#the people she cares about how much sle loves and wants to protect them. even if this involves getting her hands dirty

[laugtherhyena]

What are some things you do and don't like about kizuna.

Oh wow that's a fun question!

I think what first brought my attention to Kizuna was the way she acted through the main story of Dra before the actual murder plot because i just found her to be such a funny character, she's like the kind of awful person type character that i've always found really funny to watch in media, a dumb moron that says and does whatever she feels like doing (almost on impulse a lot of the times) without thinking much about it and eventually gets what's coming for her because of it.

This was pretty much all i thought of this character for a good while, even when her FTEs were translated i didn't put that much thought into them back in the day. It was only when i got back into the Another series last year that i really started thinking about Kizuna in a more in-depth manner and i think the turning point that made me absolute adore this character is how aware she is about her actions, how she knows what she does is wrong and expects people to dislike her for it yet sticks to her instincts because that's the only way she was taught how to go by in life, (i made this whole other post about that a little while ago) and after that my liking for this character grew bigger and bigger.

She's a terrible person? Yes, no doubt about it, but a tragic one at that because Kizuna is not an awful person by nature, she was taught to be one. A lonely girl that pushes away the things she genuinely wants to have (real friendships with people who aren't after her solely for her looks) in favor of lying, manipulating and abusing others for her personal gain because that's what will actually get her somewhere according to her own mother and the environment she grew up in. Which becomes even sadder when you remember she never actually got to live beyond those toxic habits since the consequences of her actions brought her to the grave.

Now the second part of this ask is a little harder to me because the few things i dislike about her aren't about Kizuna herself, just Kizuna adjacent things because there's really nothing i dislike about the character herself (obviously not in a "i condone her actions" way) . One of those things is how in her final FTE Yuki apologizes to Kizuna for "being too harsh on her" and like,, no, buddy, you had every right to do that, this girl SUCKS.

And the other, bigger, thing is actually the one thing I dislike about Dra chapter 2 which is how Kizuna is treated in the later half of the trial. From the moment the cast finds out about her real intentions and sees that Akane isn't the actual killer Kizuna pretty much stops being trated as a person who lost her life in a slow painful death and just becomes a piece of a puzzle while the focus is shifted entirely onto the Ayame and Akane part of the tragedy, which i get needed time to shine too, but this always bugged me a little. Yes, Kizuna is the antagonist here, but she was still the victim of the case and as much as i adore Ayame Linuj's insistance in sidelining the horror of Kizuna's death in favor of painting her in a good light, even going as far as calling her "a saint" in her character profile, just rubs me the wrong way.

[aconitum-genus]

Self-Preservation

Strap in my lovelies because this is a XXL rant:

I work in a retail store that sells skateboard products, clothing related to said skateboards, snowboards, jeans, t-shirts.. you get the idea. We even offer to grip and/or build the skateboard in store for absolutely no charge.

Now I’m not complaining about the store. I love working there. I want to eventually work in their corporate office, but my heart broke yesterday.

We are a commission based company with regular hourly pay which means that sales are SUPER important. Every month, we are expected to be above the average set at the beginning of said month and I, being the competitive bitch I am, always strive to beat everyone, but something happened that turned my stomach.

There is this guy named Steven (not his real name; privacy reasons). He is best friend with my manager, Nathan (again not his really name). These two guys have known each other for YEARS and act like they are practically brothers. I though nothing of it when I first met him on Black Friday. He seemed chill, relaxed, and always trying to make people laugh. The second time we worked together something had changed. He was abrupt, cold, and was acting like I wasn’t really there.

No worries, I thought to myself! He probably doesn’t know me, but every shift was the same. I just didn’t understand what I had done. Did I say something? Did I act a certain way? I was really confused.

I gave up on my proagitive of trying to gain his acceptance and just aimed to be cordial around him. That didn’t work so well. If some of you don’t know, I have Lupus SLE. The most basic definition - “Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE) is an autoimmune disease. In this disease, the immune system of the body mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. It can affect the skin, joints, kidneys, brain, and other organs.”

