#the next time someone claims that a hypothesis is a fucking FACT

[despondent-beauty]

Reject hypothesis. Return to null.

[letsbenditlikebennett]

Home No More || Ariana & Deirdre

TIMING: Yesterday Afternoon PARTIES: @deathduty & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: After her conversation with Kaden, Deirdre asks Ariana over to talk. It goes about as well as one would expect.  CONTENT: Domestic abuse mentioned

Deirdre’s house was filled with life. For the first time since its purchase, it had begun to feel like a home---in and out with a stream of friends and love. She had never known a place where the shadows did not loom, or where the silences did not bear foreboding. For once in her life, she knew a home that welcomed her. It was a home that welcomed a few. It was a home that had welcomed Ariana, once. It was a home that was welcoming her again, as Deirdre swung open her front door--slow, as if she dreaded what awaited her on the outside. “Ariana…” She greeted the young wolf with her name breathed like pain. Her house had been a place for good, she had felt some measure of pride to know it as such. Now, she bore no smile, and didn’t so much as gesture Ariana in as she simply stood aside. Beyond them, the memory of her first visit played--the trepidation in which she entered, the earnesty in which she wanted to help. The damn deer that could have killed them both, but died by their teamwork. Each time after blended in her mind, played over each other as they screamed for remembrance. “Thank you for coming,” she offered. Her stone face faltered to memory, and politeness surged back to her. “Sorry, how are you? Not too hurt? You can sit, if you’d like. I just---would like to speak to you.” 

The ominous message in her inbox had been something Ariana knew would be coming one. The only question she had was of the timing. There was only a matter of time before she found out what happened between her and Lydia. Whether she would be met with understanding was another question entirely. The only thing she could truly do that was unforgivable to Deirdre was hurt Lydia, but she hadn’t actually hurt her, had she? At least not yet though it was something she wrestled with as it became more apparent Lydia felt no remorse for the atrocities she’d caused. As such, her mood was somber as she walked up the way to Deirdre’s home, a place that had once felt like a second home to her. Now it only filled her with a sense of dread she couldn’t fully shake. Even as Deirdre opened the door, she could sense the difference. Her shoulders weren’t quite as relaxed as they normally were and her face seemed cold in a way that was unfamiliar to her, at least from Deirdre. But this was a bridge she had to cross. Above all else, after the kindness Deidre had shown her, she was owed some honesty even if it left Ariana’s palms sweaty and her heart pounding erratically. “Of course,” she said, her voice strained and tired. Deirdre seemed to become the Deirdre she knew again and some small part of her relaxed and came into the house. “I’m okay. Not hurt, really. Face is a bit sore from being punched and clawed. Different incidents. How are you? And yeah, we can talk about whatever you’d like.” She sat down on the couch unable to shake the way her stomach seemed to lurch every time she thought of telling Deirdre the truth. Moira seemed to sense her unease and was rubbing against her legs expectantly. 

If there was a bush to beat around, Deirdre couldn’t find it. She searched herself for the niceties that were supposed to be drummed up past the how are you’s. In her heart, she could not find a oh that’s good. In her mind, there was no I was worried. In her fingers, twitching at her side before she eventually curled then into a tight fist, the I’m good, thanks died. She watched Ariana sit on the couch just as she had so many times before, and nowhere was there warmth to see it. She let silence claim the space between them, and she stood still, staring, until words found her. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Betrayal cracked through her voice. “I know--I know how promise binding works. But there are ways around it. You told Kaden. You told Kaden---” And why not her? She tried to understand, and one conclusion sunk into her mind: she was fae. And though that meant she was uniquely equipped to speak to whoever bound Ariana, it also meant her loyalty laid somewhere else. Ariana must have known, she was a smart kid, after all. Pieces fell into place: Ariana’s silence, her nervousness. Deirdre could only guess, but her attempt at hypothesis rang with truth through her cold body: it must have been a fae she knew. A fae they both knew. A fae she would gladly trade Ariana’s life in for. “I could have helped. Why didn’t you tell me, Ariana?” 

The crack in Deirdre’s voice left her with a frown on her face. Did she think this was personal? She hadn’t exactly told Kaden, not until after the fact. It pained Ariana to think her actions had hurt Deirdre somehow when it sounded like all she wanted was to help. She was speaking of how she could have helped and she probably could have, but would she knowing it was Lydia? Someone she seemed to adore so deeply. She clasped her hands in her lap and steeled herself with a deep breath. “I couldn’t tell you,” she started to explain though her voice sounded foreign to even her, hollow almost, “At least I couldn’t then. That was part of the promise. I wanted to back when we talked before even though I knew you would hate this.” She hated this. This whole situation was fucked and had her doubting everything she ever believed in. She always wanted to believe there was a better way than hunting, but Lydia seemed to shake up everything she knew to be true. “I didn’t tell Kaden,” she interjected, “He figured it out when I couldn’t talk about things. He’d come to check in on me before and knew something was wrong. I did send him some cryptic texts on the full moon and shared my location with him. Part of the promise was- I had to change in the Common. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. If he knew I was there, he’d show and he wouldn’t let me.” Her hands squeezed together tighter in her lap, “Even if he had to- He’s equipped to deal with a werewolf. I didn’t-- There were so many people there, some of my kids were there-- I needed someone who knew what they were up against. Who would do what needed to be done when it came down to it- Not that he could. If it wasn’t for Rio showing up, his solution was to just let me eat him.” 

“I could have figured it out!” Deirdre hadn’t meant to raise her voice, it took the glass shaking around them for her to remember herself. It wasn’t so much the secrecy that bothered her, it was who she told. What he must have known. What he would do. What she was still refusing to share her truth about. “I could have talked to the fae, you know I could’ve.” The question of why crashed into her brain like water cliffside. The rocky shadows of her thoughts wouldn’t dare speak their theories, but the water rushed against her over and over again and she knew at some point erosion would take over. “T-that sounds like Kaden…” But humorous as it was, she couldn’t laugh. “Ariana…” Her body quivered, her eyes drifted to the system set up by the TV to play Mario Kart. Stupid as that was, she’d been practicing for the next time Ariana came over. She knew how to throw the shells now, and she was only in last place some of the time. All she had wanted was something good for Ariana, and all the wolf had thought of was secrets. “I want the truth,” she asked, only one tremble away from begging for it. “Please--please, I have to know that what I’m thinking is just...just my worried mind. Tell me the fae who bound you is someone I don’t know, tell me that you told Kaden nothing......Ariana---” It was lies she was asking for, really. And she knew it. Deirdre swallowed thickly, and tried again. “No. The truth, I want the truth this time.” 

 “It was already too late for that. I was already in the Common and the sun was setting. I would have killed you, Deirdre. I couldn’t live with myself if I-- You’re important to me and I couldn’t put you at risk. I needed a werewolf hunter who would be able to take me down if it came to it,” Ariana retorted with a slight quiver in her voice and tears threatening to pool up in her eyes. She couldn’t understand why the big problem here was that she asked Kaden for help. She was a werewolf about to feast on dozens of people. A werewolf hunter made sense. Her stomach turned as Deirdre continued pressing her. Now that she could answer these questions, she wasn’t really sure she wanted to. It was a fae that Deirdre knew, but she couldn’t tell her Kaden knew more outside of what she was forced to do at the Common. At least not until she knew Deirdre would be appalled by what Lydia had done. “I did try to drop hints for you and Morgan, but I couldn’t talk about the situation. That was not of my own choice. You should be asking why your friend chose to keep this a secret from you. I’ll tell you what happened now that I can, like I told you I wanted to before.” She was exasperated even though she felt a twinge of guilt for withholding certain details. This wasn’t how she usually did things and she cared for Deirdre. Respected her a great deal. The matter stood that Lydia couldn’t keep getting away with this. “Kaden doesn’t know much outside of the fact I had to start the full moon in the Common.” The lie felt sour on her tongue, but she stood behind it. “Anyway, it was Lydia. I thanked her once not knowing what that could be turned into. She had one of my friends locked away in her basement and I tried to save him by turning him which was stupid. She killed him, I could hear the gunshot and smell his blood when I had tried to meet him for the full moon. I confronted her about it and that’s when she collected on the thank you.” 

“Before then. Before—“ Deirdre argued lamely. She knew, perhaps just as well as Ariana did, that her real issue laid somewhere else. If only she’d known, she wanted to say, then maybe she could have stopped it all. Why didn’t anyone tell her? Her eyes grew wide as they searched desperately for the answer in Ariana. Truth came to her in echo, pounding in her ears. Lydia, Lydia, Lydia—with a rush, each sour look Ariana gave the fae at the funeral made sense. Deirdre stumbled backwards, crashing against a bookcase, rattling decorations, some of which Lydia had helped pick. Some of which Lydia had gifted. Lydia was a part of this home just as much as Ariana, she didn’t have a room to stay, but she had bottles of wine and glasses she used. That painting Morgan did at her house. All the memories of her Deirdre carried back. She existed here, in her home, in her heart. In the space where the fae was welcomed, she would not have her threatened. “You bit Sammy…” she sputtered, clawing at the truth, and then shoving it away. Wasn’t it her fault for asking questions she already knew the answer to? Lydia never told her what bit Sammy, and she never asked. Ariana never told her who her ghost friend was, and she never asked. She didn’t want to ask. Now Ariana’s silence was given meaning. There was no surprise to hear it all, only the darkness of a puzzle clicking into place. She knew Sammy’s fate. She knew all about the basement. She knew noble Ariana would not accept what Deirdre could so plainly see—humans were designed to be inferior. “You—you—“ There were sides. To every battle, there were always sides. Existing in the middle was a farce, it always had been. A million questions sat on her mind; are you lying to me, who else did you tell this? A thousand truths she could guess at. A hundred concerns. There was a side to take here, and Deirdre knew, staring at Ariana like she was a stranger, that she had already picked hers. They both had. “Get out…” she mumbled. A fae’s loyalty was with the fae, always; Deirdre waited until the voice of her mother soothed her. Only fae understand each other, and there is no greater crime than the endangerment of a fae. Ariana had no place meddling in Lydia’s life; Ariana had no place meddling in hers. She didn’t ask just how bad, how much she did, she couldn’t bear to hear it. Any more and she’d lose her last excuse to keep the wolf alive. “Get out!” Deirdre screeched. Glass flew in vortex around them; the windows thankfully reinforced, but the rest of her delicate glassware shattered. “You think you have any right to decide what happens to a fae’s property?” Deirdre bayed, face twisted with rage. She thought she might have looked like her mother then, she hoped she did. “Get out of my house!”

The quiet was quickly becoming unbearable and Ariana found she couldn’t sit still in her seat. The tension rolling of Deirdre was palpable and she could tell by the way her face contorted into an expression she’d never seen on her before that there were no bridges to mend here. Even if she could have told her before the full moon, there would have been no help or comfort to be found. Part of her had feared as much all along, but after everything, she thought maybe she had meant enough to Deirdre. She hadn’t hurt Lydia, it had very much been the other way around. Transforming in the Common endangered more than just the people around her, it made her a target. Lydia had seen no qualms with putting her life on the line when she had taken every step to make sure no harm came to Lydia, just like Sammy had asked. None of it mattered though. Not the pies. Not the afternoons spent playing Mario Kart. Not the time she’d called Deidre’s house her home. Not the small gifts she’d made for her and Morgan along the way. Not her collection of mini-fridges and Post Malone posters in the room that had been deemed hers. It all meant nothing and her throat was becoming impossibly dry, tightening up as a sob dared to break free. She wouldn’t do this. Not here. Deirdre’s mumble for her to get out had actually been welcome. The air felt too thick in here as if she was suffocating in a place that had once felt like a safe haven. “Okay,” she choked. The screech made her wince and she could hear shards of glass falling to the ground. There was no point in saying Sammy wasn’t Lydia’s property. It disgusted her to believe Deirdre could even think like that. How had she placed trust in someone who valued other’s lives so little? She felt as if she was going to be sick and instead of saying anything further, she ran out to the only place she knew to go.

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

lights will guide you home (Tokoyami Fumikage X Reader) PART 3

PART 3 to: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/189819603459/lights-will-guide-you-home-tokoyami-fumikage-x

FOLLOWS AFTER: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/612187050604675072/if-i-cant-love-her-tokoyami-fumikage-x-reader

Taglist: @shimy-deko​, @teerama​

Summary: After fumbling about in the dark, the light finally guided you home, but will everything be back the way it used to before you lost your memory?

All of my memories keep you near. In silent moments imagine you here. All of my memories keep you near. Your silent whispers, silent tears.

-‘Memories’ Within Temptation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM6PYawZ8nk

2 DAYS AGO...

“Tokoyami...”

You found yourself saying his name which just pissed off the man when he cracked open an eye, “Already thinking about your boyfriend that you left?! OH NO GIRLY! I’ll kill you!! I’ll kill your stupid boyfriend if you can’t fucking choose! It’s either him… or me!” He screamed as you finally had enough sense to realize how unstable this person was.

“No!” You shouted and used your light against him to blind him once more and you swiped the gun out of his hands as he lost control of the wheel and you couldn’t stop yourself from screaming when you heard the car screeching and swerving into another row of trees…

CRASH!!

2 DAYS LATER…

Aizawa let out a heavy sigh after finishing speaking with the Bakugou family along with All-Might at his side. They had spoken to just about every one of the 1-A student’s families in spite of the fact that one student was still missing.

Naturally the parents were very skeptical, and some were a tad bit unfriendly given the fact that while Bakugou was rescued and brought back home. One was still missing, and no one has found them yet. It gave them little reason to trust the UA staff so talking to the parents was more difficult than they thought.

“I’m highly certain that (L/N) is out there. She was last seen at the training camp wasn’t she?” All-Might tried to express some hope that you were still alive and still out there because the pro-heroes were looking around vigorously for you after your parents became extremely frantic when they found out that you were missing.

Aizawa didn’t dare tell them the exact details though about how it was another one of his students that was partially responsible for your disappearance. For he feared that would be the least logical thing to tell an extremely worried family who in their desperation and emotional states would lash out and blame the student, the school, and probably file some kind of lawsuit or something.

“She was. But Midoriya and Shouji said that she was using her quirk to fly, until Tokoyami’s quirk knocked her out of the sky. They searched the entire forest and didn’t find a body, but they did find blood.” Aizawa was more cynical about this situation, but clung to the hope that you were out there, but where were you exactly?

“Was it hers?”

“(L/N)’s blood type is (B/T). The blood they found was (B/T).” He replied neutrally, but was secretly relieved to know that the blood was yours as it meant that you were definitely in the forest, at least until they lost the trail of blood as the last droplet was found on a road.

“If these findings indicate anything, I’m going to assume that after she was attacked by Dark Shadow, she walked through that forest, found the road into town, and hitched a ride.” Was Aizawa’s best hypothesis as he thought about it based on everything that some of the pro-heroes found. However, there was something else that alarmed him. Which was news of a car crash that occurred the next morning after all the 1-A students were sent home or to the hospital.

Only the body of the driver was found, and while his car was totaled the driver survived, but the pro-heroes claimed that someone else’s blood was found in the wreck. (B/T) blood. 

“Do you think…?” All-Might had heard about this news, and he started to come up with his own theories based on how everything was slowly starting to piece together. Aizawa gave a slow nod, but at the same time he still worried, even though he wouldn’t say it. He hoped that he would see you soon, just so he could know that you were still alive, and that he could still do something to help you recover after a traumatic experience.

You were his student dammit…

BANG!

All-Might let out of a startled shout and for once Aizawa jumped ever so slightly at the sudden, loud impacting noise coming from the window as he swiftly turned to see no one other than you. Face dirtied and covered in blood, grime and your (H/C) hair a complete mess with your (E/C) eyes widened and frenzied as you had your bloody hands clasped against the glass as you heavily panted from exhaustion, desperation and terror.

“(L/N)?!” Your teacher reacted quickly when you sank to your knees and he got of the limousine fast so he could check on you. You looked horrible, cuts and scratches lacerated around your body with dried up blood across some of your more infected wounds as you trembled in your teacher’s arms when he picked you up.

“We need to get her to a hospital right now.” Aizawa didn’t hesitate as he carried you into the car and told the drive to step on it. Finally... 

You prayed to whatever deities were up there that this wasn’t a hallucination. It was Aizawa right? Not just a figment of your imagination? Please you prayed that this was truly them after walking and running for so long... 

“Young (L/N)… what kind of journey have you been through…?” All-Might asked you as you were fading in and out of consciousness and couldn’t even answer without shuddering. “No don’t speak… you’ve been through enough…” However, the former Symbol of Peace gently hushed you so you didn’t strain yourself after everything you’ve been through…

“A… Al… All M-Mmmight…?”

Blinking your tired eyes slowly, you recognized this man, he looked like some kind of, emaciated version of All-Might. No… this was All-Might, but why did he look like that? You weren’t exactly around to watch the battle between him and All For One.

“Yes… yes it’s me… please, don’t strain yourself.” He replied to you gently once it became clear that you had recognized him despite not seeing or hearing of the most recent news.

“(L/N). You need to rest, your wounds look pretty bad, so we’re taking you to the hospital. You won’t need to speak until you’re well enough to.” That was the first time you heard Aizawa speak so gently to you, and you could tell he was genuinely worried.

It was Aizawa... it was All-Might... you weren’t imagining anything...

You just wished you could tell him everything right now, especially now that you remembered everything after losing your memory even just for a little bit. Still, you heeded their wishes as you found yourself slowly closing your eyes all the while the two adults told you that everything would be okay.

Yet in the back of your head you could still see your classmates as their faces lingered in your restored memory like Izuku, Shouji...

Tokoyami...

AT THE HOSPITAL…

Post-traumatic amnesia is what they call it apparently as you were put in the hospital and had your infected wounds treated by the nurses and Recovery Girl as soon as she found out that the other lost student from UA was found, injured.

Apparently, it’s a temporary state of confusion or memory less that usually almost always happened after a traumatic brain injury, which is why you couldn’t remember what happened after you were attacked.

By Dark Shadow…

Being with that… that guy from the car, somehow triggered your memory when he made you increasingly nervous and made you use your quirk. Just activating the quirk you didn’t know you had in the moment made you remember everything, and how you even got there.

How you got attacked by your classmate completely by accident, on the run from a villain no less, when you crashed into a tree that’s when it all went black. Then when you came to is when you had no idea where you were at, at least until you found yourself in a car with some psychopath…

“Can you tell us what happened?” And once you were well enough police were already questioning you, but there was no way you were going to say that your classmate indirectly caused all of this. Not when those villains were the cause of it all…

“I was… my friends and I… we were running from a villain… the villain with the swords for teeth…” 

So you explained the situation, albeit you had to lie and say that Moonfish is the one who was responsible for your wounds. And they believed you because Moonfish was arrested and already infamous for his penchant for violence. They had no doubts that he’s the one who sliced up your back and gave you ugly wounds that had gotten infected and the nurses thankfully healed it up with their quirks.

After that you explained how you had forgotten everything and everybody until then, wandered around aimlessly from one bad situation into another with some lunatic in a car you thought would take you to safety, but no, he nearly killed you and you barely escaped with your life. And then after you got away from him you just kept walking and walking until you made your way back to the city and by some miracle, you found Aizawa after he was speaking to the Bakugou family.

Your feet and legs were sore as hell, bleeding like some of the other parts of your body, but they were finally patched up. The infections hurt like hell, but some of these doctors had quirks to make the pain go away little by little. Although you weren’t going to forget everything that happened to you in those three horrible days. There’s no way you could forget that now that your mind was cleared and everything was brought back to light.

And then you remembered something else, your classmates and Tokoyami…

Oh my God, what happened to him? After Dark Shadow attacked you just remember waking up in some deep part of that forest and asked that Deadpool guy where you was and then everything else…

You hoped he was okay. You remembered how much he was struggling to hold Dark Shadow down from destroying everything and everybody. The anguish in his crimson eyes...

You really hoped he didn’t beat himself up after all of that…

“(L/N)?!!”

But then you gasped as soon as you heard your name being called as you perked up when all of a sudden, there were your classmates all standing there and staring at you in shock and awe. It’s already been a hectic three days and although they had Bakugo back, they still missed you terribly.

Izuku, Uraraka and Tsuyu in particular teared up when they saw you okay and the two girls quickly rushed over to gently hug you. Relieved that you were alive and well, as many of your other classmates like Iida, Yaoyorozu and Kirishima couldn’t hide their tears of joy when seeing that you were okay and back.

Still… even though you were hurting, you picked yourself up so you could hug each and every one of them out of relief and happiness to be back, to remember all of their faces again. After you finished hugging Tsuyu, you gasped upon seeing Shouji. You rushed over and hugged him as he didn’t deter you and warmly hugged you with his six arms as he didn’t dare shed any tears. You were scared, and he knew it. After what happened, he knew that you must have still been a little fragile after such a long journey all by yourself. He had to be strong for you.

“S-Shouji…” You clung to him, but then you remembered… Tokoyami. Where was he? “S-Shouji where’s…?” The taller male paused even as he felt you look up at him and he knew exactly who you were talking about. But Tokoyami’s been silent for the past three days, distant more so than normal. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, he didn’t want to interact with anyone or be around anyone. Shouji knew it had to have been because he was still riddled with the remorse of harming a classmate and believing that he got you killed.

“Tokoyami… is he okay?” You asked when Shouji didn’t give you an answer, and all he could do was nod. “He’s okay…” He answered you briefly and didn’t say anything else because… that wasn’t his place. You and Tokoyami would have to do that part together and talk.

