#the more obvious it is to me Why i'm so prone to depression. like the trauma doesn't help but i also just Am Not (EVER) getting enough

[ifistayitwillbedouble]

HIII i saw your post so these are my doubts

1. why didn’t they make it more explicit that mike is gay

2. why did mike accidentally say he loved el in the cabin

3. why did they wait till the end of the show for byler

(i’m a raging byler btw, these just trip me up)

HI thanks so much for sending this in! seriously it's so much fun to respond to ppl :))

i love the points you sent over bc they're all things i've thought abt before, especially 2. that one used to trip me up a bit so i'm gonna save that one for last:

1. and 3. okay, i wanted to put these two together just because i think they have some overlap. if they made mike more explicitly gay before s5, with will being confirmed gay and in love with him, it would make byler so obvious. that then leads into the question, "well, why wait till the end for byler then? why not make it obvious?" i personally have a few reasons for this:

-with it being the last season, there's no risk of the show being cancelled. unfortunately, netflix doesn't have the best track record for keeping queer shows around (*cough cough* i am not okay with this). i'm not sure how big of an issue this would be for stranger things given that it practically made the company what it is today, but it's one of those factors that limits a lot of queer stories in the mainstream, so it's something to consider.

-they'd also have less to worry about if there's homophobic backlash or lost viewers. since having a queer storyline, especially among main characters, is bound to be controversial, stranger things could've lost support and view counts going into s5 if they had made byler canon. this would be a sucky reason for them to hold off on byler if it was the only reason, but it can also be understandable. if netflix got pissy about losing money, they might have been more prone to meddling in the last season. it would also definitely hurt the creatives behind the show to have people stop caring about the art they've put years into. i've seen posts of people saying they'll "boycott" ST if byler went canon and by waiting till the final season, they essentailly render that threat useless. you watch the final season to boycott what? rewatching? it could be a smart decision on their part for that reason and i think it is also worth it to note that by waiting till s5 for byler, they're making it much more likely that these homophobic viewers will watch a queer storyline until the end, which can only be a net positive instead of risking them abandoning it halfway. it might change their minds, who knows

-my favorite reason: the themes/character arcs weren't ready for it. truth-telling is a big part of stranger things with "friends don't lie" and all that. s4 is the season that doesn't go well for the characters or for this theme. all of the characters end up lying/hiding something. el lies to mike for months about her life in cali, mike acts different than who he is in cali and tries to lie to el about saying ily to her face ("i say it" "you can't even write it, mike"), will lies to mike about the painting. this isn't even just unique to the cali plot as all of the vecna victims in hawkins are hiding something. chrissy, max, patrick, fred-they all hid what they were going through and that ultimately made them victims ("conformity is what's killing the kids"). i mean, this makes sense given that vecna's curse is an allegory for depression and suicidal ideation, so not speaking their truths makes the depression/vecna's curse worse and is therefore not a good thing for our characters to do.

okay paragraph break. s4's ending is explicitly a loss for our characters (mike saying to will that, "[el's] never lost before" in the cabin). hawkins is in ruins. max is in a coma. things are not great. s4 is the setup of the low point in the story so that s5 can come in and resolve it to conclude the show. i don't think it's a coincidence that s4 is lie-ridden and is also the season where everything goes wrong i wonder if mike's confession giving el the power of love failing has anything to do with this theme of lying bringing about bad consequences hmm. what it sets up is a thematically consistent s5 where our characters develop by learning to tell the truth and eventually save the day because of it. now, what does this have to do with byler? well you can probably see where this is going...

...byler happening would involve some deep truths from both mike and will. it's way easier to lie to yourself and those around you about being straight in the 80s than it is to come out as gay. especially if they are going for an internalized homophobia arc with mike as many bylers like myself believe, lying and pretending to be straight would perfectly fit the bill of a lie that mike has to grow out of in s5. so it's because byler is the truth that we have to wait until s5 to see it be canon. having it happen any earlier would have resulted in a tonal mismatch and some thematic weirdness and just overall worse writing. now, i also think byler is specifically something that absolutely had to wait until s5 because it's going to be important in the upcoming plot. the painting has to come back up again a la chekhov's gun and it being the first time will has ever lied to mike (also them taking way longer to film the van scene in comparison to other scenes and it being so exhausting for the actors, that i think just shows how important this plot point will be). we also know from interviews that the duffers plan to have will's emotional arc be the thing that ties together the end of the whole show. that excites me so much because they focused on will's feelings for mike and his queerness all of s4, so that emotional arc 100% will have to deal with that. we also know mike is going to get a big focus next season along with his emotional arc. with these characters being on a show that loves honesty and has a villain that literally preys on the things that people are too afraid to talk about, there has to be a reveal of some truth for these characters and it has to affect how they will eventually defeat vecna and save the day. milkvan wouldn't be a reveal of any truths, it'd be a continuation of the status quo, and so i just don't see how that reveal could be anything but byler after watching s4 (i mean, they literally set up a cyrano trope with will's painting and one of the core plot beats of that trope is that the truth about who truly loves the love interest has to be revealed. s4's cali plot was also so focused on the willelmike love triangle that it would be bizarre for that not to be a setup for s5).

i also think they made the hints towards mike being gay more evident in his actions (kissing el with eyes open, not being able to balance el and will in his life, not hugging will, etc) as opposed to hinting at it through external means like with will (him getting called homophobic slurs, characters pointing out he's not interested in girls, etc at least until s4). i honestly think these hints towards mike being gay end up being more subtle, especially for the ga, because we're not used to queer characters existing in shows that aren't centered around being queer (think heartstopper or anything marketed as a queer story). when queer characters are almost never depicted within a genre as anything other than minor side characters, villains, or just stereotypes, the audience has been taught to only recognize those characters in those roles. so while i do think some of mike's queercoding is closer to being explicit than people give it credit for (why so many byler shippers talk about all the stuff he does being gay as opposed to will, earlier byler fanfictions being focused on mike being gay and potentially being rejected by a straight will), i think it tends to go over most people's heads especially if they're not queer themselves.

you can skip this next part btw, a side note/rant on the history of queer characters in film: if you want to learn more about how the depictions of queer characters in media has evolved over time and why they even started being depicted that way in the first place i'd highly recommend looking up the hays code. the hays code was a set of censorship rules hollywood applied to itself to try and avoid being policed by the us government. in those rules, there were things like gay characters not being allowed to be depicted unless they were villains or "punished" for being gay by the end (which usually resulted in death). that's where the "bury your gays" trope and the "ever-suffering queer" trope and the "gay villain" trope have their roots because that was the only way queer characters were allowed to exist. a lot of queercoding was also developed during this time to try and get around the censors. and even though this code was lifted during the late 60s, it still has profound effects on how we tell stories through film. the filmmakers that grew up under the hays code saw and used those films as inspiration when they grew up to make their own work, incorporating the elements of the hays code into their films without even realizing. and then the next generation of flimmakers did the same thing with those works and so on and so forth. that's how the tropes that i was talking about earlier have survived so long. that's why the disney villains like scar or ursula or jafar are queercoded in similar ways to the villains of the 50s or 60s. that's why it was so remarkable to get movies like "but i'm a cheerleader" closer to the 2000s because they actually gave queer people a happy ending, despite the code mandating tragic endings being gone for decades. that stuff sticks around. cinema was also relatively new at the time so the film conventions brought about during the hays code times really shaped the way people understood film language since there wasn't much else to compare it to. and i just want to make it clear that i'm bringing this up because the code didn't just shape how filmmakers made their movies and characters, but also how the audience understands them. it shaped people's expectations and how they learned to recognize certain character types and tropes. unfortunately, there isn't much of a precedent for complex queer characters and stories, so a lot of people don't have experience recognizing that or even looking for it in mainstream media. that's a big part of what i think is happening with mike. they don't expect him to be complex so they overlook his queercoding and let the most surface-level information inform all that they see in his character, which is him dating el. a complex queer story about someone experiencing internalized homophobia or comphet just isn't something they know how to see so it has to be told to them that that is exactly what's happening. if you've ever wondered why queer people have always identified so often with villains in media or why some people don't seem to think "real queer stories" can be anything besides tragic, this little history crash course is your answer. ALSO BONUS, just bc it's fun imo: the "foot pop" trope also came from the hays code. if you've ever seen a couple kiss on screen and one of them lifted ("popped") their foot up into the air, that's a relic of the hays code. it originally started as a way for directors to make fun of the rule that was meant prevent sex in film by saying that a couple that was embracing needed to have at least one foot on the ground at all times (so they can't be in bed with both feet off the ground to have sex). it was just weirdly worded like a lot of the code was, so some older filmmakers had fun with it. it's also another example of how long the things developed from the code have stuck around to be things people still recognize today! idk, i think it's kinda cool

finally on to 2. this one used to get me because it seemed like such a clear-cut romance trope. like oh, "character blurts out a love confession in the heat of the moment because they're not thinking clearly enough to hold themselves back," i feel like i've seen that a million times before. but i think what's interesting here is the scene where it gets brought up again.

