#the reason ive been unable to move onto another book is because i keep coming back to read this and Your Voice in Autumn

[deathsweetblossoms]

When scars turn from something abhorred and ugly (mostly in one’s own regard) into something beautiful and interesting just because someone had taken one look at them and decided so.

unconditional as quartz (part of the series sillage) by @thefangirlofhp

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 22 - Not Strong Enough

Masterlist; Chapter 21

Summary: You reunite with Neil aboard the icebreaker. With the tension amping up and the mission nearing it’s finale, you have a difficult time making sense of everything. 

Warnings: angst (yep, loads of it), swearing.

Author’s Notes: Here it is, finally! Know it took me ages, and I’m so sorry for that. Hopefully from now on it won’t be as bad... This one was fun to write since there’s a lot of emotions to go through :)) Hope you’ll enjoy! Let me know what you think!

PS. Now that we’re onto the icebreaker chapters let me just say that I’ve got a lot planned ;) and I’m excited to share it so thank you all who have sticked around <3 

The moment you stepped out of the inversion chambers and into the normal world (well, normal but looking fucked up to you and eight days previously), Ives received the promised further instructions. Get to Trondheim with the local squad, regroup with the reinforcements there, get on board the icebreaker equipped with the inversion technology. At least that was the information you got. Easy. Well, almost, but thankfully nothing seemed to depend on you. Yet. So, you followed the rest of the squad onto the chinook, ignoring the phone that never rang anymore. That was okay. You would not even know what to tell Neil if he called. In less than two hours, you were on military transport to Norway. Again.

In the tense silence of those hours of flight, it was easy to rest. At least you have changed the setting and could focus on stressing about all that was to come instead of the personal matters. Yes, you would have to face Neil and probably work with him as though nothing happened. But the more pressing matter was the potential world ending. For that, you could endure the pain. Focusing on avoiding hyperventilation through the mask, you fell asleep, giving in to the tiredness. When Wheeler shook you awake hours later, you have landed at the base in Trondheim. The icebreaker was supposed to cross by the shore on the next day, leaving the night to be camped out in the military containers on the periphery of the base.

You were lucky to land a spot in the container shared with Wheeler, as she was second in command, and you were still considered ‘precious cargo’. Precious to whom you had no idea. But that did not matter. After a quick meal made up of tin food and weak tea from the thermos, your roommate left for an inspection of the troops and a confab with Ives. You had peace. Taking off the unnecessary layers of clothing, you intended to use the time to curl up under the covers and mope. But it was not meant to be. Suddenly the silence of the air-locked container got pierced by your phone ringing. What the hell… Glancing at the display, your heart stopped for a split second. For a moment, you wanted to ignore it. To pretend you are not available. But your heart knew better, unable to give up the possibility of hearing his voice after all this time. Sitting up on the cot, you picked up the phone. A long exhale on the other side followed by…

“Hey”

As simple as that. Fuck. Neil’s voice was enough to trigger the feelings. The husky tone, the tiredness you sensed through that one word alone. The advantage of the phone call was that he could not hide too much. Not from you.

“Hi… um, why…” you trailed off, annoyed at how something so simple could disrupt the fragile peace.

But judging by the long pause, it was not just you for whom the conversation was a struggle. Brilliant.

“TP told me to call you” right, “Give you a run-down of the state of affairs, so tomorrow is easier for us all,” he added, using that professional tone you came to detest.

Call you? The voice of reason tried to break through the amalgamation of thoughts and feelings. It did not make much sense, seeing as TP did not even trust you after the latest revelations.

“Me?” you blurted out.

Anyone else would have been a more obvious choice. But Neil called you. Why? You wanted to add that question to the mix, but before you could do so, he came up with an answer.

“Not exactly, but I’ve decided that you can pass it on to Ives and so on” the uncertainty in his voice ignited the spark.

“I see” that was the only comment you could muster.

But he understood. He cleared his throat before resuming the conversation. An image flashed before your eyes: tired Neil, with ruffled hair, curled up in the armchair in Oslo, glancing at you from the pages of the book you just borrowed him. That stupid soft smile gracing his exquisite features. Eyes sparkling with satisfaction and affection. Enough.

“We’ve managed to save Kat with that stunt in Oslo…” his voice brought you back to the present moment.

That was something. Despite not having even talked to Kat, you felt sympathy towards her.

“I’m glad. Is she alright?” you occupied the shaking hands with picking up pieces of lint off the blanket.

It did not help your racing pulse. Or the increasing ache in your chest.

“Yeah, she’s recovering. There’s a scar, but that’s nothing compared to what could’ve happened”

God knows what made you say the first thing on your mind then:

“We’ve all been scarred… one way or another” as soon as the words left your mouth, you knew that it was too much.

Fucked up again. It was difficult to remember that you were not supposed to share your thoughts with him anymore. That this was not allowed. Once again, so much had to be left unspoken just for the sake of your sanity.

“I know that better than anyone” his response and the sombre tone made you swallow hard.

Of course. You had no doubts he was regretting the decision to take that bullet for you in New York. After all, the scar was there to haunt him for eternity, reminding him of the time and effort wasted on you.

“TP met with Priya in Oslo…” the change of topic was vital, “She told him about the algorithm and got us the icebreaker” Neil explained.

Back to business. Thank God. All would be perfect if it was not for the audible strain in his voice. It was evidently torturing. For both of you.

“Sator’s got it? All of the parts?” clearing your head, you asked the most important of questions.

How fucked were you?

“Yes,” no hesitation.

Very much so. What would life be without a world-ending scenario taking place just when everything was coming apart? Too boring, probably.

“Fuck” you breathed into the phone, taking a beat to think, “Do we know where? When?”

At least anxiety now had a proper anchor. Something to dig into and stay fixed for a while. A constant companion.

“The day of the Kiev opera siege. But I don’t know where, TP won’t tell me” the remorse was palpable, “Kat helped us piece it together. Sator’s dying, and probably intends to kill himself and trigger the dead-drop, activating the algorithm” double fuck.

Could it get worse? You dared not ask. For a moment, you were grateful Neil called you with the news. At least that way, you heard it from someone you trusted. Or once trusted.

“Jesus…” the silence on the other end was almost comforting, “So that’s the plan? To go back and try to stop him…” you trailed off, raking your head for ways to fix things.

Inversion for over a week more was one thing. Actually pulling this off was another. Because you doubted someone like Sator would be unprepared. You could only hope someone had a plan. Or that your helpful texts would come around. One could wish.

“Yes, in essence,” Neil confirmed your thoughts with that ever-present gloom in his tone.

He was worried too. That eternal desire to comfort him nagged at your bruised heart. It would only get worse once he was within your reach. The collision was unavoidable.

“Okay,” suddenly you wanted nothing but to end the call and sleep, “I’ll let Ives know”

With the awkwardness burning bright, the goodbye was on the tip of your tongue. But…

“I-” Neil cut himself off suddenly.

What? The curiosity was relentless.

“Do you need anything else?” you sat up straighter, forcing the nonchalance.

“No,” after a beat, he added, “Well-”

Christ. There was no power to ignore him.

“Yes?” you stifled the butterflies in your stomach.

It could only hurt more. Surely he would not have anything better to say.

“How are you doing?” the question was dropped with merciless indifference.

You were right. Only he could be that blunt. Unable to keep cool, you cursed out loud:

“Fuck’s sake” taking a deep breath, you gathered all the needed strength to continue, “Neil, do you seriously want me to answer this question?”

There was not enough air in the room. Forcing yourself to calm down, you stared at the wall, counting dents in the metal. Anything to stop the panic.

“I just thought... we’re... I haven’t seen you in over a week and-” he stumbled over the sentence pathetically.

“Maybe it’s better you stop thinking,” you cut him off, feeling the familiar surge of anger “For a while”

How did he dare? You would have thought that he would know better. That he would understand that things changed, and he was no longer allowed access into your mind. But trust Neil to mess it up. To be ignorant of how you felt.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you” the soft tone took you by surprise.

Despite the shock, you were too pissed off to give in.

“... I’m afraid you’ve fucked it then,”

There was no stopping the words that spilled from your throat. They rolled off your tongue, fueled by bitterness and hurt.

“It’s not easy getting over rejection, but then you wouldn’t know that. Everyone wants you. And if they don’t, you move on. No hearts harmed in the process. But not everyone is that lucky” you finished only once there was no breath left in your lungs.

Now he knew. The words hung in the space between you, making the phone seem heavy in your hand. Too much too soon. Just when you thought Neil would not respond, you could hear him take a deep breath before asking:

“Is this really how you understand what I said?” the strange timbre in his voice was confusing.

It was as though he was utterly defeated, devoid of anything but resignation. But why? It was you who were hurting, not him. It made no sense.

“Yes,” that had to suffice.

You already said too much, exposed yourself again. Giving him ammunition to strike when necessary. There was no pretending that you did not care. Or that your misplaced love confession during your last conversation was a lie. A sudden noise at the airlock made you look up. Wheeler entered your shared container, oblivious to the drama taking place. After a second of hesitation, you found that you did not mind the company. Once your eyes met, you just nodded, giving her permission to stay. The sombre half-smile told you she suspected who was on the other end.

“I haven’t pushed you away. When you…” Neil’s voice came through the speaker again.

A hint of desperation. As though he wanted you to understand something obvious. But there was nothing there. You could not forget how he took everything but never gave anything back. It was rather simple.

“There’s a major difference between love and want” stating the truth, you could feel Wheeler’s attentive gaze on you “Doubt you’d push away someone as desperate as I was. Especially when you could have something pleasant out of it. But that doesn’t mean you love me” the strength needed to say those words was all you could manage “I need to go now”

You desperately wanted to bury yourself under the blanket and sleep. Maybe never wake up. That could be nice.

“…I’ll see you tomorrow then” the reluctance tore into the remains of your heart.

Tomorrow. Too soon. You knew there was no way of preparing for it. You would have to endure the unbearable and bear it. The world was more important than your comfort or pride.

“Yes, unfortunately,” the honesty could not hurt anyone.

Least of all Neil. You ended the call before he could say anything else and dropped the phone on the bed. Fuck. Burying your head in the pillow, you tried to level the breathing.

“Are you alright?” Wheeler’s question drifted across the narrow space.

“I will be,” you shrugged, turning to lie on your back and stare at the ceiling.

Emptiness. And even more anxiety. Amazing combo. And all because of that dyed blonde lanky bastard with eyes too blue and jaw too sharp. Trust you to fall for the unattainable.

“It was him, wasn’t it?”

“Yep,” you glanced sideways at your companion with a grimace, “He called to give me a summary of the events, so to speak” that part still did not make sense, but who were you to argue.

Wheeler let out a low hum, making you face her. You did not like the suspicious expression on her face. But you were too tired to ask. Ignorance is our ammunition and all that. You resumed the summary with a heart even heavier:

“And then he asked how I am, and I just…” you trailed off, giving in to the feelings, “Christ, I’ve no clue how I’m supposed to meet him tomorrow”

Pathetic, again. You half expected Wheeler to slap you for being an annoying, lovesick teenager pining after her crush. Which you were, in all fairness. But instead, you felt a hand pat your arm reassuringly.

“You’ll manage” glancing up, you met the warm smile of your companion, “You’re strong” before you could argue, she added, “And from what I’ve heard, you two really should talk, so maybe the opportunity will come up” it was her turn to shrug, wandering off to prepare the second cot.

“I suppose” that sounded like a nightmare “Got news for you and Ives, by the way”

You were hoping she will make you go to the squad leader right this moment. That would be a perfect distraction.

“Those can wait till tomorrow, get some sleep”

Well, fuck.

*** The nerves and increasing panic only caught up with you in the containers on the way to the icebreaker. The morning was spent in that blissful motion you needed so badly. You passed on the information to squad leaders, packed up, and got ready for the journey, which commenced after you got a call from the ship’s captain. The time spent on board was too short for your liking. Gripping the duffel back with your belongings, you focused on breathing slowly while the chinook approached the icebreaker, preparing to drop the containers and fly off. Somehow, the rattling and the cramped space of the metal box were almost comforting. No one could hurt you there. There was no one to escape and to hide from. But, of course, that too was over too soon. As the container touched the ground with a thud, making you all jump up, you only had a moment to clench your jaw. Ives stood up and opened the door as you all formed a proper formation for disembarking. The cold, piercing light of the sun hit you in the face as the wind tangled the cord connecting your oxygen tank to the mask. One look around assured you of two things – you would have to get accustomed to the sight of sea and sky for miles and that there was no hiding from Neil.

He was there, stood right next to TP, awaiting your arrival. It took you a moment to get accustomed to his military get-up. The black windbreaker zipped up, cargo pants with armour pads on the knees, and heavy boots. Hair windswept, falling into his eyes, making you want nothing but to brush it away. Brilliant. And naturally, he noticed you as well, eyes looking over your frame and face, searching for something. You did wonder whether he found it. To distract yourself, your gaze slipped over to look at TP. Still suspicious and serious. But at least he was not staring at you, trying to see into your soul. And that was enough.

“Welcome aboard” his grim countenance lit up for a second.

After a motion from Ives, you stepped up along with him and Wheeler, joining the two men. You had a proper look around. The rows of containers, rigs, and equipment being stacked in crates, ready for the upcoming battle. Eyeing the accommodation part of the cargo ship, you listened on to the conversation:

“Where exactly are we heading?” Ives’s voice cut straight to the point.

Good question. You glanced back at TP, only to find an enigmatic smile grace his features.

“All in the right time,” he responded, and you could see Neil grimace.

Somehow seeing him that frustrated did not cause any satisfaction. Quite the contrary even. To your inner horror, his eyes met yours right then. Curiously considering, before he reached out a hand:

“It’s good to see you” that was undoubtedly directed at you.

The empty pleasantry hurt like a bitch. But, with four pairs of eyes set on you, there was no choice but to accept the outstretched hand. Swallowing down the panic, you let his hand envelope yours in the casual handshake. Even that amount of contact was enough to make you spiral. Especially with how his thumb brushed over your knuckles. The eyes never leaving yours, urging you to understand something. What you had no clue. The moment was over before you realised, and Neil directed the next sentiment at your companions.

“All of you” they exchanged the handshakes while you stared on.

Once that was done, TP directed your attention towards the accommodation again:

“We’ll show you what’s where” he started walking, giving the directions on the go, “Let everyone else disembark in the meantime”

At least he was more like himself.

You followed them, taking in all the shown spaces. The lower part was occupied by the turnstile and potential training spaces. As you passed, you could hear Ives making arrangements for the troops to start sparing and shooting practice as soon as possible. Next, there were bunk beds and sleeping spaces for everyone. Rows upon rows of small bunks, only privacy was a curtain separating the mattress from the outside world. But it had to do, of course. As you moved up past the machinery, the kitchen, and the common spaces, you have been led to an airlocked corridor near the bridge.

“That’s where we sleep” TP waved a hand in the general direction of the many doors in the corridor.

There was a total of four cabins and a bathroom. Your gaze settled on Neil again. Entirely on its own accord. He shifted hesitantly before directing a question at the squad leader:

“Ives, do you guys want to stay with the troops?”

You could see the emotions bubbling under the nonchalant expression. It was not the usual charming, suave Neil you have met. Now there was uncertainty, doubt, and insecurity. As though he suddenly lost all the confidence and was trying to piece himself together. You did wonder what made him hurt that much.

“Yeah, that’s better for the morals,” Ives replied, ending your strange thoughts.

“As you wish,” Neil grinned in response, before glancing at TP, “I’ll go check on Kat”

Before anyone could respond, he disappeared down the corridor. Interesting. Could it be that he too was bothered by what was going on? Difficult to imagine but plausible.

“Those are yours, Y/N” the mention of your name made you look up.

TP was staring at you inquisitively, a hand on a doorknob, awaiting a reaction. That was unexpected. As much as the fact that he used your name. And did not look that pissed off anymore. You did wonder what was said during their journey back to Oslo. How much did he know?

“I thought I’ll be with the rest of the squad” you stared back quizzically.

“Neil made sure you got your own space” TP shrugged as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

What the hell. Was that why he so casually run off?

“How very kind of him,” you muttered, feeling the gazes of everyone else burning on your skin.

Damn people and their curiosity.

“He’s down the corridor, if-” oh fuck no.

“Thanks,” you cut off the boss with the voice as cold as ice.

He understood, nodding curtly. Thank god. It was enough to know that Neil was close. You did not need the specifics. Or the insinuations behind the information. It did not matter; you would not be visiting him any time soon. Or ever.

*** You have managed to avoid meeting Neil throughout the day. It was busy, filled with getting settled aboard the icebreaker and planning what the next days are going to hold. You were not told what your destination was, but you had a clue Ives knew. That was… disappointing. You have happily missed the mealtime, choosing to hide in the 2 x 3 metres of space that was your cabin. The small bed, one round window, tiny bedside cabinet, and a chair were all you could depend on for the next eight days. Not bad. You were intent on staying there for as long as possible, avoiding the outside unless absolutely necessary. It was a good plan until, at around 1 am, your stomach started rumbling. Supposedly a whole day on just breakfast was bound to end like this. But you were still outraged. Because that meant going out. And here there be monsters. Sighing heavily, you put on the shoes and a jacket and warily stepped into the corridor. Silence. Cold metal walls and floors, deep dark shadows. With the official meeting taking place the next morning, you were hoping everyone was asleep. Or doing whatever people did at night.

Sealing the airlock in the small kitchen, you took off the oxygen mask and placed it on the small table. The galley was equipped with the necessary stuff, including a large, packed fridge, a kettle, sink, and some cabinets filled with non-perishable foods. The eerie silence was almost deafening, so you turned the kettle on, creating background noise. Going through the arsenal, you chose to prepare a sandwich and a tea and then promptly run away to your room. Just in case. As you set to work, confidence grew. Maybe you got lucky. You were in the middle of cutting the bread roll in half when the unmistakable sound of the zipper rung out. Fuck.

“… Hey,” of course.

Your hand slipped, knife slicing open the skin on your pointer finger. Blood dripping onto the counter.

“Shit!” you cursed and dropped the knife, bringing the injured finger to your mouth.

As the coppery taste dissolved on your tongue, you risked turning around to face the intruder. That was mistake number one. Neil was staring at you with concern etched onto his face. Lips pursed; brows furrowed. Hair ruffled as though he has been outside for an extended period of time. The moment your eyes met his, you felt trapped. There was nowhere to go. Just you and him, in 7 square metres. Bloody perfect. His gaze flitted between you and your wounded hand, hesitating and calculating. It was obvious, even to him.

“Are you alright?” the strange unfamiliarity took you by surprise.

You could see the conflict plain as day. Glancing at the cut, you were relieved to see that it was rather shallow, albeit still bleeding significantly. Turning on the tap to rinse it, you replied:

“Yep,” that simple.

And yet not at all. Neil edged closer, stopping right next to you but preserving a meter of space. Turning off the water, you looked up at him curiously. Too close. The blue threatened to drown you if you were not careful. He reached out a hand with fingers trembling slightly. You were frozen in the spot, seeing but unable to react, as he took another step forward.

“Show me-” the moment his skin made contact with yours, the paralysis disappeared.

God no. You jumped back, hitting the edge of the counter with your back. A dull throbbing was nothing compared to the hammering heart and the searing pain in your chest. His eyes widened in shock. Your reaction was evidently unexpected.

“No, that won’t be necessary” finding the voice again, you mustered a tight-lipped smile.

If this were to work, you had to avoid any physical contact. Somehow you knew that if he touched you, the resolve would begin to crumble. That could not happen. You took a deep breath and focused back on the task. The tension was of the knife-cutting kind. Swallowing you both in despair. In the corner of your eye, you could see Neil hesitate, watching you closely. Then he must have made up his mind, for he opened the fridge and started searching for something. After another minute of near-fatal awkwardness, you spoke up:

“Have you been outside?” a simple question dropped in an almost neutral tone.

Fitting perfectly between strokes of the butter knife on the roll. Small talk, easy enough, right?

“Yeah, I’ve watched the stars” Neil took out bread and settled by you at the counter “The sky’s pretty clear tonight” he glanced at you for a second, an enigmatic look on his face.

The walls were up. Back to pretending.

“Mhmm,” you nodded, praying to every god in the universe for help.

Thankfully, one must have listened… Well, sort of.  

“You’ve missed the meal earlier,” he noticed while turning on the toaster.

Of course, he would. Forcing your hands to stay steady as you sliced up the tomato, you thought of a good enough answer. Because the truth would not do.

“Just didn’t feel like it” you shrugged, avoiding his eyes.

But he was staring. Leaning by the counter, watching you closely. You felt that this was it when it came to a casual conversation between you.

“But now you do?” this next question sounded differently.

There was a suspicious edge to his voice that you knew would be reflected in his eyes. Your acting was not good enough for this. Swallowing down the rising discomfort, you faced him and steeled your features.

“Yes,” that should suffice.

But then, seeing him attempt psychoanalysis through the means of staring, you chose honesty.

“I was hoping I won’t meet anyone around here this late,” you added and met his gaze.

A challenge. Tell me how I’m wrong, kind of thing. The truth he so clearly wanted. And Neil took it without hesitation.

“Anyone? Or just me?” eyes narrowed; lips curled into a smirk you did not like.

What the fuck? You felt a rush of anger. He maybe was right. But that did not mean he was allowed to question you. To make claims as clear as this.

“What’s your point?” you arched an eyebrow, forcing the most neutral of tones.

A shadow passed through his face, a hint of uncertainty. But as soon as you noticed it, it was gone. He shook his head with an almost imperceptible smile.

“No matter” waving his hand dismissively, he reached for the kettle.

Too close again. His arm brushed against yours as he filled in both of your mugs with the boiling water. You glared at that but chose to bite back the comment. At least he was being useful…

“You were rather quiet earlier...” Neil’s voice brought you back to the present moment.

Your head snapped up, meeting his intense stare. What? From the curiosity in his eyes, you deduced that he was waiting for an answer to that. You were sure to deliver.

“If you wanted me to publicly declare my hatred for you, then I’m sorry to disappoint,” shrugging, you took satisfaction in the way his eyes widened “Are you using that?” pointing at the container with sugar, you observed him a little longer.

Neil seemed less confident now. His tense posture and clenched jaw showed as much. Or the fact that suddenly he was not as eager to stare at you. Maybe that was a win. The only response you got was a head nod for ‘no’. But before you could celebrate the unlikely victory, he spoke again:

“Last time we talked, you said something a little different” there was that suspicious edge again.

You did not dare meet his eyes. The casual way in which he referred to the event made your blood boil. Because that was all the evidence you needed to confirm the worst-case assumptions: he did not care. To Neil, all this was a passing thing, something you can let go of when it becomes inconvenient. Trust you to give your heart to someone like that. The thought gave you an idea. What was said could not be unsaid, but…

“Yeah, but I thought about it, and... I take it back” once the words left your mouth, you felt a stronger surge of fury.

