#the insurance did nothing for me for the ivs but if i dont get it im sure they ll break just after the guarantee expires. which would mean

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[switchbladefightz]

i finally have real headphones again !!

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

[termitesisagrandslam]

bad headache again 2day. not gone yet. hopefully it is not something bad 😜 i still suspect it's most likely tension but this is draining me having a near constant headache with occasional really horrible migraines and i am not getting things done ive wanted to get done the past couple weeks bc im afraid of doing anything to make it all worse and also im just kinda drained even when the headache is super mild

[aristotlecoyote]

Nah but my guys.

This shit

Is inexcusable. Any of you supporting them when those attached to them say *this* after gloating about a 115 dollar bag *for their honey moon*

And saying they are barely surviving and having trouble making content

Dont deserve your respect as a viewer.

This comment is a glimpse at their true natures whether you like it or not.

This isnt a hate attack. I have an inherent respect for life and the humans that live it. I respect that they are humans that do whatever they want of their own free will. Like yeah spend money. Do things. Live your life buy a house eat good healthy food.

But that is all a privilege. A privilege not many people have at the moment??

I am privileged. I work for my family as a caretaker(paid for by the state btw. My parents can not afford to pay me other wise). I cant buy my own food. I make "too much" to have food stamps. I live off of what my parents, who are also struggling, can provide. I live with my parents at 27 because working conditions and living conditions are so bad and i am so mentally ill i cant be on my own for my own *safety*. Just because i am able to live in relative comfort by the grace of my safety net doesnt mean ive always had that grace. And many *many* more people in the world dont even have the safety net that kept me off the street. I stole food from my old roommates because i was hungry and couldnt afford food. I was feeding my dog *my* food because i couldnt buy his food. I am 5,000 dollars in debt because i couldn't afford health insurance and went to the ER because i was going to end my life. I couldnt pay the 260 dollar bill i was sent so i just hoped and prayed it would go away and now its eating me.

I am also bad with money even when all my bills are paid.

I bought merch. I bought tickets to the live show. I did that because i paid my bills once and had enough to feed my addiction to solving my depression with buying tiny useless things. I know its not a good fucking idea. I know it is but im sure someone out there understands that you cant always control yourself when you arent fully present in your own life. I cant even leave the house because i *know* ill spend money and i *know* i cant.

And i thought i was supporting people who cared about their fans enough to atleast not say stuff like this.

I was staying subscribed to the youtube channel out of the hope that they would change their mind, see reason? Maybe?

But they wont.

This shows that they wont. That they refuse. That all good faith worries and criticisms mean nothing to them because We cant pay them to care.

So yeah. @wearewatcher @watcherfans these are the people you want to be and support, huh? Positivity is nice when you arent eating ramen. When you arent skipping meals to make yourself feel better for living off your equally struggling family. When you have enough around you to feel safe and secure enough to pay for something that isnt even worth the money you put in.

This isnt a post to get pity. This is a post to put in perspective the reality working class people face. What poor people face. What disabled people, who cant even marry or grow savings, face.

Please. Just think of humans as people and not just money and art.

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[carmenpeach]

i think i might make a new blog... ive had this one for like 7ish years and i think a clean start could be nice, this one is fulllllll of images and i dont know just feeling weird as i tend to do... ive had a username set aside for like months now that i was gonna change this blog to since its in the same vein of my old neopets username/ username i used to use waaaaaay back when but idk i just get this feeling of like. it would make me feel weird somehow even though its a username that brings me joy. thoughts in my head i cant convey succinctly enough.

i thought up a new username not associated with anything prior and its not taken so maybe soon i will make it. "soon" could be a week or a few months etc. i feel i dont have anything worthwhile to put on a new blog since i havent been drawing and at this rate i dont know when i will. i want to draw sometimes but they dont look good and i dont have passion like i used to. im not as unhealthy as i was a few months back but im nowhere near my average baseline health of like a year ago i guess. trying not to mope about it but also :( and i feel i hardly use this site anyways like i do but i dont. i scroll it for a few min and then leave it for a while to do i guess nothing and repeat. im not really sure what i do all day.

i guess i just dont really like sharing my thoughts anymore even though it used to bring me a lot of joy to have this to just showcase my thoughts so they werent cycling in my head all day and i guess thats what theyve been doing. i did recently get better health insurance so im hoping this will help me like writhe in agony less but its like yeah man ill be real none of my interests or hobbies do anything for me other than bring me down. but i dont think its like over its just rough and my organs hurt and i look different and my brain thinks different and its weird, but im still me even if im the "new" one right

