#the onion from hell lives in my mouth now

[jacks-wack-attack]

Me, pleading on my knees: Please. I've tried everything I can think of. I'll do anything you want. Just leave.

The lingering taste of onion in my mouth: Oh, you sweet child. You think begging will help? What are pleas to a merciless god? The cards have been dealt and this is your fate. Accept what is beyond your control before it consumes you, for too much time is wasted on obsession and regret.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM SHREK *  assorted dialogue from the 2001 film, adjust as necessary

two things, okay? shut... up.

you didn't slay the dragon?

some of you may die... but it's a sacrifice i am willing to make.

they judge me before they even know me. that's why i'm better off alone.

how will you kiss me?

that wasn't in the job description!

what is so funny?

let's just say... i'm not your type.

pick me! pick me!

i've got a dragon and i'm not afraid to use it!

now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

it's a compliment! better out than in, i always say.

you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

let's do that again!

what's that? it's hideous.

only a true friend would be that cruelly honest!

well, technically, you're not a king.

the battle is won.

so where is this fire-breathing pain in the neck, anyway?

hey, don't look at me. i didn't invite them.

it's on my to-do list!

you're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banners flying!

that's not the point!

huh, celebrity marriages. they never last, do they?

that'll do, [name]. that'll do.

you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

well, that's not very nice. it's just a donkey.

where are you going? the exit's over there!

i have to save my ass.

what kind of a knight are you?

i was talking about the dragon.

man, this would be so much easier if i wasn't color-blind.

we can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... i'm making waffles!

whoa, look at that. who'd wanna live in a place like that?

that... would be my home.

i think i need a hug.

you're a monster!

we were forced to come here!

you know, you're really quite a decorator!

it's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget!

i like that boulder. that is a nice boulder.

you know, not everybody likes onions.

everybody loves cake!

i don't care what everyone likes!

have you ever met a person, you say, "let's get some parfait," they say, "hell no, i don't like parfait."

end of story! bye bye! see ya later!

parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!

it talks?

i'm not the monster here, you are!

now tell me, where are the others!

eat me!

i've tried to be fair to you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end.

all right then! who's hiding them?

oh you're going to love it there.

men of his stature are in short supply.

it's getting him to shut up that's the trick!

hey, what's your problem [name], what you got against the whole world anyway, huh?

i'll find those stairs.

look, i'm not the one with the problem, okay? it's the world that seems to have a problem with me.

do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

hey, where're you going?

oh man, i can't feel my toes!

take a look at me. what am i?

doesn't that bother you?

man, i like you. what's your name?

you're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

there you are, doing it again!

oh... oh this is all my fault.

you can't do this to me! i'm too young for you to die!

you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off, my mouth was open and everything.

believe me, if it was me... you'd be dead.

i steal from the rich and give to the needy.

man, that was annoying.

i was sent to rescue you.

i'm supposed to be rescued by my true love!

your job is not my problem.

you love this woman, don't you?

i don't want to rush into a physical relationship.

like that's ever gonna happen!

why are you following me?

stop singing!

it's no wonder you don't have any friends!

[dokries]

Hello! Lovesick soonyoung anon here again!🤗 I would absolutely take you up on your offer to write more for him! I don’t have any ideas myself sadly as I feel like you’ve covered all the bases with “home,” so all I can ask is: go nuts!!! Hit me with all the wholesome rays you can!💕🫶

10:10pm

pairing: kwon soonyoung (hoshi) x gender neutral reader

genre: fluff, married au, a lil comfort if you squint

word count: 448

warnings: mentions of cooking/food, a knife (cause. cooking.), soonyoung gets in trouble, petname (babe), latte gets blamed for something she didn’t do

author note: hi anon!! you’re so sweet omg 🥹 yeah, i did cover a lot with home but…not cooking! well, it was supposed to be just a cute lil cooking fic but…anyway, i hope it lives up to your expectations 😭 lots of love <3 also i couldn’t think of a title so timestamp it is :D (well kinda, i like to keep my formatting lol)

masterlist

“am i allowed to—”

your husband barely starts before you cut him off, and the tunic of the onion in your hands. “no.”

he pouts, and mutters about how you’re being unfair under his breath until you sigh, looking up from the cutting board in front of you. “kwon soonyoung, we both know you’re not to be trusted around fire.”

you put your knife down to look over at the pot of ramyeon that’s slowly coming to a boil, and nod, satisfied with its progress. it’s your turn to make dinner, as usual, because you can’t trust soonyoung around the kitchen–one way or another, he’ll end up burning the place down, and you really don’t want that to happen.

meanwhile, your husband tries to defend himself, protesting, “hey, i only preheated the kettle one time!”

“if it happened once, it can happen again,” you casually say with a shrug, and he sighs, giving up.

soonyoung moves to grab a drink of water behind you, and looks at you from the side of his eye. “would you at least let me wash the dishes? i feel bad for making you do all the work, so i wanna help in any way i can.”

you coo, turning and reaching over to pinch his cheek. “oh, my soonie’s all grown up now!”

“yup, i am!” he giggles and smiles proudly before biting his lip. “babe, i promise i won’t flood the kitchen again.”

“what?” you pause, and your husband freezes, knowing you’re about to unleash hell on him…right, he didn’t tell you he did it, and instead blamed it on his dog, who’s over at his sister’s for the weekend.

your eye twitches as you try to speak calmly–keyword being try (soonyoung can hear the thinly veiled amusement behind your voice though, so he knows you’re not too mad). “kwon soonyoung, are you kidding me? was this the reason i found weird stains on our old carpet? i thought you said latte did that by accident!”

soonyoung rubs the back of his neck sheepishly before pouting. “wait, so latte gets a pass but i don’t?”

you nod, looking at him as if it should be obvious. “well, duh. that’s my baby.”

“she’s our baby, not just yours!” soonyoung gasps, putting a hand to his mouth.

you raise an eyebrow before sighing, reaching out to grab your husband’s hand. “tell me next time, okay? i will be a little mad but at least we can solve whatever problem there is together, right?”

“i’m here for you. always.” you whisper, placing a kiss on his forehead, and he smiles softly before repeating your words back to you.

“i’m always here for you too.”

[moonstruckme]

Dude I just get my hearing aid after have trouble hearing for some months

Could I request one for any character you like with a reader with hearing problem? When it happens they already in relationship so it a big change for both of them?

Cos not everyone in my family take it kindly... So it might happen in relationship too right?

I'm sorry you had to wait so long lovely! I don't have much experience with hearing impairments, so I apologize if anything is inaccurate—please feel free to let me know! And thank you for requesting <3

cw: frustrations around not hearing well, difficulties aquiring healthcare

Steve Harrington x fem!reader ♡ 1k words

You’re dicing onions, blinking hard against the fumes and trying to make as quick work of it as you can, when something touches your lower back. You gasp and jolt, knife slipping down the curvature of the onion and scaring you badly enough that you drop it as you spin around. 

Steve looks just as startled as you do, staring at you with wide eyes. Lately, you’ve had trouble catching everything people say when they talk, but that’s not an issue now because he’s immediately yelling. 

“Jesus—shit!” He drops into a squat, picking up the knife you hadn’t realized had clattered to your feet. Your heart’s still going a mile a minute, his panic fueling your own. “What the hell was that?” 

You press your fingers to your temples, mindless of the vegetable juice stickying your hairline. “Oh my god,” you pant, “you scared me!” 

You see it click in Steve’s face. “You couldn’t—I said hi when I came in.” He shakes his head, agitated. “You hummed back!” 

“I didn’t.” 

“You did!”

“I must have been humming about something else!” A belated, frightened tear leaks from your eye, and you take a harsh breath, trying to slow the adrenaline racing through your bloodstream. “I didn’t hear you.” 

The appearance of tears reverses your boyfriend’s demeanor in an instant. “Hey,” he says, now soft enough that you see his lips form the word more than hear it. He sets the knife on the counter, gripping your upper arms. “Okay, I’m sorry. Don’t cry.” 

“It’s the onions,” you huff, though you’re not sure that’s strictly true. 

He makes a sound that might be a word and pulls you into his chest. You fist your hands in the material of his sweatshirt, still a little bit furious at him. Or maybe at everyone. Everything. 

Steve says something else, and you sigh. 

“Can’t hear you.” 

Usually he’s better about this, but you still get sick of saying it. It feels like he’s making you remind him, forcing you to admit you can’t get on just the same as everybody else, though of course you know he’d never do that. Steve’s a good guy down to his bones. You’re just mad, lately. 

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he says at an audible volume. “I thought you could hear the door, and then when you seemed like you responded to me saying hi…I just thought I was good.” 

“It’s fine.” 

You’re shaking just slightly, the adrenaline working its way out of your system, and when Steve notices he tightens his grip on you as if he can contain your panic. 

“I almost made you cut your own finger off,” he says. 

“Well, I didn’t.” 

“Still.” He presses a kiss into your hair. “How long until you can get a hearing aid again?” 

Irritation prickles down your spine. “I don’t know. I’m still working it out with the insurance company.” 

Steve must hear the darkness seeping into your tone, because he gives your upper back a solid rub. “Let me know if there’s any way I can help.” 

You have to clamp your jaw shut, the temptation to be cruel sharp and cutting in your mouth. You could help by remembering to speak up, you want to say. It doesn’t seem like you’re asking that much of him. You can understand when other people forget, but Steve lives with you. It’s not so hard to raise his voice a little when he wants you to understand what he’s saying. Half the time, you can’t even hear yourself when you speak because you’re trying to be considerate of him and talk at a normal volume. When he doesn’t do the same for you, it makes you feel like you’re in this alone. 

Still, you know these thoughts don’t have so much to do with a deficiency in your boyfriend as your upset over your own change in circumstance. All of a sudden, the way you experience the entire world has shifted. You hate asking Steve to accommodate you, and you wish that you didn’t have to ask, but it’s nobody’s fault that you’re both still adjusting. In the time between now and when you eventually get a hearing aid, you’re just going to have to get used to this feeling that you’re a world apart from him. It’s not his fault he can’t be in it with you. 

Steve pulls away from the hug but keeps his hands on your arms, and he’s looking at you oddly. Considering. For all the shit you give him about not understanding when you need help, he really can surprise you with his intuition sometimes. Maybe he just knows you that well. 

You’re about to ask What? and hope your voice doesn’t come out as pissy as you feel when he says, in a tone somehow both loud and gentle, “Maybe I could get you a walkie talkie.” 

You blink. “Huh?” 

