#the later pop albums until like rep.

[ohmygodshesinsane]

ok i am marinating. marinating

[slexenskee]

Running List of No Scrubs Albums

Because even I can't keep up with them anymore lol. I'll update it as I go. Also yes there are 6 official albums with 6 songs each... because Gojo is lame lol. And yes the acoustic albums are 5 songs... because he's extra lame

Spotify Playlist

update as of 09/18/23 bc I'm a f** scrub with commitment issues clearly

1. Thanks, I Hate it Here:

The 2nd album by release order, but first in chronological order of when they played them live. Yes, Gojo was feeling himself in his classic FOB phase real hard on this one lol. I find the evolution of FOB's discography IRL to be really fascinating, so I wanted to emulate it in the fic. This album is almost entirely FOB because Gojo realized flopping around bands and genres was difficult for the rest of his band, so he decided to first focus on one kind of ‘sound’ until they got used to playing together. 

Critics will later call it a bit unpolished and juvenile in comparison to the refined sound, themes, and quality production of later albums, with it's younger and simpler narratives. Thematically it tends to resonate more with a younger crowd, which people accredit to Ru-kun's assumed age of writing at the time (late teens). In other words, it becomes the quintessential 'middle school glory days' playlist for an entire generation of No Scrubs fans.

A Loaded God Complex - (Sugar We're Going Down) FOB

Reinventing the Wheel to Run Myself Over - FOB

In Too Deep - Sum 41

Homesick at Space Camp - FOB

A Little Less Sixteen Candles - FOB

Dance, Dance - FOB

-

2. Good News For People Who Love Bad News

This was No Scrubs' first album ever released on a streaming platform, but it compromises songs more from their 2nd live setlist chronologically. A cult favorite amongst the fans, this album is fun and bratty with a combination of punchy pop punk lyrics, theatrical narratives, and catchy hooks that become unanimous with the band's dramatic flair. No Scrubs always had a rep as an underground alternative band with petty delinquent vibes, but this album definitely solidified them as the patron saint of all the edgy and misunderstood goth punks.

At this point the band had been together for a few years and Gojo definitely felt satisfied with the way the band was coming together and wanted to throw in some more famous mid 2000s pop punk bands into the mix.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner - FOB

I'm Not Okay (I promise) - MCR

In One Ear - Cage the Elephant

But It's Better if You Do - Panic!

I Write Sins not Tragedies - Panic!

Jesus of Suburbia - Green Day

-

3. Death Before Decaf

After playing up the 'pop' quite a bit in the last album, No Scrubs digs deep into some gritty grunge roots with their third album, full of noisy amped up rock anthems. Thematically it was considered their strongest album at the time of release, with intense vocals and lyrics covering dark and personal topics beneath the guise of their distinctive and iconic instrumental riffs. The juxtaposition between the catchy sing-along hooks and the depressing deeper meaning to the words made this album an instant classic. It remains a fan favorite of music critics for Ru-kun's scorchingly honest handling of raw and deeply personal themes like suicide, depression, and substance abuses. After the identities of the band members became public, it became a hotly debated album amongst No Scrubs fans, who consider it a cathartic outlet for a lot of the trauma that turned Ru-kun into a villain, but also a worrying one full of suicidal ideation, alcoholism, drugs, and child abuse.

On his part, Gojo was feeling nostalgic for his youth and felt it an affront that the likes of Nirvana and Weezer had never been experienced in the MHA universe. He gets asked about these songs a lot, specifically about Today, Semi-Charmed Life, and Say it Ain't So, which all seem to allude to a dark history. He often tells people Semi-Charmed Life is one of his favorite songs ever, which doesn't help matters, and also alarms several psychologists, who worry he's romanticizing what was clearly a very unhealthy time in his life.

My Own Worst Enemy - Lit

Today is the Greatest - (Today) Smashing Pumpkins

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana

Come As You Are - Nirvana

Say It Ain't So - Weezer

Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind

-

4. Glass Onion Heart

Aka the "Baby boy who hurt you???" album inspiring sexuality crises across the world

Glass Onion Heart feels like a wild card of metamorphosis from No Scrubs' prior albums, with the addition of more electronic, pop, and synth instrumental mixing. Combined with the explosive and flashy tour that accompanied the album's release, it felt like a radical departure from the band's classic garage-band sound, into a more streamlined, pop format.

The album was met with divisiveness from fans, not helped by the news of the band's breakup following the album release and subsequent tour. While many adored the new direction, long-time fans mourned the loss of the quintessential indie and underground 'No Scrubs' aesthetic, especially when faced with the thought of their final album. Nonetheless, it was the band's most popular album at time of release by a wide margin. It certainly helped the album's popularity that Ru-kun did the entire tour in drag.

At this point fans the world over became intrigued by No Scrubs and their burgeoning fame, prompting Gojo to name the album 'Glass Onion' after the Beatles song of the same name, because there is no deeper meaning to any of his songs, he's literally ripping them off from bands that don't exist. Fans spend way too long trying to figure out who this album was inspired by - who could have possibly broken their precious Ru-kun's heart?? - and as we enlightened No Scrubs fans know, it was no one. Literally no one. Gojo just really liked this femme fatale vibe, and decided to cross dress the entire tour because of it.

Tokyo - The Wombats

Dance Floor Anthem - Good Charlotte

Thanks for the Memories - Fall Out Boy

I'm the Leading Man - (This Ain't a Scene) Fall Out Boy

Moving to New York - The Wombats

Misery Business - Paramore

-

5. Infinity on High

Hailed as a return to the unfettered, unabashed, anti-establishment garage-band jam-session appeal that had people flocking to No Scrubs in their heyday, this album made an intense splash as No Scrubs' Comeback Album. Despite the return to their signature gritty rock sound, this album was in fact the most produced of any of No Scrubs' albums. This album marks both the return of No Scrubs as well as their launch into global superstardom.

Ironically, Gojo named this after his favorite FOB album (I mean it IS called Infinity lol) despite not including a single FOB track. Fans widely consider "Island in the Sun" to be specifically about Hawks, which Gojo never confirms or denies (although he definitely did think the similarities to their island mission were amusing). In reality, the song that reminds him of Hawks - and himself - the most is Mayonnaise, which might be why it's one of his favorites.

Holiday - Green Day

Cherub Rock - Smashing Pumpkins

Cool Enough - (Mayonnaise) Smashing Pumpkins

1979 - Smashing Pumpkins

Island in the Sun - Weezer

Wake Me Up - (Wake Me Up When September Ends) Green Day

-

Bonus: Don't You Know Who (I Think) I AM? Acoustic Album

The first of Ru-kun's unexpected - and according to Makoto, utterly unplanned - acoustic albums, this bonus LP was met with delight and excitement from fans after Ru-kun had teased its release on Twitter. The intimate and personal nature of the simplistic mixing gave this album a cult following, and brought in a new segment of music fans that No Scrubs' music normally didn't appeal to.

Nobody Puts Baby In the Corner - Fall Out Boy

Grand Theft Autumn - Fall Out Boy

My Heart is the Worst Kind of Weapon - Fall Out Boy

Notion - Rare Occasions

No Such Thing - John Mayer

-

Bonus: Take (Me) With a Grain of Salt

Despite the critical acclaim this acoustic album (and the full band versions eventually released afterwards) it was met with a lot of incendiary response at the time of its release. No Scrubs had finally achieved global stardom and was regularly topping hit charts across the world with the release of their album Infinity on High - and while music critics unanimously praised the EP as a worthy contender for Album of the Year, it was generally acknowledged truth that the album's popularity was owed in no small part to lead singer Ru-kun's sudden infamy that coincided at the same time.

The unfathomable depths of Ru-kun's new celebrity status in parallel to the band's brand of off-label, anti-establishment themes created friction within the fanbase. Many accused them of taking advantage of the current media coverage to promote sales, which bassist and band leader Makoto clapped back as 'just doing smart business'. In general, consensus was positive towards the sentiment; capitalizing on Ru-kun's fame and releasing an album in parallel to his identity reveal was just genius marketing.

However the timing of the release of Ru-kun's second acoustic album kicked up the discourse once again, with fans decrying the release as 'a fake sellout' aimed to exploit current gossip trends. However the album's drop was sudden and unexpected - with little to no pre-release marketing - lending credence to the narrative that Ru-kun wrote this album under the emotional duress of his personal life at the time.

Due to the staggering popularity of the acoustic album, the band eventually recorded and released a B-Side with full band versions.

Disenchanted - MCR

Stay Together For the Kids - Blink-182

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

How's It Going To Be - Third Eye Blind

All These Things That I've Done - The Killers

[greatestwizardofthisage]

assigning each of the bad kids a taylor swift era because i am feeling deprived of tswift content now that she's on break from the eras tour

Kristen: Fearless. I can't even explain why, but to me that album is just so sunny and in my mind it fits Kristen perfectly. I think maybe it's because Fearless was one of the first album I ever really loved, then when I was older the rerecording is what got me back into tswift and I can totally see Kristen going through a similar journey with it where maybe she loves it as a kid but then stops listening to it as she distances herself from her childhood/family, only to fall in love with it again later on. Also I feel like the country vibes fit her well. (She would also LOVE betty but she would pretend it's a lesbian anthem)

Gorgug: Ok this feels controversial but he's a Lover stan. I just fully belive that to his core Gorgug is a lover not a hater and he would un ironically love Lover. Like to me that album is all about having gone through some bad shit and choosing to only carry forward the best of it? And that fits with my perception of Gorgug. ALSO the end of afterglow 'I want to be defined by the things that I love, not the things that I hate, or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night' just feels very Gorgug coded to me dont ask me why. However if you've seen any of my other posts about music and the bad kids you know that I wholeheartedly believe Gorgug loves all music so I think he'd be hard pressed to choose a favourite album.

Riz: Midnights. And not just because this kid never sleeps. Bassically I really couldn't decide which album he would listen to because none of them really fit, but then I started thinking about specific lyrics and I think Midnights has the most that he could relate to. I mean 'no one wanted to play with me as a little kid so I've been scheming like a criminal ever since' is about him. You can't change my mind. I do think though that Riz is definitely more invested in all the easter eggs and firguring out which album is coming next over actually listening to her music. Like he would for sure be among the first to figure out all her clues.

Fabian: 1989 and Folklore. I fully to the bottom of my heart belive that until his sophmore year Fabian would exclusivly be listening to pop music, sea shanties, and weird elven music. So obviously he would love the greatest pop album ever made. He wouldn't listen to Folklore until post sophmore character development. Also he would For Sure learn the choreography for the dance in the background of Dress on the Rep tour and recreat it perfectly using his sheet.

Fig: Speak Now. I mean do I even need to explain this? It's the perfect album for Fig. It's the kind of thing she would have loved when she was in her Preppy Cheerleader phase, but it has just enough of that pop punk influence that I feel like she could still appreciate it when she's older. I feel like she would definitly take issue with some of the misogynistic lyrics used in some of the songs, and would be all for the lyric change in Better Than Revenge. Also as I've mentioned many times before, Fig would love Paramore, and would LOVE Castles Crumbling. Like you're going to sit here and tell me that lines like 'They used to cheer when they saw my face, Now I fear I have fallen from grace' + 'Their faith was strong, but I pushed it too far, I held that grudge 'til it tore me apart' + 'Ones I loved tried to help, so I ran them off, And here I sit alone, behind walls of regret' + 'People look at me like I'm a monster, Now they're screaming at the palace front gates, used to chant my name, Now they're screaming that they hate me, Never wanted you to hate me' weren't written by Figueroth Faeth? I also just think songs like Never Grow Up and Long Live would perfectly fit with her not so secret sentimental streak.

Adaine: Evermore and Folklore. I think theres just a sort of elegence to these albums that really reminds me of Adaine. I also think theres so much vulnerability in them and a lot of the songs touch on feelings of not being good enough for others (mirrorball, tolerate it, this is me trying, right where you left me) that I think she could relate to not from a romantic relationship standpoint but from all the expectations placed on her by her parents. I also think that although these are probably the most low key of tswifts albums, they have some good angry songs (no body no crime, illicit affairs, mad woman) that she would definitly love. But yeah this is mostly based on aesthetics. Evermore and Folklore were albums written with a quill and Adaine is the kind of girl to appreciate this.

[starstruckpurpledragon]

So there I was checking through my music on Amazon because the app wasn't downloading one of the Up Here songs for some reason so I was just gonna download it through the browser. Which was a chore in a half to get it to download because the Amazon Music browser experience is shit.

And then there's an ad for Amazon Music Unlimited that loads after I'd already clicked something on the page. Now I went to click the close button but I'm not sure I actually did before the damn thing is redirecting away (possibly having captured my click on the page for something other than what I was actually clicking) to what I thought was some kind of sign up page and not a congrats you have a fucking subscription you did not actually agree to page. I went back, downloaded my music, thought everything was fine.

Until I got an email a few minutes later congratulating me on my subscription that I had not actually agreed to in any way shape or fucking form. So guess who is now on hold with Amazon's customer service to get a refund on a subscription that I did not fucking agree to in the first place. It's been a long day, I'm tired, I do not have the patience for this shit but I'm trying really hard to be polite to the customer service rep because it's not her fault the Amazon website is so fucking predatory and customer hostile. And fucking illegal, I'm pretty sure that was not a legal move there on their part by having a pop up ad on a random page of the music part of their website act as confirmation for a subscription instead of taking you to the actual purchase screen and confirming it there.

