#the only media im even interested in consuming now is media that reminds me of them

[feisaru]

Do you have any other IE ships besides FeiSaru? And do you have any sexuality/Neurodivergence Headcanons for anyone in IE?

I do. But tbf, tbf I've drifted away from the other ships ever since I played CS and these two entered my life. You could say they're the only ones I have really hard feelings on. Other than that, I pretty much just vibe with what the people I follow throw on my dash (there are a few ships that trigger me, but luckily nobody here has subjected me to them yet and I've filtered their tags)

Nevertheless, here's some other stuff I enjoy:

Enhiro!!! My babies. I love them. A lot. I wrote crap analysis on them at 3 am after I watched S3. I've heard the Japanese side of the fandom does them pretty dirty though. Glad I didn't have to witness any of that yet lmao

Arugan (Alpha and Gamma from CS) (@amalg4me's fault. These two are so friggin cute)

Rococo and Fideo

Garsha and Vanfeny (recently decided to call them Garvan)

Meia and Giris

Hakushuu

Kyouten

Somefubu

Midori and Nishiki

Anything within the Break Trio (yes, as polycule also)

Very fine with Kdfd and Kisaku

Haruna and Kogure

Tourika

Ennatsu

Most of the typical Galaxy pairings, I think? Like Minamana, Mataten, Munetaku, Konoha and Kusaka... I kinda forgot what I shipped there because in the end I found Ozrock as an antagonist really enthralling and thus focused on him mostly. Gotta touch up on that someday.

(There's also a special ship my friend made up that I'm not listing here...) (and Aoi is a firm sapphic imo, make of that what you will)

It all comes down to I don't seek out ships, if they come to me they do, if they don't, they don't. There are various things I like seeing people get worked up over but can't say I actively ship (e.g. Takuran, Ranmasa, Nosaichi (bc I have not seen Areori)). Suma sumarum you could say I'm pretty chill over almost everything mainly bc I'm so insane over Fei and Saru that there's no room for much of anything else *fingerguns*

Now to the sexuality hcs: I have a lot of those. If you want my thoughts on any specifically, u can send 'em my way bc I wouldn't even know where to start. They come flying to me like the word of God to an ancient monarch.

And neurodivergence! Honestly, there are quite some characters in the entirety of IE that exhibit signs of being nd. Lots of them hyperfixate on soccer, use it as a coping mechanism, or both. But once again, my brain doesn't mull over the entirety of this franchise. So, (who would have thougt?) I definitely have pretty firm thoughts concerning Saru's mental problems (Fei's too but Saru's are overall easier to figure out for me)

(Bonus little thing which I think is a pretty popular fan interpretation: Endou has ADHD and Kidou's definitely autistic)

[auuwmk]

PLS READ ORV RIGHT NOW IM BEGGING YOU

I'm not good at explaining, so here's a post on what orv is about:

Tl;dr my reading experience and how orv changed the trajectory of my life (if you even care °^°)

the chokehold this novel has on me is not to be understated, like, this usually doesn't happen often because I'm so picky with what media i consume but...ORV.

Idk what happened to me but i felt like i was possessed while reading orv, like, i would be staying up all night and forgetting to eat or drink. It'd be the only thing I'd do everyday, i didn't open any other app unless I needed to.

I literally even read it at school every time a lesson requires me to bring an electronic device (LIKE KDJ SNEAKING OFF TO THE JANITOR'S CLOSET AND SECRETLY USING HIS COUSIN'S LAPTOP TO READ TWSA OMG)

NOW I CAN'T ESCAPE FROM ORV. ITS STUCK IN MY HEAD SAVE ME!!!!

After neglecting art for almost 2 years, i picked it up again just so i could draw orv. It was also the first time i was confident about sharing my art

All my socmed platforms are used solely to share my love for orv, it was the first time i was ever so open. I write about my thoughts on orv everywhere I go, I listen to music and subconsciously try to figure out if the lyrics remind me of orv, i keep comparing every other piece of fiction to orv (im always convinced orv did it better, orv out here setting the standard)

IM PRETTY SURE I MADE A POWERSCALE CHART OF KDJ'S STORIES AT SOME POINT LMAOOO

Everything is orv to me, i can't stop 😭

Literally everyone that's close to me KNOWS im obsessed with orv. HELL, i made a short film inspired by orv (the relationship between a writer and a reader) (its for a school project)

This was the first time I've ever recommended my dad a piece of fiction, my parents don't usually know my interests (it went: PLS READ IT. NOW. ITS SO GOOD PLS) (he didn't)

I think about orv every waking and sleeping moment i dont wanna stop obsessing over orv PLS I NEVER WANNA FALL OUT OF LOVE. My world revolves around orv, i love all the characters, the story, the message, EVERYTHING.

In conclusion, read orv. I cry myself asleep every night thinking about kimcom. I love them and i love the story to bits I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I'm sure this isn't just me but a lot of others too.

[autumnleaves-andpoetry]

Hey, so sorry, so so sorry to be that person, but, mini rant about deleting certain social media platforms.

I deleted Instagram because it is a time-consuming black hole of inevitable comparison culture. I do miss stories, I think some folks got creative with what they posted on stories. However, the idea in which stories only last 24 hours is a clear grab at my attention span, a compromise for my time, a "grab it before its gone, check the app before its too late" type beat. I'm over it, I'm living without it. I'm checking Twitter too much instead sure, but the slow death of Twitter is imminent. My TL has slowed down immensely and the algorithm is grasping at straws to display relevant engaging content. Twitter feels almost as mindless as scrolling through Facebook now, boring and ad centric.

I'm focused more on my academic work, I feel like im retaining significantly more information from my classes and independent study. Making less room for short-term trends often inherently rooted in capital gain, or worrying about what other people are doing.

A stark issue I realized, I am internalizing a lot more of my interests instead of compartmentalizing them down to personality traits to share online. I find a song, and I do immediately think about sharing it on stories and it's like, no? I can just enjoy this thing for myself, not worrying about sharing my interests with a small handful of people and keeping things personal has been nice.

I'm so sorry to be that ass-hole, the "deleting social media may have made me a little better" ass-hole but I don't think I can go back to Instagram. At least not for a while.

And I know there are positives to social media like Instagram, I know people use it for good and expand their interests there, but, that's for a different post. I'm just exploring my recent opinions and observations. Additionally, I think Instagram is, overtly, a display of self, and breaking the "self" down to boxes- trends, music taste, fashion, travel as they pertain to an image not interests. The anxiety this gives me, in terms of breaking down into comparing myself to others and feeling the need to break down my life to a limited display just doesn't feel good even when I remind myself people only post what they want you to see.

[knightyoomyoui]

Tzuyu x Reader- “Since I Found You”

---------------------

"Then... on June 2 you will be having a seminar with Mr. Cho about the stocks status...", Assistant Secretary Im Nayeon continued to study the notepad in her hand. Her one and only boss, who is sitting extremely uncomfortable in an office chair, was in front of her... You're listening with a deadpan expression on your face.

"Okay, let's cut it there," you responded hurriedly, waving your hand away from Nayeon, prompting her to come to a halt. "So, my entire month is full of schedules, huh?" you replied tiredly.

"Sad to say boss.", she sighed, clicking her tongue.

"Argh. I mean... it's just fine to me.", you muttered, combing your hair with your fingers. "Our business... my company here is at stake so I need to accomplish these.

What I'm having a problem about is... Knight. I won't be able to go home early for him everyday.", You then looked at your kid, who was sleeping blissfully on the couch.

"Oh yeah, this kid.", Nayeon laughed as she pinched Knight's cheek. She adored that child."So he's gonna be alone in your house then? ", she asked, lifting both of her brows.

"Exactly what I'm afraid about. Nay, he's still too young.", you said as you gripped the bridge of your nose and closed your eyes. "No way in hell I would leave him there all by himself, he's just 6."

"I've been telling you for the nth time that you must find a woman to marry, Y/N.", Nayeon stated. It may have seemed like a joke, but it isn't. She has been reminding you of this since before and even today.

"Look at you now, struggling and panicking because Knight doesn't have a guardian because the two of you only live together, so when you're away... he has to follow you.", she continued as she placed her notepad back in her vest's pocket.

"I know okay it's just... I don't even had a time to do so.", you explained, looking at Nayeon.

"What about here? Except me, don't you find any other female employee of yours that seem interesting to you?", Nayeon asked.

"Sorry but no.", you said, shaking your head. " I actually don't know why. It's just... they won't make me feel attracted at them in a romantic way, you know.", you said.

Nayeon nods, indicating that she understands and is satisfied with your explanation. "Back to our topic, yeah I would be very willing to take him but you know it right? That I will also be involved with these hectic to-do tasks of yours since I'm your pretty secretary.", Nayeon reminded you while covertly demonstrating how full of herself she is.

"Yeah. So... what now?", y you asked, smacking your hips. " I don't even have others left other than Mom and Dad who is on Paris today, celebrating their anniversary.", you placed your head above your arms that is serving as your pillow on the desk.

"Why not get a babysitter then?", What you heard about Nayeon made you turn your head up and look at her with interest.

"Oh that sounds good.", you agreed, nodding to her. "But... it will consume much of my time though on finding the su-"

"Nah you won't. In fact, I think I know someone who might be able to help you.", Nayeon remarked, caressing her chin with her thumb and index finger as she looked upwards.

"Oh, who would it be?"

"Uhh she's a friend of mine, and neighbor too. She told me one time that she was looking for a job but to no avail so far.", Nayeon explained, taking a seat in front of you, crossing her leg onto the other one. "Sooo... are you in?",

"Can she be trusted?", you asked doubtfully.

"See it for yourself. But let me tell you this, yes she is. That girl is too pure, Y/N.", Nayeon remarked, smiling as the image of the person she was referring to appeared in her head. "Even though she's harsh at me sometimes.", rolling her eyes and pouting her lips as she sulked.

"But I love that girl. She's like my little sister to me."

You were persuaded enough to make a move to close this one. "I'll take it. Give her my address and tell her I'll be meeting her on Saturday.", you said before reaching for your phone and opening one of your social media apps.

" Aye aye boss.", Nayeon said with a salute, saving your reminder on her notepad after pulling it out of her pocket again.

"Oh wait, I forgot something to say, Y/N."

"What?", you asked, without looking at her, continuing swiping your phone higher to scan through your newsfeed.

"Always check your heart with this one. Mark my words, when you see her... you'll be just like the rest of them.", Nayeon smirked before leaving your room for a while.

You took your gaze away from your phone just as Nayeon opened the door, so you saw what she did. You were perplexed by what she said because you had no understanding what she meant.

"Wh- what does she mean about that?", you wondered, furrowing your brows as you stared at the door.

(2 DAYS LATER)

"No more cereals, papa?", Knight said after he opened the refrigerator and saw no any trace of what he's about to get in it.

When you noticed your youngster pouting in sadness, you approached him and apologized. "Sorry, little one. Papa's gonna buy later for you okay?"

"Okay...",he replied, and you assisted him in closing the refrigerator. You knelt in front of him and gripped both of his shoulders, your gaze fixed on your son.

"To lessen your sadness, Do you want me to include also some ice cream later?", you smirked. You already know he'll answer yes because that's one of his favorite foods.

"Really papa?", his face lit up instantly, and you nodded fast. "DO IT PLEASE!!! THANK YOU!!!!", he then proceeded to hug you, which you gladly welcomed by placing your arms behind his back.

"Cmon, let's prepare other breakfast now so that you can take a bath now after.", you gently brought your son back to the living room so you could move around freely in the kitchen.

You were going to grab a pan and the ingredient you'd need when you and Knight both heard someone press the doorbell button.

"A visitor, papa.", Knight replied, pointing to the front door of your house.

"Yup, let's see who it is.", you said, nodding. You exited the kitchen and headed straight to the door to see who it could be.

When you opened the door, there stood in front of you a stunning tall long-black-haired woman. She is carrying two bags, one on her back and the other in her hands.

"Hi... is this the address of Mr. L/N Y/N?", the tall lady asked you. You were barely able to grasp what she said since you blacked out for a moment there because the girl in front of you has a distinct beauty that you can't recollect ever seeing before. That made you ask to yourself if is she even real?

"Uhh y-yeah, it's here, and i'm the one you mentioned.", you gulped after saying it.

"Oh... good morning. Nice to meet you, sir.", she extended her hand to you while beaming the brightest grin you'd ever seen.

"Good morning too. May I know your name?", you accepted her hand and returned her greeting.

"Chou Tzuyu.", Even her name is unfamiliar to you, which piqued your interest.

"You're not Korean aren't you? Even your looks is different than us.", you aksed her curiously.

"I'm Taiwanese.", she said, smiling.

"Oh wow okay. Wait, you're the babysitter?", you asked her based on her belongings. It appears that she is moving to another residence, which is ideal for the position Tzuyu indicated that Nayeon recommended to you three days ago.

"Yes sir.", she said, nodding.

"Seriously?"

"Is there a problem, sir?", she inquires, her curiosity piqued.

"No... no... it's just, you just don't seem like it.", You were worried that it sounded insulting to her, but she giggled gently again.

"Come in, you must be tired from going here.", you said, stepping back from the entrance to allow her access.

Tzuyu finally took a step inside your home. As a gentleman, you assisted her with her belongings while she was removing her Nike shoes. She smiled and thanked you.

"A bit but it's fine. I took a cab anyways.", She then placed her shoes on your shoerack by the staircase.

"So uhm... this is my home.", you said, proudly introducing your small abode.

"Yup, it's not that huge, but you may go wherever you want as long as you don't break anything."

"Papa, who is she?" your son Knight, who is merely in the living room watching TV, just arrived in front of you and Tzuyu after leaving the couch.

Tzuyu was taken aback when he met the child, but it only made her more eager to get along with him because, first and foremost, she adores children, as well as animals... particularly dogs.

"Oh, this is my son Knight by the way.", you said as you approached Knight and patted his shoulder.

"Hi there, cutie! Nice to meet you!", Tzuyu joyfully waved her hand at Knight, "What's your age?"

"6.", He even pointed with his fingers, showing six out of ten.

"Knight, meet Tzuyu-noona. She will be your guardian here in the house while I'm away okay?", you turned him around so he could listen to you intently. "Be a nice boy her."

"Yes papa.", Knight nodded and grinned before approaching Tzuyu and making the Taiwanese kneel in front of her so that their gazes met.

"You look like a beautiful doll, Tzuyu-noona!", Tzuyu's eyes widened in astonishment, and her cheeks flushed at the small boy's compliment.

"Aww thank you, Y/N. You're so cute, you know that?", You're just watching them with a smile on your face as she ruffles Knight's hair, making the kid laugh.

'Tzuyu noona, can we play?"

"Oh no no.", y you said, shaking your head, but you noticed Knight frowning at your reaction. You scratched your chin to try to clarify what you meant because your son plainly misinterpreted what you did.

"Uhh I mean yes you two can but, Knight remember you have class today right? Save it for later.", you remarked to him. Fortunately, the boy understands and nods. His frown also vanished.

"Don't worry, Knight. We'll enjoy later when you get home, okay?", Tzuyu swiftly took the opportunity to cheer up Knight, making the child more eager to go to school.

"Okay.", Knight said, smiling from ear to ear at her noona. Tzuyu lets out a little laugh as a result of this.

"Yehey a new friend!!! Papa she's so cute and nice too!", Knight cried, bouncing in delight. Tzuyu quickly covered her mouth in surprise, not expecting this kid to give her another kind compliment.

" Yeah she is.", you subconsciously answered, making Tzuyu gaze at you even more surprised by your response.

You returned her gaze, and when you remembered it, you gulped heavily and hastily averted your gaze from her out of embarrassment.

Tzuyu, on the other hand, blushed and felt her heart quiver slightly.

"Oh u-uhm... I mean... uhh HAHA... well what my son said is true anyways.", you admitted, accepting the truth. You just hoped she wouldn't think otherwise because of what you mistakenly did.

"Thank you, sir.", Tzuyu said, bowing her head.

"So uhh follow me, I'll take you a trip around here so that you know ever corners around here.", you said, motioning for her to do so. Knight returned to his cartoon on the couch, while you and Tzuyu began to wander about the house for a house tour.

(10 MINUTES LATER)

"Anddd this is your room.", you said as you opened the door and let Tzuyu glance inside.

She was astounded by the design, as well as how well organized and tidy it was. The bed, which sleeps two people, includes white pillows and a white bedsheet. The windows are draped with gray.

The room also has a bookshelf, workstation, full-body mirror, closet, and other amenities. White is also used on the walls.

Because of the tiny resemblance, it reminded him of her room in Taiwan, thus being here must've felt like she was home again.

"How is it? Sorry if you might not get too impressed at this. I did my best to prepare it very well for you.", you sighed, placing both of your hands inside the pockets of your shorts.

"It's okay, sir. It certainly seems comfortable and nice here," Tzuyu replied as she walked about her new room.

"That's a relief.", you heaved out a relaxed sigh. "Uhm, so let's proceed about my son.", you said, pulling out the folded paper you'd been clutching behind your back since picking it up from your room during the house tour.

Tzuyu turned her head to gaze at you, and you handed her the paper, which she unfolded to reveal all the information written on it.

"Well uhh ofcourse he has do's and don'ts, likes and dislikes.", you remarked, glancing at her as she reads the list you wrote. You can tell how she feels about each of them by the way her lips move. " I already listed them for you yesterday, you can read it all to take note every single of it so that it can be a help for you to manage my son while I'm gone."

"I understand sir."

"Good.", you said, smiling. Tzuyu paused his reading and returned his attention to you. You're both looking at each other now, which is a horrible idea because you're still distracted by her appearance.

"Thank you for this by the way and especially to Nayeon who introduced you to me.", you said, smiling. "Maybe until today I'm still trying to find someone that I can surely be trusted with for my son... good thing it looks like I already have that one right in front of me. Good luck and congrats on getting the job, Tzuyu."you said before offering her a handshake, which she accepted.

" I should be the one thanking you more, sir for accepting Nayeon unnie's request.", she added, still shaking each other's hands from the grasp. . "I will do my best to take care of Knight and make sure he's happy and safe here with me.", Tzuyu promised.

"Now that's more like it.", you said as you nodded. You then looked down at your wristwatch to see what time it was.

