#the only right answers are dr. pepper and root beer but I wanna see what yall think

[milfweirdal]

Way back when I was just a little bitty bwoy, livin' in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place. Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuust PEACHY! Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning, my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. D'ohhhh, BIG BOWL OF SAUERKRAUT! EVERY SINGLE MORNIN'! It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said "Hey, mom! What's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother. She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train, and she leaned right down next to me, and she said... (deep breath) "IT'S GOOD FOR YOOOUUU!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old! That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh-so-fluffy! Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! (inhale) WOCKA WOCKA DOO DOO YEAH! well let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true, because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize! That's right, a first class one-way ticket - tooo Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time, the flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore, and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!!......Except for me~ You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up! And my seat back in the full upright position, had my tray table up, And my seat back in the full upright position, had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position! Ahahahaha! Ahahaha. Hahhhhh.... So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage! I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days! ....Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel! But finally I arrived at the world famous... Albuquerque Holiday Inn! Where the towels are oh-so-fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna! It's OK, they're clean! Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C and I turned on the SpectraVision and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very-very-much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door. (BANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANGBANG) Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it~?" There's no answer! "WHO IS IT!" They're not sayin' anything! So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected: It's some big fat h***********e with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like "Tough!" And I'm like "Give it!" And he's like "Make me!" And I'm like, "'Kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation yesindeedyoubetterbelieveit (WHEEZE) And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said! It said "If you'd like to make a call~ please hang up and try again~ If you need help, hang up and then dial your oooooooperator~ If you'd like to make a call~ please hang up and try again~ If you need help, hang up and then dial your oooooooperator~" In Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest - I would not sleep for an instant - until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "Yeeeeeah, whaddaya waaaant?!" (brief but sick guitar solo) I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "Nawwww, we're outta glazed donuts!" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "Nawwww, we're outta jelly donuts!" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "Nawwww, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "NAWWWW, WE'RE OUTTA CINNAMON ROLLS!" I said "YOU GOT ANY APPLE FRITTERS?" He said "NAWWWW, WE'RE OUTTA APPLE FRITTERS!" I said "YOU GOT ANY BEAR CLAWS?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check." (slightly longer sick guitar solo) "NAAWWWW, WE'RE OUTTA BEAR CLAWS!" I said "Well, in that case.... in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels." I said "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over (HAHNGHNNAsnortHNAGHGNH) oh man, they were just going nuts! They were tearin' me apart! ....You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little something like this: D'OHHHHH!! GET EM OFF ME GET EM OFF ME! OHHHHHH! NO GET 'EM OFF GET EM OFF! OH, OH GOD, OH GOD, OHHH GET EM OFF ME, OH OHH GOD, AH AHHHH AHHHHHHH! I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. ~Her name was Zelda~. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey - you've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love! We were inseparable after that. Aww, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly! Oh, we were so very very very happy, awww yeahh. But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me... She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Whooooaaaa, hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go - In Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler! I even made Employee of the Month after I put out that grease fire out with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attiTOOD. Okay, like one time, I was out in the parking lot tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil - when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself! So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just roollllls his eyes and goes "Nooooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me! He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote... This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days! Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein! And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over, and I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming, AAAAARGH, OHHH, AAAGGGH, you know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um. ....Um. Where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought... Uh. Well, uh, okay, anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it but... I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is - I. HATE. SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours... there's still a little place... called Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Alllllllllllllllllllbuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! Albuquerque, Albuquerque! I said A (A!) L (L!) B (B!) U (U!).... QUERQUE! (QUERQUEEE!!) Albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque albuquerquealbuquerque ALLLLBUQUEEEEERQUEEEEEEEEEEE ........(laughing) (drumsolo) (belch) (final sick guitar solo)

[heroicleader2763]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs

In the corner of the basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "It's good for you"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut

Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"Who is it?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast

With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty

Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

ooc: idek How to Reply to this in character. you win anon

[homolegs]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs

In the corner of the basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "It's good for you"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut

Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"Who is it?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast

With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty

Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Source: LyricFind

I AINT READIN ALLAT 😈🙏

[grassthing]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs In the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "It's good for you" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women With excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "Who is it?" They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said

It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little something like this

Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment" So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called

Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A) "L" (L) "B" (B) "U" (U) "Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Im gonna force feed you sauerkruat for 26 years

[j-jaks]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs

In the corner of the basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "It's good for you"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut

Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly ShoreAnd, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"Who is it?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds laterI heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my faceWavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast

With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty

Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loudBesides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Uh, yes

[theatrelove3000]

Ask Me Again

Alright. This one takes a bit of explaining. I have this headcannon that in Asgard, if you are engaged and don’t get married in under a year or so, you have to propose again. I know that’s not a thing but roll with it, okay?

This was originally 2 parts when I wrote it but its faster to read all at once. It is a lot though; this one kind of got away from me... 7,151 words. Oops.

Background: Noelle and Loki were “Bound” by a witch in Alfheim after a battle they fought in. This means that the witch split each of their souls in half and one half switched places. Noelle has half of Loki’s soul and vise versa. They can feel each others emotions and hear each others thoughts.

Summary: Loki returns from a mission with serious injuries, which prompts him to ask Noelle a question and surprise her with a fairytale dream.

Warnings: Implied smut, slight issues with a father (I don’t like the term “daddy issues”), fighting kind of, more fluff than should be possible but I accomplished somehow, swearing I think? I did base a part of this on scenes from Criminal Minds and How I Met Your Mother. There is also a crossover in characters from Scrubs because I love Dr. Cox.

Ask Me Again

Noelle PoV: 

"Are you ever going to take that off?"

"Fuck off, Stark. Let me wear my cape in peace!" I say as I walk into the kitchen, said cape flowing around me. 

Loki is laughing at the exchange. Of course he is.

He is the one that bought the cape.

It is black with a velvet collar and intricate beading accents in the lapels and down the middle of the back. The inside is lined with silver satin. The Phantom of the Opera's cape. 

Each Avenger has a floor that could easily be called a penthouse. Loki and I each had our own since we tried to keep our relationship a secret when we first joined the Avengers, but the second that Bucky started flirting with me, that plan ended. We have lived together ever since and Tony turned Loki's floor into a movie theater.

"Why are you even here Tony? Don't you have somewhere else to be? Something to blow up?" I ask him through the pass through in the kitchen.

"It already blew up. I was kicked out of the lab by Bruce. I got bored in the lounge so I figured I'd hang here." 

"Why did you believe yourself welcome?" Loki asks him, sounding annoyed, from his corner.

"I could think of many reasons but I'm going to just ignore that question because it will be answered in about..." he looks at his watch, "16 seconds. Got any food in there, Lady Darkness?"

"Not any that I'm willing to share, Iron Man."

The elevator dings and out steps the reason Tony Stark made himself welcome in my house.

