#the reason for that felt more obvious when i identified as aroace. i’m not really sure why it’s stayed

[annoyingloudmicrowavecultist]

starting to realise i actually don’t really like being called gay even by friends

[cobble-stone]

🔥 - How has the way you think about yourself changed since you realized you were queer?

🌼 - If you used any other labels before your current one, what were they?

🌾 - How queer do you think you look? Would it be obvious to someone that you were queer if they looked at you?

🌱 - How would your younger self act if your current self told them they were queer?

💙 - When you first learned about the Queer community, did you immediately realize ‘That’s me!’ Or did you consider yourself a ‘really good ally’ for some time?

🔥: When I first figured out that I was queer it kinda like- it was very much a “ah. so that’s why Things Are the way they Are,” with the way they Are being the reason i felt so- other, to everyone else. I later figured out the reason for said othered feeling was actually because i was autistic. Figuring out I was trans was more- it was a lot harder and not an immediate “yes that’s me,” and while there’s been difficult parts, it’s largely been a very good thing for me. I started putting more effort into how I look/present because I wasn’t just completely apathetic towards my appearance, I actually- had ways that I wanted to look and realized I could feel happy in my appearance instead of just trying my best to ignore it

🌼: I identified as a lesbian for like….three? Years? From when I was 12 until I was 15. It turns out I was not a lesbian, I just didn’t want a romantic relationship where I was “the woman,” which meant even just the thought of dating men was very uncomfortable for me. I started questioning my gender properly when I was 15, and realized I was nonbinary. I just identified as gay and nonbinary but like gay in the “every attraction I experience is gay” way. Now I’m just unlabeled and a trans man, I’ve tried finding labels but like- nothing fits? I’ve tested out identifying as aroace, as gay, as bi, as combinations, and like. I’ve just come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter sexuality is a social construct I can just do whatever. I have no canonical sexuality feel free to impose whatever headcanons you want onto me as long as you know they aren’t canon

🌾: I used to look a lot more queer, but I decided to go mostly stealth at college (I’ll tell people I’m trans if it’s relevant but like- most people just accept i’m just Some Guy), I was only really openly trans in high school because I had to be in order for people to know I was a guy. The dyed hair (I have an underbleach) and my general style is like- vaguely edgy. Like if someone diluted an alt kid. I don’t immediately look queer but I also don’t immediately look straight. I used to put in more effort but like I’m tired man I don’t want to get all dressed up just for class every day

🌱: I think if I told (deadname) or Blue that she turned out to be a guy she would be. Very confused. I was not a tomboy as a kid at all, I honestly had very little concept of gender or sexuality for a long time. It used to be kinda distressing for me and it was why I was hesitant to identify as a trans guy for a long time- it’s kinda the common stereotype for a trans person to always just know, and I didn’t just know. How I see it now is like- (deadname) and Blue are separate from who I am now, (deadname) and Blue weren’t a guy, but I, Cobalt, sure am.

💙: Kinda both! When I first realized I was queer it was cause I saw “women could kiss women,” took the Strange Discomfort at the idea of dating men, did the math wrong, and immediately went “ah yes. i’m a lesbian.” I then very much was “just a good ally” about trans people for three years, to the point where my logic was “I can’t possibly be trans, that’d be transphobic of me.” This was especially doubled because I was just starting to poke at my transgenderness right as the end of the truscum era of the trans community, and like- my general opinion was “everyone is valid regardless of their identity or dysphoria but *I* can’t be trans *I* don’t have dysphoria.” (despite the fact that i did have dysphoria, it just wasn’t the stereotype of dysphoria just being “overwhelmingly bad body dysphoria” so I thought I didn’t .”

[sinnohanvulpix]

Happy Arospec Day! Being aroace, I’m really grateful that I can have two days in a row dedicated to people in my community, who are often overlooked on the LGBTQIA spectrum.

Even though I’ve never had any second thoughts about whether or not I’m asexual, it did take me the longest time to figure out for certain if I was also aromatic. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had feelings that are similar to crushes, where I’d find certain boys appealing for no obvious reason. I would experience most of the typical feelings, getting nervous when talking them, being unable to stop thinking about them, and feeling comforted by their presence if or when I’ve gained trust in them. The key difference though was what I wanted out of their presence. I’ve never been into the idea of kissing or dating, as that just felt gross and unnecessary for me. All I really wanted was to be close friends with them. This feeling is what I now know as a squish, which is the platonic equivalent of a crush that has all the same levels of intensity, but just lacks the desire for romantic interaction.

Back in elementary school, I had no idea that there was such a thing as a non-romantic attraction for people. I knew deep down that my feelings had a lot of technical similarities to crushes, but I never wanted to admit or accept that this was a possibility, since I didn’t want anything to do with traditional dating.

Eventually in middle school, as I was experiencing a particular strong crush on a boy who I had become acquaintances with (which was the first time this had happened), I just couldn’t take not having a word to describe to myself my feelings for him anymore. So, after days of preparing and bracing myself for what was to come... (sigh) I came out to my family and close friends as straight (yes, it felt this dramatic for 13-year-old me). But everyone was super supportive (and understandably confused), and were able to help me try and make sense of how I was feeling.

I remember this was when my older sibling first brought up the concept of squishes to me. Back then, this term did somewhat resonate with me, other than the fact that it seemed to imply a less intense version of a crush. I knew it couldn’t have simply been a less intense version of a romantic crush, since this boy was on my mind 24/7. But the main thing that eventually drew me away from it was having to explain to everyone I mentioned it to what a squish was. So over the years, this term faded into the background for me. Then as I got to know my “crush” better and become closer friends with him, the idea of being in a romantic relationship with him became more and more tolerable, to the point where a part of me became convinced that this was what I wanted (even though it wasn’t). Nothing ended up happening though between him and I, which I believe was for the best given how unsure I felt about my own feelings.

Fast forward to earlier this year, and my best friend @poofbiscuit comes out to me as aromantic. This surprised me at first since we had talked in the past about her previous, infrequent “crushes”. But when she told me that she’s starting to realize that those crushes were really just strong desires to be friends with those people, I remembered that I’ve felt the exact same way about my own “crushes”. This was an incredible moment for me, since not only was it my first time meeting someone who’s experienced attraction in the same platonic way I have, but that someone also happens to be a close friend who I already feel really safe to talk to about personal stuff like this.

A few days later, Poofy reintroduced me to the term “squish”. This time, since I had a close friend to talk to who knew how they felt and who I didn’t need to explain it to, I was much more quick to embrace this term. And now I can proudly say that I identify as aroace.

And no, I’m not just a late bloomer. Maybe I’ll like someone romantically or sexually one day (although I highly doubt that since I’m almost 20 and have yet to experience either feeling once), or maybe I won’t. But no one has the right to decide for me how I identify. My identity is all based on how I myself feel right now, and the same goes for anyone else reading this, no matter how young they are.

[fire-fira]

Nonbinary Awareness Week Day 2: Coming To Terms

(This is probably going to get wordy as heck.)

First time I heard terms around being nonbinary or about there being more than two genders:

Whoooooo boy. Okay, so the first time I heard terms for it was sometime in my teens (because yay, the now dated af documentary [Middle Sexes]-- dear gods, I had to be around 18 or 19 even though it feels like I saw it when I was way younger, more around 13, smh). First time I was aware of there being more than two genders though... That was back when I was 4. I didn’t have the words for it back then beyond ‘I know I’m not a girl. So does that make me a boy? ...Noooooo, I’m not that either.’ (Not that I was saying that to anyone around me, because no one asked.)

When and how I realized I was nonbinary:

LOL

Like I said with the first question, I knew I was nonbinary when I was 4. (I’m an allistic hyperlexic and I was WAY too smart for my own good as a little kid. I was thinking through cause-and-effect when I was 4 and reading at a college level in first grade. So me going through that whole ‘Why are they calling me that? That’s weird and isn’t right, I’m not a girl. Okay, if I’m not a girl does that mean I’m a boy? ...Noooooo, I’m not that either’ string of logic at that age was entirely on brand for me.)

Something else that was entirely on brand for me at that age was looking at the world around me and not seeing any examples of what I knew I was and immediately coming to the conclusion that if I told anyone I wasn’t a girl or a boy that they’d think I was insane and have me committed to an asylum and I’d never be let out. Not fun times. (Though hilariously enough, that same logic I had as a kid also came to the conclusion that since I wasn’t a girl or a boy that it was impossible for me to be straight. Yes, I seriously thought out that sort of crud and came to that conclusion as a kid. And considering I’m aroace turns out I was right-- though obviously not for the reasons I thought back then. lol)

Though the first time I saw an example of anything in fiction that said ‘that’s what I am’ in terms of my gender to little me was when I was 5 and saw the anime Dominion Tank Police for the first time. (The character didn’t even have any lines and was unconscious in a sort of stasis, and then wasn’t even on screen for long. Pretty sad if you think about it, but 5-year-old me was enthralled by the idea of seeing a character like me when I didn’t think that was possible.)

