#the more epic the ritual the funnier it is

[wrinklemcdinkle]

guys what if pretzel is gillion’s familiar, like the elders had him cast find familiar as like some test or smth “champion this shall be you companion, to keep the balance of the world, to establish order, to assert yourself as a hero, a force to be reckoned with, a-“

..

“thats a fucking pink frogtopus”

[duckprintspress]

Contributor Spotlights: N. C. Farrell and Era J. M. Couts

Welcome to She Wears the Midnight Crown and He Bears the Cape of Stars, two brand-new anthologies that share a common theme – masquerades – but tell different types of stories – wlw in She Wears the Midnight Crown and mlm in He Bears the Cape of Stars. These collections are the latest titles from Duck Prints Press, the indie publisher founded by fans to publish original works by fan creators, and they’re crowdfunding NOW, only on Seed & Spark!

Curious about the collections? Well, here’s a sneak peek of the works of two of our creators!

She Wears the Midnight Crown Contributor Spotlight: N. C. Farrell

Biography: N. C. Farrell (they/he) grew up in California’s Silicon Valley, where they spent long days hiking the coastal mountains, reading an impressive number of books about dragons (and cats, and spaceships, and magic, etc.), and creating stories with their friends. He moved to Massachusetts for college, where he studied psychology while reading more books (some of which were even for classes!), participating in LARPs, and ensuring that the SF/F club’s student-run convention had a solid schedule. Since graduating, N. C. Farrell has worked in various education-related roles. They currently spend much of their free time reading (more translated webnovels than paper books right now), writing (a lot of fanfic), practicing aikido, playing TTRPGs, and being supervised by a small shadow in the shape of a cat.

Story Title: Eldest Daughter Seeks Her Wife

Teaser:

I couldn’t help but think Bea would want to document this as I mixed milk and honey in my mother’s silver bowl. Bea wanted to document everything; it made her a fantastic journalist while also making any journey we took last twice as long. The photos were worth it, though; Bea’s scrapbooks were tomes of rich memory from our college meeting to graduating together to marriage and the newness of a home of our own.

She took in the whole world, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take her away from it. 

I pricked my finger and squeezed a few drops of blood into the honeyed milk before wrapping a bandage tight around the tiny wound. I didn’t want the fairies having free access to my blood; there were too many things they could do if they touched it outside of my own ritual.

Then I picked up the silver bowl and approached the fairy circle. “I wish you were here to see this,” I whispered to Bea. “You should be the one making history.”

He Bears the Cape of Stars Contributor Spotlight: Era J. M. Couts

Biography: I’ve been a writer for over 20 years.

Well, if I actually think about it carefully, it has probably been longer than that. I do remember writing a story on MS Paint when my age was still single digits. I could have used Word, but Paint was funnier, it let me draw my scenes there too.

So maybe I should rephrase it: I have been a fanfic writer for over 20 years. There, that looks a bit better. I wrote a few originals, too, but those never saw the light of day. They will, eventually.

I like to write about characters and their development. I like to write about feelings and struggles and how complicated life can be even when it looks so simple. I like to write epic love stories that don’t always have a happy ending. But most often they do.

I will, one day, write a dystopian series that I’ve been plotting for over a decade. One day, certainly one day.

Aside from being a writer, I’m a reader, an opinionated mind, an Aries, an immigrant, a coffee lover, and a night owl that has been forced to conform to the social norm of waking up early only to become a “Morgenmuffel.”

I am passionate, energetic, lazy, and sarcastic. I’m a CrazyCatLady in the making, a food lover that cannot cook, the Man™ my grandma wanted me to marry, and a happy soul in my own shoes.

And, above all, I am weird. I am queer. And so damn proud of it.

Links: Archive of Our Own | Tumblr

Story Title: Fragments of Sand

Teaser:

“Do you miss it?” Aoi’s voice was so low Kaveh could barely hear him. The witch’s Mask was old past an age any human should reach, frail as wet paper. They sat together in the belvedere of what had been a castle, eyeing the ruins taken by nature. Kaveh’s Mask – tall, handsome, healthy – contrasted with Aoi’s. He sighed, unsure of what the witch meant but too tired to ask. “Your home.”

“It’s a dark and humid place, devoid of life except from the ones I feed from,” Kaveh shrugged, flexing his hand. The burn in his palm gently fading, pointing to the success of yet another mission. Year 317 of 400, mission no. 3981. “There’s nothing to miss there.”

“I meant the desert,” Aoi said, as though commenting on the blue colour of the sky. Kaveh closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, shook the damn tingle from his blood before staring at the centenarian woman next to him. Aoi gave him a delicate smile. “Your soul smells like the desert. Dusty, dry herbs, and camel breaths. Far older than most of the religions that walk the earth today.”

