#the third one is probably pretty hard to guess bc I literally never talk about either of the characters (even though they'd deserve it😔)

[lieutenantselnia]

Besides numerous other drawing ideas I now already have 2 (maybe even 3?) self ships that I want to redraw this meme with😂

Please I need more time and motivation for art again😭

[butterfly-ribbon]

been thinking of ppl saying that mizuena should've been in a yuri or josei manga that isn't popular which is a sentiment i understand bc yes a hypothetical mizuki akiyama that exists in a yuri or josei manga would probably have her transness made explicit i guess (absolutely not guaranteed tho imo considering the amount of transfem manga i've read that quickly veer into third sexing u_u) but even if i accept this premise at face value i'm not fully onboard with it bc i feel like her character exists best in something like prsk bc she exists as a response to trans girls being into things like love live, revue starlight, bandori, etc. it's in her metanarrative…

not saying gacha game writing is always good … a lot of ppl often say it's frustrating how much it expects you to fill in the gaps (bc that's part of audience engagement) and ena5 was arguably gachapilled abt it but i think it makes sense. gacha thrives on implied queerness bc even when the writers are passionate about what they're writing abt they can't risk alienating executives and wider audiences bc writing queerness in something 'mainstream' is often complicated? so it's not always the writers' choice? i think mizuki is pretty Explicitly transfem though. the only "issue" with her writing to me is that they don't let her say this, which i also only consider a problem /at all/ bc when she's outed it's pretty explicit? gacha often has very character driven writing … the queerness is often also an Audience Draw. i wish they would at minimum call mizuki a girl. textually. i want ena to call her a cute girl … though considering how many ppl go "ano ko", she's getting called a cute girl all the time lol.

with that being said, i think the picnic event is one of my main examples of things that make me go,,, mizuki's character works best in the context of something like prsk as a response to things like bandori bc it's about a tgirl vs cgirl idols. that mixed events inherently highlight mizuki's circumstances as "othered" by society around her and the inherent complications of her own life vs others. ppl compare mafuyu and toya sometimes also but it's so bare bones by comparison bc mafuyu is literally in a dissociative cPTSD fugue at all times. it's about so much more than being forced into a life goal she doesn't want. everything about how her mother has raised her has warped her as a person. made her unable to see healthy or more objective realities. mizuki and mafuyu both have wanted desperately to die and disappear. mizuki even now … struggles so much with that and being around "normal" ppl is hard for her bc of it bc no matter how she tries, she can't be a normal girl. an average girl. so she has to be abnormal or exceptional. no in between. how she exists in contrast to bandori is so genuine in that engagement with gender and i specify bandori bc it's colopales other game.

going back to the picnic event i love the moment when they're eating the food airi prepared and talking about how airi and shizuku are "idols who are capable of bringing others hope", but then mizuki quickly goes from admiration to somberness, wishing she could be the same as them ... and even when the others bring up the music she makes with her circle it doesn't do much to cheer her up? it reads so much to me as a trans girl struggling with an inherent sense of inferiority amidst cis girls who have never had their own girlhood questioned in the way she has and can thus take so much for granted! ena might be really ruthless and mean in a way that is atypical of femininity and airi may have struggled with not being traditionally feminine and was bullied for failing to act out "proper" girlhood, but she still has a very different experience from mizuki and neither can compare to the constant transmisogyny and degendering that mizuki constantly has to go through every day and having her identity denied so vehemently on a systemic level.

it's so pointed to me bc mizuki is an idol fan and has that genre awareness ... the way trans girls often connect with media like mahou shouio and idols but despite their love for it, still feel an inherent sense of alienation due to being an Other ... bc there's a separation between "liking these girls and these things" abstractly versus actually meeting them, and i think it's interesting that there's literally no way in the context of this game that any of these girls could be idols and trans, specifically bc mizuki is a trans girl who can't be one and this game predicates a major portion of its story around mizuki As A Trans Girl! if mizuki tried to be an idol, she'd be outed and harassed! that's a fear she already has to live with when she's making music with niigo even though it's safer due to its anonymity. transness and idols don't have to be disconnected of course, but her being a trans girl who's a fan of this stuff who's disallowed the opportunity to directly take part in them is So fucking important. her engagement with all of this.

this is an event about ena's relationships with other women but also how mizuki exists in the borderlines of girlhood ... how no one else is so prepared as she is for things going wrong and how much she has had to take on undue responsibility in the world at large just to "exist"... she's protected at home but everywhere otherwise, she always has to take responsibility for how others see her, how others project onto her, how others expect her to act, and the event ends with mizuki still declining ena's offer to join the group call with airi and shizuku bc it didn't resolve anything ... bc simply repressing her own insecurities and fears in the moment to rescue ena and airi bc it's more important to act didn't help in the grand scheme of things when this is something mizuki is always expected to do! ena did it out of kindness, but it's terrifying to be invited to a group trip with her childhood friend who is actually a cool and beautiful idol, and then for another beautiful idol to be there. and both of them are so pleasant and sweet and nice. how is mizuki supposed to interact around ppl like that, after all?

the mizuena in the picnic event is so fucking vital bc of ena trying to give mizuki comfort but making her more and more discomforted, which is good buildup to my footsteps, your destination. it's about how mizuki still exists on the fringes of girlhood even when someone is actively making effort to make her feel "included" and the invisible yet uncrossable barrier that exists between her as a trans girl who loves things like idols and idols themselves (who are predominantly cis girls). airi and shizuku are very sweet! but it's… kind of agonizing, bc airi was already ena's "friend" and mizuki feels like she has no place in the lives of others and wouldn't deserve to be ena's friend if ena found out about her transness, which is why she clings to the plausible deniability around her gender status. airi is someone who can bond with ena and be close to her much more easily bc of their shared experience with misogyny, but this is something mizuki has to struggle for much more even though the misogyny she struggles with is even more Amplified due to how the [trans]misogyny she experiences is often denied and erased even among other girls...

[a-tale-of-legends]

( This whole ramble is in the perspective of a casual player/ fan game enthusiast. This isn't exactly talking about competitive pokemon, just how I've used the megas in the fangames/ROM hacks I've played.....this was supposed to just be about Mawile and Heracross but I derailed lmso).

In Which R rambles about mega evolution:

This might be out of nowhere but Heracross and Mawile are my all time favorite megas ever.

Tbf, they are the megas I've most used,but still. I love them so much. Lopunny is probably third bc I love Lopunny lol. Though while it hits hard, I have struggled with it being pretty frail. Maybe I'm not using it correctly ( I think it's more of an end game sweeper than a start off and destroy everything type of pokemon, though I think it's still that too so. Skill issue on my party LMAO)

I haven't used mega Salamence much, but I have been a victim to it. That thing is BRUTAL, and even with the short time I've used it, it's honestly really fun to use.

I don't think mega Garchomp needs to exist tbh. It's a fun power boost when needed, but overall base Garchomp is just better for me. Lucario is also something I felt.....okay, I guess. It's very cool and can really kick ass but I don't feel strongly about it.

Mega Gardevoir and Gallade are kinda similar to Lopunny but in a slightly lesser scale. Gardevoir in particularly I feel was really hyped up to me ( pixilate hyper voice), but when I used it I ended up feeling underwhelmed. Not saying that this a bad mega, far from it. There's a chance that I either am not using Gardevoir properly or I simply don't vibe with it. Gallade, ironically, I feel like I had a better time with. I don't know why Gallade in particular but honestly I had fun using it.

God there's a lot of megas: okay the Hoenn starters and then I'm gonna ramble about Mawile and Heracross

Sceptile: Love the thing, god I don't think the mega really helps it much. The dragon typing is cool, getting rid of some weaknesses but also adding more - I think it's still a very fun pokemon to use, but also. Oof. Sceptile kinda got the short end of the stick.

Blaziken: I keep hearing how good this mega is and guess what? It is! But also not my favorite. From my experiences, Speed Boost only really works if you have a good set up pokemon on the opponents end. I like to use bulk up as a set move along side speed boost which. Honestly it probably why I probably don't think as highly as mega Blaziken despite this thing literally doing full team sweeps for me. I think just the set up takes longer than I would like. I also think Blaziken is just not my cup of tea in general. Very good pokemon, but surprisingly slow despite how it looks, so I've always felt it should be faster than it is. Though I guess that's why it has Speed Boost. All in all, a very good mega, I've definitely had fun with it!

Swampert: I WISH I USED MEGA SWAMPERT MORE MAN. I LOVE THAT THING. My only real core memory of using mega Swampert was I think when I was playing alpha Sapphire for the first time? And even outside of that I've used it occasionally but never really used it as often as I'd like. If I did it would be top 3 megas for me. At least of the one's I've had experience in.

Okay NOW we go back to Heracross and Mawile. Heracross is in general such a fun pokemon to use imo. It kinda checks the boxes of my favorite type of pokemon to use: moderately, can take a hit or two, and hit back very hard. And while it's mega is slower, it doesn't negate from the fact that this thing is a fucking beast. Honestly with or without a mega, why do you think Kenji doesn't mega evolve his Heracross. He doesn't need to, just slap a choice band/ choice scarf on the thing and watch it destroy. Same can be said with mega Heracross but like. 5x that. Also I've realized the error of my ways on dismissing skill link. Crucial error I will never do it again, mega Heracross has that for a reason and it's to destroy.

Mega Mawile is pretty much what all mega evolution should be. Take a honestly bad or mediocre pokemon and give them an extra boost. I think Mawile does that perfectly and GOD, is mega Mawile just a beast. It's not fast, again, but it has sucker punch and huge power so. I don't think I need to worry much there. Play rough and iron head, swords dance if you want to be evil, and man. I just love using this thing. It's so fun. Same can be said with Heracross. These are just pokemon I love to use she would have to be against.

One last note: I have yet to use mega Pinsir, but I hope it's fun if I do.

[stargaze-issei]

— 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐬 + 𝐢𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐳𝐮𝐦𝐢 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚.

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; how their teams react to the scratch marks on their backs (obviously provoked by you)

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; suggestive, few curse words, mentions of sex??

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; crack (??? im not sure

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; i love this hcs and wanted to do it for by best boys and my best teams. also no one ever mentions kawanishi and that's so sad bc i love him 😞

— 𝚒𝚠𝚊𝚒𝚣𝚞𝚖𝚒 𝚑𝚊𝚓𝚒𝚖𝚎.

-> i swear it's not that he's rough.

-> i mean he is but sometimes he just want to have some good old vanilla sex and cuddle yk.

-> and last night was one of those times.

-> but my man is just– HE'S ROUGH EVEN IF HE DOESN'T TRY.

-> so he usually have scratches marks after you do it, although he is pretty careful about it.

-> he doesn't want the team to tease you and that's your intimate sex life like he's trying to protect you ok.

-> also he knows matsukawa and makki WON'T let it go and oikawa is not better.

-> but this time he just forgot.

-> he has a lot in mind and when he arrives to the lockers and starts changing the last thing he thinks about is last night.

-> he is a little thrown off by how silent everything is.

-> kindaichi, who usually speaks a lot to kunimi while changing, is dead quiet.

-> since iwaizumi's face is facing the wall, he can't see how everyone there is watching beholding his back.

-> sure, mattsun, makki and oikawa knew you had sex.

-> and the rest kinda knew too?? but ignored it??

-> but that was some EXPLICIT CONTENT.

-> "ohmygod y/n that poor thing" makki is the first one to talk.

-> iwa just stands there like ???????wdym

-> "is that– is that blood?" that one is watari.

-> "IS IT OKAY FOR US TO TALK ABOUT Y/N-SENPAI THIS WAY????" and this one is kindaichi, who is in all shades of red.

-> and then it hits iwa. just as oikawa walks in.

-> "IWA-CHAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR B– oh"

-> iwaizumi can't even react he just puts on his shirt and (・_・;)

-> he doesn't even leave the locker he's just standing there, all red.

-> yahaba would be so jealous, but act cool, like he had done it a thousand times already pack it up virgin

-> kyoutani kinda doesn't care?? but he stares and secretly thinks he HAS to have more scratches whenever he does the deed.

-> watari is still trying to get over the initial shock.

-> and kunimi left the locker room like five minutes ago bc he doesn't care fr.

-> AND TOORU???? HE JUST STARTS TEASING.

-> one of the few times he teams with makki and mattsun.

-> "my iwa-chan, such a big boy" "should we check on y/n?" "i really thought you were vanilla"

-> hajime just takes the jokes like a champ, he knows they won't stop so he just gotta smile and nod.

-> but when you arrive to the gym, looking for him to walk home together, and oikawa teases you???

-> somehow iwa manages to throw like three volleyballs at him at the same time because NO ONE'S FUCKING WITH YOU.

-> you get it?? bc he did that last night but he didn't let oikawa mock u–

-> that was the day he became daddy iwa for the third years 😛

— 𝚞𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚓𝚒𝚖𝚊 𝚠𝚊𝚔𝚊𝚝𝚘𝚜𝚑𝚒.

-> he is massive, ok?? massive.

-> homeboy doesn't even know how massive he is.

-> not until probably tendou pointed it out, and ushi would just be like:

-> "huh 😕"

-> so yeah, scratch marks are pretty common.

-> the thing is, he doesn't have a high libido, so you don't do it that often.

-> hence to why, he never had to worry about it.

-> he was a little shocked the first time you did it and he looked at his back after and ????you used it as a fucking canvas.

-> his only concern is wether you are okay tbh.

-> ANYWAYS.

-> he's always the first one to arrive to the locker room, until goshiki appeared and started to arrive earlier to show he's more committed than ushijima.

-> tendou and wakatoshi are like go off girl.

-> the rest arrive a few seconds later, and ushijima proceeds to take off his shirt.

-> lemme tell you, goshiki STARES at his body.

-> scratches or not, he (●__●) at his abs, his shoulders, his back, his arms, EVERYTHING.

-> who wouldn't tho.

-> so he's the first one to notice.

-> HIS FACE TURNS RED AND BEYOND AND HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO?????

-> does he has to have sex if he's the ace??? does he needs scratches???? looks like it hurt, but if ushijima-senpai can do it, then he can to 😤

-> "uh..." says reon, elbowing kawanishi at his side who elbows semi who elbows yamagata and they are not shocked but waiting for the kouhais' reactions.

-> AND FINALLY TENDOU ARRIVES.

-> "oh my sweet lord i knew this would happen"

-> ushijima genuinely doesn't understand what everybody's talking about, but he never does so he just stands there and listen trying to comprehend.

-> shirabu is a mix between disgust and amazement because his captain's back is sO marked, it's even a little swollen.

-> was he..... was he that big?

-> that's when shirabu starts thinking about what could you have done, like, in details.

-> his face suddenly becomes RED OH FUCK THAT'S Y/N-SENPAI HE'S THINKING ABOUT

-> semi has to do his best effort to hide his laugh but every now and then he lets out a giggle which leads to kawanishi laughing too.

-> AND THEN GOSHIKI GOES:

-> "are you okay ushijima-senpai?"

-> someone protect this child please.

-> wakatoshi is kinda thrown off by the question but he is feeling alright.

-> semi can't hold back and just burst in laugh.

-> shirabu is so distressed and yells "DON'T LAUGH HE'LL REALIZE"

-> ushi: 🤨

-> "did you have a fun night, wakatoshi?" asks tendou, a smirk on his face, shouting glances at his teammates.

-> "i did, i took y/n on a date, we had dinner and then..." he can't say what you did next.

-> "then...?" follows semi, gaining a hit from reon.

-> "i don't think y/n would want me to talk about this"

-> "we know, wakatoshi" that's tendou. and he slaps ushijima's back, a little too hard.

-> it's when he feels a subtle burning feeling he remembers.

-> "oh, yes, i have scratches on my back"

-> everyone's like who would've guessed 🧐

-> AND THEN TOSHI JUST LEAVES???

-> goshiki thought he was going to explain??? maybe give some advice???

-> anyways, shirabu STARES at you the next time he sees you and goshiki can't look at you without turning red.

-> kawanishi and semi TEASE and reon literally asks you if you're okay.

-> tendou is so surprised because he knew wakatoshi had to be rough but expectations WAY surpassed.

[watchmegetobsessed]

VALERIE - Part V. (Harry Styles)

happy sunday loves!! part 5 is here, buckle up bc we are getting down to business here!! thank you so much for the nice feedbacks, it’s always so moving and inspiring to read your thoughts, so please keep them coming! even if it’s just some gibberish rambling, those are the best haha! now let’s jump right into part 5, we are heading into the christmas mood and im so excited for yall to read this part!! enjoy!

word count: 6.1k

SERIES MASTERPOST

masterlist

By the time November nears its end you officially become a couple with Marcus. It happens gradually, two more dates follow your first one, and then on the third one you agree to test the waters of the possibilities between the two of you exclusively. 

Marcus is a great guy. He is funny, caring and smart, always listens to you and cares for even the smallest details about you when you’re talking. He is great company and never fails to make you feel appreciated and wanted. Exactly what you’ve been looking for in a guy, Rosa really hit the nail on the head this time. 

You easily fall into a habit with him. Fridays are for date nights, sometimes you go for little trips outside the city on Sundays and he never misses a chance to send you flowers throughout the week. He is just the type of guy that’s always there to cheer you up with something whenever the days start to weigh down on your shoulders. 

You even have dinner together with Rosa and Steven one Saturday evening, Rosa keeps giving you those ‘I told you so’ eyes whenever Marcus kisses you shortly or places his hand to your waist. You mostly just roll your eyes at her, not wanting to make a big deal out of the two of you, but Rosa knows how long you’ve been trying to find someone. 

What’s a surprising turn is that you start seeing Harry more. Intentionally. You have no idea how it happens, but it does and you’re not mad about it. Some days you grab lunch together whenever he is in the neighborhood, some days you go shopping with him when his sister doesn’t have the time. Harry is a problematic shopper, he takes a long time to decide on clothes so usually you are the one that forces him to choose and finish before all shops close. 

When he has had a rough week and you happened to call him for whatever reason, the two of you agree to meet up for drinks at his place, then end up playing UNO for hours, slowly emptying out two bottles of wine.

It’s starting to get harder to imagine what it was like when things weren’t like this with him. When you were getting anxiety from just the thought of seeing him or having to talk to him. It’s like the both of you are showing a different version of yourselves to each other and you have to admit you enjoy being friends with him. 

He keeps his habit of teasing you and making jokes about you though, but you don’t mind it. He is not doing it in a mean way with the attempt to piss you off, but to make you laugh and start a playful war where you both throw insults at each other until one of you runs out of it and just starts laughing. You feel a kind of dynamic building between you and him that has a way better effect on you than the continuous killing you were doing before.

You can tell Rosa is thankful for the change as well. Whenever she sees you interact with Harry without making a grimace or have that face that screams how badly you want to hit him, she is relieved that she has one less thing to worry about and Valerie will have two amazing godparents who even like each other.

Christmas is always a big parade in your family. Your mom and your aunts always want to celebrate together so in the past few years it has become a tradition to rent a place out that has enough space for the whole extended family and spend three days there from the 23rd to the 25th. This year your dad found a huge cabin in the woods with ten bedrooms and seven bathrooms, just the perfect size for you all. It’s gonna be your parents, Rosa and Steven with Valerie, Aunt Monica, Aunt Teresa with Uncle Andrew, your cousin Etta, her husband Joe and their two kids, your other cousin Lily with her husband Jeremy and their daughter, and lastly you and Harry.  Though your mom urged you to invite Marcus along as well, he could join you for longer than a dinner, since he was already set to fly home to his family.

“You sure he can’t stay for at least the first night?” you mom asks on the phone one evening. You’re stirring the sauce in the pan. holding the phone to your ear with your shoulder so you have both of your hands free.

“Yes, I’m sure. It’s fine, he can come for dinner and then leave later.”

“I get it, but it would have been fun if he stayed,” she sighs, clearly disappointed that she couldn’t change what’s already set. If you’re being honest you don’t mind that Marcus is not staying for the night. You haven’t been dating for that long, you feel like it would be a little uncomfortable to have him there the whole time. A dinner is perfectly fine as a starter, since he hasn’t met anyone else from your family other than Rosa and Steven.

“Anyway,” she sighs moving on, “Have you figured it out how you’re gonna get there?”

