#the other part of me is the kid who didnt speak much till 7

[sunfloralchaos]

On being told you're too loud, too emotional, too much - either directly or indirectly and getting stuck having to unlearn the urge to just disappear as a result

[disappointmentofthefam]

Love? Love. (part 3)

Andy barber x reader

author's note:im so tired only death can fix me

.....................

Andy woke up early the next morning.

6:00 a.m.

She smells so good

6:04 a.m.

God the way she looks away when she's all shy and cute

6:10 a.m.

you wore those shorts on purpose yesterday, didnt you?

6:45 a.m.

His hand is stroking his morning wood over the sheet.

it's wrong its wrong it's so so wrong

but it's her.

her. her on her knees.

"look at daddy, sweetheart,look at me while i ruin you," she looks up at me, mascara running down her bambi eyes as she drools around my cock.

"feel good,baby? you like being daddy's little cumslut? like it when he uses your mouth? I bet your little pussy is dripping just by sucking on daddy's big cock"

she. fucking. moans. around. it. FUCK!

Andy's hands speed up, vigorously rubbing his fat, hard cock, beads of precum spilling from the pink head of his cock.

i pull myself from her mouth, "youre such a filthy little girl," I take ahold of my cock and slap the sticky head on her cheeks "no,no baby, tch tch,"

"open your eyes, look at daddy"

FUCK! the image of you looking up at him with those teary eyes while he slaps your cockdrunk face with his meaty head is too much for him. With a few more strokes,he cums all over his hands, stomach and sheets, a blissed out smile on his face as he turns to the bedside clock- 7:25 a.m.

less than 12 hours till he gets to fuck see you.

AND LESS THAN AN HOUR TO HIS COURT HEARING!

He rushes to get ready and leaves the house, thankfully reaching just in time.

........................

y/n wakes up and immediately wishes she hadn't.

as if it wasn't bad enough to try to kiss the man who lived literally opposite to you, but she also had to go to his house 5 days a week.

"you're a big girl, y/n" her friend's voice comes through the phone, "so what? you misread the situation and tried to kiss him, no big deal."

"NO BIG DEAL?" y/n screeches into her pillow, "the first time I come onto a man and HE LIVES LITERALLY NEXT DOOR WHAT WAS I THINKING"

The rest of her day, she is plagued by the thoughts of Andy.

9 a.m. Physics class

wait, what if he was trying to kiss me back

11 a.m. Math class

No,he wouldn't.

1 p.m. Lunch

but would he?

........................................

6 p.m.

All day Andy has been in an unfamiliarly pleasant mood, he even brought flowers as he left his office unusually early.

lillies? no, I think she's more of a tulips girl. But what about sunflowers. And now that I'm already at trader joe's how about condo-

CALM DOWN! fuck fuck fuck! you'll only creep her out.

7:30 p.m.

Andy is fuming.

his gritting teeth, his fingers tapping impatiently on the steering, the low murmurs from his lips, all can be heard despite the clatter of the traffic.

Y/n ,on one hand is relieved

well, one less awkward rejection

on the other hand, her mind is working over time.

what if he is intentionally ignoring me?

what if he thinks I'm a loser-college-freak who kisses and becomes obsessed with any guy who is nice to her.

what if, her breath hitches, what if he has a girlfriend

Jacob notices the sudden stiffness in Y/n's body, "Are you okay y/n?", He asks with his eyebrows pinched with concern.

"Oh! yes, yes I'm alright, all fine".Y/n smiles.

After a few more minutes of studying, Jake suddenly speaks up, "You know, dad was really happy when you came over yesterday,"

y/n's heartbeat quickens,"What do you mean, jake?"

"Well, I don't know,but I've never seen him smile like that."

"Like what?"

"Like...." he pauses for a moment, "Like you know how sometimes as a little kid, you get lost in the grocery store. You can't find your mom and you get scared. But then you see her and she was over there the whole time, picking out your favorite chocolates, and you run upto her,your smile is the biggest ever"

y/n giggles at Jacob's absurd metaphor but then again, he was quite mature for his age.

"so am I the cashier of the grocery store in your little metaphoric world?"

"no ,y/n, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you were the smile on my dad's face"

"Jacob....."

The sound of Andy's car pulling into the driveway catches their attention.

Andy enters the house, 3 bouquets in his hand.

"Dad," Jacob smiles knowingly "who are those for?"

Andy's eyes try to find y/n's but she is looking at the floor, her breath obviously a little heavy, her cheeks flushed.

Andy ushers Jacob out of the room,"Come on, young man,take a break from all that studying."

y/n still isn't looking at him.

Andy settles down on his haunches before y/n and holds her chin between his thumb and he forces her to look him in the eyes.

"hi, angel"

"hey, Andy" The way she slightly shifts in her place on the sofa doesn't go unnoticed by Andy.

He picks up the flowers, "didn't know which ones you liked,so i tried my best three guesses."

The contrast of his dominant presence and the tenderness of his actions makes y/n melt into a puddle as she sheepishly plays with the collar of Andy's crisp white shirt.

"The sunflowers, Andy. I love them."

Andy picks the yellow bouquet and places it on her lap.

"I was correct,sweets," he rasps out, their lips mere inches away.

"well,technically, you were only 33% correct", she laughs.

"Well, I have got to shut your smart little mouth up"

With that Andy pulls her into a fierce kiss.

He rises onto his feet, pulling her with him.

The kiss is a perfect mix of y/n and Andy, teeth and tongue and smiles and small licks.

Their bodies were as close as they could be and it still wasn't close enough.

y/n pulls away first, out of breath and dizzy from being drunk on Andy's lips, only for Andy to chase her lips again.

"If it wasn't for the flowers, I would think you were trying to kill me, hogging practically all of my oxygen", she pants but smiles nevertheless.

"well if it wasn't for tutoring, I would think you came here just for me. did you sweetheart? did you wear this cute little dress just for me? "Andy tuts her again as she tries to hide her face into his chest, "look at me while I'm talking to you, baby."

y/n looks up at him and fuck is it a sight to behold.

Pupils blows out, her lips pouty and her lipstick slightly smudged, her flustered gaze as a small smirk forms on her lips, "are you accusing me of trying to seduce you Mr. Barber?"

"yes"

"well, maybe you're right, I wore this dress just fir you," she pauses as she feels his hands pawing at her tits.

"go on," Andy says with a smug smile.

nuh uh Mr. Barber, I will not go down with out a fight,

"In fact, i did everything for you today. I put on makeup, wore my pretty heels, painted my nails, didn't wear any panties....."

The look on Andy's face is pained and he looks almost on the brink of losing control, "really?

y/n gingerly pulls one of his hands from her chest and slowly traces it up her thigh, "see Andy? why don't you check it yourself."

Andy slowly inches his hands towards her pussy when the sudden sound of the doorbell makes them jump from their places.

Andy pecks and bites y/n's lips, "Give me a sec."

"No,you cant answer the door like that"

"like what?"

y/n shyly eyes the bulge in his pants,"like that."

"shit! sweetheart, could you do it?"

y/n opens the door to a woman.

she looks around her early thirties, aroundAndy's age, she's thin and her brown hair are tied into a ponytail.

The woman gives y/n a pointed look.

"Hi, I'm Laurie, Andy's wife."

[anonymousflubber]

How Not to Keep an Eye on a Lion Cub

--------------------------------

-Leona was off sleeping in one of his usual spots while Ruggie was left with a tiny visitor that he was in charge of keeping an eye on. -

-------------------------------------------

"So. You're a prince huh?"

Ruggie questioned as a tiny red-orange haired lion cub was doodling on some of his History homework. It looked like he was drawing a giraffe but Ruggie couldn't remember the last time he saw a pink giraffe in the savanna.

