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zuffer-weird-girl · 5 years ago

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Ok i know asks ars closed and whatnot , but hear me out: High school kai, asking high school angel to prom, and both being suupppeerrrr flustered and cute and pops and hari wstching from a good distance... ┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠ��)(ヘ･_･)ヘ┳━┳

Lol. Perfect.

He was bad. He was from the mafia. You heard friends and family members whispers and warning sto stay away from that boy ever since you manage to keep talking with the owner of such enchanting amber eyes.

Yet, you couldn't. You just couldn't stop talking with him. Everthing about Chisaki Kai was so mysterious and oh so worth it of going through and learning. Each day it passes, you felt that you were even more deeply in love with the yakusa's boy.

Yet, you somehow knew it wasn't mutual. As much as you stucked around, Kai never expressed that he was even a bit interested on you, never once. Merely when he doubted on why you weren't afraid of him or spoke badly about the yakusa, but that was it.

He was always so serious, never even once changing that handsome stoic face he had, the maximun you saw it was changing to annoyance or worst, anger. His uncaring persona didn't helped a lot either... always scoffing and even insulting, picking fights with those who doubted the yakusa.

You sighed at remembering all his characteristics, all of those were suppose to make him an unlikable person to many, but for you? Oh, you were the unlucky one to had gotten bited form the love bug.

And it had to be one of the guys who clearly didn't wanted nothing to do with you...

You even tried to ignore Chisaki once... it all ended with a Kurono running after you and to drag you back and both of the boys demanding an answer.

Well, seemed like you were stuck with them, even being completly in love with the dar brow haired boy. You couldn't exactly say that people didn't warned you, they did in some ways.

But they didn't prepared you to have to suffer due to love. An unrequited love...

"You seem a bit down (Y/n), you're okay?" One of your friends asked in concern, his blue eyes in worry as his blonde almost shined with the sun light.

"It was one of those guys again? We always told you to be careful." Your other friend mumbled, already with a scowl on her face.

"N-No! Neither of them! I-I am just... just lost on my thoughts due to the... uh.. P-Prom! That's it!"

They bought it as you sighed in relief, if it was Chisaki spoking to you right now he would arch his eyebrow and tear the real thought out of your head in instants.

Or he was really good at reading other people expressions, or he knew you better than anyone else... the thought made you smile a bit at the... possibility.

"So! Whoose is your pair then (Y/n)?" The ginger boy chirped while wiggling his eyebrows.

"Pair? What?" You commented, confused at the pair thing. It was obligated? God, you didn't had a pair!

Just when one of your friends was about to say something they froze at the image of Kurono walking nonchantly towards you, boredoom face as usual.

The group said their good byes and almost ran out of the room as you shaked your head in dissaproval at their actions before smilling at your friend.

"Hey Kurono." He nodded as a greeting before he sighed and layed his back on the wall.

"Chisaki ordered me to call you to meet him after classes. He said is something important and to not be late." You tilted your head in confusion.

"Where..?"

"Know the only cherry tree of that park? One time when you broked your arm while climbing and we had to walk you to the hospital and me and Chisaki were almost the ones your parents blamed if it wasn't for you explaining?" You blushed in embarrassment at the memory, remembering with perfection that Kai scolded you more than your own parents/guardians.

"Okay...? Did I do something? Where is he by the way?"

"Have no idea. And he went home already. Just listen that is better for both of us." He despatched hsi back from the wall and left with a goodbye. Leaving you all alone and with a kind racing on what possibly Chisaki would want from you.

Shit shit shit shiT SHIT!

You were late! All of because you offered to help your teacher to carry his material back to the teacher's room. You didn't thought it was going to take that long in your defence!

The sunset was beautiful but all you could think of was on how Kai was going to be hella mad at you. Knowing all of his habbits, you knew that one of the kost boring and annoying of them was how pontual he was.

The number one was his mysophobia, no doubts.

You were almost hyperventilating when you placed your palm on the nostalgic cherry tree. The sunset light hitted perfectly that spot and the petals fell graciously along with the wind, drifting them far away from you.

You looked around and frowned at not spotting any dark brow haired boy... it was never uncommun for Chisaki to be late for anything, neither to joke around like that... did something happened with-

"You're late as usual." His monotonous voice ringed from behind you, causing your smile to appear subsconciously as the blush in your cheeks grew, which could tottaly be blamed by the color of the sky you hoped.

"Sorry." You turned around and saw the ever sk stoic face of Kai with that black mask on. Recently he had started to use it despite all of your complains, his mysophobia had taken the better of him, and now he insisted o using that cursed thing, covering most of his handsome face.

"Mind giving me a motive? Or you're just that irresponsible as always?" He said nonchantly but his eyes spoked at how much annoyed he was, making you wince.

"Again sorry." You looked down at your feet "I didn't thought that helping mister Tokosumi would take that long..."

"People taking advantage of your actions, why I am not surprised..?" He sighed as he rolled his eyes.

You bited the bottom of your lip slightly before looking up at those monotonous eyes gazing back at yours. Nervousness as you were, you didn't even cared taht he was with one hand behind his marks and neither questioned it about it.

"So... Kurono told me you..." you played with your fingers while he looked down at you "It was something important you wanted to-"

His growl caught your attention and when you looked up a bouquet of your favorite type of flowers was almost trusted into your face. You tilted your head a bit to see Chisaki with an annoyed expression as he looked up with a frow... wait, was his ears red?

No way... w-was... was he blushing?

He shook them a bit as he brough his free hand for you to take it already. You, with wide eyes, picked the bouquet with uncertain yet flattered... before you spotted a one single golden rose right on the middle, which clearly caught your attention the most.

"H-How? Golden roses even exist?" You asked in astonishment as you brought the bouquet to your chest while you brought the rare flower to you, and it even smelled like one rose!

"Forgot what is my quirk about?" He sighed in annoyance, looking at you with an annoyed yet embarrassed expression.

"Y-You did this? And are giving it to me?"

"Clearly since no one else had the idea, bunch of idiots if you ask me." He sighed again before placing his hands on his pockets as he kicked the ground, much even like a kid would before slowly looking back at you "About the second question... you can have it, on one condition though."

"Huh? Which one?" You asked in interest, you couldn't be called a fan of flowers, but this one certainly got your interest, and you were planning to keep it!

"... The proom. Go on that with me, and you can have that thing." He mumbled the first part before looking at you dead in the eye, making your eyes grow wide as you almost lost the grip on the bouquet or even the golden rose.

Your world seemed to have paused, your cheeks burned at cat hung the words that just slipped from his mouth... did Chisaki Kai just asked you to go to the proom with him?!

He never once was someone to enjoy social gatherings, so why was he asking you this? You no less?!

"It passed one minute and a half of your silence. So it's a no?" He said nonchantly, not showing the slightest the possible hurt he was feeling.

"I-I..." you gulped down the thick air stuck on your throat "L-Like f-f-friends or anything like t-that?"

"Definitely not." His face grew darker at your words "If I am giving you a bouquet of flowers, even risking my own reputation is not "like friends" as you say. You know exactly what I am talking about idiot."

Your jaw could have hitted the floor with his little and subconscious confession. He pointed at the bouquet with a 'tsk' and show one card hanging on it.

You put back the golden rose on the bouquet to open the card, blushing hard at the neatly and almost perfect kanji of your name writen on it and what shocked you the most.

You looked up at him with wide eyes as his annoyed ones waited for an answer.

"I will! I would love to!" You exclaimed in happines as he winced at the tone of your voice and tensed when you hugged him close.

"First, dont scream dammit and second, stop hugging me so tight-" he tried to pry you off with his hands as his brows furrowed and his face grew hotter and hotter at any second it passed "You might take my breath away you-"

"I love you too!" You snuggled on his neck amd he cringed harder.

"Disgusting...!" He hissed before scoffing, giving up on prying you off from him and just patting your head with one hand awkwardly. Mask hiding his relieved and happy smile on his face as he looked away from you.

Although that smile quickly fade away when he saw two pairs of binoculars from the distance, one poking hlbehind a tree and the other in the middle of a Bush.

"STOP WITH THAT FOR ONCE KURONO! POPS YOU TOO?! GET OUT OF HERE!" he shouted in anger as you looked at him in confusion, making his face go beef red.

Bonus:

"He saw us." Kurono said after taking off the binoculars out of his eyes as Pops almost fell on the ground from laughter.

"Kurono my boy tell me, when was the last time you saw Chisaki that red?"

Hari thought for an bit before peaking the binocular again and snickered.

"Only when you caught him practicing on how to talk with (Y/n)."

Thhe ground soon started to tremble and Kurono cursed out loud, recognizing Chisaki's quirk.

"Run my boy. We've got time."

#kai chisaki x reader #chisaki kai imagine scenario #chisaki kai x reader #chisaki kai #kai chisaki #bnha imagine #bnha x reader #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha #my writings #zuffer writings

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miragekarma · 4 years ago

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decided to put nat’s narration boxes and some of the dialogues from marjorie liu’s black widow together, because it’s truly a masterpiece.

You always knew what you had to do. No one ever told you. You had the resolve, even then. Nor were you afraid of the dark. Of what waited for you there. But sometimes... Sometimes... I wish you had been.

There are some things a suit like you will never understand. Like trust. Trust in battle. Trust when the chips are down. The kind of trust that lets you put your life in another person’s hands. A person like Natasha.

You must always have a safe place to go. That is the first thing you learn. Though you should know that by instinct, before anyone has to teach you. It isn’t just spies that need to run. Good times don’t last forever.

The Black Widow is a legend. Some folks think you kill a legend, you’ll become one, too. But that’s not how it works. Legends aren’t made so cheap. And legends always die hard.

There are wolves in the night. The soldiers would say that, when I was a girl. My uncles and brothers, in war. My friends. Raising me on the battlefield because there was nowhere else to go. There are wolves, they would say. And there are stories about wolves and girls. Girls in red. All alone in the woods. About to get eaten up. Wolves and girls. Both have sharp teeth.

I outlived all the men who raised me. I stayed young while they faded, and died from bullets and disease, or old age. You forget so much. You forget them. Friends. Family. You put aside what can’t be changed. Like death. Until something small and unexpected catches you.

We all burn. We burn in fire. We burn in blood. We burn in dreams. And it never ends. Dreams never end. You would not want them to. Not if it means forgetting. You can never forget. You, who are all that is left. So, remember: We are born in fire. Again, and again. You would live it all, again. No matter how much it hurts. When it hurts, you know you are alive. And you know that as long as you live, they live. And when you die, they die. You are the inheritor of memories.

Tell yourself that there are things you wil never forget. Tell yourself that you will always remember what is important. Tell yourself that everthing you love will stay with you, forever. Even though it won’t. Not even a little. Nothing lasts. In the end, all we have is ourselves. But unless you are strong... And careful... That will not be enough.

I’m the Black Widow. I could eat you for lunch.

I discovered the writer, Leo Tolstoy, in a muddy ditch that held more blood than rain. One of the soldiers loved his words -- And then, so did I. ”All, everything that I understand,” he wrote, “I understand only because I love.” That was so many years ago. But words on a page didn’t teach me that lesson. I learned it on my own. I learned it in trenches with bullets flying overhead; pressed back to back with grizzled starving men who would have laid down their lives for mine. I learned it from a ribbon tied around my ring finger. I learned it from a kick inside my belly. I learned it from death, and hardship, and brief acts of inexplicable kindness. I learned love from sacrifice. I learned love from living. And no matter where I’ve gone, or what I’ve done -- All the dark things I do not regret, but will never speak of -- that is the one part of me that I have always kept safe. Imus was such a fool. Tolstoy will live forever. Some people do. But that’s not enough. It’s not the length of a life that matters... Just the depth of it. The chances we take. The paths we choose. How we go on after our hearts break. Hearts always break. And so we bend with our hearts. And we sway. But in the end... What matters is that we loved... And lived.

