#the logistics of their relationship are dear to me

[eatmy-customjorts]

Cute couple idea turns into VENGEANCE

[buttdumplin]

For my dear sweet 🌙 anon, who asked for a piece in which transmasc reader clarifies his pronouns with the boys.

cw: poly!141 x transmasc!reader, established relationship, complex gender feelings, comfort

word count: 1070

It’s in the kitchen that you gather the courage, “Can we try something?”

Four heads turn to you, sandwich assembly line quickly forgotten. Maybe this wasn’t the best moment to speak up, your tummy is grumbling already. But you’ve started, so you should see it through. 

“Good god, keep your pants on. This is serious,” you say, voice growing quiet, “And about me.”

The boys swarm around you, eyes burning and ready. Sitting at the table was supposed to let you watch them as they work on lunch, but their looming turns it almost ominous. The sounds of you cracking your fingers, which you tend to do when you’re nervous, does not go unnoticed. 

Johnny chuckles, trying to keep the mood light, “Maybe shoulda phrased it a little differently, love.”

It took you forever to find the right dining table, one big enough to fit all of you and your plates. Days and weeks turned months as you scoured for the perfect one. But as they take their seats, it feels too small. The air is tight. 

“Do you guys remember that talk we had? About gender and me maybe not feeling wholly like a woman?”

They lean towards you, further dwarfing the table, waiting for you to continue. Your belly feels like it’s boiling, tumbling with nerves. That conversation went well, so surely this one will too, right?  If you take the time to look up at them, you’ll see their soft expressions. Simon hunches, blatantly trying to make himself smaller, as if wanting to create space for you to speak. Kind grins adorn Johnny and Kyle’s faces, remembering the conversation well and trying to be encouraging. John just looks proud. Silence breaks as you take a deep breath.

“I think I’m a guy,” you whisper. 

Smiles spread, bodies still, waiting for more. 

“I’m a guy,” you say louder, their grins coaxing yours out.

Kyle takes your hand in his, squeezing gently, “Watch out lads, I’ve got a boyfriend.”

What starts as a giggle soon overwhelms you, turning into a deep belly laugh and running tears down your cheeks. You cling hard to Kyle’s hand, wiping your face a little sloppy. It’s your first time saying it out loud, and there’s no way you could have predicted how fucking euphoric it would be. A spark’s been lit inside your chest, and you think that this must be what true happiness is. It feels so right, and Kyle’s immediate claim fuels you. Another deep sigh steadies you. The hard part is not quite over.

“I hope this doesn’t…” the words come out slowly, “Doesn’t change anything.” Your hand moves in a wide circle, gesturing at each of you.

Their bodies stiffen, caught off guard. Of everything you could have said, that was not what they expected. Worry melts their posture and brings their shoulders down to droop. John and Kyle exchange glances, failure written on their faces. If they’ve left room for this concern, they’ve clearly done something wrong. Johnny cocks his head, confused because why would that be a question? 

When Simon speaks, he almost sounds exasperated, “We’re all men.”

“Yeah, but-”

“All men,” he cuts you off, eyes locked on yours, challenging you to try again. “Boyfriends, like Kyle said.”

“Boyfriends,” you repeat, grin back in place. 

“Get to confuse the cashier at the grocery even more now,” he winks, relieved to see you smiling again. 

A calm silence settles the room again and easy breathing can be heard from all of you. The sinking pressure is lifted from you, letting you bask in the moment. Everything is okay. Your world didn’t crumble. Boyfriends, they said. Sweat threatens to slip your hand from Kyles, making his grip tighten. The pride on John’s face is loud, his dimples growing more pronounced. Johnny drops his chin into his hands, elbows on the table, an impishness about him.

“Logistics,” he says, “Pronouns, please?”

“He/him,” your voice shy.

He cups his ear, “What? Didn’t catch that.”

“He/him,” you say, fullbodied.

Under the table, he squeezes your knee with support. If you weren’t sitting, you’d be squeezing the life outta them, cracking their backs with the force of your hugs. They didn’t even fucking take a beat to respond, they were so immediately onboard. Darling boys continue to bring warmth into your life, erasing your doubts. Though truthfully, it was the possibility of losing them that you were most scared about.

“Terms?” John asks. 

You hesitate to respond, not having gotten quite this far just yet.

“Sweet boy?” he prompts.

Hearing it makes you gasp, your eyes widening and face burning. It hits sweet in your chest and the pleasure of it is visible. It’s the only confirmation John needs. Easing back into his chair, he crosses his arm with sweet satisfaction. The rest of the boys smirk, taking note, minds filling with more ideas.

Kyle has to clear his throat, and thoughts, before he speaks again, “Who do you want to include in this? How do you want to navigate it?”

“I’ve already told my doctors and it’s in my file,” you say proudly, and Johnny answers with excited whooping.

“He/him pronouns in public?” Kyle continues.

“Yes, please,” you eye your guard dogs. The four of them beam, chests swelling from knowing you have so much faith in their abilities to protect you, to keep you safe. 

“Please tell us if there’s ever a situation in which you don’t feel safe doing so. We play by your word,” he swears.

You nod in response, his words spreading a new and lovely warmth through your body. They must have done some homework after that initial conversation, always wanting to be prepared. And it couldn’t be more fucking soothing. Air returns to the room, bringing in levity once more.

“Lovely lads all around,” Johnny looks at each of you, wicked joy painting his face, “What a lucky bastard I am.”

His toothy smile is infectious, catching the rest of you until your faces hurt from mirth. Of course they were amazing with this, they’ve put so much work into maintaining this relationship. All those late nights working through clarifications, the probing answers and check-ins. And they’re doing the same thing now, meeting you head on. And eager to boot. Sweet boys stay sweet. 

“Well,” you say, giggles bubbling from your lips, “Your boyfriend is hungry, so yall best get lunch done.”

[talesfromlissom]

BASELINE URGES // TFA! MEGATRON X READER // NSFW/VALVEPLUG WARNING

SUMMARY - The Allspark gives Megatron a gestation chamber, which warframes are not supposed to have. He’s going to break your array at this rate. 

WARNINGS/TAGS - Valveplug, Megatron being an asshole, is it a breeding kink if 'god' told you to make babies??

“Put a sparkling into my gestation chamber or so help me, Primus,  I will throw your offlined frame out of the closest airlock.”

Silence crept between you, and your mouth opened, closed, and opened again. Your face scrunches up, hands resting at your hips while you lean forward a bit, “Yes, hello (Y/N). How have you been since I’ve been dead for the past 50 years, my sweet…loving…beautiful conjunx–” “Kiss me.” “No. Where in the pits have you been?!” You exclaim. “Everyone thought you were dead for the past 50 years, then you show up, and the first thing you tell me is that you want a damn bitlet?!” 

Megatron’s face twists, his optics narrowing as a low growl emits from his throat, “Stop being foolish. We can have a conversation about logistics later. All you need to know is that I’m back, and I want an heir.” 

“You’re such an aft.” And then you kiss him with anything but gentleness. It was rough, demanding, and Megatron wasn’t entirely sure what else, but you were also so damn angry. He could feel the hot rage dripping off of your frame as your EM field slammed against his own. It's like a thousand tiny knives, but he doesn’t care. You're shoving him into the wall, and apparently, you’re not pissed enough to say no to fragging him within half of a processor. At this point he feels as if this is more something you’re doing out of annoyance rather than actually wanting to make a damn sparkling, “Dolt, frag me already.” He mutters half-heartedly and kisses you again. 

You aren’t even surprised when Megatron wraps his legs around your waist, arms grasping at your shoulders. You yelp when he suddenly chomps down on your glossa, head wrenching back and baring your teeth, “Don’t bite me,” You snap, wagging a finger at him as if he were a child. “Be patient.” You kiss him again. “And I don’t think you’d offline me anyways; you’d miss me too much.” 

Megatron clicks his teeth at this, grinding his pelvis into your own with a toothy grin. His HUD is already alerting him of his lubrication sequence starting, his cooling fans working over maximum velocity, and a random message from Shockwave that he ignores. Your frame is hot to the touch, scalding even, and yet neither of you seems to care despite the air in the closet already starting to heat up. 

“I’d miss your array, but do not worry, dear,” He muses, leaning his head into your neck, nibbling on cables and energon lines.”I’d cut it from your corpse and put it to good use.” 

You stop your movement, staring down at him with a wrinkled faceplate. You trip over your own words, mouth opening and closing a few times before you shake your head, “There’s something seriously wrong with you.” Megatron rolls his optics before his modesty plating snaps back, valve already slick, but he doesn’t hold back the grunt when you unceremoniously shove two fingers inside of him, scissoring him open. Not that much preparation was needed; he knew you were coming long before you yourself did, “And yet you decided to become my conjunx endura, so I believe there is something seriously wrong with you, my dear–” He growls lowly when your fingers hit his interior node, face scrunching up. 

“Don’t growl at me with my digits inside of you,” You grumble, eyes narrowing to look down at his pinched expression. “I think you’re supposed to say ‘thank you’.” 

“I’ll do as I please, you pompous aft!” Megatron snaps, but he doesn’t push you off either, not that he would anyway. You hit that spot again; his back arches, and a low moan leaves his lips. “You–!” 

His claws dig into your shoulders, and you know fairly well that your fellow Decepticons will ask you many questions. Your relationship was no secret at this point, though. He squirms in your grip, especially since your digits keep hitting that spot, “You little minx,” Megatron rasps, calipers clenching down on your fingers. “You’re doing–doing that on purpose!” 

