#the polygon twink

[meteortrails]

cloud strife is sooooo babygirl I love him….. doing the first round of his backstory rn and oh my god he’s such a sweetheart. I don’t even care that he’s probably committed war crimes that’s my baby ok

[gaminedyke]

not butch enough to attract femmes not femme enough to attract butches. sigh

[thepunkranger]

Resident Evil Characters - A Summary

Note: This is entirely my own opinion and said with a heavy dose of humor

Please enjoy

Chris Redfield

OG

Started as a twunk

Became an angry gorilla man???

Alpha Male™️

Punches boulders

Wants you to marry his sister

Smoker

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife

Rude to wait staff

2/10 - Just a guy. Hit him with your car

-

Jill Valentine

Other OG

Arguably better main of RE1

Master of Unlocking

Bisexual Bob™️

Butch

Supercop

Once got mind-controlled into going blonde

Rocket Launcher babe

PTSD

Big Strap Energy

Giant anime gun

10/10

-

Albert Wesker

OG Baddy

Sunglasses

Thinks he’s cool

A little too into Chris

“What are we going to do this game, Albert?”

“What we do every game, Alex: try to take over the world”

Matrix jacket

Maybe a vampire?

Looks like my uncle (derogatory)

4/10

-

Barry Burton

Bear

A+ line delivery

Just happy to be a part of things

Wishes his daughter would talk to him

Comes through in a pinch

Got lost on his way to The Last of Us

Father figure

Not dead out of sheer dumb luck

8/10

-

Rebecca Chambers

Baby butch

Sees the best in everyone

Autism be damned, my girl can work a shotgun

Sporty

Mommy Domme/Babygirl switch vibes

Sweet coffee addict

Doing fine, thanks for asking

Awkward thumbs up

9/10

-

Billy Coen

Bad Boy™️

Never bothered to take off his handcuffs

Tattoos

Mullet???

Moral standards

Strong silent type

Whole situation could’ve been avoided by just talking about his issues but no

Queen fan

7/10

-

Leon S. Kennedy

If a golden retriever became a human and then got kicked every day of its life

Having a really bad first day

Into dominant women

Dumb 90s haircut

Uses comedy as a coping mechanism

Hair grows in direct correlation to his level of angst

“Hey demons, it’s me, ya boi”

Sexy

Dog lover

Certified Good Boy™️

Fucked up a perfectly good rookie is what you did. Look at it, it’s got depression

15/10

-

Claire Redfield

College student stuck in the zombie apocalypse

Soft butch

Humanitarian

Forced her brother to teach her how to knife fight

Really into motorcycles

Leather jacket

Rocket Launcher babe #2

Always has at least one adopted child with her

10/10 would ask to babysit

-

Ada Wong

Mommy. Sorry. Mommy- sorry. Mommy-

Grappling hook

Badass spy

Emotionally distant

Soft spot for cute cuddly things (Leon)

Femme fatale

Book lover

Chaotic neutral

Crossbow 😍

Could step on me and I’d say thank you

Rocket launcher babe #3

10/10

-

Sherry Birkin

Goosebumps protagonist

Worst parents ever tbh

Surprisingly good under pressure

Please someone get this girl some therapy

Supergirl

Smartest person here

One hell of a shot

The trauma is immeasurable

Somehow still doing fine

Loves her weird adopted family

8/10

-

Carlos Oliviera

Himbo

First POC main?

Went from three polygons and a white boy haircut in the original to actual gorgeous South American hunk in the remake

Lost his accent along the way for some reason

#1 Jill simp

If Dug from Up was a guy

Only trustworthy person in the whole series

Just wants to help

Gorgeous gorgeous hair

Loves strong women

Hakuna matata

Touch-starved

10/10 would peg

-

Steve Burnside

Twink

Who is this sassy lost child?

Hot Topic employee

Into Claire (she’s too old for you bud)

Choker

Thinks he’s edgy

Whiny

Daddy issues

1/10

-

Luis Serra Navaro

If Puss in Boots was a human

The Most Extra™️

Luscious flowing locks

Definitely into bondage

Used to work for Umbrella

Trying to make up for it

Don Quixote references

Bisexual

Good with his hands

Praying for a threesome with Leon and Ada

10/10

-

Ashley Graham

Basic white girl

Always getting kidnapped

Master of Unlocking #2

Razor flip phone

Ada Wong bisexual awakening (same)

Good with a wrecking ball

Makes Leon catch her every time she has to jump a ledge (also same)

Would like to go to Hot Topic, please

7/10

-

Sheva Alomar

Player 2

Second POC main

Bad AI

Too good for her game

Willing to go on a suicide mission with a guy she just met

Left handed

Deserves a better stylist

Only good part of RE5

Literally my girl got done so dirty just give her another chance please

10/5

-

Moira Burton

“It’s not a phase, dad!”

