#the start of the semester is just hard and I am missing my island and my pelicans

[bungletheglasscat]

something about being at school makes me feel like I don’t know how to do anything right

[fingfamily-blog-blog]

Family Vacation on Flores

In the first semester, I averaged just under 2 blog posts per week. Then I took a month-long vacation through Java and Flores islands, and only posted once. And this is set to be my first post for the second semester. But am I running out of interest, of things to discuss? I took this up because everything was new and might be provocative for a writer. But, as I begin the (longer) second half of this professionally unsatisfying experience, I wonder what more I can convey, other than sitting around my house, wondering how much booze I should consume. But, first, the month-long journey was fabulous. It was so nice to be with my wife again after 4.5 months apart. In 30+ years together, 3 weeks was the longest we'd been apart, on a couple of occasions. WhatsApp technology has allowed us to see each other and talk regularly, but still, it's quite a honeymoon to reunite after 4.5 months apart. I had wondered if we might take up some of the negative themes of our "normal" life, when we spend 20+ hours of every single day together. But it didn't happen. I think whatever agitation we might have felt (which everyone does in weeks of travel) was dissipated by the previous months of missing each other. Nary a negative thought, let alone snarky words or attitudes. We also had our son with us, and he was the conduit for whatever snark we ended up dealing with. He's a seasoned traveller, but jet-lag was an issue at first, and generally we had to wake him up earlier than he wanted, so it was occasionally rough getting him to civility. But, again, understanding that touring like that is hard, I think we all gave each other space to be cranky. And we enjoy travel and new food, new things... That being said, Java was a disappointment for all of us. We spent more time in Jakarta than we needed to (expecting jet-lag to be an issue). Yogyakarta was nicer (more culture), but even that was noisy and crowded and dirty. We spent two nights in Solo, and, except for a visit to a fantastic batik museum and store, we wished we'd never gone there at all. On the eastern side of Java, Batu was a fine stop. Batu is higher altitude and more comfortable air, more natural things, waterfalls, vistas. And our son is a farmer, so the agriculture there was of interest. We only spent two nights at my home in Malang. We should have done more than that, but we didn't know how grungy and dull Java would be. I know now! We went to Mt. Bromo, and the excruciating journey was made unbearable because of fog. We saw nothing, a great let-down. Still, compared to all the other places we visited in Java, Malang looks almost charming. So, I have a new-found appreciation for the town I was more-or-less randomly placed in. I could have been in much worse circumstances. The second half of our trip was spent in a much happier, more relaxed place, Flores island. Our tour started in the east and we moved west through some quite remote places, seeing waterfalls, crater lakes, beaches, mountains, volcanos, tropical islands... We went snorkeling, saw wild animals, ate and slept more locally. We were just more comfortable and pleased with our surroundings and experiences. Flores has vanilla, cashews, cacao, coffee, all kinds of fruits. For our farmer, it was so much more compelling. And his happiness made us happier. On Java, to our surprise, our foreignness drew unwanted attention, with people approaching us just to take pictures, or to practice their English. Sometimes this was fine, but other times it was a challenge not to be rude. On Flores, this was less of a problem. And we finished our time there, with 5 nights in Labuan Bajo, one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Oh, it's still pretty grungy and unequally developed, with trash everywhere, but the sea, the breezes, the islands, the coral reefs, the hillsides, and the sunsets, my heart was stolen. It appears as if the Indonesian government is investing heavily in developing tourism there, so soon there are likely to be too many tourists, too much traffic, and all kinds of soulless touts roaming the streets. But for our short week, it was a wonderful way to end 4 weeks of wandering. We did two more nights in Surabaya, the second-city of Java, before we said goodbye to each other. It was an unwelcome return to the grossness of Java, but there are charms in the Old Town, the Chinatown and the Arab Quarter. It was not pleasant to say goodbye. It made me feel like I was going back into custody. But I have fond memories and many pics to remind me that it did happen and was a refreshing interlude during an otherwise difficult slog. My second semester has started with one class all my own, and nothing of any other consequence in my schedule. That means, three hours of class per week, plus prep and grading. I will have even more free-time than the first semester, when I tried to ingratiate myself and make things work. Now, I know that I am truly not wanted or needed and I have no trouble accepting that. The trouble is finding ways to spend my time. I'm making plans with my brother and a friend to come in March for a few weeks. And I'm also planning time in June/July with our elder son. And planning is fun! There is so much more to Indonesia than my little experience here in Malang. I will take long weekend trips, both locally and further afield. Next week, I go to Bangkok for my program's mid-year meetings. So the time will pass, and then I'll be back in the States, wondering whether I want to go back into the Academic Writing classroom to compete with AI Chatbots. Welcome to 2023!

[aiekerman]

Easy pt2 - Eren Jaeger

Eren Jaeger x Reader - fluff

Pt.1

AN - Okay so a couple people asked so I finally wrote it put here’s part 2! I realise you can kinda read it by itself? But reading the first part will give better context. Honestly I wish I could write NSFW to end this off but I’m so bad at it. Maybe one day lol. Also I’m trying to keep my reader as gender neutral as possible, but please let me know if there’s anywhere I can improve!

I’ve titled it the same for continuity sake, but song vibes for this is We Belong by Dove Cameron. 

Content Warnings - Alcohol, swearing (I apologise if I miss anything here but I know these would be the main two)

Summary - Two idiots in love attend the end of semester party and despite attempts to not end up together, they struggle to keep swallowing down their feelings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jean’s house is filled with over-zealous college students, dropping all their inhibitions at the door after finishing finals. 

You were included in that classification. Having made a bee-line for the kitchen and immediately filled a cup with your drink of choice.

That was three hours ago now and the buzz of alcohol is felt all over. You wander from the bathroom after fixing yourself up, not that much could be done in your current state. Hair frizzing like a tumbleweed. The overshirt you’d arrived in was now secured around your waist to fight the heat of the house, leaving your top half in a tank top.

Moving to allow the next person into the bathroom you wander into the crowd, eyes scanning for one of your friends.

Across the room you spot the back of Eren’s head, confident it was him despite your tipsy state from the sight of his brown hair scraped back in a bun.

Just as you push your body forward to go over to him a hand wraps around your wrist and tugs you in the direction of the kitchen. Your head snapped over to the body pulling you along and see that it’s the party host himself.

‘Y/N, c’mon, shots!’ Jean’s words are short and to the point, the effort required to be heard over the music making for terse conversations.

Your hazy brain immediately forgets your plan to say hi to Eren and smile after Jean, letting him lead you to the alcohol.

His kitchen features a small island, which for the night seemingly doubles as a bar. The entire surface is spread with various bottles and mixers and cups. As he pulls you up to it his eyes are scanning the selection, ‘What are we feeling? Tequila?’

Your face pulls into a grimace and your head shakes fervently. Instead you choose to reach for the fireball whiskey, the thought of the cinnamon taste much more appealing.

Jean rolls his eyes, but reaches for two shot glasses regardless, ‘Pussy.’

‘Excuse me for wanting to drink something that actually tastes good. You know how bad I gag on tequila.’

Jean leans down to your ear to avoid having to yell as he speaks, ‘Keep your voice down, I think Bertolt might get hard just hearing you talk about gagging.’

Your eyes widen at his words, and your eyes swing around the kitchen, landing on Bertolt who is leant against the refrigerator. His eyes are glancing at you, and you see his face turn red when you catch his eyes. He lifts his cup in greeting and you give back a small wave.

Eren’s words from a few weeks ago echo in your brain, but you mentally shake it off as Jean hands you your shot. After a small tap of the glasses in cheer with him you drop your head back to drink. The liquid gives a warm burn down the back of your throat, and you smile at Jean as he scrunches up his nose.

‘Shut up it’s so good.’

As Jean opens his mouth to retaliate, you feel an arm slide around your waist, and a hand comes up to cover your eyes. A familiar voice floats to your ear, ‘I know I am but what are you?’ 

You giggle and attempt to wiggle from the grasp but the arm secures more tightly. ‘Guess who?’

‘What do I get if I win?’

‘You get to do a shot with me.’

‘And if I lose?’

‘You have to do a shot with me.’

‘Wow, talk about peer pressure, Eren.’ 

His arms release you and one comes up to rest over your shoulder. You twist to look up at him, his green eyes are hazy, clearly affected by the alcohol himself. His smile is almost childlike as he beams down at you, ‘Hey.’

‘Hey you,’ you giggle back, wrapping an arm around his back. 

The two of you always leant on the affectionate side, hip bumps and head resting on shoulders never amiss. But when alcohol got involved, you were verging on touchy. 

He drops a kiss to the top of your head and reaches to pour three more shots, sliding one to Jean who thanks him, knocks it back and then wanders off again.

You lift the small glass and laugh as he wraps his free arm around yours, elbows hooked together as you both down the drink. You both erupt in giggles as you push up onto your toes slightly to reach his height and access your shot without spilling it completely. 

Dropping the empty cups down he moves his arm from your shoulder to rest on your lower back. 

‘You talked to Bertolt yet?’

‘I waved to him but haven’t talked to him.’

‘Well what are you waiting for?!’

‘How do you even know he wants to sleep with me?’

His eyebrows furrow and he steps back to look you over, ‘Why wouldn’t he?’

You shove at his shoulder and step back, reaching for a glass of water. Pouring one for Eren as well, which he accepts with a smile.

The two of you worked in sync throughout parties, despite spending half the night apart. But when one of you went out for fresh air chances are the other would be close behind, not even on purpose. So when you knew you needed some water it was only automatic to get one for him too. There was almost a sixth sense between you.

You start sipping at the water, attempting to balance out from the last two shots that were hitting you quick. From your peripheral you notice Bertolt’s tall frame head towards the back door. Your eyes quickly turn back to Eren who is smiling across the room at a girl you don’t recognise. 

‘What happened to just chilling for the night?’

‘Flirting is just chilling. We flirt.’

You internally sigh, flexing your jaw slightly at his words.

‘That is not the same.’

You breathe deep to rid yourself of the strange feeling bubbling in your stomach. 

What have I got to lose?

‘Hey I’m gonna head outside for some air.’

‘Oh cool, I’ll come with you. It is pretty stuffy in here.’

‘No, Eren.’

‘What?’ 

You feel your stomach drop at the kicked puppy expression that overtakes his face. Scrambling to correct your harsh tone, ‘I think I saw Bertolt head out that way.’

This time his face is overtaken by the cheekiest grin he can muster. His hip bumps against your’s and his hand reaches up to pinch your cheek. You swat his hand away and nod over to the girl, ‘Go get ‘em tiger.’ 

He rolls his eyes, pushing at your shoulder once more, nudging you in the direction of the back door, ‘Look who’s talking.’

Stepping outside the cold air bites at your cheek and you quickly untie your overshirt and slip it on, eyes glancing around for Bertolt in the process.

The garden has a few bodies lingering around, most being people outside for cigarette breaks, one girl in the corner losing her last few drinks.

You spot Bertolt sitting on a bench, scrolling through his phone. Sucking in a breath you remind yourself why the hell not? One last time before making your way over to him.

‘Hey, how’s your night going?’ You drop down onto the bench next to him, close enough for his knee to brush against your’s.

‘Hi Y/N, I’m having an alright night.’ He smiles warmly back. Returning the gesture you glance over his face, he was cute enough. But something in the pit of your stomach has reservations, you chose to push it down further.

‘Better now I just got here?’ You nudge his knee with your own and he laughs, giving a small nod. You let out a sigh, maybe your flirting skills weren’t entirely dead.

You begin to think of your next witty remark when he speaks again, ‘Although I’m shocked Jaeger let you out of his sight.’

‘What?’ You felt as though a brick had just hit you across the face. The feeling in your stomach came flooding back up. Now very aware of the tingling across your skin where Eren had been holding you only minutes ago. Your shoulder, your waist, your cheek. 

It was just the alcohol. Yeah, that was it.

‘Please, you aren’t that drunk are you?’

You force out a laugh. But your eyes still clearly read confusion. He tilts his head, his smile almost apologetic.

‘You’re really fooling yourself that hard?’

‘If you’re trying to suggest that Eren and I are a thing then you are the drunk one here.’

‘I’m not saying you guys are a thing, but you’re clearly in love with each other.’

‘Shut up,’ you swear it’s the weakest your voice has ever sounded. Your head turns when you hear the sound of his voice floating out the back door, and you see his figure in the kitchen window as he brazenly flirted.

‘He’s just my best friend.’ You mumble out as you turn your head back to Bertolt, who’s raised his eyebrows.

‘Best friend’s are in love all the time. It’s often the best foundation for a relationship.’

‘If this is just some elaborate way of saying you don’t want to get with me, you can just say it. I’m a big girl. I'll live.

‘Y/N, you’re gorgeous. Under any other circumstances I would be honoured to be your hook up for the evening. But I’m also a hopeless romantic, and I’m not gonna get in the way of you two.’

‘It was his idea for me to talk to you tonight.’

‘His way of stopping himself from trying it with you. Haven’t you guys already hooked up before?’

‘Uh, not really. We don’t talk about that though. Like it never happened.’

‘You and Eren, two of the biggest clowns on campus when you’re together. And you never make jokes about how you almost hooked up?’

Your brain goes blank. You didn’t talk about it. You also didn’t talk about why you didn’t talk about it. It was just an unspoken rule, and you don’t even remember when you both decided it. You tried not to even think about it. Eren was your best friend. That was all.

‘I-’

‘Hey, look I’m sorry if I’ve upset you at all. But I mean, I don’t know if anyone talks about it. But they definitely all think it. You’re Jaeger’s. And he’s yours. Even if it’s not really official.

Your mouth opens and closes for something to say. But your head is empty, except for flashes of memories.

You and Eren, half undressed and laying bed together. Giggling like idiots. Trying to stop laughing for five minutes so you could actually have sex. 

‘How about we go grab another drink?’

He takes your hand lightly and leads you inside, back to the kitchen island of alcohol.

You grab for a random bottle, looking like some kind of rum? And pour a measure - or three - into a red cup. You smile up at Bertolt who’s mixed his own drink and cheers.

As you lift the cup to your mouth you glance Eren and the girl, her hand resting on his forearm as she giggles. Without thinking you down the full cup, immediately regretting the action as it burns down your throat.

‘Woah, you okay?’ Bertolt’s eyes wide as he takes in your scrunched up face.

‘Yeah, I think I might call it a night.’

‘I’m sorry again, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.’

‘It’s fine. I probably needed to hear it. I’ll be honest I start to think it all the time. Then I just shove down the feeling. Thank you, Bertolt.’

‘Have a good summer, Y/N.’ He leans in for a one armed hug and you reciprocate. Smiling and thinking to yourself that he was a sweet boy, but apparently you were already unofficially taken.

He gives a pat to your shoulder before moving off. You stare off ahead, thoughts swimming more wildly as the last drink hits you. 

Eren spots your pained expression and immediately, but politely, leaves the girl and takes the distance in two strides to reach you, his hands gripping your shoulders.

You jump at the contact, breath catching as you look up and meet his green eyes. Heart pounding harder at their intensity.

‘What’s wrong, did Bertolt do something?’ 

It takes all your sober brain cells to keep your eyes from his lips, but once you register his words you shake your head and furrow your eyebrows.

‘No, no he was fine. I, uh, think I’m gonna head home. I could use a lay down.’

‘Oh okay. I can go find our jackets if you wanna say bye to Jean for us?’

Your face heats up at the immediacy in his reaction to leave with you. He did it all the time, but it was now in your head that it had underlying meaning.

‘I’ll be fine, you stay. I only live two buildings over, idiot.’ Your words are half-hearted as you watch his expression sour slightly.

‘Shut up. When have I ever let you walk home alone this late, or when you’re this drunk?’

You drop your head, head not in the frame to argue with him. Turning on your heels you mumble back, ‘I’ll find Jean.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You giggle as you manage to finally get your key in the door and push it open, finally managing to shrug Eren off your shoulders.

He’d spent the walk draped over your back, waddling behind you with his legs spread wide, making sure to not catch your feet and send you both tumbling.

Now though he pushed off his shoes, and confidently strolled to your kitchen. He knew exactly where your cups were kept, along with a bag of chips with the intention of sobering you both up to save the hangover tomorrow.

Your eyes took him in as he made his way about the kitchen, pouring glasses of water filling a bowl with chips.

It was all the alcohol’s fault, you kept telling yourself. It was the alcohol that kept flashing images of that night through your brain. And why you felt a stirring of butterflies in your stomach as he flopped onto the couch and spread an arm out, gesturing for you to tuck yourself into his side.

It was all so easy with the two of you. Or at least it had been until the idea of how you could possibly be hopelessly devoted to each other was thrust from the deep recesses of your brain.

‘Why don’t we talk about it?’

He glances up from shoving a handful of chips in his mouth, raising his eyebrows in question.

You repeat your statement.

He scrunches up his face, realising what you mean. Swallowing his food, he shrugs. ‘I don’t know, cause we just don’t.’

Thinking for a moment you reach into your jeans pocket, fishing out a ten dollar bill. 

Striding across the room you pull out his palm and place the money in his hand.

‘I wanna talk about it.’

His face falls slightly when he realises how serious you are, his eyes trained on his outstretched palm.

‘Why?’ His voice is dangerously quiet.

You falter, your mouth is running ten miles ahead of your brain and it was running out of steam as the reality of the territory you were stepping on hit you.

You start to speak, much less confident than before, ‘Cause it’s weird. We joke about everything. But we can’t even so much as mention it.’

‘Why does it matter? It’s been over a year and you wanna talk about it now?’

‘Yeah.’ Eren stands, his eyes never leaving yours. The tension filling the room was suffocating, your neck burning up under his stare.

‘But why?’

‘Because we should talk about it. It’s not healthy for our friendship to just pretend it never happened.’

Your stomach is twisting in knots in nervousness and regret for opening your mouth. But your chest has a burn of frustration for his attempts to avoid the subject.

‘We’ve gotten this far just fine. Why now?’

‘God fucking christ, Eren. Because I love you!’

You freeze. Bold running cold as you choke. Hands slapping up to cover your mouth, for fear of any more impromptu confessions slipping out.

Tears immediately start to fill your eyes, although you’re unsure why.

Eren is staring, open mouthed. His face is flushing red, thoughts firing off as he processed your words. His voice is suddenly much softer.

‘You know, I don’t believe in love at first sight,’ he steps toward you, ‘and I still don’t. But the first time I made you laugh. I don’t think I’ve ever felt my insides light up so fast.’

He’s right in front of you now, pushing your arms away from your face so that his hands can cup it. Your breathing quickens.

‘Just every happy receptor going off. And I knew I never wanted to stop making you laugh for the rest of my life. We didn’t have sex that night cause I just had to keep hearing that giggle.’

A tear slips out of your eye, but it’s quickly wiped off with his thumb.

‘And when I woke up sober the next morning, I got so fucking scared that I’d mess it up if we were together, and that I couldn’t hear you laugh anymore. So I shoved it all down.’

His chest is a breath away from yours, this time you can’t stop your eyes looking to his lips. 

You think to yourself I’ve kissed Eren before. We’re literally talking about the time we kissed. Why am I so nervous?

His voice, breathy and hushed brings you back from your thoughts.

‘Y/N.’

‘Eren?’

‘I love you.’

‘Really?’

His forehead falls against yours as a laugh escapes him, shaking his head before pressing his warm lips to yours. Your arms are like magnets to wrap around his neck and drag him impossibly closer.

And just like always you fall in sync, jumping into his arms as they wrap around your thighs.

A giggle escapes you as he carries you off towards your bedroom. Eren’s insides light up again, like the first time, like every time.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Hi, Rachel! I was wondering if you’ve written anything that you’re especially proud of recently. It doesn’t have to have been published. Love your YouTube videos! :)

First, thank you for sending this question! <3 I've been going through a hard time lately with finals season and missing home, so this is just a really nice message to receive!

I have written a couple things I'm really proud of! I guess this isn't technically recent, but last semester I polished up my short story Phantom State (used to be Phantom Limbs in D Minor then just Phantom Limbs and now it's Phantom State) and it's my favourite short story I've ever written, I think. For some backstory, PS was one of the very first short stories I wrote. I started it in grade 12, and it took me a very long time to actually complete a first draft (a year) which is a long time for someone who usually drafts my stories in one sitting. I actually vlogged this process HERE! While I was happy to complete the draft, the story was so far from being finished, haha. That draft was such a pieced-together mess of the year it took to write it, though the foundation of the story was there. Flash forward to working on the story with CPs, etc, I thought the draft was in a good place, and submitted it to a couple magazines before re-reading it last summer and just not liking it.

I decided to workshop it for my fiction workshop this year and I’m so happy I did because it really forced me to edit the story before I submitted it. SO MUCH labour went into bringing the draft into workshop, even though the changes were small (the smaller changes I find can be the most difficult). I’m forever going to keep my prof’s editorial letter for this story, lol, it means a lot to me. Idk, working on something for so many years on so many drafts (which is unusual for my short fiction process) and then FINALLY finishing it was such a magnificent feat. This story took me from age 17-20 to complete! My magnum opus, lol. The characters, especially our narrator, Linda, mean a lot to me. I don’t usually feel attached to my short fiction characters at all, but Linda feels like my baby! I was thinking of adapting this story into a novel for that reason.

In other news, I WROTE A REAL NOVEL OPENING!!!! I hate to say the Fostered books don’t feel like real novels, and absolutely not to discredit my own work because my work is great in those books, I just haven’t written a non-Fostered novel opening since, I think I’m Disappointed (omg)?? Anyway, if any of y’all were here for The Sun Only Drowns Us hype that happened in April 2020 before the project intimidated me so badly that I fled into writing Feeding Habits out of fear (lmfao), then y’all know what this book is about! Here’s the summary (it might be a bit outdated):

The summer the sun turns poisonous, 15-year-old Eva commits to living off-the-grid with her neighbour Lillian Radoccia and her children, Charlie, Vera, and Jack. Lillian is convinced the sun is an evil, poisonous force that drives people to their ultimate deaths, so to protect herself and her family, she swaps her bustling life in a small British Columbia town, for a secluded life on a desolate island. They settle at a remote cabin where they only live at night, which Eva is thrilled about at first, having come from an emotionally absent household, though she quickly realizes something is not right when Lillian’s only daughter, Vera, turns up dead shortly after her sixteenth birthday. Coupled with Lillian’s increasingly peculiar relationship with eldest son, Charlie, Eva’s new life as an honorary Radoccia child begins having more consequences than benefits.

I never finished the novel opening back then because I got so intimidated by the retrospective timeline where the narrator dips back in time during flashbacks. I am honestly short-storied out right now, and really felt nauseated by the idea of having to write another short story for workshop (literally nauseated, like I can’t do short fiction for another couple months lol!), so I chose to do a novel opening for my second submission this term as a change. I discovered the sort of apparated pieces of this opening and absolutely fell in love with the writing (2020 Rachel was SO GOOD at detail!!!) and the characters all over again. I’m very happy I never finished the opening back in 2020, because truthfully, I was not skilled enough to play with the timeline back then, which the chapter needed. 2022 Rachel was legit STRUGGLING through figuring out the timeline myself, and I think I finally fixed it?? I know there’s a writing vlog where I talk about this struggle... I can’t remember which one but oh god, I was so thrilled to have finished the chapter! Honestly, this is the biggest thing in my writing career that has happened in a very long time, because I’m debilitated by novel openings. They terrify me so much to the point where I cannot write (y’all don’t even know--I actually restarted writing the opening of Houses With Teeth for this workshop, another book I fear-quit, but then also fear-quit that LOL), so I was so relieved that this opening worked out.

I want to make a video reading some of the writing I’m really proud of recently (unfortunately no short fiction or poems that I want to get published but lots of novel stuff) so this ask also comes at the perfect time!

Anyway, this was fun! If anyone wants to learn more about these projects or want to read some excerpts, lmk...!!!

[seokmingiggles]

65 song lyric prompts. (+ requests are now open!)

Happy three-month anniversary of me posting my first fic! To celebrate, I’ve decided to re-open my requests! This time, I’m opening requests for drabbles only (so I’ll be writing for pieces approximately 0.5-2k in length). As I am still in the middle of my semester, I do not want to have longer requests on the back burner to worry about (and I have far too many wips, too... remind me why I’m doing this again?).

Something else that I’m doing differently this time around is supplying some potential prompts to include with your desired member (or group if you’d like a surprise pairing; I enjoy doing that, too!). I will mention that the lyrics listed below are entirely optional to include in your request.

