#the other books took me about a month reading off and on to finish aside from the winter solstice book

[babisawyer]

not to go on a tangent but I finished all of the acotar books and I don't know what to do with myself!

[ceesimz]

Who falls in love in November?

part 2 of this, also known as the happy ending everyone wanted :)

Alexia had three days remaining of her time in Menorca after you left. Never in her life had a vacation been so miserable.

Even without you there, her head was constantly on a swivel when she was out, hoping she’d turn a corner and you were there waiting for her. She was withdrawn from social occasions with friends, stuck in her head thinking about how much she wished you were by her side.

But it wasn’t going to happen. It didn’t happen.

And to top it all off, she had no evidence you even existed aside from the book you gifted her, as if you were merely a figure of her imagination. A daydream she didn’t want to come out of. It was simultaneously the best and worst summer of her life, because she had you, and then she didn’t. You slipped out of her grasp before she could do anything about it, and that fact was eating her up inside. 

To be honest, as she boarded her plane home, she had never been so grateful for a vacation to end. She slumped into her seat after storing away her suitcase and sighed heavily, looking out of the window of the place that she currently held mixed feelings about. The whole island was tainted by you and the memories that remained. At the thought, she slammed the window cover shut. It was a pitiful attempt to shove you out of her mind; to be fair to her, it worked for a few seconds. Except, when she reached into her backpack by her feet, her hand grabbed something and pulled it out.

Your book. The only thing that remained of your relationship. 

Relationship? Could it be classed as that? Probably not. But what else could she call it? The greatest mistake of her life?

Since she opened the first page the night you gave it to her, she had probably read the note there a hundred times. And so what if she had traced the curvature of your handwriting with her finger as her eyes burned with tears that night? You weren’t there to see it, that’s the only thing that mattered to her. 

This book means a lot to me, and from all the wonderful things I know about you so far, I think you’ll like it too. We haven’t known each other for very long but I hope that changes because you’ve already had a better effect on me than anyone I have ever met, and for that I am so grateful. Let me know when you finish it.

That last sentence, as well as the accompanying smiley face that was exactly the same as the one you had drawn on another note to her a few days prior, mocked her. She couldn’t reach you if she tried. She only had your first name and the city you lived in, there was nothing to go off of if she attempted to find you. The worst part of it all is that you could be her neighbour for all she knows, but the only thing she could do was hope that your worlds aligned sooner rather than later. You could live in the apartment right beside hers, or above it, or below. The possibilities were endless and it killed her. 

Maybe it was sad and pathetic, but she couldn’t bring herself to read the story. There had been one attempt so far, and it only resulted in a throbbing headache, puffy red eyes, and a damp pillow. Another sigh left her lips as she dropped it back into her bag and zipped it up with more aggression than necessary, earning a strange glance from the flight attendant that walked past her just as she did so. 

A little while passed before the plane got ready for take-off, and ever the rule-stickler, Alexia took one of her earphones out as the safety video played out. At that point, she realised just how screwed she was, because she couldn’t even look at a life vest on a fucking plane without thinking back to that day with you on the boat.

“Qué coño estoy haciendo?” She grumbled under her breath, slipping her earphone back in and resting her head back against the seat, eyes closed. 

Unfortunately, that was a question she would repeat to herself a hell of a lot the following months. Because, really, not a day passed by without her thoughts being infiltrated by those days with you. The second she closed her eyes at night, she saw your face. When she woke up in the morning, she wished you were beside her, even despite the fact she had never once shared a bed with you.

At one point, sometime in September, she even found herself going along to one of Mapi’s dinners in Barcelona that she always planned. Alexia had been invited to every single one in the past few years since the defender had started organising them with her closest friends, but the blonde had only attended a handful in that time. Her attendance for this one was solely for the purpose of seeing you. 

However, you didn’t show up.

There was one chair at the end of the table empty, and though no one ever took it, Alexia couldn’t tear her eyes away. She had a vacant expression on her face throughout the whole duration of the evening, forcing a smile when she had to and keeping her responses short. The people there that didn’t know her too well were probably a little weirded out, but Mapi could see heartbreak in her eyes and the realisation of what likely happened brought a frown to her face. She didn’t want to intrude on a situation she knew Alexia would prefer to keep private, but it hurt to see her friend so down like she was. 

Only one conversation topic truly piqued her interest that evening. Near the end of the night, someone asked why you weren’t there. The single mention of your name had her heart racing.

“-has gone to England to see her family for a while.” 

The person talking, who Alexia assumed was your friend, went on a bit more about your whereabouts, but the blonde had tuned out of it as soon as she heard that you weren’t even in the country, nevermind the city. 

She had the urge to just get up and walk out of the restaurant there and then at the news, but she was here, at a restaurant with alcohol available to her, and instead she decided to throw her personal laws out the window for the night and have a few drinks. They didn’t numb the pain, in fact they probably made it more prominent. Alarm bells were ringing in Mapi’s head at the sight of her friend with an alcoholic drink in her hand, especially since the new season had just started, and she waited until everyone was leaving to bring it up.

“Ale, Ale, espera.” The shorter woman lightly grabbed her friend by the arm just as she started the walk back to her apartment. “Qué passa?”

“No, Mapi.” Alexia mumbled, shaking her head and continuing to walk. Mapi kept up the pace beside her, allowing the silence to sit for a bit, before the older woman sniffled a little. 

“Oye. Habla, ahora.” Mapi demanded, halting their movements on the sidewalk as Alexia kept her head down.

“No es importante.” Alexia shrugged dismissively, opting out of looking at Mapi and instead observing the streets she had walked all of her life. Ones that you have probably walked too.

“Es importante!” Mapi argued, before she pushed down her frustration and addressed her captain much more calmly. “Si estás así de triste, es muy importante, Alexia.”

“Stop, Mapi! Leave it, it has nothing to do with you.” Alexia snapped, before turning away and heading back in the direction of her flat. 

The fact she slipped into English, now of all times, told Mapi everything she needed to know. Things hadn’t gone smoothly between you and Alexia. Whatever happened, Mapi would stay out of it until she was needed. That didn’t mean she was any less disappointed at it though. Not at you, or Alexia, because regardless of what had or hadn’t gone on, she didn’t blame you and she knows neither of you would have blamed each other too. Whatever had occurred was left in the hands of the world to sort it out.

Though, if she had known it was just a miscommunication that could have been easily solved, she would have grabbed you both by the ears and lectured you to no end. 

The truth is, if Alexia wasn’t so stuck in her misery and just read the book given to her, all of her problems would have been solved. In her opinion, if she did read it, it would just mean finding out more about you that she couldn’t have. But, as a matter of fact, getting to the end of the story would give her the one thing she wanted all along.

By the time November rolled around, Alexia and the rest of the Barcelona team were well into the season in most competitions already. The league was going well, they had won the two Champion’s League games so far, and they had just beaten Real Madrid in the first game of the fifth, albeit unofficial, infamous competition of the season- El Clásico.

A win like that always had to be celebrated, and none of the blaugrana players were going to pass up a night of partying in Barcelona afterwards. 

There was just one small thing Mapi failed to tell Alexia before they arrived at the club, however.

—

Your life after that vacation didn’t really change. The only noticeable difference was the heartache and the anguish you felt after arriving home that no one would understand. In secret you met, in silence you have to grieve. 

Except, your pain wasn’t quite the same as Alexia’s. Hers surely had an expiration date, she would get over you at some point. Yours would only get stronger the longer you spent apart from her, the anxiety turning the scenario you were in from a nightmare into a reality.

You had no doubts that Alexia was a busy person, so for a few weeks, you gave her the benefit of the doubt when it came to reading. But a few weeks turned into a month, then one turned into two, and before you knew it, it was November. Maybe she didn’t want to see you again after all, maybe those few days were enough for her.

That summer felt like a lifetime ago, an out of this world experience that was nothing more than a dream. But it was real, you know it was, because you still feel the phantom touch of her lips on your shoulder and the comfortable warmth of her hand in yours. You still remember every detail about her, like the moles on her face and the depth to her hazel eyes, or the tattoos on her back and the strength of her arms when she embraced you. Not even your wildest dreams could have created such a person like Alexia. She was more than anything you could have wished for.

Perhaps you could have searched her up online, the blonde was apparently a prominent public figure after all, so it probably wasn’t that hard to find out more about her. You didn’t want to do that though, in the weirdest way, it would feel like invading her privacy. What could be found online was most likely not a true representation of her. Though she wasn’t yours anymore, and she never really was in the first place, you knew the media’s perception of her would be so different to who she actually was, and indulging in that would be a disservice to the woman you had the honour to love, even if that was for just a week.

In your time since Menorca, you had gone back to your normal life like nothing had happened. As if nothing had changed outwardly, when internally, everything had changed. You had been introduced to the true beauty of life, what it means to feel seen, only to have it ripped away from you. And maybe it was your fault that it wasn’t yours to experience anymore. If you could go back in time to that final moment in the bar, you would have done everything differently, especially if you had known it would end like this.

At some point in September, the city you loved became nothing but a mental challenge. Alexia could be anywhere, yet in your opinion, there was no morally correct way to try and find her. It all got too much, and you had to escape. Going back to England seemed like a good idea at first, however in hindsight, it just made things worse. Somehow it made the pain, regret, sorrow, it made all of it reach new heights. During the taxi ride back to your apartment in Barcelona afterwards, there were tears in your eyes that hardly left for the next two months. No matter what you tried, you couldn’t get her out of your mind, even though you were probably long gone from hers.

A night out in the city sounded perfect suddenly, in November. One mention of it from a friend of a friend, and you were in. There was some special occasion apparently, according to María, but you didn’t care that much to pay attention. All you knew was that the club was booked for you all, there was a ticket with your name on it, and alcohol waiting for you.

Only, you didn’t expect to meet a familiar pair of eyes at the bar a few hours into the night. 

“Ale?” You whispered under your breath at the sight of the woman a few metres to your right, leaning against the bar with a near empty beer bottle in her hand. 

With the music thumping throughout the club, there was no way she heard you. But her eyes averted to her left anyway, and they landed straight on you. Her entire body froze, eyes wide whilst the rest of her face seemed void of emotion. It was hard to get a read on her and considering there was a fair amount of alcohol in your system by this point, it wasn’t surprising when the anxiety took over and made you doubt everything. 

Did she still feel the same way about you? Was there already somebody else for her? Maybe you didn’t mean as much to her as she did to you. There were probably thousands of other people she could have, when you took her supposed stardom into account. The scale of her fame was still a mystery to you, but at that moment it was too overwhelming to think about. What business did she have falling in love with someone who was nothing more than a fly on the wall?

Nobody ever noticed you, you were just there. Alexia was… Alexia. There weren’t enough words in any and all languages to describe what a person she was. 

Unbeknownst to you, Alexia was freaking out too. Not in the way one would initially expect, though; there was one overwhelming feeling for her that wasn’t fear or anxiety, it was relief. Complete, utter, all-consuming relief, because you were right in front of her. Within arms reach, basically. Despite all the possibilities that could occur from here on out, she was just happy to see you. 

However, her face hadn’t changed in the time the pair of you had been staring at each other agasp for the past however long, and it didn’t change as she cautiously took a few steps closer to you. With each step she took, your anxiety grew. It grew and grew, until she was about a metre away, and it reached its peak.

In true anxiety fashion, the fight or flight kicked in.

A proper glance at her face and you were breathless, and not in the swooning, romantic way, but instead out of pure panic. The club was too loud, too restricting and suffocating, and the only option that seemed plausible was getting the hell out. You didn’t care about the people you bumped into, or the voice shouting after you. The situation that confronted you back at the bar was more than you could handle and it seemed to be an insurmountable challenge that you weren’t quite prepared for. 

In your mind, Alexia was done with you. The heartbreak was tearing through you already and had been for months now, you didn’t need a run in with her to increase that, and you definitely didn’t want closure. Too long had passed, you had grown content with the realisation that she had moved on seamlessly.

