#the loudness. hiding so as not to be percieved.

[lucabyte]

hello

is this how your peopls work. i am obsessed with your comics and the panel layout and the way they react to eachother and sdgafkhgfdhsagfha s i very desperately need to have a grasp on how you see them in their dynamic and interacting and i feel like i don't know as much about how isabeau and loop be interacting but i am so so so so SO curious as to how that goes and how they feel about eachother pre-"i'm a former siffrin" and post-"ok you know who i am"

oh hell yeah a diagram we love a diagram

but yeah i'd say you've gotten my interpretation of the dynamic down pretty solid??

in general i think my instinct with loop-isabeau interactions is a lot tamer/calmer than others ive seen, my reasoning for why being hmm... i think i can note my core 'things im keeping in mind from the text' here

isabeau's line in act 6 remarking that loop seemed 'shy'. for all of loop's bravado @ siffrin (and thus the player's pov), they are still siffrin, so while it can be easy to percieve them as this loud bombastic personality-- there is this textual reminder that them acting this way is probably due in part to being up against siffrin, someone who won't speak unless spoken to (and thus loop takes the initiative, and is also presumably reveling a bit in making them uncomfortable and annoyed, inkeeping with their self-hatred and self-flaggellation) this to me reads as a reminder that they'd probably retreat into their shell hard when presented with other people- the party included. so even if i can see them trying to undermine their relationships with others, i think it's probably more on the insidious 'insulting siffrin to make the party protective of them' side, because that also feeds into 'proving' that the party only cares about one siffrin and that loop can be replaced. meanwhile isabeau has shown that, even with a vicious jealous streak, he can mostly keep a lid on it. he's the most emotionally intelligent of the group, and would probably be able to suss out loop's self-harm-via-getting-people-pissed-off-at-them gambit relatively simply given how obvious it is. also isabeau is not immune to insecurity-- and would probably let loop take some precidence over their relationship with siffrin because 'well i cant compete with the guy who actually went through All Of The Timeloop With Them.' because like... damn how are you supposed to do that. loop understands their pain better than isa ever could, and it would show in their fucked up unspoken understanding of each other (because how is Isa to know thats because theyre the same guy, and not just because the timeloop traumabonded the fuckers baddddly. which it also did.).

timeloop stressful as fuck. absolutely has both of them on tenterhooks the whole time. we visibly see how it affects siffrin (despondance & mania & aggression), and we see SAPfrin be very. very very despondant. so it would seem to me that loop is basically in a perpetual state of mania, given how sif's internal monologue begins to resemble their way of speaking (with the tee hees and such) when they are clearly broaching into manic states. one can assume that if you take loop out of the Torment Nexus, while they probably wouldn't faire well, all of the tension and pressure that's holding them up would collapse, likely putting them more depressive again by default? Of note, whenever i write loop's dialogue (which im told i do well? i will be honest i kind of feel like that's far too high praise.) i initially write it as very blunt and pissed off-- and will afterwards go back in and Maybe change wording to be more 'silly', but mostly i just add tildes~, italics, exclamation points and laughter to the pissed off dialogue without changing the actual content of it?

loop likes their friends! They are fucked up in the head about it (badly!!!) but they like their friends! They still care a lot, and can barely even hide it a little bit with their aloofness in game. it feels redundant to even try pointing out where they slip up because its everywhereee. They de-person their Actors because theyre the same lines over and over and over, but you see in SAP alone how any break from the script makes them overwhelmed with emotion, and how devastated they are if that deviation occurs a second time and becomes predictable (dying to the king after triggering the requisites for the true end, forcing you to go through it again). BUT!! You take their friends out of the timeloop and let them be New Unpredictable People again? I genuinely find it hard to believe mx siffrin "i love my friends so much id explode the world about it" nolastname would be able to see that and just go "nope im emotionally disconnected i can keep being a bitch to these guys forever". like no theyre gonna slip into being at least neutral no matter what. even if it's in a quiet depressive state when the mania wears off.

my biggest deviation from frequently observed fandom things here i think: i think loop doesn't actually believe that ISAT!Party are 'replacements'. they rarely if ever word a sentiment like this. this is something the fandom goes for because the horror of being replaced wholesale probably WOULD make it easier to cope if you considered those people to Not Be Your Real Friends. But loops WHOLE act 6 spiel? 'THEY WERE MINE FIRST. I LOVED THEM'? (paraphrased) they obviously desperately want to be with them again, and know they're the same people. The Fighter/Defender discrepancy clue is mostly metatext here-- since Loop never acknowledges the defender title-- just calling ISAT!Isa Fighter-- because they are the same guy. Your Fighter. They even call them Fighter in the "You got memory of X, your Fighter will now..." dialogues! Which are practically system dialogues! So. they see these isabeaus as the same. And while I would not put it past them to come up with the "they are different, my party is Dead" thing to Cope... I do think it is a delusion, plain and simple, and that I think any post-knowing-the-truth party would probably shut down weird rituals ive seen the fandom propose (often in a cute way??? it makes me feel insane?? like the concept of loop 'memorialising' their 'dead' family is not cute its nuts. they are being nuts. its like actively feeding into an extremely maladaptive coping mechanism. sorry this is like a massive sidebar but like. Yes i do think this is something loop might do if left unchecked. but it should not be presented as sane or rational? it outright undermines the themes of the game to treat the concept of 'Loop's party' being 'dead' as 'True'?? There's like several points in the game where Loop and Siffrin express that things that happened in the loops Still Happened even if the party dont recall it-- which is why their actions-- being cruel or doing 'experiments' still hold weight and can be Wrong. That it's tragic that the party will never remember but that their forgetting is NOT a pass to do whatever with no consequnce (experiment, bad touch, etc). It follows that by Nixing all of "loop's party", treating them as seperate, in some way implies loop's memories are Lesser and what they did "doesn't matter as much", which is antithetical on account of being contradictory to however you take the stated theme. PLUS... The game and Paratext are clear that there is One Timeline. SAP is in the same contiguous space as ISAT-- it is effectively just that on the loop between SAP and ISAT that we the audience dont see-- loop ate that star and when the loop restarted there were two of them. for all intents and purposes one can intuit that Loop 0 of isat and SAPfrin's first loop are legitimately identical from sif's POV, as Loop does not reveal themselves until Loop 1. BUT YEAH GIANT SIDEBAR OVER. THIS WHOLE READ OF THE TEXT INFORMS MY THOUGHTS RE: ISALOOP AND RELATED CONCEPTS VERY GREATLY)

jesus christ i wrote a lot in the above um. sorry. i dont know if its intelligable. uh. good luck?

im also on team 'orrery book and sif's thoughts about it belie a real deep-seated brainworm' re: their response to a Cautionary Tale About How You Will Inevitably Kill Your Double seemingly being "Nah, we'd be besties."... like. i do think it is. funny. and not particularly Unbased. Given how they are. For siffrin and loop to specifically be compelled by how they are the same guy. And i think that there's a lot to be mined from 'Both of them are convinced that the party knowing who loop is would fuck up everything badly, so they're going to great lengths to conseal this' played in tandem with '... they are like. very much explicitly doing things together that are directly related to a feeling of shared ownership over siffrin's body and form & the fact they are The Same Guy'. like it is a hysterical setup to me and i think is only added to when you have to put Isabeau in the middle of this polycule also. With the few exceptions of times ive drawn stuff specifically hinging on characters Knowing Who Loop Is (which is like. all bonnie-centric stuff so far? i think?), i take a lot of care to try and make their exchanges Vague as if they are worried about being overheard or saying something that's too much of a smoking gun. But also it's really god damn funny to think about how concerning some of those things could sound the vaguer you make them. Remember that above all i live and die by The Bit. (... as do they.) ie basically because im powered by The Bit thats why i focus more on the sloop side because its like. actively Funnier and more drama filled. or at least presents oppertunities for such. i feel like on isabeaus side here its kinda frequently like

yknow ? (oh god my formatting is broken now) . i DO very much think it can become like. niceys. of course. i think they can just be normal fucking throuple eventually (though if i'm going that goddamn far into the future u may as well partycule the fuckers 2 me. by the time theyve solved whatever the fuck you call pre-reveal isiloops i think odile has gotten involved at the very least. but this is why i mostly keep myself to the realm of 'the mostly immediate post-game conflict' stuff since i think all these characters leave off the end of the game with such solid springboards for arcs set up (clearly intentionally) that the infinite realm of possibilities opens up too wide for me to be comfortable with.) anyway i keep thinking about the tragicomedy of isabeau finally finding an "in" to nurture a friendly bond with loop by comisserating and steeling themselves for changing again even though it feels like a betrayal of their previous actions/beliefs and how fucking funny the idea of 'loop reveal but theyre like 2 weeks into using she/they' is. just like you get all the way through the horrors of 'oh jesus christ the timeloop was even worse than we thought it was' but now '.. d. do you still . what pronouns do you want?' is tacked onto the end. Sorry did you hear something . must've been the wind. anyway . this ask is a fucking mess i hope its readable like at all . can you tell ive been brainscramblied for six weeks

TL;DR:

yeaghj you got it. its not like im doing anything revolutionary im just trying to stick as close as i can do what i percieve the characterisation is in canon & thus generally dont tie down any of my fanwork to specific post-canon-plot-concepts. its all just nebulous extrapolation set 'pretty close to the end of the game because i think these characters are going to grow and change extremely rapidly once the game is over given how they're all intentionally poised for character arcs when the game ends'. but also you should put isabeau in the worst social bind of all time with two of the most mentally unwell BPD OCD havers youve ever seen and let him try to figure out the balance of 'be gentle' and 'treat them like the almost-30-year-old adult they literally are' while he also balances his own set of entire life changes it'll be fine he'll be fine (someone should probably check on him)

[transzilla]

I believe in not only corrupting eggs to transition to men but to light fires under the asses of men who transition but stop taking it seriously for whatever reason. With enough repeated failure and desires left unsatisfied, even these big shot, loud and angry, rowdy tboys start to have that soft boy fetishized weakness rigomoroll shit catch up with them. They start to familiarize and hide behind their own percieved inferiority, these hot young soldiers with all this potential losing steam and left to reminisce while they're still half-baked, a bunch of poor bastards. Steam powered, roided inertia slows to a vapid convention and stops at a stale, repetitive restriction of depleted self esteem. The raw abrasion of transition wears off and the bullshit we deal with as men wears on us, makes us minimize ourselves, keeps us bound to the same old same old, always for the best.

