#the sal friendship and dad tommy is just for me

[momotonescreaming]

choosing my confessions

Rating: T | WC: 2.2k | Tommy Kinard & Sal Deluca Coming Out, Friendship, Comfort

Inspired by this text post of mine

[read on ao3]

"Hey Sal," Tommy says casually, cell phone clutched to his ear, hands shaking. "Do you think I could come over tonight, crash in the spare room?"

"Trouble in paradise? Megan kick you out?" Sal says with a humourless laugh, more an exhale of air than anything else. It crackles through the phone speaker. He's known Sal long enough to know he's not being malicious. If Sal was, he'd know. "Shit, man, sure."

"Good, because I'm outside." Tommy admits, and looks out the drivers side window of his car at Sal's house. He'd been sitting in his car for a solid 30 minutes before he called, staring at the brick of Sal's mid-century home, daring his friend to come out the front door and discover him waiting. So he didn't have to ring him and ask. But Sal didn't, and so Tommy did.

Tommy sighs, breath shuddering, watching the curtains move in the window. A shadow getting closer, bigger, before ripping the curtains apart. And there, in the window is Sal with his cell phone clutched to his ear and an incredulous look on his face. He spots Tommy, in his car outside his house, seat belt still on, and something in his face changes. He hears Sal sigh down the phone, and sees him deflate in the window, back lit by the light from his living room.

He yanks the curtains shut, and after a second Tommy watches him yank the front door open with just as much force. Lowering the phone from his ear, he can see more than he can hear Sal telling him to get the fuck inside.

They both hang up the phone.

Sliding sheepishly out of his truck, phone back in his pocket, Tommy makes his way on shaky legs across to Sal's front door.

Sal, who's standing there in a worn Lakers shirt and sweatpants, phone in one hand with the other on his hip. He looks eerily like his wife, Gina. Tommy would laugh if he didn't feel like he had been flipped inside out. Stripped raw and shaking on his best friend's doorstep.

The door shuts behind him, gentler this time, and Sal ushers him through to the living room. Past the entranceway, with the coat rack and hall table Gina made Sal drive halfway across the city to get, and the framed photos of them on the wall. There's even one of Tommy and Sal at his wedding, Sal in his tuxedo with Tommy in his complementary Best Man suit. It was a good day. He spent most of the day running around with the groomsmen, coordinating with the Maid of Honour, making sure that Sal had the best day possible — that he almost forgot he had invited Megan as his date.

Gina's in the living room, curled up in a recliner, her wavy black hair tied in a knot at the top of her head. She sees Tommy and smiles, giving him a soft look before she locks eyes with Sal. He must pull a face at her from where he's standing behind Tommy, communicating silently, as she uncurls herself and gets off the recliner.

"I'll be in our room if you need anything," she says, far too casually to be anything other than contrived, her silently communicating with Sal again. Tommy watches as she raises an eyebrow at Sal before disappearing down the hall.

Tommy turns to see Sal rolling his eyes fondly, as he always does with Gina, before turning to Tommy. Something in his expression settles into something more serious, something more searching. As if he could peer into the lines on Tommy's face and figure out exactly why he's here.

"Sit," Sal says, firmly but not unkindly. He takes a seat on the living room couch, a deep brown leather one Tommy knew had come from Sal when they merged their things together. It was old, and worn, but it was incredibly comfortable and neither of them wanted to throw it out. It was comfortable, and Tommy wishes the small relief of it will make the impending conversation easier.

Tommy sits, sinking into the plush leather next to Sal. The curtains shut, blocking out the depth of the night. The living room lit by soft warm coloured lamps, and the shine of the TV. He sighs, looking down at his feet, feeling Sal's gaze burn into the side of his head.

"You know I was mostly joking when I said trouble in paradise, you know." Sal starts, breaking the silence. Hands clasped together, elbows resting on his knees.

"Yeah, well, you're not exactly wrong." Tommy starts, tilting his head as if to concede his own point. "Hasn't been paradise in a long while. Or at all."

He watches Sal purse his lips, look at him, staring into his eyes. As if he's staring into his soul. He's always been good at that, reading people, really seeing them. Looking past the facade, seeing the version of themselves that they put on for others, and the version of themselves that feels more true to them. He's always been very good at reading Tommy.

"How so?" Sal prompts.

"Have you ever started realising something about yourself?" Tommy starts, looking over at his best friend. His voice starts to waver, and he sees Sal's eyes flicker over his face. Of course he notices, small as the waver was. "And the more you think about it, the more you realise you can't take it back? You can't un-know this thing about yourself?"

"No." Sal admits, and Tommy sort of deflates before he continues. "But I'm guessing you can?"

His voice hitches in his throat, catching there, stopping all air from flowing from his mouth to his lungs. This is the moment. To tell Sal what he realised about himself. He doesn't know if he can do it. He kind of feels like he's gonna throw up, bile churning his stomach. Bubbling and boiling like hot tar sinking in the pit of his gut. Like if he tells Sal it's going to change everything, redirect the course of their whole friendship. Maybe even end it.

