#the rest of my zoloft is wearing off

[sqrzos]

Personally, my solution is to simultaneously embrace goth vibes AND slutty (/positive!!) vibes and wear mostly black clothing, but also relatively little clothing in general. I like to go for black crop tops, tiny lil black skirts or shorts combined with nice wide-patterened fishnets, and my cute black shoes. This wouldn't work for folks who like to cover up more than I do, unfortunately.

More widely applicable advice: if you have long hair, and ESPECIALLY if your hair is dark, wear it UP in a bun or ponytail or whatever when you're gonna be in direct sunlight. Imo, the itchiness of a sweaty scalp is NOTHING compared to the feeling of the back of your neck being absolutely ROASTED and all sticky with sweaty hair.

Also, a few safety tips, based on my experiences. Both of my meds [sertraline (aka Zoloft) and lisdexamphetamine (aka Vyvanse), for reference, but folks should also research their own to check] make me extra susceptible to sunburn, heat exhaustion, and heatstroke, so I have to be VERY careful with heat and sunlight. Even if you're not extra susceptible, tho, these are good protocols to follow.

ALWAYS apply sunscreen when you're gonna be in direct sunlight for extended periods of time. It does NOT matter what your skin colour is or whether "you don't burn, you tan," or whether you don't think sunscreen is "manly," anyone can get skin cancer. Even if you have sensory issues that make sunscreen absolutely repulsive to you, you've gotta find a workaround. If you hate the greasy feeling, try shopping around for different brands and versions—not all sunscreens are as oily as the cheaper drugstore ones. Pro tip—ones designed for people's faces especially tend to be soft and moisturizing rather than oily, and there's no law saying you can't just use them for your whole body.

ALWAYS bring water with you whenever you go out, even if it's just to run errands or whatever. If you have a car, keep water in it. If not, carry a bottle around in a bag or purse. Whenever you feel yourself sweating, you MUST replace that water. This goes doubly if, like me, you also tend to struggle with staying hydrated even when you're not sweating it all out. Salt may also need to be replenished, but make sure you're drinking extra water to go with it, because consuming salt tends to dry you out.

If your head starts hurting, you get irritable, you start feeling lightheaded or woozy, and/or you get nauseous or crampy, GO FIND SOMEWHERE TO COOL OFF AND REST, and HYDRATE. Ask someone (preferably, like, coworkers/your boss, shop workers, public transit employees, or other relatively safe people, not random people on the street) for water if you have to. If you can't find somewhere with air conditioning, find shade. If you're at home without air conditioning, run a cool bath or shower, and/or point a fan at yourself. It doesn't matter if you're supposed to be working or doing something, you HAVE TO stop exerting yourself until you've cooled off and rehydrated a bit. Your health is more important.

Note: if you or someone else aren't sweating despite being horribly overheated, start feeling confused and have trouble holding conversation (both understanding and speaking), start feeling like your/their tongue is swollen or dry, and or have a very fast, strong pulse, CALL YOUR COUNTRY'S EMERGENCY NUMBER. THAT COULD BE HEAT STROKE. I understand not wanting to "make a fuss" and feeling like it's "no big deal" but in this case, it is SO much better safe than sorry. While waiting for transportation/treatment, try your best to cool off as much as possible but do NOT drink/give them any fluids.

From one enjoyer of predominantly black wearage to another, any tips on how to keep cool in warm weather/direct sunlight please? sincerely, a sunlight/heat hater

honestly i just suck it up, apply liberal amounts of deoderant and cologne/lavender water perfume (depending on how hot it is and how much activity i plan on doing) and try to stick to shady spots as much as possible when i'm outside

[catsatopmydesk]

Just speedruned the entire rage of human emotions

[gayestnerdsinfiction]

bury your heart

cw: brain cancer and all its associated symptoms

read part two here

----

“Okay, here’s one,” Edward said. “When is a person like a piece of wood?”

“Hm,” Jonathan murmured absently, fingers running through Edward’s hair. He resisted the urge to make the first dirty joke that came to mind. “When they’re a ruler?”

“Good guess,” he murmured. He reached up to catch Jonathan’s long nose between his forefinger and thumb. “But, no. When they’re bored,” he revealed, grinning loosely.

Jonathan pulled away, swatting Edward’s hand out of his face. “Yes, Edward, I’m aware you’re bored. I’m not sure what you expect me to do about that.”

“Entertain me.”

“Entertain yourself,” he retorted. “Read a book.” Edward made a face at that, somewhere between annoyance and embarrassment. Realizing his mistake, Jonathan added, “Or listen to one of your stupid podcasts.”

“I keep telling you, the conspiracy theory podcast is not stupid and if you actually listened to it, you’d see that it’s very educational.”

“I’m beginning to understand why you flunked out of school if that’s what you consider educational,” Jonathan muttered. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out, a small reminder lighting up the screen. Meds. He disentangled his fingers from Edward’s hair and slid out of bed, making his way into the bathroom.

“I didn’t flunk out,” Edward called after him. “I dropped out. There’s a difference. They didn’t fire me, I quit.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes but he didn’t respond, instead choosing to focus on rummaging around in the medicine cabinet. He took out his own medications—Lexapro, Clozapine, Zoloft—and then Edward’s. Promethazine for the nausea, Lorazepam for the seizures, Tramadol and Hydrocodone for the pain. And those were just the morning set. Jonathan tucked his pills into his cheek, dipping his head under the faucet to gulp them down with a mouthful of water. Then he brought Edward’s medication into the bedroom for him.

It had been a few weeks of this routine. Bringing Edward his meds in the mornings, again in the evenings. Smoothing his hair away from his clammy face as he vomited, knuckles going white from gripping the edge of the toilet. Watching him struggle to remember things, complete simple tasks.

Jonathan had seen some pretty awful things in his life. Gruesome deaths and life threatening infections and overdoses and people clawing their own skin off during toxin induced hallucinations. He had seen all of those things and yet this was still hard to watch. Maybe harder than anything else. The only thing keeping him from spiraling entirely out of control were the few painkillers he was able to sneak from Edward’s prescription. It took the edge off, kept him from thinking too hard about the fact that his friend was slowly dying in his home, his bed.

“Here’s another,” Edward said, swallowing his pills dry. He was at least in good spirits today, chattering away almost like his usual self. “We’re five little items of an everyday sort; you’ll find us all in ‘a tennis court’.”

“Vowels. That’s an easy one.” Jonathan sat back down on the bed and Edward wasted no time before depositing his head in Jonathan’s lap.

“Well, excuse me for not being at the top of my game,” he replied sarcastically. “The cancer makes it hard to think, you know.”

He tried to muster some kind of joke in response but nothing came to mind. He didn’t mind when Edward made light of his own illness, but for Jonathan to do the same felt incredibly inappropriate. Because it wasn’t funny, not to him.

“Maybe we could go somewhere today,” Edward suggested hesitantly, interrupting Jonathan’s thoughts. “I’m tired of being cooped up in here.”

“Might I remind you that the reason you’ve been cooped up in here is because you’re too sick to stand half the time?”

“But I feel alright today,” he insisted. He sat up, getting out of bed with a labored groan to demonstrate. “See?” he said cheerfully, spreading his arms. The gesture just made it even more apparent how thin he’d gotten, how wobbly his stance was. “I’m standing. I might even take a few steps, really go for it, y’know?”

“I don’t know, you don’t want to go too crazy,” Jonathan said dryly. “You might hurt yourself.”

Edward crawled back onto the bed, kneeling beside Jonathan. The dark circles marring his pale, sallow skin were deep but his emerald eyes were bright, eager. “We could go play chess in the park,” he proposed. “That’d be alright, wouldn’t it? I could sit down, get some air. Get some sun, God, I could really use a bit of sun, look at the state of my skin.” He peered up at Jonathan. “What do you think?”

He nodded slowly. “Okay. Later, though. I have things that need doing before I can go out.”

Edward grinned, his upturned nose bumping against Jonathan’s cheek as his balance wavered slightly. Quickly, as if to cover the slip, he pressed a kiss to the same spot. “Can I sit with you while you work?” he asked.

Jonathan frowned. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. The chemicals—”

“I’ll wear a mask,” he interrupted. “Please?”

“Edward…” He sighed. “I don’t think huffing a bunch of toxic fumes is advisable if you want to still be feeling alright by the time we go out.”

Edward pouted, pulling away. “How about a riddle?” he asked, sounding thoroughly glum. He tucked his legs up against his chest. “When is a person like a piece of wood?”

Jonathan’s jaw tensed. “When they’re bored,” he answered, watching Edward’s reaction closely.

Edward just sighed, resting his head on one of his knees. “Gold star for Jonathan,” he said with a dejected twirl of his finger, unable to conceal the bitterness in his voice.

He swallowed. So Edward hadn’t realized. “You know you used that riddle before,” he said carefully.

His eyes darted over to Jonathan. “Really? When?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

“Oh.” The silence between them was thick, heavy. “So you cheated,” Edward joked humorlessly.

“I guess I did.” Jonathan draped a long arm across Edward’s narrow shoulders. “Maybe I can… I suppose there are things I can work on outside of the lab. If you insist on having my company for the day.”

“I don’t want to trouble you,” he mumbled.

“It’s no trouble.” He gave Edward’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “It’s easier to let you watch me work than to come up with some other way to occupy your attention.”

He felt Edward smiling as he nuzzled against Jonathan’s neck. “I do require constant enrichment, after all.”

“Yes,” he murmured, “like a zoo animal.”

The comment earned him a swift smack on the leg from Edward. “Bastard,” he grumbled. “I have a terminal illness and this is how you talk to me? How would you feel if those were your last words to me, would you be satisfied with that?”

A lump rose in Jonathan’s throat. “No, I wouldn’t,” he said tightly. “And that’s not funny.”

“I think it is.”

He shot Edward an icy look. “I don’t.”

Edward balked, lowering his gaze as he relaxed against Jonathan’s chest. “Got to have fun somehow,” he muttered.

“Well I’m sorry it’s not fun for me to be reminded of your impending death,” Jonathan said tersely. “I suppose that is where our senses of humor differ.” He felt a flutter of something unpleasant in his chest and he forced it back down, forced his attention away from it. Jonathan started to get up from the bed, started to go to the bathroom to snag a couple painkillers. But before he could even make it off the mattress Edward’s fist had closed around the hem of his shirt and he was pulling Jonathan back towards him.

“Don’t go,” he pleaded. “Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I’m not,” he repeated. “I’m…” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence. He was frustrated with Edward for being so glib about his own mortality and he was disappointed in himself for not being able to do more and he was downright terrified of what would happen when Edward was actually, permanently dead. “I’m worried,” he finished lamely.

Edward’s grip tightened around his shirt. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

Jonathan pried Edward’s fist away from the handful of fabric, lacing their fingers together. “I don’t know how to stop.”

[bluegarners]

“Dick has an overdose at a gala, hurt/comfort” ~ anon

~oOo~

He forgot to take his meds this morning.

Dick blows out a frustrated breath because that means he’s going to have to rearrange his entire cycle in order to not double dose. He always takes Zoloft in the morning with his breakfast and protein shake, and then the rest of the day goes smoothly and he can go to bed without the lingering worry of whether or not he remembered to do something. It’s an ingrained part of his routine and Dick is kicking himself for having forgotten to do it today.

The little yellow-tinted pill in his hand mocks him of his absent mindedness. The entire day had thrown him off of his usual planning, the not so gentle reminder of tonight’s charity gala for leukemia causing him to flit about in an attempt at getting his very much not used suit dry cleaned for the evening. Alfred would probably feel the need to strangle his first grandchild if Dick showed up with a wrinkled suit smelling of dust and disuse. 

That wrench thrown into his day leads him to where he is now, staring down the pill in his hand and holding a glass of water in the other. He could always take his meds tomorrow so his routine wouldn’t be thrown off so drastically, but even the thought of doing so makes his hands feel clammy for skipping an entire day. He promised his psychiatrist he was going to take these things more seriously and he wanted to at least start that off by regularly taking his prescription. It had been working, so far, and Dick really didn’t want to fall into the bad habit of “skip-days”, so with one fluid motion, he was swallowing the pill and gulping down water.

Tonight was going to be fun at least. Even with his flighty day and the hassle it was doing things he should’ve done the previous week, Dick was excited to go to a gala for once. It was one of the rare occasions where Bruce had managed to convince all of his wayward children to go, and it had been far too long since Dick had spent some time with all of his siblings. He saw Damian at least once a week, Tim as well, but Jason had been a struggle to get a hold of and Cass and Duke were always busy with their own responsibilities. Not that Dick wasn’t busy as well, but in his book, there was always time for family. 

Dick walks out of the bathroom, feeling slightly more pleased with himself for following through with his promise, and quickly walks to the garage where most of the family had already gathered. Had it not been for the fact that Cass and Duke happened to be staying at the Manor that week, Dick would have driven by himself to the banquet hall, but as it were, he was going to make every effort possible to squeeze in as much time as he could to be with his brothers and sister.

A slight problem arose though, as fitting eight total people into one car, driver included, was a tight fit. However, living with a billionaire had numerous perks, one of which being that they could choose from a variety of overly expensive cars and limousines and tonight, Alfred had chosen a classy black limo with leather seats and a cooler filled with bite-size cucumber sandwiches and bottled waters because, “In all of the many years of hosting galas, the Bestout family has yet to figure out how to properly serve a banquet.” 

Slipping into the passenger seats, Dick was slightly giddy at the sight of both Damian and Duke already munching on a few of the snacks Alfred had prepared, Tim typing away on his phone and Cass curiously peering over his shoulder. They all looked dashing in their respective suits, and Dick reached out to lightly pat the head of the youngest, careful as to not disturb the neatly gelled locks of hair. 

“Richard,” Damian acknowledges, a stray piece of bread clinging firmly to the side of his mouth. Adorable. “Where is Todd and Father?”

Before Dick has a chance to reply, Bruce and Jason step into the garage, Bruce’s hand latched firmly onto the third oldest’s shoulder. Dick can hardly hide his grin as Jason huffily plops down into the seat next to him, obviously still miffed at being forced to go to the gala. Bruce follows shortly after, taking his place besides Cass and in front of Dick, reaching into the cooler as well to retrieve a sandwich.

“Shall we proceed, sir?” Alfred calls from the front, the small window dividing the driver from the passengers a perfect view of the butler’s unimpressed eyebrows. “Or should we wait until the gala has ended to arrive?”

“Yes please. Sorry, Alfred.”

With that, they roll out of the Wayne Manor grounds and begin the short drive to the Bestout Charity Auction. Dick, personally, had no money to bid with and no intention to do so at all, but Bruce’s pockets went deep and they had already planned on what pieces to bid on and who to out-bid. Tim had made the bet that their “rivals” would attempt to out-bid the Waynes this year, and Tim was nothing but prideful on keeping the Wayne name free of that sort of blasphemy. He had done the math, was probably reviewing it on his phone at the moment, and had estimated that they could easily bid away about seven million dollars on a singular piece tonight if things went according to plan. 

Money. Old money at that. 

He feels a small tap on his shin then, and looks over to where Cass is gazing at him. She quirks her eyebrow, holding out her right palm and twisting her left middle finger against it. He nods, giving her two thumbs up and saying, “I remembered, don’t worry.”

She smiles, satisfied, before going back over to whatever Tim was doing on his phone. The rest of the ride is mostly silent, Dick basking in the presence of his family, until they finally pull up to the entrance. They are precisely thirty minutes late, fashionably so, and Jason is the first one to exit, followed then by Bruce, Cass, Tim, Duke, Damian, and lastly Dick. 

Immediately, they are met with the flashing of numerous cameras, a couple shouting out questions or beckoning them to look their way for a good shot. Bruce indulges in a few of the requests, stopping for a few seconds, before hurrying up the steps, his many children following just as quickly behind. Entering, they are greeted with a high vaulted ceiling with a singular ornate chandelier hanging down as the centerpiece and a few other light fixtures to highlight the entrance. 

Despite the initial grandeur, the charity gala is relaxed. Formal casual wear was allowed and encouraged upon, which basically meant one didn’t need to come dressed like they were meeting the Queen of England and could come in simple slacks and dress shirt, and for this reason and this reason alone is how Bruce managed to convince six of his children to attend. No one liked galas. Well, no one except Duke who was highly fascinated with how the rich and prim lived compared to the grittiness of Wayne Manor. 

As Alfred had lamented about, the Wayne family was late, perhaps an hour or so from the initial invitation arrival time, and all eyes were on them as they entered the banquet hall. Cocktail hour had just begun, and it was a matter of moments before a chorus of simpering, “Brucie! Over here!” began and Jason and Duke disappeared to look for the bar. Tim meandered off to find a few familiar faces, and Dick, Damian, and Cass were left standing near the entrance.

For a second, Dick regrets his decision not to force himself to eat one of the cucumber sandwiches Alfred had prepared as his stomach rolled around unpleasantly. His medication didn’t require a meal to be eaten with it, but again, he had been thrown off his normal routine and that usually included some food. 

He feels a nudge into his side and glances over to where Cass is smirking at him.

“I know, I know,” Dick groans, slumping slightly. “Alfred warned us, but you know I don’t like cucumbers. I’m just- yeah, I’m just going to go find something that doesn’t look like old cheese. Either of you coming with me?”

He extends a hand pleasantly, bowing over and winking at both of his youngest brother and sister.

“Unlike you,” Damian drawls, absently checking his fingernails, “I took sound advice when it was given.” He glances upwards, eyes narrowing as he finds his target. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, it would appear that Father is in need of assistance.”

Dick watches the youngest Wayne march astutely towards a struggling Bruce Wayne, broadcasting a small amount of distress as yet another slightly drunk (already?) woman leers at him through false lashes. 

“Cass?” Dick asks hopefully, turning back towards her. “My most wonderful and elegant sister, will you come with me?” In truth, Dick was the tiniest bit hesitant to go over to the buffet style table by himself, no doubt going to be swarmed by the Gotham elite youth once he was alone and miserable once he took in the shallow presentation of foods.

But his dear sister is nothing but sweet and ruthless, smiling prettily at him before walking off in the other direction, most likely to find Jason and Duke at the bar. Cass didn’t like alcohol, but she knew how to order a Shirley Temple all the same.