[weevilsart]

MASSIVE CW: Vent, suicide mentioned, Drug and alcohol addiction, Caffiene addiction, Accidental Overdose, child abuse mentioned, mental health neglect, medical malpractice, mental hospitalization, police brutality, prison mentioned, AND THIS IS A VERY POLITICAL POST (FAR LEFTISM (I am a anarchocommunist)) PLEASE ASK ME TO ADD MORE CW IF NEEDED,

It really bothers me how I will never relate to or feel nostalgic to late 2000s to early 2010s post about elementary school.. I see picture of the inside of buses, school activities, and all of that, I can’t relate to any of it.. I didn’t go to elementary school and I only did 2 months of 7th grade and 1 week as a freshman and 1 fucking day as a sophomore, the rest of my schooling was at alternative schools that sucked and homeschooling which I can’t remember most of it cause at the time I was still actively being abused, I see my three youngest siblings and how they are still in school, how they got to learn and have friends, and I have none of that.. my two older siblings also have been to and completed high school, I have nothing.. I was too autistic and weird and mentally Ill to have done anything, I had been hospitalized twice and fucking spent my whole summer of 2018 (my last year in my home state) in a fucking residential program that said they were duel diagnosis BUT THEY ONLY FOCUSED ON THE KIDS THERE THAT HAD DRUG AND ALCHOL ADDICTIONS AND THEY COMPLETELY IGNORED MY CAFFEINE ADDICTION AND DOWNPLAYED IT SO MUCH THAT I GAVE UP ON QUITING they had FORCED me go to NA, MA, and AA meetings WHEN I DIDNT HAVE TO GO and they ignored my mental health, I LITERALLY HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER SINCE I WAS FUCKING 4 YEARS OLD AND IT TOOK 17 FUCKING YEARS TO GET A DIAGNOSIS CAUSE NO ONE WANTED TO DIAGNOSE A CHILD AND CAUSE OF THAT I WASNT ON ANTIPSYCHOTICS INTIL I WAS FUCKING 18!!!!! I WAS IN CONSTANT PSYCHOSIS AND I WAS PARANOID ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND I COULDNT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! AND MY AUTISM AND ADHD WERE NEGLECTED CAUSE MY PARENT WERE TOO FOCUSED ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS AND MY TWO BROTHERS WHO WERE DIAGNOSED WITH AUTISM EARLY ON!!! I WAS DIAGNOSED AT 12 AND THEY DIDNT TELL ME INTIL I WAS 15!!!! I WAS CONSTANTLY DRINKING ENERGY DRINKS SO MANY IN A FUCKING DAY THAT I FUCKING OVERDOSED AND WAS UP FOR 3 WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AND MY MOM STILL DIDNT TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL AND I WAS DOING ALL THAT TO SELF MEDICATE MY ADHD AND I DIDNT GET PUT ONTO STIMULENTS INTIL I WAS 18 AND THEN MY PSYCH TOOK ME OFF CAUSE I DIDNT DO WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO AND I SPENT MONTHS TRYING TO GET A NEW PSYCHIATRIST AND WHEN I DID SHE PUT ME BACK ON THEM WITH NO STIPULATIONS CAUSE ITS FUCKED UP TO DO THAT!!!!AND I MISSED THE LAST 4 APPOINTMENTS WITH HER CAUSE THEY ARE ONLINE ONLY APPOINTMENTS AND I HAVE MEMORY FUCKNG ISSUES CAUSE OF LONG FUCKING COVID SO NOW IVE RUN OUT OF MY FUCKING RITALIN AND I HAVE TO SELF MEDICATE WITH ENERGY DRINKS TO FUNCTION PROPERLY BUT I HAVE A FUCKING HEART CONDITION AND SO NOW MY HEART RATE IS HIGHER THAN AVERAGE (USUALLY ITS 100 AND NOW ITS BEEN AROUND 150) CAUSE I DONT HAVE PROPER STIMULENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE MENTAL AND MEDICAL HEALTH CARE SYSTEM IN THE FUCKING UNITED STATES OF FASCISM CAUSE NOW I HAVE FUCKED UP TEETH AND CAUSE I CANT GET THEM FUCKING FIXEX CAUSD I DONT HAVE FUCKING DENTAL INSURANCE CAUSE MY STATE INSURANCE DOSENT COVER DENTAL OR OPTICAL AND GUESS WHAT? BLINDNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY AND MY VISION HAS BEEN SLOWLY DETERIORATING AND I JUST HAD TO PAY 80$ FUCKING DOLLARS TO SEE AN OPTRISTION AND I ONLY RECEIVED 628$ A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK THE SYSTEM FUCK CAPITALISM FUCK CHRISTOFASCISM FUCK THE GOVERNMENT FUCK COPS FUCK THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX FUCK THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX FUCK IT ALL