it happens in the final scene between el and mike in s3. el asks him about what he said and mike starts being avoidant and saying things like "it was all heat of the moment stuff" and "i don't really remember, what did i say exactly?" like he's trying to downplay it. it reminds me of the scene where steve is trying to talk to nancy about something she said and she's dismissive with him too, saying, "i was drunk, steve" and "i don't remember any of that". later on in the scene, steve asks her to tell him she loves him and she can't, which sounds quite familiar.

but back to mike and el. when mike isn't able to say it, el comes up to him and tell him that she loves him and kisses him. keep in mind that mike has been trying to get el back all season after she "dumped his ass". but you know what mike does in this scene? does he kiss her back? no. does he tell her he loves her too? no. he keeps his eyes open the entire kiss (which if that doesn't ring alarm bells for their relationship, i don't know what would) and then just looks confused as she walks away. what straight man in love with his girlfriend would keep his eyes open as she kisses him after telling him "i love you" for the first time? what straight man wouldn't even have a hint of a smile or any positive facial expressions after that? WHAT STRAIGHT MAN-

anyways, that whole scene makes no sense if mike's feelings for el are completely romantic. if mike's truth is that he loves el, then he wouldn't have looked so confused after the kiss. he could've just kissed her back. but he just didn't. what this suggests to me is that mike's confused about his feelings for el when if he was a straight man, he would have no reason to be. and this confusion carries on to s4 with him still being unable to tell her that he loves her back. so that's why that cabin scene doesn't read like milkvan proof to me, just something that has yet to be explained explicitly about mike's character. and despite the cabin scene seemingly being a cliche romance trope, i think it ended up being a subversion of it because of how they continued to develop milkvan's relationship problems afterwards. it wasn't a heat of the moment honest love confession because mike is still struggling with the idea of loving el romantically after.

my own personal interpretation of what was going on in mike's head in the scene where he blurts out that he loves her is that he meant it. he was scared of losing her again after s1 which clearly traumatized him. and he meant it when he said he loved el, but it was a platonic love. however, all of the people around him when he said that of course thought he meant it in a romantic way given that they were a boy and a girl (80s heteronormativity) and that they had been dating. i think it makes it clear to mike that people expect him to have these romantic feelings for el which puts pressure on him to live up to that. it could've also confused him further by making it harder to differentiate between platonic love and the romantic love he was "supposed" to feel for el. i think this confusion and pressure mike is going through in his relationship to el comes through in that final scene i was talking about. like i said, he looks confused as el walks away after the kiss. i think it's also interesting that in the original script for that scene, mike thinks to himself something along the lines of "what is wrong with me?" (i dont remember the line exactly off the top of my head) which encapsulates that confusion and a clear desire to feel what he's "supposed" to feel for el perfectly. but he just doesn't feel that way and he's starting to realize it. we'll see if my interpretation still makes sense after s5.

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that is the end of the post, whew. hopefully you enjoyed that and hopefully it helped address some of your byler doubt (ngl it is a bit long so i totally understand if you just skimmed it). this was a lot of fun to write and think about, so if it ended up not being convincing or if you or anyone has any questions/comments/concerns don't be afraid to let me know. i'd love to answer some more so i won't mind at all.

[midnight1nk]

Is it just me or has Four been extra cute lately? What could be the lore behind him being so adorable and sort of… less confrontational, lately? Is that just me? He always means well but the somewhat shorter temper he usually has feels absent in recent stuff.

I’m a little worried he’s gonna get all self-sacrificial again.

this is somehow linked to my last answer so I'll link it here [X]

There are several parts why I think this is:

(Related to my last answer) Sadly, there are people who hate 4, apparently due to "main character syndrome" and what he did in IGBP. Their words, not sure what they're babbling about. Anyway, I do think that the Team's trying to make 4 an enjoyable character to please everyone. (Though if you've been there since the beginning, you should know what you're getting yourself into *cough* twitter *cough* reddit *cough*) Long story short, the Team may be resolving online discourse

Characters change over time. That might sound obvious ik, but they have been. If it's for good or not, subtle or loud, but it's there. And yes, if you look close enough, you can see it in 4. Other than having a new writer on the Team ofc.

Now, the last part may dive into some mental health stuff, so fair warning for that:

I've never really seen 4 as the confrontational type. Sure, he might get annoyed or such, like any person irl would, but I just don't see it. Except when it comes to his friends. Like he said, he would really do everything to not lose them. In psychology, there's a thing called "the savior complex", and I think 4 might have it. He may not be threatening or confrontational, on command or for himself, but if any of his friends are in danger, he'd do whatever it takes to protect them. Ofc, it has its downside, risking his own life. Plus, coupled that with suppressed trauma and guilt. It's a recipe for disaster, a ticking bomb. Yes, he wouldn't mind the idea of death if he came to it.

If you consider all these parts together as one, yeah... not a great combo for 4 to have but then again, every story, no matter how outlandish it seems, is grounded in reality. If you look closely enough, it's pretty understandable why 4 is like this.

thanks for the ask, anon!

[a bit of more context about the last part below cut//more mental health stuff]

Think what you will on the last part, it's your choice. But I know the savior complex because I have that personally. And it's not that I'm projecting myself onto 4, no. It's that I understand him in a sense.

When you have that complex, you don't care what happens to you. Sure, at times you are scared for your own life in dangerous situations. But if it comes down to you or the people you care about to protect, it's always them. The protector, the shield. It's within your nature, no one forced you to be this way. It unfortunately leaves you prone to bullying as well as other negative side effects.

Then, with depression and such, it isn't pretty. Luckily, I've been going through therapy, healing from my past. And genuinely, I'm doing much better now don't worry. Even so, this complex kinda stays with you forever like trauma. The best way is to remind oneself that you matter. You deserve to take care of yourself, when it's too much or need a break. If any of you needed to see that today, then I'm happy you're here with us. now, take care of you 🫂💙

[viveela]

I'm not rlly hating on Style or your opinion, just like cuz Stan isn't good in a relationship(seen with Stendy), and Stan and Kyle appear to have a 'good' friend relationship, so what makes you think that Stan wouldn't treat Kyle the same if they were dating?/gen

That’s a good question. Why would Stan be any different in a relationship with Kyle? How do I know it wouldn’t be a rinse and repeat? Well, looking at their dynamic in the overall show is a big part in getting the answer to why it would be different.

There’s a lot of uniqueness in their friendship especially when it comes to what Stan does. Stan used to seek out Kyle when he’s emotional, seeing him as someone to go to. He didn't and still doesn’t really do that with anyone else. He’s also readily willing to sacrifice for Kyle, doing everything he can for him whether it be him almost dying or because he felt insecure about his looks due to a tier list. He would value Kyle’s word a lot too, often going along with what he says because of this. Stan doesn’t really do any of this with anyone else, further highlighting their dynamic as something that stands out.

When you compare this to the relationship that Stan has with Wendy, it’s notable the care and effort Stan puts in isn’t nearly on the same level. (Even more when you think about the chat gpt episode). So with all this in mind, logically it would make sense that if he was placed in a relationship with Kyle, it would probably go better.

Honestly, though, despite all this I don’t think that’s exactly the case either though. I can explain why (but it's gonna be very long and a deep dive into style's dynamic):

Hot take, but I think when it comes to Stan being in a relationship, I see it always starting off rough no matter the person involved with him due to his mental health. The obvious reasoning is his depression that's untreated, but I believe there's even more to it than this.

I mentioned this briefly, but I see Stan as a very accidentally bpd (borderline personality disorder) coded character. A lot of the behaviors that he exhibits with Kyle feel reminiscent of how one would act with their favorite person. This is most seen with how he acts when he loses Kyle, he goes through an extremely rough withdrawal period. Stan also gets sensitive easily, possessive, can switch emotions quickly, behave irrationally, prone to addictive substances, makes impulsive choices, and tried to shove Kyle out of his life before he could when his depression got severe, etc. It would explain the way he acts out whenever anything concerning Kyle happens.

