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AM I SLEEP DEPRIVED OR DO I WANNA DIE

i really can’t have sleepless days. i become a monster if i do. 

oh btw, went back to tumblr after a few years because i can’t contain my thoughts and feelings anymore. and i want to put it out there on a safe place. i hope tumblr is.

i feel bad when i lose my temper with my child. it’s not good if i ever get sick of working. these days often let me log out of work early and i’m really hoping i won’t get in trouble for that. how are we gonna live?

days like this make me feel like i want to be alone. it’s dangerous because i want to leave him and just do everything by myself. i always feel like i do everything by myself anyway. i feel alone and no one cares for me or even appreciates me.

i am always tired because i know i am doing everything that i can to take care of my family. but why are there no initiatives from people to help me out? or at least appreciate me. don’t make me feel that this is what i gotta do, and i’m the only one who should do it. HELP ME OUT, WTF!

maybe this is my fault too because i always show that i am strong and i can handle everything. lol. so much for my pride.

idk, i am just so tired. i don’t wanna do house chores anymore. i have no problems in working all day but i don’t want to do household chores. it makes me angry and i don’t even get enough credit for that.

it’s always the same chores every single day. i am so sick of it. i want to hire someone but where can we find someone we can trust?

i hate this part of adulting and i am struggling with it. it affects everything. my job, my relationship with my daughter, with my partner and with my sanity. i am always so mad because i don’t want to do this type of work.

just let me do my job and please don’t let me do house chores anymore. it makes me wanna die because i’m so sick of it and i don’t wanna do it. what the fuck.

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Seklusyon (A movie review)

Year after year, the Metro Manila Film Festival showcases different genres of movies. Seklusyon is one of the entries of the festival and is the only horror film for this year. The movie is about the ritual being done by deacons before they officially enter priesthood. The deacons enter a secluded area, thus, the movie’s title. They will stay in the isolated area for 7 whole days where they will be focusing on their decision on being a priest and will do their fasting as well. Before the deacons continue on the seklusyon, they will have their final confession of their sins, and one of the deacons were asked twice if that was all that he would confess before he goes on with his final ritual before priesthood. They were ordered to ignore anything that could be seen or heard in the place for it is said to be the distraction of the devil in their lifetime commitment. On the other hand, Anghela Sta. Ana is a little girl who heals sick people through miracles and is assisted by a nun named Cecillia. She is considered a living saint for all the works that she did but her parents used the child’s gift to be their living and imposed charges on people who wish to be healed by the girl. An incident happened where Anghela’s parents were suddenly murdered inside their own house. The little girl had no idea where to go and so she went straight ahead to their local church. The head priest then decided to send Anghela and the nun to the secluded place where the deacons are currently doing their seklusyon. In the latter part of the movie, the deacons are being haunted by demons and they were actually different types, showing different situations that were then revealed later on as their hidden secrets in life.

I would want to tell more about the movie but I wouldn’t want to spoil the story for you guys. The movie made a great impact to me, as a believer. No, I am not a member of the Roman Catholic. I am a proud Christian, which made me understand more of the things that had happened in the movie which, I believe are not discussed in the Catholic churches.

This movie is actually an eye opener. I’m not saying that this is exposed to show the real ritual or process of becoming a priest; I actually don’t have any idea about that. But in the spiritual side, the phenomenon that happened to the deacons is actually factual. The movie was able to scope the issues about confession, deliverance, idolatry, and, of course, faith. As they were warned that they will be shook by the devil once they start their seklusyon, I understood this that they would be distracted and try to change their decision into holiness. And going through my spiritual life, I chose to become, and is still trying to be holy but it is indeed a hard process. Surely, the devil will really haunt you and try to win you back in doing what type of sin you have enjoyed before. True enough, it is the devil’s work to bring back all the imperfections you had in the past and condemn you about it.

When the deacons’ secrets were revealed in the movie and are being attacked in their own rooms with the literal demons of their past, Anghela would immediately assist them and try to help. They are told by the girl that they would have to confess the most hidden secrets in their past for them to be set free by the demons haunting them. Eventually, they would abide with what the girl says and then the demons fled and they went on with their seklusyon. Whenever Anghela helps them in conquering the demons, they adored her more.

Regarding this, if you start to confess your sins to God, He is faithful and just to forgive you. And once you confess your sins, the devil will no longer have power against you because that sin is the chain that binds you to the devil. In a more practical sense, since the devil’s work in your life has been already exposed, you will actually be ashamed in repeating the wickedness that you have renounced and repented from. The way the movie portrayed the essence of confession is understandable since it is the practical explanation of it though it is not always during a visitation of the devil. Going on through your life, if you have confessed your sins and renounced it, that will be the time that you will no longer have the desire to do repeat the same sin again.

Now this is where the discussion about idolatry comes in. Some people who choose to be righteous tend to admire the people who helped them in their spiritual life more than the real God that they serve. This is actually a reality in some of the Christians. They get blinded by the person’s work rather than praise their real Creator. The miracles done by Anghela can really happen. It is true that we are given gifts of many kinds but for us to activate those gifts and operate on it, is to fill ourselves with the presence of God and His Holy Spirit. It is even possible that one person can have more than one gift from God. Now, what’s sad is that if a person possess these gifts, it is dangerous because the people that could witness their gifts can be idolaters and forget from whom the gifts came from. When in truth, the person they adore is just a vessel of God’s great power.

In the last part of the movie, for me this is the most mind-boggling. What happened is that almost all of the deacons started to praise Anghela and one deacon stood out and refused to worship the girl. However, there were things said by Anghela which would really leave a question mark in your head especially if you are not very knowledgeable about these spiritual things. There was one thing that had a great impact to me. It was when Anghela told the deacon who refused to worship her that in the last days (that is before the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ), people will have difficulty in knowing who is right and who is wrong. She also said that it would be confusing to know whether what we worship is the true God or not and unknowingly, we’re already part of the devil’s pact when all along, we thought we are serving God. There is a deeper explanation to this one but I wouldn’t want to be religiously biased, I respect all kinds of beliefs.