It took a matter of seconds for Alexia to lose sight of you in the crowded room, and what didn’t help was the sudden barrage of teammates that seemed determined to drag her to the dancefloor. They were buzzing off their copious amounts of alcohol compared to her one bottle of beer, completely unaware of the turmoil she was going through due to the winning high they were still riding. She saw the disappointed look on their faces as she brushed them off and it hurt for a moment, before she remembered the situation she was in, and then the celebrations were forgotten entirely. 

The moment she exited the club, she spotted you outside the next building over, a restaurant with outdoor seating that was closed due to the late hour. You were sat in one of the chairs there, head in your hands with a leg bouncing out of intense anxiety. Alexia knew she was the reason for your current state, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out, but she also didn’t want to leave you alone when you were so clearly worked up. If you pushed her away, fine, she’d leave. She just wanted to try first.

As she prudently walked over to you with a few gentle calls of your name, like she were approaching a skittish animal, you glanced through your fingers to find the one person at the centre of your anxiety approaching you. Rather than tell her to leave, or get everything off your chest in a ‘screw you’ way, or simply pretend she didn’t exist, you removed your hands and sat up like you weren’t just having an anxiety attack. Your people-pleasing habit had no boundaries. 

“Are… are you okay?” Alexia asked softly, standing a few feet in front of you with her hands, that itched to reach out and comfort you, holding onto the chair behind her which she leaned on just as an excuse to nervously fidget with something not too obvious. 

“I will be.” You gave her a tight-lipped smile that you paired with a quick sniffle and a brush away of the tears on your cheeks. 

To anyone else, this whole situation probably seemed ridiculous and unnecessary. Why not just exchange details in the first place? Why not ask Mapi, a mutual friend, for the other person’s details? There were so many seemingly obvious solutions and ways this could have been prevented. 

But love isn’t so simple. It’s a risk to take, a fact that often goes unacknowledged and underappreciated. Especially when your heart has already been broken and stuck back together so many times, it’s hard to hand it over again. It is a delicate organ, the only one other than the brain that has the ability to feel, to hold sentiment and adoration. 

There’s no rhyme or reason as to why people decide to harm it, but Alexia isn’t one of those people. She’d take your damaged goods and glue them back together with gold if she could, and you’d do the same for her. When all is said and done, there is no blame or resentment present, just guilt and regret. Your souls are too pure for hatred, they’re professionals at harbouring love for those around no matter what, and it’s evident with the way you both treat each other, despite all the unspoken sorrow and devastation individually experienced during all these months. 

A week of pure, whole-hearted, unconditional love was worth all the months of anguish. That was an easy conclusion both of you had come to somewhere along the way.

“I…” There was so much that Alexia wanted to say, but she had no idea how to verbalise any of it or where to even start. She believed that nothing she could say would live up to the moment. 

“We don’t have to do this, Ale.” You decided for her. Your words exuded a confidence that wasn’t there at all, and you figured that it was probably evident in your anxiety-filled appearance, but what’s the harm in trying. 

“Do what?” Alexia replied with her face scrunched in fearful confusion. Ale. She had missed you saying that. 

“Do the awkward back and forth whilst ignoring the fact we fell in love four months ago.” 

It hurt to admit it out loud. 

For months, this pain had been nothing but an internal one, hidden in the background of your thoughts at all points of the day whilst the world around you was none the wiser. The only external signs of such an event were the mascara stains on your pillow after a night of crying and the tear tracks engraved onto your cheeks when walking into work the next day.

You fell in love four months ago. And the person you were still in love with stood before you. But time had passed, and perhaps that love had to be left behind. 

“Maybe I don’t want to ignore that.” Alexia’s shoulders were up in a shrug for a few moments, her heart beating away so fast in her chest that a pit of nausea had formed at the sentence she had just uttered. You looked up at her through tears that glistened in the street lamps, a glint of hope in your eyes that you loathed. In just one statement, you were wrapped around her finger again. 

“What do you mean?” You questioned firmly, voice distant despite the crack in the middle of it.

“Maybe… I am still in love with you.” 

Laughter wasn’t quite the response Alexia was expecting, especially spiteful laughter. Disapproving laughter with anger so clear in its undertones. 

“How can you say that after you’ve obviously moved on? After I’ve heard nothing from you all these months?” You scoffed. Your pent-up exasperation wasn’t even at Alexia, she just so happened to be there and saying all the wrong things to act as the catalyst for the eruption.

No, the anger was entirely at yourself. You opened up your heart to someone you knew you couldn’t have, and still had the audacity to be so hurt by the anticipated turn of events. Alexia was never to blame, it was you. 

“What? I don't understand.” Alexia retorted, and it’s unexplainably hard to continue your onslaught of misdirected blame when there’s so much pain in her voice.

“You had so much time to contact me, and yet you didn’t. I can read the room, Ale, I can tell when I’m not wanted, and I get it.” The fight left you then, your body deflating of all its tension as you curled back into yourself. 

“I had no way to get to you! I don’t get it, cariño, I really don’t, because I have loved you still all these months and I missed you, and if I did have a way to get to you, I would have taken it because I have lost myself after losing you!” 

“Oh, so I just gave you my favourite book with my number in the back of it for no reason then?” You scoffed once more, shaking your head as you willed the tears away once more.

Just a few feet in front of you, Alexia was going through about a million different emotions, thoughts, feelings, all that good stuff, at once. Her head was spinning, dizzy at the gravity of what you just said. 

“I didn’t read your book.” Alexia whispered, her voice quiet and dripping with awe, still stuck in regretful astonishment at the fact the solution to everything had been under her hands all this time. 

Your number, in the back of the book that was right beside her bed. She had you right under her fingertips and she didn’t even know it. 

“What do you mean?” You asked in the same tone.

“I could not bring myself to read it because I missed you too much. Your number is really in the back? You are not doing some… some cruel joke?”

As if you’d ever.

“No! I swear, I wrote it in there that night in the bar when I gave it to you. I thought you saw me write in it!” You exclaimed, overcome with all sorts of emotions at the new revelation. 

It had been a stupid mishap, nothing more. No malicious intent on either side, no animosity (aside from the last few minutes), and most of all, throughout this whole thing, there had been no love lost. It was just a mutual misunderstanding. That label felt too simple for all the turmoil that had occurred, yet at the same time, an exhilarating amount of relief came with it which soon overrode the seething irritation that flashed by. The possibility of exploring a relationship with Alexia was so much more thrilling to focus on than all that could be different.

There was no use in dwelling on what could have been if this mistake hadn’t happened. Far too often have you done that in the past, and it’s never gotten you anywhere. Alexia had done the same during those lonesome nights after hours spent in the presence of thousands of people in stadiums across the world - going from being surrounded by countless adoring fans to nothing but overwhelming silence was something she had struggled with. It opened up a world of vulnerabilities for her, as she thought and thought and thought until the mental exertion exhausted her and she finally fell asleep. 

Something that came with her ACL injury was the introduction of a psychologist, and it had forced her to change so many aspects of her life for the better. Like in this scenario now, where just like you, she wanted to disregard what hasn’t happened, and instead focus on the moment, and all the amazing things that could happen. Because, really, what was standing in her way apart from the threat of a road not taken? And the best thing of all, is that with one look in your eye, she knew you felt the same.

She knew you wanted the simplicity, rather than making it more difficult for yourselves which had happened already since that last goodbye in the bar. Once the realisation settled, the only thing left to do was acknowledge that fact.

“I didn’t. I didn’t see you write in the back, only the front.” Alexia murmured, pausing for a few seconds as the pair of you fell silent. 

The pulse of the music could be faintly heard, as could the distant chatter of people passing by, but none of that mattered when the prospect of the future hung within reach between you both. It was that that had Alexia turning the chair she held onto around and slumping down into it out of shock. The adrenaline had run its course, and now it left a tranquil euphoria, a brewing excitement that took its time to build. 

“So… you haven’t moved on.” You said about a minute later, holding back a smile that broke out anyway when Alexia laughed at it all. 

“No. Not at all.” 

Words seemed a little useless from then on. There were coy smiles on each of your faces afterwards, when everything had been hashed out and made clear despite it being slightly overdue. The only thing you could do was stand from your chair, walk the short distance that separated you both, and gaze down expectantly at Alexia. She stood too, the tables turning so that she was the one looking down now, but that didn’t matter for long, because before you knew it, her arms were back around you and embracing you so tightly that your feet lifted off the ground. You laughed into her neck, which in turn made her laugh too, and then the pair of you were just a mess in each other's arms. 

It felt like someone had come along and stoked the fire in your heart again. The coldness that had settled in your bones at some point during the last months was gone, instead it had been replaced with the love you’d lacked for too long. This time, it didn’t have a time limit, you were free to relish in the fact that from this day on, there was always going to be someone on your side, a person there just for you. And there was a certain level of pride that came in knowing you were going to be that for Alexia too, because the way she held you so close to her heart, metaphorically and in this moment literally too, told you enough about how she felt. 

When you leaned back and looked up at her, you saw the future in her eyes, one that didn’t seem so dauntingly alone and gloomy. There were also tears there too, to your surprise, and it only amplified what you knew about her already; she was made for you. She loved you.

“Please tell me I will not lose you for a second time. I cannot do that again.” She admitted the secret quietly, and before you had even found the words to answer her, the admission was stored away safely in your soul. 

“No, you won’t. I… I think I need you, Ale.” You told her, closing your eyes as you rested your forehead against hers. You sensed the relieving sigh that Alexia let out and shared how she felt; at peace.

“I need you too.” Alexia mumbled in reply, her voice cracking with emotion that for once isn’t drowning her, instead, she feels more alive right now than she had since summer. “Te extrañé mucho. Mucho.” 

You smiled. A genuine one, with no layers or falsity to it. You smiled because you could, because Alexia and all she was in that moment allowed you to feel worth your weight in gold, something that hardly ever came naturally to you. But with the blonde woman holding you so tentatively, firm in her love despite her fears, you owed it to her to provide the reaction her character brought out. 

“I missed you a lot too.” You breathed out, years worth of inadequacy and shame leaving you as you did so. “I’m sorry for causing all this. And for-”

“Why are you apologising?” Alexia cut you off, pulling back from the embrace as her hands gently landed on your shoulders and the frown you had strangely missed came out in full force.

“Because I just made all this so difficult and caused you so much pain for no reason, I should have thought it through more and n-”

“No, don’t.” She shook her head and tugged you back in, her arms around your shoulders and a hand on the back of your head with her thumb stroking up and down comfortingly. “Don’t take yourself down that road. Do not place blame on yourself when there is none there. Please don’t. It is not your fault.” 

All you could do at that was nod into her chest. Alexia’s advice hadn’t failed you thus far, so why stop listening to it now.

“I’m so glad I found you again. In a club of all places.” You said, giggling into her shoulder as she chuckled. 

“I didn’t know you would be here.” Alexia stated, keeping her hands on your waist as her eyes were wide and adoring as they moved all over your face, almost as if she was in disbelief that she was really with you.

“María invited me, I don’t normally come to these things, but… I guess it’s a good job I did.” You replied bashfully, Alexia nodding immediately and making you laugh once more. “She said it was a big occasion or something? I don’t know, but it must be pretty big if the whole club is booked out.”

“It is a big thing. For us, anyway. I…” She glanced up at the building she was in earlier and her smile faltered a little. She was caught in two minds; she wanted to spend time with you, now that you were in her arms she didn’t want to let you out of her sight, but she also had made commitments to be here with her team tonight. It was an abnormality for her to agree to a night like this, but the excitement and the pleading from her teammates made her give in, and their joy at her attendance made it worth it. “The team won a big game earlier, so they wanted to celebrate. I don’t go to these things too. They begged me, so I should probably go back to them.”

