#the really nice thing about my internship is that its just me there when i go and the prof im with doesnt insist on small talk or anything

[i-miss-lotor]

Little bit of a vent cause I can't sleep cause of anxiety and worry

[silencesscreams]

high infidelity

peter parker x f!reader

you know there’s many different ways that you can kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough.

warnings: college!, cheating?, toxic relationships, drinking, kissing, making out, SMUT, dirty talk, a bit of degradation, teeny tiny bit of angst, choking, oral ( f. receiving), no use of protection (please be careful and use protection irl), nicknames like princess or baby, cuddles, aftercare??

an: this happens after the whole nwh incident, so they are both 18+ AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE COLLEGE! + PETER

it was 6 in the morning, you were brushing your teeth as your phone started to ring.

‘chris <3’ was written on the screen, along with a picture of him sticking his tongue out, that goddamn photo, it mocked you. you eyed your phone for a while before picking up, you had a fight last night, you didn’t remember the reason though. probably something you said, you hadn’t been seeing him in person for a few days now, you had been spending the winter break at your grandmothers. going back to uni on that same day you fought. chris studied there too, but he was on another level. he had come from dozens of private schools, uniforms and everything else in the deal, his acceptance was guaranteed on his last name. maybe it all was just a game for him.

“hey, did i wake you up?” he questioned, once you put the phone on speaker.

“hi chris. you didn’t, is everything alright?”

“yeah, just wanted to check in. you haven’t texted me since that talk we had” it wasn’t a talk. it was him screaming on the phone with you, like you had killed his entire family and burnt down his house, when you had just told him you felt sorry about not getting accepted on the internship at the stark industries, and talking about how peter parker, a guy in your hall that had gotten accepted when he was in high school.

“yeah… sorry about what i said, i know how you feel about me being friends with guys and all. and we never even really talked babe, he was just my biochemistry partner last semester.” you apologized, not wanting to discuss this at the time, maybe you’d just let it go. it was no use anyways. the relationship had been falling apart for a while now.

“it alright. just don’t do it again. ‘gonna get breakfast at the diner with lucas and the boys, so ill talk to you later, alright? text you when i get there.”

“sure” you replied as he hung up. maybe you should break up, just rip the band aid off, you know? it was clear that it would happen sooner or later. it was stupid to keep it like that, all the fighting was just idiotic.

when you got to the chemistry lecture, you got to your usual seat, middle row third seat. you spent a few minutes biting the inside of your cheeks while checking your phone from minute to minute. you hated when he did that. you couldn’t quite find a way to finish your relationship and not end up being crucified, you felt in high school again. all the parties, homework, relationship issues. you could feel so impotent around him, like everything you say is wrong and he’ll always know better than you because he went to ivy-

“hey, y/n, right?” you heard a male voice say, turning around to face yourself with peter parker.

“y-yeah. peter?” you replied, looking at him smiling.

“that’s me. is this seat taken? its always nice to be around a familiar face so…” he asked, pointing to the seat on your left, that was occupied by your backpack.

“oh, right, no its not taken!” you answer quickly removing your things from the chair so he can sit down, trying to be as nice as possible. he quickly sat down, eyeing you in awkwardness.

“hear you applied for the stark memorial thing, that’s nice of you!” he smiles, taking out his notebook. “sorry, uhm, i forgot my pencil… so could you maybe…?”

“oh sure! absolutely!” you had gotten lost in your own sea of thoughts smiling at him. ever since you’ve met peter you’ve felt something about him. maybe now your relationship is almost over you could maybe have a shot, you don’t know at what, but you could.

mid presentation, peter slips you a note. something he was afraid to say, but felt the urge.

‘wanna go to a party next week?’

you look at him, right next to you with an intrigued smile.

‘where?’

you write, and quickly give it back to him.

‘john’s, first floor of your dorms building. it’ll be around nine, i can bring you as an extra if you’d like.’ when he gives it back, you immediately feel bad, having to turn him down like this.

‘sorry peter, just remembered i’m going out with my boyfriend that night. its our anniversary, so sorry. would love to go, though!’ you give the note back with an empathetic smile. you can see that he feels a bit embarrassed, you hate it.

for the rest of the lecture he’s absolutely quiet, you can feel him eyeing you, some sort of feeling you couldn’t quite decipher.

as the teacher started to close up, he gave you a piece of paper.

“my number, if you ever need it. feel free to text.” he smiles at you, picking up his bag and leaving. maybe you should text, just maybe.

it was around half past eight when you realized something, your boyfriend wasn’t coming. in fact, he stood you up.

‘fuck you chris. this is it.’

well, you needed to text him something, maybe it was the heat of the moment, or just an impulsive thing. you only realized what you were doing when peter picked up.

“hello?” he said over the phone.

“hi peter, its y/n, is that invite still up?” in the past week, the two of you had been talking a lot, mostly texting. you met up in a starbucks twice to work on homework, but that was mostly it. sure, you’d developed a small crush, but you still had a boyfriend. but maybe that wasn’t the situation anymore.

“y-yeah, can i pick you up? is everything alright?”

“sure. ill be ready in five, see you soon.” you hang up, deciding it is go time, no matter what was going to happen after, this was your shot at it. maybe you could have some fun. he was always fun.

a few minutes later, you were locking you door as he waited for you to go with him.

“hope you didn’t have to cancel with anyone for this, sorry for the mast minute call.” you apologize, putting your keys in your purse.

“oh its fine dont worry, i wasn’t planning on bringin anyone else.” he smiled at you, while walking. you could tell he’d sprayed on some perfume and that his hair was still damp, you found it sweet he put effort in to getting ready for the night out. “what happened to your date with chris?” he questioned, almost puking the words out, he seemed nervous about it.

“oh, hm, i guess i got stood up. sorry, that makes you seem like a second option, but i truly wanted to go so i remembered and i dont want you to-“

“its alright, y/n. i get it, hes an asshole for standing you up like that.” he interrupted your blabbering.

“yeah, i guess he is.”

“what do you want? on me, please!” he says loudly, ao you could hear him through the music, he took a sip out of his beer, staring at you.

“just a shot! i hate the taste of beer, no offense though!”

“nome taken, sweetie.” he looks over your shoulder, and you can see a frown forming on his face. “you wanna go somewhere else? i dont feel like this’ll go well.” he says, his voice a bit lower now.

“what do you mean?” you say, so you turn around and you see him. chris. casually smoking, with a girl by his side and his free hand on her thigh. “seriously? fuck him.” you mutter, looking over at peter.

“no, its fine, dont worry about me.” you smile, the shots are delivered and you quickly take one. the taste of vodka and a bit of lemon going down your throat, burning hot. you can see through glances they have started to make out, he probably didnt notice you yet, so he’d come up with some excuse later.

but peter needed to make sure he did.

“hey, wanna go dance? fuck chris, lets have some fun, alright?” he said, taking you by the hand to the dance floor, with a dozen bodies moving to some song you didnt quite recognize. his breath hitched over your neck as you moved with him, your arms over his neck and your hips swaying to the beat. if you ever had a doubt he was into you, that was quickly offset by the way his eyes roamed your body. focused on every inch of you. god, he loved that dress.

“your boyfriends staring…” he whispered into your ear, nipping at it.

“oh, im sure hes not my boyfriend anymore. besides, we should put on a show for him, shouldn’t we?” you smile at him, turning around and starting to grind against him. you could hear him whisper curses, and you knew you both were in for one hell of a night. you could feel him grow through your dress, eager for more, but tonight, you were having the urge to tease him (more than you already were).

you never did that to piss off chris, you did it because you wanted peter. because peter parker was just perfect for you. maybe that was how you knew this wouldn’t ever be a one time thing. as the music was fading to its end, you turned to him, looking him in the eye.

for a moment there, you got lost in him. you forgot what you were about to say. his eyes had a bit of green in them, you had never realized that, maybe because you should’ve let yourself get lost in him before.

“y/n” he calls, pulling you from your thoughts.

“yeah?” and then you realize. he was staring back, and he was close. god, was he close.

“what the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” you are both quickly interrupted by chris, trying to push peter away from you, but he was faster, dodging him.

“id ask you the same, christian. you bailed on me, what’d you want me to do, huh? stay at the restaurant? waiting patiently for you to finish fucking some other girl, and eating appetizers? because that’s the ideal night! we’re over and you know it, leave me alone.”

“and so you cheat on me with this dick because i bailed on you once? really? fuck you y/n!” he says, screaming at you, his voice was louder than the music.

“i’m cheating on you?! I cheated on YOU? chris, for the past four months you’ve ditched 15 dates, a total of 5 dinners, two breakfast occasions and 8 lunches in the dining hall, honestly, where were you? why couldn’t you just send a fucking text? what? were you just too busy in bed with some other girl? because you sure as hell are missing tons of classes, there’s gotta be an answer right? fuck you chris. just leave me alone.” you scream back, if this was the last time he screamed at you, you sure as hell wouldn’t take it all in. he makes his usual, but more extreme, i want you to die face and walks away, slamming on to you purposefully as he walks.

in a matter of seconds you see peter punching chris, and you’re instantly shocked because you never saw peter as a guy who fights, and you were two times more shocked once you se chris falling to the ground.

god, was peter hot in that moment. he ran his hand through his hair.

“come on, lets get out of here.” he says, his eyes a bit darker now. and you were in, you were in for all of it.

“sorry, i know punching exes is more of a 5th date kind of thing.” he says, hissing as you put his dominant hand in a bucket of ice.

“i’m okay with it.” you said, leaning against the cold tiles of peter’s bathroom wall. after the ‘fight’ you needed to take care of him, and so you decided to kill two birds with one stone, going back to his place.

“just to clarify, i don’t usually get in to fights. ever. but i don’t know, him slamming in to you like that? god, y/n, he’s such an asshole.” peter said looking at the door to his room, seeing it quickly open and close, it was his roommate.

“can i talk to him for like 5 minutes tops?” he asks, his brows furrowed. you nod, smiling at him.

he leaves the bathroom, closing the door after him. you could hear him whisper to his friend.

“please, steven just leave for a few hours just do me a favor, man!”

“who do you have here? please don’t tell me its chris’s girl because he’ll kick your ass” there was a pause. “you are so dead.”

“they broke up, please let me try please!”

“i’ll sleep at carson’s, but i swear to god, if it goes bad for you i’m not covering for your ass.”

“fair enough! thank you thank you thank you!” you giggle at his excitement, so you hike your dress up, and continue sat on the bathroom floor, making sure he could see a glimpse of your underwear once he walked in.

peter was sweet and perfect for you, but you never imagined yourself in that situation, and to be fully honest, you were loving it.

when he walks in to the bathroom again, you try your hardest to not blush because damn it, all he said was “hi” and you’re 3 seconds away from taking off all of your clothes and kissing him.

he sits next to you, eyeing your thighs. he wonders if you were dressed up like that once you called him, or if you had changed to see him. he surely hoped that dress was for him, because he was so jealous of chris in that moment. every day he was jealous of chris, not because he felt inferior, because chris could see you like that. because chris could hear you moan his name. peter never wanted someone so bad in his entire life.