“Aoi,” Kaveh warned, low and gravelled, a bleeding wound refusing to heal.

“An ancient Bedouin turned vampire…” It wasn’t pity that crawled under Aoi’s broken voice. It was a cold tone of deep sorrow, a relatableness that Kaveh hadn’t encountered before. It was foreign and, in all its passiveness, it pulled strings that Kaveh thought long broken. “Born under the scorching sun only to have it turn into your demise… it must’ve been hard.”

“What’s your point?!” he snapped, glaring at the Mask next to him.

“There’s no point…” Aoi said, soft, delicate, the weight of several lifetimes on his eyes. “I miss home too.”

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[frienderbender]

oh man, my headcanon for melm is that he is constantly low-key falling for people, but he has a hard time differentiating between friend & more-than-friend? so instead he just pushes people’s buttons until he gets some kind of confirmation (or perhaps just punched). i think he & rikki would be playing relationship chicken until maybe one of them gets inebriated enough to admit something, or maybe one of them almost dies on the job & they panic? rikki has all that “if only i’d said/done [x] before i died” regret re: nikki already, so maybe it carries over :’) until then though, i’m sure the rituals would be impossibly intricate, like some next-level bullshit

SAME SAME melm is definitely always falling for people. that’s why i think he was the first to at least Realize he liked rikki like that, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he confesses anything first :’) i have a half finished script somewhere where it’s like basically them drinking and rikki is pretty hammered and he more or less gives a Sort Of confession along the lines of (while holding on to melm) “did i ever tell you that you’re my best friend” and melm just !!!

“relationship chicken” is a perfect way to describe their IVV AU dynamic. exactly.

i do love a good near-death confession LMAO but it’s like so much funnier in this scenario because they can’t really die now? you can’t really have your epic action hero confession when you’re gonna be resurrected in 20 minutes. but i’ve always thought about rikki and his regrets and i do wonder how aware he is of the nature of their relationship. it’s maybe kinda cheesy to imagine him confessing to melmord in a “i don’t want to mess things up again” kind of way but…….it’s still so sweet. i think it would take a pretty long time for rikki to ever confess something like that, though, because even after he comes to terms with the fact that he will never get his old life back, it still feels like he’s cheating on nikki somehow. he has trouble letting go. but at least melm is there, right? :’’’’’’’’’’)

[paperanddice]

Grim Jester

Today we take a look at the next backer monster in the Tome of Beasts, the grim jester. Evil clowns are not a new concept, as a very large number of people with coulrophobia will tell you, but even beyond that there’s a very fine line with clowns. Exaggerated expressions and action can easily shift between funny and scary, and certain types of clowns purposefully toe that line. Jesters as a specific type of entertainer typically exists as a jack-of-all-trades style performer, using a variety of different acts that are framed in a comedic manner. The court jester would have a specific note that they were allowed to mock anyone in any position of power, even the ruler, without fear or reprise.

The grim jester has many of the skills needed for a variety of performances. Acrobatics, slight of hand, stealth, and of course, performance, all with very high bonuses allowing them to put on a great show. Of course, as an undead mockery created by a powerful being associated with death specifically to kill mortals in an absurd manner, their performances are rarely appreciated by the living. The beings that create grim jesters are not those like the Raven Queen or Kelemvor, who merely guide souls through the afterlife. Instead, grim jesters are the work of Nerul, Orcus, or Bhaal. Beings who represent death as a foe to the living, who benefit from people being killed and who advance plots with the goal of destroying as many people as possible. If you amuse any figure like that enough with a performance or clever wordplay, you may find yourself continually brought back to entertain them further. In order to succeed you must continue to kill in an amusing way, but the penalty for failure is quite dire.

Mechanically, the grim jester is quite powerful, even if it lacks any kind of mundane attack. Their little jester staff is no mace. Instead, they have quite a few dangerous spells in their innate casting, including at will inflict wounds, which will likely be their default method of fighting. Limited uses of contagion, delayed blast fireball and finger of death round out their damaging spells, and I can see the potential for a good joke in those magics. Grease, misty step and mirror image provide other utility in combat, and in the case of grease an excellent opportunity for slapstick. The real threats of the grim jester though are its means of mocking the living. A powerful, supernatural joke that can incapacitate and kill with laughter, the ability to mock any chance of recovering by turning healing spells into damage, swapping places with a target and creating an illusion to hide the switch. They exert immense control over the battlefield just by the threat of these abilities, and against a party that’s unaware of them it can be immensely dangerous. Dump a high level healing spell into an ally who’s unconscious, and instead they suffer damage and an automatic failed death save. Enough healing could turn it into instant death.

