#the song is called to be so lonely by harry styles btw

[sanjiswetcigarettes0]

Acelaw people! I’m here to offer you my first and not so great acelaw Headcanon writing! Please accept my poor attempt on this 🙏🏻

To Be So Lonely

word count 1.530

If we think of acelaw where everything is real between them,

Law Trafalgar was a tough, quiet man and was someone who tried not to be involved in other things, trying to keep himself on the road he barely managed to put in a order his whole life, all he did is do his work as a surgeon and rescue other people’s life in the hospital. (Do not question his survival guilt.) The sea he had in his mind was always wild, and all he needed to do was to stay quiet until it quiet down too.

He kept himself alive with his coffees and his little crew most of the time, with his friends who sometimes came to his house to bringing some self made food and putting him to his untouched bed after their jobs end. He liked his life like this, and he knew the way his life wasn’t as healthy as his job expected him to be, but be assured, he liked it this way.

Trafalgar Law, who was “too busy for other people or any relationship”, (he kept saying that ) always would come home alone with his regular take-outs and coffee to greet his cats with a warm smile , would kneel to pet their heads and get his daily energy boost at 8:20 p.m from their purrs and meows. It has been like this since he graduated to become a surgeon as he promised himself as a kid, didn’t allowed people in his life, ( he hadn’t any clue how the crew became family to him in that time where he just met those people in uni and had some drink with them at his house, ) and why would it be different? He was fine with his awfully quiet life and night shifts.

But now, in the other hand, he was feeling quiet irritated with the fact that his cats were purring (for real now?) and wandering around a man’s feet he never met before; right now: on a Saturday morning where had a day off and could grind his coffee own and wake up late, he opened his front house door to find a man who was standing on the next front door and had boxes up to his freckled curvy nose, (he couldn’t see the obviously younger man’s whole face) chatting with a younger blonde man with long hair as his was.

Law could feel a frown take place on his serious face, (it’s his normal morning face, okay? ), he held his coffee mug tightly and tried to call his cats whispering over to the man’s feet trough the noisy chatting at 8:40 am quietly to avoid making any more noise this early, “ Beppo!” , “ Asami!” but causing to cough those two’s attention to him, make them turn to him with interest and to hear a “I’m inside if you need me, you go meet with your neighbour, and apologise for your noisiness!” from a calmer, British accented voice before the different looking kind man went inside and left the two of them alone on the hall of the apartment with a quiet, but calming awkwardness.

Law blinked restlessly, but had a break to look down to his cats rubbing on his fluffy slippers returning to their warm home meowing. He put his coffee cup to the ground , and then glanced at the man putting his boxes to stand normally, and finally, saw the man’s face who had the whole damn sun’s brightness on his freckled, smiley, pretty face.

His frown disappeared, weird, he thought , and to be completely honest, he was ready to curse for the noise he had to witness at this early hour of his off day- but for fuck’s sake, the man hadn’t plan to meet the best thing that ever happened to him, on that day. Nope, surely not this early in the morning.

The man who stole his cats had long wavy raven coloured hair, a crooked but heartwarming smile, something pretty and energetic Law didn’t expect to see this early. His freckled face was so openly, inviting the sun itself to shine more. He had broad shoulders looking pretty on a dark blue shirt, fewer tattoos visible under his folded arms on his pale skin and a charming smile that Law had to fight not to deceived.

Was to be so lonely finally enough?

“Oh hey! I’m Portgas Ace and am yer new front neighbour! m’ sorry for disturbing you, nice to meet ya!”

Said Ace, his long buff arms waving him and continuing to talking with his energetic voice like he really wasn’t freezing on this early spring morning,

“were they yer cats? I’m sorry they ran out to wander ‘round me, I guess they liked me!”

and before Law could part his nervously together pressed lips to talk and only stop to realise he was starting to communicate with this gorgeous (who even said that?) man standing before him, he wet his lips to say no and leave to be alone forever, again, but heard something unusual for the first-meeting from the man that changed everything for good.

Fuck.

In fact, he was socially awkward and couldn’t say no to save his own damn life, especially to someone like this weirdly good looking man who looked like he ate the fucking sun.

“Would ya like to have a breakfast with us?”

It was clearly a invite, huh?

And if you would ask him, Law definitely didn’t want to have the younger man to be a part of his lonely life, him bringing Law life and the energy to come home earlier, to see him every morning on his kitchen preparing him some healthy breakfast at 4:50 am, nor wanted to admit that he really went for kissing the young man’s warm smiley lips endlessly every time he would call him “ love”.

Everything had changed, he knew it, after he met Ace on the floor of his new house and had the most tastiest breakfast of his life prepared by Ace’s second little brother Sabo, and was welcomed like he was family while he was a stranger before 10 minutes, 3 years ago.

And as he noticed that he liked being around Ace those times, and getting pulled out of his house on his free days by him only to return to his house with warm and fuzzy feelings he never had , saying “maybe it isn’t too bad to have company” , it was now too late to return back to his cold quite days where he wasn’t all over a man whose the sun itself radiating warmth from his pure skin, giggling while his freckles were kissed. Where he didn’t have someone to make him laugh every day/ or even on a normal day.

He loved Ace, liked hearing him calling himself “the second dad” of the cats and one big dog they had together, and the warm (really warm!) nights & mornings they shared in the apartment that was now theirs. Petting Ace’s soft hair every time he fell asleep on Law while he was reading something about organs or narcolepsy was always something that made the two of them calmer, and feeling the other’s body heath getting even warmer with every kiss he got down his freckled belly underLaw’s big hands wasn’t something new.

“Ya got me heatin’ like a sunny day, darling, oh please don’t stop.”

It was like a dream, wanting was enough, sitting on their old British armchair, holding the man he loved the most in his arms tightly keeping him from jumping out while shouting “ yer gonna see when I kick yer ass when I see ya Roronoa!” to the tall younger man with moss coloured hair holding Luff’s hand, smirking while stealing the younger brother of Ace from the “ the together night” where everyone they loved were together. He was laughing intensely, pulling Ace from his waist to make him sit back on his thighs, then stroking the raven hair he loved most, saying “ leave the youngsters alone, they’re still figuring everything out, ” while giggling. It was like Law had two big energetic dogs, but one of them was definitely a handsome young man he wanted to marry, he must’ve admit that. Everyone were together, and being lonely wasn’t even the thing anymore. Surely, he still got headaches over the sunshine man talking nonstop to his ear, but never felt overwhelmed or never wanted to be alone, ever.