“I don’t know, I guess I’ll tag along with someone.”

“Well, I think you should ask Harry. Everyone else is pretty packed already. Rosa and Steven won’t have any extra space with Valerie this year.”

You nod, even though she can’t see you. These past years Rosa always offered you a ride for the holidays, but even when they brought her over for just one night their car was jam-packed. No way you’re gonna fit in there so you are left with Harry since Marcus can only come in the afternoon.

“Sure, I’ll ask him.”

You shoot him a text that day and he replies right away that you’re welcomed in his car, though he won’t be able to take you back since he is leaving early in the morning on the 25th since he is flying back to the UK to his family. It’s fine, you think, you’ll just probably just tag along with aunt Monica back to the city, she always gets her a car for these occasions. Though it’s not your ideal option, she is not the best partner for rides, because she is a fan of smoking in the car, but you don’t have much of a choice. 

“I’ll call you when I leave, okay?” Marcus tells you on the morning of the 23rd. It’s early, barely seven, but he is up because he needs to work a little today and you are finishing up packing since Harry will be here in an hour to pick you up.

“Sure. Drive safe,” you huff sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at your suitcase that’s still not closed, clothes are sticking out on the side and you’re sure you’ll have to sit on it to pull the zipper.

“See you later,” Marcus says before you end the call. 

It’s rather comical how you try to close the suitcase but you only care about the fact that you eventually succeed. Only minutes before eight you are packed and ready so when you get Harry’s text that he is outside you can leave right away.

Seeing you with your big suitcase he hops out of the car and rushes to help you.

“How long are you planning to stay, Y/N?” he chuckles lifting the bag up and you just shrug your shoulders with a smirk. You’ve alway been a heavy packer, no need to try to cover it up.

Harry throws your stuff into the back of the car as you take the passenger seat. His phone is hooked to the car, a playlist of his own playing gently through the speakers and you’re surprised to catch on the Christmas feeling in the songs.

“Are you in the spirit?” you ask when he gets into the car.

“Like to set the mood ahead,” he chuckles starting the car and off you go. 

Ridiculous to think about it, but it’s actually the first time you sit in the same car with Harry or see him drive even. The way you two used to be was not quite ideal to have you locked up in such a small place as a car. But now you have nothing against spending the almost hour long drive with him. 

“Can you pull out the navigation when I leave the highway? I’m not sure where exactly I need to head,” he asks you, eyes fixed on the road ahead of him and nodding you open the app on your phone so his can keep on playing the music without the voice of the navigation interrupting it. 

“Excited to spend your first Christmas with us?” you ask. Though Harry was there at several family events, it’s his first Christmas since becoming Valerie’s godfather. 

“I am,” he chuckles, nodding, hands gripping the wheel gently. He is a natural driver, easily working the car, the kind you feel completely safe next to. As Baby It’s Cold Outside comes on a smile stretches across your lips as you start gently bop your head to the song. “I’ve heard crazy stuff about Christmases at your family,” he adds glancing in your way for a second.

“Like what?”

“I remember when Steven told me about his first Christmas with your family. You remember that?”

Searching in your memories you tried to remember when was the first time Rosa brought Steven along. They dated for two years before they got married so it’s been about five years since then, but as you think hard the memory of that specific year pops into your head making you laugh as you nod.

“Oh, yes. The year Aunt Monica almost burned the Airbnb down,” you sigh grinning at the memory. She brought some special kind of cigars that year that were told to be curiosities from somewhere fancy, but they ended up the literal worst quality, flaming bits were falling out them all the time when she would smoke one, almost making the rug catch on fire wherever she went. Best thing is that she was already drunk on the liquor so she didn’t even notice, there was always a person on Aunt Monica duty, following her around, making sure nothing burnt down. 

“Steven said he had a moment when he thought about bailing,” Harry tells you and you gasp, because that’s new information.

“Really?”

“Yeah, but like only for a split second after your dad walked in on him naked in the bathroom. That was kind of the last straw. Luckily Rosa could convince him to stay. Guess it all worked out at the end.” Harry smiles as he stares ahead of him.

You can’t imagine a version where Rosa and Steven don’t end up together. They met through a mutual friend not long after Rosa had a nasty breakup with her scumbag ex. Steven was there to put her back together and be her partner as she found herself again. The change and positive impact he had on her could be seen every day and you were so thankful to him for helping your sister find her way out of such a dark place in her life. It didn’t take them too long to start dating and he proposed a little more than a year later. You still remember how Rosa was screaming in the phone when she called you that evening telling you that Steven proposed. They are quite literally a match made in heaven. It’s been your goal in life to find this person in your life though you haven’t had much luck with men so far. Ironically, if you were in a room with every man you were ever involved with in any kind of way, Harry would be the only one you’d want to talk with. If you had to make this exact same choice just months ago you would have chosen to run out screaming. 

“Maybe this year it’s your turn to get horrified from us,” you laugh, sinking down a little in your seat as you adjust the seat belt. You’re still quite far away from the cabin, you might as well make yourself comfortable. 

“I think there’s not much that I haven’t witnessed yet. I was walked in on at the bathroom once too, but it was your cousin, Etta.”

“When did that happen?” you ask with a heartfelt laugh.

“I think it was last summer at one of your nieces’ birthday party. Luckily everything was already tucked away when she basically barged in.”

“She didn’t miss much,” you tease him with a smirk and your witty comment catches him by surprise.

“Are you saying my dick is not imposing enough to be worthy of peeking?” he asks with raised eyebrows and you’re happy he is driving. His intimidating look would already burn right into your skin by now, but he is forced to watch the road instead. 

“I mean, if you want to put it that way…” you continue, but a laugh escapes your lips.

“Take that back, Y/N,” he orders, sneaking a hard look at you before turning back ahead, but you can see the small smile hiding on his lips. 

“Or what?”

“Or you might find yourself in a war you don’t want to be involved in,” he warns you, but his words don’t quite have the effect on you he wanted. Because in a heartbeat you find yourself feeling… excited? Thrilled? Even curious about his means behind his words. 

“Wouldn’t want to lie, so…” Pretending like you’re sorry you shrug your shoulders as Harry gives you a look that makes your stomach churn. Now either you are gonna have some fun teasing each other or… you just threw yourself into the arms of the Devil himself. Either way, you’re certain Harry won’t leave it in that.

Turning your head to your window you can’t keep your smile contained as you think of the fact that how big of a lie it was. Harry is surely not a guy who should ever worry about any aspect of his manhood. You’re talking from experience. 

***

The cabin is absolutely gorgeous, just the perfect place for a cozy family holiday. Hidden from the busy roads with a secure gate and tall trees on both sides, the back of it is facing a majestic view of the valley and the evergreen covered hill in the distance. With an interior straight from the pages of a magazine, you need just a few moments to adjust to your surroundings upon arriving.

“I saved a nice room for you, Harry!” your mother gushes the moment she sees the two of you walk through the front door. You huff in annoyance.

“And what about me?” 

Harry chuckles giving you a smug grin. “Guess you’re just second after me.”

“It’s his first Christmas with us, he deserves the better room,” your mom shushes at you, making your eyes roll instantly. It’s still hard to believe Harry has this kind of charm over most people.

After greeting everyone who is already there, your dad, Aunt Teresa and Etta with her family, your mom walks the two of you down one of the hallways that leads to several bedrooms. She stops at the last door with an excited grin on her face as she opens it revealing the bedroom behind it. 

You instantly understand why she thought this is the best one. The view is absolutely breathtaking, the gentle noon light is flowing into the room through the floor to ceiling windows, the king sized bed facing them so when you wake up in the morning the first thing you see is the endless sea of evergreens on the side of the hill. Not to mention the room has its own bathroom, not many of the other rooms are blessed with that. There’s a spacious shower that has enough space for at least three people in there and it’s one of those fancy ones that can make you feel like you’re having a shower in the middle of a jungle, mood lights and bluetooth speakers attached to it.

“No fucking way Harry is getting this room!” you gasp as you look around, taking in the luxure your mother is willing to hand over to him.

“Jealous, much?” he smirks, throwing his sports bag to the bed already ruining the neatly made sheets. He does not deserve this.

“Mom!” you huff turning to her, but she has made her mind up already.

“Your room is nice too, don’t worry Honey. Let Harry have this one!”

“I really can’t believe you are taking his side,” you grumble under your breath, folding your arms on your chest as you take one last look at the stunning view. 

“Come on, Y/N. He is a guest!”

“He is not! You said it yourself he is family now!” you retort and Harry just laughs behind you, so you shoot him a murderous look over your shoulder, that just fuels his entertainment.

“Don’t be silly. Your room is the second one on the right from here,” she smiles at you. “We are gonna take a walk around once everyone arrives, so get settled by then!” she informs you before walking out. 

“Hey,” Harry’s soft voice makes you turn around. “You can have the room if you want.”

Your eyebrows rise at the kind gesture, it’s very not like him, even now in your friendly state, so it’s quite odd that he is willing to switch rooms with you.

“No need,” you shake your head grabbing the handle of your suitcase that you abandoned at the door.

“You sure? It doesn’t matter where I’m sleeping, really.”

“I’m not gonna deal with my mother’s scolding if she finds out I took your room, so you can totally stay.” 

Harry chuckles as you head out, but stop at the door to have one last word with him. “Though I might occupy your bathroom, that shower looks nice.”

“All yours,” he grins before you walk out.

***

By 11 am everyone arrives and the once quiet cabin is now buzzing from life, children running around, Valerie’s babbling shoots through the spacious living area where Rosa set her crib up, your mother is already making preparations for dinner while most of the men are circled around the pool table having a beer since no one has to drive for the rest of the day. 

“When is Marcus arriving?” Rosa asks, eyes on Valerie who is absolutely destroying something that once were an elephant maybe, but she’s been ruthless with the poor animal, chewing and throwing it around all the time, so it’s not just a grey, fuzzy mess.

“Sometime before dinner. He has some work to finish,” you tell her pulling your legs under yourself on the comfy couch.

“And explain again, why isn’t he staying for the night?” she turns to you with a puzzled look.

“Because he is going home to his family early in the morning tomorrow.”

“Okay, but he could have just left from here, didn’t he?”

“It’s… complicated. It’s better if he just goes back home tonight and then leaves from there in the morning.”

What you leave out of the whole explanation is that you didn’t really invite him to stay the night as well. Sounds horrible and ridiculous but you didn’t think you’d have felt comfortable with him staying. You’ve been dating for only barely more than a month and though things are going well, you felt like starting with just a dinner would be a better idea. Marcus didn’t question why you didn’t offer him to stay, it seemed like he was fine with just coming and then going after dinner. 

Does this make you a bad girlfriend? Maybe, but you value your comfort and feelings more than to ruin your favorite holiday with your family. 

Just as you mom said, once everyone is settled in their rooms for the upcoming three days, the whole gang dresses up to have a walk around taking the welcoming little path that runs around the cabin and is smooth enough for Valerie’s carriage as well. Your nieces and nephew are quick to surround Harry and nag him to join them at the front, exploring the woods surrounding the path. It seems like he doesn’t mind it and gladly takes part in the adventure, also secretly looking after them so their parents can have a break and enjoy the stroll in hopes the walk tires the kids out enough that they’ll willingly go to bed in the evening instead of whining to stay up late. 

You’re walking with Etta next to you as she tells you about Hannah’s latest dance competition when you spot that Harry and Oliver, your nephew, Etta’s other kid are suspiciously whispering around pointing in your direction. At last Olly nods and runs up to you showing a quite thick piece of wood into your hand. You look down at him confused.

“Thank you?” you tell him a little unsure what it’s all about.

“I found it in a bush, I want to take it home. Harry said you’ll keep it for me because you have a good hand for thick and hard sticks.”

You almost choke on your own breath, as Olly just carelessly runs back ahead to join his sister. You immediately look over to Etta in fear that she heard what Harry told Oliver, but luckily she was talking with Joe turning back, not really paying attention to the conversation you just had with her son. If she did, Harry probably wouldn’t live by now.

Speaking of the devil, you look in his way and that annoying, smug grin is right there as he nods in your way saluting before he shows his hands into his pockets and turns back around to catch up with the kids. 

That disgusting piece of shit really went into the depth of teaching something secretly dirty to your nephew as a way of payback for your comment in the car earlier. He surely wasn't just joking when he said you’d pay for what you said. And you have a feeling he is just getting started. 

***

Aunt Monica is like a legend in your family. She is the oldest between your mom and her sisters, already in her sixties, but in the heart she still feels like she has just turned twenty. She never married, but had several men in her life, love affairs, short flings, but none of them lasted for more than a year. 

“Why would I settle when there’s so many fish in the sea?” she once told you, her iconic Chanel sunglasses sat on her nose as she sipped on her martini. 

She has worked many jobs throughout her life, she was once a dancer, she waited tables and even worked as a TV host at one point in the ‘80s. She was the true free spirit of the family, her sisters often questioned her sanity, but you think there’s nothing wrong with how she lived her life, enjoying it to the last bit. In the early ‘90s she was seeing a millionaire, probably the only man she would have given her lifestyle up for. Unfortunately, they never married, the man passed away due to his heart problems, however, since he had little to zero family he left basically everything to Aunt Monica. Money, house, cars, business, everything. Being the smart woman that she is, she handed over the business into professional hands but she is still the owner, so the money is still flowing even though she could have lived happily on the money she inherited without ever having to work a day. 

She seems a little odd in your family, but she has always been a loving aunt to you, a caring sister and she never fails to take care of her loved ones. She is the one to pay for all these Christmas getaways, otherwise you wouldn’t be able to stay in places this nice.

“What’s all the money for if I don’t spend it on my family?” she always says when someone questions if she is fine with paying for everything. Your mom and Teresa have tried to convince her to let them at least pay for part of it but she wouldn’t even listen to them. 

She likes to have her own, sometimes odd ways in life. She definitely has a drinking problem, but not in a dangerous way. You have never seen her completely wasted, she just likes to keep things buzzing and always have a drink on her whenever she needs the extra fun. Because of her past she has the greatest stories about meeting famous people back in the days or how soldiers used to try to win her over when she was just a teenager.

“Oh, those things happened,” your mom told you when one day you questioned if you could believe all the crazy stories Aunt Monica tells you. “She was like… the star of the show. Used to hate living in her shadow, but I can’t blame her for enjoying life and doing the things I was too afraid to do myself.”

Now you’re sitting in the sunroom that faces the amazing view behind the cabin, the Christmas tree is standing tall in the corner, beautifully decorated in white and beige. Valerie is snuggled up to your chest as you gently rub her back and you listen to Aunt Monica tell you about how a literal captain once proposed to her after just three days of knowing each other.

“He was a gentleman, but a beast in the bed, Y/N. I’m telling you, men in uniform are just a different level of satisfaction.”

She sighs deep, taking a sip from her margarita that’s definitely not her first drink, and you just laugh nodding.

“He was begging for me to go to Italy with him.”

“And why didn’t you?”

“Who said I didn’t?” she asks with a pretentious hurt look turning to you and you just laugh. You should have known the story would go this way. “I accepted the offer, only turned down his proposal when we sailed off and then we parted as soon as I stepped onto the land of Italy. Broke his heart into pieces, but I was too busy enjoying the Italian summer.”

Harry comes in and hands you a bottle filled with juice that probably Rosa sent for Valerie.

“Thank you,” you smile at him shortly as you adjust the little girl in your arms and hand her the bottle.

“Young boy, have you ever proposed to someone?” Aunt Monica asks Harry who stops in his way as he was already about to head out, but now he walks back to the sofa where she is sitting.

“No, not yet,” he shakes his head.

“And how do you think you would if the time came?”

You watch Harry think to himself at the odd and quite random question. It’s not really something you would have ever asked him, but now that there’s the chance to hear his answer you are listening curiously. 

“Depends on the woman I’m proposing to,” he replies after a few seconds.

“How would you propose to Y/N?”

Your eyes widen as you turn to your aunt with shock all over your face. You definitely didn’t want yourself dragged into this.

“Aunt Monica, that’s--”

“Shush! I’m just asking theoretically. Wanna hear his answer.”

Harry’s eyes wander over to your sitting figure on the sofa as he leans onto the back of the one in front of him. You can feel the heat crawling up on your neck to your cheeks under his burning look and you just know he enjoys how nervous you got from this simple question that wasn’t even asked from you. 

Licking his lips he moves his eyes from you over to Aunt Monica who is still waiting for his answer.

“Something romantic, but not too grandiose, I know she doesn’t like being in the center of the attention that much. Maybe…” Tapping on his chin you listen to his words and without even realizing you hold your breath. “Maybe on a hike with a nice view. She would be admiring the view when I get down on one knee and as she turns around I pop the lid on the box.”

What bugs you is that it’s an awfully accurate description of how you’d imagined your proposal. He was right about many aspects, like how you don’t like being in the center of attention. No idea how he nailed so easily, but he did. 

Glancing down you pretend to be busy with Valerie who is still peacefully drinking her juice, eyes wandering around the room relentlessly.

“So you really look to satisfy her deepest fantasies, careful about even the smallest details. Women appreciate it,” Aunt Monica nods, completely oblivious to how uncomfortable she just made you feel.

“Thank you, I do like to satisfy women,” Harry cheekily answers with a smirk, eyes locking with yours for a moment as Aunt Monica lets out a laugh at the dirty comment. Before you could bite your tongue a retort slips out of your mouth.

“What a shame you don’t always succeed.”

Harry’s eyes turn from playful to dark pretty quickly and you enjoy the victory over him. Your comment in the car earlier already wounded his manhood, now it’s another stab right into his… crotch. It’s the least he deserves after what he taught poor Olly.

“That I don’t believe. He seems like an absolute pleaser.” Aunt Monica winks in Harry’s way who just smiles at her shyly, but you can tell your comment is still bugging him. 

“I think Y/N knows that too herself, am I right?” He tilts his head to the side and you stand your ground with holding his gaze and not looking away.

“Don’t be so sure about that,” you simply say, just when you hear your mom calling out for you. “Would you take her please?” you innocently ask walking up to Harry, holding Valerie out for him. You can tell he is looking for a witty comeback, but he has nothing just yet, so he is stuck with keeping his mouth shut as he takes baby Valerie from you. You gift him with a sweet, but definitely spikey smile before leaving him there with Aunt Monica. 

***

Dinner is already almost ready, you’re helping your mom and Aunt Teresa in the kitchen with the finishing touches, Joe and Harry packing out the wine bottles from the rack Jeremy brought them in, the two of them examining the bottles with such professionalism you almost believe they have the slightest idea about what to look for in a good wine. 

“Should we open some red or white ones for tonight’s dinner?” Joe asks your mom who is the master chef when it comes to the dinner.

“Red would suit better,” she answers. “Are they sweet?”

“Some, yeah,” Harry nods holding up a bottle and checking the label.

“Great. Monica loves that too,” Teresa chuckles as she adds some salt to the mashed potato. 

“And Y/N too,” Harry adds, not even looking up, but he successfully attracts your mom’s attention with his comment.

“She does?” Harry looks up and sees your boiling anger plastered all over your face, so of course he chooses to take it further.

“Oh, yeah. She can drink like a gallon. Wine drunk Y/N is like a whole different person.”

“I told you so many times not to get drunk, Y/N. It’s not too ladylike. When was the last time you saw her drunk?”

“There were plenty of occasions,” Harry exaggerates and you could kill him right there. “Though last time it was the tequila that got her wildin’.”

That damned smirk of his is making your hands curl into fists and for a moment you tell yourself it’s okay to punch him in front of your mother even if she’ll probably disown you for such behavior. 

“Y/N! I have told you a million times that you need to know where your limits lie!” she huffs shaking her head at you while you clench your jaw. Back at it with the lessons about getting drunk. She’ll never get over it, not even when you’ll be forty. Why does it matter to her so much? Sometimes she is the one to get you started, but then she gives you the dirtiest looks when you have one too many. She should just get used to it now. 

“She surely likes to have fun when she has had a few drinks,” Harry continues smugly. “Remember how much fun you had at Rosa and Steven’s wedding?”

“Oh, God! I remember how drunk you were that evening, I could have killed you!” your mother growls and you roll your eyes at her.

“It wasn’t that bad. There were a lot more people who got way more wasted than me,” you try to defend yourself folding your arms on your chest. 