“Dustin just got these ones that light up when someone’s talking to you,” he explains. He lets you go, leaning back with his elbows on the counter opposite you and a pensive furrow between his brows. “So what if instead of trying to guess what you can hear, I just call you on that when I’m about to come inside? That way even if you don’t hear it you’ll see the light.” 

“That…could work.” You hesitate. “So I’d just carry it everywhere with me so I see if it lights up?” 

Steve winces. “I guess it doesn’t sound as easy as I’d thought.” 

“No, let’s try it,” you say, encouragingly as you can and nodding for good measure. “It might help.” 

“Yeah?” he asks hopefully. 

“Mhm.” You nod again. “Thanks, Stevie. I know I…I know this is really inconvenient. Thanks for trying so hard.” 

“Hey, it’s not. It’s nothing.” His voice drops until you can barely make it out, and when you look up at him Steve’s expression is softly fond. He makes sure you can hear when he asks, “You want another hug, honey?”

There’s that intuition again. You nod, stepping into his arms where he waits by the counter and wrapping yours tightly around his waist. 

“Thank you,” you say again, the material of his sweatshirt heating with your breath. 

Steve presses his cheek to your head. “Don’t mention it.” 

[mintkookiess]

It's Always Been Her.

A/N before anything else: Hey there I'm Mint! I finally got the guts to actually post something instead of keeping it in my private blog sue me (╯•﹏•╰)

Felt a bit angsty today and I've been practicing more on my writing so, I decided why not post it

Please also note the characters here are aged up, none are minors, and Miles and our dear lovely fem!reader here are old enough to live together (Feel free to think up what age you want esp since there isn't really an age stated her). Plus, this has only been proof-read like twice and ran through grammarly once, hope it turned out okay still with the grammar and typos ಥ‿ಥ

Anyways enough about that, you can go ahead! Hearts and reblogs are appreciated

(Pls be nice ty)

Love,

Mint

P.S. AO3 saw it first here!

Summary: Y/n finds Miles comforting his ex girlfriend Gwen in their home.

Word count: 2.6k

Tags: Miles Morales x Fem!Reader Slight mention of blood (those are paper cuts I promise), angst (no happy ending babe), heartbreak, cutting up onions .°(ಗ д ಗ。)°.

"Y/n...?" Miles looked as if he had just seen a ghost, "How long have you been—" She hadn’t even realized how she stood by the door, crying with her mouth covered, her other hand clutching her aching chest, until he noticed her.

"Miles..." Y/n managed to choke out, her voice barely a whisper as she looked at her supposed lover Miles, comforting Gwen on the floor of their shared home's living room. Her eyes were filled with absolute sorrow, betrayal, hurt, anger, and anguish all rolled into one. She stood there helplessly, feet seemingly glued to the ground even if her brain has been telling her to run.

But she couldn't seem to look away or move a single inch as the tears continued to flow down like a stream down her cheeks that have turned pale from shock. Miles was rendered speechless, he had never seen Y/n like this, and he hadn't seen her cry much either.

"Y/n..." He said with a weak voice, his voice breaking ever so slightly as he slowly unwrapped his arms from Gwen, standing up to take a step towards her. He knew he should come to her, to hug her, comfort her, tell her it's okay but he couldn't seem to bring himself to do it. His hands trembled as he looked into her eyes. Y/n could see the fear and regret in them.

"What... What are you doing with her?" She croaked, still in a tone that made her voice sound like the harsh cold wind of winter. Y/n had watched Miles comfort Gwen for the past thirty minutes, and all she could do was see how vulnerable they were to each other, how Miles' comforting voice that felt so much like caramel soothed his ex-girlfriend who had been weeping like a deer in his chest.

It was another sense of betrayal and hurt, a whole new level of pain that Y/n couldn't even begin to explain. No words could describe how... broken she felt.

"She's... She's having.." he started, before pausing, trying to configure the right words to say to her—"She's having a hard time right now." He finally finished, his voice sounding weak. All Y/n did was stare right at him, tears still rolling down her eyes.

Seeing her cry made him want to do anything—to hug her, comfort her, and just say “Everything’s fine. I'm sorry, please stop crying, I love you." Miles didn't know what to do, it seemed as if he couldn't stop her from crying and it broke him.

Y/n started to let out small sobs from her lips that had dried and cracked from letting out so many tears. Her hands crept up to her face, trying to see if she could wake up from this dream that's become her new hell.

She was shaking her head slightly, shoulders sagging more and more as she felt all her patience thin out like paper. "You promised... You told me that you don't talk to her anymore." Y/n said slowly, her words slightly muffled from her hands.

Oh, how she tried so hard to not have her voice crack, even though she could hear her heart break into a million pieces per second.

Upon hearing her words, Miles visibly flinched. He looked down at his feet as if he was suddenly ashamed of himself. His head tilted back up to her, his eyes filled with shame. Miles stood there frozen, a few feet away from her, unable to bring himself to approach or move a single inch.

It was as if he wanted to make it up to her, but he was too scared, too fearful of what would happen. "Y/n..." The way he said her name was like it was a silent prayer, a plea. "I'm... sorry..."

After a few more tears, she removed her hands from her face. Her head hung low, but her eyes looked up at Miles with newly found determination and courage but still with a tinge of fear and hurt.

"You still love her."

Her words itself may have downright punched her heart as she could feel it gets beaten up and shatter, falling to the depths of her very soul. She didn't want to utter what she had been thinking since she saw the way Miles comforted Gwen with so much love that she thought was only reserved for her. Y/n feared that once she said it out loud, it would become real.

But deep down she knew that this had become her reality, whether she said it or not.

Miles felt like he was stabbed at every syllable, how deep her words wounded him. Yet he had to admit that the truth in what she said made them all the more gut-wrenching.

He looked away from her, trying to gather some little courage before facing Y/n once more. Miles' brown eyes bore into hers, two pairs of eyes containing remorse, regret, and betrayal. "Yes..." He finally answered, the weight of his guilt dragging every word down with him.

The second he confirmed her statement, it was as if her vision went black. "Thank you... for your honesty." Was all she could say.

Y/n's feet may weigh a thousand pounds right now, but she forced herself, dragging herself out the door. The only thing that she could think of was that she had to get away.

To run.

To hide.

To go to a place where Miles wouldn't find her.

His simple “ yes “ reply was enough to tell her that she was no longer wanted or needed. She felt herself to be a burden, someone holding back Miles from truly loving Gwen. Even though he had made promises to her, that he'd keep his and Y/n's relationship safe and out of harm.

As she started to walk away, Miles' heart severed apart with each step she took. He had never felt so lost, so scared, as he did right now. He hasn't even spared Gwen a glance behind him as he tried to take another step towards the direction Y/n disappeared to.

She walked away from him and he could only watch. All he wanted was to ask her to stay, to forgive him. He didn't want to lose Y/n, but he was too scared to act, fearing that it would make matters worse than it already was.

If that was even possible.

Y/n turned right towards their shared bedroom, her eyes sticking to the ground because she refused to take in the sight of the many pictures of her and Miles scattered around the walls and tables of the bedroom.

She made a beeline to the closet, pulled out luggage, and just threw in all the clothes she owned, every accessory in their shared drawers, and every perfume that decorated the vanity.

Y/n was slowly removing every trace of her in the bedroom.

Once she was done, she zipped the luggage close, and stomped to their framed pictures, their polaroids that were clipped to the walls, everything that had the both of them in it, and started throwing them across the tiled floor. She didn't let out a single scream, letting the picture frames break to make all the noise for her as she couldn't let out any noise.

Every time it shattered against the polished floor, her heart broke along with it.

Y/n continued to break and rip every picture, tears streaming hot down her cheek, dripping off her chin, and staining the dissipated pictures and smashed frames by her feet.

Miles stood there, his heart in his throat, hearing the sounds of glass smashing and wooden picture frames hitting the floor. He didn't move, though it hurt to hear that, and seeing the pictures being destroyed hurt even more.

He knew he should do something, he knew he should call out to her—but he was too much of a coward. He watched her destroy everything that held memories of their now-broken relationship.

Once everything was laid out on the floor either broken or ripped to shreds, Y/n fell to her knees, her hands covered in deep cuts as it started to bleed out from how hard her grip was while smashing the frames and destroying the pictures.

But she could only stare, her soulless eyes glazing over her two hands that had so much resemblance to her emotional and mental state. All wounded and cut up, bleeding for the whole world to see.

Her fingers shook ever so slightly, her perfectly manicured nails were now tinted a crimson shade from her blood, and all she could do was stare.

She didn't even feel any pain.

Miles finally snapped out of it, letting out a pained gasp as he sees her lacerated hands. He knew he had to do something and so he tried to walk to her, taking each step as if they were as heavy as lead weights. "Y/n... please... stop... you've hurt yourself..." He said as tears made their way down his face once again.

It was as if Y/n didn't hear him even though she did. She refused to respond, picking up the little pieces of the pictures she destroyed and examining them with her bloodied hands.

Every picture she saw, each one was of them that stared back at her with wide smiles. So much life, so much love and passion.

Now look at them. Look at how they ended up.

It was so pathetic that she thought it was laughable. How could their picture-perfect relationship turn into something so hideous, so ugly? Her mind was on constant replay of the way Miles' arms were wrapped around Gwen, whispering sweet nothings to her as she cried uncontrollably against him.

"Why did you do this to us Miles? We were doing so good..." She muttered. Y/n's face no longer held any sadness or... Any emotion. She was just there, kneeling on the floor with her cut-up hands and body staying still like she became a doll devoid of feelings.

"Y/n—" He started, his voice quiet and unsure. Miles continued to inch closer and closer to her, though it was clear he did so with caution. "I know that right now it may be hard for you to believe me, but... I'm sorry... I didn't mean for things to go this far I swear..." Miles whispered with quivering lips. He was trying so hard to remain composed, but he could feel his emotions overflow and take over his entire body.

He continued towards her until he was inches in front of Y/n, his heart practically beating out of his chest and with hands that were mad trembling.

"Y/n... Please don't leave me..." His voice convulsed in guilt. Miles knelt to be at her eye level, to beg for her forgiveness. He didn't care that the frame shards were probing his knees. He eyed her injured hands, reaching his hands toward her as if he was trying to stop her from leaving him forever.

But he could sense it. They both could. It was the end for the two of them.

Y/n was too tired, too exhausted to push his hands away. She remained in her spot as she felt walls around herself build-up, her soul fading further away from reality, causing her to be numb. Her eyes drifted to the hands that belonged to him, she couldn't help but remember how these same hands were the place she called her safe space for so many years.