Second example of a character in fiction that read as nonbinary to me was way back in 1st grade and it was a book on tape. I can’t remember the title or the author (infuriatingly enough), but I do remember that the main character (named X) was able to mentally jump from one person to another and ‘inhabit’ them without anyone knowing they were there ‘controlling’ the person’s actions, and that X’s pronouns shifted with whoever they were temporarily inhabiting. (Little me both was and wasn’t envious of the idea. On one hand, being able to switch around like that would have been nice; on the other hand, never being seen as me and only as other people is something that I found unnerving, and still do.)

Did I ever consider being a label other than the one I identify with, and what was the process of finding my gender like?:

From ages 4 to 18 there was a TON of me not saying outright what I was, but also trying to be read as nonbinary as possible. I was so painfully obvious about being nonbinary that it was like a rhinoceros wearing a tutu and a tiara and trying to hide behind a 1 ft tall bush and claim it was a ballerina. No one was buying it. But since most people around me didn’t have the mental framework to even conceive of anyone nonbinary, there was a lot of me freaking people out because they could tell I was ‘weird’ but they couldn’t put into words or place how I was ‘weird’.

I tried to figure out terms back in junior high to early high school, but the ones back then didn’t really stick. (They were way too caught up in my aroace-ness too, and just didn’t feel right. I let go of the two terms I thought up back then because they also felt kind of pretentious to me and I didn’t like that feeling.)

I came to third-gender as the term that just felt right when I was 22 or 23 thanks to self-education and finding Will Roscoe’s [Changing Ones]. (And damned if my mixed-race Native ass wasn’t relieved to know that a lot of NDN cultures recognize(d) people like me for who we are/were. And yeah, I know there are some things in that book that are questionable, but at the time it was what I needed.)

For a while in my early-to-mid 20s I considered identifying as genderqueer, but I couldn’t pin down the definition for it in my head and that made me uncomfortable-- and with the fact that one of the possible definitions is ‘a person not identifying with socially constructed gender roles’ (which can apply to some cis people), I felt like it wasn’t clear enough in stating that I am not a woman or man. So I ditched it pretty quickly.

I also had a brief stint in my early 20s of wondering if I was intersex and had been operated on before I fully grasped the concept that anatomy =/= gender. (I might or might not be, genetics and biology is weird and complicated and I don’t really care, though as far as I’m aware I’m not.)

Calling myself nonbinary more generally clicked into place when I was about 25.

I’ve vaguely considered Two Spirit, but 1) I don’t feel like I have a right to that term without someone else Native saying that I am (for complicated personal reasons), and 2) part of me feels it’s not quite as specific as I’d prefer for my own self-description.

Have I come out to anyone else? Who?:

AHAHAHAHAAAAAA-- I started coming out more openly in my early 20s and I never freaking looked back.

First person I actually came out to (in that complicated ‘I’m not a girl or guy’ way) was the school counselor for my grade on the last day of my senior year of high school. Talk about dropping an info bomb and running.

First person in my family I came out to was a cousin who I’m not close to (and has serious issues, which I’m hoping she’ll eventually get better from), and even though I haven’t seen her in years (she kind of burned all bridges with our family) my fiance’s seen her around recently and has told me that my cousin used the right pronouns for me. Honestly didn’t expect that when at least two (loud) members of my family won’t even give me that respect.

My family knows, all my friends know, back when I was in college I made it a point to come out on the first day of classes every class, and I make it a point to come out if I’m going to be interacting with anyone for an extended period of time rather than just a few minutes. Why? Because I am still PAINFULLY FREAKING OBVIOUS, and if I tell people right off the bat then they’re able to get over the internal ‘OMG THAT PERSON’S WEIRD! BUT HOWWWW????????’ pretty quickly instead of freaking out over trying to pick apart why I trip their sense of ‘this person is strange’.

If you’re not out, are you planning to come out? Is being out important to you?:

I am SO thoroughly out.

I cannot and WILL NOT go back to lying about who I am. I was so damn miserable before I stopped lying and trying to hide that I’m an enby. No one can pay me enough to ever willingly go back to that.

And again, I’m painfully obvious. I can’t hide, even if people have the biggest cis-normative goggles on, because my behavior, personality, intonation, and body language-- everything of who I am-- gives me away. It’s honestly safer for me to be upfront about my gender than it is to try to hide it, because if I’m going to be tripping wires for people anyway then I may as well give them the framework to understand it so they don’t stress and obsess over it to the point of either ostracizing me or being outright hostile. (Yes, that’s happened to me a lot in my life.)

Plus my being so blatantly out has helped a bunch of other people where I live come to terms with the fact that they’re enbies too. And there is no way in hell I will ever regret having helped others have the confidence to be who they are.

[acesartemis]

Join the Hunt | Aro and Ace Event

by @searchingforartemis

Prompt: Identity

I'm a white and fat 27 y/o aroace hufflepuff leo. I also consider myself queer.

So, it's quite obvious I identify as asexual. I have ever since finding the term ... 4/5 years ago (holy shit time flies) and I found out this part of me I didn't know I was missing. I had always thought I was a late bloomer, or that to just valued working hard at school and all these feelings would come later.

And while I still do value all those things, the feelings never came... Or they have, and they're so few and far between I don't realize I am feeling what allos do. And it never really bothered me.

So when I found the term I was like huh... Okay. And then I had a dream not too long after where for reasons unbeknownst to me, I literally wrote "I am asexual" on a chalkboard. Damn, can't deny that!

My aro identity came slower. I'm a fat girl, always have been, so I had to differentiate not wanting to date because I felt I wasn't worthy or just... Not wanting to date. Again, I'm technically in the gray area (aroace is just so much easier) so I think I have had this pull before, but not strong enough to be bothered by it.

And quite honestly, I am pretty damn happy to just be surrounded by friends and family, most important my fur-daughter Piper. :)

I'm also very sex repulsed, though it's constantly in flux. Visuals make me more uncomfortable than written. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm better with romance, but I do get tired when it's the focus of something. Again tho, visuals make it worse for me at times, but not as much as sex does.

[aro-aceplace]

I'm finding myself warming up to the graysexual and grayromantic labels during my questioning journey. The only reason why I'm not identifying as them is because of my age - I'm not even eighteen yet (A couple years behind). And I'm afraid the only reasons why I feel like those labels is because I haven't had experience or -as I said- I'm too young to know, and I tried telling my mom how I felt and she thinks those don't apply to me either (She's LBGT+ positive though?) I don't know what to do.

You’re not too young to know yourself. If that’s what fits you right now, use them. Sure, things could change (and in that case, you can then reevaluate what labels you think fit out) but they could also stay the same. You know yourself right now, so go with what’s true to the you right now, not the shrodinger’s you.

Regardless of what other people say. Even your mother who might be well intentioned but is wrong to use your age to invalidate your experiences. “you’re too young to know” is used to invalidate all kinds of queer and lgbt+ people, but for some reason even large parts of our communities use it against aspecs. They’re not right to do so. If you’re old enough to know when you do like people... you’re also old enough to know when you don’t. And I think a lot of people forget what it was like to be in middle school and high school and how it’s so obvious that people your age are developing feelings and relationships and that it’s really obvious to you when you’re not. And that even if they’re supportive of gay and lesbian and bi and trans people because those things have become more visible and normalized... the idea that people don’t or won’t want a relationship is still very challenging to the entire amatanormativity of society, it goes against everything we’ve been told. People see the concept of not aspecness as missing out on everything that you’re supposed to see as a goal. And because “you’re just a late bloomer” was used as a means of reassurance, because “oh, you’re just a late bloomer, you’ll find someone one day” means, you’ll still get to be happy, people respond with it thinking they’re being helpful when really, they’re just invalidating.

Also.. I mean. I knew I was different from my peers in middle school (so like... 12-13) and first voiced my “I’m not attracted to anybody” in 9th grade at 14. I discovered the term for being aroace at 21 because I was trying to come up with a word for what I was experiencing and then google showed me I wasn’t alone and the word I had made up was what people actually used to mean what I was. I turned 26 last week and I’m still aroace. I’ve gotten told “you’re just a later bloomer, you’ll find someone, you’ll change your mind.” And if the fact I’ve gone 15 years without that changing... well, I’m guessing it’s not going to for me and I’m confident enough in myself to assert that.

But like... tons of other things did change. Things like playing cards every day at lunch to not playing them at all for years. Like having only blue clothes, no jeans, and absolutely NO pink or Skirts to discovering that I enjoyed a lot more colors and jeans and adore wearing flouncy swishy skirts and dresses and still don’t like pink but being able to voice why.

But even if it had... 12 year old me was just as right about their orientation as 26 year old me is. And they were just as right about not linking jeans or pink or wearing skirts and dresses as current me is about loving them. People told me I would change my mind on everything, some of them I did, some of them I still haven’t. Those were my truths then. These are mine now.

You know yourself now. Be kind to yourself. Trust that you know yourself well enough to make decisions about who you are right now. Some things will change, some things won’t, but that doesn’t mean they’re not true right now.

If you feel grayromantic and graysexual are accurate for you right now, use them.

[firecoloredwater]

Ace representation gives me weird feelings.

This was originally posted on pillowfort, and is being reposted here for the September 2019 Carnival of Aces.