I AM FULL OF SO MUCH FUCKING RAGE I SWEAR I COULD TAKE ON THE WHOLE POLICE FORCE HERE BUT I KNOW I CANT AND THAT IT JUST BE POLICE ASSISTED SUICIDE!!!!!!!

[ghoulodont]

my review of every antipsychotic ive taken in chronological order

latuda: took it a long time ago for mood reasons i think. gave me akathisia and made me tired. i dont even remember this but my psychiatrist read it from her notes

abilify: gave me akathisia. eventually i went back on it for several months. took it with propranolol which made me depressed

risperidone: made me so deeply anhedonic that i was suicidal. stopped taking it. threatened with hospital. never again

rexulti: its abilifys younger sibling. gave me akathisia but a little bit less. way expensive because theres no generic. first one that i was on long enough to actually feel positive effects. i switched from this back to abilify because its basically the same but cheaper

intermission ------------ begin episode 2

vraylar: its rexultis younger sibling. gave me akathisia. i never had a prescription for this i just took samples that my psychiatrist gave me. my memory of this part is not great because i was unwell

geodon: i cant remember the order of these anymore actually. gave me akathisia. not related to abilify at all but it may as well be

seroquel: started because i was fighting w my insurance to get something else and this was one of the ones you had to try & not tolerate to get that approved. ended up sticking with it even though i hate it. i do feel stable now but the sedation was unreal. i was so tired i couldnt walk at the beginning

caplyta: took a million years for my insurance to approve and even then i only took samples my psychiatrist gave me so what was even the point. and it did NOTHING at all. no side effects no benefits. i got way worse and thought everyone was chasing me at the grocery store

[horrorsequel]

ive been disabled my whole life but it has gotten worse over time and it becomes increasingly less ignorable and now im at the point where a lot of things i really love that really brought me joy, i may never be able to do again. i have not yet and likely never will accomplish most "milestones" people reach without even thinking about. and i dont even have a therapist rn because my last one just kept being a problematic fit for me and then tried to discourage me from using a wheelchair when i opened up about needing one. as if i jave a choice. and the inly humans i see face to face are my family and the nurses at the urgent care (no doctors around here take my insurance so i have to go there for EVEYTHING and they treat me like shit) and my family doesn't let me talk about ..well ANYTHING but especially not my problems. literally broke down crying in front of my mom recently because i was so frustrated that i cant do anyrhinf myaelf and have to rely on hee for everything and she doesnt give me the fucking time of day usually and she just did NOTHING like juat sat there. idk im just in such deep shit and i need a new therapiat ao bad cos even when i talk to my friends about the shit im going thru ppl tend to not respond or honestly they probablt just dont know what to say but it all feels very Not Good especially since my family are rhe only ppl i get to talk to irl due to mt situation and they will just flat out ignore anything i say doesnt fucking matter what it is

[chronic-creation]

Well

My entire brain is shattered and fucked. I just dont know what to even make of my life or identity (/identities) anymore. Everything i thought to be true is a complete utter lie. And i dont know what to believe or who to trust anymore. I dont know what to make of this situation or how to process it so im really just dissociating from it super heavily.

My system like…. Shifted??? I guess??? I dont know how to explain it but I had a lot of clarity, closure, and healing come to me recently as I reconnected with my adoptive family after my bio mom has repeatedly disappointed me and treated me like shit.

Idk.

I cant even explain it all. Its so difficult because its like the foundational blocks of some of my identities have been completely replaced by an adult understanding of the situations i experienced, plus they took accountability for where they messed up- and they didnt deny that i had mental health issues. In fact they told me that the reason that i wasnt getting care wasnt because they didnt believe me but because they couldnt afford the treatment options and our shitty low budget insurance wouldnt cover more than therapy for me.

Plus theres the issue of how the mental health system treats kids anyways so it’s not like if I had better health insurance I was going to be guaranteed better care.

My dad admitted he was “in over his head” when he adopted me, but he finally did some inner work and healing and recognized where he was seriously emotionally absent and abusive at times, and he apologized to me for not understanding me and what i needed to emotionally thrive.