It looks like I should receive a refund in a few days since, you know, refunds are processed based on business days and shit. My money can be spent without my permission easy, but not refunded as quickly. >_< And then there's like... seven bucks in promotional funds that I've asked if I can also get back because, hey, I was gonna buy books with that and then this predatory, unethical, (probably illegal) subscription thing ate them.

Anyway, moral of the story is... don't use Amazon Music to buy music anymore I guess. Admittedly, I've had the Up Here album for a while so it's not like this was a new purchase that suddenly bit me. Just noticed it was a song short and the app just... would not download it for me. Kept hitting some random error. So, hey, browser should be an easy alternative to access the shit I've already purchased right?

Pretty sure I'm just... not gonna buy music through Amazon at all after this.

(Okay, so she was able to get me the promotional credits back. So big kudos to her.)

[notebookmusical]

Hi!!! I'm so sorry I didn't reply until now. This week has been blah and I've felt more tired than usual. I love it all too and I loved seeing Long Live live so much, but I mostly understand why they were cut. I like everything how it is, but I would probably change the Evermore and Red songs the most. I would get rid of We are Never and I guess 22 for State of Grace and Red, which is an awesome opener and title track that sets up the whole album. I would not get rid of ATW 10 at all omg!!! For Evermore, I would probably get rid of Tis the Damn Season and Tolerate it, even though I like the table setup. I would probably put Gold Rush instead or maybe Long Story Short and would hypothetically want Evermore since it's another title track and my fav. I still liked her solo version of it too. I think I would try to add Our Song somewhere but it's a good thing its in the movie! I definitely love Look What You Made Me do with the other Taylors and the Don't Blame Me transition. The thing about rep to me..is I like every song but I don't really have specific favorites in the album as much. I feel the same way about 1989 sort of but Iove the singles, so I don't know if I would change anything on tour.

I am excited to hear it later tonight though omg!!! I forgot which song you said you were the most interested in or the most excited to hear. For me, I think it's still Slut and between Suburban Legends or Is it Over Now. Did you see the lyric snippets she posted and which songs do you think they were a part of? The first one reminded me of Holy Ground cuz of the coffee lyric mixed with a little bit of I Wish You Would but then someone said it was more chasing shadows in the grocery line lyric and I might prefer it if the song did have more longing actually so I guess we will see. That might also change what song I'll think it's from. When she did these for Midnights, I was pretty good at guessing a few of them. I am more interested in the pool lyric cuz of aquamarine for now but we will see if she shares another one later today too! Do you listen in order or vault first? I'm still gonna try shuffle for this one and see how it goes. If you have any other predictions for the songs, you can put them here. I am very curious on the sound, though I have no idea what it could be. I think there could be another slowish dreamy song and maybe it will be the new closer. Even though most of the songs are pretty short, I'm hoping they are still amazing and I'm sure they will be! Also, I wanted to ask you if you plan to listen to The Good Witch too cuz I really don't know if I should listen to Maisie or Taylor first. Like I feel like I wanna save Taylor for last but then I will be too excited..and maybe it depends on how long the album will be, but I also wanna hear Maisie's songs too, and I don't know what to do.

For Midnights, I honestly just consider the 3AM version the main version. I think when we heard it, it was all together cuz it was almost midnight and we were barely still getting thru the main album. I remember being the most excited for Midnight Rain, and Lavender Haze, and Antihero. I did not really like Midnight Rain on the first listen and my prediction of the song was wrong. I thought Lavender Haze might be an old fashioned 50s Broadway style love song from the way she talked about it and that was wrong lol. Antihero has become one of my favorites and I liked it when I first heard it but it wasn't an instant love either. The album grew on me a lot but my favorites have stayed mostly the same, and we have some of the same favorites! I think I'm going to listen to it later to get in a 1989 pop mood and I haven't heard it in a while.

Anyway I listened to Hollys album again and I think my favorites are Into Your Room, Ghost Me, Antichrist Lauren and Elvis Impersonators. Some of the songs blended and I think I need more time but I really enjoy the whole album. I think some of her older songs stand out to me more though at this point, like Scarlet and Walls are Way too thin.

Ya stunt casts are always sort of mixed for me, but if it works and gets more people to see shows, then I guess it's a good thing. Ya I was wondering how you felt about Jordan Fisher in the role. I knew it was rumored but didn't know it was confirmed, and I would be interested to see him in the role. I hope you have fun at the tour and I think seeing someone else might make a difference in a good way, even though I like Reeve. The only thing about the Waitress proshot is I'm not used to Sara in the role haha but I'm sure she's still good. Idk if I will see it yet but I do want to at some point and hope I don't forget about it. I realized I never got around to watching the Heather's proshot either, except it wasn't one of my favorite musicals. I seriously meant to watch Daddy Long Legs and Allegiance at some point..like I had both on my old computer, but never got around to it! I have listened to the cast recording of Daddy Long Legs though and know the basic plot and meant to watch the old movie version from the 50s. I remember one of the things my sister said was she has such an interesting voice too and thats why some songs would always get stuck in my head. I love She Loves Me and have seen a non pro shot version of First Date before. I've never had Broadwayhd but always wanted to check it out. I try to watch as many proshots as I can. I've never heard of Snapshots but it sounds interesting mixing Stephen Schwartz shows. Haha yes, we have actually already discussed Smash more than once in your asks but I do love it. I wonder what happened to the Smash musical. By the way, I heard Gatsby got mixed reviews but at least I think the costumes I saw made it look better and the sets were gorgeous!

Les Mis was great but now I can barely remember it! I can't believe I went but it almost doesn't feel like it. I loved him as Marius! He has a good voice and I always love Empty Chairs. My sister said she actually didn't care for Enjolras on tour and preferred Aaron in the movie and also that Jean Valjean sounded like Hugh Jackman from the movie, but it could be that we are too used to it even if I do love it..but seeing it on stage obviously just feels different and it's better. Just remember that reading or annotating is supposed to be a hobby so just take your time if you want, since it's so long. Eventually you will make some progress. Honestly I haven't had a lot of time for reading either if it makes you feel better. I did make time to start our buddy read which I wanted to do before I replied to you cuz I read that you said you didn't like it as much, and wanted to see how I felt about it. only read 2 chapters so far. I thought it was okay, but I think the thing that threw me off was that I never read third person so I would have to get used to that. If you don't want to read it anymore for now though, I can also start the Night Circus..even if it's not October anymore lol. Also I realized that I might have been confusing the Starless Sea with the book that you said you hated..the house in the cerulean sea lol. I realized I don't even know what that book is about but maybe I will try to find it if I like the Night Circus. But another person I follow said they loved the Starless Sea too and it's definitely one of their favorites so I might have to check it out. Oh I did not know that about Only Murders but I know the newest season revolves around a theater show and does have music or singing in it so thats awesome. Also..I actually know nothing about hockey at all! I remember it was a category on connections at one point and I was so clueless, but I hope you had an awesome time at the game! Anyway have a blast listening to the album tonight and I will reply with my reactions and opinions so we can talk about it!!!!

i was just thinking about you, friend! i've been looking forward to hearing from you, but no pressure on when you pop into my askbox 🤍 i hope your week gets better soon, and you get to rest this weekend!! do you have anything fun planned?

ugh i love state of grace — i do prefer the acoustic but it's such a good song. "mosaic broken hearts" is one of my favorite phrases that taylor's ever written. and i was lowkey always surprised gold rush never made it on the eras setlist, but then also a lot of things about the eras setlist surprised me (like no mashups). her solo version of evermore is so good; i really hope there's a live album of the surprise songs!

and i did! i think the 300 coffees one is from is it over now, but i'm not sure what the aquamarine one is from! othe chasing shadows line is so good too, i love cardigan. i'm still upset it was cut from the movie (despite understanding why she did that). i'm really bad at guessing things so we'll see! i would love a slowish dreamy song, but i feel like 1989 will be more pop upbeat stuff this time. i'm going to listen in order, but i might actually listen to maisie's good witch deluxe first and then 1989!

i'm still holding out hope for a 3 am vinyl. i love the way midnight rain is done on tour (i think a lot of midnights is perfect for touring, actually). i do think that 1989 and midnights seem more like sisters, than midnights/anything else — including lover; what do you think?

and yay!! i'm so happy to see that you listened to holly again! i do think some of them sound a bit similar, and i think that my favorites from her ep (scarlett, the walls are way too thin, deep end, etc) still outrank how i feel about my favorites on PMBB, but am curious to see how that'll change with more listens/over time!

i think jordan fisher will be great, vocally! there's been a lot of jokes about if he shows up to work (from when they were in deh) but i think jordan's always been a very strong vocalist and i'm really interested in his interpretation! i've never seen sara in waitress, but i have some friends who REALLY love her, so i'm excited to one day see the proshot! i am so bad at watching things — it's been years and i still haven't watched the come from away proshot either, and i love that show. i loveeee megan mcginnis' voice, it's so pretty! i also really like how she sings in some things are meant to be (little women)! i remember that now 😭 sorry! i haven't looked into the gatsby musical too much after we talked about it!! i'll look at some reviews and then we can chat about it next time :")

i'm so glad you got to see gregory as marius before he left!! i just love his marius! and yes — i am so excited to buddy read! are we still buddy reading both books? which book did you get two chapters into? happy to match your pace, obviously! i am finishing up an audiobook (hopefully tonight) and then am good to start something else! i love the starless sea! but i do hate the house in the cerulean sea!! the house in the cerulean sea is probably up there for my least favorite books of all time (for many reasons). if you want i'll also buddy read starless sea with you! a quick note for night circus — pay attention to the dates! i didn't realize it wasn't chronological the first time i read it and had to restart after a friend pointed it out to me.

wait do you play connections daily!! i play connections religiously; i love it. i had a blast at that game, and i feel like every time i go see a game in person i get more into the sport — i've been watching the last two kraken games online, which has been really fun (i used to lowkey just follow updates but now i'm watching from home and learning a lot more)!

by the time you read + reply, you'll probably have listened to the vault tracks + good witch deluxe so i'll leave you with some questions! what were your favorites, and initial thoughts? least favorites? how accurate were your predictions?

hope you're having a good weekend + have some time to rest!! xx

[reversecreek]

pops hip n winks at the dash. haaaaiiii. me again. i’ve honestly missed playing lana fr a while she’s one of. my most treasured muses bc she’s jst a silly n vivacious ball of sunshine or alternatively? a train wreck depending on which way u turn her in the light..... i actually hv two playlists made fr her n one is rly old bt it’s more like. songs that Remind me of her which u can find here n then here is more like. stuff u’ll most often catch her blasting on her record player as she dances around in her underwear w the curtains open. OH and here is her pinterest 🍓⚡

* kristine froseth, cis female + she/her  | you know lana jameson, right? they’re twenty-three, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, a few hours? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to play that funky music by wild cherry like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole cherry red gym socks worn with nothing else, doodling penises in the condensation of a stranger’s car window, a bumper sticker on the back of a convertible cadillac that says ‘scrappy doo is a filthy slut’ thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is june 2nd, so they’re a gemini, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her  )

HISTORY:

lana grew up in a big house in albany, NY. i picture it w dark oak floors n lots of light furniture. albums framed on walls. mayb some rolling stone covers too frm way bk when of the bands her dad’s label signed. kind of like… a rock star palace w no evidence of children at all. i think i described it best in one of lana’s self paras once when i said the garden ws “as big as it was unloved”

lana’s mum victoria (vic) ws a music journalist w a pretty fruitful career ahead of her when she met lana’s dad richard (rich). his record label ws jst starting out, founded on the coattails of his wealthy best friend’s (jensen peters) investment w his other best friend (who he jst calls knoxville). it rocketed to success when they signed poppy injects, a rock band w an electric stage presence, n vic ws drawn to the glitz n glamour of a man tht ws at the helm of his aspiring industry. their love ws very impulsive, all or nothing right frm the start, n it ws almost like she ws mre in love w his accomplishments n what he represented than him.

(DRUGS TW) anyway so jameson records repped a few rock bands bk in the eighties, altho poppy injects r who they’re mostly known fr, namely bc of hw brightly they crashed n burned. they were a big chart success bt the lead singer hd quite an intense struggle w heroin (wsnt rly subtle abt it either while he ws in the public eye as u cn probably imagine frm such an on-the-nose band name) n he ws always in n out of the papers. it eventually brought down his career n it ws a big publicity nightmare

lana pretty much… grew up around figures like this throughout childhood. real characters who wld kind of… b extremely volatile n destructive abt their troubles. the jameson house was an open one as welcoming clients went n a lot of parties took place there. a lot of the time musicians wld b snorting lines in the kitchen when she wnted to grab a bowl of cereal fr breakfast n it was just. a very strange environment fr a child to grow up in. more zoo than home. more shaken snow globe than resting place. (END OF TW)

(ABORTION REFERENCE) her parents always kind of jst… didn’t like her much. her older brother caleb ws unplanned bt they sort of welcomed the surprise more bt… quickly realised they weren’t cut out fr parenthood n then when lana came as another surprise 3 yrs later they didn’t even try to hide their resentment abt the situation. her mum ws actually booked in to have an abortion bt cldnt go through with it at the last minute. once when lana ws a kid she asked her why she’s so cold towards her she jst turned her head frm her dresser, looked at her, told her abt this n said “idk why i didn’t go”. lana didn’t kno wht to say to tht so she jst left her room n closed the door (END OF REFERENCE)

(DISSOCIATION TW) bc of the intensity of her parents ignoring her growing up lana adopted this sense of like…. she didn’t rly kno what it ws bt it ws a delusion of sorts where she thought she ws a ghost bc she gt this strange outside feeling. she’d jst sort of… drift around the halls w no-one acknowledging her n sometimes she ws jst convinced she wsnt actually there or they cldnt see her n she ws jst haunting the house frm a previous family. (END OF TW) her imagination festered an explanation out of smthn she didn’t understand essentially. lana used her imagination to do this a lot growing up. it ws kind of like the band aid she slapped over everything. after all she wasn’t alone if she was sword fighting imaginary pirates dwn the hallway with a poker from the fireplace. 

the one saving grace tho tht sort of?? gt her thru this n made her feel Seen ws caleb. lana quite genuinely hs always thought the sun shines out of her older brothers ass like she jst thinks. he’s the best person in the entire world. wld b rly bewildered if anyone questioned tht. he wld always look out for her n cut the crusts off her sandwiches (he’d cook fr them most of the time bc their parents were too busy/didn’t care to) n sometimes wld even sleep at the bottom of her bed curled up like a guard dog. it ws always lana n caleb n his best friend tommy against the world in tht house (tommy lived next door bt was always over bc he had very strict parents tht he found suffocating)

(ARMY MENTION) SO when tommy announced tht he’d signed up to the army (bc of pressures from tommy’s military dad to fulfil some kind of stupid “legacy” tommy didn’t even care abt) n caleb said he was going with him lana ws understandably…….. completely blindsided. she ws rly upset tht they were leaving n was kind of like “wtf why are u doing this like what do u even think this is gna solve” etc n begged caleb not to leave her there on her own n jst to not sign up in general bc tommy had to bt he didn’t listen. 