If you do decide to include a lyric in your request, I will either use it directly in your story or as a concept to determine the overall tone of the fic. (What I mean is, don’t be surprised if your chosen song lyric isn’t explicitly mentioned in your requested piece!)

The lyrics listed below are a blend of fluff and angst; feel free to include a specific genre in your request, too, if you’d like! And this is a friendly reminder that I won’t write anything regarding incredibly sensitive topics or NSFW. Here is my request faq page if you’d like a refresher!

(Lastly, here’s a quick shoutout to @woozisnoots​ for supplying me with the last three song lyrics on this list. Thanks again, Alex!)

"Those three words now are home." Broods; Four Walls.

"Come and kiss me slow." Niki; Spell.

"You'll be my best friend until we grow old." Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler; this is how you fall in love.

"So pull me tight and close your eyes." Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler; this is how you fall in love.

"I want to embrace you like I did then." Seventeen; Habit.

"I want things like they were before." 88rising, Niki, Phum Viphurit; Strange Land.

"The starlight of the day we saw together." Tomorrow x Together; Magic Island.

"The smile that you gave me." Billie Eilish; i love you.

"There's nothing stopping you from leaving." EDEN; love, death, distraction.

"Hold my breath another minute." The Japanese House; Lilo.

"Every move was just habitual." The Japanese House; Lilo.

"I keep looking for something even though I know that it's not there." The Japanese House; Maybe You're the Reason.

"We don't touch anymore." The Japanese House; We Talk all the Time.

"And all the ideas, and the hope I'd never ask him for, I'll throw them away." dodie; Cool Girl.

"And I'm kissing pillow lips, drunk off saccharine potions." Niki; Pandemonium.

"I won’t take you for granted because you loved me as I am." Seventeen; Fallin' Flower.

"I met you, and I realized that everything has a reason." Seventeen; Fallin' Flower.

"In my heart, it’s only you." Seventeen; Thanks.

"I'll disconnect and keep the heart safe; I replicate emotion." Chase Atlantic; LOVE IS (NOT) EASY.

"I remember your eyes in the moonlight, but I only get to see you in my mind." Daniel Schultz; Bad Company.

"Those little curls on the back of his head bouncing as he steps out of my life, forever." Tom Misch; Movie.

“Two lovers in this mystic dream.” Tom Misch; Movie.

“But would you realize what you meant to me, or was it mystery?” Tom Misch; Movie.

"But when I reach for you, there's just a supercut." Lorde, Supercut.

"In the starlight so blue, remember evenings so yellow." Miles Cameron; Caged Bird.

"I no longer dream of you, but your shirt's still in my dresser." Miles Cameron; Caged Bird.

"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new." Arctic Monkeys; Do I Wanna Know?

"Thanks for listening to me out of pity." Gallant, Panasonic.

"Say what you want, but I've seen a million faces, and not even one can compete with watching you." Gallant, Céline.

"You are the sunlight that rose again in my life." BTS; Euphoria.

"When you called me, I became your flower." BTS; Serendipity.

"You're something like an angel; you do something to my mind." Pink Sweat$ (feat. Joshua & DK of SEVENTEEN); 17.

"I find solace riding in your front seat ‘till morning." Dizzy; Joshua.

"Think about your lips and the way they kiss; there's so much I really miss about you." Sam Smith; For the Lover That I Lost.

"Guess we'll never know all the beautiful things we could be." Sam Smith; Forgive Myself.

“I love that it's not hard to be in a place where laughing's easy.” Still Woozy; Goodie Bag.

"We don't need much outside of us, do we?" Lauv, Alessia Cara; Canada.

"The way I feel and the way we kiss, swear that nothing else in the world exists." Lauv; Invisible Things.

"Close your eyes; if you're tired, lean on me for a second." TAEMIN, WENDY; Be Your Enemy.

"And I know I like to draw that line when it starts to get too real." Troye Sivan; Talk Me Down.

"Just like the tall sky, the chilly wind, the vast ocean, you’ve become a part of the scenery that I take for granted." Seventeen; Smile Flower.

"We mess around, and laugh too loud, and make the sounds we try to hide when people are around." Conan Gray; Comfort Crowd.

"Flowers bloom even in the falling rain." Hwasa; LMM.

"Will I get to you a little faster if I was the snow in the air?" BTS; Spring Day.

"Wait a little bit, just a few more nights; I’ll be there to see you." BTS; Spring Day.

"But we're the greatest they'll hang us in the Louvre." Lorde; The Louvre.

"You asked for my heart, but I didn't know where to start." The Weeknd; Nothing Compares.

"And I know you don't love me so, but please say it once before I go." Matt Maltese; Even If It's a Lie.

“I hope it’s you they put me in the ground by.” Niki; Around.

"Collecting my thoughts just to keep them on inside." Thomston; April.

"I'm surprised when you kiss me." King Princess; 1950.

“You’re beautiful, that’s what you are, and I still don’t know how we fell in love.” Jeremy Zucker; orchid.

“I ask you just to hold me, hold me tightly, hold my body.” Wet, Body.

“I will lay down by your side; I will keep an open eye while you stare into the Sun.” Jeremy Zucker; hell or flying.

“Listen carefully, winter; you made me bloom. Now I will send forth my blue aroma with my branches; I'll show you that there's another sky.” Younha, RM; WINTER FLOWER.

“Some things stay, and some things fade.” Rei Brown; Wouldn’t It Be Great.

“I find her silhouette dances in the corners of my mind.” Rei Brown; Wouldn’t It Be Great.

“And in spite of it all, you’re still my everything.” Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler; emily.

“So do your worst to me.” Bruno Major; Just The Same.

“I don't need to take your heart; you keep yours, I'll keep mine.” Niki; Lose.

“I'm brittle at the parts where I wish I were strong.” Niki; Lose.

“Inside my blue dream, I want to hold you even if you say we can't.” J-Hope; Blue Side (Outro). 

“Heaven is in reach; does your heart skip a beat when I'm gone?” PARADISE RISING, Fern; Kaori.

“Sometimes is just sometimes, and you know, sometimes never stays.” khai dreams; Sandals.

“I only feel alive when I’m breathing in your air.” pretty havoc; goddess.

[markonasurface]

20/50 - “It’s 8:30, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.”

Fandom: All for the Game/The Foxhole Court Characters/pairings: Jean, Jeremy/jerejean Summary: Jean and Jeremy tag along on the Foxes’ spring break trip. A/N: This has taken me too long to finish. I think I started it two years ago. I almost forgot to use the quote prompt.

Warnings: implied past abuse

“Kevin invited you to the Foxes’ spring break trip?” Jean asked, eyebrows high.

Jeremy barely glanced up from the text he was studying. “Mm.”

“Are you going?” Jean pressed.

“Are you?” Jeremy snapped.

Jean flinched and Jeremy’s mouth dropped open. “I’m sorry.” He finally put his studying materials down and turned to face Jean. “I didn’t mean to snap. I just - last semester, you know?”

“Yes,” Jean said, even though he didn’t. He felt the heat in his cheeks and internally cursed himself for not being able to control his reactions. Riko used to love to make him flinch. It was at one point worth the beatings for not giving him the satisfactory.

“So, are you going?” Jeremy asked, back to his normal self if a bit exhausted.

He bit the inside of his cheek and stayed completely still. It was hard being around Kevin but it might be nice. Kevin did whatever Riko told him to do but Kevin wasn’t cruel. He had learned from his therapist that he didn’t miss Evermore; he missed the familiarity of it. Kevin could give him a bit of what he thought to be normalcy.

“Jean?” Jeremy said quietly, patiently.

Jean looked up to meet his eyes. “I - yes.”

“You’ll have to give Kevin my regards,” Jeremy said and turned back to his text.

“You aren’t going?” Jean didn’t know if he was relieved.

“I should really study,” Jeremy sighed.

Their bedroom door opened and Jean jumped.

“Y’all left your door unlocked.” Laila fell onto Jeremy’s bed. “And you’re going to spend your last spring break studying? Come on, Jer.”

“Fuck off, Laila,” he said.

She nudged his chair with her foot. “I bet those Foxes get fucking crazy. I wish I’d been invited.”

“Take my invitation.”

Laila took a loud breath. “Mama Alvarez would have a cow if we bailed on her family trip.”

“If you don’t come they’ll probably stick me in a room with Hemmick,” Jean said.

“You could use the brea-eak,” she sang. “Also, see if they’ve picked up any new moves for finals.”

“Laila.”

She held up her hands in a placating gesture. “I’m kidding. Go. Have fun. Or you’ll burn yourself out and have to come back in the fall.”

Day 1

“An island? Seriously?” Thea stood with her arms crossed over her chest.

Kevin shrugged.

“I thought we were just flying somewhere tropical,” Jeremy added.

“Why are you all looking at me?” Allison demanded. “Neil’s the one who paid for this trip.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Neil said. “I recently came into some money.”

Jeremy sighed. “Right. N.B.D. I just rented an island.”

“Follow me.” A man in khakis and a polo shirt motioned for them. He had introduced himself as Frank as they boarded the small plane that brought them to their rented island.

It was a short walk through some trees and a large house came into view. There were gasps and one of the freshmen from the team said, “No fucking way.”

“Dude, how much did this cost?” Matt asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Neil said, leading the way through the gate.

They walked past the pool and its fountains, up some stairs and through double doors. As they all stood in the foyer,  Frank smiled and said, “Right. Everything’s stocked. I’ll be back at the end of the week. If you need anything, call the number on the refrigerator.”

Neil handed the man a cash tip and thanked him.

Allison looked around at everyone. “There are ten rooms. Neil gets first pick, losers.”

“You mean Andrew,” Jack mocked.

It was quiet for a moment then at once everyone raced to find a room. Jean looked at Jeremy and said, “They’re fucking crazy.”

Jeremy laughed as they heard Dan yell, “I’m your damn captain!”

They followed the shouting and as they turned a corner Jeremy ran into Renee. They both apologized, looking like literal sunshine and Jean bit his lip.

“They’re the guests.” Allison was staring down one of her teammates. “They get the room next to ours.”

Jeremy realized she was talking about them and opened his mouth. Renee shook her head, a warning in her eyes. Someone stomped by and Allison grinned.

“Welcome to the third nicest - who am I kidding? - the fourth nicest room on this island!” She gestured grandly. “And that’s saying something.”

Nicky popped his head in. “Fifth nicest. Andrew and Neil gave up the first nicest so they have the second nicest, Dan and Matt have the third nicest, and you have the fourth nicest.”

Before Allison could demand to know who got the glass room on top if it wasn’t Dan and Matt, Nicky ran off.

Jeremy looked as if he suddenly remembered something. “Did you two wanna share? I can room with Nicky or whoever.”

Allison cackled. She left the room.

“We’re not -” Jean started.

“We were never dating,” Renee said.

Jeremy’s eyes were wide. “Oh, I’m sorry. I just assumed and uh, forget I said anything.”

Renee smiled kindly and backed out of the room. Jeremy looked at Jean who was staring at the one bed in the middle of the room.

“I can still room with Nicky if you’re not comfortable sharing,” he said.

Jean swallowed. “It’s fine.” He managed a small smile and said, “We share every other day of the year.”

After they unpacked, everyone seemed to congregate by the pool. Nicky and Andrew were situated behind the bar and Neil was perched on top, but everyone else was already swimming.

Jean glanced around nervously. Since joining the Trojans, he’d become a lot more self-conscious about the state of his body.

“You can leave your shirt on.” The voice startled him and he looked up at Neil, then glanced to see if Jeremy had heard as well. Then he realized Neil was speaking in his native tongue. “But nobody cares.”

Andrew spoke. “Ignore the freshmen. They’re idiots.”

“Where’s Kevin?” Jeremy asked, coming to sit at the bar.

“Fucking Thea,” a girl said, joining them. “I saw her take his shirt off but then they moved away from the glass.”

Aaron grabbed a tray of drinks from Nicky and sneered, “Do you have to be such a perve, Sheena?”

She stuck her tongue out at him, snagging a drink and flicking her wet hair at him.

“Like, Andrew said,” Nicky stated. “The freshmen are idiots.”

He mimicked Sheena’s face, nose scrunched and eyes narrowed, then asked, “What can I make for you?”

“Something that’ll make me forget I have my last midterm when we get back,” Jeremy grimaced. “Who gives a midterm after spring break?”

“I got just the drink for you.”

The sound of the blender going again cut off conversation. Sheena left to play chicken with her friends and Renee called Jean over.

“Don’t break anything!” Dan called from where she was laying out with Allison and Renee as Jean joined them.

“Here you go.” Nicky handed him a glass.

Jeremy held the drink up and studied it. “Are those silver stars?”

“Edible silver stars.”

Aaron came back with a tray in one hand and a girl’s hand in the other and said, “Nicky has to make everything gay.”

The girl hit his arm lightly with the back of her hand. She looked at Jeremy and held out a hand. “Katelyn.”

“Jeremy,” Jeremy said and shook.

“I made you both the same,” Nicky said, handing two more glasses over the bar.

“On three?” Katelyn suggested. “One. Two. Three.”

Everyone who had a drink took a large sip and more than one of them sputtered. “What the fuck is this?” Aaron gasped. “Did you just add ice and stars?”

Nicky shrugged. “Make your own damn drinks if you don’t like it.” He hopped over the bar and ran for the pool.

“You’re drinking this?” Aaron asked in disbelief and Jeremy turned to see Neil gulping it down.

After one large sip, Jeremy was already starting to feel warm. He took another sip, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. When he opened them he saw Renee running her hand down Jean’s bare back. How many times had Jeremy wanted to do the same?

He shook his head. He was such a lightweight. He’d never been one to party hard but he knew how to hold his liquor. The last year he’d spent more time studying and less and less time drinking and his tolerance was down. Clearly.

Day 2

By the second night, Jeremy was starting to realize the Foxes weren’t so different from any other college sports team if you took away the tragic backstories. Yeah, Jeremy would stick out if they all sat around and compared histories but - surprise, surprise - there wasn’t much talk about that.

Allison banned any talk of Exy and if she ever saw Neil and Kevin together she’d cock a brow and put her hands on her hips. Kevin would flip her off and she’d leave with a, “Fuck you. There are rules for a reason.”

It was making him miss his own team - the way they all fit together even when they shouldn’t.

Jean was there, but if anything he was part of the Kevin/Thea/Jean Former Ravens group or the Kevin-Neil-Jean-I-Was-Abused-By-Riko-Moriyama-and-Marked-For-His-Perfect-Court group.

He was different from a year ago when he’d first joined the Trojans but he still had his rough edges and hangups. And Jeremy saw it all.

Whether someone tapped his arm lightly without warning, or when he was flinching awake from a nightmare, Jeremy was there, trying to think of a way to calm Jean down without overstepping.

Jeremy had promised Laila he’d enjoy his spring break and be involved in all the fun things the Foxes did. Jeremy didn’t break promises. That’s why it was two in the morning and he was just starting to work on a study guide problem he’d left at five AM yesterday morning.

He groaned. Shots before homework wasn’t working for him.

“Jer,” Jean said, voice hoarse. “Come to bed.”

In his sluggish alcohol influenced state of mind, he almost thought Jean was asking him to come to his bed. His face flushed as he thought, What if Jean could read my mind and saw that?

He cleared his throat. “Soon. I’ll go to bed soon. I just need to finish at least three problems first.” Who was he kidding? He’d be lucky if he finished one.

“Okay,” Jean breathed, turning over and promptly falling back to sleep.

That was something that had surprised Jeremy. The way Jean could just sleep. He had expected his distrust to keep him awake at night. He guessed when you were tortured and worked to the bone, you had to take the sleep where you could get it.

Jean looked so cozy and peaceful, Jeremy wanted to be cozy and peaceful. He made the mistake of putting his head down on the desk.

He bolted awake when tentative fingers touched his arm.

Day 3

Jean flinched and Jeremy took a deep breath. “Sorry, sorry.”

“The others are going for a hike,” Jean said quietly though he offered a smile. “Apparently there’s a waterfall. Do you want to come?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jeremy responded, yawning and stretching. When he looked back at Jean, Jean quickly averted his eyes.

“They’re meeting by the pool.”

Jean hurried out, closing the door behind him.

Jeremy stretched as he stood. There was a crick in his neck that was making him regret last night’s choices.

He picked up a shirt off the floor and sniffed it. What did it matter? They were gonna get sweaty on their hike. He tried to shove away the thought of what would Jean think and changed into the shirt.

“Jer-bear!” Nicky greeted him as he stepped outside.

He squinted at the sun. It was only eight in the morning but it was already too hot. Jeremy couldn’t wait to get to the waterfall.

As they approached the start of the trail, two figures raced down the hill toward them. Thea pushed Kevin and Kevin shouted, “Hey!”

The two of them passed the sign indicating which way to go around roughly the same time and immediately Jean said, “Thea.”

“No one asked,” Kevin said, panting, but he didn’t look upset. “Besides, she cheated.”

“Prove it,” Thea said, hands behind her head as she gulped air. 

“Rematch.”

Nicky said, “Neil would beat you both.”

“With those little legs?” Thea looked skeptical.

“Show ‘em, Neil.”

Neil shook his head. “I don’t feel like it.” He paused and looked at Andrew. “I don’t run anymore.”

The way he said it gave the words weight and Jeremy felt like he was missing something. Neil and Andrew’s teammates groaned and Andrew looked unimpressed.

“That was really sweet, Neil,” Matt said.

Neil winked at Matt and Andrew muttered something that had him grinning widely.

“If we’re done with the cheesefest ...” Allison stomped past everyone.

The waterfall was breathtaking. Jeremy couldn’t believe something could be so untouched by man.

“What took you guys so long?” Thea called as she dunked Neil under the water.

Despite what he’d said about not running anymore, Neil couldn’t resist Thea’s challenge and they’d run ahead of the group with Kevin.

As some of the others dived in, Jeremy’s eyes searched for Jean. He was leaning down so Renee could rub some sunscreen on his face. Jeremy tried to stuff down the jealousy bubbling in his chest.

This wasn’t him. He didn’t get jealous. Certainly not of one the nicest humans to ever exist touching his teammate who clearly didn’t mind. He was about to turn away when Jean pulled his shirt over his head.

And how could he have such negative feelings when Jean was so obviously enjoying his spring break? After the first day, Jean didn’t even hesitate in stripping down and letting the others see him shirtless. As his roommate, of course Jeremy had seen him without a shirt, but it had been months before his first reaction wasn’t to cover up his scars. In the locker rooms, he always changed as quickly as possible and usually with his locker open.

Here, with people who had trauma, too, and who didn’t bat an eye when Jean took his shirt off, he was able to stop thinking about it. It made Jeremy sad that he wasn’t able to give Jean that around their team.

Jean turned around and Jeremy tried to pretend he hadn’t been staring. When he stood in front of him, he asked, “You okay, Jer?”

Jeremy swallowed once. He felt his cheeks get hot but hoped his sunburn hid his blush. “Yeah, just, um, enjoying the view.” He inwardly groaned. Jean had seen him staring at him. He scratched his cheek.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Jean said. He clearly meant the trees and the water. Jeremy was both relieved and disappointed. “See you down there?”

“Yeah.”

Day 4

Jeremy put on his noise canceling headphones and opened his textbook. He had to get this reading done. He wouldn’t allow any more distractions until he finished.

Not even a sleepy looking Jean poking his head into their shared room.

He removed his headphones and gave him a questioning look.

“We’re putting on a movie. Wanna join?”

Jeremy sighed. “Can’t. I should have finished this chapter two days ago.” Jean bit his lip, then he closed the door. “What are you -?” He sat on the bed.

“I don’t really like movies that much.”

It was a lie. Jeremy knew it was a lie, but he wasn’t going to argue. He remembered the look of confusion on his face the first time he heard Jeremy ask what movie the rest of the team would like to watch. He gave Jean a small smile before putting his headphones back on.

An hour later, Jeremy was lying beside Jean, who was dozing, his head on an open book. His head lolled to the side and pressed into Jeremy’s arm.

Jeremy froze and tried to keep his breathing even.

His eyes followed the line of Jean’s jaw. He liked this side of Jean’s face best. It wasn’t tattooed and it had less scars. He still liked the other side of Jean’s face - he liked his whole face - it was just easier to not think about the circumstances that brought him to his team when he could only see the right half of Jean’s face.

Day 6

“No studying tonight!” Allison yelled.

“But -”

“Jean told us you study every night after we go to bed,” she said. “It’s your last night. Enjoy it!”

Jeremy shot a look over to Jean at the bar who - was smiling? He shrugged at Jeremy before tipping back a shot.

Allison had made a list and passed it around to anyone who wasn’t a freshman. Any time one of the freshmen said or did something on her list, the others had to do a shot.

From the looks of things, Nicky, Dan, and Matt had gotten an early start on the game. Allison whispered, “Don’t worry if you can’t remember who’s who. Just drink when the rest of us do.”

Jeremy looked around at the team, then into the pool with its night lights on and glowing balls floating on the surface.

Renee came over and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure no one drowns.”

When one of the freshmen girls made a pervy remark about Kevin, Nicky handed out shots. When one of the boys copped a feel off the girl and she pretended to be offended, he handed out two shots to every person. When a couple of the freshmen started making out, he got three shots - one for the act and two for the couple.

Things and time started to blur and Jeremy had no idea how much time had passed. They’d all eventually moved into the large house to get warm. Kevin and Thea had disappeared a while ago as had Aaron, Katelyn, and a few of the freshmen. Now Neil and Andrew were heading upstairs.

The music was loud, the lights looked brighter, and Jean was laughing. It almost made Jeremy smile, but then he realized he was laughing at something Renee had said. He wrapped an arm around her and leaned down so she could whisper something in his ear.

Jeremy left.

It was too difficult to watch and he didn’t want to say or do anything to embarrass himself. Allison grabbed his arm in the hallway and said, “You better not be going off to study!”

“No!” he shouted back. “I just need to lie down for a bit.”

Once he made it to his room and shut the door, it seemed uncomfortably quiet. He flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling as his eyes adjusted to the dark.

Jeremy was generally a positive person, but as he lay there, thoughts of Jean and Renee swirled around his mind. They said they weren’t dating. They said they’d never dated, but the whole week it was almost like they were a couple. They went everywhere together and partnered for every game.

He fell asleep, his mind seeped in jealousy and booze.

He woke up when Jean stumbled into the room, holding something in his hand. He vaguely registered music still pounding in the hallway.

“Hey, sorry,” Jean tried to whisper. “Everyone is asleep.”

“Okay?” Jeremy said.

“Renee made cookies.” He offered out his hand.

Jeremy might have sneered. “Of course she did. She’s amazing. She’s an amazing person. She’s an amazing goalie. I bet she’s an amazing girlfriend.” He was still drunk. It probably hadn’t been that long since he fell asleep.

Jean looked confused and timid. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Jeremy muttered, suddenly aware of how he must’ve come across.

“Are you jealous of Renee?” he asked, lips quirking.

Jeremy sighed and fell back on his pillows. “What? No ...” He looked over at Jean. “Okay, fine.”

Jean stepped closer and sat on the edge of the bed, looking over his shoulder at Jeremy. “Why?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, cheeks feeling hot.

“I’ve not been a good friend,” Jean said. “You’re just so friendly and easy going that I didn’t think you wanted me hanging around the whole week. And I figured Kevin would be taking up at least half your time.”

“That’s not - I mean -” Jeremy was at a loss for words.

“Then what is it?”

He threw an arm over his face, struggling to get a word out. 

“You guys are so close,” he finally said. “I guess I just want to be - close with you.”

“We’re roommates,” Jean said. “We are close. There’s no one I trust more.”

Jeremy sat up. “No, I’m gay.”

He shrugged. “Okay ... I figured -”

“I have these ... feelings ... for you ...” He knew his expression was pained and sad but he couldn’t help it. He had probably just ruined things between them.

“Why didn’t you just say that?” Jean asked as Jeremy’s head lowered and he shrugged. “I think I have ... feelings for you, too.”

Jeremy’s mouth fell open. “Really?”

Jean shrugged again, feeling self-conscious. “Yes. It’s why I’ve been hanging out with Renee so much this week - to get her advice about you.”

“I really want to kiss you,” he said in a rush. “I mean, if that’s okay.”

Jean held his breath, then nodded. Jeremy moved closer. Jean blurted, “I just - um, I need to set clear boundaries and I need you to respect them.”

“Of course,” Jeremy breathed. He watched as he bit his lip, looking like there was more he wanted to say. “Hey, it’s okay. You can set all the boundaries you need.”