And you gave a huge sigh of relief when you heard that he was okay, but you weren’t aware of the emotional turmoil that Tokoyami was currently suffering as he stood outside the room, eyes wide as he had his hands clutching at his feathers. So many emotions flooded into his head all at once the second he found out that you were still alive. Relief, joy, shock, and also even more remorse, regret and hate towards himself because now he got to see all of the damage that HE caused, now he could only ask himself, what the hell was he doing here? Why did he even come? He was SO relieved that you were still alive but what if you hated him? What if you never wanted to see him again after he nearly killed you? You probably did hate him and he didn’t blame you…

He hated himself too...

He could hear you telling your story to everyone, how you just blacked out and ran into some psycho while you had no fucking idea who you even were because you lost your memory for a little bit. Everyone was shaken up, horrified at what you had to go through and how you were unfortunate to move from one bad situation to another with that guy in the car, and they were so happy that you were here, alive and mostly unscathed.

No, he couldn’t bear to see you again, he couldn’t bear to talk to you again. He ruined everything, he ruined the friendship you and he had, he nearly killed you. How would he come back from that? He wouldn’t…

He needed to get out of here, and he just hoped to the gods that you didn’t notice that he was here, he didn’t want you to see him, he couldn’t bear the thought of it. The raven found himself slowly walking away from the room you and his classmates were in and pretended to be oblivious to his surroundings and he ignored the voice in his head telling him to go back. He especially ignored Dark Shadow pleading with him to go back and see you. No, he stopped listening to him and ignored every word he said. He wasn’t going to go back to you.

He couldn’t...

There’s no way you could hold any affection left for him after everything he put you through. No way…

“Tokoyami.”

But then he froze once he heard your voice directed at him, and resisted all temptation to turn around and see your face and yet his weak human heart forced him to slowly turn and that was the biggest mistake of his life as he saw you slowly step out of the room. You looked awful, your (H/C) hair a mess, gauze and bandages wrapped around your head, arms, legs and dried blood stains under your lips. HE did that, he’s the cause of all that. He’s the reason you blacked out, he’s the reason you crashed with that lunatic, he’s the reason you were hurt…

Tokoyami couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t fucking bear it, he turned away and walked away. “Hey… c’mon…” To be honest, it was a little hard for you to look at him again but you still wanted to at least see if he was okay after that whole ordeal, but he was walking away.

“Tokoyami…” Reaching your arm out weakly for him, you hoped he would come back but Tokoyami kept his gaze averted and sped up his pace to quickly get away from you. “No…” Shaking your head you took another step forward but then a nurse came over and stopped you from trying to leave.

“Please return to your bed you’re still hutr…!” She exclaimed in worry as the rest of your classmates also urged you to go back to your bed once they saw that you were still groggy. God you were so tired, but you wanted to see Tokoyami. Despite everything that happened, you just wanted to see him again…

PRESENT TIME…

The days passed by fast as you almost didn’t even realize that it had been a week since you and your friends were attacked by villains at the Summer camp and that one of your classmates got taken for 2 days while you had been lost at the same time for those days as well but you still remembered everything that happened. Even the memories you lost, you remembered all of them. Everything that happened within the span of a single week.

How does time move by so fast?

You had no idea, but you were only somewhat relieved to know that the worst was over and you were out of the hospital as they had let you out three days ago. Your body still wasn’t at 100 percent but you were happy to be out of there and in a new place. That’s right…

It took a while to get used to this new change since dorms weren’t really something you expected in your school life but to your surprise, it started to feel like home as you got slowly used to it. And it felt so nice to be in this large building, looking outside the window to see the night looking so serene and lovely with the moonlight there to light up your darkness. That was how you found your way back home, even when you were limping you relied primarily on your quirk, and every light that you saw. The sun, the lamps in the streets, the city lights that brightened up the night’s sky.

Light was your clarity.

Light was what protected you from the darkness even when you felt that there would no longer be any light. Yet at the same time, even though you no longer felt comfortable in the dark, there was still something elegant about it. The night was so peaceful, the darkness provided a sense of rest for everyone, including yourself as you just wanted to go to sleep but you couldn’t sleep.

That’s why you were awake, because you were thinking too much about everything that had happened, thinking too much about him…

Tokoyami. Your dear friend that had been avoiding you for over a week, and you knew it was because he still couldn’t bring himself to face you after Dark Shadow attacked you and left a nasty scar on your back once your wounds had recovered. Of course, you wanted to try and talk to him or at the very least say ‘hi’ but he just turned away and left every single time you tried. And instead of just forcing him to speak you let him be…

After all you can’t just make someone talk to you, even though you really wanted to. Even though you really wanted to let him know that he doesn’t have to avoid you despite everything that happened. Even though you… really also wanted to let him know that for the past couple of days he’s all you’ve been able to think about and even before all of this, you still thought about him because you liked him…

Even after all of this, you still liked him, you loved him…

Oh well, he clearly wasn’t interested in talking to you so you just sighed and decided to go back to your room and attempt to sleep. You knew that he was just feeling guilty but still.

“I just wanna go back to my room and watch AHS all night…” You muttered lowly to yourself as you got up from where you were kneeling to go back to the room you were given.

But then you stopped as soon as you heard footsteps and you were worried that it was probably Iida, so you knelt down and hid behind the side of the couch. You couldn’t see who it was now but based on the fact that you could hear nothing but footsteps and a lack of voice, you assumed that you weren’t seen or noticed. Suddenly, light brightened up the once dim room and you resisted the urge to gasp. The refrigerator was open, that’s all you could assume but now you had to stay still so they didn’t see you.

Finally, you heard a heavy sigh. There wasn’t much to make out but the voice sounded deep, definitely one of the guys, which made sense there was like 14 freaking boys in this damn class. Sausage Fest in your opinion…

However, you didn’t want to bother anyone and weren’t in the mood to talk to anyone so you decided to just sneak away quickly before they spot you. You almost assumed it could be Shouji, but if it was, he probably would have called you out already so you started to crawl away from the spot, still hidden with the couch covering you as you still heard nothing. Curiosity ended up getting the best of you though, and you put your hands on the couch to carefully pick yourself up to try and sneak a peek of who it was.

There he was…

You knew that head of feathers anywhere as Tokoyami had his wrists down on the kitchen counter, head down with a glass of water beside him. Poor thing looked out of it, at least that’s what you thought because his feathers seemed more ruffled and messier than how they normally looked. And you wondered just what was he doing up at this ungodly hour? Although it wouldn’t surprise you if he was an insomniac like you were, it would certainly explain it because while he enjoyed the darkness, you had a feeling that there was also more than that to him.

But then a sadder thought came to mind, after everything you had been through, you, Tokoyami, and Bakugo, Shouji, Midoriya and the others for that matter, there’s no way you guys would forget that. No emotional teenager would because of how horrifying that all way, and you wondered if there was an anxiety thing going on, or even a night terror since you, Tokoyami, Bakugo and Midoriya probably came out of this ordeal the most psychologically scathed.

That was it, wasn’t it?

Now you really wanted to actually talk to him the more you thought about it, but you were so lost in thought you didn’t even hear the quiet gasp leaving the raven as his crimson eyes widened after picking his head up and seeing your head pop up from the couch.

No, no this couldn’t be happening...

TO BE CONTINUED...

[wackygoofball]

Moodboard: Jaime x Brienne - Shadowhunters AU

Brienne of Tarth has been quite busy at the King’s Landing Institute. The Clave assigned the young Shadowhunter a new case to investigate. Mundanes were murdered in odd fashion, a mixture of signatures one would associate with demons, warlocks and the like. Brienne travels to the latest crime scene, surprised to see someone already examining it, the infamous Jaime Lannister, the only honorably discharged Shadowhunter. He killed the former head of the King’s Landing Institute, Aerys Targaryen, and as a result was thrown out.

“Go to hell, Lannister. You are not allowed anywhere near Clave operations.”

“Have already been there, don’t fancy revisiting it. Thanks a lot.”

“Why are you here anyway?”

“Interest? And I am of interest to you because I may happen to have some valuable information, though you will have to ask me for it, nicely, I may add.”

“I think I can handle on my own.”

“I’ll be here once you realize that you need me… what was your name again?”

“None of your business.”

“Odd name. Is it Braavosi?”

“None of you business.”

“You can call me Jaime, just Jaime.”

Brienne just leaves the man standing where he is to investigate for herself. However, to her great dismay, the latest victim does no give her any new clues. When she walks back she is not really surprised but still irritated by the fact that the Kingslayer still lurks around the crime scene, looking at her oh so smugly. Begrudgingly, she asks him for the information he claimed to have. If he has some valuable intel, it is her obligation to obtain it, after all. Her opinion of him should not stand in the way of that.

“There’s one trademark achingly absent from this, wouldn’t you agree?”

“… No Seelie signature.”

“Would seem odd to me that if someone were to pain all Downworlders as bad, that someone would conveniently leave out those nasty always-telling-the-truth-though-not-really Seelies.”

“And do you have anything to support your hypothesis?”

“I may.”

“And you won’t share?”

“I don’t think you have asked me nicely yet.”

“I am fairly sure I did not, because I had no intention to.”

“But you want that intel, don’t you?”

“If you can’t give it, I doubt you even have it, in which case you still remain a waste of my valuable time.”

“Is that a challenge?”

“An educated guess.”

Brienne remains irritated by the man, but against many, many odds, he apparently has some valuable information that may prove vital to the case, leading all the way back to Seelie King Jaqen H’ghar.

Dutifully, Brienne reports back to the ops, leaving a very disappointed Jaime behind as he was hoping she’d at least treat him a coffee for his troubles, but no such luck. Head of the Institute Ned Stark is pleased to hear about the progress on the case she’s made but shows little enthusiasm once she tells him about the unexpected help she received from the Kingslayer.

“He’s up to no good,” he warns her.

“I am aware, but he helped me find evidence I needed to put things together. And I honestly thinks we are on to something bigger than the involvement of the Seelies in the latest attacks.”

“If you know what’s good for you, you will stay away from him in the future, though. That man cannot be trusted, and he has any reason to have something against us, against the Clave. We don’t know what his motivation is.”

“I have any intention to stay clear of him, but if meeting the Kingslayer again serves the Law, I will do what it takes to uphold it, Sir.”

With that, Brienne leaves the office to continue putting her report into writing. She runs into Ned’s daughters Arya and Sansa.

They grey on her by now, and Brienne started to feel responsible for them after their father was gone for a long time, having left everyone, his children included, under the belief that he died like his wife and son and his son’s wife did. Warlock Petyr Baelish collaborated against Ned after Robert’s demise, and it was owed to Varys’s quick thinking and passing him off as dead that bought them the necessary time to get Ned out of the dangerzone and find the people behind the plot. Ever since, things have been strained between the last of the Starks, to say the least, as the girls did not take kindly to the loss of their father and his sudden, unexpected return. While he was gone, Arya in particular joined a dark path, ran away and spent far too much time with the Seelies instead of fellow Shadowhunters. Sansa barely speaks to her father and retreated into herself, focusing most of her attention on handling the administrative duties she was assigned. Brienne took care of the girls after Arya returned to the Institute, for reasons unknown, and while the girls struggle, they grew to have some trust the tall, mannish woman. However, as much as they may have grown to trust Brienne they learned to mistrust their father. Ned, ever since, failed to reconnect with his children. And the fact that he became head of the Institute does not necessarily help the matter as he has little time to spend with his family even though all are in desperate need for just that. Brienne continues to push him, but to no avail.

The man is even more stubborn than she is, and that surely means something.

The blonde Shadowhunter goes back to her usual routines thereafter, but strange occurrences drive her out of the office out into the streets sooner rather than later, as evidence keeps suggesting to her that there is an uprising that may connect to the Night King whom all thought was defeated during the last Long Night. However, that was such a long time ago that people only see it as legend now, though Brienne is afraid that this legend may come to haunt them again if they don’t do something.

And as much as she hates it, this is damn well close to what the Kingslayer suggested to her back when he offered some intel during the Seelie case. He was the only one she ran into until now who had a similar suspicion.

Not knowing where else to turn with her theories, as authorities remain indifferent to her suspicions, Brienne tracks down the Kingslayer. However, disappointment soon overtakes her surge of enthusiasm as she finds Jaime drunk and miserable about himself after a rough night of “memories, too many memories,” as he lulls at her. Brienne isn’t having it and tells the man to get himself together if he means to stay true what he told her, wanting to solve that mystery as much as she. Jaime sobers up somewhat once he realizes just how serious the woman is, not just bothering to track him down but now also expecting better of him.

He didn’t have people put faith in him in a long, long time, after all.

“We have a common goal and the Clave won’t give the orders to further investigate unless I bring the evidence needed. If what you and I came up with turns out to be true, even to the smallest degree, then we may have the second Long Night on our hands and we have to stop it. It may well be that there may be a new uprising of the living dead we banished beyond the Wall. And as much as I hate to admit, you got further down the road than I did with my methods.”

“So that means you trust me?”

“I am willing to have a truce with you.”

“A truce.”

“We both have a common goal, which is to figure out what is going on with the murders, what’s the reason behind it all,” she tells him. “A truce would allow us to work together for this case only.”

“A truce… it does have a nice ring to it.”

“If you think so, meet me tomorrow and sleep off your hangover because I am here for business, not to become your personal nanny.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Jaime keeps true to his word and shows up at his most presentable the next day, quick to suggest to Brienne that if they want to get to the bottom of this, they have to reach beyond “familiar turfs and venture through the neighbors’ gardens,” which is his way of telling her that they should consult with Downworlders. Brienne is not particularly pleased about that as she was taught to stay clear of them the best she can but tags along anyway.

The Kingslayer brings her to the Dwarf Warlock of King’s Landing. It is only once she sees the two together that Brienne pieces together that this warlock is Tyrion and that Tyrion is Jaime’s brother. As they explain to her, Tyrion was abandoned after his warlock mark was discovered. Tywin had Jaime believe that Tyrion passed away from sickness but actually had him brought away to be with the warlocks instead.

“I am a thing of curiosity in all worlds there are. To the mundanes, I am a simple dwarf with a drinking problem. To my father and sister, I am a monster. To the Shadowhunters I am a warlock with dangerous abilities… and to the warlocks I am a danger all the same as I am the only warlock born from the union of two Shadowhunters, which is a thing of impossibility.”

“Which is why he started getting drunk to cope. I don’t think you’ve ever been sober since you came of age.”

“And I have no intention to start now.”

Jaime found him on a mission when he was younger and still a Shadowhunter out of the handbook when he was working a case. The two agreed to keep it a secret that they are brothers because they would not want to risk Tywin learning that Jaime and he got back together. After all, the man was willing to abandon Tyrion and tell Jaime that he died only just to know them apart.

“And Father won’t ever manage that again, we’ll see to that.”

After Jaime broke with the Clave, he spent most of his time doing nothing, waiting for the end of the Shadow World because he believes it is meant to go down, was always meant to be: “It started with Aerys and it ends with another bad guy. Fire or ice, all the same. In the end, the Shadow World is fucked and I am just here to watch the fireworks.”

Brienne calls him out on that because he came to the scene on his own. “Seems like you give a damn after all.”

“How daring of you to accuse me of caring for anyone but myself, wench.”

“An educated guess.”

Tyrion starts to take interest in not just the case his brother got himself into but also the female Shadowhunter who came to them for help. A little bit of digging around reveals some interesting information about her, namely that she is also known as the Kingslayer, a title both brothers thought was quite unique to Jaime’s case only.

When the leads keep them off the tracks and frustration starts to spread, Jaime and Brienne get into a heated argument, which soon ebbs into Jaime revealing Tyrion’s research about her and asking the really uncomfortable questions of why she is called that and why she never told him that they are “one and the same” after all.

“I am called Kingslayer still even though my case was cleared. We are not the same. I was accused of having murdered Renly Baratheon, but the charges were dropped because of a lack of evidence.”

“Which means they didn’t actually prove your innocence but just didn’t have enough against you to take your runes away.”

“I didn’t do it. Stannis did, but I don’t have the evidence to prove it and bring him to justice before the Law.”

Brienne always dreamed about becoming Renly's parabatai and hoped that he would choose her once it was time, but before Renly could even choose a partner of that sort, he was murdered. Her father wanted her to take over the Institute on Tarth as his successor, but she declined and instead went to King's Landing to stick to Cat after she helped her through the Renly trial and was supportive of her when no one else was. To repay the debt, Brienne felt all the more compelled to take care of Sansa and Arya when Catelyn passed away and they didn’t yet know that their father was still alive.

She wasn’t ready to become head of an Institute, and in Brienne’s mind, that moment won’t ever come as she doesn’t believe herself to be made of the stuff it takes to run an institute: “I don't have charisma, I don't know how to deliver great speeches to inspire people. I know how to fight. I know how to be a Shadowhunter. That is all I will ever be, and that is fine with me. That means I can devote myself to protecting the people I love.”

After that fight, the two feel a closer connection since ever as they now trust one another with their darkest secrets, even more so when Jaime reveals some of the circumstances behind his act of treason that got him dispelled.

And soon, feelings of distrust and misgiving become increasingly replaced by care and… something much stronger, something both actually gave up on long time ago, until they found it again – just with one another.

However, trouble is only ever just a step away as evidence keeps suggesting they are on the right track and they are running out of time to prevent the Long Night. Both have to face some inner demons as they have to confront their past and present, Jaime having to face up against Ned Stark and Brienne having to come to terms with the circumstances of Renly’s death.

When the two discover what has to be done in order to save not just their world but of all others, mundanes and Downworlders alike, and how much sacrifice that may mean not just for themselves but for them together, it puts not just their devotion to the cause to the test but also forces them into the tough choice of how far they are willing to go for duty, if love the price for it.

[gyldenglor]

Humans are Space Orcs - The Soul

Across the galaxy, inhuman life was glued to data pads and monitors.

A new entry had been made in the Human Guide - and it was particularly interesting.

Not only was it on the most elusive and mysterious subject of humanity, but it was written by a human! Who better to shed light onto the matter of the "soul"?

------------

Entry #2,532,129

Author - Name Withheld

Race - Human

Employment Information Withheld

Subject: The Soul

BEGIN REPORT

I've seen discussion of the human soul crop up all over the place, and I feel like I need to put a lot of these conjectures to rest.

First and foremost, the "soul" is not a physical thing - and if it is, then nobody has yet to find it.

It is also not a unique concept.

All throughout the galaxy, every individual, sentient life form has some concept similar to the soul. They all have a sense of self - a sense of who they are, what they like, and a set of memories that are entirely their own - with the noted exception of the hive mind of the Zol.

Not to say that I think that the hive mind is a bad thing - it's just so different for me, personally, that I find it very hard to understand.

However, what truly sets the soul apart, is how broad of a concept it is - and how ubiquitous it is throughout our culture, and our history.

To really explain the soul, I have to take a detour to a time long before modern medical science.

A long, long time ago, all fluids in the body were classified under one moniker - "humors". They were assumed to be interchangeable, to an extent, and the cause of sickness was believed to be "dirty", or "impure" humors.

Obviously, this is not the case - we have plasma in our blood, water in our lymph nodes, mucus in our membranes, and cerebrospinal fluid in our spine, to name a few. But before we understood this, we had something step in to fill the gaps.

It is very much the same for the soul.

The core concept of the soul has remained the same, but as a whole, it's been tweaked, and even pulled back a bit.

In short, the soul is what makes us who we are - without the soul, we would just be another animal. And while we know now that there is quite a lot of physical things that go into our personality, for a long time all of that fell under the umbrella of the soul.

As we discovered more and more of human biology, and determined where and how memories are stored and emotions are experienced, we were able to pull back the curtain and expose the soul for that it really was - a placeholder for a lack of knowledge.

But with all our knowledge, there's still a few things we can't quite figure out. We don't understand, for example, why we are all so different - there's no evolutionary advantage to it, beyond having specialized roles in a community.

And even then, two completely different individuals could perform the same role, in much the same capacity.

We also don't understand why we love. Love is something else that has come up here, and everything said about it so far has been accurate. It's beautiful and terrifying - peaceful, and violent.

So, to explain it away, we claim that it's because of the soul - that the soul drives us, and is why we feel that things we can't understand.

So, at the heart of all of this lies a single, unchanging answer to what the soul is.

The soul is, in short, us.

In a more literal sense, it's really just a placeholder - it represents that which we either do not, or simply can not, understand about ourselves.

But its true definition, when someone discusses the human soul, is that it's us.

My soul is me - it's the unphysical manifestation of who I am, it's what my brain has created and continues to create. It's the part of me that is illogical, irrational, and emotional - it's just me.

And I'm sure that all humans would agree on that - the soul is not some separate entity from oneself, but it is them. It's what we use to explain away the fact that we exist, and perceive the world in our unique ways.

What humans won't agree on, however, is whether the soul truly exists.

The religious among us claim that the soul is of divine origin - that it is a piece of a God, bestowed upon us in that God's eternal love.

There are variations upon this throughout religions - some believe it is a product of multiple gods, and some believe that it is the beginning of a god, and that by leading a virtuous life, we can be resurrected a little closer to godhood in the next.

The scientifically minded of us, myself included, believe that the soul is simply created by the brain, and preserved alongside the mind as two halves to create one whole person - the intellectual and the emotional.

So, for me, the soul is my emotional self - and a convenient way to explain that which we do not yet understand about human nature.

END REPORT

------------

The outrage was immediate.

Millions of life forms demanded a further explanation, and many stated they were even more confused.

One reader of the guide left a comment on the entry, claiming that the statement that it's "what we don't understand" isn't good enough.

The sentiment was echoed across the universe, with complaints becoming more and more aggressive, with comments such as "the fuck IS this bullshit?"