ERM i won’t go into it but it didn’t turn out well as u can probably imagine bc the army is a terrible industry n caleb had to return home without tommy. he wasn’t the same after that. (END OF MENTION)

what’d been a rly close relationship before where he ws basically like a surrogate father figure to lana was Not there any more. he ws rly withdrawn n always pushing her away n snapping at her for the sake of getting her to leave him alone. on top of this lana had a lot of shit go down while he was away n rly just shouldn’t have been a kid alone in tht house. regardless lana thought if she kept grinning as wide as she cld she’d convince caleb to join in too. maybe if she seemed fine n happy he’d take the lead. maybe she’d believe it too n start to feel it n everything could go bk to how it was before her world became so different. lana liked the way the sky flipped when she tipped her head back on the swings bt this was different. everything was upside down bt this didn’t make her belly feel like she’d swallowed a butterfly and it wasn’t funny bt still, she kept laughing. always desperate to find something to laugh at n if she couldn’t find it she invented it. as long as ur laughing the world can’t b that bad.

she ws always well liked in school bc she jst tended to treat everyone like they were bffs no matter who like u cld have literally bumped shoulders w her once in the corridor n she’d be like OMG HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII let’s kiss<3 n like she ws a huge notorious flirt w any n all as well as incredibly impulsive n jst. wild honestly to put it simply too bt things like. changed a bit frm 16 onwards. (HYPERSEXUALITY & IMPLIED TRAUMA TW) she jst became far more reckless honestly n like....... jst didn’t rly seem to care after a certain point abt herself too much.... got herself in a bunch of bad situations.......... kind of jst flung herself to the wolves numerous times without any caution abt the way they’d bite. formed a lot of self destructive habits one of which ws cruising craigslist personals fr random hook-ups n like. she literally cld have wound up in a ditch somewhere honestly it’s a shock she hasn’t. despite various dips n inclines in her journey navigating this side of her it’s very much still present in her life to this day n she struggles to kno hw to control herself at points. sometimes she feels like a melting candle tht needs moulding by thumbs until it can form a person again. sometimes she’s only sure she’s real when she’s being touched. (END OF TW)

ANYWAY. laughs nervously. went to college to study dance bc she’s always loved dance in general bt specifically ballet (despite definitely not hving the discipline for it) n honestly this was both good n bad fr her. had a whole string of terrible heartbreaking relationships bc she tends to fall into those hard n fast n they were w a lot of bad people fr like 98% of the time. she kind of learned more abt what love is during her time there tho which is a gd thing bt she still isn’t very good at knowing hw to believe she deserves it so it’s a process. she hd fun tho. threw 498572598475 outrageous n elaborately themed parties. ws friends w pretty much everyone on campus. 

despite a strained relationship w her brother n having to go home to visit n check on him whenever he got rly bad it ws the first time it actually felt like she’d found a home in a lot of rly loving n genuine friendships n lana will never forget hw much that experience meant to her even if she definitely struggled there too. college felt like a place she belonged n then suddenly she couldn’t belong there any more n there was a big sense of floundering in that. like where do u go now when u’ve never known home elsewhere? how do u happily go out into the world if it means leaving ur world behind?

she applied to a dance company in LA n fell in w a pretentious art scene there full of wannabe andy warhols n the like. became a makeshift edie sedgwick to some guy w dyed white hair n the idea his every concept was revolutionary when rly he jst shot her dancing barely clothed splashing around in a random fountain in his friend’s mansion on an ancient film camera. she’d spend her days floating around on lilo’s and prancing in feather boas and racing with glitter leftover frm last night in her leotard w smudges of faint red lipstick to barely make her job on time. always a sexy train wreck bt this time? make it hollywood. 

(IMPLIED ALCOHOLISM TW) i won’t lie to u lana hs always partied way too hard bt then partying way too hard turned into slurping merlot thru a crazy straw shaped like a flamingo at 4 in the afternoon wearing penis novelty sunglasses n it wasn’t quite so much of a party when u were doing it on ur own. this rly snowballed into place in college bt carried on n wound up getting her fired from the dance company bc she turned up to rehearsals drunk one too many times n they didn’t allow fr sloppiness like tht. it was a “professional operation” that didn’t “accept that kind of behaviour” bt lana was jst like ummmmmmmmm that’s totally dramatic btw way to spank me in the town square like i’m gale w a raw ass n back in the hunger games bt ok sure i’m out ig. BOOP! (literally booped the director on the nose before leaving) (END OF TW)

honestly hd no idea what to do w herself after her job fell thru in LA n was pretty embarrassed actually upon sobering up the nxt day. cldn’t bring herself to tell her friends for a hot minute bc she felt like a failure or smthn n she was meant to be living this glamorous life out there being the classic wild n silly n fun Lana Jameson. cldn’t figure out how to repackage it into a funny story tht wouldn’t worry ppl. eventually wound up jst caving n telling her closest besties (shoutout freya n rosa) bc she ws hving a weird time dating losers n randomly living in LA even tho she didn’t kno why she was there any more after losing the job n they were jst like. fk it then. jst come here. we’re in irving. and so? mizz jameson packed her bags....

PERSONALITY:

always smells vaguely of wild cherries or strawberry starburst or jst the candy aisle in general. if she ws a vinyl record she’d b this one n she’d only play good vibrations by the beach boys, dancing on my own by robyn, play that funky music by wild cherry, femme fatale by the velvet underground n (i can’t get no) satisfaction by the rolling stones

the jameson family r pretty well off n bc of her relation to such a big music industry figure she’s hung out w a fair few relatively high rep ppl thru her teens. mostly kids of celebrities n stuff like tht. she amassed a bit of an instagram following #nepotism bt also fr her style (v penny lane-esque in some aspects. lots of fur cuff trimmed jackets bt then also jst…. a wild combination of everything honestly. pastel faux fur coats, seventies style platforms, bright red cowboy boots, pink fishnet tights, holographic stickers of planets on her cheek n glitter used like highlight, 90% of the time a red lip) n bc she’s not gna make ur eyes bleed to look at or anything let’s b real

growing up lana was always a huge social butterfly. knew everyone n everyone knew her. she ws one of those girls tht ws kind of impossible to ignore or forget. very animated, always made u feel like u were the centre of the universe whenever she spoke to u, always made it feel like u were best friends even if ud only spoken to her once.

deliberately puts on tht kind of Magnetic Alluring Act tht femme fatales wear in movies w most ppl. kind of…. is always playing A Role of the person tht she wants to b seen as. hates being sad n always wnts to be happy / making ppl happy. chameleons to situations. feels like she’s performed as the vivacious n fun loving Lana Jameson fr so long tht she doesn’t rly kno who she is beneath tht bt she isn’t too keen to find out. sometimes gets glimpses n feels the urge to close her eyes.

she’s always been rly spontaneous n adventurous. always doing something weird n wild every weekend. she has ten thousand ridiculously absurd n chaotic stories. she’s like oh ya this one time this guy made me ride him with a daddy saddle like i was woody and he was bullseye. he literally made me call him bullseye. or she’s like. oh ya once i had to run barefoot thru a cabbage patch bc this one farmer wanted to have a threeway w me n my friend tht we met off craigslist n every framed photo in his house was a pig dressed up in cosplay bt honestly they were kind of cute n he was sexy aside frm the murderous vibes n the fact he kept calling me babe which i’m pretty sure means he wanted to dress me up next bt like whatever honestly.... she tells jst the most batshit stuff n the person she’s telling it to is left blinking like. wtf.

uncontrollably flirty. insanely confident. cld make a joke out a paper bag n will try. she tends to laugh when she feels like crying n has a smile brighter than a ray of texas sunshine.

likes to roller skate n hs a red pair she’ll glide around in at night lit up by amber street lamps breath sticky w the taste of wine n lollipops probably heading to a random hookups. who needs ubers?

always dapples her fingers thru the breeze when she’s driving in a car w the window down. honestly likes dangling her whole body halfway out too. she almost always has some sort of sweet on her, whether it’s sour haribo cherries or strawberry lollipops.

luvs bowie (ONLY aesthetically) n prince (wholeheartedly) n madonna (completely) n anyone tht’s a vintage style icon w little care fr what ppl think.

daisies n poppies r her fav flowers bc daisies r wild n overlooked n poppies r the first thing u look at in a green field. she’s had like 8472493874 ‘relationships’ n none of them hav lasted beyond a month / hav been terrible / hav seen her being treated badly / she’s cheated on them. honestly it’s like a burning train wreck but u can’t quite tear ur eyes away. often the heart of many sordid gossip scandals.

PLOTS:

TBA bc she’s only jst arrived in town i won’t lie to u all but i’m gna whip things up on here anyway n link in chat w updates at some point........ that said? lana is insatiable n it isn’t rly unlikely tht she cld’ve bumped into ur muse in a grocery store aisle n somehow a wild spontaneous adventure spawned frm that alone.......... if u have any immediate ideas we can discuss 😋

[scotianostra]

Another musical birthday boy is Robert Bernard Andrew “Bobby” Gillespie who was born June 22nd 1962 in Glasgow.

Most people would be happy being famous for being in one iconic band, but like our last Birthday Boy Jimmy Somerville, Bobby has been in two great Scottish groups, he was drummer  for The Jesus and Mary Chain in the mid-1980s before going on to be a founding member of the alternative rock band, Primal Scream.

Born and raised in the south side district of Mount Florida in Glasgow, he attended Kings Park Secondary School. His father is Bob Gillespie was a union rep and aspiring politician. Before joining The Jesus and Mary Chain Bobby roadied for Clare Grogan’s Altered Images, later joining ex “Images” man Gerard “Caesar” McInulty in the indie pop band The Wake who had a wee bit success, notably playing support on tour with New Order

By 1982 he had already formed Primal Scream and splitting his time between the two groups before leaving The Jesus and Mary Chain to devote his time to the former in 1986. Although well known in the 80’s around the Scottish Indie scene it wasn’t until Screamadelica was released in 1991 that the band had their breakthrough, since then they have went on to be one of the most successful Scottish groups with 11 studio albums.

While Festivals are being cancelled, Prima Screaam were playing Bigfoot., this weekend, although capacity was limited to 4,000 to comply with current guidelines. Let’s hope all goes to plan, I can’t report on it as I am away in Scotland’s ,most Northerly town, Thurso for a wee break and have scheduled these posts over the weekend. 

Loaded is my fave song by the band. 

[theprologues]

I agree she had the general idea of folklore planned out well before the pandemic. She was supposed to be done with lover concerts in August and she may have planned to release it fall 2020. She also said she had a few songs done before the pandemic (most likely jack songs.) MTR for sure. She’s been a huge fan of The National forever and the aesthetic fits the later lover era and some Lover songs like the Archer. Like she was transitioning to more of an indie era after the pastel pop explosion of the Me! era. Just like the beginning of rep era was all black ninjahood but by mid-2018 she was prancing around in bright colors getting pap’d, transitioning to Lover era.

Evermore I’m less sure about. She could have not planned sister albums and it was spontaneous as she said, or it could have been planned for the first half of 2022. The 8 and 9 theory is just a theory.

Everything is just a theory until it's not...

[natromanxoff]

... But I have to admit… that maybe this night in New York City, with Brian May from Queen, might have had something to do with my decision to give up the “big party” for good.

We were both in town for CMJ: the huge music/publishing festival that takes place annually in New York.

I flew in with my band, Brian was there solo.

But we were both on Hollywood Records and so the president of the record company wanted to take us both out to a schmooz dinner, after we played CBGB’s that night.

Our job was to impress publishers, journalists, radio station owners in hopes that they would find us “down to earth” yet “intelligent and witty” and therefore, want to buy our music or play our music because not only were we talented but heck… we were just damn good people.

Now… I have always been good at schmoozing… it’s just something you have to do when you are playing in “The Show” but deep down inside…. it always made me extremely nervous and super sick to my stomach.

So, when it came time to leave for the big dinner party, my band thought it would be great if I drank a few margaritas and tequila shots with them… just to relax me before the special event.

