#the last thing i ever said to them was a fucking joke about how id get revenge on whoever had cursed them with cancer

[red-velvet-0w0]

.

[cthulhum]

is heterophobia real

[bitchimasnake-sss]

i had this idea for ace x reader id love to see😭 basically idk something along the lines of the reader being apart of the whitebeard pirates and ace having a crush on them/pining for them and they stop at some island to chill/celebrate or something and while partying later in the night reader tells ace he can kiss them if he catches them and after a bit of (playful) runing reader goes into the water at some beach and ace obviously cant follow bc of his devil fruit and yesh djdjjdhd idk how it would play out but lets say ace somehow ends up getting that kiss :3 you’re very much free to add to the story or change it!!

heheheh, this is so cute. i am an ACE TRUTHER FOR LIFE AAAAAAAH *rips my shirts and turns into a wolf* [i-ignore the fact that this has been a wip for about... 1.5 months now, im sorry. i will repent.]

❤️‍🔥hey! that's unfair! ft. portagas d. ace

set-up: as mentioned above by anon! playful banter, nicknames, chasing each other around. that's just part of being a crew, isn't it? okay, but what if your very attractive crewmate was running after you to kiss you? not very crew-mate-y of them, is it? warnings: NOT PROOFREAD CAUSE MY BAD, DUDE. nothing major cause i have wrote enough smut to last me a lifetime and i need a cleanse. contains playful banter/flirting, mentions of the asl brothers' past, "slut" as a joke. ace ughhh light me up. [my digital footprint goes crazy, but so does yours.] wc: 2.5k

"slut behaviour." your drawled out the words, nose scrunching up as you looked up at the man. your fingers drew patterns into the coarse sand, as the man above you barked out a laugh.

"huh?" ace's eyes widened, a boyish grin overtaking his features as the sun shone from behind him. the winds from the sea almost blew his hat off, and he put a hand on his head as he peered you down, "what did you say?"

"i'm just saying~" you shrugged, eyes squinted to make out his face under the harsh backlight, fingers still writing something into the sand.

"you're saying i'm the slut?" he plopped down next to you on the beach mat once he was done setting the beach umbrella. giving you the same unabashed grin, he popped his knuckles, "that's harsh, dude."

"i'm not the one walking around with my top off all the time!" you stuck your tongue out and ace scrunched his nose up. he was adorable. "hey, i've told you. i run hot, okay?"

he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively next, "i've always said, you can sleep with me and find out the truth."

an aggressive blush blossomed from the tip of your nose to your ears, and you instinctively pushed ace away, "is that offer only for me? or can marco uncover the truth, as well?"

his expression turned sour, eyes squinting as if he had the worst daydream a man has ever known, "tch, why would you even make me imagine that?"

"mhm." you grinned, shooing him with a flick of your nail, "now, go get me some ice-cream."

"mean." he muttered, but got up nonetheless.

you stared at the gentle waves, the scorching sun, the wet sand that changed with every little movement of the ocean. your eyes travelled to your far right where some of your crewmates drank cocktails and some of the younger ones ran around, chasing each other with faux grievances.

then, your gaze fell atop portagas d. ace.

pops ruffled his hair and the fire-fist grinned in return, talking about some nonsense that you were sure to enchant everyone who stood there. he had that effortless thing going on. he could smile and offer out his palm and the entire crew will chop off their hearts to give it to him. how pretty. i mean— er, how pretty fucking annoying!

huh?! a nauseating feeling built up in your stomach as you tried to shake down these thoughts. it was wrong, ace was just a crewmate!

a crewmate who made you laugh till you cried, someone who would come running to you with gossips, buy you souvenirs when he went to visit luffy. someone who was just a crewmate. so, you really shouldn't be thinking how he made your chest tighten or about the way his biceps flexed, or the way his eyes glinted under the sunlight or the way his smile was so—

"—here you go, princess." he shoved the orange popsicle in front of your nose and you broke out of your daze. he sat next to you under the cool shade of the beach umbrella, sucking on his own blue-colored popsicle.

"who're you calling princess?" you muttered before chomping down on the ice-lolly, "your shampoo for a year would cost half my salary if i got paid."

"mmph huh? you are so mean—" he spoke with the popsicle still in his mouth, and you flicked his forehead at how dumb he looked. he grinned and you made fun of how his pretty lips were painted a dull shade of blue.

the two of you sat there in the shade, occasionally looking over to where the crewmates played volleyball. it wasn't uncommon for the two of you to spend hours upon hours together. out of all the high ranking faction commanders, you two were the closest in age. he would often crash on your couch after a long day, and you would admire his annoying, freckled face. uh, no. what the fuck. knock it off. just a crewmate.

after a while, ace grew fidgety. fingers playing with the red beads of his necklace, mouth busy with the ice-cream stick, he asked you, "wanna play a game?"

"hm? sure." you slurped down the quickly melting ice-cream, "what is it?"

"it's called twenty questions." he balanced the small stick between his teeth, leaning back on his forearms. "luffy's navigator taught me the last time i visited them."

you hummed, "what do you do in that?"

"well, you ask twenty questions, genius." he laughed as you glared at him, and picked the ice-cream stick caught between his lips, "yeah, i figured that much out. i mean, that's it? just twenty questions."

"yeah." he nodded, eyeing the plucked wooden stick in your hands for a second before dragging his gaze up to yours. god, you were so pretty that some days ace wondered if he would go in overheating just by looking at you. probably not. but what if?

you flicked the stick away, turning towards him, "so, wanna play or what?"

turns out, ace is an absurd man. you found that out as you two were on your eighteenth question. the sun dipped below the horizon and the clouds reflected back myriad of shades, painting you and the man next to you in a thousand hues.

"huh?!" your eyes widened comically, words spluttering into a half-sob-half-laugh, "repeat that, please."

he nodded, repeating solemnly like he didn't hear himself, "i said if you had to fuck one warlord, who would it be?"

"jesus christ." your rubbed your temple, "i dunno, like mihawk? the emo thing kinda gets you going."

"tasteful choice, i agree. you think he's a vampire?" he brushed off the comment, shaking his head, "no, wait, we've seen him in the sunlight. wait, have we? anyways, your turn. ask away."

"well, i'll ask something normal." you hummed in deep thought before asking, "if you could have any devil fruit, which one would it be?"

"mine, obviously." he flashed you a cashmere smile, "somebody as hot as me must ofcourse have a hot power."

"you're cheesy as fuck," your lips puckered up as if you had something sour, "dumbass."

but marco called you both over to help set up the campfire. and so, you followed ace as you both got up to walk over to where the rest of the crew was. chatting, chugging bottles upon bottles of sake, and laughing about days long gone.

the sand got stuck between your toes, the wind blew your hair over and you could just watch awestruck as ace turned around, giving you a soft smile before tugging your wrist and running towards the crew.

"i'll fall!" you shrieked but followed him nonetheless. you would probably follow that man to the depths of hell, it seemed.

by the time you both were free, it was dark. the moon hung low, the sky lay exposed with millions of stars, the dying embers of the campfire still twinkling as ace sat down on a log next to you. the rest of the crew had either slept on each other or retired to their rooms, having drank down every inch of sake available.

"ugh," you groaned, "gotta restock in the next island."

ace laughed, and the sound was so soft. he sounded like a boy in a wrong reality, so young. "why are you so sad? didn't get any today?"

"as if i'd get any with those fuckers drowning anything that even barely resembled liquor." you grumbled, and the fiery boy could only stare at you for a second. taking in your barely illuminated form, the steady rise and fall of your chest, your eyes as you sighed and fluttered them shut, and your arms as you stretched them over your head.

you were adorable. and he was an idiot for fancying his own fucking crewmate.

he shook his head as if to gently pull himself away from staring at you too hard, and you turned to look at him strangely, "what?"