A lot like the realisation itself, if he tells Sal he can't take it back.

Sal's relaxed a lot over the years, calmed down and matured. In part, thanks to Gina. He's not a bad guy, never was. Working under Gerrard was hard for them all, and they both fell into the safety of the Old Boys Club. It meant they kept their jobs. Got to live another day with that sense of community. Not that it was, Tommy realising that only once Gerrard was ousted and the whole 118 could settle.

"Yeah," Tommy exhales, throat tight and voice shuddering on the exhale. He clenches his fist, nails digging crescent shaped dents into the calloused palm of his hands. Almost drawing blood. He takes a deep breath, and looks over at Sal, eyes watering. "I think I'm gay."

And then he's being hugged. Being pulled in by strong arms, across the couch and into Sal's embrace. He reaches back, arms wrapping around Sal, letting himself be swallowed by the man's hold. It's nice. He needs it.

Tommy lets out a wet sob, pressing his face into Sal's shoulder. He feels a little silly for the doubt he was feeling before, the nerves pressing the words back down his throat. He mumbles into Sal's shirt. "Thank you."

"Don't have to thank me for anything," Sal replies, rubbing a hand up and down his back. Smoothing down the fabric of Tommy's flannel, soothing him. "You bastard, I should be thanking you for opening up."

"How about a draw?" Tommy proposes, and he feels Sal laugh from where their torsos are pressed together. Sal starts pulling back, drawing his hands across the smooth planes of Tommy's back, and he resists the urge to grab Sal's wrists and pull him back for another hug.

"If it means you accept the thank you, then I'll fucking take it." Sal jokes, resting his hand on Tommy's shoulder, leaving it there. A fact for which Tommy is thankful. He focuses on it, uses it to anchor himself, keep himself in the moment. It doesn't stop his eyes from watering. Sal locks eyes with him, and he feels like he's been cracked open a second time. Like he's gripped his ribcage and torn them apart, exposing his bleeding heart. "Seriously though Tommy? You're still my best fucking friend."

"You too," is all Tommy can get out before he has to sniff wetly, blinking back tears. In his wildest dreams, he could never have predicted this went this well. Not with what they both went through, the culture that surrounded them. At work, and at home. The machismo, the idea of what a man really is, the idea that they have to become it. The macho hobbies, the macho job, the idea that he can enjoy these things — or elements of them at least — and still, maybe, be gay.

"I'm guessing you told Megan?" Sal asks, not unkindly, raising an eyebrow. He's processed what this means in his head, Tommy can tell, running through all the options. The solutions.

"Yeah."

"Which is why you're here."

"Yeah," Tommy repeats, nodding his head. "We talked a bit — not much, mind you. Ripped off the band-aid, but I figured we could both use some space to figure it all out."

"Well you're always welcome here," Sal says warmly, a fact for which Tommy is forever grateful. He doesn't know what he'd do if he and his girlfriend — ex-girlfriend now — were stuck in his house together after dropping the bombshells they did. "Gina would have my ass if I didn't."

Tommy snorts out a laugh, smile twitching at the corners of his mouth — before he lets the expression drop into a frown. He takes another deep breath, looking over at Sal, hand on his shoulder, before looking down at his clenched hands. Knuckles white with tension. "There's something else."

"Oh?"

"Megan's pregnant."

"Shit." Sal says, almost on accident, words coming out of his mouth before he can stop it. "Fuck. What are you gonna do?"

"No fucking clue," Tommy admits, letting out a strained and humourless laugh. "She's further along than expected, apparently, and doesn't know if she wants to keep it."

"Well what about you?" Sal asks, to which Tommy just makes a questioning noise. "Do you want to keep it?"

"I really don't think that matters all that much, Sal." Tommy admits, looking at Sal incredulously. "She's the one that's pregnant."

"Well you're my friend, and I'd argue it does." Sal replies, a teasing lilt to his voice, as if he's a thirteen year old kid about to say so there. His voice drops into something serious."That kid's yours too, you know?"

"I haven't really let myself think about it?" Tommy says, words coming out questioning and unsure. "Tonight, or ever, really. Marriage and kids always felt like something that was never meant for me, you know? Now I know why."

"Maybe it's time to let yourself think about it." Sal says with a shrug. He looks casual, but there's that calculating look on his face, in his words. Where there's something underneath the surface he's not saying. Tommy sighs, he doesn't know if he wants to admit if Sal has a point or not. "Kids. No rush."

"There's a bit of a rush, Sal," Tommy says, letting himself snark back at his best friend. "Pregnancy doesn't go on forever."

"Ha ha, wiseguy. I went to health class, I know how fucking pregnancy works." Sal teases back. "I'm just saying this might be the time to think about it. Now that you know more about yourself."