To be 100% clear: I AM ACE.  (And aro, and the concept of gender gives me approximately the same feelings as the concept of being covered in live spiders, which I will grudgingly/squeamishly refer to as being agender or nonbinary when a label is required.)  Relevantly: ace.*

I began to identify as ace when I first heard the word, and had an "oh" moment.  (Or rather, multiple simultaneous "oh" moments.  "Oh that's a thing" and "oh maybe my classmates aren't all just faking relationships to mimic TV" are the two I remember most clearly.)  It was July, and at the time I was fifteen; I'm currently 28, so that's a bit over 13 years.  I'll skip the full journey, but the point is, this is an identity that I've had for a while and am comfortable with.

Despite that, ace characters in fiction give me weird feelings.  I mostly end up metaphorically staring at fiction which I know contains ace characters, going "hrmmmm I can't parse exactly what feeling I'm having, but I'm not enjoying it," to the point where I sometimes end up avoiding them entirely.  I doubt I'll be able to analyze all of why, but I'd like to at least try to start.

I'm also not referring to bad representation, or even to representation that focuses heavily on angst/suffering/prejudice.  Several years ago I read a large chunk of Shades of A (which, for anyone unfamiliar and about to click that link, includes a lot of kink and general adult themes; since it's been years I can't recall exactly what's in it) which was, from what I recall, very well done, and then I hit a point where I just... couldn't make myself keep going.  More recently I've heard several times about Every Heart a Doorway and thought 'that appeals to literally everything I want in fiction that I can think of' and then... not read it.

On the other hand, if a character is called asexual or characterized in a way that I can easily interpret as their being asexual, but it's not a major focus of the story or descriptions/advertisements/reviews thereof, I don't have the same reaction.  So for the rest of this post I'm just going to be discussing the former category (fiction with asexual representation that does give me weird feelings), and not addressing works that have an asexual or easily-read-as-asexual characters without giving me the weird feelings about it.  (The only real explanation I have for why a work falls in one category or another is the 'is it a major focus' question, so I don't think I can get anything useful out comparing them.)

Some of this, I'm sure, is that I'm just generally low on energy; I'm not reading much of anything that isn't fanfic right now.  But I tend to avoid fanfic tagged or described as having an asexual character too, so it's not just that.

The most obvious source is just that ace characters are unfamiliar.  There are a handful around now, even in mainstream media, but that wasn't true until I was in my 20s.  (Unless, of course, you counted the monsters/aliens/serial killers, and even then it was only the monsters/aliens/serial killers that the creator wanted to emphasize were really, really inhuman, even more than your typical monster/alien/serial killer.  And I was never fond of horror anyway.)  So ace characters stand out to me in a way that straight characters (and gay or lesbian ones, thanks largely to the Valdemar series) don't.  That extra attention-catching element can in itself make the representation feel weird and off on a level that's often subconscious and therefore difficult to dissect.  Again, though, while I think this is likely to be an element, I don't think it's the only reason.

I think some of it is the expectation—mine, but absorbed from a more general one—that if an asexual character is present, that should be the character that I most strongly (or even exclusively) identify with and connect to.  But that's often difficult: Anwar from Shades of A, for example, I have prettymuch nothing in common with except for being ace, our general age range, and maaaybe some of the social awkwardness and tendency toward geekiness that 98.5% of characters on the internet have.  I spent a lot of the time I was trying to read the comic being frustrated at every significant decision Anwar made because, while I probably would not have made better decisions, I certainly would have made different ones, and couldn't bring myself to empathize with his reasoning or priorities in any but one minor aspect.

And again, it's not that he's a bad character, it's just that he and I have nothing in common.  But I felt like I ought to empathize with him—I'm pretty sure he was the first ace character I ever encountered, so obviously I should empathize with him strongly and immediately and easily, right?  Not even "I should be able to," just I should, like saying the sun should rise in the morning, it's expected to just happen.  And because of that I couldn't pick another character to identify with (JD is nonbinary!  Chris and I have the same hair color! From what I remember they both have a more similar personality to me than Anwar does!) and I also couldn't just let myself gradually develop an understanding of Anwar's thought processes and start empathizing with him over time, because I was supposed to identify with him yesterday.  (Or rather, at least five years ago.)

(To be clear: none of this is something I was thinking consciously at the time, I was just frustrated with Anwar's decisions and didn't really analyze it further until like, two hours ago.  But from my current perspective, I think this is what was going on.)

Since I haven't actually read Every Heart a Doorway I of course can't be sure the same thing would happen, but I think I've avoided it because I expect it to.  From the summary it sounds like the main character is maybe fifteen or so, and the majority if not all major characters are mid-to-late teens?  So I'd be reading the book more as an observer than projecting myself among them, which is fine and often a thing I enjoy in fiction (because I'm way too empathetic and that distance helps tone down my distress at every little thing ever). But with an asexual main character... well, I wouldn't quite feel guilty about not identifying with her, but I'd be conscious of it the entire time I was reading in a way that would be distracting, and wouldn't be enjoyable.

Another possible element is that I tend to avoid fiction (and fanfic) in which a romantic relationship is the primary plot.  Since the majority of all fiction is romance, logically the majority of fiction with ace characters will be as well, and 'has an ace character' isn't enough to make me interested.  I think there's also a chance that romance fiction is in fact more likely to have an ace character, and/or to be labeled as having one (particularly in the case of fandom/fanfic/original work in fandom-derived areas).  A creator whose primary story focus is the characters' romantic and sexual relationships is more likely to consider the characters' romantic and sexual orientations, and therefore more likely to explicitly call a character asexual (whether in the story itself, a summary/description, or tags). Trying to read a story with an asexual character but being bored because it's a romance gives me about the same not-quite-guilty-but-not-comfortable feeling as being unable to identify with an asexual character does.

When I was in college I explained Asexuality 101 to various people or groups of people at various times, and one of the things I found myself explaining a lot is that "asexual" is actually just as much an umbrella term as "queer" or "trans" is.  Even without including demisexuality and the gray-a spectrum in the term (which at the time as far as I knew, at least, the most common approach was to just say "asexuality and gray-asexuality" if you wanted to discuss both) "asexual" includes asexuals of every romantic orientation and aroaces and people who prefer not to use the construct of romantic orientation, asexuals who are repulsed and who enjoy sex and who don't care too much either way, asexuals who lack attraction or libido or both or who experience both but are asexual anyway, because humans are complicated and sexuality is complicated and human sexuality is, therefore, utterly bizarre, and it would be weirder if asexuality (or any sexuality) were easy to define.**

And I think that's a factor too; there are asexual people whose experience of What It's Like To Be Asexual will have not one single thing in common with my experience of being asexual, and so a character that perfectly represents them will just leave me confused.  Which gets back to the thing about asexuality not really being sufficient for me to identify with a character, and the way that that fact runs into my expectation that it should be sufficient.  Like walking down a sidewalk, pausing to do something, then looking up and discovering a wall half an inch from my nose.  It's not painful, but it's jarring and annoying and I kind of want to look around and check if anyone saw that, because if so I'll be embarrassed about it.

(And I expect that most likely there are other factors, but I'm not coming up with them right now and this is long enough already, so I'll wind down here.)

I don't think this is a problem, or something that needs to be fixed; if "I'm not consuming the fiction that I would have expected myself to consume" is a problem at all, it's definitely the most minor one I've ever experienced.  If it does need to be fixed (or prevented), I think that "have more ace representation so it's not a Rare New Extraordinary Thing all the time" is probably the solution, and I'm pretty sure that aces are already in favor of more well done ace representation in fiction.

But it's still an experience, and it's been gnawing at my brain for months, so I'm posting this and... well, we'll see if and what use people make of it.  Has anyone else had the same or a similar experience?  Any thoughts on other factors which I didn't think of?  Some other related thing I missed?

*I'm not discussing aromantic or agender or nonbinary representation/my reactions to it because 1: asexuality is by far my "primary" identity (in the sense that it's significant to how I define and think of myself, while being aromantic and agender are just sort of... facts that forms sometimes request; probably largely because I settled on both those identities much later), and 2: frankly I haven't encountered aromantic or agender representation enough or in the right ways to experience this dynamic with them.  Or any dynamic, really.

**If you want to argue with me about the definition of What Is Really Truly Actually Asexual and how something I included Doesn't Count, please make a separate post and like, send me a link or something if you really want my opinion specifically.  My opinion is pretty firm but I'm willing to discuss it in good faith, but it's not the point of this post and I'd rather not go off on that tangent here.  Same if you want to argue that gray-asexuality ought to by default be included with the term 'asexual;' I don't honestly care either way on that one, I'm just describing the vocabulary I was familiar with at the time.

[aroworlds]

arrowhead by @mral3x1s

a heroes of olympus fanfic starring two aroace characters: an autistic daughter of athena and a son of hermes! she decides to join the hunters of artemis and he’s very sad about it, but not for the reasons you might think.

“i’ve made up my mind. i’m going to join her. i’m going to become one of them.”

it’s been a weekend since luna uttered those words, and a weekend since she saw the devastating expression on alex’s face, weakly masked by words of encouragement and understanding. she was never good with anticipating human emotions and reactions, but this one stunned her more than anything else in her life, so much so that she went into a non-verbal shock, only answering amber’s worried questions in between packing up belongings.

“well, i guess i can understand him. i’m a bit sad about this, too. but it’s not like he’s never gonna see you again,” amber said, adjusting her aim with her bow.

“artemis never mentioned any policy about visiting, i assume it’s fine.”