Jean took a shaky breath. “I need you to take things slow,” he said, voice quiet. “I need you to be patient and not get mad if I can’t do - if I can’t -”

“Hey, Jean, you don’t need to do anything, alright?” Jeremy said. “You don’t need to explain yourself to me.” He reached out to take Jean’s hand but Jean flinched.

“I’m sorry, I -”

Jeremy held up his hand this time and slowly moved to grab Jean’s hand so he had time to move away if he wanted to.

“I’ve never - I don’t mean to flinch. It’s not you.” He lay down next to Jeremy and stared at the ceiling. Their arms were pressed together from their shoulders to their fingertips and after a minute, it started to feel comfortable. “I’ve talked about you in therapy because I wasn’t sure about what my feelings meant.”

He took long pauses between sentences but Jeremy didn’t dare to interject.

“Nothing that ever happened in my life ever was consensual.” Hard swallow. “Until you and the Trojans. I don’t know if I’m gay, honestly. I’m still figuring things out. Feeling anything confuses me. You’re the only person who offers something to me and lets me choose to accept it.”

“You noticed?” Jeremy was shocked.

“Of course I noticed. I was confused - at first - but it’s become everything to me. If this is too complicated I understand ... but I hope - I don’t know.” He sighed, frustrated with himself and everything leading up to this point that was making him unable to trust his own feelings.

Jeremy bit his lip. “I’m here. You’re worth the wait, Jean. I want to be the one you can figure things out with.”

Jean sat up. “What if - what if I’m wrong about this?” His voice was breathy and when Jeremy met his eyes, they were wet.

“Then we’ll stop and we’ll continue being friends.”

“I don’t even know if I can try.” Every fear seemed to be coming to the front of his mind. “What if I’m wasting your time?”

Jeremy sat up. “I don’t care. Can I hold your hand again?” Jean nodded. “If after everything, you decide you’re not gay, or you’re not into me, it will all be fine. I could never hold it against you. I care about you and nothing will ever stop me from caring about you.”

Jean’s gaze on his face was intense but Jeremy tried to keep an open expression. He meant what he said and he needed Jean to know that everything would be okay.

“Can I kiss you?”

Jeremy felt his eyebrows raise in surprise. “Please.”

Day 7

As they sat on the boat that would take them back to the mainland Jeremy couldn’t help the smile on his face. Jean was next to him, arm pressed right against his.

He looked behind him to where Neil and Andrew sat, space between them but hands linked on the seat. Andrew was looking off in the distance.

Jeremy opened his mouth to ask Neil a question when Andrew’s head snapped in his direction. “It’s 8:30, I have a hangover and you’re annoying me.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“That smile on your face is making my hangover worse.”

Jean turned around. “Get used to it.”

1 Kevin/Thea 2 Neil/Andrew 3 Dan/Matt 4 Allison/Renee 5 Jean/Jeremy 6 Aaron/Katelyn 7 2 freshmen 8 2 freshmen 9 2 freshmen 10 Nicky

[chocolateslatte]

Love on Island Time-Chapter 2

Chapter two (all the fluff you wanted)

Anne swatted a fly away from her arm as she leaned back against the fallen tree. Oh, how invigorating it was to be back in the woods, her woods that gave birth to the storyclub house. As much as she loved attending Queens with its endless library stacked to the brim with books, this serenity was missing from her life. The calm that was the essence of the island. She had woken up at the crack of dawn to assist Matthew with milking prejudice. Marilla had found her a couple of hours later and tsked her tongue as she saw her elbow-deep in a stack of hay. She was instructed to take the afternoon off chores on account of her just having finished a set of rather challenging exams. She had told Marilla that she would have a grand day with just her and her imagination. Of course, that is if her imagination was a handsome, black-haired boy. 

So here Anne was getting started on some light reading for the next semester as she waited for Gilbert to come to find her. Bash most likely needed a hand with the fence that had gotten damaged in the last storm, she thought disappointedly. She flipped another worn-out page. It was then she heard quiet footsteps coming from the other side of the clearing along with an upbeat humming. Gilbert had his sleeves rolled up today and was wearing his trusty newsboy cap. She had seen plenty of boys at Queens wearing them, but there was something so alluring in the nonchalant way this boy wore his. 

He dropped down on the grass next to her. So closely that you couldn’t slide her textbook between them. He handed her a small bouquet of wildflowers she hadn’t seen him carrying.

The petals were made of small white clusters, they were queen Anne’s lace. Before Gilbert, no one had ever brought her flowers before. She was the one that had been the flower gather in her family and amongst her friends. Anne had slowly become accustomed to being on the receiving end of a bouquet.  The first cornflowers Gilbert had brought her had caused her eyes to well up, much to Gilbert’s shock. He had thought he had offended her greatly and started apologizing profusely. She had to do some work to soothe his worries away.  They were both becoming familiar with these small, frequent declarations of love. It shocked her how each day made her heart swell further with this overwhelming tide of love for this boy. It scared her how each and every corner of her heart now contained a piece of Gilbert. A piece for when he asked Matthew and Marilla’s permission to formally court her. A piece for how he treated Jerry like a brother because that’s who he was to Anne. Pieces for his love for delphine, the way his hair stuck up in the front when he fell asleep on his textbook, how he waited on the steps outside the boarding house twenty minutes before he was allowed to enter. 

Gilbert now took one of the stems of the flower and tucked it behind her ear, playing with the end of a loose hair as he pulled away. Finally satisfied with his arrangement, he made himself comfortable against the scratchy wood of the old log. Anne turned slightly and kissed the corner of his upturned mouth in greeting. You certainly couldn’t do this in letters.

Gilbert was now staring at her intensely, his eyes twinkling in the mid-June sunlight. Anne blushed and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “everything alright?” she asked, suddenly feeling rather shy. 

Gilbert answered by turning his body so that his long legs stretched out parallel to the log. He lowered his torso back to the ground, his head of inky black hair coming to rest perfectly in her lap.  He closed his eyes contentedly, looking so perfectly at peace. Over the years she had seen many expressions on his face: frustration, passion, sadness and yes even love. But peace was a new emotion that grazed Gilbert Blythe’s face the first summer of the new century. 

“You know when I was younger, I used to think you were this nymph of the woods” he said matter of factly, his eyes still closed. Anne laughed, bringing her hand to comb through his inky black hair in her lap. It ran through her hands like soft butter. 

“And why is that?” she inquired 

“You always showed up to Mr. Phillips’ classes with flowers in your hat, like a crown of wildflowers. Even in the dead of winter. And then when you took off your hat in the cloakroom, little petals would fall on the floor like a trail.  In the dark days of winter when there was little life in the woods, I imagined you were hard at work preparing for the spring. Waiting, preparing for the woods to come alive again.” He paused and inhaled “It gave me hope...that winter when I lost my father.”

Anne’s hands stilled in his hair, her mind going back to that winter. She reminded herself that he was safe in her arms now, she just wished she could have done the same for the younger boy. “I was scared for you,” she told him now “I knew what it was like to have no one in this world to call your own, to have your last piece of hope torn away. And then you always acted strong, as you had to for your father. I wished there was something I could have said to comfort you, but clearly that was not the case”

Gilbert laughed, sounding unburdened despite the heaviness of the topic.  He took her hand and kissed it lovingly “don’t worry my love, I understood. And now look I’ve gone and made you sad?” He sat up from her lap, cupping her face gently in his hands. “You have,” he said as he kissed her forehead. He kissed her nose “always been” and then her mouth “there for me”. He pulled away slightly “Even when you didn’t know it”. 

Anne didn’t know the comfort Gilbert’s words would bring her until he had said them. How strange that this boy knew her so well. She looked into his eyes, so thankful that fate had brought them together.  “I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world, that day when Matthew brought me to Green Gables. I wish I could tell that girl at the orphanage what the world would hold for her. That I would know love in so many ways. That I would be so lucky as to be loved by you” she told him, shaking her head slightly. 

Gilbert pressed his forehead against hers, their hands intertwined in his lap. He touched his nose against her’s fondly.  “Nice attempt at trying to pull ahead of me, we both know who the lucky one is” he joked.  Anne laughed, throwing her head back. Gilbert pulled her face towards his as he kissed her, both of them smiling through the open kisses. Anne wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him even closer and her hands pulled at the hair at the nape of his neck. Gilbert made a sound she hadn’t heard before. It made her want to pull him even closer if that were possible.  The kiss heated and Anne’s cheeks flushed as Gilbert pulled gently at her bottom lip. Anne returned the favor twofold, moving away to kiss his neck. Gilbert inhaled sharply. 

He sighed and then pulled away “Miss Shirley as much as I wish to further this experiment, I must say that I hold my virtue and reputation very dearly”. Anne blushed, her cheeks becoming as red as the tomatoes growing at Green Gables. Gilbert laughed and wrapped his arms around her loosely. 

***

They spent the rest of the afternoon completely absorbed in one another. Anne had eventually picked up her textbook again, with Gilbert laying his head in her lap once more. He had a book on the cardiovascular system propped upon his knee. That was until a few moments ago when he had forgone that endeavor in favor of staring up and her and playing with the ends of her hair instead. “Gilbert” she said in a mock strict voice “shouldn’t you be studying the cardiovascular system, think of your future patients”

Gilbert wrapped a tendril of her hair around his finger “Oh trust me I am definitely becoming educated on matters of the heart this fine afternoon”. Anne raised an eyebrow at him. “If they wish, I can even provide a tip or two” he said with a wink. 

“God you are so infuriating. You’re lucky I love you so much.” she said as she kissed his forehead. She supposed he had the entire summer to study the heart.  Anne put aside her book

@pluviophile-bookworm @luckycheesefoodie321 @anneshirleycuffbert @theworldisquiethereinavonlea @frijolescontortillas @royalcordelia

[avatarnao]

A Million Dreams CH. 4

Pairing: Zukka, Kataang

Soulmate AU, College AU, Roommate AU

First, Previous, Next

A03

******

Monday

“My own nephew! Can you believe it?”

“Iroh’s in rare form today,” Suki comments, leaning closer to Sokka so they can speak quietly. Sokka huffs out a laugh and he can’t help but agree. Their professor paces back and forth at the front of the lecture all, ranting and raving about his nephew’s latest antics. “What’s got him riled up today?”

“He said tea was just hot leaf water,” Sokka fills her in, because Suki is consistently fifteen minutes late every class. It probably has something to do with her insane schedule and a class before this that’s on the opposite end of campus. He knows she must sprint to get to this class as on time as possible.

To be fair, his nephew is technically right. Not that Sokka would ever voice that outloud and to their professor. He’s pretty sure he’d fail immediately and be kicked out of class for the rest of the semester.

This class is only an elective and he’s taking it pass/fail but still…

Suki has that look on her face saying she agrees with his nephew but is wisely choosing to remain silent.

“Um… Professor?” someone chimes in from the front row. Iroh stops mid rant and turns to the student with a patient smile. “Not that this isn’t a good story but… what does this have to do with different types of plants?”

Professor Iroh stares at the student for a painfully long moment before rocking back on his heels with a laugh. He smacks his forward and moves over to his laptop to change to the next slide.

“Not all tea is made from the leaves of a plant,” he explains. On the screen is an image of two flowers. “The white dragon bush is known for producing a tea so delicious it’s heartbreaking. It requires the use of the flower and the leaves. They grow all over the eastern part of the Earth Kingdom, but be careful not to mistake the white jade bush for the white dragon bush for it is highly poisonous.”

Iroh gestures to the images of nearly identical flowers. “The one on the left is the white dragon and the one on the right is the white jade…” He pauses, squinting at the slide, and humming thoughtfully. “Or perhaps it’s the other way around…”

Sokka groans, sinking into his seat with a frown. Of course their professor can’t even tell the difference on a subject he’s supposedly an expert in….

“We have a saying for those plants on Kyoshi Island,” Suki comments. Her pen taps against the desk in thought as Iroh mutters to himself. “Delicious and rare is ruby red, but eat the white flower and you’ll be dead.” Sokka snorts.

“ That’s what you guys came up with?” he teases, though he makes a note of the saying. Never know what it might come in handy.

“It was part of the warriors’ survival training,” she tells him.

“No matter!” Iroh suddenly declares. “The plant is exceptionally rare so it’s unlikely for you to encounter it out in nature. If you do, however, accidentally consume the poisonous one, the antidote lies within the bacui berry.” He pauses again, thinking. “Or was it the maka’ole berry?”

Sokka groans again, sinking back into his seat.

Maybe he should’ve signed up for a different class….

Tuesday

Sokka’s nursing what is guaranteed to be a migraine come morning as he steps up to Katara’s place and gives a firm knock.The door slides open and he’s greeted with the wide-eyed gaze of Aang’s pet lemur.

“Hi, Momo,” he greets, frowning a little in confusion. Why is Momo answering the door? When did Momo even figure out how to open the door? Isn’t going out the window easier for the creature? “Are Aang and Katara here?”

Momo just blinks at him, chitters something, then swoops further into the house. Sokka follows him inside. He can hear the very muffled but very distinct yelling that is his sister’s voice. Her words may be indecipherable but Sokka’s been on the receiving end of that tone, and he’s not about to disturb that rant.

Instead, Sokka makes himself comfortable on the couch and turns the TV, idly flipping through channels for something to watch. Eventually, the yelling dies down, and Toph shuffles out of her room to join him on the couch.

“Do I even want to know what’s going on?” he asks her and she shrugs.

“Her and Sparky got into an argument at practice today,” Toph replies.

“Sparky?” Sokka mutters before the rest of her response clicks. “Wait… you’re on the team too? Why am I just now finding out about this?”

“They just announced who the starting benders would be, and today was our first day practicing together.” Oh… he supposes that makes sense… though why didn’t Katara say anything about Toph being on the team? Then again, they haven’t had much time for sibling bonding lately. They’ve both been kind of busy....

A frustrated sigh comes from the hall, and Sokka twists around to find Katara and Aang stepping into the room. Katara levels Toph with a disappointed frown.

“I told you not to put your feet on the table, Toph,” she snaps coming to a stop beside the couch. Her hands fall to her waist. “You’re getting it dirty.”

Sokka groans, head falling into his hand as the girls begin arguing over how clean their home should be. He came here to spend time with his sister and friends, not to listen to them argue. A flash of orange slides into his peripheral and Aang leans into his line of sight.

“Hey, Sokka,” he greets. His grin falls as he takes his friend in. “Are you okay?”

“Just a headache,” Sokka mutters, and Aang brightens.

“Oh! Do you want some medicine?”

There is nothing Sokka would love more than something to curb his headache. He eagerly follows Aang down the hall and away from the growing argument behind them.

“Have you been sleeping okay?” Aang asks as they enter an obscenely large bathroom. Sokka sits down on the toilet, taking in a space large enough to comfortably fit all four of them with room to spare.

“Midterms are coming up,” Sokka mumbles, shrugging. “So about as well as any student preparing for midterms.” Not to mention he’s been in the library every night until midnight trying to get a term paper done by Thursday. It’s mostly been Suki lecturing him for spending hours browsing the internet instead of researching or Zuko laughing at his horrible doodles. Sokka would be offended over the art student’s teasing but he’s just happy his roommate has decided to join their study sessions.

Logically, he knows he needs to start the paper, but the paper is nothing more than an in-depth analysis of Love Amongst the Dragons . He’s totally got that in the bag. There’s barely any research that needs to be done for it anyways, but Suki did spend a good forty-five minutes last night lecturing him on waiting until the last minute to get work done.

It’s not Sokka’s fault that he’s a master procrastinator… or that Zuko decided to join them and distract him with animal videos for hours on end.

Then there was that one night Zuko talked him into watching the mover based on the play and spent the whole time viciously tearing every detail apart. Sokka has no idea what the guy’s doing studying art when he should be a film critic. Zuko’s running commentary alone had Sokka in tears from laughing so hard. They’d had to pause at one point so Sokka could collect himself.

Okay... so maybe he’s been goofing off more than working but his paper is due on Thursday and that’s… two day away. He’s got plenty of time to work on it.

Sokka’s so lost in thought he doesn’t even realize Aang is speaking until pills are being put in front of his face. He blinks at Aang’s hand. Aang gives him a wide smile as he takes the medicine and downs it in one go.

“What was the question?” he asks.

“I was just wondering how your classes were going,” Aang says, not the least bit bothered over Sokka’s lack of attention. “Katara’s been spending a lot of time in her study lately, I guess for the same reason as you.” He shrugs. “Not that I really know what it’s like going to school.”

“Trust me,” Sokka tells him, rising from his seat. They begin making their way back to the girls. “I would take world adventures and experiences over reading about them in books.”

Unfortunately, Katara and Toph are far from ending their argument. If anything, Sokka notes, they seem to be winding up to really get into it. Top’s since moved off the couch, squaring up to Katara with a glare. She jabs a hard finger into Katara’s chest.

“It’s not his fault you moved right into his blindspot,” Toph snaps. Katara scoffs. Toph presses on before she can offer a rebuttal. “He was perfectly lined up to take the shot and you got in his way! Of course, he was going to hit you!”

“What,” Sokka snaps. Beside him, Aang sighs with the sort of resignation of one who’s heard this argument far too many times. He probably has, if Sokka’s being honest. This sounds like something Katara wouldn’t be able to let go of. Sokka frowns and glances at Aang, silently demanding an explanation.

“Nobody got hurt,” Aang says. “He managed to stop before Katara was actually hit but…” He frowns. “She’s still pretty upset about it.”

“He’s lucky we weren’t bending,” Katara snaps, rounding on Aang and Sokka with a frown of her own. “I could’ve gotten seriously hurt.”

“We’re bending , Katara,” Toph growls. “Any one of us could get hurt by accident.”

“Then someone with better control should be on the team,” Katara growls back.

“If he lacked control, he would’ve hit you,” Toph shouts, arms flying in the air. Aang groans as Katara turns back around and glares at Toph. He gives Sokka a pleading look and Sokka can’t help but feel bad. Sokka thought his headache was bad. He’s willing to bet money Aang has the mother of all migraines brewing.

Sokka misses whatever Katara says, too lost in excuses to get him and Aang out of the house for a few hours. Toph’s retort, however, he hears clear as day.

“Wow,” she says, voiced tinged with barely contained fury. “Maybe you forgot, Katara, but I’m blind too. Does that mean I shouldn’t be on the team?”

Katara recoils as if she’s been slapped. Silence descends over the group of friends. Sokka spares a glance at Aang who’s watching the girls with shocked disappointment. Well…  this is not what he expected when he agreed to meet his friends for a night together. Sokka sucks in a breath and steps forward, prepared to play the role of reasonable older sibling.

“I don’t really know the whole story,” he begins. “But from what Toph told me, it sounds like you just started working together.” Katara levels him with a frown, looking as if she wants to argue but remaining quiet for the time being. Sokka will take it over her, interrupting him with some outrageous accusation. He presses on. “I think you just need to give it time and make an effort to work as a team.”

“Sokka’s right,” Aang says then, moving to stand next to his friend. “Nobody expects you guys to be perfect right away.”

Katara looks like she wants to argue but something in Aang’s gaze stops her. She huffs and stalks off towards her room. Toph drops back onto the couch with an angry scoff, bare feet slapping against the table.

“I’m sorry, Sokka…” Aang apologizes and why is Aang apologizing? None of this is his fault. “I know you just wanted to hang out and came over to all…” his hand gestures to where Katara once stood. “This…”

“Katara just needs some time to cool down,” Sokka replies. “Why don’t the three of us go pick up some dinner. Maybe she’ll be calmer when we get back.”

Toph leaps off the couch as Aang disappears to let Katara know they’re leaving. He comes back a few minutes later looking concerned but otherwise unbothered by his roommates’ argument.

They head off towards a local cafe.

Katara apologizes to Toph when they return.

They spend the rest of the night playing games and watching random shows on TV.

Sokka’s headache is long gone by the time he heads home for the night, and he finds himself more relaxed than he’s been in over a week. He grins at the thought as he makes his way back to campus, tired and ready to sleep.

Wednesday

“Before everyone goes for the day,” Iroh begins an actual minute before class is set to end. The class collectively groans but settles down for whatever he has to say next. From what Sokka can tell, the general consensus seems to be that Iroh’s a good guy. Strange teacher but good guy nonetheless.

Smiling to himself, Iroh begins handing out flyers to the front row, saying, “You may not know this, but I run a small tea shop just off campus. The Jasmine Dragon,” and his eyes positively sparkle with pride. “We’re having a special event for all my students this Saturday. Bring you friends for some free tea and a break from studying.”

“Well that’s convenient,” Suki mutters as a stack of flyers comes into her possession. She takes one and passes the rest back, studying the paper in her hand. A grin spreads across her face. “This is the tea shop I was telling you about.”

“I suppose it makes sense that the professor teaching tea history owns and runs the most popular tea shop in Ba Sing Se,” Sokka comments, handing off his own stack of flyers. He doesn’t take one. There’s no need if Suki has one herself.

“We should get the gang together and go,” she says as the class finally begins packing up to leave.

“I think Yue’s busy this weekend,” Sokka points out. She mentioned something the other day about preparing for a recital. Though maybe that was last week and he’s finally at that point in the semester where days blur together… “But Aang, Katara, and Toph might want to come?”

“And Zuko.”

“I can ask him…” he mutters, uncertain. Somehow Zuko strikes him as more of a coffee kind of person. He definitely gives off those ‘starving artist who’s been up for a week straight on a project due at midnight and in need of a caffeine fix’ vibes. Maybe he’d want to come and meet some more of Sokka’s friends though? Or is it too presumptuous that the guy doesn’t have friends of his own? In his defense, Sokka’s never seen him with anyone else or even mention knowing other people.

Sokka frowns at the thought, immediately feeling guilty. Just because the guy is quiet doesn’t mean he has no friends…. He really shouldn’t be making that sort of assumption…

Which… maybe he’s just busy hanging out with them or he has work or something.

“The answer will always be ‘no’ if you never ask,” Suki teases, and Sokka huffs a laugh.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he replies. “I’ll ask him when I see him later.” They draw to a stop where the walkway diverges, both of them needing to go in opposite directions for their next classes. Something glints in Suki’s gaze as she turns towards him. Sokka has no idea what the look is meant to mean, but he can feel his defenses rising almost instantly.

“You know, Sokka,” she begins, tone hesitant. She glances in the direction of her class before continuing. “I think Zuko really likes spending time with you… and I think maybe you like his company too.”

“Well… yeah,” he replies, somewhat confused. “He’s my friend. We have fun together.” Suki’s brows furrow, mouth twisting as if frustrated he’s not getting what she’s trying to say. “What is this about?”

“You just…” she starts, actually hesitating now. Her gaze remains averted, looking everywhere but at him. It’s… a little uncomfortable seeing confident Suki suddenly becoming nervous. “You haven’t mentioned your soulmate lately is all…”

Oh… he… he supposes he hasn’t…. But that’s not because of Zuko. He’s been busy with classes and term papers and… and work! Sure, the dreams are still there but… life and classes have been holding his attention.

“I’ve just been busy,” he mutters, feeling no conviction behind the worlds but unsure as to why. Sokka finds himself looking in the direction of his next classes as he says, “I’m not sure what Zuko has to do with my soulmate…  besides… I didn’t think you’d want to hear anymore about it. It’s not like anything has changed since the dreams started. I still don’t know who they are.”

“Yeah but… Zuko starts spending time with you and you suddenly stop talking about them all together,” she points out. “Don’t you think that might mean something?” Something akin to guilt twists uncomfortably in Sokka’s gut. He’s not… Zuko isn’t some sort of replacement… that’s not fair to him or his soulmate… besides, he and Zuko aren’t romantically involved.

There’s nothing going on between them other than friendship.

“I need to get to class,” he announces, suddenly unable or willing to continue this line of thought. Suki calls after him as he walks away to his next class. He ignores her, mind swimming with thoughts and implications of his growing friendship with Zuko.

The thoughts swirl through his mind for the rest of the day, digging into his mind and refusing to leave.

He’s not… Zuko’s just his friend .

There’s nothing more going on between them.

They hang out sure… study together when they have time. Get together for lunch if their schedules happen to line up.

Watch movers at the end of a long day…. Occasionally fall asleep on each other’s beds….

Sokka huffs, shaking his head of those thoughts. So what if they do all those things? It’s normal for friends to do that… and it’s normal for roommates to spend time together.

He has a soulmate for spirits’ sake! Zuko does too!

There’s nothing going on between them!

“Sokka?” He jumps, head whipping up from the book he’s been mindlessly staring at to find Zuko standing by the table. Zuko shifts where he’s standing, gaze concerned as he looks his friend over. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I…” Sokka frowns and shuts his book. “Actually… Do you think we could head back to the dorm? I don’t want to study in the library today.”

