#the last 2 clinics I’ve done rotations at have liked me so much they put offers on the table even though they knew I had something lined up

[babygirlwolverine]

had a casual lil interview today and got to dress up a lil pretty in a dress and cowboy boots (which the doctor said he loved my texan cowboy boots vibes) instead of my daily scrubs and it made me very happy 🩵

[aelaer]

The Blood in My Veins: Pt 4

Heyyyy I'm back. Now that one of my big fic projects is done/being rolled out I can concentrate on getting this finished (as well as other prompts). Here are the earlier parts if you can't remember what happened in this long-running prompt fic, since my last update was like, the summer.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Prompt (via @ironstrangeprompts that I can’t tag for whatever reason qq): Kidnapped to play doctor for a still unseen other prisoner; Stephen realizes there is only one person on the planet who would have palladium in their blood.

The Warnings: Okay guys, I want to cover all bases for this part and all parts henceforth. The bad guy I've written here really really sucks. He's a complete asshole. Part of his assholeness can include behaviors such as racism, sexism, homophobic remarks, religious bigotry, and overall just being a terrible human being. This terrible human being is not a typical representative of his nation/culture and is very thankfully fictional. There's plenty of Canon-Typical Violence around, too. All of the above are not be in this specific part but could be in future parts (I'm writing this as I go so I truly don't know, I just know he’s a dickwad). I didn't know this section was gonna happen until I finished Part 2, for instance, otherwise I'd have put a note at the beginning. I'd consider the fic a heavy teen fic, if you're looking for a rating, so it shouldn't get to graphical violence beyond what you'd see in high teen rated content. Also, there's going to be Medical Procedures in the future, though more clinical rather than graphic. Hopefully that covers everything, please ask me anything if you have a question.

I always put these longer writings on tumblr into "read more" cuts, but the mobile app does not always work correctly if you're looking at the original post from my tumblr, so I apologise for the length if you're on the app and viewing the original and said cut is not working. Still unbetaed, all errors are mine.

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Part Four: Seeing Red Again

Another three days passed with little change in Stephen’s schedule. He went for his sleep shift at 12:30 a.m. New York time, and was woken up by one of the others between 5:20 to 5:30 a.m. It wasn't enough time for even two full complete sleep cycles, but everyone there—perhaps with exception to Steffen Baar, who was a chemist—had gone through grueling schedules during medical school and residency. So they were, in some ways, used to it.

After waking up, he had fifteen minutes to shower, shave, and change into the clothing about his size, provided for by his captors. From there, he then got to work. His sleep shift ended about three hours before dinner came—about 8:30 a.m. New York time—and a small snack arrived at what he assumed was this place's midnight, but was 2 p.m. according to his watch. Breakfast came twelve hours after dinner, at 8:30 p.m. in New York, and he went to bed again half an hour after midnight. Apparently while he slept, another snack break came for those awake.

The one small blessing in all of this was that the people holding them realized the power of caffeine and provided black tea and coffee every time they brought them food. He didn't think there were any cameras in the showers or toilets, either, which was—hopefully true. There was nothing obvious and, truth be told, he didn't really want to look much further for evidence.

Throughout his waking day, Stephen largely helped prep samples for blood analysis. He tried to strategize with Summer about how to best utilize their resources, should a surgery be required, but they had little to go on. They had yet to receive better X-rays of their patient—of Tony Stark, which still baffled Stephen—so much of their planning was about logistics.

"Doctors in the United States are required to complete a surgical rotation in their third year of med school," Stephen said, "so Jada will know basic surgical procedures. Do you need to do the same in the UK?"

"Yes," Summer answered. "All doctors go through the two-year Foundation Programme which always includes training in general surgery. So Dr Mahajan will be able to assist us as well."

"They can serve as our nurses and techs," Stephen muttered. "But what about Dr Baar?"

Summer pursed her lips together. "No medical training—but I would rather have him on hand than not. If we said we can't use him…"

Stephen grimaced and nodded. "Point. He can certainly hold a retractor." He blew out a breath. "We'll need a heart-lung machine. Those aren't easy to come by."

"None of this machinery is," she pointed out, jutting her chin to the advanced machinery scattered around the room. "I don't think that will be an issue for us. Whoever these people are, they have resources."

He pursed his lips together. "We also need an anesthesiologist."

She paused at that and sighed. "Yes. Yes, we need one of those. Unfortunately, I think we're going to be working with someone on their team if the surgery happens."

Stephen made a face. "What makes you think that?"

"When they first showed me the X-rays, I told them I would need another surgeon for the spinal area—you—and an anesthesiologist. They only spoke about finding me a surgeon, so they must have their own medical team that includes one."

He sighed. "Of course they do. He better be competent."

Summer shrugged. "Not much we can do about it. And there's not much more we can plan on this hypothetical surgery until I have better X-rays."

And so that ended that discussion and, three days later, there were no changes on that end. No new X-rays had come in, so both he and the other surgeon were stuck helping prepare samples and input data. And Stephen hadn't been so bored in years.

One wouldn't think that being captive would be boring, especially if one was doing medical work during that time. But when said medical work was repetitive lab work he hadn't done since med school? And doing it for about fifteen hours a day for three days straight with no music, no reading, no nothing to help bring some distraction or variety to his work? It was absolutely mind-numbing. A small part of him wasn't entirely sure if he could survive like this for—how long did Jada said Stark had to live without a cure or intervention? Two months? He couldn't do this for two months. He was going out of his mind after three days.

It was about halfway through his shift on the fourth day that he regretted ever thinking that he was bored.

He was typing up results from various tests performed by Jada when the door to the room was suddenly slammed open. Startled, Stephen immediately turned towards the sound, only to see five men enter, all of them with guns pointed to the rest of the room. Beside him, Jada immediately threw her hands on top of her head, and he quickly followed suit.

"Come quietly! Do not fight!" said one of the men. Stephen couldn't even begin to guess his accent; maybe it was Eastern European? Russian? Former Soviet bloc in Asia? Somewhere in that rather wide region of the world, which wasn't particularly helpful information considering there were some twenty to thirty countries there.

Summer was the doctor currently asleep, though looking over his shoulder, Stephen saw that she had woken up to the sound and was pushing herself up. But he couldn't look at her or the other doctors long as he was grabbed by one of the men and forced to walk. The gun the man carried quickly negated any ideas of retaliation.

They were led down a hall; he could see Steffen, Meera, and Jada in front of him, all being led in the same rough manner he was going through. The walk itself wasn't very long, perhaps a minute, but to Stephen it felt like every second was dragging. Despite his best efforts, his heart was starting to race at this new development.

The man with Steffen finally stopped in front of a door and unlocked it, then shoved the chemist inside. Within seconds, Stephen was at the door and being pushed forward himself. He took a quick look around, as much as he could without moving much: a large room with concrete walls and no windows, just like where he and the other doctors were being kept. Cot in the corner. Table with a computer and covered in bits of wires and electronics that he couldn't begin to label. Two other men armed with enormous guns—some sort of automatic rifles—and then one man who was crossing his arms and staring at him and his fellow doctors with a look that immediately put Stephen on edge. This man, this man radiated the air of a person in charge.

And then there was him. The famous Tony Stark, or Iron Man as he was calling himself these days. He looked like a former shadow of himself, being several pounds thinner and bearing a sickly pallor that Stephen immediately noticed, even during these circumstances.

A look of surprise was upon Stark's hollow face, but even as Stephen focused more upon him, it was quickly replaced by the cool anger of a man biting his tongue.

All five doctors were maneuvered to face Stark in a line before being forced to their knees. Stephen bit his lip to hold back a grunt of pain from his knees hitting the concrete floor.

"You say you are 'calling my bluff' with your medical team," said the man. He pushed himself off the wall and passed out of Stephen's line of sight. "Here they are." He started at Stephen's right as he went through the doctors. "Steffen Baar, chemist." A step closer. "Jada Ferguson, hematologist." Another step, and he heard Doctor Mahajan inhale sharply. "Meera Mahajan, pathologist."

Another step, and the man was behind him. To Stephen's utter horror, he felt cold metal press against the back of his head. "Stephen Strange, neurosurgeon." The metal then left his head and he heard another step. "Summer Weston, cardiothoracic surgeon." Another step, and he could see the man in the corner of his eye again, this time on his left.

Tony Stark kept his lips pressed in a tight line as their captor went through the line. When he finished, the billionaire swallowed and looked at them all. "Good job keeping me alive this long, docs," he said.

"Not good enough, Stark," the man snapped. "Their solution is only a band aid. They give you but a few more weeks. They are called the best doctors in the world, and they cannot yet make a cure?"

Stephen forcefully held back his retort regarding the man's utter ignorance. It was an outright miracle they found any sort of solution as quickly as they did to delay the spread!

Stark, it seemed, agreed with him, and had no such reservations with holding back. "That's insane, Yusifov. It takes teams of doctors months, if not years to create what you're looking for."

He couldn't see it, but Stephen could almost feel the sneer from their captor, this Yusifov. "In that case, you don't need this many doctors, do you?" A couple steps and he was again behind Stephen, further to the right. "I'm no doctor, but as far as I can tell, these two both look at blood and try to fix the problem. Neither of them fixed it, not fully. So who do you want to keep, Stark? The black American or the Indian Brit? One less woman won't make a difference."

Stephen dared a glance to his right when he heard quick breathing. Doctor Mahajan was visibly shaking and starting to hyperventilate; to her right, Doctor Ferguson was quiet, but her lips trembled and tears pricked her eyes.

Stark stepped forward, and several guns rose at the action. He stopped but held his ground, raising his hands. "Don't do this."

"Why not?" the man retorted. "You refuse to work because you are dying. They have failed you and one will pay the price. Perhaps both; they are both from lesser races."

As Stephen processed the fact that he heard a comment like that in fucking 2010, Doctor Mahajan's breathing accelerated into full on hyperventilation. His medical mind noticed it immediately.

But another was quicker to the draw. "Breathe through your nose, Meera," Summer said lowly. "Try to inhale for one-one thousand, then exhale through pursed lips. You can—"

"Shut up!"

Doctor Weston was smacked on the back of her head hard enough to send her sprawling to the floor.

And Stephen snapped.

Now, if one were to ask Doctor Stephen Strange, he would by no means consider himself heroic or noble. His role as a doctor was one of service, but even within his relatively short time as a neurosurgeon, he had already gained a prestige that recognized his rising star and already people in the medical community were considering him in the top ranks of neurosurgeons. Soon, demand for his expertise would be large enough for him to have the option to turn away those who weren't worth his time, and he felt not a lick of guilt for that. His skills were valuable.

But to hear this brute of a man first throw slurs at two of the most brilliant women—no, the most brilliant doctors—in their fields followed by an outright assault on the other caused a protectiveness Stephen hadn't felt since his sister's death to completely overtake him. He saw red.

He leaped up at Yusifov in a fiery anger, no particular idea in mind except stop him from hurting anyone rushing through his head. At this point there was little thought, only adrenaline and a near primal fury running through his veins. It wasn't like him to be so hot-headed; he was a man who kept his cool under the most stressful of circumstances. But perhaps several days of poor sleep combined with the stress of the situation finally got to him. When he thought about it in the aftermath, even he would admit he had no idea what he was thinking.

It was a spur-of-the-moment decision he would come to regret.

In one moment he managed to knock the pistol out of Yusifov's hands and punched him in the face. He recognized screaming, shouting, fighting in the noises behind him, but he was focused on his own target.

Stephen hit him twice more before someone threw an arm around his neck and dragged him back and began to choke him. He clawed at the arm, which did nothing, but then he aimed his heel down right to the sensitive part of his attacker's instep. The man grunted in pain and the grip around his neck loosened. 

A shot shattered through the enclosed space, causing Stephen to freeze in surprise—and that proved to be his downfall. He saw Yusifov raising his pistol just before he was whipped across the face with the weapon. The hit threw him off balance and he fell to the floor and lay there for a second, stunned. He felt wetness on the side of his head.

As Stephen attempted to push himself up, a kick to his back sent him back to the floor. An involuntary grunt of pain escaped him. He closed his eyes, pausing for breath, but was given little time to recover as he was grabbed by both arms and dragged up to his knees. From his new position, he could see the rest of the room once more, and Stephen's heart skipped a beat at what was before him.

There were several alarming sights: Tony Stark on his knees just like him, nose bloodied. One of the gunmen near Stark with a screwdriver sticking in his neck and very much dead. Summer in the corner of the room, holding a shaking Meera against her chest.

And Doctor Steffen Baar on the ground, bleeding out from his stomach as Jada desperately tried to stem the blood flow with her sweater. The red dripped through the fabric and onto the concrete.

Stephen felt ill. He instinctively reached forward towards Steffen, to try and help, but the grip on his arms tightened and kept him in place.

Stark was the one to speak first. "Let them help him. I won't fight further. I'll do what you ask."

Yusifov came back into Stephen's line of sight as he stepped in front of him, though his gaze was on Stark. He said to the engineer, "You killed one of my men. A life for a life—that is fair, wouldn't you say?"

"He did nothing," Stark hissed, pulling against the hands that held him down. Stephen could see the men pull him back and tighten their grip in response. "And he's needed. You wouldn't have brought him here otherwise."

"He didn't do anything," Yusifov agreed, then turned to Stephen. "This one did." He then sent a sharp kick into Stephen's stomach, causing him to double over in pain as far as the men holding him  allowed. He almost missed the next statement. "And I should kill him for it. But the surgeon will be needed. The chemist, though? He failed to make a cure for your ailment with a month of time, and you don't have much longer to live, Stark. The chemist failed, and at this point, he's a waste of medical resources."

Then Yusifov nodded at one of his men, and he grabbed Jada by the arm and yanked her up to her feet.

"No—please, no, don't do this!" she shouted as she was dragged away from Steffen. Their captors ignored her and Yusifov walked up to the wounded man. He aimed his pistol at Steffen's head.

"Don't do this!" Stark shouted.

A shot rang through the room. A loud sob came from the corner before it was muffled. Stephen's ears rang, half deafened from the sound. His stomach churned; he felt like he was going to vomit. He hung his head and closed his eyes, trying to breathe slow breaths through his nose.

All he could smell was blood. He forcefully suppressed his gag reflex. 

Stephen missed whatever conversation came next, too busy trying to calm his breathing, trying not to throw up, and not having the energy to make out the words beyond the ringing in his ears. But then the world was moving as he was pulled to his feet and shoved out of the room, leaving behind Tony Stark and the body of Doctor Steffen Baar.

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I was stuck on what I wanted to do with this part with a handful of ideas and consulted my beta for ideas. She suggested death which I wasn't even thinking of because I'm very bad at killing off characters. I blame her fully :P

Tag list (just let me know if you want to be added/removed with a comment - still not on AO3!): @sobeautifullyobsessed, @tashacumberbitch, @babywarg, @nishtha3012, @ragingstillness, @walkin-in-the-cosmos (I think the reason I can’t tag you is because you’ve flagged your tumblr for sensitive media, possibly), @lafourmii20, @asexualchemist, @iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife, @oo0-will-of-the-wisp-0oo, @animefanfreak45, @rulerofthefandomsnow, @killaspyglass, @renlybaratheon-tyrell, @symmetria42, @kay-lock-key-lock

[thesaltyoncologist]

I’m depressed.

It’s kind of nice to put a name on it and put it out there in the world. But, truthfully, this isn’t anything new. I’ve been this way for a while now--at least for most of the last year. This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments where I’m happy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t smile. It definitely doesn’t mean that I’m suicidal, though if I’m truly being honest there were some dark days in the depth of winter where suicidal ideations did pass through my brain on occasion. It’s kind of like being just able to keep my head above water. In general, I can breath. But every now and then a wave hits me in the face and I snort down a big lungful of water feel like I’m drowning. It’s starting to be ...a thing. I don’t like it. 

There are a number of reasons I’m unhappy. Some of them I can change; others are just how things are going to be, at least for a little while.

(1) Location. I hate it here. Truly. I don’t vibe with NE culture. In general, I find the people to be abrupt and with a complete lack of manners. The cost of living is ridiculous. I dislike the traffic. I don’t feel especially safe. And, probably most importantly, it’s far away from my family and friends. Not a whole lot I can do about this until I graduate.

(2) Lack of self-confidence. My self-confidence has been in the toilet for a while now. I think there are two main reason. First, I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight since medical school. I started medical school in the upper 170s. I started residency in the 200s. I started fellowship in the 250s. Not a good look. Now depression has burned some of that weight off of me, but I’m very much an eat-your-feelings kinda guy. I’m currently in the 240s and feel really fucking gross. Second, I’ve lost a lot of muscle definition to the chub. I’ve quit being active. No more running. No more hiking. No more weight lifting. Fuck, it’s even been a while since I went on something as simple as a walk. A lot of that is because everything is harder and requires more effort while carrying around a good 50-60 lbs of extra weight. I can’t fix my self confidence, but I can fix what I dislike about my appearance. 

(3) Relationships. I don’t know a lot of people in this city. My life revolves around work, and the only people I really interacted with on a daily basis were my cofellows, attendings, the nursing staff, and my roommates. Covid has tightened my social circle even more so that I rarely am allowed in the same room as my cofellows, attendings, and nurses. I have little interest in a romantic relationship at this point, but it’d be nice to have a few friends. 

(4) Burnout. First year of fellowship broke me. I was probably already close to the breaking point after finishing residency, but fellowship has been one gigantic kick in the ass. I never thought it was possible to work as many hours in the past year and yet still feel so completely and utterly stupid. I’m so sick of working all the time--weekends, nights, holidays. It’s been a grind. Now hopefully this part will get better in a little over a week, when I finish my last required inpatient rotation. I’ll be done with call. I’ll start protected research time. I’ll start subspecialty clinics. 

