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kaeyapilled · 1 year ago

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trying to put my (mostly) child kaeya headcanons in one spot. brace yourself this is gonna be so long

first i think he was around 8 years old when he was left in mondstadt.

before that he lived with his father always moving from place to place. or maybe... i dont know honestly. they didn't live in khaenri'ah (whatever's left of it) because i like the idea that kaeya is the last hope for a place he's only heard stories about. for people he has barely met. and he yearns for it all the same, enough to run away as a stowaway on a ship just for the slim chance he'll get to meet it, to return to a place he only knows through other people's memories... yeah it's a thought i like to entertain. so anyway i dont know where exactly kaeya lived before my headcanons for this are really vague lmao. im torn between making him be raised in some corner of teyvat, or somewhere very abyss touched, or... a secret third thing i dont yet know...

i think his mother died when he was so young he has barely any recollection of her and it haunts him a bit. he cant remember what she looked like. to have an idea he can just look in a mirror though. he's her spitting image.

unsure about siblings... i think he didnt have any

i dont think his father was abusive. neglectful maybe. he was really awful at the father job but mostly because of how emotionally distant he was. he never hit kaeya or went out of his way to be cruel to him, he was just very stern. kaeya was a child who didn't really know comfort. all his basic needs were met, but his father just wasn't the type to hug or say words of encouragement, to calm him down from nightmares, to soothe a fever beyond just bitter medicine and leaving kaeya laid down on the cot alone. i think the closest they ever got to that sort of connection was when he taught kaeya their clan's history, which we know he did from canon. that piece of paper where the handwriting shows an adult guiding a child's hand on the paper makes me. Feel Things. he was not a soft man or a good father by any means but. *gestures vaguely*

and you know what. i think he loved kaeya in his own way. which is to say that he loved kaeya more as a means to an end than as a son. or maybe not. maybe leaving kaeya was more difficult for him than i give him credit for. i cant really decide. either way 2/10 for effort his parenting sucked and left deep scars in this poor poor child BUT he was not a heartless asshole is what im trying to say

anyway kaeya has very bittersweet very mixed feelings about him. he left his own son all alone in an unfamiliar land for unclear reasons. placed a burden nobody should ever have to carry on the shoulders of a child. he never embraced him or told him he loved him. but at the same time we see kaeya in game trying to understand his father's motivations for abandoning him there. that maybe a happier life could have been a factor. his safety. assuming this is, like, true. i headcanon that it is. it's not the entire reason by far. but it could have been part of it. maybe that's called "wishful thinking". we'll find out one day i hope

i don't really know what to make of the entire "you're our last hope" thing. as in, what exactly does that entail. what did his father tell him. im just kinda waiting patiently for them to actually tell us what's up. i can tell you it was a ridiculous amount of pressure on kaeya though. he might have been mature for his age and forced to grow up faster than he should have but a lot of it was simply beyond his comprehension. like, that's an entire seven year old child. he shouldve been playing with toys. anyway. kaeya who has felt guilt as his standard everyday main emotion since he was little

i think kaeya's father taught him to speak, read and write in common, so kaeya could understand people pretty well when he was left in mondstadt and could read basic stuff

an extension of this headcanon: i think each region has their own language besides just common tongue, and that in general people can speak both, especially in the big cities, while in rural areas people will probably only speak the region's mother tongue. i read a mutual's headcanon like this once and it rewired my brain so i borrowed it. also common varies from place to place because there are different dialects from mixing with the nations' other languages. to make it fun!

so when kaeya gets to mondstadt he can't speak mondstadtian specifically but he can speak common and the ragnvindrs can all speak both. eventually as he stays there kaeya learns mondstadt's language and loses the accent (a very conscious effort from his part)

more on the accent: if you listen closely to him nowadays, some word or other still sounds odd, maybe too stiff, the way he rolls his tongue on certain letters- but it's very subtle

kaeya hasn't spoken his mother tongue in so long he inevitably has forgotten certain things, and he was so young when he stopped speaking it that there are things he simply never learned. i think this haunts kaeya sooo bad. he's someone who's always trying to keep little pieces of his past, of things that have a lot of emotional value for him; he's someone who values memories, in particular physical, tangible pieces of memories. and we see him do this with his roots, like adding khaenri'ahn symbols and motifs to his outfits, saving slips of paper written by his father about his family's story, etc..

so anyway the fact he's forgetting bits and pieces of his mother tongue makes him grasp desperately at whatever's still left of it in his memory. i wonder if he writes what he can om scraps of paper, or maybe an actual notebook; i wonder also if he did similar things as a child too? though it's something he'd have to keep insanely well hidden and the paranoia about someone finding it out would absolutely eat him alive

okay back to his childhood. when he's taken in by the ragnvindrs i think he's very quiet and only speaks when spoken to. he is so unfathomably scared and lonely and everything is terrifyingly unfamiliar but any genuine manifestation of fear and anxiety and homesickness is saved for the dead of night when everyone's asleep and won't see/hear him cry. he keeps to himself, acts very polite, doesn't bother anyone with asking for help or for anything beyond what he's already been offered.

diluc was very happy about having another kid his age living under the same roof and almost immediately saw him as a little brother and kaeya simply could not match the enthusiasm. they took it as him just being shy, and to an extent that was part of it, but also he simply did not want to be there at all. no matter how wonderfully kind those people were to him, kaeya missed his father and his mother and the homeland he didnt even know in person but that was his biggest responsibility. it was such an enormous change and he missed the familiarity so much it made him ill. like literally. i think he spent his first or second week with the ragnvindrs bedridden

im very fond of the hc that kaeya took ill easily as a child.

kaeya had nightmares often. i absolutely cannot see him asking for comfort in any direct way. most of the time he'd just hold his own hand through it. other times he'd slip out of bed and see there was still light coming from the study. he'd sit on an armchair next to crepus, who already knew kaeya would hardly ever speak about what was making him upset, and watch him work until he fell asleep again.

i think kaeya was a very scrawny kid who looked a bit younger than he actually was. next to diluc (who im always torn between making just seven months older than him, or a year and seven months older) he seemed even tinier. while diluc was the picture of a healthy boy, all full red cheeks and bright eyes, kaeya was too lean, eyes too tired, sometimes distant, like he's not entirely present, lost in thought. you could see a sadness in him sometimes that seemed deeper than anything a child his age should know. kaeya was quiet not just because he didn't speak a lot, but because he seemed to exist silently. if he disappeared to be alone for a while and didn't want you to find him, you would not find him.

and anyway. i like the idea of him slowly allowing himself to be louder as he becomes more comfortable with the ragnvindrs. and revealing his more sarcastic side lol. he's always been quick witted, he was just too timid at first

child kaeya who was such a weird kid. he spoke in a way that often lacked the childishness expected from someone who's yet to turn nine. said odd cryptic things with zero explanation. banned from sharing bedtime stories after scaring diluc with overly fucked up khaenri'ahn folk tales. normalest child alive. i think he bit into a crystalfly once

oh and kaeya absolutely came up with the whole "i come from a family of pirates" thing as a kid. i think he read about pirates in a book once and was completely enamored with the idea. and one side effect of being a secret agent pawn spy is the ability to spin wild tales on the spot. so anyway did he convince diluc he was toootally a pirate. yes. diluc believed him for way too long

no wonder he's so good at telling stories to kids nowadays. he's had practice

about the eyepatch: i can never settle on just one headcanon!! option one: his eye was fine as a kid and he only wore it sometimes for the pirate roleplay, then he started wearing it everyday after The Fight because diluc wounded him; option two: he always wore the eyepatch because there is something abyss/khaenri'ah related going on with his right eye (don't ask me what exactly. though im fond of the idea that it's connected to his father and it's basically what allows him to fulfill the spy role, in some nebulous way.) and during the fight diluc aimed for it on purpose; there's probably a secret third option im forgetting about. i lean more towards option one these days i think.

okay im out of headcanons for now. i bet that the moment i click post im gonna remember ten more. but its ok. i can make another post if needed. never forget that i can speak about kaeya for literal hours and that, if prompted, i will do so

#is anyone going to read this this is SO long #my posts #kaeyaposting #kaeya #kaeya alberich #there. it's alive

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moreworldliness · 1 year ago

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so i came across a sonic mod/exe/thing called "sink" and it got me thinking

when people try to make sonic "scary", they never really do it for me because they try to ground it too much in reality:

"oh, sonic's in the real world and is trying to kill me!"

"oh, my game is corrupted"

imo, they're not coming at it from a game angle - they're too focused on outside looking in, rather than inside looking out.

for example, a popular fandom question - why is sonic afraid of water?

if you were on the outside looking it, you could probably shrug and say "well, they needed some kind of weakness gameplay-wise and the creators didn't think hedgehogs could swim. that's that."

inside looking out, however? consider!

MAJOR WARNING FOR DROWNING BELOW THE BREAK

you're sonic the hedgehog.

at the time of the classic games, which to you are your entire life, you're 12 with miles prower (your newly acquired and handy buddy) sitting at a clean 4 years old. sometimes it crosses your mind that he might be too young for this, but time and time again, he's put your worries to rest.

you're proud of him. he's smart and you're quick - you're the perfect duo.

you must've run hours before you enter into chemical plant zone and make your way through the lower path. its been a fairly standard journey up until this point and you're not about to be intimidated by some overgrown factory. (do factories even grow? you decide to ask miles later)

at this point, you're more than aware of how your life works. it's okay if you get hurt, because you have rings. it's okay if you "pass out", because you always wake up at the start of the area you were just in, with everything just as it was.

not to brag, but you happened to think you were pretty indestructible.

falling and rolling down unimaginable stretches of pipes, you and miles finally reach a new area: a hydraulic door opens in front of you, revealing a long chute upwards. cut and dry - you turn towards miles to grab his hand.

the door shuts behind you and, as quick as you can hold your breath, you're plunged under purple water.

miles - you've grown to calling him tails, because it's easier to say; you're still twelve, after all - begins paddling upwards with ease, but you find yourself horrifyingly heavy in the water. it grabs you, pulls you downwards, thousands of arms pinning your every movement.

you jump, and hit the first platform.

you kind of regret not learning how to swim.

tails has paddled so far upwards that you can't see him anymore - not through the sludge of this water, anyway. it seems to be getting heavier too, dragging your movements as you scramble to reach the second platform.

your hands miss.

your feet fail.

you fall back down.

you become consciously aware of how tight your chest is.

you keep trying, to the same result; jump, fall. jump, fall. you aren't sure how much longer you can hold your breath, either, and the hydraulic doors are shut fast - you can't even budge them.

you've tried.

you can just about imagine tails in your mind's eye as you try the platform again, scrambling around in a panic. he's four, in a mechanised factory with no way out, suddenly all on his own. the thought alone propels you forward, and you land a grip on the platform above you.

a foothold. something - there's gotta be some way out of this.

you glance up.

the clearance of the ceiling above you is still high, but for a brief second, you can see the lights of the level above you. you can see the wavering figure of tails, looking in from above, his two tails flickering around.

he looks nervous.

you can't help but laugh in relief - he's okay.

your mistake hits you all at once.

there is no air. the crushing weight of the water bears downwards, and you drop like a stone. there are no chaos emeralds, there is no life-saving device here. just water, yourself, and your own stupid reflection.

the "passing out" feeling begins sweeping over you, and just before you shut your eyes, you recount every last feeling you've ever felt - that time you dropped from spring yard zone and hit the ground a bit too hard, or the time the walls of marble zone came in faster than anticipated.

the time robotnik (eggman, you teased, once upon a time) hit you a bit too hard.

you're dying.

you're dying over and over again, and this time the only exception is that you're made to feel it.

you want to cry.

you can't.

the water cries for you.

you blink, and you're right back at the beginning of chemical plant zone. the sky is clear, the sun is warm; the wind blows through you.

tails looks up at you, waving his hand in front of your eyes to get your attention. he looks just as expectantly nervous as he did before you entered.

he asks if you're ready.

you can't make yourself move. all you can do is drop to your knees and cry.

you heave a breath of air, but all you can taste is water.

