#the one creating and enforcing the normal society in the first place i guess?

[marxism-lenninism-schwabism]

God it's genuinely incredible the sheer degree to which Pact is OC-bait

Given that it was written right after Worm- guessing the whole "supernatural powers which fundamentally stem from the character of the wielder" thing was still on his mind

[creativepromptsforwriting]

Hello! Do you have some advice on how to create and write a cult?

Hi!

I’m really interested in cults and their behaviour and structure, so I actually had a problem to not go overboard here. I will start with a short overview of the basics and then go into more detail. I hope you like it!

How to create and write a cult

The Leader

common characteristics: charismatic, manipulative, controlling

followers follow them without questioning them

they are often seen as a prophet or human idol or image of the diety the cult believe in

they speak with the authority of a god

make sure to give them some uniqueness, maybe an air of otherworldliness to make them more godlike so they stand out

give reasons for why they want a following, what do they get out of it?

give reasons for why people would follow and be loyal to them

The Followers

often disenchanted from society and their own beliefs

wanting something new, a new start

single people, living on their own

often without close ties to family or friends

remember that everyone, no matter their intelligence and their confidence can become entangled in a cult

some are just a little bit easier to prey on

The Cult

often strict hierarchy

rules, routines and practiced behaviours

love bombing and brainwashing

feeling of superiority

being the good guys in an “us against the world”-scenario

taking everything from the outside away that a new member could rely on

making them solely rely on the cult

if someone does escape they are either pursued, stalked and harrassed or they are being shunned by everyone in the cult

Structure

cults typically have one godlike leader

they do not get questioned, they get imitated and followed

they have a small, but extremely loyal group of followers around them

this core group implements the leader’s rules and controls the rest of the followers

they often have more benefits and liberties than the rest

a normal follower would probably mostly interact with someone from the core group as the person in charge and not the leader themself

depending on the cult, the other followers can be separated and put into smaller households

this can break up pre-existing units and helps controlling the members

Examples:

nuclear family

one man and a harem of women and younger children

separated by gender (younger boys with women)

separated by skill

separated by age

separated into “classes”

Beliefs

a religious cult can be independent or a secession from a mainstream religion

if it is completely independent then you need a good reason for why people would follow those beliefs

you probably need to make up rules and practices and lore that goes along with it and legitimizes it

but it can’t only be about rules and maybe hardship, the people need a reason for wanting to follow this

the leaderis often acting like they are the only one who can give these people what they want and need (love, acceptance, saftey, inner peace, etc.)

the leaders are very charismatic and almost perfect citizens from the outside, but more often than not manipulative and controlling

if the cult is based on a mainstream religion you have to take some of the beliefs from that religion and incorporate it

a big difference between a religion and a cult is the blind belief in a diety and the blind belief in a charismatic human

but a cult can also more fundamentalistic part of a religion that was excommunicated from the main church

be careful to show the common beliefs, but also show the major differences as not to insult readers from the main religion

Acquisition of followers

cults like to target people that are unhappy with their current life and often people without a lot of confidence

it’s easier if the person doesn’t have family or firends that they are close with

cult members can be anywhere to recrut new members, but they are often found in places of mainstream religions or within support groups to prey on already vulnerable people

love bombing - a manipulative strategy in which the cult bombards the target with so much love, acceptance, understanding and happy, positive vibes that they feel like no one will ever love them like this

they also try to tell the target that only they love them and can give them what they need and that everyone else is not wanting the best for them, only they do

they try to isolate them from their friends and family

but plot twist - as soon as this tactic is successful and the person joined the cult, they take away that love, which maked the target feel more alone than ever and desperate to get that love back

in some cases where they literally take that person from their life and bring them into theirs, this could also include drugging and excessive praying or reciting that puts them in a trance, this can go on for days

they will continue to try to isolate them from their old lifes and give them new families by putting them into groups or households

this way, even if they want to leave, they feel like they have no one waiting for them outside

they also have to fear being shunned from their new friends and family if they go against the rules

Behaviour

“Us vs. Them” mentality, making the outside world out to be a purely evil place and they are the only safe haven

secrecy, about their rituals, sometimes beliefs, but definitely about the ways people are kept in the cult

often not showing new members a lot of what they truly believe in and how they go about those beliefs until the member is isolated and already too deep inside the cult

identifying marks, like tattoos or brand marks and specific clothes to show unity

emotional, physical and sexual abuse can often be found in cults, sometimes even systematically implemented like a ritual

children are married young and only to other members

having lots of children is encouraged to grow the cult, but also to trap the parents inside the cult, because leaving with children is even more difficult

often rejection of law enforcement and political establishment, not following state laws, but following their own rules

everyone else gets blames but them and outside intervention to save the people can even strengthen the cult against the outside

snitching is encouraged, members tell on each other at the first sign of independent thinking and second guessing the leader

punishments are mostly being given by the core group around the leader and are often made out to be a punishment from the diety they believe in

sometimes there is a loyalty test members (reguarly) have to pass to show that they still follow not matter what

Get more information

this format is not ideal to go into so much detail, so you have to do more research

read books or articles on the internet about psychology, what kind of people are more susceptible to being victims and what makes a person a cult leader

check out actual cults and look how they do their thing (or did, take Jonestown for example)

you can also check out witness accounts of people that were able to escape cults (there are quite a few on YouTube)

check out different kinds of cults

I went with religious here, but there are also cults based on other ideology, political cults, doomsday cults, etc. 

This took so long, so have fun and good luck! :)

- Jana

[thatyanderecritic]

i really like the yandere dynamic but i dont openly post or reblog about it anymore cuz i've had people give me a hard time over it being problematic. and i get told im terrible, get called a freak... idk. do you have any advice for dealing with this...?

Hey anon, sorry for not getting to you sooner. We have a lot of questioned queued up to be answered but I decided to put you first since this is a pretty big issue. 

To be a yandere fan, we’re in a rather precarious position. Like any fandom, we are plagued with bad apples that end up painting the community’s face as a whole. You know the type of bad apples that all fandoms have: the overzealous stans that either attack those outside the community for not sharing a view or catering to our fandom. We also suffer from infighting/bullying between yandere fans because not everyone shares the same views on what a yandere is or even for something as stupid as a yandere headcanon for a character that never was a yandere, to begin with. But unlike most fandoms, the works that we support tend to go against us at times. That is to say... since we’re a bit of an under “funded” (e.g. don’t have enough yandere media. Especially for male yanderes) fandom, people tend to quickly put CrAzY characters on a pedestal without question. And this hurts our credibility, ALOT.  Having group within the fandom worshipping some non-yandere, psychotic girl as a yandere just because she’s kawaii while the more “sane” fans try to explain, “No, we swear yandere’s aren’t like that” doesn’t look good for our case. 

Is there anything we can do about people attacking us for our preference? Not exactly, I’m sorry to say. The moment humans gained self-awareness and free will, universal mental unity became a myth. There will always be a disconnect, even on concepts that all humans should be in agreement on. Would you believe me if I say that some people don’t believe that people should be allowed to have a livable wage? Of course, people will have their reasons as to why they think a certain way regardless if it sounds logical or not. Just because they have a reason doesn’t mean it’s reasonable but in a world where emotions is king, logical will never win.

People who attack you for liking yanderes most likely were victims of abuse and went through some sort of trauma that yanderes are usually identified/linked with. If they weren’t direct victims then they know someone who is a victim. And if it isn’t either of these two, then they’re most likely a bleeding heart with a “higher than thou” sense of morality. Regardless of the reasoning, they all have their hearts in the right places but rigid in their perspective of the world. Already, the decision is cemented and may never change. To most, we’re as egregious as pedophiles and incest-lovers just because we like villains. After all: “How in the world could anyone remotely ‘like’ such awful people?! Clearly, there is something wrong with THEM.” Of course, we have our reasons for liking yanderes but most people close their ears and eyes since they already judged us based on our interest. For those who were victims of abuse or know someone, I understand that they’re reaching out to attack those who seem to defend characters that may or may not be similar to their assailant/abuser. They attack, they defend invisible victims, and in a way, looking for purpose... looking at how they can turn their trauma into a positive. But most of the time, they overstep their boundaries and try to enforce their authority in something they don’t understand. 

The only way we can approach these types of people is to send an open invitation for a diplomatic talk in trying to reach a middle ground. While a change of opinion would be nice, it would be nearly impossible since a lot of people are grounded in their personal moral compass. If they are open for a conversation, then all hope is not lost. Ideally, if a conversation is open then the most important thing is to validate their emotions invested in this situation. 9 out of time 10, people are stubborn in an argument because they feel like they’re getting personally targeted either by their identity, their pride, or their emotions. Therefore, they double down and become louder in their argument, not because of their view but because they believe they are defending themselves. From there, once the other recognize that you aren’t attacking them, you shift the conversation onto yourself and point out how they were making you feel the same away but they were actively attacking you; not only that, treating you as less than human just because you prefer villainous FICTIONAL characters. Ideally, at this point, the other recognizes their hypocrisy and you both agree in staying in your own lanes. If by some miracle they’re open of a different perspective, then you’re given a platform to say why you like yanderes... typical reasons being the idea of unconditional love or coping. 

But this is all hypothetical and the most desirable outcome. But more than often, people are more than comfortable at screaming at you every time you try to open your mouth... most likely something they learned because someone shut them down in such a way. Not only that, they most likely formed their own counter-arguments already since a lot of yandere fans have the same reasons as to why they like yanderes: unconditional love or coping. The counter-argument can usually be boiled down to two reasons: unethical and risking future victims seeking a “yandere” partner. Ethicality... this is a low hanging fruit to argue. Everyone (well the majority of people, again it’s universally impossible to be on the same page) would agree that it’s bad to stalk a person. Even a yandere fan would say never to stalk a person IRL. But because of this, they think they got you in an “ethical checkmate”. It’s a cheap argument and they’re just trying to make you feel like a monster for your preferences in fictional characters. Funny enough, this is a tactic that abusers would use to shame their victim into compliance... hm...

The second counter-argument people use is “think of the youths!” Let’s be real... it’s scientifically proven that kids and teens are easily impressionable because of their underdeveloped brains and lack of experience. Not only the concerns of the younger members of society, they fear that by allowing us to enjoy our media, we are “normalizing” abusive relationships in society. Considering the state of the United State’s government, I understand where the fear is coming from. But they’re barking up the wrong tree and especially using the wrong method in preventing this dystopian future. I always see these people bring up the ‘Jaws’ case as to why there should be no yanderes and no support for them. You know, the case where there was a sudden increase in shark hunting due to public fear which pushed certain shark species into endangerment. It’s always this argument, I swear... anyways, they always toss this without never diving in deeper as to why this happened. 

Before Jaws, people didn’t know anything about sharks in general. There just wasn’t any interest in sharks because we humans just didn’t find time interesting at the time. They were there and we can’t really eat sharks. But, there were already tales about sharks being “man-eaters” from those stranded out at sea or curious citizens. The stereotype was already there. But Jaws brought sharks to the forefront of public scrutiny and shark hunting competitions came up because “what’s the harm? Sharks are man-eaters”. This dropped the shark population, but because of this there was an interest in sharks, funding to research them suddenly increased. Scientist turned their attention on sharks while later on fed to informing the public, making them educated and less scared of shark attacks. Jaws came out in 1975... Shark Week on the discovery channel came out in 1988... there’s a reason, folks. People became interested in sharks. Yes, Jaws hurt the shark population but it’s slowly been going up. Damage takes time to repair. But it also brought about awareness. While the stereotype isn’t dead (that’s just humans at this point and it’s always been a stereotype ever since man was on a boat), it opened a conversation. And that’s the key point here. (Here’s a link. But you can go even further if you research)

Abusive relationships, manipulative people, toxic actions... these are nothing new. “Getting rid” of yandere fans will not solve this issue, just like telling your kid “there are kids starving in Africa” will not end world hunger. For the Jaws example, I point to the argument that politicians make about how video games create violent people. We know that it’s nonsense, you know it’s nonsense. But there is a fear of the “unknown”. People back then thought that cartoons like Tom and Jerry would cause kids to grow up violent. And even further back, people thought that reading books created lazy people. The fear on what’s on TV is a fear people had since the beginning of time. People aren’t as soft as they believe they are but they can lack information... Instead of shutting down people and censor what goes on TV, use it as a stepping stone for the bigger conversation. It’s a lack of knowledge and fear of the unknown that killed the sharks but it is knowledge that is now protecting them. 

This is especially important for our younger peers. Raise of hands, who actually changed their minds as a teenager after someone called you stupid or told you “no” with giving a logical reason besides “because I say so.” I’m going to guess we got an empty room here. Attacking our younger peers or those who are older just because they like a character trope IS NOT HELPING THEM AND ESPECIALLY NOT MAKING THE ATTACKERS LOOK LIKE HEROES. THEY LOOK LIKE JACKASSES. Fuck man, the younger ones want acceptance and looking a supportive group by joining a fandom. Calling them toxic just pushes them to the edge these people never wanted them to be. The same applying to the older ones. We all got our issues and y’all never know what it is. That’s why I hate seeing people in our fandom gatekeep against our younger peers. They’re going to come in even though you say crap like “Lmaooo, my blog/game is 18+! Okay, byeeeee!” If you want to protect them then be their fucking guide, my dudes. You can have a mature conversation with them and explain the difference between fiction and reality and what’s wrong and right. “Yanderes are pretty cool, ay sport? But notice how that guy gaslighted the girl? That is a common tactic people do IRL. Be sure to recognize it as a red flag.” Fuck, is that so fucking hard for everyone? Some people act like they never grew on the internet during the early 2000s.Y’all were a teenager once. If what you’re doing wouldn’t help teenage you in the past, then you’re doing it wrong. Smh. 

Finally, I do want to make a point for those who use coping reasons. While I do understand where you’re coming from, you guys are our most vulnerable to these attacks but also the reason for the attacks as well. It’s the mindset of “How could you support something like this?! You must be a horrible person.” I know a lot of people aren’t like that but also, we got bad apples... people who take this for coping reasons way too far. To them, I ask them to come back from the edge and let’s look for help together. Using yanderes to embrace “yandere tendencies” or rationalizing your abuse as normal isn’t the way. Use it to help you breathe and help you feel grounded but don’t let it define you... especially don’t make it a lifeline. As for those who know the difference and can separate fiction from reality, I applaud you but you got some work in helping those who are too deep. I’ve seen some of the yandere Tumblr group chats on the app. I’ll be real... YIKES. It’s a bit of an echo chamber. I ended up having to message a user on a side since I saw red flags in the group chat when I was lurking. People were trying to give the wrong help by encouraging their actions. Just... don’t do this y’all. I get you relate but don’t get your homie in jail or a court date for a restraining order. 

Anyways, I’m sorry anon for pulling farther and farther away from you specifically since this is a big issue that everyone tackles and I’m also sorry that I can’t give you an “end all” answer. First, you can try having a civil conversation with these people. Try for the middle ground and if you feel like you can push further, then try to do a change of mind. But I know this is hard, especially when tensions build and emotions get heated. But it’s important to never explode that anger... or at least direct that anger into a logical response. The moment you explode and made an error of judgment, you will lose and suffer publically. If a conversation isn’t possible, then encourage these people to stay in their lane and unfollow you. Why the fuck are they following you if they hate the things you reblog? Sounds unhealthy... suggest some hobbies or blogs to follow instead. From there, if they try to continue the hate, just block them and delete the messages. As they say, don’t feed the trolls. Y’all may think you’ve seen all the hate anons we get but we get a lot more than what we answer. We just delete them because they’re typically incoherent or stupid. They don’t come back lol. 

From there, anon, surround yourself with people who you find agreeable and who you relate to. A lot of yandere blogs are down for a talk, I’ll be real. Just be sure you open up that you want to be friends lol. So... yeah. I’m sorry this isn’t perfect, but I hope it helps. Don’t be afraid of being yourself!

[kinetic-elaboration]

July 30: 1x08 Miri

Today’s TOS episode: Miri. This was one of the first eps I ever saw. It’s definitely a classic but upon rewatching, I am left with many questions. (And given current events, much unease....)

Another Earth! What!!! How strange! I’m sure everyone actually recognized it by just looking out the window, but I like the implication that they recognized Earth’s measurements when Spock listed them off.

Uhura and Sulu have the day off I see.

They seem to be landing somewhere in Western Canada?

McCoy’s hatred for 60s architecture lol.

How convenient that it looks like 1960s Earth.

Spock’s reaction to the tricycle is so hilarious to me. “What do I do with this... this TOY??” And McCoy is so careful with it, so gentle.

Don’t even say the word ‘plague’ around me.

Kirk legit doesn’t know how to interact with people without being charming. Like I’m sure he doesn’t approach Miri intending to flirt with her; she’s a child. But his aura is just so naturally flirty, that’s how it comes off. (And then of course when he sees it can be used tactically, he turns it up.) This is where the womanizer trope comes from but imo it is quite obviously just How He Is, and I really think he thinks it’s just like Platonic Charm.

Spock hearing the taunting children: has flashbacks to Vulcan

Oh those scurrying children.

“That’s a bad place.” Mm, underrated line. Of course the children would see the epicenter of the plague as cursed.

Jim enforces social distancing rules by not letting anyone else leave the ship.

I love seeing snarky Spock.

Life prolongation... honestly forgot that’s the background of this ep lol. That’s so disturbing.

Calling McCoy old lol Excuse YOU.

“She likes you, Jim.” And Kirk just being oblivious.

Spock trying to figure out where babies come from.

Jim, flirting with an older woman lol.

Spock really hates Yeoman Rand huh? His jealousy is so obvious; tone it down, Sir. “Almost 300 years older than you, Yeoman. Think about it.”

Those little tasks Jim gives Miri oml. She’s so heart eyed over him, but it’s so... like she’s looking for a father, too. That’s the other thing he’s playing off.

“And I do want to go back to the ship, Captain.” I have seen this scene so many times and I STILL don’t get how this exchange can seem so sexual? There is literally nothing in these words that requires the amount of flirt-voice and long, intense stares they’re giving here. Both of them, but Spock starts it, and I’m just like??? You don’t need to be this way but you are.

Wow, who would have ever thought creating a chain reaction of viruses would go so badly!

“Is that all Captain? We do have five days, you know.”

Come on guys, never leave your cell phones sitting out unattended! Amateur hour here.

They certainly had a ton of food on this planet, if they’re only now running out after 300 years!

Janice, taking the short cut to getting Kirk to look at her legs. By just telling him to look at her legs.

His attempt at comforting her lol--pat pat pat.

Spock brings out the first name again. “Jim.”

It could be a beaker full of death!

Everything about this virus story is so much scarier now.

“You’re being a very bad citizen.” I’m so curious what this society was like when it was... an actual society. They keep playing make believe games, like kids do when they practice becoming adults, but what were the adults like?

NO BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Those uniform shirts sure do tear easily.

Good Spones content here. Headcanon that Spock was communicating telepathically with McCoy and that’s why he’s holding his hands for so long. He’s just so careful, how he arranges them, and then he just holds them.

“I never will understand the medical mind.”

They’ll have to send truant officers lol.

Jim’s such a liar--you know he’s definitely gotten involved with older women.

Also the way he diffuses any awkward moment with Rand and then starts talking to Spock again. “Older women, no; older men, older aliens... I’m open to it.”

So I have a lot of questions now.