Then, stay with me, Kyle strikes me as very npd (narcissistic personality disorder) coded, albeit, again, by accident. Despite Stan being his most important relationship and someone he cares for, he constantly dismisses his feelings, pokes fun at him, and tends to try manipulating him into backing him up in strange circumstances even when he's not in the right. Then look at his other consistent traits like his need for attention and adoration, strong refusal to accept when he's wrong, fearing being ostracized/abandoned, thinking himself morally superior at all times, and behaves manipulative often, etc. I feel like these traits get overlooked a lot because he's framed as the good/right one by the show, but when you really think about it, it feels like a strange line up for him until that coding is considered.

I’m no professional, but I’ve looked into this a good amount and know people with these things and it feels like it aligns pretty well the more you look into it. I won’t ramble on explaining this further, but I could if asked. It’s really interesting to think about. 

So if they got together um...it's gonna be complicated, especially with an fp involved. These kind of pairs in relationships are notorious for going bad, terrible even. The start is always sunshine and rainbows though...but then it sort of explodes. But I mean, their friendship has kinda already gone bad in modern day. Their actions with each other have left wounds. They don't seem as cheery with each other as they once were nor do they even talk much, but they do still go to each other. Even when looking at early seasons, they kept going through ‘break up’ arcs due to setting each other off. Yet they come back to each other still each time.

So my point is…yes it would be different, Stan would behave different for sure. Would it be better? Not for a long time, in fact it’d be worse for a while. Here’s the thing though, I think that’s not necessarily what matters. I think what really matters is whether it stays rough or if they manage to break out of it. I think style can and will manage to get better. Especially if Kyle gets a psychology degree, awareness goes a long way.

And as I was saying, they have this inner want to go back to each other no matter what happens. They’re only truly happiest when together and we see a clear example of this with the two pc timelines. But we also see how complicated this can be for them within the same specials. This is why I like them. They’re complicated and messy, but really do care for each other a lot and at the end of the day prefer to try mending their bond then leaving it to die out. They just need more support and communication with each other.

[cascadianights]

Disability community, I have failed for 2 decades to get diagnoses for lifelong (onset at 10) health issues and am now at the point of crowdsourcing internet knowledge. I am looking for potential diagnoses and the tests you know of that found them for:

-Severe gastroporesis (stomach muscles don't work, first/common symptoms are nausea and acid reflux along with IBS like digestive symptoms)

-Orthostatic Hypotension (blood pressure drops on changing position causing fainting/vision loss/numbness - I'm aware of POTS but I'm looking for something that is Causing all of my symptoms)

-Weakened/compromised immune system, especially leading to chronic respiratory illness and "walking" chronic pneumonia and strep

-Muscles very prone to sprain/pulling even with very little action or motion, chronic muscle pain

-Extreme chronic fatigue

-Chronically low vitamin D that doesn't match lifestyle

-Not a symptom but something I know can be involved with chronic issues: I am also AFAB intersex and autistic

Do you have these symptoms and a diagnosis? Do you remember what tests led you to answers? I have had all the regular tests run over and over, I have had all the obvious solutions (diabetes, thyroid, low iron/anemia) thoroughly checked including months long sugar and heart studies. My heart is fine, my blood pressure is NOT. No family history that seems related, beyond the autism and intersex traits being clearly inherited.

Why am I willing to listen to strangers on the internet? Bc I have been waiting 8 months to see a single specialist that May be able to prescribe more tests that May lead to an answer, since they canceled the last appointment the day before. Because I am so sick I cannot work or do the things that used to bring me joy, and am living in abject poverty. Because I didn't find a doctor who didn't dismiss and blame these symptoms on my weight or depression until I was 27, and by the time I got the SYMPTOMS named and diagnosed (not the root causes of them) that doctor had left the practice and I'm back at square 1 with "let's rerun the yearly tests and check your A1c for literally the 19th time in your life." Any answers, any tests you know of and can recommend, I am willing to hear out and research bc I am out of time health and patience with this system.

[cyanocoraxx]

10 months on T Review tm

- the acne thing has almost completely missed me. the only time it flares up is when my body "wants" to be in its cycle every few months, which i know by the back pain, cramps and headaches - but so far i've only had two actual cycles since starting and while yes they were painful they were short-lived. - my body temperature is definitely higher. i can tolerate the cold much better and find myself getting hot quicker than before? - my voice is so much lower than it was! so much so that on the odd occasion where people at first call me she, they quickly change to he after i say something to them. I'm getting a lot of "buddy" and "pal" at the moment actually. win? - muscle mass. it's not so obvious until i FlEx but it's absolutely gone up. recently i was able to lift 33kg when i weigh 37kg. madness??? i look unassuming outwardly but i'm much stronger when i apply myself to something. - facial hair is a thing. people keep telling me to shave. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - not sure if this is just some kind of blip but thought it would be interesting to note: tattoo healing??? all of my other tattoos that i got pre-T would swell MASSIVELY and sting for days. my latest one, from 2 days ago actually, hasn't swollen up nearly as much and i'm not getting any random stinging like i normally would. i know higher testosterone is linked to good wound healing so maybe it's related, maybe not, but tattoos that i have in the same place (just on the other arm) behaved so differently. - interestingly before starting T i was very prone to migraine with aura. a side effect often stated is increase in migraines and… actually i find that i've experienced the opposite! while i do still get headaches and migraines (at work mostly due to dehydration/stress rip) they're so much less common in my day-to-day life. i also haven't had a migraine with aura since starting.

- emotions. whooo boy okay. confounding factors are c-ptsd and did. as a whole things are much more positive! my emotions are level most of the time which is really good as someone who's prone to depression, and i find myself enjoying things much more. HOWEVER. this also means that i struggle to identify when something is Wrong. am i behaving this way because of depression? anxiety? who knows because i can't feel those things in the same way as before. i have a new lexicon of Feelings to navigate and i'm still learning how to verbalize it. it's more difficult to articulate what i feel and why - uhhhh trans swag. - T hasn't stopped me from being british. sorry. send post

[midnight-fox-boy]

I'm not sure if this helps but something I learned online that really helped me understand how to talk to people (and myself!!) who struggle with various things like hygiene, productivity, etc. Is that there really is a realistic medium between toxic positivity and negativity/shaming. (Long)

By this I mean, toxic positivity could be something like just constantly reassuring someone to the point it ends up being toxic. "Oh no it's okay to not shower for 3 months! Don't worry about it!" "It's okay if you haven't brushed your teeth in 6 months 💜".

And the toxic negativity (which I wont be detailed with here because I don't want to induce negative emotions or anxiety) I mean stating really messed up half truths, statistics, or shaming someone for not being perfect at always doing important things.

It's pretty obvious why the negativity is bad, but the toxic positivity with these things has multiple actually negative outcomes. It can end up not being helpful to the person in question who's really struggling but doesn't know what to do, setting them up to not make any improvements whatsoever or helping them find solutions when it's something like, sensory related for example. (Of course ask first before offering suggestions!!) and on another side of it, it's actually not really okay to go a very long time neglecting your hygiene.

And the happy medium is a mixture of reassurance, asking if they want nonjudgmental suggestions, AND actually helpful suggestions, not shaming them.

And I'm not talking out of my ass here, this has genuinely helped me personally and I know it's helped some people who have accepted my ask of "want me to try to offer some tips?"

Reassurances like: "No I promise you're not a bad person!!" "I do believe you, I can tell that you're struggling a lot", "I'm sorry people are treating you this way when you're having such a hard time"

When giving suggestions, or reassuring yourself, you have to be okay with not being perfect. You have to be okay with what helps you not being "typical". The easier you can accept that you're trying and you got something done, the easier it'll be overall. And maybe you don't fully believe it yet, but you believe it enough to give it a shot anyways.

Some examples that have helped me and that I've given others include like

Bathing but can't handle showering for one reason or another: dry shampoo/dry wash if you can access it, baby wipes on especially sensitive areas or areas prone to getting dirty and stinky (pits, crotch, butt, under breasts if applicable, feet), witch hazel for oily skin, washing your face, changing your underwear daily, antiperspirant (really feels better if you've wiped up your pits first!). And if you feel you can get into the shower but don't have the energy to use soap, just using water and if possible, your hands/a loufa can do more than you'd think.

Do these things perfectly replace showering? No, but that's not the point. The point is to minimize the risk of getting sick or an infection, the point is to feel better about how you look, smell, and feel better about how you physically*feel*. A lot of people who struggle with showering are also dealing with depression and/or sensory issues, and it can be a wild catch 22. Depression/sensory problems preventing the shower, but then feeling gross and/or BO can make the depression worse/can trigger different sensory issues, making this crappy cycle of making it even harder to bathe. All self care is important, even if it seems like it's on a smaller scale.