"Hi, Auntie Elle! Mr. Loki, I came to see if you had the ice cream Mr. Stark told me I couldn't have anymo-" he stops as he turns the corner, his eyes finding Tony sitting on the couch.

"Hello, Pete."

Peter squeaks.

"What did I tell you about using Reindeer Games' mischievous temperament and amusement in disobeying me?"

"That if I'm going to be sneaky, to use Mr. Bucky." 

"Hey!" Loki looks put out.

"Exactly! It's too obvious if you use Rock of Ages. He is the most likely to help you keep things from me." 

"I don't agree."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stark. I just really like coffee ice cream floats made with red bull instead of root beer and Auntie Elle has both!" 

"I don't have redbull!"

"Bottom shelf, love."

"Holy shit, where did all this come from?"

I hear Tony stand up from the couch and walk towards Peter. Loki is suddenly behind me with a hand on my lower back. I turn around as Tony hands Peter a small paper bag. Peter opens it and peers inside with a look of shock before taking out a Starkbucks cup.

"I have changed the rule so you may have one caffeinated drink from Starkbucks a month. This is your one." Tony explains as Peter looks like he's about to cry. "You don't need to continue to sneak things behind my back. If you're gonna drink coffee, I'd rather you do it in the house than on the streets of New York." Pete wraps his arms around his mentor and thanks him excessively for a single drink.

"You would think he just gave him license to drink alcohol." I mutter to Loki, who snickers and wraps his arms around me.

I pull away from him and stand in the doorway. "As much as I love having this very interesting exchange occur in my living room, I have a headache. Get out!"

Loki chuckles and Peter walks toward the elevator while Tony mumbles about how he's being kicked off a floor of his own building.

They haven't even reached the elevator when the doors open and Cap comes running out.

"Loki and Tony. Suit up. You're with me on this one." 

"I wanna go!" Peter says loudly and all the adults say 'no' at the same time. He pouts and I wrap my arm around his shoulders, ushering him to the couch. Tony and Cap enter the elevator and Loki tells them he will meet them in the car. 

I follow him to the bedroom. He is in a rush and is teleporting around the room because it's faster. I sit on the end of our bed and watch him pull on his armour. He pulls the breastplate over his head and starts to tug the leather straps together.

I know he is worried for me, I can see it. He's always worried when one of us leaves suddenly. Sometimes we wake up to someone knocking on our bedroom door, telling us it's time to go. Just part of the job. 

I stand up and help him fasten the straps. He lets his hands run through my hair and slides to hold the back to my neck. I finish the clasps and he pulls me up to his lips, kissing me gently.

I pull away first, breathing heavily. "You have to go." I whisper, "We will be okay." 

"I know. You always are."

"Be safe. Come home to me, yeah?" 

"Always." And with that he leaves.