Well, anyone that has been drinking in New York, knows that the bartenders of the Big Apple really like to make their cocktails strong and so… next thing I knew… I was in a limo, heading to a dinner party… empty stomach… well… now full of booze… and pretty much already bordering on inebriated.

My A&R person was trying to get me to pay attention as she did the run down on who would be there and why it was important to impress them but… I was in a bit of a stupor, looking out the passenger side window, enjoying the street lights, and basically spun out in my own little world.

“D.D.,” she snapped. “This is serious.”

So I gathered myself together and tried to sober myself long enough to at least LOOK interested in what she was saying.

We arrived at the restaurant: Upscale Mexican. Tequila and Margaritas strewn across the table.

This was going to be bad.

My thoughts of getting a coke or a cup of coffee to get myself back on track dissipated.

The record company president handed me a shot and pressed me to down it.

Brian May stood up, towering above me, gave me a giant hug, placed a margarita in my hand and that is basically all I remember.

I have a faint recollection of trying to pull a girl’s ear off her head, believing that she had something stuck in her hair.

And I guess I did actually get up and cross the restaurant to smell Robin Leech, from Lifestyle’s of the Rich and Famous fame because Brian May dared me to do it.

Other than that… my next memory is me on a street corner, outside of CBGB’s talking to a middle aged Italian man in a wife beater, who had a 1980’s Cadillac with a back seat full of hand guns and kept telling me not to worry about anything.

He would take care of me.

“Johnny” would take care of me.

At this time, I knew I was in trouble.

I picked up the pay telephone and called my brother Jack and started to cry.

He could hear “Johnny” rambling on in his heavy Bronx accent in the background, people outside the club screaming and fighting, and me… having my first breakdown on the road… and he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Where’s your A&R person?” He asked.

“I don’t know,” I sobbed.

“Go back to CBGB’s and get a cab back to your hotel now. Call me when you get there.”

I hung up the phone, told “Johnny” my brother said I had to go now, and so he saluted me with his heavily-clad-in-chunk-gold, pudgy Italian hand, and wished me well on my way.

I did grab a cab.

I did make it back to the hotel.

And when I woke up in the morning, naked in a bathtub full of rusty water in one of the old rooms at the Algonquin… my all time favorite New York hotel… home of the Algonquin Round Table… host to many of my favorite writers and editors: Dorothy Parker, George Kaufman, Harold Ross… I felt like I was going to vomit.

Not only because I was in the beginnings of the WORST hangover of my life but, because I had acted a fool and ended up a physical wreck in my literary place of worship.

I felt like Bukowski was the only writer that might actually applaud me at the moment, raise his glass to me in celebration of last night’s debauchery.

It was horrible.

And when I suddenly came completely to and remembered what I had done… I actually slapped my hand to my forehead and shook my head in disgust… hoping that I might somehow be able to forget the idiot I had been.

Had I actually tried to pull an ear off of a girl’s head?

Had I actually walked over and smelled Robin Leech?

I leaned out of the bathtub, grabbed the edge of the toilet, and vomited.

Ten minutes later the phone rang.

I dragged myself, naked, across the floor, and picked it up to hear Jack, my brother, and Joe, my husband, both screaming at me for scaring the shit out of them.

I guess I never called the house back to tell my brother I had made it safely to the hotel and they had no idea where I was staying until they were able to get hold of one of the record company reps in the morning.

I made my pathetic apologies and hung up.

The phone rang again.

This time it was my A&R rep.

I was ten minutes late for the record signing and press junket for my first album.

“Get your ass in a cab and get down to the Kimmel Center now!”

I had no idea where I was supposed to go but I rushed to get dressed, did everything I could to try and look like I wasn’t a drunken mess the night before, and made it to the Kimmel Center just in time to take some publicity photos with Brian.

Seeing him standing on the red carpet, his arms outstretched ready to pull me in close, a big smile on his face, soft-hearted giant, I felt like I had just been granted an “idiot” reprieve.

I rushed towards him and snuggled close, as he held me tight, and leaned down to whisper in my ear, “I loved that you actually went over and smelled Robin Leech. It was just so great.” and that was the moment that they snapped our photo.

Light bulbs popped off around us, people screamed out our names, questions were fired from all angles, and though I was a bit dazed… overwhelmed from the attention, and sick as a dog from my hell of a night. I made it through.

“Welcome to my world,” Brian said as he squeezed my hand and then sat down next to me at the autograph table where we spent the remainder of the morning visiting with fans, signing our names on cds and posters, and joking about Robin Leech until we both caught the late afternoon flights home out of JFK… me back to Los Angeles and my small home in the suburbs of Long Beach… Brian back to England… to his mansion estate… but both of us forever connected through our mutual love of music, drinking, and Robin Leech.

Credits to D. D. Wood.

[yuthoe]

ONEUS Hwanwoong x Ballroom Dancing

been a while since i made these headcanons, but after listening to Monsta X’s “Gasoline”, i can’t help but get inspired and write this shit down yo. if you haven’t listened to it, please actually give the fatal love album a listen hahaha it’s gud gud.

anyway, i was debating on where to put hwanwoong in terms of style, very tempted to say he’s a 10-dancer (bc main dancer and all, he can probably do everything lol) but ultimately went with this bc i thought it was a better fit for him.

(also this got so long, i got too carried away)

PAIRING: Hwanwoong x reader. GENRE: headcanons. WARNINGS: n/a. WORD COUNT: 1,085.

Master List

---

Hwanwoong, like dancer!Kino can do virtually every dance, but ultimately, he is a Latin dancer, and just dabbles in other styles. He studied in a performing arts school and was top student of his year, every year--he’s just that good.

From when he was young he always wanted to be a dancer, and his parents supported him, enrolling him in all kinds of classes, and he took to all of them like a duck to water, but he found he enjoyed Latin so much that he decided to use his extra time on it.

Balanced school life with competitions extremely well that some people actually wondered if he even slept or took breaks because he’s always seen up and about. He was never absent for class or missed training, and he was nice, too? Damn.

He met you in college, when you were partnered up for a biology class. You had to meet for a presentation and were sorting out your schedules when you realized you had virtually the same timetables (morning conditioning until 7AM - classes until 5PM - training until 9PM on the weekdays; training 10AM to 3PM on weekends; and the rest of the time for studying). Thus began your bond over finding out the other was a ballroom dancer.

Since then, whenever one of you had a showcase for your dance studios, you’d ask the other to be the partner. At first it was just those casual, small shows, but then Hwanwoong started seriously considering joining the senior division ballroom competitions. (He’d taken a break for college and to train more before seniors.)

He was super shy talking to you about it, but when he finally asked you if you could be his permanent professional partner, you said yes right away. You know his schedule and regimen is tough as hell, but you had your eye on competitions too, and who better to perform with than Hwanwoong?

Your personal relationship progressed naturally from there. Because of all the time you spent training at his studio (you switched because Hwanwoong’s studio was closer to campus and your dorm; it was a no-brainer), you got to see all sides of him. He gets the serious things out of the way first, such as learning choreo and polishing, before goofing off and doing a freestyle or covering the latest K-Pop dance trend just for fun.

Has a hand in creating competition and showcase choreography, but it’s not often that happens since his coach/choreographer is really good. Nevertheless, he likes experimenting with different tempos or ballroom/non-ballroom fusion dances.

Absolutely detests conditioning. He argues that he already dances different styles so much that strength/core/flexibility conditioning doesn’t really matter anymore. Hwanwoong will also absolutely complain if you make him lift dumbbells, claiming you and the coach are torturing him (he’ll still finish the reps and sets tho).

Has a Twitter and IG that he posts to maybe once a week, and a YouTube channel, but that one is basically empty. He doesn’t really have the energy to edit videos and put them up on YT, so the only things public that are there are dance playlists, and his own competition performances on the Watch Later list.

Mirror selfies. Mirror selfies as far as the eye can see. He posts quite a lot on his SNS and it’s usually a selfie (alone or with your or with his friend group) with a caption that range from jokes, insightful inquiries for his followers, and even a full paragraph that one time.

Has a TikTok that he uses specifically for doing those K-Pop trends, and has a big following over there that don’t even know he’s a ballroom dancer.

He leaves any video uploading to you on your SNS accounts, but most of them are you guys playing with IG filters or short NG clips. (There was one time you were supposed to to an underarm turn, but forgot to tuck in your free arm and accidentally hit him right in the midsection. The loud song on the speakers was eclipsed by Hwanwoong’s “oof” for a second.)

Hwanwoong loves being able to play with choreography, so naturally he loves the faster dances. As such, his favorite dance when he wants to let loose is the jive. It gives his legs a good workout, and he can be as goofy and loud as he wants. The kicks and flicks are his kind of step; he isn’t even sure why, but he gets a high when he watches himself do a good, high kick in the mirror.

Another favorite is the samba. It’s a silver-level dance that takes a toll on his “old man knees”, as he calls them, but because of the constant controlled bouncing motion, it helps get his cardio exercise for the day. He likes to say it’s a club dance, since it can be on the slower side or whiplash fast. Loves making choreography to samba rhythms in particular.

Heard Monsta X’s “Gasoline” Once™ and called you in the middle of the night to ask if you want to dance to it. He called you on Thursday night and by Saturday morning he already has around 2/3 of the song choreographed.

It’s mostly basic samba steps and variations, mixed with one or two highlights, but Hwanwoong also wanted to try out a dance hall fusion, and thought it’d be the perfect experiment.

You have a habit of filming dances once the choreo is memorized and polished, so you set up the tripod and filmed it static. Your coach was super impressed and said you should perform it for a competition showcase sometime.

There is also a mutual agreement to post it on Hwanwoong’s YT channel, and within a day there were already clips of it circulating on Twitter, your fans and some Monbebe commenting that it was such a hot routine and tagging the boy group. Neither of you honestly expected the great response it got and decided to try making routines for other popular songs with the right beat.

The reaction to your “Gasoline” routine led people to look for your competition and showcase videos and suddenly people were commenting on Hwanwoong’s brilliant facial expressions. He puts emotion into every half-step and every flourish of his arm that people commented on how they just couldn’t stop looking at him.

Cue this being used by you and his other close friends to lovingly tease him with.

[imhereonthekitchenfloor]

Okay maybe this is because I have no healthy coping mechanisms and need therapy but literally the only way some ppl (me) cope w stuff is music so,,, angry album!!! Also! The production on rep wasn’t even old, but she used very slightly outdated hip hop elements that made people who already didn’t like her shit on her But she was using these hip hop elements in a rock type of way which the whole rock music industry proceeded to do like. A year later so. Rep stays winning, ur cancelled!!

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT "MAYBE BECAUSE I HAVE NO COPING MECHNISMS"

@singlethread and I were just discussing how it comes down to differences in personality for how you perceive and react to pain. So for me I could NEVER hold that anger without it festering and getting worse. But @shegavemeroses was saying that she wont realize the pain until later and then will outwardly express it. Like I was always taught "forgive and move on" so it's always difficult to watch the fandom go the opposite way and agree with Taylor whenever shes super petty.

I also really enjoy your music analysis because the music gave me vibes if 2014(?) pop music where every song had the beat drop into some sort of edm bridge. And that's the era Taylor seemed to be mimicking. Which was interesting because 1989 had erased that sound from the pop industry.

I also saw your recent ask about how reputation had influenced into todays music so basically you are a music genius. Thank you for gracing this blog with your presence.

[jakeperalta]

I just watched the Rep tour to celebrate the album last night, and to me the album still holds up three years later. It was also an important part of her life and how she made the album. I know there wont be concerts anytime soon but I was thinking about what songs would last and be performed in the future. It seems like only Delicate and maybe Look What You Made Me Do..idk. it's hard for Lover cuz we never even got a tour and now we have Folklore, so I dont even know what she would do. It's also weird cuz it seems like fans dont even like Lover anymore since Folklore came out and the album wasnt even out for a year.I still think Lover is important to her though. It makes me think what people will think of Folklore in a year. The songs I love I really love and that's only like half and the rest is eh, but I also felt tha way about Lover somewhat.Something feels missing in the album to me and I cant help thinking maybe a tour would help which isnt possible anymore. I dont see Folklore or Lover being loved or remembered in a few years. Maybe cuz like 1989 or Rep was defined by certain things..like when she switched to pop and Rep was her comeback. Idk I dont feel that way about Lover really or Folklore at all. I guess cuz Folklore was made in quarantine. It could be forever until she makes another album cuz we dont know when a tour will happen. Sorry if this is long, I just wanted another opinion on this.

the rep tour is so good and the album is excellent for a stadium tour so i think it’s really interesting to think how those songs will translate to future tours etc! i imagine she’ll continue to play delicate but the other singles don’t really fit with either the lover/folklore aesthetic since they’re more about the sort of character she embodied for the rep era so i’m not sure how they’ll work (especially when she’s going to be presumably incorporating lover and folklore in future tours, plus keeping the fan favourites etc i can imagine rep getting quite heavily cut from the setlist)

it seems like every time we get a new album, fans start talking about disliking the previous one or acting like it’s not important, even if they liked it when it came out. so especially for lover that’s not helped by the fact it got no tour, so we’ve not had the live experiences of the songs which usually kinda bring a new love to the songs. i wouldn’t be very surprised if whenever we get the next album, people start disregarding folklore too. personally, i really like lover (other than a couple of songs) and i love all of folklore but i think their sort of legacy in the fandom again depends on the touring situation. also if she goes on to do more alternative stuff, people might be likely to view folklore as like a major turning point in her career (like with 1989) but if she goes more into pop it could end up being a little forgotten, especially since we don’t have all the usual content like music videos, interviews, candids etc.