“Um… sure,” he replies, and patiently waits while Sokka packs up.

Neither of them speak until they’re outside the library.

“Sorry…” Sokka says, sighing. “Suki just brought something up and it’s been on my mind all day…”

“Oh…” Zuko says, fingers playing with the strap of his bag. “Do you want to talk about it?” Sokka shrugs because he honestly doesn’t know. For all the time they’ve spent together, neither of them has so much as mentioned a soulmate. Would it be too personal for him to bring up? Come to think of it… what are the Fire Nation’s customs when it comes to soulmates? From what Sokka knows, they tend to be a bit more reserved about traditions compared to the other nations.

Would he be somehow crossing a line to talk about it to Zuko?

Would Zuko even care? He’s been living in the Earth Kingdom for awhile now. Surely, he’s been privy to conversations about soulmates at this point.

“It’s about my soulmate,” Sokka blurts before he can overthink this further. Beside him, Zuko tenses. Sokka immediately regrets saying anything. “Sorry… We don’t have to talk about this if you’re not comfortable.”

“No,” Zuko says almost as quickly as Sokka had. He clears his throat. “No, I… it’s okay, if you want to talk about them. I don’t mind.” Sokka sighs, grateful that Zuko’s willing to listen but reluctant because maybe he really doesn’t want to talk about it…

“You know… I’ve spent my whole life waiting for the day I would meet my soulmate,” Sokka begins, somewhat forlorn. He gazes up at what little of the stars he can see through the light pollution. “Did you know my sister’s soulmate is the avatar?” He laughs a little. “Yeah… they had an almost instant connection. No guesswork with them.”

Sokka spares a glance at Zuko to find him listening, though there’s a tightness to his gaze.

“I was a little jealous at first, you know?” he continues. “It wasn’t until this year that I made the connection with mine… only, this campus is huge and there’s so many students here…” He frowns, troubled. “I have no idea who they even are…”

His mouth snaps shut, annoyance flaring within him. If he’s being honest, being with Zuko has been a great distraction and that makes him feel guilty. Makes him feel like he’s somehow cheating on his own soulmate.

“Sorry…” Sokka apologizes when Zuko offers up no words of wisdom. “I just… feel like I’m being ungrateful. Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, but they’ve already met their soulmates, and today… Suki, she-” He turns to Zuko, eyes wide and heart racing. Zuko watches him back, patiently waiting for him to keep speaking. Unassuming. Not judging. Just… patiently listening to his complaints.

Would Zuko even care if Sokka told him what Suki said?

“You know,” Zuko begins, thoughtfully. “My uncle used to say ‘waiting is like tea, and when you put the time into waiting, the tea will be perfect’... wait, no…” Sokka sputters, hand clamping down on his mouth as his shoulders begin to shake uncontrollably. Zuko frowns, face turning pink. His arms cross, shoulders rising as he hunches in on himself.

“It sounds better coming from my uncle…” he grumbles.

“I’m sure it does,” Sokka replies, gaining control of his laughter. He sighs, feeling an odd mix of happy and sad. The frown returns. “Suki just made me feel bad because I hadn’t brought up my soulmate lately…”

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know who mine is either.”

“Actually… it does,” he says, grinning. “Are you having the dreams?”

“Um… yeah… since move-in.” Oh wow…. What a strange coincidence that is. Sokka laughs a little.

“Yeah, same,” he replies. “But I saw so many different people that day and no way of really knowing who they might be.”

“This is my first year on campus,” Zuko tells him. “So everyone in the dorms was new to me.”

“We should take bets to see who finds their first,” Sokka jokes. Zuko tenses. His face goes carefully blank, closing himself off completely. It’s such a strange transformation, the way Zuko seems to build his walls up and shut people out.

The friendly atmosphere between them freezes.

“I…” Zuko frowns, the troubled look in his golden gaze the only indication of his inner turmoil. He sighs and brushes a hand through his hair. “I don’t….” Sokka sighs.

“No…” he says. “You don’t have to explain yourself if you don’t want to.” Sokka’s honestly surprised by how much he means it. Zuko doesn’t have to tell him anything he’s not comfortable divulging. It’s not any of his business. Zuko can tell him when he’s ready if he chooses.

“I just don’t know if I’m ready to meet them yet,” he mumbles. He huffs out a wry sort of laugh and when he turns to meet Sokka’s gaze, his eyes are swimming with unshed tears. “Nobody wants a soulmate as broken as I am.”

Zuko angrily wipes at his face and picks up his pace. Sokka has to jog to catch up to him. His heart aches for his roommate. He might not know the whole story, and, really, it’s not any of his business whether he knows or not.

“Zuko, wait,” he says, grabbing onto his roommate’s shoulder. Zuko flinches, twisting out of his grasp as if he’s been burned. His hand slaps Sokka’s away. Sokka presses on, undeterred. “That’s not true!” Zuko opens his mouth to protest. “No, listen!” His mouth snaps shut, eyes wide in surprise.

“We may not know each other well,” Sokka says, determined to cheer his friend up. “But I’d hardly consider you broken. Sure… you might have a history and who doesn’t have some baggage, but you’re a nice guy. Kind. Thoughtful. Smart. You’re far more creative that any person I’ve ever known or met! Maybe you’re a little quiet, but there’s a gentleness underneath the sarcasm. Anyone would be lucky to have you for a soulmate.”

He wishes Zuko was his soulmate. Sokka blinks, feeling all his fight flee at the realization. Oh… is this what Suki meant earlier? What does that even mean for him and his soulmate?

Zuko scoffs, derailing any thoughts he might be having.

“Nobody wants to wake up to see such a hideous scar every day,” he says. His hand reaches up to brush against the marred flesh. Sokka watches the movement with a frown, wishing for the first time ever that it wouldn’t be rude to ask. He might not know what happened, but he has enough sense to know they aren’t close enough to ask about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with your face, Zuko,” Sokka tells him, looking away from his withering glare. He waves away whatever protest Zuko might have had. “No. Listen. I get that the scar is maybe a touchy subject, but you aren’t ugly, and I know your soulmate’s going to love waking up next to you every day. So… don’t count yourself so short. Don’t let that be the reason you don’t meet them.”

Zuko’s face is entirely red when Sokka dares look at him again. He can feel the heat in his own face and is thankful for his darker complexion. Zuko bites his lip and looks down the path they were walking on. At some point they both stopped, but Sokka can’t say for sure when that happened; both of them being too wrapped up in talk to notice.

“Thank you, Sokka,” he mumbles as they resume their trek back to the dorms. He glances at his friend out of the corner of his eyes. “For what it’s worth, I think anybody would be lucky to be your soulmate too.”

Yeah , Sokka thinks, grinning, I think so too.  

Thursday

Sokka’s just about to hit ‘send’ on his paper when the power goes out.

The power goes out five minutes before Sokka’s supposed to submit his paper.

There’s no power on campus and Sokka can’t submit the paper he just finished minutes before the deadline.

He stares at his screen. At the wifi signal in the corner indicating there’s no connection.

There’s no connection because the power went out.

Behind him Zuko lets out a groan of anguish. It’s echoed throughout the suddenly dark dorm.

“That was my midterm ,” he says, dismayed, and Sokka cringes. It’s bad enough that he can’t submit his paper but that’s all on him. He’s the one who waited until the last minute to submit it.

“Do you want me to text my sister?” Sokka offers as the thought occurs to him. “She lives off campus so you might be able to finish it at her place.”

“I don’t know if it’ll let me back in…” Zuko mumbles, casting the room in darkness as he shuts his laptop. Sokka’s laptop is the only thing lighting their room now, the screen displaying a message of no internet connection. He frowns, glancing outside to find even the streetlights are out.

“What are we supposed to do now?” he asks, idly watching people mill about outside.

“We could make shadow puppets?” Zuko suggests, pulling a set of candles out of his desk drawer. Sokka stares at the candles wondering distantly why he has a whole drawer full of them. Also, is he being serious about the shadow puppets? Somehow, he imagines Zuko’s terrible at making shadow puppets. Then again… he is an art student. Maybe he can make something crazy with his hands.

“You just… keep a drawer full of candles, huh?” he notes instead.

“I use them for meditating.”

“Oh..” Sokka says as Zuko begins placing candles around the room. “So like… scented candles then?” It shouldn’t matter, really, what kind of candles they are or why Zuko has them. Once they’re lit he can shut his laptop down. It’s a good thing he has those candles because Sokka’s laptop has shit battery life after all these years and it won’t last much longer on its charge.

“Some of them are scented,” Zuko explains, placing the final candles in its spot. “But it’s more of a breathing exercise for firebenders.”

“Makes sense,” Sokka replies, watching as Zuko begins lighting the candles with his bare hands. He blinks, taking a moment to process what he’s seeing, and then his eyes go wide. “Wait… you’re a firebender?!” Zuko laughs a little, lighting the final candle and allowing Sokka to shut his laptop.

“I guess it just never came up,” he says, shrugging. “And it’s not like you ever asked… so….” He stands in the center of the room, watching Sokka helplessly.

“Fair point.” Sokka eyes the candle closest to him. “Can you do any cool tricks?” He’s always trying to get Katara to do something fun with her bending, like how Aang has his air scooter thing, but she always gets crabby about it. Then she lectures him about how sacred bending is and how it shouldn’t be used for childish things. Which… is funny considering she does probending….

“I know some,” Zuko says sheepishly, snapping him out of his train of thought. “But there’s not enough room here to show you.” Sokka frowns, excitement fleeing him as quickly as it came. Aang’s the only person he’s met so far capable of firebending only… he doesn’t know enough yet to show off, and Katara’s never been any help in that department either. Toph recreated a perfect replica of Ba Sing Se once, right down to the citizens, but she can only do so much with rocks.

Sokka would much prefer to see some firebending tricks. They sound far more interesting than anything he’s seen so far.

“Oh!” Zuko says, face lighting up as if he’s just had a thought. “I might know something we can do.”  Sokka watches with interest as he returns to his desk. He pulls a bottle out of a drawer and asks, “Have you ever wished you could firebend?” Sokka’s immediately on board with whatever Zuko has planned.

“Yes!” In truth, he always wondered what waterbending was like. Mostly because waterbenders are far more common than firebenders in the Southern Water Tribe. He’ll take whatever he can get, though.

“Ok, so this was a really common, uh… game? Back in the Fire Nation,” Zuko explains, dragging his chair closer to Sokka. He holds up the bottle in his hand and Sokka squints at the label, trying to read it in their limited light. “It’s hand sanitizer.”

“What kind of game is this?” he asks, eyeing the bottle skeptically. What kind of games do they play in the Fire Nation that involves hand sanitizer of all things? He gingerly takes the bottle and snaps the cap off.

“I’m not really sure of all the rules. It was something more common with non-benders, but…” Zuko takes the bottle and squirts a liberal amount onto Sokka’s desk. He spreads it out evenly across the surface before lighting it on fire. Sokka sucks in a breath, eyeing the fire with alarm.

If Zuko wasn’t a firebender, he’d be concerned they were about to burn down their dorm. He’s fairly calm though for someone who just lit their roommate’s desk on fire . Zuko gestures to the flames, flaring blue from the combination of chemicals in the hand sanitizer.

“And then you just…. Swipe the flames up with your hand,” he finishes.

“ That’s your idea of fun in the Fire Nation?” Okay… Sokka knows, logically, that he agreed to whatever nonsense Zuko had in mind. He did not realize that meant possibly lighting himself on fire. Zuko visibly wilts at his statement, frowning as he puts the small fire out.

“Sorry…” he mumbles, and Sokka feels his heart break at how crestfallen he sounds.  

“I’m not exactly immune to fire, Zuko,” he points out weakly.

“And you think I am ?” He’s glowering at Sokka now, golden gaze intense enough to make Sokka squirm. There’s something in those words that strike deep. A hidden meaning that has Sokka staring at the scar on his face, wondering once again what the story behind it is. He wants to ask. Wants so badly to know, but refrains because it’s rude to pry and Zuko should tell him whenever he’s ready to (if he’s ever ready to).

Zuko huffs, shifting in his seat and says, “I wouldn’t suggest something if I thought you would get hurt, you know.”

“So it’s safe then?” Zuko shrugs as if he has no idea how safe it really is. “That’s… not very encouraging…”

“Well I’ve never had a reason to do this,” Zuko comments, which… fair. “But it was really popular with non-benders growing up and I can put it out before anything bad happens.” And when Zuko puts it like that Sokka can’t see a reason not to try.

Which is precisely how Sokka ends up where he is approximately ten minutes later, nursing a nasty looking burn on the inside of his wrist. He pulls the compress away from the spot, hiss as it rubs against tender flesh. A washcloth is probably too rough for something like this but it’s all they had.

He frowns at the mark. Katara’s never going to stop lecturing him on this… especially when she finds out he got medical attention without telling her. What he wouldn’t give for her healing right about now…

Sadly, he can not and will not get her involved. The last thing he needs is her blaming Zuko for this and he’s not about to subject his roommate to her neverending grudges. Besides… Zuko’s a firebender. Surely he knows better than anyone how to treat burns.

The door clicks open and said roommate steps back into the room. Regret and guilt roll off him in waves as he steps over to Sokka to inspect the burn. He places an unlabelled bottle on the desk.

“Let this air dry for a bit,” Zuko mumbles, apology lacing his voice. He gestures to the bottle. “Then put some of that on. It’s a salve to help the burn. My uncle dropped it off for me.” Oh so that explains where he disappeared to for twenty minutes. He flashes Zuko a grin. Zuko gives him a sheepish look then turns away.

“Do I need to bandage it?” Sokka asks, trying to break the silence.

“Um…” Zuko spares the mark a glance but doesn’t meet Sokka’s eyes. “You might want to before bed so it doesn’t rub all night.”

Sokka scowls. Zuko’s making that face of his again. The one Sokka has quickly realized means he feels bad and wants to apologize but also feels guilty because he’s been apologizing for the past hour.

“Stop beating yourself up over it,” he says and Zuko flinches, finally meeting his eye. “Accidents happen, you know? It’s not your fault.”

“Can I at least like… take you out for tea or something? To make up for it?”

“If that’ll make you feel better then sure,” Sokka responds with a grin, entirely touched by the offer. Oh… right… he and his friends had plans this weekend. “Actually…” he begins, feeling somewhat bad that he nearly forgot to invite Zuko. “We were going to go to this new place off campus on Saturday if you wanted to come with? You could always treat me to tea there?” And Zuko’s looking apologetic again.

“I have work on Saturday,” he confesses. Well… that’s…. disappointing…. His disappointment must be reading on his face because Zuko quickly adds, “I’ll be around Sunday, though, if you wanted?”

“Sure,” Sokka says, grin returning to his face. Excitement courses through him at the idea of just them going out for tea. Below that, is once more guilt, over being excited about spending the day with someone not his soulmate. They’re just going as friends though. Sokka knows this…. Zuko’s not interested in him like that anyways.

Sokka shakes himself of the thought and says, “Sunday sounds nice.”

Friday

Suki notices because of course she does. She stares pointedly at the bandage carefully wrapped around his wrist and says, “What happened there?”

“Uh…” he says, heat rising to his face. He still hasn’t figured out what to tell everyone else. The truth would be a good idea but he’s not sure how the others might feel knowing it was Zuko’s idea. Then again…. Sokka did go along with it… which just makes him feel stupid. Toph will absolutely laugh her ass off over it.

He’s never been very good at lying to Suki though….

“I… burned myself last night….” he admits. Around them the dining hall’s filled with conversation. Most of it seems to be about last night’s sudden power outage. So far all his professors have extended any deadlines affected by the outage. He hopes maybe Zuko’s professor put an extension on that exam. Would suck if he failed over something out of his control…

“And what exactly were you doing that involved fire?” she asks.

“Lighting candles?”

“You were lighting candles and burned yourself bad enough you needed to bandage it.”

“Did you know Zuko was a firebender?” he asks because he can’t help it, and keeping secrets from Suki is just downright impossible. Girl can sniff out a secret like a shirshu.

“You know…” she says thoughtfully. “That would make a lot of sense…” Suki laughs a little then, eyes glinting with a sense of sudden knowledge as she teasingly says, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to play with fire?”

“In my defense, I was told it would be safe.” And even that sounds weak in his ears. Suki just stares at him with that sort of disappointed look he just knows Katara would be giving him if she were to find out.

“Katara’s going to kill you,” she points out.

“ Katara won’t as long as you don’t tell her.” It’s not any of her business anyways. If he wants to bond with his roommate through stupid dangerous activities then that’s his prerogative.

“Oh, I don’t have to tell her anything. She’s going to find out when you show up tomorrow for tea with that bandage on your wrist.” Sokka stares with mounting horror. He… he really hadn’t considered that last night. She’s bound to notice and when she does she’s going to ask about it.

He groans, sliding down in his seat as he pokes at his food which has long since gone cold. They’ve been so wrapped up in the conversation that neither of them have finished lunch. Well… Suki seems to be mostly done so… he’s barely eaten and a quick glance at the clock has him sucking in a breath.

“ Shit, ” he hisses, hastily throwing his bag over his shoulder and collecting everything. “I need to get to class.”

He gives her a parting wave before fleeing to dump his food and get to class on time.

He grabs some fruit on his way out.

Saturday

Katara absolutely notices the mark on the wrist when Sokka and Suki go over to her place in the morning. He left it unwrapped hoping that it would just blend into his already dark skin to absolute failure.

“He and Zuko were playing with candles the other night,” Suki gleefully tells her. She thankfully leaves out the part where he’s a firebender. He’s not sure he can handle that revelation just yet.

“ Zuko? ” Katara snaps, giving him a curious look. Toph barks out a laugh as they make their way down the road to the Jasmine Dragon.

“My roommate?” Sokka offers, frowning at the girl.

“Oh this is going to be great,” Toph cheers, refusing to reveal whatever hidden knowledge she’s keeping secret.

“Why were you playing with candles?” Katara asks, choosing to ignore Toph’s laughter. Suki won’t stop shooting the earthbender looks like she’s trying to sort through clues.

“The power went out,” he tells her. “Didn’t you hear about it?” Aang sidles up to his side, gently taking his hand and inspecting the mark. He runs a finger over it and Sokka flinches. “It’s still sensitive…”

“That’s an odd spot for lighting candles,” Aang comments. Sokka stiffens and yanks his arm away with a frown. Katara’s giving him that disappointed mom look now. He hates that look.

“Sokka-”

“Oh look,” he says loud enough to cut her off. “Is that the Jasmine Dragon?” Sure enough the building comes into view and with it, the long line of students also looking to check the place out. He wilts a little at the prospect of being subjected to Katara’s torment while they wait.

Katara, thankfully, drops the subject with the unspoken promise of revisiting it later. Sokka just hopes he can escape before she’s able to corner him.

Fortunately, the line seems to move quickly and soon they find themselves stepping up to be seated.

Several things happen then as they’re led to an open table. Katara sucks in a breath, stopping short as she looks around the shop.

“ You, ” she hisses, face twisting with contempt. Everyone stops, turning back to follow her line of sight and…

“ Zuko? ” Sokka squawks because… this is the job he disappears off to? Zuko stands by a table, eyes wide like a fox antelope caught in its tracks as he stares at Katara. “Wait…” Sokka turns to his sister. “You know him?” He can feel the pieces beginning to connect but one piece remains just out of reach. Toph’s cackling is followed by Suki’s snort of laughter as she finally connects the dots.

“Zuko!” Aang greets, bouncing over to Sokka’s statue of a roommate. His approach seems to knock Zuko out of his shock. And how does Aang know Zuko?

“Hey, genius,” Toph says, suddenly at Sokka’s side. The slap on his back is hard enough to rock him forward. “I didn’t know your roommate was a firebender!”

A strange disconnect happens in Sokka’s brain then, as the two separate people are suddenly jammed together into one entity.

Sokka becomes painfully aware that Zuko, his roommate, is also the firebending teammate of Katara and Toph.

He groans, secretly wishing Toph could just open the earth and let it swallow him whole.

Today is going to be a long day…

[littlehouseofkarlacade]

k so since i’ve been hiding the fact that i’ve been depressed and frustrated af lately, i’m just gonna slam it all here under a read more. ignore if you want, actually please do, it’s just me bitching again--

so holy shit the way america is rn frustrates the absolute hell out of me. covid has only made it worse; it feels like we’re never gonna get out of this fuckin’ pandemic because of people screaming that their rights are being violated bc they’re being asked to wear masks (?????? you’d fuckin’ hate it in asia then, ya goddamn snowflakes) and having parties all over the place, plus there’s all the politics shit that i’m not even going to get into, and just... it’s so damn hard to actually live here because everything costs a motherfuckin’ fortune. for fuck’s sake, i am a woman making $15 an hour at a part time job that gives me only 12-15 hours a week, how the fuck am i gonna succeed in anything with that?!

holy fuck. i want so many things that are just out of reach, it feels like. i want to help sylvie start HRT so she can finally start kicking gender dysphoria’s ass and actually start being happy with herself and her body, but considering she has practically 0 health insurance, she makes even less than i do, and it’s fuckin god-tier expensive, i have no idea where to even start with that. a friend of mine told me about planned parenthood (which would probably be a really good idea for both of us, considering i’ve never had my, uh, inner workings checked out), but i have no idea if there’s even one in our area or anything, or how we’d go about starting anything regarding that. it’s so goddamn frustrating, because i hate seeing her hate herself and her body so much because she’s got the wrong goddamn one, and i feel like she’s just got this general feeling of hopelessness around the entire thing, and i want to show her that it is reachable for her, but... how am i supposed to do that if i don’t even know where to begin?!

ALSO, not even relating to that

i want a house. not an apartment, not to keep living with people i barely know, but my own actual goddamn house. my credit score is lookin’ pretty damn good right now -- it’s almost in the 700s, but... i have no idea where to start with that either. and like... i’m afraid, as well. because if we go buy a house, and then something happens where we can’t afford things with the house anymore, then we’re fuckin’ homeless. and like. i’ve been homeless before -- not out on the streets, but i was couchsurfing for a good year and a half, and that sucked -- and i never want that to happen again. rent is expensive as fuck, more than both of us put together can afford, especially with all of sylvia’s bills. our roommate kicked us out of our old place, so we had to quickly scramble to find a place, so we’re living with a couple of sylvia’s friends, and i personally cannot stand it. it’s nothing against them, really, i just. i hate being almost 29 and still having to rely on others for a place to fucking live. it’s fucking godawful. and considering i don’t have any family members or anything that will help me, it’s so... alskdjflkdsal;afd

plus we’re not even in our original city anymore, we’re stuck on a goddamn island that we have to pay a toll to drive back onto every time we go home from work, so that fuckin’ sucks. and i miss our old city so much and it hurts so bad that we don’t live there anymore; i was really at home there, it was the first place where i really felt i could be myself and just... leaving there fucking sucked. i want to go back, and i fully intend to. someday. when i can actually afford things like a goddamn house. why are houses so goddamn expensive anyway; it’s like fuckin’ robbery. idk.

PLUS, since i graduated from community college this past semester, i’m currently on a break, and i fully intend to go back to university, hopefully in fall semester. BUT, idk, it looks like i’m gonna have to push that back to spring 2022, considering we don’t have a place of our own, i can’t drive (was going to get my permit this past summer but covid fucked that in the ass), and while we don’t want to live here, i have no idea where we will be living, and location matters a lot for me since i can’t fuckin’ drive!! i can’t even start applying to universities until we figure that out, and it’s just... god. i feel like i’m spinning my goddamn wheels again, and i fucking hate that feeling.

this is all over the goddamn place and i’m so sorry for that, but i’m just so frustrated and thinking on all of it makes me so fucking depressed that most days lately i just feel like giving up. stop having goals, try to be content working at fuckin target for the rest of my life (even though it makes me wanna die). but goddammit, i’m too fuckin’ ambitious for that (before jkr turned into a fuckin’ bitch, i always got slytherin house because that’s me, kids), and i apparently can’t be satisfied with what i already have because i’m a spoiled-ass bitch, i guess. i always want better. like. i feel like i have to make something of myself before i’m allowed to feel happy and content with my life, and that’s frustrating too. it’s like... i dunno. things aren’t happening the way i want them to, and i just get pissed off at myself for allowing things to happen as they are.

just... god. fuck off. eat the rich. fuck capitalism. i don’t want to be a millionaire or anything. i just want to make enough to not have to live paycheck to paycheck and be able to actually afford things i want without feeling fuckin’ guilty about it. i mean jfc i spent almost $50 on tea shit on this past paycheck bc i got a bonus from target corporate so i had some extra money, but i still feel guilty about it!! and. jesus christ. i don’t know where i went wrong. probably being born to poor, abusive people is where i went wrong.

fuck off.

having mental illness and being poor is. fucking awful. i don’t wish it on anyone.

i just want things to be betterrrrrrr for fuck’s sake.

the end

[vanchlo]

The Assistant /Chapter Twenty-Six, “Old Faces”

Catch up on reading or start from the beginning HERE! :-)

Thanks for reading! c:

                                SNEAKY PEEK TIMEEEEEEEEE!!!