#read this run. i cannot stress this enough.#marjorie liu needs to get all the awards for this #with context these are all so much better #god... the way she mentioned nat’s struggle with outliving the people she loved #because she doesn’t get old like they do #it’s something i ADORE #this is my favorite comic of all time like nothing ever gets on this level #i love nat so much SO much #it’s called black widow: the name of the rose #or just black widow (2010)#the first five issues are liu’s run #natasha romanoff #marvel comics #talking comics #z.txt

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inspriredlyuninspired · 4 years ago

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The Stalker

Part 6

Modern!Ivar x Curvy!Reader, Able-bodied! Ivar, Dark!Ivar

Warnings: Depression, starving, sucidal thoughts.

Summary: Y/n is stuck in her head about everything that happened, but still agrees to go on the trip with Ivar, she makes a shocking discovery about herself.

Word count: 1,514

Third Person POV

In the days leading up to the party Y/n barely moved out of bed, in the meantime Ivar prepared them both to leave. He has had two plane tickets ready since the party was announced.

He got her a new dress, shoes, makeup or anything she ever could have wanted, he wasn’t trying to buy her love. But it sure as hell looked that way.

“Little dove, please eat. You haven’t eaten in three days.”

“no thanks, im not hungry.” her voice was small and fragile.

The past few days, her mental health had rapidly been declining. She was headed back to the darkest period of her life, and she felt as though she couldn't stop it. It broke Ivar’s heart seeing her like this. She had no energy or motivation to get out of bed. He could not get her to eat, he would listen to her quietly sob while he laid next ot her in bed. The worst part is it was all his fault, he had caused this.

Her head was filled with vile thoughts.

‘everyone that walks into your life makes you worse then you were before’

‘no one truly loves you, they all want you for something and will drop you the second they’re done with you’

‘Mom and Dad didnt even care you left in the middle of the night, and now you’re stuck with the guy who stalked you’

‘he doesn’t care about you at all, thats why he trapped you here’

She couldn’t get the voices to stop. She thought at this point she would be better off dead, she would never find happiness in her life, she would never find someone that would truly love and cherish her. She thought this was her happily ever after, but it was her worst nightmare.

“Little dove, please sit up” she obliged, she had only been out of bed to go to the bathroom and shower. She sat up and Ivar gently held a spoon to her mouth. She opened her mouth and began to slurp the soup off the spoon.

He could have been hand feeding her poison and she would not of cared.

But it wasnt, it was broccolli cheddar soup, from her favorite restaurant downtown. She had never told him how much she loved it, he knew, from when he stalked her. Just thinking of that made her shiver away and a tear to roll down her cheek.

Seeing her cry saw made his heart shatter into a million pieces.

“Little dove please, we need to talk.”

“About what?” her voice cracked slightly.

“everything, i know you dont trust me and you have no reason to, i know what i did was terrible. I should have asked you out when i saw you that first day. I just thought you would never like a guy like me.”

“What do you mean a guy like you?” “im weird, im a nerd. I dont talk to anyone. I live in a house in the middle of the woods because im secluded, people hated with me growing up, even my own father hated me. I have only ever had one person in my life love me unconditionally and she isn’t here anymore. I am a man with a lot of baggage and a lot of hurt. I didn’t think you wanted to deal with it.”

Her eyed softened, he was broken. Just like her.

She sat up a little straighter and put her hand gently on his. This action shocked him.

“ivar, i have a lot of baggage, but you still wanted me. It still shocks be everyday that you wanted me as much as you did-”

“i still want you, i want to protect you.” “you dont always have to protect everyone else, sometimes you need to be protected yourself.”

“y/n, i love you. I would do anything to have you love me back. I understand how desperate that sounds too.” he chuckled slightly at himself.

“Ivar i told you im starting to fall in love with you. I love being around you, those days where you were yourself arond me, you mesmorized me. You intrigued me, you made want to learn every single little quirk about you. I agreed to go on this trip with you to see if i could get over what happened.”

“seeing you these part few days hurt my heart, and knowing it was my fault i couldnt believe myself.”

“my thoughts took over and im sorry, it wasn’t fair to you.”

“no please do not apologize, it was my fault. what thoughts were you struggling with?”

“the thought that no one in my life will truly love me and that the world would be better if i wasnt in it.” before she could finish his arms were wrapped aournd her, holding her tight to his chest.

“i need you here, you make my world so much brighter.” he whispered in her ear softly.

*12 hours later*

“ivar im sleepy”

“i know love you can sleep on the plane.” Ivar kissed her head that was leaning gently on his shoulder as they stood in the line for security in the airport.

When it was time for them to board their flight Ivar watched Y/n’s eyes light up

“excited to fly baby?”

“no i excited to go to sleep!” Her voice sounded like a childs, it made him giggle.

“First class now boarding.” came over the loud speaker. Y/n didn’t move, she was waiting until the announcement for coach seating came.

But she felt Ivar tugging on her hand, she gave him a confused look.

“oh Little Dove, you didn’t think that i would give you anything less than the best.”

Now, Y/n knew Ivar had money. Not just money, but like money money. SHe was still shocked. They were led to their seats, or rather their beds.

“These are full beds!” Y/n exclaimed. Ivar giggled and sat down and held her hand.

“now you can get your sleep, beauitful.” Y/n climbed into her side and she put down the divider between them. Ivar got comfortable on his side, not pushing his luck trying to hold her.

But he felt Y/n curl into his side, he felt her breathing steady he knew that she was drifiting off to sleep.

He held her close as they lifted off into the air, he fell asleep holding his girl for the long plane ride they had ahead.

Once the plane had landed y/n felt more awake and energized then she had in a couple days. Seeing her so full of life made Ivar’s heart melt.

His rental car was waiting for them at the airport, of course he couldnt just get a normal car. A BMW, very similar to the one he owned back in the states was there ready for him. He of course opened the door for Y/n and wouldnt let her help pack the car.

Once they were on the road, Y/n looked mesmerized as she watched the Danish countrside pass by. She loved seeing the transition of the quiant countryside to the city.

When they pulled up to the hotel Y/n was again shocked at how beautiful it is, she couldn’t even begin to think about how much he had spent. Vallet and bell hops came to take the bags and move the car.

Y/n grabbed Ivar’s hand which shocked him, but he was not complaining. they walked into the lavish lobby and were immediately greeted.

“Mr. and Mrs. Ragnarson, your room is ready.” The man handed Ivar the room key and shook his hand. Ivar guided her over to the elevator and said

“sorry about that, i booked the honeymoon suite” he blushed slightly, he didnt want to admit that to y/n but he was forced to.

“no its okay it was cute, why did you book that one?”

“it has the most beautiful veiw, not only did i want you to see it but i wanted to expirence it with you.” the blush on his cheeks made y/n’s heart burst. She was falling hard for him, and was slowly getting over everthing that had happened.

As ivar opened the door to the room, the floor to ceiling windows were the first thing she saw. Her mouth hung wide open, the sun was setting and the lights were beginning to flick on all over the city. Y/n slowly walked over to window and just watched in amazement.

Ivar walked over and wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned his chin on top of her head.

“this is the most beautiful view i have ever seen” Y/n whispered.

“You are the most beautiful veiw i have ever seen” Ivar whispered back to her.

This was the moment she knew she was not getting over him.

to be continued..

Taglist: @youbloodymadgenius @lostgirl14480 @artsyle

#dark!ivar #ivar lothbrok #ivar x reader #modern!ivar #modern!vikings #vikings ivar #alex h?gh andersen #alex h?gh andersen fluff #alex h?gh x reader

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iraacundus · 5 years ago

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Star of the Show

SEQUAL TO CIRCUS

PART TWO OUT OF THREE

reader x jaehyun; reader x doyoung

genre: angst, smut, fluff words: 8k warnings: sex, swearing, alcahol, mentions of emtional abuse

stars shine brightly into the sky until some become blackholes that destroy everthing around them, the same went for circus stars

You grabbed Jaehyun and peeked between the curtains, there were hundreds of people sat in the crowd. You were in a busy area so this was to be expected. Tonight was Jaehyun's first show, tomorrow, the company was coming to begin filming their promo with you both at the centre of it.

The trapeze was scheduled as the last act, so you watched Jaehyun sit on a chair nervously the whole time. He hadn't been given a second act yet so nox periculosa would be his first performance ever.

You came back in from doing the aerial hoops to see Jaehyun pacing up and down. You walked over to him and stopped him, placing your hands on his shoulders reassuringly.

"You will be great," you told him with a smile."We are a great team and Doyoung,.. well he is good at what he does." You said referencing your ex-boyfriend who was sitting across the room talking to Mademoiselle Isobel. So much for it being a meaningless kiss, you thought.

You pushed it to the back of your mind and focused back on Jaehyun, who was chewing on his lip more frequently ever since he had seen the crowd.

"I have done much scarier things than this, I once volunteered to be shot in the foot and yet this, this performance scares me, not because I can't do it, but because I know we have to do it right," he explained.

You knew almost nothing of Jaehyun’s life before the circus so you were kind of surprised to hear what he used to get up to in his free time.

"Maybe choose safer hobbies," you noted, causing him to flash a nervous grin, "and as long as you try your best I will be proud of you Jaehyun, as cliché as it is."

Taeyong walked over to you both.

"One minute," he said before rushing off to sort something else out. You pulled Jaehyun's hand into yours. It was actually part of the routine, but you felt like you would have done it anyway. You heard Taeyong's voice echo through the circus.

"And now for the finale, we have the star-crossed lovers, on their most dangerous night. I present to you Archibald, Adeline and the Angel of Death in nox periculosa.

The crowd clapped and cheered as you walked out, squeezing Jaehyun's hand before you let go running to the opposite platform. As you climbed the rungs of the platform you kept your gaze on Jaehyun. He was fine, he looked focused, he had gone into a form autopilot created by countless hours of practice. You took your first leap and swung, feeling at peace Jaehyun caught you and as Doyoung weaved in between you.

It had gone so well throughout that when you reached the final scene and Doyoung placed the blindfold over your eyes, you almost didn't want to breathe. You exhaled and made the run, jumping into the air blind with only the trust that Doyoung would catch you this time. And he did, he caught you, spun you, threw you into the air and caught you again. All as planned.

The trapeze lowered down and Doyoung let go, seconds later you were in Jaehyun's arms. It had gone right, it was all good. You pulled the blindfold off your eyes and gleamed at Jaehyun, who was smiling just as brightly as you. You could hear the roar of the crowd cheering but it was like you were underwater, all you could see was Jaehyun.

"We did it," you whispered to him before you ran to the front to bow. And after a few minutes of everyone bowing and lots of applause the show was over. The chatter of people leaving, buying last snacks and souvenirs played in the background as Taeyoung walked over to meet you all backstage.

"Your officially a circus man now," he said to Jaehyun. "You guys were as good as I hoped, thank you so much all of you and especially you Addie." He knew what he had asked of you, he knew what a feat it was that you had all pulled it off.

You thanked him before walking out with Jaehyun into the night sky. There were less visible stars in the sky in this new location, the distant city lights prevented them from being seen.

"How do you feel?" You asked him.

"Exhilarated," he replied, "it's the second-best feeling I have ever felt."

You looked at him with curiosity.

"What's the first?"

"When I watch the stars with you at night," he said pointing up. It was your turn to have slightly pink cheeks. Jaehyun stopped walking and looked over at you. "I know you love Doyoung, but I just want to be honest, though I think you probably already caught on Dr Watson, I really like you. Like more than just as a friend or a trapeze partner. I don't expect anything from you, I just had to be honest."

He looked down at his shoes before looking back up at the sky again.

"Before I came here, I lived quite recklessly I suppose, the people I was around, we hung out constantly but they weren't real friends, deep down I always felt alone, I don't feel alone with you though, I feel happy." You stared at his face as he made his confession even if he couldn't look at you.��

"So I know that you might not get over Doyoung or that if you do you may not like me but... I just had to tell you, I'm sorry,"

"Stop being sorry all the time." You smiled at him. You turned his face with your hand softly so his wandering gaze was forced to look at you.

