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dreadnought-dear-captain · 5 years ago

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You Asked, I Told

(Note, if this post shows up twice or massively delayed or just looks weird, it’s because it was flagged for adult content [??!] because I had a picture of Willem Dafoe’s face in a gif. I am not even kidding. Do with that information what you will. I’ve removed it and I still don’t know if/when this can be publicly viewed, I’m kind of lolling. So if you see a blocked out photo that looks like porn in your post, I swear it’s just a gif from The Lighthouse!)

Hello, amazing people. This weekend, I’m putting the final touches on my last draft of Baghdad Waltz Chapter 39, which will then go to the beta for one more round of edits. I imagine I will have the chapter posted in 1-3 weeks, which is close to record speed for me, especially since it’s around 30k words. I’m going to be talking about my writing process (at unfortunate length) for one of the asks, for those who are interested.

Please forgive me. I’m feeling quite verbose and a little squirrely. I blame living alone during lockdown.

It’s also Memorial Day weekend in the States, which is when we are meant to honor those who gave their lives in military service to this country. This is often confused with Veterans Day (November 11), which is honoring anyone who has served in the military and is no longer serving. This gets further confused with Armed Forces Day (rotating date, May) which is to honor those currently serving in the military. I know, super confusing.

There’s a wide range of opinions on how Memorial Day should be commemorated, which often involves gathering with friends and family for a barbecue or some other social activity. It’s the first major holiday after a huge holiday drought throughout the late winter and spring, which often makes people look forward to it immensely. Some people feel it’s inappropriate to celebrate Memorial Day with barbecues and fond social gatherings because it’s dishonoring the memories of those who can’t be here, people don’t take time to remember those who have died, people have no idea what the day is actually for, etc. Others, even some very vocal veterans, maintain that people died so that we could be here to celebrate in freedom, so why not relish this life we have? Many offer the caveat that it’s appropriate to at least acknowledge the purpose of the day, even if it’s just in a few minutes of quiet reflection.

Anyway, I offer this as a little food for thought for this upcoming long weekend.

(And in case you missed it, I posted a BW Timeline for your reference.)

Contains spoilers through Chapter 38.

[Takes deep breath]

I’m so glad that you are enjoying the read and that you’re finding it inspiring for your own work. I think my dedication to research for BW is threefold. 1) As this story evolved, I decided that I wanted to create the most realistic depictions of military, civilian, emotional, and physical life that I reasonably could. I will fully admit to lapses in this, deliberate and unintentional, because sometimes the plot just needs to go and I can’t wait around for a year-long medical discharge process for my character. 2) I’m in an academically stringent occupation, and because research is such a prominent part of my work life, it’s bled to my hobby. (IS THIS EVEN A HOBBY ANYMORE?) And 3) I get very easily and passionately obsessed with things and delight in getting “into the weeds” with a subject. Almost every research divergence usually takes me off track for at least an hour. And you will never catch me without an MTA subway map open in at least one tab.

But that wasn’t even your question! Sorry. Are you beginning to get a sense of why BW takes me so long to write?? I cannot keep my shit on track. As for the bibliography, YES! I plan to include that in my author’s note at the end. I wish I had kept better track of all of my works consulted over the past three years, but I will definitely discuss the importance of some of the main ones. I’m so thrilled that you are interested, and I’m excited to share them!

Thank you. This is such a kind thing to say, and I’m humbled and delighted to hear it, especially because our fandom is so blessed with some AMAZING fics. And asks certainly don’t have to be questions! I appreciate them all (except the flaming bag of dog shit ones, which I haven’t had in a while, hooray).

(Re: Chapter 37) Good question! I imagine Claire would want to keep the 1:1 conversation somewhat limited, as she is treating the couple as a patient rather than them as individuals. If anything, she might have somewhat superficially checked in to see if he was okay rather than dive into anything regarding the relationship with Bucky not around. That could be seen as a betrayal of trust to Bucky and could be interpreted as favoritism, which Steve craves and which Bucky is probably terrified about.

I am always pleased when people re-read and enjoy it or get new things out of it, even if it’s sometimes a re-read is a function of my slow-ass writing. I really want a story with good re-read value.

You make an excellent point about Bucky’s relationships. His friendship with Jack also had no real closure. Sometimes this is a factor of circumstance and sometimes it’s because of his avoidance, like a self-fulfilling prophesy almost. He’s learned that people betray you, either by hurting you or dying, so he creates conditions sometimes (often unwittingly) for things to go sour and end poorly, or he will simply make himself disappear so that he’s not hurt and doesn’t have to wait to see if he will be abandoned or betrayed. He’s not a guy who is good with goodbyes.

As for Thor, I totally see how it would read that way. I think Thor started out fishing for longer-term possibilities in a romantic relationship but then realized Bucky is really not a guy who is comfortable settling (which, as we can see, is true). As for why it seems more serious, one thing is that Thor still wanted Bucky in his life as a friend, possibly one with benefits. They have a lot in common, and it’s hard for veterans - and, more specifically, special operators - to find people in their lives they can relate to with these very intense life experiences. I wanted this to be a real relationship, but maybe not necessarily one that was bound to become a RELATIONSHIP. I think Bucky was very intriguing and attractive to him, and he very well may have struggled with his own vacillation between whether to take it seriously or whether to remain friends+. This can lead to mixed messages.

And we also have to remember Bucky’s notoriously unreliable narration, where he will see what he wants to see. Our perspective comes from him. We see the details he zooms in on, miss the one he ignores, view the relationship through the lens of his own contentious desire for a real relationship, even as he consistently demonstrates the lack of capacity and his fear about getting serious. I imagine Bucky has having an extremely poor ability to distinguish friendship from romance, and why wouldn’t he, given the most recent bit of history we have learned about him with Jack? He’s had a series of friendships become sexualized, and I think this affects his capacity to be discerning. Bucky’s radar for relating, whether friendships, romance, or potentially dangerous sexual situations, is terribly mis-calibrated. How confusing for him and for the people in his life. Of course, everyone is free to interpret the dynamics of any relationship however they choose. These are just some of my thoughts.

I really appreciate observations from the re-read! Thank you!

I watched the video and you are right! This is definitely a Bucky song. Bucky’s sense of self is by turns profoundly distorted and lacking in grounding, especially now that he’s not in the military. He’s been in a low key existential crisis since he was a kid and has turned to drinking and sex and war to fill this horrible void, and although I can’t speak for what the artists here intended, I certainly sensed those elements here for sure. (Also, what an interesting choice for a music video…)

Thank you for sharing! I’ll add it to the unofficial BW playlist in the author’s note, which consists of various songs people have associated with BW and shared with me.

Good question! I started off this story picturing the actors who represent the characters in the MCU, because I figured we’d be picturing that when we read the fic anyway (though my beta told me she doesn’t see them as the actors, more like artists’ renderings of the characters, which I find interesting). So when describing their physicality, I tend to refer back to the MCU, since this is technically an MCU AU. But the longer I go with the story, the murkier the resemblance feels to me, especially when I think about Bucky, IDK why. I have also been considering doing something more with BW after I finish it (i.e., converting it into a proper not-bajillion-word novel, sunk cost and whatnot), in which case I would definitely change the characters’ appearance, names, cut MCU Easter eggs, etc. So when I try to think of who these people might be in future iterations of the story, things get even more blurred in my mind when I imagine them.

I wonder how other people see them??

So, with regards to PTSD clinical teams, there is some variation across VAs in the system. Some focus more on military-related trauma, whether it’s war, military sexual trauma, accidents, etc. as a way of concentrating their services and managing supply and demand. From talking with providers in these kinds of systems, sometimes you just NEED a military-related trauma, but you can be treated for, say, a childhood trauma if it’s more pressing. Other VAs are very open in their criteria, and you can see them for pretty much any kind of trauma that qualifies diagnostically for PTSD (or sub-threshold PTSD) without question. That’s why I love the expression “If you’ve been to one VA, you’ve been to one VA.” That said, it kind of doesn’t matter what kind of PTSD clinical team is at the VA in Manhattan, because Bucky has so much military trauma that he would very likely qualify to receive services in any PTSD clinical team. They just might focus on childhood stuff (if Bucky actually let them, which is another matter entirely).

This is a great question! Thanks for asking.

I love a snarky asshole Bucky so much, and I’ve tried to temper this version of him with enough hard-earned genuineness to offset it a little bit. It’s such a tender balance with him, because if you back him too far into a corner, he’s going to let you have it. But if you give him too much space, it’s hard to pin him down and wring something honest from him. He’s definitely learned to use humor and sarcasm to deflect from painful or uncomfortable situations, and it’s a very adaptive short-term strategy that makes him both endearing and infuriating to others.

But ugh, yeah, shit gets so rough around Chapter 28/29. I don’t know how to feel when people have really strong emotional reactions to this story, because one part of me doesn’t want to contribute to the crappy feelings people may already be struggling with — especially in the times of COVID — but I don’t want to be afraid to dive into the hurt these characters are experiencing. That’s why I recommend checking in with oneself before reading to get a sense of how much emotional bandwidth is available to manage the immense problems of two people struggling so much. I also think that for some people it can be cathartic or otherwise not-bad maybe (?), based on the feedback I’ve received. I also really try hard to balance out the painful stuff with growth, even though it can be terribly difficult to locate sometimes.

In comments to folks, and here, I often talk about adjusting the ticks on your measuring stick for progress, where instead of leaps of progress over feet/meters, we may be observing things on an inch/mm scale. This story is my most sincere effort at a “recovery is not linear” narrative, which I think is so much more reflective of real life for a lot of folks than a straight upward trajectory. Humans are such creatures of habit, and the lessons these characters have learned through their lives about themselves, trust, relationships, and how to manage emotions are very deeply ingrained — often through traumatic means. These are the lessons learned the hardest, with the greatest perceived consequences for change, and it takes real courage for us to be able to try new things even once, let alone to establish a reliable pattern of behavior. This can lead to a lot of frustration for us as readers/writer, and I come from a place of this being okay, because we are encountering a parallel process with the characters, who are frustrated with each other and themselves about the same things. I do hope the pain/progress/joy ratios are not horribly out of whack most of the time. That’s another reason I like long chapters, because if this was just blips of sometimes terrible episodes in shorter form, I think it would be very challenging to not lose hope entirely.

But I’m so glad you’re finding the read meaningful, even if it’s sometimes painful and difficult.

(YES.)

And FINALLY -- (this is all soooo long, I’m so sorry.)

Oh, thank you for this question! My spreadsheet ended up getting too difficult to manage, and I actually had a small crisis six months ago about how the fic was going to end, because it just didn’t feel right. I had to scrap it and go back to the drawing board and really ask myself - what would these characters really do? Naturally, as a factor of their psychologies and circumstances, how will they bring this story to an end? Some advice I once heard about a “satisfying” ending is that it’s the place where there’s simply nothing more to say about the characters. There’s no more story to tell. I had to abandon all of my desires and ideas for a particular ending or concerns about making people sad or happy or excited or disappointed. I know that the only ending that will be satisfying is one that makes sense for these people. Anything contrived or backward-engineer-y wouldn’t feel right to anyone. I do have a couple of specific character arc things I want to happen, so I set those down as touchstones and said, okay, what would happen next? What would Steve do with this? And what would Bucky do with this? And what would they do with the thing the other person did? I take a very psychology and prior-behavior-based approach to plotting, almost all character driven. The rest is just figuring out what is supposed to go where and how to organize it.

I’ve converted everything to a Google Doc and have a very basic outline where I write plotty-plot stuff. I also have a “garbage dump” doc where I write certain lines I want to use or certain details I want to include somewhere. When I get into a new chapter, I’ll check the dump doc as I outline and write to see if I want to pluck anything from there. I have my outline open regularly to add to it. Sometimes I write scenes out of order, dialogue first, but that’s only if I really am excited about a particular scene and cannot contain myself. Otherwise, I write completely chronologically and have no buffer. I post things as soon as I write them.

As for your specific questions, I do have a “process” for getting into my characters’ heads. It helps to know them so very well and to have a firm sense of their idiosyncrasies and patterns of behavior. As you may have noticed, they repeat their patterns all. the. time, as humans do, but I also want to have them change their behaviors a little as things go and they progress. So I may wonder what they could do a little differently, why they would WANT to behave differently, and imagine what they would need to do to change their behavior. Do they need to take breaths? Do they remember the last time some shit went down? I really try to think of the “how” and “why” of every single action - from big blowouts to eye rolls.

So once I’ve figured out what they are going to do, I try to pinpoint the associated emotions I want to highlight. This is a whole separate process, because I have to think also about their internal versus their external emotional states. Steve, for example, will often have a discrepant inside and outside, because one of the truths about his character is that he is a chronic suppressor. There is also the issue of unreliable narration and interpretation of behavior. Steve might do something in a scene, but that doesn’t mean Bucky is going to interpret it the way it was intended. I have to think about their individual filters, which often reflect their internal beliefs about themselves. Bucky is more likely to read Steve’s actions as reflections of how BUCKY feels about HIMSELF (e.g., he’s disgusted by me because I’m disgusting) rather than imagine what Steve is really thinking based on his own experiences and beliefs about Bucky. I also attempt to convey some of the more second and third layer emotions that people have in situations, rather than only highlighting the primary emotion. Sad things don’t always just make people sad. Powerful emotions, for example, might make Steve feel out of control of himself, which could generate secondary emotions for him like frustration because he’s losing control. Part of the process in the construction of the narrative is also scrubbing what I’ve written for POV, because Bucky’s word choices aren’t the same as Steve’s, and in order to try to preserve the “voice” of each character, I often have to change the words I’ve opted to use, as well as the syntax.

So, as you can see, there’s a lot of layering that is happening all the time. As for the dialogue, I have no compunction about saying the lines aloud, “acting” them to see how they sound, to get a sense of what tone I want them to say things in. Now that I think of it, I do a bit of movement-based stuff, thinking about how people sit and stand, figuring how many steps it takes to get from A-Z, what it would look like to lean against something, how it would feel on the body, etc. I try to get the most felt sense of things as I can. If I’m imagining a scene, I try to put myself in the shoes of the characters to the point where I feel the emotions, just so I can know how it reflects in my body and my mind and behavior. I have more than once gotten drunk and drunk-written drunk Bucky then gone to clean it up later, as drunk writing can generate some great content I never would have been able to come up with sober, but the form, grammar, spelling, etc. is often rubbish. I also talk a LOT to my beta about all of this stuff, and I have certain friends and acquaintances in the fandom who are my consultants for various things.

So, I’m somewhat method I guess?? Is that a thing?? I dunno. It’s not hard to do when you live and breathe a story. It’s required a deep level of interest in - quite possibly an obsession with - the characters and their lives. I adore my characters, not in a self-congratulatory way, but because they feel so real to me. So it’s a joy to plan and write -- though I do hate first drafts with a passion.

OH - I also sometimes fast-draft chapters, which I did for 39. That is, write as FAST AS YOU CAN with no regard for how shitty the writing is. I wrote 10k words in a week, which was a finished fast-draft for me, and thus I had a very good felt sense of what was going to happen in the chapter, which felt amazing. It requires intensive outlining before, and nearly every word had to be rewritten, but one of the greatest frustrations of a story for me is having blank space ahead. Re-writing is way more fun than first draft writing. I have fluffed it up twofold with higher quality content, which I did all in less than two months…!!

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Well, this is surely my most unnecessarily yammering YAIT in history. But I hope it at least conveys my enthusiasm for these wonderful asks! It’s so lovely to hear from all of you, even if I take an eon to get back to you. Hang in there, everyone!

@grimshady @hutchhitched @b0n3l3ssm1lk

(And thank you to @bae-buckyaboveeverything for the shout out. You made my day<3)

#you asked #baghdad waltz #asks

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walkingshcdow-a · 4 years ago

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Longtime follower, big time fan! I love your writing and I wanted to know what you would suggest or have any tips or recommend about how to start writing a book? I want to (and have a bit of an idea) but I don't know where to begin?? Thank you!!

I want to start this ask, first with thanks and then with a disclaimer. Firstly, thank you so much for following me and for reading/enjoying my stuff! I really appreciate it and it makes me feel very warm-and-fuzzy to know that someone on the other end of the internet reached out to me and thought highly enough of my writing to ask for advice. Secondly, I am a writing teacher. I teach high school creative writing and have degrees in English and Secondary English Education. I have written numerous short stories and one day hope to get a PhD in English or an MFA in creative writing. On the one hand, I am Supremely Qualified to answer your question. On the other, I’m... not. I am not a published author (yet) and most of my writing energy goes towards roleplay and fanfiction. The longest finished work I’ve created as an adult is my “Wooden Overcoats” fanfiction “The Greatest Undertaking”, which doesn’t “officially” crack novel length (50,000 words, give or take). When you say you seek advice on writing advice, I’m going to tell you something I’d never tell my students: you don’t have to take my advice. If something else works better for you (this part I do usually tell them), do that. I am not and no writer is the font of all writing knowledge. Anyone who says they are is trying to sell you something, usually, a book on how to write, written by an author you’ve never read or heard of.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way... let’s talk about what helps me in hopes that some of it helps you!

Don’t be afraid to start. People will make you feel like your idea isn’t worth pursuing. Most of them are doing it on accident and would be horrified to know that their thoughtless comments are holding you back. For years, I did not write characters who had parents because when I was eleven, my mom read a fanfiction I wrote and the main character was critical of her parents and my mom asked me, “Is this how you feel?” If a circumstance hit too close to home, I didn’t write it even if my mom wasn’t going to read it. Thankfully, I’m past that. People won’t be the only thing that will hold you back. Time, fear of failure, impostor syndrome... all sorts of insidious things will give you excuses not to start. Do not let them win.

Some form of pre-planning is extremely useful! It’s not necessary. Most of my short stories have never been outlined. I just sit at the keyboard and type until I have a short story and then I edit later. But for my longer stories, I find an outline keeps me organized and on track. Currently, I’m writing a story called “Catch and Release”. “Catch and Release” has two separate outlines (I kept the original, even though I scrapped at least half of it), both about five pages long. The outlines, for me, include character summaries (who is this character, what did they do in the last story- “The Greatest Undertaking” - that is relevant, what is their goal now, how do they perceive themselves/others, how do others perceive them, what other details are important), and chapter summaries with bullet-point lists of what plot points and emotional beats need to happen in each chapter. I did this in Google Docs because it means I can access it anywhere (and often do) and so I can use the strikethrough function to cross off plot points and emotional beats I’ve hit in writing. This keeps me on track when I take breaks from writing. I haven’t worked on the writing since a little over a week ago, since real life has picked up. I opened Chapter Nine the other day and was like, “Why did I start with Sid Marlowe?” I checked my outline and remembered exactly where I left off. It’s nice. I wasn’t as thorough with “The Greatest Undertaking” and there was a point where I took a month-long hiatus from working on it (I was teaching remotely from a different city because of the pandemic) and when I picked up “The Greatest Undertaking”, I thought to myself “What would have made writing easier for me?” Your outline doesn’t have to be as detailed as mine. It could be more detailed. Just create a guidebook for yourself in case you get stuck or have to take a break from your work.

