#the thing is that the argument that “lisa shows them as perfect soulmates that are gonna be endgame” has genuinely no grounds as of now

[lady-corrine]

You know, I always suspected that the tvd fandom wasn't the brightest in terms of media literacy, but seeing some specific shippers claim that Lisa portrayed the relationship between Damon and Elena in a positive light in her continuations is certainly... interesting? To say the least. Because:

He’s saying that right now Elena is up for grabs.

But at the mention of Elena, Damon felt at a flush of pure greed that started in his jaws and spread outward.

If I have to, I’ll Influence you to agree with me. I probably should have done that in the beginning. I seem to remember promising I wouldn’t, but I believe that promise also had a time limit that ran out.

Now to each their own, but 😬

[babybirdgyeom]

blind dates and swimming pools | kim yugyeom

Summary: You expected anyone to be the blind date that Mark set you up to - it could’ve been some creep, an actual nice person, or the love of your life. What you didn’t expect though was seeing your ex-boyfriend appearing in front of you. And what you expected even less was that you two still got along as good as always.

Word count: 5k

There’s smut but not really. Also, this is not proofread, I’m sorry.

The restaurant he chose was nice, an Italian one, with many different renaissance paintings on the wall, a cozy atmosphere, it had white stone walls and the lights were all dimmed yellow, big red candles on each of the wooden tables. You were waiting for him inside, wondering if it was too late to just turn around and leave.

You don’t know why you agreed when Mark told you he could arrange a blind date for you with his girlfriend’s cousin. Right now you didn’t even know his name nor what he does for a living. All you knew was that Mina was his cousin and that, according to Mark, he was one of the sweetest guys you’ll ever meet.

Mark knew you were getting lonely - since you came back from your semester abroad you didn’t go out on any dates even though you were a rather outgoing person, it just didn’t fit in your schedule and you had to admit that you were a bit scared of dating again, especially after such a long time. But after a while you really missed someone to hold you close at night or someone you could introduce to your friends as your boyfriend, you didn’t even dare to think about how long it has been since you had one of those. By now it must have been 18 months.

Slowly your heart started beating faster and the most ridiculous thoughts came to your mind - what if he stood you up? Or worse, what if he was a total douchebag? Or, what seemed to be your worst case scenario right now, what if you actually liked him? Could you allow yourself to fall in love again after your last boyfriend suddenly broke up with you through a text before blocking you?

Your eyes were glued to your phone while waiting for your blind date, scrolling through your instagram feed without really paying attention to what your friends were posting, that was the only way you could keep yourself calm while waiting for him. The waitress already walked you to the table reserved for the two of you, so now all you could do was hoping everything would go right.

“(Y/N)?”, an oddly familiar voice asked and before you looked up you already know who it belonged to. Kim Yugyeom, no one else than your ex-boyfriend who left you feeling hopeless after vanishing from your life without an explanation. An odd feeling of shock and anxiety was building up inside of you as you looked at him, as tall and handsome as ever. His black hair still fell perfectly, the dress-shirt he was wearing fit him perfectly, tugged into his usual pair of black skinny jeans that showed of his beautiful long legs so well - you hated that the first thought you had was how handsome he still was. What on earth was he doing here?

The first thing you did was looking at him in shock before you stood up, why you didn’t know, “Wh-”, you tried to say something but it got stuck in your throat.

“I think I’m actually your blind date for tonight.”, he said softly, a small, careful smile on his lips - you could hear worries in his voice, “I swear I didn’t know it would be you.”

For a second you felt dizzy - you constantly tried your best to avoid Yugyeom. Not because you still loved him and couldn’t bear to see him but because you had a very hard time getting over him and really hoped you would never be reminded of this time again. The two of you have been a couple for a year, a quite happy one you could say. At least that’s what you thought. You had some arguments and discussions here and then, about simple things like where to eat today or who paid but they were always light-hearted and the two of you laughed about them. Back then you were so in love with him, you almost forgot how intense it was until you saw his face right in front of you again. Never before have you felt safer in someone's arms or wanted to spend time and make memories as much as with him. In these twelve months you two traveled to Paris, kissed in front of the Eiffel tower, flew to your hometown so he could meet your parents who were immediately obsessed with the soft boy at your side, he took you out to the cutest dates - romantic candlelight dinners on the rooftop of high buildings, just you and him and the moon, surprising zoo dates, one time you even came home to him building a fort in your room to have a cute movie night. Your heart felt heavy whenever you thought of those memories, that’s why you constantly were distracting yourself from them - with such things as this blind date.