I’ve never used such a creature in my game yet, but just looking over its abilities, I can see it being very difficult to play correctly. There’s a lot of thought that goes into building a comedy, even if the intended audience isn’t actually the players, and its abilities will either make it a devastating foe that ends characters, or it gets destroyed without issue. Of course, it returns so long as coming back is funnier than staying dead, so better hope you amused its master and creator with its destruction. Remember that such beings typically have a very different sense of humor, so what’s funny to you may not be funny to them.

When the simple act of walking along the railing of the balcony in the royal court goes horribly wrong, a simple jester tumbles to his death. This accident, so random, unexpected and pointless, drives a god of accidents to helpless laughter, and the jester’s soul is stolen at the moment of death to be brought before the god’s court instead. After that meeting, the jester is suddenly returned to the royal court, now an undead mockery, and it seeks to be granted the position of court jester, rather than a mere assistant. Destroying the jester does not bring it to an end, as its lord continually returns it, and so the court is forced to endure its presence. Unable or unwilling to kill the monarch and the court, the jester seems to merely take pleasure in the accidental deaths of others around it. No evidence has been found linking the jester to these events, but even if there was, what can be done?

A powerful lich keeps a grim jester as her herald and representative, taking great pleasure in the discomfort the living get from her jester’s jokes at their expense. The ritual she uncovered and adapted to create the grim jester binds it to her mood, and so long as the jester continues to amuse and entertain her, its power is set. However, when she grows impatient or frustrated by it, it feels the cold chill of death coming over it again and threatening to end it permanently, so it constantly works to remain in her good graces. It returns without trouble from apparent destruction, allowing the lich to send it off to meet with the living, confident that it will send the message she wants, and frustrate those divine powers that so hate the undead. She finds it even more amusing to imagine the angry paladin who destroys her jester, only for the jester to simply reappear days later, and so when such beings destroy the jester there is no risk of it failing to return to undeath.

Sometimes the joke is on the clown. The sorts of beings who create a grim jester are cruel without fail, and they take a risk clutching at the souls they use for the undead. Plucking a soul from its proper afterlife in order to claim it for yourself is difficult, but sometimes the joy taken from it is worth the risk. A grim jester created from the soul of a good person who died in a manner that amuses an evil god is the ultimate joke. Forced to act on their new master’s behalf, their own personality breaking through on occasion as they despair in the actions they now perform, and unable to escape it as their return is always more amusing then their eventual passing on, such jesters are a dark joke on the multiverse itself. No fair system would allow them to exist, but stealing a soul back from a god is the stuff of epic legends.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Seed of Chucky

So after Child’s Play 3 fucking failed, where could the series possibly go? Well, by the time a sequel came out, it was the late 90s, so obviously it had to be a tongue-in-cheek black comedy! Bride of Chucky was a lot more comical than the previous films in the franchise while still keeping a somewhat dark edge to it; the kills are still brutal, and a lot more sensible than the ones in the last film. Brad Dourif is back to the top of his game here too, with Chucky being a bit less bullshit stupid and more enjoyably psychotic and demented.

But of course, the absolute best thing this movie brought was Tiffany, Chucky’s equally crazy killer girlfriend, played by Jennifer Tilly. Tilly does an excellent job, and her voice is seriously perfect for a crazy, sultry, sexy serial killer. She’s easily the best part of the movie, and the best addition to the franchise since Kyle in the second film. This film has a lot of weird shit, like doll sex, but it’s all part of the charm here; this movie isn’t as good as the first two, but as a film on its own it ain’t too bad, I gotta say. It’s enjoyable at the least. The film ends with Tiffany, seemingly dead, giving birth to a new doll due to the unprotected doll sex she had earlier… and, well, that leads us into tonight’s film, Seed of Chucky.

The story is of a doll, a pasty little ginger doll who wants to know where he came from. His “Made In Japan” birthmark leads him to go to Hollywood, because he saw Chucky had the same tattoo and they’re now filming a movie based on Chucky… a movie starring Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany. So The kid goes there, wakes up his parents, and then what ensues is basically a family comedy with murderous dolls who are trying to impregnate and possess Jennifer Tilly. Oh and the kid is not anatomically correct so Chucky calls him Glen and Tiffany calls him Glenda. Hijinks ensue.