Cleaning/washing dishes, I legit just suggest having some disposable things on hand if possible. Washing dishes hurts my hands a lot. I sometimes need disposable things just to get through the day and properly care for myself and others. Otherwise I may actually just avoid eating which isn't helpful since I'm already underweight. And I even try to just slowly stock up so I have things on hand when I need them later! Because I know I'll need them..

At the end of the day, doing what you can to take care of yourself is so much better than not taking care of yourself at all. Id rather you "half ass" the job than no-ass it. Id rather you brush your teeth once a day than none a day. While twice a day should be the end goal, progress isn't made over night.

collection of useful things tumblr has taught me:

even if you can't fall asleep, laying down with your eyes closed will still rest your body

you don't have to brush your teeth standing up

you don't have to do any chore standing up, from dishes to showering

you don't have to shower with the lights on

if you can't brush your teeth, flossing and a tongue scraper gets rid of plaque and bad breath

if you can't do that, mouthwash kills a lot of bacteria

eating "unhealthy" food is better than eating no food

you can make the same meal everyday for however long you still want it

some pills come in syrups or chewables if you can't swallow them

kids nutritional shakes can be a quick way to get fuel if you can't eat/don't have time

if walking hurts/exhausts you on a regular basis, canes and rollers are for you, no matter how young you are

we have free will—if doing something "out of the ordinary" makes life easier for you, do it

[neonstatic]

it's just. every time it's: get high, drink, play. i'm far from the sober-prude type alright but there's barely any space for actual talking? and some part of me is sooo starved for some deeper connection rn and ofc my own needs are my responsibility and i have to consider my difficulty to open up and yadda yadda yes but i've hung out a total amount of three times w these same ppl and omg why are we always playing mario party. i'm so sick of mario party. and it's not even the game's fault, it's just that it's their favourite thing and they never bothered to teach me fairly what the game was, first time we played they threw me in w not even base knowledge of what i'm supposed to do and ofc i was losing and very confused anyway wow this isn't making sense

but ykno what i'm gonna talk shit abt mario party for a second. fuck this game. i won last night's round with 3 stars and there was nothing gratifying abt it. it's largely a game abt luck bc i SUCK at the minigames but every dice roll of mine is blessed by the gods. ykno what's a game that i like and haven't ever gotten the chance to play? scrabble. i'd love to play scrabble. get me crossfaded and start a game of scrabble now THAT will bring me joy.

but also maybe i should just. stop getting crossfaded. i don't think i'm made for that. i can get a lil tipsy and a lil high, but both at once is a 100% guarantee that i'll feel like shit the next day. emotionally, i mean. like rn. i'm not in a good mood and i wanted to stay in bed forever. i'm finishing a pint of ice cream in one sitting and just because it's non-dairy i'm rly unhappy w it. as someone who's prone to depressive moods it just seems glaringly obvious that getting high and drunk isn't, like, the ideal combination for me. OR. or. maybe the issue isn't necessarily the mixed comsumption, but the fact that i'm in this vulnerable state in, um, not to be unkind but... subpar company.

like i have a feeling that if i were crossfaded at home, headphones on listening to my stupid videogame soundtrack playlist, volume cranked up to hell, eating poutine... that'd be good. or watching a thriller w my sister while we're both shitfaced. or i'm tipsy w my sober friends and we're watching a movie of their choice. idk. i think that'd be fun. but these ppl... idkkkk there's smth abt being in their company that makes me moody like I'll be staring in the distance thinking to myself "i wish i was on a walk rn" like a damn dog lmaooo

in conclusion: 1) sometimes my version of fun and someone else's don't match. it's no fault of theirs or mine. i just have to learn to communicate it. 2) i should find out what exactly IS my version of fun and how to make it happen instead of going w the crowd lest i become an unbearably passive aggressive big baby

3) i can drink a lil. i can get high a lil. i probably shouldn't do both.

4) whether i consume or not, i should do it in Good Company always. nothing less than Good, not even Okay. turns out that intoxication doesn't necessarily make things more fun.

5) almond ice cream can't and will never compare to dairy. read the label next time

[funkymbtifiction]

Thanks for answering my ask the other day! Today I'm curious: as one yourself, why do you think 6 is the most common type for ENFPs? Besides, I guess, the obvious fact that an Ne-dom can very easily see all the scary possibilities. I guess it surprises me that the upbeat, excitable ENFPs struggle so much with fear/insecurity, and that the Te-esque nature of a 6 doesn't lean them more toward a thinking type.

7w6 is the most common type for ENFP followed by 9w1 or 6w7.

BUT... having a lack of faith in oneself and wanting something to ‘hold onto’ in order to feel secure could stem from being a Ne-dom, because there’s so much information to sort through each day without any filter, a tendency to be naively trusting of others due to the idealism of an ENFP (assuming everyone’s intentions are as pure as yours), and a total sense of feeling ‘out of my depth’ when trying to figure out how to navigate the real and not the abstract world. IE, dealing with such mundane things as spacial awareness or driving that sensors just... go out and learn to do whereas ENPs must ‘learn’ it -- rather tediously due to inferior Si, which is prone to forgetting important details, so I could see why that might trigger a child into self-doubt, when other people (sensor kids) are so much better at everything they struggle to learn to do with their hands.

In me, being a 6 and a Ne-dom creates a bipolar swing between optimism and idealism (Ne) combined by self-doubt and mistrust of others (6); on any given day I can go from being convinced of someone’s evil intentions to doubting my own conclusion (recognizing my tendency to fearfully project intentions onto others) and then self-chastising for thinking badly of them, because I SHOULD give most people the benefit of the doubt, which is what my Ne wants -- not to rush into premature offense or judgment but just... wait for more evidence and let it stack up normally to tell me what kind of a person they are. Being an ENP 6, I am also nothing like the stereotypical ‘prepare far ahead’ 6s you read about. I have enough food for a few weeks but no more. I’m not hoarding. I am not stocking up on 6 months’ worth of food, because despite my occasional “ugh, this will never end” 6ish depressive moments, my big picture thinking knows we can’t economically sustain this, and sooner or later businesses will reopen and people go to work. If I can’t find my favorite brand of soup for 6 months... well, that’ll be a bummer but I can eat something else.

I have noticed that I am only not like other ENFPs in the sense that I am not as quick to put myself at risk. I am interested in things, very excited by abstract potential, and quick to tackle mental projects -- but I’m not about to hop on a plane or get in the car and go off on an adventure without a plan. *shrug*

- ENFP Mod

[master-sass-blast]

Henlo, it's me, your local trash monster here to say I love Hannah and I can't wait to hear more about her?? That being said, GIMME ALL THE SAD GOODS ABOUT HER. But also add in something happy about her in the end! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ ((Also sending hugs! I know things have been stressful the last few days so just know I'm rooting for you !!))

Holy fuck I think this is the first time someone’s ever told me to cut loose and just SAY ALL THE THINGS AND I’M SO EXCITED!!!! :D

(Answers under the cut because I just went with the entire list. I have no self control.

And thank you for the hugs and encouragement!)

1. What is one word to shut them up: Okay, for some context, Hannah is a lawyer. She has a thick skin (unlike me, heyoooo). It takes a lot to shut her up; she’s an HBIC and she owns it.

But if someone starts talking about her scars (she’s struggled/struggles with self-harm), she shuts down. It’s a part of her she’s still self-conscious about, and if someone mentions it she’ll literally stop mid-sentence and mentally exit the conversation.

2. What is the thing they feel the most guilty about: Again, she’s got a pretty thick skin, so she doesn’t hold onto too much. Life happens, you make mistakes, and it’s better to learn from them rather than beat yourself over the head for something you can’t change anyway.

If there’s something she’s going to feel guilty about, though, it’s fights or incidents she’s had with family members/close friends where she’s hurt them with something she’s said or done. She holds herself in high accountability to ensure that she doesn’t step all over people, and when she does she fails not only them but her expectations for herself, so yeah. Guilt.

3. What is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced: Physical pain? Probably different injuries from her career in martial arts. She’s a tough cookie, but some of that stuff just hurts.

Emotional pain? Anytime she fails her expectations for herself. She has very high standards for herself, and when she can’t reach them she becomes very depressed (more so than usual).

4. Describe their worst nightmare: Actual dream? Anything where she’s drowning or running out of air. She almost drowned a couple times as a child/preteen, and the trauma still emerges in her adult life from time to time.

Real life “this is a nightmare” scenario? Any point where her depression gets so bad that she stops being functional. Things just start piling up and get overwhelming very quickly.