"Maybe." He replies quietly. "I don't know. We have a bunch of other stuff to figure out first."

"Well I'm always here," Sal says. "If you ever need anything."

"Thank you," Tommy replies gratefully. Knowing that Sal's there, that he knows his situation — that's he's gay and his now ex-girlfriend is pregnant — helps ease the anxious vice grip on his heart. He has someone to talk to. He doesn't have to hide it. He has the space to sit down and just be a gay man.

He wants to explore that side of himself, to let himself look at guys, focus on how they make him feel. How he's allowed to look at them. Maybe go to a gay club.

But now he has bigger things to worry about. He and Megan need to talk the housing situation, about the stuff they bought together, and what they're going to do about the baby. He doesn't know if he even has the time to be gay. Which feels a little silly to say, but sadly true.

He needs to think about if he wants to be a father. If he wants a kid.

At first instinct, if he lets himself even consider the thought of it — he kind of wants to be a father. The idea terrifies him, and the thought of turning out like his father terrifies him even more.

But Tommy thinks it might be nice to be a dad.

[cosyvelvetorchid]

Could you write a little story where Sal and Tommy were in a secret romantic relationship when they were at the 118 ?

Fast forward to the present time : Sal is finally out and wants to resume his story with Tommy, which triggers jealousy in the relationship Tommy/ Buck.

It would give Tommy complicated feelings at first, especially about his past and who he was at the time, but it would remain clear that his history with Sal is long over and that Buck is the long term for him.

Thank you very much 🩶

So I semi-cheated with this one. The first half of this is actually from a prompt I wrote a few days ago, but I was reading through it and realised it actually worked really well as the beginning part of this prompt. I hope you enjoy it!

As always you can send me your bucktommy, saltommy or Tommy prompts to my ask.

Thank you 🩶

*******

Things were going well for Sal. Professionaly speaking that is. He'd finally made Captain at the 122 and had a great team of people under his helm. It had been a rocky start when Captian Nash had transferred him out. It took him months of acting out and a whole bucket of denial before he finally admitted to himself that he was the one the blame. That he had wanted to be Captain of the 118 and his behaviour toward Nash had come from resentment and jealousy.

Six months after leaving he found out Gina was getting remarried and thinking about moving to the other side of the country, taking the twins with her. And then he found himself being given an ultimatum by his Captain after a turning up to work with alcohol on his breath: go to therapy or go home. Permanently. He'd chosen the former, and 5 years down the line it could happily admit that it was the best decision he'd ever made.

His co-parenting relationship with Gina, who chose to stay, was better than it ever was when they were married. He even attended her wedding!

There was, however, one thing from his past that still haunted him.

Tommy.

There had always been something there between them. Something that they both thought was just friendship. That all changed one night after a particularly tough shift when Tommy had invited him over to his place for some beers. Gina was thinking about moving closer to her parents and Sal was devastated at the thought.

"It's just.. my girls are my world. If Gina takes them away I don't know what I'll do." He placed his head in his hands and tried to sniff away the emotion. Tommy slid closer to him on the sofa and placed a comforting hand between Sal's shoulder blades and rubbed gently.

"It'll be okay. Gina knows how much you love those kids." He said. Sal sniffed again.

"I don't know, Tommy."

"Look at me." He told Sal. Sal sniffed again and lifting his head to meet Tommys gaze. "You might be a crappy husband but you're an amazing dad."

"You really think that?" He asked; his eyes wet and pleading.

"Yes." He answered. Tommy's eyes were soft and his reassuring smile was easy. Sals heart was hurting and he was terrified of losing his girls. He knew he could rely on Tommy to give him some comfort but he needed more. He needed security. He needed a promise that it would all be okay. He needed something to be wrapped around his insides, to really feel it would all be okay. As he thought about it all, he found himself looking at Tommys lips. He hadn't done it consciously but he was doing it. Without warning an idea popped into his head that shot fire into his organs. But without the level headed-ness of sobriety, he acted before he could analyse the thought.

He leaned forward and kissed Tommy. Tommy kissed back without hesitation. The kiss was big and wet. Drunken. Sal pushed his body forward, tipping Tommy back onto the couch with him on top. It was a big mistake. The quick movment sent a massive wave of nausea through Sal and he grabbed at his mouth.

"Woah!" Tommy called out pushing Sal back up and reaching out for the empty popcorn bowl on the table, shoving into Sals lap just in time to catch the repeat of Sals dinner and beer. Tommy got up to use the bathroom and get Sal a glass of water and by the time he came back into the living room Sal was already passed out on the couch.

The next morning, in the vice grip of a hangover, Sal had said he didn't remember anything from the previous night and Tommy didnt remind him. But the truth was he remembered it all. He remembered the feel of his lips on Tommy's, the electricity that surged in his stomach at the touch, the way his heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest. All of it. But he was too confused, embarrassed and terrified to address it.