All of your luck and happiness came to an end though when you got the text from Yugyeom one day. You read it so often, it’ll always be stuck in your head.

‘Y/n, I love you so much but I feel like I’ll never be good enough for you. I think it’s for the best if we end it now before things get ugly one day. Thank you so much for this amazing time with you and all of the beautiful memories I’ll never forget. Maybe I’ll see you one day and we can laugh about it. I’m so sorry.’

Well, today certainly wasn’t the day you could laugh about it just yet. “I think I’ll go, Yugyeom, I’m sorry.”, you said, giving him an apologetic smile, grabbing your handbag and getting ready to leave, avoiding his eyes that were glued to your every move, “It’s nice to see you but this”, you gestured with your hands between him and you, “seems like an uncomfortable blind date.”

“Stay. Just for a drink. I know it’s awkward and I owe you an apology but don’t run away like I did.”, his voice was nothing more than a mumble and he seemed to be very unconfident but he wanted to try at least.

You suddenly stopped your rushed movement, his words hitting you like a knife. It was good seeing him, he still looked like a Disney Prince and you would love to hear that apology but doubt was winning over you. If he wanted to explain himself he had enough time, why now? But as soon as you looked into his eyes, they looked so soft and genuinely excited to see you, you knew you’d stay.

A heavy sigh was heard from your side followed by a, “Okay, sure.” as you sat down. A part of you wanted to hear what he had to say. When he left you, you were angry mainly, how could he just do that after a year of dating?

He sat down opposite off you, the small table you were sitting on had roses in a vase on it and the candles made his skin look like it was glowing. “I didn’t even know you are Mina’s cousin.”, you said, breaking the silence between you two. If you were doing this you at least wanted the atmosphere to be less tense, you knew Yugyeom, it shouldn’t have to be awkward between you.

He gave you a shy smile, “Oh, she’s not exactly. Her mother is married to my uncle now, that’s why you didn’t get to meet her back then.” 

That made sense, you knew Yugyeom’s family and you never saw her before. “Good for your uncle.”, a genuine smile appeared on your lips as you thought of his uncle, he always was your favorite, “The world really is small, huh? Suddenly your cousin is dating my best friend, without us knowing.”

Something in Yugyeom overcame him for a moment and he just followed his urge to hold your hand - so without thinking twice about it, you suddenly felt his big hand on top of yours, sending shivers down your spine. You looked up at him confused to see he was already looking at you - Yugyeom was the best guy you could’ve got, a soft dork with his heart in the right place. “If you’re uncomfortable you have to tell me, okay?”, he said to which you nodded in response, waiting for him to continue, “I’m happy to see you actually.”

“Me too, Yugi.”, you told him and you meant it. He started to smile, a real one, a bigger one now.  The two of you were interrupted by the waitress and somehow Yugyeom just automatically ordered for the two of you, leaving you a bit impressed - you wouldn’t have thought he’d still know what your go-to meal was.

“Oh, can we please have two glasses of wine, please?”, he asked the waitress before turning to you, “red or white?”

“I’d like a red one, please.”

Within a few minutes, you both were clinking glasses and having some small talk. “I can’t believe we’re sitting here, Yugyeom.”, you said after taking a sip, laughing to yourself. You truly couldn’t believe it but you thought that if you two were here already you could also just spend a nice evening together. 

“I’m happy we are though. Even though I agree that it is also not what I expected tonight when Mark and Mina told me they know this girl that would just be perfect for me. If only they’d know.”, he joined your laughter and it was nice seeing him happy.

“I can’t wait to tell Mark you’re actually that guy I told him about before. He’ll probably kill you.”, you said, knowing that Mark was never a fan of the ex-boyfriend you told him about when you two became friends.

“He has every right to.”, Yugyeom said, his voice more serious now, “I fucked up, (y/n).”

You were having fun with him so you really wanted to avoid talking about the break-up, “This talk can wait. I got promised a nice blind date, so do your best.”, you said playfully, not wanting to sound hurt - you were hurt, no question, seeing him again didn’t make it easier. But for now you just wanted to keep up with him, “Your hair is longer now, huh? It suits you.”

“You think so? Bambam constantly teases me about it, I’m close to cutting it off actually.”, he said, rolling his eyes but you couldn’t help than smile at the mention of his best friend.