Now, she thinks of it as the hands that had ruined her ruined them.

She sees the hands that had comforted someone who wasn't her, another girl who wasn't even supposed to be in their lives anymore. "Go to her Miles..." She whispered weakly, still refusing to look at him.

Miles' breath hitched, and his face paled at the words that came out of her mouth. "Y/n... no..." he tried to say something, to make her stay, anything. There were so many words on his tongue that he wished to utter out, but he didn't have the courage or strength to say a single one.

He wanted to say how much he loved her, but he knew that Y/n was drifting further away from him with each passing second.

So Miles did the only thing he could and stared at her, with a face frozen with shame and fear.

His words slowly snapped her out of her trance, like a spell that seemed to have awoken her back to reality.

She slowly pushed herself up, wiping down her hands on her skirt to remove the remaining blood that hadn't dried out. Her e/c eyes finally looked down at Miles, kneeling before her.

Y/n felt her blood boil at how pathetic he looked. She wondered how he could look in such a way when he was the one at fault, who practically shredded their relationship into pieces the moment he let Gwen inside their home.

"Go to her Miles," She repeated with a more stern voice. Her breathing started to become heavier with all the anger inside of her threatening to spill over. "That's what you wanted anyway right?" Y/n said a bit louder now. "It's her! It's always been fucking her right?!" She was yelling, each word leaving a strain on her throat and a bad taste on her tongue.

Her hands balled into fists, feeling the sting of her nails digging into her new cuts and wounds but she didn't give two shits about it right now.

The fire in her eyes scared Miles. He started to hyperventilate, his chest tightening and feeling his lungs scream in search of air. Her voice was laced with so much malice and hatred that it scared him. “Y/n, please... I—" His words were getting tangled, and they were sounding more and more like a mess.

"It's always been her. No matter how many fucking times I tried to be perfect for you, to be the best woman for you. It was never fucking enough because I WASN'T HER!" Y/n cried out, her hand clutching her chest so hard that she thought she would dig into her skin and her heart would bleed out.

She was heaving alongside him, their chests rising up and down in sync. Her every word tasted sour to her like each syllable was a dart of poison that was stabbing her insides and gutting her out. Miles flinched as her words pierced through him.

It was his fault, and he knew it. It hurt him to see the person he had come to love, hate him. He knew he deserved the anger, the hate, and he just felt himself hit rock bottom.

How could he do that to her?

To destroy her trust?

Gwen had wanted to talk to him about something and started telling him about her problems. He wanted to be there for her, but not realizing that he was jeopardizing his relationship with Y/n until it was too late. Some of his heart still belonged to Gwen, but god did he wish it didn't.

"Well, you should be fine now though, right? You can go back to her because I'm leaving." Y/n said with a newfound calm tone. She walked past him to grab her luggage, wincing in pain from her wounds as she pulled them out of their bedroom, leaving Miles in the heap of ripped-up pictures and broken frames.

She also walked past Gwen who was sitting silently in the living room.

She tried to approach Y/n, but the wounded girl was quick to walk out the door, slamming it behind her as she disappeared into the night, leaving the place she'd called theirs for the last five years.

But now, it wasn't her home anymore.

Fin.

See more of my Miles content here babes!

(if yall wanna be on my taglist feel free to let me know!)

[htttg]

Lasagne - Alessia Russo x reader

Summary: while ur girlfriends away at a game, you make her a lil surprise to come back to...

1.5k words

"Hey guys, what's up, as I'm sure you all know, my girlfriend Alessia has a big game today; a friendly with Scotland and very sadly I can't be there 'cause my big fat leg injury. So instead, I'm gonna just make some food and put the game on, and I thought you could join me," I spoke to my Instagram live from my kitchen.

"Kay, obviously gotta get all the ingredients out - we're making Lessi's favourite, lasagne, and her mum sent me her recipe so I'm gonna have to try my very best to live up to her mum's standards,"

I chatted to my phone absentmindedly as I collected all my ingredients.

"Guys I realise I'm giving you a tough choice here on where your attention goes - to the game or to me making lasagne. Look I will not be offended if you chose the game, I'm not the best chef in the whole of Europe, the Lionesses however,"

By now I had all the ingredients out and had started mixing up the sauce, talking and joking with myself to make the live entertaining. I had Lessi's game up on my laptop just behind my phone.

"I'm warning you lot now," I spoke, "that I'm the worst with onions, the literal worst so I will be in a right state in about thirty seconds,"

I peeled the onion, and diced it finely, trying to do it as quickly as possible as tears seeped from my eyes.

I stuck the onions in the saucepan but had to collect myself still.

Strings of curses came flying out my mouth as I strained my eyes a lot.

"Fuck, you're not supposed to touch them, are you? Maybe that makes it worse. I don't even think it can get worse, fucking look at me,"

I got closer to the camera, showing everyone my bloodshot, teary eyes, which just kept twitching.

I tried to get over the feeling, taking a breather. I rested my hands on my knees to support myself as I leaned over.

Suddenly, from my laptop, there was an eruption of noise and I shot up.

"Did they just score? Oh my god, Lessi scored, ahhh guys England are winning! Fuck my eyes! Awh she's doing so well, look at that replay that's a beautiful goal, jesus my girlfriend is so talented. Fuck my fucking eyes man this hurts. Awh she looks so happy, I'm so proud bless. God I wish I could've been there, guys they scored! My eyes still hurt like hell, god I told you I was the worst. I don't even get this - why me? Fuck!" I took another second, and then tried to continue, shaking my face as if it would help, "Okay, okay I have to keep going or I won't be done in time, shit, my eyes look bloody awful, hold on,"

I disappeared from my phone's view for a moment and came back with sunglasses on.

"What do you think guys? Look good?" I chuckled to myself, "yeah, these actually are Lessi's, not mine, they were the first ones I found. I might have to steal them from her though, definitely look better on me. Okay, let's keep going,"

England had scored another two goals by the time I was starting to construct the layers of the lasagne, with Less getting one of the assists. She really was playing great today, getting many praises from the commentators for her performance.

It really did make me so happy, seeing her beaming on screen. She'd been needing a win since a recent loss that she had taken pretty hard.

I wacked the lasagne in the oven a few minutes later, checking the time left on the match to make sure I had my timing right.

"Perfect, she'll get back a few minutes after it should come out the oven, now we just wait,"

I kept on with the live, turning my full attention to the game now. Scotland managed to score despite England dominating possession, but spirits still seemed high, England still leading by two goals.

Eventually my timer went, it had been 20 minutes since I put the lasagne in, so I went to check on it, even though I knew it would still need a fair amount of time.

"Right the cheese hasn't browned or anything, so I know it needs more time. How do I know though, when it's fully done, just from the cheese on top or what? I'ma give Carol a ring,"

I grabbed the house phone and dialled Alessia's mum's number. As it rang, I did a lil dance to the live.

"Hello?"

"Oh, hey Carol, it's Y/N,"

"Hi love, is the lasagne going alright?"

"Yes, great in fact and I haven't burnt the house down just yet,"

She chuckled a little at that.

"I was just calling to ask how you know it's done; I'm watching for when the cheese brown so when it does should I just take it out then?"

"Yeah, so when it's golden brown on top that's done, and the sauce will be bubbling around the edges. If you want, you can also stick it with a toothpick. If it's easy to push to the bottom layer then you should be good to go,"

"Oh that’s perfect, thank you so much. You watching the game?"

"Of course, course I am. Her goal was beautiful, wasn't it?"

"Sailed right into the net, amazing goal. She really is playing amazingly, she should be so proud,"

"And right after that hard loss the other day,"

"Yeah for sure, and you can see she's having so much fun as well, so nice to see,"

"And she's lucky to have you too, making her lasagne is so sweet she'll be so thankful,"

"Well, I have to give you some credit, it's your recipe after all. Anyway Carol, I better focus on my lasagne, or she'll come home to a burnt brick instead,"

"Of course, well I hope to speak to you soon, I'll give Less a call after the game,"

"We should look at going out for a meal soon, it's been a while,"

"Oh, that would be perfect, bye then,"

"Bye!"

The game ended shortly after, and then I got a message from my girlfriend saying she'd be home in 10. Perfect timing pretty much.

10 minutes later I heard her keys rattling in the door and ran to go greet her.

"Lessi, hun, you did so amazing!" I called out before practically throwing myself into her arms.

She pulled me close, her arms tightly wrapped around my shoulders as mine snaked around her waist. I buried my head into the crook of her neck, enjoying being so close to her after what had felt like ages.

"I missed you," I told her.

I could feel her sniffing the air, evidently the smell of the lasagne creeping into her senses.

"Lasagne?" she asked hesitantly, her voice filled with hope.

I chuckled, pulling away from the hug and leading her into the kitchen.

"I thought it'd be nice to make you something, plus you deserve it with that goal, stunning. Here, come, I'm live on Instagram,"

"You really made me lasagne?" she asked happily.

"Your mum’s recipe,"

She pulled me back into a hug from behind as I was facing my phone, watching the messages on my live fly past. Her chin nestled into my neck.

"I love you so much," she whispered quietly before pressing a kiss into my skin, giving me goosebumps.

"Alright, get off you big lump," I told her, but my tone was light and there was a smile plastered on my face, "I'll serve it up,"

She withdrew from the embrace and sat up on one of the stools.

We talked with each other and with the live as I dished up the lasagne for us both.

"Here, pass," I indicated to my phone which she was holding and propped it up to get a video of her trying the dish I'd slaved over for more than an hour.

"It's good," she said with a grin, it came out muffled with her cheeks stuffed with pasta, and I could tell she really meant it, "it's really good. Mmm! Exactly what I needed,"

"Yayy. I'm glad it's good," I responded, and then we ended the live a few minutes later with a wave to the camera.

"Now that's off, I can do this," I said and turned to her.

I pulled her in for a kiss. It tasted like lasagne. She pulled away when we both ended up smiling into each other's lips.

"You couldn't do that before we ended the live?" she teased. I know she didn't mean it, we'd both talked about pda before, deciding not everyone needed to see it. Best not to encourage the tiktok edits.

"You really did play amazing today Less, I was so proud. You made it look easy,"

She chuckled a little.

"Come back here," she mumbled, putting her hand on the back of my neck to kiss me again. It was more this time, our lips moving together perfectly until she cheekily bit down on my lip.

"Less!" I cried out, pulling back sharply.