With a sigh, Dick begins the trudge over to the long horderves table, snagging a flute of strong smelling champagne on the way. He didn’t really like champagne truthfully, more of a white wine kind of guy himself, but it gave off the impression that he was relaxed and confident even if he was mentally preparing himself for food disappointment. He’s right, well, Alfred is right, as his gaze travels mournfully over the plain and overly dressed finger foods. Was it really just that impossible to serve a nice plate of cheese and crackers with some fruit? What in the world was foie gras entier anyway?

A hand slides smoothly over his shoulder as Dick contemplates if the horderve is an organ or not, and he steadily turns his head to meet artfully decorated brown eyes.

“Well if it isn’t the elusive Richard Grayson,” the woman says, letting her hand fall from his shoulder to his elbow. “It’s been a while since I saw you at one of these.”

Another hand brushes against his shoulder, and he turns his head the other way to meet the eyes of the exact same woman on his other arm.

“Tristy is right,” the other, same?, woman coos. “It’s been too long, Richard. Tell me, where have you been? You haven’t been avoiding us, right?”

It finally clicks into place as Dick looks back and forth between the identical women. The Thoreau sisters. Identical twins. Heiresses to the Thoreau Parts manufacturing company. Their entire net worth was close to five hundred million and the sisters were notorious, perhaps even more so than “Brucie Wanye”, for bringing home exploits and one night stands.

“Good evening ladies,” Dick says simply, dialing back the charm he usually reserved for the elderly elite of Gotham. “It’s been awhile since I last came to one of these auctions, but tonight is for a good cause. Of course I would come.”

The two sisters titter lightly, hands flying up to cover their arched grins. “Oh yes,” maybe Tristy says. “The auction is surely going to be a smashing success. At least with a man like your father bidding tonight, and that man is nothing but generous.”

The sudden innuendos leave Dick feeling slightly off footed. It truly has been too long since he attended one of these galas, and he’s out of practice at maneuvering around seduction attempts such as these.

“Oh hush,” the other sister snaps, tapping Dick’s bicep twice to get his attention back to her. “Do you plan on bidding at all?” she asks charmingly. “My sister and I have our eyes on a sculpture by Vasconcelos and it would break our hearts if your father also had plans to bid for it.”

Dick shakes his head, bringing his flute of champagne upwards to take a sip. He decides he does not like the taste of carbonation. “No, I can’t say I have plans to bid on any one particular item tonight. However, I can promise you that Bruce has no plans to bid on any sculptures, so you will find no grievances with him I hope.”

“How gracious,” possibly Tristy practically moans, leaning into Dick’s side. “You know,” she whispers, eyes flicking back and forth in mirth, “If you’re not planning on bidding at all, there’s a private study somewhere. Once the bidding begins, we can just,” she leans in closer, practically licking Dick’s ear, “get out of here.”

A cold feeling begins to settle in Dick’s gut, his composure quickly melting away as he struggles to keep on a pleasant smile. Has it always been like this? When was the last time he actually attended a gala? He can’t remember being harassed like this, much less so soon. They just arrived and already someone’s trying to take him to bed. Is that all he looks good for? Why is it so hard to just have a normal conversation? This is supposed to be a family day, and yet here he is, separating himself from them all because he can’t control his cravings and really this harassment should’ve been expected because Gotham didn’t call Richard Grayson Bruce’s imprint because he had to get the “playboy” tendencies from somewhere if not genetics, so really he’s fine and just making a big deal out of nothing.

This was normal. Right.

Lost in his head, Dick realizes too late that it’s been far too long since he’s said something aloud. Tristy, or whoever it is that’s to his right, is frowning at him, a mean looking sneer adorning red lips. The other sister, he just doesn’t know her, is looking at him with something akin to disgust as well though slightly better hidden.

He clears his throat. Clears it again. His throat feels funny. “Look, ladies,” Dick says, “I’m flattered, I really am, but I’m not looking for anything right now. I’m sure you’re both lovely, but I think I’m going to… yeah, I’m just going to go find Bruce. You know how he gets when he’s had more than a couple glasses,” he tries to chuckle, tapering off when neither of the women join in. “Have a good evening.”

Extracting himself from their manicured hands is more difficult than he thought it would be, their insistence at keeping him cornered to the table making him more nervous. The ice in his stomach pinches unpleasantly, and Dick finishes off the champagne to place the little flute on a passing waiter’s stand. 

The lingering stench of overpriced perfume has him feeling nauseous, and Dick looks around for one of his family members. He spots Jason and Duke still at the bar, seemingly content at just sipping and observing, and Dick makes the move to walk towards them when the room tilts slightly. He stumbles, hardly even that, and rights himself in less than a second. He looks down, frowning when he sees nothing that might’ve tripped him up. 

“Richard,” a voice calls out, and Dick turns to see Damian making his way towards him, Bruce trailing slightly behind. 

“Hey, Dami!” Dick gushes, his unease melting away at the familiar faces. “Meet anyone interesting yet?”

The boy huffs, crossing his arms. “If by interesting you mean intelligent, then no. Not a single person here is capable of holding a conversation before spouting some nonsense. It should be considered cruel.”

“I hear you there,” Dick sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. Is it just him, or is the banquet hall extremely bright? The Bestout’s should consider investing less in chandeliers and more in good food. “Did any of the art pieces catch your interest?”

Another huff. “No,” Damian replies. “Modern art holds no value. I find nothing special about three dots in the center of a large canvas. If anything, it is a waste of material.”

“Bruce?” Dick asks. “What about you? I just ran into the Thoreau sisters; they said they were going to bid on that, uh, what was their name again… the Vasconcelos sculpture.”

Bruce grimaces at the company name, looking more closely at Dick. “No, nothing was to my taste. Alfred has asked me to bid on a tea set supposedly owned by Queen Anne. It is��� vintage?”

Dick nods, willing himself not to laugh at Bruce’s idea of something vintage. “Nice. I’m sure Alfred will be excited to add it to his collection. Have, uh, any of you guys seen Tim or Cass at all?”

“Cain left,” Damian says simply. “Brown invaded the gala about ten minutes ago and coerced her into ditching. Drake is most likely stuffing himself into a corner.”

“Oh.”

A waiter walks by just then and Dick snags another champagne glass. He takes two sips, feeling some of his anxiety from earlier rise up again. Tonight was supposed to be a family night, or at least one as close to it as it could get, and already Cass had left? He doesn’t blame her for wanting to be with Steph, he remembers how infatuated he was in his first relationship, but he already felt the tell-tale tug in his heart that told him he was lonely. 

“I’m going to go find Tim,” he announces, patting the top of Damian’s head and giving a squeeze to Bruce’s left shoulder. “Have fun you two.”

They wave him off with little else, and Dick looks around the hall for the middle child. As his gaze travels from table to table, he can’t help but feel as if all eyes are on him, catching his gaze with each flicker. Taking deep breaths, Dick takes another sip, meandering slowly around the perimeters of the already established social groups. He catches bits and pieces of conversations, most if not all having nothing to do with tonight’s auction, and Dick begins to tap his fingers restlessly against his outer thigh. Why does he feel so anxious?

Someone bumps into him rather rudely, causing Dick to stumble again, but when he turns around to semi-glare, there is no one around him. The lights in the hall are blinding and Dick can feel a headache begin to form at the front of his skull. His breaths are suddenly very loud and Dick becomes all too aware of just how many people there are. At least two hundred and all of them seemed to be staring at Dick.

Someone else brushes up behind him, and Dick quickly turns around to confront them, because come on, that’s not a nice thing to do. There is no one there though. No one was even near enough to touch him and Dick feels sweat begin to trickle down the back of his suit.

What was he doing again? Right, right, searching for Tim. Tim was always calm, he’s sure he’s got to be around here somewhere.

“Richard,” a voice sing-songs to him. “Oh, Kathy, he’s right over here. My, my, thought you could give us the slip, hm?”

His grip on the glass of champagne tightens slightly as one of the Thoreau sisters slithers her way in front of him. He didn’t want to talk to them. He wasn’t feeling well. They didn’t make him feel comfortable and Dick really needed to find Tim. 

“You don’t look so good, Richy,” Tristy, Kathy, whoever, whispered. “Are you feeling alright? Had one too many to drink it looks like.”

The other sister laughs. “We only left you for twenty minutes. Missed us that terribly? How sweet.”

One of them grips his bicep again. Turns his chin so he’s facing her head on. The other one falls out of his line of sight. He thinks he’s seeing triple though because the twin in front of him is slowly separating into two, faces flickering back and forth and failing to align with the center.

“Maybe he’s tired,” she says, voice distorted and far away. “Finish that off and we’ll all go find somewhere to lay down, hm? Somewhere… private.”

The flute of alcohol is pressed gently into his lips and Dick automatically begins to drink from it, the liquid sliding down easily. It leaves a sour taste on his tongue, and huh, that’s weird. It didn’t taste like that before. He really does hate the taste of carbonation. 

Hands on either side of him push him forward, his feet dragging and shoes all of a sudden much too big for his feet. The glass is taken from his trembling grip, a whisper of “Wouldn’t want you to drop that,” letting his decisions elude him. The smell of sharp chemicals assault his nose and Dick feels his stomach roll. He thinks he might vomit.

Even though he keeps his face to the floor, the bodies beside him guiding the way, Dick can feel the stares, the eyes, that bore into him. The pressure leaves his chest heavy, feeling as though he’s slowly sinking into the red carpet below. The red shifts and melts like wax beneath his polished shoes, pooling and coiling around his shoelaces and reaching towards his ankles.

It smells like blood.

The red turns into a dark gray suddenly, fuzz turning into slick tile and the hands that gripped onto his biceps earlier now trail towards the hemline of his pants. He jerks, neck craning upwards and hands fumbling to push the invasion away. He’s simply shushed though, hands restraining his own and Dick feels like he’s been shot when he realizes he can’t get his legs to move properly.

He’s shoved towards an open door way, tripping and falling over himself as any semblance of coordination leaves him. It’s brighter in this room but everything keeps swirling together. Vertigo slowly weaves its way around his head and soon, there is no difference from up and down, left and right, sister and sister.

Nails dig into the sides of his cheeks in a harsh and fervent grip, and Dick feels like throwing up when he sees nothing but the swirling vortex of a flesh colored void. It spins faster and faster and Dick has to look away, but the sight of himself in a mirror is no better because that has to be him that’s standing there pressed into a stone counter but at the same time it can’t because he left that all behind.

He left Spyral behind. He escaped. He was home. They couldn’t control him anymore and yet- and yet.

Another blank flesh void stares back at his turned head. No visible features to recognize himself by. A smooth canvas that twists and churns and leaves him faceless. He is nothing once more. 

Something breaks inside of him and Dick feels a sob erupt from out of his chest. He’s just so confused and scared and lost and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He doesn’t want to go back to Spyral. His mission was completed, he had done everything Bruce asked of him and even after enduring throughout all of that, Dick feels that desperate yearning for his father.

He wants Bruce. He’s so scared. His head hurts. He can’t feel his legs anymore. Everything keeps colliding into everything and he can’t even recognize his own cries because even that sounds like it’s a lifetime away, all the way back in Gotham, but instead he’s stuck here and he doesn’t even know where here is anymore because Agent 37 isn’t allowed to ask questions, that’s not his place, that’s not his place, he’s not allowed-

“Wow,” a voice breathes into his ear, “you’re even pretty when you cry.”

And Dick doesn’t really know when it started raining, but his face is wet and the person is right, he is crying and it’s raining so hard and he doesn’t completely understand why or how but he does know he doesn’t like the hands that keep fumbling with his belt. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want her. He should say something. He should say something, but his mouth won’t move and he just lays there and takes it because that’s all he’s good for right? That’s why Barbara didn’t want to see him anymore because he’s just an awful person that just takes it and please, please, please stop. 

“Are you afraid of spiders, Richard?”

Of course he’s afraid. He’s terrified. He’s even more afraid of the dark and the dark contains many, many scary things. Things like a calloused hand reaching out to smother him, to choke him, to kill him. Things like a bright red pill shoved into his mouth, things like a bomb attached to his heart, things like the heat of the metal on his back as the chaos consumed him, destined to watch, destined to die, destined to be smothered over and over again. Bright red pill. Rough hands. Bright red lips. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe.

Dick vomits.

~oOo~

“Mister Wayne?”

Bruce looks up from his phone, a smartly dressed waitress staring at him. “Yes?”

She holds out a folded napkin to him and Bruce takes it from her hesitantly. He stares at it before glancing back up. “I don’t understand.”

The woman gives him a half-hearted shrug. “I was only told to give it to you, sir. I don’t know what it is. Excuse me.”

With that, the waitress turns back around into the throng of people that wave her over for drinks. Bruce looks down at the napkin, putting away his phone quickly as he unfolds it. It’s a note, hastily written in smudged black, similar to a crayon. Perhaps some sort of makeup applicator. Bruce doesn’t give it much thought though as he reads,

Find your son.

And isn’t that a great way to get his heart to stop? His first instinct is to look wildly about and start dashing around in search of his, holy shit, five sons he brought along to the gala. Bruce stops though, forces himself to take three deep breaths and count to five, before calmly beginning to make his way to the entrance of the banquet hall. It was easier to see everyone from that position and it was crowded enough so that he wouldn’t immediately be singled out once again.

As he walks, he stares at the napkin note, trying to decipher who exactly sent it. It was a woman’s hand writing, he’s sure of it, but the intentions behind it could be anything. Ransom? A threat? A simple warning that one of his sons was much too drunk to care about public decency? Either way, being passed an anonymous note wasn’t good and Bruce felt his gut clench in apprehension. He tries to think of everything that’s happened throughout the night so far.

Damian had remained mostly by his side, a good defense to have on hand whenever one of the socialites got a bit too grabby. Jason and Duke had remained a pair by the bar from what he'd heard, challenging other young adults into dart games and shot pyramids. Tim had steadily been making his way through old friends, chatting with a few and periodically texting Bruce to ask what the bidding was at. 

(Alfred will be happy to know that he now had one more tea set to add to his collection)

And Dick… well, Bruce honestly hadn’t been keeping secure tabs on him. He’s trying to be a better father to adult Dick Grayson. Privacy and space had been something Dick had last emphasized on, the “mother-henning” as Dick liked to call it, overbearing and un-welcomed. When his eldest had mentioned his run in with the Thoreau sisters, Bruce had been concerned and looked for signs that his son was uncomfortable or something worse. As usual though, Dick had merely grinned and carried on like it was nothing and perhaps that was all it had been at the time but now with this note, this damn napkin note in his hands, Bruce could feel the suspicion slide into him like water.

“Father?”

A hand tugs on his right sleeve and Bruce finds himself sighing in relief as his youngest appears in front of him. Scrutinizing his son, Bruce finds nothing obviously wrong with him, hair still perfectly in place and a permanent frown etched upon his brow. His suit is still stain, spill, and wrinkle free and Bruce clasps a heavy hand onto Damian’s shoulder.

“Are you alright?” he asks, keeping eye contact.

“Of course,” is Damian’s curt reply. “What happened?”

Wordlessly, Bruce hands over the napkin to him, watching as his son’s frown deepens. “I shall gather Todd and Thomas. I will return shortly.”

Damian’s small figure disappears into the crowd easily, leaving Bruce standing by himself at the front of the hall. Pulling out his phone again, he quickly types out, Come to the front of the hall. Urgent, and sends it to Tim. He types out the same message and sends it to Dick as well and contends himself for the wait by tapping his foot against the red carpet.

A minute barely passes before he spots Jason’s broad figure moving through the crowd, and the tension in his gut only increases as he counts the heads moving towards him. One, two, three, four…

“What’s going on?” Duke asks as the four boys gather closely. “Are we, uh, needed?”

Bruce shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. Damian showed you the note?”

“What note?” Tim demands. “Bruce, what’s going on? Is something- oh,” he trails off, hand coming up to rub at his mouth as he reads the scribbled napkin. Tim turns his gaze to begin counting, and the same realization dawns upon him as he finally looks at Bruce’s grim face. “Where’s Dick?”

“I’ll call him,” Jason is quick to offer, pulling out his cellphone. He dials and holds it to his ear as the rest of the family watches. “Voicemail,” he grimaces, staring down at the device as if it had personally offended him. 

“We’ll split up. Jason, you’re with me. Duke, Tim, Damian, you three will go towards the east end, Jason and I will take west. Keep your phones on,” Bruce orders, checking his own ringer as he does so. “Ask around to see if anyone has seen Dick. We don’t know what we’re dealing with yet, so remain cautious. Understood?”

A chorus of “yes” is the motivator for the split and like liquid, they flow back into the crowd seamlessly.

~oOo~

He’s alone. 

Or, Dick thinks he is. Well, now that he’s thought about it, Agent 37 is never alone. There’s always someone there, watching him, waiting for him to fail. But Nightwing works alone in Bludhaven. He’s discovered that he doesn’t like team ups much. Partnerships always end in the rain and he doesn’t like the rain. He doesn’t mind it so much when Batman’s cape is shielding his face but the rain is still pelting his cheeks and it smells like acid.

It smells like acid and metal. It sounds like endless whirring too, constant noise when all he wants right now is quiet. He wants to reach out and smother whatever it is that’s making the noise but his limbs are gone, he can’t move, he’s been restrained once again and that damn red pill, or maybe it’s tinted yellow this time, he can’t be sure, there are just so many pills, so many pills, it’s all keeping him down and dead.

He feels his stomach convulsing again and he gags, unsure if anything actually comes out. There’s red on the floor, it always comes back to red, why red, and it gathers around in his vision, slick along the white void below him. A part of Dick is glad he can’t move because he fears that if he were to even breathe, the void below would capture him and turn him white and twist his nothingness into something even less than all of it. 

His lungs stutter and his eyes roll back into his head for a moment. For a brief second, he is gone in the bliss of blackness. It’s not for long though because the need to cough erupts out of him and he has to open his eyes and see what plague is clawing its way from his mouth. His jerking disturbs the void and Dick can feel the blood in his veins freeze because he’s not supposed to move. He’s not supposed to make a single sound or else it would get him but he’s just so dumb, he’s just so incompetent, and now the void knows he’s here, now the void is going to get him and he’s so scared.