“Maybe.” You muse, feeling your armor starting to dent under how harshly his hands are grasping at you. You’ll have claw marks on your back at this rate, but you’ll wear them with pride. At least for two hours before Megatron gets embarrassed and orders you to buff your frame. “Stop squirming; how are we gonna make a sparkling if you keep squirming?” The question is mostly just you thinking out loud. Megatron is squirming because he’s enjoying it. He’s arching his back, biting down on your shoulder, plating to muffle his noises. He doesn’t bottom often, but when he does, it's always something that you save to your hard drives for…other things. Of course, you’d never tell him that. You’re sure he’d be flattered to know that you jerk off to him, but he’d probably also be pissed that you’re pleasuring yourself without him there. He’s jealous of your own hand, apparently. 

You waste no time in prepping him, pulling your digits out, which have become coated in a thin layer of pink lubricant. You wipe your fingers on your thigh, lifting Megatron’s valve above your waiting spike. It’s pulsing, pre-fluid forming at its tip while it twitches. You feel Megatron shiver when he sinks down, just an inch at first. 

His chest is heaving, a loud gasp leaving his lips when gravity takes hold. His back arches, and he can’t help it either. This is his first time in a long time. But your spike is hitting all the right places, his calipers are expanding, his HUD is lighting up, and his frame just wants more more more—

“Megatron?” You blurt out, grunting when Megatron’s hips buck, trying to take more of your length. He feels so good around your spike, so familiar and so damn warm. 

Megatron can feel the burn from so many nodes firing off at once, and he grits his teeth, hands trying to push you down while his face flushes, “Give me control,” He pants, and you can’t bite back a frown. Not this again. “I am the–the lord of the Decepticons-” Megatron grabs your jaw, yanking your head down to look him in the eyes, “You’re making me—I look like a fragging fool.” 

“Oh, for primus sake–?!” You go to say before he pushes himself off of the wall. Your back hits the floor, and Megatron doesn’t even get the chance to lift his hips up in a sorry attempt to ride you. You roll to the side. You know damn well that he’s adjusted to your spike if he’s doing this, and you waste no time to start jerking your hips. 

You don’t say anything; the closet is filled with downright lewd-sounding squelches, cooling fans, your own breaths, and the various annoyed bleats that fall from Megatron’s mouth. You can’t help but lift his legs up, knees slapping against his shoulders. You drive your spike deeper into his valve, and you can feel the seal of Megatron’s gestation chamber hitting your tip. Not that it matters; it’s getting dissolved anyway, “You wanted a sparkling, didn’t you?”

Megatron just groans, head rolling to the side while his face twists in pleasure. His cooling fans are stuttering with how hot his frame is, and he’s almost tempted to shout at you again. The pressure builds up, and when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is a meek-sounding whimper. He pants, chest rising and falling, his optics screwed shut while his fingers dig into the metal floor beneath his frame. He goes to say something else, but he just moans again. 

You’re seconds from overload at this rate, and if Megatron keeps clenching down on your length, it might happen sooner rather than later. Megatron lets out a mixture of a yell and a moan, valve clenching down as his overload travels across his frame. Your hand slaps onto his mouth when you hear voices down the hallway, and his own hand grips at your arm. You’re still fucking him through it, soft, jack rabbit-like thrusts; you grit your teeth, forehead resting on his shoulder when your own overload hits. Transfluid coating Megatron’s insides, all that Megatron does is groan quietly before he shoves your hand off of his mouth. 

“A warning could have been nice,” Megatron muses. “I sincerely hope that this works. We can try–what are you doing?” 

You aren’t really surprised when you promptly pick Megatron up and he doesn’t even try to struggle. Megatron's breath was labored still, valve twitching, along with various other parts of his frame. 

“I am taking you back to your quarters. We’re going to take a bath, and then we’re going to talk,” you reply. “About the sparkling?” “About everything.” 

“No. I’m tired.” 

The second that you enter his quarters, he’s already gone into an angry ramble about some planet called Earth. You find that you hate it just as much as he does. And once that ramble is done, he demands you two interface again. And again, and again. 

By the fourth round, he can’t even move, and you’re purring into his neck for a few moments before muttering, “Did you miss me, or is this really just about having an heir?” “An heir,” He huffs, though when he turns his head away and scrunches his face up, a telltale sign that he’s lying. He doesn’t do it around anyone normally, but he’s exhausted, it seems. “Nothing else. Again.” 

“Dear, you’re going to break my spike.” 

“Okay? Get a new one. Again.” 

You just sigh but move between his thighs once more, regardless. You’re not really complaining anyway. You’ll yell at him for being his usual self later. 

WORD COUNT - 1.6K

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A/N - I have many thoughts about TFA Megatron + warframes being built without gestation chambers but the Allspark is like: LOL go make some babies and calm down loser <3, and Megatron’s just: ??????!!!!. The only victim here is your dick tho. 

[tr4ilbl4zing-st4r]

Serenity | JingYuan x reader

《 350 words , Jing Yuan x gn!reader , established (secret?) relationship , heavily inspired by where i was sat while writing this dont question the logistics , no y/n 》

You weren't sure how the general had kept it hidden from you, being his lover you presumed you knew everything about where he lived. Nevertheless, as he led you, hand in hand, through the gate, you realized you hadn't been here before. How he had a whole.. garden, on a sky ship confused you but you didn't ask. The two of you continued down a delightfully green hill, little yellow and pink flowers dotted in the greenery.

After a minute's walk, you came to a riverbank. The river was a shimmering, beautiful shade of mixed blues and greens. You could see dragonflies flying around it, and when you reached out, one landed on your hand.

"Hm, it seems to like you, dear." The general smiled, his voice gentle and kind. You let the dragonfly flutter away before leaning up to Jing Yuan and tucking his fringe away, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. He smiled down at you, and led you further away from the loudness of the rest of the Luofu, coming to a wooden swing, the perfect size for the two of you to sit together on it. It had roses and vines woven around the beams. He sat down, patting the seat next to him as you joined.

"This place.. why do you keep it secret?" You asked, voice low.

"Because, it's my thinking area. I come here to calm down, have a moment away from it all, do some gardening." He mused, with a slight shrug.

"Why bring me here, then?"

"We're always so.. secretive, about us. Here, we don't have to be."

You understood his point. Being a general, and having all of his 'fangirls', you both had agreed it would be better to not have your relationship be too public. It would draw a lot of stress to you both.

"It's so... beautiful." You whispered, looking out at the serene scenery with a soft smile.

"Yeah.. it is." Jing Yuan murmured back, though you could see out of the corner of your eye that his eyes were locked on you.

[sunlighthroughthe-ashes]

I love reading your thoughts on Lovely Runner! The show does things to my heart and soul that I can't put to words. So far my favorite scene in the show is in the beginning of episode 11 when Sunjae tells Sol, "I'll be running diligently to 2023, where you'll be." I think it's so beautiful and profound and a true testament of Soljae's love. I'm sad that I don't see more people talking about it. What did you think of that scene?

hi there, anon! <33

thank you so much for reaching out to me and appreciating my posts — i've loved being able to offer my perspective on this show, which is so dear to my heart, and which has healed me in ways i didn't even think were possible.

to begin with, i absolutely agree — this was a beautiful scene. for me, what struck me most about sunjae's declaration was how simple it was — yet it remained so profoundly moving.

as a viewer, it doesn't strike us as even slightly odd that sunjae is ready to wait over a decade — it doesn't seem unrealistic that this boy will remain alone for fifteen years, with nothing but the warmth of sol's memory to steady him. we don't even question the logistics of such a promise. that's how palpable sunjae's love for sol is — it leaks through everything: his eyes, his hands, the ways they can touch sol without touching.

we believe it because sunjae believes it — there's no arguing against the conviction of his affection, the all-consuming gravity of it.

critic and poet mark doty once said that "beauty is simply accuracy; to come as close as we can to what seems to be the real."

this is exactly what's so spellbindingly compelling about sunjae's promise — the entire moment: it's real. it's raw. it's vulnerable. his words are plain, direct, to the point — but you can see sunjae's unshakeable faith in his relationship with sol shine through.

"you are the question at the end of every crossroad — you are my choice, and i will be blessed to make it every single day." this is what his eyes say — this is what we (and sol) take as ironclad fact, and why wouldn't we? sunjae has loved her as easily as the air entering our lungs.

what are fifteen years in front of this love of sapling strength — a green seed ready to wait winter after winter, surviving on just the possibility of growth. on the hope of seeing sol again; loving her again — even if death dogs sunjae's footsteps. it's worth it for him — and because of him, it's worth it for us too.

who can get in the way of such a thing?

even time kneels in service to such devotion.

[escapetothelake]

Harvey and mr bat for the ship asks? :D (you don’t have to if you’re not comfortable)

ooh this is so silly!! thank you for giving me something to chew on >:) btw i will do any ship people throw at me, even if i don't like it (as long as i can reasonably write for it & it doesn't involve minors)

mr. bat and harvey have few spoken lines, so pls forgive me if my characterization doesn't align with urs. i also made them a little toxic 😐 if you want a healthy relationship portrayal, please specify!! hopefully this is still enjoyable though heehee

i'm going to try to keep this contained to rusty lake: hotel as that is the game in which they interact. also i’m using he/him for harvey

who made the first move: mr. bat was immediately aloof with harvey when the latter first got the job at the hotel. harvey was content with ignoring him, until he realized that he hated the feeling of being disliked so much. he made a point to talk to mr. bat everyday when he went to visit mr. owl, which mr. bat was not receptive to. then harvey thought to bring him food, thinking he would likely be hungry and tired after being on his feet all day. mr. bat took it wordlessly, but his eyes would flit back and forth between harvey and the snack as he ate. from them on, he gradually started to become more open and even friendly to harvey—especially when the bird had food.

who kissed who first: i’m trying to figure out the logistics of this lol. i could see mr. bat kissing harvey for bringing him something exceptionally tasty. later in this post i headcanon that harvey bathes to wash the blood off, and that when he doesn’t have immediate access to hot water, mr. bat becomes his co-conspirator. perhaps harvey is panicking because it doesn’t seem the water will be fixed for a while, and mr. bat sees this, and begins to apprehensively lick the blood off harvey’s feathers. then they’re both like 😳😳

who started the relationship: it kinda just. happened. and while harvey is jealous, mr. bat is possessive. he wanted things to be exclusive, and harvey agreed.