“Bambam!”, you said excited, “How has he been? Still after Lisa?”, you asked wondering what the tall boy was up to - the two of you always got along really good. He was basically Yugyeom’s soulmate and seeing them together was always very enjoyable. Two idiots having the time of their life, laughing about every- and anything.

“You bet. I don’t think he’ll ever give up.”, Yugyeom shook his head amused, “He swears that one day she’ll finally realize she’s been in love with him all along.”

“That poor soul.”, you laughed, taking another sip of your wine, “Tell me about the others, how are Jaebum and Maria?”

Yugyeom’s eyes widened, trying not to laugh out loud, “Oh, you really haven’t talked to any of them, huh? They broke up a month after us.”

Your jaw dropped, a shocked expression on your face, “No way! I thought they were going to get married, no joke.”

It went on like this for the dinner, basically you and Yugyeom caught up with each other’s life's, he asked about your family, your semester abroad, you told him about your graduation next month and he told you about how he started to work in a retirement home besides university to make some money, he was so happy talking about all the old people he met there, it was nice seeing him talk about something so passionate.

Thoughts you knew were dangerous came creeping up - you and Yugyeom were getting along as good as always, it felt like coming home after a long, rough time. Considering the fact that the shy and soft boy was not so shy talking to you let you know that he definitely felt as comfortable as you. When you met him for the first time you were immediately attracted to the broad and tall guy.

Time flew and without noticing your food and three glasses of wine for each of you were empty and the waitress was bringing you your bill. “Are you paying together or separate?”, she asked Yugyeom.

“Together.”, he said, getting out his card.

“No way, I can pay for myself.”, you said, warning him - you hated when he paid for you. It always has been like this when you were dating and now that he was your ex-boyfriend it certainly didn’t change.

He let out a heavy sigh but you could see a smile hidden in the corner of his lips, “Don’t. We discussed this often enough.” 

He was right, the amount of time this was a discussion between the two of you was almost embarrassing but it was something different now - the boy opposite of you was not your boyfriend anymore. “Whatever, you pay then.”, you shrugged, deciding that after leaving you like this he could pay once.

“Sooooo-”, he said a bit awkward as you two were standing outside, his eyes glued to his shoes, “Should I bring you home?”

No. You didn’t want to part ways yet, it’s the last thing you wanted to do. This evening was nice and if you left now who knows if you’d see him again anytime soon? But then, on the other hand, you didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. In the end, he might have been just nice and didn’t want to hurt your feelings when he saw you in the restaurant.

“I had fun, Yugi.”, you said, avoiding his question and hoping for a good reaction from him.

“Yugi.”, he repeated, more like mumbled to himself with a grin on his face, “No one has called me Yugi in such a long time.”

He looked up into the dark night sky, watching the stars, “I had fun too, (y/n). Would it be rude to invite you for another drink somewhere? Maybe a coffee?”

It was cute how he immediately blushed as he asked you, still not daring to look at you - at least until you stepped right next to him, linking your arm with his. “Let’s go then.”, you said and he looked at you with eyes wide open.

The two of you were walking slowly, talking about the beautiful buildings, on your way to the cafe Yugyeom suggested, and about everything else that came to your mind. The atmosphere was relaxed, maybe even a little romantic, walking under the stars with a beautiful man by your side that was so tall that you had to look up to if you wanted to see his face, the city was lit with only a few dimmed street lights and the air was chilly but still warm, making you feel awake. 

“I think it’s funny that they tried to set us up.”, he said, looking down to you, scrunching his nose to look cute, “My heart stopped beating when I saw you sitting on the table. All I could think of was I had to make you stay somehow.”

You both arrived in front of the cafe by now. “I’m happy I stayed.”, you admitted before walking into the cute little cafe. You and Yugyeom were almost the only ones there. 

As you sat down he looked at you, his expression seemed to be a bit worried. Before you could ask what was wrong he already started, “Can you let me apologize now?”, he asked shyly.

You nodded, knowing that sooner or later the two of you had to talk about it - at least if you planned to stay in contact after this night. Even though you didn’t want to be reminded of your broken heart, Yugyeom was right. It was time to get it over with. As you were waiting for him your mood suddenly dropped. The two of you got along so good tonight, just as good as you always did. Why did he ever leave considering how the two of you have felt for each other. You were sure he had genuine feelings for you, even after he left. For months you asked yourself why he left, knowing you wouldn’t get an answer, until day after day you started to care less and less, getting over it in a slow process. You were afraid that he’d ruin all your process within just one evening.