“it was just steven, you remember him right? from biochem?” you nod, staring at him for a while now.

“do you, uhm, need any more ice?” you ask, looking at his red knuckles, trying to focus on something else (which obviously doesn’t work).

“why’d you call me?” he asks abruptly.

“what?”

“why did you call me ?”

“because i could trust you, i guess, i don’t know.” you answer, feeling a bit ashamed.

“why’d you leave him? i mean, after all this time? you knew about all his bullshit didn’t you?”

“peter, once you just appeared back into my life i took it as a sign, i mean, staying with him was killing me. you know him, right? you went to school with him”

“yeah i did, but it just doesn’t make sense to me, what are we? i’m not just someone you can call when your boyfriend’s not around, i’m sorry to be rude but i’m not that guy, y/n, and if that’s what you’re looking for, i don’t want it.” “peter. i want you okay? you’re the only person i want, the only person i’ve wanted for a while now. he never loved me enough, hell, he never loved me. i don’t want him, i want you. please, just believe me in me, please.” you say quickly, trying to get all your feelings out, though they could never be translated to words, he stares at you, wondering what to do next. and so he kisses you.

it starts off as a soft thing, a delicate and sweet kiss. you part your lips, waiting for him to reciprocate. and so it turns into a passionate and messy kiss, your tongues intertwining and you could taste him, you could taste his minty breath. you could taste peter fucking parker. and with that, you don’t waste any time.

your hands drift off to his hair, tugging on it, kissing him desperately. you feel his hands roaming your waist, he starts kissing your neck, nipping at it, whispering onto your skin.

“you have no idea for how long i’ve wanted you, fuck…” he whispers, helping you up and bringing you towards his bed, hands on your ass and not stopping his kisses on your neck, he sits you on bed, his knee aiming towards the inside of your thighs, he takes his shirt off and his jeans had already fell to the carpet, you couldn’t help but smile, he was so pretty.

“i saw what you did there, don’t think i didn’t notice.” he says, referring to the was you looked in the bathroom.

“i have no idea what you’re talking about” you whisper through a moan, as he starts kissing your chest, pulling your dress down and unclipping your bra.

“don’t lie to me, you know better then that…” he says, looking at you with those eyes, he quickly starts sucking onto your left nipple.

while he works on your tits with his mouth, his right hand is headed towards your lace panties, only playing with the hem of it.

“that alright, princess?” you nod a yes in answer. “i wanna hear you say it.” “fuck, yes, its great, peter… please.” you answer in the midst of moans.

“good. do you like this? did you get what you wanted, huh?” he asks, kissing your thighs, everywhere but not where you most needed him, he was teasing you.

“y-yeah, i wanted you so bad, please.” you say, hands trailing off to his hair again, you could feel your panties getting wetter by the second, and he knew that too.

he takes them off slowly, teasing you more and more.

“so wet, all for me, baby?” peter asks, kissing the inside of your thighs, making sure to leave marks.

“ yes, pete, all for you, please…” you nod, desperately, needing him more and more.

“what’d you want, huh? tell me, y/n.” he asks, looking at you with doe eyes, spreading your legs for him to see more. he was loving to see you like this, he needed it again and again every day and it was only just beginning.

“i… i need you to touch me, please, taste me, please” you ask, feeling your face getting hotter, his hands roaming your waist, you can feel your stomach sink with need.

“that was all you needed to say, smart girl” he answers, licking a broad stripe from top to bottom, he tasted all he could. “you’re so pretty honey, so fucking pretty"

peter inserts a finger in, causing you to moan, you could feel his grin over your clit. sucking on to your bud, you couldn’t believe you’d spent all this time without this side of him. as he stretches you out, inserting another finger, you feel as if you touched heaven and came back. you had never felt this way, with anyone. it was him.

“fuck!” you moan as he brings a third finger into the equation, his mouth and hands working together, just for you.

“peter i’m so close please” and just with that, he stops, leaving you empty and eager for more. and just like that he’s on top of you again, kissing you eagerly, making you get a taste of yourself. his dominant hand on your neck, squeezing it softly, just enough.

“you’re so fucking hot” he whispers against your lips, you can feel his grin on your skin as he kisses your neck again, nipping and leaving marks all over. your pussy aching for him, you needed him inside you so so so bad.

“peter” you whisper, trying to get his attention, though he seems very entertained by your neck and how mane hickeys he could leave.

“yeah?” he immediately stops, looking at you, his brows furrowed.

“i need you inside me. i need your dick.” you say, getting more red, his lips swollen and pink, he looks beautiful. his hair messy, you wanted him so bad.

“yeah? you need my dick?” he asks, teasing you, a smirk forming itself on his face.

“please, peter. i need you so much” you say, nodding with your words. he looks at you with his eyes shiny. he takes himself out of his underwear, you’d already seen his bulge but you still were surprised. he starts aligning himself to your hole, tapping his tip on your clit, teasing you.

“so pretty like this, all for me” he says, slowly pushing in, “fuck…” he sighs, you moan trying to adjust to his size. he feels like heaven inside you. he starts thrusting lightly into you.

“harder… please i need you so bad, please, peter.” you say, looking at him over you with doe eyes, a smirk forms on his face, hearing you say those words.

“thats all you needed to say, princess.” he says, slamming into you quickly. You moan out unrecognizable words, a mix of “fuck” with “ohmygod” and “peter”. he was so fucking good, slamming into you, whispering curses, using his free hand to stimulate your clit. you were almost there, reaching your high, as you started to clench around him.

“no, don’t. not yet.” he says firmly, still pounding into you.

“please…” you ask, looking at him with those doe eyes again.

“no.” he answers again. “i want to cum with you.” he slams into you again, harder this time. picking up his pace, when suddenly his right hand is on your neck, squeezing it slightly.

“this okay?” he asks, you nod a yes. he’s pounding into you, you’re loving it. he has the power over you and you have to admit, you’re more turned on now than you ever were in your relationship with chris. you weren’t going to be able to hold back any longer, scratching his back with your nails, leaving marks all over.

“please, peter, i need to cum so bad please!” you beg, he looks at you with green eyes, brows furrowed.

"please princess, please cum for me." he says, his thumb not stopping at your clit, as you’re moving your hip with his. it takes no more than a few seconds until you're reaching your peak and moaning loudly. it's different from anything you've ever felt and you're trembling, moaning into peter's shoulder and leaving little crescent marks on his back from your nails. you could feel him twitch as you clench around him, his cum leaking inside you, carrying you through your high.

“fuck, so good all for me. my little slut.” he whispers while grunting and squeezing your neck more and mora tightly. your mouth forming an ‘O’ shape. God, was he good.

as soon as he finished, he dropped over you, his sweaty body coverings yours. you feel incredibly empty when he pulls out and lays beside you.

“you were so good.” he says, getting himself together and snuggling himself beside you. “i’ll clean you up in a bit, can we just stay like this a little?”

“sure.” you say, smiling, knowing it wouldn’t be a one time thing.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not outing myself at my internship?

(some quoted things are paraphrased because my native language isnt english and i had to translate the things im quoting first.)

I (20+, trans nb) recently got a four week internship at a local radio station. I dont take any HRT yet and dont own a binder, so while i do try to dress in a way that feels comfortable to me, i dont really consider myself to be passing. So I applied to the internship as my deadname (which is also still my legal name) and introduced myself as a girl and with that name too. I was going in with the mindset that its kinda my own personal thing to consider, and since its only temporary and involves 'official' stuff (documents, articles being credited etc) + i never know how people would react to it/treat me, i dont necessarily have to tell everyone i meet. the internship went over kinda fast and everyone there was really nice and i had a feeling they'd also be accepting and use my right pronouns and name if i told them, but at that part i didnt have much time left and didnt want them to suddenly treat me differently and make a big thing out of it.

During the last few days of the internship, i got sick and couldn't go to work, which in itself was fine. But what happened was that my grandpa, who sometimes does volunteering at the same radio station, had an appointment to record something on one of the days i was sick and thought it'd be nice to surprise visit me. I, being sick and at home, obviously wasn't there but when he tried to find me he called out my new name and not my deadname, and when they got confused and asked him who he meant he apparently kind of laughed at them for not knowing that that name is me.

The next day, when i called in again to tell them I'd have to stay home for the next two days (till weekend) too, i immediately got asked why he was calling me [new name] instead of [deadname]. I got kinda uncomfortable since its like, either forcing me to lie or to out myself. I ended up telling them the truth, that im actually trans and prefer that name and that my family & friends use it for me, but that i didnt feel like outing myself at their workplace since it was only a short term official thing. The woman on the phone then went along the lines of "ah, i figured it was that already. you wouldnt have been the first trans intern we had, we would have been happy to use your new name for you. I also didn't like/appreciate your grandfather laughing at me for not knowing about it". I didnt really comment on that more than saying 'thanks' because i didnt want to have to defend me not outing myself? And we had a few other official things to discuss regarding the internship ending anyway.

A few days later i got mail from them, which had the documents i needed to prove i was an intern there (and they were nice and sent two copies, one with my deadname and she/her and one with my new name and he/him). There was another smaller piece of paper in the envelope which read "kind regards from everyone in the team. and sorry we weren't sensitive/understanding/empathetic enough for you to tell us".

And it sounds nice, but to me the message + the conversation i had where i was kind of forced to out myself earlier reads kind of passive aggressive. or as indirectly telling me i should have just outed myself and they're hurt by me not trusting them enough to tell them and making them look dumb to my grandfather for not knowing.

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[behoright]

lightning on my skin l k. dach

there's nothing I can do / I just can't resist

summary: kirby + you + a house full of family members + an empty car...

wordcount: 3.2k

song: where would I be? - gwen stefani

warnings: 18+! smut sooo minors begone! unprotected sex, dirty talk and semi public sex. whoopsies. oh also cursing.

a/n: i'm sl*t for this man but no I will never admit it in public. enjoy.

𓇽 ⊹ ᨘ ִֶ໑𓇽 ⊹ ᨘ ִֶ໑𓇽 ⊹ ᨘ ִֶ໑𓇽 ⊹ ᨘ ִֶ໑

“You’re such a dumbass, Kirbs.”

“What? He was just being annoying so, I had to do it.”

The sounds of the crickets consorted your laughs as you and Kirby sat eating in his G Wagon, recently coming back from a lovely date at the nearby park. Despite being your second year of dating, this had been the first summer you had fully spent together. Staying at the Dach household had been an interesting but nonetheless exhilarating experience; you found out just how quickly chaos could ensue when Kirby and Colton were left to their own devices under the same roof. Proving that age was just a number, from day one it was plain and simple that they naturally retreated back to their little child selves, most of their interactions ending up with a playful physical altercation of some sort.

