#the next month of my life is officially going to be weird as hell

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Personal update: we, uh... put an offer in on a house and it got accepted??? Not sure exactly how to feel but it’s a mix of excited and ‘what the fuck is happening’ so that’s a thing.

[palmtreesx3]

GET OFF - The V-Card

The V-Card

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Summary: (3.7k) Everyone is nervous for their first time, right? Steve and Robin are busy tackling a lot of their firsts - first day in the shop, first week in the city, first friends (or something) in the city. It’s all a little intimidating and both quickly find that old habits die hard - particularly for Steve. It’s going to take more than just a new city to really give these two a new life. Be sure to read the Prologue before reading! 

Warnings: it's a sex shop, guys - so it's generally just NSFW 18+. In this AU Hawkins is weird and cannon events happen to some extent, but not to all familiar characters. If they are present in Chicago for this AU, they have no ties to Hawkins. Absent parents, excessive drinking, poor coping mechanisms, M/F hookups and implied/light smut, mentions of female oral, our boy on his King Steve shit, one night stands, careless hookups, and a coming out. 

Shout out to @loveshotzz for the blatant Whatta Man nod in this chapter. IYKYK. 

Chicago: That Saturday, 1993

The sun was beating in through the front apartment window as Steve sat on the couch with a can of High Life, taking a breather from all of the unpacking. He has been hyper-focused all weekend on getting settled and unpacked - a complete 180° from Robin's settling in approach, which looked more like making sure her sheets were on her bed and simply ignoring the rest of the boxes stacked up inside her doorway than anything else. 

For a split second Steve considered picking up the phone and calling home just to check in, let his parents know they've got their bearings and are all safe in the city, but as that thought settled, he realized how absolutely ridiculous it was. They never cared where he was and what he was doing before, so there's no reason for them to actually start caring now that he's finally gone. Worming it's way deep in his brain another thought occurs to him - if he just would have packed up and left, it probably would have taken them months to even realize it. 

Plus, the second he talks to either one of them he knows they're going to ask about a job, and he's not quite ready for how that conversation might go. Yeah Dad, we're all set, start at the sex shop 10am on Monday!  He shakes his head and laughs to himself at the thought before throwing his head back letting the beer, just starting to warm and lose its crispness, run down his throat. It's tasting a bit bitter now…and Steve can relate. 

Pulling him from his self-deprecating thoughts, Robin swings open the door with the sound of jangling key chains being shaken like maracas, the soundtrack to her grand entrance. 

"Got your keeeeys, Dingus! It's officially official now!" She tosses the key ring over to Steve, who has his eyebrows raised as they land about 5 ft to his left on the other side of the couch. 

"Nice one, Robs. Maybe one day we'll find you some aim."

"Long shot, buddy. Better chance of me confidently shooting my shot with Stevie Nicks than that ever happening. But good on you for thinking I have any potential whatsoever."

"S'wat friends are for, Robbie." He grins at her sideways before leaning over to pick up his new set of keys. "The hell is this?" He asks, dangling the keys up in the air. 

Hopping up and down with incredibly youthful glee, Robin beams at the boy and exclaims "A TAMAGOTCHI. I got one too. Orange for you. Blue for me. Pretty sure even if we could have a pet in this building it wouldn't end well, so I got us these!" 

"This is ridiculous. I can't believe you got us a toy." Robin slips on the couch nestled up close to Steve, pressing the button on both to initiate their hatching as she presses her shoulder into his side. A beat of silence goes by before he throws his arm over her shoulders and says, "Show me how to do it, Robs. Can't wait for mine to outlive yours." He smiles down at her. 

"Eat shit. Whoever kills theirs first buys the other a drink."

The twinkling sound signaling the hatching of each of their eggs echoes through the apartment as they eye up their pets and glare back at one another.

"Oh, it's on. Never been more confident about a deal before in my life."

"Speaking of drinks … " Robin muses. " Whaddya wanna do tonight? "

Steve's not quite sure how long it's going to take for him to get used to the sheer quantity of people here in Chicago. He's pretty sure there's as many people in this club right now than there is in the whole of Hawkins. 

When they arrived, Steve was feeling a lot. It was overwhelming and nothing in Hawkins flashed so bright and shook so loud… except maybe the 4th of July Carnival and their fireworks on the outskirts of town, but that was nothing compared to this. 

One drink in and finding a place to hunker down near the bar at a table, he felt more comfortable. He was enjoying Robin's running commentary while she spent the better part of an hour people-watching, still passively feeling the heat radiating off of the dance floor, when he decided to switch over from the lukewarm beers to a sweet and sharp whiskey and soda. 

Three drinks in and sufficiently loose, Robin is fluttering around the edges of the bar and the dance floor - now making friends with some of the people she's been eying up all night with her inhibitions down as far as Steve has ever seen them. He's drunkenly grinning at his friend, happy to see a kind of social side of her that feels new, even though he knows the roots of it have been buried deep inside her for her whole life, interwoven through her heart and her brain stem, just waiting for permission to come out and untangle itself. 

"Steve! STEVE!" She shouts over the thumping bass of the music, wildly gesturing for him to come over to where she now stands, in the center of a group of people who look friendly enough for him to oblige. 

Four drinks in and now the group is laughing, hollering and leaning in hard to catch an ounce of what the others are saying. Steve's eyes are squinting trying hard to read their new friends lips as they try and converse over shots and the loud music in the dark. Turns out Robin found a whole group of people that live in the same building as they do and, as one does when they're absolutely shit faced, they all immediately began talking about how they're all new best friends, curling arms around one another's necks and slurring "I love you guys" over drinks number five and six. 

Steve is feeling a familiar twinge. It's not his fault that he has no idea that there are ways to make friends other than people pleasing or trauma bonding. Now relishing in the ease of finding city-friends over an open drink and the immediacy of acceptance that comes with puffing out his peacock feathers and playing the delicate social hierarchy game he mastered in his teens, he barely even notices that he's dusting off his King Steve party tricks. The stress of the last few years that have him wound up tighter than a watch melt away as the coy and flirty remarks start flowing like a waterfall and the locker room talk comes back like riding a bike. 

Six drinks down the hatch and Robin can't find Steve. Any other time, and Robin would be absolutely losing all the marbles in her basket worrying over Steve. Especially in this new city. She'd assume he was dead. That someone finally came to whisk him away and lock him up for all the things that he's not supposed to know. Sure, Steve can handle things. He's definitely the most capable person she knows and he quite literally raised himself, and saved himself more than once, but none of that even matters right now because she's just swaying to the beat of Janet Jackson pumping through the club speakers with her new soulmates who live on the top floor. 

Instead Steve is at the bar, queuing up drink number seven for him and drink number who-knows-what for the absolutely smoking girl at his side named Melissa, who apparently lives just up the staircase, too. She's reminded him three times so far that he can just call her Missy, but not without leaning in close, just next to his ear to make sure he hears just how sweet she sounds. And boy does he want to know more about how sweet she sounds. 

Steve's eager hands are hooked in her belt loops, the girl's bright red tube top riding up her stomach as she pushes herself into him. Her fingers are tangling through his sweaty hair and his are ghosting over her collarbone and down her arm. His lips are on hers before drink seven is even delivered, so he caps off his night with her tongue down his throat instead. 

He has no clue what time it is as they tumble through the apartment door, Melissa Missy still giggling at his orange Tamagotchi keychain as his lips chase hers once again and the door slams shut. Perfect. Robin's not home, he thinks. Completely forgetting he was there at the club with her in the first place, he tugs at the girls long blond hair at the roots, runs his hands over her glistening and glittered shoulders and shoves her down into his plush comforter the second they reach his bedroom. 

He's so caught up in this big-city hottie he managed to get into his bed on his first weekend in town, he doesn't hear Robin come in the door, nor does he notice her clanging around the kitchen to chug down a few huge glasses of water in hopes of being at least a little conscious tomorrow morning. Robin, however, does notice Steve clanging around the bedroom, especially after she hears a deep and throaty moan that is unmistakably female. 

"Ha. Fuck yeah, Stevie. Losing that Windy City V-Card." She says quietly while wobbling to her room. Meanwhile, Steve's got his head buried deep under the sheets, blindly grasping at the girl's perky tits while he lavishes at the thought of this being the kind of opportunities that present themselves here in Chicago. His first time in this big sprawling city made him feel like he was on top of the world. 

The confident bubble he found himself in all night popped when he later woke to feel the warm summer breeze from the open window tickling his now exposed back, comforter slipping down and exposing his hips along with a peek of his ass to the girl who was accidentally pulling it off as she stood up from the bed. Unabashedly naked, she stretches her arms in a yawn, Steve rolls to peek at the clock. 4:36am. "Where are you off to?" his raspy, sleep laden voice cuts the silence as she finds herself caught gathering her things. "Are you try'n't sneak out on me?" He mumbles with a smile, thinking he's being flirty and cute. 

"That's exactly what I'm doing, hon." She winks, as she snags her cheeky hot pink thong off the back of his desk chair and shoves it in her pocket on the way out the bedroom door. "I'll be quiet on my way out. Don't worry. Maybe I'll see ya around. Maybe I won't. It was fun though. You were a KING with that tongue so I wouldn't be opposed…but it's honestly unlikely." 

And Steve is there, left tangled and alone and feeling stone cold sober after that dose of honesty from Melissa, left wondering if this is how all the girls back in Hawkins felt after he dipped out on them. Having his fun but knowing it wouldn't go any further than that. Getting off under Skull Rock, in the back of his BMW, atop their pink frilly pillows with their parents in the room next door - all hanging on to the hope of just a little more - the potential of being needed and wanted and good enough for the likes of King Steve, but waking up empty and disposable instead. If he didn't already hate himself before, he definitely does now. 

"Sooooo." Robin sings out, while twirling her spoon through her milky cereal. "We gonna talk about that little Bedroom Rodeo last night or what?" 

"Robin. Please. It's too early for this." He presses his palms into his eyes, trying to stave off the pulsing just beyond his sinuses. "and did you just say Bedroom Rodeo? The fuck?"

"Well, yeah. Bedroom Rodeo… ya know. Crushing the buns? Two person pushups? Horizontal Tango? Please tell me with all that racket you at least got off?" 

"Ew Rob, where the fuck are you coming up with these?" He looks at her as she shrugs, slurping the last of her sweet cereal milk straight from the bowl as she did it. "This may be shocking, but… probably the most annoying thing you've ever said. Crushing the buns? Are you serious?" he says as he walks over and face plants dramatically onto the couch. 

Rolling over to his back and sliding on the wire rims of the glasses he never lets anyone but Robin see him in, the apartment comes into focus and so does his best friend, sitting at the counter grinning from ear to ear while tugging up her eyebrows to him in a taunt, chomping on her cereal and looking far to comfortable in his own goddamn yellow sweatshirt. His hand jutting out abruptly and gesturing to her morning attire with a furrowed brow and a questioning look, she says absolutely nothing in response. "Are you serious? Get your own clothes!"

"Eh, yours was already unpacked and my box of cozy stuff is on the bottom. I didn't get to it yet." She says casually. 

“Yeah okay. The box pile huh? Well don’t think we’re going to be sharing everything around here.” 

To which he watches her lips curl up in a Cheshire cat grin as she responds “Aw man, not even the ladies?” 

He hates this already. 

"Need some coffee, tiger? Probably a little sluggish after testing out that mattress."

His groan was loud at that one. "ROBIN! "

"Fine, I'll leave you alone…for now. But we're gonna talk about some rules for when we're Jamming the Clam later over a smoke, ya got me? Roommate ground rules at all." She winked as she sauntered down the hallway to her room. 

"Sure Robbie. Whatever you want. But do me a favor… if you're so goddamn chipper this morning maybe you can unpack a freaking box from that mega-pile. Won't be bringing back some hot piece to your room to Jam the Clam in that fuckin' disaster zone!" He shouts at her back. 

Throwing up a peace sign and swaying her hips a little more (albeit awkwardly) she makes a show of acknowledging her friends request before shutting her bedroom door behind her. 

"Robin, right? And… " Murray looks at him up and down.

"Steve" the boy scowls. 

"Wow. Okay then. Cheer up Rico Suave. Robin! You didn't tell me your friend had this much charisma when you stopped by last week."

Murray Bauman is the manager of The Hideout. Maybe he owns the place, it's not entirely clear, but what is immediately crystal is that Murray is always ready to dish it out. "Alright then, welcome to The Hideout. I wanted to name it Murray's Pleasure Emporium but that got shot down pretty fuckin fast by my partner, so it is what it is."

With his salt-and-pepper hair, neatly groomed yet slightly disheveled, and a well-maintained beard framing his jawline, Murray's appearance hints at a man who has seen his fair share of adventures. Despite his brash exterior it's quickly clear that Murray effortlessly creates a comfortable atmosphere, so it's no wonder he finds himself successful in an environment where he can push boundaries and help others to explore their fantasies and fulfill their desires.

"So here's how this is gonna work. You two are gonna work retail. You'll need to run the register, oversee the displays, manage the inventory and help the customers. Peace-a cake, right?" He spurts off while simultaneously counting the money in the register for the day. 

Robin and Steve spit out a garbled acknowledgement while Murray looks back and forth between the two. "Red, did you say you two were... roommates?"

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

Eyes knocking back and forth to look between the two friends, Steve can already see where this is going. Been there a thousand times. So he cuts off Murray's silent analysis and offers up the information needed to satisfy his curiosity. "No, we aren't dating. And .. ah ah. Wait." He cuts him off as Murray starts to open his mouth, ready to counter back "...and NO, before you go there, we aren't fucking either. Didn't happen. Won't happen. Platonic."

"With a capital P." Robin finishes the end of Steve's sentence. "We can't promise we won't be weird, but we can one hundred percent promise there will not be any lovers quarreling with us."

"Well alright then. Loud and clear." Murray says in response. He claps his hands loudly and rubs them together before continuing on with his sex shop monologue. 

"Back to business, then. Covered the retail bits - Ah, yeah here we go. As you can see, the shop offers an extensive selection of adult toys, lingerie for the ladies…or the men, sensual massage oils - a personal favorite - and other products that cater to a wide range of tastes and sexual preferences. I like the good stuff, because I have taste. So that's what I sell. I also like to have all the latest shit because I'm progressive. Call me sexually innovative, if you will. If it's new, we're gonna have it."

Steve and Robin follow dutifully behind him taking it all in. Robin's eyes are as wide as saucers and she's distracted by all of the things she does not yet understand as Murray continues to spout out information on products, business and his own personal sexual philosophies. Steve poked her shoulder and she grimaces, and returns to planet earth to hear the rest of Murray's great new hire speech. 

"The people who come in here are not sex freaks. You got that? They're normal people. Don't gotta be some pervert to want to get off and feel good, so if you can't be open-minded and nonjudgmental then you might as well not even clock in after this. Got it?"

Both nod in agreement and the edges of Murray's lips curl up in a smirk. "Perfect. Come." He directs as he walks to the register and it's adjoining display case where a wide array of colorful dildos stand spread out for selection. 

"Not that it's a job requirement or anything but, I'm assuming if you're wanting to work here and my pleasure palace your… ahem.. sufficiently experienced. Cause you're gonna need to sell the product if you get my drift. People have way more questions than you could imagine. Just yesterday I had to tell a kid that Anal Beads are, in fact, for your anus..."

Robin's mouth is aghast. Steve looks around again taking it all in and he finally laughs at Murray, who is looking them over as if he can't believe these two kids standing here in front of him know anything about the kind of sex he sells. "Listen, Murray. I didn't set out to move here to this city and work in a shop full of dildos. Surprisingly, my incredibly inexperienced friend here signed me up against my will to hawk condoms like morning coffee. Robin doesn't know shit - sorry Robs, but you don't." She shrugs her shoulders, looking at Murray and nods in agreement at her friends words. "And while I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I'm not what you might consider all that adventurous, I've got more notches than I'm proud of and unlike most guys I can find a girl's clit. SO… I'd appreciate it if you stopped talking to me like this is 6th grade health class and let us get to work."

"I have very little to add." Robin says, "and after what I heard the other night, I'll attest to what Steve says. He sure can make 'em moan." 

Murray stands behind the counter looking Steve up and down. He lets out a loud, boisterous laugh into the still air of the shop before he starts again "Well then, Steve. I can respect that. I think you both are going to be a mess, but I can work with it... So let's hop to it."

Beyond the merchandise, the pair learn that Murray hosts educational workshops and events at The Hideout for its patrons and the community and often has specials and promos going inside for shoppers. After the first half of their day, it's clear that Murray runs a business that he is proud of and his customers are loyal. Steve decides that when people ask, he's just going to tell them he works retail. Because he in fact… does. 

As their training winds down, Murray comes out of his back office carrying a giant tray and welding some embarrassing dance moves as he delivers it delicately to the counter. "Hey, hey, hey assholes! Before we head out, we have to set up this display for tomorrow. Let's rock and roll my friends!" Robin scans the contents of the tray curiously, not so sure how all of the items fit together to make anything that resembles a display. "Uh, okay but like… what is it?" She says. 

Steve snickers as he takes in the tray full of cupcakes, bananas and condoms. "Well Robbie, despite what it looks like I don't think Murray is letting us set up snack time. I'm not sure what the cupcakes are for, but these here look like they're to practice getting the condoms on the banana."

"Bingo! Rico Suave gets the points! We're doing a condom demo tomorrow, so he's right on that. What he's wrong about though, is that the cupcakes ARE for a snack." Murray fist bumps Steve and turns to see Robin's gears turning at maximum speed. 

“What’s the matter, first time, Red?” Murray spits out, through a wide gleaming smile that Steve swears sparkles in the light, like some goddamn cartoon. 

"Actually.. ." She draws out "while I don't have the clit-finding prowess of my friend Steve here, I only strive to one day be able to eat pussy as well as he apparently can. So yes, this is my first time sliding on a condom, thank you very much." 

Murray nods and his grin never ceases, although now there's a bit more approval and admiration than taunt behind it. "C'mon then, lemme show you how to slide these on like a fuckin pro." 

Steve is beaming watching his friend speak so casually about it. Murray really is good at what he does and making people feel comfortable, or this city really is just what Robin needs, either way, the way Murray doesn't skip a beat and starts teaching Robin the art of rolling on a condom like it's just any old day makes Steve think about how many wild things they're going to get into here. And honestly it's all fine, because there’s a first time for everything.

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~In which Hobie doesn't do consistency. ~

wc: 0.6k

warnings: none :)

Hobie was a lot of things to you. A roommate, a best friend, and sometimes more. Sure, he kisses you and you sleep in the same bed on occasion but there was no label. There wasn't a name for whatever the two of you had going on and it seemed that Hobie liked it that way.

He never really was one for consistency some days he would be more like your boyfriend than anything. He would take you out with his hand in your back pocket and a smile that goes up to his ears. Kissing you as gently as he could like he feared you would break. Hobie held you like water in his hands. Other days he was your best friend and just that. You would sit together on the shitty sofa you bought together for your apartment (he calls it your flat). You could have moments of peace where the two of you pigged out on takeout and watched the worst movies imaginable.

There was nothing really wrong with the way things were now or at least that's what he thought, but to you this was hell on Earth-138. The thought of the simple instability in your maybe relationship gave you a headache. Not sure how to approach the topic one day you knock on his door.

Hobie opens his door of course and greets you with a smile. The type of smile a child with an ice cream cone has. An unadulterated childlike happiness. Until he sees the look on your face.

Nervous isn't even enough to describe the way you feel walking into his room and plopping yourself on his bed. The feelings of anxiety settle in the pit of your stomach and manifest physically. Tapping your feet and picking at the skin surrounding the cuticles trying your best not to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"We need to talk" You sighs out her words as they move slowly out from your stomach into the air. Hobie tilts his head and sighs wiping a hand across his face

"This sounds...serious" His voice reflects his emotions perfectly he's not too calm but not too nervous. The exact opposite of how you felt.

You take a few breaths trying to unjumble your thoughts and get your words in the right order. A heavy silence fills the air as both of you wait for the words to come out of your mouth.

"What are we Hobie. I mean- I like what we have going I just need to know what exactly it is, or I'll lose my mind. Are you my boyfriend are we just friends are we just roommates. We go on dates we do dating stuff but you haven't made it official are you talking to other people?" All the thoughts you've been pilling in your head for the past few months come spilling out in awkward ways. Your voice is quick and stutters not knowing how to express the way you feel due to all the nerves and other thinking.

He laughs. Of all things Hobie can do in a situation like this he laughs because of course he does. Then he sees the look on your face and realizes the reality of the situation. He takes your hands in his and bends down slightly to look you in the eyes.

"You're my person. I thought we both knew that we were each other's people. If you wanna put a label on this, we can. Just thought it wasn't needed since we both knew we belong to each other."

He shrugs trying to be nonchalant. "Guess that was stupid though."

An immense weight lifts off your shoulders as you now know you and Hobie have been exclusive this whole time. Next time his weird friends come around he introduces you as his "partner in crime aka the love of my life" The labels help you relax a bit and Hobie learns to respect that.

[kkcauseway]

Oh Baby P1

The life you've always wanted- Joel x F!reader

Chapter summary: You and Joel had been actively trying for a baby for a couple of months, you made the decision to finally take the leap and expand your family. You're happy and safe in Jackson surrounded by family, Ellie is thriving and so the only thing missing is a baby. Chapter warnings/content: Tw-morning sickness, talks of previous illnesses. Fluff, Joel being ADORABLE and happy and just ugh (Actually bad how much I love this man I swear.) No use of Y/N. Wordcount: 3.8K A/N: hope you enjoy! This is my favourite series that I’ve ever written. So I hope you love it as much as I’ve loved writing it!!

Next I Series masterlist I Main Masterlist

You and Joel have been actively trying for a baby for a couple of months, deciding to finally take the leap and expand your family. You’ve lived in Jackson for three years. Maria first brought you here after finding you injured so you could be nursed back to health. Offering you a place to stay once you recovered. Since then you’ve always stuck with her and Tommy and the three of you became very close after a short space of time. That’s how you met Joel, after he and Ellie too finally settled in Jackson. Firstly watching from a distance as he began repairing his relationship with his brother, finding it much harder to get Maria to warm to him, but it happened eventually. Then you two were introduced, and the rest is history. You and Joel have now been together ‘officially’, for just over a year, but have known each other for over two. You fell in love incredibly fast and the idea of a baby, whilst Joel’s petrified, he’s also quite excited.

🩷🤍🩷

It's a sunny morning and you wake early, head resting on Joel’s naked chest, exactly how you'd fallen asleep after he kissed your forehead a final time to say goodnight; your legs intertwined, his arm wrapped around you, hand resting steady on your hip. You lie there for a couple of minutes, your head slightly raising with each rise of Joel’s chest, listening in tune to his heartbeat. You nuzzle into his chest hair, forever grateful for how warm he is, when you suddenly put a hand to your stomach. Something feels different? this morning. Whilst you’re stuck on this thought, your stomach contents suddenly begin to churn, and it doesn’t take long for you to realise it’s not going to settle down. You shoot out of bed, not caring that you’re naked, shoving Joel off you and run into the bathroom. Planting your knees to the floor, as you heave into the toilet bowl. The abrupt getting out of bed, causes Joel to jolt awake; confused. And when he finally fully wakes, enough to take in his surroundings, he can hear you in the bathroom.