The symptoms that I was having were the following:

- Muscle and joint pain

- Migraine

- Hot then cold

- Nausea, can’t eat at all

- Super hungry, like I can’t get enough food

- Tingling in wrists and cheeks

- Ache in left arm

- Left wrist pain

- Lower and upper back pain is always present

- Hands and feet feel cold

- Heart racing or beating out of my chest

- Chest pain

- Tietze syndrome

- Pain on left side of body

- Cracking or crunching sounds when I move

- Lightheadness

- Fainting spells

- Shortness of breathe

- Fatigue

I’m doing much better now. I’m on chemotherapy and medication that is helping, but no one knew the extent of what I was going through at the time. I mean why would I say that in an interview? People are predujiced. “Why hire a sick person when I could hire a healthy one?”

Anyway, the first incident was when I went to my shift with a cold. Now being on chemo, my immune system is shot so upper respiratory infections are not to be taken lightly. While I was unloading shipment, I felt my airway closing. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it knocking against my sternum. I needed to go to the hospital. NOW.

I grabbed my manager and told her in my low wheezing voice, “Please. *short spurting and wheezing inhale* I need to call my mom. *Another short wheezing inhale* Hospital.” I was holding onto a display table because I could feel the blood swimming in my head. She excused me immediately and my mom took me to the ER where I was diagnosis with a very mild case of pneumonia. If you think that’s bad, look up pneumonia in lupus patients.

That same night, while I WAS ON AN OXYGEN MASK mind you, I get a text from one of my closest coworkers saying that Steven was talking shit. I was confused and asked her what happened? She goes on to explain that he sent her a picture of all work they were left to do because “poor fucking Allison had an “asthma” attack.” I was livid. I told her that I was ER with pneumonia on oxygen. I felt unfairly judged and ashamed of my illness.

I decided not to say anything and just have it roll off my shoulders until I noticed that some of my sales weren’t accounted for. Hmm, that’s strange. I know that I definitely sold that to this person and this one etc. I did some investigating and guess what? Steven had been stealing my sales. This time, I wasn’t going to let it go. I printed up the reports, highlighted the pages along with notes in the margins about what had transpired and took it in to my manager the next day.

“Hey Nathan, can I talk to you?”

“Sure Allison, what’s up?”

“Well, I just wanted to let you know that last night Steven stole two of my sales and one of Yvette’s (not real name, blah blah, you get the idea).”

“Oh well maybe he didn’t see you talking them?”

“I actually went up to him before I took my lunch break and told him that customer X and Y were getting these, but were still looking around.”

He then inquired about Yvette’s sale which he seemed to be a lot more interested in.

“It also made me very uncomfortable when he..”

“Well if you feel uncomfortable, then maybe you need to rethink your position and ask yourself if this job is really right for you. Can you work more than a four hour shift? Can you work a six, seven, or eight hour shift? Plus, you’re both adults and should handle it. There shouldn’t be this negative environment that is being created so you need to ask yourself if this is really the right place for you.”

“I come in whenever you ask me to..”

“But you also leave a lot. I understand you have health problems, but you can’t say that you come in all the time only to leave.”

At this point, I was gritting my teeth. Blocking everything out. I decided then that he didn’t care about helping me, only protecting Steven.

About three months past and Steven and I were tolerating each other until I notice that at $133 sale is missing from my stats. Greattttt. It’s happening again. I printed it out and began writing down exactly what happened. I told my assistant manager about this and she said that she saw what happened. She said she had talked to Nathan before about having everyone come in to talk about this, but he blew it off and said it was “fucking dumb.” I held it in. I waited because I knew that our district manager was coming that Saturday. I was going to tell her because Nathan didn’t seem to take it seriously.