That's the last I hear from him or Tony or Steve in 6 days.

~~~~~~~~~~

*6:32 am*

The ringing of my phone cuts through my sleep like a knife. I groan and roll over to face Loki's side of the bed. Morgan was sleeping peacefully. I'm watching her while Tony is on the mission and Pepper had to make an emergency trip out of state.

I reach over to my bedside table and pick up my phone.

Steve.

"Hello?" I ask, voice groggy from sleep.

"Elle, you need to get to the hospital right now, please."

My heart stopped.

"Cap, what happened? Are you alright? Is Loki okay?"

"Noelle, take a breath. Everything will be fine. Just get here. We are at Lenox Hill."

The line goes dead.

I jump out of bed and rush to my dresser, pulling out a pair of jeans. I forget to be quiet and Morgan wakes up. 

"Auntie Elle?"

"Sorry, honey. We gotta go on a little drive. Do you want to change or go in your jammies?" I tell her, turning on the light beside the bed.

"Where are we going?"

I pull on Loki's sweatshirt and help her out of bed. "To see daddy. Let me get your jacket, okay? That's it. Up we come. Where are your shoes?"

I get her ready to go and put her one of the cars Tony allows the Avengers to use. I drive the speed limit but only because I have little Morgan in the backseat. I text Tony and Steve when we get there and pick up Morgan.

We walk through the door and a nurse came to ask what the problem was. I told her I was here to see someone. Before I could answer who, Tony moves in and takes his daughter from my shaking arms.

"She's with us. Thank you, Nurse Carla." He winks at her.

Nurse Carla smiles at him and walks away.

Tony leads me through the halls, explaining the mission.

"We were sent Upstate to find the new Hydra basecamp. Everything was going smoothly, we had almost wrapped it up when three enhanced showed up in the field. One had similar powers to Wanda and paralyzed Cap and I, but she wasn't strong enough to get her hold around Loki. He engaged on his own and was able to incapacitate them but wasn't able to come out without any injuries. His wounds were extensive but are healing rapidly, probably due to the fact that he's basically a god. He has a cracked skull, 4 broken ribs, a fractured ulna, and a massive bruise on his right leg. He will be okay but he demanded that we call you before we went home. Something about not wanting Thor to freak out. Doctor Dorian say he will be out of here by noon at the rate his wounds are healing." 

We have arrived at the room by now and stop in the doorway. There is a curtain shielding my view of Loki. I can see his boots from under it. Why the fuck is this dumbass sitting up?

He feels me. He's sitting up because he knows I'm here. He's reaching for me.

"Thanks." I mutter to Tony and walk in.

He is sitting up, waiting patiently with one hand on his thigh and the other in a sling. He has a few stitches in his forehead but the wound is healing nicely. His shirt is off and a bandage is wrapped around him over his right shoulder to under his left arm and down to the middle of his chest.

The second he sees me, he takes off the sling and throws it to the side. I don't even care right now, I know how fast he heals, but I'm more worried about getting my hands on him.

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and he buries his face in my neck, pulling me to stand between his legs.

"Hello, darling." He chuckles and I tighten my grip in a greeting.

I pull away from him to look him in the eyes, taking a small step back. I don't realize I'm crying until he brushes my tears away.

"Hey. Come now, love." His hand moves from my waist to the back of my neck and down my arm before taking my hand in his own. "No tears. It's alright, Noelle. I'm safe. It's all going to be fine." He brushes a lock of my hair behind my ear, letting his knuckles graze my cheek.

"Ask me again?" I say to him.

"What?" He mutters, looking taken aback.

"Ask me." I whisper.

His eyes light up in realization, his arm slips around my waist again. He pulls me flush against him.

"Noelle Elizabeth Tyrdottir, will you marry me?"

"Yes." I say. I hug him again and release the breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"About damn time!" He exclaims, making me laugh a little.

"There's a chapel here. Let's do it now, let's get it over with."

"Oh, gods no. I'm not dressed properly."

"I think you look damn good but alright, fine. Monday then. Put it in your calendar 'cause we have a date at the courthouse." 

He laughs, and kisses my forehead.

"Will you please lay back now? You're making me worry." 

"I'm fine, love. Really. I just ache and have a few bruises. It will be fine." 

"Yet, when I come back with a black eye and wrapped ankle, you demand that I stay in bed for 3 days. Lay down."

He grumbles under his breath about how that’s different because I am only half Asgardian. I am more mortal than he is.

"Mr. Odinson, I need you to lay back please. Does your shoulder still ache?" A doctor with crazy brown hair comes in, "Oh, hello. I'm Doctor Dorian. You must be the wife?"

"Not yet,  she's not." Loki mutters under his breath as he slides back onto the bed. I go flick his ear but he catches my hand and pulls it to his mouth, kissing my wrist.

"I see. Well as long as you are family you can stay. I assume you are an Avenger as well? I have seen you before but I'm not sure where. I have also seen what this guy can do and I hear he packs quite a swing. And also daggers. You don't have daggers on you, do you?" Loki smirks,

"I don't really want to break you two up but..." Dr. Dorian is rambling and trails off as Loki wraps his good arm around me and pulls me to sit next to him on the bed.

"You could try to take her from me. See what happens if you do." 

"You're being difficult." I tell him.

"I'm just proving a point."

"You need to relax. I'm not going anywhere."

"Damn right you aren't." He mumbles as Dr. Dorian picks up the sling that Loki flung across the room. I hold my hand out to take it since he looks nervous to come too close to Loki. He hands it to me as his pager goes off.

"I'll come back after I take care of this. Please don't strain yourself by doing something reckless." And he runs out.

I look at Loki, who is trying to hide a smile and is staring at the ceiling like there's something very interesting up there. He looks at me when I sit up and straddle him. 

I pull the sling over his head and help slip his arm into it. He holds his other hand on my hip, keeping me in my place. He lowers his head to rest on my chest. I lean my head on top of his, breathing him in. We stay like this until we hear Dr. Dorian coming back. I quickly get off Loki and settle under his arm as Dr. Dorian comes through the curtain with a pretty blonde woman following him.

"Mr. Odinson, we need one more x-ray just to see if everything is healing correctly. If so, you're free to go! Fastest broken bone patient I've ever had. Oh, this is Dr. Reed, my colleague. She didn't believe that I had a patient who healed from injuries as major as yours in a mere few hours." He turns to her as Dr. Reed reads through Loki's chart. "So, Elliot. Pay up."

"I hate you so much right now." She says as she forks over twenty bucks.

"Thaaaank you!" He waves it around for a moment before shoving it in his pocket.

"Alright, Shirley and Barbie. Out. Leave this one alone. We do not bet on patients in front of them, it's not how we do things." A tall doctor with curly, light brown hair struts in with an ear-piercing whistle. "We wait till we are in the break room."

Loki starts laughing, catching everyone's attention. "I like him!" He says to me.

I roll my eyes and lean my head back on the pillows behind me.

"Also, I can't exactly have you on the bed with him. Normally I wouldn't care but I have people from the hospital board in to watch me today. My name is Doctor Cox, I'm the head doctor and I get to be in charge of these brainiacs behind me with their mouths hanging open." Dr. Dorian and Dr. Reed both shut their mouths simultaneously. 

"I would love to get off the bed, Dr. Cox, but I'm kinda stuck. He isn't about to let me go and if I try, I'm afraid I'll make his wounds worse."

"Want me to sedate him so you can make your escape?" I laugh and Loki scowls.

"He's not of this Realm. Almost any medication you give him will burn off really quickly. I could teleport but that will just make him get up to drag me back." 

