#the only song i allowed myself to listening when im sad sad is all flowers in time bends towards the sun with Elizabeth Fraser

[pukkipukko]

Every single time this song make me cry. It's kind of stupid bc I'm not even heartbroken but his voice is so emotional, the whole instrumental too.

[insomnihan]

han’s Entire Thoughts and Feelings on Dreamcatcher’s “Deja Vu”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

MY TIME HAS COME 2.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FULL INSOMNIA MODE DONT. LOOK. AT. ME.

there are no read mores here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ALRIGHT SO-

THE SONG OKAY LETS JUMP RIGHT INTO IT i wasnt expecting something lowkey sad BUT im not mad at it!!!!!!!!!! i had conflicting emotions when i desperately wanted to cry but also headbang?????? HOWEVER thanks to force and air the tears in my eyes were drying as i headbanged- LIKE this song really PUT ME THROUGH IT like that chorus didnt have tO DO ME LIKE THAT™!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THEN THE VERSES AND THE PRE-CHORUSES WERE SLOW (and the bridge but bridges be like that in nearly all songs) WHICH IM ACTUALLY REALLY INTO it was like being in a roller coaster with the verses being the slow hill and the chorus was the fall THAT PIANO GOES HARD...................... but like in a soft way????? DONT ASK ME WHAT IM SAYING IS IM A HOE™ FOR PIANO THOSE DRUMS DURING THE CHORUS STOP IT I CANNOT I FELT THEM VIBRATE THROUGH MY BONES

like i DEADASS have nothing to criticize or change about this song its PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS (except for like more gahyeon and dami????? pls??????)

siyeon starting the song.......................... thank you.............. I STILL STAND BY SAYING I WOULD LISTEN TO HER VOICE FOR LITERALLY FOREVER HER VOICE DURING THE CHORUS QUEEN OF SINGING CHORUSES OH BUT THEN THAT HIGH NOTE ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? SHE DIDNT HAVE TO KILL ME LIKE THIS BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH I- and now....... im in the deja vu P L E A S E

gaaaaaaaahhhyeeeeeooonnnn her voice is so pretty!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!! HOWEVER youre the second one to sing with this beautiful gentleness of a part and to be honest this part paired with siyeon starting it really eases you into the song and its quite the blessing to hear thanks- and then yknow this part right after handong........................... Heaven™

SPEAKING OF HANDONG LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE AMOUNT OF LINES SHE HAS MAKES ME WANNA CRY OKAY THIS PART RIGHT HERE............................. PLS.............. (i think its just me but theres a smaller voice singing like right under her voice????) HER PRE-CHORUS PARTS ARE LITERALLY THE BEST PARTS IN THE WHOLE SONG TO LISTEN TO pls believe me when i say this its NOT bc shes my ultimate bias like i genuinely like her parts the most

sua pls i was already prepared for softer vocals and you really gave that to me and then this is absolute perfection they were beautiful and amazing OF COURSE got me feeling like i was floating on actually clouds god TAHNK YOU AND THEN YOU JUST HAD TO HIT ME WITH YOUR PART RIGHT HERE???? i understand its just the chorus but I Felt That™ okay!!!!!!

JIU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i stand by saying how your voice be powerful as hell still even during these lines VERY short but VERY effective and very good leading into the chorus i love- and then your bridge....................... B I C T H really put me in my feelings but i welcome it with EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING and with open arms.......................

YOOHYEON AKA THE OTHER QUEEN OF SINGING CHORUSES I MEAN..................................... I LITERALLY DUNNO WHAT TO SAY!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE THEIR BEAUTIFUL SOUNDING HER VOICE GOES WELL WITH THEM like i really like the parts she sings after siyeon like................. Y O O F if a feather became a voice-

i need more dami too..................... P L E A S E like obviously with their other songs i was expecting dami to be in the second verse and with a smooth rap section and the former was correct HOWEVER to my pleasant surprise SHE SANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! her singing voice suited this SO MUCH and im actually glad there wasnt a rap part at all in this song especially that SECOND PART.................. Heaven™ 2x

my favorite lyrics (x): i know i said handongs were my favorite to listen to but i like these lines dont hurt me

난 이 숨결이 허락되는 날까지 As long as I can breathe 다신 너를 놓을 수 없어 I can’t let go of you again 우린 모든 순간 함께 할 테니 We’ll be together for every moment 내 곁에서 beside me

THE DANCE OKAY IM GONNA DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT ill be referring to THIS PERFORMANCE can we pls talk about how loud the fanchant is im crying and really take it in and all of their talented glory ANYWAY OF COURSE the choreography F UKCING SLAPS just so many different position changes and just alwaYS SO IN SYNC WITH EACH OTHER ITS INSANE ill just list them briefly and keep the points short this is long enough:

THE BEGINNING AND THE END BEING THE SAME...................... CERTAINLY DEJA VU-

SIYEONS TUTTING THING THANKS

handongs majestic spin

this and this with how the formation changes and how their arms swing AND the kick

ALSO in those parts in the last bullet i dunno why but i like that move jiu does when she sings IT HITS

i recall sua spoiling literally the first move of the chorus dance in that vlive THE CHORUS DANCE ALL THOSE FORMATION CHANGES LITERALLY MESS ME UP and THIS most important move in the entire choreography and they line up and its SO COOL to look at

when they lie on each other doing yoohyeons lines

handongs part again when theyre in the line and how satisfying it is to watch

THE ENTIRE BRIDGE

LITERALLY THE ENTIRE DANCE FROM START TO FINISH

QUEENS OF STABILITY

sidenote: can we talk about how handong and dami?????? literally spin during their parts????? and they sounded super clear??????

THE VISUALS SO.......................... if you had asked me two days ago (maybe a little bit of yesterday) about how i felt about this video.................. i wouldve mentioned some unpopular opinions regarding the videos look............ i mentioned to gwen @loonapunk that i wasnt TOO into it............ BUT- after finally sitting down to do this long ass post i dont hate it!!!!!!!!!!!! i think bc i have to remind myself that this song (album???? well song-) is for that kings raid game and all the visuals AND story are based off that????? i dunno BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS I LIKE TO WATCH IT

IM TOO BIG STUPID™ TO COMPREHEND THIS STORYLINE AND COME UP WITH MY OWN THEORIES EVEN NOW AND I WOULD L O V E TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU BUT THIS IS LONG ENOUGH AS IT IS SO ILL REDIRECT YOU TO THEORY POSTS (TWO (2) FROM MY GALAXY BRAIN MOOTS) THAT I LIKED:

@highsomnia NITAS POST WHICH I PERSONALLY FOUND ENJOYABLE TO READ SO IF YOU COULD READ THIS YOU SHOULD ALSO READ THAT

@in-somnias ELENAS POST WHICH WAS ALSO AN INTERESTING READ RIGHT HERE

AND THEN THIS ONE THAT WAS ORIGINALLY FROM TWITTER i dont follow her so im not gonna @

AIIGHT IMMA GO CRAZY WITH THESE SHOTS (with only small one/two sentence captions this is LONG ENOUGH):

BICTH I SAW THIS AND KNEW I WAS GONNA GET GOT™ like its just super duper INCREDIBLY PRETTY TO LOOK AT

THIS WILL BE FOREVER ICONIC™ DONT ARGUE WITH ME

this is what the calm before the storm looks like

went back to the mv film making video and turns out they got slippers on under that table love that for them

how in the hell am i supposed to interpret this exchange

okay longer section i think im supposed to interpret this more as a sister bond than a romantic one?????? i remember being taken aback and believed this to be something gay BUT 99.9% OF INSOMNIAS say its gay subtext so ill just put it like that i dunno but like i just wanna say they have beautiful smiles and im love them!!!

a youtuber reacting to this mv saying it just looks like theyre shading each other.................... anyway-

i CANNOT i repeat I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU how Shook™ i was when i saw this for the first time i basically jumped out of my chair i couldnt i-

this mv really led me to believe jiu was the evil one.............................

POETIC. CINEMA.

THE WOMAN. THE MYTH. THE LEGEND. THE FIREBENDER. THE WOLF. LEE SIYEON. pls light me up

Symbolism™................ SYMBOLISM I CANNOT COMPREHEND GO TO THE THEORIES

MORE SYMBOLISM GO TO THE THEORIES

T H E M

NOT ONLY IS THIS VIDEO SUPER AESTHETIC™ BUT THE SEVEN (7) MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN THE WORLD BLESSING US ONCE AGAIN WITH THEIR PRESENCE AND ALLOWED THEIR ROYALTY VIBES SHOOT INTO THE MESOSPHERE INTO REAL LIFE KILLING ALL OF US

THE DANCING SCENES WITH THE TEASER OUTFITS...................................... AT EASE.....................

LITERALLY NO COMPLAINTS MOVING ON:

JIU

L I S T E N KIM MINJI YOURE A FULL PRINCESS this pink fluffy dress with the flower crown in this picture............................ i may have cried- like a lot of people were trying this look to persephone and im HERE for that concept for her and like the white outfit AND black outfit is probably super symbolic again im too Big Stupid™ anyway when i saw that black outfit in the teaser........................... i was attacked jiu with a sword is just EVERYTHING i wanted and more

SUA

LITERALLY I CANNOT- her hair being wavy looks SO GOOD on her THIS BLACK DRESS WITH THE FLOWERS she is always a Serve™ WE KNOW THAT but her visuals just HIT DIFFERENT this time lighter colored hair really suits her and then of course she looks FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC in the dance scenes in the white and the black that low pony tail pls

SIYEON

purple on this woman just shoulders and collarbones out being Beautiful™ ALL THE WHILE staying ON BRAND with herself and was wearing pants good for her G O D i just love the way her hair looks in the white and gold outfits like it just LOOKS PRETTY to me i dunno how to describe it also her with a pony tail WHAT ARE YOU SO PRETTY FOR-

HANDONG

i just................... want closer shots of this.................. CLOSER SHOTS IN GENERAL OF HER ACTUALLY like LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL™ SHE LOOKS HERE I WANNA SEE MORE OF IT??????? PLS??????? nothing gets me weaker than her hair being styled exactly like in the picture i just love that her royalty and regal vibes and looks were FINALLY realized and WAS BROUGHT TO THE FOREFRONT

YOOHYEON

THIS MV MUST CONVINCE ME SHE IS EVIL BY SHOWING HER FOREHEAD first of all the first outfit turning her into an Actual Entire Princess™/Queen™ that red one i dont really understand SHE MAKES IT WORK THO THEN THAT BLACK OUTFIT LISTEN yo it was like getting hit by a whole truck full speed i wasnt ready and i just wanna admire that yoohyeon and gray colored hair is an actual match made in heaven i just have to say-

DAMI

i love this suit and the patten on it so much this outfits color (what is that teal????) and her hair color is such a GOOD PAIRING and on her SHE JUST KILLED ME WITH HER SOLO SCENES i wish i had more to say about her and her outfits but what else can i say other than that she is INSANELY ATTRACTIVE AND I WANT HER TO STEP ON ME???????