who remembers things: when one of them remembers something, the other usually doesn’t.

nicknames for each other: admittedly, i’m a little floored on this one lol. i think mr. bat would call harvey “dear”, and harvey would call mr. bat “my moth”.

who is more likely to pay for dinner: harvey all the way.

who normally cooks: another cop-out here, but mr. toad. harvey supplies food though (😉)—as he kind of serves as mr. owl’s errand boy—and mr. bat occasionally enjoys hunting for his own food. harvey doesn’t like flying insects all that much though.

who remembers anniversaries: mr. bat EXPECTS harvey to remember anniversaries. with all the stress he’s under, however, he doesn’t always.

what would they get each other for gifts: you know those lollipops with insects and scorpions and stuff in them? yeah, mr. bat loves those. he literally shrieks with delight when he gets one. harvey also once gave him an amber necklace with a moth inside, and mr. bat periodically gnaws/sucks on it like a teething necklace. mr. bat isn't really a gift-giver (he wants princess treatment 💅), but he likes hunting for insects and then dropping them in front of harvey like a dog with a rat it caught for you.

most trivial thing they fight over: literally anything lmao. these two fight like cats and dogs, and i will die on this hill. food is the most common topic; sure, harvey is a foodie, but doesn’t understand how mr. bat can place that much importance on it. sometimes, it’s like mr. bat cares more about food than harvey (who, as i said, gets jealous pretty easily. you’d think he would have learned to detach after all those years).

how often do they fight: all the time. so often. they are lowkey toxic 😳 mr. owl can expect to be woken up by some sort of petty squabble. it's not good for 'business', so he tells them to knock it off or lose their jobs.

who uses all the hot water: harvey—how else is he gonna wash all that blood off?

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: harvey panics when the heat isn’t working because it means that he can’t clean the blood off of himself. it’s actually how he and mr. bat ended up getting closer—harvey resorted to calling mr. bat for assistance, and he got it fixed for him. so in a way, mr. bat is his partner in crime :) the couple that slays together stays together

who leaves their stuff around: mr. bat has few material possessions, but what he does have, he hoards (particularly food). actually, harvey touching mr. bat’s stuff is another thing they used to fight over in the beginning of the relationship. harvey sometimes leaves bloody garments around, which mr. bat scolds him for. he won’t admit it, but he finds it a little endearing.

who remembers to buy the milk: mr. bat would remember that they need milk. he expects harvey to get it though. of course, it’s readily available in the kitchen of the hotel.

who controls the netflix queue: mr. bat NEEDS his netflix after a long day. DO NOT mess with his netflix queue 😡😡😡

who steals the covers at night: this isn’t really an issue! mr. bat sleeps on the ceiling, so if harvey wishes to use blankets, he has them all to himself. though it seems like he can easily change into his anthropomorphic form, so he sometimes does that and sleeps perched by the window. (side note ooh what if bird!harvey slept in a cage in mr. owl’s room)

who cusses more: mr. bat screeches, if that counts. sometimes their “shouting matches” are just mutual screeching in a sort of display of dominance. it drives mr. owl bananas 🍌 🍌

who does most of the cleaning: the hotel has waitstaff. harvey is responsible for cleaning up after himself (iykyk), but mr. bat has found that he enjoys helping out.

what’s their favorite non-sexual activity: i think that, as much as it annoys harvey, they both secretly enjoy arguing. beyond that, they like spending time together during the late hours. it’s after harvey has completed his kills and work hours are over that they can find solace with each other. they are at their calmest when mr. bat has a snack in hand, and harvey his favorite music playing without any stress.

who’s the cuddler: lowkey mr. bat, though harvey likes the attention.

who’s the big spoon/little spoon: mr. bat leans his head on harvey’s shoulder or chest, and harvey puts his head on top of his.

who’s more dominant: mr. bat is kind of a brat 😳 sometimes he winds harvey up so much that he just… snaps 😏

who is the dirty talker: mr. owl, scolding them for being bothersome to the guests again 😆 in reality, i think they see squabbling as dirty talk

what do they do when they’re away from each other: mr. bat has separation anxiety (not that he would admit it). harvey often has to leave to run errands for mr. owl, so it’s not uncommon that they’re apart. harvey tells himself he’ll enjoy finally getting some peace and quiet, but he starts to miss his partner after a little while. mr. bat catches up on sleep and pretends to be unbothered, but his job gets boring and he often finds himself thinking about harvey.

what would they do if the other one was hurt: i think they would both freak out, but they’re also mutually self-centered. for instance, if one of them has an incapacitating sickness that the other could catch, then the healthy one would likely consider that for a while before going to visit them. one time, though, mr. bat got sick with a flu, and harvey brought him stew that he’d made for him. of course, harvey spent too much time with mr. bat, and he caught the flu too. he was a little annoyed, but when a healthy mr. bat brought him moth soup that he’d made, harvey couldn’t stay mad, even if he doesn’t like moths all that much :) (for once, they would NOT let mr. toad cook—they wanted to make it themselves :))

a headcanon: after harvey fled the hotel upon being attacked by the corrupted souls, he didn’t return for a while, which upset and worried mr. bat, but he continued to do his job as usual. eventually, mr. owl relocated him to the cave, where he could stay more comfortably after his service, but be called back as needed. mr. owl tipped off harvey to mr. bat’s location, and they were reunited again. now, they don’t interact as much as they did while working the hotel, but they’re still co-workers with a little something extra :)

[nerdieforpedro]

Part Eight of "The Lake Between Us"

Binary Stars

Ezra AU x Seraphina (Plus size OFC)

This blog is for readers 18+ MDNI

Word Count: 1264

Warnings: Domestic fluff (98% bruh) and implied public sex (a dash because we simmer here like Ezra's gumbo)

Summary: The end or a new beginning? That's for Ezra and Seraphina to decide.

Notes: Thank you to everyone who has kept with me and supported this series. 🥰 I'm kinda sad to end their journey but I enjoyed the pacing and that they're two mature adults navagating a relationship. Let me know what you thought of the series overall. ❤️

Main Masterlist/ Ezra Masterlist/ The Lake Between Us Series

The subsequent six months led to a few changes. 

Most nights now ended at Ezra’s home, as he often had food in addition to himself waiting for Seraphina. She felt welcome and safe in his home. It slowly changed to reflect a few brighter colors, though she did stick to his theme of green. Mainly dark greens, reminiscent of forests and secluded places one might see while skating across the water atop his airboat. 

Sera had talked him into giving her a private tour a month after their initial dinner with Cee and Zora. She’d worn a soft pink sleeveless dress to match the sunset displayed over the water’s surface. Listening to him go over the history of the unique creatures and flora that inhabit the bayou and its depths made her smile. There may have been a good bit of celebrating on the airboat. Sera indulged Ezra’s request of her calling him captain at different volumes during their heated jubilations. Once back ashore, they had dinner on the dock overlooking the twilight, the sky seemingly settling in for the evening. The small round table had a chair on each side as they ate dinner. Afterward, there were two large wooden chairs that Seraphina assumes Ezra set up closer to the edge of the dock facing the water. While they shared a bottle of rum, Ezra asked her if she ever wanted to leave. The question begged a curious look from Sera.

“Leave and go where Ezra? Are you talking of moving somewhere? I’m not sure if you’ll be able to have such a job that favors your gift of gab. My options are fairly open. What state are you considering?”

A small chuckle at her answer, he kissed her cheek and took her hand in his, interlacing their fingers.

“You appear to imply that you would be coming with me, Moonbeam. For that I am eternally grateful. I pose a different question then. Will you stay with me and not leave my bed?”

A grin creeps over Seraphina’s face, lifting her hand, she kisses the back of Ezra’s tasting the salty tang of his sweat once more. A sigh leaves her as she recalls events not too long ago in which she saw the yellows, pinks and oranges weave themselves along his chest, arms, back and face. “Is it limited to the bed, or can I actually step foot in the house? I’m fine with you carrying me but there’s going to be a few logistical issues with this.” She has his hand rest against the left side of her chest as her eyes roll from their hands, along his arm toward his face. Ezra has the same look he normally does at Seraphina: like she’s delicate, dear and meant to be adored. “I believe you were asking me to live with you my dear captain.”

It was Ezra’s turn to smirk for he was aware the effect her calling him his title had on him. He turned his body toward hers, “Would you give this old scoundrel of a captain the privilege of knowing you’ll make a home with him? Knowing that he’ll keep all your appetites fed?”

Seraphina nodded and swiftly made contact with Ezra’s lips, holding for a moment before placing her forehead against his, “Even if I were to enter from the rear my dear captain, my presence would be known no matter my status. I don’t mind if you feel the need to hide me, as long as I am allowed in. Correct?” She’d quoted back to him what’d told her when they agreed to their first date along this very dock, many months ago. Moonbean sits back in her chair and Ezra keeps his eyes focused on hers. The captain sees a playful mischief in her eyes, the same ones that regard him with constant warmth that give him comfort along with her reassuring touches. The quote has his free hand land on her knee and draw small circles around the bone. 

“There will be no hiding you Sera. Everyone in my life who’s important already knows about you. You can enter the house any way you choose.” They share another laugh before looking back at the night sky. The moonlight glowed without clouds blocking it across the water’s surface. 

It took two months to combine their homes, sorting through possessions and marking more room for each other. Once that was complete, there was the question of what to do with Seraphina’s home. 

By this time, Cee graduated with honors with her degree in business administration and Zora had hers in English with a minor in history. They asked if they could use Seraphina’s home to open a restaurant. Sera was fine with it, Ezra negotiated terms with Cee in a dinner table discussion that took two hours, three sheets of paper and five napkins to come to an agreement. Zora and Sera napped on the couch during the latter part of the exchange. Once the guardian and charge agreed, they looked to their partners with mild annoyance that they’d found them boring enough to doze off. 