Until a week later when he'd gone to Tommy's to watch a pay per view fight, and when Tommy had laughed at something Sal had said - something that he couldn't remember anymore - and his face had crinkled with that big smile, he'd kissed him again. Only this time he was sober. Tommy once again had reciprocated. This kiss however was different from the last. It wasn't drunken and all over the place. It was slow and gentle. Tentative. It happened a few more times that night and everytime Sal felt like he was floating.

They began seeing eachother in secret. Over the next year things got deeper between them. Within a month they'd agreed to not see other people and 6 months in Sal had been the first to say "I love you." Tommy had beamed and said it back.

Every so often Tommy would approach the subject of going public. But Sal always shut it down.

"I get this is new for you, and not for me. And I don't want you to feel pressured. But, I love you and I want us to be in a normal relationship. One where I get to take you out and show you off." Tommy had said one night, as they lay in his bed in a post coital haze.

"I know, and I love you too, Tommy. But I'm just.. I'm not ready. I'm from a big, traditional Catholic family, you know that. It's gonna cause a lot of shit. Shit that I'm not ready to deal with." He'd argued.

Tommy knew it wouldn't be easy for him and he'd probably lose family over it. And he knew how much that would hurt Sal and so he backed off. But the longer their relationship went on, the harder it got for Tommy. He was feeling like a dirty secret. He began resent Sal for it.

And then the fight happened. The fight that changed everything.

They'd gone to a bar after shift with a few other members of the 118. Tommy tried to sit next to Sal at the table and Sal had responded by scooting around to the other side. Tommy tried to ignore the shitty feeling it gave him. Until Hen had pointed out a gorgeous woman standing at the bar.

"I'd sell my own mother get a piece of that." Sal told her with a laugh. Tommy's stomach sank at the comment. His heart broke. In that moment he realised that Sal would probably never be ready to be with him. Not entirely. Not like Tommy needed. Sal knew his comment probably hurt Tommy and for the next moments avoided his eyes. Tommy, however, stood up.

"Im actually really tired, so I'm going to head home. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He told them and left the bar, not giving Sal or anybody a chance to respond.

Two hours later Sal showed up at Tommy's.

"I really can't talk to you right now, Sal. Please, just go home." He tried to close the door but Sal, though 2 inches shorter than Tommy, was actually a little stronger and pushed past him at the door and walked into the kitchen.

"Sal, I'm serious." He told him, firmly.

"I know why you're mad, Tommy and I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Tommy asked.

"For making those comments in the bar. I shouldn't have said that in front of you." Sal said. Tommy scoffed.

"Sal, you shouldn't have been saying them at all! And you wouldn't have if Hen, or anybody else, knew about us."

"You know why I can't! And we can't keep having this same fight." Sal argued back.

"I do know why, Sal. And I get it. You know I do. I've been there. But I can't.. I can't live like this. I can't spend another day feeling like your dirty little secret. It's breaking my heart."

Sal ran a hand though his hair. He knew how he was making Tommy feel and he hated it. It broke his own heart to know he was doing that to Tommy. But he was terrified of losing everything if people found out. His parents, the girls.. he couldn't lose them. But he didn't want to lose Tommy either. He loved him.

"I just.. I want to be.. I want to tell people, Tommy. I want to be the man that makes you feel good and not the man that makes you feel bad. But-"

"You're not ready." Tommy finished. His tone full of realisation. Sal was never going to be ready. He could stay with him and hope that one day, someday, Sal would feel he was ready. But there was no guarantee that that day would ever come. And Tommy couldn't hold out hope any longer.

"Im not ready." Sal repeated looking down.

"I can't be someone's secret, Sal. Even if I do love them. I'm sorry." Sal looked up to see a tear rolling down Tommy's cheek.

"Wait, are you.. are you breaking up with me?!" Sal said incredulously.

"Im sorry, Sal. I can't do this anymore. And I'm not going to force you to come out, because that would be a really shitty thing to do. But that means my only option is to walk away. I've worked so hard over the last few years to become someone I'm proud of and I can't go back to hiding in the closet. I'm sorry. I just can't."

"Tommy, please, " Sal pleaded. He stepped closer to Tommy "I promise i-"

Tommy stepped back.

"No, Sal." His voice was low and shaky. He was using everything within him to hold back more tears that were desperate to fall. Sal held his gaze for a moment, hoping it would change. Eventually Tommy's eyes moved away. Sals heart broke. He wanted to say something. Anything. A thousand things to beg Tommy to not do this. But he couldn't. That fear of coming out was far too deep rooted. He simply turned and walked out of Tommy's house.

