#the hand in the thumbnail sucks but whatever lol

[warm-bread-posts]

New IE Video =)

Sorry I haven't uploaded in a while. Recorded this video back around thanksgiving. Woops.

[kradeelav]

so one of the technical bits i challenged myself with this gunter/corrin doujin was to:

(a) figure out an efficient process for professional multi-page artistic works in linux/true OSS programs - from ideation all the way to printer hand-off.

and

(b) a process that fit well with my brain and kept me from spinning my wheels endlessly redoing pages. it's a common problem with longer projects (aka why you see reboots of webcomics all the time, and also why i haven't been able to get "what greater sin" out for three years cuz i sucked at this lol).

why the focus on process though?

after mastering a certian degree of technical proficiency. it's what separates the hobbyist artists from the pros. not to toot my horn, but i'm quite good at project management process at work, and about two years ago it dawned on me to take some of that learned knowledge and actually apply it here if only to save eyestrain/wrist-strain time.

work lazier smarter, not harder etc.

before i get into the process outline, there's two programs that are doing the heavy lifting since i gave them a trial run with the last anthology and they worked great in tandem. (both cost no money and are available on all major OS's btw)

krita, my main drawing program. sketching/inking/speech bubbles/coloring/vector stuff can all be done here.

libreoffice writer - basically microsoft word for linux. i use it for arranging multiple pages, reordering, and exporting as .pdf to give to the printer (while amazing at rendering, krita can't export as pdf or show multi-pages)

so!

process wise, it occurred to me not too long ago that i needed to consolidate my multi-page creative projects into 3 major gates.

thumbnail sketches

proof of concept layout

"last 10" final

thumbnail sketches

thumbnails are a common concept in comics, but they're great for print front/back matter too. thumbnails ain't here to look pretty, their sole purpose to get the idea from your noggin to on the page.

here's a completely unaltered spread from my journal with a ton of thumbs and notes for this doujin.

so what's the kind of stuff i think about with thumbs?

how panels in a comic fit together with the major emotional beats + line of action. does the eye follow the pages naturally? do you "feel" the emotional impact?

does the compositions work with each other? negative/positive space, weight on top or bottom or diagonally, etc. do the pages feel claustrophobic or too empty? do they breathe?

decorative framing elements that reflect the tone you want + how they generally lead the eye across the page

random notes about overall tone or potential future pages

etcetc

at this point i import that digitally, and start drawing a proper sketch off of it.

fast forward from that sketch to:

"proof of concept" layout

i'm calling this proof of concept instead of a draft as they serve different purposes. a draft is a half-finished work you can just screenshot and show to anyone for feedback (like comms). proof of concept here is showing a certian level of completeness across draft pages to measure consistency.

lack of consistency is the mind killer killer of comics.

proof of concept is specifically meant to nip the 'fizzled out halfway' issues in the bud. it's to show you how cool it looks altogether already, but also shed a light on problem areas that are potentially popping up on the earlier side, so there's less time wasted.

this is a little premature in the process for a proof of concept screenshot, but you get the idea here in a later strip, shown here as screenshots imported into libreoffice writer:

another reason that made libreoffice writer essential is the accurate 2-page spread view. between that, being able to resize the page to whatever you need, and the very easy pdf exporter (with customizable compression), i don't know if i could do this kind of project here.

now, backing up - what kinds of consistency are we checking for here?

does the inking/coloring style change noticeably in a jarring way?

is there one comic strip that the pacing/paneling sucks in comparison to the others? or feels awkwardly added in tone and perhaps better saved for a different project?

is there one panel within a sequential series that's torturing you? what's the best way to throw it out and redo it even faster?

do the front/back matter support the meat of the inside in a clever, on-tone way?

did you accidentally change the font halfway through after you liked your new shiny toy? which one works better?

etc

keep in mind we're not just checking the consistency in one strip, it's for the book as a whole.

and then lastly,

"the last ten" final

"the last ten" is a mental concept i've used for the last ten years for single comic pages. it's especially tempting to noodle over endlessly making one comic page perfect, when you could have done ten reasonably good ones in the same time, and so i made this my last step making IC pages.

once when you approach a level of reasonably done, but kinda hate the page and are procrastinating on getting it out, stop, rest your eyes overnight, and list the last ten minor things you'd change.

once when you've changed those? out the door it goes.

i'm gonna switch to a different project but here's a good example of a "last ten" stage applied to illustrations when i did fallen!gunter's FEH mockups.

looks pretty complete, right? WRONG :D

i can't remember the exact last ten i used, but it was something like:

too much of one specific glowy purple on both, i wanted more contrast with the red glow + "water" texture

needed more effects on the first image to better match FEH's aesthetic

change Leigh's credits after they got a chance to see it and give the thumbs up

knee/shin on left looks unfinished painting wise, clean up

missing chest plate silver decorations on left, clean up

etc

this is the last hail mary check to hack your brain into being satisfied with the page. you've had your say, onwards to the next one.

now, you can also have an additional 'last ten' for the project as a whole. but it's especially critical for comic pages to help keep the momentum/tempo/pace going.

anyway!

we'll see how all of this actually works in practice depending on how fast i can get this doujin out. :)

[marzules]

the strangest thing I've ever seen

oh my cod.

this took so long.