“then why is he making such a big deal out of this? i hate seeing you guys not talking like this. i miss hearing debates about video game characters or cards at lunch.” she smiled at luna, hoping to instill some sort of positivity in her, but the moon could only reflect so much of the sun’s light. she could swear her skin got paler and her hair darker in the last 2 days.

luna brushed her fingers over the collection of arrows laid out in the armory. “we used to play video games, too. he stopped going online,” she said.

amber fired, but the shock of realisation made her miss her target. well, miss by apollo’s standards anyway. “that’s… that sounds like heartbreak.”

luna stopped, hovering over a grey arrow with green and black feathers. she didn’t respond, instead simply stroking the smooth ivory head. she dreaded the words that would come next.

“you don’t think… he could have feelings for you?”

she grasped the arrowhead. it dug into her skin more than she had expected. it wasn’t for training, which was surprising considering how expensive it looked. how could one risk losing it on the battlefield?

“alex doesn’t… get feelings like that. he never did,” luna said.

“makes it even harder to say it. cause… you know…” she lowered her gaze and bow.

“no,” luna said. “i don’t know.”

“well that’s… that’s the problem, isn’t? what if he knows now, and you still… don’t?” amber said.

“that’s the problem…” luna repeated the words and looked down at the arrow. the colours. of course. it couldn’t have been a coincidence, one of the gods must’ve been playing some elaborate prank. she was willing to place her bets on aphrodite, getting revenge for her twins. and for luna’s existence altogether.

“oh… no, that’s not what i–” amber tried to reply.

“yes it is. don’t lie,” luna responded.

“i–no, wait–luna!”

but she was already out the door. behind her she could hear the spring of an arrow striking its target. she could swear the target was her chest.

it’s not that the idea didn’t occur to her. after consuming a good amount of popular media, she could easily identify the classic patterns it presents, exaggerated as they may be. there is, apparently, some seed of truth in them - some people really do feel things like that, and that makes them act in certain ways luna could never imagine herself in. though, unlike last time, this time it wasn’t as obvious, which let her ignore it. but only up until now. the 12 main houses came into view, and she immediately spotted the spiky blonde mane, surrounded by a similar colour. but before she could reach, they locked eyes. she saw a flash of pain, which she reflected like a mirror. could it really be true? she took another step forward, but he had already turned away and began talking to one of his brothers, and the orange-yellow mass began moving towards the dining area. he wasn’t making this easy for either of them.

upon arriving at the dining area, and after watching her sacrifice go up in flames, she soon started to feel her heart join it when she saw that her table only had one blonde head instead of two. without much control, she looked up to look for him, and found him exactly where expected - sat right between the two rob brothers. on any other day, this wouldn’t have bothered her us much, but today… today was the last day. she’s running out of time, and he’s running from her.

“luna, i’m sorry, i really didn’t mean–”

“it’s okay,” she said and sat down. “i’m used to it.”

amber let out a groan. “gods, why do you two like bottling everything up so much?”

“the shelf above my bed is quite barren, and i need to put them somewhere,” luna said after a couple seconds of pondering.

amber snickered. “well, at least your sense of humor’s not gone yet.”

luna put down her fork. “i will be soon, though. and i have to talk to him before that, but he keeps escaping me.”

“well,” amber grinned. luna raised an eyebrow. “you’re a hunter, right? can’t you catch a beast?” she said.

she glanced over. “alex was always the one in charge of traps… i don’t know how well can i set one up. besides, where could i put it that won’t risk it catching some other hermes child, or–”

“dude. i just meant we can sneak up on him after lunch.”

“…oh.”

another laugh. that made her feel a bit warmer. or was that the soup settling in her stomach?

“come on,” amber urged her. “finish up your food and get into position.”

luna drank the rest of her vegetable soup while amber scarfed down her salad, and when they were sure alex’s head was turned away, they got into position behind 2 pillars.

“alright, here’s the plan. i grab alex and tell his siblings that i need to talk to him for a second, and then you get out from behind there and tackle him. okay?” amber whispered.

luna nodded. “i’ll use the advantage of surprise you’ll provide me and try to get him off balance, though he could very easily maneuver his way out of it if i don’t watch his arms and legs–”

amber put a hand on her shoulder. “i’ll leave that up to you.”

luna coughed. “right.”

everyone started getting up. luna stood in position, listening for amber’s voice in the sea of noises. she heard it at last, and started preparing to attack, but was stopped in her tracks by what she was saying.

“hey–uh… where’s alex?” she asked.

“oh. he said he went to the training area.”

“training area…? why?”

“i don’t know. maybe he wanted some alone time.”

she turned to luna now. “well, he’s not getting any. go! come on!”

luna didn’t need to be told twice. going round the hellenic structure, she started sprinting down the hill towards another such building with similar pillars and cracked slabs, only this time attached to an armory instead of a kitchen. she snuck inside, alex’s silhouette visible through the opened door, as well as that of a dummy. the sounds of repeating slashing hurt her, though she wasn’t sure in what part of the body. she went up to the arrow stand and picked up her stim toy from before, and with an exhale, threw it at the dummy’s head. alex wasn’t slow, but he wasn’t as fast as usual, as he did manage to slice the arrow in half, but not stop it from hitting the dummy. the coloured stem fell to the ground, and when he looked up from it, he saw a pair of glowing grey eyes before feeling a pair of hands attempt to grasp his. he quickly pulled backwards and ducked, dropping the knife, but extending his leg over hers in an attempt to trip her. luna jumped over the obstacle, all too familiar with it, and reached down to try and pin him by the arms again. she found that attempting to restrict an enemy without damaging them is surprisingly difficult. alex kept wriggling out from under her and keeping her off balance, though he couldn’t quite manage to get away, but he was getting tired. eventually he simply sat down on the ground, panting. luna joined him. if he really wanted to escape, he would, but it wasn’t her he was running away from. it was the situation.

“that… was some good… training,” he said between deep breaths. “you nearly got me.”

“yes,” she said. “you were quite out of it.”

“i think you were just really into it this time.”

“you know i don’t like combat,” she straightened her back and started to get up.

“then why be a hunter?” he stood up too. even though the fight was over, he could still attack. but judging by the pained expression, that wasn’t his intention.

“because i belong there, alex.” saying the name already felt like swallowing a rock. “artemis has been more of a mother to me than athena ever was, and much more of a parent than my father. if i ever want to return to some form of a normal life, i’m going to need protection. from him, and from his monsters. i can’t do this alone.” tears started welling up.

“than what am i…?” he looked on with lowered eyes. clearly he heard her plea. but in what form?

she couldn’t bear being left in the dark any longer.

asking the question would mean acknowledging something she wished could just disappear. but not asking it might mean one of the closest people in the world to her might vanish.

she took a sharp breath.

“alex.”

he looked up again. “yeah?”

“are you so upset about me becoming a hunter… because you… you… like me?”

his eyes widened. “what? no! why would you–”

she let out her breath with a sigh of relief. “thank the gods.”

“luna, i told you, i’m not like that. that’s not why i was so upset either,” he said.

“then… why?”

“because i want you to be here everyday. i want to train with you, play with you, talk with you. i want to go on adventures together and see the world and fight monsters, and i hate knowing that i’ll grow old and won’t be able to do that anymore, but you’ll have lots of friends to keep having fun with.” he started crying. the tears glistened in the moonlight. luna couldn’t help but stare. “i know it’s childish. i know it’s stupid. but you’re my best friend.” he meekly held her hand, his fair skin still starkly dark against hers. “i can’t just… say goodbye.”

“so you tried to avoid saying it for 2 days straight.” she smiled faintly. he was only a year younger than her, but he really was still just a child.

“i’m… i’m sorry!” he was sobbing now. “i didn’t know what to do… it just hurt so much… i didn’t mean to hurt you too,” he held up his other hand to try and wipe his eyes. “i’m such an idiot!”

“no you’re not. you’re alex,” luna said softly. he laughed and pulled her in for a hug, making her tear up as well. she hugged him back, playing with his ever messy hair - an all time favorite stim toy. she’ll miss him.

“wait,” he said, eyes shining, but not from tears.

“i am. though i don’t have much time. i have to go soon,” luna said.

he chuckled. “i know, i know. but…” he put a finger under his chin. “do you know if boys can join the hunters of artemis, too?”

luna’s eyes widened. she didn’t notice that she’d started smiling, if very faintly. “i… i never asked, but i suppose it doesn’t directly violate any rules. and there have been cases like that in the past.” she looked him in the eyes. “but you’ll have to swear off romantic relationships - with anyone - forever. are you sure you’re okay with that?”

he huffed and grinned. “are you kidding? if anything, it’s a bonus.”

“are you sure?” she said.

“uh, i get to be immortal and hang out with a bunch of friends in the forest, and i get to opt out of romance forever? hell yeah,” he said. his excitement was such a relief luna had to resist an urge for another hug.

“but… all of your friends will grow old without you,” her expression fell again. “weren’t you afraid of that?”

he shook his head. “i was scared of growing old myself. i wish more of my friends could join, that’s true, but the price seems too much for them.” he shrugged. “i guess their happiness is different than my happiness.”

“that much is true,” luna said. “that’s why i decided to join in the first place. so i could still find happiness in a society that keeps insisting my idea of it is wrong. in a sense, i’m not too different from you.”

alex raised an eyebrow.

