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thefallennightmare · 2 months ago

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Just Pretend-Chapter Twenty Nine

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit.

Parings: Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader

Warnings/Tropes: language, angst, fluff, smut(18+), star-crossed lovers, right person/wrong time, cheating, talks of mental abuse, talks of death, depressive thoughts, talks about not being able to conceive, and endometriosis.

Summary: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.” A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.

Authors Note: So what originally was supposed to be a super long chapter, I decided to cut it in half! So JP will end with Chapter Thirty-one! Also, this chapter speaks HEAVILY on endometriosis and not being able to conceive so please, read with caution if that may be a sensitive topic for you. 🖤

Tags[CLOSED]: @blueskylinesx @missduffsblog @hayleylatour @sleepyomens @loeytuan98 @artificialbreezy @marvelousmal @bngurngheart @lma1986 @dsireland86 @wild-child-7747 @calleyx13 @illmakeyousaywow @jaded-and-hollow-souls @exitwoundsx @shayzillaaaa @badomensls @princesspeach-00 @shadowseve @collective-heartbreak @klutzy-kay24 @sorrowsofsilence @sweetlittlekitsune @shilohrosechicken @itsafullmoon @toospooktocute @niicoleleigh @thatchickwiththecamera @hoe-for-daddywise @whenthesummerdies @thisbicc @sammyjoeee @joe9cool @ozwriterchick @teenblues @malice-ov-mercy @krisslee18 @xxkittenkissesxx @happi-goth @embracethereaper42 @softvgold @cncohshit @heyyoplayer @rain-down-on-me @bloody-delusion-expert @respectfulrebel @reader13000 @koskeepsake @malerieee @cheyyyyr @myownthoughts12 @noahsbong @laurpartyprogram @cloudykoookie @jessiskyee @a1ex-ba1ex @sideeyenoah @emzandthevoid @badomensls @bellaboo967 @waake-mee-up @rxdlstgn @anthemheatwave @lobolocaamo @cncohshit @amelia-acero @karenfranco @collidewiththesavannah @xserenax-13 @bleachampion @thepastelfae @supersquirrel1996 @madomens @themodern-daywednesday @oxythoughtin7715

THIS IS FICTION. NONE OF THIS IS REAL.

READER

I paced the entire bathroom while muttering under my breath and cracking my fingers nervously. My heart was beating so fast, I felt like it could explode out of my chest like one of those aliens in that one movie Davis made me watch last night. I grasped at my chest underneath my shirt, desperately hoping the pounding would stop.

This was the longest five minutes of my life.

I peeked at the timer on my phone and sighed; two minutes and 12 seconds left to go.

Weeks of feeling sick and sheer exhaustion had been nothing new for me, especially with my endometriosis. But there was something new that had me in this current position of nervousness.

My period was late. I’d always been regular, every month if falling either on the same day or two days difference but never this late.

Two weeks late.

My bottom lip was raw from how hard I’d been chewing on it and my feet ached from how fast I was pacing the space of the cold bathroom; Noah made sure to set the A/C to a chilled 66 degrees before he left this morning. Our plans of meeting had been pushed back by an hour because of my last minute decision. I knew he was wondering where I was since I heard his text tone while the timer had been going.

Excitement filled my veins because of the small idea that our future together could finally get the thing we both secretly wanted. Something that would make us complete.

I rested a hand over my stomach as I stared down at the timer on my phone.

Quickly hitting the cancel button, I took a deep breath and slowly reached for the overturned test on the bathroom counter. So many different thoughts ran through my mind; names, genders, color schemes for the nursery, who they would look like, and how loved they would be.

Negative.

I blinked slowly at the words on the pregnancy test, feeling my heart drop down to the depths way below my stomach. All the happiness I felt for possibly overcoming the hard parts of my endometriosis shattered in pieces around me. The prospect of a life that was never meant to be mine was ripped from my hands before I even had a chance to grasp it.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I blew out a shaky breath, doing whatever I could not to let the negative test break me. I should have expected it, women like me with these issues can't get pregnant. A baby and family with Noah wasn’t meant for me.

Kuma came bounding into the bathroom, shaking off the excess fur that had been littering the ground lately causing Noah to run to the store the other day to buy a Roomba.

Letting the test fall to the bathroom counter, I reached down to pet Kuma between the ears and sniffled away my tears.

“Hey bud. Ready to go?”

With a wag of his tail and a bark, he followed me closely as I went about the bedroom now, gathering my things. I was going to drop Kuma off at his favorite dog daycare on my way to meet Noah at the location for the next Bad Omens music video shoot.

Noah.

Pausing in the middle of my bedroom with one arm in my jacket and the other pulling up my leggings, I reached for my phone that was placed on the bed.

Mochi 🍡: I sat in the chair for almost six hours to look like this so when you walk in, you better still love me.

Attached to the text was a picture of Noah, one that made me let out a small yell of surprise.

Me: Woah, is this what I have to look forward to in the future? If so, sign me up.

Mochi 🍡: All yours for as long as you want, angel.

Even through the pain and utter feeling of loss, I broke out in a small smile.

Me: Hm, forever seems good to me.

Mochi 🍡: Ditto.

After sending him a text to letting him know I’d be there soon, I finished getting dressed and walked into the kitchen with Kuma trotting behind to see Michael giving himself a pep talk in the reflection of the patio door that led out to the backyard.

“I thought you would have left by now?” I asked.

He smoothed out his hair and adjusted his jacket. “I would have but I’m so fucking nervous. I’ve been on dates before so I’m not sure why this one has me shaking.”

“Because you like her, Michael. You’ve been talking almost every night. She’s waited almost a month of you taking things slow to ask her out. Lori wants this just as much as you do,” I said while ruffling his hair and scurrying away before he could retaliate.

As I reached the front door and clipped on Kuma’s leash, I noticed Tay coming down the stairs.

“Hey, you still don’t mind picking up Kuma from daycare tonight, right? I’m not sure how long I’ll be at this shoot.��

She eagerly smiled while tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Definitely! Jesse and I were planning on taking him to this cute little dog cafe downtown if that’s alright?”

It was my turn to nod. “He would love that.”

“Everything alright?” Tay questioned while raising a brow. “You look like you’re about to cry.”

Blinking rapidly, I cleared my throat and averted my gaze down to the ground. “Just tired. Noah’s been gone the last couple of days for this shoot. I don’t sleep well without him.”

Tay sighed while grabbing both of my hands, forcing me to look at her. “You can talk to me, you know that right?”

Pulling my lips in a thin line, I nodded. “Ye-yeah. I know. I promise I’m fine.”

Before she could say anything else, Jesse emerged from the back yard through the kitchen patio doors where he had been cutting the grass; shirtless. Tay’s attention was immediately averted towards him which I used as my opportunity to slip away.

Waving goodbye to them, I put on a brave face and prepared myself to shift into work mode, hiding the pain behind the smile on my face.

NOAH

I bounced on the soles of my feet, excitedly waiting for Y/N to arrive. My one gloved hand was shoved deep in my coat pocket while the other was out as I stared down at the makeup that went into making it look old and wrinkled; along with my face. We never had plans to make a music video for Just Pretend but with how it blew up over night on Tik Tok and we realized how much people love the song, we knew it had to be done.

Just Pretend was mine and Y/N’s song, something that was meant for the two of us. But my mind immediately began to run with ideas on how we could make the music video work for our Concrete Jungle universe. Thankfully, she was on board with the entire idea even though she was a bit worried about her being in the music video with me.

“It’s just your arm and bracelet, angel. No one will see your face.”

“Five minutes, Noah!”

Glancing over my shoulder towards Erik, I nodded. “Y/N’s almost here.”

Erik Rojas nodded with a sly smile before looking back at the computer monitor, going over what we had shot yesterday with the younger couple in the music video. I worked from 8 in the morning to nearly midnight and by the time I got home and crawled into bed next to Y/N, she was fast asleep. This morning, I left even earlier with a kiss to her forehead. For nearly six hours, I sat in a chair so the make up department could age me by sixty years.

“Well, who’s this handsome fellow?”

Turning on my heels, my heart soared into my chest when I saw Y/N walk through the door of the building we were shooting the video in, her usual glow behind her; one that I immediately noticed was muted gray, darkness creeping in.

“Are you alright?” I questioned while cupping her cheek with my gloved hand.

Her face faltered, only for a moment, before she gave me a bright yet forced smile. “I’m tired, that’s all. I can’t sleep without you.”

The pain was evident behind her smile. I parted my lips to ask her again but Y/N was quick to change the subject.

“So this is what old Noah looks like, huh?” She tapped my wrinkled cheek before scrunching up her face in disgust at the large premade stain of my white shirt. “How bad is it bothering you that you can’t wash that?”

I groaned while letting my eyes shut. “So bad.”

We both shared a laugh as I brought her into my embrace, catching her wrist with my gloved hand. “Did you wear your bracelet?”

Motioning towards her caught wrist, I pulled down the sleeve of her jacket to see the silver chain around her.

“I never take it off, Noah. You know that.”

All I could do was nod, the festering feeling of Y/N hiding something from me was a storm inside of me. We always talked to each other about things that were bothering us so it upset me that she tried to keep this to herself. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, I could read her like a book and she was the part where the main character was about to do something drastic to keep their secrets. Knowing that now wasn’t the best time to bring it up, I averted the subject for the time being.

“Does this old man get a kiss from his best girl?”

Y/N hummed while stepping on the tips of her toes and brushed a kiss across my lips. It was one that was barely felt, gone before it registered in my brain. Something unlike her.

“Angel,” I began but she was swiftly called over by the make up department, needing to get her ready for her part of the music video.

Giving them a nod, she turned back towards me to ruffle my hair. “I’ll see you in a bit, mochi.”

She slipped through my fingers like a ghost, further creating distance between me; physically and spiritually. My gaze lingered on her, long after she was gone, and I tried hard not to let the worry I felt for her cloud my mind today. We still had a lot of work to get done on this music video.

“Noah, you ready?” One of the assistants helping out Erik called over to me from his position next to the old chair surrounded by monitors.

“One second,” I said while pulling out my phone and clicking on the ‘House Boy’s’ group chat.

Me: Did Y/N seem weird to you guys this morning?

Michael: Nope. She gave me shit about being nervous for my date with Lori.

That was normal for her.

Jesse: Tay said when she ran into Y/N before she left, it looked like she was about to cry.

My head snapped up from my phone down to the hallway where Y/N had just walked down moments before.

She was crying?

Me: Something seems off with her. I tried to talk to her about it but she blew it off.

Jesse: I’m sure she doesn’t want to ruin the mood for the shoot. Maybe try talking to her about it again later?

I sighed, knowing that Jese was right. Both Y/N and I were professionals when it came to our work; here wasn’t the place for a conversation that could potentially lead to her crying.

Me: You’re right.

Me: Also, Michael, can you feed Salem? I noticed his food bin was empty but didn’t have time to refill it on my way out this morning. We keep the extra bags in our bathroom closet.

Michael: That’s a weird place to keep extra bags of cat food. But sure. I’ll do it for my bud Salem.

Pocketing my phone with a breath, I shifted into work mode and spent the next little while filming my part of the video; finger pressing the button of the remote in my hand and clawing at the tube in my throat. It was pretty easy and went smoothly. By the time I finished, Y/N had returned dressed in a white cardigan sweater and her left arm done with the special effect make-up, her bracelet sparking under the low light of the set as I sat up from the chair.

“I still think we should have aged you by sixty years so we could match,” I joked as she reached me.

“Will you read to me by the ocean when I’m old and gray?” She teased while pulling me closer by my own sweater to press a kiss to my lips.

“Until our last dying breath,” I vowed with all the seriousness in my voice.

Our eyes met in a fiery trance, neither of us wanting to break it first and the longer we stared at each other, I could see the light slowly beginning to ignite behind hers once again. The light that was her halo, however, was still flickering.

“Are you ready for your big moment?” I asked as we began walking down the long hallway towards the made up hospital room where Y/N would be.

She snorted while linking our fingers together, hands beginning to sway between us. “All I have to do is lay there while the doctors try to save my life. Just show the bracelet and make sure it looks pretty.”

I pulled us to a stop in the hallway, twirling her around and pulling her into my chest; her laughter echoing all around us.

“That shouldn’t be too hard for you because you’re always pretty,” I winked before capturing her lips into a kiss.

This one had a bit more force than the last but I could still tell something was bothering her. It pained me that I wasn’t able to talk to her about it because it was evident that something happened this morning before she left the house, something pretty important that she felt the need to keep hidden.

My phone buzzed three times in the pocket of my pants but I ignored it, deciding to keep Y/N in my arms just a few seconds longer. She brushed away a few strands of hair from my face.

“I can’t get over how good you look,” she breathed over my lips before pushing away from me and following Erik into the room at the end of the hall.

With a cheeky smile, I walked back towards where I was previously sitting in the chair with the monitors around me. The plan was for me to wake up from my memory core dreaming when the memory of my younger love was dying and follow the doctors down the hall to where old Y/N was laying in the bed dying.

My phone buzzed again in my pocket as I sat back down in the chair and when I fished it out of my pants, I gave a confused furrow of brows at Michael’s missed call and texts.

Three of them, in fact.

Michael: DUDE WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE.

Michael: Has Y/N said anything to you more about what was bothering her?

Michael: I fed Salem by the way.

Knowing I only had a few minutes before we needed to start shooting again, I quickly typed up a response.

Me: No she hasn’t. She seemed fine now when I was talking to her. I think whatever was bothering her, she’s over it now.

Michael: You sure about that?

“What?” I muttered under my breath.

Me: What the fuck do you know?

I couldn’t wait for his response because soon Erik poked his head into the room. “We’re about ready.”

Tossing my phone over to Bryan who had been on the set with us taking pictures, I pointed to him. “If I get another text from Michael, will you let me know?”

He nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

Even though my mind was whirling from Michael’s texts, I did my best to not let it affect me. All we had left was a few hours of this music video shoot and then once we were back home, I could talk to Y/N about what the hell was bothering her.

READER

Stifling a yawn behind my hand, I dragged my feet up the freshly cut lawn towards the front door, ready to put an end to the very long and exhausting day. The darkness of the night sky blanketed over me, bringing a chill to my bones. The thought of being able to wash away today and crawl into bed brought a small smile to my lips, although it never reached my eyes.

Glancing over my shoulder towards my car, I expected Noah to be following behind me but I frowned when I remembered he stayed back on set for a couple of reshoots he and Erik wanted to do. Pulling out my phone, I sent him a quick text.

Me: I made it home. I’m going to shower and get some sleep. Please don’t be too late, I miss sleeping next to you for more than a few hours.

Noah responded before I even had a chance to pocket my phone.

Mochi 🍡: I’m actually leaving now. Erik is forcing me to leave since I’ve been here since 8 this morning. Save me some hot water? I need to scrub this glue shit off my face.

Smirking, I stepped through the unlocked front door while typing away my message.

Me: Better yet, I’ll wait for you to shower. Save water, you know?

I wasn’t able to see Noah’s response because I jumped, nearly dropping my phone when my eyes landed on the figure sitting in the corner of the barley lit living room. His eyes darker than the cloud that had been hovering over me all day and I took a large step back against the wall behind me, clutching my chest.

“Please tell me you told him,” Michael sat up in his chair, elbows on his knees.

I swallowed thickly while adjusting the strap of my bag on my shoulder. “I need to take Kuma out.”

I made it all of two steps before he rose from his spot, his deep voice stopping me in my tracks.

“Did you tell Noah?” He repeated again, this time more stern than the last.

“What are you talking about?” I semi snapped, turning towards him.

“Don’t play dumb, Y/N.” Michael scoffed while resting his hands on his hips. “I found it.”

My face blanched, all the color draining from it and I cleared my throat. “I have no idea-.”

“Fuck, Y/N. You left it on the bathroom counter!” He exasperated while running a hand through his already disheveled hair.

“You went into my bathroom?!” My voice was raised as I pinned him with a thin stare. “That’s an invasion of privacy, Michael!”

The sharpness of his face softened just a fraction with the hardness of my tone so he let out a long sigh.

“Noah asked me to grab the extra bag of cat food from your bathroom so I could feed Salem. I swear I didn’t touch it but I saw it lying out on the bathroom counter,” he explained.

Fuck.

I remember getting distracted with Kuma this morning so I never threw it out. I left it out on the bathroom counter, out in the open for anyone to see; for Michael to find.

“Did you tell Noah?” I questioned with a tight grip on the strap of my bag, knuckles turning white.

Michael shook his head. “No. It’s not my business to tell him. Do you plan to?”

I let out a staggered breath while shifting all of my weight from one foot to another. I thought about telling Noah about what happened this morning but with how busy we were today, I never found the best time to. And to be frank, the work space wasn’t exactly a perfect scene for this kind of conversation.

“It’s better he doesn’t know, Michael,” I blew out a shaky breath as the tears welled up in my eyes.

The walls that I had made to block myself from the dreaded feeling of failure were crumbling, cracks withering deep within my soul. Noah would have been crushed if I told him and the last thing I needed was for him to feel like he was the failure when none of this was his fault.

It was on me.

Michael gently took off my bag and set it on the couch before wrapping his arms around me. His familiar embrace brought on the tears, rapidly falling in quick succession and I gripped at the front of the shirt, letting the feeling of my shortcomings and lies overcome me.

His large hand rubbed at my back. “It’s alright, Y/N.”

“Why would he want to stay, Michael? I’m broken. Unfixable. He doesn’t deserve that,” my sobs were muted by his gray sweater as I buried my face into Michael’s chest.

Sympathetic hands lifted my chin so I had no choice but to look into his eyes.

“You. Are. Not. Broken.” Michale’s word were punctuated by a tender squeeze of my cheeks.

I couldn’t speak, couldn’t even nod with how from his grip was, so I remained silent.

“Noah still loves you, even with these flaws you claim to have. You know deep in your heart that he deserves to know the truth because if he finds out another way, it’s going to hurt him even more than you keeping it a secret,” Michael said.

I did my best to nod. “I-I know.”

“Good,” he kissed the top of my head in a protective brother sort of way. “I’m sorry if I came at you like a dick. It wasn’t my intention.”

I gave him one final hug before pulling away. “It’s alright. You were just worried about Noah. I’ll tell him. I just need time to process everything. I haven’t had a chance to breathe and mourn the idea.”

Michael nodded. “Understandable. Just don’t want too long, okay?”

“I won’t,” I sniffled.

With one final hug, I made my way through the kitchen down the long hallway towards my bedroom, with the sole intent of cleaning up the mess from earlier. As I stepped through the threshold, my aching heart doubled in size at what I saw. Salem and Kuma both curled up on the bed. Kuma had his large paw on top of Salem’s back, almost as if he was keeping him in place on the bed.

With a faint smile, I pulled out my phone to snap a picture just as Noah came barreling through the door seconds behind me; Salem and Kuma jumping from the sudden noise.

“Fuck!” I clutched at my heart, it beating hard in my chest.

Noah’s almond eyes were bright with excitement even with all the prosthetic glue stuck to his face still.

“Guess what?!” He asked while gripping my elbows.

I giggled at him as he gently shook me. “You can say avocado correctly?”

His smile faltered only for a fraction of a second. “You’re lucky we're in a time crunch otherwise I’d bend you over the bed and smack your ass for being a smart ass.”

Swallowing thickly, I managed to ask him what he was so excited about.

“Courtney called me while on my way home, I guess their opener for their show tomorrow night can’t make it because their van broke down. She asked if Hollow Souls could open up? The only reason why she called me was because she didn’t have your number.”

My heart was beating so loud in my ears, I thought for a second I misheard him so I had to wave a hand, stopping his rambling.

“Wait. Courtney as in Spirit Box? She wants my little band to open up for her?” I asked, dumbfounded.

There was absolutely no way a band like Spirit Box wanted Hollow Souls to open up for them? We weren’t on the same level as them; us farther down the list.

Noah chuckled while kissing my lips before moving about our room to start packing a bag. “Give yourself some credit, angel. Hollow Souls is one of the biggest metalcore bands right now.”

“Yeah but-,” the words trailed off as I chipped away at the fading nail polish.

“Y/N,” he sighed while setting down our matching pair of duffle bags on the bed. “You know Hollow Souls is where they’re at because of all the work you, Chase, and Malcolm have put in. Toot your own horn, angel.”

My lips curved up in a smile, knowing that he was right.

“I’m assuming you already told Chase and Malcolm?”

“Yep, they’ll pick us up in an hour. We figured we leave tonight and that way we’re there before soundcheck.”

Nerves ate away at my insides, this being the first time Hollow Souls performed on stage in quite awhile. We did have a future tour planned in a few months so this actually was a good way for us to dip our feet in again.

“Where’s the show?” I asked while finally starting to pack my own bag, Noah nearly finished with his.

“Las Vegas. It’s a two night event but they only need us for the first night so I thought we could do something fun while we're out there,” he suggested.

“Us?” I questioned while zipping up my suitcase.

Noah smirked, showcasing his pearly whites. “Courtney asked if I could come out during Holy Roller.”

I quipped a brow. “You guys do know both of you on stage together are going to kill everyone, right?”

He walked past me, leaving a kiss on my cheek. “Just think of what would happen if we were on stage together.”

I watched in horror as he walked towards the bathroom and I nearly stumbled over my feet to stop him; never having the chance to clean up the pregnancy test I left behind earlier. I beat him to the bathroom seconds before he could walk past the doorway.

“Uh, I’ll pack up the toiletries. Do you want to make sure that Jesse and Michael are fine with watching Kuma and Salem?”

Noah tilted his head towards me, confusion etched on his features. “You know they don’t care, angel.”

I pursed my lips. “Right. But I just want to make sure. Since it’s last minute, I’m not sure if either of them have something already planned.”

If he didn’t believe my words, he made no mention of it. Instead, he nodded before quickly stepping out into the hallway right outside our bedroom, yelling down to the living room.

“MICHAEL?! CAN YOU WATCH MY KIDS THE NEXT TWO DAYS?”

Rolling my eyes, I called over my shoulder while scurrying into the bathroom. “I could have just done that!”

“Then why didn’t you!” Noah shot back playfully as I scooped up what was left behind on the counter, forcing myself not to adhere to the rejection, and throwing it into the trash next to the toilet.

READER

I sat with my back against the headboard, knees pulled up to my chest as my sketchbook lay across my lap. It had been a very long day due to travel, and I only wanted to lay in bed while wallowing in my own failures. We returned back from Vegas earlier this morning, the last four days a whirlwind of emotions that I had yet to process. From the moment Hollow Souls opened up for Spirit Box, to seeing Noah perform next to Courtney, and from running into someone who I spilled all of my secrets to; one who understood.

My fingers were black from the charcoal clutched between them while Kuma lay at the end of the bed and Salem perched on Noah's pillow. I hummed a quiet tune, finding myself deep in the zone that helped keep the moment from last night out of my mind. All of my hopes and dreams were crushed in a matter of minutes and it was something that was still severely affecting me. I made a mistake, one that I was afraid I’d never return from. I refused to let Noah know what happened. It was a secret that I planned on taking with me to my grave.

"Angel?"

"Hm?" I answered Noah, not bothering to look away from my sketch.

"What's this?" He asked, voice stern with anger.

Glancing over to his frame as it stepped out of the bathroom, I sucked in a breath when I saw what he'd been holding. All of the colors drained from my face as the room around us shifted on its axis, everything falling away from me without giving me a chance to grasp it.

Shit.

My negative pregnancy test. The one I thought I had thrown away before we left; four days ago.

Swallowing thickly, I set down my sketchbook and sat up straighter. “What is that?”

Noah’s eyes narrowed in on me as a scoff left his lips. “You tell me. I found it in the bathroom trash can.”

“Why are you digging through the trash?” I asked, deflecting his curious eyes as I picked at a loose thread of our blanket.

He rested his hands on his hips, still holding onto the damn test. “I went to empty the bag and noticed the test sitting on top. How long has it been there?”

“It’s none of your business,” I shook my head, not bothering to meet his gaze anymore, unable to process the look of pure hurt on his delicate features.

“Bullshit!” Noah spat with such force in his voice, it made my face flinch. “I’m tired of how you’re keeping things from me! It started last night with Joe and now this-!”

He held up his hand, waving the test around. “You don’t get the right to hide something like this from me, Y/N!”

“I didn’t keep Joe a secret from you! I told you he was there,” I reminded him, still sitting on the bed.

Kuma and Salem could feel the tension rising but made no effort to leave us.

“You won’t tell me what you two talked about,” he reiterated, our earlier conversation from the car still lingering between us.

Last night while we were in Vegas, I ran into Joe in the lobby of the hotel we were staying in. nothing, nowhere had a concert in a few days hence why he was in Vegas. Noah was up in our room, sleeping, and I had come down to get more towels from the front desk. Instead of hurrying back up to Noah, I stayed with Joe catching up on one of the couches in the lobby. I spilled everything to him about my hopes and dreams of a family with Noah to the negative pregnancy test. Joe was there as a shoulder to cry on as I poured my soul out to him, bleeding out and barely holding onto my heart.

After an hour of conversation, I promised I would keep more in contact with Joe and headed back up to my hotel room, where Noah was still fast asleep. It wasn’t until this morning I brought up that I had run into Joe and spent part of the night talking with him. When he asked what we talked about, I merely told him we just caught up while talking about both of our separate music careers. If Noah caught on that I was lying, he made no mention of it as we drove home with Chase and Malcolm in the backseat; neither of them knowing my secret.

For the briefest of moments, I thought that Noah had forgotten about the test in his hands.

“Did you take it this morning?” He tossed the test onto the bed before running a hand through his mahogany streaked hair. It had been a while since I gave him a haircut so the strands were always falling into his eyes.

“What was the result?” Noah asked when I remained silent, still keeping my eye cast down to my lap.

Since it had been a few days, the negative lines faded, not showing Noah the result. When I still said nothing, not finding my voice to tell him the truth, I could feel his displeasure radiate off of him in droves.

“God dammit it, angel! Look at me, please!”

The sheer brokenness in his voice as it cracked finally made me raise my head up towards him. “I’m tired of you shutting me out. I deserve to know what the result was.”

Noah slowly reached for me, hands linking with mine as he pulled me to my knees on the bed so his tender fingers could caress my cheek. Tears ran down my face, unable to hold back any longer. For days I did my best to keep up the facade that everything was fine, I wasn’t falling deeper and deeper into the abyss of defeat. But one longing glance from Noah as his eyes bounced between mine had me crumbling.

“Angel,” his voice was rough as he begged. “Please tell me it was positive.”

A broken sob fell from my lips when I saw the hopeful gleam in his eyes and did my best to shake my head in his grasp.

“It was negative.”

Noah now stood before me a shattered shell of the man he’d spent so long protecting. Every ounce of happiness that he had expressed from that one look was gone, replaced with an all too familiar one.

Disappointment.

“When did you take it?” He wondered, again doing his best to stay strong; not just for me but him as well.

“The morning of the Just Pretend shoot,” I admitted in a quiet breath.

Noah’s brows pulled together in a line before his hands fell from my face. “You knew about this for the last four days and you didn’t tell me?”

My lips parted, unable to speak when I realized I had outed myself about my secret.

“Were you even going to tell me, Y/N?” His voice shook, trying his best to not break down. But his eyes shone with tears.

Slowly licking my lips, I did my best to ignore the way my heart was beating so loud in my chest it felt like I was about to cave in. My world was collapsing, slipping through my fingers because of my own failures and stupidity.