Cheka smiled and nodded as a response to the Hyenas question. 

"Yep! Papa says I'm gonna be the king one day and rule over Alllllllll of the kingdom!!" 

When saying this the cub made sure to sit up and stretch his arms as far as he could to somehow show a physical representation of his future kingdom's size. 

Ruggie chuckled. He's surprised that the kid wasn't as annoying as Leona made him out to be. Of course he talks a lot but somehow Ruggie feels compelled to listen.  Maybe it's his instincts to listen to royalty. Even if that was it Cheka was surprisingly good at speaking and telling stories though most of them were about Leona...man does this kid not hang out with anyone else?. 

" I'm guessing you've been taking some sort of classes to be prepared for this right?" 

" Mhm. They aren't fun so i like to hide in the garden and play with the fishes in the pond till the guards , papa , or Mr. Zazul finds me." 

Ruggies ear twitched at the unfamiliar name.

"Mr. Zazul?" 

"He's like papa's helper. I don't really know what he does but i know he loves doing it. It's really fun when we play tag!" Cheka stands so he can demonstrate what playing tag is like moving side to side and tagging the older Hyena. "Whenever I tag him he sounds like he squacks its hilarious! I get in trouble if i get caught though, Mr. Zazul doesn't really enjoy playing…..i really wish i had someone to play with when Uncle Leona isn't around."

 The cub plopped back down on the floor, his face growing sad. 

This is bad usually when kids get sad they cry right? Ruggie doesn't know if royal kids are different then the kids in the slums. The most he knows is that Leona rarely shows any emotions other than being angry or annoyed and Cheka is the Complete opposite! 

The hyena thinks for a bit then remembers what always cheered up the kids he took care of in the neighborhood. He stood and picked the tiny lion up. 

"No need to be sad bud you got me right now!" Ruggie lifts and turns Cheka in different ways when in the air as if he was an airplane causing the lion cub to burst into laughter, his tail swishing around in excitement. 

"So what do you wanna play? Tag? Chess? Hide and go find the sleeping leona? Pin the tail on the big bad wolf?" The last game suggestion caught Jack's attention who was working on homework nearby but he quickly ignored what was said and got back to his work.  

Cheka stopped laughing and began to think about what game he'd like to play. After a few seconds his smile grew when he decided on what he wanted to do. 

"Hide and go seek!" 

Ruggies ear twitched and he sighed.

"You sure you don't want to play Hide and go find the sleeping leona? 

"Im sure" 

"You 1000% sure" 

The cub crossed his arms and gave Ruggie an angry look which kinda resembled that of leona….scary how these 2 are related…

"Fine i give in we will play hide and go seek" 

Chekas normal smile reappeared and he squirmed out of Ruggies grasp plopping onto the floor. 

"I hide you seek!!" The cub stared at Ruggie waiting for him to cover his eyes. 

Ruggie didn't see any problem with this choice...and he also didn't know if the prince could count to 10..so he covered his eyes and began the countdown. 

What he didnt think of was how sneaky the cub was after his eyes were covered. Cheka snuck out of the dorm as quick as he could and went on an adventure to do who knows what. 

"3...2…

..1.. ! Ready or not here I come!!!" 

The hyen uncovered his eyes feeling confident in his finding skills as he strolled around the savannaclaw common room looking under pillows or behind couches. 

The cub seemed to be a pretty good hider…"I wonder if Leona taught him some tips" Ruggie began to think. 

A minute went by...then 2...then 7..Ruggie still hasn't found the little lion even after searching the whole dorm..3 times! 

Oh no. 

He lost the prince!! 

Ruggie sat on a couch trying to think of where he could have possibly gone. What if he never finds him? Will he get arrested?? Is this treason????? No. No that doesn't make sense. All he needs to do is stay calm and ask around. 

So he does just that! 

Ruggie goes to the cafeteria first knowing that by now the cub could be hungry….what if he starved to death how long can a prince go with no food?? Leona eats a hefty amount but Cheka is so small what if he's shriveled up into a raisin due to dehydration. 

This was supposed to be a simple , easy game that requires little effort in taking care of a child. Not a game of where could this very important prince be and is he hurt cause leona will kill me if the child gets as much as a splinter. 

~ 1 hour later ~

"Where could he be…" 

Ruggie ran through almost every part of the school he could get into and found 0 traces of the future king. He was starting to give up and decided to head back to the dorm and ask for extra help even if it meant using some of his lunch money to persuade some students. 

As he entered the dorm he saw something he didn't expect. Something that made his smile take up his whole face. 

Cheka! He was there asleep on a couch no angry leona nearby he was safe!!! 

The hyena jogged to the tiny cub and looked over him making sure he wasn't hurt or dead. Thankfully there was no scar in sight. 

Now Ruggie could relax, maybe take a small nap until Leona finds his way back. He decides to do just that closing his eyes and laying back his usual smirk on his face and his ears twitching every now and then. Once he got nice and comfy. Arms propped behind his head he opened his eyes to look up at the ceiling and think about how great he did. 

One problem..

When he opened his eyes he didn't see the usual plain tan ceiling. What stood before him was the 2nd prince himself...Leona Kingscholar with his usual angry scowl. 

"H-Hey Leona-san" 

"Hyena." 

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Stay Safe (Early Years)

Summary- 3.7k Curtis Everett x Y/N. Curtis is appointed by McGregor as second and preparing for the McGregor Riots. Traumatic almost Non Con event described. Written by request for @that-damn-girl​. Thank you so much for your love of Curtis babes. This is a complete rewrite, I have another version that I might post later as a “this could have been what happened between these two” lol.

Curtis sat among the men, his back braced against the wall, listening. They were collected to hurry to Gilliams, which could only mean one thing. McGregor got word somehow about the next part of the plan, for the revolt. The revolt they been planning for the past two years, Curtis had just been allowed to join McGregors inner circle, and now he leaned forward to see a map of the train cars and McGregor had his finger on one. "The water car. This here is where we gotta get past. From what this map says, there is only one water car.” 

Curtis scanned the map, but it was so dirty and worn, it was hard to tell what else they were looking at. It seemed a good portion of the front end was sleeper cars, entertainment cars. The middle, working class. They were growing food, making goods, and what also looked like hospital cars. Then a few storage cars and finally water. It made no sense to Curtis why they would have the water car so far back, just before the prison. Shouldnt it be near the front?

“Okay, so we go take the water car, or get past it?” Another member asked, shrugging. “Its like 7 cars to get up to the water car. How much further do you want to go McGregor?” Absently McGregor scratched at his beard, thinking. “What do you think Gilliam, make it the goal to get up to at least these food cars? We need it, desperately. They been halving our rations for some time now.” 

“Tactic to weaken us.” Gilliam sighed, rubbing his face and leaning forward slightly on his cane. “They know were gonna feed our children first. Weve already proven that ages ago.” The mans rheumy eyes glanced at Curtis, who looked away from the gaze.

Curtis’s placed his palm against his arm, easily feeling the scar through the fabric of his jacket. Most everyone... The guilt of his actions in the past flashed across his face momentarily before going back to his cold demeanor. Clearing his throat, he spoke up. “Where did you even get this intel anyways? Does anyone know if this map is accurate?”

“Its accurate, I paid dearly for this, and lets leave it at that.” McGregor gruffly stated, agitated that he would be questioned. Curtis quieted his questions as McGregor continued, laying out the rest of the plan. Which was simple enough. The ones in the first row would charge the meager amount of guards who did the daily head count, and get a hold of there weapons. Keep one alive, that was the important part. They needed his accessibility to open the doors. “Remember, Keep at least one alive, prefer two though. Just in case.” He stressed to all of them. “Not a word to anyone either. This will all stay hush until were finally ready.” 