Doesn't have to be the case. In an age of mediocrity and the demonization of queer masculinity, be that man. If you feel unhappy and discontent and you don't know how, take your transition a little more seriously. You don't just do it once, you come out and take the steroids, heehee hoohoo i'm pinocchio and the blue fairy made me a real boy and you're done forever happily ever after. Masculinity is about constantly challenging yourself, and if you're being challenged as a man constantly it can be a sign of a good thing. You will grow in the face of, in spite of, and because of adversity. Shoot things. Hit things. Fucking stand up for yourself and stop letting people walk all over you. Step outside of your comfort zone. Make yourself dangerous. Make others dangerous. Walk the streets with no fear knowing if somebody gives you shit you've broken yourself in so many times you're equipped to deal with it. Don't slow down and remember who the fuck you are.

[sporesgalaxy]

I’ve thought about it some more and I want to rephrase: the specific thing about the way Dungeon Meshi handles gender and autism that makes me bonkers is the blunt way the author states the differences between Laios and Falin’s treatment by the world. If Falin had been the one to try and carve out a space for the both of them, she would have been dismissed at best. But Laios was the one to try that, and for the crime of being a big autistic man, he was beaten for it. Many- most, even- aspects of this world and the real world favor men, when a gender or presentation is favored. Misogyny is extremely present in so many of our lives. But it is naive to pretend that there are no downsides to being seen as a man, especially one of color, or one that’s not neurotypical, or any number of things. Falin faces unique struggles as an autistic woman, usually internal, and usually to do with the social pressures placed on her to be seen as nothing but agreeable. But Laios faces unique struggles as an autistic man, like getting the shit kicked out of him or punched in the face or having people plot to kill him.

I’m super not trying to say that either has it better. Facing conflict because you are incapable of not presenting as exactly the kind of person you are isn’t inherently worse or better than being unable to present at all, trapped within yourself. But the way it’s presented in Dungeon Meshi is fascinating to me.

Ok so first of all I want you to know I GET IT. I HAVE SEEN HOW BAD IT CAN SUCK FOR AUTISTIC MEN IN A LOUD AND OPEN AND PHYSICAL WAY and how NO ONE FUCKING DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT because Guys Are Supposed To Be Tough and You Should Just Stop Acting Weird And Having Feelings and all that bullshit!!!!!!! I watched that happen to someone very close to me over the course of My Whole Childhood. It's fucking dismal and it makes me really happy to see a character like Laios where those struggles are front and center.

BUT! I also want to point out that your wording here, altho it is not your intention to belittle Falin's suffering, makes it seem like her/typical autistic women's suffering is wholly immaterial. Which is NOT true. It's not that Falin's emotional suffering is equal to Laios' physical suffering, it's that their autism/neurodivergence makes them both vulnerable to physical AND emotional abuse, but in different ways because of gendered social dynamics.

•••

(Quick aside: non-autistic men and women both experience physical as well as emotional abuse because of their percieved gender as well, btw. Yes, men get priveleges, but patriarchy harms them, too. You know what, this video discussing the strengths and weaknesses of The Barbie Movie actually explains it really really well. Anyways, back to the main point.)

Due to the different gendered social expectations placed on men and women, yes, men are more likely to escalate social conflict to physically fighting each other. But the same way that doesn't mean that there's NO emotionally abusive aspect to men's social punishment for being too different, the fact that women are expected to use emotionally abusive tactics to address social conflict does NOT mean that there is no physically abusive aspect to the ways that autistic women are mistreated.

The same way Laios' inability to hide his autistic traits puts him at risk for both getting the shit beaten out of him AND being lied to for purely social reasons, Falin's coping strategy of being agreeable puts her at risk for being shunned emotionally AND enduring physical harassment.

If Falin had tried to actively & forcefully carve out a place for herself and Laios in the world, dismissal is NOT the worst that could have happened to her. What Falin's childhood experience being subjected to folk rituals by her mother and rejection from the town REALLY shows us is that, if Falin was TOO unnacceptable to the people around her it would have become someone else's responsibility to "fix" or "cure" her. Her parents', or a doctor's, or a betrothed.

I'll try to find it later, but in one of the bonus comics where we learn more about the Touden sibs' relationships to their parents, one of the things we learn is that their mother tried to "treat" Falin's magical abilities using a variety of ineffective folk cures. Their mother felt pressured to do this by the townspeople's very negative response to Falin's magical abilities, which along with their father seeking advice from a Gnome, proves that the threat against Falin was not completely in Laios' head.

Falin says she saw this as quality time with her mother, but...I mean, girls with unhealthy relationships to their bodies often see childhood dieting and clothes shopping with their mothers as quality time, even if that "quality time" instilled in them a deep-seated belief that they should mistreat their bodies and view themselves as objects to be consumed. Just because Falin thinks of it as quality time now does NOT mean that there was no damage done.

In a world where her social and fiscal autonomy are already highly limited, Falin's physical autonomy is threatened by her neurodivergence, just in a more roundabout way than Laios' is.

[thus-it-is-proclaimed]

Love little habits, a collection of my headcannoned ideas drawn from fan works and my brain:

—Phoenix and Miles—

Phoenix:

Biting knuckles/pens/edges of his sleeves when nervous or trying to maintain composure. Fiddles with everything, fidgeting galore.

Angry flat laughter. He hides behind a smile so frequently that he can completely fake it (post disbarment/ during and after 7yg). Mia’s words have stuck with him in the.. not healthiest way.

The most expressive parts of him are his eyes/eyebrows, even when his smile is lying those who know him (and don’t have any Percieve/Lie detector ability) (or when Phoenix manages to learn to word his responses to fly under the radar as half-truths) can parse his genuineness by how he’s holding his eyebrows, his eye contact, if his smile reaches his eyes completely.

Fell out of art in law school and practice. He retains his “stage training” (posture, projecting voice, open movements) and ofc, eye for artistic detail (often he’s just a critic).

Can sing, and do so pretty well after warmup, horribly out of practice though.

Coffee drinker, sugar and cream, but he weaned off it a bit towards the end of aa3 and got to taking it less tooth achingly sweet. [He would never admit it to Godot].

Any notes he takes are scribbled upside down and often coffee and food stained. “Organized chaos” is how he lives his life.

Cries loud, but barely does it (post feenie era)

——

Miles:

Doesn’t often host, if he does he will always adhere to the Rules of such and offers his companions drinks/food first. This extends to coffee/tea runs. Miles will serve everyone before himself.

He also- unlike Nick being “guilted” into it- often insists on paying if he feels there is anything he owes to the other person. Most times he simply expects to be the one paying, especially if he suggested the area.

Most expressive parts of him (movement wise) are shoulders and hands. Ofc with his “gripping arm” tell, but also tapping fingers, flicking movements. When he is in control he moves with fluidity and practice of being Aware of himself and demeanor. When he is flustered, his movements go sharp, shaky, jagged. His shoulders hike up high, or hold tense, or curl into himself or slope dejectedly.

Tea snob, ofc. Has a Ritual every morning for it.

Journals. He has very nice practiced handwriting. Likes to jot down his thoughts neat and tidy, it makes him feel in control. He makes lists and day plans and meeting arrangements. He also- in the beginning- hides this journal in files when in public.

Can cry almost completely silently. Barely makes any sound.

On the other side: when he has panic/anxiety attacks, they make him almost catatonic. It is not usually a quiet affair, though he tries hard to make it so.

Paces when thinking, often does so without meaning to.

[eddiegettingshot]

carla : just make sure you're following your heart, not christopher's. line of all time that unfortunately reformed the entire fandom's view on eddie + dating in all the wrong ways. she was saying exactly what buck said in 502 (?) ... dont keep dating ana just because she gets along with chris. i.e. you should date her because it feels right, not because you think its right. it was never about chris is was about eddie Thinking about his relationships instead of Feeling them. like this was also why it didnt work with marisol... he was not following his heart he was following tia pepa's suggestion to start dating and also what he percieved as a sign from the universe (which he does not even believe in) that him and marisol had a magic connection. so he thought dating marisol was the right thing to do, he thought asking her to move in was the right thing to do even though none of it ever felt right to him (see: bobby convo). a sign from the universe is also the grounds that he re-proposed to shannon on or whatever. but now that he is letting himself Feel perhaps he will be able to follow his heart now...

right …………. chris is a filter and a mode of distortion for him … like in terms of the way eddie represses things, his “use” of chris is superficial. it’s there to hide what’s underneath because loving and wanting the best for chris is one of the few things he allows himself … and because he fears that his actual desires will hurt chris. the things he wants for chris are not repressed desires; he’s so loud and open about them that they sublimate all the subconscious things and the things he won’t let himself have.