When Ace joined to his lonely, busy life and never left his side although Law himself couldn’t get used to being loved for so long, but he never gave up and fought for their feelings. He knew he loved this man with his whole life. Being lonely wasn’t a option anymore, he knew how spring brought him the biggest treasure to him, because could feel the love inside him when he couldn’t even let go of this man’s body to get up from their bed, murmuring quietly, “ I’ll be back at midnight.” while kissing his freckled face.

Trafalgar Law was now in love; a happy man who would stop by a coffee shop to bring home some pumpkin spice latte every autumn just to see his fiancé’s happy face because it was worth it. Say, could it even be better?

[nyxelenios]

HI YES SAGE PLAYLIST TIME >:]

-Nasty by Bryce Fox (loud horny)

-I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys (slow horny)

-Have you seen the moon tonight by Aim Vision ('im fed up of this shit let's run away' vibe, kinda reminded me of the chapter 1 paid scene)

-Drinking with cupid by VOILÀ (post chapter 11 ish?) (Loud sad)

-Figure you out by VOILÀ (loud horny)

-Make up sex by SoMo (loud horny again)

-Whyd you only call me when you're high? By Arctic Monkeys (slow loud horny?)

-Bodies by Bryce Fox (loud horny)

-Achilles come down by Gang of Youths (sad vibey)

-I can hold a grudge like nobody's business by Adem Jensen (loud angry?)

-Saint Bernard by Lincoln (loud depressed)

-Crush by Duckwrth (wholesome horny? Kinda cutesy)

-Kiss you right now by Duckwrth (heart eyes kinda horny)

-Hot by Confetti ('im THE shit' horny)

-Worst in me by unlike pluto('i am shit' depressed)

-City of angels by 24kGoldn (¯\(°_o)/¯)

-The loser by Verzache ('hi yes imma just casually follow you around cause ily' vibe, like 'youre talking right now and saying something important but I'm so hypnotized by the way your mouth is moving because holy fucking i have the stupidest crush on you')

-I think I already said this before but To be so lonely by Harry styles is how I imagine him slowly falling for mc,,,,

-egg anon (dumb bitch anon)

:0 egg anon came in clutch!! 👀 i like how u added the vibes, makes me wanna create my own Sage playlist too shdjsk

TO BE SO LONELY?? ACHILLES COME DOWN?? shit my heart's breaking at the seams for Sage all over again i listen to these songs when i wanna lay on the sofa and feel all my feelings in one go

THANK U SO MUCH EGG ANON U CAN KEEP THE SONG RECS COMIN!!

btw this is providing some inspiration for ur other asks HWWYWUEUWUEUE i hope i can do good bc ur asks AAAA

— cain

[hazzabeeforlou]

Fine Line Masterpost:

A breakdown, musically and lyrically 

In Fine Line, ‘raw honesty’ doesn’t really mean delving into the details of who Harry Styles is sleeping with, but rather it’s a glimpse into the world of a 25-year-old who is both deeply in love and who fucks up a lot; he’s given to sugary supplications, is plagued by jealousy, pouts at consequences, and struggles with understanding an inner self that keeps prodding him towards exploration of his identity.  

The album is constructed to be consumed by various factions of the fandom. There’s no getting away from the surface dedication of HS2 as an ode to a blonde supermodel with a delicious French accent whose new boyfriend’s father owns a gallery, a girl who has golden hair and blue eyes. I won’t be arguing that away, because it’s intentional, it’s meant to be the surface layer. 

The mantle is not the crust, though. Taken individually, each song can be seen as speaking to the queer experience in varied and complex ways, and I’ve seen some truly beautiful explorations of this angle. Especially with TPWK and FL, the anthemic solidarity with queer experience is astounding and gorgeous. I think it’s no accident that this broad take holds true as we zoom in and look at the complex details; Harry has written songs that speak both to this meaning and also hold incredibly personal and intimate significance between him and a partner (in this post we’ll call them Subject). 

I will be focusing on the album as a cohesive narrative in the context of it’s chronological, linear progression. Fine Line details an incredibly personal struggle; it’s a love letter, an at times embarrassing, self-loathing reflection on a love gone wrong, a love struggling, an emerging self, and a hope redeemed. 

Please feel free to ask questions if any of the technical stuff is confusing, but please also remember that these are my opinions, coupled with my analysis as a professional musician (meaning, hopefully I’m remembering those torturous years of theory dictation correctly!) 

Side A 

All four songs share an off-kilter-ness, a restless, unsettled, frantic feeling, as if Harry is balancing, undecided between throwing himself at the feet of the one he loves or pulling away. This is no illusion; the tonic base is missing from each song save WS (but even here the tonic is sabotaged in our ear, as we’ll discuss). We’re on a journey to side B; we start with a hope that sweet memories and lust can salvage love, and we end with Harry going his own way.

Golden: There are only two chords in this song, DM and CM7, the V and IV7 of the implied tonic, G Major. We never get to tonic though. We never touch that home base. The songs “da da da’s” give it a happier, peppier illusion than the text reveals. 

Harry is already broken, already reflecting and hopeless as the song begins. His intended listener, Subject - the sun, the golden one - waits for him in the sky, and is all he’s ever known. Subject has always browned his skin just right, but now, Harry reflects, perhaps has been too bright for him. (Is some aspect of Harry buried in the brilliance of Subject’s light?) This golden Subject is scared, though, scared Harry is so open. Harry doesn’t want to be alone, but he also needs to peel back edges of himself previously unexplored. Stepping into and away from light is a major theme for Harry, and this opening song sets that precedent. Subject is scared because “hearts get broken,” but Harry’s heart is already broken, so perhaps this refers not to interpersonal heartbreak, but situational. Harry recognizes he’s “out of his head...” BUT, he counters, “Loving you’s the antidote!” He naively gushes out poetry while Subject remains unconvinced. We establish an impasse. 