GAHYEON

she really broke my neck when i saw her the first time LIKE DEADASS LOOK AT THIS PICTURE i had fallen for her and i cannot get up when i saw this outfit in the other shots like the black top and the see through sleeves but her skirt is like different colors she really Served™ in this outfit bangs usually look cute but in her solo parts she was coming for my heart like miss lee gahyeon pls-

BONUS TIME: B-SIDE TRACKS (just short thoughts and point out specific parts i liked lmao)

Intro:

their intros always slap are you kidding me-

The curse of the Spider

i wasnt ready for this bop to slap me in the face on my spotify that chorus didnt have to do that to me THAT GUITAR DIDNT HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME i love the way dami and handong sound in this song i mean wrow-

favorite lyrics (x):

소름이 끼칠 만큼 It’s chilling 도망치고 싶어질 it makes me want to run away 그런 두려움일 테니 such is this fear

Silent Night

B I H C T i knew when i heard this in the highlight it was going to be my favorite one IT REALLY WOKE SOMETHING IN ME these lyrics i cant- gahyeon and handong hurted me with their lower registers Y AL L YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HURTED ME THAT D R O P DID

favorite lyrics (x):

겨눈 칼 끝은 a blade directed at someone 결국 돌아오게 돼 eventually returns 더 다가오지 마 don’t come closer

Polaris

this song is as if i was wrapped in the thickest blanket i got and im resting on the softest bed in the world with a fireplace going nearby and i could finally rest peacefully bc the lord knows i need it- i really cried a little bit listening to this pls leave me be i legit cant pick a specific member i liked the most for this song i just love it and everything it got

favorite lyrics (x):

그게 너라서 행복해 I’m happy that it’s you 그 많은 인연 속에 Among those numerous connections 수많은 사람 중에 Among those numerous people

LIKE im so completely satisfied with every song on this album and im completely in love with it!!!!!!!!!! the only ‘issue’ i really had was with the mv visually but as you read i warmed up to it lmao LIKE IM JUST SO PROUD OF THESE WOMEN AND HOW TALENTED AND HARDWORKING THEY ARE like i have to say the japanese release?????? and this????? being so close to each other????? you telling me they learned TWO (2) different choreographies one after the other???? i absolutely love this album and i desperately desperately DESPERATELY want so much more success for them bc ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is supposed to be just about the overall mv and deja vu but i might as well just type what i feel lmao

IN CONCLUSION: MY INSOMNIA ASS IS BOTH ALIVE AND DEAD BUT MOSTLY ALIVE I LOVE THIS IM STREAMING

i have to bring this back its relevant again:

[spiffysixxsense]

Hello annoying best friend here to fulfill my duty by asking you to answer all of the cute asks

angel; do you have a nickname?

not really. my name is already short and I don't have a prominent quality to nickname me after. The only person who refers to me as anything other than my name is my boyfriend, but I don't think “babe/baby” really counts as a nickname lol

awe; how old are you?

24

baby; favorite color?

dark teal (blue-green? I've never found a good name for my favorite color)

bloop; spirit animal?

so because I didn't have a good answer for this, I decided to google a quiz to find out, lol. My answer was a deer. here's why;

When you have the deer as spirit animal, you are highly sensitive and have a strong intuition. By affinity with this animal, you have the power to deal with challenges with grace. You master the art of being both determined and gentle in your approach.

The deer totem wisdom imparts those with a special connection with this animal with the ability to be vigilant, move quickly, and trust their instincts to get out the trickiest situations

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

i don't really have a favorite book, i don't read much outside of school (I wish i did)

movie: A Beautiful Mind

song: oh dear lord i cannot pick just one, but all-time favorite band of mine is Shinedown

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

a little stuffed dog that looked like Kipper from the TV show, I still have him :)

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

lmao what came to mind was when i pledged to never drink, smoke, or say bad words. two out of fucking three ain't bad i guess. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?

(honestly neither but) fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

given the asker, i would say yes :) also i am lame and my boyfriend is also my best friend 

buttercup; showers or baths?

S H O W E R S. hate baths!

butterfly; dream destination?

I've never had a huge desire to travel honestly. like sure i could say Italy or Greece look beautiful, but the actual act of traveling overseas really stresses me out lol. so i would have to say more like upper midwest, like Maine, in the fall time for all the pretty trees.

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

i am neither

calm; favorite scent?

anything fruity - pineapple, mango, berries, apples. at least in terms of what candles i like lol.

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i do not remember anything from last night - the last dream i remember involved my boyfriend, dad and i being lost up north lol

charming; have you ever been in love?

currently 

cozy; eye/hair color?

hazel / brunette 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the 1970′s for the fashion

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

love me a good succulent

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

well this last birthday was amidst quarantine, so I got some candles and granola (my boyfriend knows me well lol)

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

i have no idea? what an odd question? probably some stuffed animal?

cutsie; what makes you happy?

picnics, alone time, my boyfriend, my cat choosing to cuddle with me.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

I really cant think of a time I've ever felt truly free. maybe when i drove myself to school earlier this year & didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up? 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

as a light in others lives. happy, bubbly. things i currently am not

daylight; favorite album of all time?

gosh these dang music questions. well, Nickelback - All the Right Reasons was the first album i ever bought myself. then maybe Shinedown - The Sound of Madness (i cant pick one OKAY)

dear; zodiac sign?

Taurus 

delightful; concerts or museums?

concerts

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes? this question makes me feel old, lol. 

dobby; dream job?

criminologist. some way to be reducing the mass incarceration rate in the US. 

doll; how do you like to dress?

comfy, v necks and leggings. As i have gotten older i have slowly wanted to be more feminine i think, because i really want some sundresses for summer lol

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

one! when i was 12ish, i swear i saw a reflection of a uniformed man (like old school soldier uniform - blue blazer with gold cufflinks) behind me in the glass of my snakes tank at the time. it was weird because the only reason i even looked that way was because my snake started shaking his tail against the glass, something that corn snakes do when they are scared, but also something that in his entire life had never done unprompted ever. 

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

want yes, have no

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

100%. no way we are alone in this universe

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

he makes my days so much better :)

fairy; do you have a pet?

I have one little old kitty :)

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

to vacation, ocean. to live, mountain

forever; where do you feel time stop?

the secretary of state? lol

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

I've never owned a plant lol

garden; how many languages do you know?

one :(

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

@cy-ne-fin 

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

sepia photography/old books that have yellowed into sepia. or fresh greenery on white marble. 

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

i don't really get any anymore, but as long as they are nice or just questions/venting, im down. don't be offended if i never answer though, for some reason i never get Tumblr notifications lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

im compassionate

im empathetic (which is similar but im struggling to get to 5 lol)

im goal-oriented

im determined (once i have said goal. again, related lol) 

i guess i like my lips/lip shape

heart; silk or lace?

lace

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

tea. iced, black or green really, with sugar. 

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

bird watching because it means i am probably alone and in nature as opposed to somewhere in a crowd of people. and i wont feel creepy for watching the birds lol

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

white noise, a fan running. if that's not enough, i enjoy asmr. if i am really struggling/having anxiety, i will look up sleep stories from the headspace app on youtube (life hack to not have to pay for the app lol)

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

to be outside, i enjoy just warm enough to be comfy in pants and a t-shirt (so like 65F-ish) and sunny.To be inside, i love when it is cooler (like 50F?) and raining. I love the look, sound, and smell of rain but it is usually just inconvenient to be in. 

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

well now all days are the same for me, #quarantine, so the same thing i do every day, just about nothing, lol

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i guess laugh loudly because i am a loud person in general. i have a deep voice

kinky; do you blush easily?

i don't think so, my embarrassment turns into sweat, not blush, lmao

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

i guess being proposed to someday? but i don't have a certain dream way of it happening, just the fact that its happening is enough for me lol. id enjoy if someone (cough Elle or also maybe Michael lol) were secretly filming and/or taking photos of it? I am not sure how you'd manage that though

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

late at night when everything is quiet

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

old school three days grace (one-x album in particular)

love; what is your favorite season and why?

i always gravitate to fall for the leaves and pumpkin patches. but honestly, i think my favorite season is spring. i love the newly budding trees and flowers, the feeling of renewal, the release from the horrible Michigan winter lol, but most importantly, spring time for my whole life as of yet has always meant that school is over for the semester! as opposed to the fall when the semester starts. this is very long winded but spring final answer lol

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

I've never had a macaron and blue moon ice cream 

magic; what are five flaws you have?

ooooo boy

im short tempered/angry too much 

im unmotivated (which is confusing maybe because i said i am determined earlier. you see, once i HAVE a goal i feel determined to finish it. but i am unmotivated to create said goals, lol) 

im nonconfrontational to a fault where i always put others’ feelings before my own

i let fear of change stop me from ever taking risks/ am anxious

i am stubborn and sometimes have a hard time admitting i am wrong

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

this depends - screw pastels. warm neutrals for makeup purposes, but cool darks for aesthetic or decor purposes

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

someone who feels like home. I am not entirely sure how else to explain that. you just feel peace and content with them. 

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

something that allows you to only be with your date - so like a picnic or hike or just a walk even. my boyfriend and i liked to walk around in the fall for me to take pictures of leaves while he played pokemon go (man i miss the pokemon go summer and i have never even PLAYED it, it was just so fun to be with him while he played)

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

on youtube usually

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. if your family is toxic for whatever reason, you do not owe them your time strictly because they are family. 

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook, im not super into sweets & i want to enjoy the final product

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

normal? like its legible but its not pretty or cute

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

no:( wish i could play bass or drums

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

i don't :)

i really don't have an answer other than solving whatever is stressing me out, lol. i wish i had more mechanisms to calm me down but nothing i have tried has ever really worked

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

you know these favorites questions are hard for me lol. right now, i am loving watermelon, but i also love most fruits. kiwis! vegetable, i feel like i have to say potato lol

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

lol the last thing i read had to be some academic text, so that's boring

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

meeting Alex i guess, it changes my whole life path to have someone you want to do life with 

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

quarantine? lol

shine; art or music?

music is art.

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

i think so. Elle’s dog griffin loves me for some reason lol

smitten; do you collect anything?

not really

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

4

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

jolly ranchers 

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

nope

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

nope

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

Spongebob probably. unless we are talking like really tiny, toddler age, then Winnie the pooh

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

i live in a 2 bedroom apartment, there arent any spots. lol. my bed i guess

soothe; digital or vinyl?

i mean digital for convenience but vinyl for aesthetic 

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

i mean the only person i really actively miss ever is Alex. @cy-ne-fin sometimes, but i have also grown used to living away from each other

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyalty, honesty, & humor

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

if i must pick, practical. 

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

absolutely not. i feel like a burden with my feelings even though i shouldn't 

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

honestly not really. am on the fence still about ever having any 

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

not really

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

i am as average as they come man, nothing is unique about me lol

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

like a background friend? like i am not very social, so we do not have to talk every day to be friends. so like im here if you need me, but i enjoy alone time. 

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

the way my boyfriend looks at me, & as i was working on this my cat came to cuddle, which i gave as an answer earlier before he jumped up here :)

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owlllllll

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

the power to heal those who are hurting (including myself)

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home home home home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

not anymore, i did in high school/early college years. not I've stopped caring

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

messy? kinda in the middle really. 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

my state, sure. my city in particular is definitely pretty boring

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

I've never seen one :(

[waitinginthedarke]

It Consumes Me

A BTS/Kim Namjoon Fanfiction

Summary: The minute he laid eyes on her he knew she was the one. But love is a battle of the mind and the heart, and when the voices in your head start winning, how can your heart possibly compete with a choice that consumed you before the very start…

Type: Angst/Love

Disclaimer: This story contains strong themes. Should a chapter be potentially triggering, it will be stated beforehand. (This chapter, is simply filled with fluff, with minor reference to strong themes.)

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Chapter 4

You could feel your phone vibrating for the billionth time in your pocket as you sat in your 4th class of the day, teeth grinding as you wonder what it was that your dad could be angry about this time, wishing you hadn’t pissed him off this morning.

Nervously looking around, you take the lifeline that everyone was silently studying to catch the professor’s attention to signal that you were going to the bathroom; with a barely susceptible nod of his head, you had bolted out of the door and across the corridor to the bathroom. Your hand shook as you took your phone out of your pocket, yet the second you see the caller id on the screen, your body floods with adrenaline and without hesitation you’re pressing answer.

‘Hello?’

‘Y/N? Are you okay?’

He sounded panicked. That was odd.

‘Uh…yeah…yeah, im in the middle of class though.’

‘Oh, im sorry. I-..You-..you just hadn’t responded to my text. …and I accidentally slept in this morning, so I haven’t had time to ring you back-‘

Taking the phone away from your ear momentarily, you see the message about your missed calls he was on about, frowning in annoyance at your own lack of awareness, before holding the phone to your ear once more.

‘-Y/N?’

‘I’m so sorry, Namjoon-ah. I’ve been in classes all day and I was just so focused on studying at lunch that-‘

‘Hey, y/n…calm down, its okay. …I was just-…what did you call me for this morning? Did you need me for something?’

His voice was calm and reassuring, with only a hint of concern lingering around the edges, the sound pulling your heart into a tumult of guilt as you think back to that morning and remember exactly why you’d called him.

‘Uh, yes…no, its fine now. I just…I ended up having to walk to college cause I couldn’t get a lift from my dad and I was just really upset--…actually it was really selfish of me to call you in the first place- I’m sorry for worrying you.’ You explain, skirting around the fact that you couldn’t get the metro because you didn’t want to waste money on the fair…and that really you’d only rang him because you’d wanted the comfort the sound of his voice brought you after your argument with your dad that morning.