[4ngeldusstt]

F A R E W E L L

A/N: this might be bad im so sorry in advance but it was helpful to get that motivation to write something again!!!

Word count: 931

Warnings: angst (none)

It’s been so long, way too long since you last saw him, a mass murderer to them but just Itachi for you. Despite the awful words put on his name and rumors you heard in the village you still couldn’t see him as anything but a gentle and caring man, it was difficult for you to fathom, his hands, the ones that once had such a soft feel against your skin, the same ones that held you with so much love that you could even sense his fear of breaking you if he wasn’t careful enough. It was hard for you to believe those hands, were stained.

You still remembered him, daily. Your mind often wondering if he was taking care of himself, if he was eating well, if he was still alive, you would be lying if you said those thoughts hadn’t kept you awake more times that they should’ve, but you couldn’t help it. They can’t blame you for having this thoughts, right? you knew an Itachi they didn’t, you knew him better than anyone. He was your first love, your first everything. Yes, he broke your heart by leaving so suddenly, but a piece of you also left with him that night, a piece that you hoped he still carried with him everywhere he went.

[Fast forward]

You are part of the ANBU and were assigned a mission that was apparently easy, you were ambushed and were now fighting against a member of Akatsuki, as you were fighting you sensed a presence hiding somewhere, making you feel kind of uneasy but somehow you where not threatened by it.

Your peripheral vision percieved a shadow moving from one tree to another your reflex was to throw a kunai at it’s direction landing on the tree trunk right by their face. “Still the best shinobi in Konoha I see.” The sudden so familiar voice making you freeze in place allowing your opponent to attempt to attack you, but the attack never got to you, ‘how is it possible? I didn’t even move’ you thought, a shadow was towering before you, their body stopping the ninjutsu technique that was supposed to be aimed at you. “What are you doing Itachi? Let me finish her.” It hit you like a wave out of the sudden you realized, the presence you felt, the familiar voice, the man towering you, it was.. him. “You touch her, I’ll kill you.” He was protecting you, like he always did.

“‘tachi?” Your voice coming out small, mirroring how you felt at that moment, suddenly you were back at the time he walked you home that night clueless that was going to be the last time that you were going to see his face, back at when he kissed you like he always did before you got though your door, a kiss that lasted a few more seconds than usual, you didn’t know why at the time but later on you knew. He was saying goodbye.

His shoulders tensing at the nickname you always called him, at your voice, the voice he hasn’t had the pleasure to hear in over two years now, the voice that he tried so hard not to forget. “Why did you leave me?” You bravely asked him, you had thought before what would you say to him if you had the chance to see him again, wondering if you would be angry, happy, upset. But deep down what you wanted to know was this, why he left you.

“I’m sorry, I had to.” He couldn’t dare to turn around just yet, in fear of breaking down at the sight of your face. “You could’ve taken me with you, you know?” A bare whisper was all your voice allowed you in this moment. “I ruined my life I didn’t want to ruin yours. I couldn’t do that to you. It would’ve been selfish of me to take you with me, y/n. Force you to become a rogue ninja.. you had a bright future ahead, I didn’t want to take that away from you.” his voice starting to break after saying your name out loud for the first time after all these years. It pained him because he know you felt abandoned, he knew that he broke you. “You wouldn’t be forcing me if it’s my own decision. I had you on my mind every day for the past few years, I never sopped loving you, I never once felt hatred against you for leaving, please look at me, Itachi.” Your pleading eyes were now staring at the black ones you only had the chance to see in your dreams, fuck, you missed him.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, he couldn’t look away from you, his hand reaching slowly in fear that you would evaporate if he touched you, scared that his mind was playing a toll on him. Finally, he cupped the side of your face, you were very much real, engraving in his mind the sight and feeling of you subconsciously leaning against his warm touch closing your eyes at the sensation of his skin finally being against yours. “I love you, y/n. Always have and always will.” The warm feeling on your cheek was now replaced by a cold breeze, pulling you put of the trance his whispering voice had you on, your eyes slowly opened in hopes that he was still there but you were met with the spot he was standing on seconds ago being empty. Not his eyes, not him. He left, once again. You can’t blame him, can you?

“‘Til we meet again, ‘tachi.”

[faerunscursed]

The Blade of Frontier's, in the eyes of many, was a hero. Everything that was percieved of his actions were to help those in need, that he was completely selfless. However, that was not the case, not entirely. In the beginning this had indeed been the case, but as the years passed Wyll changed. Born from the hatred of his father, and continued from the careful molding by Mizora's hands, Wyll's reasons weren't entirely pure. If anything the Blade served as a role to hide the man he really was now, a power addicted warlock who merely just loved showing off his gifts.

Wyll got a high off the power that thrummed through his now devil-filled blood. And now the coin in his hand was only adding to it. The soul coin in which he had found, luckily before Karlach even, called to him. The screams of agony coming from the coin would have concerned a young Wyll Ravenguard, but not the one in present, who seemed to revel in the power their screams held. Though he couldn't tell if it was the part of him that was addicted to the power or if it was the devil that was so drawn it. Either way, he could understand how Karlach was attached to them.

"Is this what a Soul Coin feels like?" He finally asked out loud as he forced himself to look up at Karlach. "I can see why you use them, even holding them, I find myself wanting to test their power for myself." The warlock didn't even bother to hide the hint of a grin, knowing full well that had he been around anyone else, they would have questioned this decision.

In fact, not too far from their location was a goblin camp. Which made him think; What if he could take this coin for a test drive? To take it out on the very species that had put him through so much pain, as the scarring around his eye would remind him. "Do you think you could teach me how to use it, Karlach? Sneak away from the group, away from judgmental eyes?" @iron-hearts-ablaze

[redmoonwanderer]

FFXIV Write 2024, Day 1 Prompt: Steer

At first, the loud sounds, mostly banging on metal and stone, get the whole tribe wary. They think, and rightly so, that the Imperials were dealing with some percieved trouble in the vicinity of their home, and quickly gather their belongings.

Well, the adults do. Qhol’a’s oldest sister Felha is tasked with taking the children to safety, and they rush for the Comet’s Tail, where they would meet the rest of the tribe.

There hasn’t been refugees coming through, lately, and the well-trodded paths in the forest are in places hidden with new grass and bushes. The tree-line has withdrawn closer to Gridania since the Imperials invaded in their hunting grounds, and there’s less cover to take, but his sister knows her way around, and Qhol’a and the other children start to think of it as a game rather than a precausion when they dash from shadow to shadow. “If that monster sees us, the game’s over,” says one child, Reha, and points at a large, three-headed beast whose heads are actually more like plants. Qhol’a wonders how it sees or hears anything, and how they can even decide if it’s spotted them when all the heads are turning this way and that.

But one by one they go by, with Felha leading the way, and find their way safely to the lit caves in the southern Fringes. There they wait for what feels like an eternity and a half, and when the children try to play, Felha tells them to be quiet. The way she hisses at them, Qhol’a’s not sure if she’s angry or scared, but because Felha is fated to be a great adventurer, and they are never scared, she must be angry. Qhol’a thinks it because the Imperials are in their territory.

Finally, the rest of the tribe arrives. Some talk with Felha quietly while others look after their children. Qhol’a is quiet, like the good child he is, and listens. Beyond the murmured greetings and questions between blood-families it’s hard to tell what his sister is talking about, so he sneaks a little closer. When he tries to sneak past two grown-ups, his shoulder hits someone.

“Oww,” says the voice next to him. Qhol’a doesn’t say anything, but rubs his arm and looks at the youngest of his three sisters (who is still older than him, though she’s smaller than him. It’s kind of funny when outsiders think she’s the youngest). Elys seems to pick up on his intent, puts a finger on her lips, then leads him to the side, behind a rock.

“-- to say what, but I don’t like it. Either way, our way over to Gridania is blocked, for now, maybe for a very long time,” Qhol says to Felha.

Aw, they missed the important things. The two look at each other in disappointment, but before they can do much else, Qhol speaks loud enough that the others can hear. “Children, come on here.”

Qhol’a and Felha step out from their hiding place, and Qhol gives them a knowing look, but seems a little proud. Maybe she hadn’t seen them go there? Elys giggles and Qhol’a smiles as they join the group of others.

“Firstly, you don’t need to be scared,” Qhol says. “The bad guys aren’t attacking, they’re building something. We don’t know what, but we might find out eventually. But they are really, very close to us now, so you need to be careful. No going out alone, just like before. If you see something or hear something and don’t know what it is, tell one of the grown-ups. Most important of all, steer clear of whatever they are building. You can’t go to Gridania anymore. If you see anyone trying to go away alone, tell us.”

The kids look at one another, then one, a five-year-old Nilh, raises her hand. “And what if we see Qhol’a going out alone?”

Because he’s the only one who can, because he’s allowed to do magic. It makes him feel a little important.

“If you do, you can still tell the grown-ups. Just in case,” Qhol says with a smile, and Nilh nods her head.

After that, they’re told they’ll be sending the night in the cave, and that they will find a new place for their home tomorrow. Or the day after.

Just one look at Elys, and Qhol’a knows that they’ll be out to see the secret thing the bad people are building. Not today, probably, but one day.