Watermelon Sugar: The Dm - Cm - Am6 - GM chord progression is an odd one; my best guess is that the song is in D minor, so the progression is: 

i, VII, v, IV

 That’s not typical in a minor key. Usually the leading tone note (in this case a C) is raised (so C#) making the five chord Major (V) not minor (v) and the seven chord diminished (viio) not Major (VII). also the Major IV ignores the B flat in the key signature of D minor and instead uses B natural. So all this to say that the tonic base STILL doesn’t feel like a tonic home, because the normalcy around the key signature is erased. Everything still feels unsettled, unresolved. 

Much has been made of the oral sex interpretation, so, ya. This is a song about remembering the best of times, a prayer to Subject, a plea for summertime and bellies and strawberries, and a feeling Harry is desperate to get back. 

Adore You: The three chords in this song, Cm - BbM - AbM, imply an E flat Major key, so vi, V, IV, respectively. The tonic, Eb (I), is (once again) never used, and instead vi, V, IV circle without ever coming to rest. 

Subject, “Honey,” creates a rainbow paradise. This is another love letter to Subject, let me adore you, I’ll walk through fire for you, you don’t have to say anything just listen to me, you don’t have to say you love me too, just please, please... you’ve been on my mind. Let me adore you like it’s the only thing I’ll ever do. By this wording, Harry admits that adoring Subject is not the only thing he ever does, yet he wishes Subject to remember, or imagine, this false reality. 

Lights Up: We’re in C Major here, with the chords Am - GM - FM, creating the same exact chord progression as Adore You, vi, V, IV. We (yet again!) never reach the tonic of C Major. It’s a constant tease of resolution, but there’s no solid home base. We’re suspended in limbo. 

Subject is “sorry, btw.” What does that mean, Harry asks? Sorry we’re here in this place, that this is happing? This song is Harry’s declaration: he’s not staying, he’s not coming back down. It would be sweet if things stayed the same, but no, I’m stepping into the light. “All the lights couldn’t put out the dark”... even all the golden sun of Subject couldn’t heal the void in Harry’s soul?  Harry asks subject, do you know who you are? implying that he’s determined to answer this for himself. I’m reminded of the crab in Moana, singing “Shiny.” There’s a certain bravado here, a reckless glittery happiness, a flaunting, an exuberance in discovery. 

Side B 

Tonics are all over the place. Harry is certainly certain about heartbreak. No ambiguity here. 

Cherry: GM - Em - CM, or  I, vi, IV. We’re in G Major and we know it. Repetitive “cou-cos’s” pepper the track like hanging fruit (let’s imagine from cherry trees). 

The song is a simple one, simple in its jealousy. Harry has let Subject go, and now Subject is at their best... and Harry hates it. He doesn't want his former pet term of endearment used on another, even though he has no claim on Subject’s actions anymore. Harry keeps finding bits of Subject in how he dresses. They’re not talking lately, and Harry perhaps is most upset that this separation isn’t going how he planned... Subject is at their best without him. 

The gallery line is inserted as a bridge, a unique line of music rather separate from the rest, an intentional narrative. But what’s most fascinating is the end of the song. The previous repetitive chord progression changes. Now we have 

GM - AM7 (an added C#) - Am7 (4/2 inversion) - GM

or I, II7, ii7, I

The “cou-cou” lands during the AM7 (the II7) and it lands EXACTLY on the note of B, extending the 7th chord to a ninth chord, before, on its second syllable, dropping to the A and holding there (a kind of suspension) while the chord progression resolves to the Am7 (ii7), making the A a chord tone. This is deliberate. Unless the whole piece was harmonically built around Camille’s random use of a B to A in a voicemail (also randomly in the perfect key for Harry’s voice) this was purposely recorded for aesthetic effect. I for one really love it, I could listen to breathy french girls mutter about beaches endlessly...

Falling: A straightforward progression. In the key of E Major,

 EM - C#m - BM - AM or I, vi, V, IV

With Falling, the only ballade on the album, we see Harry shift from jealousy to self destructive behavior. I don’t believe the ‘wandering hands’ line is about cheating (he and Subject were already apart) but rather, Harry seeking to wound Subject by turning to others. Communication is back open, because Subject says they care, they miss him too, but now Harry’s gone and fucked it all up. What have I become? What if Subject never needs me again? I can’t unpack the baggage they left. I just want Subject AROUND! Harry isn’t even begging for a romantic connection, he’s simply begging for Subject’s presence. He was so sure he could discover himself in LU, and now he keeps asking, what am I now? Who has he become on his own? He’s falling, and there’s no one to catch him. 

To Be So Lonely: This song waffles between two keys, just as Harry waffles between defending himself to Subject and finally, finally admitting (in just one small line) that he is, in fact, sorry. The song seems to start out in C Major, with CM and Am chords (I, iv) but then at the chorus the Am chord elides from a iv to a i, revealing the key is really A minor. The chorus goes on to be:

Am - GM - Em - FM 

or i, VII (lowered leading tone in minor), v (lowered leading tone in minor), VI

A fluttering mandolin mimics a fluttering heartbeat, and a folk music lilt gives the song a certain feel of heartbreak. 

Harry asks for Subject to not blame the drunk caller, likely himself. Harry was away. He missed Subject. He was just a little boy when he fell, and presumably Subject caught him that time. Subject is trying to be friends, they mean well, perhaps have taken pity on him, but Harry cannot stand to be called baby now, not when that name doesn’t mean what it used to, not when it’s a hollow word. Harry’s ‘home’ is suddenly a lonely place, but Subject has his reasons for how he’s acted, presumably good ones, and finally Harry gives his mea culpa, “this is it, so I’m sorry.” 

Interestingly, only after admitting that he’s made mistakes too, that he’s not perfect, that he shares the blame, does Harry confront and open himself to the realization contained in the next song, the heart of the album and the crux of what Harry’s been dancing around up until this point. 