There was a brief manhunt for this so-called "Name Withheld" - a concept that many aliens weren't familiar with. Anonymity had not been considered important on the Galactic Network, after all.

The author was quite relieved that they had had the foresight to keep their name off of the entry.

Within a matter of hours, the entry was removed from the Human Guide, replaced with a missive on how only fact and hypothesis was allowed on the guide - not opinion, or flights of fancy.

Furthermore, humans were forbidden from writing in the human guide - many life forms turned to it as a lifeline, and sometimes even in life or death scenarios. There needed to be truly helpful entries, or entries that touched upon particular behaviors and attributes - not half-baked, philosophical ramblings.

Aboard Captain Vy'Keen's ship, the humans all laughed about it. They seemed to focus on the engineer Peter especially when making jokes - almost as if he had something to do with it.

[captainextremis]

‘k so everyone who follows me knows I’ve been on a huge Undertale kick lately, but I’ve also been thinkin abt deltarune and I had a theory that was consuming my brain every waking minute last night and that is the fact that this motherfucker right here

is the most confusing character we’ve ever met. It’s not because we know next to nothing about them, but instead, it’s because we don’t have enough information, though I imagine that goes without saying. I mean, for Chara, we at least know they loved their adopted family enough, and hated humans. Frisk is meant to be a kind of blank slate for the player to mold so they can be either the nicest angel you will ever meet or a fully psychotic, bloodthirsty motherfucker. But Kris here...Kris is having a crisis of conscience, of sorts.

I imagine someone’s already been thinking about this theory, if you can call my rambling a “theory,” but the reason Kris is such a confusing character is because of the three forces fighting for dominance over their body. “Three? Why three?” I hear you ask. “There’s only two forces living inside Kris...us, and whatever took them over in the final cutscene!” Well, my friend, that’s fucking wrong, because I would like to remind you that during the playable epilogue in Hometown, we’re clued in to what Kris is like by talking to other people.

Before that, there are three things trying to control Kris: Kris’ original personality, us, the Player, and what I will be referring to as the “Outside Force.” I hesitate to call this Chara, because while we do know Chara offers to erase the Undertale world so they and Frisk can “move on to the next one,” we don’t know if their reach extends further than the multiple timelines of Undertale, and I personally find that to be implausible, unless Toby confirms it when the full game comes out.

I also hesitate to call the Outside Force Gaster, as Gaster, if he truly did create deltarune as the fandom posits, seems to be more like a deist God that has created deltarune and seems more interested in letting it “run” than getting directly involved. The Outside Force’s true identity is currently unknown, and is malign at best and outright omnicidal at worst. But the reason this is all so confusing is that we don’t know how many facets of these three forces overlap.

For example, we know that Kris is a big eater. It’s stated by Toriel when she tells us not to touch the pie she’s been baking before the ending scene, and by the minister claiming Kris once tried to drink all of Father Alvin’s church wine (exact quote unavailable). However, in the Dark World, during the fight with Spade King, we see Kris move to defend Susie without the player’s input. This is most likely their original personality taking over, as the Outside Force, if destruction is what it’s after, would instead just stand around and let Susie die; so we know Kris cares about the ones he’s befriended at least somewhat, and they definitely care a hell of a lot about Asriel, if the hot chocolate scene can be taken at face value.

What confuses me comes mostly from the ending scene: after Kris rips out the SOUL and locks it in the cage, we can move it around, indicating it belongs to us. For me, this raises several questions, namely if Kris does care about other people in Hometown, how far does it extend? Do they actually care about Susie, Ralsei, Lancer, and the other students at school? Or if they go on a rampage, will he only spare Toriel and Asgore (and/or Asriel), since they’re their immediate family? Or will no one be spared?

In short, where does Kris’ personality end and the Player’s/Outside Force’s begin?

I can’t claim to know the answer, and I doubt this wall of text makes much sense, but I also noticed something from Undertale that may explain things eventually, and it lies in the relationship between Chara and Frisk.

Specifically, let’s get into the ultra-meta aspect of it. Chara is a human, and we know by the history told of them in Undertale that they were fully autonomous: they could bake, draw, knit, scheme, and think on their own. Frisk falls into the Underground, and we, the player, control them directly, and mold them from a blank slate into a reflection of ourselves, or our mindset for a particular run. Frisk is like a vessel, but...we only take control of them after they fall. When they land on Chara’s grave.

...Sounds to me like Frisk is actually a Vessel. Just like the one we made at the beginning of deltarune. And that would make Chara, for lack of a better term, the Controller. Enough of their consciousness was still lingering to latch onto Frisk and guide at least some of their actions (narration in Pacifist/Neutral, direct action in Genocide).

But since we know that, what does that make Kris? If I had to guess, Kris is also a Vessel, like Frisk (it’s in the name, practically). However, due to their mysterious past, I’d imagine enough time has passed that Kris is slowly, very slowly, developing autonomy and a personality of their own, but is still susceptible to outside influence. But that said, who is acting as the Controller to Kris’ Vessel? Short answer: we don’t know yet. Could be any number of people. Could be the Vessel we made in the opening sequence of the game. My hypothesis is that it might actually be Asriel, since Kris looks up to them, and it’s also stated somewhere in the game that Asriel used to carry them to school when they were younger, but that guess is on shaky ground anyway.

So, yeah. That’s all I got. Not so much of a “theory” as it is me rambling and trying to connect dots separated by several continents. If you got any holes to poke in this thing, lemme know.

[dragimal]

thoughts on Voltron s7

this is prolly old hat by now, but I still wanna throw my two cents to the wind. this is gonna get very rambly, and I’m gonna derail A LOT to air out other grievances I have w/ the show/fandom. a rant like this has been a long time coming-- the reception to s7 only pushed me to write this now. so beware, I guess. also I’m not rly tryin to Start Shit, so I’m slottin’ this under the cut

I think I should start at the beginning: I didn’t like Voltron for the first 3 seasons.

it was perfectly passable, but not.... exactly the kinda thrilling saga Tumblr made it out to be. all the hype put me under the impression that VLD was a deeply emotional/character-driven story much like ATLA-- I was sorely disappointed to find this wasn’t the case. instead, I found a typical space-mecha plot populated by pretty tropey characters-- certainly not bad, but not all that emotionally gripping either 

I actually grew p bitter over Voltron’s particular brand of popularity-- mainly the comparisons to ATLA, as if VLD was anywhere as deep and clever. I wasn’t mad that it was popular so much as it seemed popular for the wrong reasons

now I’m not saying that enjoying VLD is “childish” or whatever, I’m just saying that comparing VLD to ATLA is p damn insulting, imo. ATLA has a level of depth in plot, worldbuilding, themes, character arcs/interactions, etc. that’s incredibly impressive-- esp for a kid’s show. u just don’t get that depth from VLD-- and honestly, that’s just fine! I know I’m singing ATLA’s praises to the heavens here, but I’m also kinda sick of Tumblr trying to compare every damn thing to ATLA, as if every piece of media HAS to be another ATLA to be worthy of praise (like the whole “Zuko redemption arc” thing has been taken wayyyyy too far when critiquing villains...)

ATLA and VLD aren’t trying to accomplish the same things, so it’s kinda shitty to place those kinda expectations on the creators of VLD when they’re trying to do their own thing? like, I don’t expect Osomatsu-san-- a very stupid show I deeply adore-- to be the next FMA just b/c both shows have a focus on brotherly bonds; they’re clearly two separate things that I can enjoy for different reasons

anyways, to cut that ramble short, VLD just wasn’t my thing when I first started it. I’m not big on mechas, and I typically prefer pointed storylines over ‘adventure-of-the-week’ setups. not that VLD doesn’t have some underlying plot for the first couple seasons, but it takes a while to get past random villain fights and/or adventures every ep and condense it into a continuous plot thread. some ppl like that kinda thing, I just don’t. the reason I continued to watch it-- despite my misgivings-- is b/c I like watching things with friends. my bf has always liked VLD and wanted me to see it, so I enjoyed watching it with our audience of two

I’m glad this setup forced me to continue watching, or else I would have never reached the turning point-- episode 33 (s3): “The Legend Begins”

this was the point at which my feelings switched from “eh” to “oh... OH. OH SHIT.” I’d finally started to get INVESTED. I finally began to develop real attachments to the characters! I was finally eager to learn what happened next; finally perched at the edge of my seat in anticipation! VLD had finally found its footing and solidified its unique voice, and I couldn’t have been more proud!

yet, what did I hear from the fandom as this narrative transition began?

“the show has gone downhill, and it’s only getting worse!″, "[x] characters aren’t developing anymore” and/or “the showrunners HATE [x] character!”, etc. etc.

though I suppose it’s a bit simplistic to say the fandom as a whole thought this way; in reality, just a vocal subset of the fandom thought-- and continues to think-- this way

yes, patient reader, this is one of those conversations. because we really can’t have a proper fandom discussion anymore w/o getting into those topics, can we? god, if only

so I’ll stop beating around the bush: antis fucking hate the new seasons, mainly because:

1) a lot of antis love Lance for some reason? antis don’t like the fact that Lance isn’t, like, the entire damn focus of the show (calls for “black paladin Lance” galore....), so they don’t like the fact that other main characters play significant roles in the show. this has devolved into unfounded critique of Lance’s character development in the last few seasons, when in reality Lance has gotten SIGNIFICANT development from s4 onward (just like most every other character..). he’s gotten more confidant in his abilities and is less defensive of his character, he’s more cooperative w/ his teammates, and he’s learned to (usually) recognize when a situation requires a serious approach rather than nonchalance. like, as someone who doesn’t much like Lance, I think it says something that my feelings have advanced from, “jesus I can’t stand this guy, can he shut up for one goddamn second,” to, “nice, Lance is mostly bearable and sometimes charming, now.” this point bleeds into the next point--

2) a lot of antis LOVE klance-- or the ship Keith/Lance, for any random readers that don’t know the Voltron fandom. klantis-- as these particular antis have been dubbed-- hate ANY semblance of connection either of these characters have w/ other characters, b/c it threatens klance. Keith and Lance both canonically have strong connections to other specific characters (Keith to Shiro, and Lance to Allura), so these ships are the most threatening to klance

now, all stans/shippers have fans that are a bit too defensive, sure. I’m not saying that sheiths (Shiro/Keith shippers) or any other stans/shippers in VLD aren’t ever at fault. but antis always ALWAYS bring an insidious dimension to fandom wank in the form of-- for lack of a better term-- “social justice posturing”

I’m not claiming that discussions abt representation and sj issues in fandom aren’t important, but antis always take these sensitive issues and simply use them as ammo in what are typically giant ship wars. there’s no nuance, no room for different interpretations-- only black/white divisions of what is “valid”/”canon”/”acceptable”, which are then strategically warped in favor of what the antis of that particular fandom favor (which, in the case of VLD, is Lance/klance)

of course, not ALL VLD antis are specifically out to discredit just one ship, as evidenced by the proliferation anti-shaladins (those against shippers of Shiro w/ ANY of the paladins). BUT this is exactly where anti tactics are utilized in full-force, and where this petty ship war further devolves:

antis fucking HATE Shiro.

Shiro poses the biggest threat to klance (at least in terms of fandom, b/c Allura canonically poses a much bigger threat tbh), thus antis have steadily built a “case” against Shiro not only as a bad partner to Keith, but as a bad character in general. the more “reasonable” antis claim things like, “Shiro’s too mentally ‘broken’ to be with anyone!” “Shiro’s too old to be with anyone, he’s practically a grandpa!” and, “Shiro’s too much of a parental/guardian figure to consider any paladins as potential partners,” while more extreme antis have claimed that Shiro literally IS a pedophile, or straight-up dangerous due to his mental hang-ups

there is clearly a lot wrong here both canon-wise (Shiro has shown 0% confirmable attraction to any character in canon; everyone’s actual ages are vague at best, thus there are no exact age gaps to measure, etc.) and in terms of plain ethics (callin a guy w/ ptsd “too broken” fuckin WHAT). but this is what antis have devolved to-- dismissing Shiro’s mutual connections to his fellow paladins at best, then accusing him of straight-up horrific shit at worst. all in the name of protecting a ship. boy howdy.

(*SIDENOTE* I hypothesize that Allura doesn’t get nearly the same level of hate b/c mlm ships are favored in fandom, thus there are more sheith shippers than allurance (Allura/Lance) shippers to oppose klance. she may also be protected by Tumblr’s over-the-top glamorizing of any and every female character, but that’s a rlyyyy weird discussion that’s hard to quickly/accurately dissect, so I’ll just leave that particular hypothesis to the side..)

anyways, patient reader, let us return this tangent back to the original point: the general criticisms directed at s4 and onward. how do antis relate to this?

well, it’s real fuckin convenient that ppl suddenly started recognizing VLD’s writing/plot/etc. flaws when the show wasn’t catering quite AS much to Lance, or Lance/Keith interactions. real fuckin convenient ppl suddenly started criticizing Shiro as a character when said character’s relationship w/ Keith began to gain more focus and development. real fuckin convenient that ppl are finally recognizing that VLD isn’t as great as ATLA, when the last few seasons have gotten PRETTY DAMN CLOSE to ATLA’s level of emotional depth

so I’m bitter abt Voltron again. but rather than being bitter abt VLD being popular for the wrong reasons, I’m bitter that VLD’s flaws are finally being recognized for the wrong fucking reasons

and this is where it gets real fucking dangerous, b/c antis are dangerously persuasive to the general fandom public

since antis use sj language as ammunition for petty-ass shit, they can easily gain the attention of... god, I hate that I have to unironically use this term, but Tumblr “normies”. I literally have no better, simple term to describe somebody on Tumblr who hasn’t watched VLD (or simply hasn’t engaged in the fandom in a significant way), so please just roll w/ me here, for my own sanity. so Tumblr normies-- as those on Tumblr are prone to-- are vigilant in keeping up w/ sj issues across the board. this is good! it’s good to be aware of and critical of the content we consume..... until it’s. not.

I’m not the first to say that Tumblr has a very warped, very dangerous approach to sj activism. much like full-on antis, there is so much black/white thinking, lack of nuance, swift and unforgiving retribution for even slightly differing opinions, etc etc. it’s why so many ppl on Tumblr even ARE antis, b/c it’s rly just the fandom-offshoot of this mentality

but even beyond the most extreme “activists” of tumblr, anti’s sj language is dangerously appealing to even the chill normies-- nobody WANTS to support dangerous relationships or bad representation, after all! so they latch onto that rhetoric too, b/c when normies see antis' (usually unfounded) criticisms thrown around, they don’t know the show/fandom well enough to be able to verify those criticisms. and like, I get the appeal of it-- I’ve def made similar mistakes w/ unfamiliar fandoms as well, b/c I want to support a cause that seems just. it’s p natural to want to align w/ what we perceive as a just cause, esp when convinced by a persuasive speaker

thus, antis have gained a significant following of normies due to the simple fact that Tumblr normies DO care abt sj issues, but they DON’T care enough to research the show themselves to see what’s what

so, let me quickly recap the stage I’ve set for you here:

1) the fandom in general has given Voltron more credit than is due, and has subsequently placed ridiculous expectations on it. this has given Tumblr normies a false impression of VLD and its standards

2) antis are SUPREMELY protective of klance (and Lance in general), and have thrown around WILD accusations at any ships that threaten it, leading to--

3) antis throwing Shiro under the bus time and fucking time again.

4) by abusing sj language/tactics, antis appeal to Tumblr normies’ sense of duty, thus gain their approval in ganging up on whatever antis deem unjust in VLD-- whether it’s actually valid or not

so fuckin forgive me for being a bit skeptical when I heard rumors of “bury your gays” in Voltron from antis/normies, when these same ppl are actively throwing around accusations of pedophilia in the name of goddamn shipping

but I’ll fully admit, I passed judgement on this criticism a bit too quick, considering I hadn’t even seen the new season yet. it’s never good to blindly accept opinions purely on the basis that they bolster ur own assumptions, and I’m not immune to that charming trap (tho thankfully I’m not typically a vocal member fandom, so I was mostly just nodding along w/ my fellow shieths asdfg)

so finally, dear reader, we reach the actual point of this post: after seeing s7 for myself, what even ARE my opinions on it?

well. the handling of Adam and his relationship to Shiro............... wasn’t great. it was pretty fuckin terrible, actually. despite all I’ve said against antis, I agree w/ their general view that Adam’s relationship w/ Shiro (and his subsequent death) was shoddy, underdeveloped, and disrespectful to some degree. I’m personally not sure it’s worth the title of “bury your gays” for several different reasons, but I wouldn’t fault someone for calling it that, b/c there are definitely several other reasons that reinforce that trope. it’s worth discussing, and definitely worth voicing criticisms towards, esp in terms of Dreamworks’ “lgbt rep” advertising before s7′s release (which was absolutely scummy, there’s just no other word for it)

so if I agree w/ antis’ basal complaints in this instance, then why the hell am I even talking abt this? why am I putting so much effort into dissecting the fandom, only to essentially reach the same conclusion as those I fundamentally disagree with?

well, I suppose it’s all abt the framing.

I’m not gonna link the post b/c, again, I Don’t Wanna Start Shit, but most of y’all have prolly seen that one post that breaks down the history of the “bury your gays” trope, and how it was possibly utilized in VLD. it’s a p good argument in that respect-- I think it hits the main points of how/why Adam and his relationship w/ Shiro was just plain Bad

and to the untrained “normie” eye, that’s all it is. however, there is a cryptic framing present that reinforces anti talking points, which only someone involved in the fandom would recognize. 

(*SIDENOTE* I don’t mean to pick on SPECIFICALLY this post, I just think it’s a nice rundown of a few of the main rhetorical tactics used by antis. it’s certainly not a unique post in the fandom, but merely a good example of this brand of posts)

for one, this post forces an emotional distance between Shiro and the paladins. this post INSISTS that Shiro can ONLY be interpreted as a guardian character that can’t relate to the other paladins in any significant way due to age gaps and traumatic experience. THUS, according to antis, Adam was the only person that Shiro could have intimately discussed his problems w/ b/c they’re the same age and have a history. Adam's death removed this potential confidante, thus leaving Shiro to sort out his issues alone

while I agree that it would have been nice to see Shiro chat w/ a new character he has a history with (esp considering we rly haven’t gotten much backstory on Shiro yet), so much of this argument is simply false

I’ve already mentioned the bullshit that is the vague age gaps, but even if we were to take them into account, there ARE characters who are assumedly at or over Shiro’s age: Coran and Allura. and yeah, Coran is prolly not the best choice in terms of real emotional connection, but Allura? she could prolly fuckin relate. Shiro’s had his body and autonomy violently violated by the Galra, to the point that his original body is now destroyed; Allura has had her culture and people violently violated by the Galra, to the point the her original planet/culture is now destroyed. Shiro is/was a leader to the paladins, and takes their collective failures to heart as his personal failures to his team; Allura is a literal princess to her people, and takes their downfall as a personal reflection of her lack of ability to protect them. their situations obviously shouldn’t be 1:1 conflated, but to say they have no points of relation here is fuckin insulting

but since age gaps like this mean JACK SHIT when it comes simply developing emotional connections and mutual respect, we don’t even need to go so far as to match ages! this is evidenced by actual intimate interactions Shiro has had with the paladins!

the first one that comes to mind even involves antis’ favorite-- Lance! episode 45 (s5): “The White Lion” involved a moment where Shiro approached Lance on his own and opened up abt his mental health, saying he, “didn’t feel like himself.” now it could be argued that this was Shiro’s clone-- not Actual Shiro-- approaching Lance for help. tho I firmly believe that are still true parts of Shiro present in his clone, even if he’s not fully there. the clone is still protective of his team (before his mind is COMPLETELY hijacked, of course), and I believe any connections/loyalty/trust Shiro has towards the paladins is still true for the clone (even if this can, once again, be forcibly overridden). this moment is Shiro-- the part of Actual Shiro that’s present in his clone-- approaching a fellow teammate for help. of course, Lance doesn’t know exactly what to do in this situation, but he at least stays w/ Shiro for support

and then of course there are all the great moments Shiro has w/ Keith that antis want to forget abt. moments where Keith has laid down his health and safety for Shiro, moments where Keith has barred his soul to Shiro, moments where Keith has done everything in his power to reach out to a hurt and struggling Shiro.  moments where Keith has made it ABUNDANTLY fucking clear that he’s here to the bitter end, that he’ll NEVER give up on Shiro. it literally doesn’t fucking matter if u interpret these scenes as platonic or romantic, b/c the fact of the matter is that Shiro and Keith care DEEPLY abt each other in some shape or form. disregarding that is forcibly ignorant. also, we've now confirmed that Keith and Shiro do have a HISTORY back at the Garrison together before all this Voltron nonsense started (even if it isn’t necessarily a romantic history), so Keith also has that leg up

the subtle framing of Shiro as STRICTLY a “guardian” character is also a classic anti tactic, as it implies a sort of pseudo-pedophilic undertone to any Shiro/paladin ships, which is just.... gross and dishonest. yes, he’s canonically a leader to the paladins, and oftentimes takes on a guardian-type role, but once again, he also canonically opens up to other paladins on a mutually respectful/intimate level. there’s nothing in canon that would strictly suggest he’s ONLY a guardian figure-- “space dad” is a fandom interpretation in the same way that framing him as Keith’s lover is a fandom interpretation. neither is more or less 'canon', and it's petty to suggest otherwise

another weird point in that post is the insistence that Shiro is a “tragic gay character”, which is just..... not fucking true, first of all. he’s definitely suffered the most out of any main character, I agree, but he’s GETTING THROUGH IT. he’s been pulled through it by the paladins, and he’s learning to use his own strength to pull through as well. he’s so incredibly fuckin strong and it’s a fuckin shame that ppl don’t see how inspirational he is to those that may be struggling emotionally. plus, he's never suffered BECAUSE he's gay, nor has he ever had a damn HINT of queer-coding until Adam was shoehorned in (which is its own separate problem w/ the show, but it's not a "tragic gay" problem)

but beyond all that is an even more subtle insistence that Shiro has always been a beloved character to ALL in the fandom. antis’ underlying implication that, “hey normies, Shiro-- our beloved Space Dad-- has been given the shit end of the stick, and u should be mad abt it too!” 

as if antis haven’t spent the last several years shitting on Shiro at every turn, saying he’s got “scrambled egg brains” b/c of his ptsd, and other horrific shit. the fact that they can turn around to “defend Shiro’s honor” now that he’s *confirmed queer* (and, initially, confirmed less of a threat to klance due to Adam) and STILL be taken seriously is goddamn terrifying 

like I am literally seeing posts like this-- IN 20FUCKIN18-- that normies are taking at face value and reinforcing:

to any normies reading this: SHIRO AND KEITH AREN'T FUCKING RELATED!! racist antis insist that they have to be related b/c they're both Asian and the second half of their last names (Shirogane and Kogane, respectively) are similar. I'm literally so baffled over how this tactic is ever taken seriously, but who fuckin knows I guess. and if antis are trying to make a case for adoptive siblings, Keith canonically met Shiro by at LEAST his early/mid teens-- LONGGGG past the developmental age of youth where he might latch onto another person as a strictly non-romanceable relative, so. No. fandom is free to interpret Keith and Shiro’s relationship as brotherly, but to say that that is the STRICT and true 'canon' interpretation of their relationship is, once again, fuckin petty and dishonest

just. how fuckin DARE antis act like they give a SINGLE goddamn shit abt Shiro’s emotional needs and trauma after pullin this shit. how fuckin DARE antis misuse real sj issues to appeal to the lowest common denominator in normies, looking for fodder to fuel the flames of hate

so, if I may be so bold as to utilize one of antis' many battlecrys: this discussion does not exist in a vacuum. Adam's shoehorned relationship w/ Shiro is shitty and worth criticism, absolutely. but brushing aside the fandom history driving the resulting uproar-- as if ship wars aren't HUGELY influencing this backlash-- is SUPREMELY fuckin ignorant

antis latched onto Adam HARD when he was first announced, despite all the signs he'd be a side character at best, that he was stated clearly to be Shiro's ex, and having no context for his personality. Adam was antis' newest shield to their ship-- somebody to take Shiro's romantic potential away from Keith, thus leaving Keith open to Lance. Adam's death eliminated that shield, leaving antis reeling-- they couldn't just jump right back into hating Shiro after having showered his newly-christened gay ass w/ praise for all of the Tumblr normies to see. so, their anger was tactically redirected towards Adam's development

there is nothing shocking abt any of this tbh. all antis is the same, and they're all bitter assholes that are completely willing to abuse real sj issues for their own goals. plain and simple.