Speaking of preplanning... Brainstorm! Keep a list of your ideas for future fics/stories/etc. Write little plot summaries to refer to later. I like to you the “[Somebody] wanted [goal], but [obstacle], so [climax], then [ending].” model when I’m too busy to write a detailed summary. I’d also recommend looking at and utilizing traditional outlines, like Freytag’s pyramid or the “four-act structure” a professor suggested to me at a Shakespeare conference if you want to push back against traditional storytelling that allows for a longer focus on the resolution/consequences as the characters establish a new normal. Something. Anything to make you know what ideas you have and what shape they might take. Pictures can be helpful!

Even though preplanning is useful, don’t get married to your outline. If you love your outline too much, you might spend all your time working on it instead of the story or you might not give yourself the flexibility you need and deserve to write the story of your dreams. I realized when I was writing “Catch and Release” that I needed the latitude to add in a scene between Chapman and Calliope and to have Chapman and Antigone interact at least once in the series, since they didn’t in “The Greatest Undertaking”. I was able to edit the outline easily enough to add a whole chapter (Chapter Nine, which I’m working on). I might have to add up to three more chapters to hit all of my bullet points and I know my ending has changed from the first outline. That’s okay! As long as I keep writing and preserve the emotional beats, I’ll be content. Some people would hate this edit-as-you-go approach and insist upon sticking to the outline. If that works for you, great. But I’m not going to commit myself to subplots that don’t serve the narrative.

Decide if you’re a plot-driven or character-driven writer (or, rather, if your piece is plot-driven or character-driven). I’ve put so much emphasis on outlining plot in this thing because I’m character-driven. I am constantly thinking about “but why are they like that?” and “What motivates character X? What is their payoff if they act?” I think in terms of character relationships. This is great! Super helpful! But when it comes to getting my characters do things... I need to outline a plot otherwise they will sit around and talk about their feelings for 30,000 words and nothing will happen. I compensate by making sure my characters have goals outside their intimate relationships, other interests/hobbies/struggles, and lots of things to do. In “Catch and Release”, I had to think of an event that would allow my characters to act out their feelings, rather than think about them privately. If you’re more plot-driven, you will need to make character outlines to keep track of why your characters are doing things that they do and to keep them somewhat consistent in how they behave. People in real life are sometimes inconsistent. In fiction, readers are more likely to notice “out of character” behavior... especially if it isn’t tied to an important motivator. You might need to make character arcs instead of a plot event list. And that’s okay! Do what you need to do to make sure that whether you’re plot- or character-driven, the two tie nicely together.

Practice writing and read a lot. There are two ways to become a better writer. The first is my favorite: write a lot. In between short story projects and novella/novel-length fics, I write my RP characters here. I experiment with style and voice and character development here all the time. This is my “take a break from writing” writing corner, lol. It’s made me a lot better and the partners with whom I write make me better. It keeps me in continual practice with both story craft and mechanics. The second way to improve as a writer is to read a lot. I’m going to say something my colleagues would probably hate: watching TV and listening to podcasts counts as reading, too. Study how the author or writers craft the book/episode/movie you’re consuming. Look at the dialogue and plot structure. Imitate the parts you like, mix and match pieces of media, use one author’s style to tackle another’s subject material. Decide what you think is good writing and what you think isn’t. I’m having my students do an activity from the book called “No Plot? No Problem!” by Chris Baty, the founder of National Novel Writing Month. It asks writers to list all their favorite tropes, conventions, stylistic choices, etc. and all their least favorites and then to only include things they listed as favorites and to avoid writing about things they hate. Writing is a self-betterment activity, but you don’t get better by punishing yourself. You want to enjoy writing, right? Don’t “write what you know”. Write what you know, what you love, and what you want to know more about! Imitating writers you admire is a good thing for both original and fanfiction. Practice, practice, practice!

Set goals for yourself. I have an app called Habitica to help with my to-do lists. I have three things that are writing-related on it right now: “Respond to writing prompt” (habit), “Work on creative project” (daily), and “Finish Catch and Release” (singular event). On Habitica, you rank the level of ease for each thing. “Respond to writing prompt” is “easy”. It can be a prompt here, working on a chapter of “Catch and Release”, or doing a separate writing prompt. “Work on creative project” is “medium” and can be any of the above... plus outlining or another artistic expression, because sometimes I forget to branch out. I can’t check “Catch and Release” off my list until I finish the actual story and that’s ranked as “difficult”. I get a different amount of points for doing the things I need to do and I lose points for not doing them. I also (unofficially) have a goal that all of my chapters must be between 2000 and 5000 words. There’s no formal system for that one. Either way, these keep me motivated to keep writing. Find a system of accountability for yourself. Some people do well if they reward themselves (I don’t. There’s nothing I want enough to work for except things that have intrinsic rewards, like... I get to keep my job if I do my job. Telling me that is more motivating than telling me I’ll get ice cream for finishing my lesson plans. I can get ice cream even if I don’t. I’m an adult with a modest amount of disposable income or I’ll decide I don’t want ice cream. The only times I’ve done this self-denial tactic and seen results I also dehydrated and deprived myself of sleep. I do not recommend that in the slightest). Others thrive on working competitively against friends, the clock, or themselves. Still others accomplish their goals only by having external people hold them accountable. I will admit: I sometimes need a shove from a friend which is why...

Enlist friends to get opinions from. I have the world’s best group chat on Discord. All three of them are writing partners here and familiar with my fandom (”Wooden Overcoats” in this instance; though at least two of them are familiar with “Phantom of the Opera”/Susan Kay’s “Phantom” and I’ve forced the whole group to know about my original characters). Each of them has a different perspective so I can ask their thoughts and brainstorm with them, throw ideas at them, etc. or just ask them to make sure I’m writing once a week or so. I have other friends who know nothing about my fandom or my stories but who are willing to listen objectively to look for plot holes. And then I have friends who are content to know I’m writing and never ask for more info. Writing is such a solitary activity that it’s important to find support and community where you can!

Believe in yourself. You can have all the support in the world, but you have to remind yourself that your story is worth telling and that no one can tell it quite like you can. Get writing!

I wish you the absolute best of luck on your writing endeavors! If you ever want to talk or follow up, I’d love to hear how it’s going! Take care!

#;;signifying nothing | {personal}#;;told by an idiot | {out of character}#x. asks #((I am so flattered!!!!))#((Thank you anon!!!!))#((I hope your writing project goes well!!))#((If you have other questions or updates on your work hmu!)))#Anonymous

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itschimmychimchims · 6 years ago

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Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

♡ seokjin x reader

♡ smut, college!au, bestfriends!au, growing up after that

♡ smut, slight dirty talking, angst, mentions of divorce

♡ I really don’t see a lot of pictures, fan-cams and stories or posts about my boy Seokjin, so this one’s for him. I really can’t even express how beautiful this giant human bean is and I only want him to be the happiest, brightest star ever sobs!!!!!!! Hope you guys like this suuuuuper long one-shot HAHA, enjoy!!

—

Did you ever have those friends you missed more than anything, remembering their name and having distinct memories of just small moments with them; Not whole scenes but snippets of a life long past, and a feeling of longing to go back and refresh your mind, painting a more complete picture or to find those missing pieces?

Seokjin was that friend. And there he stood, right in front of me, 5 years after we had last spoken to each other, in my cafe. His bright honey-brown eyes, his lips and the way his hair was lightly tousled to reveal a bit of his forehead - they were all the same. The only thing that had changed was that now the air between us was colder than that which strangers shared.

“Hi.”

10 years ago. That was the first time I met Seokjin. We were in our tenth year of high school, paired together for Home Ec class elective. Our school had just changed its system, making all students take one course that contributed to Holistic Education. I liked food and making it, so Home Ec was an obvious choice. None of my friends liked it, taking Wildlife Studies or Astrology instead, leaving me completely alone in the foreign class. Everyone had already found their pairs while I sat in the front corner, waiting for the teacher to assign me to another group or session with another lonely soul.

“Hey, do you have a partner yet?” A voice from beside me says and I snapped back to the real world. Surprisngly, it wasn’t the homeroom teacher but a jock-vibe guy who had already put his bag down on the space beside me, easing into the seat.

“No, I took Home Ec alone.” I answered truthfully.

“Great, so did I. Let’s partner up, I can’t afford to switch sessions because I have extra credit.” He smiles at me, his voice unwaveringly confident, as if I’d already said yes. It intrigued me.

“Sure.” I nodded, shimmying to the side to give him more room to get his notepad out of his khaki backpack.

“My name’s Seokjin, but you can just call me Jin.” He smiles again, extending a hand. I took it, smiling back.

“Y/N. Nice to meet you, Seokjin.”

—

“C’mon, let’s get out of here.” Jin said in an annoyed tone.

We were at a party thrown by one of his friends, Taehyung. He was a happy-go-lucky, mysterious soul, throwing parties every other week, most likely in hopes to meet one particular person. He had a somewhat Gatsby-like resemblance. Taehyung was nice.

“Why? You’re tired?” I asked, as I finally finished my first cup of vodka-punch that night. Jin and I had been playing billiards with two of our friends, Hoseok and Jungkook. As I was waiting my turn, a few guys had come up to me in their drunken state, coaxing me to follow them up into one of the rooms for a supposed “good time”. Jin had glared at them and told the juniors to scram. Ever since then, Jin had seemed rather on edge. By then, he had probably downed more than 5 cups of that vodka-punch, plus the few shots that Hoseok had egged him on to down with him.

“I’m just not feeling it.” Jin said, putting his empty cup down on a random table, already full of empty cups. I hadn’t caught on to what had pissed him off so much, so I brushed it off.

“Let’s go to the roof for some air, you’re just annoyed because it’s too warm. You get like that sometimes.” I said lightheartedly, trying to make him less annoyed. Having known him for almost 5 years at that point, I knew him all too well.

With that, his expression did relax a little and he let out a sigh, signalling his compliance with my suggestion. We walked up to the roof, where the air was crisp and there was a small breeze that ran through my hair. I still had long hair back then. Up on the roof, we weren’t the only ones, but it was still a lot less noisy than the EDM-fuelled mosh pit downstairs. The faint sounds of a couple more-than-making-out could be heard, but at this point it was already a norm at parties like that in college.

Jin and I shared a plush sofa and a comfortable silence.

With Jin, it was always very natural and never awkward. Even when we’d disagree with each other on many things, one thing we always agreed on was to talk things out until we were okay again.

“What’s up, Jin?” I asked, putting my hand on his knee. “Why’re you moody all of a sudden?” Seokjin’s brows furrowed slightly as he shook his head.

“It might be the alcohol. The shots with Hobi might have been a bit much after those vodka-punch cups.” He said in a low tone. Somehow, it wasn’t convincing.

“Kim Seokjin.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ve known you for 4 going on 5 years. You drank half a barrel of beer and downed 7 tequila shots, didn’t puke and was still clearheaded enough to do a math question. You can’t be hammered over 5 cups of vodka-punch and a few watered down shots.” Seokjin pinched his nosebridge.

“Damn this friendship.” He rolled his eyes. I scoffed, but continued waiting patiently to answer my question with a proper response.

“I didn’t like those drunk guys.” He said carefully.

“The ones that were bothering me?”

“Yeah they killed the mood.” He replied simply.

“Yeah a little. Don’t worry about retards like that, let’s just enjoy ourselves.” I told him, patting his leg. He seemed to be in a better mood so I changed the topic.

“Where are you headed after graduation?” I asked. We’d never really talked about it. Jin and I talked about our dream jobs and what we wanted to achieve but I never heard any concrete plans from him.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I still want to open that restaurant. College makes you just rethink it all, you know?” Jin said. In front of others, he was always the joker, the positive soul, cracking jokes with his never-ceasing confidence. That’s why I relished the moments he chose to confide in me his fears or insecurities. I would always bring him through his thought process, breaking every thought down and slowly leading him back to his goals.

“Why are you rethinking it?”

“To be really honest, cooking’s a hobby. I mean, I love it, and I’m good at it...” Jin began. “...but I’m good at things that make money too, even if I’m not crazy about it.” I knew what he was talking about.

“So it’s stability and the mundane, versus instability and passion.” I summed it up. He stares at me, nodding.

“You always know what I mean, and I love that.” Jin remarks, throwing his head back on the sofa, letting out a sigh.

“Your parents want you to get into Finance again?”

“Yeah. And I’m starting to see why. Maybe it’s because I have to be somewhat independent soon, and I keep hating the idea of struggling to make ends meet.” He admitted. “I’m thinking way down the line too... like when I settle down.” The last sentence caught me off guard. Jin talking about settling down sort of threw me off, because somehow, I knew that as a friend, it wouldn’t be me. And that sombre realization made me question why I felt upset at that.

“Do you even have someone you like, Jin?” I joked. “Out of the 2000 girls you’ve managed to sleep with this semester alone, of course.”

Jim chuckled, swatting my thigh.

“No, not really.” He sighed once again. “You know my ideal type for fucking around and settling down are different.” He then shifted to me, a different look in his eyes.

“You aren’t one to talk.” Jin said. “I know you’ve slept with a very consistent type - brown hair, slender legs, broad-shoulders...”

“I don’t have a consistent type-“ I argued but Jin cut me off.

“Then tell me what you look for in a guy you sleep with.” Jin challenged. I had actually never thought about how I chose the guy I slept with. I just ended up liking the vibe.

“You know I just go with the flow, and if I like it or if I’m down, I’ll just see what happens.” I tried avoiding the question but Jin wasn’t having it.

“C’mon, you know I’m not buying you bullshit. Quantify, qualify.” He egged me on, squeezing his hand on my knee. I thought about it for a while.

“He has to be funny.” I started.

“Okay, that’s pretty simple.” Jin remarked.

“...and has to be good-looking. By my standards.”

“Not like that’s the hardest thing in the world.” He earned a smack from me for that comment. Jin chuckled but let me continue.

“I think I do like broad shoulders, you’re right.” I admitted. He smirked at me, giving me a I-know-you look, adding, “And nice lips.”

“And well, he and I have to at least be able to have a proper conversation before we get down to fuck.” I said. “I don’t like mindless one-night-stands very much, so if I get a relationship or even a friendship out of it, I’d like that.”

Jin pondered over what I’d said for quite a long time, and I saw his expression change after thinking.

“What, do you have someone you’d like to recommend to me?” I said half-jokingly. Jin turned to me and tilted his head, as if he was biting on his words, unsure of whether to let them loose.

“Hey, Y/N,” Jin began, a lot of hesitation in his voice. It was extremely unlike him.

“Say it already, you’re killing me over here.” I said, a little uneasily.

“Sleep with me.” Jin finally said. My mind did a double-take. That was an understatement. It performed a whole circus acrobatic routine.

“Don’t mess with me.” I rolled my eyes, punching Jin on the shoulder.

“No, I mean it.” Jin said, with no humor in his eyes. “We both know what we like and don’t like. I literally fit all of your criteria. You fit all of mine-“

“No I don’t, you like girls like Seolhyun-“ I argued feebly.

“Have you looked at yourself, Y/N?” Jin asked. “You’re literally gorgeous. Like anyone in that room would have dropped dead to have a chance to fuck you.”

“Shut up, Jin, that’s not the least bit true. You’re saying that because you’re my friend...” I huffed, standing up. Jin followed suit. “...who is also trying to get me to sleep with him.” Jin grabs my wrist lightly to stop me from moving.

“I’m not saying that just because I want to sleep with you. Have you heard what your exes have had to say?” Jin began. “Even if they were salty you broke it off with them, they felt like they were below your league anyway.”

“Jin-“

“Sleep with me. We’re graduating, let’s just fuck it up one time before we’re off to the real world.” Jin almost pleaded. I sighed because I actually contemplated the idea. He did make sense - we had known about each others’ sexcapades all too well, the good and the bad. We were comfortable with each other and all... but we were friends. I hated the thought of that changing. I also felt like I hated the thought of him just wanting to sleep with me, and not place me under the category of ‘settling down’. Though, I’d never admit that to him, or myself at that moment.

“Jin I don’t want us to change. We’re good like that. We’re best friends now, I don’t want this to disappear and get awkward.” I sigh. Jin puts his hands on my shoulders.

“It won’t, it won’t, I promise.” He tried to reassure me. “You know I’m really good at making things not awkward. And we’re already so comfortable with each other, this won’t make a huge splash.”

There was silence for quite a while as I pondered, and that was probably the first unsettling silence we had shared between each other since the start of our friendship.

“Okay.”

Jin’s eyes lit up, and he smiled at my acceptance. I never really noticed until then that his smile was so fucking beautiful. He then pulled me in closer by the waist, knowing it turned me on.

“I’ll make it worth your while.” He murmured. In a matter of seconds, his lips press onto mine, a little hesitant at first, but it feels phenomenal. It was as if an invisible barrier around us had been shattered. Jin hungrily sought my lips now that he had a proper taste, gripping my neck, closing any sort of gap we had between us. We fall back onto the plush sofa, only intensifying whatever had transpired between us. I climbed on top of him, straddling his hips and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders I admired so much. Jin cursed after a while, as he shifted and he brushed his growing erection under me. “Let’s get out of here.”

He held my hand tightly as we went back down to the party. Thankfully, nobody spotted the both of us as we quickly fled the scene. Jin revved up his car and drove off into the night with his hand on my thigh, squeezing it occasionally.

“Aren’t you going a little fast, Jin?” I add nervously as he breezes past blocks.

“Would you rather I fuck you into my backseat?” Jin asked, cocking an eyebrow, no humor in his eyes. The look meant he meant every word he said and that sent a tingle down my spine. I stayed silent as he rushed back to his apartment. Thank god he lived near Taehyung.

We had barely even made it past the front door before Jin’s lips had crashed onto mine again, pinning me to the living room wall. Jin had carried me, propping my legs to wrap around his waist, letting his hands unbutton my shirt. His tongue ran over my bottom lip, stopping to let his lips take over. He paused to slip my shirt off completely, taking in a breath as he saw my torso for the first time. I felt his teeth graze the side of my neck, and I had unintentionally let out a soft moan.

“Fuck, you’ll make me cum with those sounds.” Jin hissed, now moving with added urgency towards his bedroom. Throwing me down on his bed, he quickly removed his shirt as I shimmied my skirt down. Thank god I wore matching underwear that day, and the sight made Jin curse again.

“Take them off for me, Y/N.” Jin whispered as he kissed my lips softly. I smirk slightly, slowly pulling down my bra straps as he watched, his eyes gleaming. He licks his lips as I discard the last of my underwear and comes closer to me.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” Jin said, taking my breasts into his hands, kissing the swelled skin.

“Only you would compliment me just before we sleep together.” I joked, and he chuckles lightly before kissing marks onto my abdomen. His fingers trail downwards, slipping inside me with ease due to how damn turned on I was ever since he had asked me to sleep with him. Jin hissed, relishing the feeling of his fingers inside me. I bit my lips, stifling a moan but that only made him thrust his fingers deeper inside me.