“You can’t tell me he wasn’t being entirely too cocky, Y/N.” he said with his mouth full of fries, his eyes widening over at you.

“He is your baby brother!” you exclaimed.

“Well, he’s no longer a baby. It’s a fair fight, that’s all I’m saying.” he chuckled.

Kirby hadn’t been this excited for a summer in a long time. 

Your internship now having wrapped up, he finally had the time to steal you and your newfound free time. He knew as soon as the season ended that he was going to keep you in his hometown all for himself. 

Seeing you interact with his family made Kirby’s heart flutter; cooking with his mom or ice skating with his dad and brother after their practice. 

You had met them before, but these were novel circumstances for the both of you. 

Any nerves he might have had swiftly vanished as you both settled in, making yourself at home in the most respectful way possible. 

He was able to forget about the stress of hockey and fitting your schedules together, and just revel in the normalcy of slowly waking up with you, knowing that you had virtually no strict plans for the day. 

“You guys are insane. These are full-on fights!” you laughed.

“You should have seen them when we were younger. They were actually much worse.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Your parents told me all about that.”

You naturally clicked with everyone in his family, so much so that his grandparents came fastly to meet you as well. It astounded him how you were able to pull everyone in so genuinely, leaving his introverted soul wrapped up in admiration. 

He was proud to have you with him. You completed each other nicely and in very practical ways.

“Oh god, please don’t remind me of all the embarrassing stories they brought up.” he blushed.

“Why? You really don’t want to talk about that little bath stor-”

“No, no! I’m changing topics! I’m pulling that card out!” he exclaimed.

“Alright, alright.” you laughed, throwing your head back against the headrest. As much as he was blushing, you could see him hiding a smile underneath it all. 

However, his house perpetually rustling came with its downsides. He enjoyed it most of the time, however, he missed the privacy of your shared apartment back in Montreal. 

When he watched you walk around his family home every morning his mind couldn’t help but flash back to seeing you strut around naked, getting your coffee ready, all from the comfort of his messed up bed, underwear, and clothes scattered on the ground from the night before. 

He missed that. A lot.

It was hard to have some alone time knowing his family members were around you both constantly. 

The last thing he wanted to do is make anyone uncomfortable. Not when there were literal months left in the summer.

So, Kirby decided to get creative. 

Much to his surprise, it ended up sparking a newfound love for public affection, in more ways than one, for the both of you, which just pushed him to explore more. 

Your first date of the summer that started with a picnic at the lake, and lovingly ended with you both hiding behind some trees for a while. The feeling of getting caught rushed through you equally as you consummated your love truly in public for the first time. 

So you unconsciously kept it going for most of the summer, looking for new places every day to spend time at. 

“You know, you’re bad for making me eat this.” he snickered at you.

“Oh, c’mon, tell me you don’t miss eating this junk during the season.”

“I do, I do.” he said, wiping his hands clean. “You know what I miss more though?”

“Mmm?” you asked, piling all the trash together.

“You.”

You turned your head up to find Kirby staring at you, his signature smirk peering over at you. 

“You’re so sweet.” 

“I mean it.” Kirby took his fingers to move to your hair behind your ear, gazing over your features. “I just wish I had a little more time with you every day.”

“Hey, we still make it work pretty well, right?”

“We do.” Kirby’s fingers lingered on you, now cupping your cheek. “I’m still going to enjoy this summer. As much as I can. I’m not letting you out of my sight, baby.”

His eyes trailed down to your mouth before he closed the gap between you two. 

The kiss was smoldering, both of your intentions clear as your brought each other closer despite the console dividing you.

“Kirby…”

“Baby..?” he said, his lips grazing against yours.

“Mm… here?” you asked.

“Mmhm.” Kirby answered in between kisses. “The back windows are tinted anyways.”

You turned your face to tentatively look at your surroundings, Kirby’s hands beginning to mess up your clothes already, his fingertips at your exposed bra strap. The parking lot was mostly empty, all families in their homes as the sun began to set. 

“You sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure about anything before.” Kirby said, his eyes dumbfoundedly fixated on your cleavage. 

“About doing it here, dingbat.” you snapped him back to reality, playfully hitting his arm.

“It’s more private than the park...” he said, smirking again. “...and the lake, and the rink, and the boat, or the mal-”

“Okay, okay.” you laughed, rolling your eyes. 

“C’mon, baby.” Kirby winked as he stepped outside while you moved in giddiness to the backseat over the middle console. 

You came face to face as he quickly shut the door behind him, your hot breaths colliding as he began to crawl above you, sending your back to lay against the warm leather of the seats. 

“Hi, beautiful.” he said, a smile appearing on his face.

“You’re quite the charmer for someone who’s about to take me in the back of his car.” you uttered, eyes focused on his lips, inching closer to you.

“...take you?” he asked, millimeters away from you. “I’m not going to take you, baby. I’m going to fuck you.”

Kirby wasted no time and aggressively sent his tongue inside your mouth, his pelvis already rubbing against your jean shorts. 

The walk in the park had been nice, but it had left you both a little heated and damp, in every way imaginable.

“That’s the Kirby I know.” you moaned, his tongue now trailing behind your ear and neck. “Always so hot and heavy.”

“Hey, I can be sweet.” he uttered defensively against your skin. “You want me to make love to you?” 

His head snapped up as he asked you, his questioning and piercing eyes looking for an answer in yours.

“Fuck no. I like you hot and heavy.” you said, bringing his face back onto yours, chuckling into the kiss.

He adorably kept giggling as he planted loud and silly kisses on your chin, moving down your chest and further lowering himself down the axis of your body. 

He had a tough exterior at times, but Kirby was playful at heart, and he didn’t leave that outside of the bedroom either. You found yourselves laughing and joking during your sexual escapades quite often actually, and it fulfilled you in the most endearing of ways.

“You’re smoking hot, babe.” he uttered against your belly.

“It is pretty hot outside.” you said, sitting up on your elbows. 

“Oh, you’re funny.” he laughed, sitting up as he began to undo the button of your shorts. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“And you know I don’t know how to take compliments. Not even yours.” you lifted your hips up, Kirby ripping your bottoms off of you. 

“Well, let me tell you a different way then.” he smirked.

“Kirby Dach, you are the cheesi-.”

You were hastily interrupted, Kirby licking up your pussy vigorously before bringing your hips all the way up to latch his mouth against your heaving sex. Forthwith, the sensation took you back to the countless nights your boyfriend had spent buried in your pussy, relentlessly getting you to the point of having to pull him off of you before your legs twitched hard enough to accidentally hurt him. 

The truth was that time stopped for Kirby whenever he lowered his face in between your thighs. He loved to get his jaw wet with spit and juices; even more, he loved grinding against the mattress for hours, sending tingles up his spine every time. Knowingly playing an edging game with his body, and your own at the same time, taking you both closer to the edge with controlled and precise force.

Despite not having enough space in his beloved G-Wagon for you both to lay down, he wasn’t going to skimp out. Bringing you all the way up to him was a risky move, but he wasn’t up for much thinking when he had you so bothered underneath him like this. 

He held your body securely, his biceps flexing around your ass and hips. As his tongue lapped in circles, he couldn’t help but trail up your body with his gaze. The nature of your position allowed for your shirt to bunch up, showing the softness of your stomach that he adored so much. However, seeing your breasts up to your chin, flushed just as much as your cheeks were, your face overcome by pleasure, had him gripping your hips extra tightly.

“God, baby.” he whispered against you, covering your skin in goosebumps. “You’re going to make me bust.”

“Fuck me, Kirby.”

He dropped your hips immediately, letting it hurt as he unzipped his pants, his erection serendipitously springing onto you. 

“I love you so much, baby, that was so good, but I-, I simply can’t wait.” you pleaded.

“I love you more baby; a couple more seconds of you wriggling like that in my arms and I wouldn't have been able to wait either.” he answered, removing as much clothing as possible.

Kirby was hot and heavy in every sense of the word. And it felt so good as it slapped your pussy whenever he pulled himself free of his clothes. 

“God, take a look at that.” he growled.

He set his blue eyes on the tip of his cock, parting your folds, glistening with his saliva and precum. The sun was lowering itself beautifully on the other side of the park, its rays peeking through the trees and his seats to create shimmering windows of light on your bodies. He felt the ridges of his member dampen as he kept plunging himself back and forth on top of you. He could feel the lust of his heartbeat in every single one of his veins and quickly into yours as he slowly dipped his cock inside you with a groan. 

You were mostly sure he had never realized it, but Kirby loved to push the tip of his dick inside you first and pause, just for a handful of seconds. 

Inadvertently, filling your cunt up with his body was one of his most cherished parts of fucking. 

There was something about the overwhelming feeling that took over his entire being when he felt your walls surround him concretely, soaking himself in all the gushy desire that had been building up inside you. 

He felt as if you had been waiting for him, and he loved to feel responsible for absorbing the aching that resided inside you as he bottomed himself out. 

Continuously, Kirby never took his eyes off you when he first thrust; the first time you had sex, he had to immediately take a break, the look on your face almost sending him over the edge completely. 

The sigh. 

The way your eyes rolled back. 

And he could always hear your vocal cords contract in the back of your throat in the slightest moan, but never strong enough to let it out.

It was almost inaudible, but it was there, and it drove him mad.

He loved being the only man that got to see you like this.

And you loved being the only one that got to notice the ritualistic thinking in your boyfriend, without fail.

His legs trembled as his pelvis came flush with your legs, pushing himself all the way inside you after feeling you clench once around the ridge of his head. 

Right underneath it, squeezing around him so deliciously as a signal for more. 

As soon as he saw that lovely look on you he was quick to throw your legs on his shoulders before he began thrusting steadily inside you. 

He tried to resist himself every time, and his efforts were never futile, but you knew they never lasted long. 

The more you showed your pleasure, the more he lost it. 

Kirby liked it deep and fast, and you were never one to complain about it. 

He let his head lull forward as he anchored a rhythm in his thrusts, his eyes squeezing shut in pleasure. 

“Oh, Kirby.” you moaned. “That feels so good, baby.”

He didn’t dare to look, feeling your hips begin to tilt forward already as you arched your back in the delight of his shoving inside you.

His brain went offline completely, letting all of the muscles in his face relax entirely, preoccupied only with the movement of his cock. 

“Keep talking, baby.” he uttered, almost whispering. “You sound like a fucking angel.”

The tremble in his deep voice was crystal clear, the knuckles of his fingers turning white as he gripped onto the flesh of your thighs. 

“I thought I was going to lose it today, babe. I wanted you so fucking bad.” you moaned, the leather quietly creaking as you angled yourself closer to him again. 

Kirby’s chest began to rumble, attempting to hold his moaning back as he stayed transfixed in the physical sensation of your bodies uniting. 