#cw drowning #character death #kinda sorta #am i thinking too hard about a blue hedgehog?#yes is the answer to that #this isn't a knock on anything specific!#i just think that “sink” has a really good concept #and it's what i want outta sonic “horror”!#sonic the hedgehog #sonic angst #sonic.exe #if you saw the first post no you didn't #horror #sonic au

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generalchelseamayhem · 1 year ago

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Unpopular Opinion: "Men suffer from toxic (you know what goes here) and Women suffer from sexism" is a fancy way of saying women are allowed to snap from trauma, whereas men should blame themselves and make sure they're never a danger to anyone else.

And boy, does society love that last one. Victim blaming at its finest.

This ask hits kind of a personally relevant note for me, so apologies if this is longer than you expected.

I think there's some kind of logic behind this, like people will say this about a woman on the assumption that she has exhausted every possible avenue of help, and found no help forthcoming, whereas they will say the other thing about a man on the assumption that help has been offered to him and he flatly refused to take it. Men will do anything rather than go to therapy! etc. etc.

And I think what this misses is the ways that everyone, including these same people, can even unknowingly disincentivise men from actually getting help.

I haven't told anyone I know IRL about this, but yesterday, I started therapy. It's costing me money out of my own pocket because Medicare only covers about 65% of the full price of an appointment—and that's if you've already gone to a GP and paid more money to get a referral. I digress. The point is, every single one of my friends I opened up to about my problems was like "Dude. Seek help. Now." It kinda made me feel ashamed for opening up about my problems in the first place, to anyone other than a trained professional. Yes, there was also a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th place, so I can understand how it might have been hard to deal with, but the feeling remained.

Eventually, it reached the point where I could no longer justify my "self-improvement using only myself" regimen against my punishingly restrictive budget. Not only because my ability to cope reached an end, but because my budget finally got a bit more relaxed. So I listened to my friends and booked an appointment with my GP, then with a psychologist she referred me to.

First impressions are everything, and I have to be frank, I don't think I built much of a rapport with this guy. But the main issue was—

If you've ever had mental health issues, what's the one thing that always prevents you from seeking help?

Correct, that your problems are tiny and not worthy of consideration next to the grand scale of human suffering. Why should the psychologist be helping you, when there are actively suicidal people or people in prison or abuse survivors, all with way worse problems than you, whom he could be helping instead?

People around you will insist that all mental health struggles are valid, that there isn't, like, a minimum standard for how desperate you need to feel before you seek help.

I wasn't really sure how to start, so I just told him the story of what happened to me during the pandemic. The way my ex and I drifted apart, the way I sacrificed some of my needs during that time to make sure hers were met, the financial pressure I felt from my parents cajoling me into buying a house, other seemingly close friends (at least 3 of them?) ghosting me without the slightest explanation.

And all he could say at the end, when I'd run out of things to talk about, was "What do you want me to do here?"

I can understand why a question like that might be asked in therapy settings, but hearing it so bluntly like that... it genuinely made me feel like my problems were insignificant on a scale I hadn't imagined. It was said in a way that suggested there was nothing here for us to latch onto, nothing for us to improve upon, just me whining about stuff that happened ages ago. It hurt.

Obviously I didn't have much of an answer to give. If I knew what to do about the things that were making me feel sad, I would have done them myself without paying $60 for a middle-man to tell me to do them. Broadly speaking, I would like the bad feelings to go away and my awkward behaviour in certain situations to stop! Was that not obvious? You're the expert! If you listened to me talk for 40 minutes and you don't think there's a clear and obvious way forward, what does that say about the scope and severity of my problems?

I don't think I'll stick with this guy. My point here is, I think people should be a lot more careful about recommending therapy to men, because they can be so careless about dismissing men's problems out of hand with the other side of their mouth. Whether that takes the form of mocking people for male tears, or chastising them because women aren't your therapists and can't be expected to perform that kind of emotional labour, or any other of a number of subconscious biases that still insist "Your problems aren't actually real."

To be quite honest, I don't even think therapy will be a productive avenue for me. That kind of thing never factors into these conversations though, and I think that's because a lot of "men need therapy" discourse is entirely performative.

#for mental health purposes #men's issues #toxic masculinity #ask

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zwierzodudle · 3 months ago

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i finished dawntrail last night so i'm gonna release some thoughts out of me

overall i would still say i enjoyed myself. admittedly i mostly went in with the plan to just enjoy watching my lizard in the cutscenes, so. not the highest of standards.*

the first half aka the main scenario you expect to happen was honestly perfectly fine. nothing special, but light and enjoyable. you go around helping your new pal with various tasks, shenanigans happen,and there were a lot of sweet moments between various characters. like i don't really have a lot of complaints for that part, it's about what i expected.

the only things that i found kinda meh at that point is that at times the writing felt like they were writing for a kids cartoon instead (but it was easy to ignore for this part), and zoraal ja's motivation was just kinda silly? and maybe a few weird moments where they didn't seem to decide if they want the tone to be serious or comedic.

post-coronation when shit hits the fan tho. they had this really good existential horror setup (and they clearly knew about it, what with the dramatic camera angles and all) but then they kept pulling it back in a weird way?

in the same dialogue the same character just a few sentences apart says this:

and from then on it's like they couldn't let any characters call the soul devices anything negative without also adding something along the lines of 'but it's their culture'. it's genuinely bizzare. it get's incredibly tiring with just how often everyone says it too. culture has nothing to do with this? the characters are allowed to think the delete-the-memories-of-your-loved-ones-and-use-their-souls-as-a-currency machine is scary without a disclaimer every time? i'm not sure if it was meant to help humanize alexandrians or something but it really wasn't necessary? that kinda infantilizing writing really ddidn't mesh with the subject at hand here and felt a little condescending to the players.

this part really suffers for it beause there's a lot of interesting ideas they introduce and then just push to the side in order to show you how alexandrians live. by the time they're done with that the last few quests just rush by. the last zone gets turned into rubble after a few dialogues, krile gets barely any time to get her quest's resolution, no time for questioning anyone about the shard travel.

sphene is an interesting villain but even with her right at the end they throw another 'well i know you have your own beliefs-'. my brother in hydaelyn she's forced by her programming to kill people for souls to power an unsustainable artificial afterlife. just let that go okay.

so. yeah.

i still had fun with various character moments (i know people hate on wuk lamat but i had no problem with her), the new dungeons and trials are fun, the new areas are honestly gorgeous. it's just kinda disappointing how many times they fumble the writing itself.

*that one post-endwalker update where you go into a garlean bunker because their officer doesnt want their feral robots killed? and you find out they've been taking stuff that was meant for their citizens for themselves and yet it never comes up again? or how the refinery guys who hated garleans who enslaved them clap and smile at the officer who now will totally be better because he was almost killed by the feral robots? the way they wrote everyone in it made me stop playing ffxiv for like half a year. so i kinda expected bullshit and tbh nothing in dawntrail was as bad as that.

#talky talk #tldr i still enjoyed DT but the bar for my expectations was on the floor after some of the post-EW updates lol

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bam-in · 7 months ago

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⬨~Pretty Baby~⬨

Fem!black!Reader X BlackOC!Male

You embodied an average appearance initially, with dark skin, brown eyes, hair slightly past shoulder length, a countenance too exquisite to be unattractive yet not quite striking, that was the essence of your being. You embraced this identity, content with your 4.0 GPA, possessing a remarkable ability to concentrate and evade disruptions when necessary. Life seemed untroubled until the encounter with Orin Stanmore, a tall, dark-skinned young man slightly darker than you, with captivating eyes akin to sirens, lips displaying a dual-toned allure, a well-defined jawline, leaving the rest to the imagination.

One serene Friday afternoon, engrossed in your business class assignments, a group project awaited completion. As you packed your belongings into a light blue tote bag, thoughts meandered about the probable laziness of your project mates. Engrossed in your phone, navigating through the group chat messages, You suddenly felt a hard frame bump right into you causing you to stumble back and mumble "Watch where you're going next time ple-" You stared up in awe, surprise, and confusion, tilting your head, O-orin..? what are you doing here.. "Well.. I go to this school?" he had a nervous smile on his face rubbing the back of his neck "Oh! y-yeah! right.. no, I meant what are you doing on this side of the campus..? you're in the other building right now, well you should be anyways, you've got art and design right now so.." "Oh, so you know my whole schedule yeah? how cute.." he mumbled the last part so you couldn't hear it, his voice barely above a whisper "What was that? you were mumbling" "I know" and with that, he walked away leaving you standing there puzzled like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do you shook it off and continued walking until you got to your dorm.

Entering, a pungent blend of weed and cigarettes assailed your senses, triggering your lungs as you coughed violently choking on the scent. "What the hell Bala?! I said no smoking! and especially not with your 'friends'" making a quotation sign at the word friends indicating to the boys who were high, wasted, and seemingly passed out on the floor and couch, "Ohhhh cmoonnn, wazza mattaa... hehe..." Bala's words were slurred, she was obviously high or drunk, maybe both, probably both, placing your tote bag down before moving to help her up so she could sit on the couch properly, holding her face so she could look at you, or try to at least... "Bala.. bala.. *sigh* Bala! c'mon, girl eye contact, look we need to get you to bed and these guys out of here, m'kay?" Amidst the haze of intoxication, she nodded drowsily before flopping back down onto the couch mumbling some random nonsense about a dream she was having.. "No... tell Giant to give me my grapes back.. grapes..mm.." you stared at her for a moment giggling slightly before focusing my mind on the next task at hand, 'getting these wasted nigga's outta here', I pulled at their arms, a string of groans and grumbling came erupting throughout the room, it was pissing you off after a whole lot of pushing a and hitting you finally got them out and back into their dorms, Bala was asleep in her room and you were picking up the leftover weed packs and rolling paper that was lying around on the floor, you opened all the windows to air out the smell, it made you so sick and despite you having told Bala this, she still doesn't listen, but in her defense, it wasn't all her fault those guys were always pushing her to do things she didn't wanna do and the cast majority of the time she listened, she was always scared of not living up to people's standards that she neglected her own, you loved her like a sister, but sometimes she just confused you, but then again, no one wants to be left out, its a horrible feeling, and you would know..