"I do love Doyoung, but it has been two years, it's different now, I don't know how to explain it. I do know how to explain about you, however. When I kissed you, I haven't felt like that in forever, when I talk to you I feel calm, I never felt that with Doyoung, I loved him but our relationship was... unstable, we were unstable," You explained.

“I don’t think the kissing could have been your favourite part,” he joked.

As you talked Jaehyun's fingers lightly brushed your own until he linked them together lightly, playing with your fingers like a nervous habit.

"When you came here you didn't talk, I thought you were strange and rude. In reality, you are kinder to me than Doyoung ever was. I can't promise that I can like you back or love you because I honestly don't know, but I do know that I can imagine us together, and it's a really lovely dream."

Jaehyun stepped forward and pulled you into his chest grinning.

“Maybe we are like the stars, we can see each other, but it takes a while for the light we give each other to reach us... we just need to wait for our light.”

You didn’t know what to think, for a while you thought you only saw Jaehyun, at the end of the performance he was certainly all you had seen. But when Jaehyun said goodbye and walked back to his trailer, your mind wondered back to Doyoung. You didn’t want it too, you never had, but it did.

Jaehyun lit up your darkest nights, your star, beautiful and reassuring. Doyoung was destructive to everyone around him, a black hole, consuming the life of everything around him. Once one sucked into a black hole, one can never escape.

***********************************

Doyoung was early for afternoon practise, something you noticed when you saw him leaning against the outside of the tent, eating ice cream. It reminded you of how he had once been, carefree yet always on time.

You forced yourself to smile lightly at him.

“How are you,” you inquired in earnest. Doyoung shrugged,

“Better I suppose… you were really good yesterday, the audience loved it.” He commented, pushing himself up from the ground, “the cheers could be heard for miles.”

“We could only do it because you were there, thank you, for trying,” you replied. Doyoung took a few steps towards you, eyes fixed on yours.

“Maybe, but the cheers were for you nonetheless, you were always the star of the show.” He said, it sounded like it was meant to be a compliment but somehow you felt he intended it as an insult like he was sneering at you.

He moved towards you further, until his face was inches from yours. The rational, part of your brain told you to just walk away, but you were frozen, still trapped under his spell, still falling into his black hole.

To someone watching something enter a black hole, it happens instantaneously, to the person falling in, they continue to fall for eternity, the cursed nature of physics.

Doyoung chuckled sort of sadly, interrupting your thoughts.

“You’re afraid of me y/n,” he observed, “I guess that’s my own fault.” You managed to regain control of your thoughts.

“Yes Doyoung, it is.” You confirmed, before walking past him into the tent. You wanted to look back, to see what expression he had on his face, to see if he cared how much pain he had caused, was still causing. But you couldn’t, because chances are he would still have a blank expression. And you couldn’t have dealt with that. Jaehyun was waiting inside the tent, either he was even earlier than Doyoung, or he had come in another entrance.

“I saw you two talking, I thought best not interrupt,” Jaehyun said, answering your question before you had even said it aloud.

“Let’s just start,” you said, climbing up the rigging towards the top of the tent, “We need to practise the third sequence, it wasn’t quite perfect.” You asserted. It was also the only sequence that you didn’t have to perform with Doyoung in.

“You know that’s bs, we need to do the penultimate sequence,” said Doyoung, who had just walked up behind Jaehyun.

“He’s kinda right Addie,” Jaehyun added. You cursed Jaehyun’s honesty at that moment. The day wasn’t turning out how you planned, but you relented.

“Fine, we’ll do that one, democracy and all.” If Doyoung wanted to earn your forgiveness he was doing an awful job.

The first part of the sequences went fine. You and Jaehyun swung past each other, never quite reaching each other, just as planned. When it came to Doyoung though, something changed, you seemed to have a mental block, you almost never messed up but when you let go of one bar, aiming to grab onto Doyoung’s hand, you missed and fell.

The net caught you, no harm done physically, but you were shocked. You didn’t understand why you had messed up, you hadn’t messed up that particular move in years.

Both Doyoung and Jaehyun rushed down, concern evident on their faces.

“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asked, helping you down from the net. You nodded.

“Yeah I’m fine, there’s a net for a reason.”

Doyoung shook his head,

“We need to check, Addie, can you try and follow my finger please,” he said moving his finger in a cross-motion, “Do you have a headache, do you feel sick,”

You chuckled slightly,

“I’m fine Doyoung really, I don’t have a concussion, there is no way I could have even hit my head anywhere.”

Doyoung ignored you and continued to check for any sign of injury, he moved your arm, asking if it hurt.

It started to dawn on you that Doyoung was checking more for his own peace of mind than yours. You getting injured was clearly still something that worried him a lot.

You put your hands on both sides of his face, forcing him to look at you.

“Calm down, it’s okay, I’m okay, you’re okay, it’s all fine,”

“I’m just gonna give you guys another minute, I need to talk to Haechan anyway,” Jaehyun said, backing away. You looked over Doyoung’s head and mouthed ‘thank you’ to Jaehyun before looking back down at Doyoung.

“Is this why?” you asked him, “Is this why you changed? Fear of people being hurt… I don’t get it, we always knew the dangers of our job, it never bothered you before,”

Doyoung didn’t answer for a while, you sat in silence, your hands still on his cheeks.

“Not really, I don’t think that’s exactly why, no.” He finally replied. You sighed, moving your hands away, running them through your hair.

“Why then, why can’t you even explain why just why?” Your brain wasn’t even fully coherent anymore, you couldn’t seem to get across to Doyoung how desperate you were for answers.

“Explaining won’t make it better, I know I’ve hurt you y/n, and I really am sorry.”

“Fuck you Doyoung. Sorry doesn’t change anything, all I want is for you to tell me why, sorry doesn’t count if you won’t even explain why you are sorry and why you treated me and every one like we didn’t exist for a whole year. You don’t just get to be sorry. You don’t get to kiss that new girl, give me no explanation and then try and tell me you’re sorry, because if you were sorry, you wouldn’t act like this.”

“I still love you y/n,” he said, but he couldn’t look you in the eye.

“At least say it like you mean it,” You chuckled sadly before walking away once again.

Everything had been pretty quiet at the circus throughout the weeks following. Your performance for the recorded show was perfect, even though you had barely talked to Doyoung since.

You felt lonely, you had spent less time with Jaehyun since that day too. Doyoung had started to mend his relationship with the boys much more effectively, he started sitting with everyone at dinner, laughing and chatting as if nothing had changed.

You were glad he was getting better, even if you weren’t fully sure why he had decided to make that choice. But you couldn’t help but resent him for how he treated his return so lightly, how expected you just to get over it, no questions asked.

But you didn’t ever call him out on it, you loved him too much to do anything that would put his recovery from the darkness at risk.

Jaehyun didn’t talk to Doyoung but he always hung out with Haechan, who was always with Doyoung, and as you were avoiding Doyoung, you didn’t spend much time with Jaehyun either. You figured he was giving you space to sort out… everything, which you appreciated but you couldn’t help but feel this loneliness.

*******************************************

It was after dinner one day you decided to just make peace with Doyoung, you decided it was better to have a happy friend than to force him to tell you something he didn’t want to, you figured he would tell you in time.

You actually hadn’t seen him, or Haechan at dinner that day so you ate quickly, wanting to tell him a soon as possible so you could get on with life, so things could return to normal.

When you got outside you saw Haechan talking to him by the costume trailer, they looked like they had been arguing, Doyoung looked angrier than you had seen him in a while. Haechan looked panicked.

You hurried over towards them.

“What’s going on?” You asked.

“You would act all innocent wouldn’t you,” Doyoung sneered. You felt like someone had just punched you. You couldn’t bear the thought that Doyoung was mad with you again. You looked at Haechan expectantly.

“I’m sorry Addie, I didn’t mean to tell him, Jaehyun didn’t even mean to tell me, it's just.” He stopped explaining. Realisation swept over you. Somehow Haechan had told Doyoung what had happened between you and Jaehyun. It was the only explanation, it was the only secret Jaehyun had.

“How can you be mad at me for that?” You protested, “You hadn’t spoken to me in a year, I broke up with you before I had sex with him, I can do what I want Doyoung, I’m an adult woman.”

“Can we talk inside?” Doyoung asked. You wanted to walk away, but you knew you needed to sort it out with him once and for all.

You grabbed his arm and dragged him inside his caravan, shutting the door firmly behind you.

“I thought you still loved me,” he said quietly. His voice sounded say but somehow you didn’t quite believe it.

“I did Doyoung, I loved you so much even after what you did but you ignored me, I cried for months about you, worrying about you. Jaehyun was nothing but kind to me, he’s a great person” you sighed, “I needed someone Doyoung, I needed someone to be there for me, and you weren’t.”

“I love you,” he said, “I need to know if you still love me too,”.

“You know I do, you know I never stopped loving you.” The words felt like a betrayal to Jaehyun, but they were not a lie.

Doyoung said nothing and then suddenly he was kissing you, you could feel how desperate his lips were, you could have pushed him away but you didn’t want to.

You moaned lightly as he began to kiss down your neck, his hands entangled in your hair. He wasn’t as careful as Doyoung, his actions were rougher, more impulsive, but as you both pulled your shirts over your heads and Doyoung kissed you again, pushing you back against his fridge, you didn’t mind.

Your hands travelled down his chest, continuing down until you could feel him through his tracksuit joggers, you carefully slid your hand into his underwear, soliciting a loud moan from Doyoung as you started to pump his length.

“Fuck y/n,” he said, “You don’t know how I have dreamed of feeling this again,” he said. You stopped your motion suddenly, removing your hand. You kissed his lips once, teasing, payback. “You could have always talked to me,” you reminded him.

“I was stupid,” he said, pushing your underwear and shorts down your legs, before tossing them across the room.

“Fuck your panties are wet,” he remarked, even you were surprised by how much your body seemed to want him, it seemed to agree with your fucked up heart. Before you had any more time to think, you felt Doyoung insert two fingers, he didn’t want to make you wait any longer. You tried to hold back your moan, but when Doyoung used his other hand to rub your clit, you couldn’t help it.

Doyoung grinned,

“I love it when you moan for me love,” he said, fucking you with his fingers the same strong pace. You felt dangerously close so when Doyoung brought his lips back to your neck, combined with all his actions, you felt your body move, walls clenching around his fingers as you called out his name,

“Ah, Doyoung.”

“You’re so pretty when you cum for me y/n”.

When you had regained composure slightly you reached your hand back down to Doyoung, pulling the waistband of his underwear down, his cock springing out, hard and pink.

When you ran your tongue lightly alongside his dick, Doyoung moaned quietly, you could already taste the salty pre-cum as you took him into your mouth. You lowered your head down until you could almost feel him hitting the back of your throat.

His grip on you tightened as you began to bob your head up and down, his eyes fixed on the sight of you. You held his hips in place with your hands to stop him rising up to meet you as you began to suck faster, hollowing your cheeks.

You were sure he was close when you stopped your actions entirely.

“You’ve been a bad boy,” you said to him with a smile, “you only get to cum if you fuck me properly,”

“My pleasure love,” Doyoung replied, ushering you to his bed before motioning for you to move onto all fours. He moved behind you, rubbing the tip of his cock against your wetness.

He pushed inside, groaning loudly, before quickly moving back out again, fucking you roughly from the start. His hands pressed into your hips as he thrust in and out relentlessly. It was a hot and quick affair that had you both undone in mere minutes as you clenched around his cock, reaching your high. Doyoung pulled out, you lent back down, sucking him again until he came in your mouth, his warm load, spurting down your throat as you swallowed.

“You’re amazing,” Doyoung said, as you lay down next to him. But you didn’t feel right. While you had enjoyed your experience with Doyoung you realised it wasn’t the same anymore. All you could think about, the second you had stopped was Jaehyun. How you wished you had spent the night with him instead. And thoughts like that weren’t fair to anyone.