She: In E minor, both verse and chorus use the same progression:

Em - DM - CM - Am - (Bm, a quick lead-in to) - Em 

 or i, II, VI, iv, v (no raised leading tone), i 

This Bowie-esc sounding song is the first to have characters. In addition to the Subject (perennially addressed as ‘You’) there is The Man and She. I would argue The Man and She are both Harry, a duality. The man drops his kids off at school, the man is thinking of You, like all of us do (everyone thinks of their SO perhaps). The Man goes through mundane daily tasks, but is he faking it? Does he really know what to do? He’s playing pretend, so pretend. 

Now Harry introduces She. (When speaking of She, Harry sings in a high falsetto.) She lives in daydreams, she is the first one he sees, and Harry doesn’t know who She is. A Woman just in his head, who sleeps in his (a jump up to the falsetto for just this one word in the verse) bed while he plays pretend. Much has been said about the gender/fluidity discovery in this song, and by better than me. It’s clear what Harry is saying, it’s clear what he’s going through and wrestling with. He’s thinking of Subject, but also haunted by She, in his head, in his mind’s eye, in his daydreams. She is a part of Harry, and Harry wants to know who She is. 

Side C

Uncomplicated tonics! All Major! A shift into happiness perhaps? 

Sunflower: F Major. BbM - FM - CM, or IV, I, V.  The bridge is fancy:

iii, IV, V, vi, I, V vi, V (vi?) V 

Some trippie hippie song from the 60s! Two lines of thought are apparent from the get go; Harry says he wants to get to know Subject, but then says “before I got to know you.” It’s as if this is a new beginning, like he and Subject are starting over. Much is made of the ‘seed’ thing, a metaphor for new life and rebirth, “plant new seeds in the melody.” Harry is trying hard not to talk to Subject, to not seem eager, not act a fool. He was just tongue tied, then he’s still tongue tied, implying he’s done this whole dance before. He implores Subject to hold their sweet memories: domestic times, kitchens, kids. In Golden, Subject was the sun. Now Subject is a sunflower, hung up high in the gallery, out of the shade, in the light a sunflower needs to thrive, into the light, step into the light. Little gasps from Harry interject throughout; is he surfacing from water (LU music video?), is he breathing between kisses, is he suddenly gifted new life like Gandalf atop Isengard? The end of the piece devolves into calls of unbridled, nonsensical joy, like birds song, like mating calls amongst brilliant plumage. 

Canyon Moon: D Major. DM - GM - AM - DM (I, IV, V, I)

 Bridge DM - (Em transit?) - AM - DM (I, (ii), V, I) 

Chorus DM - AM - DM - GM (I, V6, I6, IV) 

Perhaps the most straightforward tonic bound song of the album. Harry is missing Subject, but it’s a happy nostalgia now, a hopeful one, a “two weeks and I’ll be home.” Home is no longer a lonely place, like in TBSL. The world is happy waiting (there’s no rush? No need to have everything figured out?). “Doors yellow, broken, blue.” You can’t bribe the door on the way to the sky a sky where Harry’s Golden sun awaits him, and now the sky door is broken, busted through, that blue door to a blue sky that never looked so blue. 

We get another glimpse of She here; Subject remains You, Harry remains Harry, but there’s also a She who plays old hippies’ love songs and pretends to know the words; perhaps this is another Camille reference for narrative purposes, but I lean more towards this being another reference to She as Harry, exploring odd new music he’s never heard, trying not to be so pretentious about it but failing. (He’s such an Aquarius.) Most charmingly of all, the single whistler becomes two by the end of the song. 

Treat People With Kindness: F Major. This is the most interesting piece in terms of text painting. 

We start with CM6 - FM, then FM6/4 - BbM, then back to CM6 - FM, then we hold on the Am chord, and then repeat the whole thing. So analyzed in F Major this would be V6, I, I6/4, IV, V6, I, iii. 

But. By using the I6 to IV, Harry plays with the idea of a V of IV, where you take the IV chord of the key and pretend it has its own dominant (V) and use the V of IV not as the I chord normally is used, but as a Leading Tone chord to IV. 

ALL THAT TO SAY. He’s illustrating the lyrics. During “Maybe we can find a place” the chords are playing with dual resolutions. Where is the actual tonic? Is it F Major or B Flat Major? It’s ambiguous! We don’t know! We haven’t found our place yet! 

But then! The bridge. “And if we’re here long enough” and look where we land, on a CM chord, then BbM, then FM, a solid V, IV, I progression. And THEN (bless this boy) on the word belong we get the same A minor chord (the iii) but we get a 7th added to the chord, a G, and Harry holds this G in the melody (plant new seeds in the melody), a note that VERY MUCH DOES NOT BELONG because in no universe does a iii chord in Major have a 7th added! And Harry not only ADDS but draws attention to this note, this note that doesn’t belong!!! Then this iii7 chord resolves to C Major (V), making the G note a chord tone, making it BELONG, making it fit perfectly. 

GOD. Weep with me. 

This is Over the Rainbow. This is Hair, this is Age of Aquarius. Somewhere there’s a place we can belong and feel good and people will celebrate and rejoice in us, someday a new age will dawn. 

Harry is plunging into the deep end, dreaming, caught up in his good feelings and his euphoria in being “given second chances.” He’s tentative about admitting reckless hope to Subject; instead he says, “Maybe we can find a place to feel good?” Harry says he doesn’t need all the answers. He said in LU “do you know who you are” then in Falling “What am I now?” then in She “I don't know who she is” and now he’s at peace. He feels good in his skin, and he will keep on dancing. 

Most personally, I think the sudden somber turn of the line “If our friends all pass away” is in reference to grief. He’s speaking to Subject, but also to himself. It will be okay, okay, okay. Harry can’t control his life, he doesn’t have everything figured out, but he’s come to accept that. 

Side D

Fine Line: D Major. We come full circle, returning to the use of only three chords like at the start of the album. This time, though, Harry resolves to tonic in a repetitive pattern used for both the verses and chorus: 

Bm, GM7, DM6/4, or vi, IV7, I

FL is the summation of the album, the thesis statement, the conclusion of the journey. Harry has endured tests of patience, and accepted that there are things he’ll never know. He’s trying to shake off trepidation (of plunging in the deep end? Of hoping?). He says “My hand’s at risk, I fold.” The poker analogy is an interesting one; Subject (presumably) has gotten past Harry’s poker face, has sussed out his fronts and acts and strategies, and Harry is left bare and exposed, vulnerable before them. He’s been brought to this point, but willingly he folds. He laments that “spreading you open is the only way of knowing you.” We should open up before it’s all too much. Harry is done fighting. He’s also done sleeping in the dirt. For the first time he’s not sugar-coating his words, avoiding their problems via sex and pretense and flowery language. He’s matured enough to admit, “Man, I hate you sometimes.”