[zylphiacrowley]

10. What do they like best about each other?

Finally getting to answer some more of the asks that have been sitting in my inbox! Thank you for being so patient with me friend! TTATT

Erenville might not say it out loud, but he enjoys that X'vahl is so outgoing and is so easily adaptable. He enjoys having someone around who's very easy to talk to, and who can talk to others so easily (that way he doesn't have to :)). He likes that he was surprised to find out that the Warrior of Light was so… normal? (as normal as he could be, all things considered at least). He also likes how soft and affectionate X'vahl can be when they're alone (even if he's still embarrassed as hell to be overly affectionate in public). He likes how surprised he was to find out that X'vahl is actually extremely competent at survival skills and that he was good with animals (best girl Flag warming up to Erenville immediately was a bonus lol)

For X'vahl he likes having someone who doesn't see him as just the Warrior of Light before anything else. Sure the scions think of him as friend now, but that wasn't how he felt when it started. Erenville has, from the beginning made him feel more normal and more like "just some guy", without ignoring the fact that he does hold such a weighty title, which is a huge burden off his shoulders because at the end of the day yes, he's still the "Warrior of Light, Savior of the Star, Slayer of Primals, etc" but he doesn't have to be all those things for Erenville, he feels that regardless of what he is or is not, Erenville would still feel the same way about him. For all of his percieved confidence, X'vahl does hide a lot of anxiety and fear away so he actually likes that Erenville will call him out on things that he would otherwise hesitate to say. It helps him to not let himself dwell on things and second-guess himself so much.

For both of them, they enjoy how at peace they make each other feel. How when they're alone they can just be, calm and comfortable in each others presence.

ship questions redux

[frostbite-the-bat]

OK random FROSTBITE THE BAT (CHARACTER) TOONTOWN RAMBLES

thinking abt frost and their development with them hiding their identity as a cog - it's always been basically a big joke, after all this lore and 'au' with them isn't very serious and is very jokes (though some of the more personal or detailed things mean a lot to me, especially the allan/cathal/frost/spam/hr/freakson goofy family dynamic)

but I just think it's so funny how they went from careless but still careful to realizing nobody cares as a case of convenient plot armor. like oh no wait we can't do that the toons will know we're cogs. We (spam + frost) gotta be careful though the cogs don't know we're toons. we're in this middle ground where we're FUCKED OVER

but they find toons and cogs they love who love them back and frost just had their whole careless development and they just. Don't care now like all the oil stains and only ever talking to cogs that they were worried about in the past it seems to be a joke to them too. as long as like the resistance doesn't know, they're fine

And if they were to be sorta harassed away from presenting as toons and being around toons they have a massive safety net with the cogs. canonically this would never make sense but it's a self insert au for myself and my friend group, so like whatever we want to happen can happen it's goofy it's cheesy it's nice it's very seperate from canon but it's FUN like I'm aware and like. they barely do shit thats like bad bad theyre just silly goofy frost max bites you then does a prank they dont do evile. they dont even got normal job)

Plus frost especially doesn't have to worry about cogs seeing them as a toon and getting attacked either this fucking thing is a menace with maybe a slightly oversized ego even if they get fucked up in a battle they're probably gonna pretend it didn't happen (while everyone else laughs) boy they scare any flunky with those teeth

like it's very unrealistic but it's so goofy and fun just watching this just. goofy loud motherfucker do whatever they want and do pranks and be a menace. it's fun to just have a character to mess with around non seriously but goooood the more private dynamic stuff is so good I mention it in doodles

them mirroring allan with showing off son everywhere and being very proud of him. their dynamic with spam of kinda being the lead sibling getting into trouble and being loud with empty threats with spam just being like 'uh huh yeah' about it because frost wouldn't do it. frost is a very fail character but in a swag way. their whole 'this weird fucking thing that perplexes me I need to know more about them now we got something fruity going on that isn't ever disclosed because it's entertaining on stage but also frost never says shit' with hr (they're the Fucking Thing), them being able to keep cathal company in some times lifting his mood and motivation up whenever he's too dismotivated or. like just depressed for stuff. more reason to do things when you got goofy siblings to do things with. Especially frost being the opposite energy like they have energy levels equal to graham like those two constantly babble!!

Another dynamic!! The rivalry with Graham but like. there's still some slight care bc mole pace flint is canon here. That's their boss and the guy dating their clubs leader and one of their closest friends also like. but also they will be tryna fight each other in small goofy ways and try to one up each other like 💀💀💀 the girls r fighting. OK see u next week same time for me beat you up!!!!!

It's all so goofy but I LOVE IT I LOVE MY SILLY GUYS I LOAVE TOONTOWM EVEN IF ITS MY OWN PERCIEVED SELF INSERT VERSION OF MYSELF. MY TOONTOWN FRIENDS AND REAL FRIENDS ARE ALL IN IT!! WE'RE ALL HERE!! AND MY GOOFY BAT IS IN THE CENTER OF IT ALL!!

[bellshazes]

bdubs truely prides himself with being the blacksmith that forges every sword he falls on

I have been turning this over in my mind bc you're correct and I think it hits on maybe the thing that gives me the second most agony over any given Situation bdubs has put himself in, which is that he is really good at forging swords to fall on to such an extent that he does not know how to make swords that do not harm the user.

I love thinking abt him in comparison to Scar, who has a similar but distinct paradox: he dies a lot, and is constantly trying to bend things to his will through big talk, and dies often enough that him being dangerous is always somehow a surprise. he just does not choose to be on high alert at all times, because playing dangerous or loose is fun and has minimal consequences when you can get regeared easily - and he can play well in 3L when it isn't.

bdubs, though. oh, bless him. he feigns outrage at the s8 clockwork mansion and then is absolutely tickled leaving it that his friends would do him the kindness of forging swords FOR him to throw himself on. he is, unlike Scar, frequently terrified of dying, which is why he sleeps and avoids the nether; when he plays reckless he's selfish and loud and full of fairly empty bravado, which is a different kind of big talk. scar wants you to buy his snake oil, but bdubs wants you to mistake him for a more dangerous animal so he doesn't have to find out if he is. so he dies enough, because it's an easy bluff to call! everyone laughs at the guy jousting at windmills as if he didn't build them himself.

he rarely gets away with even accidental slights in LL and DL without making enemies, even when others do worse and come out far ahead socially. but as has been said the bravado also hides his competencies, because you never expect the guy with the big mouth to have tricky secrets. (this is why his tango/etho assassinations in 3L are still the most impressive scheme of all, and why the homewrecker bit is just so fucking doomed.)

but. But! he is not in the habit of letting those be in service of much but crafting swords that can be fallen on. Interrupts tango fk show off his cobble generator and then remarks not a whit on how technically impressive the pretty stone sugar cane farm is as a custom functional art piece tailored to its commissioner (tnt, suckers) and charges nothing for it. he is not very good at being red unless he's building a disgustingly competent crastle (the WINDOWS they make me sick). hard to throw yourself on a sword when you've only got one, though he does it beautifully in his LL finale that no one will ever see his side of.

scar can turn it back on because his dying and percieved lack of skills is a focus and a stakes thing. bdubs rarely can, because his dying and perceived lack of skills is because he will play the role that needs played for good stakes to be possible, and if those stakes are life or death he's already being cleo's sword or a hero with skizz or making a stand at his wrecked home. he has already forged the swords, the hilts are already buried in the ground. just one tiny push, and there he goes -

[alderaani]

still i find you there

summary: after Rako Hardeen, there are several things that need fixing.

written for @codywanweek and the day 1 prompt fix-it. I fully intended to have more days completed for this, but given that it’s *checks notes* day 5, it’s probably not going to happen. this is very angsty and perhaps a bit melodramatic, but the heart wants what it wants. also catch me forgetting obi-wan was wearing his vambraces when he ‘died’ and having to stretch to make it work for me. warnings for grief, percieved death and all that good stuff.

-

He’s alive.

It seems impossible. It feels entirely predictable. And yet...Cody can’t make himself believe it. He saw Obi-Wan die, the grainy security-holo footage of slick Coruscant rooftops showing little more than a bolt of red and a lone figure reeling, falling. No sound, no clear faces, and yet...He knew that red hair. He knew that posture, how it could startle like that if timed very, very well.

It had been the only thing that made it real.

It had been a terrible idea to look at the footage, just like Rex (and Fox, and Wolffe, and Boil) had told him, but he couldn’t help himself. He’d needed something to help him break out of the stupor, the long silences, the staring at the door like Obi-Wan was going to walk right through it. The war didn’t stop just because someone had died, and the GAR hadn’t cared about the cataclysmic shockwave it had sent through Cody’s life.

They’d sent the 212th packing to Mimban within a day of the assassination, and Cody had nearly gotten his head blown off after leaving his left flank wide open, expecting the snap-hiss of a lightsaber to cover him. Instead Wooley had been his salvation, yanking him back at the last second and roaring that he needed to get it together. It had been like walking in a dream.

Watching the holo had worked. It had convinced some deep, desperate part of himself that Obi-Wan really wasn’t coming back. That somehow he was going to have to carry on alone, or worse, with another Jedi, whose differences would grate at him like a knife paring into bone.

And in the end, it had all been a lie.

Cody takes a deep breath and leans his forehead against one of the blaster racks in the armoury, the durasteel sharp and cool on his skin. His knees shake and he grips the shelf edges until his fingers hurt, just standing there, just breathing. 

His heart feels big and swollen in his chest, gluttoned with relief and anger, paired with a sharp, aching grief that now, more than ever, has nowhere to go. There’s no reason to harbour it; he should know better. 

He just can’t help it. 