“Okay.” You said, trying to disguise the dejection burning through you. Her hands gripped your sides a little tighter, like she knew what her words had done anyway.

“Will you come back in? With me?” She asked hopefully.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to intrude on your time with your team, especially if it’s a big celebra-”

You were interrupted once more, but there wasn’t exactly any complaining from your side. Alexia’s palms were cradling your cheeks, fingertips light and warm on your soft skin, and in much the same way as she did after that first date, she kissed you. Firmly and fervently, months worth of longing reaching its peak and crumbling with each movement of your lips. It was just as mind-numbing as you remembered- you’d thought a lot about those few kisses in Menorca and how you hadn’t had enough. There was no way you could ever wait that long for one again.

“You will not ‘intrude’ on us, I promise. If I could, I would take you on a date right now, but they will be angry if I do. When you are around, there’s no one else I want to spend time with.” Her eyes bored into yours as she held your face securely in her hands, ensuring you couldn’t look anywhere but at her and take in the honesty of her words. “I want you there. You.”

“I’ll go with you.” You responded like you were in a trance. You basically were: entranced by the affirmation that she wants you and you only. The blonde grinned and ducked down again to kiss you, more than content to revel in your touch now that she has you again. 

After that, Alexia took your hand tight in hers and led you back into the club. You trailed behind her, happy to follow her lead, blushing each time she looked back at you with her charming smile that overflowed with utter joy, until you found yourselves back in the main area of the club. Understandably, the vast group of people you didn’t recognise, probably Alexia’s teammates, were partying hard together. There were people on each others’ shoulders, drinks being spilt, some rather abysmal and slurred singing, and a number of new faces that lit up when they saw Alexia again. 

“Some of them are a bit loco. You will get used to them.” Alexia said into your ear, and when she moved back to gauge your reaction, she instantly recognised the uncertainty in your expression. Her arm curled around your waist, her lips pressed a kiss to your shoulder, and she gave a reassuring smile. “I will be with you, I’m not going anywhere.”

Like always, she stuck to her promise. Not for a second did she leave your side as she celebrated, introduced you to her teammates, and hardly took her eyes off you. Some part of her was always touching you, whether that be her arm around your shoulders, her hand brushing against hers as a finger linked with yours, a palm resting on your lower back as she guided you through the bustling room. And though it took some time to settle into the crowdedness, you eventually found yourself joining in with her teammates as they danced and took you in like one of their own.

Throughout the night, the blonde midfielder couldn’t hold back the smile on her face. Watching you fit right in with the people she considered family, whilst knowing to some degree how much you struggled with these things, flooded her with so much admiration and appreciation for you. It reached a new level, and though it was something she didn’t understand, each second she spent with you she felt herself falling more and more in love. Even if you did say ridiculous things like…

“You know what my favourite thing is about football? When you guys sit there at the side with your little blankets like the grandparents from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” 

She might have rolled her eyes at the declaration, but somehow she adored you impossibly more after it. Especially when the group of her teammates you were with burst out laughing at it, some firing off into teasing arguments at it as you turned to Alexia and gave her a beaming smile at the reaction. Before any of the others could wrap you up in a conversation again, she simply took your hand like she did earlier and walked you both over to the bar. Mapi, who had been part of that group and had almost passed out from pure elation when she saw the pair of you walk in together at the start of the night, watched you leave and nudged Ingrid vigorously. The poor Norwegian had been subject to all of the defender’s speculation and conspiracies of what had transpired between her two friends, and the dark-haired woman wasn’t sure if it was that or the current overwhelming excitement of her girlfriend that was worse. 

Alexia ordered new drinks for you both at the bar, before turning to where you stood beside her and smiling softly down at you. You entertained her gaze, mirroring her smile as you waited for her to speak. But instead of doing so, she moved to stand behind you and tugged you back against her while her arms enveloped you completely. Her chin found home on your shoulder, her heart bursting at the seams when she heard you let out a content sigh. She turned her face into your neck then, discreetly scattering kisses up and down the skin there. 

“Ale, what are you doing? All your teammates are here.” You told her quietly, leaning back into her and covering her arms with yours.

“Me da igual. Tendrás que perdonarme por ser tan pegajosa, pero no puedo apartar los ojos ni las manos de ti.” Alexia murmured, reaching around to grab her glass and take a sip from it, before focusing her attention back to you by kissing you. Her lips were cold from the ice of her drink, but they quickly warmed up against yours as she indulged in the kiss without a care for her surroundings. It was only when your drink was placed on the wood of the bar that she broke it off, smirking down at you and the blush to your cheeks. 

If this was how she was going to act, you didn’t want the night to end. 

Fortunately for you, it didn’t. Something you had learnt over the years was that the Spanish knew how to have a good night, and this was no different. The music kept coming, the euphoria kept running, and the dancing didn’t stop for a second. As the hours went on, Alexia came more and more out of her shell, and you saw a new side of her that made you weak at the knees. 

Her actions got bolder as her inhibitions left her, and if she was clingy before, that only increased. Even when she substituted her alcohol for water, as did you, her affection continued to pour out. You were more than happy to revel in all she had to give. This was what you had longed for since the summer, and it still felt surreal that you were here right now. 

Seeing Alexia so carefree and happy sparked the same feelings in you, it willed you to be just as open and unabashed in your joy, and it was fastly turning into one of the best times of your life because of it. But there were other feelings too, ones that were becoming quite unavoidable as they built up throughout the evening. And when the celebrations somehow amped up, there was a certain level of acknowledgement between you and Alexia. Your eyes communicated that to each other, coy smiles shared between you both in anticipation.

The pair of you continued to dance together, none the wiser to the partying around you anymore. You were more than content to stay in your own little bubble, allowing the tense thrill to grow whilst waiting for the other to make the first move. Unsurprisingly, it was Alexia who cracked, her next actions conveying the desperation that fizzed between the two of you. 

“I think I said I had to make it up to you after our first date, no?” She hummed from behind you, one arm around your stomach as the other brushed your hair from your neck so that she could attach her lips to your pulse as she awaited your answer.

“Yes. Please.” The second word slipped out unknowingly, only realising what you had said after Alexia smirked into your skin. Her confidence radiated from her, and you took it and ran with it. “Don’t act like you don’t need it too, la reina.”

“Don’t call me that.” She grumbled and you turned in her hold with a raised eyebrow, your arms linking around her neck. 

“What would you like instead?” You challenged, feeling her hands tighten their grasp just slightly.

“You know. Ale. Alexia.” You hummed and nodded, leaning a little closer and kissing her jaw on your way to placing your lips beside her ear.

“And where would you prefer me to call you that? Here, in this club where you can hardly hear me with your friends all around? Or in your apartment, in your bed?” 

It was that final question from you that had her breathing in sharply and leading you out of the club for the final time that night. Earlier, when you left in a rush, you were wracked with anxiety and self-doubt. Now, you laughed with the woman you loved as she flagged down a taxi and clambered in behind you. She listed off her address as you gazed meekly at her from your seat, heart eyes so glaringly obvious despite the dim light of the car. Granted, she could probably feel your stare more than she could see it, though there wasn’t much else that the midfielder wanted to focus her attention on. 

She smirked and shook her head when she noticed, her hand travelling across the middle seat and reaching its destination on your thigh. You placed your own over it, squeezing it once and averting your eyes to the city’s scenery that passed by, unable to maintain your infatuated look due to the overloading feeling of ardour that reinforced itself every time the footballer was in your vicinity. 

Throughout the car ride to Alexia’s apartment, it was majoritively silent, bar the deafening beating of your heart in your ears that grew in its volume the closer you got. The driver’s GPS sounded out as he parked outside the building, and Alexia rushed to pay him before getting out and offering her hand to you. You took it with a shy grin, swinging it between you both as you made your way inside.

Back at the club, the tension was palpable and unmistakably charged. However, it had taken a turn during the short journey. Now it was teeming with nerves, both aware of what faces you when you step foot in that apartment. There’s exhilaration and simmering desire too due to how much you want it, it was something that had been thought about individually late at night. Ultimately, this would add a whole new layer to the growing relationship, and neither of you wanted to wait a second longer to be able to savour the aftermath and the moment. 

And in the end, it was inexplicably better than you could have imagined. Once the initial awkwardness wore off, the desperation took over and gave the night a tale to tell. You hadn’t experienced anything like it– it was tentative and ineffably intimate and something you wouldn’t forget. It was perfect. 

Most importantly, it didn’t leave you in a pit of anxiety afterwards. Being able to freely relish in the moment when it was over in the comforting hold of the figure you loved so wholly was something you appreciated greatly. Words wouldn’t do it justice, what it meant to you. All you could do was return the benevolence handed to you on a silver platter and hope that Alexia understood the gravity behind your actions. 

The sheets covered your sated bodies, you with your head on her chest as her arms held you securely and sincerely, and they rustled when she reached over into her bedside table for something. You leaned up a little in confusion, watching her curiously as she searched around the drawer, only to pull out the bane of your existence.

“What are you doing with that?” You asked humorously, nestling back down into the warm, sturdy body beneath you. 

She had gotten out your book. With a hum, she opened it and flicked to the back page. There she found your number, written clearly just as you had told her. 

“I don’t believe it.” Alexia mumbled, one of her fingers tracing the ink there. “It really was there.”

Quietly, without disrupting the serenity of the room that had settled, you took it from her hands and dropped it onto the table on your side. Then you turned back to her, brushing some strands of hair from her face as you rested upon your elbows and cupped her face. You looked at her with a pointed gaze, leaning down to place a slow, meaningful kiss to her lips, before pulling back.

“Forget about that. We’re here now.” You whispered, thumbs stroking softly over her cheekbones as she accepted your words, willing herself out of that regretful mindset. Because she had you, right where she wanted you.

“We’re here now.” She repeated with a loving smile, one you instantly reciprocated as you nodded at her response.

On a night like this, there wasn’t much else that needed to be said. So you laid back down then, on your side as Alexia copied your position with the covers pulled up to your shoulders, face to face and barely able to make out each other’s features in the dark room. 

That book, the one you nervously handed over to Alexia back in Menorca, was possibly one of the most revealing things you had done. It didn’t quite go the way you expected it to go, but it didn’t matter in the end. You got the result you wanted and it was so much better than you anticipated. There was still a lot to learn, about each other and the lives you led, though nothing felt unaccomplishable now that you had Alexia on your team. 

Alexia didn’t quite know when your book had moved from the top of the table into the drawer, but it probably had something to do with how much it hurt to look at. It still didn’t fill her with the best thoughts whenever she saw it. She had no doubts that you being with her now would change that. She could see herself reading it in the near future, with you on the opposite end of the sofa, your feet in her lap as she got a glimpse into your soul. New memories could be made with it, and even right now, despite the grievances she had with it, it was still something she treasured deeply and she knew that would only become more true as time went on. 

In your current position, you could just make out how deeply she was looking at you. There were a lot of things swirling around those favourite eyes of yours, but it was the insecurities there that you hadn’t noticed previously which caught your attention. Wordlessly, you willed her to voice them, and she did.

“Things might get difficult sometimes.” She began, and you acknowledged it with a gentle nod and a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “There is… a lot that comes with my job that I do not enjoy. I am afraid it will come between us.”

You could only guess what she meant. Finding out exactly what that was, was a task for another day. Right now, she needed your belief and your assurances, you knew that.

“I don’t care about that. As long as you promise that I’ll have you, then I don’t care about anything else. I only need you, that’s all. The rest is just background noise.” You told her, pleased to see those doubts dissipate before you, her whole body language changing as it did.

“You do. You do have me. I promise.” Alexia stated firmly, quietly sighing out of relief and exhaustion.