To sum it all up, the movie tackles so many things about spirituality. I have read from other reviews that you should not watch the movie if you have a weak faith and I agree with that. It would somehow test your knowledge about what you know is true about God and the devil. But if you are firm with your belief and you know too well what is written in the bible, then you are good to go and watch this movie. There are many representations in this movie which you could confirm that it is really biblical and not just some phenomena made by the creative minds of this movie. Concerning the moral of the movie, if there’s something spiritual or religious, we should never find other answers to other books but the bible. It’s actually a complete library, and its author is God the Most High. And who could defy Him? No one is better than Him nor is anyone more knowledgeable than He.

Overall, I would rate this movie 8/10 because there were parts of the movie that was not revealed and I wished there was more explanation to some mysterious acts of the characters, for instance, the nun. The setting is a thumbs-up because it was eerie all throughout the movie which adds up to the horror feels to it. And my favorite is all the truths that were exposed in the movie. What I recommend though is if you want to confirm what was executed in the movie, the best reference is the bible. It didn’t just answer the question marks formed because of the movie; it also made you closer to God. And hey, there’s actually nothing better than being close to our Creator, I can attest to that.

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What would happen if I told you how I felt?

#BSP™

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The Aftermath

After the incident in the Halloween party, things were not the same anymore. Not just with him, but also in my workplace and also with the relationships I have with my friends. Because of the scandal that I did in the party, it was a big issue in the office floor. I had a 3-day vacation leave after the party and I was honestly clueless on how I would act when I come to work again. I already projected all the inquisitive looks and questioning stares from my co-workers. Since I was the youngest in the workplace, people expect me to be the sweet, innocent one. So I’m not at all surprised that the scandal that happened is so much of an issue to them. In the 3 days that I didn’t come to work, I stayed at home and thought about what to do when I get back. It’s ridiculous that I even wanted to look really fabulous to try to regain my image in their sight. I wanted to look nice so that even in my outward appearance, they would see something positive because I know that the issue that happened would be forever imprinted in their minds. And worse, it could be my entire identity to them: “The drunken girl in the Halloween party.” I could actually play scenes in my head using that type of title that I acquired.

 Person 1: Hey do you know Bi?

Person 2: Nope, who’s that?

P1: From Clarify, the youngest one. A member of Team Jhasis.

P2: No, I don’t know her.

P1: One of the dancers last Halloween Party.

P2: I still don’t recognize her.

P1: The one who got really drunk that night because of Pogi. Have you heard about what happened that night?

P2: Oh yea, I know her! People told me so many things about her that night.

 Blah blah blah.. I already expected this since I was used to this also from my high school. Back then, I had so many issues that I was always the topic when people are gossiping. I’m not going to elaborate what kind of issue. Let’s just leave it as that.

So I basically went to work after my vacation leave because I don’t have any other choice even though every part of my system doesn’t want to be shown again. When I went back, I prepared to wear a really cute outfit and made sure that my make-up is on fleek so that they could say something nice about me somehow. I prepared my heart for all the questions about the party that would be thrown at me. I arrived at work and my supervisor immediately laughed together with my close friend, who is also my teammate. I laughed with them because it’s somehow fine since they are dear to me. But the real challenge would be for the other people. To avoid other people who were at the party, I chose to have my station in the farthest part of our bay. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone at that time. The day was actually going well until Hajie approached me. He is one of my close friends in the office floor and I always play around with him during our breaks. He asked me what happened at the party and I thought, “Are you seriously asking me that?” I am aware that he knew what happened. So what he did is he confirmed if all the things that I said while I was drunk was true. Since we are somehow close, I answered the questions that he has for me.

From what has happened, I received many criticisms but the good thing is, I also received sympathy and some people actually have comforting words for me. Some of them said that it wasn’t my fault that he led me on and it’s okay to grieve but some people also looked down on me and some called me stupid. Some of my friends didn’t treat me the same anymore. But the best thing that I received is the coaching session from my Team Leader. He took time that is within my shift to comfort me and encourage because this incident could affect my performance at work because he already saw me down and my performance was indeed affected. I am thankful that he took the time and gave me these comforting words so that I could try to go on with my job normally as it was before the Halloween party.

A few days went on and I noticed that I don’t see him around our office anymore. His teammates told me that he has 4 consecutive absences already. This was somehow good to my ears because it would be a good step for me to move on. But it bothered me as well because this job is his source of income so it wouldn’t be good if he would be irresponsible. It’s funny that other people thought that he withdrew his employment because of what happened to us. Well, I sure wish that was the case. But there’s this part of me that wants to see him again. It feels like it’s not a closed chapter for us, or maybe just for me. Maybe I wished that he stopped me from giving up and maybe I wished that he picked me over her. Maybe I wished that he was treated better. But obviously, he chooses his own path. I honestly want to hit him in the head to wake him up into reality. I have to admit that there’s still this desire inside me that wants to be with him. But I need to convince myself to stop. There’s no going back, there’s no point in doing so. I decided that I needed to move forward after all the mess. I wanted to have peace. There’s nothing else that I could do with my munted reputation, that’s for sure. But that’s fine, I should let go and let him be. I already did a huge part to try and change his mind and the way he lives.

Letting go is never easy. He’s an enormous catch for me, with the reason that I myself am not sure of. Maybe it’s him as a whole, I don’t know. But I should move on, not for anybody else’s sake but for me alone. If God did not give him to me as someone permanent, then I would have to accept. I guess he’s just one of those people who are meant to be a part of my life, but not meant to stay. I thank God that he’s teaching me a great lesson that I could carry in all the remaining days of my life. This certain chapter could be a source of wisdom for me.

Maybe I’ll just look at him from afar and desperately wish he was mine. I need to instill in my head that he’s not worth it, I shouldn’t settle for less and I deserve someone better. Someone God-given, the perfect one for me. I know a lot of us don’t believe in destiny, but indeed there is. There is someone out there destined to be for you. The one God has planned. And who knows better than our Heavenly Father? Maybe this is also a testimony on how God moves in my life. It could be a story how God cleanses me personally because he is someone who needs to be purged from my life’s story. I guess he is not part of God’s book for my life. But then again, I wish him the best in life. I hope he would have this desire to follow God and be cleansed as well.