“Don’t be quiet about it, Y/N, I know you’re loud in bed.” Jin says, smirking as I arch my back to feel him more. I let out a string of moans and pants as his pace inside me increased, adding on to his sinful lips leaving trails of its presence on my skin.

“Fuck me already, Jin.” I whined as his fingers soon weren’t enough to satisfy the burning inside me.

“Anything for you.” Jin chuckled, slipping his fingers out of me. He licked his fingers slowly, making me almost moan at how deliciously erotic it was.

“...but I want to hear you beg.” Jin growled, putting his thumb on my clit, circling it in a painfully slow manner. I hissed, gripping his hand.

“Please.” I cried as I bucked my hips, only to be met with nothing as he pulled his fingers away from me.

“Ask me nicely, Y/N.” Jin said, his tongue tracing an unknown pattern on my left breast, sucking it as I panted harder.

“Please Jin, I need you inside me, please...!” I cried out and Jin chuckled again, finally taking off his boxers. His slender fingers pumped his shaft slowly a few times before he teased my literally soaked core with his tip. I moaned from the contact, and gripped the sheets as he eased into me. Jin let out a loud moan as he filled me inch by inch.

“Fuck, you feel so fucking good.” Jin growled, bottoming out inside me. His forehead rested on mine, as we both caught our breaths and slowly adjusted to the feeling. “I hope you’re ready to be fucked into oblivion.”

Jin’s thrusts started off a little slow. I had told him once before that it hurt so much because one of my exes just started thrusting without warning and I was so sore, having not even reached an orgasm due to the pain. Slowly, however, his thrusts seemed to quicken in pace as I tried to move in unison with him, wrapping my legs around his hips.

“Shit, I can feel you clenching around me.” Jin moaned, abs tensing as he rammed inside me. I arched my back in an attempt to feel even better, knowing it would probably hurt in the morning.

“Jin please I need... harder...!” My words came out jumbled and rather incoherent but Jin seemed to understand what I was saying, so he increased his pace once more, slamming himself into me at a relentless speed, harder and faster. His fingers snaked downwards, playing with my clit, applying just the right amount of pressure to keep me swooning.

“You like that don’t you, baby, me touching you like that? I can feel you clench on me so fucking good.” Jin grunted as he planted rough kisses on my collarbones. “Keep clenching like that and I’m going to cum so hard.” That sent even more tension down to my abdomen. Suddenly, I held Jin’s chest, slowing his movements. He raised his brow in a slightly questioning manner.

“Let me ride you, Jin.” I panted, giving his plump lips a small kiss, which he deepened as he allowed me to adjust positions. “I know how much you love the view of this position.”

“You really know how to make a guy’s dick twitch.” Jin growled, pushing me down on him, making me gasp. “Fuck.”

I rolled my hips and slowly got used to the movement, and Jin leaned back against the pillows, letting me do whatever I pleased. His head was thrown back, the glistening sweat making his dark hair stick to his face slightly. His lips were ajar, slightly pinker due to the amount of kisses he had peppered my body with.

“Do you like that, Jin?” I asked, trying to increase my pace, feeling my orgasm build up quickly as soon as I found the right angle. “Do you like it when I bounce on your dick so well?”

“I fucking love it, please don’t stop.” Jin moaned, gripping my hips so roughly I knew they’d bruise the next day. “You know me so fucking well. You’re fucking me so good, baby, keep going.” His gruff words were doing wonders for my building climax.

“I want to see you cum on my dick, baby. I want to see your fucked out face when you make yourself cum using my dick.” Jin grunted, jerking his hips upwards to help me along with my journey to euphoria.

“Fuck, Jin, I’m gonna cum-“ my orgasm came earlier than expected. It was almost as if I was attacked by a whirlpool of psychedelic colors, white flashes consuming my field of vision. I cried out his name like a mantra as pleasure engulfed my nervous system and all my senses. He continued thrusting upward until I had motioned I wanted to climb off of him from oversensitivity. He already knew.

“May I have you in my mouth, Jin?” I whispered, taking his shaft, still coated in my orgasm, and pumping it a few times - hard. He let out a hiss as he nodded. I did my best to look as innocent as possible, knowing he did like when girls played innocent while doing the most obscene of acts.

“You can fuck my mouth, Jin.”

That was when he lost it. He was a moaning mess, thrusting between my lips, throwing his head back and gripping my hair lightly. I realized after a while that his hand on my head was to make sure he wasn’t too rough on me, and it made my chest clench slightly. Not long after, I felt his abs tense and he slowed his movements, unsure. I nodded at his hesitation, remembering how I had complained about a one night stand exploding inside my throat without any warning. Jin let out a long moan and a sigh as he climaxed into my mouth, holding my head steady by my cheeks. I let myself rest in his palms, swallowing his load.

“You know what that does to me, don’t you.” Jin licked his lips, unable to hide his smile as he came close to me, kissing me on the lips almost hesitantly.

We shared a few more kisses before Jin stood up to grab some towels to clean us up. I had never gotten cleaned up by anyone before in my life after sex, so this felt somewhat intimate.

“Are you staying the night?” Jin asked, tossing the towels into the laundry basket. He slipped on a loose pair of jogger pants and I put my underwear back on, not bothering with my bra. He passed me an old shirt and smiled as I put it on.

“Yeah, can I?” I asked, brushing my hair a little.

“Sure.” Jin replied simply, sitting down beside me on the bed. “You look good with my shirt on.” I scoffed, pulling the covers close and shifted till I was in a comfortable position. Jin laughed, wrapping an arm around my waist as both of us went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed and a text from Jin saying that he had someone to meet, so he’d left first, but I could use the shower or whatever I needed. After my bath, I’d gone to the kitchen to maybe get some milk but I saw that Jin had made some sandwiches for me. It was such an... intimate gesture, but I brushed it off, texting him thanks.

—

About three days later, I bumped into Jungkook at school. Or, well, more like he literally ran his entire body onto the locker beside mine, waiting for me to notice him.

“What the-“ I jumped at the sound of metal beside me, finally seeing Jungkook approach me after the loud bang.

“Y/N!” Jungkook panted dramatically. “You need to hear what I’m about to say.”

“What, did someone die? What’s with your drama-like entrance.” I laugh, stuffing my books into my locker. Closing it, I lean against my locker and waited for Jungkook to speak.

“Did Jin happen to say anything to you?” He paused and asked.

“Nope.”

“Oh man, I’m sure you’ll be annoyed too.” Jungkook scoffed. “Everyone knew except me and you.”

“Knew what?”

“That Jin and Rae are dating!” Jungkook exclaimed. He said it so loudly some other kids turned to look at him. I was a little too shocked to care. Shocked and honestly hella offended.

“Don’t fuck with me, Kook.” I hissed. “You better not be joking.”

“I wish I was.” Jungkook sighed. “They started dating like 4 or 5 days ago. They were talking before that too but I didn’t know they were actualy dating.”

4 or 5 days ago... that was definitely before we slept together that night. The rage in me bubbled and threatened to boil over. I was pissed beyond anything - partly because he didn’t even mention Rae to me and partly because I was the presumed side fuck.

“Where the heck is Jin now?” I grit my teeth and stood back up straight to face Jungkook.

“Aww man, you look mad, Y/N...” Jungkook said slightly cautiously. “Is it a good idea-“

“Where is he?” I demanded, shooting Jungkook a harsh glare, and he gave in. He told me Jin was with Hoseok at the garden study area. I immediately stormed over to where he was, not caring that Hoseok had shot me confused panicky glances.

“Kim Seokjin, we need to talk.” I huffed, folding my arms.

“Hey, what’s up?” Jin said casually, as if he had done nothing at all. Maybe in his mind he really didn’t think he did anything wrong to begin with, but I didn’t care - I was fuming.

“I need to talk to you alone.” I emphasized the need for Hoseok to go, or for Jin and I to leave to talk privately. Hoseok tried to get up to leave, but Jin sat him down.

“Let’s go to my car. I was about to head off anyway.” Jin said, packing up his things. We both walked in stony silence, with Jin shooting me worried glances from time to time. Once we got into his car, I exhaled sharply.

“Hey Y/N, what’s wrong?” Jin asked, putting his hand on my knee, turning to face me. I move his hand off, folding my arms tightly, glaring at him.

“When were you going to tell me about Rae?” I snapped at him. Jin’s mouth opened a little, clearly not expecting that question.

“Oh fuck... um.” Jin stuttered uncharacteristically, running his fingers through his hair nervously. “I can explain.”

“Okay, so explain.” I hissed. “Explain how you started fucking with this girl, dating her, and you suddenly come crawling to me asking me to sleep with you, all this time not mentioning a single thing to me.” I got so mad I started to tear up, and it wasn’t because I was sad - I just was so frustrated for reasons I couldn’t place.

“Y/N...” Jin mumbled, clearly trying to make me less angry. He tried to hold my hand, but I swatted it away, stonily seething at him.

“Just try to fucking explain.” I growled.

“Okay okay okay.” Jin said softly, not trying to touch me anymore. “We started talking a month ago, and we kind of clicked. Like on a nice kind of level. And we did hook up, but it was once, and she kind of had a boyfriend at the time. She told me she’d break up with her boyfriend, because she really liked me, and I think I really like her too...”

“So while you were waiting, you come and fuck me?” I yelled.

“No that’s really not the case...” Jin scrambled for an answer and I could tell he was extremely distressed.

“That person you met the morning after we...” I trailed off.

“That was Rae.” Jin admitted softly. He knew I was seething and his apologetic admission didn’t make anything better.

“Wow, Jin.” I was now full on crying tears of anger, sadness and some other horrible emotion I couldn’t pinpoint. “I thought I meant more to you, seeing how we’ve been friends for 5 fucking years. I can’t even look at you right now.” I attempt to open the car door and leave but Jin locks the door.

“Don’t leave Y/N, please, I’m sorry I wasn’t upfront with you.” Jin grabs my wrist, turning me to face him again. “I’ve never really met any other girl that clicks with me as much as her... other than you, of course.” The tears come down even harder now, and I finally decide to break the barrier that I’d avoided for so long.

“Then why didn’t you choose me, Jin?” I ask. “You clicked with me. You and I were a thing first, Jin.” Now Jin looked even more guilty.

“Y/N...” Jin looked like he was sorry, like he was pitying me and I hated it. I yanked my hand out of his grip.

“I’m done. Don’t speak to me ever again.” I growled, manually unlocking the door and storming out of his car. As I walked away, I felt arms wrap around me tightly.

“Please, Y/N, I can’t lose you. I’m sorry, I fucked it all up, we shouldn’t have slept together-“ At his words, I turn around and slapped him in the face out of anger and disappointment. He held his cheek but didn’t protest, still trying to hold onto me.

“Sleeping together wasn’t the fucking mistake.” I growl. “It was me believing you thought of me as a friend. And I was naive enough to go along with it all these years. It was a mistake trusting you.”

“Don’t say that, Y/N...” He pleaded, and I could see he was sorry. But it didn’t matter. “You mean so much to me. I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m so sorry. Please, I can’t lose you.”

At that moment, I heard someone call Jin from behind him. It was her. Rae. She was an average student, and she looked decent, but she always felt off to me - never genuine enough.

“Oppa!” She called out, coming closer. “What’s going on?” Her fingers wrap around Jin’s arm. I yank my hand out of Jin’s frozen grasp.

“I’m talking to my friend, Rae-“ he began.

“No, he wasn’t. I’m not a friend.” I say harshly, walking off. The last thing I saw before I walked was Jin’s crestfallen face. I’d forget a lot of Jin and I’s memories but I’d never forget that face.

Graduation came fast and everything was just a blur of me moving through classes, eating, sleeping, repeat. It was the same routine every day, I refused to meet Jin and I’s mutual friends for fear he’s try to talk to me. I’d changed my number because he kept calling. I hardly returned to my dorm because Jin came occasionally, asking me to open the door and talk. I shut myself off as much as possible from Jin. After a while, I think he got the message, so he stopped trying too.

—

Fast-track 5 years, I lift my head up to see the one face that had haunted my thoughts for the first time in forever. It was 3.38PM on a Thursday, and the cafe was quiet, only the sound of slow piano music in the background. Not even my breathing because I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing the moment I heard his voice.

“It’s been a while.” Jin chuckles nervously and softly, the sound not fully registering as real in my head. The crinkle of plastic he was holding brought me back to reality. He was holding a pack of cookies in his hand.

“Ah, those-“ I said quickly, trying to be normal.

“Yeah, I uh, wanna get these.” Jin cleared his throat, putting the cookies on the counter. “And an iced americano please, I’ll be having it here.”

“That’ll be seven dollars.”

“Here you go.”

“Thank you, please have a seat and I’ll serve you shortly.”

Jin turns his back on me, walking to a convenient table and put down his work bag. He takes out a laptop and starts typing away as I prepare his coffee. My mind is in a whirl as I tried to process my current reality. I muttered a soft prayer to keep my shit together until he left.

“Here are your cookies and one ice americano, enjoy.” I say almost robotically. Jin looks up at me with a small wistful look.

“It’s rather quiet, would you come sit with me and catch up for old times’ sake?” He requested bravely. I saw his fingers twitch, a sign that he was nervous. After a short hesitation, I nodded slowly and he immediately stood up, removing his things from the chair opposite him.

“Please.” He gestured to the chair. It was painfully formal. I took my seat and removed my apron, putting it on the chair backing.

“How long has the cafe been open? It’s your own cafe, right?” Jin began.

“Yeah, it’s mine.” I say rather proudly. It took me 3 years to set it up, with my parents’ help of course, but I’d paid off the loans I’d gotten from them recently so it really truly was mine now. “I’ve been open for almost two years now.”

“Business is good I presume.” Jin said, smiling slightly. His smile was something I never even knew I missed, but a part of me softened as I saw the corners of his lips turn up as he bit into a chocolate cookie. I remembered he liked the ones I made one time at his place.

“The cookies are delicious, just like before-“ Jin said, but he caught himself before he said anything to make the conversation even more awkward.

“Yeah, I’m quite proud of my bakes.” I said softly, feeling quite stiff, so I crossed my legs, hoping to feel less awkward. I figured I should make some sort of conversation.

“What are you doing now?” I asked. “I never found out whether you got into finance or not.” Deep down, I knew he’d probably have gone with what his parents wanted. I had always told him the restaurant dream was something he could always go to if he didn’t have the balls to go against his parents earlier in life.

“I’m a consultant for gourmet restaurants.” Jin said simply.

“Wow.” I said, genuinely surprised. “That sounds like fun.”

“I do like my job, actually. At least I’m putting my degree to good use.” Jin chuckles softly again. His eyes flicker over my appearance, resting on my hand suddenly.

“Oh, you’re...” His voice trailed off and I look down at my fingers in confusion when I realized I was wearing the ring my parents gave to me recently for my birthday. It wasn’t a flashy ring but I kept it on so I wouldn’t get hit on by random office workers when I worked at the cafe.

“Oh, no no, I’m not-“ I stumbled over my words. “I’m not married, this is a birthday gift from my parents. It just... keeps the creeps away.” There was a short silence before Jin exhaled a little sharper than before. It sounded like... relief. “I didn’t have time to date since college.”

“Ah, sorry, I just assumed-“ He began, running his fingers through his hair.

“No, that’s the intended effect, it’s okay.” I reassured him, not wanting this conversation to become even more awkward than it already was.

“How about you? You ‘settled down’ yet?” I try to lighten the air with a small nervous chuckle. Jin’s face falls a bit but I could tell he was trying not to make things too awkward too.

“I actually got divorced a year ago.” He said, sighing a little but breaking into an awkward chuckle. “So, no, I guess you can say I’m not settled down just yet.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry... I didn’t mean to-“ I panicked at the new information. Jin had gotten married, and recently (not really recently) got a divorce. It was a lot to process.

“No, it’s okay, it’s all in the past. I’ve come to terms with it.” Jin said simply, smiling at me and taking another bite of a cookie.

“If you don’t mind, can I ask what happened?” I ventured rather bravely into the unknown quicksand that was this conversation. I felt like in an hour or two, I’d probably never see Jin again anyway, so I might as well find out a little more.

“No, I don’t mind.” Jin said, smiling a little. “I’m glad you want to know more about me now.” I look down, and am very sure I blushed slightly.

“I got married to Rae a year after graduation, quite fast if I had to say so myself. But I really thought she was the one. I’d just started out on my consulting career and I had to work quite a number of late nights and she and I started to argue a lot more about my working hours. Rae worked at her father’s company so she had a lot of free time, so she kept complaining about me not spending enough time with her.”

“Ah, she didn’t understand...” I remarked casually and Jin nodded.

“She was really unhappy and every time I’d come home, she’d be drunk off some expensive red wine. She would drunkenly berate me for loving my job more than her and that she regretted breaking up with her boyfriend for me.”

I scowled. I really never liked that girl. “That’s horrible.” I frowned.

“It’s okay, I guess it was my fault too that I was so busy. I was really happy one day though; I finally got a promotion. It was for my current position now, which is regional manager. I came home to her already asleep on the bed, so I didn’t tell her about the promotion. Then her phone started ringing. I never looked into her phone or her things, mostly because I never had the time, but I trusted her.”

I gulped a little, kind of guessing where the story was going.

“I saw the caller ID by accident, and the caller was named ‘Sexy Oppa’. Feeling a little off, I picked it up, and the person on the phone asked Rae if she was free tonight after I fell asleep, and that he missed her in his bed.”

I shook my head, biting my lip.

“I’m so sorry, Jin.” I said softly. I saw a flash of pain flit over his calm expression, knowing this would have been a huge hit to not only his ego, but his hidden romantic heart. Deep down, he believed in marrying one person for life, and to have that dream shattered would have been devastating for him.

“No, I... I’m okay.” He said, trying to smile. “Deep down... I think I knew. I just didn’t want to face it.”

“I divorced her 8 months ago, even though she didn’t want to.” Jin said, leaning back in his chair. “I guess, that was my life so far. Just a mistake.”

“Don’t say that.” I said sharply. “Don’t say your life was a mistake, just because some chick didn’t understand you wanting to chase your goals.” His eyes lit up at my words.

“You...” He chuckled again, this time without the nervousness. “Always say the right things.” I follow his chuckle as well, sitting there with him in one of the most comfortable silences we’ve shared in half a decade; for a few seconds at least.

“I know it’s really forward, but...” Jin started. “Let’s catch up over dinner. I think I owe you at least that much.”

“Jin, you don’t owe me - or anyone - anything.” I shook my head. “I hope you know that.”

“Regardless, I’d like to talk more over dinner. Reconnect, you know. It’s been five years. And I-“ Jin said, stopping, hesitating, then suddenly mustered up his confidence.

“I’ve missed you all these years, Y/N. Every single day.” He said, now without any signs of nervousness. He meant it. I hesitated, but I knew this was the last chance I got to quell my blurry nightmares that were my memories.

“I... missed you too, Jin.” I said softly, looking down at my fingers now.