Probably gay

Weak arms

Skillz

Box dyed her hair at least once

Simple Plan playing in the background

Childhood trauma

7/10

-

Piers Nivans

Trying his best

Appreciates a good steak

Sick of Chris’ bullshit

Good with a rifle

Just a good man

German Shepherd boy

Self-sacrificing

8/10

-

Jake Muller

Wesker’s son

Daddy issues

Who invited Ronan Lynch here?

Quips for days

Bad boy

Loves the type of woman who can kick his ass

The Most Edgy™️

9/10

-

Ethan Winters

Husband of the year

Trusting

Surprisingly chill

The most basic white man in all of RE

Hands? What hands?

Functionally a lizard

Would still love you if you were a worm

Just casually knows how to craft bullets

Moldy

8/10

-

Mia Winters

Toxic girlfriend energy

Literally possessed

Dark sense of humor

Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss

Casually working for a bioterrorism organization

Does actually care about her family

Definitely doesn’t have a penicillin allergy

If you can’t be the girl of his dreams, you can at least be the feral swamp witch of his nightmares

2/10

-

Zoe Baker

Lesbian

Mold intolerance

Southern accent thicker than grandma’s gravy

Picked last on the playground

Somehow okay despite her brother being Like That

Joe’s favorite

Science skills

8/10

-

Lucas Baker

Jigsaw

Didn’t even need the mold

Probably got at least one true crime documentary made about him

Working for Mia’s bioterrorism organization

Left his classmate rotting in the attic

Just the worst

0/10

-

Alcina Dimetrescu

Mommy

Please step on me

Elizabeth Bathory vibes

Just fucking huge

Can turn into a dragon

Lesbian

9/10

-

Karl Heisenberg

Grimy

Tumblr Sexyman

When robotics majors get weird

Fights with his siblings

Doesn’t actually care at all about Miranda

In cahoots with the lycans

7/10

-

Rosemary Winters

Mommy and Daddy issues

YA protagonist

Badass

Childhood trauma

Into the Mold-verse

Alternate universe Sherry Birkin

8/10

[pervigilatrix]

You think you have the craziest ship meanwhile gravity falls fans are out here with their middle aged man and his twink polygon boy toy

[palmer]

Professor called me “the polygon twink” today

[your-local-squip-fanatic]

idk why but my Lester gives off SnapCube sonic dub vibes. examples.

"your tits are one polygon"

"by the way im bisexual i almost forgot"

"cmon, dont you support gay rights?"

"AND ILL BE THE TWINK~"

"THIS IS MY BIG FUCKING THING!"

"i cant see the end of the horizon- HATSUNE MIKU?!" (spoiler alert, am legit making him say that)

"frank ocean cant save you now, sweetheart"

"im going to kill you... then kill you again."

"im not fucking with any more redboxes"

You guys will soon know. Trust me.

[gay-little-isopod]

making friendship bracelets for me and my friends except they say dilf, twink, polygon, and asda

[favoritenintendocharacterbracket]

Losing Bracket Round 2 is over, round 3 is starting

Results Here:

After the delay to decide if the results for Ness vs Queen Sonia were ok, the results are in!

Here's my recap for the rest of the match ups:

Isabelle beat Mr. Game & Watch

Apollo beat Alear

Mona beat Porky

Wario beat Mym

Matt beat Seliph

Akari beat Mascula

K. K. Slider beat Yunobo

Sidon beat Nemona

Claude beat Lora

The Miis beat Rauru

Captain Falcon beat Xane

Diddy Kong beat Karate Joe. Rhythm Heaven's out, ah well.