You could see him begin to sweat, flushing deeper every time he pulled out of you with a low, tight-lipped groan; a droplet lovingly trickled down the long hair strands that hung in front of his face before falling on your stomach. Every time they dripped onto you, it felt like you could hear a sizzle, your skin enveloped in lust as it flinched back with every single thrust.

It was nearly lovable how much he tried to control himself, always to no avail, but you could tell today, through your half-open eyes, that it wasn’t going to last long.

The reality was that the more he focused on the physical sensation, the hotter he got. 

The more relaxed you felt his whole body, the harder he became inside you, growing against your most sensitive spots. 

Quite curiously, the slowly blinking of his eyes open happened to come at the time your head fully tilted back, a glorious arch in your figure as your eyes fluttered closed. The muscles of his belly tensed at the coiling that he felt growing inside him, the only thing that was now softening being his jaw as he opened his mouth at the reverie of the woman reaching a  climax in front of him and underneath his touch.

“Oh fuck, like that, baby?” he asked, speeding up his movements just enough to let his skin stickily slap against you. 

“M-,m-,m-.”

Unfortunately for you, speaking was never your forte as you reached your edge. 

Fortunately for Kirby, it made him so horny he involuntarily hunched over, his body spasming as he swore he could see your pupils at the back of your head underneath your fluttering eyelids. 

He took the hint to increase his pace, slowly but surely, your shoulders trembling all the way down to your hips. His rough pubic bone came in contact with you, rubbing against your clit and exquisitely sending you over the edge. 

Your system went haywire as you came, sweet moans filling up the steamy car as you shook in pleasure underneath and around him, scratching his beloved leather seats. 

Any attempt to moan his name was inefficacious, but the effort was noticed by your boyfriend who pushed your convulsing legs further down, coming close to your face.

He had officially lost it, now dedicating himself to keeping you in this state as long as possible.

Kirby was able to somehow plant his feet against some steady surfaces of his luxury car, having the fresh ability to speed up, his eyes still stuck on your delirious elation that wouldn’t concede.

“Fuck, baby, you look so fucking good like this.” he moaned.

His muscular thighs tensed as he pounded into you, your cunt now gushing liquid all around him; you could only turn your head around as you sharply inhaled, letting the glee send sparks throughout your nervous system, your body moving on its own. 

It was so much that you both failed to feel the car shake with the power of his thrusts as he recognized the familiar creeping sensation begin to move inside him, his orgasm not far behind yours.

“This is-, this is-, fuck, baby, I can’t hold back.” he groaned, letting his forehead fall next to your head, his wet hair seeping sweat into yours. 

Finally, you managed the find the strength to move your fingers to the back of his neck, holding onto his hair for dear life as you began to descend back to earth.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

Kirby came loudly as he let himself go, shooting his hot and milky seed inside you with deep thrusts; roaring, he was noisy enough to be heard outside of the vehicle, but neither of you cared as he stayed inside you, flesh to flesh, his cock still twitching and painting your insides white. 

“Oh my fucking god, Y/N.” he said with his head still down before placing a kiss on your shoulder.

“I could say the same thing to you.” you laughed, smart enough to reach slightly above you and open the passenger door only a crack. 

The evening, fresh air barged its way into the stuffy car, the fog on the windows starting to disappear slowly. The change in temperature made Kirby snap up, deeply inhaling almost unknowingly before finding you.

“Good?” you asked, Kirby’s favorite smile looking right at him.

“Better than good.” he coaxed. “You’re a dream, Y/N.”

“You’re not so bad yourself, Dach.” you chuckled, an adoring kiss planted on your forehead.

“I love you.” he whispered into your skin.

“I love you.” you answered just as lovingly.

....

“Where do you want to go tomorrow, baby?”

[offorestsongs]

heart-shaped locket

ship: oc x canon (Rook x Lysander)

summary: Lysander, anxious about their imminent separation, has an idea.

a/n: so. uh. this is something i briefly mentioned in their ship intro but i wanted to kind of expand on it so i wrote a small ficlet. enjoy, i guess

“Whatever’s the matter, mon coeur? You look uncharacteristically serious.”

Most people would have called Lysander serious, no matter the situation ― it was sweet that Rook could tell the difference between his usual lack of expression and an actual grave matter. It only made Lysander’s heart felt heavier.

“Oh― I―” Lysander was sure in his ideas when inviting Rook over, but now, seated on the old couch in the Ramshackle lounge, so close that their knees were touching, all the earlier confidence seemed to have fled his body.

He felt Rook’s hand on his cheek, warm and secure. He leaned into the familiar touch, more on instinct than anything else, but still refused to meet Rook's gaze.

“I so always want to hear what you have in mind.” Rook smiled. “So?”

Well. In that case, Lysander had no other choice. And besides, he knew well all of his doubts were unfounded. If anyone would like the idea, it was Rook.

“It's nothing bad or anything—” Lysander said, digging around in the pockets of his thick woolen cardigan. “It's just that… The summer holidays are almost here. And then you'll go on your internship afterwards and I'll stay here and…”

Finally, somewhere between a stray embroidery needle, some loose change, a button that he was meant to sew back to one of his blouses for forever and a crumpled note that Ace had passed him during class (a stickman drawing of Deuce half asleep on his desk), Lysander had fished out the exact thing that he was looking for.

“I just thought it would be nice to have something more, uh, physical to remember each other.”

On Lysander’s open, outstretched palm lay two identical heart-shaped necklaces. They were plain, silver in color, and clearly not bought first hand. Time had dulled the color, making it lose its shine. It was all Lysander could afford, yes, but truth be told, he liked the vintage, time-bitten aesthetic of it better. More romantic, he thought.

Rook had picked one of them up, already clearly delighted.

“Ah!” With a soft “click”, the heart locket popped open. “Now we can carry photographs of each other close to our chests. Marvellous! What a romantic idea, mon fleur!”

Lysander’s cheeks flushed pink. “Uh. Well. I mean. You can do that too if you want to but, uh, actually I had something different in mind.”

Suddenly, the dirty-gray fabric of the couch was the most interesting thing in the world to look at.

“Now you have me intrigued.”

Still not looking at Rook, from his other pocket Lysander took out his belowed pair of sewing scissors. They felt cold and heavy in his hand.

“I actually thought we could put there, uh, you know, our hair. I thought it would be sweet, to carry a part of you over my heart, no matter where I go. And… and to think that you're doing the same. That way, it's almost like we're not separated at all.”

Before Lysander ever had a chance to felt embarrassed by his words, Rook's lips were on his, kissing him breathless.

“Yes!” Rook said with all the enthusiasm only he could master. “Truly a beautiful idea, mon cheri! You really must share a part of my heart, to think of such things.”

Lysander smiled faintly. His heart was still beating like it was trying to escape his ribcage, but a sense of giddy happiness came over him. Of course his anxiety was all for nothing.

He put the scissors in Rook's hands. “Well then… you could cut mine and I could cut yours?”

[cartooncartoonpanic]

#004 On the brink

(CW: Medical trauma, mentions of child test subjects and amputations)

You ask Blossom if she's still a superhero, and this, at least, she seems excited to talk about.

"Well...crime's kind of slowed down in the past few years. Obviously we haven't been fighting you. Mojo got taken to a facility outside of the city I think. Him got kind of bored since we aren't as scared anymore-"

"Yeah, too bored to be a parent" You interrupt, understandably bitter that the man who brought you back to life never checked up on you in the past few years.

"I'm sorry-"

"Don't... You don't have to apologize for what HE did. Keep going. "

"Well...I think Sedusa got a modelling contract or something? Someone in the Gangreen gang joined a popular band I think and they all went for a tour, Fuzzy invested in some ear plugs and doesn't really care about what goes on in Townsville, and the Ameboa boys...well they're still at it I guess. So yeah...we don't really go out as a team anymore like that" That last part did sound a bit sad.

"That's really all the big criminals in Townsville?" You could have sworn there was another one who he had met before

"Oh right, Princess...that's an entire situation" She whispered and tried to hint with her eyes at someone else in the room.

"She's not a criminal anymore but...she's still sort of our enemy. Or at least making Bubbles' life harder..." Sure enough a girl in a suit with gold trim and a crown hair clip was looking at both of you. Was that Princess? Did she know you were talking about her?

"Do you do any fighting?" You change the subject back, agreeing that it's probably for the best not to get into any drama.

"To be honest...I'm kind of a soloist these days. I don't know if thats the term...but Bubbles has her veterenarian internship and Buttercup has a pretty intense training schedule so usually I'm the one who takes on any new villains who pop up. Aside from this mech robot guy though, most of them don't come back. The process is a bit different though. Since its just me most of the time, I wear a costume and use a cool nickname. It's a secret though" She seemed to be having a lot of fun.

You wonder briefly, if you were a hero with a secret identity, and did all of the things that the girls did, would people praise you? Give you the benefit of the doubt? Stop treating you like a dangerous criminal? Was it possible for you, of all people, to be good? But you don't vocalize these thoughts. Especially not to her. And definitely not now of all times.

You ask Blossom if she knows anybody else here, aside from the obvious she and her siblings, you and your siblings, and princess.

"Hmmm...I think so. Some of them I only know from tv but if you mean personally...The guy with the striped shirt is one of Buttercups workout partners...I remember his name also starts with a B but I don't know what it is. And then that guy with the white hair is Edd.

Apparently his two best friends are named that too. I know, confusing... They seem exhausting to be around when they're all together but Edd's pretty nice when it's just us. We were in chess club together. The girl with the ballet shoes the really tall blonde one, her name is Deedee, and she was a big fan of my sisters and I when she was younger so we got asked to come to her birthday party as special guests and our parents got along enough that we went over to their house pretty often. And then there's her brother~" She dreamily sighed before covering her mouth, embarassed.

So she had a crush. For some reason the thought bothered you a lot. Maybe it was because you wished she spoke about you that way. Maybe it's because the fact that she's able to be comfortable enough with someone to fall in love is more proof that she got to live a happy normal life, while you didn't. Is there anything that's fair?

"I wonder why all of these people are here though. Do you know any of them?"

You look around. Aside from the obvious of the powerpuff girls, your own brothers, and princess, nobody seems like someone you've seen before. Except...there's a guy with black hair in what seems to be goggles and a cape. Even among villains people would think this guy is trying to hard and this is coming from the kid of a monkey who wore a turban. You could have sworn you recognized that face. you don't remember where you saw him, but just looking at him makes you tense.

Wait. He recognizes you too.

And he's coming towards you.

A flood of memories come back to you and leave you paralyzed at the same time. The sterile white walls. The injections. The blood samples. The sedatives.

The invasive examinations. The terrifying people in lab coats. The repeated talk about how this is all you would be good for.

The amputation.