“Let me bring you for dinner tomorrow night?” Jin suggested. I nodded, and we exchanged our new numbers. I noticed Jin’s pause as he stared at my number on his phone.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just... I’m happy.” He said, smiling genuinely at me. My heart swelled almost painfully, because I knew I felt the same.

“...Same here, Jin. Same here.” I murmur.

“Thanks for giving me a chance, Y/N.” Jin said, finishing his americano and standing up. I followed, standing too.

“Thanks for... coming here.” I stammered, not really knowing what to say. Jin smiled again, then we shared another few seconds of us just staring at each other, not really registering this was real.Then, Jin pulls me into his arms and hugs me. As I inhaled from the surprise, I smelled his fresh cotton scent with a hint of orange. He was warm, and he was exactly the same as he was all those years back. Like nothing had changed. I was about to hug Jin back when he pulled away slowly.

“It was nice seeing you, Y/N. I’ll call you about tomorrow.”

—

The next day, Jin told me to text me my address and that he’d pick me up at 7. My head felt a little giddy like I was getting ready for a first date. I paused. It kind of was a first date. Jin and I never really ate alone together out at a nice place. The most we’d ever done was just grab some takeout and camp with Hoseok and Jungkook at someone’s place. Sometimes he’d eat over at my place but he would be coming from late classes or after-dinner hookups, and I’d already eaten, so he settled for sharing some ramen.

For the 5 years, I never really dated anyone either. I did go out to dinner with some of my friends’ recommendations but they never made it past the first or the very rare second date. It never really felt right. I put on a simple black dress and a nice pair of gold earrings and black short heels. And a cardigan in case I got cold - and to be honest I didn’t even know where we were headed. I just liked the idea of eating out with Jin, because we hadn’t done so in so long. Or ever.

He was punctual, and at 7, I heard a car pull up near my sidewalk. I spritzed on some perfume and left the house.

“You look great, Y/N.” Jin said warmly as he got out of the car to open the passenger side door. He was dressed in a grey suit and a plain white shirt underneath. It was so casual but also pretty dressed up. It matched his now light-brown hair perfectly.

“You too, Jin.” I smiled and he took my hand, leading me inside his car. Once we were inside, we set off, with me asking him where we were headed.

“I hope you still like pasta. I booked a nice Italian place by the river.” He chuckled in reply.

At a stop light, he gestured to the backseat, and when I turned around, I saw a small bouquet of white baby’s breath, wrapped in brown kraft paper, and tied with rustic string and a soft pink ribbon.

“Seemed fitting, so I got you some of your favourite flowers too.” Jin said.

“Thank you...” I murmured, admiring how thoughtful he was being. I wasn’t used to it at all. “And thanks for remembering all that. You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to, don’t worry.” Jin said, putting his hand on my knee softly.

When we got to the riverside, I gawked at the natural beauty of the restaurant’s rustic outdoor setting. There were wooden tables and chairs, lit up by an endless string of fairy lights. The scent in the air smelled of pasta mixed with the freshness of the river. The sound of the small waves crashing served as a background to the soft chatter of the restaurant.

“This place is... wow.” I told Jin when we were seated.

“Yeah, I’d seen reviews on social media a few months back. Thought to give it a go, but it’d be sad to come alone with no one to appreciate it with.” He said a little wistfully.

“Well, here we are.” I said lightly, trying to diffuse the tension. The waiter came with the menus and water.

“Did you see what’s good here?” I asked Jin, rifling through the menu. Everything seemed pretty amazing and but it was quite expensive and I wondered if we were splitting the bill.

“I heard the pesto is good. I’m getting a seafood marinara.” Jin said, smiling. “And if you’re worried about the price, don’t. I’ll get the bill, okay?”

“Jin, no, it’s expensive and you got me flowers and-“ I protested. But Jin touched the top of my hand.

“I really want to, okay? Don’t worry about it.” Jin smiled at me reassuringly. “If you feel so bad, you can bake something nice just for me at the cafe.”

I stared at Jin incredulously but sighed in defeat, nodding. We both ordered our food and during the wait we fell into a rather pleasantly comfortable conversation. We talked about his work, his best and worst clients, some were downright nasty but most of them were grateful that Jin had come along. He seemed to be good at his job, and he seemed to enjoy it too, which was the most important. I told him about the cafe, and how business was good, and I was so lucky to have gotten the cafe spot after pitting myself against a pack of desperate entrepreneurs. I had even laughed at some jokes he cracked. It felt so natural.

“Ah, our food is here!” He said excitedly. The pasta looked amazing and tasted exactly how I expected it to, perhaps even better.

“It’s been a really long while since I’ve taken time to just enjoy a nice dinner like that.” I mused, eating another spoonful of my pesto pasta. “Thanks for dinner, Jin.”

“Anytime, really. I’m so glad we can just go back to being...” Jin hesitated a bit, then continued, “like this.” Not wanting to spoil the atmosphere, I didn’t comment on the pause. I just enjoyed the meal and the scenery surrounding the both of us.

After dinner, Jin had driven me home. He had to park a little further because all the lots had filled up nearer to my house. I told him to drop me off, but he insisted on walking me back, flowers in hand.

“Tonight was really nice, Y/N, thank you-“ Jin began, but was cut off by a flash of lightning and thunder, jolting us back to reality. In a matter of moments, we could feel the rain pelting down on us.

“Ah, shit-“ both of us cursed and made a dash for my house for shelter.

“Ah, Y/N, can I-“ Jin hesitated, not stepping in my house just yet.

“I’m not making you stand out there in the rain, please get inside.” I insisted, holding his arm and pulling him past the doors. Jin’s hair had gotten soaked from the rain, turning a little darker. His white shirt and grey suit had also suffered from the sudden downpour.

“I’ll get you something to change into.” I said quickly. “You can just sit on the couch, it’s fine.”

Jin hesitated but sat down anyway, removing his blazer and setting it on a chair along with the flowers. Emerging from my room, I gave him an oversized shirt and some baggy shorts.

“You can wait for your clothes to dry while wearing these.”

“Thanks, Y/N.” He said, smiling again. “I’ll use your bathroom to freshen up if you don’t mind.”

I shook my head, grabbing a drink of water before going back into my room to change. By pure habit, I forgot to lock the door as I was changing and suddenly, whilst my I was only clad in my underwear, Jin knocked, opening the door and calling my name then freezing completely as he registered my half naked form.

“Oh Y/N.” Jin gulped a little. “I’m so sorry-”

“I mean, it’s not like you haven’t seen everything already, it’s fine.” I said, trying to laugh it off, quickly putting on my shirt and shorts. Jin sort of just stood rooted to where he was behind the door.

“You called for me?” I asked, bringing my hair into a loose ponytail.

“Ah, I was going to ask you if you had any a kettle for warm water. Or a dispenser.” He said nervously, most likely still affected by what had just happened.

“Yeah, of course, give me a mome-“ I said, stepping past his seemingly frozen figure but I was stopped by a strong grip on my waist.

“Y/N.” Jin said, his voice now deeper but full of hesitation. “I-” I knew where it was going.

“If you want to sleep with me, Jin-” I was interrupted by his lips meeting mine. It was surprisingly gentle. It was soft, slow and warm. I could smell him and I felt his arms pull me closer to him. But I snapped out of that little dreamt moment fast, pulling myself away from him.

“Jin-” I began, but Jin spoke first.

“I didn’t just divorce Rae because she cheated. I could have stayed. I could have done things to make it up to her. I could have forgiven her.” Jin said, rambling. “But I didn’t want to stay with her. Did you know why?”

I didn’t answer. I merely stared at Jin with a slightly shocked look.

“Because I couldn’t get your damn words out of my head.” He said, running his fingers through his semi-wet hair in frustration. “Why didn’t I choose you? Yeah, why didn’t I? I’d thought about this for so fucking long. I think deep down I knew I liked you. I loved you. I convinced myself for ages it was platonic, like how a brother loved his younger sister. That night at Taehyung’s party, when those drunkards hit on you, I was convinced my annoyance came from my need to protect you in a sibling kind of way. But now I know it was just jealousy that ate away at me. I think I knew from the moment you said yes to sleeping with me. I didn’t have the balls to just fucking admit it, and I fucked it all up.”

“Seokjin...“ I murmured, not really knowing what to say.

“I thought the feeling would go away because I thought I genuinely loved Rae. In some ways, I did. I loved how she made me feel, how I could forget about you for moments when I’m with her, but you’d always come back to my mind. It was always you, Y/N.” Jin whispered the last sentence to me, holding my face in his hand. He was so close I could feel his warm breath on my cheeks.

“I asked our friends, seeing if anyone had even heard a whisper from you since graduation.” Jin explained. “I asked everyone. It was really only two weeks ago that one of Jungkook’s old pals had stumbled upon your cafe due to its good reviews and he had told me he saw you. I did some digging and realized the cafe was yours.”

“Digging?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“I asked my consultant connections.” He said, lips turning up a little. “I finally found you, after like a whole 6 months. But I really didn’t have the courage to go in. I passed by so many times, catching glimpses of you working your ass off with only 3 other part timers.” Jin had a wistful look on his face, his hands now holding mine tightly.

“I was scared that you wouldn’t want to see me. That you still hated me for fucking everything up 5 years ago. That you’d be happy and married and... happy with someone else.” He said, voice breaking slightly at his last sentence. “My heart really sank and dropped out of my ass when I thought your ring meant you were married.”

My breath was trembling from the weight of all the emotions that flooded my being. It was so much to process. After 5 years of me running away from my own truth, it slapped me on the face that night. And that truth was that this whole time, I only had space for Jin in my heart. That was why all the dates didn’t work. That was why I never bothered to look for him because I was so hurt.

“It was always you, Jin.” I said, tears welling up in my eyes. “It was always you. And I never admitted it, but I loved you. I hated the fact that you chose Rae over me. I hated that you hid it from me. I hated how I loved the way you had touched me and made me feel that night, only to find out you thought it was a mistake.” The words wouldn’t stop coming and the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. I started raising my voice at Jin, all my pent up anger and disappointment for 5 years finally unleashing.

Jin could only take whatever I was saying, never letting go of my hand.

“I hated how you didn’t even consider settling down with me. I hated how you didn’t even come after me that day. I hated how you stopped trying after a while. I hated how you took 5 fucking years to come tell me this.” I cried, hitting his chest. “I hate that even after all this time, yesterday, today, tomorrow, it’ll always be you.”

With that, Jin took my lips as his once again. This kiss was gentle too, warmth enveloping me like a blanket. I had no idea how long we stood in our spots, just letting our lips show each other how much we had missed each other. We had so much hesitation in the start, but slowly, it grew more heated. Jin’s thumb pressed my chin down slightly, making my lips part so his tongue could sneak inside. Jin pushed me against my dining table, making me sit on it and wrap my legs around his hips as he deepened the kiss.

“I missed you so fucking much, Y/N.” He murmured against his kisses. “You have no idea.”

“You don’t have any idea how much I’ve thought about you, Kim Seokjin.” I whispered, tugging at his shirt. “So much.”

“Are you okay with this...” Jin hesitated, pausing all his movements. “The last time we did this, it ended up with us not talking for half a decade.”

“As long as you aren’t seeing any girls I don’t know about, I really doubt we’re going to repeat what happened.” I said, pulling him closer to kiss me again. He relaxed, taking that as a yes, and took off his shirt. I took a few moments to marvel at his physique that had barely changed. If anything, he looked better than ever, sculpted and toned. His skin was lighter than I remembered.

“I think I want to have a chance to admire you too.” Jin whispered, slipping his nimble hands under my shirt, taking it off me. He let out a sharp breath, continuing with the removal of my shorts too.

“I shouldn’t have even put them on.” I muttered, using my legs to tug Jin’s hips so he’d be flush against me. He grunted at the friction it caused to the growing tent under the shorts.

“I want you so badly, I really might not last long if we do it-“ Jin said nervously.

“Honestly, same, so please just fuck me already, Jin.” I told him blatantly. Jin let out a half moan at my words, lifting me into his arms and put me down on my bed.

“Let’s see what I’ve been missing.” He mumbled as he planted soft kisses on my inner thighs. I whimpered at the warm pecks, whining as they got nearer to where I knew I was already ready for him.

“You’re so wet, fuck...” Jin cursed as he removed my underwear. His fingers run the length of my slit, collecting some of my arousal. He licked his fingers, not breaking eye contact with me and I stifled a moan from how fucking hot it looked.

“You taste just like before - so damn delicious.” He moaned, pressing his tongue on my clit. I couldn’t help but buck my hips upwards, but his hands kept me down. I whimpered for more. Jin quietly complied, letting his tongue roam the expanse of my sex, toying with my clit, just knowing it drove me insane.

“Please, Jin, I need you inside me. Please...” I begged, tugging his hair a little.

“Anything for you.” He whispered, his breath tingling my core. Jin stripped his shorts off, revealing his member, already leaking and extra hard. He had scurried off, quickly grabbing a condom and put it on in a flash.

“I’d ask you to suck me off first but I really don’t think I’d last that long.” Jin muttered, pumping himself a few times before teasing my entrance. I moaned, pushing my hips against him, engulfing his tip slightly. He groaned at my unexpected movement, pushing all the way inside. I threw my head back, feeling the stretch.

“Fuck, you’re so tight. Fuck, I could cum right now.” Jin hissed, slowly moving to let me adjust. I soon grew impatient again and moved my hips, signalling for him to move. Jin’s pace was slow but he hit me hard in places I forgot I had. His hips had my vision blurred from pure ecstasy.

“Jin, you’re going to make me cum so hard like that.” I moaned, pulling his hips with my legs. He quickened his pace as I clenched around him harder and harder. “Oh god-“ I was cut off as Jin placed his lips to mine again - a gesture so intimate to me.

“Fuck-“ Jin moaned as he continued to thrust into me, his pace now unrelenting and I knew he was as greedy for release as I was.

“Let me ride you, Jin, please.” I said, pushing myself off the bed to top him. Jin nodded, sitting up as I straddled him. Repositioning him inside me, I rolled my hips quickly, making Jin close his eyes. His hands gripped me harder as our movements went faster and faster.

“I’m cumming, Jin-“ I cried, letting my orgasm take over. Jin’s hips started thrusting upwards, his lips sucked on my neck and his hands enveloped my breasts as he helped me ride out my orgasm. “Ah, ah- Jin, ah- fuck...!” My cries were drowned out by his lips on mine once again.

“I’m so close, Y/N, I’m so close to cumming because you’e clenching me so fucking hard now.” He grunted, his hips not letting up until he pushed himself over the edge. I kept rolling my hips, making sure he came just as hard as I did. His head was thrown back and his sweat rolled down in small beads as he reached his high.

“I can’t believe this is real.” He said, chuckling softly, resting his forehead on my shoulder. After a few moments, he gently moved me so that he could pull out of me. Jin discarded the condom swiftly and neatly, then came back to join me on the bed. I’d gone to get warm wet towels to clean ourselves up and he thanked me with a kiss. He pulled me into a tight embrace, and I smiled - genuinely for the first time in so long.

“Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and till we get wrenched apart by wolves or zombies when the apocalypse strikes... it’ll still be you.” Jin mimicked my words from just now, kissing my hair softly.

I do have that one person whose memories in our past had faded to mere flashes of discomfort. And that person was Jin. But that was okay with me because now, we were going to make new memories. Together.

#seokjin #bts #kim seok jin #jin #bts jin #jin bts #jin smut #bts jin smut #seokjin smut #college au #smut #bts smut #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #angst #fluff #seokjin angst #kim seokjin smut #seok jin

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braindamageforbeginners · 7 years ago

Text

Day 42 (I think), Radiation 29

Folks, when you come down with a disease, you’ll need a support structure. And you have to recognize that, just as you have your good and bad days, just as you grow and diminish with the disease; your friends and family will do that, too. Which means that, just you’re gonna go a little haywire once in a while, they will, too. You can’t hold it against them, living with a physical reminder of mortality is a hard thing. You just have to make sure the good days in that relationship outnumber the bad.

I bring this up, because I had an epiphany last night, thanks to dear old Dad. Now, full disclosure, my father is helping me out both financially and physically, so he probably qualifies for some form of sainthood, so, my apologies to everyone if it seems like I’m distorting him - that’s how art works, you make something three dimensional into a two-dimensional caricature. I’d do better if I could, that would require film, not text. For full context, we had a blood moon last night (more on that in a second), and Dad was excited to see it (he has even worse insomnia than me). He noted that it would 2038, before the next one, and got cross when I mentioned that really wasn’t anything I was planning on seeing.the next one. I didn’t do it in some mean or Robert Smith-esque way (I don’t have enough hair to be Robert Smith these days; I’m having a hard time pulling a Kenny Chesney these days, even with the considerable power of a Stetson). He’s mentioned that he’s betting this will be the last time I see this thing. And, Great Kraken knows, I’d be only too happy to see the last of this thing, too. Here’s the thing; When you saw the first trailers for the third “Transformers” movie - hideous as it all was - was anyone really dumb enough to doubt that there would be a fourth one? Because I have a stack of medical studies showing a rather alarming pattern for people like me.

Now, I’ll admit, I have great hopes for the Warlocks and Mad Scientist to keep me around for a while; but no doctor - since 2010 - has told me I’ll get the same sort of lump-sum 60 years as everyone else. I might get that much time, eventually, but it will be doled out over 6-18 month segments. Mad Scientist - who has been eerily accurate in her predictions - flat-out told me that the best she could do was keep me alive and mostly-intact between treatments. And the Warlocks, even though they’re gifted necromancers, have told me that this is a multi-year, total-focus investment before any sort of results can be guaranteed. In other words, although I might be able to eventually carve out some sort of life, planning on seeing the next blood moon is utterly ridiculous.

Now, full disclosure; right now, I’m not really upset or frightened or anything at the moment; I’m mostly just tired (when I have time to feel tired, anyway). I am Mark Watney in “The Martian” - so completely invested in surviving to next week that I don’t have time or energy to worry about the week after that (and, as I’ve mentioned, being a functioning sick person today is a full-time job)(and I am not exaggerating that). I solve a problem or two today. Then another one tomorrow. Then the next one. And I try to tell you guys how to solve them. Dad’s still worried about next year’s changes in health insurance policy (and I am too, or I would be, if I had time to stop and be worried). And this is all just a by-product revelation to the big one; and, in order to understand it, you have to understand, Dad loves plans - loves them - and loves linear progression. I’m not going to bash him for that; all human beings do; it’s a fundamental part of the species. We are exceedingly similar people; it’s just I had a few cells do a few more unexpected things happen than him. Which leads me to the major revelation of the piece, reader, and you won’t like it (my apologies). This whole time - since my initial diagnosis last July - I’ve had the nasty sensation that I’m the butt of some grotesque cosmic joke. I’m just the set-up, dear reader; you guys are the joke. Sort of. Follow me on this one.