“When is that gonna be?” Curtis decided to question again, and Gilliam this time answered. “Its almost new years, and there will be more activity back here.” The whole group groaned. Every year Minister Mason brought the tail end boiled eggs, and did a long winded speech in several languages about how Wilford was the divine and merciful. “So after we cross the bridge and do the tail end mockery, we will start.” Gilliam rubbed at his face. “Okay, leave me now. I need to rest.” 

With shuffles the people started to filter out, when McGregor stalled Curtis from leaving, leaving just the three men left in Gilliams space. “Curtis, we needed to speak with you specifically.” McGregor said, and Gilliam nodded in confirmation. 

“What?” Curtis asked, his brows arching in question. 

“Im tempted to keep you from going son, simply because if something happens to me, I need you to take up this cause.” McGregor tapped on the map. And Curtis shook his head in confusion as to what he is saying. 

“I dont understand, nothing is going to happen, were going to make it to the food cars.” Curtis stated with conviction. 

“We probably will, but we also need to be realistic here Curtis. If we dont get that far, there needs someone to take right over and keep this up with Gilliam. Getting the people out of this cage is the most important. I know your young son, but people already respect you. Your cool headed and smart, I know I will be leaving it in capable hands. And its just a precaution. Plan B.” McGregor explained. “And no one but Gilliam knows, so dont go mentioning it to anyone.” 

Curtis nods, still trying to process, and he looks between the two men. “Im not sitting this out, I refuse to. Weve come to far to sit it out.” and the two other men shook there head. 

“We already figured you refuse to sit out, but your not gonna be in the very front in that initial charge, your going to bring along the rest until we at least get enough weapons in hand.” Curtis was glowering already at this news and before he could say anything, Gilliam said sharply. “Curtis its already settled. You will do this cause Im asking you to.” 

Blue eyes that were enraged shut down at those words, and he gave a nod. Turning, he ducked out, stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets, lost in his thoughts as he weaved around the people doing there usual activities. When a holler caught his attention, and lifting his gaze, he saw you with a whole pile of kids racing down the aisle. Grabbing one into a hug, your tickled him and he squealed, making all the kids twist back like a flock. They all tackled you, and you mocked scream, tumbling out of sight into a bunk with them. His worries temporarily set aside, he made his way down to where you all disappeared. 

“Y/N, you still alive in there?” He ducked down enough to look in, and your hand shot out to grab ahold of his, which he pulled you out, your face flush with laughter, and you grab a hold of his coat to steady yourself. “With those little hellions? Never... they make me so proud, I raised them to be ruthless.” Giggling while you are still trying to catch your breath and you wag a finger in the bunk. “You all better be hidden when I come back.” Hooking your arm through Curtis’s, you pull him away, still brushing your hair from your face and smiling up at him. 

“Where you been all day?” you questioned as the two of you walk away from the bunk, and the kids scramble out to go hide away from you, you glance over your shoulder to take notice where they are headed, not that there was many options for them to go. As long as they werent disturbing other people to much. Turning back to Curtis, you tilt your head to look up and study him, his face was clouded and agitated, you could see where he was tensing his jaw enough to tic, something was certainly on his mind. 

Giving you a side ways glance, he gave just one word and then it all clicked for you. “Gilliams.” Of course, not that you were exactly privy to it, but you heard the whispers making there way through the train. It was like a match sparked being thrown on gasoline, snaking its way among the people, giving them all hope, and restlessness. Already you seen a spike in your parents clinic of people getting into mild fights. Dabbing away at the cuts and scrapped knuckles, warning them to keep clean as possible cause infections set in so easily. 

It was a ignited fire that was only getting hotter with time. 

You press your shoulder against his to drag more words out of him. “What else Curtis?” He looks like hes about to say more, working the words up from his chest, his eyes sharp in there resolve, and before he can open his mouth to fill you in, McGregor comes up from behind, and clasps Curtis’s shoulder in greeting. “Hey you two, coming up to the front soon? They are about to hand out protein bars.” A look, one that you very well caught, passed between them. An uneasy feeling sinking in your chest. 

“Yea, we will be headed up soon.” Curtis snaps a bit at him, and you wrinkle your brow at the odd interaction. Curtis watched McGregors retreating back, and tugged you lightly off to a small cubby, you stumbling into the out of the way place between the pipework that crisscrossed in the space between some bunks. “Curtis? what is this about?” 

“Listen to me Y/N, shits about to happen. And its gonna be just what youve been hearing. Im sure you and your folks will be part of clean up, but promise me you wont leave this car till weve made it through, okay?” Curtis’s eyes searched yours looking for confirmation, anything that you were going to listen to him. A slight nod is given, and you pick at your hands before reaching out, and fisting your hands in his jacket.

“Dont fucking get killed either Curtis, promise me that, okay? I know your going to insist on going.” So matter of fact, you knew your friend, he wouldnt be able to live with himself otherwise. You watched him for years punish himself for his desperate acts in the past. That fear that anyone would hold it against him, the way he grasp at his arm when he thought it was all to good for him. You knew, Curtis still hadnt forgiven himself. 

“I wont, I promise...” Fake promises, he couldnt look you in the eyes when he said this, no one could never know if they will return once they leave this car, but your look made the man ache in his chest. How he wished he could bring back that smile you had on just minutes earlier. You shined, a softness in all this hellish darkness. You have been there for him since the beginning, you came right out of that darkness from where you were hiding with Mat and fell to your knees, trying to stop the bleeding where he tried to cut off his arm. Curtis didnt even know how to react that day, when you at 13 showed more compassion then any of the others did, then he did. Your eyes wide in your fear, and yet you refused to pull away from him “Its okay, you dont have to do this, see?” Your words still echoed through him. 

It just continued, always you were piecing him back together again, seeking him out to wrap an arm around him when he missed human touch, making sure he felt you vibrate against him in your laughter when you leaned against him, your grin seeking his to flutter for a moment on his lips, teasing voice singing his name.The times your tears soaked on his shoulder, your hug rattling in his hold as your sadness penetrated the anger. When did it all really matter that much he held onto you like a life line? His life line. At some point for him, you crossed that line as just friend. And he felt it blossom through him with a heated desire he never felt before. What would it be like.... to have you as truly his? Forever his? You were just to good for the like of him. He would be a dark mark on you,  scrubbing forever to rub out his stain. 

Curtis didnt know how it happened, but in that moment, he had to know. Had to know if you were just as soft in his arms as you were strong, and his hands moved to cup your face, your cheeks fingers pressing back into your hair, and that was just what he imagined, silken tendrils wrapping around his fingers. You went wide eyed in those seconds, and yet never pulled away as if he was scaring you in any way. Your eyes softened for him, and when he pulled you in closer, your head tipped to meet him. That first touch, a soft press of lips was innocent sweetness, soft brushes of lips and breaths. 

Your innocence certainly made him continue forward gently, a tilt of his head and soft nibbles on your lip, a press of his tongue made you open in surprise and he let that kiss deepen. You were clumsy in it, always a little behind, but Curtis led you with encouraging strokes, the whole sensation dragged out a moan from you, a flush of your body pressing into his. His hands tightened slightly in your hair, and breaking from you, his forehead leaning against yours with soft pants shared between you. No you werent his, but what he wouldnt give for you to be. He was still trying to calm the fire you laced through him in that kiss. 

“I promise... I will come back Y/N” Crystal blue eyed promises now, and you accepted it far better this time, your lips still tingling from the contrast of soft kisses and brush of bristling beard, to his tongue filling your mouth, laying claim to you as his. 

But havent you really been his for a while? Even when you didnt know it, he was your safety, your dark guardian. 

Always looking out for you, protecting you.  