‘Hey! You have no reason to be sorry,…I’m just sorry I couldn’t answer the call. I would have done anything to make you feel better…’

There is a breath of silence as you both imagine the feeling of being together again, the mutual thought floating through the phone and the overwhelming emotion that came with the feeling has you grappling for the sink to steady yourself.

‘…Hey, listen- are you doing anything later?’ he asks suddenly, breaking you out of your thoughts, and you open your eyes to see the tiles of the bathroom floor swimming before you as you draw in a breath, struggling to recall your later plans.

‘I-uh…I’ve got to go study at the library-‘

‘Would you mind if I came to see you? I’ve got a bit of time after seven…and I kind of really miss you.’

The statement was so timidly… bold. If you closed your eyes you could imagine the look on his face as if he stood before you there and then...- and that was all the incentive you needed.

‘Please.’

It wasn’t the word you’d wanted to say, and you could tell it was slightly awkward by the gentle chuckle that resonates through the phone from him, but its that same noise that has your shoulders relaxing again despite the distressed butterflies cascading around your stomach.

‘I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

The excitement of having his presence before you quickly bring’s your attention back to the present moment and you remember that you had to go back to class; a sad yet anticipatory goodbye later, and you’re back in your seat with your professor side-eyeing you due to how long you’d been.

----------------

‘Hey, do you wanna go for a walk, Namjoon-hyung?’

After visiting the flower shop earlier that day during break practise and storing the bouquet he’d bought in a hidden crevice by the recycling bins at the dorm, Namjoon had gone back to rehearsal, before finishing for the day and finding himself as he did in that moment; at the desk in his room feigning interest in a song he’d been playing around with for the past few days.

He was contemplating the best way to surprise Y/n when Jungkook had peeked his head around the door to his room, the beady eyed gaze of the younger guy boring into the back of Namjoon’s head causing him to quickly change his train of thought to how he would let his friend down easily without giving anything away.

‘Not right now, Jungkook.’ He murmurs, flickering his eyes over the screen before him as he dismisses him, believing that since he technically hadn’t given any excuse at all, he wasn’t lying to him about not wanting to go out.

‘Ah…okay…’

He’d thought that would have been it, the simple dismissal usually being all it took to evade one of the other guys, but after a moment or two of silence in which the light from the door continued to spill into the room, Namjoon realized that Jungkook still wanted something.

‘Is everything okay, Kookie?’

Its only as he turns his chair slightly so that he could see his friend, that he takes note of the deep in thought look on his face, slyly sitting to attention as he does so and watching Jungkook inquisitively.

‘I…Hyung, I’m going to ask you a question, and I really hope you don’t get mad at me cause I’m just concerned.’

Well, that wasn’t what he’d been expecting.

‘O-ka…y…’ Namjoon responds, narrowing his eyes at the other guy as he watches him enter the room fully and shut the door behind him, appearing to try to compose himself before speaking.

‘Who are the flowers for?’

Oh.

Namjoon watches his friend for a moment, eyes boring into eyes as his brain works over time to search for an out to the question.

‘What flowers?’

Wow, genius, Namjoon- evade a question with another question; brilliant ide-

‘The flowers you bought at the florist earlier and hid behind the recycle bins.’

…well fuck.

He pauses for a moment, eyebrows slowly pulling in as his thoughts turn from what to say to escape this line of questioning, to why Jungkook knew all this information.

‘Jungkook…have you been following me?’

It was that question that tipped Namjoon off, or more specifically his friends reaction to it; the slightly widened eyes, the immediate glances around the room, the fiddling of his fingers as he begins to stutter.

‘ah, no. I was just-…I was just concerned, cause- well because you haven’t been yourself lately…and-‘

‘What do you mean, ‘I haven’t been myself’?’ Namjoon presses, feeling his jaw tense as anger and confusion rolls into his belly, his logical side dismissing it immediately as his friend just being concerned about him, but a small part of him continues to fight against this line of inquiry…the jealous part of him.

‘You’ve just been more distracted than usual…but more excitable too, almost hyper in practise, and yesterday and today you were just so eager to finish practise-‘

‘Is it a crime to be excited for practise to be over? You know its not my favourite thing, Jungkook-‘

‘Yeah, but Namjoon-hyung, that still doesn’t explain the flowers-‘

At that point, Namjoon had had enough; in his mind, he knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t argue with his friend, and the clock behind the younger guy’s shoulder was only counting down the minutes faster till the time he’d said he’d meet y/n, and so pushing himself to his feet he gave in with a sigh.

‘You’re that concerned? Why don’t you come and meet who they’re for. But, please…please Jungkook-ah…I need you to promise me something-‘

God, he was going to hell for this.

‘- you can’t tell the others.’

-----------------

If you were being honest with yourself, not a single word on any page that you’d read for the past three hours had entered your mind, let alone settled into your memory. It had gotten to the point that you’d put earbuds in to try and block out any external distractions, but that had in turn just left you with your thoughts, and your imagination; …his hands holding your own, stroking up your arm, fingers curling around your waist, breath hot on your neck.

You cant help the loud gasp that escapes you when you suddenly feel the weight of a palm on your forearm, snapping your eyes open and twisting your head almost to the point of whiplash, before your mind registers the face in front of you that your mind had done no justice to in its feeble imaginings. It’s a moment of watching his lips move and hearing a dull mumble as you stare at him happily, before you realize you still had your ear buds in, and instinctively you hold your fingertips up to his mouth to stop him as you quickly tear the little rubber pods from your ears and proceed to grin at him as you place them on the table next to you before lowering your hand to allow him to proceed.

But in the manner that you’d already realized was only ever going to be his, he refused to let your hand leave his lips before he pressed a soft kiss to your fingertips, a shy smile creeping out from behind your palm on his lips as he brings your hand down to hold it in his lap.

‘Hello, beautiful.’

Those two words alone were enough to send a shiver racing down your spine, stomach contracting in want as you drink in the sight and feel of him, ears practically ringing happily with the welcome tones of his voice that were the first thing they were really hearing in hours.

‘Hey.’

The squeaky, almost whispered greeting was all you could manage with the way you felt so dizzy in his presence, not paying any attention to the goofy grin that was taking over your face as your mind completely forgets about your school work in exchange for honing all senses on the angel before you.

‘My goodness, I forgot how heavenly you were. …I’m sorry for scaring you, I just had to say hello before I let you get on with your work. Actually, first-‘

The way his lips pressed so surely against your own, his scent filling your lungs and dispersing itself around your body, drags you into him without the help of his hands that automatically reach out to pull you that tiny bit closer. Your hands were already reaching up to pull lightly on the collar of his shirt by the time his palms come to rest on your hips and without a thought you find yourself sinking your teeth gently into his bottom lip, pulling a light moan from him that has you both freezing in your motions as it echoes down toward the end of the library.

‘Oops.’ He mutters against your lips, and you quickly detach your mouth to smother your giggle in his chest, the noise traversing into a hum as his arms slip around you to crush you close against him, clouding you in his warmth as his lips settle a kiss to the top of your head.

‘So what are we studying tonight?’ he murmurs, the feel of his head turning to the side so that he could peer at your textbooks pulling a pout onto your face as you sense the end of the cuddle, regretfully pulling back as you read the title to him.

‘The fragmentation of identity in modern Japan.’

‘huh…nothing too deep then?’ he comments sarcastically, winking at you when you side eye him, and you can feel your cheeks immediately heating in response.

‘Its for my literature class; we’re currently studying Murakami.’ You explain, shuffling some of the papers that you’d been writing on around your desk as you try to force your brain back into the paper you’d been writing, remembering some jumbled theory of an Oedipus complex revival that lay in the hidden depths of the writer’s words.

‘Ahh…I vaguely remember reading ‘Norwegian Wood’; a meaningful writer, but not as philosophical as some of the stories I enjoy getting lost in.’ he murmurs, the comment contradicting his motions as he begins to pull your copy of ‘Burning’ towards himself and you watch his expression sink into interest whilst his eyes glide over the page. Until that moment he’d always exuded a feeling of cool, calm, collected business man come fashionista, but you couldn’t help appreciating the scholarly air that rolled off of him as you inspected his side profile whilst he read the book; taking in the defined curve of his jaw as he clenched his teeth in concentration, the way his eyebrows drew in as he processed the movements of the characters, these little details being washed from your focus as his thumb begins to rub gently over the backs of your fingers where his hand had come to sit around yours.

‘Your hands are cold.’ he mutters off-handedly, reaching his free hand up to turn the page before absentmindedly finding your other hand and enveloping them both in his grasp, rubbing his thumbs gently in circles to create warmth, the move being so caring that you feel your chest swell happily with emotion.

You leave him for a few minutes, simply allowing him to get sucked into Murukami’s deceptively indulgent words and watching him wistfully as your mind rolls out the billions of future possibilities your life could take on if it allowed you to stay with him.

‘I’m sorry, I know I’m not meant to be distracting you, I just couldn’t help myself.’ He says guiltily when the end of the chapter suddenly blocks off his progression into the rest of the story, his sudden awareness of himself amusing you so much that you lean over to press a kiss to his shoulder before removing one of your hands from his and reaching up to save the page, closing the book promptly afterwards and drawing his attention back to you as you smile up at him.

‘Whats that face for?’ you ask him, frowning when you see the curves of his face contorting into concern and worry, and what appears to be a hint of sheepishness.

‘Well firstly, I have a surprise for you.’ He starts without hesitation, his concern turning to a cheesy grin – with a tiny hint of embarrassment- before he motions for you to stay put, climbing up from his chair swiftly and bolting off towards the stairway, leaving you looking after him puzzled. He’s barely gone for a minute before he’s re-emerging, this time with a poorly concealed array of flowers held at his back.

‘You’re aware I can see those flowers behind your back right?’ you call quietly to him, not bothering to keep your voice quite as quiet as you should after realizing that you were one of the very few people in the library that evening – save the nerdy-looking guy that always sat in the corner-nook at the other end of the bookcases, using the computers as a means to up his score in starcraft.

‘Well pretend you cant until I show you.’ He complains sweetly, the frustrated whined tone in which he reprimands you causing you to conceal your laugh behind your hand, before resuming an oblivious expression to appease him, inwardly smiling as you watch him amble toward you whilst trying to compose himself, coming to a stop at the side of your chair as his face transforms into one of distracted happiness.

‘Y/N, I’ve wanted to do this for such a long time in my life; to find someone that I can do this for, and it makes me the happiest person in the world that I’ve finally been given the chance not just to do it, but to do it for someone I already know is…and will be for a long time… irrevocably important to me. So…’

His speech alone was enough to bring a tear to your eye, but the way he crouches down to your level as he brings the bouquet into your line of sight, presenting them to you by reaching for your hand to help you gain a good hold on them and keeping his grip warmly on you, has you biting your lip to choke back the tears, looking back at him after allowing your eyes to roam the lilies and roses, and chrysanthemums, and feeling a tear roll down your cheek as you laugh at your own emotional state, pulling the flowers out of the way slightly so that you could crash your lips to his.

The robotic voice in your mind that was overly conscious of your basic instincts couldn’t help compare the moment to that morning; when your father had driven away from the house and left you crying on the door step, expression completely free of concern over the fact that he’d left you locked out with no easy way of getting to school on time other than by running as fast as possible.

The tender caress of Namjoon’s hand on your jaw as his lips moulded themselves to fit yours so exactly, like your mouths were made to kiss over and over for centuries to come, had more tears streaming from your eyes as you clutched at his neck, not wanting him to ever leave his place in that moment; not wanting time to move forwards or backwards, but to stay put in that moment forever.

‘So, you like them?’

Your need for him in that moment had you wanting to smother his words with your mouth, your fingers crawling into his hair never wanting to leave, but the voice of reason in your mind, had you pulling back the most miniscule amount so that you could greet his eyes with your own, offering him a sad, yet simultaneously ecstatic smile as you nod your head gratefully at him.

‘They’re beautiful.’ You whisper, inspecting them once more, so consumed in the gentle, yet bright colours before your eyes, that you start a little when you feel his thumb come to swipe across your cheeks, wiping away the tears you’d shed.

He doesn’t say anything when your eyes lock onto his timidly, his expression seeming thoughtful, but no questions being raised as he leans forward once more to touch one last gentle kiss to your lips, before standing up and leaving the flowers in your grasp.

Its at that point that he seems to brace himself, and you feel tension fill you in reaction, waiting for whatever he was about to bring to the table.