The day arrives and I’m excited. I grab my papers and show her once I arrive. She makes small talk and my dumbass accidentally lets slip that I have lupus. Her eyes widen and I think I’m fucked only to find out that she knew someone with lupus, but she didn’t know about it until they quit the job. I then tell her about the whole predujiced issue blah blah blah and the Steven problem and then head off to my shift where I fucking kill it. In the first two hours, I made over $1,600 for the store. I was loving life because I was impressing the god damn district manager.

I went to break and returned to have Nathan talk to me. I thought oh no. He said that he wanted to apologize for being an asshole for the past two months and that he appreciated me blah bullshit bullshit bullshit. He then brought up the talk I had with the DM about Steven stealing sales. I proceed to give him the document and he said he’d investigate. He then starts to tell me that I crowd the register by looking at my stats constantly and that creates distrust. I told him that I couldn’t trust Steven because this has happened twice already and yet again he proceeds to berate me about my illness and if this is the right place for me. I listen silently while tears rolled down my face. While Nathan was talking, Steven was walking in and out of the room getting items and seeing my tears. After the rant is over he says:

“Why’re you down right now?” At this point, I start bawling.

“Because I give my all for this job. Every single comment or criticism I take as an opportunity to grow. Every lesson that I’m given, I keep going until I pass it. This job doesn’t cause me pain. Some days, I wake up in pain when I’m not working, but I still come in because that’s how dedicated I am to be here. I know that I’ve left a few times, but I haven’t left early since late February.”

Silence.

“I was laying in my bed for two years before I came here and I know that’s not an excuse, but there’s a certain adjustment period. I couldn’t run before because my knees felt like they would give out and break. I couldn’t stand for longer than 45 seconds because my heart would beat out my chest and make me faint. I couldn’t sleep for days because the narcotics weren’t working. I still have those days, but I come in to help and when I see that my stats are going down, it upsets me because I’ve work incredibly hard to be here. I love this job more than anything and I will not quit just because I’m in pain.”

“Alright. I understand. I’ll do some investigating and see what I find out.”

I dry my eyes and hold my head high thinking that I’ve convinced him only to later find out I was gossiped about.. again.

Steven to Yvette,” Time to go steal some sales.”

Steven,” Yeah I think she got in trouble for “telling”. *laughs*

When I saw the messages that my friend sent to me, I felt nothing. I was numb. I knew then that I was never going to let anyone know what was really going on. Never let anyone know if I was in some much pain that I would pass out until I collapsed on their floor or that I was not getting the sales that were mine. I hid back into myself and made the decision to go to work the next day being as happy as fuck. I would continue being this way so if there was any drama, they wouldn’t be looking at the girl who never complains.

I decided to preserve myself from getting hurt any further, create a persona, and only focus on my goal. No one was going to fuck with my livelihood. I’d make sure of that. If they do, I’ll fucking destroy them.

[muachronicle]

Happy Labor Day!

Happy Labor Day!

For some, this holiday signifies a much needed three day weekend. For others, it tells us that summer is unofficially over and we should start drinking pumpkin spice lattes. Few of us truly know the origin of Labor Day and I’m here to tell you it’s not all about the deals. On September 5, 1882 protestors marched down the streets of New York to advocate for labor rights and worker protections. At this point in history, the average American was working six days a week at 12 hours a day. This was the catalyst that began to change how we think about labor in America.

On September 3, 1916, the Adamson Act was passed, establishing that a full time employment schedule would be 8 hours a day for five days of the week. After this, the first Monday of September became Labor Day to remind use of the battle for work-life balance. It is a time to commemorate self-care and mental health in relation to the work we do. So on this long weekend, I hope you take up meditation, go shopping, or do something else that can ease your soul before heading back into your work life with gusto.   

If you’re couch surfing today, shop some of the brands on this list, which were founded in and are still being manufactured in the United States. I’ve highlighted some of the greatest products from each brand for you to shop easily from this site. These were chosen carefully for their formulations, their feedback, and popularity (continuous spray sunscreen with antioxidants and light floral scent, yes please).