It’s hard to be friends with him again, after everything that has happened. I wish I could still act normal around him. I wish I could do my best to not show this hidden desire for me to have him.

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I swallowed whatever I had to intake. Not because I merely want to, but because it promotes self growth. And I believe developing your individuality is not selfish gain, but it is indeed exquisite that the maturity obtained could greatly affect the people around you. 082316

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Reaction paper on “El Fraile Island”

Ang aking natunghayan ay isang dokumentaryo tungkol sa isang isla na nasa bukana ng Manila Bay. Ang islang ito na kung tawagin ay “El Fraile” ay ginawan ng mga Pilipino kasama ang US Army ng isang battleship at tinawag na “Fort Drum” noong 1909. Ang Fort Drum ay may taas na 40 talampakan at lapad na 20 talampakan at isang kongkreto na puno ng semento. Ayon kay Dr. Ricardo Jose na mananalaysay ng UP, ang Fort Drum ang nagiisang kongkretong battleship sa buong mundo at sa sobrang tibay ng battleship na ito, kahit bomba ay hindi ito kayang sirain. Sa ibabaw nito ay may itinayong mga kanyon na ginamit laban sa mga Hapon at iba pang dayuhan. Sa loob naman ay may mga itinalagang lugar para sa iba’t ibang bagay. Ang Fort Drum ay ginamit din bilang tanod ng Manila Bay.

           Subalit sa kasalukuyan, kahit buo pa ang isla, ito ay hindi na maayos na pinangangalagaan. Wala nang isang tao o komunidad na nagbibigay pansin dito. Nang puntahan ang Fort Drum, wala na ang halos lahat ng nakalagay na mga baril at iba pang bagay na orihinal na naroroon. Napagalaman na ang mga ito ay kinukuha ng mga magbabakal para ibenta sa junk shop. Ayon sa mga lokal na malapit sa El Fraile, ang mga bakal ay naghahalagang P17,000 sa bawat isang tonelada kung kaya’t hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit ganito na lamang kung paano itrato at abusuhin ang El Fraile na para bang hindi ito malaking ambag sa ating bansa nung panahon ng digmaan at gayun na rin sa ating kasaysayan.

           Nakakalungkot isipin na wala nang nagaalaga sa islang ito na dati’y ginamit bilang panlaban sa mga dayuhang hindi maganda ang balak sa ating bansa. Nawa’y mapaglaanan ng pondo ang pangangalaga o pagbalik bisa ng Fort Drum. Ngunit dahil sa mas mahahalagang isyu sa ating bansa na dapat paglaanan ng badyet, mukang hindi sa madaling panahon ang pagsasaayos ng Fort Drum. Sa panahon ngayon, masasabi nating hindi na gaanong kailangan ang Fort Drum pero hindi pa rin nating masasabi kung kailan ito magiging kapaki-pakinabang. Kailanman hindi natin malalaman kung kailan ba tayo aatakihin ng mga dayuhan at mabuti nang may naka-reserba tayong panlaban. Kung ako ang tatanungin, maganda nang mayroon tayong mga kagamitan na ganito upang maging handa sa kung ano mang mga bagay na maaari nating harapin. Hindi lamang yan, ang Fort Drum ay nagiisa sa buong mundo. Ibig sabihin, ito ay karangalan ng ating bansa na sana ay napangangalagaan ng maayos at hindi lamang sinisira or binebenta ng pira-piraso.

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Philippine Treasures (a reaction paper)

“Philippine Treasures”

             The main concern about the documentary is about a few treasures of the Philippines, as discussed by the prominent TV Network, GMA 7. The first part talks about how the Philippines is rich with so much gold. The TV show “Amaya” was somehow able to showcase that early Filipinos lived luxuriously with so much gold in their bodies, which they want to prove that gold is a natural resource in our beloved country. In the Ayala Museum, they were able to present some gold artifacts that are believed to be originally from the Philippines. However, some scholars claim that the gold in the said museum were from different countries. It was documented that a man named “Berto” from Surigao accidentally dug these gold in a mountain and these treasures were later called “The Surigao Treasure”. What I can be happy about is these gold artifacts are considered as attraction in the Philippines and we take credit for it although some claim that it is not originally ours.

           Second part of the documentary talks about the “Golden Tara” which is a 7-inch image of a lady who looks like she is meditating. It was said that a lady Manobo discovered this golden image in July 1917 in Wawa River, Agusan Del Sur. In search for the Golden Tara, researchers of GMA 7 were able to obtain information from a woman named Aling Constancia who claimed to be a granddaughter of the original discoverer of the Golden Tara. However, Aling Contancia corrected the hearsay about the Golden Tara. Original story of it was her grandmother found the image of the Golden Tara in a tree in the open woods. It was said that the Golden Tara was stolen and was eventually sold in the USA in 1922. Even though the government of Agusan no longer wishes to obtain the original artifact, The Field Museum in Chicago, where the Golden Tara is located, is indeed taking good care of the Golden Tara. Aside from the Golden Tara, there are a lot of artifacts from the Philippines which are in the hands of The Field Museum. It’s a great pride for our country that one of our artifacts is located in a museum overseas. However, it would be much better if the artifact is in our country and we take credit in regards to the attraction since it was a Filipino who discovered the artifact anyways.

           Next thing discussed is called the Maitum Jars. These jars were used for of the early Filipinos and were believed to be used way back 5 B.C. At present times, the original Maitum Jars are no longer existent. However, there are replicas of these jars in the building of the municipality where the relic is found, which is in Maitum, Sarangani. These jars were discovered by a group of rebels and it was being sold to the black market. News about the jars spread quickly and as a result, many other people tried to take hold of the jars. This is disappointing for me because people who took advantage of the Maitum Jars never realized what type of treasure they have compromised for money. These jars are part of our history and should have been present until now if not because of the people who discovered it and misused it. For me, our History is priceless; the traditions, cultures and materials used as well. It’s sad to know that those were bought a t a price.