“To be honest, I don’t even know anymore why I did what I did. I was stupid, afraid of hurting. And I was a kid, I didn’t know how to deal with it so I just decided to leave as quick as possible, like ripping off a bandaid. I knew if I did it any other way I couldn’t have done it.”, he looked deep into your eyes while explaining the situation to you - you had many emotions while listening to him. Mostly you felt uneasy though. After you had time to think about it back then you already assumed he left because of something like that, he was right, you were just kids back then and Yugyeom was always a bit insecure.

“I understand that.”, you said, not able to hide the sadness in your voice, “Still, I wish I got an explanation earlier. Or at least not over a text in the middle of the night.”

He nodded, taking your hand that was currently resting on the table. “If I could, I would undo it all. I know I can’t and this means nothing but you should know that I am very aware that I fucked up. If it makes you feel any better, I regretted it like nothing else ever before.”, he said, trying to cheer you up and it worked for a bit as you scoffed. 

“Not a lot, but a bit.”, you admitted, “It was hard for me to get over it. I really liked you, Yugyeom. I thought we were in it for the long run.”

He nodded, closing his eyes for a second, biting his lip as he was thinking of what to say, “We would have been. I was too young to understand that.”

The two of you were interrupted by the barista, asking you for your order. He ordered two hot chocolates for both of you and the last piece of peach tart they had at this late hour.

Before he got the chance to continue talking to you, you took the opportunity to tell him what you truly thought about all this.

“It’s been one and a half years. I’m more than willing to leave all of that behind, Yugyeom. I don’t want it to be awkward when we see each other, you know?”

“Friends?”, he asked you. 

“Let’s try that.”, you chuckled, knowing that you probably couldn’t be friends with him. After just seeing him for a few hours you were already swooning over him again, you didn’t believe that you’d actually manage to be something like just friends with him, but for now, friends seemed fine.

After the barista brought you your order your phone was ringing suddenly. You let out a laugh as you showed Yugyeom who was facetiming you at midnight. No one else than Mina. 

“Give it to me. I’ll answer it.”, he said amused, “She’ll scream.”

“She’ll think we’re going to get married.”, you said as you handed him the phone, “Her poor soul has no idea.”

Before Yugyeom got the chance to say something, Mina was already talking. “(Y/n). I can’t believe you didn’t ca-”

Silence. 

“Hi Mina, can I help you?”, Yugyeom said, a grin on his face as he left Mina speechless.

“It’s midnight! Bring her home. Did you kidnap her?”, she said, sounding complety shocked.

Both of you let out a laugh, “No, we’re actually in the cafe around the corner of your apartment.”

“Shit.”, she mumbled to herself before turning around in her room, screaming over to her boyfriend, “Mark! They are going to fuck. They are still out.”

You snatched your phone back from Yugyeom, facing Mina now, “Will you shut up? We’re in a public place.”

“Everybody needs to know.”, Mina said, a triumphing grin on her face, “Mark and me are the matchmakers out there.”

You scoffed, “If you did good research you’d actually know that we’ve not only known each other for some time, but also dated.”

Now she was left completely speechless, realizing who Yugyeom actually was to you. 

“Wait. He’s the guy?”, Mark asked from the back, “And you two are still out? Old love doesn’t die, huh?”

You chuckled, “Oh, shut up. We’ll enjoy our evening now, okay? Talk to you later.”

And with that you hung up on your best friends, not really caring about them in this moment. 

“Mark will give me so much shit tomorrow.”, Yugyeom said, sighing. 

Laughing you agreed, “Probably, yes. But that doesn’t matter right now. I’m in the mood to do something stupid if I am honest.”

Your ex-boyfriend gave you a mischevious smile, always down for doing stupid shit, “Any ideas?”

That’s one of the things you used to love the most about Yugyeom. He was never trying to stop you, instead, he joined you whenever you had a spontaneous and probably very idiotic idea. One time the two of you drove across the whole country in the middle of the night just to look at some stars from the highest point of your city. And today, you had another one of those spontaneous late night ideas.

“Wanna go for a swim? It’s still warm outside.”, you suggested, knowing everyone else would immediately tell you you were crazy but not Yugyeom. His eyes sparkled as you asked him, a grin on his face. Both of you knew the owner of the local swimming pool, so even if you’d get caught it would be absolutely no problem. Basically, it had no downsides at all.

