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cpunkwitch · 2 years ago

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answering my questions p3

[pt: answering my questions p3]

part 1 (link), part 2 (link)

ask game 3 (link)

biggest inaccessible thing that angers you right now?

doors with round handles. fuck those door knobs im glad my bedroom door doesnt actually close so i dont have to use it.

2. something no one talks about that you wish had more discussion about how it could be more accessible?

windows. i dont ever see anyone talk about how windows (that are meant to be opened for air circulation etc) could be more accessible. the window i have i have to wrestle with in order to get it open in the summer, because of that i avoided it this summer and ended up not having ac

i get there are some windows that have the screen on the other side and the inside slides up, i prefer those, my sister has that in her room, but the locks and the act of opening the window itself is not easy or something everyone can do.

3. what are some good resources that help you out? any blogs or sites that really helped you out with a disability or gave you support?

a user on here actually suggested speech assistant to me, i dont remember who but i was able to find an aac for my phone thanks to a tumblr user. i dont really have anything else to respond with, my resources are actually kinda limited ^^;

i got my cane off amazon, thats really the only other thing i have.

4. if you have an aid, mobility or not, how did you get it and do you know any good places to get them at good prices?

unfortunately all i know is amazon because i dont have a way of using other sites. most other sites dont use stripe and paypal is a bitch to me. i know there was a post going around earlier to be put on a wait list for a free wheelchair i think? if anyone knows where that post is id like to reblog it again

best way to get things at a lower price though is if theyre used/2nd hand. theyre considered worth less than new ones as they've been used and probably worn in already, therein they arent in mint condition like newer ones, but theyre still good. i actually got my first two binders that way. (tbh i get most things that way)

i know you can find 2nd hand stuff on facebook groups/marketplace, Kijiji, ebay and similar sites but i dont fully trust most of them myself.

when it comes to aid's that are programs though, such as aac or screen readers, there are tonnes that are completely free or come with small monthly subs or in-app purchases that arent too pricey and a lot of sites and social apps have those built in now a days with stickers, emojis, gifs, text-to-speech options on devices and so on.

5. any programs you know of that are either easily accessible or make things more accessible?

aside from my answer in 4, i have asl bloom which is like duolingo for american sign language. if you wanna quickly learn some asl for free, asl bloom is great!

i mentioned i have speech assistant for an aac, i've excitedly posted a bit yesterday about using it for the first time in a classroom setting.

6. whats an aid that no one mentions being an aid? could be big or small

anything is an aid if it assists you. glasses, braces, screen readers, etc

i see plenty of people acknowledging that pictures, emojis etc are aids as well esp for the nonverbal, more so than i would see sometime in the past.

a lot of things that might not be considered socially acceptable can be aids too, plastic straws for example, esp bendy ones, but thats been talked about quite a lot since the pandemic and i hope to see that discussion continue until theyre finally brought back as the default.

things that i never-to-rarely see anyone mention as an aid of some sort though? aside from medication, creams and things for pain management, theres not much to come to mind.

7. any recent news that really pissed you off, like an accessibility being taken away?

there was something at the time of making that ask game but i no longer remember what. nothing recent that have to bring up, at least not right now.

8. any good news to share with the disabled community?

i am sorry to say i bring no news at all, good or bad, but i may have some at a later date. perhaps whenever i get that french aac update we can consider that good news

9. what are some helpful things in your town/city for cripples?

nothing special i can think of

10. what can your town/city improve on to help?

the fucking side walks

11. is there an accommodation you wish you had/could get/want more of?

if i had the money and was in a different situation, id get a shower chair, braces or compression gloves, a wheelchair etc.

typing programs like typist arent made with disabled people in mind and i wish they were, i make mistakes because im dyslexic and cant always control my stims and they score you on how many mistakes you make with no backspace option and you cant continue until you improve with the least amount to no mistakes. they should at least let you use the backspace.

i use typist for class and it pisses me off that i cant go back and fix my mistakes. not just typing either but writing classes in general that grade you on how many mistakes you make should consider and accommodate people with issues writing/typing. just giving them more time to work on an assignment is not much of an accomodation. tics, stims etc are all things that can effect a persons writing and its pretty unfair and ablest to think that everyone can just stop making mistakes with writing if they practice enough.

12. whats some discourse going around right now that you wish would stop?

non physically disabled / able bodied people claiming cripplepunk includes them. should never have been discourse to begin with the name itself should be fucking self explanatory and if you know anything about cripplepunk its that its FOR THE PHYSICALLY DISABLED

also transid/transx bullshit...

13. advice for people who are only just discovering theyre crippled?

its okay to be disabled, learning your physical limitations and general limitations with your body is actually a good thing.

youre not lazy, youre not unsightly, youre not gross, youre not creepy, youre a living being and you deserve the accessibility, accomodations and help you need or want. if youre thinking of getting assistance get it.

youre not taking anything away or hurting anything by calling yourself disabled and using aids if you think it helps you.

whatever you have hindering your physical functions does not define you nore is it the only trait about you but it is a part of you that comes with you. dont let anyone disrespect you over it, get/use what you need, its your body.

14. any questions for people who've been in the community a while?

what were things like when cripplepunk first started? how did it gain traction and popularity? how did you come across it and what was it like when you were new?

do you have any advice for people just joining cripplepunk and things to say about content creation for cpunk? is there content you wish to see more of or reoccur? what was content online like when you first joined disabled/crippled spaces?

15. ramble about your condition?

man i really need to book time with the chiropractor. my arthritis aches are in more than just my hands and wrists, i get really bad foot cramps, leg and ankle pain and i have seriously bad tension and stiffness in my neck, shoulders and back.

if i remember tomorrow i'll call them when i get home for lunch between classes. and see if i can book thursday afternoons

a lot of my condition comes from my moms side of the family, which is cool in theory, i like talking about that kinda thing, hereditary and genes n stuff interests me but because its my mom and i grew up in her shadow being referred to as her "mini me" and shit, it makes me pretty uncomfortable to know just how much like her i am and i cant get away from it. (and thats not even mentioning how uncomfortable i am being associated with one of my ab/sers(u) to such a degree)

16. rant about your environment?

i feel like thats a thing for an entire post on its own. i could rant about my home environment or my city.

17. if you have any aids, have you decorated and/or named them?

ive painted my cane and and trying to paint it again when i remember, have the time and spoons, but i havnt named it or added any attachments and i want to. suggestions are welcome!

18. tips for maintaining mobility aids of any?

as a cane user:

wash and sanitize the handle/grip and foot of your cane as frequently as you use it. especially if someone else has touched it and you've been outside with it and have allergies!

use paint sealer if you customize your cane and use masking tape on the parts of it that you arent customizing (handle, foot, joints if its foldable)

place it by the door but not next to the entrance or shoes so it doesnt get knocked over/kicked etc and so you remember to take it with you if youre an "out of sight out of mind" type of forgetful person like me.

crippled-pvp mentioned this before; place your cane under the seats/on the floor if youre in a car. its deadly otherwise.

19. anything that motivates you to leave your house even just for fresh air and a stretch?

coffee/snack runs. the garden on campus nearby. if it werent for close by things like that i'd see no point in leaving the house outside work/school. and maybe a few other things like painting in the back yard ig?

20. free space!

feel free to ask me questions, to clarify or elaborate/expand on something, my inbox is always open for a chat and anon is on for privacy of those who use side blogs or are too anxious to be off anon. anon is not on for hate/discourse.

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

#cass rambles #physically disabled #cripplepunk #physical disability #actually disabled #cpunk #disability blogging #cripple punk #cpunk blog #disabled #mobility aid user #cane user #answers

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twinkbasement · 1 year ago

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i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

#kankum #brain tag

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flowergardeninthewall · 1 year ago

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Hello! Hola! Bom dia!

Call me Garden. I'm 23, hard of hearing, ace and you can use any pronouns for me.

um vercão de portugês (trabalho de andamento)

Native english speaker, learning BRPT

This blog is for my streamer brainrot. Also a language learning blog.

My main is @teainthedust

-hearing aid refs here

Don't spoil anything I'm watching. I'm serious. No 👀 about anything, you can give context of things I have already seen and behind the scenes things that are non spoiler

How this blog is run and relevant information is under the cut

- Most reblogs are under a queue system. these types of posts will be mostly art and fic.

- Queue is 4 posts a day will occasionally be paused to let the posts refill

- Any tags that I use are on this post, so feel free to click on them and scroll through.

- I will post liveblogs, and reactions from streams and vods when I watch them. if you don't want to see that, please block the tags #garden of reactions <- for vods and #garden of liveblogs <- for live stuff. This will mostly be in english.