"I gotta go prepare now for my work. I'll take Knight to the school by myself for today so you can have some rest and start to familiarize yourself around here and about my son then next week you can do it now by yourself, okay?"

" Noted, sir.", she replied.

"Oh please don't call me sir, just Y/N is fine.", you chuckled as you waved your hands away from her. "I just want to be recognized for once as just a normal person."

"Okay, Y/N.", she said. When you saw and heard her mention your name in her wonderful soft voice, it made you blush a little (you were controlling it, so it was only a little).

"Much better.", you said with another broad smile to Tzuyu. You walked out of Tzuyu's room, bending your head to view your son Knight, who was still watching TV.

"Okay, uhh Knight go to shower now, baby. Your breakfast will be served instead after you get out.", you said loudly enough for your kid to hear. Knight acted quickly, and you simply nodded at Tzuyu, who asked you telephatically whether she may begin her task immediately away.

Tzuyu then went downstairs and into Knight's bedroom to get his uniform ready, while you went to use your cellphone to alert Nayeon that you had finally met Tzuyu.

(2 DAYS LATER)

"Oh, good evening, Y/N.", Tzuyu said as she opened the door for you.

"Good evening, Tzu.", you smiled slightly. " Uhh where's Knight?", you wondered as you scanned from the distance for traces of your kid, but there were none.

"Upstairs, sleeping.", Tzuyu pointed upwards. You were taken aback by her response because it was unfamiliar to you.

" Well that was weird. That kid is very hard to make him do that." , you said in an impressed tone. "Did you used any magic or something?",

"Let's say that he got tired from our long playtime.", Tzuyu stated as she smiled, but it quickly faded when she noticed you didn't reflect her feeling as you just stared at her. "Sorry if that was a bit unpleasant to hear.", she swayed some strands of her hair behind her ear, nervously glancing away from you.

"No, it's fine. I am glad actually, well to know that it is really working.", you remarked, attempting to calm her down by assuring her. You didn't answer quickly to her since you still can't believe it. Knight likes to sleep late for unknown reasons.

Based from what you believe in, Knight's energy can last long more than a day that's why.

You were sure that your late friend has one hell of an active son he left in this world to you.

You started walking into the hallway to reach the living room with Tzuyu following you from behind.

Tzuyu saw your posture; your shoulders are all slumped, your walking speed is slow, and your head is not even straight with your body.

In short, you looked tired.

"Want some help, Y/N? You seem drained.", Tzuyu asked you.

"Indeed, I am. Goddamn CEO life.", you said that in a dead-like tone. That's enough to confirm Tzuyu's thoughts on you.

"Sit there.", Tzuyu directed you to the couch, where you hardly dropped your body and reclined your back very pleasantly. "Did you already eat?"

You shook your head. "Nope. Too lazy to go on a restaurant or order something today."

"Perfect, i'll go cook for you.", she said. You just followed her walking straight to the kitchen and prepare something for you to eat.

You were touched by it and it surely felt surreal because at first it was only your mom whose doing this to you when you were a child.

Not until Tzuyu here impressed you with what she did for you because she is considerate and helpful.

"Thank you so much, Tzu.", Tzuyu smiled back, and you watched some TV while you waited.

(25 MINUTES LATER)

"Wow. This is definitely the BEST food I had so far, seconded after my mom's.", you said after swallowing the dish you were chewing. It came from Tzuyu' cooked meal Sundubu-jjigae (soft tofu stew).

"Don't think the same but thanks for the praise, Y/N.", she lets out a shy laugh.

" If it's because they don't say the same as me, then forget them. Their taste buds suck.", you scoffed and rolled your eyes before laughing with Tzuyu on your statement.

"Not to brag, I used to be expert at foods, thanks to my dad who is a former chef.", you joked. Tzuyu only smiled at you because of what you revealed, but also because of what you did.

You felt some pain in your body as you were going to straighten your body again after eating, causing you to flinch and grip onto the part where it came from.

"Oh there it goes."

"You're okay?", Tzuyu asked, concerned, as she noticed you slightly stretching your body.

"Yeah, it's just... my back... getting stiff from sitting way too long in front of paperworks.", you said nervously, before trying to relax your back again by slowly curling it.

"Allow me. Flip over the couch.", she said. You didn't say anything in return, just swiftly followed her because you desperately needed it regardless.

"Oh wait, you need to take off your clothes first.", Tzuyu commanded, feeling shy a bit for saying that.

"Okay.", you said, feeling embarrassed because you're about to expose your topless body in front of a woman. What makes you cringe even more is that you two are alone together right now. What's even cringe to you is that you two are alone together right now.

You take off your gray long-sleeve, necktie and coat, revealing your well-built six pack abs. Tzuyu flushed and her pupils dilated at the sight of it. She was astounded and amazed with your body.

You sat down on the couch, your front pressed against the soft cushion. Tzuyu, on the other hand, begins to make her touch meet your skin at the back and begins to forcefully pushing and twirling her hand onit to gain speed.

She was doing that until both of you finally heard a bone crack.

"Oh that's good.", you breathe out a relaxed and satisfied sigh. "Wow. My bones felt really well again. Damn, thanks, Tzuyu. That was really good.", you nodded.

"Just relax still, Y/N. I'll do a massage.", Tzuyu then went to her room first and returned with a menthol oil in her hand.

She poured it to her palm and started rubbing it in a normal speed. Then, she started applying it on your back.

To avoid the uncomfortable and awkward atmosphere, you thought of something to start your conversation with her.

"So, Tzuyu. How long have you been here in Korea?"

"Almost 2 years.", your mouth formed an "o" shape.

"Is that so? What's the main purpose though?", you raised your eyebrow.

"Continue my studies. I'm graduated now but I decided to stay here in Korea as long as I want and instead of taking my parent's offer for a job, I declined it.

Don't feel myself that I should rely with them and also, I want to experience how is it like to start at the bottom, despite being in a rich family already.", It felt like you won with your thoughts when Tzuyu confirmed that she comes from a wealthy family with enough money to meet their needs and do whatever they want.

Tzuyu does not appear to be the type of person or woman who would take this position, which is why you silently suspected that this girl is more of anything.

"Then it led me here today, taking the job as your babysitter."

"How's Knight so far?"

"He's great. He's so kind and knows how to follow so we get along pretty well. You raised him well, I see.", she indrectly congratulated you.

"Oh I won't take the credit for that. I'm just his stepdad.", you chuckled, showing how humble you were for not accepting that praise that you believe you don't deserve to have.

But Tzuyu was taken aback. You have no idea that what you just said is something new and more of a clarification to her.

You were always referring to Knight as your "son" whenever you mentioned him or called him about the house, but she never suspected that he wasn't your blood, though she did notice that Knight's appearance didn't match any of yours.

"Really? I didn't know he's actually adopted."

"He's from my friend. He died months ago, now he's up there with his wife.", you began, explaining how Knight became your step-son.

Tzuyu frowned when she realized that someone dear to you had died, and she understood how terrible it must've felt to know that you wouldn't be able to see him again.

"It's heartbreaking, ofcourse... especially when that's your long-time buddy ever since we're kids. I took Knight in my supervision as a way to repay everything he did to me, If it wasn't because of him, I'm not at where I am right now.

I just don't really want that kid to end up in an orphanage, staying there for god-knows-what length of time, clueless that his daddy won't come back for him anymore. That kid is too special, Tzu.", You started sniffing as tears began to fall from your eyes, and Tzuyu felt your grief even more.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Y/N. May your friend's soul be at peace wherever he is today.", Tzuyu said in a comforting way, softly caressing your back in sympathy. "I'm sure he is watching you proudly and grateful for you on doing this."

"He owes you a lot just like you are to him. What matters here now is that you're continuing what he started to do for Knight, and that is to give him a great life every child deserves to live into.", you agreed, closing your eyes to stop the tears and slowly feeling better and relieved from this heavy feeling you're having all because of Tzuyu's comment for you.

"With that, Knight will grow up as a well-mannered man, all because of you."

"Okay, you're making cry more you know that?", you laughed, causing Tzuyu to laugh as well. You wiped your tears away using the tissue near at you. "But seriously, I appreciate it a lot, Tzuyu. Thank you so much, also for this... great message you had for me.", you said, looking her in the eyes.

" You're welcome, Y/N. Happy to help.", she said, smiling.

After that, she continued to massage your back. You couldn't stop staring at her because you couldn't take your gaze away from Tzuyu. You appeared to be really taken with the Taiwanese woman in front of you.

She has everything you could want in a woman.

Then you saw her releasing a huge yawn, indicating that she is also tired and getting sleepy too.

You didn't hesitated anymore but to make her stop. "You can go to your room now and take a rest. You did well today.", you slowly stood up again from the couch and reached for your clothes to wear and cover again your body. " I'll just follow later.", Tzuyu nodded and she picked up the bottle of her menthol oil and started walking on her way to the stairs.

While she's walking in the middle of the steps and about to reach the second floor, you called her again to say something you just had in mind.

"And uhh... Tzuyu?"

"Yes, Y/N?", she lowered her head to look at you down there.

" I hope we can still continue having some more.. of this.", you said to her, doing a gesture with your hands. "That was a nice talk we had today. I really also wanted not only to treat you as just Knight's babysitter... a friend too would be much better, so yeah. If we could consider this as the start of us getting to know each other?", you spreaded your arms as if you're welcoming her.

"Sure, Y/N. If that's what you want, I can't decline it anyway, you are such a nice guy to me.", then Tzuyu gave you a large smile you always liked to see from her. That made you really happy when she agreed.

"Goodnight, Tzuyu."

"Goodnight, Y/N.", She finally got upstairs and went to her room, and as she shut the door, you placed your palm on your chest, feeling the rhythmic heartbeats you'd been having while Tzuyu was alone with you earlier.

Now that she has consented to be friends with you and get even closer to you, you must prepare yourself for what is about to happen, because you are certain that you are experiencing strange feelings inside of you as a result of Tzuyu.

And all you can bet that this is definitely you going to slowly fall in love with her the longer your closeness to her gets.

(1 WEEK LATER)

"DADDY!!!", Knight yelled, sprinting towards you, who had just returned home from a tough day at work.

You became happy already to see your son being this energetic and full of life, it completely sweeps away your stress and exhaustion. "HEYYY!!! WHY SO HYPER TODAY? Did you missed me that much already?", you made a smug expression on your face.

Tzuyu then approached you and Knight, and as she talked, she had both of your and your son's attention on her. " Not only that, hey Knight why won't you show Daddy what happened earlier?",the boy asked, nodding vigorously and smiled broadly as he went into the living room to retrieve something.

He then went back to you and Tzuyu, now holding a test paper in his hands. "DADDY HERE! LOOK! I GOT A PERFECT SCORE IN MY TEST AT SCHOOL!", he proudly showed it to you his test You were overjoyed and proud of your son for this accomplishment.

"That's my genius boy right there!", you said, ruffling his hair and making him laugh before pulling him in for a close hug and kissing the crown of his head. "Wowww! Papa's proud of you, son. Now what could I say? This definitely deserves some celebration, right?"

When he heard that, the boy's face lit up. He then gazed at Tzuyu, bouncing with joy at his tall young babysitter. "YEHEY!DADDY IS ALSO PROUD TOO, MOMMY!", he said, and you and Tzuyu both came to a halt as you heard what Knight had just said.

You stared at Tzuyu with a confused and shocked expression, while she had a different expression. Instead, she appeared uncomfortable and a little scared.

"W-what? What did you call Tzuyu-noona here?", you asked Knight, pointing at Tzuyu.

"Mommy.", he answered directly, smiling at you which shows his set of teeth.

"U-uhh... we'll be back, son okay? We just have to talk about something. Just watch TV there for a while.", Knight nodded, motioning Tzuyu to follow. The two of you then went to the back of the home, where there is a swimming pool.

"What just happened?", you asked Tzuyu, still perplexed.

"I know, Y/N i-it's shocking.", she said, paying with the cloth of her pink t-shirt. "I also had the same reaction as yours when I heard that too.

"So that didn't happened once?", this made you shock even more. That made sense to you why Tzuyu didn't look like it's just new to her, but it made you wonder why she looks more terrified rather.

"He's been like that for days now, Y/N. I was surprised he stopped calling me noona and went into mommy afterwards when I finished telling him a bedtime story.", she explained.

"Looks like my son really did get a fond of you huh.", your upper lip curved upwards, making a smirk.

"I- I guess so.", she shrugged, entangling her fingers and looking at you. "I'm sorry for not telling you this, Y/N. I know it might be uncomfortable for you but... maybe I'll just do something to make him stop calling me that. Please, don't be mad at me.", her pleading sweet voice immediately makes you feel sorry for her, melting you inside; she didn't even need to do this, she didn't do anything wrong, but she still managed to make you feel horrible for her.

You see she's trembling slightly, which is presumably owing to her nervousness about facing you. So you took her hand in yours and felt her shiver from your touch. Tzuyu is lucky that you just saw that, because she doesn't want it to be clear that she also appreciated the way you held her hands to calm her fear. Her heart was racing as a result, which she appreciated.

You gently caressed it, Tzuyu was just looking at you in surprise. She didn't expected you to do this.

"Hey, Tzuyu stop. Don't be scared. That doesn't make me uncomfortable or angry or whatsoever.", you said, shaking your head.

You see she's trembling slightly, which is presumably owing to her nervousness about facing you. So you took her hand in yours and felt her shiver from your touch.

Her heart was racing as a result, which she appreciated."I'm... actually okay with it."

"B-but, Y/N he's not even my son."

"What about me?", you asked her, leaving Tzuyu stunned because she can't fight back; it's true that you aren't Knight's biological father. ""No too, right?"

" So, no worries with that. As long as that's what suits from him more, I'll let him call you that whenever he wants. In fact, you're the one who's standing up as her mother- figure also to him, anyways.", you said to Tzuyu. you remarked to Tzuyu, your hands clasped together as you continue to calm her down with your comfort.

"Let's just understand why he's like that because he never got the chance to meet his mother since he was born, so technically he never experienced having a mom on his side. M-my friend's wife died while giving birth to him, that's why.", that was yet another new piece of information she received from you concerning Knight's biological parents. She felt even more sorry for Knight because he had lost both his mother and father at such a young age.

"So... please, if that's what Knight is seeing in you, then make him feel that you are one like that to him okay?"

"O-okay.", then she finally became relaxed, thanks to your way of calming her down.

"Good.", you said, nodding and smiling at her. The two of you fell silent as you were just staring at each other's eyes, your hands tightening from each other's grip as though neither of you wants to let go at this time.

"If you're Knight's mommy now, well that makes you my wife then huh.", you did some smooth move from that, saying it to her in a teasing way. Tzuyu's eyes widened and blushed intensely at that statement. "I- I'm just kidding.", you chuckled. Tzuyu thinks you're lovely because you're embarrassed about what you did. You had no idea Tzuyu liked that idea.

"Why don't we just go back there now. Knight's probably too excited already to have his reward."

"O-Okay.", you said as you exited the backyard and returned to the house, Tzuyu by your side.

"It might be a joke for you Y/N but... I'm actually all fine with it too.", Tzuyu whispered quietly to herself, smiling and staring at your cloth-covered back.

"Alright, young fella. Daddy N/N and Mommy Tzu already decided for your prize.", you said to your kid as Tzuyu returned to the living room. Tzuyu's eyes sparkled as she heard you acknowledge her in the same way Knight did.

"What do you want to eat?"

"PIZZA!!! PIZZA!!!", your son chanted the food he wants.

"Then your wish is my command.", you said, then gave him a dramatic bow as if you had just finished performing in front of an audience in a theater. "I'll go order online.", ou said, reaching for your phone from your pocket to open the meal delivery app, but it was cut short as an incoming call appeared on the screen.

"Oh I got a call to take, I'll be right back.", you said as you went at the kitchen and answered the call coming from your self- confident assistant secretary.

"Hello, Nayeon?"

"Hey, Y/N. Good eve. Sorry to disturb you if I did.", you heard the familiar female voice coming from your Nayeon-noona behind the call. "It's just... Mr. Min called me just few seconds ago and he said that he organized a celebratory party in a hotel he rented for the success of the collaboration you two had. He told me to invite you and your employees to attend."

"Oh yeah, definitely I'll go there.'", you said, snapping your fingers. "What kind of CEO am I not to join the vibe right?

"Atleast you know.", Nayeon agreed. "Oh wait, he also informed me that there's somewhat a concept thingie in the party too.", it made you furrow your eyebrows in curiousity. "He said that, everyone should have a partner with them to bring with. Outside of the company will do. I'll take my angel Jeongyeon with me.", her voice changed into a loving and sweet tone.

"Why is that still needed?"

"I don't know, maybe this connects to what the party is all about anyways. You and him being partners on expanding each other's company popularity and business.", she answered.

"That's clever.", you pursed your lower lip. "Wait, you said out of the company will do, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then I already know someone to bring with me.", you smiled already at the thought of it.

"Wait, are you seriously gonna do it?", Nayeon asked you quickly in awe. She knows the fact that you are having a crush with Tzuyu these days. When you told her about it, she became so happy and encouraging for you. That was also the time when you finally figured out what she said to you that day when you let her choose Tzuyu as your babysitter.

You are indeed one of the men already who are head over heels at Tzuyu. But, Nayeon and Tzuyu both know that they only feel like that because they only focus at how pretty she is from the outside, disregarding also her pure inside.

But you damn sure know you ain't like them. You liked Tzuyu... no, you LOVE her for who she is.

And because Nayeon has been your secretary for almost 5 years, she has pushed you even harder to make Tzuyu feel the same way about you because she knows that's what her "giant maknae" truly likes in men like you.

Back to the present, you softly laughed and answered her excited question. "Yup."

" ATTABOY!", you leaned away from the phone since her voice was so loud, and you even heard her girlfriend Jeongyeon ask her what that was for, and the latter merely apologized."GOOD LUCK, Y/N! YOU DAMN SURE HAVE MY VOTE FOR HER!", which made you smile even more.

"Haha, thanks granny. I'll drop the call now."

"HEY TAKE IT BACK! I'LL REVEAL IT TO HER ALREADY IF YOU WON'T!", that gave you goosebumps because you know Nayeon is always serious about her remarks, which is one of the reasons she's been your secretary for so long; she acts her words, you swear.