So this film actually reminded me a lot of the fifth Friday the 13th film… and that’s not a good thing, since that movie fucking sucks. This movie is definitely better than that one, but they both have a similar problem, in that one character brings the entire film down. In that film, it’s the character awkwardly revealed to be Jason at the last second, while here… it’s Glen. This ugly, creepy, pasty freakish doll child is an awful character, and I don’t mean personality wise or even voice-wise, though both of those things are really grating. No, he’s just so goddamn uncomfortable to look at and just plain ugly. His parents aren’t exactly lookers themselves, but Tiffany and Chucky at least have somewhat appealingly creepy designs; Glen, on the other hand, is straight up uncanny valley material. He’s just unpleasant to look at, and since he’s our lead, dealing with his parents and their insanity, he’s onscreen for a vast majority of the film. It gets even worse near the end where Glen gets a split personality called Glenda, who is equally unpleasant to look at and is absolutely demented.

It’s a shame too, because there’s a lot to like in this film. Of note is Jennifer Tilly, who is playing a hilariously overexaggerated version of herself. Much like in the last film, she’s the best part, but here’s she’s doubly good since she’s playing both Tiffany and this caricature of herself. Chucky and Tiffany are pretty on top of their comedic game here, and while it is a bit offputting there is something dementedly hilarious about these two psychopaths chatting and bickering about normal married couple things. One of my favorite moments comes when Chucky axes through a door and sticks his head in; you expect, at this point in a movie overly saturated in references, for him to make an obligatory reference to The Shining. Instead, he says something to the effect of, “You know, I can’t really think of anything to say.” It’s dumb, but I laughed. It was certainly a lot funnier than when Chucky and Glen drove Britney Spears off the road and made her explode. No idea why THAT was in the movie.

Back to my problems with the film… there are a lot of moments in the final third where I felt the movie could have ended and kept a little dignity, but… it just kept going on and on and on. Like, Chucky, Glen(da), and Tiffany have Tilly, her newborn twins, and her chauffeur all tied up and they’re ready to do the voodoo soul switch ritual… but then Chucky interrupts with a pretty epic speech before Tiffany gets sick of his shit and decides to leave him and take the kid. Then after Tilly is in the hospital, you think it might be over, but then Glen and Tiffany show up to possess her and the kids, BUT THEN Chucky shows up, BUT THEN he kills Tiffany, BUT THEN Glen does a fucking kung fu leap and kills Chucky and chops him up…

BUT FUCKING THEN IT CUTS TO YEARS LATER… WITH THE TILLY FAMILY… AND THE TWO KIDS WERE POSSESSED BY GLEN AND GLENDA AND JENNIFER HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY TIFFANY. BUT FUCKING THEN, AT THE LAST FUCKING MINUTE, THEY GOTTA THROW IN SOME MORE BULLSHIT AND HAVE CHUCKY MAIL HIS ARM TO GLEN AND oh my god who fucking cares. At this point the movie has lost every shred of decency and dignity it ever had; no amount of John Waters having his face melted off by acid can make up for this bullshit… ok, it helps a little, but god, this still fucking sucks.

This is just an unpleasant movie to watch. It’s like the entire film is in the uncanny valley thanks to Glen and his utterly creepy design. It’s just not fun no matter how many good jokes and good performances are here, all because they had to make Chucky’s kid into a hideous, disturbing, whiny little British twat. This is the fucking bottom of the barrel as far as slasher sequels go, and it’s easily the worst film in the Child’s Play series.

The series remained dormant for a long while after, eventually coming back for the straight-to-video Curse of Chucky, which ended up being awesome and suspenseful much like the first film. That was followed up with the also awesome Cult of Chucky. Interestingly, while it is absolutely evident Bride is still canon – Tiffany being there is proof enough of that – it’s a bit ambiguous as to whether or not this film is, because aside from some vague allusions there’s nothing that directly confirms it. Glen(da) sure hasn’t shown up, which I sure am glad for… let’s hope it stays that way. These films are back on a good track, so let’s not fuck it up by bringing back the most unpleasant character in the series.