‘I’m glad you think so. …Okay-‘

‘Namjoon, what?-‘ you go to ask, becoming uneasy with his stalling, before getting distracted by a new figure entering the library, and you narrow your eyes slightly as a white flag raises in your mind, your distant memory recognizing him in some way.

‘I wanted to tell you before I came, but I thought it was best to give you the flowers first as that was my original plan.’ He begins to explain, appearing a little frustrated by the unfolding events, and you frown in concern as you watch the figure come to a slow stop beside him, looking almost awkwardly between the two of you, despite his gaze lingering on you a little longer, and more curiously with each glance.

You remain silent as your brain processes his words and the appearance of this new guy, eyes grazing over him inquisitively as a multitude of resolutions begin listing themselves out to you in your head, but none of them filling the slot of explanation that your mind had set up ready as to why the guy was there.

‘Y/n, this is Jungkook.’ Namjoon begins, addressing you, but keeping his gaze locked on you as he switches stances, slipping into the seat beside you once more and reaching for your hand as a content, almost happily bemused smile creeps onto his face, and he addresses the other guy.

‘Jungkook, this is her…

...this is y/n.’

(T.B.C)

[geekofmanyforms]

New Beginning

Chapter Nine

*This chapter has been edited by my Beta Casey. Thanks for the follows, reviews, and favorites. Please let me know if you think things are progressing too slowly. Im worried that everything isn't running as smoothly as I hoped. Constructive criticism is always welcome. Your feedback gives me motivation, so don't be a silent reader. I promise I don't bite...too hard;)*

I opened the door to the house just as Jeremy was heading upstairs. I tossed my bag on the couch and followed him up. Oddly enough, he made his way into Elena's room. I had thought they were on the outs, but they were talking as I walked in. I ignored whatever they were saying and threw myself on Elena's bed. I wasn't much for open displays of affection, but after the crap day I'd had to deal with, I could really use a little sibling time.

"Gah, this day sucked, Lena!" I said, throwing my head in her lap and ignoring the oomph of protest that escaped her.

I covered my face with my hands and listened to her and Jeremy's conversation.

"Is Vicki in there?" she asked, nodding her head in the direction of his room.

My eyebrows rose at the revelation. Well, well, well little Jer getting it on with naughty Vic...

"You and Vic? Wow, I hope you wrapped it, Jeremy," I said without thinking.

Elena's mouth shot open, and she grabbed her pillow and used it to pummel me in the face.

"Ewww! Ellie that's disgusting. I don't wanna hear about what our brother does with Vicki or anyone else!" she shouted.

Jeremy was laughing loudly at our little display. I pulled myself away from Elena and jumped up beside Jeremy.

"What!? It's a valid and important thing to ask. I don't wanna be an auntie yet! Plus, Vic is...experienced. I just wanna make sure he is being safe," I tossed the nearby pillow at her face, then looked at Jeremy with a fixed expression. "So, you are being smart, right, Jer?"

He tried to hide the red shade the was beginning to cover his face without success. He put his hands over his eyes with a grumble. I laughed at his embarrassment and pulled his hands away, revealing his cherry red features.

"Ya know Jer, they say if you're too embarrassed to discuss sex than you're too young to be having it." I joked.

He pulled away from me and threw himself on Elena's window seat with a huff.

"We are being careful, El, and I know all about her past — it doesn't bother me," he said, indignantly

I sat back down beside Elena and laid back in her lap, shrugging.

"Okay then, that's all I wanted to know,"

Elena ran her fingers through my hair as we were all quiet for a moment.

"God, isn't it weird how adult our conversations have become? I can remember when we were all fighting over each other's toys. Where did the time go?" Elena asked.

Jeremy and I looked at her, our faces overcast with memories.

"We grew up, Lena. I miss our childhood as well but try to remember that we get to experience new things now. Like college, marriage, children," Jeremy said. "there is still so much to come,"

I quickly wiped the tears from my face as I imagined their lives. It was a sad and beautiful thought. I only wished I could be there to share it all with them.

"Ugh, enough of the heavy stuff. Now, how about we discuss why Lena is a pouty potato?" I said in a sing-song voice.

Elena smacked my forehead and sighed deeply. "I'm miserable," she said petulantly, her bottom lip sticking out a bit.

"Aww, poor little Lena. What happened?" I asked playfully.

I was hoping to lighten the mood because I knew exactly what was wrong with her. Stefan was still continuing to hide everything from her. She continued to play with my hair and looked down at me with a sullen expression.

"Stefan and I had a fight,"

My thoughts were confirmed. My eyes shifted to Jeremy, who had been tapping his foot impatiently. I could tell there was something he was hiding.

"Well, you should go get something to eat," he said.

I gave him a quizzical look as I slipped off of Elena's lap. I grabbed her hand and pulled her off the bed.

"Jeremy is right. I'm pretty sure I saw some strawberry ice cream in the freezer," I said.

I pushed her out the door and down the stairs. When I made to follow her into the kitchen, Jeremy grabbed my wrist and held me back. He put his finger against his lips and smiled at me. We waited in the living room, and I understood why as soon as Elena said Stefan's name. Jeremy pulled me back toward the stairs.

"He is gonna fix her dinner as an apology. He asked me if I'd help lure her downstairs," he said.

I shook my head and bit my bottom lip as we headed back up the stairs. "I really wanted that ice cream," I said, longingly.

Jeremy's laugh was all I heard as I pouted all the way into my room.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, eyeing my purple and black two-piece with a hateful glare. Why had I allowed myself to be talked into this stupid car wash? I wasn't even a cheerleader! I pulled at the top trying, in vain, to cover more of my cleavage. I felt incredibly exposed. My suit was just an average two-piece, apart from the black jewel placed conveniently between my breasts, but I still felt like I was basically naked. I mean, I could remember the days when a woman would be called a whore for revealing her legs, and here I was now, leaving very little to the imagination.

Damn Caroline and her shopping addiction. I should have known she had ulterior motives for offering to buy me a swimsuit. I gave the suit one last spiteful glare before throwing on my purple shorts and a tank top. Gods, this is gonna be so humiliating...

I grabbed my matching purple flower-shaped sunglasses and hooked them onto my shirt. I quickly braided my hair and sprayed on some sunscreen before headed downstairs. Elena and Bonnie had left five minutes ago, so according to 'Caroline Standard Time,' I was running late.

I yelled my goodbyes to Jenna, who was still somewhere in the house and made my way to my car. I hopped inside and winced as my skin met the hot leather. I turned the air on full blast and switched the radio on.

I was already nodding my head to the beat of the music as I pulled out of the drive. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel, singing along to the music when a black blur sped past my window. I screamed and tried to keep from swerving when I noticed a crow flying towards the windshield.

At the last minute, it changed direction and once again flew past my window. My breathing was rapid and substantial as I tried to calm myself down. My mind raced frantically when I realized that the crow had been much more than a bird. It was Damon.

I turned into the school parking lot and parked my car. I leaned into the steering wheel and let a few tears escape. He was calling for me, but what could I do? He was dangerous and explosive — he would be out for revenge, and that would lead to so much unnecessary loss. I heard a loud whistle and wiped my face before looking out my windshield to see Caroline. She threw up her hands and ushered for me to get out of the car. I waved and took a deep breath as I climbed out. I locked my car and ran over to Caroline, who was talking to a small group of people all wearing their own suits of torture.

"No friend discounts. No freebies. No pay-ya-laters. We are not running a charity here," Caroline barked, her hands on her hips, "No, we are not,"

I stood next to Elena and Bonnie, both smiling at Caroline in exasperation.

"No, we are not," Elena whispered, with barely restrained laughter.

I kept my mouth closed; too many thoughts stole any amusement I could have felt at Caroline's forceful attitude. Caroline looked down at her clipboard and began barking orders. I looked over to see Stefan heading towards us and sidestepped away from him. I wasn't ready to talk to him yet. My guilt was still too thick. I wasn't sure what he would do if he knew Damon was calling out to me. Luckily I was distracted by the hurricane that was Caroline Forbes.

"The event is called Sexy Suds, ya know. Why are you still dressed?" she asked.

I looked down at my shorts and tank top with a sigh and pulled my shirt off over my head. As I was slipping off my shorts, I could see Elena and Stefan kissing off to the side. I almost tripped in a mild shock. It was so strange seeing them kiss. All I could see was Katherine, which confused me because oddly enough, I never saw Katherine when I looked at Elena...until now.

"Okay, put your clothes in your bag and head over to Bonnie and Matt. You'll be pairing off with Matt while Bon works with Tiki and Tyler," Caroline ordered.

I looked away from the little public display of affection that had me baffled and moved over to Matt. I could see Matt was feeling just as sick by Elena and Stefan's presentation as I was.

"Uh-uh, no. None of that tortured pining stuff," Bonnie told him.

I couldn't help but smile at this.

"I'm just observing," Matt said.

I patted his shoulder as I passed him. I put my clothes in my bag and laid it on the ground next to Bonnie's stuff.

"Okay, let's get soapy," I said, earning a laugh from Matt.

I grabbed a sponge and began washing the red car in front of me. I ignored the stares I was getting from the guy we were washing the car for. I jumped slightly when the grey figure of Rebekah appeared beside him. She was looking him over with disgust on her face.

"God, look at this guy, Ellie — as if he'd ever have a shot with you. Ugh, he is disgusting!" she said aghast.

I bit back my retort, knowing how crazy I would look just carrying on a discussion with an invisible person. I continued to wash the windows trying to avoid the water Matt was flinging at me.

"Ya know, I have a few brothers that would love to meet you. One in particular," Rebekah said to the man who was now greedily staring at my ass.

I stood and adjusted my suit in embarrassment. Matt noticed my unease and grabbed the bucket of water that sat between us. He caught the eye of Tyler, who was standing behind the guy. They both tossed their buckets of water at the creep. Rebekah jumped out of the way, even though she didn't need to, just as the water hit him. He screamed in surprise and started to chase Matt and Tyler around the car. They were both laughing and shooting me smiles. I giggled along with Bonnie, who had used her powers to splash a rude Tiki after she had started whining about us mistreating the customers. Our fun was quickly ruined when Caroline stomped towards us in a blonde storm of fury.

"What are you guys doing?" she yelled.

We all looked at one another, all speaking at once. Caroline grabbed the creep by his ear and pulled him towards his car.

"Get outta here," she said.

The guy flipped her off and jumped into his still soapy car and sped off.

"Elena is out of towels and those shimmy things," Caroline told me pointedly.

I nodded sheepishly, "I'll go get some," I said, smiling back at Matt and Tyler.

They saluted me as I walked away and towards the school. The cold air greeted me and sent a shiver down my spine as I entered the empty halls. The eeriness of it all made me jump when my shoes squeaked on the freshly waxed floor. I kept my head down and tried to ignore the weird feeling that walking through the halls at school in my bikini gave me. I could honestly say it was an experience I never wanted to repeat. Finally, I reached the supply closet. I made to open the door when a shadow at the other end of the hall made me stop.

"Hello? Care?" I said, squeezing my eyes shut in annoyance.

I was the dumb girl at the beginning of every scary movie ever. I grabbed the handle of the door and pulled it open — I was not getting killed today. I grabbed what I needed and kicked the door closed behind me. I quickly headed back the way I came when I heard a familiar, pleading voice behind me.

Dammit.

Slowly I turned around to see a flickering version of Damon.

"Elandra. Elandra, help me. Help me,"

I stomped my foot down in anger when the image flickered again and disappeared. He was totally gonna make me regret this. I dropped the towels and ran outside to my car.

I sped towards the Boarding House, slamming my hands on the wheel repeatedly.

"Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!" I yelled with every hit.

What the hell was I doing? He was going to hurt people! Yet, I couldn't turn around, not after hearing his voice call to me. He was still my Damon and was once my best friend, and I would be damned if I left him to mummify and suffer.

I wasn't the kind of person to leave him like this — It was almost like another curse. I trusted and saved people until I had nothing left to give. Angry tears filled my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I would just have to deal with whatever this caused. I could bury the guilt — I had too.

My tires squealed as I sped into their drive. I had to hurry; I wasn't sure how long Stefan would be gone.

Stefan, Gods he was gonna hate me.

I shook my head forcefully, I didn't have time for depressing thoughts. I entered the house quickly and scanned my surroundings for Zach. Luckily I found him on the couch asleep. I quietly stepped beside him and touched his head, causing him to fall into a deeper sleep — I didn't want him to get hurt. I would hate to be the reason the Salvatore bloodline was lost.