"OKAY OKAY FINE, JESUS. DON'T RUIN IT, I'M BEGGING YOU.", you exclaimed in beg for her not to. Your evil maniac bunny noona just laughed crazily due to how frantic you sound. "Thanks, you bunny. How's that?", you asked her with no emotion.

"Better. Byeee!"

"Bye!", you clicked the end call button, sighing in satisfaction at first because you had avoided Nayeon's menacing warning; that lady would never change, you thought to yourself.

Then, your thoughts shifted to what you're planning to do for the party. It is a risky move, but you don't care. At the very least, you tried and didn't decide to be a coward and harm yourself even more by holding this big sensation that your heart has been carrying for almost a month now.

"Gotta tell it to her then. I hope she accepts.", You looked down to find Tzuyu making an aegyo, holding her pigtail hair with both hands in front of Knight, who was laughing hysterically. When you saw Tzuyu doing that and looking adorable at it, you smiled from ear to ear.

(2 DAYS LATER)

"Y/N! Great that you came.", Mr. Min Yoongi, CEO of Bangtan Corps and your business partner, said as he grabbed your shoulder.

"We deserved this, I'll not let it pass.", you said, smiling at him.

"Can't disagree with that.", "Can't argue with that," he said, shaking his head. He then looked down and noticed your step-son Knight, who was playing a game on your cellphone.

"Oh who's this little prince right here? This is your son?", tracing your son's sitting figure. You responded with a nod.

"Woah, I can clearly tell he will grow up with a bright future just like his dad.", he remarked. He then stared Knight in the eyes, drawing the child's attention to him.

"What's your name?"

"Knight."

"He's 6.", you added.

"Nice to meet you, Knight. I'm your father's friend, just call me Uncle Yoongi by the way.", the kid said yes and then he patted his head gently. Yoongi redirected his gaze to you to ask you a question.

"Anyways, he's your partner for tonight?", he asked you, lifting an eyebrow. He looks at you with a puzzled expression because you can't blame him; everyone around you is an adult, and some are still quite young; but Knight is the only child here.

It's strange if you're the only one in the party who has a child as a companion tonight.

"N-no. I have someone with me too. She's not here yet, she's coming along with her friends here because they all prefered to prepare together.", you said. You then returned your attention to the hallway that serves as the entrance to the enormous room where the group is currently congregated, looking for any sign of her.

"It's the wife, isn't it?", Yoongi asked you, smirking. He even playfully bumped your shoulder.

"Uhh n-no actually. She's not my wife.", you chuckled awkwardly yet the truth is it felt good. Damn if this was just real, you will be so proud for it.

"...Yet."

"A friend of mine. I'm Knight's stepdad to be honest.", you connected your words different from what you have in mind.

"Oh really?", Yoongi was surprised at your revelation. "Then you must be a great person for taking the responsibility to raise him, I salute you for that.", he then did a salute gesture to you.

"Continue it, I sense some bright future ahead of him.", he said, motioning to Knight, who is still playing. "I'll go entertain the other visitors now, Y/N.", he said, offering his fist to you, which you took, causing the two of you to execute a fistbump at each other's knuckles.

"Take your time, Yoongi.", you told him before he finally left.

"DADDY!", your son called you with his loud voice, tugging the sleeve of your suit.

"What is it?", you asked, looking at Knight, who was demanding your attention.

"MOMMY'S HERE! LOOK!" , then he pointed at the hallway entrance, walking along with her friend slash your assistant secretary Nayeon along with its girlfriend, Jeongyeon.

She was wearing an all black colored dress that perfectly highlighted the flawless curves of her body. Everyone in the room was staring at her in astonishment and disbelief when she entered, possibly because they were wondering who the hell this woman was and why is her beauty was nothing like they ever seen before.

"Oh...my... god.", were the only words that came out of your mouth as you stared at Tzuyu walking towards you like's she's in a slow motion while her beauty hypnotizing you the closer she got to you.

But thank God it didn't happen because your secretary noona was on the rescue for you. "Hiii Y/N!", she said, jolting you back into reality and distracting you with her loud charming greeting.

"Yo Y/N!", said your pal and Nayeon's girlfriend Jeongyeon as she shook your hand.

"Hey, Nay! Jeong wassup! Kinda long time no see.", you stated as you stared at Jeongyeon, who appears to have changed well due to her new appearance. Last time you saw her, she had a long gray ash hair but now she shortened it, replacing it with a blonde color too.

" Things became quite busy is it?", she asked, smiling at you.

"Don't worry we can catch it all up here tonight.", you comforted Jeongyeon. Nayeon then observed Tzuyu was only glancing about, standing stationary only at the side of these two lesbian pair, letting them talk to you.

As a part of the plan, he then interrupted your and Jeongyeon's conversation.

"Too bad we should justtt continue it later because we have to give somebody a moment to talk.", she pursed her lower lip. "Cmon babe, let's take a look around.", she said, taking Jeongyeon's hand and pulling her closer to whisper straight into her ear about why they came here and made Tzuyu join them.

"Oh yeah I forgot.", Jeongyeon replied to Nayeon's whisper. Then Nayeon moved away from you, and before Jeongyeon followed her girlfriend, she told you something else.

"Hey, Nayeon told me about that. Goodluck with her, okay?", she breathily said, glancing at Tzuyu showing her supportive trait at you.

"Thanks, Jeong.", you said, smiling. Jeongyeon patted you on the back before walking away to find Nayeon, who's going at the food section. Now it's only you and Tzuyu were left alone.

"Hey.", you said as you approached Tzuyu.

"Hi.", Tzuyu greeted back with a smile.

"Wow, you look... perfect tonight Tzuyu. ", you said returning your gaze to her hourglass shape. You realized even more why men want Tzuyu to be their girlfriend even more, I mean, who wouldn't want to have a girl like this so perfect?

"Thanks Y/N. Nayeon and Jeongyeon unnie handed me some assistance with this.", she said, looking down at her dress.

"And they did a magnificent job.", Tzuyu said, smiling at you. "Come on, let's go to our table now.", you said, then continued to amaze her by offering your arm for her to wrap hers around and stick with you.

She gratefully accepted it and wrapped her arms around you; now you're both heading ahead to the table you and Knight chose.

You can clearly see from your peripheral vision that some men and women are staring at you, their expressions dropping at the sight of Tzuyu being with you.

Looks like they're jealous to have this charming woman in your arms. Too bad for them, you don't even know how you become lucky to have this one near you too, you said to yourself.

"MOMMY!", exclaimed Knight as he raced up to Tzuyu and hugged her, which she reciprocated.

"Hiii Knight!", she said with a bit of a groaning sound in her voice because of how tight Knight is squeezing her in his embrace.

She pulled him away and looked around at his face. She swayed some strands of hair hanging on his forehead. "Awwww looking handsome today, just like Daddy.", you halted, your heart skipping a beat when Tzuyu indirectly complemented you. She smirked at you after she smiled at Knight, making you gulp heavily at this woman who could be the cause of your death.

After a few minutes later, the event officially started. There were segments, games and performances that was all executed very well for the sake of tamusement to all the guests today.

Include a dance circle where everyone can participate in on the ambiance of the music the DJ will be playing. Nayeon and Jeongyeon danced along, but you and Tzuyu didn't since you both preferred to eat.

When a romantic song was played next, several partners remained in the circle and danced to the beat. Maybe they were in a relationship as well, or maybe they just like to dance, you reasoned.

While you were observing them, Nayeon motioned for you to invite Tzuyu to dance. You were nervous since you didn't know how, but you'd do everything for your girl... you will try right? Even if it means looking ridiculous and embarrassing in order to make her happy.

So you strengthen yourself and increased your braveness, you stood in front of Tzuyu and offered your hand at her.

"Can I have you for a dance, Tzuyu?", you asked to her. She didn't had any words to say, she just let her heart act on its own as she accepted your hand and you pulled her inside the circle.

Nayeon and Jeongyeon smiled proudly at you and Tzuyu, so to give some way, they were the ones who stopped and went to your table to entertain Knight who got left alone.

It's just you and her in the circle now. You put your arms and hand on her waist and shoulder, and she put hers on the opposite side of yours.

You apologized to her for not being great at this but she didn't mind it. Again, she complimented you instead, which you always admire on her for being way too positive. The two of you just focused on the dance, not only feeling the rhythm of the song but also the affection of secret love you two had been keeping from each other.

Now it's free time and everyone can do what they want which ofcourse, anything that might ruin the event is prohibited, you are talking along with Jeongyeon and Nayeon while they're playing with Knight.

Then you noticed Tzuyu again in the distance, standing alone on the balcony. You recall her leaving you four for a while to get some fresh air, which is exactly what she's doing right now.

You decided to check on her since you were concerned that anything was wrong with her that she hadn't told you or even Nayeon and Jeongyeon.

"Uhh, Knight! Can you join Aunt Nayeon and Aunt Jeongie for a second?", you asked Knight, who was laughing with Nayeon. You made them all stare at you puzzled when you spoke their names.

"Hey, Nay you said you want to show your nephew here something?", you lied, then you persuaded her to say yes by pointing to the empty chair beside you that belonged to Tzuyu. Nayeon already understood what you meant, so she went with the flow.

"Oh yes yes, Knight! You're gonna like this.", Nayeon said, then motioned for you to proceed. You nodded gratefully to her and to Jeongyeon before returning to your seat.

You proceeded to this lady in black standing alone in front of the dashing and gloomy nightsky that properly matched her look tonight.

"Hey."

"Oh hi.", Tzuyu said. You noticed she flinched slightly. She hadn't expected you to come here with her.

"Did I scare you?"

"Not really.", she said, shaking her head.

You didn't avert your gaze from the side aspect of her face, which shows the beautiful structure of her jawline and chin, as well as her clear white skinned face illuminated by the moonlight. This scene simply takes your breath away.

" Is something wrong? You seem sad.", you asked worriedly.

"No i'm perfectly fine, Y/N. Promise.", Tzuyu said, but you couldn't help but be concerned about her. That's how well you want to take care of her. "Just went here because the view is so stupendous and glamour.", you wanted to gaze at the scenery she's staring at, but you thought there was something better to look at.

"You keep staring at my face, Y/N.", Tzuyu asked you out of nowhere, making you startle due to how unaware you are of it. She then glanced at you. "Didn't know that I would notice it, would you?"

"U-uhh s-sorry.", you chuckled nervously. "It's just... you really look damn heavenly cute and beautiful, Tzuyu. I can't keep my eyes off you.", drawing Tzuyu's attention to you while her heart melts from your kind words.

"When you walked onto the hallway, you even caught some of the eyes here at the guests. That's how strong your visual is."

"Thank you, Y/N. You look very handsome also tonight.", she said it again from earlier.

"Are you enjoying tonight?", you asked her.

"I do. What about you?"

"Yes, I am too.", you nodded very slightly. " If that's what you are feeling today then that's mine too... because, I just feel you.", you smiled. Tzuyu looked at you with her glittering, shiny black orbs in her eyes, feeling touched more at your continous agenda of firing some smooth moves on her.

Then the two of you fell silent, and all you could do was stare at each other. Tzuyu was tracing the proportions and details of your face, and you were doing the same.

Until those eyes locked right on each other's lips.

And then you two got caught up in the moment, slowly pushing each other's faces closer together until finally...

Your lips have finally made contact with hers for a kiss.

You two took the time to notice the warmth and smoothness of each other's lips, as well as the blossoming love between you two.

Butterflies are going wild inside at one another's stomach.

20 seconds later, both of you pulled away from the kiss. She looked away, feeling shy at what happened but you don't wait her to escape easily at that.

You grabbed his chin and she turned to face you. You then took her hand in yours and began kissing it.

"Y/N...", Tzuyu breathily calls your name.

"I love you, Tzuyu. I really am head over heels for you.", you straight ahead confessed to her, shocking her.

"Ever since I found you there on my door, I got mesmerized already at your beauty, and when you stayed at my place to become Knight's babysitter, I even had many more reasons to admire you. God, not just your looks that are breathtaking but everything about you.

Personality, smile, you name it. Knight is my source of happiness, yes... but there was this something new only you can make me feel this way no one will ever come close at. I became even more excited to go home from work because I wanted to be near from you.

And that at the exact moment... is when I knew I am admiring you and my crush for you is growing every single day. I've been wanting to say this to you but I was afraid that you'll reject me.", Tzuyu then looked at you with concern when that exact emotion became clearly visible to your face.

"You can't blame me, I never experienced to have this moment...", you shook your head, shrugging your shoulders. "But screw that, I can't take it anymore, even if you say no and break my heart, it's all fine. You're still worth the pain for me.", Tzuyu stared at you, speechless. It was incredibly nice and comforting to hear someone willing to sacrifice their heart being destroyed for the sake of the one they love the most, as long as they are happy, especially when you discover that the person referring to is you.

"I'll endure it all, everything for the girl I'm willing to give my whole world to her. Only, for you Tzuyu.", you said, looking at each other's hand that was clasped in a grip.

Tzuyu's heart felt like it was going to burst from the delight and sweetness she felt from every word you said.

"I know you already encountered a moment like this before to any other guys out there, but trust me... mine's sincere and with all my heart.", you said as you placed your palm on her chest. Tzuyu felt your rapid heartbeat that only belongs to her.

"Loving you was something I should be taken seriously about.", you said before kissing her knuckles again.

"I know, Y/N. I believe you.", It's now her turn to express her feelings for you. "I can see it from the way how you treat a woman like me in and out of your house, especially when it was all okay for you to let Knight acknowledge me as her mother just for the sake of his happiness.", you agreed, smiling at her message for you.

She then touched the side of your head and gently stroked your hair while admiring your attractive face. "Until tonight, until at this moment we're having right now, you solidified it more and proved to me already that you're one of a kind from them.", she grinned proudly at you.

"That was all enough for me to be convinced and to be sure at my feelings from you. And for a man like you who truly deserves nothing but pure happiness in life, I'll give you the one I know that's left for you to have.", she leaned closer to you, the gap between your faces narrowing.

She then placed her hand on the other side of your head, holding you while focusing her face directly in front of you.

"A lover, who I can be for you, because I do love you too, Y/N.", and you reacted quickly to the words you were pleading, begging, hoping, wishing, and so on. JUST EVERYTHING you want to say about how badly you wanted this to happen, to hear these beautiful words from the woman who alone occupies your heart and mind.

You drew her closer to you and went for another kiss, and both of you could feel that this one was far better because it was full of love this time.

You hugged her after letting go, burying your face at the crook of her neck, smelling the pleasany smell of her favorite lavender perfume.

"So this is what love feels like. Now I am living in my best dream of my life.", you whispered softly, but clearly enough for Tzuyu to hear because you're right next to her ear. "Thank you, Tzuyu."

"Always welcome, Y/N.", she hummed then giggled after when you gave a peck at her cheek.

You both then heard Knight's increasing voice from a distance, calling for you and Tzuyu.

"Looks like Knight is looking for us.", Tzuyu said, looking straight at you.

"Yeah let's go back now, he needs us.", both of you nodded as the two of you left the balcony and entered the room again to approach your step-son.

(4 YEARS LATER)

"Like I always promise, brother... I will finish what you started. Knight is in all good hands with his new family now. With us.", you replied, then turned to face your wife Tzuyu and Knight, who were sitting together in the grass, feeling the cold breeze of the air strike them.

You then returned back you gaze at the gravestone in front of you that belongs to your beloved childhood friend.

You paid him a visit to the cemetery today, as you always do. You brought Tzuyu and Knight with you this time.

"Me and Tzuyu will do our best to take responsibility as Knight's parents.The only things I guess I can request you can do is to look after us and distance us from danger.", "You then kneeled in front of his gravestone and placed your palm on top of it, feeling the longing you had for your bestfriend all over again.

"Have a nice day in heaven, mate.", you softly said, looking up at the sky as if you could see him there right now; you couldn't, but you know he's there.

You stood back up again and turned your body to call for your son. "Knight! Say goodbye to your papa here.

You, with Tzuyu by your side, have already informed Knight that he is adopted and that you are not his biological father. You introduced him to your friend and his wife, claiming they were his biological parents.

It felt like you needed to tell him the truth right away rather than keeping it a secret for him to discover later. That may sting even more, and he may despise or unforgive you for keeping this from him for so long, so you chose to do it now.

Of course, it was unpleasant for him, and he cried in his room... But you and Tzuyu were continuously checking on him and comforting him. Fortunately, Knight turned around and declared that he's fine with it. He accepted it, as well as the fact that you and Tzuyu are now his new family. He even praised both of you, especially you for being there for him after his father, your best friend, died.

You were grateful for it and thankful that he didn't take it with a lot of baggage in his heart.

Back in the present, you've decided to bring him along today so he can meet his parents. He may not be able to physically connect with them, but he can connect with them emotionally.

"Bye, papa. I love you. We'll come back next time.", he said as he waved goodbye at his father's grave.

"We'll get going now, bro.", you smiled, bidding your farewell at your friend with a nod. "Come on, Auntie Nayeon and Jeongyeon are waiting for us.", you say as you take Knight's hand and pull him with you as the two of you approach your wife Tzuyu, who is admiring the flower alongside the tree.

After 2 hours, it was just you and Tzuyu. You left Knight with your pal and his aunties Nayeon and Jeongyeon for a while because he couldn't be with you and Tzuyu for this one.

This is a special time only for the two of you to spend along. It is a date, and right now you just entered this fancy Japanese restaurant again after buying something outside.

You walked across the table where your wife Tzuyu is sitting, waiting for you to return.

"Here, flowers for you.", you gave to her the bouquet of roses you had in your mind. The customers and even the staffs of the restaurants are looking at the two of you, finding how sweet of a man you are to your woman.

"Happy 2nd wedding anniversary, my love.", you said as you kissed Tzuyu's cheek, making her blush.

"Thank you, love. Happy 2nd anniversary too.", she then looked again at the beautiful and fresh bouquet of roses she has on her arms, grinning at it.

"But wait, there's more.", you raised your finger at her. You reached something in your bag, which was a black medium sized box.

You opened it, revealing a shining, spakling necklace that spells her name.

"There, it looks perfect exactly as you.", you said proudly at her after you wear it to her. She gasped when she saw how beautiful her necklace is.

"The necklace is elegant and very beautiful, Y/N. I love it.", she said as she placed it on her palm and take a look closer at it.