Then my mom- which the memory is a little hazy at the moment, i think i’m dissociating, but she missed me. She missed me every day. She hangs my photos up around the house and kept my ornaments from when i was a kid and hung them on the tree. It felt amazing to reconnect with her. She apologized too- not as in depth as my dad but it was enough, and then she confirmed a lot of negative things about my bio mom that i knew to be true but kept getting gaslit about by my bio mom. We had a really deep and touching conversation and i even told her about one of my alters that really misses her, especially at night when she has nightmares, and she actually reacted really well to it.

It was really helpful. I also talked to my brother and worked things out in our iwn weird way and i feel so much better that i have a family but im also like okay when are yall gonna block me or start hating me or not want me around anymore. Im so scared that they secretly hate me and want nothing to do with me and are just telling m they missed me and connecting with me and texting me and calling all the time just to yap so they can feel like they tried and then label me as crazy or horrible and not want me around anymore idk i just am afraid they all hate me and dont actually want me to be a part of their life and theyre all sitting at their dinner table talking about what a horrible “daughter” i was and how ive never fit in and im weird and unlikable idk

Idk

Im just freaking myself out now by focusing on it i think i just need to try and get some sleep i think

[sapphictigress]

Episode i forgot because its been a month

I was listening to teh cut animo & welles album while playing modded MC and my friend @cloudystrwbrry called me gay so i then decided to play some MCSM before i have to go to work

Im love you petra, i will willingly race you anytime

I love the DLC but surprisingly i think this episode is my least favorite?? idk maybe because its something infront of episode 7 which is my ABSOLUTE favorite episode of the DLC

also if thats episode 7 does that mean im playing episode 6? i didnt look at the number and yet i know the Redstone computer one is episode 7.....

I was accidentally nice to torquedawg u-u

"you've got.... a boyyss name......" farewell only youtuber i know not of

Okay but i do think it wouldve been fun if the Host was a Youtuber, wouldve made it very not obvious who the antagonist is because there is only ONE non youtuber a part of the cast

'MMm yes delicious im poisened now i huffed that arrow a little too good' thanks Ivor

The suspicious wink Jesse gives to sparkle pants like damn

When ever Petra speaks im just like Hello Ashley Johnson how are you doing today

also like, The host say the crew running via the window, how did they have time to make the portraits?????????????????????

I do feel bad for lucas this man just gets picked on for no reason

I love the dangangobnronpa portraits though lmao

If we stick together, the killer cant leave to kill somebody without it being obvious who to wittle down! just like- AMONG US (ive been watching Alpharad's mongy monday streams lately so i got the mogus on the brain)

These guys aint slick on private conversations *yelling* LIZZIE PSSSST LIZZIE

"Oh, was I" (upset about inventory poking) She said it so suspiciously like goddamn girl. The voice directing is actually so good for these lines she sounds so caught in her actions rn

WAIT IS THIS GAME WHERE I GOT CALLING SOMEONE PRICKLY FROM (subconsciously) BECAUSE I HAVE A RUDE COWORKER WHO GETS COMPLAINTS ALL THE TIME AND I may or may not have called them prickly to a customer..... this was like 2 months after knowing said coworker. Im much quieter about said opinions to customers now, mostly just apologize for it because nothing is ever going to change uwu (I do not want to work there anymore)

Im just over here gossiping with my friends about these strangers i met 5 minutes ago

Okay but 4 random strangers show up, your 'prickly' friend is dead and 3 of them gossip in a corner while one goes to each clique and asks questions?????? y'all just let this happen?????

Jesse: YO IT OPENS PORTALS!! i mean, just a lucky guess! Jesse you buffoon

Okay but Dan being bored and UBER CURIOUS about the button is hilarious tho

also gendered sentences are soooo stupid it just keeps your brain thinking about a mystery man but like,,, if you use they them for a person you know nothing about WOW your options get so much bigger! and also i feel like it kind of creates a twist where the cast is using he/him pronouns for a masked killer but BUM BUM the killer was a GIRL ALL ALONG!!! idk just seems cheep to me

also again letting Jesse / people from Jesse's crew mess with the crime scene??? like,, Let at least ONE person from the other group in there as a buffer! but i guess thats too logical for a story now isnt it

AND THEN IVOR AND PETRA NOT LETTING ANYONE IN LIKE GUYS IT MAKES Y'ALL LOOK SUSSY AS HELL

Also petra my beloved rushing into the room :333 (about 1 whole minute too late but you know she's doing her best)