“No,” I answered in a breath.

NOAH

Tossing my gym bag next to the front door, I let the cool air help dry the sweat dampening the back of my neck as I stepped farther into the house. It was quiet, eerily quiet for a Tuesday afternoon. Typically Jesse would be in the studio garage working on ERRA stuff while Tay would be at work and Michael would be either playing a game in the living room or reading out back. They were in neither of those places. Even Kuma was gone but I didn’t fret too much about that one, knowing that someone had dropped him off at daycare earlier today. He was steadily growing in a house that was already too small for an Akita so he needed the extra space of the play yards at daycare to run around, exerting as much energy as he could before coming home.

Salem was perched on the top part of his cat condo in front of the window in the living room; the one I had bought for him when we first moved in here. The sun’s rays blanketed him in a bright glow, his black fur almost shimmering.

“Hey bud,” I cooed while scratching his ears. “Is mom home?”

A futile question. Y/N had barely been home the last couple of weeks, spending whatever free time she had either at Malcolm and Chase’s place recording stuff for Hollow Souls or helping Astrid out at Fika. They were down two workers and with Jolly being tied up in the studio with us, it meant Astrid was back to working long hours. Y/N, being the kind soul she was offered to help out. What originally was supposed to be a few days helping out turned into two weeks. Y/N would wake up in the morning before the rest of the house and leave with a kiss to my lips. Some nights, she wouldn’t return home until well after I was in bed with Kuma and Salem. I never questioned her about it, knowing that she was telling the truth on where she was due to her location on LIFE360. I also never questioned her about her long days and nights knowing that it was her way of coping with the negative pregnancy test.

We hadn’t talked about it since that night I found it in the trash. Part of me couldn’t help but think it was because Y/N was ashamed of the result. She knew how much I wanted a family and felt like a failure that she was unable to give me that. Even though I assured her all the time that between her and our pets, that was more than enough family for me.

My words meant nothing to her. It was as if it went through one ear and immediately out of the other. No matter how much I repeated them or spoke them into the skin of her neck as we lay tangled together in the sheets, it did nothing to fill the empty void in Y/N’s heart.

With a deep sigh, I dragged my feet through the empty kitchen, down the hallway towards my bedroom. The door was closed which gave me pause almost immediately. Whenever Y/N or I left, we always kept the door open, in case Kuma or Salem wanted to come and go. According to LIFE360, Y/N was again at Fika, so with the closed door in front of me, I couldn’t help but wonder who had been in our room.

Pushing the door open, I peered inside to see the bed still made just how I left it before I went to the gym and the patio door still cracked open to let in the chilled autumn air.

Maybe a gust of wind shut the door?

Letting out a choked breath with the familiar feeling of being forgotten clutching my jugular, I kicked off my shoes into the closet and trudged into the bathroom. The air was cold, not from the air conditioner but from the absence of the one that held my heart; the one my soul yearned for time and time again when Y/N was away.

Cliche but I didn’t care. She was my other half, the moon to my stars and the sun to my rays. When Y/N was too far away, the invisible string that ties us together nearly disintegrated. But when we were together, nothing could cut the string. It became invincible with the love we shared.

Again, cliche. But I couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thought.

Stripping out of my gym clothes that clung to me with dried sweat, I tossed them into the hamper next to the shower and turned the dial all the way to the left, letting the steam slowly begin to fill the bathroom. I stretched my arms above my head, muscles screaming in agony from how far I pushed myself today with Ash. I had weeks of pent up emotions that I was unable to exert any other way than in the gym. Ash knew something was wrong but didn’t want to pry, especially when there were others around that could easily eavesdrop on our conversation. Not like I would have told him because no one knew about the negative test besides Y/N and I.

Well, scratch that; Michael knew only because he saw the test on the bathroom counter. He promised us that he wouldn’t tell anyone about it and we knew we could trust him. This secret wasn’t his to tell.

I finally stepped into the scalding shower, the water hitting against the large tattoo on my back as I hung my head low, mind swirling to thoughts of Y/N and what she was doing currently. I texted her when I left the gym if she was going to be home for dinner, to which she responded with two simple words.

Angel 🪽: I’ll try.

Bullshit.

She never tried. Any chance Y/N could do to avoid the problems between us, she took it. She opted to help out others before herself, running herself rampant and nearly in the ground rather than face our problems head on. Y/N put others before herself, which wasn’t anything different. Yet this time, it was worse. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually watched her eat a full meal or had more than six hours of sleep.

We all could tell she’d been on edge the last couple of days, afraid that if we said one wrong thing that Y/N would snap. It felt like we had to walk on eggshells around her because of this fear. Tay wouldn’t say it but I could tell she was uncomfortable with the energy Y/N had been radiating, making the tension of the house thick with negativity. We knew it wasn’t her fault but there was only so much more one of us could take.

Me especially.

Y/N had been pushing me away ever since we came back from Vegas but Michael assured me that it wasn’t intentional. Deep down I understood that but my heart hurt everytime I would reach for her in bed and she would brush off my touch or turn away when I would attempt to capture her lips in a kiss. If she wasn’t the one initiating the contact, Y/N would push me away.

Once the water had run cold, I shut off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel low around my waist. Steam covered all the reflective surfaces but I didn’t bother to look, not caring to notice yet again the dark bags under my eyes. With Y/N being gone so often, I felt like I’d barely slept.

When I walked back into the bedroom, I saw Kuma curled up in the overly large dog bed in front of the patio door, snoozing away unbothered.

“Who picked you up, bud?” I muttered mostly to myself as I walked into the closet, pulling on a pair of briefs and black joggers. Then slipping into a plain white shirt, I hung up the towel back into the bathroom before walking out into the kitchen, towards an array of weary voices.

Suddenly I remembered that we were having everyone over tonight for a barbeque and more than anything, I wanted to crawl into bed with Y/N, who was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a pulled expression on her face. Her skin had lost all its color and the dark circles under her eyes were worse than my own, indicating she was getting less sleep than me.

As soon as I stepped into the kitchen, Kuma immediately ran towards Matt, who held Boo in his hands. After a quick greeting, Matt set down his dog to which both of them ran through the open patio door into the backyard. Feeling me watching her, Y/N looked up from slicing the tomatoes, resting her tired eyes on me.

“Hi,” I said while shifting on my feet. “Did you pick up Kuma?”

She made a grunt that sounded like a yes. “After I stopped at the store to buy everything for tonight. Something I thought you were going to do.”

Davis and Jolly, who were standing next to me, stiffened with the tone in Y/N’s voice. Matt and Faye were leaning against the wall next to the fridge and I could tell that they were having their own hushed conversations. Micheal and Jesse were outside, getting the grill ready. Astrid was standing next to Y/N helping her set up the side dishes for the dinner tonight and she rested a soft hand on her arm.

“Y/N-,” Astrid began but Malcolm, who was stocking the fridge with drinks muttered something in her ear.

I clenched my fists at my side when I realized how we all were yet again walking on eggshells around Y/N. I loved her but it wasn’t fair how she was treating us. But I bit my tongue knowing that if I snapped back at her, it would only escalate the situation.

Chase came up from behind me and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Just let it go, Noah.”

I planned too, like I always had but Y/N spoke again.

“I thought you were going to stop at the store to pick up stuff for dinner tonight,” she grumbled as she sliced a new tomato.

“I forgot that the barbeque was tonight,” I admitted while stuffing my hands deep into my pockets.

Y/N rolled her eyes before angrily slicing the tomato now. “Figures. Did you by chance pick up my packages from the PO Box?”

I swallowed. “I was in the studio all morning and then went to my training session with Ash right after. I didn’t have time. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t fucking talk to me about not having time, Noah,” this time when she sliced into the tomato, it rocked the cutting board. “I asked you to do two things tonight while I was gone. I’d been running myself ragged helping everyone else. The least you could have done is gone to the fucking store.”

My jaw clenched as I was about to retort back; however someone beat me to it.

“Y/N,” Faye’s soft voice echoed in the filled space of the kitchen as she tentatively took a step towards her. “Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh? Noah apologized.”

Y/N dropped the knife and whipped her head towards Faye. “This isn’t your fucking business, Faye. Stay out of it!”

Matt quickly pushed himself off the wall and stood between the two women. “Take a second and cool off, Y/N. Faye did nothing to warrant you snapping at her like that. She’s concerned like the rest of us are.”

“Fuck off! It’s not a concern. You guys just want to control me and my life when in fact you don’t know shit about me or what's going on!”

Matt’s eyes narrowed from underneath his hat. “Of course we don’t know what’s going on! You don’t talk to anyone. Noah says you’re barely home anymore, too busy helping others when you can’t even help yourself. You don’t even see how you’re hurting everyone around you because you don’t even see yourself.”

Malcolm stepped forward but Matt’s snarl pinned him in place.

“I don’t know what you’ve got going on outside of us, this family, but it’s been eating away at you. You’ve been in a nasty ass mood and if you think treating the people who love and care about you like this is going to make it any better, you’re dead fucking wrong. Our family is strong and while it’s not perfect, we fucking work through the bullshit together. If you think you can continue going on and dealing with your shit alone, then you’re destined to fail.”

My eyes never left Y/N as Matt’s words hung in the air, dancing around her in a mocking tone.

Failure. Failure. You’re such a fucking failure.

“Alright that’s enough!” My voice boomed, causing everyone to stop what they were doing and Jesse with Michael trailing behind to step back inside.

“Noah-,” Matt started but I pinned him with a glare as I stepped around the large island towards Y/N.

“We need to talk. Now!” I demanded while linking my fingers with her and all but dragging her down the hallway towards our bedroom.

The door vibrated against the walls as I slammed it shut behind us, not giving Y/N a second to speak before I started to speak.

“What you did out there,” I pointed towards the closed door. “Was so fucking wrong on all kinds of levels.”

“It wasn’t her business!” She shot back while crossing her arms over her chest.

For the first time since I laid eyes on her tonight, I noticed she was burying herself underneath my yellow sweater; almost hiding herself from everyone. Her usually styled dark hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, wild strands falling into her tired face and either she was too weak to brush them away or couldn’t be bothered to care. Even through all of it, she still looked breathtaking.

“Faye didn’t do anything! You didn’t need to snap at her like that.”

Y/N raised a brow while scoffing. “So what, you’re taking her side now?”

I blinked for a moment before letting out a very long breath and ran a hand through my still damp hair.

“It has nothing to do with taking sides, Y/N. It’s the fact that you’ve been acting cold towards everyone. You’ve been avoiding the issues at home by keeping yourself busy in places that don’t need you.”

“Astrid needs my help,” she fought back. “Fika has been busy every day since the new menu and the open mic nights every Friday.”

“She hired three new people this week alone. Does she really still need your help?” I questioned while resting my hands on my hips.

Y/N pursed her lips, no words forming on them.

Point proven.

“When you’re not at Fika, you’re in the Hollow Studios,” I blew out a shaky breath when my voice began to crack. “You’re putting others before you. You’re always helping other people out instead of taking care of yourself. When was the last time you ate something more than a granola bar or a salad?”

She was still quiet so I continued. “I’m tired of seeing you exert all of your energy on others when you’re barely hanging on, angel.”

It was as if my nickname for her softened the hardness around her, only a bit.

“I’m fine, Noah,” Y/N sneered while pacing in front of her vanity.

It had been untouched for weeks, gathering dust along the surface. She barely took the time to do her makeup or hair. Not that any of that mattered to me, I always thought she was beautiful no matter if she wore makeup or not. But I knew it made her happy, gave her a sense of peace in this crazy life we built together.

“You’re not, angel,” I noted while taking a step towards her.

She whipped her head around to face me. “Stop acting like you know me! I’m fucking fine. F.I.N.E. FINE! I’m so tired of everyone saying there’s something wrong with me when there’s not!”

“Everyone has been walking on eggshells around you! You snapped at Faye for no reason. All she’s done is care for you!” My voice was now raised, matching hers.

“I’m not fucking doing this!” Y/N ran fingers through her hair, gripping the ends. “I can’t keep having the same argument with you, Noah!”

I scoffed. “You want to talk about being tired? I’m fucking tired of you walking away when things get to real for you, Y/N. I’m so tired of you taking out your anger and frustrations out on me. I’ve been by your side through it all yet you keep lying to me!”

It was her turn to scoff, almost immediately going on the defensive. “I haven’t lied about anything.”

My brows raised and I rested my hands on my hips. “Are you sure about that? Did you already forget about the pregnancy test?”

“Fuck you, Noah!” Her dark eyes sliced through me. “I can’t believe you’re still hung up on that!”

“OF COURSE I AM!” I bellowed, my voice undoubtedly being heard throughout the house.

Even though my back was facing the patio doors of our bedroom, I could feel many sets of eyes through the open blinds.

“You lied to me about it! You kept the result from me and had no plan on telling me. After you knew what Jessica put me through. The trauma I went through for years because of her. You promised me you would never put me through that but you did!”

Y/N’s jaw ticked as her shoulders went rigid. “I didn’t fake a pregnancy.”

“No, you didn’t. But you kept the results from me,” I reiterated. “You said it yourself you weren’t-.”

“I DID IT FOR YOU!” She screamed, cutting me off, and I cowered when something flew past towards the wall behind me, glass shattering to the ground.

Salem, who had been creeping into the room through the somewhat open door, scurried back into the hallway from the tone in Y/N’s voice and the sound of something breaking. She grabbed a picture of us off of my nightstand and threw it in her rage.

I stood in front of her, dumbfounded Y/N actually threw something. My eyes were wide as my chest rose and fell, trying to calm my racing heart, all the while Y/N looked unphased about what she did.

“I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t bear to see the look on your face when I told you it was negative. You want a family so bad, Noah. I can’t give that to you. I can’t,” her head shook rapidly.

I threw my hands up in the air. “I-I don't fucking want that, Y/N. I just want you!”

Her bottom lip wobbled as she let out an unsteady breath, refusing to meet my gaze even when I took a few steps towards her which caused her to take larger steps away from me.

“I can’t do this,” Y/N murmured while playing with the ends of her hair, turning swiftly on her feet.

She made it all of two steps towards the door when my shattered voice stopped her in her tracks.

“You promised you wouldn’t leave me again! Not like this!”

“So what if I do? Are you going to find Bailey and fuck her again?” Y/N snapped, pinning me with her hateful gaze.

I stumbled back, her words catching me off guard. I knew my decision to sleep with Bailey that night was something that still bothered Y/N, even if she pretended it didn’t. It was a decision that I still regret. I didn’t like who I was back then and the choices I made reflected the dark place I was in during that time.

“That’s low, Y/N,” I growled, the noise vibrating in my chest.

There was some sort of noise from the other side of the cracked door, something sounding like feet scurrying away and cursing. But I didn’t pay too much attention to it. The woman in front of me, the shell of the woman I love, wasn’t even phased with the words she spat at me.

“You should go back to her. She can give you what you want,” Y/N shrugged before crossing her arms over her chest, popping out a hip.

She needs that attitude fucked out of her.

Everything happened all at once; me taking two large steps towards her and pushing Y/N against the wall, pinning her with my large frame. Her hands pushed my chest, trying to create more distance between us but I slammed them above her head.

Tears burned in the corners of my eyes and my bottom lip trembled as I gazed down at her, broken and defeated.

“I feel like you’re doing whatever you can to avoid being with me,” I confessed with a sob. “If I’m not enough for you, after the negative pregnancy test, then please let me know. Stop dragging me along, pretending everything is fine when it’s not! If I’m not worthy anymore, then just fucking tell me, Y/N.”

“It’s me that’s not worthy!” She admitted while thrashing against my hold on her hands. “I’m not worthy enough for you!”

Somehow with her rage, Y/N was able to break free from my grasp around her wrists and pushed me away.

“My body continues to fail. Failing at giving you what you deserve. I can never be worthy enough for you!”

I reached for her, only for her to push me against my chest yet again. “I’m broken. Some days I sit quiet in my head lashing out in thoughts I never said! Those thoughts of how I failed you and our future!”

“Y/N, you didn’t fail,” I assured, trying to reach for her, this time smacking my hands away.

“I get so sick of wearing skin and it only gets harder to pretend that I’m not a disappointment.” Y/N wiped away the snot from her nose on the sleeve of her sweater.

“And then you stare into my fucking soul,” she pounded on her chest. “Like you know that it’s letting go of yours. I can’t take the look of disappointment on your face every time you look at me!”

“I-,” the words died on my lips, knowing that it was futile to try and argue with her because it was true.

Whether I wanted to believe it or not, I couldn’t help but look at Y/N with some short of disappointment lingering at what we could have had together. Guilt ate away at me for even feeling that way. It wasn’t Y/N’s fault that her body could give us what we both secretly wanted.

“My skin crawls every time I see you look at me with those eyes,” Y/N shivered, her upper lip curled in a snarl. “Knowing that I disappointed you.”

“Angel,” my voice caught in my throat as the tears burned in my eyes.

“No!” She screamed when I reached for here one more time and slipped away from me towards the patio doors in our bedroom.

Her face was red and blotchy from how hard she’d been crying and her breathing was erratic as she tried to calm herself. She paced the width of the room while running a shaky hand through her already messed up hair and then ripped off her sweater, letting it drop to the floor. The dark circles under her eyes stained the beauty that I adored. Gone was the sun kissed skin, replaced with a ghostly pale that told anyone who gazed at her that she wasn't alright; she wasn’t taking care of herself.

The light was physically gone from Y/N’s halo and fear sank low in my gut that I would never see it again.

“You've been through the rough, angel. Was my love not enough for you?” I questioned on an end of a broken sob.

Y/N froze her pacing to land her broken gaze on me and those lips I haven’t properly kissed in so long mimicked a fish as no words came from them. Her shoulders fell and I could practically see the air leave her lungs when her head moved the slightest fraction.

“I-.”

My body went rigid as my heart shattered when I noticed something else that was different with Y/N.

I pointed a shaking finger at her bare neckline. “Where’s your necklace? Your bracelet?”

“Fuck,” she cursed, hands flying to her neckline hoping to hide the missing jewelry she claimed she never took off.

Please, let me wake up from this nightmare.

#tina talks #noah sebastian #bad omens #just pretend noah sebastian #bad omens cult #noah sebastian fanfic #noah sebastian fanfiction #bad omens fic #bad omens fanfic

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weirdsht · 3 months ago

Text

Disillusioned 13 . Insecurity, My Old Friend

a/n: you know how some artist can't choose an artstyle? that's me with my writing...

tags: insecurities, self-deprecating thoughts, anxiety and depression if you squint really hard, author typed this with one hand because my dog was sleeping on the other one so more spelling and grammar mistakes ahead

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are currently closed but my ask are still open (read pinned)

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There’s still a lot of things _____ doesn’t know. A lot of knowledge they have been deprived of because their old family didn’t deem them worthy to learn.

However

Despite all the things they don’t know they do know 2 things.

1. Their powers are useless in combat

2. In terms of offensive and physical abilities they’re the weakest

_____ knew these facts for a long time. They know that their role is outside combat. They know that what they must do is heal and support the people fighting on the front lines.

If it was the _____ of before they would be content with how things currently are.

If it was the _____ of before maybe they’ll even be proud.

But the _____ of before is different from the _____ of now.

So so different.

For once they’ve embraced the greed in their heart.

“I don’t think what you feel is greed, you just feel that way because that’s what they made you believe.”

This was what Rosalyn once told _____ when they disclosed their feelings and fears.

“What if you’re greedy? You’re following a trashy young master, it would be weirder if you didn’t become greedy.”

Was Cale’s response during one of their late-night talks.

In turn, they became more greedy.

Greedy for knowledge. Greedy for friends. Greedy for compliments.

Greedy for power.

But not the kind of power the nobles and royals are fighting for. _____ has no interest in ruling or influencing anything.

What they are greedy for is a power that will protect their family from harm. Power that can repel the enemies coming at them left and right.

An offensive power to put it bluntly.

They know it’s unneeded. They know that their group is already so strong.

They know it well.

But still

Still

Envy rushes through their body when they see the Tiger Tribe training in Harris Village.

Envy rushes through their body as they see everyone else in the underground villa get stronger.

Envy rushes through their body whenever Cale comes back with a new power.

Envy rushes through their body as stronger people join their family.

Envy rushes through their body every time they see the Sun God Twins.

Because what they have is the real deal. Even if Jack is only a half saint his still very powerful compared to the petty blessing _____ got. Even if Hannah is a fake holy maiden she’s still a swordmaster.

And that fills their body with envy.

_____ knows what they feel is wrong. That it isn’t right. _____ knows that they must be happy because this means that everyone in their group is more than capable.

They’re happy. They really are.

But at the same time, they can’t push those negative thoughts away.

Can’t push the nagging feeling that they’re useless. A baggage.

That was why when Cale was formulating a plan for his agenda in the Paerun Kingdom, _____ specifically asked to be left out. To be left at home.

Asking was nerve-wracking. It was the first time they had asked anything for themselves. It was a simple request, but they could feel how clammy their hands had become as they spoke. How fast their heart was beating.

Luckily Cale agreed.

Well, he was shocked that _____ made a request. It was obvious that he was planning on bringing the healer with him. But he agreed since it was the first time the _____ had asked for anything.

And so Cale’s group departed for Paerun Kingdom leaving _____ behind.

It felt odd but at the same time it didn’t

It wasn’t that odd because the two already experienced being apart when the redhead went to the empire.

Nonetheless, they were so used to seeing each other at every waking hour that it felt odd not to do so.

_____ decides to dwell on those feelings later.

For now, the healer intends to research if there’s a way to make their power stronger.

So they start reading every book and document about the Sun God and its blessings.

During the day they would study the books the Count and Countess gave them. Would learn more about territory work and noble etiquette. Then in the evenings, they would research as much as possible about the Sun God.

The healer poured blood, sweat, and tears every day. They did in the hopes that there would be the slightest clue about their powers.

This made everyone in the villa worried. Because sometimes they wouldn’t come out for days on end. Sometimes they would only come out to ask for help with their bleeding nose. Sometimes they would even knock only to see the healer passed out on their desk.

It made everyone worried.

And _____ knew that they were worried.

But they can’t stop. Not when they haven’t found the slightest clue yet.

Not when they still felt so useless.

So they pushed through. They continued their studies in the morning and then researched more in the evenings. They went from researching the Sun God and its blessing to reading about healing powers in general and learning more about human anatomy.

But still, nothing happened.

So _____ pushed themself harder.

Maybe they weren’t just putting in enough effort. Maybe they weren’t pushing themself enough.

A dangerous mindset and self-blame that lead to them being sick. Leads to nights of insomnia. To them losing appetite. In some cases, they would even get brain fog and then they would feel more irritated because of that brain fog.

Despite everything they never stopped. They just pushed themself to work even harder. Blaming the fruitlessness of their research to their inadequacy.

Then one day it ceased.

Not everything of course, but before they knew it they were working less. They didn’t even know how it began. However, they knew who had caused it.

Ron

_____ didn’t know when, but one day they woke up and Ron was serving them.

He was busy doing the tasks Cale assigned to him, but whenever he had free time, he would serve _____. He would serve the Medicus as he would Cale.

And the healer has no idea why that is.

At first, they questioned it. Questioned what they did to deserve Ron’s pampering. Questioned why would Ron do such a thing when his already so busy.

“Young master Cale isn’t here and this old man’s heart feels sad that I can’t serve him.”

Poor, sweet, and slightly gullible _____ believed Ron’s woes and benign smiles.

And so Ron began making sure that the healer wasn’t working themself to death.

Before _____ knew it they were sleeping early, eating on time, going on walks, and just having more work-life balance.

Sometimes when they work they feel like they can feel Ron’s piercing gaze, but when they turn around the servant is all smiles so they ignore it.

Days passed like that.

Over that short period, _____ became better at handling territory work and is now fluent in noble etiquette.

Their knowledge of human anatomy has also increased. It helped them use their powers more efficiently.

But they made no progress with researching their power itself.

They’ve read hundreds of books but none of them had something even remotely similar to the healer’s abilities.

All of them just consisted of normal healing powers or purification powers. Nothing about absorption or transfer.

“If healer-nim can’t find anything, what about try creating your own?”

Ron didn’t know where those words of motivation would lead to.

He didn’t know that those words would bloom into something dangerous.

One night, a day after Ron encouraged the crestfallen _____, the healer tossed and turned in their bed unable to sleep. As they did they remembered Ron’s words and decided to try it out.

Creating something of their own.

Creating what they want to happen with their powers.

And so the healer did just that.

When they put their mind to it, theories and possibilities started flowing naturally. They started thinking of all sorts of things that they could do with their powers. Until one stood out.

Reverse Healing

Out of all the things they thought of it was the most logical one.

Instead of transferring their vitality, _____ would transfer their wounds. Maybe they could even absorb the enemies' vitality instead of their wounds.

_____ is smart, they became even smarter after the books and tutoring the Henituse family provided.

They were smart enough to calculate the possibilities.

The Medicus would physically test it out but it wasn’t possible. There’s no one to test it out on as there are no enemies in the villa and everyone refuses to let them wander in the forest of darkness. Especially now that Cale, Raon, and Choi Han, their main ‘protectors’, are not home.

Plus they became busy with something else.

The day _____ is meeting Cale is nearing.

That takes priority above everything.

#trash of the count's family #lout of the count’s family #tcf #lcf #cale henituse #lotcf #totcf #tcf x reader #lotcf x reader #lcf x reader #totcf x reader #manhwa x reader #cale x reader #cale henituse x reader #gn reader #gender neutral reader #x gn reader #x reader #disillusioned . tcf

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millersdjarin · 2 years ago

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I Only See Daylight

Chapter Fourteen

Pairing: Din Djarin x F!Reader

Rating: E

Chapter warnings/tags: injuries, medical stuff, panic attacks, angst, negative self-talk/self-image, flashbacks, past emotional & physical abuse, lots of love despite all that though, violence, graphic (?) depictions of injuries, PTSD, scars, cults

Chapter length: 10k

Previous Chapter | Series Masterlist & Info | Full Masterlist

notes: SO sorry for the 2 week wait, y'all. the end of march is a crazy one for me, and i'm not all that well to top it off. hope this long chapter makes up for it! grab a drink, settle in, and enjoy❤️

and i can still see it all (in my mind); all of you, all of me (intertwined) i used to think love would be black and white; but it’s golden

Din is woken up by a soft scratching noise against the door.

You’re still in his arms, pressed against his chest now where he lies on his back. It takes him a second after he’s awoken to realise that he’s not wearing his helmet. He looks down at you, fast asleep against him, your head rising and falling with each of his breaths.

The kid coos outside.

He closes his eyes, sighs. The last thing he wants is to let you go.

His underwear is on the floor by the bed. Untangling himself from you as best he can without waking you, his feet hit the floor, and he pulls his boxers on, then opens the bedroom door just a crack, enough to pop his head around it. Grogu is standing there, and seems surprised to see him without his helmet on. Pleased about it, though.

He reaches out a hand like he wants to touch Din’s face.

“I’ll be out in a minute, buddy,” Din promises, keeping his voice low. “I just need to get changed, okay?”

Happy with this, Grogu turns and waddles off into the living area, lifting himself up onto the couch.

Din smiles fondly at him, then turns back to look at you. You’re lying on your side, still asleep and snoring, your hand laying against the mattress where Din just was.