" Glad you do, I really took some time to pick which I think is best for you.",you say as you return to your seat and face your gorgeous wife, who is flustered and moved by the gifts you gave her.

She placed the bouquet of roses aside of the table to give herself some space again on her seat. It's not only the reason, actually. She has something to do also that she planned only for you.

"Ofcourse, you won't gonna be the one who's have gifts for our day, I have one also for you too.", you said as she reached for her bag. "And I'm sure it's the most special.", She then took out a pink envelope tied with glittery yarn wrapped around it.

"Open it.", then she look in anticipation at you, placing her arms at the table and leaning her face closer.

You took the envelope and opened it. Then, you pulled out something inside of it.

"Ooh. What's this, huh?", then what's inside of it landed on your palm, revealing some three white devices that has two red lines in it. It took quite a moment before it sinked in to you what these really are.

"Wait... these are..oh God, am I thinking right, Tzu? Is this real?", you were completely dumbfounded at these pregnancy tests you'te holding in your hand.

"Yup.", she answered happily. "Congrats, daddy Y/N because our first baby is coming!", she cupped your cheeks then pinched it, making you gasp wider at this surprise of hers. She was right, this was the most special gift tonight.

"Tzuyu... wow.", you mouthed. What happened next was that you rushed out to your seat and got closer to your wife.

"COME HERE!", you exclaimed, pulling her in for a tight hug and kissing her cheek deeply. Because of how insane you appear, the other people in the restaurant glanced at you again, curiously and strangely.

But screw that, you don't mind them. What's important to think about is this newly unlocked one of the greatest moment you had with Tzuyu.

" YEEEESSSSS! OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO BE A FATHER NOW.", and the people finally realized what was going on, and they all clapped and congratulated you and Tzuyu, making her feel awkward and shy for drawing their attention to you and her.

You both looked at them and bowed in gratitude for their well wishes.

"Alright, you definitely win. You got the best gift." you said and lets out a chuckle. "And the night has just gotten better as usual again, since I found you."

" Same here too, Y/N. Still, yours is also special too, okay?", you kissed her on the lips, then grabbed her hand in yours, and paced together at her stomach, where your future kid or daughter is staying so far.

"Oh you better sure to take a rest when we go home."

"Looks like daddy is protective already for his baby, huh?", Tzuyu teased you, that made you laugh . She also laughed at you from how shy and guilty you looked.

"Oh yes I am, because I can't wait to have this and raise it with you.", you gently caressed her palms with your thumb.

"Knight will be so happy when he finds out that he's going to be a brother now.", Tzuyu stated.

That elicited a nod of agreement from you. "Indeed. That's why I'm excited for us to tell it to him later.", you smiled.

"But for now, let's focus on our date.", Tzuyu said as you gently stood up and returned to your seat to wait for each other's dinner and begin your anniversary celebration with your wife, Chou Tzuyu.

                                                              -🦌- A/N: I'm back! Sorry if I haven't updated this book for 2 weeks now, I really had so many things to do at school and even here at my house.

What's even harder is that I'm suffering from anxiety these days that's why when I finished publishing two one-shots in TWICE Ships book, I can't write for another entry here in this book since I'm literally all messed up right now, especially my mind. I can't focus on thinking very well.So, I apologize if you guys might find this one suck, boring or messier than my previous works. I just tried my best to make another one before I finish first all my remaining tasks and then rest after for a while.

Happy 3K reads to this book also! Thank you again everyone for the love and support!

[endcant]

aimless musings on subgenre, citypop, and internet subcultures

theres something very interesting about watching citypop become very mainstream in korea and watching that feed back into both western listeners’ opinions and also into the sometimes-cynical efforts of a variety of kpop producers

a lot of people in the youtube/kpop sphere talk about the growth of citypop as if it were a spontaneous wave that appeared out of nowhere with mariya takeuchi’s plastic love getting picked up by the youtube algorithm in like 2018 or whatever, but thats a very like online-ignorant view of the interaction between vintage japanese music and worldwide online EDM production. citypop has been used in future funk and vaporwave for almost a decade by now, and, as a result, a number of citypop songs took off on social media here and there before plastic love’s acceleration— dress down by kaworu akimoto is one of the big examples off the top of my head, but there’s likely many many more.

“Plastic Love” by Mariya Takeuchi (1984). if you haven’t heard this yet, you’d better listen to it now. The video that first went viral was uploaded in 2017

“Selfish High Heels” by Yung Bae, Macross 82-99, and Harrison (2014) is a popular Future Funk remixes of Dress Down by Kaoru Akimoto (1986)

people who haven’t been very aesthetically literate online over the years— musically or visually, since those things are tied in subcultures— treat things like they come from nowhere. there are ongoing subcultural conversations that lead to certain aesthetic choices, and when someone tries to cash in on a trend without understanding what the trend is, that leads people to call bullshit. calling bullshit is not meanspirited, in my opinion, because it very much is like somebody who can’t speak a language getting up in front of everybody and saying “hey, i’m fluent!” and then speaking some vaguely that-language-sounding nonsense. of course people who genuinely speak that language will be outraged instinctively. it feels like being mocked.

that’s why the difference between music producers picking up on a trend cynically and music producers picking up on a trend with earnest interest in that trend’s origins feels different, even if the producers are similarly distant from the original subculture that produced that trend.

“Lady” by Yubin (2018) committed hard to the 80s JP citypop aesthetic, musically and visually, down to the sets, all fairly early in the major resurgence.

i’m sure that anyone with a passing familiarity with citypop and kpop can ascertain that not all kpop producers know what citypop is and what makes it citypop. all they know is that it is on-trend and they have to make it. not all kpop listeners know what citypop is and what makes it citypop. all they know is their idol said citypop as a buzzword in their little prepared statement. all this results in some interesting moments for me as a Music Fan, Online.

here is where i get to the thing that spurred this post: loona “did a citypop” for their japanese comeback. it doesnt sound like citypop.

“Hula Hoop (Citypop Version)” by Loona (2021). It has very odd percussion rhythms and mixing for citypop, no real attempt at a citypop verse, and strangely sparse gestures towards citypop in the form of a few seconds of bass and some synthesized orchestral embellishments that were taken from the original mix …all in spite of a very disco-inspired melody that should have worked perfectly for citypop

this is not a very big deal, and im not mad about it or anything. when a kpop act i like gets saddled with an unfortunate B-Side track i dont tend to take it very hard. however, it did raise a little bit of musical discourse in the loona fandom— in the form of remixes.

“hula hoop if it was actually a citypop song” by loonahatetwinks and Olivia Soul on youtube. this one has an original instrumental that is spot-on for contemporary k-citypop

My most favorite one of these remixes is a futurefunk remix by ZSunder, one of the very best LOONA fan producers. The fact that ZSunder thought to make a future funk remix at all speaks more to an understanding of the mutually supportive relationship between citypop and EDM genres than most kpop citypop producers or fanmixers seem to care to know about.

“Hula Hoop (Future Funk Mix)” by ZSunder is futurefunk made and mixed with such love that it has the infectious summery energy of a polished, big-name future funk hit

in the comments of this video, some people seemed to get the citypop-future funk connection and some didnt. many did get it, don’t get me wrong! but also, its not all that surprising for some kpop-focused listeners to not know much about EDM subcultures and the reasons behind various trends among producers, since kpop as an institution tends to take influences from any genre and culture it likes and then decontextualize those influences by just having their names used as buzzwords in the blurbs the idols have to recite when variety show hosts ask them about their latest single. this isn’t a criticism of the genre or the fans really, it’s just a part of the kpop industry that is used to add shine to an endless firehose-like stream of polished pop tracks. there are some issues with using whole genres and subcultures with complex histories as buzzwords, but god help us if we ever want a pop industry to give its influences their dues.

anyway, the intention behind ZSunder’s future funk Hula Hoop remix happened to remind me me of why i love Yukika’s discography so much, especially the Soul Lady album. I’ve seen some reviews online baffled by parts of Soul Lady, because the album in general is an exploration of that relationship between citypop and modern/internet EDM. i’ve seen plenty of Soul Lady reviews especially baffled by pit-a-pet, saying something along the lines of “what’s with the modern-sounding dance track in the middle of a retro album?”, but i think that pit-a-pet is a futurefunk-inspired track, at least in the chorus. considering both that and the Chill Lo-Fi Interludes, it seems like estimate’s team put together Soul Lady for Yukika in a way that shows that they love citypop and understand the online-specific electronic music subcultures that led to citypop’s resurgence.

“pit-a-pet” by Yukika (2020). the stacatto, bass heavy chorus is futurefunk enough, but the soaring orchestral part in the final chorus seals the deal for my interpretation.

“All Flights Are Delayed (1 hour version)” by Yukika (2020). Estimate literally released an hour-long youtube mix of one of the Lo-Fi interludes on Soul Lady as part of their promotion, clearly inspired by “Lo-Fi anime beats to chill out to,” which is another example of online producers from around the world using Japanese samples as a focal point of their music

Estimate, in the end, is still a Kpop production company, just the same as BBC, so they have no inherent claim over citypop, but the way that their exploration of subgenres clearly comes from passion and interest on the part of their production staff makes it so that their work with Yukika rings true. on the other hand, i really appreciate Ryan S. Jhun’s work on LOONA’s JP comeback, as well as on Not Friends, but the citypop mix thing was so clearly an afterthought to the point where fans of Loona who like citypop seem mostly just irritated by the cynical-seeming attempt.

heres one last good modern kpop citypop MV that has nods to the internet culture that led to its revival in the form of the videography— vaporwave, future funk, lofi, and other internet genres along those lines tend to have videos consisting of looping anime and vhs clips. future funk in particular is known for this, especially since a lot of future funk music, esp early future funk, is just loops of very short, catchy segments of citypop and disco songs. it’s all about the loops

“My Type” by Yoon JongShin ft. Miyu Takeuchi (2019). This song is so dedicated to the retro JP citypop sound that it’s almost beyond my personal taste. The singer, Miyu, was a headlining act at a seoul citypop festival and sang this song as part of her act (:

this video of “Only One” by Conscious Thoughts (2015) has a looped clip as an example for comparison with My Type. it also has a pulsing sidechain compressor working in time with its drum beat in a way that is common for future funk and that i think is a good example for my pit-a-pet yukika comparison to future funk

i guess the takeaway here is that media is more and more online, and the creation and propagation of digital audio and video content has been in the hands of literally almost anybody who wants to do it for the past two decades thanks to garage band and fruityloops and audacity and tiktok and youtube and bandcamp and soundcloud and myspace and newgrounds and p2p file sharing and so on and so forth. and therefore like… as with all things, the consumer class more and more is also the creator class, and therefore every member of an audio-visual subculture will have the ability to discern what is and isnt made with knowledge of the audio-visual language of that subculture

[rainbowsky]

Final round-up of fan fic asks

I've gotten a few more interesting responses to the fan fic discussion so I'm going to round them all up here. This will be my final post on the topic until/unless there's a dramatic new development, or a particularly notable response I want to highlight. Thanks to everyone who brought their thoughts and experiences to the topic. I hope everyone at least feels heard.

The biggest piece of advice that I would like to offer is for everyone to focus on what they love rather than what they hate. If we all did that, the world would be a better place. Alongside that, I'd like to remind everyone to please support authors whose work you like. It's so important. Give them a kudos, give them a nice comment, recommend their work to others. You never know what kind of grief and harassment they are dealing with to bring you these great stories, and our support means a lot.

This is in reference to previous posts here and here.

Anonymous asked:

With regard to fandom and fan fic issue, my years of experience being part of very large fandoms has led me to believe that big accounts are v important in facilitating and enforcing the general consensus of the whole fandom. Unless there will be big accs who'll remind everyone of being respectful & just not being a dick over other's preferences, nothing will change.

This is also the reason why I think certain solo fandoms have adapted weird and twisted narratives as their general fandom story because no big acc has tried to police them & and say hey pls be rational. Whether we like it or not, in a place where how far voices, ideas, tweets, posts get heard is based on the number of followers you have, big accs will have the power and influence in creating/curating/shifting the narratives.

So, if you want to know why your/our fandom thinks like this in general, look at what big accs are tweeting/posting, look at what ideas & values they follow, look at their preferences or how strongly they react to certain situations. it's taxing and toxic for big accs given the nature of social media these days, but it's also the reality of system, the more followers/audience you have, the more influence you will have.

So to anyone reading this I hope we all practice more restraint and reflection before we post anything. Remember that words, no matter what medium you write it in, will always carry weight.

So true. It is easy - even for myself who spends a fair chunk of time answering people's asks - to forget that people can sometimes be impressionable and what we say can influence people whether that's our intent or not. I get used to thinking of myself as a regular guy just doing my own thing when sometimes my thoughts and words go well beyond where I initially posted them.

I think it's important for us to be careful what we say, and it's equally important to be careful what we take from what other people say. Especially when it comes to big claims. Always get a second, third, fourth opinion and don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something doesn't sit right or sounds confusing.

It's also important to reflect on how our words and actions might affect other people's experience of fandom, and err on the side of 'live and let live' wherever possible. It's great to have our own preferences and to champion them, but we should try to do so in a way that leaves space for other people and perspectives.

The more unique perspectives and the more friendly, open dialog there is, the healthier the community will be as a whole.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging and guiding growth in the particular areas we are interested in, as long as it doesn't step on, oppress or attack those who are peacefully enjoying something different.

Anonymous 2 asked: bjyx fans attacking gdgdbaby for including zsww/lsfy dynamics in an event named bjyx then turning right around and attacking the zsww/lsfy event organizer for excluding bjyx? god, can you hear my facepalm and sigh of resignation and incredulity from over there? im genuinely not surprised that they're trying to drive an entire part of the fandom out by disgusting them (and me) with these immature tactics. i believe what im about to say next will sound quite bait-y and i respect your decision 1/?

should you choose not to post this. but i do know that it is not only me, in fact there are many out there, that is of this opinion. we just dont talk about it on twitter to avoid the potential mess it will bring lol. okay, here goes nothing. (do note that im talking about the majority here, not every single person is like this) so bjyx fans tend to be cishet females whereas zsww/lsfy fans are more diverse in terms of age and gender, and most of them are part of the queer community too 2/?

i would like to clarify that most of these zsww/lsfy fans are not dynamic exclusive (in the sense that they are friendly and interact with all ggdd fans) they just prefer to "identify" themselves as zsww/lsfy fans (on twitter specifically) just to form a distinction from bjyx fans who mostly are dynamic exclusive (as in; they do not consume non-bjyx content, and straightup refuse to interact with non-bjyx fans, often blocking them). as a result, id say that the zsww/lsfy communiy is way more 3/?

mature and respectful (after all, they're mostly queer people talking about a queer ship) whereas many problems in this fandom, such as the homophobia, adamantly insisting on "drawing lines" between dynamics, stem from the bjyx exclusive fans, comprised of cishet females who "may not know better". so, it is of no surprise to me that they're resorting to these immature tactics of calling gg unsavory names, and organizing retaliatory events with controversial topics in an attempt to "purify". 4/4

I trust that you have arrived at that theory through your own experience and observation. I haven't personally spent much time immersed in this stuff so I can't claim to have any real insight or expertise. If you say that's your experience of it, then at the very least that's how you've seen things up to this point.

I just want to say that I think we should always be careful about making assumptions about people's age, gender/gender identity, etc.

There are plenty of good reasons to avoid doing that; because those assumptions could be very wrong, because those assumptions are often laced with ageism, sexism, etc., because those assumptions - even when correct - might not be an accurate basis for the conclusions we draw.

But the primary reason I recommend avoiding those type of assumptions is because anything that enables us to clump a group of people together in our minds like that will tend to make them easier to demonize and dehumanize. They are no longer individuals who are each responsible for their own unique perspectives, they are now 'the X group' who is known for 'A B C series of easily attackable ideas or behaviors'.

If we attribute undesirable traits and behaviors to a group of people we feel opposed to in some way, that makes us feel more righteous and justified in behaving unfairly toward them, dismissing their humanity and warring with them. It's just risky behavior to engage in, even when it's well-intentioned.

There might actually be some truth to what you're saying. It could very well be that most of these people are young, inexperienced, heteronormative, etc. but if that's the case then we should try to use those traits to better understand and empathize rather than to better dismiss and discredit.

Just my two cents on that.

It can be really frustrating dealing with what feels like other people attacking us, trying to oppress us, etc. - especially when there are more of them than there are of us. In my experience the best solutions to that sort of problem are generally the ones that focus on what we are doing and want to do rather than what they are doing that we don't want them to do.

As I am always preaching, we can't control what other people say, do or think. The only thing we have any control over is what we say, do and think (and how we respond to what they say, do and think).

I have found in my experience that the moment I step out of a conflict mindset and instead step into a problem-solving mindset, everything starts to come together. I feel better, my outlook is more positive, I can begin to see solutions and allies rather than problems and enemies, and most of all, I become more focused on what I am doing than what others are doing.

So I would recommend everyone who is invested in resolving these conflicts focus on that. "How can we best showcase and encourage the types of stories we enjoy?" instead of "How can we stop these other people from doing things we dislike?"

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello again! It’s anon #3 from the fanfic post. I really do appreciate reading your thoughts on various issues like this, so thank you for always taking time to write in depth. As for supporting without going to war, the simplest way has always been to just show appreciation for the creators, hype them up. Kudos are the easiest way on ao3 but comments in addition are great. This goes for all content—art, fics, vids..etc. Creators love to see and read how people react to their content. Sharing is also great, fic recs are very helpful, just be cautious with art and reposting though. Hope this helps a bit!

Thanks so much, Anon. I think this is excellent advice. And it's true that appreciation is great, but helping to expand the audience is also great. Recommending stories, pointing people to the pages/websites of artists we like (as opposed to reposting), sharing our own ideas and approaches, encouraging people to try new things... all of this helps build healthier communities.

And here's another one: WRITE! DRAW! CREATE!

I urge anyone with creative interests or talents to bring their voices to the community because we all can benefit from hearing from you.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts on this issue. I hope that over time we can all work in positive ways to improve the situation.

I think this subject has been well-covered now so I'm going to retire it for the time being. If anyone still feels they want to discuss it further please feel free to message me privately. Thanks.