Now, my existence is far, far more precarious than yours, but I’d argue that the real psychological difference between you and me - on a day-to-day basis - is that I’m just constantly hyper-aware of the degree to which our lives are governed by complete random chance. To understand the full implications here - because this is Kraken Planning 101 - I need you to go back and watch “Back to the Future” (whenever you’re having trouble understanding the universe, this is my go-to starting point, but it illustrates the point), and then - with that idea that linear causality isn’t often so linear - go back and make a list of the number of times your life changed - even moderately - because your alarm clock died. Or a date canceled. Or you didn’t have money to go out with your friends. There are entire lives you lived - or didn’t live - because the wind was blowing the wrong way. If you realized how much you were at the mercy of random chance, you’d curl up in bed and never leave.

And, in that sense, existence - or your existence - seems utterly ludicrous to me. My gods, you people. You talk to bill collectors. You hide your emotions from one another. You put up with loathsome characters you despise because they might offer you money. You don’t go to the gym. You buy dinner for pretty people you hate because they might kiss you. You worry about what your friends or neighbors will think. And you do all of this in a weird, vague hope of a future that will never come, not as you can comprehend it, anyway. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t plan ahead or cont on the future, but, as someone who’s already taken that bet and lost in the very worst way possible, trust me, it’s a sucker’s bet.

I’m not terribly happy right now, but I will say this - my life would’ve dramatically different if, 16 years ago, someone had told me, “Well, we zapped it this time, but it’s gonna come back in a couple of years. Go, now.” And if you start living your life in that time frame - without expecting to leave anything after a year or so - there is a strange sort of freedom that starts to enter your outlook. You don’t get the full human experience, necessarily, but, if you’re clever, you can get some concentrated ingots of it here and there. You can burn far brighter than you’d imagined possible. You don’t get to go to law school or plan a honeymoon, which sucks, but you get to focus on being the most concrete, focused, distilled version of you there is. And you will - I guarantee you - discover wild, amazing, scary things about yourself. Again, it’s not exactly an existence I’d wish upon anyone, but right now, I got three solid talents: I can figure things out very quickly, I am - historically-speaking - nigh-unkillable, and I can write exceptionally well. And that’s it. I’m placing all three of those on the Warlocks to win in the third race, and the crowd is cheering, and, yeah, there’s a solid chance I’ll lose that bet; but there is a weirdly exhilarating sensation to it all. And I have no idea how this will turn out, but I will write the shit out of every single thing that happens in the meantime.

And the writing. You guys have no idea, but you’re only just getting the very thinnest, smallest amount of output from me, because I have other stuff I have to do to stay healthy and solve day-to-day problems, but, this started as a sort-of hobby to help me work through it all. Now, there just aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all down. And I’m still not getting all this down in a comprehensible form - this is, by my standards, extremely unpolished and weird. And there’s a chance nothing at all will come to this, but, I will say this, reader - and I’ve already expressed this sort of sentiment elsewhere - but there is a bizarre, hilarious, marvelous, stupid, crazy, frightening story inside of me, and I can’t wait to figure it out. And I’ve said it before, but you have one in you, too.

The one great unifying factor to all human expression is that it doesn’t really discriminate, and we can all do it, with a few basic classes. People like Georgia O’Keefe, or Dickens, or Michelangelo didn’t accomplish what they did because they were paid, or because they wanted to - they did because they couldn’t stop. When they saw what was inside of them - what’s inside every single human being on the planet, really - they had to find out how deep that well went. It sucks that I don’t get to plan and scheme like a normal person, I’ll admit it. And it sucks that there are probably entire segments of the human experience that won’t be available to me, but, at the same time, I have absolutely no doubt that, should those things become important, I’ll be able to figure them out. And yeah, if I die in the next year or so, it’ll suck - believe me, it’ll suck - but the greater tragedy of my life, in retrospect, is that it took me this long to know I’m capable of that. Maybe. We’ll see. In six months.

Oh, before I forget; I did get up at 4 am to see the Blood Moon. And at 5:30 am. That wasn’t terribly intentional, but I figured I’d finish up the Temodar in a special way. Hopefully I’ll sleep somewhat-normally tonight, although I’m still on radiation. The radiation side-effects are unpleasant, but I’ll miss seeing the radiation folks. That’s kind of an odd admission, considering that my life should improve (eventually, anyway) once I rotate out of that, but they’re all sweethearts, and it does kind of help to have a set of friendly, consistent faces who’ll take song requests. Still, I’ll be only too happy to see the end of that wretched mask; I’m considering blowing it up with some sort of illegal fireworks or something. I’m taking suggestions on that one.

ANYWAY... WEIGHT: 221 lb. CONCENTRATION: Decent. I’m still completing complex tasks and stuff, but, as you’ve seen in this piece, I’m a little distracted and somewhat scatter-shot. I’m not focused at the moment, but I’m also exhausted and I’ve been running around a lot. APPETITE: Excellent. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Great, considering I didn’t get much sl SLEEP QUALITY: Excellent, but I’m still not getting enough sleep. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Not bad. Left hand’s having a tough time at the moment, but I think that might be more a result of pulling something in my arm than any neurological problems. PHYSICAL: Not too bad. I still have a low-grade suture head-ache but nothing that can’t be overcome with lots of Tylenol. And no temodar hang-over this morning, because I was up all night downing water and watching the moon. SIDE EFFECTS: Nothing new in this area. I have all the same problems I did a week ago, for the most part, but, sometimes the best you can ask when you have a disease, is that things don’t get worse. I mean, I have greater ambitions than very-slowly sort of imploding, but the current situation seems more of a three-steps-forward-two-steps back than a major backslide. But I could be wrong; neurological degradation is subtle; I do keep these records as a way to verify symptoms or progress.

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araneagreatlyapproves · 8 years ago

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OC Interview -- Tag Game

I appreciate the tag @stephicness xux I haven't been able/motivated to do much with my OC's lately so this should be fun. (I hope you don't mind me using that painting you gave me on my birthday in here since there's no way I could make my characters look as good as you make them look. Zero character art skillz. >u> )

RULES

1. PICK ONE OF YOUR CHARACTERS

(Cuz I can’t draw characters, and my picture taking skills are awful as well xux)

2. FILL IN THE QUESTIONS/STATEMENTS AS IF YOU ARE BEING INTERVIEWED FOR AN ARTICLE AND YOU WERE THE MUSE.

3. TAG PEOPLE TO DO THIS MEME. @garrus-the-spectre, @etherealautumn90, @irlscrooge, – Wanna give it a try?!

—–

1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? “Bastille Novum. Nice to meet you.”

2. WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME? “What do you mean?” He raised a seemingly perfect eyebrow in confusion. “That is my real name. I suppose it might seem strange to you.” The Guardian relaxed into the soft back of his seat and smiled softly. “If it's easier for you, just call me Bast.”

3. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU WERE CALLED THAT? “A name is a name. It allows others to distinguish me from a group, that is all. Seems pointless to question why when I've been dead for over a century.”

4. ARE YOU SINGLE OR TAKEN? The neon citron of his eyes seemed to intensify along with the slight blush that brightened his cheeks. “I'm currently in a relationship. Why do you ask---wait, where did you get that photo?!” He stammers while attempting to regain his composure with deep breaths.

(Art by @stephicness .u. )

5. HAVE ANY ABILITIES OR POWERS? “Well, I'm a Warlock.” He quickly answered, glad to be on a different topic. “I recently acquired the abilities of a Stormcaller. In simpler terms, my body acts as a conduit for the electricity I wield as a weapon, summoned forth from the Storm.”

6. STOP BEING A MARY SUE. “What's a 'Mary Sue'? I already told you what my name was.”

7. WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOR? “My eyes? Orangish-yellow? I'm told they resemble a flame, but I don't spend much time in front of a mirror to confirm those claims.”

8. HOW ABOUT YOUR HAIR COLOR? “You have eyes, don't you?” He muttered irritably, glancing up to spot a stray piece of hair that had fallen over his brow. “Navy Blue. Also, no. I didn't dye it.”

9. HAVE YOU ANY FAMILY MEMBERS? He sighs, leaning back into his chair once again with his hands folded neatly in his lap. “If I did, they're long dead. I don't remember much about my life before I became a Guardian, so I couldn't share their names with you even if I once knew them.”

10. OH? WHAT ABOUT PETS? “Unless Ghosts qualify as pets, no.”

11. NOW TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE. “That...is a broad question. Superficial things that I don't particularly like include ugly shaders, most Warlock armor, individuals with high-pitched voices, and overly sweet food, to name a few.” He mutters, averting his gaze from the interviewer. “The short list of significant things that I dislike would depress you, so I'd prefer not to share.”

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES YOU LIKE DOING? “I never really thought about it.” He mused honestly, closing his eyes momentarily to think while one hand wandered up to rest inquisitively on his chin. He opened his eyes and an exasperated sigh escaped his lips. “Well, I enjoy reading. All genres including academic texts, but what I really love is traveling. I would lose my mind if I had to spend all of my time on Earth. I can literally fly anywhere and it's extremely freeing.” He pauses a moment, a forlorn expression taking over his features.. “I used to love cave-diving and participating in archeological digs...but I had an incident a few years back and I can't bring myself to do it anymore, let alone enjoy it.”

13. EVER HURT ANYONE BEFORE? "Yes, I have.”

14. EVER…KILLED ANYONE BEFORE? He frowns “More than I care to count.”

15. WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU? “...I am not particularly sure how to answer that question.”

16. NAME YOUR WORST HABITS. “I tend to be a control freak, and that causes a lot of problems for me; with my team, my boyfriend, and even my own abilities.” He admits, crossing his hands over his lap again and tapping his boot against the floor. “I also have a tendency to over-think things that would better be left alone. Other than that though, I guess I'm also a picky eater.” He grinned slightly as he paused to think again. “I'm sure Isaiah could think of more if you feel like interviewing him next.”

17. DO YOU LOOK UP TO ANYONE AT ALL? “These questions are getting pretty personal.” He judgmentally appraised with a suspicious look in his eye “Someone I look up to…? I suppose that would be my clan leader, Senen-12. She's strong, independent, skilled and holds our team together. I don't know what my clan and I would do without her, if you must know.”

18. GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL? "It seems to me like you already know the answer to that question.” He bashfully gestures to the photo of him and Isaiah.

19. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? “Not conventional school, no. As a Guardian it's my job to self-educate, but I don't typically learn about mundane topics like English and math. Mostly it's lore, mysticism, and the weaknesses of my enemies. Much more interesting, right?”

20. DO YOU EVER WANT TO MARRY AND HAVE KIDS ONE DAY? Instead of getting angry or flustered, like what would have been his normal reaction, he appeared taken aback and he sunk into his seat in thought. One hand shifted to support his forehead, as if he had a migraine. “I, uh...” he stammered, swallowing loudly. “Having children isn't really an option for Guardians like me, I wouldn't really want any even if it were an option. I'm not really the 'fatherly' type. And marriage?” His free hand wandered to his robe pocket and reached inside to fiddle with something there. “I've debated with myself, especially recently, if binding myself to someone is worth it. It seems like it would just hurt much, much more to lose that person after being bound like that. No matter how much you love them.” He glanced up finally, his eyes sparkling despite the melancholy in his voice. “Then again, I've always been a bit of a masochist...~”

21. DO YOU HAVE ANY FANBOYS/FANGIRLS? He shook his head abruptly, in part as an answer to the question, and also to recompose himself after the previous question. “No, no, no. I'm not nearly that popular. Though, Isaiah gushes over me. I don't think he qualifies, however. He's biased.”

22. WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF? His eyes darken and he has to avert his gaze for a moment. “If I have to be absolutely honest, I would have to say that my greatest fear is watching those I hold dear being hurt and not being able to do anything about it...”

23. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY WEAR? “I usually just wear basic Warlock armor. We're permitted to customize and spice up our look with shaders, but it's all pretty basic. Arms, legs, a robe, helmet, and then a Warlock bond; all of which is our choice, of course. I'm just glad I don't have to wear a cape like a Hunter. I can't imagine how badly those things get in the way.”

24. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE? A warm smile curls his soft lips and he chuckles bashfully. “Of course I do, haven't you been listening?”

25. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WET YOURSELF? "You think I would be cowardly enough to do something like that?”

26. WELL, IT’S NOT OVER YET! "Really? I was under the impression that this was going to be a quick interview. Keep any further personal questions to a minimum, okay?”

27. WHAT CLASS ARE YOU? (HIGH CLASS, MIDDLE CLASS, LOW CLASS) "I don't think things like 'class' define anyone left on Earth.”

28. HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE? “I have a small circle of friends, that I don't care to count, which really only consist of two Fireteams; Fireteam Regis, Isaiah's fireteam, and Fireteam Autem, which is mine.”

29. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PIE? "Most pies are too sweet for my tastes.”

30. FAVORITE DRINK? “Water?”

31. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE? “That's the beauty of having the ability to travel space in seconds; I don't need to choose.”

32. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SOMEONE… “...I refuse to repeat myself. Take a look at your notes from previous questions and figure out the answer yourself.”

33. WHAT’S YOUR BRA CUP SIZE AND/OR HOW BIG IS YOUR WILLY? “I—I don’t think that's ANY concern of yours…!” He stammers, quickly crossing his legs as if to hide.

34. WOULD YOU RATHER SWIM IN THE LAKE OR THE OCEAN? He shrugs his shoulders with his palms up. “A lake, probably, if I had the choice. Though...it's probably not a good idea for me to be in any body of water, especially with others, for the time being. I don't quite have a handle on my Stormcaller abilities yet, and I would hate to electrocute someone by mistake.”

35. WHAT’S YOUR TYPE? A smile brightens his face again and his gaze seems far off, as if he's picturing someone in particular. His fingertips dance across his curled lips as he thinks. “Strong, but gentle and compassionate. Maybe even a little immature. Someone who's confident and straightforward enough to show and tell me what they want.” For a moment he pauses, his mind wandering and his free hand returning to his pocket. “Someone who makes me laugh, and even embarrasses me at times because they love so deeply.” He laughs softly under his breath, recalling a moment from his past. After a moment, he shifts in his seat, still smiling. “I also prefer them to have lavender skin, purple hair, and beautiful blue eyes. If that isn't specific enough for you.”

36. ANY FETISHES? “THAT is definitely not any of your business.”

37. SEME OR UKE? TOP OR BOTTOM? DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE? “What is your obsession with my sex life?” He growls, clearly irritated. He stubbornly crosses his arms over his chest and sighs, resigning to surrendering himself to that particular kind of question. “Fine. I prefer a more...submissive role, but I'm not opposed to other roles either. It's a spur of the moment kind of thing...” he continually grumbles as he explains and eventually makes eye contact again.

38. CAMPING OR INDOORS? “Indoors. I prefer the comfort of my own home. Camping usually involves being shot at or ambushed.”

39. ARE YOU WANTING THIS QUIZ TO END? “Yes. I've been waiting for this 'quiz' to end since you asked me if I was single or taken. May I leave now?”

#tag game #ocs #my ocs #destiny #Bastille Novum #Isaiah Kol #friend oc #fun stuff #enjoyed being able to write a bit #my baby and his boyfriend #what was in his pocket I wonder? >u>#my baby bast

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missmichellebelle · 8 years ago

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i keep on dreaming for me

How anyone, even Armin, can’t see the pure beauty and artistry when Levi Ackerman skates is beyond him.

abc au challenge: “i” is for “ice skating”

alternatively: ereri!!! on ice

ereri. [ ao3 ] 5.8k

“I’ve figured it out,” Eren says as soon as his call is answered on the sixth ring of the fifth consecutive phone call.

“Eren?” Armin answers blearily from the other end. “Eren, it’s… It’s nearly four in the morning.”

“Huh?” His eyes flick to the tiny numbers at the top of his laptop. Huh. So it is. “Whatever, that’s not important—”

“I mean, I was sleeping—”

“—what’s important is that I’ve figured it out,” Eren says again, gripping his phone tightly. There’s a heavy sigh and groan on the other end of the line.

“Figured what out?” Armin asks, voice heavy, and Eren grins manically.

“I’m at a height disadvantage!” Eren exclaims. “That’s the only thing that explains it. You know, usually, to achieve height in your jumps you have to have height yourself, but I think Levi Ackerman can get the height and distance in his jumps because he’s more compact than the rest of us.”

“Oh my god.”

“Right?! So now I just need to focus on compensating for that. Is there a way to compensate for that scoring wise? I guess I could change the double to a triple in the combination at the end of my free program, but I don’t know if Hannes will let me considering I threw up after rehearsing the other day, but—”

“I can’t believe you called me at four in the morning to talk about Levi Ackerman,” Armin grouses. “I’m going back to bed. Stop watching Levi’s free skates from the last decade and get some sleep.” The line clicks dead, and Eren stares at the phone in shock. Had Armin just hung up on him?

In reality, Eren’s not surprised. Armin is his best friend, but he’s never really understood all of the intricacies of competitive ice skating, even if he is the smartest person Eren knows. At least he’s good at math, and understands the scoring system way better than Eren himself does.

Eren looks at the screen of his laptop, where a YouTube video is paused on Levi Ackerman’s 2010 Cup of China FS. It’s set to Chopin’s Les Sylphides, and will end up being the program that wins him his first gold at the Grand Prix Final a month later in the very same rink. Eren sighs, resting his cheek in his hand, eyes traveling the clean lines of Levi’s paused figure in the middle of a combination spin, poised in a flawless Biellmann. How anyone, even Armin, can’t see the pure beauty and artistry when Levi Ackerman skates is beyond him.

He blinks rapidly, dragging the player back to the start of the performance, Levi’s face composed and calm as he prepares to take to the ice. He’s so much younger, just shy of 19—only a little younger than Eren is currently. It’s a reminder that Eren is fully capable of taking gold in his first ever Grand Prix Series.

And that Levi’s time on the ice is dwindling.

“Don’t retire yet,” Eren tells the figure on the screen tiredly, dragging his finger across the image. Shit, he needs to go to bed. Hannes is going to beat his ass tomorrow for not getting any sleep. Eren yawns, considers his laptop screen, and hits play. He’ll just watch the program a few more times. It is his favorite, after all.

The ice is marred with countless lines, cutting through and across it like a spiderweb, and Eren’s blades easily fall into the grooves of the figure eights he’s been cutting as well as the paths his rinkmates had traveled. He’s alone now, save for Armin, who is studiously fixated on his tablet and not on Eren. It’s the most alone he can be at the rink, though, on Hannes’ orders.

(“You don’t think of these things,” Hannes had said, arms crossed and eyes furious. “If you fell out there on the ice by yourself, then what?” Eren had held up his cell phone, and been rewarded with a sharp smack to the back of his head.

So Armin comes with him now, usually with the promise of pølse afterwards.)

Skating has always calmed him. He knows he can get a little over-excited, a little hot-headed. That he’s prone to throwing up his blinders and pushing forward like a steam engine with little regard to where he’s actually going and what he’s ignoring or bulldozing over in order to get there. His mother tells him it was worse, when he was younger. That sometimes the only thing that got him to behave was the promise of going up the hill to the iced over lake in the wintertime, where Eren was, as his mother liked to say, “as mellow and obedient as a dove.”