The day was beginning to take its toll on her. It had been pretty packed, with a full game of fiercely competitive football, partying, a whole load of emotions, and the events afterwards that had gotten her to this point. Sleep didn’t come so easily to you, even after all that had happened. You gladly took the extra time to rake your eyes over Alexia’s face, who seemed so at peace as she began to drift off. There was a brief moment where you envied that fact, but you shoved that thought away as quick as it came, because that was the old you. There was a new version of you now, and it was one that did have the capability to experience that very same tranquillity that Alexia was in the midst of. And it was all down to her, the woman resting in your arms. 

There was just one more thing you needed clarity about, and it unfortunately meant disturbing the blonde’s bliss, but it couldn’t wait.

“Ale, will you go on a date with me?” You asked shyly, waiting for her reaction with a grimace, for what reason you weren’t sure of. She chuckled under her breath and subtly shook her head, which was indeed not what you were looking for, until she spoke before you could panic.

“You really just asked that after we spent the evening together and had sex?” 

Your hand covered her mouth immediately, though the damage was already done and she laughed at that fact. 

“It was a simple question that needed a simple yes or no.” You attempted to come across as serious, but there was a smile already there as Alexia pulled your hand away and nodded. 

Her lips found yours in what you thought could be deemed as the softest kiss in mankind, before she leans back just enough to be able to murmur her answer against your lips.

“You don’t have to ask.”

—

there's a bit of pressure and nerves that comes with writing a part two like this so i hope i took the right path with the plot and that it was worth the wait 🙃

[reneesghostinthelivingroom]

clarisse x gn!child of nemesis!reader where the reader keeps a black book of everyone who's pissed them off and why and clarisse gets curious. love your work! :)

The Journal

|| Clarisse La Rue x genderneutral!nemesis!reader

|| Warnings; swearing, Clarisse and reader have a small argument, Clarisse invading reader's privacy, short drabble

|| Summary; when Clarisse comes looking for reader at their cabin, what she didn't expect to find was a black leather journal coated in red scribbles. Curiosity gets the better of her.

Requests open!