Last night, it was like you thought he was going to leave. And he needs you to know that he won’t.

He wants to get back into bed with you, hold you, never let you go.

Instead, he gets dressed. For the first time, he hesitates before putting his helmet on.

It’s weird, unnerving, and he can’t let himself pay it any mind.

Din has been out most of the morning with Fett and a few of his soldiers.

“It’s just a few Pykes,” he’d told you that morning, pouring you a cup of caf. “Nothing dangerous. Shouldn’t take long.”

He was right about that part. But not about the not dangerous part.

Because now this is happening.

You’d been sitting in Fett’s lounge, enjoying your third mug of caf of the morning while overlooking the town below. Just a regular day, the suns shining, people going about their business in the streets, ships taking off in the distance. The kid is playing with a child-minder in the corner, fascinated by the selection of toys she brought out for him. You’d been enjoying watching the world go by, not worried for a second about Mando’s wellbeing, because you know how capable he is. And he’d told you not to worry.

That’s the last time you do what he tells you to do without question.

You hear a commotion downstairs, including Mando’s modulated voice in the midst of it. You know something is wrong, so you drop your mug, rushing over to the hallway and down the stairs towards the entryway, where you find the group of soldiers that had gone out on the mission, Boba at the front, with an injured and bleeding Mando hanging from his side.

“Mando!” You cry, only just catching yourself before you say his real name.

“I’m alright,” he says, but no, he’s not, he doesn’t even sound like himself, he can’t even hold his weight up—

“Get the doctor,” Fett instructs one of his workers, who nods and hastily rushes off down the hall.

You rush to Din, your hands frantically trying to find something to do, to help him, but all you can do is stare at the place on his thigh that is currently bleeding badly down his flight suit, crimson blood dripping down the beskar.

“I’m alright,” he says again, looking at you, at the fear on your face.

It all happens quickly. Before you can ask what happened, before you can tell someone to fucking get him sitting down and elevate his fucking leg, there’s a crowd of people coming into the room with a stretcher and a doctor in tow. They get him sitting on it, then lie him down, and it takes half a dozen of them to carry him down the corridor, and away from you.

You’re just standing there, your head swimming, and somehow his blood is on your hands even though you don’t remember touching him.

Shand comes to your side, looking like she’s going to try and reassure you, but you’ve already taken off down the hall, following the group of people who are taking Din away from you.

You jog to catch up, following them into a med bay tucked behind a sand-coloured door. It’s substantial, all white-walls, divided into sections with silvery metal dividers, beds between each one. It’s empty in here, Mando the only person currently in need of help.

Which is probably for the best, because he can’t get himself off the stretcher and onto a bed; he can’t put his weight on his leg at all. So everyone has to help him, which you know he’ll hate, you can see it in his body language that he’s not just uncomfortable from the injury, but from all these people fussing over him. From the fact that he can’t help himself.

“What happened?” You rush to his bedside, ignoring the woman who tries to tell you to go away. As if.

Mando looks up at you, his hands clenched tight into fists on his stomach. You stand by his head.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Din says, voice more strained than you’ve ever heard it, pain evident in the set of his shoulders. “I was standing too close to a detonator.”

“You what? A detonator?”

“I—shit,” his gaze moves to the doctor, who is currently looking in detail at the piece of—holy fuck, there’s a huge piece of fucking shrapnel sticking out of the side of his thigh, ripped right through the thick fabric of his flight suit. It’s only an inch away from the armour. Fucking unlucky. And to make it worse, there are smaller gashes around it, where metal has obviously struck him and fallen out, which is what’s causing the bleeding.

There are three people on him, pressing gauze into the open wounds, holding pressure to stop the bleeding. Another person is gathering a blood bag and an IV, readying the transfusion. Someone else is cutting into his flight suit, removing the plate of armour from his leg to allow them full access.

Then his skin is on show, and it’s fucking littered with cuts and bruises, some actively bleeding, some not—

“Holy shit,” you breathe, feeling light-headed again. You stare at his leg, wide-eyed, tears stinging in your nose.

Mando’s hand is in yours, then. Holding tight. “I’m alright,” he says, again, and it’s obviously a fucking lie because he is not alright! He is so not alright!

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I need you to step back,” the doctor tells you.

You look at him, more offended than you’ve ever been. Making a point, you hold Din’s hand tighter.

“I’m sorry, I need to stand where you are if I’m going to help him as best I can.”

“Cyari’ika,” Din’s voice is pained but soft, calling you to look at him instead of glare at the doctor. (Which is probably unfair; he’s only trying to save Din’s fucking life.) “I’m alright. Let them take care of me. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

It takes everything in you to let him go.

Your hands are shaking as you step backwards, pressing yourself up against the room divider.

The doctor moves in straight away. He asks Din if he can remove his helmet, check for signs of concussion; Din says no, of course. But he does accept the heart monitor they want to attach to his finger, removing his bloody glove to clip it on. He keeps his eyes on you the whole time, even when the doctor is asking him questions about what happened, how he’s feeling, if there’s anywhere else he’s hurting.

The room is alive with bustling chaos, but Din’s eyes are warm on you, even through the visor—as always—and you force yourself to focus on it, on the rise and fall of his chest. And then, once the heart monitor is hooked up and beeping away with each beat of Din’s heart, you focus on that, too.

You don’t know how long you stand there for, watching it all happen.

They stop the bleeding of the smaller wounds, stitch up the ones that need it. Then they go to remove the large piece of shrapnel, and the heart monitor picks up speed as they pull it out; you hear the squelch of it against his flesh, see the blood start to pour from the wound the minute it’s open, the way every muscle in him clenches against it. His breath hitches. He doesn’t let out noises of pain, but you can only imagine how he’d feel if you could touch him. How his face must be twisted in pain.

At first, his gaze on you had been for your own comfort. But now, as he stares at you, you can tell that he’s the one seeking the reassurance.

So, you don’t look away. You hold his eyes like you wish you could hold his hand. You clasp your hands over your heart, feeling it racing just as fast as his, and try as hard as you can to make yourself look reassuring. Comforting. Familiar.

At some point, the crowd of doctors and medical assistants thins out, only a few of them remaining now that the bleeding has stopped.

His leg is stitched up in seven places, bandaged to within an inch of its life. They had to cut through the entire leg of his flight suit. The armour that sat upon it is on the floor, kicked beneath the bed. It feels wrong. He removes it so methodically, treats it with so much respect and care. Now it’s just been haphazardly kicked beneath this hospital bed, and it’s covered in blood, and you know that that will upset him just as much as the injuries themselves.

But, he’s alive.

Covered in blood, cuts, and bruises, yes.

But alive.

“Can I…?” You take a tentative step closer to Din, looking at the doctor for affirmation.

He gives a polite smile. “Yes. Thank you.”

You’re at Din’s side in a minute, reaching out to grab his hand. You nearly knock the heart monitor off his finger. Your other hand lays flat on his chest plate as if searching for his heartbeat.

He holds your hand tightly, looks up at you.

“What the fuck happened?” You whisper, feeling suddenly weak in the knees. You’ve been holding back from him for the last fuck-knows how long, but now you can touch him again, now he’s here, and all the fear that you’d kept locked away for his sake as he looked at you for comfort is coming back.

“It was a bigger cell than we thought,” he explains, “they had detonators.”

“Fuck,” your head falls, presses against his chest plate. You take in the rise and fall of his lungs, the breathing you can hear through his helmet.

“I…saw one of Fett’s soldiers standing too close when it landed. Pushed them out of the way.”

You shake your head. “Of course you did,” you say.

He takes a breath to say something, but you’re both momentarily distracted by the doctor coming back into Din’s space, holding a chair out like an offering.

“I thought you’d like to sit down,” he says, smiling and placing the chair behind you. You feel bad for glaring at him now. “He’s stable, as you can tell. I’ll be back shortly to check his vitals, but for now, just rest.”

“Thank you,” Din says, so sincere and earnest that it hurts.

You sit down, pull the chair in as close as it can get. Your face hovers above his helmet, gazing right into his visor. He lifts his spare hand and brushes it down your temple and cheek, cradling your jaw in his palm.

“I’m okay,” he says.

“You’re not okay,” you protest, laughing humourlessly. “You’re very much not okay.” The blood bag is hanging above him, half empty.

“I will be,” he promises, brushing his thumb over your cheekbone.

“You told me it wouldn’t be dangerous.”

“I…believed it when I said it.”

A surprised laugh comes out of your mouth. You shake your head, disbelieving. “You’re infuriating, you know that?”

“I’ve been told.”

For another second, you look down at him. Then, shaking your head again, you lean in and rest your forehead against his cowl. It smells of sand, blaster fire, and burnt metal. There are tears in your eyes, hanging painfully in your nose and throat.

His gloved hand carts back into your hair. “I’m okay,” he says, again, this time in just a soft whisper. “I’m here. You don’t have to worry.”

“I wasn’t worried,” you say, “I think I should have been.”

Footsteps enter the room then, and you both look up to find Boba and Fennec standing by the divider, both of them carrying their helmets under their arms.

For a second they look like they’re worried they’ve interrupted something. But you lean back from Din, sit in your chair, and they step closer.

“Just came to check in,” Boba says, looking guilty.

“The doctor says I lost a lot of blood,” Din explains, then gestures to the bag above him, “but I’ll make it.”

Boba nods once. “I’m sorry. I should have known it would be worse than it was.”

“You didn’t ask me to come along,” Din reminds him.

“No, but you saved one of my men. I owe you much.”

“You owe me nothing.”

“At least let me buy you a drink,” Boba says, then, with a glint in his eyes, “Well, once you’re up and about again, at least.”

“How long’ll that be?” Fennec asks.

“The doctor said a couple of days at most. But I heal fast; I’ll be fine in a few hours.”

“We can get you in the bacta tank,” Boba offers, but Din shakes his head.

“Can you get me in there in my full armour?”

“…We can clear the room,” Boba smirks.

“There’d still need to be someone to take him out,” Fennec points out.

Boba sighs. “Make sure you rest,” he says, abandoning the bacta tank idea. “If you need anything, either of you, you know where I am.”

Both you and Din nod. “Thank you,” you smile at him.

Boba and Fennec nod too, then turn to leave.

You look back at Din. “You’re not planning on resting for a few days, are you?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve had worse.”

“Have you?” You raise an incredulous eyebrow.

As if it’s his answer, he lets go of your hands and starts to push himself to sit up. Like a fucking idiot. He grunts with the exertion, and you roll your eyes, putting your hand on his chest.

“Stay there,” you tell him.

He stops. Looks at you. “I don’t do well lying down.”

“You don’t do well filled with shrapnel, either, but here we are,” instead, you reach down to the bed’s control panel, and push the button that lifts the top half of it up. He rises with it, slow, and you let go when he’s finally sitting up. “There. Happy?”

He takes your hand again. “Better.”

The door opens again, more footsteps coming close. Then, the child-minder pokes their head around the divider, and you see a glimpse of Grogu’s big eyes. “Sorry to interrupt,” they say, “but the Child has heard about what happened…”

Immediately you stand from your chair, rushing over to take Grogu in your arms. You turn him away from Din at first, and thank the child-minder, excusing them from their duty. “Alright, kid,” you say, holding him up in front of your face. You look over his shoulder to Din. “He’ll want to see you.”

Grogu cranes his neck, trying his hardest to look around and see Din. He protests when you don’t let him, an angry babble as he throws his fists down against your hand.

“It’s okay, Grogu,” you say softly, “you can see him. It’s going to look a little scary, but your dad’s okay, and you don’t need to worry. Okay?”

Grogu’s ears turn down a little, but he blinks, softens in your hands.

You walk back over to your chair, and place the kid on the bed beside Mando, who immediately scoops him up into the crook of his elbow.

“Hey, kid,” he says, obviously smiling beneath the helmet.

He looks at Din’s leg, then back to his helmet. Reaches out one hand, brushes it down the beskar, like he’s saying Are you okay under there?

“I’m alright, kid,” Din assures him, pressing his forehead into Grogu’s. Grogu closes his eyes, his palm pressed to the cheek of Din’s helmet. “I’m alright. Yeah, see? You can feel I’m alright, can’t you?”

Grogu coos sadly, his ears still turned towards the floor. But he relaxes at Din’s soft assurances, and leans down to press his head into Din’s cowl.

Din pats his back comfortingly, turns to look at you. You offer him a sad smile.

He reaches for your hand just as someone else comes in. This time, it’s the doctor again, and he’s carrying a clipboard.

“Alright, sir,” he says, “your vitals are looking good. But you’re going to need a couple day’s bedrest before you can be up and at ’em again.”

“I can’t do that,” Din protests. Because of course he does.

The doctor glances at you for just a second. “You’re injured,” he says to Din, cautious, like he’s maybe just a little bit afraid of his patient.

Which, you can’t blame him for, because when Din speaks again, he’s using his Don’t fuck with me tone (which, ironically, isn’t all that different from his I’m going to fuck you voice, but you digress), “I feel fine. I’ll be alright in a couple of hours.”

“…With respect, sir, you’re on painkillers at the moment, which will be making you feel better…”

“Great, so I can get up soon.”

“That’s…not exactly what I meant…”

“I have things that I have to do,” Din insists, almost growling now, “Do you understand? Are you going to chain me to this bed?”

“N—no, sir, I—I can’t force you to stay here, only recommend—”

“Right. So I’ll decide when I feel well enough to get up.”

Wide-eyed, the doctor glances between the two of you, holding his clipboard with white knuckles.

You offer him a smile that you hope is reassuring, and place a calming hand over Din’s. “Thank you, doctor,” you say. “I’m sorry, he’s just not used to being…well, still.”

The doctor relaxes just a little. “Yes, I understand. You were very lucky, Mr Mandalorian, sir, that the shrapnel didn’t hit any bone. So maybe you’ll be better sooner than we think.”

Din nods once, curt. “I heal fast.”

“Right,” he smiles, nervous. “The IV is giving you fluids, but it’s important that you drink enough when the transfusion is complete. If you need anything else, don’t hesitate to call.” And then he’s gone, leaving just a little too hastily for it to be casual.

You turn to Din, and give him a Look.

“What?” He asks. “You were the one staring daggers at him earlier when he asked you to step back.”

“Because I was worried about you,” you protest, “and I was having a crisis. You have no excuse right now. You’re pumped full of painkillers.”

His voice is lilted with a smirk. “You were rude to the doctor.”

“So were you!” You find yourself smiling despite yourself. “You were very rude to him. He’s just trying to help.”

“I don’t appreciate people telling me I have to stay chained to a bed for days.”

“He literally told you that wasn’t what he was doing.”

“I’m a Mandalorian. Being able to fight is part of who I am.”

“Oh, so you’re the first Mandalorian to ever be injured?” You challenge, quirking an eyebrow. “You’re allowed to rest, Mando. In fact, you kind of have to, if you ever want to be able to fight properly again.”

He sighs. His helmet turns away, facing the ceiling. When he speaks again, he sounds surprisingly bothered. “I can’t afford to be hurt right now,” he says, so quietly.

“Hey,” you run your fingertips over his arm. “We’re safe here. You can recover as long as you need to.”

“I don’t need long. I’ll be fine in a few hours.”

You sigh. Gently, you take hold of his helmet, turning his gaze back to you. You stare at him for a long minute, taking him in, hearing the gentle beeps of his heart monitor. Tears sting at the backs of your eyes again, as memories of the last few hours come back to you. “You scared me,” you whisper, staring into his visor.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers back.

“The fact that you’re okay is the most important thing,” you say, “you know that, right?”

He shakes his head. “You and the kid are the most important thing.”

You look at the kid and smile. He’s still got his face against Mando’s cowl, and you can hear him breathing, just soft little puffs of air. He’s so content to just be here in Din’s arms and beside you, not even looking for mischief like he so often is.

“We’re all here,” you look back to Din and smile. “That’s what matters.”

Din nods. He’s about to say something, taking a breath, lifting his hand to brush against your face—

Bang.

A flash of orange light down the hall.

Rubble clatters all around, scattering across stone floors, falling into the medbday doorway.

Metal beams fall outside.

Screams.

It’s the loudest thing you’ve ever heard.

Din has shot up in his bed, leaning across to throw his arm over your body, cradling the kid between both of your chests. You look up at him, wide-eyed, and it seems like this little corner of the building is the only one untouched by the dust and rubble, by whatever the fuck just happened, the explosion—

“Are you okay?” Din asks you, running a hand over your face, searching for injuries.

You barely hear him through the ringing in your ears. Frantic, you nod. “Are you? Grogu, are you okay?”

He’s peering up at you with wide eyes, but he’s okay. All three of you are uninjured—at least, not from that fucking blast—but you can hear shouts and cries coming from the rest of the building, and then, a voice above them all—

“It’s an ambush!”

Fett.

Your hand flies to the blaster at your hip, dread dropping deep into your stomach.

Because you just know.

You know that Fett has enemies, that there are many people who still want to take him down. But you also know that a large portion of those people were taken out just this morning, and it’s really unlikely that anyone would launch an attack of this scale just after he and his soldiers took out a rogue cell mere hours ago.

So, naturally, your mind goes to places you wish it wouldn’t. That you wish it didn’t have to. And you just know you’re right.

Din is moving, trying to get down from his bed. He grunts and strains and you reach out, holding him down.

“You can’t move right now!” You argue, keeping your voice hushed, because you don’t know who—or what—is out there. “Din, you can’t.”

“I have to—”

“No. You have to stay here, and watch the kid.”

“I’m watching you, too,” you can hear the frown in his voice, “You’re not going out there.”

You’re about to say that you won’t, that you’ll stay to protect him and Grogu, but then there are footsteps running down the hall, and you see through the window one of Fett’s men, running towards the where the explosion came from. They trip, probably over some of the rubble. You hear them cry out and you stand, rushing to help them before you can even think twice.

Din shouts after you, tells you to come back, but you ignore him.

The man is on the floor, crawling backwards towards the wall.

“Are you okay?” You ask him, crouching down to his level. He’s got a cut on his eyebrow, and he’s clutching his arm to his chest, pain creasing his face.

“My arm, I—I think it’s broken,” he grits out.

You take hold of his good arm, help him towards the medbay door. “Come on, come in here,” you say, and he follows gratefully. “What happened?”

“There was an explosion at the front gates. A dozen people are trying to get in, saying something about—” he gasps in pain when he stumbles again and instinctively catches himself with his bad arm—“something about a girl.”

Oh, fuck.

Once he’s settled against one of the room dividers, you look across at Mando and Grogu, who are still on the bed, looking really fucking vulnerable and helpless and, kriff, you can’t let anyone hurt them—Mando can’t fight for himself right now—

Your hand finds its way to your blaster.

“It’s them,” you say to Din. “It has to be.”

He nods. He’s still trying to get up, keeping the kid in one arm, using his other hand to try and swing his injured leg over the bed. Blaster fire starts up down the hall, shouts of battle making their way through to you. “We have to get you out of here. There’s a back exit—”

“They’ll have covered the back exit!” You exclaim, feeling desperation rise in your chest and your voice, because they taught you that. You think back to the day Mando arrived on your doorstep, when you thought he was sent by Them. You didn’t bother using the back door, because you knew they’d be waiting for you.

Your heart is hammering in your chest. Mando has ripped off his monitor, so it’s just one long beep now, and flashing red on the screen above his head. He’s about to try and rip out the IV, but you stop him.

“You need that blood,” you say.

“No, I need to get you out of here—” He’s cut off when his foot lands on the floor, and it must send excruciating pain up his leg because he cries out, pulling back like you’ve never seen him do before.

“Stay,” you instruct, holding him down. “You have to stay here. I’m going to help them. I can fight.”

“No!” He grabs your arm before you can walk away, hard and tight in his gloved hand. His voice isn’t demanding. It’s desperate. “No! You can’t—stay with me, I can protect you here—”

You shake your head. “I’ll be fine. I promise.”

“They’ll take you!”

“No they won’t. Fett has a whole army. I’ll be fine.”

He says your name, both a warning and a plea, but your mind is made up.

If They get any further down the hall, they’re going to find Mando, and they’re going to find Grogu.

They’ll know who they are. They’ll take them, just to get to you.

And you cannot let that happen.

You lean in, press your forehead to Din’s. “I’ll be back,” you promise. “Stay here. Protect the kid. Please.”

And before he can protest, before he can grab you again, you’re running away and heading down the corridor.

The lounge is full of dust and rubble, the blast having come from just below it, blowing a hole in the floor. There’s no one in here, but the blaster fire is coming from downstairs, from the gate. Good, you think, They haven’t made it inside yet.

You drop down through the floor and land behind a pillar, using it for cover. Fett’s soldiers are dotted around the room, leaning out from cover every few seconds to fire their blasters. You take a second to peek around the pillar, trying to see who they’re shooting at, and where they are.

Your stomach drops when you see them.

Not your family. They’d never come to do their own dirty work.

But their people. You’d recognise them anywhere. Their faces, their clothes, their voices. Though you don’t know their names, you’ve been surrounded by them your whole life.

Fuck.

It really is them.

“Hold the line!” Fett shouts as he comes running down the hall from the gateway. “There’s only three left! Let’s finish it!”

His soldiers advance towards him, firing with newfound confidence.

You’re frozen in place.

Your heart is beating wildly, so loud in your ears that it almost blocks everything out.

They’ve found you. They’ve found you, and they’ve caused all this destruction, all this damage, probably taken innocent lives just to get to you. Din and Grogu are upstairs in the medbay. Din is hurt because you had to come here, because of you.

You should have just gone back when the blackmailer gave you the chance. You could have been the only damage done. Now, the damage is all around you. They’ve not only found their way into every corner of your life, but into every corner of everyone else’s, too. Everyone who has only ever tried to help you.

You can’t move. Can’t breathe. Can’t focus.

Before the final blaster shot, something lands in front of you. Something small, round. A blinking red light on top of it.

It takes your mind a second to catch up to the fact that it’s a fucking concussive detonator.

You’re just about to jump back, about to scream, when all of a sudden there’s a wall of beskar on top of you, throwing you across the room and into one of the glass windows in the interior walls. You hear the glass shatter, don’t even feel it piercing your skin, going so deep into your flesh. There’s metal too, the structure of the window.

Your body falls to the ground, landing with a loud shout, and you’re not sure if it came from you or from the Mandalorian on top of you—in the haze, you don’t even know if it’s Din or Boba, just that it’s someone very hard and very heavy, someone very strong who has literally tackled you twenty feet away from the detonator—

Bang.

Not as big or loud as the initial blast.

But it sounds it. It feels it.

Pain spikes and spreads across your back. It’s blinding, white-hot, black spots appearing over your vision. The room is black and then it’s not, it’s dusty and then it’s not, it’s blurry and then it’s not—

The person on top of you rolls away. Someone is screaming, panting desperately for air.

It’s you.

Screaming at the top of your lungs.

The pain is like nothing you’ve ever felt. Not even close to everything They did to you, not to the knife in your shoulder by Din’s target, not the branch that stuck in your leg.

It’s fire against your skin, deep in your flesh. Every single one of your nerves is alight with it. You almost expect to not be able to feel your legs, but you can, the pain spreading right to your toes.

There are people rushing around you. If you could hear anything other than your own screams, you’d hear that the blaster fire has stopped, the fight is done.

You try to roll over, the pressure of the floor on your injured back more than you can take, but people are holding you down, someone’s hands on either side of your head to stop you moving your neck—

You try to push everyone away because you’re suffocating you can’t breathe you can’t see—

They slide something underneath you, a stretcher. The pain is indescribable.

Everything goes black.

You’re in a field.

It’s serene. Green pastures, rolling hills. Shindl birds fly overhead. A creek is flowing nearby. The sun shines in a clear blue sky.

When you sit up, you expect to see him there. A shiny wall of beskar, soft just for you. A green child, staring at you with wide, beautiful eyes.

But instead, you see Them.

Your parents. Standing beside you, looking down at you with nothing but disgust on their faces.

“Look at you,” your mother says.

You do. You look down at yourself, and are horrified by what you find.

Your arms, bleeding fresh, crimson blood. Cuts all the way up them. Your stomach, just open flesh. You feel welts on your back, warm blood dripping down your spine.

It’s the day that they did it to you. The Ceremony. No one else will ever want you, now. You are his forever.

“Don’t look at me—” You beg, and then, Mando is there in front of you, staring at you with his helmet on, covered in blood—“Don’t look at me, stay away, I—”

Gasps pull into your throat over and over, and it’s too much air and not enough all at once.

Then you feel it. The glass. It’s falling out of your back, coming from your flesh like it was made there, scattering around you in the grass and into the mud and over your skin—

You wake with a gasp.

Or, maybe you don’t.

Either way, you’re not in that field anymore. Instead, you’re lying on your side, staring at a metal wall. There’s a bright light above you. Not the sun. It’s white, harsh.

“Can you hear me?” A familiar voice says. You frown, trying to place it. Then he comes into view, the doctor from earlier, peering down to look at you. “It’s alright. You’re just coming around from some anaesthesia. Can you hear me?”

You nod. The movement stretches the muscles in your neck, sends pain shooting down your back.

The scars. Your family. They—it’s the day it happened—

No. You’re not there. You’re at Boba Fett’s home.

“I hear you,” you manage to say. “What happened to me? Why am I—why can’t I—”

“You’ve got injuries on your back and your right arm,” he tells you softly, pulling up a chair to sit by your bed so you can see him. “We had to place you on your left side. I understand it will be disorienting, but please, try not to move.”

Panic strikes your chest, but you do as he asks, staying still. It’s only because you know him from before that you don’t immediately suspect him of working for the enemy.

The enemy.

They found you.

“Grogu—Mando—are they—”

“Everyone is okay,” he assures you quickly. “No one was killed in the fight. Just some injuries.”

You look around as best you can, craning your neck despite the pain it sends through your nerves. You realise you’re in a private room, not the one that Din was in. It’s much smaller, dimmer.

The air is cold on your back. It matches the cold dread that hits you—a familiar feeling today, it would seem—when you realise that your back is bare. “I’m—what—what happened—”

“You fell through a window,” he explains, gently. “Mr Fett saved you from a concussive blast, but the window’s glass and metal framing injured you significantly. Some debris had to be surgically removed. Due to the…scarring on your back and arms already, some pieces were hard to remove, and many were too stubborn to be sutured.”

You screw your eyes shut. The scarring. The fucking scarring.

You’ve avoided it all these years. You don’t even look at yourself when you wash. You can’t remember the last time you properly looked at your arms, let alone turned around to look at your back in a mirror, looked down at your stomach.

And now, you’ve been scarred again. And you’re bare here in this room. Whoever treated you has seen you. All of you.

“Where’s…where’s Mando?” You ask, not daring to open your eyes.

“He’s just outside,” the doctor says.

“He got up?”

“He was there, when you were injured.”

Your eyes fly open. “What?”

He smiles just a little, shaking his head in disapproval. “It seems he’d tried to follow you into the entryway,” he says, “but didn’t get there in time.”

A heavy exhale slips past your lips. Your throat is raw. You remember, then, the way you’d screamed. The excruciating pain that went right into your spine, down every nerve. “Am I on painkillers?”

“Very much so,” he nods. “We kept you under until they started working. I…should tell you, ma’am, that your injuries are quite significant. It will take a while for you to recover, and you’ll need to be on medication for some time. Fett has offered use of the bacta tank, but we will need to get you more stable before that will be an option.”