"Sorry," she said, clearly not meaning it by the brazen smirk on her face, "you tasted too good I thought you were lasagne,"

[pagayos]

nct dream as : boyfriends

authors note 💬 : hello, this post will be written in lowercase only , and i'm trying different styles since i want to know what's suits me best !

MARK LEE : taste the love

cooking with your boyfriend mark during weekends is way of both of you hanging with each other, see mark isn't really a big fan of cooking but when he's doing it with you, he finds it fun and amusing.

you were peacefully washing the vegetables that you're going to use to make a salad for later, when you suddenly heared someone sniffled.

you looked at your boyfriend's direction and was immediately greeted by a teary eyed mark.

"i don't know if i should coo or be concerned" you teased, now both of arms are crossed to each other.

"okay now you're making fun of me" mark stopped dicing the onions and went to wipe his tears with his bare hands, which was a bad idea.

"AGHHH! IT BURNS OH MY EYE" the male shouted from the sudden sensation which made you worried, so you immediately went to the freezer and grabbed an ice cube to rub it in his burning eye.

mark isn't a big fan of cooking and you know it, but you sure give him credit for trying and putting an effort while doing it!

HAECHAN LEE : uno to my heart

silence fills your shared apartment as you and boyfriend sits on the living room's wooden floor, the sound that can only be heard was a ticking from a duck wall clock you got him from your 3rd anniversary.

"uno!" you excitedly said, as you only have one card left in your hand. finally after three games you're going to win against the and only haechan lee.

"i don't think so" the male sitting across you squinted his eyes before he drops a block card, then another block card.

"no ─ haechan, no" you dramatically pleaded, covering your mouth with your free hand while shaking your head finally noticing what he was doing, you once again fell into his trap.

"it has to be done love, i have no choice" he jokingly cried as he drops a 4+ card, then another until he only has one card just like you had before.

"BOOM! I WIN, AGAIN" haechan stood up from where he' siting celebrating his fourth time winning while you're there in utter disbelief.

haechan loves playing games he's well aware of that, but there's one thing for sure and that is he will never play with your heart.

LEE JENO : one purrfect life !

it's a sunny saturday morning, you just finished eating breakfast and now you're drinking your favorite beverage which is coffee.

today was oddly quiet well because jeno went out an hour ago, the male said he has an emergency to attend too. you tried to come with him but Jeno declined so now you're here, alone in your apartment.

you were bored extremely bored, so you decided to watch the morning news in the television. to be honest with yourself, you never thought you'd be like those adults who watches tv while standing with their arms on their hips, but here you are doing the same thing.

adulting is really something.

you were focused on watching the weather caster when suddenly jeno burst into the apartment, which made a loud noise and made you look at his direction.

"jeno that sur ─ oh hell no!" stunned to what you're seeing, you boyfriend for almost two years just bought a cat into your home.

"oh c'mon honey, look at him he's cute. he can be our son we'll name him nono!" jeno gave you his puppy smile, knowing you damn well you can't handle it and plus nono is in your home why not just adopt him.

a month later 𔘓

"oh yes who's mama's baby, it's youuu" you cood, while carrying a freshly bath nono. for a cat he's really gentle, maybe the cats weren't the problems after all, it's how the owners treats them.

Jeno looked at you with his arms crossed while sitting in the couch, the male can't believe he's jealous over a cat he bought home.

NA JAEMIN : i love you, boo!

three days ago you and jaemin went out to do some grocery shopping for your apartment, everything is going well nothing bad seems to happen that day. well until your boyfriend decided to go to a toy store to buy something.

you didn't really think much of it, assuming that the toy box he brought was for his neice. and now a two days later you're here stuck in uncomfortable position, while his little brother jisung is watching the both you.

"okay um, jaemin right hand blue!" jisung looked up from the small paper with an arrow to watch his brother put his right hand on the blue circle.

"alright um, guys why are you playing twister? there's has to be a reason" jisung asked out of curiosity, it's impossible for you to play this type of games without his brother bribing you.

it started three days ago.

"yeah no, i'm not playing that jaemin. i'd rather drink your 8 shots of expresso" you casually said while scrolling to your ig feed, but of course jaemin knows your weakness, my melody yume yami plush doll.

"if you win i'll give you the my melody yume yami plush" as soon as you heared those words leave his mouth, a war between you two was declared.

And now the both of you are here, playing the twister game. no one seems to have given up, you and jaemin might be the polarr opposite but there's one thing that you guys have in common and that is both of you are competitive.

"boo, you know i love you right? but i am not losing that my melody plushie" you were determined, you've been finding that plushie for almost a year and there's no way you're not getting it today, it's now or never.

jaemin saw the determination in your face, it made him smile even though he's in an uncomfortable situation. so he decided to give up reasoning that his body is starting to ache.

win or lose your boyfriend jaemin is still going to give it to you anyways, he just wanted to try the game twister and tease the living hell out of you.

end ─

[radiaurapple]

Lucid Dreams of New Orleans: Chapter 13

CHAPTER SUMMARY: IN WHICH Alastor attends an important meeting.

FIC SUMMARY: Lucifer has always kept his distance from sinners. It’s what keeps him (relatively) sane — if he gets too close, he is haunted by visions of the tragic mortal lives that landed them in Hell. But in his new life at the Hotel, it is more difficult than ever to stay away — and when it comes to light that his daughter’s insufferable facilities manager is gravely wounded, it falls to Lucifer to deliver his soul from Death. In so doing, he falls headfirst into the sins, past lives, and heartbreaks of the one human whose contradictions he is powerless to resist.

[AO3 LINK]

New chapter!! we are almost at the end now! 📻🍎 thanks to those who have been reading along, and I hope you enjoy the chapter!

chapter preview below!

On the sixth sleepless night, Alastor finally tries to go home on his own.

Lucifer had told him it was possible, but offered no guidance. Alastor begins by calling up sensory details, the same way he would steer when Lucifer touched him. The rocking chair on the porch of his home. The clicking of knitting needles. The sizzle of diced onion dropped into a hot pan. 

Imagining gets him nowhere. His trip to Heaven is tomorrow, and he needs to — he must —

He curls in on himself and repeats the words in his head, like a melody:

Show me my mother — show me my mother — show me my mother —

But the fabric of his own soul is unyielding. 

Hours later, sleep finally finds him. He dreams once more of falling. 

The morning begins like any other. Alastor dons the new suit he procured for this occasion — a more minimalist version of his typical attire, closer to black than maroon. Clean, neat, and crisply starched. He buttons the jacket, pulls his hair back into a neat bun, and regards his reflection in his bathroom mirror. His new suit is certainly more befitting for a representative of the Hotel than his typical attire — which, though beloved and well-maintained, is tatty from years of use and the frequent magical removal of bloodstains. 

He is certain the new suit is the appropriate choice. Yet the deviation from his typical appearance makes him feel exposed, somehow — vulnerable. He considers abandoning the idea, but he has already missed his self-imposed deadline to head downstairs. The portal to Heaven is opening soon — the others will already be waiting for him.

He masks his apprehension behind a wide smile and leaves his room.

Everyone is indeed already milling about the seating area in the entry hall. 

Charlie is seated on a stool, scribbling in a notepad propped in her lap. When she spots Alastor, she waves him over with a smile on her face — no doubt to discuss strategy for their approaching trip. 

Alastor hesitates — Lucifer is standing behind Charlie, braiding her hair.

He recovers after a moment and takes the armchair across from Charlie. Lucifer is working intently, dividing and weaving her hair with deft, confident movements. It is like watching him do scales — rhythmic and effortless as a river. His eyes are intently focused on his hands, and he holds a hair tie between his teeth. 

Across the room, Husk laughs at Angel’s joke; Lucifer glances up, and his eyes flit past Alastor like he isn’t even there. 

The domestic scene makes Alastor’s stomach twist. He —

“—Alastor?”

Alastor viciously reins in his emotions with practiced efficiency. “Good morning, Charlie,” Alastor says, his smile pleasant, his voice even. “Lucifer.”

Lucifer nods in greeting without looking up.

They haven’t spoken since Alastor walked away nearly a week ago. When they’re in the same room, it is like this — both of them trying, to the best of their ability, to ignore one another’s existence. 

Lucifer takes the hair tie from his mouth, stretches it around his fingers, and winds it around the end of Charlie’s braid with a practiced movement. Charlie smiles and turns so the group can see her hair. It is a French braid with a few smaller braids woven in. 

Angel gasps. “It’s so pretty!”

“Very elegant,” Alastor says. 

“Thank you!” Charlie says. “Dad used to do this for me all the time as a kid, but this has to be the first time in years that —”

She is interrupted by the sound of a portal splitting open in front of the central staircase. 

Adrenaline surges through Alastor’s veins. He’s about to step through that portal. The Heaven on the other side of it is not a dream. 

“I guess it’s time,” Charlie says, her own voice tinged with nerves. She collects a thin binder from the coffee table — it contains the policy proposals she has carefully curated for this occasion. She clutches it tightly to her chest. 

Alastor widens his smile — more determined than ever to affect confidence for her sake. He stands and approaches the portal with a steady, calm posture. 

He stops next to the portal and gestures with his hand. “After you.”

“See you guys tonight,” Charlie says, and steps through. 

Alastor takes a step forward. 

“Al — Alastor,” Lucifer says. 

Alastor turns. Lucifer is watching him with wide, concerned eyes. Alastor’s anxiety multiplies — only Lucifer has any clue how Alastor might really feel about this visit to Heaven, and he has no appreciation for subtlety. Can’t Lucifer see that Alastor is only keeping control by a single fraying thread? One more word and Lucifer will give the game away. 

“What?” Alastor says flatly — in his rising panic, the word comes out a little sharper than he intends.

Lucifer stiffens, studies the floor. Then he glances back up at Alastor, his gaze steady. “Nothing,” he says lightly. “Just take care.” 

An echo of the words Alastor had spoken to Hollis a week ago, when he and Lucifer still enjoyed their simple routine. Before the tangled complexity of their friendship had exceeded Alastor’s capacity to comprehend. 

Alastor nods, turns on his heel, and steps through the portal. 

[AO3 LINK]

[joelswritingmistress]

Last Halloween: Chapter 11

Summary: After a tragedy involving Joel happened on Halloween one year prior, the town now shuns him while ignoring the details of the now closed case. You are seemingly the only one to offer empathy to a man the town is making out to be a monster.

Pairing: Joel x f!reader

An overcast sky overtook the former sunny day as you drove across town in the mid-afternoon. Somehow you enjoyed the slate background better than the blue, as it contrasted the yellow and orange leaves that fell from the trees. You were quite literally living in one of those fall ambience backgrounds that littered Instagram and Tumblr.