Whilst you continue to retch over the toilet seat, emptying your body of the contents of the night before, you can hear Joel shuffling on his bare feet, making his way towards you. He kneels next to you and brings a hand to your back, stroking it in circles. “S’going on baby?”

After a couple of seconds you’re finally able to take a breath and can rest your head on one of your arms that’s hugging the toilet bowl you moan “I don’t know, woke up feeling weird and now this, man I really hope it’s not the fever Ellie had. Ugh.” You lift your head to rub at your temples.

Two weeks ago, Ellie had come down with some kind of flu, nobody had any idea where it had come from, but she was bed ridden for the first five days. And has only began feeling completely better about three days ago. You stayed with her the most, opting out of patrolling to be there to help her in any way she needed; holding her hair back as she hurled, talking to her, helping her calm down after her crazy, vivid dreams, and keeping her as hydrated as possible, she wouldn’t eat until day 4, but you sure as hell made sure she drank. You wondered if you would catch it, along with everyone else, especially Joel. Joel was petrified of you catching it too, but you had been fine up until now. This mornings shenanigans being the first sign of any symptoms.

Joel reaches his hand round to your forehead and holds it there. “You don’t feel like you have a fever baby, you might be slightly warm, but nothing like what Ellie was. Maybe it’s just an upset stomach?” He sits there watching you a second, stroking at your back again, hating seeing you so weak and fragile “Cmon baby, let’s get you back in bed, ready to get back up?”

Just as Joel goes to stand, your breathing speeds up and another wave of nausea hit you. He bunches your hair and holds it back out of your face.

“That’s it, let it all out” Joel begins rubbing circles on your back again. You let out a painful moan, he hates seeing you like this and he knows how much you hate feeling like this. “Better out than in baby”. He utters reassuringly. It takes time but Joel’s there for you throughout.

You thought it was over, but then again you're retching, only now, your body has nothing left to give, the dry retching scratching your throat agonisingly so. Your eyes won’t stop watering, so you try your best to steady your breathing.

“Ugh, I hate being sick” you whine.

“I know baby girl, I know, m’sorry” Joel gets up and grabs a cloth and a glass of water, bringing the cloth to your lips. You take it from him and sit back on your heels, panting as you wipe your mouth. He then offers you the glass, you down the lot.

“Good girl” he praises taking the empty glass from you. “Come on, let’s get you back into bed before y’start to freeze.” Joel helps you to stand, you cuddle into his warm chest as he quickly leans round you to flush the toilet, before carefully helping to guide you back to the bedroom.

"I'm sorry" you mumble as you climb into bed.

"You ain’t got nothing to be sorry for, don't be silly." Joel tucks you back into the bed covers.

"I bet I look a right mess, didn't even get my fuckin' robe." You sigh, embarrassed. He carefully sits on the edge of the bed next to you then.

"No baby, none of that talk.” He strokes your cheek and you lean into his touch. A subconscious movement. So comfortable, so known. Natural. “Y’know you're still super sexy to me regardless, and that I’ll always help you no matter what it is. Now you get some rest, I’ll find Maria, tell her you can’t help her out at the farm today, I’m sure she’ll understand.”

“N- no babe, just give me a few minutes to sort myself out, catch my breath properly, I’m sure I’ll be okay to work. I need to work. Babe I promised, I can’t let people down they need me”. You whine, tears threatening release.

“I know you hate letting people down, but this is necessary baby. You’ll be no help t’anyone when you’re like this. Maria’ll understand, plus it wasn’t a choice, you’re gonna stay in bed, you really aren’t well at all.”

“Okay” you mumble quietly before sighing, you know he’s right of course, you can feel just how bad you are. “Thank you Cowboy.” You squish further into the mattress then.

“Now I’m scheduled on a patrol with Tommy today, back tonight, you gonna be okay alone, or do I need to try find someone to replace me? If you need me here baby just say, y’know I’ll happily stay. Much rather be with my girl.”

“I’ll be fine, like you say probably just an upset stomach; I’m just gonna sleep it off if I’m 'not allowed to work'.” You try to look at him with a cheeky grin, but the sickness is still so evident on your face. Pale skin, dark bags under your eyes.

“Yeah” he sighs. “You're staying home today baby, rest up” he urges kissing your forehead as he strokes your cheek once more.

Joel leaves the house after you practically beg him to leave. He’s so overly concerned for you it made it painful to see him go. Yet all he would do is stress, the patrol will be a good distraction and it means you can just sleep. You love that he cares for you so deeply. Encasing yourself in the sheets, lying on Joel’s pillow to be surrounded by his smell it doesn’t take long for sleep to overcome you. About an hour or so later, you wake to a knock at the front door, you tie your robe round you and make your way to the front door. Noticing you feel much better now, sickness seemingly subsided completely. Hallelujah!

Opening the door Maria’s stood staring at you, her, and Tommy’s two year old son Ted pressed to her hip, sleeping with his head squished into her shoulder, his teddy turtle gripped by his small palm. Worry is written all over Maria's expression. So you’re quick to move out of the way of the door, allowing her entry. Nobody has said anything yet but once the door is shut she breaks the silence.

“Joel says you’re sick, what’s wrong?”

“To be honest I feel much better now, I’m not sure what came over me this morning, must have just been an stomach upset. Maybe something I ate last night? I threw up a couple of times, but I feel fine now, I’m just really stupidly tired.”

“Well, when Joel told me you woke up throwing up and couldn’t work today, I though it must’ve been Ellie's fever. Yet there was another thought in the back of my mind, and I think your symptoms have just confirmed that.”

You look to her puzzled, “confirmed what? Maria what are you talking about?” She just stares at you, as if she wants you to work it out alone. What other thought? Of course she leaves you to think and it suddenly hits you, your period is late, in fact you’ve missed two months now. The first missed month you presumed was because you were stressed due to Ellie’s illness. But two in a row. It must be. Surely? How had this not already crossed your mind?

“Oh my God, Maria! I think I’m pregnant!”

“My thoughts exactly!” she replies smiling. And then she holds out her hand giving you a box; a two pack of twenty-year-old or so pregnancy tests.

“How?”

“I have a mind for these things, you should know that by now. And it’s hardly a secret that you’ve been trying. I’m actually surprised neither you or Joel had that thought cross your mind!”

You laugh. “I think we just didn’t expect it would happen, I dunno, but holy shit, Maria I might be pregnant!”

You both race to the bathroom, Maria waiting outside of the closed door, whilst you do what needs to be done to the tests. With the flush you open the bathroom door, so Maria can enter. It only takes about 30 seconds for the bright red double lines to appear on the first test, you then look to the second, once again seeing the same result.

Squealing you hug Maria, tears in your eyes. “Oh my God, it’s finally happening! Maria, I’m gonna be a Mama! Oh, I can’t believe it!”

“Oh, I’m so happy for you two!”

The noise and the force of the hug causes little Ted to stir and he lets out a quiet whimper. 

"Sorry Teddy Bear, didn't mean to wake you" you whisper.

Maria then begins stroking his head "Shhhh... Go back to sleep baby it's okay."

And just like that he’s back asleep.

“I can’t believe it Maria, and I can’t wait to tell Joel, he’s gonna be so happy, we’ve both wanted this for so long.” Tears well in your eyes once more.

“You’re gonna have a little baby you!” She exclaims.

“Eeekk! (The scream much quieter than you want it to be, but you don't want to disturb Ted anymore than you already have) "You know what, why don’t you, Tommy and Ted come for dinner tonight, I’ll cook, and can tell everyone. We need to celebrate!”

“That sounds absolutely perfect! We’ve needed some happy news like this round here for a while!” She exclaims.

🩷🤍🩷

When Joel returns home from patrol that evening, you, and Ellie are in the kitchen, Ellie’s sketching at the table, whilst you stir the pasta sauce you’re making.

“Mmm something smells gooood” Joel moans, as he traipses up behind you hugging you. He places delicate kisses at your neck. 

“Hi baby.” You let go of the spoon and turn in Joel’s arms to face him, taking his face in hand and kissing his lips.

“Ughh, gross, do you two have to do that here”. Ellie pretends to gag.

You both turn to look at her.

“Sorry Ellie, but it’s not a crime for a man to miss his girl, thought you’d be used to it by now”. He laughs.

His girl, GOD, you love it when he calls you that.

“It might not be illegal, but it should be yuck, and no I will never get used to it!”

You both laugh in response.

“And if it’s any consolation” Joel releases you and begins walking over to Ellie hugging her from behind, his arms around her shoulders “I missed you too” he gives her playful kisses all over her face -that he knows she hates.  You laugh watching the moment unfold. Ellie squirms from the interaction. “Ewwww gross, get off meee!” she squeaks. Joel eventually backs away laughing as he does. She playfully scowls at him. 

You’re already laughing and it doesn’t take long for Ellie and Joel to join you. Man you love your little family, and the thought of it growing even more makes your heart feel as though it could explode.

Joel turns back to look at you then, noticing the colour’s returned to your cheeks. "Feelin’ better now I take it?"

"Mmm, loads better thank you, I invited Tommy and Maria over for dinner. They’ll be here soon, should be a nice evening" you smile.

”Sounds lovely” Joel agrees. He has no idea.

Turning back to the pot, you suggest Joel and Ellie go and sit in the living room, it won’t be long till Tommy and Maria arrive and you need to make sure everything’s prepped for dinner. They’re too distracting with their teasing ways so you kick them out of the kitchen, they can piss each other off elsewhere. Tonight has to be perfect! You try thinking of the best way to break the news. Devising how, when, where.

🩷

Tommy and Maria soon arrive with little Ted, who’s freshly awake from a nap. He energetically runs straight to his Uncle, who picks him up embracing him. “Hey little man!” “Hi Jo!” You laugh at his pronunciation of Joel's name. You watch the way Joel is with that little boy, it as per usual causes your heart to flutter. And now he’s going to be a dad again; he’s going to do the most amazing job. You secretively place a hand to your stomach stroking slightly. Still flat but so full of happiness, hope.

When dinner is finally plated and served you all sit round the dinner table, Ted playing in the living room with his already full belly, Joel offers to open the bottle of white wine in the centre of the table. All part of your plan. Pouring Maria’s, Tommy’s, his own, and then when he goes to pour for you, (best for last, as he always says) you stop him. “Not for me tonight, thank you.”

Tommy, Ellie, and Joel all look to you shocked; you never say no to a glass of wine.

“No wine? Jeez what’s wrong” Tommy jokingly questions you with a laugh.

Maria elbows him.

“Ouch!”

“What, haven’t you heard?" You quiz their perplexed faces.

All three of them look at you puzzled. You turn to Maria:

"Oh my, my, Maria, I thought it was common knowledge, but obviously not."

Maria laughs in response. Not one hundred percent sure on your plan, but aware of what the outcome is going to be so she plays along.

"Well everyone knows, or well I THOUGHT everyone did, that it’s bad to drink if you’re expecting” you smile.

“Expecting what?” Ellie quickly speaks up. Oblivious.

Joel stands still in his spot, staring at you. “Wha- you mean?”

“Yeah!” You exclaim.

He shoves the bottle of wine onto the table and pulls you out of your chair and into his embrace. Crying and laughing, he grips onto you with so much love. Full of desperation to have you even closer. He kisses you over and over on the lips, before finally pushing you, arms-length away from him, so he can carefully caress your still flat stomach.

Finally, on watching Joel’s actions it computes in Ellies head, “Holyyyy shit!” She stands from her seat. “So, I’m finally gonna be a big sister woAHHHH.”

Joel embraces you once more and turns to Ellie. “Seems that you are kiddo.”

“Congrats!” Ellie walks closer to you, inviting you both into a hug, before getting down on her knees in front of you. She brings her lips right onto your stomach; “Hi baby, about time you came along” she whispers. You laugh wetly at her response.

When you had first started trying for a baby, you'd asked Ellie how she felt about it, because the last thing you wanted was for her to feel pushed aside or replaced. She was elated with the idea, and was just as nervous as you and Joel were for it to happen. So it’s a massive relief for all three of you, that it's a dream, finally being made into a reality.

You stroke a hand into Ellie's hair and smile as you take in the moment. Home, the most wonderful place to be, you don’t think you could be happier than you are right this second. In the arms of the man you love, being embraced by Ellie too as you have Joel's baby, no yours and his baby inside of you. YOUR BABY! IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING!

Ellie finally stands back up, “I’m starving” she groans, walking back over to the table with the goal of wolfing down her food, you and Joel too make your way back over to your seats.

“Congrats to you both!” Tommy shouts across the table.

“Thankyou!” you say in unison.

“Knew it must’ve been something drastic for you be saying no to wine” he cheekily utters.

“Tommy Miller, you cheeky bastard!” You exclaim shaking your head as you laugh.

“Hehe nah I’m only playin, I’m happy for y’all. About time my big brother had some added responsibilities!” He grins.

“Tommy!” Maria scolds at the same time as Joel playfully kicks his shin under the table, causing him to jolt and knee the table.

He turns to look at his brother “I’m only playin’ you know I’m happy for you! You took the piss outa me all the time when we were having Ted even after he was born.” He rubs his knee “You’d done the dad thing before I hadn’t, and you always used that to your advantage. So I think it’s about time I get my own back!”

Joel looks to you shocked.

You sit up straighter in your seat “don’t look at me Miller!” You hold your hands up in surrender “you know exactly what you were doin’ to him!”

He shakes his head “Forever a grudge holder huh baby brother?” He questions playfully focusing back on his brother’s gaze. “Even turnin’ my girl against me?”

He shrugs with a cheeky smile still caked on his face “I am genuinely happy for you both I do mean that. From the bottom of my heart. Plus Ted’s gonna love having a little friend and I for one am not ashamed to admit that I miss the newborn stage! So Uncle Tommy is very much looking forward to newborn snuggles! But to answer your question yes, I’m gonna love every second of watching you sweat over the next 9 months”

You smile at that. Tommy’s cute, but him and his brother are forever in competition, they love each other dearly but love pissing each other off more. This is your family. Your dysfunctional PERFECT family. With the news out, hearts aflutter, emotions high you all begin to eat your meals, chatting any old nonsense. Once the meal is over and the dishes are clean. You offer Tommy and Maria a nightcap. You all sit chatting away, them three on the three seater, Ellie on her stomach on the floor, face hidden within the confines of her sketchbook adding to the conversation every so often , and you’re snuggled on the armchair. Maria, Tommy, and Joel all have a whiskey, whilst you’re stuck with herbal tea. Not that you’d change the reason for that that for the world. Ted is napping upstairs, Joel having worn him out but it’s not long until you hear him stir.

Maria goes to stand, as you move too “I can go?”. You ask her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah course, best start getting some more practice in anyways, plus, me and Teddy are besties, and I haven’t had a cuddle in AGES!” You moan.

“Baby, he was literally cuddled up to you and fell asleep on you, what like not even an hour ago?” Joel replies laughing.

“Exactly Cowboy, that’s tooooo long without a Teddy cuddle, and seriously they’re the best when he’s still sleepy.”

“Amen. They really are!” Tommy butts in.

“I’ll be back” you wink.

You climb the stairs and walk into yours and Joel’s bedroom where Tommy has set up the travel cot.

“Mama?” he asks sleepily rubbing his eyes.

“Hi Teddy, no not Mama it’s T” you whisper (Ted can’t say aunty, when he tried it came out as T, and well it stuck)

“T!” he almost screams in excitement. His voice laced in sleep. 

“Hi! My bestest boy, you wana come down and see Mama and Daddy?”

“Yeh” he rubs his eyes again and then lifts his arms up for you to grab him.

You lift him with a groan. He’s wearing blue, star pattern footie pyjamas. Once in your arms, he settles quickly into your side, before abruptly raising his head again.

"Oh, Where Tudle!"

"Here, I'll get him for you" You reach into the travel cot and grab his teddy turtle. You give it to him and he smiles as he holds it in both his hands and stretches his arms up "Yay Tudle!"

"You really love turtle don't you Teddy Bear?"

"Yah!" After he and turtle have had their moment, he places it into his one hand and puts the thumb of his other into his mouth. Cuddling once again into your side. He’s always so warm and cuddly. You walk back out of the room and make your way back downstairs.

“There he is!” Tommy shouts.

Ted rather than removing his thumb from his mouth, shouts a muffled but clear enough “Daddy!”

You walk over to Tommy, and he takes Ted off you, sitting him in his lap. You then make your way back over to the armchair.

“Did you have a good sleep bud?” Tommy asks.

“Yeh! An tudle” he holds his turtle up into his dads face.

His mispronunciation of turtle forever making everyone laugh.

“Turtle did too huh?”

“Yeh! An now no sleep.”

“No, you’re awake now bud, you can stay awake till we go home, okay?”

“Kay!”

Tommy then passes Ted to Maria, planting a kiss to the top of his head.

“Hi Mama”

“Hey! You look very sleepy, baby Teddy.” She says wiping the underneath of his eyes. 

“I no sleepy, I awake.”

“Yeah you’re awake now…” she kisses into his hair before adding “Hey Baby, did you say hi to Uncle Joel?” Maria asks pointing to him.

He looks to Joel, “Hi!” big grin on his face.

He really is the sweetest little boy; you can’t help but smile at him and the way Joel acts with him.

“Why hello little man, I heard you and turtle slept real good in our room!” he smiles back at Ted.

“Tudle say fanks”. He holds his turtle up again.

“Well turtle is very welcome, and you tell him he can sleep over any day he wants”.

“Yay!” at this, Ted shimmies out of his mothers grip and runs the short length over to Joel, hugging his legs. Ever since the kid learnt to walk you swear, he’s got faster and faster. Joel grabs him to sit onto his lap and pulls him into a tight embrace. His entire body covering Joel’s chest he lies there comfortably putting his thumb back into his mouth. You don’t know why, but it’s as if your emotions are now on overdrive, pregnancy hormones don’t kick in this early, do they? Well, whether they do or not, you’re crying. They’re happy tears, but you’re crying. You sniffle, slightly louder than you mean to, and everyone’s gaze turns to you, including Ted’s.

Joel quickly takes Ted off his lap and places him on the sofa next to him. He shoots up “Baby what’s wrong?”

“Joel I’m okay I promise” you laugh “It was just a cute moment, and I couldn’t stop the tears, they’re happy tears. Pinky promise”.

"Oh pregnancy hormones, I remember them well" Maria butts in.

“Jesus” he gasps “You had me worried for a second”.

“Well, you know me Miller, like to keep you on your toes” you reply laughing again, but still crying.

The next thing you know, you hear the soft taps of tiny feet padding towards you and then feel a soft pulling on the blanket you have draped over you. “Jo help”, you laugh at the tiny voice, and Joel bends down to scoop Ted up, placing him on your lap.

“T why cwying?”

He cuddles into you.

“I’m okay Teddy baby, I’m just very happy”. You wipe away your remaining tears.

“Happy yay! tudle happy too.” He holds his turtle up once again. You swear he’s the happiest little boy.

“Yeah, I’m happy Teddy bear and I’m very glad to hear turtle is too.”

Ted then persists to ask everyone else in the room if they’re happy. Once it’s concluded that everyone’s happy, especially because Ted is here. (Which he felt very proud in knowing.) You have something very special to tell him.

“Hey, Teddy bear?”

He turns his gaze back to you.

“We have something to tell you”. He looks to Joel, who’s crouched down the side of the armchair, nodding, then back to you.

“It’s very special kiddo!” Joel adds.

Ted nods in response.

“So, Teddy bear, you remember how I told you that before you were born, you were in Mama’s tummy?”

“Yah” he nods turning to look at Maria and points at her. “There” he then looks back at you.

“Yeah, good remembering Baby!” Maria praises him from across the room.

“Well, now there's one in here!” you point to your own tummy.

“A BABY?!”

“Yeah, Teddy bear in T’s tummy” Joel adds.

He grabs you t-shirt and pulls it up, so a bit of your tummy shows “In there?”

“Yeah, in there, good job bud!” Tommy pipes up.

“Ooooo!”

You all laugh for a moment before Ellie pipes up. Coming to kneel next to where Ted’s sitting.

“Hey Ted, you know how I look after you, cus I’m bigger and we play lots and lots of games?”

“Yah!”

“Well, when this baby comes, you will be lots bigger, so you will have to help me to look after them”

“I help, pwomise.”

“Good, high five!”

They high five. And you laugh again, you never thought there would be a point in your life where you would be this happy. Especially with the added ‘end of the world’ element.

“El can draw?”

“You wana draw? Sure, bud come on”, she helps him off the chair and he runs over to her space on the floor. Sitting on the floor crossing his legs.

When Ellie and Ted are out of your space, you take a second to take in your surroundings. Ellie is thriving in Jackson life and dotes just as much as everyone else on precious Ted; She’s going to be the best big sister. Tommy and Maria are cuddled on the sofa laughing. They really are the best people so besotted with one another. And then there’s Joel, the love of your life, the father of your child. You turn to him and find he’s watching you. You look back into his eyes and you both smile. He lifts an arm and rests the palm of his hand on your stomach. You look down as you place your hand atop his, but then lift your gaze back to his eyes. He's smiling so wide. "I love you", he utters softly. "I love you too Cowboy".

Life is good, and it's about to get so much better.

Next I Series Masterlist I Main Masterlist

[universe-on-her-shoulders]

Prompt: torchwood's money ran out cuz everyone keeps buying weird shit

“Owen,” Jack began, looking across the conference table at his colleague and adopting his sternest expression. At least he hoped it was stern; it was certainly cross, if nothing else. “Why does this month’s credit card statement say that someone spent…” he looked down at the document, which was highlighted in several different colours, and picked out a line of green-hued text. “Three hundred pounds in Howells?”

“Why are you asking me?” Owen demanded to know, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms across his chest defensively, his entire manner screaming ‘guilty’. “Why aren’t you asking Gwen or Tosh or-”

“I don’t shop in Howells,” Ianto pointed out pre-emptively, a smirk playing across his features, along with a vague look of indignation. “All of my suits are tailor-made.”

“That is officially the poshest and therefore most idiotic denial I have ever heard in my life,” Owen said flatly. “Bloody hell.”

“Not hearing any explanations here, Owen,” Jack told him. “Just a lot of denial.”

“Why are you assuming it’s me?!” Owen blustered. “Why aren’t you asking Gwen or Tosh?”

“I don’t think they let people like me into Howells,” Gwen pointed out, eyebrows raised. “I’m not exactly their target market, am I? Far too young and far too… I don’t know, lowbrow. Boring. Poor.”

“And I don’t have any desire to shop in department stores,” Tosh told him with her usual upfront honesty. “Therefore, process of deduction, unless the pterodactyl got hold of the credit card and decided to go shopping, which seems unlikely…”

“Note to self, check the structural integrity of the roof,” Ianto muttered under his breath.

“…then it must’ve been you,” Jack finished for her. “So, I’m going to ask you again. Three hundred quid. Howells. Explain. Now.”

“I had an encounter with a Weevil and it ruined my outfit,” Owen began reluctantly. “I was on foot, and it was a Saturday, and I couldn’t exactly walk around the city centre covered in blood, because it’d cause a panic. So I made up some stupid story about being a student and doing some filming for a media course and went to Howells. They seemed very impressed by the credit card, thank god.”

“Every part of that story was more improbable than the last,” Ianto noted, and Owen shot him a sour look. “Including the part where anyone would think you were a student.”