It only got worse when you caught a glimpse of hurt in the depths of his eyes. It was hidden well but still there.

“What?” Neil swallowed hard.

You could see that he did not expect that from you. Good. Perhaps it was a lie, but who was to say you had to be honest. After all, he was not, as it turned out. The look of confusion on his face made you turn up the emotions, throwing in irritability to the mix.

“I know you can be dense, but I’m sure you understood it well enough. I take back what I said in Tallinn” no effort was needed to be mean.

Just as easy as it was to lie. Perhaps too easy even. Out of curiosity, you watched him absorb what you said. At first, Neil’s lips parted a little as though he was holding in a gasp. Then he tensed, and eyebrows furrowed. That was denial. It was replaced with a painfully fake smile. One that did not reach his eyes. In summary, Neil did not seem relieved by what you said. Nor did he seem happy about it. Tough luck.

“Feelings change, huh?” nonchalantly he eyed you as though trying to find anything amiss.

The intensity of his gaze felt as though the fire was burning your skin. Suddenly the casual outfit seemed inadequate. Almost nonexistent in how he could see right through it. It took you a moment to shook it off. To remember that this was a duel, and you could still win. But only if you did not allow him to get too close.

“No. People do” you shrugged and went back to finishing the tea.

Just like that. A silence. And then the sound of a throat being cleared awkwardly:

“What are you trying to say?” unsure and shocked.

The metaphorical penny dropped. You could spare him the torture.

“You know,” putting away the teaspoon with a clink you eyed the toaster, “You might want to take that toast out unless you fancy eating carbon”

“Thanks,” Neil offered you a tight-lipped smile before he attended the burned toast.

You felt like that was the perfect metaphor for the state of your relationship. Or whatever the fuck was it. You were not sure what made you stay then. The walk back to your room did not seem convenient anymore. And the table was right there… It was rather risky, but then it was hard to deny yourself the pleasure. However questionable it may be. He was still your Neil, and his presence felt like the home you have desperately missed. Fortune favours the brave, or whatever. Ignoring his surprised look, you set down the plate and the mug and sat down at the narrow table. You did not have to wait long for a question:

“Do you mind if I stay?” the uncertainty in his voice made you look up.

Sure enough, the blue eyes were fixed on you with reluctance. As though he did not expect you to allow him that much. But then… why not? Perhaps it was the masochistic tendencies speaking.

“Suit yourself” you offered him the tiniest of smiles and focused on finally eating the carefully prepared sandwiches.

The ones you paid in blood and nerves for. At least they were good. After another moment, Neil joined, taking his seat opposite you. You could not help but snicker at the blackened toasts gracing his plate.

For a few minutes, you ate in silence, stealing glances at each other as though they were a crime. For you, they almost felt like it. His blonde hair (fake, as you had to remind yourself) reflected the fluorescents, giving him that angelic look that used to draw you in. It still did as much, only now it was paired with desperation everybody feels when faced with the unattainable. The forbidden fruit. Unable to stop yourself, you glanced at his lips then. The pull was still there, threatening to come crashing down and leave you gasping for air. But you could not give in.

“You saw us” as though Neil could read your mind, he spoke up, “Back at the airport, with Kat,” adding, he met your gaze.

You could tell that this was another attempt at small talk of sorts. You wondered how long this would take until another argument could begin to brew.

“Yeah,” nodding, you took a sip of the tea.

That was all he needed. The moment still sometimes haunted you. The look in his eyes when Neil saw you in Oslo. Now it all made more sense. The shock and apprehension. You were probably the last person he wanted to see back then. 

“Why you’ve never said anything?” the question took you by surprise.

Neil, of all people, should know better. You took a moment to gather the thoughts, staring back into those eyes that seemed to see right through you.

“I just followed your favourite logic” upon his confused expression, you explained, “What’s happened-”

“-Happened” he grinned; too proud “You know me well”

His hand that was resting by the mug twitched as though he wanted to reach out. You could not tear your eyes away from it, battling the most primal of instincts that just wanted to touch him. Ignoring the urge, you finished the tea and muttered the answer:

“I thought I do”

It was another of those things that were too easy to tell him. Even though you were being vulnerable through admitting it. Most rules were broken already.

“But?”

You stood up, avoiding the desire to look him in the eye. Anything to make this easier. Enough. You got what you wanted, but now it was time to leave. To cut this torture short for you both.

“If Tallinn taught me anything is that I don’t know you at all. Not the real you, anyway” you rinsed the dishes and moved to the door “Now, excuse me-”

Neil moved fast. Before you could realise he stood up, his hand was wrapped around your arm, making escape impossible. Bewildered by the feelings rushing in all at once, you met his eyes. Even through the two layers of clothing, his touch was burning you. A reminder of all that you have lost. The immeasurable depth of expression in Neil’s face was not helping. You could discern determination, worry, and panic, among others. As though only now he has realised the extent of the damage.

“I never lied to you. Not even once” his grip tightened as he took a step forward.

Your back hit the wall, trapping you between him and the cold metal.

“Should I congratulate you?” stifling the raising panic, you stared up at him with defiance.

It worked.

“…Jesus,” Neil swallowed hard, unable to hide the exasperation, “Why are you like this?”

With the newly found position, you could easily judge his state of mind. He was annoyed, angry even. And that was triggering. Even though the proximity was slowly hazing your mind, proposing scenarios that could never happen. Fuck. You took a deep breath to calm down. To ignore how it felt to have someone look at you like this. Not platonically.

“If you need to ask, I think there’s no point in dragging this conversation any longer” finding your voice again you made sure to turn up the notch “I’d rather go to sleep than get rejected again” the coldness came out of nowhere.

But it was helpful. He did not expect that. The hand on your arm relaxed a little.

“I never rejected you” crease between his eyebrows deepened.

Right. Unable to stop the rising bitterness, you scoffed in his face. This was the opportunity to win the battle and get away before you could fuck it up even worse.

“You’re right,” you relished in the utter confusion visible “You did something worse. But I’m really not in the mood to argue, so… please let me go” gingerly, you placed your hand on his chest with the intent to push him away.

That was another mistake. Neil covered your palm with his, making you shudder. That was enough to make everything worse. Because there was no way of stopping the thoughts. Of ignoring the want, you tried to suppress for the past week. With him this close, touching you as though he meant it, you soon realised how bad it was. There was no way of getting rid of the feelings.

“I’m worried about you. You don’t look well” he broke the tense silence, forcing you to look up.

As if. His face was too striking. With blood pounding in your ears, you made another attempt at freeing yourself by trying to push him away.

“I don’t need your sympathy” taking a step forwards you hoped he would back off.

He did not. The concern visible in his blue eyes was overwhelming any last bit of sanity. All that was left did not make any sense. For a second, you wanted nothing but to have an innocent passerby interrupt you. The embarrassment could be worth it.

“I’m pretty sure you haven’t slept in days. And I-”

Neil was too close. The hand that was wrapped around your arm slid down to your waist while the other wandered up, fingers ghosting your neck. You closed your eyes for a split second, calming down the racing thoughts. This could not happen.

“Neil, stop,” shaking off the paralysis, you cupped his cheek “You can’t help me. So, let’s just leave it,” pouring in all the despair into your gaze, you met his eyes.

What you saw reflected was startling. You have never seen him that confused.

“I…” he faltered, losing the momentum that was there a second ago.

You were winning. But there was no satisfaction. Just the overwhelming despair, tempting you to make use of the predicament. Just this once. It was too easy to let your fingers caress his jaw, feeling the two-day stubble he did not bother shaving off. The disorientation in his eyes deepened as he stared at you with amazement. Speechless, frozen in the moment that seemed endless. As you brushed the pad of your thumb over his lips, Neil inhaled sharply, waking up from the reverie. His grip on your waist tightened, drawing you even closer. The expression in his eyes shifted. Pupils darkened as want took over the reason. You could feel yourself slipping down the slippery slope. Risking too much for god knows what. Or why. The air he breathed out ghosted your lips, an offer of what you could have. The exact same thing you have missed more than anything else. As if guided by the gravity itself, you leaned in, your noses brushing. Mere two inches of space. It would be so easy…

“If you don’t love me, then what is this?” Neil asked, breaking the silence and putting on another enigmatic smile.

The audacity of the question felt like a punch in the gut. That was the harsh wake-up call. Your salvation.

“Whatever it was for you in Tallinn,” you bit back, letting the anger seep into your answer “Let me go” the ice-cold tone was a perfect touch.

Neil took one last long look over your face before he stepped back, releasing you. The visible disappointment made you even angrier. Because how did he dare? What even was this? You had no clue. Only that you were right about touches being forbidden from now on.

“As you wish,” the pleasantry was thrown in your face with a mocking intonation.

You wanted nothing but to slap him. Punch him, make him bleed and hurt like you were. But that would be unbecoming for someone like you. And so, you straightened your back, grabbed the mask, and fixed it over your mouth and nose without as much as a glance in his direction. Enough now.

“See you at the meeting tomorrow” throwing the goodbye over your shoulder you unzipped the airlock.

“Good night” was the last thing you heard upon the exit from the galley.

Jesus Christ. Finally, there was air to breathe.

*** That night you did not get much sleep either, tossing and turning on the narrow bed, unable to make your brain shut up. It was hard not to come up with all the possible what-ifs. Not to wonder what could have happened should Neil stayed silent, and you were to continue. To let yourself get lost in him like you used to. And all of those questions were only amplified by the fact that you chose to sleep in the stolen sweater. Why? You had no clue. Like many things, even your brain stopped making sense a long time ago. And so, when your phone alarm finally rang, you could only accept the fate and grudgingly get up. The dark circles were hard to hide. Or the way your shoulders sagged at the mere idea of facing everyone else. But there was no other way. You got dressed in the most practical outfit and left the cabin with the heart hammering in your chest. All the courage accepted. The mere idea of facing Neil made your stomach turn. That vouched for an amazing start indeed.

The official meeting was supposed to take place at 9:00 on the indoor bridge, and as far you knew the purpose was to officially brief you and the squad. You followed the half-remembered directions, by miracle arriving at the airlock leading to a lounge-like space with sofas, a table with ten chairs, and panoramic windows proving splendid view of the inverted waves and occasional seagulls. It seemed like you were the first one to arrive. Taking a longer look to stare at the horizon, you jumped up at the sound of a throat being cleared. Not alone then…

“Good morning” tall blonde woman stood up from her position on the sofa.

Kat. The drama of the previous night almost made you forget about her. But there is only so long you can run away from reality. The anxiety spike made you take a deep breath before you could respond.

“Hi,” frowning at the awkwardness of the tone, you flashed her an apologetic smile “Sorry to interrupt if you’ve-”

“No, no, it’s okay,” she waved a hand dismissively and settled back on the cushions “I’ve just been watching the birds really. Still can’t get used to them” the thoughtful look in her eyes made you smile.

She could not be older than Neil. Tall and slender, dressed in practical military clothes as everyone else, she seemed so different from the woman you saw in Tallinn, bleeding and on the verge of death. Now there was steely confidence to her, intangible yet present. Tentatively, you joined her on the sofa, never taking your eyes off the horizon.

“It takes a while. The first time I got inverted, I panicked the moment I saw a pigeon flying backwards” you did not know where the honesty came from.

Or why you shared the story. But the bewildered smile that split Kat’s face was a good enough reward.

“That sounds horrendous” she choked back a laugh, meeting your gaze with sparkling blue eyes.

“It was cooing too” you added with the conspiratorial whisper, awaiting a response, barely concealing a giggle that was rising in your throat.

“Good God” she grinned in your direction.

Maybe there was some goodness in the universe…

“Yeah, basically” returning the smile, you reached out a hand “Sorry we’ve never got introduced, I’m Y/N”

“Kat” she shook your palm, smiling sympathetically “It’s nice to meet you. Are you part of the squad?”

“Well, sort of… I don’t really know what’s my role is in all this” shrugging helplessly, you allowed more honesty to permeate the sentence “But I’m too involved to ask questions”

“I know the feeling well” you knew the quiet resignation in her gaze from the reflection in the mirror.

As you opened your mouth to ask a question, a zip on the airlock made you freeze. Peace was not an available commodity these days.

“Good morning ladies” Neil’s voice rung out in the room as he stepped into the view.

The fake cheeriness looked out of place on his sombre face. After a quick scan, you could tell that he too has not slept well. And that he was trying his hardest to appear alright when he was everything but. A tell-tale sign was the untied shoelace and uncombed hair sticking out in every direction. Details easily missed by everyone but you. There was nothing you could do with that information. It felt like another tiny but painful stab straight into your battered heart. You did wonder how many more could you handle.

“Did you get a good rest?” Kat’s innocent question brought you back to the moment.

“Not quite” Neil grimaced slightly as his eyes slipped over onto you for a fraction of a second.

That was enough to make Kat notice. You were sure of it. Your cheeks reddened on their own accord, and you returned Neil’s tight-lipped smile. A finishing touch to the act.

The awkward silence that followed was deafening. Neil sat by the table, tapping his foot unconsciously. Kat seemed perplexed, glancing at you both, trying to understand. You would not even know how to explain it if she asked. Suddenly, a text alert pierced the silence, making you jump up. The device buzzed in the pocket of your pullover. With a shaking hand, you retrieved the phone and glanced at the display. TP.

“Fuck” you let out a curse as your eyes flitted over the text.

Passwords. To what? Hell knows.

“What is it?” Neil stood up and was at your side in a second.

You looked up, straight into his eyes. Whatever happened did not matter now. You both understood that.

“I don’t know…” biting down on your lip, you scanned the room, settling on a computer lying on the table, “Give me that laptop. Please” you gestured towards the device, urging him to catch up.

He did. Using those long legs that you always admired, he crossed the room in no time and handed you the laptop. Your hands were trembling as you typed in the passcodes and entered the folder where files from TP always appeared. It certainly did not help that Neil has perched on the armrest of the sofa and was looking over your shoulder. Or that his hand landed on the nape of your neck as he adjusted in the strange position. You swallowed hard, focused on finding the newest folder. Surely enough it was there. Password protected. You typed in the combination of letters and numbers from the text message and held your breath as the system loaded. A second later, you were staring at several files that appeared on the screen. Double-clicking on the first pdf, you opened up a map of a location.

“Is that…” Neil’s whisper came from right over your ear.

Breath ghosting over your neck, making you shiver. But there were more important matters to attend to. Shaking off the feeling, your eyes scanned the map.

“Stalsk-12” you read out loud, “I think this is our destination. TP sent those so we know what to expect” looking at Neil again, you were struck by the proximity.

He nodded, holding your gaze intently. You could see that he was processing what you said and all the implications. What the unexpected files could mean for you. And what were the critical steps to be taken.

“What do you mean he sent those? He’s-” Kat’s confused question made you both snap out of it.

It was terrifyingly easy to forget people other than Neil existed. Another issue to add to your list.

“I’m sorry, I really can’t explain it” you gave Kat the most regretful of smiles and opened a different file.

This one was a list of tips in a way. A short letter with instructions, addressed to you alone. Aware of the tension pervading the room, you scanned it, catching onto the things he mentioned. A tunnel leading to the dead-drop. Hypocenter in the middle of the Soviet secret city. Inverted and normal mercenaries. It sounded like something taken out of an action film. But, supposedly, that was your reality now.

“Anything good?” Neil chimed in, unable to control the anticipation.

You glanced at him again, catching the way he was staring at you rather than at the screen. The way the early morning sun reflected off his profile was tragic. The hair shone like rays of sunlight. The long eyelashes framed his eyes, making the blue stand out even more. Fucking masterpiece. He met your gaze warily, and his brows furrowed even more. That was the cue to answer his question. And to stop staring.

“He’s saying that the most crucial bit will be the lock leading to the dead-drop,” you explained, highlighting the line in the doc “And is sending you his regards,” adding, you gave Neil a small smile.

They were there alright. A final line, telling you to make sure he stays sane and alive. Worrying remark, but you were afraid the boss miscalculated your influence upon the blonde bastard. Maybe he was wrong about some things? Just as the man in question opened his mouth again, someone else entered the bridge, accompanied by the sound of heavy boots and puffs of air from the oxygen masks.

“Who’s saying what?” TP’s question made you frown as the man himself stepped into the room.

Of course, he’d hear that. Now came the dilemma you never knew you would have to face – how to tell your boss you have received information from his future, dead self? And how to make him believe you?

“We’ve got intel. About where we’re heading,” you were saved from answering the question by Neil, who stood up and faced the boss “It’s Siberia, isn’t it?”

Judging by the palpable shock and irritation on TP’s face, it was, in fact, Siberia.

“Who told you that?” the offensive edge to his voice felt like a flashback to Tallinn and the turnstile.

You would rather avoid a repetition of that. Standing up, you took a deep breath. Before anyone else could break-in, you spoke up:

“A very reliable source” when TP’s gaze settled on you, you shrugged.

Quiet confidence, right? A passing shadow of suspicion was not the most encouraging of signs.

“Reliable to who?” his gaze flitted between you and Neil.

Only now you realised how close you were standing to him. Your elbows brushed as you tried to think of an answer. Anything to win the case.

“All of us” Neil’s simple response made you look up at him.

His gaze was fixed on TP with adamant resolve. You felt like this was not the same man who had let his friend pin him to the wall and interrogate him in the most brutal of fashions. The boss sighed and looked at you again.

“How did you get it?”

Right…

“… password protected files” the half-truth felt like the worst of lies.

“From whom?” he pressed, all of the intensity of the dark stare on you.

You could only offer him another shrug and a remorseful look on your face. The scowl you got in response was concerning. But you could not give in.

“I know it sounds crazy, but it’s the best piece of information we could get. We’ve got terrain plans and intel about the dead-drop. Maybe with this, we can make it work” taking a step forwards, you hoped he can see the desperation in your eyes, “All you have to do is trust me” the addition felt necessary, even if hard to be spoken out loud.

The frown on TP’s face deepened as he sighed heavily.

“Bloody hell…” he glanced at the blonde man again, “Neil, what are you thinking?”

Only now you could feel how fast your heart has been beating. Or that sometime within the last few minutes, you have started to tremble.

“I trust her. With my life” Neil delivered the admission with the most neutral of tones.

Fuck. The heartbeat stumbled and then kicked back into action at twice the speed. Unable to stop yourself, you turned around to face him. Sure enough, he met your gaze with certainty. As though that was obvious. Well, maybe to him…

“And the fate of the world too,” he added after a beat, clearly highlighting what mattered more.

Another thing that did not make sense. You made sure he could see the confusion in your eyes as you gave him a formal nod. It was a public setting after all, and you need not make a scene in front of Kat and TP.  But at least you had support in your fight, and that was perhaps most important right now.

“This intel is all we’ve got. We might as well make use of it,” Neil summarized, taking that step closer to you again.

You both faced the boss, taking concerning amounts of confidence from simply being able to do it together. You could see the internal battle on TP’s face. Worry, uncertainty, suspicion, conflict, trust…? Finally, he closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. When he looked at you again, you could tell that it was done. Only…

“If it backfires…” the unspoken hint of consequences if something went terribly wrong.

You just had to make sure it would not. Easy enough…right?

“If it does, then we’ll worry. For now, let’s get to work” Neil waved his hand dismissively, a rare genuine smile brightening up his face “The stage is yours,” tentatively, he placed his hand on your back, giving you a light push.

Permission to take over. Support and the inability to keep his hands off you. Enough to make you consider jumping off the afterdeck into the freezing depths of the Barents Sea. Because even that was better than approximately a week more of this. But the seals would have to wait. The blue eyes were fixed on you with a glimmer that seemed too affectionate for the state of the affairs. Let’s wipe it off with the best weapon available – the crushing weight of reality. You took a deep breath and began the explanation.

[wildcrisis]

The Detriment of a Pro-Hero Society

Also known as: Kids are kind of being brainwashed into being heroes, let’s look into that.

Dedicated to @deafmic for getting me back into this bullshit and inspiring me to finish something I had started noting out about two years ago. By now, I’m sure much of this has been said over time by various people, and it makes me happy to know that there are others out there who like to look deep into the background culture and settings of their favorite manga!

I apologize in advance if you notice an idea of yours here; I haven’t been active in the fandom in two-ish-years, so I may be restating some things you guys already have. I consider this rambling analysis to be free to use and abuse by anyone, no credit necessary! I only get a little bit of time on the weekends to really be on my PC, so if you send me an ask or reply to this, it may take me some time to reply back!

Anywho, onto this mess I’ve made. It’s not very tidy and is more a collection of thoughts than a properly detailed analysis, but I ain’t got all day. Again, this is messy but I don’t really have the energy to make it nice and neat.

Looking for something in specific? You might wanna ctrl+f around these titles, because this is very long and rambling.

Part I: The Beginning of Quirks and their Effect on Society Part II: What Makes a Villain Part III: M O N E Y and F A M E Part IV: Brainwashed Part V: Ignoring Those Who Need Help Part VI: Cycle/Conclusion

Part I: The Beginning of Quirks and their Effect on Society

So, we know through the manga that, as quirks first began to evolve and more and more people obtained them, the world was thrown into chaos. People had obtained power, and power is as power does, and it corrupts.

As people began using their quirks for evil deeds that broke the law, law enforcement around the world was essentially powerless. After all, during the birth of the quirk age, quirks were the minority. The powerful minority. Against that, men with tasers, batons, and guns hardly stood a chance.

However, just as the rise of quirks gave birth to people who would use that power for misdeeds, so did it bring life to those who had the inherent desire to protect others. The beginning of the age of vigilantes, which would lead to the age of Pro Heroes.

Obviously, All for One was very relevant during this time, but we’re not here to talk about him. For once. We’re here to talk about society as a whole.

The world order was too chaotic. We are aware of this due to the monologues of certain characters, and I assume we’ll be learning more as more of the former carriers of One for All become present in Deku. In this beginning, it wasn’t so much “heroes” versus “villains”, more than it was law abiding citizens versus law breakers. It’s likely that precedent hadn’t yet been established for “no quirk use”, as there were hardly enough people who could actually enforce such a law.

As more of society began to develop quirks, the Police Force made a decision to not use their quirks to take down law breakers. They moved to a more leadership position, and took a backseat to those who did use their quirks for good. At first, it was a hard decision to allow such things as Pro Heroes to take on law breakers who were too dangerous for someone to take down without a quirk.

But why, after all this time, have the Police and the Pro Heroes remained separate entities? Why have they never combined, and why do they remain so polarized in how they approach situations?

The answer is simple, yet multi-layered. Heroes and Villains ... they’re popular. They attract attention.