“That doesn’t change that you were too,” she says with a hard look. Great, now she is mad at you for something that happened literally years ago. Kudos to Harry for ruining her mood.

“She wasn’t that bad,” Harry adds and you look in his way with suspicion. “She was a delight when it was time to get her to bed.”

Your mouth almost hangs open, but it seems like you’re the only one understanding what he really meant by that. Luckily, beside you and him, Rosa and Steven are the only people who knows what happened between you and Harry that night, so it’s no surprise no one else catches on the hint.

“You were the one who took her up to her room? Sorry if she was a burden,” your mother sighs and right at that moment you wish the floor would just open up and you could disappear forever. Harry’s satisfied grin is the evidence that he just won another round of this nasty war.

Just as you open your mouth to try and move the conversation to another field you see a pair of headlights pull up to the driveway. Everyone turns to the window as Marcus’ car parks down last in the line. As you step away from the counter you see the confusion in Harry’s eyes about the new guest.

“Oh, amazing! He is here!” your mom cheers, seemingly instantly forgetting about how she was dragging you just a minute ago.

“Who’s here?” you hear Harry ask, but you’re already out of there, heading to the front door to greet Marcus.

Just as you walk out into the cold evening air you see him get out with a warm smile on his lips. You wait for him at the door, arms wrapped around yourself and as he reaches you he places a soft kiss to your lips. 

“Hey, how was the drive?” you ask him.

“It was fine. I didn’t arrive too late, right?”

“No, we were just about to set the table. Come on in, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

He takes your hand in his as the two of you walk inside, all eyes immediately turning your way at the arrival of your boyfriend.

“Everyone, I want you all to meet my boyfriend, Marcus. He is staying for dinner.”

Your family members walk up to the two of you, shaking hands and introducing themselves to Marcus who smiles at everyone politely, trying his best to remember all the names and information that’s thrown at him all of a sudden. Everyone seems delighted to have him for dinner, the kids instantly make him promise he’ll play a card game with them after dinner and he happily says yes to the invitation. 

You can tell your mom is proud that finally both of her daughters are spending Christmas with a man by their side and you’re almost certain your dad took a liking to Marcus the moment he mentioned he is into fishing.

Everyone seems excited and happy for Marcus, there’s just one face that doesn’t fit in the line of joyful smiles. Harry stands quite far from the two of you and only gets closer when he shakes hands with Marcus. His cocky grin is long gone from his face as he keeps his hard look on your boyfriend who is chatting with everyone. Standing next to Marcus, your hand still holding his, your eyes lock with Harry’s and there’s an unknown, burning feeling in your gut when his hard gaze holds yours. The sudden change and cold act gets you wondering what’s really going on in his mind. He is the first one to look away and you watch him walk into the kitchen and disappear from your sight before you force a smile on your lips and turn back to Marcus.

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[cherryobx]

Head over heels//JJ Maybank x reader

requested?: yes sirrr “okay but just imagine jj seeing the reader at a kegger bc Sarah invited her and having the same thoughts as the chorus of HEAD OVER HEELS by LoveLeo”

summary: JJ sees you for the first time at a kegger and falls completely head over heels for you.

A/N: this is written in third-person point of view + this song had like a two line chorus so i tried to make it work hahah

warnings: nothing really, a few curse words i think, mentions of alcohol

WC: 1405

(not my gif, creds to the owner!!!)

JJ had never really had a crush on anybody. Sure, he had hooked up with a few people but they were always strangers to him. He just hadn’t met the right girl for him.

It was hard for him to see his friends fall in love and get into relationships. He wanted to experience that. He wanted to give all of his love and attention to someone. 

Of course, he was happy for his friends and supported their relationships but he also felt really jealous.

There were multiple girls in the Outer Banks that would do literally anything to date the infamous JJ Maybank. But he didn’t want them. It didn’t feel right.

“JJ!” John B called, knocking on the guestroom door, or more known as JJ’s room.

“What?” 

“People are already arriving. Come out.”

“Yeah. Give me a second.” 

JJ took a bandana and tied it around his hair to keep his blonde hair out of his face. It was getting too long and needed a haircut. Then he put on a hoodie that had a zipper in the front.

He left his room and walked outside the Chateau where he saw already a pretty big crowd forming.

He didn’t even bother talking to people, even though many of them tried to greet him. He poured himself a cup of beer and then scanned the crowd with his eyes, trying to spot his friends.

“Hey!” Pope greeted him.

“Hey, man!”

“Come with me. John B and Kiara are setting up a fire.”

JJ followed Pope through the crowd until they found their way to John B and Kiara.

“Hey J! You got a lighter?” Kiara asked him. JJ nodded his head and pulled out his lighter from the pocket of his pants. He always carried that thing around. You never know when you might need it.

Kiara lit the fire and gave the lighter back to JJ, who put it back in his pocket.

JJ sat down onto one of the logs that had been placed around the fire. He was watching how the flames got bigger and bigger.

“Hey, guys!” He heard a girl’s voice. He looked up and sure enough, Sarah was there, John B’s girlfriend. They hadn’t been dating for a long time but they really loved each other.

Then JJ’s eyes landed on the girl who was standing next to Sarah. And he swore his heart stopped beating for a second. He hadn’t seen the girl before but she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on.

She looked perfect. Her hair had waves in it, probably from the salty water. JJ could tell that she was a surfer. Her tan skin looked almost golden to him. She was wearing a pair of jean shorts and a red crop top. It was a simple outfit but it looked absolutely gorgeous on her.

“This is Y/N. I invited her here today. I hope it’s okay,” Sarah introduced her.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Hi! I’m Kiara, but you can call me Kie.” Kiara smiled sweetly at her, trying to make her feel welcomed.

All the pogues introduced themselves to her but when it was JJ’s turn, he couldn’t get any words out of his mouth. 

He was so nervous to talk to her. And he didn’t even know why. She was just a normal girl.

“JJ? Are you okay?” John B, who was now sitting beside JJ, asked. He was a bit confused. JJ was always the one to hit on girls and make them fall in love with him instantly.

“Uhh, yeah. Sorry. I’m JJ.”

“Nice to meet you, JJ,” she said, smiling at him. JJ felt like he was about to pass out right then and there. The way his name rolled off her lips made him feel some type of way. And the way she smiled, oh god. JJ was a goner.

She sat down next to Kiara. Sarah came and sat beside John B, kissing him non the cheek.

“Eww, save the PDA. I don’t want to see that here,” Kiara complained with a frown.

“Shut up! We never complain when you’re doing the same thing.”

“Whatever.”

While everyone was arguing about the PDA in the group, JJ’s eyes were glued to Y/N. She hadn’t noticed JJ staring at her because she was so engaged in the conversation with the pogues.

When she laughed at something someone had said (JJ didn’t hear that, he was too busy looking at her), he almost melted and he had a strange feeling that he had never felt before. Her laugh was the most adorable thing he had ever heard.

She was literally perfect in any way.

Oh no.

JJ started to slowly realize what was happening in his mind. He was starting to form a crush on her. It took him about an hour to finally understand that. But how could he know what that felt like? It was all new to him.

Is that how it feels?

“Dude, just talk to her.” John B had noticed the way JJ was looking at her. He knew the look. He had been looking at Sarah like that before they started dating.

“Me? No way.” JJ was so scared of even the thought of talking to her.

So John B took the matters into his own hands. He had to help his best friend out.

“Y/N, you surf, right?” John B. JJ mentally facepalmed. 

“Yeah, I do.”

“That’s great. JJ here is a very good surfer and he’d love to show you his board. Right JJ?” John B looked at JJ who was about to pass out from the embarrassment. He was praying that she didn’t see the small blush that was forming on his cheeks.

“Uhh, yeah sure.” JJ stood up, legs almost shaking from the nerves. Y/N stood up and followed JJ behind the Chateau, where his surfboard was strapped on to the top of John B’s van.

“There she is.” JJ pointed at the board but his eyes never left Y/N.

“Pretty cool. How long have you been surfing for?” she asked.

“Basically my whole life. How about you?”

“I stared a few years ago but I’d say I’m pretty good.”

“I bet you are,” he blurted out. 

“But I know for a fact you’re better than me,” she laughed.

JJ didn’t know what to say next. But he really wanted the conversation between you two to keep going.

“How come I’ve never seen you around here? You aren’t a kook, are you?” 

“No, I’m definitely not a kook. And I guess I just spend a lot of my time at home. I don’t really have any friends around here except Sarah,” she admitted.

“Oh, really? I thought you’d be the type of girl to have a lot of friends. But it’s cool. A small circle is always better.”

“I agree.”

Damn, she’s beautiful.

“Thank you,” she giggled.

“Shit. Did I say that out loud?” JJ wanted to disappear at that moment. He felt so embarrassed, that he covered his face with his hands.

Y/N stepped closer to JJ, putting her hands on JJ’s and pulled them away from his face. JJ looked her straight into the eyes, a confused (but still embarrassed) look on his face.

“Don’t hide. You’re not so bad yourself,” she smiled at him.

“Kiss me,” she said. JJ hadn’t expected that.

“What?”

“You heard me. Kiss me, JJ. I want this.” She wrapped her hands around JJ’s neck, pulling him even closer than he already was.

“Are you serious?”

“Completely. You think you were being slick tonight?”

JJ chuckled at that but then asked. “Are you sure?”

Asking something like this wasn’t like JJ. He usually just went for it. But this was different. He was about to kiss a girl he liked. It was crazy to think that he had formed a crush on her in a bit less than 2 hours. How was this possible? Love at first sight? He couldn’t really tell.

“Yes.”

And then he closed the gap between them. He didn’t know what to do with his hands so he just placed them on her waist.

He was on cloud nine at that moment. It was pure bliss. What was she doing to him? What was it about her that made JJ feel like this?

You’ve got me head over heels.

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[syubub]

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

[stealingpotatoes]

I am OBSESSED with your Desmond lives AU!! I want Shaun and Rebecca to be able to give Desmond all the hugs, I want Desmond to be able to choose to be an Assassin, to be able to help save the world again. Also, I am very curious about how you would resurrect Desmond, because I’ve had similar thoughts on such an AU, but I currently stick it near the end of Valhalla with the stuff that happens there. If you ever feel like expanding on it, I'd be super excited to see more!!!

first of all, AH THANK YOU!!! Yes those are ALL points that are very important to the Des Lives AU! Second of all, thank you so much for this ask in general!!! I was hoping someone would send an ask like this so I’d get an excuse to talk abt the AU more lmao XD!! I made this AU back in March last year, so there’s no Valhalla stuff in it, and it’s set right after/ during the Odyssey DLCs. 

The long story short for my Desmond Rez (rezmond, if you will) is “shroud of eden, abstergo, and some Isu bullshit”. The long story long, however, is uh- you know what? I’m going to use this opportunity to explain the vague story I worked out last year -- but dw, I WILL get to the full ressurection explanation I thought through. However... I’m gonna have to tell the story in smaller parts because I’m lazy and can’t be bothered to write the whole thing out right now. So rez comes later and not in this post. 

also uh-- before we start: I’m going to apologise for like… everything about the way I wrote this. It’s sort-of half fic, half that-way-your-friends-colloquially-tell-stories-that-you-can’t-keep-up-with. Mainly the latter. If you can make sense of this babbling, well done.

 Anyways, without further ado, welcome to:

POTES TRIES TO EXPLAIN HER DESMOND (SORTA) LIVES AU: PART ONE

On the 21st of December 2012, Desmond Miles dies. 

It’s not for nothing -- his sacrifice saves the entire world from a solar flare -- but he is dead. big ripz. The Assassins, his family, do not manage to recover his body. Abstergo gets it first. The Assassins hold a funeral as best they can. They mourn (all in their own ways), they keep fighting (for his memory), and they try to move on (they can’t). 

On the 21st of December 2012, Desmond Miles died -- so when he shows up in a city in October 2018, almost 6 years later, it’s a bit of a shock for everyone. What’s even more of a shock is the fact he’s glowing like an Isu and has some abilities he DEFINITELY didn’t have when he died.

So Desmond wakes up in the middle of some city in he doesn’t know where (yeah ok i just never really worked out where the secret lab would be), with 1. no idea of how he got there and 2. no idea why his arms are glowing like that. He doesn’t get much time to think about it because then there’re a load of Abstergo goons with guns surrounding him. Des may have no idea what’s happening, but he knows one thing: when u see an Abstergo, it’s on sight. So he’s fighting them -- which is admittedly not fun or easy when you’re in the middle of a road and only have your fists as weapons. It’s not going well and then someone definitely manages to shoot Desmond which is very bad -- but then Des feels some very weird (but not unfamiliar) feeling and when he looks up from the bullet wound, every one of the Abstergos are on the floor???? He doesn’t think to check if they’re dead, just legs it out of there lmao. 

//

Elsewhere, in an Assassin safehouse in an undisclosed location (can you tell I just didn’t think about the geography of anything), Mr Shaun Hastings is chilling on a balcony after a mission well done. Good for him. Then Rebecca Crane (queen ilu) yells “Shaun?” from inside. 

“Rebecca?” 

“Come inside. Now.”

Shaun immediately does so because he assumes it’s important or they’re under threat. “What happened? Have we been compromised?”

Rebecca doesn’t answer. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Shaun says, mostly joking and with a little smirk -- though Becs looks spooked. 

“Desmond’s alive.”

Shaun’s not smirking anymore. “What?”

“Desmond’s... he’s alive.”

“What are you talking about? Are you high?” he’s totally about to look at her eyes to see if they’re all dilated and druggy. 

“No Shaun, I mean it!” Becs harshly shoves her tablet into his hands. 

Shaun doesn’t really know what he’s expecting to see when he looks down at the screen. What he’s not really expecting to see is Desmond Miles, who’s been dead for six years, fighting a load of Abstergo people -- while lined in Isu markings (also he’s not wearing a shirt forgot got to mention). ??? But wtf??!?! Desmond’s dead. That’s...

“It’s security camera footage from [the city]... About two hours ago.” Rebecca then swipes through more footage with shaky hands and explains that Des very violently burst out of an Abstergo facility in the city with glowing eyes and light leaking out of him (almost like an Apple of Eden). Then the glowing eyes and shining lights shuts off abruptly and Des is standing in the middle of the road looking very confused at his precursor-ass arms and chest. But Shaun is barely listening to what she’s saying and barely even looking at the screen. 

“Where did you get this?” Shaun asks with a hollow voice, not looking up. 

“The Initiates.” (bc who else)

Shaun looks at it again, then at Rebecca, and he’s mildly aware of the fact he’s slightly tearing up; “That’s fake. That can’t be him. He’s dead, Becs. We both saw the…” They both saw the autopsy footage the ac4 researcher got from Abstergo -- or at least, tried to watch it; they shut it off as soon as Shaun ran to the bathroom to throw up and Rebecca quickly joined him. They spent the rest of that night crying and drinking way too much. 

“He died.” Shaun concludes firmly. 

And so Becs is all like “yeah but what if he didn’t?? We need to find him. We need to investigate this.” There’s a determination in her eyes and Shaun knows he’s not going to be able to convince her to drop this -- not that he would. Desmond might be alive, and there is no way they’re going to leave him again. 

They’re both standing there in pure shock and confusion, not saying anything. 

Rebecca’s comm device lights up and starts buzzing, snapping them out of their general ????-ness. Becs goes to her desk to grab it, glances at the caller id and then shows it to Shaun. It’s William Miles. 

The two of them share a Look. They know what he’s calling about -- what else would it be? There’s a stilted moment of neither of them doing anything before Rebecca finally accepts the call. “William?” 

“How quickly can you and Shaun get to [city]?” William sounds shaken -- probably the same way Rebecca and Shaun are -- which is a very weird way to hear the Mentor of the Brotherhood sound. He’s seen the footage, hasn’t he? 

“In a few hours,” Rebecca replies. 

“Good. You need to get there as soon as possible.” 

Everyone’s silent for a few moments. 

“Is this about Desmond?” Rebecca asks. Dumb question. 

There’s a pause. “You’ll be briefed on the ground.” And then he hangs up before Shaun or Rebecca can yell at him.

This is all moving very fast. Shaun and Rebecca share another look. Guess they’re going to [city].  ???

// 

Fast forward several hours and Rebecca and Shaun are in The City [might just have to make the city london bc it’s the one city i actually know well -- however for plot reasons we’ll see later, a swiss city might be better… moving on!]. They get to an assassin base and meet up with Galina Voronina and 2 local assassins. Idk if you’ve read the comics, but to sum things up quickly, Galina and her team were investigating and then ended Project Phoenix -- so Galina now really wants to find out if the whole Desmond thing has anything to do with that. 

Galina also wants to help Shaun and Rebecca get their friend back. They’re her friends, but equally she just lost one of her teammates to Abstergo (while ending Phoenix like 2 months ago, in the comics) and is uh- idk how to say it but she wants to help Shaun & Becs who have a chance to get their lost teammate back.

What follows is cool gang-gang trying to track down any trace of Desmond. You’d think it wouldn’t be hard to find a person who literally glows, but Desmond’s had centuries of Assassin training and knows how to hide lol.. which is making the Assassins’ job harder lol. 

What’s making it even harder is the Assassins know they have to be quick because they know Abstergo is gonna be looking for Desmond too -- and they have way more resources and stuff. That being said, they’re also currently dealing with the fact one of their building and a decent amount of their guards just got absolutely mullered by weird-glowing-desmond. 

The third issue with their entire thing is that they have no idea what they’re going to find when they find Desmond -- or if he even is Desmond. Is he going to be the man they knew but with weird powers? an Abstergo isu-clone? evil? they don’t know, and so they know they’ve got to be wary with him. 

The Assassin gang spend some time (a couple of days at the very most) trying to track Desmond down. Rebecca is using all the tech she can get her hacker mitts on to find a trace of him and equally throw Abstergo off Des’ trail. 

Soon enough, they get a solid lead -- don’t ask for the specifics, i don’t know them. But they get a lead, and it winds them up in an abandoned apartment building or also abandoned building site or something (a building in the city where there aren’t any people, basically). 

Galina scans the place with Eagle Vision and she’s like “There is something very strange about this place.” (someone?) But she doesn’t see a person-shape anywhere. The 5 of them are hopeful but somewhat on edge. 

They go about searching for any sign of Desmond. Galina’s pretty sure her Eagle Vision is just… Messing Up A Lot lol. Like something’s trying to heck with it. So she’s not quite sure it’s working correctly when a load of red figures appear somewhere below them. 

She becomes a lot more sure when the red figures come into sight and START SHOOTING AT THEM! IT’S ABSTERGO!! CRAP! they found them!!

The assassins get down and a really cool fight scene w them vs the Abstergos in the building/ building site starts playing out. Woo Shaun and Rebecca electro-hidden-blade moments!! The fight splits the squad up and Shaun and Rebecca are away from Galina & the others -- but they dispatch the Abstergo guards near them.

They’re about to radio in that they’re all okay/ check if Galina & co are also good when they hear a slightly-too-loud footstep. They whip around to see an Abstergo guard aiming right at them, too far for either of them to get him before he shoots them. crap crap crap.

They would have been shot -- if someone hadn’t come up behind the Abstergo guard and snapped his neck (ouch). 

The Abstergo drops to the ground, revealing the person who saved them and… Shaun and Rebecca stare in shock. 

They’re both looking at Desmond Miles. 

Desmond Miles, who is very much alive (and wearing a hoodie that is 100% stolen). And… with a load of glowing yellow lines on his face. But it’s Desmond -- it’s Desmond for sure. Holy shit.  

Desmond doesn’t seem so shocked, only relieved to see them. Then his expression turns into serious confusion; 

“What the fuck is happening?”