I don't rly have a proper ending for this. I'll just say that I like s7 a helluva lot, and Adam’s shitty development doesn’t rly phase me? not everyone feels that way, which is valid, I just don’t particularly give a shit abt Adam. I have hope for s8-- esp in terms of potential development for Shiro. since Shiro got such heavy focus in s6, it makes sense that he was pushed to the sidelines a bit this season to leave room for the other characters (Keith, Lance, Commander Holt + Earth stuff in general, etc.) to develop and shine. I've heard rumors that Adam did in fact have more development that was cut, which I'm honestly willing to believe b/c the development we got felt cut short, rather than simply planned that sparsely in the first place. my hope is that s8 will return some focus to Shiro, and possibly slot in some of these cut scenes to bolster a better backstory to their relationship? pure speculation tho, and it doesn't rly excuse Adam's treatment in s7, but it's worth considering

before I completely end off here, I just want to go on one last FINAL tangent: I'm so damn disappointed that everyone is sleeping on kexa (Keith/Acxa)??? if anything it poses MUCH more canon threat to BOTH klance and sheith purely b/c it's 'safely hetero' and b/c the show itself has hinted at potential feelings there (“She’s always been sweet on that one with the flippity hair,” and “Oh look Acxa, it’s your favorite paladin~”). like I haven't seen antis OR sheiths even mention this, it's baffling. the fact that it'll prolly be canon is bittersweet for me: bitter b/c DAMN I love sheith, and sweet b/c damn.... I'm rly diggin kexa....

so the moral of this post is: blease appreciate Keith's beautiful goth gf, she deserves love

thank u and goodbye

[urbanjohnny]

babe watch [m]

↳ Oh Sehun claims that being a lifeguard is just for, as he calls, “babe watching”. As much as he would never admit it, Seo Youngho knows that it’s true - especially after you capture his attention when you save a life.

✗ pairing: youngho x reader

✗ genre: slight angst / fluff / smut / lifeguard!youngho

✗ word count: 12.2k

✗ author’s note: here it is, the long awaited fic that has been in progress since june. please note this is my first full length fic (i didn’t think i’d get to 12k words, whoops) and this is the first time i’ve written smut. thank you @honeytaeyong for being an amazing beta and yelling at me everyday to write this. i finally finished it!

There was no better place than the beach. The peaceful atmosphere grew immensely equatorial as the brilliant sun climbed out of the water—before the pristine beach was filled with noisy tourists and familiar locals hoping to catch a wave, their presences filling the landscape in sheer energy. The tranquility of the setting made anyone who stepped foot onto the malleable sand instantly at ease, their troubles drifting away like the loose kelp in the sea.

Six o’clock in the morning, time for the jaded lifeguards to report to their stations. Small wooden towers raised a few feet above the ground, painted a muted viridian, and sprawled across the strip of the beach—each belonging to a unit. Just like they did every early morning, the workers began to group around their specific constructions, ready for their daily duty.

“Gather around,” Oh Sehun, the chief lifeguard, called out, tapping on his clipboard with the tip of a pencil. He watched his group gather around, all but one present. He let out a sigh, far too disappointed this early in the morning. “Where’s Taeyong?”

Nakamoto Yuta was the first to respond with a chuckle. “Still in bed with that girl he picked up yesterday,” he clarified, taking the situation far too lightheartedly. He had recently joined the team and he was one of the slickest boys they had; everyone knew him as the jokester, but that was what got him the postal daily.

Everyone except Sehun chimed along. The head lifeguard rolled his eyes, though he was not surprised by the younger boy’s petulant antics. “I don’t have time for your games Nakamoto,” he muttered, crossing his arms. He continued to observe the Yuta, anticipating what he would say next, but silence was the only factor that lapsed. “Don’t bullshit me,” Sehun added with a huff. “Fess up, where is he?”

Yuta let out an exasperated breath, “Just like I said. He banged a girl last night and he’s sleeping in because pretty boy needs his full twelve hours after a fuck.”

Sehun groaned, frustrated and his brows crossed together. The one part he found rather bothersome about his job was that the younger boys tended to stay out till early morning and show up at noon, long after their shifts started. Sehun felt like he was the only responsible individual out on the beach—and to be honest, be probably was from what he had witnessed so far.

“Don’t pretend you haven’t brought home a girl from the beach, Sehun. We all saw your hook up with that blonde in the back of your jeep last Friday.” That time, it was Seo Youngho who responded. Youngho was another lifeguard, the second in command to Sehun, and no doubt one of the more talented of the group.

The boys grew silent, some chortling at his sly point, and others merely nodding along. Sehun, no doubt, was a flirt, maybe even a bigger one than Yuta—but at least he still prioritized tasks above all. Sehun’s reasoning for becoming a lifeguard, as the man himself had claimed before, was to spot the gorgeous girls — “babe watch”, as he modestly called it.

“Shut it, Seo. I don’t have time for your shit,” Sehun snapped, the urge to smack his younger was sudden, but he kept his hands to himself. As many times as the younger individuals prodded at his being with the truth—the shameful honesty—he had never adjusted to their puerile actions.

Youngho rolled his eyes, his lips twisting into a satisfied grin. As much as Sehun hated Youngho’s teasing, it was unavoidable. Youngho was younger than Sehun by only a year, but more often had he acted like an older brother to Sehun. Every time Sehun felt the urge to clout Youngho, he stopped himself and reminded himself of their history together.

The two had met years ago when both of their families had moved to Hawaii. There, by some mockery of fate, they ended up becoming lovely neighbors and, not long after, watched a friendship bloom. The two had grown up together and, when the hypothesis of a college education started to sprout amidst an irate family conversation, they decided the wisest decision would be to start saving money for it. Of course, for that, they would need a job.

Youngho had been the one to suggest lifeguarding. Sehun had rejected the idea at first, the mere idea rebarbative to his ears, but then realized the benefits of spotting bodacious women everyday was worth the torturous hours under the scalding sunlight. The two had gone through training together and Sehun had the worked his way up to chief—though no one was exactly sure how, because he did absolutely nothing. Johnny was placed as his second in command, though he was by far a better lifeguard.

Youngho was built tall and strong, an excellent swimmer—especially in dangerous waters. In fact, he was able to swim like a professional competitor past arduous swells. He was no doubt the fittest lifeguard on the beach and, if someone must say, one of the best looking. Besides being a lifeguard, he had other hobbies: paddle boarding, playing the piano, and even being a DJ late Saturday nights. Youngho was also an extremely intelligent student, excelling in his studies and receiving offers to prestigious universities; he had no money to attend any however. Frankly, he was well rounded—but that was hard to believe due to his outrageously disheveled appearance.

“Hansol, can you go get him?” Sehun called to another lifeguard. He pinned the duty onto another, annoyed and refusing to face Taeyong—because, without hesitation, he would smack the back of his head with a blunt object. “He’s working the high crowd area today and I can’t replace him with Johnny.”

Hansol, another tall and handsome lifeguard nodded, already racing up the slope.

Sehun looked over his shoulder and yelled, “And if he refuses, tell him I will personally come to beat his ass!”

As a response, Hansol waved him off as he made his way to his convertible. If the boy had been annoyed by the task, he sure did not let it show through his peaceful expression. Silently, the chief thanked that there were still responsible workers under his service.

Sehun turned back around and let out an exasperated sigh. “Alright boys, time for the assignments. All of you are working at your regular stations.” He flipped through his papers before looking towards Youngho. “Seo, I’d like to say welcome back, but I wish you weren’t back.”

“My leg is fine, Sehun,” he guaranteed, impassive as he flashed him a thumbs up.

Sehun scoffed and everyone around shook their heads at the boy’s stubbornness. “I don’t give a damn,” the chief threw back, “I’m putting you here, because it’s less crowded and I don’t need you to fuck it up again after you’ve just recovered.”

Youngho let out a deep, annoyed breath. He had been out for almost four months with a broken leg after falling while hiking up diamond head, which was one of the longest and taxing hiking paths known to the island. Taeyong had been there at the scene, having a heart attack as he saw his friend slip off the edge and disappeared from his sight. In fact, Taeyong thought he had lost a dear friend to the point he was on the verge of tears.

Sehun, on the other hand, had been at the beach on duty only to have discovered three days later what had happened. He had been furious at the two for not notifying him and, up to this day, he still held a grudge towards Youngho for being too stupid to report the accident.

“Yes, sir,” Youngho agreed glumly, running a hand through his onyx hair.

With a sigh, he moved on with his speech, “Alright boys, you’re all dismissed. Drink enough water and don’t let anyone drown.”

A collective ‘okay’ was heard and, soon after, the lifeguards headed towards their designated spots.

Youngho picked up his backpack, shaking off what little sand clung to the bottom of the grey canvas. He strode towards the tower, Sehun following behind, and once he arrived, he tossed the bag onto one of the lone chairs, followed by his windbreaker. He rifled around in his backpack for his sunglasses, placing the gold aviators on his head when he found them like it was a lost treasure.

Sehun plopped down in the other seat, placing his feet onto the wooden counter, the beige coating chipping away. He looked up at the younger boy and motioned for him to sit. Youngho followed, situating himself down next to him, a pair of binoculars resting just in front of the desk.

“Pass them to me.” Sehun stuck out his hand, gesturing to the black object.

Youngho handed them over as he rolled his eyes. “Are you looking for babes?” he provoked.

Sehun smirked. “I’m always on babe watch.”

“And you give Taeyong shit for picking up girls,” Youngho muttered under his breath, creating a lighter atmosphere for the two friends.

Sehun shrugged, yawning as he said, “He’s different—he doesn’t get his shit done.”

Youngho reached for the small stack of papers on the counter, leafing through them to see if any paperwork needed to be finalized. There was not much other than a few reports that needed to be signed. Consequently, he tossed them aside before turning his attention back the extension of the beach.

People had begun to arrive. Early morning risers had come to catch the surf and families wanting a decent spot had begun to take their places upon the beach. Luckily, this stretch of the place was usually vacant, as most strayed away from those stormy waters, other than surfers who liked the decent waves it provided. That day, however, the water seemed choppier than usual, most likely due to the wind that was beginning to flow in like uneven cascades. Youngho gazed between the ocean and the visitors, tapping his fingers against his chair, boredom present in his expression.

Youngho’s mind wandered beyond the radiant horizon. He missed being out in the water. Having been stuck at home for four months had been dull; his body ached to feel the cool sea that was a mere two yards from his home. Youngho had grown up in the water, learning to paddleboard and surf with his parents shortly after he moved in the third grade. When he grew older, he spent many nights in high school, frequenting the beach on weekends — staying late till the stars took over the night sky and the warm laughs of his friends filled the vacant space.

The ocean water had always put the boy at ease, even in its most dangerous state. There was something enchanting about watching the wide blanket of pure azure roll onshore, then off. Maybe it was the way the sun captured and reflected its glory, or the calming effect of the salty sea breeze. Youngho had never been scared of the sea, and would never be—after all, that was what made him an excellent lifeguard, always willing to do what he could to make the ocean a safe place for others.

As Youngho was lost in his thoughts, Sehun popped the bubble of Youngho’s reverie.

“Oh, that brunette is cute!” The thoughts faded away when he heard Sehun’s ecstatic voice. Sehun sounded as if he had been searching for a breathtaking woman for eons, and only recently had she arrived—like searching for water in a parched desert. His companion mumbled a disinterested hm, paying no attention to the girl Sehun was observing. “She’s got a friend, really pretty as well. They must be from the mainland.”

“I’m gone for four months and you still haven’t changed,” he sighed, taking a sip from his water bottle.

Sehun chuckled lightly. “Did you really expect me to?”

Youngho shrugged, knowing all too well that his friend would always remain the same: greasy, lazy, and immature—fresh like the way they first met. The two sat inside, still observing the strangers taking up the space on the sand. Some were simply relaxing and tanning, while others zipped up their wet suits—ready to catch the waves that were beginning to grow taller.

The two life guards slipped into a brotherly banter soon after—Sehun asking how Youngho’s leg was, and Youngho making remarks about Sehun’s shameless attempts to hit on the women of the beach. They briefly chatted about college and their future, also making comments on how slow the day was, even if it was just the morning. From the looks of it, even on the other sections of the beach, there were still less of a crowd than usual.

Youngho rose from his chair, placing his hands on the dated counter. “Slow day isn’t it Sehun?”

“I think it’s because of the weather.” Sehun’s eyes shot towards the gloomy sky, now beginning to be taken over by clouds. “Don’t worry about it, we haven’t had a day like this in a while,” he looked back towards the beach, still determined to spot the hotties. “Who knows, maybe we’ll get some idiot who drowns today, then you can go fix your boredom.”

Youngho rolled his eyes at Sehun’s words, still itching for the feel of the water.

The road waved along through town, towering hotels and a plethora of condos on either side, both flying by as you zipped along in your black jeep. The windows were rolled down to let the sea breeze drift through, mingling with the faint beat of a loved song that came from the stereos. Traffic was sparse today, many staying inside or choosing to go hiking instead. The cooler weather brought fear to many; the hypothesis of a soon-to-come rain causing for people to stray away from the beachside.

You veered by your normal turn breezily, instead on the lookout for a new one. The GPS had told you to go down the road for a few more miles, and so you followed, excited to venture to a new location, hoping to compare if it would be better than your current—if it was possible.

Frequenting Hawaii was something you tried to do twice a year. One trip to Oahu and the other to Maui, both two of your favorite places; Maui, in your mind, was far better, but the latter held a special place in your heart as well, for it was where you had first experienced the ocean, the warm waters exciting you as you stepped foot in the calm sea.

From that day on, you had always begged your parents to take you back and they followed through, mostly because your dad managed to rack up enough points to vacation.

You pulled off the road when your GPS alerted you to, parking in one of the many vacant spots in the lot. It seemed like there really was such few people today from what you could see, other than the lifeguards and a group of surfers now attempting to catch a few waves.

You slipped out of your car, grabbing your tattered blue backpack. The bag had seen much better days, but after years of lying in the sun and being hit by waves, it was a miracle it was still stitched together. Though, you would be lying if you said you did not need a new one. You slipped the straps over your arms before you began to untie your clean ivory board off the roof rack. You pulled the black paddle out of the back seat and set off towards the ocean, a bright smile now upon your face.

The fine grains of sand sneaked their way in between your toes and onto your flip flops as you made your way onto the beach, searching for a secluded spot where you could later relax in serenity. You passed the shabby lifeguard tower, two tall men exiting just as you made your way to the side of the beach, the opposite place of where the group of rambunctious surfers had set their belongings. You stuck your board in the sand, tossing the paddle next to it before you laid out your brightly colored towel. Your backpack and shoes followed, now the only thing remaining on you was your simple white bikini top and your wet suit that hung around your hips.

The waves look alright today. I think it should be safe enough for now, you thought, eyes wandering across the ocean and surveying the wide landscape. The waves had yet to become too choppy and crowded. Other than the surfers and paddleboarders, only two families occupied the water—one with three kids and the other with just one small son. You gripped your board and paddle, confidently making your way into the water.

Sehun poked Youngho’s arm, mischievously smirking. Youngho returned the gesture with raised brows as he looked at his friend, eyes wide with confusion. Sehun’s head gestured towards his left, causing Youngho to scan the area Sehun was motioning too.

He let out an ‘Ah’ before turning back to his friend, smirking as he rolled his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time. He returned his eyes back to the stunning girl who had just walked past the two. He followed her movements, not taking his gaze off of her until she sauntered into the water.

He frowned. “I’ve never seen her here before. She’s not a local is she?” he questioned.

Sehun shook his head, closely watching the paddleboarder as she hoisted herself onto her board, sitting on her knees as she paddled out deeper into the sapphire water. “She’s definitely not a local, but it looks like she far from a beginner.” He lifted his black shades to further observe her fluid actions. “She must frequent the ocean a lot if she’s going out in this weather.”

Youngho shrugged, unable to find anything wrong with situation, but he knew what Sehun meant. At any moment the waters could turn dangerous, leading to a causality, which none of them wanted to deal with.

“Who knows, maybe she’ll drown and you can show off your sick skills, broski.”

Youngho laughed at Sehun’s comment; it was not an everyday occurrence for his juvenile humour to slip out. “I’m sure that expertise of hers will save herself.”

“I’m just saying.” Sehun chortled, throwing his hands up in the air as if he was defeated.

The two boys continued to observe, but only for a few more minutes before they turned their focus to the rest of the beach. Youngho smiled as he saw a young boy, possibly only two or three, being led out to the water, each parent holding one of his chubby hands. The scene reminded of him of when he first experienced the water.

He watched the child cautiously approach the ocean, dumbfounded when the cool liquid touched his feet. The boy produced a wide grin, smiling with joy towards his parents who tittered in response.

“Reminds me of me,” Youngho announced to Sehun, pointing towards the child.

“You were fatter, weren’t you?” a snicker came from Sehun, who received a glance from Youngho. “I’m just kidding, but you’re still quite fat, you know that right?”

Sehun received a rather strong hit on the arm. “You know you’re still quite sleazy, right?” Youngho muttered just loud enough for him to hear.

“I should hit you for that,” he challenged, raising his fist. He glanced around to see if anyone was watching, lowering it when he saw two figures jogging towards them. He motioned to Youngho, “Taeyong’s here.”

“You should hit Taeyong instead of me.” Youngho chuckled, and Sehun could only agree with him.

Today should have been spent indoors with a warm cup of tea and a battered paperback, but by the time you were yards from shore, there was no point of return. In fact, the moment you had gotten into your car had cemented your strong urge to venture to the ocean.

You sat on your legs, your paddle gently connecting with the water with every push as you made your way further and further away from the shore. You gazed at the horizon just beyond, feeling a sense of tranquility. It had been months since you had last felt this calm and there was no better way to feel so than to relax on your board, the deep blue surrounding you on all four sides.

You continued, now changing directions as you began to paddle parallel to the shore. You observe those on land, the people looking like small dots as they stood on the beige sand. You squinted in hopes to catch sight of the two lifeguards you had seen earlier. They were now talking to two others, who were no doubt just as handsome. You smirked, not the least surprised that the beach patrol was made up of only good-looking men.

The wind beginning to pick up snapped you from your distractions. You looked around, noticing the waves increasing in size and now becoming less calm. You hesitantly stood up, rooting your feet as much as you could to the board, now becoming slippery as the waves lapped against it. There was no room for errors, because one small slip and you would be pulled under.

To say you were not afraid would be a lie. If anything, it was not precisely fear, but more of being cautious. It had only been a few summers ago when your life had flashed before your eyes and you were not about to experience almost drowning once again.

You had always been taught how to be safe in the water, meaning you were enrolled in extensive swimming lessons and when you had first learned paddle boarding, your parents made sure to engrain the knowledge of how to survive the ocean in your mind.