Acerola beat Sukapon

Ninten beat the Fighting Polygon Team

Tulin beat the Prince of Sablé

Mac beat Eudan

Inkling won the war against Andy

Commander Tartar beat Chibi-Robo

Grovyle the Thief beat Midgardsormr

Roy beat Dimitri. A reminder that Smash is bigger then Fire Emblem

Ridley beat Lyn

Galacta Knight beat Leif

President of Hocotate Freight beat Nedrick

Nia beat Alm

Shulk beat Esna

Mr. Grizz beat ROB

Lubba beat Laxi

Cherry beat Robin

Edelgard beat Rex

Ike beat Eirika

The Duck Hunt Dog beat Alex

Olimar beat Dixie Kong

Teba beat Lakitu

Twink obliterates Waterwraith

Marina beat Ranzal

Greninja beat Kyle Hyde

Purple Pikmin beat Melia

Geno beat Queen Sectonia

Chrom beat Jimmy T

Toadsworth beat Ashley

Mineru beat Mythra

Dark Pit beat Hilda

DJ Octavio beat Luca

Louie beat Lip

Stitches beat Mallow

Pikachu beat Penn

Donkey Kong beat Morgan

Lillie beat Sami

Tia beat Isaac

Starfy beat Sigurd

The Happy Mask Salesman beat Cranky Kong

Arven beat Min Min

Yveltal beat Zena

Oatchi beat Lysithea

The Squirtle Family beat Cleo. Farewell Dragalia Lost. Although I am glad my favorite Pokemon won

Ness beat Queen Sonia

Ravenbeak beat Ogerpon

Bobby beat Penny

Acht beat Takamaru

Shy Guy and Purah tied! Welcome Team Science Guy!

Riju beat Celica

Ashley beat Takumi

Hades beat Quan

[butchboromir]

who remembers brian david gilbert twink discourse. fighting on the front lines for our rights to call brian a twink and a lesbian while the greater polygon fandom tried to kill us

[mushroomsandhawthorn]

Winter king aka dangerous icy polygon twink

the winter king

[incorrecteintrachtquotes]

Junior : That polygon twink has a really nice ass. Just sayin'.

[ferbulo]

I don’t know what is more cursed, Anthony Burch saying he thought Ron Stampler looked like "The Polygon Twink” in his head for like half the run time of season one of Dungeons and Daddies, or the fact that he described Brian David Gilbert as the “The Polygon Twink”.

[wingedog]

“Hey kids wanna hear about how mario is a war criminal??”

I’ve accepted the mustache into my life

[recalcitrus]

tag yourself I’m “Jorts Jeremy”

[emptyheartfoolbrain]

1- 1. Just One Name

2-1. Chris [Redacted] [Redacted]

2-2. Create interactive entertainment and tell stories for people to listen and laugh along with.

2-2a. Storyteller

2-3. Border Collie

2-4. In kindergarten I had trouble communicating with people I didn't know or trust (i still not very good at it), and this lead me to never raise my hand to go to the bathroom, and i was yelled at one too many times for just getting up to find the restrooms myself. Everyday around 2P.M. I would pee my tiny shorts while sitting quietly in my tiny chair, until one day 2P.M. struck while the entire class was standing in a line turning in a worksheet the teacher had us do. So I pissed my pants standing in front of the whole class in front of my teacher's desk. The teacher yelled at the close and then yelled at me making me clean up my own urine in my still wet pants, while I cried.

2-4a. Urine Weeper

2-5. White Hot Spoon

2-6. Writing

2-7. 12

2-8. Desertion

2-9. Drowning

2-10. Drank a Coke

2-11. Dancer

2-12. Plasma

2-13. Fist

2-14. Cancer

2-15. Humorous

3-16. Macready

3-17. Shining

3-18. Pleasures

3-19. Mural Lymphatic Endothelial Cells

3-20. B-52

3-21. Slowly tear the tops off 100 thousand muffins and flatten them into roughly the height of cookies with his bare hands, while wearing a turtle neck, cream colored pants, and a read and green polka dota and frilled apron.

3-22. Destroy

4-1. Will have the suffix -Man

4-2. No Condition

4-3. Not a clone

4-4. NOT HIDEO Kojima

5-5. Occupational Name

7-1. Storyteller

7-2. Fist

7-3 -man

7-4. Fist Storytellerman

Howdy, I am Fist Storytellerman, and if you're wondering how I got this name, well let me tell you...a story.