“i know.”

“not just in that sense. i, too, was afraid of growing old. i was afraid i’d see all my friends find partners and forget about me. i was afraid of being alone,” she said. admitting it hurt. she could only imagine how much it hurt him.

“but we don’t have to be! right?” he smiled. the pain melted away.

“right. speaking if which, we have to go soon. you have to get ready, and we have to update amber on the matter.” and it was back. “i do hate leaving her behind.”

alex took her hand again. “we’re not. we’ll come visit as much as we can. and she’s almost like our cousin, isn’t she? can’t she join us sometimes?”

“i’ll ask artemis about that,” she replied.

[arotechno]

Aromantic-Official’s Pride Month 2018 Questions!

It’s time for me to finally answer the weekly pride month questions set up by @aromantic-official! I realize it’s the last week of pride month and I’m only doing these now, but I’m a mod. So I get to break the rules. ;)

I apologize in advance, as this post is going to be a monster.

June 1-2: Pride Month Kickoff!

1. What aro pride merch do you have and/or want?

As of right now, all I’ve got is an aro bracelet that my friend made me for my birthday and a green aro ring that I got for a dollar. I would like to get my hands on an aro flag, and some pins or something... but I don’t have the money to throw at pride merch right now! Subtle merch is also good, as I’m out to precisely 3 people offline.

2. What are some of your favorite aro-friendly songs? (Feel free to make a playlist!)

Here. Or for more aro playlists besides mine, my aro jams tag.

3. What are your favorite arospec symbols?

I guess just the flag (the version that I use in my icon)? Arrow symbolism is also cool. Or, if you’re from the arocalypse crowd: papos. Although that might be a dated reference now...

(weeks 1-4 under the cut because I’m nice)

Questions for Week One (June 3-9):

1. How did you realize you were aro/arospec? How long have you known?

It was the spring of 2014, when I was a freshman in high school. For most of my life, I never really thought about or questioned my orientation. I figured I would know what I was when I felt it. But I always knew I didn’t get crushes, and figured that wasn’t weird and that I’d get them eventually... That didn’t end up happening, as you might imagine. I was never ashamed of who I was, though--not until people made me feel that way, and I realized maybe I really was different or weird. Thankfully, I had stumbled across asexuality, and consequently aromanticism (this was 2014; if you think it’s hard to find information about aromanticism outside of ace spaces now, think about how it was back then), before that point. It just didn’t really click until somewhere down the line. And even then, I waffled on aromanticism vs. asexuality for quite a bit, feeling more drawn to the ace community due to its size and its exposure, and frankly I couldn’t tell which one I was, though eventually I realized that was because I was both! It’s been several years and I’ve grown a lot, and I’ve become more in tune to my aromanticism apart from my asexuality.

2. Have you come out to anyone? Share a coming out story (coming out to yourself also counts)!

It’s funny, I was just thinking about this yesterday. I’m out as aromantic to three people irl, but I’ve never actually properly come out on my own terms. Two of my friends were peripherally involved at the time that I realized I was aromantic, so they were kind of a part of the realization and I never had to explicitly tell them that I had figured out this part of myself. The third friend came to understand my feelings about attraction before I eventually told her the words. But I’ve never had somebody in my life who presumed I was straight that I was able to explicitly decide I wanted to tell that I wasn’t.

In terms of coming out to myself, it took me about a year after realizing I was aroace to say the words out loud to myself. Sophomore year of high school was when I really began to fully accept that this was who I am and that I could say it and be proud of it, rather than it just being a peripheral aspect of my life that I had to pretend didn’t affect me (because we’re so often taught that we’re supposed to be just like everyone else despite our sexuality, but I have always felt that it made me explicitly not like everyone else, and that was the problem). So I said to myself, in the mirror, “I’m aromantic and asexual.” And I started writing it in my journal. At this point, I was in a weird place where I wasn’t even sure my two closest friends knew I was aroace and that it wasn’t just something I had speculated. It took me until the end of that school year to start using the word not only to myself, but to them as well. Even now, I still talk circles around it sometimes. Internalized aphobia is a real pain in the ass.

3. How/Why is your aromanticism important to you/your identity?

My aromanticism shapes how I see the world in a lot of ways. It affects me every day of my life. It influences my views on philosophy, relationships, my experiences with gender... I can’t relate to the majority of the world’s population on such a basic level that I’m often left wondering what my place in the world is and feeling like I’m living in a different universe altogether. It’s frustrating, but it can also be exciting. I’m proud of the way being aromantic has shaped me. I think the ways I view the world make sense, and being aromantic has a lot to do with it.

I consider myself to be an existentialist, and accepting that my emotional wants, needs, and experiences didn’t line up with the marriage/kids/white picket fence narrative that I was always expected to follow really helped me realize that if I don’t have to follow that narrative, then I don’t have to follow any narrative at all. I can do whatever I want with my life, and there’s no cosmic reason for me to do anything else. That’s voidpunk, baby.

4. What are some misconceptions about aromanticism that bother you?

That we’re heartless. That we don’t feel less emotions/weaker emotions than alloromantic people, or generally equating romance with emotions. That we need a QPR or other type of non-romantic partnership to fill a void where romantic relationships “should be.” That aromanticism must modify or be secondary to one’s sexual orientation. That we don’t risk being dehumanized or cut off from people around us when we come out. Arophobia in general.

5. What’s something you like about being aro/arospec? Something you dislike?

I love the arospec community first and foremost, and as I mentioned above I love the way aromanticism shapes my view of the world. I love that the aro community, though we are stereotyped as being heartless, is so full of love and compassion for one another that we can’t even argue with each other, we just have pleasant, generally civil discussions and often end up reaching mutual conclusions. I love that I can make this entire long-winded post about my experiences and not only will people read it, but they’ll appreciate it and respect it.

I hate not being understood. I hate the fact that I don’t want to come out because I’m afraid I’ll have to give an emotionally taxing vocab lesson and/or be dismissed or ridiculed and/or be called a heartless monster. I hate that we don’t have any mainstream representation that doesn’t get ripped from our hands by people who claim we do not deserve it. I hate that there are no aromantic role models in the public eye living happy lives for us to look up to; but then again, I have a secret fondness for being part of a generation that future aromantics will be able to look up to.

Questions for Week Two (June 10-16):

1. What aro-spectrum labels, terms, descriptors, and identities do you identify with?

I identify as aromantic. I also use nonamorous as a descriptor a lot of the time. That’s pretty much it. The term arogender kind of speaks to me in a way (I was there when it was coined!), as my experience with gender does feel influenced by my aromanticism, but I don’t know that I’m particularly inclined to use it for myself. I like to keep things simple, I guess.

2. Talk about other aspects of your identity that are important to you, that are meaningful parts of you like your aromanticism, such as ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, neurodivergence, mental illness, chronic illness, disabilities, etc.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m asexual as well as being aromantic. They kind of go hand-in-hand for me, but I’m much more open about being asexual if only because it’s more commonly understood and accepted. Several years ago, I was much more connected to the ace community than the aro community, but in the last couple of years that dynamic has completely flip-flopped. I feel more at home in the aromantic community, as the ace community often feels to me more focused on navigating romantic relationships while asexual, and as an aromantic I really don’t find any solace in that. The ace community has also thrown me and my aro and aroace siblings under the bus multiple times, which often makes me feel unwelcome, unfortunately.

3. How do other aspects of your identity intersect with or affect your aromanticism?

Other aspects of my identity don’t affect my aromanticism that much. On the contrary, my aromanticism affects my gender. I identify primarily as a cis female, but even saying I identify that way feels too strong, as it’s a pretty loose identification. Because of the ways in which misogyny, heteronormativity, and amatonormativity intersect, so much of traditional womanhood is based around finding romance, 99% of the time with a man. There isn’t really a subversive narrative for aro women. And femininity often feels like a costume designed to make me appear straight and allo and proper and headed for marriage. tl;dr gender machine broke.

4. Have any of your identities impacted you realizing you were aromantic, your questioning process, or coming to terms with it?

If you want to get obvious, asexuality directly helped me realize I was aromantic in that I would not have known that aromanticism existed without it. So thanks, ace community. You did do me a solid at one point or another.

Questions for Week Three (June 17-23):

1. What is your favorite aspect of the aro and arospec community?

I mentioned this earlier: I love how open, inclusive, accepting, and willing to have civil and productive discussion the aro community is. The aro community has also given me basically everything, especially the arocalypse gang (hi, guys). Without a community behind me, this blog would not exist, and I would feel devastatingly alone.

2. Are there any notable differences in your experiences in this community and other LGBTQIA+ spaces you have been in?

In general, compared to larger LGBTQIA+ spaces, the aro community on tumblr is obviously a lot smaller and more tight knit, which makes for an inherently different environment. Smaller voices somehow still speak so loud. That’s symptomatic of its size more than anything, and I haven’t been active in enough larger spaces to say much else.

The only other specific LGBTQIA+ spaces I’ve been in are asexual ones, and while there is some overlap between the two, aromantic spaces feel much more inclusive to me. Though that is likely due to the fact that asexual spaces do still put a focus on romance, while aromantic spaces certainly wouldn’t. The aromantic community is one of a kind and an absolute treasure, I guess is what I’m trying to say.