“At least I don’t dress like a middle-aged man,” Owen retorted. “Anyway, I got myself some new jeans and a new shirt, got changed in an alleyway around the back, chucked the ruin stuff in a bin, and carried on with my day.”

“Why couldn’t you have gone to BHS? Or Topman? Or GAP? Or indeed, anywhere slightly cheaper?” Jack asked, reasoning that it was a fair question, given Cardiff’s abundance of shopping opportunities, and Owen shrugged.

“Howells was nearest, and I figured that they’re probably used to people being kind of weird, because… you know. Rich people. They do weird dodgy shit all the time. So I thought, as long as I flashed the credit card and then bought something, they’d probably ignore any weirdness about me…”

“And that’s a lot,” Gwen chipped in, and he flipped her off.

“…and sell me the clothes, which they did. And then I went back and Retconned them and fixed the security footage the next day. You’re welcome, Ianto.”

Jack let out a long breath, trying to tell himself that Owen’s course of action had been sensible and practical, albeit rather expensive. “Are they good jeans? And is it a good shirt?”

“I dunno, you tell me,” Owen gesticulated to himself, and Jack’s eyebrows rose in horror as he realised what Owen was indicating.

“Those are the jeans?”

“What’s wrong with them?” Owen demanded to know, looked down at the dark denim. “I like them!”

“Christ, they saw you coming a mile off,” Gwen snickered. “Because those were not worth the money. Could’ve got some nice ones from… well, anywhere else. And Jack wouldn’t be nagging you about the credit card statement.”

“Oh, don’t think you’re off the hook,” Jack told her, and she frowned. “Forty-eight pounds in Bella Italia. Fancy explaining?”

[experiment14-12]

I'm just gonna go on a rant real quick, on

Why 2021 - 2024 are the Worst Years of my Life

TRIGGER WARNING: May contain references of violence, and illness. The reader's discretion is advised.

Ever since March 13th of 2020, about 4 years ago, the world has gone downhill because of the fear of death. The Coronavirus ruined everything. I'll give you my rundown.

In 2020, COVID kicked everyone's ass. The USA was quarantined for two weeks. Toilet paper was vanishing left and right. Everyone stayed home for what seemed like forever.

In 2021, Friday Night Funkin' became the hot new thing. I made two new blogs. I met @oogaboogaspookyman for the first time, and his actions will forever change how I see things, for the better. My boyfriend moved away to another state, so we had to part ways. My negligent sister (she was living with me, my brother and my mom at the time) whom I will call Jessica, has finally moved out of our house. Things were going great for the first 10 months, but then December 5th came. My mom was diagnosed with COVID. Now, WE had to stay home for 2 MORE weeks. My narcissistic sister (who only had 1 kid at the time) whom I will call Karen, stayed with us. Everyone was trapped in their rooms. I had my own, my brother had HIS own, my sister and her son shared one, my mom had her own, you know the drill. It was kind of cool, staying home for 2 weeks, finally having my own room after a decade of sharing one with at least one of my brothers. It felt like I could do anything without anyone looking. We were quarantined, so why not? Once the quarantine was lifted, it was already Christmastime, and we only had a week to shop. After the quarantine was lifted, I felt my first case of derealization. Words cannot describe how awful it felt. Everything was blurry, but... not blurry... at the same time. It felt like everything was shifting, but not moving. I remembered myself standing in my room, feeling really weirded out and scared that everything was losing its form. Then, it stopped. I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

In 2022, Sonic.EXE became popular again. I finally got a Meta Quest 2 VR headset. Karen officially moved in with us. That was her first mistake. She should've just stayed with my drunk-as-all-hell dad who lived next door. I was introduced to Ori and the Blind Forest. I loved it. It became my favorite game. Then, what clicked in my head, verified me as... a furry. That just made matters worse. People at school made fun of/bullied me for being an "EwW fUrRy WhY dOn't YoU cHoOsE a DiFfErEnT pAtH???" I became more violent as time went on. Why are people like this? Why do people call someone out for the stupidest reasons?

In 2023, I was invited to the dark side of the moon. New peeps in the world (and my house) so my two sisters, Karen, and another who I will call Georgia, had kids. Georgia and her boyfriend were driven out of their house by roaches, so they moved with us. Both of my sisters became greedy little shit stains. Now, we have 3 maggots running around the house. I suffered through my second case of derealization. This time, I'm sharing a room with my brother yet again. I hate it. But, I'm sure glad I have a Wii again. My hyperfixation is now Night in the Woods again. We went camping. It was fun. It was... fine...

Now, 2 months ago, my aunt, who I will call Dorothy, passed away due to an overdose. This rocked me to my core. Rest in peace, aunt Dorothy. The house, in shambles. My sanity, running low. Poppy Playtime Chapter 3 came out. I now have a new hyperfixation: the Smiling Critters. Things were not looking good.

It is now March 4th, 2024. I feel like absolute shit. I have too many assignments and projects to catch up on. My life is becoming more and more similar to Mae Borowski's.

I now know how @thelonelyfeline feels.

My life is starting to become the vibes of this song.

[love-kurdt]

Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 36

word count: 688

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

September 29, 1990

Dear Will,

This past month and a half has been nothing but absolute chaos. First off, I finally had my official gay bar initiation! I was invited back in August by my friend Alexis and some of our other friends from our Gender Studies elective course, which was good, because at least I’d be around people I knew. They ordered me this neon blue cocktail I can’t remember the name of, probably because I chugged it so fast (just kidding, I think it was called a Blue Lagoon), and I was instantly picked up by the Prettiest of Pretty Boys™. He introduced himself as Wes Butler, and we had sex in the storage closet of the bar. It was actually my first time “topping” (I put topping in quotations because you can’t really top if you’re both standing). But it was cramped, it was hot in a bad way, it was messy, and it ended quicker than it began. It was not a good time. Moral of the story: I don’t do closets. I spent my whole life in one, and lost you in the process.

If you thought that experience was weird, let me tell you about this nerd rave I went to last Friday. Some acquaintance from one of my lit courses told me about it after class, saying it was at a beat up old house on the edge of campus, at five o’clock. When I showed up, it was like I’d entered the drama club room at Hawkins High. Dim lighting, red ambiance, and about a dozen different fantasy and sci-fi related activities happening throughout the house. I was so overwhelmed, and I had no idea where the hell to begin. Despite my love for writing fantasy, I’ve tried not to interact with anything remotely nerdy at the risk of it reminding me of you and sending me into a downward mental spiral. I’m scared that one day, if the spiral is spiraly enough, I won’t be able to come back from it. But anyway, this guy came up to me and said “Is it me or do you not have a clue what’s going on, either?” I turned to face him, and my eyes nearly fell out of my fucking skull, because I was either hallucinating, or Eddie Munson had come back from the dead. We immediately sparked a conversation about how we were just normal dudes who like literature and D&D, and felt incredibly out of place amongst all the cosplayers, almost like it was a convention. I don’t know how exactly we got from Point A to Point Z, but within half an hour of meeting Walker Brooks, he was fucking me into his Lord of the Rings bedsheets. Out of nowhere, he started talking to me in Elvish– I actually looked up and translated the phrase he used most frequently, “N- a man boui an ada.” It means, “Be a good boy for Daddy.” Yeah… yikes. I won't be seeing him again.

It’s no wonder why I keep going back to Wyatt. When we hook up, it’s like he erases all the other bad experiences. He’s so gentle with me, which is honestly what I crave the most. I just want affection. I just want love, while most of the other guys I’ve been with only want to get their dicks wet. But Wyatt is different– he cares about me. He’s my friend, above all else. And because he’s my friend, he offers to listen whenever I need to talk, no matter what. I think he knows my entire life story up until this point. Which means he knows about you and everything that happened last year. Don’t worry, he doesn’t hate you. He just… isn’t your biggest fan. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you, though, because you’ll never have any reason to cross paths with each other. If, by some miracle, a reason does emerge, I won’t hesitate to introduce you two. 

But it’s just pathetic for me to hope at all at this point. So I won’t. Hope, I mean.

Love,

Mike

-

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[lavoixhumaine]

i have officially posted my final fanfic for the year.

and boy howdy, it’s been a hell of a wild ride and i honestly don’t see myself quitting this anytime soon. i didn’t expect to find this kind of freedom in writing literally whatever the hell i want and finding people who appreciate it and enjoy it, but damn, it’s been so weird but fucking beautiful.

honestly, i’m trying to let go of the fact that so much has happened in the last few months because i’m really not the type who dwells on things. but i will be honest and say i am a little disappointed with myself that i was not able to finish hearts in atrophy in december as i originally planned. we still have january though, maybe february and then by march we get the real thing back so who’ll need fanfic then, yeah? pfft!

i promised some fellow bobby x athena fans i would get them through the hiatus. i don’t know if i was able to really live up to that but i hope i got to help in some small way at least. i love this ship so much and this fandom has been a dream. we’ll hold on to each other until the week of march 14, huh? we can do it!

anyway, seven stories in eight months doesn’t seem too shabby though, right?

i wanna thank everyone who took the time to sit down and read what i have to offer. i would also like to give my deepest and most heartfelt thanks to all those who left comments, kudos and took the time to write to me here on tumblr. and yes, this includes all the good things and bad things—i appreciate them all in different ways.

i am deeply, deeply grateful for the friendships i’ve been blessed with through this fixation. these fantastic, kind and generous duckies helped get me through some of the truly darkest times of my life. they probably don’t realize how much of an impact they’ve made in this oddball’s life but i hope someday they will. i wish them nothing but the absolute best and most wonderful, beautiful blessings for always.

and one last thing—

dear reader, i hope you have a lovely time ringing in the new year and you are surrounded by those who love you—whether that’s in person or online or by pigeon or snail mail. i wish you happiness, good health and comfort. remember to be kind to yourself and…breathe. see you next year 🌸

much love,

sunny 🌸

(i am taking this time to post this now because i am about to start cooking and after that, i will most likely get a little drunk—see ya’ll next year!)

[asksuccubussides]

I would give my life just to hold your hand

Part 2 out of 2

Master post of chapters

This is set in the same universe as "What if you were an asexual succubus wouldn't that be fucked up or what" but can be read on it's own

1929

Coming home from work and checking his mailbox had become the angel's favorite part of the day. It didn't matter that the mail only came every other month or so, each day he felt the same butterflies flutter in his chest as he walked the short distance to the neighborhood's mailboxes. When no mail had come he could always return home and reread the letters he had gotten from Remy.

He enjoyed tracing his fingers across the page and imagining the demon writing it. He imagined their concentrated expression and whether they had written it while sitting in his old apartment or while in hell.

The demon still had trouble with spelling especially considering neither of them could write in their native language to each other. He had convinced them to sneak into hell and steal a glossory for the demonic language during his latest letter and excitedly waited for the chance to learn it. Remy always sounded so hot when they spoke it- As soon as he caught himself thinking of the demon as attractice he forced himself to think of something else, like reciting prayer.

--

Nothing was in his mailbox when he checked but to his surprise the mailman came by a few hours later with not one but two packages for him both adressed from his old apartment. He thanked the mailman and quickly closed the door so that he could let out a high pitched squeal and fly around in a circle in his room until he'd calmed down enough to make some tea and put on a relaxing record on his gramphone.

He made himself comfortable by his desk and opened the first package while his wings continued to flap enough to make the papers on his desk twirl around. It contained the glossory he had requested and he held it close to his chest before turning to the other package.

It held a single record and a tiny note reading "Play me!"

For the first side of the record it was just normal jazz songs, some that he recognised and some new ones Remy must have thought he would enjoy (he did). But when he flipped it to the next side instead of music starting there was an unsure cough and a bit of static before he heard Remy for the first time in 5 years say.

"Hey Angel!"

It was a good thing he was already sitting down or he would have collapsed on the spot. He scrambled to move closer to the gramophone and nearly gave into the urge to hug the machine.

"I know a guy- you know what I mean by know- who like works in audio and stuff and I asked him if he could like put speech on record as well as he can put music on record, and if you're like hearing this I guess he could. Anyway I suuuupper hope you liked the music, I choose it just for yyyyooouuuuuuu"

"I did" The angel replied even though he knew they couldn't hear him.

"OH! And like another thingie. Sssso like not seeing you for this long it's like- I've thought about you a lot more y'know? Since it always takes some like time between when I write and get your response I like go around for weeks wondering what you'll like write back and it feels totally weird to just like go around referring to you as Angel in my head 'cause like you're AN angel not Angel y'know? It's weeeiiirdd"

The sound of paper getting unfolded was followed by Remy clearing their throat.

"So I made like a list of names I like so tell me if you like any of them so we can like decide on an official Angel name. Okay Here I go. Mildred. Doris- You look like a Doris- Milo. Uhh Thomas? I dunno. Ellis. Shirley and of course..Barbara!"

The paper got thrown away.

"So yeah tell me if you like any of them or got like other ideas. In other like news my demon friend convinced me to go and hear this like Edith Piaf lady sing? It was pretty sick- Ah shit okay okay my audio human is telling me to go- Okay well talk to you later Angel- Uhhh love you?" Remy audible took a step away "Hey girlie can we like cut this audio afterwards. I'm not like sure I wann have that last bit i-"

The record stopped and The angel stayed with his head laid against the bottom of the machine for another few minutes before turning the record on from where Remy first started talking.

--

My dear Remy

I received your record. It was lovely to hear your voice again!

(Within the margins of the paper he doodled Betty Bopps blowing kisses)

I have tried to learn some basic phrases in your language. Here I go:

I̸͍̔̚ ̸̧͔̫́̕̕L̸̨̑͂Ì̷͖͇̰̔V̶͉̈́͠Ȩ̵̈ ̸̤̐͘Ï̵̮̩͑N̵͚̈́͌ ̸̫̦͋A̷̡̦̟͗ ̶̢̪̔̋͂ͅH̸̺͛͝Ö̶͍̊U̷͖̹͛̏͑S̴̢̳͗E̵̙̅͛.̷̥͊̔͠ ̴̞̩̜̋͗͗ ̵̜̣̮̈̀I̸̮͒̆̾ ̴̥͔̳́Ḷ̴̢̻̐Ỉ̵̗̄̈́K̶̦̄̏͠E̷̗̙̔ ̵̦̊D̶̳̀̏O̶͙͆̀G̸̣͐̆͝S̶͓̈́͜͝.̸̫̞͊́͠ ̴͔̰́̈́̅M̸͍̼̎̓̿Ẏ̴̭̾ ̸̦͑N̴͙̯͂͊̓A̶̮̥̎̀M̸̺͆͘E̵̟̭͗̑͝ ̸̤́͘Î̷̘̬̺̑S̷̟͐̽͘ ̷̡͎̫̽̂Ń̵̙̀Ō̸̤̃T̶̬̠̎Ḩ̴͎͒̋͊Ḯ̵͇̯͌͆Ṋ̸̗̀͜͠G̷̜̤̐

Tell me if I wrote it correctly :DD And speaking of the last thing with my name I love your suggestions !!! Not sure I want to be called any of those names though ?? I have never choosen a name before so I don't know when a name feels right. Did you choose your name? I had always assumed you chose it because you enjoy sleeping but now that I think about it you don't seem like you would know what the REM sleep is, no offense. Is the feeling of finding a name similar to when you change your body? I started out with both a male head and body but when i tried out a female body with a male head I had a feeling of peace and I have not changed back since. Is it similar?

By the way I heeded your advice and I now officially have a friend who isnt you or my current human! We play board games together and I don't wish to brag but some of them are quite trendy and new. Like this one boardgame called "Sorry!" You might not recognize it. How the tables have turned Remy. Now im the modern one!

Now on the next page I have written a detailed review of the latest Betty Boop short film. I hope you enjoy it! It was very good!

__

My dear Remy

Just this once please burn this letter after you have read it. I fear what would happen if anyone in heaven read this but I have to admit that my human dying soon is bringing me a great sense of relief. Both that I will not have to see him anymore and that I hopefully get to live in another country.

Despite my human working in the human biology department I have not been able to take part in any science work. The only reason any of those humans would want me in a scientific setting would be to measure the width of my skull and every time I see my human he scowls at me and refuses to call me by my name, I am not even sure he is aware he has met me more than once or if he has only seen me as far as my skin.

I wish I could love every human equally. I know I should. I really am trying to love him and remind me why he belongs in Heaven. I am finding it hard. I don't think I would ever be able to tell this to anyone but you

Love, Your Angel

--

"-So anyway yeah i would totally go over and punch that cunt human for you if you wanted me to, or like seduce him so he'll go to hell. Prommy. Tho I doubt my lovely Angel would let me do that, would you now.

Oh by the way yeah with the name thing I chose Remy and it was I dunno I like how R sounds. RRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRemy! Like a motor starting. So I thought like a cute and soft and like tots fluffy name would fit you so here are my like new suggestions. Pip, Noah, uhhm Daisy, Iris, Lucie and Oh Rhiannon! The last one reminds me of this animal I've heard of. its a rhino. Like a unicorn kinda? You should go ask about it at a library. its like super cool! And also this other day I seduced this human and he had a tattoo! And he wasnt even a pirate! lemme tell you-"

--

1930

The angel relistened to the latest record as he went to bed. His friend's voice lulled him into a peaceful sleep most of the time, sometimes he got sinful dreams but he told himself he only got them because he was listening to a succubi.

During his early morning shower after having woken up from such a dream an idea floated into his mind on how to repay Remy for the records. First thing when the shops had opened he went out and bought a camera.

His human was going to die in two days in a traffic accident and he would finally get to leave this dreadful country, but as he walked through town with the camera in his bag and imagined what images to send to Remy the landscape suddenly seemed so beautiful. The cold weather suddenly seemed worth it if it meant snow fell onto trees and the disgusting food suddenly seemed a bit pleasant when he pictured the fisherman leaving on their boats for work.

Still he controlled himself and only took few a pictures...as well as several sketches of dogs he walked past, and told himself he would take more once he got to his new place.

--

"GIRL I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE LIKE A PHOTOGRAPHER! No really it looks so fucking cool over there. What country are you in now did you say??"

The sounds of Remy scrambling through The angel's letters was heard before they quieted for a few seconds.

"It's on a continent I've never like been on I think ??? But I'm super happy for you! And uh there not being like a cinema there only means you gotta start your own! Nothings sexier than a business man y'knoooooow. So in other news Giiirl sit down if you aren't already 'cause I have got to update you on the demon drama that's been going on! You Remember Susan right!? That demon who-"

--

"My dear Remy

After having friends for a little time now i must admit i have gotten a bit confused. Though they are all my beloved friends i feel for none of them what i feel for you.

I suppose that means you are what people call....my best friend? :D

Love, Your best friend!

PS. I'll write another letter about the new Mickey Mouse cartoon (he's so cute I want a plushie) tomorrow and post the 2 together. This realization just made me so excited I had to write it down prompto!!"

The angel felt a bit shameful as he finished writing it and put it into the envelope. He wasn't quite as oblivious as he pretended to be. He knew the word for what he was feeling fully well, he simply refused to say it.

1938

After returning home from his beloved weekly boardgame club with his beloved human he was somehow even more delighted by finding a package for him at his door.

When he opened it two blurry pictures fell out. They showed Remy loosely dressed laying in the window of a large apartment with a lazy smile on their lips. Along with it a note reading "Seduced a photographer recently. Your still my fav photgrapher tho <3 sorry for the record"

The last bit made him eye the record checking for any hints of crude language or sinful lyrics as if staring at it would reveal it's contents. After some pacing and flying around his room he finally put it on and the first side was as always a mix of songs made just for him. It made fireflies flutter in his stomach as always and the fluttering only intesified from anticipation when he moved to turn the record to the other side.

The angel bit his lip waiting to hear his friend's voice but instead of the usual cheery greeting he heard the static of the audio recorder and the sound of a bottle being set down on a table.

"my audio guy left a bit ago cause I said I could fix it myself cause i like didnt want him to hhhhheeaarrrrrrrrRRRRARRGGHHHHH"

There was silence for a moment before a deep sigh.

"I got a new boyfriend. His name is Thomas and he's obv a succubi but uhm not in my squadron. And he's like sweet and lets me boss him around and stuff but I haven't told him that I've- I've had sex with my manager. Do you think I should? I mean like fucking humans is our job but the manager isn't a human. Like he's a demon. Is it cheating if I don't tell him. I mean it's not like I'm fucking the manager right now but I don't know if it will like happen again"

The angel's heart seized for a second at the mention of a boyfriend. It felt as if a hand had punched through his chest and gripped around the vessels of blood keeping him alive.

He forced himself to take a deep breathe and shook his head around to get the thought out of his head.

"I don't think I've like explained to you how uhh prudish succubi can be by certain shit. Like fucking a manager is a BIG no no. HUGE. And I haven't told anyone I've done it but my squadron members have noticed the times I stayed behind after the monthly meeting y'know? I get it's like annoying seeing someone get favoritism just 'cause they're ready to put out and like everyone loves talking gossip so I'm not mad that they've spread rumors 'bout me. I just worry Thomas' gonna hear..There's already been people who've stopped talking to me 'cause of it. and AGAIN i don't blame them! It's just fucking annoying not being able to explain!"

He leant his forehead against the base of the gramophone and wished he could somehow send telepathic hugs.

The record was silent for so long the angel began to think Remy had simply ended their message without saying goodbye until he heard a slight sob and he realized Remy had just moved away from the microphone to cry.

They moved back close to the microphone and he could heard them sucking snot back into their nose and taking a shakey breathe.

"I'm just sorry Angel. sorry I'm- I've been like drinking and I'm just like. I'm sorry i never came to visit you. I know I promised. I'm sorry. I want to see you so fucking bad Angel and you don't know how like guilty I feel for not seeing you but- but every time I spend any extra time on earth that isn't just seducing humans the manager just looks so sly and fucking- argh- if he gets the tiniest chance he'll claim I spent a SuSPIciOus amOUnT of time on earth and I'll have to do something for him and it like- Fuckkkk you're not gonna get this. I am fully aware I like do the same thing with my audio guy to get him to help me with stuff too so I don't like get to complain 'bout the manager situation but it feels different okay? Like with the audio guy I choose when I wanna do it and with the manager it's all in his hands and like yeah I can guess it will be after the monthly meeting but i never know if he's gonna ask me to stay behind or not and if he does I never know if he just feels like messing with my head or like pulls the SuSPiCIOUs aMount of time excuse and like he can send me up to heaven or take away my sight or whatever else so like what- What-"

It was quiet for another while before he heard Remy as quielty as they had every sounded mumble.

"I'm a succubus, He says I seduced him. And it's true when he got suspicious of me I was the one who suggested sex. I brought it on myself....- I'm sorry, record's running out. Don't feel guilty. I'll talk to you later Angel. Sorry. I love-"

The record ended and The angel was left sitting in his dark apartment with the only light being the steady flicker of pink coming from his halo. His hand shook a bit as he moved to put on the record again from the start. Hearing Remy cry made his heart ache but he wanted to hear it again so he was sure of what to write to make them feel better.

--

Remy held the latest letter close to their heart as they laid cooconed up under the blanket of their bunk bed in hell. They hid the letters and pictures that showed The angel's face inside their pillow while the rest of the pictures got taped up on the wall near them. On bad days they could stare at the pictures for hours dreaming themself away into the fields of corn or next to the flower holding up the ladybug or swimming in the cool stream ripe with tiny fish.