Again we have the reappearance of She. Harry says to Subject, “We’ll get the drinks in, so I’ll get to thinking of her.” This She is something between them, within them now, another facet of his and Subject’s relationship. Harry is going to spend time thinking of Her. She, I believe, is a part of him. 

A fine line is a balancing act, a tightrope, a suspension between extremes. But Harry calls out into the echo of the music, “We’ll be alright.” A declaration, a hope, a promise. Brass, strings, and a building crescendo, a cacophony of movie-credit-worthy emotion, sweeps us towards closure. Ethereal voices fade out, moving from dominant to tonic, but then a solitary piano plinks on a V chord, twice, hanging in the air, a question, an invitation, a hope. 

[theyearsiturnedintoaghost]

Hello, Is This Thing On?

Hi! (as mentioned above). Do people still use this thing? I have no idea. Years ago, and I do mean YEARS ago, I had one of these. I didn’t use it for much, just reposting things, following humans I’d met in online communities, a ‘celebrity’ here or there, sometimes screaming about shit I couldn’t control into the void that is the endless scrolling interweb, and being pointless in wasting my time between classes, work, and twenty-something. Regardless, my previous tumblr had minimal followers, made minimal impact, and that was okay. It was honestly just a nice place to sort of hide in plain sight. Still be part of a social world without actually having to do much. This was also pre a billion other apps and social media outlets to express yourself or scroll mindlessly at a million other pointless things that people were posting to make you giggle or even just stop for a second and think.  

Clearly, the point of this, back then, felt like something I would use to help propel my writing career. Turns out, it did not. I did not write much, if at all. And most of the time I think it was because I was scared nothing was as good as any of the other stuff I was reading from people I liked, and thought were so much cooler and smarter than me; I still feel this way all of the time, but I do realize this was me being nervous, small minded about myself, and completely unconfident.  

Unfortunately, I am still most of these things a lot of the time, but recently, after getting fired from a job, having my heart broken by pretty much everyone on the planet, especially a few specific people, cancelled by all of my friends (?) - this is a thing btw. (It’s not as awful as being cancelled publicly, but it does still ruin your life, mindset, confidence, and overall physical and mental wellbeing) Getting a new job, hating it and feeling like I was going no where, and missing out on living a life I felt proud of and that I was actively participating in, I decided maybe I should just try to write it all out and see what happens. 

To be frank, I expect nothing of this. I can’t fathom a world where anything I have to say truly matters to people because lets be real - everyone has this own shit and everyone is going through so much all of the time.  And we all think we have something new, quirky, interesting, and important to say.  And in a world that constantly shoves perfection down our throats and works so hard to make each of us feel completely inadequate to every Kardashian, Beyonce, Grande, etc., it’s hard to really think that anything I have to say will matter to anyone; at all. 

(I also hate that all of my ‘perfectionist’ people were female, but maybe it’s harder to compare to Golden Boys when you are a female. Either way, there are many boys/men/theys/thems that are put on a pedestal and made out to be perfect out there, as well, and they deserve that notation as well. I just have no points of reference off the top of my head, so please forgive me; I am trying to do this in a stream of consciousness type thing.)

I mean, the truth is, I’m a fucking mess. I’m 33, single, living at home, afraid of my own shadow most of the time, and spend about 98% of my time alone. I pay for a phone plan that I literally only use to send memes to my two sisters, and that’s about it. I rarely receive texts, invites out, or even calls to make plans for something.  And while a lot of this is my own doing - again, I did cut off most of the world after I realized I was sort of the joke to a lot of people - it’s still kind of pathetic, and entirely uncool.  I am not a socialite, or someone cool and trendy, and to be honest, I kind of never want to be.  

Which is a semi-false statement, because years ago, when I had one of these previously, I sort of hoped it would work out and that I could write and be ‘cool.’ Whatever the fuck that means.  But now, years later, I’m honestly beyond glad I am not cool; not in the slightest. Maybe that’s making it to your 30s? Maybe the trade for having to create a daily routine of lathering up my body with like 9 different versions of FDA-Approved-Vampire-Juice on my skin to prevent me from looking any older than I already do, you in turn get to have a brain that finally realizes... having a ‘normal’ life is honestly pretty cool? Normal is clearly subjective here as everyone is normal, famous, notoriety, or not; They’re all still humans and people with feelings, thoughts, and emotions. This is a hard thing to realize when you see stadiums full of people screaming at Harry Styles (Boom! found a male perfect in this scatterbrain) or hundreds of paparazzi lined up to take photos of every person on a red carpet wearing clothing that costs as much as my student loan debt (Which sidenote, is VERYYYYYY much). It’s hard to fully realize that maybe some of those people who became ‘icons’ never really knew what they were getting into when they signed that deal with the Devil to make them seemingly immortal; especially in a world with the internet where everything can exist forever (or until the world explodes, clearly).  But maybe getting into my 30s and removing myself from most social media outlets, even listening to the news, or caring about whatever fucking popular haircut was in this season (it’s always bangs, and I’ve already made that mistake. No thanks), that I learned to realize - the truly most important people in your life are the ones that stick with you when it’s tough. When getting out of bed is so hard your limbs ache and you cry every morning on your way to work, at your desk behind your computer screen hidden in a corner, or in a bathroom stall during your lunch break. The normalcy that comes with realizing your prayers to ‘just make it to five o’clock,’ are heard and that you are just so thankful for that that you don’t even desire the innate feeling in most of our egos to stand out, be seen, ‘Make it’ in a way that lets people notice we ‘succeeded.’ Maybe this only comes with the realization of how nice it is to go to a grocery store braless and unnoticed. 