[shakespeareanwannabe]

Play by Play

Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia x F!OC/Santiago Garcia x Rebecca Cooke

Summary:  Santi gets in way too deep with this woman that he barely knows, but finds that sometimes a leap of faith can be worth it.

Warnings: References to parental issues, age gap in a relationship (both participants are well over the age of consent), child abuse/child trauma, misogyny, swearing, PTSD, low self-esteem

A/N: Hi everyone! So, I started writing this story way out of order. Started with Protective Instincts, jumped to Best Laid Plans, went backwards to Strange Comforts, then came all the way back to the beginning with New Beginnings. But that’s because I was just writing them as they came to me (or, if I’m being honest, as @darksideofclarke provided me with golden headcanons that I just expanded on). But now, I’ve sat down and written a general plan for this multichapter story that is turning out to be so astoundingly different from everything else I’ve ever written. 

So, I’ll be posting in chronological order now, and I’ll make an announcement here in the A/N about where Protective Instincts, Strange Comforts, and Best Laid Plans fit into the whole scheme of things.

Anyway, here’s chapter 2!

                                                 **********

“Hey Jackie,” Santi greeted as he strolled through the front door of the clinic.

“Evening, Santiago. How’re you?” the red headed receptionist replied with a smile, looking up briefly before resuming her typing.

“Same old, same old,” he replied, eyes scanning the clinic. “How’re John and the kids?”

She smiled brightly at him. “Lorelai got accepted to Clemson with a scholarship!”

“That’s amazing, you must be so proud,” he replied, turning his attention back to her when he didn’t find who he was looking for.

“Why is Jackie proud?”

He smiled and felt his face heat up as he turned to face Rebecca, who was just slightly limping through the front door. She was dressed in her usual artfully professional work attire and toting a gym bag that was undoubtedly stuffed with her workout clothes.

“Hey Bex,” he greeted as he slid over to her. “Want some help with that?”

“Ugh, please,” she whined. “I spent the day running after three kindergarten classes, and my hip and back are aching.”

Santi relieved her of the bag and offered her his elbow, a slight tremor running up his spine as she leaned into him.

Three months. That’s how long he’d been going to physiotherapy with Steve. It also happened to be exactly how long he’d been working up the courage to ask Rebecca out.

That first day they met, he’d assumed it was the same kind of visceral reaction he’d had with other women in the past. She was stunningly beautiful, sarcastic, and witty. In other words, just his type. But he wasn’t looking for anything at that moment. He’d just gotten out of a year of trying the domestic thing with Yovanna, and it had crashed and burned spectacularly. He had a new home; he had his friends surrounding him once more. He was good. He was solid. He decided then and there not to do anything to screw up the upward trajectory he was on. That, plus he didn’t want to make things awkward for Charlie, who had a business to run.

So, he’d ignored it. Pushed down the desire to engage and romance, and focused instead on trying to get his knees back under him. But then, their appointment times had lined up and they spent their entire sessions chatting with each other and sassing Charlie. Then it happened again. And again. And, before long, Santi found himself listening in on Rebecca when she booked her appointment times with Charlie so he could book the same slots with Steve.

Three times a week for three months, he spent two hours talking and laughing with this resilient, funny, and kind woman.

That first week had been the introductory stuff.

                                                **********

“So, what are you in for?” she asked, a sly grin on her face.

He grimaced. “Does a lifetime of poor choices count?”

She snorted, burying her face in her arms in an attempt to hide her embarrassment at the unladylike sound. “I’m pretty sure that’s why most of us are here.”

He nodded slowly in acquiescence. “Even you?”

She sighed as she settled further into her table, the heat from the heating pad soothing her sore muscles. “I got into a bad car wreck seven months ago. Idiot driver T-boned me when I was on my way back to work from an in-school art class. Fractured my hip, got a nasty concussion, and a wicked case of whiplash. I got lucky when the concussion symptoms stopped after a few weeks, but I had to come here to get my butt kicked to fix my hip and neck.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. Being military, it was sometimes easy to forget that the civilians they were trying so desperately to protect could also be taken down by something as simple as crossing the street or taking a drive.

Rebecca leaned herself up on her elbows to fix him with a thoughtful look. “You know what? You’re the first person to say that to me.”

“Seriously?”

She nodded slowly as she relaxed back into the pillow beneath her. “My mom took the ‘Woe is me, my poor baby is hurt’ route and the doctors were more concerned with making sure I was physically okay than checking in on my emotional state. So, thank you for that.”

He shrugged as easily as he could lying down. “My buddy Will always says that sometimes the best thing you can offer someone are words, so they know you’re there.”

“Will sounds like a smart guy. How’d you two meet?”

“We were put into the same squad in the military. Worked together for years.”

“Ah, I shoulda guessed you were military,” she groaned as she shifted slightly, moving quickly to catch the heating pad before it slipped. “You’ve got that kinda look.”

“You mean the beat to shit look?” he sighed, turning his head away from her to stare at the ceiling fan rotating slowly above him.

A poke in the arm startled his attention back to her. She had strained herself across the gap between the tables, barely able to poke his arm with her middle finger without sliding off.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she replied gently. “I just meant that you look like the kind of guy who has seen too much bad in this world. Which isn’t fair. Nobody should have to carry that kind of burden.” Santi struggled to swallow; his emotions all caught up in his throat and his skin tingling from the slight brush of her finger against his arm. “I’m not gonna say ‘thank you for your service’, because I feel like that’s just an empty platitude at this point. But I will say that I hope you find a way to make that burden just a little lighter.”

He looked over at her again and smiled. “Thank you.”

                                              **********

Okay, so the introductory stuff got heavier than Santi anticipated. Parental problems, traumatic events, talk of his service. He was in heavy with this girl and he didn’t even know her last name.

That came in week two.

                                              **********

“Basketball or baseball?”

“Baseball. Same question.”

“Baseball. Hockey or football?”

“Football. Same question.”

“Hockey. Cats or dogs?” Rebecca grunted as she kicked her leg out, struggling against the sliding weights attached to her injured leg by a cuff and a cord.

“Dogs. Same question to you,” Santi replied, voice distorted as he squatted on the FitVibe.

“Dogs. You know, you can’t just say ‘same question’ every time it’s your turn. It kind of defeats the purpose of the game,” she gasped as she finished her first set, twisting around to grab her water bottle from the chair behind her.

Santi shrugged as the machine stopped vibrating, giving him 90 seconds to rest before his next set started.

“Did you have a dog growing up?” he questioned as he sipped from his own bottle.

She nodded as she gulped down her icy water, Santi trying and failing to keep his eyes off her delicate neck and chest, which were gleaming with a sheen of sweat. “A St. Bernard. Cookie. I loved that dog, but I hated his name. I mean, really? Cookie Cooke? What were my parents thinking?”

Santi chuckled as his machine began counting down to start the next set. “Probably that it was cute? Who knows? Your turn…” He grunted as he carefully squatted as the pad began to shake again. He closed his eyes against the twinge of pain and missed Rebecca blatantly staring at his ass before beginning her next set.

“Star Wars or Star Trek?”

“Star Wars. Books or movies?”

“Both. Goonies or Stand by Me?”

“Can’t go wrong with Goonies.”

“Ugh, and here I was just thinking that you had good taste! Who in their right mind picks Goonies over Stand by Me?” she teased.

He shot her a glance out of the corner of his eye. Even blurry from the vibrations coursing through his body, she was the prettiest girl he’d seen in a long time.

“Never said I was in my right mind, sweetheart,” he winked and that giggle that he was so enchanted by escaped her lips again.

                                              **********

Week three was when he really tried to pump the breaks on his rapidly developing feelings for her. Not only had Yovanna sent him a box of his stuff via airmail, but he became privy to some information that assured him that this thing between them would never work.

                                              **********

“Don’t tell me you’re done already!” he called from the Kin-Com as Rebecca practically skipped over to the table closest to him. She had her good days and her bad days with her injured leg, and Santi liked chatting with her the past nine days, but he loved chatting with her on her good days. There was this spark, this energy she radiated when she was feeling good that he just wanted to bathe in.

“This is what you get for showing up late, Santi! You’re strapped into the death machine and I get a massage to wrap things up.” She shot him a bright smile before lying down on the table, just out of his range of sight thanks to the half partition wall that separated the machine from the rest of the clinic.

“Don’t tease the old man, Rebecca,” Charlie cautioned in a faux-mocking tone.

“Hey, if I’m an old man, what does that make you? Frankie is two months older than me!” he pointed out, pressing against the mechanical arm that was slowly manipulating his leg.

“Apparently the term is ‘panther’,” she replied, straight-faced. “Learned that one at ladies’ night after one of my friends had a few too many and found out Frankie’s 10 years older than me. Me, I call it lucky.”

“Yeah, you better,” he warned as the machine stopped moving. A quick look at the computer screen told him he had finished his set for the day, and he quickly unstrapped himself and hopped down, walking slightly creakily to the table next to where Charlie was carefully massaging and manipulating Rebecca’s hip.

“Your fiancé’s ten years older than you, Chuck?” Rebecca asked, her eyes closed as she tried to relax her aching joints.

Charlie shot Santi an unamused glare as he lowered himself onto the table and laid back, Steve approaching with the cryo-cuffs and ice machine.

“Yeah, Frankie’s 40 and I’m 30. Why?” she asked, an accusation hiding deep in her voice as her body tensed up.

Inwardly, Santi was nodding approvingly. Frankie sometimes got too in his own head about his age, especially in relation to his fiancée’s, and Santi knew how much Frankie doubted himself when it came to their relationship. Charlie was a successful business owner and college graduate. Frankie was a retired soldier who almost lost his pilot’s license because he’d been desperate for money when his girlfriend got pregnant and knew just how lucrative drug running could be. It wasn’t difficult to see why Frankie felt so insecure about the relationship, but Charlie was so good at getting him out of that headspace, and even better about shutting down anyone who had anything negative to say about her man.

“Nothing!” Rebecca was quick to reply. “I was just curious. Age is just a number, right? Besides, I saw you two together when he came to pick you up that one time, remember? You two are cute as hell. He just doesn’t look 40.” Rebecca rolled her head to look at Santi, and he felt his own hackles raise a little, suddenly self-conscious of his greying hair and his weak knees. Then, she smiled softly at him and, if he wasn’t fooling himself, a warm affection infused her gaze. “Neither do you.”

He felt all the blood rush to his face and once again had to bat down the idea of asking her out. A box full of old mail and knickknacks had just arrived on his porch that morning from Australia. Domesticity didn’t work for him, and even casually seeing someone felt like too much of an effort. Still, there was something about that look in her eyes, the easy repartee they had going on, the support they gave each other during their workouts, that told him that, if he was going to try again, she was the one to try with.

“Hey Becky!” a loud voice boomed across the clinic. “Where you at?”

Rebecca smiled apologetically at him and Charlie before raising her voice just a little to call back, “I’m over here!” She turned her attention back to them, looking almost sadly at Santi as she said, “Sorry guys, that’s my date for tonight.”

A tall guy sauntered over from the reception desk and Santi felt himself reacting instinctively.

He was tall, well over 6 foot, and wearing a fancy, well-fitted navy suit with a white button down underneath, no tie and the first two buttons undone.

“Ah, there’s my girl!” he leaned down and gave her a claiming kiss, almost like he knew that Santi was watching.

“Uh, hi Derek. I thought you were going to wait outside?” she asked, looking away from them all as she raised a hand to her cheek.

“I was, doll, but I’ve been out there for twenty minutes. Our reservation is set for 7:30, and it takes ten minutes to drive out there, so go get yourself cute and let’s go.”

“Uh…” Rebecca looked between Santi and Charlie while worrying her bottom lip between her teeth.

Santi had never wanted so badly to punch someone he hadn’t even officially met. He wanted to speak up, tell Derek that Rebecca was already cute in her leggings and off-the-shoulder t-shirt. Tell him that he can’t just barge in and interrupt an appointment in a place of business.

Charlie leaned into his line of sight and subtly shook her head and, deep down, he knew she was right. If he punched him, or called him out, he would be just as bad. Plus, what right did he have? He’d spent a few hours with this woman and had zero claim on her time or her attention.

“It’s okay, Rebecca. We’re done for today anyway. You can use the staff bathroom to wash up if you’d like,” Charlie assured, helping Rebecca off the table.

“Okay, thanks Charlie. Santi?” He slowly slid his eyes up to meet hers and read the apology there clear as day. “I’ll see you next week, okay?”

He cleared his throat. “Sure thing. See you then.”

Rebecca smiled, a hint of relief overtaking her features as she sighed. “Good. Have a good weekend everybody!”

She headed towards the staff bathroom with her gym bag in tow and ‘Derek’ left, presumably to go and wait in the car like he was supposed to.

“Frat boy lookin’ douche,” Santi grumbled under his breath.

“Yeah, and the bag it came in,” Charlie muttered as she wiped down Rebecca’s table.

“Isn’t he a little young for her?” Santi asked rhetorically. “He looks like he just stepped off the stage at college graduation.”

“Dude, she’s like, 25. They’re probably the same age.” Charlie flung the white towel she had been using over her shoulder. “Don’t tell anyone I told you that. Patient confidentiality and all that.”

Santi felt his heart sink but told himself it was for the best. Now he had a good reason for not asking her out. What 25-year-old would want to date a broken-down old man anyway?

                                              **********

Week four didn’t happen, and it was the one time Santiago Garcia considered himself a coward.

He’d promised. He’d explicitly told her that he would see her the following week, but he’d called at the last second and rescheduled with Steve for times when he knew she would be at work.

He just didn’t know how to face her. Yes, he had no claim to her time or attention. Yes, he’d spent a grand total of 18 hours in her presence. No, he had never explicitly asked if she was seeing anyone. And, yes, he had sworn off dating for a while, so he had no right to get his back up about her having a date.

And yet, the thought of seeing her, all smiley and happy after her date with ‘Derek’ made him sick to his stomach.

Week five he tried to reschedule again. He picked a time slot that aligned with the closing of the museum she worked at, knowing she often stayed a little longer after closing to chat with coworkers and stare at the art. He should have known, however, that things rarely ever turned out the way he wanted them to.

                                              **********

“Have you been avoiding me?”

The soft voice made him trip over his feet, his left foot tangling in the rungs of the rope ladder he was currently working with.

He looked up and met Rebecca’s soft eyes, tinged with sadness. He sighed and walked around her, stooping to pick up his water bottle before perching himself on a padded wooden block.

“No. Why?”

“Because I haven’t seen you in a week and Charlie wouldn’t tell me why,” she huffed, wrapping her arms around her chest as she moved to lean against the wall across from him.

“I was busy.”

“Really? Huh,” she chuckled sarcastically. “So, this has nothing to do with Derek coming in here?”

He shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “Nope.”

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Okay, Santiago. Whatever…” She turned and began to walk away, out of the back room where he was working out and back into the main gym area.

It was then that he noticed her clothing. A really pretty black blouse with a purple and red floral pattern and a black pencil skirt that pulled his eyes straight to her ass, and no red gym bag hanging from her arm.

“You not staying to work out?”

She turned back to him and laughed humorlessly. “No. I called reception and asked if you were coming in today. Gwen wasn’t going to say, but then Jackie got on the phone and told me you were here. Apparently, she’s got a soft spot for you. So, I left work early because I couldn’t stand not knowing if you were mad at me.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” he mumbled looking down at the silky fabric of his gym shorts, guilt beginning to gnaw at his core.

“Oh, I’m getting that message loud and clear,” she snapped, marching back over to him and getting right up in his face. “But I did. Because I was worried that I had offended you with my age comment, or that I made you uncomfortable by saying that you didn’t look your age, or that I somehow upset you by not telling you that I was, unfortunately, going on a date that night.”

He stood up, standing nose to nose with her. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, we both know you don’t owe me anything. I hope you and Derek had a wonderful time together.”

“Screw you,” she seethed.

Santi scoffed and shook his head, turning away from her to escape into the bathroom.

Once he had the door locked behind him, he sighed heavily and splashed cold water on his face.

This. This was why he didn’t want to seriously date anyone. He inevitably would screw things up. Or, worse, he’d ruin things before he even had the chance to really start with someone.

Fuck, Yovanna had been right. He somehow always managed to dim whatever light there was around him. Rebecca’s warmth and energy were so bright, so addicting, that he had thought it possible to bask in them without hurting her. She was like the Sun, drawing him in even when he wanted to stay away. Nobody could hurt the Sun. It was so warm and so bright and so uplifting that it couldn’t be damaged. Yet, there he was.

Santi sighed and stared at himself in the mirror, resolving to fix things next week. He’d switch back to his regular time and pray to a god he wasn’t sure he believed in that she would be willing to hear him out. That was his long-term plan. His immediate plan was to get through the day’s session and go home to drink that bottle of whisky he’d been saving.

Opening the door, he took two steps onto the rubber flooring of the back room and froze.

Soft sobs echoed in the airy space, and he felt his heart sink down to his toes as he followed the sound back to that padded block, finding Rebecca hunched over on it, a hand pressed delicately to her mouth as she tried to muffle the sound.

He grimaced to himself, knowing he was the cause of her distress. Hesitantly, he reached out and tried to place a gentle hand on her shoulder, but Rebecca caught sight of his shoes first and jerked back in surprise, looking up at him with tears gleaming like diamonds in her eyes under the harsh florescent lights.