Your love with Doyoung had been passionate, explosive, but unstable. As much as you were still attracted to Doyoung, as much as you still cared for him, he wasn’t what you needed any more.

You sat up straight. A split second descion.

“I can’t do this Doyoung,” you said. You had expected him to look angry like before, but he didn’t, “As much as I love you, you don’t make me happy anymore.”

“Jaehyun does,” Doyoung finished for you, even though they were words you were not going to say.

“At least we went out with a bang, pun unintended.” Doyoung joked. But he was right, Doyoung was no longer a black hole pulling you in, he was a supernova, your love had exploded as it died.

You didn’t say anything else to each other as you picked up your clothes and put them back on. You checked your phone, it was 12:30 am.

“Bye Doyoung,” you said, before closing the door to his caravan quietly, trying not to wake anyone up as you walked the short distance back to your caravan.

When you got back to your caravan you swore quietly when you saw Jaehyun sitting on the step outside.

When he saw you got up immediately,

“Haechan told me what happened I wanted to make sure you were…” his voice cut off when he saw you closer through the darkness.

Your heart almost broke when you saw his forlorn expression. The state of your makeup and that fact that you only had one sock on, were clearly good indicators of what you had been doing.

“I’m sorry,” you said. Jaehyun shook his head.

“Don’t be sorry, I knew you still loved him.” He said, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“What if I want to?” you asked.

“I came to see if you were alright Addie, and you are, and I’m happy that things worked out for you, I really am. However, I don’t really want to hear the tale of how or why you fucked Doyoung,” He said.

“I love you too,” You said to him, a tear falling down your face. You could see how conflicted Jaehyun was, Even though he was hurt, he still didn’t want to see you upset. He was too good for you really.

“I said before I would work until you loved me, that is still true Addie, but I also need to wait, I need to wait until you love me more than him, or I will just be setting up my heart to get hurt.” You could almost hear a slight waver in his voice.

He stepped closer to you and kissed your head carefully.

“I can’t put my whole heart towards someone when I don’t even know their name,” he said sadly, “Goodnight Addie.”

He walked off back to his caravan, his figure blending into the darkness. There were no stars lighting up the sky that night and neither the smell of sex or tears comforted you, Jaehyun or Doyoung as you fell asleep.

***************************************

You didn’t have time to wallow the next day, which was probably a good thing. That was something great about the circus, it didn’t give you the time to be sad or down, you just had to keep going for the sake of the team. There was something about hanging from a metal pole twenty feet in the air that just took all the bad thoughts away.

Haechan had proposed a new comedy act the other day. The only comment from the sponsor company had been that the clown act seemed outdated. Haechan had spent all night working out how to make it more interesting. Somehow his more interesting version just seemed to be a version that included more work for everyone else.

He wanted some of the acrobatic people such as you to take part in order to create some slapstick falls.

He had set you up in an exercise where Haechan the clown was trying to get you to go on a date, but you kept falling running away from him. You were meant to be chasing after the good looking Jaehyun instead, which was rather awkward given the situation.

Jaehyun kept trying to avoid any form of eye contact with you, which you understood, it just made working together kind of hard.

You pulled Haechan to the side.

“Is there no way I can work with someone else for this?” you asked him. Haechan looked down at his list, confused as to why you didn’t want to work with Jaehyun.

“Well there’s Doyoung, but I figured you would rather work with Jae,” he said. Between a rock and a hard place you thought, but not really, because working with Doyoung would have definitely been worse.

“Forget it,” you said, walking back to Jaehyun. You had to focus, you only had a day to learn your final part of this before the cameras came to refilm. You decided to practise the part where you fell three times because that didn’t involve Jaehyun.

You continuously flipped yourself into the mat, stood up, fell onto your knees and flipped into the mat again. By the end of the two hours, your knees were bright red and you could tell your arm was going to bruise horribly.

You saw Jaehyun watching you, clearly aware of what you were doing, but you didn’t go over to him. You had no idea what to say to him. He had been right, you needed to work things out in your head properly, unfortunately, your continued action of throwing yourself into the circus floor had not solved your issues.

Jaehyun’s mind had also clearly remained unchanged as he made no effort to speak to you either. He tried unsuccessfully to mask the fact he was staring at you by talking to Johnny, but the fact he was still actively staring at you, not looking at Johnny, sort of gave it away.

When you talked to Johnny at dinner he confirmed as much,

“You need to talk to Jaehyun,” he said, “I have no idea what’s going on between you two but he has been weird all of today.”

“Oh really?” you replied, hoping your acting was slightly better than Jaehyun’s.

“You were staring at him too, even if you were throwing yourself into the ground at the same time,” Johnny replied.

“I’ve been exposed,” you laughed.

Comedy acts didn’t take much time to put together, they mostly rested on Haechan and he had always been a comedy genius so after only four days of practising the piece was ready for the show.

The sponsor company had come to refilm the show, complete with the new act. You had just moved to a busier part of the city you were in, the company thought a bigger crowd would also make for a better video.

What wouldn’t make for a better video was your own trapeze act. You had not spoken to Jaehyun or Doyoung in those four days, nor had any of you practised together. Haechan had made it abundantly clear that he thought ‘one of you is going to die.’

While that was certainly a slight bit dramatic, he was right in the sense that the act could easily go wrong.

The comedy act was okay, you and Jaehyun managed to act well together despite the circumstances, even if you couldn’t look him in the eye. Unfortunately, all of the self-throwing must have damaged your ankle, as when you made your last final fall you felt it twist, hard.

You winced, visible to Jaehyun right next to you, but luckily not the crowd a few metres back. Jaehyun grabbed your arms and carefully dragged you away, pretending to chuckle as if he had finally won as if it was a part of the act.

The second you were out of view he leant down, picking you up, before moving you away to where you could both speak away from the stage.

“What happened?” he asked, the concern evident on his face, the anger he had towards you momentarily forgotten.

“I was never one for comedy,” you joked, knowing the irony of it. Jaehyun got up for a second and came back moments later with a small green medical kit that had been hanging on the wall a few meters away.

He opened it, rustling around, before finding the ice pack he had been looking for. There was thankfully many a spare costume lying around which Jaehyun wrapped round the icepack before placing it on your foot.

“We are fucked.” He said. You looked down him confused.

“Why?”

“Well… we are the most important act, and with a foot that swollen, you cannot perform, we have to grab you by the leg, you have to jump, you have to hang – you will do permanent damage.” He explained.

“I was permanently damaged a long time ago,” you smirked, “And a small injury will not stop me performing, worry not Jaehyun.”

“Surely you can’t be allowed to, there must be rules regulations?” he asked.

“This is an underfunded circus, not Cirque de Soleil, not the Olympics, nobodies checking if we follow said regulations. The circus needs this video, after that, we get the money we need, that is more important than my bloody foot injury, there is always another performer Jaehyun, you proved that. However, there is not another tonight.”

Jaehyun shook his head,

“Why do you pick yourself to be the one thing you don’t care about, don’t look after,” he asked, the sadness in his eyes was almost unbearable to see. So you stopped looking at him.

You stared at the distant lights of the circus ring instead.

“The circus is me, I am the circus. I am nothing without it.”

“That’s not true, you are…” He stopped.

“I am Addie, the trapeze Juliet, and no one else and for Adeline, the show must always go on.” You said, grabbing some bandages out of the box Jaehyun had found and standing up, feeling the shooting pain it caused in your foot and ignoring it.

“Just because you won’t tell me your name doesn’t mean you don’t have one,” Jaehyun called after you when you walked away.

“Maybe I’ll break a leg,” You replied, “literally.”

You stopped outside the tent where there was a bench for getting changed, surrounded by a curtain of sorts. You sat down on the bench, sighing as you felt the pain in your leg once again.

Jaehyun hadn’t been wrong, performing with this sort of injury ran the high risk of permanent injury. It also had the chance of having no issues at all, it could all be fine in three or so hours. Without your performance, the circus had a one hundred per cent chance of shutting down – to you it wasn’t even a contest.

You wrapped the bandages tightly around your foot, you knew about first aid, you knew how best to support it. You fixed it in place with some sports tape lying on the ground before getting your costume out that you had left, in order to get changed for the trapeze performance.

You were just about to open the curtain when you heard to voices arguing outside.

“We can’t let her just like… break her leg!” you heard someone protest, realising it was Jaehyun.

“I have two things to say,” You heard, to your own surprise, Doyoung reply, “Firstly, she is a grown woman she can do what she wants, even if you disagree. Second I don’t even object, people perform slightly injured all the time around here.”

“Am I the only one who cares enough about her to not want her to get injured. I get the circus has really helped you all, it helped me, but people are more important than this fucking circus.” Jaehyun replied angrily.

Doyoung said nothing.

You exhaled before throwing the curtain open and walking over, the pain in your leg already fading.

“Just chill Jaehyun,” you said, as you got closer, only leaning to one side slightly as you made your way over. “It already hurts less, it will really be fine.”

Jaehyun unfolded his arms, pinching the bridge of his nose as he looked up at the sky above.

“I just really don’t want to see you get hurt,” Jaehyun said.

You breathed in sharply. Fuck it, you thought as you stepped forward, wrapping your arms around Jaehyun’s shoulders.

“I know you’re mad at me,” you said. His body has frozen, one arm by his side, one in the air, totally still, “but I don’t want you to worry, if I thought I was really at risk I wouldn’t do that.”

You didn’t really know why you were hugging him, or what you thought that would achieve. Reassurance maybe?

Jaehyun’s body finally caught up with his brain when he moved, pushing your arms away and stepping back. He didn’t say anything before walking back into the tent. You knew he was still annoyed, why wouldn’t he be. Just because he cared about you didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt.

You refocused. The performance started in ten minutes. You started stretching and warming up. Doyoung was still standing a few metres away.

“I think he’s mad at you,” he joked, “I wonder why, it can’t just be the foot thing.”

You gave him a sharp look.

“Take a fucking guess Doyoung.” You said, eyes looking dead at him.

“Ah because you sort of still love me but also don’t,” he said, the joking look gone from his face.

“It doesn’t matter I don’t think you or me is in the mental place to be finding new relationships anyway,” you asserted. Doyoung shrugged.

“Performance time, Adeline,” Taeyong cut in, walking past you both. You looked away from Doyoung, picked up your stuff and walked back into the tent.

The crowd was clapping and cheering, you could hear the laughter even from outside. Haechan had become funnier on all accounts seemingly.

Standing in the wing, waiting to go on you could see Jaehyun’s eyes glistening in the lights on the other side of the tent. Doyoung walked up next to him, both of them standing side by side.

They both looked ethereal in their costumes, they were dressed like angels so it made sense. But Jaehyun… maybe because he was wearing white, but you didn’t think that was it… Jaehyun shone. He was like the brightest star in the sky.

The music started and you ran, the pain in your foot faded into the background. You lifted into the air on the trapeze and you flew. And Jaehyun caught you. And Doyoung caught you. And the crowd clapped when it was over.

Taeyong walked into the ring, he thanked everyone for coming, he thanked the sponsor. But you barely heard a word. You were still looking at Jaehyun. His once sad face looked exhilarated after performing, he had become a real circus star.

Taeyong had put on a party to thank everyone for the hard work they put in. You were on an adrenaline high, confused and sad. Something you used as an excuse to get blackout drunk.

Johnny looked alarmed as you downed another shot.

“Whoah there, you good?” he asked.

“Absolutely not!” you slurred back. Johnny laughed.

“Fair enough.”

You stumbled around a bit, talking to people here and there, none of them Jaehyun. You were annoyed that your antics hadn’t gained his attention yet. You knew it was selfish, that he had every right to what to keep his distance.

You wanted to be near him though, without him you felt like your life wasn’t quite what it needed to be, you needed your guiding star.

Instead, you saw Doyoung making out with a random girl. You felt a severe rage build inside of you. It could have been the alcohol or the fact that Doyoung seemed to be able to move on, in less than a week.