Some of the reviews of animated shorts they taped up as well since they could play it off as simply being human reviewers. But most of it was hidden in the pillow and before sleep they would hide under their blanket and take out a picture the angel had gotten one of his board game buddies to take off him and the demon would kiss the photo goodnight.

They traced their finger along the letters on the page snickering at the angel's best attempts at threatening the manager.

"Please don't come see me if it hurts you. I will care for you just as much if I never see you again as if I see you every day. Control is more powerful than tempatation ever can be, there is no scenario where this can ever be your fault, I swear to God on that. Stay safe for me please

Love, Your Angel

Ps. In another life I wish I could have been assigned to guard over you. I would protect you with a might stronger that Heaven could ever imagine"

--

"-Oh and so I don't forget to like say it I broke up with Thomas. It wasn't 'cause of the manager thing 'cause he's the type who only listens to rumors if I tell him bout them. It was for...Another reason. That we like don't have to bring up- Or I mean" They laughed nervously "I guess I can say it. I kiiinnndddaaa miiggghhht like someone else. I've liked them for a while but I was kinda hoping maybe dating someone else would make me like move past my crush but it didn't help and I didn't wanna hurt Thomas' feelings.

Ssssoooo yeah that's what going on. Talk to you later! Kiss! Love ya!

...And thanks for your last letter. I've like reread it a ton. I dunno what I would do without you in my life"

1941

"I GOT IT ANGEL! I RAN TO SUCK OFF MY AUDIO GUY TO TELL YOU SOOO FAST! I GOT IT! Your name! Okay okay here me out here 'cause I like used alllll of my brain for this one, explain that with your psychology! So here it goes...Emile! Eh? Eh? Any good? Lemme explain. I went to like a library- don't laugh- and looked this thingie up. You see the guy who like made the gramophone he was called Emile Berliner!! And I thought y'know since we've- or Like I have at least been communciating with you thru a gramophone and we danced together all the time when you were here- uh it just reminds me of you. or like honestly just hearing music does remind me of you but gramophones especially. So Emile? You like it?.....Okay I should probably tell you bout the rest of my life right now now but it feels awkard after dropping that huge suggestion-"

The angel paused the record and stayed looking at it for a few minutes. It was as he moved his hand up to scratch at his cheek that he realized they were red hot from blushing.

He parsed his lips and felt his chin shudder a little as he whispered "...Emile.......Emile?"

He tasted the word and smacked his lips before repeating it again. He let his hand run down his neck along his chest and down to his thigh, feeling the body he felt at home with and wondered if that body would accept the name Emile.

He made himself comfortable by his desk and wetted the ink.

'My dear Remy

I think I quite like the name. I think I want to hear you say it

Love, Your Emile'

--

Emile's heart was pounding out of his chest and he repeatedly checked so no one was looking at him as he sneaked inbetween the library shelfs pertaining to the human body. He couldn't let anyone know he had read them so instead of borrowing the books he only eyed through them as quick as he could. He had already gone through the books on religion he could find.

For something the higher ups deemed so seemingly important he assumed there would a clear definition of it but no matter where he looked he couldn't find any clear boundaries of what did and didn't count as masturbating.

Once he got home he dragged a chair followed by the gramophone into the bathroom and put on a recent record where Remy had said his name several times. He knew when the part where they said it came and took off his clothes and jumped in the shower while waiting.

When the record came to that point and Remy half jokingly sung a popular new jazz song but replaced the name with Emile over and over to get used to using the name The angel 'accidentally' put the shower head inbetween his thighs.

--

Sleeping made Emile feel connected to Remy. He would lull himself into a peaceful sleep by either letting the music the demon sent him or their voice play. Usually he woke up because of the sun shining in or the birds singing and he would stay with his eyes asleep for a few minutes and pretend like Remy was laying on the pillow beside him.

Other times he would wake up drenched with sweat on his forehead because of sinful dreams, along with being drenched among other places.

And one night he closed the blinds and waited until the deep dark of the night before putting on one of their records on and hiding away under two layers of blankets to try and shield himself from any watching eyes from above. He had steeled himself to do as the books he had read said and self pleasure but once he actually sat there with pants unbuttoned his hands shook so hard from anxiety he couldn't do a thing.

He sat frustrated with himself with the gramophone playing until pathetic tears had filled his eyes and his stomach felt sick from shame. The action of vomiting was so alien to him he didn't realize what was happening until his mouth was filled with bile and he had to run to the toilet to throw up.

Vomiting must have been a sign from above that he had done something awful to which Emile banged his halo into the wall until the pain in his head was so severe it felt like his skull would crack.

The most sinful part of all was that after all of that that same night he still wetted his pen with ink and wrote to the demon.

"My dear Remy

You stir my sleep. I would blame it on your succubi powers somehow making it's way over to me through your voice, though we both know that is not true. I wake up dreaming you are there beside me and I fall asleep wanting your hands on me. If your hips were Hell I would give it all up to meet you there.

I wish this was a sudden bout of insanity but it is in reality a slow growth in my brain that I have not spoken to you about for years. This letter is one of penance. I'm sorry. Every time I've heard you had a new boyfriend I wished to make away with him. Even in the beginning I had those thoughts.

I don't know whether me lusting for you is worse than the other L word I fear I feel for you but I think it is telling I can not get myself to write the second.

I'm sorry for placing this burden of confession on you. Even after this I wish to have you keep stirring me in my sleep.

Love, Your Emile"

1942

Emile didn't get a response. The new year's passed and his mailbox turned dusty.

His human fell ill and would pass by the summer. He grieved together with the family in advance and grieved for the loss of his friendship.

It must have been his fault. What he had written had been too much for Remy.

He kept havings moments where in the deep dark of the night he would become unable to breathe and sob uncontrollable until he threw up. It must be Heaven punishing him. He stopped sleeping and devoted himself to prayer during the night. What use was sleeping if it didn't make him closer to Remy anyway.

The rainy season came and went and only made his human sicker. The newspapers were all filled with misery and all of his shoes were damp.

On an early morning he walked into town to buy a new pair and watched the sunset rise above the grassy plains. He had his camera in his backpack, he could take a picture of it, but he saw no reason to. The colors seemed dull and muddled.

The stores had just started opening when he got to the city center and he halfheartedly waved to one of his boardgame friends.

Through the window to the shoe shop he saw the shoemaker already talking to another customer so he waited outside for another few seconds. The customer held the door open for him as they left but Emile let the door shut in front of him. A chill ran up his spine as he felt the slight smell of a demon nearby.

He spun around wide eyed, even glancing up at the sky hoping to see a glimpse of demon wings.

Behind him he heard someone speaking in broken swahili, clearly reading straight from a dictionary. "You- You know city center is?" He heard them ask.

Emile turned to see Remy speaking to a random local. For a moment it was as if the entire town sunk away into oblivion and the angel could only see them. His wings expanded and were ready to take off towards them, he only managed to stop himself because of the humans nearby.

"REMY!! REMY!" He yelled while waving his arms around.

The demon looked away from the human and dropped their dictionary on the ground to run up to him. Emile instantly pulled them into a tight hug and rocked side to side. He put his hand against the back of their head to keep them close and closed his eyes to stop himself from crying of joy.

He felt their arms press against his back and their warm breathe against his neck.

"I found you" Remy whispered "I Found you"

Emile moved back from the hug but let his hands stay on their shoulders "Why didn't you respond!?" His cheeks reddened "DID YOU GET MY LETTER?"

"Your apartment got destroyed-"

"Huh?!"

"The whole city got like bombed. Ugh girl you don't wanna see Europe right now, it's a mess! Your apartment and like mail got destroyed with it- Don't worry I keep your letters in Hell so they didn't get destroyed. I just like had your adress to go off on so I've been like asking around the country till I found you!" Remy leaned in and cupped his cheeks while eyeing him up and down "And giiiirrrrl you're like two shades darker!"

"Well it helps to finally live in a country that isn't despressingly dire with the weather. Your hair has gotten so long!" He ran his finger through it "You look so pr- So proper!"

"You look ssooooo good too! OH! I've been ssssuper looking forward to this" They cleared their throat and fluttered their eyelashes while leaning close to The angel's ear and murmuring "Heeey Emile!"

Emile could feel his heart plummeting through his stomach and out his ass while his entire face went red. His fingers dug down into Remy's shoulders to keep himself upright.

"HiiiIIIiiiI" His voice broke in two different spots.

Remy just laughed before smiling in that way that made Emile melt even more.

"Did- Did you get my latest letter? About my- my uhm sleep problems?"

"Pfff? Sleep problems....Uhm...Lemme think. No. No. Your like mailbox musta been destroyed before I could get it. Sad" Remy lied "But I'm here now! And I won't let you go!"

"You're staying?"

"Wow girl your eyes just went up like two sizes but yeah. Mind if I stay ov-"

"FEEL FREE! Nyumba yangu ni nyumba yako- That's uh My house is your house. ORRRRR in your langauge m̶̨̹̖̱͖͒̑ͅỹ̴̥̤͍̑̀ ̸̨̛̟͂͗̅͐̉ḧ̴̹́̐́̂̕͝ő̶̞̎͛͋̀̚u̷̢̲̗͍̜̬̾̊̓̽s̶̹͇̣̬͓̊̿̀̕̕ͅe̵̢̛̥̼͕͍͍͆͋͛̀̐̓ ̴̯̦͈͒̓̑̿̾ì̷̘̝̲̅̎̀̈s̶̝̟̠͈̉̂ ̶̢̘̤̻͇̍̄͌̌̔̌͐ÿ̸̨́ͅơ̶̫̿̑͐ǔ̵̥̳̜͌̽̽̌͌ř̷̳̘̈́̊͌͊̄ ̷̢̩̗͓̦͗͆̊̄̀̊͘h̸̝̗͖͇͛̉͊͊o̸͚͍͛̑̌ͅů̵̼̝͚̜͗̐̚ś̷̼̙̻́͋̎̄͝e̵̮̒̀̑͌͂"

Remy shimmied their shoulders "OOOh girl hearing you speak like that totally gave me shills all over"

--

It was only later that evening once Remy was in the shower and Emile had a moment for the pink clouds of joy to disparse and think critically that he remembered why the demon hadn't visited in so long. He sat on the edge of his bed and listened to the water pooling down into the shower drain and tried not to imagine the shampoo he had bought being used by the demon.

He flinched when Remy walked out in one of his shirts that fit so loosely on them it could work as a nightgown if they weren't so tall.

"It smells like angel" They commented while sitting down next to him.

"What about the manager?"

"You ever heard of living in the moment Emile. Emile. Emile. Emile. Sawry girl I'm just like so excited I get to like call you that to your cute face"

The angel pressed on "Are you going to get hurt if you stay here?"

"I mean....I've like already spent enough time on earth he's gonna be pissed at me no matter so I might as well stay with you as long as I can. Okay?"

They placed their hand against his knee and Emile nodded.

"Okay"

"Good. now girlie" They laid back and made themself comfortable on the bed before patting the spot next to them "Tell me bout the new psychology theories or like mickey the mouse or whatever. Just talk! I've missed your voice ssssoooo fucking much! Just talk and talk. I won't sleep for a single second when I'm with you I prommy"

Emile laid down beside them to which they immediately moved to rest their head against his chest while letting their finger draw circles on his stomach while he told them about Snow white for the seventh time.

--

For a blissful month they spent nearly every moment together. Emile showed them how to use a camera to take pictures of his favorite bugs. They went swimming together on a warm afternoon and he let his wings dry in the sun. Remy teached him the newest dance moves and they danced until their legs were sore.

A few times Remy went out to feed and Emile assured him he was fine with the demon taking their humans home to him in case they didn't have anywhere else to go, but Remy just looked at him like he'd told him to throw chicken shit at him before disappearing for a few hours.

The night before his human would die he promised to come back and get Remy as soon as he knew where his new human lived. Luckily his new human lived on the same continent, only a few countries away. They flew together the whole distance.

"My monthly meeting was yesterday" Remy suddenly spat out, in the middle of a quiet moment of them painting their nails and Emile mending one of his cardigans.

"But we went sightseeing all day yesterday?? Can you clone yourself!?"

"Naaah. I just skipped"

"Skipped?"

"Girl. Are you losing your hearing"

"It's a meeting with your higher up you don't simply skip those!!"

Remy shrugged "He would have been mad anyway. I didn't wanna deal with it-"

"WHAT- WHAT IF-" He took a deep breathe before whispering as if simply speaking it would make it happen "What if he punishes you in those horrible ways you've told me about!?"

"...That..That won't happen"

Their voice wavered in that way a person lying to shield their loved one did.

"Promise me you'll go to the meeting next month. You can say that you ate a bad piece of human food and got sick"

Remy twisted their pinky finger around his "I promise"

--

They got to spend another blissful month together with the threat of the manager always lingering somewhere in the back of both of their minds. Until the day of the meeting came and Remy scrubbed their body in the shower for over an hour to get the smell of angel away from them.

Before they had gotten in the shower Emile had made sure to hug them long and hard.

He stood in the gavel of the door and waved them off as they went up to hell and for two hours afterwards he sat still waiting on the poarch. He was so anxious he felt ill to his stomach and he was unable to move aside from flinching at every sound that could be the demon coming back.

"Emile!! Emy! EmEm!" Remy yelled as they stumbled back home to him with the same excitment in their voice as the first they had called him Emile.

"Remy!" His legs stale and cramped from sitting still for so long creaked as he ran up to them and cupped their face in his hands.

One of their eyes was nearly shut from how swollen it was and what could be seen of their eyewhite had turned bloodshot. Dried blood trailed from their nose down to their chin, but worst of all the ring finger on their hand was completely limp and swelling.

"DID HE BREAK YOUR FINGER? WHERE IS HE!? I WILL HAVE A SERIOUS TALK WITH HIM" His wings spread out and started to flutter up a storm.

"He sensed like some faint angel smell on me and questioned me for like foreveeeeer" Their voice was slightly loopy "I didn't let anything slip!"

Emile brushed their hair behind their ear and met their eyes "You have to stop putting yourself in danger for my sake"

"Then you have to stop being so sweet"

"Urrggh! You can be so frustrating when you want to be!"

The angel helped them to the bathroom and sat them down on the floor before wettening a towel to wash their bruised face. He held their shaking hand while wrapping the broken finger in bandages.

"Look at you Dr. Doctor" Remy teased.

"He's clearly not even good at breaking bones" Emile muttered back "The bone did not break cleanly so I have to guess this was his first time"

Remy sighed "You're so hot right now"

"What?"

"W-What?"

The angel looked back down at the bandages and didn't notice Remy looking at him with a soft look of fondness.

"He only beat me to try and like make me talk. Nothing more. We didn't fuck"

"He hurt you Remy, that's all that matters"

"I just wanted you to know we didn't....." They shifted their feat and fiddled with the edge of their shirt "Emi I lied"

He looked up and gazed at them with those big golden eyes "About what?"

"....I did get your letter. I got to it before your apartment got all blown up"

Emile let go of their hand and felt a cold sensation sink down his throat "And- And you've read it?"

"Yeah"

"I- I'm sorry-"

Remy leant forward and put their unbroken hand against the back of the angel's neck so their faces were close together "You stir my sleep as well"

He let out an unintelligible noise of surprise and without realizing tears of relief brimmed at his eyes.

"Ever since I like first saw you sitting watching that goddamn autopsy I've been like toootally crazy for you"

Emile's mouth turned agape as his hands searched around against the demon until he grabbed ahold of the collar of their shirt and stuttered out "I- I want you. I've had sin-sinful thoughts of you"

Remy smiled "How often?"

"All-" He felt their lips graze against their shoulder and squeaked "All the time"

"Is this okay?" They asked and waited for him to nod before pressing another kiss to his shoulder.

His cheeks were red hot "Are you- Can you feed off of me?"

"Oh Emile you taste fucking amazing" Their expression faltered for a second and they blinked rapidly as if they had caught themself on the edge of a mistake "We can't do this-"

"I want you"

"Well....Well" Remy sputtered "Well like I guess it's like forbidden of us to like make love but like it's not forbidden if like one of us uhhh self pleasures while the other just happens to be here"

"Sounds logical to me!"

Neither of them were thinking right now, much less thinking logically.

Remy moved to sit just behind Emile and murmured into his ear once more asking if he was okay with this before putting their hands over his eyes when he said yes.

"Pretend I'm not even here" They whispered.

He could hear himself breathing, that's how quiet it was. When his sight disappeared every other sensation became all the more strong. His eyelashes fluttered against Remy's palms and all he wanted was to lean back against their chest.

Instead he focused on feeling their breathe against the back of his head as he let his shirt slip off his shoulders. He heard the demon's breathe hitch slightly and he moved his hands to try unbottun his pants but without sight it was impossible. He felt one of Remy's hands move down to unbutton it for him.

His hand was just about to travel down past the lining of his underwear when Remy suddenly moved their hands away and stood back up.

Their hands were trembling as they moved up to touch the soon to be black eye "No. No. We can't do this"

"But I want-"

"NO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!" Remy yelled and Emile stayed sitting on the floor with his pants at his ankles "I- I'm the succubus here! I know that lust does like crazy things to people's minds. You might like think right now you wanna give everything up for me but once you've come you'll realize your mistake and-"

"No one will find out" He said meekly.

"YES THEY WILL! THEY WILL! I can't let you do this! If anyone- If anyone finds out about us I'll like take the blame. I'll say I seduced you. 'Cause I did!"

"No you didn't"

"You don't know what you're saying right now!"

Emile dragged his pants back up and stood up so he could hold his hands on their shoulders "Please Remy, let me fall for you!-"

"You're just horny Em! it will pass"

"You don't get to tell me what I feel! I've spent just as many years as you thinking of what it is I feel for you!"

"Yeah well you've never been with anyone! What if you go fuck someone else and you realize what you're feeling for me is just lust in general! Or that they're better than me or-"

Emile pulled in their horn to make them shut up "But I love you! I! Love! You! And I'm tired of only you getting hurt to protect us. Please!Let me fall for you!"

"....You don't know what hell is like. You don't know what any of that shit is like"

"I'm a guardian angel!! I've been surronded by death all of my life! Hell doesn't scare me! If hell is where you came from it can't be completely bad"

Remy straightened their back to reach their full height making them tower over the angel. Their open eye had a tear just on the verge of slipping down to their cheek as they said through gritted teeth "I'm the succubi with experience 'bout this shit. It's my responsibility to make sure you don't make stupid decissions 'bout shit you have no idea about"

"We're both grown adults. You-"

"You're just an innocent aaaangel. You don't know nothing of like death. Nothing of sin. And certaintly nothing about actual lust. Your brain is just filled with fluffy bunnies and cotton candy and-"

Emile held his finger up to their lips "No. No. I have certaintly read enough psychology papers to know exactly what you are doing. You are just trying to push my buttons to push me away, and I won't let you" He moved his finger away but Remy stayed silent "Now, I will go sit in the other room and you can go join me once you've calmed down so we can have an actual conversation about this"

He went to the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed and waited. He could hear the demon pace back and forth with their tail thumping into the walls until they finally dragged themself into the bedroom with their tail between their legs.

They sat down just behind him and dropped their forehead to rest in the damp space between his shoulder blades while moving their arms around his waist.

"Emi I'm sorryyyyy. I didn't like mean any of that"

"I know"

The angel suddenly grabbed the tip of his tail and twirled the end nervously arround his finger. He was afraid they would disappear if he let go.

"Em even if you're like ready to fall for me I don't think I'm like- like ready to see you get hurt like that. I don't think you should. I'm not like worth it like at all"

"You never said it back" Emile mumbled.

Remy looked up to "What?"

"I love you. You never said it back"

"Emile of course I fucking love you! I love you! I just-" Their hand reached out to touch him but wavered mid air and their fingers twitched "I just don't think we can like see each other 'cause I like- I don't know how to be like near you without sinning if I know you- you want me right back"

"Do you want me to be honest?"

"Sure"

"I think you're being selfish" He took Remy's hand in his and pressed a kiss to their knuckles "But I understand that you have been hurt and you don't want to see me be hurt. I will wait until you're ready to let me fall-"

"Emi I'm not gonna let you fall. You don't belong in like hell"

"I told you. I will wait for you. We live long. one day you Will let me fall"

1955

His human died and Emile moved to another damp and cold country. He knew Heaven wasn't watching or else they would have stopped the things he saw from happening.

He knew there were good humans but making sure his singular humam didn't sin began to seem pointless when he read about a dead 14 year old in the newspapers next to the photograph of his open casket.

At no time did he stop keeping watch of his human but silently he stopped putting as much effort into it. Sometimes he would be away for weeks at a time as he had to travel to find psychological instititues that would allow him to study.

1957

After a lot of bugging Emile had finally went and bought a record player just in time to get his first vinyl sent by Remy where they ranted and raved by this new up and coming star called Marilyn Monroe as well as telling him about the new binders they had bought to sort his photographs in.

He waited to hear them say I love you but they never did.

1959

Emile went and saw Sleeping Beauty 10 times in the cinema and every time he choked up at the moment the prince finally kissed her. He imagined himself as Aurora, laying in waiting for the one he loved to finally reach him.

Remy only dared to see him briefly in person once or twice per year and he understood in a way, he knew that the broken finger wasn't the only fracture they had gotten during interogations, but he still couldn't help but fell saddened about it.

1964

With the invention of the casette Emile could for the first time record messages back to Remy. He quickly got a habit of talking for so long that he had to mail multiple casettes at once, he couldn't help it there was just so much to tell them with how he had started to discover animated movies made in the soviet union and in japan. He had even seen some in south america. As well as the psychology field focusing increasingly on cognitive theories.

He had heard whiffs of psychologists experimenting with how the brain reacted to the new drugs gaining populatiry though Emile didn't need to read up on any of those studies since he got sent cassetes of Remy blubbering on about how much they adored them while high on lsd.

"Giirrrlll you're like so beautifufll especially your new elephant trunk. It's like soo sexy. Really like adds to your like halo glow and stuff" They would sludder on and on.

1965

The next year when his human died and his next human spat in his face at their first meeting Emile cried to his casette player for an hour trying to convince himself his human was somehow a morally good person.

It finally convinced the last part of him that still believed that Heaven was watching that they could not be, not on him at least.

The next time he got a casette from Remy he reslistened to their voice over and over. They had recorded it early in the morning right after waking up and he could tell because their voice sounded more rough. He played his favorite part back on repeat before putting the casette recorder on and he recorded the sound as he masturbated for the first time.

When no hellish rain came down from Heaven Emile put the casette in a package and wrote a note along with it explaining what was on it while joking about how it was payback for when Remy kept telling him about the leather fetish clubs they had visited during the 50s. Though really the note was just there so he was sure Remy could consent to hearing it. At the back of the note he added that he had sinned and nothing bad had happened so please couldn't they meet up again and hold hands at least.

Remy's response was absolutely blissfull. They ranted and raved and told him how proud they were of him for not letting Heaven's purity shame shackle him. They spent at least 15 minutes giving him advice on how to make it more pleasurable and where to buy lube among other things discreetly.

At the end of their message with a sudden shift in tone they muttered out

"But like a singular angel rubbing one out ain't shit. What we're doing is treason. If we kiss or whatever they will know. The manager knows somethings up if I'm just near you. We- We can't. I lo-...... I'll talk to you soon Emile"

1974

Another message clearly recorded after Remy had smoked themself high.