"Hmm. Well I have to take him for an x-ray and you're not allowed to go with him so I'll let you talk amongst yourselves for a minute then I am," another loud whistle and a gesture to the door with his thumbs, "takin' him." He shepherds the other two out of the room and shuts the door behind him.

I look at Loki. "You gotta let me go. The x-ray barely takes ten minutes and Dr. Dorian said you can come home after. I will wait but you have to go without me."

"This is a terrible plan. I do not have to do anything these mortals tell me to do! I am a-"

"I swear to Odin, Loki, if you say that you are a god I will jab you in the ribs."

His eyes narrow, but he complies. "I don't see why you cannot accompany me."

"Because X-rays are taken with radiation so it would potentially affect me but you need one. Just go get it taken and I'll be waiting for you."

He sighs, "Fine. If you are not here, I will come looking for you, leaving a trail of bodies behind me."

I snort. "Of course you will. Please don't get Tony sued."

He chuckles and kisses my temple. At that moment, Dr. Cox comes back and takes Loki off in a wheelchair, even though he whines and complains about being able to walk the whole time. It takes Dr. Cox and myself ten minutes to get him to shut up and sit down but once he does, it only takes fifteen minutes for them to bring him back. Dr. Cox cleared him to go but commanded that he take it easy for a few days. I help him into his shirt, and we leave.  

When we get back to the tower, Morgan attacks his legs and asks if he would watch Frozen with her again. He sighs as though it's somehow an inconvenience but agrees.

"But first, little Stark, I must go speak with your father. He has requested my presence and I'm not one to deny it to him." He smirks.

I roll my eyes and peel her off Loki's legs. "Come on, Baby Stark. We will get the movie ready and wait for Uncle Loki to get back from tormenting your daddy."

"Torment? Noelle, darling, do you think so little of me?" 

"I do when you're in this mood." 

"What mood?" He asks, eyes glinting with mischief.

"You know what I'm talking about. Go play with Tony, I will take this little monster and we will wait to watch the movie. I know how much you love it." 

He rolls his eyes and walks off towards Tony's office. When he comes back, they watch Frozen and then colour in her new colouring book while I take down Christmas decorations.

Around dinner time, Peter arrives with pizza and Loki just attacks it.

"Thank the Norns you bought more than one." I whisper to him as we watch Loki finish the first one on his own. I whack his hand as he reaches for a piece of mine and Morgan's pizza. He glares at me and takes some of Peter's.

At about 5:15, Nat comes marching in, "Okay! Odinson and Tyrdottir, get out! Go to your apartment and don't come out. I assume you have the necessities for surviving through the night?"

Loki's eyes light up and he jumps up, grabs my hand, and pretty much runs to the elevator.

We stay in our room the rest of the night.

~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up to something tickling my ear. I wave at it to make it stop but it soon returns. I slowly realize as I grow more conscious that the tickling is my fiancè's lips moving down my ear, jaw, and neck. I lean back into him as he kisses my cheek.

"Good morning, love." He says, voice thick with sleep. Norns, I love that voice.

"Good morning." I whisper back and turn over to face him. I slide my arms around his neck and lean my forehead against his. He kisses my head, then my nose, then my lips. His movements are slow, probably because he just woke up and hasn't had any coffee.

"You had to think of coffee." He sighs as his right arm, which was around my waist, flops back. The right one had the fractured ulna but the X-ray said it was healed almost completely. It still aches but not much.

"You had to say it out loud? Now I need some." I counter and he smiles a little. I rest my head on my hand that's propped up by my elbow and look down at him. They took the stitches out before we left but he still has a small mark from where the cut was. I press my lips to the wound and he closes his eyes. I kiss down to his cheekbones and whisper in his ear, "You know what goes good with coffee?"

"Hmm?"

"Donuts." His eyes snap open. He stands up as fast as his injuries would allow and starts putting clothes on. I laugh and pick up his discarded shirt from the floor. Slipping it over my head, I grab a pair of leggings then tie the shirt up around my belly button.

Loki drags me out of the tower the second I finish tying my shoes. We walk to the donut shop just down the street hand in hand. He told me about the mission, I talked about what I did while he was gone. Basically we just catch up.

While we sit in the shop, eating our delectably decadent donuts, my phone buzzes. It's Tony.

"What is it?" Loki asks as he takes another bite.

"It's Tony. He wants to know if we are free later. He's having a little dinner party at the tower."

"I haven't got any plans. Do you?"

"You are supposed to be taking it easy."

"Look, I'm fine!" He raises his arms above his head to prove his point. "I beg of you, my angel, Noelle. Do not keep me cooped up all day."

He's so dramatic. "I guess if you're feeling better, we can go for a little while."

"Lovely." He smiles at me and pops a donut hole in his mouth.

I text Tony to tell him we will be there. The second I hit send, I start to think about it. "Wait a minute. Loki, you hate parties. Why the sudden urge to go?"

His face turns to stone and I can't read his emotions. Great. "Perhaps I just want to eat all of the Man of Iron's food. And to play with the little ones. I do like children, Noelle."

"You're avoiding the question." Then it hits me, "Does this have something to do with what you and Stark talked about yesterday?"

"I haven't a clue what you are talking about."

"Don't lie to me, I can always tell. You may be the God of Mischief and Lies but I know you better than the one who gave you that title."

"I gave myself part of that title."

"My point exactly." I pause, looking into his eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"

He sighs, looking at his food, then back at me. "Trust that it's a good thing and there is nothing to worry about. You will understand in time." His eyes are pleading. I believe him.

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"What time are we to be there?"

"Ask Stark, it is his party."

I laugh and text Tony as Loki stands up, holding my jacket out to me so I can slide my arms in. We walk back to the tower.

*5:45 pm*

"Alright, I'm ready. Are you good, Loki?"

"Yes." He comes around the corner and I see him in the mirror. He's in a green button up with black dress pants. No tie, jacket over his arm. "You look divine, darling." He takes three long strides and is behind me, hands on my hips.

"Thank you. It isn't too fancy is it?" I glance down at my purple dress. It is made of satin and has silver embellishments at the hem, stopping just above my knee.

"It's lovely. Let's go." He takes my hand and practically drags me out the door.

The elevator doors open as we reach Tony and Pepper's private duplex apartment. It is decorated with fairy lights across the ceiling and the balcony. There are tables decorated with white cloth and light purple flowers in pale green box vases. The white chairs have gold bows on the backs. Pep and Tony approach us as we walk in.

"Damn, Pep. You really know how to throw a party!"

"Well, when you work for this lunatic for 15 years, you tend to learn how to be a good event planner."

"I'd be offended but she would be correct." Tony drapes his arm around her shoulders and kisses her cheek. He then turns to Loki with a pointed look, "She is always right."

I laugh and Pepper smacks Tony's arm.

"Hey, gorgeous. You ready?" Nat struts over to me in her form-fitting black dress and red stilettos. She has a garment bag hanging over her shoulder. I cock an eyebrow at her and turn to Loki, who is crouching down to talk to Morgan.

"Ready for what?"

"I heard a little whisper about a courthouse wedding and I am not having that." Tony is grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm sorry, run that by me again? Are you telling me that this is my wedding?"