Drawing your way out, you are sure to slide the curtain closed for your patients privacy, and start making another round to see to other people, chat with them, just see if they need anything in general. You dont notice the wandering eyes following you, weaving through the people till you got to a quieter part of the tail end. You didnt notice, not until its to late when an arm shoots out in front of you, making you pause momentarily as it blocked you. “What the... Eric, what do you want?” You try to duck under his arm, but the mans grasp on your arm pauses you. A glance his way showed a handsome young man, blond locks curling around green eyes, that glinted coldly at you, and he firmly without any choice of your own backed you against the wall. “See youve been playing little home nurse again Y/N”

“Just helping mom and dad, can you please let go?” You try tugging your arm from his grasp and his other hand came up to your face to trace the curve, obviously not ready to loosen his hold, for whatever reason you would clam up around him, your heart fluttering and your breath quickening. Some would think it was innocent attraction. But it was more fear of what he would eventually do to you if given the chance.

“When you going to let me kiss you huh? I dont see why you keep fighting me on this.” He hovered closer, his breath washing over your face and you wrinkle your nose at it. It was hot and sour to you, you tried to pull back but there was no where else to go, so the back of your head would thump against the cold metal wall.

“Im not, I dont want to and you cant change my mind.” You wriggle once more trying to get him to stop digging into your arm. “So how about you go find one of the other girls? I know there are plenty who want to be with you.”

“To easy, I rather like the one who denies me” His voice dropped deeper, making you panic sightly. His eyes, you hated the way he would stare at you, following you from wherever he was, like you were a prize to be had. "I figured it's about time I change your mind about it though." You strain out of his touch on your face and go to push against his chest to stumble him back.

"I said no! Fuck no would I ever be with you, let alone kiss you" you snap at him, turning to leave, put distance between you two, back in a crowd. Eric was to coward to try to anything with people around. He snarled though, wrapping an arm around you.

Effectively he pinned your arms helpless and your back against your chest, falling back harder then you expected, making you helpless, his hand clasped over your mouth, effectively muffling any protests you had. "What you think your to good for someone like me sweetheart. If your good enough to get Curtis's dick wet, think you can mine as well without this much of a fight." Your eyes widened at his words. I haven't, were not, stop!... Just friends, you think in as your panic is washing over you, and he manipulated your head to fall back to his shoulder, you try twisting out. Then he pressed his face in your neck, and bit you, what started as a sloppy kiss turned into a bruising bite, yelping at the shock of pain and you try kicking him hard enough in the leg behind you to drop him. The tread of your boot slid down the inside of his leg, and he pushed you away from him to crash you against the trains wall, hard enough to bounce you off, making you groan from the harsh impact.

Erics hand whipped you around, effectively pinning you with his body. No way to leverage a kick again, and hands pinned your arms down to keep from attacking. "Fucken shit head!" Your voice raised into yelling at him, where was everyone? It was eerily quiet and no one around, he smirked at your struggles, dawning on you when you saw how turned on, felt how turned on. That foreign bulge dug into your belly. "Keep struggling Y/N, just makes me hard for you, so cute thinking you don't want this."

"Your vile Eric, like those front end pigs" nothing but disgust dripping from your tone, trying to hide your fear. But he knows, it just widens his predatory grin knowing your words were masking the fear coursing through your veins. His lips hovered so close, mocking tone as he brushed them barely against yours, as you tried tilting your face away. “Come on Y/N, just one little kiss for me. Do it and I will let you go.”

You glare at him and spit, right in the fuckers face, it runs down his eyes and nose, and you smirk at him as he starts cussing and wiping his face on his sleeve. “You little fucking cunt whore! Nasty pig think you can get away with that shit?!” His hand releases you and goes to hit you when a grasp catches his wrist, wrenching it back. Both yours and Erics eyes go wide in surprise, and you see Curtis glowering behind him, firmly twisting Erics arm hard, then harder again he snarls out. “She sure as fuck is gonna get away with it. I think she told you no”

Curtis jerked Erics arm further and a crack was followed by Eric screaming and letting you go, you slid away from his grasp, Curtis jerking him forward to take where he had you pinned before. They were evenly matched in size, but Curtis had him crushed between his body and metal, his face distorted as you glanced up. It struck you in this moment just how opposite these two men were. Curtis never once raised his voice in the time youve known him,but he had to raise above Erics squealing out in pain and anger. “When a person tells you no, It fucking mean no. You owe Y/N an apology.” He pulled Eric off the wall, and kicked at the back of his knees to drop him in front of you.

Curtis loomed over him, his arm still firmly twisted up between his shoulder blades, and growled in the mans ear. “Say it, or Im going to wrench it right off your body.”

“Im sorry!” you could see the effort it took Eric to say it, but Curtis clearly wasnt satisfied.

“AGAIN!” This time he really roared, Eric cowering a bit, and remorseful, he started again.

“Im sorry Y/N, I promise to never touch you again!” Curtis glances at you and nods that its okay, he had him firmly and you stepped forward, grasping the mans hair, and tipping his head back.

“Touch me ever again, or ANYONE on this train, your dead, do you hear me Eric? I will have no problem watching you die, either by my hand or another. Am. I. Fucking. CLEAR?”

“Yes! god yes, just let me go, it wont happen again.” Eric pleads, and you step away from Eric, and circle around to Curtis’s side. Shoving him harshly away, Eric rolled to a stand and clutched his arm, racing away as fast as he could. The coward, would probably make up some lie to cover face when he made it to your father to reset the arm. You stood next to Curtis, still fuming. Your fear from earlier forgotten, now you were just enraged watching where the coward disappeared.

“Hey, he aint gonna try messing with you again.” Curtis let his hand rest against your shoulder, looking down at you.

And thats what Curtis always did, he never expected more from you, not a thank you, not any kind of favor. He simply needed you to be safe, that was all he ever asked for from you. It was something that you could give him, he so desperately needed. 

You lick your lip, they are still swollen from the kiss, and you blush just a bit at the memory of his mouth on yours. He tipped his head, letting his thumb brush lightly on your cheek and he moved to kiss your forehead. 

“Thank you for that Y/N.” and you shifted in closer to press your face against his chest, your arms sliding around his torso, just holding him, memorizing this feeling right here, cause your first kiss, shook the words right out of you. 

You didnt know what would happen in the days to come, but you knew that right now, things between you two changed, having finally crossed that line. 

Tags-  @jtargaryen18 @what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @p8tn0lish @stardancerluv @princess-evans-addict @patzammit  @that-damn-girl @curtisbbq @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @thatweirdwalangpake

[bibbleboo]

Could we get some headcanons/more background on Abbey and Doyle’s kids? 🥺👉👈 I love the premise of this AU

YEEEEE (im just gonna ramble a bunch about the backstory i have so far but ill put it in bullets so its easier to follow lol i apologize for it being long as fuck-)

OKAY SO,,, first of all,,, doyle and abbey timeline,,,, [i am looking respectfully]

in this au, they get back together and have a sort of ‘lovers pretending to be enemies’ chaotic on again/off again hookup thing off to the side just between the two of them thru like Most of the final season, they try to keep it a secret (especially doyle who doubts the saturdays would be hAPPY if he was seeing her again) but in the end, saturdays ofc find out, probably are unsure about it at first, but she gains enough of their trust to be there for the big finale battle in the weird world mansion.

when shit goes down and argost becomes the vessel for the two opposing kurs (regular kur, and the anti kur from zak monday) and they like. explode his matter or w/e, i imagine instead of kur just completely disappearing, the ‘anti kur’ gets shot back to its universe, while original kur gets forced into a new vessel in this universe... the closest of which happens to be the unborn child abbeys unknowingly carrying. basically, what if the two kurs just LOOKED like they evaporated but actually did what happens when you try to like tape two same sides of a magnets together and they YEETED-