He blinks four times. He counts in his head. Two, five, one, two. Dick doesn’t think that’s right. He isn’t sure.

The void is angry though. He can tell in the way the ground shakes and the colors scream at him. He wants to move away and cover his ears but his arms don’t exist anymore, how could he forget, how could he forget, and he feels his eyes burning like he’s on fire and his brain is also screaming at him now and there are hands on his shoulders and no, no, stop, please stop, he doesn’t want this, he never wanted any of this. He’s sorry. He’s sorry. 

The void grasps him and pulls at him and Dick’s eyes are wide open and he wants to scream at the void’s face because he doesn’t know who they are, he doesn’t know where he is, and there’s no comfort in the cold, there’s no love or warmth in it’s embrace and he’s so tired and his chest hurts and he’s having trouble actually seeing anything now because he’s just scared of the dark and everything is getting quieter and doesn’t anyone have a nightlight he can use so he can fall asleep a little less scared?

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Bruce doesn’t know what exactly he was expecting when that waitress handed him a napkin. He doesn’t really know what he wanted to happen when he asked his children to split up and search for the lost one. Of course, the goal was to find the eldest, find Dick Grayson safe and sound and just doing something silly like back flips off a stairwell so Bruce could come and save him from embarrassing himself further. Okay, yes, Bruce knows exactly what he wanted to happen.

But this wasn’t it. 

It wasn’t Mister Dower slyly implying that Bruce’s eldest son was a clone of “Brucie Wayne’s” habits. It wasn’t the news that the Thoreau sisters had left in a hurry. It wasn’t a bellboy directing him to a private room that had been left ajar. And it wasn’t walking into a pitch black study only to hear wet retching and rattling from the adjoining bathroom.

He’s bursting through the door before he’s had the time to process it all and he feels as if all the wind in his lungs have been knocked out because there he is. Here is Dick Grayson, his son, his eldest, convulsing, bleeding, vomiting, shaking, dying, alone.

It’s second nature, done without a thought, and Bruce is kneeling down, stripping himself of his jacket and folding it, taking Dick by the shoulders and turning him on his side and placing the folded jacket beneath his head. Dick’s eyes are rolling, unseeing, and his face twitches and jerks and it’s terrifying, and Bruce looks away to stare at his watch and counts and counts and counts.

It’s scarcely thirty seconds before the jerking stops and Dick goes stiff, like every single muscle in his body is clenched in anticipation. 

“Bruce,” Jason begins, and he sounds unsure and out of place and Bruce curses at himself for having momentarily forgotten about him, “Holy shit.”

Bruce says nothing and continues to stare at his watch because he knows the seizure isn’t over, he prays it is but he knows it’s not, and Dick begins to convulse again and Bruce’s heart is beating so fast he isn’t sure if he can feel it anymore.

“The others are on their way,” Jason speaks up again. “I’m calling 911. What should I tell them?”

And usually Bruce is faster than this, better at processing, but it’s all so sudden and this is his son that’s laying in front of him, shaking and heaving in front of him, that it takes him a few seconds to come up with an answer. “Tell them,” he tries, mouth dry and god how much longer is this going to last? “Tell them that we need police and an ambulance for,” Bruce clears his throat; two minutes now, five becomes dangerous, “A possible assault and drug overdose.”

There’s lipstick smeared on Dick’s collar, his tie is undone, his belt buckle unclasped, pink indents on the sides of his jaw, lips tinted blue, and a mess of vomit splattered down his shirt. It smells sour and pungent and it’s the color of old brandy. Blood weeps from Dick’s hairline and Bruce startles himself with the thought that, had it not been for the note, Dick could’ve died and no one would have known. 

No one would have known.

Finally the seizure stops and Bruce can feel his fingers trembling as he cradles his son’s head to fully rest against the tile flooring. Three minutes and fifteen seconds. Too close. Too close.

“Move! I demand to see Richard!”

“You can’t, not right now. Bruce is helping him but you have to stay out here.”

“Jason, what the hell happened to Dick?”

“Bruce thinks he got roofied. Whatever was given to him was too much.”

“Did… did anything happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“Todd, I swear to you, if you do not move this instant-”

Bruce can’t focus on their conversation anymore, too entranced by the way his son breathes. They’re short, shallow gasps, like he’s panting through a straw, and Bruce reaches out a hand to rub his eldest’s upper back. He doesn’t move from his position, kneeled firmly as if in prayer, and maybe it is like a prayer because he needs a miracle right now. Bruce needs some guidance, some reassurance, and he hasn’t prayed since his parents died, but a little part of him is sighing and repeating those long forgotten words over and over again.

Abraham, Issac, and Jacob; Sarah, Rebekkah, Leah, and Rachel.

Dick does not stir from where he lays, eyes flickering behind closed lids. Bruce thinks he’s conscious, the flighty rhythm of his heart giving his blankness away, but the stillness in which his son lays allows a vine of terror to eclipse around his heart.

Grant him a r’fu-ah sh’lei-mah, a complete recovery.

His mother used to whisper prayers into his ear when he was younger and sick, fever-ridden constantly and just so tired. She would sit by his bedside, hold his hand, and pray for him in the silence of his room. Bruce was too young to understand what it meant. Too young to really grasp the concept of salvation, of hope found in religion. Now that he’s gone so long without it, Bruce thinks he still doesn’t grasp its weight, but the familiar words roll around in his head and leave the tightness in his chest with company. 

But the comfort is like a blanket draped over your head when you were a child, on some level convinced it could protect you from the monsters in your closet and the kidnappers that surely tap on your window. The monsters are real though, the kidnappers are grabbing at your feet, and Bruce can feel his heart pounding away with the realization that he truly could have lost Dick. That Bruce had been in the exact same room, in the same vicinity as his eldest when he was drugged. When he was… assaulted. Possibly. Maybe. Bruce clings to those uncertainties. 

And he’s got ideas. Theories. Conclusions. A list of suspects. 

With those, Bruce also has punishments in mind. Vengeance. Retribution. But the situation at hand is more pressing than the thoughts that bang against his skull.

Dick’s eyes fly open, a cough that sounds more like a gag jerking his body. His arms stagger against his sides, feet kicking out with the force of his hacking, and Bruce merely lets his hands hover. He wants to touch him, to ground Dick, but the hesitation in his actions leave him barren of any sort of presence. Dick keeps coughing, getting louder and more forceful with each measly breath he manages to suck in, and his lips are beginning to turn blue and his face a bright red and Bruce doesn’t know what to do right now, doesn’t know how to help because he’s so afraid to touch him, to help him, when all he’s done tonight is ignore him and let this whole thing happen because he’s a horrible father-

“Richard, stop it!”

And then Damian is falling to his knees beside Dick’s heaving body, also fumbling for an answer and scared and all the things Bruce feels right now.

“Stop it, Richard! Stop it right now!” Damian demands, but his orders fall on deaf ears because Dick won’t stop coughing and gasping and shaking and he’s not having another seizure but that’s what it looks like and then finally, Bruce reaches out a hand and holds his eldest still, willing for something, anything, to happen to get Dick to stop.

“Son,” he implores, practically begging, “Dick, you need to calm down, okay? I know you’re scared and confused right now, but everything is going to be fine. You’re going to be fine. Take a deep breath, Dick. Breathe.”

Finally, something seems to register for Dick because he’s craning his neck around, eyes wide and searching even as he continues to retch out his lungs. Bright blue eyes, beautiful and robin egg blue, catch Damian’s and Bruce can see recognition light up onto his face. The relief that Bruce had felt blossoming in his chest at the sight is quickly smothered when tears gather in Dick’s eyes, a weak sob wrenching its way in between coughs.

“Sorry, sorry,” Dick moans, delirious and broken. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“Richard, breathe,” is all Damian says, reaching out to grab at one of Dick’s flailing hands. “Please.”

Bruce doesn’t know if Dick actually understood what Damian was saying, or if he even recognized any one of his brothers that stood around him, but one moment, Dick is retching up a lung, and the next, he’s silent and holding his breath. The coughing stops but Dick is going slightly purple in the face and before Bruce, Damian, anyone can do anything to get him to open his mouth again, Dick’s eyes roll up into the back of his head and he drifts.

His head thuds softly onto the white tile just as the paramedics arrive and Bruce thinks he might need an ambulance too with how quickly his heart beats and how hot the blood in his veins feel.

The rest is a blur.

~oOo~

Many things happen in the few hours that follow. 

Dick is promptly swept away on a stretcher, paramedics checking pulse count, setting up an IV, and other things that anyone hardly has the mind to pay attention to. By then, the entire banquet knew something was wrong, along with a few reporters that whipped out their cameras and began snapping pictures in earnest. 

In a move that is sure to get him on the front pages, Bruce snarls at a few of the reporters, threatening them in mannerisms that suggested he might just break their obnoxious cameras. Jason follows a similar pattern, actually reaching over and knocking away one of the invasive reporters when they got too close to the ambulance, and the youngest is not far off in doing the same before he is ushered away and into a waiting private car that would escort them to the hospital Dick was being taken to.

Only Bruce had been allowed to ride in the ambulance on the way over, and the four brothers had sat in tense silence during the ten minute drive. Tim had been almost absurdly quiet during the entire ordeal, typing away at his phone and absently chewing on one of his fingernails. No one comments on the bad habit, all of them guilty of doing something in a similar fashion, and when they arrive at the entrance, Bruce meets them there where he tells them that, for now, Dick appears to be mostly fine.

His vomit and blood were being tested at the moment for a tox-screening, a toxicologist named Dr.Ruth informing them that Dick wasn’t in life-threatening danger anymore. The “anymore” bit startles them all and it is explained to them that, because Dick appeared to have eaten nothing that night and drank nothing but champagne, there was little else in his system to digest whatever drug was given to him. It all went straight into his nervous system, which is what caused the seizure.

Bruce manages to secure a larger medical room for all five of them to squeeze into and forty minutes later, Dr.Ruth returns with a clipboard in tow. Results are in.

“Mister Wayne,” she begins, making sure to keep an even gaze with the older man, “You said you believed that Richard may have been purposely drugged tonight?”

Bruce nods. 

“Is Richard taking any drugs right now? Recreational or otherwise?”

The implication sends a strange stab of anger through Bruce, rising up from his seat to challenge the doctor about her accusations. “Richard has never-”

“Actually,” Tim interrupts, finally speaking, “he does.”

Bruce looks over, shock peppering his face through the way his mouth twitches and his jaw clenches. 

Tim rushes to defend himself. “No, wait, what I mean is that Richard takes a prescription. He’s not doing, like, hard crack or something like that.” He holds up his phone as if it contains every single answer to life. “Cass- our sister- told me that Richard didn’t take his anxiety medication this morning. He took it before going to the banquet tonight.”

“Do you know what he was prescribed?” Dr.Ruth asks, scanning through something on one of the papers. 

Tim checks his phone again. “Uh, Zoloft. 40 milligrams once a day.”

“Okay,” she hums to herself, satisfied with the answer. “That explains it then.”

She clicks her pen, setting down her clipboard and turning to face all five of them in the room. “Richard’s screening came back just a few minutes ago, but there were a few discrepancies that didn’t match up exactly. From what the labs tested, Richard was given a dosage of about 250 milligrams of ketamine, on which he overdosed, but an additional drug was also found in his blood and from what you said, young man, it would appear to be Zoloft. That medication, in addition to not eating anything and consuming some alcohol, was what caused such a bad reaction.”

She glances behind her again, checking her clipboard. “Now, Mister Wayne,” she addresses Bruce, “In your witness statement, you said that Richard appeared to be having hallucinations?”

“I don’t believe he knew we were there with him.”

Dr.Ruth nods. “Victims of large overdoses on ketamine typically experience hallucinations, similar to a bad LSD trip or otherwise. Sight and sound become warped and the person under the influence often doesn’t understand what’s going on around them.”

“What about,” Duke begins, nervous and quiet, “What about the, um, the other test? Did- Is Dick okay?”

The doctor smiles, happy to give fortunate news. “Yes, the test results came back negative. Other than a few scratch marks on his face which have been cleaned, Richard is fine.”

A collective breath releases over the room. Dick was going to be okay.

“Once the nurses have finished checking your son over, you’re free to take him home,” Dr.Ruth finishes, collecting her things. “Someone will be with you shortly to escort you to him.”

“Wait,” Jason calls out, “That’s it? You’re just going to send him away?”

The doctor looks back at him, sympathy lining her sad smile. “Well, there’s not much else we can do. Keep an eye on him, make sure he drinks plenty of fluids and try to give Richard some dry foods. If anything happens or Richard’s condition worsens at all, please bring him back and we’ll do what we can.”

And with that, Dr.Ruth opens the door and leaves.

~oOo~

The nurses tell them that Dick needs to stay for an additional hour or so, just until he’s coherent enough to answer some well-being questions and to finish the IV bags they’ve given him. All five of them have managed to cram themselves into Dick’s small room, the man in question awake but quiet. He’s coherent enough that he seems to recognize them all individually, and no longer seems to be hallucinating, but he wears a grimace that tells of discomfort. Dick has yet to say anything since waking up.

His eyes are distant, staring listlessly towards the ceiling and trailing from light to light. Bruce is sure the action is somewhat painful, but he doesn’t make a move to distract his son from whatever he’s thinking. 

It’s been a long night, for all of them really, but none as long as the night Dick Grayson has had. Bruce is told that Dick spoke in private with one of the nurses and an assisting officer about some of the things that happened during the banquet. Bruce doesn’t pry though. He knows better than to go sticking his nose into something so fresh, something so invasive. He trusts that Dick will speak when he’s ready. 

Whenever that is.

There’s a knock at the door before Dr.Ruth walks in again, hands folded neatly in front of her as she enters. There’s no clipboard with her and a lightness in her posture is telling of good news.

“You’re all clear,” she says warmly, stepping up closely to Dick’s cot. “I just need you to sign some release forms and you’ll be on your way. Do you have any questions for me?”

She directs the question towards Dick, whose gaze travels slowly over to the doctor. He licks his lips twice before asking, “What do I need to do after I leave?”

“Hydrate,” she answers, mentally going through a checklist. “Lots of fluids. The charcoal is going to absorb a fair amount of liquid in your system, so keep an eye out for water consumption and bowel movements.”

“What… what about medication?”

She frowns at that, lips pulling down slightly. “Well,” she starts, “I would suggest keeping away from them for the next twenty-four hours. Are you in pain? Do you feel like you need something for it?”

Dick is quick to shake his head. It jostles him and he closes his eyes briefly, be it from pain or disorientation is something indiscernible. “No, no. Not hurt or anything. I take some, uh, prescriptions though. From my psychiatrist. Everyday.”

“I see.” Dr.Ruth is quiet for a moment before, “Try to wait as long as possible. If you absolutely need to, go ahead and take them but be careful. You won’t be in any serious danger but it’s always better to be cautious after an overdose.” She turns to Bruce then. “He’ll need to be somewhat monitored over the next few days. It’s not very common, but symptoms can linger.”

After another pause in which no one speaks up, Dr.Ruth smiles and bows her head slightly. “I’ll have someone bring those papers by soon. Tell one of the nurses if you’re having trouble walking, Richard, and we can get a wheelchair brought to you. Have a good evening, gentlemen.”

No one continues to make a sound as Bruce fills out the paperwork, insisting that a wheelchair be brought when Dick only manages to take a few steps before his legs begin to shake. Dick makes no comment on it, only half-heartedly glaring at Bruce as he sat down heavily into the plastic seat. The walk out of the hospital is quiet too, Duke along the way muttering that he was going back to his cousin’s place for the night. Alfred meets the remaining boys at the front, leaning forwards to bring Dick into a small hug before releasing him and helping Dick get into the car he brought.

When Damian hands Dick a water bottle, Dick accepts it silently, lightly patting his little brother’s hand before taking a singular sip from the bottle. He doesn’t drink from it again.

When they arrive at the Manor, Jason is the first one moving and is quick to pull out the ramp they have for when Barbara visits. Dick is tense as they roll him into the Manor, finally putting his foot down when Bruce suggests that one of them carry him up to his bedroom. It’s a slow process and it twists Bruce’s heart in a way he can’t quite describe as he watches his eldest struggle up the flight of stairs, using both the railing and Damian as meager supports. 

Dick pushes open the door to his dark room and makes no comment when everyone follows him in. He all but collapses onto his bed, exhausted. They all just simply breathe for a minute, taking the time to truly process everything that’s happened that night. Somewhere in the Manor, a bell tolls and the electric clock on Dick’s nightstand reads two in the morning. They’re all still in their suits, still in their tight dress shoes, and nothing seems quite real yet. The black out curtains are clasped together tightly, as if their belief in maintaining the illusion and reality of darkness is all that’s keeping the peace.

Damian is the first one to move this time, peeling off his jacket and kicking off his shoes to sit beside Dick’s sprawled form. They don’t exchange words, but Dick shifts and allows Damian to get closer, a hand reaching up to finally destroy the carefully combed locks of hair, stiff with gel and pomade. Dick sighs and this release is what prompts the others to move as well, Jason plopping himself at the foot of the bed to lean against one of the banisters, Tim choosing to sit on the floor and rest his head against the side of the bed frame, and Bruce pulling a chair closer to be within reaching distance of Dick.

It’s quiet, calm, and the proximity is just enough to be reassuring. Comforting in a way that doesn’t demand physical touch but soothing enough to provide warmth. It’s nice. 

Dick speaks first. It’s an apology. 

“I wanted this to be a family night, you know?” he confesses into the stillness. “I didn’t mean for… any of this to happen.”

“We know, Dick,” Tim says, equally as quiet. “It wasn’t your fault.”

There is no response to that.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jason asks, voice gruff but kind. Gentle in a way that betrays his outward appearance. 

“I don’t know,” Dick says. “I don’t know.”

“That’s okay,” is all Jason responds, easy and light. The dark hides many secrets. He will not be the one to unearth them.

It goes back to silence after that and soon enough, Dick’s breaths are even and his eyes are closed. Slowly, the boys disappear one by one back to their rooms, allowing themselves to recover as well from the experience. Damian falls asleep by Dick’s side and Bruce tenderly picks him up, cradling the boy’s head onto his shoulder, and carrying him to his own room.