Started; october 9th

Finished; october 9th

~~~

Clarisse and you have been dating for some time now. The two of you were a pretty intense combo, beyond loyal to each other but almost always fighting about something. Most of the time it's just for fun, though. None of your arguments are really serious. You just like keeping each other on your toes. With you being a child of nemesis and Clarisse a daughter of Ares, it's no wonder things were intense. Both of you had such intense Godly parents.

Despite all that, today was a rather calm afternoon. Clarisse had just come into the Nemesis Cabin to look for you when instead she found a black leather journal on your bed. Scrawled on the front in red was a bunch of crossing lines and scribbles which peaked her curiosity.

She walked over and picked it up, right away she noticed that there was just something intense about the book before she even opened it. When she did open it, she immediately realized why that was. Her eyes widening slightly as she reads through the text. The book was full of names of people who had clearly pissed you off, you even stated why. Most having a massive paragraph or two. The more she looked through, the more she noticed that some names were even repeated. An example being Drew, the daughter of Aphrodite. She was in there more than three times. Damn, you and her really didn't get along.

Clarisse sat herself down on the edge of your bed, looking through the book. At one point she even found her own name, though the reason you had was fair enough. It was after one your more intense arguments with her. She couldn't necessarily fault you for that.

The daughter of Ares took her sweet time reading through it, enjoying everything about it and making mental notes of those who'd wronged you. She knew you had probably already gotten back at most of them by now, but she was still going to do some stuff herself. She was your girlfriend, after all. Plus, she needed to start some fights anyways. She was getting bored.

She found herself wondering if you'd always kept books like this and if you had anymore laying around. This one specifically only went back a few months, so it was relatively new but there were still lots of pages filled regardless. You seemed to have a lot of enemies, which she thought was kinda cool. You definitely weren't afraid to speak your mind.

"Clarisse?"

The sound of your voice got her attention, her head snapping away from the book to look at you with wide eyes. Then glance at the book in her hands before looking to you again.

"Y/N..." She muttered and cursed, setting the book aside," hey."

You folded your arms across her chest as you stood in the cabin doorway," 'hey'? Really? Were you going through my shit?"

She immediately shook her head, trying to defend herself from what you just saw." No, I swear I was just coming in to find you then saw the book laying there so I got curious."

You rolled your eyes and walked over, picking the book up." How much did you read?"

"Enough to know that a lot of people pissed you off, including me." Clarisse admitted, you were the one person she could never bring herself to lie to," ...could I help plan your revenge?" She asked, hoping that maybe if she showed interest you would forgive her.

And you did think about it. For a long moment. You knew you couldn't stay mad at her forever, no matter how badly you wanted to some days." Fine..."

"Fuck yes." She couldn't help but grin. This would be fun.

[translatemunson]

cat and mouse for a month or two or three • ttfd

chapter eight of the tortured firefighters department

previous chapter | masterlist | next chapter

cw: fem!reader, afab!reader, no descriptions of reader, brains is recovering, idiots in love, short chapter after a huge hiatus I'M SORRY OK , no proofreading otherwise i’d never post this (lmk if i missed something)

A new routine took place. You spend most days inside your apartment, classes online since they were checking all the buildings on that side of the campus, on medical leave from your job because, on top of the broken ribs, they wanted you to recover from the burnout you got yourself into. That also meant you were taking mandatory therapy sessions, and maybe after a month they could let you work again. It was like being grounded from what kept you fueled in your late twenties.

Their first mistake was giving you way too much free time while bored. You wrote pages upon pages of your thesis in your first week. The moment you hit send and sat to wait for your professor’s notes, you found out you couldn’t reorganize your home because it was considered too much effort for your broken ribs. Your kitchen became the latest victim.

But a real victim to all your boredom was one door down the hall, who probably regretted giving you a copy of his keys — to be used just in case of an emergency.

“What the hell are you doing, Brains?” It was the third time this week that Buck arrived at his home and found out you were there, just casually chilling,

“Reading!” You were upside down on his couch, a romance book in your hands.

“I don’t think this position is good for your ribs. Can you sit like a normal person?”

“No. It’s boring. Also, I’m gonna babysit Chris tomorrow, so I’m hijacking your Xbox.”

“Why aren’t you doing that at your place?” He pointed to your silly reading position.

“Because I needed to tell you about your video game. Are you hungry? There’s some lasagna in your fridge.”

“Did you make it?”

“Yeah. Now shut up, they’re finally confessing their feelings for each other.”

Buck turned the TV on just to get some noises into the silent apartment. You were too busy with your book, he was too afraid of doing something he would have regretted later. Somewhere between his first and second plate of lasagna, you put the book aside and started to pay attention to the news.

“Big rescue, hm?”

“I don’t know why they keep building towers with paper thin structures and too many glass windows with shitty fire alarms. What happened to the good ol’ bricks and stones?” He was eating at the table, probably destroying the food in record time.

“Excellent question. I’ll look it up and give you an answer tomorrow”

“You’re really bored, aren’t you?”

“Oh, what gave it away?”

“It’s definitely not the same book from yesterday, you cooked a lasagna as big as the ones Bobby feeds us, you’re gonna babysit Chris on Eddie’s day off.”

“He needs to run some errands, and Chris hasn’t been feeling good lately, probably just the flu. So I offered my services for the day. What’s wrong with that?” You stared at him. Was he cuter upside down than the other way around?

“Nothing, it’s just… are you ok?”

“Please, don’t pull a therapist on me, I already had my mandatory session today. I swear I’m ok, I’m just bored of doing nothing. No adrenaline, no deadlines.”

“You’re really addicted, hm?”

“What can I say, Buckley, I wasn’t made to stay still.” As soon as the local news was over and football started, you moved back to your book. Buck got up and went for some beers. “I’m just gonna finish this and I’ll see myself out.”

“I’m gonna charge you rent for my couch.” He sat on the floor, right next to your face. Third time in his living room was a charm, right?

“Wasn’t the lasagna enough?”

“I thought that was for my Xbox. Want one?”

“No, thanks.”

You opened your book again, but the sudden proximity with Buck was the only thing you could focus on. The five o’clock shadow, the red birthmark on the left side of his face, the brightest eyes you’ve ever seen… Staying alone with your thoughts for too long was making you think of things you once judged impossible.

It was a split second, but he caught you red handed, staring at him. You smiled and moved your eyes to the pages of your book, not sure where you left off.

One big hand snatched the object from you. You turned to your side to complain and retrieve it, giving Buck the perfect opportunity to bring your lips close and kiss you. It barely turned into a deep kiss before you took some space to process what was happening. Your action made Buck a little confused, blinking his eyes and nervously messing with his own hair.

Your ribcage started hurting, so you moved your body carefully until you were sitting on the floor, face to face with him. Giving him enough time to change his mind, to say he actually didn’t mean it. Because how could he kiss someone like you?

You thought you’d never see a glimpse of fear on the eyes of one of the most fearless men you knew. Buck was too stunned to say anything, his full, pink lips slightly open. Your hand found the curve of his neck, your cold skin over his boiling hot veins.

You leaned in for another one. He pulled you closer carefully. However, it was nearly impossible to avoid the messier, helpless kisses. Evan Buckley was finally taking over your mind, maybe even your whole body.

Both of you had to move back a little, taking quick breaths after such intense kisses. You rested your hands on his shoulders and smiled.

“Did it really take me getting trapped in a burning building for us to have the courage to do this?” You bit your lower lip, trying to avoid him noticing your blushed cheeks.

“I don’t know about you, but I wanted to do this for a long time,” he confessed.

And it caught you by surprise. So Maddie was really telling you the truth.

“Wait, how long?” He avoided eye contact and you laughed. “No, Buck, please. Tell me.”

“Do you remember that shift I got your number with Eddie? So,” he took a deep breath, “I was planning on asking you out that day, but I just… I chickened, ok?”

“And right after that you ate all my cupcakes when I was at Maddie’s. Off to the best start, Buckley.”

“Not my best move, ok?” He laughed. “How many months ago was it?”

“No clue, to be honest.” You pecked his lips again.

Buck’s arms held you close, not willing to let you go. His lips were just inches away.

“Should I remind you of my doctor’s orders?” you whispered.

“You’re never walking into danger on my watch again.” Buck finally let you go, but it was written in his face it wasn’t what he wanted. His touch lingered a little longer, a little too deep. And you were sure you were mirroring his actions.

“I know.” You got his video game console and your book. “See you tomorrow?”

“Sure thing, Brains.”

You leaned over, leaving a goodnight kiss and a promise to come back to whatever you just started.

+++

“Ok, do you want some snacks? I,” you checked your storage once again, noticing how you should’ve added “do groceries” to your list. “How are we feeling about popcorn?”

“I love popcorn!” Chris replied, his focus on the TV screen.

“Popcorn it is.” You turned the machine on and measured the serving. You heard knocks on your door. “Just a second!”

Maybe Eddie was back because Chris forgot something in the car? No, he had everything in his backpack. You opened the door, but your eyes stayed on the kid on your couch. “Really, Eddie, don’t worry. I can watch him for as long as you need and… Buck.”

“Hi.” Even if he looked like he just left the shower, his voice sounded like he ran a marathon and stopped at your door.

“Buck!” You both heard Chris from the couch. “Are you joining us?”

“Only if Brains let me.” He smiled, waiting for you to invite him in.

“How could I say ‘no’? Come in, we are playing video games and having popcorn.”

“You can play with me!”

“I’ll be there in a sec, Chris. I just need to talk to Brains first,” he pulled you aside and out of Chris’ view. Not like the kid is paying any attention to you, anyway. “Hey there.”

“Hi. Why do I have a feeling you’re here to babysit me?” You move to your kitchen, rushing to find the popcorn bucket in your cabinets.

“Can you blame me? You have two broken ribs, self diagnosed burnout syndrome,” you mumbled, “ok, your therapist said you have it, and you’re babysitting Chris on a day you’re supposed to wake up after 3.”

“It’s just for a few hours, and he’s not like Jee-Yun,” you pointed out the reality: Chris was just a little bit sick and Eddie didn’t want him to be alone. “So you’re here to see if I have plans for today.”

“Kinda.” He opened the top cabinet and gave you the bucket. “Do you?”

You elbowed him on the torso, playfully.

“Watch your step, I know his reputation.” You pointed to Chris over your shoulder. “But the answer to your question is no.”

Buck smiled, satisfied with himself. “Hey, Chris, orange or apple juice?”

“Apple, please! I’m crushing you!” The kid's voice indicated a promise to end Buck’s character.

“Ok, buddy, if you say so,” he turned to you and whispered, “so it’s a date?”

“Yes, Buckley. Now are you gonna help me with Chris or not?” You served two glasses of apple juice.

“Sure thing, but I might need to run some errands later because,” and he stopped himself. “You’ll see.”

a/n: hi is there anyone here still? i know guys, i was gone, no sign of life, but hey, i'm back (i hope so). IT FINALLY HAPPENED! i had to make this chapter shorter than usual because otherwise it would be too big. so that's it. see ya soon!

[sout999]

adhd talk

the third truly unsung project alongside my film and dissertation was the weird amount of targeted effort i had to put into Completing Anything Big As A Neurodivergent Person Whose Brain Is A Crazy Off The Rails Train Staffed and Patronised Entirely By Multiple Exact Copies Of The Squirrel From Ice Age

which is a description like 99/100 people reading this can relate to, but i think a sentiment i see less often and therefore feel kind of stupid and stubborn and lonesome about is "adhd is innate but is also exasperated by hectic lifestyle/modern instant gratification machines so if i fix my habits around those i can cure myself forever". which is silly and wrong but also i feel abit disconnected from adhd social media culture and cant cope just relating to it (which is all it seems to be sometimes) but learning to harness or tame it to do the things that are really important to me

i felt really cringe tbh having to look up youtube videos of HARVARD STUDENT REVEALS PRO STUDY TRICK and then narrowing it down to specifically adhd-focused study videos and keeping a planner and setting aside specific time to study studying and practising anti-academic meltdown journaling techniques and reading fucking atomic habits but i really didn't want to contribute to my abhorrent academic record following me all through undergrad. in fact i wish i had done this sooner but i was not self aware enough to consider the fact

probably the best change i made was severely cutting down or being mindful of social media time, i don't backread my tl anymore and have more moments of awareness when i find myself dumbly scrolling and realize i dont want to be doing this, and then wondering what i actually Do want to be doing. i keep a book nearby to read, and have also swapped a lot of social media time to sketching-off-pinterest time. reading about the psychology behind social media apps is also super interesting, although i always feel like a paranoid wacko conspiracy theorist talking about it. stuff like how negativity and judgemental behaviour is good for engagement (and therefore ad revenue), and how if all posts on your tl were interesting you wouldn't be as addicted to social media as you are, therefore microblogging employs a slot machine/gacha system where you "roll" for posts by logging on and hope to get a good one. it's a little full on but the more i think of it as a revolting and evil machine the more incentive i have to do something else with my time ^q^

a harder thing to do was, in the late stages of the project, the real crunch time month, avoid everything that could become a huge hyperfixation, and then eventually even minor distractions or fixations. because i know if i got super obsessed with something i'd just be up posting about it or drawing fanart. i had to bar myself from persona 3 remake and elden ring dlc and all these other shiny new releases, and the mobile games i was playing... i look forward to catching up on them now. i took up reading books a lot more because unfortunately thats just not as exciting. in the last month of film work i stopped listening to music on my computer so i wouldnt get drawing or animation ideas to distract me from film work. as of writing this i havent listened to music in like 40 days guys 😱 at the same time i am the kind of person who needs background noise to work, so i have:

watched novum's four hour hereditary video essay three times

watched novum's seven hour midsomar video essay three times

watched that one five hour bojack horseman retrospective twice

listened to audiobooks of the Britney Spears biography, Jennette McCurdy biography, three Playboy Bunny biographies (i was on some sort of lady bopgraphy kick i guess), and a few fiction books

rewatched all of bojack horseman

started on House MD and got a few seasons in before i finished the project, amazingly the perfect show to look away from bc of all the medical stuff, how many lumbar punctures do you need to show like seriously