YOU'RE CERTAIN THIS IS THE MAN WHO RUINED YOUR LIFE

Your panic becomes rage as everything around you tunes out. There is no hotel dining room. There are no other people. It's you and the evil scientist. He's speaking but you can barely hear him over everything racing through your head. Even now he doesn't have a sense of boundaries. He seems to be trying to pull your jacket off of your body, saying something about not believing they went through with it. At first you dont know what he's doing until he grabs your arm. Or rather...your metal prosthetic arm.

[toasteloo]

so i have been doing internship for.. a month! and i've been commuting with the local commuter train for an entire month, lets talk about it! because im bored (im procrastinating)

and also i dont want to use twitter to ramble now because im slowly moving away from it

the only line i use is the bogor red line that belongs to the jakarta metropolitan area (jabodetabek) commuter line

the cool thing about this commuter line is they only use ex-jr trains so you can experience japan from the 80s with this line!

this is the common trainset you will see on all lines, including the red line

jr205s! you can see this pretty much everywhere with over 700+ unit of it thats still running around, the trains that we have here are manufactured around 1986 to 1991 (you can tell by the train codes on the lower side of each trains)

there are some differences between the older and newer one notably the door window is much larger on the later model, but the ride quality is not any different and some of the newer trains has different kind of pantograph but i do not know whats the difference is between the two

(notice how the windows on the door has different size, left is the older one and right is the newer one)

the only thing i hate about the 205s is the weird ac positioning, the central ac position only exist near the doors and the other ac is on the side and it also only exist in the middle of the train, and also its weaker so it gets a bit warm very quickly during rush hour

these trains are very reliable and nothing goes wrong, its comfortable and its just fine, there are also a marchen variant of 205s

(not my photobtw)

nothing really different with the regular 205s but they are cool

next up, it's tokyo metro 6000 & 7000!

(also not my photos, i dont took many tm7000/6000 photos)

these are by far my favourite train in the line, it look very modern and overall very sick and the interior is also pretty sick too

the tm6000s are some of the oldest trains thats still in operation in the line going back as far as 1971, despite that, it's still very comfortable, although the interior is slightly yellowed i honestly kinda like it, give that retro feel and whatnot

there are no major downsides for this train based on my experience except the fact that the door usually has to be closed multiple times idk whats up with that

the best thing about tm6000s is that the ac is everywhere regardless of where you are so it is the coldest train in the line, its very nice during rush hour but when its empty it feels like you are in the arctic, freezing away..

there are multiple variant, by multiple i meant only two, the 6000 and 7000, the difference? idk that little window on the front, other than that i couldnt tell

same with the 205s some later model of tm6000/7000 has larger windows and a little screen on top of the door, but nothing really changes in term of ride quality its as comfortable a commuter train can be

now we are getting to the rare trains, first up jr203!

one of the two trains that has a door in the front

as far as i know, 8 sets are remaining for this train as they are slowly retired from the service which is kind of a shame because they look really cool

despite looking really cool this train has a very mediocre ride quality for me, like its fine but holy shit it gets hot, i havent really observed too much as to why its so hot because i only ride on this train twice

one of the most distinct feature of this train is the windows also have vertical bar, why? not sure! but they look interesting thats for sure

overall? its a unique experience because its a rare train but its not very comfortable especially during rush hours

now the most rare train in the entire jakarta metropolitan area commuter line

tokyu 8500!

you want to see rare train in the line? then here you go (also sorry for the blurry photos lol)

this train only has, one (1) set remaining that is still on operation, despite looking very old this train is newer than the entire tm6000 trains with this one is made at 1989

one of the thing that stands out than the rest is how different the interior is compared to the other, instead of plastic trims the interior is mostly dominated with steel bars, no plastic to be seen and also the other thing that stands out is the WIDE gangway

there used to be other set that has a diesel generator for its electricity but unfortunately that train is retired just months before i have internship, kinda unfortunate but oh well

i should mention with the last two trains being retired they are soon getting replaced as soon as 2025 by locally made inka trains and chinese crrc trains

this one is the locally made one, kinda cool imo

the reason why i wrote all of this? idk its just my observation on the trains that exist in the line and i feel like i need to write these down, is anyone gonna read all of this? hell no

that concludes my rambling or yapping about trains that is very long and it took me 2 days to write all of this and i should stop doing this my deadline is looking at me and it looks like its about to kill me

[ethernetmeep]

10/7: walked past valannie, shoulders almost touch. distance important. i am scared yet i persist. important. i repeat the word “important” because it is all i know to say. i have people i sit with, names for later date. privacy is owed. decent. would call acquaintances, not friends. 2-3 person exception. talk with person about modern art & sonic & various. we walked together two times. it is nice to not feel weird for commonplace things. i am still going to be different. a bit calmer. “when it’s right, you don’t think about it that hard.”* still do think, though. nervous about some variables. nevertheless, continuing. must continue. cannot revert, therapist says. isolation in long spurts seems to be bad for me. volunteering at animal shelter, or attempting. submitted form, finally. busy. i make time to write because i simply must. going on for conversations, maybe will ask plans for halloween. don’t like being sudden. ease. better than last year. always better.

week until. not important, but observation. 11th is 6 months. 14th is different thing. celebrations are mediocre, but like them. not really a celebration if its internal, anyway. notes: overpass before break. art museums far off during break, none close. i have the rest of the year for that. science project. painting lockers. finish asimov on numbers. ponder internship in summer. 12:54. raining. time to go

words i wrote in my notebook. did rain heavily today. allowed myself the 1 (one) neutral milk hotel song of the day. king of carrot flowers pt 1 walking home in the rain. familiar. i am able to let myself feel that familiarity in the moment & move on once i step through my door. i allow myself occasional times where i connect to a lost or old feeling, to respect what it once was. right now when i say this i think of my old friend S & in itself this too is the one occasional time i allow myself to think about her in a month or two. hope shes well

funny, while also rambling i should discuss my bounce back behavior. if i say a compliment & its not heard, i say “ok” & i move on. if i trip i say “ok”, get up, & move on. almost tripped today & said this. if i spend time wallowing i will never tell anyone anything again, which i simply cannot do. people need to be told things & mistakes are natural. being ashamed just makes this harder, so by accepting & moving on i sort of just.. exist with less of it.

i think thats all i had to say that i know how to say & is mundane.

*forgot to add— quote by conan gray.

[kart0]

I was looking for a job. And then I found a job. And heaven knows I'm miserable now. So I quit after two days

So... I've been meaning to get an internship. And my friend just quit one so I applied to the same job ( teaching children 1-3 year old ). And I didn't get any reply. But then suddenly, on Sunday, they send me a message asking me to come on Monday and work there.

Not even an interview.

Alright I guess. Lucky me ! Their intern suddenly quit after one week. My friend quit previously after working for a month there.

And then I go on Monday, it's alright, I meet the kids, there were only 7 kids but one didn't go cuz he was sick so ok 6 kids only.

Its alright I can work with that, 30 days only

And then today, Tuesday, I talk with the owner of the school and. Ah. That's the catch. She wants me to work til December. Plus I have the shittiest day ever. Good thing I got to experience hell on the second day. Also, I got peed on twice yesterday and it was still fine.

There are literally so many wrong things with this place, they dare to call it a school. Not kidding I felt like dying today. I really considered killing myself or getting ran over just so I wouldn't be able to physically go.

List of wrong things:

1- The school opened this year. It was inaugurated on January.

2- Theres only one class, with 7 children. The youngest is 1 and a half. The oldest is FIVE. Yes they're in the same class.

3- Unused classroom ( big waste of space and resources for the children ) bc there's not enough children of that age enrolled ( they're supposed to be 5yo )

4- Toys of the unused classroom are sized for babies 2-3yo

5- One teacher only

6- No structure at all

7- The school owner is an English teacher, wanted to make a bilingual school for children. Doesn't speak English well - her pronunciation SUCKS ( she bragged about going to England when younger )

8- School owner is a zootechnician.

9- School owner said her classrooms were always "domesticated" instead of peaceful her words not mine

10- School owner has never taught children before

11- School owner brags about making kids independent and having more autonomy, but won't teach any of them on how to properly use stairs ( we have to carry them up and down instead of letting them use the properly sized handrail specifically made for them )

12- No documentation shown to me

13- No certificates anywhere to be seen

14- Purely disgusting behaviours allowed, not a care in the world about germs, or hygiene

15- No documentation for the internship program - they would just deposit money ( which is not much but it was fine for me ) as a salary

16- Kids clearly struggling with lack of attention and care ( again, only one teacher )

17- The oldest one not being stimulated enough, activities are boring and he just doesn't fit the class

18- Me having no specific job and having to do everything ( this is ok bc I'm more of an assistant ) but then them expecting me to be a second teacher ? I have no experience with teaching, specially 1-3 YEAR OLDS. We still need to change their diapers ?????

19- School owner saying gen z is lazy ( she's 53yo ) and there's a reason why they don't get hired

20- School owner saying it takes around 3 months to get used to the job ( conventionally the period I would work there)

21- School owner wanting a bilingual school but having no method of teaching specially young kids ( children don't understand us plus they're so young a lot of them don't even speak properly so we have to use Portuguese anyways )

22- School owner saying she doesn't believe in gender equality

23- School owner only working there on Tuesdays and Thursdays

24- Teacher not being able to control the class - School owner said that she wants people with authority ( I don't blame the teacher she's actually really nice but you can see she's struggling to make this work. Clearly she's the only one who cares and I think she feels like she's trapped there )

25- School owner not properly changing a kids diaper ( with poop ) ( somehow poop got smeared on the clean diaper and now there's poop everywhere )

26- School owner harassing my friend who worked there ( biggest reason why she quit )

27- Me getting hired without an interview

28- Me getting hired with a terrible terrible and empty curriculum

29- Me getting hired to work and care for 1-3 year olds when I am an art student. And was supposed to focus on art activities.

I'm not getting paid enough for this, and I don't care enough because they don't care enough

Like, I'm not upset or anything. I'm just. Gobsmacked. It's so bad. Everything is wrong. I didn't even list everything. I just worked there for two days.

I care about children, I like children, but I specially like when children are able to go to the bathroom alone and be able to communicate with me. I like when they can speak. I want to be a person who can be there for them, and hear them. I like when they try to explain their thought process to me.

How am I supposed to figure out how to deal with literal toddlers and babies.

Like. This school clearly has problems.

It doesn't surprise me every intern keeps quitting, it's just absurd.

So after two days of working, I sent them my three days notice. I said I'm only going til Friday and then that's it, thanked them for the opportunity and everything. I should've said I wouldn't go there anymore and period but part of me felt bad for the teacher so I said I could finsih this week so that they have time to organize and try to search for someone else. But I was too stupid I should've just said bye. I can't believe I still have more three days. I want to die.

I even said I didn't have to get paid I don't care. like whatever man I just don't want to be there anymore.