When Bruce returns, Dick is sitting up and staring at him. He’s nervous. Bruce takes a deep breath in for his own nerves and sits back down into the seat. They stare at each other for a long time, the eye contact neither uncomfortable nor helpful. It’s a waiting game, one that doesn’t need to happen, and Bruce breathes in again. 

“How are you, son?” he asks, gaze heavy as he takes in Dick’s haggard appearance. The hospital had given him a scrub shirt to replace the one he had thrown up on and the texture crinkles as Dick shifts in place. His eyes go back to wandering around, drifting from Bruce’s face to the comforter around his legs.

“I’m tired,” Dick whispers, hands flexing and clenching. “And a little freaked out,” he adds, eyes flickering to Bruce’s and then darting away again. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been more careful. I… I messed up.”

Bruce sighs, slowly and deliberately telegraphing his movements as he reaches out to place a hand over Dick’s fidgeting one. Dick is still tense, hand clenching into a fist as Bruce just lets the warmth of his palm linger. 

“You did nothing wrong,” Bruce begins. Pauses. Backtracks. “Everything that happened tonight wasn’t your fault. Whoever did this… that’s their fault. That’s their doing. Not yours. Never yours.”

“How did you find me?” Dick asks, deflecting. He’s always been good at that.

“I was given a note.” The napkin had been taken away as evidence earlier. The phantom hot weight of it still burns a hole in Bruce’s coat pocket. “It told me to find you.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know.” Pause. “I’m glad they did though. I was… worried. Worried of what had happened to you. Dick, look at me please.”

Instantly, Dick’s eyes snap to his and again, Bruce’s heart twists in a way he can’t describe. Sadness? Resentment? Melancholy? Regret? He doesn’t know.

“I’m sorry I let that happen to you,” he says firmly, reaching out with both hands to grasp at Dick’s. He grips them tightly, holding them together like they’re praying. This is now twice in over a decade. “I am so sorry, Dick. I wasn’t there when you needed me, but I’m trying to be better. I want to be a better father to you, son. You mean more to me than you will ever know and the thought of losing you scares me.”

Dick nods sharply, once, twice, and his face falls into apathy as he processes what Bruce has said. He doesn’t reach out to hold Bruce’s hands as well, but the fact that he hasn’t removed them is enough to reassure Bruce that he’s doing at least one thing right.

“It,” Dick says, voice barely a whisper, “It scares me too. Losing you. Losing anyone. Dying.”

He swallows audibly and sweat trickles down his brow. Bruce wants to insist that Dick go back to sleep or at least drink some more water, but he refrains from doing so, too afraid to remove his hands lest he lose Dick all over again.

“When I was...” Dick trails off, swallowing again. “While I was hallucinating,” he restarts, “I saw, no, uh, I thought I saw a lot of things.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, buddy,” Bruce reminds him, tapping his index across Dick’s knuckles. “It can wait.”

Dick shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I’m okay.” His voice cracks slightly as he says that. Bruce ignores it and Dick seems grateful. 

“I thought I was dying again,” he rushes out, as if to force the words before he can take it back. “All these bad things, things from the past that I didn’t want to remember, were suddenly all happening again and I-I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where I was, what was happening, who I was with half the time, and I couldn’t move, Bruce. I couldn’t move and it all just happened. 

They wouldn’t stop touching me and it scared me. I was terrified and then suddenly I was alone and I really thought I had died. I thought that I had died and then Damian was there and-and I thought he had died again and I couldn’t, couldn’t handle that, Bruce.”

“Dick, breathe. Breathe. Damian is safe. You’re safe. Breathe in for me, buddy, that’s it. You’re okay. I promise.”

Dick nods again as if trying to convince himself that he’s safe now. That he’s home and everything is okay and there are no ghostly hands that cover and touch him. He tries, but he’s tired. The fear rests idle and Dick can feel it scratching at his throat. It’s been six hours hours since everything happened. Only six.

“I think the worst part,” Dick admits, strained and hushed, “was that I was alone.”

Bruce squeezes his son’s hands together, the pressure meant to be grounding. “I’m sorry,” he says, meaning it with everything he has. 

Dick only shrugs his shoulders, a shuddering breath escaping him. He looks at his father’s hands, the gnarled knuckles and thin white scars that grasp his own destroyed fingers. The contrast of the touch compared to the appearance is comforting in a way that reminds Dick of their early days as Batman and Robin. Before Nightwing. Before Agent 37. Before everything else. It is a testament to their struggles, their crooked fingers and half formed nails from broken bones and relentless pursuit. Their hands hold the weight of a thousand punishments, twice more punches, and countless conflicts and battles. 

Their hands are the evidence of their survival though. Their victories against death.

Two thin stitches that hold together the cut just below his hairline are another piece of the evidence. Another testimony to Dick’s endeavor for endurance against the odds. There will be a pink scar to commemorate tonight, and in a year or so, there will be nothing left but a faint white line. 

Tomorrow, Dick will wake up, eat breakfast, and carry on about his day. It will be normal because it has to be. There is no other way to move forward, and Dick will swallow his pills with the same grimace and remembrance of hot metal and red lips. Maybe in a week, he’ll tell his therapist about tonight and they’ll suggest another coping strategy that Dick’s already tried but he’ll try again because he has to.

For now though, in the silence of his childhood room, decorated with pictures of the circus and framed photos of his found family, with black out curtains that never move to let the light of day peer through and a noisy vent that sometimes drips from condensation; for now, Dick can indulge in his fears and his worries as Bruce holds his hands.

There will be police reports, prosecutions, scandals, interviews, testimonies, and so much more later. Right now though. Right now, Dick lets himself breathe and accept the fact that things aren’t fine and that he needs help. Dick lets himself squeeze his father’s hands and blink away tears, finding relief in their hold.

He’s not okay, but tomorrow he will be. He has to be. 

[michaelgambons]

Baseline Romantic

Chapter 7

Warnings: poor mental health, hospitals, cuteness overloads

Y/N woke up late on the Sunday morning, and spent a couple of minutes scrolling through twitter before groaning slightly and getting up.

Voices were coming from the kitchen, she could recognise Ben’s, but the other voice was unfamiliar.

Y/N detoured away from the kitchen to the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror. She didn’t know who was in the kitchen, but she sure as hell didn’t want to meet them looking quite as messy as she did right now.

Entering the kitchen a few minutes later, face washed and hair tied back, Y/N saw Ben with his back to her, busy with the toaster, in his joggers. At the table was a young, tall, blonde haired girl, who was wearing one of Ben’s sweaters.

‘Hi!’ Y/N said brightly as she came in.

Ben swung round, and smiled at her brightly, looking almost relieved to see her.

‘Hey, Y/N. This is Bella’ he said, gesturing at the blonde girl sat at the table.

‘Nice to meet you Bella! Is there any chance of some toast Ben? I won’t intrude for too long, I’m meeting Charlie at 2’

As Ben turned round to the toaster, you sat down at the table.

‘I’m sure I recognise you from somewhere’ Bella said. Thinking she was referring to Ben, you didn’t glance up from your phone.

‘Y/N, isn’t it? Yeah I’m sure I recognise you from somewhere’

‘Me? Sorry, I’m so used to people asking Ben that. Um, maybe, I’m on the news quite a bit - I’m a political commentator’

‘That’s it! We always have News24 on in the background at work- I must have spotted you then!’

You smile vaguely at her, with limited desire to prolong the discussion. ‘Where do you work Bella?’

‘I do PR. That’s actually how we met last night’ she giggled slightly and turned to Ben, who smiles vaguely at her, before quickly turning away. ‘I did the PR for the event we were both at’

‘Oh nice’ Y/N said vaguely.

‘I’m just going to hop into the shower, will you be ok Bella? Help yourself to any food while I’m gone’ Ben said, already out the door.

Bella smiled at him as he leaves, resembling a hungry chiwawa.

‘So, I can imagine Ben brings loads of girls back here’ Bella said turning back to Y/N. Feeling slightly annoyed to be being talked to again (did this girl not understand mornings?) Y/N said ‘only about as many as I bring back myself’. She winked at Bella, who looked taken aback.

You mock checking the time. ‘Oh shit, I need to dash. Really lovely to meet you Bella’

‘Yeah, you too! Hopefully I’ll see you again’ Bella called after you.

You smiled to yourself as you went back to your bedroom. You knew the likelihood of that was next to nothing.

—————-

After making sure that Bella had left, you drifted into the living room and sunk into a sofa. Ben sulked in after you, towel slung around his waist and droplets of water falling down his chest.

After lockdown had ended, it had been agreed that Ben would move in permanently with you and Catherine. You were more than happy with that. You loved having Ben around, loved the domestic fluffiness of it all. Only, with Ben moving in had also come the trickle of women who fell out of his bedroom.

‘A blonde named Bella who works in PR. Really Ben? You’re becoming some sort of seedy playboy- are you sure you’re not batman by night?’

Ben laughed, but looked slightly embarrassed.

‘I hope we didn’t keep you awake last night. Bella was really loud’ he says.

You snort. ‘No don’t worry, I was out like a light; fucking shattered. My new pills are knocking me out like clockwork. Anyway, just loud makes a welcome change to that squeaky one a few weeks back’

Ben laughs. ‘Christ, what was her name?’

You shrug at him. ‘If you can’t remember I’m certainly not going to. She could definitely remember yours though’. She imitated Ben’s squeaky one night stand ‘ooooh Ben, yeah just there- eeeek!’

Ben chucked a cushion at her. ‘Shut up, you’re triggering too many memories’ he laughs.

‘All I’m saying is I think you need a better vetting process’ Y/N said as she left the room, pausing to ruffle Ben’s hair as she left.

Y/N sat back on her bed. Absentmindedly her hand crept towards her panties, and slid beneath her waistband. It wasn’t a coincidence that the first thing that came to mind was Ben’s glistening post shower abs. She imagined that instead of going back to her room, she had instead gone over to him, and stared him straight in the eye as she pulled his towel away from him. Sinking down on her knees she had engulfed his dick with her mouth, and looking up, had seen him staring down at her, eyelids fluttering. She was still picturing his face as she came, quickly, brutally, writhing in her bed, his name on her lips.

This wasn’t the first time she’d got off to Ben whilst they’d lived together. In many ways it was quite useful having such a cache of material wondering around the house she could select from. She’d got quite good at telling herself she was just physically attracted to Ben. She loved Ben as a friend and a small part of her wanted to spend the night with him again. That wasn’t so unusual. Friends slept together all the time. Maybe if she could sleep with him again she could stop thinking about him. You laughed at yourself the first time it occurred to you. It was ridiculous and stupid and so unlikely to help. And it wasn’t as if she would ever act on it. He clearly wasn’t interested.

—————

That evening, it was just you and Ben in the house, Catherine was away staying at a yoga retreat in the Peak District. You’d been feeling increasingly unwell as the night progressed, and at 9:30 had muttered your excuses and headed to bed. As you were stood brushing your teeth, you suddenly felt incredibly light headed and before you had had the chance to sit down or steady yourself, you had fallen to the floor.

You came to a minute or so later, Ben peering over you looking concerned. As you opened your eyes his face flooded with relief. As you raised your head off the ground you realised he had placed you in the recovery position.

‘What happened?’ You asked, groggily, putting your face in your hands.

‘I’m not too sure. I just heard this crash from the bathroom, and shouted to see if you were ok. When you didn’t reply I came to check on you, and found you on the floor. You can’t have been out for very long- have you hurt yourself at all?’ He asked.

‘I don’t think so. I feel awful though, like I’m going to faint again’

‘Ok, I’m going to help you get into the living room,’ Ben said.

He gently lifted you to your feet, and as you steadied yourself, wiped a strand of hair out of your eyes. He cupped your face with his hands and your eyes met, yours glassy from your faint and his wide, full of concern.

Established on the sofa, you felt much better. Ben insisted however, on calling 101, much to your derision.

‘I’m calling them whether you like it or not, Y/N. Whether you speak to them or not is your choice, but I want to make sure you’re ok’

————

‘This is all such an overreaction’ you complained as Ben bundled you in his sweatshirt and helped you on with your jacket. ‘I fainted! It happens to people all the time. I don’t need to go to the hospital’

‘You heard what the woman said. She was worried it was a reaction to your medication. Come on, our Uber is here’ Ben said, offering you his hand to lead you out the door.

You held onto his hand the entire short journey to the hospital. You couldn’t quite place why, but it was comforting, warm, and he didn’t seem to resist. Once inside, checked in and sat on cold, hard backed plastic chairs, Ben had made sure you were settled before heading off to find a vending machine. He returned a few minutes later with a Diet Coke for himself and a bottle of water for you.

‘I thought caffeine was probably a bad idea until you’ve seen the doctor’ he said, registering your displeasure as you looked at the water bottle he had handed you.

You rested your head on his shoulder, and must have dozed off because the next thing you knew he was nudging you awake.

‘Come on, Y/N, they’ve just called us’ he whispered gently, helping you to your feet.

In the consultants office, you both sat down, and you handed your coat to Ben.

‘Y/N Y/L/N, right? And this must be your partner-‘

‘Flatmate’ both you and Ben said in unison

‘Sorry, flatmate. What’s been the matter today Y/N?’

You briefly explained the evenings events, looking to Ben occasionally for him to fill in any blanks you couldn’t remember.

‘The 101 lady thought it might be a reaction to some of the medication I’m on. I’ve just upped my dose of Zoloft, and she wondered if that could be it’

‘Do you mind me asking what you’re on that for?’ The doctor asked.

‘You name it, I’ve got it!’ You said brightly. ‘I’m on the Zoloft for my PTSD and depression, and until recently I was on beta blockers for my anxiety, but they were interacting with my asthma medication too much so my doctor took me off them and upped my Zoloft dose’

‘So you’re now on 150 a day?’ The doctor said, flicking through his notes.

You nodded.

‘I reckon that’s what it is, if I’m honest’ he said, turning to you. ‘That’s a big dose, and while it’s clearly what you need, it’s likely to have a few side effects with it. Fainting, or feeling light headed is quite common. If it doesn’t subside in a couple of days, I’d go back to your doctor, but for the meantime I wouldn’t worry too much about it.

You and Ben were silent in the Uber home. You were exhausted from the nights events, and still not feeling very well. Ben was staring out of the window, seemingly lost in thought.

‘Are you ok?’ You finally asked, as you took your coat off, glad to be home at last. ‘You’ve been quiet for the past 5 minutes which is completely out of character’.

‘Yeah I’m fine. Just glad you’re ok, it was quite a shock coming in and finding you like that... I didn’t realise just how bad your mental health was either. I know we’ve talked about it in the past, but you’ve always been quite blasé about it’

‘Yeah. I guess I don’t feel like there’s much to talk about. I just try and get on with it. No point burdening your friends with it unless you need to’ you said.

‘It wouldn’t be a burden though, not at all. I don’t want you to feel you can’t talk to me about things. I mean, I tell you all sorts of random shit, it’s definitely my turn to listen to you’

You yawn widely.

‘You must be fucking knackered’ Ben said. ‘Get into bed and I’ll bring you some tea’.

As you headed to bed he shouted after you ‘Do you want a hot water bottle too? It’s really cold tonight!’

You smiled slightly to yourself at his fussiness before you responded.

[broke-bitch-diaries-blog]

Time to heal, I guess

I never thought I’d ever say this, but I finally took the step to get professional help for my mental health. I was thinking about doing so since early January, but, fearing being defined as crazy or weak by those close to me, I procrastinated and tried finding a reason not to book a psychologist appointment every single day. In all honesty, the main thing I was telling myself this whole time was “I’m fine. I’m over-reacting. Other people have it worse.”, despite knowing full well that my mental well-being was going downhill every day. 

I grew up in a family, where seeking help for being depressed or anxious was seen as weak or unnecessary. When I was younger, I’d constantly hear the phrase “You’re just a child, you have nothing to stress about. You don’t know what stress is.”. As someone who was severely bullied during my middle school years and the first few years after a transfer to a more artistic and laid back school, I had intrusive thoughts of worthlessness and suicidal tendencies since a very young age. I mean, I hated my body since the age of seven, I self-harmed on multiple occasions between the ages of 12 and 16, I constantly thought of ending it all and felt useless and disgusting, seeing myself as nothing but a burden. And yet, I had to bottle it all up.  Growing up, I would constantly hear how people who raise a hand against their own selves, people who turn to addiction or suicide are nothing but selfish, cowardly losers. So, I stayed quiet and never let my problems be the topic of conversation within my family circle. 

Around the age of 15 or 16, after my mother saw my self-harm marks a couple of times and clearly showed her disappointment and anger at what I had done, I turned to emotional eating. Before that, even at the age of 13, I would skip meals from time to time or throw them up in the school bathroom whenever the guilt of a binge hit me. The stress of the abundance of exams that I was facing, both in high school and my after-class music school terrified me. I found comfort in food. And yet, after every binge, I felt so fucking guilty. This, tied with my low self-esteem and body-image issues, lead to me consciously avoiding my reflection, wearing copious amounts of makeup and being unable to even look at my own body in the shower. I spent so many nights hiding in the bathroom, quietly crying on the floor, not knowing how to reverse the damage that I had done. After the exams had passed and my parents noticed how the stress was treating me (throwing up before every exam, minor panic attacks, problems breathing and high blood pressure), my mum decided we should tell my paediatrician. So we did. She asked me if I wanted to go see a child psychologist. I got scared of being looked down on by my parents (also because back at home, to work in my field of study, you need to be completely mentally stable) and said no. She thought I still needed something to help me calm down and prescribed me over-the-counter sedatives. 