“That would be foolish. It’s late. It’s actually not that warm outside. We have no clothes to change into.”, he stated the facts, explaining why it was a bad idea.

“So we’re doing it?”, you asked him, eating the last piece of the tart in front of you.

“Absolutely.”, he gave you a small wink before going to the counter to pay for your drinks. 

As the two of you left the place, a rush of adrenaline was rushing over you. The pool was only a five minute walk away and you were more than excited to go for a swim with Yugyeom. You couldn’t even explain why it was making you feel so excited since you knew you wouldn’t get in trouble anyway. Just the thought of the two of you doing something together again, that only the two of you could be doing was making you feel happy.

“Nothing compares to that.”, he said, laughing, “It’s been way too long since someone did something exciting with me.”

It was nice knowing that Yugyeom seemed to be just as excited as you were. As the two of you stood in front of the gate he immediately went down on his knees so you could use him as a ladder to climb over it. He didn’t need any help since he was tall enough to just simply climb over himself.

So, there you were, just you and your ex-boyfriend in the middle of the night, all alone, ready to go for a swim. As you looked up at him, he was already looking at you, both of you asking yourself the same question but no one daring to say it out loud.

“Uhm.”, Yugyeom started awkwardly, running his hands through his hair, “Should we, you know.. Maybe take our clothes off? Not that we need to but if we go home in wet clothes we might get sick. But I don’t care, I can also just get sick.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle at his awkward rambling. Not answering his question you simply started to strip down in front of him, not breaking eye contact. First your jacket, then your shirt. As you stood in front of him in your bra and your pants he was staring at your breasts as if he’s never seen them before.

“I’d rather stay healthy.”, you simply stated and within seconds Yugyeom was joining you, also stripping down until the two of you were only left in your underwear.

“Shit.”, he said shivering as the two of you were standing in front of the water, “You sure won’t freeze to de-”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence but instead, you took his wrist, making him jump into the water right with you. The cold water hit you, making you gasp but feeling amazing. Yugyeom was right beside you, a smirk on his lips, as he started to swim towards the middle of the pool, barely able to stand in it. You had to keep yourself over water because if Yugyeom already had trouble standing in it, you had no chance. 

He laid on top of the water, balancing his body so he wouldn’t drown. You did the same, just laying there with him, looking at the starry night sky. 

“I missed this.”, he said with a genuine tone in his voice, “I haven’t felt this good in a long time.”

You looked at him, relaxing in the water and you felt yourself becoming needy. It was wrong probably to want him, after all, that happened but you tried to bury your feelings for long enough, you were tired of that.

“Hey, Yugyeom?”, you said, making him look at you.

“Yes?”, he asked you, not lying on top of the water anymore but instead being right in front of you.

Without giving yourself the time to overthink you came closer, burying your hand in his hair as your lips brushed over his, barely touching them.

“If I’m asking you to not break my heart again would you promise it?”

His eyes were locked with yours and the expression in them was serious, listening to every word carefully.

“If you can trust me once more I won’t break it.”, he assured you, his hand now resting on your hip as your legs wrapped around his waist and your lips came in contact with his, kissing him hungrily, not wanting to break the kiss at all. His wet skin on yours felt sinfully good and you didn’t want him to ever stop holding you up like that. Slowly, he was walking the two of you over to the edge of the pool without breaking the kiss, pressing you against it while his hands were running all over your body. You let out a deep groan as he broke from the kiss to wander down to your jaw and then to your neck, licking and kissing your sweet spot.

His free hand was playing with the back of your bra, taking it off in an instant.

“I didn’t expect this night to end like this.”, he said smirking.

“I hope all of our nights can end similar to this from now on.”, you told him before he continued to kiss you, promising you that this definitely wouldn’t be the last time.

[roguesurvivor]

Narcissists By Rebecca Fischbein

When Lisa* met Adam* in graduate school, she thought she’d hit the dating jackpot. “He was very wealthy, very charismatic, and at first he was very charming,” she says. “He was constantly showering me with gifts, fancy dinners, and romanic nights out. He was playing by this 1950s courtship rulebook.” But over time, Lisa says, Adam became condescending, controlling, and cruel. He criticized her working-class background and tried to mold her in his image. He learned her insecurities and trigger points and used them against her. He made her write him an apology letter every time they had an argument. Ultimately, he became physically and sexually abusive. It took Lisa years to escape him.