He’d stood through the shuttle landing, through the torturous debrief, through strange, hairless Obi-Wan meeting his eyes and explaining earnestly that ‘if it hadn’t been classified of course he’d have said something…’ without so much as a twitch, but a great yawning chasm in his belly had opened and only kept getting wider the longer they kept making small talk about provisions, and reopening Obi-Wan’s quarters and a million other things that had happened since he’d - gone away. In the end he’d excused himself, planning to retrieve the personal effects he’d personally cleared out of Obi-Wan’s quarters because he’d needed to feel close to him, after, and there hadn’t been any other practical reason to go in there.

Except now he’s standing here, the relevant box at his feet, and he just can’t move. 

Eventually the trembling in his legs slows, and he lifts his head from the shelf, turning instead to slide down it, using it for balance until he hits the floor. His knee thunks against the crate as he collapses, the scant things inside clinking against each other. 

That had been one of the worst things; Obi-Wan always filled a room. His presence was a gentle, quiet, pervasive thing. Cody had held his small collection of two plants, a meditation mat, a few trinkets from planets visited and a lightsaber maintenance kit and felt nothing. 

He swipes ruthlessly at his face with one hand, thumbing under his eyes to scrub away the moisture. 

He needs to get moving. They’ll be looking for him soon. 

Instead, his knee has dislodged the thin fabric covering the crate, and his eyes catch on the vambrace stacked on top, the straps frayed and snapped. Cody had helped paint this one and its pair, had shown Obi-Wan how to get the colours to take properly to the unwieldy plastoid. 

He’d been the one to break it, too. Obi-Wan had just come out of the field medstation, bruised to shit but still smiling, and Cody had crowded him against a powered down holostation in the empty command tent and yanked at his clothes, just needing to feel his pulse under his skin, to feel the warmth of him safe and alive. It had been too much for the worn out armour to bear. 

Two cycles later Obi-Wan had been on his way to Coruscant again, and there had been no time to fix them. It’s stupid, but Cody had taken one look at them on the little desk, in the space that had once been Obi-Wan’s room, and all he’d been able to think was that he hadn’t been properly protected. Cody had broken his armour. Cody had left him vulnerable.

Obi-Wan’d taken his spare set, of course, but he’s always complained that they chafe, and if there’s one thing Cody knows, it’s that if your armour isn’t right you aren’t fighting at your best.

He reaches for the broken piece now, thumbing the frayed synthleather and the chipped paint, yellow and red and faint scuffed up grey. 

He knows now that it wouldn’t have made a difference to what happened, but he still heaves himself up to his feet after a moment and goes to the supply closet, pulls out a new strap, and sits back down again, committing to unpicking the stitching of the old before he can attach it.

He should’ve done this sooner. 

He should’ve been more careful. 

He should’ve been there.

He should’ve - 

He could have - 

He’s crying.

He’s crying, and he doesn’t realise it until the salt is heavy on his cheeks, until his neckline is wet, until his vision blurs so hard he can’t see. Cody makes a low, animal sound and curls over the vambrace, his fingers stilling against the threads. 

His throat aches, his face is swollen, his body hot. He feels sick, and disoriented, overwhelmed in a way he can’t name.

“Cody?” 

He flinches like he’s wounded, turning his face away from the door, like it will hide the evidence of his weakness. He knows he’s failed when Obi-Wan’s breath sucks in, so loud in the quiet. 

“Cody?” His voice comes again, much closer this time. “Will you...will you look at me?” 

Through the haze, Cody catches something that does make him turn. Obi-Wan sounds...hesitant, so uncharacteristically tentative that it cuts through the rest. 

He wipes quickly at his face, smearing the mess, and gets his eyes just clear enough to find Obi-Wan’s face, so foreign and smooth but so dear for all that. His eyes are still the same, glacier-heart blue, and worried, right now, focused on his face. 

“Oh,” Obi-Wan whispers at whatever he finds there, then reaches out, stutters halfway through, and drops his hand. His wrist is bare, and his robe sleeves flop backwards.

“I was trying to fix it,” Cody croaks, shifting to unveil the half-mended vambrace. “Before I brought it back. I broke it, and then you left without it and then you -”

It’s Obi-Wan’s turn to flinch back this time, while Cody greedily drinks him in, taking in the changes to his face, the way the lack of a beard makes his jaw look sharper, his features look younger. The stubbly fuzz of his hair is odd, true enough, but it’s still him.

“I - I never thought,” Obi-Wan says haltingly, and now Cody frowns, because it’s so unlike him to lose his words. Obi-Wan’s eyes flicker away, then back, like he’s steeling himself. Almost like he’s afraid. 

“I never imagined you’d feel responsible - Cody - I’m so sorry -” 

He reaches out, his fingers loosely catching Cody’s wrist this time. Cody feels it, the warmth of his hand sharp and electric. Tears spring to his eyes all over again; it’s the first time they’ve touched since he walked Obi-Wan to the hangar and he kissed him goodbye behind a LAAT/i. He’s replayed it so many times since, thinking he’d never get another, but the memory does the reality no justice, failing to preserve the way heat floods under his skin. 

Obi-Wan moves to take his hand back, and Cody traps it there, anchoring his fingers and dipping his head, just breathing through it.

“If I could have told you,” Obi-Wan continues. “I would have, I swear it, I -”

“I know,” Cody says instantly, because he does, he’d never doubt it. “I know you couldn’t.”

Their fingers curl more securely together, calluses and knuckles finding a home against their pair. 

“I didn’t know if you’d be angry,” Obi-Wan says. Cody shakes his head before he even thinks about it.

“It was your duty. I just -,” he squeezes his eyes shut again, voice breaking. The deception had made him angry. He can admit that, but it was never directed between them. The war stops for no-one, after all. “I can’t believe you’re still here.” 

“I promise, I always intend to stay,” Obi-Wan murmurs.

Cody’s smiling when he kisses him, so full his cheeks ache with it. It tastes of salt and bitter-sweet and just a hint of desperation, their hands clasped with the vambrace cradled between them. 

Then Obi-Wan draws him in, tucking his head under his chin. Cody presses his wet skin to the hollow of neck, listens to his heartbeat, and weeps.

[choco-cherry-chunk]

ok so i have many, many ideas on otto being pregnant when returning to peter 1's universe - so permission to sparm your askbox? lol. i'm picturing a fight like on the bridge between otto and peter, like you said pete thinks the arms are in control again. otto's actuators have been destroying things that are making loud noise or startling them, so a lot of damage has happened. however, peter hears otto trying to calm the actuators down, while also trying to get peter to stop coming closer because they're confused and protective and percieving him as a threat. i also like to imagine that otto is far enough along that he has a bump, maybe 4/5 months? so peter notices and sees otto resting a hand on his middle at he explains snappishly that he's pregnant, alright? now stop coming closer. peter is shocked, a whirlwind of apologies and coos at the actuators trying to calm them saying "it's ok, you remember me don't you? (they do because stranges spell is wearing off, and thats why everyone is coming through to peter 1's universe again) i helped you last time, i'm not going to hurt you guys." the actuators eventually calm enough for otto to take control and he sits on the ground catching his breath while peter is just talking a hundred miles a minute: "l'm so so sorry, are you ok otto?? this is all my fault, i'm sorry, i had no idea the spell would effect you guys again, wow you're pregnant huh? thats so wierd, it's cool tho!! like congratulations" and so on. part 1/??

My love, I can’t express enough how happy this ask makes me, truly. I just adore it!! You may absolutely spam my inbox, as this is one of my favorite things to talk about.

The idea of it happening because Dr. Strange’s spell isn’t holding makes sense and it’s so fitting for this, and I love the adjustment of Otto being further along (it leads me to question if Norman knows about the pregnancy or not yet - would Otto have been hiding it?). He can’t remember what happened in this universe until he runs into Peter 1 and the specific memories of what happened return, but until then, there are other concerns.

His arrival in this universe is rough and he at first focuses on hiding the actuators and then on trying to find Norman or someone who can otherwise help (since his memories of this place are still hazy). But it’s almost like the actuators are dealing with a sensory overload as he tries to get through this world. They don’t like being hidden, as they can’t “protect” Otto or the baby like that, so that’s already a strike. Everything is so loud and they’re walking past places that smell strong enough to make Otto nauseous, and then he’s recognized. Someone who remembers Doc Ock’s rampage from years ago starts to freak and take pictures, screaming at him as others begin to join in the panic. Otto tries to get away as subtly as possible but it completely fails, and after one person tries to grab at him, pulling his coat back enough to expose his bump, it’s too far for the actuators ignore. They take control, grabbing things and throwing them to get people away from Otto, carrying him away from the group and frantically trying to get him elsewhere. Otto is shouting at them to stop, to insist he’s fine, but his own panicked energy is adding to their run on his subconscious, making things worse. And then they end up somewhere dangerous; maybe not the same bridge, but some NYC landmark where the actuators are doing a lot of damage and Spider-Man arrives to stop him. Initially, Peter is worried that his chip wore out and he’s ready to restrain Doc Ock again if needed, but the actuators seem more wild than less time, and Otto seems more frantic. He’s being less measured with Peter and is screaming at him to get back, that he’s “upsetting them”.

“I will handle this!” He’s trying to be heard over people screaming and materials crumbling while also speaking to the actuators, keeping his tone as calm as he can manage.

As all this is happening, Peter can see Otto’s coat open and he definitely doesn’t look the same as last time. His hand as pressed to his stomach, which has gotten… rounder? Not to say- he’s getting distracted. He still tries to get closer, maybe to help and remind Otto of who he is, asking what’s going on, but the actuators still think he’s a threat and go to grab him before he jumps away, pitching Otto forward before he’s prepared. He’s so annoyed with this mess and being yanked around in it and feels like shit. So, as you’ve said, he’s shouts that he’s pregnant, alright? Now back the hell off!