///

ok sorry leaving it there for now! hope you enjoyed what is here will continue soon

[we-are-inevitable]

new javid au?? you bet!!

hi ok so i thought of an au. basically a stereotypical hallmark movie but make it javid. this au featuures: jack “i was raised on a farm and practice saying important conversations to my cows” kelly and david “i went to college in a big city because i’m built different” jacobs

i might eventually write this out into a fic !! soooo,,

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION:

the jacobs family lives in a small town in a southwestern state.

david jacobs is, of course, a bit of an outsider in the town. he's not interested in farming or country things, he's more into the Big Outside World and wants to study something that isn't very "traditional" for his area (i'm thinking comparative literature or journalism (with a minor in queer studies that he Does Not Talk About because Hello, Small Town!)

anyways he has a devoted friendgroup that he spends a lot of time with:

sarah (david's twin sister, who isn't afraid to get into trouble and has never been very 'ladylike'; plays softball and runs track with tony)

jack (latino farm boy with a heart of gold, a shitty father and a hidden artistic talent; basically the glue that holds the group together)

katherine (a girl who constantly feels trapped in a close-minded small town and wants to get out; also into journalism)

tony (who they call racetrack because he's an all-state cross country runner; biggest dumbass but can solve any math problem ever)

sean (he's basically a god on the football field; extremely intelligent, can play at least 6 instruments; called 'spot' bc Freckles)

charlie (Literally The Best Human Ever; student council president, National Honor Society president, also in drama)

and albert (probably a stoner but he's chill and legitimately the funniest person; troublemaker but also a literal golden retriever)

there's more of them that float between friend groups, but, of course, Davey, Sarah, Jack, Katherine, Tony, Sean, Charlie, and Albert are the "core" friends.

but. surprise: davey is the only one who goes out of state for college.

the rest split up, but stay in state. Jack goes to a trade school (he takes welding courses at the local vo-tech), Tony and Sean end up going to a community college together about 30 minutes away from home, albert goes straight into the workforce under a relative's wing, and charlie, kath, and sarah all go to a big university about 3 hours away from home.

but not davey. no, davey goes to a school in new york, just because he needs to get away from everything.

because davey goes to school on the other side of the country, he rarely gets the chance to come home. this, of course, means that he slowly drifts away from all of his high school friends- aside from sarah, obviously, because he still sees family a lot, but he doesn't talk to anyone else that often... especially jack.

now, jack and david were never a "thing," but there was always some underlying tension. longing stares, late night talks on the roof of jack's barn, hangouts at the diner in town. they were inseperable, pretty much. by far the closest friends out of the group... until jack and katherine started dating. and, yeah, david is happy for them. he's so happy for them- he jumps up and down and screams and shouts when kath and jack show up to school one day holding hands- because jack and katherine have been his closest friends for YEARS. they’re their own little subgroup- Jack, Kath, and Davey- and they go pretty much everywhere together. sometimes sarah tags along too, so david isn't third wheeling, but most of the time it's just the three of them.

but it hurts so much, because david likes jack. but jack is apparently straight. so david goes away. goes to a school across the country instead of, yknow, facing his feelings.

FAST FORWARD TO ABOUT TEN YEARS LATER!!!

david is a successful 28 year old. after graduating from college (where he ended up double majoring in english and journalism, with a minor in queer studies), he works for a publishing company and has a pretty cushy job as an editor or something, idk yet, and he's doing really, really well for himself- until one day, he gets a call from his mom, Esther, and finds out that his father is sick. sicker than he should be, really, and they're just now convincing him to get checked out.

of course, after hearing the news, David is torn. his family is from a small town, so job opportunities are hard to come by... but regardless, within a little over a week, David has moved back home to help take care of things.

pretty soon, david has a job. thanks to his background knowledge in journalism and his writing ability, he's able to score a job from Joseph Pulitzer, who runs a few newspapers in their town and others in the surrounding area. he feels like he's gotten a whole new start from the past he disliked so much, until it all comes back to bite him in the ass when he runs into Jack Kelly at the co-op. 

"Davey?"

"Wha-- Oh! Jack?"

"Good to see ya, man! What are ya doin' back?"

"I moved back a few weeks ago. Missed home, you know?"

"Just couldn't stay away, could ya?"

"Guess not."

they talk for a few minutes, but eventually have to split apart- jack has to get his feed back to the farm before his girls, aka: his cows, get angry, and davey has to get the chicken scratch back home before esther maims him. they exchange numbers, though, and promise to catch up sometime soon.

after that encounter, Jack Kelly ends up showing up a lot more often. davey sees him all the time without meaning to. in line at the grocery store, at the co-op, stopped next to him at the one stoplight in the middle of town- everywhere. they're never able to talk, though; not until one evening, davey gets a call from jack. 

at first, conversation is a bit tense- but only because it's been so long since they've talked. once the ball gets rolling, though, they're laughing and carrying on like they never stopped talking. when the conversation calms down a bit, jack asks davey if he'd like to come over.

"i'd love to, if your wife doesn't mind having a guest, of course."

"i... actually don't have a wife."

"oh-- oh, i'm sorry, i just assumed-"

"nah, it ain't nothin' to twist yourself up about. you know where i live, yeah? swing by 'round seven."

"sounds like a plan." 

and that's how davey finds out that jack owns the land that his father's farm was on. the house, though, is different- and he soon realizes that jack has completely remodeled. the porch isn't rotting anymore, and the yard is green and trimmed, and the pond out in the back yard doesn't look god-awful anymore, much to davey's delight.

dinner goes off without a hitch. everything goes right, just like old times. they swap college stories. jack tells davey about inheriting the farm and making it his own (likely to scrub every piece of his father out of his life), while davey tells jack about the big city and how different it is being home. it's nice. comfortable. familiar.

jack and davey try to meet up as often as they can after that night, which is difficult considering their schedules, but they somehow make it work. they make it really work, in fact- they have dinner twice a week (usually with some old friends), they fish together (read: jack fishes while david sits on the back of his truck and talks to him), and they even go to rodeos and football games together (to look back on they're youth, of course). 

one night, about a week before jack's 29th birthday, they meet up at the bar in town and spend hours drinking beer and whiskey and talking about life. once they make it back to jack's house, they continue talking on the couch, but talking turns into cuddling ("just for old time's sake") and cuddling turns into confessions ("i only dated those girls because i thought it would help me get over you") and confessions turn into tears ("when he found out, he kicked me out of the house") and tears turn into promises ("i loved you then, jack, and i'll love you now") and promises turn into more. 

eventually, more turns a knee on a ground and a ring on a hand. eventually, a ring on a hand turns into a wedding. eventually, a wedding turns into memories, years down the line, while sitting on an old porch swing and watching grandchildren play in the front lawn.

the end !!!!

[jpegjade]

When the Party’s Over - Spencer

WHY IS THIS THE LONGEST THING IVE WRITTEN???? probably bc drunk me is wordy. i do talk a lot when i’m drunk and it gets on people’s nerves. i just really love you guys. i was sad when i wrote this, really sad, and it’s the first “smut”???? ive ever written. so here we go frens and ferns. 

warnings: uuuhhhh smut???

________________

When the night started, you were at Rossi’s house, getting drunk with the team. It was right after a hard case, difficult on everyone’s psyche so Rossi invited everyone over to relax in the usual way. After pasta and drinks, most of the team was still there while Spencer offered to drive you home since you were not in the shape to drive and he was the only one who opted for water instead of alcohol. He was beat but he wasn’t in the mood to drink tonight. 

Spencer was being a good friend but he had his motives. He wanted to talk to you in the car. You weren’t so drunk that you wouldn’t remember the conversation but your inhibitions were lowered enough to be truly and completely honest with him so you were the slightest bit tipsy but not drunk. You were 100% lucid and could think for yourself but you took the excuse to drink some of the smirnoff you brought and keep going. 

He wasn’t planning for it to happen like this but you were being very outspoken to everyone at the party so he figured it was time to get you home before you were out of a job after calling Hotch, “Hotchner the Grouch.” They found it funny but Spencer knew that you could go wrong easily. 

“Spencer Reid.” You said, staring at him. “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be as honest as I’m being right now.” 

“Okay. I promise to be honest.” Spencer said, a little nervous. He chuckled anyway because you were so adamant that he answered honestly. 

“Do you like me?” You asked, suddenly very serious. 

“Y/n, you’re my best friend. Of course I like you.” Spencer tried to give you an answer that wouldn’t expose his real thoughts. 

For the past few months, Spencer thought about you a lot. It caused him to avoid you a little bit but you wouldn’t let him stray too far away from you. You kept texting him outside of the team group chat. You continued inviting him over for dinner. You never relented on checking in with his mental health. You never gave up on your relationship with him. 

 You were so focused on his jawline that your hand worked by itself, poking his face. He smiled and made the turn into your apartment complex’s parking lot and parked. 

“While I appreciate the validation of our friendship, that’s not what I mean and you know it.” You said, very serious. 

Spencer looked over at you, nervous to answer. He swallowed and took a shaky breath. 

“Y/n, is it really important?” Spencer tried to avoid the conversation. 

He opened the door and got out, walking quickly around to your side of the car to open the door. He didn’t have to but he wanted to. It’s always what he did. 

“Yes, it’s important, Spencer. I want to know.” You bumped shoulders with him as the two of you walked to your apartment on the third floor. 

Spencer sighed. 

“Yes, I like you. A lot…” You and Spencer arrived at your door, handing you your keys. 

You just stood there, staring up at Spencer. You reached up to touch his hair. It was so soft… You wrapped your fingers around one of the curls and smiled. Spencer stood there, nose ghosting over yours. 

“Do you want to come in?” It was barely audible but it was there. 

“I shouldn’t. You’re not sober. Unless you just want to hang out.” He said, looking at his wing tip shoes. 

“Spencer, get in here. I have literally been waiting almost a whole year for you to say that.” You pulled him to you by his tie and kissed him. 

*****

It was tentative at first. It tasted like spearmint gum. Spencer wasn’t chewing any at the moment so you guessed that he had been chewing it earlier. You liked that. It was refreshing. Slowly, Spencer got more comfortable with the kiss and relaxed and got more involved. It was sweet and gentle and soft. You felt his hands in your hair and felt the gentle pull and you released an involuntary moan. You could feel Spencer smile, the two of you momentarily breaking apart. 

Breaking apart left you speechless and in a daze. It was almost like you were in a fog but your head was clear. You were more than ready to do what you had been thinking about with Spencer for the past year. Some part of you needed this release while the other part of you needed him. 

“So inside?” You said. “The apartment, I mean.” 

“Yeah.” Spencer said, just as dazed.

Getting in the door was a task by itself. You and Spencer tried to go in at the same time and it was quite awkward but he let you go in first. 

You closed the door behind you, pressing your back to the cold surface. Scanning Spencer’s face, you saw that he was staring at your lips. 

“Do you want to continue here or should we...” He asked, looking back up at your eyes. 

“You tell me. I’ll let you take control tonight.” You said, smirking. 

Spencer clenched and unclenched his jaw nervously before licking his lips. You always liked when he did that. He wore chapstick but he never did it for anything other than a sign that he was thinking. 

“I haven’t been in your apartment before.” He said, gingerly. He smiled as you took his hand, guiding him to your bedroom. 

You grabbed your cat off the bed, putting it outside the bedroom and shooing it away. The cat sauntered around to find somewhere else to sleep. 

“Are we really about to do this?” Spencer asked, looking at you on the bed. 

Laying back on the bed, half of you held up by your elbows, you marveled at Spencer. The light from your hallway illuminated his silhouette very nicely. You could see the curves of his arms and his slender frame very clearly. 

“Do you want to do it?” You said, tilting your head a little bit. 

“Yeah, a lot.” Spencer said, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. 

He had dreamed about this moment, literally, but he didn’t know he would be so nervous. He didn’t think it would ever happen. He never imagined you’d be laying in front of him like this. 

“Then drop the pants and I’ll drop to my knees,” You smirked. 

“Do you mind if we skip that part?” Spencer said not really in the mood for a blow job. 

It wasn’t that he was opposed to it, it’s just that he didn’t want to think of you like that yet. He felt like those experiences were for days where there wasn’t much time. Tonight, you had all the time in the world.

“You’re telling me you don't want my mouth on your dick?” You said, confused. 

You stood up, getting close to Spencer. You started unbuckling his belt and he audibly swallowed. He was nervous, not because of you but because he wanted this to go right. There was pressure when it came to something so intimate for the first time with someone. He felt your hands on his hips once you got his belt undone. 

“Shoes on or off?” He asked. 

“I’m taking my shoes off, obviously.” You said, already flipping them off. “Oh, you mean you. Well depends on what you want to do. You can bend me over the side of the bed, fuck me from behind, and call it a night. Or, if you want to draw it out, you can climb on top of me and fuck me in the bed. Oh, there’s also shower sex if you feel gross. Wouldn’t recommend it because it’s slippery and counterproductive to me getting wet.” You were rambling off some of the many fantasies and logistics that you’d thought about over the past year. You had thought about it a lot. 

Spencer kissed you. He just wanted you to take a breath because the more you talked about what you thought about, the more he thought about it. And the more he thought about all the ways he wanted to make love to you, the more he just wanted to get started. 

“Spencer, please pick somewhere because I’m literally struggling to keep it together.” You said in a low tone. 

“Clothes off, on the bed, legs open. I’ve got you tonight, baby.” Spencer said with a little more confidence. 

“Yes, sir.” You said, getting undressed. 

Spencer watched you but at the same time, he got dressed down to his boxers. Staring at you, he wondered how you were able to stay so calm on the outside right now. He didn’t usually have the sex drive as high as this moment. His body was on fire with desire and excitement but he was trying so hard to contain it. 

You laid down in the bed, just like Spencer told you to. He flipped on the light and you protested lightly with a groan and covered your face with both hands. 

“I want to watch you come all over me and lose complete control of your body. I can’t do that in the dark.” He said, walking over to the bed. 

“Well damn. Look at you, Spence. Actually showing some confidence. About damn time.” You said, smiling. You loved confident Spencer in all aspects of life, not just here. There was something about him that made you...want to be laid out in front of him, completely naked like you were now. 

“I honestly don’t know where I want to start…” Spencer said. Climbing onto the bed, he did the first thing that came to mind. 

“What’s your line?” He said, kissing your inner thigh, right above your knee. 

“Fuck, uh…” You never really thought of it in relation to Spencer. “Just don’t kill me.” You nervously chuckled. 

More thigh kisses. You wanted to grab your phone and put on some background music but it was just out of reach and Spencer’s arms looped through your legs and pinned your waist down to the bed. His grip was pretty firm. 

“Spence, can we…” A deep moan cut you off and slipped out your mouth when you felt his mouth finally where you wanted him. 

“Hmm?” Spencer looked up at you while his mouth went to work. The vibrations sent shockwaves up your body. 

“Holy shit. More.” You said. More was what he gave you, slipping in two fingers that matched the tempo that his mouth set. 

You were almost there, Spencer’s hair firmly in your hand and his name tumbling from your lips like a prayer, when Spencer slowed down and all together stopped. 

“I swear to god the room better be of fire.” You said, gritting your teeth. You were so, so close and he was being a tease. 

“You’re being a brat, baby. I promise I’ll give you exactly what you’re looking for.” Spencer said, looking for a towel.

“Don’t be a wuss. Kiss me.” You said, drawing his attention away from his towel search. He was nervous that you wouldn’t want to kiss him after he just went down on you. Crawling on top of you, he just stared at your features before you wrapped your arms around his shoulders, pulling him down to you. 

You hated breaking apart from kissing him, you really did. It left you in a daze, making the light seem a little too bright for your eyes. He rushed over to his satchel, digging in its contents to find the condom Morgan gave him for emergency purposes as a joke one day. Who knew it would come in handy. 

“Are you ready?” You asked Spencer. He chuckled. 

“I was just about to ask if you were ready.” Spencer went back to being a little awkward. He was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with you. 

“Spencer are you sure you don’t want me to help you out?” You asked, watching him shift as he got rid of his underwear. 

“I think I’m okay.” He said, blushing. 

“Okay well let me know if… Spencer, what the fuck?” You asked, looking down, between the two of you. “And you expect me to take all of that?” 

“Is it bad? I know I’m not like other guys but…” Spencer grew a little shy. 

“No, just work your magic because you’re different than most guys. Spence, just be confident because you are very special.” You said, hoping it helped him come back out of his shell. 

“Breathe, okay? It might be a little… Much.” Spencer said, lining himself up with you. 

“I’m fi…” You were cut off as he gently pushed into you. “Holy shit!” Was all you could breathe out while you tried to catch your breath. Much was an understatement with what you felt from Spencer just barely being inside of you.

He paused to let you adjust but it was tough. You could feel yourself stretching when he started moving a little more to help you relax. He took your leg and hitched it around his waist, making you gasp in shock. That was a completely new sensation that sped up your heart rate even faster, your head getting slightly dizzy. 

“Stay with me, darling, okay?” He whispered in your ear. 

If you weren’t all in with Spencer before, your feelings were definitely there now. 

The pace he set was slow and gentle, soft and delicate like he didn’t want to break you. It was just like you imagined it. Your hands intertwined with Spencer’s as he treated you so kindly. You felt pressure just below your stomach and it was like you couldn’t do anything but shut your eyes and let your body feel it. 

“Just keep breathing, okay? It makes it last longer.” Spencer said, trying to stay focused. His brain was going through the female anatomy but he wanted to stay focused. He opened his eyes as he continued pushing himself in and out of you. He wanted to make sure you were comfortable, taking his right hand and moving his thumb over your cheek. You looked so soft under him. 

“Faster.” You whimpered, the only thing you could manage. 

Everything felt nice, it felt comfortable. You were comfortable with Spencer. You thought it would be hotter, more dramatic when you would imagine it. You imagined him grabbing your hips and plunging himself into you until your body was exhausted and used. But that’s not how it worked. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, quietly. He was going faster and a bit harder, making it very hard for you to concentrate. 

“I’m…” You couldn’t think of the answer. You couldn’t think at all right then.

“You’re doing such a good job, love. Just relax, I’ve got you.” Spencer kissed you on the forehead before shifting your leg a bit higher on his hip. That ignited something inside of you that was hard to turn off. 

Your body was on pins and needles. You felt your body shaking as you held onto Spencer’s hand. He kissed you, soft and slightly frenzied. He was chasing his own release so quickly. Everything moved so smoothly between the two of you. 

Spencer’s body rolled into yours like the ocean, and you were the beach. His waves rushed into your shore over and over, filling you with pleasure you couldn’t find on your own. He was kissing your neck, marking you with sweet mumbles of, “I’m all yours.” 

“Spence…” Another instance of being unable to think or speak clearly. 

“I know, I know. And I want you to let it go for me. Be good for me and let go, y/n. I’m right here.” He said, kissing you deeply. 

Spencer pushed into you a little sloppier, trying to stay composed but it was a challenge. He wanted to make sure you rode out your high, which you were definitely doing. Your body was shaking and you were out of it a little bit as you came down. Spencer finished in the condom and kissed you so many times that you lost count. Your cheeks, your neck, your lips, forehead, nose, lips again. 

“Spencer, that was… That was nice.” You said, opening your eyes. He was smiling over you, shaking a little bit. You weren’t sure if his arms were tired or if he felt like you did. You hoped to god that he felt like you did. It worked out so well up to this point. 

He rolled off of you, standing up to get that towel to clean you up. He saw the bathroom door cracked open so he slipped the condom off and put his star trek underwear back on as he went into the bathroom and warmed up a small towel and grabbed a big towel. 

“I got aftercare towels.” He said, walking back into the room. 

You had curled up into yourself, laying down on your side, as you fell asleep slowly. You heard him come back into the room and smiled as he cleaned you up and helped you put a t-shirt on. Putting the towels in your wastebasket, he flipped the overhead light off and came back around to the opposite side of the bed and gently nudged you to let him hold you. 

“How do you feel?” Spencer asked, nuzzling his head into the crook between your shoulder and your neck. 

He felt so warm on your back like that, holding you tight. You felt safe and secure. 

“Spence, I love you.” You mumbled, just loud enough for him to hear. 

“I love you too, y/n,” Spencer said, falling asleep himself.