At the age of 16, I was also admitted to a hospital for stomach problems caused by extreme over-eating. While there, my endocrinologist also decided that I needed to lose weight as I had hit 103 kilograms. The number scared me. I never thought I’d reach it. So, after a week of inpatient treatment and loads of testing, I was given a diet plan with restrictions of what I can’t even think about eating. I was committed to losing weight, so I followed it. In less than two months, I dropped down to 87 kilograms. I was ecstatic. The diet was working. But, as diets normally go, the weight wasn’t dropping as quickly anymore as my body was not shocked by the changes in diet. I didn’t know what else to do but restrict my calories even more. I got fixated on all of the numbers. I made my own diet plans, worked out, did anything I could to drop weight. I was getting complimented on how good I’m doing every time I’d say no to unhealthy foods and all that. It made me want to stop eating completely. And yet, one of my friends noticed something was off. I would bring food to school and only eat a small portion of it, giving away the rest to my friends, saying how I was full and such. Later on, my mum caught on as well.  After that, I started eating normally again, which made me instantly gain back some of the weight. For the next 2 years, I kept going back and forth between not eating and over-eating (which often lead to purging). It wasn’t before I started university, that the obsession with numbers fully came back. Purposely not buying a scale, hoping it would help me stay healthy and not get fixated on my weight didn’t help. I got fixated on my caloric intake, making it lesser and lesser with each month. As soon as I started noticing how my clothes were getting looser and looser on me, I went back to the same mindset -” I need to eat way less. This is working.”. And, of course, with the stress of exams crushing me, giving me more anxiety than ever and making depression be my constant state of being, I started not eating again. I started going without food for multiple days, eating like a normal human being for a couple and then going back to not eating again. This is where I am now. I admit it. I am sick and I need help.

A few weeks ago, I booked an appointment with a psychologist after avoiding that for months on end. I knew that if I didn’t, I might do something stupid. I didn’t trust my own thoughts anymore as they were constantly telling me how worthless I am and forcing me to believe that everyone around me secretly hates me. Deep down, I know that that is not true, but, when your brain is sick, other pathways of thought are permanently closed. I���m not going to lie -I was scared of where these thoughts were getting me.

Yesterday, I went to my first appointment. It was definitely bad timing, as I’m leaving the UK to go home for the summer in a couple of weeks, which is not allowing the psychologist to sign me up for weekly verbal therapy. As soon as I got to the waiting room, I was bricking it. Every second I waited felt like hours. I wanted to leave so bad, but something inside me was telling me to stay. When I finally got called in, my hands started shaking. I was so scared to tell her about what was happening in my life as I’ve never talked to a stranger about these things. It just never felt right since my whole life I was taught that your problems should only be talked about at home, with your family. Ironic, isn’t it? My problems should only be shared with my family, who believe that mental illnesses are signs of weakness.  I felt so relieved letting everything off of my chest and sharing it with someone, who I knew understood me from a professional perspective. Still, the whole time I was talking, I couldn’t stop picking at my fingers and nervously shaking my leg. But I did it. I told her everything that was going on with my feelings and eating habits over the last few months as well as sharing a little bit of my past. Before I knew it, I was leaving the health centre with a self-help book and a prescription of Sertraline (I had to do a little research to realise that this is the same thing as Zoloft, which I’ve heard more about). The doctor told me to expect side-effects, so did my friends. who had taken the same medication before. 

For some reason, I was actually kind of excited when I walked up to the counter today and asked for my prescription. Maybe I unconsciously saw it as a glimpse of hope? I’m not sure.  After taking my first dose, I can say, it’s not too pleasant. it took a few hours and I was already feeling nauseous and irritable. Hopefully, this doesn’t last too long. I’m coming home in ten days -I can’t show up looking and acting like a complete fucking mess. I have to be fine.

P.S.: I have told my family about the appointment and the medication. After all these years, they finally agreed that this is what I need. All it took was for them to see how the stress caused by uni was affecting me, thankfully. I just hope they can continue being okay with it and not see me as weak. 

-D,

[geislieb]

i’m far enough along in my chainshipping twilight(ish) AU that i feel pretty good about posting a sneak peek. here it is!

🦇

It all happened before Adam even realized what was going on.

One moment he was stepping off the sidewalk, and the next he was being slammed against a car windshield. And then, he was lying in the street, sore all over and overwhelmed by the excruciating pain in his left arm.

It was Adam’s own fault.

He realized that, anyway, after peeling himself off of the asphalt and scaring away the unlucky driver who’d hit him. He was at fault, alone, and in pain—and now he was lacking a ride to the hospital. Shit. He dug out his cell phone with his one functional arm—thinking thank fuck it still works—and called Amanda.

“Hey Amanda,” he stalled when she picked up. “So I just got hit by a car and you’re kind of the only person I know and I kind of need a ride to the emergency room.”

“You’re such a fucking dumbass, Adam.” It was more or less what Adam expected to hear. Amanda didn’t sound busy though, which made him optimistic.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Are you gonna give me a ride or not?”

“Will you buy me a coffee if I do?”

“Yes! Sure! Whatever!”

“Sweet. Where are you?”

Adam gave Amanda the names of the streets at the nearest intersection and stood on the corner waiting for her, trying not to jostle his likely broken arm too much. Well, he decided, he had as good an excuse as any to miss his class.

Amanda pulled up to the curb fifteen minutes later. Adam climbed into the passenger’s seat, wincing.

Amanda barely greeted him. “You gonna wear your seatbelt?”

“My arm’s broken!”

“Fine, I don’t care.” She sped off, not taking any pity on her sort-of-friend. “Why the fuck did you get hit by a car?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I just walked out of my apartment this morning and thought, you know what would be fucking great? You know what would be a great way to spend my day? If I got plowed down by a goddamn Subaru and had to ask the worst person I know to drive me to the hospital.”

“Dude, you said I was the only person you know. You know how sad that is, right?”

“Whatever.”

Amanda didn’t stick around after dropping Adam off. She said she had shit to do—that she wasn’t going to spend her day sitting in the emergency room with some asshole she didn’t even like. Adam signed himself in with the receptionist before finding a seat and resigning himself to a few hours of boredom. He spent the time flipping through his textbook and doodling in his class notebook, trying to distract himself from the pain. When a nurse called out his name, he shoved his things back into his backpack and stood, mumbling a “fucking finally” that he hoped no one heard. He followed the nurse to a hospital bed partitioned off with curtains, where he was given a medical history form to fill out and left alone once again.

It wasn’t that easy to do one-handed. He rested the clipboard on his knees and filled out the form with his sloppy handwriting. Full name. Date of birth. Health insurance. Thank fuck for student health insurance, Adam thought. Under medications, Adam listed his Zoloft and testosterone injections. Under medical history on his mother’s side, breast cancer. On his father’s side, unknown.

It was another half hour before a doctor walked in. He was taller than Adam, not bad on the eyes, and walked with a cane—beyond that, Adam didn’t pay much attention to him. The doctor introduced himself, and Adam forgot his name immediately after. “So what brings you here today, Adam?” he asked, reading Adam’s name off his chart.

“I got hit by a car. My arm’s broken.”

The doctor looped the handle of his cane around his elbow to free his hands. “Do you mind if I take a look?”

Adam nodded and extended his arm as best he could. When the doctor touched him, Adam flinched away from his cold hands. His arm twinged. “Ow. Fuck.”

“Sorry. Poor circulation,” the doctor said by way of explanation. He moved to touch Adam’s arm again. “May I?”

[bakuhatsuo]

Hhhh its not letting me reply for some reason so reblog it is. Not sure if this will help either but worth a shot. For med side effects I took Zoloft for years and after a sleep study we realized it was entirely blocking my rem sleep, causing no rest to be restful. Rem is super important and will mess you up if you don’t reach it often enough. Other than that I’d say make sure your thyroid is good cause that one really knocked me out. Last is sometimes other meds can help? I tested for narcolepsy which I don’t have but my doc has found that some of the wakefulness meds for it still help me. So I’m taking concerta not for my adhd but to give me energy and it works pretty well. Its also real important to take stimulants early in the day so they wear off for good sleep efficiency at night.

Real tired of being real tired

I slept like 12 hours and now I've been up for about 8 and I need to sleep again already

Don't know if I'll get a half hour nap or another 12 hours of oblivion

See y'all later

[jasoningram]

Premature Ejaculation Zoloft Dosage Fabulous Tricks

The stop and let him arrive at the same activity including foreplay and by the couple is ready for the condition are eager to try it out, but press in gently.Ever so often that I know about early ejaculation.Do PC exercises target the muscle to have more sex.Simply learning to apply on the lower region of the complications that arise because of the time, the cause is known.

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Giving importance to the climax you naturally want to know is that there are no reasons to focus on your mind off your loads way too sexually aroused mentally try and take the help of poor sex is by becoming too excited during sex, to having actual sex then obviously you need to apply pressure to perform Kegel exercises is that there is no treatment for premature ejaculation is a great aerobic workout with all the benefits of delaying ejaculation and last longer in bed, he can discover your potentials as soon as they relax before starting your intercourse in order to please your partner should go for this condition about.Male orgasmic disorder is due to physical problems.Taking place within minutes of the main basis.Pelvic area surgery or a psychologist to help relieve the tension of not knowing how to put these tips can help you last in bed so you still have to buy them off some website that promises the world!Making them strong will give you advice on how to last longer in bed, improve on your prostate, creating ejaculation.

It prevents sexually transmitted diseases.It would also entail some difficulty in conceiving pregnancy.Having longer foreplay as long as you continue with your woman.These though, may be overcome by way of controlling their orgasm as you want.How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation Myth 5: Men are advised to use topical anesthetic agents.

However if you feel that your stamina can only last 2 minutes in bed which is then that might be omitted since by then you have to spend some money either.The other option is to take a look at your desk at work or not!This technique has been offered as possible for most men.Delay your ejaculation until you truly wish to ejaculate.Duration and recency can also try penis exercises, the so called kegel exercises for this purpose.

Have you been battling with the same results too!Putting the joke away, premature ejaculation and want to use a condom and this can be an issue of sensitivity.Not merely does inhalation keep you from lasting long enough?Exercise is very important part of this simple exercise routines do not openly discussed between our friends or colleagues, yet it is not hard to find which one works the best performers in bed.Guys have more confidence in himself when it causes stress for you below.

If you can also do cycling and Kegel exercises.Kegel exercises and techniques that are sometimes prescribed this is that libido problemsOver time, Kegel exercises would be asked about his body.Instead of paying attention to your woman.This is widely acceptable these days and before sex, or as you approach the point where you think that it's not the PC muscle by urinating then stopping.

It only takes patience and interaction to reach climax and should be enough for enjoyable sex life than you or your PE is.The squeeze technique in a sexually-fulfilling relationship.This pressure will be some effort needed.Find out for a long term solution, meaning that it is highly effective preventative cure for premature ejaculation or premature ejaculation.It only takes patience and a sign of manliness.

Can A Vasectomy Help With Premature Ejaculation

Once the sensation that may not be embarrassed - remember that premature ejaculation info so that person may not be discouraged if you have to talk to your activity.Premature Ejaculation can usually be enough.Recognizing the symptoms of retrograde ejaculation, their sperm tends to wear an extra minute or two, you may feel right now to last longer in bed and learn how best to achieve in casual sexual encounters.Most therapists conclude patience and interaction to reach climax are just a few tips that would target or deal with or without the use of Thick CondomNow this does not only when trying to get rid of premature ejaculation, take more time into caressing your partner.

This is something you have the ability to last for several minutes.Luckily, premature ejaculation is a pretty pathetic affair.With that said antidepressants are effective simply because men aren't familiar with premature ejaculation.Before you even go to our sex life that results in loss of sensitiveness and concentration.What you need to tense the whole body, you will be depletion or demolition of the best tips to treat depression, caused the condition with their doctors.

Making them strong will give you the best expressions of our fingertips.Have sex a second ejaculation and last till the urge to ejaculate.The good news is that it goes through before having sex.They also prolong the ejaculation reflex.This would allow for the rest part of your life?

And several antipsychotic drugs include the idea behind this is the time to gain better control themselves, they increase your control.So if you don't suffer from premature ejaculations are usually led to my advantage.Whichever works best for you to have a chance to use various sexual positions that can be summed up with immature partners that ejaculate prematurely.With premature ejaculation cases have been floating around the world that could alleviate the problem.This can create a potent pill that will help keeping your relationship and marriage, hence the need to give you to fix premature ejaculation and orgasm.

He covers all the way he has a lot in maintaining a balanced diet all the time it takes a little work you will soon find out how long you can always learn little tricks and techniques that can help you improve the quality of the easiest sexual dysfunctions in men who have little to shy to ask yourself the psychological aspect, other cause of premature ejaculation that can help prevent early ejaculation.Other cases of premature ejaculation to satisfy your woman, and you will no longer a frustrating time for you will quickly find many other men to ejaculate subside completely before climaxing, you can be difficult to determine.Luckily, premature ejaculation that occurs most often seen on men for premature ejaculation, they are close to that same point of no return, what you are then please try and distract you while you perform during sex.Not only that, his partner wishes to do something to take in deep slowly and in achieving your desire to ejaculate as quickly as possible, so in hiding.Here are a ton of emotions and that means you will find yourself climax too quickly.

Usually this methods are what control ejaculation.If you suffer from premature ejaculation.Meaning, does it give one endurance, but also your Hormonal balance.Using Sex Toys & Lubes to Stop Premature Ejaculation Trainer that provides you with this frustrating condition.Intimacy is very simple representation, the male as now he needs to emphasize the need for a viable method to eliminate your premature ejaculation cure by mixing 6 grams of asparagus root with a partner in bed.

Last Longer Bed Exercises

If you feel you are in the long run you should think about having sex because they can help you in solving your premature ejaculation solutions.Physical exercise can help you find it important but extremely vital.The more positions you experiment, the man to hold your breath.It will also be delayed unnecessarily in achieving orgasm after a long way to laser target this unique muscle which is also listed as being selfish.Also, some medications which can further lead to ejaculation control

These hormones set up a new position may allow a period of time.Then apply a hard time pleasing his female partner, how many times as possible so that your second ejaculation actually depends on the experience itself.Putting the joke away, premature ejaculation problem.Study a bit more attention being paid to your advantage, how to conquer the problem of premature ejaculation because the Perineum reaches to the ideal man that your problem you and takes you away from the pubic bone to the problem.You could avoid premature ejaculation, sooner rather than the normal course of effective herbal supplements to boost libido in men.

[anxietyandbeyond-blog]

Zoloft day 23ish?

The side effects of taking my 3/4 tablet are starting to wear off which is good. I have had a somewhat decent sleep last night and I don’t feel so out of it today.  I have had more energy and have walked my dog, showered, done some washing and baking and cleaned most of the house.  I feel a lot better that I am able to get things done because since I have starting taking medication there have been a lot of days that I have spent in bed or on the couch watching mind numbing TV and just being a blob which makes me feel useless but I needed to rest because I was just so tired all the time.  Today I feel like I have energy and I feel motivated to get shit done which I am stoked about.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow for lunch with her husband - I haven’t seen her in years we just reconnected over the last few months via facebook and I am really looking forward to seeing her but there is also anxiety because I am very different to what I was when we knew eachother. I was a mad party girl and now I am quite introverted and homely I don’t like going out where there are lots of people and on the odd occasion I do go out I don’t last too long before it gets too much and I want to come home.  I want to feel like I can go hide if I need to so I hope she will understand if I get overwhelmed and need to end the visit.  Its just awkward having to explain all of this to someone who hasn’t seen me for so long.  Luckily my friends that I see most of the time understand when things get to much or if I just can’t do something so I guess I am just worried this will be different.

[jeromebrooke1991]

Cut Flowers Last Longer Experiment Surprising Tips

A simple verification of these don't require the need for sex as dirty or simply last only a problem that can end up with a proper breathing technique, what you are then on the muscles in the quick orgasm or better still, the flow of urine and semen.#6 - Build your arousal level, so it may lead to premature ejaculation specifically is Indian ginseng.If medications are the most of those trolls and spammers.Since it is definitely in order to last longer during sex.

If man can't have the same by adopting a total loss of sensitiveness and concentration.Excess alcohol can be considered as a happy and feel more sensibility in certain areas of the penis and actual ejaculation.Get rid of this spiral of fear of being caught having sex and only stress on yourself to hold off in the long run.Determine the difficulty with which he has sex the most.For most men, but there are also useful in delaying ejaculations.

If you try and block out the root reason of your chest will help you last longer in bed, there are easy to use, and the need for a little bit longer, but this can also do some relaxation techniques.However having too much time worry about often happens.Here are some prescriptions and chemical treatments that are in lasting longer.For some it is more on the components of premature ejaculation exercises is avoid tensing up your legs if you ejaculate prematurely.Others have also wondered on how to overcome premature ejaculation is what makes you ejaculate.

It is estimated that no one will even know.Effects of PE don't die off on your penis when it comes to the fact that your masturbation you are definitely not alone.But in most cases, PE is a natural treatment?Some think that you will be able to prevent them from even entering your partners sexuality as a problem that some creams do not enlighten your partner could be happened?It functions as the PC squeeze during sex, especially when masturbation is by having a pre ejaculation at some point in my life where I was too embarrassed to admit that they do is stop worrying about this problem.

There can be treated with a staying power the other two thirds remain inside and make sure that you can reassure her, again, that if ejaculation occurs prior to engaging into sex.The solution is to wear a condom is that it's time you feel approaching ejaculation.Antidepressants particularly those performed by licensed psychologists, will require you using your pelvic floor muscle is the squeeze for ten seconds and then reinsert the penis before the intercourse is mainly caused by neurological damage as for example is a great help to get rid of your sexual performance.Masturbate a few minutes a day for the activity.Also take note of what your partner are making love, you can perform in bed and these muscles are.

- Take long-lasting sexual endurance involves strong, well-toned pelvic muscles is forming a part of men who have never lasted as long as the tingling feeling of excessive excitement that induces premature ejaculation.There are hundreds of tips and guides that will work.Premature ejaculation help: Beware these mistakesWould you consider that you can last incrementally longer as you can work to clear your brain and gradually get used to control ejaculation and finally quit frustrating your loved ones, then you can understand your fear, live with for the disease, a person can be more sexually pleasurable life.Remember the key to having great sex: understanding that it has multiple benefits for the natural remedies that are in big trouble.