honorable mention to the learned skill of communication and being honest and picking your battles and killing your darlings which is a larger part of managing mental illness than i cared to admit but one of the hardest ones because it involved confronting things and making big painful drastic changes and then having to tell the faculty about them. sometimes i'd be stuck on a piece of animation work for weeks/months, then go back and change the underlying idea to one i'm actually passionate about, and do the animation work in one day using newly found magical hyperfocus passion power. it's crazy! but being able to be confident about taking those steps rather than keeping on with what you're "supposed" to do went a long way.

i very much look forward to listening to a music and playing some video games properly now and being pulverized like a small victorian child from the sheer amount of fun i'm having. i'd say it was all worth it and a fun experiment in channeling the magical humours of passion and boredom and i hope it will help me with future projects too. i Am super burnt out though x__ x thanks for reading and for all your support up until now!

[yourdeepestfathoms]

I was staking your ur yaelokre tag and I swa you were a published author and???????????? Would you mind me asking what exactly you published? (Infodumping encouraged!)

i’ve only got one published book out right now, which was done through self-publishing on Amazon, but i’ve sent two of my three manuscripts off to two different publishing companies to hopefully get them picked up and published! fingers crossed!!

my current book out is called Servant of Evil! it’s a historical fiction tragedy about the Salem Witch Trials, told from the perspective of one of the afflicted girls, Mary Warren. it details her involvement in the trials and how it rapidly tore the town of Salem apart, as well as detailing her slow descent into despair as the overwhelming guilt of her actions rips at her mental state.

the story is very grim and had me crying on several occasions, and i’m the author!

i wrote the book because i was hyperfixated on the Salem Witch Trials, which started when i was a junior in high school when we read The Crucible. however, it wasn’t until a year later that i actually started to do something with said fixation, as my mom took me to Salem for a graduation and 18th birthday gift, which reignited my passion for the event and got me writing! SoE was finished within two months, but it wasn’t actually published until January 2023.

here she is!

if you wanna buy the book, you can get it here!

do be warned, though, as the book is very heavy and covers a lot of serious subjects such as: self harm, suicide, sexual assault, abuse, and torture.

my other three finished manuscripts are:

Medusa’s Child, a three-part historical fiction series about Medusa raising a human child named Theodora (Teddi for short), who goes on to avenge her when she’s killed by Perseus. i have another account sharing details about the books: @mommy-medusa! (this is the one i sent to a publisher!)

Fog Makes People, a psychological horror-thriller duology about a fictional town called Lochmere that is haunted by a strange fog that causes people to go missing. sixteen-year-old Beatrice “Bee” Lamb is returning to Lochmere after spending some time away with cousins due to constant harassment from the community. she was the sole survivor of a fire at school that killed nine other kids, eight of which didn’t die from the fire itself but rather from being taken by whatever is in the fog. however, the night of her return, she begins to get texts from one of the fire victims, and she starts to realize that maybe the people who go missing in the fog aren’t actually dead. this send her down a rabbit hole where she desperately tries to save her friends, which is difficult in and of itself, but things get even more complicated when she officially discovers and subsequently meets the mastermind behind it all: an enigmatic, horrific creature known as the Rorschach. (this is the other one that’s been sent to a publishing company!) (this one is my favorite, i’ve spent so long developing it.)

and Hell or High Water, a survival horror-splatter punk set on a cruise ship called The Grey Palace, following a teenage girl named Violet Nicotero. this cruise ship gets hijacked by some maniacs and stranded out in the middle of the ocean, where the passengers are slowly picked off by these mask-wearing freaks. (i hate this one so much. it was my first ever book written, and it was supposed to be my debut novel, but i started to resent the whole thing after editing it so many times. i got too frustrated with it, so i put it aside to work on SoE instead, and it’s been in timeout for about two years now ever since.)

they’re all my babies, and i hope to get them all out in the world one day, including all my works currently in development hell!

[sl33paholics]

Can't Be Fulfilled

Jotaro Kujo x Black!Female reader

Warning(s): Mentions of divorce, infidelity, domestic v¡olence, arguing, angst, listen the shit is depressing alr? Felt like writing one bc I got tired of the smut. Can be triggering into some readers.

We're close to 40 followers. Thx everyone 🤲🏾

"I don't think this is going to work anymore..."

You stood near the bedroom door with your hand on your elbow, looking at your husband on the bed before staring at the other side of the room as your eyes quickly met the ground. The room was completely silent, save for the quiet sounds of your breathing and the sound of your heart beating in your chest.

"What do you mean?"

You flinched. "Just... I'm tired of this. All of this, Jotaro." You sighed, turning your head slightly toward him. "All of it...this is too much. Days, weeks, hell, even a month of you being away because of your work, it's not fair." Your voice was barely audible through your closed teeth. Tears stung your eyes, but you weren't ready to give in yet. You had been trying so hard not to break down, but it just wasn't working out. You had tried to keep it together for years but it wasn't possible anymore. You watched as Jotaro put his book aside on the nightstand right next to the bed and sat straight up, facing your direction. "It ain't fair...for me...for Jolyne." He opened his mouth to say something, but you interrupted him, continuing. "And it's not fair for you either, Jotaro." His expression grew grim after your last statement, knowing that he had failed you once again, but he wasn't expecting this.

"Y/N...don't tell me what I think you're trying to say." His tone sounded more serious than usual. "Are you saying...you want us to split up? Is that what you're getting at? Y/N...we can make this work. We always have-"

"Yes," you said quietly. "I tolerated your absence for these years but you have to understand how things are now, Jotaro. Our daughter is growing up and as the years go by I don't want her to..." You paused. "Not this again."

Jotaro didn't let you finish. "She's seven years old." You wanted to respond but Jotaro continued anyway. "I work my ass off to provide for this family. I try. You know I try, Y/N. Every day." He took a deep breath and stared at his hands resting in his lap. "To keep both of you safe. To make sure we'll be okay. And this is how you repay me? With this? This bullshit? This stupid fucking arrangement of yours?" The tears were streaming down your face silently now and you felt yourself crumple into yourself further. Jotaro finally stood up. "We've had this conversation before, Y/N."

"I'm sorry," you choked out between sobs. "I'm sorry, Jotaro, I am. But you have to listen to me." Your voice was small and soft. "You don't know how many times Jolyne asks me when you're going to be home or if you're coming back, at all. When I'm bathing her, her bus dropping her off, braiding her hair, or even reading her to sleep."

Jotaro scoffed and stepped closer to you. "She misses her daddy." You could feel his eyes bore holes into you. "Even if she doesn't talk about it." He stopped close enough to touch you but still far enough not to scare you.

"She does," Jotaro responded. "But we shouldn't split up over this Y/N I told you whenever I got the job, that I won't be here as often. I'll try to respond when I can or if I have time off. What about that can't you understand?" Jotaro's voice rose with each word, becoming louder until you were sure the neighbors would hear what he was saying. You bit your lip and averted your eyes from his gaze. The truth was, you hated when he used this argument against you. It made everything hurt. Made everything worse.

"Do NOT try to pin this on ME!" you clapped back, seeing Jotaro startled, which is rare. "Of course I understand! I'm not stupid, JoJo! If it wasn't for your goddamn job, we wouldn't be having this discussion! Talking to me as if I have no damn sense, I supported you when you were pursuing your degree!" finally turning to look him in his ocean eyes. "Can't you see our marriage is falling apart?!" Your voice broke at the end. "I make sure to text you every morning, leave a voicemail every time you don't pick up the fucking phone, even LETTERS! It makes me believe something happened to you!" you continued.

"That's because I'm WORKING! I can't be on or even near my phone every second of the hour to respond to you. What's wrong with you, woman?!" Jotaro shook his head. "You have to understand that I'm stressed out too, you know? Not only with work but make sure to at least keep in touch with you every time I have the chance to!" he shot back. You pushed him out of your way, angrily stomping out of your shared bedroom into the hallway. Jotaro followed behind you as if his life depended on it and you heard him call you an idiot. You ignored him. You kept heading towards the living room.

Jotaro came to a halt when he saw packed luggage on the ground. "What the fuck is this?" he asked.

"I'm serious, Jotaro. This isn't going to work out no more," you replied without looking at him. He grabbed you by your arm and spun you around to face him. You tried to yank your arm out of his grasp but failed, you were nowhere near his level of strength. The sharp pain of being pinned against the wall. "Let go of me-" "You got some damn nerve!" Jotaro roared out in your face, quickly shutting you up. "Y/N, we are NOT getting this divorce! We've had our ups and downs, I admit that. But we always work it out one way or another, you're NOT leaving me for another guy who you think that's ten times better than me!" "Ten times better?" you echoed incredulously. Jotaro looked like he was getting ready to explode, the veins in his forehead bulging dangerously, and his lips turned downward into a frown. "I never said I was cheating on you, I wouldn't do that! Just because we don't have sex as much anymore, doesn't mean I would cheat!" you screamed.

Nothing but back and forth. It was for certain that your neighbors could hear you two bickering and the police were called. If only you two could see the green-eyed little girl peaking through her slightly cracked door watching and clutching onto the dolphin plushie her dear father gifted on her birthday. The sad expression on Jolyne's face watching her parents argue. She knew it was bad news. It was very alarming news. Sickening. Disgusting. Horrifying. Jolyne was scared and confused. She knew her parents loved each other deeply. How could they fight like this?

"You ain't leaving. That's final." Jotaro stared into your dark brown-colored eyes before letting your arms go, watching you slowly slip to the ground as you slightly sobbed in your hands. He stood there before kneeling to your level, gently wrapping his arms around you, embracing you in a hug. "I'm sorry, dear," Jotaro said quietly. "I know it feels like I'm abandoning you, but please believe me when I say we will work this out, together." You nodded, sniffling and leaning further into his hold. You closed your eyes and gave into his embrace.

You can't help but be disillusioned.

[lucius-the-sinful]

WIP Wednesday

I have a couple of things for yall <3 (ty @pocket-vvardvark for the tag)

From Chapter 5 of '99 Again

Silas found himself thinking of home less and less with each passing day. He still wondered if he was missed, if all who knew him even noticed his absence. He knew he missed Loid, his closest friend by far. They could talk for hours--about different research projects they were doing, or books they were reading, or about their lament. It took a while to ease Loid enough to where he openly spoke of Albrecht. He more than once showed appreciation for Silas’ willingness to listen. But it was all he could do. He did not know if it was enough.  On the contrary, Silas did not talk about Duviri to Loid. Yet, it was a major subject of conversation with the Hex. He found himself reliving centuries upon centuries of the spiral. Maybe it was good to unpack it, but did he deserve their pity? Was he burdening them?

And from Chapter 5 of Temperance

The elevator rumbled as it climbed the height of the mega building from the car garage to Zafir’s new apartment. He felt wildly out of place--he was certain he looked out of place.  He tried to make himself small and quiet, like an extra in a braindance, as he moved along the trash filled hallway to his door. There were eyes on him regardless. 

and from a random prompt from a month ago that im going to finish mark my words

Rook didn't think too much on Hands’ message. Private matter usually meant a gig on the low, or a solo gig. Maybe a business dealing, like when Rook was Wade’s plus one at the Black Sapphire party.  When the door to Hands’ room slid open, Rook’s nose was assaulted with cigar smoke. He stepped in, wafting the air in front of him. Hands was on one of the couches, legs crossed and flipping through a magazine, cigar between his fingers. In the ash tray, there were two other spent ones. Despite his demeanor not giving anything away, Rook knew something was up.  “Ventilation broke or some shit?” Rook said.  “Funny,” Hands was short. He tossed the magazine aside. “I have something that will be easy, but you cannot speak to anyone about it. Not even Cas.”  “Okay,” Rook drew out the syllables.  “Quick and dirty,” he stood. “Someone double crossed me, and I need you to kill them.”  Rook crossed his arms. “Can I ask how?”  Wade glared at him. “Absolutely not.”  “Fine… how much?” “Enough,” Hands waved him off. “Sending you the details. Run along now.” 

Rook didn't have time to wash the blood out of his biker suit, or wipe the stain off his helmet. He was rightfully pissed, not about the killing itself, but the who and the what. He marched down the corridor. The cigar smoke has mostly cleared, and he found Hands in about the same position he left him.  “You fucking set me up!” Rook yelled.  Wade sighed, taking the sight in. “I assure you, I did not. Was the job completed?”  “Yeah, no shit it was. Sent me right to the fucking wolves!”  Mr. Hands pinched the bridge of his nose. “I did no such thing.”  “You coulda told me it was a fuckin cyberpsycho!”  Hands looked genuinely taken aback. “Hm, perhaps that makes more sense.”  “You’re insufferable.”  “I'm transferring your pay right now,” Hands poured two drinks. “Come on, let me make it up to you.”  The funds Rook received were the full amount they agreed, and then some. The merc sighed, and plopped on the couch. 

[iowadream]

following up on this post i made last year:

the context of this is that when i said i wanted to read more, i meant i wanted to finish more books, which i did do (finished 2 books this year as opposed to the 0 books i finished last year), but that's still a pathetically low amount. i'm renewing this resolution to be for this year too

definitely fulfilled this. i have not logged into twitter all year i have no social media apps on my phone and i maybe log in here once every couple of months now. aside from that i just check in on the instagram desktop app a handful of times a week (mostly to check dms) and i'll look at bluesky social every now and then but it's kinda boring. i have my own weird neuroses about whether spending less time on social media is such a holistically good thing but i think that the positives have at least the capacity to outweigh the negatives

didn't do this lol. the people who were pushing me to do this were at a company that laid me off at the end of february and i got hired by a company that kinda doesn't give a fuck. i think i still should probably take the FE but it's not a priority for me right now

also didn't do this. i honestly practice piano less now than i did in 2023 and that's been a HUGE disappointment. i understand why that is and i think tackling that is one of my first priorities going into the new year