Eren might not consider himself a dove, but he’d certainly taken to skating like a duck to water. He had a natural talent for it, and with time grew in his confidence and skill as a skater, relying it on the one thing in his life he consistently did not fail at. Unfortunately, there was little opportunity for him to flourish as a skater in Triberg, and he knew too little of the world of ice skating to ever try to reach further.

It wasn’t until he was 13 and saw Levi Ackerman’s performance at the 2010 Grand Prix Series on his family’s ancient computer that Eren even considered the possibility of his hobby becoming something more.

At 14, he participated in his first local juniors competition in Stuttgart. He had no formal training, no coach, and no experience in the competition circuit.

And he lost.

Horrendously.

“Don’t you ever rest when I tell you to?” Hannes voice echoes across the ice, and Eren pivots quickly to face him, startled.

“I am resting,” Eren retorts, falling into an easy backwards glide, a grin on his face. Hannes raises an eyebrow silently, before turning to Armin.

“He’s trying to turn the double toe loop at the end of his combination into a triple,” Armin says easily, never looking up from his tablet, and Eren gasps.

“Armin!”

“Another triple, Eren?” Hannes turns to him, frowning. “In your combination jump? That combination is in the second half of your free program.”

Eren comes to a stop on the ice, grabbing his arm self consciously and shrugging.

“Okay, yeah, I know, but—”

“You’re already pushing yourself doing a quad-triple-double, you touch down with your hand on the landing more times in practice than not, you don’t have the stamina—”

“No, really, I can do it! I know I can do it!” Eren feels anger rush hot and sharp up his spine, making his skin prickly and warm even out on the ice. “If I practice it a little more, I know I can—”

“We leave for Canada tomorrow!” Hannes cuts in. He’s using his coaching voice. The voice he only uses when Eren has really, really fucked up, or really, really gotten on his nerves. The fierce look on his face softens, and Hannes sighs, tugging a hand through his cropped hair. “I know you admire the guy, Eren, but you’re not Levi Ackerman.”

Eren stares down at the ice, teeth sharp in his lip, and gives a tight nod.

He knows he can do the triple. He knows he can, even if Hannes doesn’t believe him. He might be struggling to even land the double at the end, being so close to the end of his program, but it’ll be different once he’s in competition. Once there are stakes.

Eren has always performed best under pressure, and this time, he’s under the most pressure he’s ever been under. He’s qualified for the Grand Prix series for the first time in his career, and is the only male German skater with a high enough TES to even qualify. He’s been a nobody in terms of figure skating since Marta became his coach after his failure in Stuttgart. She had taken something raw and polished it, but Hannes has turned him into the potential champion he is. He’d seen the gem of Eren’s talent and known exactly how to harness it to its fullest potential.

He knows he wouldn’t have taken gold at German Nationals last season without him.

“I know you like to let off steam on the ice, but at this rate, you’re over practicing. The last thing you need is an injury four days before Skate Canada.” Hannes voice is gentler, and he holds up Eren’s skate guards with a forced look of patience. Eren sighs, loosening the lines of his body and skating over to the boards.

Eren stops just before exiting the ice, resting his elbows on the barricade and tilting his head inquisitively at his coach.

“You really don’t think I could land that last triple?” He hedges again.

“Eren.” Hannes’ voice is hard as steel, and Eren flashes his palms, placatingly. “Just skate it the way you did in practice.” Hannes claps him on the shoulder. “You’ve got this.” He gives a squeeze. “You know you’ve got this.”

Eren flashes a grin at him, because he does know that. He has both of his routines down. His skating is the best its been in his career. Hannes has nursed a fledgling into a bird, and Eren is ready to fly.

But he’s still going to do the triple, even if Hannes doesn’t think he can.

Because Skate Canada is a lot of firsts for Eren, but the biggest one is that he will be sharing the ice with Levi Ackerman for the first time. Levi Ackerman will see Eren skate, and Eren wants to show him that he can do this.

He can do this.

He can win.

It’s raining when they land at Toronto Pearson International Airport. Nothing potentially damning that would have had their flight canceled or severely delayed, thankfully, although they do spend longer on the tarmac than anyone on the plane is happy about. The rain isn’t particularly heavy, and outside the tiny square window of the airplane, the landscape is shrouded in what looks more like mist. It’s all very magical, although that might just be the fact that this is Eren’s first venture across the Atlantic. Hannes had threatened to sedate him at their layover in New York, because Eren kept taking pictures of and with everything, exclaiming things in German and then in English.

By the time they make their way off the plane, Hannes’ entire body is sagging with exhaustion, and Eren knows the only thing keeping him upright is adrenaline. It’s well into the evening in Toronto, but back in Oslo, it’s late. Not later than Eren usually stays up, but he also just spent the last 15 hours traveling and he knows he’ll be feeling it soon.

He stops Hannes once before they reach baggage claim to buy a map.

“Put it away,” Hannes tells him as they make their way to the baggage carousel. It’s on, but empty. “We’re here for nearly a week, and you have plenty of time to sight-see.”

“I’m not tired,” Eren counters, because he doesn’t feel tired.

(Yet.)

There’s a jittery feeling all the way down to his bones, and if Eren wasn’t so intent to go out and see this new and strange place from end-to-end, he would consider hitting the rink. He could probably skate every single program in his repertoire with this much energy.

Hannes’ hand lands heavy on his shoulder, giving him a firm pat.

“You have a competition in a few days. Don’t push yourself.” Hannes’ pat turns into a gentle shove. “Except in practice, ja?”

“Ja, ja,” Eren concedes, but only because the longer they wait for their fucking suitcases, the more tired he feels, his energy flagging as it’s replaced with boredom.

Once they finally make it to their hotel, Eren is exhausted to the point of nearly throwing a tantrum, and Hannes is quick to send him off to their room once they have their keycards. He also mentions something about badges and checking-in, but Eren is already halfway to the elevator banks by the time the words even register.

“Ah, hold the elevator!” He calls, stumbling far too easily over his own feet for someone who spends about 70% of their time in ice skates, and all but collapses against the elevator when he manages to make it. He’s sure another elevator would have been down any moment, but every second between him and his pillow at this point is torture.

“Floor?” The single other person in the elevator asks.

“Ah.” Eren shakes the hair out of his eyes, blinking tiredly. “Eigh—oh my god, you’re Hanji Zoë.”

His elevator partner is Hanji Zoë, who blinks at him owlishly behind their glasses, and then smiles.

“Eight, you said?” They hum and press the button, and neither confirm nor deny that they are Hanji Zoë. Eren stares, sure that his mouth is open, and wishes he would say something.

By the time Eren had discovered international figure skating, Hanji Zöe had already retired, but that didn’t mean their legacy wasn’t a staple of the sport. An Australian skater, they had entered the ladies singles as a junior, becoming The Skater to Watch with their beautifully executed but heavily technical performances and penchant for pairing masculine costumes with feminine music, and vice versa. They swept competitions their first three years of their senior career, and then immediately announced that they had outgrown the Woman’s circuit and would begin participating in the Men’s competitions.

Their career literally rocked the foundations of figure skating.

Ask for a picture. For an autograph. Anything.

You’re literally five feet from a LEGEND. Say SOMETHING.

Talk about how you’re a skater. How this is your first Grand Prix. About winning Nationals last year.

Mention literally anything.

In fact do anything other than stare. Say any words. Any words will do.

Wait, if Hanji Zoë is here, that means—?!

“You’re coaching Levi Ackerman.”

Okay, he did say any words, and those words, even if they aren’t the best ones.

Hanji Zoë lets out a short bark of a laugh.

“Coaching. Sure. Let’s call it that.” They grin at him. “Hey, I know you.”

What?!

“You got gold at the German Nationals last year, right? Jaeger?”

Did he say that out loud? He must have, there’s no way someone like Hanji Zöe would know that.

“Uh—”

“Pity you didn’t participate in the European Championships. I’m sure you would have made quite a showing at Worlds, eh?” Hanji Zoë grins at him again, and Eren is sure at this point that he’s dreaming. There is no way Hanji Zoë knows who he is, much less anything about his skating career. “This year, right?”

“I…” Eren’s mouth flaps like a fish. He’s not often speechless, but it’s hard not to be when a literal living legend in figure skating is praising you. “I’ll have to place at the Grand Prix o-or the European Championships, yeah.”

“You got that in the bag, kiddo. I’ve seen what you can do. The speed of your choreography, your step sequences in particular, is breathtaking. Oh!” The elevator stops on the seventh floor. “This is me. Goodnight, Eren Jaeger.” They do a little wave of their fingers, and then they’re gone, the elevator doors gliding shut and shielding them from Eren’s gaping stare.

What just happened?

By the time Eren’s head connects with his pillow, he’s sure it was all some crazy vivid hallucination. It’s the only way it makes any sense.

His eyes open to darkness, without the aide of an alarm. Which is weird because Eren hardly ever wakes up before noon without Armin physically rolling him out of bed, or Hannes instructing him to be at the rink at a certain time.

(Eren only ever sets an alarm for skating.)

But they’re in Canada early, as per Eren’s request. He missed Worlds in Boston last year, and he had wanted some time before the competition to be a North American tourist. Hannes had begrudgingly complied, and now Eren can do Canadian things, like meet a moose and eat poutine. And what was that place Armin told him about? Tom Something-or-Other? Whatever it is, Eren definitely has to go there, too.

Unfortunately, it’s just barely 5am locally, and Eren doubts Hannes would appreciate being woken up before the sun or having Eren disappear two days before what is one of the biggest events of his life. Making the podium at Skate Canada will put Eren one step closer to his first international competition, and just the thought has him catapulting out of bed (as quietly as he can manage) and into the bathroom.

It might be too early to meet a moose, but it’s never too early to skate.

(…probably.)

And Hannes will probably be too ecstatic that Eren chose practice over sight-seeing and forget that he told Eren never to practice alone. All around, it’s a pretty solid plan.

His stomach growls, and he hopes there’s someplace in the hotel that serves breakfast this early.

The rink isn’t open when he gets there.

And he’s really not sure if it’s supposed to open at 6am, or if the staff that’s prepping for the event take pity on him after watching him wait outside for twenty minutes. Either way, he’s grateful. He babbles at the woman who unlocks the doors for him in excited German, grins sheepishly, and then switches to English, and her laugh is effectively charmed as she shows him the way to the locker rooms and then points out how to get to the rink.

“Just don’t get in the way,” she reminds him, and after making several assurances that he won’t, she hurries away to get back to work and Eren is left with a blissfully empty and silent rink. It feels like Christmas has come early.

The ice is perfectly polished, and his body nearly shakes with nerves as he laces his skates. He’s been the first to take to the ice back at his home rink in Oslo, but it never fails to fill him with an innate sense of glee. There’s just something about looking down and knowing that every cut, every line, every knick, is one that he made.

He has no music, but he doesn’t need it, tracing circles around the edge of the rink and then cutting figures when he gets bored, letting his body reacquaint itself with the motions before he tries anything more strenuous. He’s been focusing heavily on his jumps, and while they aren’t perfect, they’re solid (well, that triple at the end of his combination withstanding, but he’ll… He’ll get it down). He knows his step sequence could use some attention—after all, they’re what he’s known for, and he’d hate not to deliver.

Eren rocks his head back and forth a bit, humming the music softly to himself until he can get a feel for the rhythm. Once he finds it, he saves his breath for skating, the lyrics and melody running through his mind reliable enough for a solo practice.

It needs to be tighter. He runs it again.

Faster. Again.

He forgot his arms that time. Again.

“Jaeger, right?”

Eren doesn’t stumble. His foot glides around easily, breaking him out of his step and stilling him in a gracefulness he only ever has on the ice. But just because he managed to keep his composure, and his footing, doesn’t mean the voice doesn’t surprise him—and not just because he had thought he was alone.

He knows that voice.

And when he looks over to the guard, there is Levi fucking Ackerman, watching him like they’ve been rinkmates for five years.

Eren’s rather eloquent response is, “Uh…”

First he dreams about meeting Hanji Zöe in an elevator, and now Levi Ackerman is watching him skate? Eren tries to remember if he accepted those sleeping pills from Hannes on the flight from Norway, because that’s the only thing that would be able to explain all of this.

“You took gold at the German Nationals last year?” Levi continues, looking slightly irate as he does so.

“Yeah?” Eren asks, like it wasn’t one of the best moments of his life. He’d cried on national television and hadn’t even felt embarrassed about it afterwards.

Levi nods to himself, and then falls silent, eyes drifting away from Eren to take in the full expanse of the ring, and Eren just… Stands there. Not saying anything. Despite the fact that the best figure skater of their generation is right there. His idol. If Eren’s not careful, he’s going to start babbling about how he’s seen every single one of Levi’s performances, how he draws inspiration from them, how he mixes and matches his favorite parts into his own choreography.

It’s the only thing that makes any of this feel real. If this was a dream, Eren would not be having a sudden onset of being utterly starstruck. He would be suave, and friendly, and eloquent. Levi would treat him like an old friend and a worthy competitor.

“Are you here by yourself?”

Then again, Levi is, like, actually talking to him, so maybe it is a dream? Because it’s not exactly a secret that Levi kind of hates everyone. He doesn’t socialize with any of the other skaters. He skates, he wins gold, he goes home to train some more. Hell, he’s being trained by Hanji Zöe and their relationship seems strained at best.

“Are all German skaters such airheads? No wonder no one from your country has made it to the Grand Prix Finals in a decade.”

“I’m sorry, what?” That sounded like an insult, but in all honesty, Eren is still trying to make sense of what is happening and isn’t really paying much attention to, well… What is happening.

And even if it was an insult, it was one of Levi Ackerman’s insults. How many people can say they’ve been insulted by The Levi Ackerman?

(Probably quite a few, but Eren’s never been one of them before this moment, so he’s going to cherish it either way.)

“I asked if you were here by yourself.” If possible, the glower on Levi’s face darkens. It’s… A little terrifying.

(But also, ohmygod, Levi Ackerman is glaring at him.)

On the ice, Levi is the epitome of poise. His programs have always been incredibly emotional, but they’ve always made Eren feel a sense of peace. Levi was just so put together on the ice, it was hard not to see how calm and steady he was. It was like taking deep, even breaths. When he was younger, before he had indulged in reading far too many interviews and watching hundreds of video segments, Eren had always assumed that being around Levi would be… Grounding. Comforting.

That is the furthest from what Eren is feeling right in that moment.

“Uh, ja.” Eren ruffles his hair. “Yes,” he corrects, after a moment. Levi has been to nearly every country in the world at this point, but Eren has a feeling he wouldn’t appreciate a sudden onslaught of German. “My coach is still asleep. It was a long journey from Norway.”

The time difference must be of very little consequence to Levi, who only had to come up from California.

“You’re a fucking idiot.”

This time, Eren is startled enough by the insult that one of his skates slides slightly of its own accord, and he scrambles for a moment, desperate to keep his balance. He does manage to find it, and can at least be thankful that he didn’t fall on his face in front of his idol.

When he looks over, the look that greets him is simultaneously livid and aloof.

(Intense.)

“Uh—”

“Skating by yourself, you want to get fucking injured?”

It’s the same argument that Hannes always gives him, but this is different. Well, duh, it’s different, Hannes was a respectable skater in his time, but he wasn’t a legend. He wasn’t Levi Ackerman. And in all the places Eren would talk back, would get agitated or angry, there’s… Nothing.

He stares at Levi blankly.

“And people feel bad for my coach.” His voice is lower, like he’s not exactly talking to Eren anymore. He leans his elbows on the guard wall. “You must be a fucking handful.”

“How long have you been here?” Eren is surprised to hear his own voice. Levi stares back at him, impassive and unimpressed. “In the rink?”

Almost as if the action bores him, Levi pulls out his phone.

“Maybe twenty minutes,” he says, like he isn’t quite sure why the information is important.

Some tension eases out of Eren’s shoulders, and he glides back on his skates a bit, letting himself smile as his brain starts to function at a base level again.

“Then I wasn’t really by myself.” He gives a shrug, letting his body fall into lazy figures again, more so that he can concentrate on Levi and less on what his feet are doing.

Levi looks momentarily gobsmacked by Eren’s statement, but it quickly smooths back into his neutral, uninterested expression.

“Fucking smart ass.”

Eren twists his face away just enough to smirk a little bit.

Even though he is now catching up with the fact that Levi has been quietly standing there, watching him skate the same thing over and over and over and over again. The revelation causes the curve of Eren’s skate to turn into a sharp pivot, and he has to quickly dig his toe pick into the ice to avoid falling.

(…again.)

When he glances over to see if Levi noticed, he’s gone. Eren feels disappointment well up in him immediately—I didn’t ask him what he thought of my skating, I didn’t ask for a selfie, I didn’t ask how he really felt to win his first gold medal at 19, I didn’t—and he swings his head around, wondering if maybe he’ll at least catch sight of Levi’s retreating back.

Instead, he finds Levi at the entrance to the ice, pulling off his skate guards and then stepping onto the ice.

Eren is positive that he stops breathing for a few moments.

(He’s on the same ice as Levi Ackerman.

He’s on the same ice as LEVI ACKERMAN.)

If there was ever a time for him to faint, it would be right then.

He is immensely grateful that he doesn’t.

Eren has never been fortunate enough to see Levi skate in person, and the sight of it now fills Eren’s entire chest with this quivering feeling, like he might start crying at any second.

It’s beautiful. He’s beautiful. He doesn’t skate on the ice, he floats across it, every angle of his limbs from the tilt of his chin to the curve of his hands is elegant, and Eren can’t bring himself to do anything but stare.

I’ve dreamed about this moment since I was 13.

Levi comes to a stop and looks at him, and it’s only then that Eren realizes he said it out loud.

“Uh.” Shit. Shit. He glances towards the exit and wonders how long it would take him to get there.

He knows he’s faster than Levi. He could make it.

(Would Levi even chase him? There’s no reason for him to.)

But Eren hesitates, glancing back at Levi. He hasn’t moved, his entire body stock still, and even then, he still looks beautiful. People have been saying that Levi Ackerman was born for the ice, but he never realized just how true it was.

You’re never going to have this opportunity again.

Eren worries his bottom lip, shakes his head, and let’s out a small, disbelieving chuckle.

“Ich kann nicht glauben, dass ich das mache,” Eren mutters, dragging a hand through his hair. He steels himself, takes a deep breath, and says, “I was 13 the first time I watched you skate. At the Cup of China in 2010.” He tips his head to the side slightly. “Your free program inspired me to get into competitive skating.” Eren drags his skate on the ice slightly, focusing on the sharp, straight line more than the words tumbling stilted and awkwardly out of his mouth. “I saw you, and I thought, I want to do that. I want to skate like he does.”

It’s not a secret, but it’s still embarrassing to tell to this particular audience. His family knows, and his coaches, and his friends. He’d even confided in some interviews that the reason he’d gotten into skating was because of Levi. That Levi’s routines had inspired his own through the years. That he strived to have that natural grace on the ice, the haunting emotion in his routines, those elegantly lovely spins.