Ugh. I feel defeated. Nothing ever goes right with me how am I this unlucky. But I should've seen all the red flags .. I should've listened to my friend, I feel bad that I underestimated what she told me. I thought I could ignore everything. I just wanted hours for my graduation. And I won't even get any hours even after working for barely a week. Which makes sense logically

I feel so weak too. But I can't stand seeing what's going on. Because unfortunately I actually do care and it's just absurd. I can't. And I know there's nothing I can do to change and im powerless and basically going to get harassed and exploited. I don't think I care enough about the children.

Ugh. And worst thing, I will never find an internship. This was my only option and my only chance and even if I changed my mind I can't just say "oop nevermind School Owners Name I actually want to work here" and then quit after a month 😭

I need to sleep anyways, I need to wake up early for tomorrow's class. I'm kinda ashamed of going how am I supposed to look anyone in the eye. I let them down. Like hell me I have to put me first but like. Damn. They just know I'm gonna quit.

But like dude I'm not trained for this I don't want to learn with actual babies when there's no structure at all can you imagine how am I supposed to make mistakes what's going to happen if I actually make a mistake which is inevitable ? Since I have no experience no training no knowledge and I'm basically having to guess

Anyways. Wish me luck for the rest of the week.

[koreanpepamadrigal]

hi y'all! happy opening 🎉 as a housewarming gift, i (yun, 20+, s/h) bring what the cat dragged in: miss KYUNG SEOYOUNG, your friendly neighbour grad student ta who you see more than the actual professor.

more under the cut, with both ims & discord available for plotting upon request! like this 4 plotting, and i'll come say hi! ♡

pre-sua: much like her parents, she stays unregistered. they're living a nice cushy life parading as humans, and they want the same for seoyoung. tell her to keep her mutation a secret, and she'll do fine.

and yk what, they're right! she's living the life! gets into her dream university after she graduates from high school, and even manages to date a nice guy!

and well…. attitudes towards mutants are changing. she lets him in on her little m-word secret, and everything's peachy keen- till she gets an internship and he doesn't.

that's when he lets slip to their school that she's a big bad. she's kicked out of the university, the government's on her ass, and it's on top of the news cycle for a week.

she spins it as best as she can; a dumb, silly girl who was of course getting around to registering when questioned by the relevant authorities--- it's not her fault she found out during finals season! there's interest in the case, and she capitalises off it in hopes the attention will mean lesser repercussions. she's just a girl who wanted to live a quiet normal life like everyone else, ok? :(

girlbossed, gaslit and gatekept (from university)

goes to show that dating men is probably the worst thing you can do to yourself

'lying is ok if it gets you what you want' - seoyoung, probably

anyway, sua opens its doors shortly after, and she gets back on track! she's more than happy to take the patch rash in exchange for a degree, thanks.

currently, she's pursuing a phd in one of sua's labs and regretting it... she's determined to stick it out, though, simply out of spite. her advisor may be the worst person to walk the face of the earth, but seoyoung's absolutely not giving her the satisfaction of quitting

for plotting's sake, i'll keep the classes she tas for pretty vague-- if they take a science class/lab, let's gaurrr. staff shortages also have her covering for unrelated classes, so it's really a toss-up re: whether she actually knows the content or not.

if u've read this far... send me a welcome msg w/ a science class ur muse would take and we can figure it out from there... i'll even throw in a funny seoyoung-esque email reply... ooo u wanna message me so bad 🌀🌀🌀

emails students back at 5am. uses emojis and thinks ‘😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭❓❓❓❓❓’ constitutes a proper reply. has fucky signoffs- if you ask her a dumb question, expect a: Why?, Kyung Seoyoung

serious serious ‘Sent from my iPhone’ energy

please don’t talk to her, she has no self control and will talk to you for 4h instead of getting work done.

is also a ra at yellow hall. if it comes down to the resident vs her free housing? she's picking the housing every time. doesn't care that much, though. just don't fuck around during her rounds and she'll close an eye to whatever.

takes weather-related requests and charges an arm and leg for it. if you want your first date to be sunny, be prepared to cough up for it per hour.

always tired, but also always awake.

will never miss an offer to drink and bitch about her advisor, and is quite possibly landsliding towards alcoholism.

connection ideas: late 20s and up squad... / undergrads who love her as a ta / undergrads who hate her as a ta / yellow hall residents / someone who pissed her off and is now being rained on 24/7 / someone who really wants x weather but isn't willing to/can't cough up the $$ to make it happen... they WILL be bothering her for it tho!

[emilou-keen-gear]

            One beak yawned and then a second followed. It was past the witching hour when even things that went bump in the night were starting to nod off. The night was waning toward the early hours of the morning but still hours away until the sun would come out. Most of the citizens of Duckburg were nestled snug in their beds, and only those who worked the night shift were up and about. Oh, and two dedicated scientists who had been working on their newest pet project for their employee, Scrooge McDuck. Time wasn’t of the essence, but they had hit their stride around one AM and they weren’t back down until one of them collapsed.

            But their determination still wasn’t beyond the temptation of the body.

            “Intern, I’m going out for an espresso,” Gyro called, his face the usual grumpy-slash-sardonic expression.

            Fenton rubbed his eyes. “Are you sure you don’t want me to get it for you?” Fenton asked. He was used to being Gyro’s errand-boy, so he was curious as to why his boss and advisor decided to fore-go his exclusive uses of a none-paid intern. Plus, sometimes Gyro bought Fenton coffee as well.

            “No. My doctor says that I need ‘fresh air’ and ‘exercise’,” Gyro said with a laborious eye-roll. “Apparently walking to and from my car doesn’t constitute this.”

            “Okay. Could you get me one, too?” Fenton asked. The coffee maker that Mr. McDuck kept in the employee’s lounge a few floors up always had the consistency of mud and tasted very similar no matter how often the filter was cleaned or how expensive of beans were used. And it would be a miracle if Mr. McDuck ever deigned to replace it.

            “What do I look like? A money tree?” Gyro asked, stepping onto the elevator. “Lil Bulb is in charge.” The elevator doors closed on him with a cheerful ding.

            Fenton sighed. It had been a nice try. It would have been nice to have a good cup of coffee once in a while, but until his internship was over, he was making squat. He relied on his mother for room, board and all the necessities, so he never asked for spending cash. And on top of that, his student loans were looming over his head. Luckily the bank was willing to hold off on any payments since employment with McDuck Industries would be an exceptional place to live.

            Lil Bulb clambered onto Fenton’s desk, flashing red while his filament bent down in an angry look. The device pointed its little “hand” at its “face” then at Fenton, then back at itself. A clear indication of I’m watching you.

            Fenton ignored the little invention. He had better things to do other than be bossed around by an artificial intelligent. For now, he was trying to figure out why oil kept leaking from the engine that he was working on. The engine was to be used on a new type of submarine that Scrooge McDuck wanted, but there still were a few problems that needed to be fixed.

            Just as Fenton decided the whole engine needed to be taken apart—again—and he began removing a nut, the wrench in his hands slipped and he fell on top of the engine.

            “Ah, nuts,” he grumbled as he felt the slick, wetness spread on his shirt.

            When he pushed himself off the machine, he saw the large blot across his shirt, soaking into his feathers. He knew that working in a lab could be dirty business, and normally he would wear a lab coat, but he had forgotten to put one on in his haste when he clocked in. And this wasn’t the first time. This was his fourth work shirt to get oil on it this week, and he was running out. Not to mention, oil was really hard to get out—as his mother kept telling him—so he might have to buy some more soon.

            Sitting down next to the engine, Fenton tilted his head back and rested his eyes a little, trying to ignore the grease that was in his feathers, between his fingers and who knows where else on his body. He remembered he had rubbed his eyes earlier when he was beginning to feel tired. Did he have two black marks around his eyes?

            Perhaps it was time for him to quit for the day—er—night. At least it was Friday, which meant he could sleep all day tomorrow. Well, not all day. He would have to help Mama around the house, but between Saturday and Sunday, he could catch up on his rest and on the household chores.

            Getting up, Fenton went to the sink that was located on the far side of the large, clear windows that looked out into the ocean. The very basement of the McDuck Lighthouse had been repurposed into a lab several years ago—as Fenton was told—and before that it had been a type of aquatic life observatory for one of Scrooge McDuck’s nephews. It had been one of Duckburg’s major tourist attractions where people could pay to tromp up hundreds of steps to go to the very top of the lighthouse and even hear the foghorn blow.

            Then they would go all the way down into the basement where they could see the ocean, a coral bed and dozens of fish. Fethery—Mr. McDuck’s nephew—had taken great care of the coral reef that grew around the light house and kept track of dozens of animals. There were even aquatic tubes that were built into the lighthouse basement that led to holding tanks somewhere else in the lab.          Someone could even put on diving equipment and go through the tubes right into the ocean. Fethery used these tubes to bring in sick or injured animals into the aquatic observatory where he could treat them before releasing them again.

            Fenton remembered coming to the lighthouse for a school trip once, remembered the excitement in Fethery’s voice and how he spoke to the children about taking care of the oceans, conservation and eliminating pollution. It had been very fascinating.

            But Fenton always wondered what had happened to Fethery. A few years ago, the aquatic observation had been closed down without any explanation, and it was only when Fenton was hired as an intern to work with Gyro that he found out that the space was now utilized as a lab.

            As Fenton cleaned his hands—and his face, because he really did have greasy circles around his eyes—he thought about Fethery, the lab, and what had happened a few years ago. He had never dared as Mr. McDuck—he barely said more than a few words with the elderly duck in his time as intern—and Gyro never said anything if Fenton broached the subject. His best theory was that Mr. McDuck had a falling out with his nephew and that was the end of it.

            His eyes wandered out to the ocean, although only the lights in the lab penetrated the darkness. He wondered if there was more to the story. He remembered reading an article in a newspaper about this very thing, that Scrooge McDuck’s nephew, Fethery Duck, had gone missing yet nobody reported anything about it to the police. The reporter claimed that nobody had seen Fethery since the closing of the lighthouse, and there were no records of him leaving Duckburg or any other activity of where Fethery Duck could be. Later, the newspaper printed a retraction and as far as Fenton could see, the reporter who wrote the article never worked for the paper again.

            As much as Fenton’s imagination could come up with a dozen different scenarios as to what happened to Fethery Duck, he couldn’t believe any of them. Mr. McDuck might be unapproachable and stand-offish, but Fenton couldn’t believe that he would harm an innocent person, let alone his family.

            With his thoughts floating through the subject of Fethery, he hadn’t realized how long he had been standing at the sink with his eyes looking through the window unfocused. It wasn’t until the hot water turned extremely hot that he was brought back to reality.

            And he came face to face with a beautiful woman.

            He was caught unguarded, blinking a few times as she stared back at him, her mouth open a little. Then a few bubbles poured out of her beak, racing through the water.

            Water?! She was in the ocean.