[liquor-and-intellect]

WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP WHERE DO WE GO? H.S. AU part four: all the good girls go to hell

SUMMARY: Jay is force to be reckoned with. She does what she wants and the consequences aren’t as bad she’d expect. She stays out late, drinks with her friends and sleeps with Kai- who may or may not have a girlfriend.

When Jay meets Harry, her life seems to slow down. Feelings start to slip through the hard exterior that she’s worked so hard to build. She could finally learn to be vulnerable and overcome the scars left by her childhood that she didn’t realize went to deep.

Follows Billie Eilish’s Album. part three

warnings: mentions of depression and drugs

part four: all the good girls go to hell

“Standing there, killing time Can't commit to anything but a crime.”

- Billie Eilish 

The back of Kai’s car at 1 a.m. was not the ideal place for a hookup.

Then again, hooking up with a cheating douche bag after having a wonderful date with a certain intoxicating British man made no sense either.

I told myself this is what I deserved as I let Kai pound me uncomfortably into next year. I would never be worthy of someone like Harry who was kind, gentle and authentic. He would realize it sooner or later. Eventually to him, I would just be a waste of time.

Kai grunted above me. “Fuck- I needed you tonight, Jay,” he groaned.

I almost rolled my eyes, I hated that word. Needed. He didn’t need me.

I let him finish, rolling off of me and already reaching for a cigarette. As I pulled my pants up my hips, I thought of Harry’s face. I couldn’t get him out of my head. Here I was, upset that this perfectly fine guy was amazing— yet the only thing I could successfully commit to was fucking things up again and self-destructing like always.

Later, as I drove home through the darkened streets, I watched my phone light up with messages from Kai.

My turn to ignore you, I thought.

My body was scrubbed raw from a hot shower as I went to sleep. I spent precious time cleaning it of any evidence of either man’s presence on my skin. Even the tantalizing kiss Harry had left me with that night.

…

I found myself the next day hidden in the back of my favorite bookstore.

There weren’t many places where I felt at ease… but this was one of them. I had stumbled across it when I first arrived to L.A a couple years back. I was overwhelmed with the move to a new city where I knew no one and overwhelmed with the depression I had let myself sink into. There was something about the dusty smell of the books and the pot of coffee they brewed fresh everyday that allowed me to walk in and take a deep breath.

One of my favorite spots in the store was in the far back corner, nestled between the Historic fiction and Sci-Fi shelves. There was a pair of chairs that groaned when you sat in them but otherwise would hug itself around you like a long-lost friend. I always chose the chair on the left so I could use my left hand to hold a novel and my right hand to pick up my coffee mug for frequent sips before placing it back down on the wooden side table when I needed to turn a page.

The older couple that owned and worked the shop always welcomed me with a charismatic grin, happy to see me return—whether it was days or weeks in between my last visit. At first, they fawned over my presence, always asking me questions about myself, but learning very quickly how private I was. I liked to believe they gathered facts about me when they eyed the title of the book I would shove my nose into, or when I would roll my eyes at a cheesy fiction and place it back on the shelf. Sometimes, I was a bit more dramatic just so I’d know they caught on to the little pieces of myself I allowed them to see.

Currently, I was working my way through a horror fiction. Not my usual pick-me-up on a Wednesday evening, but I needed something that would grab my attention quick to distract myself from my sins the weekend before. I left everything on the front patio when I entered this building and felt a bit lighter as I sat in my favorite seat, heart racing at the excitement of the main character running from her perpetrator-

“Now I think you’re just following me, love.”

I startled, placing a hand to my chest as I glanced up to the familiar green eyes that haunted my sleep since our date a few nights before.

Harry stood there, books tucked underneath his arm, leaning against the shelf. There was no heaviness to him, no weight or obligation that he carried… he just felt peaceful.

I didn’t realize I had missed his presence so much.

He tilted his head to the side. “You don’t have a snarky comeback?” Laughter in his eyes.

I smiled, shaking my head while I chuckled. “You caught me off my game, I guess.”

His eyes held me for a beat too long. “Well, as much as I love your banter, there’s something about your smile that’s a bit more intriguing.”

I held my breath. But I grinned more.

He eyed the seat next to me, so I motioned. “You can sit. Just don’t tell anyone you saw me here,” I half-joked. “I have a rep to protect.”

It wasn’t that I would care if anyone knew I was at a bookstore, I just really didn’t need Willow or Hunter showing up and ruining my one sacred spot. I felt outside of myself when I was here, like there was no need to put up my walls or hard exterior. Maybe that was the reason I let Harry get comfortable in the seat next to me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, not with a hint of disdain but just wide-eyed intrigue. If there was another regular here, I thought I would know it by now.

He nodded towards the shelves around us. “It’s my mum’s favorite shop, I told her I would stop in and grab her the next book of the series she’s been raving about. Then, I grabbed another for myself.”

“What caught your attention?” I asked.

Harry lifted the dark-covered novel in the air. “The Kite Runner.” He flipped it around to glance at the back. “Looks like an interesting read.”

I nodded. “It’s definitely heavier… if you’re into that stuff,” I hummed, thinking of the heavy content that had gripped my soul between the pages of the book. I didn’t usually like to read books that made me feel so deeply, books that made me want to express my emotions… but there had been a few exceptions.

Harry tilted his head to the side. “You’ve read it?”

I nodded.

He held my gaze for a beat longer than I would have usually allowed, the wheels in his brain clicking in whirring. Thoughtfully, he asked, “Do you like onions?”

I leaned my head back and let out a laugh. “What?”

He gave me a look that said he was still waiting for my answer.

My shoulders lifted and dropped in a shrug. “I guess,” I chuckled. “I’m not a picky eater.”

“Of course you aren’t,” he said.

My eyebrows knitted themselves together. I was so confused. “What does that mean?” I asked. Normally I would be annoyed as hell by this type of banter, but the mixture of my favorite place and Harry’s sparkling eyes made it easy to forget a reason to be irritated.

He leaned back into his seat, resting an ankle on his knee as he cleared his throat. “You see,” he started, as if this was a big revelation. “you have all these layers about you, Jay. I don’t really know what to do with them— but right when I think I’ve got a part of you figured out, you do something else. Like tucking yourself in the corner of a bookstore or not being a complicated eater… I want to unravel everything about you, I really do.” He held my eyes with his, letting me know the sincerity within his voice was authentic.

I don’t know why, but it made me sad. Sad that I pushed everyone out. Sad that I could never let anyone close enough to “unravel me” completely—not even my own mother. Sad that I was a thing that Harry felt he had to work so hard to know.

I shook my head, not able to look him in the eye as I stared in my lap. “I’m not worth it, Harry,” I muttered.

“Not worth what, love?”

“Getting to know,” I told him. “I promise you. I’m not… I’m not a good person, you know?”

He gave me a small smile. “You’re not half as bad as you think you are.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I sighed, shutting my book. “we all go to hell anyways.”

    It had been two days since seeing Harry in the bookstore. After my small confession, he had lightened the mood by talking about his day at work and his love for his mom’s chicken and okra soup.

The whole interactions still played in my mind as I was finishing up the lunch shift at work when I noticed a few messages from Harry on my lock screen.

From Harry:

So, I’ve tried to play it cool but I really want to see you again

I play at a bar tonight. 8 pm. You should stop by.

And by stop by I mean come watch me and give me all the compliments when I’m done while we get drinks.

My thumbs hung in midair, desperately wanting to say yes a thousand times and appease the butterflies in my stomach. My head on the other hand was having flashbacks of being in the back of Kai’s car four hours after kissing Harry. The guilt, the shame… it would take over me if I let it. I took a few breaths and slid my phone back into my apron, compartmentalizing my pain and focusing on getting this red wine to the right table.

It wasn’t until I was removing my apron and walking to my car that I sent a text.

From me:

Send me the address.

…

I was ready and dressed to go to the bar but for some reason I couldn’t push my feet to walk to the door.

Why did I feel so goddamn guilty?

Harry was just a guy. We weren’t official. We’ve only kissed once… There wasn’t even anything there. I didn’t date. I didn’t do relationships. It shouldn’t matter if I slept with someone else.

But for some reason I couldn’t get the image out of my head of Harry’s saddened face if he knew I hooked up with his coworker after our date.

There was a knock on my bedroom door.

“What?” I bit back.

Hunter let it swing open, her blonde hair straight and slicked over her shoulders. She popped a mini-skirt clad hip against the doorframe. “Winnie and I are joining a few friends in an hour at the bar downtown.”

“Which one?” I asked.

“Lucky’s.”

Nodding, I took a deep breath that filled my aching chest. I had an out if I needed it. Harry would understand.

Hunter tilted her head to the side. “What’s wrong with you?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m worried about the California wildfires.”

She let out an empty laugh. “I’m sure.”

Before I could process what I was saying, “Harry invited me out but I slept with Kai right after our date and I think… I think I feel—guilty?”

The look Hunter gave me was as if she had seen a ghost. There were few occasions where I had actually opened up to her, even though we’d been living together for over a year. She had poked and prodded at my past at first, but quickly realized how private I was and gave up.

“What the fuck,” she replied. “you have feelings?”

I rolled my eyes and threw a pillow at her from across the room.

“Go,” she said, catching the pillow with ease. “I don’t know anything about him, but—hell—if he gets you talking about guilt like that then don’t let him get away from you.”

I took her advice.

My heart was pounding out of my chest, but I strolled into the bar at 8:17 pm, my heels clicking underneath me. Harry was already on stage, guitar strap over his shoulder and a dreamy look in his eyes as he hummed into the microphone like it was a sensual partner. I felt something clench in my stomach as I wished upon anything that would hear me that I could switch places with it for just a moment to feel his breath on my skin.

I needed a drink.

Grabbing a cocktail from the bar, I turned around in my stool to watch Harry as he absolutely dominated the stage. Even though it was him and his guitar, every inch of the room was overtaken with his all-consuming presence.

As the song slowed, he continued strumming his guitar, a new melody taking over the speakers. “This next song,” he breathed into the microphone, his accent thick and intoxicating. “is about the excitement of unraveling someone.” Green eyes glanced up to mine and held me frozen in my spot.

Harry started singing the most beautiful song. As the people around me hummed along as well, I assumed he was doing a cover and it had my heart beating out of my chest.

“And I say I’m only playing but the truth is.” Harry’s voice sank deeper into the words. “I’ve never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss. And I’m terrified…”

My heart sunk.

An image of Kai above me, sweating and moaning flashed through my head.

An image of my dad, needle protruding, cold on the floor.

Then, an image of Harry, looking at me like that from across a bar. The look like he could fall for me right then and there.

I don’t know if it was the romantic song or the anxiety settled in my chest. Or just the fact that I’m broken and people like me can never be deserving of people like Harry. He was a bundle of light and air and forgiveness and new beginnings. I could never bring him down to my level. I would only end up hurting him. There was too much baggage that he didn’t deserve to carry.

Maybe it was a concoction of all of the above that caused me to panic. To panic so much that I got up and walked out of the bar to Harry’s words following softly behind me.

“Finally, finally, finally…” he sang. I couldn’t bring myself to see if eyes were on me, although I felt them the entire way out.

“ Hills burn in California My turn to ignore ya Don't say I didn't warn ya.”

[sirenfm]

❛ ✶ ( MAIA MITCHELL, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ) spotted ! LORELEI GUNTHER was spotted singing along to GHOST by AWKWAFINA in hilton grove. you’ve heard of them right ? they are a TWENTY-TWO year old MUSICIAN who has already amassed a net worth of 30M. you should really follow them on insta @STARR, they’re about to hit 6.5M followers. the tabloids have been calling them the ISOLATO because they are known for being + OBSERVANT but also a bit - RECLUSIVE. though most people recognize them by THE RINGS OF SATURN, THE DIZZYING NEON OF THE DANCE FLOOR, SILVER STITCHED INTO WEIGHTLESS CHIFFON & BEING A SUPERNOVA SO BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE FORGET YOU’RE A DYING STAR. — ooc info (alys. 22. est. she/her.)

hellooo!!!! woke up this morning to see hilton will probably be opening today so i realized i better write my intro. i’m ally, i have Depression and too much time on my hands, and those are two things i have in common with my muse, lorrie!!!!! she’s like a hannah montana/lady gaga type pop star. pls like this post for me to hyu on discord !! 