Something inside of my chest falls and for the first time in weeks, my thoughts are flooded with her. And I’m worrying about her, missing her, and wanting to hear her voice. I’m feeling all of the things and thoughts I’ve done such a great job at suppressing for the last few weeks.

Because before, only the alcohol could, but I couldn’t do that anymore. I knew she’d be disappointed. And once that thought wormed its way into my brain, I couldn’t entertain it for more than a minute. And so I dumped out the bottles and threw them in the bin.

Now, I feel myself fill with regret at that because once again I want to drown the feelings.

Because I’m hurting thinking about all of the hurt and pain she’s feeling.

“Awww, my little baby on her first day of school!” 

“Oh, would you stop?” I groan in annoyance. But I can’t get rid of the smile pinching my cheeks. 

“You’re looking like a lawyer already, Boops!” Skye comments as I stop in front of her at the island. She sets down her Winnie the Pooh mug and just smiles at me. It’s a rare occurrence. “And don’t you start saying that I can’t call you that. I’d say it’s rather fitting for a day like this.”

“Fine. Only today you can call me that old nickname that’s been dead for decades,” I reply before looking down at my outfit. “I’m not too overdressed, am I?”

“No, I think you look very nice. And you should dress to impress, they say.”

“Mmmmhmm,” I respond, flattening the patterned long-sleeve blouse I wear. Black jeggings cover my lower half. 

“Are you excited?” Skye’s question hits me as I reach for a glass from the cupboard. I watch the golden orange juice splash into it. 

“Yeah, I really am. I know I’ve already been down this road, but I feel so much more confident and excited this time around.”

“Well that says something,” she replies and I nod at her answer. The slice of bread sinks into the toaster as I set down the jar of jam with my other hand.  

I grab a plate and scoop the rest of the scrambled eggs onto it that Skye left for me. “I’m dying a girl’s hair rainbow today, so there’s my big bang,” she comments enthusiastically with her sky-blue eyes twinkling. I smile at the excitement in her voice.

It finally looks like we’ve found our callings, I think to myself. A second later, I almost cringe at myself, but at the same time, I’m grateful for the happy thought. 

“So most of your classes are online?” 

“Yeah, but I have this one that I have to go on campus for. It’s one of the important ones,” I reply before a bite of scrambled eggs passes my lips. 

Ding! 

Dragging my phone across the counter, I look at my lit-up screen. A new text appears on my screen to join the others. 

Asher:

Good luck on your 1st day back!!! Hoping everything goes well and you get nice teachers!!! Take deep breaths!!! Dont forget to tell me how it went :) 

Sophie (Boss):

Wishing you a great first day back, Becky! We’re all so proud of you and we can’t wait to see the great things you do! Good luck! 

Robbie:

Proud of u for going back Ree. Keep ur chin up. I cant wait 2 hear all about it. Excited 2 hang out with u and dad this weekend back home. Love u sis. 

Daddy:

Happy 1st day of school 2 my big 25 year old! I hope ur 1st day back is gr8 Boops. Good luck! Take ur time & ask ?s. Call when u get home. I want 2 hear how it went. Love u! xoxo

A smile creases my cheeks as I read the words. I hear his familiar voice inside of my head, and warmth radiates through my chest. It makes me ache for one of his hugs and forehead kisses. I swipe right on my Dad’s text and click on the space to enter my own text. 

Thanks so much, Dad! I’m really excited, but nervous. I feel like people might know I’m the dropout… But luckily I only have only one face-to-face class, and the rest are online. I hope that you are feeling better. Let me know if you need anything. I can’t wait to see you this weekend! Love you, Daddy! Xoxoxoxo

The lecture hall is smaller than I remember, and less run down. Hmmm, maybe my experience is actually going to help me to not be so afraid and intimidated, I think to myself. After walking up several stairs, I choose an empty table in the middle of the hall. Students mill around talking and checking online course content and Snapchat. Their chatter fills my ears as I set down my violet backpack and sit down. I place my laptop in front of me, along with a fresh notebook, my planner, and my little bag of pens and pencils. As I boot up my new laptop, the seats around me fill up. It’s not long before the professor takes a seat at the table at the front. His graying hair is tied into a short pony at the back of his head. The class quiets down at his arrival, but there aren’t many of us in the cohort. Around 50 or so. 

Looking up behind his horn-rimmed glasses, a smile sparks behind his thick gray beard. “Oh, don’t mind me. We still have a couple of minutes until class starts, and I’m sure this bloody computer will take that and longer to start up,” he quips, and my classmates and I reply with laughter. “If everybody’s here, we can at least start with introductions. Shall we?”

“I’m Professor Alcott and I’ll be your guide for Criminal Law this semester. It’s great to see a group of smiling faces eager to dive into the nastier side of law. I practiced full-time for around 25 years until I arrived at this university. I thought I’d like to guide young minds into the law world, and so here I am. I still practice occasionally when I’m not teaching. It fulfills my craving to be back in the courtroom when I’m not in the classroom. Now, who would like to go next?”

Maybe this won’t be so bad.

+

“It sounds like your first day couldn’t have gone better, Boops.”

“Yeah, I actually think you’re right, Dad,” I reply, sinking lower into the welcoming sheets of my bed. 

“You don’t have to say it like I’m not usually right,” my dad jokes back with a weak laugh. My smile falls at that, wondering if I’ve ever heard a hearty chuckle absent from his voice.

“I-I’m not, don’t worry . . Are you feeling any better, or are you still having those um pains you were talking about?” I ask tentatively, worry and care sewn into my words. 

“I’m okay. They come and go,” he replies softly with few words. 

“Are you going to go to the doctor like I’ve been begging you?”

“Yes, Becky. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning. Just like I promised

you,” he replies with emphasis in his words. I try to find the fear in his words. But either he’s doing a great job of masking it, or it’s simply not there. 

“But you cancelled the last one, Dad.”

“I didn’t mean to cancel it, Becky,” he sighs. “I made it and found it got in the way of work. I forgot to reschedule it. I’m sorry.”

“I know, Dad. I just want you to get looked at. I don’t want something to be wrong,” I say quietly, feeling the fear creep up my throat. But I try my hardest to push it back down, because I can’t let it in. I can’t worry about my Dad anymore than I already am. I have school now and my job. I just can’t. 

“I know, sweetie, and neither do I. Everything’s going to be fine, my love. You needn’t worry,” my dad tells me in his soothing deep voice. The same voice that lulled me to sleep with bedtime stories, explained maths homework to me whilst I cried in frustration, and told me it was okay when I dropped out of law school. He’s always been there to tell me it’s going to be okay, and now I know I need to be the one telling him it’s going to be okay. 

I just hope that I’m telling him the truth. 

+

Madley looks just the same. But it doesn’t. 

New shops have opened up. Old ones have closed down. New developments have sprung up. Patches of woods have been cut down. The city park has a new playset instead of the one I grew up on. My former primary school has a new addition. Roads were redone. New ones were made. 

I made the drive easily, knowing it like the back of my hand by now. 

But at the same time, it’s hard. Because I have this off feeling sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach. And I can’t name it, or make it go away. It’s been there all morning, and I can’t figure out how to get it to go away. 

It grows as my footsteps sound on the sidewalk leading to the front door of the house I grew up in. Shoots of grass inch through new cracks in the cement. The daffodils wilt against the steps leading to the front door. 

The feeling in my gut flares, making me stop. I take a second to look harder. The cream paint that’s defined my childhood home is peeling in places. The grass hasn’t been cut in a while. I can’t remember the last time I saw it long, and not neatly cut. Patches of prematurely fallen leaves scatter the usually clean walkway. The glass window panes on the top half of the door are smudged and dirty. I don’t get another second to look harder, because the front door opens and a smile waits for me. 

Perhaps my favorite one. 

“Hi, baby girl,” my dad coos, letting go of the door. It creaks before closing as I watch my dad pad down the steps and wrap me in a hug. 

I exhale into my dad’s chest clad in one of his typical Nike jumpers. Letting go of my suitcase, my arms find their way around him by instinct. 

“How was your trip?” he asks in his deep voice. His scruffy cheek falls onto the top of my head, and he holds me against his chest.  

“Good, thanks. The usual,” I reply. I squeeze him and try not to notice how my arms go around him easier than the last time. I just try to find comfort in his familiar smell of the same laundry detergent he’s used for 30 years. 

“Good. Robbie just got here. I’m finishing up lunch right now, it’s almost ready,” he informs me. 

“Oh no, don’t leave Robbie around food cooking on an open flame,” I joke, feeling one of his large hands comb through the hair at the top of my head. 

He laughs and mine echoes his. But I’m afraid that they’re both forced. Dad releases me from the cocoon-like hug, but not before planting a kiss on my forehead. The same kind of kiss he’s given me since the day I was born. Always the forehead. 

“We better hustle then,” he quips, stepping to the side to pick up my violet suitcase. I smile at him and he mirrors it as he holds the door open for me. 

“I think something’s burning!” I hear Robbie exclaim in a confused tone. 

“How do you even survive on your own?” I answer, toeing off my shoes in the entryway. I push them to the side with my foot to sit on the red rug. Beside Dad’s white Nikes green from mowing the lawn. Robbie’s black vans. 

“On microwavable ramen, hot pockets, cereal, and chicken nuggets. Duh,” Robbie replies, garnishing an eye roll from me. But he can’t see it. 

The same brown plaid couch stares back at me a few feet away in the living room. My dad sets my suitcase down by the wooden stairs a few steps in front of me. 

“You just stir it, you goon!” my dad tells Robbie, padding through the living room in his classic Levi jeans. “Did I teach you nothing when it came to cooking, or did you tune out that day?”

A Chelsea vs. Arsenal game plays softly on the telly. But its only viewer is the In-Fisherman magazine sloppily laid on the couch. 

“No, I’m pretty sure I was stoned that day,” Robbie replies softly with a wry chuckle. My dad sighs and clucks his tongue at my brother. 

“Any day now, Ree!” Robbie shouts to me. But I hardly hear him, because my thoughts are wound up in the uncharacteristic pill bottles I see on the side table. And the brochures that I can’t make out from this distance. I recognize a few as take-away. One has lots of words that I can’t read, but it makes my heart shrink regardless. 

“Hey, everything alright?” 

I look up and watch Robbie walk into the room. His pale skin the same shade as mine peeks out from the trendy holes in his blue jeans. He pushes his black button-down aside to pocket his hands. A familiar Marvel shirt peeks out from underneath. 

Swallowing, my lips part, “Did Dad tell you what the doctor said?” I ask nervously, keeping my volume low so only he hears. 

“No,” Robbie responds quietly. And I hear it in his voice. Because it’s the same thing I just heard in mine. 

“Rob,” I mumble, looking him in the eyes. I feel something pass between us, and somehow I know that he’s thinking the same thing as me. 

I look up at the ceiling, trying to will the tears away, but it never works. Because I’ve tried it so many times in the last few days as I worried why my dad didn’t tell me what his doctor said on Tuesday. 

“Lunch will be ready in a few minutes. Why don’t you lot go and wash up?” my dad announces, and I nod automatically. But I know I can’t go upstairs and wash my hands in the sink that I have for the last 20 years. And that my dad does every day. 

Before I know it, the fall sunshine is welcoming me back. I don’t hear the door close with a metallic smack. All I hear are soft footsteps and the sound of sobs leaving my lips. I blink and feel Robbie’s arms go around me. 

“I’m scared, too,” he confesses, tears choking his words that echo my silent ones. 

“I’m so afraid that he is, too,” I reveal into his neck that soon grows slick with my tears. 

“Did you notice how he looks?” Robbie asks into the crown of my head, his lips moving against my hair. I feel his warm tears meet my scalp. 

“Mmmhmm. He’s so pale. And he’s lost weight.”

“Yeah, and he tries not to show it, but he’s tired,” Robbie adds in. His chest shakes underneath me and I hear him hiccup from the crying. “I dunno if he’ll even eat. It looks like he hasn’t been recently. There’s like nothing in the fridge, Ree. We need to buy him groceries. It looks like he hasn’t left the house in days.”

All I can do is nod, and I do. Because the tears are too thick, and what am I even supposed to say? How do I put these terrible feelings into words, much less ones that make sense? 

“I know, Ree, I know,” Robbie coos soothingly.

But somehow it brings me comfort to know that Robbie is feeling all of the same things and having all of the same thoughts as me. Stupid twin intuition or not, I just know. And at the same time, it makes my heart squeeze harder in pain. 

“Kids, come on!” We hear our dad call from inside the house. 

I leave Robbie’s arms and find his tear stricken face looking down at the ground. I brush the hair out of his eyes; the hair the same dark chocolate color as mine. His eyes the same ice blue as my own meet mine painfully. I swipe my finger under them to catch the tears. His fingers wrap around my hand and give it a squeeze. 

“Let’s go eat lunch with our dad,” he mumbles, his voice still shaky. 

I nod and squeeze it back. The same hand I’ve been holding ever since before I was born. 

My partner in crime for life. 

My twin. 

“Go and splash cold water on your face, it’ll help. You can always say that I splashed soap in your eye.”

“Yeah, and how’s that going to sound if that happened to both of us?” he questions, pulling me by the hand into the house with a laugh. I make sure to close the door quietly before following him up the staircase. The sound of our dad’s whistling carries up the stairs and to my ears. 

I savor it. 

I never want to forget the first music I ever heard, and the one that never fails to calm me. Next to his soothing voice. 

My daddy.

+

 The rest of our day was better, but worrying about my dad was always at the back of everything. Silent, yet nagging. It interrupted all of the moments. 

The laughing over a plate of home-cooked food. 

The jokes and stories that passed the time of washing dishes. 

The traditional walk around the block. 

Our visit to the local library’s book sale. 

Dad’s usual drive around town filling us in on everything we’ve missed. 

So and so died. 

She had a kid. 

They got married. 

They’re building this there. 

That bloke went to jail. 

It disrupted watching reruns of Doctor Who on BBC. 

It returned after a cozy mid-day nap at dad’s elbow, strong as before. 

It nagged at the back of my head when the phone would ring. 

It sat in the circles of Robbie’s eyes when they locked with mine. 

It filled the empty spaces between our conversations. 

That question sat at the back of my head and in the pit of my stomach all day. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask it. Because I couldn’t confront the possibility of hearing the answer I dreaded most. 

“Boy, you make one good pizza, baby girl,” my dad smiles as he stretches his arms to the ceiling. 

I nod, slapping an automatic smile on my face. It doesn’t stay long when my eyes carry over to his plate holding the third slice he couldn’t eat. Another detail I noticed that’s unlike him. Because I can’t stop noticing them, and each one hurts more than the last. 

Before I can stop it like all of the other times, my vision grows blurry. I feel my throat take after it and I couldn’t swallow if I tried. I lift my eyes over to Robbie across the small kitchen table, and it takes a second. But he feels me looking at him and hesitantly makes eye contact with me. He nods after a second. Watching the tears fill his eyes makes the first one fall from mine. 

I sniffle out of habit and see my dad turn to look at me out of the corner of his eye. That parent hearing, that intuition. Heat rises to my cheeks and I hear my name leave his lips. Then he turns to look at Robbie and sighs. 

“Dad, I can’t pretend anymore. I’m sorry, but I can’t. We can’t,” I say, my voice breaking at the beginning and staying that way. Tears shadow all of my words, and they only grow worse when I feel Robbie grab my hand under the table. “I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay because we know that it isn’t,” I finish, finally taking the next dreaded step. I look my father in the eyes and find in them the answer I’ve been searching for all day long. 

His ice-blue eyes, the same color as mine and Robbie’s, stare back at me. They too are full of unspent tears, but it doesn’t last long. Soon they are falling down his cheeks stubbly with graying hair. His long, tan fingers comb through his hair the same shade as that of the hair on his children’s heads. Gray streaks speckled throughout fall from his fingers when he lets go. He clenches his hand into a fist that hits the table. Dad stares it before he lets it relax. 

Looking back up, my heart lurches when his eyes reconnect with mine. Because I know what he’s going to say, and I don’t want to hear it. 

“I have prostate cancer . . Stage 2. That’s all they know right now.” 

Dropping Robbie’s hand, the kitchen chair moves back with a whine. I put one foot in front of the other before my hand is opening the door. My resolve falls when I reach the last cement step, and my legs can’t go any further. My butt lands on the step and I fall into myself. I feel the tears spill from my eyes and coat the legs of my jeans. Loud sobs leave my lips as my entire body shudders with each one. 

No. No. No. No. No 

No, not my daddy. 

Why my daddy?

Why my daddy who had to put up with an awful wife for years?

Why my daddy who gave his children everything they wanted?

Why my daddy who gave so much to everybody else?

He gave so much and did so much and this happens to him. 

No. Not him. It has to be some mistake. 

I can’t lose my daddy. 

I lost my grandpa and then Harry. 

I can’t lose another person I love. 

I can’t imagine not hearing his voice on the other side of the phone. Or not getting his hugs that seem to fix everything. Or hearing his whistling or god awful singing. 

I can’t live without my dad. 

Sniffling, my fingers search blindly for my phone. Finding it in my back pocket, I turn my head slightly to look through blurry eyes. Unlocking it, I press on the app I look for. My fingers race across the screen with each number. Then, the name inside of my head shows up on the screen. 

Harry 

My thumb wavers over the phone icon. I swallow and feel another tear hit my cheek. How is it that I haven’t heard your voice or seen your face in almost 9 months, and yet it’s the only one I want right now? 

I close my eyes and feel my forehead return to my knees. Pressing a button, my phone locks with a clicking sound. My arms wrap around my knees pulled to my chest, and I feel every tear. And every thought. 

Until minutes later when a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me into their chest. I let my head fall onto them as it shakes with a sob. And then another pair of arms wrap around us. I feel a kiss to my forehead before the stubbly cheek tickles the top of my head. 

“I’m not going anywhere, kids. I s-still need to see you lot get married. I need to watch you kick ass and become a lawyer. And walk Ree down the aisle, and make sure Bee names his firstborn son after me,” my dad cries, pulling his two children into the confines of his trembling chest. Robbie and I laugh, and our dad’s weak one echoes our own. “I’m gonna fight this. I might need your help, but I’m not giving up that easily. Your old man’s not a woosy.”

Laughs surround our tears as I hold onto my dad and my brother. A large part of my small world. 

“I’m not going anywhere, dad,” Robbie gets out with tear-soaked words. 

“And neither am I, daddy,” I echo, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck. 

I peek my eyes open and find Robbie on the other side of my knees. His head is lying on dad’s other shoulder. He reaches a hand across and intertwines his free hand with the one not wrapped around our dad. Unspoken words pass between us. After a few seconds, I know that the words we just spoke we promised to not just our dad, but to each other. 

We ask questions and he answers. He’s known for only a day or two. The appointment last Tuesday was for a checkup like he said. They were able to do the biopsy later in the day. We cry into each other, feeling the same fear and pain. Uncertainties sit in the air between us as the sun sets behind the oak trees in front of us. The scene in front of me couldn’t look any different from a night of my childhood. 

More than anything, I wish I could go back to one of those days. Ice lollies on the front steps sitting on dad’s jiggling knee. Him trying to get me to laugh. By his fingers tickling my ribs. His face contorting into funny faces. Or his imitations of characters I watched on the telly. His wrinkles and gray hairs gone. As well as his cute little beer belly. Mom calling for me to get in the bath with Robbie from inside the house. The Rolling Stones playing on the radio inside. Sounds of neighbor kids mingling with the music, as well as dogs barking. But we stay there and watch the shades of the rainbow paint the sky. 

Although I know that I can’t go back, I let myself sit in that safe memory for a moment longer. Because sitting on my dad’s strong, tan knee in that 4-year old moment, everything was okay. And I want to enjoy that for a few minutes longer before I have to return to reality. Before I have to start living in a reality where things won’t be okay for a while, because my daddy isn’t okay. And because of that, neither am I. 

I don’t know when I will be again. 

+

My footsteps echo on the tile floor. Each one makes a sound with its own name, like in the Dr. Seuss books my mum would read to me when I was a kid. 

Plop. 

Klopp. 

Dopp. 

“Would you bloody leave already? I’m sick of seeing your bleeding face,” a voice quips from behind me. 

I turn to find Myles following me. He titters with a smirk covering his stubbly face. 

“Oh, would ya shuddup?” I return with a shake of my head, combing my fingers through my hair, but not much hair greets them. 

“I thought you were done putting in these late nights,” he comments, his steps echoing my own now. 

Pushing open the door to the supply room, I step up to the copier. “Nah, I still have sum stuff t’ finish up. Gotta prep fer my case that starts Monday,” I answer him, punching in my code on the touch screen. 

A long ‘ah’ leaves his lips as he rummages in something behind me. Probably knicking some more of the nice pens before they’re gone. 

“Well, I’m not a workaholic like you, so I’m leaving work before 5 on a Friday,” he tells me, assuming that I care. I chuckle, shaking my head at his pompous words. The copier sounds back at me, and takes the paper away with a woosh. “Please don’t bloody sleep here again. I don’t wanna have to hear complaints from the cleaning staff. And I don’t wanna have to pay you more than I have to.” 

“I pay meself, ya cheeky bastard,” I scoff, turning to find him grinning as he stands with a foot out the door. 

But his smile falls and along with it comes a squeeze on the arm from him. “Really, Hare, if you need to sleepover here I don’t mind. I know it wasn’t a nice joke . . I’m glad to see you’re doing better, though. Meaning, not as many empty bottles in your bin,” Myles continues softly. My amused expression falls when the seriousness arrives in his tone. “Yeah, I noticed ‘em, mate. Glad they’re not there anymore. Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Keep at it.” 

All I know to do is nod. He returns it and I watch the back of his blonde head walk away. I sigh, picking up the stack of papers waiting on the tray. I grab the original and rummage in the drawers until I find a binder clip. I fasten the papers together as I take my time walking back to my office. It’s even a little quieter than a few minutes ago. When I glance at my watch, I see why. It’s 5 o’clock on the dot. 

Myles is gone. 

Amelia is too. 

Mick’s office door is dark and closed. 

So is Rory’s, to no surprise, because he probably went out for drinks with My. 

Rose is still working hard behind her closed door that classical music trickles out of. 

Pete nods at me as I pass him in the hallway with an empty mug. Probably on his way for a refill. 

But another person is still here. I see him before he sees me, but when he does I follow him to the shiny metal sliding doors. 

“Ya aren’t anxious t’ get a start on yer weekend like e’rybody else? Or did somethin’ in IT break an’ ya gotta fix it?” I ask, stepping onto the elevator. 

“Not really. It’s supposed to rain all weekend, so what’s the fun in that?” Asher replies, stabbing a random button. By now, I know the drill. 

Push a random button and we have that long to talk. 

About her. 

“Good ol’ Fall rainstorms,” I comment, and he nods silently. 

I hum a tune as the elevator dings with each floor we pass. And he doesn’t say a word, and yet neither do I. Because the point of these secret meetings is for him to talk. And for the most part, I just listen. It’s a silent understanding by now, or so I think. 

“Yer makin’ me nervous not sayin’ anythin’,” I say, trying to laugh and offset the awkwardness. But it doesn’t help. And neither does the distraught look on his face when he meets my eyes. 

“I need to tell you something,” he confesses quietly. 

“Well ya, tha’s kinda tha whole point o’ these secret elevator meetin’s,” I smile, trying again to liven up the atmosphere. But he doesn’t smile, or crack a joke. 

The smile I was toting around falls, and my mind swarms with thoughts. 

Scary ones. 

Worrying ones. 

Questions. 

Worst-case scenarios. 

“Asher, i-is Becks okay? Did something happen?” I hurry, the words tumbling from my lips. 

“Yeah, she’s okay, Harry. I guess you could say that.”

“Well, ‘s she hurt? Did she get inna accident? Break a bone? What ‘s it?” I ask, question after question spilling out. 

“No, none of that,” he answers, shaking his head emphatically. “She’s fine, physically.”

“Then what?!” I continue, prodding him for answers that he won’t give up. 