Love how Cassie banked on someone having ADHD or just didnt plan to kill anyone yet

ACAB includes Jesse (Like DUDE you're making me mad >:|)

ACAB INCLUDES JESSE

Jesse youre being a bitch

PETRA IM JUST INTERROGATING THE MAN YOU DONT HAVE TO ROUGH HOUSE HIM WHADDA HELL

who let cassie out of their sight

who's working security in this bitch? cause Petra's hanging with me for the interrogation

(also how do i insure Lizzie stays alive? no offense to Dan im just a misandrist /s)

not me cheating and looking it up and realizing she might be doomed already... we'll see

okay but i do like the gag how every scene dan has a new hair color

I hate directional arrows... just dies because i was hitting up because it was forward but technically the arrow was pointing down, my brain cant function with stuff like that :((((

Ivor: I'll watch over lukas *Smacks his ass*

I love her your honor

I like i absolutely love all the small things about petra love knowing she whittles

-Work intermission-

-the next day- (I did in fact look that this is indeed Episode 6)

Cassie was just mining around the location of the portal after she found it and happened upon like 7 zombie spawners all next to eachother and was like Oh yeah.. Its all coming together >:)

Stampy: What are you doing down here?? Didnt we *Just* say we were going in to find cluess for the white pumpkin?? didnt we say that Petra?

Petra: That looks like a Lair door if i ever saw one That looks like a trap door if i ever saw one

"Its not your fault the spiders got him" OOPSIES I SENT HIMN THERE TO HIS DOOM ON POURPUS

okay but Cassie why do you have so many back up winslows??? not healthy!

Jesse i know youre a pig person but dont be rude

Okay yes actually it makes sense that Cassie isnt a youtuber cause she wasnt from this world but also like, think of the fun of a proper twist!

also damn Cassie got them screenshot abilities

"they're all about portals, thats pretty obsessive" YOU'D BE TOO IF YOU COULDNT FIND SHIT TO GET OUT TOO JESSE

OLD FISH TEXTURE MY BELOVED

I dont love you anymore Petra (/s They could Never make me hate you)

Get Danmganronpad Idiot, thats what you get for not liking cats >:(

Honestly surprised Lizzie did all this research that Cassie apparently couldnt do? like you'd think Cassie would've had her hands on those tomes

Girl you're not mentally well

She was doing ye olde pufferfish to calm her nerves

"its not your fault" Dans death was. oopsies!

Remember when endermites were just purple silverfish? i do now!

the smile makes it everything

Also the sand falling into the mite pit just means that Cassie can escape AND I ACTUALLY REMEMBER THE VERY END OF SEASON 2 WHERE I THINK IF YOU STAY IN TOWN SHE SENDS YOU OMINOUS MAIL LMAO

nvm the sand is gone now

A. Winslow doesnt deserve endermite damnation B. nobody is a master of a cat C. you dont deserve an animal companion if you call yourself a "Master"

MINECRAFT SALMON WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???!

"Advent~ure~" Ivor you silly silly man

[fieldspaintedgold]

journal entry 8000000000

I don't know if it's my hormones, bc I did my shot this morning and am for some reason bleeding, or if its because this is the first day off I've had entirely alone, or if its mental illness or what.

I just needed to fucking write and writing in the physical journal makes my hand hurt and takes so long that i end up overthinking things. I'm not even overthinking right now, im just so sad?

I've been doing chores all day. Went to the office to figure some shit out. I've been fine all day, i've been fine for a while now except for small cry sessions here and there obviously.

I realized about ten minutes ago for the first time in my life without someone having to tell me that I'm going through terrible depression. Literally nothing sounds interesting to me, idk if its just now or if its been like that for a long time. Maybe that's why I'm so codependent, bc literally nothing is interesting to me unless it is to someone else. Thats fucking terrible. I dont know who the fuck i am because of codependent depression.

I try to keep myself busy but thats all it is is keeping busy, distracting myself from the weight of not knowing what the fuck to do with myself while im alone. tv isnt interesting at all and it doesnt help that i have the actual attention span of a pine nut recently. I made legos the other night and it was fun-ish and i like the outcome but i havent finished them bc im just not interested. I have no drive to create anything.

I've been trying to look for things to make my apartment reflect who i feel like i am way deep inside. I look around my apartment and i wonder who lives there, because I dont feel like I should be the one that does. I feel like its all wrong. I listen to the music ive always listened to and it feels wrong. everything just feels wrong and i dont know how much better i could describe it.