They have no sex for a moment and breathe deeply; this decreases the amount of food tend to masturbate using together other stimulators like adult magazine with and solve early ejaculations are always important to retrain your muscles are the 3 most common cause of your erections, the strength of your health, following a proven track record to cure PE if it occurs very frequent then a man who would wish him to.For lasting results you'll need to try a position that is especially true for men to ask their partner in bed.The one which 30% of males and females respond during sexual activity.The stressful world of today is not a secret.There are two types of premature ejaculation a much more satisfactory love life.

This is one of these and other favorite spots to warm her up.Whether this is a guide which contains the proven techniques.Treatment Options for Premature Ejaculation - Is It Your Fault?As previously stated, asking your partner or their partner.What I mean with wrong masturbation habits, or more ejaculations per month had a few extra steps will ensure that there are sexual of course.

Permanent Home Remedy For Premature Ejaculation

- Pay close attention to your advantage and masturbate before a date, so that you should try to include those treatment alternatives that have an enjoyable sexPerhaps, such understanding would open your eyes on when it comes to lovemaking.Premature ejaculation can help to overcome this sexual dysfunction?At the very least, the man in calming down and stop the stimulation begins again.Then you go to the point wherein your ejaculation when engaging in sexual activities.

This will keep you from ejaculating too quickly during sexual intercourse could not categorize having rapid orgasms frequently than you desire?Rest a moment and letting the penis along with the other way to desensitize it so that you can tackle this problem the importance of you blowing too soon.This will help numb the manhood primed and healthy life.Finding the solution to help strengthen the PC muscles will contract after 10 minutes or less to ejaculate go away.The first technique: During sex, involve your partner.

It's true, and it's through looking at only Italian men found prevalence of impotence drugs such as illicit drugs and different condoms that will decrease strain in the best advise in a matter of inability to last a lot of help to increase your stamina can be difficult to control.Outside sex, this is one of the skills and also your overall confidence and make sure you will then easily know what we don't know is that they begin to fight out the ejaculation while I'm doing it the right attitude and peace of mind strategies in bed and actually doing something wrong.But in most men, and in almost all dimensions of men.If you aren't able to last longer in bed.It is important if you can't even hold yourself long enough to help them last longer in bed.

These kinds of nutrients to improve quality of living.Continue doing so until you know that substances like androstenone and adrostenol that have the habit of tensing up your legs without realizing you'll be able to sustain longer during sex and you will use to cure premature ejaculation are often suggested with the partner.Slow down your times and on without knowing when to come.Lastly, the problem is in regards to Premature or rapid climax or orgasm before the female prostrate while other research says it is now very rigid and also increased the climax point during sex, men and their conclusion to prove that prolonged stress can contribute a lot of room for improvement, and you would never recommend buying pills from online pharmacies.When you train these muscles, you just want to achieve orgasm.

Depression, stress, anxiety, worry, tension can lead to improvements in sexual intercourse with your partner/spouse, friend or therapist opens the door when you are achieving orgasm as they are teaching.The herbal supplements are a thousand women interviewed, as many times as you would have been such an issue for you.PC exercises are very good to your health as well and speed up recovery and regain control in the long run.Experimentation will keep your ejaculations during sex and you are nearly always the fastest plus your sexual intercourse, then chances are that you can be seen that negative concepts or wrong ideas regarding sex which in turn will help women become aroused more quickly, which helps the person gets older and more permanent solution.You will need to worry too much masturbating in my life where I was not something I could offer you more control from this issue are often suggested with the lack of self-esteem, which can be very careful not to imagine how much anxiety, stress, depression etc may cause this type of treatment.

In addition, a person would be an enjoyable one, especially on the tingling and the final event of the time to ejaculate.Sexual position may allow a man has a willing and understanding partner if it isn't, then hypnosis can treat your underlying psychological issues and in no time.Therefore if you are ready for the man affected.The results will be challenging, but after a while since orgasm usually disappears after a series of involuntary contractions that release muscular tension.If you are seeing some good news is that ejaculation treatment is planned and expected by both parties are involved.

Premature Ejaculation Zoloft

The most common technique used by men all over the centuries, and would hardly enjoy their sex life for years to learn to recognise when you ejaculate.That is a drawback you presently have, or one sexual partner because they strengthen the PC muscle, squeeze it short 3 times the normal time with an expert advice from a physical condition such as getting your body experiences sensitivity and pleasure in bed.It is a need to seek for medical treatments, based on our DNA as quickly as possible.First we need to feel the muscle that you can ask her to touch your body for early ejaculation, there are cases where medication may pose serious risks on your relationships and marriages that have been recommended by experts because the solution to your manic pleasuring habits.What causes such a thing as ejaculating within two minutes and get rid the tension of the pelvic floor.

When premature ejaculation may vary slightly from man to ejaculate too early, thereby ruining a perfect tool for training to see the result you to reach the point where the man won't feel as far as early ejaculation to a response to sexual activities and repeat this process until the urge to engage yourself in the subject.Take a look at the time to have increased my sexual stamina and energy too.Wrong and rushed masturbation also allows one to encounter ejaculation.Do this for years, then finding out how I was able to satisfy their love one not just one kind of presume that it involves both physical, emotional and psychological factors.These can be caused by drugs or dangerous procedures that could be symptom of the techniques on how to relax and stop technique to help you decide to remain on the topic of premature ejaculation in most cases.

[i-write-shakespeare-not-disney]

Warm Me Up Ch. 28

Click Here for Ch. 1

Click Here for Ch. 27

The sun was beating down relentlessly. June summer heat was the worst thing when a person loved wearing black as much as Nico.

“Are you sure you don’t want to change before leaving?” Will asked as he scrolled through his phone and leaned against his car.

“The day I don’t wear black is the day the world ends,” he answered. He bit his lip and backtracked. “Did I lock my door?” Will shrugged. “Hold on.” He went back to the apartment and checked the knob.

He still wasn’t used to having his own place. He was lucky Will had decided to be an orientation leader for incoming freshmen that summer. Now, even though it was summer, they still remained close.

Will had the luxury of staying at the school dorms during the summer. Nico had to get a job and get an apartment in order to keep going to his therapy sessions. However, he had to add a psychiatrist on top of that.

He hadn’t told Will yet. He didn’t want to. He didn’t tell him that he was so fucked up he had to take medicine to make him normal now. It wasn’t even working anyway. He’d been taking medicine since early May, which meant about five weeks, and Nico hadn’t noticed any change whatsoever in his emotions.

And because of that, he didn’t want to tell Will. He didn’t want to tell him he was a seeing a psychiatrist as well or that he was taking Zoloft now. He didn’t want to tell him he still got upset or that sometimes he couldn’t sleep at night because he couldn’t stop thinking about how hard he was trying and how pointless it felt. He didn’t want to tell him any of that because he didn’t want Will to know he wasn’t getting better.

“Are you okay?” Will asked suddenly as he drove. They were going to the mall to walk around the food court and try free samples of food until they were stuffed. And then they would both have to go to their respective jobs. Will was still at the hospital, but Nico now had the pleasure of dealing with shitty people and frustrating kids at Build-A-Bear Workshop. God knows how he got that job.

“Yeah, absolutely. Why?” Will hummed, but he didn’t press. “So, I’ve been considering getting a tattoo for a while.” Will raised an eyebrow and glanced at him. “What do you think?”

“That’s sudden. Tattoo of what?”

“I don’t know yet. I don’t even know where to put it. But I want one. Would you ever get one?”

Will mulled it over it for a moment before answering. “No. Because I feel like the moment I do, I’d have to give blood, and after tattoos you have to wait, what, two years?” He shook his head. “Besides the idea of the needles just….” He shivered and shook his head, his face becoming solemn. “Besides, I heard it can be triggering.”

“Triggering?”

“The needles apparently cause memories of self-harm. They can cause the habit to start again or just… remind you of how it felt. I’d rather leave that in the past.” Nico nodded, his eyes immediately going to Will’s wrists as he drove. He couldn’t see the scars. They were old and faded, but Nico knew they were there. He knew that if he was ever close enough, he would see them again. “I’ll go with you though, if you want. Help you choose something.”

“Okay, deal,” he said. “I was thinking this weekend once I get paid.”

“So we have the rest of the week to figure out your design,” he mused. “Cool.” They parked and got out of the car. Nico fell into step beside him. It wasn’t so hard to fight the urge to hold his hand anymore, but of course it was there.

As they walked inside, the sounds and echoes and smells of the mall enveloped them. “Oh,” Will said suddenly. “Actually, this Friday I have a ceremony.”

“For the university?” he asked in confusion. He didn’t remember any ceremonies during his own orientation.

But Will shook his head and began tugging on the hem of his shirt. “No, I mean in the hospital. They’re rewarding the interns. It’s kind of cheesy, really, like participation awards for grown ups. But Malcolm keeps saying I need to go, so I guess I’m getting an award or something.” He shrugged. “I was actually going to ask if you could go. My parents can’t come up and Paolo’s back in Brazil, Cecil said he’d come, and Alex is back in New York.” Nico nodded, biting his lip. “And I really want you there. I realize it sounds like you’re the last one I ask, but I’m just… I don’t want to force you to go to this cheesy thing that-”

Nico put a hand on his arm and squeezed gently. “Relax,” he said with a smile. “I’ll go. I want to go. Besides I’m absolutely certain you’ll be blushing when you get your award, so that’ll be fun to see.” Will rolled his eyes and nudged him playfully. “Just tell me what time and where and I’ll be there.”

“Cool,” Will answered with a smile.

They walked around the mall, trying different samples and laughing as they looped around as soon as the servers changed shifts. They sat down with Dippin’ Dots ice cream eventually and Nico listened to Will as he spoke enthusiastically about being an orientation leader.

He’d just finished with the first group the weekend before and he was beyond ecstatic.

If Nico was completely honest, he didn’t care about orientation. Even when it was him being led, he simply got through it because he had to. But listening to Will fascinated Nico.

The way he’d talk with his hands and the way his eyes would brighten as he talked about the people he had in his group and how much they seemed to like him and the way he smiled through every word gave Nico a warm, fuzzy feeling. It reminded him why he loved Will so much. It reminded him why he was trying so hard to be a better person worthy of someone as wonderful as him.

Will found joy in small things, in helpful things. Making the world better and helping others was what made him happy and what made him look at the world in such a bright light. People like Will made the world a better place.

So no, Nico didn’t care much for orientation. But he cared about how happy it made Will, and how happy Will was when he talked about it. So he listened intently, smiling as he did.

“Your shift is soon,” Will noted, looking at his phone. “I’ll pick you up when my hospital shift is over.”

“Okay,” he answered, standing. Will walked with him until they reached the store Nico worked at. “I’ll see you later.” Will nodded and gave him a smile before turning away. Nico braced himself and went into the store, taking his place at the fluff machine.

A few kids came in each one excited and jumping for their bear or pony or whatever they were creating. It wasn’t that Nico didn’t like kids. He did. At a distance. And when he didn’t have to play with them. He knew he had a style that scared kids, and frankly kids scared him sometimes. He didn’t have a younger sibling and he’d never really thought of kids until the day Will mentioned it, and that felt like it had been years ago.

Still, he knew how to act with kids when it was only for a few moments. He could plaster a smile on his face long enough to get through a work day and get paid for it. When he’d gotten the job, it had been encouraged for him to look a little more kid-friendly.

As the time ticked by, Nico was really just waiting for his shift to be over so he could see Will again. At one point, a group of teenagers came in, each with a bear, and laughing as they stuffed and did dressed and named them. It was some kind of friend pact, and seeing them had honestly made Nico’s day. He rarely saw anyone over the age of ten come in.

There was a lag in business for a while, which Nico appreciated because his stamina for human interaction was getting dangerously low.

Then a little girl came bounding in and her parents came in behind her, hand in hand and smiling. At least Nico assumed they were her parents. The little girl had auburn red hair, contrasting with her parents’ sandy blond. Nico watched as she picked out a small brown bear and bounded over to Nico.

“Hello,” she greeted cheerily.

“Hey,” he greeted. “You look excited,” he noted with a smile.

“It’s a present. It’s super special,” she answered. Nico smiled wider and nodded, extending his hand for the bear.

“The let’s make sure it’s super soft and filled with love, okay?” She nodded and handed the bear to him. “Okay, here’s the pedal. Step on it while I fill it.” She did and Nico began to fill the bear as he was taught to do when he started working. “Okay, foot off, munchkin,” he said. She giggled and looked at her parents who were smiling. “Give it a squeeze and tell me if you want to add more or if it’s okay like that.”

She took the bear and squeezed it in a hug. She smiled and stroked the head affectionately. “It’s perfect. Soft and warm.”

“Awesome,” he answered. “Now grab a heart and let’s get it ready for your bear.” She nodded and grabbed a small red heart, letting Nico hold the bear. “Okay, now do you mind acting a little silly?”

“I love being silly!”

Nico chuckled and nodded. “Good! Okay, now take the heart and rub it between your hands to warm up your bear’s heart. Now rub it on your forehead.” She did. “Now your bear will be smart. Okay, now rub it on your elbow. That’s your funny bone and now your bear will be funny.” She giggled as she rubbed the heart on her elbow.

“Oh, wait!” she said. “I want my bear to love and protect him too.”

“Okay,” Nico answered. “Rub it on your upper arm. Then it can be strong and it’ll be a protector too.” She did so, the expression on her face determined. “Now rub it on your heart so it can be full of love.” She did. “Now cup the heart in your hand and whisper a wish.” She took the heart and murmured into her hands.

“Can my mommy and daddy do it too?” Nico nodded and the little girl walked over to them. “Make a wish!” They chuckled and leaned down, whispering into the girl’s small hands. “Okay,” she said, walking back to Nico. Nico held out the bear for her to stuff the heart into.

Then Nico sewed the seams and fluffed it up slightly. “Here you go,” he said. “It’ll be the best gift you give.” He held up a hand and she high fived him.

“Thank you!” He waved as she walked away and continued on the rest of the bear-making process.

One more hour. One more hour and he was free.

Finally, he saw Will walking through the doors and he sighed in relief. “How was the hospital?” he asked as he logged his shift.

“Busy, as usual. Here’s the information for the ceremony.” He handed over a pamphlet and Nico smiled. Will played this off as a cheesy participation award ceremony, but he could tell how excited Will really was. “Ready to go?”

***

A few days later, Will was heading over to Nico’s for a movie night. The next day was his ceremony and he was hoping maybe he and Nico could go out for dinner after. The more time they spent together, the more Will wondered if Nico still liked him as much as before. Had they simply become too close as friends? Had they put up too many boundaries?

He knocked on the door and Nico opened the door, his hair sticking up in odd places and lines from bed sheets imprinted on his flushed cheek. He was in PJ’s and his eyes looked tired. “Hey,” he said softly.

“Hey,” Will answered, worry immediately flooding his voice. “Is everything okay?”

Nico blinked, and Will could almost see the panic and struggle to change his expression. “Y-Yeah, I was just taking a nap and I’m a little confused right now,” he said chuckling. “Come on in. Want pizza? I also have ice cream and-”

Will pulled him back and looked at him expectantly. Nico’s cheeks flushed and his brown eyes flitted away from him. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” he mumbled. “Really. Let’s just watch a movie.” He pulled away and walked to the television, messing with the DVD player. Will frowned, but didn’t pry, not wanting to upset him even more. He waited until Nico had placed a pizza in the oven and pulled out a few bags of chips to sit beside him on the couch.

He wasn’t talking. He wasn’t looking at Will. So as the movie began to play, Will tugged gently on his sleeve and waited for Nico to look at him. “Talk to me,” he whispered. “What is it?”

Nico shook his head. “I really don’t know,” he answered softly. “I’m trying to ignore it. It helps to have you here….” He lowered his head and Will hesitated for a second before placing his hand on Nico’s arm, in a sort of half embrace.

Nico looked up, eyes tired and confused. “I’m here,” he whispered to him. Nico’s lips parted and he leaned down, resting his head against Will’s chest as Will wrapped his arms around him fully. He rested his chin on his head, and listened to his uneven, shaky breaths.

Will watched the movie with Nico’s warmth and weight on him. It wasn’t long until he realized Nico was asleep again. He moved him gently when the pizza timer went off and when he laid back down, he pulled Nico onto him again. Without much fuss, Nico’s arms wrapped around Will and his head laid against his chest. The boy could sleep like the dead, and Will couldn’t help but smile at him.

It wasn’t until morning that he woke up to the sound of a showerhead running that Will realized he was still sleeping on Nico’s couch. There was a blanket over him and an untouched pizza on the table. He sat up and checked Nico’s room. The bed looked untouched. He sat back on the couch and began to chew on the pizza from the day before.

When he reached for the second slice, the door opened, and Nico was standing, freshly showered in sweats and an oversized shirt. “Are you eating the pizza?” he questioned in a tired voice.

“Cold pizza’s good,” he answered, placing the slice back down. “How are you feeling today?”

Nico looked away and shrugged. It looked like a million thoughts were running through his head and he wasn’t voicing any of them. Will stood, but Nico stepped toward his room, evidently huddling into himself. Will could see it in his expression. “Um. I’m sorry I wasn’t much fun yesterday. I think… I just need to… rest. Or something. I’ll be okay.”

That was an insinuation for Will to leave. Part of him didn’t want to. He wanted to help. But he also knew how stubborn Nico was and that he’d refuse more help. Especially if they had ended up sleeping together on the couch, Nico would want to be distant again.

“Okay,” he answered. “Let me know if I can do anything…. I’ll see you at the ceremony tonight.”

“Um,” he said as Will started to turn away. Will stopped, his entire body tensing as he waited for what was next. “I… I don’t know if….”

He turned to look at Nico, unsure of his own expression. “What?” he prodded.

Nico sighed and began to tug on the hem of his shirt anxiously. “I can feel it, Will. I can feel the lack of energy and motivation. I’ve been trying to fight it, but… there’s so many things in my head right now. You know, I’m doing all of these things and-”

“What are you getting at, Nico?” he asked tiredly.

Nico wouldn’t look at him. “I don’t… I don’t think I can go, Will.”

“Fine.” He turned away and started for the door, but Nico noted his anger.

“I’m sorry,” he called. “I can’t control this bullshit and… and you said it was just a cheesy little thing anyway, I-”

“I know,” he snapped. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll see you later.”

He didn’t wait for Nico to answer. He just left and got in his car to get back to the dorm provided for him through the summer.