The next week at work was excruciating. Seeing Tommy everyday and not being able to talk to him or touch him was almost physically painful. Tommy had tried to speak to him, to make sure he was okay but he couldn't handle that. He snapped at him, sniped at him and was generally being a bastard. They'd had another new captain, Nash, and Sal was not making a good impression on him by behaving the way that he was. It all came to a head after a shift when Nash had reprimanded him for putting them in danger on a scene. Nash had fired him. He'd changed his mind the next day and instead chose to transfer him to the 122, but for a while Sal thought he whole world was falling apart.

5 years later, and his life was entirely different. His work and home life were exactly what he'd wanted them to be. With one exception. He was alone. He'd dated here or there over the years. Including men once he'd accepted that he did in fact like men, too. But it never worked out. They weren't Tommy. Losing him was the biggest regret of his life.

He and his team had gone out for drinks one evening at a random badge and ladders bar. He'd left the group the get another drink and stood at the bar. Movement in his peripheral vision made him look to the right and his heart almost stopped at the sight of the man standing at the bar.

"Tommy?"

"Sal." Tommy's faced crinkled with that big smile he always loved. He moved closer and immediately hugged him, slapping his back with a large hand. He still smelled the same, Sal thought. "It's good to see you."

"Yeah, you too."

"So how's things?" Tommy asked.

"Uh, good. I made Captain at the 122"

"Thats great. Congratulations!"

"Thanks. What about you? You still at the 118?"

"No, I transferred out. I'm at Harbour." He told him.

"You flying again? I know you always wanted to do that again since you left the army." Sal remembered the night they were lying in bed and Tommy had told him how much he had missed being in the air.

"Yeah. I definitely missed it."

"Well I'm glad you're happy there." Sal smiled.

"Hey, Howie and Hen are back there, why don't you come and say Hi." Tommy suggested. Sal contemplated it for a moment.

"That's alright, I'll leave you guys to it."

"No way. I know they'd love to see you. C'mon." He held Sals arm and pulled him through the crowd. The feel of Tommy's hand on his bare forearm felt exactly had it did 5 years before. He wanted that feeling tattooed permanently on his skin.

"Guys look who I found!" He called out as they approached the table.

"Deluca?" Hen questioned with a smile. "It's been a while." She stood to hug him.

"Yeah. How are you? How's Karen?" He asked.

"Good. We're both good."

"How's things at the 122?" Chim asked. Tommy grabbed Sals shoulder.

"Sal, here made Captain." Sal noticed an element of pride in Tommy's voice. He was still proud of him all these years later? A warmth filled his heart. He'd convinced himself that Tommy still hated him.

"Hey thats awesome, congrats." Chim exclaimed.

"Sorry about that." Buck walked up to them. "That was Maddie on the phone. She wants us to babysit Jee-yun on Saturday."

"Let me guess.. Jee wants us to take her to the zoo?" Tommy asked with a fond smile.

"Are you surpised?" Buck asked. "You can't say no to her. She's got her uncle Tommy wrapped around her little finger. She knows you'll give her anything she wants." He laughed.

Her uncle Tommy?

"And I wouldn't have it any other way." He said. Buck smiled at him fondly and pressed a chaste kiss on Tommy's lips.

Sals heart broke all over again. He knew logically that Tommy had more than likely moved on. It had been 5 years. But there was a part of Sal that still held on to hope. That hope was now blown to smithereens in a painful blast to his heart.

"Oh, this is Sal. Old 118. Sal this is my boyfriend Evan." Buck reached out his hand to shake Sal's.

"Buck. Everyone calls me Buck."

"It's, uh.. Good to meet you." He scanned the man in front of him. He was taller than himself, and leaner though still muscular like him. He had dirty blonde hair also like him. Tommy definitely had a type.

"Im starving. We should order food." Buck told Tommy.

They sat back at the table as to scan the bar menu. Tommy arm was across Bucks shoulder as they pointed to things and discussed what they were going to order. There was a domesticity to their body language. An easy closeness. One that Sal had Tommy once had a long time ago. Tommy was happy. Anybody with eyes could see that.

The last little piece of hope hidden deep inside Sal's heart floated away.

***

"You okay?" Buck asked Tommy. They were sitting on Bucks couch watching TV later that night. Well, Buck was watching, Tommy's eyes were staring into vacant space. "Earth to Tommy."

"Huh?" He replied, coming back to reality.

"Are you okay?"

"Oh. Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He sipped his beer. Buck turned off the TV and turned to face him.

"Tommy, when we first started dating you made a big deal about me communicating with you always so that you knew I was okay. But that works both ways. So if something is wrong you need to tell me."

Tommy looked at him. His sweet, earnest face was something that had become one of Tommy's favourite things. He sighed.

"Nothings wrong. Not really. It's just.." He began picking at the sticker on his beer bottle. "You remember when I cut our first date short because I thought you weren't ready? Well.. Sal was the reason." Bucks brows pushed together in confusion.