First, what happened to the rest of the planet? It’s the same size as Earth and with Earth-like conditions so one assumes it could support an Earth-sized population. Did everyone, adults and children, die everywhere else but this one city? Did the virus not travel world wide, and the rest of the planet is fine? (In which case...they’re just not gonna help out at all, I guess? Was Miri’s town quarantined? Did everyone just choose to pretend they don’t exist?) Are there other enclaves of children, without adults, all over the place? And in 300 years, they haven’t found each other at all? Did the other locations die out completely for lack of resources, like food?

And if so, (or even if not) why does Miri’s town have so much food? Mom suggested that the scientists there were doing other genetic modification projects, and that’s how they ended up with so much food that doesn’t spoil, and that this led them into other experiments manipulating life span, growth, etc. This would explain why the Enterprise just happens to beam down to the origin point of the virus, too. Only the epicenter survived, because of other experiments conducted by the same people.

On a related note to the worldwide spread question--their technology is really weird. Everything’s basically 1960s--the microscope, the lack of computers, or phones, the handwritten files--but they have a very good radio, still sending an automated sos after 300 years, plus of course the virus experiments themselves. So what’s their travel tech like? Even if it’s on par with the 60s though, global travel was fairly easy then, just like now (uh airplanes) and this virus is obviously VERY contagious. I think we understand pretty well how fast contagious viruses can get literally everywhere. I can’t believe this one didn’t spread to other parts of the globe.

On a related note to the food experiments, perhaps they were inspired to experiment with prolonging life because they were doing so well--if not on a global scale, at least a community scale. They had all this food, they weren’t fighting scarcity... why not live longer and enjoy that longer?

My next question is if the children will age normally now that they’ve been given the cure. My mom pointed out that in fact, we don’t know what there old life span was, even.

I kind of wish they hadn’t made this an alternate Earth situation because I don’t really see how that adds to the story. It sets you up to think you’ll be hearing about how an alternate Earth exists but you never do. It seems to be included as an excuse to use the Mayberry sets and avoid coming up with alien technology and costumes and such. But it brings up so many other questions that are unanswered, including but not limited to, how human are these aliens?

My mom also pointed out that ‘alternate Earth’ allows McCoy to use the old notes to create the cure, which then works on both the humans and, it’s implied, Miri and her people. But that seems like a big assumption!

Another thing about this ep is the vocabulary. Like first that was not a vaccine, it’s a cure--there still is no vaccine and that disease is still out there. They also mention that Miri and the older kids are “contracting” the disease at puberty--they’re not. I think they’ve had it the whole time and it only becomes active at puberty. Either that, or the virus has a SUPER long lifespan on surfaces, such that it’s still out there and transmittable after 300 years.

Also, I don't think it's weird that Miri didn't realize she'd get it and die. If the scientists were successful, she's literally only aged 3 months in all the time since the grownups died. She's been her current age for so much longer than any previous age, she's basically been--idk like 14??--her whole life. She doesn't perceive aging as a thing. None of them do. It's actually more surprising to me that so many of them are on the cusp of getting the disease and that McCoy is able to calculate so specifically when she's likely to die.

Anyway, that is a lot! Dagger of the Mind is next, which I like... decently remember?

[3aris]

“nothing will work unless you do” - Maya Angelou

BLACK LIVES MATTER

WE KNOW ALL LIVES MATTER

BUT RIGHT NOW BLACK LIVES ARE THE ONES IN DANGER!

RACISM:

a complex system of beliefs and institutions that elevates whites at the expense of non-whites.

we all exist in and benefit from this system, whether we notice it or not.

WHITE PEOPLE CANNOT EXPERIENCE RACISM!

- discrimination is not racism

- our society prioritizes and caters to the experiences and benefits of white people. 

- white people hold the power in society. the ones in power cannot be the victims

* IT’S A PRIVILEGE TO EDUCATE YOURSELF ON RACISM INSTEAD OF EXPERIENCING IT *

HOW THE F*CK DOES RACISM STILL EXIST? [@cicelyblaincolsulting]

1. Racism Is Upheld By:

- Systems (media, education, law, healthcare...)

- History (our society is informed by centuries-old habit, biases, & disparities)

- Privilege (difficult to notice, address, and sacrifice. as long as one group benefits from the oppression of another, racism will still exist)

- Micro-Aggressions (everyday slights, comments, & actions uphold racist power structures)

2.The Formation Of Anti-Blackness

- Capitalism (Black bodies have been used as the means of production (worker labor, tools, machinery) to create wealth for Europeans.)

- Slavery (Black people were stripped of autonomy, citizenship, rights, and treated as objects for over 300 years)

- Colonialism (the land we occupy was stolen from indigineous peoples and continues to be pillaged for raw material, natural resources, and human capital for white gain first and foremost.

3. EVEN THE SMALLEST ACTS OF RACISM UPHOLD DOMINANT POWER STRUCTURES

4. Racism Is An Iceberg

- Tip / Visible Part (KKK, neo-nazis, police brutality, racial slurs, hate crimes)

- Majority / Hidden Part (all lives matter, your English is so good, you’re so pretty for a Black girl, what about Black on Black crime, can I touch your hair, where are you really from?)

ANTI-RACISM:

the active process of identifying and eliminating racism by changing systems, policies, practices, and attitudes in order to redistribute and share power. [NAC International Perspectives: Women and Global Solidarity]

WHITE PRIVILEGE:

white privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard, it means that the color of your skin isn’t one of the things making it harder

WHAT’S WRONG WITH POLICE [@leftnortheast]

1. Origins of Police in America

- slave patrols of armed white men to enforce slavery & chase down runaway slaves

- after slavery, these same patrols continued to enforce segregation & reinforce violence against Black ppl perpetrated by the KKK

- during the 19th century, the ultra-rich business owners relied on police to stop workers and immigrants from organizing labor unions

- LA’s “thin blue line” enforced segregation in the 1950s. look up “Black Wall Street”

- HISTORICALLY THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE POLICE IS TO PROTECT WEALTH & ASSETS BY PRESERVING INSTITUTIONAL RACISM

2. Police Today

- when police commit crimes, the investigations are performed by the police themselves (union officials & internal affairs departments)

- only 33% of investigations end in police being convicted, compared to 68% in general pop.

- at least 40% of police families have experienced domestic violence, compared to 10% in the general population

3. ACAB: What It Means

- all cops are bastards

- it does NOT mean that individual cops are incapable of doing good things, but that the institution of policing is harmful and beyond saving

- the laws that “good” cops enforce work to uphold a harmful status quo that keeps working class and POC socially disadvantaged. therefore, there are no “good” cops

- EX: the three other officers who stood and watched Derek Chauvin kill George Floyd. they may be “good” because they didn’t kill Floyd, but they did nothing to prevent Chauvin from doing so.

THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF CALLING THE COPS [@freedomtothrive]

1. Don’t Feel Obligated To Defend Property

- is someone being actively hurt or endangered by property “theft” or damage?

- if “no,” let it be

2. If Something Of Yours Is Stolen...

- consider going to the police station instead of bringing cops into your community, you may be inadvertently putting someone art risk by calling the cops

3. If You See Someone Exhibiting “Odd” Behavior...

- don’t assume they are intoxicated

- ask if they are ok, if they have a medical condition, and if they need help

4. If You See Someone Pulled Over With Car Trouble...

- stop & ask if they need help or if you can call a tow truck for them

- calling police may result in unnecessary ticketing, target undocumented ppl, etc.

5. Keep A Contact List Of Community Resources

- EX: suicide hotlines, mental health assistance, etc.

- ppl with mental illnesses are 16x more likely to be killed by police

6. Check Your Impulse To Call The Police On “Suspicious” People

- is their race, gender, ethnicity, class, or housing situation influencing your action?

- calling the cops on such people can be death sentences (EX: Trayvon Martin)

HOW WILL WE STAY SAFE WITHOUT POLICE? [@mpd_150] [@wretched_flowers_]

1. Community Members

- mental health service providers, social workers, victim/survivor advocates, religious leaders, neighbors & friends need to look out for one another

- not armed strangers with guns who likely don’t live in the communities they patrol (police)

- society expects police to do too much: violent crimes, traffic stops, chasing loose dogs, etc.

2. What About Violence?

- crime isn’t random, it happens because ppl are unable to meet their needs  EX: money, food, rent, etc.

- this problem can be solved with an emphasis on jobs, education, community centers, mental health resources.

- cops don’t prevent violence, they invite it through constant violent disruption of our communities

3. It’s Not Impossible

- look at the abolition of slavery, the 40hr work week, etc. those were accomplished through gradual progress

- redirect funds away from the police department toward those community-based alternatives listed above. LOOK UP HOW MUCH YOUR CITY / STATE SPENDS ON POLICING.

14 WAYS WHITE PPL CAN MAKE LIFE LESS FRUSTRATING FOR p.o.c. [@privtoprog]

1. trust / listen to POC assessment of a situation

2. don’t assume all POC have same views

3. don’t guess / assume ppl’s race

4. read & share articles relating to daily POC experiences

5. just because you have a POC friend / relative / partner doesn’t mean you can’t be racist. if anything, it means you should be more critical of your actions / words & how they affect those around you

6. don’t play devil’s advocate on race conversations. JUST. LISTEN.

7. understand that America has what it has because it stole land from indigenous people and stole people from Africa to build America

8. care about race on the other 364 days that aren’t MLK Day

9. don’t assume you know what it’s like to experience racism. you don’t & can’t. that’s the point.

10. nothing in your life has been untouched by your whiteness. everything you have would have been harder to come by if you had not been born white.

11. don’t get defensive when someone calls you out on racism, be grateful. it’s a learning moment.

12. move past white guilt. guilt it’s unproductive. just BE BETTER.

13. fighting racism isn’t about you. it’s about liberating POC from a racist world / system.

14. being an ALLY is a verb, not a noun. you can’t be an ally just because you say you are. actions are louder than words.

WHAT WHITE PPL CAN DO OVER TIME [@prettydecent]

1. Research & Learn In Public

- identify, name, & challenge the norms, patterns, traditions, structures,and institutions that keep racism & white supremacy in place

- TALK TO & EDUCATE OTHER WHITE PEOPLE. it’s YOUR job, not POC, to teach white ppl how to fight racism

- let people you care about know this is something you care about

2. Open Your Eyes To Anti-Blackness

- there are no race-neutral spaces, “colorblindness” does not exist.

- Anti-Blackness is the way in which Black ppl have been targeted & stripped of their humanity

- pay attention to CODED LANGUAGE. what do we mean by “good” neighborhoods & “good” schools?

- who starts trends? who gets credit for them? EX: rock & roll

3. Pay Attention To Your White Experience

- we will never full understand Black ppl’s experiences

- look at how your whiteness has impacted your life: encounters with police, airport security? job interviews?

- what are you “good at” and how might your race have affected that?

- white experiences are the social “default,” EX: “Is The Country Ready For Its First White President?”

4. Speak Up & Argue With White People

- silence is a privilege & acts in directly upholding the system of white supremacy

- look at how movies, TV, and other media treats Black and POC, and call it out when you see it.

- hold other white ppl accountable, THERE IS NO GROWTH WITHOUT DISCOMFORT. we make mistakes but that does not mean we can’t learn & grow from them.

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR FAMILY ABOUT RACISM [@jenerous]

1. Intent & Impact

- white ppl say that we don’t INTEND to be racist.

- intent doesn’t matter if the IMPACT of our actions harms someone and/or upholds a racist system

2. Watch Your Tone

- we don’t get to tell Black ppl how to talk about their own oppression (“tone policing”)

- when we talk to other white ppl about race, we need to speak in a way that best conveys the information, feelings aside

3. Tell Stories Of Your Own Privilege

- tell your family members a specific way your white privilege has protected you

- this is also a great opportunity for you to reflect on & better understand your own privilege

- WE LEARN BY TEACHING

4. Share Some Of Your Own F*ck Ups

- admitting you’ve been wrong before helps normalize personal growth

- makes it easier for your family to reflect on their own failures & move on

- vulnerability is strength

5. Make It Okay To Ask Questions

- ask your family if they have questions about racism

- this may bring up stuff you don’t know either, a great opportunity to learn together!

6. Keep Asking “Why Do You Think That Is?”

- find a race-related statistic that you both agree on (EX: “Black ppl are jailed for weed more than white ppl are”)

- ask your family member why they think that statistic is true until there’s no answer that makes sense besides “racism”

7. Plant A Seed Of Doubt

- unlearning a racist system means flipping everything we know on its head.

- that requires small steps, such as getting your family members to question their existing logic around ONE topic (Black hair, cultural appropriation, affirmative action, etc.)

- when they say “hmm... i never thought about that,” you’re making progress!

8. Commit To The Idea That It Is Possible To Change Someone’s Mind

- your own anti-racism journey is proof!

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF [@is_siigii]

1. Who taught you about race & culture?

2. What can you do to support POC in your community?

3. What are you committed to doing outside of social media to fight racism?

4. How do you behave when you are confronted with racist behavior?

5. What do you want to learn more about?

6. What information could you teach people?

7. In what ways have you ignored this behavior in the past?

8. Why is it important for everyone to work toward ending this injustice?

9. How can you use anti-racist knowledge to change & progress?

10. Do you owe anyone an apology?

11. How do you handle conflicts?

[fuelcut]

A thought experiment on Silicon Valley’s third era

[ read the tweetstorm if you’re in a rush] 

June 19th marks the end of American slavery, July 4th American Independence and July 14th the storming of the Bastille. It’s also my 40th birthday, and I’m exploring what we can learn from the past to help navigate today’s struggles for racial justice and economic freedom. 

1940-1980: “Atoms” and the military-industrial-labor complex

My dad arrived in the Bay Area in 1970-1971 to get his PhD at Berkeley - just as the area was being rebranded as Silicon Valley.  

Free from the stifling hierarchy of the East, the Bay was America’s center for social, technical and institutional change. Black Panthers policed the police in Oakland, shiny BART trains crossed the Bay to SF where the Gay Rights movement was flourishing. My family tree waited a millennia for India to recognize intercaste marriage. My parents would see radical social change in America across every axis in a single generation. Bold leadership in the 60s expanded civil rights and embraced immigration. They (and I) benefited greatly from an economic and social foundation that had been laid over many decades. 

Caterpillar Tractor - founded in the Bay Area - embodied the spirit of this era. It went from liberating France in WW2 to building a massive middle class, unionized labor force. Cat later moved its headquarters to Peoria, Illinois - because in this era, cities across the country - not just the coasts - had the ability to compete. Since WW2, America pursued an intentional strategy of geographically broad-based economic development - via highways, airline regulation and distributed national labs.  

Caterpillar didn’t just give Peoria a chance, it also gave my dad a chance to put down roots in America by sponsoring his green card. There was no H1B limbo. The nexus of military, industry and labor unions brought immigrants, Women and Blacks into the workforce - with paid apprenticeships (not exorbitant higher education) and technically-focused community colleges paving the way for millions. My mom learned COBOL while her toddlers played in the back of class. Even Hunter’s Point in SF was vibrant during much of this period.  (Of course, it was far from a halcyon era - the war machine had massive human cost globally and civil rights were far from evenly enforced in America.)

And while atoms reigned supreme during this era, the military and government patiently invested risk capital in advanced manufacturing, semiconductors and software/networking to prepare America for its future. 

1980-2020: “Bits” and global capital, jackrocks and polarization

In 1980, Reagan was elected President - and I was born. This would also be the peak of private sector labor employment in the US and the beginning of global capital (and the multinational companies they backed) as the leading force in forging the social contract.

They promised us that countries with McDonald’s would never go to war with each other. Indeed the Berlin Wall fell, Asian laborers got jobs and Americans could buy cheap stuff at WalMart. Global capital (bits) put atoms inside shipping containers and sent them around the world - abstracting consumers from the manufacturing base. 

The writing was on the wall for unions.

As a middle schooler, I saw Cat management and labor (UAW) locked into a multi-year strike over the future. The front line was not in a boardroom or on the picket line. It was neighborhoods, schools and community groups. I remember when a classmate whose dad was in the union talked about how folks in the factory were peeing on effigies of management - including my dad.

Naturally I knew which side I was on. Cat needed wage concessions and freedom to operate to be globally competitive.  I’d read Akio Morita, TPS and Lee Iacocca. I worried about Japan Inc. eating our lunch (yes as a 12 year old!) UAW workers and families were much more grounded. They needed a livelihood and wanted certainty for their future.

---

War continued to wage into high school. We came home one day to find “jackrocks” outside of our driveway - a tool used in feudal Japan to thwart the advancing armies - horses, chariots - etc. of those in power.  In <60 years, Caterpillar had gone from transforming America’s agrarian society to becoming the enemy of American workers. We had the GOP’s Contract with America (stored in my Trapper Keeper) and Clinton signing NAFTA within a couple years. Both parties supported global capital and global capital supported both parties. Maybe jackrocks worked better than voting?

Corporate America soon figured out that if your workers were in China, Mexico or the South, it’s harder for them to stick jack rocks in your driveway. If your kids go to private school or you live in a quasi-private suburb, they’ll be insulated from the wrath of the have-nots in heavily policed, declining urban centers. No peeing on your effigy or having your kid hear about it!

---

After college, I became an analyst at Bain & Company. Once an auto parts company hired us to do a “portfolio review”. I meticulously compared the costs of building mirrors in Eastern Michigan or Malaysia - creating a zero defect Excel model. Guess which location won? The auto parts company - like Cat - had the freedom to choose where to put jobs. 

But what freedom did the workers have? Marie Antoinette once said “let them eat cake”. The elites of our era now say “let them move”. Social capital is critical for folks navigating change. The educated elite take the portability of social capital (embedded in college degrees and iMessage threads) as a given. 

But place and social capital are deeply intertwined especially if you’re poor or a minority. While the deep introspection elites once had during 2016 has now been paved over by new crises, we should never forget that there’s a cost to society of losing its manufacturing base and jobs. How do you model the costs of broken families, drug addiction and a polarized electorate in Excel? 

---

I grew disillusioned with management by spreadsheet. But I saw a bright spot on the horizon: tech. I remember opening my first iPod, getting 1000 songs in my pocket and believing that America had a shot at leading a new generation of consumer electronics when everyone a decade earlier had written us off in favor of the Japanese. Perhaps tech could bring jobs and prosperity back to the country? I wanted to be part of it. 

So I moved to the Valley in 2004 and joined a VC fund. I saw how the VC funding model that Silicon Valley was built on incentivizes high-risk, high-leverage and massive-scale. It encourages companies to cherry-pick top-end talent (immigrants, marquee college grads) to build the differentiated bits. Pick the highest leverage point in the stack, outsource everything else - by building in China and/or pushing the last-mile to an ecosystem that you can control at arms length.

Tech companies could more than pay back the largely fixed costs of software / semiconductor design from the large and homogenous American market. This dynamic attracted massive amounts of private risk capital and enabled aggressive expansion abroad. This model didn’t work for everything (I got burned with cleantech) - but it worked amazingly well for broad swaths of enterprise software, consumer services and marketplaces. I saw how tech could be an incredible lever for wealth creation. But every visit back home to the Rust Belt made me wonder - wealth creation for whom?

---

2020+ - A thought experiment on institutional innovation and putting people first

July 14, 2020 - Q2 Earnings - CEO, MEGA TECH CORP - Hi everyone. These aren’t normal times. We’re not going to talk about our 10Q on this call. We’re here to talk about the next 10 years. So if you’re here for DAUs, ARR or CPC, you can drop off now.