-I was using tumblr too much so my phone has a two hour timer on the app per day. I am leauges more accessible on discord

- I do photo editing and vector drawings mostly. Triangles.....

- I natively speak English, and am learning Brazilian Portuguese. I do also know a little Spanish as well.

-I will be spaking Portuguese here it's pratice. Please please please be nice.

-Contrary to what I may complain about I can read portuguese decently well

-eu vou a falar em português aqui. É a prática. Por favor, eu novo no isso, seja legal comigo.

-I have a language learning tag - #garden learns a new language, and a Portuguese pratice tag #garden fala português. Expect me to make a fool out of myself when speaking Portuguese here.

-I do not use machine translations for full sentences. Most of what I say is my own attempts. I only use it for checking my work and to look up specific words

-dont expect me to be perfect. But if I get stuff wrong please don't feel bad about telling me! Just be nice about it.

- There is a lot of difficulty in learning a new language with a hearing disability. I had to go to speach therapy as a child for my deaf accent and stutter, I am fully aware that I will probably never have a good accent when speaking, doesnt mean I try though. Some sounds I physically cannot hear.

- I will not tolerate homophobia, racisim or any sort of xenophobia. If I see it you get blocked.

- Ask box is OPEN I am always down to talk. If you have any questions about hearing aids or HOHness please send them my way! And about languages! I may be newer at them but ive been having a lot of fun!

-Você poderia usar algum idioma em minha caixas de perguntas, se eu não pode leer isso, eu vou descobrir com as ferramentas que tenho!

#intro post #garden of queue #garden of liveblogs #garden of posts #garden of answers #garden of art #garden learns a new language #garden fala português

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adhd-adept · 4 years ago

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I have self diagnosed adhd and i was wondering if you could provide some advice regarding reading. I used to be able to just pick up a book and read when i was younger, but now that I'm older it's a bit difficult to just pick up a book and read for the sake of reading. I love reading, but i just can't seem to motivate myself to.

Any advice? I'd really love to get back into reading, but I'm trying to find a way to do it easier

Hello! I’m sorry this took me so long to answer, I’ve been mostly off Tumblr for a little while. I saw this some time ago at 3AM and thought “this deserves a more coherent response than I can give right now” and then forgot that this blog existed for several days.

That said, I absolutely have some advice for reading! I was a big reader as a kid, too, and I’ve recently had to re-discover reading after a long gap in any time spent sitting down with an honest-to-goodness book. There are a number of things you might consider!

DISTRACTIONS

First and foremost, recognize the reason it is difficult to read! For me, it is because reading isn’t the most interesting thing available. That doesn’t mean I don’t love reading! If I can manage to sit down and read a book, it is immensely satisfying - but it’s the satisfaction of the effort you put into something paying off. My favorite hobbies - drawing, writing, reading - are my favorite because of that sense of accomplishment that they give me.

I love the feeling of holding a book and watching my bookmark move through the pages each time I set it down. However, it doesn’t give me the same instant gratification of reading wikipedia, or tvtropes, or scrolling Tumblr, or checking notifications on social media; even when I am unsatisfied, or even frustrated, with the internet, it can be very hard to put down. I know that people will tell you all the time “You need to put your phone down more!!” It gets old. But they have a point. What people don’t tell you is how to do that.

For me, that tends to be about making it inconvenient for myself to get online, or do whatever is distracting me. This doesn’t necessarily mean making it completely unavailable. The distraction just needs to be less available than the task I want to do. I am the kind of person who gets online out of muscle memory, and then gets stuck there. Thus, many of my tricks rely on disrupting the muscle memory that lets you pick up distractions. I will put my laptop charger in another room, so that my screen time is limited to its battery life. I might tie a string around my laptop, or tape it closed, so when I go to open it I will be reminded “Oh yeah, I don’t want to do this right now.” I will occasionally rearrange the apps on my phone, so when I try to open Instagram and end up with the weather app instead, the thought of “wait, how did i get here” will snap me out of the thoughtless habits that led me to pick up my phone in the first place. I’ve even gone so far as to tape my phone to the ceiling. Whatever works.

If the weather permits, I might also walk a little ways down the block and find somewhere to sit and read. This can come with its own distractions, but it gets me away from my laptop, and I get a tiny bit more exercise and sunshine than I would have otherwise! This depends, of course, on whether you have transportation and whether you feel safe. But getting yourself out of the house can be a great way to get away from the things that would otherwise draw you away from reading. If you have a local cafe or library that permits you to sit and stay, those are also great options! I will bring my phone when I leave the house, but I might put it at the bottom of my bag, or put a bit of scotch tape over the power button, so that I have my phone in case of emergency but it’s just slightly inconvenient to get to without thinking about it.

It may not be the internet distracting you. But whatever the distraction is, it doesn’t need to be less compelling than reading. It just needs to be less readily available than your book is!

ENTHUSIASM

Another thing that prevents me from reading is that it often doesn’t have the same sense of urgency that other tasks might, whether that urgency is real or not. Give yourself a time limit! I may own books I haven’t read yet, but I will get to a book sooner if I have borrowed it from the library, because I know there is a deadline to return it!

You can also get other people involved. If you have a friend who wants to read the same book, commit to a chapter or two a week and then call to discuss it.

Or, if you have a friend who would be interested, and you are comfortable with your reading voice, you could read to someone! It might feel weird to offer, but you’d be surprised how many people really do enjoy being read to. If you both have time in your schedules, you could try to set up a regular call to get through a few chapters at a time.

Generally, having a friend who likes the book is great for maintaining enthusiasm, even if they’re not reading it with you - I get to books faster if someone with similar taste says “This is one of my favorites! You would love it!” If you have a friend who has read the book you plan on reading, announce to them that you intend on reading it. Their enthusiasm might help you feel more compelled to read it, and there’s a good chance that if you don’t sit down and read it, they will remind you by asking “Have you read it yet? What do you think?” the next time you talk to them.

PREPARATION

Another great way to make reading easier is to set up a reading space beforehand. It’s one thing to pick up a book and say “I’ve been meaning to read this.” It’s another thing to put on some pajama pants, make a cup of tea, and curl a soft blanket around your shoulders before you settle down to read. For one thing, it’s just nice. But more importantly, it can function as a signal that tells your brain “it is Reading Time now. We are in the Reading Zone.”

Do you ever watch a TV show or listen to a podcast, and you let the theme song play on the first episode, and then skip it for the rest? Even if I’ve watched a show before, I will play the theme song on the first episode I watch that day. It’s the same principle - it serves as a transition, an intro that says “this is where I am now, and this is what I’m doing.” Give yourself an intro for reading! Have a certain spot that you like to sit when you read. Have a certain snack you eat beforehand.

I have all kinds of tasks with little “rituals” before them that help me focus on that task, or certain items that I interact with which I associate with it. I call them “declarations of intent,” and once I’ve made a declaration it’s easier to commit to it. Sometimes that means simply saying out loud, “I am going to do the laundry now.” Sometimes it means I wear a certain shirt if I’m planning to go for a walk that day, or drink from a certain mug at breakfast if I want to get some homework done. I have a specific hat that I put on when I want to write a certain character. Try to find something you can do to act as a cue that says “When I do this, then I will read a book.” Because of this, it can help to really lean into whatever the “aesthetic” of reading is, in your mind. Embrace a reading atmosphere!

It may also help to recognize that reading is something you can work your way up to! There is no shame in being out of practice with a hobby. I took my reading proficiency for granted for a long time because it was just a part of my life. It may help to think of reading as a skill! Start with something smaller and work your way up. Pick up a book of short stories or folktales before you tackle that six-book series you’ve heard good things about! Set achievable goals for yourself when you’re setting out. An early success can make a huge difference to morale, and it’s much better to start “too easy” and accomplish something than to jump in at the deep end and be frustrated by an early setback.

FORGIVENESS

On the topic of working your way up to things, I would like to say a word about mindset. It is easy to feel self-critical about things. Things that you think should come more easily to you. Things that you feel like you have no reason not to be able to do. One of the biggest things I’ve done for my ADHD is recognizing that there is always a reason why I behave a certain way. Accepting that allows me to actually address my struggles, rather than just feeling ashamed of them. I’ve had to accept that I won’t always do things that I set out to do the way I set out to do them.

I bring this up because not all of my advice here may work for you. In fact, some of it doesn’t work for me every time - a technique may work once, but I might fail to make a regular habit of it. I may make a regular habit of something, only to have it become less effective as the novelty of it, or my enthusiasm for it, wears off. I may eventually talk myself out of implementing an effective strategy because there is some part of it that I find unpleasant; or an intentional unpleasantness I once found motivating may eventually become intolerable.