Your mind is reeling, racing. All you want is to see Din, to see Grogu. To hold their hands and know they’re there and hear their voices.

But your skin. It’s on show. Some is bandaged up, but you still look a mess.

The kid alone would be traumatised by the sight of you, even if your existing scars weren’t bad enough. You can’t do that to him.

“I don’t want you to worry,” the doctor says softly. “Mr Fett has assured me that the threat has been neutralised, and security has been tripled. Not to mention the Mandalorian outside who hasn’t dropped his blaster since it happened.”

You almost smile at that. If you weren’t in so much pain, and at war with yourself over if you can handle seeing him or not, you’d smile.

“He’s been asking to see you,” the doctor says. “But…before we took you in for surgery, you were…talking.”

“I was?” You have no memory of it.

“You…didn’t want anyone near you.”

“…Even Mando?”

“It would seem so, yes.”

Oh, shit. The words you said in your dream weren’t just in the dream.

“He very much wants to come and see you. I…told him I’d ask your permission first.”

You screw your eyes shut. Guilt hangs heavy in your chest. You know that if the roles were reversed, you’d be fighting everyone who dared to stand in between you and Din. Hell, the roles were reversed just earlier today.

“You’re all bandaged up,” the doctor says carefully, sounding like he’s dancing around the topic of the aforementioned scarring, that he and the other doctors have not only seen, but had to operate through. “I can pull the blanket over you, if that will help.”

Kriff. He knows why you don’t want Din in here.

“Did he hear?” You ask, keeping your eyes closed as though that’ll keep all of this darkness away. “When I said I didn’t want him to see me?”

“I’m not sure.”

You’re surprised he hasn’t fought his way in here, actually; just barrelled right through everyone in his way. Though, if he heard that it was truly your wish to not have anyone near you, he’s probably respecting that over anything else. Despite the fact that he’s probably desperate to see you, as you would be him.

“He gave me this,” the doctor says into the heavy quiet.

You open one eye and see his hand in front of you, holding the commlink that Din gave you the day you took off with them. You stare at it. The doctor doesn’t need to say anything else. There’s a light blinking on the comm, signalling that someone is trying to get through it to talk. Tears hang in your throat and you don’t have the strength to swallow them down.

Despite the painkillers, your back and arm are throbbing, stinging, and aching. Your skin is covered with bandages, but there are still parts of your back exposed to the air, your wrist and upper arm out in the open for everyone to fucking see. You can’t even look down at yourself. You know that some scars will be visible. And, even those that aren’t, you’re still a mess. Wounded, bandaged up, lying here unable to move or roll over or cover yourself without it hurting. Just like you were back then.

“I can’t see him,” you find yourself whispering as a tear falls onto your cheek, sliding down to the pillow.

“He said he just wants to talk to you,” the doctor says softly. He’s still holding out the commlink. “We have more to discuss regarding your injuries, but I think seeing, or even just talking to, someone you care for will help your morale. I can give you a moment alone, if that’s what you’d like to do.”

You look at the commlink. To the doctor. Close your eyes.

You’re in pain. Your entire body feels like it’s on fire. You feel trapped, caught, and worst of all—hideous.

But you need to hear his voice.

With a trembling, weak hand, you reach out and take the commlink, grasping it in your fist. You tuck it up in front of your chest, hold it to your lips.

The doctor gives you a sympathetic smile. As he stands, he says, “I’ll be back soon. If you want to let him in, just tell me through the commlink. But you don’t have to.”

You give him a shaky nod before your eyes are closed again, and you wait until his footsteps have gone and the door is closing behind him before taking a long, deep breath.

You press the transmit button.

Your voice is thin and reedy, see-through like wet paper, ready to fall apart with the next tear that falls. You’re trying so hard to stop yourself from crying, even though the tears are forcing past your defences. “Mando?”

“Cyar’ika?”

The sound of his voice sends a rush of relief through you. “Hey,” you manage, weak.

“Hey, I—are you alright? How do you feel?”

“Like I’ve been chewed up, digested, and shit out by a bantha,” you close your eyes in your best attempt to hold yourself together. Your throat hurts from the effort. Your hands are shaking. You hurt. It all hurts.

You just want to hold his hand.

“Sweetheart, can I…” his words fade. Through the distortion of his modulator and the commlink, you can only just tell that his voice is strained. When he speaks again, it’s just a whisper. “Can I see you?”

Even though he won’t see it, you shake your head vehemently. No words come that you can speak. You can’t say no. It feels like you’d be rejecting him.

“Cyar’ika,” he whispers, and you imagine him out in the hall, sitting down or standing against the wall, holding the commlink to his helmet and trying to speak quietly, keep the conversation just between you. Like it’s just you in the cockpit of the ship, in the middle of hyperspace where no one in the Galaxy can find you. “Why can’t I see you?”

A shuddering breath surprises you as it pulls into your lungs, loud and jarring. Tears release alongside it, a sob escaping your throat before you can stop it. “I—” you can’t, you can’t, you have to, he deserves to know—“You can’t see me like this,” you confess, a broken whisper. “I—I look…I can’t wear clothes right now. There are…parts of me you can see…I’m really injured, Mando, and I can’t…you don’t want to see me looking like this…”

“It’s more worrying to me when I can’t see you,” he says. “No matter how bad it is.”

You sob again. You press your fist against your mouth. Get it together.

“I understand not feeling ready to show me yourself,” he speaks again, this time even softer somehow, quieter, “I do. But—”

“You’ll be disgusted,” you manage to get out from behind gritted teeth, the effort of holding back every single sob that wants to wrack through your chest now hurting your wounds, spreading across your skin. “You’ve never—Mando, I’m scarred, okay? Not just from this. Before this, I am covered in scars. My family, they...” You don’t have the strength to hold back the truth from him anymore. If you’re not going to let him in to see you, he deserves to know why. Deserves to understand, to agree that he doesn’t want to see that, because why the fuck would he want to? How could he stand it? “It’ll work,” you breathe shakily.

“What will work, sweetheart?”

“What they did. My family. To make no one else want me. If you see me like this, with the scars they gave me, it’ll work.”

Silence.

Good, you think. He knows. He agrees.

But then, “There is nothing,” his voice is low, “you could ever show me about yourself that would make me want you less. That would change how much I—how I feel about you.”

Tears stream down your cheeks, salt pooling on the corners of your lips. Your eyes are screwed shut so hard that it hurts. Your back hurts, it’s on show, your scars both new and old, the most vulnerable parts of you…

“Please,” he whispers, all fuzzy and distorted through the comm, “let me be there for you. I promise, I won’t look at your wounds, any of them. I don’t need to see them. I just need to see you. Please.”

You’ve never heard him like this before.

Through the modulator and the soft buzz of the comm, you could swear it sounds like maybe he’s crying.

And the thought of that breaks your heart. Hearing him but not being near him is breaking your heart.

You think of the pain in your arm and back, feel the bandages. The shame that comes with every single scar; the shame you have carried for so many years, that will probably take the rest of your life to fade away. It certainly won’t be healed if, by some miracle, Din sees you and decides he still wants you. The shame is your own. It’s yours to work out. And you don’t see that ever happening.

But…

“Please,” he says again. “I just need to know you’re okay, Cyar’ika. I need to hold your hand, I need to tell you…” his voice chokes. “I thought I’d lost you today. Please, Cyar’ika. Gedet’ye.” The Mando’a falls from his tongue like a prayer, ged-et-yay. You don't know what it means, but you know he's pleading.

Another sob forces its way past your tear-soaked lips and onto your fist.

You don’t know at what point you decided.

In fact, you don’t even know if you have.

But still, the only word that you can form, “Okay.”

He’s there in less than a minute. You hear the familiar sound of his footsteps, heavy boots along the vinyl flooring. The door closes behind him and he’s limping hastily towards your bed, coming from behind you, which really just adds insult to injury—

You expect him to stop, to catch sight of your back and your arm and the fucking state of you and then turn and leave, but he doesn’t. He keeps coming closer, and soon he’s beside you, sitting in the chair that the doctor had been in.

You can’t open your eyes. Tears are pushing violently past your eyelids.

“Hey,” he says, so soft and worried and shaky. “Hey, sweetheart, I’m here. It’s just me.”

You know that. You know him, trust him. And yet you still can’t look.

Gently, his gloved hand reaches out, and eases your grip on the commlink. He carefully takes it from you, places it on the table by the bed, then replaces it with his hand, holding so tightly that you can feel his concern through the grip.

“Cyar’ika,” he says, his voice so close to you, “Kriff, sweetheart, I…you’re okay. You’re okay.” He breathes out, heavy and relieved.

One of your eyes cracks open. It’s blurred entirely by tears, but you can just about make out the outline of him, shiny silver beskar in the harsh, white light of the room. The sight of that alone is enough to open your eyes completely. Because he’s here.

Shit, fuck, kriff, he’s here. He’s not looking at your back, or even your arm, despite the fact it’s right in front of him, his hand holding yours. He’s just looking at you, at your face, hovering right in front of you as if he can’t ever look away from your eyes again.

“Hey, there you are,” he says softly and reaches out his other hand to brush pieces of hair from your face. They’re soaking wet, either from tears or sweat. Your pillow is soaking wet, come to think of it, and so are Din’s gloves now as he reaches out and wipes your tears away—

The dam breaks.

He’s here. He’s touching you. He’s looking at you with anything but disgust; even though you can’t see his face, you know that’s true.

Because it’s Din. You know him. He knows you.

A loud, harsh sob comes from your throat and hits the silence like a tank. It’s the first of many. The tears become too fast for Din to wipe away quick enough, so instead he leans in, puts his face right in front of yours, uses his spare hand to smooth over your hair. You cry, and cry, and cry, violent sobs wracking your chest, shaking your entire body.

Everything comes over you at once. The blackmailer from Coruscant, how you were going to leave Din and Grogu behind, then when Din found you and you confessed some of your darkest secrets to him. Every panic attack you’ve had since you escaped your old life, every moment that has been tainted in your memory because all you felt was fear. Din’s arms around you, his lips on your skin, how you wanted so badly to see him and let him see you but you couldn’t because of what they fucking did to you—

And then, today, Din getting injured and then the explosion, the ambush, your family’s people coming to get you no matter what they had to do. People fighting for you, Din fighting for you, even though you’ve given him every opportunity to say no and walk away, to decide you were too much—

And now your body is bleeding and scarred, and you’re never going to be the fucking same ever again.

Din lets you cry. You can’t let yourself think about how hard it must be for him. About how much you wish he could take his helmet off, kiss your forehead, hold you in the dark with no clothes separating you.

“I’m here,” he whispers as your loudest sobs begin to subside, quieting down to soft weeping, the tears still flowing just as freely. “It’s alright, Mesh’la. It’s alright. I’ve got you.”

Mesh’la.

Even now.

Even like this.

“Din,” you reach out for him suddenly, hand scrambling to find his shoulder. You just need him. Need him close, need him here.

“I’m here,” he says like a promise, “I’m here. I’ve got you.”

You don’t know when the crying stopped. When your body decided it was done shaking you with sobs so harsh that they drew dry wretches from the back of your throat.

But you’re just lying here now, feeling like you’re in a pool of your own tears.

Din wipes them away with his gloved hands. Then, his hands move from your face and your hair, and it’s only because you’ve got your hand against the cheek of his helmet that you feel him go to take it off, his hands clasping over each side—

Your eyes fly open. “Din,” you say, stopping him, “What are you doing?”

“I need to see you,” he admits, and his voice is so husky and strained and filled with tears—

“You can see me like this. I’m here. You don’t have to take your helmet off.”

“I—” he falters. “I…I want to kiss you. I can’t—I can’t let you lie here like this and just be sitting here like some kind of droid while you need me…”

“I’ve got you,” you promise him. “I know I’ve got you.”

“I want to,” even though he’s whispering, he sounds more sure of this than he ever has. “I want to. Just for a second. Just—just to touch you. To see you with my own eyes. For you to—to see me.”

“I don’t want the first time I see your face to be like this,” you whisper, bringing his hand to your lips to kiss his knuckles. He nods, understanding. “But I can do this.” Then you close your eyes. Because you’re only human. If Din Djarin wants to kiss you, you aren’t going to say no.

Moments later you hear the soft metal thunk of his helmet sitting on the floor.

Then, warmth. The smell of his skin, sweaty after everything that’s happened, so familiar and perfect and comforting. He presses his forehead to yours, strange at this angle where he’s upright and you’re on your side. He’s taken his gloves off, too, and it surprises you when he brushes the backs of his bare fingers down your sticky, tear-soaked cheek.

“Cyare,” he breathes, shah-ray.

“What’s that mean?”

He shakes his head. “Beloved.”

Oh.

Your heart lurches, warmth blooming beneath and around it. Your hand finds the back of his neck, his hair, its favourite place to be. He’s so warm. Sweaty. Lovely.

“I was promised a kiss,” you whisper into the space between you, earning a near-silent chuckle from him.

He shakes his head again, fond this time, and then fulfils his promise: presses his lips to yours, his nose pressing into the hollow of your cheek. It’s a strange angle, and you can’t really open your mouth for him. So with both of your lips closed, you just linger there for a long moment, tasting your own tears pressing against his lips. It’s maybe one of the chastest kisses you’ve ever shared with him, but there is nothing but passion in it. You can feel the wrinkles in his forehead, his frown against your brow. He’s breathing slowly, carefully, like he’s trying to drink you in with every second that passes.

Kriff, you’re so grateful. That you get to have him like this. That this is something he wants as much as you do.

You’re probably never going to get used to that.

When he pulls away, he presses your foreheads together again, strokes his finger over the curve of your neck. “I want you,” he tells you. “All of you. No matter what.” It’s not suggestive, sultry. It’s a statement. It’s, I want you all the time.

Your heart hurts with the weight of it. It pulls on your scars, fresh wounds and old ones. More tears start to sting in your eyes, and you don’t have the energy to cry again, so you just kiss him instead of letting the incredible meaning of those words hit you any longer.

“Once you’re feeling up to moving around more, bacta is an option, if you feel comfortable,” the doctor—who you’ve only just learned is called Dr Garidan—tells you, standing at your bedside, right next to Din who’s still in the chair with his helmet back on. He hasn’t left since he came in hours ago. It’s the middle of the night.

“Did the debris hit any bone, or…her spine?” Din asks, not looking away from you.

Garidan glances at him like he’d forgotten he was there, then back to you, seeming uncertain. “I’m sorry, I should have said. I…will need you to step out for a moment, Mr Mandalorian, sir. I can’t give out information…”

“It’s alright,” you assure him, smiling tiredly. Exhaustion is weighing down every inch of you, your back and arm throbbing so much that it’s becoming simply annoying as well as painful. “He can hear it.”

“Alright, then. Well, nothing hit the spine, though it came close. One piece of metal did graze the shoulder bone, not quite fracturing it.” He gestures to the bandage brace you have wrapped around your shoulder that’s keeping your arm nice and steady.

“How long will it take to heal?” Din asks, and you’re honestly grateful Din is asking these questions for you; you’d been too scared to ask them yourself.

The look on Garidan’s face is not exactly comforting; he’s clutching his clipboard again, propping it against his stomach, and though he tries to hide it, he looks rueful. Bad news is written all over him. “…Many of the fragments went deep, as you know, hence the need for surgery. That, combined with all the damage to the skin that the smaller fragments caused, could mean that it takes months before the skin repairs itself.”

Your heart sinks into your stomach. You close your eyes, whisper, “How…how much damage is there?”

He hesitates. “A lot,” he says, soft. “Some parts of your arm nearly required skin grafts. If it doesn’t heal over on its own, then that will be the only option.”

Oh, fuck.

Tears are stinging at your eyes again. You’re so fucking tired. Your entire body is throbbing. You can’t deal with this right now. Skin grafts? Things not healing on their own? As if you weren’t already mutilated enough.

“Can we let her rest?” Din requests, sounding tired, too, but almost like it’s on your behalf. “Talk about this later?”

“No, it’s okay,” you force yourself to open your eyes again and look back up at Garidan, who looks genuinely sorry for all of this. “I want to know. Just get it out the way.”

He gives you a grateful, apologetic smile. “The good news is, if you spend some time in the bacta tank, the chances of healing on your own go up to around ninety percent. Not only will it help to fight off any infection, it will also give your skin the boost it needs to heal over those patches where it's been damaged or removed.”

Fucking hell. The window fucking removed your skin. It’s amazing, in the worst way, that They managed to find a new way to hurt you, to scar you, to ruin any semblance of self esteem you might have had, without even touching you this time.

“I understand that use of the bacta tank is…tough for you. We can make sure that only one assistant is in there with you to help you, and I can assure you that they are only interested in your safety, not the extent of your scarring.”

You blow out a slow, shaky breath. Mando’s hand is still in yours, gloved again, and you can feel his eyes on you even through the visor. So familiar. Comforting, even though all you can think about is how he must be seeing you. About the idea of taking your clothes off, being put in a tank, watched, helped out and clothed by someone else.

“You can take some time to think about it,” Garidan assures you softly. “There is no rush. For now, you should get some sleep. I’m about to swap shifts with my colleague, but don’t worry, you’ll be in good hands. How is your pain?”

“Fucking terrible,” you answer honestly as a tear slips down your cheek. You can’t wipe it away, your arm too sore, too restricted.

Din reaches out, wipes it away for you, and leaves his hand on top of your head, stroking his thumb over your hair.

Garidan leans over to the controller for your IV, and presses a couple of buttons. The beeping is loud in the quiet of the room. “There,” he says, “I’ve upped your painkillers for a few hours. That should help you get some sleep.”

“Thank you,” you say, giving him a weak smile. “For everything.”

“Of course. Hang in there. I’ll see you at noon when I’m back in.”

Nodding, you and Din watch while Garidan heads out, closes the door softly behind him.

You turn to Din. “Where’s Grogu?”

“He’s being looked after,” Din assures you.

“Does he know…?”

“That you’re injured?”

Dread hitting you at the idea, you nod.

“He does. He doesn’t know how serious it is; I told him that you needed to sleep, like he does after he uses his powers.”

“Kid’s been through enough already,” tears are still falling from your eyes, and they just won’t stop, even though you don’t really feel like you’re crying. “He doesn’t need this on top of everything.” Neither do you, you don’t say.

Din shakes his head, swiping his gloved thumb over some tears on your cheekbone. “He’s okay, I promise. He wants to see you, of course, but he knows he’s safe and that we aren’t far.”

You nod. Your eyes fall closed, and you nuzzle the side of your face into Din’s hand, pressing a kiss to his palm. “’M glad you’re here,” you murmur as a sudden wave of sleepiness washes over you, the painful throbbing in every single wound starting to dull. Painkillers. Great things.

“Me, too,” he agrees. “Thank you. For trusting me.”

You’re still nodding, because it feels a bit like it’s lulling you to sleep, like Din is rocking you back and forth. You push into his hand, then pull it right up to your mouth, snuggling his forearm into your chest. It’s probably uncomfortable for him. If you weren’t rapidly falling into a drug-induced sleep, you’d tell him he doesn’t have to stay, that he can go and sleep in the actual bedroom you have upstairs, in the proper bed.

But he’s here, and you need him here. That’s all you can think about. If you could, you’d pull him into the bed, and hold him.

“For the record,” Din says, so soft and quiet that you could be imagining it as you tumble towards sleep, “you look just as beautiful as ever.”

Maybe you don’t literally fall asleep with a smile, but it feels like you do.

notes: apologies again for the wait, but i hope it was worth it! thank you for all your comments on the last chapter, and also for the birthday and well wishes on my update post last week. i appreciate you all so much. thank you for being here, for reading, for letting me know your thoughts, and for enjoying this story as much as i am ❤️ as always your comments help more than you know. all the love, always. xo

Mando'a translation:

Gedet'ye - Please

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@competitivedust @lostinsideourminds @gloryekaterina @ellesvoid @uncle-eggy @astronymity @leithatnight @domaniquessidehoe @dancealongthelightofday @loveslide @peqchsoup @jaguarthecat @starrynightsforever @djarinxore @rexamongthestars @babygirlrex0504

#din djarin x reader #din djarin fanfiction #din djarin x you #the mandalorian fanfiction #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian x you #the mandalorian imagine #din djarin imagine #gif cw #my post #my post: fic #i only see daylight

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spaghettificationandpretzels · 2 years ago

Note

Hello, I would love size kink with overstimulation, and hand with Opie, please.

Masterlist

Gentle Giant

Contains: Fluff, smut, consent and kink negotiation, size kink, overstimulation, hand spanking, fingering, P in V, aftercare.

1K words

Comment if you want to be tagged/removed or follow #sp's kinkfest pick and mix.

Opie wants to prove he can be more than a teddy bear.

"Opie, just brush it into a bucket, some toads can make you sick if you touch their skin." He shook his head, cradling the amphibian.

"It will be fine y/n, I don't want to hurt him." Opie sounded so adamant.

"Alright then. You're very sweet you know." He walked through his whole backyard all the way over to a large tree by the fence to deposit the toad in a little patch of dirt in the shade.

"Can you go wash your hands now, I don't want you catching anything." Opie smiled and headed inside, coming out a few moments later to sit down next to you.

"What?"

You shook your head, "nothing, I just think it's funny that you're the size of a bear and in a motorcycle club, most people would think you'd be a hulking brute but you won't even risk hurting a little toad, it's real cute."

Opie smiled and leaned in close, his lips brushing your ear, "you better stop riling me up or you're about to find out how rough I can be."

You were lying in bed that night with you head on his chest, his heartbeat lulling you to sleep while the very tips of his huge fingers brushed the skin on your upper arm. "You right there?" Opie clearly had other things on his mind, the light touches not having the effect he wanted them to.

"I'm great, you have nice hands." He chuckled and rolled out from under onto his side, his hand covering half your face as he cupped it. You turned your head and kissed his palm and Opie's gaze turned heated as he ran his thumb over your lips.

"Do you still want to sleep?" You shook your head.

"No, I don't." He rolled on top of you and pressed his lips to yours, his hand coming to grip your hip.

"I think I have a point to prove to you." His became harsh as his lips moved down to your neck, sucking the skin into his mouth, you knew you'd have something there in the morning but it was hard to think when you could feel the strength behind his movements.

"Is this you proving a point?"

He pulled away from you, his eyes hard, "are you going to keep mouthing off?"

"Yep, I think I like you when you're pissed off." He sat back on his knees and yanked your underpants off before gripping the hem of your shirt and ripping it off, leaving you naked. Then he was pulling you by your upper arm to the side of the bed and he stood up, shifting so he was sitting on the bed with you over his knee.

"Do you want me to count?" He gave a negative grunt.

"I want to you stay quiet unless you're telling me to slow down or stop, understand."

"Yes Opie, I understand." His hand came down hard and fast, you swallowed, heat filling you as hi hand came down on your skin, again and again, Opie switching between left and right between soothing the skin with gentle strokes.

He started again, this round was a little softer and your fingers clenched the sheets as the sound of the strikes filled the quiet bedroom. When he deemed you had had enough, he went back to gently rubbing your skin before shoving your legs open and sliding his fingers through your slit, "wow you're wet, I should get rough with you more often."

His fingers ran through your slit, collecting the wetness from your entrance before sliding two of his large fingers inside as you gasped. He found your G-spot, pressing it firmly while his thumb found your clit.

Far too soon, he removed his fingers from your body and threw you on the bed, then he was hovering over you with a smirk. He flipped onto his side, taking you with him as he slung your leg over his hip and returned his fingers to your flesh. Even though your leg was on top of his hip, you still felt surrounded by him. With his thumb on your clit and his fingertips pressed to your G-spot, it didn't take long for you to reach the edge.

Opie's sped his fingers up and you moaned in his mouth as you came, but Opie didn't stop. He kept the same instant pace, his mouth on yours as he pushed you into another one. You tired to twitch your legs closed but it was no use, there was no way you were going to be able to even think about overpowering him. "Give me one more then I'll give you my dick."

Your nails dug into his shoulder as his fingers continued to their mission, "I can't, it's too much." He chuckled, not stopping even for a second.

"Come on, I know you can." His lips found yours again as he worked you up for the third time, Opie adding a third finger as you shuttered around him. In a flash, you were flipped onto your stomach and he was tearing your legs apart and slamming inside you, the sensation almost unbearably intense.

Time faded as he rammed into you, the sound in the room utterly obscene as one orgasm faded into another. The edges of your consciousness started to fade when you came again, unable to keep count as Opie's hand slid between your bodies to rub your clit, "one more then we'll be done." Opie's voice was tight as he encouraged you, seemly just as close himself.

His teeth sinking into your shoulder is what did it, you buried your face in the pillow to muffle the scream as you came for the last time, Opie following right behind you. He rolled off you, chuckling when you flinched as he pulled out. He pulled you into his arms with his chest at your back and pressed kisses to your skin.

"You need anything?" You sighed.

"I can't feel my feet." He chuckled and pushed himself up on his elbow, twisting to press a kiss to the side of your face.

"Sorry about that." You huffed and rolled in his arms, kissing his chest.

"We should shower." He wrapped his huge arms around you and hugged you to his body.

"Just wait ten minutes, I love you."

"I love you too Ope."

Fin

#opie winston #opie winston fanfiction #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy imagine #sons of anarchy fluff #samcro #opie winston x reader #opie winston x you #opie winston fanfic #ryan hurst #sp's kinkfest pick and mix

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mentallyimwrappedinablanket · 7 months ago

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13 Books Tag Game

I saw @non-un-topo do this and wanted to talk about some of the books I've read/been reading 💗

1) The last book I read: Case File Compendium/BAB book 1 by Meatbun doesn't eat meat. It was very good, some heavy topics and I defiantly cried reading it, but I really liked the the main character and found him and the plot very interesting. Again it has it's dark moments as is typical of Meatbun's work and a few scenes I won't be able to forget anytime soon in both a negative and positive way.

2) A book I recommend: The Reluctant Consort by Suilan Lee. PLEASE I need more people to read this book it's a short two book series and it's SO good. Take a brilliant merchant who has built a loyal secretive network from the ground up who's life gets tangled up with a brilliant prince who's commander of armies and watch them both try to stay out of murder plots, betrayals, conspiracies, and keep their families alive. This book weaves magic into it's story lines so seamlessly you hardly notice it's happening. This is already long but also there is a secretive group called the shadow guard and I'm absolutely in love with the concept. Their entire life's mission is to keep their person safe and they are the definition of a loyal guard dog (way more complex in the book I promise)

3) A book that I couldn’t put down: The Raven Boys (the whole series let's be real) by Maggie Stiefvater. Magic, beautiful mix of serious and funny, charming characters, incredible plot. I read this book so fast I had to know where it was going.

4) A book I’ve read twice (or more): The Girl from Everywhere by Heidi Heilig. Such a sweet story, I've read it twice and will 100% be reading it again someday. Time travel, ship life, heist, incredible concept. Nix you will always be famous to me.

5) A book on my TBR: Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. I'm sure I'll like it I just haven't gotten around too it yet but I'm excited for when I finally make time for it.

6) A book I’ve put down: A Clash of Kings by George R. R. Martin. I'll get back to it but I've gotten distracted by cultivation books right now.

7) A book on my wish list: Given by Kizu Natsuki. (technically a manga) I've read the whole thing and watched the anime I want to own it so bad. Beautiful story about losing someone close to you, one of the rawest and realest stories about grief I've read in a long time.