We’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the race, health and economic crises our country faces. Over the last few weeks, I’ve asked our exec team to leave their homes, their Zoom calls, their DoorDash deliveries - to join protests and explore our community through new eyes. 

Race & Place: On Juneteenth, we biked from Sheraton Place to Hunters Point to Tanforan. We saw the real life impact of redlining, mass incarceration of Blacks and the lack of jobs from decades ago - and how our headquarters sustain - rather than disrupt - the region’s policies of de facto segregation. We also remembered how political demagogues once imprisoned our neighbors of Japanese descent. We see today how their rhetoric affects our Black neighbors and colleagues. What might it do tomorrow to folks without legal status in ag/service industries that California depends or the H1Bs we depend on? What does diversity & inclusion mean in this context?

Jobs: The next Friday we biked from SRI to PARC to Sunnyvale and Moffett Field. Our industry once dreamed of a bicycle for the mind and embraced technical education and apprenticeship as a path in the door for Women and Blacks. Meanwhile we’ve pushed vast swaths of work to contractors or platform-mediated transactions - making it harder to use up-skilling as a talent lever like manufacturing employers did in the last era. What’s the impact on income mobility? At what point will 40 million unemployed Americans affect our share prices and the stability of society?

Climate: On Independence Day, we biked on the Bay Trail past landfills, superfund sites and the 101 - alongside poor and minority neighborhoods with terrible health outcomes. We talked about the Bay Area weather forecast for 2060 “fire with a chance of flooding”. We passed abandoned railways and dreams of regional transport - the result of which is folks commuting hours each way from the central valley to work service jobs in our campuses.  We wondered about the long run political consequences of isolating our employee base inside the WiFi confines of a private bus network. Where is the voting base to drive institutional change? How many axles or tires will our commuter buses need to keep them safe from jackrocks on the 101?

Health: Last week, we rode from the old Permanente cement quarry to 101 (built by the same cement workers.)  We talked about how Kaiser - a private employer of low-skilled workers - internalized their healthcare needs, pursued disruptive innovation and faced fierce clashes with the medical establishment. We thought about how COVID is exposing the brittleness of our employee’s isolation inside a private insurance bubble. No one can be healthy in a pandemic without competent public health infrastructure. Meanwhile, the growing cost of private healthcare makes it harder for tech - let alone the rest of the country - to employ American workers across the wage spectrum - exacerbating job loss and instability. 

And as we spoke with others, we saw how the issues that Silicon Valley faces are not unique to one metropolitan area or one industry. It just happens to be the ultimate archetype of Global Capitalism and de facto segregated American metros.

What we now see - more clearly than ever - is that our entire company, our entire industry, our entire Valley - is built on a flawed foundation. 

We can no longer just focus on the magical software bits and hope someone else figures out racial equity, employment, climate and health. This is Joel Spolsky’s Law of Leaky Abstractions on the ultimate scale. The abstractions are failing - and we’re seeing bugs and unintended consequences all around us. And the more we invest to deal with one-off bugs, the more likely we are to calcify change and imprison ourselves inside a failing stack.

It’s like we decided to build the world’s notification service on Ruby on Rails - or building an iPhone competitor on Windows CE. Fail Whale everywhere. Unfortunately, America’s democratic institutions are in poor condition. They are struggling to deal with inequality let alone looming environmental disaster.  A polarized electorate - particularly at the national level - leads to populism and makes it hard for these institutions to execute meaningful, long-term plans.

We talk a lot about speech, misinformation, fairness of targeted ads etc. But it’s becoming clear that UX, linear algebra/training data and monetization in our products is just the tip of the spear to address polarization. We believe polarization is a product of the underlying conditions of civil rights, education, health and climate debt that affect Americans differentially based on race, wealth, neighborhood and region. e.g. If we care about justice, how far does focusing on the fairness of employment ads get us in a world when many people lack the skills and negotiating power to secure a living wage?

So will today’s peaceful protests for racial justice expand into tomorrow’s revolution(s) for economic freedom? If you don’t think things are bad now, think about what happens when the stimulus checks run out. Take a look at the amount of debt in the public sector, use any imagination about COVID, work out what happens to their tax base / pension returns and consider the impact on public services, public servants and their votes.  MMT better be a real thing. Maybe we didn’t start these fires, but that refrain won’t save us when the flames come our way. 

We’re done debating why we need to act. It’s clear America needs our help. Let’s talk about how we’re going to rise to the occasion. Our mantra will be “internalize, innovate, institutionalize”.

First, we’re going to internalize our problems. I’m here to tell you that issues of racial and economic justice are not just moral issues but they’re financial issues. Racial debt, education debt, health debt, climate debt  will hit us harder and harder each year.  (By the way, revolution probably won’t be great for your DCF models.) So we’re going to recognize these off-balance sheet liabilities - which amount to a few hundred billion in the US alone over the next 10 years for a company at our scale. 

Second, we’re going to innovate against these systemic problems - but our only shot at making progress is if we realign the entire company’s mission to address them. This is not about optics. This is not about philanthropy. This is not another bet.  We’re putting all our chips behind one bet - America. It's the country that backed us in the first place, it's where most of our people are and most of our profits.  The job for our existing products, platforms and cash flows will be to advance four areas: place / race, skilling / manufacturing, health / food and climate / mobility - starting in America. The board will measure me based on job creation and diversity.  It should go without saying that we’re pausing dividends and buybacks for the foreseeable future. Every dollar will serve our mission.  Every senior leader will need to sign up for our new mission - and those who choose to stay will receive a new, back-end loaded, 10 year vesting schedule.  We want them focused on the long-term health of society - not the whims of Robinhood day traders or strengthening the moats of existing products. We will need to invent entirely new ways to operate and ship products. As Joel Spolsky said, “when you need to hire a programmer to do mostly VB programming, it’s not good enough to hire a VB programmer, because they will get completely stuck in tar every time the VB abstraction leaks”.  We need engineers, designers and product managers that will look deep into the stack, confront the racial, job access, health and climate debts that our products, our companies and our communities are built on top of. This is not about CYA process to protect cash cows or throwing things over the fence to policy. We will need to innovate across technical, cultural and organizational lines. This requires deep understanding and curiosity. This will bring more scrutiny to our company - not less.  Not everyone’s going to be on board - so for the next 12 months, we’re giving folks a one-time buyout if they want to leave. 

Third, we can’t do any of this by ourselves.  The problems are too big. Our role will be to provide enlightened risk capital (from our balance sheet or by re-vectoring operating spend) alongside R&D, product, platform leverage to help leaders and innovators pursue solutions in these areas.  Of course we will work with our peers and the public sector wherever possible - buying/R&D consortia, public-private partnerships, trusts, etc. But the new era and landscape demands that we explore institutional models beyond global capital/startups, labor unions, NGOs or government. We need models that can more flexibly align people and purpose, that innovate on individualized vs. socialized risk/reward - and that ultimately help build and sustain local, social capital.  It’s difficult to say what these will look like - but increasingly figuring this out will be existential for our core business too. Right now, it doesn’t matter if you’re designing the best cameras in Cupertino or the best way to see their snaps in Santa Monica - we’re all just building layers of an attention stack for global capital. Our Beijing competitors have figured this out. ByteDance is already eating our lunch. They’re using the same tech inputs as us - UX, ML and large-scale systems - which are now a commodity - but with vastly lower consequences for the content they show - creating a superior operating / scaling model. They’re not internalizing social or political cost.

 What we need in this era is the accumulation stack - where each interaction builds social capital.  This is not about global likes. This is about local respect. We’ll create competitive advantage when we build products that reach across race / economic lines to harness America’s amazing melting pot and do so in ways that build livelihoods / property rights for creators and stakeholders.  

With this operating model in place, we’re committing to fundamental change in four areas:

Place & Race - We’re done with de facto segregation. Over the next 10 years, 100% of our jobs will be in diverse communities that embrace inclusive schooling, policing, housing and transit policies. (Starting tomorrow, we’re putting red lines on our maps around towns with exclusionary zoning.) This is not about privatizing cities or an HQ2-style play to extract concessions. This is about investing our risk capital and our reputation to innovate alongside government. How do we bring world-class education to neighborhoods with concentrated poverty? What is the future of digital/hybrid charter schooling? Unbundled, community-driven public safety? We’ll embrace “remote-first” as a means to this end. The Bay will become one physical node alongside others (e.g. Atlanta, DC, LA) creating an Interstate Knowledge System that develops diverse talent across the country. We’re going to coordinate our investment with leading peers - since after all, this isn’t about cost savings or cherry-picking. It’s about broadening our country’s economic base.

Skilling & Manufacturing - We will 10x the tech talent pool in 10 years - by inventing new apprenticeship models that bring women, minorities and the poor into the workforce. We’ll start with our existing contractor base, convert them to new employment models with expanded benefits and paths for upward mobility.  Next, we will invent new productivity tools for all types of workers - from the front office to mobile work to call center - that brings the power of AI and programming to everyone. These will be deeply tied into new platforms for work designed from the bottom-up to build social and financial capital for individual workers and teams.  Last, we’re going to manufacture most of our hardware products - from silicon all the way to systems - entirely in the US within 10 years. This will require massive investment, collaboration and innovation. It may require a revolution in robotics - but we will pursue this in a way that makes the American worker competitive - not a commodity to be automated away. If we’re successful, the dividends of our investment here will have massive spillover benefits to every other sector of manufacturing in the US - autos, etc. - including ones we have yet to dream up. 

Health & Food -  We’re not going to tolerate a two-class system for healthcare anymore. As we convert our contract workforce to new employment models, we’re going to have to innovate on the fundamental quality/cost paradigm across our benefit stack. This may feel like a step down but it will put us (and the rest of society if we’re successful) on a fundamentally better long-term trajectory.  Food is part of Health, and we’re going to innovate there too. Free food for employees is not going to come back post-COVID. Instead, we’ll use our food infrastructure to bootstrap cooperatively-owned cloud kitchens. We’ll provide capital to former contractors - mostly Black and Hispanic - to invest and own these. We’ll build platforms to help them sell food to employees (partly subsidized), participate in new “food for health” programs and eventually disrupt the extractive labor practices we see across food, grocery and delivery. 

Climate & Mobility - Lastly, we’ll be imposing a carbon tax on all aspects of our own operations - which we’ll use to “fund” innovation in this space - with a primary focus on job creation.  This is an area where we’re going to be looking far beyond our four walls from the beginning.  As a first step, we’re teaming up with Elon and Gavin Newsom to buy PG&E out of bankruptcy and restructure it as a 21st century “decentralized” utility.  It will accelerate the electrification of mobility - financing networked batteries for buses, cars and bikes along with charging infrastructure - and leading a massive job creation program focused on energy efficiency.  Speaking of mobility, private buses aren’t coming back after COVID. Instead, we’re teaming up with all of our peers to create a Bay-wide network of electric buses (with bundled e-bikes) that will service folks of all walks of life - including our own employee base.  Oh and one more thing - we’re bringing together the world’s most advanced privacy/identity architecture and computational video/audio to bake public health infrastructure directly into the buses. For COVID and beyond. None of this is a substitute for competent, democratically accountable regional authorities. This is us investing risk capital on behalf of society - with the goal of empowering these authorities. Yes the New York Times will have a field day with this. Maybe in time they’ll leave their bubble, enter the real world, see the sorry state of their institutions - the behavioral health and infrastructure crises on their crumbling streets - and get on board. Until then, our job is to be patient longer than they can be inflammatory. 

Open technology for global progress - While we have to prioritize America given the scale of problems, the intent is not to abandon the rest of the world or hold back it’s progress. We feel the opposite - that over the coming decades each country’s technology sectors will thrive. To get there, we will continue to invest patiently - hiring, training, partnering, investing and innovating - but with a clear north star to help each country develop local leaders in new areas. Long-term, we’ll continue to contribute open technology that others can build upon. 

America should be the proverbial city on a hill for everyone - not a metaverse for the rich with the poor dying in the streets. We don’t have much time so we’re getting to work now. See you next quarter.

----

This call may be imaginary but none of this is sci-fi or requires MMT. What it requires is us to care. To act. Join me on bike rides to explore our past and discuss what tangible actions Silicon Valley’s leading companies can take in the coming quarters and years. Logistics here for rides on June 19, June 26, July 2 and July 10!

[mydearestloveblog]

Shaman chats

I'm feeling really excited after having a conversation with Julie. I feel really seen and heard and for the first time I feel like I am empowered in my abilities and can really make an impact in difference. At the same time I feel like I now understand the importance of taking care of myself and how I have to continue to heal my traumas and my pains in order to fully step into this practice. I remember my mom said that when she started this shamanism journey, that she had to metaphorically die in order to stop in to her power. The space to think about my own self and all the ways in which I need to let go of the past and metaphorically, let go of the Nerdist of parts of me that are no longer serving me. Julie did bring up the fact that I will have to continue to work on this idea of disappointment, and I am not exactly sure where it comes from to be honest. I feel that there is a huge amount of responsibility on me, and there are parts of me that are unsure if I'm capable of doing it. There are also parts of me that are unsure if I am worthy of doing it. I guess it just feeds back into my own trauma of self-worth and if I am deserving of all that I have been all that I've worked for... I really appreciated her enthusiasm and her groundedness when it comes to this journey. It is clear that she has chosen this path for herself and has fully embraced it knowing that they are going to be very high highs and sometimes low lows. There are parts of me that are afraid of embracing this journey because I am not sure if I can do it, or if I want to do it. I know that regardless of the path right shoes that I'm going to help people and make an impact on this world. When I think about the research that I have done on shamanism, it makes me laugh. Because a shaman is literally a creator of the community and a creator of culture there is a reinforcer of identity when it comes to their communities. And that makes me think about all the work that I have done in the past regarding arts theater representation leader ship, I suppose the downside I've always been a shaman if I truly believe that the role and purpose of a shaman is to do create culture and enforce it. At the same time I also know that a shaman is the person who saves people. I appreciated hearing Julie say that I'm not going to be able to save everyone, because the truth is I don't think that I will be able to save everyone. I don't know if it gives me more freedom knowing this or if it makes me more sad knowing this, that not everybody is going to be able to be saved. I definitely feel like I have to let go of the excess energy that I have held onto for all these years, the start up trauma, I want to release it. I think for a long time I needed to hold onto it in order to protect myself, but now I realize that this excess weight and energy is no longer serving me. I releases energy into the universe and I release anything that is attached to me that no longer serves me I'm letting go of the pains in the traumas that I have collected over the years and I'm letting go of all the expectations that were placed on me by my family or friends by myself by my partner by society by my community by the universe I release anything that does not belong to me in any energy that is not mine to begin with I release anything that no longer serves me in any sort of way even if it serves to me at one point in time I release all entities and energies that do not have the best intentions for me and my growth I release everything every single fat Sal and every single ounce of water in me that normal in me that is no longer serving me and helping me to be lift up and to rise to be the most powerful version of myself I release everything back to where it goes and where it belongs that I no longer leg claim our responsibility to that information or to that knowledge to the entity or to the energy I release myself and I let go of everything that I have held onto I release all my pains and all my disappointments and I release all my traumas that were never mind to begin with so that I can  take back what is mine and reclaim the power that is within me and is inherently me and the power of the universe the power that I have to heal and to love I claim all back my energy from all parts of the world and people from energies from places that do not have any control over me or my abilities or my energies or my powers I clean back and I called back all that is mine to me so that I can be refreshed and lively  so I can thrive and be free and to live and to rise to heal the world as I am meant to I claim and I power and a raise and I live and I clean all my power and I rise and I live and I clean back what is mine and all my energies from the world and I know longer allow any bad entities any bad energies any thing that is negative impact me  my energy and my love of my life or neutralize these as a tease and it will not bring me fear and I will not bring me sorrow I will see it for what it is and I will live my life knowing that I am stronger and that I am more worthy and more kind and more loving than these negative energies or entities could ever imagine and then my power is fueled by love of generations I am breaking curses and I'm uplifting people not only with in my reach but also within my can that my words in my voice have power to love and to heal and that is the reason why I am not only gifted with song but I'm also gifted in my knowing of love and I've lied and I claim all my energy and I called back all my energy to me and it lives in me deep within my heart to fill it up and to give it light and it lives within my soul and my God to give me breath and to give me a purpose and I know that I am powerful and I am loved and no matter. 

[sableaire]

Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I really look up to you for considering everyone's opinion and being calm and level-headed. I feel like I don't see a lot of toxic, passive-aggressive Tumblr stuff here. It's a breath of fresh air imo. I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else's opinion, but want to remind yourself that they're entitled to it? It would really help me! Thank you.

Hello - thank you for your kind words, Anon. I try hard to try and make my blog a comfortable place for the most amount of people, and though I sometimes feel like I slip up, I’m glad that you find my blog something refreshing.

I can’t really say how it is that I avoid the toxic, Tumblr passive-aggression. Part of it may just be that I avoid it myself, so it never ends up on my dash. However, thinking on it now, I guess a lot of that is a deliberate choice as well.

Something that gives me a lot of perspective on things like this is that I’ve changed a lot as a person in just the last six years. The transition from high school to college to now near-graduation was a significant one, and I underwent a lot of personal growth.

As such, I know what it’s like to make mistakes as a teenager (or younger). I know who I was, how I thought, and I know what would have worked on me and what would not have. 

This post has gotten super-long, possibly my longest yet(?) so I’ll put it under the cut as usual. If you want to just skim the example given and go straight to tips, skip down to the bolded portion, ahaha. More under the cut:

Just a warning, but this example contains mentions of homophobia and, additionally, some highly negative or dangerously neutral opinions that I personally held in the past. I no longer retain such beliefs. I ask that you look upon this example as a story of growth, as I do. 

For example, as a young teen, I had a very firm belief (not taught, just a personal belief that came out of nowhere;;) that anything sexual was bad, and I was more morally pure for having no interest in it. Additionally, I was raised in a highly homophobic environment, and because I had no concept of romantic/sexual attraction in the first place, I had no reason to really think about the idea of why loving the same gender would be bad. I just accepted it as a fact of life, just as I accepted it as a fact of life that eventually I would fall in love and marry a man, etc.

It was to the point where I kind of just… didn’t realize gay people existed. Hell, I didn’t even know there was gay media. I was just straight-up oblivious. But that fun fact aside, my complete disconnect from the existence of gay people meant that, if the topic came up, I probably would have made some highly ignorant comments.

((Side note, I barely realized heterosexual people existed - I didn’t realize that people were having sex in my high school until I was a senior!))

At the same time, I was a highly prideful individual. I know for a fact that if someone, especially some stranger I don’t know, confronted me in anger, calling me homophobic and a terrible person for some of the things I blithely said, young-teen-me would have drawn myself up to save face. I would have gotten offended, angry, and discredited whoever it was. After all, why would I believe some internet stranger over my environment - over myself and my experiences?

If someone had attacked me for my ignorance and these beliefs born of complete ignorance, I know for a fact that I would have ended up more firmly aligning myself with those beliefs. I would have felt the need to stand my ground, partially to protect my self-esteem, partially because as someone who looked down on emotion (I could write a book on my past self;;), I would not have wanted to be associated with a group of people that were so angry. 

So, now that I am older and have moved beyond that, now that I know better, I approach these kind of issues in a way that I know my past self would have been more receptive to. I don’t get angry, and I don’t try to enforce my own ideas on other people. Instead, I offer more information. I trust the other party to be a strong thinker in their own right, and then I offer them a choice that might not have been available to them before.