"Sal and I.. We.. he was my first love."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Tommy nodded, concentrating on a particularly difficult section of the sticker. "We were together for almost a year. Nobody knew. For the first few months I don't mind the secrecy. I felt like I had this exciting thing that was just my own. But then.. I started to feel like I was ready to go public. I wanted to tell the world that I loved him. But.."

"But he wasn't ready?" Buck guessed.

"I mean I understood - he came from a very traditional family that had a correct way of doing things. You marry a nice girl, have babies and live happily ever after. I got that it would be hard to go against that. But I just.. I couldn't carry on feeling like someone's dirty secret anymore. I broke his heart. And mine. Walking away was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.."

"Do.. do you regret doing it?" Tommy knew what Buck was really asking - do you regret being with me and wish you could be with Sal again?

Buck felt a sense of something in his stomach. Jealousy? It seemed ridiculous, he knew that. He'd been in love before himself - he couldn't expect Tommy to not have. But hearing about Sal triggered his deep seated feelings of not being good enough. Tommy had been nothing but patient with him, and had never, not once, made him feel like he was hard to be with. But Buck still had that fear in the pit of his stomach that one day Tommy was going to realise that he wasn't good enough, or too much hard work and that it would be easier to be with someone else. Someone like Sal.

"No." Tommy said softly, but confidently, looking directly at Buck. "I did for a while, yeah. I spent a couple of years rolling the 'what ifs' around in my mind. But ultimately I knew I had made the right decision for me. Just seeing him again reminded me of all of that, ya know. The pain and uncertainty and fear. I'd forgotten what all that felt like. I guess it just threw me remembering it all."

He put his beer bottle on the coffee table and turned his body to face Buck, taking his hand.

"But listen, If there was any doubt floating around somewhere deep in the back of my mind, it was blown away the second I kissed you for the first time." Buck smiled and looked at him all bashful - something Tommy adored. "Evan, I know I'm not the greatest at sharing my feelings sometimes - spending most of your life hiding how you feel is a habit not easy to break - but I do not regret a single decision that led me to you. I love you, Evan. I know that its probably too soon to say it, but its true. And i dont want you to live another minute without knowing that."

Bucks arms came flying at him and around his neck, squeezing him tightly.

"Woah!" Tommy cried out, as the force of Bucks weight coming at him knocked him back. Buck kissed along his temple, then cheek, then finally his lips. Tommy hummed into it, never tiring of the physical feel of Bucks feelings for him.

"I love you too." He mumbled against Tommy's lips before kissing him again.

[cosyvelvetorchid]

I got a Saltommy/Salommy prompt for you!

The one that got away; Sal realised that if he hadn't buried his feelings, he could have had Tommy all along. But he meets Buck and sees how happy they are, and he mourns what could have been.

Thanks for the prompt!

And oh man this was a sad one to write ��

As always you can send any bucktommy or saltommy prompts to my ask and I'll write a little something. 🩶

********

Things were going well for Sal. Professionaly speaking that is. He'd finally made Captain at the 122 and had a great team of people under his helm. It had been a rocky start when Captian Nash had transferred him out. It took him months of acting out and a whole bucket of denial before he finally admitted to himself that he was the one the blame. That he had wanted to be Captain of the 118 and his behaviour toward Nash had come from resentment and jealousy.

Six months after leaving he found out Gina was getting remarried and thinking about moving to the other side of the country, taking the twins with her. And then he found himself being given an ultimatum by his Captain after a turning up to work with alcohol on his breath: go to therapy or go home. Permanently. He'd chosen the former, and 5 years down the line it could happily admit that it was the best decision he'd ever made.

His co-parenting relationship with Gina, who chose to stay, was better than it ever was when they were married. He even attended her wedding!

There was, however, one thing from his past that still haunted him.

Tommy.

There had always been something there between them. Something that they both thought was just friendship. That all changed one night after a particularly tough shift when Tommy had invited him over to his place for some beers. Gina was thinking about moving closer to her parents and Sal was devastated at the thought.

"It's just.. my girls are my world. If Gina takes them away I don't know what I'll do." He placed his head in his hands and tried to sniff away the emotion. Tommy slid closer to him on the sofa and placed a comforting hand between Sal's shoulder blades and rubbed gently.

"It'll be okay. Gina knows how much you love those kids." He said. Sal sniffed again.

"I don't know, Tommy."

"Look at me." He told Sal. Sal sniffed again and lifting his head to meet Tommys gaze. "You might be a crappy husband but you're an amazing dad."

"You really think that?" He asked; his eyes wet and pleading.

"Yes." He answered. Tommy's eyes were soft and his reassuring smile was easy. Sals heart was hurting and he was terrified of losing his girls. He knew he could rely on Tommy to give him some comfort but he needed more. He needed security. He needed a promise that it would all be okay. He needed something to be wrapped around his insides, to really feel it would all be okay. As he thought about it all, he found himself looking at Tommys lips. He hadn't done it consciously but he was doing it. Without warning an idea popped into his head that shot fire into his organs. But without the level headed-ness of sobriety, he acted before he could analyse the thought.