"n-nothing." the section commander muttered, choosing to look at the dying embers in front of him. blushing furiously, you chose to focus on the same welcome distraction.

you air grew thick with tension, the kind both of you got crushed under like bugs. so you cleared your throat, rubbing your palms together as you quipped up, "wanna finish that game?"

"yeah." ace mumbled, mindlessly copying your actions by running his palms against each other, "two more questions, right? you start."

mulling over his words for minute, you tipped your head back to gaze at the stars. you sighed, "if you weren't a pirate..." you paused, "then, what do you think, what kind of job would you have?"

he tipped his head back all the same, hand coming to rest a mere inches away from yours. the glowing charcoal casted a subtle glow against his toned chest, the metallic necklace shimmering against his skin. he finally spoke, "i don' know, really. just think i'll do everything to stay with my brothers. whether that's to become a thief, or to become a marine."

you slowly turned your face to look at the somber man next to you. portagas d. ace rarely got quiet. he was all high-spirits and boyish laughs, freckled nose scrunched up in mischief when he wasn't busy leading the whitebeards to victory. but whenever he got back from seeing luffy, there would be a certain gloom that clung onto his aching bones — the kind he tried to laugh away and hid behind bowls upon bowls of food.

you never understood why seeing his younger brother filled him to the brim with regret. after all, monkey d. luffy was all smiles and reckless punches, right? but one drunken night, he confessed to you about sabo. heavy words, forlorn eyes, a man racked up with guilt. no. a boy racked up with guilt over not being able to chase off death.

your fingers inched closer to his, and your pressed your soft palm against his hand. squeezing down slowly, you found yourself comforting the fire-fist without even as much as a single word.

now, the same man boy next to you cleared his throat, squeezing your soft hand right back. as he dragged his eyes from the night sky back to your face, he gave you an earnest smile, "but then, i would have never met you, and what a shame that would have been."

warmth blossomed from the tips of your fingers to the tip of your nose. what a bother. you huffed, trying to hide away anything that gave away your voracious heart, "you're so cheesy, ace."

"hah, only for you." he was all smiles. he snuck in a prolonged breath, "okay then... my turn, right? if you could join any other pirate crew which would it be?"

"aha, i know this!" you lit up, "your brother's."

"the strawhats?" ace looked genuinely surprised and you nodded, "i wanna see what kind of weirdo are you responsible for. up close."

"that's fair." he shrugged, "okay, last question. go."

"d- d'you think that some day..." you drawled on, fingers stilling against his warm skin, "that some day, we'd leave this place? retire, and do something else with our lives maybe. i don't know if i wanna still be running from marines when i'm all sagging skin and weak bones."

"do you wanna leave?" he asked softly, and you shook your head, "no. i love pops, obviously. but... like i said—"

"—you don't wanna be seventy and still with a bounty on your head?"

"maybe, yeah? if i live for that long, anyways."

"then, i suppose i would have no choice but to follow you. just promise me good food, and i'll come with." the man said it so easily, but he knew it with every inch of his heart. he would follow you to hell and back, if you ever let him.

"tch." you pulled your hand back to your chest, you palm still slightly warm from his body temperature, "what's gotten into you? stop flirting."

"okay, my last question. ready?" he spoke softly, gaze searching your face and studying the flush as you looked away from him.

portagas d. ace moved closer to you, his fingers gently taking your palm in his own slightly burnt ones, and interlocking them. he exhaled, eyes meeting yours, "if i kissed you right now, will you kill me? or will you kiss me back?"

what? your eyes instinctively moved to his pretty lips. soft, pink lips that you've daydreamed about too often in the past few days. should you lean in? or should you tease the man some more?

well, you've never been a saint, have you?

a smile tugged at your lips as you pulled at hand back to yourself again, "hm, i think i will kiss you back. but for that, you'd have to kiss me first."

and with that you took off.

"hUH?!" ace's voice shot up as you bolted away from him, and he chased after you without a second thought, "come back, oh my god."

the sand under you feet almost made you fall but you reached the sea before your crewmate could catch you. clothes growing heavy as they wetted, you moved inwards till you were submerged till your waist in the cold, oceanic water.

the water around you reflected the star-studded sky, and among them you looked like an ethereal being. divine.

"hey!" ace yelled, a small pout on his lips, "that's unfair! come back!"

you found yourself giggling, "why?" you pouted back, "come get your kiss, ace."

"ugh, aren't you troublesome?" he groaned but a grin broke out on his face as he walked towards where you stood, each step drawing you two close. when he stood barely a meter away, his feet wobbled, "if i faint, you're gonna have to carry me back princess style, understand?"

"why? marco will save you, princess. hey, don't fall!" you teased, but ace wobbled again and the smile on your lips shriveled up into a frown. you found your feet moving to him. fighting the push of waves, you reached the man and supported his figure. hands on his toned torso, eyes staring up at him, concerned. "are you okay?"

he wrapped his strong arms against you and grinned like the devil itself. you found the muscles flexing against your wet clothes, gaze trained as he stared you down. what an asshole. he was pretending.

you glared at portagas d. ace, "you cheated."

"no, i didn't." his face titled downwards expectantly, hot breath fanning your nose, "i just tried to get what was rightfully mine."

"and what's that?" you whispered up at him.

"this." his finger lifted your chin up and he pressed a soft, chaste kiss. his lips slotted against your, soft lips dancing against yours so gently. but then his grip on your chin tightened, and he pressed himself against you heavier.

hand tightening against your waist, chest flush against his and tongue passing your pretty lips. as ace pulled back, he smiled to himself. closed eyes, parted kiss-bitten lips and flushed nose and cheeks. what kind of forbidden alchemy were you? and how did he get so lucky?

"huh," you opened your eyes to catch his smile, "looks like you really do run warm."

and turns out he's not "just a crewmate" either. a day full of discoveries, it seems!

credits: @bucciniexe for the bby boy header! tagging: @help-i-lost-my-sock [i hope you genuinely like it!]; @chrollohearttags [ur tags on one of my ace fics were so funny, i had to tag you]; @tetsuskei [you told me ages ago to tag you in ace fics aaah :')] a/n: DROPPING TWO FICS IN TWO DAYS?! WHO AM I?1 omg i had so much fun writing this. don't tell anybody this, but i feel maybe my writing's block is slowly going away. yay! maybe i can upload consistently? who knows? anyways, ace has become one of my favs since i saw his greasy ass in alabasta and declared he's to be the father of my children [he's a 2d man, help].

[equallyshaw]

little lion | Luke hughes au! ↠ when luke and liona meet. - fic. ↠ au Masterlist!

warning: underage drinking. word count: 1.4k+

if her father knew whose highrise she was at, and what she was doing- he'd kill her. no, scratch that. he'd ship her to russia, have her grandmother lock her in the basement and never see the light of day ever again. to be frank, liona didn't even know how she ended up here to be quite honest. her and her group of friends since highschool had been invited to a party in newark at an off campus house and then the next thing she knew they were here, after getting a 'better invite'. her and her best friend rain, stood in the corner waiting for gavin and chris to come back with drinks for them. they saw them emerging from the kitchen, and liona sighed. "i cant believe chris scored an invite to a new jersey devils place!" rain whispered yelled and liona smirked. chris handed her a red solo cup, and gavin gave rain one. chris wrapped an arm around the girl's shoulder, and sipped some of his liquid.

gavin and rain began to talk about whatever was happening at law school, while chris and liona just listened. they had no knowledge or the logistics of their degrees, so they just took in all of it as well as the drama. the two ended up rambling on their own while chris and liona looked at one another, before laughing. "you going to see andrei soon?" chris questioned, and kailey shrugged. "i don't know, my dad wants me to come home to visit and offered the Carolina game but i don't know." she said finishing her cup. "im getting another one." she said raising it a bit, and chris nodded. "if you're not back in 5 minutes, im coming and finding you!" he announced and she nodded with a small smile. she weaved in and out of some people, finding her way to the kitchen. she set her sights on a seltzer that was in the open bowl of ice, and snatched it quickly. "is that the last cherry?" she heard to her right, and she looked through the other ones before turning to the person.