[pedros-mustache-main]

when your love reaches me (iii)

summary: 1978 is decidedly not 2020. nor is your life ever the same when you meet a guitarist, curly haired, soft spoken, and true.

word count: 7.5k

warnings: angst, language, yearning for a man in his 70s (c’est la vie, i guess), over-describing a moment i’m very passionate about (sorry, not sorry! ten points to the person who can tell me what moment it is LOL)

a/n: wow—this gif? yeah, match made in heaven. thank you all so much for indulging me in this mini-series. i really am very proud of this silly little thing & i’m sad that it’s over because i enjoyed writing it so much. thank you to @im-an-adult-ish​ & @deacyblues​ for helping me work out the rough spots in this one. would love to hear everyone’s thoughts because i’m very ~emotional~ about this mini-series!! xoxo.

part i, part ii

in this final chapter: you must adjust because it’s not in your cards to be with him, is it?

you run your hands down your face, feel the ring on your finger catch along the end of your nose, and sigh. two months—two months without him. two months to adjust to world you once knew but happily left behind. two months to gather the pieces of the life which cruelly slipped through your fingers like water. 

each day is the same. you rise early and take your coffee on the postage stamp terrace outside your flat. you watch the sun climb higher in the sky with each passing moment and let the warmth of your drink soothe the ache in your soul. you wash your breakfast dishes, mumble a good morning to rachel when she exits her bedroom to make her way to the shower, and dress for the day. you walk to campus if you have a class or take the underground to the museum if you have a shift. you come home, eat dinner, go to bed. repeat.

if rachel notices a change in you, she doesn’t say anything. in her mind, no time has passed between the morning where she asked you to come to the pub and the same evening you tumbled into the flat, drenched and sobbing. 

but you—you’ve lost a year of your life. there’s no getting it back, and the only thing that proves it really truly happened is the ring on your middle finger, the necklace hanging by your heart, and the undeveloped rolls of film in your bedside table.

there are few words to describe the unbearable pain in your chest. anything and everything reminds you of brian: the whisper of the breeze in the autumn-heavy trees; the feeling of your warmest cardigan around your shoulders; the sound of someone laughing in the museum.

but there’s more:

the scent of cigarette smoke reminds you of roger. the sight of two friends ribbing one another in a grocery store reminds you of crystal. a colorful jacket makes you think of freddie, a whispered snide remark takes you back to john, and two girls giggling reminds you of giddy moments with anna.

around every corner you turn there’s a memory you cannot avoid, and it hurts—desperately, keenly, deeply.

so you push it all away and soldier on, quiet and downtrodden. it’s easier that way. maybe, if you forget, you can move on and make it through life without him.

six months after you’ve left brian behind, you’re approached by your boss at the museum with an opportunity you’d only ever dreamed of: the chance to create and prepare your own exhibit. 

monica is firm when she offers you the south wing to reshape as your own. “blow this out of the water, [y/n], and there will be a job as assistant curator waiting for you after graduation. i want something fresh and exciting. think you can manage?”

you agree without hesitation.

for the first time in a long time, you can’t help but smile to yourself. this is your chance to put everything you’ve learned to good use, to put something tangible in your portfolio, to make a name for yourself. 

you’re buzzing with excitement and have to practically hold rachel hostage as you spout your myriad of thoughts and ideas. she’s your sounding board, even if she doesn’t want to be, but she’s honest where it counts most, and you’re grateful for that.

she glances over the kitchen table, laden with open magazines, cutout photos, and history books. her brow puckers. “this is... really boring, [y/n],” she says with a cringe, looking up with her blue eyes and freckled face.

your shoulder droop. “that’s it? that’s all you have to say?”

she shrugs and reaches for a photo, inspecting it with a critical gaze. “i mean, ancient textiles might be interesting to you and maybe five other people, but it isn’t exactly blowing me out of the water.”

dropping to the seat across the table, you huff. “well, we’re a photography museum, rachel. it’s not like i can whip up a few outfits and put them on mannequins.”

“excuse me, but fashion design is just as artistic as curating a museum—if not more so.” she sighs and puts the photo of a thirteenth century chinese table linen on the table. “there must be something else you’re interested in? something that other people will like just as much?”

you don’t mean to, but you let your eyes trail to the camera sitting on on the tv stand. you’d left it there after your return, uncertain where to put it. sometimes you catch a glimpse of it out of the corner of your eye and then you remember the tubes of film in your bedroom, undeveloped and unseen. 

rachel follows your gaze. “you know, you never told me where you got that.”

“it was a gift.”

“oh really? from who?”

you’re slow to answer. the truth sits on the tip of your tongue—the man i love, the man i was going to marry—but you bite it back. “my great-aunt. she left it to me... in her will.”

you aren’t sure what compels you to retrieve the six rolls of film from your bedroom, but you do. the tubes feel heavy in your palm and clang against the table as you put them down. rachel looks at them then back at you, waiting.

“she gave me these, too.”

“i didn’t know you had a great-aunt.”

“we weren’t close.”

“obviously you were close enough to get these things.” rachel lifts one of the tubes, turning it over in her palm. “wonder what the pictures are.”

“i’m not sure,” you lie. “maybe they could make an exhibit.”

“i think you’d have to develop them first then make that decision.” she rises from the table and shrugs on her coat. “i’ve got a date, so don’t wait up. and try not to let this consume you too much? you’ve been down and out lately. i think the work will do you good, but don’t let it take over, yeah?”

you nod and wish her well on her date. she leaves the flat in a flourish, leaves you to the tubes of film and the growing curiosity in your stomach.

you really should get them developed. if not for an exhibit, then for yourself. an entire year of your life is in those tubes, and you deserve to see the photos you’d taken to preserve that time.

it’s been six months. you’ve purposefully distanced yourself from anything and everything related to queen, be it a simple news story, a song on the radio, or any of roger or brian’s social media posts. it hurts to see them, to know that they’re so close yet so far away, that they have no idea what became of you all those years ago in japan.

still, it’s been six months. developing the film might be your first step toward a sense of closure. you don’t want to stay in your rut forever. though you’re comfortable with the idea that brian might be your great love and you’ll never find another, you know you can’t stay as you are, sullen and despondent. it’s like a break-up, really. you’re sad, heartbroken over the loss, but you know it’s time to step out of the hurt and into something different.

before you can stop yourself, you grab the rolls of film, your purse, and your jacket, and you head for the nearest photo shop.

a few hours later, you return with a heavy packet of freshly-printed photographs and a usb drive full of digital scans. there’s over two hundred photos to sort through, and you’ve yet to see one. 

flipping on the light to your living room, you sit down beside the coffee table, a glass of wine at your side, the table cleared of any lingering books or empty teacups. before you open the packet of photos, you open your laptop and type your search into the search bar. if you’re going to quell your curiosity tonight, you might as well quell all of it, and you’re dying to know what happened after you left. 

a simple internet search confirms what you already know: your presence within the group on the jazz tour did not alter any significant events. freddie still passed away, john still retired. a further search yields at least one previously nonexistent queen song written by brian may: “into thin air.” it was released in the album following jazz. you can’t bring yourself to listen to it, not yet. a deeper search unearths an interview brian gave a year or so after you left. the interview was published in a magazine editorial covering of each of queen’s band members and their lives when not on tour or recording. after freddie’s bit, there’s a photograph of brian at the top of a new page. he’s smiling, but he looks weary and he mentions you only once: “i was engaged for awhile, but that ended in an unfortunate circumstance, so to answer your question: no, i’m not looking for love. not right now, anyway.”

you close the laptop and lean back against the sofa. the ring on your finger feels heavy. your eyes fill with unshed tears, and you decide the photos can wait to be seen until tomorrow.

the packet of photos ends up sitting on the coffee table for two weeks before you invite your co-worker, shamik, over for wine and cheese and museum gossip. shamik is kind, a first-generation immigrant from india with personality to spare and an exuberance for all things american. he claims it’s his greatest curse that his parents brought him to britain as a baby instead of america, and it’s something he can never forgive them for. you’ve only interacted with shamik at work, but when you mention your exhibit project, he’s eager to offer his help. with no new ideas outside ancient textiles, you’re willing to take whatever advice or ideas he has.

sitting beside him on the couch, you spread your collection of papers and pictures on the table to explain your vision. he listens dutifully, nodding along, his eyes scanning the 3-d projection you’ve made of what the exhibit might look like once completed. when you’ve finished your spiel, he sets his wine glass down and nods to the packet of unopened photographs on the edge of the table.

“what’s that?”

you frown, shaking your head at the sudden turn in conversation. “sorry?”

he reaches for the manilla envelope. “oh, it’s hefty! what’s in here?”

you sigh and take the packet from his hands. it feels solid in your lap, like a brick. “photos from my great-aunt.”

he points to the sealed flap. “it’s unopened.”

“i haven’t gotten the chance to look through it yet.” setting the packet to the side, you raise your eyebrows. “well, what do you think? about the exhibit?”

“honestly? it’s dull. monica won’t be impressed.”

you throw yourself back against the couch with a groan. “what the hell,” you whisper. “i’ve got no ideas then.”

you know ancient textile photography would not be the most enticing exhibit, but it’s been an interest of yours for some time and would be easy enough to complete. shamik and rachel’s reactions do not bode well, you have to admit. having a job as an assistant curator right out of the gate would be beyond marvelous, and you desperately don’t want to screw it up with a boring first exhibit.

“let’s have a look at these pictures from your aunt!” before you can stop him, shamik reaches across your lap for the photo packet and rips open the top. “maybe that will spark some ideas?”

you lean forward, blush already rising to your cheeks as he pulls out the first picture. “oh no, shamik, i don’t know if—”

“holy shit!”

you shut your eyes, wincing.

“that’s fucking freddie mercury!” shamik grabs your shoulder, his fingers digging into your flesh. “did you know about this, [y/n]? that’s your aunt with freddie mercury!”

forcing your eyes open, you look at the photo trembling between his fingers. it’s a picture of you sitting beside freddie on the tour bus. (you think john took the photo in an effort to get you to stop taking photos of him when he was asleep while roger and crystal placed as many items on his head as they could before he fully awoke.) your head is against freddie’s shoulder, your eyes droopy with sleep. a lump rises in your throat, and all you can do is shake your head in feigned disbelief as shamik continues to shuffle through the photos.

“oh my god, your aunt was a groupie,” he cries, passing you another photo.

“i guess—” you clear your throat. “i guess she was.”

“you know”—shamik sets the pile of photos down and spreads them across the table, obscuring your vision of an ancient textiles display—“this would make a great exhibit.”

“shamik—” your voice is a warning, a sudden surge of anger rising in your chest, but he continues.

“no, really, [y/n]! there are so many photos here that tell such a cutesy little story. i mean, come on? freddie and this cat?” he lifts the photo in question. “it’s stuff people have never seen before from a totally different side of queen. it’s a fucking goldmine!” 

“absolutely not,” you say. “i will not put my aunt’s personal affairs on display.”

“think of monica, [y/n]! think of the job!”

“no, shamik!” you stand from the table and drop your plates in the kitchen sink with a resolute clatter. “i barely knew my aunt, but i know enough to gather that her time with queen was private. she didn’t say anything about it until she died. that’s got to mean something, and i don’t want to air it all out for everyone to see and speculate and gossip about just for my own personal gain.”

you’re shouting, fists clenched at your sides, by the time you finish. shamik just stares at you, his face blank and unreadable. he glances down at a photo. 

“she looks a lot like you,” he says, his voice even.

you huff and take the wine glasses from the table. “we’ve got strong family genes. now, please, i’d appreciate it if you just drop the whole queen thing. we can find some other idea.”

you gather the photos, shove them back in the folder, and toss the envelope in the nearest drawer you can find. the drawer slams shut, and you leave the photos there to gather dust.

you mull over shamik’s idea of an exhibit based on your photos for a month before you finally relent. monica’s riding your ass daily with questions about your progress. you need to get something down on paper for her to give to the contractors, so you begrudgingly type out a response to her most recent email:

monica,

i’ve landed on an exhibit topic at last. took me long enough, right? 

i’ve recently come into possession of a series of photographs taken by my late great-aunt. turns out she was a groupie with the band queen in the ‘70s. my exhibit will be centered around those photos. i’m thinking the exhibit will be titled “queen: unfiltered.” do with that what you will. :)

monica, much to your dismay, loves the idea and sends you right to work on gathering and laying out your vision while she begins the necessary promotion.

it hurts at first—looking at all the photos you took, remembering the way you felt so unearthly happy during that year. you cry each time you sit down to sort out the best of the pictures. the ones which capture a moment of levity amongst the band or are particularly well-shot go in a pile on the left. the ones which didn’t develop well or are too intimate for you to ever consider putting on display go in a pile on the right. your bedroom floor is a mess of drafted captions written on slips of printer paper, photographs with notes scrawled along the back, and used tissues. more than anything, you wish you could step into the world behind those photographs. you want to be back there—with him, with them—until you grow old and gray. knowing you can’t, that you won’t ever see him again, tears you apart inside.

but it helps. the exhibit forces you to acknowledge the time you spent with brian, with queen. instead of leaving the photos in a drawer, they confront you everyday as you sit down to work, and everyday it gets a little bit easier to face your past. as the tears subside, you find yourself laughing whenever you find a new photo of roger’s antics. your heart doesn’t clench as much when you run across another photo of you and brian. you can smile now when you look at his face. he really was so handsome...

you go so far as to frame your favorite photograph of your time together and place it on your dresser. he’s got his arms wrapped around you from behind, his chin settled on the top of your head. you’re laughing, your hands folded on his arms, legs crossed as you tilt to the side. he’s making a face, his tongue stuck out at the camera, and every time you pass by the picture, you can’t help but chuckle.

you love him still. you’ll love him always.

with three weeks before the opening of the exhibit, the stress is starting to get the better of you. you’ve bitten your nails down to the quick, there’s heavy bags under your eyes from lack of sleep, and you can’t remember the last time you consumed something other than coffee. despite the stress, you feel lighter. working through the photos, laying them out in order, writing the captions, pouring over the faces of the ones you love so dearly—it’s all helped ease the burden in your heart. for the first time in a long time, you slip out of bed in the mornings with a newfound sense of energy and purpose.

life will go on. just as you did when you fell into the past, you will find a new future.

arms laden with exhibit proposals and mock-ups, you brush into your local coffee shop—pretty bird—intent on getting some real work done on choosing the final photographs before you send them off to be printed. you order your usual and take a seat by the front. the air which wafts through the open window at your side is warm with spring and rebirth, and you breathe deep, cracking open the lid of your laptop. you manage to pick a total of twelve of the seventy-six needed photographs before you’re interrupted.

“whatcha workin’ on?” matthew, barista extraordinaire and casual acquaintance, sits down on the bench across from you. he has his own cup of cold brew poised between his lips, and the piercing in his eyebrow wiggles as he moves his brow up and down.

“an exhibit for the museum,” you say, pausing to roll your tight shoulders. “it’s my first.”

“do tell!”

you explain, briefly, how to came to acquire your dead aunt’s photographs and the general theme of the showcase. he nods in approval then snaps as if he’s remembered something.

“hold on. stay right there. i’ll be right back.” he puts his coffee down, scoots off of the bench, and darts to the back of the coffee shop. you wait and listen to the sound of the birds twittering outside before he returns with a framed picture in hand. “i just learned about this,” he says, taking his seat again. “this building used to be a disco back in the 70s.” he hands you the frame and points to a collection of people in the middle of a disco bar. “that’s queen. they came here once and somebody had the smarts to take a picture.”

your hands shake around the photograph, eyes darting from one corner of the picture to another. 

matthew keeps talking. “the place was called climax. can you believe that? the 70s were fuckin’ wild, mate.”

you nod, lips parted, and skim your fingers over the incredibly tall and recognizable form of brian in the center of the photo. you can see your shoulder, jammed between freddie and crystal, but the rest of your body is obscured. you lift your eyes from the frame and glance around the coffee shop, at the exposed metal beams and vaulted ceilings, at the disco ball still hanging in the center of the room.

makes sense now. why the building had felt so eerily familiar back then.

handing matthew the picture frame, you sit back in your chair. “wonder if my aunt ever came,” you say.

“maybe? sounds like she was in pretty tight. you know who you could ask?” you shake your head, uncertain of matthew’s question. “chris taylor. he was a roadie back then. he’s a regular here. comes in at least twice at week.”

you can’t stop the hand that flies to your mouth in surprise. you try to smother your gasp with a cough, but matthew still stares at you like you’ve sprouted another head. 

“you okay?” he asks warily.

nodding, you take a sip of your drink. “yeah, yeah, sorry! wrong pipe.”

“so, do you want to meet him and ask about your aunt?”

everything in you screams to say no. it’s too dangerous. you will surely break the moment you see him. crystal became your lifeline apart from brian during that year. he was your brother, your partner in crime, the one who kept you grounded when things got too wild. just knowing that he’s frequented the same coffee shop as you for the last six months brings tears to your eyes. you could have run into him. hell, you might’ve already. still, you aren’t sure if you’d be able to make it through a proper meeting without spilling your guts and apologizing for the way you left.

“[y/n]?” matthew pulls you from your thoughts. “what do you think?”

you hesitate before shrugging. you speak before you can stop yourself, before the rational and reasonable part of you can take over. god, you need this. if it’s your only opportunity for true closure, you’ll take it. “if he’s up to it then... sure.”

matthew grins. “come in tomorrow. i’ll introduce you!”

that night you toss and turn. you’re plagued with anxiety. will crystal recognize you? if he does, what will he say? will he be angry? what if he tells brian and then—

your bedside alarm goes off just as you fall asleep. it’s a struggle to drag yourself out of bed, but you must. there’s closure somewhere around the corner, and if you just move your ass, you’ll find it. you have one class this morning then your meeting with crystal. you’re jittery by the time you leave class, but you chalk that up to drinking two cups of coffee before leaving your flat and one in class. 

it’s drizzling as you make your way to the coffee shop. you hasten your steps, head bent against the rain and fingers curled around the strap of your bag. when you enter the shop, it’s nearly empty aside from a few lonesome students studying in far off corners. you can hear the faint thrill of music over the loudspeakers, but the blood that’s rushing to your ears blocks out most of the melody.

crystal’s already here, leaning against the counter, in conversation with matthew.

you stop in your tracks. he’s bald now, slightly pudgier with age, but he looks every bit as devilish as you remember.

you swallow past the fear in your throat and the anxiety in your veins and step forward. you voice wobbles when you speak. “matthew?” you direct your entrance to your friend because if you come right out and say crystal’s name, you will surely fall over in a puddle of emotion.