________________

taglist: 

@i-love-you-green

[fineanimesideblog]

thicker than forgotten 👀❤👀❤👀❤ i gotta know

Both you and @tenderlysizzlingfart asked about this one, which is hilarious bc its...probably THE most convoluted and hard to explain but I'll do my best 😂

Basically this arose between me and my sister during a series of speculations after I finished the adoption fic (Taking Care) where we went on to flesh out the OC and her clan/family, and play with how the story would go from there and where things would end up if Narto (and Sask) had a whole adopted family during the events of the show. This is where it gets weird. At the time, we were also obssessed with this book called "The Incredible Lives of Greta Wells" (which everyone should read- its literally lifechanging) which is about a woman who keeps waking up as parallel versions of herself in different timelines and trying to reconcile them, and we took those ideas and were like 👀👀

So yeah, basically this is "regular naruto wakes up in our au adopted naruto world where everything is perfect for...angst reasons? I guess?" Here's a bit of a snippet below. Eri and Wada are the OC's created for the story- like I said this is heavily au-

“Not true,” Said Sasuke, “Naruto knows all about how worms taste, don’t you?” 

He turned and looked sharply at Naruto, and Naruto felt like he’d been sucker punched. His teammate had an actual smile playing around his lips, as he looked slyly over to him across the table. Naruto had never seen Sasuke so relaxed and happy; for one strange fleeting second, he felt like he really was his brother, being playfully ribbed with an inside joke at dinner. The next second, Sasuke realized his slipup, and his face re-masked itself. 

“Oh, you wouldn’t know about that.” He said, clearly embarrassed. “Nevermind.” 

Tell me about it then Naruto felt like begging him. All of a sudden he could no longer stomach it; the warm inviting banter at the table and the hot food and the feeling of being surrounded by people seemed cruel. He pushed his bowl away suddenly. 

“I think I’m gonna go to bed.” He said, throat suddenly raw, “OK?” 

“Alright…” Eri blinked at him from her seat, “Do you want me to show you where your room is?” 

“No, I can find it.” 

It wasn’t hard to find. At the top of the landing a note scribbled on a piece of paper and stuck in the attic door with a kunai read, “Wada’s room, keep out!” in bold lettering. Down the hall, all of the other doors were open; he had only to get a glimpse of the Gai poster, smiling brilliantly at him from the wall to tell which one was Lee’s. That left the door in front of him. The room was a high-ceilinged space with bay windows. On one side, the dark blue bedspread was perfectly made and clothes for the next day laid out. On the other, the garish orange bedspread was haphazardly tossed over the mattress, familiar looking clothes and socks strewn around it. 

I share a room with Sasuke. He realized, and tried not to dwell on the thought, kicking off his clothes and searching through the pile of unfamiliar items before pulling on a T-shirt and sweatpants that already smelled disconcertingly like him. 

The sounds of them talking and laughing downstairs drifted up to him, Sasuke’s voice among them, and he bit his lip and tried to snuggle down into the blanket. 

It wasn’t fair. If this was a genjutsu, it was a particularly cruel one. But it couldn’t be; the detail went too deep; Naruto only had to look around the space he was in to see touches that couldn’t have been constructed by his own mind. Sentimental items he didn’t recognize, trash shoved into the frame of his bed; there was even a diary, hidden not-exactly-well within his pillowcase. He pulled it out and began reading the latest entry,

Tuesday, July 10’th. 

Kinda spent all day goofing off again at training, but captain Yamato takes forever to get to the point so it’s not really my fault. Sakura is totally eager to spar all the time now and I don't plan on getting my face caved in, so i’m pretending to learn a new move to avoid her. Tomorrow Wada and Shino and I are going out to Ichariku’s with our mission money. Might ask Sai to come just so i don’t feel like a third wheel (gross). Ok, Sasuke is literally snoring right now even though he says he doesn’t snore. As I'm writing this I can hear him. Note to self; borrow a video camera for evidence. 

There was more to it, but Naruto closed the book and quickly shoved it back under the pillow. He didn’t want to read anymore. He didn’t want to be here any more. It was too cruel, and unfair; and a cruel and unfair thought was beginning to form in his mind. Maybe, he thought under the covers listening to the warm family banter below, maybe he just wouldn’t get back home. Maybe that other Naruto could take his life- the empty, trashed apartment, the fractured team, the lost Sasuke- and he could have this, if only for a while. He’d had it pretty good for a while, hadn’t he? That other Naruto? It was only fair. Maybe that other him would even  know what to do with his life. 

He lay there considering it in the darkness for awhile until he heard someone come up the stairs. In the hallway outside the door he could hear people talking in hushed voices; Eri and Sasuke, it sounded like, before the door was pushed open and Sasuke slipped inside. He didn’t bother being particularly quiet as he pulled on his pajamas and slid into his own bed. 

“Night.” He called quietly after a few minutes, and Naruto jumped, having forgotten that he could, of course, use sharingan to tell if he was awake. 

“Night.” he called back, guiltily, but he stayed awake anyway, as long as he could, listening to the sounds of the house as it settled. Trying to create a perfect snapshot of it, in case he closed his eyes and woke up in his old life again. 

[kickingstonesandbones]

What I’ve gathered from the 3 Episodes bc some of y’all seem confused or asked

Disclaimer: For the past 10+ years, I've made it a hobby of mine to thoroughly analyze fictional characters and plots, so I feel pretty confident in predicting characters. There rarely are plot twists that can surprise me. BUT that is obviously no guarantee that I am absolutely perfect at it and never wrong! Nor do I believe that I am always correct, just quite confident in reading between the lines with characters.

There are some theories and posts I've seen (on different platforms) that, I think, are doing a good job of getting the general gist of stuff, but nonetheless, they all seem to be overlooking minor details that can turn around meanings (like the way Hoshino acts). Also, many of you seem to either be ignoring or unaware of the mindset of older JAPANESE generations (of Insanely Rich Families™).

So yeah, I am just going to put statements/theories I’ve seen and go through them one by one. They’ll be obviously marked, so just read the ones you’re interested in? (Also, I absolutely love a good discourse, so if you have something that would challenge my own theories, or would like to discuss something that I haven’t touched up on in this OR want me to elaborate on something, feel free to comment, reblog, or dm me with your opinion or question! Whatever you’re more comfortable with 😊)

#1 Haru killed the woman. (I see this as a kind of side-comment a lot?)

#2 Hoshino feels 'torn' about Haru. // He has turned cold/harsh towards Haru. // He dislikes Haru now. (Why it’s more complicated than that and also different than you think – explained more lengthily than I intended to, but still shorter than I could’ve lol)

#3 Why that entire first scene in Episode 3 exists.

#4 Because of that scene, WHAT really is Suzue to Daisuke now? (Just brain farts, pls kinda ignore this one haha I just wanted that one theory written down to get back to it)

#5 Older Japanese Generations In General... (aka Daisuke’s behavior in Ep 3 explained)

#6 Daisuke and Haru are NOT as close as some of you might want to believe right now.... Yet, at least. Yet.

Extra: I've seen a post where someone wondered whether Daisuke's and Haru's pasts are somehow connected. (I haven’t seen a single post about the 1998 Files and the Parents in this context, for some reason, and was wondering.)

I’ll put a Read More here because this is going to be long, very long.

#1 Haru killed the woman.

Absolutely not true. (I do see people mention that like “he killed her in self-defense” in case you're thinking "well duh, Sherlock.") Choice of words is ALWAYS important.

In Episode 2 when Haru and Daisuke talk on the stairs, Daisuke relays information about Haru. He says, "you misfired and seriously injured the target" when talking about the reason why Haru is not in First Division anymore.

Now, Daisuke does not seem the type to sugarcoat facts, which means he would not leave out "which resulted in their death" at the end, or just straight up say "you misfired and killed the target." Now, 'seriously injured' means that the woman's life WAS in grave danger and she was close to dying, but she DID NOT DIE in the end. She survived. Being shot in the chest does not mean inevitable death. In fact, you can survive injury to any organ (even the brain) EXCEPT for the stomach (bc inner walls are covered in a protein that protects the stomach from digesting itself -> injury that would let the acid leak from it -> acid will burn away other organs -> you die of multiple organ failure bc you cannot stitch up a stomach)

It hits her in the right side of her chest, maybe even right below the shoulder. It’s hard for me to tell the exact position from the frames. But anyway, it most likely pierced through her right lung, which in itself is already deadly enough. But yeah, she did not die. No one in the anime ever even alludes to it.

I think some people believe he actually accidentally killed the woman because Haru was so devastated by it IMMEDIATELY. No, it wasn’t because of that per se. He was absolutely devastated because he. LOVES. PEOPLE. (As shown by his entire conversation with the boy on the train before he gets off and his faith in the good in people in Ep 3.) And it just left him so shaken that he (seriously) injured an innocent person. (In his eyes innocent because someone who is about to shoot you out of anger/other strong emotions is not necessarily innocent to me but that is an entirely different discussion.) Anyway, I think he was most shocked about the fact that he had pulled the trigger on her out of reflex (because he instinctively knew she WAS going to shoot him DEAD in that moment and his body reacted before he could think about it – as his immediate reaction to shooting her shows).

See the absolute shock in his eyes? Like he only realized what he did right after shooting her. Reflex.

 #2 Hoshino feels 'torn' about Haru. // He has turned cold/harsh towards Haru. // He dislikes Haru now.

Yes, but no. I don't quite agree - and I don't agree mostly with the explanations given why (but also parts of the statements). And the reason for that is simply Hoshino's different facial expressions and exact choice of words in the interactions between them. To me, he seems like the type who would have an indifferent kind of face most of the time since I literally screenshotted every single scene with him (solely for this analysis lol), and he does have variation in expression, but only a little bit most of the time. His feelings are kinda subtle.

But before I explicitly explain what I mean, let me define something. 'Being torn' about something in general means that one cannot decide between two things, mostly two opposite (or at least quite different) things. And since some say Hoshino 'feels torn,' it would mean he would have two opposing feelings towards Haru, which I honestly don't think is true. It is just one very complex feeling that manifested over time.

Let me start by how Hoshino views Haru.

Haru is Hoshino's senior (senpai). Hoshino is Haru's junior (kohai). As we can see in the flashback in Ep 3 on the rooftop, Hoshino admires Haru. Like, this baby has complete and utter admiration in his eyes.

(He likely also thinks in that moment that Haru is insane, but that is besides the point right now.) He admires Haru for being able to do things fearlessly that he hesitates about. He looks like he’d like to be just like Haru as well. He looks up to him.

Then, the incident of Haru shooting the woman happens. Haru leaves the First Division and 'gets demoted' to the MCPTF. The two of them only speak to each other with higher level (distant relationship) honorifics. (I have a point about Hoshino calling Haru senpai in the first episode, but I will get to that.) Why they fell back into stranger honorifics will get more obvious in my second main point.

In the flashback we get in the third episode,

we get a Hoshino who stays on the side, also looking kind of dejected. I do not think that he is disappointed or angry at that moment. He just stares at his senpai in silence. Since he admires Haru so much, I guess he always wanted to be a cop JUST LIKE Haru, so he is... grieving? with Haru. I don't really know how to put it into words, but you could say he is HURTING by seeing his amicable, precious senpai BEATEN. Do not forget that Takei (Haru’s former superior) also puts a reassuring hand on Haru's shoulder. This interaction shows that they DO NOT blame him. (I am saying this bc I've seen people angry about what Hoshino says to Haru in Ep 3, saying "why would he hate him so much now and be so mean" - he doesn't. He absolutely. Does. Not. Hate. Him. He is frustrated and disappointed, but not hateful towards Haru.)

Having explained that, let me get to my first main point here:

I don't think I need to lay out Haru's work ethics for you guys because they're so clearly shown in the anime. So considering those work ethics of his, I truly believe that Haru ASKED to be removed from the First Division (which is why I put gets demoted in '   ' earlier) and be switched to one where he does not need a gun. Hence, he's now in the MCPTF. We do not SEE him getting demoted after that incident, which is why I firmly believe that that was Haru's decision and that he was persistent about it. When he packs up and leaves

he does not seem sour to HAVE to leave the division, but rather that he still seems to dwell over the reason WHY he's packing his stuff up. (You can see turmoil in his eyes. And that he’s lost in thoughts. He seems regretful, but also kind of set on something.) I mean the train scene really shows just HOW MUCH it still affects him

so I am pretty certain that he's thinking about exactly that and that he does not deserve to be a cop because of what he has done in that exact moment, and so on.

My second main point:

My first main point is exactly the reason why I think Hoshino acts the way he does towards Haru. It explains his expression that we see as Haru packs up his stuff.

He does not look angry.

He is hurt. And disappointed.

He feels let down.

In a sense, also betrayed. Like this isn’t reality.

The oh-so-great senpai, whom he has always looked up to all this time, who seemed so amazing, is pulling in his tail between his legs. Giving up. And running away. Just like that. Just because of ONE mistake. One mistake ALL of them probably would've made in that situation if they had been in his shoes. It made him realize that the senpai he had idolized all this time might not be as invincible as he had thought.

And. It. Hurts. Hoshino. To. No. End. (I mean, just zoom in on the pic and look at those eyes.)

I don't think he has ever let Haru know just how hurt he was just watching him leave and accepting the work he'd do in MCPTF (which is literally just desk work and filling in missing men force, as far as we’ve seen), which probably would mean that he let the hurt foster and foster inside of him until it slowly started to turn into coldness/curtness towards Haru. (Also could be that they fought before Haru left, which would also explain some remarks Hoshino makes.) He was hurt, and he somehow needed to show it.

Hoshino looked up to Haru, and was left feeling let down by his former partner. That stings. Deeply.

(I mean you can literally see the small changes in his eyes. His expressions slightly soften and harden. But the words tend to be more direct and harsh. And honestly, that is the result of disappointment and hurt speaking. But nevertheless, he still lets Haru and Kamei listen in (bottom right corner) even though he does look slightly annoyed; probably because he knows that he won’t be able to get rid of them, especially Haru. So the admiration is still there – probably had never left – which can give him moments where he “gives in”. Also, look at the bottom left corner.)

I mean Hoshino probably used to ALWAYS call Haru senpai for a longer period of time because he NEVER ever calls Haru senpai in the anime except for that one time when Haru startled him in the first episode. People in general react out of reflex and instinct whenever they're startled because reflexes and instincts are not a thing your brain CONSCIOUSLY processes. Those are subconscious responses.

If you don’t believe me, here is the other times Hoshino has called Haru – and when he did, it was literally only “Kato-san” (there aren’t a lot of other examples bc he literally only says Haru’s name like four times so far, but when he is NOT surprised, he addresses Haru like this):

(Completely taken aback by Haru just stealing the ear-piece, surprised face, afterwards not even aware that he did call Haru senpai, which he never does again (so far))

Which means Hoshino did not (more like COULD NOT) think about the way he'd call Haru, so that "senpai" slipped past his lips out of pure old habit. (Which goes to show that they used to be really close.) I'm not crying, you are.

.

I also have to bring up that first conversation on the train in Ep 3.

Kato: “That was rather fast.”

Hoshino: “Why are you here?” (he says Kato-san in Japanese, not “you”)

K: “I happened to be on the train. The perp is male. He said he failed the college entrance exam, so his age is somewhere around 19 or 20. I’m guessing he’s from somewhere around Hyogo.”

H: “How do you know-”

K: “I was sitting next to him, until moments ago.”

H: “Any other information?”

K: “No. I only started talking to him when I was close to getting off.”

H: “Understood. We at First Division will be handling this case. Kato-san, please take your leave.”

K: “It’s alright. I’m not a stranger in his light. Let me do it.”

H: “Do you have any authority to be on this crime scene?”

K: “What do you mean?”

H: “Why don’t you ask yourself that question?”

Look exactly at the changes in their eyes in each single picture here. Notice how Hoshino goes from surprised to somewhat indifferent to challenging? Someone might even argue that he looks angry, hostile, or that it’s resentment in his eyes, but considering that he is asking “Why don’t you ask yourself that question?” it is neither of those, because he is challenging Haru to defend himself. But Haru doesn’t answer, and they just stare each other down for a few seconds.

Just by the way Hoshino says it, and the way Haru reacts and how it immediately triggers the flashback/memory afterwards, I think this might actually be something Haru has said TO Hoshino (about himself) back then when Hoshino might've tried to change Haru's mind on leaving the First Division (that he does not deserve to be a cop, investigate crime scenes like that, etc). At least that interaction and just how Haru reacts to it seems to be implying that to me.

I refuse to believe Hoshino did not try at all to persuade and hold back Haru back then (I mean just that pic of Hoshino staring at Haru when he was packing his stuff and leaving the division literally SCREAMS INTO YOUR FACE), so I believe Haru told him at least SOMEWHAT how he feels about the whole thing, and I think Haru probably definitely said something along those lines. Like, he “did not deserve to investigate crime scenes LIKE THAT” (I mean the trauma and the train scene are literally the same hostage scenario with the culprit having a firearm (even if the kid's was a model gun and not real)) nor that he “deserved to be a cop any longer (because cops wouldn’t hurt the innocent).” He might’ve said something like that to Hoshino, which only frustrates and disappoints the latter further.

So in this complicated mess, what is it that Hoshino is actually feeling? That mixture of hurt, disappointment, betrayal and being let down has manifested itself into frustration. Hoshino is frustrated with Haru.

He’ll probably explode (in Haru’s face) at some point in the anime, too.

(I think Hoshino is an interesting character.)

#3 Why that entire first scene in Episode 3 exists

I was so confused about that scene in the beginning and had to check whether I WAS actually watching the third episode lol

The main thing I get from it is that it's entirely about INFORMATION. That is probably entirely because the Hong Kong episode got deleted and instead we'll get that in a drama CD? In Hong Kong, Haru probably would've learned that HEUSC is an AI butler, not a real one, and how to use him. (Among other things.) I mean, he somehow needs to first get to learn about HEUSC before he can use him for the whole train scenario later in the episode? And that hadn't been done yet, and probably would've happened in Hong Kong, but we aren't getting that in the anime so that information needed to be given another way. Which is probably why that first scene even exists. If anyone knows well about script writing for that and how that in general works, and knows more about this, please let me know, I am interested in learning lmao

#4 Because of that scene, WHAT really is Suzue to Daisuke now?

I do not want anyone to comment that it was confirmed that they are siblings or some shit. NOTHING has been confirmed. She still could be his wife. She also just could be his sister. Or a cousin. We will get to know eventually, but as of right now, NOTHING AT ALL HAS BEEN CONFIRMED. REMEMBER THAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU HATE IT.

I, in general, do not really care for ships. So idgaf if she is his sister or wife, but I DO have a theory of my own. And it is all because of how Daisuke's grandmother introduced herself.

DAISUKE'S grandmother. Not THEIRS. Not Daisuke's AND Suzue's grandmother. ONLY Daisuke's.

So this either means a harsh canon awakening for shippers, or it MIGHT mean something entirely else. (And I have 3 points to make here.)

(1) That she does not accept Suzue as a grandchild. Now, she did not look like she harbors resentment towards Suzue and wished she wasn't present at all or didn't exist. Buuuuut.... Suzue might be an illegitimate grandchild? Like, I know that sounds wild, but hear me out.

Children sometimes look more like one parent rather than the other (or a parent’s side). Sometimes, not always, but often enough. Animes in general do not make love interests or parents look almost identical. (But then again, you could never know with the devs of this one lmao) Soooo... It could be that they either look like their father, or their mother. And the respective parent had an affair, resulting in Suzue. And why I believe it would be Suzue, if one of them actually would be the illegitimate child? Because she is younger than Daisuke, and the way the grandmother treats HIM. (Honestly, if Daisuke would be the illegitimate child, 1. Grandma wouldn't claim him 2. Why would the other parent stick around for two more years to have another child with a cheater?) Which could be why - considering the mindset of older Japanese generations - why she only introduced herself as Daisuke's grandmother. And also why she is so immensely strict with him. In her eyes, he would be the only heir to the family. So she has to raise him to be a responsible man whom she can hand over the company to with peace of mind.

(2) Daisuke and Suzue are actually married. So get over it in this case. (And don't you DARE hate on a great character (again) because of that, otherwise I'll only refer to ya'll as salty hoes from them on.)