5. List 3 fears; one “surface level” fear, one “repressed” fear, and one “deep dark” fear: 1.) Drowning, which runs pretty deep but it’s an obvious one that she’s done a lot of therapy work for, and she doesn’t mind talking about it with other people. 2.) Wasps. She accidentally got locked into a shed with an active wasp nest in it as a child. She made it out alright, but the sheer terror of the situation made her repress the memory. She’s heard the story from friends and family, and “gets” why she’s scared of the fuckers, but can’t actually recall the incident itself. 3.) The dark. A side effect of depression is paranoia, and when she’s alone, in the dark, she can’t shake the feeling that there’s some sort of creature watching/following her. When her depression gets really bad, she has to sleep with a light on to keep from flipping out.

6. What is something that never fails to make them feel sick: She’s not naturally squeamish, but the sounds of belching (ala college frat boys, y’all know what I mean) make her stomach churn.

7. What feature (physical or otherwise) do they hate most about themselves: Her scars. She’s very ashamed of them, and goes out of her way to wear long sleeved shirts so she can hide them.

8. Do they have anything that triggers them: Feeling like she’s failed her own expectations/expectations others have of her, accidentally inhaling water, the ‘buzzing’ sound bees/wasps make.

9. What is their greatest physical weakness: Her height. She might be a kickass lawyer and an even kick-assier martial artist, but she barely clears five feet.

10. What is their greatest mental weakness: Her struggles with self-hatred. She’s her own worst enemy a lot of the time.

11. Do they have any vices: Not really. Not as far as serious vices go. She’s pretty grounded.

12. Have they ever done something illegal? What was it: Nope. She knew she wanted to be a lawyer from day one and made sure her record was spotless.

13. Which of the 7 Deadly Sins best describes them: Pride? I think that one comes closest? Again, since she really doesn’t have a vice or a thorn in her side, it’s hard to pick something for her.

I think Pride comes closest because she spirals when she fails to live up to her own expectations, which I think often comes with a bit of ego (at least in my experience with that sort of thing). She’s also got a lot to be proud of (lawyer, martial artist, financially independent), but she’s not a walking ego either?

Idk. This is a weird question, lol.

14. Are they prone to outbursts (of violence, extreme emotion… exc… ): Not really. Don’t get me wrong, she can get there, but it takes a lot. She’s very collected (and usually swings the opposite way; she’s more likely to cold shoulder you if she’s mad).

She does threaten to shove her Prada stiletto sideways up Hank Pym’s ass, though. So there’s that.

15. Who do they hate the most: Guys who use her height against her by cornering her into spots while they try to ask her out/talk to her about something. It’s the fastest way to wind up on her shit list.

16. Is there anyone who makes them feel inferior: Herself. She’s her own worst enemy.

17. What sound always gives them a headache: Her coworker Tracey’s text/notification sound. Which is always going off because Tracey’s always talking to someone.

18. Is there a certain flavor that disgusts them: Not really. She’s half Japanese, half ethnic Jew, and a practicing Jew to boot, so she grew up on a pretty broad flavor palette.

She’s tried a bacon cheeseburger once on a dare, though, and she hated it.

19. Do they consider themselves ugly: Not really (outside of her scars). She’s pretty confident in her appearance.

20. Do they consider themselves unloveable: Again, not really. She’s spent a lot of time in therapy, which helps, but she’s always had her feet pretty well on the ground.

21. What is something that causes them great anxiety: The prospect of losing. She’s very competitive.

22. Do they have any mental illnesses: Depression.

23. Have they ever been assaulted/abused/raped: She’s run into the usual guys that like to try and use her size against her, but they usually wind up worse for wear than she does.

24. Do they fear the possibility of being assaulted/abused/raped: Yes. She’s five feet tall and doesn’t clear 110 lbs. She’s very aware that she’s got “TARGET” written across her back.

25. Have they ever been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust: Fortunately, no. Most of her close relationships come from communities she knows well (school, work, the temple she attends in LA), so she hasn’t had to deal with too much betrayal.

26. Have they ever been seriously injured: Yes. Even outside of her struggles with self-harm, she’s a martial artist. She’s broken a few bones over the years from that.

27. How many times have they been in the hospital: Five. Three for some pretty drastic self harm incidents, and two from sparring injuries.

28. Is there a certain type of person that disgusts them: Obviously, she has frustrations with asshole guys, racists/anti-Semites, but she cannot stand people who work in organizations that prey on the disenfranchised (ala military recruiters going to schools in impoverished areas to fill their quota because they know how to trick the kids into trying out and all that). It gets her blood boiling fast.

29. Does what they cannot see scare them: Yes. Again, this shows perfectly with her fear of the dark.

30. Have they ever been bullied: Yupp. For her heritage, her beliefs, her mental health struggles, her size... High school sucks.

31. Do they have self-confidence or self-image issues: Yes and no. Again, she’s pretty confident about most things in life, but she does have certain weak points (her scars, living up to her own expectations, her height).

32. Do they have a bad relationship with their parents: Actually, no! She has a good relationship with both her parents and her extended family!

33. Have they ever been in a relationship that didn’t work out so well: Not in the drastic sense of things. She’s been through a few break ups, sure, but nothing that was abusive or crazy.

34. Have they ever self harmed: Yes. It’s something she still struggles with as an adult.

35. If they could change one thing about themselves, what would it be: Her scars. She’d make them disappear.

36. Are they in control of their emotions, or are their emotions in control of them: She’s pretty well in control of her emotions.

37. Have they ever had their freedom taken away: Not really, no.

38. Have they ever been imprisoned: Nope.

39. Have they ever been accused of something they didn’t do: Not in any serious sense. Her reputation for toeing the line was too well known for her to be accused of something she didn’t do.

40. Do they often blame themselves for other people’s problems: She did as a teenager, but dutiful therapy and self-care has helped her outgrow that habit.

41. Do they get sick often: Nope! She’s pretty healthy.

42. Are they comfortable with where they are in life: She’s content, but not complacent.

43. Do they wish that they could change their pasts: Yes. Again, she doesn’t like her history with self-harm. If she could erase that, she would.

44. What’s one thing they wish they could do more often, but can’t: Travel. Her job’s pretty demanding as far as hours go.

45. What is the emotion they most commonly experience: Melancholy. No matter what she’s doing, it’s sort of always hanging around her, like a tiny cloud.

46. Have they ever contemplated suicide: Yes. Unfortunately, it’s a side effect of the depression.

47. Have they ever gone so far as to attempt suicide: A couple of times, when she was teenager.

48. Is there anyone that they would willingly kill: Outside of self-defense/the defense of others? No.

49. If [name] was put into ______ situation, they’d rather die than live to see it through: Being forced to reject her identities as a Jew/person of Japanese heritage. Her families have made it through so much (internment camps, persecution, the Holocaust), and she’d rather die than erase her own identity.

50. Create your own: Alright, I’m gonna put the happy one here so we end on a high note!

She’s a firm believer in the need for “mah” (the Japanese word for “emptiness), or a moment to pause and do nothing. It’s easy to see that reflected in how she practices meditation, follows Shabbat, or takes time each day to simply be.

However, she also believes that the principle of “mah” is what makes her and Luis work so well as a couple. She is the silence to his constant chatter and helps him keep his feet on the ground. Likewise, he keeps her from living inside her head and helps her connect to the world.

They’re just such opposites attract. Ugh, I love them so much!

[sapphirescales]

LILY!!! do you have skincare tips? i've got oily skin and i'm looking for things i can do when my Depression makes it hard to maintain a routine :(

UMMMM well idk like,,, my skin isnt all that great either esp when The Stress hits but i’ll jot down some stuff tht i can think of, but i’ll preface it w my skin is combination skin -- i’ve got a rly oily t-zone and then the rest of my face (esp my cheeks) are a little dry so i guess my skin tends to be more oily than anything, and my skin is SUPER SENSITIVE, but anyway

for facewashes and face creams: use gel stuff instead of foam or cream stuff! i switched my foam cleanser for a gel cleanser, and my moisturiser cream for a moisturiser gel and it helped so much. gel stuff tends to be a lil bit more expensive but it’s worth it imho. also try and get stuff which are parabens-free, bc stuff w parabens in it usually makes my acne go Mad. some stuff i’ve used/stuff i know about: sugar’s cucumber face wash gel, clinelle’s hydracalm facewash gel & hydracalm moisturiser, st ives’ green tea cleanser, origins’ make a difference plus+ rejuvenating cream (a gel moisturiser & a lil high-end aka super pricet), the face shop’s jeju aloe gel (there’s a huge tub sold here for like rm22 something something and honestly aloe gel is so cooling and soothing). i’ve also heard some really great stuff about origins’ oil cleanser (and oil cleansers in general) but i haven’t used it personally.