           The fourth thing discussed was about a golden earring which was believed to be a possession of Lapu-Lapu. The earring was found in Cebu when some archaeologists were doing some digging in Boloon. Investigation was done but they also believed that the earring was owned by Humabon. In the same city, writings were found underground of an old church. The writings illustrated that many ships did pass through our country and also this place were used to park the said ships. I just wish that these writings would be further investigated because I believe that it is part of our history as to why these ships are passing by.

           Next part was about a tablet of writings found in Monreal, Masbate. It is believed to be the native system of writing which they called “Baybayin”. The tablet was accidentally picked up when their teacher ordered them to find pieces of rocks. Not knowing what the rock was, students and teachers first used the piece of rock as their doormat. The tablet is open for public viewing and is actually not stored in a more secured place. Experts discouraged this type of act because it should not be touched by our hands. It was explained that the tips of our fingers are acidic, therefore, it might ruin the writings in the tablet. I hope the local government of Monreal would take to consideration the more secured area for the tablet. Although the writings were not yet translated, if the tablet is put in a safer place, then eventually archaeologists can do their research and investigation and we will never know what message we could unravel if we take good care of the tablet.

           Last topic was about our very own National Museum. It mostly talks about the current state of the museum and also the reasons why it is no longer visited much by our countrymen. It was suggested that a renovation should occur for the development of the museum as well as for us to show other artifacts that are hidden in a part of the museum and is also a risk for the treasures. There should be a budget for the renovation of the National Museum because it is one way to present a part of our history and it is an additional attraction for our country which increases tourism for us. And if tourism increases, I believe our economy is directly proportional to it. I just hope that our national government would take consideration for these kinds of things.

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BPO thoughts

I really can’t find the right words to describe my experience in the BPO industry. It’s a jungle of emotions and experiences all together. And I can say that though this was my first company as a CSR, I give two thumbs up for my company (technically, ex), Vodafone. This company is actually an exception to many types of companies, in terms of their contact centre. I was blessed with having a very easy job in the department that I was assigned in. Though the other departments tell us that we have the most difficult workload, I don’t feel that at all. We do have a lot of process but I can say that it’s not that difficult. I am most thankful for that, as a start.  The reason why I’m writing this is because of the extreme separation anxiety that I will probably feel after leaving. I’m not saying that I regret leaving the company, no, not at all. The opportunity to continue my studies aroused that’s why I had to make this decision. But that doesn’t mean that it was an easy one. Though there are tons of reasons to be stressed, this is a happy place for me. Not only because of the people around me, but because of the customers as well. I’m not being a hypocrite, I promise. Haha! I expected a lot of irate customers, as this was what has been a heads up to me. But here in Vodafone, the customers are actually chill. That’s another thing to be thankful to the Lord for. My contact centre is based in New Zealand and the kiwis are really nice people and they are naturally polite. You’ll get an irate caller once in a while but gentle as the kiwis are, at the end of the call they will apologize for being so grumpy and irritated. Now I’m not a perfect person, I get really mad at customers sometimes but whenever this happens, I can honestly feel my heart melt. Like, what did I do to deserve such kindness? Haha! It’s just that, my job is stressful and one person showing kindness to me could be enough to somehow make my day better. I started my life in Vodafone last February 3, 2015. AT first i did not know what to expect. I never had a clue about the call flow, the process and this is my first time to work for a big company. It was such a great honor for me, being young at the time. I think I was the youngest in the account, I’m not sure. When the training started, I somehow have this culture shock about what’s happening and how the trainor delivered the lessons. I thought it was full of sophistication and class. Well, that’s because we have the English Only Policy within the company premises. The flow of the training was fun and efficient and I give two thumbs up to my trainer back then, Ecks Estrella. :) You did a great job, Mon! You’ll always have that mark in my heart. You and your awesome dreadlocks! ;) What I thought about the training being easy made me relaxed. As a result, I passed the training with the passing score only. Nothing more, nothing less. But I still thank the Lord for that. It was still an opportunity for me to have career growth. When nesting came, I was honestly nervous about this because it will be my first time to take calls. Believe me, even when you have gone through all training and lectures, the first call that you will be receiving could make your mind blank. It would feel as though you forgot everything you learned. And it’s hard to manage your handle time even though you are already trained with the tools.  During nesting, I was all over the place. I was not able to do a good job at all. My surveys are always scored zero and I never got a resolved issue as per the customers who got a survey for me. And this was another trial for me which I didn’t know how I overcome. It’s really God’s grace that I’m thankful for. So unexpectedly, I passed nesting and elevated to the production floor. I had a really nice and friendly team, Team Jhasis. The team was welcoming at first and was there to support me through the job. I honestly did not know what was I supposed to do and there’s not much knowledge yet. But I thank God for giving me a very effective and efficient supervisor who did not only guide me in the job but also taught me life lessons and conducted life coaching. He believes that our personal lives affect our work as well. And sure enough, his numerous life coaching really had an impact to me and motivated me to do a good job. But months before I left the company, he was sadly terminated with the reason that is not clear to me up until now. And when he left, I honestly had been de-motivated. My handle time was all over the place and my calls per hour were not the goals set for me. It’s always insufficient. It’s like a part of my skills left with my supervisor. After he left, he was replaced by one of my team mates that is not equally efficient but is skillful as well. She is knowledgeable but in regards to the life coaching, that’s the thing she missed. And that’s what I was longing for in a supervisor.

And there, I learned that the people around you really affect your job. After TL Jhasis left, the management became worse also. This was not a good thing for me because everything else followed. I became lazy and all. There was a time that I refuse to submit my resignation because of the activities being held like parties, raffles, games, etc. so that I could somehow find joy at work. I was just finding that one great reason to leave and that is going back to school. So yea, I’m not able to share all my experience in my first BPO all in one blog because there is so much to share about it! A lot of good but challenging things. But to sum it all up, being in the BPO industry is a great experience. It taught me to be flexible with different cultures and the different personalities in my workplace. And also, it will teach you to become patient not just with the irate people but also with the constant changes of management, schedules and processes. It’s a whole lotta teaching as a person but you will definitely gain from it especially with your communication skills.