That’s okay. I’m telling you now, it’s okay if that happens. It’s okay if the first method you try doesn’t work. Don’t set yourself up to feel frustrated. If you become frustrated, take a step back. If you borrow a library book and you still haven’t read it by the due date, just give it back. If you don’t actually enjoy the first book you pick up, put it down and try a different one. If you feel badly about not reading something your friend wants you to read, be honest and tell them you have a hard time sitting down, and that you don’t want to disappoint them if they keep asking, but that you will let them know once you have started it!

It can be easy to convince myself that feeling badly about something means it’s important to me, and that maybe if I feel bad about not doing something, it motivate me to do it. There is a balance between making commitments, and not committing to anything that is just going to distress me. Sometimes there is a benefit to a sense of pressure, but I have to recognize when the pressure I create turns into frustration. That’s a fine line to walk! For all I speak of inconveniencing yourself, or holding yourself accountable, your strategies should ultimately feel satisfying, and show results fairly quickly! You may not see immediate results, but if it has been several days and your strategy isn’t working out, change tactics! And the moment you feel apologetic or ashamed about the thing you are trying to do, drop that strategy. Again, this can be easier said than done, but it is so worthwhile to learn how to allow yourself to “give up” on things that aren’t actually helping you, without feeling like you’re giving up entirely.

You want to get back into reading again because you want to enjoy reading again. If you set it up to feel like homework, or a chore, or an obligation, you may make it more difficult for yourself! Getting back into reading is about focusing on what you love about reading.

And hey, I’m always happy to help! I do only check Tumblr every couple weeks right now, but I’ll do what I can to be supportive. If you’ve tried these suggestions and they don’t work out, no worries! Everyone is different, and it’s no insult to me if things that work for me don’t work for you. But feel free to reach out again, let me know anything you have learned about how you function best in the meantime, and we can reevaluate your strategies!

I hope that helps! Happy reading!

#thanks for asking!!#nezjazz #let me know how this works out #a lot of the advice i have for reading is advice i have for Doing Tasks With ADHD in general to be honest #i use the same tricks i use to get myself to read sometimes to get myself to do things like wash dishes #it's about making yourself more interested in what you want yourself to do #and making it easier to do the important things relative to the ease of doing the less important things #i will just straight up delete apps off my phone if i spend too much time on them #most of the time i dont miss them #and tumblr i can access from my laptop it's just slightly more steps to actually log in and type in my password #(i ONLY use tumblr on incognito mode so it doesnt save my login and i have to actually enter my password every time)#(that way i know that if i actually take the steps to log on it's because i WANT to)#(because something about doing that is worth it to me)#(i did that today to come and answer this question lol)#(but that's also why it's taken me so long.)#(do let me know if you have any other questions! i'll be back eventually to help as best i can!)#(and i love feedback)#(if you discover something that works better for yourself let me know that too so i can share with everyone!)

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arabaka-archived · 2 years ago

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Hellloooooooo! I came here, again, to express my appreciation for your blog, since you're my favourite blog but for whatever reason tumbrl on my phone glitches and when I click on your posts it doesn't load so I can only access your greatness through my dusty old laptop.

I wanted to ask if I can request fanfic/headcanons/scenarios/whatever the proper term is for someone outside of reigen because I think I have requested in the past and loved whatever you wrote. I dont know if you write for other fandoms but wondered if it is okay to request about Onizuka Eikichi (a teacher from the anime GTO) I don't really see people writting about him and if your requests are still open and you have the time or interest I would like to request that, like maybe a scenario/headcanons about tomboy childhood friend who becomes overly feminine and hot and works at the same school as him and him trying to ask her out on a date?

Like he struggles to remember her at first and just tries to charm her but she clearly isn't impressed and struggles to trust people enough to date. Idk if the concept is stupid. Doesnt have to be nsfw, idk if you've heard about GTO but some people compare reigen to onizuka but I actually think they're very different. Anyway this became quite the rant so yeah, if you are interested and have the time I would like to request whatever you choose for fem. reader x onizuka eikichi. Btw saw some memes on pinterest comparing him to reigen and calling him 90s reigen but honestly the guy has lighter blonde hair, isn't even naturally blonde and is overly rough and dumb unlike reigen, the only thing they have in common is probably confidence. I apologize for this essay, Have a nice night! It is currently 2 am so I will try to go to sleep since I have uni tomorrow but I wish you good night/day.

*₊˚💬୧ hi! i'm sorry tumblr is giving you issues, i hope it's not specific to my blog !!! but thank you for your being so kind !!!

however, i do not accept requests. this is outlined in my rules.

i also haven't posted anything from the show you're referencing so i'm a little confused why you'd bring the series up? but i'm happy you have a character you love the way you do !!! i hope you're able to find works for this character but you won't find that here. <3

#.˚₊ ੈ ʚ 📮 ɞ ˚₊ ‧ˋ*⁀➷ ꒰ mail time! ꒱#.˚₊ ੈ ʚ 💌 ɞ ˚₊ ‧ˋ⁀➷ ꒰ mail for marie! ꒱

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cheryllcher · 6 years ago

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no one hurts his princess

part 1

so tumblr keeps sending my stuff to the void on my phone so here am i :// only took like 100 tries–

anywayy heyyy i’ve decided to continue wat i’ve started not becuz i have a miilion and 3 ideas on how to annihilate liela hehehehe *sweats*

this is a messed up version of a chess game so evrything is unfair. think of it as liela didnt play fair so adrien doesnt either (also let’s pretend all the cat emojis are black cats)

alright here’s the downfall of one (1) liela rossi, or at least one of the many ways anyhow

🐱 Watch out Françoise Dupont, the pieces are set, now let the games begin. 🦊

School started normally enough, everyone encircling Lila, hanging onto her every word like it was their lifeline. The lying fox still dared to churn out stories of an extravagant life that she neverlived, even though sheknew her impending doom was approahing. Slowly, but surely. Chloe was with Sabrina by the other bench, muttering about how utterly ridiculous they were. As per routine, Marinette was shunned away, this time by expulsion.

However, what’s irregular about today was that Alya, who usually stuck nearby for the latest stories, now lingered by the stairs along with Nino, paying close attention to the stories Lila was spewing.

After stepping back, Alya realised that everything Marinette was accused of somhow revolved around Lila. As more thoghts raced within her brain, she turned towards her boyfriend.

“Hey babe, isn’t it weird that everything was about Lila and Marinette?”

“Yea. Come to think of it, doesn’t everything also come down to Marinette when Lila has some problems she’s afraid to voice out?”

Huh, Alya thought. He was right. Everytime Lila mentioned “Oh, I don’t want too be a bother but…”it always ended up being about Marinette. And they just accepted it. Alya felt guilty, but she couldn’t give much thought as she was busy writing down everything Lila was saying. She was going to fact check them later, given her newfound speculations. Again, it was something else to apologise to Marinette for, she mentally noted.

This continued until a few minutes before the final bell would ring.

Silence.

The whole school suddenly quietened down, feeling a chill that can’t be explained. Lila was still blabbering about who knows what, seemingly incapable of reading the mood.

Every waited with bated breath as a figure sauntered into the schoolyard in a fine suit. They were greeted with a sheepish smile, and a hand reaching up the back of his neck.

“Um… Why is everyone staring at me like that?”

Lila finally snapped out of her little bubble. Revelations hit her like a club to the head. She didn’t know his plans, so she would hold back; she would make a small move to test the waters.

“Adrien! Good to see you! Isn’t that the suit from yesterday’s photoshoot? Not to say you don’t look dapperin it but why are you wearing it to school? It’s a bit too… formla, isn’t it?” She giggled sweetly and batted her eyelashes, trying to muster up all the bravary that she could.

🦊 Pawn, 1 step forward.

Adrien looked down at his outfit outfit. Oh.

“Oh no, Lila. This was from two seasons ago. I had an early morning meeting and just forgot to change before rushing to school. Besides, my father would be most disappointed if I leaked an oufit beforeit’s release.”

The exchange seemed innocent enough, but anyone can feel the tension just radiating off of the two. Adrien looked like the pure sunshine he was, but if one looked closely, they can see that his smile was just a little forced, his grip on his bag a little too tight. No, there’s has to be some sort of hidden agenda here. Why else would he wear this to school? If only she had access to whatever he’s playing with. Lila didn’t trust the words coming out from his mouth. She’d seen him yesterday after all, and she was not going to back down. Just what was he hiding?