8) A favorite book from childhood: Toss up between Inkheart by Cornelia Funke and Eragon by Christopher Paolini. Both books captured my imagination and heart.

9) A book you would give to a friend: I'd need to know more about what they like before giving them a book.... maybe one of the Sherlock Holmes books because everyone should read some of those stories.

10) A book of poetry or lyrics that you own I own an old hymn book

11) A nonfiction book you own: Ferrets by E. Lynn "Fox" Morton. I don't own much nonfiction but I was obsessed with ferrets as a kid and I still hope to own one someday.

12) What are you currently reading: The Dumb Husky and His White Cat Shizun by Meat Bun Doesn't Eat Meat. It's a doozy, I'm actually answering this because I needed a break, well written, incredibly complex characters, very twisty plot, but wow is it dark do not read without looking up some of the trigger warnings, but it is really good.

13) What are you planning on reading next? Either Lord Seventh by Priest or The Imperial Uncle by Da Feng Gua Guo haven't decided which one yet.

If you see this consider yourself tagged 💕

#Twi irl

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grey-rambles · 3 years ago

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Of Insecurity and "I Love Yous"

Masterlist | Requests

This written for @lyssys, who said she wanted Wilbur to comfort her while she was feeling insecure, and I thought “Huh, relatable. Imma write that real quick”. I tried to use the insecurities she mentioned in the tags to inspire the fic, but it’s definitely more so my own experience with insecurity coming to the forefront in the reader’s thought process. Still, Lyss, I hope it lives up to your expectations!!

Words: ~1.5k

Warnings: Reader engages in negative self talk throughout the story, so if that will be upsetting, don’t read it. No pronouns or gendered language is used for reader, however they are depicted as wearing makeup and a skirt. Some swearing.

Notes: It’s 3:30am. I started this at like, midnight-ish. I have to leave for work at 7:30. Help me. (Also, if you can find the slightly paraphrased One Direction lyric in this, I'll write you a request :D)

Standing in front of the full length mirror in your bedroom, you frowned at the reflection looking back at you.

You were supposed to be getting ready for a date night with Wilbur, but nothing had been going right. The new skirt you had so been looking forward to wearing wasn’t sitting how you thought it would, and was only making your thighs look larger than they already were, and no matter how much you contoured, nothing was hiding the definitive round shape of your face.

Tears began to well up in your eyes. You just wanted to feel pretty, was that so hard? But no, you were stuck in this body with it’s wide hips and soft cheeks and five thousand other things you hated about it.

At least my eyeliner looks good, you thought bitterly, still fighting back tears, although not for much longer if I’m gonna keep crying like this. The longer you continued looking in the mirror, the worse the feeling of inadequacy got.

“Sweetheart? Are you almost ready to go?”

Wilbur’s voice in the doorway broke you out of your spiral. In the mirror, you could see him leaning against the door frame. He was dressed to go out, in black skinny jeans, a band tee, and a grey flannel top-- he had made some effort to style his hair as well.

He looks so good, your traitorous brain began whispering, what’s he doing with someone like me?

Wilbur had asked you a question, you remembered, and you scrambled to answer him before the silence dragged on too long. “I-I’m almost ready, just give me a minute.”

Shit. Your voice sounded so watery, there was no way Wilbur hadn’t noticed...

Sure enough, you watched in the reflection as Wilbur’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Is everything okay, love? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

You tried for a smile, shaking your head to clear it. “Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry about it.” Your tone did not sound convincing even to your own ears. Wilbur made a dissatisfied hum behind you, before moving further in to the room.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you tight against his body, still facing the mirror. You squirmed a little to try and get him to let go, but he held fast.

“Wil, let go. I need to finish getting ready.”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” As though to emphasize his point, Wilbur wrapped his arms even tighter around you.

You gave in rather quickly to his demands, but opted to try and downplay what the real heart of the issue was by only sharing a half truth. God knows you didn’t need to burden him with your stupid insecurities. “It’s really not a big thing. This skirt just doesn’t fit how I thought it would. I ordered it online, and the model in the photos must have had way skinnier legs than me, because it just doesn’t look very good.”

Wilbur pressed a kiss to the side of your head. “I think it looks lovely. The cut really suits you, and I love the colour.”

You smile, but it feels fake. “Thanks hon, but I think I’m just gonna change into something else, then we can go.”

You move to walk away from him towards the closet, but he squeezes you close again. “You look good, Y/N, seriously. Why do you want to change?”

You look away from your reflection towards the floor. “I just think that the skirt isn’t doing me any favours. My legs are already huge, and it just makes them seem even more so. I’d be a lot more comfortable in something a little less fitted on my thighs.”

Wilbur is silent for a second, still holding you tight, before he speaks again, sounding affronted. “I like your legs.”

“Okay, Wil, that’s fine. But I don’t,” you reply, patience wearing thin, “so please let me go get changed now.”

Wilbur doesn’t reply, opting instead to turn you around to face him. He has a stubborn set to his jaw, and his eyes are blazing. You get the feeling you won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. “Why don’t you like your legs?”

You heave a dramatic sigh. “I don’t like a lot of things about myself, Wilbur, it’s just a fact of life. I’m usually pretty good at not thinking about it, but tonight I’m just having a very hard time seeing anything positive in my reflection.”

He looks heartbroken, and you feel a slight stab of guilt for having put the expression on his face with your silly little insecurities. Continuing on, you say, “C’mon Wil, this doesn’t have to be a big thing. Just let me go and I’ll get changed and we can still try and have a good night.” God knows that getting out and away from your negative thoughts would help, at least for a while.

Wilbur shakes his head, drawing you into a hug. You go willingly, a little confused by the sudden change in pace, but happy enough with this arrangement. Burying his face in your hair, Wilbur says, a little choked up, “God, Y/N, I’ve been a pretty shit boyfriend, huh?”

You try and pull away from his hold, alarmed by his words, but he only holds you tighter. “What are you talking about, Wil? You’re a great boyfriend....”

“Clearly I’m not!” he cries out, “If you don’t believe that you’re the most perfect creature I’ve ever laid eyes on!”

Oh Wil,” you feel yourself tearing up again, “I’ve had these sort of thoughts long before I met you. It isn’t your fault.”

He cups your face in his hand, raising your head up gently to meet his eyes. “I love you, Y/N. It hurts my heart to see you think so lowly of yourself.”

You sniffle, tears finally overflowing from your eyes. “I just don’t understand what you see in me,” you manage to get out between your sobs.

“I’ll show you,” he whispers, “I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life telling you every way in which I love you.”

Wilbur pulls you into his shoulder again, holding you safe and warm until your sobs finally subside. “I’m thinking we stay in tonight instead, yeah?” he asks, and you nod your head, suddenly feeling very tired.

He begins to pull you towards the bed, settling you down among the blankets. He’s quick to change into some comfy clothes, a soft looking sleep shirt and sweatpants. He then grabs one of his t-shirts and a set of your PJ bottoms, and helps you change into them, before joining you in the bed, drawing you in until you’re nestled tightly against his side.

“I want you to try something,” Wilbur says to you, meeting you eyes. “Next time your thoughts start getting bad like that again, I want you to think to yourself, ‘Wilbur loves me just the way I am’, okay? Could you do that for me?”

“I could try,” you say hesitantly, “but I don’t think that’s going to magically make everything better.”

“I never said it would,” he replies, “but you have to start somewhere. It’s going to be a long road to get you to love yourself even half as much as I love you, but I’ll be there with you until you do. Try it out now. Look at me, and say, ‘Wilbur loves me just the way I am’.”

You flick your eyes away from his and mutter quietly, “Wilbur loves me just the way I am.”

He once again tilts your chin up. “Good. Try again, look at me this time.

Your cheeks are absolutely bright red, you just know it from how hot they are. “ Wilbur loves me just the way I am,” you say again, a little louder this time.

He smiles at you. “Once more,” he says.

“ Wilbur loves me just the way I am.”

After this, Wilbur places a soft kiss to your lips. “Good job, my love. I’m sure that was difficult for you to do, I’m very proud of you.” He kisses you once more before settling more into the bed. “Let’s just stay here for the rest of the night.”

The two of you spend some time taking gently about everything and nothing, before you slip into a bit of a doze. You shoot up suddenly. “I have to take my makeup off,” you explain to a grumpy Wilbur as you remove his arm from around you.

“Hurry back,” he says sleepily. You nod, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek, before moving quickly into the bathroom.

As you wash your contour off, you eyes trace the rounded lines of your face. God, why couldn’t my cheekbones be more defined? Or I could at least have some sort of jawline to speak of....

As your thoughts began to spiral back into that negative mindset, a quiet voice suddenly piped up in the back of your head. So quiet you could barely hear it over the negativity in the forground, this small voice whispered: Wilbur loves me just the way I am.

You smile, and return to bed.

Man, when I started this blog I really thought I was going to be primarily a Techno writer.... The Wilbur brainrot has really gotten ahold of me.... Hope you liked it!!

#wilbur soot imagine #wilbur x reader #wilbur soot x reader #mcyt imagine #mcyt x you #grey's rambles #help i'm so tired #hope this makes sense lol

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hollyhomburg · 4 years ago

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Before I Leave You (Sneak Peak)

(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)

Summary: Someone always has to leave first; They just didn’t expect Yoongi to come back with a new omega (who's clearly been through some shit).

Pairing: Beta! Yoongi, Omega! Reader, Omega! Jungkook, Omega! Seokjin, Alpha! Namjoon, Alpha! Hoseok, Alpha! Taehyung, Alpha! Jimin,

Tags: Polyamory, groupsex, sexual and non-sexual Dom/sub undertones, heat sex, praise kink, brief humiliation, Spanking, knotting, breeding kink, emotional abuse, physical abuse, forced mating marks, graphic murder scenes, negative self-talk, self-esteem issues, non-verbal characters, abandonment, PTSD, hurt/comfort, gluttonous fluff, agoraphobia, implied/referenced self-harm, suicidal thoughts and brief desperate suicide attempt, unreliable narrators. Gender dysphoria, transgender characters, internalized homophobia, internalized transphobia, internalized misogyny, unintended outings, epilepsy,

W/c: 100k+ (87k completed so far)

A/n: long time no see~ this is what I’ve been working on for the last few months! I hope everyone will like it. Updates will be once a week on fridays or saturdays at 5pm EST. This will also be cross posted on Archive of our own.

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“You shouldn’t be out here- you’ll get cold.”

Your hands play on the bannister. In the fountain, something trickles though it’s not full. It’s too early in spring and the flowers in the garden are reluctant to burst through the ground for fear of frost. Yoongi wonders how you’re not shivering. “It’s not the 1800’s Yoongi- people don’t die just from being cold” your revealing dress is probably something that your husband chose for you. it makes Yoongi’s blood boil.

You look a little bit better tonight, though Yoongi can't tell if the color in your face is actually real or from the thick layer of makeup that hides the bruises. The haze in your eyes, like you’re dissociating from everything, isn’t there anymore. Tonight, You’ve got a clarity that Yoongi savors. The scar is healing well, pink and hardly notable under the line of your jaw. Yoongi wouldn’t know it was there if he wasn’t looking for it.

Yoongi searches your face. “You misunderstand me, I said that I don’t want you to be cold, but maybe if you caught a cold- I could help you get better.”

He knows his words don’t make sense- but still you recognize what he wants to say but can’t. I could love you, I could make it better, I could care for you and only treat you with the gentleness you deserve. But Yoongi doesn’t say any of that- no- he only leans forward and offers his hands. “One dance? Before I take you home?”

Yoongi will drive you away from here- will take you and go to some gritty fast food place and get you full of however many calories your husband has made you skip. And he’ll spend the whole drive thinking about leaning across the console to kiss you. He could do it- quick. You’re not wearing lipstick and no one would know. Maybe he can’t help you yet- so starved of love that you look like a ghost. But tonight, he can surely make sure your stomach and your heart is full with the careful care that Yoongi knows he’s good at giving.

You keep Yoongi at an arm's length as he leads you in the waltz, day dreaming of a hypothetical illness, some sickness that can be fixed by a few days rest and some warm soup that Yoongi could provide. The two of you pulled together in a bed however big or small- you wouldn’t mind as long as you got to be this close. His hand on your forehead crooning, “you’ve got a fever lovely.”

It’s a beautiful day dream, but not better than reality as he pulls you in tighter against him in your skimpy gown. It’s only to keep you warm- he justifies. And you melt into his hold. His hands are wide, warm, and better than any jacket as they cup your sides and the small of your back. You stumble on the uneven cobblestones of the garden and Yoongi heaves you up so that you’re balanced on his toes.

He spins you, going faster in the practices steps, making you giggle- a sound that he’s never heard from you and wants to hear again and again. You slow to a more gentle pace, Swaying softly from side to side. You rest your whole body against him and Yoongi holds you up.

For the first time he can smell your real scent, you smell sweet and bready, like a freshly baked cake, something warm inside on a day that the rain pours outside. You smell like cozy lazy Sundays and cupcakes. Yoongi wants to bury his face in your neck but won’t without asking.

He wonders if you like his scent just as much as he likes yours.

Before he can ask, you pipe up. “You just had to take all the good didn’t you?” its not said bitterly, but musing. Out of two brothers, why would one have so much more softness than the other? One gentle and kind while the other is bloodthirsty and violently selfish. Why did you have to choose wrong?

“What would it be like Yoongi? If you took me away from here what would it be like?” you’re crying, barely daring to utter the words. The two of you both know from experience that tempting fate never ends well but you’ve never wanted anything so badly.

Yoongi struggles to hold onto your happy scent. You know how much wanting something you can’t have can hurt you. Reaching out like you’re prepared to grasp the future he’ll paint for you, holding onto the lapels of his coat as you cry. Yoongi just runs his hands up and down your back to comfort you through the longing.

Like this garden aches for rain, Yoongi aches to give, anything and everything, his heart on a platter if that’s what you wanted.

“We’d get takeout every few nights and play rock paper scissors to decide who gets to be the little spoon, we’d have a rule of no yelling in the house, I’d take you out to the ocean and make you s’mores whenever you wanted. You could steal my clothes and I’d never ever say a word about It.”

You laugh at that- somehow, Yoongi just knows that’s something you’d do. He’s known enough omegas, he knows that courting one means you voluntarily give up half of your sweatshirt collection. He keeps speaking softer, like to whisper his wishes out loud is like trying to hold onto a shooting star.

“And-” Yoongi takes a deep breath, tilting his face forward so that your foreheads are aligned. So close. This is the closest Yoongi has ever let himself get to you. “-I’d love you until we’d both had our last breath. I’d leave you sticky notes on the refrigerator telling you that I love you every time I had to leave. I’d never- ever let you be cold. And I’d show you my pack”

Yoongi can feel you swallow thickly at his promises- and he hopes- hopes more than anything else that they’re not empty ones. You always forget that he has someone else- that there are several someone-else’s who have Yoongi’s attention the way you do. He is the moon and you’re just something he orbits around. There are other celestial objects caught in his orbit. “What are they like? What’s it like to have a pack?”

Yoongi tries not to let himself get misty eyed, “it’s everything, it’s love and having everyone there all around you but it’s also so much fun, you’re never alone- you always have someone to be around and it’s not even- it doesn’t even feel tiring. Even when you want to sleep you’d rather stay up with them.” Yoongi slides his finger underneath one of the straps of your dress, playing with it. “Telling you what they’re like- well- that would take me hours”

Your laugh is pretty, and it slips through yoongi’s fingers like smoke “That sounds beautiful.” Yoongi holds you like you might be a piece of that- a piece of his pack that he hadn’t known he’d been missing. That's probably why your next words hit him so hard.

“I wish I could have seen it. Get back to them safe alright? Do me a favor and love them like you would have loved me.”

*Part 1 Coming Friday April 9th @ 5pm EST*

#bts fanfic #bts mafia au #bts omegaverse au #bts polyamory au #bts x reader #bts poly au #bts werewolf fic #bts fluff #bts angst #bts hurt/comfort #min yoongi fic #min yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader #min yoongi #omega! reader #bts a/b/o au

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johnsamericano · 3 years ago

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𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥 •3•

I hope this ain't getting shitty. Thank you for reading, sexy people. Send me a message or an ask if you'd like to be added to the tag list.

warnings: hungover jaehyun, age gap, hospitals, nothing too extreme.

sugar rush m.list.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv @sunny-nyu @nanascupid @silent-potato @painted-hills

Yoonoh woke up on a strange bed, the mattress stiffer than the one he had back home. He refused to open his eyes, fearing that the daylight would worsen his headache.

“Wake up, sunshine.” He groaned, all the memories from the past night hitting him like a truck. “Come on, I made breakfast.”

His eyelids finally fluttered open, frown softening at the sight of you in a messy bun and your cute pajamas.

“How come you look so fresh?” The dark circles under his eyes had deepened in the span of a few hours. Thank God he didn't have to work that day.

“I always look fresh.” You seemed to be more comfortable around him. Perhaps it was because you had to tuck him in last night. “Up.”

You tugged both of his limp hands, forcing him to sit up.

“What did you cook? It smells nice.” He scrunched up his nose like a little kid.

“Eggs, bacon, and hash browns.” Fast as lightning, he got up from bed. On his way to the kitchen, he noticed the blanket hanging from the edge of your sofa. Disappointment pinched his heart.

“Why didn't you sleep with me? You would've been more comfortable.”

You set two plates on the small table, pulling the pan out of the stove to serve them.

“You spread yourself all over the bed as soon as I laid you down.” You lied successfully. You didn’t have the heart to tell him you weren’t that comfortable yet.

You let the pan down on the kitchen counter, taking a seat in front of him.

“Do you still want to visit my father?” Sparkling orbs stared at him timidly, fearing his answer would be negative.

“I mean…” You hummed, trying not to give it as much importance. “I do want to go!” He quickly corrected himself, frantically shaking his hands. “It’s just that I don't want to meet your father like this.” He pointed at his bed hair, which had only become messier since he woke up.

“You’re acting like he's gonna see you.” There was a slight bitterness in your tone, along with a fake grin.

“Alright, let's do this instead...” Yoonoh sat up straight, clearing his throat as if he were about to give a speech. “We’ll have breakfast, you'll shower quickly, and then we’ll drive to my house so I can fix myself. How does that sound?”

“So I'm finally gonna see your mansion? How exciting.” You kicked his leg teasingly under the table, his cheeks inevitably dipping as he tried to suppress a smile. “I bet you have some peacocks in your backyard.”

“And there's also a dolphin in my pool.” He let out a hearty laugh, extending his arm over the table to grab your hand.

His house was most definitely not what you expected.

It was about the size of the one you grew up in, the decoration inside minimalistic. There were no expensive paintings framed with pure gold, only pictures of him and his family. There was a small backyard you could access through the French door in the kitchen. Half of it was occupied by a greenhouse.

“I had to donate the peacocks to the zoo.” He whispered as you looked through the glass door, squeezing your shoulders with his slim fingers.

“What a shame.” Hesitantly, he wrapped both of his limbs around your torso, letting his chin rest stop of your head. Your heartbeat was thumping loudly against your chest. Yoonoh surely felt it but decided not to comment on it.

“There’s a Tv in my room in case you want to watch something while I shower.” A hint of mischief adorned his honey-like voice. “Or you can come in and watch me instead.”

“Stop!” Your elbow connected with his ribs out of pure panic, making him bend in pain with his hands covering the injured spot.

“It was a joke...” He whispered, teeth gritting together.

I made him mad, you thought. Should you escape or face the consequences of his anger? All thoughts erased from your mind as he grabbed your calves, lifting you over his shoulder.

“Put me down!” You hit his back with closed fists, unable to see the expression on his face. “Yoonoh!”

He went up the stairs, proceeding to enter his room and throw you on his bed. Thousands of dirty scenarios crossed your mind before he threw himself on top of you, crushing your bones under his muscular body.

“My...ribs...”

“Oh, sorry, what is that?” To make matters worse, his fingers tickled your sides, provoking a fit of desperate giggles to escape your mouth. “I’m not hearing an apology.”

“Sorry! Sorry!” His hands finally stopped, giving you time to breathe. Nonetheless, he remained laid on your chest, using his forearms to lift his weight. “Aren’t you gonna shower?”

“I like you.”

The confession was so sudden, so raw it took you some time to finally react. But you had no words to give him an answer, instead, you combed your fingers through his long hair, massaging his scalp while waiting for him to speak up again.

“I never thought I'd be feeling more than friendly affection for you. Our agreement doesn't include love, after all. But I've started feeling like a teenager all over again. I can't help but get excited whenever you call me. Do you know how sweet your voice sounds through the phone?” He sighed, discouraged at your lack of response. “I guess you're not there yet.”

Instead of verbally answering, you planted a sweet kiss on his head, right where small, grey hairs had started growing.

“I’m not good with words.”

“That’s alright.” He snuck his hands under your back, holding you tightly as a sudden need to nurture you took over him. The mature image he had of you faded in less than a second, leaving behind a young, troubled woman. “I’ll shower quickly so we can go see your pops. I bet we’ll get along just fine, maybe even go golfing when he wakes up.”

“I forgot you're almost the same age. Creepy.” He smiled, though uneasiness started steering in his guts.

“Does that bother you?” He asked without giving it a second thought.

“I don't know yet.”

(...)

The man with high cheekbones and bruised skin laid limp on the hospital bed. Yoonoh had been working on his case for about a month, yet, it only started feeling real the moment he entered the room.

“This is my dad.” All emotions had escaped your eyes as if your soul wasn't there anymore. Only an empty shell.

“You look so much like him.” he was afraid touching you wouldn't be the right thing to do, so instead, he said: “He seems like a suitable golf buddy.”

Tension finally loosened its grip around his body as you snorted, pigment returning to your cheeks. Finally, he wrapped his hand around yours.

“He will wake up, y/n.”

“He’s taking his sweet time.” You glanced back at the laying figure, skinnier with every day he spent asleep. “I want someone to pay for taking away the last person that loved me.”

The last person that loved you. Would Yoonoh be able to fill that spot? Not yet, probably. He couldn't modify the depth of his feelings, but he could surely give you the vengeance you longed.

“Do you trust me?” With your eyes still glued to your father, you nodded. “Then I can assure you we’ll win the case.”

“I know we will.”

He sat silently with you, holding your hand without saying a word. The smell of alcohol and the beeping noise of machines made him nauseous. He hated hospitals. You noticed the change in his demeanor, his hand becoming cold while holding yours with strength.

“Do you wanna go?”

“No!” He smiled through the pain, scooting his chair closer to lay your hand on his lap.

He wouldn't agree to get his ass off the plastic chair. You had to tell him you were hungry for him to finally stand up, still clutching your hand like your father did when you were still a kid. His parental behavior caused several emotions to stir inside your guts, so mixed up you couldn't quite put a finger on any of them.

“What do you want to eat?” The tension finally left his body once out of the building.

“Soup.” You smiled while swiping your thumb on top of his knuckles. “I know a place, but to be honest, it isn't good. So we can go to the store and get the ingredients to- but you can't cook.”

“I’m up for a cooking lesson if you are.” He wanted to see your pretty smile again. Maybe making a fool of himself would help. “Let’s hit the road.”

“Wow, so cool.”

“I know.”

(...)

“Can you grab that can of chicken broth?” You pointed at the high shelf, letting go of Yoonoh’s hand to allow him to move freely

“I have a better idea.” He dragged you by the arm so you were standing in front of him, trapped between his body and the shelf. “I’ll lift you so you can reach it.” Matching his words, his hands grasped your waist, ready to carry you.

“Stop!” You slapped his hands repeatedly between giggles. Ignoring your complaints, he started lifting you. “Yoonoh!”

“Yoonoh?” A feminine voice had him placing you back on your feet in less than a second.

“Seryeong, I didn't expect to see you here.” His hands remained seated on the curve of your waist.

“Neither did I. I was surprised when Sungchan told me you'd left early yesterday.” She seemed a bit older than you but still younger than the man behind you.

“I had some matters to take care of.” She eyed you from head to toes with a smug grin plastered on her lips. Just by the look of her clothes, you could tell she was as wealthy as Yoonoh. You feared the scene would turn into a tv worthy drama.

“I’ll go get the chicken breast.” You tried escaping his grip, only to be pulled closer to his warmth.

“No need to. It's already inside the cart.”

Why am I so dumb?

“Does your father know about your little girlfriend?” She asked without hesitation.

“I guess.”

“And why didn't he tell me anything?” She cocked an eyebrow, his hands finally loosening around your body and allowing you to move from your position.

“Look, this is something you should talk about with him. Now, if you excuse us...” With a hand on your shoulder, he began pushing the cart to the next aisle, the chicken broth long forgotten.

“Is this some kind of arranged marriage situation?”

“Something like that.” His hands were tense while holding the cart, knuckles turning white from the strength used. “Before you start asking, I'm not really in the mood and I don't want to direct my bad mood toward you. Let's talk about something else, alright?”

Who was that woman that had the power to turn him into a literal raging ball of fire with just a few words?

#nct au #nct imagines #nct ot21 #nct smut #nct x reader #nct #nct scenarios #nct 127 #nct angst #nct jaehyun #nct fluff #nct jung yoonoh

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misnomera · 4 years ago

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On racial stereotyping of the Haans in TMA...

Right so as someone who is ethnically Chinese I have NO FUCKING clue how I didn’t notice this more distinctly in my initial binge of tma (going too fast and not paying closer attention to character names and descriptions, probably) but the Haan family storyline is, all horror elements aside, pretty fucked up in terms of racial representation re: stereotyping. This got long as hell, but please please please take a moment to read through if you’ve got time for it. thanks.

To start off, the Haans are one of the few characters in tma with an explicitly specified race and ethnicity—Chinese—and pretty much the only explicitly Chinese characters in tma, other than the mostly unimportant librarian (Zhang Xiaoling) from Beijing. But like, Haan isn’t even a properly Chinese surname, at least not in the way that it’s spelled in canon (it should be Han, one a. A quick google search tells me that Haan as a surname has...Dutch origins??).

Of course, that could be chalked up to shoddy anglicization processes within family histories, which certainly isn’t uncommon with immigrant families, so I’m not going to dwell on names too much (although I also find it interesting that John Haan’s name is so specifically and weirdly anglicized that he changed his own surname?? Hun Yung to John Haan is a very big leap of a name change and frankly not very believable. ANYWAY, this is not that important. I don’t expect Jonny, a white Englishman, to come up with perfectly unquestionable non-Cho-Chang-like Chinese names, though it certainly would be nice. Moving on).

What really bothers me about the Haans is how they almost exclusively and explicitly play into negative Chinese immigrant stereotypes. I don’t even feel like I need to say it because it’s like...it’s literally Right There, folks. John Haan (in ep 72) owns and operates a sketchy takeout restaurant. They’re all avatars of the Flesh—and John Haan is Specifically horrific and terrifying because he cooked his wife’s human meat and fed it to his unknowing customers. Does that remind you of any stereotypes which accuse Chinese people of consuming societally unacceptable and ethically questionable things like dog/cat/bat meat (which, if it’s not already crystal fucking clear, we don’t. do that.), which in turn characterize us as horrible unfeeling monsters? John Haan’s characterization feeds (haha, badum tss) directly into this harmful stereotype that have caused very real pain for Chinese people and East Asians in general.