Levi might know that Eren won gold at Nationals last season. That doesn’t mean he read half-page spreads in German newspapers about him.

“So that’s what I have been working towards.” Eren scrunches his nose. “This is what I’ve been working towards.” He chances a glance at Levi, but his face is the same blank canvas, devoid of any telling emotion. Eren swallows. “Skating on an international level.” He breathes. “Skating on the same ice as you.”

There is no sound in the rink outside of Eren’s own heartbeat pounding in his ears. He waits, and he waits, and then closes his eyes and waits longer, before he hears the familiar sound of blades carving into the ice.

When he looks, Levi is easily skating past him, hands clasped behind his back, and the look he directs at Eren is completely and utterly indecipherable.

“Well.” There’s something in his tone that wasn’t there before, but Eren is at a loss to what exactly it is. “We’re both on the same ice.” Levi gestures easily with the wave of his wrist. “So skate.”

The giggle that bursts out of Eren is sudden and unbidden, and he slaps a hand over his mouth as if that might call it back. Levi raises a single eyebrow at him, but says nothing.

“Uh, yeah. Okay. Let’s… Let’s skate.”

And they do. Not together or anything, just in the same general vicinity, and Eren finds it hard to concentrate when he can look over and find Levi gliding easily into a sit spin. He has no idea if Levi is practicing his short program, or if he’s just polishing certain techniques and moves on his roster in preparation. But it’s a marvel to watch, even if it is embarrassing when Levi happens to glance over and catch him staring.

“So it wasn’t a fluke.”

That time, when Eren glances over, Levi isn’t skating at all, but is watching Eren with a calculating expression. “Your footwork,” Levi elaborates when all Eren responds with is silence. “It’s good.”

Eren’s eyes widen in shock, and he can feel his neck heating up.

Levi Ackerman just told him his footwork was good.

(He might scream. Later. In the confines of his hotel room.)

“Do you know where I can meet a moose?” Eren blurts, and his eyes widen further.

Levi blinks at him, slowly. Once. Twice.

“What?”

“I…” Eren digs his skate nervously into the ice. “I wanted to meet a Canadian moose. And my friend back in Norway, he told me about this place here, Tom Hilton or something, and I also want to go there, and—”

“And you want to try maple syrup? Or some other incredibly stereotypical thing?” Levi’s eyebrows are high on his head, and he’s looking at Eren as if he doesn’t quite believe he’s standing there, saying these things.

“No.” Eren frowns. “I’ve had maple syrup before.”

And then, for the first time in his life, despite watching every interview that exists, every competition, every scrap of recorded footage, he hears Levi laugh. He thinks that maybe all of those interviews aren’t as reliable as he thought.

“Next, representing Germany, is first timer Eren Jaeger. He took the audience and judges by storm with his fast passed and riveting short program yesterday, surprisingly set to the early 2000s hit “Fat Lip” by Sum 41.”

“Not exactly the sort of music we’re used to hearing in figure skating, eh, Gunther?”

“That’s right, Eld. But it worked in Jaeger’s favor, earning him a personal best at 88.65.”

“Putting him just behind Italy’s Marco Bott by just 1.30 points, put keeping him in solid third.”

“This is Jaeger’s first time participating in the Grand Prix Series, despite being several years into his senior career. He’s said that it’s been a dream of his since he was just 13, and that he’s hoping to surprise international audiences with his routines and get Germany back into the international figure skating scene.”

“Well, if his free program is anything like his performance yesterday, I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

“He’ll be skating to an acoustic cover of John Rzeznik’s “I’m Still Here,” continuing to showcase his theme for the season, coming of age.”

Eren sets personal bests in both his short program and his free skate, and he takes silver at Skate Canada. There is an overwhelming feeling in his chest as he stands on the podium, like an air balloon is filling his ribcage, and it’s uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time. Levi Ackerman is close enough to touch, one step and thirty points ahead of Eren.

But Eren is there, even though he played it safe and stuck to the double in his combination.

(He still touched down on the landing, and he knows he has a lot of work to do before the NHK Trophy in four weeks.)

It’s later, as the skaters and their coaches pause before tackling reporters and photographers, that he feels a sudden touch to his shoulder and turns to see Levi Ackerman there.

“Work on that jump,” he says, and Eren nods mutely. “I don’t want to see any of those fucking rookie mistakes at the final.”

His voice stills fails him, but that’s probably because his heart is where his vocal cords used to be.

Levi gives him a small shove and then walks away, hands in the pockets of his Team America jacket, and then Hanji Zöe is walking past and giving him a thumbs up.

“See you at the finals, Eren!”

A short laugh of disbelief echoes out of his throat, and Eren watches dumbly as two of the people he’s looked up to most turn the corner and disappear.

“You okay, Eren?” Hannes asks, an amused grin on his face, although Eren can see that he’s probably more shocked than Eren is.

He’s not quite sure how to answer the question, so he shrugs, smiles, and follows the same path to the lobby of the rink where the press is waiting.

If Levi Ackerman and Hanji Zöe expect him at the final, what kind of person would he be to let them down?

#ereri #riren #words by michelle #snk #attack on titan #ereri*#*abcau #ficlet: ereri #ereri!!! on ice #i wrote like the longest note forever on ao3 and i have a lot to say about this #mostly that i picked out songs for both of levi's programs and lol didn't even include them #i spent hours finding the perfect ones #i hate myself sometimes #LOL FIRST FIC IN LIKE FIVE MONTHS? hurray

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dansnaturepictures · 7 years ago

Photo

I have decided my photo of the week last week is the last I’ll ever chose, and my three photos of the year 2017 shall be my last: explanation post

The 1st picture in this photoset of autumn leaves being illuminated by the sun at Denny Wood in the New Forest was what I named my 236th Photo of the Week on Twitter yesterday for last week, to those who don’t know basically my favourite picture I took that week something I have done since 2013. After thoughtful consideration I have decided to want to make a few changes, so from this week I am no longer choosing Photos of the Week to tweet on Saturday nights and in turn my three picture category Photo of the Year system which I am busy choosing for my 2017 edition at the moment shall end too once I reveal those three pictures. I’ll firstly explain why I have made this decision, celebrate how far I have come with these activities and then introduce things that are slightly going to replace these activities for me on and offline and other “extras” to my social accounts that will be staying.

To be honest it was deciding to end my photo of the year system which drove this decision but the basic principle behind my photo of the week choosing which it shares is key to the reason. The primary reason is a positive one really as I don’t want to blow my own trumpet but I have taken so many pictures I am really proud of in 2017. So much so that my photo of the year “shortlists” which is a folder I copy every photo of the week and any other picture I like enough from that week into are far too big. The lines between what I see as a good photo I’ve taken and a bad one are so blurred now, it’s like I have the ones I really like, the ones I like, the ones I’m not quite sure how much I like and the ones I admit something didn’t quite work and I don’t like it. Last week when I had so many similar landscape pictures which I judged to be average due to my high landscape standards this year it just felt a shame and like I had pictures I liked there and by dismissing so many I wasn’t really enjoying these pictures. So this means both at the end of weeks and in serious photo of the year judging I am having to spend so much time deliberating what really deserves a place on the final shortlist and that and its becoming a bit of a chore and negative experience for me which I don’t want anything in my hobby to become.

The photo of the week choosing is part of that problem too and especially I come to dread Saturdays to an extent as I always try to get my photos and blogs posted by certain points in the evening and when I have closer choices and therefore longer choosing it just gets on my nerves a bit. I also just think with the photo of the year choosing I’ve done this one for three categories system for five years with this year’s added on and I just feel like while the process has excited me again it’s time to move on. There was also that moment on Twitter last year when someone thought me saying my Bala Lake picture was my Landscape & Sky photo of the year was me winning a competition so I guess it gets misleading and I may not have time to do all the choosing in the future going on with my life now so it feels like a good time to move on. I just look forward to in future taking pictures and being able to view them on my laptop and enjoy them, rather than look at the whole thing as a competition and be judging my photos straight away. To be honest the way I take pictures has now developed to be quite selective when I chose which photos to keep, process and upload on a day. I’ve done a lot of things a lot of times photo wise since I picked up a camera in 2009 so I suppose I’m looking to mostly take pictures on that have that X factor about them especially with the landscapes and common species I have photographed so much. So really it’s no surprise that whilst I may take a below par photo forward of something because it’s a rare bird or a landscape at a place that means a lot to me it is mostly my best pictures that are getting through now.

So I wanted to take this post to mark how far I’ve come since 2013. I am proud that I was disciplined enough to choose a photo of the week for well over 200 weeks and the 236 were actually over 238 weeks so there was only two weeks where I managed not to choose one and that was because I didn’t manage to take any photos on those weeks. So the 2nd picture in this photoset is that picture I chose as my first ever photo of the week of a Robin at Birdworld in Surrey. The 3rd picture in this photoset is one of my original photos of the year of Hathcet Pond in the New Forest my Landscape & Sky photo of the year 2013. Then as I didn’t quite reach 237 photos of the week the next (my lucky number) 7 pictures in this photoset are ones I randomly selected from my vast photo of the week spreadsheet I am proud I was able to upkeep for four years. They are; purple heather at Thursley Common in Surrey in July 2017, one of my favourite birds the Little Egret at Lymington in February 2016, Michaelmas dasies at Lymington in September 2014, White Admiral butterfly at Pamber Forest in July 2015, Ivy Lake at Blashford Lakes in March 2017, red autumn leaves at my old college in 2014 and Ashley Walk in the New Forest in 2015. So I’ll carry on my one last photo of the year choosing and post those as normal, a post on 1st November sets out the timetable. I’ll still use the system of ending my photography year six weeks early as that makes a lot of sense in spacing out all the different reveal posts and having firm decisions and obviously I started this photo of the year judging 6 weeks to the end of 2016 so even though those last 6 weeks ones won’t compete for my photo of the year in this way now I still want it to be exactly a year it spanned to end it. For the 6 intakes to the photo of the year shortlists I have left until the date I’ll end my photography year I’ll just qualify the deserved photos into it in a week. So I get experience of not thinking about choosing a photo of the week but I get to wind down the idea of judging them gradually.

I shall try and incorporate a celebration of me doing photos of the year five times on here in my story behind the ones I pick posts and this year these posts will be merged with my top 10 for each category on Tumblr. Because of a big life change which I will mention more about in due course I may not be able to do the planned Twitter photo of the year nights and the Tumblr posts may be the only way I reveal them this with the usual recap on New Year’s Eve but I will decide that for sure later. On the subject of this change it might be something that in the week I get chances to go out first before undertaking this activity which may mean photo processing and uploading will have to wait and I may not be able to post pictures on the day always and may develop backlogs. So the photo of the week and photo of the year systems give me one less thing to have to do in this scenario so makes it a bit more flexible too.

Now the thing about ending my photo of the year and week systems is when I do have spare time in the house I pump so much time into them, so I wondered what would replace them and have come up with things that might. Online wise the thing I have seen my photo of the week choosing do over the years is give people who didn’t see this one photo the first time round the chance to see it. So an idea I will try out is to retweet, quote or reply to the tweet a picture or the picture I liked best which I posted in a week, either later Saturday evening, Sunday at some point or whenever to still give that one picture another chance to be seen. Or I may consider pinning that one picture or even a couple split over a week to my profile to again give it chances to be seen again, but I usually like to pin my most popular tweet in a week for the following week too. So when I’m in patterns I may alternate it so one week my favourite picture tweet gets pinned the next week it’s the most popular one so I’m only retweeting, quoting or replying to myself for this purpose every other week but I will experiment with that starting right now. In terms of the end of year what I always seem to do on New Year’s Eve which I enjoy so much is tweeting one picture I took from each month, so that will stay. But I also want to do tweets and posts towards the end of the year saying “four more of my favourite bird pictures I took this year” are for example. As this keeps the whole idea of reviewing the year and underlining it to sign it off but is a more casual way to repost pictures I was proud to take then the whole choosing system and I think I’ll enjoy it more. My 10 Wildlife/Photography highlights of the year blogs will stay, so I intend to do them in 2018 with whatever that year brings as I love doing them, I may do them closer to the end of the year with the ability to time these to go out and I want to perhaps focus more on my blogs with these two systems gone.

But the big thing I am keeping and this change allows me to develop in an interesting way is the calendars I chose of my photos for my personal use. I usually get given two as Christmas presents each year, one for my wildlife/landscape where competition is high for places and one of pictures of my dogs. I’ve enjoyed making my dog pictures calendars over the years but now I will make one calendar solely for wildlife pictures and one for landscapes and other outdoor subjects so the minority subjects pictures I take which can include pictures of my dogs. Obviously landscapes at times include a bit of wildlife in them but the wildlife calendar will consist of close up and specific wildlife shots. This is something I have wanted to try out for ages and I think it will showcase a diverse and larger range of my best pictures well. Obviously whilst I only do it for personal use the calendar line ups will still give me something to tweet and the double choosing will perhaps fill my time a bit when needed. Because I tend to finalise my calendar line ups in May to give time to get them made and everything though I will still ensure the latter half of the previous year representation by ensuring five for each calendar have to be from this. So for example for the 2020 calendar only eight can be from the first months of 2019 maximum and five must be from 2018 after I finalised the 2019 calendar line up to make it fair.

So that’s a very long way of explaining this change I apologise. I was going to post it on Saturday but the pictures from today’s trip posted about in about an hour summed up exactly why I need to make these changes as the quality gap was just very little. I would like to thank you all for your incredible support to my photo of the year and week systems over the years. I look forward to showcasing my hobby on this amazing platform slightly differently and hope we share many more years of happiness together.

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webpostingpro-blog · 8 years ago

Text

New Post has been published on Webpostingpro

New Post has been published on https://webpostingpro.com/freedom-caucus-leader-brat-predicts-health-care-passage-within-weeks/

Freedom Caucus leader Brat predicts health care passage within weeks

GLEN ALLEN, Va. — Rep. Dave Brat, one of the conservative Freedom Caucus leaders whose resistance helped undermine the Republican fitness care inspiration ultimate month, says White House and congressional negotiators are close to a compromise that he predicts will skip the Residence inside the next three weeks.

“Inside some weeks, I think D.C.

Goes to be a touch bit shocked,” he said in an interview with Capital Download. “We’re going to get to yes.”

One motive: The results of no longer attending to sure may be catastrophic for Republicans, who’ve been promising for seven years to repeal President Obama’s signature Lower priced Care Act. “A large brawl” could follow failure to act, he warns, outraging Republican parts who anticipate them to supply.

He notes that GOP individuals of Congress already are being blasted at nearby town-hall conferences by using Democratic ingredients outraged by way of President Trump’s election.

“The new men on the block are showing up in an environment now wherein we’re having those town halls

And we’re getting simply annihilated, right?” Brat said in an interview in his district workplace, outside Richmond. He became heckled and booed at a city hall in February; he’s no longer keeping any at some stage in this congressional spoil.

“The Democrats are displaying up: The ‘Indivisible’ institution, the ‘Resist’ institution,” he said. “They said, ‘We’re disenchanted.’ They said, ‘We had been asleep; we notion Hillary was going to get in. We’re ticked off, so we’re going to take it out on you.’”

Brat, fifty-two, knows something about the power of political anger. He scored a historic upset in 2014, defeating House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in a Republican primary. It became a victory that presaged some of the upheavals that might propel Trump’s election two years later.

The Quest For The REMARKABLE Leader

Perhaps due to the fact I’ve committed four many years to figuring out, qualifying, education and consulting, to nicely over a thousand actual and/ or capability leaders, I’ve frequently pondered why so few, emerge as simply powerful and meaningful leaders. Even many that I idea had the exquisite ability, rarely lived as much as it! Maybe, I’ve set my standards unrealistically high, but shouldn’t we anticipate that from a frontrunner? Many have talked – the – speak, but only a few ever constantly, walk – the – stroll! When we look up the definition of the word, terrific, the emphasis is on being a person, who does something unique, which generates a few feeling of religion/ goodwill from others. Would not it be best if our leaders were unique, in that way? Let’s use the mnemonic method, to look at, the motives, for our by no means – ending quest, for the fantastic chief.

1. Relevant; practical: How can everybody be leading others,

Until/ unless, his message, methods, desires and priorities are Relevant? Similarly, he must be capable of remain open – minded, and many others, but maintain a company hold close to the truth, using practical dreams and expectancies!

2. Empathetic: You ought to come to the crucial fact is that being a pacesetter should by no means be approximately simply, you, or what you want/ desire, or serves your hobbies! Instead, a true leader listens attentively, discovers others’ perceptions, needs, concerns, and priorities. How are you going to lead, without an excessive diploma of empathy?

3. Mature: We need leaders who behave because of the grown – ups, reacting and behaving maturely, and ultimate on top of things. As Robert Frost wrote, who can keep your head, whilst those around you, are losing theirs and averting infantile over – reactions? Prioritize and focus on what is critical, in place of continuously sweating the petty stuff!

4. Attitude: a true, can – do, wonderful Mindset

Is not about the level of 1’s rhetoric, however Alternatively, how he lives him every – day life, and how his Mindset positively affects others! How can each person be extraordinary if he doesn’t believe he can?

5. Reliable: The greatest intentions, or even those mixed with super belongings and talents, achieve little, of the result, until you are simply, as well as perceived as being continuously Dependable!

6. Information: A first rate leader does not ought to realize it all, but ought to have a quite developed, set of property and attributes, and the right type of Expertise, with a view to assisting remodel, revel into information, and then, with any luck onto significant know-how and judgment.

7. Movements: No amount of speak approximately it, gets what’s had to be

Achieved! How will your Moves, suggest a unique, leadership – by using – example, kind of taking rate, and achieving, While others do not get matters executed? Are you geared up, willing and in a position, to conceive, prepare, and enforce, a much – wanted, motion plan?

Improve Your Health Astrologically by Being More Social

It may sound bizarre but astrology gives us enough hope, directions and realistic means to maintain an excellent health and lead a disease loose existence. All of the twelve houses are interconnected amongst themselves and propose us how one house will be reinforced with the aid of any other. Let us recognize how it could show up.

Nearly everybody has heard the phrase choose your friends accurately sooner or later in our lives from our dad and mom or different household.Good and loyal pals are difficult to come by means of. Astrologically this word holds authentic no longer only for the texture-Appropriate thing, but many other factors, an effect which includes our fitness.

Sure, astrology proves beyond doubt that our social lives affect our fitness because it has extremely good capacity to help you increase new healthful conduct.Leveraging relationships with pals and own family may be a more effective way to improve sufferers’ health and encourage new healthful habits and behaviors than growing interactions with physicians or different clinicians, the researchers noted.

We recognize that socializing is amusing, however,

What many human beings do not recognize is that spending time round different people also can play a position to your health because it strengthens the 6th and 11th houses of your horoscope.

Having a solid social network has been shown to have an impact both physically and mentally, and it’s far regularly lauded as the important thing to a protracted and wholesome existence as this improves and make stronger the moon.