"Elandra, please," Damon said, his voice lilting through the air almost seductively.

I ran to the cellar door and carefully took the narrow steps one at a time. I finally made it to the door and looked in through the tiny window.

"You called?" I said sarcastically.

His eyes were lifeless, and his face was a sickly pale color. He licked his dry, cracked lips, and I could see his hunger. I felt pity surge in me, and I started to unbolt the door. I stopped and looked him over again.

"Don't kill me, Damon," I said.

His blue eyes cleared for a brief moment as he took in my words.

His weak face turned grave, " I would never hurt you, Elandra," he said, his voice dry.

The corner of my mouth lifted in a sad smile, "Now we both know that's not true, Damon," I whispered.

He turned away from me and started to fall, his strength giving out. I swung the door open and lowered myself down next to him, only just then noticing I hadn't changed from my bikini. I shifted slightly and felt the rush of blood in my neck and face. I sat on my knees and lifted his heavy head onto my shoulder.

"Damon, Damon! I'm gonna need you to drink, okay," I said.

His eyes were closed, and breathing was erratic. I looked around in panic. My gaze landed on a jagged stone by my foot, and I grabbed it in determination. I held the cold stone in my shaky hand and took a deep breath.

"Okay. Okay, I can do this," I whispered.

I took the sharper end of the stone and laid it against my neck, I dug it into my skin and let out a rush of air through my teeth. I could feel blood trickling down my throat as I tossed the rock behind me. Grabbing Damon's head, I laid his lips against my neck. I let out a relieved laugh as he started to lick the blood from my skin. I kept my eyes on the wall in front of me when he began to hold his own weight. A jab of pain told me he had finally inserted his fangs into the small gash I had made. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close as he drank my life's blood. The hand I had on his shoulder started to falter as I grew weaker — he was taking to much.

"Damon," I murmured, barely able to keep myself awake.

Slowly he pulled away, allowing me to see his vampiric face. It was frighteningly beautiful. In my weakened state, my mind was having trouble processing what was happening, but I was almost certain he let out a pained moan when I ran my fingers across the black veins under his eyes. My eyelids fluttered closed, and my hand dropped from his face.

"El, stay with me. Here, drink," Damon rushed out.

I could feel his wrist on my lips, and I parted them as best I could as the salty, coppery taste of his blood filled my mouth. I gagged and tried to spit it out, but he kept my head still and bent down to my ear, "You have to swallow it, sweetie. I took too much, and you're weak," he mumbled in my ear.

My mind caught up finally, and I allowed myself to accept his blood. I instantly felt better and let him help me sit up. I ran my hand across my mouth and wiped the red liquid from the lips. I looked up at his nervous face and couldn't help but grin at him.

"Well, that was something," I said.

He chuckled and stood up in front of me, offering his hand.

"Thank you for helping me, El," he said.

I brushed off the dirt from my legs.

"But, you didn't have to dress so...provocatively," he slyly said, obviously knowing how uncomfortable I felt.

I slapped his arm and growled, less than menacingly, at him. A noise from above drew our attention to the fact that we were not alone.

"That's Zach. Please don't hurt him, Damon. He is still your family, please," I begged him, taking hold of his arm.

He pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head.

"Okay, as long as he doesn't try anything, I will let him live. But, Stefan is gonna pay, El," he said menacingly.

I looked up at his face the pale grey look was gone. He was back to his annoyingly beautiful self.

"Just leave Elena out of it," I said.

He kissed my head again, lingering for a brief moment before, with a rush of air, he was gone. I looked around at the dark and empty cellar with dread filling me. Things were about to go to hell.

[ybcomplicated]

Soft Songs

The ache was too much sometimes. It throbs in my chest like a hammer on my rib-cage, an angry thrust against my lungs to the beat of some Billie Eillish song, and a weight on my throat making it impossible to breath. But somehow i still feel the smoke filling my lungs and fogging up my brain. The sting in soft pink tissue deep beneath the skin keeping me together. 

My body floats in an endless sea of tears that won't fall because i wont allow them too. It comforting in a way. The sting in my eyes out weighs the ache in my chest. Its a slow simple ting now against the sweater over my torso. The sweater that reminds me too much of how I’m alone at this moment. The Anti-Social Social-Club. 

What a joke. Being antisocial was a choice people make. To not be around others either because you can't handle it or because you don't want to. It's not sitting alone in your car without anyone to call you and check in. It's not the inability to go anywhere with anyone because you don't want to be doing it alone. It's not being alone because you have no other choice. 

Loneliness may be what causes the ache. Or at least part of it. Definitely not all of it, This ache I’ve had for years, it just intensified more so in these recent months I guess.  It’s all a little foggy these days. Days intertwine and hours seem to fade like scars. Not completely gone, but enough to not really remember them.

“What the actual fuck?” a voice cuts into my musing. It is slightly muffled but catches my attention all the same.

I look out the window slowly and lift my drooping eyelids enough to see my sister standing outside the door with her hand on her hips and face like a disappointed mother. My mother probably wouldn't be disappointed. Just sad.

I roll down the window letting smoke seep out towards the grey sky, the rain stopping for this one moment of confrontation, as if it can't fathom falling on the all powerful and great Abby, “Hey, sis.”

Abby looks looks me over while I rest my head on the back of my seat and stared at her through the haze of fog in my brain, “Siyera…. Why didn't you call me? You promised to call next time you felt like this.”

I stare at her without responding and she sighs before walking to the passenger door and getting in. Her face showing her distaste for the smell in the car. I unconsciously move to grab an incense and light it up with my little pink lighter. I roll down her window as well and let the music and smoke flow out the car windows quietly. 

Now it was some Ed sherran song that was somehow on my playlist but I don’t remember putting it there. I look at my phone and see im listening to some random playlist and remembered that I didn't make this one.

“‘TikTok Soft songs’’? A little soft for your usual taste isn't it?” Abby tries to joke softly and I shrug putting out the joint in my ashtray. I stared out the window and didn't pay attention to her. The voice was a soft muffle in the fog in my head. Barely making it through any better than she was out my window.

“Do you think that when I die, people will actually go through my stuff? Or will Wayne just leave my room alone? Keep it like a space lost in time, collecting dust and never being used again? Or will he just pack up my shit and pretend i was never there?” I ask quietly.

Abby watches my face as if to find something and I caught her eye. Brown on brown. So different but the same. Mine red and hers a clear white to match her white tank top. Abby was always the pretty one. She was a nice 5’6”, she had a nice build and perky breasts. Legs for days and large lips that didn’t belong anywhere but a beautiful black woman. Yet somehow they were put on this white lady. And to top it off she was a crazy person who didn't give a shit if people saw her. She was a catch.

“I-,” She paused trying to collect her thoughts. I could see the cogs in her brain turning through her eyes, “I hope that it's not for a long while, and it's your kids looking through your stuff. Trying to decide what they want to take and what they should give away. I know that's what you would want. Your stuff to be given to a thrift store so someone else can love it the way you have.”

I laugh bitterly at her, “Right, Pipe dream, babe.”

“Siyera, why are you here? You could have gone to a park or the parking lot of a Walmart, or Lissa’s. Yet you are getting high in the parking lot of my School. You know that you could get arrested? And then id have to explain to Wayne and mom and dad why you were there with weed!” She says gesturing to Dave in the center console of my mustang. 

I sigh and look up at the roof of my car. The back seemed to suck me in, “I wasn’t planning on smoking Abbs. It just happened. Alex hit me up as I was on my way here to talk to you instead and it-”

My throat closed up and Abby looked at me with sad eyes. I hated that look. The pity in her gaze. The disappointed tone in her voice. The uncomfortable stature of her person as she sees me breakdown next to her, unsure if she should hug me or get out of the car. 

I wish she would just leave. I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. The last time anyone saw me like this was two years ago at one of my old jobs. This time it wasn't so bad but it was close. It's’ more sadness than panic this time.

It’s like a wave washing over me, pulling he under the current, unable to come back up. Breath gone and head high with lack of oxygen. Maybe I shouldn't have smoked. Maybe I should lay down? Maybe I should go home and sleep it off.

Abby sighs with tears in her eyes that she won't let fall as i fall apart in my car. The rain had started up again and it matched me. Heh, Aesthetic. I feel like in floating, like I'm watching everything happen from the outside. I watch as Abby goes out into the rain, I feel a bit disappointed at the rain making the perfect curls of her hair flat and stick to her face as she gets me out of my car and into her apartment. She gets me in the door somehow and sits me down at the table.

I'm not processing anything. I'm not really think about anything either, though I guess that's not true. I'm thinking about how im not thinking about anything. I start to giggle and Abby comes back in with sweatpants and a shirt that she puts in my hands and pushes me towards the bathroom.

“Change and then come back. You are staying here tonight, I’ll message Wayne so he knows and doesn't freak out. I won't tell him about this, I promise,” She must have seen the panic on my face at the thought of Wayne finding out about my relapse. I don't need him to know! He will just be disappointed and I only want one person disappointed in me at this moment. I don't think I'd be able to handle more.

I change and make my way into the living room and make myself comfortable on her second hand couch she got from our grandmother. It was an ugly thing, with a faded flower pattern that still faintly smells of cat piss. I found a pack of smokes that were hidden in my sweatshirt pocket and lit one up. I breathed it in and held it before letting it out to the air, to be dissolved in the air that the ceiling fan made. 

“How many times do I have to tell you not in the house?” Abby says sitting next to me and looking disapproving at the cigarette. I hold eye contact as i take another drag.

“And how many times have I listened?” I say letting the smoke seep through my words.

“You are disgusting,” She said with a slight teasing tone.

“It’s what you love about me,” I say with a smirk and she laughs.

The ache is still there but it’s not so bad now.

[jyelynnn]

☁️☁️☁️

1.if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? Be Quiet and Drive by Deftones

2.have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? Hmmm.... Not exactly...

3.three songs that you connect with right now. 

Stand Still by Sabrina Claudio, Go! by M83 and Lose Myself by K?D

4.would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? honestly thooo lol

5.have you taken someones virginity? Hell No.

6.how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

7.if you could, would you take back your last kiss? No :)

8.who would you like to see in concert? Deftones

9.what was the last concert you saw? Incubus

10.would you ever want to swim with sharks? Honestly, I love sea life. I would!

11.do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? Yes, Growth is beautiful

12.what was the last thing that made you laugh? Myself lol

13.a song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex? Anything by Slayer

14.have any pets? Yessss. A husky, A Blue Pitbull, 4 Butterfly Koi fish and im looking a leopard geckos.

15.do you want to have kids? How many? Fuck no. Not now!

16.do you have piercings? How many? I have 9

17.do you miss anyone from your past? Fuck No. They were all trashed for a reason.

18.what are you craving right now? Apple Pie :)

19.have you ever broken someone’s heart? Yes, Not on purpose.

20.have you ever been cheated on? YES. A LOT.

21.have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? NO.

22.do you believe in true love? Yes <3

23.favourite weather? Rainy!!!!

24.do you like the snow? Yes!

25.do you wanna get married? Oh hell yes!!!

26.is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? It’s the best thing ever!

27.what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? You don’t want to know lol

28.go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! There is no sound in space

29.what’s your favorite pasta dish? Cajun Chicken and Shrimp Pasta. havent had it in years tho.

30.what color do you really want to dye your hair? Honey brown... 

31.what’s your favorite eye color? Brown or Green

32.talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. Any Tokidoki bag I have.

33.are you a morning person? Fuck No.

34. what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I loved going to haunted places but I don’t think thats weird

35.what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? My black converse lol

36.what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love all socks! especially the big fuzzy ones :)

37.tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. The only crazy stories i have after 3AM are either about ghost hunting, the beach or in the mountains... or in LA. and they are all probably illegal as fuck or evidence lol

38.do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I hate coffee so no.

39.who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? awww! My best friend Chubbs! 

40.what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I was a fearless child! It was only when I graduated high school I started to fear things.

41.do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? I miss it so much. I miss the broken cases, thick ass CD cases and random disk all over my room lol

42.think of a person. what song do you associate with them? .... AHHH!! Anxiety!!!!