she turned to the right seeing a tall boy, brunette curly hair and hazel eyes. she swallowed before speaking, "uh there's no-no more." she stuttered pulling some hair behind her ear. he nodded, "can you hand me a random one then?" he questioned and she nodded enthusiastically and grabbed him a random one. "thanks-" he waited for her to fill in, "uh liona." she responded holding her hand out, he took it softly "luke." he responded, and they let go of eachother's hand. "do you know dawson?" he questioned and her eyebrows crinkling gave him her answer. "who?" she questioned and he chuckled softly. "my teammate, who are you here with?" he questioned. "you play hockey?" she asked softly and he nodded. oh fuck, she thought. "um im best friends with chris." she said and luke made a face of recognition. "i know who that is, he's pretty cool." he said and she smiled widely. "oh yeah definitely wouldn't have kept him around all these years if he wasn't." she tried to joke but it fell flat. she looked at the ground before both of them tried to speak at the same time, "do you wanna-?" and "im gonna go." the two of them blushed and chuckled softly. "would you wanna go somewhere and talk?" he questioned, and she looked back towards her friend group. "ummm.." she trailed off turning back to look at luke. "we don't have to, was just curious!" he said and she shook her head. "id like that, i just need to go tell my friends." she said pointing behind her. he nodded and followed her back into the living room. "hey guys im gonna go -" chris cut her off by greeting luke, and doing a bro hug with each other. gavin also bro hugged him, with rain and luke getting introduced to one another. "were gonna go talk for a bit, ill let you know when im ready to go?" kailey confirmed, and gavin pushed her playfully while chris just nodded. the two walked off towards the small movie room that dawson had.

_

next thing they knew, it was 2 in the morning and the two of them had been talking for a few hours at this point. then she dropped a bomb on him, "you're dad is the alex ovechkin?" he asked eyes wide and wonder lighting up his face. she nodded softly, "ye-yeah." she said shrugging while looking down at her converse. "oh well, that's really neat! you said your parents are not together right? was the schedule too much and stuff?" he asked and she shook her head, "no uh, once she found out she was pregnant with me..they had already broken up and he ended up fleeing back to europe before getting some sense knocked into him. but they used to fight like cats and dogs, some of my earliest memories typically ended up in a fight. so yeah, they couldn't get along longer than a few hours." she hummed, biting her lip nervously. he nodded, "im sorry kai- i mean liona." he stuttered and the way he said her middle name, was heaven. "y'know nobody has ever called me just kai before...but i liked it." she hummed while her cheeks became even rosier. "kai, huh?" he questioned with a glint in his eye, as he grinned. she nodded, "liona kai ovechkin...a mouthful." she hummed shrugging. "its perfect." he responded. "my dad though just says lion or little lion, because apparently im the forthcoming of him or i guess the second coming..." she trailed off with her eyebrows creasing in deep thought. luke found it all quite adorable.

"lion..lioness... definitely suits you." he mused and she snickered. "well if you'd like i can give you permission to call me kai." she teased and his head cocked to the side a tad bit. the two were sitting next to each other on the couch, knees only a mere inch apart. both of them looked over at one another, and luke was debating if he should do what he wanted to do. and that was kissing her. while liona was telling herself he did not like her, he was just being nice.

luke began to lean in and a his left hand quickly found her chin, pulling her softly closer as he stopped a few inches from it. his gaze had been focused on her pink lips, and now they were gazing in to her brown eyes. almost as if to ask if it was ok. she nodded softly once, and his lips were on hers. his right hand came up to her cheek, as she pulled him in a bit by the neck. but luke being the gentleman that he was (because queen ellen raised him right) he did not go any further. they pulled apart, chests heaving a bit as their foreheads rested against each other's. liona was about to lean in again but he pulled his face away by a few inches, and he could see how much that hurt the girl. she stood up, pulled down her shirt a bit by smoothing it and cleared her throat.

"kai-" he said but she put her hand up, not meeting his gaze yet. she shook her head, "its fine. i totally get it, i don't know what i was thinking there for a second." she paused ruffling up her hair a bit, and looked up at him. "its fine, im not sure any guys would want to be with me anyways. so its fine, luke." she rambled before spinning on her heel, and heading out to find her friends. the group had dissipated just a bit. chris was the first one to recognize her from the small group he was in, and quickly made his way over. once he reached her, he saw tear in her eyes. his face and tone in full protection mode, "what happened?" he asked checking her body for any brusies or cuts. she shook her head, "id just like to leave." she said as her voice cracked. he nodded profusely, wrapping an arm around her back and leading her out of the highrise.

not without luke seeing the whole scene play out, and his heart breaking just a bit as they left with his arm around her.

oh lukey... will be doing a follow up to this (:

please like and reblog if you liked!

tags: @cuttergauthier

[count-geiger]

alright guys i got a surprise class cancellation so i can tell yall about the stb dress rehearsal show last night and how it went. this is gonna be a long one grab a drink

no JUICY DEETS if you were expecting that. i am not a leaker and will never be. more like a gushy review than anything

so if you wanna hear about how will wood now knows about my university’s garfield club, feel free to read.

first of all, i can’t actually say much about the content of the show itself. sorry if that’s what you were hoping for but, if you’re going to a show on the tour, YOU WILL THANK ME LATER.

however i can say some stuff

like first of all: it is very much a kind of theatrical performance. no shit sherlock, you may be saying. okay sure but what i mean by that is that it’s not JUST a concert.

it’s very narrative based, that’s the most i’m going to say on it.

additionally, based on stuff ww said after the show while everyone talking feedback and such…

after the tour starts, PLEASE DO NOT POST SPOILERS ON TUMBLR!!! this is the kind of thing you’re going to want to see without any idea going in.

like it’s also very much a comedy show and knowing all the jokes beforehand will kinda ruin it.

so if you wanna post about the show on tumblr after you’ve seen it, maybe like. tag it or something. or put under a cut.

anyways i digress

the show was absolutely fantastic

genuinely the most wonderful i’ve ever seen in my entire life

i laughed my ass off, i cried a little, i thought way too hard about my own life decisions

all the things you’d ever want

it was NOT what i expected it to be. but it was even better than whatever i was expecting

so PLEASE take my word that all of you are going to love it.

okay that train of thought is over anyways

the vending machine at the studio only took ones (LITERALLY FUCK OFF THATS SO DUMB) so i spent most of the show with the driest mouth known to man

i’d had a sprite from said vending machine when i first got there because they also don’t have any water in it (????????) but not even like a whole can it got warm super fast

that’s just a random aside

multiple people complimented both my button down shirt AND the oingo boingo shirt i had underneath

including will’s girlfriend!! who is very pretty and seems very very nice.

she took our phones at the doors and checked our IDs and such and she was fine with the fact that i do not own a piece of ID that confirms my date of birth so that was cool.

the phone pouches we had were handmade by her apparently! they were really cool and she did a great job

anyways

i met will after the show after trying to offer feedback while we were still doing that that and stumbling through my horrific brain fog to say nothing of value because i was terribly sleep deprived!

me and jay (@jayjamjary) went at the same time

now some background.

me and jay are friends IRL, we go to the same college. people who both A. follow me and B. consistently read my ramblings in the tags will know this. but there are like three of those people AND i’m putting tags on this post so yeah

anyways we are both members of the executive board of the (officially recognized) GARFIELD CLUB at our university.