So thats how we have Parker, their firstborn daughter! and this... also implies ‘Parker Monday’ exists which. 8^) i havent thought about yet so forgive me on that but hoo, 

they dont know parker is kur, they got no idea and rly just assume kur is gone for good. but after they find out abbeys pregnant (which is a huge emotional trip for both of them in its own right) they do eventually sort of agree they dont want their kid exposed to that whole world of mystery. like, ik its a vital thing to the whole family, and ik these two people were probably voted least likely to ‘settle down’ in high school, but i cant imagine they didnt escape the kur/zak situation without a LOT of trauma, so while the saturdays stay in the cryptozoology field, doyle and abbey slowly pull away from the mystery and mercenary stuff, and also instead of going for big dollar lifestyle settle with ‘independently wealthy’ parenting.

also, neither of them really . grasp the concept that theyve even started a family, and are ‘together’, and that this is REAL, until around when she gets pregnant with their second daughter, Kendall. and then theyre like. oh nooo wait are we actually like boyfriend and girlfriend EWW-

when kendall is born parker is 3, and the next like 10+ years are pretty smooth sailing. as far as what the kids know/see, they probably know the cryptids when theyre little but. (tw animal death sORRY TO BE DARK I JUST??????) idk,, how long komodo dragons live/how old komodo already is and i definitely dont know Anything about giant prehistoric birds and am not even sure if science knows that lifespan, so. im not sure how long they could really be in each others lives??? i almost imagine parker would have memories of them that she assumes she remembers wrong, like “oh yeah they used to have a lizard and a bird... my imaginative little kid brain thought they were a komodo dragon and a dinosaur”, and as for fisk im still working on it but i . actually kind of imagine he might have a much longer lifespan (since lemurians are like ancient or w/e? and also if hes by dna like a gorilla cat or w/e gorillas at least live long af) and also feel like once he got older and settled down a bit he might live somewhere in the woods, maybe even his old tree? and the saturdays see him ALL the time obviously, but hey zaks gotta go to college eventually, a gorilla cats gotta eat bugs in forest, we all have to grow up and leave the nest sometime,

so idk the last time parker has actually seen fisk and she might assume he was an imaginary friend or smth but, 1. if i do write a fic they absolutely have to meet again, 2. overall the vibe is they know the saturdays are cryptozoologists, like, the same way josh gates does destination truth, seeking answers and studying, they dont really. know that theyre REAL. to them its like, a hypothetical science. (this is also part of why they dont realize parker is kur, she isnt around cryptids and therefore whenever her powers would actually show up they wouldnt be recognized) anyways parker isnt embarrassed or put off by it but just thinks its a little wacky, meanwhile kendall is obsessed with the world of mystery/paranormal/cryptic lol

speaking of the girls personalities;;;

parker is like. not really normie/preppy, even if she seems it at first glance, shes nice and has a good head on her shoulders but also is a teenage girl (inherently unhinged) and shes THEIR teenage girl (+5 feral) so despite her success and charm shes also very witty/crass when she wants to be, and deep down shes closer to the kind of person that would on pure inexplicable instinct put something random in your mouth when you’re yawning so you bite down on it afterwards. or like. that video of the girl singing in the bathroom while her friends curl their hair and she grabs the curler to use as a microphone before realizing its burning hot??? shes. the voice of reason, but the voice is usually shrieking in fear, making a cursed joke, or half the time whatever shes saying is actually smart. she kinda wants to go to college and travel, but struggles with indecisiveness and anxiety, so she has no idea where to go, what to major in, etc. and is again kinda just livin thru the typical teen life in that regard

kendall on the other hand is like. weird kid culture, the kind of kid that believes they are secretly a new supernatural creature each year (mermaid phase, werewolf phase, alien phase, etc), probably completely accidentally starts cults or witch covens at school (didnt realize teaching peers how to become ‘blood brothers’ and ‘make potions’ from puddles and stolen school supplies would be taken so seriously by parents) , very into emo/scene/punk/alt culture but not rly in an overtly dark/edgy way, more of a having fun and expressing self way. she wants answers for everything, really loves mysteries and being open minded, and definitely a rebel/adventurer at heart, even if she gets naive or in over her head sometimes.

the girls get along well! parker is not dismissive of kendall she just. isnt really into the same stuff/is more freaked out by it most of the time, but she would tag along on certain adventures, especially if it was to keep her safe. and kendall definitely directs gentle mockery towards parker a lot but does see her as a good role model and guiding figure, their bond is really strong!

other details !

doyle and abbey prob decide to say fuck it and get married after kendall is born, they probably have a few rough patches but nothing is more important to them than the kids now and in the end they understand each other better than anyone else so . canon tension idk her! family ftw! power couple! they intimidate the teacher during parent teacher conferences together hand in shady little hand !

their parenting style is exactly what one would imagine, 70% fun and sass and controlled chaos where theyre the bigger children than their children, 15% ‘this is how you hack the government and dual wield swords-- i was not supposed to teach you that im sorry’, and 15% actual guidance / emotional depth / etc. flaws might be overcoming their own immaturity for the first few years, and then being lowkey overly protective (while claiming they arent, but just bc you semi jokingly tell parker she should join the football team doesnt mean you dont actually hide 60% of ur life from her and check that her bedroom windows are locked every night and have 24 people listed in her school emergency contacts and used to cut up her food till she was 7 and-)

so abouT THE BABY BOY (Phoenix), 1. his middle name is leonidas bc im gay and i love emotional turmoil babes , 2. fully unironically the idea behind such a late pregnancy is abbey would be mid fourties when hes born right. so like. [has two kids] ‘ok birth control time’ [when theyre teens many years later] ‘ok im old enough to stop taking this’ [the hyperfertility curse that plagues many women rears its ugly head with one last hoo-rah]

and finALLY a very quick elevator pitch of what id write an actual fic to focus on;;; kendall sneaks into the attic to look for old shit bc they BOTH know their parents have been hiding stuff over the years, she finds things like a cryptopedia (now offline), the claw, maybe even a piece of the kur stone, and ropes parker into the long haul of figuring out what all this stuff is. and ofc the second they ever find the naga relic and parker comes face to face with it, [rest in rip] time for mom and dad to find out and all this kur shit to start ALL over again-

[fluffi]

i think it was because god's menu was released around the same bp and svt made their comebacks. same thoughts tho on gm > bd and i was also glad that bd got the wins gm didn't. and same with the streaming mvs while studying : ] ahh, the easily distracted people we are. (reading cut and litol font bc poor ppl who see this on the dash TT)

i've heard chinese ballads (usually osts of films and from a chinese friend) and their songs really tend to tug on my heartstrings. i hope sm gives shotaro more stuff to do soon :[ with some of the units being active and sungchan being an mc on a weekly show, it makes me wonder what he's doing. do you think nct will form a new subunit?

no, i'm not lactose intolerant so it really took me by surprise. it was a one-time thing. hopefully it doesn't happen again. i can't really say i'm a big fan of ice cream but it's good occasionally yk as a treat to yourself. and ahhh, i miss drinking smoothies. my favorite stall has been closed for nearly two years now, idk if they ever re-opened since our city mall burned down :[

i think it's an nct thing? it's why i never get tired of them bc they're always active in a way. you should've seen how things went down last year! march 127 album, april dream mini-album, may 127 repackage, june wayv album and the whole nct 2020 thing. it was a wild year. about the track, i listened to it once and forgot about it. might give it a few more listens but it might not grow on me at all. yes! wasn't a big fan of hot sauce at first too bc i thought the intro was weird (not jaemin's part, like the first thing that plays). and yes, that hook loops in my head 24/7. i even made it my instagram bio.