As a young teen, I had no option to accept gay people, when I had no concept of their existence and the vague ‘fact’ that it was a ‘dirty’ or ‘sinful’ thing to be gay. I had no option to accept the idea that people should be able to love who they love when my belief on romantic love was that you just choose the best option available to you once you’re ready to marry (aroace, woo, fun times).

But I was a headstrong teenager, overconfident and smart enough to sound impressive, so if anyone attacked my character or intelligence over my homophobia, I would have felt the need to assert my autonomy over myself. Telling me what to think? Telling me how to behave? That would have been unconscionable. My indignation and anger would have kept me from ever trying to learn more about the topic.

If, instead, someone gave me an option - just made the topic of being gay something more normalized in my life, gave me more historic sources (either of cultures where same-sex relationships were accepted or records of the horrors the LGBTQ community suffered), and just gave me more information to reform my beliefs on my own, I would have been more likely to change my views.

Looking back now, that’s exactly what happened. The way it happened, however, is also something a lot of people might not have agreed with. What brought the concept of ‘gay people’ into my sphere of awareness was in fact a friend’s interest in BL content. My desire to support and share in her interests, along with a natural curiosity and interest in storytelling, led me to read a number of BL manga. I never got into the BL community because I didn’t experience it the same way they did - as a sex-repulsed asexual, I wasn’t reading it for sexual gratification, so I couldn’t relate to their titillation. Even so, because I never do things by halves, as a teenager, I continue reading BL as a hobby.

Some, of course, was blatant fetishization, and I am now embarrassed that I have ever read those. Actually, I’m embarrassed about this period in my life in general, for various reasons, but I’m sharing the story! Just for you, Anon! 

In any case, some was blatant fetishization, but I did also encounter some actually well-written stories with emotional stake. Now, I’m not saying this is in any way ideal, but it was these stories that exposed me to the idea of social rejection, fear of being disowned, etc. due to homophobia. 

These particular themes struck a chord with me, because even though I had just accepted the idea that I was going to marry someone and have children, etc. I also had a vague awareness that I didn’t want to. In Korean society, and with my grandmother, I did have an ingrained fear that I may be somehow rejected by my family should I ever not want to go to any of my grandmother’s blind dates for me and such. 

Sometimes in high school, when I answered that I didn’t have an interest in dating, family members would accuse me of being a lesbian in a tone of near disgust. Prior to reading the BL stories, I likely would have been offended by the accusation. After reading the BL stories and reading about situations where people got cut off for being gay, I was more hurt by the idea that if I was actually gay myself, I likely would have been rejected. It better helped me to better understand and empathize with some struggles that LGBTQ persons may go through in their lives.

This empathy led me to be more open to reading about the LGBTQ community, and it helped me to better control my surprise when I found out some of my friends were bisexual or had kissed girls, and it was a gateway to more information, with which I have shaped my current beliefs and moral code.

This is another reason that I don’t really engage in Tumblr’s moral crusades. I’m of the firm belief that people grow given the chance, and that growth is shaped by three things: information, support, and choice. In this example, my ‘information’ came from places that the more morally aggressive side of Tumblr would consider irredeemable: BL media. 

I’ve written a post or two on the topic in the past, so my followers already know that I disapprove of the fetishization often inherent in this kind of media. However, I simultaneously cannot bring myself to bring myself to just tell people, “Hey, you shouldn’t read BL,” because it would not have worked on me, personally, and also because my experience reading BL actually contributed to the who I am in present day.

Let’s create an Alternate Universe - remove this source of ‘information’ from my formative years. I had no opportunity to empathize with an example of emotional rejection. Due to living in South Korea with a limited social circle, attending a Christian school, I have limited opportunity to meet actual gay people. Instead, as I grow up, my increasingly evident disinterest in guys leads to more disgusted/concerned accusations from family members that I’m a lesbian, which I react to poorly because I am both repulsed by the idea of a romantic relationship and also because I have been told all my life that being gay is something undesirable.

I eventually make a homophobic comment, because I start to associate the concept ‘lesbian’ with my personal revulsion. In response, someone calls me a terrible person, irredeemable, etc. and challenges my moral character, something AU me has a high opinion of. Insulted, I feel the need to defend my position because, psychologically, it is easier to decide that other people are wrong than admit that I am wrong.

The new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are ‘overly-emotional’ and will attack a person’s character without knowing who they are. Perhaps I receive a death threat or they tell me that people like me are better off dead. Then the new ‘information’ available to me is that people who support gay people are potentially dangerous.

As an upset teenager, in this AU, I speak to my family about this. Due to some ingrained homophobic beliefs themselves, they validate my experience. Some of them might tell me that people who support gay people are “just as bad as gays themselves.” My mother, especially, is furious about the death threat. She tells me that I’m smarter than they’ll ever be, how dare some stranger say that. Is it possible to report them to the police? I tell her, no, that’s not possible, mom, it’s the internet and also they’re probably in a different country.

This is AU me’s ‘support’. It reinforces the ‘information’ that I received, and it makes it more difficult for me to accept conflicting information in the future. Online, I may encounter other individuals who have received hate and or death threats for their homophobic beliefs, and I connect with them. We commiserate. This is more ‘support’ which makes it even harder for me to change my mind in the future.

And throughout this whole series of events, AU-me feels that she is in control of her own actions. She didn’t ‘give into’ the people trying to force her to change. She is proud of who she is, and she feels confident in her autonomy of herself. Due to basic psychology, she feels that her choice is the right one, and she instinctively seeks out biased evidence that confirms her beliefs.

Flash forward to AU age 22, I would be a completely different person to who I am today. I would not have the friends that I do. I would not be on Tumblr writing this post. My moral code and personal beliefs could be completely different.

So then, here’s a philosophical question: Does the very real possibility that I could have become an elitist, sexist homophobe make me a bad person?

There are some people who believe that people who are morally good will always end up where they are. I am not one of those people. I consider myself blessed that I met the people I did and had the experiences that I did. I am grateful that certain hardships in my life gave me time and reason to sit down and think about the kind of person that I want to be.

Due to the information that I was lucky enough to encounter and the support I was able to find, I was able to make the decision to commit to being an open-minded person. 

Of course, I recognize that my experience is unique to myself. It is very possible that someone else, in my aforementioned example, would have ended up homophobic in a different way - fetishizing gay people, applying BL fantasies to real life people, etc. - but in my case, that wasn’t so. And that’s the issue. You can’t accurately predict people’s trajectory of growth upon exposure to controversial topics and or media. However, it’s almost certainly guaranteed that anger and threats will be poorly received, and likely counter-productive. 

I believe that people are a product of their experiences. There have been a lot of kind people in my life, such as yourself Anon, who have told me that they respect my approach to situations or my philosophy on life or how I conduct myself, etc.

Ultimately, it is just that I am a product of my own unique set of experiences, and those experiences encompass both circumstances and mistakes. Upon coming to college and spending time away from my family, I really started committing to my self-betterment. I spent a lot of time thinking about my beliefs and the kind of person who I want to be. I took courses in Conflict Negotiation and Social Psychology because they were important to me. 

Right now, I am still learning, and I’m still trying. I’m really, really happy that I can be someone others find helpful for their own personal growth.

With that being said:

So, Anon, your question was, “I was just wondering how you do it? Like, what do you tell yourself, when you feel angry about someone else’s opinion, but want to remind yourself that they’re entitled to it?“

It’s not necessarily that I believe someone is entitled to their beliefs. There are some beliefs that I find dangerous, and I do not believe any person should have them. However, before I get angry, I think about my own experience as a person with less-than-stellar beliefs, and I think about what kind of approach would have best worked with me.

In my experience, the elements that contribute to a person’s opinions on something are the following: information, support, and choice.

So, things to keep in mind:

Every person uses the information available to them and the support system attached to that information to make, what they believe to be, an informed choice. People always believe in things and behave in a manner that makes logical sense to them, and that is important to remember.

Choice is the most important element of the three. The psychology of autonomy, especially in highly individualistic societies such as the United States, is incredibly powerful. Even if someone changes their behavior because someone else tells them to, they may later on start to resent both the behavior and the person that forced them. Ultimately, if you want someone to really change, you have to let them come to a different conclusion on their own. 

So, how do you change someone’s mind? Give them information and let them know that should they desire to change, they have your support. If someone is ignorant about something, rather than condemning them for it, it is most effective to present information in a neutral manner. Give them the option to learn, and let them choose the option for themselves. And, should they want to learn more about a certain perspective, offer your availability and aid. Allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from their own mistakes. Act as a guide they can choose to follow rather than trying to push them down a certain path. This is the approach Daryl Davis took towards the KKK, to great success.

That being said, I realize that this is a best case scenario. It is incredibly time-consuming, and it is for many people emotionally taxing. This method is not for everyone, and part of the reason I stick to it is because I recognize that I am one of few people who have the patience and the temperament to carry it out, and I believe that it is a necessary method in this world. However, I recognize that it is unfair to expect people with great emotional investment in a topic to just swallow their feelings and bear with it. Sometimes, certain topics are deeply upsetting to individual people. Especially in these cases, I recognize that it is highly difficult for people to take on such a goal-oriented approach. 

I am additionally committed to my approach because I know that there are some people who will be receptive to it, but not everyone can make use of it. As such, many people I know in my life ask for me to mediate conflicts or help them figure out how to change someone’s mind. I am an ally to many causes by being this more neutral, more open-minded person. I have received criticism for this before, that there’s no point trying to change bigots’ minds or that there’s no arguing with certain people. However, as someone who acknowledges that she could have become someone completely different (someone who thought poverty was the fault of the poor, that sexual assault is fault of the victim, that being gay was an abnormality, etc.) I know for a fact that people, especially younger people, can change their minds, given the opportunity.

However, like I said, this method is time-consuming and emotionally taxing. And as much as I want to help people, I also have an obligation to myself. So, part of the reason I avoid toxicity and passive-aggression or fan/anti debates is because I’m… I’m on Tumblr for fun. For a good time. Why would I willingly throw myself into more trouble when I can avoid it? The thing is, I already know that I can’t change everyone’s mind, so it doesn’t matter if I don’t go in and engage every single person on Tumblr whose opinions I disagree with. Instead, sometimes I’ll get Anons who ask my opinion on certain topics, and I can make a long post like this one. People interested in the topic will then read and reblog it, and it will eventually reach a wider audience. The thing about my approach is, I can’t please anyone on any one side. I have people who disagree with me on both sides… but, unlike other approaches, I also have people who agree with me on both sides. In any case, I’m on Tumblr for fun, and I don’t have a responsibility to anyone but my own followers.

That is also why I try to keep my Tumblr free of discourse, for the most part. Not everyone can handle emotionally charged controversy, and not everyone can easily ignore it if it just shows up on their dash. Although I try to tag everything so people can opt in and out of content, I also want my blog to be mostly a fun and friendly place for people where they can occasionally learn things. There are enough sources of stress in the world. I hope I’m never one of them. ((On occasion I will reblog a post which involves my political beliefs, but that is because I feel that, in this case, given the current US political climate, I would feel personally uncomfortable if I didn’t make my personal alignment known.))

Also, it’s important to note: If you’re engaging in dialogue and trying to change someone’s mind on a topic without thinking about how to succeed at it, at heart, changing their mind may not be your ultimate goal. Often times, a lot of Tumblr controversy comes, not from a place of wanting positive change, but wanting emotional gratification. Sending angry messages on the internet may feel good in the moment, but it often drags you into a frustrating argument that leads nowhere. It also will not have a long-term positive effect. Having the moral high ground in a situation can feel fantastic, and I’ve been there - but again, it doesn’t actually enact positive change. It just creates a survival-of-the-fittest environment for negativity. You’ll chase away the people who have room to grow, and only the loudest, most stubborn, most arrogant people will remain. 

Further, getting angry at people’s opinions on the internet creates an environment where it’s terrifying to make mistakes. On the internet, it’s impossible to tell someone’s age and or circumstances. A lot of people on Tumblr are kids, and they may or may not be lying about their ages to seem older. Think about parenting, and how criticizing small mistakes in behavior can lead to a long-term fear of making mistakes. Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. Creating a system where one mistake can haunt you for the rest of your life is counter-productive to personal growth, and that’s what a lot of Tumblr controversy seems to be.

Actually, now that I’ve written all that, I just realized something I should have mentioned in the very beginning: I am not someone interested in changing the world. I’m not even interested in enacting social change. That’s far, far, far to broad a scope for me. There are some people built for such positions, and they seek to enter politics or start grassroot fundraisers, etc. I am not such a person.

Instead, I hope to become someone who can be a positive source of change for individuals. I don’t want to change the world or society, but I hope to be someone who can change one person’s worldview. An act of kindness for to a person who has lost hope. Someone who can translate languages and bridge cultures for individual people. Someone who can inspire someone to commit to their own self-development. 

To this day, I consider learning that I inspired someone to learn a new subject or pursue a new career path my greatest achievements. Few things delight me more.

I want to be a writer, and if the book that I publish can make a positive impact on just one reader, I will consider that book successful. That story would have been one worth telling.

There are some people who can make a goal to change the world and make it happen. I find that far too grand a dream for me. I lack the motivation for it, the strength of will for it, the vision for it. However, engaging with people one at a time, I can manage. So, there really is no reason for me to engage in Tumblr discourse. If someone comes to me directly, I can work with that. I can talk with someone one-on-one, and who knows, maybe I will come out the person changed. But that’s a personable scale, and it’s a level that I can comprehend.

I cannot change the world itself, but I can change the world for one person.

I don’t know if this was the answer you wanted, Anon, and I’m sorry it’s so long, ahaha. Ultimately, my advice to you is, decide what kind of person you want to be, and work towards it. This isn’t about achievements or careers, etc. - those are external things that label you. Who do you want to be? What kind of impact do you want to have on others? What kind of impression do you want to leave? And all the while, what role in life are you comfortable with on a physical, emotional, and ethical level?

After you figure that out, think about how you can become that person. The thing is, you never will, not completely, but you can improve yourself month by month and get a little closer, and every step closer to being that person is a victory. 

Most people in the world never take the time to think about it, so by taking the time to do so, Anon, you’ll already be a step ahead. 

..... I feel like after all that, I didn’t actually... answer the question very clearly. I’m sorry;; I hope you got something out of this ridiculous response, Anon;;;;

[howtohero]

#002 The Weird Factor

If you’re at all considering becoming a superhero it’s important to be aware of not only the changes that will occur in your own life, but also the changes that will occur in the world at large. See for a superhero to emerge in the world is a pretty big frikkin’ dealio, especially if you’re the first. Maybe not if you’re like the 347th, then it’s probably a smaller frikkin’ dealio. But still a frikkin’ dealio nonetheless. All it takes is for one superhuman do-gooder to roll up to the club for the whole world to lose its collective mind and take one giant leap towards the strange and paranormal. This is something I like to call: The Weird Factor.

Now, if you’re just going to go out and fight crime without first acquiring powers then this isn’t something you have to worry about much (also, maybe you’ll die). Usually when a costumed, powerless crime-fighter shows up nothing really changes. Maaaaybe you’ll get a few criminals taking up costumes and codenames too, but all that really means is that they’re going to start committing themed crimes based on their assumed identities. If anything, that just makes it easier to catch them. It’s not until someone starts shooting face lasers or being able to punch through the planet, that things get really crazy.

The appearance of a certified, straight-up, super powered individual in the public spotlight creates a domino effect when it comes to the appearance of other out of the normal creatures and events. A mainstream superhero starts a superhuman arms race (side note: I’d be remiss if I didn’t take the time to mention now that the appearance of a mainstream mystic starts a supernatural charms race). Criminals, now realizing that attaining super powers is within the realm of possibility, start trying to acquire superhuman abilities of their own. which leads to a market need for more heroes which generates more villains and so on and so forth. It’s really just basic economics, so think about that before you go out and start superheroing all over the place inspiring villains to take up arms against you!

Additionally, the acceptance of superhumans by the public will only embolden other irregular creatures to enter into mainstream society. It’s commonly assumed knowledge that vampires and werewolves and molemen and hyper-intelligent apes and sewer mutants and their ilk are hiding out somewhere in the world, (K, the sewer mutants are probably in the sewers but all the other ones!) but they remain in hiding out of fear that they won’t be accepted by the public. Which is totally reasonable. People are terrible. But, once a powerful individual shows up on the scene and is publicly adored and hailed as a hero, all of that fear will recede. Next thing you know the Loch Ness Monster will be holding a public press conference to accept her hide-and-seek-world-champion-even-though-Loch-Ness-isn’t-even-that-deep award and Bigfoot will be publishing a tell-all book titled “My Feet Aren’t Actually That Big I’m Actually Wearing Giant Novelty Slippers That I Found Once, They’re Mad Comfy and BTW My Real Name is Ned.” If you’re looking for a ghostwriter Ned, I’m your guy. Now, these creatures emerging and taking their rightful place in society is by no means a bad thing and should in fact by welcomed with open-arms (my editor wouldn’t let me make another magic pun here, but I wanted to). You just might want to touch base with some of these groups before you expose Paranormal People kind to the world, these aren’t the kinds of people you want being angry at you, ignoring the fact that you may or may not have already antagonized a village mystic in order to get your powers in the first place.

Once the world becomes full of superhuman heroes and villains and all stripes of Para-Folk, the planet will immediately become a lot more interesting. You’ll be putting Earth on the intergalactic map. That’s pretty neat! Or is it? I dunno! Let me lay out some scenarios for you and then let you decide.

Scenario 1: Earth becomes a legitimate intergalactic powerhouse. We’ve got an army of superheroes protecting it. Hyper-intelligent apes are walking around, probably holding public office. We’ve developed an international space fleet, it’s got a pretty boss insignia. Every spaceship has a bowling alley. That’s right you read that right. Earth has space bowling now. But oh now, what’s this? We’re seen as a threat. Other spacefaring races are intimidated by our space bowling and our ape congressman. They come and invade, preemptive strike-mas came early this year. That’s no fun at all. Though I guess it might inspire international unity but at what cost? People will doubtlessly die in this invasion. Plus, after (if?) it’s successfully seen off Earthlings will probably develop a sense of planetary nationalism (planetalism? planationalism?) and cut off all ties to other alien planets.

Scenario 2: Earth becomes the poster planet for intergalactic prosperity. Our superheroes are universally (literally) known and adored. Our acceptance of Para-Folk has received praise and has garnered the respect of the vampire nebula, sewer-mutant galactic empire, and the the werewolf colony living on one of Jupiter’s moons (did you know Jupiter has like 60 moons? Did you know that I had to say like and can’t give an exact number because apparently Jupiter keeps picking up satellites all the dang time? Science has just given up on even giving them real names! Sorry werewolves, hope you enjoy living on S/2003 J23). Earth is a major player in the intergalactic community, trade is established, alliances are formed. Our bowling alley space station becomes a revenue making tourist attraction for the entire solar system. Things are good. But then, uh oh what’s this? Surprise alien invasion! A war-like peace-hating, bowling-abhorring, alien race shows up and their war fleet has an even cooler insignia than ours. Devastation reigns, our allies come to our aid and the invasion is stopped but not before several lives are lost. 

Either way, once you become a public figure you can expect to see at least one alien invasion within your first few months. But but but if you successfully see off one of those invasions that’ll probably discourage other aliens from invading. So that’s good. Or the planet could be destroyed with all life exterminated. That would be lame. So, anyway, once you go public start gearing up for invasion. Good luck!