Peter immediately becomes more worried then and tries to help calm them down, taking his mask off (once they’re sure no one is on the scene), trying to remind them of who he is. And it succeeds (which speaks to a whole other matter of Otto not having told his Peter yet). The actuators calm down and Otto is able to take control again. I’m just imagining a very quiet scene in which Otto seems to carefully return to himself and calmly walks to another part of the space when Peter hesitantly goes to him to talk. He just holds up a hand to quiet him before promptly getting sick (because yeah, he’s far enough along that his morning sickness has started to wear off, but the fact remains that it’s still present, and he was just dragged through several miles of New York like he was on a roller coaster). When he’s done, Peter makes some awkward comments about him glowing that earns him a scowl before launching into his apologies and questions and excited exclamations, along with concerns about why he’s here. And it just builds from there.

[simpingforthisonedeer]

"Our Sunset"

Julius Novachrono x GN!Reader

1257 words

Notes: I was thinking of this fic in another fandom where one of the characters makes drinks in her bar that are not your average everyday drinks. They are drinks that taste like concepts, like feelings or memories and I just thought of using Julius’s bartending skills to make magic in a glass and make one for the reader and it got real angsty but enjoy😎💕

Julius passed his new experimental drinks around with a grin as his squad let out a raucous cheer. You leaned on the wall, further away from the rest, keeping an eye out for trouble. As the vice captain of the best yet the rowdiest squad amongst the magic knights, you needed to make sure nobody went too far during these squad parties.

Sometimes you needed to keep even the captain in line...Ah, who were you kidding? You needed to keep the captain in line all the time.

You took a deep breath and sighed.

It was a very exhausting job but it was very rewarding. To protect the kingdom, to keep the peace, to bring a smile on people's faces, relieved that they will be alright...there is no job better than this.

Your gaze landed on Julius with an affectionate smile.

And no one did it better than Captain Julius Novachrono, Wizard King to-be.

You were looking down, lost in your own thoughts about the future when Julius teleported next to your side. You tensed slightly at the sudden movement before relaxing. He handed you a drink as he wore a mischievous grin.

"Did I get you?"

"No," you deadpanned. He had always tried to jump you or catch you off guard since you two were younger but you stubbornly learned how to sense his speed and presence just so you could win this little game between you two. It was the sole reason why you could even challenge Julius.

"Aw, I'll get you next time," he said, like always. You two laughed good-naturedly as you clinked your glasses together and you took a moment to observe the drink as he took a sip from his own.

You stared, entranced by the cool colors bleeding into the warm ones as silver flecks blinked in and out of existence.

"I call it, 'Our Sunset.'" Your eyes met his as a proud smile crept up his face at your impressed look.

Julius often made drinks that were conventionally made from alchohol and they would taste amazing. But sometimes, just sometimes, he would make these mysterious drinks that tasted vividly like ideas, emotions, and memories. They were undescribable drinks that could only be described by the concepts they exemplify.

"'Our...Sunset?'" You asked out loud, wondering what it would make you relive.

Julius nodded and pointed at the window next to you as he looped his arm through your's and lead you closer.

"It's something we all see and experience which is where the 'Our' comes from and because it looks like a sunset." He explained as he raised his glass high out the window as he squinted at it through one eye. You assumed it was to align the colors of the drink with the sky. "And...I hope it tastes like a sunset too..."

He watched carefully as you brought the rim of the glass up to your lips, secretly waiting for your approval.

You took a big gulp, intent on feeling all that the drink had to offer, and boy did you feel it.

You felt a breeze that wasn't there as warmth blanketed you like a lingering hug before it vanished, leaving you a little cold. It felt like the end of something good in your life. Like the loss of something you weren't ready to let go.

The first thing that came to your mind was Julius. Tears welled up unwillingly and you let them run their course with a defeated smile. He only had his eyes on the top. He will leave you with the burden of captainship and...leave you. Your mind couldn't go past that. He will leave you and that was the end of it. The end of your warmth.

"Hey, why are you crying?" Julius cradled your face in his hands as his thumb brushed your tears away.

You hated it. You hated it when he loved you, when he cared for you, because one day, you will wake up and you won't be there to feel his presence, his love, his warmth.

"Was it that bad?" He joked. Everyone in the room had already left a while ago when they noticed that their captain and vice captain were sharing a moment. Your squad hoped that with enough private moments, you two would stop hurting yourselves and confess already.

You and Julius have been close friends since you were children and your relationship blurred all lines of convention. Some percieved you two as friends, some as lovers,  and sometimes, despite your private discomfort, as siblings.

Nobody knew where it began or ended and if you and Julius were being honest, neither did you two.

"No, it was good," you answered at last. "It was perfect."

"So, what did it taste like?" He let his hands fall.

"It tasted like the end..." You focused your eyes on the setting sun. "And I hate it."

"Well, doesn't it taste like more?" Julius implored as he took your hands in his, making you look up at him in confusion.

"More?"

"Don't you feel the warmth in the aftertaste?"

The warmth...yes, you were warm but that was because Julius was here, not because of—Oh.

This was induced by the drink, not the natural warmth that Julius brings you.

"What end did you think of when you drank it?"

You stared at him for a moment, contemplative, before you realized it was useless hiding from your oldest friend.

"You."

"Me?"

"You, gone." Tears blurred your vision. "That was the end."

"What do you mean? I will always be there." He pulled you into a tight hug with an exasperated sigh. "It's pretty tough to kill me, you know?"

You silently shook in his grasp.

"I mean, when you go away to become Wizard King."

Julius pulled back to look at you. He knew you weren't afraid to stand in his shadow. In fact, you argued with those that compared you two, "What shadow? I am standing in his light and that is enough."

"Don't leave me," you choked out.

Julius was distraught. He had to leave you. He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. Maybe there’s a way.

"Do you want to be Captain?"

"I don't care for the position. I just want to help you realize your hopes and dreams for this godforsaken kingdom."

"Our hopes and dreams."

“Yes,” You conceded with a weary smile and wiped your tears with a sniffle. “Ours.”

He smiled nervously as he scratched the side of his head in a cute gesture.

“Then,” he looked away. “Would you like to come work with me as an advisor?”

You stared, wide-eyed. You’ve wanted the position but Julius had never offered it to you and now? You didn’t want his pity.

“Isn’t Marx going to be one?”

He pulled you close by your waist with an intimacy only life-long friends share.

“Yes, but he will need some help. I had never asked you because I thought perhaps you should be recognized for your efforts once you become captain but if you don’t particularly care for it...” He lowered his head with uncharacteristic shyness. “I want you to stay by my side...And never leave...”

You couldn’t even properly comprehend the relief that flooded you. It was nearly euphoric. Yes, an end was coming, but so was a new dawn, a new day, a new chapter in your life with Julius by your side.

You pressed your forehead against his with a content smile.

“I would like that.”

Notes: AAAAAAAAAAAAA I was going to write soooooooooooooooo much more but I had to stop myself. But I ofc couldn’t stop myself from soft julius at the end alksdjlsa. I swear I’m doing fine but a nice idea about magic kinda devolved into angst i apologize 😅🙏

[btsandvmin]

Do you think any of the bts members are part of the lgbtq+ community? I assume you think vmin are, what makes you think that? I kinda feel like jimin could be bi... while tae gay maybe? And Yoongi could be bi as well. Tbh they all kinda give off gay vibes, but I guess it's bc of the cultural difference and bc they are all so close... so they may do things that seem a lot to many people but not to them... so who knows? A lot could be fan service too. But Namjoon and Jin are the ones who definitely give me straight vibes (Jin a bit less tho). What do you think?

I think there might be members that are LGBT+, but of course that’s just based on how I percieve things. I apologize in advance for this answer being a bit messy... As you say there are many things that make such speculation difficult.

Honestly putting definite labels on someone is not something I really want to or think we can do... Sometimes the members do things that might indicate interest in various genders, but that’s still too vague to define a sexuality for me. Unless they say something themselves, I don’t think we can know. 

I mean, even assuming someone you know is LGBT+ is gay, pan, bi etc. with a specific label without them having told you is so common and can even lead to mislabeling someone. One obvious example is how bi-erasure makes someone go from straight to being gay when they start dating someone of the same gender etc. There are so many types of sexualites and gender expressions to begin with. Some don’t even accociate with a label at all. For example I personally think Namjoon seems to be attracted to women, but even if that is a correct guess it doesn’t have to mean he is straight. 

It’s very complicated, at least for me, to dive too deep into it with anything except “hunches or guesses” based on behavior and actions. This becomes even more complicated when we add difference in culture, idol fanservice, personal comfortableness with intimacy, level or homophobia or supportive people around them and personal experience etc. 

BTS likely can’t even be honest with their sexualities if they are LGBT+ and that makes it even more difficult to know depending on if they even want to show that part of themselves or not. Internalized homobhobia can be very strong, even though I suspect BTS being more and more open towards LGBT+ might help if members are non straight. And we still don’t know anything about how their families or friends would react etc. Not to mention we know a lot of fans would hate them and leave them if they ever proved to definitely be non straight. So them hiding being LGBT is obviously going to make it more difficult to guess if any member might be LGBT+, if they on purpse try to not show it. For example saying some things are not for men to do, or being careful with how they come across. Something I personally think Jimin for example might have done more in the past, as he is aware how he can fit into a lot of stereotypes for what is “gay” or feminine. The same goes for Hobi who can be very flamboyant. And while these things can be an indication for sexuality or gender identity they don’t have to be. Especially not when idols even get encouraged at times to act or more “delicate or feminine” or do fanservice with the same sex etc. There are a lot of blurred lines, and those lines can be a bit fluid as well...