"And this is your wedding dress, now let's go!" Nat starts pulling my hand and Pep loops her arm through mine. I look back at Loki who is smirking at me. I suddenly get giddy and pretty much run up the stairs to Pepper and Tony's bedroom where the ladies help me get into the dress and work on my hair.

Loki clearly had a hand in the dress pick. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he made it while in Tony's office yesterday. It's almost a Midgardian take on an Asgardian wedding dress. It has a lace bodice, v-neck with thin beaded straps on my shoulders and flowy fabric off the shoulder. The rest of the skirt is flowy and light and reminds me of my dresses on Asgard.

Pepper hands me a black box tied with green and gold ribbon. Loki's name is in gold lettering in the corner. I cock an eyebrow at them- both women having a huge grin on their faces- and open the box. Nestled into the green silk is a gold circlet tiara with Asgardian crystal encrusted leaves and emerald droplets. I start to tear up, realizing what he is giving me. He's making me his queen.

Pepper curls my hair, pinning parts of it up and settles the crown into the curls. They decide that my makeup is good enough as it was from when I did it for the party and they announce that I'm ready.

We walk down the stairs and all the Avengers are there, quite the accomplishment actually. Loki stands next to Bucky at the front of the room, Thor standing just behind him looking like he's about to burst into tears. As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I see Tony waiting for me.

He smiles at me, offering me his arm. "How you feeling, hot stuff?

"Honestly, way more than I thought I would. I'm a little bit overwhelmed." I joke and take his arm.

He laughs and walks me down to Loki, who is just grinning like an idiot. Wanda stands on the other side of him. I reach him and Tony kisses my cheek before going to sit with his wife and daughter. Loki pulls my hands into his own. Bucky starts talking.

"Thank you all for coming. For those of you that don't know me," We all look at him, Loki snickers, "I'm not the biggest believer in real happy endings. But this isn't a therapy session. And you two are so great together, ya know?" He makes a noise and I glance at him. His eyes are slightly watery. He clears his throat and continues.  "It's like you were..." he sniffs, "made for each other."

"He's gonna cry." Wanda says with a smile.

"No, I'm not!" Buck automatically answers. Then from the back of the room, Steve starts playing his guitar. "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!"

I grin at Loki. This is perfect. Bucky clears his throat again, "Noelle and Loki, when everyone sees you, they see true love." He pauses, "it's the best love." He rattles out, voice cracking. "Can we just, um, the rings or something?" He's trying not to cry. I want to hug my best friend, my best man, right there, the big baby.

Thor and Nat get out the rings and we take them from them. I look at Loki's ring. It's a black band with purple patterns carved in. "I don't know what to say." I whisper to him.

"All my thoughts are all jumbled, I'm not sure what to say either." He mutters back.

"You don't need vows, brother. Just say why you love each other!" Thor suggests.

"I'll go first." He takes my left hand in his, sliding the ring on. I take a moment to admire it. It is gold but doesn't connect like a normal ring. Instead it has two green emeralds on the ends. It looks like it's a vine wrapping around my finger. I start to get a little bit teary. "Noelle, darling. There are a million reasons why I love you. You make me laugh, you take care of me when I fall ill. You're sweet and caring and you make me pastries the way my mother used to when I was upset." I breathe out a laugh, "But the main reason I love you, Noelle, is you brighten my life, which was at one time a never ending black hole. You saved me, and most of all, you love me." I'm beaming at his words. His eyes are misty from the raw emotion he feels. He never thought he would get this moment.

"My turn." I say as I slip his ring on his own hand, "Loki, I love you because you're funny and you make me feel loved. You make me feel safe. You bought me a necklace for my first ball that has protected me ever since." I raise my hand to touch the necklace; I never take it off. "But the real reason I love you, Loki Odinson, is you make me happy. You make me more happy than you could possibly imagine."

My lover grins widely, letting a tear fall from his eye. I reach up to brush it away.

"LokidoyoutakeNoelletobeyourwifetohaveandtoholdfromthisdayforward-"

"Slow down, Buck."

"I can't! Foraslongasyoubothshalllive?"

"I do." I didn't know it was possible for my love to grow with just two simple words.

"NoelledoyoutskeLokitohaveandtoholdfromthisdayforwardforaslongasyoubothshalllive?"

"I do."

"Okay then!" He clears his throat one more time, "By the power vested in me by the very bitter, old man who works at the courthouse on Schermerhorn street, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

I snake my arms around his neck immediately and pull him down to me. He smirks against my lips and pulls me deeper, closer to him. There is applause around us but we don't stop for them. We stand there and kiss for a while before Tony says something that makes me laugh. I break away from him and keep one hand on his cheek as I pull Tony in to hug me. We hug everyone there (well, I do. Loki shakes hands and picks up Morgan so they can't hug him full on.)

Tony claps Loki on the back and asks Loki if he can hold onto Morgan for a bit while he goes to check on the caterers. Loki nods to him as Thor hands me a green bag with purple tissue paper. When we look inside, it's a bottle of Asgardian wine. I look at him for a moment before hugging him tightly, thanking him.

"Who wrapped this for you, Brother?" Loki asks him, patting his shoulder and pulling me away from him, an arm around my waist.

"Is it so hard to believe that I am skilled at making gifts look presentable?"

"A bit, yes."

Thor scowls and points to Morgan, who is still up in Loki's arms. She seems happy there. It's my favorite place to be so I completely understand.

"Look at you, gorgeous! You look just like your momma." I turn around to see James, my mom's boyfriend before she passed. I immediately jump into his arms and he laughs, stumbling back slightly. "You didn't think I would miss this did you? I'd never miss an event like this."

"Truth be told, James, I wasn't aware this was an event."

He laughs and lets me go to look at my face, "I was told not to say anything." He glances back at Loki.

I turn around too and glare at my husband teasingly. He smirks at me and turns his attention back to the child in his arms.

James leans down a little to whisper in my ear, "Is she yours?"

I smile, "No. She is Tony and Pepper's daughter. We are just her favorite Aunt and Uncle. Isn't that right, Morgan?" I squeeze her leg lovingly and she just nods. She's fascinated by the magic that Loki is doing for her.

"I see. Look, doll. You know I love you but I have to go. I'm really sorry, but I couldn't completely clear my schedule tonight."

"It's totally fine! The fact that you came at all means so much to me. Thank you, James." I hug him again. He holds on just as tight.

"I meant what I said, you know. You really do look just like her." And with that parting whisper, he shakes Loki's hand.

As I watch the man who loved my mother the way she deserved leave, I am struck by a brief moment of sadness. I wish she was here. Loki kisses my temple and whispers in my mind, 'She is here. They both are.' I nod and dab lightly at the tears that filled my eyes.

After around 20 more minutes of socializing with my family, Peter comes running up to me.

"Hey, Auntie Elle! There's a guy in the hallway. Mr. Bucky and Captain Rogers won't let him in but told me to come get you." I look back at Loki who looks as confused as I feel. He hands Morgan over to Pete and laces his fingers through mine.

We meet Buck and Steve in the doorway, who are standing there, shoulder to shoulder, looking menacingly at the man in the hall. I understand why the moment I see him.

"Tyr?"

"Hello, daughter."

There is a silence for a moment. Loki automatically goes into his protective defense mode and angles his body so I am slightly behind him as he moves to stand beside Bucky.

"What... why... how- how did you get here? How did you find out where I was?" I'm stumbling over my words in my shock. Why was my father here? I walk out of the door and into the hallway, Loki right behind me with Bucky and Steve flanking us. Loki tells Steve to close the doors.