If fictional superheroes have managed to capture the public’s imagination and fancy one could only imagine what the appearance of a real life superhero would do to both the entertainment and scientific community. Confirmation of the existence of superhuman abilities would serve to break the glass ceiling on what is and isn’t considered physically possible and feasible (and sensible). Get ready (and get amped!) for hover boards and pet robot dinosaurs and time travel and teleportation and faster than light travel, and the return of iPhones with headphone jacks (you read it here first, this was my idea).

Once the seal of weird is broken though, anything that falls under the purview of The Weird Factor is entirely your responsibility not the local law enforcement’s. That’s just the way it is, beat cops aren’t paid enough to deal with rampaging cyborgs or giant sentient rock monsters. I mean, sure, granted, neither are you, but you have superpowers, so stop whining. Nuclear plant meltdown right next to a spider farm? That’s your problem. Super criminal with a freeze ray, that looks like a job for you. Alien invasion, I feel like we already covered this. Time-displaced dinosaur attack, that’s on you too, but on the bright side you live in a very cool town. 

          All of this (and more, I didn’t even get into the legal ramifications of this whole shebang) should be taken into consideration before you hope into your noun-mobile and start striking fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere. But they should be no means discourage you (just make sure the planet isn’t annihilated when the aliens come okay?) being a superhero is a huge responsibility but I’m sure, you, the person who came to tumblr to figure out how to go about doing it, are more than equipped to handle it. 

[brentrogers]

Podcast: Dating Violence in Young Adults

Teen dating isn’t always innocent puppy love. Some young people can get involved in emotionally abusive or even violent relationships. How common is this? What are some of the signs of teen dating violence and how can family and friends help?

In today’s show, counselor Joelle Shipp explains why young people can end up in these kinds of situations and how they can get out of them. She also shares the 3 components of healthy relationships.

We want to hear from you — Please fill out our listener survey by clicking the graphic above!

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

  Guest information for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Podcast Episode

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC earned her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Appalachian State University in Boone, NC with a concentration in Marriage and Family Counseling. She received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC) in the state of North Carolina and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors. Joelle knows that different seasons of life bring different challenges. She became a therapist in order to support people through those challenges, recognizing that it is helpful to have support during these seasons. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. Joelle prioritizes creating a safe, validating and encouraging space for clients. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. She knows it is important that everyone is able to access mental health care so that they can be their best versions of themselves and she deeply loves being able to watch people build up the courage to truly care for themselves.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central podcast. Calling into the show today we have Joelle Shipp MA, LCMH. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. Joelle, welcome to the show.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here.

Gabe Howard: Well, thank you so much, Joelle. I’m very excited to have you. And today we’re going to discuss teen dating violence. Now, why specifically are we focusing on teen dating violence rather than just dating violence or adult dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence can occur in adults as well, but oftentimes our relationships tend to form in our teenage years. So whether that’s friendship or whether that’s romantic relationships.

Gabe Howard: What exactly is the definition of teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So teen dating violence can be any form of violence that takes place in a dating relationship. That can include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse.

Gabe Howard: In my mind, when I first heard you say teen dating violence, I’m immediately thinking physical violence, you know, somebody was punched, pushed. There was some physical contact with the other person. But in your definition, you talked about like emotional violence. Can you sort of separate those out of why that’s an issue? Because, myself included, the way that I was raised, I get kind of a sticks and stones may break your bones kind of feeling. And I know that’s not accurate.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yeah, so when you ask about that, some examples can be name calling or someone being made fun of or feeling stupid or worthless, and it can also look like manipulation, too. And so oftentimes, like you said, we think of violence and we think physical, but that can be in a mental and emotional way as well.

Gabe Howard: How big of a problem is teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence actually affects millions of teens each year. There’s been studies that show that at least 43% of dating college women report experiencing some type of violence in their relationships. And then when we even think about the LGBTQ community that more than 40% have actually reported being in an abusive relationship.

Gabe Howard: There can be a bad relationship, a negative relationship, a relationship that’s not good, that’s not abusive, right? Because trying to think about like my own development, you know, when I was in high school, I was in “bad relationships.” And I’m making air quotes because they weren’t abusive. We didn’t call each other names. There was no manipulation. But when we broke up, my parents were like, oh, thank God you did not bring out the best in each other. And I didn’t really understand that until I became an adult. I guess I’m trying to tease out the difference between an abusive relationship and a bad relationship.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So bad relationships, kind of like you were sharing, is that they don’t bring out the best in us sometimes, maybe our moods may change, our behaviors may change. How we decide to start treating others may change. But when we start seeing abusive relationships that definitely tends to take an emotional impact on us, it can affect our self-esteem, it can affect our moods, whether we may start to experience like depression or some anxiety whenever we’re in abusive relationships, we may avoid doing some of the things that we used to enjoy because we may fear that, oh, my partner is going to say something or they might start to feel like they have some control over us to where we’re not able to live our lives in a normal and healthy way.

Gabe Howard: I’m curious as to why somebody would want to abuse their partner, because it just seems so, it just doesn’t seem like something that somebody would want to do. But we know that it happens. And as you said, it’s somewhat common.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Oftentimes, whenever we’re talking about a partner being abusive, often they’re trying to gain some power and control over a person, they may feel out of control in other areas of their life. And so to gain some of that control, they may start to attempt that in their relationships. Also, times poor or unhealthy relationships have been modeled. So maybe say you have an individual who saw their parents fight or maybe they had a parent that was dating a lot of people who are maybe abusive in an emotional way or a physical way. And they may start to think that that’s OK.

Gabe Howard: When I think about any type of dating violence, whether it’s teen dating violence or adult dating violence, I always think that the male is the aggressor, that they’re the problem. But we know that females can contribute to dating violence as well. Is that true?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, that is very true. So a lot of times in our society, we see the male, the masculine, as maybe the aggressor, the person that is doing the abuse in these relationships. But we also do know that women can be not only emotionally abusive, but also verbally and physically abusive in relationships as well. And then when we also consider relationships that are non heterosexual, that individual, regardless of how they identify, can also be the abusive partner.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Joelle. Let’s talk about when somebody leaves an abusive relationship, does the abuse immediately end because the relationship has been severed?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Definitely not. Sometimes, and I always think it’s great whenever that person decides that they do not want to be a part of this relationship that’s causing them stress, anxiety, depression, the aggressor can continue to reach out to that person. They may even start to make threats of, if you leave me, I will do this. And so what’s always really important is to make sure that you have that safety support around you. So whether that’s friends or family, and sometimes that even means getting law enforcement involved just to make sure that you’re in a safe situation to leave that environment. You always want to make sure that you have the resources to keep yourself safe.

Gabe Howard: One of the interesting things that you said there is that we should rely on our friends and family if we’re trying to get out of an abusive relationship. What advice do you have for friends and family who are trying to help their loved ones who may be in an abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: When we consider abusive relationships, oftentimes people will try to leave those relationships more than once, and you’re the person who’s on the outside looking in and so you see that it’s an unhealthy relationship. You want your loved one to get out. And so I would just share patience is really key, obviously always expressing concern, but making sure that you recognize that that person may say they want to leave, may even attempt to once or twice or three times. But just making sure that you’re able to be present and maybe taking that space to allow them to make the decision for themselves, but also to try to be there for them whenever they do build up that confidence and that courage to get out for good.

Gabe Howard: Along the same lines, what are some signs that a teen might be experiencing dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: One of the big things is that you might see some behavior or mood changes that could look like lying, stealing or maybe even isolating themselves from people or activities they used to like to do, they might start to experience anxiety about being around their partner for fear of they might say something wrong or they might do something wrong or they might look at somebody and it may imply something that they don’t mean. Another sign to look out for is even some substance use. So if your teen starts to use alcohol or drugs, oftentimes that can be a numbing from the pain that they’re experiencing or maybe even a distraction from the abuse. And then one big thing is that they may start to express some suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, whether that’s thoughts or feelings of not wanting to be there because they feel like I just want to escape, I want to avoid this pain from this abusive relationship, or they may start to get feelings of hatred or anger towards their partner and have thoughts of wanting to harm them.

Gabe Howard: How does a teenager keep safe in a dating relationship? What signs should they look out for?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: The one thing that’s really important for anyone when you’re getting into a relationship is it’s really important to know who you are as an individual, your likes, your interests, know your values, and then also making sure that you’re creating positive self-esteem for yourself so that you’re able to know when someone is treating you in a way that you don’t want to be treated. I would hope that a lot of us have a good idea of I want to be treated with respect or kindness, I don’t want anyone to talk negative about me or say words that make me feel bad about myself. And whenever you’ve got that confidence in you, you’re less likely to allow other people to say those things to you. I think it’s also helpful to make sure that to foster open communication with your partner and so setting healthy rules and expectations within your relationship and also understanding not only your boundaries, but their boundaries as well, and then also making sure that you have trusted friends or family members and that you can discuss potential concerns with. It’s always helpful to be able to have someone that you trust. If you have a concern and you’re like, you know, I’m not sure about this, or they may be said that, what do you think? Just to kind of get some feedback on concerns you may have within your relationship?

Gabe Howard: I like that, I like that a lot and to sort of change gears just a little bit, I think that maybe a lot of teenagers don’t understand what components make a healthy relationship. I mean, we’re young at that age, we’re new, we’re experiencing things. And I think that maybe, I think that maybe there’s a lot of teenagers that don’t understand that this is unhealthy. And I know that there’s three important components that make up a healthy relationship. Can you talk about those for a moment?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, one is communication, it’s always important to have a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, and whenever you’re doing it in a healthy way, you don’t have any fear that you’ll be harmed in a physical, verbal or emotional way. Another thing that’s also important is being able to have respect not only for yourself, but for the other person. And so a lot of times in relationships, you know, there’s these common things that we have to like everything. We have to fit in like two peas in a pod. But oftentimes we have very different views and opinions about certain things. And it’s not always necessary to agree on everything, but it’s important to compromise in some situations or be able to respect those differences. And then the last one that I would share is making sure that you have care for that person. And so knowing that that person cares for you, that they have no intentions of harming you in any way. And a lot of times that this is shown not only by their words, but by their actions, because we can say a lot of talk, but our actions prove our true intentions for other people.

Gabe Howard: Specifically speaking about teens, and I know this is kind of a difficult question to answer, because, of course, you can’t be in the mind of every teenager, but why do you think that teenagers end up in abusive or violent relationships?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think that teens can often end up in these relationships, one, because they’re still trying to learn and understand themselves. It’s important to be able to communicate your likes and interest, but also those concerns as well. And sometimes teens may not know the words or know the best way to navigate those conversations, because sometimes we have this fear of, oh, they might not like me or they may judge me or they may think I’m weird. And so being able to confide in a trusted adult, to be able to express your concerns and maybe help them allow them to help you navigate how to how to have those conversations in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing teen dating violence with therapist Joelle Shipp. How big of a role does just wanting to fit in or acceptance play in potentially ending up in a violent or abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: It can definitely play a big part. One big milestone in a team’s life is kind of having that first boyfriend or first girlfriend or like interest. And so a lot of times teenagers can feel left out if they’re not dating. And that’s one good thing to know that everyone does not date and it’s OK to not be in a dating relationship. What’s really important is that you just have really positive relationships in your life, whether that’s with your friends, with your families or with a dating partner. There’s a lot of pressures that come from the outside in being in a relationship. I can think about when I was a teenager and hearing the comments of, oh, you both look so great together or you play basketball and she cheers? That’s great. You are just the perfect couple. And so there’s a lot of pressures sometimes from teen groups just because there’s this clique or there’s this connection that makes you look great. And sometimes teens don’t want to maybe communicate those concerns. And so they feel those pressures just to make it seem like everything’s going fine. They’re happy, they get along just well when there could really be some emotional abuse going on or some verbal abuse. But because everyone thinks things are great, let’s just try to keep and hold up that status in that popularity.

Gabe Howard: You are right, there’s an awful lot of pressure when it comes to being a teenager. I know from teaching teen suicide prevention that one of the things that we talk about is how adults are just so quick to dismiss the concerns of teenagers, because as adults, we now understand that it’s really not all that important when a teenager says, oh, I’ve lost my significant other, and as an adult, we’re thinking, well, you’ll meet somebody else. And, you know, we have a mortgage and a job and children and all the pressures that come with adulthood, we’re really, really quick to dismiss their concerns. But for them, that’s really kind of it. Right? This is one of the most adult things that they’ve ever done, been in a relationship with another person. Do you think that adults having this kind of laissez-faire attitude toward teen relationships helps give cover to abuse and violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: You know, I would definitely agree, just as you were saying that, I couldn’t help but think you’re right, when we think of teenagers, a lot of the things that are most important to them right now is probably their school, their friends, and whether they’re dating or not, you know it might be some sports and activities and hobbies. But that’s the grand scope of their life. And whenever we become adults, like you said, Gabe, we can kind of brush over those things that seem so minute, because now that we’re an adult, we think, oh, my gosh, there’s all these other things that you’re going to have to be concerned about at some point in your life. These are so little. And so it is so important that especially if you have that relationship with your teen and they’re bringing up those concerns to really validate how they’re feeling, even if you don’t feel like it’s the biggest deal, because what’s really important to them is what they’re going through and experiencing right there. And we don’t ever want to create an environment where our teens don’t feel like they can come and talk to us, especially if they’re expressing some concerns that might be happening in their relationship.

Gabe Howard: I can really see how if when you break up with your first significant other, you go to the adults in your life and they just completely ignore it, that you would be a lot less likely to want to go to the adults in your life to ask relationship questions like is it normal to be insulted or is it normal to be pushed? Or I feel manipulated because you feel that they’re already judging the relationship when something relatively common happened, because even adults have relationships that end. I can see where teenagers and parents just have a very tough time connecting on the topic of relationships, period. What can parents do to make sure that their children are empowered to bring these concerns or issues to them? Because as we’ve sort of been discussing, I don’t think that a lot of teenagers are asking mom and dad for relationship advice. And in order to be completely fair, I don’t think mom and dad are taking a lot of teenage relationships very seriously.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: No, I mean, that’s such a great point, so the advice that I would give to parents is to make sure that you’re aware of who your teen is dating and spending time with. It may be embarrassing to your teen, but it can make a difference to be able to maybe invite them over to the house for dinner. Or maybe if your family is doing a game night on a Friday night, say hey, how about you invite your friend over so that we can get to know them and you’re able to observe those relationships and just to be able to build a relationship with your teen and the person that they’re dating. Another thing you can do is definitely model healthy friendships and relationships for your children. A lot of times parents don’t think that their kids are watching them, but they’re watching every move and every move you make and they’re listening to everything you say. And so being really cognizant and aware of what you’re saying and doing because your teens can definitely model those things. Also making sure that you’re having a really healthy relationship with your teen, making sure that there’s open communication so they know they can come and talk to you about any and everything. Now, whether they do that, they may decide there are some things that they come and talk to you about and they don’t.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: But you don’t ever want them to feel like you cannot be a person that they can talk to openly and honestly with and being willing to listen. A lot of times as parents, we think that we know what’s best for the kids, don’t know anything or they’re not as well informed. But a lot of times we need to silence ourselves and hear from the child, how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And then one of the last things that I would share, which I think is really important, is to be relatable. So I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to overshare information as an adult with your child. But let them know about your experiences as a teenager and maybe even your dating experience. I can think about when I was probably about 14 or 15 and I was interested in a guy at school. My mom shared with me information about her own dating experience in high school, maybe some peer pressures here or there, or even positive aspects about their relationships. And it just made me feel like, wow, I’m not just in this alone, like my mom has been there, has done that and is giving me really good advice on how to navigate this relationship in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: It’s funny now that I’m an adult, I’m a middle aged man, I’m the same age that my parents were when they were listening to me describe how in love I was in high school and I have to give my parents credit. I imagine that they wanted to roll their eyes an awful lot, but if they did, I did not notice. And they listened. And I think that this helped me work out. I don’t want to say relationship issues because honestly, I’m not sure that I had them. And I don’t want to be so bold as to say that to your point, because my parents kept that honest communication. You know, I was expected to have my girlfriend over for dinner. She was allowed to go on trips. And these things really made me feel like my relationship was important. And again, I imagine that as adults, they did not think that relationship was important at all. And whether or not they were right is really irrelevant. And all of this kind of makes me wonder, is this one of the main things that helps stop teen dating violence before it starts? And what other things kind of go along with it? Because it seems like such a massive, massive problem.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I truly believe that it definitely can play a really big role in eliminating a lot of teen dating violence, especially if you have parents who are in healthy relationships and set boundaries within their relationships and set boundaries and expectations within the family dynamics, then that’s something that’s already being modeled for you. And so a lot of times you’re probably maybe easier able to point out when something just doesn’t seem right or someone says something to you and that just doesn’t seem right. If maybe one of your parents wouldn’t say that to another, your parents, you might question whether it’s appropriate for someone to be saying it to you. Just like we were talking about before. It’s still important for adults to be aware, to not just take a backseat into these relationships, like you shared, that may seem like they’re not really important or they’re not going to last because they are important to your teen. And it can really help avoid a lot of the teen dating violence that we’re seeing today.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so very much, I really appreciate all of your advice and for talking this out with me and the information that you have is incredible. Do you have any last words, especially for parents? Because I know that our audience is not made up of a lot of teenagers, but I know that there are a lot of parents and there’s a lot of people who have teenagers in their lives. What information would you like to impart to them to make sure that they understand?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think my key takeaway for parents and adults would just be to play an active role in your child’s life, especially in their teenage years. I think it’s always great when teenagers have a great relationship with their parents and actually want to spend time with them. But I know that it also can be challenging when you have that teen that kind of withdraws from that relationship, but always putting in the effort and that ability to try to connect with them in a way that’s meaningful for them and meaningful for you can just help foster a really good, healthy relationship. And it can also make a really big impact on the different types of relationships that they will have throughout their life.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so much for being on the show. Where can our listeners find you?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, so I am listed on the Psychology Today profile, you can find me at Joelle Ship and you can see where I practice and a lot of my specialties.

Gabe Howard: Thank you, Joelle, so much for being on the show and to all of our listeners, please subscribe rank and review wherever you downloaded this podcast, and please share us on social media. And when you do, use your words. Tell folks why they should listen. And don’t be afraid to share us in email, the public setting or wherever people are discussing awesome podcasts like ours. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

  Podcast: Dating Violence in Young Adults syndicated from

[whorchataaa]

Podcast: Dating Violence in Young Adults

Teen dating isn’t always innocent puppy love. Some young people can get involved in emotionally abusive or even violent relationships. How common is this? What are some of the signs of teen dating violence and how can family and friends help?

In today’s show, counselor Joelle Shipp explains why young people can end up in these kinds of situations and how they can get out of them. She also shares the 3 components of healthy relationships.

We want to hear from you — Please fill out our listener survey by clicking the graphic above!

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

  Guest information for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Podcast Episode

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC earned her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Appalachian State University in Boone, NC with a concentration in Marriage and Family Counseling. She received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC) in the state of North Carolina and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors. Joelle knows that different seasons of life bring different challenges. She became a therapist in order to support people through those challenges, recognizing that it is helpful to have support during these seasons. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. Joelle prioritizes creating a safe, validating and encouraging space for clients. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. She knows it is important that everyone is able to access mental health care so that they can be their best versions of themselves and she deeply loves being able to watch people build up the courage to truly care for themselves.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central podcast. Calling into the show today we have Joelle Shipp MA, LCMH. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. Joelle, welcome to the show.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here.