There are also soooo many colors of the rainbow that I don’t think it’s weird for a lot of idols to be part of the community in some ways, even if they might never openly be so. Some might also be allies, some might be curious or unsure about themselves and some might be in straight up denial as well.

So, I rather just guess if they might be LGBT+ than what exact label, because going in to detail is so personal and different from person to person.

I also want to say again, that “straight until proven otherwise” honestly needs to go away, and assuming someone is straight is a toxic way to assume sexuality. Not to mention it’s much more harmful to shut down conversations about them possibly being LGBT+ than mistaking a straight person for possibly LGBT+. A LGBT+ person might have no choice to hide (very likely in the case of idols), so showing we are open and supportive no matter what is what matters the most.

That being said I feel it’s very very likely at least some members are LGBTQ+ if not for anything else than comments like “when we don’t have boyfriends or girlfriends” from Namjoon and other moments like it, in combination with their support for the community. At the very least they are allies.

Personally the way some members involve themselves in LGBT+ culture in various ways I see as something to more likely happen when you are part of the community yourself and not just an ally. But BTS having the influence they have of course it could all also be meant to be inclusive and show support as they have for various causes. That’s why it all still remains uncertain.

I will make a more articulate section on Taehyung and Jimin’s possibly being LGBT+ in my bigger analysis. But I will try to summarize a little bit of my thoughts in this answer and hope that it all makes sense.

Big Hit in general and in particular Bang PD seem to be pretty open and LGBT+ friendly. Many concepts of Big Hit artists can have LGBT+ subtext. It’s not always explicit, but something many rainbow ARMY might pick up on, like the storyline between JK and Yoongi in the BU. For example reading Demian which the whole BST era is based on I personally see a lot of LGBT+ subtext in that book (which is then also fitting with other things we know about Hermann Hesse’s life). But a lot of people won’t pick up on it and we can’t know for sure because no one ever explicitly says it is meant to be LGBT+.

Many BTS members support LGBT+ artists, it doesn’t have to be because of them being LGBT+ but it wouldn’t be odd for them to search for representation and artists to relate to if they are LGBT+ themselves. Mostly we have seen Tae, Namjoon and JK being more “loud” witht their support for LGBT+ artists, songs, movies, books etc.

Namjoon, Tae and JK have all expressed support in various ways directly to LGBT+ fans that have showed up to fansites.

Members like Yoongi has straight up said it’s nothing wrong, everyone is equal, when Namjoon was a bit more “diplomatical” and tried to swerve the question a bit. Both could still be LGBT+, and both could be allies, even with very different reactions.

I think all members have their moments to show LGBT+ support, and all members have “questionable moments” that makes people speculate about their sexualities. For me Tae, Namjoon, Yoongi and JK seem to be the most open about support or showing interesting in LGBT+ things. But that can also have to do with their personalities, or even feeling less scared to show support.  In some cases it might even be easier for an ally to speak up for someone LGBT+ when they can’t themselves, as in a closeting situation.

I know you asked about all members, but I want to be honest and say that while I do know a bit about all of them, I do know a lot more about some members than others. I am also kind of sitting here and aren’t sure I can say more than I think all of BTS are allies, and that it seems likely at least some members are LGBT+. I have seen small things from basically all members, but I haven’t seen enough to lean heavily towards any particular sexuality. So, while I am sharing my thoughts here they can sway back an forth a lot and can very much just be based on misinterpretation. It can also be difficult to put a definite reason to why I react more to some members doing similar things.

Based on actions alone, because I try not to bring in vibes, I guess the short summary would be:

Jin - Has talked the most about wanting a girlfriend, and while he has said things like his celeberity crush is Brad Pitt I haven’t seen a lot with him in regards to LGBT+. To me less likely to be LGBT+.

Yoongi - Has been very firm with being supportive of LGBT+ and has had both lyrics and interviews that could be interpreted as gender not being important to him in general. Doesn’t show a lot, but the things he does say seem very pointed and deliberate. To me more likely to be LGBT+.

Namjoon - Has been the loudest since the earliest with his support for LGBT+. Wrote LGBT+ lyrics for Glam but also very sexual lyrics about women in early songs. Has talked about queer culture a lot and while he seems careful at times has expressed a lot of open support. Enjoys a lot of queer culture and has recomended movies, songs and books. Has showed more personal interest towards women, but seem very interested in LGBT+. Definitely an ally, likely into women, but also very possibly into other genders. To me more somewhere “in the middle” or more likely LGBT+.

Hobi - Has done subtle things like wearing rainbow belts during pride, but seemed to start being more LGBT+ supportive when all of BTS did so. Could possibly be non straight or also just very comfortable with himself and an ally. (He has “effiminate or flamboyant” behavior but I don’t want to lean too much into that.) Buuuut he also accidentally said stuff like “boyfriend”. To me “somewhere in the middle”, or more likely to be LGBT+.

JK - Seem to avoid questions about women/crushes and sometimes even answering with men (Like Namjoon or Ironman). Is the most “feminine” according to members (though that was a while ago) and is very open to expressing things in a gender neutral way. The member who has said the least in regards to masculine stereotypes like “men should” and also one of the members who is the loudest about LGBT+ artists. Also having done covers by LGBT+ artists without changing pronouns. To me more likely to be LGBT+.

I am fully aware I just basically said I think almost all members are likely to be LGBT+. But I really try to just look at them as individuals. It’s also as I said much more difficult for me to be able to truly know their thoughts in regards to LGBT+ based on such limited information as the subject in itself is partly taboo. It’s also possible with such a close knit group that if some members are LGBT+ that will affect and make other members more open as well. Basically the way BTS express support doesn’t have to be personal for all of them.

However, despite it all I think Taehyung is the member who seems to be the “most loud” in a personal way when it comes to LGBT+ (and also Yoongi). For me it makes sense with their personalities and how they are outspoken in general for something they believe in. @romanticdrift​ recently answered an ask (HERE) with a lot of good points, and in particular when it comes to Taehyung’s possible sexuality. This is why I feel Jin who also is quite outspoken in general but haven’t talked a lot (at least not to my knowledge) about LGBT+ things feel more like an ally in comparison. 

For me there are many things about Taehyung over the years I can’t help but think of when it comes to LGBT+ and have given me reason to wonder about Taehyung himself being part of the community. Especially when putting them all together it seems to be something important to him.

Talking about many things and people from queer culture. Not just enjoying them but sharing it with fans.

Singing songs like Stigma about being a sinner for something you can’t help or change. Many of Taehyung’s songs many LGBT+ fans relate to.

The reference to the gay movie “Moonlight” in a self written song, and most of Tae’s songs being gender neutrual. (All except Winter Bear).

The meaning of the color purple as the last color of the rainbow.

Saying “thank you” to fans with a pride flag at a concert.

Since early on having no problem with crossdressing or other things that might “look gay” (there are also moments where he has objected like “men don’t do...” as most BTS members have). But we also have things like randomly doing roleplay where he can’t be together with Jimin. I mention this because it wasn’t for a camera, but something Jin told us.

Talking about the reason for his Christmas song not being with Jimin. The fact that he highlighted the reason as the lyrics not fitting two men and going on to say he doesn’t think he will ever release it. To me this is probably the most personal example where Tae seems bothered about something homophobic.

Basically there is something in the way Taehyung expresses his support that just seem more personal, and more tied to himself. He isn’t just loud with support ike some other members, he expresses things like he relates to it more openly.

For Jimin I think he is more difficult with actual examples of openly supporting or expressing things LGBT+. And it’s difficult looking at him without going into gender norms and falling into sterotype traps as well. I do think Jimin has changed a lot and as many other members wear a lot more gender neutrual clothes etc. If I make this about Vmin I would even say Jimin’s image properly seemed to become a bit more “soft” around the time Taehyung gave him the Gucci sweater, which was gender neutral. Think more Jimin in sweater paws and soft oversized clothes. 

It could also be an image change as Spring Day era definitely brought a lot of softer Jimin. However, I want to emphasis here that Jimin still to this day has a lot of styles and outfits that are also very masculine. And that many other members also wear gender neutral clothes. Not to mention that clothes can express things without being tied to sexuality or gender of the person who wears them.

For me I think it can be even more ambigious with clothes only because often we don’t know if they decided the clothes or if it was a choice by a stylist etc. And we know most members have worn gender neutral clothes or womens clothes, especially for performances or photoshoots. So personal clothes I see as of more importance. For example Yoongi wearing very limited edition Pro-LGBTQ+ shoes as his personal clothes (HERE).

Back to Jimin... I personally see Jimin as a very aware and careful person when it comes to how he is percieved in general. Thus if he is LGBT+ I think he unlike Taehyung would likely be more careful. So, Jimin showing less directly LGBT+ support might be a choice out of acting careful. No matter if he is LGBT+ himself or not. But it does make things more vague. But he also painted the symbol of bigender on himself, so.

The things I have noted except for his image over the years are fewer than with many other members, and I try to not to put too much weight on his looks and manners and “vibes”, even if those things can be because of him being LGBT+.

Jimin has sometimes acted a bit defensive about his sexuality/masculinity, but he has never denied the possibility of him liking men despite getting asked.

Jimin is a member who has perhaps the most (together with Tae and Hobi) showed a liking for fanservice between members. (Doesn’t have to show his sexuality, but could also be a place where he gets to express something he usually can’t).