3. What’s one way that the aro community could be better or more inclusive? Do you have any tips on improving in this regard?

I think the aro community could take further steps to improve accessibility (I mean, look at me, I’m writing out this long-ass monster of a post. I’m part of the problem.). But I don’t really have any tips, considering I just broke one of my own suggestions... Don’t listen to me, I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about.

4. Do you think there are flaws in the way that different types of attractions are navigated, discussed, and defined in the aro community?

Yes. I talk about this from time to time on here... This is probably a hot take, but to me, defining types of attraction too rigidly, while it is helpful for tons of people, can often lead to an accidental hierarchy of types of attraction or relationships. For example, putting alterous attraction over platonic attraction, or queerplatonic relationships over more traditional platonic ones. I’m not saying anyone does this, at least not on purpose, but I think it’s at least a potential issue.

5. Do you consider yourself nonamorous, amorous, aplatonic, experiencing queerplatonic attraction, etc., or do you not use those terms? Are you romance positive, neutral, repulsed, or don’t use those labels? Do these answers intersect?

I’m nonamorous and romance repulsed. I’m not sure if they intersect, to be honest.

6. Have you ever been in a relationship you would consider committed, such as a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic, romantic, soft romo, friends-with-benefits, or others? How did being arospec affect that and the boundaries you set?

Nope. Again, nonamorous.

Questions for Week Four (June 24-30):

1. Have you ever participated in any pride events, such as parades and festivals? If so, do you feel welcome at these events? If not, would you want to go?

I haven’t. I would go, but I don’t really know how welcome I feel... And I’d need to go without being suspicious, which is pretty much impossible.

2. Do you celebrate pride month? If so, how do you celebrate? If not, why?

Hell, I’m doing it right now! I’ve been working on these questions with the other mods all month. Thaaaat’s about it, as there isn’t much to do around me except for go to pride, and I already explained why that was off the table.

3. Do you have any creative contributions to the aro community (art, comics, writing, moodboards, music, zines, informational posts, etc.)? Which do you like making the most? If you instead support aro creatives, what category of aro creations do you like best?

Hi, yeah, this blog. Shoutout to any of my followers who have been here since last year when all I posted on this blog was my writing... I guess you got more than you signed up for.

I write primarily short fiction for the aro community. I take soulmate prompts and spin them to be aromantic, and usually sad. Soulmates are a concept I hate with all my cold aro heart, so starting this blog was a mean of reclaiming that idea and making it a little less painful for myself and hopefully other aros. I’ve posted about this a thousand times, so I won’t go into more detail.

4. How do you feel aro creatives have impacted the community? Show some love to your favorite aro creators by @’ing them in this post and reblogging a bunch of their stuff. If you don’t have any favorites, now is a good opportunity to find a few!

Without aro creatives, we would have pretty much 0 content in general, as no one else seems to care about creating anything for us. @aroworlds is doing amazing work not only creating wonderful aro content but connecting other aro creators with one another and spreading the word. @aroacearborvitae makes moodboards and edits that brighten my day every time I see them. @arotryinghisbest is writing a novel if you want to go show him your support!

5. Is representation in mainstream media important to you? What about smaller, niche media? If so, why, and in what form would you like it to take?

Both are important, but for different reasons. I’m so thirsty for mainstream aromantic content that I would sell my soul for just one canon aromantic character on television. We need visibility, and we need people to know that we’re out here and that we exist and that we’re not broken or messed up or lying. But niche media is also important, as it often supports aromantic creators directly, and supporting small creators and media outlets is really important. Niche media can even sometimes be a gateway into mainstream media, if it picks up enough steam. Give me aro characters, please!

And that’s that. If you made it this far, congratulations, and thank you. Happy pride month! See you in the future when I hopefully start posting some more actual content...

[bluerobokitty]

Okay, so I was one of the interviewees for the #LanceIsBi article that just released recently, known as “Shardy”. Given how much the article is being discussed now, I’ve decided to post my entire interview in full to show just how in depth the discussion actually became. 

The article barely scratches the surface of the issue of the bisexual treatment in fandom, this is true. However, as someone who has been screaming into the void about this for a solid year and a half now, it was nice to finally have a platform on which to speak.

This whole thing started because the #LanceIsBi movement gained so much traction to the point of trending on Twitter. The editors of Den of Geek grew curious and wanted to look at why such a thing happened. Remember, not nearly as many people are involved with VLD discourse. Our fandom’s discourse so multi-layered and so complicated, people on the outside can’t really see it unless they become involved themselves. As far as DoG was concerned, this was just a fandom thirsty for bi representation. 

My quotes about it being mostly for a shipwar are not used within the article, but that would be an entire article on its own. However, this article did focus on how fans do queerbait themselves and others, the importance of separating fanon from canon, and real bisexual representation comes from the characters, not background colors and jokes by voice actors. I’m not gonna toss the baby out with the bathwater here - that’s a pretty good start. 

So without further ado, here is my interview. It was conducted via Twitter DMs back in October, but for ease of reading, I formatted the interview to post here. It’s a very long post, so if your “read more” function doesn’t work on your phone, I apologize. 

What’s your name? (You don’t have to give me your full name if you aren’t comfortable.) You also don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but if you’re willing to say so, how do you identify?

My name is Shardy and I identify as a bisexual female.

How long have you been a Voltron fan?

I’ve been a Voltron fan since Legendary defender first aired. I never had the chance to watch the original as a child, but I had friends who were super into it so when the reboot happened, I decided to check it out.

How do you interact with the Voltron fandom? Do you write fic? Post fanart? Discuss the series online? Whatever!

I interact as much as I can through fanfic, artwork and zines, I’m trying my hand at making merch, and I’m always discussing the series on Twitter or Discord from meta and worldbuilding to theories and ships.

Why do you see Lance as bisexual when the show hasn’t expressly said that he is?

So when I started headcanoning Lance as bisexual, I saw bisexual Lance headcanons making their way around fandom since day one. By then, fandom was pretty small and it was obvious that he was mostly headcanoned as bisexual for shipping purposes. Which, I really don’t mind, so long as people are respectful about it. I hadn’t entirely embraced my own bisexual label yet, I was still confused about a lot of things. But then I see this guy in this show who clearly prefers the opposite gender, but if he were bisexual, maybe it would be because he’s nervous around his own gender? Maybe he doesn’t know how to approach dudes like that? Maybe he doesn’t want to risk humiliating and outing himself by hitting on a straight guy? And I realized that was MY experience. That’s exactly how I felt around other women. Nervous, scared, maybe I should just stick to guys since it’s safer, makes me less vulnerable.

Lance is my favorite character because he’s closest to me in personality, so I projected a lot of experiences onto him. Of course, I relate to all the other characters in lots of different ways, too, but Lance is a bit special to me when it comes to my sexuality. I really used him in my fanfic to explore my own sexuality, and that’s the case for a lot of women in fandom, really. I know that he is thus far explicitly straight in canon, but the beauty of fandom and transformative works is that we don’t always have to strictly follow canon. So long as you don’t start insisting that such things are canon, because that’s when you start to queerbait yourself and see things that aren’t there, and if you base your expectations like that, you’ll only disappoint yourself in the show if not hate it. Which I’m starting to see a lot of people in fandom do.

This is why I am so incredibly bothered by #LanceIsBi movement. Which I will get to here in a minute because this movement stems from a much bigger problem that’s been festering in fandom for over the past year.

Do you think the series will ever openly confirm Lance is bisexual? How will you feel if they do or don’t?

I don’t think Lance was ever meant to be bisexual. I think he was always meant to end up with a girl (my money’s on Allura given the events of these past two seasons lol). It would be cool, though. I would like to see a little arc dedicated to him coming to terms with his attraction for his own gender, too. Because that’s what bisexual representation is all about. Coming to terms being someone attracted to multiple genders. And accepting that it doesn’t make you confused or broken or prone to cheating or anything else people who don’t understand bisexuality try to throw at us. Embracing our label. Even if Lance were to end up with a girl in the end, that would still be good representation because it’s never about the gender of our partner but our experiences and growing with our identity.

Unfortunately, people just don’t really accept bisexuals in different gender relationships most of the time. There was this huge blowup in fandom earlier this year about that. I’m a bisexual cis woman but I married and had a child with a cis man. It doesn’t sit well with a lot of people, so I get told a lot that I don’t really count as a queer. It looks invalidating. I think it’s because a lot of people think bisexual issues and homosexual issues are the same thing, and while we overlap in some things, our needs and our issues are not the same at all. We are two unique sexualities with our unique issues. I’ve been having quite a time trying to educate people about that ever since I came out.

So I don’t really blame the producers and the crew at all for not wanting to open that particular can of worms. It would be amazing if they did anyway, and a great opportunity, but if they don’t want to deal with that blowback, then that’s completely understandable. So if Lance is explicitly straight all the way through the series, I don’t have an issue with it.

Why do fans, particularly with Voltron, read so many of the characters as LGBT when there is very little if any canonical evidence in the series itself that they are? I know it isn't just Lance being bi. I've seen people Keith as gay, Pidge as trans, etc.