(3) We all (read: I) might be interpreting too much into it and it literally means nothing at all, and she just introduced herself that way because they were going to talk about Daisuke because of his new work place and since Daisuke and Haru are partners. For this case, I already have my wig, red nose, and make up ready 🤡

If I am being honest, (1) does not seem too likely to me – just something I randomly thought of. I actually think it’s just simply (3). But I am presenting it for the VERY small chance that (1) could actually be true lmao I bet I will cringe hard at it later

Highly likely: Since Haru would be more involved with Daisuke than Suzue because of work, it could be that she just found it more logical to introduce herself as his grandma, rather than theirs, so yeah… like I’ve said, these are just brain farts and I just wanted to have them written down lol

EDIT: I’ve been made aware that there seems to be an error in the translation. Since it is too much of a pain to add even more pics on mobile, I will just relay the information of the tweet. You can find the link to the tweet in the comments though. My Japanese isn’t that great, so I am dependent on the translation, so errors can occur, which makes me happy when people point something like this out to me. Basically, what Kikuko is actually saying in Japanese is that she’s the grandma, but she leaves out the pronouns - therefore not really saying whose grandma she is - so it could refer to both of them. Like I said, (1) doesn’t seem likely to me anyway lol

#5 Older Japanese Generations In General...

Are strict. Are very conservative. Especially insanely rich families like the Kambe's. Kikuko is NOT strict with him because she has a bad personality or because she is inherently mean or something. (Though she does seem to consider him a bit irresponsible because she calls him selfish)

(Also notice how she asks “so hasn’t he” instead of “he hasn’t been, has he?” which means she always expects him to cause trouble for everyone. This goes to show that Daisuke can never do enough or do good enough for her, which also explains his character a bit since his grandma took care of him since his parents died, but my point here is not to analyze his entire behavior.)

The Japanese have a culture of respect. Respect your elders. Unconditionally. And grandparents of insanely rich families like Daisuke's also demand respect, which means not talking back, or DISOBEYING THEIR ORDERS. Which brings me to the next point (for which I have written this one because y’all might be misinterpreting Daisuke’s behavior, which is exactly what I meant in the beginning with “ignoring or being unaware of the mindset of older Japanese generations”)...

#6 Daisuke and Haru are NOT as close as some of you might want to believe right now.... Yet, at least. Yet.

Sorry to burst the bubbles.

I see everyone going on about them now being partners, and Daisuke trusting his life with Haru’s judgement.

The second part, yes… kinda at least.

The first? Not so much.

Let me talk about the first half of the sentence first. Like the point before this clarifies – unconditional, non-questioning respect, and no disobedience. Which means that Daisuke would NOT go against the orders of his grandmother. By helping Haru with that case and listening to him, being coached, is literally just him obeying Kikuko. (He might also think that it would be better to just follow before Haru rats him out to his grandma for a second time.)

(I do bet though that that will soon change and be genuine!)

Now, with the part about trusting his life to Haru’s judgement… I am not sure whether I can properly explain this the way I mean it, so I just hope it will make sense. I think Daisuke kind of trusted Haru’s judgement on the boy, but also trusted his own judgement just a little more than that. I think he just made logical deductions from what he witnessed inside (reported that a person was down and that they were probably killed by the boy, then it turns out he is doing all that for his sister’s surgery, then it turns out that gun is not real (after causing a distraction) and nobody is actually injured, but then he gets his hand on a real gun (Hoshino’s) and points it their direction in a panic, and Daisuke notices Haru cannot shoot the boy, so he deducts that if the boy knows that his sister will be safe, he will calm down and the situation will be completely de-escalated, so he steps forward and states he will pay for it (he does not really care about spending money as we all know lol) and stands with confidence because he knows flinching or getting nervous – or even blinking – would make it look like a lie and he would definitely NOT want that). Does this make sense? Like, Daisuke is such a calm and collected person, I doubt he would just absolutely BLINDLY jump into something because of someone else’s judgement BEFORE making sure that their judgement is correct by his own observation of the situation, which would be why he stayed behind Haru and just observed until a certain point where he was absolutely certain that it would be safe to do so.

Though what that DOES mean though would be that Daisuke would probably trust Haru’s judgement without being too skeptical about it soon. (I feel like this might’ve been that part in the Episode 3 Hong Kong PV 3 where a person (looks A LOT like Daisuke, so I’ll just assume it was him) was cuffed and Haru comes to the rescue. It might’ve been that Haru judged that person who ended up doing this to Daisuke to be shady, but Daisuke went ahead anyway and got himself in trouble, which was why he ended up cuffed to something, or something of that sort that would show Daisuke Haru’s judgement can be trusted.) [Edit: I used this simply as a theorizing example of how this could be done in another way with a scene that actually DOES exist (though we won’t be seeing that in the anime anymore it is still canon material) instead of having to make something up, and Hong Kong was just a good example to further show my point.]

Extra: I've seen a post where someone wondered whether Daisuke's and Haru's pasts are somehow connected.

In short: Yes, I think so.

In long: (This theory might be a far reach hahah)

The first time we see Haru enter the office of his division, he is carrying files.

'Unsolved Case Files 1998,' it specifically reads. We know Daisuke's parents have died and he says “it was in Japan” when that one day turned his life around (though we do not have any indication of year yet). I assume they were killed (and that it wasn’t an accident at all) and it is the true reason why he came back to Japan (even though yeeeaaars later bc he needed to be trained)

and why he specifically asked to be in the MCPTF BECAUSE Haru is in it (I’ll explain why soon), instead of the First or Second Division - as the superintendent general had suggested for him to be put into, which resulted in Daisuke declining the offer.

But we don't know much about Haru's family. Actually, NOTHING AT ALL. Now, I think that his parents are dead as well, and that their deaths are connected to Daisuke's parents' deaths. The fact that Haru looks through cold cases (or well, at least old cases), which is only briefly shown by showing the files he carried in the first episode, most likely is meant to be some "foreshadowing/hidden info given” kind of thing. Haru is possibly investigating his parents' (or at least a loved one's) death. His parents' death (if none of his parents were police officers themselves and therefore influenced him in that way) is possibly also the reason Haru became a police officer in the first place (even though he tells Daisuke that it is simply to "nab criminals," maybe specifically the criminals who have to do with that?).

Now, I said before that Daisuke asked to be in the same Division as Haru, not the MCPTF (though he names the division, not Haru’s name but you'll know why I'm saying that by the end of this. I don’t think he has immense interest in the division itself but WHO is IN IT). In the second episode, we get to know that Daisuke has a lot of information about Haru. During the case of Isezaki, we get to know during the interrogation that Daisuke obtains information about a person by having HEUSC scan a person's documentation item

or simply by asking HEUSC. 

We never see him doing that with Haru though (I also seriously doubt Haru would hand him any kind of ID, especially in the beginning lol), which brings me to the point that Daisuke probably already had obtained all of Haru's information before he had arrived in Japan; or maybe at the latest after the Bridge incident though I am pretty certain it was BEFORE arriving in Japan, just that maybe he didn’t know the face? Or maybe he even knew the face but didn’t care. (He probably knew more than just about the trauma and why Haru left the First Division, but Haru did not let him speak any further in that scene. It is unclear though, whether Daisuke would've kept talking or that being all of the information he would have delivered in that moment.)

Because Daisuke might already know from the start that their pasts are connected, while Haru is oblivious to it.

So, Daisuke wants to solve the murder of his parents, and he might think that the key to solving it might be by being around someone/doing it with someone who is also connected to it.

(I have no clue whether I am still making sense bc I haven’t slept and worked on this all night, going through the episodes again and again and at this point I am just extremely tired lol)

Like, I know by the fact that we are only 3 Episodes in that this might sound like a far reach BUT I seriously would not be surprised by this. The thing about storytelling is that at one point you would need to introduce the Motive™ of the story. Since animes have very limited time to tell the story in only 20 minutes, at least ALMOST everything in an episode sooner or later needs to give us that information; and honestly? They could’ve started this anime in ANY other way, but they chose to start by Daisuke telling us about his parents. And I honestly just think that it would be odd if that is not of greater importance in the whole story, so I think that that might be the motive that should be revealed within the first half of the anime. The devs seem like the kind of people who would give small hints for something like this (Daisuke’s parents, the 1998 Files) throughout the entire show and then SLAP it into the face of the ones who are unsuspecting in the second half of the anime, ESPECIALLY since they are so secretive with everything lmao I love them.

I am going to bed now, I’m so fucking tired lol

August 3, 2020

[4dtk]

3. Are you a virgin?

7. Can you commit to one person?

11. Do you ever want to get married?

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

56. State 8 facts about your body

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

83. Who was your first kiss with?

3. are you a virgin?

sadly i am. heartbreak. i only know about all these things bc i’m so curious and i read smut like it’s my full time job.

7. can you commit to one person?

if i’m super in love and appreciate that person then yes, i think so. had an ex of like a year and i was literally smitten with him i never talked to any other guy lol. if we’re talking about the talking stage or flirting stage tho... i don’t think so. unless i know i’m gonna keep you in my life for a good amount of time, it’s likely i’ll entertain other people who wanna talk to me. i get bored easily, sorry #sagthingz

11. do you ever want to get married?

ooh another hard question. in a way, i guess. but marriage will probably just have my parents asking for kids and i do NOT wanna have kids. they’re tempting sometimes (bro. i literally have a breeding/creampie kink. i swear to fucking god.) but idk. going back to marriage, i kinda like it i guess, but i don’t want to be tied down that much. it’s hard to explain — commitment is scary for me.

21. do you think someone has feelings for you?

i wish lol, but i don’t think so. i keep getting tarot readings on my fyp but no one’s come up to talk to me or anything sooooo we’ll see. if anything happens, i’ll def update you guys. i’ve been manifesting a sugar daddy tho, let’s see how that goes 😀

85. would you ever date someone off of the internet?

i have, like thrice. dated a girl, wasn't that serious though, had feelings for a while and it died off like a few months later because we were too busy to talk to each other. it’s hard, especially since i met them through fandom (v*ltron. DON’T COME AT MEEEE i liked it a lot at the time) and once the show ended, we lost interest and in a way with each other. that was the third one, the first “gf” was just me being delusional bc i was desperate for an r/s. i did have feelings, but i think it was more like excitement of being able to call people pet names and shit.

now, wanna hear about the second one? it was going fine. we talked, we talked, like over video and stuff because we were in different countries and i was honestly getting attached and one day she decides to message me about how i’m making her feel guilty for not being able to do anything. about what? i used to say ‘i want to die’ quite a bit before. i know it’s not a healthy coping mechanism, but i picked it up from the internet pretty young. i just wished she just brought it up instead of sending me a long ass paragraph and then blocking me LMFAO. i was pissed. i understand that that phrase might be kinda negative, and if you want me to stop saying it i’ll genuinely stop, because it won’t be good for my brain too. (learnt this late, now i’m trying to be more positive and say those instead of ‘i wanna die’) oh well whatever. her friend had to text me and say it was a misunderstanding but i just told her if she wants to talk to me she should just tell me herself. blocked the whole lot of them! 🥱

38. have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

i think so. i’m not sure, tbh. maybe it was because i liked the way he talked and stuff, plus he played basketball lol. it’s a new change to always knowing guys that only play soccer. and he was a good friend to me for a good amount of time.

42. how long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

baby, i’ve been touched-starved for as long as i can remember. i don’t think it’ll take very long before i eventually cave.

44. how many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

just those three plus the ex that i mentioned, i think. i had like this one guy i was interested in (before any of them came into the picture), but his hand-holding game during the movie was so bad i blocked him. i felt bad but the deed had already been done. plus i was 13 i didn’t even fucking know what i was doing.

56. state 8 facts about your body

i have a birthmark on my right forearm. i have like something similar to stretch marks? i’m not entirely sure but they’re mostly on my thighs. i am super fucking hairy, i hate it. i think i have nice fingers, people said i could be a hand model lol. i have tattoos(???). i can’t get tanned, i just get sunburnt. i’m left-handed (is that counted...). i have sensitive skin, i can’t use necklaces for long.

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

talk to me about things i like and i’ll also do it for you, like people are so hot when they show interest in what i like. SEND ME SONGS!!! even if we aren’t romantically involved i love to hear about new songs. write me little letters. doesn’t have to be long, but you bet i’ll keep that shit bc i’ll reread it fifty times over. be nice, kind. if you’re mean to homophobes, racists and anti-maskers and people like that, i will support you. lol be mean all you want, but if you talk rudely to people in retail or customer service or is just a straight-up bully that’s an instant turn off. lastly, i guess pay attention. i’m not a person to voice out my needs and problems and i’ll eventually have to, but for the more minute things i’ll probably just keep my mouth shut. if you ask me “d’ya wanna say something? you good?” i’ll probably kiss you on the spot.

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

for me, i think it’s a great opportunity to be in tune with your sexuality and have some comfort/acceptance/appreciation with your body. i think it’s also important that both parties (or more) have fun and are comfortable in the bedroom and ofc, consensual! it can honestly range from just like pure fucking to like making love, but as long as they are enjoying themselves!

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

bestie i’m a virgin. okay but hypothetically, making out just does it for me. just straddling the other and feeling the other one up. with the stupid red lights and playlist on speakers, it sounds immaculate right now. if we’re talking about something more sexual, i would say dry humping, the slow ones where you’re super playful and teasing and just relishing in the other’s presence b4 the actual deed.

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

idk why, and this is kinda... not very good, but i look a lot at your fashion. if you can’t give a shit to dress up in a decent way??? you know when you’re going to the city or whatever, idk, then hhhhhhmmmm. i know it’s mean, but i look at people’s clothes a lot, not in a “oh you can’t afford it kind of way”, but then again, if that’s all they can afford, then who am i to judge? i know. i feel like i only feel this way because the country i am in is general pretty expensive and so when i look at one person’s outfit who puts effort in choosing accessories to another person who just wears shorts and flip-flops like 😭 i’m sorry i know it can’t be helped bc they might be comfortable in that just... i digress.

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

i m-worded in a public bus before. it was overseas 😭 and no it didn’t have cameras and yes it was empty. me and my parents were on our way back and i just had the randomest fucking urge (i started at like... a young age), so i went to the back on the bus and just had to rub one out so uhm. 👍🏼

83. Who was your first kiss with?

NO ONE i am so sad. someone come kiss me right fucking now

[ninastarkov]

Ahsoka and the clones:

Rex and Ahsoka edition

Part 2

Hey guys! This is the third post in a series about Ahsoka’s relationship with the clones (here’s the one on ahsoka and the clones, minus Rex and ahsoka). I talk about what we know in canon/what’s reasonably predicted off that, what the fandom has decided, and my own takes.

It might make more sense to read my part 1 post before this one, for an analysis of their friendship in the movie through season 3! On this one I’ll go through seasons 4, 5 and 7, though obviously season 7 will have the most. Anyway, here we go!

Referencing my last post, I see them as going from mentor-student to friends and equals to family. I’ve established them as equals by the end of season 3–Ahsoka has grown a lot from that snippy 14 year old padawan, and Rex has grown to trust her. By the end of season 7 I see them as found family (i’m sorry found family is just. my favorite.)

Season 4

Ok, Ahsoka and Rex pretty much don’t interact AT ALL in season 4. But...umbara. Though Ahsoka isn’t actually present for umbara, her (and anakin’s) influence on the 501st, and the contrast between them and krell, is clear to see. I think his relationship with Anakin has just as much of an impact with what happened on umbara, but since this post is about Rex and ahsoka i’m not going to focus on Anakin.

Also WOW umbara is long but I like the points I made so get ready:

Rex has spent the whole war under Anakin, and most of it under Ahsoka. Anakin can get angry and Ahsoka can be immature especially early on and they’re both headstrong idiots sometimes, but they’re good people who care deeply for their troops. Krell is everything Anakin and Ahsoka are not. The relationship that Rex has with them is part of what makes it so hard for him to go against Krell (the other, probably bigger part being his conditioning into seeing Jedi as authority figures to always follow). Ahsoka has shown that she’s willing to die for them, with the geonosis mission, and that she mourns their deaths, with ryloth. And while not explicitly shown in canon, most of us agree that she tries to connect with her troops. Krell shares none of these traits that Rex has gotten used to seeing in his Jedi. Rex believes that the Jedi are good, and trusts them to make hard decisions to get to victory. Krell breaks this trust, and I have to think that this would have long-term consequences on his relationships with Jedi in general, and Anakin and ahsoka specifically. We aren’t shown the aftermath of umbara in the show (which is one of my biggest complaints but,, off topic), but we can’t expect such a fundamental break in trust to not have its effect on all of the 501st and their Jedi. I would say that Ahsoka probably had to build up a lot of trust (that had previously existed between them) with Rex again after umbara. And since their relationship in the show doesn’t seem to change much afterward, I could guess that Ahsoka spent a lot of time trying to help Rex and the 501st cope and trust their Jedi again (also, I’ve read some fics about ahsoka helping the troopers through the aftermath of umbara and now I believe that had to have happened for their relationship to return to what it was before).

So, at least in my opinion, after umbara Rex is less likely to place complete trust in ahsoka (though he probably hates that he can’t). Also, remember me talking about them being equals by now? Yeah, another thing Krell breaks. Ahsoka sees Rex as an equal, though technically she outranks him. She looks past the rank and sees the person (the person with more experience than her). Krell is, again, the opposite. He literally sees clones as fundamentally inferior to himself, and that dehumanization that Rex faced had to have had an effect on his own self-worth. Being constantly degraded by a figure that Rex thinks he’s supposed to see as an authority to follow, probably means that afterward his own sense of self-worth would have gone down significantly—nevermind the guilt he feels over waiting to take action against Krell. So, though Ahsoka still sees Rex as an equal, it’s complicated for Rex. For one, he’s lost trust in the Jedi, so the respect towards ahsoka purely because of her Jedi status is diminished. On the other hand, I think his opinion of himself has gone down. It’s a complicated dynamic, now. However, by this point in the war, I really think that Rex and ahsoka see each other as family (I see Ahsoka’s family including Rex and some of the older 501st like Jesse and Kix and anyone can Fight Me On This but ANYWAY). As fellow soldiers or even friends, I think the trust between them would have been permanently damaged. But as family, Rex knows ahsoka, knows that even though he’s lost some faith in the Jedi, she will never be like Krell, or even other Jedi like Quinlan Vos who aren’t literally evil but aren’t good towards the clones either. And on Ahsoka’s side, she’s going to do anything she can to help her family through the aftermath of umbara, even as a Jedi.

I think most of the aftermath is resolved between umbara and Onderon, but zygerria was. there. Rex and obi wan were slaves for an unknown amount of time. This part hurts, but I would guess that in Rex’s time there he was forced to confront some hard truths about the role of the clones in the war. They’re all proud to fight for the republic, but that doesn’t change the fact that they don’t have a choice. I think this also sets the stage for that big conversation between Rex and ahsoka after maul is captured in season 7 (“we clones have mixed feelings about the war”), where they discuss their own feelings about the war and how it’s affected them. (Also I know that most of what I just said is about Rex and not really ahsoka, but his changing viewpoints are really important in their dynamic).

Season 5

By Onderon, I think Rex and Ahsoka’s relationship is mostly back to normal (equals), and any trust lost has been repaired (not counting Rex’s permanent disillusionment(?) with the Jedi). It’s literally only them plus Anakin and obi wan oh the mission, and it seems like they’re having a good time (as much as you can in a war zone). I point out Onderon because it’s the last time they’re together before the Wrong Jedi arc.

And now...the wrong Jedi. Hearing that Ahsoka killed clones during her escape HAD to have shaken Rex. A lot. There was definitely a moment where he thought back to umbara and Krell. But Rex also chased ahsoka outside the prison, and saw that she did nothing to harm the people coming after her—in fact, went out of her way to avoid it. I think Rex was definitely struggling with himself here—his experiences with Krell would have him believe that ahsoka is capable of this, but his bond with her would have him think the opposite. Overall, in my opinion there was a moment when Rex believed it to be true (due to umbara), but I think he would have rejected the idea relatively quickly because he knows ahsoka (they’re FAMILY and she wouldn’t hurt his brothers!).

Then ahsoka is cleared but leaves the Jedi. Leaves the 501st. I don’t think that she talks to Rex or any Jedi after she leaves the temple, which means she’s out of contact for months. Rex gets a second hand account of what happened through Anakin, and knowing anakin’s anger and pain over the situation, I can’t imagine he wanted to talk about it much. So Rex probably gets told that ahsoka was cleared but isn’t coming back. (Honestly I really don’t know how this would go down but i’m leaning towards an angry Anakin giving as little explanation as possible because he doesn’t want to talk about it). Add this to what I talked about in my first post on ahsoka and the clones, how maul gleans from Jesse that the Jedi abandoned her—meaning this was Jesse’s view of what happened—this probably means that her family in the 501st blamed the council for abandoning her and didn’t blame her for leaving. This also fits with the welcome she recieves in season 7. So even though Ahsoka left, Rex still holds the same respect for her (or more, even), and still considers her family. And even though ahsoka felt she had to leave the Jedi, I doubt she ever blamed the troopers for coming after her, so she still sees Rex as family.