Part II: What Makes a Villain

If you assign a person the label “Villain”, you de-humanize them. They are no longer a “person”, per se, but a monster. Evil, in the eyes of most people. It’s easier, then, to accept their fate of being beaten by a Hero, and being carted off to prison.

This is an important distinction to make. If you remove the labels of Hero and Villain. If you remove their Quirks. Do people still react the same way? Do they cheer and adore the hero, as the hero beats the opponent senseless? Of course not. In a battle of man vs man, in the moment, humans don’t react in such a way.

We can understand why an adult who lived a hard life may turn to a life of crime. But, hardly to we look as to why or how they got there.

In this world where quirks have become the norm, but are constantly evolving, we must wonder; how are quirks judged? How are they defined? How are people treated, for the quirk they possess?

We have many examples of outcasts, and they possess a wide variety of quirks from “extremely destructive” to simply “strange, odd, not okay in society”.

Shigaraki and Overhaul are both examples of terrifying, destructive quirks. Is it any wonder that their lives turned out the way they did? The power of death was etched into their very DNA. We know Shigaraki’s backstory and how he became who he is today. It’s implied that Chisaki was abandoned or ran away as well.

Then, you have the more odd quirks that, on the surface don’t seem nefarious, but when explained in context, would make people feel uncomfortable. Toga, who’s quirk is to drink blood and transform into another person. Twice, who can make copies of any person and used his quirk for an evil deed. Nemoto, who can force anyone to tell the truth, and lived a life where he realized everyone was lying to him.

Even Shinsou Hitoshi, desperate to become a hero, was put down for what his quirk DOES. Brainwashing. That’s a “villain’s quirk”. Fellow children said that to him so casually, and behaved as if they were terrified of him!

Eri, with her quirk that made her father disappear from existence itself ... Had she not been rescued from Overhaul, what would have become of her? Forced to believe her entire existence was a curse, told that she does nothing but harm people -- as she grew older and gained control of her power, would anyone honestly think she would have led a life of goodness, considering how she was raised?

How many people labeled Villains are currently in prison, because they were treated like outcasts from the moment they developed a terrifying quirk? Was there anyone there to help them figure their way through this world, considering what they’d been born with? Are there services for people who have trouble controlling their quirks, which are truly destructive? Even with laws in place saying that you can’t use your quirk publicly, just LIVING with that knowledge that you were born ... with a scary quirk ... a villain’s quirk ... How people treat you because of that, how you look, what your quirk can do -- do you ever have any friends? Any real friends, that aren’t just people who are scared of you?

Is it any wonder, that people like this turn out to be “villains”? Society is GROOMING THEM to BE VILLAINS, simply for who and what they are and are born with.

Part III: M O N E Y and F A M E

Throwing oneself into harms way sure is a dangerous move, that most people would never bother doing. How, then, do you entice more people to become heroes and take on the villains that are popping up all around for obvious reasons?

You make your Heroes popular. You make sure they look stylish. They have cool attitudes. You make them popular among the children. After all, getting fellow adults in on the Pro-Hero train is good and all, but much like a pro-athlete, one can likely only do Hero work for a certain span of time before their body is unable to take the strain. Maybe say, ages 18-40?

Besides, with more and more people being born every day with quirks, the number of people who turn to villainous activity will grow, right? Especially if you’re not actively helping people manage their quirks, because hey, they’re not allowed to use them publicly so what does it matter?

Kids. Kids will watch heroes on TV, and see it just like any other super-hero show or cartoon. They’ll buy the merchandise. People will begin to hemorrhage money over these heroes, because they’re flashy. They’re kind. They save lives.

Now, not to say that Heroes are just there for the paycheck -- not at all. Many people become heroes simply because they do love to help people. Some become heroes because they want to stop bad guys. Sure, there are some who do it to maybe someday live an easier life, or because it pays really well and they have family to support. But, I do believe that most people go into the Pro Hero business with good intentions.

THIS, is part of the reason that Pro Heroes have remained separate from law enforcement. They are now a business. A very wealthy business. It’s not just hero agencies that make money off of the Pro Hero business. It’s toy manufacturers. Comic book stores. Prisons. Hospitals. Roots of Pro Hero society reach into nearly every type of business that there is, whether directly or indirectly.

Nobody wants that money to disappear by folding Heroes back into the police force. No, they want MORE heroes. More heroes, and more people for the heroes to fight.

tldr: heroes = $$$, so keep ‘em coming

Part IV: Brainwashed

There are a lot of factors that go into making society as a whole okay with something. It takes a lot of time, for one. It takes powerful, well spoken people. It takes lots of media attention. Before you know it, everyone is eating up the same exact thing quite willingly ... and it spreads to the next generation. And the next. After that happens, its something that is well integrated into society, like a freckle that’s always been on your arm -- its just “always been that way”.

I’ve mentioned several times that its odd for people to be so okay with one person beating another person senseless. Again, we know that its considered acceptable, because of the labels we’ve put on these individuals based on their actions: Heroes and Villains.

What I wonder is: How long have people been okay with this? Do they not realize that, in a way, this is history repeating itself?

We know why people don’t dig deeper into this. Pro Heroes are popular and people love them. The media has hand fed the Hero lifestyle to children for some time now. There are schools, MORE THAN ONE SCHOOL, that teach your child how to become a pro hero.

Think about that. It’s not just some extra-curricular activity, like sports. These are schools, designed to take in freshly graduated MIDDLE-SCHOOLERS who have not finished their regularly schooling education, who still have growing bodies and minds, and ... crafts them into perfect pro-heroes. AND PARENTS ARE OKAY WITH THIS -- SOMETIMES EVEN MORE THAN OKAY WITH IT.

These schools send young teenagers onto the streets under a pro-heroes wing to witness and be a part of fighting crime. Not organized crime, like a ring of bad guys or something, but ... random crime. Disasters. From a young age, they may encounter situations with actual dead people. Their training is dangerous. Their powers can be dangerous. One wrong move, and a student, someone you worked alongside, had lunch with everyday, is just ... gone.

There exists a police force in society. There are already pro-heroes. Why, then, is society okay with multiple schools that are practically breeding child soldiers? They are teaching kids everything about how to kick ass, how to take down these terrifying people, how to fight, how to save lives ...

Why is no one looking into why villains exist in the first place? Are these kids ever taught de-escalation tactics? To talk their opponents down? Not everyone out there is using their quirk to be evil for the sake of being evil. There’s always a reason, a purpose.

Part V: Ignoring Those Who Need Help

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

Hey, Star Wars had some good points!

I’ve discussed before what makes a villain. People who are afraid of what they’re capable of. People who society has turned their back on. People who desperately need help, but there is no one out there willing to give it.

These people will always find each other in the shadows. They begin, at a young age, being terrified of what they are. What they’ve done. What they can do. Maybe they’ve been kicked out of their families. Maybe they’ve killed before, completely on accident.

The average person turns their back on people like this.

These people begin their lives terrified. Constantly being told that their quirks, their past, their family, what ever it is, will make them end up a bad person. Or, maybe they tell them they’re already a bad person. That fears breeds anger and hate. Hate for this society that would rather see them burn, than offer them any help.

A young boy grows up into a man. He had a potentially devastating quirk that he never really got a good hold on, because he was never allowed to practice with it. Everyone is too scared to let him try. Then, one day, something happens -- completely by accident. He causes a scene. A massacre. He hurts people.

Parents are excited to see which of their quirks their baby displays. Instead of being one or the other, or even a fusion of both, the unthinkable occurs. Its a mutation. The toddler hurts a sibling, a parent, a friend. Terrified, the parents abandon the child, for fear of losing their entire family.

A child is told, over and over, that his quirk will never be good for anything other than being evil. This knowledge rests heavy on his shoulders, its repeated to him yearly as he grows. Then, when he acts on what everyone has TOLD HIM FOR YEARS HE WILL DO, they are surprised. As if they hadn’t imprinted the very notion into his mind.

In a way, Overhaul was right about one thing. Hero society is a disease. People look forward to watching Heroes take down Villains and save the day. They don’t think at all about why these people are villains, how they got there, where they came from. They will never admit to potentially being the reason villains exist in the first place.

Part VI: Cycle/Conclusion

Wow, I have rambled a lot. I don’t think I hit every point that I’ve ever thought of for sure. There’s ... a lot of them. And a lot of comparisons I wanted to make to other superhero anime, specifically Tiger and Bunny, which I believe does an excellent job of showing the ups and downs of hero societies.

What I wanted to make clear in all this rambling mess (which, if you read all of it, I am SO SO SORRY), is that the very existence of Pro Heroes and Villains exist solely because of a few factors that exist in a cycle.

Pro Heroes = $$$ -> Schools for more heroes -> ignoring quirk-related-problems -> more villains -> pro heroes beat up villains -> pro heroes =$$$ etc

There is someone, or some organization, that sits above all of this. There has to be. There has to be some more logical explanation as to why this type of Hero v Villain culture has been allowed to exist all of this time, and things have not drifted more back in the direction of police vs lawbreakers. There has to be a reason that its okay for heroes to be so popular. There has to be a reason that children are allowed to be groomed into becoming heroes. There has to be a reason that there isn’t more help out there for people with these types of potentially destructive quirks.

There has to be reasons.

There has to be reasons for how the Hero Commission moves. There has to be reasons for how the police move. There has to be a reason that society is still allowed to go on like this, and that its become culturally acceptable.

If anyone out there can put all my rambling into clearer words and actively wants to, I would love that. Thank you for taking the time to read my mess!

xoxo Wild

[oddsnendsfanfics]

Holding On for Dear Life

Genre: Fan Fiction (Vikings) Pairing: Hvitserk/OFC Warnings: Medical, Illness, Sexual Content Rating: M Length: Multi Chapter Disclaimer: a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line. In no way am I affiliated to any of it.  

A/N: Okay, this is something that I have been wanting to write for a long time, but never got to it. It’s not exactly polished a I would like right now, but wanted to posted the first part to see how it went over. Keep in mind, I am doing my best to go about Emmer and her illness as correct as possible, but a good portion of her is actually personal. I mean sure I can bog us all down with medical by the book, but personally I like my own life experience better. 

thank you @flowers-in-your-hayr for the header

Catch Up Here

Hospitals, yuck!

Hvitserk wasn't a fan, then again was anyone?

Ironic that they would be there on the anniversary of them meeting, in this very hospital. Waiting for his best friend – sometimes girlfriend, Hvitserk had sat quietly watching a news programme on mute with captions scrolling across the screen. After what felt like ages, Emmer emerged, slightly sore and exhausted asking Hvitserk if he could take her home.

Cozy in her apartment, Emmer yawned and insisted that Hvitserk was fine to leave her. She'd been through this before, it was nothing new. Bed rest, only fluids, and pain meds only when the label dictated. Although Hvitserk admired her trying to ship him off, he knew better. The last time he listened to Emmer, she had gone and ordered a large pizza and proceeded to eat half of it. Landing her back in the bathroom sicker than when she'd gone to the hospital.

This time, he refused to leave.

“Hvits, I'm fine.” Emmer rubbed her eyes, yawning from the cocktail of medications that she'd received at the hospital.

“Nope, you're not getting rid of me.” Hvitserk shook his head, fluffing the pillow on her couch. He had zero intentions of moving, besides he was too tired to drive again. It didn't matter that his apartment was only a block away.

Hands on her hips, head cocked, Emmer scowled. “I'm not Ivar.”

“Thank fuck for that,” Hvitserk smirked laying down on her couch and yawning.

His baby brother was a far worse patient than Emmer ever thought of being. Although their diseases were nothing alike, they'd both had their fair share of surgery and hospital visits. It was during one of Ivar's stay overs that Hvitserk had wandered the halls of the ward, bumping into the frail girl with the IV pole. Emmer had recovered, gained strength, and a Hvitserk all in a few short months.

“Hvits,” Emmer whined.

“Bed, Emmy. The doctor said you should be on bed rest until tomorrow. You know the drill. If you need me, I won't be far. But I need some sleep, first.” Closing his eyes, Hvitserk took a deep breath, snuggling into the blanket that he'd pulled down from the back of the couch.

Ignoring her would eventually work, growing bored of sitting in the kitchen alone, Emmer would go to bed. If this were under any other circumstance, Hvitserk would have gone to bed with her. Knowing that she'd been in so much pain a few short hours ago, he didn't want to crowd her. Giving her space to wrap her head around the night's events.

Emmer was unfazed and not at all bothered by what had happened, but spending hours in the ER with a blocked stoma took a lot out of a person. Ulcerative Colitis was a cruel mistress, not only causing severe abdominal pains and cramping, but leaving one swollen joints, ulcers in various places, and fatigue. One time Emmer had told Hvitserk on top of that, it was literally the shittiest disease ever. Pun and no pun intended. Tonight's trip had been courtesy of something causing a block in Emmer's small intestine. Unable to pass, sending blinding pain shooting through her abdomen.

She'd called Hvitserk around the third hour of vomiting, asking for him to come over and keep her company. Arriving to find Emmer in the bathroom on the floor soaked in sweat, complaining that she was dizzy Hvitserk grabbed her emergency bag and escorted her to the car.

“Damn peas,” Emmer mumbled leaning against Hvitserk on the way to the car. She'd known better than to eat them, but she couldn't resist. They were there in all their green glory taunting her.  

Home and somewhat comfortable in her bed, Emmer laid looking through her phone. Hvitserk on the other side of the door, stretched out and sleeping on the couch. Outside in the morning sun, the birds sang and the city slowly came to life. Oblivious to what some people were going through.

Each person lived their own life on their own path. Emmer had always believed that, even more so now. Her path had taken a turn, sick for months on end without reason or cause. Doctor's office after Doctor's office. Specialist after Specialist. Disease had nearly ruined her life. Easily, she could have allowed it, but why?

So she'd had some surgeries, a ruptured bowel, no large intestine, and had a bag on her side which was now her new bowel. It wasn't the end of the world and certainly wasn't the end of her life. Emmer enjoyed the freedom it had given her, now she was able to go places and not worry about whether or not she would be left in tears, over not being able to find a public restroom.

Meeting Hvitserk days after her first surgery had been another weird little blessing. He was quirky, sweet, and his own kind of funny. Not to mention he was a pretty good boyfriend. He was patient and gentle, even sticking around to be the supportive best friend when they weren't dating.

Rolling on her right side with a slight wince, Emmer rubbed her tummy above the spot where her bag resided.

“Really Eir?” She rolled her eyes at the grumbling stoma. “Now you're talking?”

Whatever. She shook her head, closing her eyes. Hvitserk would be in shortly, she was sure of it. His love for her plush bed would eventually take over, once he realized the couch was a tad to short.

Stretched out on the couch, his feet resting on the arm rest at the end, Hvitserk was surprisingly comfortable. Although he wished Emmer's couch was about seven inches longer. It was plush, comfortable, and like a cloud, until his ankles began to go numb. Curling his legs up, Hvitserk shifted over onto his side trying to stop his feet from tingling.  Picking his head up, when he heard the bedroom door open.

No matter how hard she tried, Emmer wasn't exactly stealthy. The bottom door hinge and the floor board right outside of her door gave her away. Hvitserk pushing himself to sit up, scratching the back of his head, he looked like he'd been the one in the ER all night, in pain.

“Hey Hvits,” Emmer raised her hands over her head, stretching her shoulders, then dropping them. “What's for breakfast?”

“Why are you out of bed?” Hvitserk scowled with concern.

“Because I'm not tired? The day awaits us, Hvits.”  She'd slept for three hours, it was almost 10AM. Time to be awake and out doing something.

“Your day is going to be spent in bed, binge watching cheesy sitcoms, while drinking tea, and eating broth.” Hvitserk smiled wide at her. “I'll even join you, once I clean up a bit.”

“You don't have to clean my apartment.” Emmer rolled her eyes at him. “I can do it.”

“I know, but I want to help. Besides, if I stay here it's an excuse not to go home. Ubbe had a new lady friend over, I should at least give her time to get out.” He shrugged. His older brother really needed to pick one of his rotating women and settle.

“He still on the rebound?” Emmer dropped onto the couch beside Hvitserk. Leaning over onto his shoulder, glancing up at him.

“Yep,” Hvitserk nodded. “Margrethe really fucked with his head. We have a talent for picking bat shit crazy women, you know. I think it's genetic or some shit.”

“Your mom isn't bat shit crazy.” Emmer countered. “She's just angry that your dad kept fucking around on her.”

“Understandable, although what did she expect? He did meet her, while he was married.” Rubbing his face, Hvitserk sighed. His family would never be up for any sort of Family of the Year awards.

“Your dad still seeing Yidu?”

“Nope, she grew some common sense and left.” Rolling his eyes, Hvitserk scoffed. “Did you know she's the same age as Bjorn?”

“I had a feeling she wasn't your dad's age.” Emmer shrugged. “Every family has their bullshit, what can I say?”

“There is family drama and then there is the Lothbroks. But, enough about my parents. How do you feel, now?” Leaning his head on top of Emmer's; Hvitserk nuzzled his nose into her hair. “And for the record, you're not bat shit crazy.”

“Thank you, I think.” Emmer laughed. “And I'm still a little sore, but feeling better. Really, I'm hungry. Can we eat?”

“Sure, but you're not getting anything solid.”

“Well, ice cream isn't solid. Oh! Let's go get ice cream.”

“Or, you can stay here, in bed while I go get some ice cream and bring it back. What kind do you want? Chocolate?” Hvitserk slowly lifted his head from Emmer's. “I can also bring back some coffee. Iced latte with almond milk and one shot of caramel syrup?”

“Yes! Yes that sounds amazing!”

“Alright, I will go get previsions. You stay in bed and rest. I shouldn't be long. Promise me, you won't try to do anything until I am back?”

“Well, I may shower.” Emmer shrugged, pretending to smell herself. “I stink like hospital, you know how much I hate that.”

“Fair enough, but nothing else. I will do the housework, when I get back. Okay, Em? I don't want you to get hurt or over strain yourself.”

Rolling her eyes, Emmer nodded. “Okay, fine, I will behave. Now go, I want my latte and ice cream.”

“Bossy Britches,” Hvitserk mumbled, grabbing his phone, keys, and wallet.

“Damn right I am!” Emmer called after him, gently tossing a pillow from the couch at his back.

Turning to blow her a kiss, Hvitserk laughed, closing the door behind him. A click indicated that he'd used his key to lock the door, saving Emmer from having to get up and walk twenty feet to the door. Hvitserk was always that way, making sure she was taken care of and he did anything to make her life easier.

Sometimes, it was annoying. Others, it was welcomed. Especially on days when Emmer had no energy. Some days she could barely make it out of bed, those were the days when Hvitserk's overbearing need to cater to her were welcomed the most. He was good at knowing when she needed him to take over, but not so good when knowing he had to back off.

Emmer adored him, but had no problems telling him when to lay off or go away.

In a family of six children, Hvitserk was number 4.

Since an early age, he had been the caretaker. Right after his older, half, sister Gyda. He was constantly taking care of his younger brother Sigurd while his mother focused on his baby brother, Ivar. Gyda kept her brothers from killing one another, while Hvitserk kept Sigurd from somehow killing himself. A task and a half to take on as a five year old. If they wanted Ivar to see his 10th birthday, it was a small price. Twenty years later...

Hvitserk had the ice cream in the car, thankful that the coffee shop wasn't overly busy. Along with their drinks he had gone ahead and ordered brown sugar oatmeal for Emmer and a bacon sandwich for himself. Food in hand, he tapped his foot lightly to the music that softly played through the shop. Lost in his thoughts and tiredness, he jumped when his phone rang.

“Hel-”

“Where are you?” Ivar huffed over the phone.

“I'm getting breakfast and heading back to Emmer's.” Hvitserk smiled his apology to the barista as he accepted the iced latte and the flat white. “Why?”

“You were supposed to drive me to that appointment, this morning. I tried calling you.” Ivar grumbled. Hvitserk didn't have to see Ivar's face to know it was twisted in a scowl. “I had to get an uber.”

“Sorry, fuck. Shit.” He hissed. “Ivar, look I'm sorry. Em had to go to the emergency room. She wasn't well and I had to stay with her.”

“So getting laid, because you played the hero, is more important than family?”

“No, Emmer had an emergency. Listen, I'm sorry. I am. Where are you now? I can come get you, before I go back to Em's.”

“Gyda came to get me. Unlike some people, she cares.”

“I care, Ivar.” Hvitserk defended himself. His younger brother was so dramatic. It came with being the baby. “Tell her I said hi.”

“Fuck you.”

Hvitserk sighed, the line went dead with a beep. Whatever. Ivar would get over it. Eventually.

It wasn't like Hvitserk intentionally forgot about his brother. Had Emmer not needed him, he would have drove Ivar as promised. Ivar was more than capable of getting places on his own, he simply refused.  Unlocking the car, Hvitserk groaned and shook his head. Ivar was petulant, but still his brother.

Whatever, he could worry about that later. Right now, Hvitserk had to deliver ice cream and an iced latte, before Emmer sent out a search party or put a bounty on his head.

@danceyreagan @gearhead66 @supernaturalvikingwhore  @funmadnessandbadassvikings ,  @smutgoblin , @nickysurfer28 , @igetcarriedawaywithyou , @lif3snotouttogetyou, @akamaiden, @laketaj24​ @neeadinghugs, @thoughtsmeander2tumblingblindly, @ilvebeenabad , @naaladareia, @tephi101 , @sdcyumyum  , @imgoldielikehawn , @sparklemichele , @titty-teetee  , @smolasianwinterbean  , @sweetvengeancee , @capitanostella , @ateliefloresdaprimavera , @branflakes82 , @lordavanti , @vvigilantes  , @angelswannawearmyredshooz​ , @kawennote09​ , @bluearchersstuff​ , @lisinfleur​ , @fumblingthroughchaos​ @pebblesz892​ , @angelaiswriting​ , @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995​, @unacceptabletatertots​ @itsspecial-itsnotforeveryone​, @captstefanbrandt​, @writingfromasgard​, @happydaysandersen​, @letowolfie​, @alicedopey​, @beautifulramblingbrains​, @equalstrashflavoredtrash​, @rosepetals-flyingbirds​ , @ivarswickedqueen​, @oqueequesentes-borboletas​, @sodanova​, @groovyzombiellama​, @therealcalicali​, @rekdreams-fandom​ @grungyblonde​, @nevlahhh​ , @natalie-reader​, @ivarlothbroks​, @lol-haha-joke​ , @medievalfangirl​ @fictionbanshee​ @thisisabigmaze​  @ethereallysimple​ @emilie1993​  @mariaenchanted​ 

*I am operating on an old tag list, if you wish to be added/removed, please let me know*

[calenheniel]

The Lost Prince, a frozen fanfic | VI.

Frozen | Hans, Elsa | Fantasy, Drama | G+

Legend tells of the lost kingdom of Arendelle, and history records the many, many adventurers lost in search of it.