“Dickhead!” you screamed in his general direction before you could stumble closer. The girl quickly made an exit, she clearly wasn’t the kind of person who wanted to get in the middle of somebody else’s issue.

“How can you be mad?” Doyoung asked. “You broke it off with me!”

You stopped about two feet in front of him, bringing your arm up and poking him in the chest.

“I waited a year, a year, to move on from you, you take a week, is this a joke?” you shouted, infuriated.

“You’re drunk,” Doyoung said, trying to brush you off.

“I may be drunk, but I can still process thoughts, I am mad, alcohol or not,” you clarified.

“I just don’t think it’s a big deal,” Doyoung said, “You can go kiss Jaehyun, I don’t care.”

“Did you even still like me?” You asked, “When we had sex, you said you still loved me, but if you got over me this fast, I just don’t believe that can be true.”

“I said what I thought you wanted me to say,” he replied. That was it for you, you couldn’t forgive him saying that. It was like something in you just broke. All the time you spent, all the time you wasted. You ruined your relationship with Jaehyun just for someone who didn’t even love you.

You weren’t in love with him anymore, but you still loved Doyoung, Doyoung never seemed to care about you though. That was the person you had caused Jaehyun pain for. You broke inside, you were drunk and angry.

You took the bottle of vodka you were holding in your hand and smashed it straight over Doyoung’s head, causing him to fall to the ground, blood leaking from his forehead. You screamed, not believing what you had just done.

“Help!” You screamed, pulling your jumper over your head and pressing it against Doyoung’s forehead where it was bleeding.

Johnny and Jaehyun ran over.

“What happened Addie?” Johnny asked, but you couldn’t answer, you had begun to bawl uncontrollably.

“Ambulance,” was all you could say, “call an ambulance.”

Jaehyun pulled out his phone and dialled for the emergency services.

Johnny took over holding the jumper against Doyoung’s head. By now Haechan and Taeyong were both there, Haechan was trying to get people to move back to give Doyoung and Johnny more space.

You were crouching beside them both now silent as tears streamed down your face, in shock. You couldn’t believe what you had done, you wanted to hurt him… but you didn’t want to hurt him.

Jaehyun got off the phone.

“They said ten minutes. Try and keep him awake.” He said. Johnny nodded.

“Doyoung? Can you hear me?” he asked, “what happened?”

Doyoung was half asleep when he replied,

“Addie hit me, not her fault…”

Johnny turned around and looked at you.

“What the fuck did you do?” he asked which only caused you to start to cry harder. All the shit you had been dealing with for over a year, you were dealing with it now, in one explosion of emotion.

“Jaehyun, can you just,” Johnny said pointing to where you were panic-crying. Jaehyun nodded, he leant down and picked you up,

“It’s okay,” he said to you, trying to calm you as he carried you away. You couldn’t stop the tears from falling continuously, so Jaehyun carried you the whole way back to your caravan, a two-minute walk away from the scene with Doyoung.

“I did something terrible,” you whispered when he set you down on your sofa. Jaehyun didn’t say anything in reply. He just reached over and undid your laces, pulling your trainers off, before walking over to your kettle and turning it on, pulling out two tea bags.

As the kettle boiled he found a blanket in your cupboard and wrapped it around your shoulders.

“What happened?” he asked quietly, as he sat down, pushing your tea towards you, before taking a sip of his own.

You wiped your eyes on the blanket.

“I hit him over the head with a vodka bottle.”

“Why?” Jaehyun asked, knowing you wouldn’t have done anything for no reason.

“He said that the day we … you know… that he only said he loved me because that’s what I wanted to hear. He was making out with a girl you see and it just made me angry. I wasted a year of my life waiting for him… he moved on in three days. He didn’t even love me that day, yet I hurt you, who did love me.” You explained.

“I guess it was just all the anger I ever felt towards him came out, it was stupid,” you admitted, a tear falling into your tea.

“You’re not stupid for feeling how you feel,” Jaehyun said.

“I did something really bad.”

“Doesn’t make you a bad person, you taught me that,”

“Using my own words against me,” you managed to chuckle, “Do you think he will be okay?”

Jaehyun nodded.

“Johnny texted me, he’s in the ambulance with Doyoung, he’s going to survive at least.”

“That’s not the best outcome,” you said, tears falling down your face again.

“It’s also not the worst outcome,” Jaehyun reassured you.

“Yes. Thank God I’m not a murderer.”

Jaehyun didn’t know what to reply to that. You both sat in silence for a while just drinking your cups of tea.

“He kind of deserved it overall,” Jaehyun joked, trying to make you feel better, “You’re even now, both of you have severely injured the other.” Except Doyoung hadn’t dropped you intentionally. Jaehyun watched you sadly, he didn’t ask any more questions, he just sipped his tea and waited for you to talk, he knew you wanted to say something, he was just waiting for you to say it.

You both got a text from Johnny: DY fine. He has an internal head injury but Dr says it will heal on its own within a few weeks. He doesn’t need surgery. He can’t perform trapeze anytime soon though.

“I destroyed the circus I worked so hard to save,”

“There are always other performers,” Jaehyun argued, again using your own words against you.

“I guess I just tried so hard to be something better at the circus, but Adeline clearly isn’t any better than the old me.” You confessed, “She got into the wrong relationship, resorted to violence and anger just like the old me did. Adeline isn’t any better than me.”

Jaehyun placed his cup down on the table and stared at you, dead in the eye.

“You’re the same person, you are not some character, you are not actually a star crossed lover thwarted by the devil. Not telling people your name, doesn’t make you not you.” Jaehyun said, “You are just you, good and bad, you’re a beautiful and talented person. Today you made a mistake but then we all make mistakes. You are a person, not a flawless character.”

You thought about what he was saying. Maybe he was right. Maybe part of your problem was that you were trying to distance yourself for your past, you couldn’t learn, you couldn’t grow because you never even accepted your past.

You reached your hand out across the table for Jaehyun to shake,

“Nice to meet you Jaehyun,” you said, he looked confused for a second before you continued, “I’m y/n.”

He was surprised, he took a few seconds to understand what you had just said, murmuring your name under his breath, before he could properly reply you continued.

“I am y/n and I joined the circus when I was 19. I joined the circus because when I was 18 I had this deadbeat boyfriend, though I didn’t realise it at the time. I had been dating him for just over and he treated me like I meant nothing. It wasn’t that he physically hurt me or anything but he was emotionally abusive. He controlled every aspect of my life, made me feel like I meant nothing.

One night we went to watch the circus, it was one of the nights I remember him be actually nice to me. He bought me popcorn and we saw the acrobats twirl and we laughed at the clowns.

I saw the smile on the Ringmaster’s face, I saw his pride in his show. I looked at my life at that moment and realised there was nothing I was proud of. All I had was a boyfriend that mistreated me. He was all I had and I couldn’t even be proud of him.

That night I managed to get him to let me go to the toilet without him waiting outside for me. I didn’t go to the toilet though. I went to the back of the tent and found the Ringmaster where he had just finished his show. I asked him if I could join the circus.”

Jaehyun looked like he was about to cry but got you to continue,

“What did he say?”

“Well seeing as we are here right now he said yes. But more specifically he asked me why I wanted to join the circus. I said I wanted to do something I could be proud of. I explained that I was hiding from my boyfriend also, but that was only part of my problem. So he said yes, Taeyong said yes.”

Jaehyun got up from where he was sitting across from you and moved to sit down next to you pulling you into a hug.

“And you said you hadn’t got better y/n, you must be kidding.” He said, “Look at everything you have to be proud of now, you are a talented performer, you have so many great friends, who respect you so much, your trapeze act saved a circus.”

You shook your head, leaning into his arms.

“I also have temperament issues and assaulted a man, a man who was my boyfriend who still didn’t ever really respect me.”

Jaehyun brushed his hand through your hair, looking up at the stars through your skylight.

“You are negative marking yourself – you are taking away points for the bad things, instead of adding points for the many more good things. Even back then Addie… I mean y/n you said you had nothing to be proud of, yet you were brave enough to pull yourself out of an abusive relationship. That was something to be proud of.”

“You are too kind,” you said to him, looking into his brown eyes. Yet he was so sincere you couldn’t help but believe his words.

“That is your fault, if you really have one, is not believing enough in you. You found the good in me, once you even found it in Doyoung, now just recognise it in you.”

He kissed your forehead.

“You always talk about how I am your star and Doyoung was a black hole, but you don’t realise y/n – that it is you, you’re the star of the show. You’re certainly the star of my show.”

You leant up the last few inches and kissed Jaehyun on the lips, just for a second. The most innocent of kisses but to both of you, it was more powerful than anything.

“That’s the final thing I am proud of,” you said, “the one thing you missed on your list.” You explained.

Jaehyun looked confused,

“What, but I said that you were a great performer.”

You cut him off.

“No, I meant loving you. I am proud to say I love you Jaehyun because I finally love someone who is really worth loving, who loves me just as much if I can be bold enough to say it and someone who respects me. You really are my north star, a light to guide me home.”

“We talk about stars a lot,” Jaehyun joked as you settled your head back into his shoulder.

“Because that’s what we are,” you joked back, “as you said – the stars of the show.”

#nct #nct scenarios #jaehyun #nct jaehyun #nct doyoung #jaehyun smut #doyoung smut #doyoung #kim doyoung #jaehyun scenarios #nct smut #doyoung scenarios #nct imagines #nct 127 #jung jaehyun

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kpopismylifenow · 5 years ago

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Lots of tea spilt today huh?😅

Ok so on a more serious note If you havn't seen it basically Chan finally addressed the Woojin situation(indirectly of course) on vlive: "I know a person who faced the worst consequence by making alot mistakes and those mistakes affected the people around them.....If you make a promise with a team.... you really need to be responsible and keep those promises and not break them.....its okay to make mistakes but remember to think of the people around you and your future your dreams because the actions and decisions you make can be a really big turning point in your life......Dont be the person who only thinks about himself because that's kind of like betrayal.....think about the people around you and dont be selfish"

Now I feel like I'm always talking about Woojin at this point but this will be my last post on it (unless we get another update) so as I stated in previous posts I would not support a Woojin solo career unless we got clarification on what actually happened. And although we still dont know what happened based on what Chan addressed we now know Woojin did Something. It confirms my suspicion and knowing now that departing was a consequence of whatever action(s) he decided to make, my opinion on his solo career still stands, however that's not the point of this post.

Look ever since his departure Stays have been grieving because there was no closure, because it was sudden, because we didn't know anything. There've been speculations since day 1 as to why he left, rumors, people constantly bringing him up asking why and now it's finally been addressed (of course it was indirectly as I doubt he was even suppose to bring up in the first place) but he did. Why? Because he trusts his fans, he trusts Stays to take this information as closure but all I've seen you guys do is choose sides! Yeah we now know Woojin made mistakes which lead to his leaving but that's not an excuse to throw hate on him. Enough to stop supporting him? Absolutely. Enough to throw hate? Absolutely Not. Whether we want to admit it or not he was once part of the team, he was part of the family, and yeah he caused alot hurt, but he also gave us many good memories and I don't want Stays to forget that. Chan told us because he thought we deserved to know, because he trusts us, (and honestly he also probably wanted to vent) but to see that trust not go both ways? To see Stays now turning on him because he "threw shade"? That's completely missing the point. Look at context, look at everything this band, this fandom has been through. They were always seen as close, as nine, and to suddenly not be that? To have to pretend that everthings normal, that nothing happened, the band that seemed to tell us everything suddenly not being able to say anything? That puts on a lot of pressure, so to finally gain enough trust again, to open up about a situation your not even allowed to acknowledge and do it anyway? That just shows how much he cares and for people to turn into something else is just saddening. I get that's its hard to accept, we all wanted them to have left on good terms, for it not to have been anyone's fault but unfortunately that's not reality. I know it's difficult, again they always appeared so close, we were all like family, but we have to acknowledge that mistakes were made, they were dealt with, they have finally been brought to light and now we have to move on. And what better timing than in their anniversary? To come clean and start fresh on the very day they were created? To each move onto their own path and start a brand new year as 8. And yeah it hurts, it will for a while, but I dont think this was coincidence, it was brought up for a reason, closure, acceptance, moving on. It's a brand new start for Stray Kids, for Stays and it's time we accepted that. Yes it was nine or none, the number 9 will always mean something it will always be in our memories but that's where it has to stay. It was nine but now it's eight and we as Stays have to face that and it's going to be tough but we have to overcome that

Stray Kids are Eight.