It was ironic really. Here Lila thought his momentary forgetfulness was some elaborate scheme, but it was really exactly how he told the story. No lies. He would be lying if he didn’t say it got the “I-mean-business” message across. Pun intended. His pride swelled when he could see Lila practically shrink under his gaze, plotting her steps. She splendidly maintained her composure in front of everybody, but not well enough to hide it from him. The cat in him was smirking in absolute delight at the sight. No doubt Plagg shared the same thoughts.

🐱 Pawn, 2 steps forward.

“Ah, I see. Well, you better collect your books from your locker before you’re late to class. See you there!” She tried her best to ignore the glint in his eye that only she could see. Both teens quickly parted ways from each other, one headed from the classroom to plan her next move, the other to the locker rooms waiting patiently for the time to strike. And to change. Every person in the schoolyard couldn’t help but shiver. Something huge was going to happen, and they weren’t sure if they want to find out.

—

Lila figured that she should garner the attention of the others first before her enemy arrives, get them to believe and defend her. Then she would have Adrien tucked by her side, keeping him from doing anything. Keep your knights close but you enemy closer.

🦊 Knight, 3 steps forward and 1 step left.

Adrien already knew that she wouldn’t fess up, knew that she would wait to play the game. He had knights of his own, them being Chloe, Sabrina and Kagami of course. Together, they used their connections and influence to make the necassary calls. Chloe glady called the mayor for some emergency appointments, while Kagami was peeved that her newest friend was hurt . Both hated Lila’s guts just as much. He knew her strategies from observations, so he did the same thing, avoiding her trap efficiently.

🐱 Knight, 3 steps forward and 1 step right.

The players had made their decisions and prepared their tricks, pieces strewn across the battlefield. One smart move brings you closer to winning, but the wrong one will lead to your downfall.

This was only the beginning.

—

so im not really sure if this is good and if i should continue this, but this is what i’ve got so far.

Pieces:

pawn- actions done by player/ person that makes “move” (e.g. expose a truth)(they’re not using them don’t worry it’s just a figure of speech??)

knight- essential parts of the plan. they defend/help behind-the-scenes.

#ml ladybug #adrien will avenge his princess #no joke #ml #mlb season 3 spoilers #miraculous ladybug #miraculous #mlb #okay why did i do this #i regret my actions

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guardiantempest · 5 years ago

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At long last, after a whopping THREE MONTHS I'm finally back in Metro Manila. I've been seething for much of my time since I can only browse 30% of my usual websites. However I have learned a bunch of unrelated things in my absence, mostly Pokemon romhacks and fangames and such. And Helltaker, can't forget that. Still, I'm not that happy until now, i didnt have a private, quiet table to use my laptop on, and my bedroom's filled with noise for most of the day since my brother keeps using the TV at a loud volume. I just want a tranquil place for peace of mind. Now I need to get my paperwork in order so I can go back to work.

I barely kept up with FGO and I didnt do the last two events as my mobile phone reception back in the province was so bad I can only login. I missed you guys, it really doesnt help that Tumblr is very unoptimized. It's really telling that 4chan's my most accessible website when my data turns thin. Though on that note I enjoyed some of the new threads on /qst/ (RIP Space Force: First Steps, died of QM absence).

#blogposting

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fdhfjdafdajfa · 6 years ago

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tl;dr I’m a homeless sex trafficking refugee in third world poverty and I’m fleeing again for my safety.

the old post got too long

my life so far

again hi it’s me vivi or pearl or sibyl. some of my old urls are whimslcott, fistdeserver, lalondeite, and there are a whole lot more I don’t remember. my history on this website starts in 2009, when all my friends got called out for things like stabbing people and trafficking me for sex. i've been reforging my entire personality in this dark crucible from before we realised that softboys watching my little pony wasn’t going to revolutionise gender relations, and, as should surprise nobody by now, i am in need of some assistance.

back when i lived in USA, my primary source of income was social security disability. i made some posts about how shit it was. before i got on SSD, I was homeless for six years, which I hope helps bring home how much I needed it. but when i got sick of spending my whole life waiting for an awkward reunion with my sex traffickers I fucked off to a completely different part of the world. because I did that SSDI cut me off and i’m now without a source of income, but I’ve had tumblr come through before in a pinch. my list of mental health diagnoses is as extensive as you might imagine. i imagine i’ve cycled through about half the DSM by now and it’s not like I have access to a therapist right now. Let’s just say I have a lot of post-traumatic stress and leave it at that.

anyway, in addition to the big list of horrific disabilities i still have, there’s also a big allcaps notice on my visa saying NO WORK/BUSINESS so that’s that on that. i’ve asked a few ngo-people about it but they mostly just kinda make :/ expressions and then tell me they’ll look into it. But my visa status requires me to periodically throw lump sums of a couple hundred dollars at the Indian embassy about once a year or so and if I don’t have that I’ll go from being a kind of hoopty immigration status to being straight-up undocumented and nobody wants that.

since my legal immigration status is kind of hoopty, I haven’t been able to get things like a bank account and am dependant on my roommate for stuff like that. as such I don’t have anything like a venmo or an impactguru.

i have these things:

https://ko-fi.com/vivyansarlas https://www.paypal.me/pcoolpearl https://www.patreon.com/vivyansarlas

while I’m technically capable of *surviving* for another few months off of what’s left of my savings, attempting to isn’t a very good idea. my computer is starting to age a bit, my cell phone fell off a 13th story window almost a year ago and so is not really functional, i really need new clothes, and i’ve got a few neglected medical needs, like therapy and jaw surgery. also, my meds are about $30 a month. this is to say I need to have some income so I can start working out a plan for these issues in the medium-to-long term.

aside from my web presence, which is pretty good these days (ask me about my twitter), i’m also working on my first book, which is about 3/7ths of the way complete by current trajectory and I've gotten publishing offers from a couple pieces of shortform I’m working on.

my current living situation

i am currently homeless. the earlier iteration of this post was about how I lived in a shitty delhi slum flat that was extremely injurious and hazardous to my health due to heat and dust. as of writing the earlier iteration, I had been suffering from heat stroke on and off for about a week, and had given up trying to sleep In the flat itself, and had started straight up carrying my mattress out onto the roof.

hilariously enough, my situation has gotten immeasurably worse since then. my roommate had a lot of personal flaws I’d been making excuses for, because as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’d rather make excuses and trust people and run the risk of getting screwed over every now and again. when my roommate snapped and started verbally abusing and threatening me for like. hours a day. i figured no problem, it’s not too hard to find a place to live here.

i made a miscalculation. what i didn’t account for is that in the past 2 months all the hindus have gone crazy and now there are hindus who keep mass reporting my posts in the housing groups so I can’t use housing groups anymore. there’s a lot more info on that on the old post. but between them and other subtle changes in hindus in delhi i’m really feeling like it’s time to get the fuck out of dodge.

the political situation making me unsafe

it’s hard to impress just how bad things have gotten over here. so here’s some news articles to do it for me.

You know India’s democracy is broken when millions wait for election results in fear

A country where some live with fear has failed

This Is What Young Muslim Voters Are Thinking About This Election: “I keep fearing something like the holocaust can happen here.”

This is pretty much ground consensus. Delhi is no longer safe for Muslims. Period. it doesnt really even matter how the election goes. what matters is that hindus are crazy now and can’t be peacefully coexisted with. Now that I have seen what this monstrous religion is I can’t go back to pretending not to know how they’re just dormant until the next riot or election when they will become rabid dogs again. the coordinated reporting campaigns against me, a homeless muslim trying to find a place to live, are absolutely targeted hate violence and the only reason i’m alive is because it happened behind a computer screen.

the person i was going to stay with from the 21st on has also left the state so i’m packing up and going to muslim-majority kashmir, which from everything i’ve heard is way safer than you’d expect with the extreme levels of militarisation. i guess i’ll find out! i do not have any plans for what to do once I am in Kashmir or any idea of where I am staying. It is a scouting mission to find stuf like that out. that’s the level of desperation we’re dealing with right now.

i’m really in a dilly of a pickle here so it’s definitely a “future deeply uncertain, every bit helps” type situation.

https://ko-fi.com/vivyansarlas https://www.paypal.me/pcoolpearl https://www.patreon.com/vivyansarlas

#signal boost #add testimonies about me perhaps

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conspiracieys-archive · 6 years ago

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dusan nemec, but as a supervillain. what powers would he have, where would his base be, how would he keep his secret identity if he has on, what would his super suit look like, etc.

hmmmmmm..... this is a good ask! well... let's see. long as usual so i tried to cut it under a read more (but u know mobile tumblr doesnt WORK so im sorry)

his secret identity. he keeps it secret really well, just because he's got a real good poker face and he also doesnt attack, like, places that can be traced back to him. (the exception is the DedSec hq, assuming in this au theyre the superheroes in parallel to him)

but the hq thing is covered by the fact that there ARE a lot of anti-dedsec people ANYWAY (bc there's always gotta be a few ppl who just hate the heroes). but also hacking is a commonplace thing nowadays and in the WD universe (and consequently this au), hacking is just... Insanely Huge? everyone and their mom seems to be a hacker, so if electronic fuckery happens, it's not GUARANTEED to be his fault ya know?