Season 7

Skipped season six since...no ahsoka, obviously. Just keep in mind Fives’ arc (😭😭). Also, Anakin changes. He’s still a good person, a good general, but i’m assuming Rex notices he’s more angry and a little more distant than before. They all miss their favorite padawan commander :((

NOW, Old Friends Not Forgotten:

the LOOK on Ahsoka’s face when she sees all the troopers with their helmets painted...*single tear*. Rex looks so happy to see her, and of course ahsoka is glad to see him too, but there’s clearly a large part of her that’s shocked she’s getting such a warm welcome. I think she was worried that the Rex and the troopers would think she abandoned them (and a part of herself thinks that as well). But obviously, Rex doesn’t feel that way (“you don’t have to call me commander anymore” “ok, commander”). And the helmet paint!! You can tell Rex is worried she won’t like it bc he says something like “oh the paint job is a bit messy but we hope we got the point across.” But of course ahsoka understands they’re trying to honor her, and is grateful. AND! Armor painting is such an important way for all the clones to show their individuality, and they gave that up for her (even if Rex and Jesse went back to their original paint). And back to that little moment where he calls her commander—ahsoka says “you don’t have to call me commander anymore.” I think this was her guilt at leaving showing itself, and hints to us that she thinks she’s not worthy of that title. This may be more of a stretch, but she didn’t say “i’m not a commander anymore,” she said “you don’t have to call me commander anymore.” Maybe there’s some larger guilt about her role in a republic that doesn’t care for the ones that fight and die for it. Also a stretch but I think this alludes to the fact that they see each other as equals—though technically ahsoka was a commander and Rex a captain, they were a team. Now that Ahsoka’s no longer part of the GAR, Rex doesn’t have to call her commander, doesn’t have to keep to the strict rules of authority. Instead he can have her back as a friend, as family. And when Rex calls her commander anyway, it shows his continued respect for her, not because he has to respect her as a superior and Jedi, but because she’s earned his respect through her actions.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY, Rex smiles more in this one episode than probably the entire rest of the show combined?!? We get the small happy moments, when Ahsoka doesn’t need a jetpack and races Rex to the ground (and he LAUGHS—i’m pretty sure that the only time Rex has actually laughed was in the movie in response to ahsoka, and in that ep). And once they reach mandalore, “some things never change”—they’ve returned immediately to their old dynamic. Honestly I think that one line sums up a lot of their relationship in season 7 and afterward, all the way to rebels. They may spend a lot of time apart (15 YEARS WHY), but they will always be family—that will never change.

This part is based on a picture from the ep I saw once, never to be found again (and I tried looking through the old friends ep but I can’t find the shot where you can see this), but i’m pretty sure there’s one moment in one of the episodes where you can see tally marks on Ahsoka’s bracers. She HAD to have picked that up from Rex, idk I just thought it was a nice thing to point out (unless I’m remembering the image wrong lol in that case ignore this paragraph).

Next, after Ahsoka meets with the council and doesn’t tell them about what Maul said about Anakin. Rex calls her out on it, and she doesn’t give a reason why she didn’t, but we can all guess. Anakin is probably the person she is closest to, and is the reason that she didn’t believe Maul’s claims. She probably didn’t want to tell anyone about what Maul said, because she would never believe Anakin would fall (😭). But she told Rex. This is a HUGE example of how much she trusts him, because she trusted him with this terrible information about her closest family. The only other person she had planned to talk to was Anakin, obviously. Yes, part of the reason why she didn’t tell the council was because she knew they could be...less than sensible...at times when they suspected a Jedi of using the dark side, like with her farce of a trial. (Sidenote, when Mace calls ahsoka “citizen” and Rex makes a face lol). I just. This is probably one of my favorite moments with them of the whole show? The amount of trust Ahsoka has to have in Rex to tell him that Anakin is being groomed to be a Sith Lord. I want to connect this back to all those years ago on Maridun(?) with aayla and Bly, when she trusts Rex to stay behind with injured Anakin while she goes with everyone else to find help. Ahsoka has trusted Rex with Anakin from basically the beginning, and such a long time of trust is necessary for her to tell him about Maul’s words.

Ok, now we have what you’ve been dreading waiting for...Shattered. Right before the Horrible Moment, Ahsoka gets a sort-of vision about what’s up in coruscant with Anakin and palpatine—and her immediate reaction is to run to Rex to tell him about it. Again, TRUST. There’s not even a second thought about whether to tell him or not, showing that Rex is the one person she feels she can always confide in. Of course, she doesn’t get to tell him.

First off, there were two things that saved ahsoka. One was her bond with Rex, that bought her time to react, which is what I’ll talk about. The other was Rex’s knowledge of what happened to fives and the chips. I’m not going to discuss that much in this post but just disclaimer that I view that as just as important in her survival (I think @gffa made a post on these two things which I wholly agree with and i’m sorry if i’m wrong and it was someone else that made that post!!)

Anyway. After the original Wrinkly Old Man tells Rex to execute the order, Rex is able to fight it for long enough to buy Ahsoka time to prepare, and give her the information that will save both of their lives (“Find him...Fives!”). You can see that he’s fighting so hard against the order, though in the end it wins out. He turns to face Ahsoka and he’s CRYING!!! I don’t have much analysis here because what happens in the show really says it all—ahsoka is his family, he doesn’t want to kill her. But once the chip takes over, Rex is gone.

On Ahsoka’s end, of course she knows something’s up. She knows Rex would never try to kill her, even if he was ordered to. That one line she says to Maul when she sets him free says everything about how lost she is (the clones turned against me. Even Rex.”). The latter statement isn’t meant for maul, since of course he doesn’t know much about Rex or their friendship (besides what he may have gotten from Jesse). This is all ahsoka trying to figure out what the hell was happening—because she could believe the clones turned against her, maybe. After her trial, after Brain Invaders, it’s probably easier to. But even Rex. Going back to what I said about the wrong Jedi arc, I think that Rex believed ahsoka to be innocent. Even in that arc, Rex was on her side. But this time, he wasn’t.

And then ahsoka finds out about fives and the chips. The holo of her that one of the droids plays to Rex before they knock him out makes me so sad. Ahsoka had to know that the Rex that was under the order wouldn’t listen to what she was saying in the holo, so i’m thinking that (besides a distraction) her words were meant for Rex to remember after the removed his chip—one more reassurance that it wasn’t his fault.

And here’s my thoughts on the chanting “I am one with the force and the force is with me,” as they try to find the chip in Rex’s head. Ahsoka had to have created some kind of connection between them for him to be saying these words with her—while unconscious AND still under the order. I know next to nothing about force bonds and the technical stuff, but it seems that a likely explanation for the chanting together is that some kind of connection was created between them in the force. Into the world of wild speculation, this could mean that Rex is more force sensitive than the average guy? Even if it was a temporary connection, it would make sense that Rex would have to feel the force somehow in order to connect with ahsoka to say the mantra. (Not sure I actually believe this but...putting it out there)

Once his chip gets removed and Ahsoka asks if he’s okay, Rex calls her “kid” again. I point this out because it’s definitely been a while since he’s called her anything but commander—probably out of a place of respect. But his first instinct after the chip is out is to call her “kid.” This was partially for reassurance that he’s back, because a Rex still affected by the chip wouldn’t call her kid. I also want to say though, that his first instinct is to call her kid, not commander, because he sees her as family first. And then when he has to tell her that every single clone is chipped, he calls her ahsoka (I think for the first time ever??). They’re far, far beyond their normal roles as captain and commander, and this reflects that. I also wonder if Rex realizes that ahsoka would hate to be called commander right now, after being forced to hurt the troops she has always tried to protect.

Aaaaand then they try to escape only to find the hangar filled with all the troopers, Jesse leading them. Ouch. Rex cries AGAIN (can any of us handle it? no.). He tells ahsoka that all of the clones, his brothers, only care about killing them—they don’t care if they die trying. Rex sounds so angry in this moment and for a second ahsoka looks surprised, but then she realizes how Rex is feeling and they have a Sad Moment when she takes his helmet off. There’s a moment when he visibly deflates as ahsoka seems to realize what he’s really feeling. And yeah, he turns away once his helmet is off, but he let her take his helmet off and see him cry. I feel like Rex has always been the person that’s strong for others, and doesn’t like to show his own vulnerability. Throughout the show he’s always been a steadying presence for others, whether it’s with ahsoka or fives or someone else. Even on umbara, he doesn’t let himself fall apart. But he lets ahsoka see that here. In his relationships with others, Rex almost always has to be the authority, the one who keeps calm in the face of everything. But with him and ahsoka, they can be equals—they can show their uncertainty and sadness. The only other person we see Rex really be honest with like this is Cody, in the bad batch arc when Rex talks about how he’s watched so many brothers die, and Cody says “it’s hard being the one that survives.” Cody and Ahsoka are the only people that have seen this side of Rex, because he trusts them more than anyone, and feels he doesn’t always have to be strong in front of them.

Then ahsoka says “you’re a good soldier, Rex.” I can’t NOT connect this to “good soldiers follow orders,” and Fives’ death. I don’t think ahsoka knows all about the “good soldiers follow orders,” but she knows Rex. She knows that Rex has always tried to be the good soldier, has been taught that following orders is everything, but has also grown so much over the course of the war (from meeting Cut to going through umbara to watching fives die). He’s grown into a person that realizes sometimes he has to make his own decisions, even if that doesn’t fit with the orders he’s been given. She gives him the reassurance that, despite everything, he’s still the person that he wants to be. Ahsoka sees through the anger he puts up, because of course he doesn’t want to kill his brothers, but it isn’t them anymore and what else are they supposed to do?

Once they are forced to fight the rest of the troopers in the hangar, it’s obvious that ahsoka and Rex work well together. Not much to say specifically, but the teamwork? the coordination? we love to see it (but also hate to see it bc o u c h).

Now we get back to trust (it always comes back to trust). Once they find the y-wing to escape on, Rex tells ahsoka to “get me over there” and just. Runs and jumps into thin air? Of course ahsoka gives him a boost with the force and he gets on the y-wing, but we know that Rex doesn’t like heights. It’s been a running joke through the show for other people to throw Rex in the air (geonosis? bad batch MULTIPLE TIMES lol), but it’s always without him asking and he Does Not Appreciate. This time he TELLS ahsoka to throw him over there and doesn’t even hesitate to jump. If Ahsoka hadn’t caught him he would have fallen to his death, and yet he trusts her so much that he does it anyway. He doesn’t even wait for a response from her after he tells her to throw him over there! Now, I don’t know if Rex is actually scared of heights or not, but if he is then this shows even more trust between them. He trusts her with his life completely, and probably vice versa.

And now we get to the end. Ahsoka and Rex buried all of the troopers they could find, because they’re family and it wasn’t their fault and they deserved better and agshdkjskjdh. At this point, they don’t know what’s happened in the rest of the galaxy, but Ahsoka’s felt the death in the force and they probably fear the worst. They are the only family they have left. We end with them about to get on the y wing and probably go to figure out what’s happened. Ahsoka stands at the graves and Rex sees her from beside the ship. There are no words, but they are united by the family they’ve lost.

Personally I find it really hard to believe they would have separated right after that, and i’m not sure what’s canon anymore with the ahsoka novel and when it starts, but whatever. Fitting (ish) with the ahsoka novel, they eventually realized that it wasn’t safe for either of them to stay together and had to say goodbye. I like a headcanon by someone on here (just lmk who you are and I’ll tag!!) about how ahsoka and Rex eventually find Wolffe and Gregor, but wolffe is badly affected by Ahsoka’s presence and so she makes the decision to leave. No matter what actually happened though, they stayed family, even apart. When they meet again in Rebels it’s so sweet!! They’ve both come so far from who they were at the start of the Clone Wars. In the beginning, Ahsoka saw Rex as a sort of mentor and quickly gained a lot of respect for him. Rex, in turn, was at first unsure about ahsoka but changed his mind fast. Ahsoka grows into the best Commander she can be by the end of season 3, and by this point they each see each other as equals. Though Ahsoka is commander and Rex captain, she respects his experience and cares about him as a friend, and maybe even family. By seasons 4 and 5 they see each other as family, after Ahsoka was there in the aftermath of umbara and Rex trusted her in the wrong Jedi. Even though ahsoka left, she never blamed the troopers for what she went through. And when she returns in season 7 she sees all of her family again, just for a moment, until it all comes crashing down and she and Rex are all each other has left. Over the three years of the war, Ahsoka and Rex was one of the friendships that wasn’t broken by betrayal or breach in trust. They had each other’s backs and grew to trust each other with their lives, and that didn’t change even after the war ended.

WOW that was long—I got carried away and went a lot into their individual characterization as well. Sorry if the conclusion was a bit dramatic, I wanted to wrap it up meaningfully. Let me know what you like and agree/disagree with, and hope you found this interesting!

[dillydedalus]

april reading

oh yeah this is a thing. anyway in april i read about uhhh.... first contact (twice), murderers on skis & victorian church politics

the yield, tara june winch a novel about indigenous australian identity and history (now and throughout the 20th century) in three narrative strands. imo the narrative strand that consists of a grandfather writing a dictionary of his language (wiradjuri) in order to prove a claim to some land is by far the strongest, but overall i liked this quite a lot. 3/5

land of big numbers, te-ping chen a solid short story collection focused on modern china and young(ish) chinese people, both in china and the diaspora. i particularly liked the stories that had some slighty surreal or speculative elements, such as one about fruit that strongly evoke emotions when eaten and a group of people stuck in a train station for months as the train is delayed, which imo use their speculative aspects in effective (if not super subtle) ways to talk about society. 3/5

the pear field, nana ekvtimishvili (tr. from georgian by elizabeth heighway) international booker prize longlist! a short, fairly depressing read about a 18-year-old girl at a post-soviet school for developmentally disabled childred (but also orphans, abandoned children & other random kids) who is trying to get a younger boy adopted by an american couple. there seem to be a lot of novels set at post-soviet orphanages etc & imo this is a well-executed example of the microgenre, with the pear field full of pears that are never picked bc they don’t taste right as a strong central image. 3/5

the warden, anthony trollope (chronicles of barsetshire #1) ah yes, a 6-part victorian series about church politics in an english town, exactly the kind of thing i’m interested in. not sure why i committed to at least the first two entries of the series but here we are. despite this lack of interest (and disagreement with most of the politics on display here) i found this quite charming; trollope has a gift for an amusing turn of phrase & making fun of his characters in benevolent ways. 3/5

the lesson, cadwell turnbull first contact scifi novel set on the virgin islands, where an alien ship arrives one day. the aliens seem benevolent & share helpful technology, but also react with extreme violence to any aggression. they claim to be on earth to study.... something, but it’s never entirely clear what. the book makes some interesting choices (like immediately skipping over the actual first contact to a few years in the future, when the aliens are already established on the islands) but i thought much of it was kinda disjointed and confusing. 2/5

the heart is a lonely hunter, carson mccullers look, i get it, it’s all about the isolation & alienation (& dare i say loneliness) of 4 miserable characters projecting their issues on the central character singer, who is kind and patient and also deaf and mute, thus making him the perfect receptacle for their issues without really having to connect with him as a person and how that isolation hinders them socially, artistically, emotionally, politically, but like... i didn’t really like it. i didn’t hate it but i just felt very meh about it all. 2.5/5

acht tage im mai: die letzte woche des dritten reiches, volker ulrich fascinating history book about the last week(ish) of the third reich, starting with the day of hitler’s suicide and ending with the total surrender (but with plenty of flashbacks and forwards), and looking at military&political leadership (german and allied) as well as prisoners of war, forced laborers, concentration camp prisoners, and everyone else. very interesting look at what kästner described as the “gap between the not-anymore and the not-yet.” 3.5/5

firekeeper’s daughter, angeline boulley) i’ve been mostly off the YA train for the last few years, but this was a really good example of contemporary YA with a focus on ~social issues. ANYWAY. this is YA crime novel about daunis, a mixed-race unenrolled ojibwe girl close to finishing high school who is struggling with family problems, university plans, and feeling caught between her white and her native familiy when her best friend is shot in front of her and she decides to become a CI for an fbi investigation into meth production in the community. i really appreciated how hard this went both with the broader social issues (racism, addiction) and daunis’ personal struggles. there are a few bits that felt a bit didactic & on the nose (and the romance... oh well), but overall the themes of community, family, and the value of living indigenous culture are really well done & i teared up several times. 4/5

the magic toyshop, angela carter i love carter’s short stories but struggle with (while still liking) her novels so far. this one, a tale of melanie, suddenly orphaned after trying on her mother’s wedding dress in the garden, coming of age and awakening to womanhood or whatever. carter’s really into that. it’s well-written, sensual as carter always is, and the family melanie and her siblings are sent to, her tyrannical puppet-maker uncle, his mute wife and the wife’s two brothers, both fascinating and offputting (& dirty) make for an interesting cast of characters, but overall i just wish i was reading the bloody chamber again. 3/5

barchester towers, anthony trollope (chronicles of barsetshire #2) (audio) lol tbh i still don’t know why i am committing to this series about, again, church politics in 19th century rural england, but it’s just so chill & warm & funny (we love gently or not so gently - but always politely - mocking our characters) that i’m enjoying it as a nice little trip where people do some #crazyschemes to gain church positions or fight over whether there should be songs in church or whatever it is people in the 19th century fought about. it’s very relaxing. there also is a lot of love quadrangleyness going on and that’s also fun. trollope has weird ideas about women but like whatever, i for one wish mrs proudie much joy of her position as defacto bishop of barchester, she really girlbossed her way to the top. 3.5/5

semiosis, sue burke (semiosis #1) i love spinning the wheel on the “first contact with X weird alien species” & i guess this time we landed on plants! plant intelligence is interesting and the idea of plant warfare is really cool. i do like the structure, with different generations of human settlers on the planet pax providing a long-term view but this allows the author to skip over a lot of the development of the relationship between the settlers and the plant and locating the plot elsewhere, which i think is ultimately a mistake. i might continue w/ the series tho, depending on library availability. 2.5/5

one by one, ruth ware a bunch of start-up people go on a corporate retreat to a ski chalet in the alps, avalanche warning goes up, one of them disappears, presumably on a black piste, the rest get snowed in & completely cut off when the avalanche hits and then they get picked off *title drop* (altho really not that many of them). nice fluff when i had a miserable cold (not covid) but fails when it tries to go for deeper themes... like an attempt to address classism and entitlement sure... was made. also like what kind of luxury skiing chalet does not have emergency communication devices in case internet/phone lines are down...  i’d have sued just for that. 2/5

fake accounts, lauren oyler the microgenre of ‘alienated intellectual(ish) probably anglophone person has some sort of crisis, goes to berlin about it’ is my ultimate literary weakness - i almost never really like them, they mostly irritate me & yet i can never resist their siren call. this one is p strong on the irritation, altho at least the narrator does not ascribe much meaning to her decision to go to berlin after she a) discovers her boyf is an online conspiracy theorist (probably not sincerely) and b) gets a call that said boyf has died, it’s really just something to do to avoid doing anything else. but other than that it’s so BerlinExpat by the numbers, like she lives in kreuzkölln! put her somewhere else at least! there is one scene that elevates the BerlinExpat-ness of it all (narrator asks expatfriend for advice on visa applications, expatfriend assures her that it’s really easy for americans to get visa, adds “especially now” while literally, as the narrator remarks, gesturing at the falafel she’s eating) other than that, the novel is.... fine. it’s smart, but not really as smart as it thinks it is, which is a problem bc it thinks it’s just sooo incisive. whatever. 2/5

the tenant of wildfell hall, anne bronte this is reductive but: jane eyre: i could fix him // wuthering heights: i could make him worse // wildfell hall: lmao i’m gonna leave his ass anyway i enjoyed the part that is actually narrated by the titular tenant of wildfell hall, helen (which thankfully, i think, is most of it) because the perspective of a woman who runs away from her abusive alcoholic of a husband is genuinely interesting and engaging, while gilbert, the frame story narrator who falls in love with helen, is.... the worst. i mean he’s not the worst bc the abusive husband arthur is there and hard to beat in terms of worseness, but he’s pretty fucking bad. imagine if helen had found out that gilbert attacked her secret brother over a misunderstanding, severely injured him & LEFT HIM TO DIE & then (when dude survived & the misunderstanding got cleared up) apologised like well i guess i didn’t treat you quite right! she’d have to run away from her second husband as well! poor girl. 3/5

[ohtheseboysilove]

The greatess actress II [Ben Hardy x F!Reader]

sWords : 4, 000 K +

Warnings : mostly angst, fluff

Summary :  Things aren’t always as they seems.