stray kids world domination indeed! and i agree that their performances were really impressive (specially the deadpool one, best one yet) but sometimes i would fancy ateez' more. i didn't watch kingdom too bc it stressed me out as a multi. always caught between being happy for one group and being sad for the others. and atz and tbz! you're still getting into nct and you're thinking of adding 19 more boys! judging from what i know your taste in music is, i think you'll like tbz's music better since there are a lot more soft songs there than in atz. but do give both discographies a listen in the future!

oh izone! i've only heard of them at music shows and dance choreo compilations bc of them being in sync. they're really satisfying to watch! i thought their title tracks were catchy as well! quite unfortunate that i never got into them really. but again, i dont think i can handle stanning temporary groups.

i'm starting to see a pattern in your biases :D i wouldn't be too surprised if you'll be drawn to jeno at some point in your dream venture. dream is soooo easy to love so if you really end up ulting them, i would understand why. and also, YES PLEASE WRITE FOR DREAM AND TAG ME IF YOU WILL. THANK YOU ><

thank you! :c don't get your hopes up tho, the masterlist must've been interesting to browse but are the fics truly worth it? XD i think not. since you already know koe, i'm reccing users @/rouiyan, @/nsheetee and @/loonacitys. i don't have that much fluff in my ficrecs blog. i think, i've heard of lvdsc before (maybe even read a fic or two) but i can't find their blog now. be careful in privating your works, you might end up losing them forever if you don't keep track of their links...(?) that's what happened to the works that i privated :/ take me with you if you move blogs ;n;

seungmin frequently left updates abt what he was doing, left good nights and good mornings, the occasional i miss you. he called fans 'baby' once. not sure if it was a mistranslation, or really just a one-time endearment. other than that, nothing beyond the usual. seung vlives always make me cry ;n; he always look so adorable and precious. also the gif, the fic was more on fake head-butting really but yes you could say it was also a fake nose boop bc it sounds cuter. i'll make sure to tag you on future seung content on the dash. (time to officially claim him as your ult, yes. dont make him secret anymore :3)

sorry it took me a while. tumblr went batshit. the ' werkl;' stopped working midway and i got busy with school yesterday. also haechan birth today and i'm so emo abt it. it's literally just a boy turning 21.

little font and cut saga lets go!!

(just kidding, i cant do little font typing for long periods of time, makes my eyes go beserk haha.)

true true, im afraid for txt on music shows now because theyre going against some big names (literally bts like whatj jsdf what was hybe thinking). yeah, streaming mvs while studying aka watching mvs on loop lmao. i still want to stream skzs final kingdom performance on instinct but i remember that theyve already won!! hehe

ah chinese ballads always make me emo, i like to scream out lyrics to the songs at the top of my lungs and sit there on the verge of tears. its a cultural thing maybe *sobs*. ooh, what show is sungchan mc-ing in? ill check it out. i thought sm would make nct japan for sungtaro (i heard sungchan speaks japanese) so it was a shocker when they made...nct hollywood lmao. given the current circumstances we're probably not going to get a new subunit anytime soon :( hopefully taro will have stuff to showcase during that period of time.

burned down?? oh my, what happened to your mall? that sounds terrifying. i remember when the front of my school caught on fire and we were all ushered out but we thought it was a drill and didnt find out till years later lmao.

oh true, since theyre such a big pack too. constant comebacks and promotions haha, nctzens never catch a break with 23 members. i listened to the new track again (ive forgotten the name already) but i cant- i cant do it. its just not my style hhh. i rewatched the mv for the godly visuals though. i dont know if youre talking about that 'bibididibibidiododo' part by that female morphed voice at the beginning of the song, because i wasnt a fan of that too. it grew on me though.

same, actually! im not an atiny and dont stan any other group in the show besides skz but i watched each groups performance and ranked them haha. at times ateez would rank over skz, it was wild. also yeah, my other multi friend was freaking out about kingdom and ended up abandoning the show because she was so scared of the fanwars and having to deal with her 'conflicting feelings'. about the stanning thing, in my defense, i have a list of groups i want to stan and ive recently added tbz and atz. the list is long, i have a long way to go! also yeah, i dont prefer ateez's songs and i have a bunch of tbz title tracks in my playlist but if i approach their discography like i did with nct then i think i would like at least five songs.

izone are my queens. theres a reason why theyre the only girl group who made it to my ult list haha! super talented and filled with variety and visuals, a perfectly concocted group (literally, sobs in pd48 scandal). ah, temporary groups. yeah i cried about their disbandment for like 3 days straight, it was bad.

a pATTERN?? INTERESTING. DO ELABORATE. jeno, oh my gosh hes like bang chan. an intimidating-looking bear whos actually filled with love and softness on the inside. im currently having a jaemin run though, his make a wish fancam is doing some wacky things. also yeah, dream is really easy to love. i fell for them so hard, theyre all talented and cute and adorable and the team ambiance is so nice. really rising up my stan list now. i mightt write for dream! ill have to see, hehe.

personally i think the fics are going to be worth it. i can feel it in my boOOnes. ooh, recommendations! fun :D ill check them (and yours) out after i finish this 30k jisung fic. ive been trying to finish it since yesterday but i keep getting sidetracked. also, i made a mistake. its luvdsc with a 'u', maybe thats why you couldnt find it? ahh. thank you for the privating tip though! will keep in mind. and of course ill take you with me if/when i move blogs. we're friends now! <3

SEUNGMIN CALLED STAYS 'BABY'???!!@)(@#*()! I SHOULDVE BEEN THERE ASKDFJDF. im exciting for the fake nose boop drabble!! i love soft couple moments hehe. also yeah maybe its time to make him my ult...hes going to have to compete against jake my beloved ope.

dont worry about being 'late' or anything! we all have our own stuff to do. also yeah tumblr is weird asf sometimes. if you havent realized i typically answer longer asks around the same time everyday, when i get to sit in front of my computer and pull out my clickity-clackity keyboard. super relaxing.

AND YES HYUCKIE DAY!!! HES SO ADORABLE HONESTLY. im in love with all seven members of dream, my fic rec blog is currently filled with fics for them haha.

[elmalo8291]

I am catholic  because I walked across the street at 5 years old and I like the idea of confession,but I have been to Christian school and believe in the holy trinity I also believe that some religious people preach ignorance as something to strive for that asking questions is wrong that is wrong if we dont question the powers that be we are hurting our young and there no all our future.the bible was written by MAN inspired by god as he inspired all religions wait before you condemn me think with an open mind lol I know that God against what alot of are taught about our religion but how meny atrocities were done in the name of keeping questions from being asked and tell me that god wanted it that way.The bible was by mam,Men with flaws and a need to bring order to there tribes learned men who knew all the religions that came before Sun worship etc. And god spoke to them in whatever manner he did be it burning bush observation of nature of the world and men in it if so then who's to say what agendas inspired these men other then god for we all know men passed down the need to keep women from gaining the power they had before they were over thrown likes the hebrews that overthrew the Egyptians, keep man from killing man ,keep man from stealing from each other keep there tribes from chaos and since god the one god who inspired all son worship every religion who took from it which is almost if not all religions by creating the galaxies and universes and everything in it in 6 days and one of rest that means science and everything that it proves or disproves again science by it's very nature is ever changing with our understanding of it not that there isn't facts dont go off the deep end.if the equinox inspired sun worship and in turn that inspired religions is it not right to say that there is only ONE god no matter your interpretation of him.I believe in jesus christ as my savior and that he was the son of god and part of the holy trinity I may be wrong I haven't gone to anyone one church in ages conversations here and there but to say that one religion is right over the next is not in me I will only say that my beliefs fit my culture's sensibilities I am not saying