get urself a good toner! again, try and stay away from parabens-containing products but investing in a good toner will help your products sink in better and also help with regards to oil control. i’m using origins’ mega-bright skin illuminating treatment lotion, from their dr andrew weil line, and idk of many toners that are parabens free, so if you know any feel free 2 add to the comments i guess

your diet tends to reflect on your face. i dont eat v healthy tbh but i find that if i take a lot of dairy products, my acne tends to get worse. try and see if there are similar food products for you -- i know my cousins have issues with lots of processed food. not to say Cut It Out Entirely but reducing/cutting back can really help. my skin is also v v oily if i don’t drink enough water and get in enough greens, so i try to do that as often as i can. keep some water next to where you’re working or using your laptop, use a cool mason jar or water bottle or sippy cup or WHATEVER tbh as long as it makes you actually drink water and keep yourself hydrated

use a nice scrub or an alternative to a scrub: i use st ives’ green tea scrub (which is also parabens free and v affordable imo) and i also bought a tiny lil silicone sponge from watson’s which is like rm22 or something? and i use that with my gel cleanser. but the goal is to really gently exfoliate your skin without irritating it or drying it out. bc the sponge is made of silicone, it lasts FOREVER as well and you’ll see a difference in the texture of your skin in no time. making sure less dead cells are on your skin also helps w my oil production idk why??? but it Does so sdlfkj

face care with make-up is so, so important. use a primer or a pore filler before you put on make-up -- not only will it help your make-up stay on for longer but it also stops make-up getting INTO your pores and making your skin situation worse. afterwards, i usually wipe off my make-up with a (i know u guys are sick of this by now) parabens-free or a really gentle make-up wipe (like one from simple), and then i go back in with micellar water or baby oil in order to really clear out my pores. i use a quick scrub, tone and moisturise. wearing make-up often makes my skin oilier sometimes bc my make-up (which is mattifying bc oily t-zone) dries my skin out and then makes it overproduce oil again later, so if i don’t gotta use make-up, i try not to / minimise how much make-up i use (e.g. just using it for under-eye concealing or concealing acne scars/major acne)

on that note, if you don’t gotta use a cleanser, don’t? like i know most ppl are gonna scream but honestly if you were just at home all day and didn’t go anywhere or do anything to your skin, just splash on some micellar water to clear off the products off your skin from the day before/last night and you’re going to be fine??? super easy, zero fuss.

also, if youre wearing make-up, and youve got oily skin/oily areas, youre gonna have to be a lil aware sometimes and like. dab at your face w a sponge or a tissue v gently to wipe off the oil. setting your face with a powder really helps, and you don’t ACTUALLY need to put the same amount of make-up and foundation over your whole face. so, for e.g., my nose doesn’t need as much coverage and its Super Oily, so i don’t apply as much product there compared to like my forehead or my cheeks (where my acne scarring is most prominent), which really helps. if you have a good foundation and powder that closely matches your skintone and your undertone, you can probably get away w this a lot easier. 

CHANGE YOUR MAKE-UP BRUSHES AND SPONGES OFTEN! like please. PLEASE. i know we all Love to build up and are Lazy As Hell but then maybe invest in some disposable sponges or something bc for the sake of hygiene. please.

USE SUNSCREEN. idc if youre lightskinned or darkskinned, USE SUNSCREEN. even if youre medium-dark skinned, youre not gonna be immune to skin cancer. harsh sunlight also makes your skintone uneven and usually makes my skin overproduce oil. i really like biore’s sunscream stuff bc it’s very light, there’s a non-scented option and it also doubles as a make-up base (they have a few so you gotta have a look through). 

FACE MASKS! i also struggle w The Depression and its really tough for me to maintain an immaculate skincare routine, so rather than investing in like 16 tubs of facemasks i have 1 tube of clay mask (mine is from origins bc i bought this a Long While Ago while i still had money, but any clay mask is good!) and then i bought a WHOLE BUNCH of sheet face masks from the face shop because ... you guessed it ... they’re parabens free! and super cheap! using a hot compress before the mask helps bc your pores open up! i usually make myself a nice mug of tea and switch my a/c on and then slap that facemask on and do some replies. but try and do a facemask at least once every two weeks. i use mine once a week to once every two weeks, depending on how bad my depression is. target the facemask you choose to the particular problems your skin has; mine are usually hydrating facemasks (bc hydration!!! and really hydrating your skin goes a LONG WAY wrt to oil control) but i also have a few firming and brightening ones bc my skin can feel a little dull sometimes. ALSO, clay masks get a Lot Of Shit so i’m gonna just tell you quickly -- YES, they do make your skin break out the first few times you use it, but over time, it will REALLY HELP trust me! your pores? minimised. your skin? clear and glowing. your oil? controlled. if your skin is super sensitive and does not react well to store-bought masks, feel free to make some of your own natural ones! i really love making a maduka honey mask -- if you add sugar to it, it becomes a mask that also doubles as a scrub. a natural yoghurt mask is also a BLESSING and adding some oats to it also makes it double as a scrub. you could use natural aloe or use tomatoes and throw some sugar in them. PLEASE DON’T USE COCONUT OIL AS A MASK IT WILL CLOG YOUR PORES!!! don’t use masks that hurt bc you peel them etc because i always find tht it makes my skin immediately produce way more oil than it needs to compensate or smth lmao so NO to charcoal masks and stuff like that.

try and use something different for day and night. super tough esp if youre (like me) super lazy to do shit but during the day, i usually use an aloe vera gel moisturiser and, at night, i use bio oil to hydrate, minimise pores and also help with acne scarring, and tea tree oil gel to target acne-prone areas on my face and help combat acne before it starts up. find something that works for you!!!

a lot of skincare is trial and error, trying to find what works for YOU personally might not be something that works for others; i rarely get cystic acne, for example, so my skincare routine doesn’t really target that and so some parts might not work as well for people who do have cystic acne (esp since i often hear that clay masks really fuck up ppl who have cystic acne which makes sense bc in the beginning clay masks make acne worse before it gets better). try some stuff out and see what works for you after a month or so of a trial period.

skincare takes time! i don’t mean in the obvious way like you need to take time out of your day to do stuff, but i mean, it takes TIME for the results to show. you’ll have to do stuff now bc it’ll pay off later. it’ll be rough when you’re trying new stuff in the beginning but it might work out for you over a longer period of time. don’t switch products and stuff TOO OFTEN bc it’ll screw up your skin more.

it’s okay if you miss things or don’t do your routine every single day or just Can’t. it’s okay. it’s just skin care, and skipping a day or two won’t really make A Huge Difference. you can continue tomorrow. 

i hope some of this helps? idk this is just what’s worked for me over the years but yeah. feel free 2 add comments as necessary. :*

[typologyindex]

oh hey i saw you tag one of my posts saying i was ennea 1? i'm not balls deep into ennea but i thought i was like, 4w3. and tbh i got ticked off being typed as something else by a stranger, but after looking into it i can see what you meant. i just never scored much on tests in 1 so i guess i never considered it. man, i'm really confused now. so basically, i'm asking for your advice on where i should go from here now in regards to learning my actual ennea type?

i would do some reflection on your real motives in situations. 4 motive: find what’s missing. 1 motive: fix what’s wrong. similar concepts that produce two totally different kinds of people. the idea behind 1 is that the ideal is already accessible to me through my mind/instincts/superego and i have to have enough willpower and consistency to enact it. the idea behind 4 is that what i need is missing from me and i have to find it out there or inside or wait for it to show up somehow. for 1 it’s an issue of taking action to be a good person, for 4 an issue of an intangible substance of personhood that is real. 4s don’t feel like real people so they build an identity around being more self-aware or otherwise different than other people. 1s build an identity around being better than other people and this can look similar, especially since most 1s are self-aware enough not to brag about it and so it takes a more self-deprecating, subtle, or passive-aggressive turn. both 1s and 4s (ESPECIALLY when sx-first) can have a lot of anger, be anti-authoritarian, spiteful, whatever else might have been coming across in your post… (which, by the way, i agree with, so don’t take that evaluation negatively). 1s disintegrate to 4 and can come across as edgier-than-thou/tougher-than-thou/more realistic-than-thou in their political/social approaches or display a lot of envy because of that. i’m a 4 and i do that but at the end of the day i spend a lot more time ruminating on my inner psychodrama and artistic realization and other assorted subjective shit than any sort of objective framework for how people should interact and directly approach social issues, which is what distinguishes me from a core 1, who is going to put a lot of time and thought into making real choices in the real world and their blog content is likely going to reflect that, which yours does, and also displays more anger at the actions of others than obvious self-contempt or self-deprecation. core 1′s self-contempt is hidden behind their anger towards others; core 4 wants to be seen as self-contemptuous.

you can google a lot of comparisons between a 1 and a 4 but i think the most important and easy to identify are these:

1s are very much in their body and seek direct action in the moment as an expression of feelings/values. 4s feel chronically dissociated from the moment and from their own bodies and agency, as if they literally aren’t real people, or are less real than others.