Read Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V

Follow updates: #TLPFrozen

VI.

Gerda softened to Hans more and more as time passed, and they seldom argued. He kept his suspicions about her to himself, for on the one hand, he was resolved to be amiable towards her—and on the other, he found her interest in him refreshing, and he enjoyed indulging it.

To this end, he entertained her with stories of his naval training, descriptions of the great and wealthy homes and palaces in the Southern countries, and gossip about the self-important and scandalous denizens of those same places. In turn, she would recount books she had read or had read to her, or fond memories of her parents and brother.

When she asked, he would share his own in return, but these instances were few and far between. Mostly, he would tell her about his mother: her wild red hair and green eyes, like his, and her famed beauty in the Southern countries. Otherwise, he preferred not to think or speak of his living family, nor ponder on what they thought of him… if they thought of him at all.

Their conversations helped him to recover from his fever, and within two days he was on his feet again. He helped Gerda gather berries and firewood, and he often watched her from afar when she plucked animals from hand-crafted snares left in the forest. He became fascinated by her skillfulness and resourcefulness, though these qualities also heightened his wariness of her, and his disbelief even in her revised story about how she came to the cabin.

She appreciated his assistance and company, it seemed, for there was always a soft and kind smile on her face. Whatever misgivings she might have held towards his motives in return, she never voiced them, and did not press him for details when he appeared reluctant to tell them. He even thought she might have started washing her face and hands a bit more, as he began to notice things about her that he had not before: the light freckles dotting her cheeks; her long eyelashes; the gentle curve of her nose; and even the wave and shine of her hair, which had heretofore been too speckled with dirt to see its true, light color.

Admiring these features, he felt at odds with his mistrust. Surely, he thought, if this girl had intended to harm him, she would have done so when he was at his weakest point. Their game of “playing house” did not fit any pattern he was accustomed to, and her seemingly limitless warmth and openness continually confounded him.

It was for this reason, among others, that Hans did not tell Gerda about the cold.

For at the same time that his fever and general pains and aches were abating, he realized that the cold which had initially paralyzed his advance up the mountain had never gone away. In fact, as time marched on, he seemed to grow colder and colder, and he knew it was not just because he had given up the bed so that she would not have to sleep on the floor anymore.

He tried to dress in more layers, or even wear two sets of gloves, to ward it off; but it came back every night worse than before, and he fought hard to keep his new predicament from Gerda. Still, she noticed that something was wrong, and asked after his health every morning.

To this, he offered the same reply: “Better than ever, Gerda. I’ll be out of your hair in no time, and on my way to find Arendelle again.”

It was on just such a morning after uttering those words that a rush of cold swept through him, and he could not help but fall into a coughing spell. She greeted this with immediate concern. “Are you sure, Hans? That sounds quite bad.”

“Positive,” he said mid-cough, and recomposed himself as he buttoned up his overcoat. “We should get going, or else we’ll be caught in the storm that’s coming.”

Gerda’s eyes followed his to the window, where the landscape and skies above it were almost blinding in their whiteness. She frowned a little, but agreed. “I suppose we should.”

When they were both finished dressing, he led the way outdoors, where the wind was beginning to pick up. He clutched his coat to himself, and gripped the axe he’d brought to chop wood so hard that his hands felt numb. Gerda followed close behind with a basket, intending to check her traps. Her face was hidden from view under her thick, fur-lined hood.

She paused at the spot where they normally would have parted ways, and he sensed her worry without seeing it. “Go on,” he said, “I’ll be alright.”

At this, she walked away with reluctance, and he sighed in relief once she was out of hearing range. He went into the forest with heavy feet, panting, and came to the familiar clearing that Gerda had created with the same axe he carried. There, he found the remains of a younger tree that he had chopped down the day before, and dragged it upon the stump of one long-gone to break it up further.

The wind rushed past Hans as he did this, nearly knocking him over, and he stuck his axe blade-first into the stump, holding onto the handle for balance. He waited until it passed, and then breathed uneasily, dislodging the blade. He swung it down upon the tree again and again until he grew fatigued by the exercise, and he paused to rest.

It was then that Hans felt the gentle patter of snowflakes on his face, and saw them fall onto his gloves and coat. The image of Gerda’s light hair and pale skin passed through his mind, causing him to smile despite the cold, and he removed one glove from his hand to catch the falling snow.

When he turned his gaze up towards the sky, however, his left eye was stung by a searing and blistering pain that forced him to his knees. He shouted in agony, clutching at his face, and all the while the wind whistled around him, as if mocking his misery. He groaned as the pain spread to his temples, and he took little solace even in the sound of Gerda’s footsteps as she ran to him and covered him in another cloak, sheltering him from the gathering storm. She guided him back towards the cabin, and he struggled not to trip every step of the way, unable to open his eyes.

She had to slam the entire weight of her body against the door to get it shut again, and he leaned against a wall with one hand over his face, his head and body still covered by the cloak. He stumbled his way back to the bed with Gerda’s help, and sat on the edge of it for a long while, breathing with difficulty as she rushed to prepare things around him. “Tea, tea, you need tea,” she mumbled to herself, and as his headache grew duller, he could hear the sounds of the fire crackling, and then of the kettle hissing.

The smell of the tea wafted over to him, and he could tell she was close. “Now, let’s get you into bed,” she said, and drew his cloak back.

As the hood of the cloak fell to his shoulders, she gasped, and the cup fell from her hands, clattering against the hard floor below. He pried open his eyes at the noise, alarmed by the look of horror on Gerda’s face that greeted him.

“What is it?”

“Your… your hair!”

Hans pressed his hand to his head, but found that every tuft was still in place. “What do you mean?” he asked, frowning. At her trembling lips and terrified expression, he became perturbed. “Gerda, what is it?”

Her wide eyes turned away from him as she nervously walked to the other side of the room, and rummaged around in a knapsack for something. He watched her with growing impatience and disconcertment. “Gerda, just tell me what’s going on.”

She shook her head, and looked as if she were biting back tears as her hands stopped moving and pulled an item from the sack. She held it close to her chest for a moment with her eyes closed, looking distressed; at his questioning stare, she slowly made her way back towards him, unable to meet his eyes. The form of the object she held was jagged, as if broken off from a larger piece, and when she finally revealed it to him, he understood the reason for her disquiet.

It was part of a mirror, and when he held it up to look upon his reflection, he saw that some of his hair had turned white.

[just-jordie-things]

The Beautiful Girl With the Blue Eyes - Nolan Holloway

word count: 7276 warnings: death, fighting, swearing, anxiety, yadda yadda a/n: MY FIRST NOLAN FIC OMG MY BABY I LOVE HIM *squeals out more nonsense*

You were a beautiful girl, and it was the first thing Nolan had noticed when he first met you.  Now, he wished it had been in a more romantic setting than crashing into you in the school hallway, but he’d be thankful for it for the rest of his life.

“I’m so sorry” You’d said quickly, gathering up both yours and his things.  He didn’t even have the voice to say that it had been his fault.  “I wasn’t even looking I don’t even know why I’m rushing” You rambled on, and he just sat there, staring at you.  “Here” You said quietly, handing him his folder, and catching the name neatly written at the top.  “Nolan” You read aloud with a smile, and he almost coughed his throat swelled so tightly.  “I’m y/n”

And he nodded, wanting to repeat the name, but for some reason he was still a mute.  Growing shy under his stare, you had looked away and held your books to your chest.

“Well I’ll see you around, Nolan”

He sighed, rubbing his face with his hands as he paused outside of the library, brain mulling with thoughts.  He had fallen so hard for you, after he’d met you junior year he spent the next year stalking learning more about you.  You weren’t just beautiful, you were smart, and talented, you were caring, and very much so of your friends.

But the day he was told that y/n l/n was a part of the McCall pack, his heart was nearly torn in two.  Because in the beginning of all this, his first instinct was to do whatever he could to protect you.  Only to hear your name called out on the list from Monroe.  He physically felt his heart break into two.

But he couldn’t get you out of his mind.

“I don’t know Liam” You muttered, pretending to look at the shelf of books that the two of you were currently hiding in.

“It can’t be that bad, besides, worse case scenario he uses that tiny ass knife and I get to beat him up” You didn’t say anything, just turned away and wrapped your arms around yourself.  Liam had gotten a text from Nolan, saying that he wanted to help.  Liam was apprehensive, calling you and telling you how little trust he put in the new hunter.  But you said you’d go with him, because some part of you knew that Nolan was more tied into this than he wanted to be.

“Liam I don’t think he’s going to try anything” You said, and he just scoffed slightly.

“Remember that time he stabbed Corey in the hand? And helped Gabe beat the shit out of me?” You bit your lip, unable to keep eye contact with him.  “What are you in love with him or something?”

“No, I barely know him he’s just in some of my classes” You mumbled, pulling out a random red covered book.

“Well then why’re you trying so hard to protect him?”

“I try to protect everyone” You shrugged with the quiet argument, and Liam chuckled.

“Sometimes I wonder if you’re related to Scott” You didn’t say anything, just held onto the book as you were interested in reading it.  That is, if you made it out of this alive.

You heard the doors open, and both you and Liam instantly peeked through the shelf to see Nolan entered.  You winced, the boy looked like he hadn’t slept in days, and his eyes darted around.  You almost held a hand over your sad heart as all the students he passed turned away from him, as though running away from him.

“Liam look how hurt-” Before you could finish, Liam snatched Nolan by the shirt and yanked him into the row of shelves.

“Sucks doesn’t it? Knowing they’re all afraid of you”

“Liam-” You cut in but he didn’t care.

“You did this, to yourself.  You caused this” He continued, pointing an accusatory finger at his chest.

“I-I want to help you didn’t have to reply to my text” He said, still anxiously looking around himself.  And it took a minute for him to realize you were there.  “Why’s she here? What’re you doing here?” The words were cold, but the tone was worried.

“Cause I don’t trust you” Liam said, crossing his arms over his chest angrily.  You sighed, pushing the beta aside.

“I’m here because I want to help too” You spoke as kindly as you could, trying to show that you’re all on the same team.  “Now, what is it?” You asked.

“Well I-I had a plan”

“You have a plan?” Liam snorted, and you fought the urge to growl.

“Yeah” Nolan said, his head cocking to the side just slightly.  “I was gonna take you to the hospital, show you what you need to know, then let you beat the shit out of me so they’ll think you beat me for information” You opened your mouth to protest that idiocy but Liam spoke first.

“Yeah I’m good with that let’s go” He said, and just like that they were both walking out of the library.  You opened and closed your mouth a few times, then followed after them.  Your ears picking up on Liam’s grumbling on all the ways he was gonna beat up Nolan.  You kicked the back of his leg.  Earning a grunt and a glare.  To which you instantly flashed your eyes, all without getting caught by Nolan.

Liam took the front seat so that he could carefully watch Nolan the whole time, and you sat in the back, almost leaning against the door you were curled up so close to it.  Nolan kept glancing back at you through the rear view mirror, worried about how quiet you were, and how your eyes kept on slipping shut.  He wanted to ask if you were alright, if you were getting any sleep at night.  But as always when it came to you, his lips were sewn shut.

“Eyes on the road” Liam grumbled.  “You keep staring off where are you going? To your fantasy land where you can kill all the werewolves you want?” Liam snarled, and Nolan’s hands tightened on the wheel, forcing himself to stop checking on you.

Your brows furrowed as you sat up straighter, eyeing Nolan’s rigid body in the front seat.  His shoulders were set firmly, hands gripping the wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white.  A part of you wanted to reach out to him, set a hand on his shoulder and tell him that you’d help keep him safe.  

But you didn’t.  Liam would’ve been angry with you anyways.

So you just sat and waited to arrive at the hospital.

“I don’t get it.  What’re you gonna show me here that I don’t already know?” Liam asked out of annoyance as the three of you walked into the hospital.  You felt a sadness come over you, knowing Melissa, a woman who helped raise you, the woman who helped you with control, was right down the hall.

“Wait don’t-” You stopped abruptly when a hand wrapped around your wrist, pulling you back behind the wall.  You turned quickly to see Nolan holding you back behind him, in front of Liam.  “This is what I wanted to tell you” He said quietly, peeking out to point at a nurse behind the main desk.  “That nurse? She’s a hunter, she was at the rally last night” He said.   “A nurse?” You asked, feeling that terribly familiar fear creeping through your veins, your heart beginning to pump erratically.

“And- and that doctor over there” He pointed again to a man, in his uniform and holding a clipboard.

“And a doctor?” Liam muttered.

“Yeah, they weren’t even hunters, just people” Nolan said, eyes wild as he looked between the two of you.  You couldn’t even bring yourself to say anything, just stared at Liam behind you, eyes flashing slightly.

“Breathe” He mumbled, and you nodded shakily, taking in a deep breath before looking back towards Nolan, his eyes focused on the two not so average workers.

“Okay, we’re gonna have to make a run for it, there’s one more thing” He stood up from his crouching position, walking slightly out, then turning and waving his hand for you and Liam to follow.  You quickly followed after him, slipping past the blonde nurse who now scared you more than any other nurse.  You almost ran into Nolan you walked so quickly.

“S-sorry I’m sorry” You muttered quickly, backing up into Liam.  “Sorry!” You said again, then ducked your head down and moved silently the rest of the way.

“What’s going on with you” Liam asked as he walked next to you, behind Nolan.

“I don’t know I don’t- I don’t know” You stammered, looking around.  “It’s like the inuk-ite is here but-but I can’t-” You stopped when his hand placed on your back.

“It’s fine, you’re safe, I promise” He said, and Nolan turned around.

“Do you think I’m gonna hurt you?” He asked, and you shook your head quickly.

“No no, it’s just, it’s just the- no I don’t think you’re gonna hurt me- us, us” You stated, shaking your head and staring down at the ground to avoid the eye contact.  “Let’s just go” You muttered, deciding that you would just push past the feeling and move on.  There was a greater problem at hand.

You didn’t say another word as Nolan let you into a closed off wing of the hospital.  All you could see was cots, a whole row, body after body lying on them.  You hesitantly stepped in front of the boys, looking at all of the bodies, teenagers, young adults, lying on each cot, an IV in each of their arms, funneling in a deep purple fluid that you recognized instantly.

“Wolfsbane?” Your voice cracked as you reached out to touch the plastic bag.  You turned, staring in fear at Liam.  Nolan on the other hand, had his head down, his hands behind his neck

“Liam we- we have to let them go” You pleaded, looking down at the boy who’s cot you were standing by.  You put a hand on his forehead, tears welling in your eyes.

“Did- did you know him?” Nolan asked, walking over next to you as you stared at the passed out supernatural.  You shook your head, and wiped your cheeks with your sleeve.

“No, no I didn’t I don’t know why I’m crying it’s just…” You sighed, and took your hand away from the young looking boy’s head.  Certainly he couldn’t be older than fifteen.  “That could be Scott… it could be Malia or Lydia or Liam… me..” You sucked in a harsh breath, and forced yourself to walk back to Liam.  He gave you a sad smile and put a hand on your shoulder.

“You’re fine, breathe” He said carefully again.  “Are you having a control problem today?”

“No, no I’m fine!” You hissed, and yanked away from his hand.  You didn’t miss the way Nolan glanced over between you two.

“I gotta call Mason” Liam sighed, pulling out his phone and tuning towards the corner of the room to make the call.  Nolan watched him for a moment, before turning back to you, seeing you stare at another one of the bodies.  Your eyes were broken, your pretty pink lips pulled down to a frown.

“y/n?” He called to you, the first time saying your name with you actually there.  You looked over at him, blinking to hide the tears.  He walked over to you, his hands wringing together as he came closer.

“Yeah?” You said after he didn’t say anything for a minute.

“I… I’m sorry.  About all of this” You shook your head, giving him the smallest of smiles.

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault”

“No but I-”

“Did you cause this?” You asked, gesturing your hand over the hospital beds.

“I mean no but-”

“But nothing” You said softly, shrugging a little.  “It’s not your fault Nolan, don’t apologize” You told him, hand grasping his wrist for a moment.  But a few seconds later you realized you’d held on too long and quickly let go.  You didn’t catch the way that his cheeks flushed pink.

“Okay, Mason and Corey are coming” Liam said coming back over to you two.  You nodded, wrapping your arms around yourself.  “We’re gonna figure out how to help them, but in the meantime” Liam cracked his knuckles, looking menacingly with a smirk.  “We still have half your plan to go through with” He said, stepping closer to Nolan.

“W-wait Liam” You stepped in between the two before Liam could do anything to hurt him.  “No one saw him come in, just let him go” You said quickly, putting your hands out towards the now golden eyed boy.  “Liam please just let him-”

“Fine” he grumbled, eyes going back to their normal blue.  “Just get the hell out of here before I change my mind” He said, stepping away from you.  Nolan moved towards the door, but turned as he opened it, his eyes landing on yours.  You felt your breath hitch a little upon the simple glance, and your lips tucked in to hide your smile.

“You better go before Liam takes it back” You said, a small laugh following the statement.  He nodded quickly, mouthing a thank you before rushing away.  As soon as the door shut, a giggle slipped past your lips and you smiled real big towards the door.

“Uh, what the hell?” Liam asked, and you couldn’t bring yourself to hide the now very present smile on your face.

“Yeah?” You asked, and Liam’s brow furrowed.

“You’ve got the hots for freaking Nolan?” He asked, a scoff coming from his throat that made your smile fall.  Two small but defensive fists being thrown down at your sides.

“I do not ‘have the hots’ for him!” You retorted, to which he only rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest in a fashion that briefly reminded you of Theo.  “He’s just… very kind”

“Kind? y/n he let Gabe beat the shit out of me just to prove some dumb ass point” Liam replied angrily.

“Oh please, can’t you tell he’s changed?” You asked, fists tightening slightly as you glared at him.

“People like him? Don't change y/n.  Don't be so naive”

“That's real hot coming from you! Spending every waking moment with Theo fucking Raeken” You snarled, and you weren't even sure where your sudden anger was coming from.

“That's different” Liam growled lowly.

“Different how!? Enlighten me Liam” You stepped closer, feeling a pinching sensation in your palms as your claws began to grow out of your nails.

“Theo is helping-”

“And was Nolan not just helping us?” You yelled slightly, your face falling with a sadness Liam only placed as one thing.

“You actually like him” He stated emotionlessly.

“Can you blame me? He has a kind heart Liam he risked his life helping us today.  You can't judge people based on their past” You grew quieter towards the end of your statement, and Liam shut his mouth knowing he couldn't argue that against you, of all people.

“y/n….” He sighed, and walked closer to you.  “I'm sorry, it's your own decision on who you trust” You nodded slightly.

“Thank you Liam, it means a-” You paused mid sentence, hearing the familiar sound of bones crunching.  Liam must've heard it too, because you gave each other the same look.  But you busted out the doors before Liam could stop you, racing towards the sound.

“Gabe!.... Gabe st-! Gabe!” A familiar and desperate voice cried out pleadingly, continuously being cut off by a fist.

“You're a traitor” Gabe snarled.  “And we knew it, thank you for that” You ran into the room, slamming the door behind you as you watched the horrible and bloody scene in front of you.

“Let him go” You said threateningly, but Gabe didn't care.  Just turned back down to Nolan, and raised his fist again.

“You can thank your new little boyfriend here for the death of all your friends” He said, and slammed his knuckles down towards Nolan.  But they didn't reach his face.

You’d rushed over, grasping the bloodied and bruised fist before it could touch Nolan.  Gabe turned to you, trying to pry his hand from yours but your grip tightened.

“I was trying to be polite” You growled, fangs growing and eyes flickering in color.  “You should've listened” You stated before throwing him back.  He stumbled, but didn't fall.

“And you had the chance to leave with your life” Gabe taunted, flicking a knife out of his sleeve with ease, like he'd practiced it.  You growled, daring him to come closer.  Gabe snickered, the knife twirling in his fingers in a pattern you recognized.  An Argent tactic.  This only made you more furious, and your eyes glowed more permanently.

Blue.

Gabe laughed aloud humorously.  “She's a blue eyed one Nolan!” He bounced slightly as he neared you.  “This one deserves it” Gabe's hand grasped around your throat before you could slash it away.  But you didn't stay in his hold long, kicking your leg up towards his stomach and making him tumble back.

“If I'm gonna die it sure as hell won't be by your hand” You uttered, grasping him by his shirt and lifting him up with ease.  “You're gonna tell me right now everything you know about your band of murderers”

“I'm not telling you shit sweetheart” He said with an almost flirtatious grin, before he slammed his hand down and the ring dagger was lodged into your shoulder blade.  You squeaked with surprise, dropping him as your hand went to your shoulder shakily.

“y-y/n?” You heard Nolan nervously call your name, and you barely turned to him before falling into your knees.  But it was enough for him to see the blood beginning to seep through your shirt, and your icy blue irises.

Gabe took a handful of your hair, tilting you back so he could stoop over to look at you in your suffering state.

“I hope they come to your place first sweetheart.  Who's the real murderer here?” He gritted before leaving the room.  You didn't allow yourself to make a noise until even with your wolf senses you could no longer hear his retreating footsteps.  Suddenly you gasped, and yanked the blade straight from your body, another pained cry leaving your mouth.

“Are you okay?” You asked as you made your way over to Nolan.  He gave you a confused look before pushing himself up to stand.  His head nodded slightly as he rubbed the blood off of his cheeks with the sleeves of his jacket.

“Why… why'd you do that?” He asked you after debating on what to ask first.  Your hand rubbed over your shoulder in an attempt to relieve the pain.

“I heal… you don't” You said softly, and while his brows scrunched together in confusion, a slight smile grew on his lips.

“Thanks” Was all he could bring himself to say.  But the conversation ended as Liam came into the room looking panicked.

“Guys Gabe is here- what the hell happened to you two?”

“Gabe” You said at the same time.

“O-oh” Liam stammered, and you laughed quietly through a breath.  “Did you get stabbed?”

“It'll heal” You said.  “Let's all just go home” You said as the three of you began to walk out of the room and slipping discreetly through the corridors.

“Y-you can't go home” Nolan said, and Liam gave him a look.

“Why not?”

“They're coming, tonight.  If you go home they-they'll kill you” He said, looking quickly between you and Liam.  Fear coursed through you as you thought of Gabes earlier words.  I hope they come to your place first tonight sweetheart.

“They know… they know where I live they know where I-”

“Calm down, we can figure something else out” Liam said.  “There's gotta be somewhere you can go they won't find you” He said, trying to think of a safe place.

“Scotts? Malias? Lydias? They'll find me they're all supernat-”

“Stay with me” Nolan blurted before thinking it through.

“What?” Liam almost growled out.  “As if, you nearly just got her killed-”

“Are you sure?” You asked softly, eyes full of concern.