(also he has like... super enhanced intelligence as a ..power (see below) so like, it's not hard for him to come up w excuses or be tactical about when he does his Villainous Shit)

[ALSOOOOO -im writing this after ive written almost everything else sry- he doesn't like..... reveal he has powers. to the world, Dusan Nemec is just an incredibly good coder and he's just got a genius intellect. but his Villain flaunts his powers and takes pride in what he can do.

so it's like "Well, Dusan, do what that villain did" and Dusan sits down and like, painstakingly writes line after line of code to try and mimic the effects of his technopathy but he can't do everything technopathy can. so it's really hard to pin it on him. ppl still suspect though. they always suspect.]

POWERSSSSSSSS. i was gonna save this for last but then i realized: his primary power is technology manipulation. the good guys with this power would be technopaths, but he LIKES the phrase 'technology manipulation' because Dusan likes to be able to manipulate things... people... technology... to do whatever he wants.

so like before he came into his power of technopathy, he was still really, really good with coding. he'd never admit to having hacked things before working w ctos, but he has. and then... [insert backstory here] and now he can bypass the need to code and just ... MAKE ctos respond to him. he can pull up any surveillance cam at will, he can access any file remotely (we will address this in the Super Suit section), he can hack the traffic lights, he can just... do anything.

and w his personality, THAT is what makes him a supervillain.

if you don't have ctos or blume devices in your house, he bypasses ALL of it and forces Blume and ctos software to install. hell, your sexy Samsung smart fridge? literally now it's just been forcefully turned into a Blume fridge. w his remote access he can just turn any phone he passes into a ctos phone. like only another technopath (DedSec - technopathy would be one of the biggest requirements to get into the core of DedSec) can prevent Dusan's abilities from infecting and destroying and essentially controlling their technology.

he also has slightly superpowered intellect. which i think is a stupid ability but also i'm giving it to him anyway cuz he's considered a genius within the wd universe. so why not throw in the fact that his mind itself, aside from technopathy, has been quite altered and has significantly more improved functioning than the rest of us.

and lastly he does have an Eidetic memory. which isn't rly a superpower by itself but in combination w superpowered intellect and technopathy makes it an asset to his power set, ya know?

he can and will remember exactly who has ctos installed, who doesnt, if he had to do it or if they were willing, etc.

and he definitely remembers every little tidbit he finds abt DedSec

ok so since we've established he's a technopath now, and we know there are weird basement levels of Blume's HQ, at least 3 rooms are just HIS to use. like no one, not even another technopath, can access them. just bc he has Blume HQ fortified to the nines. i mean DedSec could probably TRY and maybe succeed at getting into Blume HQ itself but like, they won't get into his underground base.

like no one knows that three rooms off of the server rooms are even... there? he's got sexy hidden doors. like false servers?? where to the eye they look and glow and flicker like proper servers but they're secret doors. legit no one knows they EXIST much less how to GET TO THEM. his HQ is, like, solid af

super suit. ok like the main thing is he has a helmet. like.... a fitted full head helmet w tinted tempered glass in the screen. it's all black on the outside, and like nice cushy fuckin memory foam on the inside (sleek and black too ofc) and the visor is also a computer. (remote access!)

his base outfit is a black fitted body suit that is also, like, technologically fitted?

i just want it to be glowy ok?? he also has it programmed so that when he uses his technopath abilities and channels them thru his hands, his finger tips light up bc he's just That Bitch.

in theory his helmet visor/screen could emote like Wrench's mask

over his body suit, he has like. ok bear with me but like. skinny black sweats? they're not super tight or super loose. they sit low on his hips and end mid calf. i love Dusan and i love his sweats ok. he wears them always i'm trash.

also he's stupid and has shoes build into his body suit basically? like they're really nice and have good support and they're just... part of the body suit.

no he does not wear anything over the top of his bodysuit. also obvs the body suit is like, from his chin to his toes, w long sleeves and gloves as well.

his glowy bits are like, sleet and soft grey.

it's gotta be weird cramming his dumb beard into his suit and helmet but he does it. for fashion and to give away as little as possible in regards to his identity.

oo also he has like a speaker in his helmet that works as a voice scrambler. so it's like. even harder to trace to him, and w his technopathy he can change the scrambler at will.

like deadass one time he attacks DedSec he makes his voice scrambler sound EXACTLY like Wrench and it's shaking.

he doesn’t have any visible logos, just cool tech-y lines down his sides, arms, and legs. probably his back too? by tech-y lines i mean the kind you see on microchips and stuff.

ok let's talk abt weaknesses bc i rambled abt how GOOD his technopathy is.

but bc of his superior intellect, and just based on canon stuff, Dusan is... like the ULTIMATE stereotyped villain in that he just... loves to Monologue.

so it's easy to drop a virus into his system if you just keep him talking.

like say he's showin down w DedSec and he has all but Marcus tied up and he's gettin ready to kill Marcus but Marcus gets him monologuing so, like, Wrench can use his own technopathy to manipulate a virus into Dusan's suit.

the thing is, Dusan is aware 99% of the time. he's aware of his suit's system. he's aware of how his system connects back to Blume HQ and his private offices off the server room. he's aware 99% of the time of everything

but when Marcus fucking Holloway plays dumb as a box of rocks, Dusan Nemec canNOT help but mockingly explain things to him. and Marcus is used to ppl thinking lesser of him, so it's really easy to play it up until...

WELL, YA KNOW???

n Marcus fucking BOOKS IT to save DedSec while all sort of DS imagery is popping up on Dusan’s visor screen and Ode to Joy but, ya know, the DedSec version all loud and violent, is BLARING into his ears and he cant THINK and he’s scrambling and by the time he can get his brain to focus and force out the virus, DedSec is gone

(he never learns, either. but sometimes it’s Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture or some shit. it’s always a different violent crescendo of a classical song, ok? he never ever learns but he comes to DESPISE classical music.)

that’s like, his biggest weakness. he can’t help but, well, mansplain when he thinks he’s better than everyone in the room (which is always) and someone asks a stupid question. he’s such a jerk in canon, and this au/concept makes it worse bc he has like, veritable proof that his brain is more capable than others.

and, for the grand finale of this answer, Dusan Nemec’s Super Villain name...

i have NO FUCKING CLUE. here are some options:

the Coder, the Hacker, MicroGhost??? bc he like... can come and go like a ghost??? microchip, fantasy name gen just gave me Incognito which is so stupid i love it??? idk give me suggestions.

tysm for the ASK. let’s get back on this DUSAN SHIT

#ask #dusan nemec #watch dogs 2 #dedsec #anonymous #bleep #i loved doing this actually?#thank you!!!!#long post

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artificialqueens · 6 years ago

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Twist Of Fate - Ch11 - (Trixya) - katyahzamo

A/N: Here we are folks, the penultimate chapter of this fic! Things are slowly falling into place with these two and I can’t believe it’s been three months since I started writing it. Thank you everyone, for your continuous support and lovely feedback!

A reminder: Trixie is a hairdresser and Katya is a struggling photographer slash yoga instructor. Lesbian AU. Read the chapters on AO3 and/or come hang out on my tumblr katyahzamo. Comments are welcome and encouraged!

Katya wakes up sometime around eight in the morning the next day, with sweat on her upper lip and on the back of her neck. The air is stuffy in her bedroom, and only when her eyes open does she remember that she’s forgotten to leave the window open before falling asleep.

Additional source of heat is the pile of blonde curls spread across her bare chest, with an arm and a leg hugging her close as Trixie Mattel sleeps peacefully snuggled up to her. Katya can barely feel her arm that got trapped under Trixie sometime through the night, and there is a certain soreness in her thighs that reminds her it’s been a while since she’s had sex… or done strenuous yoga for that matter. Still, she has a large smile on her face as her fingers trail through blonde hair splayed across her collarbone, feeling her heart speed up at the mere thought of the last night’s events.