1s experience shame over their actions and their shame feeds their anger. shame motivates them into action and behavior change. 4s experience shame existentially and it depresses them and motivates them to withdraw rather than correct themselves or others. 1s are looking to avoid feelings of shame through the right behaviors; 4s experience their shame as justified no matter what their behaviors are.

1s naturally have a much larger capacity for self-control and self-moderation than 4s. they may not experience themselves as having a lot of self-control because they tend to see their own flaws but behaviorally, they tend to be more self-controlled than most people regardless of instinct.

similar to the above, 1s have a fine eye for detail and notice things, especially shortcomings, in their environment, and their creativity is primarily wired to address these shortcomings. while 1s can be very creative, 4s are absent-minded and their creativity is unrestrained, prone to fantasies and grandiose visions that they are usually not motivated enough to realize.

1s experience guilt over acting out their instincts (aggressive and/or sexual if applicable) and avoid being ruled by their instincts. i’ve never met a 4 that felt guilty about engaging in sex or aggressive behavior (even if they were raised to feel guilty about it) but i have met 4s that felt things like sex, competition, etc weren’t deep or meaningful. 1s tend to have stronger physical instincts, which is possibly why they’re scared of being controlled by them. this works somewhat differently with sx 1, which is why…

i would also look into the specific Beatrice Chestnut desciptions of sx 1 and sp 4, as those are prone to mistyping as the other type respectively if they haven’t read the subtype description.

you might also want to look at the types you scored high on other than 4 - you’re not necessarily either a 4 or a 1. i see no reason why you couldn’t be an 8, for example.

[eds-zebra-warrior]

Ehlers Danlos Society Awareness Month (Day 31 Community)

Not all health conditions have what they call a community or a group of others with the same condition coming together as a group to be with, support and help one another. Let's be honest, most conditions don't need a community. There's a lot of conditions that are very cut and dry and easy to understand. There's a group on Facebook for everything but I can tell you right now there's not going to be a ton of people in a Hemorrhoid support group. The EDS group is a very close knit group with much value and importance to those who are part of it and I'll be explaining some of those reasons.

Of course one of the most obvious with having a rare disease is to be able to meet someone like you. To know others exist and to share similar experiences with. You know you can always find someone there that truly understands what you're going through having a condition so disabling you tend to lose most, if not all of your friends, some even lose family. Rather it be due to lack of understanding, lack of belief, fear, or any other list of reasons it seems to happen to all of us. So this is a way to make friends just like us. Friends that won't resent us for the physical abilities we have lost or the lifestyle changes placed on us by this syndrome.

Another reason is well because it's rare. It's surprisingly difficult to find any good information about EDS on the internet when you first get diagnosed unless you know where to look. In addition to this being a condition that lacks studies and research it's also extremely complex. In fact before being diagnosed, even with going to nursing school, I had no idea something this complex existed. If you are ever trying to find reliable information about a specific aspect of EDS it may be really hard to find, especially if the topic you're looking for is very specific. You can go into groups. A lot of individuals have certain documents bookmarked or saved in a word document or spreadsheet and can lead you in the right direction. If we can't find a study done in something we can also use support groups to do our own informal studies. Just simply create a pole and let everyone chime in. Before you know it, if posted in a larger group you'll go check out your pole and may have two or three hundred answers to your question.

Next, with EDS pretty much any body structure is a free game which means lots and lots of comorbidities. A good number of comorbidities are common amongst us which means we always have someone to relate to and ask questions to. In addition to this you can expand your groups to include groups for people with those comorbidities further extending your knowledge and possibility of friends. Most doctors don't know anything about these conditions so that leaves it to us to learn everything there is to know about it. When you finally think you have read everything there is on the web, others read thousands of sites or journals you haven't come across and ones you have read they didn't know existed so it's all about learning together and having people who understand.

Being a condition that is so very painful and severely affects sleep as well as causing many of us great depression and guilt for what we've lost and the deterioration our body has been through as well as the feeling of loss. We feel guilty for everything we put out families through, for needing help, for canceling plans and letting people down. Not only as if what we once were has already passed away but also the loss of friends, many times every single one we had before this illness and sometimes family members. We grieve the loss and are angry to learn that people we thought were our best friends and would never leave disappointed in us like a used paper plate. This is also the time it dawns on us how many of these people used us when we were healthy to provide them with things we need. Most of us have OCD or are on the high functioning side of the Autism Spectrum so tend to take responsibility and do things right, including not letting down our friends and family very seriously. Most of us thrive on routine and rules and chronic illness often gets to a point that a lot of this is no longer possible forcing us to make decisions last minute, change them or cancel them last minute, not be able to complete things by a time we have set for ourselves etc and that's really hard. It's helpful to know others who are or have been going through the same thing and to know you're not alone, not the one letting yourself and others down and to be told it's okay and it's not our fault.

The majority of us also have Medical Trauma Induced Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We spent years of our lives rather you're lucky and got diagnosis in two years or ate 70 and have spent the last 55 years actively seeking a diagnosis we all have to fight for one, to see doctor after doctor and oftentimes the worst part of it all, be miss diagnosed with psychiatric disorders such as anxiety and Conversion Disorders. These are extremely dangerous and life threatening diagnosis for us because it essentially closes the door on even looking for a cause of what is going wrong with us. Conversion Disorder is a Diagnosis given after all other conditions have been ruled out the problem is, doctors use it as a crutch to not have to deal with us. We are also superstars, especially in the beginning at having beautiful results when it comes to basic blood tests such as a CBC. The problem is, again, doctors are known to cut corners because they like the majority of mankind are lazy creatures who tend to want to just get the job done. It doesn't matter if it's thoroughly done and done with utmost care to put as much effort into it as they can, it's just done and to them done is good enough so they do the common tests and call it done, close the book and slap a label of conversion disorder on us that follows us around for life for every other doctor to use as an excuse to say they are done too. It takes years to find a doctor who is in it for the better of the patient; one who is up for a challenge; one who is willing to do more testing and testing that is more advanced and most importantly, a doctor who believes us and is willing to go the extra mile. It's when these less common tests like a Tilt Table Study, Gastric Emptying Study, Urodynamics Testing, Upright MRIs instead of doing them in the prone position, Sweat Testing, a Sitzmark Colon Transit Time Study, a 24 hour urine test to measure histamine levels, skin biopsies and ultimately EDS Testing via either the Brighton score system along with a through study of the body and some questions used to determine a positive or negative diagnosis or Genetic Testing to determine a type of EDS that has a genetic mutation that has been discovered. Not all forms of EDS have had their genetic mutation discovered yet which is why the other study is so important. There are more tests that can be utalkzss than the ones mentioned but as you can see, none of these are tests that are done on a routine basis and a lot of doctors don't want to deal with them slapping the psychological, "all in our head" diagnosis on us prematurely.

This results in us without a diagnosis for what we have going on with our body. When this happens we aren't receiving treatment for the symptoms we are experiencing allowing them to escalate. To make things worse we are often given the wrong treatments, handed antipsychotic medications that cause even more adverse symptoms and don't work. When they don't work the doses are increased higher and higher resulting in more to go wrong with our bodies. This also closes the door to treatment causing doctors and hospitals to dismiss life threatening issues, sending us home when we are actually so sick we should be in the ICU. I myself was declared clinically dead at least 10 times before my diagnosis, four because my heart stopped and I went into cardiac arrest and the rest because my blood pressure would drop below 60/20 which in the medical field is a pressure that is considered legally dead. With all but one of these I was sent home within an hour to a few hours of it happening simply told that was weird and sent home on paperwork for Conversion Disorder, Hypochondriasis, or some other psychosomatic disorder and is I was lucky this would sent me discharging me with a diagnosis of low blood pressure and that was that. One of my codes my mom was in the room, thank God for her. When I code no one came. My mom went running down the hall begging for help pleading for a nurse to help because no one was running to my room. The nurse told her I'm probably faking it and just pulled my leads off and told my mom just to ignore me because people like me feed on attention. My mom ran back to the room and thank God had some medical training as a girl scout leader because she had to take first aid and CPR. My mom brought me back. The nurse walked in right after and checked my wires. They are still in place. My state as well as several others protect their medical personnel against malpractice suits so there was nothing we could do. I've been sent home with gastric ischemia which is a life threatening condition where the blood pressure increases to dangerous levels in the intestines. It can cause the pressures to get so high it bursts and dissects blood vessels in the intestines causing a person to bleed to death. I was sent home with a diagnosis of General Psychosis and Anorexia as well as treated for anemia and vitamin deficiency. They blamed it on anorexia, not the fact I physically couldn't eat and was having bowel movements that were nothing but pure blood that everyone. Refused to look at. I had an allergic reaction so bad it almost killed me and was sent home diagnosed with conversion disorder and sent to my doctor who wanted me in ICU but upon refusal from the hospital to see me again even with my vitals so poor my doctor had to take care of me basically sending me home with what I called a take home hospital and working with my mom over the phone to take care of me available all hours of the night. I had a nurse try to give me 50 times the dose of this same medication that caused this. Been sent home with intestinal blockages, hernias, extreme dehydration, a UTI after they said the results came back negative only to get them in the mail a week later to see they were positive and by that time my UTI was so severe I had a kidney infection and was in kidney failure. I've sat there days and nights in a hospital bed where nurses refuse to answer my call light saying I have a conversion. Disorder, don't need to be there and I'm wasting their time and resources taking up a bed for someone who is really sick and that they won't be coming anymore the rest of the night not knowing I was one of the sickest ones on the ward and just misdiagnosed. I've had nurses rip IVs out of my arm, ya know how they push you to your car when you're released? There are a lot of times they pull my IV, tell me I'm not sick anyway and can do it myself having to take multiple trips to get my personal belongings out of my room. When I lost the ability to walk I had multiple doctors tell me I could and would pick me up, put my feet on the ground and the. Let go of