"Okay this is gonna sound stupid as shit but some succubi asked me out and I said yeeeesss and I got through like 3 dates before I had to call it quits 'cause I was just thinking of you Emi. I like knew from the start I would only be like thinking of you so it was shitty of me I knoooow. Emile you want me to be honest? 'Cause like to be honest my life is shit right now and- and I'm like finding it harder to remember what am I like even trying to protect by not being with you!? I just feel so paranoid all the fucking time if I'm not listening to your voice"

1975

During a casette where Remy had just been telling him about the cities they had recently visited they suddenly started to sob uncontrollably for no reason that they explained and it pained him that he couldn't physically comfort them, he couldn't even directly respond to them.

1976

Remy didn't show up to the meeting that the two of them had planned. Emile was left waiting at the resturant for 2 hours before the waitress had to ask him to leave.

1977

Emile let out a breathe of relief when he finally got a letter from Remy. It seemed strange that they hadn't sent a casette with it, not even an album of music they thought he would like. When he opened the letter a ticket fell out along with a short note.

'I got us tickets for Fleetwood mac. Amsterdam. 16 April.

I have to see you'

--

The entire flight to Amsterdam as Emile soared through the sky and ducked past birds he let his anger storm up inside of him while imagining the verbal lashing he would give Remy about leaving him dry for nearly a year. They better had a good excuse like another world war.

But the moment he saw them waiting on the street by the hotel they had booked for them all of that anger dispersed like a cloud after rain. All he could think was how long their legs looked in the jeans they were wearing and how well their sunglasses matched their horns. And their lips. Their kissable beautiful lips.

They waved their tail at him so he would notice them but he thought it would be impossible for him to not notice them.

He flew directly into an embrace that lifted the demon from the ground and he could feel them stroking their tail up and down his back.

"Emmiiiiiiiii!" They squealed.

He sat them down on the ground but his wings kept flapping so hard he had to circle around them which made the wind blow up around them.

Remy reached out and held his face in their hands to stop him "I'm sorry I disappeared I just like couldn't see you if I couldn't kiss you"

Emile's breathe hitched and all at once his wings stopped and he fell back down to the ground. Remy caught him so he didn't tumble.

"But you're seeing me now" Emile whispered.

"I know"

"Will you let me fall for you? Being a guardian angel already makes it so I have to say goodbye to all my friends every few years and I have no connection to Heaven! All combined I think I have spent less than 2 hours up there my entire life!" All of the desperate reasons he had come up with to try and convince them spilled out "You're the only true connection I have! Please!"

"...Let's...Let's go to the concert first. Sounds good girlie?"

"Sure"

He noticed the way they fidgeted and kept glancing at him when they got closer to the concert hall. He realized they were checking if he was going to panic about it being sinful and in turn it made him realize that he hadn't even considered the possibility that heaven would notice in any way if he went.

As they danced among the crowd Remy held his hands and kept holding them even inbetween the songs. The sounds of the music engulfed them both

Can you hear me calling

Out your name?

You know that I'm falling

And I don't know what to say

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

Oh, I

I want to be with you everywhere

--

The hotel room was dark once they got to it and Remy rushed to light some candles they had brought. They smelled of peaches and mango, Emile's favorite fruits. He chuckled as he watched them scurry around while he took off his jacket.

"Did you plan this?" He asked with a smile.

"You don't think the uh prince or whatever in Snow white toooottaly planned their romantic moment beforehand"

"Dear I regret to tell you the whole thing is kind of that their romantic moment wasn't planned"

"Well shit. Imagine I like used a good metaphor then"

Remy patted the bed down to make sure it was nice while closing the drapes with their tail. They left space for Emile to sit down beside them and he felt their tail immediately move to circle around his waist so he spread his wing across their back.

He playfully checked their face while saying "I'm just checking for any headinjuries since it's so unlike you to dare be around me for this long"

"Emi" They lightly grabbed his wrist "You know I'm IN love with you. I don't just love you, right?"

"Of course I know, You've told me in everything you do"

"Right right and I do and I just- I realized recently we've known each other for like over 50 years right??-"

"I think we're past 60 years actually"

"And that's longer than like most human relationships ever get to be! and we've spent all that time just circling around each other and I kept like questioning what the fuck I was even trying to protect anymore by not seeing you! Like the manager is gonna get pissed at me no matter what I do 'cause he's been a pissbaby at me ever since I like stopped fucking him! And it's not like I'm protecting you 'casue you don't wanna be protected! And I'm not risking losing friendships 'cause most of them dropped me when I started fucking the manager so I dunno. I just. I just..." Remy pressed a kiss to his knuckles "I wanna be with you y'know?"

Emile let out a breathe of relief "Honey I think I've waited decades for you to say that"

"But you gotta remember what will happen if anyone finds out. Okay? Like no more heaven, no more looking over humans. You will like be stuck with me. I don't- I've never seen a angel fall before- I don't know what happens to them- I don't think they die- But I dont know what"

"Most of that sounds positive to me. Well aside from the dying of course. Have you thought about what will happen to you?"

"Yeah...Yeah I will probably be punished....So. So if it's okay with you I think we should run away. Like if I don't return to Hell they can't get me you get me? We can just get like a nice place on earth and like chill out together"

"That sounds lovely" Emile inched a bit closer and held his hand against their cheek "...Can I...Can we kiss?"

He had daydreamed about this moment for so long his whole body stood tensed now that it was actually going to happen. He looked with all his hope into Remy's eyes and it felt as if a whole army of fireworks went off all at once inside him when he heard them murmur.

"Sure we can. I would give up everything for you Emi"

"I would give anything to be with you as well"

Remy guided him with their hand against the back of his head and the other against his back as they leant in and kissed him softly on the lips.

He let out a high pitched squeak that made them laugh and kiss him right on the tip of his nose.

"Can we do that again?"

In response Remy tilted their head and pressed their lips against his harder this time, so he nearly felt lightheaded from it, and let him fumble for where on their body to put his hands. He settled on their hips and they let their tongue run against the inside of his lip. He closed his eyes and leaned further in until they were practically chest to chest.

-

"Did that feel good?"

Emile laughed so his nose scrunched while running his fingers through Remy's hair "Yes. You've alreayd asked me once"

"Well I just like want your first time to be totally completely good" They laid with their head against his chest, right between his boobs "You got some great inbuilt pillows y'know"

He lightly tapped at their forehead "Don't fall asleep now!"

"Oh right I forgot you got the stamnia of like decades of pent up horniness"

"Is that oka-"

"Babe I can do this for like 12 hours if that's what you want. I can probably push it to 18 hours just for you!"

They moved to press kisses against his breast while letting their fingers explore the crevices between the folds of fat around his gorgeous waist. They felt the slights bumps from stretch marks and freckles. They felt a tug in the end of their tail and looked to Emile to see him pointing at his lips so they leant up and kissed him.

"I want to suck you off" Emile mumbled against their lips, his eyes gazing up to meet theirs "I read about it in a book"

"Do you like actually know how it works or do you want me to like explain?"

"I wanna try for myself"

Remy kissed them again "Sure babe"

-

Emile jokingly clinged to them when Remy tried to get up from the properly sweaty bed "Hydration is like the cornerstone of sex babe"

"So is cuddles I theorize" He replied while slowly letting go of them, he stayed in the bed with the blanket bundled up around his feet and enjoyed watching them walk towards the kitchen butt naked.

"That is sooo true babe! This is why you're the like scientist of us two" They picked up the two cups the hotel left on the desk by the bed and went to fill them up in the bathroom.

By the time they had stepped a foot through what they thought was the door to the bathroom it was already too late to turn back.

The door had opened to Hell.

Disoriented and swearing they didn't open it to Hell they swung around to try and look back to the hotel room but the door had already closed behind them.

The stark white walls of Hell's halls blinded them making the cups fall and shatter on the ground around their feet.

Strong arms moved around their shoulders and held them stuck in place. All they could do was crane their neck back to see The Manager looking down at them.

With four of his arms around them and the other two on his hips he towered over them, staring with his blood orange eyes.

"How nice to see you in your work uniform" He said drily and when Remy immediately tensed up he snickered "Oh come on. I've seen you naked before"

"I was in the middle of working" They lied.

"No you weren't"

"I was-"

"Don't make it worse by bullshitting!"

The doors to the meeting hall opened and a slew of other more powerful demons walked in, some with four arms, others with six like The Manager, even one lagging behind with only three. The door closed behind them and they stayed standing along a line as if waiting for something, none of them seemed interested in Remy.

The Manager leaned down so his short beard scratched against the side of Remy's face and they shuddered "I've had my eyes on you but no evidence. I've just been waiting and waiting for you to do something with an Angel that would be such a fuck up there would be no way for you to hide it. And a demon and angel fucking isn't exactly something that goes unnoticed now does it"

"I seduced him!"

"I don't care who seduced who! And Heaven doesn't either! It's very black and white Remy! Either you had sex with an Angel or you didn't! And you did! Your Angel will be here any second now I think"

It was at that moment Remy began to trash around and kick their feet to try and get away from the manager "I SEDUCED HIM!" They cried out again.

A bright light lit up in a ring on the ceiling creating a hole to Heaven and for a few brief seconds it simply shone before a single body fell through and landed with a harsh thud on the marble floor.

It was Emile still half wrapped up in the bed cover with his halo glowing a shallow pink. He blinked rapidly while looking around trying to make sense of where he was while his wings spread out and got ready to fly.

His eyes turned wide as they landed on Remy while his body tensed up "REMY!"

"EMILE! It's okay! I'm here!"

"Aw you've given the angel a name. That's cute. Like a giving a nickname to a puppy" The manager commented.

The former Angel's wings started to flap when he saw the way the manager was holding his Remy.

His body had just began to lift off the ground when the other demons in the room all bombarded him at once. They pushed him back down to the ground and pressed him stomach down against the floor, some keeping their feet on his wrists while another held his face down.

Remy could see his eyes still looking to them and they tried to desperately kick the back of their head into the Manager's head to make him let go but nothing budged.

"EMI! EMI!" They kept screaming because they couldn't do anything else.

In sheer terror they looked as one of the demons grabbed a steady hold around one of Emile's wings and began to pull, and he didn't stop pulling. Another demon joined in. And another. And they all pulled and dragged and twisted until they could hear the bone pop and break.

Emile let out a cry as the wing went limp against his back. The other wing kept trying to fend the demons off but they did the same to it.

But they didn't stop. They grabbed ahold of the first wing again and pulled harder this time until the skin that connected the wing to Emile's back started to tear apart and blood and muscle reaveled itself.

"STOP! STOP! HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING! I SWEAR! I FORCED HIM! I FORCED HIM!"

Emile sucked in a big shaky breathe and shut his eyes tight for a second before trying to look at Remy again, though his eyes were so blurry from tears it was hard to make anything out.

"I don't regret anything" His voice was thick from crying "I love you Remy"

"I love you too!"

"That's enough of that" The manager covered Remy's mouth with one of his free hands and made them watch as Emile's wing was pulled from his back.

One of the demons brought a hammer and another laid the limp wing on the ground. With one big swing the last connection between the wing and Emile's back was severed and the wing was left laying on the ground. It twitched for a few more seconds before going completely still.

They did the exact same for the other wing. All as Emile screamed and screamed until his voice turned hoarse and then he sobbed.

"You hear that? Listen closely" The Manager murmured into Remy's ear "Cause it's the last thing you're gonna hear"

The manager forced Remy down onto their knees and pressed his hand against their forehead. Not once did they let their eyes leave Emile. Not even when The Manager said those three words.

"Hear No Evil!"

The screaming instantly stopped. The crying too. The footsteps, the sound of bones cracking and blood dripping. Even the sound of their own breathing disappeared.

Followed by a wave of such pain Remy buckled over on the ground and writhed with their hands against their ears. The Manager no longer had to hold them down because they were unable to do anything anyway.

Remy's sight went in and out of being blurry and spotted in black but still they forced their head up to look to Emile.

It was so eerily silent as they watched the demon with the hammer drag it towards Emile's head at the same time as they other demons held his face down towards the ground.

The demon lined the hammer up towards the soft pink halo and shattered it.

Bits of the halo flew out and landed on the ground just like the shards of glass. They could see his mouth open in a cry but didn't hear it.

The demons checked so the halo was properly broken before one after another they began to trail away and leave the room.

Remy felt a kick in their side and turned to look up at The Manager giving them one last look before he too left the room and closed the door behind him.

The pain was still ringing through Remy's skull but they fought through it and dragged themself across the floor towards their Angel. Emile laid so still it scared them until they got closer and could see his chest heaving up and down.

"Emile" They whispered.

His lips parsed but no words came.

"Emi answer me, tell me you're like alright. Emi"

His mouth moved again and Remy got a creeping sense of dread of what had been done to them.

"Emi can you move? Like shake or nod your head"

He reached out a shaking hand and Remy gently took it. They kissed his palm and caressed his face.

He pointed to the bed cover that had been left on the floor and they laid it around him, enveloping in the warm fabric. Of course he wasn't nearly as used to others seeing him naked than they were. The blood from his back quickly colored it red.

Emile squeezed their hand and said something "Emi I can't hear you. I can't hear anything"

He slowed down his words and tried to mouth it syllable by syllable.

"...B...Blo..Blood loss. Blood loss" Remy repeated while watching him "..N...Nee...Need med...Medicine. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Makes sense. Like- Like needle and thread shit?"

He nodded weakly.

"Okay. Okay. I'm like. I don't like us staying here 'cause like I dunno when or if like the manager is gonna come back or some other fuck so I'm like gonna have to move you. Okay Emi?"

Another nod.

"Okay. Like pinch me or something if it hurts too much or I gotta slow down or something- Shit do you want me to take your wings with you or- or-" He shook his head "Yeah no saving them you think? Okay. Okay"

They pulled their arms around Emile and hosted him up on his weak feet, his entire body leant against them as they took the first shaky steps towards the door with the bed cover dragging behind them.

"I know a place. Don't worry. Don't worry"

Not being able to hear their own voice scared them, they had no idea if they were shouting or whispering.

They pulled open the door and glanced around for any sight of the Manager but aside from a few succubi walking down the long hallways they couldn't see anyone.

Emile's eyes flickered half open and his head lolled forward. Remy took a big breathe and used all of their strenght to pick him up and carried him in their arms to the closest shower room.

Luckily it was one of the shower rooms which still had a functioning lock. They set Emile down on the steps that reached down into the shallow pool of water so that it reached up to his ankles.

When the bed cover was laid aside Remy could see the two big gaping wounds that had been created where Emile's wings used to be.

The blood had clotted around the edge of the skin and in the middle the wounds looked more white than red as bits of muscle and flesh showed. Remy felt sick to their stomach. The smell of iron hit them and their hands began to shake.

"Emi- Emi you have to tell me what to do. You're like the super smart doctor guy out of us- I don't- I don't know wha- You needed needle and thread right? Right. I'll be back"

On the way out of the room they caught a glimpse of themself in the mirror and felt their body freeze for just a second as they saw that their hair had turned pure white.

When they returned with a needle and thread Emile had sunk himself a bit further down into the pool so that his wounds ever so slightly grazed the water and turned it into a shade of light red that nearly matched his halo-

His halo. His halo looked like a pair of horns now.

Without the pieces connecting his halo in the middle all that was left was two faintly glowing pink cylinders sticking up from either side of his head that ended in jagged parts of what was left sticking out like horns.

"Hey Emi, I'm back" They said as they sat down on the step next to him "Can you- Please tell me you can somehow do it yourself. Like if I move the mirror or something you can maybe- Maybe see where yo're like supposed to sew or-"

Emile shook his head and put his hand against Remy's knee while meeting their eyes.

".....You have to tell me how. I- I- can't do-"

The former angel took the needle and thread in his unsteady hands and repeatedly motioned for how they had to sew before handing it back to them and with a pained expression leaned forward so they had easier acces to the wounds.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Remy pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck "I'm sorry"

They pressed the needle against their lover's skin and pushed it through. They could see Emile's body tense up and sweat harder and if they had dared to look at his face they would have seen him crying, but they knew they couldn't stop.

They pulled the thread through the hole in the skin and continued.

-

Remy had managed to find the two of them a change of clothes and even found a soft and loose cardigan that wouldn't rub too much against the newly closed wounds on their lover's back. With his body leant against theirs they dragged him towards the sleeping quarters where they along with several other squadrons of succubi slept.

When they got there the information that they were a white hair now must have already gotten to the rest of the succubi because someone had thrown the pillow and cover across the room. All of the succubi there stared at Remy and Emile when they came in.

Some of them opened their mouths but Remy couldn't know what it was they said, maybe that was a good thing. One of them spat at their feet while some of the others reached out to touch Emile's skin maybe just to see what an Angel felt like.

Remy growled at them and extended their wings to force the distance between the two of them and the succubi to increase.

They laid Emile down on the bed and with how much pain he had gone though, and was still going through he fell asleep almost immediately. Remy stayed awake next to him growling and nashing their teeth every time another succubi even came close to the bed.

-

It had gone a few weeks and Emile was able to sit up in bed and take a few steps on his own. Remy laid with their head in his lap and their eyes closed while he ran his fingers through their hair when he suddenly tapped them on the shoulder over and over.

They opened their eyes to see The Manager towering over the bed with his striking eyes staring holes into the former Angel. He parsed his lips and spoke and they could see Emile responding. They wanted to punch their fist into the wall at how frustrating it was to not understand.

Emile scribbled down in the notebook they had started to use to communicate 'He says that even though you are a traitorous white hair you still have to do your job'

"But- But I can't like go to earth right now. I have to like stay with- with-" Emile put his finger over their mouth to quiet them and they saw The Manager speaking again.

'You have to'

The manager had spoken for longer than three words. Emile was leaving something out, they guessed he had been threatening either or both of them.

Remy looked to The Manager before lowering their gaze again and pressing a quick kiss to Emile's cheek. "I will be back soooo soon babe okay!? I will find like the fastest cumming guys you've ever seen"

They didn't dare look at The Manager as they ran out of the room. The Manager looked at the succubi disappearing down into the hallway before slowly turning his eyes back to Emile.

"Take your shirt off"

"...I was nude when my wings were torn off. You have already seen me naked" Emile replied in the calmest voice he could muster "There's no need for me to-"

"Take your fucking shirt off!"

When Emile didn't comply he moved forward and dragged the cardigan off of him and for a few seconds The Manager just blared up and down at his body

"To think that they threw their whole life away for You!" He finally said "Look at you! You're..You're nothing!"

Emile's expression didn't change a single bit which made The Manager turn red from rage.

"Did they ever tell you we've had SEX! Huh!? I've been with them many M A N Y more times than you ever have! They've done every thing I've told them to!"

"They told some time in the 1920s yes"

The Manager sputtered and stared at him so hard it nearly looked like his eyes would pop out "WELL I will have been with them many more times than you ever will anyway! Because they will never want to fuck you again! Not with those ugly puss filled holes in your back! Even if they heal they're going to stay ugly and red and make you disgusting! And they will leave you to dust and probably I don't know kill themself for giving up their hearing to be someone as hideous as you!"

"Has insulting people helped you in the past? According to the behavioral theory of psychology most of our behavior is based on previous conditiong, so it's only a guess but it seems like it has helped you in the past" Emile replied.

"You're going to end up alone one day!" The Manager yelled right into his face before leaving.

-

It took another week until Emile had healed enough that he could walk around completely on his own again, though Remy still got too anxious about someone hurting him they always followed him if he left the room.

Still it was as if once he was able to take care of himself again all of the extra adrenaline Remy had been running on finally ran out and they barely had the energy to leave bed. When Emile tried to communicate with them they would start crying so hard he had to hold them until they stopped shaking.

"I feel like I lost you" They cried "I keep- I keep thinking that we like- we spent so much fucking time apart I never heard your voice enough and now I like never will again. What if I forget your voice Emi!? And like music and you reading to me and us just like talking! It's all- It's all gone! I'm gone! I don't even know if I'm like yelling or whispering right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry"

They could feel Emile's breathe against their cheek as he said something but it only made them cry harder. He stayed with his head leant against their shoulder and with his arms around their waist until they fell asleep again.

--

One morning Emile woke Remy up with a kiss to their temple and still half asleep they mumbled "Need help changing bandages Emi?"

Emile shook them around slightly until they rubbed their eyes open and sat up. He held up the note he had written beforehand.

'I found the library finally! The language section was a bit underdeveloped but I managed to find these!'

He held up a few books with titles all being various variations on 'American Sign Language for dummies'. Remy tilted their head and squinted.

"You know I'm too stupid to read all that"

'Youre not stupid. You can read my notes perfectly fine, it only takes you longer time than other people. We will both learn sign. Together. I have found some papers on the psychology behind different peoples study patterns!'

Remy leaned forward to cup Emile's cheeks "I love your smile babe. You're like my shining sun" They sunk in on themself as their voice broke "I'm sorry I like hurt you"

Emile shook his head and quickly wrote 'I knew what was going to happen to me honey. It was the more powerful demons fault'

He wiped a tear away from Remy's cheek before adding.

'Besides now we can kiss whenever we want. For forever'

"Can we" Remy whispered, almost begged.

Emile kissed them and kissed them and kissed them until he saw their tail begin to wag back and forth from happiness.

'I want you' He wrote.

"I don't wanna like accidentally open the like wounds or anything. Do you think you can?"

'You know better than me what positions would hurt me the least'

Their tail rubbed against their temple as they thought "I can eat you out. We just gotta make sure you stay sitting up so you don't like lay down on the stitches"

Emile blushed bright pink as he motioned for the big sleeping hall and the other succubi here and there.

"Girl people fuck in here like aaaall the time. No one will mind. Uh but like if you're not like comfy we can go to the shower room?"

He nodded and Remy tightly took his hand in theirs and helped him to the shower room, he was still a bit slower than before the injuries.

Once in the room Emile pushed Remy close and kissed their neck while they helped him to sit up on the sink. They made out while the succubi unbuttoned his pants and palmed him through his underwear until they could feel him soaking wet through the fabric.

"If you like want me to stop or I do something wrong or Anything just like pinch my skin alright?" Remy asked.

They waited until Emile had clearly nodded before they helped him push the underwear down to his ankles and entwined their hand with his. They gave him another kiss before going down on their knees.

In the middle of it when Remy could feel the muscles in his thighs twitch against the sides of their head and his hand pulling at his hair they suddenly felt a slight pinch against their shoulder and instantly stopped.

They let the hand in their hair pull them up on their feet and they leant close to Emile. They thought he was going in for a kiss but instead they put his lips against their cheek so that instead of hearing it they could feel the vibrations against their skin as he moaned.

They feel a bit in love all over again at what a genius their lover was.

-

'E- E- I- L- E" Remy hand spelled out with their eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

'Close. You mixed up E with M again. Look' Emile showed the different letters again.

"What kind of asshole designed E and M to look so fucking similar"

He smiled before writing 'Its good you keep speaking at least so your muscle memory keeps remembering how to'.

"....Was I close enough to correct to like get some sweet Emi kisses as a reward?"

Emile laughed and Remy held their hand close to his mouth so they could feel his laughter before he laid down against their chest to kiss them. At first they held their hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat before moving to feel the slight movements and vibrations on his neck as his spoke.

They couldn't quite read his lips well enough yet to know what he was actually saying but simply feeling him speak was soothing in a similar that hearing him read had been.