“I was in my mid-20s, a hopeless romantic, painfully insecure,” she says. “Here was a guy who was charming and handsome and going to help me fit in. I was so eager to please.”

Though Adam has not been clinically diagnosed, to Lisa’s knowledge, he exhibits classic characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which the Mayo Clinic defines as “a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.” What we tend to think of as “narcissism”—vanity and extra-heavy doses of self-confidence—is a spectrum, and people can tip more heavily toward one end or the other. But someone with NPD is more than just self-interested and self-obsessed.

“It’s a lifelong pattern that a child started in childhood to cope with a certain family environment,” Elinor Greenberg, PhD., the author of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety, says. “In adulthood, they overvalue achievement, they do not understand love, they have low emotional empathy.”

Julie L. Hall, a journalist and the author of The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free, characterizes narcissists as individuals who, to repress feelings of shame and inadequacy in childhood, take on an exterior persona designed to insulate themselves from criticism. “They miss out on numerous developmental milestones,” she says. “They do not form a secure sense of identity and self-esteem. They do not learn good emotional regulation, they do not learn to self-reflect, they do not learn emotional empathy. They do not develop a complex, mature sense of their own universe or the emotional lives of others.”

People with NPD are not able to see other people, which means they do not make for good romantic partners. Many can become abusive, emotionally or otherwise. If you’ve inadvertently entered into a relationship with a narcissist, it can be hard to figure out what’s going on at first. Here are some signs to help you out.

They put you on a pedestal (at first)

Narcissists see everything in black and white, including people. People are either “good,” which means they’re idealized, or they’re “bad,” which to a narcissist essentially means they’re garbage. If a narcissist is pursuing you as a romantic partner, that means you’re in the “good” category, and you’ll likely find that they shower you with compliments and charm to win you over. They’ll make you feel wonderful, special, and, ironically, seen right off the bat.

“Narcissists become infatuated. They tend to idealize a potential partner or love interest,” Hall says. “It can seem like you’ve met your soulmate, like, ‘Wow, I connect so much with this person.”

Narcissists may also try to alter themselves in an effort to mirror your personality. “They may suddenly share the same interests as you, and agree with you and your core values,” Hall says. “These are not necessarily things the narcissist is or believes, but they’re trying on your identity, and showing you what they think you want to see.”

But once you get deeper into the relationship, a switch gets flipped. “In the beginning, you’re getting all the wonderful things from them and they don’t even notice your flaws,” Greenberg says. “As you come closer, and they’re not just in chase mode, suddenly they’re going to see all these things about you they didn’t see before, that bleed through their image of you as perfect and special.”

Many of us idealize our partners in the beginning but recognize that everyone has flaws, and eventually the idealization gets swapped out for love and trust. But with a narcissist, there’s no substitute. “You flip into ‘all bad,’” Greenberg says. “That’s when they start their construction project.”

They try to “fix” you

Greenberg describes narcissists in search of a romantic partner as “looking for piece of cheese with no holes.” And since everybody has holes, that mission is doomed from the start. Once the narcissist sees those holes—which can be as minor as, say, you unloading the dishwasher in a way they don’t like, or mispronouncing “bagel,”—they can either “fix” you or dump you.

“You’re like a building under construction to them,” Greenberg says. “They feel like the Prince in Cinderella.”

Lisa experienced this with Adam. “He knew my background and upbringing and gave me tips on how to hide it,” she says. “One time, I mentioned I learned piano as a kid and that I wished I could go back and learn it. He said he would get me piano lessons for my birthday, because, ‘I think it would look better for you if you were a classically trained musician.’”

She adds, “It was like The Princess Diaries, where I was going to be this middle-class, out-of-place kid, and he was going to build me into this perfect little partner. I was this blank slate that he was just going to make his masterpiece.”

They have no boundaries and a sense of entitlement

One of the defining characteristics of any personality disorder is a lack of boundaries, emotional or otherwise. People with NPD are no exception.

“They often feel entitled to violate boundaries most of us accept and abide by,” Hall says. “Sharing intimate details about other people you don’t know about, wanting to get more committed really quickly, promising things or wanting promises from you like commitment, marriage, having kids together right away. Things that are really premature before you’ve had a chance to get there.”

Hall says narcissists just feel entitled in general. They can’t abide by the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. “A narcissist walks around with very unreasonable expectations,” Hall says. “They feel entitled to get things other people shouldn’t get.”