I was just another man, but personally I don't identify with the gendered label. I was a person living a normal life down in Texas going Bout my business of delivering good words to the people of our once great nation, stories filled with laughter and triumph, and heartache to entertain and soothe a dying world. Until one morning when i woke up, I found Mads Mikkelsen in my kitchen, wearing MY apron, and destroying a batch of muffins I'd baked for the woman i had married. His bare hands destroying the the tops of the muffins and turning them into flattened bits of cake like cookies. This was a transgression from which no one should be able to recover, no matter how off putting and handsome they may be. I sprang into action, my dancers body became a windmill of fury and claws as I attempted to best the actor who had invaded our lives. As the punches and kicks flew between us my right fist became lodged within the award winners gaping mouth while he screamed "You're nothing more than a tiny Urine Weeper." Fisting the mouth of a great actor was not the way I wished the woman i loved to see me as she left for work, and in my hurried attempts to tell her the story, Mads bit my right fist from my arm and escaped by leaping off the balcony. So, I had a fist constructed of scrap from an old B-52 bomber, and though I can never open my hands again, or stroke the cheek of my lover due to the plasma powering my newly minted weapon I vowed that one day I would find the rogue actor who had taken everything from me, one fateful morning.

And that is how i became Fist Storytellerman...

[favoritenintendocharacterbracket]

Round 1 is Over, and Round 2 is starting up

In round 2 I'll finally use the polls tag. I should've a long time ago

Here's my breakdown.

N beat Mr. Game & Watch, in a battle themed around Black and White

Ashley beats Alear in a battle of A

Frye beats Ayumi

Cynthia beat Mona

Shy Guy beat Mym. I feel like she'd be more popular if her game was more famous

Acht beats Seliph

Susie beat Akari

Bobby beat Noah. I wonder if Noah would teach Bobby how to be an offseer. Of if he'd offsee...nevermind

Raven Beak beat Yunobo

Yoshi beat Elisanne. I think she'd be secretly happy to have met something so cute

Queen Sonia beat Nemona

The Squirtle Family beats Claude

Lysithea beat Matthew

Midna beat the Miis

Timerra beat Xane

Arven beat Karate Joe

Marina beat Acerola

Starfy beat the Fighting Polygon Team. I'll play his game someday

Dimentio beat Zethia

Isaac beat Prince of Sablé

Daisy beat Inkling

Red beat Commander Tarter

Penn beats Captain Rainbow

Stitches beats Midgardsormr

Marth beats Dimitri. I didn't expect that. Maybe I should've used timeskip Dimitri. Maybe in the losing bracket

Capitalism beats Piracy. Tom Nook wins

Dark Pit beats the Great Sage

Rosalina beats Leif

Agent 8 beats the Ice Climbers

Cragalanche beat Starman

Ashley beats Nedrick

Vaati beats Nia. I hope she lasts longer in the losing bracket

Toadette beat Shulk

Queen Sectonia beat Ephraim

Purple Pikmin beats Mr. Grizz

Celeste beats Laxi

Marina beats Cherry, but it was neck in neck

Zelda (Era of the Wild) beat Edelgard

Twink beats the twink.

Lakitu beat Eirika

Olimar beats the Duck Hunt Dog

Shiver beat Dixie Kong

Ike beat Notte

Lucario beat Teba

Meta Knight slays the Waterwraith. Thank you Meta Knight!

Marx beat Ranzel

Lubba beats Kyle Hyde

Fox beat Melia

R.O.B. beat Soren

Xerneas beat Geno

Alm beats Chelle

Admiral Bobbery beats Chrom

Pearl beat Toadsworth

Mario beat Kumatora

Lucas beat Mineru

Galacta Knight beat Hilda. The Hero of another world beat the Princess of another world

Villager beat DJ Octavio. I wonder if he'd move into his town

Bowser beat Louie, proving to be the better villain despite being less evil

Luigi beat Mallow, proving to be the more popular green

Grovyle the Thief beat Mio

Peach beat Pikachu

Kaepora Gaebora beat Morgan. Morgan loves to learn, but even they probably fell asleep listening to him

The Charmander Family beat Sami

Tulin beat Tia

Zelda (Skyward Sword) beat the Talking Flower

Lucina beat the Happy Mask Salemen. I wonder if she bought anything

Toon Link beat Min Min

Captain Falcon beat Mallow

Penny beat Yveltal

Bandana Waddle Dee beat Oatchi

Daruk beat Lola Pop

Lora beat Cleo

Marie beats Ness. Her fans are very passionite

K.K. Slider beats Ogerpon

Callie beats Pyra

Waluigi beat Penny. He's never met Wario's friend Penny I don't think.

Matt beats Takamaru

Pit beats Purah

Urbosa beat Riju is a family? match up

Porky beat Egil is a niche Nintendo RPG villian match up

Revali beat Takumi in a battle of arrogent wind using archers

Isabelle beats Quan