Your paddling now began to get faster to turn yourself towards the shore. You took quick, but long movements, cutting the onyx paddle through the water. You were far from done, but you wanted to make sure you were not too far from the shore in case any real issue arose.

Now your eyes were trained on the family you had seen just before you had entered the water. The father was holding onto a green inflatable tube, while the mother stood on the shore with her camera, capturing the beautiful moments between father and son. The little boy in the green tube splashed about happily, not a single worry in his mind. Children were naive beings who knew nothing, but happiness.

Your hair blew over your face now that the wind continued to speed up, causing the waves to become more and more violent, threatening to knock you off if you were not careful. You focused your eyes on the beach, now realizing it might be the right time to return to safety, for you did not want to be swallowed by any waves. You glanced around, noticing the only others in the ocean where the local surfers, who seemed too calm, but they enjoyed the thrill of large waves.

But while they remained tranquil, there was panic back near the beach. The cries for help made you whip your head around, eyes rapidly darting to the green tube now floating lonely in the strong waves, far from the father who was attempting to swim against the current, desperate to find his son, and the mother who was hysterically crying out to the lifeguards.

You continued to assess the situation, remaining calm as you searched for the boy, heavy breaths coming out harshly. There was no time to panic, but there was also no time to stay still. You desperately paddled towards the inflatable, hoping you could spot the child. A brief moment of relief washed through your body when you saw a head poke out of the water, only to be shattered when it disappeared under the waves.

There would be no way the lifeguards would reach the boy in time, meaning you were the nearest option of rescue. Your knees hit your board knowing it would be quicker to travel kneeling that standing, attempting to balance your weight against the brutal waves. Your movements were sharp and long, the only thing on your mind was the child. You craned your neck, still hoping to catch glimpses of the boy as you neared the tube. If you had waited for him to resurface, you would have lost precious time, so instinctively abandoned your board, diving straight into the cool blue.

If you could have one wish at that moment you wished for light, because although Hawaii waters were somewhat clear in the sun, your vision was dark as you attempted to navigate the area. Your head poked through the surface as you breathed in deeply before you plunged back down, swimming towards the direction you had last seen the boy. Adrenaline coursed through your veins, causing you to become anxious, for you had never been in a situation like this before.

And, just when you were beginning to become frustrated, you saw a dark figure floating still just a few feet away. Arms stretching out towards the figure, your feet kicked hastily against the forceful tides, propelling your way through the thickness of the salty water. At last, you reached the boy and took him in your arms with endless alleviation; ignoring how deeply your lungs fought for the deprived air.You just about ran out as your broke through, coughing slightly from excess water that had managed to find it's way into your mouth. You struggled to swim back to your board, collapsing against on the edge after you hoisted the boy on top. Fighting against the fatigue that came after the current of adrenaline, you placed your own weight upon the object, a new destination in mind: the solace of the sand.

As quickly as you could you swam towards the shore, legs tiring, but not faltering as you kicked them faster. When you reached the shallow waters you jumped off with no hesitation, fighting your way back onto the sand as you trudged through the water, the boy limp in your arms. You collapsed onto the ground out of breath as one of the lifeguards from earlier took the child to perform CPR.

A breath of relief came from your mouth as you heard the kid cough up water, his parents crying out in joy. Your head hit the sand, your arms sprawled out and your hair a tangled wet mess. Your shut your eyelids, taking in slow breaths. It hadn't even been that intense of a rescue, yet you felt beyond exhausted.

"Do you need CPR too, miss?" a deep voice asked.

Your eyes slowly fluttered open, squinting to see who was towering above you. You sucked in a breath at the sight. The man above that was casting his own penumbra over your frame had soft ebony locks that gently hung around his face and perfect petal lips. His bronze skin and his toned arms with prominent veins running down his forearms were a sight to behold. Is this what God looks like? You pondered, stunned at the breathtaking mien of the individual.

"Miss, are you okay?" he questioned again, now squatting down to get a closer look at you.

You muttered a few inaudible words, only for him to raise a brow for the lack of comprehension. He held out a hand, though it took you a few extra seconds to process the gesture, and you placed your own in his, allowing him to help you sit up. You said a quiet 'thanks' before dusting off the sand that clung to every inch of your skin. The man observed you with kind eyes, waiting to speak again.

He cleared his throat. "I'm Youngho." He paused, but you continued to look down, to shy to bring your eyes to his. "I should thank you for doing my job for me, but I'm a bit jealous."

You let out a snort. "You're jealous you didn't get to save someone from death?" You looked up, still dumbfounded by his allure. "I just did what anyone would do. Besides you wouldn't have gotten there in time."

"No, I probably wouldn't have, but it's my job. I'm trained to assist and save." You caught the slight bit of annoyance in his voice, but you let it slide. He was correct in the sense that he was supposed to save those in trouble, but you stood by your facts that he would not have reached the boy in time.

You shrugged, turning away. A tiny smile danced on your lips as you saw mother and father embrace their son, refusing to let him go. They made their way over, showering you with an abundance of ‘thank yous’. The father crying over how she would be unable to live with himself if their child had actually drowned and the mother stating you were a gift sent from God. You were too exhausted to properly handle the situation, but assured them that you had just done what needed to have been done.

"I've never seen you before," Youngho stated.

You turned back, giving him a grin. "I'm not local, this is the first time I've come to this beach." You steadily rose from the ground, a hand raising to your forehead as you attempted to steady yourself from feeling dizzy. Youngho following suit, reaching out in case you collapsed back to the ground. "But it's not the first time on the island. I've been frequenting this place since I was five."

Youngho nodded his head. “Ah, I see.” e made his way over to your lone board and paddle. Easily picking them up, he followed you as you made your way back to the belongings. You peeled off your wet suit, throwing it on top of your sandy towel, grains flying from the gust of air.

"Oh," you began, "I'm Y/N." You were not exactly sure why you felt the need to introduce yourself, but you saw no harm in doing so, especially after he had done the same to you.

"Nice to meet you, Y/N. Sorry that your first experience here was intense." Youngho laughed.

You smiled back, ready to continue the conversation, but another lifeguard called out to him. Youngho scratched the back of his neck as he looked at you apologetically. "Ah, I think lunch is here,” he commented with certain despondency, “I'll see you around?" he asked, almost hopeful at the idea.

You nodded, your lips curling into a stupid grin as you watched Youngho jog off towards the rest of the lifeguards. You heart sped up, excitement flowing through your body. You could not wait to see the lifeguard again.

Maybe you were bored, maybe you were unsatisfied with your last venture. Perhaps you needed an excuse to see Youngho again. Whatever it was—no doubt it was to see Youngho—you found yourself back at the ocean’s edge, your foot propped on top of your board to keep it steady and your paddle in hand.

After your rescue work you had left to grab some lunch and have a quick snooze in the back of your jeep before you made your way back down to the beach. Discarding your wetsuit this time, you displayed your muted tangerine bikini bottoms that fit your figure nicely, in hopes Youngho would catch a glimpse. Besides that, your wet suit was covered in sand and you had a substantial desire to wash it.

Making your way back into the water, you strode against the waves until you began to tread, rapidly dipping your body into the ocean before you hauled yourself onto the board. With your scull ready you stood up and began paddling out, determined to relax your second time on the ocean.

The weather, however, was not any better and instead you would have felt more relaxed if you had stayed on land, lying down on a warm towel. But there you were, your hair drenched with grains of sand clinging onto some locks, and plastered against your face and neck. The waves gently splashing against your board, mist from the sea cooling your body.

To your right the same group of surfers you had seen earlier were daringly taking on the breakers that curled as they rapidly grew larger by the foot. You watched with steady eyes and a focused mind, slightly frightened by the height of the expeditious combers. Nonetheless, you continued, once again making sure you were parallel to the sand, venturing in the opposite swell of the surfers.

You swiped away the hair that stuck to your face, squinting as the mist from the waves blinded your vision ever so slightly and stinged your two orbs from the haze salt. The weather appeared like it was not going to uplift at any given moment, but, remaining with high hopes, you advanced farther. Almost mindlessly and with an expert arm, you were digging your paddle into the water, the blade of it completely covered by the sea until it hit the shoulder, and your torso was slightly turning. You unwinded your body like it was a twist and dragged the paddle past the choppy ocean, the heaving water uneasy and disrupting your flow.

You lost your flux for a perfunctory moment and struggled to collect your composure. Batting your eyes upwards, it was prominent that the erudite choice would be to paddle back to the shore or remain by the white water until the weather cleared, for there were nothing but grey clouds covering the scintillating rays of the brilliant sun. A large penumbra began to cast over the entire coast, enveloping it as if a blanket were to cover the entire land, and you swallowed your breath.

Winds began to get harsher and the mist started to slap onto your skin rather than kissing it. Hell, as much as you were an expert and craved to go out for another set, you needed to get back onshore for safety. Your head turned left and right in search of other locals that occupied the beach, but they were all by the white water, taking a break from the raging swells.

Raising your arm and bringing the paddle to the other side, you attempted to prompt a turn. It would have been successful if it was not for the strong gust of wind that had arrived, distorting your momentum. Your paddle became unsteady in your grasp and almost flew out of your weak grip. Consequently, you reached out for it desperately, but rather than saving your paddle and yourself, both crashed right into the water.

Your board was placed off its equanimous balance from one foot perceptibly in front of the other, and with a slip it skidded out from your weight and made its way towards the sky. With a narrowing gaze on your board, your arms reached out to grab onto it as if the mere action would successfully save you from the harsh landing — to no avail. Before your paddle board even gained its speed to head back down onto the sea, your body was rapidly cased by the irate ocean.

Your eyes clamped shut as your frame was buried under the thick mass of water, your limbs and locks flying free before you comprehended the situation. Your breath was being held in your chest and cheeks were diminutively puffed; the impact of the rolling waves still weighing down on your reflexes. Stuck by panic, you started to move your arms with unbearable force, battling against the undertow of the upcoming storm.

You could barely move.

Your arms tried to cut their way underneath the dense sea, but with your limbs feeling weak as if threads were holding them back, the ocean felt impenetrable like you were fighting inside a viscous substance. Opening your eyes by a few centimeters, you were able to make out the remaining bits of the light that was casted by the shielded sun, completely fuzzy through the dispersion of the tempestuous waves. Frantically, you started to swim towards the sky, hands hopelessly grabbing onto the light rays as if it would pull you towards safety from the acute situation.

For a mere second, you thought you would not make it. As your chest started to spasm in a never ending search for air, your throat grew tighter, pulsating in the compass of your rapid heartbeat. You needed to breathe, but the sea was pulling you under.

Until, at last, the undertow receded.

It took a series of quick kicking and fast movement, but your hand finally made its way to the surface. Soon after, your head met the cool wind and, as you opened your mouth and inhaled what you could of the salty air, you thought you had found your solace. Yet, it was ruined all too soon: the very second you gasped for breath, all your could hear was the roar of the waves, and the water crashing down on you once again.

The salty ocean filled your lungs, and burned your esophagus; your throat tightening as you gasped for air without thinking: it was instinctive. You could feel your chest tightening and your nose blocked, almost as if someone’s hand was smothering you, the cold fingers of death ready to take you away. Around you, the water began to feel abnormally warm, comforting your limp body as, at last, your limbs gave up fighting against the merciless currents that pulled you towards the deep sandy ground.

It all went by in a matter of seconds, but it felt unbearably long for you. There were no oxygen, no energy — no light to be seen though the rampageous waves. Your mind began to go blank, your vision blurring shortly after and, as cool blue began to fade away, bringing peace to your soul, you let out a small smile of relief before your vision faded to black.

Youngho had seen you go under the weight of the water, and in fact he knew that something drastic like this would have happened, for anyone with a sane mind would not have gone back out in this weather. He had observed you since you had stepped back onto the beach, shedding your wetsuit, and more than eagerly paddled out into the deep blue. But the moment he had seen the water overwhelm your board, he realized that you would be in grave danger.

He nearly knocked over his half eaten chicken katsu, a favorite of his, frantically sprinting towards the shoreline, yelling at Sehun to keep his eye on you. The older lifeguard obliged, hastily reaching for his binoculars, focusing in on your figure, now hectically paddling for shore. Youngho reached the end of the sand, the cool waves nipping at his feet, wet sand pushing it’s way in between his toes. His gaze scanning the horizon for you and there in the exact moment he spotted you, a wave engulfed your body.

His gasped, his heart beating rapidly as he waited for you two pop up again, yet it felt like hours had passed by for you had yet to resurface. He called out to Hansol, summoning him. The lanky ink haired lifeguard was by his side in no time and had discard his windbreaker and hat. The two ran down the beach, the sight breathtaking, but at this moment the two could have cared less about appearances as they made their way to the life boat, pushing it into the water with as much strength they could muster.

Hansol started the engine up, Youngho perched at the front, still keeping his eyes trained on where he had last seen you. As the two boys sped closer to your location, there was a breath of hope as he saw your hand break through the surface followed by your head, until another wave came down, sinking you into the gloomy waters. Youngho felt a pang in his chest, silently muttering to himself that you would be okay.

It made him wonder, why did this rescue feel more important to him than others? Of course it was his duty to ensure the safety of those in the water, but he would feel guilty if he had let you drown on his beach; hell, his life would be over. Maybe it was because you looked so pure and beautiful the last time he saw you; his attraction to you was the reason behind it, instead of just your overall safety, just like any other human that stepped onto his beach. He shook his head, cursing that Sehun has joked about you drowning, overlooking the idea into thought that you would actually be in trouble.

Youngho removed his jacket, followed by his shirt to which Hansol inwardly rolled his eyes, but he only slowed down the boat, cutting the engine when they neared your location. Your overturned board and paddle were retrieved by Hansol, who carefully steadied the boat as Youngho dove into the ocean. He swam below the waves, careful not to get trapped by the currents. Soon he spotted your limp body, looking deathly tranquil.

Hansol helped Youngho lift you onto the boat, before he hauled himself up, holding you closely in your arms. The other lifeguard started the engine, now heading back towards the shoreline, continuing to glimpse back in hopes Youngho had revived you. Once the watercraft reached the beach Youngho collapsed onto the damp sand, your body pale from the lack of oxygen.

Sehun and Taeyong hurried over, watching with concerned eyes as they saw their friend nearly have a panic attack when you showed no signs of response.

“Come on, dammit,” Youngho yelled, pressing on your chest repeatedly. He pinched your nose as he brought his lips onto yours, blowing air into your mouth. He repeated the process several times, pausing for a moment to catch his breath. It was becoming hopeless and Youngho felt his eyes begin to water.

Miracles were apparent, for you began to cough, spitting the excess water from your lungs. Youngho frantically helped you sit up, breathing a sigh of relief as you continued to hack up the salt water, followed by throwing up onto the sand next to you. Your throat was on fire as you took in breaths of air, your vision still foggy. Your body was aching and you head was pounding. You attempted to sit up again, but once again your vision turned to ink and your head hit the ground.

Youngho sat in his chair, his elbow propped up on one of the armrests, his head lay against his hand. He breathed softly as he watched your snoozing figure, curled up in a faded towel. It had been two hours since you had been revived and you had instantly passed out after vomiting out all fluids from your body. Youngho watched as you squirmed slightly, nearly hitting your head against one of the shelves set in the back of the tower.

Your eyes began to open, the light blinding you so you held up a hand to block the soft rays that poured in through the window. Your head felt heavy, your mouth parched, and your throat still stung.

A gentle voice flowed through your ears, catching you by surprise. “How do you feel?”

You peered through the cracks of your fingers, your vision focusing on the person who sat before you. “Youngho?” you asked, attempting to sit up.

He rushed to you, kneeling down as he helped steady you, one hand on your lower back, the other on your shoulder.

“What am I doing here?” you questioned, still not registering the events that had happened just hours before.

He sat, letting you rest against his chest, but you peered up, locking eyes with his. “You almost died.” He quietly said, unsure if it was the correct way to start the conversation. “You almost drowned, but we managed to get there in time.”

The dam had broken so suddenly and a waterfall of tears streamed from your eyes. You buried your head into the lifeguard’s chest, your hands bunching at his jacket. Youngho froze, completely caught off guard by your sudden outburst, unsure of how to respond. You had just almost drowned, but he did not think your reaction would be like this.

“Y/N, it’s okay, you’re okay,” He comforted, hesitantly patting your back. “You’re safe now.”

You continued to cry on, still overwhelmed by the fact you had almost died and somehow the handsome lifeguard had saved your life. Was this a dream? Had you already died? This could not have possibly been real.

Your breathing began to calm, the tears beginning to slow. Youngho still held you in his strong arms, as if he had no intention of letting you go. You looked up, catching his eyes in yours, “Thank you.” You muttered almost too softly.

Youngho gave you a small squeeze, a gesture of comfort, of just saying he was doing his job, yet there was so much more. He could never know he almost had a heart attack when he witnessed the wave swallow you or when he almost cried at the thought of you not waking up.

“I don’t know what to do now,” you simply said, drying your eyes.

Youngho smiled down at you, wrapping his arm tighter around your shoulder. “How about we have Sehun bring us some food.” He reached for his cell, quickly sending a message to his partner. “I mean, you know,” he stammered, “as comfort food.”

Your voice still quiet, yet much less scared, replied, “I’d like that.” You let out a gentle smile, assuring him of his faint worries. “I’d like that a lot.”

After your near death experience four days ago, you had yet to leave the comforts of your rental home, curled up on the couch in a soft cream blanket. As much as you wanted to leave the house, both your mental and physical state were quite low; you chest still felt tight and your throat still stung. You had nightmares each night, all causing you to wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. Youngho had sent you occasional texts checking up on you, yet you declined every offer he made to come over in order to check up on your state. It was not because you did not want to see him, or that you were ungrateful for him rescuing you; but you were too embarrassed by the situation to face him; had felt so dumb for even venturing back into the ocean when the signs were clear you should not have.

Your head perked up, eyes peering over the back of the couch at the sound of the doorbell: there was a dark shadow behind the frosted glass door. You waited, observing if the visitor would ring the bell again, and he did. A faint grumble escaped your mouth as you shrugged the blanket to the floor, plodding over. You tugged at the stainless steel handle, the door swinging back effortlessly to reveal the handsome lifeguard.

Youngho held a bouquet of brightly colored flowers in one hand and his other resting in the pocket of his tattered light washed jeans. He smiled sheepishly, awkwardly presenting the bunch of flowers to you. You responded by thanking him, gently receiving the flowers, a small grin sat on your face. As much as you wanted to be by yourself you invited him inside, the two of you settling into the couch, facing one another.

He was the first to speak. “How have you been?” he questioned with concern evident in his tone.

You shrugged, unsure how to respond, for you really were not feeling all that better, though seeing him after a few days had made your spirit rise by just a bit, “I could be better.” You repositioned yourself to feel more comfortable. “How do you know where I live?”

Youngho scratched his neck, an ‘ah’ slipping from his pale lips. “I managed to ask someone at the hospital the other day.” He shook his hands in front of him, his eyes wide. “Please don’t think I’m stalking you or anything. I just wanted to come check up on you, really.” He paused for a moment. “I’ve actually been really worried and I wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do,” he said softly.

“It’s okay, I understand your concern.” Your eyes lowered to focus on your hands as you intertwined your fingers. It was still incredibly unbelievable: drowning from recklessness, meeting Youngho, and having him by your side comforting you. An outlandish feeling overcame your heart, rendering you unsure on what to prompt next. Do you two remain in the roomy quietude, allowing it to lapse? Or should you commence a series of questions. Whatever it was that you ached to do, Youngho beat you to it with an inquiry.

“I also wanted to ask you a question, and please don’t feel pressured or anything.” He was beginning to ramble, outrageously nervous. “I know you’re still pretty drained and it’s actually really dumb for me to ask this. And I’m not sure why I even came here to ask you this, because it should have just been me coming to make sure you were okay. Also, you’re probably wondering why I care so much and I’m not sure, but if it’s weird-”

“Youngho.” You raised a hand, a giggling flowing from your lips. “Just ask the question.”

Youngho muttered a small apology before continuing on, “There’s a bonfire tonight. It’s sort of a monthly thing we do — my friends, not the lifeguards — and I was curious if you wanted to accompany me?” Youngho remained quiet, waiting for your answer.

For him it had been a chance to ask and he took it, though he was extremely positive that you would say no. But not because you did not like him, but because you were simply too exhausted and far from placid to step foot on the beach in such a short amount of time.

“I’ll go,” Your statement was straightforward: a yes.

Youngho’s eyes grew larger, his expression a combination of astonishment and exuberance. “Really? Okay, um wow. I didn’t actually expect you to say yes.”

The two of you laughed, both actually dumbfounded by the answer. Youngho began to go off about how great tonight would be; the plethora of food and drinks, the company they would have, and the joy it would bring everyone after a stressful week. You agreed for Youngho to pick you up later, a small amount of excitement bubbling inside of you, for you had somewhat scored with the lifeguard. You began to dance in jocularity once he had drove off, while an enormous smile formed on your lips.

The clock showing it was almost ten o’clock in the evening had you nearly tripping down the stairs as your rushed to answer the front door, your lace-up sandals sloppily tied. You opened the door to greet Youngho with a bright smile, sucking in your breath at his simple, yet polished appearance. Navy shorts and a ivory crew neck, paired with white sneakers, it was enough to make you swoon. He had the same thought, for his eyes trailed down your figure, before he cleared his throat, breaking the spell that was causing the two of you to ogle at one another, “Ready to go?” he asked.

You nodded, quickly tightening the laces on your sandals before stepping outside into the warm Hawaiian air. Youngho rested an arm on your back, leading you to his car.