After a strenuous effort, the room was cleared, you then decided to go take a warm shower before bed, ridding yourself of all the tension and pent-up stress you had accumulated throughout the day, once you were finished you gave yourself a col rinse, and stepped out of the shower wrapping yourself in your purple towel and sat on the edge of your bed, deciding to light a candle, just because. Grabbing your Lavender chamomile hempz lotion and massaging it into your body then going in with your cocoa butter repeating the process, deciding to wear a simple pajama set, with shorter sleeves as it was getting warmer and you hated when you would sweat in your sleep and wake up feeling all damp and gross. Laying down and slipping under your comforter you closed your eyes and held your arms trying to fall asleep, but it was really hard when all you could think about was him... Orin.. orin.. orin.. y/n..y/n...y/n..."Y/N!" jolting awake and falling smack down onto your wall as it smushed against the side of your face, groaning and turning to look at what caused this, Bala.. of course.. who else would it be? "What the hell Bala!?" I was trying to sleep.. "Sorry! It's just someone's here for you, it's some tall black dude, he says you've got a project together? I dunno" she shrugs before skipping back into the living room, you could hear two voices from there, one of them being much deeper than the other, You stretched your arms out sighing contently at the feeling of your muscles loosening before slipping into your fluffy purple slippers and heading to the living room where you saw Bala laughing with... "Orin..?"

#black fem reader #oc story #oc characters #not a fanfic #emotional #M4F #femalexmale #sexuality #LGBTQ

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toyahinterviews · 8 months ago

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TOYAH IN RITZ NEWSPAPER MAGAZINE MAY 1985

By Antonia Willis Toyah's video for her new single "Don'T Fall In Love (I Said)" shows a raunchy, aggressive side on a woman who enjoys and encourages a reputation for walking a bit on the wild side. She also likes to project an image of quiet domesticity and is happy to talk about evenings at home doing sewing whilst her boyfriend of five years standing watches TV. This is a false image - as indeed is the other. She is, above all, a dedicated woman. I suspect there is little life for Toyah outside her work. Her appearance is as much as publicity requirement as a personal expression, and despite the mane of red hair and the purple eye-shadow the first adjective that springs to mind is not outrageous or striking, but simply pretty. She is self-effacing, and eager to be taken seriously. The old days of Toyah as a hell-raiser and well and truly over. I expect that she was probably much more fun to know then but a certain amount of "fun" has to be sacrificed in the pursuit of success.

I asked her is she felt she had become more professional in the part year ... TOYAH: Yes, definitely. Until recently I was aiming for a kind of superficial fame than for a standard of work. Then I sat down and thought about what I wanted out of life. I wanted to be remembered as a singer and as an actress. I wanted privacy. I wanted health - I've given up meat and alcohol - and I wanted lasting success. What attracted you most: fame or money? TOYAH: Oh, fame. No doubt about that. When the band first made it we didn't know what had hit us. We didn't even collect our cheques. We were so poor that we walked to the BBC, for Top Of The Pops ... I've got myself organised now. I've got plenty of money, but not much time to spend it. When you do have time to relax and enjoy your millions, how would you like to live? TOYAH: I'd like a great big country mansion with helicopter pad and a swimming pool and every room decorated as a different style. There would be an Art Deco room, a Georgian Room, an Elizabethan room ... I rewind slightly before this nightmare vision. What period would you actually like to live in? TOYAH: Oh, 2400 AD. By then we'll have sorted all our problems out. I think we'll all live away from cities. There won't be any wars, technology will be so advanced as to hidden and there will be no prejudice. What makes you think this will happen? TOYAH: For a start, people will travel more and more, and get to know what each other are like. They won't care so much about their own political systems.

Do you have any political instincts to change the world? TOYAH: No, I'm very politically naive. I read all the papers - from the Guardian to the Mail - but I just can't make up my mind. I think you change people by giving them a sense of pleasure; by entertaining them. You are obviously irrepressibly optimistic. Why? TOYAH: Partly because I'm not worried about what happens to us all when we die. You see, I know that there is some kind of parallel world that we just drift into. I realised this when I once heard my Dad say that he was frightened of dying and I just couldn't see why. Are you still close to your family? TOYAH: Yes. They always laugh about things. When I first dyed my hair, my Mum got a bit uptight and clocked me - I had dyed it white at the back and she thought it had all been shaved off. But when I let it grow back to its normal colour last year, she told me to dye it back. "You'll never sell your records looking like that" - she said. Did you have a wild time in Birmingham? TOYAH: Oh, indeed I did. I was in punch-ups all the time. It's much more normal up there. I got a big shock once, though, when I was twenty. I went out drinking with my first boyfriend, and there was this fight in the pub. I lashed out all over the place, and then went home and passed out. The next day I went round to see my boyfriend; his nose was broken and there was blood all over the sheets. "Oh My God!" I said. "Who did that to you?" "You did", he answered. So I've been a bit careful ever since. I've learnt to keep my mouth shut, for a start.

Is that a quality your find yourself in need of? TOYAH: It is. People bother me all the time. For instance, after I came back from France after filming "The Ebony Tower", the press kept wanting to get me to tell them bits of unpleasant gossip about Laurence Olivier (above with Toyah, Greta Scacchi and Roger Rees) But here simply isn't any, you know - he is truly one of the most kind and remarkable people I've met. Did you become very close to him while you were living together on the set? TOYAH: I saw him a lot, because I used to stay behind at the chateau while Greta and everybody else went off to the town; it was incredibly provencial, and my red hair attracted a certain amount of hostile attention. So I couldn't go out much, and Laurence Olivier used to stay behind to keep me company. He was like that; truly considerate. Did you feel at tall tempted to identify with the part of "Freak" in "The Ebony Tower"? TOYAH: No, not at all. It was just apart. The chateau had an incredibly seductive atmosphere, though. I almost cried when I left. What's your next big project? TOYAH: I'm going to tour again. I want to get back to the music world; it's important for me to juggle the two careers. I'm going to tour America, where I've never been. We're going to do both coasts, but I'm not sure about middle America. I wonder how you'd go down there. Last time I was in Texas the best selling song was "Drop-kick Me Jesus Through The Goalposts Of Life" TOYAH: Yes, that sort of thing's really pagan. I'm looking forward to the west coast, though. Won't you find it exhausting?

TOYAH: I expect I will. I always lose the upper range of my voice during the last few days of a tour, and that really scares me. It's like asking a guitarist to go on stage with only two strings.

How do you like to relax when it's all over? TOYAH: I paint, or just sit in the garden thinking. And sometimes - not often - I like a good night out on the town. The other day I went to the White Elephant Club, then on to Tramp, and I loved it.

There were a lot of press people, though, and that makes me a bit nervous. The media operates under its own rules, and they are very tough.

Did you ever feel you've been misrepresented?

TOYAH: There are times when I can't even recognise myself in the things that have been written ... but I don't particularly mind. Life's so busy and if you need publicity, you take the knocks. I enjoy myself. We all have a certain amount to put up with and I have a lot less of that than most.

I could believe it; there was something quite disarming about her which probably stemmed from the fact that she was so obviously enjoying life.

"We all thrive on pleasure", she said. "But you have to work at knowing what gives you the greatest enjoyment. It's not drugs, or sex, or parties for me. It's my acting and singing and when I'm too old to do either of those, I'll paint. It's a good life."

#toyah #toyahwillcox #toyahinterview #thetoyahwillcoxinterviewarchive #the toyah willcox interview archive #toyah1985 #toyahmagazine

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julie-finlay · 2 years ago

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Finlay Friday

12x21: "Dune and Gloom", script extracts. Meta under the cut.

Thoughts here instead of the tags because I ran on even by my own standards.

There isn't a lot of Finn in this episode, but the changes between the script and aired version are interesting to me!!

The first two gifs are cut dialogue over the scene as-aired, which is all science. The brother reference threw me because I’m sure the only time he's mentioned on-air is in "The Last Ride", right at the end of the run. But 16yo Finn somehow both trying to impress and briefly unaware she's being hit on by her older brother's friends is v cute???

The dialogue with Moreno only changes slightly, from “My place sounds good to me. […] You make the breakfast this time”, to “Okay, so we'll do it at your place tonight, and um, I'll call you if I'm going to be late”. It’s only a subtle shift, and the tone is still outrageously flirtatious, but it’s a degree less personal/more transactional, and I feel like it helps in establishing the nature of the relationship. We know from “Homecoming” that Finn is in a ‘sneaking-out-in-the-middle-of-the-night’, “it’s so much hotter when you don’t talk” place when it comes to relationships, and I just don't see her—at this point, anyway—as willingly inviting someone into her space and making them breakfast in the morning.

AND THEN THE HENRY SCENE. The difference here is:

Aired:

Finn: "Athrok the Conqueror". That dragon movie. You know it's not in theatres anymore, and I'm pretty sure it didn't come out on DVD because I wanted to see that. Henry: Wait, you-you like fantasy movies? Finn: Yeah! I saw Lord of the Rings like forty times. Henry: That's awesome.

Script:

Finn: "Athrok the Conqueror"? Cheesy fantasy movie, right? Not in theaters anymore. Not on DVD yet. (OFF Henry, admits) Guy I'm seeing digs dragons. And I dig him.

The whole tone is different, shifting from a reluctant admission that she's researched lame movies for a guy she's into, to genuine enthusiasm for something she's passionate and unashamed about. Love that for her!!

Finn being a fantasy nerd has been part of my understanding of who she is for so long, that to see that was originally written as 'liking Moreno so much she'll research dragon movies for him' FELT WRONG. It's only a few lines but it's such a cute scene and I'm very glad they changed it, for two reasons really. One being that Finn and Henry are adorable in s12??? This woman only moves to Vegas after 12x14, and by 12x20, she's spent every night for two weeks at the batting cages with Henry, helping him practice his swing. I ADORE HER. There's also a very sweet cut scripted scene in 12x15 that goes:

Henry: So you go by "Finn"? Finn: Yup. You go by "Hank"? Henry: No. But… (thinks about this). "Hank Andrews, DNA". I like that. […] Finn: Find me when you have a profile, Hank.

THEY'RE JUST CUTE OKAY. So yeah. In the aired version she's seen Lord of the Rings like 40 times, and Henry thinks that's awesome, AND SO DO I.

(Also, I think it just feeds in so much to Finn being a people-pleaser. She gives people these little parts of herself that appeal most to them, so with Henry she loves fantasy movies, with Super Dave it's like START THE ELITE CHEF GROUP CHAT RN, and with Sara she loves crossword puzzles!! And those are all true things, they're not invented for her audience, but they're also not all of her. Because it takes time and/or being Russell to get the Full Julie Finlay Experience.)

Anyway I've spent longer thinking about THREE MINOR SCRIPT CHANGES than Lisa spent filming her scenes for this episode, so that's super chill.