            Fenton stumbled back, his mind coming to the conclusion that there was a person drowning just outside the lighthouse. The lab wasn’t the only underwater level in the building, and they were over thirty feet below sea level. If she had sunk this far, could he get to her in time before she drowned.

            Just as he was startled by her appearance, her face jumped in surprise as well. Her body twisted and pointed downward, her motion followed by a long, scaly tail that whipped out a few times, then she was gone.

            Fenton fell flat on his butt, just as stunned as if he had been kicked by a horse in the stomach. What did he just see? Did he just see a creature that was half-woman, half-fish? A mermaid?

Want to read more? Keep track of my daily progress on AO3.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

Hey, remember when I had a whiny self pity party a few months ago about my grad school. 

It’s back. 

You see, I had thought I reached a calm state of acceptance about it. Yes, it wasn’t what I wanted but it was still a good school. Its well known for writing for a reason, it will be fine. 

Then orientation happened. And nothing really bad came from it, the teachers all seemed nice and enthusiastic but I just left feeling worse I guess somehow. 

The writing workshops seem fine but just the other classes about publishing, it just feels like I’m playing pretend I guess. It’s more essays and more group projects that are supposed to prepare for the actual job and that’s the whole point of education I know. 

But god, the other program had you actually tour publishing houses. And there was a whole semester project where you got to work personally one on one with an editor to develop your novel and another semester with an agent to try to sell it to the publishing houses. 

You got to work, I want to work so badly instead of having these vague classes where homework is the stand-in for an actual chance inside the publishing world. 

And don’t even get me started on the internships. How this school is all about networking and we’ll get you connections and whenever I ask about job, the answer is always the goddam same. It’s always go to the career center. 

I did go to the career center in college and all the career center does is help you with your resume. Which is fine but I would like to actually add a job to my goddam resume instead of polishing up the nothing I already have. Because I know the problem is I having nothing on my resume because no one will fucking hire me since I have no experience like the worst circular dumpster fire. 

And no one is going to recommend me because I have to be an adult and do it myself, take initiative. I know that but god, everyone says you have to have connections or know someone so why can’t the teacher help me get in something. And I don’t mean the school literary magazine. I read that and I understood nothing of that pretentious poetry nonsense. Nothing!

But maybe I’m wrong, supposedly the alumni in the career center message boards always reply back. Maybe they’ll help. Or maybe it will be like the last time when I talked to three editors from Disney-Hyperion and Simon and Schuster (how’s that for initiative)That they’ll keep me in mind but you just to have keep working at it and maybe find local journals. And I’ll smile and say thanks, and they’ll smile and say they’ll remember but let’s face it, they probably won’t. 

And those local journals don’t even have the decency to reply with an automated rejection email because apparently that’s not a thing anymore. They just don’t answer at all. And I’m too polite to send a snarky email saying maybe they’ll hire me to rejection emails for them cuz they need it. Not that they’d reply to that anyone. 

And the ones that do answer and give me an interview then they cancel the interview because they don’t need anymore hires. Do they not fucking communicate?!?! How do they not know that the position isn’t filled when they offer someone an interview? Why do they have the internship sign still up! And this has happened to me three times. Three, what the hell. 

And the others, cuz only one had the decency to reject me outright told me they needed more personality. Omg this is internship, I’m probably just getting you coffee and checking emails. Do you really need my personality? My personality is whatever you want me to be because I just want to get hired. I mean I guess I could talk about how I like books but I really think you should have guessed that from the fact that I’m applying for your journal and that whole cover letter where I talk about my book blig, my library experience, and all that. But nooo that’s just my accomplishments, they want personality. 

Well my personality is in the middle of a meltdown between crying ion the toilet and punching someone in the face repeatedly. Thank you very very much! 

And my regular job search isn’t going much better with the aforementioned no rejection email thing. Or just not replying to emails. Or they want a high school student. Or it only goes to the Princeton Uni ones because they’re so special. Which will be ironic since the only job that I’m going to get is at the University store. Yes, maybe it’s a shitty temporary job, but I guess that’s a rite of passage and I want money. 

Yet it’s so so depressing at the same time because I know what my friends are doing. Ones in foreign exchange in Uruguay at a clinic. Ones working at a hospital. Ones in law school. They get to work, they get to be in the fields while I’m stuck in this online program in theoretical publishing land instead of the real thing. 

And I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s hard and then I have to talk to them and literally have nothing to say when they ask what’s new. Nothing is new. It’s read a little and depend on the day, do laundry or go food shopping. Or when I get the store job, I can add fold t shirts, stack t shirts, ring up t shirts, find my atrophied brain among the t shirts. Basically the same thing I’ve done all summer. 

Because how can I build a social life in an asynchronous program. Seriously? So many people yet the most superficial interactions. It’s not like real life and it’s not like fandom life where you already have a jumping off point and I must admit I suck at group situations. I need one on one but again, it’s all async so ffuuuuck. And don’t get me on local adult classes. They use to be $75, now they’re $210 for Beginner’s French, what sort of capitalist greed nonsense is this 

And let’s not even get to my love life, that will go down a depressing spiral just the same. And I have tried and maybe it’s the guys I’ve texted with but they suck at texting. I’m always initiating and it’s always one word in return and I cannot be the one initiating, I just feel I’m bothering you. And since I’ve stopped, it’s been months with nothing so clearly that’s a dead end too. 

I mean, people always go on in the internet age it’s so easy to communicate and noooo it’s not true! It’s not true! It’s not true! 

The only thing I’m excited about is doing a paralegal degree online. I’m not even interested in law! But at least it will feel like an accomplishment compared to this program.

Because maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I’m not as good of a writer as I think I am. And I’m trying to be realistic that maybe I can be an editor but apparently getting into it is even harder than being a writer. Apparently just getting in that field is just hard and it sucks. And I could be a librarian but that involves learning math, it’s been three years since I did math, I can’t get back into, I can’t. The GRE has spoken. 

So I’ll be a paralegal and I just die a little inside. And my friends are all like why are you giving up on my dream and come on, you think I want to? 

I don’t! I know I would be good at it. I read 100 pages per hour, I’ve done interviews with authors, I wrote 100 posts for my book blog in 18 days and once did a 100 day streak of one post a day. Basically, initiative and I’m disciplined and bit obsessive which I would think they want. I’ve edited others work, I think I write pretty good emotional scenes with angst and humor, I’ve written in the voice of other authors, I’ve planned detail book series which is exactly in the job skills of a story editor. I would kill in this!

Maybe, I mean I don’t even know. Maybe it is harder than I think and I should try for something else but I don’t know because I’m not in that world, just theoretical land of school papers and essays, wasting my time when I could have learned to accept that dreams die long long ago. 

And yes, this is all very self pitying when I could transfer but what’s the point? What’s the point of sticking it out for a year and transferring. I should just suck it up and do the two years I’m paying for. Transferring wouldn’t solve the fact that Boston is too expensive to live in. That’s why my parents told me to accept this one, to stay home and save the money on rent and transportation. And take care of my grandfather and dogs. It was a sign they said, 

And I know it’s selfish to want otherwise. I mean I love my grandfather and I don’t want to be too far away if he, god forbids, dies but it hurts. It feels like I’m stuck in this false grown up world where I’m pretending that I’m going to actually earn something out of this vague program of busywork that will “prepare” me while everyone is out there doing things with their jobs full of purpose and fulfillment and life and cute guys and culture. 

And yeah, I just needed to scream it out there in the void of the internet where it can’t get back to my family. Then they’d just feel guilty (which maybe they should have thought about before undermining my decision but whatever, I’m trying to get over the resentment). But there’s some good stuff, like seeing my family and having my dogs. And I have the car so I can go to the library and movies and. . . Yeah that’s it. But my first Zoom class is today so maybe it’ll be better. Please be less empty than I think.  At least I got this all out in words instead of swirling in my head every time I go food shopping strangely enough.

[chanstopher]

wait wait i'm NOT ?? THE ONLY ONE WHO'S RESISTED KPOP FOR YEARS??? ok ok first of all u sharing everyone's kpop story makes me all smiley and giddy and i wanna share mine but also i don't wanna intrude bC I'M BABY HERE OK??? BUT LIKE ??? finding ur blog only recently when i allowed myself to actually dive into kpop an stray kids and just soak it all in?? has made me all smiles and i honestly just enjoy following u so much!!!

ok but like?? yes i have REPRESSED AND RESISTED kpop so long bc i'm a rebel and i always have this underlying urge to not??? follow the hype ya know?? i think my first encounter with pop was like?? 2012?? with gangnam style?? and i hate myself for admitting it, but i was studying in australia at the time and there was a music channel i remember which had a kpop segment i think?? so it was like gangnam style and ALSO SUPER JUNION?? (thats all i can remember) and i've listened to a bit of exo on the sideline and then BTW blew up and everyone loved them around me but i was just like NOPE?? BC I COULDN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO FOLLOW THE HYPE??? and i still cringe about the whole youtube rewind 'KPOP!' segment like what was that even back then???

but then i was exposed to the felix effect on TikTok during last fall (ugh yess but i couldn't help it) and it just continued into the new year and now i'm just in the deep end with all things stray kids, going through so many of their songs and their yt videos and i just?? feel so hAPPY GIDDY EXCITED??? but i also cry thinking about everything i've missed out on like ?? moments and memories??? exclusive merch?? PHOTOCARDS ??? (like pls sign me up i wanna sell my soul fo anyone who sells extra photocards i have like none) sbvhjfd

I'M SORRY THIS GOT SO LONG BUT YESS I'm a baby stay and my blog is still in transition but I AM HERE AND I'M gushing about them every day and receiving messages from hyunjin (god he's my fave) and felix and chan on bubble always makes my day and i am just so happy to see what they've accomplished!! LIKE TODAY??? ALL HAPPY TEARS ON MY END!!! i'm literally just waiting for my upcoming internship to accept my wish to be off in july so i can see them headline in paris !!! — thank you for u and ur blog, ur a treasure to follow!!

all baby stays are welcome here I am here for more ppl loving skz always, no gatekeeping here just love and support hehe (and omg thank you im so happy following this blog makes u happy 🥹💕)

i get being resistant to follow the hype especially with music a lot of popular music is really boring and i find myself underwhelmed by stuff ppl REALLY enjoy, and also just not wanting to be a part of what everyone is screaming about is totally valid.

I love that felix did u in tho, and theres always time to catch up on old content! sites like skzflix are superrrr helpful in finding older shows and things! and im always here if ur looking for something or wanna know where anything is from <3 i love how excited and happy u seem to be about skz, i think its always refreshing to have new ppl join in, i think it helps remind ppl who have been in about how exciting discovering skz was for them, and seeing things from a new perspective is so nice!

I hope ur internship gives u the time off! skz are amazing live and i hope u get to experience it!!