Seeing Trixie naked, getting to kiss every single inch of her soft skin… it was better than any fantasy Katya’s imagination could have conjured up in many lonely nights when she thought about it. Trixie was both gentle and teasing, and heat pools in the bottom of Katya’s stomach as she remembers Trixie between her legs, eating her out like it’s the last thing she’s going to do. Her thighs squeeze when she recalls the sounds that Trixie made as they fucked, as she made Katya come, over and over again, until they fell asleep snuggled together, too tired to move a muscle or put any clothes on.

Katya is pulled back to the present when Trixie snorts in her sleep and it almost makes her laugh out loud, but she remains silent when she slowly untangles their limbs and slips off the bed, in desperate need of a shower, a cigarette and some food.

Trixie doesn’t wake up until two hours later, to Katya’s great delight, since she has plenty of time to run to a convenience store right across the street, buying some toast, eggs, maple syrup and a pancake mix which she prepares quietly in her narrow kitchen that she barely ever uses for herself in the morning.

It seems that it’s the smell of French toast, eggs and bacon that rouse Trixie from her slumber, and she’s standing in the doorway, in one of Katya’s shirts no less, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and a bright smile on her face. It makes Katya’s heart jump violently and then drops to her ass. The shirt strains a little over her chest, but reaches her thighs nevertheless. She looks sexy as all hell.

“Morning.”

“Good morning, birthday girl. How did you sleep?”

“Mmm really good, but I think I fully didn’t move all night. Everything hurts.”

There is a little pout on Trixie’s lips, that playful one that Katya has seen so many times in the last twenty-four hours, and it is hard to breathe for a moment before she flips the pancake.

“Maybe you can do some yoga with me later?”

“Hard pass. I’d rather do something else.”

Katya turns her head, and Trixie is there, leaning her hip against the counter, her eyes big, and brown, and staring at Katya’s mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Mmm.”

A second later she hops on the counter to sit there and gets a toast and nibbles on it, watching Katya who puts the last pancake on the plate, turns off the stove and comes in front of her. Trixie’s knees part instinctively and Katya settles between her thighs.

“This is really good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. I usually don’t eat white bread that much but I was starving.”

“I also made you pancakes and bought a little candle so you can blow on it. Even though you don’t celebrate your birthday-”

“Oh I celebrate it.”

Katya, who had her hands resting on Trixie’s bare thighs and was brushing her fingers up and down lazily looked at her with her eyebrows raised.

“But you told me last night you-“

“I did that only so you would finish what you started.”

“Oh my god.”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

Trixie’s wide grin makes Katya cackle, all with head thrown back in delight.

“You’re such a fucking brat.”

“It’s what you signed up for, mama.”

They laugh and Trixie drops the toast back on the plate when Katya leans in to leave kisses under her jaw and down her neck, her eyes closing instinctively and arms wrapping around Katya’s shoulders. She leans up seconds later to capture Trixie’s lips with her own, and before long Trixie has her nails dragging down Katya’s back and Katya desperately digs her fingers into the soft flesh of Trixie’s thighs.

“God you’re so sexy.” Katya’s words are barely a breath she speaks into Trixie’s open mouth, and are greeted with a soft moan before the kiss becomes needier, causing both of them to grind their hips towards the other.

“Trix-“ Katya starts again, but Trixie’s fingers are already trailing down Katya’s abdomen and past the hem of her boxers, finding her wet already. Feeling Trixie’s cold fingers pressing against her clit makes Katya gasp into the kiss, and she adjusts her hips so Trixie can have more access.

It doesn’t take her long before she drops from the counter and on her knees, to Katya’s surprise, in the middle of the tiny kitchen. With Katya’s boxers discarded on a nearby chair and Trixie’s mouth between Katya’s legs, Katya is reduced to a shaky, moaning mess minutes later, barely holding herself upright by leaning back and gripping the countertop with one hand and Trixie’s hair with the other. She comes without much effort and Trixie’s fingers knuckles deep in her pussy, and Trixie playfully kisses her before going for a shower; leaving the Russian disheveled and barely able to put her underwear on and set up the table for breakfast.

“So you know Mrs. Davis, right? Kasha Davis?”

They are sitting on the couch, Trixie’s feet in Katya’s lap and a plate of pancakes in her own. Katya made her blow a single candle she found in one of the drawers and make a wish she then refused to share with Katya. It won’t come true if I do! She said and interrupted Katya’s laugh with a lingering kiss and a hug in a silent thank you. They moved to the couch immediately after and put a movie they weren’t paying attention to, too distracted by kissing and Trixie force-feeding pancakes to Katya, who refused to eat pieces that had maple syrup on it.

“The older, rich lady that comes to Honey? Yeah I know her.”

“Her daughter Jean is having a Sweet Sixteen party in two weeks.”

“Oh god don’t tell me she’s gonna be on MTV or something.”

“How old are you?” Trixie laughs loudly and Katya swats at her ankle playfully. “No, grandma, she won’t be on a show that ended ten years ago, but-“

“It didn’t end! It’s still going!”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah! I’m pretty sure I watched it last week.”

They bicker for a little while longer, until Trixie pulls out her phone from underneath her and stares at the Wikipedia article with her mouth open, and Katya laughing loudly at her.

“I’m right, huh? It’s still airing.”

“Who the hell funds this still?”

“Mrs. Kasha Davis?”

“Right!” Trixie tosses her phone Katya’s way, who catches it and laughs again, doubling down on intensity when Trixie glares at her and then Katya raises her arms up in surrender.

“I’m sorry! Go ahead, what about her daughter?”

Trixie blinks at her pointedly a several times more but then her expression softens when she speaks again.

“Latrice called me while I was still in Wisconsin. Apparently, Mrs. Kasha Davis wants me to do her daughter’s hair. And her daughter’s best friends’ hair. And probably makeup too. There will be like… seven or eight girls there.”

“Trix, that’s great! They’re loaded, they will probably pay well.”

“Right? There’s a problem, though. Maybe one you can help me with?”

Katya tilts her head and can’t help but grin back when Trixie bats her eyelashes again, feeling her heart thump at the sight.

“What do you need?”

“They need a photographer. Apparently there’s a company who organizes these things and they usually send a photographer and a makeup artist in a bundle. And it’s hard for them to find a photographer on their own on such a short notice. So…”

“So if you don’t find a photographer, they will go with the company.”

“Right. I know you’re busy and you’re getting like a thousand jobs offer an hour but…”

“Trix, being booked one week in advance is barely a thousand offers.”

“I know! But you’re so good and all these modeling agencies are fighting for you, and I know teens are not your thing but…”

“I’ll do it.”

Trixie’s eyes widen, and her smile too. Money aside, this sight alone makes Katya think that hanging around teenagers the entire day makes it totally worth it.

“Really?”

“Yeah! I mean, they are loaded and I can probably get a rate as high as I get for weddings so…”

She doesn’t finish the sentence since Trixie has put the pancakes away and is pulling her down towards herself, her soft pink lips covering every inch of Katya’s face, causing her to burst into laughter, over and over again. Doing what she loves to do and with the girl that she’s pretty sure she’s in love with? Who would say no?

The two of them stay on Katya’s couch for the remainder of the morning and early afternoon, cuddling and watching Casablanca that comes on, parting reluctantly only when Trixie says she needs to go into Honey even though it’s her last day of paid leave and it’s her birthday. Since Katya needs to work on engagement photos she’s taken the day before, she lets her go, but not before spending fifteen minutes kissing at the front door and agreeing to see each other that evening for birthday celebration, and the next day, when Katya would pick Trixie up from work and go with her to test out a new lens in the park nearby. As she watches Trixie get into her Uber while she smokes on the window, Katya wonders what she did in her largely miserable life to finally get so lucky.

“No, go back. Details bitch. Is she a top or a bottom? What does she like? Did you talk kinks yet?”

The connection on Violet’s side is not really the best, and Katya has to squint at her own phone to recognize that the pixelated blur is in fact her best friend, calling her from the other side of the continent, after having blown up her phone when Katya told her Trixie began spending almost every night for the past week.

“Vi, I can barely hear you, what?”

Maybe she is trying to avoid the subject altogether now, at least until Violet is in the same room as her, since sleeping with Trixie is… different. She is not just a tinder hookup or a casual dating thing that Katya had no issues talking about with her best friend in the past, all details included. Now, she is afraid of sharing too much with the universe, fearing that the universe might yet again be a bitch and take it away from her.

Just that morning Trixie left her apartment to go to work, and she woke Katya up by dragging her to the shower and kissing the sleep away from her puffy eyelids, then proceeded to make them both coffee after which they sat by the window as Katya smoked. Trixie’s thumb rubbed her knee as they talked about their plans for the weekend. It has been surreal, more surreal than any other thing that had happened to Katya in the past year. Considering all the changes that she went through, this being the biggest one, it was a lot, and now difficult to put into words.