He tapped on their cheek to get their full attention before hand spelling "I- L- O- V- E- Y- O- U"

Remy felt themself get all gooey inside as they watched his fingers move. "I love the way I can feel your body. It's like- It's like I'm uhh like totally getting to know you like all over again by how your body like moves and functions and vibrates and stuff. I think I like the idea of having decades in front of me to like learn every like crevice and movement of you. Y'know? Do I sound tots weird or what?"

'I think that sounds absolutely lovely dear'

1998

In the early morning Emile had a big grin on his lips as he snook up to the bed he shared with Remy. Their loud snores could be heard from a mile away and quietly sat down right next to it.

He positioned himself and blew the party horn so that the end of it hit Remy right on the nose.

"AUgh FuCK!" They shouted as they sat up straight.

As soon as they saw it was him they relaxed and leant back on their elbows while smiling so the quite new wrinkles near their eyes became visible.

"Heeey honeysuckle" They said before pulling Emile close to kiss him.

'I have a surprise for you!' He signed 'Its a concert. On earth! I saw a poster that this new artist called Britney Spears will perform at a mall! I think youre gonna like it!'

'E- M- I- its O- U- R- anniversary not just mine. You gonna enjoy it too?'

He nodded furiously.

'Okay Okay lemme get changed'

Emile sat on the bed and kicked his feet and whissled a little tune while watching Remy go through their entire stack of clothes in search for the most stylish show offy outfit they could possible put together.

"I want an outfit that like totally screams I'm on a special date with the best like lover guy man hubby you can ever wish for y'know??" They said while layering two different colored arm warmers on top of a fishnet top.

He sat obediantly in his favorite soft cardigan while Remy tested out which of his ties matched the best before landing on a pink tie. They fastened the tie and peppered him with kisses.

'Ready?'

'Ready!'

[darkeraurora]

Admissions - Chapter 5

A little filler and fluff before time to start unpacking all the trauma.

Minors DNI

Dark eyes cracked open at the sensation of a light tug on his shirt.

Looking down, Ghost’s gaze landed on the small figure curled around him, head tucked into the crook of his shoulder and a leg wrapped around one of his. Soundly sleeping as though she was in the safest place in the world.

The most precious sight he had ever seen.

Price had been right, fucking dammit. Ghost hated it when that happened. On the battlefield it wasn’t so bad – good even, sometimes – but when it came to his personal life the Brit didn’t like it at all and planned to mentally complain about it for the next several months.

But there truly wasn’t any better feeling than having the woman you love in your arms. Barely a month ago he had been imagining holding Sereza against his chest like this and now, by some stroke of luck, here she was. In his bed, sleeping against him with her hand gently clinging to the fabric of his shirt. Simon honestly felt wholly at peace for the first time in his life.

The one person he’d ever had feelings for was now his.

But now what?

What came next?

What was she expecting from him? Did she want tender lovey-dovey things or sappy romantic words? Ghost wasn’t sure he could manage those. The guys were always buying gifts for their girls, should he? Did she want that? What the hell did she even like? And where the hell did he even go to buy flowers in the first place? That was something you gave girls, wasn't it? He wasn’t a romantic man at all and had no idea how to be. Maybe he could pick up some tips by listening to the rest of the guys since they wouldn’t shut up about the time they spent with their girlfriends and –

HOLY FUCK.

Simon’s eyes flew wide open, darting around the room as fast as his thoughts came through his head. Did he have a girlfriend now? They hadn’t exactly covered that last night, was that what Sereza saw herself as? Did she even want to be his girlfriend? Or did he have to officially ask her first? As his girlfriend, was she going to want… more intimate things? Would she want to touch him? Or him to touch her? Touch her how? Was she expecting sex from him? Not that he wasn’t interested or didn’t want to… Certainly wasn’t that. He very much wanted to actually… but–

Ghost took a deep breath.

He needed to calm down. They had just admitted their feelings to each other last night for fuck’s sake; he was getting very far ahead of himself. His lust didn’t seem to fucking care though.

Another deep breath, exhaling slowly.

His sleeping beauty shifted; her leg brushing lightly against his morning erection, making his cock throb and his sac tighten. Ghost tensed, pushing his head back against the pillow at the pleasurable pressure. Fortunately she quickly stilled again. Good. That gave him a moment to get control of himself.

With his free arm he carefully swept a curl from her forehead and tucked it behind her ear before his fingers went to her shoulder and grazed down the length of her arm to envelop her hand within his palm. Leaning his head forward ever so slightly to press his lips to the top of her head, letting his kiss linger a moment and closing his eyes in contentment. Never in his life would he have imagined she - or anyone for that matter - would have accepted to be his. To be with someone like him. Yet here she was and he planned to cherish whatever time he could have with her. 

How do you do this, my little one? Simon wondered to himself. 

Ghost closed his eyes as he rested his head on top of hers again and drifted back off to sleep.

XXXXX

Soft fingers brushing along the side of his uncovered face woke Simon again sometime later. Bright amber eyes staring back at him took his breath away.

“You kept it off,” Sereza observed. 

“Yeah,” Ghost murmured, voice rougher than usual with sleep, eyes roaming over the face of his love.

“Hi,” she sighed with an ethereal smile, as though properly meeting him for the first time - which he supposed she was, in a sense.

“Hi,” Simon chuckled, leaning up to kiss her.

Sereza met him and took his lips gladly. Simon grasped the back of her head to deepen it, causing her to let out a sensual moan. Ghost rolled them over without really thinking about what he was doing, consumed by just the feel of her. Only when he found himself with his arms between her back and the mattress did he realize the position they were in. Practically the same as his fantasy on the roof where he had her naked underneath him.

He froze.

“Simon? You good?” Sereza called to him, blessedly oblivious to his inner thoughts. Or at least he hoped she was. 

“Uh, yeah,” he fibbed... sort of... and gave her another kiss to reassure her, “I’m fine. More than fine.” 

Sereza watched an array of thoughts and emotions cross his face before they settled into contentment. Her hands glided over scar-torn biceps and up into his sleeves to his shoulders. “Your arms are amazing.” Her chin tilted upward, demanding another kiss from him, which he was only too happy to provide. “I love you Simon.”

Ghost grinned at her sweet words. He appreciated the compliment, even if it made him feel a little –

What in the fuck- was he feeling bashful?!

He mentally frowned at himself and shoved that feeling away in a hurry.

“You’re amazing and I love you even more.”

Sereza’s eyes widened at the challenge. “Excuse me Lieutenant! I will have you know that I love you more!”

He defiantly shook his head and rolled his eyes, playfully putting on his best haughty British expression. “Don’t think so.”

“I love you more. Times infinity. I win.” She gave him the tiniest, quickest peck on the tip of his nose before flashing a self-satisfied victorious smile.

Simon narrowed his eyes at her declaration. “It seems I'll need to change tactics.” Dipping his head down, he rained small kisses all over her cheeks, jawline, and neck, seemingly bent on kissing her into submission and sending her into fits of giggles.

This was so childish but neither of them cared much. For Simon it felt good to enjoy such an innocently silly moment like this. It wasn't like he'd been able to have these juvenile back-and-forth moments when he was growing up. It felt a little like she was giving the neglected child in him a little treasure he'd been missing. 

Having kissed Sereza within an inch of her life, Ghost lifted his head from her and looked down at her sparkling eyes, unaware of the smile spreading over his face. 

Sereza cradled his cheek in her palm. "You look happy," she whispered.

Ghost turned and kissed the inside of her wrist. I am for once. Very happy. All because of you.

They both stayed in their own little world until the ruckus of others out in the corridor told them it was breakfast time.

Neither of them wanted to leave or see this moment they were having together end, but their bodies demanded food. Sereza was sure Simon’s stomach was demanding quite a bit louder than hers was since he hadn’t left his room in two days – something she planned to fix today.

“I have an idea,” she started, making Ghost slightly raise a curious eyebrow.

Ohhh me too, Love. He thought to himself before mentally shaking his head at the intrusive thought. He really needed to get control of his lust. He blinked a few times as he returned his attention to the woman under him.

“Let’s eat in here, yeah? I can go get our plates and you can get a quick shower before I get back. How does that sound?”

“Alright,” he quickly agreed, moving so Sereza could get up. He did feel pretty rank after not taking care of himself the past few days and was sure she would prefer that he didn’t stink.

XXXXX

Down in the mess hall the rest of the 141 meandered lazily into the room. Soap looked around for a moment before he huffed in disappointment when there was no sign of a towering skull balaclava anywhere. However a certain young lady caught his eye who, he just happened to notice, was leaving the hall with two trays balanced in her hands.

“Good morning, Sergeant,” she greeted sweetly, sliding past him as he held the door open for her.

“Morning' Lass! My that’s quite a helpin’ ye' have there!” One breakfast tray loaded with substantially more food than the other. Far more than a little thing like her would be able to eat in one meal. Truthfully he doubted that she could even eat all of that in an entire day. How very interesting, he thought to himself.

Sereza just smiled happily back at him without any sort of an explanation. Soap watched her walk off toward the elevators. Very, very interesting.

Just then Price walked through the doors, the older man looking around just as Soap had. "Still no?" he asked of his sergeant.

"No sir, but I got something better for ya'."

XXXXX

Later that afternoon Sereza had succeeded in prying Ghost from his man cave. A word that earned her quite an exaggerated groan before he grunted at her to speak English. They walked together along the roof in the fading afternoon sun. Not a cloud in the sky and the arctic winds were relatively calm today. A perfect day to drag the brooding Brit out for some sunshine.

“Ghost? There’s something I want to ask you.”

“If it has any more of your weird words then I’m not answering,” he groused.

Sereza giggled at his moodiness. “Don’t worry, I’ll speak English.”

“Good.”

“…For right now.” She shot a sinister smile in his direction.

The skull moaned miserably. Sereza dropped all of her silliness and adopted a serious tone. “When did you realize you loved me?”

Bloody hell. Simon sighed and turned his masked face away. 

“I’m just curious. Please tell me? I’ll tell you next if you want.”

He supposed that was fair, and he was actually curious himself about what in the world he did that made Sereza fall in love with him, of all people. Personally he had no idea. 

“This is going to sound stupid,” he warned, “The day we arrived here, and you and your brother were mad because some wanker sent us to the Arctic without the proper gear-”

“I’m still mad about that by the way.”

“I’m sure you are, but while I watched you show us around base and get us sorted, lecture us on how to dress properly for the weather here… I couldn’t stop looking at you. I could barely pay attention because I was already in love with you. Though I admit I didn’t know it at the time. It took bloody Price getting on my arse one night in the gym for me to realize it. So, yeah, that’s it. Sorry it isn’t more romantic.”

“I don’t see any reason to apologize, I think it’s sweet. Very sweet. And I think you’re also very sweet.” She bumped his arm with her shoulder.

“Quit that. I’m not sweet,” Ghost shyly muttered as he gently bumped her shoulder back.

“You are tooooo.”

“You’re taking the piss.”

“Speak English,” she grumbled in an unnaturally deep tone Ghost supposed was meant to be an impression of him.

Simon forced a change of subject. “Right then. Your turn, Little one.”

“Well – I didn’t realize that I was in love with you right away either. It took me a little time to figure it out too. You were in my head all of the time and I caught myself looking for you everywhere I went. Whether I needed you for something or not, I just found myself wanting to be where you were, and I wasn’t happy otherwise. And then one day it just dawned on me and... it was like I’d always known that I loved you. So yeah, it wasn’t anything you did exactly, but... from the very first day...it was just… just you. You being you.”

Ghost looked around and behind them. Seeing they were alone, he pulled off his mask before yanking Sereza to him and capturing her lips in an ardent kiss.

For all of his life growing up he’d been told how much of a burden he was and how disappointed his father was in him, oftentimes for just simply existing. Then he was betrayed and taken prisoner, which left him with much deeper scars than just the physical ones that marred him. He’d shut himself off from the unrelenting stares and the whispers and the world’s cruel nature long ago.

Sereza was somehow able to see him underneath all of the layers he wore in order to protect himself. For whatever reason she saw him and found him worthy of being loved and accepted just as he was.

It was the single most astounding and loving thing he’d ever known in his life.

Her fingers combed through his sandy hair and down the nape of his neck, sending pleasant tingles down his back, and pressed her body flush against his. Ghost broke their kiss before the feeling of her could wake up the more primal parts of his mind. Also, if things between them were going to go further, they needed to have a talk first.

Sereza hummed as their kiss came to an end. “Mmm, I love kissing you. I used to wonder what it would be like.”

He smiled down at her before kissing her forehead and sliding his mask back into place. “I want to ask you something,” he cleared his throat nervously.

“Yeah?”

“What would you consider us to be? I know it hasn’t been very long... uh, at all... since we found out we love each other, but I was just wondering… what are we to you?” he asked her with a hint of nervousness. “I want us to be on the same page before we continue this. What am I to you?”

“As in, what would I call us?” Ghost nodded back to her. Sereza grinned at the barely perceptible anticipation in those midnight eyes of his. “I think that… we’re two halves of a whole - a team, here to take care of each other. What do you see us as?”

Two halves of a whole, he repeated in his mind. Each of them incomplete without the other. It was perfect.

He combed his fingers through her waves, “Exactly the same.” Sereza smiled at his response and leaned onto him, just before she could roll up his mask to kiss him–

“Hahh-HAAA!!! That’s my boy!!!” an unmistakable voice bellowed from off to the side somewhere.

Fucking HELL.

Price and Soap casually strolled over wearing the dopiest grins Ghost had ever seen on another person’s face with Gaz trailing behind them.

Price laughing and applauding his lieutenant unnecessarily loudly. Once close enough he gave Ghost a stinging slap on his shoulder. “About bloody time, son!!”

Simon winced at the sheer volume of Price’s voice.

Sereza was looking amused though and trying to hide her giggle with her gloved hand. As long as you’re happy, Love.

The Captain walked past Ghost and enthusiastically embraced Sereza. “Congratulations to both of you!" He plopped her back down on her feet. Why was this man so excited? Ghost silently prayed Price didn't come looking for a hug from him next.

Johnny had to give his two cents, "He's had it bad for ya’ for a long time Lass. Proper lovesick, he's been. If he gives ye’ trouble let us know, aye? We’ll straighten ‘im out.”

The Brit shot an apologetic glance at Sereza. He was flushing furiously underneath his mask at their words and was milliseconds away from punching one or both of them, consequences be damned. Gaz at least just stood there and kept quiet, so Ghost felt that he could probably let Gaz off.

Luckily for them, Sereza intervened before Simon actually hit anyone. “Ghost isn’t trouble at all. I find him to be perfectly enjoyable.”

Dammit he was blushing again. Ghost just knew he was the shade of a lobster with the way he could feel his ears burning. Simon kept his face angled enough so the others wouldn’t see it creeping up under his eyes – he hoped. He’d never live it down if they did.

“Seriously?!” Soap exclaimed.

“Seriously. Zero trouble," she confirmed.

“LT what the hell?! Why ye’ holding back on your lady? She deserves to know what a right prick ya' can be too!” The sergeant practically whined in that absurdly high pitch he could reach. “I swear Lass, this bloke is the grumpiest wanker there e’er was. You’ll see,” Soap warned. “Glad he’s bloody mindin’ his manners for his lady though. So far.”

The skull growled menacingly, making clear that he'd had quite enough of their teasing.

“Oookay, and with that,” Price took hold of Soap’s shoulders and passed him to Gaz who began steering him back in the direction they came from. “We’ll be off then. You two kids have fun! And Ghost? Be nice,” he warned as if he were leaving his toddler children alone on a playdate.

“Send us a wedding invite!” Gaz called.

What the fuck?!! Simon mentally penciled Gaz in near the top of his list.

“Congrats again Sereza!” Soap hollered back at them as Gaz continued to steer him away. “I'm sure you’ll be the best girlfriend there is!”

Price followed after them as he shouted, “Carry on you two!” with a thumbs-up and a not-at-all-subtle wink.

Alone again. Fucking finally, shit.

Ghost rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, sorry about them.” 

Sereza wove her fingers between his gloved ones. “It's alright, I don't mind your friends. They just care about you and are happy for you.”

“Hmph," he rumbled irritably, "… ‘wedding invite' was a bit much though,” Simon mumbled, making her laugh a little at his discomfiture.

Soap’s last annoying comment came to mind. “Are you my girlfriend?” He quickly blurted out before thinking. “I-I mean… would you consider yourself my girlfriend? ...Can I call you that... my girlfriend?” Bloody hell he was bad at this. It was like being a damn teenager all over again. 

Sereza nodded sweetly as she pulled his skull mask back off and kissed him.

However Simon abruptly broke away from her almost immediately as his nagging fears in the back of his mind finally got the best of him. “Sereza I… I don’t know how to do this. I have no fucking idea how to do any of this.” He gripped her hands tightly in his, silently pleading with her to understand that he was trying to tell her that he'd never had a serious girlfriend before without him having to admit it out loud. 

Everything about this dynamic was new to him. If she would yell at him or insult him then he’d actually know how to handle that. Having a relationship – a safe, healthy one – was an entirely foreign concept to him though. All he knew was violence, drunken screaming, and fear. Ghost was terrified that he would carry those over into this relationship with his little one and end up hurting her.

Sereza ran her small hand up his sternum and over his collarbone. Simon had to bite back a groan at the feeling of it. “Well, I’ve never been a girlfriend before,” she confessed as she looked up into his dark eyes. Ghost was legitimately shocked at that. "We can figure this out together. Learn from each other, yeah?”

His hands cupped her face and he crashed his lips to hers eagerly. Beyond delighted to feel her return his kiss just as fiercely.

Feeling a little braver knowing that this was all as new to her as well, Ghost ran his tongue across her bottom lip, seeking her consent to enter her mouth. Sereza clung to him tighter and opened her mouth to him.

An elated growl vibrated through his chest at her acceptance. His tongue plunged past her lush lips and began to eagerly explore. Instantly hopelessly addicted to her unbelievably sweet taste and the small moans he pulled from her. The feeling of her against him, her fingers digging into the back of his jacket, and the breathy exhale she released all sent a flare of heat straight to his groin.

The front of his pants began to tighten.

There was no way he could resist her for much longer.

XXXXX

In the wee hours that night the door to Ghost's room silently cracked open.

Price peeked in cautiously. His eyes softened at the sight of Sereza and Simon wrapped snuggly around one another in their sleep with Simon’s face bare. His lieutenant sleeping soundly and peacefully. 

Well done Simon. I'm proud of you son.

Each of the 141 boys was like a son to the captain, and now he found himself feeling a little like he’d gained a daughter as well. Smiling proudly, he shut the door just as quietly.

[daddycinnabun]

I...used to be a surgeon. I still am I guess, but not officially. I know that sounds, well, sketchy as all hell, but I promise it's much, MUCH worse than you think.

Listen. I never claimed to be a good person alright? But the bullshit about 'gross incompetence' that got my license stripped was infuriating. I'm a good surgeon, I'm a fucking fantastic surgeon, my boss was just a whore who wanted to do anything he could to drive my career into the ground just because I didn't want to suck his dick, in an EXTREMELY literal sense.

That's not what I'm here to talk about though. Sorry, it's only been a year, it still...just thinking about it... I'm sorry.

Right. Regardless of how it happened, I don't officially do surgeries anymore. But. Last year, on June 4th, exactly a month after the decision to have my license revoked went through, I was contacted by someone. Well, I thought it was a someone. I'm not so sure anymore.

There was a knock on my door. I was intoxicated in the living room, a vague term for a state induced by a substance I'm going to keep vague. All you need to know is that I was extremely out of it. I don't even know how I got to the door. I...don't actually remember opening it either, or reaching out to the handle. It was just suddenly open. And the second the door revealed what was on the other side, I instantly sobered up. Not because she - it, whatever - scared me. I was a field medic in Iraq, I've saved friends and killed people 3 times it's size with nothing more than a scalpel. No, I was just all of a sudden sober.

Completely. Stone cold. Sober.

I'm emphasizing this because I want you to understand that I did not hallucinate what happened. I was in sound mind at the time. Which in of itself is fucking weird, I had enough of those 'substances' in my veins to keep me out of it for at least the next week.

What was on the other side of the door was a woman. Tiny, ancient, barely came up to my stomach, but with an energy about her that was frankly disturbing. It felt like she could've ran a marathon, even if looks would have you believe the task would've killed her. She had two figures standing behind her, but I was so bewildered by the woman that I didn't even really register them, let alone look at them closely.

Maybe all this wouldn't have happened if I had.

I'll never forget the first words that came out of that woman's mouth. I'd never seen her before in my entire life, and yet her she was on my front door step, and the first thing she says to me was -

"Have you played with dolls?"

I don't know how long I stood there, staring at her, just trying to process what was happening, before I snapped out of it. I curtly answered her, telling her that if I had played with dolls growing up my parents would've beaten me so hard that I wouldn't be standing here talking with her about it.

Then she asked if I'd like to.

I was just about to slam the door in this fucking weirdos face, tell her that I didn't want whatever the hell she was selling, but then she continued with something that made my blood freeze. My boss's name.

She talked about how unfair what happened to me was, how tragic it was that such skilled hands were going to waste, and that she'd like to offer me a job. Despite knowing that it was a stupid fucking decision, that this was clearly some insane old stalker and that I should just call the police, I was also running low on funds, and when she handed me an envelope stuffed with well over twenty grand in it...well. My interest was peaked, so to say. I asked what she wanted me to do, but she just responded with a smile, before simply saying-

"Play with dolls."

And then she was gone. The envelope and the money were still there, but she just completely vanished. If it weren't for the money, I'd have written the whole thing off as a bad trip and moved on with my life. But it was there, rent was due, and I needed the cash.

About two weeks later, I got another knock on the door. This time though, there was a massive guy, almost too large to fit into the door way. The kinda guy I'd go for after a few shots and a really, really rough day, looking for an even rougher night...ahem. Not that...you need to know that...

Anyways, uh, yeah. Big guy, wearing a black and white suit, and carrying two bags over each shoulder. Without saying anything or answering any questions, he barged into my living room and started setting up. I nearly choked when I saw what was in the first bag. A brand new stainless steel operating table with built in drainage and sanitation station, as well as a grotesquely expansive set of tools. There were things in that kit that at the time I had no idea what were even for, and I'd been doing surgeries for over 20 years. I...I know what they're used for now though. I know what all of them are for, what all their specific uses are in the operations she wanted me to do. Because it was surgery, what she wanted me to do.

Can you guess what was in the second bag?

White male, about 5'11, early 20's. Not dead, but heavily sedated.

That's when I should've called the police. That's when I should've ran as far away from all of this as humanly possible. But I didn't. As I said, I never claimed to be a good person, and the prospect of getting to operate again was too much.

The second envelope stuffed with thousands of dollars certainly helped too.

And so instead of acting like a sane, responsible individual, I donned the provided scrubs and other gear, grabbed a scalpel, put the scalpel down, closed all the blinds in my apartment, and then had to resanitize my hands, picked up the scalpel again, and THEN asked what needed to be done.

Instead of verbally answering, as the man must've been mute or something, he handed me a list. A list of operations that needed to be done. I grew a little uneasy looking at it. All of his limbs needed to be amputated, a..."pacemaker" attached to his heart, and something planted in his frontal lobe. These were extremely intense surgeries, each were going to take hours, and there was a good chance something was going to go wrong, especially with the brain implant. It was supposed to go in a baffling spot, an area I'd never worked on before, and was extremely sensitive. I relayed all that to my mute companion, but he just handed me a slip of paper. It simply read "Do not worry. It knew what it was signing up for."