[jobone123]

#report ok let's talk EVERY STEP OF THE WAY SINCE BLOOD HAS BEEN planned a attack TALKED ABOUT WALMART so Walmart was taken out the next city BECAUSE JAYSON WAS JOBS# ONLY 500 JOBS WALMART N 200 MCDONALDS sat without planes hates yacht's job#

Anyways I'm guessing I'm walking up the beach n walk into a desert BECAUSE UCRANE SHOWED US MIAMI FLORIDA IS TO EASY TO COPY on land ALLABAMA SPECIFICALLY verify downtown Miami

Anyways we all know it's almost over for JAYSON n I will kill with a razor blade TO DIE we have no more options

Anyways so we know it's almost over n u that survived TIC TOC U WILL NOT SURVIVE JAYSON no jobs tomorrow WHISTLE BLOWER

So I'm walking up 441 n all the sudden I walk into LAS VEGAS FLORIDA happened#

I'm guessing UCRANE showed me where FLORIDA failed LOVES BLACKS HATES DOWNTOWN that's how I killed blonde ffake gem houses on land THEY LOVED DOWNTOWN HATED HOUSES SPECIFICALLY I think their downtown had all open windows n sliding glass doors FOR PEOPLE TO LIVE not make black people suffer like FLORIDA does BROWN S WIFE IS DEAD

So what is it I'm going to be on university N END UP SEEING A SIGN THAT SAYS WELCOME TO ORLANDO you construction idiots cant build snow computers BUT CHANGING STREET SIGNS SEEMS TO BE THE BROWN PEDIFILE move

Like dont call me dumb I'm stupid construction worker for brown stack bricks SOME CONSTRUCTION CREWS WERE FUNNIER like hoe SAWGRASS built on the wrong side LMAOOOOO I dont think that was a joke I JUST THINK THEY TRIED TO KIDNAP JAYSON from downtown

Anyways ever since blood you PEOPLE have staged every step I took EVEN TO BRING ME TO SITE'S that were built to fail LIKE BOSTON'S UNION jk love u snow#

So are we just going to see if JAYSON bleeds to death or how many beach showers he can find TO MAKE BLACK PEOPLE UNION FOLLOWING HATE HIS BLACK HAIR

We know FLORIDA lost when first Drop of blood sweat from JAYSON s head BUT TO STICK AROUND BLEEDING FOR YEARS for a FLORIDA ping satellite n not YACHT was stupid n I think the first blood was when snow Jason died OR VEGAS JASON WAS REPLACED did you know desert city had 15,000 identical house Jason s just like YACHT was made I BET THOSE FAKE GEM LOSER HOUSES WITHOUT POOLS RUINED EVERYTHING can u imagine that YACHT made me BLONDE OR SET UP BY SNOW SAT WITHOUT BOATS huh

It was an attack on my YACHT mad because I was born with a pool SPECIFICALLY

Fuck las VEGAS shoutsouts CALIFORNIA1 I only been to California 1 time sent a chilling message said ALABAMA 6 times n texas 5 WE GUESS ALL THE COMPUTER BOYS WERE MADE n sent to witness ville of Jason ucrane ITS ALMOST LIKE THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHO I WAS like they remember FLORIDA JAYSON from 16 years ago ANYWAYS I THINK FLORIDA SENDING ME TO UCRANE AFTER I WAS MADE so there FAMILIES could fly FLORIDA ping MADE ME DAD N NOT WORK FOR FLORIDA only the YACHT clubs ANYWHERE

Anyways let's talk about why JAYSON left n didn't hold down the CITY BUILT FOR HIM JEALOUSY oh I know BROWNS weakness FOR DUMBER LAND LOCK FAKE GEM HOUSES easier to kill without boats MAKES US THINK EVERY BOY HOUSE WAS CASTRATED N JAYSON IS LITERALLY THE ONLY SON #EVER we wondered why FLORIDA would build a COMPUTER boy house n send him off TO WORK FOR STATE GOVS turns out they killed all my computer brothers 1 by 1 I ASKED WHAT HAPPENED TO MY COMPUTER SISTER n they said they were all killed too SO I WAS THE ONLY SURVIVOR it was a VIRGIN sacrifice gift s to downtown from the house STEAKS SO I WAS TOLD a ritual

If we just killed all the VIRGIN SLEEPING BABIES life SAROGATECY kids WOULD MEAN EVERYTHING MORE the story of the DATABREACH from a COVID19 murder witness WAS KILLED BY a steak VIRGIN killed downtown more# but SAT SONS N DAUGHTERS REPLACING PARENTS MAKES SENSE if you just sacrificed the VIRGINS call me crazy but the FLASH GERNADES SOUND BABIES FRO DEAF ISLANDERS WITHOUT BOATS DAUGHTERS TOUR was #inpact was NUCLEAR fireworks on fourth of july

Just think every 16 years every building is replaced by the next building VIRGINS FLASH BOMBS then we could close the airports

Anyways flash bomb generades SOUND BABIES WERE EPIC LEGEND they didn't suffer 2 TO 3 MINUTES but there impact was legendary NUCLEAR so we picked up there bodies n COOKED them JOKING I THINK THEY LIED N DIDN'T KILL ANY VIRGINS just the usual old ladies n men TOUR