Passing the town green made you smile to yourself, as groups of kids of all ages were putting up scarecrows for the annual contest. While there was so much ugly that lurked in the shadows, you took time to appreciate the good that outshined it.

As you passed by the coffee shop you subconsciously ducked down because of the call out you made. Inside you caught a glimpse of two of your coworkers and a small part of you felt a tad guilty.

They're making money, you reminded yourself. And it wasn't like it was the weekend. You knew your guilty conscious was unmatched.

When you arrived home there were no cars in the driveway and you wandered inside. You helped yourself to a quick snack, tempted to open one of the bags of Halloween candy that the four of you had been buying weekly in anticipation for the trick or treaters on Halloween night.

Rather, you tossed a handful of potato chips onto a paper plate and scooped out two spoonfuls of French Onion to the side.

"How am I still hungry?" You spoke to yourself, dunking a ruffled chip before popping it into your mouth.

A noise from down the hall made you freeze for a second and you stopped chewing. You looked around the empty kitchen and continued to listen. When there wasn't another noise you continued to chew and wrote it off as something from outside.

The second noise, however, you couldn't ignore. Naturally you wanted to call out, 'hello', but you had seen one too many movies to even consider it.

Did I miss someone's car in the driveway? You wondered. No was the answer. You didn't have to look to double check; but you did anyway. The only car parked out there was your blue Mazda.

You eyed the hallway that led down to your bedrooms and took a deep breath. The creak of a door held you firmly in place again and your stomach knotted up. The faces of Vic, the cops from the night before and even Steve popped into your head.

"Shit." You whispered to yourself, glancing toward the front door. Carefully, you tiptoed in that direction, but you didn't get all of two steps and someone emerged from your bedroom.

You screamed. They screamed. You were about to run to the door but it registered who you were screaming with.

"Winnie!" You shrieked her name.

"I didn't hear you come in," she confessed, breathing heavy with a black dress in her hand.

"Is that my dress?"

"I texted you asking if I could borrow it for a night out with Jacob but you didn't respond."

"I'm sorry." You rummaged in the pocket of your hoodie for your phone and saw you had somehow overlooked the message from your friend. "Where's your car?"

Winnie raised her eyebrows and then looked away with a smirk. "I Ubered home last night after a party at the beer garden. My car's still in the parking lot."

You laughed and caught your breath, sighing out loud. "Shit. I thought you were an intruder."

Winnie laughed. "I just thought I was alone."

"Well, you can borrow the dress." You laughed. "You don't even have to ask."

Winnie stalked up to where you were standing. "Where were *you* last night?" She asked with playful accusation.

The look on your face gave away most of what she needed to know.

"Who is he?" Winnie asked. "And what the hell? You haven't told me about a guy. Ooo wait, was it a one night stand? Was it Steve?" Her questions came out in rapid fire and it made you laugh again.

"No and no," you replied as quickly as possible and then added a third, "No," for good measure.

"Okay, so.. spill it! Ahh I'm excited!" Winnie's energy was through the roof, and often contagious.

"You have to promise you won't judge."

"I'm a little hurt you even have to lead off like that."

"I know, I know. Okay." You let out a deep breath. "Umm.. well.. I've been seeing.." you let out a second deep breath, "Joel Miller."

Winnie's eyes were on the verge of cartoonish from the way they bugged out of her head. "Wait? Actually?"

You nodded. "I know what people think about him. But I know the whole story."

"I never really thought he was guilty of anything anyway."

"You didn't?"

"I've seen that Johnny dude around in the past. Saw him straight up smack his girl in the parking lot behind Oakshire Tavern. And I'm not talking about a little smack, I'm talking about sending her to the pavement in her finest dress smack."

"Oh my-"

"Yeah. My dad told me all about them and the way they terrorized people in high school and stuff. He's like, a few years younger, but he knew of them."

"Wow." You shook your head in disbelief.

"You're really letting old man Miller tap that?" She asked, making you both laugh.

"We.. just did.. last night." You eyed the ceiling with a grin and then looked back to Winnie.

"Isn't he, like, thrice our age?"

"He's 41."

"Damn." Winnie grinned and then laughed again, this time putting her hands on her knees. "I need time to process this."

"You and me both." You laughed and let out a sigh, thankful for your friend's lighthearted reaction. "You don't care? Like, you don't think I'm weird?"

"I'm a little in shock," she admitted with a laugh. "And I still can't tell if you're kidding."

"I'm not kidding," you promised.

Winnie shrugged, still grinning so hard you suspected her cheeks hurt. "Then go get some."

You chuckled again and put a hand on your forehead. "Shit you scared me." You changed the subject.

Winnie continued to giggle. "I'm sorry. It's this town. It's the Halloween stuff that gets us all spooked."

"Yeah." You didn't want to indulge in the handful of other reasons you had for being jumpy.

The two of you wandered to the couch and you flipped on the television. Right away, on AMC, one of the Halloween movies was playing. The two of you looked at one another and Winnie shrugged.

"Might as well." She went and lit a candle, reaching for a blanket to cozy up under. "Joel Miller," she said quietly, making you slowly turn your head in her direction.

You both laughed again and alternated between talking, laughing and watching the movie for the next hour. Being around Winnie for that lull in the day was like chicken soup for the soul.

By the time you met back up with Joel you had that same refreshed feeling. Two out of three of your friends thus far had had your back. You were nervous, but certain, that Chrissy would be on the same page once you had the opportunity to talk to her.

Knocking on Joel's door and seeing him standing there to greet you with a kiss and smile was all you had ever wanted in relationship. Things were moving fast. It was scary in its own way; but it was exciting and fun and left you feeling lighter that air. This was the type of relationship you never expected to find after your long stint in the dating pool.

"The rest of work was good?" You asked, practically pinning yourself to him as you linked your arms behind his neck.

"Mmmhmm.." Joel kissed you on the lips. "What'd you do all afternoon?"

"Watched a movie with Winnie. She passed the vibe check."

"Vibe check?"

"She's in our corner, too." You told him. "Said her dad told her the same type of stuff about the Champagne family." You pecked his lips and then changed the subject. "We're not on a strict schedule or anything are we?" You asked, "As far as tonight's plans go?"

Joel shrugged and eyed a clock on the wall. "No. Why?"

You locked the door behind you and then walked toward the staircase, resting an arm on the bottom of the banister with a suggestive smirk. Your eyes looked up toward the second floor and then back to Joel in such a way that would've clued in even the most innocent of men.

A wide smile formed on Joel's face. "You know we may never get to dinner if I follow you up there, right?" He stalked to where you stood there waiting for him.

When he got close enough, your arms reached up around him as he initiated a shamelessly long and urgent kiss - the kind that were saved for behind closed doors.

You moaned into his hungry mouth. "That's a risk I'm willing to take."

CLICK HERE FOR CHAPTER 12

@untamedheart81 @amyispxnk @grogusmum @ghostwritesthings @strawbunnyx @ayamenimthiriel @noisynightmarepoetry @jiminstinypinky @tuquoquebrute @pedr0swh0r3 @runningmom94 @mellymbee

[whumpshaped]

u guys r so.. (affectionate) i cannot believe i got 5 requests for 2 prompts

masterlist bingo card

tw vampire whumper, dehumanisation (the whole chapter is just that, literally), conditioning, manipulation, just a lot of mind games really

"Don't you ever think that maybe this is extremely fucked up?" Beck asked suddenly, unable to pretend that any of this was normal for a single moment longer. It probably helped that Helle was in the living room, while he was slicing vegetables in the kitchen, so he could pretend he was safer than usual.

The noise from the living room stopped instantly at the question. He didn't know what Helle had been doing, but evidently, they weren't doing it anymore. No, instead they walked right over to the kitchen, all because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"What is?" they asked from the door.

"I... all of it! I don't even know where to start, I, I am housing a vampire!" He turned to look at them, clutching the knife like his life depended on it. "Don't you– don't you ever think that this is all very– very cruel?"

"Well, I need to eat."

"No. No, that's not what you're doing. You're purposely tormenting me, making it more painful than it has to be–"

"Oh, I apologise. Should I perhaps go to the market, then, and pick up some 'ethically sourced' human blood?" They were only teasing, Beck reminded himself. There was no such market for blood. There wasn't. This wasn't a thing. "I should sell yours that way. You are free-range, are you not? Not tainted by any magic... that is rare. What else... well, you are not stress-free, but that can always change."

"None of this is ethical!" he snapped, way too defensive because of the joke about his blood being sold off. "Stop, stop being so nonchalant about it! This is my life! This is fucked up, you're ruining it, you're, you hurt me every single day–"

"What is the alternative?" they cut in calmly, but Beck could only give them a blank stare. Alternative? "What should I do instead? Starve? Or should I pluck out all those silly little thoughts about cruelty-free bloodletting from your head by use of magic? What do you suggest?"

Beck raised the knife, more and more terrified with each word. "N-no, don't, don't do that, do not do that–" A piece of onion fell from the blade to the floor with a little wet plop, possibly undermining his entire attempt at intimidating the vampire.

"That was very cruel to the onion, you know. Callous. How would you feel if I dropped you from the window right now?"

"I'm, I'm not a fucking piece of onion..." he said desperately, slowly realising that the more he made Helle talk about their opinions and feelings on humans, the more terrifying the situation got for him. "You... do you actually think it's the same principle..?"

"Similar in nature, certainly." They leaned against the door frame, surveying his expression with an easy smile. "Why? Is it unnerving to you, as the food source? But I presented you with two other avenues, you know."

"I, I don't want to be enthralled," he said quickly. "Please, I don't want that."

"What a coincidence! Me neither. That is why you are not enthralled. But unfortunately, I also do not wish to starve." They shrugged. "That means we will have to bite the bullet and continue in this cruel fashion, does it not? Or perhaps you just want me out of your life forever, not caring who else I might take for myself, because at least I am not being cruel to you. Is that it?"

"No, that's– that's not what I'm saying..."

"So what are you saying?"

"I... I don't know," he said quietly, lowering the knife. It was a blatant lie. In reality, he was thinking the exact thing Helle had pointed out. He just wanted them out of his house, out of his life, and out of his mind. He didn't think about others that he might put in danger. Honestly, he was probably keeping everyone in the area safe just by being Helle's long-term bloodbag... but why him? Why him?

"Does it scare you? To be selfish like that? Does it remind you of how you see me?"