If you shop retail, just remember to be nice because retail associates have to work even longer hours on Labor Day due to the influx of sales. Oh, the irony!

Check out this list of American-made beauty companies and remember to support your local communities.

This list is by no means inflexible or exhaustive - companies are always changing leadership or new brands are being founded. If there’s a female-founded brand you love that hasn’t been mentioned, comment below!

* product photos courtesy of respective brands.

Bliss

Based In: New York, NY

Bliss launched in 1996 as a premier skincare brand used and sold exclusively in spas. Last year, they rebranded everything about themselves - new labels, entirely new formulations, and a new range of prices (nothing over $25). With the recent shift in consumer behavior we’re seeing educated customers and demand more transparency and less harmful fillers. Their website claims that all of their products are “PETA-certified, cruelty-free and blissfully-free from parabens, phthalates, SLS, SLES and other bad stuff you don’t want on your skin or body”. If you have any questions about their ingredients, you can check out the brand’s Ingredient Glossary.

Juice Beauty

Based In: San Rafael, CA

Juice Beauty has been featured on this site many times before and it’s with good reason. When Karen Behnke started the brand in 2005, she knew that she wanted to create natural and organic beauty products without compromising on luxury. This was the first kind of line to hold such high standards across the board and set the standards for every natural brand that would follow. The team at Juice Beauty has worked with PhD level chemists as well as physicians and microbiologists to guarantee the greatest caliber of formulation in every product. The goal was simple, to make products that would not only do what they promised but have, at their core, antioxidant and vitamin-rich organic juice (hence the name). The brand and its products have won many awards and caught the eye of Gwyneth Paltrow, who collaborated with the brand and made it the first one sold on Goop.

Pacifica

Based In: Portland, OR

Another brand to launch in 1996, Pacifica has looked at natural beauty in slightly different terms than its colleagues. It was all about making natural and organic beauty all encompassing (body, skincare, makeup, and fragrance) and always accessible. It’s currently sold in stores like Target and Ulta with no individual product being priced more than $30. In addition to formulating clean and sustainable formulas, Pacifica has partnered with Preserve to recycle all of its containers and protect our oceans. With this program, you can send your empty containers in a pre-paid envelope to Pacifica and they reward you with 100 loyalty points. You can also accrue loyalty points with every purchase you make. 

Mario Badescu

Based In: New York, NY

We’ve all seen the face mists and bi-phase pimple creams that have made Mario Badescu social media famous. The brand, which was founded in 1967, saw a resurgence brought on by the influencer age. Mario was born in Romania, just like his fellow entrepreneur Anastasia Soire, when he came to New York to practice giving European style facials in his eponymous salon. It was in his small apartment that the dream of a product line was realized. The use of his products during facials for celebrities and the New York elite catapulted Mario to become a household name. While some products in the line have flared up in controversy lately for being irritating to some skin, the ones I’ve chosen to highlight had flocks of diehard customers when I worked at a beauty counter.

Dermalogica

Based In: Carson, CA

In 1983, Jane Wurwand brought her UK aesthetician techniques to the United States. She quickly set up the International Dermal Institute (IDI) to educate others on the technique, an education that is one of the most respected to this day. In 1986, the Dermatologica product range came alive. The UK has always been more strict with the ingredients it allows into beauty products and it comes as no surprise that this was the attitude that Jane brought to her line. Formulated without common irritants like lanolin, SD alcohol, mineral oil, artificial colors and fragrances). Not only is the brand certified cruelty-free from both PETA and Leaping Bunny but they are almost completely vegan. They have also pledged to have 90% of their packaging be recyclable or bio-degradeable by 2020. 