Being a Customer Service Representative is not a profession but it’s a good start before going through the real job that you wanted to have, that’s the very main thing I have learned.

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Sometimes I just wanna ask what good am I getting? I precisely know the answer. I wanna slip away from this awful situation but as much as it hurts, I have no clue why I still want to stay. #RoadToMasochism

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Renewed, Forgiven, Saved

 It was early in the morning and my alarm rang at 5:30am. I need to be at Mama Da’s house by 6am to do the Jerico walk around our village + it’s our baptism day. This is on the 25th of February, 2016. I was somehow stoked about this because I thought it would just be a simple water baptism like I had before. 

Yes, I was already baptized before but baptism was not fully explained and elaborated to me that’s why I need to do it all over again.

 As I arrived at Mama Da’s house, my business man churchmate Mark is already there. We ate a little while waiting for the others. An hour has passed and everyone was already there but we no longer head on with the Jerico walk because of the time. We don’t wanna do the baptism by the time the sunrays are harmful. We headed to a village next to us which is in Vermont and we did the baptism there.  We started with of course, a prayer. We sang praises and worshipped Lord Jesus Christ, to invoke the Holy Spirit to be upon us as well. While we were singing praises, I had my eyes closed for the entire time to avoid any distractions. Suddenly, I felt a pang of heat on the side of my face and it was suddenly very bright even if I had my eyes closed. This, I believed to be done by God. I knew and felt His presence upon us. After worshipping God, our head Pastor shared a word regarding the baptism of Jesus Christ. As per the story from the bible, the wonders that happened when Jesus was baptized were amazing. As he has risen from the water, a dove suddenly flew and God’s voice was hear saying “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” This has given me the idea that what I will be doing is going to please the Lord. And I thank God for having an obedient heart.

 After the short word, we already headed with the baptism proper and the members from the worship team started singing praises again. The total number of people that will be baptized was 5, and the order was baptizing the males first and then the females depending on our age. While we were singing praises, I don’t know what I was feeling but I have this urge of asking for forgiveness for all my sins. I am fully aware that I have committed such big sins and I often thought that upon doing such, would take away the presence of the Lord from me. But I know the grace and mercy of God will be the key to my forgiveness as long there is genuine repentance and I know I will be saved if I offer my life to Him. But this doesn’t mean that His mercy should be abused. One repentance is enough and after which, you should commit yourself to Him right away.

 The baptism already started and as I was watching them being baptized, I can’t help myself to cry. I really don’t know why I was feeling this but I believe that I am being touched by the Holy Spirit and I’m aware that the Holy Spirit cannot be contained and controlled. While I was waiting for my turn, as I have mentioned above, I was repeatedly asking for forgiveness and I was asking for the gift of vision. While praying for those, I had my eyes closed as well but when I try to point my face to the exact place where they were baptizing, I can see red all over. You know what happens when you have your eyes closed but you can somehow picture the color on where your eyes are focused. By this, I remembered Mama Da’s testimony about the day of her baptism, she had a vision of a ball of fire appearing when she rose from the water. What I thought about this is that is the fire that she will have in serving God. True enough, that fire is still burning up until today. And God should be praised for that.  As I opened my eyes, unknown emotions still fill my heart which leads me to tears while I was singing praises for Him.

When it was finally my time, I stepped into the water and walked to the direction where my head Pastor and intercessors were. My head Pastor asked me if I would repent and turn back from sin. I said yes, of course. I would no longer risk my soul for something that gives me pleasure for a short period of time only.  He then guided me as he dipped my whole body into the water and when I was raised, I couldn’t help myself crying. I know this is the work of the Holy Spirit. I chanted the forgiveness that I was asking from God since I needed this. I needed to be forgiven, in order to be saved. I needed God’s presence and I’m sure about God’s great plan for me and I needed that as well. 

As I was crying out, the intercessors around me are praying for me to release whatever I have to. I continued crying out and suddenly, I was praising Him. I believe this is another manifestation of the Holy Spirit upon me. I was shouting “Hallelujah” repeatedly. While doing this, I noticed that my tongue and my mouth were having these unexplainable movements. I was surprised by this because I don’t know what’s happening. The intercessors around me continued praying and I was still continuously crying out to God. Then I felt like I was going to throw up. I know what this is because I already saw this happened for several times now. I know this is my long awaited deliverance from the evil spirits within me. Mama Da was rebuking the evil spirit to be released from me and honestly, I don’t have a clue on how to release it. What I did was I shouted for the sake of the release of the evil spirit. And by the grace of God, I threw up and released the evil spirit within me.

 It was such a relief but I was suddenly slain because of what happened.

As I got up, I have this really great feeling within me and I feel like everything was light and it’s like everything is brighter than before. And for this, all the glory should be to God.  We then had a sharing after the baptism and I was advised that what happened to me when I couldn’t explain what’s happening with my mouth is I was speaking in tongues. But since I was alarmed with what’s happening, it didn’t continue. Speaking in tongues is special gift from God which allows you to speak in a different manner. It could be a different language or an indistinctive one which the Holy Spirit does when you are in a deep prayer. This language is not understandable so that the demons could not understand your prayer and so that what you prayed for cannot be blocked by the enemy’s works. When I knew this, I regret that I was surprised by the Holy Spirit’s work and thought I should’ve continued on chanting Hallelujah so that I would have a chance to speak in tongues.

 I am very much thankful about this because I know this is God’s command as quoted in Matthew 28:18-20: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” And praise God for a command that I was able to fulfill. I know that what has happened glorified His name and I know I was able to put a smile on His face with this decision.