#CSI #CSI CBS #Julie Finlay #Finlay Friday #Morgan Brody #Henry Andrews #my gifs #script extracts #Dune and Gloom

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nobito203 · 2 years ago

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A chapter is about to end

2021, I left a job to get back to the US for a Master Degree in Counseling psychology. I was excited because I feel like the US is still my home and our journey together hadn't ended yet, although feel bittersweet to leave the job I was really enjoying.

This time is Pittsburgh, has to be a city. I deferred my admission at the school I didn't know much about besides what my professor in undergrad was marketing to me. She thought it's a great fit for me, so I applied and give it the benefit of a doubt. And honestly, it's been a fun ride with ups and downs.

Grad school hits different. Very hard to make friends and find a community in an environment where everyone has a lot on their plate. But everyone I met are so empathetic. We share about our experiences and lessons vulnerably which I think it's a beautiful thing. It's where we vibe so well, without filters sometimes. I have had opportunities to chat with lot of them and see their point of view. Everyone has their unique stories, but do have some common similarities. I learn that although having a lot going on, people still can connect deeply when they spend time together to talk about how they see life. Empathy soars when I see different views with its pros and cons. Sometimes, all we need is being listened, no solution needed. I might not agree with how you see live because it's the opposite with what I believe, but I do respect your point of view because we're unique. We still can be friends even when we disagree with one another, but we agree to disagree and accept it's a part of us. It makes humans human. Agree??

I found a community at my internship site. I love all people I met there. They're super supportive. Their personality always amaze me. The empathy and sympathy they have are immense. We might unhappy with what others have done but always approach others with altruism. They challenge my perspectives and encourage me to see thing in different lenses. The kids at the site I met showed me how much emotional tolerance I have for others. They emotionally push me to the limit where sometimes I felt like I can burst off, but somehow I managed to calm myself down and treat them with kindness everytime. They're the future and good education is the only way to have a better future. I look at them in a holistic way to decipher how do they behave the way they do, which increases my sense of empathy. I'm extremely happy that I stay here long enough to see the impact I and my fellow interns have on them. Seeing the good impacts we make is pleasant. I'm gonna miss my fellow interns a lot. We made it so far, some left but some still stay till this moment I'm writing this. I appreciate them, I salute the work they're doing. I wish them the best!

I ended a 3-year relationship on a good term. I was passive on how it ended but I actively learned a lot about it. I learned how to not being harsh on myself. I appreciate my ex was being honest with her feeling and made a decision to break up for her own sake. It's definitely not beneficial for me but the honesty remains a highlight. I embrace it. It's totally fine to let thing go and l let myself to leave someone who didn't match the standard I pursue. It is and will always beneath my standard if I have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be my teammate and has no capacity and emotional maturity to work and contribute to a relationship. It sucks that it's ended but I constantly remind myself everything happened for a reason. So, allowing myself go through the grieving is a huge learning lesson and I kinda enjoyed tbh. I embrace the process and feel like a new person out of it. No resentment and regret. No love is ever wasted, even when it leads to a heartbreak.

The last 2 years of grad school were an awesome journey ngl ☺️☺️. I have learnt so much more about the world and myself. I met new people whom I vibe with, yet still spent some time to revisit old friends who making effort to know what's going on in my life. Y'all are appreciated. Sometimes, I contemplate the life I have: bouncing between cities, starting a routine in a new city, finding a community at where I'm at, missing other things, goodbye people, etc...; and question myself is it all worth it? Every time, the answer is YES, including this time. Those cities, those people, and the experiences I had are making me who I am today. I have nothing but gratitude and empathy to give back. It's going to be a new fun chapter, thanks for tagging along if you get here hehe.

The End!

-No Name

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have-the-right-to-remain-silent · 1 year ago

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Vent!!!!!!

Cw: discussion of weight, mentions of COVID-19

Since I was 5 I wanted to lose weight. For a long time I half-jokingly explained that it was because of me reading Merry Poppins and wishing to fly on an umbrella.

I never really DID anything for it. Not consciously. I had not a great appetite and sometimes forgot to it. I was (and probably, am) a spoiled brat, so I expected the numbers of weight to decline on its own. It was a cycle - I lost weight during school year and gained a little back on summer vacation. It was never a lot, I but I still felt unsatisfied every time.

I was slightly underweight for twelve years. I thought of it as it was an achievement. I had that "height minus 110 sm" thing engraved in my mind. My weight was approximately "height minus 115-118" and I was proud of it. I think that 11yo me would cry after seeing me the way I am now. Or not. I don't know and it saddens me.

Then puberty came and hit me like a train. I gained 10 kilos in two months (and grew 5 sm, but it didn't really mattered). I looked normal. I finally had some flesh on my bones. A lot of people told me that I looked better. But the thing is, after all those years, being skinny became a part of my identity. And I felt frustrated, and angry at myself and my body. I dreamed of being underweight again. When summer came, I was hoping to lose weight to return to my self.

It didn't happen. I gained weight again. At 12 I still looked slim. Not anymore. And I hoped again.

At my 14th summer I broke a leg. I layed in my bed and struggled with everything. I ate and read - like I always did, but I didn't move around enough to spent the energy. And I gained weight.

I didn't grew a millimetre since I was 12. So, I looked chubby. But of course, I thought of myself as disgustingly fat. Because it was my body that dared to gain weight. It was my body that disobeyed me. Because I still didn't do anything to lose weight - out of childhood habit. I tried not to eat sweets, tried to make some exercises - but I just ate more later, and I could not stick with my fitness plans. Hating myself was much easier.

A lot of things changed when I discovered Tiktok during the lockdown. My binge watching deepened my knowledge of English, I learned a lot more about queer community and foreign countries in general, but, more importantly, I discovered people. Different people with different body types who loved themselves nonetheless. And when I went to college that same year, I loved myself a little bit more.

I gained weight, I lost weight. I still cared. There were still people, who told me that in April I looked so much better than in September. But it was okay.

I lost 10 kilos last winter, due to COVID-19. (one thing lost by my family, fortunately). 5 kilos in two weeks ( probably, in three days when I could not eat), then two kilos in two months, then 3 kilos when I fell ill again. People told me that I looked better. I could fit into the clothes I almost buried in my closet. Before that I stood at the line of being overweight by the medical standards - which is, apparently, "height minus less than 90" in my country. After losing weight, it was not the case anymore.

I felt bad. I became weaker. I didn't feel like myself. It didn't felt right.

Summer before that, I bleached my hair for the first time. I looked good. People said that I blonde hair suits me. But when I stared at the mirror, it did not feel like my reflection. It was someone else.

It felt like that once more. Not for a long time. I gained a little again, and I felt better. The numbers were the nearly the same for a month or two, and I got used to it. I felt like my body were my friend once more. I had not that painful desire to lose and lose until nothing is left. It felt nice.

I finally gathered the strength to go to phycholotherapist and he wrote me a prescription for pills. One of the side effects was weight gain. I was afraid.

But my weight stayed more or less stable. I felt better physically and emotionally.

Month ago my doctor changed my prescription due to the new things I told him (i visit him every two months). One of the reasons were to help me stick with the healthy diet that I had to maintain for my stomach issues.

I lost 3 kilos. I haven't started eating healthier. I just don't eat. I had this problem before — when I skipped meals because I was too lazy to cook. Or because I didn't get the time. It just happens more often. Maybe it's warmer weather to blame, but I also don't feel the need to eat a lot.

I feel weak. I don't feel healthy. I can't force myself to eat for a lot of times. So I should not feel dissatisfied with my body for losing the weight I always wanted to lose.

One time I came to the conclusion that it was not only the change of appearance that bothered me. It was the change that I didn't do anything for. And I feel it once more.

I want people to do not praise me for this weight loss for it was not intentional. I want to feel like myself. But I guess I have to wait for when it will be stable again. Then I will do something about.

Or is that what I say to myself?

#vent #weight concerns #i write it here instead of telling it all to my doctor because our session is in month and I don't like to contact him in-between them #and i find it easier to write and/or talk about certain themes in English and I don't know how good he knows it

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lynnaquinn · 1 year ago

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Oooh Title...ummm...game dev stuff!

I was working on my game yesterday (Rustbelt) and figured out how to narrow the game down from 4 books to 2 that could be combined if I needed to. That wasn't the greatest effect of this change though. So before yesterday, the game had 4 Factions that were super setting oriented and in a working state, 2 Factions that were setting oriented and not even started yet, then 6 Factions of various points of completion that were Tropes being added in for the basic Genre setting! The change yesterday brought it down to a solid 6 Factions that were completely flavorful and setting oriented! The other thing it did is reduce my workload, making all 6 in some state of workability and even a state of quasi-tested! Let me explain for one of the factions: The Dwellers are basically the "Conscience Ghouls" of the setting, acting as the changed humans that aren't quite zombies and aren't quite mutants, but are surviving. They have a risk of becoming the more mutated, and dangerous, Lurkers as time goes on (so again, like Ghouls from FO.) They started as a "Fisherman" faction, became the "Mariners," but then evolved into the Dwellers when we started reducing things down! But with this change, they would take on the Stat-Line of the Mutants and even one or two of their leaders as well as the Unit/Leader Options they used, the Faction Rules for Zombies, Some of the Leaders from the Cannibals as well as the Spawn NPC Class that was tied to them as their secondary NPC Class. This allowed the Dwellers to use the Tropes of each of these, creating a situation where their themes weren't lost, but keeping it within the scope of the World's setting; allowing for the tropes, but not warping the world to keep them.

Second Example: The Cultist were the first Faction I had statted out for the game, so they felt...unpolished at best. I had this strange Iconoclast direction for them with a half-worship/half-follow of the original 3 NPC Classes that made them feel like they were the Survivor version of the three (ET, Cryptid, Cosmic Horror.) This was from a Trope perspective originally, but eventually when we started to combine them, I knew the secondary NPC Class for them would be the "Clandestine." Clandestine in the game is the secret military cult that kept the Corporations in power and the people subjugated under their boot, the Jackboot of the CEOs. They were kind of themed around the Enclave from Fallout, but my own take with a Cyberpunk leaning. Then there was the case of the Extra-Terrestrial faction that was originally there to be a monster faction to fill possible player wants, but eventually just didn't fit the themes right in a sense of design space but were still needed to be an element. The easy solution...make this the primary NPC Class of the Cultist. The only question left for them was how unhappy I was with the design space...and this comes to our last part of the Cultist puzzle. I had done most the testing using the Ganger Faction, one that would be lost to the condensing...but thematically would fit well with the changes to the Cultist all too well. The last change was to give the stats and Leaders from the Gangers over to the Cultist; making them a drug fueled, speed obsessed, hit and run faction!