i did this! the five live shows i played: - Nisi Pulsewidth at the new year's house show (i went on at 12:50 am so i'm counting this) - Omit/Transmit Orchestra at Chicago Psych Fest 2/27 - D Jean-Baptiste at Elastic Arts 6/14 (i did live multichannel mixing of their sound collage Halve) - Omit/Transmit Orchestra at the Rudolf Steiner Branch of the Anthroposophical Society 7/16 (one of my bandmates had a poetry reading there that we outro'd) - Omit/Transmit Orchestra at live wire lounge 9/1 (we got on a bill with some metal bands at the last minute haha) (we do not make anything close to metal) additionally, OTO has a regular slot doing live scoring for a contemporary dance phrasework workshop at the arts center we all rehearse at, which has met.... 4? times this past year. these have all been incredibly rewarding experiences and i'm excited to do more performances going forward

didn't do this, but that's just because other music stuff took priority. i'm currently working through the beginning phases of some solo project stuff that may bear fruit sometime this year, hopefully. i did record like 3 things (an album, an ep, and a jam session) this year in a studio-to-quasi-studio capacity, and the latter is currently released. i played ekit and did live mixing on tracks 18-23 of this:

[justmybookthots]

Legendborn

Um??????????

I put this book off for so long because a) I heard the next book in the series only comes out in 2025 and I didn't want to be left hanging, and b) I wasn't the biggest fan when I heard there was a (sigh) love triangle in there. And yet here I am, having finished it at long last.

Confession: I was/am in the middle of something like a reading slump. February has not been kind to me with my reads. When the Ann Liang book I was anticipating for months let me down horrifically, ALL the books that followed either fell flat too or were just… middling. I went through book after book feeling empty, and then I told myself: you know what. Legendborn has been on EVERYONE and their mother's radar, and their responses are the same—near unanimous acclaim. It's honestly quite insane.

So I took a gamble. I got the book and started reading it. 

You can TELL. You can just TELL when a book hits right for you, unlike the ones I read before it. I was hooked. Engaged. Totally captivated. I'd read and DNFed another fantasy book just weeks ago, which also utilised King Arthur lore (titled Silver in the Bone), but somehow Legendborn succeeded where that story failed (for me). Maybe I'm just a basic bitch who's a sucker for the typical storyline of a normal girl finding herself entangled with a group of monster slayers and doing tournaments to become one of them. (Is this why… I was instantly enthralled with the Infernal Devices??? Or why I love Demon Slayer—the anime—so much????? I am finding out new things about myself.)

But sure… the beginning isn't anything too different from traditional YA structures. But as you get going, and you continue down the road, you start to see new grounds being tread, and it deviates from anything I've personally read as a teen.

As usual, even though I loved this book, I'm going to do what I almost always do and explore the dichotomy of what I liked and didn't.

Spoilers abound. 

Didn't like:

It was predictable… up to a point (and then I was GOBSMACKED but we'll get to that later). Like, I knew pretty quickly which characters were going to make it to Squires and which weren't. You could just tell from how the author treated certain Pages (the folks trying to be Squires) in a more favourable light. The nice ones win, the not-nice ones don't. I'd have liked more nuance in their characterisation, TBH.

Speaking of which, however, Bree's characterisation at the start was rough. Like, she'd do stupid shit and get in trouble and continue being irresponsible. I wasn't surprised Alice was mad at her, and I don't think that the trouble she faced stemmed solely from her race but rather her irresponsible behaviour (going off-campus when she already knows that's grounds for expulsion and she STILL gets mad when the dean, who decides to let her off, is churlish with her. Seriously?). That said, I am NOT Black, and I can't speak for the quotidian prejudices they face, so take my perception of it with a grain of salt. In any case, Bree changed and this was no longer an issue for me later on.

Nick. And his whole romance with Bree. Like, I really did NOT care. And Nick was pretty much a white boy-damsel in distress the entire story. Every time screen time was devoted to their romance, my eyes would glaze over and I'd start skimming all the kissing and stuff. 

There were a lot of characters. Like, a lot. Too many. My brain was scrambling trying to remember and place everyone in their different roles. And aside from a few (bless William), they didn't have very distinct voices. Greer had, like, ZERO distinctive voice other than being non-binary, which should not be the only thing to define a character. Whitty was… nice, is all? Everyone kinda just melded in my brain, which is probably why none of the character deaths really hit me. 

I'm not a huge fan of Chosen One tropes. But this does play on the trope in a VERY interesting way. 

WHAT I LIKED (!!!!!!!!!!!):

The whole concept of Root and Bloodcraft. I LOVED how the author used magic to convey the colonisation of white men. The idea that Legendborns forcefully TAKE their power, while non-Bloodcraft users only borrow their power, speaks volumes to me. It was such a good way to portray real life.

Also??? The ending twist about Bree????? All along, I was convinced she was secretly the Scion of Lancelot, but I wasn't sure HOW, because all the knights are obviously white. And then the author pulls a fast one on me and she's actually fucking Arthur. The reasoning is so good. I loved how the White Man's own cruelty and their disgusting ownership of Black people led them to this predicament. I think THIS was the part that truly sold me on how terrific and unique this book was.

Characters-wise… William. Like, I adore the fuck out of him. In another world, in an even less conventional book, William would have been the hero for me. He's exactly my type with how calm and confident he was without needing to be overbearing about it. In fact, he was so gentle. (Makes me think of Jem Carstairs, but obviously Jem is THE published blueprint for types like this.)

Sel. Yes, I know I just talked about how I didn't like overbearing characters, and I initially went into this book expecting to hate him, but… :) I thought he was quite justified in his hatred / distrust towards Bree at first, knowing what he knew about how the mesmer and Oaths didn't take. I'll see if my opinion of him changes in the sequel. 

I  really, really liked how for once, King Arthur wasn't depicted as just some hero. He actually seemed almost villainous in this book, especially in the moments when Bree was possessed by him. What happened to her supposedly getting wisdom when she Awakened, though? This man does not sound wise at all. I am intrigued.

I am so glad I read this book. SO GLAD. I was down in the dumps for a bit and finally reading a good fantasy made me feel a thousand times better. I'm a bit nervous reading the sequel because some things often don't live up to their predecessor, so I shall see.

- 28 Feb 2024

[finchers-ipad]

‘David Fincher: Interviews’ Edited by Laurence F. Knapp book highlights!!

I just finished this book and it was SOOO fucking interesting, here are some of my favourite quotes from it :))

-"Because of the horrible Aliens thing, every time I hear the name Fox, it just makes me shrivel. I lose circulation in my hands and feet and I think I'm going to become a quadruple amputee.”

-"I never thought it was scary at all. I turned to the editor and said, 'My God, what have we done? We've totally let people down in the fucking terror department; we need to go shoot some dismembered bodies. Go and see if you can get someone from a morgue and chop 'em up. "

-"Right up to when we finished, I just didn't think it was violent enough. I was like, We've got a movie called Fight Club, we might as well call it Glee Club?”

-"There was absolutely nothing fun about making the movie." He gives the matter a little more thought. "Nope," he finally decides. "Nothing."

-DRE: Is Jared Leto tired of getting the crap beaten out of him in your movies? DF: He's perfect for it, isn't he? If there is any guy you want to see get his face burned off it's him.

- So now I have kids in my daughter's school who go: "Man, I love Fight Club," and you go: "Why are your parents letting you watch that? Don't come near my kid."

-I remember being a little bit, 'Uh-oh’ And Brad's drunk and Edward's drunk and Helena's drunk and they're all like, ‘It's great and we love it' and I'm like, That's fantastic. You did notice that there were six hundred other people there who walked out ready to lynch us?'"

-You know, it's like accountants and lawyers all love The Game, and college students and perverts all like Se7en.

- Empire: You've been developing Heavy Metal and Torso, among other projects. Any idea what you're doing next? Fincher: I'm sleeping for six months! I think I'm whoring myself out to come to fly around Europe and defend my honor, but I don't honestly know.

-Look, people come up to me and say, "You started torture porn." And I say, "Fuck you."

- "So it's about fighting." And they went out and sold ads for this movie on World Wrestling Federation. [audience laughs] I said, "You know, the crowd who go to the WWF are going to be made a little uncomfortable. Certainly the opening weekend, they're going to be like, 'Dude, that was gay."

-"aside from being completely unusable, it's fantastic!" They are close to wrapping the final Swedish stint of the production before flying back to LA, where they'll take the weekend off before the last week of shooting. "That gives me two days of uncontrollable weeping," says Fincher.

-"There's a quote from a film critic that David had enlarged, framed, and hung in his conference room," says Social Network writer Aaron Sorkin. "It calls Fight Club 'amoral and Godless.' I think he'd rather have that quote than a Palme d'Or."

other random things:

- Fincher came up with “ikea boy”

- Brad Pitt riding a segway around Fincher’s office and trying to convince him to join him. this was in an interview for benjamin button, and then years later in an interview for ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’ the interviewer says there is a segway in Fincher’s office, in this article, he is also described as a ‘Segway-riding gearhead’.

- if i took a shot every time Fincher or Ed Norton compared ‘fight club’ to ‘the graduate’, i would be dead from alcohol poisoning 

- my favourite interview was ‘Forget the First Two Rules of Fight Club’ by Nev Pierce for ‘Total Film’, it was so funny and well written and interviews Fincher, Norton, Pitt and HBC. i think you can find a preview of it online but PLEASE read it if you like fight club because is so fucking good!!!

[tehmichi]

Massages and Happy Endings - Part 1 - The Set-Up

Notes: Listen, I came up with this idea earlier this year and I'm halfway through. I'm still working on Soap's and I hope to finish it at some point so I can work on Ale, Ghost, and Price's. No spicy here but Part 2 does. At the end of this is a why choose/poly 141 kind of deal. Can totally be read as a reader insert. I used Stella(my OC) from The Assistant because I thought she fit the dynamic the best.

Pairings: Gaz/Fem OC(Reader), Rudy/Fem OC(Reader), Simon/Fem OC(Reader), Price/Fem OC(Reader), Alejandro/Fem OC(Reader), Soap/Fem OC(Reader)

Translations for Spanish words at the end.

__________________________________________________________

Five months ago…

“I’m exhausted,” Stella complained, groaning as she polished off her shot of vodka. “Chasing all these leads and getting absolutely nothing? Esto es una mierda,” Stella cried, exasperated. 

“We’ll get somethin’ soon enough, hen,” Soap reassured her. 

“We better fucking hope so,” Stella said, standing up. “I’d hate for Kate to think being here is a waste of time.” 

“It’s not,” Gaz reassured her. “We’ll find them.” 

“Maldita sea,” Stella cursed. “Alejandro, estos corruptos me acuerdan a la isla puñeta,” she added, standing up. “I’m going to bed. I’m falling asleep in the chair.” 

“Good night, Stella,” the team said in almost a unified chorus.

“Good night, boys. Be good, and don’t stay up late. I do not want to be nursing hangovers,” she said, waving as she walked out of the common area. Their eyes all lingered as she disappeared through the entryway. 

“That ass is fuckin’ gorgeous. I’ve been dying ta get my hands on it,” Soap groaned. They all froze, glancing at him. “What? I’ve seen how you lot look a’ her. Don’t lie to me,” he said, taking a swig of his drink. 

“Goddamit, Soap,” Alejandro cursed. “I can’t get over her smile,” Alejandro finally admitted. “She glows,” he added, pouring himself another shot of tequila. If they were going to talk about Stella tonight, he needed another one. 

“What about her freckles? You’ve noticed those?” Rodolfo said out loud, taking the bottle of tequila from Alejandro and pouring himself another shot. “She gets more of them when she’s out in the sun.” 

“Gods,” Gaz mumbled. “That little content sigh of hers,” he added. Almost everyone in the room groaned at the thought of it except for Ghost. He was keeping himself together well, but his eyes were starting to give him away. “And those thighs, respectfully, can choke me to death.” 

“That time she took down a shadow with a flying scissor,” Simon added, taking a swig of his whiskey. “Fuck,” he breathed. “That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.” 

“He was baiting her, wasn’t he?” Gaz asked.

“An idiot,” Simon chuckled. 

“That he was,” Alejandro said, toasting to the group. 

“Price, you haven’t said anythin’,” Soap started. 

“I want to worship her,” Price finally admitted after a drag of his cigar. “Shower her with attention, take care of her,” he added. 

“We all do, don’t we?” Soap asked. 

“Yeah,” Gaz said. “Do you think she’d give any of us a chance?”

“She’d give all of us a chance,” Soap boasted. 

“And how exactly would you know that, Johnny?” Simon said with an eyebrow raised. 

“I took a look at her e-reader, I’ve seen her book library. Stella’s into ‘why choose’ romances,” Soap answered. Gaz quickly looked up the term on his phone, nearly dropping it when he read the definition. 

“What’s that?” Price asked

“One woman, multiple male love interests,” Gaz answered. They all turned to look at the exit she’d taken before glancing at each other. 

“Have you read any?” Alejandro asked.

“Yeah,” Soap admitted with shrug. “It’s always about her, and making sure her needs are met.” 

“Sounds simple enough,” Rodolfo said. 

“Communication’s important,” Price added. “Taste in books aside, do you really think she’d consider it?”

“We can ask her on a trial basis,” Soap offered. “Listen,” he continued. “This will only work if we all agree to be in it together. We want her happy, aye?” He scanned his fellow teammates' expressions, seeing them all thinking about it. “Up to this point, none of us have made a move on Stella out of respect for her and how loyal we’ve become as a united front.” 

“It’s all of us or none of us,” Alejandro said. 

“Agreed,” Gaz said quickly. 

“Fair,” Simon said, setting his whiskey glass aside. Price and Rodolfo also voiced their assent to the agreement, shaking hands amongst each other. 

“How do we talk to her about it?”

“We wait for the right moment. We’re still together for the next few months until we have to go on leave,” Soap answered Price. 

“Gods, I hope she says yes,” Gaz mumbled. 

“We all do,” Simon said, sighing. 

__________________________________________________________

Now…

“God, I could use a massage,” Gaz groaned as he put his whiskey glass on the table. The team plus Los Vaqueros were resting for the evening, celebrating the success of the completed mission and taking a small reprieve celebration before what came next.  

“Why haven’t you said so?” Stella said, finishing off her drink. 

“What?” Gaz asked, confused. “You know someone?” 

“Yeah,” Stella said as Alejandro poured her another shot. “Me,” she said confidently. Six sets of eyes stared at her incredulously. “What? I’m a licensed masseuse!” 

“Seriously?” Alejandro asked. 

“Yes,” Stella said, laughing. “I thought it’d be a useful skill to have. The therapeutic benefits are an added bonus. It’s partially why Kate looked me up specifically for 141.” 

“You didn’t volunteer this sooner,” Price said. 

“Well, you’re all large men, and we haven’t had a moment to breathe since this whole mess started. I’m a small woman. How about this,” Stella started. “This next week, we’re all here to relax, decompress, and the like, right?”

“Yes,” chorused the entire team in unison. 

“I’ll give you all one. One a day so I can dedicate more than an hour to take care of any problem areas you have,” Stella offered. “I have my massage kit with me.” 