He leaned forward and kissed Tommy. Tommy kissed back without hesitation. The kiss was big and wet. Drunken. Sal pushed his body forward, tipping Tommy back onto the couch with him on top. It was a big mistake. The quick movment sent a massive wave of nausea through Sal and he grabbed at his mouth.

"Woah!" Tommy called out pushing Sal back up and reaching out for the empty popcorn bowl on the table, shoving into Sals lap just in time to catch the repeat of Sals dinner and beer. Tommy got up to use the bathroom and get Sal a glass of water and by the time he came back into the living room Sal was already passed out on the couch.

The next morning, in the vice grip of a hangover, Sal had said he didn't remember anything from the previous night and Tommy didnt remind him. But the truth was he remembered it all. He remembered the feel of his lips on Tommy's, the electricity that surged in his stomach at the touch, the way his heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest. All of it. But he was too confused, embarrassed and terrified to address it.

Until a week later when he'd gone to Tommy's to watch a pay per view fight, and when Tommy had laughed at something Sal had said - something that he couldn't remember anymore - and his face had crinkled with that big smile, he'd kissed him again. Only this time he was sober. Tommy once again had reciprocated. This kiss however was different from the last. It wasn't drunken and all over the place. It was slow and gentle. Tentative. It happened a few more times that night and everytime Sal felt like he was floating.

They began seeing eachother in secret. Over the next year things got deeper between them. Within a month they'd agreed to not see other people and 6 months in Sal had been the first to say "I love you." Tommy had beamed and said it back.

Every so often Tommy would approach the subject of going public. But Sal always shut it down.

"I get this is new for you, and not for me. And I don't want you to feel pressured. But, I love you and I want us to be in a normal relationship. One where I get to take you out and show you off." Tommy had said one night, as they lay in his bed in a post coital haze.

"I know, and I love you too, Tommy. But I'm just.. I'm not ready. I'm from a big, traditional Catholic family, you know that. It's gonna cause a lot of shit. Shit that I'm not ready to deal with." He'd argued.

Tommy knew it wouldn't be easy for him and he'd probably lose family over it. And he knew how much that would hurt Sal and so he backed off. But the longer their relationship went on, the harder it got for Tommy. He was feeling like a dirty secret. He began resent Sal for it.

And then the fight happened. The fight that changed everything.

They'd gone to a bar after shift with a few other members of the 118. Tommy tried to sit next to Sal at the table and Sal had responded by scooting around to the other side. Tommy tried to ignore the shitty feeling it gave him. Until Hen had pointed out a gorgeous woman standing at the bar.

"I'd sell my own mother get a piece of that." Sal told her with a laugh. Tommy's stomach sank at the comment. His heart broke. In that moment he realised that Sal would probably never be ready to be with him. Not entirely. Not like Tommy needed. Sal knew his comment probably hurt Tommy and for the next moments avoided his eyes. Tommy, however, stood up.

"Im actually really tired, so I'm going to head home. I'll see you guys tomorrow." He told them and left the bar, not giving Sal or anybody a chance to respond.

Two hours later Sal showed up at Tommy's.

"I really can't talk to you right now, Sal. Please, just go home." He tried to close the door but Sal, though 2 inches shorter than Tommy, was actually a little stronger and pushed past him at the door and walked into the kitchen.

"Sal, I'm serious." He told him, firmly.

"I know why you're mad, Tommy and I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Tommy asked.

"For making those comments in the bar. I shouldn't have said that in front of you." Sal said. Tommy scoffed.

"Sal, you shouldn't have been saying them at all! And you wouldn't have if Hen, or anybody else, knew about us."

"You know why I can't! And we can't keep having this same fight." Sal argued back.

"I do know why, Sal. And I get it. You know I do. I've been there. But I can't.. I can't live like this. I can't spend another day feeling like your dirty little secret. It's breaking my heart."

Sal ran a hand though his hair. He knew how he was making Tommy feel and he hated it. It broke his own heart to know he was doing that to Tommy. But he was terrified of losing everything if people found out. His parents, the girls.. he couldn't lose them. But he didn't want to lose Tommy either. He loved him.

"I just.. I want to be.. I want to tell people, Tommy. I want to be the man that makes you feel good and not the man that makes you feel bad. But-"

"You're not ready." Tommy finished. His tone full of realisation. Sal was never going to be ready. He could stay with him and hope that one day, someday, Sal would feel he was ready. But there was no guarantee that that day would ever come. And Tommy couldn't hold out hope any longer.

"Im not ready." Sal repeated looking down.

"I can't be someone's secret, Sal. Even if I do love them. I'm sorry." Sal looked up to see a tear rolling down Tommy's cheek.

"Wait, are you.. are you breaking up with me?!" Sal said incredulously.