He slowly crouched down in front of her, balancing on the balls of his feet.

“I’m an idiot,” he started, and felt his heart lift slightly as she choked on a laugh. “And I’m so sorry.”

She shook her head at him, desperately swiping at her tears. “No, you were right. We barely know each other, so we don’t owe each other anything. I had no right to get mad at you. For all I know, you had a family emergency that made you switch your appointment times.”

Santi was already shaking his head. “Your instincts were good, sweetheart. I did change times to avoid you, but not because I was mad at you.”

“The age comments—”

“Were sweet,” he finished for her, meeting her gaze for the first time since he had lowered himself down. “If you had said anything bad about Frankie, I wouldn’t have had time to argue with you before Charlie jumped down your throat.” She laughed again and his heart lifted just a tad higher. “And I appreciate you saying I don’t look my age. I always think the grey gives me away,” he added wryly.

“It suits you,” she rebutted quickly. “Not many people look good with the salt and pepper, grey thing. All I can think of are Idris Elba, George Clooney and you.”

Santi laughed loudly. “Well, I will take that compliment.”

“Good,” she nodded decisively. “Now get off your knees before Steve comes and yells at you.”

She shifted over on the block and he laboriously heaved himself to his feet, coming to sit next to her, a few inches of space between their bodies. They sat in a cloud of quiet calm, both knowing that there was more to resolve but unwilling to break the silence.

“Maybe it’s not my place, but I just think you can do a lot better than Douchebag Derek,” Santi finally said. “No offense,” he added quickly, silently berating himself for the slip.

She giggled at the nickname. “No offense taken. It was actually my first time ever meeting him,” she admitted quietly.

Pope’s mind rapidly went over the brief interaction and he felt his blood begin to boil. “But…”

She nodded sadly. “I know. He’s the son of the museum curator, so I felt like I couldn’t turn him down without affecting my job. And you know how much I love my job.”

He did know. She was the educational liaison for the local art museum. She led field trips that came through the museum, explaining different art pieces and their historical and artistic significance, while also leading the students through art lessons on how to either imitate an artist’s style or create their own styles. Occasionally, she would also make trips to low-income schools in the area through an outreach program, going into classrooms to teach art lessons and give the teachers a break. It was on her way back from one of those in school visits that she got into her car accident, but it hadn’t diminished her enthusiasm for her work. In fact, it had made her desperate to get back into the museum and back into the classroom.

“But he kissed you. And he called you Becky,” Santi commented, confused.

Rebecca allowed her head to fall into her palm. “I know…apparently his mom really talked me up and made me seem really desperate and really into him. Plus, he seems to think he’s God’s gift to women, so it was the perfect storm of misogynistic crap.”

Santi was shaking his head. “Next time, tell me. I don’t care if you have to do it in front of the guy, just let me know and I’ll get him out of your hair in ten seconds, tops.”

She sighed and shuffled closer to him. “Thanks Santi. It’s nice to know that someone has my back.” She ended up pressed right against his side and gently lowered her head to his shoulder.

Oh.

Oh fuck.

                                              **********

That day marked the end of Santi sticking to his guns about not dating. After that, it became an increasingly difficult game that he was playing with himself.

Get closer to her, get to know her more, be that shoulder for her to lean on when she needed it, but don’t cross that line. Just because she said he didn’t look his age; it didn’t mean she wanted to be with someone his age. It didn’t reduce the 15-year age gap between them. She said it was nice to have someone have her back, so that’s who he became. Her constant cheerleader, her confidant, her friend. It was the first female friend Santi had had since Charlie. Before Charlie, never.

They exchanged numbers that day, and soon his days became filled with texting her different stories about his day, like how he ended up at the hospital with Benny because the idiot accidentally put a nail through his finger when he was helping nail down Santi’s new kitchen floor, or how he couldn’t move after a session where Steve had him in the therapy pool for 45 minutes. She’d send him funny quotes she heard her ‘kids’ say on field trips or in the classroom, or photos of paintings in the museum with ridiculous captions.

After she laid her head on his shoulder, he knew he loved her. After she sent him a photo of Queen Elizabeth the First’s portrait with the caption “wanna thank your mother for a butt like that”, he knew he was in love with her. And after she showed him a picture of her childhood dog Cookie and her at age 6, he knew he was drowning in her and that his only salvation would be asking her out.

Still, he kept drowning for months.

“Santi?” He turned his attention to Rebecca, still leaning gently on his arm as they stood outside the change room. “You okay? I lost you there for a second.”

“Yeah, Bex, I’m fine,” he smiled warmly at her and felt a silent thrill go through him when she got a little flustered. “Uh, Jackie was excited because Lorelai got accepted at Clemson.”

“Wow, good for her.” They both paused, a slight awkwardness hanging over them. “I’ll, uh, I’ll see you out there?”

“Oh…uh, yeah.”

The door closed with a quiet click and Santi wanted to kick himself. They had spent weeks dancing around this thing, and it was pissing him off to no end.

He had never been like this. Not since he asked out Libby Stiles in the fourth grade. Why was this one girl sending his head spinning? Okay, he knew why, but it wasn’t fair. He could ask out any girl he ran into, except the one he wanted.

“Hey!” Santi turned around at the hissed greeting and found Charlie pumping up an exercise ball behind him. “If you don’t ask her out, I am going to ask her out for you!” she whispered.

Santi took a cautionary glance back at the door before stepping over to her. “What are you talking about?”

“Cut the shit, Santi!” she huffed quietly. “You think I haven’t noticed that all of your appointment times line up with hers? Or that you spend more time talking to her than you do actually doing your stretches? Or that you get this sad sap look in your eyes when you look at her?”

“And what the fuck do you know about it, Charlie?” he snarled under his breath.

“Because it’s the same way I look at Frankie, you dork!” she smirked. “It’s the same way Frankie looks at me, it’s the way Benny looks at every fucking Ring Girl who walks by. Oh, and it’s the same way she looks at you when you’re not paying attention. Now, get this ridiculous sexual tension out of my clinic and ask her out!”

“How?” he exhaled. “And what do we do? Where do I take her?”

“Jesus, Santi…” she breathed, straightening herself and running her arm over her sweaty forehead. “Who are you and what did you do with Santiago Garcia?”

He rolled his eyes and stomped over to the stationary bike. A minute later, Charlie rejoined him after adding the exercise ball to the ball bin.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she murmured softly, one hand on his back.

“I know,” he apologized, grinning at her and nudging her with his elbow.

“It’s just clear as fucking day, Santi. What’s holding you up?” Charlie crossed her arms and leaned against the handlebars of the bike he was riding. “And don’t say it’s the age gap. Not to me.”

He rolled his eyes. “Is 15 years not a good enough reason, Chuck?”

She shrugged, leaning down to rest her chin on her arms. “Not to me it isn’t. Besides, Santi, that girl is into you.”

“Right, yeah. These looks she’s been giving me. Okay.”

“Jesus…” Charlie swore under her breath, Santi chuckling as he recognized a few Spanish curses mixed in with the English. Charlie really was Frankie’s lady. “Okay, you didn’t hear this from me, right?” Santi nodded, leaning in as far as the bike would allow him. “Those first few weeks, before you started stalking her schedule to get the same time slots? She would call in and ask Jackie what times you were coming so she could book the same times as you. That’s why Jackie told her you were in here that day you made her fucking cry in my back room. Jackie’s a hopeless romantic and has wanted you two idiots to get together from the start.”

Santi sat back, feeling like the wind had just been knocked out of him. “S-seriously?”

Charlie nodded, a smirk on her face. “Yep. And if you ask her out this week, I win the jackpot.”

“You guys have been betting on us?” he hissed, leaning forward again.

“Oh, please. Like you and the Millers weren’t taking bets on when Frankie would finally pop the question, and I know for a fact you pulled the strings on that one to turn things in your favor, Mr. Best Man,” she rolled her eyes. “Look, ask her out today and I’ll use the winnings to cover your tab at the Beer Garden tonight. Deal?”

Santi fixed her with a suspicious look. “Is this you wanting to win or is this you actually having my best interest at heart?”

Charlie gave him a light smack on the back of the head as she moved away to her desk, conveniently located between the main gym and the back room, with the therapy pool behind her.

“You know me better than that, Santiago. Now get your girl, please.”

                                              **********

Charlie was right. She was always right. It was one of the things that drove Santiago up the fucking wall. Frankie and Charlie were the perfect pair because, between the two of them, they were right one hundred percent of the time. Ben needed advice for his next fight? Forget Will, he was going to Frankie and Frankie’s future wife. Will revamped his speech and needed someone to read it over? Send it to Mr. and Future Mrs. Morales. Santi needed to pick paint colours? He just handed the paint chips to the couple of let them go wild. When they argued, it drove Frankie nuts because his lady had a knack for being right about almost everything. (The one time she was wrong in all their years of dating was when she claimed that Mateo would be a little girl, and Frankie wasn’t going to let her live that down as long as they lived.)

This time, she was right about Santi having to ask Rebecca out, and Santi was sure that ‘Fish would have the same advice if he were to call him up. This hurry up and wait bullshit was driving him crazy, so he needed to do it now, for his own peace of mind.

“Hey, man,” Steve hustled up to him, worry etched across his face.

“Hey Steve, you okay?”

He was already shaking his head. “My brother just called. Our mom took a nasty spill down the stairs. I’m really sorry, but I’m gonna have to cut this short. You’re basically done anyway; I was just gonna do some laser work with you but we can do that on Monday. I talked to Charlie; she can set you up with the cryo cuffs.”

“Yeah, man. No worries. Hope your mom is okay.”

“Thanks, man.”

Santi watched Steve leave for a minute before getting off the glider and heading into the back room, where he knew Charlie and Rebecca were.

“Hey Santi,” Charlie called from the goalpost set up in the corner. “Did Steve talk to you?”

“Yeah. Shame about his mom.”

Charlie nodded emphatically. “She’s a sweet lady. I’ve got my fingers crossed for her.”

“Me too…” Santi watched as Charlie bent to attach a weight to Bex’s foot. “You want me to go grab a table, Chuck? No rush.”

“Sure, if you want,” she replied distractedly. “Or…I was just gonna have Rebecca kick some soccer balls to work on her range of motion. Maybe you could goal keep for her?” she shot him a sly smile.

“I’d love that,” Rebecca piped up, a touch of embarrassment washing over her at her too-enthusiastic tone. “I mean, if you’re free.”

“Sure. Yeah, I can do that,” he agreed awkwardly, moving across the room to stand in the net.

“Alright then. Rebecca, you’re in good hands. Have fun you two.” Charlie turned and sauntered away, turning back once to mouth “Ask her out, dumbass” at him.

“You ever play soccer, Bex?” he asked, adjusting his stance so he stood in the middle of the goalpost.

“Ha, no,” she replied, kicking the soccer ball over to him. “My physical exercise is limited to yoga and swimming. Anything involving a ball or a racquet or running? That would be a no from me.” Santi kicked the ball back to her as it reached his feet. “You?”

“I played some when we would go visit my cousins in Colombia, and I played for my fifth-grade team in school, but that was about it. Sometimes we would play with some of the village kids when we were in Afghanistan. Give ‘em a taste of normal for a few minutes.”

She smiled sweetly as she returned the ball to him, leg moving a little steadier this time. “That’s really great of you.”

“Not really,” he shrugged, sliding over a step to stop the ball before kicking it back to her. “We were the ones fucking up their country. It was the very least we could do. But, god, Tom hated when we did that.”

She scoffed. “Well, that’s not fair of him. Those kids deserve something at least a little fun after all the crap they have to deal with.”

Santi grunted in agreement. “You don’t know the half of it.”

Bex laughed once, low and devoid of joy. “Oh but I do.” Santi stopped the ball and meandered over to her, looking at her questioningly. “Santi, most of my job revolves around kids. You’d be surprised how many of them tell me that their daddies hit them or their mommies throw things at them or that their grandparents intentionally starve them for being bad.” Tears welled up in her eyes and Santi quenched the urge to wrap her in his arms. “I’ve made more CPS calls than I can count and, the worst part is, I never know if that kid is safe after I make the call. Santi, there’s a reason my trunk is full of kid sized snack packs, granola bars, juice boxes. The museum doesn’t cover any of it, but at least I know that, when I walk into a classroom or those kids walk into my museum, they’ll feel safe and loved, and they won’t have to worry about food for at least a day.”

“Jesus, Bex,” he sighed, a small, sad smile on his face. “And they call us the heroes.”

She let out a tear-filled laugh and wiped at the single tear that had managed to escape. “We all do our part, Santi. You play soccer with kids in war torn countries. I feed the ones who get left behind at home.”

Rebecca turned away from him, heading for the main gym when he reached out and grabbed her elbow gently, giving it a squeeze as he turned her towards him and doing his best to ignore the electricity that ran up and down his arm at her touch.

He sighed and released her, his hand coming up to rub at the curls on the back of his head.

“Look, stop me if this is way off base, but if I don’t say this I’m gonna go crazy. I…I really like you, and I’ve wanted to ask you out for a while but, uh…” he smiled wryly and chuckled, hating how she made him feel like an inexperienced teenage boy.

“Santi?” Rebecca stepped closer and entwined her fingers with his remaining hand, giving it a tight squeeze.

“Do you want to go to the Beer Garden with me tonight?” he burst, the words falling out of his mouth. “A, uh, a bunch of us are going tonight. My old squad, Charlie and Frankie. Would you like to come with us? I mean,” he felt his cheeks heat up. “Would you like to come with me? As my date?”

A sweet, giddy giggle surged past her lips. “I’d love to.”

“Really?”

She squeezed his hand, more laughter bubbling up from her lips. “Yeah. I…I’ve been trying to build up the nerve to ask you out for coffee for the last, like, month.”

“Maybe if tonight goes well we could go for coffee next week?” he asked hopefully.

She sighed and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Yeah, I’d really like that.”

“Awesome,” he breathed. “I’ll pick you up at 8?”

“That sounds perfect.”

                                              **********

Tags list (open): @darksideofclarke, @writefightandflightclub, @eternallyvenus, @rae-rae-patcha, @himbopoes, @sophoclese, @phoenixhalliwell, @buckstaposition

[thedormdietitian]

Why I’m Leaving the Field

Hi everyone!

It’s been quiiiiiiite a while since I’ve posted on here, and I’m really sorry about that! One perk of quarantine is that I’ve had a whole lot of extra free time, so here we are.

In my last post (done almost 2 years ago....how?!), I shared my thoughts on the lack of jobs for dietitians. Well, shortly after posting that, I was fortunate to land a job in the world of inpatient dietetics. It was in my dream area and I was thrilled to a) have a full time job and b) have it be in the area I have my degrees in. In today’s rather pathetic millennial society, I recognize how lucky I am to have a job that fits both of those categories. But anyways, as you can tell by the title of this post, I will (hopefully) be leaving this job, and this field, soon.

I’ll try to keep this post short and sweet, but I have to admit that I never thought I would actually be writing this. I was a young, spry 18 year old when I decided on this career. I was slightly obnoxious over how proud I was for never changing my major and I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Maybe this is payback? I truly thought this was the career for me and I didn’t let anything get in the way of that. There were many times during both undergrad and grad school that I wanted to quit, but I did not let anything get in my way. I was so beyond determined to hurry up and graduate and start my dream career, and I was ecstatic to land the job that I did.

Now that I’m looking back, I realized this career wasn’t for me during my internship. On my second day of my clinical rotations, I cried on my whole drive home. After a whole two days at my rotation site, I knew didn’t chose the right career. I’ve never told ANYONE this because I was so embarrassed that it took me years of schooling to realize that; and here I am, in a coveted and competitive internship, realizing that this wasn’t what I wanted. So, I sucked it up and just told myself I was overreacting, and that there was no way in hell I would quit the internship because I was lucky to be there. It took me quite a while to grapple that idea. 

Now, to get to the why am I leaving the field? I’ve been at my job for a while now. Again, I realize, especially now, how fortunate I am to even have a job, let alone contemplate a career change. But, if this helps anyone thinking of becoming a dietitian, then I’m glad I put this out here. Here are the reasons why I am leaving the field:

-We have to get permission for EVERYTHING. This is possibly what bothers me the most. Everyone I work with has advanced degrees, tons of experience, and credentials, yet we have to ask permission to do the very things that we’ve been trained to do. Want to order a vitamin level? Call the doctor. Want to change tube feeds because the patient is off the ventilator? Call the doctor. Want to correct your patient’s diet order? Call the doctor. At my hospital, we are the only group of providers that has to get permission to do anything. I see MDs order speech evals, or PT/OT evals, and they just say “evaluate and treat”. No physical therapist is calling the doctor to see if it’s ok to do this certain exercise on a patient. Even if we get an order for tube feeds, we have to call the doctor (who ordered the consult) to see if, yes, they truly want tube feeds. Doctors don’t have a clue what exercises should be done, just like they don’t know what tube feeds a patient should be on. I’m not slamming doctors at all; that’s why different specialties and careers exist. But why can’t dietitians be treated like other professions? It’s ridiculous to call to get permission to DO OUR JOBS.