Maybe this is also something I, and so many of us in this point and shoot viral world, are trying to still learn. 

Sure, a lot of days I still crave being able to make a perfect Pintrest project, practice my Late Night interview with Letterman where I sound funny, charming, and likeable to all walks of life, or recreate a recipe from the New York Times website so great that The Barefoot Contessa finds out through word of mouth, and comes to my basement hide out, and offers to give me, a fellow barefoot loving bitch, her title and crown along with a glass of wine and a kiss from her husband, Jeffery. We’ll both laugh at how lovely it feels to be Barefoot ladies who understand that wanting ‘fame’ or ‘recognition’ in your twenties is only really a pathway to destruction by your 30s. 

And this is not exactly something that I learned easy.  In fact, I spent most of my twenties destroying my body with drugs - plenty of hard ones - and alcohol - various kinds of the same things - in order to numb my brain from the sadness that is just... being young, lonely, scared, unsure of yourself, and nervous that all of your hopes and expectations for yourself in your ‘dream life’ are too much for what you and your actual self will ever be capable of ever becoming. That I would never become the comedian I dreamed of being, or sing the perfect song in front of a crowd of admirers, or write that best selling book to tell everyone who thought I was nothing they could go fuck themselves. It’s something I still have to remind myself, and my brain and ego, that are most likely things I will never do because those are lottery dreams.  And people you know don’t actually win the lottery. And at the end of the day, I am people you know. And sometimes it breaks my own heart to realize I may never feel that rush of making a crowd laugh, or creating a piece of art that makes someone feel seen, but as Pam, from The Office said, and I am paraphrasing, ‘there is beauty in ordinary things.’ And I think reminding myself of that as I sat on the beach this summer and watched a dad teach his son to surf, and how happy they both were when he got up, gave me that brief feeling of... being okay. I won’t lie, I did cry a little at this realization at that moment, and I am slightly teary now as I write it, but I think I’m not ashamed of that because being normal means I get to feel things as I do, in that moment, and that is something I think I lacked in my desiring-bigger-flashier- twenties; actually being present in the world and your place in it. Even if that is just as small as being kind to a random person on the street.

I think that is why everything I felt I wanted to write never came out correct.  It never came out ‘Perfect.’ And that was my problem for most of my life, even up until today, I’m afraid that I am a perfectionist in the ways that are preventing me from becoming... me. I’m still fearful that I am too late in ever ‘accomplishing’ anything I ever dreamed. I doubt I will ever actually write a book. I’m unsure I’ll ever make a decent living. I am beyond doubtful I am ever going to be loveable to someone whom I also want to love back. And maybe I’m a little scared that I’ll never have a kid, or that if I do have a kid, I’ll never be a decent parent. And I’m still working on breaking the cycle of thinking something has to ‘sound’ or ‘be seen as important’ to be meaningful. There is beauty in the ordinary. I’ve started to make it my mantra. Spoken in my head every time I see a teenage couple holding hands walking in town, a father holding their baby close to his chest, a woman dressed in a power suit striding through an office building or city on their way to make their own careers or push equality further. I’ve started to dream of how actual normalcy makes the real changes. How every 4th grade teacher has a chance to change some kids life.

Clearly, a lot of these personal fears I have about myself not being ‘enough,’ or doing something good enough to become successful at it and build a life out of it, are monotonous fears and privileged middle-class complaints. I’m aware they may not resonate with anyone, anything, or mean much more than just being an online public diary entry to my own meandering thoughts, but, still - I finally felt like I had to try.  

So here it is, the whole truth on how I let myself become a ghost for years. 

I hope someone will stick around while I just... try to explain it all, figure it all out, and hopefully make sense out of even being whatever a human who is hoping to grow even means. Hopefully, something here will resonate with someone else and we can create our own little weirdo corner of the world where we’re not seeking more than just trying to be honest with ourselves and what it means to be human.  Even if that means just posting a recipe for banana bread (thank you Gwen Steffani for keeping me able to spell Banana), reposting random memes about how we all want to scream for 30 seconds and feel better, or sad-girl diary entry posts about how I ruined my own life a million times over.  Oh, and maybe I’ll give you tips on how to stain your wood deck, because I spent my day doing that yesterday and basically, Home Depot is calling me to be in their ADs. 

But at the core of it all, lets be very real, it’s hard to be human in so many ways. And I’m just hoping this connects with anyone. Especially any of us who wished we were different - in any way.

xoxo

-K

[hidelaney]

Hi Delaney,

I just listened to your new playlist entirely. It’s honestly a romance novel in a nutshell. The whole story line just wrote itself.

Something Great - Open the scene with the protagonist experiencing unrequited love.

Through the Dark - From the love interest’s POV, the love isn’t as unrequited as previously thought.

Why Don’t We Go There - Protagonist gets a really nice surprise from his love interest.

Does He Know? - Obligatory best friend vs almost boyfriend chapter.

Happily - They starts dating. Some people don’t like this development. Think campy ‘Romeo & Juliet’ which, come to think of it, that might be how Shakespeare intended. Less tragic obviously.

Strong - The defiant public display of affection. Because no one can break them apart.

Just a Little Bit of Your Heart - Never mind. The love interest was seen being cozy with someone else. Protagonist is heartbroken.

Fireproof - Love interest’s POV again. Basically establishes that the protagonist is an unreliable narrator.

Where Do Broken Hearts Go? - Protagonist is now groveling after wrongly accusing the love interest of cheating on him.

Ready to Run - The love interest turns out to be very understanding. It was his manipulative guardian who wanted to shove him into the closet and created the illusion that caused the misunderstanding after all. They’re a gay couple, btw. In case that wasn’t clear before,

Stockholm Syndrome - They basically run away together. Kind of? The protagonist didn’t get much advanced warning. It was all very impulsive on the love interest’s part.

No Control - The honeymoon phase. The protagonist is whipped. Not literally. Or maybe?

Olivia - They come back to face the music in real life. It’s kind of difficult. But protagonist is holding on.

Love You Goodbye - Love interest’s POV. We, readers, now realized the love interest is an equally unreliable narrator.

Two Ghosts - Protagonist is blindsided by their breakup. It’s a very confusing time for him.