i am dead serious

and because the garfield club’s primary demographic is gay/trans autistic people, there’s a huge population of will wood fans in that club.

so jay brought two excellent drawings he’d made for the club, originally to recruit members, for will to sign.

because we have garfield show and tell contest on wednesday and we wanted to fuckin win

ANYWAYS.

these drawings, by the way, just happened to be of garfield being crucified and of garfield as hatsune miku.

will’s reaction to seeing these drawings was, and i quote, “what the fuck”

his reaction to the existence of the garfield club was, and i quote, “what the fuck”

both like a very amused, bewildered what the fuck.

he then signed them with possibly the greatest thing he’s ever signed ANYTHING and i’ll have to force jay to post them.

anyways

i also showed him a drawing i made for him, because i wanted to make a drawing for him.

he said my drawing was really really cool and he was really happy that i got his nose right because he never sees that

i was SO happy to hear that i was like ready to cry i was scared that drawing sucked

cuz i just did in the course of like a few hours while sitting at a random table in a big room on campus and all that whatever

but like yeah he called his girlfriend over she complimented it too

he signed it!!!

we took a picture and it looked a million times better than the two other pictures i have with him so that’s great

anyways

i’m trying very pointedly to avoid saying anything about the actual show because i want people to be able to go in blind

because *i* did and it was amazing

and i’m so glad that the show i’m going to is going to be super different apparently so i’ll ALSO have no idea what to expect from that

also, for anyone curious, i’m going to asbury park/halloween show november 3rd (and im going as young ford pines, specifically that time in tbob when he was possessed by bill, so if you see that there, that’s me)

anyways

man take shot anytime i say anyways

you’ll be fuckin dead

i had a great night, it was a spectacular show, you’re all gonna love it when you see it

[billsbabydoll]

“𝒾 𝓁ℴ𝓋ℯ 𝓎ℴ𝓊 𝓂ℴ𝓇ℯ.”

contains:PURE FLUFF<3

summary:me and tom have been having a 2 year long friends with benefits relationship since he moved to LA, and id be lying if this hasnt caused me to build real romantic feelings.today i decided to finally speak up, soon out finding i wasnt the only one feeling them too!

WARNINGS:cringe fluff lol, friends with benefits, situationship, crush confession, kissing, new found relationship.

me and tom knew each other from various mutual friends who then later introduced us to each other once at a party, that night tom and me slept together and have been ever since for the last two years.

other then that me and tom had quickly grown closer and closer as time went on, we were best friends (who hooked up occasionally), we talked about everything, he even once told me if he didnt marry anyone hed just end up marrying me, which i mean i wouldnt be complaining.

all the small flirting, the pet-names, the “casual fucking” seemed completely meaningless to him, i wonder if he was just trying to play it cool like he always did.but to me it was far from meaningless and in reality it was really driving me crazy.he understood me as well i understood him, he made me feel things no other man had ever made me feel, i know its cheesy but he gave me butterflies.

everytime he would introduce me to his new girlfriend of the month i wished i was that girl, the jealousy and envy coursed through my veins every single time.

that girl he was hugging, kissing, touching, calling “baby” should really be me.

today tom called asking if i wanted to go get some lunch and then watch the sunset at the beach, this was a common occurrence of ours so of course i quickly accepted.

tom soon came to pick me up, honking the horn of his car as a sign to “hurry the fuck up”.i quickly rushed out of the door, rushing into his vehicle closing the car-door as i sat down.

“hii dollll.” he said in a sing-song voice with that same little smirk he always had, looking me up and down before beginning to pull out of my driveway onto the road.

“heyy tomm, where are we stopping for lunch?” i replied nervously trying to not be bothered by the use of his pet-name and the way he looked me up down.

“oh you know already where babe, your favorite obviously.” he replied nonchalantly as he continued driving his eyes focused on the road, unaware of the pink blush spreading across my cheeks.

i nodded thinking to myself, “should i just tell him today, what if he doesnt feel what im feeling too, what if he gets upset?”a billion what ifs filled my head.

after a few minutes of driving we finally arrived at my favorite restaurant here in town, he parked the car before getting out of the car first, coming to my side to open the door for me.

i stepped out of the car with an appreciative smile as he shut the car door and took my hand in his, leading me inside the restaurant.he had already called and made a reservation so we were quickly seated, we were ushered to our booth by our waiter before sitting down tom on one side of the booth me on the other, the waiter then asked for our drink orders before slipping away.

the waiter later came back with our drinks placing them down, giving us a minute to settle in and to take a look at the menu, before coming back and taking our orders and quickly scurrying away.

“so hows work been tom, you and bill still working on some new lyrics?”

“yeahhh, ive been going to bills place everyday trying to work on theses lyrics but me and him keep clashing so who knows if well even finish a single fucking song.”he chuckled, looking down at his drink as he swirled the straw in the glass.

“how about you babe, you still at your miserable 9-5 job?”

i sighed dramatically at the mention of my job it was hell and tom knew how much i hated it, it was quite literally hell on earth.

“yup unfortunately i swear that place is gonna be the death of me!” i joked with a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

we continued catching up for a bit, until the waiter soon arrived back with our meals, placing them down on the table.we thanked the waiter before digging into our plates continuously conversating throughout the meal, laughing and joking like we always did.

after we finished eating tom insisted on paying like he always did, afterwards we made our way out of the restaurant back into his car.now driving towards venice beach, making a quick stop at the gas station to pick up a pack of beer and some cigarettes.

now we were sitting on the sand, taking in the view of the pinkish-orange sky, the birds flying above, the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.i could just stay here forever with him, but every fantasy has its reality and it was now or never if i wanted this future with him i had to say something.

“tom i need to tell you something..”i spoke up anxiously taking a huge swig of beer from my bottle trying to pump myself for what was to come, looking up slowly meeting his eyes.

“okay whats up?”he answered curiously.

“i love you,i- i mean uhh..tom you mean everything to me and i know were just friends and when we hook up its just sex but i really like you and ive really tried to stop and i cant!-”

suddenly my nervous rambling was stopped by his lips pressing against mine.the lips that i only kissed for sex were now kissing mine sweetly, slowly, and delicately.

he was first to pull away, looking into my eyes with awe and love, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear before cupping the side of my cheek with his hand, rubbing his thumb gently against my skin.

“i love you more.” he whispered his voice content and sincere, a small grin growing on his lips.

“you dont know how fucking long i was waiting for you to say something baby.”he added.

i laughed not only feeling relieved that my feelings were reciprocated but happy he wasn’t upset nor angry!it felt as if a 100 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

“why didnt you say anything tom?!”

“i was scared of ruining the friendship!”

“YOU WERE SCARED?!”

“YES!”

we both continued laughing at each other and at the fact of us both being too afraid of each others rejection to confess to one another, sharing a couple more giggles and few kisses before tom then began to speak up again.

“so does this mean your my girlfriend now babe?”he asked with a tone of seriousness and anticipation.

“yeah if you stop bringing those “girlfriends of the month” around.”i replied a soft giggle escaping my lips, playfully placing a kiss on his cheek.

“you got it gorgeous.”