https://www.instagram.com/p/CBkHMw0nSeO/?igshid=1308qs59axb53

 I am not saying who is wrong only that in the fight to prove who is wrong the book bbq and killings of people did not believe in the body of christ some call it the cookie god again not me just a phrase I've come across or the holy wars all in the name of this right and this is wrong or that the bible says only threw him can you reach the kingdom of heaven and it is the only way good understood only that way but is that way only in one religion or are all religions connected I am not trying to stop trouble in the middle east and I am not the antichrist sorry but talking like this always brings that to mind.I in my rantings have spoken of santrios who I would end the word because I spoke of god intelligent design since my early years at 6-7 Years old,Back on topic I am speaking of this not to be a know it all but because I can not speak to my children and want them to know there father am I educated no not in the sense that I learned this from a set teach or teacher I learned it from life and booke and movie's common sense more then anything.ok really back to topic lol if god wants us all to agree and he is all know who's to say that he didnt give all religions for all cultures to reach but what of the bads ones to that I say which ones the ones making war or burning books or manipulating the masses but the sheep must be cared for tru but why not teach them to not be sheep o sorry right someone must rule and no one wants to rule wolves when it's so much easy to rule sheep... I read the tao te ching as guide to what we should know as common sense not as any close to religion as I would read the art of war to run a army it speaks on what was before we became "civilized" to when we were one with nature and till we reach that spirit of togetherness or world will suffer,I can not forgive a so called group of Christians who targeted my family because of my words and there need to quiet  me pls for the love of god my son's  need me I said my piece again I know nothing i am empty cup if you must prove me wrong bring that fight to me dont use my kids

[smxkeproject]

My name is Loryn Steffens and this is my story..

as a child both my parents were addicts.. my father mike had partys whenver i ws there. he would drink alot and didntreally pay attention to my needs, he had a grlfriendwho didnt like me. my father had anger issues and often took his anger out on me. thru angry outbursts.i didnt know him till i was 4. and i didnt want to know him. he always sent me to his parents house. i felt trapped. i couldnt speak for myself i was scared too. they always humiliated me over there. 

my mothers on the other hand was sweet and caring, loving and kind. but she let her addiction get in the way of her success. she died in 2009 drunk driving accident. i was placed with my grandparents while she did what she had to so my brother and i could have housing with her. my brother moved to my step dads house when i was 7. he was exposed to violence and addiction (alcohol and cocaine abuse more so before and after he moved. my parents would go on binges all the time. 

my grandma and i moved  in 2011. i was diagnosed as passive suicidal disorder, depression anxiety ADD and BIpolar2 disorder at 13 years old. my grandma pushed for medications and i told her that wasnt a good idea. but to humor her and pay my doctors bills i took them. i have a list of all that didnt work. ALL OF THEM. i got my thyroid taken out at 14 because my doctors thought that was the problem. at 16 my father passed away from a gunshot wound to the head. after his death i was diagnosed with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.

i met sage when i was 14. because he told someone to kill themselves. i yelled at him and told him it wasnt right. we started dating in june 2014, he introduced me to “drugs”  at the time my home situation wasnt good. so i started running away. instead of taking me out of my situations the court system put me in cuffs and sent me to jail. sage and i had a no contact order because we got arrested together. the whole relationship i was trying to help him become a better person helped his mom around the house and kept an eye on her kids sage and sawyer, never thought id say i babysat my boyfriend.

thru my years of living with them ive witness violent outbursts from sage and sawyer. saywer wanted to himself because of sage. sage would get very violent with sawyer by verbally and physically abusing him. sage gets his way by stealing and lying.   sage hornsby often took with width drawls out on me but verbally mentally and physacally abusing me. when he found out i was pregnant he didnt have much to say. besides “you should abort that baby” he has punched me in the stomach many times while i was pregnant. and people ask why i didnt leave. because i wanted to help sage become a better person. i couldnt just let him kill himself.  so i delt with the pain. as i progressed with sages mental health mine grew tired. i got depressed. i had anxiety. and thats what he wanted. after jasper was born i isolated us in the bedroom because i was terrified of my baby getting sick and dying.  the abuse continued. he would break my things he would hit me. but he always apologized. i didnt wanna raise jasper in a broken home to put up with it.  doors would slam. sawyer would stomp his feet when he didnt get his way and scream. i remember feeling so bad for them i applied for food stamps so stacy wouldnt stress about being able to afford groceries. she was up to her knees in sages court fines. by this time my PPD had taken a turn for the worst. sage has broken alot of my phones, i lost alot of friends and family because..sage would go out and stay out all night. while i was running on no sleep or food. jasper was a good baby tho. i remember being so depressed sometimes id overdose on painkillers at night. im cry alot because i wanted to die but i didnt wanna leave my son with such violent surroundings. 2018 we moved to bearlake with stacys mom lori and her husband. thats where things took a massive turn. curtis is a raging alcoholic. he would get angry there were people in his house. there was alot of fighting. sage picked up the drinking more. i tried it and i couldnt stomach it. at this point i couldnt eat or sleep very well. sage still hit me at their house. he has told me to kill myself infront of his grandma, his brother. and his mom denies he even said it. 

i broke up with him and moved back to traverse city jasper. i had 3 jobs. working at subway, making music and tending to my son. sage showed up at my house at 2am. saying he wanted to kill himself. he also told me he might go to prison for human trafficking. my dumbass was still in love with him so i tried to help him sober up. he convinced me to let his mom take jasper while we tried to figure things out getting back together ect.  he took me to someones house. i got dosed with cocaine and methamphetamine. i couldnt move or speak. i had journals with me that his friend stole. they ripped pages out of my books. then taunted me. his lover zeb had said him and sage were gonna take jasper and sell him on the black market and sage told my brother they were gonna pimp me out. i sent myself the hospital after sage got violent to my suggestion that he needed help. he threaten to burn my grandmas house down and rape her. he threatened to cut me up and sell my body parts. and he told me he was gonna become an alcoholic and beat the shit out of jasper. i gave him what he wanted because i was scared

april 2019 when we moved to manistee it got worse. i went to AA NA meetings as directed by fostercare. i didnt get any signatures back then because i didnt know i had too. i went with sage to 3 meetings, when he picked up the alcohol so did i. but i didnt drink it. i acted drunk. after sage started lying to me and staying out all night and coming home drunk i started going to meetings on my own 2ice a week. i had nothing numbing my pain. i got offered ketomine by his aunt. i thought it would kill me to i took it. i got a job at taco bout it too. sage let them fire me. then continued yell about how i never did anything.

i cleaned, i did laundry, i tred to help s much as i could. he kept calling me a freeloader and told me to get a job. i tried but nobody wanted to hire because idek why. i was depessed and stressed and tired. endlessly looking for a job. i started selling my belongings so we could afford food.  

i had a job and soemome who made a petty call to it away from me because she couldnt stand the fact her man wanted me. and i can see you laughing at me. and if i had it my way my son would be in my care full time and the rest of those who laugh at my struggles and my pain dont deserve to be in my sons life. i should be able to choose who stays and who goes in and out of jaspers life. i protected that little boy with my life. that should count for something. 

also sense nobody else is concerned but me. sage has history visiting childporn websites as well threatening to rape babies. im not saying its hereditary but as a mom im terrified you would even consider letting any of these people care for my son. ive been sexually abused andassult not just this year but previous years. and people like him make me sick. i thought jasper could have both parents because i was there to protect him. now that im not allowed to watch him 24/7 is upsetting. i have support. i am able to get housing. driving scares me. i have mental disorders but im not crazy.

[fromnatwithlove]

Hong Kong Reflections

#Honestly really so grateful I came on this trip. I feel like i’ve really changed a lot throughout the trip & my life view is also very very different!! This may sound a little exaggerated, but I’m definitely a different person that I was before the trip. Initially thought it would be really awkward and boring, being the only young person and going with yeema, ah yee jane, ahma and gong gong and mummy, but wah i really feel like i’ve grown in the past 6 days than I have in the past year.  HK LESSON #1: Fake it till you make it -- it works.