 For non believers, I know this blog would be weird to read. But I’m not going to convince you all to do so. What I needed to do is just share God’s grace upon me and so that He may be glorified. But I do pray for the lost souls. I would pray for them to be saved because what I experienced with God’s grace and great love is immeasurable and cannot be put in one blog alone. I know that nothing is impossible with God and I know that there will be a right time for all the lost souls to be saved. I believe that there would be much more to come to each one of us as long as we believe and obey our Lord Jesus Christ.

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Ves I ever had

It is indeed a bizarre love story. How we started was not so common and was so soon. Before whatever happened between us, there were a lot of things that went on already. When we’re finally there, the set up is definitely deviant. And how we ended? It’s very relevant but still, it’s a very unique reason for a break up. I don’t deny that I did love him so much despite all of that stuff, I never regret it also. I feel like he’s perfect for me but then spiritually, he’s killing me. I won’t settle for someone who is a risk for my eternal life. Besides, I know God has something great in store for me. Greater than what I have experienced with him.

Although this is what I should do, it’s really hard. The Fray is certainly precise when they wrote, “sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.” this is the right thing but it doesn’t mean it didn’t kill me to leave him. I really loved him. I loved the way we talked about the most random stuff, I loved the way he’s unpredictably funny, I loved the way he never wants to fail or turn me down, I loved the way he always made time for me despite the situation we were in, I loved every moment with him, I loved every bit of him. Maybe that’s the deceit that the enemy showed me. Everything about him is inviting that I turned my back to Jesus. I know that’s how the enemy works but I was blinded while I was with him. I felt happiness, I felt complete when he’s around. But that’s not genuine happiness for my spirit, though.

True happiness is when you get to worship Jesus. We were all originally designed to worship Him and offer our lives to Him. I thank God that he appointed people to be my guide spiritually and showed them what situation I am in right now. God showed them that I was deep in sin and that I was blinded by it. This exposure showed me how Jesus really loves me and does not want me to be in hell. He showed me His desire to be with me in eternity and I was foolish enough to turn my back from Him for something that is temporary + wrong.

That is the only reason why I had to break up with him, 1 big reason to let him go. I had to because I don’t want to be in the darkness with him. What I want is for him to be with me in the light. I talked him through repenting but he is blinded. He’s within the chains of the devil and he’s fooled that he won’t be forgiven anymore. I tried to convince him that God can still forgive him; all he needs to do is commit his life to God and ask for forgiveness. But I don’t have a clue what spirit is within him because he told me that he already accepted the fact that he will go to hell.  When he told me that, I cried. I exerted efforts to pray for his salvation but for him, he’s already contented with his eternal fate which is negative. It’s sad that it’s okay for him and he just accepted this without any worry. I’m not sure if he got a clue about where he’s going.

Since this is what he told me, I am continuously praying for him. I can’t stand him being in hell. It hurts me that his soul will suffer. I know God has a perfect time for everything. I know God will use someone else for his salvation. Since I can’t show my love to him anymore, I’ll express my feeling through all the prayers that I’ll have for him. I love him so much and I want him to be saved.

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one of the things that makes me really enthusiastic + ecstatic at the same time is going to the beach. i just love how the waves naturally smash against my skin, the smell of the salty h2o, the sand, probably everything. it’s like the beach is a place of relaxation for me. the latest beach adventure i had was in cagbalete, quezon with my squad plus 3 other peers. we stayed there for 2 days and one night only and it was indeed an adventure to remember. as preparation, i brought the lightest clothes only so that it won’t be too much of a hassle to bring while we’re on our way. and to the beach where we’re going, in Villa Noe, i was advised beforehand that there is no electricity and the generator will be opened by 6pm-5am only. because of this, i brought 2 fully charged powerbanks and 3 fully charged cell phones also. hahaha! sorry, i was so scared of losing any type of communication from manila. but even so, i wished that the island had no coverage so that it would be more perfect for relaxation. basically, wish not granted. but i was fully prepared for it anyways.

i brought 2 bikini tops since i will be wearing denim shorts to hide my hideous stretch marks at the bottom of my butt. i brought a small blanket and a travelling pillow which you could hang in your neck so that my bag won’t be fully packed. for the toiletries, i brought a kit for that also and a really small towel to reduce hassle as well.

we scheduled our trip on Jan. 7-9 but my leave requests were rejected and we had to reduce the days to Jan. 8-9 only. projected travel time is 8 hours so we planned to leave manila by 2am on the 8th. after my work on Jan. 7, i went straight to khristine’s house to stay there until the travel time. by 12am, we first went to mcdonald’s in marcos highway for a short meal for us not to starve while travelling. we first rode a cab on the way to the bus terminal in cubao. (taxi ride from marcos highway: 150php) upon arriving in the terminal, there was an available bus going to lucena, quezon. we immediately rode the bus and at 1:55am, we already took off. (bus ride to lucena: 218php) projected travel time to lucena is 3-4 hours and we figured we might wanna take a nap by this time. of course, there are a few selfies before we slept. we arrived in lucena grand terminal at 5am and this is where we’ll be riding a bus to mauban. projected travel time to mauban: 1-2 hours. (bus ride to mauban w/o aircon: 54php) the bus is an old one under NCR lines. and if you could imagine the type of buses used in old action movies which usually exploded, that’s the one we rode to mauban. lol that’s an irrelevant info but i wanna share it though :D

 upon arrival to mauban, we went to their market and bought food for us to eat as soon as we arrive in villa noe. we are accompanied by a tricycle which brought us to the market and then brought us to the ticket booth for the boat ride (50php) to an island i’m not really sure where. idk, because i was asleep during the ride. when we got there, we rode one final boat, the main boat from villa noe, and this was a 20minute boat ride (300php for the entire boat ride).

when we finally arrived at villa noe, it was almost 12nn. i lost track of the time from the other rides that we had because i was sleeping most of the time. can’t blame me, i only got two hours of sleep and i was from work. =)) it was already low tide by that time and we decided to cook our lunch first before we swim and wait for the not-so-high tide.

we roasted the yellow fin that we bought in mauban and we cooked rice using the very cute portable stove.  Now this portable stove is available in hardwares. I saw one of these in Ace hardware. This is really handy for beach trips, especially if for hiking.