THE END

[diduthinkihadforgotten]

tonight i am thinking about how you’d play with my hair til i fell asleep in your arms. remembering doing the same to you.

i say it all the time but i keep replaying every moment in my mind on a loop. every movie night, every bad joke you laughed at anyway, every eye roll and sleepy morning the late night conversations and the last time i ever hugged you.

i miss our dog. i miss the kind of frivolous impulsivity we brought out in each other. silly adventures with my most fun friends and my favorite person. when we got our dog, our Draco, it was another random wonderful thing. the way you looked at me when i told you i’d take him home.

i thought about sending you an ill advised late night message, something-something i had a best friend and now i don’t. i haven’t felt this alone since i was a scared little kid.

that probably isn’t healthy. probably a bad omen. but my mind keeps going back to that night you fought my ex, before he was my ex, for my honor. you always told me i deserved better than anyone here could give. that fucking tic tac toe game.

someone once told me that you and me were always gonna be playing secret mental 4d chess light yagami & l lawliet style until we either fucked or killed each other. i had already won at that point- you told me as much.

i remember when we had that conversation. you and me were in our own little world sitting across from each other and locked in the best pokemon game i’d had in months. that tiny picnic table was crowded like the last supper. we had 13 people not including ourselves. we’d arranged the whole hang out so we could play cards in the dark and drink cheap brandy.

i was about two turns away from winning the game when you looked me in the eye and told me that i’d officially and entirely beaten you. i asked if you meant the card game and you said no. i laughed and we put the cards away anyway.

we were close again so quickly. all it took was a 16 hour phone call in february and a premonition.

when i moved back i was so terrified id be entirely and wholly alone, but there you were. i hadn’t even told you i was coming back yet. but you were waiting. you’d made the rest of them wait too. i didn’t spend a day alone that i didn’t want to.

even now, it’s like you’ve got a sixth sense for when i’m feeling especially and overwhelmingly alone. you still care and still check on me even though we broke everything and you should hate me for it.

i wonder what weird red string-christmas lights up on the wall-twin flame fate tied us together like that. if i occupy a similar spot in the back of your mind to the niche i let you stay in.

i’m sure someday we’ll see each other somewhere as inconsequential as a grocery store, or out and about on halloween. it’s a small town after all. we can’t pretend to avoid each other forever.

i miss you, too.

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[doodlesolar]

ok i cant get this shit off my mind, thisll be word soup

someone made a post and i forgot who it was but many more people than them hold the opinion:

they said to stop saying "having DID is like having a built-in friend group" and "having DID is having a bunch of aesthetics" because they said those sorts of statements make it trendy. they said somehting like "its not trendy its debilitating" and i just wanted to explain/defend myself cause i cant get the fuckin post off my mind &im gonna lose it (lighthearted)

i'm professionally diagnosed, have every symptom. it is fucking awful, but i hear that my system has better communication (that is thanks to therapy though). alters in my system treat eachother like best friends, we love eachother, we dont use family-words like a lot of systems. just saying all that for context: the system itself is not harmful to me, and if i didn't have DID id prolly still have a fucked-up memory.

I sometimes say that this disorder is like having a built-in friend group but that's mostly either as a joke in very closed-off circles of people who all have the disorder OR its in response to people suggesting fusion. it's my way of saying "hey this system is a good thing for me". I had a whole fakeclaiming fiasco turn into forced fusion in 2021, it was very traumatising, it included a "crisis stabilisation facility" (i hate those places sm ive gone to the same one 5 different times) but we've tried fusing numerous times as a result of fakeclaiming. Now that i have a professional diagnosis (i got it last year), ive been told ffusion is a good option for me. im done being told that this disorder is such a limit for me. I don't want to fuse, so i tell people its like having a built-in friend group to just hammer home how much i dislike being given medical advice from layman. That's probably not how others say it, i know others probably mean it in a genuinely offensive way, but i couldn't get the post off my mind and im explaining the way I personally mean that statement so that i can just forget i ever saw that fucking post (i hold no bad feelings against the post in particular, its just sticking in my brain and im upset at the fact im still thinking about it more than anything else)

[salad-006]

btw salad what's ur opinion on eddsworld legacy?

For the most part, i think legacy is Okay. It's not the Best, but its nice to see so many people come together to finish off the show. I can respect all the work these guys did, especially tomska.

If you came for my option on the season and thats it you can leave, because the rest of this is me going crazy mode

My only real problems lie with only 2-3 episodes, and it drives me Crazy because they're By Far the most popular, so they've caused the most problems. This one question ended up becoming a giantic essay SORRY im just passionate about ebbworld

Keep in mind these are Just my options, I'm not going to look down on you if you're the number one The End Fan. If you like it then Cool, you can continue to enjoy it. And i can continue to hate it over in my corner

I'm keeping this section on Fun Dead short, mostly because it's not really the worst offender

The "Obliviously stupid to progress the plot" trope is so bad here. They've seen zombies before how do they not recognize them now. I get them being oblivious to super obvious things is the joke ,but its just not funny

For a Zombie centric episode, there's barely any Fighting. I feel like big fight scenes are what people like most with these. But no we get a 30 second montage, one that's not even animated

They are such wusses in this episode id bully them if i was there i think

The End. Don't even get me started on The End. Legitimately i have never seen such a botched finale in my life. Fair warning this is about to get long and angry im sorry

Let me ask one question: how come in the Finale To Eddsworld Legacy, the season Dedicated to Edd Gould and his work, Edd Himself does not play a prominent role? I'm not even kidding, you could write Edd out completely and Nothing would change. Ive heard people say this was Tomska going out with a bang before leaving the show, but from what i know he also wanted eddsworld to be completely over at The End. If that's true he could have atleast let Edd shoot the harpoon or some shit, come on

This is such a disappointing finale overall. They don't do anything exciting. We just get to watch a little "do you remember this episode?" Montage, all the sudden everything gets crazy then oh! Episodes over goodbye forever.

An end fight might have been more exciting had it been set up properly. They gave us the bare minimum, which was having tords stupid little gang tag appear a few times then having two of his coworkers/soldiers appear a few times. That doesn't hint at a Tord being an evil meglomaniac who's got a giant fucking robot hidden under the house

FUTURE EDD CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AS WELL, AND HE WORKS GREAT BECAUSE HE SETS UP THE LORE IMMEDIATELY. Tords return gave us Nothing beyond "he is manipulating them!!" Instead we get the book dropped on us halfway through the LAST EPISODE OF THE SEASON without ever being given any sort of explanation. That's just it.

ALSO FUCK BRINGING TORD BACK AT ALL. the dude asked to be removed from the show and what did they do? Hinted at his return like 15 times then had him come back as this manipulative mastermind, whos got a bunch of science stuff and a russian accent. At the bare minimum you could have writtten him to atleast resemble something close to Tord. There's literally more evidence that points to him being a clone than there is him being the real Tord, and it WASN'T EVEN INTENTIONAL.

Took a character who had left with all his loose ends tied up, brought him back with completely new unexplained info, then ended the show with both the original and the new loose ends untied. I've read this was Tomska trying to write Tord out of the show for good, but he somehow managed to do the complete opposite by leaving him at a LITERAL cliffhanger. Now all the 12 year olds are @ ing eddsworld begging he comes back for a redemption episode.

I could scream forever about the end but ive already said too much SORRY. This is why im just rewritting it myself to make it good

One last thing: its somewhat heartbreaking to me how Legacy has totally overgrown the classic episodes. Of the top Ten most popular videos on the channel, Seven of them are legacy episodes, with Edds three episodes being at the very bottom of the list

I just don't like it. I dont like how legacy has become like the Face of what eddsworld is. Maybe it's just because Edds work has been one of the biggest inspirations in my life (if that wasn't obvious already) IDK it seems unfair

Tldr: i dont like what legacy has done to the series and the fandom, but it's okay for the most part. Fuck The End though

[transexualpirate]

Okay this is extremely random and hopefully you don’t mind me asking *inhale* BUUUUUT I ate an edible for the first time today and since I do believe you have experience in the weed business you could help me understand this more cuz like I ate about a third of a full edible n im not sure how many mgs were in it but like do you think it was too weak because I thought it’d be like… me tripping out and discovering the secrets of the universe and making jokes so uncharacteristically hilarious that it scares people but all I did was get so loving and joyous and horny and laughing at everything to now im just hungry as fuck. Overall I felt different for about 5 or 6 hours. But it wasn’t like crazy or anything, all it did was put me in a relaxed and happy mood but physically I felt nothing. Was that liek a weak dose or does that sound normal and would eating more next time get me more fucked up … if you know. I’m sorry if that question is stupid like i said it’s my first time n idk what im doing 💔