-The pay. I knew I wouldn’t be a millionaire as a dietitian, but I didn’t think the pay would be that dismal. Sitting in the office everyday, at least one person complains about not having enough money. Our raises are very small and are automatic; we get them each year whether we are good at our job or not. There are no incentives to perform better. I’m a strong believer in working hard because that’s what you should do, but it gets pretty dang annoying to see people in other careers who get lucrative bonuses for simply doing things required for their jobs. At my workplace, you don’t get extra pay if you get your CNSC/CDE/etc, see extra patients, come in early, or anything else. Your pay doesn’t change except for your yearly raise. Hearing my coworkers complain about money on the daily really starts to get to me, especially after working so hard to get here. A few of my coworkers have worked at my workplace for 30+ years and don’t even come close to making $70k. Hearing that they can’t afford to do needed house repairs, or fix their cars, or even go on vacation with their kids gets really depressing. I even have a coworker who has to give up her shift if her mom can’t watch her kids because she can’t afford to pay for childcare. You wouldn’t think any of those things would be a concern working in healthcare! Dietitians work insanely hard to even become a dietitian, and our jobs are demanding. Our pay needs to reflect that. See my previous post for salary comparisons in healthcare careers. I had a professor in undergrad who said dietitians will only be successful financially if their spouses are the breadwinners. I brushed her comment off at first, but after working in the field, SHE WAS RIGHT. I have a lot of coworkers, and the ones who are truly happy in this field are the ones that have spouses who are breadwinners. Because money DOES matter. I want to be able to take care of myself, buy things I need, fix things that break, and yes, go on vacation. I don’t even have kids yet, but the number of times I’ve already thought about not being able to afford things for them freaks me out. I’ve known dietitians who work for WIC who are on WIC themselves.That is not even slightly ok. I am not shaming those who use WIC; but to be a dietitian and meet the salary requirements for WIC is mind-boggling. Your education is an investment; you want a solid return on that investment. If you’ve ever paid for a dietetic internship, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

-Lack of leadership. Sorry, but I can’t stand the Academy. Using my example of physical therapists again, their “academy” fought for them to raise their pay and to improve the field, and they did. The only advancement in our field is the new “RDN” credential, which, frankly, just brings more confusion on who we are and tacks on the word “nutritionist”, something that 99.9% of dietitians hate being called. The Academy is also requiring all RD’s to have Masters degrees by 2024. I interviewed for quite a few jobs, and having a Masters does nothing for your duties/responsibilities, and results in a very minimal salary adjustment. We can do better. Making it even harder to enter into this field or slightly changing our name won’t help anyone.

-Lack of support for the field. Excluding FNCE, have you ever been to a dietitian conference? They’re usually in a random hall at hospital. Have you ever seen a conference for other health professions? They’re usually at a gorgeous resort on an island. Because of our poor pay, very few dietitians are actually able to support their profession financially. This results in lackadaisical events that are frankly depressing to be at. It’s not about the glitz and glamour; its about supporting the profession and being enthusiastic about it. These events that are held should make people want to join our profession, not run the other way. 

-Job outlook. As a clinical inpatient dietitian, I don’t see my exact position being around for much longer. Especially with losses in revenue amongst hospitals due to COVID, I truly (and unfortunately) think this position will eventually be phased out. In my city, a lot of hospitals have already started cutting their clinical inpatient diet techs, and I think dietitians are next. And it kills me to say that, because our job is needed. But since nurses can (and have) been doing our educations, pharmacy can order TPNs, and residents can stumble through ordering tube feeds, I think our job has shifted into the “not really necessary but nice to have” category. Which really, really sucks. But even in the few years I’ve been a dietitian, I’ve seen the shift. I think outpatient and community RD jobs will always be there, but I think inpatient dietitians are going to be a thing of the past very soon. Starting your own business has become more popular. If you can make it work, go for it. There is a dietitian “business coach” who started her own Instagram business after realizing clinical just isn’t where it’s at, and that new clinical jobs are becoming few and far between. And honestly, she’s right. Post-pandemic, look at the number of job opportunities in your area. It’s a shrinking number.

So that’s that. I’m sure this came off as negative, but someone needs to be telling others this. As much as I love nutrition and am passionate about helping those improve their health with nutrition, this career just isn’t worth it. I hope to always use my RD roots in my next career and I don’t regret the years of schooling I’ve done. But if you’re considering this route, I want you to recognize that this career isn’t even close to what your professors have chalked it up to be. If anything, if you are in college right now, GO SHADOW. Shadow inpatient, shadow outpatient, go see what the job is like. See how happy they are in their jobs, learn their salaries, learn what they love, what they don’t love, and truly see if you can see yourself in this job. That’s what I would tell my 18 year old self, and it’s what I’m telling you as well. 

xoxo,

The Dorm Dietitian

[flamestoflight]

candid.

this is a breaking point

i really have not been taking care of myself lately. i’ve been neglecting my physical health and my mental health to an extent that i haven’t done in years. everything is just happening so fast and all at once. graduation, a new job, a new city, a new apartment, a hard and painful breakup, an exciting new relationship, an upcoming trip, trying to get my licensure in order before I leave, dealing with all the new employee stuff.....it’s just a lot. it’s a hell of a lot. and i’ve been neglecting every aspect of caring for my physical and mental health for the past month.

it started after i finished my last rotation in early December. I was in the mindset of “fuck it, I’m finally done with school, I have 2 months until I start a real job, I’m just going to let loose and not care during this time period because it’s an opportunity i won’t have again.” And I was right about that, I will never have 2 months like this again. I will likely never even have a full week like this again - free to do whatever with my days, no 8 hours a day/5 days a week work. and at first it was in the name of mental and physical health. a rest from nonstop grinding for yearssssss. A rest from 4:30am alarms to get to the gym before work, of working 10 hours and then coming home and studying, of 5 hours of class followed by 3 hours of clinic followed by studying for my exam the next day, of meal prepping and skipping the dinner outing or the trip to the bar in the name of discipline, of working like an absolute dog to get to where I am. 

But it’s turned bad. It’s turned into a blatant neglect for my health. I’ve stopped taking my prescribed meds, I’ve stopped working out, I’ve stopped eating well....some days I don’t eat at all and others I eat like shit for every single meal. My weight has fluctuated like crazy these past 2 months, low to high to low to high. I honest to god cannot tell you the last time I had a fruit that wasn’t a garnish on a drink. I haven’t cooked for myself in 2 months. I haven’t eaten brown rice or quinoa or spinach or chia seeds or oats or literally any vegetable or fruit or anything that used to be a staple for me. 

I haven’t spent time outdoors. I haven’t read a book. I haven’t organized my space, I haven’t been washing my face, I haven’t had any semblance of a sleeping schedule. 

and to a certain extent, that’s okay. You know, that’s living life and that’s being flexible and adaptable and understanding that your life isn’t supposed to fit in a box and you aren’t supposed to be a solid mold. I understand all that, and in a way I am proud of my ability to break out of my routine time and time again, and choose friends and late nights and beer and a weekend trip out of town over rigidity and strictness and anything that I am used to.

But it’s gone too far and it has been for a few weeks now and I’m just ignoring the problem as if it’s going to go away. To be fair to me, I have been emotionally all over the place and gone through ups and downs that I never saw coming. and i’ve been trying to handle this emotional whirlwind, trying to handle the nighttime depression that has started creeping back in, trying to handle the couple of panic attacks i’ve induced over the past month, trying to handle my tendencies to use food as a weapon against myself, to use self-deprivation (water, sleep, vegetables, fresh air) as weapon against myself. Trying to handle the overwhelming pressure I feel to be good at my new job, with my fancy new degree at a fancy new hospital and not let everyone down and not let myself down. 

I kind of feel like I’ve lost myself a little bit. I haven’t been engaging in the things that have always been important to me. At least not the ones that only involve me. I’ve been very present in my relationship, present in my family life, present when it comes to making plans with friends. But I’ve lost the part of me that cares about the food she puts into her body, who respects her body and moves it every day, whether that be stretching and handstands or squatting and pressing or walking and hiking. I just haven’t been. 

Yesterday I went with my boyfriend to get his hair cut and he said it was going to be about an hour and for 5 minutes I sat in the car mindlessly scrolling through my phone and that’s how I was planning to pass the time....and I instantly started getting anxious and antsy. Because that’s not me, that’s not what I do. I got out of the car and walked a little less than a mile to the local library and grabbed myself a latte and perused some books, sat down at a table and opened one at random and started reading. I walked!! outside. and I read!! a book. while i sipped my latte. THAT is me. That’s what I do, that’s the Lauren that’s engaged in her life, engaged in her surroundings, takes care of her mental stimulation and moves her body a bit.

It’s very tough for me to be in this state of transition. Nothing is permanent right now, everything, everything is about to change. And in order to deal with the impending change and the stress that’s associated with it, I’ve become lost in the moment. (as a side note, I think that living in the moment is extremely important and valuable. I, however, have become completely lost in it...directionless, unsure, lacking confidence, losing myself kind of lost). And I want to change that. I need to change that.

this is a breaking point.

And this breaking point comes at a really unfortunate time. I’m leaving in 2 days to fly to Tanzania, I’ll be gone for 10 days total in the wilderness with zero semblance of routine and zero control over any of it. Two days after I come back, I drive to my new city and start the move-in process. I’ll be in Baltimore for 5 days, I’ll be back home for part of the next week where I’ll be trying to figure out how to get my stuff out of storage, how to get my furniture from my ex, how move into my own place...and also trying to cram in seeing my boyfriend who will have started classes and has more limited time. I have to figure out how ad when to get the cats to Baltimore, I have to figure out what furniture I need and how to get it, where to get it, how much I can afford to spend. I have so little control over anything the next 2 weeks, my opportunities to work out will be slim to none, my opportunities to cook for myself and meal prep will be slim to none, my opportunities to decide how much time I get to spend with the people I care about and those that give me comfort will be slim to none. 

but I can’t fight this breaking point anymore. It;s been a longggg time coming, and I’m almost relieved it’s here. Time to break out the journal, the planner, time to break out the attitude that gets shit done, time to break out the side of me that is fed up with my current bullshit and wants to be better. I can’t let this go forever. It’s grind time again. It’s time to sleep better, eat better, move better, treat other people better, engage more, work harder, get shit done. I cannot start my new job in this slump. I have to be on my A+ game from day one, out the gate. I have to show them why they hired me and what I can do for them. And that starts with reminding myself what I can do for myself. 

And there’s balance to all of this. I’m not done drinking wine or eating ice cream or taking rest days or choosing to live in the moment with others. I just need to find my balance again. Restore the scales back to where they were, restore myself back to where I was. Bring myself back from the brink that I have been standing on for weeks and weeks and weeks. It’s not easy, the opportunities in the next 3 weeks will not be handed to me. I will have to fight for every single one of them, and make it a priority. 

It starts tonight. It starts with getting my ass out of bed, drinking some water, making a salad for dinner, meal prepping some breakfast for tomorrow, getting to bed at a reasonable time. It continues tomorrow, when I get up at a reasonable time, get my ass to the gym, pack my bags for Tanzania, get all my travel documents in order, make the last purchases I need to make. Make my bed. Get outside. Take a fucking walk. Breathe some fresh air, read my book. 

I’ve always been an all or nothing person. The last month, taking care of myself has been off my radar, it’s been at nothing. Tonight I start to bring it back. I don’t want to go back to “all,” because I know that side of it isn’t good for me. I know what I can end up doing when I put my everything into “bettering myself” - I know that that pendulum swings waaay to fast and too hard in the other direction. I’m gonna play some video games tonight still, I’m gonna facetime my boyfriend tonight still, I’m going to probably have a small glass of wine tonight still. I’m just going to also do better, be better than I have for the past month. Better to myself and better to others. 

There is SO much I haven’t even covered in this post, but it’s a semblance of what I’ve been laying in bed for the past 3 hours thinking about. And it gets me going the way I need it to. I know what else is going on in my head, I know what else I need to address besides this ^. But this is a start. This is a breaking point. And even though I’m mentally tired and emotionally strained and physically under-nourished and dehydrated and my skin hates me and my body feels worn down and my motivation is close to zero....I’m walking headfirst into this.

My phoenix tattoo was inspired by a quote I saw: “in order to rise from its own ashes, a phoenix first must burn.” And at the time I got the tattoo there was a specific moment in mind, a specific time frame of my life that I was thinking of, I have come to realize that it can apply in many ways. I’m going to have a lot more downs in my life, I’m going to be burned in my life, I’m going to be reduced to ashes. But we rise up. That’s all we can do. We hit our bottom, we hit our breaking point, we gather ourselves, and we rise.

this is a breaking point. and i will rise.

[soupsandsandwiches]

Rotation 2: Emergency Medicine

I survived the rest of my Behavioral and Mental Health rotation (truth be told, I actually ended up quite enjoying it by the time all was said and done), and passed my first EOR with flying colors! It is not lost on me that psych is said to be among the easiest, and my current rotation (emergency med) is among the hardest.

I gave up my apartment for clinical year, moved everything to storage, and sent my doggo to live with my parents in GA. I miss her more than I could have ever imagined (that’s a lie, I knew it’d be bad), and can’t wait to see her at the end of this month. Because I knew my rotations could be virtually anywhere, I felt it financially responsible (I first typed easiest, but had to change- there is nothing easy about living out of a storage unit/your car) to give up my apartment, save on paying double rent, and go wherever my clinical coordinator could send me. I think that’s working out in my favor in terms of experience.

I am currently in very rural Ohio, at an underserved 240 bed private community hospital, where I learning more than I ever thought possible. I am wrapping up week two (I am working this weekend), and I have already sutured multiple times, as well as diagnosed some pretty wild stuff. I love my preceptors (I have about 5 in total), and everyone here is such a family. They are all excellent teachers, and really want me to do well. They also continue to push me out of my comfort zone and force me to learn, which I love.

The hospital puts me up in housing, so I am living with three other medical students, which is great. Since there isn’t much to do around here, I have been studying a lot in my free time and I think that will set me up well for the EOR. I am going through the major systems first (I just reviewed cardio, and wouldn’t you know the next day I was able to catch and diagnose a 3rd degree heart block- as it turns out, STUDYING WORKS!) so I am feeling so motivated that my studying is actually paying off in what I am doing every day.

Next, I need to focus on really learning meds and side effects for all of the major disease states. Some I know a lot of the “main meds,” but not 2nd or 3rd line... and some I am embarrassingly bad at. But now that I am seeing them so often, I think this will help.

The only thing that I find particularly challenging about this rotation is any time we see a subarachnoid hemorrhage (believe it or not, I’ve seen two already). After an autopsy was done on my best friend, it was determined that she’d had an aneurysm and died from a SAH. It helps to know that even if her husband had been home, the likelihood that he might’ve been able to save her before she suffered major permanent brain damage was slim. But there is this part of me that feels like if she had just called me and told me how she was feeling, that she didn’t feel right, and explained her symptoms, we might have been able to save her and Baby Blair. The rational part of me recognizes that this is a ridiculous thought, and that I cannot absorb any blame for something so tragic. However, the part of me that misses my best friend with every fiber of my being can’t help but wonder if I could have done more had I only known.

This post deteriorated rather quickly, and while I would usually apologize for that, I am working on saying ‘thank you,’ instead of ‘sorry.’ So thank you for letting me feel my feels, however irrational they may be, and letting me get it out into the universe.

I am so bummed that this rotation will come to an end at the end of the month. I have a 5-day weekend after my EORs/callback, during which time I am going to drive the 500 miles home to see my dog, get hugs from my parents, and sleep in a bed that is more mine than any bed I have slept in for the last 2 months.

And then, I will head back to Ohio for my third rotation, which is critical care. This is an elective rotation for me, and I am so thrilled to be stepping back into an ICU. I miss my days as a nutrition support dietitian, and cannot wait to learn all about managing ICU patients as a mid level provider!

[kyunsies]

Oh Mädch darling, I've missed you so! It's been a bit, hasn't it?

To finish our conversation from last time: I do like my hair shorter! It's MUCH easier to manage, and my mom says it makes me look more grown up.

DKB is releasing new music soon and my sister and I are sooooo excited it's ridiculous. We're just so so hyped!! They've released photos for each of the members so far, and the new song/mv drops on the 28th!!! :) I'm super duper looking forward to that and.. not much else, honestly.

My week (the last 7 days) has been sooo weird and long and exhausting.. :( I really hope yours has been wonderful!!! Have you done anything that's been fun for you lately? Like, if you had a highlight reel of your week what would be on it? I've been just sleeping soo much recently, but for me it would probably be doing a hydrating sheet mask earlier this week! My face feels so nice ') Good luck with your classes, I hope you're doing well!!! 💖💖💖 dkbtho

AHHHH BI ANGEL !!!!!! i’ve missed you loads 😭😭😭 how have you been?

also sksjdjdjd im glad you like your shorter hair bub !!!! it’s so scary getting it cut at first but after a while it really growns on you right? i’ve had 2 big chops in my life and it’s always so nerve-racking lol :’)

ALSO I HAVE SEEN !!!!! IT LOOKS SO GOOD isnt the title track called rollercoaster or something like that ?? i’m so excited for them !!!! i hope it’s hype just like how they’ve been putting out some amazing things as always <3 very much looking forward to it and im glad you and your sister are too 🥰

also i’m sorry your weeks are going by long :( i can’t say the same thing, everything has been a whirlwind …. this week is already my 3rd week in my ICU rotation, i only have 3 more to go ;____; before i know it the end of the first semester of my senior year of nursing school is already over 😭😭😭 and anything fun for me ?? well …. mmmm last weekend my best friend came up to visit me and we went to the bar :’) we just had one drink but i love and miss her so dearly, it’s always nice to see her :( she was actually helping me finish up clinical paperwork and the dang BAR lmao you know you’re a. Hating student when <3 anyways bub i hope you have a good rest of the week okay !!! and i hope you’ll be able to do more face masks <3 goodnight angel !!!