OPI

Based in: Sanford, North Carolina

The popular nail polish brand did not have a linear path getting into salons. It started out as Odontorium Products Inc, making dental supplies when it was bought by George Schaeffer in 1981. He was then joined by an artistic director by the name of Suzi Weiss-Fischmann and together they worked with a biochemist to create an acrylic nail system that George sold door to door at salons. As the brand continued to grow, they began manufacturing their nail varnishes to be sold to salon professionals in California. What allowed OPI to flourish is their partnerships, working with a variety of entertainment and business accounts to create collaborative collections that have included Coca Cola, Ford Mustang, and a variety of films and TV shows. Over ten years ago, OPI reformulated their polishes to remove the chemicals DBP (dibutyl phthalate), formaldehyde and toluene, harmful additives that have been used in nail varnish formulations for decades. In 2016, it was announced that OPI’s new owners (Coty) would move manufacturing of the polishes to the North Carolina factories - making it still American-made and hinting at its massive upcoming expansion.

Stila Cosmetics

Based In: California

In 1994, makeup artist Jeanine Lobell created Stila to bring her innovative products to the masses. The brands’s lipsticks were first packaged in paper tubes - something that no other brand was doing and before the current sustainability movement in beauty. The brand was also the first to bring lip palettes and cream blushes to the market. Even though the brand was acquired by financial tycoon Lynn Tilton in 2009, the integrity that they bring to each product has remained. This was evident when the brand ceased selling their products in China in 2018 due to the fact that the Chinese government’s requirement of animal testing did not align with the company’s values.

RMS Beauty

Based In: Charleston, SC

Rose Marie Swift has also been featured in many a post. Her crusade to change the conversation and ideology around “clean” beauty has launched a thousand ships. It took her own personal health scare to educated herself about the ingredients in common cosmetics products. Exposure to certain ingredients regularly over time (Rose Marie has been an in-demand makeup artist for decades) led to them compounding in her system and making her ill. Once she began her education, she went on to educate those around her. Ten years ago, this knowledge was funneled into RMS, the cosmetics line that had high standards around the non-toxic state of their ingredients without compromising on any luxury. The brand continues to grow and expand while Rose Marie continues to change the conversation around ingredients and formulations.

Coola

Based in: Los Angeles, California

Chris Birchby moved across the country in search of waves. The longtime surfer moved from Long Island to Pasadena, California for graduate school where he achieved an MFA in design. It was when both of his parents were diagnosed with melanoma that Chris rethought his future. He began working with various labs in Los Angeles in order to formulate organic sun protection products that would be effective for athletes like surfers and the average person and anyone in between. Once his parents recovered, he also traveled the world to research people’s habits when it came to sun exposure and protection. In 2007, Coola was born and places integrity just as high as sunscreen. The organic (some with added antioxidants) products are made sustainably in a “Farm to Face®” philosophy that guarantees to be non-toxic to its users. Coola also sources ingredients locally whenever possible to bolster nearby communities.

Enjoy the long weekend responsibly (use sunscreen)!

Cover photo by Victor Lozano.

[tusouthafrica]

Coming out in a ‘Rainbow Nation’

Esther Moila’s parents used to think she would “come to her senses.” After she came out as a lesbian in her teenage years, they held out hope it wouldn’t last. Her parents took action, forcing her to grow her hair long and buying her nice dresses — a sharp contrast from her usual T-shirt and athletic pants. They even attempted to arrange her marriage to a man from the Congo.

Moila’s parents adopted her from Kenya when she was 17 years old. She suspects her father, a pastor in the Alexandra township of South Africa’s Gauteng province, adopted her specifically with the intention of converting her.

“I had to live my life pretending to be something that I’m not, for the fact that I’m a pastor’s kid,” Moila, 21, said.

The more Moila resisted her parents’ efforts to change her, the more they berated her for her decisions. They told her that by dating women, she was refusing to serve God. They told her she had to set an example for the rest of the congregation. They told her that her sexuality would attract the wrong kind of friends.