NO UR GOOD DON'T WORRY it's good to ask people but i gotta say im unfortunately not as experienced as id like to be, ive only ever tried smoking and homemade edibles :/ BUT i might still be able to help you here!!!!! it sounds like you were only a little high like in one of the lowest "levels". i get like that when im smoking and only take a few hits. barely feel anything physically but i do get hornier and more relaxed (and sometimes sleepy)

the first time you try weed it's very common that one of two things will happen: either you won't feel almost anything or it hits so hard you might even get a bad trip. that's like a very common thing, most people react like that and it was like that for me too (the first time i ever tried it i was at the beach and barely felt anything at all, just kept staring at the waves wondering when it was gonna hit and then i got sleepy and went home). another thing is if you're eating it the effects can take a long long long time to actually hit. like to me personally it's usually almost two hours until im actually feeling it and then three hours until it peaks. when it does i get a really good trip for around three or sometimes (depends on the mgs and what else i consumed during the day) even four hours and then it starts going away. there are some things you can do to feel it faster like eating it in an empty stomach but i don't recommend it at all. also if you eat it with chocolate or milk for whatever insane reason it tends to last a little longer i have no idea why?? but it's a real thing, it's why pot brownies (or any recipe involving chocolate) are so popular

did you have a trip sitter or just anyone else with you? if they had tried it before and ate as much as you did and managed to get high it was probably just because it was your first time. if you didn't eat as much as them it's also possible that you didn't eat "enough" (BUUUUT if you didn't cook it yourself it's like always better if you start by eating very little then you wait like an hour to see how you feel, if you don't feel anything THEN and Only Then you eat some more. if you didn't cook it yourself, you don't know how strong it is yk? better safe than sorry you don't want an unexpected green out). and if you ate the same amount and it was also their first time then maybe you just have a stronger metabolism it happens sometimes. if you wanna try again i recommend eating the same amount and waiting, if you only feel the same thing again maybe try eating some more and waiting even more

if it's eating not smoking it's good to take like a whole evening for that because like i said trips from edibles last way longer. can go for even eight hours sometimes

i hope this helps :]

[genlossneg]

ok. i didnt mind genloss, it was ranboos first massive project, theyre only 19 and a streamer, ok. but oh my god would it kill to take an improv class. the first 2 episodes felt like an snl skit. especially when it was branded as original and then was just some sort of frankenstein of different horror tropes from ranboos favourite horror media, that just reminded me of snl stealing joel havers skit lmao.

there were so much issues with it and i feel like i wouldnt mind as much if it was branded as a horror comedy a few months before the show, not 3 days before the show. a few months before and the weeks leading up to may 24th, it was branded as "you arent ready for this. this is groundbreaking, nothing will ever be the same after this show. this is serious." etc and then i think it was like 3 days before may 24th there was that fucking showfall media psa that just felt like ranboo saying "oh btw its a comedy" without warning it caught me so off gaurd lmao.

then he streamed after that sfm psa released and, if i remember right, people were asking about it being a horror comedy in chat and ranboo was like "well yeah obviously did u think id make a project 100% serious? no lol" (dont quote me on that though its been a while) now theyre saying gen 0 and gen 2 are going to be completely horror now, but i dont think thats true bc they also said gen 1 was mostly horror and none of it is

speaking of, the advertising was just lies lol. the whole "little to no filler :D" thing. it wasnt like ranboo didnt expect the improv to last that long bc the expected runtimes (from their tumblr post on may 23rd i think) were sometimes longer than the actual ones. 1st ep was meant to be 1-2 hours, it was 1 and a half, so that much filler and standing around going "what the hell man" was PLANNED. they just lied about no filler to make people excited. just be funny and i wont mind the filler. i like sneegs humour in his streams but here he was just bickering with ranboo. same with ranboo to charlie, charlie was the only one making actual jokes so when ranboo and sneeg were alone it was just "wait so why didnt you just-" "well idk i thought u woul-" "well why would i-" and when i tell you it drained my soul.

ive been a massive ranboo fan for about a year (im recovering dw), and after the game theory episode i got really hyperfixated on genloss (up until the sfm keynote thing i think). i was hyped for it back when T_1 was the only thing released for genloss, and followed it all the way up to the streams. i watched them live and my face was just like 😐 I WAS SO DISSAPPOINTED LMAOOO

the box being 18k pissed me off so much bc an experienced filmmaker/writer/director could make something so much better than genloss with just that 18k. i aspire to make my own live action thing one day, and like, hearing them go "oh yeah the box was 18k and jermas face prosthetics were 10k teehee🤪🤪" was just. AAAAA. and the thing is, like the prosthetics were funny, but spending TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS as a BIT from jerma going "what if i took off the mask and it just doesnt look like me lol" then framing urself as jesus christ and a victim. i am so mad.

idk how to feel about ranboo anymore, i used to watch like every 2nd stream for a while but then the whole "GUYS BUY MY MERCH also racism bad MERCH!!!!! BUY!!!!" thing made me rethink lol. the racist and misogynistic undertones in genloss made me so uncomfy, and while im not poc so i cant speak on that, i have enough sense to know that having the only poc in the entire show play evil rats is so tone deaf.

and niki!! i was worried when the teasers were coming out bc every single person shown in it was a white guy (and a white enby), so i was kind of happier when niki showed up, but then she died within the hour to "commentate on misogyny in media". ranboo thought that he was commentating on misogyny by contributing to it. did they think this through at all. i would have LOVED if they did something special with niki and something powerful, but all that happened was she showed up, cried, then died and now ranboo fans are going "ranboo was so real for this!!!". ik niki had control over her characters writing but im sure ranboo was the one who decided when certain characters died and stuff.

also i hate to say this but the mask flashing to signify if he was in control or not was EXACTLY like a thing in the undertale fanfic (sfw im not weird) i wrote when i was 12 💀💀the characters eyes would flash when they were under control bc edgy. it was so weird watching genloss with that in the back of my mind 💀💀💀💀

in conlusion, genloss had so many flaws and so much easy fixes that it just feels so sososososososo rushed. another year in the oven wouldve been ok i think.

woah this is long im so sorry i do not think only type oops

- the i feel like i should label what kind of anon i am lmao anon

sorry before i get to anything else the undertale bit caught me so off guard omg.

anyways.

it wasnt like ranboo didnt expect the improv to last that long bc the expected runtimes (from their tumblr post on may 23rd i think) were sometimes longer than the actual ones. 1st ep was meant to be 1-2 hours, it was 1 and a half, so that much filler and standing around going "what the hell man" was PLANNED.

this!! the way the second stream just.. dragged was so rough.

the poc/women diversity discussion is something we had on the blog a bit ago as im sure you've seen so i don't have a ton to add but. yeah there were certainly choices that got made there.

very much enjoying all the essays getting dropped in here (even if i feel like my responses are weak sometimes lmao)

[steelycunt]

hi! 13 & 16 for a bit of haterism :)

was waiting for the license to hate...you're my hero..thank you..

13. what were your least favourite books of the year?

american psycho. fucking hated it. and i dont like to say i hate that book because i dont want people to think i object to it for lame reasons like the reprehensibility of patrick bateman or because i was surprised that a book called american psycho involved an american who was a psycho. i hated this book because it was so fucking boring. so boring. and i get the purpose of it being this boring i think the focus on detail and stuff and the presentation of the mind of a psychopath is deliberate and effective but! just because he spends 10 pages describing people's suits because hes a psychopath. does not make actually reading those 10 pages any more enjoyable. and this book was like 400 pages long. havent seen the film though i think id like that xx

been down so long it looks like up to me by richard farina. i gave this 0.5 stars sorry there was just nothing i liked about this i thought it was awful it was just not my sort of thing at all. booo.

notes from underground by dostoevsky. i think perhaps i was just too stupid for this book and maybe thats more a reflection on me...i am fine with that possibility. that sounds completely fair. but i did not enjoy this even slightly.