But the last part of what he says gets me. It hints at what he’s about to say, and it doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t pull a relieved sigh from my lips like I wish it could, but it’s not like that. 

When the gleaming metal doors slide open on the first floor, nobody is waiting there. Asher doesn’t give me time to look if anybody is coming, because he presses another button. Now, I know it’s serious. Pushed another button for extra time. Something happened. 

“Asher-.”

“She called me crying last night,” he begins. His voice is quiet and he sounds like he’s trying to keep the emotions out of it, but they’re heard in every word. “Her dad found out he has prostate cancer, and she’s a mess. I dunno how to help her, or if you could either. But I just hate seeing her in pain and upset,” he reveals, the words loaded and dark. 

I feel my back hit the railing on the wall, but I didn’t know that I was backing up into it. Something inside of my chest falls and for the first time in weeks, my thoughts are flooded with her. And I’m worrying about her, missing her, and wanting to hear her voice. I’m feeling all of the things and thoughts I’ve done such a great job at suppressing for the last few weeks. 

Because before, only the alcohol could, but I couldn’t do that anymore. I knew she’d be disappointed. And once that thought wormed its way into my brain, I couldn’t entertain it for more than a minute. And so I dumped out the bottles and threw them in the bin. 

Now, I feel myself fill with regret at that because once again I want to drown the feelings. 

Because I’m hurting thinking about all of the hurt and pain she’s feeling. 

“Yeah, I know whatcha mean,” is all I can say, because how the fuck do I put these thoughts into proper words? “Did she say anythin’ else ‘bout his diagnosis? Stages? Surgery? Chemo?”

“It’s still early, she doesn’t know a lot yet. I guess nobody does. He only just told her and Robbie last weekend. She’s trying to figure out how to rearrange her life to help take care of him,” Asher explains. I nod because that’s what you do when you don’t know what to say. 

I don’t get a chance to ask any more questions, because the doors slide open again. A red-headed gentleman steps off 17 and I decide to step on. Looking over my shoulder, I meet eyes with Asher. “Thank you, Asher . . I mean it.” 

He nods and I return it before turning around and walking back to my office. Goodbyes past between Rose and I, her long blonde curls dancing on her shoulders. Thunder clouds boom overhead and seconds later, I hear the rain begin falling onto the skylights. It makes the sounds from another Dr. Seuss book. 

Splatt.

Boom!

Dibble Dibble. 

Dopp Dopp. 

Country music pours from Pete’s office, bringing a confused smile to my face. But it only stays for a second, because my thoughts return to Becky. I sigh, twisting open my office door. I stop in my tracks when I hear my Fleetwood Mac ringtone filling my office. 

But it stops, and only then do my feet awake. Rushing over to my desk, I drop the stack of copies next to my computer. Forgetting them and working on prep work for my case, I shuffle through the mess on my desk. I lift up papers. Move books. Toss pens aside. Rearrange folders and pads of paper. And then I find it. The screen is black as it’s cupped in my hand. 

But in a matter of seconds, I awaken it and see who I missed a call from. The breath in my lungs stills and my breathing halts. My ass hits my chair with a sigh, and I wheel around to face the window. Angry storm clouds await me as rain falls hard against the foggy class. Tapping my temple with my finger, my thumb sits inches away from the screen. I debate whether to call the person back or not. 

Why would I? 

How can I? 

Should I?

I don’t have to decide, because the voice of Stevie Nicks spills from my phone’s speakers. And the image of that person’s face fills my screen. Their smile. Their magical eyes. Without hesitation, I slide my thumb across the screen. And press it to my ear. 

“Hullo?” I say slowly, barely loud enough to hear myself. Because I can’t believe it.

“Harry?” the voice replies. A question frames their familiar accent, but something else does too. Thick tears. 

“Becks . . are ya okay, love?”

[jeonchan26]

Used To Be (Part 2)

Warnings; I’m a sucker for angst, but I promise it will get better! 

*******************************************************************************************

 You were scared to go back to school after what happened with you ex. You don’t know how it was going to go but you knew that you couldn’t hide forever. this semester was almost over and you’ll be able to catch a break from everybody. You know you shouldn’t but you couldn’t help but think about Chan. You wonder if he stood up for you or did nothing. ‘Why am I thinking about him? He isn’t mine anymore’ you said to yourself while making yourself some hot chocolate. 

You heard a knock on the door, ‘who could that be this late?’ you thought as you made your way to the door. You felt your heart skip a bit when you open and you saw the one person that you love. “Christo-” you were cut off by his lips on yours. You didn’t even question it you were just happy that he was there. You were so lost in the kiss that you didn’t notice that he had picked you up and made his way to you room.

The whole night was nothing but love and pleasure, a night that you wouldn’t forget. 

The next morning you woke up with a smile on your face, you went to reach for Chan but you noticed that his side was empty. You were confused but you thought that maybe he was in the kitchen, you remembered that he would always make you breakfast after a long night. When you got to the kitchen you didn’t see him, the only thing you saw was a note on your island. 

Dear (y/n), 

I’m sorry that i left without saying goodbye but I wanted to tell you that last night was a mistake. It should of never happened, I came to see how you were doing since you miss class. But when I saw you I don’t know what came over me and we did what we did. I don’t regret it but it was a mistake. I’m sorry for hurting you more than I have. Just forget it ever happened. 

Chan.

For a second you thought it was a bad dream but it wasn’t, you couldn’t believe it. Chan really did that too you, he made you feel loved like old times to just throw you away. You felt like dying, this wasn’t your Chan, he didn’t hurt you never. You sinked into the floor hugging your knees bringing them closer to your body as you cried, feeling dirty, worse than anything you could imagine. 

Enough was enough you couldn’t live liked this, you can live like you can’t breath, like your drowning and can’t swim to shore. It was time to put yourself first, it was time to let go of what hurt you the most; Chan. 

Just a week left until winter break and the semester to be over and you couldn’t be more happier. Just 2 weeks ago, you and Chan shared a moment, and you were proud of yourself that you have not acknowledge nor him or his friends. You looked different, you started to take care of yourself first, you were starting to forget and move on but not completely. 

You were in your last class of the day when you saw Micheal approach you, you just rolled your eyes. “Wow! (y/n ) you look different.” You heard him say. “Okay and what about it Micheal?” You said with a sighed, the last thing you need was Micheal break down what you have work so hard to achieve, even if it wasn’t fully. “I’m just saying, you look good and you know now that your single maybe you and I can try again?” He said while putting his hand on your knee. You froze when you saw Chan in front of your desk, glaring at Micheal. “Micheal, I thought I told you to leave her alone!” He said while glaring at him.

“Christopher, I don’t need you defending me, thank you but I got it.” You told him while removing Micheal’s hand from your knee. “Yea Chan, (y/n) is a big girl she knows how to take care of herself.” Micheal said wrapping his arms around your waist. You saw Chan’s hurt expression but he nodded and walked away. “Look Micheal, I don’t know what you’re up too but let me tell you I don’t want anything to do with you” You said pushing him off and away. Micheal scoff calling you a bitch under his breath. 

You were so were thankful when the professor walked into the class and started the lesson. Half way through the lesson you started to feel sick, you didn’t have time to think you got up and ran out of the classroom into the nearest restroom. You threw up your lunch into the toilet, after you were done you washed your face and mouth, looking at yourself in the mirror. 

‘What the hell! That’s the 5th time this weak I’ve thrown up. Wait, when was my last period” You grabbed your phone out of you pocket and looked at the calendar, you were late. You were so caught up in your thoughts you didn’t hear the bathroom open and close. “(y/n) are you okay?” you heard someone said making you jump and dropping your phone. “Ahh shit, Chan? wtf! you scared me! you can’t be in here!” You yelled at him while turning around. 

“I’m sorry but I saw you run out of the class and I got worried.” He told you while grabbing your phone from the phone. “I’m not a concerned to you anymore, you made that clear when you started dating Rachel and used me.” You told him while getting your phone from his hand but not before he saw your calendar. “I’m sorry about that, I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. & I know dating Rachel hurt you but I’m happy with her. That night was a mistake & I’m sorry for hurting that way but I still care about you.” He said while looking into your eyes. 

You couldn’t help the butterflies that were growing bigger and bigger in your stomach, you couldn’t lie to yourself and say you didn’t love him anymore because deep inside you knew that no matter how hard you tried to forget him it was impossible. Chan was a huge part of your life, and you didn’t love anybody like you did him, not even Micheal.

“Are you late?” He asked you breaking your thought. “Huh? How do you know” You asked him shocked. “I saw your calendar?” he told you taking your phone from your hand showing you. “Oh umm yea but it doesn’t concerned you Chan!” you said walking away back into class, Chan right behind you. 

As soon as the bell rang, you ran out and went to the nearest store. You went in and grabbed what you needed, payed and raised home. To say your heart was going to explode was an understatement. You opened the pregnancy test, took it and waited. 3 minutes later you went to check it but got interrupted by a knock on your door, you grabbed the test and walk to the door and opened it.

“Christopher” you said as soon as you opened the door, dropping the test in process.

What do you guys think? Let me know

Part 3 coming soon! 

[alwayschoosechocolate]

One-night stands and one-shot chances (part ix)

University AU

Pairing: Jin x reader

Who says sex has to mean anything? Who says you can’t just screw around without all the heartache? Who says only guys get this privilege? What happens when the biggest playboy on campus suddenly meets his match and gets a taste of his own medicine?

Genre: casual sex, mentions of sex, bestfriend!Hoseok, onenightstand!Jin

Word count: 3300

Taglist: @esplosionedicoloriintesta​ @jeonjunggoodgod @rjsmochii​ @spookidema​ @pariz-lover​ @mymochimchimmy​ @seokjinnieismine​ @cloudyelizabeth​ @livesmileandstaystrong​ @thisistoooooomuch​ @okaysoplshelpme​ @secondstanza​ @eanielsen07​ @lidda​

Masterpost with the other parts of the story can be found here and my masterlist is here

A/N: Hi everyone! I hope you’re all doing well? I am sorry for the long wait, but life has been an absolute mess, and my love for writing kinda wilted for a while. I’m slowly finding it again, but regular updates won’t be something I can promise in the near future. Sorry! But thank you for waiting patiently for me and I hope you enjoy this update! 

// 

“Just… We can stay here, both of us. If you feel more comfortable with it, we can just act like we don’t know each other. Like we just share a kitchen. Or I can make sure to not get in your way and stay quiet. Or I can cook for you and we can eat together? Only if you want of course. Just. Whatever you feel most comfortable with. Just please don’t tell the others I’m here as well.”

His words were pleading, and his eyes widened in fright. Not of you. You were quite sure about that. But he was definitely afraid of something. He should be the one in control here. The one with the power to throw you out on your ass. And yet he was asking you for a favor.

“Okay. I won’t tell them. But I have a condition as well?”, you half stated, half asked, looking at him hesitantly, only to get an eager nod back. “No sexist comments. No flirting. No cheesy lines. No commenting on my body. This house will be a genderless, sexless, non-flirty safe-zone for the first time in it’s life,” you stated in a declarative tone, earning a snort of laughter from Jin.

“Whatever you say,” he laughed at you, and you found yourself grinning back at him.

Oh, this could be interesting. 

//

“Great! Then I’m gonna go shower,” you beamed, waltzing past him and into the bathroom. “If you want, we can have breakfast together afterwards?”, you inquired from your brief stop in the doorway.

Jins face lit up in a relieved soft smile, as he nodded eagerly.

“Sure, I can cook us something?”

“Sounds heavenly,” you hummed before closing the door behind you, leaving Jin in the hallway.

Okay, Jin. You got this, he thought to himself as he made his way to the kitchen. All you gotta do is be nice to her. No flirting. You can do it!

As he continued his inner pep-talk, he rummaged through the fridge, pulling out the ingredients he needed. Luckily, he had been grocery shopping yesterday, so he actually had everything he needed to make you a nice breakfast. Humming lightly as he cracked the eggs over the bowl, his mind started to wander. How come you hadn’t gone home with Hoseok? He had been so certain, that you would change your mind and go with him, but it seemed Hoseok had failed to convince you. What could be important enough for you to stay here? Probably work, but still. You had never turned down time with Hoseok and his family before.

Starting the rice-cooker, he couldn’t help but snort out a laugh. Who was he to judge? He was hiding in his own house from his own housemates, because his parents didn’t want anything to do with him. He was in no position to pass judgement on anyone at the moment. Briefly wondering what he would do if you asked, he shrugged of the thought as he chopped some vegetables for the pan. Why would you ask? Odds were, that you would eat when he cooked for you, briefly say hi in the hallway if you bumped into each other but stay on your own the rest of the time. You had shown no interest in him before. This set-up wouldn’t change that.

“Oh, you already cooked,” you hummed in appreciation as you walked into the kitchen, making Jin freeze on the spot. He felt caught in the act, even though he hadn’t voiced any of his thoughts out loud, and it took him a millisecond to snap out of it.

“Yes, I did,” he stated, still staring at you as you moved further into the kitchen to see what was in the pans. Say something else, you idiot. “It will taste egg-celent.” Anything but that.

Widening his eyes at his own failure of a joke, he took in your equally puzzled look, before your eyes lit up and your face split in a huge grin, as you laughed at his joke.

“Omg, Jin. That was awful,” you laughed with your head thrown back as you repeated the joke to yourself, making him smile sheepishly as well. As you smiled at him with your twinkling eyes, he felt his stomach somersault and his cheeks flushing.

“It does smell egg-celent though,” you joked, throwing him a wink as you helped yourself to some eggs, fried vegetables and the crispy bacon. Pouring yourself a glass of juice, you hoisted yourself up on the counter to eat, since the frat house of course didn’t have a dining room table. “So, what are you doing today?”, you asked just as Jin had stuffed his face full of rice, making you giggle as he sent you an exasperated look.

Uncomfortably aware of his still flushed cheeks, he hurriedly chewed through his food, almost choking on it as he swallowed.

“I actually don’t have anything planned. Might just lounge around and watch a movie or something,” he finally answered, making you look up from your plate with a soft look. The sun was shining in through the window behind you, making the air around you glow.

“Mind if I join?”, you asked, cocking your head in a manner scarily resembling Hoseok, making Jins lips turn up in a half smile, as he nodded to your question.

It was kinda endearing how close the two of you were, and how you had picked up on each other’s mannerisms. Like the head tilt or how Hoseok always cuddled the person closest to him. Although that might have been something you picked up as well, Jin mussed. Honestly, you were so close that it was hard to distinguish who used to do what. It was just really cute. Cute in the same way as how half of Hoseoks storage space in the kitchen was used for your snacks, and how he kept old sweatshirts around because he knew you liked to sleep in them.

As you rambled on about which movie to watch, Jin thought once again if there really wasn’t anything going on between you and Hoseok. You had slept in his room more times than he could count, you were always wearing his clothes and Hoseok never failed to take care of you, even camping out at your apartment for a week that one time you had gotten a really bad case of the flu. He was constantly attuned to your mood and needs, moving around thousands of other plans so he had time when you did. Even though he would never admit it, Jin knew that Hoseok had arranged all his lectures around your schedule last semester so he could walk you to class on Mondays and have lunch with you on Tuesdays and Fridays. The other boys had teased him about it countless time, but he always just shrugged it off without a comment.

“Jin?”, you asked with a giggle, literally snapping him out of his thoughts, when you snapped your fingers right in front of his face. “You there?”

“Yes, sorry! Just zoned out for a second,” Jin chuckled, shaking his head a bit. “Whatever movie you wanna watch, is fine with me.”

“Great! ‘27 dresses’ it is!”, you beamed at him with a mischievous giggle, making Jin smile softly.

“Sure, whatever you say.”

Whatever keeps you smiling and laughing like that.

As Jin cleaned the kitchen – your idea – you went to get your computer from Hoseoks room. Grabbing it off the bed, you saw your phone blinking with an unseen notification. Before you even had time to check it, it lit up again, flashing Hoseoks picture across the screen as he tried to reach you.

“Hobi!”, you squealed in excitement, as you secured your phone between your shoulder and chin, grabbing the glass of the table with your now free hand. “How are you? How was the feast yesterday?”

“Hi Y/n. You’re on speaker with the rest of the family, so don’t say anything stupid,” he warned you and you could hear both the laugh in his voice and the smack someone gave him on the back of his head.

“Can’t top anything you’ve said anyway, Seokie,” you laughed, as you walked back to the kitchen to deposit your glass. Jin was standing by the sink, drying the last plate, and he turned towards you with a panicky expression when he heard you mention Hoseoks name, to which you simply rolled your eyes and held your finger to your lips, so he would stay quiet.

“Y/n, honey. We miss you here. I really wish you would come by at least for a few days,” Hoseoks mom spoke up. You smiled softly at her words and was about to answer her, when you heard the tone indicating, that they were trying to video chat you. “Let me at least see you, so I know you’re doing well.”

“Ehm, now is not really a good time,” you stuttered, almost dropping your phone in an attempt to decline the request only to accidentally accept it and make Hoseoks entire family show up on your screen. Letting out a little squeal you quickly whipped around so the camera wouldn’t show Jin in the background.

“What are you screaming for? It’s just us,” Hoseok laughed, taking in your rather flustered and panicky state, as you threw a look over the phone only to find the kitchen empty.

“Ehm. Sorry, I just tripped walking into the kitchen,” you quickly lied, as your eyes darted around the room trying to locate Jin. “How are you guys?”

“Hun, you don’t look so good,” Hoseoks sister cooed, moving her head closer to the screen to get a better look. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Oh yes, I’m peachy. Just a bit tired, I guess.” Sending her a quick smile, you slowly made your way around the kitchen island.

“Peachy, huh?” Hoseok repeated, and you could easily hear the smirk in his voice. He knew something was up. Dammit. Taking the last step around the corner you found the kitchen completely empty, making you whip around in confusion.

“Yes, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me,” you smiled sweetly, as you tried to figure out if Jin was really gone. Goddammit.

“Uh-huh,” Hoseok laughed, walking away from his family. “Y/n, just remember to change the sheets, yeah?”, he laughed wickedly into the phone, as he switched the video off.

“Huh? What are you talking about, Hobi?”

“I saw the dude in the background,” he snickered, making you gasp loudly. “Y/n, I don’t mind. Really. Just please wash the sheets before I get back, alright. I won’t bug you anymore. Have fun, alright? Bye babe!”

Removing the phone from your ear, all you could do was stare at it dumbfoundedly, before you groaned in frustrating. Great. Now you would need to figure out a cover story for who you were with.

“Jin!”, you roared. “Where the hell are you?

As he sheepishly stepped out from his hiding place the behind the door frame, you sent him a stern look.

“What on earth were you doing? You told me not to tell the others! You need to help me keep that promise!”

“Hey, I wasn’t the one who chose to video chat all of the sudden! And I literally dropped to the floor, when you answered, alright!”, he yelled back, adrenaline still pumping from crawling around on the floor to stay out of sight. “You see this?”, he asked, lifting his shorts so you could see the bruises already forming on his knees. “I was a freaking ninja, thank you very much.”

For a second complete silence hung over the kitchen, until you couldn’t help but burst out laughing at Jins wronged look as he was still pointing to his knees. Jin was completely taken aback by your sudden laugh and simply blinked at you as you doubled over in laughter.

“Omg, did you really just call yourself a ninja?”, you asked between laughs, making Jins face split in a grin as well.

“Hell yeah, I did. You did not see what I did to stay out of sight,” he laughed with you, relishing in how easily the atmosphere went back to being relaxed and happy.

“Oh, please show me,” you pleaded with a twinkle in your eyes, and it took nothing more for Jin to throw his body on the ground again, causing you to actually crouch on the floor and clutch your stomach from laughter as the tears sprang from your eyes. Dragging his body over the floor in a mock-version of how he did it mere minutes before, had you howling with laughter as you rolled around on the floor. Hearing him grunt and huff as he dragged himself around the kitchen island and his face popping up as he made it back to your side made you absolutely loose it, as you grabbed onto his arm, throwing yourself across his chest as your laughs echoed through the kitchen. Simply happy to have you near him, he let his arm rest across your back, as you both laughed it out.

Drawing one last deep breath, you settled against his warm chest, feeling it rise with each breath he took. He was comfortable. At least now, you reminded yourself. Well, he was comfortable that night as well. He just hadn’t been comfortable since. Jin had a way of holding you so you felt safe and cared for – the same way that Hoseok made you feel safe.

Lifting your head, you rested your chin on your hand looking up at him.

“Can I ask you something?”, you spoke softly, afraid of breaking the bubble of trust and intimacy around you.

He placed an arm behind his head, and you felt his long fingers on the other hand ghost along your spine.

“Sure, what’s up?”, he hummed, making you shiver lightly at the sound of his deep voice.

Damn. No wonder, he was such a hit with the women on campus. He knew exactly how to reel them in.

“Why aren’t you home with your parents?”

You felt him tense up at your words, his fingers stopping in their path as he drew a sharp breath.

“I didn’t want to go home this year,” he spoke through tight lips. It wasn’t exactly true, but it wasn’t a lie either. “Why aren’t you with Hoseok? Or your own parents?”, he countered.

“I have work,” you spoke, lying back against his chest as you felt his fingers start their journey again. “And papers I have to turn in. God, I feel like college is just an endless line of papers, that you need to turn in.” Groaning at the thought you felt the chuckle rumble through Jins chest.

“Alright, so you’ll work, come home and I’ll have dinner on the table. I can be the perfect housewife to your working man,” he joked, making a smile tug at your lips.

“The idea of the wife staying home and the man working is so archaic though,” you huffed in slight annoyance. “But I appreciate the thought! Maybe I can be the working woman, and you can be the perfect spouse?”, you suggested with a snort.

“I don’t even get to be the husband or man?”, Jin whined in feigned outrage, making you laugh again.

“Nope,” you stated, popping the p. “Remember, this is a genderless zone.”

“Well, then you can’t be a working woman either,” he countered, making you giggled again and he relished in how you tightened your hold on him when you laughed. “You would be a working… specimen!”

“Why can’t I just be a human?”, you whined between laughs.

“No way. Human is too ordinary. You could also be a working flower?”, he suggested, making you look up at him with slightly squinted eyes.

“I thought, we agreed on no flirting?”, you teased with a wicked grin.

“Oh, I am not flirting,” Jin said in a very serious tone. “I am simply naming genderless nouns. There is also cat, dog, kitten, baby, house, tree, bench, doll, sofa, cupcake…”

“I’m pretty sure at least a few of those are used as pet names regularly, but alright,” you stated matter-of-factly, enjoying the banter.

“So you’re telling me that by calling you doll, I am actually allowing you to chose your own gender?”, Jin asked, a laugh lurking just below the words.

“In theory, yeah. But a doll is inanimate. It has no soul, choices or actions. It’s not even alive,” you argued, involuntarily scrunching your nose at the name.

Jin stayed quiet for a second, musing over your words.

“But that means, I can call you flower, right? It’s genderless but still alive, and I know for a fact, that most flowers move during the day to keep their petals towards the sun, so it’s not inanimate and it has actions,” he finished with a proud smile and glowing eyes, causing you to shake your head at him with a giggle.

“Fine, I’ll allow ‘flower’, but nothing else!”

“Oh, I will never need another name for you, my flower,” he teased, lightly tickling your sides to make you roll off him. “And now to the living room, my flower!”

Jumping to his feet, he held out a hand for you and pulled you off the floor, before actually skipping into the living room with you giggling on his heels.

“You know, you’re really nice to be around, Jin,” you laughed at him, as you let yourself fall back against the couch. “Like I knew you were fun, but I really enjoy being around you. When you’re not flirting that is,” you reminded him, making him widen his eyes at you.

“Moi? Flirting? Je ne ferais jamais,” he pouted at you with a wicked glint in his eye.

“You speak French?” Widening your eyes in surprise, you gave him a smack on the arm. “So when I was struggling with that intro course on French Philosophers, you could have helped me?”

“That was honestly the only course I ever aced,” he countered with a shit-eating grin, making you huff out in annoyance. “Oh, come on, flower. None of the other guys know about it either. There is no need to get your panties in a twist.”

Turning towards his computer to find the movie, he missed the slight blush sneaking up your cheeks by how casually he had slipped in his new nickname for you. Sneaking a glance at him, you admired his features as he clicked around on the computer. It was easy to dismiss his good looks when he was being an ass, but now when he was actually acting like a human being, it was impossible to overlook.

“Alright, ’27 dresses’, right?” Turning to you for confirmation, he found you already looking at him with inspecting eyes. “Ah, you checking me out, flower? I thought you said no flirting. Flowers really do turn towards the sun,” he teased you, making you roll your eyes and give him a light shove.