The house was being modified into a restaurant but keeping most of its original structure intact. Despite the small spats Ezra and Cee would have, when it was time to create a menu, he’s written out most of his recipes with measurements. They also accounted for some allergies and vegan preferences. “To get you and Zora started Birdie.” With a hug and a kiss to her cheek, Ezra handed over the handwritten notebook and both women thanked him. They set to practicing the recipes.

A month ago, after finishing and afternoon tour, Ezra found a gray fuzzy dog hiding under one of the seats on his airboat. He was curious how it got there and even more so about the owner. Asking around at the dock yielded no answers, even after having the manager look after the dog for a few days. Seraphina suggested that maybe they could take the dog in, it wasn’t a puppy and so far according to the owner was potty trained. Flyers could stay up about the dog in the meantime. Ezra said he wasn’t sure, but then also wouldn’t put the dog down until he was in the house. They went shopping for different supplies and took it to the vet to get a clean bill of health. The dog, identified as a goldendoodle which Ezra found to be a ridiculous breed name to him, was named Pluto because the dog was a smaller size. 

Late nights into the early mornings were rare for Seraphina and Ezra outside of their home. Tonight, they were sitting on Ezra’s back porch, little Pluto warming their feet with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Seraphina wore the white nightgown that she first saw Ezra in, and he was shirtless in a loose pair of sleep shorts. Her head rested between his shoulder and his neck with his arm around her as the held hands. A single cloud graced the sky tonight and floated on by reflected on the lake’s surface. Neither of them thought that the other would end up across the lake quite like this - in each other's arms. 

There were few stars visible in the obsidian above them, save for small ones side by side.

Binary stars that had formed their own small circle relying on one another for support and to function. Together because one didn’t make sense without the other. Bound together by a profound sense of need with love filling them both. 

Merging the Star Clusters

Glimmers of moonlight on the lake 🌕: @rav3n-pascal22 @maggiemayhemnj @morallyinept @survivingandenduring @bonezone44

@magpiepills @yorksgirl @gemmahale @missredherring @missladym1981

@alltheglitterandtheroar @megamindsecretlair @readingiskeepingmegoing @pedroshotwifey @tinytinymenace

@inept-the-magnificent @vivian-pascal @jessthebaker @pascalsanctuary

[saecoyle]

spoilers warnings // opinion abt the first part

what I like :

Penelope being an absolute sweetheart and terribly socially akward but not being turned ridiculed, like a lot of "not-like-other-girls" fiction. Penelope is different than the ton as she's not sticking out but she makes it clear that she is a very common girl in her wants and desire, that she is just more introverted and has had less help from her family.

Her relationship with her mom getting deeper as well as their conflict. Love that!

Francesca being a really agreable character and her silent affection towards John is adorable. Definitly looking for more of them in the second part.

I actually enjoy the subplot of both Eloïse and Cressida, the season is really centering on the cracks of the ton's idea of normalcy before going further than the Londonian society in others books which is a great thing. It adresses that in an universe like Bridgerton there's a difficulty for the young misses in market to bond and form friendship because they're in constant competition, but also it doesn't take away the flaws of each-characters, making them whole. The three girls does not only compete with themselves but they also envy each one thing for each-other and are blind to the other person's issue, but at the end of the day the ton ends up being an issue for all of them in one way or another.

Violette and Agatha's brother, very cute, love their different views on marriage and their equal love for their children.

Colin is actually not a non-playable-character! Still feels a lil bit uncomplete to me but hey, it's only four episodes, it might come as well. I do really empathize with him with his awkwardness in episode three and four and hope for more as for later. Also they need to get him a more fluffy wig in the sense that : episode 3 with the wind, thank you.

what I disliked :

The constant threesomes (okay, only two) but I don't like lesbianism being used as porn content for men, even though if it means what it means (Colin is not content with one sexual or romantic partner if it's not Pen ect ect…) as a lesbian it is still icky to me. (Also I know that the few mlm scenes we've had caters to 'everyone' because straight women tends to love gay men but they're also more deeper than sex workers having to shag in front of rich nobles.)

The part 2 teaser, in genereal the fact that L.W will be revealed in this season and that the main conflict will be Penelope lying to Colin. But it's mostly because I've read the books and I hold Penelope and her work's dear in my heart I have issues about how it was handled. Personal preferences I guess.

Benedict's plot, not interesting, love the actress (very pretty) but in general I feel like theyre running in circles with him to keep the hype until they've made all their seasons and then his. Just not interested in it.

THAT half moment in the carriage scene where Pen tries to put her hands in his hair but it feels very weird bc in the book I felt it as unconcious and passionate and his hair being so stiff + the weird look turned me off so bad…sorry I know a lot of people like that scene in its entirety but it's the only part I had issues with.

I'm sad that we don't get news on Queen Charlotte's family situation bc it really intrigued me, I'm not surprised that the universe feels kind of flat.

things I am neutral about :

Kanthony not being that present, well it's not their seasons! I always have issues with ennemies turned lovers in the sense that they become boring very fast if theyre straight ((sorry)) and I do like them so I'm glad I didn't have the time to get bored by them, it also means more Francesca plot, more Creloise so I am truly fine with it.

The Mondrich getting nobles traits, I just wished it focused on the son too. Maybe about how pressured he would be as a young guy, ect, but there's still time.

Oh and it took me a MOMENT to understand the logistic of him f*ngering her, at first I thought he was just pleasing her outside and I was like "but the logistic? does he just gets out of the carriage with wet fingers and goes tell his mom he's getting married?" But it seems that yes. So… Okay.

The pregnancy race, idk it just feels obvious that Pen at the end of the day might win bc one will have a girl or one will be too late ect… I do find the commentaries about sexuality funny, and if it means more Finch and Philippa I'm fine with it.

general opinion for now :

I have been warmed up to be hyped by the season for a while now so there is not a real surprise that i'm appreciating the main romance as they're the only one I read the book and had seen across fandom in laws. Now the four next episode can make it more than great or sadly make my appreciation downgrade, it'll be a different experience that I've had with the other seasons bc I binged all of it and only had a overall opinion on the entirety of the show. Looking for the rest!

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hi! I’ve got a CSI question. Have you ever written about how, exactly, Sara & Grissom managed to keep their relationship secret for *two entire years*?

I mean, on one hand, neither seem to socialise with the team out-of-hours that much - so Grissom being weird and secretive is just Grissom, Sara spending a lot of time ‘alone’ is just Sara.

But I keep coming back to all the little things that the rest of the team of actual trained investigators should’ve noticed! Because IME you definitely notice when two people are sleeping together - little things like smelling like the same soap, or mentioning having watched the same movies, showing up to work at the same time, or both being suspiciously ‘busy’ at the same time. Two entire years, and not Catherine, Warrick, Nick, or Greg picked up on this?

(Also, they must’ve really had to go to an effort to cover it up, which brings up all sorts of questions about them feeling guilty about ‘lying’ to the team - though I’m personally of the view that, until Sara’s kidnapping, they hadn’t really spoken about what they ‘were going to do’ about their relationship re: lab policy and team dynamics, and were just kind of basking in the honeymoon phase, but your take on that might be different.)

But again - I’m more fascinated by the actual day-to-day nature of keeping it secret. I mean, it’s not like they can go away for a relaxing weekend - due to the nature of their jobs they’re nearly always on call, so it would’ve been very hard to not somehow get ‘caught out’. Just something I ponder, and was wondering what your perspective might be.

hi, anon!

so i have actually written a multichapter fic about the logistics of the gsr "secret dating" era (explored within the context of an s7 double-homicide investigation), which you can read here, if you're interested.

otherwise, in response to your question:

in theory, there should be a thousand-and-one different potential tells for team graveyard grissom and sara are a couple over the course of the two-plus odd years they are secretly together.

in theory, grissom and sara should in time start to smell the same, because they use the same laundry detergent and eat the same foods and sleep in the same bed.

in theory, they should always use the same sort of brought-from-home brands on the job, to the degree their doing so is potentially noticeable—the same water bottles and sunscreen in the field and the same silverware and tupperware containers for their lunches.

in theory, they should both have the same short, roan and white dog hairs covering their clothes.

in theory, grissom should sometimes have long, brown sara hairs covering his clothes, too.

in theory, sara should screw up at some point and call grissom gil or gilbert within earshot of a team member.

grissom does screw up and call sara "my dear" in front of super dave and a couple of uniform cops in episode 07x24 "living doll."

in theory, grissom should once or twice arrive for a callout with lipstick in sara's shade smeared on his shirt collar.

in theory, catherine should someday turn up at grissom's condo uninvited, looking to get his signature on some overtime approvals he neglected before the month runs out, only to recognize sara's car in grissom's lot—but not in the visitors' section.

in theory, sara should at least once, unbeknownst to grissom, during her off-hours, take a work-related call from nick or warrick or greg, only to have grissom walk into the room, already in the process of talking to her ("darlin', i was gonna run to the store. did you want me to pick up—?"), and the person on the other end of the line should recognize his voice.

in theory, one or the other of them should perhaps accidentally answer the other person's cell as they're both fumbling around in the dark, in the blear of sleep, hurrying to catch an emergency call.

in theory, they should use each other's mannerisms and turns of phrase too often to blame on coincidence.

in theory, they should at least once, by the law of probability, because vegas is not actually such a very big city, accidentally run into a teammate someplace during their off-hours—in circumstances where it's clear they are on a date or else doing household errands together.

in theory, someone should realize for as rarely as either one of them takes pto, whenever one of them does do so, it always happens to coincide with the other person's scheduled days off.

in theory, since the department provides their cell phones, someone in the accounting office should look over their records and notice they call and text each other five times as often as they do any of their other teammates—and at odd, non-working hours.

in theory, warrick should raise an eyebrow at grissom bringing sara lunch in episode 07x01 "built to kill" pt. i.

in theory, any one of their teammates should question why sara knows where in his office grissom keeps his secret keys in episode 07x13 "redrum."

in theory, since grissom seems to be in the habit of having his personal post sent to the lab, at some point, junk mail jointly addressed to him and sara should be delivered to his desk, and someone should see it.

in theory, one or the other of them should inadvertently leave some personal item in the other person's car, only for another teammate to discover it there on a ride-along ("hey sara, how come grissom's checkbook is on your dashboard?").

in theory, there is no way, even for as clever and motivated as they both are, grissom and sara should be able to keep up their ruse for as long as they do without anybody being the wiser—and especially not considering they eventually do live together.

in theory, someone should at some point clock them.