Two factions figured out that I didn't know how they would fit. Almost every tropey faction that I wanted to put in preserved, only leaving out the Slashers and at this point that honestly is fine. Only problem at this point then is the few NPC classes I worked on that still didn't have a home. Well, the Variant for Ghostrunners had NPC's called the Darkness that I could never figure out...this is where the prior Cosmic-Horrors come in. I just relabel them with the more thematic name "The Darkness" and give them to the Ghostrunners. Then lastly there is a case for the original Standard Setting table. Most of Terrain in this was designed so I could easily change the theme if I needed and still have them be top down design. And that is what I'm going to do. An example of this is I could easily use the rules for the "Forest" to be instead the "Ground Zero" only changing up how many can come up when rolling for terrain; all 12 can be preserved easily! And lastly, the last old themed table I started working on (the Dockside Town) can easily be used for one of the two Variant Setting Tables I need and be MORE thematic than it was before! Simple changes that just work well to the setting!

All in all, it was a productive day that took my total amount finished from less than 30% and overwhelmed to an easy 60% and feeling confident! I think these changes will make the setting stronger too, giving the localized feel to the Rift-Torn Walled Cities even more of a focus and bringing the focus away from tropey monsters and instead explained factions that paint the world with their colorful brushes!

#lynnaquinn #lgbtqia #tabletop #wargaming #game dev #rustbelt #cyberpunk #game design #game development #post apocalyptic

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a-midnight-duel · 1 year ago

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Was it all worth postponing your professional achievements? - my story

I had a tough time adapting to society all throughout kindergarten, elementary school and half of junior-high. I spent years feeling like an outsider, and a weird alien in a place that should've felt "safe".

When I was 6, my parents and I moved back to the city THEY called home, and they were mostly busy making sure there was food for us on the table each day. So, as an only child with a language barrier to the outside world, I secluded myself inside my head, and in fiction.

Movies, books, TV shows... they were all the perfect escape pod, one which I could access through my beloved first language. This escape pod also filled in for something I didn't know was missing at the time: an emotional connection to people.

My parents loved me like crazy, however our love languages were completely different from the very beginning. Growing up, I didn't understand that providing for someone's survival (working 9 to 9 every day of the week) is the ultimate expression of caring; and therefore, I thought so many times that they just didn't care enough about me.

The way I expected love to manifest itself, was through hugs, words of encouragement, and most importantly: quality time. So, as it turns out, the only people who provided these experiences for me, shone in the TV screen and lived in between the pages of my favorite books.

Fiction became the means through which I MADE IT, day by day. It filled me with hope and a strong will to transcend the social standards I found so bewildering. It helped me develop a sense of purpose, ambition and lust for life.

So, having been raised (in my teenage head) by fiction itself, I only found it natural to pledge my allegiance to the craft of storytelling. I would become part of the world that had saved my life, and that had held me up through all those years.

I started writing short stories, directing artsy videos in the clumsiest of ways, doing photography, drawing and editing. Eventually, I chose to major in Media, which was the closest thing to filmmaking in my small town. I would dedicate my life to movies, and stories... is what I thought.

And then came University. After going through a dense period of undetected depression, I bowed to fake confidence in order to change my life. I wanted recognition, friends, love, and life outside of the walls I had built up around myself. And I succeeded.

Friends, parties, popularity, boys... my first boyfriend. I dove into it all with a proud mask, one that was naturally destined to crumble; and, when it did... all the colors around me faded back to grey. Who had I been for the past four years of my life?

I still lacked true confidence in myself, and I still saw myself as someone unworthy of true connections because I STILL felt like an alien amongst everyone else...

It was after I broke up with my second boyfriend, (the one I thought I would marry), that I realized I had substituted my ambitions for immediate carnal pleasure. Yet, the truth underlying both forms of escapism was that I lacked self-knowledge and self-love.

Therapy was the biggest game changer for me. That last year of University as accompanied by the beginning of an intense deconstruction process that continues to this day .

Shortly after I graduated, the pandemic hit, and it was thanks to psychology and introspection that I was lucky enough to get through lock-down and make the most out of my alone-time.

I learnt to treat myself in my own love language. I turned to care for my body, for myself instead of others. I learnt to meditate to listen to my own thoughts with compassion, and I learnt the principles of forgiveness. I guess the moment my mask came crumbling down, I was blessed with a chapter of beautiful emotional growth in my life.

I still did some things out of spite, heartbreak, and ego. I picked up painting for example, because I missed my ex so badly I wanted something that would keep me close to him (he's an artist). Surprisingly, I found it more satisfying than I expected - so much so that I kept at it for two years straight through lockdown, and adopted it as part of my creative regime.

Another year went by and, through by accessing an artist's community, I learnt even more about self-love and genuine interactions with people. I felt like I made my first vulnerable connections on an art course I took. It was like I was speaking to others for the first time, without a mask.

It was scary! Opening up, talking as myself, speaking my mind, and exposing who I really am... OMG. I was incredibly lucky to do so in a community filled with such empathetic, sensible and emotionally mature people. I learnt so much.

It was like stepping into a fresh drizzle under the warm sunlight, or jumping into a swimming pool after walking in the desert for hours. And, as I discovered my freedom, I was finally able to heal from my past relationships by empathizing with my exes, and switching my perspective into seeing me as the protagonist in my life.

It was a huge break for me. Looking back at it, now... those things make so much more sense. I not only let go of the idea that I could only live reality through someone else's story, but I also tasted what it was like to breathe free from the filter of fiction. As it turns out, reality was also mine to live.

Funny...

I started typing, searching for an explanation as to why a person is worth MORE than their professional achievements, but instead I found out what I have been missing these past few months: my version of the story. The reason WHY dedicating my time to things other than my professional endeavors has been completely worth it: My choices catapulted me into a reality where I am able to taste life in a much wider roster of colors.

People will often times talk more about their professional achievements than they will about their emotional journey. Maybe they feel too vulnerable, maybe they don't really think about it, or maybe they're going THROUGH it at the moment- it's definitely harder to describe what's happening when you're still too close. Dude, it might be because it's hard to even find the words to speak your mind on this topic in the first place.

Either way, I feel like I found the answer to my question, and YES, it was definitely worth it. Every word of acknowledgement I use to describe my emotional growth journey, shows me how much I'm happy about my decisions.

By: Your Anonymous Typist

#dailyblog #emotional growth

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solarishashernoseinabook · 2 years ago

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Whatever Will had expected from his first Gathering, it certainly hadn't been this.

He still had this perception of Halt as grim and dour, and had expected most other Rangers to be the same. Instead, one of the older Rangers was entertaining a group with his gitarra, and Halt and Crowley were playing a game of dice, and the clearing was alive with the sounds of laughter and conversation.

Perhaps the biggest surprise had been meeting the other apprentices, all of whom were second years or above. They were friendly and boisterous, and instantly welcoming. 'It's nice to have a new apprentice around,' one of them, Tristan, said. 'Pity you're with Halt, though.'

'Yeah,' another boy, Carrew, said. 'He's done my assessment for the last three years. He's terrifying, let me tell you. I always feel like he's gonna fail me if I look at him wrong.'

'He nearly failed me one year,' Tristan said. Like Carrew, he was a fourth year apprentice. 'My arrows didn't hit all the targets dead centre. Can you believe it?'

Will believed it only too well. Halt's standards were exacting and he didn't allow Will to get away with anything less than perfection. He was starting to think it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, though. When Will had done his assessment under Merron just yesterday, the Ranger had actually laughed. 'You're definitely Halt's apprentice,' he'd said. 'No one else is this good their first year.'

'Hey,' Carrew said, 'you probably don't get much of a chance to relax, right?'

'No.' Will grinned ruefully. 'Before we got here, Halt had me organise all his pots by colour.'

The other apprentices laughed.

'Well, look, every year all us apprentices have a little party of our own,' Carrew went on. 'We get some time away from everyone else and get to cut loose for a few hours. What d'you say?'

'I'm in,' Will said instantly. He had been feeling disconnected from his Ward friends lately, what with all of them being busy with their apprenticeships, and the thought of spending some time with people close to his age was certainly appealing.

'Great!' Carrew said. 'Follow the deer trail behind the targets tonight. It leads to another clearing. We'll meet up there.'

Will saw the fire flickering through the trees long before he made it to the clearing. The other apprentices were there, ten in all. They greeted him warmly when he approached, and Will grinned back at them and took a seat around the fire. Niall, a second year apprentice, was pouring something into mugs and handing them out, and Will took one, listening to Carrew talk about a mission he had been on with Berrigan.

'Drink up,' Niall said, 'I went to a lot of trouble to get this stuff.'

Will lifted the mug to his lips, expecting for Niall to have snuck some coffee away from the main gathering, and took a large gulp. He spat half of it out, throat burning.

'Hey!' Niall scowled at him. 'That's brandy, that is. Don't just waste it.'

'B-Brandy?' Will sputtered.

'Yeah. Had to buy it on a trip into town and keep it hidden from Jurgen until we could get here.'

Will took another sip. It felt like drinking fire, but he forced it down, and felt it burn all the way to his stomach.

Niall topped up Will’s mug before he had even finished. Everyone else was drinking theirs, though Will caught a few people discreetly making faces when they thought no one was looking. Not wanting to be left behind, Will forced himself to drink at a slow, but steady pace. The more of it he drank, the easier it went down, to the point where the burn was almost feeling pleasant.

‘H-Hey,’ Carrew said, ‘betcha I can hit that weird bit on top of the tree.’

Will looked up at what he was referring to. Just visible in the dim light of the full moon was an oak tree with an odd, bare branch sticking up above the others, some twenty metres up. It was gnarled and twisted, and stark white compared to the other branches.

‘T-Too easy to do with an ar— an ar—’ Tristan hiccupped. ‘An arrow.’

‘Huh. Well watch this,’ Carrew said. He took out his saxe knife and threw it at the branch, and it embedded itself midway along its length. The other apprentices cheered drunkenly, and Tristan and Carrew high fived – or, at least, they tried to. Tristan ended up slapping Carrew’s shoulder instead.

It was only once the cheers died down that Llewellyn, a third-year apprentice, voiced the obvious question. ‘How’re we gonna get your knife back?’

Silence reigned for several long moments. Carrew couldn’t very well go back to Berrigan and say his knife had gotten lost, but he also wouldn’t be able to cover for its loss before getting a new one – it was too obvious, unlike an arrow, which could be replaced easily.

Finally, Will stood up. ‘I’ll get it,’ he said, the words slurred from drink.

‘You? But it must be menny tweetres—tenny weetres—’ Carrew made a concerted effort and finally managed to get the words out. ‘Twenny metres up.’

‘’m a good climber,’ Will said. He approached the oak in what he thought was a straight line, rubbing his hands together, then grabbed a low-hanging branch and began walking up the trunk.

‘Not another step,’ growled a low voice. The apprentices yelped, and Will fell out of the tree to land heavily on his backside. He rolled over and looked up, and froze.

Halt was standing in the middle of their small clearing, glaring at them. The fire cast his face in a sinister light and his dark eyes glared at them. In the sudden silence, the only sound was the snapping and popping of logs in the fire.

‘I would have thought,’ Halt began, his voice quiet, ‘that a group of boys your age would have at least some measure of sense. What do I see instead? The lot of you drunk out of your minds and quite literally throwing away precious Ranger equipment.’

‘I was gonna get it back—’ Will sputtered.