(cc/vc: lorde) 

background. (tl;dr at bottom)  

born to a lower class family in boston, ma, into the gunther name which were once great musicians back in austria. her father took this very seriously and so named her brothers after composers (johann and wolfgang) and herself after the siren of the rhine. 

he wanted very badly for them to be successful in music and in life, so lorrie had a lot of pressure from the outset. also, her parents went through a very messy divorce early in life.

she developed severe anxiety by the time she was in first grade, and was diagnosed selectively mute. the only people she would talk to for years were her brother wolfy, and her oma, who lived with them. 

did manage to get some treatment and eventually recovered, mostly thanks to her oma, who taught her how to express herself, mostly through music. 

her oma died two years later, when lorrie was thirteen. since then, she’s basically had a mental breakdown every three months at least. 

even then, she dedicated herself to her music, even though her father had long since given up on her. but johann, while diligent, proved not to have the passion required, while wolfy, who had the passion, refused to be diligent, and eventually left the family on bad terms. 

lorrie also, strangely, found some confidence in drama class; it was easier to be someone she wasn’t than the person she was. after her first time onstage without bursting into tears, her friends convinced her to try out for the school talent show, knowing she was a singer-songwriter. 

she managed to get through her audition, but at the actual show? she froze. she couldn’t stand to be herself in front of everyone. 

slowly, she realized she could be somebody else. a few months later during a sleepless night, the kind where she’d usually cut her hair or redecorate her entire room, she went to the local walmart and bought every glittery thing she could find. she wouldn’t sing as herself, she’d sing as someone else, even write as someone else.  

and when one of her classmates had a filmography project and wanted to do a music video, the fifteen year old lorrie offered her song. 

that video was called starr - “royals”, and within a few days of it being uploaded, it went viral. 

it wasn’t until a universal rep knocked on the gunthers’ door that lorries father even acknowledged her success. and acknowledge it, he did. 

lorrie hated how affectionate her father had become all of a sudden, but someone had to accompany her to los angeles to record her ep. 

she hated los angeles, not only for what it did to her father, but what it did to herself, too. starr was how she presented herself to the public, she became the crutch lorrie used to get through these schmoozing conversations. where lorrie was awkward and nervous, starr was graceful, mysterious, intriguing. 

also, drugs. way too many drugs. 

by the time her first album went platinum, she realized that her father was wasting her money on all kinds of things. they had a blowout fight one night and, even though she was only seventeen, she emancipated herself and locked her father out of all of the accounts. she also left la. 

(this is probably around the time she started dating her melodrama ex, after she left la). 

after her second album, she settled in hilton grove because it was quiet, far from california, and a place where nobody batted an eye at a famous figure, let alone a famous figure out of costume. 

tl;dr heiress to a musical legacy overcomes social anxiety via faking until making, goes viral, becomes a teenage pop star, sues own father for control of her estate, leaves la and tries to remember how to be herself.

personality. 

shes…. aloof. reclusive. a bit of a weirdo. she either doesn’t want to talk to you or, if you’re close to her or catch her in the right mood, she will literally talk your ear off.

doesn’t really ever access her emotions, or at least doesn’t acknowledge them.

she really is a whole mess. all of her songwriting is done during white nights of random inspiration.

she’s better when she has, like, a schedule, but she’s still kind of a mess its a thing.

loves conspiracy theories will talk about them forever. also big into astrology and divination.

aquarius sun scorpio moon pisces rising so like………… she has no chill

an excellent mimic but out of character her voice is very monotone and flat, doesn’t really smile all that much. shes probably a robot.

so sarcastic someone tell her to shut the fuck up

queer as hell

moves like an mf cat. can very easily sneak up on you. someone get her a fucking bell

she went to rehab on the deep deep dl and now really only smokes weed and drinks socially. its one of her proudest accomplishments.

definitely moving away from the starr character as she gains more confidence in herself. also finds it stunting her musical growth.

kind of terrified to love because it means being Known.

her finsta/private insta is @lorilies 

also she has bleached blonde hair but i’ll be using brunette maia for like gif icons and snap icons bc there’s. not enough blonde maia pics.

you know ya girl included some tik toks for lorrie

her default when alone in her house

she cute when she’s high as a kite

her manager won’t let her have a tik tok bc she’s do shit like this

her philosophy, nay, her religion

wanted connections. 

ex-lover. yknow the one she wrote melodrama about. she’s highkey clingy and bad in relationships So. open to all genders. (1/1) 

best friend.  self explanatory; there through thick and thin. (1/1)

enemy. a rival artist? a neighbor with high standards? idk lets get creative lets get spicy (0/3)

confidante. tells them things she doesn’t like to admit. bonus if they will smoke weed with her (0/1)

good influence. someone help her get her life together (0/1)

bad influence. she used to be a party girl, so. its not Hard. (0/1) 

flirtationship. a general will they won’t they; i need some romance y'all. (0/1?)

pls anything talk to me i’m so lonely 

[captainninej]

RANT TIME: LOVER ERA

okay. so recently i’ve seen a heck of a lot of swifties shitting on the lover era. and that’s okay! we’re all entitled to our own opinions.

HOWEVER i will accept NO critiques on the fact that the lover era has given us SO MUCH AND MORE THAN POSSIBLY ANY OTHER ERA. has the promo been a bit all over the place? yes. is it strikingly different from rep? yes. have the singles been getting less chart success than other eras? yes.

BUT. taylor is SEVEN ALBUMS INTO HER CAREER. S E V E N. to even have this level of astronomical success into your SEVENTH album is mind-blowing in of itself. to still be able to capture the imagination and interest of the public SEVEN WHOLE ASS ALBUMS LATER. a lot of artists struggle to even keep that momentum going from their second to third albums. and our girl is on seven. also, taylor’s life and priorities are different now. she’s at the top of her game. she doesn’t really have to keep ascending from a logistics point of view. she’s made history so many times - i think her happiness and wellbeing is more important than constantly outdoing other artists! she’s also older, and has been here for a long time, which is INCREDIBLE to have that sort of longevity in your career. but naturally, other new artists are going to start to take up more public consciousness because that’s just how it works. taylor will always be around, but other artists are going to step in to be more present in the public eye and i think the lover era has started to show that a bit, and many swifties have taken that to be a sign of the era’s faults, but it’s kinda just how time works. society moves on. one person can’t be expected to hold public interest forever and ever - that’s a lot of pressure to put on a person. taylor’s a millionaire who’s made such an incredible legacy for herself - i think she’s allowed to relax a little at this point!!

on that note, the lover era has been SO LOVINGLY (excuse the pun) CRAFTED AND TAILORED (omg aNOTHER PUN i swear this was unintentional) for us, the fans. secret sessions. easter eggs EVERYWHERE so we can do what we do best - clowning over every little detail and coming up with crackhead theories. livestreams. the lover lounge. the FOUR DELUXE EDITIONS. taylor coming out politically and DEMANDING change - which means SO SO SO FUCKING MUCH to fans like me who are minorities. she’s returned to interviews. we’ve had like 17 magazine covers. incredible performances and collabs. taylor has worked her ASS OFF to make this era EVERYTHING AND MORE FOR US. so i will NOT ACCEPT ANY CRITIQUE OR WHINING THAT THIS ERA IS A ‘FLOP.’

to further prove my point, here are a list of only SOME of the things we’ve been blessed with this era (bc i have a shit memory and can’t remember everything):

- THE BUTTERFLY MURAL!!!!!!!!!!

- the incredible aesthetic switch up

- the instagram posts. five holes in the fence. y’all know what’s up

- ME! with Brendon Emo Powerhouse Icon Urie and an INSANE music video and loads of awesome performances (BBMAS was ICONIC)

- taylor talking about game of thrones??? life complete

- TIME 100 Gala 

- Elle (US and UK), Vogue, People, and a shit ton of other magazine covers and interviews and letters

- taylor publicly calling out politicians and fighting for change on a level she’s never done before

- YNTCD which was so positive and uplifting as well as promoting LGBTQ+ solidarity and basically drawing a line in the sand telling homophobes to fuck off, as well as an INCREDIBLE music video with queer icons that mean so much to people of the community, showing the world where she stands

- the Amazon Prime concert (LIARS and DIRTY DIRTY CHEATS OF THE WORLD)

- taylor publicly coming out and calling BS on scooby and scott and standing up for her legacy and her art that she should most definitely own, as well as raising awareness for artists around the world who have been similarly screwed over by their record labels who basically see them as cash cows, as well as calling out sexism and bullying in the industry

- the!! archer!! which she specifically released because we love track 5!! enough said

- LOVER. THE MUSIC VIDEO. THE AESTHETIC. 

- drunk taylor lol

- teen choice awards icon award!!! 

- the VMAs and her iconic performance and historic wins and CALLING OUT THE WHITE HOUSE ON LIVE TV I STILL HAVEN’T RECOVERED

- the album release! lover lounge! the lyrics everywhere!!

- the stella mccartney line!!

- loads of interviews and candids and performances!!

- AMAs ARTIST OF THE DECADE. THE CALLING OUT OF SCOOBY AND SCOTT. THE SOLIDARITY FROM OTHER FEMALE ARTISTS (still salty about the *crickets* from every man in music ever but ok) THE P E R F O R M A N C E.  CELEBRATING HER LEGACY. SWEEPING EVERY AWARD SHE WAS NOMINATED FOR AND BECOMING THE MOST LAUDED ARTIST IN AMA HISTORY, BEATING MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON. 

- how her outfits this era match the aesthetic of lover!! the pastel colours!! the softness!! 

- cats (ok the movie was a mess but i will fite and say taylor’s song is the best bit and the only bit i was invested in) and her beautiful premiere dress! her friendship with the cast and andrew lloyd webber!! the promo!! BEAUTIFUL GHOSTS SHE DID NOT HAVE TO POP OFF LIKE THAT BUT SHE DID

- MISS. AMERICANA. GUYS. she gave us a WHOLE DOCUMENTARY about her life, her insecurities, her struggles, her battles, her music, and gave us all hope and light that we can be strong like she was during her darkest times. do y’all realise how BRAVE someone has to be to put themselves out there like that?? did 1989 (not shitting on it but just bc some swifties think 1989 is the elite era and i kinda disagree bc of how it affected taylor’s physical and mental health) give us a documentary?? no

- THE MAN. ok on this one i kinda understand the gripes about the promo and the delay with the music video, the single release, etc. but she DELIVERED. it’s her first self-directed music video and CALLS OUT TOXIC MASCULINITY SO WELL. ICONIC.

- redirecting the reveal that she was telling the truth the WHOLE TIME IN 2016 and that kanye west has always been and will always be a piece of shit (like we knew all along) to help with the pandemic and being the bigger person while kim kinda humiliated herself with a dumbass rant on twitter but kardashians are a whole different breed of stupid so what can ya do

- voicing so much!! for the pandemic!! donating to fans personally, telling people to get the fuck inside and social distance properly, cancelling lover fest which we were ALL looking forward to but she was looking forward to more than ANY OF US, constantly donating and telling us to donate to charities, being a part of the global citizen thing and performing SYGB live when she said she’d never sing it because it was too hard for her, but she did it for the world and for our situation...guys

- also, reminder, WE’RE IN A FUCKING PANDEMIC. has taylor’s promo gone down? yes. did the man get the run it deserved? no. is cruel summer likely to come out soon as a single? probably not. BECAUSE AGAIN WE’RE IN A FUCKING PANDEMIC. PEOPLE ARE DYING AND THE GREAT DEPRESSION IS ABOUT TO LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF CAKE COMPARED TO WHAT’S COMING. TAYLOR KNOWS SHE ISN’T THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW AND THE LOVER ERA CAN BE ON PAUSE UNTIL THIS UNPRECEDENTED GLOBAL CATASTROPHE HAS PASSED. AND Y’ALL SHOULD TOO.

in conclusion, the lover era was EVERYTHING AND BY FAR THE MOST GIVING AND FAN-BASED ERA WE’VE GOTTEN YET. TAYLOR WORKED SO HARD AND IS CLEARLY SO PROUD OF THIS ERA AND HER GROWTH AND I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY BITCHING OR MOANING THAT IT WASN’T ENOUGH. Y’ALL DO THIS EVERY ERA AND THEN ONCE THE NEXT ONE COMES ALONG YOU DO A WHOLE 180 AND WHINE ABOUT HOW THE LAST ERA WAS GOLDEN AND AWESOME AND HOW THE CURRENT ONE SUCKS. Y’ALL SUCK. TAYLOR GIVES US SO MUCH MORE THAN ANY OTHER ARTIST GIVES THEIR FANS AND ITS ABOUT DAMN TIME Y’ALL REMEMBER THAT.

ok thanks for coming to my ted talk i’ve got three assignments due tomorrow lol gtg

[marlahey]

we stumbled in the dark; i knew we’d be alright (part seven)

a shawn mendes rpf fic rating/warnings: t for too much sweetness. you may need a dentist afterwards. notes: this part almost ended up being over 7k – it originally included a present day stop, but LA turned out to be full of way more  than I’d even initially planned. please enjoy the last major then of this fic; there’s only two other flashbacks to go. please keep reblogging and sending your thoughts! (previously; start at part one here; find all parts here)

los angeles; then LA is the last multi-night tour stop, but it doesn’t involve an extra show. You’re staying in town a few more days for a) a break, but more importantly, Shawn is a special honouree and performer at a gala event, celebrating, as Brian gleefully reads from the press release, “influencers and trailblazers across social media and the arts under the age of thirty.” 