—but there's "theory" and then there's "practice."

and for however unrealistic it may be, "in practice," the show suggests grissom and sara do a fairly good job of keeping their secret for the two+ years they're together prior to when natalie davis abducts sara.

so our question then becomes, "how?"

—and i think the answer to that question is twofold: i.e., "very carefully" and "because they get lucky."

more discussion after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

__

so i, like you, tend to believe grissom and sara don't really have an "extraction plan" when it comes to their secret relationship—meaning i don't think they have ever set a hard deadline for when they might come clean to the team or how they might manage to do so without imploding their whole lifestyle.

to my mind, they never directly discuss those eventualities because a) as you posit, to do so would make them feel guilty about the depth and scope of their deception; and b) to do so would require them to discuss their probable future together, which is a subject they're both scared to broach, given they aren't 100% certain the other person is as "in it to win it" as they are themselves.

that said, i do nevertheless think they have "rules of engagement" regarding how they conduct their secret relationship itself.

in fact, i think they would have to, just given the very intricate nature of the thing they're attempting to do.

preventing a team of trained observers from noticing the fact two amongst their number are engaged in a long-term illicit intimate relationship is not the kind of deception one can just successfully maintain on the fly—and especially not when the two people in question eventually move in together and start blending their private lives.

there would have to be some game-planning involved. some strategy. some active maintenance of the moving parts of the whole delicate machine.

as i discuss in the post linked above, i think their rules more or less boil down to three main things.

firstly, i think they are both opposed to actively lying about being together. though they will lie by omission (i.e., by simply failing to disclose the fact of their relationship to anyone and by allowing others to draw incorrect inferences about their love lives that they then themselves fail to correct), they’re not going to look anyone in the eyes and say “i’m single right now” or “i’m dating [fill in the name of some imaginary person]” or “god, i could never date grissom” or “i can’t stand sara.” they’re just going to keep quiet about being together rather than loudly protesting they’re not or pretending to be in relationships with other people.

secondly, i believe they are of a mind not to drastically alter their behavior in each other’s presence for the purpose of “throwing others off of their trail.” while they’re not going to hold hands, kiss, or embrace each other in public, they’re also not going to avoid each other or completely refrain from touching, standing close to, and/or showing affection to each other, either. hence why, for instance, grissom will bring sara lunch, never mind that warrick is right there (see episode 07x01 “built to kill” pt. i)—because his mo is to always treat her like his romantic partner, even if he’s not explicitly acknowledging she is. if these overt displays of affection lead to someone realizing they’re together, then so be it; they’re not about to pretend they’re not in love with each other, though. thankfully, by the time they actually start officially dating, they’ve already been acting like a couple for long enough otherwise, their coworkers just expect them to be “like that,” meaning nobody really raises an eyebrow when grissom calls sara “dear” or sara knows where grissom keeps things hidden in his office. by that point, it’s just kind of par for the course with them as far as the rest of the team is concerned, you know? it’s just how they’ve always been.   

finally, i think they have a kind of understanding between them if anyone ever figures out their secret, they’re going to come clean, not just to whomever it is who finds them out but to everyone; at that point, the jig is up, and they’re not going to pretend anymore.

of course, they also undoubtedly have an even more practical set of rules related to how they conduct themselves (and safeguard their relationship) on a daily basis.

more on those rules in a minute.

even so, as discussed above, since even the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry, and there are such things as accidents and quirks of circumstance no one, however careful, can anticipate or account for before they happen, i also believe for as much as grissom and sara do take very deliberate precautions, their long-standing success in perpetrating their ruse is also just as much the result of good luck as it is any actions performed on their parts.

they get away with what they're doing not just because they're cautious but because they have the good fortune never to have a coworker glimpse anything incriminating.

however improbably, no one ever walks in on them at the wrong time and sees or hears the wrong thing. there must never be any accidents. no confluences of events which conspire to drag their secret out into the light.

the universe itself must help them perpetrate their deception—

—at least until it doesn't anymore and natalie davis is able to figure them out in a way none of their teammates ever has.

but just sticking to the teammates.

i have a longer post here on the subject, but i think they remain so oblivious to what's going on right under their noses when it comes to grissom and sara largely due to confirmation bias.

basically, they see what they are already disposed to see, where grissom and sara are concerned.

remember in episode 02x09 "and then there were none" when grissom tells brass that anecdote about the basketball game and the gorilla suit?

he says a harvard professor once conducted a study in which he asked test subjects to count the number of times the ball was passed during the game. then he had someone dressed in a gorilla suit run across the court mid-game. afterward, he asked the subjects if they noticed the gorilla, and fifty percent of them responded, "what gorilla?"

his point in telling the story is people often develop "situational blindness" and focus on the wrong details when they don't know what they're looking at.

the same principle can be applied to team graveyard and grissom and sara's secret relationship.

each member of team graveyard has their own conceptions of both grissom and sara as individuals and of what their relationship dynamics with each other are, and those conceptions color the ways they interpret grissom and sara's interactions during the secret dating period.

honestly, very few members of the team view grissom as someone who has much of a social life at all, let alone as someone who might ever be in a long-term romantic relationship.

however, even if they were to picture him dating someone, they would probably either imagine that someone as a more peer-aged woman in an adjacent professional field to his (such as teri miller the forensic anthropologist and/or jane gilbert the president of the gilbert college for the deaf) OR as someone completely "left field" (such as lady heather kessler the dominatrix).

since most of the team views grissom as above all being highly devoted to his work and protective of the lab and its interests, not many of them would ever imagine he would engage in any romantic relationship which might go against lab policy and especially not that he would be so unprofessional as to sleep with his years-younger subordinate.

nick in particular probably recalls how hard grissom came down on him for the whole kristy hopkins debacle in s1 and so would never imagine grissom would himself be such a hypocrite as to endanger the lab and its work for the sake of his own sex life.

in fact, the only person on the team who might possibly even consider grissom might be capable of doing such a thing is catherine, whose personal opinions about the male libido and how sex-motivated people tend to be in general, plus her perceptions of both grissom and sara individually, dispose her to such views.

—however, she just so happens to be of the belief grissom and sara were in a sexual relationship years ago, which culminated in explosive fashion shortly after sara moved to vegas*, and so is not in the right headspace to recognize their current sexual relationship for what it actually is.

* and who knows? she could be right.

she believes they're ancient history—emphasis on the ancient part.

meanwhile, while certain team members (such as warrick and possibly greg) may be more aware of sara's attraction to grissom, most of them nevertheless would see it as being more of a one-sided thing and have no expectation it would ever lead to a real relationship between grissom and sara.

they also might not recognize just how persistent her attraction to grissom is, continuing past her first few years in vegas, especially after she dates hank peddigrew in s2/s3; some of them might erroneously believe though sara starts out "hot for teacher," she eventually gets over her crush on grissom and develops more of an interest in guys her own age (and especially in meathead guys who might be easier for her to boss around).

looking at grissom and sara's dynamic itself at large, they might be similarly confused.

first of all, the fact grissom and sara have always, since day #1, been markedly weird around each other probably serves as some very effective camouflage for their relationship once they become a couple.

as i talk about in this post,

those two geeks have been standing way too close to each other, finishing each other’s sentences, staging uncomfortably intense staring contests, lobbing strange innuendos, having weirdly charged tiffs, being way too openly defensive of each other, etc., etc., since the very first day sara walked through the door to the las vegas crime lab. and maybe initially their teammates wonder if anything ~more~ is going on between them than just “friendship,” but then over time that bizarre intensity between them just becomes a baseline. while particular interactions might temporarily resurrect old suspicions for various team members, nothing to definitively overturn the “it’s just platonic weirdness” assumption ever occurs. so eventually, everyone becomes inured to gsr.

essentially, since they've always acted kind of like they're in a romantic relationship since even before they're actually in a romantic relationship, no one really bats an eye when they do finally become a couple, because their dynamic doesn't really change.