[agape-l0ve]

hello i am back lol

I think the last few times I wrote out a blog was when jj was deployed.  tumblr was a really helpful tool for me at that time because it allowed me to be completely vulnerable without having to burden anyone else!

I was looking back at my old posts and it’s so interesting to read where I was back then and to see the progression of how much life changes in such short bursts of time! So here’s just an update for my future self -- warning, it’s not very exciting hahaha

So, since jj returned in dec 2018, it’s honestly been great! We saw 2019 and 2020 as a time to catch up on all the lost time we had in the previous years.  No more exercises, training, or trips away, life actually went back to normal - which was weird.  I look back and think about how we’ve only been in this lifestyle since 2016, but so much can happen within a span of 4-5 years.  I’ve finally graduated from CFCC’s OTA program, which was honestly such a blessing because our class was able to complete our requirements before COVID got really bad.  Well, I should say most of our class.  As of right now, I think only one more person is finishing up their FW II, which is crazy because these days, I find myself thinking about how I was just finishing up HH and transitioning into peds outpatient in FW II exactly one year ago.  

I’ll talk a bit about my FW II experiences.. since they were not the greatest lol.

Home health was really interesting.  I was honestly DREADING it because 1, I don’t like spending long amounts of time in the car and 2, I hate being in the car with just one other person - especially someone I don’t feel100% comfortable with. Also, I wasn’t too fond of the idea of going to people’s homes either.  I think this placement really stretched me and pushed me out of my comfort zone in every aspect.  Looking back now, I genuinely enjoyed the experience for what it was! Would I voluntarily do it again? It depends! (which is a step up from a solid no) 

Our area covered the extremely rural areas of our surrounding counties and it definitely served as a huge culture shock.  But everyone was so sweet and grateful for any help they could get and I will always remember some of the most awesome patients I got to meet.  The negative effects of this rotation mostly came from my supervisor.  She was an awful human being, but thankfully, she was at least a good OTR.  However, that being said, I saw ZERO treatments! Even when I tried to tell my professor, NO ONE LISTENED OR BELIEVED ME.  It was extremely frustrating because I had all of these assignments to do and all of them were about mf interventions.  Anyways, my OTR was untimely, rude, unapologetic, and lacked empathy out of her ass.  I was so ready to be done with her and thankfully, she didn’t ruin HH as an option for me - just wasted my time with her.  If someone could win an award for the amount of countless hours they could talk about themselves, it would be her.  9 hours every day, non-stop, talking about herself and how great she is and her bf. omfg JUST GET ME OUT OF THE CAR

FW II was supposed to be really exciting for me.  I was done with HH and moving onto what I cared about the most and what I really felt passionate about.  Helping children in clinic! It was honestly my dream.  It was a multi-disciplinary site with SLP, PT, and OT. Everyone seemed nice and it just so happens that my OTR at this placement was a former Marine and he and I had a lot in common paper.  Boy, was I in for it.  He turned out to be an extremely narcissistic man who thought the world of only himself.  He shit talked EVERYONE behind their backs, but was extremely fake to their face.  Him and the front office administrator would gossip every moment they got, like they were 13 year old bullies.  He suffered from several TBIs when he was enlisted, so it’s safe to say that his temperament issues and memory loss were definitely a result of those.  But the worst part is, he refused to admit it.  He would shit talk the boss, the PR manager, the PTs, the clients, and just about everyone in between.  And he brought 100% of his personal life into this, which I get if we’re co-workers, that’s fine.  But as your student, I don’t need to know about that kind of crap.  On top of that, I was his first FW II student... lol of course I was.  So he knew nothing about how to help me, guide me, or teach me. Instead of looking at the informational packed my professor handed to him, he puts that in the closet the entire 9 weeks I’m with him and proceeds to continuously throw me under the bus when it came to doing my assignments and treating patients.  Mind you, I didn’t get to treat anyone in HH, so this is now my first real opportunity to start treating patients throughout the entirety of my program.  Safe to say, I was nervous.  But I pulled through and did my best and I forced myself to become really confident really quickly.  I was awesome at it and I was honestly very proud of the practitioner I was striving to be.  He did help me from time to time and I’d like to believe there were moments where he was genuine and tried his best to help me.  But none of those times outweigh the flustercluck that was that clinic.  Anyways, I came out pretty salty about the whole thing, but I didn’t let it ruin my passion for helping children, as that is what I aspire to do in the future.  I made strides with kids my OTR wasn’t able to connect with for months.  And instead of encouraging me and allowing me to fulfill my duty as a student, he re-books them with another therapist and anyone in healthcare knows how that detrimental that process is to their progression and tells me that he’s just trying to be nice and share his case-load with other people.  No, you’re purposefully taking them away from me because you can’t stand the thought of someone being better than you at something.  His pride and arrogance will forever taint my experience there and I have no intention of going back - which is a true shame because I absolutely fell in love with the kids and some of the other therapists there.  Oh well, good riddance to both my HH OTR and my peds OTR.

Luckily through it all, COVID was just beginning and it only delayed my graduation process a few weeks.  I was extremely fortunate to be one of the first few in my class to finish up and start studying for my NNCOT exam!

Studying for my exam was a time and a half.  I honestly had -0% confidence in myself to pass this test.  I knew it was coming, I knew I had to eventually take it.. but time just snuck up on me so quickly and before I realized, it was my time.  I studied for about 3 months, graduating in June and taking my exam in Sept.  I took a short break immediately following graduation and then read an entire 3,000 page textbook, took over 300 pages of notes, and took practice tests and listened to podcasts/watched youtube videos.  It was a lot of information but it was honestly so rewarding to think about how much knowledge I’ve truly gained from these past few years.  Fast forward, Sept 23, 2020 was the day I took my test and it was great! A lot less structured of a process than they make it sound and I was able to complete my exam in about 2 hours and passed a few weeks later! I got my license and everything was great!

For whatever reason, during this time, I felt in my heart that it was time to get another dog.  This topic kept coming up un-provoked in EVERY single conversation we had with others and it just felt right.  Being home now, I was able to spend every day with Teddy, rather than taking him to daycare.  Because of the uncertainties of COVID at the time, I didn’t feel comfortable taking him in, nor did I want to drive if I didn’t have to.  Teddy became extremely depressed, always sleeping in the closet or between the toilet and wall, which are places he goes only when he’s hurt or sick.  I would try to play with him and take him out, but he had lost all motivation to do anything.  It hurt my heart that I couldn’t give him what he wanted or what he needed.  So, after a lot of thought and research, Chester came into our lives! Teddy’s breeder had JUST had a litter of puppies (on the same day I took my exam!) and I figured it was a good time to raise another puppy, since I have the time and no outstanding commitments right now.  We picked him up in Nov, right before Thanksgiving and jj’s brother was in town to help us.  It was a looooong day, 5 hours there and 5 hours back.  I think we got home around 2am, but since then, my life has just been on hold while I raise Chester.

Teddy was not happy at first.  I could tell he was confused and upset that another dog was here.  But over time, they have become much closer and share experiences that has helped him become a better brother.  Chester is a lot of work lol but he’s brought so much joy to all of us and I love him so much.  He’s currently 5 months, losing all his baby teeth, and getting into everything and Teddy has been enjoying the company (in moderation lol).

In regards to our life, we were really hoping to PCS back home summer of 2020, but it didn’t happen.  It was pretty disappointing because we’ve been on the east coast the whole time we’ve been active duty.  A lot of our friends moved either back to their hometowns or to the west coast and it felt really unjustified that we were stuck here, but even so, we are making the most of it.  We would have had to move through COVID and we wouldn’t have gotten Chester, so those are definitely some benefits of staying put.  Since we’re here for a bit, we’ve decided to purchase a house! Our friends down the street are selling theirs and we figured it’d be a good financial idea to start allocating our rent into a cheaper mortgage.  It has a double yard and it’s a bit newer than our current rental.  So we are hoping to move around June! I’m excited, it’s kind of a fresh new start without having to be too big of a move for now.  

Mentally, I’ve been fluctuating.  I have a lot of self-inflicted guilt from not working at the moment.  And yes, I agreed to get Chester and it’s a full-time job to watch him and not have to crate him all day.  I want him to enjoy his puppyhood and I want to be here with him as well, so I do cherish these moments that I can have with both him and Teddy.  However, I just feel like it’s the right thing to do or it’s what I’m supposed to do. I graduate and then I work! But being here, it’s just not the path for me.  Besides, I keep reminding myself that there are no job openings in my immediate area right now anyways.  So for now, I’m just spending my days with the pups and working on keeping the house clean, which does bring me a lot of joy.  I need to learn to enjoy life and not worry about what I’m not doing.  To help myself, I signed up for transcription services again, so hopefully that’ll bring in some money and take up some time.  I think it’s the need to feel productive and I haven’t had that in a while.  But with COVID, I’m sure that’s a very popular feeling.  

I think that’s about it for now, that’s what’s been going with me the past few years! I can’t wait to read this in 2 years and hopefully, I won’t be in the same place lol

byee

[canaryatlaw]

Okay, well today was exhausting and difficult but overall still good, somehow. Normal stuff, up at 8:45 for court, I was kind of miffed because I just had a short status date with only me and the judge and normally when I tell the coordinators that they’ll stick me at or towards the front of the line, but that didn’t happen today so I didn’t end up finishing until like 10, which wouldn’t have been too big of an issue except oh it’s Tuesday, which means it’s my clinic day. Joy. So I spent a while assigning cases and trying to get a handle on everything. This was of course the worst day, because I had two more court cases all in front of the same judge, at 11 and 3, so yeah, it’s a lot. I did know this in advance and considered asking to switch clinic days with my work day, but he was on the rotation this week to do Monday and then he’d have to do two days in a row, and I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to say yes because I was asking and stick him with two days in a row (which yes, I do with some frequency because we rotate mondays and I’m always up on tuesdays, but I’ve gotten used to it at this point, so it’s different). But I made it to the 11 am court date which of course involved more waiting. It was a case with one of our Spanish speaking clients, and generally when counsel and clients are waiting to go into the courtroom they’ll put them in the same breakout room, which just ends up being super awkward when I speak very little Spanish (basically what I can remember from four years of studying it in high school) so we just kind of wait there in awkward silence until we’re let in, so that’s always fun. Once we got into the courtroom it was clear there was a breakdown in communication, because someone covered my last court date for this case and the notes got lost somewhere along the way, so I’m expecting the other lawyer to have discovery requests but find out he doesn’t even have the paperwork....(which I mean he definitely could’ve asked the clerk for a copy of, but whatever) so I was like yeah I’ll send that to you and then hopefully we can figure things out there, so a fairly pointless court date, but oh well. I had a little bit of a break when I mostly worked on clinic stuff until I logged on for my motion hearing, which I was both excited and nervous about. Given everything and with them suspending hearings for so long, it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually had a contested argument, so I was looking forward to that, and of course ready to go for the jugular knowing what this asswipe has been doing to my client (who is so incredibly sweet), so I was plenty pumped up. Beginning was fine, started asking questions and was able to get the screenshots into evidence so that was a big relief. Once we finished the judge asked the dude if he wanted to cross examine the client, to which he said know which is good because I would’ve just objected every time I could (which is basically always when people don’t know the rules of evidence) until he got frustrated and gave up (it’s very effective). But he just comes with some bullshit evidence about how we can’t prove it was him and that he was getting stalked too so clearly it was this mysterious third party who knew all of their personal information that was targeting both of them....yeah that was a new one. The judge let me have a rebuttal afterwards and while I’m shredding his argument he tried to interrupt me and start talking and I was just like “I’m speaking now, don’t interrupt me” followed by the judge saying the same thing which made me happy a bit haha just getting to shut him down like that, and it happened another time too cuz this guy was just off his rocker. The judge took so long making her findings and I was nervous she was going to be like oh you should’ve sent out subpoenas to prove where they came from (social media subpoenas generally take at least 6 weeks to process), but thankfully she found my client’s testimony to be credible and extended the order for another two years, which is a big win. We did have two motions pending, the second being

called a petition for rule to show cause, and now that we’ve proved our side of things it’s now the dude’s burden to prove why he shouldn’t be held in contempt of court, so that will be fun, especially being that once the judge was clearly ruling for us the fucking guy left the zoom call like a fucking child and I had to hold back a laugh at just how ridiculous it all was. I have a follow up court date in the morning to get the new order entered and set the next court date, and we’ll see where we go from there. But yeah, I was really happy about this because it was a really big victory and I mean this poor girl’s life has been turned upside down by this asswipe and I want him to get all the potential consequences available, and we’re heading in the right direction at least. While I was in the hearing my boss who had been at the office today offered to drop off the Christmas presents two clients had sent me, which was very convenient because I was going to ask my work buddy when he’s in the office tomorrow if he could drop them off since we don’t live that far from each other, but this was just easier. So once the hearing ended and I debriefed with my client I went downstairs to pick those up, along with some office supplies she dropped off which were very helpful. There’s one big box and then two smaller presents (that were from the same people). I opened the big box first and when I was pulling it out I saw it said Steve Madden on the box and I was like whaaaaaaaaaatt??? So I pull it the rest of the way out and open it to find this super cute Steve Madden bag that definitely was expensive, so I was kind of surprised about that. The second presents, the first little box I open has a little charm in it with a card saying in memory of their son/brother whose death precipitated the events that the order came out of, and I just felt really touched that they’d think of me like that and share something so personal, it definitely meant a lot. The last one from the same people, I open to find 2 $100 gift cards, one of them for visa and the other American Express, one of them being target themed but you could spend it anywhere. So I was kind of blown away by all of these presents and just that they’d think of me like that. Both of the cases had required a good amount of night and weekend (and sometimes on vacation) work, so I definitely put a lot of effort into them, but like I said in the thank you emails I sent out, knowing I’m able to help someone out of a bad situation is absolutely the best part of my job, and that will always make me happy to help in whatever way I can. So that was a lot, but yeah. I had a good amount of work to finish and ended up working until about 7:30, after which I turned on Chicago Med. the laptop situation did not resolve overnight (as I expected) and I tried to restore it from a backup on an external hard drive but that failed so I tried the migration assistant thing again and apparently the issue was there was too much content on my old computer than space on my new one, so I went through a bunch of stuff and just deleted it until it would work, and I did get it to start working so I was very glad about that. Hopefully it’ll be done in the morning and we can go from there. Once I got that figured out I showered and started to get ready for bed, and now it’s like 1:45 am and I very much need to go to sleep, so I’ll be doing that now. Goodnight my friends. Sweet dreams.

[drroybstoller]

8 Ways to Expand Your HAIR Faster | Hair transplant ny

Do you want to expand your hair much faster?

 It's a known reality of life: Women are constantly transforming their hair. They grow it out for many years, just to realize that they want their hair to be brief. After a week of brief hair, they realize that they miss their long hair and begin the cycle around once again. Really, in today's world of the "Justin Bieber Hairdo," a great deal of men are even trying to grow their hair faster.

Hair transplant ny

Well, personally, my hair is still recovering up from a negative haircut. It was essentially sliced into a mullet and also has never totally recuperated. Due to the fact that I want to expand my hair long much faster, like you, and also I am unwell of placing in my expansions daily, I am going to instruct you ways that will properly aid your hair expand quicker.

 1. Try To Maintain Your Hair From Damaging

 The very first thing you can do to aid grow your hair quicker is to eliminate resources of damages.

 Just so you know, I am the * queen * of harmed hair.

 I can't also count the number of times I have actually tinted my hair black, just to bleach it back to platinum blonde once more, as well as backward and forward.

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The last time that I colored my hair platinum blonde, I devoted to keeping it that way. I attempt to go as long as feasible in between hair shades to give it time to heal. Individuals ask me constantly just how my hair is so healthy, soft and also shiny, despite the fact that I bleach it. I am frequently replacing it in between colors. I really like the It's a 10 Miracle Hair Masque. When I go to home, doing tasks, I'll place some conditioner in my hair, put a plastic bag around it, and leave it. Sometimes, I will certainly even sleep with it in my hair. I additionally attempt to maintain my flat-iron usage very little. If you do flat-iron your hair on a daily basis, do make use of a protectant/ conditioning spray, like the HealthySexyHair "Soya Want Apartment Hair Flat Iron Spray", which infuses your hair with healthy protein as you use it. I likewise use protein shampoo/conditioner usually. Foolish Blond by Bedhead is my favorite. Bear in mind that your hair needs greater than simply healthy protein. I reside in Nevada, where there is usually concerning 0% moisture, so from time to time I utilize a Moisturizing Hair shampoo. My preferred is Bedhead Urban Antidotes Healing Level 2. To learn more about keeping blonde hair healthy, click here. You'll never be able to grow your hair much faster, if you are creating continuous damage. Okay, now that we comprehend exactly how vital it is to keep your hair healthy ...

 2. Trim Your Hair Every 6 Weeks

 A lot of individuals do not assume reducing your hair will certainly aid it expand quicker. As well as although, it doesn't make it expand much faster, it will certainly eliminate split ends, which could bring about shorter hair. The very best analogy I have ever heard, is to think about your hair like a piece of rope. When rope begins to fray, you have to shed the item that is frayed, otherwise it will continue to battle royal further up the rope. If you have split ends, and you do not cut them, they may remain to split further up your hair, triggering breakage. Breakage implies much shorter hair. We can not have that if we are attempting to grow it out faster.

 You don't need to cut a great deal of hair off. Just be extremely certain to reveal to your hairstylist that you only wish to trim the ideas of your hair because you are attempting to grow it out, as well as desire the split ends cut off. Also make certain to let them recognize not to remove greater than a quarter/half-inch. The much better communication you provide to your stylist, the much better he/she can comprehend what you want as well as supply it to you.