"I am your father, child, you could not keep your marriage to a Prince from me."

My anger flares up. "So if I were to marry a Midgardian, you wouldn't be here? You're only here because I chose to marry the former Prince of Asgard?" Loki puts his other hand on my waist. 'We don't want to ruin that pretty dress, do we, love?' He whispers in my head.

"That is not what I meant."

"I know exactly what you meant."

"Daughter, listen to me-"

"Make me!"

"Darling-" Loki starts but I interrupt him.

"You don't give a shit about me, and you never have. Just go! I don't want you here."

"Daughter-"

"You can't even say my fucking name, Tyr. Say it! What is my name?"

"I know your name, child-"

"Then say it."

He looks at me for a moment, as though seeing if I'm being serious. "Noelle. You need to take a breath." He says.

I stare at him, the sound of my name falling from his mouth angering me. Loki immediately has me around the waist and behind Steve and Bucky.

"Look, Mister. I don't know who you are, and I don't care. You are distressing my best friend on her wedding day so I suggest you walk away before I throw you out the window." Bucky's tone is calm, conversational, but his words are aggressive.

"You stay out of this, boy. This is between my daughter and I."

"You mess with her, you face all of us." I hear from the other end of the corridor. The slightly robotic voice tells me that Tony heard my yelling and got in his suit to take care of it. "And I should warn you, hot shot. There's a lot of fire power behind that door." He raises his hand and his repulsors charge up.

My father raises his hands in defeat and disappears from where he stands. I automatically release a deep, shaky breath. Loki wraps his arms around me and rests his head on top of mine. I reach one hand out to Bucky, Steve, and Tony. "Thank you." I whisper.

Buck squeezes my hand and Steve strokes my hair once.

"Take a deep breath, Elle. Come back in so we can eat soon. It's still your party." Tony says to me and the three of them go back inside.

"Are you alright?" His voice is full of concern.

"I'm alright." I answer. I pull away to look at him and smile, raising my hand to cup his cheek. He leans into the contact and kisses my wrist, right above my tattoo of his symbol. "I love you, Loki."

"I love you, Angel." He pulls me into his chest again.

"Loki."

"Yes?"

"We are married."

I feel him grin, "Yes we are." He lifts me up and kisses me for a moment before putting me down again.

"Are you ready to go back in?" He asks. I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair a little before nodding.

We open the door and are met with applause. I grin and feel my cheeks heat up. Loki smiles and pulls me into a kiss, earning more cheers. He ends it first and sits me down at the table, sitting beside me. He intertwines our fingers and holds my hand under the table. After dinner, people start making speeches- Thor sobbing through his- and giving toasts.

Tony decides it's time to dance and, very graciously, plays a slow song for us first: For the Dancing and the Dreaming.

As Loki leads me to the makeshift dance floor, I ask him, "So, you're okay that I didn't change my last name?"

"Darling, believe me. I would change my name if I could."

"You can, Loki. That's a thing in Midgard. You can change your name. We should create a whole new last name!"

He smirks at me, "Loki and Noelle Allguardians."

"Loki and Noelle Skywalker."

"Loki and Noelle Fraser!"

"No, wait, I got it! Are you ready? It's pretty good, I don't know if you're prepared."

"Just tell me." He laughs.

"Loki and Noelle Friggason."

He pauses, thinking. I feel all the things he was feeling at that moment. He makes a decision.

"Loki and Noelle Friggason." He leans down to kiss me, which was met by whoops and cheers from our audience.

We pull back as the song ends and Tony, the silly man, turns on Criminal by Britney Spears. I start laughing hysterically and poor Loki just looks confused. Asgardian weddings are a calm, respectful affair the whole time. They don't have crazy receptions that play YMCA or do the stupid, creepy garter thing.

He glances at me and sees my smile, his face changing to amusement as Nat comes up behind me to dance. I turn around in Loki's arms and reach for Natasha, who gets closer to me and dances like the way we do when we go clubbing, Loki still holding my waist.

After Criminal, Tony let Peter pick a song, because he is a softy for his Spiderson, and that boy put on Baby Shark. The best part was all of us knew the dance and song because of little Morgan. We did change the words so that it's Baby Stark, but only because it made Morgan laugh and Tony flush.

After the Baby Stark song, Natasha thinks she's funny and plays Low-Key by Ally Brooke. That was an adventure in and of itself.

After that we had cupcakes because Stark pays more attention than I thought.

Loki and I sit on the couch after cupcakes, my legs in his lap, his fingers running along the soft fabric of my dress that covers my legs. Morgan sits on the other side of the couch with Peter, who watches her colour. Steve, Bucky, and Nat are sitting shoulder to shoulder opposite to us. Steve has his sketch pad in his lap and he keeps glancing at us, which tells me that he's drawing us. I don't mind, I'd love that memory. Nat and Buck, on either side of him, watch him sketch. Tony walks over to look over Steve's shoulder. He must have been done because Tony pats his shoulder and comes over to me and Loki. He has Loki and I sign the papers to make the marriage legally recognized by the state. It's official now. Afterward, he takes my hand and pulls me to the dance floor again. He plays a series of slower songs and he dances with me. I end up dancing with most of the Avengers: Tony, Steve, Bucky (twice; one slow, one fast), Thor, Peter, even Clint. It was really nice.

It isn't long before Loki claims me again. He dances with a few people (Pepper, Wanda, but mostly Morgan.) We dance to Taylor Swift's Lover, then Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince. By the time the party dies down again, it's nearing two am.

"Alright! I have one more thing to give the newlyweds before we prepare for hangovers and go to sleep." Tony shouts over the small group around us.

"Tony, you gave us a wedding, we don't need anything else." I tell him.

He smirks at me, "You may not but it's more your him than you, dear."

I cock an eyebrow at him as he hands Loki a little box. He opens it and takes the key out, slightly confused.

"You didn't think I would let you spend your honeymoon in the tower, did you?"

I gasp loudly, realizing what he did. "That's not... you wouldn't. Tones, are you being for real?"

"I'm confused, what is this?"

"That, Reindeer Games, is the key to the house on my private island." I shriek and throw my arms around Tony's neck. He hugs me tight. "The copter is waiting on the roof. You have clothes there (not that you will need them). You have 3 days. You are to be back by New Year's Eve."

Tony let's me go and Loki pretty much drags me to the roof. He helps me into the helicopter and buckles into the seat next to mine. He brings my knuckles to his lips as we take off, mouthing 'I love you' through the noise.

[hawkinspostbite]

Chapstick

Words: 1,815

MASTERLIST

A/N: I do not claim to, nor do I own Stranger Things; the concept, characters, plot, etc.

She was an avid chapstick collector. Her collection was her prized possession, and her dirty little secret. She was known for loving chapstick, she had one situated in a pocket of each of her jackets, on her bedside table, on her vanity, in her locker, and in Billy’s car. Just underneath her bed, in a hollowed-out jewelry box, laid her holy grail. Decorated with stickers all the way back from her childhood to now, She managed to keep the box a secret from all. That was, until the first night Billy slept over.

Her parents were attending a wedding in Indianapolis, and her younger brother had been shipped off to her aunt’s for the weekend, so the house was all hers.