“The only sun in my life is Hobi, and we both know you could never compete with him for that title,” you countered, before settling back against his side, cuddling closer to him. “But flowers need water as well.”

“Are you calling me a sea?”, he scoffed in annoyance at the nickname, although it was hard to stay mad with you cuddling him.

“Flowers can’t grow in saltwater. They need clear water. Like from the rain.”

“So, I’m rain to you? Cold, wet and unpleasant?”, he frowned, making you giggled at his hurt tone.

“I happen to like the rain,” you hummed, as you pressed play on the computer. “It symbolizes growth and a new start. What’s not to like about that?”

// next part //

[fulcrumahsokaamidala]

Saturday Spectacular #19

Happy Saturday!!! So this is me thanking awesome fanfic writers for their amazing work and all the time they put into their fics. ♥️ I want to recommend spectacular fanfic stories I read this week! ♥️ All posts will be tagged #saturday spectacular fic rec

Hello friends, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. It’s been a crazy few months. This semester I started college and am getting an associate's degree in one year that means I’m taking 23 credits this fall term. It’s been a bit crazy but I’ve still been read fic so this what I’ve read since September 21. It’s not going to be in order.

light upon darkened dreams by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: After the events of 8x04, Oliver remains awake long into the night, getting lost in his thoughts about his children and Felicity. It's a good thing he isn't asleep, because he catches Mia suffering from a horrific nightmare. How can a father comfort his daughter from the future from a bad dream when they're still practical strangers to each other?

Artemis by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When the Queen’s Gambit sank, two people were stranded on Lian Yu. Five years later, four came back.

Daughter of the Demon by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: What if in 1988 while traveling through Las Vegas Ra’s al Ghul bumps into a nice waitress named Donna Smoak and they have one-night stand together? A little bundle of joy named Felicity Smoak is the result. In 2014, the Demon Head becomes aware of his youngest daughter’s existence.

The Ravager by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Slade Wilson’s plan for revenge against Oliver took time, money and no shortage of lives to pull together. His plan didn’t anticipate Felicity Smoak. How will his plan change now that his lost-lost daughter is working with the very man he’s trying to destroy?

Felicity of Themiscyra by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Years ago, Donna Smoak left the island of Themiscyra and her sister Queen Hippolyta behind to live in man’s world. She never told Felicity the truth about where she came from. As a result of the Undertaking, Felicity discovers some of her Amazonian abilities and makes an interesting new friend: Diana Prince.

The Daughter That Was Left by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Before the Gambit, Oliver Queen met QC intern Felicity Smoak. When he boarded the Gambit, he left something behind. Now, five long years later someone is waiting for him.

I Scream But No Sound Comes out by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When Oliver returns from Lian Yu after five years, he comes back different. What happened there damaged more than just his body. How will his friends and family deal with this new Oliver?

The Point of No Return by @oneofthosecrazygirls-fics | Arrow | Completed

Summary Oliver and Felicity prepare for their first date. This fic is part of the What Should’ve Been ‘verse, but can be read as a stand-alone fic.

Can’t Help Falling in Love by @smoaking-greenarrow | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Collection of fluff fics based on Tumblr prompts! Some are angsty, but most of this is fluffy. Enjoy!

Let the Light Shine Through by @griever11 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Your heart starts healing and it’s a slow process. After all, it’s been in shambles; sharp, cruel pieces of rubble lying on the bottom of your rib cage for so long. Wounds heal, as they say. They’ll scar, and they hurt, but they heal.

Baby Daddy by more0rLessJess | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Bartender Oliver Queen was living his twenties to the fullest, he lived with his best friend John Diggle, and his brother in everything but blood, Tommy Merlyn just moved into their apartment as he started his professional baseball career for the Starling City Rockets. On top of that, his childhood best friend Felicity Smoak, who was no longer goth and instead blonde and beautiful, was back in town and they were hanging out again. Oliver thought his days were going to be filled with partying, one night stands, and boys weekends while also spending quality time with the girl everyone kept telling him he was in love with. Until his ex girlfriend dropped a baby on his doorstep who turned out to be his son. After a lot of thought and Felicity Smoak peptalks, Oliver decides to keep and raise his son with the help of his friends. Or the Freeform sitcom Baby Daddy AU that no one asked for but I needed to write. Aka Oliver and Felicity are childhood friends and are hopelessly in love with eachother and everyone knows but them, oh and now they're raising a baby. What could go wrong?

call me my love, day or night by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: As Mia and William are enjoying their Monte Cristos, Oliver receives a phone call from somebody who is not Curtis. Somebody who is far, far more important.

and you'll blow us all away by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Oliver desperately tries to connect with his daughter but it seems all he needed was a photograph and the memory of a woman both of them love more than anything. [Post-8x04 Oliver & Mia moment]

Fight To Live by CSM | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Post 803. Oliver's conversation with adult William and Mia does not go as planned and there is only one person that can help him. Takes places directly after the episode.

New York's Finest (Supernatural) Detectives by BillCipherpines | Brooklyn Nine-Nine & Shadowhunters | Completed

Summary: Jake Peralta is 100%, without a doubt, definitely sure that his friend Simon Lewis is a vampire. But when he sets out to prove it to his friends they get sucked into the world of Shadowhunters and realize that petty drug dealers are the least of New York's problems. But not to worry, New York's finest Shadowhunters are on the case

The Unlikeliest Places by @griever11 | Arrow | Completed

Summary: 'It all starts on an unassuming Friday evening. Or rather, if she’s being honest with herself, everything else in her life ends on that Friday.' 

An AU meeting fic where Felicity Smoak accidentally-on-purpose stumbles upon some shady activity as an IT tech for Queen Consolidated and realises that she really isn't being paid enough for any of this.

In Another Life (I could be your man) by angelicmisskitty | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Their lives couldn't be more different - and yet Oliver can't take his eyes off the beautiful blonde woman that leaves the subway every morning at 7.43am. There is something about her that makes him look up every morning - something that also makes him aware he'll never be good enough for her, or that she'd even notice him.

He had no idea how much his life would change the day he rushed over to help her...

Olicity AU - no Lian Yu, no saving the city (at least not in the way we know from Arrow :D )

Here At Last by thecomebackkids99 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: A 8x04 spec fic of what happens right after Mia, William, and Connor are transported to the bunker.

Against All Odds by CSM | Arrow | Completed

Summary: Post 3x14. Time Travel. Going back in time. Changing the future is not an exact science but he knows if anyone can do it, it’s her. If there is one thing Eleanor Queen can do, is be a hero. After all she has heroes’ blood pumping through her veins.

Lucas' Adventures by CSM | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Post 2x07. One late night in the foundry Oliver finds an abandoned baby, who he later finds out is his biological son, the only thing is the baby seems to think Felicity is his mother, which is impossible. Or is it? aka, Mia Smoak gets tired of her baby brother and sends him to 2013 where their unsuspecting parents find him. Companion piece to Impeccable Genetics.My contribution for the Olicity Summer Sizzle

“Time for a story” Drabble Series by @smkkbert | Arrow | WIP

Summary: This fic shows Olicity and their life as a (married) couple with family. Although Olicity (and their kids) are the protagonists, other characters of Arrow and Flash make appearances. It started as a drabble series, but developed more and more into a full domectic AU. Although some chapters are still drabble-like, there are longer storylines by now.

With You by @griever11 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Post 8x03 Leap of Faith. Oliver, William and Mia have a lot of feelings and in classic Queen fashion, have somewhat of a hard time expressing them. Oliver learns about the future and his kids try to make sense of the past.

in the here and now by @alexiablackbriar13 | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Set immediately post-8x03. “Dad?” Oliver stares in utter disbelief at the trio who have appeared on the bunker platform along with him in a blinding flash of light. For a good couple of seconds, his brain just… stops functioning. He’s so astonished that he can’t think, he can’t breathe, he can’t feel anything but shock.

The Blame Game by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: After they recover from their sudden appearance in the past, what's left of FTA still need to deal with what happened before they left. Mia and Connor both seek a moment of peace and Mia's brother and father are the guiding hand she needs as she feels like she's drowning.

There Are Two Sides to Every Story by @oneofthosecrazygirls-fics | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Susan Williams and Bethany Snow are two of Starling City’s most prominent journalists...but their styles are very different.This is a series of articles written by these two journalists from the time of the sinking of the Queen’s Gambit to the present day.**set in the What Should’ve Been ‘verse**

Campfire Stories by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Samantha has finally agreed to allow William to spend a month of his summer vacation with Oliver, Tommy, and Felicity. William asks to spend his first weekend with Oliver camping - alone. Oliver is more than a little nervous to spend time alone with his son when he still feels like a stranger.

The First Time by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Every love story has a beginning, theirs started with a death.

Home Is Where You Are by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity is away on business and missing home. Tommy surprises her with an unexpected visit.

The Italian Restaurant by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity, Oliver and Tommy go on their first date which leads to other firsts.

Cobble Hill by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Tommy surprises Oliver and Felicity with a proposal that will mark a milestone in their relationship.

Up All Night by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: After a close call in the field, Oliver and Felicity reconnect.

Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow? by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Donna arrives for an unexpected visit and Felicity must decide if she is going to reveal the truth about her relationship with Oliver and Tommy.

Wherever You Are, There I Am by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: The history of Oliver Queen and Tommy Merlyn's relationship.

Burgers & Lies by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Tommy confronts Felicity about a secret she has been keeping.

Welcome Home by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity has been away for two weeks and missing her guys. Oliver and Tommy are very happy when she returns from her trip early.

Twenty Questions Over Brunch by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Thea has a few questions for Felicity about her relationship with Oliver and Tommy.

Look Me In The Eye And Make Me Feel The Truth by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: A night out in the public eye might be more than their relationship can take.

Three by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity hasn't been acting herself all week. Tommy and Oliver finally confront her and they aren't prepared for what she tells them.

Practical Jokes and Other Misunderstandings by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Oliver and Tommy tell Thea about their relationship.

House Warming by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Oliver, Felicity and Tommy celebrate their first night together in their new home.

Perfect by @realityisoverrated-fic | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Felicity receives a call in the middle of the night from a distraught Tommy.

Nine to Five by @griever11​ | Arrow | Completed

Summary: The new receptionist at Oliver's office is weird, quirky and really cute but totally not his type. At all. Or so he tells himself. An Arrow/The Office AU.

keep this love in a photograph by @alexiablackbriar13​ | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: An alternate 8x01 scene.Moira suspects that there is more to her son than meets the eye when Oliver returns home from the island after twelve years.When she catches him with the photo he's carrying around of him with Felicity Smoak and a baby, a confrontation and an emotional conversation ensue.

Mothers know best by @smkkbert​ | Arrow | Completed

Summary: Since they have been kids, they have been best friends. Since they have been friends, their mothers wanted them to be together.After coming back from the east coast, Felicity takes over a position at Queen Consolidated, the company her best friend will soon take over from his father. Their mothers still push for them to be together, and they seem closer to that goal than ever because wedding bells are ringing. The only problem is that they both plan to get married to someone else.

The Legacy of a Queen by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | WIP 

Summary: Series of one-shots from a future AU where Oliver and Felicity are able to raise their children after they defeat the Ninth Circle and Oliver hangs up the hood

A Brother in Arms by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | WIP 

Summary: “I just… she really found me and sent you here?” He asks quietly and John’s face morphs from concern into a sad smile as he nods.“Oliver, you know she’d be here herself if it weren’t for Mia.”“I… it’s been a week. She said she’d find me but I didn’t expect…” Missing moment from 8x01 where John and Oliver discuss Felicity finding Oliver and sending John to Earth-2 to help his brother.

Providence by @so-caffeinated | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Will Queen has struggled in silence in the year since he was shot. But when a shadowy crime lord known as Domino targets the only woman Will’s ever truly loved, fate forces him to confront his demons in ways he never could have imagined… Whether he wants to or not. Amelia Prescott has fought to take control of her life since learning two years ago that her personal and professional worlds were manipulated by others. But nothing can prepare her for just how hard she’ll have to fight to set her own course, especially when her heart belongs to a damaged man and a crime lord threatens her every professional move… And her life. Destiny brings them together, but as chaos reigns and personal demons haunt Will and Amelia both, it may also threaten to tear them apart.

What Are You Doing Here, Miss Queen? by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | WIP 

Summary Sara Lance prides herself on knowing people, she gets them in a way a lot of others struggle with. So when a mysterious blonde shows up to help with the fight of their lives, Sara is surprised when there's something about her that she just can't put her finger on. That is until she figures out that this supposed 'Green Arrow from another earth' is actually Oliver's time-displaced daughter. [Sara sees straight through Mia's Crisis disguise, confronts her about what she's doing in the past, and forces father and daughter into a conversation that is clear they needed to have]

the true meaning of sacrifice by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Around five years after Crisis, Felicity is surprised and angry when a group of three heroes show up at her door demanding help from her.

i will find you again by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: a short-introspective on oliver in s8 inspired by the scene in the trailer as he takes a moment to remember the reason he's fighting. his wife, his children... they give him the strength he needs to be the hero the universe requires

Paging Dr. Smoak by @laxit21 | Arrow | WIP

Summary: When Oliver Queen gets into a car accident, he meets Dr. Felicity Smoak. He had no idea how much a chance meeting would change his life.

little wonders (twists and turns of fate) by @alexiablackbriar13​ | Arrow | Completed  Summary: Oliver and Felicity's drunken mistake of a hook-up in the bunker comes with unexpected consequences in the form of a... souvenir.Deciding to remain romantically uninvolved, the two of them will have to battle all the trials and tribulations of maintaining a platonic relationship while Felicity is pregnant and the two of them are living together, coping with all the emotional baggage that they both bring to the table - and dealing with the fact that they are still very much in love with each other, but scarred by the events that broke them apart in the first place.

time falls away (in these small hours) by @alexiablackbriar13​ | Arrow | Completed

Summary: Missing scene and side-story oneshots and drabbles set within my S5 post-bunker sex AU little wonders (twists and turns of fate). (Will contain spoilers) Summary for little wonders: Oliver and Felicity's drunken mistake of a hook-up in the bunker comes with unexpected consequences in the form of a... souvenir. 

Must be what I need by Nerdofmanytalents | Arrow | One-shot

Summary: Thea gets to meet the reason for her brother's preoccupation of late. Its both exciting and terrifying.

Hawkins: The Upside by allonsysilvertongue | Stranger Things | WIP

Summary: A collection of one shots featuring Joyce Byers and Jim Hopper.Recent Update: "I think you're beautiful."

Welcome to Starling Prep Elementary by inlovewithimpossibility | Arrow | Completed

Summary: When William Clayton and Adalyn Smoak bond over being the two new kids in Starling Prep Elementary's first-grade class, their parents are not prepared for what comes of their children's friendship. Plus, it doesn't hurt that both Oliver and Felicity are single.

Our Version of Events by @machawicket​ & @geneeste​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Action star Ollie Queen is trying to clean up his image and land parts that require him to do more than appear shirtless while fighting stuntmen. Pop star Felicity Smoak wants to be seen as an adult in time for the release of her new, grittier album. And talent manager John Diggle’s got an idea about what coverage of Oliver and Felicity’s brand new (and totally fake) romance could do for them both.

Workouts and Babbles by @elasticmonk​ | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Oliver comes to the rescue of one cute blonde at his gym just as Felicity stumbles upon one handsome mayor at her gym. They both have something in common, but will it bring them happiness?

Bodyguard by originalhybridlover | Arrow | WIP

Summary: Felicity needs a new bodyguard and Diggle referred her to an old friend, Oliver Queen. Unknowingly she meets the man she would one day marry.

Let me know if you want to be tagged!

@hope-for-olicity @emdee8907 @malafle @laxit21 @icannotbelieveiamhere

[timelock97]

Game Changer

Chapter Two: A New Game, A New Discovery

Word Count: 3155 

Warnings:  Language

_________________________________________

The summer before the new semester was long, and I missed Leon a lot. Leon was busy in Galar, trying to figure out why I wasn't even able to come in the first place, as well as keeping himself in shape for the season. On the other hand, I spent the summer working my tail feathers off, and on the occasion spent some much needed time with friends.

My group of friends from high school had always stayed close, even though we went to different schools. We spent countless hours talking about new games and shows that were out, but also throwing in stories from the year: failed flirting attempts, horrible teachers, funny all-nighters, you name it. However, one of the hot topics we talked about, or at least three out of four talked about, were the new Pokemon games. Ginny, Aaron, and I had spent a majority of the summer speculating the new game and they attempted to fill me in on what I had missed from the past few games.

"Wait, how much have you actually missed," Aaron had asked as he steered the boat to head back to the house to pick up Max to continue our lazy wandering and conversing.

I stretch my arms over the back of my seat, Ginny giggling as I make a face in thought, "Uh, the last game I played I had Piplup as my starter-"

"So generation four." Ginny concludes, making Aaron laugh.

"I'm really behind." I giggle, leaning back against the seat, soaking in the sun.

"Oh yeah, definitely behind. I think a crash course is needed."

"I think you'll enjoy it more going in blind." Ginny giggles, moving to sit next to me. "Besides, it'll be fun either way to see what you think."

"The game cannot get here fast enough!" I cheer excitedly, ready to explore the newest region on my new console.

~

Leon sighs into the receiver. "Sorry it didn't work out for this summer, love."

I shift my phone between my ear and my shoulder as I gather my school supplies from the backseat, I had one more week before school started back up and I was already feeling restless. "Quit apologizing, Lee. It's not your fault there is some weird process for me to get approved to come to Galar. You wouldn't have known. Besides, they were happy I was able to come back and work for the summer." They being an old diner that can't seem to hold servers. I was used to the workload and the usual people that came in, which meant better tips. "How was your season?"

"Good as always, Raihan gave me a run for my money, but still ended up on top. Hop is just happy to have me home."

"Well they are probably even happier knowing you don't need to come back here." I walk over to the front door and shove my key in the lock and slip inside.

"Yeah, the Chairman has been having me running ragged; doing errands and practicing."

"Hopefully nothing too hard," I smile as I set my bag down on the floor.

"Nothing I can't handle." His voice is teasing, and it makes me miss him more. I don't say anything as I unpack my stuff, just hum into the phone. "Are you excited for school?"

I laugh, shaking my head, "More like already ready for break. You are coming for Thanksgiving, right?"

"Already have it on my calendar." He hums, making me smile. "You're going to do amazing this year, you know that? You always amaze me with how much you know."

A blush warms my cheeks, damn do I miss this boy. "And you are gonna do amazing things in Galar. Just remember to take some time for yourself too, okay?"

I hear his sigh as I sit on a kitchen chair. "I'll try my love. I will try." There is a long pause, and for a second I think he hung up until, "I really miss you."

"I miss you too, Lee. November, and then you will be here."

"Doesn't make the waiting any easier."

"I know, but keeping yourself busy will ease it a little." I turn toward my stuff before sighing. "As much as I want to stay on the phone with you, handsome, I really need to study for that test I have next week."

He chuckles, his voice soft. "I know, I'll call you tomorrow. That okay?"

"Sounds perfect." I smile, "I love you, Leon."

"I love you too, my love."

~

I practically throw my stuff onto the ground as I enter the house, new game already in hand. Aiden, my little brother, follows in behind me complaining about school and how some of his friends were being annoying. My mom lifts her head from what she is completing on her laptop, giving us a lopsided smile. "You look excited, and you look like you need to go take a nap."

Aiden groans again before placing his face into her shoulder to complain in muttered tones as I move about the room to get my things together.

"I am headed to Ginny's, I don't expect to be home until about nine or ten-"

"Don't forget you have a dog, (Y/N)-"

"I will be home by nine then, and no worries I know," I giggle, rubbing Buster's head, the little Australian Shepard pup is bouncing at my feet as I slip my shoes and coat back on. "Sorry, bud. Go ask Aid, he will probably love to take you outside to run."

Aiden happily agrees as I wave one last time to my mom before slipping back outside. The drive is quick thanks to Ginny only living outside the neighborhood. I pull into her driveway and park in my usual spot, practically running to the door.

I hear her dog bark as I make it onto the porch, "Are you excited?!" Ginny's voice calls from behind her front door. She opens it quickly, pushing her dog aside as I enter.

"You know it!" I call back, stepping inside, my hand falling onto her chocolate labs head to keep him from slipping out the door. "Afternoon, Theo." I coo as I scratch under his chin before turning toward my best friend and pulling her into a hug. "How far are you?"

"Not too far, I've just been exploring." Ginny smiles as she motions me to follow her. The two of us clamber down the stairs, talking quietly about school and her job. Once settled on the couch she grabs her switch from where it sits on the floor plugged in.

I finally get to take a break, no school, no classmates, no responsibilities besides playing the game.I pop out the game already inside the console and replace it with the new game. "Here we go, here we go, here we go!" I sing, making Ginny laugh.

I turned up the volume and let the game start. As it starts through the main intro I decided to read along aloud, simply to get a laugh out of my best friend, making comments all the way. Until I come across the name of the region,"Galar?"

"Yeah, that's the region this game." Ginny states nonchalantly, eyes never leaving her switch.

I nod, eyes reading along. I let out a squeal, "Look at the elephant!"

"I know! I don't know what it is, but I want it!" Ginny giggles back.

"My name is Rose, and it is a pleasure to be here."

"Rose?" I whisper, no it's just a coincidence on the name and place, it's not the place Leon had been describing the past four years

"Now turn your gaze to the Galar region's greatest Pokemon Trainer, your undefeated champion..."

"It's time for Champion Leon's exhibition match!"

My eyes watch as the screen lights up, as it brings the game's champion into view and my breath hitches, making Ginny look up at me.

"What's wrong?"

I shake my head and stare wordlessly as the battle begins, Charizard dynamaxes and the shield logo appears on the screen. It quickly switching over to the protagonist, showing off "Wooloo?"

"Isn't wooloo adorable?" Ginny smiles, but she can see the confusion on my face. "You good?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think." I mutter as I get into the game. As the game continues, my heart gets a little tighter. Hop arriving at the protagonist's house, telling her to meet him at his, taking the main character to meet his brother at the train station. "God, Hop is a little shit," I giggle, Ginny agreeing with me with a laugh. "Like how long have I been living next to him and I haven't met his brother once? Aren't we like the best of friends?" Finally I have to stop, saving after choosing Scorbunny and setting my switch down into my lap. "Ginny?"

"Yeah?" She doesn't even look up.

I go to the screen shots on my switch and pull up a picture of Lee, my Lee, on my phone. "Please tell me I'm imagining things."

Ginny sets down her switch before shifting closer to me. She takes the phone from my hand before looking back at my switch. I watch as her eyes widen before she shakes her head. "Okay, this just has to be a coincidence." She raises her head to look at me, "They just look really similar-"

"That's what I thought, except Lee's boss is Chairman Rose, he lives in Galar which is an island off of the United Kingdom, his little brother's name is Hop-"

"(Y/N)." Ginny lets out a nervous giggle, but I continue.

"Ginny, he has even described animals for me to draw and one of them I just saw on screen." I can feel a headache coming on, and my anxiety is starting to settle in. "He has described his whole home and hometown to me and my character just ran through it." I place my head in my hands, putting pressure on the places that are aching.

She looks between the photos, she knows exactly what I am talking about. She has heard all about what Lee has told me, and seen the pictures in my sketchbook. She takes a breath, "Look, you can't prove anything right now. If he knows that this is a huge coincidence, he would tell you."

"I don't know, Ginny..."

"You have to have faith in him, you know how he is. He will tell you-"

"If he even knows." I whisper, lifting my head.

She nods, "And if he doesn't, then you will just have to bring it up. Everything will work out." She nudges my side, "C'mon, let's turn on YouTube for a bit then we can try and get back to the game."

~

I sit in my room that evening, I didn't go much further in the game even though I wanted to. My eyes linger on my cell phone, text messages open to Leon's messages.

_________________________________________

Lee Lee

I'll be at work til late, but I just want to tell you goodnight and that I love you.

Hope your day was good, gorgeous

_________________________________________

He could just be someone who works for the games and didn't tell me? But then why did he need a business degree, especially here? I rub my forehead as my dog crawls over to me and places his head on my lap, a sign that I should really be headed to bed. But my mind is reeling, and sleep probably wasn't going to happen for another few hours. Tonight would be a night I would lose sleep over.

I wake the next morning by Buster pressing his cold nose into my cheek. I sigh as I rub a hand through his fur before sitting up in bed and seeing Leon had texted me.

_________________________________________

Lee Lee

Good morning, my love.