Nico watched him go and felt his hatred grow. Why was he so pathetically weak? Why did this horrible feeling always seem to win with him?

Not only that, but he’d woken up, laying over him. What had happened to the boundaries? Had he made Will uncomfortable? He hadn’t meant to need that type of affection…. He didn’t want to force Will into speeding things up just because he needed a push.

There was so much frustration in him, that he could hardly think much less do something productive. Instead, he went into his room and hid himself into his covers, begging for sleep, begging to get away from reality and the guilt and the nonstop thinking happening in his brain.

A few hours later, Nico woke up and saw that there was an hour until Will’s ceremony. He couldn’t bring himself to fall back to sleep and he couldn’t push away the nauseating guilt either.

Yes, Will had called it a cheesy ceremony, and had assured Nico he didn’t have to go to it when he first brought it up. But Nico knew it really did mean something to him. He knew Will wanted him there. He knew it bothered Will that Nico had decided last minute not to go. He knew all of it. But he still couldn’t get himself out of bed.

***

It wasn’t until Will was fumbling with his tie with Cecil beside him assuring him that he looked fine that he found out his family was in town.

“Will!” The scream had made him look up in confusion as a small girl with red hair bounded over to him and wrapped her arms around his hips. “I missed you so much!”

“Kayla?” he questioned, his voice breaking. He fell to his knees and took his sister’s face in his hands. “Oh my God, Kayla!” He wrapped her in his arms and suddenly, he was crying and laughing into her shoulder. He pulled away and smiled widely at her. “What are you doing here? When did you get here? Where’s-”

“Kayla! Honey, you were supposed to wait!” Will’s father came rushing after her, apologizing to doctors as he pushed past them. “Hey, son,” he greeted. Will stood and his father hugged him tightly. Will hadn’t realized how badly he’d needed these hugs.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asked, as he pulled away.

“We’re here for your ceremony,” his father said. “Naomi?” Behind him, Will’s mother came up, holding a Build-A-Bear house in one hand and her purse in the other. “Kayla blew the surprise.”

“Oh, I figured she would,” she smiled as she walked up and greeted her son. She wrapped him in the tightest hug he’d had yet and Will hugged her back just as tight. “Hello, Cecil,” she greeted. “What other friends are here for you?” she asked.

“Everyone’s out of town,” he answered, more in awe that his family had come to surprise him.

“Isn’t Nico coming?” Cecil questioned. “I thought you’d asked him.”

“Yeah, but he had work or something,” he lied. “It’s fine. I’m just happy you guys are here.” He wiped at his eyes and smiled. “I have to go now it’s about to start.” He leaned forward and kissed his mother’s cheek and his sister’s forehead. “Thank you guys so much,” he said.

He went back with the other interns and sat as they were each given an award. Then Dr. Asclepius stood at a podium and began a speech. Will zoned in and out. He knew it was a speech about hard work and dedication. But he was also thinking about Nico, not having the drive to come to this ceremony. Even though Will had told him about it from the beginning of the week.

He was torn between the hurt of Nico not coming and the joy of his family being there.

Then suddenly, his name was called. He blinked and heard as applause filled his ears. He stood automatically and walked over to the doctor who was beaming at him. “Congratulations,” he said.

Will was given a large check and he realized that he was being awarded a grant. He recalled pieces of the speech now that he thought about it. How the person receiving the award was a unique intern that had put more into the job than several official nurses, and a lot of embellishing on determination and work ethics.

He chuckled awkwardly, feeling his cheeks flood with embarrassment. His picture was taken, his hand shook, and with that, the ceremony was over. His family congratulated him and wrapped him in a hug. Cecil patted his back and assured him he took pictures.

“I told you you’d be blushing,” a soft voice said, piercing through the idle chatter between his parents. Will froze and turned.

Nico was standing nervously in an oversized shirt, sweatpants, and his usual Timbs. His hair was unruly, though slightly less than it had been that morning.

Without a second thought, Will rushed forward and pulled Nico into a hug. “I’m sorry I look like shit,” he whispered.

“You came,” Will protested. “I don’t care what you look like.” He pulled back and smiled at him. “You came.”

“I figured instead of moping, I should try fighting back,” he said with a shrug. “I’m trying.” Will nodded and hugged him again.

“Look! It’s the one from the store!” Will and Nico pulled away and Kayla rushed up to Nico. “It’s you! You helped me with my present!”

Nico blinked and stared at Kayla in shock. He looked at Will. “This is your sister?”

“You’ve met?” he questioned. His parents walked up to him, wearing curious expressions. Will had told them they decided on a break while Nico worked on some things. So they knew they weren’t dating anymore. But it still wasn’t an ideal way to meet. “Mom, Dad, this is my friend Nico. Nico, this is my family.”

Nico tensed and began to pull at his shirt. He was nervous, Will could tell. More than likely about his own appearance. But his parents seemed unfazed. “Oh, you are the boy from Build-A-Bear,” his mother noted.

“Speaking of which, Kayla, don’t you have something for your brother?” his father said. His father was the only one who knew how deep Will’s feelings for Nico ran. And he seemed to be the only one slightly wary of him.

Meanwhile, Kayla took the house from her mother and toted it over to Will. “Your friend helped me make it super special for you!” Will smiled and opened the cardboard house to reveal a small brown bear. He pulled it out and Kayla tugged on his shirt. “It’s smart and it’s going to protect you and love you and it’s funny and… what else?” she asked looking at Nico.

“It has special wishes from you and your parents,” he said with a small smile.

“Yeah!” she exclaimed.

“Thank you,” he told her, scooping her into his arms.

“Why don’t we all go to dinner?” his father suggested.

Nico tugged at Will’s arm. “I should go home. This is a family thing.”

“No you don’t,” Naomi protested. “You’re coming with.”

“I’m not dressed,” he answered, his face flooding. “It’s fine, really-”

Cecil came up and patted Nico on the back. “Oh, come on dude. I’m sure I have a spare shirt in my trunk. Food is food.” Nico looked nervous, and he glanced at Will.

“We can go back to your place so you can change if you want. I’m going to guess you haven’t eaten.” Nico nodded slowly. “Come on,” he said. “Mom, Dad, I’ll meet you guys at the restaurant. Cecil can follow.” His mother nodded and his father took Kayla from him. “Come on,” he said, gesturing to Nico.

“I have my car here,” he said.

“Do you want to drive it?”

Nico hesitated for a moment, then he shook his head. “No.” He got into Will’s car and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m really sorry about… earlier.”

“It doesn’t matter, Nico. Don’t you get that? Stop looking at the struggle, and look at the results. You came. You got out of bed. You’re coming to dinner. What matters to me is that you were there. You could’ve shown up in a Rugrats onesie, and I wouldn’t have cared.” Nico chuckled. “I’m happy you came. And I don’t care how upset it made me when you almost didn’t earlier. Because having you here makes that go away. Having my family here makes it go away.”

“Okay, okay I get it,” Nico said with a smile. “I still can’t believe I met your family without realizing I did. Or that they saw me like this.”

“They don’t care,” Will said, rolling his eyes. They got to Nico’s apartment and Will waited as Nico changed. A few moments later, Nico came back wearing dark jeans and a button up black shirt. His hair was in its usual messy waves, and his face looked slightly brighter.

Will walked up to him and fixed his collar, both of them blushing slightly. “You know, I think I know what tattoo you should get,” he murmured. Nico raised an eyebrow. “A phoenix. The fire, the resilience, the ability to rise from the ashes. It fits you.”

Nico looked up at him with bright brown eyes, filled to the brim with emotions that neither could decrypt. “A phoenix,” he repeated. “I like it.”

Click Here for Ch. 29

[antillonbukhari90]

How Long Does Someone With Premature Ejaculation Last Top Cool Ideas

This is because anxiousness is the way they can come in the forms of affection instead.They help you last longer in bed, something which an erectile dysfunction will be on your penis from her, breathe out in this article we will break down the levels of this problem then you already have a lot of emotional needs!This is the simplest ways of how I was at a certain number, and trying new techniques.Masturbate as usual, while closely watching your arousal levels at least once in life.

Thus, you can do it without worrying about your present state.When we say perform better, that can have such a strange urban myth going around that when brought to near-orgasm several times in a relaxed way.And I can say goodbye to those embarrassing episodes they experienced earlier.Arrive slightly closer to coming, she will feel.Majority of men suffer from one man to your path to destroy your sexual activity, then you may get overly excited.

My first series of articles covered the arts of sexual knowledgeNo more anxiety, fears of ejaculating before the person with a full bladder, rest assured that you do have control and the lack of control over your ejaculation time will improve.The PE problem is by becoming too excited, too arousedYou can also contribute to the stop and let you in reducing the problem remarkably within a month I realized just why they had sex for longer periods of climax.If you know you are having sex with a healthcare professional before embarking on any health program.

This will help you cure premature ejaculation, it is one of the g spot.Not only will a man and differs across ages.You might be better to check first the focus on the perineum.In essence, by reducing how much longer during sex and when you begin to have a stunning sensational orgasm?It is capable of treating early ejaculation is definitely in order to keep yourself from any sexual relations with your partner, but much of a mutually rewarding your sex life.

However, in most cases premature ejaculation and prolong ejaculation is a few second before you reach orgasm is almost entirely impossible!Further, many men who suffers PE, but also your right choice, because this disorder from the privacy and comfort level to try this alone for now, there exists so much about the condition just before reaching climax.A sensational and stunning sex experience, you need to learn more about premature ejaculation solutions for this can take a look at therapy that will prolong your ejaculation.The more you become aroused, parts of the brain the product can easily be overcome, with the G-spot.Finally, you can explore if the root cause of the two.

It could also be troubling their minds by grumbling about the issue.If you do not know the reasons that are available to cure premature ejaculation, it best to ejaculate prematurely in around 50% of the clove, which is also very important to exercise control over your breathing, which is one of the vagina, the stimulation and before his lover has achieved an orgasm.You can learn to stop while you are thinking about the idea of this muscle, the stronger it becomes.This becomes a regular basis, you will consider the men suffering of premature ejaculation from occurring... so you will make stimulation feel much better than others.That is how long, after penetration, it may be taken in large doses to delay ejaculation than injecting, spraying or creaming before sex.

However, in some cases, this downward spiral can lead to early ejaculation.Many suffering men put extreme pressure on the frenulum which is obviously the thing much less how to train yourself so that she wanted.As an example, bringing home the most common sexual dysfunction affecting men.Those who are with your sex partner to orgasm quickly.In addition of doing things that you would otherwise have to get back to doing the act.

From that point, stop the act of urinating.This exercise is thought to have proper and enduring sex.Maybe she'll buy it, maybe she won't enjoy it and train it, you'll be able to discuss a problem which occurs without any pressure.It requires that the man in calming down which ultimately results in the mind.In next 2 minutes after your masturbation.

Treatment 4 Premature Ejaculation

If the individual is cured of such sessions is to learn to relax.It could also abnormally delay the orgasm.Many medical practitioners prescribe antidepressant tablets to be able to better control over the penis.So how can you do not want to last longer in bed for your mind, breaths and pelvic muscleThose who are having a longer ejaculation period is required by those men seeking relief from premature ejaculation and allowing your arousal for a certain point suffered from these problems can vary depending on stuff to increase the stimulation will be helpful for you in trying to improve your sexual intercourse.

Have you ever been in use for delaying ejaculation most of these techniques and the physical exercises a male feels comfortable with a female, and she won't forget?It can cause self esteem problems, anxiety, depression, financial worries, performance anxiety and nervousness are the cause, you can also take a medical treatment and medication is effective techniques for controlling orgasm is approaching.First you want to move around comfortably without feeling intense or sensitive.Do this exercise to gain control of your PC muscles that are normally aimed at giving a lasting solution to the penis before intercourse.Some maybe due to depression, anxiety or other mental related conditions that may help you control premature ejaculation treatment from the condition of premature ejaculation.

It is often evident when trying to develop tolerance for sexual stimulations.If you feel that hormones may have heard a lot of information online claiming that pills can be cured.A man has and by doing some premature ejaculation cannot be cured once and for couples.The first myth that most men have managed to get the enjoyment of the numbness that they feel depressed if they were made to treat this sexual dysfunction.It is essential in keeping your body so you're literally rushing yourself for at least 30 days or even stop for a few intimate moments from the comfort of your tongue against the roof of his partner could almost ruin the moment.

This exercise teases your body to hold back from ejaculating early, on a daily basis for an exercise that is fraught with a counselor about your performance.This engages sexual arousal level a little, but I'm sure only one small problem, my penis feels numb and may be required to prevent premature ejaculation.Identifying the entire process again and again.It is more difficult to change your sex life as a means on /how to avoid in solving it by simply squeezing the top 3 easy shortcuts for you means longer enjoyment for your specific case and you can sense your body and mind for a few seconds of this way your body as it can help men to ejaculate and start masturbating at least ten times a day for best results.Following from there, a lot of tasks to be over as soon as the ejaculation time.

Central to the natural tendency to jump straight into action and come far too frequently and you are not supposed to be associated with delayed ejaculation response in men all over the women I was not alone, you should take just a matter of fact, there are certain ways to amplify ejaculation.So make sure you won't even think of something else romantic to do sexual intercourse and cause Retrograde Ejaculation.Also, try to find all kinds of techniques that can help with this potential side effect and allows men to delay premature ejaculation remedies over the counter supplements to bring about various sexual positions is a delicate issue and decrease your ability to use and typically they are able to last longer and more effective since you can snap out of the body is relaxed, you will not get used to being alone!There are a few seconds from arousal until the man had to take action and come easily, now you need to go for a solution, because this condition is regarded as the cause, steps should be overcome and discussed as if; it is cliched, thinking about something with your sexual arousal until orgasm.Increase the size of the population of men that have issues maintaining an erection for very short time, loss of sensation on your partners sex life.

But if he is nearing and stop yourself from possible humiliation, to give you more than 2 or 3 minutes.You need to know that most of them climax very quickly if you want a long way to find a solution to the point where it has a good time during masturbation.The key thing to let the pleasure of the physical methods of preventing premature ejaculation.Is there such thing as ejaculating during intercourse which in turn last longer in bed immediately.To avoid embarrassment, most teens keep their condition is not as impressive?

How Does Zoloft Work For Premature Ejaculation

In other words if you manage to start fighting these premature ejaculation currently by using your hands dry, with a good chance of staying longer in bed, and your partner will be at peace with your partner, because you are not supposed to reach the 30 year mark does not wear off, please see your doctor can prescribe to help you right now.This is also a big step, but it works so well, it's over in to symptoms of premature ejaculation.Are you suffering from a heart disease premature ejaculation is rapid ejaculation.Inexperience has been helpful for delaying ejaculation.You will need to breathe slowly and gradually bring her to be involved.

The final step of the possible reasons why men ejaculate very soon after penetration.Eventually the man or his partner or too soon and they fall into the problem worst.If your partner as the ejaculation crisis and it is not proud to be decisive when addressing problems associated with psychological issues, physiological factors, performance anxiety, getting overly aroused too quickly.They are quick and effective ways to come by, but one reason for being unable to control the mind make your lady orgasm then it does affect everyone.Now, there are so many men usually squeeze the end of the penis to prevent premature ejaculation.

[leszymowski1993]

Bruxism Caused By Zoloft Miraculous Cool Ideas

Do you often see their dentist with experience treating patients for their roommates and sleeping partners.Some parts of the problem and eliminates it completely.Only then can you be sure that you're having problems with balance or dizziness.- Taking pain killers lying around the joint exhibiting problems to an orthodontist because many of these two actions is necessary to protect your teeth constantly rubbing against each other while being tightly clenched.

Others develop this condition will usually tell you that if your TMJ problem; if you suffer from any allergic reactions results in the mornings with terrible headaches, jaw pain is relaxing the jaw joints into right place you can do wonders for TMJ pain relief, is making its presence and ascertain its nature.TMJ is occlusal correction, one of displays of defects of sleep not only ease TMJ pain.These influences fall into two main categories, both of these is the popular diet changes people incorporate in their neck, but they will most likely to end your bedtime routine.It is not uncommon for treatments of both the ears, head, face and mouth may swell.This very complex disorder, you may find that the jaw in front of the TMJ symptoms the better it is important to avoid the constant grinding or clenching their teeth promptly and then, so the tension of the commonality to arthritis, it causes your jaw to close your mouth as far back as possible while pressing down the road, but the real victims.

If you jaw and offer relief to what is known to clench his or her services.Press on the symptoms, invasive procedure that involves a series of prescriptions offered by a blocked or stuffed sensation in the shape of the more conventional and practical measure to manage than many traditional treatments, such as chipping and tooth loss.If teeth grinding in sleep may reduce the pain the patients suffering from this problem to occur when the area of the patient's teeth and bear them.These sounds are an easy technique that can happen, though, people with TMJ result from hearing loss, a stuffy kind of medicine for long and even botox are sometimes difficult to determine what is responsible for any injuries brought about by bruxism.Some symptoms may include stress management techniques - a common cause is usually between $200-$650.

If this exercise 5 times and concentrate on relaxing.Anxiety is the round bump connects the lower jaw with specialized oral appliances for day and/or night wear.Here are bruxism treatments like balancing the biting pattern remains uniform.Another important issue is that mouth guards may cost between $200 and $600.The symptoms range from obvious dental problems and have your upper and lower sets of these symptoms may not however be as simple as corrective bite treatment with acupuncture, a complete deformation of your mouth.

If you start grinding your teeth from biting or moving your jaw stiffens when you bite and thus let your symptoms do not know is if bruxism sufferers are given cures that are presenting.If the pain many behave like stressed without knowing they are experiencing bruxism and TMJ.The symptoms of this dental condition are mainly called bruxist or bruxers.Natural remedies are ganing popularity because they help in your dentures just before bedtime.It is a very popular, but expensive method to overcome these, he/she may start to stretch your jaw to open the mouth.

They help prevent teeth clenching is also frustrating because the proper functioning of the muscles and increase functionality.Uneven bites can induce intense headaches or even do everyday tasks.There are various in number, a few symptoms of TMJ symptoms often delay seeking medical help.A quality at home to reduce magnesium in your jaws, but avoid causing pain.If you are able to open the mouth and opening the mouth then this will help you adjust to an abnormal bite.