We all know that we act differently around different groups of people. We seem to take on a different persona, based on what people expect us to be & what they think we are supposed to behave like. For me, I’m very mischievous around my friends, very kind and patient and thoughtful around relatives, yet at home, with my family, I have a very short temper and for some strange reason, I find myself extremely reluctant to offer help to my family members. I never understood the reason why (and I still don’t!) but I realised that, your perspective and expectation of yourself is SUPER important! Small efforts to tweak your mental state and consciousness to pretend to be a certain type of person (e.g. polite, helpful, patient, kind-hearted) will actually help you achieve that kind of character for real. I’ve been so used to being the considerate, patient and helpful kid that I find myself super willing to help my family members at home, even when it’s not necessary to put on a show! So stop believing that your personality traits have to vary with different groups of people, and that, just because you’re short-tempered at home means you’re a short tempered person, that its in your nature and cannot be changed. You can actually just psyche yourself and convince yourself to be more helpful, make mini-mental efforts to not have negative thoughts and basically... fake it till you make it!!! I realised this works for my mom too. She’s usually super impatient and gets angry for the smallest things, but being around relatives forced her to control her anger and like. she can actually do it. We all can do it (be more helpful and patient, etc). It’s honestly just a mental mind game. HK LESSON #2: Filial Piety and Familial Love

There are many little things that say “I love you”, just that we don’t notice them. I love my Ahma so much. I’ve been saying this for so long like 10 years and I always beat myself up for not telling her that but honestly -- there are many things that don’t always have to be expressed in words. Just because I dont say it outrightly doesnt mean that she doesn’t know. I love offering to hold her hand bag, and my favourite feeling is holding her hand to cross the road and when she holds my hand back for balance as she walks, knowing that I’m always by her side and here for her! She’s forever asking if i’m cold and she gave me her scarf. She makes the effort to call me by the right name (instead of my sisters). I remember this particular meal time where, while we were all eating, she kept looking over at my plate to see if I had enough to eat. She would pick up food with her chopsticks and pile them up on my plate, asking me to eat more. I guess there are some things my mom does that I take for granted as well. Every time she asks if I have enough to eat or gives me good food, it’s honestly just cos she’s looking out for me. and I guess i’ve been taking that for granted la. When we argue and I get really angry I always think that I can never get along with my mom and that I cannot stand her as a person. But i realised honestly when she doesn’t get angry we really really get on very well??? which is such a strange feeling for me ahh. And I really honestly am very thankful for my mom cos i know she sacrificed a lot for us and just wants the best for us. without her I would never be where I am today la honestly. and I’m just thankful I guess.  HK LESSON #3: Arguing is also a form of communication

The other day I told Ahyee Diana that Mummy and Jiejie always fight, and she said “It’s normal. Fighting is okay, sometimes it’s even good. Fighting is also a form of communication. It’s better than not talking at all”  If you think about it, fighting with someone means that 2 parties actually care enough about one another to spend time explaining and arguing their point across to the other person, and usually when family’s argue it’s just because they want the best for each other (just that what they perceive as the ‘best’ may be different!) If you didnt really care for the person much you would not waste your time and breath arguing with that person and getting upset or angry over it. In some ways, its actually better than both people giving each other the silent treatment or not bothering to speak to that person at all because they dont care enough. I guess its true that, the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. HK LESSON #4: Believe + Determination = Success Determination is not synonymous with confidence. I know I am determined but I am definitely lacking in belief and confidence! I know i’m always struggling to draw the line between having confidence and having an inflated ego. I guess I dont have the answer yet, but I think BELIEVING in yourself is very important. If you don’t even think you are a suitable candidate, how would you expect others to believe that you are a good candidate??? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!! you must believe in what you are doing if not there’s honestly no point in even trying! That being said, ah yee jane told me about Uncle Yong Chun’s story of how he single handedly created the company and managed its success, even though he was born without a silver spoon. He was willing to suffer and do construction work to earn bits to fund his own local uni education, and eventually he achieved success. He never gave up on himself, never had a submissive attitude or told himself that he is disadvantaged and can never be good enough. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH and you honestly have to believe that! You have so much potential nat! you already have the determination part down you are just missing the part where you TRUST yourself and BELIEVE that you can do it :) :) HK LESSON #5: Grades aren’t everything | The future is unpredictable | Your choices make you

Your academic grades do not determine your future, neither is intellect a guarantor of success and wealth in life. Ah yee Jane was merely working as a clerk, Uncle Phillip didn’t do as well in school as Mummy, Uncle Teck Chee’s grades sucked so bad he had to choose the most unwanted course in poly. Look at where all of them are now. DON’T. SHORTCHANGE. YOURSELF. you have so so so much potential and capability as a person never ever view yourself in a discounted perspective and never ever shortchange yourself. Human beings are amazing and you are a human being!!! You will be able to do great things if you set your mind to it. Honestly, dont let your grades define you because being book smart only works well in the early stages of your life. but HOHO guess what? your early stages in life are over. It’s a different ball game in the working world and it’s up to YOU and your belief in yourself whether you can do it. Never ever think that just because you are less successful now, means you won’t be super successful in the future. The future is so unpredictable! Tables turn and you will never know when your efforts will just all be rewarded all at once :)  HK LESSON #6: Have a Happy Heart 

What’s the secret to happiness? Having a clean heart. One that is free from jealousy and judgement, from insecurities and suspicion. Free from negativity and criticism. Be simple-minded and positive, laugh at everything you see. Laugh at every little stupid story, even if its not funny. Laugh more! smile at people more! Don’t be jealous of people, and don’t feel insecure all the time. Be captured by the things around you and try to find joy in everything. Every time you want to complain, find something to be joyful about and make effort to be less critical and negative in your life. really really just be simple and happy because honestly nothing is more everlasting, authentic and long-lasting than that. Just stay strong and don’t let yourself wallow in self pity. Look at ah yee jane. honestly she could have just fallen into depression after uncle yong chun’s accident, and wallowed in self pity but she’s still so positive and cheerful and hopeful!! she’s satisfied by the smallest things in life and her monetary wealth is not the most important thing to her. 

Be peaceful -- and as JJ said, why get so excited?  HK LESSON #7: There is a reason for everyone’s character flaw, and mistake. 

Don’t be so quick to judge and get angry when others do something wrong. Do not be so quick to make judgement and criticise them, for you do not understand their story.  HK LESSON #8: People love you for who you are No matter what the results are for A levels, your relatives will still always think you are the best and they will love you no matter what. The school you go to does not matter to them at all.  HK LESSON #9: It’s okay to be depressed. People Understand.  It’s perfectly normal to go through hard times. Everyone has their own struggle and no family or person leads the perfect life (with the exception of people like JJ perhaps.) At the same time, speak to more adults if it helps and people actually will understand you! Don’t always think that just bc you had depression means that you’re damaged goods or that you are mentally weak. In fact, if anything you are just mentally stronger for having recovered. At the same time, this trip also made me realise that there’s so much more to life than struggling to meet people’s expectations of you all the time. just care about yourself and love yourself more. The future has so much in store! Jobs, marriage, family, friends -- there are so many people around you that love you so much in fact I feel so awful / queasy and guilty when I think about the nights where I lay in bed and told myself that no one would care if I ever died anyway, because people eventually recover and forget and get over it. SO MANY EXCITING THING LIES AHEAD NAT. As Russell said, the world is your oyster. Go out there and OWN IT.  Overall, Have more confidence in yourself and love more! Sending the future me a lot of love (esp if you’re reading this after tons of rejections and poor A levels results). Just rmb! Your university doesnt determine anything, and nothing is certain in life.