#the raven cyle fanfiction

[pynches]

for @non-platonic-murphamy​ aka the best girlfriend in the world! happy birthday my love, I hope you like it <3

People deal with pain differently. Some lose themselves in the bodies of others, others crop up the pain inside until it becomes unbearable, threatening to explode and taking everybody with it in its vicinity, but in Ronan’s case, alcohol had been his biggest helper.

He didn’t drink before his father’s death, always saw it as something grown-ups did, a category he definitely didn’t belong in at fifteen. But there he was, a dreamt up id-card in hand, his curly hair replaced by a buzzcut and the angry lines of a fresh tattoo tangling around his neck. He bought his first beer then and didn’t stop.

Adam never saw the beginning, how Ronan was before his father’s death and how he dealt with it right after. He was, however, there to see the end of it. How Ronan learned to cope in a healthier way than getting himself wasted and the self destructing tendencies that followed. He was proud of how much Ronan had grown since then, how much happier and calmer he seemed now.

That’s why, when Ronan announced that he was going to the bar with Blue who had just returned with Gansey and Henry from their big road trip, Adam was a bit apprehensive. Not because he didn’t trust Ronan or because he thought Ronan would cheat on him in a drunken stupor but because he was afraid Ronan would fall back into his old tendencies if he started again. The only drunk Ronan he knew was one of self-destruction and anger and he wasn’t keen on seeing that side of him again, not with the progress he had made over the years.

Of course, he told him to go, have fun, say hi to Blue for him.

Adam stayed at the Barns himself, alcohol only reminded him of his father and he had an early morning at Boyd’s the next day since he had been all too happy to have Adam back for the summer holidays so keeping an eye on both Blue and Ronan wasn’t an option for him even though he desperately wanted it to be.

His cellphone was placed next to him, the notification sound on to the highest volume in case Ronan needed him. He nearly jumped when he heard his phone go off, picking it up with shaking hands and scolding himself for his anxiety when he saw it was just a snap from Blue.

Adam put his phone away without responding and turned on the tv, hoping it would settle his nerves at least a little bit. He wanted Ronan to have fun and live his life but the thought of losing him because he drank too much and did something stupid like pick a fight with the wrong person made his stomach feel tight.

He sat through one episode of a random tv show he barely followed before he got another notification, this time from Ronan himself.

Adam couldn’t help but smile a bit, feeling more rested now that Ronan was still sober enough to send coherent text messages. Though it had scared him at first, he was now happy that Ronan knew him well enough to send something like that to ease his mind.

Adam put his phone away.

And so the night dragged on.

Adam went from watching tv to doing homework he didn’t even had to do until later that week. He stayed up longer than he had since St. Agnes where he often dedicated those precious sleeping hours to the mountains of homework he had to go through, that being the only time he had for it. Now that he studied at Harvard on a scholarship and didn’t have to work more than one job anymore, he had a much more regular sleep pattern and he felt healthier than ever before.

Some things, though, were hard to unlearn.

He easily stayed up until Ronan finally texted him he was coming home, or well, he thought that was what he was trying to say.

Ronan typed like he was absolutely smashed and it didn’t ease his mind one bit but he trusted Ronan to know what he was doing. Ronan had always made it safely back home, even when he didn’t like life as much as he did now.

He wanted to message back so many things. Please be careful. I can’t lose you. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.

He eventually went with: Okay, I’ll see you soon.

To take his mind off the worry he felt, he made his way upstairs and got himself ready for bed. He had just turned off the lights and gotten into bed when he heard someone stumble through the door and it would’ve worried him if not for Ronan’s familiar cursing ringing through the quiet house.

Ronan made his way upstairs, punctuated by the sound of his heavy boots on the creaky staircase. He opened the door of their bedroom and started to undress himself without even uttering a word, his movements sluggish and clumsy.

Adam watched him in slight amused, raising an eyebrow at him when he just stood there in the dark, seemingly staring at him in mild confusion.

“Are you coming to bed?” Adam asked, muffling a slight laugh at the fact that Ronan didn’t even recognise him. Though, he was curious to see what Ronan would do. Ronan didn’t do casual and Adam knew Ronan was utterly devoted to him, but if he really didn’t recognise Adam in the dark and thought it was a random guy, then how would Ronan even respond to that.

“No, thanks,” Ronan said, his words a bit slurred. “I’m sure you’re lovely and all but I have a boyfriend.”

And with that he dropped to the floor and promptly went to sleep. Adam couldn’t help but laugh quietly at Ronan’s words, how he seemed more polite drunk than sober, a vast difference from how he used to be. He also felt a warmth spread through his chest at how Ronan still thought about him, even in his completely wasted state, how he went to sleep on the floor without even thinking twice. It reminded Adam of those nights at St. Agnes when they used to sleep like this all the time, both still too scared to admit what they were really feeling to each other but to themselves as well.

Adam went to sleep with the ghost of a laugh still pulling at his mouth and woke up to a disoriented Ronan trying to get into their bed.

“I cannot fucking believe I didn’t recognise you,” Ronan said, his voice still gruff from sleep. “My back is fucked now.”

Ronan plastered himself against Adam’s back, throwing an arm around his waist, and Adam automatically leaned into his body heat. “You used to do that for me all the time,” he pointed out with a laugh. He couldn’t help but feel a little bad that he made Ronan sleep on the floor so many times, though he wouldn’t have been able to sleep if Ronan was next to him, pressed against him like he was now.

“Yeah, well, I was younger then. More resistant against floors.”

“It was last year!”

Ronan dropped a kiss to the back of his neck, Adam thought he could feel him smile too.