The drive to the beach was wonderful to say the least. The top of Youngho’s Mustang convertible been retracted, allowing for the breeze to pass through, the music from the radio mixing in with the sound of the wind. The two of you settled into a casual conversation of getting to know one another better. From Youngho moving to the island to your first encounter with the water, of course he discussed how he had become a lifeguard, and you explained your history with paddle boarding. The two of you felt comfortable around one another.

Youngho pulled to the side of the road, opening your door to help you exit. He held out his hand and you without hesitation took it, the two of you now sauntering down to the sand, just a little late to the party.

Down at the beach there were other lifeguards present. Some you had met before: Hansol, Sehun, and Taeyong. And others you had not; one named Yuta who was so blatantly flirting with you and one much younger, who even though was in college still looked like a high schooler, his name being Sicheng. There were quite a number of others there, most likely friends or girlfriends of the boys, but you had little interest in making new friends.

You turned to ask Youngho a question to find him gone, but he soon returned, his arm snaking it’s way through yours, beginning to pull you away from the crowd of people. The two of your strolled along shore, the waves barely missing your feet. When you were out of view from the crowd, he led you up the beach a little, gently pulling you down to the ground.

“You look beautiful tonight, by the way.” You could hear the shyness in his voice.

You laid your hand on his, squeezing it lightly, “You’re just as handsome, if I say so myself.” you told the boy, who chuckled in response.

The two of you remained silent, neither one sure of who was supposed to speak or, in fact, what you were supposed to talk about. You finally took the initiative to continue the conversation.“I wanted to thank you.”

He elevated one eyebrow, “For?” questioned, taken aback by the sudden claim.

You looked Youngho in the eyes impeccably. “For saving me.” You shook your head. “I know it sounds really dumb because you were just doing your job, but I guess what I mean is thank you for rescuing me.”

Youngho’s arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer to him so you could rest your head against his chest. The two of you looked up, watching in awe of the stars that shined bright above, “It’s a bit awkward to admit that I couldn’t keep my eyes off you.” Youngho went quiet for a few seconds, wondering how to continue. “Don’t get angry at me for saying this, but I sort of had a hunch that something like this would happen, so I made sure to keep an extra eye on you.”

“How did you feel when you saw me go under?” You were not sure why you asked such a question.

The boy took a minute to respond, in disbelief that he was pretty much confessing his feelings for you. “I felt anxious, terrified. It felt like I was losing someone so close, which is crazy because we had just met.”

You craned your neck to glimpse at him. He noticed and peered down, a slight smirk plastered on his face. There was no hesitation for either of you as you twisted to kneel, wrapping your arms around Youngho’s neck. He advanced by weaving his arms around your waist, the two of you leaning in to one another. You felt the air around you heat up as you felt his soft lips connect with yours.

Humming in response, you pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. After what felt like blissful hours, you both pulled away, both breathing in to regain air. You cheeks burned in embarrassment, your mind racing as you looked away in pure shock at what just occurred.

Youngho noticed and chortled. “Eager much?”

You responded by playfully slapping his arm before you hid your face in your hands.

“You’re so cute when you’re embarassed, Y/N.” He pulled you into a warm hug, squeezing you softly.

The two of you remained seated on the sand, gazing at the night sky that was incredibly brilliant and pellucid. You shivered when you felt the cool ocean breeze kiss your skin, a refreshing and familiar sensation that was home to you. Youngho wrapped his arms tighter around you in hopes to keep you warm, but he could still notice your discomfort. He promptly stood up, extending his hand to you. You grabbed onto his palm softly, allowing him to carry you up. He motioned to the guard tower and you followed, trudging through the sand as he led you to the tower. Playfulness was a word to describe the moment, for he kept on pushing you softly and pulling you back in to place a light kiss on your cheek.

The lifeguard tower was approaching, and soon it was perceptible under the bright effulgence of the moon. It was strange knowing that you were about to enter the lifeguard ensconcement; nonetheless, you let Youngho guide you through.The two of you climbed the short flight of stairs before reaching the door, the creaks breaking the silence that wrapped around you and the dashing lifeguard.

Youngho pushed at the opening, nothing but darkness filling up the compact room. “Sorry it’s a bit dark in here. We haven’t changed the lightbulbs yet.”

Ignoring his words, you took a glance around the cozy shack, watching Youngho as he searched for something specific. It was different than you imagined, way divergent from the movies you had seen. It was not as messy, but tidy; there was no foul scent of discarded uniform that was drenched by seawater, but fresheners. Soon, he produced a red windbreaker, the color standing out in your eyes prominently, from a lone steel cabinet, after draping it around your shoulders. You thanked him before situating yourself at the counter by leaning against the edge. He instead of standing next to you, plopped himself into one of the chairs, scooting it so he could be in front of you.

You cleared your throat to break the silence that was beginning to bug you. “I swear I’m not always that clumsy.”

“I was beginning to forget about it until you brought it up again.” He muttered, clearly annoyed that you were getting back to those same memories.

Embarrassed, you lowered your head. “Sorry, I just can’t keep thinking about it,” you said, hands fumbling the hem of Youngho’s jacket.

Youngho took a short breath, his head looking up in your direction. From the top of your eyes you could seem him staring at you. “About that? Or the fact we kissed?” A low chuckle came from the boy.

Your face grew hot, the urge to sink into the floor was high, but he was not wrong. The kiss was on your mind and there was no reason to pretend you had not enjoyed the lifeguard’s lips on your own, secretly hoping for round two.

His abrupt movements jolted you from your thoughts, catching you off guard as he stood just a few inches from you, his toned arms resting on the counter, trapping you in between. Youngho let out a small smile, leaning down, his forehead coming in contact with yours. His nose brushed against yours, lips just centimeters away from yours. He stayed still, waiting for your next move which happened rather quickly as you pressed your rosy lips against his, moving slowly, attempting to enjoy the motion. Your arms snaked around the nape of his neck, tugging him closer so the kiss could be deepened.

The taste of his lips was heavenly, a mixture of cheap beer and fruity chapstick — the smell of his cologne intoxicating, maxing your mind to a blank slate; your head was especially spinning. He too found pleasure in your scent, your floral perfume that swirled with the ocean salt drifting into his nose, making him ache for you even more.

He pulled away for a breath, allowing you to catch your as well before he bent down again, once again laying his irresistible lips against yours. You gasped in surprise as an arms wove around your waist, his touch radiating electricity through your veins. In one swift movement he lifted you onto the counter, never once breaking the kiss. One of his hands now rested on your thigh, the thumb slowly rubbing the exposed skin, craving to be touched.

You took a second to gather some air, for so much has been lost in a single kiss. Youngho bit his lip, unsure if he should continue, for he was so worried about making a mistake. He had only met you a few days ago and now he had found himself in his lifeguard tower, kissing a girl he had picked up from the beach — or more like rescued from the ocean. You saw the hesitation in his onyx eyes, sparkling with lust.

“Something wrong?” you asked, already knowing that he was contemplating whether or not to continue. In fact you were in the same position. How was it possible that you were kissing a lifeguard in a gloomy room and you had yet to even go on a proper date?

Youngho watched you run your tongue over your bottom lip, pondering if it was a signal for him to continue. “I’m a bit conflicted.” He rubbed the back of his neck, letting out a ‘urgh’.

Your hand reached for the one that hung by his side, drawing him back in. “I think we both know what we want.” Unlike before you were not shy stating this, for you knew he felt the same as you.

He leaned down, his lips brushing against your earlobe. “Then should we continue?” His voice lowered, his eyes darkening.

You could only mumble a ‘sure’ loaded with embarrassment before he kissed you again, his tongue now invading your mouth with no hesitation. Your own crashed against his, a moment of battle between the two of you.

His hand slowly made its way up your thigh, stopping right at the hem of your shorts, tugging at them ever so slightly, an indication he wanted them off. You broke the kiss, your fingers now fumbling with the button, while Youngho worked his lips at your jawline, pecking lightly and nipping a trail down your neck as your squirmed underneath him in attempt to shrug your bottoms off.

You somehow managed to lift yourself slightly off the counter to discard your shorts, Youngho who was still leaving kisses on your neck had now slipped his other hand under your blouse, his fingers making their way north. As much as you wanted to use your own hands on him, you could only grip onto the counter, taking in the insane amount of pleasure you were getting from the lifeguard's lips and hands. His fingers slipped under your thin bralette, a shiver running through you as his hand roamed over your breast, a light moan slipping from your lips.

And he did not stop there, he continued to gently suck on your neck, leaving small pecks in between. His other hand, the one that rested on your thigh had now inched its way up, his fingers faintly brushing up against your clothed core. Your legs closed slightly, your breath hitching at the contact. Youngho murmured something about how you were already wet, no doubt amused that his touch made you feel so weak under his control.

He slipped his hand from out under your blouse, now using that hand to part your thighs, holding on leg steady so you could not hide. You attempted to push against his hand, but you were no match for his strong hands gripped tighter. The tip of his index finger trailed over you, the movement almost too slow for your liking — you were aching for his fingers to enter you, but Youngho had other plans to take it slow. He continued to move his digit up and down, your panties damping. Just as you were about to cry out in annoyance for the boy to stop teasing you, his finger hooked itself around the elastic band, tugging your soaked garment off.

While Youngho’s digits found their way to your clit, your hands somehow managed to let go of the counter, tangling them in his now messy locks, tugging at them to draw him closer. A dark smile formed on his rosy lips as he returned to kissing your neck, his thumb and index pinching your clit lightly. Your head lowered, resting on the crook of the lifeguard’s neck. He let out a deep chuckle, as he pushed one finger in, a moan exiting your mouth in response.

Youngho enjoyed your reaction, feeling himself become harder at the sounds you were emitting — seeing how you writhed under his touch only made his member grow rigid, his desire growing at every small movement from your part. The feeling was amazing, tight, and hot; the necessity to be touched, pleasured, but he wanted this moment to be about you.

He inserted another into your entrance, a breathy ‘ah’ slipping from your lips. His fingers worked quickly, pumping in and out of you, your juices coating his digits completely. You were in pure bliss at this point, but the feeling was shattered when Youngho pulled out, a whine coming from you as you were left unsatisfied. Though, he knew very well what he was doing and you could not help but gasp as he dropped to his knees, now both hands settling on your inner thighs.

Your eyes found their way to his — the boy’s gaze hungry for your taste in such intense way that it made you feel weaker. He moved to spread your legs wider, his breath now hitting the skin of your inner thighs. His tongue connected with your clit, licking a long stripe up. A moan tore from your throat as he pushed his wet muscle in, circling your nub. Your hands latched onto his hair, pulling him closer. The lifeguard took your bud between his lips, sucking gently, the motion sending you over the edge as you continue to squirm in his grasp.

By now, a thin sheet of sweat had already coated your body, your hair now plastered to your neck and forehead. Your breathing was terribly shallow — you were pretty much panting at this point, and felt dizzy from the ridiculous amount of pleasure he was presenting you with such care. Youngho was beyond joy that you were delighting in every moment of what he was giving you, but he was beginning to crack: he needed his own release and he could not stand another second.

Eager, he took his mouth away from your dripping center. A whimper came from you in response, but Youngho ignored your cries. “I need to fuck you now,” he growled, impatient as ever.

You lazily nodded, still attempting to catch your breath. With one tug, you released the ties of your complicated sandals, the shoes dropping the floor; your shirt and bralette followed seconds later. You sat back as you watched Youngho remove his shirt — you were practically drooling at the sight of his sculpted torso. He kicked off his shoes, then proceeded to discard his shorts and boxers, the two pooling at his feet in one swift movement.

His cock smacked against lower stomach, making you inhale sharply, your mouth salivating at the delicious view. It was practically begging to be touched, to be pleasured, for it was so erect and twitching in agony.

The lifeguard inched closer to you, hooking one of your legs around his waist, the other bent as it rested on the counter. He pumped himself a few times, hissing when his hand came in contact with the sensitive tip — red, leaking with with precum. Youngho positioned himself in front of your entrance before he inserted his aching dick inside, a grunt leaving his mouth from the agonizing sensation as he filled you to the brim.

You moaned in response, throwing your head back, and your nails dug deeper into his shoulders that you now grasped tightly. “Y-Youngho…” you called out, voice trembling.

A mewl left your mouth as Youngho thrusted in and out; the sensation of his cock filling your tight pussy was euphoric. Youngho felt the same for he continued on, picking up speed as he slammed into you, “S-shit, Y/N. You feel so good,” was all that he could manage to blur out as he spread your legs wider, gaining more access to where he needed you so bad. He lowered his mouth to your neck, sucking all sorts of marks on your skin that was his canvas, now coated with a sheen of sweat.

You soon felt yourself reaching the edge: your body quivering, mind whirling, and your breaths becoming shallow. “I’m s-so close,” you panted, overwhelmed by each and every sensation of his body against your own.

Youngho, too, was becoming closer by the minute, and continued to sustain the profound movements, rapaciously marking your neck as he grunted against it. He picked up speed as he fervently thrusted faster into you, preparing to reach his state of jubilation. The heat in the room seemed to rise, sweat now dripping from his temples and down his neck, “F-fuck, Y/N. I’m gonna-” his sentence was cut short as he felt your aching pussy desperately clench around his sensitive cock.

A cry so loud emitted from your mouth as you felt yourself come undone within a couple more seconds. It happened so quickly, your mind was barely able to catch up because the fervid delirium had taken over. Your eyes clamped shut, body tensing as you were sent over the moon as you spilled your need onto Youngho. The lifeguard gave one more strong thrust before he pulled out, splashing his load onto your stomach. Warmth met your skin in the form of his opaque whiteness, and you felt it splatter on your skin in spurts.

He dropped your leg, leaving it hanging off the counter as he collapsed back into a chair, his chest heaving from the intensity he had just endured. You leaned back, letting your dampened back hit the cool glass. Your eyes lazily opened, your breaths still dense as you attempted to refill them with air. Youngho watched you with an exhausted look and tired eyes, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

           Youngho eventually caught his breath, pausing before he spoke. “That felt incredible,” he said slowly, completely drained from the sensation. He chuckled, slowly rising from his seat for you.

He lifeguard made his way over to your tired body, pulling you into a quick kiss before he helped you down from the counter. His hands rummaged through the cabinet in an attempt to find a clean towel, a curse slipping from his lips as he made a note to yell at Sehun to stop leaving week old towels inside. Somehow he managed to located a worn, but unsoiled rag. You caught the fabric that he tossed it to you, proceeding to wipe away the stickiness that rested on your abdomen. When you finished you passed it to him so he could too clean himself.

You found your shorts and panties under the counter, quickly pulling them up as you attempted to dress back up. Youngho tossed you your bralette and shirt as he zipped up his own pants, followed by throwing on his shirt. After the two of you finished dressing, you made your way out of the tower, the chilling ocean breeze hitting your still warm skin.

“You think the others will notice?” Youngho pondered, breaking the silence.

You looked up at him, giving him a small shrug. Your fingers intertwined with his as you both made your way down the stairs and onto the soft sand, “Let’s hope not.” was what you responded. Although the experience had truly been amazing, you would become far too embarrassed to enjoy its memories if any were to were to know about it.

The two of you strolled back to the crowd, now seated in a circle around the incandescent fire. Sehun and Taeyong sat next to each other in flimsy lawn chairs, while Hansol and Yuta were spread out across an array of colorful beach towels. As best as you could under such peculiar circumstances, the two of you attempted to be discreet seating yourselves on an empty blanket. You laid down, resting your head onto Youngho’s lap, who began to fiddle with a strand of your hair.

Sehun, who had seen the two of you enter, beamed brightly, “Did the two of you have fun?” questioned in clear amusement. Following his voice, a handful of snickers were heard, causing your face to heat up in sheer embarrassment.

“Did you give her mouth to mouth, Youngho?” Yuta howled. Next to him Hansol joined in, laughing.

You buried your face in your hands, whispering to Youngho. “Make them stop.”

Youngho tittered in response to your shyness, patting your head. “All I’ll say was it was more eventful than saving Y/N.” His lips forming into a smirk, earning a smack on his leg from you.

A collection of ‘ohs’ rang out from the crowd, others laughing and some just shaking their heads from Youngho’s smugness.

Though, the lifeguard was not wrong. Perhaps, you should almost drown more often. 

[bookofmirth]

luv being elitist with you

What this all boils down to is people don't like being told that their analysis isn't very good, and it's objective fact that some analysis is better than others. Some analysis is more sound, has more support, is more rigorous. Some of us are better prepared to make that judgement. idc if that sounds elitist, I'm not about to sit here and pretend that my education means nothing lol.

The fandom is caught up in trying to use the text as a way to make accurate predictions about the future of the series rather than discuss the text's current meaning.

This is why I keep trying to emphasize the difference between meta, and theory. Meta is the fandom version of literary analysis. It deals with what we have now. Theory is.... just a fandom thing. I've said things about what I think is going to happen, but always with the caveat of IDFK!!! I like dealing with what we have, when it comes to analysis. Theory, to me, is often a messy bitch compared to the already difficult practice of analysis.

A lot of my posts in this fandom have been engaged in writing about the meaning of the text, rather than the future of the series, because a. that's what interests me more - what meaning do we have right now, currently, available to us? and b. the future of the series is a somewhat indefensible position when one is using the tools of close reading to make that position, because you can't make a textually based argument about a text that literally doesn't exist yet.

Remember when I mentioned this and an anon was like lol didn't you did emeriel headcanons

First off no, learn how to use the search function bestie.

Second, learn the difference between meta and theory. Learn that when someone uses particular words, they have meaning. When people keep throwing around "foreshadowing", we're going to call you out when you use it incorrectly. If you try to talk about a color having specific meaning, we're going to test your hypothesis and tell you when it's weak. I will do that to people who ship the same things I do, and people who ship things I dislike.

I recognize that fandom, like Lucia said, is a messy space where sometimes, people who are aware of critical theory and know how to use it mix with people who just want to talk about who is going to bang. Sometimes those are the same people. This is why I don't jump on other posts just to prove people wrong all the time. Could I? Yes. Am I aware that people are trying to have fun? Yes. If people bring something to my inbox, I'm going to comment!

people are constantly engaged in a process of trying to prove something that cannot be proven and also being upset and defensive when someone else does not agree

You will never go into a classroom and have a professor ask you to write a 5k word paper on who is going to end up in a relationship at the end of a book and why, before having you read the actual book. It doesn't happen. It's like asking you to go conduct an experiment in a lab with a blindfold on. Why the fuck would you be asked to make specific claims without evidence to support them? We might have good reasons to identify trends, obviously someone is going to be right about some of the things that will happen in the next books, but that's not the reason that these tools of analysis exist.

"This is a crack theory!" "Hm it doesn't make sense" "I'm just trying to HaVe FuN"

idek if I have a point anymore. This fandom has just taken a super weird turn where they do things like try to write a long, color-coded theory saying, "this is a crack idea, warning!" and then get pissed off if someone points out the idea's flaws. Or where literally everything has to be about who is going to bang who, rather than trying to just understand the characters. It's exhausting, but I also love doing this for fun. I've been pushed to make predictions more than I would usually feel comfortable doing so, because of what Lucia said about it being impossible to make claims about what doesn't even exist (hence my comment about foreshadowing, which must be identified with content that already exists).

The culture of the fandom annoys me more than anything else. People are so concerned with being right all the time, with adhering to canon that they don't even accurately remember. And the thing is that being right = canon, to these people. But the only thing - literally the only thing - that we can be sure about is what has already been published. We can play with headcanons and say "what if", but I can tell that people aren't actually playing around with ideas because they get butthurt when someone says "uhhhh, no?"

What's anti-intellectual is assuming anyone who doesn't say otherwise doesn't have a degree and assuming that degree = smart, which is very classist, not to mention very narrow-minded and eliteist. People who are also highly educated bring up your degree because you keep using it as a way to claim you're right and that your way is the only way, when this isn't true at all. All it takes is going to different professors' classes to realize there is no "right" way to analyze things. Also, if things are literally spelled out in text, there's no "two interpretations", there's a yes and a no. There literally are rights and wrongs sometimes, and just because you choose to ignore explicit canon doesn't make you right. Stop trying to claim people are anti-intellectual just because they don't agree with you/analyze things in a way you don't like lmao. It's incredibly telling that you assume people who don't agree with you aren't intellectuals/don't have degrees themselves, and that you are better at reading than people without degrees. Yikes, yikes, yikes.

Oh boy, okay, so I'm going to take this one bit at a time.

Anti-intellectualism isn't just some random phrase that I just made up. It doesn't mean what you just described it as. I didn't decide "hm, let's smush together 'intellectual' and 'anti' because I feel like it."

Anti-intellectualism is a whole phenomenon wherein people distrust authority or expertise or higher education. It is widely observable, currently very real problem considering issues like the pandemic and climate change. Here is a good description of anti-intellectualism:

Anti-intellectualism is "where people distrust and dislike experts and intellectuals because of a view that 'the plain sense of the common man….is an altogether adequate substitute for, if not actually much superior to, formal knowledge and expertise'" (Here is my source)

When I mentioned climate change deniers? Distrust in media? Not trusting scientists in general? Where do you think those examples came from, my asshole??? No, they were relevant to the discussion, to anti-intellectualism. I'm so curious what you think I was talking about, though 🤣

Here is another quote from that same source that explains another comment I made, about people not actually being anti-intellectual, but using its tenets because it's convenient for them to do so:

People tend to be persuaded by speakers they see as knowledgeable (that is, experts), but only when they perceive the existence of common interests. Some groups of citizens, such as ideological conservatives, populists, religious fundamentalists and the like, may see experts as threatening to their social identities.