And Jonny does nothing to address that from within his writing (and not out of it either). And, speaking on a more meta level, Jonny could’ve easily had these flesh avatars be individuals of any race (like, what’s Jared Hopworth’s ethnicity? Do we know? No? Well then). Conversely, he could’ve easily, easily had a Chinese person be an avatar of any other entity. So why did he have to chose specifically the Flesh?

(This is a rhetorical question. You know why. Racial stereotyping and invoking a fear of the other in an attempt to enhance horror, babey~)

On Tom Haan’s side, Jonny seems weirdly intent on having other characters repeatedly comment on his accent (or rather, lack thereof) in relation to his race. Think about how, in ep 30 (killing floor), the fact that Tom Haan had spoken a line to the statement giver in “perfect English” was an emphasized beat in that statement, and a beat that was supposed to be “chilling” and meant to signify to us that something was, quote-unquote, “not right” with Tom Haan. Implicitly, that’s saying that it was unexpected, not “normal”, and in this case even eerie, for someone who looks Chinese to have spoken in fluid, unbroken English. Mind you, the line itself was perfectly scary on its own (“you cannot stop the slaughter by closing the door”), so why did Jonny feel the need to note the accent in which it was spoken in? Why did Jonny HAVE to have that statement giver note, that he initially “wasn’t even sure how much English [Haan] spoke”?

This happens again in episode 72 with a Chinese man (and again, his ethnicity is Explicitly Noted) who we assume is also Tom Haan. This one is rather ironically funny and kind of painfully self aware, because the statement giver expresses surprise at Haan’s “crisp RP accent” and then immediately “felt bad about making the assumption that he couldn’t speak English,” and subsequently admitted that thought was “low-key racist.” Like, from a writing perspective, this entire passage is roundabout, pointless, and says absolutely nothing helpful to enhance the horror genre experience for listeners (instead it just sounded like some sort of half-assed excuse so Jonny or other listeners could say “look! We’ve addressed the racism!” You didn’t. It just made me vaguely uncomfortable). And again, having other people comment on our accents/lack thereof while assuming we are foreign is a Very Real microaggression that east asians face on the daily. If Jonny needed some filler sentences for pacing he could’ve written about Literally anything else. So why point out, yet again, that the crazy murderous man was foreign and Chinese?

At this point, you might say, right, but yknow, it was just that the statement givers were kind of racist! It happens! Yeah sure, ok, that’s a passable in-universe explanation for descriptions of Tom Haan (though not John Haan, mind you), but the statement givers are fake made up people, and statement’s still written by Jonny, who absolutely has all the power to write overt discrimination out of his stories. And he does! Think about just how many minor (and major!!) characters are so, so carefully written as completely aracial, and do not have their ethnicity implicated at all in whatever horrors they may or may not be committing. Think about how many lgbtq+ characters have given statements, and have been in statements, without having faced direct forms of discrimination, or portrayed as embodying blatant stereotypes in their stories (though lgbtq+ rep in tma certainly has their own issues that I won’t go into here). Jonny can clearly write characters this way, and he can do it well. So why, why, am I being constantly, repeatedly reminded in-text of the fact that the Haans are East Asian, that they’re from China, that they’re Chinese immigrants, that they’re second-generation British Chinese or whatever the fuck, and that they’re also horrifying conduits for blood, gore, and general fucked-up-ness? It’s absolutely not something that is Needed for the stories to be an effective piece of horror; the only thing it does is perpetuate incredibly harmful and hurtful stereotypes.

And listen, I love tma to bits. It’s taken over my blog. I’ve really loved my interactions with the fandom. And I am consistently blown away by Jonny’s writing and how well he’s able to weave foreshadowing and plot into an incredibly complex collection of stories. But I absolutely Cannot stop thinking about the Haans because it’s just. It’s such a blatant display of racial stereotyping in writing. And I’ve certainly seen a few voices talking about it here and there, and I don’t know if I’m just not looking in the right places, but it certainly feels like something that is just straight up not on the radar for a lot of tma fans. And I’m disappointed about that.

Just, I don’t know. Take a look at those episodes again and do some of your own thinking about why these characters had to be specifically Chinese (answer: they didn’t.). And in general, PLEASE for the love of god turn a critical eye on character portrayals and descriptions whenever they are assigned specific races/ethnicities (Some examples that come to mind are Jude Perry, Annabelle Cane, and Diego Molina), because similar issues, to an extent, extend beyond the Haans, though I haven’t covered them here.

You shouldn’t need a POC to do point out these problems for you when they’re so glaringly There. But for those of you who really didn’t know, hope this was informative in some way. I’m tired, man. If some of the only significant Chinese characters you write are violent cannibalistic men with a perverted relationship with meat, just don’t do it. Please don’t do it.

EDIT: Since the making of this post Jonny has acknowledged and apologized for these portrayals on his twitter and in the Rusty Quill Operations Update, which went up September 2020. A long time coming, but better late than never. This of course doesn’t necessarily negate the harm done by Jonny’s writing, and doesn’t make me much less angry about it, but is appreciated nonetheless. For more on this topic there’s a lot of productive discussions happening in my “#tma crit” tag and in the notes of this post

#tma #the magnus archives #magnuspod #tma 30 #tma 72 #tma crit #racism #sinophobia #racist stereotyping #tw cannibalism #tw violence #long post #tom haan #john haan

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cupidbunny · 3 years ago

Text

Continuation of

Tags; Alcohol, arguing, angst, regret, hurt/comfort, anxiety attack, Mentions of Cheating, Childe’s real name

Major TW; PTSD attack mentioned in detail, please read carefully

It happened again. Yet another person flirting with your boyfriend as you stood near him in a crowded bar. Of course, he rejected their advances, stating that he was already taken but it made you furious. You chugged another shot in pure anger, tears stinging your eyes as you held them back.

Your back away from him as he went to the other side, seeming to go greet someone. You huffed in anger as you got another, the bartender eyeing you. You payed quickly, but it seemed as if she was more worried about your quick drinking.

You didn’t care, just enough to make the lights go out. Take away the pain of jealousy.

‘Idiot, idiot, idiot. Why are you dating him? He’ll leave you for someone more attractive anyways.’ The thoughts burned at the back of your mind as you chugged the last shot. You turned back and saw someone else going onto your boyfriend, pushing themselves against him. That did it.

You grabbed your things, paying and tipping the bartender as you rushed outside. Ajax barely noticed you because of the crowd, and quickly rejecting the person.

Once you were outside, you finally let the dam break, letting your tears roll down your face. Everything was so blurry, even before you were crying so it made it worse.

A small group of girls passed, asking if you were okay. You could barely hold yourself still as you shook with sobs. The girls got worried, pulling you over to a bench to stabilize yourself. You took some deep breaths and thanked them, lying that you were fine. You weren’t. But they left by the time you realized that. Your movement was unsteady and you wobbled as you walked. Home wasn’t too far though, right?

God, it was a miracle that you got home safely, stumbling on your things as you crashed on the couch. You groaned as you heard the door click and open, footsteps quickly approaching. You looked up, seeing the hazy figure of Ajax.

You wanted to hug him, cry into his arms, let him comfort you, anything. But your pride didn’t let you. And neither did he.

“Where the hell did you go? I was looking all over for you?” His tone sounded…concerned? Sounds were hazy

“Like it matters…” You made out, narrowing your eyes at him.

“Of course it does, I don’t want you leaving me like that!”

“But you can leave to go with some stranger? Nice bullshit.” You could hear him groan.

“This shit again? God, why do you always get like this-“

“I’m supposed to be okay with it? Seeing people just…smother themselves all over you?”

“I’ve already said it, let it fucking go! God you’re so-annoying!”

The moment he said that was the moment the room went quiet. He stood their, and you could sense that he…didn’t seem to regret a single thing he said.

“I’m going to bed. Go…calm down or some shit…” He muttered, turning away as the anger still radiated from him as he went to your room.

Tears pricked your eyes again as you started to cry again. You ran to the bathroom, closing the door as fast as you could. You tried to steady your breathing but you were shaking again, your breathing unsteady.

‘It’s happening again, no no no no, not again’ Your mind screamed as you held yourself. The memories came back to you, your last relationship that left you broken. The day they left you, and hurt you the most. The day that played over and over again, rendering you useless as your felt the pain rush back again and again as all you could do was sob. And sob. And sob, wishing someone would save you. But no one did. You passed out from it all, from the exhaustion most likely.

Ajax had gone to bed, closing his door as he heard you slam the bathroom door shut. He stood for a few moments, letting everything sink in and feeling a wave of regret wash over him. He shouldn’t have done that, you were already hurt and he was supposed to comfort you. He sighed, sitting on his bed for several, long moments before getting back up. He sighed, opening his door and then knocking on the bathroom door.

“[Name]…I’m sorry okay? I…I didn’t mean to say that shit. I was angry, and…I should’ve comforted you instead…” He waited a fee moments before calling for you again. He grew more panicked as you wouldn’t reply the more he called. He eventually opened the door with brute force and saw you on the floor, passed out with a look of pain. A wave of emotions crashed over him as he quickly grabbed you, picking you up and being you to your room. He set you down on the bed, quickly making sure that you weren’t hurt as he realized that you were still crying in your sleep. His face changed into one of regret, hurt, and other negative emotions. Mainly hate, but for himself. For leaving you alone, for doing all this.

He wrapped his hands around you, holding you tight to his chest as he tried his best to comfort you. Somehow, you slowly started to calm down, your breathing returning to normal as you finally stopped crying. Ajax smiled, at least a bit relieved to see you okay. He ended up awake for most of the night, making sure you were okay.

You woke up with a pounding headache, and felt Ajax with his arms still around you. He smiled weakly, his bags dark.

“You’re awake. Do…you want breakfast? Or something for your hangover?” You didn’t want to fight, too tired to do so. You simply nodded and he kissed your forehead as he slowly slipped out of bed. You missed him already.

He walked back in, with food and something for your hangover as he cupped your cheek in his hand. Once you finished your food, you got ready to speak but he beat you to it.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done…that. I should’ve been there for you [Name]….” He trailed off, seeming as if he he didnt know what to say.

“It’s…okay. I just…I don’t want it to happen again. I didn’t want to seem…pushy but it hurt me a lot.” He nodded as you spoke, since you’ve told him before what ‘it’ was.

You two talked it out, spending the day together to make up for it. It was nice to be back in your boyfriends arms.

So, I’ll probably write a fluff about this later, but I hope he wasn’t too ooc. Also, the ‘it’ was your past lover cheated and basically ridiculed/gaslighted about it. What Childe did reminded you of that day, which sent you into an attack. {He knew abt the partner but not the trigger}

Self indulgent once again <3

#childe x reader #childe x gn!reader #angsty #angst with a happy ending #hurt/comfort #genshin x gn reader #genshin x reader #read tags #childe #tartagalia x reader

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marblesphere · 3 years ago

Text

Xiao x reader

!Angst Warning!

Slowly and gently, I can see how he tucks the loose lock of her hair to her ear. I can also see how she blushes at his gentle gesture. A small barely noticeable smile on his lips. I clench my fist tightly, I feel the Qingxin flower's stem crushed in my palm. I want to walk away from the irritating scene, but my feet are rooted on the ground. As if some force prevented me too.

It took all my willpower to tear my sight from them. "Xiao…" I whispered to the wind, hoping he would notice. But alas, the harsh reality proved otherwise.

10 years. It took me ten years to befriend the so-called vigilant yaksha. The only remaining yaksha. The yaksha which is said to be the coldest amongst all of the adepti in Liyue.

I met Xiao when I was 6 years old. I was lost in a forest near Liyue harbor. I remember Granny Ping said to call Adeptus Xiao if I ever had any trouble. So with a snotty nose, I wail out his name. A gust of gentle breeze blows before a tall big brother (at that time) in teal arrived. He frowns at me. I still remember my hand, which was full of snot and tears, grabbed his long sleeves and cried to it, effectively soiling the pristine cloth.

He almost flung me instinctively, but I know how hard I grabbed it and I am still a Liyue citizen. Xiao kneeled and with an awkward pat on my head, he lifted me up easily. Without a word, he jumps high. I can still vividly remember the breeze blowing my face. I stopped crying immediately and realized how high we were.

Tears were replaced with small giggles. From the position we were, I found my parents shouting my name. "Papa and mama." I leaned my body, wriggling out of his arms.

"Don't move." That was the first time I heard his voice. It's so beautiful that I shut up immediately. Xiao maneuvered and landed near to my worried parents.

"Mama, Papa!" I rushed to them right after Xiao put me down. My mother quickly hugs me tight, afraid if I were to disappear again.

"Where were you?! Do you know how worried we were?!" Papa scolded.

"But Papa, Adeptus Xiao took me home." I wriggled out from my mother's embrace and looked behind me, only to find empty space.

"Adeptus Xiao was with you?" Papa asked bewildered.

"Yep. Granny Ping told me to call for Adeptus Xiao if I had trouble. I did and he came. He jumped so high and I could see you." I excitedly told them my tale.

Not long after, I finally found out not many people can meet the elusive Adeptus. But I was determined to meet him again. To thank him and befriend him.

So, I ask the most knowledgeable person in this world, Granny Ping. Granny Ping told me that Qingxin is his flower. I want to pick one, but it only blooms in high peaks which is impossible for me. So, the next best thing is buying from a florist. Granny Ping also told me where to give the flower. Wangshu inn. Thus, I made it my mission to go there everyday to give him a Qingxin flower.

In Wangshu inn. As expected, I couldn't meet Xiao, instead I met the owner. Verr Goldet. After hearing my reasoning to visit the elusive Adeptus. She told me to put the flower on the balcony on the highest floor. I will stay there for hours without meeting him. And I do this everyday for almost a month.

Maybe Verr was taking pity on me. She told me to help her deliver a plate of Almond tofu to Xiao. And thus, our second meeting. I was so excited that I almost fell flat smashing the tofu to the floor if not for his fast reflex.

Xiao frowns when he sees me. "Adeptus Xiao, thank you." I smiled as I gave him the flower.

"Don't come close to me." He frowned.

"But, I want to." I shook my head. "Granny Ping told me you have protected us. I want to thank you." I pouted.

"...I am just doing my job according to the contract. I don't need any thanks." He said.

"Even so, I want to thank you." I said persistently.

I think that was the time he gave up explaining to a small naive kid. From that day on, I meet him everyday with a Qingxin flower and a plate of almond tofu. Of course, I still have to call him or else he won't show up even with almond tofu.

After a year, he softened up a bit. At least, I don't need to wait for him on the balcony. He will always be there by the time I reach the balcony with a flower and a plate of almond tofu. Another year and I can even manage to slip a Qingxin flower to his hair. And the second year of our meeting is truly the start of my happiness. Xiao gave me a small trinket made from sage technique to ward off evil. Every year following that on my birthday the small trinket will increase, a crystalfly, a leaf butterfly, you name it. And last year, he gave me an amulet. The amulet I have never taken it off since I wore it on my birthday.

In exchange I too, so persistently celebrate his birthday, since he won't tell me when is his birthday, I just mark the date we met is his birthday, not until a few years later he finally grumpily told me his real birthday.

I started learning martial arts and cooking courtesy from Xiao for the former and Smiley Yan for the latter.

10 years of hardwork, 9 years of nurturing feelings, all of them have gone to the drain. With just one appearance of this girl. No, she is not a traveller with a fairy. She is just someone from Qingce village. Xiao met her when he was patrolling around the area. Just in a month she undone all my hardwork. Now they are a step away from being lovers.

I made my way back home. For the first time in 10 years, I didn't go to Wangshu inn, no I didn't go to meet him. A fresh Qingxin I have picked and a plate of almond tofu are laid forgotten on the table. Fresh tears finally flowed down from my eyes. It hurts. It hurts so much looking at them. It hurts so much seeing him smile at them. The smile that I thought only I could see.

'It's not yours anymore.' A sickly sweet voice whispered

'He is finally happy. He finally rid himself of you. You are just a worthless girl. You don't deserve him.'

'The love of his life is not you. It will never be you.' The sickly sweet voice cackled gleefully.

That night I succumbed to the negative emotion of mine.

The next day, I resolved to investigate that girl. I have realized I am not good enough for him. That's why I want to make sure she is good enough for him.

'You just want to make yourself better if you find a flaw in her. What a liar.' The voice back in my mind echoed.

I shake myself, trying to get rid of those voices. First, I will obviously start from Liyue. I heard her parents are doing business in Liyue and she sometimes tags along. And today, she didn't come. Perfect. I have double checked in her parents' shop.

But every answer I get from them lowers my spirit. In the end, I can only summarize her in one word. Perfect. She is so perfect. All of the people I ask from will sing a praise to her. It's almost impossible for a perfect human like her to exist. But she is, and now she could even open the vigilant yaksha's heart in the span of a month.

To clear my head and the annoying voices in my head, I make my way to the secret place I have found a few years back. Inside the forest where I first met Xiao, there is a small patch of Qingxin flower field deep inside the forest. Qingxin flower, which is said to only bloom in the highest peak, somehow can grow in that patch and only that patch. The area around it is also safe from hillicurls or slime. Xiao said he never detected any malicious intent around the small field. Thus, that area became our secret spot.

Either Celestia likes to mess with me or I am just that unlucky, I met the perfect girl. She is surrounded by hillicurls. I frowned, I materialized my weapon and took a step.

'Why don't you just leave her alone. She is powerless. If the Hillicurls get her killed, then no one will be with your precious Xiao again. You can have him all by yourself.' The sickly sweet voice is tempting me with that.

I stop dead in my tracks. Indeed, If she is dead, then Xiao will have no one but me. It will be just the two of us again. I take a step back and turn myself.

'Good. This is what you should do.' The voice cooed.

"Kyaaa!!"

I grit my teeth and spring back to act. I rush to the group of hillicurls, which fortunately just 3 of them. I swipe their feet using my polearm. "Run!" I barked at her. She flinches at my harsh glare and voice, but finally starts running.

I quickly engaged with 3 hillicurls. I am not a pro, but Xiao taught me enough to defend myself. I panted after I finished the last hillicurls. I am just glad I didn't get any deep injury. "Kikiki!" A small fireball flew past me.

I cursed my luck. A pyro abyss mage is waving his staff and 3 small monster heads are firing flamethrowers at me. I barely dodge it. "Kikiki!" Then another cyro abyss mage comes out.

I gulp. This place might be my grave after all.

*3rd POV*

Yue Mei is just picking herbs by herself. She giggles at the thought of the famous vigilant yaksha literally swept by her feet in their first meeting. She fell in love at the first sight. She glanced at a charm on her neck. She is really grateful for this charm. She made a wish a year ago in an adepti abode. And that adeptus gave her this charm. She is told to wear this everyday, everywhere she goes. This charm will help her.

True to his word, after she had worn this charm. Everyone has become nicer. They gave her a lot of free stuff and some even started to court her. She was shy at first, the attention she got was really overwhelming. But, she already has an ideal man. A man who is strong and handsome. And her ideal man turned out to be Adeptus Xiao.

She blushes again remembering him. Their last meeting ends up with Adeptus Xiao tucked her hair back to her ear. This intimate gesture is really making her happy. Soon, she will confess to him soon. And they will become a couple.

But, her daydream is short lived. A group of hillicurls suddenly appear and surround her. Fear gripped her entire being. "A...ade...adept…" She is too afraid to even call the yaksha. One of the hillucurls raises its club high. "Don….'t… Kyaaaa!!!!" She let out a blood curdling scream as she closed her eyes.

But the pain didn't come. When she opened her eyes she saw the hillicurls on the ground and a girl wielding a polearm glared at her with such hostility. "Run!" She barked at her. Yue Mei flinches at her harsh tone. But her feet finally gained their freedom as she ran away to the direction of Wangshu inn.

Her feet are tired and trembling. She collapses on her knees. "Adeptus Xiao." She whimpered. A familiar breeze whirled, and Xiao came. Looking at the trembling form, Xiao frowns, "What happened?" He kneeled in front of her.

"Hi...Hillicurls…" She managed to stutter.

He hisses, knowing those monsters targeted someone under his protection. "Where are they?"

"There…" She pointed to a direction. "A girl...wielding...polearm...is...holding them...off…" She said shakily. The entire time she clutched her charm.

"A girl… wielding polearm…" His eyes widened. A girl wielding a polearm. The only one that comes to his mind is "[Your Name]..." He whispered. Somehow his mind becomes clear, as if the fog in his mind has been blown away. Xiao quickly summons his own spear.

"Don't!!!" Yue Mei quickly grabbed his hand. "Don't...leave...me alone." Tears streamed down her eyes, making her look so pitiful. This usually invokes some kind of protective instinct from the opposite gender. But, unfortunately for her. She is dealing with this the one and only Conqueror of Demons. Now the spell has been broken, he is not as nice as previous him except to a certain mortal.

"Release me!" He growled as he glared at her, more specifically at her charm.

She flinches at his harsh tone and glare. She stares at him wide eyed. He never used this kind of tone with her, not even on their first meeting. Her hands loosen up. And Xiao quickly disappears from her, leaving her all alone.

Xiao rushes to the direction that the girl pointed to. His mind is racing with what ifs. He finally arrived, but [Your Name] is not on sight. There are only 3 dead bodies of Hillicurls. He calms down a bit. She can handle herself just fine if it's only 3 Hillicurls. But, when he observed more carefully once again, his blood ran cold. Not far from him, a puddle of red blood is spotted, along with two dead abyss mages.

His heart thumped loudly, looking at the trail of blood moving to a certain direction. To the direction he is so familiar. His mind starts racing with a really unpleasant outcome.

"~~~♪ ~~~ ♪" The wind brought a familiar tune.

"...Xiao...where are you…?" He heard it. Her voice. But her voice is so weak, like she will disappear forever. Xiao has never rushed this fast. Right now in his mind, there's only she has to be alright.

*1st Pov*

"Hah...haah…" I panted as I stabbed my polearm to the ground, using it to stabilize my body. The puddle of blood on the ground beneath me is proof it's too late for me. 'If I were to die… At least let me choose the place.' With that in mind, I dragged my feet to our secret spot no, my grave. The small patch of Qingxin flowers.

I drop my body in the middle of the patch, hissing from the pain. But the smell of Qingxin is calming me down. It feels like Xiao is with me.

"~~~♪ ~~~ ♪" with my shaky voice, I started humming a tune. This song is passed down from generation to generation in our house. Apparently this song is some kind of a prayer back in the ancient times. My eyes are blurry now being soaked by blood. "...Xiao...where are you…?" I couldn't see anymore. I reach out my hand, hoping he will grab it. Then a miracle happened. I can see Xiao grabs my hand and pulls me up. I can feel the pain has started to dull and then disappeared, I feel so light, so free. I can see him clearly. Hand in hand the two of us wander to wherever we desire.

"Thank you for coming." I smiled.

#Xiao x reader #Angst #Genshin Xiao #genshin x reader

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axwalker · 3 years ago

Text

CREEP 3: You're just like an angel

Pairing: Drake Walker x MC (Lexie O’Brien) Book TRR

Synopsis: Drake is a hurt, angry teenager. After being rejected by Lexie, he spends two years bullying her until he discovers the horrible truth behind her rejection.

MASTERLIST HERE

In this chapter: Lexie gets to know more about the boy hiding behind the monster.

A/N: This is Lexie’s POV. We’ll be in Drake’s head in the following chapter.

A/N 2: Thank you to my beautiful prereader @burnsoslow

Your suggestions made all the difference! LOVE YOUU ❤️

A/N 3: Thank you to @mskaneko for the edit that closes this fic. It’s gorgeous! I love youu ❤️

Words: 5,108 🙈

WARNINGS: Parental abuse, domestic violence, toxic love, abuse, bullying.

THIS IS NOT YOUR USUAL MARSHMALLOW DRAKE. He was abandoned as a boy, he’s tortured and he doesn’t know how to express love.

This is a dark love story. If you think this might trigger you, PLEASE do not read it.

ALL MY FICS ARE 18+

TAGS ON THE COMMENTS --As this is darker than usual; I’m only tagging the people who commented in the previous chapters. If you want to get on or off the list for this fic; please do not hesitate to ask!!

LEXIE

Watching Drake put my duffel bag on the back of his motorcycle, my pulse is getting out of control on my neck. This is happening. I’m leaving home. I’m getting out, and I’m never coming back. And Drake Walker, my tormentor, is helping me. He actually defended me. The fact that I’m being helped by the person who called me a future trophy wife this morning makes this moment even more surreal. He’s had this tormented expression on his face for the last half an hour that’s stupidly making me want to hug him or make him feel better. For what, though? I don’t know. I don’t owe him anything, and still, I have this pressing need to wrap my arms around his neck and tell him everything will be okay.

When it comes to Drake, my emotions have never been truly logical. One second I hate him, and the next, I’m whispering his name in the darkness of my room, my fingers sawing against the wet cotton of my panties. My feelings for him are incredibly confusing…but I know asking him to back off was the right move. Even if I secretly miss his presence everywhere I turn. In my unstable world, there was something comforting about knowing he would always be there. Watching me. Hating me. Wanting me. That last part was never in doubt. He’s made that clear many times. That if I wanted, he would “give me a nice long hate-fuck in the back of his trailer.” And he’d always say, “No one has to know, baby,” in that deep, hoarse tone that keeps me up at night. Makes me shove my fingers down the front of my panties and struggle to breathe, sweating through my covers to an orgasm. I’m having those particularly sexual thoughts when he looks over at me, and I don’t quite manage to hide my lust. His movements slow, a dark eyebrow arching as he fixes on my mouth, my breasts. I’m a real hot mess right now. Beaten and bloody, but there’s no denying he’s still attracted. It’s always there in the rise and fall of his chest, the clicking of his jaw. The tenting of his jeans. How many times have I turned in class and—avoiding his gaze—locked eyes with his jeans instead? At least that’s one thing us poor fuckers have going for us. We know how to fuck.

Well, if I thought sympathy was a strange emotion regarding this boy, jealousy is even more confusing. Why should I care that he’s been with other girls? Obviously, he must have been with hundreds of girls to get good at sex. It’s none of my business, is it? I’m almost rid of him. And I don’t want to be jealous. Still, when he holds out his hand to help me onto the bike, I ignore it with a raise of my chin and climb on myself. You’re almost rid of him, Lexie. Get a ride and say goodbye. Unfortunately, I may have been a little overenthusiastic in asking to be taken to a motel. I’ve never been to one, but I know a credit card is required—and I don’t have one of those. Nor do I have enough cash in my wallet for more than one night. I need to figure out an alternative plan fast. Still looking damned tortured, Drake places his helmet on my head and gently buckles the chinstrap. Swallowing loud enough to hear over the passing cars. Helmetless, he brings the engine to life, the vibration so exhilarating; I wrap my arms around his middle on reflex.

I can feel taking a deep breath. “Lexie…” He can’t see me, so I give in to the impulse to press my cheek to his leather jacket, absorbing the warmth and his smell, earthy and so masculine.

“Yes?” Drake clears his throat, his voice even more profound. “My dad left me a cabin a few towns over. Near Portavira lake.” He pauses. “It’s very rustic, but I’ve been fixing it, so it’s clean, and it has a bed and some supplies. I could take you there. You’d be safe.”