43.what are your favorite memes of the year so far All of them lol I laugh at stupid shit lol

44.do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I love poetry, Any spoken word by Jordan from La Dispute

45.what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? No gift is stupid. I appreciate all gifts and I don’t give halfass gifts

46.what are some of your worst habits? Holding back... Being lazy.. Being shy

47.describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. AHHHHH!!! ANXIETY!!! lol

48.tell us about your pets! They are all adorable, fun and loud as fuck... even the fish :)

49.is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? Sleeping lol I have work in like 6 hours lol

50.are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? dontgiveafuckclub

51.what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? My bro bought me flowers for my 30th birthday :) 

52.describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. ......... Didn’t I tell you i have anxiety? lol

53.what’s some of your favorite album art? Deftones!

54.are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Yes! but i’d like to keep them a secret. They are big ones ive been drawing for  years

55.do you like concept albums? which ones? sigh...

56.what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? ...... The hot chick :)

57.list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

58.if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

Dayyyummmm... Thats a good one.. I’d probably go into the future :) I’m excited for my future because everything has been so amazing. The past is done and i dont want to go back and make shit worse.

59.what do you do when you’re sad? Eat lol

60.what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? listen to music, Play Video games

61.what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? Any night by the beach :)

62.who is the last person you told a secret to? Chubbs!

63.what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? Rejection Is God’s Protection

64.what’s your favorite food? Sushi

65.what’s your secret dream? It’s a secret ;)

66.three songs you were recently obsessed with. 

Too Young by Post Malone, Metropolis by logic, Telegraph Ave by Childish Gambino

67.three songs that remind you of the person who sends this one

68. three favourite old songs 

Be Quiet and Drive by Deftones, Youve Seen The Butcher by Deftones, I Wanna Be Adored by Stoned Roses

69.three last songs you listened to 

Everything is Wrong by Interpol, Slow Down by Louis The Child, Able To See Me by Hippie Sabotage

70.worst possible time to get horny. uhhh.. I dont know

71.have you ever had a friends with benefits? Yea, not worth it.

72.do you believe in soulmates? Yes :)

73.Is there anyone you would die for? No.

74.whowas the last person you cried in front of? I honestly don’t remember.

75.do you give out second chances too easily? TOO EASY.

76.is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive.

77.is this year the best year of your life? Nah, It wasn’t bad though

78.do you have trust issues? Yes. not proud of it but just being honest.

79.who/what was your last dream about? Aliens like always :)

80.would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes... If I could go back knowing what I know now, I’d swerve on like 95% of the people I used to know and not give up on my art career.

[itswhay]

you are going to hate me but... 1-100 :>

lmAo okay... 

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

Cereal 

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

yes actually 

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

shoe laces and ripped paper 

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

sweet as fuck 

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

I never smile w my teeth so I guess 

6: do you keep plants?

I gave a lil succ named John Stamos 

7: do you name your plants?

^^^^^

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

Photography ? I guess I also write on a p blog everyday 

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

yeah ig

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

side 

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?

you wouldn’t get it 

12: what's your favorite planet?

Saturn 

13: what's something that made you smile today?

This girl said my outfit was cute 

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

cozy 

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

All of space is completely silent 

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?

probs anything w cheese and tomatoes and ground beef 

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

I dont lmao #beentheredonethatoverit

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

Nothing im perfect lmaooooooooo 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

yeeeeeee and none ya fckn biz... but like for real I write about my day in detail and how im currently feeling about people bc I forget things really easily and I want to remember my life ????? 

20: what's your favorite eye color?

i don have one all y’alls eyes are beaut

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

I have like this embroidery elephant bag that got at a festival when I first moved to colorado 

22: are you a morning person?

lmao no 

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

I like to sit on the back porch on the couch and drink coffee and nap 

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

yes @ daron 

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?

my own house damnnn gurrlll willldddd

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

currently pink hightop converses but the shoes I had for the longest time was a pair of purple low tops 

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?

PoLaR iCe 

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunrise 

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

lmao ummmmm Nicole holds your hand when you sit near her 

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

lmao yea 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

I nEVer sleep in socks. But like socks are sick, never only wear white socks 

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

lots of things that if im being honest i dont feel like reminiscing about rn bc im tired  

33: what's your fave pastry?

muffins 

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

I had this GiaNT mouse I mean lik e it was huge 

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

I love... I write letters and postcards to people 

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?

Probs Elvis like always 

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

I like it clean but usually it messy

38: tell us about your pet peeves?

People hiding things, acting like a different person than who they are, being a bad friend bc you want to seem cool to someone else 

39: what color do you wear the most?

Pink and Black prob

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?

yeah boi The longest amethyst pendant I wear my grandma gave me, the shorter one my mom gave me. I used to have this moon necklace I would wear literally everyday and was very important to me but I lost it at a show and Im still sad about it  

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?

Joel Grey’s book 

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

Mutiny !!! its really sick and there mochas are so good and they have good heckin shows (also im obvi a starbucks bitch so...) 

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

myself bitch I tell the moon to protect my loved ones every nite 

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

On the beach in Savannah like pls take me back  

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

100%

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back. -I think it would be truly alarming. 

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

Ketchup 

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

Needles and yea 

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

Cds uhhhh last was probs placebo 

50: what's an odd thing you collect?

Musiclas on VHS 

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

person not named -- song: hold on to me placebo 

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

the blinky guy

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

lmao yea they good 

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

I heard it in there voice too and it was last week and It hurts to see someone so sad 

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?

well i can say that I did not join the frisbee team to prove a point 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

lmao being nice and happy at least some of the time passionate about things and seeks to be happy and fulfilled 

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

yeah but also that song makes me sad 

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

Im both fuck me up 

59: what's your favorite myth?

my love life *that weird drum sound thng when some1 makes a joke* 

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

yeah 

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?

to tired to answer this 

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

orange 

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

leave em be 

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

dark 

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?

yeah I was supposed to see zack but then it fell through so that should happen soon 

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

d a i s i e s 

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

I like it 

68: what's winter like where you live?

bad gross cold snow 

69: what are your favorite board games?

clue 

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

nah son dont fuck w that shit 

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?

rasberry 

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?

yea 

73: what are some of your worst habits?

got lots of them 

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

They are small short fuckn nerd but 

75: tell us about your pets!

I l o v e them 

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?

sleeping > 

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

pink 

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

I hate those yeloow bitches 

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

ew

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

theres like this giant mountain mural... mountians... just mean,,,, so... much to me, lmao no we rent  

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

pine tree w golden light shining through 

82: are/were you good in school?

this semester im doing pretty good 

83: what's some of your favorite album art?

lmao idfk 

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

yea a tcb in new mexico 

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

yea wonder women ones like the old ones 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

?????

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

Boy meets girl (my heart ) and girl happy 

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

im s o tired im sorru 

89: are you close to your parents?

yea 

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Savannah 

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

lots of places actually 

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

drowns 

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?

short and out of the way 

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

Carla

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

work and I have a thing on sunday 

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

i ignore them 

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

idr aquarius im slytherin  

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

yes i did 

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

nooooooo 

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

neither thats a horrible question live life in the present and understand that each day is different and you should just enjoy what you can of them :)))

you right i do kinda hate u but its ok 

[myheartislookingforyoualways]

03.23.2021

Dear G,

I came home and took my laptop to bed tonight with me . I’m lying down here in the bed with my grey blanket under my chin and I’m looking out of the window that we both used to look out of writing to you. I’ve been taking my laptop to bed for a few days now . I like to think of you and write to you in the bed that we used to share together before I fall asleep . I always hope that I dream of you . I hope again tonight that I dream of you. I’m so beside myself right now , I miss you so much and I just want to hear your voice and I want to reach out to you so bad right now . I’m just going to be completely honest with you right now I am feeling so broken and beaten.  I just wish that you were here and I could rest my head on your chest just under your neck like I always do and grab your panna cotta. I wish you could play with my hair and I could close my eyes and listen to your heartbeat. I’m so very sad right now and am crying thinking of you so far away from me. So far away from me and us in so many ways. The most I can do is just type this out slowly. Anything more and I just don’t have the strength to fight the tightness in my body as I try to physically feel this pain that i feel. It is so palpable and real right now. I just want to come home. I’ve been feeling homeless all day long. I feel homeless without you . That’s not an exaggeration. I’ve been going through this time of our lives now for a month now without seeing your beautiful face, hearing your sweet voice and holding your perfect little hands. I am writhing right now thinking about it. I wish I could just jump on a plane to where you are right now and find you and lay down at your feet and kiss them and beg you and ask if I can come back home. All I can do right now is just write to you so that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve spent the past month slowly trying to fix this place, keep it clean, take care of the plants, fold the laundry, put your clothes away that you left behind, buy the food that you would eat if you were here, keep the bathroom clean, vacuum and sweep, make the bed that used to be ours. I’ve done it all telling myself that I will feel better when I do this and it will hurt less to be here. I tell myself that taking care of the place is what will be good for my self care and sobriety. It is of course. Every day i do these things but everyday it doesn’t change the aching I have from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep.  Truth is, I still see you here. I still hear you hear. I still hear your voice saying bb when I come home, I still see you in bed when I’m making myself breakfast through the open door to our bedroom, I still see you in the toilet peeing when Im in the washroom, I still see your little bluetooth speaker with all the lights, I can still smell your used panties, I still see your little vans and every little you drop whenever you come, I still see you on the couch binging a TV show, I still close my eyes at night and leave your side of the bed for you. I still hope you through that door back into my lilfe. I just miss you so much It feels like your still here but your not. And I feel homeless and you feel you lost. I just want to come home. I just want to come home to us. I just want you. I just want us. I just need us. 

Today was a rest day. I slept in late again dreaming of you. I just cannot get you out of my thoughts even when I sleep. Not that I want to. I want it all. If i can’t have you here with me in my life I want you in my dreams and my thoughts. I pick my kids up from school now but I had some time before I did that. I choose to get up, shower, brush my teeth, make a quick yoghurt and cereal breakfast like I always do. Naked of course. Then i just wanted to leave. I took myself for a walk. Thought I would go back to HP. Took my kids there yesterday. It was nice for them and for me. My son had been asking so they had fun. I thought a lot about them yesterday. While they were playing on the new playground it just dawned on me that there are only so many more times that they will want to play on a playground carefree and young. It was bittersweet. Today I walked around the park with those same thoughts. My thoughts wandered to you and to us of course like they always do. I passed the bench where I took pictures with you. The one that still on your VSCO. I looked at by myself and I saw you there in your red puffer and your glasses on looking beautiful.  I thought about that. I can’t bear to think of there only be a certain amount of memories that we’ll have together. I can’t bear that thought G. I can’t. I don’t want to. I can’t. I won’t. There’s so much that I always wanted. I just cannot imagine never talking to you again, my best friend. I cannot imagine going through life knowing that you are somewhere and I’m not there with you, beside you, sharing with you life. That thought just stayed with me I guess for the rest of the day. I kept walking. I watched dogs. Every lilttle dog I saw I thought of Princesita, the dog I always wanted for us. I thought of the dream of coming home to you and Princesita, giving you kiss, hugging you, petting Princesita and going to bed with you and her. I walked past the hill where we had that one picnic one time and saw all the couples there living their lives together. I saw couples holding hands, kissing, people sharing themselves with each other and being happy. I was sad at the thought that that could have been us today. It could have. But I’m here and you’re. I’m homeless and your lost. I want to come home so. I want to bring my heart home to you. I want to find me and find you and hold your hand all the way back home to our love. 

I got back to my car and I started driving. I just wanted to do something for you. I didn’t know what i could do. I saw a flower shop and I pulled over and bought you flowers. Yellow ones. Ones that I know you would like. I bought them and brought them home. One the elevator ride upstairs a kid, a teenager, was in the elavator with me. He asked me if they were for someone special. I said yes. He got off and said have a good day. The door closed and I teared up for the rest of the way. I got back in and I carefully cut them and arranged them in the vase then put them where I always would for you when i used to bring you flowers. I loved buying you flowers. No occasion necessary I just loved buying you flowers. Period. I wanted to always have flowers for you every single day. I cannot imagine never ever giving you another bouquet of flowers for no other reason that I love you. I bought you flowers today and you don’t even know I did. But that doesn’t matter because I know in my heart they’re for you and my heart is for and always will be for you. They look nice in the spot where they go. I just wish that I could give them to you. If I ever see you again my love, and I hope with all my heart that I do, i am going to buy you the biggest of flowers you will ever get for the rest of your life. I don’t care how heavy, how much, or how extra it is. I will simply be overjoyed at the possibility of being able to give you another bouquet. I would love to give you flowers endlessly. Endlessy.