They laid there in comfortable silence. Adam was already slowly sinking back into sleep, his body fully relaxing now that Ronan was lying next to him, when Ronan spoke up again.

“I behaved,” Ronan mumbled into his skin. “Didn’t fight anyone, didn’t mess up.”

“I trusted you,” Adam said defensively, though he knew he didn’t fully. He put his hand on top of the one Ronan had curled around his waist. Ronan stayed silent, it felt expectant. “Okay, fine, maybe I was a bit nervous but I won’t be anymore.”

“That’s better,” Ronan said with a sharp grin before turning Adam around so he could look at him properly. “I’ve changed,” he said and Adam could hear how much it cost him to admit it to himself, to feel good saying it.

“I know and I’m proud of you,” he replied, tracing Ronan’s sharp jaw gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t before.”

“I understand why,” Ronan said softly, taking Adam’s hand in his own and kissing his palm. “But you don’t have to worry.”

Adam nodded and let Ronan play with his hands, enjoying Ronan’s ever gentle touches. “How did the others do?”

“I had to carry the maggot home, I think, and Noah got stuck in a tree.” Adam opened his mouth to fire off a round of question but Ronan shook his head. “I have no idea what happened either but maybe I will after some painkillers. My head fucking hurts.”

Adam nodded and cradled Ronan’s head close, dropping a kiss on his forehead. It would take him a while to get used to this, Ronan slowly enjoying his young adult life more with the sometimes drinking that came along with it and the fear Adam still possessed for strong liquid, having seen the possible effects of it up close and personal. But Ronan wasn’t like that and it was something he had to learn. Much like everything else, this was something they had to grow into together and Adam had no doubt in his mind that they would succeed in that.

But for now, teasing Ronan on the internet was a good way of dealing with it.

[djhedy]

bullying in fandom

even as i consider typing this i feel anxious and a little sick - the idea of taking on the very people i’m worried will call me out for trying to call out a particular type of behaviour - but i want to say something.

online spaces should be treated the same as real spaces. the way some people talk to each other online isn’t ok. 

somewhere along the way we’ve lost the art of nuanced conversation. it is ok to say “this is problematic and i like it”. or “i disagree with you but i still like you”. or “i like this novel but not this aspect”.

bullying happens in fandom.

it happens amongst ourselves - and not the call-outs themselves, i’m perfectly comfortable having a discussion about the morality of something existing at all (and fandom is full of pretty complicated things), but i’m not comfortable with the way we talk about it. people are scared to have conversation (the way i am right now) for fear of being yelled at for saying anything at all.

it is not ok to drown out one person’s voice for yours. it is ok to decide whether you want to be in a conversation or not - you have a right not to be in places you don’t feel comfortable. 

but i was bullied at school, and have carried those anxieties into adulthood, and i don’t feel comfortable existing in fandom right now because i’m constantly afraid of being targeted or harassed. which is ridiculous. no one knows who i am. a handful of people read my fanfic and basically no one follows me on tumblr. which is fine. and maybe no one will read this. i don’t even have any particularly controversial opinions. i tend to write about mental health, because that’s my jam. 

in my head fandom is a place that’s just meant to be fun. i thought the rule would be - look for stuff you like, don’t look at stuff you don’t like.

it is never ok to passive aggressively yell at someone for disagreeing with you. even for something you think is absolutely appalling. i am bi and have had heated discussions with homophobes on twitter, and have never used the type of bullying language against them ive seen used in fandom. it is ok to disagree, and to hate someone, and to not bully them for it.

(*even now, i’m editing, and i’d originally written - “it is ok to disagree, and to hate someone, and to be nice to them”. and then immediately panicked that someone would yell at me for saying we should be nice to - oh i dont know - paedophiles - and that i would be in the exact place i want to avoid being. i do think we should try to be nice to everyone, without qualification, but of course this is hard, and of course i fail sometimes too. so i took out the word ‘nice’. i replaced it with courteous. i hate that word. now the sentence doesn’t work as well and i’m worried i’m going to have to qualify the word ‘bullying’. but i think even bullies know what they’re doing when they’re doing it. it’s language designed to hurt, to push someone into a corner, to shut them up, to make them feel small. anyway. i digress.)

i don’t know if anyone will agree with this. maybe i’m too hufflepuff for my own good.

but i’ve been feeling anxious recently and i’ve never really properly acknowledged to myself that i was bullied in school. and not wanting to participate too hard in the extreme corners of fandom feels a lot like ducking my head in school corridors.

we also bully the original creators. that one i don’t understand at all - if they hadn’t made the thing, we wouldn’t be here obsessively delighting in the thing? they came up with the characters we love? it is ok to like one aspect of someone’s creation, and not another - and it is never ok to send them hateful messages about it.

you do not own that content. someone else created it, and we get to decide whether to engage or not. that is as far as the relationship goes. my favourite author has left tumblr because of harassment about her characters. characters i also love by the way, but because my head stays half in the real world, i know those characters are not real. i know all of this is a hobby. a hobby without much importance. this is what we’re talking about here. and yes i love it too. and yes i’m angry, you can probably tell, i’m angry that this author was run off tumblr. and i saw a couple of the people involved. and i will never yell at them. i considered entering into a couple of gentle debates - because i do think it’s important to stand up when you see wrongdoing - but i had no idea how to do it in a way that wouldn’t get me yelled at.

i’m still ducking my head in school corridors.

maybe i’m just naive. maybe i’ve said something problematic that will get me hate. mostly i just want to be left alone to enjoy this thing that’s supposed to be an easy fun hobby. but it would be nice to not be too afraid to make friends here, without worrying what sort of spaces i’ll accidentally pop my head into.

it is ok to disagree, and to hate someone, and to still be nice to them.