I hope you didn't stay up too late playing your game 😉

I'll call you later today after I see Hop back home

(He has been asking when you are coming to visit)

I love you!

_________________________________________

My fingers move across the screen in habit, telling him good morning as well, but adding that I had a lot of homework this weekend and would need to be working and that I'd call him later in the week. I slipped in to enjoy spending time with his family and to tell Hop that I was excited to meet him when I finally made it out there.

I rolled out of bed and followed the pup out into the kitchen before letting him out into the backyard to do his business. I sigh as I lean in the doorway, watching him prance about the backyard happily. I let out a low whistle, "Buster, c'mon baby it's cold."

Buster comes barreling over, happily bouncing about my feet as I walk back into the house. Time to get to studying.

After a few hours, my mom pops her head into the office to see me hard at work on a presentation that was due that Monday. "Hey, honey?"

I put up a hand to tell her one minute before I finish the sentence I was working on. I gently push away from the desk to look at her. "Sup?"

She shakes her head, laughing, "You good?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I ask, standing to walk past her and get a drink from the fridge.

She's quiet as she follows me slightly. "You and Lee okay?" She sees me visibly stiffen, "Did you two have a fight?"

I sigh, setting the juice container on the counter, "No, we didn't have a fight; I think it's the long distance getting to me. I mean, he keeps in contact and we skype, but it's not the same as being in person you know?"

She nods, "I can understand that." She shifts to the side and watches me for a minute while I pour my juice. "Did he tell you when he was going to fly out?"

"No, he just said before Thanksgiving." I sigh, replacing the juice in the fridge and chugging down the amount in my glass. "I can text him and ask though."

My mom shakes her head, "No, it's okay. Ask him later, you don't have to do it now."

I look over at her, and a part of me tells me that she is hiding something, but I shake it off and rinse the glass out before returning to the office. Just have to finish this presentation.

Thanksgiving could not come any faster. Between practicals, exams, and paper presentations my classmates and I had finally hit our wall. My hands were basically hovering over the keyboard as I skimmed over the material. God, I needed a break.

The sound of the back door opening catches my attention, ears perking up over the music playing from my laptop. After a minute, I hear my mom talking to my dad making me nod as I go back to my typing. Buster barking excitedly doesn't fade as I make the last bullet point to my study guide before I jump back over what I needed to look at for the practical for Tuesday, and the chapters due for Monday.

The door opening causes me to pause my typing to rub my forehead. "What?" I ask, it comes out more harsh then I expect, but between school and Leon suddenly being MIA, my nerves are a little shot. Whomever walked in makes no sound, and before I can ask what they want again a pair of hands clasp around my shoulders and massage the muscles there. A soft groan of satisfaction leaves my lips as I tilt my head to the side, their hands moving with me to massage at the base of my neck.

"You know, if you laid on the bed I could reach a lot more." My head whips around to meet golden honey eyes. Leon laughs before cupping my cheek, "Don't turn too fast love, you'll get whiplash."

I manage to let out a soft "move" before I spin around and stand from the chair, throwing my arms around his neck just as he leans down to pull me in and lifting me so that I was just that much closer. Emotions erupt as a small sob leaves my lips, arms tightening around his neck as I bury my face into his neck.

"I got you, love, I got you." Leon coos, shushing me as he sits on the couch, his hand cupping the back of my head to keep me close.

The two of us sit silently, Lee rocking me softly until my sobs turn into sniffles. I eventually move so my face is away from his neck, forehead pressing against his while I catch my breath. "Sorry, the past two weeks have been shit."

"Should'a brought you a hot cocoa then huh?" He teases, making me laugh as I press a soft kiss to his lips, his curling into a smile as he attempts to hold me there, only to let out a small groan when I pull away.

"I don't think you want me kissing you until I have washed my face." I tease, motioning to my blotchy, snotty face as I untangle myself from him and stand. Lee doesn't let me get very far, following me into the bathroom so I can do just that. Once that is done, Lee doesn't waste time grabbing my face between his hands and kissing me deeply. I sigh against his mouth until someone clears their throat. We pull apart to see Aiden standing in the doorway.

"Can you not make out in the bathroom? Thanks." He groans before walking away.

Leon chuckles behind me, "You know, I think he and Hop would get along pretty well."

I nod before turning and kissing Leon's cheek again. He smiles at me, hand cupping my cheek again before he presses his forehead to mine, my body relaxing at the contact. But my mind goes back to that game, and Leon's face flickering and talking with the characters. "Hey, Lee?"

His eyes flicker up to mine, "Yes, baby?"

My mouth opens and closes again, words not wanting to come out. I have to talk to him about it.

"(Y/N), what's wrong?" He whispers bringing his other hand to my other cheek.

Later, we'll talk later. I shake my head, "Lost it, sorry. Brain's kinda fried." I force out a giggle.

I can tell he sees right through the excuse, but he nods anyways. "Okay," he whispers before kissing the tip of my nose making me laugh. "C'mon, let's not stand in the bathroom. I'll help you finish studying then we can relax, that work?"

I nod, "Sounds perfect." Lee pulls away and grabs my hand before walking out of the bathroom with me in tow. Just enjoy the quiet before the storm hits.

_________________________________________

A/N: Goooooood day! IDK what time it is for everyone but I’ve decided that Monday’s and Thursday’s I will be posting new chapters to this story! I am really excited for you all to see what is to come! Let me know if you wanna be tagged for the next installment of Game Changer! ~CG

Masterlist

[issaxcharlie]

Story: Messing with the stars

Chapter 1

Bobby

I always end up here. It is as if her voice drags me back. It’s a miracle that no one has noticed how often I sit here to see her.

She finishes rehearsing, I grab my backpack and race to the parking lot to catch up with my friends.

Lottie, Gary, Lucas and Hope are waiting for me in front of Lottie's car.

"Bobbycakes, where were you?" Lottie looks annoyed, the others just get in the car.

“Sorry, Lottie. Mr. Hughes wanted to talk to me about my homework.”

My eyes move like magnets to her, like every single day. She has her dark brown hair tied up in a beautiful braid. Her green crop top matches her beautiful eyes perfectly. She laughs as she walks home with her best friend, Kassam. The two quickly bonded over their love for music and had being inseparable ever since.

“Bobby, are you listening?” Lottie brings me back to the real world, she looks angry. But decides to just get on the wheel. I walk into the passenger seat and turn to see her beautiful face one more time.

“Did you hear that this time it will be obligatory for us to participate in the school play this semester? It will directly impact our Drama class. ”

Everyone sighs in frustration.

“Why are we taking Drama again?” Asked Gary, clearly annoyed.

"Is mandatory this semester, an attempt by the school to make us more creative and versatile, or something like that." Says Hope, somewhat disinterested. After all, she is known for being good at whatever she does. She doesn't mind leaving her advanced math class for a semester in order to recite some lines.

"It wouldn't be a bad thing if I had to kiss that beautiful theater freak." Gary is smiling, definitely imagining himself in that situation. Gross.

“Alison Light?” Wow, Lucas seems to have been paying attention to her too.

"Hell yeah mate, she’s gorgeous." Lottie rolls her eyes, and Hope dramatically changes the conversation.

Alison Light, aka Sunny or Sunlight. (Or at least that's how I would call her if I had the guts to speak to her.) Everyone else calls her Ally, and I'm embarrassed to say that my friends call her theater freak.

There is a rumor, that Sunny's dad passed away 5 years ago. Her mom found a job in London, so they had to move from Scotland. Alison took refuge in music, which has always been what she loved the most, entered the choir, the school band, each play, whatever was involved with music, she did it. That's how she earned the ‘theater freak’ nickname from everyone else, especially, Lottie and Gary. Unfortunately, everyone listens to Lottie and Gary.

I came to school a year later. Lottie immediately thought I had the potential to belong to her group, to this day I have no idea why. She told me that if I wanted to belong, I had to be around people with potential, and when Sunny approached with vibrant eyes and a huge smile to introduce herself, Lottie pushed her to the side, and made fun of her for having a 'crush' on the new kid and behaving ‘desperate’.

I didn’t defend her. I followed Lottie down the hall, and didn't turn to see her even once.

Every day when I see her in the hallway I wonder why I chose a scary stranger instead of the girl with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen, and the conclusion makes me quite embarrassed.

I chose Lottie because I was tired of being the kid everyone made fun of regardless of the consequences, the one who was just a joke. The boy Caitlin Evans cheated on by pretending she wanted me to be her boyfriend just to humiliate me in front of the whole school. I saw the opportunity to be someone different, and I took it. Letting go not only poor and humiliated Bobby, but also the opportunity to meet Alison in the process.

The next day I walk with the boys to the auditorium. Most of the students are already there. The music is quite loud, and her perfect voice immediately reaches my ears. As we get closer I can finally see what's going on. Kassam and Alison are doing a duet of the song "Into the Unknown" which in my opinion is not easy to sing. I’m annoyed to admit that they sound perfect together. Their harmonies are beautiful and their notes are totally clean and well placed. All of us who do not normally belong to this class, have our mouths open.

“As you could hear, this class has talent to spare. I will not accept less than what I know you can give. Everyone will sing a part of the song you wrote me yesterday on the list.” Mr. Hudson loves music as much as Alison, and has been an important person in her life for the past few years. He has always been kind to me, and has invited me multiple times to participate in his plays due to my and i quote ‘charming personality ’.

Auditions started. Surprisingly my friends did a pretty decent job. I would not choose them as the protagonists but they were not bad.

I always wanted to try theater. I've been watching it for years, since I've never missed a play by Alison, no matter how delusional it sounds. And I always liked singing, but believe me or not, I have stage fright. Also, even if I sang, the chances of me beating Kassam in the lead are microscopic.

"McKenzie, let's go. I have a feeling you will do a good job, I am excited to hear you.” Mr. Hudson, I honestly hope I don't fall off the stage while I go up, for me that will already be a victory.

The music starts playing, but I am unable to open my mouth. I turn to meet her green eyes, which for the first time in years seem to speak to me. She tries to tell me to focus on her, and I do. The song starts again, and this time I manage to start singing the words, which sound more whispered than anything else.

"Of your kiss, your touch, your love" Sunny starts singing with me, everyone turns to see her, but she seems determined to help me sing this song. I remain somewhat fearful during the chorus, and she takes the second verse like a queen. Focusing on making me feel comfortable, still staring at my eyes and taking my hand.

Suddenly, she is the only thing I can see.

The connection I felt the first time I saw her feels stronger than ever as we dance together across the stage, our voices sounding perfect next to each other, like they're meant to fit together.

I'm definitely not half as good as Kassam is, but without a doubt my connection and chemistry with Sunny is much stronger, or at least that's what I want to believe. A man has to have hope. It was a magical moment, like when Troy and Gabriella meet and sing 'Start Of Something New' together. Don't judge me, I saw her with my sister Gemma.

The song ends and everyone is shocked. Lottie seems about to pass out, and Lucas looks at me in disbelief.

"I've found my stars." Mr. Hudson whispers, his eyes lit up.

"What? No way! They were supposed to be solos, not duets ” Lottie yells, clearly about to lose her patience.

"My decision is final. I've never seen so much chemistry, it's like they were meant to be together. ” Seems like I'm not the only one who thinks so. I knew Mr. Hudson was a smart guy.

"This work is going to be the best we have ever done, I assure you." Sunny blushes slightly, we are still holding hands, and I honestly don't feel like letting her go, but she starts to pull apart gently.

"Thank you, Sunny." I whisper, she looks at me with mischief in her green eyes. That's when I realize what I said. WE ARE NOT NEAR THE STAGE OF NICKNAMES, GOOD ONE IDIOT.

"Omg, I'm so sorry, Alison. I, You probably don’t even know my name and I’m calling you by a nickname, this is so embarrasing.” I start to mumble things that I don't understand myself.

She smiles at me, trying to calm me down. "It's okay, Bobby McKenzie. Professional joker, awesome baker, beautiful eyes. From Scotland, just like me.” She emphasizes my name, so I have no doubts that she knows who I am. And I almost passed out with the beautiful eyes thing. Fuck, she's so sweet.

“Sunny sounds adorable, I was getting tired of theater freak anyway. And like Mr. Hudson, I could see your full potential. You just needed a hand.”

I blush, hard. She likes it. Both the nickname and the fact that she made me blush. I can see it on her face.

Lottie grabs my arm and starts dragging me toward Hope to leave.

This time I don't let history repeat itself.

"I'll see you tomorrow... Sunny." I wink at her, trying to sound and look as cool as possible.

She smiles. "See you tomorrow, partner."

[thirst-trapnhl]

Never Grew Out of This Feeling 2(charlie mcavoy)

(A/N): hi babes! sorry this took sooo long, but i’m so excited to finally put this part out into the world! hope you enjoy! (word count: 2696) (warnings: underage drinking, marijuana use, alcohol as a coping mechanism)

song of the chapter: somewhere in neverland - all time low

“We’ll talk about how your parents separated and how you don’t wanna make the same mistakes as them. I’ll say it’s all about sticking it out and trying to feel forever young.”

Fall comes and goes quicker than expected. Classes at community college keep you busy along with your job waiting tables at the small sushi restaurant a few blocks from your house, where most of your weekends are spent answering the phones and refilling the water cups of teens on their first dates. You spend a too-quick weekend in Boston with the McAvoys in October and when you come home, the aching in your chest takes you by surprise. You thought you’d been doing a good job at not missing Charlie too much, but seeing him only made the reality of life on the island without him hit you twice as hard. 

Seeing him walk through the door of the restaurant the Monday before Thanksgiving sends you into shock. You’re frozen from the second you look up after the bell rings on the door and you see him standing there in a big red BU hoodie and basketball shorts. He laughs at your reaction, head thrown back and all. It shakes you from your shock and you cross your arms in front of you, narrowing your eyes at him. “You dirty little liar! You told me you wouldn’t be home until Wednesday night!” 

He smiles smugly back at you, and takes a menu from the holder attached to the front desk. “It’s called a surprise, Numb Nuts.” He opens the menu and ignores your scoff, scanning the list of rolls as if he doesn’t basically have it memorized at this point. “Do you recommend the Angel roll or the Fashion roll?” You grab the menu from his hand and place it back into its slot. 

“Very rude of you to come in here and harass me at my workplace, and besides, you know I prefer the White Dragon roll.”  Emiko, the owner of the restaurant (and the only other waitress) comes out from the back and greets Charlie with an enthusiastic high-five and sends you home for the night, insisting she can handle closing alone after gesturing to the single table being occupied. 

Charlie slides into the passenger seat of your car and swivels sideways, squaring his shoulders towards you as you scroll through your phone to put music on. He waits patiently until you find what you’re looking for and place your phone down in the cup holder. “I have something to tell you.” You look up at him and you can tell he’s fighting a smile and it makes you a little giddy too. You nod to him, a smile crossing your face that mirrors his. “I think I have a girlfriend.” A big, toothy grin finally splits its way across his face but you can’t manage to match his enthusiasm. 

“Ok, a few things. One, we talk on the phone at least once a week. You didn’t think to mention a GIRLFRIEND? And two, what do you mean you think you have a girlfriend? Did she agree to be your girlfriend or not?” You file the sinking feeling in your gut as a reaction to Charlie keeping secrets, and definitely not anything having to do with the fact that he’s dating someone. Charlie’s dated people before anyway; girls you went to school with or who hung around the local rink, and it never bothered you much. They were always girls you knew, and who knew you, and knew how you and Charlie were with each other. Now, you don’t even know if Charlie’s mentioned you to this new girl, if she even knows your name, and there’s nothing more terrifying. 

“Welllll,” He starts, a faint flush rising in his cheeks. “I didn’t mention it because I didn’t wanna jinx it. You know how I get with girls I like. I didn’t wanna like, mention that I told my family about her and freak her out.” You breathe deeply through your nose, choosing to ignore the way a pang hits your heart when Charlie refers to you as his family. “And I haven’t asked her to be my girlfriend yet, but we’ve been hanging out for like a month and a half. I know I haven’t been seeing anyone else, and honestly, we spend so much time together; I don’t think she has any time to see anyone else either.” You nod your head slowly, attempting to process all the information while saving the feelings for later when you’re alone. “You’re not happy.” It’s not a question. Charlie can read you better than anyone and he sees right through the blank smile you’ve put on to hide your reaction.

You exhale and relax, letting your face fall a little now that you know he isn’t buying it. “It’s not that I’m not happy for you. You know I am. I just worry about you getting your heart broken if I can’t be there to fix it.” The sentiment brings a sincere, if not a little bittersweet, smile to his face and you reckon that’s the best you’ll get from the situation. You finally reverse out of your spot, driving straight to the playground. The ride is mostly silent except for Charlie’s fingers drumming against your dashboard and you both bop along to the old Blink-182 track that comes on next. 

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meeting Katrina over Christmas break is fine, really. You can tell that if you’d met in different circumstances, you might get along but you also know how this story goes and it doesn’t end in a new best friend for either of you. You can sense the question on her tongue as soon as Charlie gets up to use the bathroom from the couch where you’re all splayed out watching tv. 

“So, did you guys ever, have you, uh,” You both draw in steadying breaths before she continues. “Tell me about how you and Charlie became friends!” She finally gets it out and you appreciate her trying to put it as delicately as possible. You rest the plastic bowl filled with popcorn and m&ms on the couch and slide into something that more closely resembles how human beings are supposed to sit. 

“Well, we met in kindergarten and we’ve been, uh, like this ever since, I guess.” She presses her lips together and nods slowly, an uncomfortable silence settling over the two of you until Charlie comes crashing back into the room, flopping back into his spot between you. He laces his fingers between Katrina’s and smiles shyly at her before turning his head to face you. 

“Mom’s doing that Italian dressing chicken you like and she’s buying cannoli as we speak. You staying?” You think about declining for a second, wishing you could run from the awkward air in the room. The thought of Charlie’s mom making your favorite dinner and the promise of cannoli keeps you in your seat though and you nod as Charlie flips through the channels again. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s spring break before you spend any actual time with Charlie again, having survived the first half of spring semester talking over FaceTime every Tuesday and texting almost every day. You’d heard less and less about Katrina as the weeks went on, but every time you asked about her, Charlie just said she was great. You didn’t want to push things. You knew Charlie would tell you details at his own pace and besides, it’s not like you hadn’t been withholding information too. 

Your dates with Brendan had been nice. The older brother of a girl you and Charlie had graduated with, he’d followed you on Instagram sometime in January. He’d replied to a story of yours and after a month of casual conversation, you’d agreed to meet him for dinner. It had been really casual, just an early dinner at the burrito place by your work that turned into a walk on the boardwalk and an ice cream cone from your favorite local soft serve place. He was just a nice guy, polite and good at keeping conversation. He wasn’t insanely funny or anything, but your dates were always light and casual and he made you feel comfortable right away. You’d kissed for the first time last week, short and sweet in his car when he dropped you off after taking you to see some comedy about a gymnast. His lips were salty from the popcorn and he texted you as soon as he got home, just like he always did. 

You knew you were going to have to tell Charlie at some point. You just didn’t think it was going to be like, right now. “What could you possibly be doing on a Sunday night that you can’t come watch Jackass on my couch with me?” You twiddle your thumbs, picking at your cuticles a little bit while you find your voice. 

You look into his eyes and know it’s time, so you just exhale heavily and let it out. “Sunday nights are usually when Brendan and I go bowling. With his parents.” Charlie’s face stays blank for a minute before his head tilts a little to the side and his brow furrows in confusion. “I know, I know, I should have said something, I’m sorry! I just didn’t really think it was going to, uh, last this long, honestly.” He still looks a little confused so you stay silent and give him a minute to catch up.

Suddenly, it clicks in his head and his eyes narrow. “Brendan Cotiletta? Like, Mia’s brother?” You nod and put on a small, closed mouth smile. “You are dating Brendan Cotiletta and it’s serious enough that you hang out with his parents?” You nod once more, and your smile begins to fall when you realize Charlie’s still looking at you with a little confusion and a little more concern. It’s then that he sees the worry on your face and he takes a deep breath before putting a hand on your arm. “If you’re happy, I’m happy. Just keep an eye on him. I’m sure he’s grown up since the last I heard, but the last things I heard about him weren’t great. Okay?” 

You spend your Sunday with Brendan as planned, explaining to him that the rest of your week would be spent with Charlie and his family. He took it well, not weirded out at all. No suspicious looks, no sly comments about how close you and Charlie were. Really, it went better than you could have hoped for, which should have been your first clue that something was going to go wrong. You and Charlie spend your Friday night baking cupcakes (that are certainly not on the team-recommended diet) and watching Jersey Shore reruns. The episode with the infamous Note is on, and during a commercial break you go to check your phone. You almost tap right past it, Brendan’s best friend’s Snapchat story until something catches your eye in the background of the video. Brendan being pulled on to the dance floor of the bar by a skinny blonde is concerning, but not something to have a meltdown over. The meltdown comes when you’re finally able to place her face. Olivia, Brendan’s high school sweetheart, had broken his heart when she’d run off to some college upstate and met a guy from the Hamptons with a blow problem.  He’d never really recovered, obvious in the way he avoided saying her name at any cost, even in casual conversation. You watch the Snapchat again and again and it doesn’t get any easier. Charlie sinks down on the couch next to you and you almost go to turn the TV off to show him. You can see through your peripheral that he’s texting Katrina, the string of emojis after her name catching your eye. You take another moment to watch him smiling as he types out his reply and the only thing you can bring yourself to do is click the lock button on your phone and return your attention to Snooki and Jwoww. 

The weekend after Charlie leaves, Brendan asks to come over on Saturday morning and you know exactly why. He tries to break it to you as gently as possible, at least. He tells you how sorry he is, how you did absolutely nothing wrong, it’s just that Olivia is his person. It’s bittersweet to hear, sad to end something that was fun and lighthearted, but you can’t be anything but happy for him that he’s got this opportunity to be so truly happy. You tell him exactly that, adding “It makes me hopeful that I’ll find that one day, my person, whoever it is.” He smiles a little at that and shakes his head before giving you a final hug. 

“I’m sure your person is closer than you think.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Katrina breaks up with Charlie when she finds out you were invited to the draft and she wasn’t. It’s a shame, you think to yourself, that she wasted all those months pretending to be cool about how close you and Charlie are. She seems to be forgotten about as quickly as she arrived, mostly just swept away in all the excitement. It’s truly a whirlwind weekend. From the second your mom drops you and the McAvoys off at the airport, Charlie is buzzing. His leg bounces the entire 90 minute flight and he opens his complimentary bag of pretzels but doesn’t eat a single one. During the draft, a quiet tension settles over all of you, waiting with bated breath until Charlie’s name is called. You try not to let it cross your mind, that the second Charlie gets drafted is the beginning of the end. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The weeks post-draft are spent just like all your summers before: mornings in the waves and afternoons napping on the sand, nights spent sat around a fire with your friends. The only difference is that Charlie’s managed to keep his drinking and smoking to a minimum, convinced that the only thing that could hold him back from making an NHL roster are a spliff and a rack of Bud Light platinums. Secretly, you might agree, so you pretend not to notice Charlie’s look of concern every time he realizes you’re drinking more heavily than ever. It’s easy when you’re like this, warm and loose from the beer and Charlie’s hand on your back guiding you home, to convince yourself nothing will change.

Somewhere around the middle of July, you’re curled into Charlie’s side on the hammock in a friend’s yard and you’re not sure how much more wear and tear your body can take from partying. You know Charlie notices it too; the circles under your eyes, the littering of bruises and scrapes on your body from god knows what. You’re running yourself ragged and you can’t bring yourself to even try to hide it. You feel him shift underneath you to get a better look at your face, but you’re not ready to look up at him quite yet. 

“Hey, bub,” he starts, quiet enough to ensure that no one else is listening in. You still can’t bring yourself to meet his eyes, knowing you won’t be able to hold in the word vomit once it starts. You reply with a “mhm?” instead, eyes glued to the wooden fence next to you. He clears his throat before speaking again and you can feel his fingertips flex into your ribs a little. “You know you can tell me anything, right? Like whatevers, uh, happening, however you’re feeling, all I wanna do is help.” The statement lights up your whole chest and you feel, honestly, kind of stupid for thinking you couldn’t bring something up to Charlie. He knew you, your anxiety and your fear and your cynicism, and nothing had ever sent him running before. 

“Don’t wanna think ‘bout you leavin’... can’t lose you,” you mumble, cheek squished against his chest. He squeezes you a little harder at that, laying his face against the top of your forehead. A few minutes pass in silence between you while the party continues across the yard. He kisses the top of your head, letting himself take in the scent of smoke in your hair. 

“You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”