She and Billy were pretty fresh into their relationship, only going together for about five months, but he could already feel a difference in himself. All the other girls he had been with before, whether it be short or long, weren’t her. They were rough around the edges, had very little emotions, and only wanted one thing. She, however, was soft, had more emotions than Billy knew possible, and wanted the world- and everything it had to offer. She stilled his raging heart, calmed his trembling hand, and kissed his frowning lips. He spent less time in detention, stopped picking petty fights, got along with his family, got better grades, and stopped going to as many parties. “Once a party animal, always a party animal.” He’d say. As of late, he much preferred spending time with her than being surrounded by people he hardly knew.

He’d be lying if he said that she wasn’t the greatest thing to happen to him in his short life. His father was a disgrace to the title “father”, his mother was a whore, and he received little to no affection his entire life. In addition to her kindness and carefulness, she was quite the looker. Beautiful at any and every moment, sweet and soft, his favorite piece of art.

Thursday morning she had practically ran into him with excitement. “Hey Bill.” She cooed, drawing his eyes from his locker down to her. He immediately smiled, leaning down to kiss her.

“Morning baby, how’s my favorite girl?”

“Pretty great if I do say so.” She was practically bouncing with excitement. “Aren’t you gonna ask me why I’m so happy?”

He tilted his head, smirking. “Why’re you so happy?”

“Well- since you asked, mom and dad are gonna be out of town this weekend, and they’re sending Sam to my aunt’s and I’m gonna have the house to myself. So, do you wanna sleepover?”

“A sleepover? What’s in the itinerary for this sleepover?” He turned to start searching through his locker for his math term paper. “Mani-pedis, romantic comedies, gossip?”

She scoffed, smacking his arm lightly. “No. I was thinking, movie marathons, maybe breaking into my dad’s mini bar. Oh and probably lots of making out.”

His head whipped to the side. This was a slightly different side to her than he knew. “Sounds like a good time to me. I’m in.”

She was telling the truth, mostly. She forgot to add that she finally wanted her and Billy to “seal the deal”, and what better time than when they were home alone? Listening to his response, she took the final detail and shoved it into the back of her mind. “Yay! It’s a date!” She leaned upwards, kissing his cheek.

A soft blush dusted Billy’s face at the sweet gesture. “I’ll be at your place at eight tomorrow? Sound good.”

“Perfect!”

With a quick kiss and fist bump*, the two parted ways for the day.

*It was just a cute little thing they did

Friday afternoon, she had left school right after the final bell, having Jonathan drop her off at her house. Her parents had already been gone, and her brother was being picked up from school, so the house was silent upon entry.

For a moment she relished in the quietness, before getting to work. She cleaned and tidied each room. Fluffing the pillows, and removing the cat hair from the couch in the living room, wet-mopping the floor and wiping down the cabinets in the kitchen, perfectly setting the dining room table (as if it was already party ready). She simply closed and locked the basement door, as there was no helping that room. Her parents bed and bath were always locked when they left for an extended time, so she needn’t worry about that. She disinfected and perfected her and her brother’s shared bathroom, and closed and locked her brother’s room- it looked like a tornado had hit it.

Then came her room. She vacuumed the carpet, put on clean linens and sheets, fluffed her pillows, made sure she had the softest blankets in the house, organized her besides table, dresser top, and vanity, and made sure her closet was neat and orderly. When she was finished, nothing was out of place. Her entire house was perfect, save the basement and Sam’s room.

She dug through her closet to find her other secret arsenal, her scented candles. She had collected a plethora of vanilla-rum candles that her aunt made her every year for Christmas. She took the bin out and set it on her bed, digging through it to pull out the box of matches. She lit a candle on the coffee table in the living room, one on the kitchen island, one on her vanity and her bedside table, and one on the bathroom counter.

The clock chimes seven times, and she began to get ready. She took a hot shower, shampooing and conditioning her hair to the fullest extent, shaving, making sure she was in tip-top shape for her late night plans. She dressed in her favorite cute pajamas, slightly blow-dried her hair, moisturized her entire body, and for good measure, slathered on a healthy helping of her bedside watermelon chapstick.

Promptly at eight, Billy arrived, duffel bag slung over his shoulder, and a bouquet of baby’s breath in his hand. “Evening Princess, brought you some flowers.” He leaned down to kiss her cheek as she happily took the bouquet.

“Baby’s breath are my favorite.” She breathed in their soft scent.

“I know.” He smiled, placing his bag onto the counter. “You baking a cake or something?” He sniffed the air.

“Nah. Just my favorite candles. Nobody lets me burn them when everybody’s home.” She shrugged, moving to the cupboard to find one of her mom’s canning mason jars. She filled it halfway with water and placed the flowers into it.

“Well I’ll let you burn whatever you want baby. Hey- they look pretty good in that.”

“We don’t own flower vases, nobody gets flowers from anyone.”

The couple stood in silence for a moment, each of them taking in each other.

Billy admired the way the candle light made her face dark, but her eyes were still gorgeous and bright.

She admired how soft he looked in the dim light, and how kind his eyes were.

“I’m gonna go grab a shower quick, if you don’t mind. It was pretty chaotic at mine.” She nodded at him. Neil was away on a work trip, and Max had convinced her mother to let the Party sleepover. Which resulted in literal chaos let loose in Billy’s home. “Why don’t you pick out a movie while I’m up there?”

He kissed her cheek again on the way by.

Two hours later they had watched the entirety of ‘St. Elmo’s Fire’, and she was ready to put her official plan into action. She yawned, snuggling further into Billy’s embrace. “You ready for bed kid?” Billy softly smiled at her.

“Yeah.”

“Why don’t you head up? I’ll blow out the candles and stuff. Make sure the doors are locked. Meet you up there.”

She sleepily walked up the stairs and to the bathroom. She checked herself in the mirror and quickly brushed her teeth, blowing out the bathroom candle and making her way down the hall to her room.

“Hey babe, I was thinking- what the hell are you doing?!” She stepped into her room to see Billy seated cross-legged on her bed, her empty chapstick box next to him, and a pile of chapsticks between his legs. He was carefully examining the varying flavors.

She rushed forward to grab the box. “Billy, how did you find this? Were you snooping on me?” She was genuinely horrified that somebody had finally uncovered her secret.

He looked over at her, holding a green apple Lip Smacker in his hand. “So this is the reason why you always taste so fruity... and why your lips are so damn soft.”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t really like the green apple one. But you didn’t answer my question! Why were you snooping?”

He looked down again at the array of chapsticks. “You snoop on me all the time.” He shrugged, grabbing the Dr. Pepper one. “I know you keep a damn chapstick on you at all times but I didn’t think it was this bad.”

She groaned, tossing the box at him. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Baby, if a collection of chapsticks... and lip glosses?”

“For special occasions.” She grumbled.

He chuckled at her. “If a collection of lip products is your biggest secret then you have nothing to worry about.” He uncapped the Root Beer one and swiped it across his lips. “I can see why you like these things so much, they’re pretty neat. And they don’t taste half bad either.”

“I never even got to try the Root Beer yet!” She snatched it from his grip.

He grabbed her wrist, pulling her onto the bed with him. “Then taste.” He pressed his lips to hers, making sure she got a taste of him and the chapstick.

She pulled away, and he raised his eyebrows. “I agree, a very good flavor.”

She had completely forgotten about her prior agenda as Billy came up with the brilliant idea to take a “Chapstick Inventory”, they narrowed it down to their mutual favorites, and whatever flavors they didn’t like, he’d take home for Max.