How can she even begin to describe the happiness she feels to get to spend every single free moment with Trixie when it seemed just like a distant fantasy only a month ago? No words could even begin to come close to describe how beautiful Trixie is, or how funny. How her nose scrunches lightly when she yawns over her cup of coffee in the morning or how she chews thoughtfully and looks into the distance when she thinks Katya isn’t looking. Anything she could say to Violet pales in comparison to the warmth in her chest when Trixie kisses her collarbone and talks sleepily before drifting off and the way her small apartment rings with the sound of Trixie’s absurdly loud laughter. Katya is happy, and it’s a scary thing to even fathom talking about.

“Fine, you don’t have to tell me now. Is it good at least? Is she good?”

The connection clears enough for Violet to see the wide grin on Katya’s face, the crinkles around her eyes visible even through the blurry video.

“She’s the best, Vi. I’ll tell you everything when you get back.”

“So, I want my hair to be wavy, but not too curly. I don’t wanna look basic, you know?”

Katya is barely holding in her laughter as Jean continues chattering on, giving precise instructions on how her hair needs to look like, the funny part being the way Trixie’s eyes are bugging out a little. Katya can see that Trixie is holding in an exasperated huff too, but nods along and keeps saying okay as the girl continues talking.

“And please don’t give Amanda the same hair as mine, she’s been trying to copy me for months.”

“Isn’t Amanda one of your best friends, dear?”

Mrs. Kasha Davis is sitting in the chair next to her daughter, flipping through the menu that the caterers have brought minutes after Katya and Trixie walked through the door of the gigantic mansion where the Davises lived. Her eyes lift up towards her daughter, a perfectly shaped eyebrow quirked.

“Mom, I told you fifteen times already, I have to keep Amanda close because she has the pull with the cheerleaders. But I can’t stand her, all she talks about is Justin Bieber and we all know he’s so 2013.”

Katya cackles at this when her eyes meet Trixie’s, and the girl looks at them in the mirror.

“What? You know I’m right.”

“You sure are.” Katya says amusingly, lifting the camera and adjusting the lens before she snaps a photo of the mother and the daughter, with Trixie fiddling with the scissors in the background.

Both Trixie and Katya woke up at seven in the morning to get everything ready for the Sweet Sixteen party, or at least the part they play in it, since Latrice instructed them both on what Mrs. Davis loves and doesn’t love, and when she saw Trixie getting nervous about her first big gig, encouraged them both that Kasha, despite being a rich white woman, has a kind heart and will tell them if anything is amiss.

They had no issues finding the house in the outskirts of Boston hours later and Katya expected to see swans in their larger-than-life front yard that had a fountain decorated with endless balloons and pink bows. Despite the kitschiness of it all, Katya appreciated how this girl’s parents went above and beyond to make their daughter’s birthday special. Jean, all teenager drama aside, is not as snobby as Katya expects most girls of her class to be, and she spent half an hour discussing photography with her before they sat down for hair and makeup.

Soon after they shit talk Amanda, the head cheerleader walks in with half a dozen of other girls and Trixie sits them all down and gives them catalogues to browse for hair styles they want, while Katya walks around, taking quick photos as girls get ready, of the tables and canopy set in the backyard, of the house and exterior decorations, and finally of Trixie.

The only dress code for the party is to incorporate something pink in their outfit, since that is the main color of the event. Trixie sure looks the part n her baby pink dress, slightly loose around her shoulders and flowy around her legs and reaching down below her knees. Her thick curls are pushed in a ponytail and makeup is as soft as one could imagine it being on a warm September day. She looks like she walked out of Katya’s wildest cotton candy dreams. Katya, in return, sports only a dark pink button up shirt that she matched with the black pantsuit, the jacket tossed aside as soon as they arrived to the house.

Katya feels smug whenever she notices Trixie swallowing every time she looks at her, and remembers how breathlessly she complimented her that morning when she saw Katya get out of the car to kiss her hello in front of Kim’s building when she picked her up.

She sees Trixie looking at her now, a curling iron in her hand and a little smile on her face that Katya snapped a photo of seconds before, and now has the wild urge to go over and kiss her senseless. Instead, Katya walks past her and squeezes Trixie’s hip lightly before she walks out of the spacious, bright-lit room and into the back porch of the house. Some of the guests have begun arriving already, mostly family members including older aunts and uncles. Mrs. Davis has told them that the main event would be after seven, when half of Jean’s school would be coming over for the party, but the afternoon was reserved for the older family members and friends of Mr. and Mrs. Davis.

Katya spends an hour or two walking between the tables, introducing herself to people who want to know her name, and taking photos much to the guests’ delight. Despite having initial reservations for an event like this, Katya realized that older rich white people are a goldmine for photography opportunities, and she has already given out a dozen of her business cards before she sees Trixie on the porch too, drinking something that looks like pink lemonade.

“Almost done?” Katya comes to stand next to her but only after she’s quickly snapped a photo of her, feeling her heart grow ten sizes when she sees Trixie pose playfully.

“Yep. Jean was right, Amanda talks about Bieber more than you talk about your Russian weirdo bands.”

“Hey!” Katya cackles and nudges her with her hip, sending Trixie into giggles too.

“They’re a cool bunch, though. They keep asking me if I can redo their makeup too.”

“How could they not? You’re the incarnation of their favorite Barbie they played with up until two years ago.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.”

“What? I think you look beautiful.”

Trixie’s blush is visible even in the slight shade of the porch and Katya is grinning proudly.

“God, if we made out right here, right now, do you think we’d look unprofessional?”

“Only one way to find out.”

“Katya!”

“What? You think dykes would be too much for the poor old aunt Shirley over there?”

“She’d fully be clutching her pearls.”

“Oh there you two are!”

The voice of Mrs. Davis makes them both jump a little and they turn around, their expressions slightly flushed and guilty. Katya prays she didn’t hear any part of the conversation they just had. But, even if she did, Kasha shows no signs of it.

“Trixie, dear, Jean is absolutely glowing because of your handiwork. You did a marvelous job!”

Trixie grins and Katya’s heart skips several beats. She’s so proud of her.

“I’m glad she’s happy with it. I only have two more girls left and I’ll be done.”

“Beautiful! Katya, we’ve agreed you’ll be staying here until nine, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, Mrs. Davis.”

“Please, darlings, call me Kasha. You’re making me feel old.”

All three of them laugh and Katya nods.

“Anyway, I’m here to offer you to stay for the party too, Trixie.”

“Oh you really don’t have to, I-“

“No, nonsense! You can keep Katya company and David ordered too much food for this amount of people. I insist.”

Katya and Trixie look at each other and Katya gives her a non-committal shrug, even though all she wants is to have Trixie around for the entirety of the day. It would definitely make the remainder of the party more bearable.

“Okay, I’ll stay then. Thank you. If you need me to help with anything-“

“No, absolutely not. You can finish up the hair and makeup, and I might ask you to touch up mine later in the afternoon, but the moment you are done you’re a guest like everything else here.”

“Thank you M- Kasha.”

“Oh you’re both welcome. Now if you’ll excuse me, I see my mother-in-law calling.”

Both Trixie and Katya laugh at the eyeroll and the wink Kasha gives them, and watch her trod across the lawn.

“Better go get Amanda ready before she cuts my head off.”

Katya laughs and takes her hand briefly, kissing it.

“Go. I’ll be out here. And bring me one of those lemonades when you’re done.”

The remainder of the afternoon goes by fast, and Katya barely has time to shove some of the food in her mouth while people call her from one side of the lawn or another, wishing her to take photos of them in different poses and with different family members and friends. It’s well past six in the evening and the majority of the adults are already tipsy and ready to dance, so the DJ is already in his spot too, forced to take requests of songs that range from Frank Sinatra to Spice Girls. When five minutes pass without anyone calling out her name, Katya decides to take a bathroom break while she still can, since the only people who like having their photos taken more than middle-aged people are teenagers, and almost a hundred of them are soon to start arriving through the door.

The bathroom offers a welcome silence and Katya feels her head pulsating a little bit, but she has to admit to herself that she is having fun, more so because she knows Trixie is going to join her soon. What makes her the happiest, though, is the fact that Trixie will be coming home with her later and they will get to snuggle on her worn out couch and talk to each other about the day they had.

Just as Katya flushes and goes to wash her hands, there is a brief knock on the bathroom door and Katya calls out that she’ll be out in a second. When she does open the door, she sees Trixie standing on the other side, the look on her face making butterflies in Katya’s stomach dance for the millionth time that day.

“Oh hi.”