Woojin is just a soloist.

We need to move on.

#stray kids #woojin #chan #skz #this is my final post on the matter and i hope everyone can come to. terms and just stop hating

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wolfandsheep200 · 4 years ago

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Chapter 4: A loss of personalized freedom. A Promotion of Rank.

Neopoilitan walked in silence alongside Mercury Black all the way to Salem's Throne Room. Once, at the door which separated them from Her Majesty. Mercury stepped foward. His left hand raised to knock. Before He could however. Neopoilitan reached over and in the briefest of instances squeezed Mercury's right hand. The movement was so slight on her part. That if a body wasn't specifically looking for an interaction between these two. This small jester of solidarity would have gone unnoticed. Mercury's left hand hung suspended in the air before the door for what felt like an impossibility long time. Then as if everything around them started moving again. Mercury completed the knock. The door opened with a vooming hissing sound. As if the fresh air from the hallway was flooding into the vacuumed chamber. Neopoilitan having fulfilled her assignment, turned and begun to make her leave. Neopoilitan made it several steps down the hall before quietly crumbling into a pile of dust. Mercury closed his gray eyes. Wherever the corporal body of Neopoilitan was right now. She was in trouble. Her aura field had just broken. And as a consensus, her after image clone had turned to dust. Instead of shattering the way one of Neopoilitan illusion should have. If an assailant had broken the illusion, through an attack. All Mercury could do now was hope his friend was okay. And that none of those he worked with saw what he had just witnessed. Mercury gathered himself faced foward and stood silently in the doorway. Until Salem finally acknowledged his presence.

"Are you going to stand there forever child? Are our you going to come inside?"

Just awaiting your personal invitation. Your Grace. Mercury replied. Before bowing his head and entering Her Throneroom. Mercury walked in kneeling before Salem. Cinder always kneeled with her left knee to the floor. And Cinder was Mercury's Client. So Mercury imitated his client actions. To a T. Kneeling with his left knee touching the floor.

"There's no need for that, at this moment." Salem announced. "Rise!"

Mercury rose to his feet. His eyes immediately picking a spot on the floor ahead of him and gluing themselves there. Salem had only told him he could stand in her presence. She hadn't issued him any directive stating he could lay his eyes on her royal Visage.

"Do you know why I summoned you before me?" Salem asked.

"I do not presume to know the inner workings of your mind. Your grace. " Mercury answered.

Mercury's Father Marcus Black. Had trained his Son from early childhood on how to respond when dealing with clientele of all sorts.

"For all people from all ways of life have a need to utilized our services. And from time to time you'llbe throwna curveball. A pitch so drastically different from anything you've ever seen before. That you won't know how to cope. That is the reason for learning this Mercury. Because one day.. I won't be there to hold your hand and it will behoove you to understand how to conduct yourself in those intimate circles. That our clients walk in."

And so that Mercury learned this lesson and many more just like it. Marcus ensured that simple things. Such as, Mercury would have no miscommunication, or indirect understanding on how to react. When One was to speaking to Royalty. To ensure this. Marcus had laid Mercury's failures to do so correctly. Bare and in numerous presence across his back. Only now at this moment could Mercury see the need for what his father had been trying to teach him.

"I summoned you before me." Salme began. "Because I believe Cinder has failed to obey Me. Earlier Cinder came before me with concerns that Atlas would get communications between themselves and the rest of the world up and running. She asked if she could take a small contingent and quell this heriecy before it has a chance to begin. I gave her specific instructions to ignore their vain attempt to raise the alarm and under no circumstances was she to leave my Castle. Without my expressed authority. Now I fear Cinder has bluntly disobeyed me. And as a consequence of this action she will have to be punished." Salem paused. Waiting to get a reaction from him. Mercury denied her the satisfaction. He was not Emerald he was not going to be baited. Instead Mercury doubled down focusing all his attention on that spot on the floor. As if it was the most interesting object in the world. Finally seeing that she'd get no rise from the young man before her. Salem asked a question. So I wish for you to presume for me. "What do you think I'm going to do?"

Mercury gathered his thoughts before speaking everthing he was to say had to make some logical scene if he was to help Cinder.

"Frist off." He began. I'd like to say I appreciate your candor. So often an underling is called in to receive punishment for the mistakes of their employer's and those handing down the punishments. Never even have the decency to let those being punished to even know why. All I have is one question.

Salem chuckled amused. Particularly interested to see where this line of thought ended its destination. Right now the young man before her. Was believing she meant to take her displeasure with Cinders behavior out on him.

"And what question would that be?" She asked

Am I just going to be beaten and maimed, or should I be putting my affairs in order?"

Somehow this question stopped Salem. Stopped her dead in her tracks. The young Man had just calmly and nonchalantly implied that Salem should kill him in order to send a message to one of her followers. Who was this young man and where had he come from?

"No nothing like that. Salem said The kind of punishment I've got in mind won't have anyone who serves me spilling unnecessary blood. For today at least. Try again.

Mercury thought about it for a moment. "If the punishment you have in mind isn't going to include violence then. I can only assume you wish to personalize it to Cinder based off information you already know about her. And therefore without having access to that same vein of information. I would be unable to ever properly make an accurate assessment capable of pleasing your grace.

"Your words our wise. Clearly Cinder has vision in her employ. Vision I'd prefer to have in my own. And so I shall." Salem clapped her hands together. Mercury still refused to look up. If he had he would have seen a smug grin pass across her radiant features. "Mercury former disciple of Cinder. I am personally promoting you to the the inner circle. No longer will you apply your trade in Cinders employ. From now on you will only take orders from me and no one else. And in return I shall provide you with the riches of the world. That is a vague promise Mercury though in my world people like myself sing contracts and we don't break them. Without your ink on paper and Cinders ink relinquishing me from my terms of service I cannot enter into a contract with you. So telling me I now work for you is kind of pointless. Yet Mercury said none of this. Infact he said the direct opposite. Seeing an opportunity to save Cinder from any real repercussions.

"I am honored and greatfuly humbled by how you have chosen to place your trust in me. I hope that the promotion of myself a former underlying to Cinder Fall. Will have the intended effect of letting her know anyone can be promoted or demoted at any given time and she will quickly fall back into line.

Salem was somehow less than pleased with this answer. Yet couldn't understand why. And that irrated her to no end.

"Go now." Salem announced. And await my further orders I have big plans for you." Mercury walked outside as soon as the door was closed he kicked the dust pile left behind by Neopoilitan. Until the evidence was throughly scattered.

This has been Chapter 4: A Loss of Personalized Freedom. A promotion of rank. This chapter was written by Wolf and Sheep 200 and is a work of fan fiction. As always please feel free to leave a comment. I look foward to hearing them. And merry Christmas. Peace out for now.

#mercury black #neopolitan #salem rwby

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dxmedstudent · 5 years ago

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On contraceptives and medicine...

Occasionally you come across threads online where people seem to think that contraceptives are some kind of medical conspiracy. There’s a narrative that ‘medicine doesn’t know ANYTHING about women’s problems so medicine is useless and doctors don’t know anything’. There’s still been a lot of research; not enough but that’s true of many conditions. Whilst there’s a very real gap in research and accommodation when it comes to women, how it is depicted is often simplistic. We do need more research, but in the meantime we need to encourage people to make use of what we have now to empower themselves. As a woman, I have to make do with what we have now, whilst I encourage medicine to do better. Science and medicine hasn’t always served women, but it’s something that is slowly being addressed. Yes, contraceptives also have a checquered past. A lot of medicines have a dodgy and far from illustrious past; we can’t realistically throw out everything in history with a less than perfect past. On an individual level, some people have horrible experiences with doctors. We need to hold people to account if they are failing their patients and work on better training for new doctors if current training is lacking. I, too, haven’t always been ideally served as a patient. As a woman and doctor, I think this is harmful because it dissuades people from seeking help. If you keep hearing that nobody is any good, and that nobody knows anything anyway, why would you bother? We need to encourage people to educate themselves and empower them to look for doctors who can listen and help, not spread the idea that it’s useless. So there are a few ideas that I think it would help to clear up: Asking about your sexual health is part of holistic healthcare It is wrong for a doctor to assume that a young person (or person of any age) should be sexually active. I’ve had chats like that as a patient when I was younger and it’s awkward because you shouldn’t have to explain why you aren’t sexually active; it’s enough for that to simply be a choice you’ve made. And it shouldn’t be treated as a weird thing. However, it’s not wrong for a doctor to ask if someone is sexually active; sexual health is part of holistic care. I’ve seen people literally say ‘doctors asume we’re all sluts’ or ‘doctors are patronising by assuming I don’t know all about sex’. I can’t argue if someone feels that their doctor took a patronising tone they need to improve on. But asking if someone is having sex of any sort is not assuming that you’re promiscuous, and it does not inherently have to be a value judgement. It’s covering the fact that many (actually most) people are sexually active at some point, and the vast majority of people are sexually active before marriage. A good healthcare professional shouldn’t care at all whether you are having sex before marriage (or at all); it should be a neutral topic to them. Their only care should be; does what you are doing fulfil you, and how can they make it as safe as possible. If a doctor is being judgemental, that’s on them, and that’s bad care. But being judgemental is not an integral part of the process. And that’s part of your health care that especially needs covering if you go to see a doctor about your reproductive organs. It’s also important for healthcare professionals not to assume how much you know about your reproductive tract, sexual health or contraception. We all have a different amount of knowledge and different experiences; if their manner is off, that’s frustrating and they need to work on that, but that does not make it wrong to try to ensure that you’re starting from a good foundation. I’ve talked to patients with a very wide range of understanding of their bodies - our jobs as clinicians are to ensure that whatever someone’s baseline knowledge is, we can relay information in a way that suits them, rather than with jargon.

PIV is not the only form of sex We also need to abolish this idea that there is ‘the Sex’ and ‘everthing but’ as if they are two wholly separate patterns of behaviour. Sex of any sort is part of the spectrum of sexual behaviour. It doesn’t matter if the P hasn’t hit the V; sexually transmissible infections are still a thing, as long as any bits get anywhere near genitals and body fluids have a way of getting... everywhere. Sex, even playing around, is a messy process. I’ve definitely seen a few posts in these threads with the theme of ‘well I wasn’t virginal, but I was technically a virgin’ - it doesn’t matter and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself in terms of how far you did or didn’t get. Holistic care would still recommend the discussion of contraception and limiting the risks of infection transmission, if you have any sexual activity with someone. You can still be a ‘technical virgin’ and be at risk of STIs, and therefore in certain contexts that’s still an appropriate discussion for clinicians to have with you. That’s not to say that people don’t often have important reasons for enjoying different kinds of sexual activities at different times in their lives; you’re not accountable to anyone for your choices and it’s your body. But I feel that in some of these posts I detect an underlying theme of ‘ well, what I was doing wasn’t real sex, so don’t lump me with those slutty people having premarital sex’.

I mean, it’s pretty weird - someone could be playing around with their partner and as long as they stop short of PIV, it’s considered acceptable, but PIV is taboo - but all the other things are also pretty intimate, and, also well, still sex. You can put yourself through all sorts of mental gymnastics about ‘real sex’ versus ‘everything else’ to justify things, but in the end it’s all pretty similar. You’ve got intimacy and body fluids going on.