Narcissists can have big “May I speak to the manager?” energy. They might mock or criticize other people behind their backs. They may be rude to or yell at servers. And they walk around believing and/or telling people they’re better than everyone else.

Lisa says that Adam, for instance, would wear a necklace with a formula engraved on a tag. He claimed he invented it, and that it was the “formula for the universe.”

“He said, ‘I solved the universe. This solves everything. And when someone questions my power, I just remember I’m more powerful than them,’” Lisa says.

They don’t hold back in a fight

It’s healthy for couples to argue sometimes. But when narcissists get into spats with their partners, their lack of empathy can lead to a nasty fight.

Greenberg says narcissists often do not have “object constancy,” which is the ability to maintain positive feelings for someone even in times of conflict. “Object constancy is what keeps people from abusing their mates,” she says. “People with object constancy can remember that they love you even when they’re mad at you.”

But narcissists can’t always do that. “If you’re in a fight with someone with no emotional empathy, who can’t remember they love you, they will hit below the belt,” Greenberg says, “All bets are off. They can say vile things to you.”

Narcissists love to argue—winning an argument is another way for them to prove that they’re better than other people—and they know how to push your buttons. They also tend have extreme emotional reactions. So if your partner is frequently hurtful, even over minor infractions, that’s a red big flag. And what comes after a fight can be a red flag, too:

They never apologize

Narcissists are incapable of self-reflection, which means that they rarely recognize when they’re in the wrong. So if your partner tends to sling throat-cutting insults at you during a fight and doesn’t ever meaningfully apologize for it, well, you might want to reassess the relationship.

“Being able to see that people have good and bad qualities, able to see that in themselves and other people, that’s something an NPD person can’t do,” Hall says. “They’re unable to look at things from an emotional perspective beyond themselves.”

If they do apologize, it can be more of an insult in of itself. “Sometimes narcissists throw out faux apologies with the narrative that you’re really too sensitive,” Hall says. “They’re unable to see things from your point of view, or validate your feelings as being legitimate.”

They turn their exes into villains

Here is a big one: If your partner or prospective partner has a narrative in which everyone they ever dated was “terrible,” “horrible,” and solely responsible for the destruction of the relationship, that’s a massive red flag. Sometimes someone does date a couple of assholes, but generally most people are able to reflect upon the ways in which both parties contributed to a relationship’s demise. Narcissists can’t accept criticism, can’t see the middle ground, and can’t self-reflect, which means they’re unable to recognize their part in a breakup. To protect their fragile egos, they are “good,” which means the ex must be “bad.”

“They often have a really negative assessment of previous relationships,” Hall says. “They pathologize and villainize their exes. The other person is a ‘jerk,’ an ‘asshole,’ a ‘disappointment.’” Basically, they don’t learn from relationships, and they’re constantly externalizing anything negative.

They gaslight you

With no boundaries, empathy, or checked egos, narcissists delight in manipulating people. It’s one of the ways they can feel superior than others, and it’s another method of proving to themselves that the rules don’t apply. It’s hard to tell if someone is gaslighting you—the very nature of gaslighting, i.e. psychological manipulation to make someone doubt their own feelings and lived experience, is set up to slowly chip away at your conviction so you think you’re the problem. But if you start to sense that your partner is manipulating you, get the hell out.

Lisa says Adam would frequently gaslight her. “We would be out at a bar or restaurant or something, and I would see him put his hand on the small of a woman’s back, and touch her ass or something,” she says. “In the car ride home, I would say something and he would freak the fuck out.”

He would deny it, they would argue, and in the end, Adam would manage to convince her that she was in the wrong. “The rule was that every time we got into an argument, I would have to write him a letter giving him an outline of how the argument began, who said what, and that I was sorry,” Lisa says. “At the end [of the letter], I’d be like, ‘You’re right, I didn’t see that, I must have been drunk.”

Narcissists do not truly understand or care about your emotional experience, your pain, and your personhood; moreover, they always have to be Right, and if you oppose them or call them out on their shit, that means you’re Wrong. That means they can pretty much do whatever they want without remorse, and they may do what it takes to convince you that their misdeeds are your fault.

If you’re dating someone who exhibits a number of these signs, consider confiding in someone you trust—friends, family, a therapist—and cutting ties. Narcissists can sometimes mitigate their worst impulses through therapy, but people who lack empathy have to do a lot of work to gain it, and they inflict psychological and emotional damage upon others in the meantime. You deserve better.