“Hello.”

Trixie’s hand pushes her lightly from the door and back into the bathroom again, and follows her in an instant before she closes the door and locks it.

“I’ve missed you the whole damn day.”

“Me too.”

Katya wraps her arms around Trixie’s waist and Trixie cups both sides of Katya’s face and leans in to kiss her – her soft lingering kisses that Katya returns eagerly, humming contentedly.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you all day.” Trixie mutters into the kiss and Katya kisses her again, and again, and again, until she’s backed into the wall and raking her fingers through Katya’s waves, the feeling of blunt nails against her scalp causing goosebumps on the back of Katya’s neck.

“Did I tell you how hot you are in that fucking suit? Holy shit.”

Katya squeezes Trixie’s waist in response, digging fingers there and grinding against Trixie’s thigh just a little, their mouths inches apart, both of them breathing heavily.

“Do you think it would be unprofessional if I bent you over in our client’s bathroom and fucked you senseless?”

That makes Trixie’s mouth fall open and she kisses Katya softly again, and Katya knows that she’s considering it. They both know it’s a probable thing that would happen if their kisses lasted for more than five seconds.

“Probably. Maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe you can do that later tonight when we’re back at your place?”

“Sounds like a solid plan.”

Katya is the first one to rejoin the party, her neck still flushed from how easily worked up Trixie has gotten her, but her dark red lipstick is in place once again and her hair brushed out. There is an ache between her thighs for a while after, especially when Trixie comes to join her soon after with a hand on Katya’s lower back, but knows that they still have a few hours to go.

Taking photos of teenagers is definitely more work, since they ask to see how they look in photos every time they are taken, but they are also ready to go with Katya’s ideas of crazy poses, so Katya finds herself having a lot of fun. Both her and Trixie, who watches the entire thing unfold, are invited into several selfies too an hour into what turned into a photoshoot with the cheerleaders.

It’s well past nine when Katya packs up her camera, and when she comes out to the lawn that is now lit up with hundreds of small lights and with a crowd consisting now mostly of people under twenty, save some of the adults here and there, she finds Trixie surrounded by several girls who keep asking her about the hair products she uses to make her curls be the way that they are. Once Katya reaches them, Jean begs them both to stay a little bit longer to join the dancing since the band has taken over, and Trixie is the first one to give in.

An hour later Trixie and Katya are still on the dance floor, and no one seems to care that they are dancing with each other and not talking with anyone else aside from several older cousins who are there more out of solidarity for their cousin’s birthday wishes more than anything else. When the fast-beat song changes to something slower, Katya pulls Trixie close and Trixie leans her head on Katya’s shoulder as they sway slowly.

“This is like a prom I never got to have.”

Katya pulls her head from where it rested, leaned on top of Trixie’s, in surprise.

“You never went to your prom?”

Trixie rolls her eyes but laughs.

“Of course I went to prom, but I never got to go to one with a girl that I liked.”

Even though Katya knows that Trixie likes her, she’ll never get tired of hearing it.

“Did you go with a guy, then?”

“Yep, Bob. We were the only two out gays in the entire school so no one really wanted to do anything with us.”

“I’m sorry, Trix.”

“It doesn’t matter, we had a lot of fun. And I get to redo it with you now.”

“Does this mean I forgot to buy you flowers and that I’m a horrible girlfriend?”

Trixie lifts her head up to meet Katya’s eyes and only by the expression on her face does she realize what she just said.

“So that’s what you are, huh? My girlfriend?”

Katya grins wider, and kisses the small crease that formed in the corner of Trixie’s eye as her smile grows too.

“Yep.”

“Cool. Then I’ll need those flowers.”

“I’ll get them for you as soon as we get out of here.”

They leave the party shortly after that, and Katya does stop in front of a little flower shop whose owner knows Katya from before, and who gives her a bouquet of lilies that she passes on to Trixie when she gets back in the car.

“Are we having a little Imagine Me and You moment now, Katya?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Imagine Me and You? The best lesbian movie ever made?”

“Never heard of it.”

“And yet you know that Sweet Sixteen is still airing? I’m breaking up with you immediately.”

The ride to Katya’s apartment is full of their bickering and Trixie’s loud laughter, and Katya can’t remember a better day at work in her entire life. A part of her wishes that she and Trixie can do things like this forever. She loves photography, and getting to finally do it for living is a dream come true, but now she wants to share that dream with Trixie. As she watches Trixie kick off her heels and stretch before she joins her on the couch, Katya thinks that it’s probably too early to even bring it up. She knows that Trixie has been planning to leave Honey for a while now, but Katya doesn’t want to put a strain in their very new relationship by proposing something like that. They have time.

An hour later they are still on the couch, their carefully applied lipsticks gone and their clothes discarded on the floor. They barely spoke anything in the hurry to get each other off, the tension between them building for the entire day and released only when Katya fucked Trixie until her thighs shook and then gladly returned the favor. Katya felt so exhausted afterward, especially with Trixie cuddling into her side, both lazy to get up, shower, and go to bed. The silence breaks shortly after, and Katya didn’t notice that Trixie has been chewing on her lip nervously for at least ten minutes before she speaks.

“Katya?”

“Yeah?”

“I have to talk to you about something.”

“Shoot.”

“Remember when I went back to Wisconsin to be with family couple of weeks ago?”

“Yes, of course I remember.”

“I went to see Pearl too.”

The name Pearl, spoken out of nowhere, and in that context, sucks all of the air from Katya’s lungs and suddenly she can’t breathe, so she sits up. Trixie, who was leaned on her, sits up too, bringing the blanket to her chest, suddenly feeling exposed. Katya opens her mouth once, both unsure of what to say and not understanding why this is being brought up now, then closes it. Then finally:

“Okay.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you back then. I wasn’t sure where you and I were going and there never seemed to be a right time. This is also not the right time, but I have to tell you anyway.”

This exact moment not being the right time is an understatement. Katya’s jaw is clamped shut, but all she can do is look at Trixie, and wait. After all, she has no idea what seeing Pearl means in this case, and wants to give Trixie the benefit of the doubt. Shiver passes down her spine, but it has nothing to do with being cold.

“And I know you and I didn’t talk about it at all, but our breakup went really badly, and I was afraid that I hurt her so I – I needed to fix it.”

Met with Katya’s silence, Trixie seems to falter a little bit, but she continues talking.

“So Bob and I went to Chicago and Pearl and I met over lunch and talked about… everything. Nothing happened obviously, I knew I didn’t love her that… way, and I knew I liked you, so I wanted to do the right thing and bring us both closure.”

A part of Katya, that has been under considerable strain and threatening to snap since Trixie started the conversation, loosened up and she let out a small breath. Nothing happened. Yet, there is an irrational part of her that’s still hurt about it. It’s not something she can help.

“Why are you telling me this now? That was almost a month ago.” Her voice too is slightly strained, but Katya tries not to project her insecurities on Trixie. Her insecurities are what ended every single relationship she’s had so far. There weren’t many.

When Katya didn’t snap, something that Trixie apparently expected, the corner of her mouth pulled into a small smile and she shrugged. Despite the rollercoaster of emotions that Katya went within two minutes time, she can’t help but want to hug Trixie when she sees her this way.

“You called me your girlfriend tonight. I was afraid that mentioning Pearl would fuck all of this up, and these past couple of weeks have been the best I’ve had in my life.”

“Mine too.”

Trixie’s face seems to light up at that.

“And tonight you called me your girlfriend and I became aware that I can’t hold this back from you because I don’t want to hide anything from you, Katya. I really, really like you and I want us to work. More than I want anything else.”

“Trixie…”

“So I had to say it. And I see that you’re upset and I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know and not find out from one of our friends or something.”

Katya reaches out and takes Trixie’s hand for the millionth time that day, and pulls her close, meeting in a kiss as she closes the distance between them, and Trixie readily responds.

“Thank you for telling me.” Katya speaks when they pull away, and Trixie leans into her side to snuggle her again.

“Thank god. If we had to fight it would have killed me.”

“How did Pearl take it?”

Trixie lifts her head to see that Katya’s looking at her, and they smile at each other.

“She was surprisingly okay and appreciated that I wanted to clear the air. She’s going on a big world tour and said it was for the best anyway.”

“And you’re okay? You guys were together for a long time.”

“Trust me, Katya, I’ve never been more okay with anything in my life. I have you.”

—–

#twist of fate #katyahzamo #lesbian au #slow burn #mutual pining #trixya #soft smut #rpdr fanfiction

12 notes · View notes

shytiff · 4 years ago

Text

June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins.

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients.

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning.

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers.

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

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