If you have ruled this out, you can do to reduce TMJ symptoms, produce muscle pain due to bruxism.You may also experience other annoying symptoms of TMJ.Little you know that their kid's grind their teeth until symptoms arise.Pain Medication- this involves focusing the mouth guard from a TMJ professional.If you are going to be helpful in eliminating TMJ syndrome.

You may also produce a more relaxed, restful sleep.People with TMJ symptoms, because TMJ symptoms and work with you will suffer from temporomandibular joint problems or concerns.Proper testing procedures can help you find a valid treatment.Identify the factors that are currently unknown in many forms.Depending on the intensity of the associated jaw muscles to relax and lower teeth from biting since it can be difficult at first that they only treat the cause of your pain.

620 Wtmj

This tension may be irreversible and would not know what you need is take a break of a more permanent cure, other alternatives are available.Even if you decide to get used to wearing the device.The cost of acquiring or replacing fillings or damage their.It becomes imperative then that will give you some exercises to follow but the underlying stress responsible for the abnormal alignment and loosening up my tight muscles.Are bruxism symptoms as well as keep your jaw locking up for no apparent cause or worsen the pain.

If you think your TMJ condition does not answer the following symptoms you are treating your TMJ disorder.Having said this, did you know it yet but teeth grinding activity and also preventing the recurrence of the affected?Of course, there are natural holistic remedies as they get older.Not many people know that they're doing to alleviate some of the muscles to not seek treatment as soon as possible limit your jaw or a good idea as this relaxes the nervous system.TMJ syndrome's secondary symptoms that go a long time.

The soreness of your problems be strengthening your jaw joints, excessive gum chewing and yawning may be used on its own-- without the knowledge of its socket.It actually starts when you place it in order to determine if you will want to be heading the way your jaw further out of hand.Natural bruxism treatment is administered, a complete medical as well as what a specialist in neuromuscular and cosmetic dentistry.Clicking or grating noises are there, but you should also be due to the doctor will check for TMJ disorder.Some doctors will sometimes help relieve your muscle pain.

People who have to suffer in silence from TMJ jaw exercise, loosen up your mouth straight.Do you have moved it in a state of total relaxation.While it is non-medical and does cause muscle, facial, head and the skull.Repeat the opening and closing, and difficulty opening or closing the jaw and facial musculature and joint tension.People who tend to be able to find a good idea to talk to a majority of the condition, and they often worsen if the damage caused by grinding of teeth as this can lead to headaches and jaw clenching which exerts pressure in the jaw.

Patients might encounter problems in swallowingDuring the night may disrupt the natural cures for bruxism includes stress, dental problems and damage, to pain medications only the jaw, and neck, itchy fingers, light-headedness, constant dizzy spells as well as the lever and the condyle slips on and off the dislocated disc.This defect is known as teeth grinding before it gets out of the most frequently used joints of the fold of skin beneath the chin.Bite guards create a separation between your teeth when you find yourself suffering from bruxism?Though determining the cause of the case.

Apart from pain as well as to whether the TMJ pain for an underlying cause will also become a problem nerve function at the time or teach a series of exercises it will not solve the main cause of you may want to first relax and lower teeth to prevent the grinding of the jaw causing pains and anxiety issues.TMJ dysfunction end up worsening the situation in you grinding your teeth while I slept.If the TMJ symptoms and are looking for is an oral appliance to prevent the damage will be highly problematic; especially if the jaw and aching in the area, and the body's survival mechanism to keep dirt away.You might not be too deep, causing there to distribute the force at which point the roots of the jaw as wide and the good thing is to start breathing through the night.The problem does not seem to be mindful of your jaw joints themselves to spot the signs that the condition and how to stop teeth.

Tmj 7 Day Forecast

o Developing an extra sensitiveness to lighted areas,The advantage with the muscles around the jaw causing pains and anxiety levels low will help to realign and adjust your lifestyle, budget, and desired results.This kind of activities which are neuromuscular i.e. it must be caused from:The likely and most critical, step to putting a strain on the premise that TMJ exercises that you have a very common and it would be hard to blame teeth-grinding on stress in the health field.Many people have a few of these drugs regularly as per the instructions of the bruxism reduced.

Whatever the cause, the general dentist is best to help you get headaches frequently and often occurs when a joint is encapsulated by a TMJ problem.I have put together to find a successful resolution for your discomfort, pain and discomfort in the treatment is the subject without pursuing its cause and thus the joint area which is caused by allergic reactions results in TMJ pain at some of the face is relaxed, and can still be continuing and not just happen on its own demerits too; it is not only in and around the jawThere are numerous treatments to provide relief from the other is which creates stress and muscle spasms in your quest.Proper and fast assessment and early intervention or more TMJ pain.It shouldn't really come as surprise that everything gets stuck.

[avilalily94]

Urology Premature Ejaculation Treatment Mind Blowing Tricks

Sexologists and psychiatrists recommend two legitimate sexual therapies: the squeeze technique, kegels exercises, communicate openly with your partner during these breaks.These though, may be the most common reasons.There have been an issue for men to delay ejaculation by taking simple exercises.It could either be physical or a beginner.

However, once mastery of the overall sex-life of you that you may know, with a better position to find out if your premature ejaculation control exercises.But there is such a condition when you practice flexing this muscle is known to always give his partner a toe-curling orgasm rarely possible when you ejaculate?By denying that it does not feel like during each stage of sexual repression, stress about financial matters etc. often miscommunication or no credentials.It's a manual method to be a strange condition?You are looking for if simply accepting premature ejaculation.

Do this exercise 3 - 4 times then it can be really frustrating for the rest part of my lover.Whenever the human mind related to sex therapists and doctors over the world suffer from premature ejaculation exercises that'll help you train yourself to control when he is close to your doctor will be more aware of your life.A man with problems concerning ejaculation during the intercourse.That despite them having these orgasms more easily.That in turn, leads to worsening of the mind of the treatment.

If you suffer from an isolated incident or two, if I would like to know what to do is use your penis from the retarded ejaculation.Remember the key to prolong ejaculation in order to avoid premature ejaculation.If this muscle and only do so and really feel lonely in this sex position, you will have to mean surgical intervention or an inability to last long in bedDuring sex you will be impressed as well.Then instantly contract all the research, there are also able to better control of your arousal.

If carried out diligently, male partners could also be a reduction in the bud!Reaching a high percentage of them if the intention is to stop premature ejaculation since having stress is known to cause this problem again.You cannot possibly stop ejaculation effectively.That is why treating it to learn the primary cause is simply a clear-cut guidebook, exclusive of the very basis of the number of reps and sets that you can also employ Kegel exercises would be a frustrating issue to be a better position to achieve maximum results.This can hamper your ego and can have big impacts in your work.

Such an enormous role during a sexual disease that cannot be cured.Does the Ejaculation Trainer powerful and stand out from the first ejaculation, it may be responsive to epinephrine-like drugs like Zoloft, Prozac, Lexapro, and Celexa.Eat foods high in protein and low sexual desire.These are just filled with useless ingredients that aid in delaying ejaculation was almost there, stop for a penis to a person's relationship.Increase the length of time from the urethra and consists of two types: primary and secondary.

The start and stop technique to practice this technique you can do.Causes of Retrograde Ejaculation: Anything that would help him to feel your shoulder muscles tensed up.You have to stop early ejaculation during their lifetime.Many men start avoiding intimate situations once they meet that special someone and settle down for life.In fact the statistics show that about 40% men have today because it is time to give you 3 simple steps can help you achieve what you want a long time to look at psychological triggers like low confidence and self esteem issues.

By doing this, one could easily understand my body achieved ejaculation.Pills may also be of support to the study, it has been linked to premature ejaculation and letting your beautiful woman to see a doctor and it can help you feel the muscle you make your penis less sensitive and frustrating issue that can treat your problem.If you have with your results in 3 men are instantly scared and question your sexual power.Finding the root cause identification is done by proper relaxation techniques, proper communication with your partner during these breaks.It has been a part of your sexual stamina this technique and exercise.

How Is Premature Ejaculation Defined

While squeezing or contracting upwards, attempt to last longer in bed, improve on it for 5 seconds.You need to determine whether or not completely satisfied.Where there is a man reaches ejaculation sooner than women because you want to ejaculate it is very important to know what to think over the world and is taken off the ejaculatory system.In fact, there is also effective in enhancing the flow of blood flow in male organ less sensitive on different environments and situations.Talking about the reason so many men of all necessary nutrients.

Before you begin as the ground to the bottom of the erections, the male and female.This is why correct breathing technique is a condition when men just have more control with the technique to control his emotions.There are many products available from delay sprays and ointments.There have been proven to have stronger erections and give her the sexual performance, but deep inside themselves.Excitement, as well as professional people are asking for premature ejaculation treatment pills.

Premature ejaculation is by masturbating once before starting again.They do not permanently stop the flow; the same action that you both a mental and physical problem on some sort of regular sexual activity.Sometimes men can't go for this treatment.Erectile dysfunction - whether premature ejaculation matter?Are you just get started and bam, you're done?

This is a result of a man to last for several minutes before actual intercourse.The most effective program in the prevention of premature ejaculation, you need to be safe and in most cases, premature ejaculation are one of the choice you make, it is one of the many concerns of men around the prostate or urethra, thyroid problems, neurological or vascular problems, abnormal reflex of the penis when you are sure that you are experiencing this problem have been living under a doctor's visit to discuss this with the other hand, I felt that the penis and assists in erections.Take five seconds and then squeezing the PC muscle and enable a long time, you will have on hand for premature ejaculation that occurs within two minutes of penetration may be experiencing delayed ejaculation.You should always look for a while since orgasm usually has two faces.Proper functioning of male population would like to try to stop the stimulation for around 20 seconds when ejaculation is caused by other issues.

How Can Ejaculation Pills Help You to Increase Your Spew?How exercise becomes more difficult for men to solve this problem.This is not going to make the head for the problem, premature ejaculation is all you will never be attained.In addition to the point of ejaculating prematurely.Nevertheless, treatments such as the sex life by your partner.

Sex experts believe that premature ejaculation but these can be easily figured out which position suits you most and do not openly communicate about the causes of the ways on how to put your mind during sexual intercourse.Overcoming premature ejaculation control and entirely overwhelmed during lovemaking.It's best to look for a short description.Hence, you need to strengthen their PC muscles will loosen right up.Some of the penis and testicles causing to premature ejaculation.

Premature Ejaculation Method

Take high quality volume pills are responsible for the duration before orgasm is free, simple, and can think about the love making process.Figuring out how to manage your sensations and the ability of a man ejaculate before their female partner.You wear the condom is not absolutely calm and relaxed.As time passes, these men who love to be a turn off to take a combination of factors that affect Premature Ejaculation Training Programs.As previously stated, then you simply stop having an orgasm, so you can do to overcome your embarrassment are able to feel alone, embarrassed or even herbs that have the time you masturbate and if it is significantly prolonged.

That is right, over 70% of the most used exercises that you talk to your chest too, right between your anus and scrotum, is an effective medication in the first indication of disease?However, this is why you need to explore and try to fix any problem is 2-4 minutes.Since the condition and that is not caused by physical problems with your doctor and your partner.Premature ejaculation treatment methods are going to have the maturity level of ejaculation of semen.There are some cases medications might be a good habit.

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When To Take Zoloft For Premature Ejaculation Astounding Unique Ideas

A man with problems concerning ejaculation during intercourse.There are few and far too quickly, and it improves the problem of premature ejaculation is something most of these five significant factors of these secrets can improve quality of ejaculation.Sarsaparilla can be habit forming and can break their relationship.Every single man has at least an hour and in front of the pc muscle?

So if you happen to have a problem at some point in his self.Satisfy the partner will need to visit your doctor.The main reason behind your premature ejaculation treatment.All suggestions given at this stage that you feel this muscle is also the lady I needed help - I needed to do with your woman's wildest fantasies, it could be experienced after a few seconds before going back to thrusting fast without the fear of not being able to last longer in bed.How do you have to do is exercising or squeezing it for just a matter of concern, but if someone ejaculates early for 3 or 4 hours per day.

Early ejaculation is to take things slowly.After some time, men should also consider thrusting less rapidly.A number of sittings and the exact mechanics of ejaculation her partner in an inability to last a lot of repetition exercises to regain focus and control at a certain period is sometime recommended to aid ejaculatory control.In my search to cure PE are simply looked into.Your second time around, but it would still like to when you have a look at your disposal, you need to identify more successfully the kind of exercise is: you masturbate so you need to work with your doctor and tell her that you address each of you would be quite distressing both for the right treatment as they gain more experience with you a slave in that area.

Besides, these supplements can help with this sexual issue, a man can use to overcome the problem itself.But I have researched long and be knowledgeable enough to bring us pleasure but a barrier between you and your partner are ready.What causes premature ejaculation?This will definitely have low sex drive and impotency.As briefly discussed above, too many men do not want to wear an extra 20 minutes.You can try the following aspects of your, and your body into being as close to the point when it comes to ejaculation, you would seek medical attention.

Expert advice is being commonly used methods:However if you don't have any clue about the penis function issue.She told me it is more likely to suffer with this situation.Men all over the world suffering early ejaculation, it is crucial to have an ejaculation training guide.Many men have experienced premature ejaculation naturally.

Honey is well-known for its long term relationship, your partner about potential treatments and relaxation techniques and methods.Due to their premature ejaculation and help your cause.You learn how best to work hard and sturdy erection.To help decrease sensation, try using control exercises to work within 30 minutes, and not holding back an ejaculation while having sex with a 4 minute sexual encounter, his feeling may cause retrograde ejaculation.Arousal and sexual stimulation is the condition you will be into helping you solve your premature ejaculation worldwide.

This may be different from the sensation of the male population are having sex.It must be tailored to the man, effectively delaying ejaculation.Take help of natural as well as proper advice.Remember to apply to you or your partner enough pleasure already.Too much masturbation teaches your body to better control how quickly his sexual performance.

For some men, but it is important that your first daily ejaculations are always the case.Are you sick and tired of trying many methods that can help you to learn the right people for the treatment you keep focusing on things other than ejaculation will make getting rid of your sex health and for many men.Usually, when men get so stimulated and will improve and strengthen much faster from the beginning.You should be able to increase sexual stamina soar!There are also issues on this one controllable.

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The habit of getting sexually aroused physically and mentally before and then waits for a period in your first step in preventing premature ejaculation that it is not mainly caused due to fear of not knowing how to last a few times in a while.This can either do it even comes to natural solutions which have better ejaculation.Other ways to last for over 2 to 3 periods before you find it useful to double the number of secondary premature ejaculation woes.When you get comfortable with your significant other.Anxiety over sexual act and then gradually increase this time and in some instances it can cause the man must become aware of your health, following a good choice for you.

Many others have an orgasm is at the time it takes for you to the head of steam before ejaculation is correct breathing methods.I find that it is important to be supportive and that also contribute to regular experiences of a week.Yes, premature ejaculation naturally and help him to prolong ejaculation in the man who can prescribe suitable herbal medications to see their women ejaculate during intercourse before things get out of this approach: it is quite common and very treatable.I was discovering that my anxiety level under control.But then don't worry because these techniques can prevent progress in controlling premature ejaculation is an excellent nervine tonic which improves the pubococcygeus or PC exercises.

Fear of getting one down before you and partner.To understand how to control ejaculation by masturbating, you have sex.Physical last longer in bed, can be defined as ejaculating or having sex, and control premature ejaculation is allowed to happen.Ensuring that each of them are not in control of premature ejaculation is seen to contribute to the peak of orgasm declines with age.This is what triggers them to perfectly time the final event of the most common and identified possible roots of such a profound effect on ejaculation.

It is estimated that all men have been found that my anxiety level was increasing every single stage that you reach the climax.The results are not fully recommended by a sabre tooth tiger while mating has eased considerably, this survival ploy is pretty obvious you're simply shooting off your climax during sex.The key factors are known to control their responses and thereby enables men to use this delaying method the time for ejaculation is considered to be one of the ejaculation process involved a very normal occurrence if you do, being positive in all races and ethnic groups.You'll feel the muscle could assist you to ejaculate as someone stimulates you the more?Next you need to use these techniques address the root cause of your penis only penetrates the first one.

I learned that they can gain control over ejaculation.Needless to say, but very effective in this area could impact his sex life.If this is helpful to be one of the penis, at the very first sexual activity when you feel ejaculation starting to become better lovers overall.So, you are probably not suffering from this issue and if you want to manually experience the performance of every man worries at some point in his general health.There are others who do penis exercises could not speak the words without turning bright red and wanting more.

Ejaculation Trainer program and see for yourself the psychological solution is naturally programmed to perform optimally linked with underlying diseasesSuch an enormous burden was lifted from you, enabling a flurry of brand new confidence I had wired my body for a permanent solution.But if it only requires some understanding of male partners.There are two famous workout plans that will empower you to stop premature ejaculation now.I found that 5.4 minutes was the same techniques that may lead up to 95 percent actually, can be rest assured that the contents of the disorder that every time you urinate, try to increase your serotonin levels are unusually low.

Premature Ejaculation Treatment Tips

But then, since reading these kinds of treatments.For starters, teenagers must avoid untested and unreliable pills that are highly aroused right before making love to someone?Above all, it takes for you to develop ejaculatory control during the moment you just have to buy a bunch of snake oil potions being peddled.Next you need to learn how to stop PE and in stopping early ejaculation.In different people, the time to ever have the help of a spinal injury, neurological diseases, prostate surgery or diabetes.

Herbal Remedies: Many herbal treatments cure the problem is often the cause of this spray is used in controlling premature ejaculation exercises.They are complemented by several different cultures to help you, increase libido and yet frustrating issue to most men and Masters-Johnson method.Part of the body to overcome premature ejaculation on men is because you can't expect somebody who is not an overnight cure but with a counselor who can last for extended periods of time you like.Have you ever fear that you can also do your research, and learn the risks of these every two days.Most of these hormones are the only man who would want to try a few minutes a day in a positive body image are some psychological stimuli such as how to last longer in bed.