 3. Take Vitamins

 You possibly constantly hear that prenatal vitamins make your hair grow much faster. I have looked into that topic a whole lot in the past, and it ends up that an abundance of hormones generated while expecting is what truly makes your hair expand, not the prenatal vitamins.

 Here is a hair lesson: For normal people, at any kind of given time, 90% of their hair is in the growth stage, while the various other 10% is in a relaxing stage. This is why your hair grows irregular after a hairstyle. After the resting phase, your hair roots prepares for the losing phase. It is normal for any person to lose concerning 50-100 hair strands each day.

 The enhanced level of estrogen present in expectant females causes Every One Of your hair to stay in it's expanding phase. As a result, you are not shedding any hair (which provides the impact that your hair is growing much faster). Hair structure and shade have also been kept in mind to change during pregnancy. Currently bear in mind, before you hurry out to get pregnant, that expectant females shed a LOTS OF hair after they have a child. This is because the estrogen degree hangs back down to typical, and also they shed all of the hair that they didn't shed while they were expectant.

 So even if prenatal vitamins are a bust, there are still various other vitamins that aid your hair expand much faster. Vitamins rich in B-complex are known to help your hair expand a good deal. Vitamin B-complex contains biotin, folic acid and also insositol which assist rotate the development cycle of your hair quicker than it did before. There is also vitamin B-complex hair shampoo that is stated to aid your hair expand much faster. It is claimed that flax-seed oil, vitamin E, as well as vitamin A all additionally help expand your hair faster. Directly, I have actually made use of the Nioxin Vitamins that are designed for growing hair, and likewise "hair, skin and also nails" tablets, and have seen favorable effects with both of them.

 4. Remove aspects that hamper hair growth

 Remember, that every thing you place in your body appears via your hair. Various sorts of drugs trigger various responses to your hair. Sometimes, medications will certainly trigger a shade or perm to not take, and additionally some can make your hair fall out. Your hair will certainly not expand quicker if you are constantly losing hair. Common types of medicines that trigger loss of hair are Acne medicines, antibiotics, antidepressants, contraception, anti-clotting pills, cholesterol reducing, medicines that suppress the immune system, epilepsy drugs, substance abuse in breast cancer, high-blood stress drugs, hormonal agent replacement, state of mind stabilizers, steroids, weight-loss medicines as well as thyroid medications. It does depend on what dosage you take and also just how sensitive you are to them. I do not know much regarding the wellness sector, so I would suggest talking with a physician concerning what you take.

 Now medicines are a tough point to deal with because a number of us require our medicines. Yet an additional point to keep in mind is that if you are unhealthy, so is your hair. Consuming much healthier food, drinking a great deal of water, not smoking/drinking alcohol are all factors that figure in hair growth.

 Another large problem is tension. Stress and anxiety acts of dreadful things to your body yet can additionally set off loss of hair. It's simpler said than done occasionally, however attempt to de-stress if you desire your hair to grow faster.

 5. Boost your scalp

 There's an old better halves tale that mentions if you comb your hair 100 times every evening prior to you go to rest, it will certainly make your hair expand faster. Not only is that not real, however cleaning your hair is in fact negative for your hair. The bristles obtain caught in little tangles as well as normally tear hair out, creating our adversary: breakage. When your hair is damp, you ought to brush it with a wide-tooth comb to assist eliminate damage.

 There is something called "Scientific Brushing" that is stated to aid grow hair much faster however. It is essential that you use a natural bristle brush and also bear in mind, you are brushing it against your scalp, not your hair. You brush all around your hairline initially, then you comb in 1/2 inch subsections throughout your scalp. When you clean, do a rolling movement. The bristles stimulate and also bring blood circulation to your scalp, which motivates hair to grow faster. Do this prior to you shampoo your hair. I would also brush it first to make sure there are no tangles. Scientific cleaning can additionally aid with dandruff.

 When you shampoo your hair, really massage therapy your scalp. This does the exact same point as the clinical brushing. Often, it's also far better to shampoo your hair two times so you obtain a far better soap. I would certainly invest a few minutes rubbing your scalp. Not just does it help, yet it additionally feels great!

 6. Nioxin/ Invati

 Working in the hair sector, I have actually listened to a lots of good ideas about Nioxin. In fact, I had one customer that especially informed me that it was so odd because hair was expanding so much, and also she had a great deal of brand-new development. She could not figure out why it was growing. I asked her what she made use of. She said "Nioxin". I informed her that Nioxin is developed to make your hair grow and also she didn't also recognize that. Now she's hooked on it for life. She will purchase an additional container before she even goes out, so she never ever has to go without it. It works by cleansing your scalp, getting rid of and also counteracting toxins, cleaning the pores, as well as minimizing scalp inflammation. It likewise cleans hormonal agents from the hair roots that triggers male pattern baldness.

 It's a controversial subject if Nioxin actually functions or otherwise to make hair grow faster. The solution is it works in a different way on everybody. I've listened to individuals say that they've utilized it for months upon months and also seen no difference. I likewise recognize individuals that advocate it. It is not recognized if it actually makes your hair expand faster or just stops you from losing hair. In any case, I believe it works, as well as the truth that it maintains your scalp healthy and balanced, can't harm. I recognize that the very best outcomes are seen when the cleanser, scalp therapy conditioner, as well as the scalp therapy (which you spray on after you leave the shower) are all utilized. I suggest a starter set like this one. I additionally know that it takes a couple of months to begin seeing visible outcomes. I have listened to individuals state that they think Nioxin dries their hair out, but my own individual experience is that it makes my hair really feel very soft and also moisturized when I utilize it.

 Yesterday, it was given my attention that there is a new product similar to Nioxin, made by Aveda, called Invati. I can't actually inform you anything about it, yet it is meant to function well, as well as Aveda goes to trustworthy name, so I would certainly anticipate it to be great.

 7. Consume a lot of protein

 I recognize someone that is obtaining a stomach bypass real quickly. The physicians instructed her that she needs to eat a lot of healthy protein previously, and also after the surgical procedure. The physician informed her that all the additional protein will make her hair expand faster. It makes good sense, right? Hair is composed of 80% healthy protein. If your body is not getting adequate healthy protein, it might not have sufficient to offer your hair roots, and also therefore your hair will grow slower.

 8. Rogaine

 If all else fails, there is constantly Rogaine. Rogaine is the only FDA accepted, over the counter topical drug that is actually confirmed to make your hair expand quicker. Minoxidil is the active ingredient in Rogaine, and precisely how it functions is unproven. It was initially a drug used to treat high blood pressure, yet it turns out that it works much better for growing hair than keeping blood pressure down. A 16 week research study showed that 85% of people using it properly experienced new hair development. Just mild side-effects have actually been reported, consisting of scalp irritation and also itching. I claim its worth a shot!

[the-pen-and-the-stethoscope]

Surgery: halfway point

Heyyyoo!

So tomorrow is my last day on the urology service which means I am officially halfway done the surgery rotation! And so far the verdict is....I am probably not a surgeon. BUT to give the specialty it’s due here are some halfway point reflections:

What my days are like: Most days I pre-round around 5:30 am for rounds at either 6 or 6:15 then I head off to the OR most days and scrub in on surgeries. Some of the cool cases I’ve seen are cystoprostectomy with neobladder, nephrectomy, robotic postectomy, ureteroplasty, and PCNL. Also a lot of cystoscopies and kidney stones. About once a week I’m in clinic working with one attending - these are super chill and I have a lot of free time those days. Then I basically hang out until evening rounds - these are usually between 6 and 7 and then I get to go home and prep for the next day. I’m lucky because my service doesn’t have weekends, but I’m tired enough by Friday night to be more than ok with sleeping in Saturday morning. I’ve had two call nights so far. One was Sunday to Monday - very chill night, nothing going on by 11 pm, to bed early and then got Monday off. And then last night I was on call for my first 24 hour shift! We actually had a lot of consults and were pretty busy until around 2:30 am. So I slept REALLY well when I came home after rounds this morning. 

What I like: I’ve LOVED my team. Everyone is super nice and friendly and funny. They take really good care of me and always make sure I’m eating and rested. They love teaching and giving me tips. I’ve surprisingly loved the actual physical requirements of surgery - like actually getting to suture or be involved in the surgery. Being able to be hands on is really fun for me and way better than just standing and watching the attendings or residents work. I’ve loved a lot of my patients and have really bonded with a couple of them and been so sad to see them discharged. And I really like clinic, especially when my attending lets me do stuff. 

What I don’t like: It’s not that I don’t like surgery so much as it doesn’t get me going as much as other things do. I think it was during my third week of this service that I started dreading getting out of bed in the morning. It was also the week that I spent my first days without eating. It was also the week that I realized I just wasn’t seeing what my residents were seeing when they cut open a body. I mean I was there, I could see the anatomy, but it got boring pretty quick. It’s not that I dislike surgery it’s more that I don’t love it - and I’d really need to love it to put up with these hours. 

Ok that’s what I’ve got for now. On Thursday I’m switching to general surgery and I’ve heard good things about the service I’ll be on (that it’s surprisingly laid back and hands on for medical students) so I am looking forward to it!

Either way I only have three and a half weeks left until this is over. 

[winterune]

So, how is life as a medical student?

This isn’t some article about how life as a medical student is. This is probably just me ranting about how my life has become ever since I became a medical student.

It’s less than two months away from finals now. Finals as in the final three-part comprehensive exams that consisted of written, oral, and practical exams that covered everything from my first to last year of medical school. Before these finals are actually in front of our eyes, I’d hear my friends--well, classmates--complain that our school takes too many years to graduate when all their friends from other faculties or majors have already graduated and they can’t wait to graduate and be a doctor. As for me... well, to be honest I have actually feared the day I would become a doctor because after studying medicine, I really don’t think I’m cut out for this. There were a lot of times that I wonder “what if I drop out? Will I be happier then?” But because of one reason and another, I have this feeling that there’s a reason I was given the chance to study in one of the most prestigious medical school in our country. I should be grateful, so I stayed. This happened on every year. My worst depression about being a med student was on my third year and a couple years later (now), I still don’t think I can be the ideal doctor our professors want us to be. But I’ve embraced the idea that I should just do what I can and hope for the best. 

Now that our finals are just within reach... I don’t know about the others but I had a mental breakdown probably around a month ago or so and now I’m numb, trying to recover whatever will to study and learn I know I once had. It’s a vicious cycle. I seem to only have two moods now. Either I panic over my situation, or I’m numb which led me to procrastinate, when I know I should be studying once my anxiety is gone. And because I procrastinate and nothing’s done, I panic again. And because of this vicious cycle, even now that 2018 is only just over 2 months away, I really can’t see it at all, and it scares me a bit. It’s like there’s a wall, this huge wall that stands around November and December that cover my view of what’s beyond. A mix between my fear of finals and of finally graduating and becoming a doctor (and, I guess, of finally entering society too), I don’t think it’s a surprise that I feel like this. 

I guess, having written that, it’s like I’m only complaining about finals and that my current anxiety/depression is about that. I guess it is. At least, it’s one of the current precipitating factors. But this thing has been accumulating for five years, changing form but always there. 

This is how my life as a medical student is, in chronological order:

Before I entered medical school, I’ve always wanted to be a doctor. At least, I thought I did. It’s something I’ve wanted for since I was small. I wanted to help people. And since I’ve set my goals to enter one of the most prestigious medical school here, I try to get the best grades. I did have my doubts at the end of my high school years. Wondering what if, maybe, I don’t want to be a doctor. What if I pick something else? Like literature study? Or something. I don’t remember my reason then, but I decided to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor. Here, I feel the need to say that me being a doctor was also what my parents wanted. 

First-year. First semester was crap. I didn’t like it. I began asking myself why I was there. Doubting my choice. But that was mostly because of the seniority that we had and because there weren’t much medical subjects to learn. Second semester was better. I heard there was once a student who was smart, and he even got to the final years, but he dropped out, and took a different major. 

Second-year. I began to seriously doubt my ability to become a doctor. It’s not because of the many things we have to learn. I think it’s because of the pressure our professors put on us. I hated that. I can’t work under pressure. I felt the need to be that ideal doctor our professors want but to be that ideal doctor, you need to be smart, and I can’t be like that. I began to wonder what if I drop out and took English Literature major or something. 

Third-year. Worst depression concerning do I really want to be a doctor? Again: the pressure, feeling that I’m not cut out for this, that this isn’t my place. What if I read the signs wrong? What if I was put here so I know that I’m not cut out for it? That there’s something else that I should do? I began to feel that medicine is cold. I began to genuinely consider dropping out and going overseas to take a creative writing major or something. I felt like I’d be happy then. I felt like I’d be happy just to leave this place. But I stayed because I’m not strong enough to leave. Or did I stay because I’m strong enough to choose to stay? I don’t know. I just felt like I was given this chance and I should be grateful and shouldn’t waste it. The best I could do was to see this through the end. So I did. 

Fourth-year. The first half was okay. There’s not much going on. A break, I think. Now the second part. We entered our first clinical rotation. A major rotation. This actually went on from the second half of fourth-year to first half of fifth-year, but I’m going to put it all here and talk about my major clinical rotation. I learned a lot of things here. 1) The idea that I shouldn’t try to be ideal but just to do what I can and hope for the best. You have no idea how this calmed me greatly. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I finally could imagine my life as a doctor. I finally found that enjoyment treating people. Though I still hated studying here and I still hated the education system and I still hated the pressure everyone’s giving and I’m still not good at talking to people and I’m especially not good at oral exams, but I finally found my peace with my inner battle. But I had my highest level of frustration yet in my major clinical rotation. I think I was a bit dysthymia from three and a half years of depression/anxiety accumulation (well now five years since my mood is generally low). I wasn’t entirely depressed but I didn’t have that will to study anymore. It’s all a blur. I don’t remember much of it tbh. Plus, I'd thought that I was out of place and I didn’t fit in with the environment, nor my friends. 2) I still wondered if I could be a doctor. 3) I hated working in the ER room. I learned that I’m really not cut out for it. 

Fifth-year. Minor clinical rotation. A new group of people, and I think one of the best times I have had since I entered medical school. Everyone’s so chill. No pressure at all. I love them. Plus, there weren’t a lot of pressures in the rotations either, except one--which everyone hates. After a year of frustration and numbness, I finally found that will to study again. But then the rotations has ended and we’re in a new class and everyone’s different and I hated that I had to adapt again and I hate this new class and everyone hates this new class and everyone’s frustrated or depressed over this and I just want school to end. Like seriously. We’re all tired. At least most of us. And in this state of exhaustion, there are exams we need to worry about, and I really can’t live like this. I’ve managed to calm down though. I just hope I can maintain this state of mind until our national exam early next year. 

So, like my friend just said:

Me: “How is life as a medical student?” Friend: “It’s great :D” *dying inside* 

Yes, I do think we’re slowly and painfully dying inside

[danahmbisyosangdoktora]

HI GUYS!!!! Oh my, it’s been a looooooong while. I actually went through my blog and re-read everything and I’ve noticed that I was always saying how “I don’t know what to and how to do blogging anymore” in most of my previous posts but I PROMISE THIS TIME, I LEGIT DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE OR HOW DO I DO THIS ANYMORE because I haven’t done this for like forever. It felt like I’m starting again!!! Okay sige, I’m not gonna babble more. Let’s just hop right into my post.

Okay, so as what I’ve mentioned on my previous posts, I’ve entered Third Year or the Medtech proper last school year 2016-2017 and that’s (also) the reason why I was gone for a very long time. Idk, I just found myself being swallowed by acads and all that jazz that I never really had the time to write a single blogpost. There’s so much that has happened in my entire Third Year life and I wish I could’ve had written any of’em and immortalize the memories on this blog and hark back to those times... but sadly, I didn’t. Anyway, as you can probably tell on the title, this post would be a “rundown” of my experience as a Third Year Medical Technology student.

(Wait, how do I start?)

We started the school year earlier than the normal students in our university due to the reason that we were trying to chase the schedule for the 1-year internship so everything would fit and we would end just right on time for the graduation (yikes chills) because as you all know, we are one of those pabibo schools who embraced the academic calendar shift. So the clinical subjects I took this year are as follows:

1st Semester

MIC111 – Bacteriology

PAR100 – Clinical Parasitology

GPHC100 – General Pathology, Histopathology and Cytopathology

CC111 – Routine Clinical Chemistry

HEMA111 – Hematology 1

MTLBE100 – Medical Technology Laws and Bioethics

LMS100 – Laboratory Management and Supervision

2nd Semester

MIC112 – Mycology and Virology

UBF100 – Urinalysis and Body Fluids (Clinical Microscopy)

HEMA112 – Hematology 2

SIM100 – Serology and Immunology

CC112 – Continuation of CC1/ Special Chemistry

CC113 – Endocrinology, Toxicology and Drug Testing

IMH100 – Immunohematology (Blood Banking and Transfusion Medicine)

 I can’t believe I already passed all these subjects let alone the first sem subjects!!!! Personally, I think First semester is harder than the Second Semester idk maybe because it’s the time when we were just and still adapting to the new and toxic environment of Third Year life and the transition is quite overwhelming. Also, the passing rate was raised from 60% in Second Year to 70% in Third Year. I CAN’T EVEN!!! Plus the laboratory practical exams had an upgrade to like 5x that of the Second Year pracs. There’s legit a time when I went back to my dorm during lunch break just to cry because of a practical exam and a fair share of tears were shed at nights when I have no idea how to fit and finish everything before the sunrise. Also there’s a day when, for the first time in my life, I called my mom after I got back in my dorm from school and cried for my dear life because EVERYTHING WAS SO HARD.