I included the emphasis, because it proves what I was saying before, about it being an excuse to disagree with people because you just... don't want to agree with them.

So on to your next point!

What you are describing is something I have never done. I do not assume that people don't have education, or don't know things. In fact, that's why I didn't bother defining or describing "anti-intellectualism" before. I figure that my audience is either 1) smart enough to know what that means, or 2) smart enough to look it up if they don't. You'll notice that I rarely explain concepts like that, because I assume one of those two conditions to be true. That's the opposite of what you are accusing me of.

you keep using it as a way to claim you're right and that your way is the only way, when this isn't true at all.

Please point me to a place where I have done this. Ever. Literally, take a ss and show it to me. I have 14.8k posts as of me writing this response. Go for it. Search. I'll wait.

Actually I won't wait, here is what I said in the post you are responding to:

That doesn’t make those people more right[...] But it does give those people credibility.

Like, the fact that you just blatantly accused me of saying the opposite of what I literally just fucking said is so hilarious.

Next point - Are you just so far up your own bias that you can't even see when I'm saying something you agree with?

there is no "right" way to analyze things. Also, if things are literally spelled out in text, there's no "two interpretations", there's a yes and a no. There literally are rights and wrongs sometimes, and just because you choose to ignore explicit canon doesn't make you right

Here is what I said:

literature is open to interpretation and there are multiple factors that make different interpretations more or less likely to be accurate

So... yeah! There are canon facts that are indisputable. There are also things that are open to interpretation. Welcome to books!

You me

🤝

books having both fact and interpretation

you assume [...] you are better at reading than people without degrees

A doctor is better at understanding the human body. A plumber is better at understanding your pipes. A car mechanic knows how cars work better than I, an unlicensed bisexual. And I know how to read and analyze texts better than people who haven't gone through the years of training that I have. Someone who has more experience in analyzing texts than I do? They are better at it than I am! That's how it works. Sorry that's a fact. Feel free to block me if it makes you mad.

When I - or other people on this website - bring up our educations, it's to show expertise or credibility. Not to say we are right. The fact that you can't differentiate between someone saying "here is why I am credible" and someone saying "here is why I am right" is definitely a you problem. I can't help you if you don't understand the difference between those statements.

Ask yourself, anon (and the people inevitably stalking my blog 😘) if your bestie had a degree in literature, would you tell them to keep that quiet? In a book fandom? Are you going to trust your dentist to repair your tv? Or are you going to someone who knows what they're talking about?

The irony here is that anti-intellectualism does exactly what you did in your ask. Calling me elitist because I have an education that I worked my ass off for? As a way to be dismissive of my arguments? Saying that I use it as a way to say I'm right, when that is 1) untrue, and 2) when the irony is that no one is ever "right" when it comes to analyzing literature? Congrats! You're anti-intellectual. I hope you got the COVID vaccine anyway.

[yugihell]

Rowan Reads YGO Volume 1

In which I (fairly pointlessly I know) liveblog my reading of Volume One of the manga and talk about the things I found interesting. As you can guess by the fact I’ve put it under a cut, there were... quite a few bits. But you get pictures too, so it’s not all bad.

Next -->

Note: Using English names (except for Ryou when he turns up), and Atem for ‘Yami Yugi’ cus if I’m going to reconcile this as the same character I’ll have to start as I mean to go on.

----

Duel 1 - You Could’ve Just Played Basketball:

Who the fuck plays Pop-Up Pirate on their own?

AU fic where Yugi goes and plays basketball, makes friends that way, and never meets Atem.

But seriously, it’s not like he’s shunned by his classmates. He chooses to stay inside on his own rather than play ball with them, which I think is important.

Is it just me who wants to work the “we’ll let the girls play too” and “only a girl would care about a box” kind of lines for trans Yugi headcanons. No, just me? Fine.

So Yugi’s actually saying the thought boxes out loud. Does he do this a lot?

Téa being a badass and pervy-definitely-not-Fluffy-Bunny-Yugi™. 👌

Ok, so A) Yugi’s watched Dragon Ball, of course he has. B) He just assumes you get a wish? The wish isn’t canon?? I have been lied too???

Joey’s really caught up on this whole Yugi = Girl thing huh. I spy with my little eye, something beginning with niche-in-which-to-place-repressed-sexuality-Joey-with-a-crush. I can tick Wishshipping off my ‘How To Ship Every Character With Every Other Character’ list.

Why is Yugi so cavalier over his Grandpa’s future death? I can only assume that Yugi’s too immature to fully grasp this stuff (including what Atem’s doing and that’s why he doesn’t freak out more).

Gramps, I like you. So I’m gonna ignore this bit of your characterisation that has you perving on teenage girls.

Yeah, gaining powers and knowledge of darkness is in no way a wish, what is wrong with this boy.

But Gramps wanting to hawk the puzzle for cash is killing me. (So he didn’t discover the puzzle? Or is this retconned later?)

Yugi has some sort of bullying-based Stockholm Syndrome and I am uncomfort with alla this.

Joey: “Why are you doing this? If you stayed quiet like always…If you didn’t resist…You wouldn’t get hurt.” - there are worlds in that line. So Yugi doesn’t do this - he’s no defender of the meek, just meek. This implies something about Joey’s ‘code’ of bullying Yugi, and in addition actually runs counter to the whole ‘don’t be a girl’ (implying ‘fight back’) thing. Then put in a healthy dose of abusive homelife projection and I’ll just be in the corner sobbing.

Drowned-Rat Joey is not helping my condition. And he talked about this shit to Grandpa to try and keep Yugi safe. My heart.

Gramps. I love you for giving Yugi the money, I do. But GO TO THE POLICE. No wonder they settle everything with card games. AU where all the fucked up stuff inspires Téa to be lawyer by day and star dancer by night.

Grandpa if you know all this about the puzzle, why are you not more concerned?

I actually said “Uh oh” when I saw Atem.

Can Atem magically counterfeit money? Because that’s a useful skill.

You know how we’re never sure how fucked up Ryou is? That’s the feeling everyone has towards Yugi in-universe.

Atem holding out the knife to Ushio by the handle, cus safety first.

Springing like a gazelle there. No one would’ve guessed you’d been trapped in a puzzle for millennia.

Is there an argument to be made that Atem becomes more and more separate from Yugi as the series progresses because he’s feeding off Yugi. Not necessarily in a bad way. Like at the moment we’re in “less than the meanest ghost” and mostly magic phase - that perhaps this is closer to Marik’s experience, shadow magic emphasising certain traits and separating it from the host (though Atem is still an entity in his own right, mixed up in that). idk food for thought.

Presumably Ushio doesn’t get better. Hey angst fic: Atem going ‘round and finding everyone he fucked up and trying to fix it or make amends. Finding flowers on gravestones.

Yugi you just completed the puzzle and you’re chucking it in the air. My guy.

Joey’s riddle isn’t the same as the puzzle box’s even though I’ve seen those two conflated a lot. The puzzle has the hint of “something you see but have never seen before” - which I’m guessing refers to the eye. But am I supposed to buy that the ancient Egyptians never saw their own reflection, cus I’m calling bull. And the eye isn’t even part of the puzzle, it’s all on one piece - so how is it a hint? Eh.

Bless my little emotionally repressed chicken nugget running away and leaving his shoe behind.

---- Duel 2 Big (Pixel) Art-Attack:

Aw, look at the little bun-bun so happy about getting the chance to watch hardcore pornography.

“Maybe someone famous goes to our school.” … Good point. Kaiba, where are you?

Joey assuming ‘the star’ is male. This boy has a lot of ingrained sexism and unless manga-verse is way different, I don’t see that turning around much here.

Seriously, Yugi only counted one new friend. Where is StaTristically-average-tan?

*DBZTAS Nappa voice* Hey Fujita…

Yugi of course buys that it’s a girl straight off the bat. Mostly because he’s coping with full raging teenage hormones in a body that’s not even 5ft tall. Atem must’ve spent a lot of nights (/mornings/weekends/evenings) locked in his Soul Room with his fingers in his ears while trying to come up with new Duel Monsters strategies. It’s probably why he’s so good at it.

Joey’s willingness to kick people’s ass is great. And I know we all like the idea of completely non-violent little Yugi, but he didn’t say a word to stop Joey going for the guy.

Yugi’s little clenched fists when he’s kneeling beside Joey - cus it is still him at that point. You see what I mean when I say the ‘Atem’ we see here feels like both extension of Yugi as much as separate entity.

Also the fact that the idea of this Penalty Game clearly comes from porn that Atem hasn’t been exposed to yet. Unless Yugi got right on that after solving the puzzle, which I suppose is possible. I usually just have a bottle of good quality ginger beer or something to celebrate my accomplishments, but to each their own.

I really want to see a good live action yugioh thing where Yugi and Atem are played by the same actor. Maybe using twins to freak out the audience by suddenly having a scene with both of them in.

Now the Astragali thing is cool, but can someone chart out for me what things Atem remembers about Ancient Egypt and what things he doesn’t.

I can see why Kaiba and Atem work so well together. They’re both cheating bastards at heart.

Bonus - Future King Of Games:

---- Duel 3 - Attention Duelists My Son Is Assaulting Your Ears (And This Random Kid):

Is Karaoke guy Attention Duelist’s son? Cus he really looks like it.

Joey friendshipping aggressively:

Someone blow up that tiny frame of Téa punching a perving Joey in the face for me so I can hang it on my wall.

Yugi, it’s getting people to go and see a guy sing badly, not to get dismembered. No-one liked selling school raffle tickets to dupes either, just buck up and deal. Maybe he’s got better - he’s practicing at least.

…Eh, but I’dve probably taken Hanasaki’s tickets too. I’m with Yugi’s reasoning here.

Yugi brought bells. Huh.

Ok so what’s the ship name for Yugi x Hanasaki. Come on now, I know it’s out there. Misplacedguiltshipping perhaps.

“I- Is this really Yugi…?! It’s like he’s possessed…” DING DING DING AND THE WINNER IS SOZOJI! Come on down and claim your prize (which I’m guessing is some kind of Penalty Game to the face).

Aw, my mother used to make me play The Silence Game all the time.

This expression:

“By a strange coincidence” read: Atem planned this Shadow Game out ahead of time. By putting in these weird dancing clowns. So if anyone was going to imply that it only got this extreme because Hanasaki got beaten up - your argument is invalid.

Um, nice of you to help carry Hanasaki away, very cute, but uh can we go back to the whole Shadow-Magic-Tinnitus, cus there was a line of rationality we crossed.

---- Duel 4Kids Averted:

Joey: “What? Are you scared? You have no guts!” Yugi: “But he has a gun! A gun!” Due to the lack of Tristan, Yugi here is forced to take over the role of ‘Only Reasonable Man’.

Joey canonically watches shitty journalist/detective movies and I love it.

Téa backing away with her frozen ‘welcome’ smile still on her face!

Obviously Joey can’t keep a secret, no surprises there, but little things like the translation still giving him a bit of an accent with the “awright” is interesting. Not just dub then.

The anime would’ve been better if we’d got to see Téa writing “TELL AND YOU DIE!!” on some burgers.

Joey being immediately supportive of Téa though and promising to keep his trap shut - even as Yugi expects him to say something rude. That’s cute as hell. And Téa paying for the ruined burgers.

The gunman’s threats and Joey not being able to keep his head down. This section’s full of neat bits for him.

Now this is interesting. This is the first time we see Yugi switch out of panic rather than anger. This is the first time Atem hasn’t been able to premeditate his reaction as well - he had time to plan all the previous encounters. Perhaps this is why it ends in the guy’s death.

I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think Yugi’s aware of what’s going on at all. New hypothesis: The reason he’s not more fucked up over setting a man on fire is because he doesn’t know ‘he’ did it - Joey seems to think it was the guy being an idiot, so why wouldn’t Yugi also think it was an accident. He clearly doesn’t see Ushio after, we never see him give the Director another thought, and don’t get to see any reaction after Sozoji either.

And Téa falling victim to the ‘Who was that masked man’ trope. *sigh*

---- Duel 5 - Troubles With Trelawney Kokurano:

Joey and his fighting expertise rears its head with no rebuke from Yugi.

Anzu: “You’ve seen the girls disappearing off at recess, right? They go to get their fortunes told. Anyway… I’m not into that stuff, but…” Joey: *glittering eyes* “I gotta get my fortune told! Right on!” Then being desperate to maintain his image cus it’s not cool for a guy to get his fortune told and passing the buck onto Téa. There’s some solid Joey and ‘girl’ meta in this stuff, huh?

(I see you meeting a tall handsome stranger. There’s a… blimp? A dog costume?? A blimp again??? *shakes crystal ball* hang on it does this sometimes)

Yugi getting pissed off at this unworthy sweaty goblin pawing Téa.

Téa swooning about the idea of Atem. Am I the only one who remembers him SETTING A MAN ON FIRE.

Joey getting grumbly over his tiny “You’re having bad luck” fortune. Aw, bad luck Joey. *ducks Joey’s punch*

Yugi getting straight to the point and calling the fortune teller a fraud to their face, albeit in a cute and evasive way.

Not entirely sure how Atem managed to avoid the bookshelves, but hey, this is the gazelle we’re talking about.

How did Kokurano get a bottle of chloroform? Which is actually labelled chloroform? Are there top chloroform brands?

“As long as I have my powers, any woman is mine!” - I mean you did just drug her, which isn’t very mystical powers/sunglasses emoji of you. Is he actually a bit unbalanced? Eh, regardless, he just chloroformed a girl so there’s no sympathy from me.

So this whole ‘paper pulling’ game is where Atem got his very extra card drawing style from.

Atem nearly losing and his cute “well this is a bit of a pickle” expression.

Can I be annoyed that there is no actually comeuppance for this one. Besides haha people find out he’s a fraud maybe. Cus while this is still morally grey and ultimately a reasonable end, Atem is not about the reasonable endings - see Sozoji the karaoke guy. He drugged Anzu for what we will euphemistically call ‘nefarious’ means. Why can’t he be programmed to have a 5 second delay to the rest of the world? Or everything is a bit laggy - permanently. This isn’t the one where I wanted you to develop a sense of reasonable punishment damn it.

----

Duel 6 - welp. i’m going to grillby’s:

Joey. I love you man. But shut up. -high fives the girl who told him to ‘drop dead’-

The fuck? You’re making a life sized Pop-Up Pirate for a carnival? Yugi. Boy. Go outside.

And we learn that Joey can build stuff. If he’s been making garage kits and plastic models for ages, is his room a secret nerd zone? Model planes and painted Duel Monsters figures everywhere.

Inogashira turning up and yelling at them to get out of their spot. Yugi doing his little shrinking down thing, while Téa storms right up in his face like ‘hell no’.

“Heh heh heh! There’s always some moron who starts a fight at these things! *And I wouldn’t miss it for the world!*” If I’ve read a more Joey line in this thing…

*Joey gets foot stuck and ends up being punched in the face* Yeah, that’s very him too.

Yugi earns 10 points to Gryffindor for courage, but loses 5 for stupidity. ~I fought the grill and the grill won~

Yugi now shown to switch when: angry, panicked, and when friend is crying.

(And did Atem just jump from the window? If they’re on the ground, couldn’t Tea just look out the window for him? If my injured friend suddenly vanished and there was an open window, I wouldn’t just be standing there).

WHERE DID YOU GET A TEST TUBE OF EXPLOSIVES ATEM?

HOW HAVE YOU HAD TIME TO FREEZE IT IN PUCK-SHAPED ICE?

Atem yet again gets in over his head in a game of his own making. And resorts to cheating - because yes Atem, that very much was cheating.

Atem exploded the guy - Yugi poured his energy into rebuilding the fair. Really confirming to me the idea that Yugi doesn’t know what Atem’s up too.

----

Duel 7 - Maybe He’s Born With It Maybe It’s An Ancient Spirit:

Now that’s interesting, Yugi not really liking Tristan, and Tristan thinking that Yugi’s got a grudge against him.

Joey: “Y’know, your store sells all kind of weird stuff, right?” Yugi: “Um… our store sells games…” Right, what weird stuff are they selling? Are the games like Snakes And Ladders sort of games, or Jumanji sort of games. I don’t trust Grandpa.

Grandpa: “I haven’t told Yugi the story, but this was how I got his grandmother.” Gramps you’re making that sound less ‘I romantically confessed my feelings on a blank puzzle’ and more ‘I traced around my dong and gave her a time and date’.

Tristan deciding he’s not a romantic after all and will force the tiny hormonal soda can to write his love letter. Great. “My beloved Ribbon, you look perfect in your yellow ribbon. I love you more than anything in the universe. From Hiroto Honda” You stayed up all night writing that? Kaiba could’ve written better and his emotional understanding is somewhere between a kumquat and a block of concrete.

Is Ms Chono related to Mai?

She needs more self-esteem. Also a chill pill. Maybe another hobby. Don’t need to go all Snape-y on your students.

“Underage dating is strictly prohibited” What the hell? You ok, Japan?

Again Tristan, you don't need to do a dramatic internal ‘goodbye cruel world’ you’re not about to be murdered.

Atem’s back to not murdering, ok. That was actually extremely tame of you. She wasn’t even covered in tentacles or anything.

FINALLY confirmation that Yugi isn’t ‘present’ for any of this stuff.

----

So. Volume 1 done. I’ve got to admit I found that way more readable than I expected (given my usual difficulties reading manga). Knowing the characters and their voices really helped a lot. Little things like finding out ‘the wish’ wasn’t real, and that Yugi isn’t present for these early switches is fascinating.

Next -->

[analyze-1dsongs]

If I Could Fly

Are ya’ll ready to start crying Real Tears™ with me??? Because I’m already crying. Let’s go.

Again, he is used as the speaker / one telling the story while this person / they is the general you that the speaker is referring to. 

If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you I think I might give up everything, just ask me to He is not with his loved one, he is far away. But if he could fly, he’d be come home to his love. So pure.

Not only that, but he’d “give up everything” meaning he’d give up his career and anything else with a word from his love. JESUS MORE TEARS. This is the purest, beautiful love song. These are the facts! All of this is pretty self-explanatory. Total devotion. Pay attention, I hope that you listen cause I let my guard down Right now I'm completely defenseless This highlights the chorus. It also suggests that he is not always vulnerable or this vulnerable with the person he loves. He is laying himself bare to let this person see what’s going on inside him. He has no defenses up, he is proclaiming how true his love is. Don’t mind me, I’m just sobbing. For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely and forget who you are I'm missing half of me when we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only For your eyes only Only this person knows his heart aaannd my heart hurts.  The next line implies that the two are apart often with the “lonely.” The “forget who you are” ties into “I’m missing half of me when we’re apart.” Basically, they are two halves of one whole and when they aren’t together, a part of them is lost.  OK BUT WHY ARE HARRY’S SONGS ALWAYS ABOUT HELPING SOMEONE WHO IS LOST????  The “now you know me” is an interesting add, because if someone is half of him, wouldn’t they already know him? Or is it he has expressed how much this person is a part of him? The “for your eyes only” is just painful obviously telling that this person is the only one who gets to see him like this, see this side of him. 

This is such a strong declaration of love I am urged to liken it to a marriage proposal. He is showing this person all of him in a vulnerable position, that is, laying down forever and eternity down at their feet. “I’m missing half of me when we’re apart” is just the icing on the (wedding) cake. Yet, there is something bittersweet about this since he says “for your eyes only” if we continue with the marriage proposal hypothesis. It’s almost as if this marriage proposal is hush-hush, so no one will really know how it happened, and it could be extended to no one will know. (Secret engagement?) But, that is simply from the ambiguity of the “for your eyes only” which could be interpreted many different ways.

Basically the chorus is saying “I want to spend forever with you. Now you know how much I love you.” Wow.  

I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing Comparing these lines to the first ones, it can be argued this is a reply to the first verse. Knowing Harry it’s possible. With the “I’ll be coming home” and then “now you’re here” it is very possible. 

However, it does carry the same sentiment as the first verse, so it may not be a reply at all. 

Nonetheless, I’m going to continue with the response theory. This person has “scars” and because “they can’t always be seen” they are internal scars. Internally struggling with something, so emotional pain. The “pain” goes away when these two are together, which corresponds to the “when your lonely” part in the chorus. It’s easy to forget their troubles when these two are together. The love is too pure. Repeat of the refrain and chorus, and to the bridge!

I can feel your heart inside of mine (I feel it, I feel it) I've been going out of my mind (I feel it, I feel it) Know that I'm just wasting time And I Hope that you don't run from me

After this verse, the marriage proposal hypothesis keeps seeming more true. So he feels his love’s “heart inside of [his]” which has already been established since he’s “missing half of [him].” That fact he’s been “going out of [his] mind” because he knows he’s “wasting time” shows how much he loves this person and wants to spend the rest of his life with him. This is just highlights the next line “hope that you don’t run from me” because he wants forever, and he hopes his love will want that, too. 

I’m not even going to mention who sings this part that’s for you to remember/listen again because that’s a whole other can of worms but holy fuck those are some sweet worms that make me want to cry harder. Basically, this is the greatest love song of all time and we have been ROBBED of not hearing it sung live with Real 1D Tears™ being shed. Let’s not forget that each of the boys sing a line of this part: For your eyes only, I show you my heart For when you're lonely And forget who you are I'm missing half of me

When we're apart Now you know me, for your eyes only

I’m not crying, you’re crying. But that’s it for this one. The chorus repeats to let us know that their love is forever and then The Worst™ happens when Harry sings the last line, ultimately claiming this song as his own:

For your eyes only

Are you crying? Because I’m literally sobbing as I type this. Jesus. I need a break. 