 we ate with our bare hands. and i think the food tastes better this way, considering that we are on a beach and it’s like we’re going back to an old kind of lifestyle. i always looked at us being contestants of the reality show, Survivor, since i really had to survive considering i don’t know how to make things work without modern technology. even with modern technology, i never got a clue how to cook. so i thank God that i’m with my great friends who knows to do all these stuff and yes, i survived!

 when it was already dark, we decided to light up the bonfire. though i already bought a lighter, it sure isn’t easy to make one. we already put all sorts of stuff to set it ablaze, but the fire that was being made will last for a maximum time of 10minutes. zz it’s devastating, sobra! but whenever the fire was doing fine, we grab that chance to roast our marshmallows. and this was a highlight to my trip as well because it was so delicious. you will have to handle the marshmallow well because it will melt once it’s over roasted. make sure to heat it up until it turns a little bit brown on the outside and surely, it will be melted on the inside. When it’s already ready for eating, it’s somehow hard outside and soft inside.

alongside the marshmallows, we also bought a really huge squid and a salmon. these were freshly caught on the same day by our guide for our entire stay in cagbalete.

in our first night, of course we shared a few drinks but curled into our tents quite early though. i think we all went to bed by 11pm. the next day, we woke up a little bit early also. there were lots of food from last night and this served as our breakfast and since we were leaving by lunch time, we no longer bothered preparing our meal for lunch. we went home by 2pm. and it was the same travel time even with a little traffic in edsa.

overall, the trip was a memorable one. it’s my first adventure together with my friends and there are no parents with us. though this was a fun trip, i did look forward to having my first island party but unfortunately, there are no parties in this island. but still, i would rate it at 80% for the experience. it would be a hundred if there was a party and if it was not low tide.

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I think it’s important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back.

Paulo Coelho (via wordsnquotes)

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“My first time: hard to explain. Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain.” - White houses, Vanessa Carlton

now, this little experience of mine made me feel what i never expected. yes, at first, i was really scared. i was scared of the fact that it’s painful + scared that my mom would know. okay, this was all a secret. sorry mommy. and i’m planning to tell her this little secret as soon as i already have my own house. hahaha! i got inked on 11/12/2015 and this was the first time. i woke up late on this day and my sister was asking me to with her in the mall to buy chocolates. and when we got there, idk but i have this urge to finally get a tattoo. yes, this was a long time plan already but i don’t know when and my mind was clouded with the bible verse saying, “your body is the temple of the holy spirit.” but i then found out that getting inked is okay as long as it is not demonic and it would still glorify Lord Jesus Christ. i felt this urge and excitement to get it for the first time. there’s this terror of the pain but i had motivation from my good friend, trish, that it is not painful but it has the same pleasure as sex. i found this funny but it did gave me a little conviction to tatt myself. but there was one warning tho, like sex, getting a tatto makes you want to have more. what got me more motivated is me being part of a sorority. i figured, if i handled all the beatings and paddle smashed into the back of my legs for numerous times, why can’t i handle these needles? so i finally went to the tattoo shop in some mall. the artist greeted me and asked, “hi mam! papa-henna po kayo?” i already knew the guy since i was a loyal customer when it comes to getting a temporary tattoo. but he was surprised when i answered, “nope, i’m gonna do the real shit.” hahaha! #hambog. and i saw the glow in his face and he was glad. he then made a stencil of the tattoo i wanna have. it is “Christ est assez” with a flower on the end. this was the french term for Christ is enough. of course, upon getting this tattoo, i still wanna glorify my Master and Great God. i wanna justify myself in getting this tattoo. the tattoo aritst, kuya rocky, prepared all of his stuff already. he gave me a heads up that it would give a small shock but after that, it would all be relief. but even though he told me that, i still can’t get the nervousness out of my system. i even called the other artist present to be beside me so that i could have someone to give a pinch or someone i can bite while having my tattoo. but when the tiny needles started to get into me, i was startled. and good thing i expected that. and true enough, after the small surprise, i did not feel the pain that i was expecting. instead of being painful, the process of this tattoo made me feel the heat of the number of needles used and also it feels like your skin is being torn. but overall, it’s not at all painful. and yes, my good friend was correct, it made me felt this unknown pleasure and it made me want to have more.  i was so happy with the outcome of my first tattoo. and i thank God because i will forever bring the message saying that He is enough for me. Jesus Christ is the only one that has been there for me through thick and thin that’s why this little offering that i’ll bring as long as i live is not enough compared to the amazing grace and unending love that He has given me even though i’m not at all worthy.

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It's the right thing when it's the right time. Patience is a virtue.

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They say everybody plays the fool sometimes. And if I got to, I don't mind. I'll be the best damn fool for you, no lie.

I already gave in to what I’m feeling. If at first I was hesitant about it, I am now willing to show it to him since I felt pity on top of the romantic feelings I have. He admitted what he felt as well and I was surprised that the feeling is mutual. It all happened in one night when we just finished practice for the performance that we will be having. I asked him if he wanted to go to church with me. He agreed but then the fellowship was cancelled that night and so we decided to watch a movie instead. We watched Paranormal Activity and I swear it scared the stuff out of me. I enjoyed the movie with him and I enjoyed seeing him scared. While we were watching, there was a time that he held my hand. I know the mere reason is he was scared but I thought, “awww galawang breezy!” Hahahaha. Swabe move, I can say, perfect timing as well. It’s funny pero may kilig kasi ang cute ng da moves niya. But still, it annoys me because I don’t want to fall for him more.

After the movie, we felt like we were so tired because we were so scared. But it was a fun experience with him. We had a talk that night about us because I really don’t know what we have and I want to have that to be clarified. If we go over the first part of this story, I was surprised that he remembers all of those too. I really thought that I did not matter to him and I had no impact. It amazed me that he remembers the small details of our encounters. He also admitted that there’s this certain feeling toward me that’s why he acts that way. It delighted me to know that he feels the same way but then it feels bad to know that I can never have him the way that I want because of the commitment that he’s in. I refused to call it relationship because of the lack of interest I’ve seen from the girl. I’m not being judgmental and all but that’s what I saw. I never saw the girl text him to have an update of his whereabouts. I never saw him online in Facebook or in any social media. And I know for a fact that they don’t see each other very often because I’m always with him because of work, practices and the hang outs after those.