“Y-yeah I mean they wouldn't suspect that you'd be at my place s-so you'd be safe”

“Safe with you?” Liam asked, returning to his defensive arm crossing state.

“Well-well yeah I can protect-”

“Okay” You agreed in a whisper, and his eyes snapped down to yours.  “I'll stay with you” Liam's lips parted and looked at you like it was the most ridiculous thing you'd ever said, but he didn't argue it as he got in the front seat of Nolan's car.  You stood outside it for a moment, turning to Nolan as he'd opened the back door for you.

“Thank you” You said in the same soft tone, then slid into the backseat and let him close the door for you.  You bit the inside of your cheek as you let your thoughts take over.

What was happening to the Beacon Hills that you once were so fond of?

You sat in the front seat of his car, backpack held on your lap with some things that you'd picked up from home quickly.  Clothes, toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant, phone charger.  You'd grown pretty used to packing an emergency bag quickly.  Let’s just say certain threats had caused you stay at the Martin and McCall household a multitude of times.  But today was different.

“I-I feel like I should apologize” Nolan said after a few minutes of driving in silence.  But you shook your head, still staring out the window as your hands tightened on your bag.

“None of this is your fault” Was all you could say.  Because it wasn’t, and you firmly believed that it wasn’t.  If it was his fault, then you wouldn’t be alive in the car with him right now.

“But it is.  I didn’t do anything to stop it” He said, stealing a quick glance your way before looking back at the road again.  You stared at him, a slight smile beginning to sprout on our features.  He actually cared, he needed you to know he felt bad.  And you recognized it in him.  He cared.

“If you had, you’d be dead” You whispered out, and again he looked quickly towards you then back to the road.  “And you wouldn’t be able to help me if you were dead” You added with only a brief moment of hesitation.  It was quiet until a few minutes later he pulled into a driveway.  You leaned forward, peering out of the windshield to take a look at the place he lived.  

You didn’t realize you were staring at it for so long, even as you got out of the car and slung your bag over your shoulder, you still watched his quaint and cozy looking home.  A part inside of you found this humorous, how one week ago you were scared Nolan was going to kill your best friend, and now, he lived in this average, family supporting home.

“You okay? Is it okay?” He asked you, anxiously rubbing his palms down the front of his pants.

“The house?” You asked, a nervous smile on your lips at the question.  “It’s beautiful” You responded.  His mouth opened but no words came out.

Again, you slipped into silence as you went inside, and it was just as nice on the inside.  Comfortable was the word that came to mind.  This was the kind of place you wanted to study in, to read a book, take a nap on the couch, cook pasta in the kitchen.

“Sorry I keep staring” You said quietly, finally tearing your eyes away to look at Nolan  “I don’t mean to be rude, I just… am only in someone else’s house when I’m hiding there” You said, then bit your lip.  “I suppose I am hiding here though” Nolan licked his lips, kicking off his shoes and you copied the action.

“Well don’t think of it as hiding… that’ll-that’ll just freak you out”

“Alright… I’ll think of it as a play date” You chuckled, and a pink hue came to his cheeks as he laughed quietly as well.  You found yourself liking the sound.

“Yeah play date with someone you’ve never met” He sad, but you gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean? I know you” You said.

“Just cause I tried to help and failed once doesn’t-”

“No no, before all this happened I knew you” You stated, and he swore his heart stopped.  Something warm inside his chest at the thought that you knew who he was.  “I ran into you in the hall, knocked both of us down but… but I mean I met you” You shrugged a shoulder, awkwardly holding onto the strap of your backpack.

“Actually I.. I was the one who ran into you” He said, and it was quiet again for a minute before you laughed.  Ducking your head down and pushing your hair behind your ear.

“Well then I think you made it up to me today” You told him, and he let out a small chuckle.  He wanted to tell you that he’d work to make it up to you every day if it meant he was helping you stay alive, but he didn’t know how to say it in a way that didn’t sound creepy.  So instead, he sighed and stuffed his hands into his pockets.

“Well uh, after today I sort ot need a drink, want wine or-or beer? Do you drink?” You resisted the urge to laugh, but your shoulders shook a little as your lips pressed into a tight smile.

“I can’t get drunk but… I could certainly use a drink to numb the pain” You said, gesturing to the shoulder that was still bloody and didn’t hold the other strap of your backpack.  He nodded, his eyes landing the on the present wound on your shoulder, lingering there for a moment.

“Um… you- you can put your things in my room, it’s upstairs at the end of the hall on the left” You nodded, pushing it up further on your shoulder.

“Okay, thanks” You said sweetly and headed towards the staircase, as he went into the kitchen, likely to make the drinks.  You took your time going upstairs, admiring the things on the wall, photos, decorations.  It all seemed to remind you of the normality he had.  Of the normality that you both had.  Because you were both normal inside, at some point in your lives… perhaps.

You shook your head and walked a little quicker to the room he’d given you directions to.  You paused at the doorway, and suddenly understood the feeling vampires had before they were invited in.  You were no vampire, but you felt the need for common courtesy.  But instead you swallowed thickly and stepped inside.  A quick, short step that just barely placed yourself inside of his grey room.  You’d tried to keep your eyes straight, a space on the floor by his desk.  You set it down, eyes grazing over the things on his desk.  It was mostly neat, a few picture frames on it, but only one of them held an actual photo.  You frowned, picking up the only filled one.  The picture itself made you smile, one clearly from when he was younger, a family photoshoot you could find in almost any home.

“You find it okay?” You jumped when you heard him call up the steps, and set the frame back down to quickly go back down the stairs.

“Yeah yeah I’m good thanks” You said, and taking the wine glass that he held out to you.  “Oh so fancy” You said with a small grin that made him fluster.

“I-I don’t usually drink actually I… I rarely do maybe once” He said, and you nodded, taking a small sip from the glass.

“Well you’d be corrupting me because I’ve never drank anything before” You said with raised brows, and he let out the slightest of chuckles, walking towards the living room.  You followed behind him on your tiptoes, to keep quiet.  A nervous habit you had.

“I don’t think that counts, I mean, if you can’t get drunk…” He shrugged, sitting down on the couch.  You hesitated before sitting next to him, tucking a leg under yourself.

“I mean I… wasn’t a born werewolf so I had my chances if I’d wanted to” You said, staring down at the white alcohol in the glass.  “I was just too uh… I don’t know I can’t say I never got the chance I just never wanted to” He nodded slightly, eyes flickering from you to his own glass.

“When were you uh…. Like-like when did you- when-”

“When did I get bit?” You chuckled, figuring he was embarrassed about asking.  He nodded, almost dropping his glass he moved so quickly.  You giggled, tucking your hair back.

“Yeah is that- am I not supposed to ask-”

“Oh no it’s fine, I don’t mind” You said as nonchalantly as you could.  “Uh… anyways I was bit in my freshman year, with Scott, sorta.  He was a tenth grader then” You said, and he nodded like he was very familiar with the event.  But in truth he hadn’t known as much about the alpha as the pack would’ve thought.

Nolan just nodded, unsure of how to continue the conversation without making you more uncomfortable than you probably already were.

“You can ask questions if you want” You told him with a slight shrug of your shoulders.  “I don’t mind much” You added, and the both of you took a long drink.

“I don’t wanna make you uncomf-”

“You don’t” You said, an honest glint in your eyes that made him relax a little.  He didn’t know how, but he did.  He felt… safe.  For the first time in a while.

Four glasses of wine later and the both of you were feeling bubbly and had never been so open with one another.  You’ll admit, once Nolan started talking more you did too.

“So… you’re not a Hale?” He asked, setting the now empty glass in his hand on the coffee table.

“No, I’m still a l/n” You giggled out.  “Peter just gave me the bite.  He just sorta raised me”

“Sorta raised you?”

“I mean yeah… I stayed at the loft with him and Derek for a while when I was still learning control.  Peter never held back on me” You said, putting your glass next to his, and turning to face him on the sofa.  Your back against the armrest and your legs pulled up to your chest.  “It’s weird… a mix of being raised by Melissa McCall, the sweetest woman on earth, and… Peter.  Who’s… Peter”

“That’s actually kinda cool” He said, and your face flushed instantly.

“Really?” You asked.

“Yeah well-well I think so” He said, fiddling with his fingers and was unable to keep your gaze for more than two seconds.  But you kept shyly watching him from under your eyelashes.  “I mean, it’d be nice to know you can protect yourself” You frowned slightly.

“I’m sure you could protect yourself fine.  I’ve seen you walking around with that crossbow” You told him, and his head snapped up.

“That was once I-I-I didn’t even shoot it I swear-”

“I believe you” You softly cut him off.

“I just don’t want to freak you out” He said, surprised that he didn’t stutter once.  But a calmness came over him as he stared at you, all huddled up in your corner of the couch.  Your hair messy from the mishap at the hospital, but your eyes soft and your smile gentle.

“You don’t freak me out.  I thought I’d be the scary one” You replied, and again pushed your hair back behind your ear.  “Especially after today, with the… with the… the eyes…” You said slowly.  Now you were the nervous one, eyes boring an invisible hole through your legs.

“Oh..” Was all he could say, and you nearly put your head down on your knees.

“I know I- I didn’t think I would show- I-”

“y/n” You looked up, a nervous, scared expression on your face.  “They were a beautiful blue” He told you, and your breath hitched at the sudden seriousness in is tone.

“I take the life of an innocent and you think that’s beautiful?”  You asked him, and he thought for a moment before speaking again.

“Well I don’t know your story, it could be more than that” This time you audibly choked, and the part inside of him, that deep part in his chest, that held all of his buried feelings for you, longed to reach out, to hold your fragile face in his hands.  But he stayed put.

“It is” You whispered.  “It is” Your eyes peeked up to see his, a beautiful crystal blue that almost matched yours, that is when you shifted.  Nolan was quiet, not wanting to pry you open, but let you do it yourself.  You sniffled quietly, pulling the sleeves of your shirt down over your hands, to make paws that you could curl your fingers around and feel comfort in.

He almost reached out and set his hand on yours.

“Gerard… he knew I was… he knew…” You trailed off, staring off towards nowhere, but it didn’t matter because you didn’t make eye contact with Nolan, you didn’t have to see a disappointed gaze.  “He lured me in… tricked me… said he had my sister… oh god my baby sister” A sob racked it’s way through your body, your shoulders lurching forward as your hand covered over your mouth.  A few sniffles and clumsily wiping your tears away later, you continued.  “I got there, and I watched him, he… he buried his stupid sword through her my little sister my baby Bella… Isabella…” It’d been a long time since you’d said her name aloud, and something about it felt surreal.

Nolan nodded, seeing where your story was going.  He wanted to tell you that you didn’t have to go on, that he understood, that he wasn’t, and would never be afraid of you.  But he could see you, you needed this, even though it hurt you to speak about, he knew you need it.

“I had to take her she… she was hurting” You finished, wiping at your eyes with your sleeves and shaking your head as though trying to rid the bad memories.  “I’m sorry I got so emotional-”

“No, no it’s fine” He said, and you watched him nervously as you wiped your cheeks clean of your wet fat tears.  “I get it, completely”

“It’s just I know you and.., and Gerard-”

“No” He cut you off again, and you stared intently at him.  “I’m not- he and I aren’t… we’re not on the same side” You blinked, a smile growing on your lips at the confirmation of his words.  “Look I… I want to help people and killing everyone… I can’t kill people that’s-”

“Welcome to the team, Nolan Holloway” You said quietly, your smile widening at the idea of being on the same side again.  “I was hoping you’d change your mind” You said more bashfully, and he laughed awkwardly.

“Yeah?” You nodded, biting on the inside of your cheek.  “Yeah well I’m glad” Nolan said.  “T-to be on the same side, that is” You giggled and nodded again.  “You could’ve gotten off on a better start then shoving me on the floor last year, but I can look past that and move on” You said, and he smiled with a nod.

“Better start?” He asked, and you stood up from the couch, holding your hand out to him for him to shake.

“Hi, I’m y/n l/n, and I’m a werewolf” You said with a cheeky smile.  Nolan sit upright on the sofa, taking your hand gently in his and shaking.

“Nolan Holloway, anxious teenager” He greeted back and you laughed, a bright sound that made him smile and forget that he was still holding onto your hand.  But you didn’t mind, just smiled and pretended as though you’d forgotten too.  “You know, the y/e/c is prettier than the blue” He said aloud, and the second he realized he did, a complete look of fear washed over him, not having meant to say such a truth to you.

Your cheeks turned a ripe shade of red, and your lips parted just slightly, never having heard something so sweet before.  You weren’t even sure what to say, you just stood there, still holding onto his hand and stared at him, like a deer in headlights.  If the headlights were the most beautiful thing the deer had ever seen that is.

“I-I shouldn’t have said that out loud I’m sorry that was… oh god that was creepy” You sat down on the couch next to him, closer than you had been before.  His hand left yours to anxiously rub down to his knee.

“It wasn’t creepy” You said softly, your eyes flickering between his, as though searching for something.  A small breath of laughter passed through your lips when you smiled at him.  You could hear his heartbeat beneath his chest, a steady but quick pumping.  He was nervous.  “Nolan?” You called his name in a quiet, unsure tone, your eyes flicking just a few inches down and staying there for a moment.

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to… uhm…” You lickd over your lips as you stared at his, trying to remember what you were going to say.  “I wanted to thank you.. Again.  I mean you’re risking your life by me being here and…” You looked up at him, only to find his own eyes were glued somewhere else.  When he realized you’d caught him staring at your now unmoving lips.

“Yeah it’s really no problem” He said, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously.

God, if he’d just leaned in just a little, just a few inches, he’d be kissing the girl that he’d been harboring feelings towards for far too long now.

“None at all I mean I owe you anyways.  Gabe probably would’ve killed me” You chuckled slightly.

“And if he hadn’t Liam probably would have” You stated with raised brows, knowing exactly who would’ve walked out of that fight with his life.

“Maybe Liam would’ve made it quick” He said , his head ducking down for a moment before lifting back up to look at you.  Time froze for a moment, but neither of you dared move an inch.  You stayed in place, both waiting for the other to give them a sign.  “y/n…” You nodded slightly in response, eyes looking between his more desperately than before.  “Don’t kill me” Was all he said, before his hands cupped your face and pulled your lips against his.

You melted into the kiss almost instantly, your eyes fluttering shut and your arms wrapping around his neck, shuffling up closer to him until your chests pressed together.  You kissed with passion and happiness and every feeling you’d had since you’d run into him that day in junior year.  A short sigh escaped your lips as he pulled you impossibly closer.  You almost fell against him you leaned so close, and it made you laugh quietly, causing you to pull away.  Nolan laughed at your bashfulness, feeling confidence (for the first time ever) when he noticed the bright blush on your cheeks and the way your eyes were too nervous to look into his for too long.

“Was that your first kiss?” He asked you, like it was an utterly unbelievable statement.  You nodded, your bottom lip tucked between your teeth.  His brows furrowed, carefully tucking that damned loose strand of hair of yours back behind your ear.

“What?” You asked quietly.  The realization that neither of you hd moved away from each other hit you, and it made you feel bubbly.

“I want to do it again” He said simply, and you let out a small laugh.

“Then do it again” You said, already leaning towards him again.  Nolan’s lips quirked up in a smile before he slanted his lips over yours, a gentle, slow kiss that made you just want to fall into him again.

Maybe that’s why it’s called falling for someone.

“Monroe would’ve killed you” You mumbled, lips brushing over his just barely.  You opened your eyes to look up to his, finding them already set on you.

“She would’ve killed you” He replied, but you scrunched up your nose and shook your head.

“I don’t think so” You said, and his brows raised.

“You-you think you would’ve survived her without me?” Your lips pursed and your fingers brushed just slightly into the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Without you?” You repeated.  “You were gonna protect me against that crazy ass bitch with a silver bullet shooting gun?” You asked, your interest peaked at how Nolan believed he’d keep you safe from Miss Monroe.

“Sure I would’ve” He shrugged, and you rolled your eyes.

“Nolan, you didn’t even like me till five minutes ago”

“y/n, I’ve been in love with you for the past year and a half” He replied in your same bored tone.  You pulled back slightly in shock from his words, and again he wished he hadn’t spoken aloud.

Your eyes were wide and your hands slid from behind his neck to his shoulders, before falling down to your lap.

“You- you’re in love with me?” You whispered, and his uneasy eyes inspecting yours.

“Uh well… well…” He tried to think of something, anything to make this situation way less embarrassing than it already was.

You were so close Nolan, and now you’ve screwed it up.  It hasn’t even been two minutes.

“Nolan?” You asked, leaning forwards just enough to slide your hands into his.  “Y-you’re making me nervous please answer”

“Yes” He stated quickly.  “Yes I-I am” He waited, sitting there watching you as you remained under the same shocked expression.  “Look you can just forget-”

But you shook your head, a watery sort of laugh passing through your lips.

“No no, you better not apologize this time” You scolded quietly.  “Please god don’t-don’t take that back” You said, another watery laugh coming through you as a few tears welled in your eyes.  You’d never been told before that you were loved, not by someone who wasn’t your parents, or one of the pack members after a near-death experience.

“Ok-okay then-then can you say something? Maybe? You’re freaking me out”

“Sorry! Oh sorry” You said, and quickly leaned forward to press your lips against his.  But as soon as Nolan reacted, you were pulling away.  He pouted for the briefest of moments from the loss of contact.  “I would like to fall in love with you too” You said, and he couldn’t help the big grin that came to his lips.

“I could handle that” And it was about the most confident thing he’d ever said.

But that was the truth, he’d very much like for you to fall just as much in love with him as he was to you.

(And for the reader’s purpose, you did far quicker than either of you thought you would)

awe this is for @high-functioning-fangirl02 bc she’s there for me when no one else is and she’s just my ray of sunshine.  ANDDD loving Nolan is our thing.  cuz the lil bean needs some lovin

xoxo ~ jordie

(also i have a mitch imagine comin up cuz i feel bad about not writing in a while)

[shintaroux]

In the next room

I

The door of the apartment next door was opened by a short, red-haired boy with two diagonal, uneven scratch marks that ran across his lips and down to his chin. It brought ruin to his otherwise spotless, pale face and piercing, mesmerizing eyes.

“I’m sorry for disturbing you in your home, but is this animal yours?” Midorima said and held out a Persian kitten whose fluffy, white fur was warm around his fingers.

Wordlessly, the red-haired boy took the kitten and held it to his face, his hurt lips stretching into a small smile.

“Welcome back, Tei”, he said and hugged the kitten to his chest. The kitten didn’t seem to happy to be there. “Thank you for bringing him back. Could you perhaps tell me where you’ve found him?”

Midorima pushed his glasses up, feeling irrationally inadequate under his gaze. “I found him in my apartment. My doors seem to have not been properly closed.”

“I see. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Midorima gave a small, barely noticeable nod. “That is quite alright. Have a good day,” he replied and was about to walk back into his apartment when he was lightly pulled back by the hem of his shirt. He glanced back. “Yes?”

“How come I haven’t seen you around before? You are quite…conspicuous.”

Midorima self-consciously brushed his green fringe out of his face and then tugged on one of four piercings on his ears. He was certain that he looked suspicious more than conspicuous.

“I’ve just moved in.”

The red-haired boy seemed relieved by this piece of information, as if not knowing something of this calibre would have damaged his pride. “Welcome to the neighbourhood. I am Akashi Seijurou.”

Midorima’s eyes narrowed when Akashi offered him his free hand to shake. His fingers were long, thin and in poorly-wrapped bandages. Midorima accepted the handshake.

“Midorima Shintarou.”

The kitten, Tei, mewled in Akashi’s arms.

“I’ll see you around, then, Shintarou.”

II

Midorima had his next encounter with Akashi the following day.  

He was in the bathroom putting his ear piercings in; he felt relief upon seeing that the redness around them had almost disappeared. When he first had his ears pierced, he often tugged at the piercings or clasped them in too hard. It became a nervous habit of his. Lately, he’s got it under control.

That was when he heard faint scratching noise coming from his front door. He rushed to open them only to see an empty hallway. Puzzled, he attempted to close the door when he heard a soft mewl from beneath his feet.

It was Tei.

“What do you want?” He asked and looked down at the kitten. Tei’s ears wiggled and his beady light-blue eyes looked up at Midorima with expectation.

Midorima picked him up and held him on the palm of his hand while he was carrying him over to the apartment next door. The doors to the apartment were wide open. Midorima wondered if Akashi was fit to take care of a pet if he couldn’t even complete a simple task of closing the doors after himself. Perhaps Midorima had mistaken the knowing glint in Akashi’s eyes for something entirely different.

Midorima knocked on the doors, out of courtesy, and let himself into a narrow hallway without having heard a reply. He was closing the doors behind him just as Akashi walked in, massaging his neck as if it was stiff.

“Don’t tell me he ran out again?” Akashi said in a low voice.

“You should take better care of your pets,” Midorima warned; he only meant to lightly lecture him – it wasn’t his place to teach Akashi about his lifestyle after all – but he ended up sounding cross.

Akashi’s eyes widened ever-so-slightly at the remark before he regained his composure. “I apologize for the inconvenience, again,” he said, flat, and went over to take Tei out of Midorima’s palm, “but he had never run out of my apartment before. Until you moved in.”

“Are you trying to say it’s my fault?”

Akashi smiled disarmingly. It didn’t quite reach his eyes. “No, not at all. It’s just a curious coincidence.”

Midorima crossed his arms. “Well then, make sure to close your doors when you leave or enter from now on,” Midorima said and, expecting this conversation to be over, reached for the door handle.

“I had a good reason this time. Want to see?”

Midorima should’ve walked out of his apartment that instant but the way Akashi invited him in sounded a lot like a dare rather than an offer; an offer he could refuse, but a dare threaded in the territory of Midorima’s pride and curiosity.

That’s why Midorima followed Akashi into his living room.

The room was almost a mirror image of Midorima’s: naked, dull walls, two small bookshelves barely holding their ground under the pressure of numerous books and minimalistic furniture. There was a red litter box and a bowl of water and animal food in the corner, and two huge, heavy-looking boxes in the middle of the room.

Akashi sat next to one of the boxes and motioned for Midorima to sit down too.

“This is why I couldn’t close the doors. I barely brought these in…” Akashi spoke as he opened one of the boxes with a box cutter to reveal what might’ve been a myriad of ancient-looking books.

“How did you bring these in?”

“Like I’ve said, barely. My neck paid the price,” Akashi replied and began taking the books out, one by one. He brushed his palm over each cover, as if he were momentarily admiring it, and then put it on its designated place on the floor. Tei moseyed around the books, sniffing them and rubbing his nose onto those he found most ‘appealing’.

“May I help you? What are these for?” Midorima inquired; he felt slightly overwhelmed by the sight of so many books that looked foreign.