It’s also during First Semester when I learned how essential it is to know the time difference from night (let’s say 7pm) to 5am the next day and how to utilize it very well because your life literally depends on how you manage and distribute it to sleeping and studying because you know, you’ll only have to read 1-3 chapters per subject and you only have like 3 quizzes the next day for the lecture and probably a practical exam or a long quiz for the laboratory in the afternoon. JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PREPARE FOR THAT IN LESS THAN 10HRS???--- is all I was thinking then. That’s how resentful and pitiful I was back then.

We were taught the laboratory skills we need— Venipuncture (of course! the freaking highlight and a must), Blood Smearing, Staining, Pipetting!! Oh God forbid, I loathe glass pipetting so much! Direct Fecal Smear... and all medtech-y skills. I love Bacteriology so much. It was the subject I got the highest grade during First Semester. The lecture and laboratory were both the bomb.com. But ofc, I wouldn’t forget the anxiety the Unknown has given us. For our finals in the lab, we were given unknown organisms and we were to identify it via Biochemical Testing and everything we were taught of on how to identify such. It took me so long to decide what my organism was because some of the biochemical test results weren’t at par with theoretical information so imagine my anguish. Our grades basically depended on it so... yeah.

 but in the end, I decided it was Enterobacter cloacae.

Another memory from First Semester is the time when we were to submit Enterobius swabs as additional points for our Parasitology laboratory. I took my bestfriend with me to hunt down possible patients. It was such a memorable experience, I have no more words. I poured all the feels on this Facebook post.

 Also, I’ll never forget about First Semester is the day when we had our Grand Practical Exam in our laboratory subjects and it was the time when 3rd Floor HSC was in a total dishevelment. We were taking turns and rotating in different labs to have our moving practical exams simultaneously--- one section is having their Histopath moving pracs, the other is having their Bacte moving pracs, then another section is on the roil in Hematology moving pracs while the other one is having their Parasitology Moving Pracs and the like. That was the most intense day ever imaginable.

Also on that day, was the first time I was able to extract blood on a practical exam!!! I can never forget how stupid I may have looked for shouting “Hala may dugo” when blood oozed out from my partner’s vein. I was never able to bleed my partner in almost all the practicals we had due to my infamous phobia with needles and I was legit surprised and awed when a blood came out that day!!!

For the events of Second Semester... I’m not really sure?? lol even though it’s the more recent semester, I can’t remember much from it coz it went like a blur to me. It was so fast it was so unreal that it actually happened!!! (and that I passed!)

Okay. One thing I could say about Second Semester is that I fancy UBF hahahaha I’m not sure if it’s the subject itself or teacher factor hahahaha but to be honest, it was so fun to study and probably the easiest of the panel of subjects for second semester (or so I thought).

The laboratory learning and insights this semester gave me more of the medtech feels because most of the experiments/tests we did in the lab were the ones that are being performed in the actual laboratory setting. I will never forget the struggle of dilution in Serology lab. We aren’t allowed to use calculators during the entire semester and of course as someone who absolutely hates math and computation, that’s. the. worst. nightmare. ever. So given that situation, imagine our surprise during the Final Laboratory Written examination when our instructor finally allowed us to use calculator. Everybody in the class was in awe because that’s super unexpected. We didn’t have much of moving practical exams this sem compared to the numerous ones we had on first semester. The practical exams this time were more like skills-based and principle application. Slide identification-kind-of-moving practicals was surprisingly nakakamiss.

Self-pity time: Two semester have passed and no one was able to extract blood from me huhuhu do I even have veins??? :------(

Just to give you some insight, there are:

4 major examinations in each lecture subjects

2 major written examination in each laboratory subjects

(100-item identification)

Moving Practical Exam in each laboratory subjects

Skills/Application Practical Exam in each laboratory subjects

Pre and post quizzes in every meeting in each lecture subjects

Pre and post quizzes in every laboratory experiments

Long Quizzes every after chapter

Long Quizzes before major examination in each lecture subject

Long Quizzes before major examination in each laboratory subjects

Surprise quizzes whenever the professor would like

Not to mention the drawings of each specimen in laboratory manuals in each laboratory subject

2 Journal readings in each lecture subject

So ayun, hindi po kami OA and nag-iinarte. Our lives literally revolve in exams and quizzes.

Moving on, last May 09, we had our Pre-Internship Program which is a prerequisite before you can proceed to the actual internship. On that exact day,we took a 700-item Diagnostic Examination without any notice and I literally just came back from an 8-hour trip because I went home in Bicol so I was sitting for like 14 hours straight!!! We had series of practical examinations for two weeks, a Phlebotomy seminar with BD Philippines, a tour in a National Reference Laboratory which is the National Kidney Institute and an Oral Revalida.

CAUTION: Photospam ahead.

I’m not sure if this is enough to summarize everything because I can feel that it’s not even in the slightest bit justified on this post. Maybe it’s one of the wonders of life that cannot be really put into words. (But you tried, self what are you doing hahaha)

Suffice to say that all these experiences; the nerve-racking and heartbreaking quizzes, no-sleep days, tears, sweats, blood (hahahaha legit), cramming moments and all other hardships are the variables which played significant roles in this endeavour which lead me to where I am heading right now. I’m so happy and proud to share to you guys the next step I’m taking in this career path. I am now officially a Medical Technology Intern at St. Luke’s Medical Center – Quezon City under the Institute of Pathology. I know, I can’t believe it myself that I was able to pass through the needle-hole like hurdle you call “Third Year life”. SLMC is actually my first-in since we are to undergo 1-year internship and we will be having our second-in next semester in another hospital.

 I will be forever thankful to Trinity University of Asia especially to Dean Rodriguez for always making sure that the quality of education/ training is there. Thank you for a super hands-on laboratory experience and our very own DIagnostic Laboratory in the 4th Floor. It’s like a simulation of the environment that we will be facing in the near future. Would also like to thank our Clinical Instructors:

Mam Majo Liao

Sir Jude Anthony Trinidad

Dra. Mary Anne Isip

Sir Mark Francisco

Sir Mel Destacamento

Mam Gigi Dayrit

Mam Violie Bascao

Mam Suzzette Lumanga

Mam Rona Gonzaga

Sir Joshua Descamparado

Sir Nikko Onate

Mam Krystal Tio

 for gearing us up with all the lectures, wisdom and skills that we would need  to be the Medical Technologists that we are aiming to be.

 ---------------------------

Other significant life events during the course of Third Year life:

 I became an Altar Server at the Shrine of Jesus the Divine Word. Hashtag dream come true.

I was elected Medical Technology Councilor in the University Student Council. Hashtag unreal.

All glory and praise to the Lord God above. Thank you for guiding me in almost everything I do. Thank you also St. Jude Thaddeus for interceding for me. Forever grateful and blessed.

That’s pretty much how I can sum up my Third Year life. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thank you so much for reading yet another long blog post of mine. See you on my next post (hopefully there’s a next)!!!

[lukecmurray]

2016 Review

Last year I spent several days (and well over a dozen hours) reviewing 2015. This is a drastic improvement from 2006, when I spent several months reviewing the previous year. But still, the process could be improved. So, I spent about a half-dozen hours going over my process (see my previous post for lessons learned from that) and am going to hopefully finish reviewing 2016 in just a couple of hours. This will be a beast of a post, but should only be a single post. Here’s the structure I’ll use.

Why am I doing this?

Already did this last  year, will just revisit and revise it for this year.

What did i do?

The highlights of what happened in each month, plus how many total checkins I had that month and lessons learned.

Best and worst things that happened.

Will likely be pulled from the above list.

Habits analysis

How much progress did I make with each habit?

Is it still a good habit? (keep/toss/change?)

What are the biggest barriers to crushing it and ideas to overcome those barriers?

Themes analysis

Love

Unplug

Core values

How well did I live them?

Expected vs. Actual

What things did I want to get done, vs. what did I actually get done?

WHY AM I DOING THIS

Last year, I clarified the reasons I spend several hours (and even days) at the beginning of each year going over the previous year in nauseating detail:

Make new/different mistakes

Get more accurate w/goals vs. reality. Get my expectations closer to reality, without lowering my standards or ambitions.

Increase my ability to accomplish goals

To record things, so that I have a sense of having lived, of having “done things”, of having moved forward in my life.

I would still consider these to be accurate, but I would summarize the first three by saying this:

"I do these yearly reviews to tighten my 'wisdom feedback loop'."

I wrote about what the 'unlived life within us' means to me: Decreased clutter and increased clarity. This, I think, is the essence of what wisdom in action looks like. So if I'm a) always making new and mistakes instead of old ones b) shrinking the gap between my expectations/plans and my reality, while c) increasing the difficulty of tasks to which I aspire, then I'm increasing my velocity towards becoming my definition of 'wisdom in action'. Or, tightening the wisdom feedback loop.

I also want to add another reason for doing this: To help others accomplish the same things.

I don't mean that they will have the same goals, but if they have the same reasons, I can help them. I've done this process in increasingly less wrong ways every year since I was 18.  And each 'less wrong' process makes me that much more valuable to people that are trying to do the same.  

Also, I mean this in both a virtual and physical capacity. Nobody reads this blog, so I don't expect that I'll be able to help lots of folks virtually in January 2017, but perhaps months or years from now people may discover it and use it to improve their own process for self improvement.  I'm sitting next to my good friend Mike (pictured above) and he interrupts me every few minutes to ask about how I do x, y, or z and my advice to him is always based in personal experience...based on a lot of wrong ways that I've done these reviews over the years.  Hopefully I can help facilitate more of these in-person sessions and be valuable because of the work I've put in for the past 15 years.

WHAT DID I DO IN 2016?

tried to get into car flipping

got ATLS certified

almost got a job in Owenton ER

broke up a fight in the middle of the street

BL summit

failed to get an in-person personal assistant onboarded

lived in Vegas: iora, boosted board adventures, time w/cousin’s fam

INSIGHTS - this was one of my best months ever and i didn’t bring my cell phone to vegas at all and I stopped at 7pm sharp every day.

clinic, then chief on service

INSIGHTS 

I wrote about being worried to hit a burnout wall after my great January month, and this is what I wrote in the second week of feb "I did hit that wall (screwed around for 2 hrs on thursday PM)...but then recovered and have done okay since, and in the grand scheme of things, that's AMAZING for me (only screwing around for 2 hrs)."  That's how in the zone I was - I complained about 2 hrs.

i turned down a lot of things to stay in the zone - ski weekends, a wedding in Oregon

After one of my best weeks ever in the history of recording checkins: "Why?It wasn't trying harder. It was saying no, keeping my head clear, and getting up really early to knock out all the stuff that I'd usually put off until the end of the day. It feels like a miracle, like I'm a new person. It gives me an insane amount of confidence...So remarkable that the true answer to how to make such dramatic change is basically: do less, say no, cut out the BS...if you do that, all you should be left with is your own voice, and it's plenty wise enough."

chief on service, then clinic

called friends in the evening for awhile

Michelle got sick

Annabelle was born

AMSA speech: Med Students & Adversity

Fancy Nick engagement party #1

INSIGHTS - was getting up at 5am in feb, this got thrown off by a couple days worth of surprises and never recovered. 

Derm rotation, became great friends with Dr. Tobin

last night with Nick as roomate

Nick bachelor party

Nick getting married

took FM boards

delivered baby

South Africa...which included

time in the hospital

going to mosque, buying Quran, time with Uncle

cape point sunset

getting lost on table mountain

run through newlands forrest

robben island/nelson mandela jail cell

rondebosch garden

hiked lionshead

bungee jumped world’s highest

ostrich farm

snowboarded (indoors)

met some cool girls & camped at storms river

INSIGHTS

last year i spent a month abroad and totally fell off the wagon...did incredible by comparison this time. learned from last time.

recording what i did each day really added significantly to the richness of that experience it, because i get to re-experience those memories

Geriatrics, then clinic

Meacham

double date with Dr. Tobin

passed boards

did graduation roast speech, and tried to get drunk

started working out consistently b/c elevated BF % s/p Africa

got UK job

Florida trip to negotiate with landlord

Dale Hollow houseboat trip with Amy’s family

moved into RV, LOTS of time working on it & hosting friends in it

Samuel helped work on the RV, became my friend

family trip down in GA

marriages: Emily Wehrley. Stu Brenner.

INSIGHTS

friends went on a surfing trip to charleston and i turned it down, hard to do, glad i did

“#1 HAVING A MORNING ROUTINE THAT KNOCKS OUT A BIG CHUNK OF THESE <habits> GUARANTEED....I'M JUST TOO ANXIOUS TO INVEST THIS TIME IN THE AM...BUT THAT'S WHAT I SAID IN MEDICAL SCHOOL THAT KEPT ME OUT OF THE GYM FOR YEARS. Wow, i really need to work on controlling anxiety/pressure in the moment.”

went low carb

worked on RV, RV expo

trip to Charleston b/c friend got sick, surfed

started my autobiography

scanned all family photo albums

visited all my old friends

GA visit b/c Melissa back from deployment

Pa visit x 1 wk

INSIGHTS

While in Charleston “it's REALLY hard to steer when you feel pulled all over the place by circumstances. but the consequences of ignoring those circumstances and plowing through are mostly illusory...i could only stop by <the hospital> for one hour 3 times per day and that would be PLENTY of visiting time. i could then spend the rest of the day working by myself”

While scanning photos “why do i feel behind? b/c I am compared to the schedule i made for myself at the beginning of the year. pretty silly to be operating off of a plan you made 6 months ago.”

time with family/grandparents in OR + coast...SUPER quality time

surfing in OR

writing autobio

Spout Springs visit

credentialing for job

pendelton roundup, deck with dad, Bethany visit

garrett NYC proposal trip + Adeel + Chris Salotta visit

INSIGHT

time with gparents was some of the best & most important things I did all year

best month of checkins in ever (4 yrs!!)...not sure why

freaked out about every friend i have getting married/engaged. changed my priority to emotionally fulfilling hangouts instead of caring about ‘romantic relationships’

installed solar panels

autoB progress

started talking/helping Aalap with SignalHealth - DC conference

Such family camping trip

started Curt book

first shift at UK as employee

surf trip to SC with Raney’s

job apps

moved into jenna’s

comedy club with dr tobin

long weekend with DP & friends

ehof - board meeting, event

accomplished my NY resolution!

G life transition meetings

job apps

started Murray Medical, LLC

hurt myself w/flag football

confirmed BIAB project/EHOF book

global entrep week

alejandra x 1 wk, visited everywhere + beaufort

such appreciation dinner

started work at KDMC

INSIGHT

after an 80 checkin week “best week i've ever had in my life. a LOT of it was about saying no to the camping trip this weekend. that was hard, but i'm proud of myself for doing it. also got to practice not feeling sorry for myself by wishing i was somewhere else.”

worked every day at KDMC

Freeda adventures/challenges

brought back 2 people from codes

ski trip with friends at PNS

INSIGHT

Working 34 days in a row was awesome because it created a routine that allowed me to consistently do lots of things (besides work) and improve at a much faster pace in my medical skills & knowledge.

BEST AND WORST OF 2016

BEST

finishing residency & passing boards

not getting a job - was scary, but this provided me the freedom to do lots of other 'life list' important things

having one metric that mattered and tracking that only - doubled down on using coach.me and accomplished my NY resolution for the first time in my life

also...

gave med student adversity speech

Annabelle was born

nick marriage/end of a great roomate run

south africa month

RV - doing what i said

quality time - vegas, grandparents, parents, friends, surfing

WORST

I didn't grow in my romantic relationships as much as i did in 2015 - In 2015 i grew a lot by having the goal to be "terrifyingly honest" in relationships. I didn't push myself to that standard this year and stagnated as a result.

also...

things took longer than I thought - but that was good lesson to learn because it forced me to accept and live by realistic timelines, and because i didn't have a job I could follow all the way through on my plans

RV was more work than expected (example of above) - i first was glad that i spent time getting to know the RV and how to fix things, but i got to the point where i don't care to 'learn' more, i'd rather spend that time being a doctor and use the money made to pay a professional.

i got broke - i coasted on credit cards in the interim between residency and starting a job and got pretty close to 100% broke - but this was also a lesson that was important. things cost more money than you expect and if they are really priorities, then you've got to pay the price, in both time and money.

HABITS ANALYSIS

In my recent post “My Goals for 2017″ I said:

“Last year my goal was to check in to more daily habits on coach.me. And I crushed it. And it had the ripple effect of me crushing a bunch of other areas of my life...when using the 'total number of checkins metric’ I improved 107% since last year and 60% over my best year ever (2013).”

This was the only metric that I tracked week over week. And because of that, for the first time ever, I consistently did week reviews where I knew how far ahead or behind I was from my overall goal (eg on July 1, I should have 1,000 checkins for the year, if I had 1,100 at that point, I would note that I was 10% ahead of schedule). Making this the only metric that I tracked had a positive affect on lots of the parts of my life - most obviously, on each of the areas the specific habit addressed.

So, now I’m going to take each goal and ask:

How much progress did I make?

Is it still a good habit? (keep/toss/change?)

What are the biggest barriers to crushing it and ideas to overcome those barriers?

progress vs 2015: 272 checkins vs 117 checkins. 132% improvement.