You don’t have to have Sex (TM) to be at risk of infections. And infections aren’t something to be ashamed of, or a sign that you’re promiscuous, or even that your partner has been promiscuous; all it takes is for them to have been with one other person in their lives. And frankly, it’s ridiculous that someone can have had sex with exactly (1) other person in the context of a loving relationship and be labelled slutty. I know these threads are often in the context of US conservative Christian marriages, but sex outside of heteronormativity exists, and protection is still very necessary even in those situations. Most people these days are having extramarital sex, regardless of their orientation, and medical care needs to reflect that. So you may be asked questions about the other kinds of sex you are having, if it’s relevant. Vaccines are important and STIs don’t come with warning labels. The HPV vaccine is important. I’m glad my GP told me of a prescribing loophole through which she could prescribe it for me; I was a little older than the cut-off, but I had never been sexually active, and she knew that it was important to protect as many people as possible. The vaccine itself isn’t 100% but it’s better than nothing, given that HPV is almost ubiquitous. 8/10 people will catch it, and condoms are only about 70% successful at preventing spread, so if you have sex with anyone, there’s a good chance you might get it. Saying “I don’t need the vaccine because I only ever plan to have sex with one person” is risky and badly thought out. Because it relies on that other person never having had sexual contact with anyone else, ever, and I don’t think it’s fair to place that expectation on a partner. And if they know there’s that expectation, what’s to stop them from lying? Anyone is entitled to refuse vaccination, of course. It’s a free country. But refusing a vaccination is never without risks, which are almost always greater than those of the vaccine themselves. Cervical cancer is horrible and people can die young, and treatments can affect your ability to carry pregnancies. Plus, genital warts are nasty, and if you can decrease the risk of both, why not? The cervical cancer vaccine carries a stigma specifically because it relates to sexual activity. Whilst we’re at it, there’s no such thing as ‘I know my partner doesn’t have STIs’. This simply does not exist. You can’t 100% know for certain that your partner has never had sexual contact with another person - if you’re in a cultural situation where people expect their partner to be a virgin, you’re also in a situation where people are motivated to lie if they fall short of this expectation to cover their reputation. And if they have been with anyone, then you don’t know if they could have caught something. Hey, I’ve seen a lot of penises and vulvas, and although I can say that someone looks healthy or normal, that’s not guarantee of not having infections. For example, chlamydia and gonorrhoea are often symptomless but can damage fertility, and HIV can often go years without any symptoms or problems. Unless someone has tested negative (and they haven’t slept with anyone new in that incubation window period), then you just don’t know. You also can’t 100% know that your partner isn’t cheating or has never cheated. Now, on a personal level, we all have to believe our partner is honest; that’s how relationships work, through trust. So I’m not going to tell you to assume your partner is doing the dirty on you. But on a statistical level? Cheating partners cause significant spread of sexually transmitted disease, particularly if they have sex with sex workers. This is something that happens around the world, in conservative as well as liberal environments. So even if you never plan to sleep wth anyone else, sometimes you can still suffer the consequences of someone else’s risky behaviour. It’s not fair and it’s not nice, but in healthcare we have to deal with that reality. That’s also why the vaccine remains relevant even in conservative communities. On a statistical level, even in communities where promiscuity or sex outside marriage is discouraged, it isn’t nonexistant. Contraceptives are valid medical treatments, but nobody HAS to use them. Particular kinds of hormonal contraceptives tend to be effective and frontline treatments for hormonally treating particular conditions; for example PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids. It’s perfectly fine to want to explore the options, from doing nothing, to managing as conservatively as possible, to considering operations (if possible), to hormonal treatments, etc. You’re allowed to decide to not do something, or to choose how aggressively you want to treat something. Some people seem to be frustrated that doctors can’t offer many non-hormonal treatments. But that’s partly because many problems relating to the gynaecological system are affected by your hormonal cycle. A lot of what goes on with that system is closely tied up with our hormones. The way we make endometriosis less bad is by stopping periods. The way we make PCOS less of an issue is by managing hormones. Depending on the problem, sometimes there are non-hormonal treatments that can help with symptoms (for example, there are medications for painful or heavy periods, or acne that aren’t hormonal), but they can’t inherently change what is going on there.

I know there’s a lot of concern from some people about the effect of hormonal contraceptives, and I think that concern about the longterm effects of any treatment is reasonable. There are risks associated with hormonal contraceptives. And more research on long term effects of any medicaiton should always be welcomed. But I do wonder in this case how much of that concern is tied up with the taboo surrounding sex, particularly if it’s ‘consequence free’ as some people describe it.

There are lots of reasons why people might not want to use hormonal contraception, and in the end nobody has to. They are simply a choice. Some people can’t get on with the side effects, some don’t like the risks involved, some have religious objections, some people just don’t want to take tablets or stick things into their bodies. It’s your choice, and it’s all valid. But it’s not valid to trash that choice for other people, or to imply anyone who lives differently is degenerate. There’s a lot of judgement in these threads.

Contraceptives do not turn women into a sex object. Contraceptives do not objectify women by turning them into a sex object. I’ve seen people suggest that they only exist so women can be consequence free receptacles of sex for men and are therefore inherently tools of the patriarchy. For people claiming that contraceptives objectify women, these people are literally embodying women as semen receptacles with no agency of their own and having the audacity to pretend they are feminist. Women have agency. They are people. They do not become sex objects because they choose to have sex. They do not become sex objects because they have ‘conseqence free’ sex. Regardless of whether that sex is in marriage, or not. And with one partner, or many. The funny thing is that initially ontraceptives were only prescribed to married women with their husbands’ permission; society very clearly didn’t want to give women the ability to control their own reproductive choices. Even historically, they weren’t about turning women into objects, but allowing married women the ability to choose when to plan their family. Nowadays, contraceptives allow anyone with a uterus/ovary combination the ability to control if they menstruate or are likely to get pregnant. That’s it. They don’t force you to have sex or dictate the kind of relationship you have with penis-havers. You know what happened before we had contraceptives? Women still had sex. Men, when they wanted to, still pressured women into sex and raped them. Husbands still had sex with their wives. Women still had sex outside of wedlock, sometimes willingly, sometimes through force. They just... didn’t have as many options to prevent pregnancy or prevent the transmission of disease, so they had to deal with the stigma of having sex outside of marriage, or carrying an illegitimate child; consequences that men never had to deal with. And that doesn’t seem to have stopped many men through the years doing what they like, no matter what the social consequences were for women. It didn’t stop men failing to look after their illegitimate children or the women who birthed them. It didn’t stop life-threatening abortions. It just created an atmosphere of shame and secrecy; of unwed mother’s institutions and babies disappearing or quietly being given away. Even in the context of loving marriages, many families struggled to look after the many children that ensued; imagine if they had the knowledge or resources to pace out their children so they could afford to look after them. So arguing that contraceptives mainly benefit men is completely disingenuous. Sure, perhaps men get to have a bit more sex now because women feel more happy to have sex knowing they are a lot less likely to get pregnant. Men can still be deadbeat or missing fathers if they choose. But women have benefited far, far more, despite the side effects and risks because historically, having sex and giving birth have always been risky for women. It’s not that birth control is an easy, fun choice, it’s that the choices have often been dire. For many women around the world, the choices are still dire. Lack of access to contraception means many girls and women around the world still bear children they do not want to have, and catch infections from the men who have sex with, or rape them. A woman who can’t recognise that other women around the world might desperately need to stave off having kids or protect themselves, just because they themselves don’t feel this particular method is for them, is not acting as a feminist. By forgetting the situaiton that women around the world are still dealing with, we’re letting our own privilege get the better of us. To be honest, commentary like this makes me pretty suspicious of the underlying beliefs of some posters who otherwise purport to be feminist. Since these people believe they have the agency to choose to have sex (it’s implied this is within marriage, almost always, in these threads) it’s clear that what is being attacked when they criticise contraceptives here, is the agency of women who choose to have sex in a context these people disapprove of. Having safe, ‘consequence-free’ sex is not dirty, or immoral. It does not, in itself, turn you into a sex object, because women are grown human beings with agency and the ability to want and enjoy sex on their terms. I hate the term consequence free sex, because it implies sex ought to come with consequences - what? Risks? Punishment? Diseases? Babies? The consequences of sex can be fun, intimacy, enjoyment, bonding and an expression of deep love. For many people, it’s an integral part of relationships and often, ultimately marriage if that’s what they want.

And if a woman doesn’t have agency or is being coerced or pressured into sex, that is not her fault. And in such a situation, contraceptives may still play a vital role because they prevent people from falling pregnant in dire situations. In such a situation, contraceptives are not the bad guys, and the woman would likely be coerced regardless of whether she was protected. But it’s disingenuous to claim that doctors are pushing an agenda without reflecting that the people telling you hormonal contraceptives are bad or that you shouldn’t be having premarital sex etc are also pushing an agenda. The largest critics of hormonal contraception have historically been those in power in conservatively religious communities who have strict rules about what women are and aren’t allowed to do. And that those rules have very rarely been empowering for women. Allowing people to break free of those rules hands the choice back to us. What people do with the freedoms that contraception allows them is up to them. And feminism will always be about giving people the knowledge and the choice to do what is best for them. If that’s not having sex, good for you. But that may equally mean having sex for someone else. Disclosure of interests: I don’t get paid by manufacturers of contraceptives, I don’t even prescribe them on my current job. Before anyone caims that I’m a proponent of ‘hookup culture’ who just can’t ‘get’ people who don’t want to have sex, I don’t personally do ‘hookups’ and waited til I was ready. I’ve spent a ton of time single. I really don’t care if people wait until marriage or have sex with 10 people every day. I don’t believe people should be stigmatised for having sex, or not having sex. It simply is not a reflection of anyone’s worth or morality.

#feminism #contraception #dx dates #dxdates #oh dear is this discourse

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earper-clone-88 · 5 years ago

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Ouch - aka the world’s largest rant.

My BEST FRIEND had the AUDACITY to call, to my face I might add, my Asexuality a phase and told me that I was just in denial right now about wanting sex. She then, i shit you not, told me that she thinks I’m actually going to be a really kinky person once I “get over my denial.”

First of all, bitch you clearly haven’t learned shit about me in the almost 6 years we’ve been best friends because if you did you’d know that even if I were to have sex, it’d be the most basic traditional shit ever like back the fuck off buddy you can do all the kinky stuff you want but don’t assume what I’M like in the bedroom.

Second of all, I’m fucking sick and tired of people acting all accepting of me when I first come out to them, first as homoromantic and then as asexual, and then having them later inform me, all while sitting on their high horse, that they believe I’m just denying my true self and not living up to my full sexual potential. Like fuck you I was having the best and happiest week I’ve had in months and you throw this shit at me like it won’t deepen my trust issues.

2 days ago, when she said what she did I was on a high, emotionally, as I was happier than I had been since probably last September. Therefore, when those words left her mouth I first had her repeat them to me, just to make sure I actually heard her correctly, but then I let it go. I told myself “I’ll just compartmentalize that little fun tidbit into the “analyze later” bucket and deal with it in a couple days! So here we are a couple days later and I’ve opened the box, and I’m a little tead.

I understand that it’s her ignorance and not her fear or hatred. I believe that she genuinely meant what she said as a compliment, that she meant to give me hope for the future, hope I guess that someday I could be “normal” and sexually interested like everyone else appears to be. She took awhile to understand what I meant when I came out to her, originally two years ago as a lesbian and then a year ago as a homoromantic asexual. I knew it would take her awhile to come around to the idea but I gave her time to process it, as it had taken me a couple years myself to embrace the idea.

As a few more of her friends came out, she had become more accepting of the LGBTQI community in the past 2 years even vocal about her hatred of homophobia and her anger towards anti-gay companies. (Even if she may not fully understand all the terms) Notice I left out the A+ section of LGBTQIA+ because up until literally two days ago I thought she was accepting of all of it, that she had worked through her conflictions about it and loved me for who i am. We can tell each other I love you all we want, as we do, but how can she really love me for who I am if she believes a part of who I am isn’t real.