“I would appreciate your help, thank you. I need to choose which of these I love enough to keep and which I should give away to the local library.”

Midorima blinked, realization sweeping over him. “How am I supposed to help you with that…?”

Akashi was silent for a while before he replied: “You can’t, really. I just didn’t want you to leave my apartment.” When he looked up, the pupils of his mismatched eyes dilated and Midorima found himself unable to move a muscle.

They sat in silence; Akashi was going through the books quickly, touching each, estimating its worth, and then putting them on their designated piles. Midorima observed idly, touching only those books whose covers caught his eyes. He knew he wasn’t reading as much as he used to – downside of being a busy Medicine student – and being surrounded by so many words he had never read scratched an old itch.

Like that, the morning went by in a flash and Midorima had to excuse himself only when he had to leave for classes. Akashi (and Tei) seemed somewhat reluctant to let him go.

III

“Why do you keep a cat if you don’t get along with it?” Midorima inquired. His curiosity was sincere and sparked by yet another scratch across Akashi’s face – this time his right cheek.

It was night and they were both outside on their adjacent balconies. The autumn breeze was persistent, but tender across Midorima’s skin but he focused more on the way Akashi’s hair fluttered and how he hugged himself to keep himself warm.

“What makes you think we don’t get along?”

“You look like you wrestle a tiny tiger every day. And lose miserably.”

Akashi chuckled. Midorima must’ve imagined it.

“You mean these scratch marks?” Akashi said and touched the fresh cut on his cheek. Those on his lip were starting to fade. “Tei and I do get along. He just takes after his previous owner: good at sensing emotions and not cutting me any slack. Competitive and moody. We are quite alike, that’s why we may have our disagreements.”

As if he had been worried Midorima might ask more questions, Akashi continued: “Why are you up at this hour?”

Midorima had a tendency to study deep into the night. He found the silence soothing, and knowing that he was racing with the dawn gave him an incentive to work harder and faster.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Midorima countered but, upon seeing Akashi’s glance sideways at him with what could be ‘that didn’t answer my question’ look, added: “I study Medicine.”

Akashi leaned on the short wall between them and rested his head on his palm, his mouth half covered by it. He murmured: “What an unusual Medicine student.”

“Is it because of these?” Midorima asked and gently tugged at his piercings.

“Yes, but I like them. You’ll have to take them out eventually, though.”

Midorima brushed past the compliment. “I know, that’s why I want to wear them now,” Midorima tucked his hair behind his ears, self-conscious. “So, why are you awake?”

“I can’t fall asleep,” Akashi confessed with a weary sigh.

“Lie on your back and hug Tei; future doctor’s prescription.”

Akashi bestows a languid smile. “Don’t be silly, Shintarou, I don’t want to lose an eye.”

IV

Midorima rationalized his intricate desire to hang out at Akashi’s place with the fact that he hadn’t made any other friends in the apartment complex. Maybe he didn’t even try; maybe he would’ve if he hadn’t knocked on Akashi’s doors with his cat in his hands on the very first day.

However it may be, Midorima found Akashi’s company pleasant. Akashi was an intern at his father’s company who was still learning the ropes. When he talked about his future profession he didn’t sound nearly as enthusiastic as he did when he talked about books, many of which Midorima had never heard of. And once they had engaged in a conversation, it could last for hours, never once depleting in topics or arguments.

Tei was also significantly fonder of him than of Akashi. Akashi had tried numerous ways to acquire Tei’s affections whereas Midorima acquired them effortlessly. He had learned that Tei was particularly sensitive around his ears and when petted there, he fell asleep within minutes.

Sometimes, while Midorima was sipping on Akashi’s home-brewed coffee, Akashi would sit on the couch next to him and scoot over until their shoulders touched.

“He lets me pet him when he lies on your lap.” Akashi noted as he, indeed, stroked Tei’s head without being scratched or bitten.

Midorima was filled with awe at the serenity of Akashi’s face; he wanted to reach out and touch it for himself but he was afraid the moment might pass. So he sat and eased into the gentle tremor of his body whenever Akashi moved to pet Tei.

Midorima realized that he might’ve unknowingly adopted two unfathomable cats.

V

After one particularly exhausting day at college, Midorima swung by Akashi’s place for dinner and a cup of coffee before his nightly study-sessions.

He fell asleep on Akashi’s couch, cradling Tei in his lap, and woke up covered with a soft, green blanket that wasn’t long enough to cover his feet.

VI

Midorima had only meant to tease Akashi a little when he raised Tei to his face and said: “I want a kiss.”

Stone-faced Akashi blinked a few times and, before Midorima could comprehend what his intentions were, reached for the back of Midorima’s neck and pulled him down to press a close-mouthed kiss to his cheek.

“You could’ve just asked for it without shoving a cat in my face, Shintarou.”

VII

Somewhere between studying on Akashi’s couch, appreciating candid smiles he saw on Akashi’s face when he (albeit rarely) successfully gained Tei’s approval to pet him, and supporting each other with their studies did Midorima realize that this comfortable, homely atmosphere was what he had been searching for all along.

So when Akashi popped the question: “Shintarou, why don’t you move in with me?” Midorima almost spat out the coffee he was drinking.

“Did you just subtly skip the ‘will you go out with me’ question?” Midorima asked, fraught with worry that he had misunderstood the implication.  

“Depends. Are you going to say ‘yes’?”

Buoyed by Akashi’s appealing voice, Midorima answered: “Yes. Yes to all.”

VIII

“Tei, you are not to come in between us,” Akashi warned. Tei was lying in between them on the bed, keeping them separated. The kitten paid no attention to them once it had settled down.

“I don’t think he approves of our relationship,” Midorima concluded and stroked the fluffy fur on Tei’s back.

The bed creaked when Akashi repositioned himself to the other side of Midorima so he could snuggle closer without Tei as an obstacle. Tei reacted almost immediately and climbed atop Midorima’s chest where he made sure Akashi couldn’t make a move.

“Are you seriously competing with a cat?” Midorima raised an eyebrow even though he thought this childish side of Akashi was endearing.

“I never lose, Shintarou.”

Tei mewled, as if accepting the challenge.

Midorima thought, with fondness, that he had, indeed, adopted two extremely difficult cats. But he wouldn’t want it any other way.

[kpopfanfictrash]

Addewid (IV)

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: You / Kai (Jongin)

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,703

Summary: “You cannot appeal to my better nature, for I have none. I am not human, little one.”

You’ve always known you were different. You’re able to see them, after all, able to see the Others. You’ve also always ignored them. Until the day comes where you’re forced to make a choice - one that throws your world into chaos. And sends you down a path you might never return from.

The next time her husband left, she slipped down to the cellar. The door there was ajar so she held her breath as she pushed it open. The girl recoiled in horror when she saw what was within. There, hung from the walls, were all the bodies of his previous wives.

The girl screamed, tried to run - but Bluebeard was already there.

This is the story which comes to mind as I push open my door. My own scream dies when I recognize the shape of what’s inside.

A girl.

The Understanding

A portrait of a girl.

It’s not the only thing in the room, of course. There’s a bed in the corner, a wardrobe on the side. The place also looks as though it’s been unused for a decade. A century. A millennium - who knows, given Kai’s immortality. A thick layer of dust covers everything but the candle flickering on the mantelpiece.

The light illuminates the portrait of the young woman. Not a girl, as I originally assumed but then - not woman, either. I see that she’s Fey, pointed ears peeking from beneath wispy layers of hair. She’s smiling, half-turned from the frame as though asking the observer to follow, wanting to be caught.

I hardly realize I’ve entered the room until I’m standing before the painting, hand outstretched. Fingertips mere inches away from it’s surface.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING.”

The voice is thunderous and I nearly trip as I whirl, stumbling over the bedpost before catching myself on the mantle. The movement shakes the painting on the wall behind me and I see Kai’s eyes widen. 

He darts forward, looking anything but composed. His features right now are wild, out of control and as a result I don’t know how to react. 

He rights the painting, hands hovering on the edge as silence overtakes the room. Still facing him, I watch his shoulders tighten. Hunching as he takes a deep breath to control himself. The silver metal around his neck gleams in the candlelight.

My breath freezes in the air. I recognize the pale, misty shape and stare at it because it makes no sense. The inside of the house has always been warm. My body shivers though and I realize Kai is the one making things this way. Kai is the one freezing the air. 

When he speaks, his voice cuts the silence like metal.

“Get out.” 

I should leave but his voice is so low, filled with a pain, that for some reason I step forward. Moving towards him until suddenly he turns, gaze snapping upwards and I recoil. 

“I said,” Kai breathes, his eyes wide and furious. “Get. OUT.” 

On his last word, he loses it. Eyes clenched, jaw hard as shards of ice erupt from his body. They seek purchase in the mirror behind me, shattering it’s surface in rainbow piece which fall to the floor.

His face is dark, throat silver and the scream which leaves my body is panicked. Kai takes another step forward and I don’t know whether he means to attack or apologize. I no longer care to find out though, and bolt towards the door. Throwing this open to skid around corridors, hands groping for railings, doors - anything to propel myself onward. 

Kai doesn’t follow me, though I act as if he does. Screwing my eyes shut and unable to block out his anger.  His all-consuming, fiery rage that reigned down around me.

It’s all I see as I burst through the twin doors at the end of the hall. Scrambling left, throwing open the door to my wing and thanking whatever gods that Muriel has finished cleaning. I slam my door shut. Lock it. Decide this isn’t good enough and painstakingly drag my wardrobe before it. Pushing and shoving, ignoring the dry scrape of wood on wood as I shove it into place.

When I’m done, I’m heaving. Panting as I draw air into my lungs. Glaring at the door, I fume at the beast beyond it. I know I’m partly wrong – I know I’m also at fault, but how dare he. How dare that thing lose his temper and threaten my life, all over a room?

I don’t know why I’m even surprised. How many times do I have to remind myself he’s other before I believe it? Kai is not human. Kai does not understand rules and feelings like I do.

He uses his magic in a way that’s not human. Fights animals in a way that’s not human. Of course he doesn’t have the same understanding of right and wrong. Of course he holds no respect for me or for my life. With a dull thud, I fall onto my bed. No - his bed. His bed, his room, his house. His forbidden hallways and forbidden portrait.

As I lie there, the ring of anger fading in my ears, I wonder who that woman was. I assume was because how could one be so angry over someone who is? Or perhaps she left and maybe that’s why Kai is so hurt by it. But then, death is just another kind of leaving.

Slowly, I roll over. Resting on one side to draw my knees into my chest. I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to be happy. I will never be happy here because I will never belong. 

That’s dramatic. My surroundings seem to call for it though – so extreme and out of place from anything I’ve known before. I find my thoughts drifting once more to my father. To his face, his voice. To the pancakes he would make in the mornings and books he would read me at night.

I sit up to stare at my own reflection in the mirror. Now that I’ve pushed my wardrobe away, I can see myself clearly. It’s not a pretty sight. My braid is loose and undone, clothing wrinkled. My eyes are swollen – I suppose the one benefit of crying without makeup is there are no mascara trails to stain my cheeks. Thinking this almost brings a smile to my face. What a pitiful, sad little happiness to find.

I’m still like this when someone tries to open my door hours later. “What in the world?”

The voice is Muriel’s and I wince shoving myself off my bed. Throwing myself against the wardrobe from my side to push it back. Now that I’m coming down from my anger, I’m realizing how silly this action was. Kai is Fey. He could easily enter if he wanted to.

 “Coming,” I call, pressing harder against the wood.

“What’s going on in there?” Muriel’s voice sounds confused. 

Pushing harder, I struggle more. “I, uh, the door is stuck!”

“Then why do I hear you pushing something?”

I fall back, sagging against the enormous wardrobe which now refuses to move. I must have been half-crazed to push it in the first place. “I shoved my wardrobe in front of the door,” I explain feebly.

“What?” Muriel sounds like she’s laughing. “Why would you do that?”

“For my protection.”

There’s a long pause from the other side of the door, before Muriel sighs. “Step aside, child.”

I stay there until I’m able to shake my notion that all Fey – no matter which Fey – bring fear and death in their stead. “Okay,” I say at last, stepping aside. “I’m away.”

“Further.”

Frowning, I take another step into the room. “Good?”

“Good.”

Slowly, the wardrobe slides from the door. Moving inch by inch until I’m left staring wide-eyed at my room back in place. My bedroom door moves to open but sticks, handle jiggling wildly.

“Child.” Muriel sounds exasperated. “Please unlock the door.”

Coming to my senses, I hurry across the room. Pulling on my handle until it unlocks and when it opens, Muriel glares from the other side. “What were you thinking?” she asks, stepping across the threshold.

I peer down the hallway before stepping back, firmly shutting the door. “I was trying to keep Kai out.” I cross my arms.

“The Master?” Muriel’s eyebrow rise. “What did he do now, offer you another pillow? Heal your skin? Accept some deranged, half-bit promise you begged him to consider?”

At this last piece, you frown. “What?”

Muriel shakes her head, waving this aside. “Never mind. What did he do now?”

“He shattered a mirror,” I say defensively.

Muriel doesn’t seem too surprised. “And?”

I turn towards her, mouth dropping. “And,” I’m sputtering. “He almost hit me! He shot ice at me and didn’t flinch! Didn’t even blink!”

That’s not true. Kai flinched when he lost control. I saw it on his face, felt the twinge in his motions. There was horror when he snapped, visible for the spit-second before he hid his head.  

Muriel frowns, glancing at the door. “Ice? He used ice?”

I nod, allowing that sink in.

“Well.” Muriel considers. “Tell me what happened before. What did you say before the occurrence?”

“I went to the East Wing,” I say, for some reason feeling defensive. “I saw the room at the end of the hall.”

Muriel stills. When I look over at her, there’s a sadness in her eyes I’ve never seen before. It’s this, more than anything which convinces me that perhaps I’ve actually done something wrong. 

Maybe Kai doesn’t understand me, doesn’t understand my human emotions. But then... I don’t understand him, either.

“You… didn’t go inside, did you?” Muriel asks. 

“I did.”

“Oh, gods.” Muriel closes her eyes, making a funny motion with her hand over her chest. “The child is an idiot.”

“Hey!” I frown, crossing my arms. “I am not.”

“Oh, really?” Muriel’s eyes snap open. “Going into the one wing the Master forbade you from? Walking down a long, untouched hallway? Opening a lit room? How dense are you, child?”

Repeated back to me, I see what she means. Had I been watching this in a horror movie, I would have thrown popcorn at the screen. “You’re right,” I admit, slightly dazed. “It was not the most intelligent of decisions.”

Muriel lets out a low laugh. “No. It was not.” 

With a wave of her hand, dust wipes itself clean from my wardrobe. She exhales, watching the dust motes scatter in the light. “All the same,” she mutters, almost aside. “The Master was wrong to frighten you.”

Hardly daring to believe my own ears, I sink on the edge of my bed. “I can’t say I cared for it.”

“He’s wrong, you’re wrong. What a mess.” Muriel murmurs to herself as she crosses my bedroom. Picking up things I don’t remember having tossed on the floor.

“I can do that,” I say, half-rising.

“Sit.” Muriel points at my sheets. “I don’t want you ruining anything else today.”

Slowly, I sit back down. Fold my hands in my lap and stare at my reflection in the mirror. My thoughts inevitably fall on Kai. Kai and his horribly blank expression while he scared me away. I shake my head. I need to think about something else. Need to continue to be angry.

“Why do you look older than Kai?” 

Muriel snorts. “You think I look old?”

“Not old,” I say quickly. “Just older. Kai looks as though he’s around the same age I am. Whereas you look fully grown.”

Scoffing, Muriel resumes cleaning. “It’s by choice, love. Or rather… oh, it’s difficult to explain.”

I pull my legs up under myself. “Try me.”

She looks over at me, deciding something. “It’s a reflection,” she explains. “How we view our age projected to the world. Right now I’m tired, Y/N.” 

I start, realizing it’s the first time she’s said my name out loud. I didn’t know that she knew it. 

“I’m tired and worried for the Master, and so I appear old.”

Her answer surprises me. For many reasons, one of which makes me frown. “You’re… worried for him.”

Muriel picks up my clothes to bring them to my dresser. “Is that so hard to believe?” 

“I just, well.” I stare at her. “Kind of. He’s been nothing but horrible and cold. He barely speaks, kidnapped me, frog-marched me through the forest, wouldn’t let me sleep...”

I trail off as I recall exactly why he wouldn’t let me sleep. People who fall asleep in the cold often don’t wake up. I remember him carrying me to his manor. Him saving me from frostbite. Offering me dinner, granting me free reign in his household. Trust I repaid by going to the one place he asked me not to go. 

Something he asked not out of spite or maliciousness, as I’d assumed but because the place held special meaning. The room is precious to Kai and he didn’t want me, a stranger, to disturb that.

I play with the threads of my bed and when I look back up, Muriel is watching me. Her expression softens and I know she’s thinking the same things I am. Because of this, I turn away. “Still.” My own voice sounds foreign. “I can’t be worried for him. He is my worry - he’s Fey.”

“I understand that.” Muriel faces my hamper, shutting it. “All the same, I worry for him. The Master has a troubled past and I don’t think he understands what he’s doing any more than you do. But underneath it all… he means well.”

I bite back my retort, not wanting to fight. I have nothing left to be angry at and so I sigh, drawing my legs up to my chest. “All the same,” I muse. “I think I would rather be alone right now.”

Muriel stops, looking over her shoulder. “I understand that, too.” With a wave of one hand, the rest of my room slides into place. She ignores the way my mouth drops open and walks out the door. 

“Goodnight, child,” Muriel says, pausing in the hall. “The door still locks – if you have need.”

Then she’s gone, disappeared around the corner and leaving me staring at an empty room. Sliding off my bed, I pad over to my door. Twisting the knob and hearing a satisfying click. At least I still have this room. My one, small, haven of peace.

I wander around inside for a while, though there’s not much to look at. My bed, my window, my wardrobe. I end up staring out this window for a while, memorizing the lay of the land. Most of Kai’s manor is surrounded by forest. It creeps on all sides, brushing the walls with evergreen boughs. Everything is covered in a light layer of snow. A sprinkling powder which makes the view seem softer.

It’s funny how snow is like that. Both soft and hard all at once. A light sprinkling, a feathery dusting while also being sharp and cold. The dichotomy of snow is confusing, much like Kai. My gaze moves unwittingly to the door from which he still hasn’t tried to enter.

I don’t know I thought he would. I didn’t really think at all about how Kai would react, aside from my own fear and sense of foreboding. I wonder if he’s still in that room, stuck staring at the picture of that woman. Sitting down, I wonder what happened to have him act that way. Not caring to think much about it, I bury my face in my pillows. Pulling my blankets up and over my head. 

I don’t leave my room for three days.

Muriel stops by, dropping hints I should clean myself up. I should go downstairs. I should find the Master. Offer an apology. Each time she says things like this I turn up my nose, crossing my arms and looking out the window. 

I will not apologize. Not until he apologizes first.

Maybe I’m being stubborn but I can’t help but feel he has more to be sorry for. I’m the one who’s had everything taken from her. I’m the one stolen to another land, told she’ll never see those she loves again. All I did was look at a portrait.

No, Kai needs to apologize first. Or at the very least, offer some semblance of explanation. Apparently he’s too stubborn to do so, though. The days pass by like this, neither of us willing to make the first move. 

I say neither of us, because I know Muriel is saying the same things to him that she is me. I’m fairly silent in my room – since I have no one to talk to – so I overhear much of what goes on in the household.

Even conversations which happen early in the morning, when everyone thinks I’m asleep. It’s hard now for me to sleep, though. I find myself drifting in and out of consciousness a lot, sleeping at odd times of day like a cat. Curled up in places that have nothing to do with my bed. That’s where I am when Kai and Muriel speak outside my door.

“Go in,” Muriel whispers, her voice dropping in a nearly unrecognizable whisper.

Kai exhales - the sound of it low, impatient. It sounds as though they’re right outside my door. “No. Why should I? She disobeyed.”

“Disobeyed?” Muriel sounds angry. “She’s not a dog.”

“You’re right. A dog would be more pleasant company.”

Muriel clucks her tongue. “You frightened her,” she scolds. “You used your powers, your majesty.”

There’s a long pause. “I know.”

Muriel doesn’t respond, waiting for him to realize.

“I know.” Kai’s voice is softer now. He says something to Muriel that I don’t hear. Then he sighs. “Fine. I’ll do something.”

The sounds of footsteps fade away. I fall asleep soon after, so it’s hard for me to remember if the conversation was merely a dream. At least, until one morning there comes a knock at my door.

Its early, judging from the state of the sun in the sky. I’ve been up for hours, unable to sleep longer than that. As I open my door, expecting to see Muriel on the other side, I nearly shut it when I find myself face to face with a tall, light-haired stranger.

Prince Kai stares back, arms laced firmly behind his back. When I move to shut him out he sticks out a foot, effectively stopping my motion. “May I come in?” he asks.

I want to say no. Want to push him away but Muriel’s words filter through my subconscious. Underneath it all… he means well. After a long moment of staring, I step aside.

A flicker of surprise crosses his face. Kai’s expression shutters as he moves into my room. He scans our surroundings, somewhat curiously.

“What do you want?” I cross my arms.

His curiosity disappears and I watch him struggle to remain calm. “I came here to apologize.”

This stops whatever retort was in my mouth. “You… what?”

He nods. Just once, but it’s there. 

“I was angry and I lost control. I apologize for frightening you.” 

There’s something almost like frustration in his expression. Not at me, though - I rather get the feeling that Kai is frustrated with himself.

Slowly, I let my arms fall to my sides. The longer I stare at him, the more things change around us. For the first time since we’ve met, his brow is clear. He’s looking at me now, not through me and I feel for some reason that Kai is being sincere.

The wall I’ve built to keep him out doesn’t feel quite so tall. “I want to apologize as well,” I hear myself say. “For going into that room in the first place. It clearly holds special meaning for you.”

Kai doesn’t answer, though his face softens. “Apology accepted.”

We stand there like that, looking at one another until I realize his arms are still behind his back. “What are you doing?” I stare suspiciously at his hands. “Scared you’ll hit me with ice powers again?”

Kai winces. “No,” he says, bringing his arms before him. “I just wanted to bring you these.”

“Books,” I exhale, looking on in wonder. “You… brought me books?”

The Fey Prince holds five tomes of all shapes and size. Leather, paperback, gold lettering, plain. The books are varied and Kai looks down at them almost shyly.

“Yes.” He looks back up at me. “I know this room is blank. I also know there’s not much to do in my house. But I do have a library… if you care to see it.”

I nod. “I do. I do want to see it.”

“Good.” Kai stares back. “Does tomorrow work?”

The expression on my face falters as I frown. “Oh. Well.”