—and especially not because, while there are certainly plenty of instances over the years which might suggest attraction between grissom and sara (mutual or not), depending on if one is inclined to see things that way, there are also just as many instances which might suggest frustration between them or even outright annoyance.

yes, they often act strangely couple-y, but they also often come to loggerheads in highly public ways, enough so as to potentially throw off anyone's sense of their deeper feelings for each other.

for every one time grissom rushes a case for sara (see episode 01x16 "too tough to die") or sara makes a fool of herself grubbing for grissom's approval (see episode 01x17 "face lift"), there is another time when he publicly chews her out over some case (see episode 04x07 "invisible evidence") or when she gets visibly pissed at him for what she views as his mismanagement of her/the team (see episode 04x08 "after the show")—so it's not like all of the available evidence necessarily points toward them being in love.

and especially not when they have both to their teammates' knowledge showed more obvious, uncomplicated romantic interest in and dated other people in the time since sara first moved to vegas (grissom teri miller and potentially heather kessler in s1-s3, and sara hank peddigrew in s2-s3).

so given their preconceived notions of grissom and sara and of grissom and sara's relationship dynamic, it's not necessarily surprising the members of team graveyard don't recognize any evidence they may encounter of grissom and sara's secret romantic relationship with each other for what it is.

their views of the situation as participants are much more limited than are ours as outside observers, after all.

they don't get access to the totality of the information available in the same ways we do. not only do they not get to see the close-up shots or hear the nondiegetic music cues we do as viewers, but they also aren't privy to the overarching story beats. none of them has seen or heard as much as we have overall, nor in the same condensed format.

remember: lots of time elapses within the universe of the show between individual episodes, so whereas to us it might seem like the events of episodes 02x15 "burden of proof" and 02x16 "primum non nocere" take place in fairly short order, for the characters themselves, nearly three full weeks pass between those two cases, which means any connections between grissom's treatment of sara in the earlier episode and his actions toward her throughout the second might be much less obvious to them than they are to us, say.

and, then, of course, there is the fact, in addition to whatever confirmation bias might help to cover over the truth of grissom and sara's relationship, grissom and sara are, within the universe of the show, in the business of actively trying to deceive their teammates regarding what's going on between them.

which brings us to the part of this post where we talk about all of the ridiculous lengths they must go to in order to keep their secret secret.

first of all, while i do believe grissom and sara try to avoid outright lying as much as they possibly can, there are some lies they simply have to tell in order to make this whole complicated situation work.

though they might try to avoid more egregious and forward-facing falsehoods, like pretending to their teammates they're in relationships with people than each other or feigning like they loath each other to conceal the fact they are in love, the fact is, they almost certainly end up not only lying by omission but also occasionally lying more outrightly (especially where hr is concerned).

since neither grissom nor sara is very social outside of work and never has been, they're likely able to take advantage of that fact, when it comes to avoiding coworkers outside of work hours.

however, since during the early seasons of the show, teammates—and especially catherine—do seem to turn up on grissom's doorstep unannounced from time to time, i suspect once grissom and sara move in together, they actually have to take some actively evasive maneuvers.

as i talk about in this post, once they decide to make the whole "living together" thing official, they likely move to a completely new condo somewhere slightly out of the way of the lab. grissom then likely makes a point never to invite anyone over or to advertise where it is he is living.

moreover, he and sara probably choose to move into a condo with no public access, meaning only people who have keys can get into the building past the lobby and all nonresidents must check in with the doorman. they probably give said doorman instructions not to confirm their address to anyone without their permission, citing safety issues related to their work in law enforcement.

meanwhile, sara probably has to keep the lease and continue paying rent on her old apartment even after she stops officially living there and most probably can't sign on the lease of her and grissom's new shared place and/or put her name on any potential mortgage contract there.

maybe she sublets her old place.

she also may or may not rent a po box to receive official mail from the lab, separate from the address she shares with grissom.

she likely also maintains a separate bank account from grissom, even if they somehow split the cost of living otherwise (e.g., buying groceries together, paying for hank's care, divvying up their rent or mortgage payments, etc.), which means she may end up cutting grissom monthly checks to reimburse him for shared expenses.

she probably has to have calls from her home phone number—which, remember, was a usual thing for a person to have in the early 00s—forwarded either to her cell or to a designated alternative landline at her and grissom's shared place (which only she is allowed to answer).

both she and grissom also probably choose to keep their numbers and addresses unlisted from public record.

which is not necessarily an unusual thing for law enforcement officials just generally, but in this case is especially expedient for more than just the usual "we don't want criminals we've helped to prosecute to find out where we live" reasons, as they are also trying to ward off their friends.

coming and going to work, they likely have to make a point to stagger their departure and arrival times and to drive different routes (sara always being sure to come from the direction of her old apartment, even if she has to make a big out-of-the-way loop to keep up that appearance).

if either one of them is on call, they probably also have to drive separately to anyplace they might go out together, in case that person has to leave.

when they answer work phone calls at home, they likely have to signal to each other verbally when they are going to do so, especially if the other person is in a different room when the call comes through, so no one makes the mistake of talking within earshot of where they might be overheard by the other person on the end of the line ("honey, i'm getting a call from nick! don't talk for a second, okay?").

sometimes, when they receive simultaneous calls, one of them might even have to rush outside to answer their phone, so they're not occupying shared space while one of them is talking to catherine and the other person is talking to greg or what have you.

they probably have to avoid areas of town where they know their coworkers live during their off-hours, and when they go on dates, stay away from any of the kind of common places where they might be likely to run into someone they know. they may even occasionally use sara's old police scanner to avoid areas where there might be active crime scenes or heavy police presence so they don't accidentally bump into anyone from the department.

maybe they go as far as getting unscented detergents and cleaning products to avoid having their clothing smell the same.

grissom already doesn't wear cologne (see episode 01x03 "crate n' burial") and probably also uses unscented deodorant, and maybe sara takes to doing so, as well.

they probably have to be meticulous about using a lint brush on their clothes before heading to work so as not to show up covered in hank fur. ditto for checking they don't leave identifiable marks on each other after they've been intimate—so no lipstick on the collar or visible hickeys with noticeable diastema bruise patterns in them.

obviously, only one of them would be able to bring leftovers from home to work for lunch, and they'd have to be careful not to show up with matching tupperware.

as supervisor, grissom couldn't, no matter how badly he might want to, schedule himself and sara to have too many of the same nights off, meaning there would be plenty of times when one or the other of them would end up stuck home alone for hours on end while the other person still had to work.

they also couldn't afford to always go to the same conferences.

they would have to be judicious about using their pto at the same times and have airtight cover stories for if they ever did happen to be absent from work at the same times (which is something we know canonically probably occurs at least once, based on what nick says in episode 07x11 "leaving las vegas").

though doing so in the early 00s would definitely be easier than is the case nowadays, they still probably have to be careful about curating their online presences. they almost certainly use a vpn on one or both of their laptops so they don't show up using the same ip address while doing work-related online tasks. moreover, while neither one of them probably has any social media profiles to speak of (as not only was social media not as ubiquitous from 2005-2007 as it is today but also, again, grissom and sara would personally be unlikely to be on a site like facebook, just given their jobs in law enforcement), they also probably eschew conducting business online, as well, preferring to do things like banking and paying rent in person, so as to avoid accidentally getting their wires crossed with each other on the web.

in theory, someone could maybe trace them both logging onto the same bank account online.

tragically, they probably cannot risk naming each other directly as their ice contacts. however, they may designate some kind of mutual nonwork friend or neighbor as such and then give whoever it is instructions they are to contact the other person, if the other person is not already apprised of the situation ("if anything happens to me, call sara").

for sara in particular, she probably has to be very careful about how she refers to grissom at work, as it would seem she is in the habit of calling him gil or gilbert at home, though doing so is not her norm when they are on the clock (and, indeed, would be an unusual thing coming from any one of grissom's younger subordinates).

of course, grissom also probably has to be equally careful not to call sara by any endearments when they're working, as he seems to be quite liberal in his use of them when they are in private.

he also probably has to be judicious about how he handles sara's evaluations at work, being sure to mix in criticisms with his praise.

sara likely has to resign herself to never seeking any kinds of promotions or negotiating pay raises, either.

still.

even with all of these precautions in place, there are undoubtedly still times when grissom and sara do have some close calls or even slip up in small ways (which thankfully don't tip anybody off but do probably give them both momentary small heart attacks).

—which is why i say, ultimately, they also need just some good, old-fashioned luck to get away with their whole secret dating arrangement for as long as they do.

try as they may to use all of their genius-level intellect to outsmart their teammates, the fact is, there's no way they're able to account for everything, so at the end of the day, they just have to hold their breaths, hope for the best, and see how much they can get away with before the jig eventually comes up.

turns out, they manage to get away with quite a lot for quite some time.

—at least until natalie davis, with her outsider's perspective, is able to recognize the proverbial gorilla on the court for what it is.

anyway.

i've rambled a lot now.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[karliahs]

Hi! I’ve been reading your works and have greatly enjoyed your recent take on Izuku and Aizawa’s relationship. I appreciate that you give us some really good content between them while also showing their character flaws (referring in part to ‘testing, testing’). And I’ve been loving ‘a soft place to land’! So thank you for writing all this!

And curious question! I know you wrote a bodyswap between Shinso and Izuku in ‘walk a mile’- I was wondering what your thoughts would be of a bodyswap between Aizawa and Izuku? Like how do you think it might go or some concepts that you think might be interesting to explore in that scenario? (This question is just for fun though no pressure!)

awww thank you anon! they are so very dear to me...and man it's always funny to me that before i posted 'testing, testing' i was like oh people maybe won't like this one bc it digs a little bit into flaws and misunderstandings, and then consistently when people bring it up to me they're like man what i loved about this were the flaws and misunderstandings

body swaps, hmmmm...my number 1 body swap thing is chronic pain reveal, which is fun with these two because i headcanon both of them as having chronic pain - izuku's is semi-canonical (the doctor after the training camp tells him to keep moving his arms "even if they hurt a lot" which is so :() and aizawa's just seems...probable, after those USJ injuries. that and nerve damage/loss of sensation

i also think it would be fun in a sad way if aizawa's vision is affected post-USJ as well as his quirk, and that being revealed in a body swap scenario...though that makes me think about mic and aizawa body swap more than anything. like the realisation that someone you thought you knew really well had this whole massive thing going on they never mentioned...

aizawa body swap would also be interesting for like revealing his experience of the world in terms of exhaustion/sleep issues. i think it's very fun that even though there are a lot of commonly-accepted headcanons for why aizawa is so goddamn tired seemingly all the time, none of them are technically confirmed? like i most commonly see it explained as because he's working a night shift doing patrols, but iirc that's never confirmed in canon?

and okay this is a tangent but theoretically all the UA teachers have to still be doing hero work at some point, right? like if they've been teachers for years and are still active/well-known heroes, they've gotta be patrolling some time. and while underground heroics is associated with working at night, it doesn't necessarily have to be - in vigilantes aizawa is defs operating as an underground hero during the day, though that may just be plot convenience. are the other teachers also pulling shifts after school? are sundays just a real bad day to be a villain, because all the UA teachers are desperately trying to fit in a patrol?

anyway. that's a common explanation for why aizawa is Like That, but there are lots of fun ones to dig into - chronic fatigue such that he actually does sleep a lot but it's not restful, his quirk causing exhaustion, depression & ptsd, and specifically i've come across it as a ptsd thing where people nap a lot to avoid the nightmares that come from deep sleep. i think body swaps are fun for someone trying to live in another person's body and being like hey what the fuck. this is impossibly difficult actually. probably because my body swap thoughts are so disability-flavoured always...

thank you for the ask, this was fun to think about!! sorry it was like 1/3 UA teacher logistics

[buckets-and-trees]

As one of the Christmas presents, your Alpha promises to fulfill one of your fantasies, or introduce you to a kink you secretly wanted to try. What is it and how he's going about it? Does he surprise you with it? Or did you plan to make a special night of it?