[geekns]

the Master’s motivations

insp

TL;DR I don’t actually buy into the Master being absolute evil. I like the redemption arc. My theory is that the Master crafted an impressive persona for himself but that it’s all about getting the Doctor back. And Missy just needs a hug at this point.

You guys, i don’t know if i have ever read anyone discuss this, at least not to the full extent of my thoughts on how important this is. Missy, after all the nonsense of Sound of the Drums/Last of the Time Lords and the End of Time, chose to become mother to the entire undead Human race (again).  Why?

From what i have read and understand about classic Who, in the past the Master had always sought to rule the galaxy no matter what the odds. That's it, no discernible motivation or reasoning behind it was explained. What i have observed as i systematically watched through the Pertwee/Delgado era is that the Master never laid a trap that was truly devious enough to achieve this aim. He was always conveniently discovered by the Doctor and sometimes even worked together with him to overturn the Master's own nefarious plan. In fact, i don't think the Master ever wanted to actually cause a genocide (which isn't to say that he's above casual killing to reach his goals), but that every death he caused along the way served a purpose in his mind. That is, the ultimate purpose, to flirt by laying traps and challenging the Doctor to a duel of wits.

In the beginning, the Mater was kind of like Loki; a troublemaker that takes it too far but makes amends. The only logical motivation i see is a desperate attempt to recreate the outrageous pranks and debates of long-lost school days. I don’t know when the Master became the more menacing figure that people allude to today.Now i am missing a huge chunk of the canon because i haven't gotten to watch all of the Master’s episodes yet, but i have a theory about  the current agenda that Missy has that fits with the Simm-Master agendas.

The second thing that the Master has always been known for is cheating death. I recently watched a video on YouTube theorizing that the Master has regenerated upwards of twenty-five times and stating that it is canon that the first incarnation of the Master that we met was his thirteenth form and he figured out how to stay alive after Delgado-Master died on the merits of his own wits.

The Master has spit Death in the face repeatedly and and walked away laughing. The Time Lords gave him a complete new set of regenerations during the Time War (the YouTube video called this a clone but i since the Time Lords can save the consciousness of a Time Lord and bring them back at will this seems more like a reincarnation with the same memories and consciousness than a start from scratch with the same DNA). The Master's already regenerated repeatedly (during?) since the Time War.

Fast forward to the era of Missy and we see that she has laid a completely new Master plan that depends on negating the power of Death entirely. Clara acts as if Missy is a horrible mass-murder that singled Danny out for death, but on the contrary Missy is clearly very aware of the frailty of Human life (per her conversation with Osgood on the President' plane) and is actively doing everything in her power to circumvent that finality.

The trouble is that Missy is incredibly jealous and vain. She hides it behind a cover of humor, chaos, and insanity. At this point it's apparent that her biggest motivation for killing is to ensure that people continue to think of her as someone who is invincible and not to be understestimated, i.e. NOT GOOD. But she isn't above kililng people whom the Doctor praises above herself, either. The big trick is that anyone she kills is going to get saved to the Nethersphere and won't really die at all.

That's right, Missy spent thousands of years laying low just to save the entire Human race from death. Despite what Clara and Twelve claim, in this scheme everybody lives. Death is not the end. She is trying to ensure the perpetuity of the Human race after her failure as Yana to help the last of the Humans reach Utopia. She obviously hasn't been murdering people willy nilly during this time as Doctor Chang had no idea that she's meant to be an evil overlord... until she killed him in yet another attempt to get the Doctor's attention.

So what is Missy doing this time around? It's just like with the Master at face value. Once again, she is trying to force the Doctor to rule the galaxy with her, together forever. But this time she's doing it by trying to save everyone. Everyone. And she's is not trying to rule the galaxy as equals (as in the past), she willingly surrenders control of the Cybermen to the Doctor.

The next time we meet her, Missy has been laying low, licking her wounds. She is desperate to save the Doctor from death and that is her only real motivation. But at last we get a new piece of information here: Missy had a daughter. Had, in the past tense. The Doctor gave her an expensive gift when the daughter was...what? Born? Inducted to the Academy? We will probably never know, but i think we all know that the poor girl died.

It is my hypothesis that Missy and the Doctor were the parents of that daughter, and i do mean together, as a romantic couple, not as in a loom or officially endorsed by their houses process (if that was a thing). Perhaps this daughter could never be granted the right/ability to regenerate as a result. Maybe Missy was inadvertently responsible for her daughter's death or felt she was to blame even if she really wasn't. I do believe that both parents went insane after losing her. Missy obviously became obsessed with defeating Death. She probably did not care who she killed, hurt, or what collateral damage there was along the way... Not so long as she figured out a way to save her daughter. She probably sacrificed herself to her own experiments and went through regeneration like they were candy.

The Doctor, on the other hand, couldn't bear to watch Missy doing that to herself, completely ignoring the sanctity of freedom and life that he holds so dear. He didn't recognize the friend he had loved growing up anymore and ran. He has been running ever since and always holds people at arms length for as long as possible, thus the cranky/bristly personality on one hand or the carefree, elusive flirt on the other hand.

But of course the Doctor gets too invested time and again. He picks up adoptive daughters right and left and loses them all in turn. The Doctor stares Death in the face, too, but he can't win every battle. Somehow he still clings to his ideals but it is getting to the point where he is doing it for the wrong reasons. He went too far with Clara, he became Missy. He is self-righteous and gotten to the point where he doesn't want to let anyone in. Missy isn't the only person in the relationship who has been wrong.

So to sum up, Delgado's Master came specifically to Earth, the place where the Doctor had been exiled by the Time Lords. He starts picking fights where he knows the Doctor is. In short, he's trying to get the Doctor's attention in any way possible. All of the Master's motivations suddenly become clear, he's trying to get his friend/lover/husband back (take your pick). He's like a child throwing a tantrum in a way, and very persistent.

It's established early on that the Master's biggest fear is for the Doctor to laugh at him. Not as in "ha, that's a great joke" but as in "you are a fool and unworthy of my attention." Which brings us to series 10's Missy, who went from doing anything she could do to survive the hellhole the Doctor left her in on Skaro, to willingly giving up all rights to making her own choices, having freedom, or scheming of any sort. Here we have the Taming of the Shrew at last, and Missy has become a meek thing full of fear. She is deferential and unargumentative (for her) and has gone good in a last ditch attempt to get the Doctor back.

It seems to me that Missy just wants to get the love of her life back no matter what the cost. I would not be surprised if she wants to be a mum again, but that could just be me reading into it too much. She created an army that seems to have adored her in every way, not unlike the Daleks revering Davros. She's tried everything she could to worm her way back into the Doctor's good graces, the man who, when he sees evil, wants to kiss it to death. She's tried flirting. She's tried caring for his pets. She tried making amends for all her fuck ups by placing the Doctor in authority over herself and the entire universe... and failed yet again.

The poor dear is no stranger to failure, solitude, or fear. I think she is every bit as much afraid as the Doctor (if not moreso) and just wants to be loved. If you look at her this season it is clear that she is hiding herself away from the universe in the Vault, hiding in the Tardis, and has given up everything for the Doctor. Everything. She still puts on a show of her former playful self, but she is quite fragile at this point. The question is if he is going to ever get around to forgiving Missy.

[canyouhearthechurchbellsringing]

#48: HOLY HELL I FORGOT BEN HAD A YOUTUBE

03/19/17

Please refer to the title for the opening line. I am a moron. My mind’s been pulled in so many directions I forgot about the YouTube links in entry #24 completely. I don’t even blame Darek for that; it was my own oversight.

Ben has been quite active, shall we say, in my ignorance… what follows is an analysis of every video uploaded to the Ben Fiinix YouTube channel.

First Video: There is a distinct cut during the video in which Ben loses his alcohol and glasses. I suspect Mark may have done something here. Forest imagery is heavily present in all videos and may imply significance to that forest path in Ben’s neighborhood.

Additionally, several numbers are present in the title. Some refer to the filming date (and possibly time?) but there are certainly extra numbers in the string that have no apparent value. If Darek has taught me anything it is that accidents are rare when dealing with the Figments. Those numbers must mean something.

Second video: The numbers in the title recur here. I think the person writing the titles and descriptions is Mark. It makes the most sense. Chameleon and Zanark have a distinct communication style so that rules them out. Mark can control Ben like Darek controls me. Therefore he is most likely responsible for uploading the vlogs.

This entry details some irrelevant things like Ben taking up smoking again. I don’t blame him; he clearly is heavily stressed even over a year ago. He brings up a security app as a method of catching his hacker. It obviously is never brought up again as he can not technically call Mark a typical hacker. There is also an image of Veronika with a hooded figure cut into the entry. Could it be Mark?

Monaco: This is a video of Ben claiming he does not want to bad-mouth me and then proceeding to talk shit. I mean, he isn’t dishonest in a lot of what he says, just subjective. Despite the schism between us I still see the old friend I grew to trust like a brother. I hope one day we can reconcile our differences.

Here is another interesting tidbit about this video. The song that starts playing at the end is called Anna. Did Mark do that for me to see specifically?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PHONE YOU COCKBITES: Here we see Ben’s outraged side in its natural habitat. There is a lot going on in this video that deeply troubles me and I wish I had seen it sooner. It was uploaded on Alice’s birthday. It was precluded by a video shown in between cuts that directly involves Alice. Most of the videos contain messages hidden within them for Ben to find, it seems, but I am also seeing things that clearly involve me. I do not know if Mark is the one leaving those clues, like the song in the last video and the message in this one. At this point in time(late March), it seems Chameleon had influence over Mark and used Ben to fuck with my head. I don’t like it. I’m even more uneasy about the future now.

There’s also a reference made here to Mammoth being victimized by ADDICT. I made some notes back in entry #11 about how I suspected based on Facebook evidence that ADDICT may have long ago completely coinhabited Mammoth’s mind. The two really are indistinguishable personality-wise.

Envelope: This video contains footage of a hooded figure, obviously Mark, placing the envelope for Ben to find. This presumably occurred during the strange camera cut before Ben was panicked running down the street. It reinforces the theory that the hooded figure beside Casey/Veronika was Mark in the second video.

There’s a lot going on with the coded messages in this video. As far as the ¾ code, I will save my in-depth thoughts for a later video. I have a pretty strong lead with evidence gathered and want to pursue it more before commenting on my thoughts. I will however say that the party in the pictures occurred when Casey and I were together, but the pictures show her with Ben specifically. This may strengthen the Mark-Veronika relationship hypothesis.

I also do not think the capitalization code was necessarily deciphered correctly. It could be “Ben, remember what was” or it could be “remember what was, Ben.” Semantics, I know, but there is one more possibility. “Remember what Ben was.” Could Mark be a version of Ben akin to a former self? It is a thought-provoking possibility regarding the general relationship between Figments and hosts.

Rememberance[sic]: Casey’s death really seemed to hurt Ben like it hurt the rest of us. I guess this is what made him hate me so much. He blames me for her death, and I can’t fault him for that. I blame myself as well. Actually I blame Darek, but Ben doesn’t believe in him.

Anyway, most of this is a drunken reminiscence and Ben dancing around the fact that he had feelings for Casey. That’s about as honest as I was concerning Ali in the early entries. While it shows the same social politics, that does not give me any clues about the circumstances surrounding us. One key puzzle piece(pun intended) this video introduced is the blue Mega Blok which has been present in past vlogs. According to Ben’s testimony, it is an object he cannot seem to get rid of. I’ll speak about it more in later video summaries.

A final note for this one: it contains footage from the last video that makes no sense. In the Alice video, it shows Ben saying “she’s really gone”. This was in late March. Casey died on May 14th. Rememberance features a clip of Ben saying this same line in the same context about Casey. How could this footage possibly have existed before he filmed it? The implications here make me scared to consider. This could only be possible if time were being manipulated… right? If that isn’t the answer, it’s something scarier. No rational explanation can justify this. Just how powerful are these entities we have been dealing with?

Forest Video: Third in the series of videos containing numbers in their titles, this video is the first to really heavily represent the previously mentioned forest motif found in the videos. As far as I can discern, Ben was taken here by Mark for some unknown reason. Ben seems to be very confused regarding his general situation in the video. He will bring this up himself in a later video which is blatantly related to events in this video. For now I do not have any special comments I feel need to be added.

Music Video: This one was interesting. It was posted in September but I suspect it took place at an earlier date given the next video. I have done my best to recreate the message in this video for you to read.

"Is there anybody out there? My name is Mark Graves. Is there anybody out there? Hello, my name is Mark. I’m your mind sending out an SOS. Tell the mad Chameleon I’m not afraid of [???a voice without a?] face anymore. I found [??? Likely 'a friend’] on the other side [???] kill Chameleon. [???] words unspoken. Soul of the night, I bring you a message. Listen to me. Two worlds are warring. In your mind's eye you'll see reality falling apart again. [???] Starting over again…”

After this everything becomes slowed down including Castle of Glass, the song Ben was originally playing. A lot of the punctuation in this is theoretical as punctuation is largely inflection which is hard to convey using broken up song lyrics. I’m still toying with a comma or two deciding whether or not I’m getting the correct message. For the most part it is refreshingly blatant.

Mark, Ben’s own version of Darek, is sending the message to reach out to Ben. Because of the assistance of someone on the other side(Zanark) plans are being made to kill Chameleon. A tiny piece of audio is too distorted to make out here, so this is largely speculation on my part as go the specific meaning of the phrase “kill Chameleon” and the previous line. The line about reality falling apart likely refers to the recent events shown in Ben’s last video and how he is clearly still being targeted.

There is nothing to infer apart from what the video itself reveals. This message will also be mentioned by Ben later so any detective work is already taken care of for it. It does show off a unique and previously unused method of communication by Mark that I will have to look out for. Perhaps music plays a bigger part in past videos than I suspected. For example, does this mean Mark played the song Anna in the third video? What about the songs in Rememberance?

Vacation Footage: In September, Ben went to visit Mammoth in California for a week. The video record of it was filmed entirely from Mammoth’s phone. It contained several candid moments which implied the entities were making his phone record. Part of the footage was of a short hiking trip at Lake Tahoe and the majority of it is the two getting drunk for Mammoth’s birthday.

The blue Mega Blok showed up around 2:48 in. It is an easy thing to miss but it proves Ben’s point in Rememberance that he can’t seem to be rid of it. If Mark didn’t subtly place it there off-camera, some random kid left it there and this is a huge coincidence. But as I mentioned in the analysis of the first video, I don’t believe in coincidences when it comes to the Figments.

I’ve mentioned before a connection between Ben and Zanark as well as Chameleon and Mammoth. This theory is evidenced as early as entry #11 and was reinforced in the last video. Proof on Mammoth’s end shines through with a clip of him just laughing insanely. In the same clip is the sound of television static, mimicking a moment in entry #43 inside the black cloud. At this point I believe Chameleon has not lost influence over Mark. However, he seems to be more interested in using ADDICT as his pawn as Mark clearly harbors deep resentment for Chameleon, choosing to ally with Zanark instead. There are some undertones in the second half of the video in which you could tell it was not Ben talking to Mammoth but Mark talking to ADDICT. All the while Zanark and Chameleon’s hold over them paints their motivations. For example, Ben mentioned that his fingerprints were the ones on the envelope, obviously trying to work out that this is because he himself put it together. Mammoth goes so far as to suggest someone stole his fingerprints with silly putty. It was a scare tactic that probably made Chameleon smile. Keep the victim thinking the threat is on the outside. Keep them paranoid and vulnerable from within.

There is some extra possible leads to note in here. The last excerpt of Ben singing the song Shepard of Fire by Avenged Sevenfold may contain pertinent lyrics given how music is obviously a chosen communication method by Mark. Several of the earlier lyrics may contain hints as well if that is the case.

Investigating: At twenty two minutes and nineteen seconds long, there is a lot to garner from this video. It contains a lot to support what I’ve already observed. Ben even flat out suggests on his own that the videos were put up for him to see personally.

He has been silent on social media for half a year at this point. He says this is because the hackers delete his posts so he gave up on even trying at a point. As the video goes on it splices in footage from different recordings. One of those recordings is an early theorizing session that leads to the woods again. It is in this video that Ben brings up the inconsistencies with his statements in the earlier video. It is possible that the forest for him acts as the dark cloud did for me, corroding the neural network and breaking the occupant’s sanity. Another clip contains the 4/4 code on Ben’s literal wall. As well, there is the main video which is Ben’s own analysis of the entities, and a few isolated clips with some interesting occurrences.

The filtered video of the forest recurs here. Is Ben wandering the same forest as I did in entry #43, only his own darker perception of it? He encounters a doppelganger of himself at the end which I can only assume is Mark Graves. In the opening clip, Ben reveals that the blue Mega Blok has been replaced by a red one, and at the end we see exactly how the switch occurred. Mark gave him the red block, and every time it appears in the video, Ben becomes noticeably agitated. Mark says in the woods that Zanark’s protection is running thin. This suggests that the blue block was a sort of talisman provided by Zanark. It’s disappearance also seems to mean that Chameleon has power over Mark again, given the corrupted music and the decline in Ben’s mental health. This brings me to a big theory I’ve been crafting this entire investigation.

I think Chameleon can possess the Figments like Figments possess the host. It makes a lot of sense given the evidence presented. The attacks on all of us seem highly coordinated despite Madrik claiming each Figment has an individual will. If we assume Chameleon can use the Figments to act on his behalf while controlling their host, a lot adds up. In the forest portion of the blog audio clearly shows Mark is no fan of Chameleon’s, just like the music message implied. Mark seems to want to help Ben. So why would he cut Ben off from the outside world completely? He didn’t. He is being forced by a presence beyond the Outer Layer which can move between the Figments at will. It may even account for Darek’s habit of helping me one day and hurting me the next. Chameleon and Zanark might exist on an entirely different level than previously assumed. They are so deep in all of our minds they can appear to be an outside presence. It is almost conclusive based on what I have observed.

Between the code in this video, the envelope video, and my twitter account, I am piecing together a key phrase that may lead to important revelations. As stated previously, I’ll save this for my next update. In Ben’s analysis, he finally admits he is just as crazy as the rest of us. The videos always prominently displayed it, but in person Ben is experienced at keeping his inner madness hidden. Seeing him confess the truth is a pretty big deal to someone who knew him in another life.

He also discusses something interesting which links him to Zanark. The name comes from his past. I actually knew of this character from Richee, who created the RPG and referenced Zane occasionally. I just never put two and two together as the character was always referred to as simply Zane. A potential decoding of one of the envelope codes could be relevant here. “Remember what Ben was”. Zanark just might be a past version of Ben when he was younger and more compassionate, before Mark’s obsession with vengeance overtook that part of him. I’m unsure if this is an accurate theory as it is based partly on speculation, but there is a definite connection between the two.

That concludes the video analysis. I have one more thing to bring up relating to Ali that happened while I was looking into the videos. I had been gearing up to question her regarding Kendra and all I had learned. I fully intended to reveal the truth to her about my renewed investigation. The cat’s out of the bag already, though. She caught me watching Ben’s videos.

It was the video containing Alice’s birthday video. I remember it well because it is the reason things went so poorly. I was researching it after giving it a bit of a wide berth for a while. I wasn’t really in the best frame of mind.

“What are you watching?” She asked. The tone if voice implied it wasn’t a question.

“I’m sorry, but,” I stammered, “I can’t hide from this anymore. This isn’t just about me. It’s happening to our friends too. Don’t you care about them?”

“Of course I do!” She said. “This isn’t something I can’t help them with though. Ben never answers my calls anymore. The last time I talked to Jake he seemed really out of it and he wouldn’t respond with more than one or two words. What do you expect to do?”

“Get to the bottom of this illness.” I said simply, my eyes glued to the computer screen, doing their best to ignore her. There was a sinking in my chest as the conversation progressed. “If I can figure out what is causing this, I can help somehow! I’m so close to a lead…”

“Mat, you always say that. You were saying that when we first had this conversation. You’re never going to find answers. Every answer is another question and you know that. So why are you even bothering to play into Darek’s games?”

“Are you seriously asking me that? Thats a little hypocritical if you ask me.” I laughed bitterly. “This coming from the girl who talked to that psycho? Who fell in love with him and let him tell you what you could tell me?”

She pouted at me. “Don’t make it about that.”

“But that IS all it’s about! You and Darek. Are you even really Ali right now?” I searched desperately for the truth, for the arguments I’d crafted from my entries. “Because if you are, you’re being played. We both are! They’re making these things happen against our will!”

“But it is our will.” Ali said calmly. I could sense a demeanor shift. “They’re extensions of us, and they’re defense mechanisms used to help us survive. Their games are harmless to us, Mat. If anything, you should just trust yourself more to be able to handle whatever comes. This obsession is not beneficial to you.”

“But it isn’t harmless! They can clearly be influenced to perform malicious actions! And what about the doorway, and that dark cloud? You read entry #43 too; I know you did!”

“… they were just dreams, Mat. It wasn’t real.”

Something about that, about the way she said it, struck me like a knife in the back. A white hot flame leapt into my eyes and everything got real fuzzy. I’m pretty sure I broke her precious bong at some point in my unawareness. That sobered me up real quick and I realized I was letting Darek get to me. Something about what she said had set him off on a rampage. Ali teared up and ran from the room without another word.

Sullenly, I set about the task of restoring order to Ali’s room. I think she knew about what I was doing. She was one of the ten early followers to my blog. I don’t doubt she saw me update and just decided not to say anything about it until now. I did my best to quote the exact conversation. Looking back I wonder how much Kendra and Darek had to do with this little argument.

So at least I am mostly free to stop sneaking around now. Ali may not want to talk about the investigation but at least she won’t stop me from making my own choices. I’ll update as soon as I have anything new to share.