It’s dangerous to start accepting more favors from him, but what choice do I have? My father made sure that I’m helpless. He did it with my mother and now me. Isolated us from everyone who might be a friend. I’ll accept his offer, but only because here and now, I promise myself I’ll find a way to help myself in the future. To leave my father and his house of horrors in the past. Maybe it can’t be done entirely alone. Maybe accepting help is the only option. That doesn’t mean I’m forgetting the way he treated me. Yes, I’m attracted to him but I also hate him. He’s made my life miserable for two years and I won’t let him --or myself, forget that. Maybe he’s hiding right now but I know Drake--as my father, has a monster underneath. His monster might not slap me or make me bleed but that doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous. Poisonous words can hurt as much as one well-delivered blow.

“Okay,” I say, feeling him relax. “Thanks.” I’ll accept his help for now and leave as soon as I can.

He responds by turning on the engine of the bike again. That’s when I hear my father yelling my name from the back door of the house. His hands are tied behind his back, and he’s limping, blood coming out his nose.

“Alexis Jade O’Brien! You get your ass back here right now, or you’ll never be allowed back! You’ll be dead to me!”

He has to be joking; he’s been dead to me since the first time he hit me. I look back at the pathetic old man with every ounce of rebellion I have. Baring my teeth, I give him the middle finger and dismiss him. Forever.

“Good girl,” Drake murmurs a second before driving away. I don’t look back a single time. We drive for half an hour. After twenty minutes on the highway, the trees grow denser and denser, the road deserted. We don’t pass a single car on the way to the cabin, which comforts me when I should be worried. Shouldn’t I? I can’t allow the last two years of em2otional battle to mean nothing. To melt away in the face of tonight’s act of kindness. I meant what I said. I need Drake to leave me alone. To release the hold he has on me. I’ve cut one negative force out of my life tonight. The last thing I need is a replacement. But as I grow tired against his strong back, his woody and manly scent lulling me, encouraging the trust he doesn’t deserve, I worry leaving him might be easier said than done. Especially when we arrive at the cabin, and he lifts me off the bike, cradling me to his chest like I’m made of crystal, a moment too long before settling me onto my feet. It’s hard giving up his warmth, but I push off his chest, creating distance between us. He watches me back away like I’m breaking his heart.

“There is a shower inside,” he says quietly. “You can finally get the, uh…” He blows a breath. “…the blood off.” The sun sets as we stand there. It’s nothing like the light of the night we kissed. This time it's brighter, more intense. It must be the higher elevation.

“You’re not hurting anywhere else?”

“I’ll be fine.” Why is he breathing so fast? “What’s wrong, Drake?”

“What’s wrong?” He fights through a humorless laugh, sliding his hand through his hair. “Where do I start? Most urgent is…I know you’re going to want me to leave you here alone, and I don’t think I can. Look, if you want to lock the doors, I’ll sleep outside on the ground, Lexie, but please don’t ask me to go.”

He’s right. I was going to tell him it’s OK to go back to his trailer. There was a convenience store with a payphone a mile down the road. If there is no working phone in the cabin, I can still make calls, if necessary. I’m not sure what my next move will be, now that I’ve run away from home. But I know I’ll never be able to think with a clear head as long as Drake is around, looking at me like that. “Drake…”

“It’s just that once I leave, I know that’s it. You’re going to shut me out again. And this time, it’ll be your choice.” He paces away, still raking his fingers through his hair. “I deserve to be cut off. Fuck, I know that. Believe me when I say I hate myself right now, but if there was something I could do to make up the last two years to you, even just a little—”

I shake my head. Nothing can make up for the two years I spent loving him while he tortured me. There will be nothing between us.

“I understand.” His fingers rake his hair one last time. “You can go in the cabin. I’ll sleep outside; that way, I’ll be sure your—father won’t be back.”

Despite myself and my better judgment, I worry about him. “Outside? It’s cold and dark; I can go to a motel.” At least for one night, I’ll figure out what I’ll do after tomorrow.

“No way. Look, I won’t be able to sleep anyway. Just go inside and try to rest; I’ll be fine. I’m used to it.”

Used to what? Sleeping outside? “Isn’t there a couch or something?”

He shakes his head. “The cabin was in ruins until six months ago when I started working on it. There’s only one bed, but there’s a rug next to the fireplace. Please don’t leave. I—I need to know you’re safe.”

I know Drake would never abuse me physically. I might be naïve, but I just know he would never do it. And as much as it’s difficult for me to understand why I feel safe with him here. Still, I have to be smart, my instincts tell me to trust him, but my instincts have been wrong about him before.

“Does the room lock?”

“It does with a bolt that can’t be opened from outside. But you’re safe with me, Lexie. I swear.”

It’s his miserable look that makes me decide. “Okay, if it locks, I can stay here.”

We go inside, and he leads me to his room. When my bag hits the floor next to his bed, I get even more nervous. I just left everything I know behind me and have no idea what’s coming next. School will be over in a few weeks, but I can graduate earlier, thanks to my credits. I’ll need a job, save some money, get an apartment and apply for college in Cordonia. It’s overwhelming.

I don’t want to cry in front of Drake. I don’t want to show him I feel weak, sad, and pathetic, but something inside of me suddenly breaks, and before I can’t do anything to stop it, I’m sobbing.

Drake is sitting on the bed in a second, and he’s pulling me into his lap, trying to calm me down. “Shh Lexie, it’s okay. Cry all you need to. I’m here. It’s okay,” he repeats in a litany as he rubs my shoulders, kisses my cheek, then my nose. Why do I feel so safe with him? Why, after everything he put me through, do I want to be here with him more than anywhere else?

“Let it all out, Lex. You’re so strong, baby.” He takes a cloth handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to gently clean my tears. The piece of fabric seems so incongruous in his rough hands that I can’t help but smile a little.

“Is this yours?”

He shrugs. “My dad collected them. After he died, my mom gave all his stuff away. This handkerchief is the only thing I have left of him. And this cabin.”

“I’m sorry, Drake. I don’t want to ruin it.”

He smiles. “Ruin it? Impossible. If anything, now it's even more special to me.”

The softness in his eyes looks so sincere it scares the hell out of me. I can’t let myself forget who Drake really is. I stand up from his lap and put my bag on the bed.

“I’m really tired; I’d better go to bed.”

“Okay … can I just look at your wounds?” he asks as he inspects my face. “You have some nasty cuts,” he adds, his fist clenching.

When I nod, he takes my hand and leads me to his bathroom. The room is as simple and modest as expected. Block walls, no tiles on the floor, no curtain on the shower, and an old toilet. A million years away from the white marble bathrooms in my house.

He follows my gaze and blushes. “I’m sorry. This is not what you’re used to. I—uhm, I’m slowly putting it together when I have time and some money. I’m good with my hands.” I look at said hands, and there’s no doubt he’s good with them. They look big and calloused. Capable and rough but so gentle with me. I want them all around my body. As if he had listened to my silent demand, he grabs me by my waist and sits me on the counter next to the sink. My legs part on instinct, and he puts himself between them. We don’t talk for two long minutes until he opens the faucet and wets a towel.

“I just got the water running this week; Come on.” Gently --almost reverently, he washes and cleans every cut, every injury. Softly he brushes his thumbs over my face. He doesn’t speak as he does, but there’s a tension between us. A raw feeling that has always been there.

“Tell me about yourself,” I blurt out, desperate to break the moment.

“There’s not much to say. Sorry, Lexie!” he exclaims when I wince. “Does this hurt?”

“A little. I. need a distraction. Why do you live alone? I know your dad is –uhm, gone, but where’s your mom?”

“Gone too.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Drake.”

“Don’t be. She was a bitch. She died in a car accident two years ago. She was living in Texas back then.”

“I don’t get it. Two years ago, you were here in Cordonia.”

“Yeah, she left me after my dad died. Took my sister and left me here. Reminded her too much of my dad, she said.”

I remember Jackson Walker. Everyone in Portavira does. He was Liam’s dad's bodyguard and died protecting him. But that was five years ago. If his mom left just after his passing, that means Drake has been living by himself since he’s thirteen years old. It can’t be.

Drake turns around and opens a box in the corner of the room. When he turns back, he’s holding a Band-Aid.

“I keep these around. Construction can get nasty sometimes. Come here, Lex.” He cups my chin with one of his big hands while he cleans a cut next to my eyebrow. His touch is leaving goosebumps all over my skin. I hate to be this affected by him.

I clear my throat to avoid the embarrassment of talking in a squeaky voice. “So, who were you living with?”

“No one. My aunt got custody when my mom left, but her husband didn’t want kids. He made her choose between him or me, so I’ve been living on my own since I’m thirteen.” My heart breaks then. Not only at the fact that he had to live by himself when he was still a child, but at the way he says it. Matter-of-factly. As if it was the most normal thing in the world that his mother, his aunt, and his uncle abandoned him. As horrible as my dad is, I’ve never had to fend for myself. And my mom loved me so much. If cancer hadn’t taken her away, she’d be here fighting for me. Drake has no one. I can’t help the tears glistening in my eyes. “Hey! Don’t cry, Lexie,” his thumb moves from my eyebrow to my cheek as he wipes the tears off my face. ”I prefer to live by myself than go to a foster house. And Leona checks on me now and then.”

“If your mom died, where’s your sister?”

He takes a deep breath but doesn’t pronounce a single word for a few minutes. Finally, he clears his throat and speaks. “Savvy was with my mom in the car. She died too.”

I want to say something. Anything. But I can’t. Nothing seems like enough. Sorry is such an empty word—a stupid cliché. I’m horrified at my own muteness, so I do the only thing I can think of. I hug him. At first, he just stands there, his arms hanging at his sides. But soon, I can feel him giving in, his heart beating hard against my chest. He encircles his arms around me, wrapping me in the tightest hug possible. I don’t know who’s comforting whom anymore. I only know that I love being here, and I hope it’s giving him a little solace, this hug.

It doesn’t mean I’ll forgive or even forget what he put me through, but no one deserves to go through that kind of pain alone.

“I’ll be outside, Lexie,” he says when he finally lets me go. “If you need anything, anything at all, just call for me, okay?”

“Wait!’ I yell, so he turns around. “Are you really going to sleep on the floor?”

He shrugs. “I don’t mind. I just want to make sure you’re safe,” he hesitates as if he’s going to add something important. “Good night, Lexie.”

“Wait,” I feel my cheeks redden just thinking about what I’m about to propose. “You can sleep here, I-I know you won’t hurt me.”

“Never,” he says, a determined look on his face. “I would never hurt you that way, and you have no idea how much I regret how I’ve treated you in the past. But I’ll be okay sleeping outside. I know you’ll feel better sleeping here by yourself.”

I can’t deny that. I meant what I said about trusting him not to hurt me, but I can’t forget what he did either. “At least take this pillow and the blanket. I’ll manage with the pillow and the cover left.” He hesitates, so I insist. “Please. I won’t be able to sleep otherwise.”

After taking them and giving me one of the saddest smiles I’ve ever seen, he closes the door behind him and leaves me alone in the room. I lie on his bed, incapable of sleeping. The pain in his eyes when he told me about his little sister haunts me all night long.

The following day I toss around in bed, confused and angry at myself. I can’t have feelings for Drake Walker. I can’t forget the insults or the anger in his eyes, the hurt that his words caused me every -single time. I just can’t. I hate what happened to him. I genuinely do, but iI have to think about myself. Denying that I’m attracted to him would be preposterous. Our chemistry is strong and undeniable, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Maybe that’s it. Perhaps I just need one night with him, so I can move on with my life. Get him out of my system.

When I finally leave the bed, I find a note under my door: Went to buy some groceries, be back soon. DW

I go to the room where I assume he’s going to build the kitchen. For now, there’s only a more-than-a-few-years-old microwave and a cooler. I open the cabinets, but there’s barely anything there.

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door. I feel my heart slamming in my chest; if it’s my father, I have no means of defending myself. I’m about to escape through the back door when a woman’s voice starts yelling.

“Open up, Drake. I’m not in the mood today.”

I open the door because the voice sounds familiar. I recognize Leona, the principal’s assistant. And I know she’s related to Drake.

Leona arches an eyebrow when she sees me. “Ms. O’Brien, what on earth are you in my nephew’s cabin? Does your father even know where you are?”

“I’m 18. I don’t have to tell my father where I am.” I answer in a much bolder tone than I feel.

She shrugs, clearly uninterested. “Well, I brought this to my nephew. Tell him I want those signed by next week. We’re not going to lose thousands of euros because of some dumb nostalgia.”

She hands me a big manila folder, I take it, but she doesn’t let go. “Maybe you’re the one who can convince him.”

“Convince him about what?”

“His father Jackson left him this piece of land, but it isn’t worth a dime without cattle or money to invest in it. But, a couple of months ago a big company approached us, they wanted to build a landfill here. Drake refuses to sell. He thinks he’s going to honor his dead father by rebuilding this old piece of crap, but he will never have the money to do it.”

“Never.” The deep voice that comes from the entrance startles us both. “This was my dad’s dream. He wanted a ranch, and one day this place will be one,” Drake says, “I told you already, Leona. I won’t sell; I don’t care how much they’re offering you to convince me.”

“I’ve never denied that they’re offering me a commission for the sale, Drake. But I still think it’s the best move for you.” Leona leaves the papers on the table, turns and leaves the cabin.

“You love this land?” I’m genuinely curious.

He slowly nods. “It’s all I have left of my dad. He’s the only person that ever gave two damns about me.”

“That says more about your family than about you, Drake.”

He looks directly at me. His gaze doesn’t leave mine for a long minute. I want to get closer to him, to touch him. Not only to offer some comfort but because my body reacts to him in the wildest way. Just standing next to him in the kitchen, I feel my heart beating faster, my hands trembling harder, my sex getting wetter. The response he gets from me is maddening. And it’s making me insane. There’s no freaking way in hell; I’m going to have feelings for Drake Walker.

“I- I need to take a shower. I’ll eat later.” Without giving him any time to respond, I run to the bathroom and shut the door. I open the shower and get inside, desperate for some release, anything that’ll take my mind off him. His stupid perfect smirk and deep eyes. That voice of his, intense, soft, and deep at the same time. Those big hands, calloused and capable. Hands that I just know would know precisely how to touch me. Before I realize it, I’m coming as quietly as I can. Sadly, my relief only lasts a few minutes, my body needs him --Drake Walker, and no substitute would do.

When I come out, he’s waiting for me with a hot cup of coffee and a couple of white chocolate-strawberry muffins---my favorite kind.

We eat in silence, but I don’t feel the weight of it as I usually do. Ours is a companionable silence.

After breakfast, we decide to take a hike next to the lake. A bit of exercise and the lake’s breathtaking landscape might be exactly what I need to stop thinking about my father and the confusing feelings I have for Drake.

“I think I need a job. Do you know how I can get one?” I hate that I’m so spoiled, but I’ve never lifted a finger in my life. I have no idea how I can get a job.

“Uhm sure. Here in Portavira?”

“Actually, I was thinking of moving to Cordonia city after graduation. “Drake stops walking for a second. “It’s too late to enroll for next semester, but I can get a job and start college next year.”

He finally starts walking again and nods slowly. “What do you want to do?”

I blush. My dreams don’t include being famous or rich. All I want is a good, quiet life. Falling in love, having a family. Doing a job I’d enjoy and traveling as much as possible -even if it’s on a low budget. “You’ll think it’s dumb.”

Drake looks at me. “I swear I won’t, Lexie. There’s nothing you can say that I’ll find dumb. It’s just not possible.”

“I love books. They offer you new worlds. They allow you to escape and be someone else for a few pages. You can never be alone when you’re reading a book. I’d love to have a job where I would be surrounded by books. Maybe become a librarian and then open a bookstore one day.”

Drake nods but doesn’t reply. I knew he would find my dream stupid.

“I know it’s not much-“

He stands in front of me and tilts my chin until our eyes meet. “It’s amazing, Lexie. I was just thinking how great you’d be at it. Remember the top 5 assignment for Mr. Daniels?”

Of course, I do. Mr. Daniels, our English teacher, asked us to make a list of our five favorite books and recommend them to the class.

I nod. “Yeah”

“Well, I read all the books on your list. I checked them out of the school’s library and fuck, I loved them all. Especially the one from that Krakauer guy.”

“Into the Wild?”

“Yep. I really enjoyed it. The way that guy Christopher reinvented himself spoke to me.” He holds my gaze. “You’d be an awesome librarian, Lex. You would also be an amazing writer. I remember that short story you wrote for Mr. Daniel’s class. The one about the lonely girl and how she traveled through time with her mind. You have no idea how much I loved it.”

I can’t believe he remembers that story. We had that assignment more than a year ago. “I’ve always wanted to write, but my dad thinks my stories aren’t good enough.”

“Your father is a dick. Your stories are amazing.”

He looks at me in a way that makes my knees weak. The intensity in his eyes is overwhelming, so I feel it again. The connection with him. The desire. Maybe the only way this would go away is if I give in to it.

“There is something you can do for me,” I say, surprising myself. As soon as those two words are out of my mouth, though, I know there is something I need from Drake.

And he’s the only one who can give it to me. “Get you out of my system.”

He stands still as a statue. “What?”

“Get yourself out of my system.” It starts to rain, and it makes me speak louder, feel bolder and freer. “For two years, you provoked me, insulted me, stalked me, bullied me…” He makes a frantic sound, his eyes slamming shut. “And yet, I still—I still can’t stop thinking of your hands that night in my garden. How big and warm and rough they were. I can’t stop imagining you taking off my clothes. Even the ugliest things you’ve said to me, I imagine you saying them in my ear while you…while we…”

Drake falls toward me a step, clutching the center of his chest. “Lexie—”

“Please, get yourself out of my head. One night together. Okay, Drake? So I can get on with my life knowing fantasy was way better than reality. That I built up some unrealistic idea of what we’d be like together that we can’t possibly live up to.” My throat closes. “Get me on the road to forgetting you. Please.” As we walk, I can see the mixture of devastation and hope in his eyes.

“And what if reality lives up to the fantasy?”

“It won’t,” I say fast, with conviction. It couldn’t possibly live up to it. And yet I suck in a nervous breath when he crosses the divide between us, every cell in my body craving him. Fight or flight. In a matter of moments, he’s gone from wounded animal to determined predator, the rain causing his dark hair to hang low over one eye, dripping, his hands ready at his sides.

“Are you so sure, Lexie?”

Damn my hesitation. “Yes,” I whisper. “You’ll prove me right in one night. I can move forward without feeling like I’m leaving something behind.”

“What if your fantasies come true tonight? Could we ever move forward as…as an us?”

I can’t believe what he’s suggesting. “There can never be an us, Drake. Not after everything that’s happened. I’ll never change my mind about that.” I shake my head. “How can you think I would?”

“Maybe I think if I want it hard enough, it’ll come true.”

“It won’t,” I whisper, starting to ask myself if I’m making a mistake. Opening myself up for even more heartache and pinning for this man than I’ve already lived through. It feels like a lifetime’s worth. “One n-night.”

“No backing out from this point on?” My heart beats urgently.

“No backing out.”

He’s silent so long; I’m not sure he’s going to respond. And then, all at once, he reaches me in two strides and scoops me up into his arms. I realize he’s going to bring me into the cabin, “I’ve been studying you for years, Lexie O’Brien. I’ve been hanging on to your every sigh, every expression, and mood. Years. If you don’t think I’ve obsessed weeks of my life away over how you’d like to be fucked, baby, you’re sorely mistaken.” We reach the house in a matter of minutes, and he doesn’t stop; he just keeps going until we’re in his room. And oh God, I have made a severe miscalculation. Because Drake’s showing me exactly what’s always been in my heart and mind when I thought of us together, it’s my fantasy come to life, the two of us wrapped in the arms of the other. And as he turns me, urging my legs around his waist, his ravenous mouth bearing down on mine, I realize I might never recover from this.

#axwalker writes #tw abuse #tw toxic love #tw violence

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spenciegoob · 4 years ago

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Cracked Mirror

A/N: hi, I continued to see a bunch of “season 2 Spencer would be so scared of season 12 Spencer, so I decided why not write them meeting? let’s do it, baby super angsty :P it took everything in me to not tag ‘how it should’ve gone’ but basically this is ‘how it should've gone.’

Summary: Spencer Reid? Meet a very much older Spencer Reid.

Pairing: Season 15 Spencer & Season 2 Spencer

Category: Angst

Content Warnings: no ship, mentions of drug addiction, drug abuse, Tobias Hankel, Maeve, mentions of Jeid

Masterlist

Word Count: 2.4K

_____

Spencer 15:

The smell was always the first thing I noticed when I woke up from a restless sleep. It meant I was alive, that the terrors that danced across my eyelids like a ballad of the doomed were not real. I never believed in the Higher Power, but if there was an Evil Spirit, it possessed my mind the second my guard fluctuated.

The smell, however, the one made up of stiff air that paralyzed you and blood you weren’t sure was yours, that smell meant I got to live another day.

It also meant I could still die.

But now I woke up in a startle because I wasn’t supposed to be here. I escaped this place before, I made it out. Did my only indicator of life just turn into my own personal Hell? Was I finally gone, seconds ago hoping for rest only to come to the conclusion that I would never get the chance?

I was back in a gray jumpsuit, and what scared me the most was how quickly I got up to make my bed.

“Reid, you have a visitor.”

Spencer 2:

They say every person in their career has a moment that changes the way they view their job forever, and I would’ve liked to continue to believe I had mine already, when I put away the first unsub that didn’t deserve the life they were unfortunately gifted to live out. I know I couldn’t sleep much after.

But now that I hurry past empty cells and recreation rooms on my way to a stone box with a killer, I changed my mind.

This was my moment.

I had to keep up with Hotch, and I wish it was because I was scared of getting lost, but it wasn't. If I lose Hotch, I’m afraid I’ll lose my life.

We just had to reach the interrogation room, and we’ll be fine. We just have to talk to... to who?

Who are we here to see? Why am I here?

“Hotch.” The older man stopped his fast pace to turn to me exasperated. I would have that expression too if someone stopped me in a place like this, but here I am, feet stuck to ground like a fear-inducing glue because I can’t remember why I’m here.

“What’s wrong, Reid?”

“Why am I here?” Hotch didn’t get angry, or confused at my question. Instead, Hotch’s face turned into something that was a prized rarity at other times, but right now, it ran my blood cold.

He nodded at me, his face visibly relaxing with understanding, and kindness spreading from his eyes into mine.

“You have someone here you need to see.”

And then he just continued the path we were on until we reached a metal door with a window not large enough to see who was waiting for me on the other side. I didn’t get too close, giving myself a 5 foot head start in case I needed to run, but Hotch would never put me in a position like that, right?

He would never use me as a pawn in a game of life or death.

“Whenever you’re ready.” By the time all the questions flooded through my head like a tsunami that made it to the tip of my tongue, Hotch was gone.

The invisible magnetic field between myself and the door was a force backed up by science. I felt the way it tugged me forward, like negative and positive electrons charming me with the song of the buzzer unlocking it.

When I was ready, he said. Would I ever be ready for the feeling that washed over me? I felt the weight of the world rest on my shoulders, stuck in an ocean made entirely of resin, slowly hardening around me to keep me trapped.

But I still grasped the cool metal doorknob, and I wish I took a deep breath before entering. It was the wrong call on my part, because I walked in and all the oxygen left my lungs in a flash.

The air in the room felt different. It hung with the purpose of imprisoning those who dare breathe it into their lungs. Enchantment and intoxication were meant to hold beauty and grace, leading the charmed to a fulfillment in life worth living.

But the eyes of Medusa were in the room with me, and I was stupid enough to turn to stone.

“Who are you?” How could I ask that? I knew the answer by looking into his eyes. I say his, because they weren’t mine. Sure, they had the same hazel color, and the same round, boyish shape, but they looked so dull. Sadness, the kind that moves mountains and starts wars, was buried deep in the beholder, casting a shadow over his soul.

I didn’t stare for very long. I couldn’t.

“You know who I am.” His voice was worse. “I know why I’m here. Sit down.”

“I- I just... Absolutely not! This is- this, I- I can’t. I have to get out of here.” Insanity! It had to be. I was staring at a person I didn’t know, yet knew every little detail about, and I couldn’t breathe.

“Sit down before you panic.” There was no point in lying and saying I was fine, he knew it would be a lie. We weren’t just profilers.

So I sat, taking my time to round the table and pull the chair farther back to establish a far enough distance between us. He did the same. Of course he did.

“Answer my question,” I whispered, looking down at the place where the leg of the table met the top.

“There are far better questions to ask me.” He was right, there were more pressing matters at hand, but how do you ask someone what landed them in a jumpsuit when you were terrified of the answer?

“Did- is time travel a thing?” The second the question left my mouth, I realized how absurd it was, but so was staring into the cracked funhouse mirror I was currently stuck in front of.

“Come on, we don’t have much time, and that’s what you want to ask me? Dig deeper.” Is this how Morgan feels when I’m always right?

How could I dig deeper when it all went so far that the only thing consuming my soul was a bottomless black hole? The memories flashing from projectors all around me as I sank further until eventually my oxygen ran out. Going deeper meant letting the weight of my heart push against my chest like a rock thrown into the depths of the ocean, but I suppose he would follow me.

“What happened?” I looked up to see him take a deep breath, leaning back in the chair with careful contemplation. There was something more though, something that lingered the second we met eyes.

Jealousy. There was nothing of myself to be jealous about, however.

“We made too many mistakes.” We. Only one of us was in the jumpsuit. There had to be some way to avoid that, right?

“God, this is insane!” I promptly shouted, standing up frantically. “You’re the prisoner here, not me, okay? I didn’t do anything. You did. How am I even here? What is happening, I don’t understand.” At the end of my yelling, I was so far out of breath that I had to lean against the wall. “What is this?”

“Tobias Hankel.” No no no, it can’t be. Am I dead?

“Sit down.” I listened immediately this time, too exasperated to care about being cautious about it.

“You’re with him right now, and from what I can tell, you’re probably in a drug-induced dream.” My head shot up at the mention of Tobias’s coping mechanism for myself. “When you wake up, I don’t expect you to hold onto hope, but for that quick second you let go, don’t feel guilty about it. It will eat you alive if you do.”

“You’re insane.”

“Maybe, but I’m right, and you need to listen to everything I’m telling you.” I was never one to make demands like this.

“And if I do? Will it stop me from becoming you?”

“No, probably not.” Before I had the chance to get angry again, I watched the way his eyes started to glisten with tears. I watched him crack a little bit more, adding to the already gaping slashes across his heart. How many more until he breaks?

“Leave them in his pocket,” he continued after taking a grounding deep breath. “You don’t need it.”

“What are you talking about?” Secretly, I knew what he was meant, because after this nightmare ended I would be back in a far worse one silently begging to return to this interrogation room.

There were so many thoughts running through my head that it was hard to focus on just one. Plus, I wasn’t really getting any context here.

“I don’t think I can give you many details. I don’t even know if we’ll remember this, or how I got here, but we don’t have much time. There are so many things you need to know.”

“I know practically everything.”

“No you don’t, kid. You know nothing.” He suddenly stood up, walking over to the wall on our left, leaning a hand against it and hanging his head. “When you feel like something is wrong with him, don’t keep it to yourself. Tell Hotch, request time off, do whatever you have to do. Just, go visit him.”

“Who?”

“You’ll know.” There was so much guilt in his voice that I felt it in my chest. It was like a hole was drilled into me, leaving my heart exposed to vultures who wouldn’t hesitate to rip pieces from me.

“What about my mom? Do I... you know?”