"N-no, it's not even... it's not even close, it's not comparable..."

"Mmm, sure." They nodded towards the piece of onion on the floor. "This must be causing you immense distress if you can just leave that there. At any other time you would already be disinfecting."

"I just want you to be less cruel," he whispered, ignoring the taunt. "That's all. That's all I want. But you don't care, do you? You see nothing wrong with any of this."

Helle's smile widened, and Beck just knew they were about to say something that would break him further. "No. I do not. And you know why?" They walked into the kitchen and picked up the onion from the floor. "For the same reason you did not even care to pick this up. It does not matter to you. You do not stop to wonder whether it feels hurt, or whether you are being cruel by slicing it into pieces. You do not care if a piece falls, you do not care if you have to put it in the trash, it is absolutely inconsequential to you. Not worth a thought." They gently placed it on the counter, wiping their hand off on Beck's shirt. "So no, I do not usually think about whether it is 'fucked up' or 'cruel'. You are doing what you need to do to eat, and I am doing the same. If some parts of you fall along the way, well... let us hope there is someone there to pick them up."

~

taglist: @whumpsday @the-scrapegoat @hidden-dreamland @dismemberment-on-a-tuesday-night @delicateprincepaper @whumppmuhw @florissimps @nicolepascaline @oliversrarebooks @the-cyrulik @pirefyrelight

[mistressoftheelderitchwhorehouse]

Oooo great. Can I request Dazai and Chuuya (separately) and their reaction to their s/o making them Cajun food. (Specifically a crab boil for Dazai.)

Fuuuuuck yes you can!

Fandom: Bungo Stray Dogs

Pairings: Dazai x Reader and Chuuya x Reader

Reader Type: Black coded

------------‐------------------------

A Surprise for Dazai

Cooking was something that Dazai despised. He didn't have the motivation to, it was messy, and also he lived a ten minute walk from a convenience store. Why the hell would he ever cook?

Also... There was the fact that you wouldn't let him into the kitchen even if he wanted to.

When you weren't at work or enjoying his company, you could often be found in the kitchen making Western style food. It was expensive, but that's basically what you used your allowance from him for.

Spaghetti, garlic butter, chocolate cake, and now something with crab.

You had sent him out for it, and when he came back you had kicked him out of the kitchen once more.

That had been awhile ago.

Dazai had set himself up on your shared futon, and was reading some evidence for a case while steadily draining a beer he had procured while shopping. He didn't quite have a buzz, but his shoulders had relaxed, and he felt comfortable to let his facade drop while he heard you singing along to SZA while in the next room.

"Osamu, food's on!"

He tossed his book to the side, collected his beer, and went to the cramped kitchen. "Did my lovely Belladonna toss make some hemlock spiced crab for me?"

"You wish." You pulled the table out and plucked up the pot. "Can you set that up for me?"

He did as instructed, curiosity filling him even more. You typically just served bowls if you made stews or soups. You didn't like carrying hot pots and pans everywhere, nor did you allow him to do so either as you didn't want him to get hurt.

See? You're too cute for your own good. He set up the dining table beside the futon, and let you set the pot down.

"Feels like we're about to do a seance!"

"What kinda seances do you go to, Osamu? Never mind, don't answer that." You set the pot down, and pulled off the top. "Ta da~!"

Staring back at him was a pot full of potatoes, crab, corn, and sausage. It smelled warm and salty, but had some kind of an earthy scent too.

He looked up at you with wide eyes, allowing his true expression to show for once. "A crab hot pot for me?"

"Back home we call it a crab boil." You sat down opposite him and grinned. "Happy anniversary, Osamu."

"I didn't-"

"I don't need anything fancy from you." You pushed back a stray braid, your teeth worrying your bottom lip. "I wanted to do this for you. Enjoy it."

Dazai stared at you for a long moment, before closing his eyes and shaking his head. "You're gonna be the death of me one day."

"Yeah, yeah. How about trying this?"

He opened his eyes in time to get a mouth full of potato. It was warm, and buttery, and actually delicious.

"So?"

Dazai swallowed and stole the fork from you. "Can we have this next week to?"

"Ha! I knew you'd like it."

Fin

-------------------------------------

Warm

Chuuya rarely had any time off. If he wasn't planning a mission, being dragged off to strange tea shops by Elise, or doing the mountain of paperwork on his desk, he was sleeping.

Actually, that's what he had been doing no less than five minutes ago until the smell of onions, celery, and tomato filled his nose.

That was a sure sign that you were home.

He dragged himself out of bed, and tossed a robe over his shoulders, before padding out of the room. And there you were, listening to some podcast in English while stirring a pot. Your back was to him, and from your relaxed shoulders and the messy bun you'd tossed your curls into, he'd say you were relaxed.

He made his footsteps audible as he entered the kitchen, causing you to twist around with a smile. "Hey, Red. Did you sleep well?"

"Well enough for six hours." A yawn tore through his person, and you shook your head with a snicker. When he got ahold of his words again he gestured to the roiling steam behind you. "What'cha makin' ?"

"Gumbo! It's cold out, so I wanted you to get something warm before you headed out again."

"Ah, didn't have to do that, sweet thing. Got plenty of coffee in the office."

"I know, but," You twisted back around and the stove was shut off with a click. "you're important to me."

He fought the flush off his face as he scratched the back of his head. "Fuck, you know how to make a man feel special."

"Good! Now set the table with some bowls, please."

He did as instructed, taking out a beautiful magnolia printed set out of the China cabinet, before setting them down next to you.

It didn't take long to fill the bowl, and hand it back to Chuuya. The spice of tobasco and garlic made his mouth water.

He stole a spoon and took a bite. Warmth flooded his mouth and stomach, staving off the cold that threatened to creep through his windows and doors.

"So? How's it taste?"

"Best batch you made yet. Gonna have to write down the receipe."

"Ha, you're hilarious."

You served up your portion in a bowl, and you went over to the table. When you tried to sit down, Chuuya snatched you by the waist and sat you in his lap.

"Hey!"

"Just a second like this," He said. "Just a little longer."

He could feel your stare on his face as he took another bite of the gumbo, this time getting a mouthful of okra and sausage. Eventually you sighed and went to your own bowl. He squeezed your hip, and you dropped a hand to squeeze his wrist.

More warmth flooded his body, this one bring with it contentment.

Fin

I hope you enjoyed it! Please take some begniettes and tea on your way out~!

[xxitslivxx]

Cuphead rap lyrics 😱😱😱

Take a sip of this, I'm an itty bitty Cuphead

One sentence in, I've already made a pun, yep

Picking up steam, wonder why they call me hothead

Struck a deal with the devil, now I'm rackin' up debt

Yes I made a dumb bet, no need to get upset

I'm a cup of trouble, have you seen my mugshot yet?

Step in front of my finger gun, and you drop dead

Wallop all your bosses, leave 'em all jobless

They'll never stop me from runnin' like a faucet

I'm a full cup, don't you ever try to top it

You can never touch this, but you can kick the bucket

I'm meant to be drunk from, but not to be trusted

Heads up, hit the deck, Mugman

You don't really wanna get your head busted

I'm a dirty dish, who needs a rough scrubbin'

After doing these devilish deeds, God damn!

I'll stop this train even if it's haunted

"Where's my ship?" Sorry just sunk it

Hopping like a frog, duck and dodge your punches

Won't shed a single tear when I'm choppin' onions

Spent all your breath huffin' and puffin'

Just to get dumped on by a cup for nothin'

Unless all you wanna end up dead

You do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said

Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said

Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said

Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said

Do not mess with a Cuphead, 'nuff said

You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled

My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?

I took the devilish gamble

Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle

And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill

Any line that you happen to draw

Is a line I'll be stepping across

Trapped in a world lacking any natural laws

Have you had your coffee yet? 'Cause I'm off of the walls

My demons need some exorcise

A little caffeine oughta get 'em energized

Will we ever get to heaven when we die?

Can't get any worse, we already bet our lives

Forget fairy tales, they're fizzin' out

I'd like to pick a fight with that prick, Micky Mouse

I'll kick his ass then I'll knock Walt Disney out

I'll leave 'em with a taste of toxic in their mouth (no!)

My hand's been dealt, it's a bad draw though

I'll go all in when the rest all fold

Look's like I'm on the last straw so

Better tell the devil th-that th-that's all folks!

Come see what we been brewin'

Something to keep ya movin'

Must be the beat I'm boomin'

Hit me with that funky music

How do we keep on groovin'?

Once could say we been juicin'

Beepin' boopin', looney toonin'

Time for you to face the music

You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled

My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?

I took the devilish gamble

Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle

And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill

I feel like the holy grail

Just hope I don't go to Hell

If so that won't go so well

I've been bad, but no one tell

I'm much more than just cup

Raise a toast and pick me up

Pour one more and drink it up, but don't choke

'Cause I'm not the kinda cup you should be chugging from

I'll get the jump on ya when I run and gun

Working for Lucifer is a ton of fun

"You two, do my bidding" done and done

I'm a jazzy chap who'll leave you razzle-dazzled

After I whoop and wallop your ass in battle

When I'm stuck up shits creek without a paddle

Just imagine, the glass is half full

You'll never catch me cryin' over milk I spilled

My head ain't empty, but who knows with what it's filled?

I took the devilish gamble

Nothing that a Cuphead couldn't handle

And now it's time to foot the bibbadibibitty-bill

[mookiwrites]

What’s left of the man who had nothing | Part 3: My demons look like you

Brooo this is a big one, very ✨hefty✨. I just went on a trance while writing and when I “woke” this was there… remember, quality NEVER guaranteed!

Jokes aside I like this! I was eager to jump on the juicy parts I’ve planned but nothing was to my liking untill this spawned, everything seemed too rushed… so I do hope you’re able to enjoy it too~

@yoel-o-fellow let’s talk about what you got planned for Sverenne and everything because man I’d love to hear what’s in your head and if you also get lost in the sauce like I do when writing. (I’d also love to hear about it if that’s completely fine with you I’m mostly joking but also 👀✨)

Please enjoy, or not 😉😉 (no srs pls enjoy)

—————————————————————————

Believe it or else the Ruggaboors had to be kicked out the family property before they tore the place down. While Sebastian angrily played tug of war with a few members who insisted on taking chairs and statues, Marvin tried to argue very loudly that there would be another funeral soon enough so there was no need to strip the place naked right that instant.