Kai’s brow lowers in confusion. “What is it?”

“I have plans.” I say this with such conviction that for a moment, all Kai can do is stare. Then suddenly - wondrously - he laughs. A real laugh from the lips of the ice Prince. The corners of his mouth lift, showcasing the sort of smile which weakens knees. It changes everything about his face, that smile.

I can’t help myself from smiling back.

Kai nods, a trace of his laughter lighting his face. “Tomorrow it is.”

He turns on his heel, leaving without another word. I stare for a while longer before managing to close the door. Pressing my hand against it to stare at the wood. Then my gaze moves to the books he’s left behind.

For the first time in days, I don’t see just darkness.

The bookstore is devoid of light, every bulb turned off and unplugged from the walls. Boards are hammered hastily over windows – hastily, since James Tyson didn’t have time to prepare before leaving. It’s essential he follows before his daughter’s trail runs cold.

Haphazardly he moves, taking items off shelves and throwing them into his knapsack. Everything he wears is black. Hopefully this will enable him to blend into the shadows for as long as possible. To avoid detection as long as possible, for James Tyson knows he can’t remain hidden in Faery for long.

No, if James has learned anything, it’s that the Fey always win against a human opponent. He should have listened to his daughter when she told him that. Straightening, Jame tightens the straps of his backpack across his chest. Now he understands the consequences of his anthology though, so he can’t let another day go by without making things right.

His daughter promised to stay with that creature. To stay with the monster. He was supposed to, not her. She gave herself up for him but how can he be happy without her? She was his reason for living, his only cause for continuation and now she’s disappeared.

James Tyson stares into the shadowy depths of the forest. With one, deep breath, he walks inside.

[Master Post]

[theunholygrails]

Party Monster

A wild night aboard the Enterprise leads to steamy events behind the scenes.

Warnings: unprotected sex as usual

Masterlist

It was only after three shots of the celebratory whiskey that the man seated at her right hand turned towards her. His expression was as mixed as the drink Mari swirled but had yet to taste—eyes mirthfully swimming in the drink but not yet submerged to stupor, a mouth twisted down in a pensive frown, and eyebrow quirked as if she had spoken something amusing. She worked intimately with the Enterprise's engines, but she could identify chief medical officer Leonard McCoy by the dual bands on the end of his blue shirt sleeves and the spare surgical glove hanging out of his back pocket.

When he spoke, Mari had no trouble deciphering his words, for the roar of the music in honor of the New Year was nothing compared to the complaints their captain sometimes caused the engine to produce.

"I've seen you around, right?" he called. Though he smelled of the liquor, his speech was clear and his gaze focused with such intensity she could not hold it.

"I was part of the security detail on the away mission to Vagus IV."

"That the one where we left with more limbs than we arrived with?"

"No. My mission was without a hitch," Mari told him proudly.

Leonard waved his hand through the air, letting it settle on the back of her chair. The gesture was so smooth, if she had not been painfully aware of his every move, she certainly would have missed it. "They all blur together. Danger and adrenaline and Jim's unpredictable ass. Not my cup of tea."

"You prefer whiskey?" Mari engaged him. She took a sip of her liquid courage and leaned back against his hand to let him know how very much invested in the game he had laid out she was.

Now his eyebrow settled in for the ride and he slid her his fourth drink as either a challenge or a question to answer hers. His mouth curled up at the corner closest to her and as she tipped back the biting drink, she wondered if it would burn as much if accompanied by his inviting lips.

As if the universe sensed her thoughts, the countdown began. Chekov jumped on a table to announce ten seconds. Spock, having the misfortune of being closest to the boy was yanked up as well to receive the ancient tradition of a kiss. Uhura cheered along with everyone else who began turning to their neighbors to exchange celebratory saliva. Leonard, however, just shook his head and held out his hand.

"The day a clock tells me to kiss, even a woman as stunning as you, will be that day the cows come home. Dance with me?"

He oozed with charm and Mari knew that the second she accepted his offer, she would be just another one of his whims. And she was not done playing just yet. She winked, sliding off her stool. A raise of her toes allowed her to place a kiss against a stubble ridden cheek. When she landed back on her heels, his head was inclined as he attempted to decipher her actions. She did take his hand, but she led him to the front of the dance floor where Chekov still claimed the attention. He was accompanied by Jaylah doing a concoction of the robot and the sprinkler.

Chekov cheered and made room when Mari joined them. Leonard crossed his arms as he was jostled by others trying to get good views. She took Chekov's collar, grinning when the boy nodded eagerly. His rotation down in engineering while brief, had still been long enough for them to have more than a few drunken nights out. Their dance routine was practically choreographed by now, though he stumbled slightly from the alcohol slowing his movements.

Her hips swiveled and her arms raised as a lazy grin graced her lips. The dance was raunchy at best and tonight, she would admit, she threw in a little extra ass shaking. And Leonard watched with stoic wrap attention. A few international bills were placed on the table and at one point Jaylah slid one into Chekov's front pocket. And then the song changed and Mari drew herself away from grinding on Chekov. She flipped her long hair back and fluttered painted eyelids down at Leonard. He grumbled something under his breath and offered up his hands to help her down. They settled on her waist and the moment she was returned to the floor, he was dipping his words to decorate her ear.

"They keep you hidden down in the engine room when you can do that, sweetheart?"

"What do you think actually happens in the engine room, doctor? You should come visit sometime."

"I don't think that would be wise. I would never leave. Save a dance for me?" he inquired.

The new song was significantly slower, but she was relieved at the change of tempo. Her pulse was already thundering and Leonard's proximity was not helping the matter. His looped his around her back and hers locked behind his neck, her cheek falling to his chest. He knew his way around this type of dancing, slow and intimate. Her mind wandered to what kind of sweet music their vastly different styles could produce.

"I did want to kiss you," Mari admitted.

"I know," Leonard replied, unable to keep the smirk from his lips.

Mari swatted him, but he just caught the appendage, turning her in a quick circle. When she reoriented, the DJ was taking a break and the dance floor was clearing.

"Midnight is usually my last call," he said. "Unless I have a reason to stick around."

"Hell, we don't have to stay here."

"Damn near read my mind, darling."

There was a hallway, or maybe five, she lost count somewhere between Leonard's hand untucking her shirt and when they landed on the skin beneath. That was when she tripped over the pile of books blocking his doorway, taking him down with her as she tumbled to join the mess that was his floor. The fall broke the seal of their kiss and he blinked down at her with his brown eyes too busy assessing the cleavage from his advantageous angle to be ashamed of the clutter.

"You live here?" Mari inquired.

"Want the tour of the room or me?"

"Point. You as good with your hands as you were on your feet out there?" Mari chatted while she got to her feet and began unceremoniously adding the layers of her clothing to the growing mountain in the corner.

"Sweetheart, I'm a doctor," was the only reply.

And she was happy he kept it brief because the lilt of confidence was enough to send her draping out over his bed all too eagerly. She pushed a few haphazard papers to the floor, watching while he discarded his uniform. When he joined her, she quickly pushed him onto his back and slid her knees to either side of his waist. A tilt of her head had her hair raining down over one shoulder, leaving the other open for his hand to trace deliberate patterns over. Oh, those hands.

She leaned to kiss his throat, grinning against the growl he offered up. Her lips burned, her body burned for the man she had managed to capture. There was a residue of the music's beat left in her body and she used it to grind down against him. She was not the praying type, but she sent up a silent thanks to the lord for this day. His body was just as charming as his words and she felt the cheesy need to ask him to write up a prescription for this activity more frequently. But then his teeth were on her throat and his fingers pressed inside her light as a whisper. And she needed more.

She reached between them, desperate to work him up as much as he did to her. He was ready and panting and murmuring sweetness and nothings into her ear. And she returned the favor by praising each and every delicious favor he offered her. When he finally, finally entered her, it was only the anchor of his grip that kept her from up and floating away into the abyss of space.

"You good?" he breathed out, nose brushing along the valley of her breast.

"I'm great," she replied.

His hands fell to her ass, squeezing as he thrust up achingly slow.

"You're gonna have to give me more than that Leonard."

He sat up, smirk tucking his lower lip away between devious teeth. "Oh, I've got plenty in store for you," he promised.

It was a hail storm, pounding and deafening and the light that came at the end beyond blinding. He hit the mattress on a dramatic exhale and Mari remained sitting up, combing her fingers through her hair, stretching out her back. Leonard yawned, drumming his fingers against her thighs.

"I didn't get your name," he said.

"No you didn't," she replied.

She got up, gathering her clothes from the floor as she wound down. She heard him laugh from the bed and turned to wink at him. "See ya around, doctor."

[themoneybuff-blog]

The death of Anthony Bourdain: Thoughts on productivity, pleasure, and depression

Shares 141 Warning: This is a rare GRS post that contains salty language. If you dont like salty language, dont read this article. Anthony Bourdain killed himself Friday morning. So what? you might be thinking. Hes just another fucking celebrity who didnt know how good he had it. Maybe youre right. But his death has weighed heavy on me all weekend. On Friday morning, as I wrote the weekly Get Rich Slowly email, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. On Friday afternoon, as Kim and I worked in the yard, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. On Friday evening, as we soaked in our new hot tub with a friend, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Yesterday, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Today, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Now Im writing this article as an act of catharsis. Maybe itll help me to stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain. The Depression Trap I believe Anthony Bourdains death touched me deeply for a couple of reasons. I was a huge fan. Since listening him read the audio version of Kitchen Confidential a decade ago, Ive loved his work. Parts Unknown was probably my favorite travel show: raw and real and filled with food. Bourdain connected with everyone he met. His joy for life was contagious and his mind was sharp.Like Bourdain did, I struggle with depression. All my life, Ive experienced periodic descents into darkness. The first time this happened, I missed five weeks of sixth grade. In the nearly forty years since then, Ive developed a variety of coping mechanisms but they dont always work. In recent months since the middle of March the darkness has deepened and I dont know why. (And just as I missed five weeks of school back then, Ive been unable to get my work done in the present.) Let me make it clear that I am not suicidal. Right now, the biggest symptom of my depression is my inability to get shit done. But whereas suicide seems strange and senseless to most everyone else, depressives understand the appeal even if wed never consider it personally. One of the many stupid things about depression is that the condition doesnt care how awesome your life is. It doesnt care how successful you are. It doesnt care how much money you have. Depression is not rational. If it were, itd be easy to think your way out of it. Paula Froelich, one of Bourdains ex-girlfriends, put it like this:

Bourdains death didnt just make me introspective. It also led to a couple of interesting conversations about pleasure and productivity and about what really matters in life. The Productivity Trap Friday afternoon, I received email from a GRS reader well call Michael: Im sure you saw Anthony Bourdain killed himself. This to me was a telling quote: When asked during a recent interview with The Wall Street Journal whether he ever thought about stepping back from the breakneck pace of a job that kept him on the road 250 days a year, he replied, Too late for that. I think about it. I aspired to it. I feel guilty about it. I yearn for it. Balance? I fucking wish.' Obviously I didnt know Bourdain personally, or even know much about him as a public figure, but I think that mentality is common: Once youve become successful, the thought of ever ratcheting back seems unthinkable. Obviously, suicide is rare, but I think this mentality is common among successful people they stay in an unhappy status quo simply because they have so much invested in their self-image and public perception of themselves as successful people. I think Michael is onto something. Ive seen this in my own life, in the lives of friends and family, and the lives of colleagues. They fall into what you might call the productivity trap. (Heres an article I almost linked to the other day about the productivity trap: If youre so successful, why are you still working 70 hours a week?) I have one friend, for instance, with an enormously successful career. He has a popular blog, a popular podcast, best-selling books, and even an annual conference that attracts attendees from across the planet. Yet hes never satisfied not with himself nor with anybody else. Hes always looking for ways to make things bigger and better. He seems unhappy with who he is and what he has. Hes written publicly about his struggles with mental illness, but he hasnt revealed its full effects. Its not just my friend. Its me too. I see this pattern in my own life, and its something Ive deliberately decided to approach more mindfully. Why do I want to have a hot tub or travel to Ecuador? Why did I repurchase Get Rich Slowly and how often should I publish here? Why do I keep agreeing to public speaking gigs? Do I really want these things? Are they aligned with my personal mission statement? Will they really make me happy? (Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no.) In his email, Michael continued: I think this is really the key to personal finance and early retirement actually stepping back and figure out what is important to you, and doing it, even if it seems like youre turning your back on a great career, or a nice house or whatever. That is the hardest part, which keeps most people in a life they dont want. They think I went to school X or work at company Y, so therefore I must live in this city or have that job or have that wardrobe and never ask themselves what, as individuals, makes them happy. The Pleasure Trap As our email conversation continued, Michael brought up another interesting point. He noted that our culture and this is especially true in the world of financial independence blogs is obsessed with experiences, such as travel. Yet in many ways, collecting experiences is no better (nor any different) than collecting things. Heres Michael again: [Bourdain] had the ne plus ultra of modern life: rich, famous, a job that 99% of the population would kill for, saw everything he wanted to see, ate everything he wanted to eat, Im sure slept with tons of women if that is what he wanted, took all the drugs he wanted. You name it, he had it. And, he hung himself in a hotel room in France, a twice-divorced man a continent away from his daughter and girlfriend. Im not bagging on him. I just think he illustrates something: A meaningful life doesnt consist of a series of cool experiences, or traveling or eating cool stuff. Bourdain did that stuff to an incredible degree, and it still didnt make him happy. I think that is what our society has forgotten. I feel like were always being told we should move a lot, travel a lot, be vaguely or overtly dismissive of the town or state we were born in, move for college and never move back homein short, basically be a free agent with fewer and fewer personal connections, or weaker connections. And, we get this [higher suicide rates]. [] I think this relates to personal finance. There is always this thought that thrift requires these huge sacrifices less travel, fewer new experiences, fewer new restaurants. But what if [these arent sacrifices]? What if irrespective of cost, that stuff isnt really a source of happiness? I mean, people accept that with respect to possessions nobody says a Cadillac or a 5000-square-foot home is the key to happiness but many, many people in our culture think new experiences are crucial to a happy life. It may be the opposite the continuity and free-time to invest in loving relationships may actually be the key to happiness. I told Kim about my conversation with Michael. Its the pleasure trap, she said. People fall for the lie that momentary pleasure equals happiness. But pleasure isnt the same as happiness. Shes right, of course. Happiness is like planting a garden, watching it grow, then enjoying the harvest. Pleasure is simply eating the fruit. Happiness is deeper and richer and longer lasting. Pleasure is fleeting; happiness is not. But happiness involves time and work and patience. Now, Ill admit: Im guilty as anyone else of falling into the pleasure trap, and in oh-so-many ways! I have to make a deliberate effort to look past immediate pleasure in order to consider long-term happiness. This often requires enduring unpleasant activities. Do I really want to go out in the cold and the rain to dig in the mud and plant my garden? No, not in this moment. Id rather sit in the hot tub. But if I dont plant the garden, Im sacrificing greater happiness in the future. Final Thoughts While I think that Kim and Michael are onto something the productivity trap and the pleasure trap are both real and both problematic I keep coming back to Anthony Bourdains battle with depression. During my recent road trip through the southeastern U.S., I talked with two friends who are fighting depression in their own lives. One friend has a spouse who cannot shake the condition despite counseling, despite exercise, despite a loving family. The other friend fights the condition himself and its led to weight gain and addictive tendencies. Therapy has helped some but its not a cure-all. As for myself, I havent yet returned to therapy although Im considering it. (Not so long ago, I spent a year working with a therapist to find ways to cope with anxiety and depression. It helped.) I want to stress again that I am not suicidal. But the depression has most definitely affected my daily existence, including my relationships, my health, and my work here at Get Rich Slowly. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. But I know that itll get better someday. Shares 141 https://www.getrichslowly.org/death-of-anthony-bourdain/

[batchaoticcollectionnight-blog]

Who has affordable health insurance for my family of 5 in virginia?

"Who has affordable health insurance for my family of 5 in virginia?

My husbands job provides insurance for $650 a month. We can't afford that at all. So looking for affordable health and dental please help we are in virginia. Thanks in advance

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolution.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

Quad Bike Insurance Advice?

hi can anyone tell me the best place to get a road legal quad bike insurance online quote in the UK thanks for any advice given

Where can I find classic car insurance for a 17 year old?

Hey guys I've recently received a classic 1992 Mazda Miata from my dad, which has been a treasured possession of our family for a number of years. I myself am now a member of the owners club and take great care of the car, but am obviously unable to drive it without insurance. While insuring the car with a normal provider would be far too expensive for me (at 17 years), classic car insurance is not only cheaper but fits my needs far better. I was wondering if anyone knows of a classic car insurer who would be willing to insure me, taking into account my situation? Thanks, Laurence""

""Where can I find the absolute cheapest auto insurance in Kennwick, WA?""

I need cheap basic liability auto insurance for my car, who can help?""

Short term car insurance for foreign visitors?

Me and a few guys (UK citizens) are planning on coming to the US and driving East to West over a few months. We are thinking of buying a car and then selling it before we leave. Is it possible to get short term car insurance for this amount of time? Keeping in mind that we are not from US also? thanks

""Insurance,if I buy a car and get my dad to registered keeper and owner and he insures it wi me as main driver?""

Is this legal their is a space on go compare ask n who the main driver would be ive got dr10 ins10 twice lc20 All from 2008 so cheapest quote is 5k. My dad also has his car too with 8 yrs no claims so idea is to insure my car registered in his name with the 8 yrs no claim s wi me as main driver and insure his car without no claims bonus got a quote on go compare 1000 for my car wr dad as registered keeper me as main driver and he would have to pay on his own car with no claims bonus not on should still b cheaper than , ,5k help!""

How much does insurance cost for a Nissan GTR and Mitsubishi Lancer?

How much does insurance cost for a Nissan GTR and Mitsubishi Lancer?

Altima Coupe SE 3.5 Insurance Estimate?

Who knows what the cost would be for a male teenage driver with good grades to drive a Nissan Altima Coupe 3.5 SE?

Where can I find affordable dental insurance?

i live in dallas tx ,19yrs old and im look for affordable dental insurance it will b just for me no one else any great insurance out there that wont make my bank account dusty :) plz help & thank u""

""Need cheap car insurance, already looked into geico and progressive?""

what's a good, AFFORDABLE company i can go to for auto insurance? i'm a 19 yr old female, living in dallas, tx marital status: separated""

First car insurance help?

I am 17 year old male, I have spent months looking for a car that I can be insured on for at least a respectable price, I have have gotten quotes for all the typical first cars, KA, Corsa, Punto, Ibiza etc. and they have all been ridiculous like 5-6k?! Now I know you can get insurance as a new male driver cheaper I just don't know what car or how that is possible. I've heard rumors that Ford Puma's are actually very good on insurance for new male drivers even though they are 1.4l and up? is that true?""

Help on car insurance - very urgent!?

I have recently noticed that the address on my car insurance is completely wrong. From the house number to the last digit in the postcode. I have had an accident which was apparently my fault, and now I have realised my address is wrong. I have made multiple phone calls where I've had to confirm my address too. Is there any safe way I can change my address without arousing any suspicion? Please help me because it is a genuine error, and I do not want to be accused of being fraudulent. What are the best options to take at this stage? Thank you""

Exceptional First Car With Low Insurance?

I am straight 'A' student, and I have completed the Driver's Education course at my highschool. My family does not really make that much money, but my parents would like to buy me a car at an exceptional rate. I am probably only going to live in Florida for another year, and then I am moving out to California. Depending on what type of car I decide to get, I don't know if I will be taking it with me or not. My mom wants to buy me a brand new car, meaning a current 2008-09 model, but I keep explaining to her that it's very hard to find a cheap new model (unless someone knows something I don't?). I would just like some third party input on this decision. What is the best car company, and what car model would have the lowest insurance rate? I have tried researching Mazda, Acura, Nissan, and Honda, because I prefer these companies; however, I haven't had any luck because I'm so new to shopping for a vehicle. I like hybrids, and it would help if I am able to get a car with great mileage as well. Of course, I'm sure many of you know this is because of our depleting economy, lol. Ok, I don't mean to make this a book, I'm just trying to give as much information as I can so I can maybe get a clear answer. Thanks in advance =).""

Insurance question for sport bike?

Ok so I drive already and im going to be 18 very soon. I'm thinking about getting a sport-bike for college mainly because they have very good mpg and are fairly cheap.Once i get my m1 licence im thinking on getting a kawasaki ninja 250 or a suzuki gsxr 600. How much would insurance cost extra on the gixxer than for the ninja, thanks !!!""

Best health insurance plan for a low income individual?

Looking for the best health insurance plan for a 26 yo old single femail in tennessee. $30k/year job, minimal health problems, need medical, prescription, dental, and vision coverage. Paying $208/month currently and need better coverage. Please sends me in the right direction guys :)""

Maternity on new Insurance?

Hi, I will be relocating jobs and will then have to get onto my new job's insurance. Just wondering, is maternity often available with applying with a new insurance? Could it be considered a pre-exisiting condition? Also, with insurance, would it cover all my ob/gyn visits? New to this, need info! Thanks, in advance!""

How can immigrants over 65 afford health insurance in the United States?

Federal employee looking to rotate back to the States and take my in-laws who are 73 and 75. Cannot get Medicare until they have been in the U.S. for five years Any suggestions?

Please help... car insurance. 10 points for best answer.?

Hey i just bought a 1992 3 litre twin turbo<--- they don't know that bit Toyota supra 2 door 2 seats black. I am 19 and the cheapest insurance policy i can find for it is 7 grand i have a years no claims and pass plus, so that seems a bit stupid to me, Anyone have any name and or numbers of insurance companies in the uk that are likely to do me a good deal 3rd party, Thanks guys.""

I am looking for a name for my insurance agency I deal in Life Insurance and Health Ins.&annuities?

We deal with all ages and alot with seniors We do not deal with home or auto insurance

Is there a website for seeing what class of car you have for insurance to see how much it wil be.?

I know insurance have classes of cars based on a number. Like my old school might be a 7. but my Escalade might be a 20 or something. Please help.

What would my Car Insurance Rates be?

Im 17, male, and I'm wondering what car insurance rates would be for me. What would they be for a 2008/2009 Honda civic, simplest version? What would they be if it was the same car but a few years older? Same questions for a Toyota corolla. I have done drivers education, which should help lower the rates.""

What automotive insurance companies insure right-hand drive cars in Ontario?

I'm looking to get insurance on a right hand drive import (Nissan Skyline) in Ontario, Canada. Prior to January 2012 this wasn't the hardest thing to do. It's gotten increasingly difficult. Anyone know of a company that still insures these imports at a reasonable rate?""

How much is insurance on a Lamborghini aventador?