I didn't feel like i was growing in this in 2015. I was doing it but didn't feel more calm/mindful throughout the day, which is the whole point. Late this year I downloaded several meditation apps and HeadSpace stood out as far and away the best one.  I've spent at least $100 total at this point and I really am growing in this super important area.  I catch myself (the most important part) getting anxious, frustrated, distracted, etc. and then use the techniques I've learned from this app to get back to calm. Probably the best money I spent all year in terms of its return on my health.

keep/toss/change: definitely keep, continue progress with headspace app

barriers: just making the time, but i'm at a point where i like this enough that it doesn't take discipline. sometimes i do it when i'm tired and don't get much out of it. On those days I should consider doing it twice - the second time when I'm not exhausted.

progress vs 2015: 233 checkins vs 111 checkins. 110% improvement

In 2015 wrote about wanting to feel clear-headed after walking away from a session of reviewing goals & 'visioncasting' and i didn't have a good process for it at the time. Surprising to see that this was still an issue as of the end of 2016. i came up with a system just a couple days ago that will hopefully help with this and i think the reason this will work is because of my improved mental condition/focusing of the mind that came from meditating. Glad to see how long this problem has existed. Should motivate me to solve it this year.

keep/toss/change: keep it as a goal, but changed it as noted above to have some structure

barriers: lack of clarity - which I have now

progress vs 2015: 138 checkins vs 77 checkins. 78% improvement

Posted 60+ things this year, (< 30 last year), did much better, big realization is that this was streaky. Another great example of being able to keep consistent tabs on something because you kept all your data collection in one place (I kept track of all my writing progress on coach.me, including using the notes section to keep track of  when I posted stuff). 

keep/toss/change: I would like to actually start sharing my content somehow. This probably means fiddling with marketing, setting some goals about viewership, but I feel like this might do two negative things: 1. scare me off from writing and 2. change what/how I write.  So will probably at least track viewership or something. 

barriers: none for posting on this blog. Barriers to working on larger projects (book, etc.) are the same that used to (and sometimes still do) keep me from publishing on this blog. Namely: fear. I think the answer for that is writing with friends. Going to try to schedule writing hangouts, even if only brief ones. 

progress vs 2015: 210 checkins vs 80 checkins. 163 % improvement

Goal last year was 200, actual was 80. this year i didn't have a goal but hit 210. Hell. Yes!  Big realization here was starting with one small thing at a time. I went on a streak from august where I added one new thing to my physical health regimen each month, and kept it going consistently until late november, when I got injured playing football, then had a friend visit from out of town for a week, then went on a 34-day straight work assignment away from home. I took January off (though I still had 4 checkins that month + 8 days of skiing, vs my monthly average of 6.7 in 2015) and have been on track 100% thus far this month.

keep/toss/change: change to one small thing I'm doing that month to improve my health. Keep track of it in the notes of exercise. 

barriers: injury (don't play football!).  Simplicity/low bar - adding one small thing per month put me on course to have the best 4 months of physical health progress in years...maybe ever.

progress vs 2015: 153 checkins vs 56 checkins. 173% improvement.

This is a keystone habit. If I do this then everything else goes better. I realized this last year and wrote about how important it was. This year I had the second highest amount of improvement of all my habits (except for eat the frog, which was 193% improvement). I’m super proud of myself for making such amazing progress on this...but it still is the 9th most checked into habit out of 12. As one of the most important habits it should be one of the most checked into. 

keep/toss/change: keep - and double down on it! again!

barriers:  Make sure to identify it when planning the day and checking it off when you do it, even if it’s not a specific action (e.g. if you stayed calm all day).

progress vs 2015: 51 checkins vs 82 checkins. -38 % decrease

I don't have this anymore....but the bigger lesson here is 'what's the thing that causes the background static/stress in your life and what's your process for getting rid of it or ignoring it?'

keep/toss/change: already tossed it, but getting out of my email inbox is my #1 goal for Q1 of 2017 and I'm well on my way. Also, to get rid of the static - my visioncasting format really is helpful in clearing my head to do this.

barriers: I'm addicted to my email inbox. Need to CREATE barriers (and an alternative outlet) to keep me out of it.

progress vs 2015:  113 checkins vs 83 checkins. 36% improvement

i crushed the boards, studying 37 days before taking it (about 83 times the year before total). Totally didn’t deserve that. So no clue what happened there. Then i got a bit lost on what 'studying' made sense. i started with reading a book summary every day, which felt like i was accomplishing something, but none of the content really stuck, even when i reviewed my highlights on the weekends. then changed to tax books, which was awesome bc i wanted to learn that stuff. i still need to nail down what this means and then pick a bite-sized way to chip at it.  I also expect this to change often. I kept track of actual studying vs expected for awhile, which was motivational, as was just hearing that another resident friend of mine was working her ass off. Just hearing her say that she studied 2 hrs per day in addition to her residency duties lit a fire under me.

keep/toss/change: change continually, should be part of planning my day

barriers: lack of clarity on what this means, get rid of it by deciding what it means when i plan my day

progress vs 2015: 348 checkins vs 183 checkins. 90% improvement

Went OFF on this. not sure why other than that it's something you can get away with skipping a day here and there and still check in later. also stopped rating the days - not sure why i did this, other than i couldn't put a number when i tried to think of it. hopefully this is a reflection of an improved attitude and a better acceptance of my life, along with less judgement, which I wrote about on my birthday. 

keep/toss/change: keep, might revitalize the 'today' project, because when I read through my summaries of each day they spark certain memories...but a photo does that so much better.

barriers: none...but might be if I start expecting myself to take a picture.

progress vs 2015: 252 checkins vs 145 checkins. 74% improvement

i've ended up doing this during my 'think about goals' time, which is not when it's supposed to happen. but everything i wrote about this goal last year, applies to this year 

“I’m afraid to do this sometimes, especially if i’m not in bed on time & am tired….because i have to come to terms with all the things i will not get to do tomorrow. But then i end up just feeling sad and like “damn, tomorrow’s going to really suck because i won’t be able to get everything done that i want, and i’m bummed that i didn’t get what i wanted to get done today, too.” Wow, writing that. What a crummy/unintelligent strategy for ending your day.  I HAVE to stop with energy/motivation in the tank so I’ll have the willpower left to accept what has happened that day & decide what i’m going to do the next day…because when I do do this, it really does feel mentally freeing & motivating for getting up in the morning…i literally don’t want to wake up in the morning when I haven’t done this because I just have this ball of vague stress to great me that I feel: “Well, not sure what all this stuff is that i need to do but i know that i’m not going to be able to get as much of it done as i want to and even what i decide to work on i probably won’t get finished which is going to give me a feeling of being even more 'behind’…so yeah - not pumped about this day”. What a terrible cycle of not-awesome!  Glad I articulated the concept of paying the opportunity cost of planning up front.”

 This even happened during my 6 months off, or on days i was truly supposed to be 'on vacation'. the idea of 'i don't want to wake up tomorrow'.  That was a big surprise because i thought it was because of my job. It turns out it was totally because of my attitude - which was affected by my expectations (pay opportunity cost up front) and my energy. I need to manage both of those.

keep/toss/change: keep, but try not to do it until AFTER you've meditated and taken a high level view of your life (visioncasting/reviewing goals) so that you have the right mindset when planning the day.

barriers: my attitude at the end of the day. not wanting to wake up, addressed above.

progress vs 2015: 126 checkins vs 43 checkins. 193% improvement

This was one of the top two most important things on my list to improve from last year...and I did it! This was the most improvement of any of my goals. However, I still have lots of room to get better at this, as it was only the 9th most checked into goal I had. 

keep/toss/change:  keep. duh.

barriers: just having the courage to identify it when planning the day, and then checking it off at the end of the day.

progress vs 2015: 45 checkins vs 18 checkins. 150% improvement 

These were too long and I didn’t have a central place to put them. I changed it and put EVERYTHING in my notes instead of on a spreadsheet or somewhere else and that 100% solved the problem. It kept me keeping track of my progress throughout the year. This little checkin session helped recalibrate me and actually fed my feedback loop. 

keep/toss/change: change to track my 4 goals for the year.

barriers: none. just keep the time expectation down at 10min.

progress vs 2015: 130 checkins vs 68 checkins. 91% improvement

This is a goal that sneaks up on you because the problem is pretty much never solved (my back hurts every day and every night). In retrospect I had an amazing year with it. I was able to sleep on my back for a couple nights in South Africa, was able to stand for significant amounts of time without significant pain, and even let myself be active (i.e. sprinting) to push the boundaries of what’s possible for my back.

keep/toss/change: change by continuing to try new methods and seeing what works

barriers: this is all about minimal time commitment (5-10 min) and building from there, because some of the stretches feel SO GOOD that once I do a few of them I get more into it.

THEMES ANALYSIS

Love

I didn't set the standard of being “terrifyingling honest” so I didn’t get out of (or into situations) fast enough, or at all. 

I also had a breakdown when a bunch of friends got married on the same weekend (felt like I was ‘alone’ or doing something wrong) & redefined what this meant. Ultimately, I’m not worried or ‘empty’ because I’m missing out on physical intimacy, what I’m missing is emotional connection, or interactions that fill my emotional tank. So now that’s what I’m doing - focusing on those kinds of interactions, and turning down ones that are anything less than 8/10 in this respect.

Also, part of this is giving/being selfless and it motivated my goal for this year.

Unplug

I spent time at the cabin and other time just alone, and it was good. Read Deep Work twice. Probably could have said 'no' a little bit more often, especially near the end of the year. Am realizing more and more that this is the ‘answer’ in so many ways. 

CORE VALUES

This is the third year I’ve tried to systematically focus on one core value per week. I didn't do this consistently. I want to give up on it...but so did Ben Franklin. I now have it in my daily visioncasting so I think I'm okay with that. 

EXPECTED VS ACTUAL

At the beginning of the year I listed out what I wanted to happen week to week all year long. It stressed me out once I fell behind this, and I wanted to somehow keep an updated sense of how many iterations happened and what changes were made. I quickly found that keeping track of the iterations was a huge hassle. So this year I’m just trying to book out my calendar really far in advance and chunk it at a high level (i.e. this week I had off and just blocked off “finances/admin” for the week). 

I’ll publish my ‘takeaways’ from this review, as well as things to do differently in 2017 in a later post. 

First Draft: 1/21/17

Published: 3/21/17

Time: 20+ hrs

Image Credit: me, and my buddy Mike Leek

[spursroundup]

Ranking all Tottenham signings since the sale of Gareth Bale

Hey everyone! It's a very slow day at work and I've been daydreaming about actually signing someone in the upcoming transfer window which led me to thinking about all the past incoming transfers. Selling Gareth Bale was the point that I believe Tottenham started to move into the next phase to where the club is at now. So here you have it, every signing ranked since the summer Bale left for Real Madrid:

.30) Vincent Janssen

Poor guy... It's tough to put him at the very bottom as he has shown brief glimpses of quality here and there (especially in his first year). However, going from a 25+ million pound signing and top scorer in the Netherlands to not even having your name or number on the match day program is pretty awful.

29) Clinton N'Jie

Someone who had so little impact on Spurs that it's tough to even say anything about him here. Never really showed what he was capable of and was sold fairly quickly after being bought.

28) DeAndre Yedlin

Strange signing even when it happened. Never showed that he had the quality for a side at Tottenham's level at any point during his career. However, he was fairly cheap, brought in some new fans from America, and is still doing a passable job at Newcastle.

27) Federico Fazio

He should feel hard done by with this transfer. Honestly he is a fairly capable CB on his day. He was just so slow and with the way Spurs play with the high line was just never going to do a good job.

26) Roberto Soldado

It hurts me to put his name so far down this list as he showed more heart than many others. He just never could quite get the confidence he needed and couldn't score from open play. We'll always have that goal against Everton though :')

25) Pau Lopez

Forgot we even signed this guy to be honest. I can't even remember if he made a single appearance for the first team. He was cheap (or even signed on a free?) though so he isn't in dead last. Yay.

24) Vlad Chiriches

The most terrified I've ever been watching a Tottenham CB. You never knew what he would do next whether it be lob it over an oncoming attacker's head or give away a PK in the 3rd minute of a game. Was never a stable part of the Tottenham back line.

23) Benjamin Stambouli

Nothing much to say about him. Never was quality enough and it was tough to understand the transfer at all.

22) Etienne Capoue

Another one in the similar vein to Stambouli, but Capoue did show good flashes here and there. Still doing a solid job for Watford so good on him.

21) Georges-Kevin N'Koudou

Similar to N'Jie in that he came from France as a pacey winger and never did much. He did jump like 5 spots in this final ranking though for that cross to beat Fulham this year. What a guy.

20) Kevin Wimmer

Was an absolute world beater that one season filling in for an injured Vertonghen, then never found form again. Strange career with Spurs and still hasn't been able to pick up form again at Stoke. While I was sad to see him go, I was mainly heartbroken that Son lost his best friend.

19) Michel Vorm

I guess you could call Michel Vorm a serviceable backup to Lloris? Never made any huge blunders from what I can remember, but a lack of game time and major positives put him far down the list.

18) Paulinho

Won't ever forget his inspired half against stoke before the dirty prick Charlie Adam put him out for a few months. More of a problem of AVB's brand of football than Paulinho's actual ability (as evident by him being pretty good for Barcelona of all teams), but he never seemed to show up for Tottenham.

17) Paulo Gazzaniga

Ok honestly, I made this list and I think he should be ranked higher. But, it's hard to justify with the very limited time he's had so far. He's been as good of a backup as you could hope for but there just isn't a large enough sample size to justify ranking him higher, especially with Lloris still being as good as he is. If this list is re-made in two years it's very possible Gazzaniga is ranked much higher.

16) Juan Foyth

Young but with lots of promise, Foyth is one to watch for the future for sure. Very prone to errors but is energetic and pretty skilled from what I've seen thus far.

15) Serge Aurier

Not quite the RB replacement we have all been clamoring for, but been good enough to be a solid rotation option with...

14) Kieran Trippier

Trippier just edges out Aurier in these rankings by virtue of being with Tottenham for longer. Neither are quite strong enough to be the first-team RB for Spurs (and I hope RB is something that's addressed this summer) but either is a fine choice.

13) Nacer Chadli

Again, partly a fault of AVB's system, but Chadli showed flashes of excellence while also being a consistently decent player. Never one to really be the star of the team, but had enough goals and assists to justify his price tag and was a solid staple of the squad for a few years.

12) Fernando Llorente

Yes he runs like a newborn giraffe but you can't deny that he has scored some CRUCIAL goals for Spurs this season. He was signed to come in and show experience and class when Kane can't play and he has done that as much as he could.

11) Ben Davies

People sometimes forget that there was a time when Ben Davies was regularly keeping Rose on the bench due to his consistency and defensive quality. Never quite as good as Rose at going forward but he has picked up the odd goal and assist here and there. I hope Davies stays with the team as long as he's happy to rotate with Rose.

10) Moussa Sissoko

Holy hell if this list was made even a year ago I think most people would have put Sissoko toward the very bottom. But dear god has he pulled through for us this year. What a player he is turning out to be.

9) Victor Wanyama

Injuries are unfortunately starting to take their toll on Wanyama and it seems like his time with Spurs is probably coming to an end this summer or next... but in his prime he was absolutely unplayable. Unbelievably strong off the ball, fantastic defensive work rate, and who could ever forget the rocket against Liverpool.

8) Lucas Moura

On his day, Lucas is absolutely immense. His pace, dribbling, and skill is untouchable if he hits form. His form is wildly inconsistent though. Against United and Huddersfield this year he was the best player on the pitch by a mile. He works hard and runs blindingly quick but does seem to have a tendency to go invisible at times. Also don't forget that when signed in January, did almost nothing that spring part of the season.

7) Eric Dier

Another player that seems to have fallen off a bit this year but Dier has been a very solid midfield option for us since Poch moved him from CB. Great player to add depth to the team and best friends with Dele on top of all of that.

6) Erik Lamela

Signed as a direct replacement to Gareth Bale, Lamela never reached even close to the highs that we were promised...... at first anyway. While I may be blinded by my giant bias for him, I don't think any other player works as hard off the bench as Lamela and he always injects a bit of creativity to the game. Most would probably rate him a bit lower but fuck it I love Erik.

5) Davinson Sanchez

Woo-hoo top 5. Sanchez is still so young, but is slowly starting to cement himself as a very solid option at the back. Whether it's filling in for Toby or Verts, or slotting into a back 3 with them he rarely puts a foot wrong and is going to be a CB of the future for Spurs.

4) Heung-Min Son

Honestly, any of these top 4 could have a case for #1. But Son gets the 4 spot here from me as early in his Spurs career he really wasn't living up to his hype. Obviously in the past two years he has been absolute quality though and as his time at Spurs continues he will only rise further up this list.

3) Dele Alli

Creative, clinical, and hilarious as well, Dele Alli is a player I hope to see at Spurs for his whole career. Changes the game when he is playing and is a positive influence on and off the pitch. Happy he has cut the shithousing out of his game a bit, and oh did I mention he only cost 5 mil and is better than Ozil?

2) Toby Alderweireld

Formed one of the best CB partnerships in the world with Jan Vertonghen by his side, helped turn the old WHL into a fortress the final season, plays diagonal balls to the wide forwards with pinpoint accuracy. Legend.

1) Christian Eriksen

The heartbeat of the team. Whether it's placing a cross perfectly onto Kane's head or Dele's boot, smashing two free-kicks in the same game, or scoring from 30 yards out in the final minutes, Eriksen is one of the best Spurs signings of the modern era. Please Levy, have him sign it.

There you have it! I almost definitely could have found something more constructive to do in my down time but I think this was a good call. Feel free to rip apart my decisions, I was going solely based on memory and researched almost nothing. COYS.

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