[spikeinthepunch]

rebrand conflict

idk how to decide what is a good or bad decision in terms of like...wanting to rebrand. i wish i could count back to how long i have used "morrysillusion" overall, i dont have a specific date. but i know after the white/brown antelope/wolf fursona, i think i dropped "moreyytilatot"? i think i tried to just go by "morey" in some form (i recall "princemorry" url). and then i dropped the 'nisovinsillusion' url maybe in early 2016? but i also had the coffini url here for a good while after. i cant remember if i used morrysillusion outside of tumblr around that time so. idk...

and heres the thing-- i dont really feel disconnected from my username, its fine and i think its p cool. but also in my head i keep wanting to change it, and part of that is wanting to claim a super old username i have no bad associations with. and i think part of that is bc of all the ways i am trying to do the things i was denied through my younger years-- so i am just reliving a lot of nice things and recalling the vibes and online trend etc i had. but also like.... attitude? personality wise? i feel like im not reflecting that w my current "brand" so to speak. at the very least if i didnt change my username, i still dont feel like the current look is something i want. i think the urge on the username change is just an additional feeling to push away from what i have been under this name.

the username i keep wanting to fall back to is 'spikeinthepunch/spikedpunch' (had the short one on xboxlive and the long one on deviantart) which was a short lived username but has no negative relations to anything, and i wished i kept it for a bit longer. and its kind of an edgy username lol. but in my recent years of growing as an adult, moving out, and being my own person, i feel soooo different than how my accounts have been presenting me. i guess ive been like soft, simple, and stiff in presentation? i think i fell into this when i was thinking id keep doing art commissions etc in a "professional" way, and especially bc i was doing my CN internship around then and wanted to still look presentable for the industry when looking for jobs. and while i certainly would love to work in the creative industry potentially, i obviously dont need to keep up that Normal-er image, i never should have, but also at that age and time i didnt feel like i could be that way at all. i was far more nervous of people interpreting me badly, negatively, etc if i was more edgy or mature. i was young and not dealing with my issues and so fixated on trauma etc.

this is also lining up w my plans to rework my website too. and i think a lot of this feeling also comes along w my "mascot" who i think is lovely! but him being a "mascot" makes him.... very detached from me as a person. i havent had any sonas to relate to in almost over a year... and my mascot was never meant to be a sona, just a Guy to represent my vibe (the colors, aliens) and social media appearance. and i guess i dont like that vibe anymore. i havent even felt all too into the shift i made to Mikike just having a vague spacesuit either, i felt i was just forcing that in order to fit the simple minecraft skin format for readability. (if people were to draw my skin, making it plantigrade and less animal would be easier)

and of course an additional observation i have had in more recent times are manic episodes that make me uproot parts of my life and change a lot of stuff about my identity etc. it may not seem like that happens online but its bc i manage to hold back on changing things abt my online branding lol- but it often results in making sideblogs for whatever new fandom/media i attached to in my episode and irl changing my entire appearance to fit and much more (and promptly drop both in about a month or so- its why i have so many abandoned sideblogs). this is obviously the bigger issue bc its what makes it Very hard for me to not do this (n yes i am in a bit of an episode rn despite my medication so...). and shocker, so many of my username/url changes and failure to ever keep one long enough to form an identity is related to that as well! its a surprise i havent done it in years but it was the expectation to stay with one identity, one look, in order to be Normal and recognized in a professional way, and i dont like that.

making this post and dumping thoughts has me thinking on a solution. as i said i dont really feel detached from my username. but what i dont relate to the most now is the way i feel i have gotten stuck in presenting myself online, and as a "brand". i want to toss out my color scheme, my mascot, my outward attitude. i want to let myself actually present in a way i like and not in a way that feels "clean". when my wcrp got shut down i had to come to the idea of acceptance and letting go of things i cannot control. and the reality of what truly doesnt matter in terms of what people may think of me. that was a huge pressure left on me for YEARS thanks to 2014-16 tumblr mindset and it is so so much harder to break esp if you want to try and be a creator and build an audience. i felt like i had become aware of this, and i have, but i didnt really click the fact that i wasnt into my current online presence bc i was still living with a piece of that era.. the fear of getting popular and being 'called out' for something for years ago, that wasnt even serious or bad, feeling like i was stepping carefully everywhere even when nothing was wrong. this doesnt entirely tie to WHY i want to do all the above. its just an observation on one of the things that hold me back too. just staying the same and staying safe. i hardly ever post, and while its something i chose to do its also a 'bonus' to not giving people much things to read off of me and assume from too.

this is getting too long and i think i have my point. idk what im gonna do but im thinking a lot abt how i should take control of my online life.

[inkofamethyst]

July 26, 2023

Today I finished moving out of my apartment. Also my last day in a classroom in my undergraduate uni. The apartment thing actually feels weird. That room.. I mean it never quite felt like home, exactly. But it was my safe space on campus. For two years it was mine. And now it's not.

I.. I think there's a good chance I may stretch myself a little thin during my phd. Like, I discovered this thing at my uni where I could essentially get a minor alongside my Big Degree. And they have lots of really cool, interesting options (classics! medieval! archaeology! so many others!!) which I would totally consider if I was an undergrad but I'm getting close to the point where my luck may start to run out so it's probably a good idea for me to go for something more applied, right? I looked at compsci because that's the big button topic right now, but they also have data science which seems to be a bit more social-sciencey in its approach which I vibe with, and it could/would be good additional training for just like, ~being a scientist~ generally. But it's like,,,, several extra courses (five) which I mean yeah I could complete it slowly, one or two at a time, over the course of the years following my first two, but I just don't know if it'd be a good idea. If it'd be too much of a distraction from the Big Degree. And then on top of that I was already considering doing a brief internship or two. And then maybe (though this idea is significantly less well-formed) doing an exchange program one term through the program my uni offers, and that's not even mentioning all the cool workshops they have going on all the time that I want to take part in,,,,,, it's just that, I mean sort of like when I entered undergrad I'm seeing all of the offerings and want to take advantage of it all. It's kind of a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but I do actually want to get through it. Healthily.

Anyway I haven't mentioned any of this to my advisor lol. Can't show too much excitement too early. Just an appropriate, adult amount (whatever that means).

I think the important thing to remember will be that all the extras are nice, but my eyes need to stay on the prize.

Over the past several years, I've pretty successfully (and, perhaps, quite dramatically) limited my firsthand/fast fashion pieces, partly due to having a better grip on my spending habits (now that I'm spending my money) and partly due to moral convictions. However, I've recently come to recognize that there are several pieces in my wardrobe that, while looking "pretty good" for being secondhand, may not be particularly becoming for a person who looks like me and who is entering the grad school environment. My mother is pushing me to get rid of some of those items (as well as other fast fashion pieces that I've owned since high school), and I somewhat begrudgingly agree. She's also pushing me to look for suitable replacements, mostly firsthand, mostly fast fashion. The only way I can honestly feel comfortable reverting a little bit is by recognizing the fact that I genuinely attempt to take good, long-term care of my clothes. So even if I buy something at Old Navy or Target or TJMaxx, there's a decent chance it'll last me through the next six years or more, especially if they're basics.

My mom and I did get into a disagreement (it was silly and out of love but we still disagreed) about my wardrobe recently though. She complains that I don't have any color among by blacks and browns and creams. This is factually incorrect, and I reminded her that I've got greens and am constantly on the lookout for more. She told me that my hunter (and forest and sage) greens didn't count because they were muted. I told her she was being picky. I also told her that I would be receptive to adding lilac. She said I should be more open than just that. But I couldn't explain at the moment that I'm trying to build a wardrobe that is mostly modular so that I can add in whatever colors I want and not have to worry about whether I have anything to wear with them. I'll already have several potential outfits with some random piece I get on a whim one day. Anyway I needed to buy new cases for my devices and decided to get them all in lilac out of spite (admittedly, the black/gray theme I did four years ago was, perhaps, a tad boring and uninspired, but now they're dreadfully cute (I would've gone with green, but my sister is also going through a green phase, and we've already been through a period of us having the same phone and case, plus I don't think commitment to any ~~~aesthetic~~~ has to be all that deep)) but my mom says that doesn't count because they're not wearable. She also said (again) that I dress like an old maid and I had to remind her that spinsters were women who, historically, made their own money and choices for themselves, so I'm not particularly ashamed to be associated with them.

Today I'm thankful that my Enterprise-D came in good condition!!! I haven't taken it out of the box yet, but it (and its stand) appear to be in the original, unwrapped packaging. Just lovely. I also finished off a gift card by grabbing a card game and some posters, one space-based and one botanical, both vintage-looking, so decor is coming along.

I don't really care to tell most people where I'm going for graduate school. It sets a lot of expectations that I feel like I'm not always able to live up to. So when they ask "well what's next" I say "oh just grad school" and then only open up if they ask for specifics. But today, an older Black woman asked for specifics and I told her and she seemed so excited for me. I was a little bashful, but it felt good. There was a.. a unity in that interaction, something we didn't have to say aloud but it was there. Some people seem proud of me in almost a selfish way, I feel like. And that feels.. not good. But today's interaction was different in a good way. I only just met her today, but I hope I can make her proud.

[spookfished]

tagged by @eldritch-elrics thanks i love doing these :3

relationship status: in a lavender marriage to my work <3

favorite color: orange!

song stuck in my head: it was the succession theme when i was initially reading finns post bc i had literally just watched succession but now its gonna leave you by queens of the stone age

last song i listened to: questions that make you realize your lastfm/spotify sync might be broken? anyways i think it was still lonely by seventeen. im so empty that i feel like im empty < so true

3 fav foods: panfried salmon, buttercorn ramen, hotpot! ...a lot of my favorite foods just depend on something that i ate recently that i liked. or something that i wanted to eat. ooh or maybe a perfectly ripe strawberry.. i went to the farmers market today and it was sooo nice the california fruit really is like nothing else. oh you know when youre browning meat and its just a little bit too raw so it feels kinda forbidden?

last thing i googled: lastfm not scrobbling spotify :| before this ask meme was "tesseract api python" lolll new internship going. okay

dream trip: ohhh ive been thinking about this so much recently! id love to go to singapore (may be seeing a relative there soonish..?) but also like pandas and water gardens and stuff in china. and maybe my relatives too i guess. and also i want to go to myanmar again when things arent bad there and stay long enough that i can eat street food and also go to spain to see alhama and venice and the mosque of cordoba and also japan would be cool and

anything i want: would love for this ocr (optical character recognition) thing to be written for me so i dont have to do it <3 also to be less scared of new things :P im at the point where i have to stop taking silly little classes and start thinking about if i want to do stuff for real. and like, probably i do? but actual decisions that can affect real life are a bit scary you know. how scary it is to think about what you actually, materially want! idk itll be fine. oh also ito en should make a non caffeinated tea

anyways tagging @aliaoftheknives @gimmickbird @hirokiyuu @reduxskullduggerry if yall want!