Note : More angst for you guys, I know you all ask for it so here you go :) I’m really gmad for all the reviews and positive feedbacks I had for the first chapter so thank u so much ! I didn’t start writing chapter 3 yet but I have few ideas so if you guys have suggestions or theories I would love to heart hat !!! (i mostly replied to the messages in my inbox bc it’s easier to see them than the comments !!) Much love xx 

x Masterlist x

“And…action !”

You pretended to leave and Ben grabbed your wrist, tugging him against him rather roughly. You put a flat hand on his torso and looked at him with big, lost eyes.

“What—”

“Don’t say anything, baby” Then he crashed his lips on yours, sending a wave of electricity down your spine as you replied eagerly to the kiss.

The kiss was intense, slow and hot, during for what seemed like age. You weren’t really complaining. But it was the third time you did this scene because of the director who always wanted to add something and it started to be a bit much for you and your weak heart.

“And we got it ! Awesome guys !” The director jumped from his seat and went behind the camera looking at the screen with enthusiasm. “Everyone, take 5 !”

You sighed discretely and detached yourself from Ben, running a nervous finger through your hairs.

“Are you still coming tonight ?” You glanced toward the blond man, gaze falling right on his swollen lips, tempting and deliciously-looking red.

“Hum, probably ?” You scolded mentally yourself to stop looking at his mouth like a fucking creep and instead focus on his eyes.

Which maybe wasn’t better.

“Oh come on, it’s Randy’s last day ! He won’t forgive you if you don’t come” Ben winked and you chuckled awkwardly, ignoring the way the butterflies were going crazy in your belly.

“I guess you’re right” You smiled almost shyly, his bright and beautiful eyes were always making you kind of timid. “But I won’t stay long, we got an early scene tomorrow” You felt yourself become ridiculously red when he laughed loudly and threw an arm around your shoulders, squeezing you tightly against his strong body.

“You’re right and I’m pretty excited for tomorrow anyway”

You both walked to your trailers, next to each other, as the day was done and you couldn’t wait to go back into your own clothes.

“You are ?” You briefly remembered that the scene you had to do tomorrow was pretty romantic, lot of touchy-feely moments but nothing sexual, thanks god.

“Yeah, I mean…we’re filming at the beach so obviously breaks gonna be funnier than on set” He grinned and you silently swallowed back the disappointment bubbling in your chest.

“The beach, right” You forced a smile. Of course that was the reason why he was excited, idiot. He had a freaking girlfriend for god’s sake. “I will see you later, Ben” You waved awkwardly and climbed the few steps to your trailers before closing the door behind you, barely hearing his answer.

You let your body fall heavily on your bed, feeling exhausted and completely stupid.

It wasn’t the first time you had feelings for one of your co-star, honestly it was hard to stay hermetic when your job was to kiss a handsome and nice guy all day long. Once, you had to film for few weeks with Liam Hemsworth and god, the man was absolutely breathtaking. You had a tiny crush on him during the filming but nothing horrible, it didn’t make your job more complicated or anything. It was fairly innocent. You just enjoyed what a beautiful man he was but you stayed in control easily.

You also dated for two years with one of your previous co-stars, George Mackay but it was pretty obvious from the beginning that the both of you were into each other, which made everything easier.

You didn’t forget either when you had a tiny role in a big Hollywood move where you were only needed to literally make out with Leonardo DiCaprio. It was probably the first time you were so nervous to act, which was ridiculous because you barely spent more than two hours on set. But it was Leonardo freaking DiCaprio, your first crush had been Jack Dawson from Titanic so obviously it was huge for you.

No one probably remembered you from this movie but it was your little moment of pride. You made out with Leonardo freaking DiCaprio.

But nothing could compare to your feelings with Ben. You weren’t prepared at all for the wave of feelings which hit you strong in the face. Not at all.

When you first heard that you would be filming with Ben as co-star, you did some researches and found out it was the guy from the Bohemian Rhapsody movie, you were happy because he was an excellent actor in this film. And you couldn’t denied he was pretty attractive which could help as you were supposed to play lovers in this new project.

It started with an innocent crush, making your friends a bit jealous because you were kissing and holding hands with the new heart-robe of Hollywood. But it turned out to be much more when you started hanging out with him. He wasn’t only handsome. He was really funny, humble, generous, always making sure you were comfortable for any kind of intimate scene but he was also sensitive and not as confident as you thought first.

He was everything you could dream in a boyfriend.

You sighed loudly and rubbed your face roughly, heart beating heavily in your chest.

Why did you have to fall in love with an unavailable man ?

**

“We’re gonna miss you, big guy !” You watched Ben cheekily tussled Randy dirty red hairs, a large smile on his face.

“´f course you will ! But no need to go all emotional on me, Hardy. You’re still invited to my wedding in two months” Randy chuckled, his hand wrapped around a large pint of beer.

You giggled quietly as the two friends hugged again, both of them pretty tipsy after several drinks. Randy was playing one of Ben’s closest friend in the movie but he finished to do all of his scenes and he was now, sadly, leaving the set.

You took a little sip of your Margarita, only the second drinks of the evening for you as you hated being tired or hungover to film. Especially when you had to focus much more with your feelings for Ben, making your job much harder.

“Who is gonna kick my ass at FIFA now ?” The British man complained with a pout, making the whole table giggled.

“Literally everyone, Hardy” Joshua, one of the secondary actor of the movie spoke up, earning a round of applause from everyone.

You let your eyes trailed on Ben for few seconds. You couldn’t help but looked at him. He was so different out of the set, much more relax and you loved even more this part of him. His blond hairs were all over the place, slightly longer than before and it was certainly doing things to you. The way his eyes were sparkling due to the alcohol made your heart beat faster, this childish look was good on him, always wearing his boyish smile which made your knees weak.

And, surprisingly, Isis wasn’t here tonight. You felt like you could breath a little bit easier when she wasn’t around. You were so worried she found out you were in love with her boyfriend, it was scaring you more than everything.

“(Y/N) !” You jumped at Randy's voice and quickly tore your eyes from Ben’s jaw, pushing aside any thoughts.

“Yeah ?”

“I said do you want another drink ?” You nodded weakly and swallowed thickly, feeling nervous to almost been caught day-dreaming about Ben. “What were you looking at so intensely ? This little boyfriend of yours ?” The red hair laughed and pinched the blond’s cheek, making him groaned.

“Hey!” Ben pushed his hands away from his face and looked at you, an amused smile on his features. “I’m pretty sure she wasn’t looking at me, she see me enough all day long”

“True” You grinned and internally screamed. You could never be bored of looking at his pretty face. Never.

“So who where you looking at ? Did someone caught your eyes perhaps ?” Everyone turned, very discreetly, around and started giggling like teenager when they saw a quite charming brunette glancing over the table, few of his friends clearly teasing him.

“I see” Ben winked at you, finishing his drink with one gulp. “I think you should talk to him” He tilted his head toward the guy and you cringed internally.

It was literally the last thing you wanted to do. You didn’t even notice this guy until they all started looking at him. Your luck, obviously.

“I’m not sure about that” You laughed awkwardly and pushed few strands of hairs behind your ear, hoping for something, anything, to save you from talking to this stranger.

“Oh come on ! He is literally devouring you with his eyes” Ben nudged you gently. “And you were doing the same a minute before” He smirked and you were half relieved that he didn’t notice you were ogling him, not this random dude.

“(Y/N) ! (Y/N) ! (Y/N)” You wanted to disappear right now. You watched your friends cheering your name until you had enough and decided to agree, walking to the bar where you knew the guy would meet you too. “Go get it girl !” Randy drunkenly yelled and you felt your whole face turned red.

“Hey” You looked at the brunette, he wasn’t bad looking clearly. Curly hairs and cute dimples. Totally your type before you fell for a blond beefy guy.

“Hi” You smiled nervously and discreetly glanced toward Ben, looking for any kind of reassurance that he was maybe a bit annoyed by the fact that you were talking to another guy.

You couldn’t help yourself but wished that maybe he was sharing your feelings. Deep down. Maybe he was falling for you too but still confused with Isis. Conflicted. It was selfish but there were nothing you could do about these thoughts. Except keeping them for you.

But for all answer from Ben, you get a cheeky smile and two thumbs up. Clearly not bothered by the situation. You returned the smile, fake and smaller one before turning around to the man, your throat tight and your heart even more broken.

These feelings were clearly one-sided.

**

“You look like shit, hun” Molly greeted you as you sat, or rather flopped very graciously, on the chair in front of her, a fuming Costa cup in your right hand.

“That’s why you’re here” You snorted lazily before taking a sip of your coffee, not in the mood to talk much.

She glanced at you, feeling the mood immediately and decided to start your hairs and makeup in silence, humming quietly.

The whole crew was at the beach for the day and the place was truly breathtaking, a little creek mostly quiet except for the soft rolling of the waves. It was still dark outside, the sun barely peaking up and you needed to get the perfect scene as the director really wanted the whole sun rising romantic moment for your and Ben’s characters.

“Ten minutes before we started !” You sighed quietly and quickly finished your coffee, feeling already done with this way too cute scene for you.

Ben waved at you from his chair, Isis not far from him, both of them getting ready too. Yeah, like it wasn’t hard enough for you, Isis managed to get a small part as an extra for few scenes. Easy when you dated the main actor. And even more when you were as gorgeous as she was.

“All done, honey” You thanked Molly and rose on your feet, walking toward the small wardrobe department to get your clothes for the shoot.

A cute little yellow bikini and a pair of sunglasses were all you needed for today. The thought of spending so much time near Ben with so little clothes on was stressful. You nearly fainted when you spotted him walking in his blue swim trunk, a beach towel lazily hanging from his right shoulder.

What a sight.

**

And…action !“

You took a deep sight and blocked every other thoughts than the ones about Ellie, the character you were portraying in this movie.

"I’m glad we decided to come here” Ben or rather Will, murmured in your ear, hands softly resting on your hips as you were perched on his lap.

“Me too” You slightly turned your head just enough to catch his eyes, smiling sweetly.

The scene was indeed very romantic. Kind of cliché but still, it was making your heart beat much faster. Ben was seating on the white sand, his body pressed against you was bringing shivers down your frame.

Your group of friends were seating around a camp fire, giggling and chatting as you and Ben were with them but in your own bubble, looking at each other lovingly.

As the sun slowly rose, you continued to act as you had to, suppressing the love which was wrapping your entire body every time you looked at him. Few kisses were exchanged, few touches as well and other sweet little attentions between the two of you, carefully following the script.

It was even harder because for you everything felt so natural. When you had to play with his hairs at the back of his neck you weren’t acting, not really. It was easy, like you done it your whole life. When Ben rested softly a hand on your knee you didn’t feel awkward or nervous, it felt right. And it had been like that since day one.

“You’re not too cold ? I felt you shiver during our scene” Ben whispered as you had a mini break, waiting for everyone to go back at their assigned spots.

You wanted to laugh at his innocent remark. God bless this sweet, innocent Ben. Yes it wasn’t very warm but the simple feeling of your half naked body against mine was the only main reason of my shivers.

But you simply nodded. “Yeah but it’s alright we’re almost done with this scene anyway” You patted his shoulder nicely and he gently rubbed your forearm, in a nice attempt of keeping your warm.

**

Few hours later and you were still on the beach, few more scenes to film with this time, the sun high in the sky and the heat nicely warming your skin.

You shielded your vision to watch Ben cockily walked toward you, his body dripping wet from the bath he just took in the sea.

“Hey there” He grinned and didn’t lost a minute before laying on top of you, making you squirmed under him at the freshness of the water.

“Get off me idiot !” You giggled and tried to wiggle your way out but his strong body was easily caging you.

“Can’t do that, you’re really comfy” He laid even more on you and you let out a shaky breath as you could feel every muscles of his body against yours. “Everyone is having fun, except you, come on !” You gasped when he ran his wet hand in your hairs, purposely messing them on your face before moving off you.

“I’m reading a very good book” You weakly replied, the lie tasting bitter on your tongue.

You were just avoiding going near his girlfriend. You were on a break for a little hour and most of the crew was in the water and you would love to join them. But Isis was there too, gaining most of the attention as she was always speaking loudly or giggling. And did you mentioned how pretty she was ? Everyone could see that too. So you just felt awkward next to her, stupid really but she was so confident and dating Ben. You were so scared that somehow she noticed how you looked at him and understood what was going on. It would be a total mess if she did. 

“Yeah, whatever” The blond rolled his eyes at you bad excuse before catching your hips and throwing you over his shoulder. You screamed from the top of your lungs as he run toward the water, chuckling louder every time you asked, rather yelled, him to let you go.

He threw you on the water as everyone cheered, apparently really amused by his stupid joke. You felt two hands quickly grabbing you from under the water and you took a big breath, the salty water dripping on your face.

“You’re alright ?” Ben’s giant smile immediately warmed you up. You clenched your hands on his shoulder, wiping the water from your features with your free hand, couching a bit at the salty taste.

“Asshole” You mumbled as you pushed your hairs away from your face. You slapped his chest when he audibly laughed. ”This is so not funny ! I was fine on my towel" You protested but couldn’t suppress the amused smiled from blossoming upon your face.

“Why are you laughing then ?” Ben teased you and you rolled your eyes before swimming away from him, heart fluttering heavily at the simple interaction you just had with him.

Why he had to be so bloody cute with you all the time ? It wasn’t helping your case.

You looked behind your shoulder toward Ben and your smile dropped immediately when you spotted Isis, hanging around his neck as they shared a giggling kiss.

He was just being friendly, get your shit together for god’s sake, (Y/N).

You didn’t miss the suspicious glance that Isis threw you, her brows slightly furrowed like she was in deep reflection. She gave you a little smile when she caught your eyes on her before she focused back on the British man.

You deeply hoped she wasn’t thinking anything about this little friendly moment between you and Ben.

**

“Baby, can you put me some sun-cream on ?” You raised your head toward Ben and stood up, grabbing the protection from his hand.

“You knew you could do it yourself” You commented as you applied a small amount of cream in your hand before rubbing it onto Ben’s large shoulders.

“I can’t reach some part” He grinned, sunglasses hanging low on his nose.

It was like the universe like to torturing you. Every scene you had to do was painfully touchy today and it was putting you under a strong pressure. Isis’ intense gaze on you wasn’t helping either, she watching with attention every of your interactions with her boyfriend.

It wasn’t your fault, you were just acting right now. But you felt incredibly uncomfortable under her eyes. Like you were doing something wrong. Which you weren’t as it was your freaking job.

“You’re just lazy, Will” You rolled your eyes and kept rubbing the sun-cream on his back, breathing quickening as you reached his hips. “Done” You announced before he turned around, welcoming you with his beautiful and chiselled face.

“Why about here, hum ?” He cheekily drummed his digits on his firm pectoral. He cocked his head to the side, wearing your favourite boyish smile. “Don’t wanna burn” He pouted and you bit your lips, finding him unfairly adorable.

You quickly stopped your day dreaming and scoffed as you were supposed to, pretending to be annoyed.

“You’re a pain in the ass, Will” You repeated the same actions, pouring cream in your hands before rubbing it on his warm torso, goosebumps spreading all over your skin,

“But you love me anyway” He replied with a little smile, pushing his sunglasses on the top of his head.

“Yes, I do” You murmured and, not without difficulty, grinned at him. You were supposed to be happy but the painful truth hiding behind your words was hard to get along with.

“Your hands are so much softer than mine” The blond sighed as he closed his eyes, your pads barely touching his abs. You couldn’t go further or you would literally combust.

“That’s because you never want to put night cream on yours, silly” You said and took few steps away as he lowered his head toward you, eyes still closed. You sighed loudly and quickly rubbed the sun cream on his face.

“No, no ! Stop !” The director made you jump as Ben opened his eyes, both of you looking at him. “(Y/N), darling, you were doing perfectly fine but this last scene…you need to be gentle and tender, alright ? It’s supposed to be a romantic scene between Ellie and Will, not looking like you just want to get ride of him” You chuckled weakly and nodded, watching the director going back to his chair.

“Already annoyed with my presence ?” Ben teased as he went back to his previous position.

You simply smiled and waited for the green light of the cameramen before executing the script. You slowly rubbed your fingers against his face, caressing every of his features without looking away from his eyes, giving to the director all the love he wanted. You swallowed thickly at your proximity, his eyes not leaving yours for a second as you kept caressing his strong cheekbones.

“There you go” You rubbed the remaining of cream on his neck and locked your arms behind it, repressing a shiver when his hands found your face.

You absolutely adored how his digits slid softly on your skin, cupping your jaw like if you were the most precious thing in the world. His thumb gently caressing your cheek as he pressed a sickly sweet kiss on your lips. You could feel the warmth coming from his chest and the pleasant sigh which escaped your mouth wasn’t for the act anymore.

There were absolutely not better feeling in the world.

**

You let out a deep breath as you snuggled further into your hoodie, the warmth of the day already fading away as the sun disappeared slowly. You grabbed your phone and answered few texts, exhaustion rolling down your bones.

“Are you texting the guy from yesterday ?” You shook your head lazily, letting a yawn escaping your mouth as Joshua, who was playing your brother, sat next to you. “Why not ?”

“Not really interesting” You didn’t bother explaining further, to tired for that. ”How it’s going with Danny ? When he is coming already ?“

Joshua’s eyes immediately lighted up at the mention of his boyfriend.

"Very well, thanks” He beamed and showed you his new screen lock, an adorable picture of the two of them with their new puppy. You let out a little aww and Joshua smiled wider. “He is coming next week, I can’t wait to see him ! And to introduce him to you !”

You listened to his exciting chatting, a little pinching for your heart at how happy and in love he was.

**

You groaned and get up from your chair as Ben was late for filming. You knew Isis was around so they probably just didn’t see the time, laying in bed. Still, it wasn’t something Ben did often, he was always in time and ready to work.

You swallowed roughly as you walked to his trailer, praying they weren’t shagging because you didn’t know how your heart would take it.

“It’s my freaking job, Isis !” You jumped at Ben’s loud voice followed by few cursing words.

You froze and decided smartly to not knock on the door and instead waited patiently next to the trailer, ear dropping shamelessly. You shouldn’t but you couldn’t help yourself.

“Well, I don’t like it at all, Benjamin !” She yelled back and you heard him sighing, probably knowing he was already late and his girlfriend wasn’t helping. “You didn’t see the way she look at you !”

You felt the same way as the day your best friend from high school threw you a bucket of freezing water on your head. You stopped breathing by fear they would hear you and tried your best to not panic.

Was she talking about you ?

Of course she was ! Who else could be the She ? You were done, done, done. The rest of the filming would be just awkward because of you and your stupid feelings.

"Oh my god, Isis ! We already had this conversation, (Y/N) is simply doing her job, alright ? You need to stop being so paranoiac for Christ’ sake !”

You felt yourself sweating uncomfortably as you listened to them, heart beating like crazy. This was a nightmare.

“She is not acting anymore Ben ! Open your damn eyes for once !” Isis groaned as she slammed a cup loudly on the table, making you jumped again. “She is not acting at all ! It’s fucking obvious !”

“What are you saying Isis ?” Ben muttered, clearly done with this argument. “Come on, enlighten me as apparently you know better than everyone !”

There a beat of complete silence, your muslces completely tetanised as you waited for her answer.

Isis let out a sarcastic, cold laugh. It worried you a lot. And then she pronounced these six little words which would make your heart stop. 

“She is fucking in love with you, Ben”

**

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