Okay, not an alpha, but...

well...

I couldn't get this idea out of my head...

Fandom: Chris Evans Characters Title: Make Her Glow Characters/Pairings: soft dark!Mafia!Andy Barber x female!reader Word Count: 986

Content Warnings: bondage, established coerced marriage, breeding kink

Logistical Notes: I think technically this is ... going to be a collection now. Sequel to I'm Your Man and a moment from their honeymoon. I just can't resist this Andy (and neither can you, dear reader).

↠ Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

The domestic elements were incredibly important to Andy. He knew they were vital to building a happy, long-lasting relationship between husband and wife, and he wanted nothing less than that for both of you. Putting up the Christmas tree had been something he’d insisted on doing together, just the two of you, the day after Thanksgiving.

He’d driven the pair of you to the nicest tree lot, walked around holding your hand until he knew the two of you had found a tree you truly liked, then paid to have it delivered to your home after lunch. He had you direct the delivery men to put it exactly where you wanted it. He had helped you string it with lights, then decorate with garland and ornaments. You were still guarded – he had broken down many, but not all, of your walls, but it had been a good day.

But by far the most valuable thing from putting up the tree together had been the lights. He saw sheer, unadulterated delight shine through your eyes the first time they lit up. It was the passion he’d seen on your face so frequently during the first weeks he knew you – it’s what made him know he had to have you, and he loved seeing it again.

Each night, you had very easily let him hold you on the couch, all the other lights off, and sit together in the glow from the white lights of the tree. He had pulled so much more out of you each of those nights – memories, wants, dreams, worries.

He always knew you would work.

He knew you knew the two of your would work.

The soft glow of those lights had made you impossibly softer and warmer to him, and he fucking loved it.

But he hadn’t exploited that knowledge until tonight.

Having finally sent all the house guests home, you were turning off all the lights, and about to collapse onto the couch, but he intercepted you a step away from your destination, and tugged you gently upstairs. You knew not to fight him.

He knows you don’t want to fight him; you’re only holding onto small pieces of resisting him because he’s slowly been disarming every last piece of you, making you more and more vulnerable to becoming completely swept away by him.

He closes the bedroom door and then leads you to the bed. He slowly unzips your simple but beautiful party dress from behind, and you shrug it down your shoulders. He presses a kiss between your shoulder blades, and you can’t suppress a shiver. Then he unclasps your bra, and you let that fall to the floor, too. He slides a finger into the waistband of your lacey underwear on either side of your hips and pulls them gently down. You step out of them without direction.

He spanks you, just once, but it elicits the short, gasping moan he loves to draw from you.

“Up on the bed now,” he instructs.

“Yes, Andy,” your voice is soft, and you crawl up obediently.

“On your back in the middle of the mattress.”

As you move into place, you watch him, and he reaches for a box he left under the bed a few hours earlier.

Andy places the box on the bedside table, and first pulls out a thick, forest green satin ribbon.

He climbs up on the bed next to you. “Hold up your hands, wrists together for me.”

Despite everything else up to this point, he’s never physically bound you before.

Although he can see the evidence of your breathing speed up with the rise and fall of your chest, he’s incredibly pleased that you do exactly as he says, surrendering without a fuss. He wraps the ribbon around your wrists and forearms, then strokes your cheek. “Such a good girl for me.”

He moves back to the box, pulls out one end of the string, plugs it into the socket, and you gasp as a full string of white lights comes to life. Andy smiles and turns off the rest of the lights in the room.

Ten minutes later when he’s wrapped the lights around your arms – right over where the ribbons were first placed because he did want to protect your precious skin from being uncomfortable – and then bound you up to the headboard, where he strung the rest of the lights back and forth between the bedposts, and emerges naked from the large master closet, he fully appreciates the warm glow of the lights just as you have the lights from the tree. He more than gets it now.

Joining you once more on the bed, he runs his hands up your thighs, then guides them open and kneels between them.

“You’re so pretty like this, wife.”

You’re wet for him. Waiting for him.

“You want one more Christmas gift?” he asks, his eyes moving up your body to meet your eyes.

You let out a small, whimpered, “Yes,” and he smiles again. “Please,” you add.

“And I think it’s time we start really working on one more gift for me,” he says. He moves one hand to your hip and places the other solidly over your womb. “I’m done waiting to see you growing with my child, and it’s too perfect that you’re ovulating.”

Your eyes widen and your mouth opens just a little.

He smirks. “You think I really wouldn’t know something like that? Well, if you’re going to act dumb, I’ll just oblige and fuck you dumb. But, goddamn, you should know how perfect and beautiful you look for me just like this. Glowing under these lights? Perfection."

He leans down to kiss you. His lips move against yours, easily, he licks into your mouth, and you moan. He doesn't relent until you're breathless, and arching up beneath him.

"Now let’s make it so you glow for another reason.”

I make no apologies for this.

I'm Your Man Collection Masterlist ↠ Main Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

I do not do tag lists, but FOLLOW @buckets-and-stories and TURN ON NOTIFICATIONS to be updated any time I publish a new work!

[sibylsleaves]

No, but your Billy Boils posts are such a good point (ugh I want to see that version!!) but also get to the heart of something that's almost bothering me more than all the rest of the tantrumming and dramatics (depressing but expected alas). And that's the way they're showing such a fundamental disrespect for the people making the show?

Because making network procedural 20-episodes-a-season TV is HARD, you know? Even if it's cheesy, bombastic, Ryan Murphy style TV - you're juggling all the different demands of budget and logistics and network demands, and balancing drama and comedy and progressing your characters enough to keep them interesting but not so much you run out of storylines. It takes a huge amount of skill. (As seen by the many attempts that have drastically failed!)

And they don't always get it right. Actually they get it wrong a lot of the time - because of those external factors, or because of their own biases, or because they get distracted by shiny new ideas and lose control of a storyline. Or because they stretch a 2-episode arc to 3-episodes and oops, oh dear, we've totally buggered up our own pacing for the next few episodes.

But it shows such a fundamental lack of respect and understanding to claim the break up 'came out of nowhere' when they clearly did the best with the situation they ended up in. Plan A for Halloween couldn't happen as planned, so instead they used Tommy in a Plan B to remind the audience he exists and to indicate pretty loudly that this relationship was still superficial and hadn't really progressed in the six months since that first date. And the clues there were all over the episode, from the dialogue to the blocking to the effing visitor badge and the total lack of physical affection. Because these are clever, creative, experienced professionals who know how to make TV even in less than ideal circumstances, and no, you don't get to claim they're talentless hacks just because you were deliberately ignoring the clues they were giving you.

(Sorry, didn't mean for this to get that long!)

i mean to some extent i am compassionate toward the people who are upset and i think it's fundamentally fine to express your opinion about a television show on social media or wherever as long as you're not like, attacking people and trying to claim things that simply aren't true.

to be honest the last week has fucking SUCKED for anyone living in the united states and probably for most people abroad who pay attention to the united states, so i do get that for a lot of people this is, unfortunately i think, just becoming an outlet for ALL those feelings.

but yeah to take it out on the actual PEOPLE involved in making the television show is just like...maybe find a more productive way to express all the feelings you're having. or at least commiserate in a way that isn't making villains of people who are completely innocent and did nothing wrong. idk.

[waheelawhisperer]

Lappland :)

I love Lapp.

NOTP: I don't really have a true NOTP for Lappland, but please dear God do not let my girl end up with anyone who will drag her back into the hell that is the Siracusan mafia lifestyle.

BROTP: Lappland x Penguin Logistics is kind of the obvious one here, but I am also fond of the idea of Lappland becoming friends with any or all of Gavial, Specter, or Indra and proceeding to cause problems on purpose. She's apparently pretty gregarious according to her files, so I feel like she's got some good options for BROTPs.

I guess she can be bros with Capone and Gambino too but honestly those guys kinda suck lol

OTP: Lappland x Texas oh my God Il Siracusano destroyed my brain this ship is so good

Second choice pairing: Lappland x Doctor. Hot choice maybe but I was talking with @norondor the other day and started thinking about the way Lappland has a really unique and compelling relationship with the Doctor (as revealed through her talk lines), what with the way she pretty readily acknowledges that there are people out there that want the Doctor dead and that the Doctor did something to deserve it, and yet pretty explicitly says that stuff like guilt and innocence and remorse and regret don't matter once someone is trying to kill you, once you've entered a fight, once you've picked up a weapon... all that matters is survival. I cannot explain it all in one post, but there is just... so fucking much you can do with their dynamic, so much delicious opportunity for pain and misery and angst, such a strong foundation for storytelling in the way Lappland brings back memories of the Doctor's past with her understanding of violence and her willingness to perform it as a tool, bringing up echoes of what the Doctor was for Theresa and what they used Babel's soldiers as in turn. This is another one of the Doctor x Operator pairings I actually view as legit.