Gabe Howard: Well, thank you so much, Joelle. I’m very excited to have you. And today we’re going to discuss teen dating violence. Now, why specifically are we focusing on teen dating violence rather than just dating violence or adult dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence can occur in adults as well, but oftentimes our relationships tend to form in our teenage years. So whether that’s friendship or whether that’s romantic relationships.

Gabe Howard: What exactly is the definition of teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So teen dating violence can be any form of violence that takes place in a dating relationship. That can include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse.

Gabe Howard: In my mind, when I first heard you say teen dating violence, I’m immediately thinking physical violence, you know, somebody was punched, pushed. There was some physical contact with the other person. But in your definition, you talked about like emotional violence. Can you sort of separate those out of why that’s an issue? Because, myself included, the way that I was raised, I get kind of a sticks and stones may break your bones kind of feeling. And I know that’s not accurate.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yeah, so when you ask about that, some examples can be name calling or someone being made fun of or feeling stupid or worthless, and it can also look like manipulation, too. And so oftentimes, like you said, we think of violence and we think physical, but that can be in a mental and emotional way as well.

Gabe Howard: How big of a problem is teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence actually affects millions of teens each year. There’s been studies that show that at least 43% of dating college women report experiencing some type of violence in their relationships. And then when we even think about the LGBTQ community that more than 40% have actually reported being in an abusive relationship.

Gabe Howard: There can be a bad relationship, a negative relationship, a relationship that’s not good, that’s not abusive, right? Because trying to think about like my own development, you know, when I was in high school, I was in “bad relationships.” And I’m making air quotes because they weren’t abusive. We didn’t call each other names. There was no manipulation. But when we broke up, my parents were like, oh, thank God you did not bring out the best in each other. And I didn’t really understand that until I became an adult. I guess I’m trying to tease out the difference between an abusive relationship and a bad relationship.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So bad relationships, kind of like you were sharing, is that they don’t bring out the best in us sometimes, maybe our moods may change, our behaviors may change. How we decide to start treating others may change. But when we start seeing abusive relationships that definitely tends to take an emotional impact on us, it can affect our self-esteem, it can affect our moods, whether we may start to experience like depression or some anxiety whenever we’re in abusive relationships, we may avoid doing some of the things that we used to enjoy because we may fear that, oh, my partner is going to say something or they might start to feel like they have some control over us to where we’re not able to live our lives in a normal and healthy way.

Gabe Howard: I’m curious as to why somebody would want to abuse their partner, because it just seems so, it just doesn’t seem like something that somebody would want to do. But we know that it happens. And as you said, it’s somewhat common.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Oftentimes, whenever we’re talking about a partner being abusive, often they’re trying to gain some power and control over a person, they may feel out of control in other areas of their life. And so to gain some of that control, they may start to attempt that in their relationships. Also, times poor or unhealthy relationships have been modeled. So maybe say you have an individual who saw their parents fight or maybe they had a parent that was dating a lot of people who are maybe abusive in an emotional way or a physical way. And they may start to think that that’s OK.

Gabe Howard: When I think about any type of dating violence, whether it’s teen dating violence or adult dating violence, I always think that the male is the aggressor, that they’re the problem. But we know that females can contribute to dating violence as well. Is that true?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, that is very true. So a lot of times in our society, we see the male, the masculine, as maybe the aggressor, the person that is doing the abuse in these relationships. But we also do know that women can be not only emotionally abusive, but also verbally and physically abusive in relationships as well. And then when we also consider relationships that are non heterosexual, that individual, regardless of how they identify, can also be the abusive partner.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Joelle. Let’s talk about when somebody leaves an abusive relationship, does the abuse immediately end because the relationship has been severed?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Definitely not. Sometimes, and I always think it’s great whenever that person decides that they do not want to be a part of this relationship that’s causing them stress, anxiety, depression, the aggressor can continue to reach out to that person. They may even start to make threats of, if you leave me, I will do this. And so what’s always really important is to make sure that you have that safety support around you. So whether that’s friends or family, and sometimes that even means getting law enforcement involved just to make sure that you’re in a safe situation to leave that environment. You always want to make sure that you have the resources to keep yourself safe.

Gabe Howard: One of the interesting things that you said there is that we should rely on our friends and family if we’re trying to get out of an abusive relationship. What advice do you have for friends and family who are trying to help their loved ones who may be in an abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: When we consider abusive relationships, oftentimes people will try to leave those relationships more than once, and you’re the person who’s on the outside looking in and so you see that it’s an unhealthy relationship. You want your loved one to get out. And so I would just share patience is really key, obviously always expressing concern, but making sure that you recognize that that person may say they want to leave, may even attempt to once or twice or three times. But just making sure that you’re able to be present and maybe taking that space to allow them to make the decision for themselves, but also to try to be there for them whenever they do build up that confidence and that courage to get out for good.

Gabe Howard: Along the same lines, what are some signs that a teen might be experiencing dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: One of the big things is that you might see some behavior or mood changes that could look like lying, stealing or maybe even isolating themselves from people or activities they used to like to do, they might start to experience anxiety about being around their partner for fear of they might say something wrong or they might do something wrong or they might look at somebody and it may imply something that they don’t mean. Another sign to look out for is even some substance use. So if your teen starts to use alcohol or drugs, oftentimes that can be a numbing from the pain that they’re experiencing or maybe even a distraction from the abuse. And then one big thing is that they may start to express some suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, whether that’s thoughts or feelings of not wanting to be there because they feel like I just want to escape, I want to avoid this pain from this abusive relationship, or they may start to get feelings of hatred or anger towards their partner and have thoughts of wanting to harm them.

Gabe Howard: How does a teenager keep safe in a dating relationship? What signs should they look out for?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: The one thing that’s really important for anyone when you’re getting into a relationship is it’s really important to know who you are as an individual, your likes, your interests, know your values, and then also making sure that you’re creating positive self-esteem for yourself so that you’re able to know when someone is treating you in a way that you don’t want to be treated. I would hope that a lot of us have a good idea of I want to be treated with respect or kindness, I don’t want anyone to talk negative about me or say words that make me feel bad about myself. And whenever you’ve got that confidence in you, you’re less likely to allow other people to say those things to you. I think it’s also helpful to make sure that to foster open communication with your partner and so setting healthy rules and expectations within your relationship and also understanding not only your boundaries, but their boundaries as well, and then also making sure that you have trusted friends or family members and that you can discuss potential concerns with. It’s always helpful to be able to have someone that you trust. If you have a concern and you’re like, you know, I’m not sure about this, or they may be said that, what do you think? Just to kind of get some feedback on concerns you may have within your relationship?

Gabe Howard: I like that, I like that a lot and to sort of change gears just a little bit, I think that maybe a lot of teenagers don’t understand what components make a healthy relationship. I mean, we’re young at that age, we’re new, we’re experiencing things. And I think that maybe, I think that maybe there’s a lot of teenagers that don’t understand that this is unhealthy. And I know that there’s three important components that make up a healthy relationship. Can you talk about those for a moment?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, one is communication, it’s always important to have a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, and whenever you’re doing it in a healthy way, you don’t have any fear that you’ll be harmed in a physical, verbal or emotional way. Another thing that’s also important is being able to have respect not only for yourself, but for the other person. And so a lot of times in relationships, you know, there’s these common things that we have to like everything. We have to fit in like two peas in a pod. But oftentimes we have very different views and opinions about certain things. And it’s not always necessary to agree on everything, but it’s important to compromise in some situations or be able to respect those differences. And then the last one that I would share is making sure that you have care for that person. And so knowing that that person cares for you, that they have no intentions of harming you in any way. And a lot of times that this is shown not only by their words, but by their actions, because we can say a lot of talk, but our actions prove our true intentions for other people.

Gabe Howard: Specifically speaking about teens, and I know this is kind of a difficult question to answer, because, of course, you can’t be in the mind of every teenager, but why do you think that teenagers end up in abusive or violent relationships?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think that teens can often end up in these relationships, one, because they’re still trying to learn and understand themselves. It’s important to be able to communicate your likes and interest, but also those concerns as well. And sometimes teens may not know the words or know the best way to navigate those conversations, because sometimes we have this fear of, oh, they might not like me or they may judge me or they may think I’m weird. And so being able to confide in a trusted adult, to be able to express your concerns and maybe help them allow them to help you navigate how to how to have those conversations in a healthy way.

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Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing teen dating violence with therapist Joelle Shipp. How big of a role does just wanting to fit in or acceptance play in potentially ending up in a violent or abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: It can definitely play a big part. One big milestone in a team’s life is kind of having that first boyfriend or first girlfriend or like interest. And so a lot of times teenagers can feel left out if they’re not dating. And that’s one good thing to know that everyone does not date and it’s OK to not be in a dating relationship. What’s really important is that you just have really positive relationships in your life, whether that’s with your friends, with your families or with a dating partner. There’s a lot of pressures that come from the outside in being in a relationship. I can think about when I was a teenager and hearing the comments of, oh, you both look so great together or you play basketball and she cheers? That’s great. You are just the perfect couple. And so there’s a lot of pressures sometimes from teen groups just because there’s this clique or there’s this connection that makes you look great. And sometimes teens don’t want to maybe communicate those concerns. And so they feel those pressures just to make it seem like everything’s going fine. They’re happy, they get along just well when there could really be some emotional abuse going on or some verbal abuse. But because everyone thinks things are great, let’s just try to keep and hold up that status in that popularity.

Gabe Howard: You are right, there’s an awful lot of pressure when it comes to being a teenager. I know from teaching teen suicide prevention that one of the things that we talk about is how adults are just so quick to dismiss the concerns of teenagers, because as adults, we now understand that it’s really not all that important when a teenager says, oh, I’ve lost my significant other, and as an adult, we’re thinking, well, you’ll meet somebody else. And, you know, we have a mortgage and a job and children and all the pressures that come with adulthood, we’re really, really quick to dismiss their concerns. But for them, that’s really kind of it. Right? This is one of the most adult things that they’ve ever done, been in a relationship with another person. Do you think that adults having this kind of laissez-faire attitude toward teen relationships helps give cover to abuse and violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: You know, I would definitely agree, just as you were saying that, I couldn’t help but think you’re right, when we think of teenagers, a lot of the things that are most important to them right now is probably their school, their friends, and whether they’re dating or not, you know it might be some sports and activities and hobbies. But that’s the grand scope of their life. And whenever we become adults, like you said, Gabe, we can kind of brush over those things that seem so minute, because now that we’re an adult, we think, oh, my gosh, there’s all these other things that you’re going to have to be concerned about at some point in your life. These are so little. And so it is so important that especially if you have that relationship with your teen and they’re bringing up those concerns to really validate how they’re feeling, even if you don’t feel like it’s the biggest deal, because what’s really important to them is what they’re going through and experiencing right there. And we don’t ever want to create an environment where our teens don’t feel like they can come and talk to us, especially if they’re expressing some concerns that might be happening in their relationship.

Gabe Howard: I can really see how if when you break up with your first significant other, you go to the adults in your life and they just completely ignore it, that you would be a lot less likely to want to go to the adults in your life to ask relationship questions like is it normal to be insulted or is it normal to be pushed? Or I feel manipulated because you feel that they’re already judging the relationship when something relatively common happened, because even adults have relationships that end. I can see where teenagers and parents just have a very tough time connecting on the topic of relationships, period. What can parents do to make sure that their children are empowered to bring these concerns or issues to them? Because as we’ve sort of been discussing, I don’t think that a lot of teenagers are asking mom and dad for relationship advice. And in order to be completely fair, I don’t think mom and dad are taking a lot of teenage relationships very seriously.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: No, I mean, that’s such a great point, so the advice that I would give to parents is to make sure that you’re aware of who your teen is dating and spending time with. It may be embarrassing to your teen, but it can make a difference to be able to maybe invite them over to the house for dinner. Or maybe if your family is doing a game night on a Friday night, say hey, how about you invite your friend over so that we can get to know them and you’re able to observe those relationships and just to be able to build a relationship with your teen and the person that they’re dating. Another thing you can do is definitely model healthy friendships and relationships for your children. A lot of times parents don’t think that their kids are watching them, but they’re watching every move and every move you make and they’re listening to everything you say. And so being really cognizant and aware of what you’re saying and doing because your teens can definitely model those things. Also making sure that you’re having a really healthy relationship with your teen, making sure that there’s open communication so they know they can come and talk to you about any and everything. Now, whether they do that, they may decide there are some things that they come and talk to you about and they don’t.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: But you don’t ever want them to feel like you cannot be a person that they can talk to openly and honestly with and being willing to listen. A lot of times as parents, we think that we know what’s best for the kids, don’t know anything or they’re not as well informed. But a lot of times we need to silence ourselves and hear from the child, how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And then one of the last things that I would share, which I think is really important, is to be relatable. So I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to overshare information as an adult with your child. But let them know about your experiences as a teenager and maybe even your dating experience. I can think about when I was probably about 14 or 15 and I was interested in a guy at school. My mom shared with me information about her own dating experience in high school, maybe some peer pressures here or there, or even positive aspects about their relationships. And it just made me feel like, wow, I’m not just in this alone, like my mom has been there, has done that and is giving me really good advice on how to navigate this relationship in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: It’s funny now that I’m an adult, I’m a middle aged man, I’m the same age that my parents were when they were listening to me describe how in love I was in high school and I have to give my parents credit. I imagine that they wanted to roll their eyes an awful lot, but if they did, I did not notice. And they listened. And I think that this helped me work out. I don’t want to say relationship issues because honestly, I’m not sure that I had them. And I don’t want to be so bold as to say that to your point, because my parents kept that honest communication. You know, I was expected to have my girlfriend over for dinner. She was allowed to go on trips. And these things really made me feel like my relationship was important. And again, I imagine that as adults, they did not think that relationship was important at all. And whether or not they were right is really irrelevant. And all of this kind of makes me wonder, is this one of the main things that helps stop teen dating violence before it starts? And what other things kind of go along with it? Because it seems like such a massive, massive problem.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I truly believe that it definitely can play a really big role in eliminating a lot of teen dating violence, especially if you have parents who are in healthy relationships and set boundaries within their relationships and set boundaries and expectations within the family dynamics, then that’s something that’s already being modeled for you. And so a lot of times you’re probably maybe easier able to point out when something just doesn’t seem right or someone says something to you and that just doesn’t seem right. If maybe one of your parents wouldn’t say that to another, your parents, you might question whether it’s appropriate for someone to be saying it to you. Just like we were talking about before. It’s still important for adults to be aware, to not just take a backseat into these relationships, like you shared, that may seem like they’re not really important or they’re not going to last because they are important to your teen. And it can really help avoid a lot of the teen dating violence that we’re seeing today.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so very much, I really appreciate all of your advice and for talking this out with me and the information that you have is incredible. Do you have any last words, especially for parents? Because I know that our audience is not made up of a lot of teenagers, but I know that there are a lot of parents and there’s a lot of people who have teenagers in their lives. What information would you like to impart to them to make sure that they understand?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think my key takeaway for parents and adults would just be to play an active role in your child’s life, especially in their teenage years. I think it’s always great when teenagers have a great relationship with their parents and actually want to spend time with them. But I know that it also can be challenging when you have that teen that kind of withdraws from that relationship, but always putting in the effort and that ability to try to connect with them in a way that’s meaningful for them and meaningful for you can just help foster a really good, healthy relationship. And it can also make a really big impact on the different types of relationships that they will have throughout their life.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so much for being on the show. Where can our listeners find you?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, so I am listed on the Psychology Today profile, you can find me at Joelle Ship and you can see where I practice and a lot of my specialties.

Gabe Howard: Thank you, Joelle, so much for being on the show and to all of our listeners, please subscribe rank and review wherever you downloaded this podcast, and please share us on social media. And when you do, use your words. Tell folks why they should listen. And don’t be afraid to share us in email, the public setting or wherever people are discussing awesome podcasts like ours. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

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Podcast: Dating Violence in Young Adults

Teen dating isn’t always innocent puppy love. Some young people can get involved in emotionally abusive or even violent relationships. How common is this? What are some of the signs of teen dating violence and how can family and friends help?

In today’s show, counselor Joelle Shipp explains why young people can end up in these kinds of situations and how they can get out of them. She also shares the 3 components of healthy relationships.

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  Guest information for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Podcast Episode

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC earned her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Appalachian State University in Boone, NC with a concentration in Marriage and Family Counseling. She received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC) in the state of North Carolina and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors. Joelle knows that different seasons of life bring different challenges. She became a therapist in order to support people through those challenges, recognizing that it is helpful to have support during these seasons. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. Joelle prioritizes creating a safe, validating and encouraging space for clients. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. She knows it is important that everyone is able to access mental health care so that they can be their best versions of themselves and she deeply loves being able to watch people build up the courage to truly care for themselves.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central podcast. Calling into the show today we have Joelle Shipp MA, LCMH. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. Joelle, welcome to the show.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here.

Gabe Howard: Well, thank you so much, Joelle. I’m very excited to have you. And today we’re going to discuss teen dating violence. Now, why specifically are we focusing on teen dating violence rather than just dating violence or adult dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence can occur in adults as well, but oftentimes our relationships tend to form in our teenage years. So whether that’s friendship or whether that’s romantic relationships.

Gabe Howard: What exactly is the definition of teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So teen dating violence can be any form of violence that takes place in a dating relationship. That can include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse.

Gabe Howard: In my mind, when I first heard you say teen dating violence, I’m immediately thinking physical violence, you know, somebody was punched, pushed. There was some physical contact with the other person. But in your definition, you talked about like emotional violence. Can you sort of separate those out of why that’s an issue? Because, myself included, the way that I was raised, I get kind of a sticks and stones may break your bones kind of feeling. And I know that’s not accurate.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yeah, so when you ask about that, some examples can be name calling or someone being made fun of or feeling stupid or worthless, and it can also look like manipulation, too. And so oftentimes, like you said, we think of violence and we think physical, but that can be in a mental and emotional way as well.

Gabe Howard: How big of a problem is teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence actually affects millions of teens each year. There’s been studies that show that at least 43% of dating college women report experiencing some type of violence in their relationships. And then when we even think about the LGBTQ community that more than 40% have actually reported being in an abusive relationship.

Gabe Howard: There can be a bad relationship, a negative relationship, a relationship that’s not good, that’s not abusive, right? Because trying to think about like my own development, you know, when I was in high school, I was in “bad relationships.” And I’m making air quotes because they weren’t abusive. We didn’t call each other names. There was no manipulation. But when we broke up, my parents were like, oh, thank God you did not bring out the best in each other. And I didn’t really understand that until I became an adult. I guess I’m trying to tease out the difference between an abusive relationship and a bad relationship.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So bad relationships, kind of like you were sharing, is that they don’t bring out the best in us sometimes, maybe our moods may change, our behaviors may change. How we decide to start treating others may change. But when we start seeing abusive relationships that definitely tends to take an emotional impact on us, it can affect our self-esteem, it can affect our moods, whether we may start to experience like depression or some anxiety whenever we’re in abusive relationships, we may avoid doing some of the things that we used to enjoy because we may fear that, oh, my partner is going to say something or they might start to feel like they have some control over us to where we’re not able to live our lives in a normal and healthy way.