"Im sorry, Sal. I can't do this anymore. And I'm not going to force you to come out, because that would be a really shitty thing to do. But that means my only option is to walk away. I've worked so hard over the last few years to become someone I'm proud of and I can't go back to hiding in the closet. I'm sorry. I just can't."

"Tommy, please, " Sal pleaded. He stepped closer to Tommy "I promise i-"

Tommy stepped back.

"No, Sal." His voice was low and shaky. He was using everything within him to hold back more tears that were desperate to fall. Sal held his gaze for a moment, hoping it would change. Eventually Tommy's eyes moved away. Sals heart broke. He wanted to say something. Anything. A thousand things to beg Tommy to not do this. But he couldn't. That fear of coming out was far too deep rooted. He simply turned and walked out of Tommy's house.

The next week at work was excruciating. Seeing Tommy everyday and not being able to talk to him or touch him was almost physically painful. Tommy had tried to speak to him, to make sure he was okay but he couldn't handle that. He snapped at him, sniped at him and was generally being a bastard. They'd had another new captain, Nash, and Sal was not making a good impression on him by behaving the way that he was. It all came to a head after a shift when Nash had reprimanded him for putting them in danger on a scene. Nash had fired him. He'd changed his mind the next day and instead chose to transfer him to the 122, but for a while Sal thought he whole world was falling apart.

5 years later, and his life was entirely different. His work and home life were exactly what he'd wanted them to be. With one exception. He was alone. He'd dated here or there over the years. Including men once he'd accepted that he did in fact like men, too. But it never worked out. They weren't Tommy. Losing him was the biggest regret of his life.

He and his team had gone out for drinks one evening at a random badge and ladders bar. He'd left the group the get another drink and stood at the bar. Movement in his peripheral vision made him look to the right and his heart almost stopped at the sight of the man standing at the bar.

"Tommy?"

"Sal." Tommy's faced crinkled with that big smile he always loved. He moved closer and immediately hugged him, slapping his back with a large hand. He still smelled the same, Sal thought. "It's good to see you."

"Yeah, you too."

"So how's things?" Tommy asked.

"Uh, good. I made Captain at the 122"

"Thats great. Congratulations!"

"Thanks. What about you? You still at the 118?"

"No, I transferred out. I'm at Harbour." He told him.

"You flying again? I know you always wanted to do that again since you left the army." Sal remembered the night they were lying in bed and Tommy had told him how much he had missed being in the air.

"Yeah. I definitely missed it."

"Well I'm glad you're happy there." Sal smiled.

"Hey, Howie and Hen are back there, why don't you come and say Hi." Tommy suggested. Sal contemplated it for a moment.

"That's alright, I'll leave you guys to it."

"No way. I know they'd love to see you. C'mon." He held Sals arm and pulled him through the crowd. The feel of Tommy's hand on his bare forearm felt exactly had it did 5 years before. He wanted that feeling tattooed permanently on his skin.

"Guys look who I found!" He called out as they approached the table.

"Deluca?" Hen questioned with a smile. "It's been a while." She stood to hug him.

"Yeah. How are you? How's Karen?" He asked.

"Good. We're both good."

"How's things at the 122?" Chim asked. Tommy grabbed Sals shoulder.

"Sal, here made Captain." Sal noticed an element of pride in Tommy's voice. He was still proud of him all these years later? A warmth filled his heart. He'd convinced himself that Tommy still hated him.

"Hey thats awesome, congrats." Chim exclaimed.

"Sorry about that." Buck walked up to them. "That was Maddie on the phone. She wants us to babysit Jee-yun on Saturday."

"Let me guess.. our neice wants us to take her to the zoo?" Tommy asked with a fond smile.

Our neice?

"Are you surpised?" Buck asked. "You can't say no to her. She's got her uncle Tommy wrapped around her little finger. She knows you'll give her anything she wants." He laughed.

"And I wouldn't have it any other way." He said. Buck smiled at him fondly and pressed a chaste kiss on Tommy's lips.

Sals heart broke all over again. He knew logically that Tommy had more than likely moved on. It had been 5 years. But there was a part of Sal that still held on to hope. That hope was now blown to smithereens in a painful blast to his heart.

"Oh, this is Sal. Old 118. Sal this is my boyfriend Evan." Buck reached out his hand to shake Sal's.

"Buck. Everyone calls me Buck."

"It's, uh.. Good to meet you." He scanned the man in front of him. He was taller than himself, and leaner though still muscular like him. He had dirty blonde hair also like him. Tommy definitely had a type.

"Im starving. We should order food." Buck told Tommy.

They sat back at the table as to scan the bar menu. Tommy arm was across Bucks shoulder as they pointed to things and discussed what they were going to order. There was a domesticity to their body language. An easy closeness. One that Sal had Tommy once had a long time ago. Tommy was happy. Anybody with eyes could see that.

The last little piece of hope hidden deep inside Sal's heart floated away.