“It has been so difficult for me,” Moila said. “It comes to a point when it breaks me. I think, ‘They don’t love me.’”

Moila’s experience coming out and living as a lesbian in South Africa — dubbed a ‘Rainbow Nation’ by former Archbishop Desmond Tutu after Apartheid came to an end — has been challenging in many ways. South African LGBT people often experience discrimination from their family members, friends and even passersby on the street.

“We get so scared what’s really going to happen to us,” Moila said. “Most people don’t really love seeing lesbians and gays just chilling. They become violent.”

The laws

The end of Apartheid brought democracy to South Africa for the first time, and with it came new laws to ensure the protection of LGBT people. Many considered these laws far ahead of their time.

The Constitution of the Republic of South Africa, adopted in 1996, was the first in the world to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation in its Bill of Rights.

Over the course of the next decade, the South African LGBT community won additional legal battles, like overturning sodomy laws and gaining new adoption and health care rights. In 2003, it became legal for South Africans to officially change their gender on government documents. Three years later, South Africa became the first country in Africa to legalize same-sex marriage.

CHART: How do you describe your sexuality?

But LGBT life in South Africa is paradoxical, said Jay Matlou, a master trainer and health officer at the South African LGBT rights organization OUT.

“In South Africa, we’ve got the most amazing, progressive laws that protect LGBT people for being who they are,” Matlou said. “But when you get to the ground, those amazing, progressive laws aren’t necessarily translated.”

At OUT, Matlou works as a counselor for LGBT people. He also leads various campaigns to provide resources to LGBT people and educate South Africans about sexual orientation and gender.

Matlou said LGBT people face two great challenges living in South Africa: physical and verbal violence and poor access to public services.

“When you try to go and access a health care service, we have research that shows that some people get denied services, or some people get treated badly because they’re LGBT,” Matlou said.

“Victimization is a very concerning thing,” he added. “Generally, South Africa is quite a violent society...because of what the country’s been through. We’re quite a young country, in terms of democracy. We’re only about 25 years old.”

Matlou said that while it is challenging to be homosexual or bisexual in South Africa, it can be even harder to come out as transgender.

“Trans issues actually are where gay issues were about 20 years ago,” Matlou said.

Matlou suspects that the gap between South Africa’s progressive LGBT laws and its culture comes primarily from a lack of education. Even with the emergence of an educated and more progressive younger generation, the older generation — raised during Apartheid and largely unaccepting of LGBT people — lives on, and inhibits progress.

With every accepting member of society in South Africa, and with every legal triumph for the LGBT community, there seems to be another act of violence committed against an LGBT person.

“It’s a two-steps-forward, one-step-back kind of thing,” Matlou said.

‘Why can’t you support me?’

Last month, Moila dislocated her shoulder playing soccer. To her dismay, the injury took her out of all practices and games. Her team, the Bluebirds, would have to play without her for a full month.

When she got hurt, Moila’s partner, Carolyn, temporarily moved into her apartment to take care of her. She helps her accomplish everyday tasks like cooking and cleaning.

In September, Moila and her partner will celebrate two years together. Their anniversary comes on the heels of a recent proposal — Moila’s partner bought the couple matching gold rings with each other’s names engraved on the inside, symbolizing a lifelong commitment to their partnership.

Their relationship, though lasting, has been far from easy.

“My girlfriend’s mom, she’s homophobic,” Moila said. “Sometimes I tell her, you just need to choose your mom over me. Let me be by myself.”

“But at the end of the day, you realize you love her,” she added. “You just have to push through until the right time comes.”

Walking on the road in her home township of Alexandra, Moila is often stopped by men who demand her phone number or taunt her by saying, “You know you’re a girl, right?”

If she’s not careful in her responses, the verbal abuse can become physical.

“You either ignore it or something happens,” Moila said. “It becomes so painful when we see our brothers, our sisters, being killed, being raped, being violated, just because of who they are.”