After i picked my kids up from school, i started working. I’ve told myself endlessly that I wouldn’t check your Tumblr Twitter and VSCO more than once a day to be able to focus on me. To be honest its so that I don’t break down at the sight of something that makes me ache and hurt and writhe in pain. It’s happened before in the past month. Its physically painful seeing things that makes me hurt. I know that its just me doing it to myself. I know that I don’t have to look but you know me, I always do. I’ve limited myself thought to give my heart and my mind ease throughout the day. In the past few weeks I’ve broken that though . For whatever reason, but most times the reason is just that I miss you so much G that anything even a shred, even a morsel of you is something that I live off of. It’s like I’m dying of dehydration and every little post is just a few more drops of you, just a few more drops to keep me going. I also know that you don’t really post for me and its just my interpretation of what you’re posting for yourself and for your own thoughts. But then another knows that you know that I see you doing what you and that does have an impact on me every single, whatever I read, whatever I see. I just miss you so much I’ll take anything. I’m grateful you left your Twitter, Tumblr and VSCO open. No matter the pain or hurt it causes me I still am thankful that you allow me a little glimpse of you, a little ray of light into my life; that light being you. I also know that you probably do see my Spotify and my VSCO. I’m sure you do. Well I don’t really know but I hope you do because its the only way that I can talk to you now. Like actually get a thought to you. Anyway, in a song, in a picture, in a VSCO gallery post. Anything. Anything I can take other than directly emailing or even calling you. So many many many many times i’ve just stared at your iMessage chat. I’ve just held my hand over the keyboard. I’ve repinned your chat. I just like that picture of us. I also don’t want to go through the day without some sort connection to you even if its just in my mind and my heart. I messaged you on WhatApp today for the first time in awhile. I know I’m still blocked by the lack of your beautiful avatar. I don’t know I just want to talk to you so bad. Reach out to you. That time last week that you FT audio me, accidentally probably because you hung up right away, I went on to FT for days and just kept my finger over the phone icon. As soon as your new playlist en espanol I was all over it. I translated it all. I added to own playlist. I just want you so bad. I want us so bad. Anything that makes me feel a little bit closer, even if its just a song, makes me feel just a little bit better. 

Tonight I saw your gallery post in VSCO of the writer that we both post now. I was working. I broke down. I writhed. I tensed my muscles. I pulled over. I screamed for you. I cried for you. I begged you. All in my car by myself. I tried to carry. I got a uber order. I read it again. I screamed some more. I cried some more.  I begged you some more. My muscles are sore now from writhing. I want all this experiences with you, my heart will never change, even if yours has, I will always want us and you. I talked myself through it. I screamed myself through it. I cried myself through it. I found my resolve to stay on my path that I need to be on. I told myself again and again and again I am not giving up in me. I’m not giving up on us.  I’m not giving up on a life with love and with you. I will do whatever it takes however long it takes to get back to you and to get back to us. Even if it is futile in the end it doesn’t matter, I know how life could have been with us and with you and how life can again. I told myself over and over and over and over again. All the way through the rest of the night until my timer went and it was time for me to go home. I really just cannot ever imagine being without you and not being in your life G. I just can’t and I won’t and that won’t change. I steadied myself as I got home took a deep breath, did my affirmations and then cuddled up in bed. I wrote to my kids first. I do that now too. Writing is actually really good for me. I always said I would write to them and give it them when they’re both 25. I started doing it and it feels good. Then I read Starsight a bit more. I’m going to finish it soon and then I’m going to read Crooked Kingdom. Then I started writing to you. 

I know that when the time comes I will email you. I will send you all my writings like i always said I would. Good bad whatever I’m just going to. I don’t know if you’ll read them. I don’t think about that. I just think of all things I would want to say to you every single day since you’ve been gone. I also don’t know where we’re going, if you do want to give us another chance, if our hearts and paths come back together again. You already know I want this more than anything else. I hope, dream and yearn for it. I can’t imagine not ever seeing you again, I can’t imagine not giving you flowers again, I can’t imagine anything really without you again. I just can’t G. That’s why your VSCO gallery post made me breakdown. Then after while I was writing this i looked at your playlist and you added Cayendo. Tonight you did. While I was out there thinking about you calling your name out there driving around homeless looking for your lost heart. Looking for my resolve. I haven’t found your heart yet. I found my resolve though. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I can’t go to sleep at night because I think about you. Usually I play music. But not tonight. Tonight its just me, this Tumblr, and my thoughts. My heart. Your heart. My heart is yours. I have my resolve. I’m not giving up on me. On you. On us. Ever. Tomorrow is brand new day my love. Tomorrow can be eight days until I email you and with every bit of strenght and positive that I pull myself through; it will be. It will be . I know that much. Anything else I don’t really know beyond my hopes and my own heart. I will take it easy tomorrow on my heart though. I’m not going to look at your Tumblr, Twitter and VSCO for a full day. No matter what. I’m going to get to this last week. Seven days. I’m going to get that moment when I’m not just writing here but writing you an email. That much I know. Beyond that I don’t know much. I do know that you are the love of my life though. 

I’m going to sleep now. I’m not tired. I’m wide awake. My mind just races thinking about you. But I need to sleep so I will .

I love you G

With all my heart 

I always will

Forever and Day 

[lavieenor-blog]

I wrote this and someone suggested I post it here so BOOM into the pits of tumblr.

ninety six corolla

 i dont hit snooze anymore.

i am awake at least an hour before the alarm goes off. i have never had a quiet mind. it races with want and worry all night until dawn when i am inevitably give up and decide to officially be awake. stretch, move hair out of my face, listen to my hearbeat. i take a deep breath, check the time, and then begin to concentrate on the steps.

step 1 is getting out of bed. put your feet on the ground, stand up. go. make yourself move. Â you have to get out of bed. you do not have a choice. well, you do have a choice but you have to make the right choice.

getting out of bed was never hard until one day it was hard. jobless, hungover, no appetite, sick of it all. why face the day. or the next. or any day. getting out of bed became a herculean task. so this step is important, it is the first goal that puts you on the path to other goals. touch the day.

 i get up.

step 2 is hygiene. take a shower, brush your teeth, comb your hair. this also, as hard as it is to understand, is something that can be incredibly overwhelming when the night before you stared at bottle of luksosawa and some vicodin a lover brought over because he naively thought he was helping you calm down, and you thought to yourself “no one is going to care.” and then you did it, you tried anyway and still woke up and you suck at that too so why bother combing your hair? step two has become my favorite. 45 minute showers, shelves and shelves of scented soap shaped like seashells and imprinted was sexy names -lavender, amber mist, green valley, crabtree and evelyn.

 i am going to always smell fucking good.

eating breakfast is the next step. i grab an orange and a cigarette. the irony is not lost on me. today, i am josephine baker.

the memories seep back during traffic. red lights, stop and go, mind-numbing talk radio. too easy. too much time to think.

i did not know i was depressed in the clinical way. i just thought my time was done. it was a good life. i had been fearless all through-out my 20’s and whatever had suddenly attacked my brain also came with a steady whisper in my head, day in and day out. it was over. my depression was not a fade to black, with slow dances towards cut wrists and sad songs playlists. i did not write letters. i did not plan my funeral, i did not reveal my state of mind. my depression was giving up and wasting away and disappearing. my depression was changing my number for no real reason. my depression was a $100 sweater with the tags still on it, that i was once coveted, suddenly becoming my dogs blanket, with the tags still on it. my depression was will & grace marathons with white wine out of a box on tuesday mornings. my depression was not eating until i almost passed out then ordering $200 dollars of chinese delivery to hold me over until next time. my depression was, come over, leave by 2 a.m.. i was reckless with money and men, i wanted it all gone. the plan was when the money ran out, so would i. the men would disappear on their own.

step 3 is call your family and let them know you are still alive. make sure you eat your lunch.

step 4, when the day gets long and you start to question everything, step 4 reminds you to dream. think about what makes you happy. create a goal.

i picture a roast chicken with lemon, rice pilaf, a salad, a mexican serving dish, green red white ceramic dishwasher friendly, antique silverware, guests at a table, candle light. a game of cards. josephine baker. if i allow myself to be generous with dreams it might stretch to a daughter in ballet class, a son in soccer. or vice versa. continuing. a night with my handsome, who’s face is always clouded (i do not know how to fill this part in), at the opera in an evening gown. we go to dinner afterwards and waltz in the street in the rain. im just following the steps.

time to go home.

here is where it gets the hardest.

steps 5 and 6 are more guidance to make sure you stay on track. make sure to eat again. do something to occupy your time. read a good book. get a hobby. please do this.

but those hours when you are supposed to stay awake, when you are supposed to watch sitcoms and laugh and unwind, those are the hardest hours. when you are counting down minutes until sleep just so tomorrow you can do it again, the steps again (what is life without the steps?) that is when you ask yourself what is the fucking point?

i read chapter 3 of Beloved. Anything dead coming back to life hurts.

i never did get the chance to run out. at my lowest point i wouldn’t even drive a my car. anxiety played a part but dealing with that involves different steps. (hint: breathe). Â my old faithful toyota corolla. it represented freedom, it was memory wrapped in metal, wanderlust on wheels. sorry for being wordsmith indulgent. i could no longer get behind the wheel, i no longer saw possibility on the road, in big cities, in small towns, in life in general. 

most people do not know that a corolla by definition is the petals of a flower.

i no longer had the will to give the car the life it gave to me. i let it wilt in the driveway and by neglect i let it die.

the fantasy involved a long drive into the woods and a hose extended from the exhaust to the window, safe inside of the petals, curled up like a sick, twisted adult ann geddes photo shoot. i’ve always been a dramatic romantic. my depression would not let me move, make this lovely quiet end happen. even death  was a burden. i was too depressed to try. had someone handed me a gun though, i know for a fact i would not still be here, doing the steps.

i cannot say when the turning point came but it was slow to come. my brain got tired and my body started to rebel. my hair was falling out. my belts, barely a size 26, no longer fit. mostly, defiantly, i was tired of the hospitals i ended up in whenever someone came to check on me. contrary to popular belief, doctors are not nice to people with issues.  i did not want another moment of having to drink a sprite out of a plastic cup because staff was concerned about the rough edges of a can. i hated being told what to do, and worse i hated being punished for refusing to do what i was told to do. the independence was starting to overcome the demon. it was time to try.  i gave in i took the help. i took the therapy, i took the pills, i took 30 days in the mountains.

step 7 asks you to look back at your day and what you accomplished.

 i used to journal the highs and lows of everyday but as i got better, i started to forget that task. it has become an anything book. 30 pages of self-congratulatory statements turned into random phone numbers, drawings of floorplans, a shrimp recipe “3 tablespoons curry, 1 stick butter, hdfl grn beans, a moth wing delicately saved in a small plastic bag and stapled to the back cover. these are highs and lows of a different sort. a patchwork of scribbles so i dont ask what is the fucking point?

the point is josephine baker singing REVES.

when it is time for the evening to be done, when i have successfully kept myself busy, when i can get into the bed and say goodnight to the moon knowing that in the morning i can feel the sun, when i survived another day, i did it, take that depression!, this is when, and only when i can forget about the steps.

step 8: sleep.

[suzacat]

Kodee,

Please read this to the end.

Engineering majors spend anywhere from 20-40 hours per week studying and the time commitment is so huge compared to now. I knew this was going to be an issue, but I really liked Kodee and didn't want to let him go. However, I think it would've gotten to the point where I would've spent my time with him instead of studying and thus my academics would decline. I know he would be okay with the lower amounts of time spent together, but I REALLY want that time, but with family obligations on top of that, I feel like there would almost be no time for him. Eventually I would give something up, and i know that would've been my academics. It just hurts the heart, but my degree has to AND IS the #1 priority.

and if i didn’t end up telling my mom and we went through what we originally planned? it would’ve went south so fast. she ended up calling me after the surgery and we talked for 90 years and she ended up video chatting with me and wanted to see the dog. Overall, Kodee was right. i should’ve just been honest with my mom and allow him to meet everyone. but even then, i could see the end of our relationship because of the time constraints on my end. it’s why i talked to him about changing my major from humanities to engineering and how our time would become less and less. but i already knew down the line when it came to it, i couldn’t do it. talking to Kodee is like a drug and i could never stop. i wouldn’t get enough sleep and eventually i know i would neglect my studies, but i can’t do that. i have to put school first.