Geoff leans out of the way while their star unsuccessfully attempts to snatch Ava’s photocopy from his bassist. Shawn’s ears are red. It’s adorable, though you’d never say it out loud.  “Isn’t this that thing where you’re not allowed your phone the entire time?” Charlie asks. “Doesn’t that defeat the point of having social media influencers?” “Can we please stop saying influencers?” Parker grimaces as he leans his head head back against the couch. “It’s such an awful concept. Why is that even a thing?” “Are you just jealous because you’re not one?” Shawn’s drummer flips the bird without looking; Brian cackles.  The six of you are currently lounging around the games’ room of the hotel, waiting for Andrew and Ava to finalize cars for a dinner out. Faced with a day cooped up after last night’s show, Shawn had appeared at your door with his band in tow and insisted you join them.  “It’ll be fun,” he says, but all you could think about was how you’d never really spent any real time with four of Shawn’s closest confidants, struck with a nagging fear that they found you a nuisance or annoying. But he looks so openly hopeful at you that you have to push that anxiety aside.  “We don’t bite,” Charlie says with a grin and a wink. You glance back over your shoulder at Ava, who has her phone to her ear but waves you off in a ‘go ahead’ motion.  So you allow yourself to be dragged up several floors and referee several intense matches of ping-pong, stopping when you’re sure the guys might come to blows. Everyone is funny and warm and you find yourself relaxing in their company.  “Pool?” Shawn asks now, turning first to you. You shake your head. “Don’t know how.”  “No time like the present, Miss Sinclair!” Parker exclaims, his earlier annoyance clearly forgotten. You blink at him. “C’mon, we’ll play twos. You in, Geoff? Charlie?” The guitarist and keyboard player both wave him off. “Fine, Bri?” “Only if I get to play with you and kick Shawn’s ass for that last match.” “He’s at a disadvantage if he has to teach me,” you protest. “You guys should play – I can just watch.” “It’s fine, El.” Shawn offers you a reassuring smile. “Brian’s just bitter. We’ll go slow, okay? We’ll set up and talk you through it.” Sometimes you think yourself a little too easily persuaded. You and Geoff watch Shawn and his other bandmates set to work pulling the balls from various pockets; the colours glisten beneath the warm overhead light and thunk on the long green surface. You allow yourself exactly three seconds to watch Shawn’s hands before you drag your eyes away. “He gets antsy with more than a night off, doesn’t he?” you ask. Geoff’s lips twitch, like he’s tempted to laugh. Charlie snorts. “So you’ve noticed.” He turns to look at you properly. You don’t know why you’re nervous all of a sudden, but the feeling is there nonetheless. “It’s nice that you guys get along, though. I can't imagine what you must have thought when Ava told you about all of this.” You shrug in what you hope is a non-commital gesture, but a laugh slips out. “It was a lot. But it’s been amazing.” “We’re glad to have you,” Geoff says, smiling. Anxious tension in your stomach is replaced with warmth. He nods forward at Shawn. “He is, too.” Don’t blush. But it’s already happening. “El!” Shawn’s holding a pool cue, beckoning. “Ready?” “Give ‘em hell, kid.” You can only grin at Geoff and rise to join them.  * “I know that look. Something’s wrong.” Ava glares at you, though it’s half-hearted at best. You wonder at the possibilities in your head, but nothing necessarily prepares you for:  “I think I’m sick.” You drop your phone arm to stare. Your sister never gets sick. She pops Vitamin C like it’s chewing gum and has had an eerie immunity to every illness you ever brought home from school as a child.  “What do you mean you’re sick? But you have the–” “The gala. Don’t remind me.” Ava sinks down onto her bed across the room. “I’ve been feeling weird since this morning. I think I ate something off at dinner last night–” Your sister proceeds to turn a strange shade of pale and lurch to her feet, beelining for the bathroom.  You wince at the sound of retching, but follow dutifully, crouching behind your sister to sweep her hair from her face before it falls into the toilet. “You can’t go like this,” you say, twisting and pulling a hair tie from your wrist. You sit back once Ava’s hair is no longer in danger, rubbing a hand between her shoulder blades until it finally stops.  “I have to,” she groans. Ava emerges, a sheen of sweat on her forehead, flushing the toilet with a grimace. You wordlessly hand her a damp washcloth and she wipes her mouth. “Andrew has this dinner with some of the other managers and drinks with somebody else about the next album.” “Already?” Granted, there’s only three stops to go, but still. “The tour isn’t even over yet.” “Shawn’s a go getter.” Your sister rolls her eyes, but there’s fondness in it. “He’s gonna travel to record this one, so it takes a lot more planning.” You think about your conversation with the band. Ansty is right. “Okay, well. Do you need me to do anything?” Ava leans against the wall, closing her eyes. “He’s trying on the suit right now. Serena’s with him but brands usually bring their own people because they can. Just go and check if they’re doing okay, please?” “Sure thing.” You grab her arm to steady her as she drags herself upright on the wall. “I’m gonna lie down. Hopefully this passes before we have to leave in–” Ava checks her watch. “An hour.” You leave your sister with a glass of water, shoving your key card into your back pocket. Shawn’s room is four doors down; you’d seen the people from Armani sweeping into the hotel earlier that afternoon with a black garment bag and you have to swallow your intimidation to knock. Serena greets you with a brilliant smile, her glossy dark hair flowing down her back like a waterfall. “Hey Ellie! Come on in. He’s just putting on the jacket.” You open your mouth to explain you’re just checking in, but Shawn’s stylist ushers you through the doorway before you can get the words out. She bends down close to your ear. “I think he’s a little nervous. He could use a friendly face.” You swallow. “Gotcha.” Serena squeezes your shoulder gently. “Deep breath. He looks good.” Are you that easy to read? The older woman winks down at you, but at that point you’ve already fully entered the room and are concentrating on schooling your expression. Shawn’s back is to you in front of the enormous mirror that faces his bed, leaning forward a little on the counter and extending the crisp lines of his black suit. A man and a woman from Armani, the man holding a line of measuring tape, confer in hushed tones. New York flashes in your mind’s eye, but then Shawn’s eyes find yours in the mirror. His white shirt is undone at the collar, stark against the shiny lapels of his jacket. He looks taller, somehow, or more, as though you have to brace yourself or be so quickly overwhelmed by him.  As if that isn’t already happening at least fifty percent of the time.  “El, hi.”  He turns to face you, and you catch the details of his pocket square: tiny flowers. You can’t help but smile. “Hey.” You have to swallow before you can say it. “Looking good.”  His ears are pink. “Thanks.” “Ava just wanted to check in,” you say, glancing at the Armani reps. “See if you needed anything.” “Perhaps an opinion?” The woman holds up a black skinny tie. “The room is divided. You would be the deciding vote.” “I uh–” You just stare as she crosses to Shawn and lopes the tie around his neck, tutting gently at his undone buttons. You find yourself transfixed by the line of his throat until it disappears beneath her expert hands. She steps back, presenting Shawn to you with a smile and a flourish.  Your mouth goes a little dry.  Shawn pushes back the curls falling over his forehead, looking up through his eyelashes even though he obviously towers over you. It’s been a while since you felt so unmoored by him, or anyone, really, since you really understood the fanatic reaction of people towards celebrities they loved and admired and fawned over on red carpets.  A moment (a minute, possibly an hour) later, you remember that everyone is waiting for you to say something. “Tie,” you manage, though it comes out like a croak. You have to cough when Shawn finally looks away. “Definitely tie.”  “Excellent choice.” The women exchange victorious smiles while the man throws his hands up good-naturedly. “Why don’t we button that up Shawn, and see how it feels?��� Shawn straightens up as the man stretches the measuring tape across the long expanse of his shoulders. “Not too tight?” “No,” Shawn says. “It’s great.” You look at Serena, feeling oddly helpless, who just winks at you again.  “Do the guys get this VIP treatment?” you ask, grasping for something to say. Shawn looks at his stylist, who just shrugs.  “I hand-delivered their suits half an hour ago. They’re probably watching HGTV in their boxers right now.” “They do love a home makeover,” Shawn says, to your surprised delight. He glances out the window of his suite, his gaze suddenly far away.  “How’s that speech coming?” You can see the flash of something off in his eyes. You almost regret asking, but you know Ava would.  “Done, actually.” Shawn turns to his dresser and hands you a small stack of cue cards. You’re careful not to smudge the black pen. “Could you give these to Ava? I’m scared I’m going to leave them behind or ruin them before we get there and then forget everything I’m gonna say.” You nod. “You’re gonna be great.” “Where is Ava, anyway?” You try to cover your wince, but Shawn’s grown too good at reading your expressions. “El?” “She’s um, not feeling too great. She thinks it’s something she ate last night.” His eyebrows fly up. “That doesn't sound good.”  “She’s resting,” you say, trying (and probably failing) to muster your sister’s skillful reassurance. “She wants to go.” “She shouldn't force herself to come. We’ll be fine. I don’t want her to get worse.” Shawn’s brow furrows, his mouth downturned. His eyes are so serious. You’re struck, suddenly, at how much he cares for your sister. That emotion deeper than fondness sparks, like a match struck against your ribs.  “You’ll have to be the one to convince her.” * “Ellie,” Brian whines, drawing out the ‘e’. “Who invented cufflinks? What purpose do they serve besides to torment those of us with normal sized hands?” You laugh and take them from him. “They pull the outfit together, didn’t you know?” The bassist holds still as you tuck the links in.  “How do I look?” he asks when you’re finished, spinning a circle so wide he nearly smacks Charlie in the face. It takes considerable effort to stifle laughter.  “Dashing.” “Time to go,” Geoff announces. He holds the door for his bandmates, smiling at you as everyone troops out. You can see Shawn at the end of the hall, Serena trailing after him. You catch his eye and lift your hand in a silent wave. You wish you had the courage to shout your thoughts at him.  You can do this. I believe in you. Maybe one day. You can only hope your smile, for now, is enough.  * The message pings on Ava’s phone forty minutes later.  Geoff: SOS. Shawn never took back his speech from you after you talked. He says he’s fine but I don’t think so. Can you get it here? Gonna lose my phone in five. The cards he’d so carefully handed to you are on the bedside table. Your heart sinks. “I’ll go,” you say, before Ava can act on the regret on her face. You talk over her dubious stare. “I’ll be in and out before anyone notices me. You have your personnel invitation, don’t you?” Your sister gets up to retrieve it, which is a good sign. “This is being aired on tv. You know you can’t–” “I’ll figure it out, okay?” You hold up Shawn’s cue cards. There are whole lines scribbled out and rewritten in what has become a familiar handwriting. “He’s already nervous. If I can help him, why shouldn’t I? No one’s allowed their phones at this thing remember? It’s not like anyone’s gonna catch a salacious photo.” Ava still looks unsure. You point at her phone. “Text him back, quick. Tell him I’m coming. Can Cam drive me?” You yank your t shirt over your head, digging around for one of four emergency dresses. When you look up again, struggling with the zipper, Ava is downing a bottle of water.  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she says, wiping her mouth. “I’ll take you. If anyone’s getting in trouble for this it better be me.” Your sister beckons you closer, working the zipper up in one smooth motion. “Take my shoes. You’ll need a little more height to pull this off.” * To your surprise, it’s not getting in that’s the problem. Ava loops around to the entrance off the red carpet, where a small queue of non-walking guests are still being let into the venue. You hand over your embossed invitation, which reads Personnel: Shawn Mendes in looping script, and open Ava’s favourite clutch. You have Shawn’s speech, your driver’s license, your lipstick, and nothing else. “No phone?” The attendant asks. You shake your head, pulling out the sides of your pocket-less dress as proof. He doesn’t look at you too long, even though your makeup probably doesn’t disguise the fact that you’re clearly too young to be personnel, even though you still feel wildly underdressed next to the people in line just behind you. It might help, you reason, feeling just a touch irrational. You’ve worn this out to dinner before. The guys might spot you sooner.  “Table 24.” “Thank you.” You smile at the man in an attempt to cover up your nerves and step through. You’re unprepared, though. The hall is huge. Four steps into the room, you have to jump backwards to avoid being steamrolled by a very stressed looking crew member, decked in all black, wearing a headset and holding a clipboard. People’s eyes skate over you as you carefully scan the closest table for a number card.  47.  The next table you can see reads 18.  What the fuck. You’re pretty sure that’s Harry Styles about fifteen feet to your left, but you’re too stressed to look closer. You look out into the crowd of milling celebs and management teams a little desperately, but you can’t make out either Shawn or any of the band. According to your watch, the event starts in less than fifteen minutes.  You’ll never get anywhere just loitering out here, you tell yourself sternly. Get in there. So you steel yourself and begin weaving your way through the tables, closer and closer to the enormous stage, backlit in blues and purples. You haven’t tripped in Ava’s three inch sandals yet, thank god. But your several minute streak of moving about unnoticed comes to a screeching halt when someone’s shoulder collides roughly with yours.  “Oh I’m sorry,” you say immediately, blinking back a wince. Ow. Before you can continue on your way, an awful mix of perfume and hairspray floats in your direction, acrid in your nose and even worse, on your tongue.  “Excuse me?”  You look up, taking in the person you’d bumped into properly. Her blonde hair, high in an impossibly complex looking updo, is second to a dress that plunges down to her navel in the front, but that’s not the most shocking thing. It’s her expression: like she’s offended.  “I’m sorry,” you repeat, pushing down an automatic lifted inflection. “I didn’t see you.” The other girl makes a noise of disbelief. “You didn’t see me? Do you even know who you’re talking to?” No fucking clue is probably not the proper response. You notice for the first time that this girl is accompanied by two men, arguably as tall as Shawn, though one is nearly twice as wide as you. Your heart hammers uncomfortably fast in your chest.  “I’m just looking for Shawn Mendes,” you say. “Have you seen him?” One of the men snorts. “Shawn Mendes? You don’t recognize Melisa Gallagher who has seven million internet followers, but you know Shawn Mendes. Right.” Melisa’s blue eyes narrow in contempt beneath huge false lashes, lips twisted in a sneer, literally looking down her nose at you.  