16. what is the most overhyped book you read this year?

i would also put this in the category of worst books i read this year but i need to talk about this in isolation and i think it is easily the most overhyped book ive read this year...one of the most overhyped books ive ever read...tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow gabrielle zevin was fucking awful omg. like. even now im still in shock about how bad this book was compared to how good people said it was and how well received it was. it feels like a big prank and im not joking. sometimes i dont enjoy books and i give them very low ratings but its more because i didnt enjoy them at all than because i genuinely think they are deeply badly written but this...this was terrible. this was a terrible book. i think maybe zevin is a bad writer. the characters were so so awful and cartoonish and insufferable i hated every single one of them and actively rooted for the destruction of them and all that they created. the plot was laughable. it was six thousand pages long. the last third it just incomprehensibly shite. it barely made sense. we were told absolutely everything and shown nothing. strong contender for just one of the worst books ive ever read. i could go on. did i mention it never fucking ended.

end of year book asks!!

[goremet-chef]

vent/rant

its so fucking ABSURD man. "whats with the attitude?" you want me to kill the mood even more? want me to say im depressed cuz my cat is dead and i didnt even realize that on the 21st, that would be the last time id ever see her again? is that what you fucking want?

its so NON EXISTANT to EVERYONE, it means fucking nothing to them!!! how could you care so little, just because we didnt live with her? she was the last remnant of my home. a home free of yelling and violence and blood, home where my friends live, home where i was safe and now shes gone, she was the last one. i thought i had longer with her, at least with riley i got to say goodbye properly

the same thing happened with domino, when i was younger. i felt so betrayed that they didnt even let me say bye to him, i feel a similar anger now.. but i live 2 hours away, there was no convenient way for them to let me do that. i think just..

the SUDDENNESS of the decision is what breaks my heart. she didnt know she wasnt gonna wake up ever again, she probably had no idea what was happening and its. its not like i wanted to see her die, the same way we watched riley get worse until we realized there was no saving him and he wasnt gonna get better, but.. was there really nothing we couldve done? nothing at all? was euthanasia the ONLY course of action? maybe we could have saved her, but its too late now. it doesnt matter anymore

im still kind of in denial, honestly.. it doesnt feel real. some part of me thinks it was a sick joke from my sibling. i know its not, i know its real, but with how everyones acting like it didnt happen at all, you couldnt blame me for feeling that way. part of me really hopes it was a joke but. i know if i ask ill just get confirmation that it wasnt

i wish i was there at least. that way i wouldnt be stuck in this limbo of thinking its not real. i know when riley was put down, id still go to my grandmas room and go to the living room at night somewhat hoping that he'd be there when i looked, but of course he never was. one time i was zoned out and i subconsciously reached over to pet him and feeling time stop when i froze and saw i was reaching for nothing, it hurt so fucking bad, it still hurts so fucking bad man. looking up and seeing the little box he was inside, it fucking sucks i hate this so much

i wish i was there, because at least my grandma gets it. those were her cats, have been for years. she always played it off like they werent because technically artemis and riley were OUR cats, but my mom lost her home and my grandma took us in when i was like.. 8 or 9. and she decided to go back and get them for us. im so grateful she did, because they wouldnt have lived as long as they had out there.

she gets it, because she loved them too. my mom didnt love them. my brother didnt love them. my older sister literally just completely abandoned and probably forgot about riley, who was HER cat. i remember he used to attack my feet from under the bed, when i was a little kid. the only one who came close to loving them like how we do was my oldest sibling, and even still he doesnt seem sad about it at all. like i know hes sad cuz he loved her but he rarely ever saw her, it was more like a passing claim of "oh, thats my cat", yknow?

my grandma gets it. i know she knows its really hard for me. it was so hard when domino was gone. when riley was sick, she tried to be lighthearted about it and even when i saw him for the last time, and we were both crying, she told me to say bye to him in kind of a goofy voice. i know she doesnt want to see me hurting like that, and it was kind of dreadful at the time, but im really glad she let me say goodbye to him, because it was a goodbye i meant. it wasnt "goodbye, see you later", it was the real one and i didnt get to give that to arty. i just said bye like normal, because i thought shed be okay! i thought whatever was wrong with her, we could fix. i cant believe it was so cut and dry

and i cant stand it here, they dont have and kind of sympathy, i think my mom doesnt even KNOW that i know. which means she just didnt plan on telling me at all. even my sibling was confused as to why she wouldnt have. its like they cant fathom why id be sad for more than a day or two, but i loved her! i fucking loved her, i loved all of them

i dont believe in the afterlife, but part of me wants to believe that they can at least know how much i miss them, how much i love them. its the only sort of comfort i have, even if i dont really believe it. i hope they can hear me cry and they know that its because i love them so fucking much and i want to see them again

it doesnt help that, exactly like when riley was put to sleep, im having dreams about her. dreams where shes dead, but im hallucinating her and i can see her again and im petting her and its so real.. shes there in my head and everyone around me tells me "its not real" but i dont even care! i dont care if its not real, because seeing her is enough. arty, i love you so much girl, im so fucking sorry we couldnt do anything. im sorry to riley too, and domino, and talcum. im sorry marceline, im sorry ellie. i know its not my fault, there was really just nothing we could do, but man i wish that wasnt true

they lived their whole lives with us, which is why its so crazy to me that most of my family doesnt really care. no one is gonna remember them, so ill drown myself in the grief just to honor their memory, because they deserve to be cried over. they deserve to be missed, to have someone who loves them after everything. their loss should be mourned, how could i think back on their whole lives and do anything but? i know people say "oh, remember the good times! they wouldnt want you to be sad" but the good times are gone. crying affirms the fact that i loved them and ill keep loving them until im dead too, because they deserve that

[creativebrainrot]

open journal entry

just writing about Brain Garbage i had to deal with today.

descriptions of abuse at the hands of my dickhead father. (not to be confused with My Dad who is a sweetheart that I would fight god for.)

TLDR: I am incapable of assuming that anyone who acts like they care about me or enjoys my company Actually Means It because I had Basic Human Social Ques weaponized against me for my first 16 years alive. I am currently incapable of believing that anyone genuinely cares when they're nice to me: They're ACTUALLY doing it out of pity/civility/jsut because they're a nice person/etc and Not because I am a friend that they care about. I am also incapable of assuming that anyone that enjoys my company considers me special in any regard.

like I still have to fight off dumb ass thoughts that if I disappeared tomorrow, no one would care. There's also the stupid little loopholes my brain will find like "even if they DID care, its because youre their friend and they "Should Care" and not because they, on their own, considered you, individually, special." because minds are, infact, Stupid, and Overrated. :)

im working on it.

i have literally no self perception what so ever. that's only slightly hyperbolic. If someone doesn't tell me what they think of me, my default is to assume that they like me in that moment. The second anyone stops talking to me for awhile, I assume it's because they're bored of me. That it's because they no longer like me. They'll be back in a week or two, or they'll be gone forever.