“there you are!” matthew jumps over the counter in one easy leap and lands to the floor beside you. he drapes his arm around your shoulders and motions to crystal. “[y/n], i’d like you to meet chris taylor. chris, this is [y/n], the girl i was telling you about.”

crystal’s staring at you through his blue-tinted glasses like he’s seen a ghost. his jaw has gone slack, his mouth opening and closing as he tries to formulate a sentence. 

you shove your hand into the space between you. “nice to meet you, mr. taylor.”

looking between matthew and yourself, he gathers himself, clearing his throat, and shakes your hand. “you too.”

“should we sit?” you motion to the same table you occupied the day before. “i can buy you a coffee for your troubles.”

he shakes his head and lifts his cup. “already got mine.”

“all right, well...” you glance at matthew.

“do you want your regular?” he asks.

“yes, please.”

“comin’ right up.”

crystal follows you to the table and sits down, his movements slow. for a moment, you sit in silence and allow his eyes to roam your face. you can’t tell if he knows it’s you or if he thinks it’s just a coincidence. you want to reach out and take the hand he rubs across the bridge of his nose, but you fold your fingers in your lap.

“thank you for agreeing to talk with me,” you finally say.

“you aunt,” he starts.

“yes, my aunt.” you pull a photograph out of your bag. it’s one of the few you took with crystal all those years ago. he’s got you in a headlock, his opposite fist grinding into the top of your skull. you slide the picture across the table. “you knew her?”

crystal lifts the photo, inspects it, before putting it down. he sighs, shaking his head. “i loved that woman. broke my heart when she left.” his gaze lifts from the table. “you look like her, have her name too.”

you look away, out the window at the side. there’s bird fluttering in a puddle on the sidewalk, and you watch it for a moment before turning back to him. “i think my mother loved her a great deal. i didn’t get the chance to know her, though. we only just found these pictures recently.”

his eyes narrow. “i mean, you really look like her.”

you force a smile. “thank you. that’s kind of you.” shifting, you tap your finger on the table. “i know her leaving wasn’t exactly...” you struggle to find the proper word, but he jumps to assist.

“natural?”

“well, i was going to say easy, but—”

“she fuckin’ disappeared! excuse my language.” huffing, he drops back against his chair. “one minute she was there, the next minute she was gone. i swear, i’ve never seen anyone skip town that fast.”

“she didn’t say anything about leaving?”

“why would she? she was engaged! she had no reason to leave that i know of.”

“was she happy?”

“hell yes. her and brian—i’ve never seen two people more fit for one another. brian just about lost his mind trying to find her, but it was like she never existed. strangest thing.” he pauses to take a sip of his coffee, looking askance, before his eyes whiz back to yours. “oh my fucking god.” 

you look up, fear sparking in your belly. “what?”

“[y/n]?”

you blink. your head feels dizzy with the way he’s looking at you, like he’s about to jump across the table and throttle you or hug you so tight your insides might squeeze out of your body.

“fuck,” he breathes. “it is you.”

“i don’t know know what you’re—”

“don’t play dumb with me!” he leans across the table and lowers his voice. “i was the one who got you that phony passport, remember? i always wondered why i couldn’t find your credentials. had to lie my way through it until i got the damn thing. you’re lucky everything was so lax in the 70s.” he shakes his head. “how’d you do it?”

there’s part of you that wants to deny, deny, deny.

but it’s crystal. you can’t lie to him any more than you already have.

“i had no choice in the matter,” you say plainly. “one minute i was here, the next minute i was there, and the next minute i was here again.”

his jaw works back and forth as he processes the information. “does brian know?”

“no—and i’d like to keep it that way.”

“i thought we might lose him after you left.”

you twist the ring on your finger. “if i’d had the choice, i would have stayed. i hope you know that.”

crystal nods. “yeah, i do.” he holds your gaze then motions to your bag. “so, this exhibit matthew told me about. you’re publishing all those photos you took?”

“yes. there are some pictures i’ve saved for myself, but my boss, monica, she got permission from the record label to go ahead with the others. it opens in three weeks.”

“i’ll be there if i can. i’d like to see those pictures.”

you smile, your first earnest smile of the day. “you feature many times.”

he ducks his head like an embarrassed schoolboy. “we were thick as thieves, weren’t we?”

“you and roger were thicker, but i’d like to think i had a part to play some of the time.”

he lifts his head and heaves a heavy sigh. “you know, when i said i loved you, i meant it. not in the way brian did. you were like a kid sister to me. i cared for you a great deal.”

before you can stop yourself, you slip your hand across the table to grasp his worn fingers. his shoulders shake on another sigh, and he lifts his opposite hand to wipe at his eyes beneath his glasses. 

“oh, crystal. i’m so sorry,” you whisper. it hurts to see him cry, to know that you’re the cause behind his pain. 

he waves your apology away, sniffing hard. “i’m just glad to know you’re okay. we thought you might’ve gotten picked up or—” he shakes his head and pats your hand over his, meeting your eyes. “you’re okay, though. that’s what matters.”

“will you really come to my exhibit?”

“anything for you, kid.” he thumbs the underside of your chin with a lopsided grin. “even after all this time, i’m putty in your hands.”

you grin and hand him a business card, which he tucks in the folds of his wallet. rising from his seat, he opens his arms and you practically trip into his hug. he holds you tight for the briefest of moments before pulling back. he pats your cheek.

“i’ll see you in three weeks, yeah? if i stay any longer i’ll end up a sobbin’ mess on the floor.”

you nod. “yeah. and, crystal?” he turns at the door. “don’t tell brian. please.”

he leaves without another word.

the day of the exhibit opening you are equal parts thrilled and a nervous wreck. everyone’s here—your family, rachel, shamik, even matthew. you haven’t seen crystal amidst the crowd mingling in the lobby, but you trust him to show. he’s always been reliable, and you doubt he’ll fail you now.

monica squeezes your shoulder as she passes you by in the staff hallway. “it looks wonderful, [y/n]. consider yourself hired,” she says and hands you a keycard. “i’m going to give you a piece of advice i got when i completed my first exhibit: go have a moment by yourself. look at your work, be proud of it. you deserve it.”

with trembling fingers and a racing heart, you make your way down the corridor to the south exhibit hall. due to a celebratory lunch with rachel the day before, you hadn’t gotten the chance to see the room in its final state. in retrospect, you’re thankful for the chance to see it for the first time alone. at least this way, if you cry, no one will have to know.

the door beeps as it unlocks, and you slip inside the room. you descend the handful of stairs which lead into the showroom floor and suck in a deep breath. 

before entering the exhibit, there’s a wall to the side with a simple explanation written in a white font:

queen: unfiltered — this exhibit preserves and presents never-before-seen images of the popular band, queen, through the eyes of an unnamed woman who spent a year traveling the world on queen’s jazz album tour. her images are intimate yet distinctive and offer a personal glimpse into the lives of one of britain’s most well-known bands. 

at the far end of the room hang four banners spanning floor to ceiling. the banners wave gently in the air blowing throughout the room, illuminated from lights on the ceiling and floor. each banner hosts an oversized photo of one of the band’s members in an image that best captures their personality. it took you hours to find the right photo for each man, but you stand by your choice for each one.

there’s john on the far left, head bent as he strums the bass across his knee. his lips are pursed in thought, a line of concentration on his brow.

there’s freddie next to him. he stands in a spanish alley way, cradling a stray cat in his arms. he looks serenely on at the camera, a rare moment of simplicity.

there’s brian sat in an overstuffed armchair, his gangly legs crossed, a book open on his lap. he has the corner of his thumb in his mouth, and if you squint you can see the edge of his tongue.

there’s roger on the far right. he’s smiling at the camera, his eyes bright with mischief and joy. there’s a party hat snug on the crown of his head, pulling the skin of his forehead taut.

on opposite sides of the room, two parallel rows of twelve photos hang in neat order. you decided to have every photograph in the exhibit printed in black-and-white and, in all, you painstakingly picked the forty-eight photos featured in their simple white frames. you walk along the wall, hands clasped at your waist, eyes running over the memories you hold so dear.

the afternoon crystal taught you ride a bike in barcelona: you’re sat on the handlebars after a hard fall, mouth open in a squeal of delight as crystal whips toward the camera.

roger and john tossing an apple back and forth in an ottawa grocery store: john’s smile is broad, the apple caught on film midair.

brian sitting on the floor of your hotel suite: there’s a tray of sushi at his feet, and he’s smiling at you, his hair wet from a shower.

freddie playing the piano in the airport in yugoslavia: he’d been so excited to see one, his shoes had slipped on the slick floor as he ran to it. he’d played dramatically, conducting those around him in a horrible rendition of “god save the queen.”

your eyes sting with tears as you glance about the room. you’re proud of your work. it looks good, professional and elegant, but more than that, you’re proud of yourself for the work you’ve done in mending your broken heart. though you will never live the life you’d once dreamed of, you will always have the memories—and that’s got to count for something.

when the double-doors open and monica ushers the first of the patrons in, you slip into the closest bathroom to wipe at the makeup smudged under your eyes. you’re happy, truly so, and you want to celebrate—celebrate both of your lives as they finally come together.

the room is crowded when you reenter, conversation and gentle laughter mingling in the air. you accept a tight hug from rachel when you see her and the congratulations of your parents. you can’t stop smiling, and you’re sure your face will hurt come morning, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?

your parents float away, hand in hand, and you find yourself alone in the center of the room, watching in awe as people you’ve never met look at your photos, at your memories, and nod in appreciation. your chest swells with an emotion you can’t place.

“i think this calls for a congratulations. you’ve outdone yourself, dove.”

you whirl on your heel, lip caught between your teeth in a poorly-concealed smile. “you came.”

crystal grins. the tie of his suit is rumbled and askew, and you reach out to straighten it. old habits die hard. “i said i would.”

“what do you think?”

“i think it’s fantastic. the lads would be proud.”

“maybe.” you shrug. “guess we’ll never know.”

“are you really so intent on staying hidden forever?”

you nod. “yes. it took everything in me to even talk to you. i don’t want to ruin their lives again by popping back up, especially because i’m not exactly old, am i?”

crystal laughs, shaking his head. “you must think you’re hot stuff if a simple hello could ruin a life.” his laughter fades into a simple smile. “now, i know you’re going to hate me and i’m willing to take that, but i did tell a certain someone about the exhibit.”

you can feel the blood drain from your face. “crystal, you didn’t.”

he winces. “i might’ve.”

you slap his arm and curl your fingers into his bicep. “you bastard!”

he holds up his hands in defense, decent enough to plaster a look of contrition on his face. “look, i didn’t tell him the context or what tipped me off. i just told him there was a new exhibit about queen and he was eager to come see. that’s all!”

you swallow hard, uncertain how to respond. “i—” your head twists back and forth in utter confusion. “i don’t know what to do.”

crystal’s face softens, and he nudges your shoulder. “go talk to him. he deserves that much, doesn’t he?”

you can’t argue with that.

giving crystal’s arm a grateful squeeze, your legs shake beneath you as you turn and see him—brian—across the room.

you don’t know how you didn’t see him before. even now, forty years later, he’s still unmistakeable: still tall, still gangly, but his hair has gone white and his strides are slower. the overwhelming urge to tear across the room and curl yourself around his back nearly overpowers you, but you shove it down and manage to cross the floor in slow, even steps. you keep your eyes glued to his back, your hands twitching at your sides. when you reach him and catch a faint whiff of his cologne, the same he wore all those years ago, you have to push back the tears that rise unbidden to your eyes.

you tap his shoulder. “dr. may?”

he circles around, as does his wife anita, her arm snug in his elbow.

brian blinks hard, his brow furrowed in confusion. for a moment, you let him stare at you as you stare right back. his eyes are the same. you’d thought they’d be different, but they aren’t. the realization stuns you silent.

anita glances between you both before smiling sweetly. “good evening, sweetheart,” she says, and her voice is so kind you can’t even summon the slightest bit of jealousy. “i’m afraid i didn’t catch your name.”

“oh, i’m sorry!” you laugh and find that smiling at anita isn’t hard. “my name’s [y/n] [y/l/n]. i created the exhibit. i thought i might come and introduce myself.”

“oh, how lovely!” anita claps her hands together. “what you’ve done is so beautiful, [y/n]. it’s nearly brought a tear to my eye.”

“that’s very kind of you, ma’am.”

“brian likes it too. don’t you, brian?”

he still can’t seem to formulate any sort of response. he’s frozen in place, and your heart lurches for him. to see the woman he’d once asked to marry him, the one so cruelly ripped away, while standing next to his wife... precisely why you never wanted to meddle in his current affairs.

finally, he seems to collect himself. he sucks in a deep breath and nods in agreement. “yes, i do. very much.”

“that means a lot,” you say, easing your smile back into place. “thank you.”

“i’ll leave you two to talk to for a moment. i see crystal hovering in the corner over there, and i’m sure you both have many questions for one another.” anita presses her hand on your arm as she passes. “lovely job, dear.”

she leaves, and you’re left alone with the greatest love of your life.

you wait for him to speak.

“you’re... alive?” it’s a question, not a statement.

“yes.”

“you’re the same age?”

“yes.”

“how did—” he shakes his head. “i don’t understand.”

“neither do i.”

his chin quivers slightly, and he looks away. “i thought you’d been taken or decided to—”

you dare to touch his arm. a spark jolts through your fingers at the slightest touch, but you hold firm. “nothing happened,” you explain. “other than nature righting her mistake.”

“i think—i think i need to sit down.”

“yes, of course. my office is down the hall. it’s quiet there.”

he nods and leans against your arm as you lead him down the hall. in the silence of your dimly lit office, he collapses to the loveseat beneath the window and drops his face to his hands. you hesitate in the doorway until he looks up. tears shimmer in his eyes, and you swallow hard, your smile wavering around the edges.

he stands then, crosses the floor, and cradles your face in his hands. “my god,” he breathes. “it really is you.”

with a laugh, you hold his wrists. “in the flesh.”

“how long’s it been?” his thumb works over your cheekbone and, though you know he should stop, you can’t bring yourself to step away from his touch.

“about seven months.”

he snorts. “try forty years.”

“you seem like you did well for yourself, though.”

he shrugs. “i suppose.”

“you’re happy?”

there’s a heavy pause before he says, “yes.”

“that’s all i want to hear.”

slipping out of his grasp, you put a modicum of space between you both. the air is thick with emotion, and your heart beats wildly against your chest. the love you thought you’d put to bed flares at the mere sight of him, even after all this time.

you drift your finger through the sand of your tabletop zen garden. “i told crystal not to tell you about me,” you admit.

“he didn’t—not in so many words.”

“i know. i’m glad he said something, though.” you pause, meet his gaze. “it’s so good to see you, bri.”

quiet falls over the room as he stares at you. you don’t squirm. you’re comfortable under his gaze, always have been.

“i hope you know i never stop looking,” he says. “even after anita, i kept trying to find you. just to know.”

“and i hope you know that i would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant i got to be with you even for a time.”

your phone vibrates on the desk, skidding across your oversized calendar. you reach for the phone and flip it over before slipping it in the purse hung over your desk chair.

“i’ve got to go,” you admit, crossing to his side. “i’ve actually got a date.”

to your surprise, his eyes crinkle with amusement. “i’m happy to hear it.” he lifts a hand and smooths back the hair from the side of your face. he looks at you with all the love he did forty years ago, and you wish you could take a picture to remember forever. 

but then you remember: you have dozens of photos at home, and it doesn’t seem too hard to let him go now. not after the work you’ve put into mending your heart. you can face this, face saying goodbye for good. you have to, for his sake and your own.

rising to your tiptoes, you place a hand on his shoulder and kiss the corner of his mouth—one last touch, for you both. you wind your arm around his neck and whisper in his ear, “i love you, brian may. i always will.”

he squeezes you hard against his body, sucking in a ragged breath. “i love you too, [y/n].”

dropping back to your heels, you huff a breath and smile wide. “well, i’d better go.”

“yes, you’d better. don’t keep the lad waiting.”

you bite the inside of your cheek, your hand lingering on his. “okay, well... goodbye, brian.”

he smiles, and it’s the loveliest sight you’ve ever seen. he brushes you cheek with the back of his hand, whispering, “see you later, love.”

dipping out the back of the museum, you walk down the street, purse slung over your shoulders. you think you’ll be able to sleep well for the first time in a long time tonight. 

you hope he can, too.