I'm not looking to buy one now, but I'm determined to hopefully one day own a Lamborghini aventador roadster. How much would insurance cost through Allstate.? Just curious and it's always helpful to know.""

Anybody have any reviews for GO AUTO INSURANCE? THANKS?

I am looking at purchasing full coverage on a new car and was wondering if anybody had any experiences with GO AUTO INSURANCE. This is a Louisiana Based Auto Insurance group and they currently have the lowest rates for the vehicle I want to insure. Thanks in advance!!

Insurance on a 2003 Ford Mustang Mach 1?

How much would insurance be on this car? I'm 16, almost 17, in Arizona, by the way. The car has a V8 engine.""

How much a car Ins. would pay for a repair?

My sister got hit for a car that was leaving a gas station. She went to get some estimates from a body shop and the first she got was for over $6000 because they want to replace almost all the damaged parts; the other estimate is for around $3500 because they will repaire some parts. This is a new sienna (2004)with few miles. Will Insurance pay for the higher estimate? This accident will increase the future premium if the other ins. do not want to pay for the repair? The accident was not my sister fault and the other driver was not added to the policy of the car that he was driving.

Who has affordable health insurance for my family of 5 in virginia?

My husbands job provides insurance for $650 a month. We can't afford that at all. So looking for affordable health and dental please help we are in virginia. Thanks in advance

""Just got my M1 , wondering what kind of motorcycle I should look at? ( price/Insurance wise )?""

I have my eye on the Suzuki 500 gs , Since its considered a Touring sport, I will have cheaper insurance... Any suggestions on some motorcycles, I live in Ontario Canada. Thanks""

""I can't afford NJ car insurance, what should I do?""

I just turned 25 and I never drove a car before because of the high car insurance rates and the fact that my parents refuse to help me pay it. I have a job, but I'm also in college. I got my driver's permit this year, but no license yet. I got a quote on how much it would cost me to drive if I get the license, and it came out to roughly 5-6 thousand dollars a year, insanity! I don't plan to ever get a job that makes THAT type of money. Is there anything I could do, or did my parents screw me by not letting me drive all these years? I have to either walk or beg a friend for rides anywhere -- Granted all my friends are 'funded' by their parents, of course.""

I am 16 almost 17 and am looking for a car and am wondering what the insurance rats would be on a porsche 944

this would be my second car and its a really nice 1985 Porsche 944 (non-turbo) it has only 67K miles on it and is in excellent shape I am just wondering if my insurance would go up i pay about 130 $ a month on a Pontiac grand am ... would it go up? if so do you know how much?

My bf claims if he adds my name to his car insurance he will get it loads cheaper?

is this true? i cant drive i ahvent knwon him long and his insurance is due for renewal which is over 500 quid so he says he can reduce that amount by 150 quid if he adss my name is this true and legal? i wondered why he asked for my date of birth and postcode says he just forgot

Tips on how to get first time drivers car insurance down?

Hey, so I have my driving test on June 3rd but i am looking to buy a car before then in these next few weeks. Ive been getting some quotes on some possible cars but the cheapest quote i am getting is 4,500, which is absolutly ridiculous! I thought 2,000 was pushing it and i dont intend to pay more than 2,000 a year. The cars ive been looking at are Peugot 206s, Vauxhall Corsa SXI, and Renault Clio's. Which i believe are in the cheapest insurance band. I just dont understand why im getting quotes of 4000/5000. Most of my firends with similar cars pay 1,500 a year which seems right. I must be doing something wrong. Can anyone give me tips on how to get the price down. Should i add my mum as an additional driver? Do modified cars (alloys and tinted windows) dramatically increase the insurance price? Any reccomended insurance companies? Thanks guys!""

Average car insurance rate in Massachusetts?

I am a 18 year old female and I just recieved my license. I went to driving school (this included sit down classes and road lessons). I have good academic standing( my gpa would equate to an A+). Also I have never been in an accident during the time I have had my permit. I would like to know a decent average throughout Massachusetts without having to go on several online sites and fill out extensive questionaires just to get a quote (the questionaires are also asking me for the type of car the I drive and I don't own one yet. Although I will probably stick to American cars such as Ford). Can anyone help me? Please and thanks!

Insurance on a Honda Civic EG?

Im planning to get an old Honda Civic EG 1994 model. and I'm just wondering approximately how expensive the insurance, rego and all that other stuff will be. OR even if i am able to drive the car. The car will be registered under my name. The car has a custom carbon fibre bonnet and a carbon fiber spoiler, sports mufflers, it is slightly lowered and has black alloy rims. And i think it may also have a custom body kit. So will i get insured? and how expensive will the annual cost be to keep the car?""

Best Health Insurance???

My husband and are getting health insurance...who's the best to go with?? We are looking at united health care right now...r they any good?

What is the cheapest car insurance in nj for teens?

What is the cheapest car insurance in nj for teens?

Does getting a ticket without losing points increases your insurance price ?

I just got a ticket for driving my car without having my drivers license with me. Altough it's better than 128$ and 2 points, its still 52$. The thing im wondering though is will my insurance company charge me more because of that even if I didnt lose points on my drivers license ? Thanks""

Question about car insurance?

What is the average price difference between full coverage and the lowest coverage? What exactly do they cover? And are there options in between? I know it differs from company to company, but I would like to know what the average difference is. I have enough money for a car, but as soon as I find a job, Im going to buy one, but I need to know what im going to be paying for insurance, and what is right for me. Im going to be spending between $1500-$2000 for the car if it makes a difference, thank you.""

Average cost of bmw car insurance for over 50's?

Just trying to get a rough idea of how much the insurance would be for a 320d auto diesel BMW. I don't really want to waste ages going through the compare.com sites. Thank you in advance for your help.

""I got a ticket for no insurance in Tucson, AZ!!!?""

My question is if I get insurance prior to court date can they dismissed the ticket or lower the cost? How many points is it to ur license and can I go to traffic school for it? Also it doesn't say the amount the ticket is, so I'm not sure what the cost even is.""

Do I have to buy health insurance in New Mexico?

I recently moved to New Mexico and started a new job. Now I am being told that I have to buy health insurance from my employer, or prove that I am covered under another policy. I am only 21, but I am a smoker and I know this will be expensive. I do not go to the doctor, and have not since I was 10. Do I have to buy coverage I won't use? Is there a way around this?""

I need advice on car insurance?

what would be a really really cheap car to insure? i just need liability insurance. i need a car or truck but im worried about how much it will cost to insure. any advice on really cheap insurance on any certain car would be greatly appreciated. if you also know any car insurance providers that offer low rates i would like to know that as well. thank you

Will your insurance rates go up if you hit a car but don't cause any damage (California)?

Someone rear ended me but no visible damage was done to my car. I'm going to report it to my insurance company but I most likely won't file a claim. Will the other person's rates go up even if I don't file a claim but only report the accident?

Effects of Multiple Sclerosis on car insurance?

A friend of mine was diagnosed with relapsing remitting MS just over a year ago. She had several bad relapses one after another but was then put on tysabri and has been getting better and better since then. She now feels ready to start driving again but is worried her insurance will be through the roof. She is in good health now and because of the tysabri is not likely to have a relapse again for at least a couple of years. Does anyone have any experience of trying to get car insurance if you have MS?

How much will it cost to run a car in the UK (17 Years Old)?

I know insurance is a good 4-5k but how much does it cost to run (Fuel, Etc.) I have a job and I work about 15 miles away.. I drive about 100 miles a week and I work for 5 days during the week. Any help will be appreciated!""

How can i move and keep my old states insurance??

I plan to move to Ny and i got a quote from my car insurance company and it is ridiculously high. Is there a way to keep my insurance without changing it to where i plan to move to?

Would using a motorbike for a year make insuring a car cheaper?

i'm at college and i am looking at learning to drive a car and i was wondering that if i used a motorbike or moped for a year without claiming on insurance would it decrease the cost of car insurance? because that is what my friends have been saying

How easy is it to change my car insurance?

I am 23, and never changed my car insurance before. I had it for 5 years. I paid $65, then after a ticket, over a year ago it suddenly went to $87. That is with progressive. Esurance offered me $55 for same coverage. If I usually pay on the 20th, can I call them up, set up new plan, and have it start on 20th, and have old one stop on 20th, without another bank deduction?""

In Northern California on average how much does the minimal amount of gas and insurance cost per month ?

I'm 18 and looking into buying my first car this year. From my understanding the cheapest of Vehicles could be anywhere from $500-$1000 dollars. Since I'm doing this alone I'm asking you from your own personal experiences with car finances.

Car or Insurance first?

I'm 25 years old and just got my driver's license and was wondering if you get car insurance first then get your first car or if it's the other way around? ADVICE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is athem blue cross a good insurance?

Is it really a good insurance?

What are some of the cheapest auto insurance companies for new drivers in G.A.?

What are some of the cheapest auto insurance companies for new drivers in georgia? the car i am trying to insure is financed, so I require the insurance to be full coverage, and i am also a new driver""

Who has affordable health insurance for my family of 5 in virginia?

My husbands job provides insurance for $650 a month. We can't afford that at all. So looking for affordable health and dental please help we are in virginia. Thanks in advance

Aftermarket car parts and insurance?

Hi I just bought a new car last week wednesday and called my insurance company to have insurance placed on the veicle. The car is now in my name and insured... my problem is that the car is HEAVELY MODIFIED to the max with a large turbo. fuel injectors, rad, flywheel, torque converter, boost controlers and an aftermaker racing computer... if the car were to have an accident would my insurance be void be void because of the mods.. none of this was done by me and the car was certified to be road worthy in its condition and e-tested??""

How do I get a nice car with decent insurance as an age 17 male?

For some time now, I had been looking at subaru imprezas, of which I love. However, each insurance quote I got from my parents was something like 3400 a year under my dad, and close to 8,000 a year under my own policy, with collision, so my parents wouldnt even consider it. The quote was for an 04, so if it is that insane I dont see how some kids own 03s, 04s, even a few 07s, as my parents arent poor by any means, and I know all the other kids do not have rich parents. Even an 02 accord with 80k miles was over 3000 a year under my dad with collision. Is there any possible way I can get a nice car, something like an 02 impreza is ideal, without paying so much insurance with collision? I am perfectly aware of the fact that if I get a 95 civic with no collision, insurance wont b a problem. However, I have some hard earned money to spend on a car, and I cant see how I am constantly heading towards the single path of a bucket without collision. Please help me""

How much does insurance cost each month for a trolley/bus?

I was thinking of purchasing a trolley like this http://www.bargainbusnews.com/Buses/1774-2008SupremeClassicAmericanTrolle/

Does auto insurance cost more in Las Vegas than los Angeles?

Does auto insurance cost more in Las Vegas than los Angeles?

Paying to transfer insurance?

I brought a car a few years ago and I'm still not sure how state farm insurance works. Do you have to pay to have your insurance transfer over? I'm under my mothers policy still and our bill is combined. Can someone please help me? I'm buying a new car tomorrow and want to be prepared before. Thank you Only reason I'm asking is because when I first brought a car earlier this year state farm wanted 350 bucks on the spot while I was at the dealer ship. I don't want that to happen again. 28 minutes ago

1.0 60 ps vw polo se insurance for a 17 year old?

just thinking of an average insurance quote price on the new 2014 model? i havent used comparison websites as they need your driving licence number and i dont have one yet.

Motorcycle insurance for a 16 year old?

I was wondering what an average motorcycle insurance rate is for a 16 year old male in VA, good grades, no tickets, i plan on taking the MSF course, no accidents, would drive a substantial amount, play sports (i don't know what really factors into insurance costs, so i just listed some stuff i figured or have heard affects motorcycle insurance)""

Will Hillary's Plans to End the War and Create an Affordable Health Plan Work?

Hilary thinks things through. She's pragmatic and capable of modifying things to work in an evolving world. She understands the give and take of a complex economy and her goal is to restore peace and prosperity; unity and pride. Whenever I hear an Obama supporter claim Obama will end the war or deliver a health insurance plan that works I think -- Don't bet on it. Obama tries to copy Hillary, but doesn't understand the complexities at the level she does, not does he seem consistent about anything. He's also more in the pocket of Special interests than Hillary -- though he denies that all the time -- not good. I have utmost confidence that Hillary is brilliant and dedicated and knows how to create solutions that work. The things she talks about, are what she will deliver, you can see that by observing her voting record. Hillary does what she says she will do, that's why I trust Hillary. Hillary '08""

Do insurance companies use mortality rates to set premiums and other costs for certain age groups? Why?

Do insurance companies use mortality rates to set premiums and other costs for certain age groups? Why?

Rough estimate of my car insurance cost?

24 year old male, no accidents/tickets, 2010 bmw 3-series or 2010 audi A4 With that in mind, what's a rough estimate of what the car insurance would cost?""

Whos the cheapest car insurance companys for first time drivers?

Whos the cheapest car insurance companys for first time drivers?

What is the cheapest car insurance in PA?

So basically I need to insure my car, it's a old one worth about 2000 bucks, so I want the absolute bare minumum amount of insurance. Does anyone know any really cheap but legit car insurance companies? Oh and of course I'm 19 so that'll raise the cost a whale of a lot.""

What do the insurance groups of cars mean. for instance is 1 high or low.?

What do the insurance groups of cars mean. for instance is 1 high or low.?

Car Insurance and Registered Owners?

I have recently bough a car and I am the registered owner and keeper of the car on the documents. As this is my first car and I am under 26, my insurance quote was very high, so as the car will be driven by me and my boyfriend he is the primary driver and i am the second driver on the insurance policy. Does the primary driver also have to be the registered owner for an insurance company to pay out?!""

""17 year old having 2 cars, insurance?""

So, I got my 03 Grand Cherokee when I was 16 last year, I really love it but I get like 17mpg in it and I work part time because of school. Insurance on it isnt too bad, never had a ticket or accident or anything. I want another car, maybe a civic or something, I have about 4k saved up right now and I am looking at this civic 4 door that supposedly gets like 30mpg. Idk, I want to have both though, I go offroading with the cherokee and all that, but I want the car for a commuter. Any advice on what kind of plan I would need and all that?""

Health Insurance in California - Low Income?

I am on Unemployment Insurance, and need to see a doctor. Is there a State or County Medical benefits?""

Cheap health insurance?

what is the cheapest health insurance in california? i am male 22, i do not smoke..""

Should i carry collision insurance on my 2006 silverado?

Should i carry collision insurance on my 2006 silverado?

Wich is is best life insurance ?

wich is is best life insurance ? MY AGE IS 32

""How much is average insurance for a motorcycle, preferably in Texas.?

I am female and over 25 yrs. of age.

What is a collector car insurance?

please tell me everything you know about collector car insurance. i really need to know. thanks.

How to provide proof of auto insurance?

How to provide proof of car insurance? I have been offered a generous stipend for graduate school. One of the documents they ask for is proof of car insurance. Does anyone know how I can provide proof of car insurance? (I know for a fact that my parents have bought car insurance). It would be helpful to know what document I should be looking for, what it looks like, is it just my AAA card or is it a form. Thanks a lot for your help!!""

Car insurance? Can i move my points?

How long after i cancel my current insurance can i use my no claims bonus on another insurance policy?? Im with gladiator with van insurance but getting rid of the van and getting a car on friday so am wanting to cancel my van insurance tonight and get car insurance friday so will want to be shifting my no claims over... Can i do this?

""Im looking for car insurance in washington im 22m and im student and this is my first insurance,how much isit?""

Im looking for car insurance in washington im 22m and im student and this is my first insurance,how much isit?""

Why do we expect employers to provide health insurance? Why not get your own?

The republicans want to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, what are they offering as an alternate given that half the population does not have health insurance.""

Who has affordable health insurance for my family of 5 in virginia?

My husbands job provides insurance for $650 a month. We can't afford that at all. So looking for affordable health and dental please help we are in virginia. Thanks in advance

A few questions about health insurance (recent college grad still on parent's insurance)?

I asked a similar question yesterday but realized I was a bit vague. So, here's my situation. I am a recent college grad working a job that does not offer me health insurance, and I receive excellent coverage under my parent's plan. I recently went to a job interview for a position that offers insurance, but I would have to pay a pretty large chunk of change for it monthly ($500+, which is a lot if you're working an entry-level position), and the coverage isn't nearly as good as my current plan. (For example, I currently pay $3 for a three month supply of my prescription. The new plan would charge me $30-90 for the same amount pills). I saw a clause in the Affordable Health Care Act that said I would only be able to do this after January 1st, 2014....I really wish this went into effect in 2013 instead! So, my questions are: Can I opt out of this insurance and remain on their plan? If I were to take this job and the insurance plan, would I be able to re-enroll under their plan if I stopped working at this place and worked at a place that didn't offer insurance? (I'm under 26, and my family's plan covers both my parents and another sibling)""

How can i get cheap insurance on my moms car because I'm only 17 and she has a 2l?

well I've just past my test and I had a look on gocompair just lookin how much it would be for me on my oun 1l and it comes up as like 3500 and thats silly money because i would have to buy a car then that will be like a grand :/ so i had a look on for me to go on my moms car and that comes out as 4000 and she has a 2l is there any way i can get t cheaper? thanks

Cost of getting motorcycle insurance for 20 year old?

I am probably goin to get a sports bike. I have had my license since I was 18. I have no tickets and clean driving record. I currently pay $140 a month for insurance on my truck. I was looking into getting a bike older than 2003. How much will motorcycle insurance be for a sports bike?

How much is motorcycle insurance?

I'm only 14 right now but when I hit 16 i'm planning on buying a motorcycle. Planning on buying a Kawasaki Ninja 300r 2013 around my birthday and I remembered a rough factor. How much would insurance be for a 16 year old on a sport bike like that? Don't refer me to a Quote site just a rough estimate I live in Illionois

California Insurance Code 187.14?

California Insurance Code 187.14?

What is the formula for calculating the monthly payment for an Auto Loan?

The bank is financing my wife for 9606.00 at an interest rate of 7.5%. The Term is for 5 yrs (60 months) What should the monthly payments be? I used to be able to do this, but I think I'm missing something. Here is how I did my math: I took $9606.00 and multiplied it times 7.5% and came up with $720.45. Then I added that $720.45 to the $9606.00 and came up with a total of $10,326.45. I then divided the $10,326.45 by 60 (months) and came up with a total of $172.10. Meaning that $172.10 would be my monthly payment. I went to bankrate.com and used their auto loan calculator and they came up with $192.48 The bank came up with $205.00 (I think they added credit, life, and disability) So what the HECK am I missing......Please help!""

Jeep Vs Car Insurance?

hey i am a 17 male. i was just wondering would insurance for a jeep be cheaper then insurance on a car since you would be less likely to rally around a jeep, and other dangerous driving etc.. i am also wondering if a 2L jeep would be dear to insure for a 17 male, since it is a jeep. thanks :)""

Do I really need liability insurance?

So, I am thinking of opening a summer company and I don't think I need liability insurance. I know that everyone should have it, but I don't think it's really worth it for me. All of the places I will be visiting will have their own insurance and I will only be using the insurance for a week or so a month. As I won't be using it a lot, I don't think I really need it. So, basically, do I need insurance for my space in an insured venue. Thanks in advanced!""

Health insurance?

is there any other form of low income insurance in south carolina besides medicaid? im 19 with a baby. i cant work because i dont have anyone to take care of the baby and cant afford daycare. i rely on my parents support. also i live with them. my baby is on medicaid but i am no longer eligible because of my age and i am not disabled

What is the best dogs health insurance?

i have a few dogs, and need health insurance for them.""

Pitbike insurance where is the best place?

Im looking into getting a thumpstar road ripper 50cc for when im 16 very soon! and i'd like an insurance quote off the internet anybody know a good website?

Car insurance question! HELP HELP HELP?

I just bought a car from a dealership and its sittin there. but tomorow i plan on changing to a NJ license cause currently i have a MA license. They said i need to get insurance for the car before they let me take the car. So if I go to any insurance place tomorw will i be able to get the insurance THAT day? and then get my car ? THANKS

How much a month for car insurance for a beginning 16 year old driver?

How much a month for car insurance for a beginning 16 year old driver?

I NEED HELP FLORIDA HOMEOWNERS im looking for a reasonable homeowner insurance rate.?

I just bought a house in Clearwater Florida and I am looking for a good rate. Can anyone help me? Do you have a Good plan on your home?

What is the cheapest insurance?

where could i find the cheapest insurance plan for me with any company. Im mainly trying to figure out what the insurance will be costing with the certain car I will be getting. I am 15 years old currently but will be turning 16 soon and when it comes time for my license during the summer I would like to know how much insurance will be. I already know what type of car im getting, A 1998 Camaro z28. Would it be extremely pricy or not too pricy, i just need a ball type figure. once again with ANY COMPANY, what would be the cheapest for a 16 year old with a 1998 camaro z28? thanks""

Different Types of car insurance?

i know of state farm progressive and Geico. what else is there?

How much car insurance do you pay? - public survey?

What kind of car do you have, and how much insurance do you pay? (( General interest ))""

Drivetime Student Car Insurance- any good?

I'm just doing car insurance quotes and came across Drivetime Student where you can't drive after 11pm and before 6am for a 40% discount - does anyone have this insurance and is it any good? Also are you on the odd occasion allowed to go out after 11pm?!

Dependent's health insurance?

My friend wants to move into an apartment with me, we are both in college so we want to be roommates, but her parents say that they will not pay her health insurance if she moves out. Since she is a student, she is going to be a dependent of theirs for a few more years. Does being a dependent of her parents legally obligate the parents to pay her health insurance?""

How much would it cost for me to insure this?

If anyone works for an insurance company or knows how much this will be please help? Just passed my text and am 17years of age, how much to insure the car below? Nissan Micra 1.0 S 3dr Hatchback 51 reg Manual Petrol 35k miles""

How much does car Liability insurance cost for you?

how much does car Liability insurance cost for you I was wondering how much does it cost i know every body has a diffent one but what is yours so i have a estimate thank you

Where can i buy cheap insurance for 13 years olds in Atlanta?

I Have a 13yr old and i need to get Cheap insurance for him to play.

Where you could drive a car without insurance and out of state license?

i have a small car i want to register in newhampshire that i dont have to have insurance there, i have ma drivers license, can anyone tell me where i can do this,i dont want to pay auto insurance and i have ma driver license, i can find anyone to provide me with thier address at defrent state

""Hello, Does anyone know what is the cheapest health insurance company for a 30 years old male living in NJ?

I am looking to buy health coverage with a decent company. Thanks for your help.

Graduating from college and need affordable health insurance?

Graduating from college and need affordable health insurance?

Who has affordable health insurance for my family of 5 in virginia?

My husbands job provides insurance for $650 a month. We can't afford that at all. So looking for affordable health and dental please help we are in virginia. Thanks in advance

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-appeal-declining-application-health-insurance-joseph-williams"