dropping me on the floor. This happened a lot at OSU with their doctors. Again and again dropping me and seeing I didn't have that natural response to catch myself and went straight into the hard tile floor with my fragile and damaged connective tissue would they say hmm. You really can't walk then send another doctor in who would do the exact same thing. I got picked up and dropped four times by four different neurologists just in the first week of being paralyzed and it's happened time and time again after that at other neurology appointments. I could go on and on. This is the stuff a lot of us go through. It's extremely common with EDS, most of us have complex PTSD.

Most of us have an extreme fear of going to the hospital because that's when we are at our worst and at the same time, a time we get treated worse than anywhere else about our chronic illness. We go in knowing it's a game of Russian Roulette with a really high chance we will be sent home sicker than I came in. Worst of all, there's no way to treat our PTSD because it had to be treated by a doctor, the people we have the least trust in. Not only that but the cruel mistreatment never ends. Every hospital visit. I have had good nurses before but I have never gone to the hospital once where I can say everyone was good. I hear a lot of healthy individuals say endless good things about the hospital staff they had or they have some reason they have to go. When you have a rare invisible illness like EDS we aren't given that same care. The appalling lack of medical care never ends therefore it's impossible to even treat our PTSD. It's not like someone in the military who is in a war and when the war is over, it's done, they never have it go back and can get treatment and start to heal. It's like having to live the rest of their lives in that war as a POW who has been captured and imprisoned by the enemy and every time they get out they are found and imprisoned by another enemy and another enemy and then going to see a psychologist who happens for this only to find out the psychologist is one of those enemies from the other side who captures and holds others line you as POWs yet wants to try to help you get over everything that has happened to you even though you're still occasionally been tending by someone else and beat up before getting away again. Seeing a psychologist for us just doesn't work. We have no trust in the medical field and the gross mistreatment and lack of care is never ending. The EDS community can relate to this when one else can. While the healthy people we know, the people we grew up with, who became nurses and doctors themselves get mad telling us those doctors and nurses are heroes, they can do no wrong. That stuff doesn't happen, they are made up of the most caring and compassionate individuals. Those in our community and other rare or invisible disease communities know that degree of mistreatment all too well. We know the truth about the medical field.

We know they are no different than any other company. Identical to the people making minimum wage in a more trivial position such as a greater at a retail store. There are the good ones who take their job very seriously and want to do their job to the best of their ability truly valuing hard work and are highly motivated individuals but most people at a job are just working because they have to. They have bills but if they were multimillionaires there's no way they would be there now. They want to get the job done and go home. It doesn't matter how they get it done, it's just got to be done. These are quantity over quality people. They take working smarter not harder totally wrong, defining it in their mind as taking any short cut necessary to get it done. Ya know how at most jobs they would have, for example, 50 people but there are three of them that seem to pull all the weight. The three everyone thinks takes things too seriously because they hardly leave their desk or station. They don't take the time to walk around socializing and joking around with their peers. When things get behind they are the ones who stress and work really hard to get things caught up where others say I'm not getting paid any more, I'm not going to bend over backwards and stress about if they aren't paying me more. The three people first to volunteer for overtime and the least to grumble of the boss asks them to stay over another 15 minutes to finish something while on the other days a boss May say that if you get your work done you can go hike and everyone rushed to gst the job done to get out the door while those three are left sitting there at their desks to get the job done right whole also correcting others work that was hastily submitted so they could go home or start the weekend early. Just because someone is in the medical field doesn't make them any different from those who hold other jobs. If most of them won five million dollars they would be out of there. Forget the two weeks notice, heck they don't have to work anymore. Someone else can take their patients. If they're told its slow and they can go home when all the patients are out then one more comes walking in the door as they are packing up their stuff there are a lot if doctors will look to the people who are still working and say hey, I'm about to head out of here, do you mind taking this last Patient? It's human nature.

As generations have gone on more and more people are lazy and the medical field is no exception. When you're chronically ill and have spent a lot of time in the hospital it gets really easy to spot those three people. The ones who if they were multimillionaires may cut back their hours but would never dream of leaving their job because their job means more than money to them. They take great pride in making people better, getting them diagnosed, saving lives and they can't see life another way. Those are the good ones. The good ones line any other job. They are far and few, they pull all of the weight, are walked on by other staff members, their managers usually fail to see their accomplishments as they don't spend a lot of time just hanging out with workers at a patient's expense. They are the ones who will advocate and fight for their patients to all ends but like any other job, maybe five percent or one percent or any other single digit percentage of the employees are these people so EDS patients my get one person on their care team that is amazing, maybe two but will never get a whole care team and it seems like the good ones get more far and few the higher the position. I've had more caring and compassionate house cleaning staff. STNA's, more good STNA's than LPN's, more LPN's seen to be there for the patient then RN's and more RN's. Doctors.

I don't think I've ever had a bad Volunteer at a hospital. The volunteers just love to be there for the patients, to put a smile on their faces and to know they made a difference in our lives. Rather it be to bring us a coloring book and crayons, their Emotional Support Dog around to visit us (which is my favorite) bring us a warm blanket or fill up our water containers. I've had one bring me a card and a flower in a small tube of water. The volunteers are there because they want to be there, not because they have to be there. It seems like the higher the person is on the pay scale the more people are in it for the money. Money talks even if it's at the patient's expense and usually if you have a complicated or invisible illness like EDS you are the expenditure. A community is important to know we aren't alone, to share their experiences, some in the group have become medical advocates and will fight for others in their area who can't get the help they need. These advocates, especially the ones with lots of training are invaluable to the EDS community. They may not be able to fix our problems but it's nice to know there is someone out there who tried. When you're at your worst advocating for yourself is extremely difficult and sometimes impossible and oftentimes our families don't do a lot of research on their own so aren't able to advocate for us so having someone who can is more beneficial than words.

As you can see there are so many different reasons community is important and vital to all of us. Some use it simply as a way to relate or a way to make friends like them after losing the friends they had before their health declined to the extent their healthier friends no longer could relate to them and left. Many are involved in the community to gather information and gain knowledge about their conditions. Support groups are also there to talk, especially with so many who have PTSD. We can't trust a psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist as they are medical professionals and talking to a live person is more fulfilling than writing a journal that no one reads. Sometimes it's as if these individuals, having gone through this themselves, know just want to say and how to help us. Some are there as a medical advocate in their area. Someone who can be there for them in medical situations or even just to give them advice as to what to say to make doctors listen, direct them who to contact if they aren't receiving appropriate care and what to do or ask for from our medical personnel. Some even use these groups to find names of doctors that work with EDS patients or places to go where they may be able to get help or even ideas of what treatments work for others with similar comorbidities. There's even a few groups out there run by people who were medical workers before EDS ravaged their body to an extent that they had to leave the field. It consists of disabled nurses, doctors, radiologists and various specialists. This group works to tell us if we need a second opinion. We can post test results or imaging onto the page and since legally they can't have a diagnosis since they aren't currently working they give what's called a "non expert opinion, telling us what they see or would suspect and if we need to see someone else. I find all of these viral and that's why I see the EDS community as not an invaluable and essential part of my life and wellbeing as an individual with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.