I was wondering why there was negligence shown by the girl but I chose not to further investigate about it. Instead, I just enjoyed every stolen moment I had with him. I labeled it as stolen because the time should not be mine but I pushed to have it for myself. I am fully aware of this incautious action because I know that what’s happening is wrong and I know that I’m just hurting myself. But I can’t help myself. One republic is totally precise with their song lyrics, “I feel something so right doing the wrong thing. I couldn’t lie. Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.” Yes, being with him makes me feel so alive but I know that every minute is one little hammer pounding through my chest and drilling itself a hole. Every good moment with him has a shadow of hurt behind it. But I chose to continue. For me, it’s better to feel nice and be hurt later than not to savor any moment at all. Yes, you can call me stupid. Call me dumb, blind, relationship wrecker; call me a slut as well. But the only reason why I chose this path is because I saw how they were. I saw that it was not a legit relationship. It’s somehow ownership? I don’t know. That’s how I see it. Because it seems like the girl just wanted him in her life because of the benefit of him providing finances for her studies. And according to him, it’s not just the studies, he gives extras as well. I asked him if he still loves her. He told me that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. He constantly tells me that he wishes that they could break up and have me instead. I want the same. I persuaded him to break up with her if I’m the one that he wants. But there’s too much horror in his eyes whenever I suggest that. He tells me that this girl can put up a disaster in his life and to his siblings as well. I believed all of these and I personally felt shocked with what this girl can do.

The realization of the truth hit me when the Halloween party came. I was so stoked for that night because we will be performing and I was excited with the wardrobe that I will wear. But before the party started, he told me that the girl will come to bring his costume. I asked him if that would be all that she would do because I cannot go through the night knowing that she’s there: the girl that I wish to be, the one who owns him. I can’t stand looking stupid in front of everybody because most of the people know that something is between us but the real girlfriend is there.

He told me that the girl will just bring the costume. Suddenly, he got lost in our long table while I was eating. I then thought that he went outside to meet the girl. I just let it be since I have no control to that situation and I just patiently waited on my seat for him to arrive again. But then a really bad idea made me do a really wrong move. I stood up, and I searched for him outside because I wanted to see what he was up to. But before I could go out of the activity hall, there he was: with her. I felt like I was struck by lightning and electrocuted all at the same time. This was the horror that I was dreading about. It’s like the hole in my chest was suddenly filled in again for me to feel the most bizarre pain I have ever felt.

The next thing he did was the most agitating part of my night. He introduced me to the girl like nothing’s happening between us. The introduction was so casual like he doesn’t know how I feel about him. This was his most insensitive act ever. He introduced me and I did not smile. I was so annoyed because it was like I was slapped in my face with the truth that I did not want to accept even though it’s existing from the very beginning. How stupid of me to let this happen to myself. When I saw them they look okay and they looked like a tight couple. They even take pictures together. But still, I tried to convince myself that what I’m seeing is not true. But the truth is, my heart is crushed and I’m so mad knowing that what I want can’t be mine on that night, and not just that night, but the countless nights that I could ever have in my life.

Then I decided to drink, since I thought that the drinks at the party are for free so why not give it a taste? After a couple of drinks, I got drunk. Yes, mistake after mistake. And yes, I got drunk because of him. That was the most embarrassing night of my life. I can’t run from the shame. While I was drunk, I noticed that he’s no longer in the party. He left because he needs to bring the girl to work. And me? I was a fool. I am a fool. I was so wasted that night. I cried my heart out to many people and I told them our story all because I was drunk: the story that I was trying my best to keep so that I could maintain a good image. But the whole world knew because of me as well. I ruined myself. I ruined myself from the very beginning I gave in to what he showed me. I ruined myself believing that he feels the same and they don’t have what they had before. I was so angry and so crushed that night. I feel really bad for my spirit as well. I swore that I would never drink again because of my commitment to the Lord. But all because of one unworthy guy, I did all of those. And it is so stupid of me. Yea, it’s all just that one word.. STUPID.  

When he came back, he saw me drunk. We were at a bar beside the hotel where the party was held for an after party. And when I saw him, I went straight to him and did not say a word then I punched him at the corner of his mouth and poured a little beer on his head which was from the beer bottle held by one of my friends who was with me. But it’s kind of funny and I thought, it’s actually not enough compared to what I felt. But I also thought that it was both of our choices and this is not one sided. We were both to blame. So my face went blank. But I still have this fight in my head saying that what I did is nothing compared to the way he fooled me. And I don’t know if I’m stupid. But love wins, unrequited love, won over the right reasoning that I have in myself. I still did not thought about what he did. And I stayed humble. My friends confronted him and asked who the one he loves. He answered that he loved the girl and I was just a little crush. Good thing I was drunk. I didn’t feel how painful it was. But it all fell down on me when I got sober.

The next day after the party, we had a serious talk. I want to know what would happen after what I saw. He told me that he can’t leave the girl and he can’t choose me because she’s already pregnant. And I don’t know what to do anymore. Honestly, I can’t remember some points of this conversation because I was really drunk. I was drunk to my core. Haha! Yes, it’s very painful but I don’t have any other choice but to accept. I have to accept that I can’t have him and he never really loved me because if he did, the choice would be easy. And if he really did love me, I won’t have to fight for him. I would just sit down and watch him break up with the girl. But then I thought, I will need to let this go. I don’t want to be selfish and take away the father of the child. And why would that be? He didn’t choose me in the first place. The best thing to do is let it be. Besides, if he could leave her to choose me, his sidechick, then it could be possible that he would do that if we would pursue us having a relationship. I’ve already done enough, I already did my part and I sacrificed my entire self already. That’s too much for me to give and it’s time to give up. But even though I already gave him up, the feeling is still here and I will have to endure the pain, that’s for sure.