Fluffy pairing: All Lupo pairings are fluffy

I feel like any Lappland pairing has a lot of work to do to get to the point where she can even be fluffy but Lappland x Exusiai probably gets there the quickest.

Angsty pairing: TexLapp. Jesus Christ, TexLapp. Il Siracusano will be feeding me for months.

Favorite poly ship: Doctor x Texas x Lappland, which is now on my fucking WIP list because my God do I have Ideas for these three. Otherwise Wolfpack (Texas x Lappland x Provence x Projekt Red) is wonderful because Red needs tails to fluff, and the Penguin Logistics polycule could always use another member.

Weirdest pairing: Lappland x Vigil (Lappland pegs him). I think every Siracusan operator should get the chance to breed this twink.

[platoapproved]

Louis: 4,5,7,8,9

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

This is so hard because Louis just IS iwtv to me. But the first thought I had is hilarious so um toss him in DS9. It would be goddamn chaos.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

I really associate the song 'Porcelain' by Motionless in White with Louis, even if all the lyrics don't fit perfectly. It's just His Song to me.

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Everyone acknowledges that he's the most gorgeous man ever and this is accurate. Also I was surprised by the amount of love that that 'louis + cruelty' gifset I made got, I like that many many people love him for his vicious streak because it is so personally dear to me. Listen I love a character with extremely justified rage issues ok.

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

Oversimplify him, either villainizing him (and for, like, the wrong reasons? they're all evil vampires but people still invent stuff that isn't real) or making him into a Perfect Blameless Victim in a way that is so flattening and boring. Louis is not a Catholic saint, perfect because he is suffering and helpless and has no agency at all. He's a fucked up complicated man who has been through terrible things and done terrible things who contains multitudes. Also, related but somewhat distinct: people who are weird about Louis' sexuality, either seeing him as hyper aggressively sexual in a way that's just racist, or also joking about him being a ~disaster bottom princess who cries at the thought of ever having to top sexually. There's no basis for any of this in canon. He has fluidity and seems to favor different things at different times in his life / in different relationships and that's, like, cool? That's a cool aspect of a character? Sexual preferences aren't immutable character traits?

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

I do not think I would survive long, not necessarily because of Louis himself but he is sort of catnip for volatile and murderous men. Like honestly Louis should not co-habitate with any human. But let's say for the purposes of the question just for logistical reasons that I'm a vampire. I feel like it would be fine? I don't think it would be great though.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Your daily dose of Nocorro angst, good eats:

I'm not putting in @spicymiilk 's ideas in case he uses them, but dear god I would pay real money for my accidentally mated au to be written thank u.

-Part of me thinks there should be a fucking medieval au type thing where Neteyam is the next prince to take over the kingdom passed down via Neytiri's line. I just love the idea of Spider as a fucking Theon Greyjoy type son of the enemy raised by the family, and that’s why Neytiri doesn’t trust him or some shit it’s so juicy. Can't you all see it now it's so good, the star crossed horror of it all.

-The additional Neytiri/Neteyam parallel that comes out in nocorro. They both have forbidden alien romances, and yet Neytiri wouldn't respect or understand Neteyam's without a lot of work. THE SYMBOLIC T R A G E D Y. We could have a moment of Mo'at being like, "Get it together, I accepted your freak. I even like him better than you now sometimes."

-I am currently deeply obsessed with the bonds Na'vi form with their mates. Every author has played with bonds differently, but I feel like a lot of fics have mentioned this concept of being able to feel each others emotions. The fact that the bond is like, more raw and important in the beginning. So Spider and Neteyam keeping their relationship hidden, being separate and secret would be like almost painful. I am so so invested in that idea I want to know More. Like they Have to be near each other, like touch and shit is essential for a healthy bond at first and they’re just like fucking it up. I want to explore Na'vi bond concepts so bad, with some lovely hurt comfort of nocorro being forced apart at the worst time.

-I even like the concept of them being in a healthy, normal relationship, right? They are newly bonded, and everyone loved and supported them from the beginning or what not. They wanted to get mated before the train raid just in case, and then Spider gets fucking taken lol. Tragedy, they AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE APART, the drama of it all.

-I made that soulmate au post where I did all the different types of soulmate aus I could think of and with the one where they can feel and take each others pain I WENT STRAIGHT TO NOCORRO RIGHT AWAY. There’s something so funny and horrifying about spider getting taken and Jake being like “alright go learn an entire new culture” and Neteyam's like on the ground half dead like “but dad I feel like I’m being brain tortured”.

-Neteyam would be so fucking angsty and reckless at Awa'atlu in this au. He feels all of Spider's pain, so he's terrified and scared BUT ALSO CRANKY. He’s saying slightly rude things to his parents and he’s beating the shit out of Ao’nung before Lo’ak can even try. Man is testy. And he's shit at learning to breathe, he is not feeling calm or patient.

-The soulmate au where you can take the others wounds, imagine Spider taking the bullet wound even after they have a (spider inflicted cause he gets hurt more often) pact to not take each others wounds and pain. Horrifying. I have been wondering about the logistics tho, because Spider's body is proportionally different than Neteyam's, would the wound appear somewhere else on his body that would help him possibly survive? I can't decide.

-Oh my god also a version where they hadn't realized yet they were soulmates. Neteyam's all of a sudden devastated and horrified that he's alive at the cost of his soulmate, one he never got to meet, only to look over and notice Spider keeling over. TRAGEDY. pLS I need comfort fics too.

-There’s enough torture porn in this fandom I’m waiting for my Spider romcom. I want to be surprised by how right things start going for my boy, it's never surprising when all the things go bad all the time for him. I want that fucking fast food nocorro au I got so into. I want my soulmate au but they notice from the beginning so they accept him and raise him or something.

-Speaking of a little modern nocorro romcom (still with plenty of angst tho) I’m telling you I’m right Neteyam is P E A K I can fix him. He clocks Spider and is like “now there’s a boy I can fix (sexual).” His sexuality is will my dick cure him? Yes.

-Spider like, coughs once and Neteyam's like that sickly little loser of a man is Mine now, wow. Wow I am going to Save him and it'll be so satisfying. The man has a savior complex you can't convince me otherwise. That meme like "if I had a lame ass boyfriend I would hype him up so hard," that's Neteyam.

-I've always thought that Neteyam and Spider's problems and fights would always be over Neteyam trying to fix all of Spider's problems. Like Spider is just venting about his dad and Neteyam is like "so I'm on the phone with CPS and we're filing a report" and Spider's like "oh my fucking god I just wanted you to listen??" And Neteyam's like but babe I can fix it.

-Neteyam's GROWTH is him like learning to grit his teeth and literally sit on his hands as he forces himself to let Spider have his own problem instead of Babygirl-ifying him. He's literally Too Pure Too Good For This World in the most annoying way possible, he thinks everything can be fixed but maybe Spider's just gotta be broke, we can't superglue this one back together.

-Then Spider's like what if he won't like me if I'm not broken anyway? And it's a whole other complex and a whole other set of issues.

I hope you've enjoyed this word vomit of terrible angst, I need help and I need fluff.

[secretlythepits]

A New Day

Thanks for all the advice and support. As Annie would sing: “Yesterday was plain awful.”

“You can say that again.”

“Yesterday was plain awful.”

“But that’s, not now. That’s then!”

I had two talks. The one with my husband was bad. The one with my son was good. To be honest, that’s the one that really matters. That’s the relationship I have to get right.

I’m in a tricky spot.

We were (I was) considering divorce before his diagnosis. Because of financial and logistical reasons, I knew I wouldn’t leave until the kids finished high school. I don’t want to destabilize them economically and socially. Also, I need time to build my career and health, so it made sense to stay with one foot out the door.

A couple of months ago my husband and I really got into the state of our marriage. Communication has been a huge issue. We started really hashing out things that had been left unsaid. Things improved a bit. I felt heard, but maybe still not quite seen. He said he wanted to get back to a closeness and that was my first choice too. We figured if we both had that as a goal, we could move there.

Yesterday, after we spoke about our fight, I realized that I can’t remember the last time I felt loved by him. How sad is that? I decided to divorce him in my heart, because he is never going to give me what I want and need. He is never going to give me what I deserve. He doesn’t see me and he refuses to open his eyes. I know I am a good person. I know that I have a lot of wonderful things inside of me that I freely share with others, but he just doesn’t even look at me. I stopped showing him who I was, my ideas, my important thoughts, the deepest parts of me, because he is not a safe person for my heart.

But I am still logistically stuck. Me leaving while he is sick would devastate my kids. Our finances haven’t changed. My health hasn’t changed. I don’t want to do lasting damage to my relationship with my children by bailing while their father is dying.

And I don’t hate him. We do have a friendship and a connection to our shared memories and kids that will always be unparalleled. Also, I am a compassionate person and wouldn’t feel right letting him suffer all by himself. I care about him and it hurts to watch his health deteriorate. We can be partners, like in business. We do that pretty well for the most part.

My goal has changed.

I don’t want to work on closeness. I want distance. Miles. Oceans. Continents.

I feel sad about this, but also really, really good about what feels like the ultimate in self-care. I don’t need to torture myself by working on a relationship that has been broken for years. I don’t want a refurbished love, I want a brand spanking new one that sparkles and dazzles. Not now. Not near. In the far off future.

I have more pressing and interesting goals.

1. I am going to build a digital products empire.

2. I am going to host luxury personal development retreats in fabulous international locations.

3. I am going to travel the world.

4. I am going to lose all my extra weight and become very strong.

5. I am going to buy the most colorful, pattern-filled wardrobe ever and wear way too many accessories every day.

That is where I’m going. That is worth getting close to. I can feel my mind, heart, and spirit lining up and clicking into rhythm because I think this has been the destination for a long time. I just wasn’t ready to leave until now.

Thank you, dear readers, for making me not feel alone.