Gabe Howard: I’m curious as to why somebody would want to abuse their partner, because it just seems so, it just doesn’t seem like something that somebody would want to do. But we know that it happens. And as you said, it’s somewhat common.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Oftentimes, whenever we’re talking about a partner being abusive, often they’re trying to gain some power and control over a person, they may feel out of control in other areas of their life. And so to gain some of that control, they may start to attempt that in their relationships. Also, times poor or unhealthy relationships have been modeled. So maybe say you have an individual who saw their parents fight or maybe they had a parent that was dating a lot of people who are maybe abusive in an emotional way or a physical way. And they may start to think that that’s OK.

Gabe Howard: When I think about any type of dating violence, whether it’s teen dating violence or adult dating violence, I always think that the male is the aggressor, that they’re the problem. But we know that females can contribute to dating violence as well. Is that true?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, that is very true. So a lot of times in our society, we see the male, the masculine, as maybe the aggressor, the person that is doing the abuse in these relationships. But we also do know that women can be not only emotionally abusive, but also verbally and physically abusive in relationships as well. And then when we also consider relationships that are non heterosexual, that individual, regardless of how they identify, can also be the abusive partner.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Joelle. Let’s talk about when somebody leaves an abusive relationship, does the abuse immediately end because the relationship has been severed?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Definitely not. Sometimes, and I always think it’s great whenever that person decides that they do not want to be a part of this relationship that’s causing them stress, anxiety, depression, the aggressor can continue to reach out to that person. They may even start to make threats of, if you leave me, I will do this. And so what’s always really important is to make sure that you have that safety support around you. So whether that’s friends or family, and sometimes that even means getting law enforcement involved just to make sure that you’re in a safe situation to leave that environment. You always want to make sure that you have the resources to keep yourself safe.

Gabe Howard: One of the interesting things that you said there is that we should rely on our friends and family if we’re trying to get out of an abusive relationship. What advice do you have for friends and family who are trying to help their loved ones who may be in an abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: When we consider abusive relationships, oftentimes people will try to leave those relationships more than once, and you’re the person who’s on the outside looking in and so you see that it’s an unhealthy relationship. You want your loved one to get out. And so I would just share patience is really key, obviously always expressing concern, but making sure that you recognize that that person may say they want to leave, may even attempt to once or twice or three times. But just making sure that you’re able to be present and maybe taking that space to allow them to make the decision for themselves, but also to try to be there for them whenever they do build up that confidence and that courage to get out for good.

Gabe Howard: Along the same lines, what are some signs that a teen might be experiencing dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: One of the big things is that you might see some behavior or mood changes that could look like lying, stealing or maybe even isolating themselves from people or activities they used to like to do, they might start to experience anxiety about being around their partner for fear of they might say something wrong or they might do something wrong or they might look at somebody and it may imply something that they don’t mean. Another sign to look out for is even some substance use. So if your teen starts to use alcohol or drugs, oftentimes that can be a numbing from the pain that they’re experiencing or maybe even a distraction from the abuse. And then one big thing is that they may start to express some suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, whether that’s thoughts or feelings of not wanting to be there because they feel like I just want to escape, I want to avoid this pain from this abusive relationship, or they may start to get feelings of hatred or anger towards their partner and have thoughts of wanting to harm them.

Gabe Howard: How does a teenager keep safe in a dating relationship? What signs should they look out for?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: The one thing that’s really important for anyone when you’re getting into a relationship is it’s really important to know who you are as an individual, your likes, your interests, know your values, and then also making sure that you’re creating positive self-esteem for yourself so that you’re able to know when someone is treating you in a way that you don’t want to be treated. I would hope that a lot of us have a good idea of I want to be treated with respect or kindness, I don’t want anyone to talk negative about me or say words that make me feel bad about myself. And whenever you’ve got that confidence in you, you’re less likely to allow other people to say those things to you. I think it’s also helpful to make sure that to foster open communication with your partner and so setting healthy rules and expectations within your relationship and also understanding not only your boundaries, but their boundaries as well, and then also making sure that you have trusted friends or family members and that you can discuss potential concerns with. It’s always helpful to be able to have someone that you trust. If you have a concern and you’re like, you know, I’m not sure about this, or they may be said that, what do you think? Just to kind of get some feedback on concerns you may have within your relationship?

Gabe Howard: I like that, I like that a lot and to sort of change gears just a little bit, I think that maybe a lot of teenagers don’t understand what components make a healthy relationship. I mean, we’re young at that age, we’re new, we’re experiencing things. And I think that maybe, I think that maybe there’s a lot of teenagers that don’t understand that this is unhealthy. And I know that there’s three important components that make up a healthy relationship. Can you talk about those for a moment?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, one is communication, it’s always important to have a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, and whenever you’re doing it in a healthy way, you don’t have any fear that you’ll be harmed in a physical, verbal or emotional way. Another thing that’s also important is being able to have respect not only for yourself, but for the other person. And so a lot of times in relationships, you know, there’s these common things that we have to like everything. We have to fit in like two peas in a pod. But oftentimes we have very different views and opinions about certain things. And it’s not always necessary to agree on everything, but it’s important to compromise in some situations or be able to respect those differences. And then the last one that I would share is making sure that you have care for that person. And so knowing that that person cares for you, that they have no intentions of harming you in any way. And a lot of times that this is shown not only by their words, but by their actions, because we can say a lot of talk, but our actions prove our true intentions for other people.

Gabe Howard: Specifically speaking about teens, and I know this is kind of a difficult question to answer, because, of course, you can’t be in the mind of every teenager, but why do you think that teenagers end up in abusive or violent relationships?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think that teens can often end up in these relationships, one, because they’re still trying to learn and understand themselves. It’s important to be able to communicate your likes and interest, but also those concerns as well. And sometimes teens may not know the words or know the best way to navigate those conversations, because sometimes we have this fear of, oh, they might not like me or they may judge me or they may think I’m weird. And so being able to confide in a trusted adult, to be able to express your concerns and maybe help them allow them to help you navigate how to how to have those conversations in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing teen dating violence with therapist Joelle Shipp. How big of a role does just wanting to fit in or acceptance play in potentially ending up in a violent or abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: It can definitely play a big part. One big milestone in a team’s life is kind of having that first boyfriend or first girlfriend or like interest. And so a lot of times teenagers can feel left out if they’re not dating. And that’s one good thing to know that everyone does not date and it’s OK to not be in a dating relationship. What’s really important is that you just have really positive relationships in your life, whether that’s with your friends, with your families or with a dating partner. There’s a lot of pressures that come from the outside in being in a relationship. I can think about when I was a teenager and hearing the comments of, oh, you both look so great together or you play basketball and she cheers? That’s great. You are just the perfect couple. And so there’s a lot of pressures sometimes from teen groups just because there’s this clique or there’s this connection that makes you look great. And sometimes teens don’t want to maybe communicate those concerns. And so they feel those pressures just to make it seem like everything’s going fine. They’re happy, they get along just well when there could really be some emotional abuse going on or some verbal abuse. But because everyone thinks things are great, let’s just try to keep and hold up that status in that popularity.

Gabe Howard: You are right, there’s an awful lot of pressure when it comes to being a teenager. I know from teaching teen suicide prevention that one of the things that we talk about is how adults are just so quick to dismiss the concerns of teenagers, because as adults, we now understand that it’s really not all that important when a teenager says, oh, I’ve lost my significant other, and as an adult, we’re thinking, well, you’ll meet somebody else. And, you know, we have a mortgage and a job and children and all the pressures that come with adulthood, we’re really, really quick to dismiss their concerns. But for them, that’s really kind of it. Right? This is one of the most adult things that they’ve ever done, been in a relationship with another person. Do you think that adults having this kind of laissez-faire attitude toward teen relationships helps give cover to abuse and violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: You know, I would definitely agree, just as you were saying that, I couldn’t help but think you’re right, when we think of teenagers, a lot of the things that are most important to them right now is probably their school, their friends, and whether they’re dating or not, you know it might be some sports and activities and hobbies. But that’s the grand scope of their life. And whenever we become adults, like you said, Gabe, we can kind of brush over those things that seem so minute, because now that we’re an adult, we think, oh, my gosh, there’s all these other things that you’re going to have to be concerned about at some point in your life. These are so little. And so it is so important that especially if you have that relationship with your teen and they’re bringing up those concerns to really validate how they’re feeling, even if you don’t feel like it’s the biggest deal, because what’s really important to them is what they’re going through and experiencing right there. And we don’t ever want to create an environment where our teens don’t feel like they can come and talk to us, especially if they’re expressing some concerns that might be happening in their relationship.

Gabe Howard: I can really see how if when you break up with your first significant other, you go to the adults in your life and they just completely ignore it, that you would be a lot less likely to want to go to the adults in your life to ask relationship questions like is it normal to be insulted or is it normal to be pushed? Or I feel manipulated because you feel that they’re already judging the relationship when something relatively common happened, because even adults have relationships that end. I can see where teenagers and parents just have a very tough time connecting on the topic of relationships, period. What can parents do to make sure that their children are empowered to bring these concerns or issues to them? Because as we’ve sort of been discussing, I don’t think that a lot of teenagers are asking mom and dad for relationship advice. And in order to be completely fair, I don’t think mom and dad are taking a lot of teenage relationships very seriously.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: No, I mean, that’s such a great point, so the advice that I would give to parents is to make sure that you’re aware of who your teen is dating and spending time with. It may be embarrassing to your teen, but it can make a difference to be able to maybe invite them over to the house for dinner. Or maybe if your family is doing a game night on a Friday night, say hey, how about you invite your friend over so that we can get to know them and you’re able to observe those relationships and just to be able to build a relationship with your teen and the person that they’re dating. Another thing you can do is definitely model healthy friendships and relationships for your children. A lot of times parents don’t think that their kids are watching them, but they’re watching every move and every move you make and they’re listening to everything you say. And so being really cognizant and aware of what you’re saying and doing because your teens can definitely model those things. Also making sure that you’re having a really healthy relationship with your teen, making sure that there’s open communication so they know they can come and talk to you about any and everything. Now, whether they do that, they may decide there are some things that they come and talk to you about and they don’t.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: But you don’t ever want them to feel like you cannot be a person that they can talk to openly and honestly with and being willing to listen. A lot of times as parents, we think that we know what’s best for the kids, don’t know anything or they’re not as well informed. But a lot of times we need to silence ourselves and hear from the child, how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And then one of the last things that I would share, which I think is really important, is to be relatable. So I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to overshare information as an adult with your child. But let them know about your experiences as a teenager and maybe even your dating experience. I can think about when I was probably about 14 or 15 and I was interested in a guy at school. My mom shared with me information about her own dating experience in high school, maybe some peer pressures here or there, or even positive aspects about their relationships. And it just made me feel like, wow, I’m not just in this alone, like my mom has been there, has done that and is giving me really good advice on how to navigate this relationship in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: It’s funny now that I’m an adult, I’m a middle aged man, I’m the same age that my parents were when they were listening to me describe how in love I was in high school and I have to give my parents credit. I imagine that they wanted to roll their eyes an awful lot, but if they did, I did not notice. And they listened. And I think that this helped me work out. I don’t want to say relationship issues because honestly, I’m not sure that I had them. And I don’t want to be so bold as to say that to your point, because my parents kept that honest communication. You know, I was expected to have my girlfriend over for dinner. She was allowed to go on trips. And these things really made me feel like my relationship was important. And again, I imagine that as adults, they did not think that relationship was important at all. And whether or not they were right is really irrelevant. And all of this kind of makes me wonder, is this one of the main things that helps stop teen dating violence before it starts? And what other things kind of go along with it? Because it seems like such a massive, massive problem.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I truly believe that it definitely can play a really big role in eliminating a lot of teen dating violence, especially if you have parents who are in healthy relationships and set boundaries within their relationships and set boundaries and expectations within the family dynamics, then that’s something that’s already being modeled for you. And so a lot of times you’re probably maybe easier able to point out when something just doesn’t seem right or someone says something to you and that just doesn’t seem right. If maybe one of your parents wouldn’t say that to another, your parents, you might question whether it’s appropriate for someone to be saying it to you. Just like we were talking about before. It’s still important for adults to be aware, to not just take a backseat into these relationships, like you shared, that may seem like they’re not really important or they’re not going to last because they are important to your teen. And it can really help avoid a lot of the teen dating violence that we’re seeing today.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so very much, I really appreciate all of your advice and for talking this out with me and the information that you have is incredible. Do you have any last words, especially for parents? Because I know that our audience is not made up of a lot of teenagers, but I know that there are a lot of parents and there’s a lot of people who have teenagers in their lives. What information would you like to impart to them to make sure that they understand?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think my key takeaway for parents and adults would just be to play an active role in your child’s life, especially in their teenage years. I think it’s always great when teenagers have a great relationship with their parents and actually want to spend time with them. But I know that it also can be challenging when you have that teen that kind of withdraws from that relationship, but always putting in the effort and that ability to try to connect with them in a way that’s meaningful for them and meaningful for you can just help foster a really good, healthy relationship. And it can also make a really big impact on the different types of relationships that they will have throughout their life.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so much for being on the show. Where can our listeners find you?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, so I am listed on the Psychology Today profile, you can find me at Joelle Ship and you can see where I practice and a lot of my specialties.

Gabe Howard: Thank you, Joelle, so much for being on the show and to all of our listeners, please subscribe rank and review wherever you downloaded this podcast, and please share us on social media. And when you do, use your words. Tell folks why they should listen. And don’t be afraid to share us in email, the public setting or wherever people are discussing awesome podcasts like ours. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

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Podcast: Dating Violence in Young Adults

Teen dating isn’t always innocent puppy love. Some young people can get involved in emotionally abusive or even violent relationships. How common is this? What are some of the signs of teen dating violence and how can family and friends help?

In today’s show, counselor Joelle Shipp explains why young people can end up in these kinds of situations and how they can get out of them. She also shares the 3 components of healthy relationships.

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  Guest information for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Podcast Episode

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC earned her Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Appalachian State University in Boone, NC with a concentration in Marriage and Family Counseling. She received a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC) in the state of North Carolina and is certified by the National Board of Certified Counselors. Joelle knows that different seasons of life bring different challenges. She became a therapist in order to support people through those challenges, recognizing that it is helpful to have support during these seasons. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. Joelle prioritizes creating a safe, validating and encouraging space for clients. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. She knows it is important that everyone is able to access mental health care so that they can be their best versions of themselves and she deeply loves being able to watch people build up the courage to truly care for themselves.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Joelle Shipp- Teen Dating Violence’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central podcast. Calling into the show today we have Joelle Shipp MA, LCMH. Joelle works with people to identify issues, process harmful thought patterns and develop healthy skills in order to gain freedom and build confidence. As a woman of color, she hopes that her identity encourages individuals who historically may not seek mental health services to take a leap of faith toward improving their mental health. Joelle, welcome to the show.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here.

Gabe Howard: Well, thank you so much, Joelle. I’m very excited to have you. And today we’re going to discuss teen dating violence. Now, why specifically are we focusing on teen dating violence rather than just dating violence or adult dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence can occur in adults as well, but oftentimes our relationships tend to form in our teenage years. So whether that’s friendship or whether that’s romantic relationships.

Gabe Howard: What exactly is the definition of teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So teen dating violence can be any form of violence that takes place in a dating relationship. That can include verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse or sexual abuse.

Gabe Howard: In my mind, when I first heard you say teen dating violence, I’m immediately thinking physical violence, you know, somebody was punched, pushed. There was some physical contact with the other person. But in your definition, you talked about like emotional violence. Can you sort of separate those out of why that’s an issue? Because, myself included, the way that I was raised, I get kind of a sticks and stones may break your bones kind of feeling. And I know that’s not accurate.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yeah, so when you ask about that, some examples can be name calling or someone being made fun of or feeling stupid or worthless, and it can also look like manipulation, too. And so oftentimes, like you said, we think of violence and we think physical, but that can be in a mental and emotional way as well.

Gabe Howard: How big of a problem is teen dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Dating violence actually affects millions of teens each year. There’s been studies that show that at least 43% of dating college women report experiencing some type of violence in their relationships. And then when we even think about the LGBTQ community that more than 40% have actually reported being in an abusive relationship.

Gabe Howard: There can be a bad relationship, a negative relationship, a relationship that’s not good, that’s not abusive, right? Because trying to think about like my own development, you know, when I was in high school, I was in “bad relationships.” And I’m making air quotes because they weren’t abusive. We didn’t call each other names. There was no manipulation. But when we broke up, my parents were like, oh, thank God you did not bring out the best in each other. And I didn’t really understand that until I became an adult. I guess I’m trying to tease out the difference between an abusive relationship and a bad relationship.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: So bad relationships, kind of like you were sharing, is that they don’t bring out the best in us sometimes, maybe our moods may change, our behaviors may change. How we decide to start treating others may change. But when we start seeing abusive relationships that definitely tends to take an emotional impact on us, it can affect our self-esteem, it can affect our moods, whether we may start to experience like depression or some anxiety whenever we’re in abusive relationships, we may avoid doing some of the things that we used to enjoy because we may fear that, oh, my partner is going to say something or they might start to feel like they have some control over us to where we’re not able to live our lives in a normal and healthy way.

Gabe Howard: I’m curious as to why somebody would want to abuse their partner, because it just seems so, it just doesn’t seem like something that somebody would want to do. But we know that it happens. And as you said, it’s somewhat common.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Oftentimes, whenever we’re talking about a partner being abusive, often they’re trying to gain some power and control over a person, they may feel out of control in other areas of their life. And so to gain some of that control, they may start to attempt that in their relationships. Also, times poor or unhealthy relationships have been modeled. So maybe say you have an individual who saw their parents fight or maybe they had a parent that was dating a lot of people who are maybe abusive in an emotional way or a physical way. And they may start to think that that’s OK.

Gabe Howard: When I think about any type of dating violence, whether it’s teen dating violence or adult dating violence, I always think that the male is the aggressor, that they’re the problem. But we know that females can contribute to dating violence as well. Is that true?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, that is very true. So a lot of times in our society, we see the male, the masculine, as maybe the aggressor, the person that is doing the abuse in these relationships. But we also do know that women can be not only emotionally abusive, but also verbally and physically abusive in relationships as well. And then when we also consider relationships that are non heterosexual, that individual, regardless of how they identify, can also be the abusive partner.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much, Joelle. Let’s talk about when somebody leaves an abusive relationship, does the abuse immediately end because the relationship has been severed?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Definitely not. Sometimes, and I always think it’s great whenever that person decides that they do not want to be a part of this relationship that’s causing them stress, anxiety, depression, the aggressor can continue to reach out to that person. They may even start to make threats of, if you leave me, I will do this. And so what’s always really important is to make sure that you have that safety support around you. So whether that’s friends or family, and sometimes that even means getting law enforcement involved just to make sure that you’re in a safe situation to leave that environment. You always want to make sure that you have the resources to keep yourself safe.

Gabe Howard: One of the interesting things that you said there is that we should rely on our friends and family if we’re trying to get out of an abusive relationship. What advice do you have for friends and family who are trying to help their loved ones who may be in an abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: When we consider abusive relationships, oftentimes people will try to leave those relationships more than once, and you’re the person who’s on the outside looking in and so you see that it’s an unhealthy relationship. You want your loved one to get out. And so I would just share patience is really key, obviously always expressing concern, but making sure that you recognize that that person may say they want to leave, may even attempt to once or twice or three times. But just making sure that you’re able to be present and maybe taking that space to allow them to make the decision for themselves, but also to try to be there for them whenever they do build up that confidence and that courage to get out for good.