Subsequent time you experience responsible approximately assembly your pal for dinner in preference to hitting the fitness center, you might need to think again. Right here are four astro-socio reasons why spending time socializing is good in your fitness.

You will Combat Off Depression

Every so often while you’re feeling down, the ultimate component you want to do is to exit and socialize, but Brihat Hora Shastra suggests that connecting with others helps improve your temper and Combat off Despair as this a easy remedy to ward off any unwell impact to your moon.

You are more Productive

Here’s a motive to go to lunch with your co-workers or to satisfy a chum for espresso for the duration of your break so they paintings make you satisfied and Productive after they went on breaks at the identical time. You may be concurrently boosting your 10th and 11th residence.

The Pressure of the Passage of Time

Some thing I have observed for a while now could be the pressure of time. How fast you are, how sluggish you’re, are you on time for an appointment, do you arrive on time, are you usually past due, do you need to arrive early? Do you feel that point is getting away on you, do you feel as if you are constantly in a midlife disaster? Do different human beings count on you to be faster? Want you to slow down?

It is hugely taxing at the endocrine system.

The Clock

We live in a society that measures things through the clock. Appointment time. Noon is lunch time; you need to devour. We have simplest a lot time in an examination. We have to be performed in our activity by a sure age.

The Fastest

The consistent Want to do matters speedy after which you’ll be satisfied. If I work tough and fast, I can finish early after which I’m able to loosen up.

At faculty we’re measured by way of who is the Fastest, who’s the primary to position up their hand, We have competitive sports activities. There is a variety of shaming around pace and how speedy you are or how sluggish you’re.

Time is vast stress.

Dinner time

I grew up in a family wherein 6pm turned into supper time. Whether or not you had been hungry or no longer. Having to manipulate your urge for food to have a meal you have to devour all up become tough as a infant because your urge for food varies. Nowadays I’ve my dinner everywhere from 4pm to 8pm depending on my appetite.

What Time Is It?

In the night if I awaken I test to look what the time is, I have been stopping myself checking and requested myself, why do I Want to know the time, what does it count? no longer checking the time has allowed me to sleep for longer and deeper as nicely.

Time Is Walking Out

I’ve always felt that I need to be further in conjunction with my success in lifestyles, I need to are becoming over those issues I’ve no longer been able to heal. Time is Strolling out. I’m lacking out on things in existence.

However its such stress to sense that point is slipping away, that if I was extra this or that or quicker, then I might have what I want. Or if things happened faster, then I would were happier.

Time absolutely is a person made assemble that puts an entire lot of stress on us.

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rmkhealth · 8 years ago

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10 Ways to get over the January Blues

January sucks, I get that. Chances are that like me, you’ve spent what seems like a blurry super enjoyable couple of weeks over Christmas partaking in the fine alcoholic refreshments whilst discussing the merits of Wordsworth’s greatest literature. You may even have nibbled on a little chocolate coated treat or two.

Now your broke, the overhang on your trouser waist looks like an oversized baggy flesh coloured jumper, and as you head back to what seems like the drudge of work each day the sobering reality of your life begins to hit you hard as all your relationships being to take a strain.

These factors are possibly why there are more recorded divorces in January than at any other time of year.

So luckily, I’ve come to the rescue, January hardship no more! Here are 10 things you can do to salvage this month.

Focus on your goals

The self-improvement movement has run out of smug induced steam lately, and it’s a good job too, because those money robbing charlatans peddling their fictitious alternative facts often did more harm than good, making people cynical and bitter in the long term when the short-term disillusionment of their fantastical myths inevitably lifted like a sobering truth filled helium balloon.

There is something in goal setting though, not the SMART acronym or the supposed “secret” fallacy of asking the universe for what you want in exchange for some matching of mystical energy. No, no, no! not at all. Goal setting is just a template for getting you focused on what you want to achieve and most importantly, what actions you should take.

I suggest trying to tap into the knowledge of the Romans. January is commonly thought of as being named after the Roman God Janus, the God of Gateways, who had two heads, one for looking back, and one for looking forward.

Try using the following chart to do this with each aspect of your life and see what you need to focus on this year.

Get some vitamin D

Have you seen the forecast lately? Along with the usual predictions of worst snowstorm since records began (they’ll get it right one day) the general outlook is gloomy. It’s kind of hard to have a sunny disposition in a grey wet climate. One thing your body will certainly be running low on within these short daytime hours is the vitamin D your body naturally produces in response to sunlight.

This vitamin is important for your wellbeing, as its responsible for stronger bones, better control of insulin and plays an important role in your immune system and brain.

Foods naturally high in vitamin D include oily fish such as salmon, tuna and mackerel, it’s also in milk, cheese and fortified cereals.

You can make some great dishes to improve your intake such as Mackeral with soy, ginger and lime with a side portion of vegetable rice, or you could have grilled salmon with avocado and sweet potato wedges. Or how about pan fried halloumi with mushrooms and steamed greens?

Plan your holiday!

Look ahead to some sun, you don’t have to book anything yet, you can just get some ideas and a few quotes and figure out your budget (how much you might need to put aside each month). This helps to give some literal light at the end of the tunnel as you look past the gloomy weather outside, plus it gives you something nice to look forward to.

Move!!!

Ever noticed how energetic kids are? It’s like they can’t stop wriggling about! The more you stay still the more stagnant you become. Get some blood flowing around your body and sure enough you’ll start to feel re-energized as your pulse raises a little and your brain begins to produce wake up feel good neurotransmitters. Do this often enough and you’ll have more energy more often!

Big bonus, you’ll also have better movement into later life, one of the reasons most adults can’t do cartwheels is because they stopped practising years ago. If you don’t use it, you lose it!

One thing I know for sure is that if I sit down too long, I don’t want to get back up again! Just a bit of concerted movement such as tidying for five or ten minutes is often enough to get me re-energized. Plus it helps to improve my environment, which in turn energizes me further. It’s hard to relax when your house is a complete mess!

Don’t move!!!

Sometimes you really do need a rest! A little break from the pressures of life. It doesn’t have to be an extravagant weekend away at a health spa, try sitting down for a nice cup of tea whilst looking out the window with no other distractions for a while. Or lie in the bath with a glass of wine, some scented candles and some soothing music whilst you relax in the bubbles. It can work wonders to give your brain a break from the constant distractions of modern day life.

Eat healthy treats

It’s only fair that we try to clean up our act in January, Christmas really is a great time to indulge and enjoy yourself. But if food is to be enjoyable from time to time without damaging our good intentions then we need to make some concessions.

The following treats (I hasten to call them that but you get the idea) are healthy and taste great

Mashed avocado with cocao and two teaspoons of honey makes a great chocolate mousse type dessert.

Frozen banana, rolled in melted dark chocolate, then add a topping such as granola or crushed nuts. Return to the freezer for twenty minutes and enjoy.

Baked apple with cinnamon, honey and walnuts

Frozen grapes with a dessert spoon of natural yoghurt

Get help

For many people the January blues are not the only time they get the blues. Feeling a bit down is a common occurrence in many people’s lives, and in lots of people, it can tip into feelings of isolation, hopelessness and despair. If you feel anything like that, then consider getting a bit of help. An outside perspective can really work wonders.

The usual way forward is to go down the medical route, you see your GP, you get a referral, and you take things from there. This step takes a lot of courage and understandable many people just aren’t ready to take that step yet.

Other options are to go private, speak to a councillor or do what I did recently and sign up to these guys.

https://www.talkspace.com/

The format works great for me, it’s flexible and for a low-cost I get to speak regularly to a qualified therapist. I’m not on the verge of a breakdown, I just find myself in need of a bit of clarity sometimes. I usually write each day to my therapist, and they give me a response later. This encourages me to look at things retrospectively and to dig deep into my own thoughts and motivations.

Breath

What happens when you get angry? Or scared? Or anxious? Among many other things, your heart rate will go up, and your breathing will become short and rapid. It’s incredible what a few minutes of deliberate long deep breaths can do for your wellbeing.

There are plenty of breathing exercise you can do, but it doesn’t have to be complex.

A simple one is just to breath in through your nose for two seconds, then purse your lips and gently breath out for 6 seconds. Repeat for at least three minutes, if you can commit to 5 or even 10 then all the better.

It’s a simple non-hype activity which can help if done regularly. It won’t solve all your problems, but it will help you to look at them with a calmer mind.

Set a fitness challenge

Ever wanted to run a half marathon? Or do a chin up? Or is there a hill nearby which you can’t imagine walking because the stairs alone get you out of breath? What physical feat could you do if you worked hard for it this year?

Here are a few things you could try

If your local to Hull then take on the Hull half Marathon

http://www.humber-half.org.uk/

Find one of these regular weekly 5k events near you, my 11 year old son did his first one this year.

https://www.parkrun.org.uk/

Or try any of these

Take on a beginners Triathlon

Give a toughmudder a go

check out these challenges across the country

See if your hard enough to do take on what our countries elite do.

Take up a new hobby

Ever wanted to strum out Slash’s solo on Guitar? Or to converse fluently with locals on your next trip abroad? Or maybe you just really want to learn how to bake and make some super tasty treats?

Maybe this year could be the year you do that? Providing you follow these crucial steps.

You must make sure you have enough time to commit to what ever you decide, it will clash with other stuff you want to do, it may mean missing T.V programmes or important family time.

You must be willing to see it through even when motivation has gone and you have to persist with the frustration of knowing you’re not really getting it yet.

Pay this goal the respect it deserves and commit to it with enthusiasm, patience and most of all be consistent.

Here are some useful links

Learn how to juggle with these videos

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=learn+how+to+juggle

Learn how to play guitar with these apps

https://appadvice.com/appguides/show/learning-guitar

learn a new language with Babbel

https://uk.babbel.com/

Going forward, I wish you all the very best of luck this year, I am sure you’ll not be at your best for all of it, neither will I be, however the intention to try our best is what counts, and the actions we take mixed in with what fortunes may or may not come our way will result in where you are this time next year.

If you want any help along the way, then get in touch with me :)

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asereardscon90-blog · 8 years ago

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What It Takes to Create an Award-Winning Business

Out of the blue, I received an email from the Abbotsford Chamber of Commerce one day notifying me that we were nominated for a 2016 Business Excellence award.

Say what?

Once I got past my shock and disbelief that they must have the wrong Susan... it began to sink in that someone out there thought we were worthy enough of this nomination. Wow, what an honour!

Part of the nomination process consisted of a 30-minute interview in front of a 3-judge panel. Imagine being forced to actually brag about yourself for a half an hour! Talk about squirming in my seat!

Fast forward to last week where the awards ceremony took place. Much to my relief, our category was up first so I could relax the rest of the evening.

To be honest, I wasn't all that anxious - I knew the odds of winning was only 1 in 7 so I waited patiently for the winner's name to be announced, not at all expecting it to be us.

But it was! We were declared the winner!

Say WHAT???

Shock and disbelief once again came over me as I took a moment to grasp what just happened. Walking to the stage was quite the blur but I managed to do it without tripping up the stairs to get our award.

In the aftermath of winning this wonderful recognition, I reflected some more about that judge's interview and how they deemed us the winner from the other worthy nominees in our category.

With that in mind, I wanted to share some of the attributes I feel helped us win this prestigious award. Without further ado, here's what it took for me to create an award-winning business:

1) Be Passionate About What You Do

We are not the first business I've created; there's been plenty others ranging from creating craft pieces to faux finish painting. But no matter what I did, I was very passionate about it.

Don't waste your time trying to run a business just to make money. You're going to tire of it very quickly and it will be harder to make sales.

But when you're passionate about what you do, others will immediately see that and will be drawn to you like a magnet.

2) Love Working With the People You Serve and Offer Exceptional Customer Service

One of the truest joys I receive is the knowing how much we are able to help a new business owner get their online presence up and running. Being a part of their joy at seeing their dream materialize into something tangible gives me just as much joy.

If you avoid answering the phone or responding to emails because you dread having to talk to a client, then you need to adjust your marketing so you attract the right people to work with.

If you don't love who you're working with, then it's hard to establish a successful business that needs to cater to your clients by making customer service a #1 priority. And that means answering the phone, responding to emails in a prompt manner, and treating every person as if they were your only client. And when you're attracting your perfect ideal client, then this should be easy to do.

Make your business about them, not you. Just remember, if you had no clients, then you'd have no business.

3) Know Your Stuff

Before even thinking about starting a web development/digital marketing business, I ensured I got the education I needed first. I attended the Vancouver Film School in their Multi-Media program and then later earned a Bachelor of Business Administration degree with a concentration in Computer Information Systems (with an A+ GPA).

Not to mention the countless online courses I've taken over the years to ensure my skills are kept up-to-date with this ever changing industry.

Sadly, I see a lot of entrepreneurs wanting to start a business with not a lot of skills or experience under their belt and then they wonder why they're struggling.

Reading a book or taking one on-line course is probably not enough to reach award-winning status. But if you're passionate about building a successful business, you'll find a way to ensure you become as qualified as needed.

4) Be Committed

Is working 15 hour days, 6-7 days a week committed enough? Yep, that's what Daniel and I do every week. We have to in order to fulfil points 2 and 3 above.

It takes a lot of time and effort to ensure your clients are taken care of properly. You also need a "do whatever it takes" level of commitment.

You might not need to work such long hours as us and trust me, we're continually working towards lessening that kind of volume but until then, we are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure our business is successful. Are you?

5) Be Consistent

Consistency shows up in many forms when running a successful business. For me, it's being consistent with my message, my brand, my Social Media presence, my newsletters, my team management, and the level of quality we bring to our clients.

Do I miss sometimes? Absolutely. But being consistent in these areas are very important to me, and I do what needs to be done in order to show up the best I can for my team and our clients.

Without consistency, it's hard to create brand ambassadors (such as the ones who nominate you for an award), loyal team members, and a steady flow of clients.

Whatever you have decided to commit to, be consistent at it and you'll be amazed at how things start to flow your way.

6) Surround Yourself With a Dedicated and Knowledgeable Team

I started off as a one-woman show. Because of my educational background, I was able to do the design, build and marketing of a website quite easily. I'm what you would call a "generalist", someone who knows a lot of about a lot of things and is a specialist in a few areas.

But my one-woman show was not going to create a successful business. Especially in this technologically-driven industry. It quickly became apparent my skillset was only going to get me so far.

So my first hire was someone who could offset my biggest weakness. Warren was a student at UFV and applied for my part time programmer position. He was a perfect complement to our company and the moment he came on board, I was relieved of having to do all the site builds myself. I could then take that time and focus on building the business instead.

It's tough to try and do everything yourself when it comes to running a business. Sure, there are expenses involved in hiring but if you hire smart, keep an eye on your bottom line, and know when to let go of those that aren't serving you best, your business will escalate far quicker than if you try to struggle with everything yourself.

This topic is worthy of a whole article itself so I encourage you to read How to Take a Solo-Entrepreneurship to the Next Level for more.

7) Have Honesty, Authenticity and Gratitude be a Part of Your Daily Life

It's sad I even need to list this as an attribute but I've been in business long enough to know not everyone adheres to these principles.

To me, this is a no-brainer - I'm not certain I could live any other way?

But judging from the stories I hear from new clients about how they were treated by their previous web developer, it sounds like many people need to be reminded of this.

No business will thrive without honesty and integrity. And a little secret: gratitude will not only make your business thrive, but your whole life too. Give it a try and see what I mean.

8) Persevere

Every business, including ours, has its ups and downs. The key to success is to not let those "downs" overcome your enthusiasm. Pick yourself back up, learn from whatever lesson there was to be learned, and keep moving forward.

If we had quit when we only had $20 credit left on our credit cards at Christmas time just a handful of years ago, we wouldn't be award winners now!

9) Invest in Your Business

Building the company has been one investment after another. It never ends really.

There's always something that needs to be worked on. Here's a short list of my recommendations on where you need to invest in your business:

a.Branding & Website

b.Marketing

c.Education

d.Building a Team

10) Understand You're Running a Business, Not a Hobby.

I think this is an important distinction to make and one many entrepreneurs aren't differentiating.

I've always looked at our company as a business and that's mostly due to my business mind and having a business degree.

But for those that simply are passionate about something and have a dream to make money off of it, it's hard to know exactly HOW to turn that dream into a business.

They end up blindly doing what they think they should be doing, all by themselves, in order to save money (or not spend money they don't have) and hope for the best.

If this sounds familiar, I'm adding another business investment to consider as your top priority: A business coach or mentor. ASAP. Otherwise, you'll probably end up just running a hobby.

11) Set up a Systemized Business Structure

I've worked with a lot of clients over the years. Some amaze me at how organized and systemized they are. And others, well, not so much.

Having a systemized business structure in place is the only reason I haven't gone insane with my daily workload.

Here's the tools we use to be more organized, efficient and less stressed.

12) Get Comfortable With Sales

Sales. It's a dirty word for many entrepreneurs and business owners alike. Me too. I hate to think of myself as a "sales person" but at the end of the day, if we're not selling our wares, we don't have a business.

Now that's not to say you need to become a pushy, in-your-face predator. Far from it.

Remember attribute #1 about being passionate? That's what you need. People will trust your passion and will respond to it. But be careful, sometimes passion can be too intense and will turn people away.

Find your sweet spot as to what resonates with your ideal clients and keep working at it. But do embrace the fact you're selling your wares and learn some strategies that fit with your personality and comfort level that will work.

13) Give Back

Giving back is an imperative attribute to have when building a successful business. We give back in several ways, here's some ideas to consider that we do:

-Offer discounted prices for non-profits

-Volunteer your services to community groups

-Send cash donations to worthy charities you believe in

-Make purchases that support worthy causes

-Donate door prizes and/or silent auction items for fund raising activities

-And support your own clients whenever you can

14) Be Accessible

When new clients approach me due to being disenchanted with their existing web developer or marketer, the most often complaint I hear is they can never get a hold of the person. Either they take forever to respond to an email or never answer their phone.

I think I'm going to write a book on how NOT to run a successful business based on this alone. It boggles my mind when I consistently hear stories like this. How are these people keeping a business going with such poor service and accessibility?

I have a policy to answer emails within a day of receipt. I often exceed that policy but sometimes the volume is too much and I get delayed in responding. Same thing with the phone. If we're available to answer, we do so. If we're not, we'll call the person back right away.

Being accessible provides peace of mind to our clients; they know we care enough about them to take care of their needs in a timely manner. 'nuff said.

There you have it. My honest take on what created the company to be an award-winning business. Maybe I need to write a book about this because, honestly, I could have added more but, it's coming into the 15th hour on this Sunday night of working so I'll leave it at that.

What about you? What would you add to the list? Please leave a comment below, I'd love to hear from you!

Susan Friesen is the founder of eVision Media, a boutique web development and Digital Marketing firm of over 15 years that specializes in designing, building and marketing professional, unique websites for entrepreneurs, businesses and organizations.

Visit http://www.ultimatewebsiteguide.ca and grab your FREE "Ultimate Guide to Improving Your Website's Profitability - 10 Critical Questions You Must Ask to Get Maximum Results".

Article Source: EzineArticles

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