“Really?” Soap asked. “You’d do that for us?”

“Of course,” Stella said with a smile. “I’ll start with Gaz since he’s the one who complained first. You all decide the order the rest of you want to go in.” 

“Do you want us to tell you?”

“Only if you want,” Stella said with a shrug. “Any sensitivities to scents or oils?”

“None,” Price answered. 

“Ninguna,” Alejandro said.

“Yo tampoco,” Rodolfo answered. 

“None,” Gaz said. 

“Me either,” Ghost said. 

“Not that I know of,” Soap answered last. 

“Perfect,” Stella grinned. “Any smells you don’t like?”

“Citrus,” said Gaz, Simon, and Price. 

“Great. I don’t carry those anyway,” Stella giggled. “Tomorrow afternoon, 3 pm work for you Gaz?”

“Yeah, it does,” Gaz answered with a smile. 

“Surprise us with the scents, sweetheart,” Price said, with a small smile. Stella’s cheeks flushed at the pet name, failing to hide it as she took her shot. 

“That I can do,” she said. “Now that I’ve polished this off, I’m leaving and going to get the stuff ready in the med bay. I might need to go shopping off-base to find a few more things. I’ll be back in time,” Stella said, grinning at Gaz. 

“Take your time, Stella. You’re the one taking care of us,” Gaz said. 

“Agreed,” Simon said. 

“You all are too good to me,” Stella said as she got up from her seat. 

“Not yet, hen,” Soap said with a grin. Stella shook her head with a sigh as she left the room, bidding them all good night. 

Once the door closed behind her, the men all huddled together to eagerly discuss the course of the next few days. While Gaz was decidedly going first, the rest of the order needed to be sorted out. While Ghost remained quiet in the corner as the other five deliberated, they ended up going with drawing the remaining days out of a hat. 

“Well, that’s decided,” Soap said as he wrote down the final order on his phone as a note. “Now, we’re all in agreement, no funny business unless she initiates or says something.” 

“Which is when we’ll have the talk,” Price said. Everyone nodded in agreement and shook hands, eagerly anticipating the week off.

_________ Translations:

Esto es una mierda - This is some shit.

Alejandro, estos corruptos me acuerdan a la isla puñenta - Alejandro, this corruption reminds me of the island, goddamit

Maldita sea - Goddamit

Ninguna - None

Yo tampoco - Me either

[ley-med]

Hi!!! I need some advice from you or other doctors/med students. I just have a few exams left till the end of med school but I just. Can’t. Study. Anymore. It’s making me want to throw up. I hate it so much. I open the book and I’m just like 😭😭😭. And the worst thing is that after I’m done with med school I will STILL have to study. Till I die. And I currently just don’t want to study ever again. I feel like it’s sucking all the life out of me. So if someone here ever felt like that, I would greatly appreciate some words of wisdom haha

Oh sweetheart, I feel you! And I assure you, most of us had been here, and still succeeded against all odds. I'm sure others will have some advice too :)

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I passed my last exams, I was also suffering from a very heavy case of "I can't study"-ness (and apparently also undiagnosed ADHD, not helping my case). What worked for me (kinda), I took breaks pretty often. Might seem counterproductive, but it's better if you do something fun/relaxing/anything else for an hour and then study effectively for half an hour, than suffering through that one and a half hour without getting any studying done... Eat well, do sports, and sleep enough! And then, just take a deep breath, and suck it up, force yourself trough the material. Pure force of will. And my favourite motivational pinterest quote: "the quickest way out is trough". (You can't imagine how many times I repeated this sentence like a mantra in my head, instead of actually studying, naturally)

And it's important to remember, you are at the end of med school. You know way more than you believe. If your school is anything like mine, most of these exams will test you on stuff you've already learned once (or twice or thrice etc). You need to freshen it up, definitely, but you already have most of the knowledge you need to pass.

Believe me, I know the feeling that you think about the future and you want to throw up because of all the studying you will have to do after med school. Hell, I'm still in my "school? never again" phase. (I might have slight PTSD from med school... But yeah, we are talking about you and not me here. Anyway.) First off, you will most probably have some time off after finishing med school and before starting your first doctor job. Hide all the medical books from view! If you have a few months, by the end of it you might even be able to read more than a page of a non-science-related book you actually enjoy! But joking aside, time off after med school really works wonders. It's absolutely necessary for your sanity and survival, and it will help regain some of your motivation.

Second off, studying after med school is much more fun! If anyone told me this, I definitely wouldn't have believed them, but it's true. Now I have to study things I'm interested in, things I care about. I see it put to work in day to day life, hell, I use it in day to day life. Never thought I would say this, but studying now is (mostly) fun. I'm starting to remember that I used to like studying, that I'm curious about the world around me... So to summarize, it gets better. It's still studying, sometimes it's still an "I don't wanna" chore, but when the difference between studying or not can literally and actually make the difference between a patient's life or death, that terror makes for a pretty fucking great motivation. And when you studied something and then use it in your work the next week? Amazing feeling.

So hang in there. You got this far already, you can do this! It's going to hurt all the way, but you are going to be standing there on the other side victorious, so just puff out you chest and keep going until you get there.

Best of luck with your exams!

[concerningwolves]

A Long-Overdue Writing Update

I know things have been quiet on the writing front lately. I crashed and burned in December (/had been crashing and burning in slow motion for several months beforehand), and I've decided to stop trying to scrape myself back together with the reasoning that my writing brain probably needs some time to simply be a splattered unproductive mess. I haven't even had the spoons to put my newsletter together.

Ultimately, all plans and tentative schedules here could be purely academic (hah), because I'm starting a Certificate of Higher Education on January 27th and that's probably going to gobble up most of the time I set aside for writing. Also, top surgery is now rather closer than on the horizon, and don't yet know what to expect in terms of recovery time. Regardless, here's how things are looking writing-wise as of today, 11th January 2024:

The Kindness of Ravens (Wyrdseren, book 2)

The Kindness of Ravens draft 3 is so so nearly finished. It's also probably what took me out in the first place, so it's currently sitting there, shelved mid-scene. The final climax is done, which leaves me with the aftercare resolution to write, and then I can say this draft is finished.

There is really very little left to do to the story itself. I've got all the events ordered as I want them, and I'm finally back to feeling enthusiastic about it. (Which is particularly nice considering that at one point I was seriously considering pulling the plug on the entire thing!). Yes, I did take on more of a challenge than necessary, but I do think it has paid off and I'm genuinely so excited to (eventually) bring the finished story to everyone. Still don't want to give anything concrete by way of a release date/schedule, though.

The Blood Enigma

TBE got beta-read back in June/July. It's in fairly solid shape, and I've got a firm plan of action in place for it. Granted, said plan is on hold right now and I didn't manage to get the book released in 2023 as I'd intended because Ravens takes priority, but I'm not beating myself up over that (<- said through gritted teeth). Once I finish the current draft of Ravens and give the beta reader feedback another look-over, I'll be able to come up with the time-frame for the rest of the work I need to do on it.

Falling Stars (series)

In more exciting news, once TBE is published, I'm going to start drafting the first book in my (*deep breath*) high fantasy zombie apocalypse environmental horror slow-burn polyamorous romance series (more streamlined pitch pending). I felt like I had more to learn about handling fantasy and series in general before I could tackle this one, and I think the story has really benefited from having time to gradually congeal while I worked on other things. I'm unbelievably hyped to start working on it properly.

Misc. Updates

I'm slowly chewing over two more potential WIPs: first, I've made a tentative plan for adapting my short story The Seal Daughter into a novella or novel set in the same world as The Blood Enigma, because there's definitely more I want to explore regarding transgender selkies and the idea of "seal children" as opposed to seal wives/seal husbands.

Secondly, I've recently been highly enamoured with trying my hand at a historical fantasy, (or at least pulling history into a fantasy setting), specifically one inspired by the Viking age and viking culture. Do I have a plot? Possibly. Or at least, I have a first chapter planned out and I know what the consequences of the events in said first chapter will be. Mostly though, I have vibes and sea monsters, which I think is a great pairing to bring with me into the new year.

[cultivating-wildflowers]

Books of 2023 - February

This month I caved to tumblr dashboard pressure and picked up the Lockwood series instead of a few stand-alones I had meant to get to. So it goes. Between that, a short and sweet nonfiction, and some excellent Dorothy L. Sayers, it was a good month for reading.

As for the other books from my 2023 TBR, we'll call them lackluster, which is irritating.

Total books: 8  |  New reads: 7   |   2023 TBR completed: 3 (2 DNF) / 5/25 total   |   2023 Reading Goal: 21/50

January | March

#1 - 84, Charing Cross Road by Helene Hanff - 5/5 stars

I borrowed this book back in November. NOVEMBER.

What took me so long? Beats me! But I am very glad I kept it (and that I saw one of the tumblr gals rec it) because it was the perfect book with which to launch into February, that most hated of months. What a cozy, delightful, charming book. I need my own copy ASAP. (The library copy's pages were pretty fragile and pulled away from the binding if I wasn't careful.)

Yes, I cried a little bit.

#2 - The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers - 3/5 stars (reread, audio)

Well, now I know why I gave this three stars the first time. There were a few things I remembered about it (how well Chambers presents alien worldviews, especially) and a lot I forgot....

#3 - A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers - 4/5 stars (audio)

I don't normally like stories that bounce between timelines, but it worked really well for this. Unfortunately I still dislike the narrator. It's like she has no idea how a conversation works; her inflections are all over the place.

#4 - The Screaming Staircase by Jonathan Stroud - 5/5 stars (audio)

So I did have this on my TBR for the year (and it's been on my general TBR for a while) but I only picked it up now because, what with the new show, my dash has been inundated with Lockwood & Co content. I have no intention of watching the show, but I'd like Tumblr to be usable again....

Based on everything I've heard about this book (and series) over the last few years, I went into it with pretty high expectations, and I wasn't disappointed. I even liked the narrator! Everything works so well: characters, worldbuilding, narrative voice…. The pacing threw me off a little but it didn’t detract from the story. I’m definitely gonna recommend this to some people.

#5 - The Whispering Skull by Jonathan Stroud - 4/5 stars (audio)

Unfortunately the narrator for this sequel changed from the first one, and I didn’t like her as much. Fortunately the story itself had all of the pros of the first one! I'll admit I lost it during that final confrontation, man....

#6 - The Nine Tailors by Dorothy L. Sayers - 4/5 stars

Almost a month later, I finished! I really did enjoy this installment (nearly as much as Murder Must Advertise). It's just that for some reason these books take forever for me to get through.

But there's something about how Sayers writes an ending. I don't know it is, but it always seems to work impeccably.

#7 - The Hollow Boy by Jonathan Stroud - 5/5 stars (audio)

Ok. It is rude to leave one book on a cliffhanger and then open the sequel with a completely unrelated action sequence set six months later.

Rude.

That aside, the series is (unsurprisingly) holding strong. Even better: The Hollow Boy does not suffer from Middle Book Syndrome! I wasn't expecting so many pieces from the first two books to carry through and expand here, but I am definitely enjoying it. (Read: Panicking.)

[also we had yet another narrator and I liked her even less than the first two because she butchered George's voice and what was up with the Skull??]

#8 - Gaudy Night by Dorothy L. Sayers - 5/5 stars ('23 TBR, audio)

One of my Top Anticipated Reads of 2023!

*screams into carpet*

DNF

Children of the Fleet by Orson Scott Card - It's a no from me, kids. Took me a month and a threat from the library to make up my mind.

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier ('23 TBR) - I can see why people like this book, and I agree it's well written; it just didn't grab me. I own a copy, so I'll probably try it again at some point, but I absolutely could not make myself read it this time.

Zero Sum Game by S.L. Huang ('23 TBR, audio)

This book was not what I was expecting, and not at all something I normally read. While I liked the premise, Cas was awful. Yes, we get it, you’re the specialist, most edgy little murder girl. Math is you superpower, that is legitimately cool. Why don’t you try paying attention to the plot for two seconds instead of constantly reminding everyone how dangerous and obnoxious you can be.

It will probably make no sense to anyone else, but I had the same issues with this book that I had with Ready Player One, if to a lesser degree than that nightmare. Zero Sum Game felt like it was trying a little too hard to be cool. Cas was trying way too hard to be tough. And yes, I cackled when she pitched a fit every time she saw a Glock for the first 20 chapters only to breathe a sigh of a relief when she picked up a Ruger. I mean, same, but I hate Glocks for different reasons than "they're cliche".

The most personally irritating aspect to me was Rio. Normally I go nuts for this kind of character (think Zero from The City Between, Silas from The Graveyard Book, and Scar from FMA). Here? Again: trying too hard.

[cafalla]

2024 READING - COMPLETED BOOK 16/12

Hehe, well hi again. Just like my most recent last post from *checks blog*...August..., I've fallen a bit off the wagon for both reading and posting.

Despite starting this book soon after finishing my last, it took me months to get through it. Not because I didn't enjoy the book - I absolutely did. The other day I simply realized I wasn't setting aside time anymore to read. And therefore, I haven't been reading at all.

Lo and behold - once I set aside some time before bed to read again, I found myself wanting to read more and more! Funny how that works. It's kind of like the gym - difficult to set aside the time and energy to start, but so satisfying and addicting once you get rolling.

With the end of the year drawing to a close, I knew I wanted to finish this book before Christmas. Let me get to what is probably my final finished book for this year: Five (324 pages).

This is a murder mystery thriller type of story and I had a lot of fun with it. A main component is geocaching, which was interesting to read about. I've never been geocaching, but admittedly it does seem like a fun hobby. Maybe that is something to try in the new year!

The ending was very entertaining to watch unfold, and I really didn't see the twist coming. Definitely a fun read.

I wish I had more to say about it, but through writing these posts for every book I've read, I've come to realize I just don't like to "review" things lol. I like to read and move on. This is something I've been thinking about and will probably speak on more at length in my final wrap up post.

But all in all, I liked this one and recommend it if the premise sounds interesting. It didn't disappoint, even if it did take me months to sit myself down and get through it haha

—

Total books read: 16 Total pages read: 4,500