‘Don’t you start!’ Halt snapped. ‘You were weaving all over the place! If you’d tried to actually climb that tree, you would’ve broken your neck! And you!’ He rounded on Carrew, who blanched and toppled over. ‘You’re the oldest one here! Berrigan seems to think you have some brains knocking around in that head of yours! What’s he going to say, I wonder, when I tell him how irresponsible you are?’

‘Please don’t tell him!’ Carrew said, suddenly sounding much younger than his nineteen years. ‘I wasn’t responsible for getting anyone drunk, or sending your apprentice up a tree—’

‘Yes, that’s the problem – none of you were responsible at all!’ Halt said. ‘Each and every one of you had the responsibility to say no when offered that drink. A fine lot of Rangers you’ll make. I’m sure King Duncan will feel very proud with you idiots to represent him!’

Halt looked each of them in the eye one by one. ‘Each of you, go back to the Gathering,’ he said finally. ‘Rest assured, I’ll be having a talk with each of your mentors tonight. If you’re fast, you can get there and try and explain yourselves beforehand.’

The apprentices shuffled off slowly. Niall tried to pick up the bottle of brandy, but dropped it in the face of Halt’s glare and rushed off, bumping into Llewellyn on the way. The bottle lay where it landed, its contents seeping out of it and soaking into the dirt.

Through all this, Will stayed where he was below the oak tree. Halt watched the other apprentices leave; then, when they were alone, he turned back to Will. Will scrambled to his feet, filled with a sense of dread. ‘Halt, I’m—’

‘Save it,’ Halt said. His tone was more moderate now, but it was still hardly friendly. ‘We need to have a talk, Will.’

Will’s gaze dropped to the ground. He heard Halt approach and flinched, but Halt only took a seat. ‘You’ve been making some poor decisions lately,’ Halt said. ‘First the fight with Horace at the Harvest Day, now this. What’s been going on with you?’

Will shrugged. ‘I won’t do it again.’

‘That’s not an answer,’ Halt said.

‘W-Well, at the Harvest Festival, it was Horace’s fault, really,’ Will said quickly. ‘I mean, I know we’re better about it now, but he provoked me, and—’

‘Oh, my apologies,’ Halt said, the sarcasm obvious in his voice. ‘Obviously if he provoked you then your response is completely justified. I’m sure Crowley and King Duncan will love hearing that excuse over and over again when you’re an actual Ranger. I’ll ask you again: What’s been going on with you? Why do you keep getting yourself into trouble like this?’

Will hugged his knees, looking into the fire. ‘I…get too caught up in what people think,’ he said finally. ‘At the Harvest Day, Horace was making me seem silly for having Tug, and the Ranger cloak. I mean, I know Tug’s a good horse, and I know why our cloaks look so patchy, but no one else knew that. And then earlier, everyone was having the brandy, and I’m the youngest, I didn’t want to feel like some kid…’

‘You are a kid,’ Halt said.

Will picked at a hole in the knee of his trousers and said nothing. He was convinced Halt was going to dismiss him from the Corps, and then Will would be nothing but a farmboy, a disappointment to his father and Baron Arald.

‘You’re not going to get respect from people by being reactionary,’ Halt said. ‘Especially not as a Ranger. People look up to us, and that means you need to have some self-control. Don’t rise to the bait, or lower yourself to their level. You’ll only end up making stupid, rash decisions that way. Got it?’

‘Got it,’ Will mumbled.

Halt stood up with a grunt and picked up the discarded bottle. He angled it to see the label in the light of the fire and scoffed. ‘This isn’t even a good vintage.’

‘What?’ Will said.

‘Next time you do something stupid, at least hold out for a better drink than this,’ Halt said.

Will stared at him in incomprehension. He wasn’t sure, but he suspected Halt was making a joke.

Halt upended the bottle and poured the remaining brandy out. ‘Let’s go back to camp. You need to sleep this off.’

Will scrambled to his feet. ‘Is that it?’

Halt raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Is what it?’

‘You’re just giving me a – a talking to? I’m not in trouble?’ Will said.

‘Do you want to be?’

‘No!’ Will held up his hands.

Halt eyed him a moment longer before nodding. ‘Put out the fire here. In the morning, you’re getting Carrew’s knife back.’

Will grinned and hurried off through the trees to get some water.

So I have an idea for a story but not going to write it myself.

Story idea 1:

Will is a first years apprentice. Will and Halt go to the gathering (it can continue the Kalkara comes a week later). Will gets to know everybody. He thinks it's great and gets to know a lot of people. He's the only one in the first year. But there are more in the other years. Will makes friends easily. One evening they decide to meet in the woods. Will is naive and goes along nicely. A number of others have brought booze and of course that goes wrong.

How would Halt and Gilan react? Who finds Will? What does Will do? Who notice Will and a few others are gone? Are there consequences?

I would love it if someone could finish this story. You can do with it what you want. But let me know if you need inspiration or help. Of course let me know when you finished it, I would love to read it.

#ra #rangers apprentice #lil ficlets #will treaty #halt o'carrick #is halt a hypocrite? just a wee bit

43 notes · View notes

dalchiid · 2 years ago

Text

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 3

A story of obsession, fear, and lust. You're a maid whose Masters forbid you in meeting their guests for the night but your luck runs dry when you run into them and catch the attention of Lord Hoseok himself. He's smitten from the beginning and thus, your fate has been decided.

Pairing: Yandere Vampire Hoseok x Fem/AFAB Reader

Word Count: 6,246

Warnings: 18+, Yandere, Obsession, Possessive, Angst, Fear, Blood, Biting, Dub-Con, Eventual smut

Will add or remove warnings based on what's in each chapter.

I do not condone the behavior being exhibited in my work. This is solely for entertainment purposes and I hope if any of you are ever in a situation like this that you have the chance and ability to run away from it. Take care out there.

DO NOT copy, edit, or repost my work anywhere.

Chapter 3 Warnings: Yandere, Possessive, Obsession

Prev | Next

You are surprised to see you wake up before your alarm goes off. The need for sleep dissipating each second your eyes spend open. You take that as a sign to get up from bed and start your day. You usually, or at least, you're supposed to be up by 7 AM but it's 6:25 and you can't go back to sleep.

You tap at the keys on your laptop and see that it died this time so the first thing you do is go to plug it in. As you stretch after do you feel a dull ache take over your arm. You look down to see the bandages and the night before plays over in your mind like a horror movie.

You sigh.

There wasn't any time for you to cry about it. You did enough of that last night. Although the need to cry no longer existed within you. You just felt empty.

You press your tongue into the inside of your cheek. You'll worry about this and Hyun-Woo later. For now it was time for you to get ready and start your day.

You're quick to start it. Running on autopilot as you wash up and dress in your standard uniform. You go to follow the rest of the servants who line up in the hall just outside the room that houses many of the cleaning supplies. Ji-Woon stands there with a list of chores for the servants who resided within the manor. Those who live at the campus have their own head of servants, just below Ji-Woon, who assigns them their tasks for the day. As you draw closer to him you are met with a slight scowl and a slap to the head with the list he now has rolled up.

You reach up to grab the area he smacked with a look of disbelief and pain.

"Oh don't give me that look," he chides. "I barely hit you hard enough to leave a mark."

"But what was that for?" you whine. You can hear the snickers of the other servants behind your back.

"Were you or were you not told to stay out of sights yesterday?"

Your eyes widen a little. "You know about that?"

Ji-Woon rolls his eyes. "Word travels fast when it comes to gossip." His voice slowly rises as he says this and the servants next to you hush up as he sends a pointed glare their way. "Really Y/N did you really think no one would see you outside and with a Lord of Bangtan at that?"

Your face involuntary flushes at both his scolding and the memory. He didn't point out how you'd met all three of the Lords prior during the tour. You guess he doesn't know and you're not about to mention it either.

"I needed some fresh air," you mumble. You definitely don't want to talk to him about the incident preceding your visit outside. Especially not in front of everyone else. You don't think you can stomach any of their reactions.

Ji-Woon sighs before smacking you with the paper once again. You go to complain but he beats you to it.

"Don't do it again." His words leave him softly. He can't stand being upset with you even if your actions warrant such a reaction.

You look at him before nodding solemnly.

"You have the gardens again today. Finish up what you couldn't because of the downpour yesterday. After that it's the kitchen and dining area."

Nodding again you leave towards the gardens to do your work.

You're upset he found out. You're upset a lot of people were talking. It wasn't anyone's business what you did but they couldn't help themselves in talking on situations that didn't pertain to them. You didn't care to know what the exact words they shared were but just the idea of it was enough to piss you off.

You nearly stomp your way down the stairs and towards the sliding door that leads out to the garden. It's breezy out and the skies are clouded. It's not supposed to rain today but it looks rather gloomy out despite it being well into Summer. Something to match your mood.

There's a garden shack not far from the patio you step onto. It's there you go to grab the things you need. Yesterday you'd been pruning the hydrangeas before it started to rain so you'll be going back to them again today.

You grab your sheers and gloves - learning after the incident with Master Hyun-Woo that you needed to keep these on hand - and step over into the fenced archways that housed the flowers. It's for a while that you work on them. At some point you go back to the shack to grab a basket to place the parts you cut off into it. There's much to cut around the shrubs as there are many. Master Hyung-Won has a love for these flowers in particular and so he had planted as many as he could. It doesn't bother you to do such a task as you love the smell of the flowers. Enjoying your time out around the one place that brings you happiness.

At some point, you switch on over to the signet marigolds to make sure nothing was damaged during the downpour from yesterday. It's as you check the soil that you feel a presence behind you. You don't acknowledge it at first thinking it's one of the other maids who tend to the gardens along with you. They stand there for a while before making their presence known as they speak.

"Pretty girl."

You whirl around at the voice and are surprised to see Hoseok before you.

"Lord Hoseok!" You hurriedly stand and bow to him before checking your watch. It's 12 PM and he's awake? "Sh-Shouldn't you be in bed, my Lord?"

He chuckles. "I said I would find you, didn't I? And found you I did."

That didn't explain why he was up and out so early. Not that the sun would affect him much as it spent more of its time behind the clouds today. Even if it was out, most vampires would be able to tolerate it a little.

Hoseok smiles before jutting his chin towards the basket. "I see that you're working. Do you enjoy pruning the gardens?"

"Yes, it's relaxing for me."

He hums in response.

You worry your hands together. "Is there something you need, my Lord?"

Hoseok frowns a little at your question. "Did you forget? I wanted to talk to you more today."

"I-I didn't forget. I just," you shrug. "I'm kind of busy."

He pinches his slacks between his fingers to lift them up before kneeling down in front of you. "Then we can work together and talk."

Your hands shake in front of as you yell. "No! No, no Lord Hoseok you shouldn't be doing this." You come to join him on the ground, kneeling before him.

He grabs your hands with a cheeky smile and you freeze. Your face growing warm as you look him over. He's dressed in an all black ensemble. A button-down with high waisted pleated slacks. He looks stunning and his pants are being ruined by the dirty ground. You try to wrench your hands free from him but he holds onto you tighter with his smile growing.