I honestly hope he’s able to find a woman whose better than me in every way and makes him smile, even in the most saddest moments in life. I want him to find happiness and someone who enhances his life in such a way that it makes him wonder where they’ve been all this life. I want him to follow any and all of his dreams, whether its working in nature, pursuing sociology, or even traveling the world with only a car and what he has on his back. I want Kodee to know that I feel so awful about this and for continuously hurting him in the end, which is why I can’t send this to him myself.

Kodee, thank you so much for everything. Thank you for the endless smiles, to the point where my cheeks hurt. Thank you for letting me share my days with you, whether it’s running into glass walls, figuring out how to open the gas tank, getting an A on my calculus test and actually hanging it on my mini fridge, laughing together after hearing my mom laugh in the background, listening to my dog bark when my brother’s friend came over, putting up with me getting side tracked by my TV when questionable things happen on there, laughing when i tried to eat an orange, helping me play league via screen sharing, listening to me tell you nerdy things like what 3 lines mean or about energy transferring, or helping me come up with silly titles for my mythology posts, and so much more. Thank you for the endless conversations, and im so sorry we never got to the lists we made. Just…thank you. Thank you for opening up to me and allowing me to get to know you. I loved listening to your stories (whether you thought they were “good” or not) and hearing your thoughts on an issue.

Since the last time I left, I can’t help but think of you everywhere I look. I see a milkshake machine and shake my head because I’m thinking it doesn’t work and it’ll make my milkshake like ice-cream. I can’t look at trees the same anymore because I’m wondering which are the best to climb. I can’t look at nature or flowers the same because I’m thinking that if you were here, you’d take a picture of them and I know how much you love nature. I can’t look at the stars the same, because we were going to watch them on the phone together. I can’t walk in the store the same when im sad, because we both know money doesn’t bring happiness. I can’t think of math the same, because I know how much math used to be your thing. I can’t sing songs the same because I remember singing all of them to you with my whale-like singing, especially country and you telling me how you think its “my thing”. I can’t even smell perfumes because im wondering which you would like the most. I can’t look at puppies the same because I know how much you want one.

but this is why i have to leave. i would pick you over my schooling. and even if you made a compromise with little to no time with me, I couldn’t handle it. I can’t handle not giving you the time you deserve. I can’t handle thinking I can only talk to you maybe once every other night because i would fall asleep after eating dinner. i can’t imagine not going out on dates because all my life is is studying, breathing, and sleeping.

Thank you for fighting so hard, but I officially want you to rest now. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’m so sorry for bothering you, but this is the last time unless our paths cross again. I wish you all the happiness this world has to offer. You’re truly the best Kodee, and any woman who gets to date you is so hecking lucky. Smile, my dude, it looks more beautiful on you than me.  

[salosion]

Ranting with Meaning Takes you Places Often Feening With Truth Creativity & Feeling. #Crazy #Artistic #Confessional ? #Everything #I #Ever #Make #Is #Deep #Beautiful #Meaningful #And #Creativley #Intelectual #Take #The #Time #SomeTIme #to #Devour #My #Delectables #Just #Get #On #My #Level

I just wanna be myself and play my tounge and strings and songs and penetrating the feelings you get be down down there the tickles they are found to glory up the care that's found up in the air with God and all his hair he's never care to show cause it's just bare and beautiful and full of glow that we can't understand so our 🎁 we must compose back to the swifts of ribbon & twists that give God the gift that's His because ours is beyond benevolent Godly Kindly astoundingly irrelvient to all that is true cause technically all that is true must be. I think #We shouldn't technically really #exist at all but we wobblin' & #Jiggling round ducking fucking do don't that tell you something like #life too good to be true doesn't that sing thy words thy poets like yours truly sings in swing beyond the furthest lies that bound & uptain inside sling slung around vibrating all around the 🔊you sound&are swirled mixed all round' but if YOU & your sound & are then just bound & free you'll be able to fly, found, free to use that energy beyond the limits seemingly bound beyond the space YOUR'E living in extraordinary bomb of bursting Love and euphoria all above sprinkling all its #jizz jello #juzz #jelly #jello bust the juice n' freak our drank make it a plus, If i don't get buzzed I'll take it to heart and feel ashamed, I got this thing where I'm not insane I'm just really damn fuckin dope & gifted yes one may say so fuck the shifted haters and jealouses Like the 👑 I am Ill live by my heart ruling my hand, like the king I am you are aswell, and like the kind you are the queen you spell, We're ALL the same we are. We're all just diffrent beautiful #royalty from God just diffrent but thats the most beautiful part, the diffrences and chances to be fucking YOU and YOU can be ANYBODY. We the kings and stars we arleady ares, like YOURS truly your fucking king, me motherfucker, yes, me. The one you ignore are tad but don't think to think or feel or sinf, oh well you think it makes you thin, it does Love; you just ignore out of lazy or crazy brinks that connect the truth to the creativity that blooms the poofs of the blossoms that garden noon at eden every so ofte I know my shit can danceI know wmy heart is gold I know im a little to stand up in your face I know Im a little to gold and rad and eccletic and loud and dope but really im just expressing myself, Its Love and shades and writings of waves and energy of sound poetry or poetic chaotic creative grace out of Lifes vagina we ALL emerged to relate to the life we perceive togetehr.

Feelings incinerate the NOW on now I guess I Feel like im bubbling in tea, and I like tea but I just wish you liked me, because you do, you did before you knew, and when you did you fell in true casue im as genuine as they do, too damn crazy to give a fuck this is true but I ain't no fool, and I Ain't no tool, just an artist crafting poetic musical meaningful genius creative diffrent never before existed artistc art, musically, photographically, poetically, philosophically, I brew the delights of life till my heart it finds and overflows the light thats got our purpose in tight, my purpose in flight is my LOVING SOUND that means hella too soooo much to me to be honest too much to be around, theyre all gifts I worked like hounds, profound, profound, profound, Salo you're too deep and fucking profound, don t loose em now, too deep its down there swimming by the sea of that dreams tend to splash too deep to be found but then again its nothing cause nothing is what makes & fills the deepest spaces and nothing is what wieghs the unlimited weightfulness, Im sorry im a loon I love it though, to goon, you see Life is a cartoon don't unfriend your friend you knew know and Love to whole because I Love you too see my soul it splashes splurs of wisdom and music and meaning and Life thank you ALL for everything, God and all of My friends and finds and family delight, I Love you and me just wish youd put the fight that I had to conceive to birth the genius sights of sounds invisble rounds crowning all of our hearts, okay im crazy, no im not, your just lazy, im just hot, on fire, spliffing out my fishing thoughts, put the baight and then I caught YOU atealst I hope but I dont know where to stop its the improviser in me that can go on till it starts the next phase of life the one the poets try to talk, but ill just leave us as here like a fallen penny, on the crackled sidewalk street, on the road with choatic wisdom waste of time hell no, never, see you always grow even if it seems irrelivent this and everything that happens for a reason happens with its flow and magical treason that allows us to live inside a world we call our own, Come on you must admit it's quite intruiging to go through outs and then the ins like the coaster & the spins you be on soon,be a brother be a flower be a sister be a power be a lover be a friend be a homie give some shit a chance I know my shits dope and please God I'll go far and evolve furtehr whether it be in the non existent time frame of this seemingly non existent farm frames time, but regardless of the fact ofcourse I will cause you me we YOU are a star, sprinkling your concious heart to the world, like me in extreme cause im an artists and a feen so take the 🎁 I give to you to me to thee to whom ever by Love to perceive and take a chance on the sweeteness that rides with me and all of my musical making friends and brothers n' leauge of superhero musicians beautiful Godly GLORY Lovely SONIC HORNY power #SOUND I just want to be myself truthfully I am myself I just want to be myself and play my music out and sounds and have folks listen to it cause I grind it like my souls out see my songs are hard beauitful work that means alot, poetic an dhols alot of meaning and weight in its creativty, hatch an egg and raise a chicken, maybey one day your rooster will be unicorn, but aside from the tangents I know see I trust my feelings hella I know I'm dope as fuck, like fire rocket stellar works splashing color exploding rocks in thy sky, I know im fucking dope I know im fucking fly, I know your fucking dope I know your fucking livee, I know your fucking beauitful, I know your insides they have a heart just like mine and its beautiful to me how you and we can combine, and create and activate the higher gates by making Love and art and great praise of our Lord and One and ONly God, just Love the levitate, Im dope, we dope, we know you know I know don't need no conformation I laugh at the silent joke cause im the greatest along side the homies who are great greatness beyond understatments but no need to boast I'm just the spot that spots the pop on the G that busrtingly orgasmically explodes with conffetti between thy legs like a pinata because the music was exposed with crazy horny passionate deep Love, Im not crazy Im just talented, well maybey crazy but like the best type of crazy that comes from the talents and goes from the Love and the I REALLY DON'T GIVE A FUCKS. See im damn creative and I dont give a fuck who knows I just like to have fun get high and create the flows that flow our Lifes to deeper corners of profounded interconnected delight, sorry if im a fright im just Love and will ignite the power inside the Light swear to God you watch and slide, cause theres always a spot for you every single one of you crazy lights, like my crazy lights that light my sound to your delight deep down give it a try and the chance your chance will Love and thank you for what YOU & I came here for, for the everything happens for a reaosn and now your here, so clearly you came here for a purpose, Love you homie, like you dig me, and if your still here, I appreacite your intelligent core, and asbtract understadning of artistic glore sought when your soul feels empty and mine is not just full of this empty pack with profound space, sonic space, poetic space, higher dimensional inuitive intellectual space & more cause #Love really is the door that opened up above to let us live and get it right and live free under the suns weighted delight that God ignited out of Love and freewill won , I just wanna be myself and play my guitar and tounge and strings and makeout with myself and my songs and my rhythms while bassing teh penetrating feelings you get down down there the tickles they are found to glory up the care that's found up in the air with God and all his beautify and Glory that we can't understand so our gifts we must compose back to The Man our God, throuh art expression prayer kindness and Love swifts up the ribbons twists for the gifts you must preapre live by and give to YOUR God and Creator, the gift that's His because ours is beyond benevolent Godly Kindly astoundingly irrelvient to all that is true cause technically all that is true must be nothing, that is everything that is everything and nothing again so profound try to bound and uptain inside a sling vibrating all around the sound you sound and are mixed with all around but if you try to sing the sounds and are bound and free you'll be found to use that energy that is pure Love joy and expression, expression, expression beyond the limits seemingly defended bound beyond the space YOU'RE living in, extraordinary bombs of bursting Love and euphoria all above sprinkling all its juzz #jizz jello jelly jello & #fuzz the juice freak my drank make it a plus if I don't get buzzed Ima be sad, ima be hella sad cause that was mean anfd if you were kind and had a heart and you really knew me and were a friend you'd Love to make me happy and get me high up to my bench in teh clouds where I Love to praise God you should too don't be a pussy, it's cool as fuck, liek how stupid can one be to not acknolwdge a greater force life techiniclsly shoudlnt be our existence is a miracle and force unexplainable and techinically shouldnt be at all, but we are so pray and praise and acknolwdge YOUR God don't you see it's cool as shit to praise up the Lord, dont you want to manifest and get to the roads that will lead us to existences unimaginably concieved but yet teh possibilty is there and its all up to you to unimaginably concieve just be a brother, listen to my hearts creative sounds, stop being a pansy I knbow im annoying but I clearly dont give a fuck apologise for bombarding but I Love ya'll just as much, this is just too uch fun teh art, and teh discoveries of Life, this is just too much fun the poetry and the music that takes flight this is just too much fun thee deepness that my heart sinks the times I play guitar and write the songs I craft to birth, I'm not insane I'm just really gifted so take the gifts of my insane cause honestly no one else would ever insist it, I give to you, you give to me to thee to whom ever by Love to percieve and take a chance on the sweeteness that rides with me and all of my musical making friends and brother and leauge of musicianful beautiful artisticly Godly GLORY Lovely HORNY Sonic Power Sound.

Listen to thy music bretherin, hidden gems, of God & Wisdom and Love and Mind Expanding Feelings all over my creativness.

Love Ya'll Too,

Salo Sion Thy Dopest Loon

(P.S.I Don't Fucking Now;P)