“Some people hate you to such an extent, they’ll really show it,” she added. “They’ll throw stones at you when you’re walking. Why? Why do that to me?”

CHART: Is same-sex sexual activity morally wrong?

The worst part, Moila said, is that her parents have never protected her from the abuse.

“People, they talk so badly about me, and you took me in knowing I’m like this,” Moila said. “I feel like, now you’re going to let people crucify me with their words?”

“I want to bring a woman home,” Moila added. “That’s it. Why can’t you support me?”

Sometimes, young lesbian girls from Alexandra will approach Moila and ask her for advice: When should they come out? What do they tell their parents? How will their sexuality impact their lives?

“It’s so difficult when they ask us questions,” Moila said. “Because even us, we’re still facing that. I don’t want you guys to face the same pain I had, because the possibility is that you guys are going to be disowned, you’re going to be thrown out of the house, because of who you are.”

“I don’t know, it’s difficult,” she added. “It’s really difficult.”

Living in secrecy

Recently, Shawn Sohab found himself digging through boxes of old memorabilia in his childhood home. In his search, he found a letter from his mother addressed to his uncle. The letter was written more than 20 years ago, when Sohab was just a child.

It was mostly small talk — Sohab’s mother wrote that her family was doing well. Each of her five sons was healthy and happy.

But Sohab, she wrote, was “a bit gay.”

The letter took Sohab, now 32, by surprise, because to this day he has never formally come out to his mother. He’s brought partners home to meet his family, but he always described them as close friends or roommates.

“When I read it, I was like, ‘Oh, she knew all along,’” Sohab said.

During his childhood, Sohab said his mother thought he had “bad spirits” inside him. She sought help from their pastor, who performed two exorcisms on Sohab while he was still a child.

“When you try to come out, coming from a religious background, you will be told that gayness is a sin,” Sohab said. “They believe that I’ve got a demon, that that’s not me.”

“When I was growing up, when I came out, I remember I was fighting my feelings because of church,” Sohab said. “I saw a whole lot of people being gay-bashed, people being exorcised, a whole lot of things happening to them when you start saying you’re gay.”

Outside his church, the unfriendly culture for LGBT people persisted. On the streets of his home township of Soweto, Sohab faces constant name-calling. To him, it feels like once people know he’s gay, they stop taking him seriously.

“When you say you’re gay, they put a stigma to you,” Sohab said. “They see you as a half-human. … When they know about your sexuality, they see you as a lesser man.”

Sohab said younger people usually accept his sexuality. He faces more discrimination from older people and people from rural areas. It’s common for people from rural areas — even other countries like Kenya and Zimbabwe — to move to Soweto for work, at which point they have trouble adjusting to the diverse culture of a city.

“When they come here, they come still with that mentality of them not...accepting the minorities of the bigger cities,” Sohab said. “They want to bring that element they grew up with from the rural areas and bring it here.”

There are many LGBT people living in Soweto, Sohab said, but discrimination often forces them to live their lives in secrecy. This makes the Soweto LGBT community look much smaller than it actually is.

Sohab said there are three stereotypes of gay men in Soweto: the “feminine” gay men, who are completely honest about their sexuality and most likely to face violence and street harassment; the “macho” gay men, who are slightly more secretive about their sexuality, and the “after-nines,” who pose as straight men in society but have sex with men after dark.

“There’s a whole lot of men who are sleeping with other men, but because it’s not normal in society, they hide it,” Sohab said. “You’ll find that they are married, they’re having kids, but they’re still sleeping with men.”

“A lot of people, they’re scared of the stigma,” Sohab added. “If you’re a businessman, and they hear that you sleep with men, people are going to start changing and stop supporting that business.”

Sohab identifies as a “macho” gay man. He hasn’t come out to his family, and he prefers to keep his sexuality private except for his closest friends and his romantic partners.