I think a lot of fandom headcanons the Voltron characters as LGBT+ because with so little representation out there, of course we would take matters into our hands. The producers of Voltron also worked on Legend of Korra, which we know ends with a bisexual girl/girl couple, so I think there’s an expectation that Voltron will do the same thing. Shiro and Keith obviously have a very intimate relationship. Lots of shoulder touching. There’s a million reasons from shipping to seeing ourselves in these characters that make us headcanon them as different sexualities. Tumblr in particular has always been attractive as an LGBT+ space so that’s why such headcanons are prevalent there.

How did you first hear about the #LanceIsBi movement? What about the whole #LanceIsBi thing appeals to you?

Alrighty, here’s the thing about the #LanceIsBi movement that super bothers me as a bisexual.

It’s not really about the headcanon. People are allowed to headcanon whatever they please, for whatever reason. That I have no problem with.

The #LanceIsBi movement came about because Jeremy Shada said that Lance’s milkshakes brings everybody to the yard. This is nothing against Shada, I assume he was just joking about how handsome Lance actually is – which he is! Lance is a really pretty guy, he has a better skincare routine than I do. So of course, it’s not a stretch to say that other people than just the ladies are attracted to him, that’s just how good-looking he is. But to take that as confirmation that someone is bisexual… that’s not how bisexuality works. It’s not about who’s attracted to you. It’s about YOU being attracted to two or more genders and how YOU deal with that. And what we seen in canon is that Lance is very much only attracted to women. As of right now, there is no bisexual story there.

It just really takes away from what real bisexual representation is, like I mentioned earlier, being about Lance’s personal issues as he comes to terms with this identity of his. Or even just him saying “Hey, I’m bisexual” or “I also like dudes, but here’s why I’m not as confident around them.” It doesn’t really have to be that deep, you know, I don’t need him to rehearse a whole documentary on bisexuality in order for it to be good representation. It makes it about HIM. About his character growth. HIS story. That’s what matters.

One issue with bisexuals (and I assume it’s not so different with pansexuals and aroaces from what I’ve seen) is that it feels like our identities have to be determined by OTHER people. Are we queer enough? Are we oppressed enough? Are we not with a different gender partner? Our own voices are never enough and it’s exhausting. Lance being confirmed bisexual is because of a joke by his voice actor. The colors of the scenery behind him. Because of multiple genders being attracted to him instead of the other way around. But it’s not his own character that confirms his identity. That bothers me. It infuriates me.

Added to that, fandom tends to blow things way out of proportion. They queerbait themselves a lot because they twist things around because they want their headcanons (specifically their ships) to be canon that bad. I’ve seen people new to fandom say they got into the show because they heard about this bisexual guy being awesome is a cast member only to find out that there’s this guy being awesome who is explicitly not bisexual at all. It’s awful seeing that kind of disappointment. Had I not been in Legendary Defender fandom since day 1, I probably would have fallen for that trap, too. I love this show so, so much and fandom makes it look like the crew is delivering something that isn’t there at all, and they’re even taking the heat for it. Lance is being held up as a bisexual icon next to actual, canon bisexual characters from other fandoms and that’s just… not right. Because once again, it’s not about his character, it’s only about what fandom wants. And non-fans come into this show with these expectations of seeing something that isn’t there.

And if Lance were bi, and if he still ended up with a female character, I know for a fact fandom would not be accepting of that. A lot of people would be, for sure, and it would be great to have that kind of support, but there’s a lot of people out there who won’t and then the whole “bi-het” debate starts up again. And it’s a debate that affects a lot of bisexuals in real life.

This whole movement, taking a joke as canon confirmation of Lance being bisexual, just feels like fandom actually doesn’t care about bisexual issues and representation. They only like it because they feel canonly validated shipping Lance with another male character because there’s this really weird attitude in fandom right now that all your headcanons must be canon in order to be valid. It’s very transparent, and very upsetting. It makes light of bisexuality, turns it into a shipping tool, and completely forgets what fandom is all about in the first place.

First off I just wanted to thank you for being so open and honest with all of this. These are fantastic observations on the whole thing and you really nailed a lot of things I was interested in asking about. Do you think fans would be better off seeking out shows/other pieces of media that feature canonical bisexual characters? Or do you feel as though people want that in their favorite shows regardless? Or to put that question another way, there are other shows out there with confirmed LGBTQIA (and anyone else I missed, nonbinary etc.) characters. Why focus on a character that, so far, can only be headcanoned as bi? Is it just fans REALLY wanting an LGBTQIA character in their favorite show? Why put so much expectations on this one specific show when, admittingly, all of TV has lot of work to do when it comes to representation?

When it comes to for the specific demand that Lance be bisexual, it boils down to a ship war. I’m sure you already know, our fandom is pretty notorious now with our ship wars and how far certain shippers will go to have their ship be canon confirmed. It’s pretty messy, and there are a few factors at play here.

Like I said earlier, a lot of fandom really doesn’t care about actual bisexual representation. Those of us who ship Lance with someone else such as Shiro or Allura, we can get some pretty heated comments. So when things pop up like #LanceIsBi, it’s a little transparent. I remember before S2 came out, fandom lost its mind when an interview said that Keith and Allura were gonna have moments together (whether platonic or romantic, it wasn’t clear at the time and could be interpreted either way). A lot of Gay Pride Keith edits came out and the whole thing was pretty ugly and, dare I say, misogynistic in tone because how dare Keith have a meaningful relationship with a woman even if that relationship is not romantic. And when a lot of Kallura shippers were like “well, we think Keith is bi or pan” (asexual Keith headcanons are also pretty popular with Keith fans), we’re immediately fired back with how that doesn’t matter, we’re just using bi/pansexuality as a copout, we’re actually homophobic, etc.

So when one character is heavily headcanoned to be bisexual but other characters are not allowed to have that same headcanon, it’s pretty telling. And I think it has to do with stereotypes. Lance is flirty and flamboyant and extroverted, maybe a bit promiscuous, so of course he must be bisexual. Keith is the stereotypical emo gay, skinny with some muscle, tight pants, weird hair. And once these headcanons are popularized, the rest of fandom is bombarded with them with no room for argument. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone admit to headcanoning Lance as something other than bi, and anyone who says they don’t headcanon Keith as gay (I am one of them) is met with hostility.

It’s not something I’ve ever seen in fandom before, at least not to this extent and I’ve been involved in online fandom for the past fifteen or so years now. Sure, there’s always been ship wars, there’s always been people being nasty to each other over fictional characters, but it feels different these days. It’s a different type of fandom wank. There’s a different attitude here.

I’m wondering if it has to do with the line between creator and consumer thinning so much now thanks to social media and cons becoming so frequent and mainstream. Fifteen years ago, there was no way we would ever dream of being in contact with showrunners, crew, and voice actors on our favorite shows. We never even sought out such contact, not unless you were really gutsy. And cons were very few and far between, so the only way you could interact with any of these people is if you had enough money and could travel to them. Now with things like Twitter especially, you can just tweet your questions and tag creators in your work, and chances are good that you will actually be seen and acknowledged.

And with this exposure, this really thinned line, I think a lot of fandom fully believes that they can actually influence a show. It’s been done in other shows, or at least enough that the creators give this illusion that fandom influences a show. So they think it’s the same with Voltron, but it’s not. Voltron is not a TV show, it’s a Netflix series meant to be binged in one sitting. But fandom has this belief that if they push and push and push enough, then all their fanon dreams will become canon. And they push back on the rest of us who don’t really go with the flow because they feel threatened.

Sheith, followed closely by Kallura, is the biggest threat to Klance, like I’m just gonna be brutally honest here with the whole ship war thing, we all know what it’s about. Like I said, fandom pushes for a bisexual male character, completely ignoring two things: 1) Lance explicitly flirts with women and ONLY women in canon and 2) Shiro and Keith are very intimate and touchy for a pair of guys (lol I’ve known a lot of guys and they don’t shoulder touch to this extent like Keith and Shiro are so TOUCHY). You would think fandom, determined to have mlm representation, would be all over Sheith because they are already established to have a personal, intimate connection that definitely goes beyond just a pair of dudes being bros. Instead we get all this age discourse, accusations of pedophilia and abusive power imbalances, etc.

And on the other side of this, Keith can’t be bi/pansexual because that makes him still available for Allura. Kallura is a threat because they’ve been the ship of Voltron since the beginning. They were heavily teased in DotU, they get together in the sequel comics and every reboot so far (except for Legendary Defender at the moment). By insisting Keith is gay, then he won’t want to be with Allura. There’s even this headcanon popular in this circle that Allura is a lesbian, yet I’ve seen very little femslash content in this fandom, and none of it reaches the popularity of the mlm ships.

So it’s pretty clear from the two issues that bisexual representation isn’t really something a good chunk and the loudest part of fandom really cares about. This section of fandom only accepts bisexuality when it’s convenient for their favorite ship.

And they insist that the rest of fandom kowtows to these headcanons because I guess there’s this belief that if they get all of fandom to unite for a headcanon, then the showrunners will have no choice but make the show reflect what’s popular. Even though that’s not how fandom or media works at all.

I think it’s a generational thing. A lot of these fans tend to be younger, for some this may even be their first big fandom, and there’s this weird belief among them that they’re only allowed to ship things in hopes it’ll be canon and their headcanons must be 100% backed by canon, so they tend to read too deep into every little joke and offhand comment and fanwork responses made by cast and crew. Maybe because they’re new to this, but these kinds of fans just don’t seem to understand the transformative nature of fandom. That while we do everything out of love for the source material, the stories and art and other content we make doesn’t necessarily have to have a 1:1 reflection of canon.