I knew damn well I had no idea what the hell I'd signed up for, but as I glanced at the body laid out before me, I realized it was referring to it. That's when I stopped...thinking of them as human, I think. I started thinking of them as...things. Full, human sized...dolls. It became much easier to justify then. Maybe it was my way of coping with what I was doing. Maybe not.

Either way, I did what I was asked to do. It was...near ecstasy, operating again. Cutting deep into someone, peeling back the layers of what makes them human always fascinated me, and getting to do it again made me happy. But there was an extra layer to it. There wasn't any pressure, any of the maddening weight of trying to save a life. There was just a body in front of me, one guy watching, and a set of things to do. I don't think I'd ever been sad to end a 14 hour surgery, but I felt a twang of disappointment when I was done.

Speaking of my observer, he was actually extremely useful. Hands down, the best nurse I've ever had. He worked quickly, efficiently, and most importantly, quietly. Things got to my hand barely later than I even thought of them, and we worked as a seamless team. The things we could've done if we were operating somewhere other than my apartment...

And let me tell you, doing surgeries in the comfort of my own home was surreal. Instead of the grueling test of endurance it usually was, I had everything I could possibly want at just a call to my nurse. And passing out straight into my bed just moments after getting out of my scrubs was pure bliss. The next day, I woke up to expect it to be a dream. It almost seemed like it - the table, the body, the scrubs, the nurse, were all gone. There was only 3 pieces of evidence that it had really happened - the aching in my wrists and legs, the fat envelope left on my counter, and strangest of all, the fact that my apartment had been tidied up. Cleaned to sparkling perfection, and let me tell you, with how distraught I had been the month before, it had been a god awful mess.

But...I was happy. I paid my rent, which was definitely a massive concern of mine as I live in an extremely nice, very large flat. Costs nearly 10k a month. Surgeon money. And, well, I guess "playing with doll" money.

The next week, my nurse came back. Two bags, just as before, same equipment, different body. Black woman, 5'4, early 20's, same state as the last one. Slightly different set of instructions though, some facial modification. I hadn't done much in the way of cosmetic surgery before, but I was laid out extremely precise, professional instructions that a toddler could've followed.........if a toddler could perform invasive surgery, I guess. My point is that I could follow them very well and there weren't any complications.

And that was the routine for about three years. Or...was it two? Hmm.

Regardless. Every week or so, my neatly dressed nurse would arrive with my tools and a new body, and increasingly complex surgeries to complete. Looking back, I should've realized what I was doing was odd. After about a year of increasingly difficult tasks, I was practically stripping them down to the bone, peeling back skin and muscles until all that was left on my table were limbless, bloody masses of flesh. And then...well...

I don't know if you're going to believe me. I know it sounds impossible, I know I sound like a deranged serial killer, but they were still alive. It had become so routine at that point that I didn't even think about it, but they shouldn't have been. But they still bled, their hearts still pumped, their vitals never stopped. I was working miracles and it was exhilarating. And what was even more satisfying was what came next.

I remember the first prosthetics I were brought. Before then they'd always be taken away with just...their nubs, for lack of better words. The prosthetics were...gorgeous. Beautifully crafted limbs, articulate down to the fingers, I'd never seen anything like it before. And attaching them was extremely precise, as I had to place them such that the nerves could grow into them. Supposedly they were were fully functional replacement limbs and I fully believe they are. Especially now.

As things got more complicated, so did the prosthetics I was brought. Until I was essentially breaking the bodies down as much as physically possible, and then building them back up with the replacements. And...they did end up looking like dolls. No matter what state they entered my apartment, they always left looking like beautiful, human sized dolls.

I've gotten good at it too! I can strip a human body down to it's essentials in 8 hours, and build them back up in another 8. Complete transformation in just over half a day. It's really satisfying work too, so long as you're capable of looking past the horrific morally grey nature of it. And I stand by it being grey and not black, they could very well have chosen to be there.

Not...that I know for sure. Not that I lost much sleep over it either. Again. Not trying to argue I'm a good person, but maybe also trying to convince you that I'm not a bad one either. Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know.

It did go too far for me though. Something different did happen that I wasn't comfortable with, and that's why I'm here. Last week, my nurse didn't come with two bags. It came with one. The person I was to operate on walked into my apartment. You'd think that would be a source of relief, confirmation that this has all been voluntary but...well you'll see.

She was a little thing. About 5 foot even, thin but not unhealthily so. Dark black hair, green eyes, and despite looking fairly young, she had this feeling about her like she'd seen a lot. More than she should've for her age. She stood there quietly, as I asked what was going on.

My nurse handed me a paper, stating an apology for the irregularity in our routine, but that "this one had insisted that they Change while they could witness the gorgeous miracle with their own eyes". That last part made me shutter. One of the more...grotesque parts of what I've been doing for the last four years has been taking out the body's eyes and replacing them. It's not overly pleasant to be the one doing it, and I can't imagine having it done to me, especially conscious.

I explained to her that there was absolutely no way I could possibly do this process while she was awake, that just the act alone of removing her limbs would be enough to send her into shock and potentially kill her.

And it is - I've seen it happen. I saw a lot of things during the war I wish I could forget. None, and I mean NONE,  of it unsettled me as much as her reaction did.

She smiled.

This broad, ecstatic smile. I...I tried to scare her, I described the process in depth, cutting through her bones, slicing off her skin, getting more and more disturbingly in depth and grotesque, describing my craft as if it was butchery, trying to instill some sense of fear in her, but the more bloody and gorey I described it the happier she looked. By the end I could've sworn she was rubbing her thighs together, and a wet spot had clearly formed on her crotch.

I...I don't know. Maybe it'd all been building up inside of me, maybe I'm just insane. But I just...I wanted to wipe the smile off her face.

So I hit her.

She dropped to her knees and looked up at me. Despite the bruise already swelling on her cheek, she smiled at me. And then opened her mouth. She sat there, expectantly, tongue out, slowly drooling on my floor. It sparked rage in me like I'd never felt before, as I grabbed her by the hair. If she wanted to be a horrifying, masochistic slut, I was going to give her what she wanted.

There's no good way to say this. It wasn't rape per say, she never dissented...but she also never consented. Verbally at least - she was downright enthusiastic otherwise. Even when I finally pulled my cock out of her throat, having brutally face fucked her, not letting her breathe all the while, and then dragged her by the hair to the operating table. I thought maybe she was just a whore in over her head, but she didn't even flinch at the cold metal. Not even as I started marking out my incision. Not even as I pulled out a scalpel, handed to me by my ever diligent nurse who had just been watching.

Before I started cutting though, she...well. She spread her legs. I could see a trickle of her cum leaking down onto the table. Her holes were clenching and winking at me, and I knew what she wanted.

My nurse did too, apparently, as he immediately adjusted the height of the table to match up perfectly with my hips.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. Any of it. But raping her against that table, all the while cutting and stripping her of skin, pulling and tearing, all while trusting into her impossibly tight holes...I had never felt more alive. And she kept smiling. Even as I took out the bone saw and pressed it against her shoulder. I was on her, in her, looking into those emerald eyes as I dragged the saw across her flesh. Back and forth, blood and gore spraying with each thrust and pull, matching the pace of me fucking her. She came when it hit bone. She came with each push and pull, as the saw ripped through marrow and bone. She came even harder when I took off the second arm.

Then I moved onto her legs. It'd been well over an hour and I'd cum twice, but the smell of her blood and that fucking smile just...kept me going. I took them off right at the hip, and my cum leaked from both her holes, pooling and mixing with her blood. Then,  I placed my scalpel against her collar bone, and dragged it all the way down to her pussy. I cut around it for the time being, wanting to keep the hole intact.

I...I skinned her then. I cut off her skin. All of it, except her pussy. I hardly missed a beat either, my rhythm was impeccable.

...I'm sorry. I'm sure this isn't easy to listen to, but I have tell someone. It won't feel real until I do. It'll just be some blood soaked dream unless someone else knows. I'm sorry.

Then...well, there she was. A hunk of meat, naught to her name but the muscles I'd left on her intact bones and her organs laying out. She was crying by then, but they were happy tears, as she looked on not in horror, but in bliss. Then it was time to move onto the part that made me the most uncomfortable usually, working on the face. But...this time...I had been looking forward to it.

We kissed. We voraciously tried to devour each other at every opportunity as I worked, making incisions, moving bone, filling in parts. I wasn't following what I'd been told to alter this time - I was doing it for me. I was turning her into my perfect, beautiful doll.

Then came the eyes. Her old ones bulged as I got the equipment for the removal and her new ones, and I thought maybe she'd finally gotten her fill. Her squirming in excitement proved otherwise. The splashing and squishing of her organs and raw muscles as she squirmed was...adorable, I'll admit. I whispered in her ear that I'd be quick, so that she could see me adding the rest of her new body, and she came on my dick harder than she did at any other point. I could feel her gushing, soaking both of us in her excitement, as I scooped out her eyes.

Then I began her rebirth. I connected the nerves to the prosthetics, and as I held it in my hand, the optical nerve only just barely connected, she looked at me. The glossy eye moved in my hand. To look at me.

It sounds like something out of a fucking horror film. And...and you know what I did? You know what I did? I kissed it. I kissed her new eye, as it hung out of her bloody socket, and said in a high sweet voice "Hello again! Miss me?". And she blushed. Her new, perfectly proportioned cheeks were a rose red, as I was coated in our mixed cum and blood, and her discarded limbs sat in a bucket next to us, with most of her skin next to them.

It felt...right to put her back together. I did it lovingly. I did it sweetly. I glided her back into place, I rebuilt her from a wriggling mess of blood and gore into a staggeringly perfect thing. Too pristine. Too perfect.

I took a bloodied scalpel and...wrote my name across its porcelain chest. I claimed it. I marked it. I made it flawed, and mine. And with my work done, I collapsed.

I don't know how long I...worked. I don't know how long I slept. But when I woke up it was evening, and my flat was once again pristine. I had requested a long time ago that the money be wired directly to my bank account instead of being handed wads of cash - I do my taxes and as far as the IRS is concerned I'm a very, very successful "consultant" to a bunch of medical facilities across Sweden, as that's where the money is sent to me from. I mention this, because there was an envelope left this time. Not the bulging, cash stuffed one from years past, but a letter.

I was wired triple what I usually was. Apparently I'd "done such a good job with this one that the others want to witness their creation with their own eyes as well, even those who were afraid before." Although I was warned not to add any more personal modifications, or they'd become to attached and not want to leave.

Not only did I get away with this...this...objectively horrific act, I'm being rewarded for it. And I feel like I might lose myself in it. Lose myself and...become something else. Not a doll. I don't know what though. I don't know if I want help, but I think I need help.

So. Can you? Can you help me?

...sir this is a Wendy's.

[the-phantom-author]

it’ll take me a while to fully digest TTPD because it’s a LOT (probably my favorite album of hers, besting reputation which says a lot because that’s always been my number one) but just a few things about popstar!gf right now.

this was an excruciatingly honest look into her brain and it seems like a lot of people can’t handle it. they think it’s too much and the general public isn’t going to really look into what her lyrics mean. it was really brave of her to put this out into the world while being at some of her lowest times and now at her highest with hasan. this album is for people who want to understand her. her true fans and a good chunk of hasanabi heads are with her and supportive.

she’s feeling really vulnerable. she had let hasan hear a few songs before it’s official release but she wanted him to experience it altogether. so when it’s officially out, they’re laying on his couch alone in the house. just the album on, for two hours they lay together and listen. hasan is immediately overwhelmed because 1. he’s proud to be with someone who is so intelligent and turns her own life and struggles into something beautiful and poetic 2. he knew a lot about the bad times she was having and continued to have while they were just friends but he didn’t really understand. listening took his understanding of her to a whole new level. 3. he’s heartbroken that any person would treat her the way she’s been treated but also has to appreciate how strong she is and she’s on the other side of that now. he assures her he hopes to never ever treat her like that. he is careful with his words, avoids saying “i’ll never” or “i’ll always” because that might feel a bit scary and like an empty promise but he’s there for her.

she’s really in her own head the next few days, just writing a lot in her journal. she’s also been on twitter which is NEVER a good thing. she knows how great the album is going, her team has been keeping her in the loop, she’s breaking records. but actual people? her seeing their own opinions and people’s think pieces, a lot of it being negative, hits her in a certain way. she tries to not focus on the negative but it’s like a little nagging feeling she can’t shake off. it’s starting to eat at her. her journal entries are going to become a bit sadder and also more idgaf what anyone thinks, i’m damn proud of this album. if people think im on the news so much, if im doing too much, fine. you won’t see me.

but the positive right now is that all of her friends and family and all of hasan’s are super proud of her and think she’s done something truly incredible. although hasan tries to get her to go on fear& she won’t, but she’s appreciative of hearing from will and qt and austin and more that they think she’s an insanely talented artist.

she’s just kind of in a weird place. she has a tour planned but of the public opinion of her is going down quickly… she’s afraid she might just cancel the whole thing. she cancels interviews and appearances. she just needs some time to be with herself and hasan, friends and family. away from the public eye. maybe she will return soon. but maybe the public will continue to come crashing down on her and force her into living completely out of view.

The way it'll take me like a month to listen through the album. But I definitely say that it's going to up in my favorites, folklore is one hell of an album.

Not only does the general public think it's too much, it's too honest, it's too intimate, it's too long, it's simply too much. They also don't like how big of a change it it from what they know of her. She is a pop princess, Red and Guts have firmly put her in that position. However TTPD, is such a departure from her previous albums that a lot of people who aren't her fans don't like. Heaven forbid a female singer have a diverse sound. And some of her "fans" only like the pop music she makes and then not getting any of it, makes them very upset.

But as you where saying, it's a very vulnerable album, and she knows it. I can see them on the couch, or even the bed, she's resting her head on his shoulder, his arm over her, as she fiddles with his rings. While they listen to it together.

This is the start of Hasan's adventures into figuring out the delicate balance of giving her all the reassurance that she needs (which is a lot), but not saying the wrong things (which is basically anything to do with the words "forever, never, and I promise).

Hasan is always on a process of gaining respect for her. He has always had a great deal of it, but the more he knows about her the more his respect grows. Like yours so talented and smart, and capable, but no one should be treated the way.

I can imagine after getting done listening to it neither really know what to say, she wants to make sure that Hasan gets the chance to take it on without her influencing his opinion in any way. And he was to make sure she knows how much he's not going to pick up their relationship, but can't quite get the wording right. He just holds her tighter.

[marlenafortuna]

Podcast Punishing - C.S

Warnings‼️ public teasing, spanking, blowjob

A/n: this is my first time writing anything in general haha. Let me know how I did

Summary: You decide to tease Chris, your boyfriend, a little during your featuring in the triplets podcast.

……………

I think the amount of times I asked my amazing boyfriend, Chris, to be in him and his brothers podcast, is uncountable.

The problem was though, me and Chris weren’t public the first 7 months of our relationship. Crazy, right?

Well Chris was very known to be scared of relationships and commitment, and suddenly announcing he was committed and in a relationship was somewhat difficult for us.

Well, the day has finally come, me and Chris made our relationship official about 3 months ago. And honestly, I don’t know how the fans have taken it.

From what I’ve heard from Chris the fans took it very well, atleast that’s what he told me.

I don’t know nor do I care.

Anyway, it’s 3 months after we made it public, and now I’m sitting in the studio ready to film the podcast.

The problem was tho, both me and Chris woke up extremely horny this morning. But I don’t know if it’s gonna be a problem.

The podcast started, they asked me a couple questions about life, Chris, and some other things.

But I start getting bored and I notice Chris like.. adjusting himself??

Did I really make Chris hard just from talking?

Seeing as I was sitting next to Chris, I decided to tease him a little, by palming him through his pants, which seemed to work.

Chris was fighting for his life not to moan or to make it any obvious that I was teasing them. But I was done with him being so stubborn.

So, I pulled down his pants and started jerking him off. I know it may sound weird, and it was, not gonna lie. But it was fun

TIMESKIP

Chris was angry, and it was obvious. Jaw clenched and muscles tense by the time we walked out of the podcast studio.

“Chris what the fuck is up?!” Nick asks, clearly confused by his brothers behavior.

“Nothing I’m fine.” responds a very clearly mad Chris. “Let’s go to my room, love” he says to me.

I know I’m gonna get punished for this, and I’m so looking forward to it.

We walk down to his room, and when I shut the door, he immediately slams me up towards it and pins my hands over my head.

“Do you really think you can just sit and tease me during a podcast and expect me to not react to it? Get on the bed, your clothes better be gone by the time I’m back” Chris demands through gritted teeth. I say nothing. I walk over to me and Chris’ shared bed and start stripping, slightly turned on by this situation.

……..

“I’m back, love.” Chris says as I’m laying on the bed. Head on the headboard with my right leg tucked up, naked. “Kinda expected to come back to you touching yourself”

I say nothing, because he rambles on.

“You’ve been bad. What do bad girls get in return?” Chris asks me, a smirk on his face.

“T-they get punished, right?” I ask, uncertainty in my voice, but I’m still confident I’m right.

“Mhm that’s right love, you’re so smart. Do you remember your safe word baby?” He grins

“Mhm” I nod.

Slap.

Chris slapped my left cheek.

“I need words baby, I thought you knew this”

“Now what is your safe word” he demands me to tell him.

“Red. My safe word is red.” I reply, getting impatient.

“That’s good ma” he smiles.

Why did he make me go over our safe word? What the hell does he have planned?

He flips me over and ties my hands to the headboard with his belt.

“Alright, I did some thinking, and I think your punishment should be spanking. 25 on each cheek. How’s that sound ma?” He suggests, not wanting to make it too much for me.

“Mhm, sounds good Chris.” I reply, genuinely okay with it.

“Alright ma, I do have one request tho. You’re gonna count them all, and you’re not fucking cumming. Understood?”

I agree, with words this time.

Slap. “1” I gasp, slightly surprised.

Slap. “2” a little harder this time.

Slap. “3” ouch.

……..

“50” I count, my ass stinging and burning from how harsh Chris’ slaps were. I cant say i didn’t enjoy it though.

“That’s my good girl, ma, now get on your knees for me.” He unties the belt while saying.

I get on my knees in front of his crotch, his pants slightly falling down from the removed belt he used for my hands.

I start pulling down his pants, palming him over his boxers.

“Stop fucking teasing me and get to work” he grunts, not liking my teasing.

I pull down his boxers along with the rest of his pants, and he steps out of them while I start slowly stroking his cock.

“Mmmmmh fuck” he moans out in relief, I understand that though, his cock was as angry red at the tip, throbbing and leaking precum. He looked almost in pain.

I start putting my tongue flat on the base of his shaft, slowly moving upwards and putting his tip in my mouth and sucking on it.

The noises he was making had me dripping everywhere on the floor. His noises were a mix of whimpers and moans, I LOVED it.

I start bopping my head on his cock, going up and down in a fast pace.

“Oh fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck so good ma.” He moans out. That has to be my favorite sound ever.

After a minute or two he pulls my head away, I look up at him in confusion.

“Sorry love, wanted to spare my cum for that pretty pussy instead” he says with a slight smirk, his eyes dark of lust and need.

“Get on the bed” he demands, and I oblige.

I lie down, legs spread, my arousal dripping just for him. He look at my glistening folds for a moment.

“So wet just for me ma? Damn I’m gonna destroy you.”

_____________

Part 2 will maybe occur.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

So, I think I’m going to go back and finish The Bugle. It’s a bit weird that I haven’t finished it already, given that it’s one of my favourite things in the world. I left it off after episode 4200, which means 200 episodes into the post-John Oliver era, because for reasons that Andy Zaltzman thinks are funny, he labelled the first post-Oliver one as episode 4001.

The John Oliver era had 295 official episodes, 383 if you count all the filler episodes during off weeks, from October 2007 to June 2016 (395 if you count the entertainingly opinionated daily special reports that Andy Zaltzman did during the 2012 Olympics). Then John Oliver left to go be famous or whatever, and Andy Zaltzman re-invented it as a thing he’d host with a rotating cast of guests from various countries (mainly still England and America, but Australians Alice Fraser and Tom Ballard are among the most common guests, and there are a few regular ones from NZ and India as well).

The first of these, episode 4001, aired in October 2016, but there was a longer gap than there seems based on those dates. By early 2015, John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight commitments got significant enough so episodes became sporadic at best, they put out a lot of filler episodes at first, but eventually the gaps were so long that they gave up on that and just had breaks. Breaks that were interrupted by more filler episodes in which Andy Zaltzman would tell us that they’re going to be back soon because John Oliver swears he’ll have time next week, and then there’s another gap of like three months. The final proper Bugle episode from that era was in March 2016; they then came back with a filler episode in April to tell us they’d be back soon, and finally, one June to say they were giving up on it. I listened to all of those 2015-2016 episodes within a couple of days, and fucking hell, it was painful. By the end, I was shouting Monty Python quotes at them: “This is an ex-podcast! Stop nailing it to its perch and trying to sell it back to us! For the love of God, put it out of its misery with some dignity! Let Andy Zaltzman go roam free in the fjords, or whatever the message of that sketch was!”

Anyway. I listened to all those John Oliver-era episodes in one go, almost literally. It took me just under three months, and that might have been a level of fixation that went too far even by my standards. I had The Bugle playing during every second of my life that I wasn’t asleep, or doing something I absolutely had to do for work. It was probably too concentrated a dose, which would be why I felt genuinely depressed when I got to the end of it. Well, that and the inherent tragedy in the way someone can spend so many years building up something amazing and then outgrow the project and their collaborator, everything beautiful ends, nothing gold can stay, and in the words of Andy Zaltzman, if the sun is going to run out of fire at some stage in the future, what’s the fucking point of doing anything now? I might have been projecting my own issues a little.

I didn’t go back to it for a while, because I knew that if I went straight into the post-Oliver Bugle, I would immediately hate it for not being the old thing, and I wanted to give it a better chance than that. I eventually did start from episode 4001, which aired a few weeks before America’s 2016 election, and was a stilted conversation between Andy Zaltzman and a fairly confused Hari Kondabolu, who clearly did not quite know what he’d signed up for. I spent the whole episode trying not to hate Hari Kondabolu for the crime of not being John Oliver, and it only sort of worked. Since then, The Bugle has found its stride, Hari Kondabolu has figured out what it is, and he’s now one of my favourite guests for them to have on, I’ve even gotten into his own stand-up off the back of his Bugle appearances.

Andy Zaltzman himself has admitted it was a rocky transition. He’s said it wasn’t easy to go from the rapport he’d built up for years with John Oliver, to trying to create something similar with people he didn’t know nearly as well. It got better when he stopped trying to make it another version of what it was before, and let it be something else.

It helped when they started occasionally, and then regularly, having two guests at a time, so they could bounce off each other as well, and the chemistry between Andy Zaltzman and one guest didn’t have to carry the episode by itself. Which is good, because Andy Zaltzman had pitch-perfect chemistry with John Oliver, but does not appear to have that with anyone else in the world. It really is amazing, how the John Oliver/Andy Zaltzman thing is the best chemistry I’ve ever heard (not just between two double act partners, but between any two people who’ve tried to do comedy together in any way), but Andy Zaltzman seems incapable of having a natural-seeming interaction with any other human.