“Most of the time, I even tell my friends, ‘When you introduce me, or when you talk about me, don’t say, ‘my gay friend,’” Sohab said. “I’m not your gay friend. I don’t sleep with you, so don’t use that term. I’m Shawn. My gayness is when I get romantically attracted to somebody. That’s when my gayness comes out.”

“At the end of the day, I’m Shawn. I’m a man. Take me like that.”

A lonely journey

Angelo King was 14 years old when he dropped out of school and started to experiment with drugs. He used cocaine and ecstasy regularly, and he used prostitution to fund his addiction.

“I think it was a means of escaping the reality that you’re living in,” King said. “At the time, it was the thing I needed to do to survive.”

It’s no coincidence that age 14 — when King first began to experiment with drugs — was the same year he came out to his family as transgender. He told his mother that he intended to live the rest of his life as a woman.

“I didn’t really have a support structure where I could speak to someone about how I was feeling, and because of that I just made poor decisions,” King, 40, said. “The reality is that the homosexual lifestyle can be very lonely. I think as human beings, we all just need someone to be there. It’s not the same for everyone, but my journey was very lonely.”

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King hoped he could fill his loneliness using drugs, sex and prostitution. If he had more support from his family and friends, he still wonders if he would have turned to those outlets in the first place.

He reached his breaking point in 2009, when he was 32 years old. His excessive substance use ended him up in the hospital, “half dead,” and the doctors told him they could barely revive him.

“Because of my habits and the bad decisions I’ve made, I almost died,” King said. “I needed to make a decision of what I would do, carrying on as a person.”

King asked himself: “How do I stop using? How do I take my sickness away?”

To maintain his sobriety, King felt he needed support from his friends and family. He returned to the gender he was assigned at birth and abstained from sex entirely. Since 2009, King has lived his life as a man — but it hasn’t been easy.

“The struggle is real,” he said. “It’s there every day, in front of your face, you have to make a decision.”

“It’s one of the biggest challenges in my life, trying to avoid this,” King added. “It presents itself all the time.”

Moving forward

Sohab believes that slowly but surely, the culture surrounding LGBT people in South Africa is changing. When he first came out, he said he lost friends who refused to support him.

“Since I lost those friends, a lot of them are coming back because they can see that I haven’t changed,” he said.

About three months ago, Sohab met a man named Oscar on social media. Oscar is from South Africa’s Free State province, and the two have been in a long-distance relationship for two months. Oscar often visits Sohab in Soweto, and the two spend long weekends together.

Sohab still hasn’t come out to his family — or told them about Oscar — but he feels comfortable with himself and his new relationship. Sohab hopes his comfort is reflective of growing acceptance of LGBT people in South Africa.

“For this new generation, we are now having a whole lot of gay people emerging, especially with this young generation,” Sohab added. “You’ll find that a lot of people are living their lives very freely here.”

“We have those that are supportive,” Moila said. “Mostly it’s elderly people that don’t really accept it. People our age, young people, they engage a lot.”

Moila said she feels most comfortable with her sexuality around the men on her soccer team. There, she’s found a group of guy friends who are “really supportive.”

“You feel like, ‘Oh God, at least for once, there are people who really understand me,’” she said.

For King, a new support system has emerged in his life since he entered his sobriety.

“My mom is happy with the choices that I’m making now,” King said. “I think we’re closer than we’ve ever been.”

In the back of his mind, King said he knows this support exists because he no longer identifies as a woman. Still, it’s a comfort to him that his family members, friends and colleagues now accept him.

Although Moila’s family still doesn’t accept her sexuality, she’s excited to continue her life with her partner.

“At the end of the day, I fell in love,” Moila said. “If you really know what you want, and what’s your main goal, you’re just going to have that one person, where if I’m dying, we die together. At the end of the day, we’re going to build our future. We’re going to build our nest of love and be together. That’s it.”

“I’m dreaming big,” she said. “Even if there are no people there to see that.”

Writing and photos by Michaela Winberg.