That just prompted everyone to horrifically turn their heads towards the oldest member, the grandfather that fainted earlier, and smile in the disgusting way only the putrid family knew how to. Although most of them agreed it was a solid reason enough and put the many objects down, a sly someone slithered away with a random marble bust or two.

After being found in such a harrowing state, old Gallagher just sat on his chair in the living room. He had his nephews turn it to face the windows in the living room, but sat there silently barely reacting to anything they said or did to try and snap him out of that trance. The only time he got up was when it hit 4pm and his favorite flick was on, so he slowly moved to turn on the television, but sat facing away from it as the chair now looked straight out the window.

— What the hell even is a Notoriah? — Sebastian asked quite angrily — Uncle’s done gone mad! Almost made this funeral a double feature!

— By goodness, Jacob! Watch yourself! — Marvin clasped a hand over his brother’s mouth — Uncle! We’re going to fix dinner! Any requests?

Upon receiving a grunt in response he sighed in disappointment, them yelped from being bitten by Sebastian’s abnormally sharp canines. Both slowly headed into the kitchen while most lovely cursing eachother out very silently but very meanly so.

The kitchen did not lift their spirits in the slightest. Gomorrah was a terrible cook in her lifetime, most out of spite, but also because she couldn’t fathom herself taking the same role as her mother: tending to the house as a wife was her biggest fear. So she messed up food on her own accord, but when left alone and feeling gloomy, her hearty soup was something you just needed to taste.

Although they weren’t going hungry they definitely weren’t tasting anything good, their mum and uncle. The cabinets were stocked with those easy to make foods, supplements, old people food and rat poison enough to kill the whole population of english rats that probably resided in their attic and basement. The fridge had pieces of meat, juice and water, who the hell is out there juicing prunes? And a lonely bottle of cider on the very back as Sebastian made a mental note. A basket housed potatoes, garlic, and onions. Also a moldy apple to top it off.

— Well, he is definitely better off starving, so are we — Sebastian commented as he analyzed their options — But we can make a simple stew, maybe?

— Maybe we’d just head down to the pub? — Marvin grimaced at the squishy and dead apple.

Looking at eachother and finally throwing away the apple, they both nodded and resounded a “no”. Not leaving uncle alone at least untill he was back to his rotten and sarcastic self. They wanted no blood on their hands and nothing to do with planning a Ruggaboor funeral.

Now, although Marvin left home earlier, the man would starve sooner than anyone else in a dire situation. The circus troop gave him shelter and readily food, and then he’d live off many forgotten lovers for a few years untill they broke up or he wandered away without a word said. Also the man once burned water, Sebastian can easily vouch for it and so can the Stoke Fire Department.

The youngest Ruggaboor was the one to command the kitchen, giving orders and letting his brother do only a bit outside of cutting and pouring. His parents, the absolute winners of parenthood, couldn’t care less if he was fed or not, maybe out of being blackout drunk most of the day and away all night. Sebastian learned very early on — and specially after Marvin left — that independence was not only a gift he was given but also his only means for survival to a decent age.

The pot slowly cooked and filled the house with a good smell, not great but enough to make it feel less of a bummer. They sat at the table, one spreading butter on bread and the other hazardously toasting them with a simple lighter. This awkward exchange of glances and curse words whenever the hot butter fell on someone’s hand was the first moment of reflection Marvin and Sebastian were allowed that day — oh yes, we burried mother today huh? Ow! Soddin’ butter!…

— She’s really gone, that witch of a woman

— Didn’t ya always picture her being the one to burry us instead? — Marvin played around with the lighter — Ya sent me a letter saying that once

— Well? It made better sense than this — The youngest pointed around with a knife, and to the frilly apron he wore — That hag, good ridance!

Marvin chuckled, Sebastian smirked. For the two of them this too was the first time in a bit they felt carefree and not awkward around eachother in a goddamn while. Be it his pride getting in the way or an apology left unsaid. Be it his hurt and anger hidden by apathetic malice.

— She hadn’t spoken to me since so long ago — The youngest spoke — Then just the week before she passed, suddenly she calls me! Asks me when I’m coming to Stoke again!

— Mother probably felt something, Jacob, like cats do — He shrugged — Honestly it’s nonsensical for me too, she was able to find me and sent me a letter

— What did it say?

— That I shouldn’t be a stranger, that this place is my home too! Fuck! Can you even believe that? — Marvin asked, eyes watering all over — She said that! That… that awful woman!

— Well damn Marv, ye won’t believe what she told me then!

Between mumbled and sobbing words, he asked his brother. With a grim on his face, Sebastian punched the knife down, getting it stuck on the table. He leaned in real close to his brother’s face, enough that their breaths mixed very uncomfortably.

— Before I hung up, she told me that — He felt the tears welling up in his eyes — She’d love to see me face again, and that she loved me!

Dead silent, the pot boiling over now, butter and breadcrumbs all over everyone and everything. Sebastian started to laugh, which turned to a maniacal cackle very quickly as he turned off the stove and leaned over the counter, screaming while crying. Marvin, once startled, soon followed suit, also screeching laughing and falling back from his chair. Even after hitting the floor with a loud thud, they just kept laughing and cackling. Looking at eachother only made it worse but they couldn’t stop, that was too damn good.

Gallagher stood against the wall as he missed the chance to enter the kitchen while they weren’t losing their minds. But he heard good and he heard it all, he even aided his sister in writing the letter and finding the number to her son’s telephone line. Notoriah’s smirking face came to mind and the old man grit his teeth, making a fist with his right hand while the left was clenched around the cane.

Only he knew what his sister went through, only he knew what turned her into that monster. Everything and all that happened to them, to her, to his brother in law, all was his own fault way back when. Frustrating, scary as it was, he wanted them to know it all before he also became history. But Gallagher wouldn’t have no sons to curse his name at the kitchen table, not at all, he was alone. If he died and when he did, it would be like a whisper that got lost in translation, because no one would organize a fanfare to send him off to the seventh depth of Hell.

— Oh Morrah, I’ll see ye soon I promise — He whispered to himself — But I gots to fix this, so maybe in the next life…

No one would miss old Gallagher Ruggaboor. Nobody would be bothered at all, he smiled to himself while walking into the accidental carnage the kitchen had become, and no one will sing about me.

— Uncle..?

— Bloody hell the stew is ruined!..

— Pack up ye lot, we’re going for a walk!

Not one soul, nobody would miss him, poor old Gallagher Ruggaboor.

But to end something he started and destroy what destroyed him, maybe that’s worth it.

[chaosintheavenue]

Semi-shitpost random incorrect quotes, featuring my OCs and other random Fallout peeps. From this generator! Also, Jamison belongs to @mouseclarke

-

Trin: Go big or go home! Kayli: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home. Trin: I'm going big!

-

Settlers/Responders: Why are you guys acting like this? Raiders: Oh, we're not acting. We really are like this.

-

Literally anyone: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? Trin: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? Literally anyone: Yes. Trin: I'd sleep.

-

JJ: *is visibly upset* Anyone: JJ, what happened? I haven't seen you like this since you found out candyland wasn't an actual country.

-

Quin: Fight me! Charlie, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

-

Trin: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY) Dion: What's that? Trin: Remorse code. Dion: I'm even angrier now.

-

Jamsion, entering Rosalynn’s room: David did it again. Rosalynn: Peace disturbance? Jamison: What no- Rosalynn: Arson..? Jamison: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY- Rosalynn: uh....Attempted murder? Jamison: NO, HE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

-

James: So, JJ is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. Catherine: Why? James: Because I've caught him trying to train raccoons to fight five times in a row. JJ, arms crossed and pouting: You'll be thanking me when the third raccoon battalion saves your ass.

-

Trin’s mother: Anybody got any crayons so I can color in my Ph. D.?

-

Dion: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything? Battery: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital. Dion: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you. Battery: But I heard a siren. Dion: That was Trin’s mother. Trin’s mother: Sorry, I got nervous.

-

Violet: It’s not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

-

JJ: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

-

Brutus: So how’s the food Sigrid made? Charlie: It's great! Compliments to her. Brutus: *goes to the kitchen* Brutus: You're adorable. Sigrid: *blushes*

-

Charlie: What can therapy do for me that screaming in my car for 30 minutes can’t?

-

Trin’s father: What’s your biggest fear? Trin’s mother: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone. R: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back. Trin: Zombies. Everyone: ... Trin: BUT they can open doors.

-

Dion: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer. Trin’s father: Dion: Trin’s father: ...Please, go back to bed.

-

Some randomer: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? Melody: Um, murder??? Rosalynn: Adventuring! David: Tuesday.

-

Squad reactions to being called straight: Charlie: The fuck, no I'm not. Sigrid: Excuse the hell out of you? Six: Ding dong, you are wrong! Dion: Who told you that? And why did they lie? Red: Rude.

-

Aries: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. Kayli, used to Aries being Aries: Sure... Aries: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Kayli: Okay? Aries: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. Kayli: Aries: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio- Kayli: Jesus, that one is a little- Trin, interested: No, no, Aries, keep going.

-

Trin: As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

-

Tibbs: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

-

Violet: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos. Elyse: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

[hana]

*sigh* i’m blogging

do you remember that tweet from 2020, or maybe 2016, that was like 

“i don’t know how to explain to you that you should care about other people”

? i feel like’ve ricocheted off of an attempt to explain why one should care about others every 6 months, my entire adult life.

my pattern of approach has been to try reading some ethics text or another for a few weeks, with growing embarrassment about my search for a concrete answer to something that i should just fucking get (as a human, because it’s not something that needs to be proven to be done), until i finally surrender theory for a direct-action nonanswer like buying groceries for old people. 

it’s honestly not hard to get it and just do it. i’m sure this feeling is part of why some people do crazy shit like eat vegan, volunteer at hospice facilities, or go to med school to work in the baby ER. i think leaving it unexplored is fine, possibly even better than fine, because it would really suck to discover something that puts you off altruism. but, like, how can one resist thinking about it?

personally, my “reaching” of “maturity” has been the result of haphazardly staking out social and ethical boundaries that align with “values” i’ve found, inherited, or inherited but thought i found (secret third type). when i demonstrated to myself that i could pick them up and move them with me, throughout different social contexts, like a crinoline defining the shape of my character, i actually did feel quite mature. but i’m actually hugely naive and toddler-like in almost every way, even those in which i feel accomplished.

i’m kinda old-ish now (some scoff, some nod as if i am brave), and i’m not so easily embarrassed by myself any more, which is the first blush of boomer ruin, so i was thinking i could write about what i think, as i think it, publicly, on the internet. it sounds fucking insane as i type it.

although i loved reading smart adult’s blogs in the early 2000s, it is my firm opinion that nobody should ever post. horrifyingly, some of my smartest friends do it now. if it’s my fate now, as an adult, to debase myself, why not do it up?

i’m tagging everything i post with #longspoon, so i can: a) easily delete it all when i get embarrassed or cancelled; b) (with hubris) tag it all for RSS; c) (hubris fading to trepidation) keep this blog organized if i ever post other types of things.

why “long spoon”?

before i explain this, i want to just say 2 things. 

that i don’t buy “heaven” or “hell” as scenarios. i believe only hell is real, we are all living in it right now, and it’s actually not as bad as you hear (but it still sucks a lot).

that this will not be brief so take a bathroom break now.

ok, that said: the long spoon thing is an allegory/parable/nugget of story-wisdom in many cultures around the world. see this chicago tribune headline:

not the onion.

there isn’t a single parable-form telling of it online that doesn’t reek of clinically uncool self-help language. here’s my version:

basically, imagine a banquet table laid with the most succulent soup-feast imaginable. we’re talking stew, soup dumplings, matzo ball soup, pot pie filling, everything good and hot you can eat with a spoon. but the people seated at this banquet are gaunt and starving. they are unable to eat the soup, because the spoons they’ve been given are too long to reach to their own mouths. 

here you might ask, “why not simply choke up on the spoon handle so it functions as a shorter one?” shut up, and get out of my temple, that’s why! for some reason they cannot do that. neither can they reach the soup with their bare hands, or faces. maybe they get a few bites that way, but it doesn’t really work to nourish them. 