Over her shoulder on the far side of the room, the crowd parts just slightly and Geoff appears like a genuine angel. Your eyes meet and his face lights up. He taps the shoulder of a familiar figure; Shawn turns and relief floods your nerves. “Excuse me,” you try, but Melisa apparently isn't done with you yet.  “Hang on.” she says. Her voice is a too-high pitch of false concern. “Are you sure you’re supposed to be here? I feel like we should just take you to security and double check.”  Is she serious? The man to her left steps towards you; you retreat instinctively, a sudden panic squeezing your breath. You look up again. You can’t imagine what he sees in your face, but the surprised smile in Shawn’s eyes dims. You know logically that he and Geoff are moving towards you, but everything feel too slow: your second step back, Melisa’s weird crony reaching for your arm– “There you are!” You turn your head and nearly fall completely backwards, because Taylor Swift has just appeared out of nowhere and she’s looking at you. “Shawn’s been looking for you everywhere, babe! Good thing we found you in time.”  You open your mouth, but nothing comes out. Taylor steps casually between you and Melisa, taking your hand. Against her gentle squeeze, you can feel yourself shaking. “We’d better get to our table,” she continues. “God, it’s like a maze in here, isn’t it?” Taylor finally looks at Melisa, as if she’s just now noticed her.  “Oh, hi. It’s Miranda, right?” The other girl laughs, though this time it’s a horrible, nervous sound. “Melisa,” she corrects. Her triumphant sneer has given way to open-mouthed shock. Taylor just nods, smiling in a look of vague disinterest. “Sure. Well, excuse us!” Taylor tugs you firmly after her, not sparing Melisa another glance. You don’t dare look back, staring instead at the breathtaking beaded detail of Taylor’s dress as she leads you through the labyrinth of people and white linen tablecloths.  “Just breathe,” she says, low in your ear as you pause for another group to pass just in front. You have to gulp in air. “It’s okay.” “How did you know–”  “Geoff told me,” Taylor says, as though it’s obvious. “Asked me to keep an eye out for you.” Your knees feel a bit like jelly. “Sinclair, you made it!”  Geoff stops just short of the other side of what you suppose is your table, as Brian, Charlie, and Parker beam up at you from their seats. Shawn does no such thing. You’re barely aware of Taylor releasing your hand before his fingers are wrapping around your arm. New York flashes again, harder than before.  “Are you okay?” You nod, though Shawn doesn’t look convinced. “What was that?” You struggle to come up with a coherent reply. Taylor, fortunately, comes to your rescue yet again. “Just some girl who thought herself a bit of a queen.” That’s one way to put it. Shawn ducks his head, peering at you as if that’s the only way he can be certain you’re alright. “What are you even doing here?” You pop your clutch open and pull out his cue cards. “Geoff called. Special delivery.”  He blinks at the cards, then at you. “You’re amazing.” You’re too relieved to have found him to resist when Shawn pulls you into a hug. His cologne is familiar and soft; you relax almost despite yourself against him.  “Oh shit,” Shawn says when he pulls away. “I’m awful. Taylor, this is Ellie. Ava’s sister I told you about. El, this is–” “You’re not seriously trying to introduce Taylor Swift to me as if I don’t know who she is.” Taylor laughs and you feel your whole face heat. This can’t be real. “I love you,” you blurt, feeling ridiculous but unable to stop yourself.  You haven’t been this happy and terrified since you met Shawn. Her smile is so warm. “You’re so sweet! Nice to finally meet you, Ellie. I’ve heard so much about you.” Oh my god. Taylor leans down to hug you; out of the corner of your eye, Shawn’s hand is reaching for the back of his neck, till he seems to remember his hair at the last second and drops it. Dork.  “Thank you,” you say. “For back there.” She nods. “Don’t mention it.” “Just to let you know folks,” booms a voice from nowhere, making you jump, “We’ll be starting in just about ten minutes.”  "I should go.” The reality of the multitude of cameras in this room kicks up an anxious rhythm in your chest. You chance a look at Shawn, who has one hand on the back of his chair. “You’re gonna be amazing.” “Wait, El.” Of course he catches you before you’re even three tables away. “I know that you and Ava and Andrew have this whole– thing.” Your stomach drops. In all the time you’ve been on tour together, this is the first time either of you have acknowledged it. A thing indeed. Shawn bites his lip. You’ve never seen him do that before.  “But you’re my friend. There’s no rule against that.”  Your heart aches.  “Fair point,” you admit.  "Can you–” Shawn looks through his lashes again; the open expression from his hotel bed five nights ago returns, stealing your breath. “Can you stay?” (I think he’s a little nervous.  When you’re here I know where I am.) Back at the table, you can see Geoff leaning over to speak to Taylor, who is nodding very seriously. You wonder what he’s telling her. Then, as she gets up and heads for the nearest camera person, you wonder what she’s doing. You suppose it doesn’t matter. Because Shawn’s right. “Okay.” Your sister is going to kill you. The tour is definitely over. But this was amazing while it lasted. “I’ll stay.” As long as you live, you know you’ll never regret anything that makes him smile like that. You follow Shawn back to the table, where Taylor, her plus one, and the band are joined by a man in all black. “Ellie!” Taylor grins brightly at you. “Meet Christopher. His job is to point at us.” “Hi,” you greet automatically, sinking into your seat next to Parker. *Miss,” Christopher says, nodding his head. “I’m told we’re trying to keep you off camera tonight?” “I–” You look slack-jawed at Taylor, who just nods encouragingly. “Yes, please. If that’s at all possible.” “I think that can be arranged, for the most part. You’re okay with your back? Turning your head just in case?” You nod. “Thank you so much.” Christopher smiles. “You all have a nice time now. And thank you so much for that voicemail, Taylor. My daughters will definitely appreciate it.” “Not at all!” Five minutes is called across the room. The camera man disappears, while everyone looks at her.  “How did you do that?” Brian asks, sounding as dumbfounded as you feel. Taylor winks. “Sometimes you just gotta ask nicely.” * It feels like it’s been ages since you’ve been able to truly watch Shawn perform. Christopher pulls you to the side while he captures Taylor and other celebrities enjoying or dancing (though that’s mostly Taylor, which warms your heart) to TNHMB.  All you can do is applaud softly at everyone when the guys finally return to the table, where dessert is soon to be served. Shawn smiles at you, small and humble, but by the time slices of chocolate cake and ramekins of crème brûlée appear (you watch with amusement as the band studiously swaps plates), Shawn's eyes are somewhere else again. “Here,” you say, holding out his teaspoon. He starts. You gesture at his untouched crème brûlée. “The beginning is is the best part.” He seems to gather that you won’t accept a simple refusal, so Shawn takes the spoon from your fingers with a smile and a roll of his eyes, cracking the sugar into the custard beneath. He tastes a mouthful; the air suddenly feels so much closer around you as he closes his eyes for just a moment and the tension eases from his face. “Wow that’s amazing.” Shawn grins at you. You want to flush, though you have no idea why. “You gotta try this.” He pushes the ramekin into the space between your plates and you dip your own spoon into the dessert. He’s right, of course. It is amazing. When you look up, Parker is wiggling his eyebrows at you. You cover your mouth with the hand still closed around your spoon and flip him off. He laughs so hard he nearly chokes; Charlie whacks him hard between the shoulder blades.  You can still feel eyes on you. Taylor’s expression is not of amusement or judgement, but a soft kind of knowing. You hear that voice in the back of you mind, careful, but the secret you can’t admit, even to yourself, seems safe with her. So you just smile back.  * In the commercial break before they’re finally due to present Shawn an award for Social Media and Music Icon, you’re off to the side again when he finds you, his cue cards twisted in his hands. He leans against the wall at your side, though with Ava’s shoes he’s finally only about a head taller than you. “Is a speech really all that different than performing?” you ask quietly, not looking directly at him but over the room. Turns out you were right about Harry Styles, which you know, holy shit. Shawn blows out a breath slowly out his mouth. The urge to touch him rises up so abruptly that you have to physically curl your fingers against your dress. “There’s no music, for one, El.”  You roll your eyes. “Fine, but you and a crowd? Tell me that’s not something you know how to deal with.” Shawn shrugs, the motion odd in contrast to the sleek lines of his tuxedo jacket. “A crowd of fans, maybe. But this?” He raises an eyebrow to peers and elders alike.  “And what? These people don’t like you?” Shawn makes a face. “Okay well you can’t please everyone,” you concede, “But you’re not just getting this award because they picked your name out of a hat. You deserve it. And you have them.” You nod your head towards the band. “And Taylor freaking Swift.”  “And you?” Your stomach flips. Part of you is afraid to look at him, but the rest of you knows you must. So you meet Shawn’s eye. “And me.” You manage not to blush. “We’re all here for you okay? Regardless of everyone else.” “Two minutes till we’re live everyone,” says the announcer. “Please head back to your seats.”  You’re grateful for the reprieve; you’re not sure how long you could stand him looking at you like that. Impulsively, you lean forward and wrap your arms around him. Shawn exhales against your hair. “Go,” you say, pushing him just a little towards the centre of the room. “I’ll be here.” When his name is finally called, you clap so hard your hands hurt.  “This is amazing.” Shawn says, staring out at the assembled crowd. “You know, when I started on Youtube and Vine and taught myself guitar, I was mostly just doing it for myself, because I wanted to emulate the artists I admired so much. But the moment I realized that each of the thirty thousand or–” He lets out a sort of disbelieving laugh, shaking his head.  “–Thirty million followers I had were truly real and unique people, that’s when everything really changed for me. First off, I wouldn’t be able to do anything without the support of my incredible family: Mom, Dad, Aaliyah, I love you so much. Second, I have to thank my team, band, and crew, who have been absolutely amazing on this tour and who make me seem way cooler than I actually am.” Parker and Charlie hoot at him over the laughter and applause. Shawn chuckles again, glancing down at the glass award in his hands. “But lastly. I really owe this whole thing to my fans, because without them I’d just be a kid from Pickering, Ontario playing covers in his room. Which is in Canada, in case you weren’t sure.” More laughter. “Sometimes I think I’m still that just that kid, but then I find myself in rooms like this, performing for the same people I still admire and hope to be like, because I hope to never stop growing as an artist.. It’s so surreal. And that’s because of my fans.” Shawn looks directly into a camera; you have to marvel a little at his ability to project his honesty for the world to see.  “So to each and every one of you who has bought an album or been to a show, you’ve completely changed my life and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough. Music means the world to me and I’m so lucky and grateful to be able to share that with you. I love you all, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you, everyone. This is truly an honour. Have a great night.” You can only be glad that Christopher lead you to this corner so no one can see you wiping your eyes. But when the cameras turn back to the emcees, a familiar magnet draws your gaze from across the still packed room.  I’m so proud of you.  You’re only faintly embarrassed to have been caught, but on the bright side, you’re fairly certain Shawn understands you this time.  * Taylor departs quickly at the end of the night, but not before insisting on a quick and covert photo as guests wait for their respective cars outside the venue. “I hope we get to meet again soon,” she says, sounding so genuine that you’re at a loss for words. “I’ll send this to Shawn, kay?” You can only nod, not trusting yourself to speak. Taylor says goodbye to the band a few feet away, and finally wrapping Shawn in a hug. She says something in his ear, though you’re definitely too far away to make it out. Whatever it is, you can still see the flush that creeps up his neck.  Paul meets you around the corner in a huge SUV; Charlie loses the lightning game of rock paper scissors and crawls into the furthest backseat while Shawn insists you take the front.  “You did good up there kid,” Paul says. In the rearview, you watch Shawn’s ears go pink. “A real class act.” “Our precious Canadian,” Geoff coos. The boys laugh. “I have strict instructions to deliver you straight up to the roof,” Paul announces. “I think Andrew’s reserved the bar up there for a couple hours.” He glances over at the console at you. “You too, little one.” You’re shocked, to say the least. But you’re not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.  So that’s how you find yourself twenty-five minutes later, holding a soda on the rooftop of your hotel, leaning against the glass barrier and staring down at the bright lights of Los Angeles below. The air is cooler now, but you know if you go down to your hotel room for a jacket, you’ll probably sit down on your bed and not be able to get up.  Behind you, through the hum of conversation, someone makes your sister laugh; the sound is so familiar and this view so isn’t that you can feel your thoughts spiralling out.  “Did you just pinch yourself?”  You look over to find Shawn, his lips lifted in amusement. The knot of his tie is loose at his throat, the top button of his collar undone. You look away.  “Maybe.” He laughs softly. “Yes.” A breeze lifts the hair from the back of your neck and goosebumps from your arms. When you glance over again, Shawn’s disappeared. A full turn reveals him picking up his tuxedo jacket from the back of a chair. You watch him approach, that strangely helpless feeling from earlier washing over you.  “What?” he asks.  It’s unfair that you look like that right now. Or ever.  You just shake your head, unable to smother a tiny smile. “Nothing.” You gesture out at the city in a weak attempt at a cover. “This.” Warm hands drop the huge tuxedo jacket over your shoulders; it’s perhaps the most soft thing ever laid against your skin. It smells like him. You smile gratefully. “Such a gentleman.” He laughs again, pushing up the sleeves of his dress shirt. “I’ll tell my mom you think so.” Back at the tables by the bar, everyone is engrossed in conversation. Under no one’s scrutiny, it feels like the first time you’ve relaxed all night. For a minute you both just stand there, staring at the dark horizon. “I can’t believe I'm here right now,” you admit finally. “I can’t believe I pulled that off.” “I can,” Shawn says, like it’s just a fact. “I’m glad you did.” The heat in your cheeks has nothing to do with his jacket. “Says the boy who didn’t think he could deliver a speech and absolutely killed it.”  He smiles, almost rueful. “Okay, so we both did good.” Shawn extends his glass towards you. You think of your birthday and carefully lift your eyes, clinking your glass with his. Behind you, conversation still flows; beneath you, the city still moves; around you, the air feels closer again, but this time his eyes are open too.  When you’re finished the toast sip of your drink, when you look out at the lights of LA and back again, Shawn’s eyes are still open.  (part eight)