"Lord Hoseok please don't do this." You cringe.

"Why not?" He looks confused. "And please just call me Hoseok."

"Lord Hoseok," you sigh. If he won't listen for his own sake then maybe he will for yours. "I can get into trouble. People will assume the worst and I don't want that."

He frowns a bit before sitting back on his heels. His hold on your hands loosen and you take the chance to free yourself from him. He seems to think to himself for a minute before his lips part to speak.

"Then I won't work but I'm staying. I told you I wanted to talk to you more and I will." He almost sounds like a child throwing a tantrum and you chalk that up to his Lordness.

You inhale and exhale deeply. You feel like you've aged a few years but there's not much else you can do. He won't listen to you much. At least he won't be working. That was your biggest worry.

You eye him warily. Couldn't he at least stand? You want to complain some more but there's a look in his eyes that prevents you from doing it. So you hesitantly turn back to the marigolds and get back to work.

Hoseok watches you silently as your fingers dance across the petals. Your touch is delicate as you check them for any signs of damage. You remove your glove to press into the soil to check the saturation levels and it's with wonder that he observes you.

"How did you sleep last night?"

His question catches you off guard for a moment.

"Oh, I slept well."

He hums. "How's your arm today?"

As attention is drawn to it you feel a throb. It was fine for the most part. The saliva of your Master was currently working to repair the wound but it still ached. Of course it would as it had been bitten into. Twice.

You're quiet for a moment more before you answer.

"It's fine. Healing."

You clean your hand after patting around the soil. It doesn't feel too wet and your worry over the flowers begins to diminish. The petals look fine for the most part and whatever has wilted is coming to nicely. You smile to yourself before looking Hoseok's way.

"And how are you, my Lord?"

Hoseok huffs in mild frustration. "Please just call me Hoseok. I don't care much for my title and I'm fine. Much better actually that I found you."

His words leave you feeling uneasy but you don't mention it. Instead you wonder about something else.

"How did you find me, my Lor-Hoseok?" His name feels unfamiliar on your lips without his proper address.

To this he smiles. Something along a Cheshire grin. "I have my ways."

You chuckle nervously. If he notices how slowly put on edge you are he doesn't mention it. You try and distract yourself by pruning the flowers instead.

Silence ensues as he watches you. It's a bit unnerving and you would say something if it weren't for the fact that his social status is above yours. The peace you normally feel in the garden is slowly beginning to diminish.

He continues to watch you as you finish your task and sooner rather than later you find yourself done. You go to stand with the basket heavy with all that you pruned off. Once weightless, it hangs over the crook of your arm and sways as you move. You go to turn around and gasp at Hoseok's presence as he stands close by you. You hadn't forgotten about him but he moves quickly and quietly enough for you to not have noticed him stand to his full height.

"Let me," he says as he takes the basket from you.

You don't put up a fight and allow him to take it. He follows you as you make your way to the shack to deposit your equipment and asks what to do with the trash. It's with a look over your shoulder that you tell him where and together you empty the basket within a close by bin.

His delicate hands work in tandem with yours and you wonder how much softer they must be compared to your calloused ones. Having never needed to work a day in his life you're sure. The thought doesn't leave you with a sour taste because you know this is how your lives are. It was neither fair nor unfair to you. It just was.

You take the basket from him and place it down beneath the shears and gloves you previously placed down. It hides under a table out of sight and it's from there that you exit the shack and close it shut.

Hoseok smiles and stretches out his arm for you to take. You hesitate for a moment before slipping your arm through his where he presses it firmly against his side.

"Where to now?" He leads you off towards the patio.

"Um, the kitchens but you don't have to accompany me there." Shouldn't rather.

"Nonsense. We just started our time together. It's only right I follow you to do your next task." That radiant smile of his returns. "I had a few questions I wanted to ask on the way as well."

"Like?"

Hoseok slides the door to the manor open and lets you in before following suit. Your arms coming to loop together once more.

"Like what's your life like here?"

Your brows raise high onto your forehead. "It's not much. I clean and occasionally help in the kitchen. And I attend my Master when it is required. A routine life like any other servant." You lead the two of you in the direction of the kitchen. "I'm sure the servants of your estate are no different."

Hoseok hums. "You say you attend to your Master. Only one?"

"Uh," you hesitate a little. It wouldn't be bad to say where you stood with the triplets would it? You didn't want to paint anyone in a fake nor negative light so you go with as close to the truth as possible without revealing too much. "Yes, I only attend to Master Hyun-Woo. The other Masters have servants that attend solely to them as well."

"I do recall Hyun-Sik's words from the other day. Something about Hyun-Woo against the idea of you entertaining others."

Your face grows warm and your arm aches as you tense. You don't know how to answer to that and Hoseok notices.

"Am I wrong?"

"N-no. No, you are not wrong. Master Hyun-Woo is," you stop yourself short. How do you say this? How do you speak on him without smearing his name? Everyone knew how Hyun-Woo was with you but with those outside of your home it was different. You bite your lip hard as you think. "Master Hyun-Woo isn't fond of other scents tainting what's his. He's very sensitive to the smell of others."

Well you're not entirely wrong. He wasn't fond of the scent of others if it mingled with yours. For obvious reasons but Lord Hoseok didn't need to know the whole truth.

"I see." The way he speaks is unnerving as you couldn't decipher the meaning behind the way he says his words. "I feel like I can sympathize with the man."

You look up at Hoseok with raised brows. "You can?" Did he have someone back at his estate he felt strongly about like Hyun-Woo did with you?

"I can." He nods. "Our sense of smell is quite delicate. Nothing like the werewolves but it's strong enough to pick up the scents of others. And when they're intermixed with that of our objects of desires in can become quite displeasing."

Objects of desires? Your face flushes. "I think you have the wrong idea about Master Hyun-Woo and myself."

"I think I have the perfect idea. I feel like it's pretty obvious if his reactions from yesterday have anything to say about it."

You flinch as you recall exactly what he's talking about. Hyun-Woo was clearly acting possessive of you and Master Hyun-Sik's words only fueled the acts more.

You sigh. "Sorry."

Hoseok looks down at you with a small frown. "Whatever for?"

"I don't know. My Master isn't always like this." He is.

"Oh I'm sure but it doesn't change the facts about him."

He's right. You don't know why you're so defensive of your Master. Despite what he's put you through, but he's your Master nonetheless and you wish people wouldn't think negatively of him.

"And how do you feel about it, love?"

"Huh?"

"Do you like them possessive?"

Your eyes open wide as a flash of heat takes over your cheeks and ears. What was he truly asking you?

Before you can process his question someone calls out to you.

"Y/N."

Your shoulders tense as they rise up to your ears. You don't want to face the man who calls out to you but you have no choice. You slowly turn around to come face to face with an unreadable Ji-Woon. He expresses no emotion but you know that doesn't mean anything good.

You try to slip your arm from Hoseok's but he holds you firm against him. He isn't helping your case and it begins to worry you further.

As if he just noticed him, Ji-Woon's eyes draw over to Hoseok and he bows. "My Lord."

Lord Hoseok is silent. You look up towards him and you instantly regret it. His eyes are alight with fire as he glares at your elder. It's frightening to look at and you have to wiggle your arm against him to make him look away. He looks to you with embers of that terrifying glare and you try to calm them down to ashes with your soft tone of voice.

"He's the head of servants, Ji-Woon. My boss, essentially."

Hoseok stares at you for a minute more before a smile breaks out across his lips. He then directs it to Ji-Woon as he speaks. "Ah, of course. I think I saw you briefly last night during the feast. It's nice to have a name to a face."

"The pleasure is all mine, my Lord." Ji-Woon bows again. As he draws back up he stares at you again with that unreadable expression. "Y/N shouldn't you be working?"

Your mouth drops open along with your furrowed brows. "I am." The words leave you almost unsure as you look up to Hoseok who has made no move to release you. If anything his grip on you is iron-like especially when you try to pull away from him.

Ji-Woon seems to sense the situation and bows once more to Hoseok before speaking. "My Lord forgive me but this maid has much to attend to today. If it is a tour you are interested in I can give it to you myself or if you would prefer another-"

"That won't be necessary." The words come out harsh and cold. Hoseok seems to look down on Ji-Woon as if his presence was a nuisance to him. It disturbs you and it's then you force your arm out of his grip.

He doesn't react to you nor does he look at you. Your arm hurts from how tight he held it and you massage the limb to relieve it. You stand awkwardly by his side almost as if you're waiting to be dismissed. Neither of the men look at you choosing instead to look between one another and it's leaving goosebumps up and down your arms. Ji-Woon looks unperturbed but Hoseok seems irritated by the elder's presence.

You clear your throat. "I should be headed for the kitchens now." You should but you announce it in hopes it breaks the fierce eye contact being held between the two men.

There's nothing at first but soon after Ji-Woon is the first to break it with a smile directed your way. "Be careful."

You don't know why but his words feel ominous. As if he was telling you to be careful of something more.

Hoseok stares at him for a little longer before directing his sight onto you. Any sort of irritation, anger, or disappointment in his eyes are gone as he stares at you with his radiant smile. The heart shape appearing almost as if to soothe any distress you must be feeling.

"I'll see you later then? You must be busy and I'm taking up your time."

You must be? He knew this but took up your time anyway.

You don't say a word in response but nod with a small hum. You don't want to say anything afraid your voice would shake. Hoseok takes your hum as a good enough answer though as he smiles once again.

He steps away from you and your elder but not without that radiant smile of his being directed towards Ji-Woon's way as well. And it's with that departing smile does he leave in the direction from whence you both came.

You're frozen in your spot confusion and something else licking away at your insides. Lord Hoseok's behavior was disturbing to say the least. In the short amount of time you've come to know him he's been amiable with you. A little pushy in some ways but nothing along the lines of what he's just done. Then again you've never seen him interact with anyone else other than yourself and your Masters. It leaves a sour taste in your mouth and you briefly wonder if his true colors were bleeding through in this short interaction.

Your name is called as Ji-Woon approaches you. He gives you a look and you're quick to defend yourself.

"I told him I was busy but he wanted to join me on my tasks." The words leave you quickly in hopes he'll hear you out.

Ji-Woon sighs. "Is he bothering you?"

Is he bothering you? You don't want to say for sure because it would make you sound ungrateful of the time you've spent together. He isn't harassing you. You don't mind spending time with him but he isn't one to take no for an answer when he should.

"Y/N."

"N-no. It's fine."

"Y/N I need to know. If we need to let the Masters know. I don't want for another occurrence such as that with the Lady of Lumière."

"It won't." The words leave you in a curt manner. "What happened with the Lady was different."

He watches the way you start to close in on yourself and sighs. "I didn't mean any harm. I just-"

"I know." Your words are softer now. "I know."

Ji-Woon looks you over before looking in the direction Hoseok had left and back. He walks up to you, his hand raising for a moment as if to rest it on your shoulder. He doesn't though and hangs it back by his side. His lips part to speak but you're faster.