Lie is a song about not showing your true self and hurting/being punished. Jimin has been very vague when speaking of the meaning of the song. It’s a song many LGBT+ fans also relate to.

Jimin is a naturally flirty person, and the flirting doesn’t seem to be limited to one gender. But, it doesn’t have to be flirting based on attraction.

The bigender symbol in the hero photoshoot and the Filter performance playing with gender identity.

In general, there is just a lot less direct things when it comes to Jimin and LGBT+. Which doesn’t surprise me considering his personality. There are moments of course, like liking LGBT+ artists like Kehlani or reacting to pride flags at concerts. But at least to me there is a lot less to actually analyze when it comes to Jimin and LGBT+ moments and that makes things more difficult. So, to me Jimin is probably someone I am more unsure of, which might be surprising to some of you, especially considering this is a Vmin blog. But because of Jimin’s personality and early reactions/behavior I also am not at all surprised if he is more careful on purpose, especially if he is LGBT+.

Interesting to me as a Vmin shipper is also that quite a few of Taehyung’s LGBT+ things could possibly be related to Jimin. For example the line from “Moonlight” in 4 o’clock or Tae asking if Jimin can “be the girlfriend” while roleplaying. Not to mention the Christmas song of course. But I don’t want to use things from Taehyung to try and guess about Jimin. Basically looking at only them as individuals Jimin is less likely to be LGBT+ than Tae, but I do still think the chance of both of them being queer is there.

And if I then dive into Vmin's behavior with each other assuming they are both queer, that might show some interesting things too. But that will always be based on the IF, not as proof for their sexualites.

So, that was my view... I have been asked about this quite a few times, and I hope this post made sense. I know it was long and messy, but that’s also because sexuality can be such a difficult topic.

Thanks for the ask. If you enjoyed this and want to support me you can like, reblogg, comment or check out my Ko-Fi page: https://ko-fi.com/K3K43433H

[pineapple-frostyfruits]

Okay, let's do something else. What if mercs found out that Y/N doubts themself? Like the way they look or what they do. Or they notice they aren't really confident with their work anymore.

(Oh ho ho did somebody not check URLs and determine reblogs from original posts? ~)

[I tease. But for you, yes, I'll do it anyway]

Scout: You could never really see it from the outside unless you knew what to look for, but Scout is very insecure. About his masculinity, about his capability at work, about his ability to even have a friend. To find out someone close to him - one person who he legitimately cares about and openly cares about him - to realise they doubt themselves and feel insecure too sometimes actually takes a weight off his shoulders. Even someone as amazing and wonderful as you could feel insecure or doubtful.

He spends his entire day, mid-fight or not, just chatting to you about what it is he finds hard to believe in himself with, and what you find hard to believe in yourself for, and you both get the silent solidarity of knowing someone understands - and will always be there for you.

Soldier: Soldier is confused at first. It didn't make sense to him. Someone as awesome as you? Feeling like they weren't amazing? But that's wrong! You are amazing! More amazing than a bald eagle flying through fireworks on a glorious American summer day! Who lied to you about how amazing you are? They will get a rocket to the face! And then a fist to their face! If any of their face is left!

You explain to him that it's just yourself, some memories here and there warping the perception you have of yourself so you could never really "see" yourself from the outside. So you assume the worst. He nods - he gets that, now - and he decides that whenever you seem down, he will start telling you exactly how he percieves you - every wonderful, glorious, blessed part of what he sees.

Pyro: Pyro sits you down at their tea party, gently placing a paper hat on your head before sitting down opposite you. They don't talk to balloonicorn or ask you to play, like they normally would, but instead they wait - watching you. They place their hands in their lap, and you can feel their hidden eyes looking directly at you. After a while, if you say nothing, they bring out a box - a box full of art supplies. They draw a picture of you - of your face - and then draw an "evil" version of you (its just you with huge black streaks under your eyes, greyer skin, and a big black cloak). They then point at you, give a thumbs up, then point at the evil version and shake their head.

They let you keep their drawings, and also promise you to draw a whole lot more, because they want to remind you that no matter what you don't believe in yourself for - no matter what you think you did wrong or what you're beating yourself up over - you do not try to have bad intentions, you are not a truly evil/bad person, and you are someone they - and the entire team - trust and care about. They will remind you about it every second of every day if they must.

Heavy: Heavy does not say anything at first - he quietly walks over to a table, sits down, and pulls out a chair for you to sit. If you do not take it, he trusts you to know your limits. You can sort yourself out, or come to him, whenever you need to. The choice is yours. If you do sit with him ... he quietly asks you what is wrong. He then waits for a reply - and if you deflect he will simply shake his head or say "no." If you want more of a reply, tell him. Tell him what makes you upset, what you doubt in yourself. He's listening to you for a reason.

Heavy will place a hand on your back [nearly covering all of it], and will tell you that "You are strong. You see Heavy's muscles - I can lift many thing - but you are best kind of strong. Strong in heart. It is a strong that Heavy had to learn - is not easy. Yet you are strong, you keep going. You are best kind of strong - keep doing your best. Is not easy, fighting inside mind is hard. But you make it this far already, da? No point giving in to the lies of your mind now. Keep being strong - if gives Heavy something to look up to. And he will always - always help however you need."

Engineer: Engie stops what he's doing, smiling softly and kindly, as you walk past him after he finds out about how you're feeling. He saw you earlier, when he was busy with something else, and he realised just what was going on with you. Now, later, he put down his wrench and his work outfit, and gently called out your name, asking you to come talk with him, please. He will keep politely prodding you to talk to him until you actually talk to him - or at least someone else - about how you're doing. If/when you come to him, he will be relatively quiet, but still brimming with his politeness and southern hospitality.

He'll softly ask what seems to have you down - he may know you're upset, but he would like to hear why from you, not just assuming. After you tell him what it is, no matter what it is, he'll nod softly, tapping his gloved hand against the bench or wall he's closest to. He'll talk about how your insecurities don't define you, how you're a wonderful person, someone he's glad he met here, and how no matter what you may think you're like, the team knows you. He knows you. And if you where half as bad as you thought, they'd tell you. You're a good person - and good is more than enough.

Demo: He's the second most outright, besides soldier. He'll ask you straight up if anything is wrong, what he can do. He has a very serious expression on his face, but it softens when you quietly tell him it's to do with self-esteem and doubting yourself. He'll pull you in for a strong, warm hug [if you don't like hugs he'll simply pat your back or nudge you gently with his shoulder]. He's going to comfort you for the rest of the day - just gently pampering you so you know how much he loves and respects you.

If you're not feeling better by that night, he'll have a serious - but not harsh - talk with you about how/why you're feeling like that, and discussing how he relates and can help, or anecdotes that put the situation in new light so its easier to care for yourself. It's the best way he knows how to offer comfort and advice - and for you, its less trouble than taking a breath to him.

Sniper: Sniper is his usual self - that is to say, quiet and socially anxious. He'd much rather just using a letter or a phone call to try and talk about issues. Seeing your face, watching you possibly cry, it's too much for him. He can't. But after half a day or so of knowing you're off about something, it becomes too unbearable and he has to help or he'll explode, he bets. He quietly slips you a note, or walks past you and murmers just loud enough to hear - either way, he asks you to visit him at his camper after the match.

Once you're there, he offers to help you get up on the roof - where you find a pile of pillows and blankets and a citronella candle. He lights the candle and invites you down to stargaze with him, watching the desert sky - and while he doesn't have to look you in the eye, he begins to tell you how important you are, how he's always so starstruck by the things you do, how sometimes he wishes he was more like you. After he feels the blood rush to his cheeks, he stops talking and hides his face, clearing his throat before suggesting you both go back to stargazing.

Medic: Medic would comment to you that he knows something is off - he won't stop what he's doing, he'll just keep up his schedule whilst he casually encourages you to tell him. The moment you let up - and he will not stop pestering you until you do - he will scoff at the notion and tell you that you're wrong. Just straight up saying that you're very clearly not as bad as you think, and anyone can see that. It's obvious you're an amazing, attractive, intelligent and skilled person. He's seen literally every part of you, inside and out! He should know! If you're still insecure about it, though ... he'll sit down, stop working [for once] and he'll talk with you about it.

He may occasionally be brash, or not mince words when commenting on what you say, but he genuinely means it from a place of goodwill. If anyone else ever said the things you thought about yourself, he wouldn't hesitate to correct them and fight them if they kept being an asshole. He has to remind himself that is you saying this, and not you repeating what someone else said. Once he's gone through it with you, counterpointing your issues with yourself until you had no more you could think of, he smiles softly and asks if you'd like to feed Archimedes with him. He'd be happy to let two of his favourite living creatures interact - and hopefully it would let him dote on both of you at once.

Spy: Spy stiffens slightly at the idea of talking to you. He knows he should, that it would make things easier, but ... he has a habit of running from difficult scenarios. Even basic consoling is strange and "dangerous" to him. However ... you're important to him. You're a good person, and he wants to stop running ... what better way to start sticking with things than comforting you?

He's awkward, at best. He, for once, doesn't know what to say. He offers you something you like - be it a drink he's seen you go out of your way to buy, a food item, a trinket - just something to break the ice. If you're willing to talk more than 3 words, then he'll relax a little, and occasionally the two of you will switch between talking about ... anything. Anything that could take your mind off of doubts and bring more to light the good parts of you - god knows theres more of those in you than in him. It ends up being quite cathatic, and he suggests doing it more. No matter what you decide, he understands - and he's happy he could "help" any way he could.