I know why this is my default of course. i've been isolated, for 21 years, in the middle of no where, with no friends- let alone real friends who care, until last December. my abuser. who would, when I was 13 and younger- actually he never stopped being like this. I stopped playing the game instead. He'd act "normal" (loving, listening to me, joking with me, caring about me, being a father,) for a week. then he'd reset. he'd be right back to acting cold, distant, like I was an annoyance, a nuisance. Unwanted. I would have no indication of this beforehand (thats how this bullshit worked, if id known, it wouldnt have been abuse.) He ambushed me with being fed up of me, wanting to play and talk with my father, like a child WOULD want, all the time. it was always either very insidious words he could pass off as an "accident" or him "misspeaking" or legitimately, straight up, brushing me off. his autistic, loving child, who took that shit VERY personally, every time. I wanted, and i needed, routine. I still need routine to be happy. I know for a fact he used that against me when he lived with us. There was another thing he'd do to me. I'd read all the social ques he set up, and understand all the things he said, but when I later assumed I'd known right, he would flip around and say he never said that. he never meant that. and always imply that I was stupid for thinking I'd understood his Exact Words correctly. obviously, this was more abuse, and he was just lying. because he could. to trip me up. to make me doubt myself. it resulted in me never listening to a fucking word he said. Aswell as the lingering issues of me, still assuming, that I cannot read people. That people who act like they enjoy my company are simply being civil. Or that they do enjoy my company, but it wont last. They'll get bored of me eventually and then I'll never hear from them again. Or i'll hear from them again a week or two later. I know it's all nonsense- That it's all just, residual effects from my abusive childhood. That I'll unlearn it eventually.

But I cannot put into words how frustrating it is to be having an okay or fine time and then be blindsided by how desperate and lonely I was trained to be by a manipulative piece of shit who never loved me. Lied to my fucking face- his goddamn child, every day of my life while he was in it.

To be blindsided by how insecure I was made to be. The self-hatred I feel for things that are not my fault is so goddamn, suffocating. It's not my fault I'm desperate for attention; I was deprived of genuine love and attention for 20 fucking years. Sure I had my dad that whole time but one parent cant, and shouldnt be expected, to make up for an abusive parent. My dad is the reason I'm even alive right now. He's the only reason I never acted on any of my suicidal thoughts. But he couldn't fix the abuse that piece of shit inflicted on us both. It's not my fault I feel worthless and unwanted; I spent the first two decade of my life being told through implications that I WAS a nuisance and unwanted and worthless. It's not my fault I'm so fucking lonely when he chose somewhere in the middle of nowhere with no my age around, with no school nearby I could walk to- somewhere with only military families that would leave in a few months or retired people who dont fucking want to talk to anyone else and sure as hell dont make for good friends for my queer gen z ass. Let alone that we're in the south, and I am nonbinary.

None of it is my fault. I want to unlearn it.

I just want to believe that i am special to someone. You don't know how tired I am of the voices in my mind telling me that I will never be wanted, or loved, or needed, or missed when I'm not around.

How tired I am of being genuinely incapable of believing that I have any value to anyone alive, unable to believe that anyone would care if I was gone tomorrow.

I am exhausted. I am so tired, of believing that I am unwanted, that I am pathetic, that I am worthless, that I will never be remembered when I'm not in the room or around.

I just want to unlearn it all and move on with my life.

Very slowly, I am.

There's brighter days ahead. I've held onto hope for so long it's starting to hurt. I want it to be over and done with already- all of it. The move out of this wretched house that always felt like a prison, unlearning these nasty lies that were implanted in my mind to make me vulnerable to more abuse, the poverty, which is also the result of residual abusive actions. I can't tell you how many times my dad saved that idiot from making us homeless.

I know that these nasty lies are just that; lies. I know that I'll get a chance to truly feel like my friends and loved ones care. I know that I'll be able to put all this behind me someday soon and never look back.

in the meantime I am so sick of the thoughts in my mind rendering me incapable of believing that my friends genuinely like me. So tired of it actually hurting, to even think of letting myself believe that they care. Every single last time I let myself believe that someone cared, I got hurt. But that "someone" was the same person, every time. The people in my life now, are not that man. Infact they've been kinder to me and shown more care for me than he ever genuinely did in the 21 years I had with him in my life. That's not even remotely hyperbolic.

idk man, brain shit is annoying and bullshit and BOY do I want my mind to shut the fuck up again and let me live.

[drunktuesdays]

I posted 1,990 times in 2022

That's 985 more posts than 2021!

254 posts created (13%)

1,736 posts reblogged (87%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@theroseandthebeast

@orange-catsidy

@thevaudevillescene

@kissing-monsters

@dykecassidy

I tagged 1,885 of my posts in 2022

Only 5% of my posts had no tags

#wrestling - 666 posts

#i know that's right - 110 posts

#asks - 61 posts

#matt jackson - 60 posts

#i know that’s right - 56 posts

#correct - 37 posts

#my work - 30 posts

#that's right - 26 posts

#dustin - 26 posts

#alpha4alpha - 24 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#and buck's so stressed and urgent about being like i don't want to test my couch out. i know what i want. i just want the couch to want me

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

unfortunately real shit

334 notes - Posted September 11, 2022

#4

THE MEDICINE IS NOT WORKING BUT I AM STILL HERE.

395 notes - Posted October 12, 2022

#3

Why I Am Not Coming Into Work Today

Dear employers,

I will have to take the day off today because:

☐ It’s December and the streets are papier-mached with wet bronze leaves and it’s so dark outside that the cars have their headlights on at 3pm

☐ I have recently been through a breakup, or I have been through a breakup at any time in my life really, and I woke up today with the absolute conviction that I will never be loved again

☐ A dog looked at me

☐ I got a text from someone for whom I feel a mix of concern and frustration and recognition and longing that is both more and less than romance

☐ Someone made a joke about dead pets meeting you in heaven

☐ Daylight savings time

☐ I passed a knot of flowers that were so bright they glowed through the dim grey water of the day and when was anything in my life last that luminous?

☐ Girls are too pretty

☐ For the first time I genuinely comprehend that there is not enough time to have all the lives I wanted

☐ I accidentally listened to Leonard Cohen

-"Why I Am Not Coming Into Work Today" by Jess Zimmerman

597 notes - Posted December 5, 2022

#2

i love when fanfictions make men cry. it's like, one of the most important things anyone's ever doing. i'm currently reading a fic where the on-screen men are either fucking or they're absolutely weeping. just sobbing their stupid brains out. i'm scrolling through it SO happily like, thank u. thank you for your hard work, author. people might not like to admit it but this is peak performance. if men aren't sucking, fucking, or sobbing then i don't even wanna see it. dry eyes? dry pussy

834 notes - Posted August 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

everyone is fucking but no one is horny

one of my twitter friends recently said that if she could order up a fic it would be a story written by someone who has only ever read the classics, 1.5 star trek novelizations, and their mother's romance novels from 1970, written about two people are so out of their minds horny for each other it causes them to make the absolute worst choices anyone's ever made.

and i almost lost my mind laughing because i do know exactly what she means. there is a weird vibe i can sometimes sense within the first few paragraphs a fic that really bums me out. it's almost like i can tell the author is thinking way too much about what i'm thinking about their id and it's suddenly like we're all suddenly wondering how riding a bicycle works when we're mid-ride. when you start worrying too much audience interpretation or how a fic is going to do or play or ugh marketability, it genuinely adds some weird self-conscious distance to whatever you're doing. and it's the pits from the reader side because it removes so much horniness from your story even if the idea you have is genuinely good! i know this is not a niche complaint--you find it literally everywhere as every sector of the creative internet gets #content-ed and people can't escape the stats of how any given creative outlet does.

but god there's literally nothing better than sitting down and reading some freaknasty person's art where they do not give a single shit if you like it. they had something to say and my god they were gonna say it. i've accidentally acquired so many kinks by clicking on a story where someone took me on the most insane ride of my life and i thrilled about it. i don't wanna read about polite normal regular love. i don't wanna read about people using therapy-speak on each other. i wanna read about two people feeling the biggest craziest feelings of their entire life and they cannot do anything about it except bang it out. what else are we doing here? if they're not fucking down an entire house, well jed i don't even wanna read it.

3,899 notes - Posted November 29, 2022

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