Andy Zaltzman has this combination of a fairly niche sense of humour (vaguely surreal in a way he never explains), a penchant for relatively obscure topics and references in his humour, and just a socially awkward personality, that means that isn’t going to work with almost anyone. In several interviews, I’ve heard him stop just barely short of actually saying he knows he got lucky in 2002 to work with the one person in the world who fit perfectly into his style, and that’s why he created a way to stick with that partnership for as long as he possibly could, even when his partner moved across an ocean and pursued different career directions.

It’s difficult to explain exactly what made the Zaltzman and Oliver thing work so well, but I’m going to try. I think it’s the way they could play off each other during pre-written material as easily as most people do when improvising. Normally on a podcast or TV show or anything like that, you get one or the other. Either it’s pre-written, so it’s dense and high-quality really funny stand-up, or you get the spontaneous back-and-forth of two people just talking to each other. Zaltzman and Oliver managed to do both at the same time, which I’m pretty sure is only possible if two people know each other’s comedy styles incredibly well, and have those styles fit together.

They’ve said that the way they did The Bugle was a phone call a few days before recording to agree on what topics they’d discuss, and then they’d separately write material on those topics, and then take turns reciting that material and mutually riffing on it in the actual recording. I don’t think I know of anything else that does things that way. Gets in solid chunks of properly written material, and then does improvised back-and-forth on top of it. I’m going to guess that the reason most people don’t do that is it’s really really difficult.

It's impressive just to write that much material. Yeah, they sporadically take weeks off in which they release filler episodes. And there have been a few extended gaps – they were gone for much of 2015/2016, and they took the summer of 2014 off. But aside from that, Andy Zaltzman has been regularly writing enough new material to fill his half of a 30-45-ish-minute episode on a weekly basis since late 2007. Obviously not every single second of it is solid gold, but still. A hell of a lot of what he comes up with is very good, and that’s a lot more than most comedians write in a year.

This is why when Daniel Kitson starts talking shit about podcasts, and I immediately find myself getting defensive and saying “Okay, okay, I’m all for complaining about the newfangled internet media that those young people are doing these days, but let’s not start disparaging Andy Zaltzman’s life’s work here,” I then remind myself that this isn’t what he means. Most podcasts are just people talking, mostly unscripted, and it probably is fair to suggest that it’s kind of bullshit for that to be considered on par with actually writing strong material (though also I do think unscripted podcasts can be great fun, and some cover important topics and can say important things, and some are just funny because completely unscripted back-and-forth can be very funny even if that isn’t fair to the people who work hard on crafting material, improv is a skill too, and also Daniel Kitson has done much of his complaining about podcasts on his own unscripted radio shows, though to be fair to him, he also talks about how he doesn’t get paid for those radio shows because he knows they don’t count as actual art or work or whatever, anyway this is another subject). But The Bugle does use carefully written material, and add the other stuff that makes podcasts good, and it’s brilliant. It’s fucking brilliant.

But that goes back to what makes the Zaltzman and Oliver thing special, because you just couldn’t do that with most pairs of comedians. They’d worked together a lot before starting The Bugle – on a few joint Edinburgh shows, hosting the Political Animal gig together in Edinburgh and London for a few years, writing and performing the radio show The Department together, getting joint writing credits on a few TV things like that Rory Bremner sketch. And that pretty much was their careers, from 2003-2006. They had a few other things – I assume they did separate stand-up gigs sometimes; John Oliver did Mock the Week a few times, did guest spots on a few other TV things like Armando Iannucci’s Gash, and had “additional material” writing credits on a few TV shows; Andy Zaltzman had a few Radio 4 guest spots – but just about their entire careers were built on stuff they wrote together. Anything either of them wrote at that time would be heavily influenced by the other.

That did change a bit after that, but only on one side. John Oliver had really really significant other things going on, like writing and performing in the premiere political satire show in America, and Andy Zaltzman was doing the same stuff they’d been doing before, stuff that John Oliver has since described as shit (I do understand why the compulsively self-deprecating John Oliver likes to say his career in England was terrible, but hearing him do too much of that does, once again, trigger my “Okay, let’s not disparage Andy Zaltzman’s life’s work here” defensiveness). Which would be why John Oliver described his experience on The Bugle as great fun and because he got to listen to his friend and brilliant comedian Andy Zaltzman be funny for an hour every week, and Andy Zaltzman has described The Bugle with the words “It saved my career.”

This would also be why, when they talked a lot of shit about Rupert Murdoch in 2011 and then got their funded pulled by TimesOnline (not saying there’s causation there, but definitely correlation) and it looked like The Bugle might not be able to keep running, John Oliver said he’d hate to lose thing he loved doing, and Andy Zaltzman used the words “I’ve got Jack K. shit else going on” to explain why he sounded palpably more desperate to find an alternative funding source.

Honestly though, it is cool that even if the desperation wasn’t nearly as significant, John Oliver did still sound invested in finding a way to keep The Bugle going into 2012, and once they did find a way, he stayed with it for a few more years. He barely needed The Bugle when they started it in 2007, and definitely did not need it by 2012. By then was one of the most successful Daily Show writers/correspondents and regularly traveled all over the United States to perform stand-up – no way did he need the money or any extra fame he’d get out of The Bugle. He was just doing it for the love of the game by then, the world got way more years of John Oliver doing a trans-Atlantic topical podcast than they had any right to, which I try to remind myself when I’m annoyed that it didn’t last forever. I’ve just said it’s impressive that Andy Zaltzman writes as much material as he has to for The Bugle – John Oliver was doing that as his side gig next to the Daily Show.

Having said that, that is why, while they were definitely equal co-hosts and no one was anyone’s sidekick (fuck you, Dominic Maxwell), Andy Zaltzman tended to have more minutes of prepared material in most episodes, and why he was the one doing things like the Bugle blog, finding a lot of the stories, coming up with the more complicated concepts and conceits to try out. Which means that while John Oliver was writing with lots of different people and for lots of different audiences and in lots of different mediums, almost everything Andy Zaltzman wrote was for The Bugle, and therefore for getting picked apart with John Oliver. They established their comedy styles together, and then they kept developing together, with everything Andy wrote and at least some things John wrote getting tested out on each other each week. They didn’t just learn each other’s humour, they created it. Obviously there had to be some compatibility to start with – they both had a few years of trying comedy before 2003, and they both just brought different skills to the table, and at some point figured out that what they already had fit together well. But after that, they had years of taking something that worked, and developing it in the direction of working more and more.

I am convinced that all of this was required to create the magic in those first seven-ish years of Bugle episodes. That’s how they could come to the table with material they had not already tested on the other person, and be confident that it would work. They’ve said they never heard each other’s material before the actual recording, which was a cool way to make the reactions natural, but they didn’t plan it that way specifically to manufacture that effect – it was just done because Johnny Showbiz (as Andy affectionately nicknamed him for seven years, and then repeated with at least a little genuine bitterness in his voice during some of the low points of 2015) could only carve out so much time.

That’s how they were able to create lightning in a bottle with the quality and precision of something pre-planned, and the fun of spontaneity. They were each so good at knowing when to pause in their material to let the other come in on something, and knowing when to keep going because what they had next was going to be better than the interjection. And they knew when to interrupt and when to let the other stay on their roll. They knew how to elicit certain reactions out of each other, and how to react in ways that set up the next bit, even when they didn’t know exactly what the next bit would be. They knew when to go off script and how to go back. They knew how to add bits of their material into the middle of the other’s monologue. They knew how to write their bits so they not only wouldn’t clash with what the other one would write, but would build on it.

Every once in a while there would be some little awkward misstep, like if one of them read out their material on a topic and the other admitted… “Well that’s basically what I had, so no point in me doing mine.” But that sort of thing almost never happened, and when you think about it, that’s fucking impressive. The existence of a few missteps just highlights how impressive it is that they were rare.

They also had other sources of natural double act chemistry. It helps that they clearly find each other genuinely funny. Every Andy Zaltzman monologue is made more delightful by the sound of John Oliver stifling giggles in the background, and every John Oliver rant is made better by hearing Andy Zaltzman choke on his words a little as he tries to respond. You know that thing where people on panel shows will laugh too loudly at someone’s joke, and sometimes I’ve heard that joke said on a different show and those people were both there at that time so they’re clearly just pretending that this is their first time hearing it? I don’t even really mind that, I know that’s how panel shows are going to work. But The Bugle was the absolute opposite of that, and it’s great. No one was pretending anything. They had so much shared history, and if one of them said something the other had heard before, the other would point that out, probably accompanied by some story of who scored the last goal in the football game at which they first told that joke or something like that.

I’ve compared it to a sport before, and I maintain that that comparison. Sometimes, when they get into a really good rhythm, listening to it is exactly as impressive as watching two people who are really really good at a sport do that sport at each other for an extended period of time, with no interruptions, just the purest form of what they do.

In my own sport, you sometimes get that kind of magic when you have two training partners who’ve known each other and worked together for a long time. Person A learns exactly how to respond to everything Person B does, so Person B has to learn how to counter those responses, and then Person A learns how to counter that, and so on and so on. We talk in the sport about first-line/second-line/third-line defence, but if two people work together for long enough, they get into seventh-, eighth-, ninth-line defense. What do you do if you do this and then they do this and then you do this but they do this and you do this and they do this? No matter how good two athletes are, they don’t get that far against opponents they don’t know. The highest level of the sport I’ve ever seen in person has not been in the finals of national championships or at the international tournaments I’ve attended, it’s been in a practice room between two high-level athletes who are longtime training partners.

That’s the best analogy I have for why Zaltzman and Oliver worked. They kept trying to find ways to impress each other and surprise each other, kept finding different ways to respond to the other’s material, kept finding new ways to fit their ideas together. Learned exactly which way to go when one person tries one thing, and then how to respond to that, and they sound like they could go forever.

I’ve found it really sad, in my time in sport, when longtime training partners get split up because one moves away or moves on or something else. It’s a loss to the sport. You can’t just create that again. They were doing something that most people can’t do, and I hate seeing a dynamic that pushed the sport’s boundaries get dissolved.

I did think that when the initial era of The Bugle ended. Though I have to admit… okay, I hate ever admitting that any kind of change might have any upsides, because as a rule, I am no fan of change. But I have to admit that Andy Zaltzman’s comedy did start getting noticeably stronger in the few years that followed that. It had been getting better at a steady rate before that, you can hear it develop as the early Bugle years progressed, but there was a steep incline around 2017, as he began the new era of The Bugle. He jumped a couple of levels all at once.

I’m sure there are multiple reasons for that. He’s a topical and political comedian doing a trans-Atlantic podcast, and this did coincide with some major political shake-ups, trans-Atlantically. So he had new stuff to work with, and maybe some genuine emotional responses that created a more visceral feel to the comedy.

But also, as beautiful as a longtime training partnership can be, I have also, as a coach, sometimes moved around an athlete who’d been working with one person for too long. Told them that I know what they do with their main training partner is great, but there are massive holes in their game in the shape of all the things that one partner doesn’t do, and they need to work with other people to be more well-rounded. I’ve sometimes made the mistake of not doing that in time, and then taken an athlete who did amazing things in the training room with their one partner, sent them into a tournament they should have been good enough to win, and watched them get caught in something easy and obvious because they’d never learned how to respond to it.

I realize I’m stretching the metaphor here, possibly beyond the point where it makes sense, but that might have come into play with Andy Zaltzman. Like I said, John Oliver had other shit going on, but Andy Zaltzman, for years, wrote everything with the intention of fitting it into John Oliver’s contributions. I’ve heard his stand-up from those years – clips of it were often released as Bugle filler episodes, and a few other recordings of it are floating around – and it sounds like pretty much all his stand-up shows consisted of stuff he’d originally written for The Bugle. Which makes sense – he wrote so much for that podcast, he’s not going to write a whole extra hour for Edinburgh every year. He’s going to take the best of what he has.

Andy Zaltzman started trying new things when he wasn’t working with John Oliver anymore. He started combining the surreal stuff with the grounded political points in ways he never had before. Started injecting a little more real emotion into it, possibly because he was no longer playing the dispassionate foil to John Oliver’s grandstanding. I think he might be a better individual comedian now than he would have been if that hadn’t changed.

So he had the new and improved material, and he had new partnerships. Lots of new Bugle co-hosts, all of whom brought different things to the table, and gave him different things to play off. It was awkward at first, but he figured it out. Not really by getting less awkward, but by learning to work around it. Having multiple co-hosts who could play off each other. Starting live shows so they could play off the audience. Making the show about the variety of personalities and comedy styles, about the new features and the advances in Andy Zaltzman’s comedy, rather than the rapport between just two people.

And it’s not like he never had anything going with anyone else. I’d say the real turning point for The Bugle, back into something great, even if different, was when Alice Fraser got on board. She became a regular, and now appears in most episodes, alongside whoever else is there that week. Having that consistency again is good, and of course it’s good that it comes with someone who’s so individually funny, and who fits into The Bugle. Because she is, and she does. She has a similar sense of humour to Andy Zaltzman. She knows Andy’s sense of humour, she’s talked about having listened to The Bugle in the Zaltzman and Oliver days, she knew what she was getting into.

But still… Zaltzman and Fraser are very funny together, I would not call it the same level of “chemistry” as Zaltzman and Oliver. Same with Zaltzman and Kumar, even though Nish is on there a lot as well, and with his longtime friendship with Andy and longtime fandom of the original Bugle, he definitely knew what he was getting into and was the right fit for the show. Alice Fraser and Nish Kumar play effortlessly well off each other when they’re on together. And they clearly both have massive respect for Andy Zaltzman – I get the impression that they would both die for him and/or throw hands to defend his honour, if necessary. And they clearly both find Andy very funny. But still, there is a bit of a beat missing in their back-and-forth with him.

That still works, though. Andy Zaltzman’s relentless lack of chemistry with anyone in the world who isn’t John Oliver (and maybe Mark Steel) can be very, very funny. Awkwardness is funny. The awkwardness that stubbornly sticks around in Andy’s interactions, even with fellow comedians he likes and gets along with and shares a sense of humour with, can definitely be funny. There’s a difference between the awkwardness in early 4000-series Bugle episodes, when Andy clearly had no idea what to do with this Hari Kondabolu person, and the awkwardness of Andy Zaltzman just trying to talk to someone he knows and likes but isn’t quite in step with. The latter is quite entertaining.

Anyway. That’s what The Bugle is. I listened to episodes 4001-4200, from October 2016 to July 2021, last year. I listened to it stumble as it tried to rebuild, and then slowly find its feet, and then turn into something new and fantastic in its own way. I listened to that relatively recent interview in which Tiff Stevenson sounded like she was kind of trying to lead Andy Zaltzman toward admitting that the reborn version of The Bugle is actually better than the original version, and he politely (and awkwardly, as always) declined to do so, saying they’re both excellent and too different to compare.

And then I stopped. It was October 2022, and it was getting too close to the present. I’d started listening to The Bugle for the escapism, and the topical stuff was getting close enough to no longer be escapist. I decided I needed a break, so I put The Bugle on hold while I got into other things. I knew I’d go back and finish it, and I expected to do so sooner than this. I got rather distracted. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting my search for, among other things, Daniel Kitson recordings, to be quite so successful (honestly I lucked into it being unbelievably successful, it got rather out of hand). I was a bit busy discovering the collected works of the greatest comedian of his generation, and telling him to stop being a dick about Andy Zaltzman’s life’s work (and occasionally coming across a recording of Kitson performing with Zaltzman, which is always hilarious due to the absolute dearth of chemistry between them, Kitson has one story about a time when hanging out with Andy Zaltzman for a night was so fucking awkward that he had to cut off a dead pig’s head just to salvage the evening – there were other factors at play to make that evening difficult, but I think Andy Zaltzman also just has that effect on people, they find out they don't have as many human buffers as they were expecting between themselves and Andy, and they start cutting up farm animals).

So I’m going back to The Bugle. I’ve listened to every episode they’ve put out between October 2007 and July 2021, and I really may as well listen to the last couple of years worth of episodes, and bring it up to date. Episode 4261 aired last week, so that’s 61 episodes to catch up on. As I wrote that, and realized there are only 61 more episodes out of the hundreds I’ve already heard, I remember that I also put it on hold because I enjoy it so much that I don’t want to get to the end of it. But it’s all right, because they’re still putting out new ones regularly. Andy Zaltzman has dragged this podcast through so many changes and so many threats to its existence, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be around as long as he still has breath in his lungs and that shed in his backyard where he does his writing and personally keeps political comedy in the UK alive.

[the-firebird69]

Pharrell Williams, Miley Cyrus - Doctor (Work It Out) (Official Video)

We don't want to miss this but we're having a hard time here it's very hard but it's going to be harder and it's going to get more difficult and we're throwing everything we have at it and doesn't do anything and we keep doing it and this guy is nuts next door and the other guy is nuts and they don't know anything really weird stuff facing some really weird stuff soon enough. The max are unkind and mean and have huge facilities gigantic ships and we're in a lot of trouble. He was going to say something and that he's grown five and he's growing to 5'9 and a half from 5.8 and a half and everybody is talking about it going over the math checking it and I said I want a concourse with you said where'd you hear that word is it on the internet and he said okay it's over this height change so start talking to the pseudo empire people and now it's going on everywhere to argue with them and it's kind of our way and we're doing it cuz we have a problem and it's mutual and we noted it they're getting hit too. Not the same people and I came up too his height is really helping you didn't think it would but it is and they're going over over and over it and Big Joe is finally happy and he thought it was funny that you guys got a candy bar and he grew and he started remembering and yeah I'm kind of annoying but the robot could be taken over and the technology taken and yeah they would follow them up there and take stuff and that's what they would be up to. So you explained it on the radio I do tell you something this is working this method and it really was a lot to overcome and thinking things and he's trying to help himself and he's working through it and he might have a force like us though we're part of other people's Forest as rebels we have to learn to get along together I'm going to work on it and really he grew an inch fairly later on in a human's life is not normal and people are checking the hormone and some people have samples of hair eyelashes and those hold the hormones and he doesn't have any in him that are foreign and spit a lot of that okay it spits all the time and sometimes expensive put it in the trash and people take it out we don't have any samples of his special stuff poop they've been testing poop and sometimes he misses sometimes he flings it by accident I don't know how the hell that happens he's got really fast fingers he says and makes a mess and he moves real fast sometimes and doesn't know it he's trying to control it he's a child he's doing a funny thing like he wears diapers and he says sometimes the stem cells make tons of antibiotics and I noticed something he's having trouble with it now and it's true he thinks the other way around it could be and we're testing it and yes maybe he's on Pepto because of that but there aren't many of them because there's nobody drinking Pepto like it's fuel but it is hilarious it's kind of hilarious because people say look he grew an inch and tell us something because he's been that height for a while about 2 months he says and he thinks that that's what I think it's not that long but he's getting bigger and if he takes in coffee for a while he would be 6 ft almost one and he says maybe 6'1 because the disc get bigger and the bone gets bigger and they say almost 6 ft 1 and it's been trying to break that barrier for a long time and it's kind of funny because he says I don't think so though like 3 in or something 2 and 1/2 in and you're right he was thinking something else I guess almost 6 ft 11 okay 5'11 he says he's tired and he is tired and I'm tired so I'm going to sleep on it but really that's going to be a mess out there and we shouldn't fall for it but we do but he says there's some chips in there or something and it's true so to all I say good night and this is me

Miley Cyrus

Hope you don't get too happy when I get hurt and he thinks that she puts her liquid in it makes my brain solid and we have that stuff and I went off into the right and shrunk that's how it works good

Brad

Olympus

[gardenofava]

Maitsuki, Niwatsuki, Ooyatsuki

I Married My Female Friend

My Mom's a Superstar

My Cute Little Kitten

My Dearest Nemesis

I Decided to Fake a Marriage with My Junior to Shut My Parents Up

Even If It Was Just Once, I Regret It

Cheerful Amnesia

Ring My Bell! (Not on mangadex, official translation here)

Still Sick

Ebisu-san to Hotei-san

2DK, G-pen, Alarm clock.

Renai Manga

Maitsuki, Niwatsuki, Ooyatsuki Ongoing (last update Jul 11, 24) Asako moves to a new house to get over her recent breakup. She finds a great little place a bit removed from the city with a lovely garden, but there’s a catch—the house also comes with a live-in landlord!

I Married My Female Friend Complete Two women who are just friends make a pact… "If both of us are still single in 5 years, let's get married." Five years later, they meet again, and their married life begins.

My Mom's a Superstar Ongoing (last update Jun 16, 24) What will happen when an overly-supportive daughter discovers loads of photos of her mom, a famous actress, on the internet posing with her female co-stars in ways that "friends" would not do?

My Cute Little Kitten Ongoing (last update Jun 22, 24) A story of two close friends living together.

My Dearest Nemesis Complete The whole company knew that they they were polar opposites who fought like cats and dogs. Yet during the year-end party, the wall between them shattered after they got drunk! And so the two of them went from always being close to going off on each other to feeling very strange things following the accidental mishap...

I Decided to Fake a Marriage with My Junior to Shut My Parents Up Complete Morimoto is getting bugged by her parents to marry (a guy). Her (female) kouhai suggests she fake her marriage so her parents would stop but they will scrutinize every guy she might choose no matter what. Since there's a new law that allows homosexuals to marry, her kouhai suggests herself; only this kouhai has confessed to her before. What will become of their married life?

Even If It Was Just Once, I Regret It Complete One day, a jobless Kozuka Chiyo is wallowing in self-pity and trying to escape from reality when her landlord bangs on her door – she's three months behind on rent. Her landlord's solution? "Please have sex with me." Thus the two begin living together – a romance comedy that appears to start with sex.

Cheerful Amnesia Complete Mari's girlfriend, Arisa, loses her memories of the past three years, including all memory of their life together. However, it turns out that being crazy in love with someone transcends all realms of possibility.

Ring My Bell! (Not on mangadex, official translation here) Complete Hell yeah! A major publisher wants Mai Sohn to write a webcomic on relationships. But she’s struck with heartbreak as her girlfriend abruptly dumps her. It’s hard writing about relationships without being in one, so she needs to find the inspiration for love — and find it fast. And what’s up with her possibly homophobic neighbor? Why is she cool with Mai one minute and then so awkward and weird to her the next?! Can’t a girl catch a break?

Still Sick Complete Shimizu Makoto, a well-paid R&D lead for an industrial firm, has a secret - she draws and sells gay fanfiction on her days off. But when her sweet summery colleague, Maekawa, accidentally enters her secret world of girls who like other girls, Shimizu has to come face to face with some serious realisations… and deal with just how much of a weirdo Maekawa is!

Ebisu-san to Hotei-san Complete 'Ebisu-san and Hotei-san' is about two female office workers. Initially Hotei is not pleased when Ebisu is transferred to her branch, but gradually those feelings begin to change.

2DK, G-pen, Alarm clock. Complete A mangaka and her salarywoman roommate come to realize that their feelings of friendship might actually be something quite different.

Renai Manga Complete New manga editor Haruka has just been assigned to her favorite manga artist ever, Kuroi Ritsu. Kuroi-sensei's manga, "With You" motivated her to turn her life around. When she finally meets shut-in, mopey, entirely unfashionable Kuroi-sensei, Haruka is in for a bit of a shock.

Not that there's anything wrong with stories about adorable baby lesbians but does anyone have any recommendations for yuri about, like. Grown women?

Right now all I have is Superwomen in Love, and Does it Count if your First Time is With an Android, and that second one is basically just porn.