Gabe Howard: Along the same lines, what are some signs that a teen might be experiencing dating violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: One of the big things is that you might see some behavior or mood changes that could look like lying, stealing or maybe even isolating themselves from people or activities they used to like to do, they might start to experience anxiety about being around their partner for fear of they might say something wrong or they might do something wrong or they might look at somebody and it may imply something that they don’t mean. Another sign to look out for is even some substance use. So if your teen starts to use alcohol or drugs, oftentimes that can be a numbing from the pain that they’re experiencing or maybe even a distraction from the abuse. And then one big thing is that they may start to express some suicidal ideation or homicidal ideation, whether that’s thoughts or feelings of not wanting to be there because they feel like I just want to escape, I want to avoid this pain from this abusive relationship, or they may start to get feelings of hatred or anger towards their partner and have thoughts of wanting to harm them.

Gabe Howard: How does a teenager keep safe in a dating relationship? What signs should they look out for?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: The one thing that’s really important for anyone when you’re getting into a relationship is it’s really important to know who you are as an individual, your likes, your interests, know your values, and then also making sure that you’re creating positive self-esteem for yourself so that you’re able to know when someone is treating you in a way that you don’t want to be treated. I would hope that a lot of us have a good idea of I want to be treated with respect or kindness, I don’t want anyone to talk negative about me or say words that make me feel bad about myself. And whenever you’ve got that confidence in you, you’re less likely to allow other people to say those things to you. I think it’s also helpful to make sure that to foster open communication with your partner and so setting healthy rules and expectations within your relationship and also understanding not only your boundaries, but their boundaries as well, and then also making sure that you have trusted friends or family members and that you can discuss potential concerns with. It’s always helpful to be able to have someone that you trust. If you have a concern and you’re like, you know, I’m not sure about this, or they may be said that, what do you think? Just to kind of get some feedback on concerns you may have within your relationship?

Gabe Howard: I like that, I like that a lot and to sort of change gears just a little bit, I think that maybe a lot of teenagers don’t understand what components make a healthy relationship. I mean, we’re young at that age, we’re new, we’re experiencing things. And I think that maybe, I think that maybe there’s a lot of teenagers that don’t understand that this is unhealthy. And I know that there’s three important components that make up a healthy relationship. Can you talk about those for a moment?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, one is communication, it’s always important to have a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way, and whenever you’re doing it in a healthy way, you don’t have any fear that you’ll be harmed in a physical, verbal or emotional way. Another thing that’s also important is being able to have respect not only for yourself, but for the other person. And so a lot of times in relationships, you know, there’s these common things that we have to like everything. We have to fit in like two peas in a pod. But oftentimes we have very different views and opinions about certain things. And it’s not always necessary to agree on everything, but it’s important to compromise in some situations or be able to respect those differences. And then the last one that I would share is making sure that you have care for that person. And so knowing that that person cares for you, that they have no intentions of harming you in any way. And a lot of times that this is shown not only by their words, but by their actions, because we can say a lot of talk, but our actions prove our true intentions for other people.

Gabe Howard: Specifically speaking about teens, and I know this is kind of a difficult question to answer, because, of course, you can’t be in the mind of every teenager, but why do you think that teenagers end up in abusive or violent relationships?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think that teens can often end up in these relationships, one, because they’re still trying to learn and understand themselves. It’s important to be able to communicate your likes and interest, but also those concerns as well. And sometimes teens may not know the words or know the best way to navigate those conversations, because sometimes we have this fear of, oh, they might not like me or they may judge me or they may think I’m weird. And so being able to confide in a trusted adult, to be able to express your concerns and maybe help them allow them to help you navigate how to how to have those conversations in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages from our sponsors.

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Gabe Howard: We’re back discussing teen dating violence with therapist Joelle Shipp. How big of a role does just wanting to fit in or acceptance play in potentially ending up in a violent or abusive relationship?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: It can definitely play a big part. One big milestone in a team’s life is kind of having that first boyfriend or first girlfriend or like interest. And so a lot of times teenagers can feel left out if they’re not dating. And that���s one good thing to know that everyone does not date and it’s OK to not be in a dating relationship. What’s really important is that you just have really positive relationships in your life, whether that’s with your friends, with your families or with a dating partner. There’s a lot of pressures that come from the outside in being in a relationship. I can think about when I was a teenager and hearing the comments of, oh, you both look so great together or you play basketball and she cheers? That’s great. You are just the perfect couple. And so there’s a lot of pressures sometimes from teen groups just because there’s this clique or there’s this connection that makes you look great. And sometimes teens don’t want to maybe communicate those concerns. And so they feel those pressures just to make it seem like everything’s going fine. They’re happy, they get along just well when there could really be some emotional abuse going on or some verbal abuse. But because everyone thinks things are great, let’s just try to keep and hold up that status in that popularity.

Gabe Howard: You are right, there’s an awful lot of pressure when it comes to being a teenager. I know from teaching teen suicide prevention that one of the things that we talk about is how adults are just so quick to dismiss the concerns of teenagers, because as adults, we now understand that it’s really not all that important when a teenager says, oh, I’ve lost my significant other, and as an adult, we’re thinking, well, you’ll meet somebody else. And, you know, we have a mortgage and a job and children and all the pressures that come with adulthood, we’re really, really quick to dismiss their concerns. But for them, that’s really kind of it. Right? This is one of the most adult things that they’ve ever done, been in a relationship with another person. Do you think that adults having this kind of laissez-faire attitude toward teen relationships helps give cover to abuse and violence?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: You know, I would definitely agree, just as you were saying that, I couldn’t help but think you’re right, when we think of teenagers, a lot of the things that are most important to them right now is probably their school, their friends, and whether they’re dating or not, you know it might be some sports and activities and hobbies. But that’s the grand scope of their life. And whenever we become adults, like you said, Gabe, we can kind of brush over those things that seem so minute, because now that we’re an adult, we think, oh, my gosh, there’s all these other things that you’re going to have to be concerned about at some point in your life. These are so little. And so it is so important that especially if you have that relationship with your teen and they’re bringing up those concerns to really validate how they’re feeling, even if you don’t feel like it’s the biggest deal, because what’s really important to them is what they’re going through and experiencing right there. And we don’t ever want to create an environment where our teens don’t feel like they can come and talk to us, especially if they’re expressing some concerns that might be happening in their relationship.

Gabe Howard: I can really see how if when you break up with your first significant other, you go to the adults in your life and they just completely ignore it, that you would be a lot less likely to want to go to the adults in your life to ask relationship questions like is it normal to be insulted or is it normal to be pushed? Or I feel manipulated because you feel that they’re already judging the relationship when something relatively common happened, because even adults have relationships that end. I can see where teenagers and parents just have a very tough time connecting on the topic of relationships, period. What can parents do to make sure that their children are empowered to bring these concerns or issues to them? Because as we’ve sort of been discussing, I don’t think that a lot of teenagers are asking mom and dad for relationship advice. And in order to be completely fair, I don’t think mom and dad are taking a lot of teenage relationships very seriously.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: No, I mean, that’s such a great point, so the advice that I would give to parents is to make sure that you’re aware of who your teen is dating and spending time with. It may be embarrassing to your teen, but it can make a difference to be able to maybe invite them over to the house for dinner. Or maybe if your family is doing a game night on a Friday night, say hey, how about you invite your friend over so that we can get to know them and you’re able to observe those relationships and just to be able to build a relationship with your teen and the person that they’re dating. Another thing you can do is definitely model healthy friendships and relationships for your children. A lot of times parents don’t think that their kids are watching them, but they’re watching every move and every move you make and they’re listening to everything you say. And so being really cognizant and aware of what you’re saying and doing because your teens can definitely model those things. Also making sure that you’re having a really healthy relationship with your teen, making sure that there’s open communication so they know they can come and talk to you about any and everything. Now, whether they do that, they may decide there are some things that they come and talk to you about and they don’t.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: But you don’t ever want them to feel like you cannot be a person that they can talk to openly and honestly with and being willing to listen. A lot of times as parents, we think that we know what’s best for the kids, don’t know anything or they’re not as well informed. But a lot of times we need to silence ourselves and hear from the child, how they’re feeling and what they’re thinking. And then one of the last things that I would share, which I think is really important, is to be relatable. So I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to overshare information as an adult with your child. But let them know about your experiences as a teenager and maybe even your dating experience. I can think about when I was probably about 14 or 15 and I was interested in a guy at school. My mom shared with me information about her own dating experience in high school, maybe some peer pressures here or there, or even positive aspects about their relationships. And it just made me feel like, wow, I’m not just in this alone, like my mom has been there, has done that and is giving me really good advice on how to navigate this relationship in a healthy way.

Gabe Howard: It’s funny now that I’m an adult, I’m a middle aged man, I’m the same age that my parents were when they were listening to me describe how in love I was in high school and I have to give my parents credit. I imagine that they wanted to roll their eyes an awful lot, but if they did, I did not notice. And they listened. And I think that this helped me work out. I don’t want to say relationship issues because honestly, I’m not sure that I had them. And I don’t want to be so bold as to say that to your point, because my parents kept that honest communication. You know, I was expected to have my girlfriend over for dinner. She was allowed to go on trips. And these things really made me feel like my relationship was important. And again, I imagine that as adults, they did not think that relationship was important at all. And whether or not they were right is really irrelevant. And all of this kind of makes me wonder, is this one of the main things that helps stop teen dating violence before it starts? And what other things kind of go along with it? Because it seems like such a massive, massive problem.

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I truly believe that it definitely can play a really big role in eliminating a lot of teen dating violence, especially if you have parents who are in healthy relationships and set boundaries within their relationships and set boundaries and expectations within the family dynamics, then that’s something that’s already being modeled for you. And so a lot of times you’re probably maybe easier able to point out when something just doesn’t seem right or someone says something to you and that just doesn’t seem right. If maybe one of your parents wouldn’t say that to another, your parents, you might question whether it’s appropriate for someone to be saying it to you. Just like we were talking about before. It’s still important for adults to be aware, to not just take a backseat into these relationships, like you shared, that may seem like they’re not really important or they’re not going to last because they are important to your teen. And it can really help avoid a lot of the teen dating violence that we’re seeing today.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so very much, I really appreciate all of your advice and for talking this out with me and the information that you have is incredible. Do you have any last words, especially for parents? Because I know that our audience is not made up of a lot of teenagers, but I know that there are a lot of parents and there’s a lot of people who have teenagers in their lives. What information would you like to impart to them to make sure that they understand?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: I think my key takeaway for parents and adults would just be to play an active role in your child’s life, especially in their teenage years. I think it’s always great when teenagers have a great relationship with their parents and actually want to spend time with them. But I know that it also can be challenging when you have that teen that kind of withdraws from that relationship, but always putting in the effort and that ability to try to connect with them in a way that’s meaningful for them and meaningful for you can just help foster a really good, healthy relationship. And it can also make a really big impact on the different types of relationships that they will have throughout their life.

Gabe Howard: Joelle, thank you so much for being on the show. Where can our listeners find you?

Joelle Shipp MA, LPC: Yes, so I am listed on the Psychology Today profile, you can find me at Joelle Ship and you can see where I practice and a lot of my specialties.

Gabe Howard: Thank you, Joelle, so much for being on the show and to all of our listeners, please subscribe rank and review wherever you downloaded this podcast, and please share us on social media. And when you do, use your words. Tell folks why they should listen. And don’t be afraid to share us in email, the public setting or wherever people are discussing awesome podcasts like ours. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling any time anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We will see everybody next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com.  To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

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[universeinform-blog]

Americans traveling to North Korea face serious risk of arrest, detention

New Post has been published on https://universeinform.com/2017/03/29/americans-traveling-to-north-korea-face-serious-risk-of-arrest-detention/

Americans traveling to North Korea face serious risk of arrest, detention

Journey warnings for American tourists keen on North Korea have continually been dire with admonitions from the U.S. Nation Branch approximately the danger of arrest, long-time period detention, coerced public statements and public trials.

This week a new alert was added 

Something sounding an awful lot like becoming a prisoner of warfare: “North Korea’s device of law enforcement … Threaten(s) U.S. Citizen detainees with being dealt with according with ‘wartime regulation,’ ” a revised Country Branch Journey warning stated.

The up to date language follows the ultra-modern heightening of tensions among the U.S. And North Korea in July when the Obama management for the primary time imposed personal sanctions in opposition to North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un for human rights abuses.

North Korea replied with the aid of calling the circulate an “act of warfare” and severed one of the closing ultimate conversation channels among the two countries via North Korea’s United countries mission in NY.

North Korea: U.S. Declared war with sanctions

North Korea also said it might start detaining Individuals “under the wartime law of the DPRK,” the acronym for the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. The revised Tour warning from the State Branch become the outcome.

“This replace adds facts associated with North Korea’s posted threats about how it will treat U.S. residents in the DPRK,” Kevin Brosnahan, spokesman for the Bureau of Consular Affairs on the Kingdom Department, said Friday.

Andrea Lee, the CEO and founding father of one of the few U.S.-primarily based Journey companies running in North Korea, said the fierce warnings have validated to be a “double-edged sword” for tourism.

“On the one hand, sure, it is no longer high quality. However alternatively,

It makes Human beings curious and that they want to head and spot it for themselves,” Lee stated.

Similarly to websites within the capital of Pyongyang, the USA features scenic mountains or even browsing and snowboarding possibilities. There may be additionally a sense of exhilaration about touring to a country few outsiders have seen, Lee stated.

“I really suppose it’s the type of this sense of journey. Human beings are tired of going to the same vintage places. People want to peer the world and they want to go to places no one else has been to before,” Lee stated.

What Made Native American Peoples Vulnerable to Conquest by European Adventurers?

What made Native American peoples liable to conquest by using Ecu adventurers?

There were numerous tendencies which made the Native American’s prone to conquest through Eu adventurers. First, the humans themselves had been sick geared up to deal with the ECU invaders. Their numbers were speedily reduced as a result of famine, compelled hard work, epidemics concerning contact with European illnesses and wars.

They had been unaccustomed to the financial, political and military elements related to the Europeans.

They lacked the corporation and political cohesion to withstand the conquering humans. The diverse tribes had been often in battle with one and other as they went about their everyday lives competing with every different for land and meals. For instance, over time the Aztecs accumulated many enemies, especially within their own tribe. This battle resulted from competition for territorial rights, acquisition of wealth and the exercise of the usage of their captive enemies as religious sacrifices. Cortés exploited this trait by way of forming alliances with the opposing tribes. In comparison to the Aztecs loss of team spirit the Spanish explorers have been a pretty unified society.

The Local Americans possessed the important abilities to work with copper but did

Not develop the ones had to smelt iron hence they lacked enough technology to salary war upon the invaders. Whilst the Europeans arrived in the New World they had been welcomed with the aid of the Native Individuals. The Indians regarded their site visitors as first-rate warriors with their get dressed, beards, and their ships but more so for the era, they added with them.

The Native populace was surprised at this generation along with their metal knives and swords, the arquebus that’s a type of muzzle loader, the cannon, copper and brass kettles, mirrors, hawk bells and jewelry which had been used as buying and selling items, together with other gadgets which were unusual to their manner of life. This becomes rightfully so since the natives lacked the potential to create these extremely good inventions used by the Europeans. Lamentably the ECU visitors used their guns of conflict inflicting terrific quantities of harm to the natives.

It did not take lengthy before severe troubles started out to broaden.

Upon the advent of the Europeans, there were 7 million Local People in North us. Most lived in hunter-collect or agricultural kinds of communities. The biggest trouble encountered via the Local Americans was their lack of immunity in the direction of Eu diseases. This loss of immunity in these communities towards the ECU diseases took their toll many of the Indian tribes. Smallpox becomes a commonplace chance frequently reduced in size by the Indians from the Au humans.American flag memorial day.

Tv show the Americans on fx canceled

How to Use Cloth Diaper While Traveling

Contrary to not unusual perception, journeying with cloth diapers isn’t always that complicated. In fact, there are many benefits of selecting the fabric way.

• The trade in surroundings can aggravate your toddler and by way of selecting disposables, something which she isn’t comfortable in, can without a doubt irk the toddler’s temper (and result in not-so-lots outstanding trip)

• Plus, in case your toddler is used to material diapers from the beginning, the sudden change can reason irritation and rashes.

• Most of us mother and father pick out reusable diapers for its affordability. And at the same time as traveling, the cost of buying disposables can get exorbitant. So, in case you need to stick with cheaper options, p.C. your reusable diapers with you.traveling vs traveling

Choosing cloth will soothe your eco-conscious thoughts, although it’s a piece of labor.

The usage of fabric diapers while on a holiday may be a simple, clean process. Right here are some useful recommendations to help you sail thru your material diapering adventure while at the pass.

Recognize your traveling Plan

Before you start considering reusable diapers, you want to Understand the state of affairs you’ll be in. How many days is the trip for? Are you journeying by means of automobile or aircraft? Will you have laundering alternatives or you want to apply your lodge toilet? in case you are staying at a chum’s vicinity, are they k with you washing the material diapers of their device?

What to percent

Fabric Diapers & Diaper covers

First matters first, determine out How many reusable diapers does your infant need in a day. Subsequent, reflect consideration on how frequently you would wash the cloth diapers and for What number of days you would be long gone. it is pleasant to scrub them as soon as in 3 days. Relying on this calculation, p.C. your reusable diapers.

Pocket diapers are very relaxed at the same time as touring, all with their breathable fibers. Also, if you use disposable liners, it’s very clean to smooth dirty diapers without staining them. AIOs and Hybrid diapers are also top notch choices.

However if washing your material diapers appears to be a touch elaborate, then residences and pre-fold are your satisfactory guess. You could easily wash them in your lavatory bathtub or sink.

Problems With Juvenile Detention Centers

Juvenile detention facilities, normally shortened to “jury,” have long been visible as a technique of criminal punishment for youngsters offenders, much like jail for adults. However, latest studies have discovered that teenagers prisons, instead of teaching kids the variations among wrong and right, can genuinely make a teenager more likely to devote crimes as a person.

A 20-yr observe in Montreal followed adolescents offenders age 10-17 through numerous levels of the juvenile criminal device.

Psychologists analyzed the children’ interactions with every other and tracked their crime fees through adulthood. Standard, young adults concerned with any a part of the children offender gadget have been much more likely to commit crimes in maturity.

First, network carrier is a punishment allotted to many different crimes, consisting of riding at the same time as drunk or minor in possession. You may think that network punishment is a wonderful way to advantage the community, in addition, to train kids approximately obligation. But, even teens with this small contact with juvenile corrections were twice as likely to be arrested as adults.

Those chances increase even greater relying on the level of involvement.

For afflicted youngsters who are placed on probation, the kids are fourteen times more likely to dedicate crimes as adults than children who do no longer get concerned in juvenile corrections and probation. Lastly, or even more horrifying, the Montreal examine determined that teenagers who are despatched to juvenile detention centers are an awesome 37 instances more likely to be concerned in criminal activity as adults.j Reuben long detention center.Charles march portland me.Leben benjamin and march

Psychologists trust that touch with different troubled young people makes a youngster much more likely to devote future crimes due to the want to “impress” the other children offenders. This often consists of worse and worse legal infractions.