That's all fantastic insight, especially on the generational gap between certain members of the fandom. Yeah, your comments about the hate for the Allura/Keith ship just reminds me how weird I always found that since in all incarnations of Voltron they've been pretty much the ONLY canon ship of the main characters.

This is all fantastic, I wish I could use it all but as it is with articles I know I'll have to really cut it down. But still, it's all super helpful. Legit.

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Callout post for Rhiannon / tumblr user irl-harleyquinn / not-yandere-kuudere / otaku-umaru-chan

I have been planning doing this callout for a long time but I haven’t since it’s mostly personal beef between me, my boyfriend and aer. Now I’m at that point I can’t let this pass and I want aer to take responsibility of aer actions. I’m very sorry for this being so long. I’m going to make another post if I recall more.

tw for: abuse, suicide, stalking, pedophilia, incest

EDIT 12/8/2017: This post has been updated, ae has deleted some of the posts mentioned, but theres more evidence on their abusive behavior now.

Summarized version: Rhiannon has been abusing both me and my boyfriend since we met aer. Ae has sexually harassed both of us, sexually abused my boyfriend (the other callout on my byf), been generally unapologetic, copied my whole personality and done lots of bad things in general. For me ae caused episodes regularly; one time ae even ignored when I was this close to killing myself, ignored my triggers, ignored my well being in general, started copying my interests etc. 

All in all ae is very abusive and this callout post is mainly made for aer to realize what ae has done wrong and try to change aer behavior in aer future relationships since straight-up telling aer doesn’t seem to help as proven by both my boyfriend’s and my experiences.

EDIT: Ae didn’t admit to any of these and lied about being sorry:

But then on my IMs (censored my irl name for obvious reasons):

NOTE: I have never done a callout post before so I dont know how to structure this well. I also don’t have lots of ‘proof’ or screenshots since I deleted our convos (most of the stuff happened on Skype) and blocked aer everywhere after breaking my ties with aer because at the time I thought ae would learn from aer mistakes, but I was wrong. Most of these are from aer blog or from what I could recover from my old blog.

1. Causing breakdowns on me, not taking me seriously, triggering me

Since I started talking with aer I got this ugly feeling inside my chest to which I probably should have listened. Ae was very clingy toward my boyfriend, ignoring that I had abandonment issues; I am diagnosed with both BPD and DPD and ae knew this. Despite this ae didn’t honestly think about my feelings at all. Below is one example of the gross things ae did to my boyfriend (which caused me to dissociate and have a panic attack) and didn’t change aer behavior even after this.

EDIT 12/8/2017: It has been revealed to me that ae used to sexually abuse my boyfriend which makes this all a lot of worse. Please check the details from my main blogs byf or on his blog.

Rhiannon also ignored me and changed subject when i was clearly in need of help or someone to vent to. This is me talking about my abusive childhood:

And this is me talking about my abusive mom in a middle of episode:

I honestly felt like ae might have been jealous about me because ae obsessed over my boyfriend so much. Me telling about my age regressing and young mental age and aer response is this:

A convo I don’t have screenshots of was me nearly killing myself and ae treated me the same as in previous convos. Ae was the only person online that late so ofc thinking ae was my friend I contacted aer. A mistake. This honestly scarred me a lot because there was a really big chance I had died that night and ae wasn’t helping me at all.

Rhiannon also talked a lot about aer sexual abuse which is kind of a triggering subject to me because of my own experiences. Ae knew this but constantly brought it up. Sometimes ae would talk sexually about my IDs which also made me have break downs. One time ae sent me a picture of aer nsfw art knowing it would make me uncomfortable. According to my boyfriend ae talked a lot about sex to him even though it made him uncomfortable.

Ae also was weirdly coming onto me even though ae knew at the time I identified as aromantic (censored my irl name again):

No Rhiannon it’s called being uncomfortable.

2. Obsessive behavior, stalking, copying, being abusive and manipulation in general, lying

Rhiannon bases all aer abusive behavior to “being mentally ill”. This is complete bullshit since ae does realize ae is being manipulative.

As mentioned before ae was really obsessed with both of us; but mainly with my boyfriend. Ae never stopped talking about my boyfriend when ae talked to me which made me frankly annoyed and triggered my abandonment issues. According to my boyfriend ae spammed him 24/7 and wanted to video chat every single day. Ae got upset if my boyfriend didn’t want to hang out with aer and during group chats commented on every single thing my boyfriend said. Ae spammed me too and after we broke our ties apparently still talked about me a lot as if we still were friends to my boyfriend which I honestly find creepy.

Aes obsessiveness sometimes got very creepy:

Even admits it:

I live in Finland and ae brought up moving here for a few times all over from America after my boyfriend which always turned alarms on inside my head. Here’s one of them and ae is making it seem like ae is half joking; ae isn’t since ae brought it up so many times (censored out my boyfriend irl name just in case):

Ae clearly didn’t notice my discomfort with this or rather didn’t want to notice. Ae also made fun of my grammar even though English isn’t my first language. My boyfriend told me later that ae was in fact a bit racist; ie. making remarks on my boyfriends ethnicity.

Rhiannon has/had?? a fp who ae was even more obsessed about and made a text post (which ae deleted after awhile) where ae wished that this person would break up so ae could be with them. This has also been confirmed by my boyfriend. Ae also admits falling in love yet another friend of aers:

Ae does stalk others too. After cutting with aer, my boyfriend blocked aer on text, facebook, twitter, tumblr, snapchat, skype and youtube, but ae still managed to reach him via pinterest with a long and hateful message.

Rhiannon admits stalking aer ex:

A really minor thing but Rhiannon used to copy my interests a lot. If I were interested in something ae was too overnight. This wouldn’t bother me as much if I didn’t have identity issues such as BPD and DID. My boyfriend noted ae did this to him too.

EDIT 12/8/2017: This wasn’t as minor as I thought it was. As I browsed through my old tumblr convo with ae I noticed that every time I told something about myself, ae seemed to become the same over night. Ae was stealing bits and pieces of my identity. I told ae about my mental health problems, ae had the same ones suddenly. I told about the fashion trend I was into, ae was suddenly into it too. I told about being an age regressor, ae was suddenly too. I id:d as bigender, ae suddenly did too! I told about being aroace at the time, ae became one as well!! My boyfriend noted that at some point suddenly aer blog was pink as was mine and reblogged and posted similar content as I did at the time even though ae had always been stating ae is goth and had dark blog before. Here is about me telling ae about how me and my alter like fairy kei:

Then later:

Ae didn’t bother even use the right terms.

Rhiannon also guilt trips a lot and threatens people with suicide. This is debatable if it’s serious or not, but every time things won’t go aer way, ae will make text posts guilt tripping how ae wants to die and how everyone abandons aer which was one of the reasons I forgave ae tons of times. 

Ae also lies regularly. one example is when ae told my boyfriend aer IQ, then later admitted to lying about the number. Then again ae said ae was "lying about lying" about aer IQ.  So ae is not a credible source and will likely manipulate the situation as ae sees fit.

3. Guilt tripping both of us while breaking our ties with ae

After I finally broke my ties with aer after withstanding aer behavior for almost a year, ae started guilt tripping me telling I shattered aer sense of self even though only thing I did was stopping being aer friend. I had constantly stated how ae could change aer behavior but ae never listened. 

My boyfriend however got it worse. After he got fed up with aer too ae has constantly, I MEAN CONSTANTLY, been vagueing and name dropping him. My boyfriend hinted and tried to set boundaries but this didn’t help. Rhiannon is trying to paint my boyfriend as this awful backstabber even though ae was the one breaking boundaries. 

Here is

A Few

Of them

WARNING!! They get really creepy, just showing how obsessed ae was with my boyfriend

Additional stuff:

Rhiannon has reblogged incest: (the characters are sisters in canon) 

Rhiannon also approves a pedophilic ship:

AE REBLOGGED LITERALLY SEXUALIZATION OF A MINOR (note that ae is an adult too)

Theres a lot more in aer yoi + aer kin tag.

Ae also obsesses over an underaged character:

Ae talked a lot about this character, sexual stuff too, and it kinda freaked me out since she’s only 14.

Ae did stuff like this without our knowledge which is fucked up (note that my mom is a single parent and this freaked me out even though my responses seem calm):

Admits wanting to commit a crime????

The most recent thing ae has done is claim calling aer out on being manipulative is ableist. However, it is ableist to blame mental health for abusive behavior; this claim demonizes mentally ill people as a whole. (I edited out our names again; I’m black and my boyfriend is blue) 

 Not 24 hours before stating the above, ae wrote this:

   Ae is showing clear hypocrisy here.

Rhiannon, please listen. All you can do now is apologize, try to change your behavior, dont make excuses blaming abusive behavior on you mental illnes. Just write an apology and then we can move on. You can’t get us back, but you still have hope for becoming a better person for your future friends. I will keep this callout up until you make a proper apology.

EDIT 12/8/2017: Since Rhiannon didn’t make an actual apology to me or my boyfriend and with the new information of ae sexually abusing my boyfriend, this post will forever be here.