“but why do they have these impractical spoons?” here is the moment where jesus or buddha or lord siddhartha twists his nasty little face into a grinch smile because you’ve asked him just the question he was hoping for. the spoons are not supposed to be used for feeding oneself. they aren’t meant to be used that way. in the 90s, don norman would have passed by and pointed out that the spoon’s long handle is clearly an affordance which telegraphs its purpose*. (nowadays he is either cancelled or explaining that it is actually called a signifier and an affordance is something else, thus justifying his book’s sustained $30 price tag.)

the guests at this banquet are too fucking selfish and hangry to read affordances. they do not understand that they are meant to use their long-handled spoons to feed the person across the table from them, who in turn is meant to feed them. i don’t think anyone is seated at the head or foot of the table. if so, they have extra special long spoon handles which are arched in some manner. this is not a fun banquet.

sometimes, in the parable version, the prophet and the idiot do a drive-by of a similar banquet where everyone’s actually having a great time and eating their fill because they figured out how to use the spoons. obviously that’s meant to be heaven, the one i described above is hell, and bill engvall goes “here’s your sign.”

for our purposes, we’re gonna stay away from that. i don’t think the heavenly version of the banquet exists. it’s more an architectural rendering of how a long-utensil-style banquet could potentially work, given enough budget. 

i am naming these posts after the long spoon because, although i endeavor to pick the long spoon up and carry a precarious sip of soup to the lips of my fellow man, i recognize that in my human condition i am probably too stupid to use it right. i think about this often, and i wish to think about it more deeply, so i will write to pursue that wish. 

[alsjeblieft-zeg]

424 of 2022

I love the car I drive. I can touch more than one wall from where I’m sitting. I’m multi-tasking while doing this. I think it’s rude when people don’t hold the door open for others. I tend to be attracted to guys with more brawn than brains. ^I’m trying to work on that. I was never bullied in high school. I need to start making some major changes in my life. I really hate it when I’m in the mood to take a survey but I can’t find any good ones. I have a bad habit of picking at my scabs. I have an itch right now that’s annoying me. I lost my virginity at a young age. I’ve already had my birthday this year. I’ve given someone a bloody nose before. ^It was while sparring. I can admit that I can be shallow at times. I have a cat that would rather play with bugs than kill them. I’m straight, but I can appreciate a good looking girl. (o yes, I forgot who these surveys are aimed for) I don’t like when people keep their Christmas lights up all year long. My first cell phone was a flip phone. Lollipops are one of my least favorite forms of candy. I absolutely love onions, but I don’t love the aftertaste they leave. I love Lifetime movies. I hate when I read a survey question wrong and give an answer that doesn’t make any sense. My high school was seriously lacking in the ethnic diversity department. I’ve never gotten a professional massage but I would like to get one. I’m not afraid of bugs unless they try to crawl on me. Fruit makes my mouth itchy. I won’t chase after people who choose to leave my life. Mechanical pencils > regular pencils. I don’t wear heels very often. I’m not home alone right now. I love getting my nails done even though that hasn’t happened in awhile. Stuffed crust pizza is the best. I use my digital camera everyday (no, not for selfies; it’s stupid) I admit that I am a camera whore, but that doesn’t mean I love the way I look I recently ate an apple I have horrible skin right now I have many self help books Reading, wtf? I’m taking anti-depressants I have heard of the band Type O Negative I only have 1 xanga My mother is a bitch (rather used to be) I rarely go to the movies Jockers are a big pain the ASS I have been a really bad girlfriend in the past If I could, I would eat spaghetti daily I’m health conscious I’m a great speller Most of my friends suck Skinniness annoys me to hell, what is the big deal? I’m fat and I like it - deal with it My favourite animal is a Lion My mobile phone is so old I have strict parents My hair is in bad condition I have mugs/cups in my bedroom The bin needs emptying I know most of the people in my friends list on myspace I am big-time self conscious I’m too shy to get a job I’m a vegetarian and I rarely eat fruit or vegetables I think fish are scary Die, conformity! Marilyn Manson is so overrated I appreciate good art when I see it I have a mouth ulcer (had recently) I hate anime My mother does everything for me I refuse to do my own laundry I don’t iron my clothes I hate shopping I’m a sell out I haven’t seen a survey xanga like DarkestStar_Surveys before They make great surveys I listen to Goth metal My Chemical Romance are shitty I am currently attempting to write my own novel I have read Wuthering Heights The sun is shining I dig fudge I want to go to England WTF I despise internet slang with every fibre of my being Baked beans are yum I desperately want a baby with my boyfriend I loved the movie ‘Thirteen’ What was all the fuss about? Emo haircuts… hahahah. I adore long, deep, slow, sensual kissing Kelly Clarkson can’t sing live I knew somebody who was murdered I eat a lot of kit kats My dog got hit by a car I once had a hamster I love all things fantasy I wish sometimes I was a faerie All these repetitive surveys drive me nuts I’m a dedicated christian I respect religion but I don’t follow anything I’m pro-life I’m pro-choice My parents only let me online at certain times I don’t have a TV in my room I’m poor My family own more than two cars I’ve been beaten up before Why are teenage girls so bitchy? When I get nervous I stammer Napoleon Dynamite is one of the funniest movies ever I personally don’t believe Jesus ever existed I often take naps in the late afternoon I love musicals I love sex Hilary Duff has gotten too skinny I live on a main road I like to take walks in meadows in the summer I’m scared of horses I’m squeamish I used to own a Sega mega drive I have sent someone hate email before I admit I’m a slob I know someone with bad ear wax I can speak Welsh WHy pPl hAvE tO tYpE lIkE tHiS iS bEyOnD mE I am 18 or over Chat shows are so cheesy I watch British TV Shows I have never heard of the famous British ‘fish and chips’ delicacy (poor you lol) My brother wanted to be a cowboy when he was little Girl power! I always have to get my own way, or I throw a fit I have made fun of someone with ginger/red hair before Harry Potter = Gorgeous! I am Latino I am Japanese, or partly I have a deep voice (for a girl) (lol no, I don’t even have a deep voice for a guy) I find it hard to tell the truth sometimes (about my feelings) I have seen a ghost I think my house is haunted, it makes a lot of odd noises I have a lot of love handles I am taller than 5ft 8 I hate it when people say ‘stfu’ lazy much? Strawberry milk is better than chocolate milk My birthday is in October I prefer the term ‘Autumn’ to ‘Fall’ MSN is so much better than AIM I have my own cat, who is my baby (actually two) I love castles! The Beatles SUCKED Abba, however… they were so cool Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream = I could eat it daily (nope, but I like it) I am often more concerned over the welfare of animals, not humans The biggest bitch at school thinks I’m cool I love Kevin Smith movies I’m in a choir I often think I’m a useless waste of space I had a boyfriend who told me I was ugly I want to be an actress I DON’T support gay marriage, but I’m not homophobic I hate being bored I say ‘ugh’ a lot I drink coke daily I have a really crude sense of humour I sometimes act like a baby around my boyfriend so he thinks I’m cute I love sheep. Baaaa. I have an electronic thesaurus RAWR I’m too lazy to tidy my room The curtains are still closed I spit (usually, but on rare occasions…) I swallow I am diabetic I dislike the Simpsons I’m a fool and everyone knows it I have often thought about writing a book about dreams I’ve had I love going to the zoo My handwriting gets complimented a lot I have heard of Oxfordshire in England (lol is it a real statement??) I knew that it was where Tolkien wrote LOTR and is buried I also knew that Lewis Carroll wrote Alice of Wonderland there And… C.S. Lewis wrote Narnia I drink tea with two sugars I have a personalised calendar This bolding survey is so long But it’s great I wear jean shorts Whenever I go to the beach I always seem to get sand everywhere (but I don’t mind it) I wish I had super long hair, but it just won’t grow! I wish my hair wasn’t so straight I have an underactive thyroid I don’t even know what a thyroid is I need a job (I need to come back) I’m not going to go to college (beauty school h0lla at ur girl) I don’t know what a synopsis is The elderly scare me I will happily go out of my way to help someone I don’t wear deodorant everyday I like most things mythical I rarely get comments on myspace ((facebook)) (I don’t use either) I’m at the top of my English class Aa’ menle nauva calen ar’ ta hwesta e’ ale’quenle I don’t know what language that is I often trip over my own feet *wrinkles nose* I complain a lot and people are sick of it I love Doritos I was born before 1990 (no exactly in 1990) I used to watch Are you afraid of the dark Which scares me even now It’s my life, I’ll do what I want I’m a rebel I’ve had sex with more than two people (no exactly two) I like to get drunk (sometimes) Why don’t people ever listen to me? I hate being ignored My brother nearly died once I walk around my home barefoot a lot (in summer) I read poetry I write poetry I know how to make icons Anna Faris is weird Life is killing me I have an empty coke bottle in my bedroom I have a swing seat in the garden The biggest mistake anybody can make is bleaching their hair YELLOW I was sick a few days ago