Perfect - OPERATION: INTERVENTION by their very best friends. Mutually beneficial, because said best friends end up dating right after. Bam! Side story!

Sweet Creature - The sweetest lovemaking ever. The dirty talk (Question: Is it dirty talk when it’s all very sweet and nostalgic?) is a bunch of throw back to the time when they were just roommates. I forgot to mention that at the beginning.

Home - Love interest’s POV. Basically a love letter to protagonist.

If I Could Fly - Circumstances force them to do a long distance relationship. Maximum pining.

Just Hold On - They mutually decide to take a break from their relationship. Both thinking they’re giving the other an easy way out. The lack of honest and meaningful communication is real.

Someday - Each of their attempts to move on from each other is such a spectacular failure. A chapter of comedic goldmine.

Two of Us - Oh, no. Love interest just lost one of the most important people in his life. He retreats from social life to grieve alone. Agonizing angst here.

Ever Since New York - More heartbreak. Protagonist receives a seriously bad news from home. He suddenly understands why the love interest disappear from everyone and everything. Losing a family member hurts like hell.

Don’t Let It Break Your Heart - Love interest reaches out to offer condolences and helping hands at the funeral. Because, of course, protagonist did the same for him before.

Alfie’s Song (Not So Typical Love Song) - They seem to be tentatively getting back together.

Back to You - But they fight a lot. Love interest is very insecure, thinking protagonist only sees him as a temporary familiar comfort. The silent treatment is loud.

Meet Me in the Hallway - They break up again. If you could call it that. They weren’t really back together, were they?

Miss You - Love interest’s POV. The song basically said it all. He’s not okay. Nothing is fine. But he’s doing his best to pretend it is.

From the Dining Table - Protagonist is also not fine. At all.

Always You - It has taken quite a while but the love interest finally decides to reach out again.

To Be So Lonely - Protagonist is not having it this time.

Too Young - It’s the love interest’s turn to grovel. With incredibly sincere apology.

Lights Up - Protagonist is wavering. But still not convinced.

CHANGES - Love interest grovels some more.

Sunflower, Vol. 6 - Protagonist is this close to giving in. But he’s afraid of getting his heart broken again. Love interest has never once said the most important four-letter word again after all.

Defenseless - Love interest’s POV. Anxiety-filled chapter. It’s incredibly difficult but he still shows his hands, feeling half hopeful and half terrified. Basically saying to protagonist ‘I love you’ and ‘Please love me back’

Fine Line - Protagonist finally gives in. Makeup sex ensues. They’re both crying messes at this point.

Only the Brave - Love interest is planning to come out to his distance relatives and work colleagues. But he’s scared because of how badly his once-guardian had reacted.

Treat People With Kindness - Protagonist is very supportive every step of the way.

Fearless - Another anxiety-filled chapter. Love interest has a Confrontation with his once-guardian. But he can see right through all the manipulation tactics this time.

Adore You - Protagonist finds out about the Confrontation. He can understand the love interest’s great fear of coming out now.

We Made It - They celebrates getting back together with a group of their closest friends. But love interest’s once-guardian manages to weasel his way into manipulating the protagonist. By implying that the love interest had lied about coming out to everyone else other than their closest friends.

Falling - It’s their worst fight yet. They don’t sleep in the same bed for the first time since getting back together. Their friends meet up to plan another INTERVENTION.

Walls - They had the first of many very meaningful and brutally honest conversations. The intervention from their friends is thankfully not needed.

Golden - Protagonist finds out exactly how insecure the love interest actually is. Many Actions of Reassurance commence with the help of all their good friends and families.

Habit - Love interest is finally comfortable with their public displays of affection again. Still somewhat insecure. But protagonist is getting very good at dissuading him from that particular notion.

Canyon Moon - Circumstances require another period of long distance relationship. But they have actual honest-to-god good communication now so it’s alright! Happy Ending for now. Yayyyyyyy!!!!!! Roll credits.

Huh. So when I said roll credits, I looked through the songs to see who were the songwriters. I’m not sure why it didn’t cross my mind before. But you intentionally chose only the songs either Louis Tomlinson or Harry Styles co-wrote, didn’t you? Damn it. You’ve already planned this whole thing. Now I feel dumb typing all that out. Ughhhhhhhh.

Still love you. But god I hate you sometimes. And I thought I was so clever. Ughhhhhhhh!

DO NOT reply with “No! Jimmy protested.”

I hate you so much right now.

Yours truly,

Sasha

[ferryboatpeak]

I need to know every single thought you have about this album please and thank you

ok ok ok ok ok i’ve finally somewhat organized my thoughts, thank you for your patience! remember when i rhapsodized about lights up and said that what i really wanted from this album was more of the expansiveness of that guitar intro? well, i feel like harry more than delivered. the whole album is so BIG. it just unfolds and unfolds in every direction. it has such a sense of possibility. i love it more than i can possibly say.

golden is my absolute fave. big and sun-drenched and joyous. jes and i did our first listen with our respective earbuds and as soon as the vocals kicked in my jaw dropped and i gaped at her in utter disbelief and delight. then at “i know that you’re scared because i’m so open” i started flailing all of my limbs to communicate that there was an emergency and the emergency was that i was dying of joy. jes missed all of this because she was serenely listening with her eyes closed at the other end of the couch. i admire her composure in the face of the transcendent perfection that is golden.

watermelon sugar and adore you have been such growers for me, i love them more and more every time i listen to them. i love that harry took some mushrooms in cali and wrote a bunch of sad/whimsical/trippy songs, and then he went to england to knock out a few crowd pleasers to finish the album. lights up still makes me so happy, and i’m only sorry that the live version makes the SHINE! bits kind of quiet and climbing instead of allowing me to ecstatically scream SHINE! at harry styles the way i want to. maybe we can fix this over the course of tour.

jes opened her eyes briefly after falling so we could exchange pleading looks that (on my end at least) communicated HELP how is this song SO GOOD and ANGUISHED and HEARTFELT and PAINFUL and OMG THAT FIRST HIGH NOTE and WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THIS LOVE IN MY HEART FOR HARRY STYLES????? it absolutely blew me away on first listen, and it continues to do so, but it’s also one of the most accessible songs on the album and so it’s not in the top tier for me. like, other people are going to sing falling. it’s a sad ballad that a broad spectrum of people are going to be interested in listening to. but i like harry better when he’s a little bit of a weirdo.