"I should get going."

He purses his lips with a nod. It's as you turn to leave does he sigh. It's audible to you but just barely as your feet pad down the hall.

You hated this. How at just the mere mention of her - how your body tenses and your mood turns sour. You know Ji-Woon is looking out for you but Hoseok isn't like her. If he was you would've been bitten and bleeding the second he saw you.

You slow to a stop outside of the kitchens and rub your face. You'll have to apologize to him later. You didn't mean to snap the way you did. And when given the chance you'll apologize to Lord Hoseok for your time spent together ending the way it did as well.

The doors to the kitchen open suddenly and you have to jump out of the way to avoid getting hit. Hana gasps as she sees you a hand to her mouth.

"I'm so sorry I didn't know you were there."

"No, no it's my fault. I shouldn't have been standing here like an idiot." You give her a tired smile.

You both stand about awkwardly before a bright smile overtakes her round face. "Did you eat the food yesterday?"

"I did! It was wonderful, thank you." You pause a moment before cursing. "But I forgot about the dishes in my room."

Hana shakes her head. "It's okay! I have to go back to my room to get something anyway. If you're okay with it I can go to your room and retrieve them."

There are very few people you trust to go into your room without you and Hana is one of them. So it's without a second guess do you nod with a small "Okay."

She smiles and her cheeks puff from how hard she does so. She excuses herself and you step out of her way.

You take one more deep breath before entering the kitchen where two other maids and a servant work. They're working on tonight's dinner. Another feast that would require time so they start on it early. You excuse yourself as you get to work. It seems it's just you and, presumably, Hana that has cleaning duties in the kitchen. You work in silence even when your friend returns. The faster you get the work done the better. You work well together. Rarely getting in the other's way. At some point you ask her what her next task is and are a little disappointed to know it isn't the dining area like you.

You check your watch and see that it's nearing 2 PM. Soon Master Hyun-Woo would be awake. Unless he already is.

You give pause after putting the things you used to clean the kitchen away in the cabinets.

You have no reason to see him but you wonder if you will. Especially now that he's had his frenzy feeding, you'd more than likely not be needed for a while. It doesn't stop him from asking for you from time to time. Like early yesterday. Would he ask for you now? After what happened last night?

You shake your head. You don't want to think about that now.

Tapping your fingers against your sides, you step out of the kitchen and into the dining area where other maids are at work. You fall in line with them and you go back to your usual silence.

Normally it's like this. No one says much to avoid being reprimanded if they get caught by Ji-Woon or Dam-bi, the head servant of the campus out back. Not many know how to multi-task and are then often seen slouching about having a bit of gossip instead of working. It doesn't stop some from talking. Even as you work on the dining table you can hear hushed whispers just behind your back. You don't understand much but for some reason you're feeling a little paranoid. Enough so to think they're talking about you. About what you're not sure but you recall what Ji-Woon said about there being gossip on you and Hoseok being seen together.

Your teeth grind together at the memory. Why couldn't people mind their own business? You wipe the dining table faster and harder as your mood slowly drops. The marble gleaming under every vigorous swipe.

It's not the first time word had spread about you. The other time was when news got out you had triggered Hyun-Woo's frenzy. You remember flushing red from head to toe at the gossip. You were confronted by Leanna about it. She didn't mean any harm. As one of his carers during his frenzy she seemed more concerned for you than anything. It takes a lot to trigger something like that and whatever you did - you couldn't bring yourself to admit how - was enough to do so. He wasn't even due for a frenzy feeding either so when servants witnessed their Master escaping your room in a hurry, eyes iced and bleeding, it was enough for gossip to be born.

You move across the lengthy table, wiping down whatever you could reach as the whispers behind you began to die down. They shushed between each other before you heard someone snapping their fingers in your direction.

You flinched to each snap and was surprised to see it was Master Hyung-Won doing it.

"You," he points to you. "What are you doing? Why are you here?"

Your lips part and close in confusion. "Doing my job, Master."

"No." He shakes his head. "No, no you're supposed to be in your room. The guests will be making their way down here soon. You're not supposed to be out."

Not supposed to be out as if you were an animal. And were you really supposed to be in your room? Again? Your presence has already been made known to the Bangtan Lords. It shouldn't matter if you're out attending to your duties.

Hyung-Won snatches the rag from your hands and you nearly yelp at the speed. "If there's one thing I can't stand dealing with its my brother's temper. Go Y/N before you have to deal with mine."

No one dares to make a sound as you depart from your frantic Master. He leaves no room for argument. Even then he isn't Hyun-Woo. You can't talk back to him. Despite the silence it doesn't stop the embarrassment from washing over you. You could already imagine the things that would be said about you.

You wipe your hands on your pants as you make your way out and through the halls. It shouldn't matter now why you were out but you'll deal with it. You had no choice unless... Unless you convinced Master Hyun-Woo otherwise. You bite your lip in thought. Why shouldn't you confront him? You had to see one another at some point again anyway despite what had occurred the night before.

You take in a deep breath to prepare before nodding to yourself. You'll go see him.

Stepping around a maid in crossing, with a little more pep in your step you make your way up to your Master. You're nervous to see him again and he'll know by the way your heart beats erratically but you needed to speak with him. He needed to know that you wanted to work. You couldn't stand being locked up in your room yet again over his jealousy. You'd have to come to a compromise wouldn't you?

You shake your head. You'll get to that when the time comes. Right now you had to stop psyching yourself out and knock on his door you now stood before.

Your lip is bitten raw before you finally raise your fist and bring it down to his door. The first knock is soft and if it weren't for the fact that he's a vampire you doubt he would have heard it. Still you do it again louder this time and wait with baited breath.

There isn't an answer. You look at your watch and doubt he's left his room already. But what if he did? you question yourself as you go to knock again, but still no answer. You sigh when silence is all that greets you. You're about to give up and walk away when the door opens by the slightest bit. Your eyes widen and your heart beat escalates dramatically.

You're met by a sliver of Hyun-Woo's face as he timidly looks out.

"You came." His words are soft and layered with confusion and disbelief.

All of the words you wanted to say leave you at this point. A cold sweat takes over your body and you have to shove your hands into your pockets when they begin to tremble. You swallow hard before nodding.

Hyun-Woo looks down for a moment as he's consumed by his thoughts. He's like this for a moment more before he opens the door wider. "Come in."

It was now or never. It didn't stop the shake in your legs as you made your way in. You berate yourself. Tell yourself to keep it together because last night that wasn't your Master. Was it? The timid man before you wasn't him either.

Hyun-Woo closes the door behind you before scurrying off in the direction of his vanity where he leans back against it. He watches you. Watches the way you struggle to get the words out. He feels horrible and you can tell just by the look on his face.

"Last night," you start. "That wasn't you."

Hyun-Woo's brows furrow. "But it was." His words are like a hushed whisper.

You shake your head. "It was but it wasn't. You," you struggle to get the words out. "You wouldn't have done that to me if it wasn't because something triggered you."

"Who are you trying to convince here?"

His words give you pause. You slowly blink as you get a hold of your erratic heartbeat he can so clearly hear.

You ignore his question. Instead speaking out one of your own. "What triggered you?"

Hyun-Woo is silent before he looks off towards the side. His brows that were once furrowed with sorrow are now furrowed in slight agitation. He doesn't answer. Choosing to grind his teeth together instead.

You watch the way his jaw clenches and unclenches and you sigh. "Fine. But tell me that wasn't you."

He looks back your way and you can see the gears going in his mind. A million thoughts flit behind his eyes none made aloud to you. Instead he watches you - his brave, brave girl. He watches you before he answers.

"And if it was?"

You swallow hard and your nostrils flare. "It wasn't."

Hyun-Woo closes his eyes in silent defeat. His arms are crossed and it's what's keeping him upright and protected right now. His lips part softly before he answers you. "Then it wasn't me."

A feeling of relief floods you at his words. He can physically tell you're not on edge anymore and it does something to his heart.

"Is that all?"

His question stumps you for a moment before you recall the real reason on why you came here.

"Master Hyung-Won scolded me."

Hyun-Woo frowns and he straightens from where he stands. "Why?"

Your fingers wiggle in your pockets a little. "He didn't like that I was cleaning the dining area. Said he didn't like dealing with your temper."

He frowns further before the realization behind what you mean washes over him. "You should've been in your room," he sighs.

"But they've already seen my face and nothing bad has happened. I'm okay." It's like you're pleading to the wall because he shakes his head before you even finish the sentence.

"It doesn't matter, Y/N."

"But-"

"No buts. Don't make me punish you."

The empty threat still gives you pause. The images from last night rearing their ugly head. He seems to notice how your reaction has shifted into something less pleasant and he curses to himself.

"Not like that." He frowns as he makes his way over to you. "Please know I don't mean it like that."

Hyun-Woo stands before you. His arms uncross and he hesitantly places his hands on your arms. He can feel the way you tense at first before loosening under his touch.

"I just," you sigh. "I don't want to be alone."

He watches you for a long moment. You watch him as well. Watch as a series of emotions runs across his face before his nose scrunches. He sniffs once, twice, then a third time closer to you. He pulls back and an irritated look overtakes his face.

"Why do you smell like Hoseok?"

Your face drops and you're left speechless. You forgot vampires have sensitive noses.

"Y/N." He clenches his teeth.

"I ran into him earlier but I swear," He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I swear nothing happened Hyun-Woo."

He sighs. "What did he do to you? What did he say?"

Should you tell him the truth? You doubt he'll like a single bit about it so you do the one thing you hope you can get away with: you lie.

"We just bumped into each other. I apologized and he said it was okay. I promise nothing else happened."

Hyun-Woo watches over your face. At the way you try and lie to him. Hoseok's scent is too strong for it to have been a mere "bump." It angers him but he tries to not let it get to him. You clearly wanted to keep the peace and if that's what you wanted he'll give it to you. For a price.

"Fine."

You raise a brow. "Fine what?"

"Fine. I believe you."

Your other brow joins the raised one before you give a soft smile. He believed you. You felt at ease.

"And I'll let you work tonight."

Your smile drops as something unreadable takes over his expression.

"You can work but only for me. You wait on only me. Your eyes on me and no one else. Understood?"

Your lips part open and close as your words slowly come to you. "I-I've never had to wait on any of you. What if I mess up? I can just work in the kitchen like I normally do."

"No." He nearly cuts you off. "You'll wait on me. Again, am I understood?"

You're nervous and it's beginning to show. The way he looks at you unreadable and his one hand curling deeper into your arm. He's like an unmovable force and you're beginning to regret coming here. You swallow deeply and do the only thing you can which is to nod. Hyun-Woo nods along with you with a barely there smile.

"Good. Now I need you to shower. Get. His. Stench. Off of you." He says each word with a clench to his teeth.

You know that means you have to shower and wear your last remaining uniform before you need to have your things washed. You nod again, almost hesitant this time before you part your lips to speak. "Yes, Master."

#bts x reader #yandere bts #bts fanfic #bts fic #yandere bts x reader #hoseok x reader #yandere hoseok

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