~*~*~*

taglist: @bhmay​ @grigorlee​ @teenagepeterpan​ @just-my-sickly-pride​ @perriwiinkle​ @ubernoxa​ @anunknownnebula​ @coincidence-ithinknots-blog​ @captvinswaan​ @ineloqueent​

[4lix]

hello, i’m so happy you’re making a comeback. since you’re in the mood to write abt chan, may i request a best friends to lovers trope?

friends to lovers ★ bang chan ↳ gender-neutral. fluff.

okay so falling in love with ur best friend is a big L but its one u are more than willing to take for christopher bang

first things first, chan loves people with his whole mf heart.

whether its family, friends, or romantic interests

so when it comes down to him falling for his best friend? idk if he’d really realize it unless someone literally spelled it out for him, he’d just mistake his affection towards you as just the same kind of best friend love he has for ˙his group members

he’d never think much about the fact that most of his song lyrics these days were getting oddly too specific in detail about a certain someone

or how whenever he felt down his gut reaction was to call you up because the sound of your voice seemed to make everything better

or how he really really likes cuddling with you after long days of practice

and when you stop by the studio when he’s stuck on a track and just pull him to the couch to lay down for a while to get a break from staring at that damned screen, he’d instantly relax in your hold, sighing in content as your fingers twirled around his curls

and yeah his stomach is filled with butterflies and his ears are all red all that corny stuff but you’re his best friend and best friends cuddle sometimes too right?

best friends also feel the urge to kiss one another on the cheeks? perhaps sometimes they fantasize about what it would be like to kiss each other on the lips?

ok maybe not.

chan knew some of his thoughts were a bit odd. but you were really pretty so it was understandable. you were his safe place and the closest thing he had to home besides his members.

unbeknownst to him, you were honestly no better, a bit more aware of the fact that you could possibly be in love with the idiot but you were still in denial nonethless

whenever felix or hyunjin would tease you about your relationship with chan you’d feign disgust like he’s my best friend that’s weird! but your cheeks are red anyways and you’re kind of stuttering and hey is it hot in here or what-

when you had tough days chan would spam you with encouraging texts, a million obnoxious emojis, memes, just anything to make you smile and it always always worked, just the sight of a notification from chan always made you light up but that’s what best friends are for right?  

friends make the world seem brighter, that’s all chan was to you, a friend.

and chan cared a lot about his friends, so it only made sense..

but unlike his other friends, you always got special treatment

he’d give you gifts for your friendship anniversary despite all the suggestive looks from his group members, kissed your forehead when bidding you goodbye and always sent you good morning and good night texts each and every single day

he’d go out of his way for you always and all of that just seemed normal, natural to him. because he loves with his whole heart and he doesn’t even realize it

he wouldn’t really come to terms with things until one of the members like screams at him to just stfu already because he won’t stop talking about you and he somehow makes everything about you and it’s driving them insane

they’d be like we get it you’re in love with y/n shut up already

and he’d just be a stuttering mess like !! no im not !! and yet his heart is racing in his chest and everyone looks at him with an unamused glare

changbin would be like “everything you’ve written these last few weeks are all about them-”

felix would chime in like “you killed your phone battery texting them all day and then used my phone to call them so you could talk for three hours straight.”

jisung is like “yeah and you bought like ten different gifts for your friendship  anniversary but you gave me a set of socks for my birthday-”

huh wait maybe he is in love with you.

“those socks were knitted and really nice.” would be his only line of defense

the rest of the afternoon the members would just tease him about all his lovesick puppy habits that he was completely unaware of

like how his face lights up the moment you walk into the room

or how he can never go shopping without picking up something for you because hey y/n would look really cute in this!

and that he even mumbles your name sometimes when he’s sleeping lord help the boy

things kind of go to hell because now he can’t look at you without blushing and stuttering

he’s panicking because how the hell could he have fallen in love with his best friend who probably only sees him as a brother? if you liked him back surely you would’ve let him know by now, i mean if he was as obvious as his members said he was with his feelings there’s no way you weren’t aware of his infatuation with you.

but you were on the same boat really, to you, it seemed as though chan was affectionate with everyone, he smooched jeongin’s cheeks every now and then, and the socks he got for jisung’s birthday were kind of nice? you weren’t that special right? there’s no way chan could fall in love with someone like you anyways... right?

you knew him better than you knew yourself so his odd behaviour definitely did not go unnoticed even tho your sheer lack of brain cells prevented you from realizing why he was acting odd in the first place

the good morning and good night texts stopped, the spams of memes stopped, it was just radio silence for a few days and it was starting to freak you out but it was close to the deadline for the new album so he could just be stressed and you could just be overreacting

you figured you’d stop by the studio at like ass o’clock like always with some takeout for chan because you knew he never ate much when he pulled all nighters, you even threw in some of his favorite snacks and energy drinks, bringing your laptop with you to get some work done of your own hopefully

you did your signature knock on the door before entering but chan still jumped at the sight of you, weirdly startled by your presence, avoiding your eyes and only managing to cough and give you a tilt of a nod in greeting before gluing his eyes back to his computer screen

your first initial reaction is did i do something wrong :( and you intend to ask chan about it but he puts his headphones in and seems rather busy, you remind yourself again that he’s just focused on the new album he’d never purposefully ignore you.

you’ll ask him later, taking a seat on the couch, scrolling through social media mindlessly as your thoughts can’t seem to drift away from the boy across from you and how fluffy and soft his hair looks today.

after a good fifteen minutes pass, chan still hasn’t touched the food you brought which leaves you no choice but to annoy him to ensure he takes proper care of himself. calling his name multiple times to no avail, you tap the space bar, pausing the track before removing his headphones.

“channie, you can ignore me if you want to but i won’t let you ignore getting your vitamins and nutrients. i know you didn’t eat dinner. so eat.” he’s still not looking at you, just nods, clearing his throat awkwardly before turning over towards the takeout you brought for him and taking a seat at the couch.

you follow behind him, sitting right beside him. just a week ago you were here with chan laying on your chest, watching tiktoks of cats but now here you were, in the same spot but this time chan was silent, closed off. the complete opposite to his usual warm and bubbly demeanor.

he didn’t even bother to deny the fact that he was ignoring you, he just ate silently and fear starts to consume you because maybe chan really was upset with you?

before you figured he was probably just stressed and overly focused on the track he was working on but now it seems obvious he’s blatantly ignoring you, not even sparing a thank you for the takeout which was really unlike him. he always thanked you for taking care of him with tight hugs and sloppy kisses on your forehead. now he didn’t even look at you.

half of you was agitated that he was giving you the silent treatment instead of just being honest with you about whatever was bothering him but the other half of you really wanted to smooch his chubby cheeks filled with rice because wow he looked really really cute.

as annoyed with him as you were, you couldn’t help but appreciate his bareface, it was you favorite look of all, when he didn’t look like a famous idol, instead just a regular boy with blemishes and unruly hair in grey sweats and a hoodie.

a grain of rice hugged the corner of his lip, you fought back the urge to kiss it away. he was so unfairly attractive it made you want to punch him

you lean forward, reaching out to him to wipe the stray food away but he evades your touch, leaving your hand raised awkwardly out in front of you in rejection. now he didn’t even want you to touch him?

“did i do something wrong?” you didn’t realize how hurt you were by his silence, by his disgust of you, how he felt like a stranger these days. you kicked yourself inwardly for sounding so broken but the tone of voice seemed to strike something in chan because he finally met eyes with you for the first time in what felt like forever.

“w-what no not at a-all what makes you think that?”

“chan you’ve ignored all my texts for the last three days. you haven’t talked to me in nearly a week and now you can’t even spare a hello when i come in? you’re even avoiding my touch like i have the plague or something.” guilt washes over him immediately and he puts down the plate of food and looks at you with those brown eyes that are all sad and regretful and you forgive him before he even opens his mouth because you’re just that helplessly in love with the idiot

“i-i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to, really, i just have a lot on my mind right now and i just...” he turns to look away again but you place your hand to his chin, turning him forward to meet eyes with you again, he doesn’t shy away from your touch this time

“chan if i said something or did something wrong that bothered you, y’know you can always talk to me right?” you said earnestly, cupping his cheek in your hand, he leaned into your touch, humming gently. relief enraptured your heart, along with warmth

“you didn’t do anything wrong, i promise.” his eyes don’t leave yours, nor does his voice waver, so you believe him

“then why are you ignoring me?”

“because...” he tries to get the words out but his brain is going a mile a minute and you’re really close to him. you’re turned to face him, sitting criss crossed, knees bumping against his, he can feel your body warmth and it’s kind of sending him into overdrive

“because?” you urge him further, unable to help your lips from curling downwards in worry. he’s silent still, biting his bottom lip anxiously and you consider giving up for a moment but then he pulls your hand away from his cheek, instead holding it tight in his.

“i realized something. the guys, they made me realize some things.” he starts, eyes flittering past each and every single one of your features, admiring them silently to himself. how did it take him so long to realize he was in love with you? you were beautiful, his best friend, his whole heart, his muse.

earlier, his eyes were glued to the screen because he was rereading the words he’s written over the last few weeks and he couldn’t quite believe he wrote lyrics that were literally entirely about you and he had no idea, just assumed he had some new rush of creativity or something.

of course he was in love with you, he always been in love with you.

“yeah?” you rub your thumb over his hand slowly in an attempt to ease some of his anxieties. whatever it was he needed to tell you, it was clearly taking a toll on him, he was fidgeting, sighing over in over again and shaking his head trying to clear his thoughts. you felt a bit bad, perhaps you were prying too much?

“look i just–– i know we’re best friends, and the last thing i want to do is jeopardize that so if what im about to say makes you uncomfortable or something j-just forget it ever happened okay?” unknowingly, you hold in you breath, fear for his next words knocking the wind out of you.

“i... i like you. like like you, and- i don’t know how to deal with it so i’ve just been avoiding you and i’m sorry- wait why are you laughing?” his eyebrows are all furrowed and his cheeks are bright red and he’s squeezing your hand in confusion and you just look at him and just die of laughter

why were you laughing? you weren’t sure. maybe it was relief? joy? just pure utter love for the idiot in front of you?

“channie-” you attempt, but your laughter still has control over your lungs so you just cling to the boy helplessly, looking up at him with so much happiness in your eyes that he can’t help but feel a bit hopeful that maybe this laughter is good laughter?

“why are you laughing! i just confessed to you, put my heart out on the line and your response is laughter?” he’s smiling despite the confused tone of his voice, nudging you playfully but you pull him into you, shoving your face in the crook of his neck trying your hardest to get out the last of your giggles. with one last deep sigh, you prepare yourself to finally give him a proper response

“i’m sorry for laughing channie i’m just really happy. and relieved.” you finally pull away from him, resting your forehead against his, cupping his face once again in your hands.

“i like you too chan, i’ve liked you for a really really long time.”

the smile that lights up his face is one you’ll never forget, his eyes practically disappear, his dimples protruding through those precious cheeks of his and you can’t help the small laugh in happiness at the sight

“thank god i was actually losing my mind you know, changbin and jisung have been making fun of me all week, clowning me for being a lovesick puppy.”

“is that why they’ve been wiggling their eyebrows whenever i walk by-”

“unfortunately yes.”

“chan you should’ve just told me!”

“yeah well! i thought you saw me as like a brother or something!”

“what- no! i’ve literally been in love with you since the moment we met you idiot-”

“yeah well i’ve been writing songs about you for the last month, songs that you helped with and you didn’t notice a thing-”

at that you just :O bc realization hits u like a train n yea wait a minute he was pretty obvious..

he just gets all red again and then you smile at him and he’s smiling back at you and with the dopiest grin on his face he’s like

“can i kiss u..” and u dont bother to reply you just grab his cheeks and connect your lips with his

the kiss is kind of a mess tho bc you’re both just so ridiculously happy that you can’t stop smiling so yea its not a proper kiss but its filled with giggles and each time you pull away chan only leans forward to peck you again and again because he cant seem to get enough really and he’s just so elated that he can finally do this as many times as he wants

in conclusion chan loml<3 

requests are open! :) ↳ notes: tysm for all the kind welcome back msgs ily all sm omg <3  i ended up combining two requests as they were a bit similar i hope thats okay hehe <3 also sry if this is sloppy this is my first post in a long time & im kind of rusty .. whew

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[misterbitches]

i keep thinking about this and coming to more conclusions like both as an artist and me. 

we always think first about the aggressor and not the victim. so, for example, with history 4 and yong jie what will their relationship look like now given the trauma? if they have no interest in fleshing this dude out and having him just be an annoying clingy little ugly bitch then acknowledge that pain and how it will affect them. it’s so easy for xing si to get over being raped? what about xing si’s relationship with his mother? what about the fracturing this does to the family when there’s an intense violation that was aided and abetted by the mother?

that would be far more fascinating trying to figure out and they could still have them be together if they so desperately need it but they can’t ignore everything. that means the trauma will permeate through every part of your life. it’s hilarious that so many fans say the portrayals are realistic because they are not. these shows do not have the time and many of the writers or producers do not have the care or prowess—or will have to cut things to please the state—to execute this. they expedite the healing process but we are left reeling. 

in film school one of my teachers was always like, “what happens in the world when the film ends?” and this is something to ask. are we approaching it from: a man falls in love with his brother who raped him and the mother encouraged it and the shock and taboo of that or are we approaching it from a man is forced and trapped into a rship and stockholm syndrome and how that plays out. even if they stayed together even so it would give us more reason and understanding and then we see and know the foundation is built on nothing but darkness and may never recover. after this chapter ends  there may be destruction; it’s possible because that’s how it all started.

but after this story ends, in the way it is presented, what will happen? it’s not just entertainment and that doesn’t mean it’s as big of a deal as i think it is even as i write these things. these are just things to keep in mind and things i think the younger viewers absolutely need to see. for themselves like as creative people and enjoying the media they consume and seeing what works and what doesn’t especially when a work serves a purpose. nothing is made for no reason so don’t expect it to be. to me i’m like: why was this made and what could have been better? 

there is NO improvement which is why we run around in the same circles. the way to untangle that is being clear about the message and its faults. the audience can’t be clear about it if the show isn’t doing its job for a team of professional fucking writers trying to entice people by poorly approaching topics and leaving them empty handed. life is not as hollow as these things make it and yet we eat it up hook line and fucking sinker. 

time and time again we see what these things must establish and how far they can push themselves. it isn’t until the material world gets better that we see a turn in the media but time isn’t linear. sometimes things are worse in years, sometimes things are better. these tropes last because they are a direct reflection of life and the failures in society. so of course it’s about the perpetrator and how they can get their prize but not how we can manage these things when there is a clear victim and we pretend like it isnt there under some sense of potential reform. 1. people do not need to be reformed in a story and that isn’t what this needs 2. is that compelling? 3. yes morally grey things exist but this is not morally grey when it is a violation adn that person’s action was not morally grey. there was a victim and he neeeds to be away from that victim. if he is going to stay we need to see the affects of him being there as real things and there is nothing realistic about that. in no fucking world would someone like xing si a grown adult fucking man be able to temper things that quickly as in the show. NONE. that shit lasts forever but we are supposed to see them kiss and be liek “aw wow morally grey” like what about him is morally grey in relation to xing si? specifically. whihc is the personhe will be with forever.

no it’s how do we get ourselves to see him and engage with him. you can engage with him or be enraptured sure but that doesn’t mean anything and it doesn’t mean the writers are even doing anything with it! i’m glad eveyrone can garner there own idk ideas or get what they want out of a work but what about the victims? what about the relationships? what happens when the story ends? what are dinners like? cos their lives don’t stop when it’s not being recorded (as in these worlds we are shown are always going to exist so they continue on even without us seeing it. so the characters don’t have a stop point we just usually see their happy ending and many times with shitty relationships it’s like why are we here now?) at this point it’s comical and it’s boring. 

there’s a film i like with cameron diaz where she falls in love with someone who kidnapped her for a job. there’s no perosnal connection which really helps as well. he did it for a job, doesn’t know her, they fall in love. they get together at the end. that still affects her but it’s also way less psychological trauma then somoene stalking and grooming you and violating you and trapping you by direct action and constant manipulation. there’s no way to turn that around and it’s even worse when you try to with literally no other explanations. like who are these fucking characters and why should we even want them to continue to be here? yong jie could have even been a vehicle to help xing si like idk unpack everything in his brain in a helpful way even through his violation. they chose none of that lmao i could write a better fucking script and im a moron

why should we believe in their love? why should we believe in yong jie? why should we believe in any of these people when they don’t prove shit to us. they just exist. why is that interesting? why do we root for them? that’s certainly not something they even asked themselves cause they sure as shit don’t know. the writing here cannot make up its mind on its own morality and i think the idea of morally grey only works if you have a fucking idea of what you want to do not just throwing shit at a wall. and we feel something for these “morally grey” characters—frankly this term is also a mistake because it’s so much about good/bad and ignores history and peoples lives and what leads to events and it is a super WASP-y concept in its current iteration anyway with a belief that punity is justice when it is not. that is why i say get the fuck away from this dude instead of going to jail. we could see yong jie grow but FUCKING OUTSIDE OF XING SI.

aey from lovely writer is one where im like wow i feel so bad 4 u i think ur gonna like kill urself someone get this messy ass bitch some help. people hate this kid and they totally can! i feel bad for him! dont love him and maybe i wont even want the best for him but rn im like “omg i dont want u 2 die sir.”

i dont feel that way in many other shows. i feel fucking nothing for these men. not yong jie and not even the old guy from modc im just like ok you exist and i’m going to ignore you. there is nothing in my chest lmao. i look at them and feel cold, couldnt be drier, cos it’s stale and boring and trite and nothing new at all. it’s not realisitc and it’s not even entertaining. it’s just...there. 

i mean it’s there with the reminder of “oh man i am not interested in your love story also isn’t your boyfriend like 40 and you’re 17? why do you like each other again? does this kid have parents? Wait, what’s happening? uhhhh am i supposed to like this? where are his parents? what’s gonna happen when he turns 23 and realizes how fucked up that shit is? can we see that?” and before u know it the sex on screen is over so that was just unpleasant all around.

and i cannot give u a single reason for so many couples why they like each other. like literally what on earth is there for the two of these people to be attracted to. at least one is being swayed by power but what’s the other one doing? oh nothing he just sucks? ok got it.

if we don’t approach it from a “how do we get people to like a shitty person or a person who does things that harms others” it continues on like this. questioning questioning questioning the comfortableness and never thinking about what the fuck the victim can do, what the fuck is even going on in their heads. and if they can’t do that then we go back to the question: what is the purpose of it? if the answr is “just because” then you have a failure on your hands and a lot of annoyed people. sorry not sorry 

[tonysopranosfeverdreams]

kinda sad but how do you cope with the weight of everything? :( its so painful. sending u love

You know the only things that have really helped me i think has been finding more ways to try and live in the present and keep my mind/body occupied enough for it not to stray to the scary and overwhelming stuff as much as possible when there's so much of it. None of this will cure or fix anything of course, but I think just listening to how you feel when you do/consume something and building little habits that incorporate doing the things that make you feel good into your routine. Even if its just been like, taking time in the morning to sit my cat before (remote) work and use a new flavored coffee creamer in my my coffee or like, it's a reminder of little things that are nice in daily life and that we can expend almost no energy to put yourself in a little brighter of a situation on a regular basis.

On top of that, I found myself mindlessly scrolling through media and social media but not really absorbing it like. All day every day and im still terrible abt it but I noticed I feel good if I engage with a movie or book or show and really process it and give it my full attention for like. The smallest amount of an episode or like I make myself read 25 pages a day now because I feel better when I watch something I find stimulating or like at least with a pretty actress or something and when I work my imagination a little bit reading than when I browse YouTube vlogs for hourse that I don't care about or whatever and hating myself for not engaging with content I find interesting and finding it even harder to make myself do anything bc i feel inexplicably guilty about it lol.