Lemon, watermelon, honey, cherry, peppermint, Dr. Pepper, grape, lime, banana, raspberry, and chocolate stayed. And green apple, strawberry, passion fruit, piña-colada, orange, kiwi, and bubble gum went to Max.

Billy kept Root Beer for himself.

What was once just her dirty little secret had now become their “thing”.

A quick kiss. Billy would always lick his lips right after. “Mm, what flavor was that?”

The answer was always different. “Banana.”, “Raspberry.”, “Lemon.”, etc.

But their favorite was always Root Beer. For it reminded them of their first “sleepover”, vanilla-rum candles, baby’s breath bouquets, soft velvet comforters, and the warmth of each other’s embrace.

[allons-y-to-hogwarts-713]

85 Questions Tag!

Yikes! This is very useful for procrastination from homework. 😉

Thank you @party-with-books for tagging me ❤️😊

Rules: Answer the questions and tag whoever you want (originally 20 people but like… that’s also a lot)

The last:
1. drink: Dr. Pepper
2. phone call: I think my mom
3. text message: also my mom
4. song: “Branded” (when I started) and “No More (Acoustic)” (when I finished) by NateWantsToBattle because my cousin showed me his music a few weeks ago and I am OBSESSED
5. time you cried: like an hour or less ago

Have you ever:
6. dated someone twice: lol I’ve never even dated someone once
7. kissed someone and regretted it: familial maybe, but I’ve never had a kiss on the lips
8. been cheated on: that would require dating
9. lost someone special: Yes, several, but the closest and most recent was my uncle, which is the reason for the crying within the last hour
10. been depressed: perpetually
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: never tasted alcohol, I don’t even like the smell of it

Favorite colors:
12. Blue
13. Slytherin Green
14. Black
15. Magic Mint
16. Dark Red

In the last year have you:
17. laughed until you cried: yes
18. found out someone was talking about you: ...I don’t think so? I’m not sure
19. met someone who changed you: sort of yes, and probably other(s) without even knowing it yet
20. found out who your friends are: Yes?
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: technically? (because I don’t have a FB so my lack of kisses can be applied to my lack of a list)
22. made friends: Yes
23. fallen out of love: as in lost love for certain celebrities, yes, but personally I’ve never “been in love”

General:
25. what did you do for your last birthday: went to Dave and Busters with my parents and a friend
26. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them, because I don’t have a FB so I know all my zero FB friends
27. do you have any pets: nope, but I’d like to
28. what time did you wake up: around 9:30-10:00am
29. what were you doing at midnight last night: working on homework for my Mandarin Chinese class
30. name something you can’t wait for: seeing Miss Saigon in NYC on Saturday!
31: what are you listening to right now: NateWantsToBattle (OBSESSED)

32: have you ever talked to a person named tom: Several actually
33: something that’s getting on your nerves: lots of things
34. do you want to change your name: no
35. hair color: dark blonde
36. long or short hair: long (but I kinda wanna finally get it cut soon I think)
37. piercings: earrings
38. tattoos: none, unless you count the ones from Racing Stripes Gum that have been applied and removed over the years
39. blood type: I should know but I don’t. But I don’t want the vampires to know what flavor I am anyway so I wouldn’t post it. (Well, there’s a few exceptions...)
40. nicknames: sometimes Kay. (I was given the name 楷莉 in my Mandarin class, so we talked about nicknames today and I guess I’ll go by 楷楷 but only in that class.)
41. relationship status: 🎶everybody’s got somebody but me🎶, and I’m fine with it
42. zodiac: Taurus
43. pronouns: she/her
44. most visited website: This one, but through the app mostly
45. right or left handed: Lefty! 😃
46. surgeries: none that I can think of?
47. sports: umm, mathlete
48. favorite tv show: A LOT OF SHOWS
49. vacations: almost every year with my family to OBX, NC, but idk if we’re going to continue that now without my uncle 😔
50. sneakers: whatever is on sale that won’t fall apart in a week. My newest ones are Vans, but the ones I wore for several years prior were Sketchers and NewBalance

More general:
52. eating: nothing rn, but I recently ate a mini Hershey’s cookies ‘n’ cream bar
53. fave drink: Dr. Pepper, root beer, Mountain Dew Code Red, coffee, tea, EGGNOG, chocolate milk, apple cider
54. what you’re up to: anxiously procrastinating
55. waiting for: better days/a break from all the crap for my family and I, a sense of purpose, a dentist to actually fix my teeth instead of just making them worse, the next Thomas Sanders video, a chance to be in a Broadway musical, etc.
56. want: [see 55]
57. get married: doubtful, which is more than fine with me
58. career: augh idk. Hopefully something in graphic design I guess, since my electives are the only classes I’m actually getting anything out of with this four-year bs b.s. degree in computer science

Which is better:
60. hugs or kisses: hugs if either (at least with my lack of kissing experience)
61. lips or eyes: eyes
62. shorter or taller: no preference
63. older or younger: either? But like a very small age gap either way
64. nice arms or stomach: Both? Both. Both is good.
65. hook up or relationship: solid relationship
66. troublemaker or hesitant: in fictional characters, both, especially if both are in one precious conflicted guy. And I guess even irl, a little bit of both, but small scale trouble, like something that gets me out of my comfort zone that ends up being fun but nothing that’s gonna break a law or get us in any even small amount of actual trouble, so both in one person but weighted toward hesitant.

Have you ever:
67. kissed a stranger: Nope 
68. drank hard liquor: Nope
69. lost glasses/contacts: lost a contact once, but I haven’t lost my glasses which I wear more often
70. turned someone down: yes. Well, I tried to anyway, but it took a while for them to actually comprehend it because I guess maybe I wasn’t quite blunt enough about it somehow because I’m soft spoken and don’t want to be a jerk but also know my right to say no.
71. sex on the first date: No (marriage first (and since I don’t plan on getting married, I’ll likely pass altogether, because that’s actually one of many reasons why I don’t want to get married))
72. broken someone’s heart: No. They might say so, but then that’s their lack of respect for my right to say no as a female, because we were never together for me to have broken their hearts (contrary to the rumor at least one of them spread which was a terrible part of my hs senior year and finalized me not going to prom) [see 70]
73. had your heart broken: yes, but not in a romantic relationship way
74. been arrested: Nope, I’m a good hippogriff
75. cried when someone died: Yes, several
76. fallen for a friend: Not necessarily...

Do you believe in:

77. yourself: lol
78. miracles: yes
79. love at first sight: maybe, but it’s rare if at all, and there’s so much wrongly perceived to be love at first sight that I’d be skeptical anyway even if it actually was. I think you have to know the person to truly love them, and physical attraction by itself usually gets in the way of real feelings and connections or lack thereof.
80. santa claus: 🎶like I believe in love. I believe in Santa Claus, and everything he does. There’s no question in my mind; yes, he does exist. Just like love, I know he’s there, waiting to be missed.🎶 (oh hey look at that, now I’m crying about Mickey Rooney too)
81. kiss on the first date: mayyyyyybe? I’ll let you know if/when I get there
82. angels: yes

Other:
83. current best friend’s name(s): several on here and several in person that idk if I can post
84. eye color: blue
85. favorite movie: too many

I’ll tag: @alys07 @agentmarymargaretskitz @euphoric-melancholyy @karasimmons @swans-and-pirates @cutieodonoghue @hook-come-back-to-me @thegladelf @thesassywitchofthenortheast @techieninja18 @walkmanquill207 @themcuhasruinedme @floridianfireflyfaith @kittennharington @lenfaz @lightsandmetaphors @lieutenantguyliner @captainswansjourney @crowleys-poppet-queen-of-asgard @claravitae @revolting-phantom97 @whatamagicalworld and anyone else who wants to do it, and as always it’s no obligation. 🙂