And honestly, that shit stings. And to be honest I’m tired of not having anyone who really, fully, understands what I mean when I say I’m asexual. Even my friends who are part of the LGBTQI community question asexuality’s existence. I don’t need my life to be easy but It’d be quite nice to not have to explain my identity to every person I come out to and then have them still be like “but like how can you not want to have sex, oh my gosh is there something hormonally wrong with you!!??” Like bitch no, trust me I’ve fucking checked. And it doesn’t help that representation for asexuality is pretty much nonexistent. People don’t talk about it even within the LGBTQIA+ community, we’re literally the invisible identity. There are exactly 0 characters on American television who are asexual and don’t even get me started on movies. It’s disappointing and it’s alienating for those of us who have grown up watching YouTube and Social Media and yet almost never see anyone like us. It’s as if we don’t exist, as if there is no place for people like us in this world. Our world is run by sex, every being seemingly obsessed with it. This leaves us asking ourselves how we could possibly survive in a world where who we are is so taboo that it’s invisible to even the most “inclusive” of safe spaces.

But ANYWAYS, this post was originally going to be an appreciation post because as I said near the beginning, I’ve had the happiest week (Other than that speed bump.) I’ve spent the last two weeks bindging Rose and Rosie videos for hours on end (unhealthy I know but whatever). Between class, familial and friend obligations, and random work shit, I’ve spent every extra minute watching their videos. I really can’t pinpoint it exactly but watching them made me really happy. I laughed harder than I had in months, I laughed so hard I cried, and I finally felt hope. I could leave all my stress and anxiety, and even shitty experiences like the one above, behind just from knowing that in a couple hours I could be watching Rose and Rosie talk about anything and everthing. I was only a week in when I buckled down and bought their book. I blew my daily budget in one purchase simply so that I could listen to their audiobook on my way to and from school. I mean call it an impulse buy but it was the best damn purchase I’ve made in my entire life (apart from when I bought the book Room and all 6 seasons of House md in one purchase, talk about blowing the daily budget). But anyways, shout out to them for teaching me some valuable lessons in the last two weeks and for making me feel not so alone. I know I’m like 6-8 years late to the party but I’m here now and I don’t plan on leaving any time soon.

#asexuality erasure #homoromantic asexual #asexuality #rose and rosie #rose ellen dix #rosie spaughton #overshare

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flowerpowell · 6 years ago

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Secrets VIII (Liam x MC // Drake x MC)

Somehow the song by TS “Out of the woods” seems like a perfect “��”moodboard””” for this part. Part 8 is here and I hope you’ll like it! It was quite emotional to write haha.

All right for the characters go to Pixelberry, the plot is inspired by Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, I don’t own these rights either.

Rating: Normal

Tagging: @flynnomalleys @walkerduchess @choices-sideblog @kickbuttbookworm @client327 @kingliamthirst @lilsouthernsunflower @damienazariostan @katurrade @mynameiskaylabella @bizzyschoices @furiousherringoperatortoad @speedyoperarascalparty @jared2612 @liam-rhys @confessionsofabrokegirl @drakelover78 @darley1101 @laniquelove @umccall71 @theroyalweisme @hopefulmoonobject @littlegreenmoo ♥

At first she didn’t believe it.

But the moment she saw the look on Drake’s face she knew. He wasn’t any better.

Oh how could she be so stupid and blind? Drake lived here, he might have hated these people but it was impossible he wouldn’t know anything. And how he argued with Liam, why didn’t she see that earlier? Riley didn’t know whether to laugh at her stupid self or cry because the only person she thought she could trust turned out to be a liar too.

“What? He didn’t tell you?” Maxwell asked noticing Riley’s face.

No he didn’t. He made me believe he didn’t know. He made me believe he was the honest one. He made me feel stupid.

“No” she rasped. Her eyes were glossy, she could start crying any second now.

“Riley...” she heard his voice. He was on the verge of crying too, she could sense that. For the first in the past few minutes, the minutes that pretty much changed her world, she looked at Maxwell, then at Hana, and then on Drake.

They all lied.

She swallowed hard and abruptly ran out of the stable. She was running so fast as if Madeleine was chasing her. The voices of her friends became distant as she reached the castle. Nowhere to go. She ran up the stairs right to her room but Liam noticed her and started yelling her name. Riley didn’t listen. He ran after her but luckily she managed to close the door.

“Riley, open the door, please, we need to talk.” Riley brought her hands to her ears and blocked any sounds from around her. “Riley!” Liam yelled knocking on her door. She didn’t hear anything. She didn’t feel anything. Lying on the bed, Riley cried herself to sleep.

When she opened her eyes it was much later. The sky was dark and she realized it was night already. It’s been the longest day ever. Riley got up and noticed a piece of paper on the floor. Hesitantly, she lifted it and realized it was a letter. From...Drake. With new tears in her eyes she started reading it:

Hastings Riley,

There is nothing I could possibly say that would make you forgive me but at least give me a chance to explain. I would be mad at myself too so I totally understand. First, I’m sorry I never told you about Liam. I was going to, I swear, right before Max and Hana came. It just didn’t feel like my place to say anything. When I realized you might felt something to Liam I tried to talk you out of it because I knew the mess Liam was in. I am his best friend since childhood and I would never tell his secrets. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everthing I did wrong. If that’s any help, that whole marriage was supposed to be kept in secrets because Liam was tricked to it. But surely he already told you that. So that’s all I guess. Please, forgive us. I really couldn’t tell you his secret. I’m sorry.

Love, Drake

Tricked? Well, whatever. She didn’t care anymore. She understood Drake kept his friends secrets but still believed they should warn her, at least. After all, what’s the big deal in telling someone was married? It should’t be a secret, right?

A weak knock on her door startled her. “Riley?”

Liam.

“Riley, I don’t know if you can hear me but I will tell that anyway.” Riley sat down on her bed and listened. “Riley, I’m sorry. For everything I messed up. I should have told you from the start I had a wife. That I was made to marry her and then she locked me here with no chances of getting out. She’s a monster but I can’t divorce her. I can’t get out. Please Riley, I know it sounds odd but I swear that’s the truth. Riley, come out, eat something, drink something, you’re probably hungry.” Another knock. “Riley, I need to know if you’re okay. Please, say something.”

Riley sighed. “I’m alive.”

She heard a sigh of relief. “Can you please come out so we can talk?” Silence. “Okay, I understand.” He muttered.

Liam didn’t say anything for a while and Riley thought he was gone but then he spoke again. “My father arranged it, you know? He thought I should marry Madeleine because she would make the best wife. And I trusted him. You usually trust your father, right? I did.” He stoped and sighed. “Turned out it was his plan. She was a part of it.”

Riley still didn’t understand. She opened the door and her eyes met Liam’s. Red, tired, teary. He smiled weakly when he saw her. “You came.” He tried to touch her but she stepped back.

“Because your story doesn’t add up. What was his plan? Why can’t you get out? Why can’t you take her to the police?”

Liam inhaled deeply and looked at her. “Because she’s the Queen of Cordonia.” Riley was stunned. A Queen? “But...wouldn’t that make you--”

Liam sadly nodded. “That was the part I didn’t tell. I needed to marry someone before I could become a King. I never knew what love was. So when he proposed to marry Madeleine I agreed. I wanted to be a good King. She already had Amelia and I was happy thinking I would have a wife and a child. Justin was the wedding officiant, he’s Madeleine’s brother. Right after we got married my father asked me to move in here. He told me Madeleine and him would stay at the palace to talk about business. Instead, they issued the statement that I was dead.” Liam stopped, tears rolled down his cheeks. “He wanted Madeleine to take the crown but I was his son so I needed to marry her. Turned out she was the daughter of my stepmother. And my father would rather listen to her than his own son. My father threatened that if I ever show myself publicly he’ll execute me himself. That’s why I live here, with only closest friends. No internet so I don’t have to read about my own death.” He sighed.

Riley thought for a while. “What about Olivia and other guests? Aren’t they surprised you’re actually alive?” Liam shook his head. “No, they don’t know I’m the King. For them I’m a simple, boring noble. They’re from outside Cordonia. I would never invite here anyone who would know about me. That’s why we hire people from outside, like you.”

And suddenly, everything made sense. Everything.

“It doesn’t change the fact that you lied” she whispered, “I’m not sure I should stay here anymore.”

Liam looked her with panic. “What? No, don’t leave, Riley please.” He pleaded and took her hands in his. She was already crying. Liam leaned down and kissed her cheeks and eyes. He wiped the tears and clasped her to his chest.

“Don’t leave me, please.”

Riley gently pulled away. “I will think about it okay? And we’ll talk tomorrow?” He nodded, still looking down. She disappeared in her room closing the door behind her.

She was lying on her bed, not being able to sleep. Riley thought of everything that happened. When she learned Liam’s secret, when she found out all her friends here knew about it. And then, that moment with Drake just before he betrayed her too. And Liam was a King? That sounded so weird but everything made sense. She knew now why no one told her the truth but she still felt upset they lied to her. So many times. What if there is something else? She was so tired with everything.

Riley sat down and looked around her room. She needed to make a choice. Either this or that.

Slowly, she got out of the bed, took her bag and started packing the most important items. She knew she promised Liam she’d stay but her thoughts were killing her. She couldn’t stay here any longer, that would destroy her. Riley glanced at the clock, it was four in the morning, everyone was still asleep.

As quiet as she could be, she walked out of her room and closed the door. Quickly she walked to Amelia’s room, kissed her fingers and pressed them to the door.

She stopped at Liam’s room and stayed there for a while. “Goodbye Liam. I forgive you. And I will always remember you, Phantom.” She pressed her kissed fingers to his door too and headed out, grabbing a banana on her way.

She finally got out of the castle, of the garden and entered the woods. It was still very dark but she went straight ahead.

She was walking for hours now and still no sight of any city on the horizon. She might have been walking in circles, at this point she didn’t even know where she was going. Too tired, too hungry, and lost. Riley ate the only banana she had and cursed herself for not taking more food. She tried to call Maxwell at some point but there was no signal. Riley didn’t know what to do. Using all the strength she had left, Riley kept going and going. She took a short break under the shadows of some trees and took a nap. When she woke up it was already getting darker. She groaned at the thought of spending the night alone in the woods. But then again, this forest wouldn’t be creepier than the castle. She dreamed of going back to New York, to her parents. She wanted to forget she ever came here.

Few hours, that felt like eternity, later, she couldn’t go any longer. She was very hungry, she needed water to drink, she was tired, and her feet were killing her. Her grandmother’s dress she was wearing was ruined. Her eyes were swollen from crying. Riley stopped and lay down on a rock. She curled up and started crying again. She knew she was going to die, right there, right at this moment. There was no one to help her. Riley rememebered faces of people she loved. Her mom, dad, friends. She even saw Liam, Amelia, Drake, Bertrand, Maxwell, and Hana. They were all smiling at her and repeating that everything would be fine. She smiled at this thought, knowing it wasn’t happening for real. It was just her tired mind, playing tricks on her.

Riley started losing consciousness, her eyes slowly closing. She was drifting towards the unknown when she felt a pair of strong arms lifting her. Painfully, she opened her eyes to see the face of her savior. It was a man she didn’t recognize. He looked familiar yet completely strange. He carried her somewhere, she didn’t know where but didn’t care at this point.

“Who are you?” she asked, her voice weak and tiny. The man looked at her face and smiled. “You’re safe, don’t worry.” Riley wanted to protest, it wasn’t the answer to her question after all but her eyelids were too heavy and she didn’t manage to say anything more.

Right before she lost her consciousness for good she heard the man speaking again.

“Leo,” he said, “My name is Leo.”

#trr #the royal romance #the royal romance fanfiction #drake x mc #liam x mc #leo x mc #drake walker #king liam #RoE Leo #maxwell beaumont #hana lee #olivia nevrakis #playchoices #play choices #choices stories you play #choices fanfic #choices fanfiction

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weabbynormalblog · 3 years ago

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Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. ��Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

#Rising above abuse #Mental illness healthy choices #Be the master in your life #Embrassing Conflict #Conflict resolution #Living with childhood trauma

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