I also noticed I am more likely to come thru anxiety better if when I start getting really nervous at 3 in the afternoon I do a quick workout that I know well and enjoy rather than having 2 bottles of wine you know lol? Ive been obsessed with ballet barre workouts personally lmso. I guess trying to develop and hold myself to my weird routines has been really helpful and moreover gives you a sense of control and that at the very least you can adapt bring yourself little joys no matter whst.

Sorry this turned into a ramble, it was a really interesting question to reflect on.. I hope you find ways to make happinese and find lighter times soon too, sending my love 💓

[gizkasparadise]

hey! just a fly-by comment to say i'm really enjoying all your kdrama posting, even though i get the feeling we have quite different tastes in kdramas. based on your general comments and the fact that i've only so far seen one of your A+ dramas and i didn't like it that much. however! i really enjoy the way you talk about shows. i feel like tumblr fandoms now talk about shows in a really analytical way and your posts remind of, like, livejournal 'pimp posts' from 10 years ago. it's great!

aww thank you!!! generally speaking i don’t watch/read things too critically and don’t have an interest or desire to do a discourse analysis on every piece of media consumed because im Too Tired for all that. stuff should be fun!!!!!!!! 

also feel free to throw me some recs! the kdrama train can’t be stopped at this point

[ofshilohs-blog]

heyho, hi ! i’m incredibly late jane ( pls just ignore that the accepted post says sylvia .. i was v insecure if u catch my drift ), twenty, she & her and from the glorious gmt+2 tz. along with being an avid dc & marvel fan, memes cause 90% of my laughs which .. is sad now that i think about it but Anyways ! you’re here for shiloh and not me ( mayhaps a little bit. here’s to hoping right. ) read below at ur own risk, you’ve been warned alright .. also if you want to plot just hmu or like this & i’ll im you later !

SHILOH HARTELL — wait, you mean the AMETHYST ? yeah, i’ve heard of HER before. they’re a TWENTY-ONE year old DANIELLE CAMPBELL lookalike and identify as DEMIGIRL. people often describe them as THE ARCANE of this island. i definitely agree, though. i mean, not to be rude or anything but shiloh can be kinda PEREMPTORY and PARADOXICAL, but everyone has their bad days. however, they’re also TRUSTWORTHY and DILIGENT, which makes people admire them so much. i guess what i’m trying to say is that they’re a true gem.

BACKGROUND ( TW: CAR ACCIDENT, COMA & ALCOHOL/SMOKING MENTION )

first things first .. you can click on each word to find shiloh’s bio & headcanons but i don’t want u to waste five mins of your life so i’ll try to cut it down to three. SKSKJ

besides that i’m actually kind of proud of this kind of social media page ?? so mayhaps look at it .. if u want.

really getting started now though

born april hartell in toronto in 1996, before her younger brother june was born one year later.

( for the sake of .. lbr everything i’ll just go on calling her shiloh bc otherwise it’ll be too confusing w/ april & shiloh ) in her early yrs shiloh used to envy june and the way their parents always preferred him, but fast forward to now and shiloh’s soo very glad they did. she taught herself numerous things she probably would have never considered if she wasn’t “ignored” a good few months and even after she brought up being left out to her parents it continued.

when shiloh was twelve, her brother was diagnosed with copd or more commonly known as smoker’s lung, an obstructive lung disease which only caused the family dynamic to spiral down.

after the news sunk in the hartell’s did everything for their brother/son and during those times shiloh and june actually grew close. shiloh mostly took care of her brother when their parents went out or simply had to recharge. ( the next few sentences are from her bio bc it’s 2am n i’m tired bear with me plS ) nonetheless graduating was just as important as taking care of june. shiloh has been known as some kind of a contradiction during her school years, always being excessively studious and getting straight a’s while being surrounded by other popular kids due to being the cheerleading co-captain. at the time her schoolmates didn’t know anything about shiloh’s home life as she preferred to keep it that way. hanging out with them gave her a few hours of calmness, despite most of them trashing other people’s property or trying to set her up with the most basic but popular guy, until they realized she apparently had no interest in any form of relationship. but what no one, except for her brother, knew was that shiloh in fact had a friends with benefits agreement with some messed up guy from a local university. shiloh always told june it wasn’t serious in the slightest and she probably wouldn’t even talk to him if he didn’t have his own demons to deal with.

shiloh always blamed her father for june’s disease as it was caused by him smoking every day and having june next to him almost all the time. while shiloh never wanted to become like her father, years later she believes she did despite trying truly everything not to.

at age eighteen shiloh changed her name legally, now using april as a middle name and nickname for her parents to use. ( once again copied from her bio rip ) ever since graduating shiloh started making videos to compensate for the lack of other distractions, as she wasn’t interested in meaningless hookups anymore either. being exposed to even more knowledge and terms than before, the brunette found herself more and more.

while spiralling down due to constant pressure at home and online shiloh had weak moments of consuming too much alcohol which only caused to cloud her judgement. it was june’s eighteenth birthday when shiloh made a fatal mistake, driving while intoxicated caused their car to hit a tree and damage its occupants.

it wasn’t until one month later that shiloh woke up from a coma, as disorientated and concerned as ever. when she caught the sight of her brother without any severe injuries shiloh was finally able to breathe normally again, not realizing her heart rate went up significantly just moments before.

even though june always claimed the crash didn’t worsen his condition, shiloh kept blaming herself just like she blamed their father for what he did to her younger brother. during that time shiloh started seeing similarities between herself and him that didn’t even exist.

once again distancing herself from her family shiloh put out more and more videos. as she gained subscribers rapidly, shiloh decided to talk about her private life for the first time publicly, hoping it’ll help people in similar situations.

getting mostly positive feedback and encouraging comments, shiloh approached her family again. she tried making peace with her own mind about everything that happened in the past, almost promising herself to not act the same way ever again.

as june’s condition got worse year after year, it hit its lowest point in 2016. no temporary treatment helped and the family’s former inherited fortune shrunk every year after trying one high-priced experimental endeavour prior to another. shiloh and her family got closer during that time once again, but her parents also insisted on her being able to have a life on her own. 

while applying to the closest car shop to become a mechanic, shiloh cut all ties to social media in the process after making one last youtube video explaining why. 

as her family heard of the gem theory they believed it’d be for a good cause to set shiloh up for it. being skeptical at first, shiloh put more thought into it. what if it meant the money she’d receive could be used for yet another attempt at finding a cure for her brother, or even the organization itself developing one ? after a few tests shiloh was all too familiar with, the result of being a perfect fit for the project surprised her to a degree. while hoping to partake in the experiment for the sake of her younger brother, shiloh simultaneously didn’t want to leave her hometown for the very same reason. having a long talk with june, however, convinced shiloh to be a part of the gem theory. still being skeptical, she hoped for some kind of silver lining.

PERSONALITY ( TW: ALCOHOL & SMOKING MENTION )

as mentioned above shiloh is very eager to learn about basically everything. she always needs something to keep her occupied. as megan abbott once wrote there's something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls and while the quote is only semi-fitting it definitely can be used to describe shiloh’s high school years, always fooling around and screwing up while maintaining this picture perfect kind of image as co-captain of the cheer squad and a straight a student.

contradiction has always been a big part of shiloh, balancing between two stereotypes if you will: nerd vs. popular kid, first born vs. being the “lesser” child, being incredible romantic vs. meaningless hookups, keeping all feelings in vs. letting them all out at once, not believing in anything that can’t be touched/seen vs. believing in aliens.

absolutely despises cigarettes, blunts and everything else that can be smoked.

believes that wearing glitter as highlighter takes her closer to the stars and aliens.

the only alcoholic beverage she regularly consumes is any type of red wine.

for the first time in her life, shiloh’s been away from her family for more than a month. while appreciating being able to live her own life, homesickness hits her a lot.

shiloh’s a very structured person, disliking chaos and things that don’t seem to make any sense. suffering from ocd especially intensifies the former along with spending up to an hour with things such as rearranging belongings again and again, something others probably wouldn’t even notice. back when shiloh did youtube videos those had to have a certain length as well, sometimes even having to be re-filmed.

being on the island gives shiloh a bad taste in her mouth more often than not with everything that happened. as she’s a person who doesn’t necessarily likes being observed after her online presence, shiloh’s reminding herself of the promise she gave her family of not returning without anything more than ever.

this was all soo v serious omfg. but have this little fun ig tidbit that the only meme shiloh’s familiar with is that snl sketch dear sister bc she used to love the o.c. which inspired it so have that. keysmash

WANTED CONNECTIONS

alrigHT this is not to toot my own horn bc Yikes ! MXALDKS but i’m best at brainstorming and rambling when it comes to connections but will try to add some general ones to this part later or tomorrow as in monday bc it’s already past 3am n i’m [ madison beer vc ] dead.

[imanes]

do you think that "influencers" and celebs should speak out about "political issues"? (putting it in brackets bc. it's clearly an understatement n not accurate but idk how to word it) re: palestine? cause i've seen a lot of people be like "yeah they shouldn't talk about it if they're not educated or if they're just doing it for the trend" (even tho at this point its been so all over social media that ppl cant use the "im not educated enough" excuse anymore) n all and i guess it's a fair point and all but also? idk when i'm on social media and i see ppl talking about what's happening in palestine, and then i scroll down and see ppl be like omg new haul uwu! vlog with my friends! and thats just so???? idk. idk what to think bc on the other hand ofc performative activism is bad ykw? (like....re: blm ppl just posting a black square on their ig....) but i don't know what to think about it and i would love to hear your thoughts!!!

inchresting question to which i have no concrete answer to provide (except a lot of ramblings) because it is a thorny subject related to the ubiquity of digital society and the social weight we give to a certain class of people who frame their existence as something that could represent us but actually doesn't at all. and everybody and their mother - including me - has an opinion on it but at the end of the day it's just an opinion, not an empirical fact to be presented, and not even one i think about a lot bc it isn't a primary concern of mine on a day to day basis. so i'm like not looking for a debate with some random tumblr user (not talking about u anon, but talking about whoever might care too much about my inconsequential opinion) bc this is a question i'm answering, not a question i'm asking so to anyone tempted to "well according to the encyclopedia of pfppspfpsp" me, make ur own post!

i guess we can start with "should influencers/celebrities/people who are famous by virtue of being well-known even exist and should we lend weight to their words?" the answer to that may vary from person to person but social media accounts with a very large following can indeed turn tides with regard to socio-political crises, such as demonstrated by bella hadid who single-handedly educated a whole generation of south-korean netizens through her posts on palestine so we can see the good effects of that. now obviously bella hadid is personally concerned by the ethnic cleansing of palestine and has a lot more at stake than say rihanna with her all lives matter bullshit statement (someone said "saudi dick must be potent" but i think it has more to do with her contract with puma who is actually on the BDS list) or even jameela jamil who has a terminal case of "everything must be about me always".

people can say whatever they want about what well-known ppl are allowed to speak about or not but i'll just remind that these "influencers" and whatnot are people and they're bound to want to talk about stuff, especially when it is relevant or when prompted by their own following, because literally everybody with an account on a social media platform expresses their opinions about smt at one point or another in time. that includes random ppl on facebook commenting under news with their stale hot takes. famous ppl or "influencers" are no different.

I'll also say that "influence" only goes so far so I'm not *particulary* concerned with whatever whoever that i don't take seriously says. let me take the queen of talking out of her ass jameela jamil as a case study for this. people who agreed with her bizarre and narcissistic takes are already bound to agree with her because people flock to opinions that are similar to theirs. in my opinion that is not influence, that is attracting similar weirdos in your sphere and consequently creating impenetrable echo chambers of idiocy. did her stale ass take become a "consensus" amongst the indecisive? i don't know for sure bc i haven't run a survey but my assumption is that people who have critical thinking skills were rightfully put off by her rancid take and called her out publicly for it, providing sources and information, which i think is visible enough for anyone 2 look through. and people who like her talk and think out of their asses were like "wow preach i've been saying!" so they are themselves inconsequential.

so in my opinion it is less about influencing - because at this point i think someone can be influenced by a single person into buying a product but your fave singer is not going to make you buy into their ideology just because they released one lukewarm-at-best statement - and more about signaling where you stand. when viola davis and idris elba (amongst many others) stated that they stood by palestine, they made it clear that they stood against apartheid and ethnic cleansing and people who already agreed on these basic principles saluted their stance. do i believe they changed anybody's mind? not really, that is the job of well-informed people such as activists disseminating information and other people sharing the info. do i think that mark ruffalo lost all credibility with his flip-flopping? absolutely, and it doesn't reflect back on palestine, it reflects badly on HIM. we're in an era where people are bombarded with so much information from all sides that one person saying something is a drop in a bucket no matter how famous they are. this is also why we say that israhell lost the PR war. we were and are too loud 2 be ignored now and a few celebrities showcasing how inane they are doesn't change anything. the famous-ppl-market is too saturated for their opinion to matter a whoooole lot. support is appreciated but not hailed as the second-coming jesus u know what i mean?

to address ur final point about finding it weird that some people flat-out ignore some stuff while you are neck-deep into it, I think it's an understandable situation to find yourself in and as subhi taha said, it just looks tacky. i think it should be your cue to just unfollow whoever doesn't align with your interest content-wise. i unfollowed a loooot of people lately because of that like I really didn't give a fuck about Michelle phan's cryptocurrency peddling (which was already yikes on principle) in the midst of real-time live-stream decolonisation and liberation struggles against apartheid and ethnic cleansing, and at this point I don't think I can go back to caring about using social media for frivolous things (except cats and memes account bc they bring me joy) and following bigger accounts that are trying 2 sell me some shit, because I've changed in the past weeks, one could say I've become more "radical" (lol) and I'm ready to sustain an online space that caters to my concerns and abandon all content that I indeed find tacky in between two posts that talk about some serious shit. it's not to say I'll never post a pic of the sunset on Instagram again or that I don't consume content that has literally nothing to do with informing myself and disseminating information on decolonisation and anti-capitalism (I literally watch study vlogs from med students to unwind lol), or that "everybody should use their account in this specific way because it's the only one that is valid" (it's not and i don't care what other ppl do) but u are obviously dissatisfied with ur feed for valid reasons and while some ppl may not share your opinion it doesn't mean that you shouldn't take steps to make ur user experience less jarring.

it's again just an *opinion*, not a to-do list or smt that i'd ever want 2 present as a "fact", at the end of the day everybody curates their online spaces the way they want to and if you find your current configuration to be distasteful, that's understandable. and everybody is entitled to believe that celebrities/influencers/glorified sellers of products and lifestyles and disorders talking or not talking about certain things can be harmful or beneficial, as there are arguments and examples for and against it and i am personally not interested in participating the debate even tho i wrote a long ass text about it akjdlkfjgd I'm sorry about this u might be regretting ever asking me this question. hope i made sense!

[photojag]

Sunday Introductions

I am writing this to hopefully shed some light onto who I am behind the camera but more importantly to break up the negativity surrounding us these days and times. The pandemic is in full force around us and I thought, I might write something different and distracting to those who take the time to read it. I don’t plan for this to be a look into my past, but more of who I am now, as an artist specifically. Let’s get to the bottom of it.

I should probably start with some basic information for anyone who hasn’t met me or doesn’t know me at all. Hi, Im Jeremy Gouge ( gooj ) and I live and grew up here in East Tennessee. I am a geek, and love technology and being a photographer/ cinematographer / creative lends well to me for that reason if nothing else. I have a Youtube problem but mostly because of my curiosity in all things related to creating. If I were to share my view history and subscription list, you may think “ is he interested in anything except his line of work?” The short answer is of course I do but nothing is as interesting or consuming for me. I am constantly trying to learn new things. I love to read books actually. Not may people know that about me. Ill get into that a bit more below.

I don’t remember picking up the camera for the first time, and being overwhelmed with purpose, but I wish I had. I don’t even remember picking up a camera for the first time at all. I assume it was something my parents had while I grew up, and definitely only shot film but I cant recall any of those moments. I actually have a very hard time remembering a lot of things from my childhood, and even in general. This is one of the major reasons my photographs mean so much to me. They a are a reminder, a glimpse at a memory just beyond my mental reach. I hope I deliver that to my clients as well, but I am selfish in my work because it’s how I recall moments in time. Please don’t mis understand though, my need to create is even greater than my desire to remember. It is why I don’t see a time, when I am not documenting my world. I didn’t do it enough younger in life and now at 40, well just expect a camera to be on or with me at all times. I have used this time quarantined at home to reflect and to also try and document this time differently as well.

I am a husband to my lovely wife, Natasha and we have been married for 10 years this year ( if we don’t murder each other before August LOL ). We have 3 boys, Austin, Jaryn, and Atlas. We also have 2 pups as of writing this, Cinder and Bean. We are collectively competitive and that’s fun, and we love all things outdoors. From hiking, to camping, off roading, hunting for the boys, fishing, etc. We also love to travel ( dang it Corona ) and look very much toward our upcoming adventures whatever they are. We attend North Ridge Community Church here in Johnson City, and I also volunteer there to capture services, make videos, and help run social media.

Ok lets talk about books. I think reading is a wonderful pastime, and one I never had interest in until I was in my 20s. I have since discovered a passion for books and those fall into 3 categories generally speaking.

1) Faith

2) Photography- you don’t say

3) Phycological Crime Fiction- the crazier the better :)

I am currently devouring a series by J.D. Barker and cant put it down. The characters are relatable, the plots are brilliant and this last book in the 4MK ( 4 Monkey Killer- Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak no evil, Do no evil ) and it may be one of my favorite books ever. I love all things written by John Connolly and Chelsea Cain as well.

Did you know I love poetry? Yep that’s me. Throat Tattoo and all. I love all things Edgar Allen Poe, and my all time favorite poet is Iain S Thomas. I actually envision a body of work of mine, based off of the words in his work. Coming soon… dun dun dun

Ok, enough rambling from me. If you read my blogs or follow me on Twitter or Instagram, you probably already know a lot about me and my likes. ( Coffee, guns, knives, film, tattoos, vans, Defender 110s- Lord Help me) but what do you want to know more of? I would love to connect with you and answer your questions. About anything. So if you wanna know me better, ask away. Lets use this time to be productive and grow.

J

[robertotorrance-blog]

Composing A Recount Educator Nuha's English Blog post.

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