“No, you don’t, but promise me something.” He turned to look at me again, hazel meeting hazel. “On days that she’s lucid, tell her everything. Tell her what you ate for breakfast, and that one time Morgan fell trying to kick a door open. Tell her about the dark parts, about how much you love her. Tell her everything.”

“Oh God is she-”

“No. I don’t think I should be telling you that, but no. Don’t think like that.” As if remembering something, he rushed back over to sit down, pulling his chair in and leaning over the table. “Stop running every negative outcome of every situation in your head. Be careful, but don’t be so careful it becomes reckless. That’s how people get hurt, including you.”

“Is that what happened to you? Is that how you ended up here?”

“No. I’m innocent, always was. I ended up in here because I let myself get blinded by a fantasy I had no business dreaming about. There’s going to be times for you to have dreams bigger than yourself, but the second they start to become nightmares, you have to pull yourself back. Don’t get trapped, kid.”

“You know, Morgan calls me ‘kid’. I don’t really know if I like it or not.”

“You’ll come to love it, but with Morgan, don’t push him away. He’s one of the only few people in this world that won’t scrutinize or judge you, and you need to be honest with him.”

“Why?” After asking, I immediately regretted it, because his answer was the one I’ve been dreading the most.

“Because things are going to hurt you, and it’s okay to ask for help every once in a while.”

“What things? Tell me,” I begged, rushing my words and internally cringing at how desperate I sound, but I needed to know. I needed to know the truth.

“When you fall in love, tell her.” He casted his eyes downward, staring at his hands rough and calloused from the years, kind of like Hotch.

“Is it... is it JJ?”

“No,” he let out a breathy laugh, shaking his head softly. “You’ll learn one day the difference between being in love with someone, and just simply loving them.”

I couldn’t help the disappointment spread through me for a second, but I quickly gained my composure when I remembered I’m sitting across a profiler.

“This is too much.” My brain was starting to hurt.

“I know, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” A question crossed my mind causing my hands to stop their fidgeting for just a moment, but as quickly as it came, it was gone and my hands resumed. He caught it though. Of course he did.

“What was that thought?”

“My d-” I cleared my throat before continuing. “William. Did he ever...?” I let the words fade out, hoping that he would understand where I was going. He did. Of course he did.

“No.” He took a deep breath, eyebrows furrowing and jaw clenching tightly. “He didn’t.”

“Oh.” While I was disappointed, he looked angry. As sick and twisted as it was, I wish I was more like him. Even with the despairing look in his eyes that came with agonizing memories, he was the man everyone expected me to be.

He looked at me as if he also wished the roles were reversed. Of course he did.

The edges of the room slowly started to get fuzzy, my vision blurring for a second. “You’re waking up.”

“Can- can I ask you something?” Even though I was terrified of the answer.

“Of course.”

“When did it all go wrong?” He let out a long sigh before running his hands down his face.

“I can’t tell you the exact moment, because even I’m not sure. I can tell you that even when it doesn’t feel like it, you’re alive. You survived, and on some days that’s all that’s going to matter.”

“Do you smell that?” Please say yes, because the smell of burning fish hearts and livers was burning my nostrils and clouding my head.

“Wake up, Spencer. It’s okay.”

“Wait!”

Spencer 15:

My eyes shot open only to be met with blinding lights that seared my pupils. The beeping coming from the machine next to me was the second thing I noticed, and the third was a very alarmed Penelope.

“What happened?” My voice was raspy, and my throat burned intensely.

“You don’t remember? Spencer, you collapsed.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t think of what else to say. Logically, I knew I probably sustained a head injury from the explosion, but when I tried to think beyond that, my brain got fuzzy.

“Are you okay? You know, besides the whole passing out thing?”

“Y-yeah, I just.” I stopped talking. Just what? Penelope hummed curiously for me to continue, but I couldn’t.

“I think I got a second chance.” No matter how vague it was, how little she knew of what that truly meant, Penelope beamed with joy at my answer, and I smiled right back.

“I’ll go get the doctor.” And when she left, I stared up at the ceiling, hoping that the scared kid I used to be took my advice.

____

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fortisfiliae · 4 years ago

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Promised Part 17 - Tom Riddle x reader

Summary: In this story, Tom didn’t grow up as an orphan, but with his grandfather and uncle. Reader’s sister got very sick and the Gaunts offer their help. But not without asking for something in return.

Disclaimer: Please be aware that I don’t condone any of this in real life. (GIF is not mine)

Warnings: None, finally

Word count: 1.2k

Part 17 - Epilogue

The year after the incident at the chapel in Ramsbury went by very uneventfully compared to your last year at Hogwarts and the weeks after, even though so much was changing. Boring was certainly not the right word to describe it. Everyone involved had wished for a bit of peace and was more than happy to live a quiet life for a bit.

Marvolo’s body had been buried appropriately. A small bribe had been enough to make the Mediwizard who had examined him confirm that he had died naturally, of old age. Marvolo had been right after all, they must have really been a bunch of quacks in St. Mungos.

Morfin wasn’t to be found anywhere. Gaunt Manor had been empty, apart from the two house-elves, when your family, Tom and you had gone there. He must have apparated to the manor after Nagini had attacked him, however. A great amount of Galleons and some potions were missing from his chamber when you searched through it. Hokey and Scrook wouldn’t tell anyone what they had seen - they were still loyal to their Masters. They didn’t want to be freed either, even begged not to be given proper clothes. So Tom gave them to Hepbzibah Smith, an old witch who was known to be an avid collector of magical antiquities and was looking for elves to serve her.

Since Morfin wasn’t there to inherit any of Marvolo’s riches, they were passed down to Tom directly. He owned Gaunt manor now, as well as the mountains of Galleons that were locked up in the Gaunt’s vaults at Gringotts. While Gaunt manor had been tempting to pack your bags and move into, both of you didn’t fancy the thought. The house was linked to countless haunting memories for Tom and despite its enormous size, it was way too cold and rigid for your liking and reminded you too much of the Gaunts themselves.

So Tom sold it to a wealthy family, muggles as far as you were aware, which must have made Marvolo turn over in his grave one last time.

Tom bought a house in your home town shortly after, smaller yet still as boastful as you had expected it to be. It even had a telephone installed, which you didn’t mention to him after you had given him a look when you had seen it, to which he had just shrugged and rolled his eyes.

You didn’t move in with him immediately, as your parents didn’t allow you to leave your home unmarried. They allowed you to visit him, though, and you did so as often as you could.

Life had gone on as it always did and you had gotten a job right after school. The Most Extraordinary Society of Potioneers had reached out to you after they had seen your grades and gotten a letter from Professor Slughorn. They had asked if you wanted to be trained to become a Potions Master, which was an honour not many witches and wizards were granted with. It hadn’t taken long for you to accept, so you were in close contact with one of their tutors, a witch by the name of Guiliana Toffana.

Tom had taken on a desk job for the Ministry, which paid well even if it wasn’t the most exciting work to do. He had plans though, wanted to work himself to the top one day. And for all you knew, there was no one stopping him from doing so.

Camille had started working as an assistant at Ollivander’s Wand Shop in Diagon Alley. The year had been hard to bypass for her, as she wasn’t able to see Ben as often. They sent each other owls almost daily and the only thing you worried about was that none of you were in Hogwarts anymore to help Ben out with Herbology. Tom had suggested that your little sister Elsie could help him study, as she had started her first year and had been sorted into Gryffindor.

On 1st July 1946, one year and one day after your almost-wedding, Tom invited you over to his house. You would have lied if you had said you weren’t expecting it. And he met your expectations by getting down on one knee. He asked you to marry him again, 366 days after he had done so the first time. And your answer was different now.

Only a few weeks later - you would have never thought it to be possible to organise a wedding this quickly, well, what a bit of pocket money was able to do - the big day had come.

It couldn’t have been more different from the day in Ramsbury. Your whole family, even the distant aunts and cousins, as well as all of your friends had been invited. Everyone gathered in a small castle north of the Peckforton Hills in Cheshire, where the ceremony and subsequent celebrations were to take place. Even muggles would have described the place as magical. Its old walls and lush, green lawn inside the courtyard reminded you of Hogwarts a lot.

You wore an elegant white dress, not Mother’s, but one that you had picked out yourself. One last look into the mirror before the ceremony would begin and, you even had to admit to yourself, you had never looked better.

Father had to help to calm you down before you entered the chapel with him. Walking down the aisle with the music playing and all eyes fixated on you was scarier than fighting the Gaunts had been. But Father was there by your side, leading you up to the altar safely.

And the moment you spotted Tom waiting for you there, all nerves were soothed. He bit his lip while you approached him slowly, his eyes wandering up and down your figure. A smile, one that even reached up to his eyes, formed on his face and didn’t seem to leave after he had taken in the sight.

Ben, his best man, stood behind him, and only watched Camille, your maid of honour, from the side as tears of joy ran down her face.

The officiant’s speech got drowned out by your thoughts, as you lost yourself in Tom’s eyes, standing face to face with him in front of all of the guests. The way he looked back at you, deeply but still collected, led your mind to wander.

Love surely wasn’t like it was described inside a book, no, but when the people involved were honest and trusting, it could turn out to be even better than words were able to ever describe it. You both had changed so much since you had gotten close. And you were going to change with every day that you would spend together. There was much work to be done still, many compromises to be made and a lot of healing yet to start. But you were sure that with an open heart and a tiny bit of luck, you were going to make it. And you couldn’t wait.

Time had passed by so quickly until now and it would pass by equally as fast from now on. Every day was just another grain of sand falling down the hourglass that was life. But now that every grain had Tom in it, they seemed to drop differently. Happier, more meaningful and full of expectation for what’s to come. Every grain was to be cherished and the two of you promised that to each other when you both said the words. “I do.”

The end.

Well, we’re done :’) I’m a bit sappy, it’s hard for me to let this story go. I actually can’t believe I pushed through and really finished it. 43k words, a short novel. Wow. And I wouldn’t have been able to do it, if all of you hadn’t liked, shared and commented on this story. I really need the feedback and you all were so kind and gave it to me. So, credits to you, we made it. And as always, thank you for reading!

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danniburgh · 4 years ago

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Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 15

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.1k

Chapter warnings: smut! unprotected sex (p in v), some rough touches, javi being soft and... secrets???

A/N: This chapter is set between season three, episode seven and eight. // yet another long one with plot but we have love!!!! keep bracing yourselves, next part is gonna be HEAVY

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gif: @bestintheparsec

After you landed in Bogotá you and Javier hopped into his suv without even saying a word to Feistl and Van Ness.

You knew he was as or more exhausted as you but he still drove all the way to your building with a blank expression; you drifted off again in the passenger’s seat and when he pulled over he grabbed your hand to wake you up.

When you opened your eyes he pulled your hand to him and grabbed you by the nape of your neck, you whined out in surprise as he smashed his lips on yours. His mouth moved hungrily, his tongue invaded your mouth without your permission, you tried to keep up at the same time your body was waking up completely. You pushed him away by the chest when he bit your lip way harder than you would have liked.

“What’s going on?” you asked him, his face quirked in frustration, his brow furrowed, his eyes darkened by something else than just lust.

“Just let me touch you” he whispered and threw himself to you, his hand landed on your hip and the other on your breast, tugging hard through the shirt you were wearing, his shirt. You smacked his hand away again.

“Javier, stop!” he separated himself from you “I like things rough, I really do, but this is angry and I need to know what’s going on inside here” you raised your hand to his temple.

“Please, just let– just let me touch you” his voice was thinner than a thread, you cupped his face and he leaned into your hands, he looked incredibly tired, frustrated and angry, he grabbed your wrists and brushed a finger against the back of your hand, closing his eyes. You knew he was furious about what happened in Cali, you could see it in his body language, and the way he didn’t talk to anyone on the way back, not even with you, you could see it in the way he was forcing himself to move without breaking something or punching someone, he was just seeking physical contact, you knew that, that was something you had learned about him in the very short time you had been… whatever you were, he was a very touchy person, so it was logical that he wanted to touch you after feeling incredibly negative emotions about something going wrong at work, and then you wondered if that was why he was always going to brothels, just to fuck the negative feelings off.

You moved your hands from his face to his neck and pulled him to you over the console in the middle, he let out a big sigh and dropped his hands to your waist and pulled you to him, clenching you in his embrace. You felt Javier hiding his face in the crook of your neck and you just held him, you moved one of your hands to his hair, waiting until he wanted to let go, just realizing your headache had disappeared.

Javier felt the fog inside his head clear slowly, he stopped thinking about everything that had gone wrong in the last ten hours and started thinking about when was the last time he had been held like that before you, thinking how good it felt to get drunk in someone else’s scent, to get drunk in your scent. After he relaxed his body he still cling to yours, loving the contact way too much to let go. He allowed himself to think more about you, to think on how fast you had become something… else, someone important, someone that felt real, someone safe, who he could really be himself with, he smiled slightly when he realized the amount of intimacy that was in the embrace you were entangled in, he wouldn’t rather have that with anybody else.

“Do you feel better?” you whispered to him when he started moving his hands through your back “you wanna talk about it or do you want something else?”

“I want to be inside you” he murmured against the skin of your neck.

“I’m pretty sure that can be arranged” you tugged his hair slightly and felt his smile on your skin.

Less than three minutes later you were opening your apartment’s door with Javier’s mouth nibbling on your neck and his arms wrapped around your waist. His touch wasn’t hurried like the kiss he had given you earlier, his kisses were now patient, slow and wet, waiting for you to open the door.

Once you did he walked you inside and he even took the time to appreciate your space and give you a small smile when you turned around in the embrace to face him.

“See why I like yours better?” you whispered before he could close the distance between your mouths, curling your arms around his neck.

“Your’s cozier” he mumbled, ripping a smile out of you then kissing it.

He pulled you impossibly closer to him, your chest was on his and his hip brushed your body, you could feel his bulge getting harder through the fabric of his jeans and your pants. You walked backwards towards the living room without breaking the kiss, his lips were taking your breath away and giving it back slowly, you could feel the warmness of his hands squeezing ever so slightly your waist and you thought you couldn’t get more wet.

You bit his lip softly and he let out a groan that made your legs feel like they were made of clay. Javier broke the kiss and snaked one hand through your body to cup your jaw. His gaze was pinned to yours and you let out a sigh when you noticed his pupils incredibly dilated, making his gorgeous brown eyes look black. His lips moved as if he was about to say something but was hesitating to, you saw his eyebrows relax and gave him a soft smile. You wanted to think that you knew what he was about to say and at the same time you were telling yourself that you didn’t. Even if you were reading it in his face, you lied to yourself that he wasn’t telling you anything.

Javier was sure you could read his expression and again, as he did everytime he got to be alone with you, he was counting on it. He had no words, he was bad with them in situations like those, so he was really trusting that you could read in his adoring gaze what he was feeling in the moment.

Your breath hitched and for a moment your instinct told you to run the hell away, but he kissed you again and you hated him for making you forget everything about everything. Even about yourself.

He tugged at your/his shirt and started unbuttoning it.

“Please wear my clothes everyday” he muttered against your lips, making you giggle.

“I could but they look better on you” you whispered back as he opened the garment that had quickly become one of your favorites of his, and slid it off your shoulders. His lips traced kisses from your mouth to your jaw and then to your neck, you tilted your head to the side to give him access to it and sighed when he gently bit the skin between your neck and your shoulder. His hands were roaming freely through your back and his fingers swiftly unhooked your bra, you took it off and moved to unbutton his shirt while one of his hands cupped your breast and his thumb played with your nipple. He was still attacking the skin of your neck and drawing out moans from your throat when you forced his hands away from your body to take his shirt off, he obliged and took a step back to strip off of it, letting out a groan at the brief loose of contact, you stood there for a moment, admiring his naked torso, your sight was blurred with desire for him but before he could grasp you and kiss you again you grabbed his hand and guided him to your room with a smirk adorning your face.

Javier stood in front of you and cupped your face in both hands to steal your breath away once again, your hands slid from his chest to his waist to unbuckle his belt and work on getting him out of his insultingly tight jeans. He shivered under your touch once your hand got inside his pants and you brushed his erection with your fingers painfully gently while the other played with the hem of his pants.

“Take this off, please” you whispered, without a word he obeyed and pulled them down along with his briefs to his ankles, stepping out of them and forgetting the garment on one of the corners of your bedroom.

You didn’t hesitate to follow, you smiled to yourself when you remembered you hadn’t had the chance to change out of your clothes since the night you slept with him for the first time and that somehow turned you on even more.

Javier was pumping himself while taking the sight of you stripping out of your clothes and shoes, you bit your lower lip at him and without a second's notice, his lips were flush against yours once more, his hands, hot and heavy, wrapped themselves on your waist, you turned him around and walked towards the bed. Your palms rested on his chest and once you knew the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress you pushed him delicately and made him sit in front of you.

He immediately buried his face on your chest and started leaving soft wet kisses on your skin, his saliva felt incredibly hot on you and you sighed when his mouth got hold of one of your nipples.

You straddled him, wrapping your arms around his neck and letting your hands play with his hair and burrow themselves in the short brown curls.

Javier moved from one breast to the other, his arms trapping you against him, you let out a gasp when he gently tugged your nipple with his teeth.

You could feel his hands exploring the skin of your back, sending shivers down your spine, you tugged softly the hair of his nape to make him look at you and you kissed the bridge of his nose, he smiled at you and you slid your hand to brush the wrinkles in the corner of his eye with your thumb.

“You’re really pretty” you whispered, moving your hips to the front so your core grazed slowly against his erection, he closed his eyes and moaned out loud.

He had never been called pretty before without any other adjective after it, and he felt quite surprised at himself because he liked it. Javier didn’t consider himself as a conventionally handsome man, he knew he had an appeal, he had worked on his flirt game for years until almost perfect it, he knew what he could offer and he knew what he could do to somebody, but the idea of him being perceived as other than handsome or hot never crossed his mind. Yet, hearing it in your voice, he settled in the fact that he didn’t want any other person to call him like that but you. There were a lot of things he only wanted to happen with you. And the sudden realization that you, somehow, even with the little time you’ve known each other, knew exactly how to love him, hit him like a scorching wave of hot air.

One of his hands left your back and got between your bodies to align himself up to you, there would be another time to play more and to get to know your body in other ways than just burying himself inside you, but in that moment he needed to feel you clench around him, he needed to anchor himself to you and you only. You felt him throb as he looked at you and rubbed the tip through your wet folds; you sighed in anticipation and patiently waited for him to slide inside you. He filled you slowly, you could feel the way he was stretching you as you sank into him, his eyes not leaving yours and his free hand covering your upper back to hold you close to him.

“Perfect” he mumbled against you, resting his forehead against yours as his now freed hand snaked to your shoulders and placed itself on your nape, you felt a familiar sting in your throat at his praise, you wanted to tell him you weren’t at all perfect. And again, in that moment, with him inside of you and making you feel fuller than ever, with his large hands cherishing as much of your skin as they could reach, with his smoky breath mixing with yours and his tired eyes taking you in, there wasn’t another thing you wanted more than to tell him the truth.

You started rolling your hips slowly and almost absentmindedly, Javier let out a sigh and closed his eyes, letting you take control of him again, he tightened his embrace and you could feel the thin layer of sweat that made his chest glisten under the daylight that came in through your bedroom window.

He kissed you, his plush lips moved softly on yours, you let his tongue enter and roam around your mouth as one of his hands traveled down to your hip and gripped your flesh lightly to guide your movements. His kiss was making you forget every thought you had inside your head, the way he was leading your hips made him bottom up and reach higher inside you, grazing against that specific sweet spot that made you shudder on top of him, you sighed his name once, twice, three times against his lips and he smiled.

Javier moved his hand from your hip to the small of your back and stood up, he turned around to lay you down on the bed, hovering over you, still filling you, still kissing you. He leaned on his elbow to avoid crushing you with his body, you wrapped your legs around his waist and he started rocking his hips, dangerously slow, incredibly steady, as if he was trying to reach further inside you, as if he was trying to bury his whole body in you.

He savored the feeling of your core accommodating itself to the new angle, he took in every single one of the noises you were letting out, his hands tried to roam all over your body, his eyes outlined the shape of your body under his and he tried to memorize every sensation, every gasp and moan and shudder, yours and his, he tried to breathe in as much of your scent as he could, he broke the kiss and tried to store in his mind the way your face quirked in pleasure, your eyes closed shut, your mouth half opened, your cheeks blushed and your forehead covered in a barely noticeable layer of sweat.

You realized you had your eyes closed when he kissed your lids, then the bridge of your nose as you had kissed his before, then each cheek, then your chin, and finally your lips again. You tried to remember the last time you had felt that full, the last time you had felt as cared and worshiped as you were feeling under him and you failed. You snaked your hands on his back and dug your nails smoothly on his skin, he groaned and you thought of that sound as one of the most beautiful things you had ever heard.

He tried to lift your leg higher on his back, you let out a gasp, feeling a tug on the muscle of your calf.

“Ouch, ouch” you whined, Javier stopped moving and opened his eyes to look at your face, frowning.

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered worrily, you smiled and shook your head, trying to move your leg from his grip.

“Cramp” Javier smiled at your chuckle, he pushed himself back and kneeled on the bed, pulling out of you almost completely, he grabbed your ankle and stretched your leg, you laughed when you felt your toes curl.

“Does it hurt?” he smirked at you, you shook your head again, watching him as he put your ankle on his shoulder and started massaging your tightened muscles. You moaned at the touch, at the loss of him inside you and at the relief in your muscle and threw your head back on the bed, he kept kneading your flesh and you laughed again. “what?”

“I just realized how tired I am” you muttered, he chuckled.

“You wanna stop?” you looked back at him with a playful frown, fuck no. His smile grew wider and he placed two kisses on the skin of your calf “better?”

“Much” you bit your lip “c’mere” you opened your arms for him and he leaned down forward, you reached down to grip his cock and align it again, he got inside easier than before and without a second thought renewed his movements, rolling his hips to bottom up rougher. You moaned his name again and the burning sensation inside you made you close your eyes.

Javier’s picked up the pace and started thrusting faster, in a way you could feel him graze against your cervix.

“Harder” you sighed, if you hadn’t closed your eyes you could had seen the satisfied smirk that crossed his face, he bit his lip as he shifted on top of you to rock inside you with more strength, he let out a moan when he felt your breath hitch and your walls clench him in, he could feel you were close so he slid his hand from the mattress to your breast, cupped the flesh and played with a nipple “more” you breathed out he leaned closer to you and licked your lips open, the wet brush of his tongue made you clench again and his hand snaked to your clit, rubbing painfully slowly with one finger.

You stopped breathing for a brief moment when you felt a bundle of flames forming inside your lower belly and as if he was reading your mind instead of your body he circled his finger faster.

“Oh my– Javier!” you cried his name like a prayer as you felt your body explode from the inside out on his ear made him lose rhythm for less than a second.

“Come on, preciosa,” he felt you shaking and clenching and gasping and panting under him and when your walls tightened around his throbbing length for the last time as you rode out your orgasm, he let go, spilling himself inside with a loud moan, “oh, baby” he crashed on top of you and you held him against your body, the thought of you being his crossed his mind ever so briefly and he smiled with his face hiding inside the crook of your neck, your hand burying itself on his sweat-wet hair, his hand brushing your shoulder, your chest rising in need for air, you felt his lips brushing lightly on your skin and for the briefest of moments you felt three hazardous words wanting to slip out of your mouth.

Not now, not today. Most probably, not ever.

You didn’t realize you had fallen asleep until you felt the loss of his body weight, you opened your eyes and found him sitting next to you, just looking at your body, bare and spreaded out on the wrinkled duvet. He smiled at you and without a word stood up and walked naked out of the room, you sighed for the thousandth time that day and grinned when you heard the shower turning on.

A half hour shared shower later that was hot and steamy solely because of the water, he was getting dressed while you were standing in front of your closet with only a grey pair of dress pants and a white bra on, browsing for something to wear to the meeting you had later with the ambassador. You pulled out two button up blouses and held them next to each other, one was baby blue and the other plain white.

You felt his arms curling around your naked waist and his chin resting on your shoulder, his stubble grazing over the shoulder bone, he pressed his chest against your back and you smiled at the comforting sensation of his body heat against your nearly bare back.

“I like the blue one better,” he whispered, you let out a chuckle.

“You think?” you tilted your head to consider his choice, he took advantage of your movement and buried his face on your neck, he hummed in affirmation as he licked over your jugular, making you moan and laugh at the same time “Javi, stop, it tickles”

He chuckled, let a gentle kiss just below your jaw and broke the embrace so you could put on the blue shirt.

“I have to go home to change” he brushed his mustache with his thumb as he looked at your deft fingers buttoning the shirt, you nodded.

“Have you seen my phone?” he looked around the bedroom floor.

“Your satelital?” you asked as he walked out of the room into the living room.

“No, the other one, I can’t find it” he lifted your/his discarded shirt from the floor and threw it to the couch when the device wasn’t under.

“Maybe in the truck?” you suggested, he walked in back and raised an eyebrow “why don’t you go check, I’m gonna dial so it rings” he hummed, agreeing, took a step closer to you, gave you a quick kiss and walked out of the room, you followed him and went to grab the phone from the kitchen wall, you saw him getting out of your apartment and waited a few minutes to let him reach the suv. You dialed his phone number and he picked up at the third tone “where was it?”

“Under the seat” you chuckled “a’right, pick you up in fifteen, okay?” you frowned, in the middle of his sentence the line cut for less than a second, barely noticeable, you had heard something like that before.

“Great, what are you gonna wear?” you asked, stalling, trying to make him talk more to maybe hear the cut again and confirm what you were suspecting, you listened and gripped the receiver as close to your ear as you could, you heard him getting inside the truck and starting the ignition, the line cut again, you choked down a grunt.

“I don’t really care” he replied, his voice cut again, you tried to keep the line open for a few more seconds.

“Wear something pretty” you tried to tease him, you heard him chuckle and the line cut again, fuck “see you later, handsome” you hung up the phone and disconnected the telephone wire you took down the whole thing off the wall. You put it on the counter and found the small hole to open the cradle. Inside, beside the circuits, the button pad and the amplifier, there was a small black square connected to the commutator. “fuck” you hissed, taking in out, it could be held just on the tip of your finger, it was significantly smaller than the other’s you had seen before.

For a moment you actually put thought on who would have tapped your phone and laughed humorlessly because you already knew the answer. You put the little device on the counter and shook your head, intercepting your home phone was stupid as fuck because you never used it.

And then, like flicking a switch, it came to you. They knew that. They didn’t just tap your phone. I was almost certain that they had wired your house.

“Shit” you hissed again, louder. Where the fuck would the microphones be hidden?, you started roaming around the outlets on the walls, looking for something slightly moved or out of the ordinary.

You walked inside your bedroom and towards one of the end tables, the one with the lamp, you moved it and found a thin gray wire sliding inside the socket on the wall “dammit” you grumbled. Your fingers followed the wire to the base of the lamp, you lifted it and under it you found an almost too small microphone. Right in the bedroom.

Right in the bedroom where you just made love with Javier, screamed his name and gave yourself to him for the second time.

You pulled it out with a frustrated grunt, rolled it on your fingers and stuffed it inside your pocket.

How you didn’t see it coming was beyond you, you knew what they were capable of, but didn’t actually think they would doubt you that much.

Everything was starting to get messy, and before you could wonder how much time those taps had been inside your house, you knew you had to call them out. You knew from there the only way was down.

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