…so, that’s why to be so lonely is also one of my faves. i love the contrast between the acceptance of responsibility in falling (“no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands”) and the petulance of to be so lonely (“you can’t blame me, darling”). this is the song i’m going to think of when I listen to the zane lowe interview for the one millionth time and harry says “you get petty.” it’s about indulging the worst of yourself during a breakup because you deserve it, goddammit. he’s not one bit sorry about being an arrogant son of a bitch and I LOVE IT. oh also why are we not talking about harry singing “i was just a little boy”?

oh did I skip cherry? i like cherry a lot (and i fucking loved it live) but i prefer the middle two installments of the side B wallowing. i do like the emotional specificity of “I can tell that you are at your best/I’m selfish so I’m hating it.” also real pleased with the taylor-esque burn in the reference to “his parent’s gallery”!

onward to side C! she is to hs2 what woman was to hs1, and i know i’m not the first to make that comparison, but the analogy works for me because both of them i was indifferent to on the album but boy i love them live. i’m so glad i got to see this album live right away so i didn’t waste four months being indifferent to the generically beatles sound of the first half of she when i could have been focusing on what’s really important: mitch earnestly and wholeheartedly confessing his love to harry via the medium of a sick guitar solo.

SUNFLOWER! god i love sunflower, my second favorite after golden. it’s quirky and sweet and just a little bit dark and of all the circus/celestial/alien sounds that pervade the album, this is my favorite permutation of them. (i love this recurring theme btw, that may be another post.) oh also there’s a whole other post about how hs1 had melodic echoes, e.g. the line that repeated from sott to only angel, but hs2 has lyrical echoes from song to song… brown skin, a gallery, picking up the kids from school, the import of calling someone “baby.” i don’t think it’s lazy or a failure of imagination; i think there’s a purpose behind each of the repeats. anyway the dueling gallery images from cherry and sunflower are one of my favorite occurrences of this trick.

i also really freaking love tpwk, first and foremost because it is EMPHATICALLY NOT A PREACHY SONG, instead it weirdly and wonderfully grounds itself in harry’s own body (“maybe we can find a place to feel good”) instead of purporting to give anyone advice about how to live. there’s whole other post in what this album has to say about harry’s body and its relationship to other bodies, starting with the lights up video and continuing with the imagery about “spreading you open” and so on through “feeling good in my skin.” i concede that all of the godspell comparisons about this song are 100 percent accurate but hey, i was a theater kid who will gladly belt out “preeeeeeeeeepare ye the way of the lord!” at the slightest provocation so i’m fucking into it.

oh I missed canyon moon! it is fine, i like it, it is a good song. like falling does, it suffers a bit in my ranking because it is a very accessible song.

ok ok ok ok now we’re at fine line and i’m not going to be able to put into words how the end makes me feel, starting when the horns come in. (oh did i mention how much i love the horns throughout the album? this and the lead-in to the watermelon sugar chorus especially.) it has all of the expansiveness i wanted, all of the hope, all of the triumph, all of the earned growth, all of the promise. this is the part where i cried (not during falling). sometimes i cut this song off partway because i can’t handle going through the emotions of the end.

in conclusion, there is not a clinker in the bunch and i am SO PROUD and SO HAPPY. also (1) golden (2) sunflower vol. 6 (3) watermelon sugar (4) adore you (5) lights up (6) to be so lonely (7) fine line (8) falling (9) tpwk (10) canyon moon (11) cherry (12) she.

[senpai-writes]

I was tagged by my fav @haikyuulovercompany I love her & we follow each other on Instagram.

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 followers you want to know better!

Age: 20 but I look 15

Birthplace: I know y’all don’t think I’m crazy enough to tell y’all where I live but Texas.

Current time: 6:51 PM

Drink you last had: Water cause this girl is THIRSTY.

Easiest person to talk to: Probably my friend Brie, she’s crazy lol.

Favorite song: Woman and Only Angel by Harry Styles, recently bought his new album (that was released a year ago oops) and I absolutely love it! 

Grossest memory: Bugs freak me out and I got head lice one time and it was disgusting. I will literally never unsee the bugs in my sink!! (sorry if your head itches now)

Hogwarts house: Hufflepuff but I’m not a Harry Potter fan lol (use to be though)

In love: I was last year, but my ex left me for another girl without having the decency to say so. Now I’m kinda nervous/scared to get in another relationship. (Unless it’s with Harry Styles)

Jealous of people: I’m envious of people who are outgoing and can chase their dreams, oh and also of people who are really really smart but complain that they got an A-. Witch I cry tears of joy if I make a C in my classes.

Killed someone: No bc if I did, my mom would bust me out of jail just to beat me.

Love at first sight or walk by again: Walk by again, I’m not going to fall in love with a stranger I just made eye contact with. (once again, unless it’s Harry Styles)

Middle name: Skye

No. of siblings: It’s just me. I’m the only one. The favorite. I’m lonely send help.

One wish: That I meet a man that accepts me for me and is ridiculously romantic. AKA HARRY STYLES WHERE YOU AT???

Person you last called: My friend Bella, we’re planning on having a photoshoot. She asks me to be her model for when she wants to practice photography.

Question you are asked most: Are you really 20? What grade are you in? (I’m a junior in college btw)

Song you last sung: The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

Time you woke up: 2:00 in the morning pls send help.

Vacation destination: I’d like to go to Greece or maybe London?

Worst habit: I get excited when I meet new people and I come across as clingy but it’s just bc I’m happy that I might make a new friend.

X-rays: I have scoliosis and I use to get x-rays taken of my back. I always thought it was fun and now I’m in college studying to be a medical diagnosis sonographer. Fun fact, I had to wear a back brace for two years and wear it at least 18 hours a day.

Favorite food: Cheese quesadillas and chicken strips.

Can’t tag anybody bc I don’t talk to anyone besides Bunny on Tumblr lol. Thanks for tagging me @haikyuulovercompany :)