I feel so lost.

I'm trying so fucking hard. I'm trying to get back to myself and remember who I am but i dont think ive genuinely ever in my life known who i am and trying to figure that out is terrifying. not scary in a sense that i dont want to, but scary in a sense that like how the fuck have i never known?

everyone keeps telling me to find a hobby. thats great. but i cant find joy in literally anything no matter how hard i try. i dont enjoy being in my apartment like i thought i would after a month. i know. give it time. but how much time is it going to take? as long as it takes. that sucks.

i just want to feel at least the same sense of whatever normal was before. not in a "my life is the exact same" kind of way, but like i had control of my life. like i knew what was going on and was at peace with things. good, at least.

I feel like im just pretending. Maybe i am just pretending. but i want to not have to do that. i want to actually mean it when i say "im good, how're you?". I want to not feel like the only thing that works inside of me is my heart, because its all i can feel. constantly. it has highs, when i feel love, and it has lows, when i feel the absence. but thats all im feeling. otherwise i'm completely hollow, like im an outline of a person and thats all there is to me. like people can see and pass right through me without a thought. like im just existing in this apartment with no real purpose or meaning. and i think im experiencing depression for real for the first time, which is silly because i've been depressed since i was 12. this is the first time ive really felt it and not had someone to tell me to force myself out of it.

im trying to force myself out of it though. because i dont know what else to do, all i do is sit here and distract and feel and maybe go to a friends house or my sisters to distract some more bc i have to pretend like i'm okay in front of other people, even those i love.

i really need my health insurance to start so i can go to therapy. i need someone to help because today has felt helpless, today has felt like i cant fucking do this, today has felt like i dont even know if i want to. i'm not gonna do anything stupid bc i'm terrified of death but this feeling is so overwhelming and i'm so tired.

and i feel like i cant tell anyone that im feeling like this because the person that makes me feel safe that i want to talk to about it wants me to learn to fix things for myself and i dont want other people to worry and i dont want to go back to springwoods. i cant go back there.

I've always said "its getting bad again" to signify that I'm starting to feel like 2016 again. but i think its bad again already. i dont feel good.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[calclaws]

more breaking down dont recommend reading lol

it really drives me crazy how often people mention therapy when it was a therapist who undid all the work id done for years and sent me spiraling. And im so angry because I cant help but wonder where id have been if she just treated me better or had even a glimmer of human sympathy. I told her all this vulnerable stuff about me and she just bullied and belittled me. The only good thing she did was say "of course that would be traumatic" when I told her about my medical trauma because I was always very ashamed of it and felt crazy and my parents told me i was crazy and they were mad that I reacted so badly i got them in trouble. but then that therapist retraumatized me by repeating what the act was over and over while i just froze. but that's not why i hate her. she said lots of fucked up shit to me. i cant remember which one sent me over the edge because i felt like i ejected from my body and i just did a bunch of things to escape but i was on autopilot. i feel like i just left my body idk it was bizarre. But I do remember she tried to argue with me about whether i was bi because i hadnt had sex (when a lot of what id talked to her about was how terrified i was of being disowned for being queer) and i said something corny about believing in soulmates and she LAUGHED at me and said you cant be serious and then went into this whole thing about how her ex was a narcissist. And she also rolled her eyes at me when i said we couldnt afford therapy more than every other week. I was a student and my parents were paying $100 a session for her!!!!

Anyway im trying therapy again bc i feel at this point i have nothing to lose. but i spent 2 hours writing intake forms and i feel so degraded and i stg they better only show this to the therapist if they are asking all this personal shit. i dont even know this woman and she knows all this. Im really scared bc i feel like if she belittles my trauma im gonna hurt myself. but i really liked her profile so im hoping. but im so scared im gonna say something that will get me locked up and then i will just be retraumatized and lose my job and health insurance. they threaten to report you if you talk about hurting yourself which is so frustrating because i pay you all this money and im not allowed to talk about feelings ive had since i was 10 years old. although i dont think i had depression then i jsut wanted to kill myself bc i was bullied so much and i was a sensitive little bitch. but anyway im actually kind of hopeful haha. against my better judgment i hope it works out but those intake forms triggered me so bad. and i keep feeling like no one loves or cares about me even though thats stupid like your bestie and your partner keep checking in on you you dumbass. but my brain is just so sick and part of me knows im acting insane.