I started this back in October so I would have something nice to look at when I checked in for Nanowrimo... obviously I did not finish it by November lol but it was still fun to do!!!

here's some process photossss:

(I drew a terrifying amount of thumbnail sketches. It was in my head so clearly but it was so difficult to get)

I think this photo makes me look like a very skilled artist. also I think it's pretty. Look at that lighting yes it is wonderful to work in

chaos (I worked so hard on that toilet and that lamp and both of them are covered dude. For the sake of not making this any longer than it already is I won't include more photos but imagine perspective lines everywhere. Every color. Red (Red Rose) Blue(-da-ba-dee) green yellow cyan orange okay I don't think I got that far but it was bad so many layers I kept drawing on the wrong layer it was soo bad

this is the first version of the piece I finished in... December... for an art assignment. I don't know how I forgot to put a soap bottle on the sink when Sophie washes their hands in this scene... like it's the whole main focus....

Also the colors are different because my laptop colors absolutely suck and make everything more blue and desaturated. I asked like 10 different people and it is definitely a problem with my computer so I adjusted the colors in the top image... started doing that at 7:09 pm today thinking it would only take 20 minutes and it is uh. 10:40 pm. sobs

the colors are very accurate to what I am seeing on my screen though I promise you

anyways one more yapping section THE LORE!!! so basically REDSHIFT is a thing I've been working for a couple of years now, started as a book in like journal entry format and now it's flip flopping between a very small animated series or a very small movie I don't know which one. anyways

[i changed the lore. sorry guys. give me a bit]

Anyways back to where this thing even happens it's a dystopian sci-fi story!!! which means. It takes place in a dystopia. And it is sciency. Their planet is really nice you know they've been the most environmentally friendly planet for the past 117 years in a row!! Did you know that they contribute to the largest space arsenal in the universe and they have some of the best technology??? WOw good for. them. okay im tired man I want to be done writing this it's late lol. Also there's Steve I didn't mention Steve because he's kind of irrelevant big happenings wise only character development wise but he's very cool and I think u guys will Love Him he becomes Sophie's friend :))

anyways one more thing about half of the population here are kind of just... voids. Like space voids. Like you look at them and they're just a silhouette of a person and you just see space through them. It's a bit inconvenient at times yeah you can't tell people apart unless they're wearing clothes yeah there are other planets with only humans and only spacey peoples and other planets have other species entirely but they're all pretty much in their own bubble and this one's got flesh humans and space humans. They've got quite a history I think you will find. Very big on science... experimentation innovation whatever... personal improvement. just want to make their world a bit better you know...

okay that is all. goodnight

[themanwhomadeamonster]

1-30 for the art ask 😂

But honestly, please pick out whatever questions you want!! I’d love to know!!

HAHA THANKS you underestimate my need to talk about myself 😌✨ tis quite long so i put it under a read more

1-6 has been answered here and ask game can be found here!

7. A medium of art you don’t work in but appreciate

oil painting! i tried to get into it but couldn’t wrap my head around it lmao. also paints/brushes were expensive + i don’t have great ventilation in my house :’)

8. What’s an old project idea that you’ve lost interest in

SO MANY. usually it’s less lost interest and more I can’t show this to anyone so what’s the point of trying to polish it LOL

i do have an old character design i’ve always been trying to revive but idk what to put them in

9. What are your file name conventions

this was the name of one of my wbn drawings :^)

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

dresses! nothing that clings to the body bc i can’t draw folds :’)))

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

of courseeee usually what fits what I’m drawing. edgy stuff I listen to heavier or classical music, silly stuff I listen to more upbeat music, and if I’m drawing jack in a dress then rammstein apparently xD

12. Easiest part of body to draw

hands and arms so so much HAHA

13. A creator who you admire but whose work isn’t your thing

uhh i know i have some but they don’t come to mind rn xD

14. Any favorite motifs

mmmmm hands i think, they can tell so much about something \(^o^)/

15. *Where* do you draw (don’t drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

on my bed. not a good habit lmao. i don’t usually draw in public bc i’m too shy. the closest i get to drawing with other people is on a shared drawpile canvas

16. Something you are good at but don’t really have fun doing

uhhhh nothing lmao. i don’t think i’m good at any particular aspect of art, and the only thing i hate doing is backgrounds which i suck at to begin with <3

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

noooooo because then my canvas or tablet gets dirty :(

18. An estimate of how much art supplies you’ve broken

zero B) how many i’ve lost however is another can of worms though

19. Favorite inanimate objects to draw (food, nature, etc.)

cloudsssss <3 very relaxing to blend shapes

20. Something everyone else finds hard to draw but you enjoy

hands apparently? they’re definitely difficult at first but they can provide so much gesture and action to a figure that they’re almost like my crutch LOL

21. Art styles nothing like your own but you like anyways

really meticulous line works - pointillism, calligraphy, lineart, etc. i don’t have the patience nor skill for it, but they’re all so beautifulllll mwah mwah

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

i do the thing where you bend your wrist back and forth mainly. doesn’t rly help though since it’s my posture that’s the problem so it’s my shoulders that hurt after askdhskdfhkd

23. Do you use different layer modes

yeessss mostly just multiply so i can see my sketch layer + accent shadows but otherwise i eyeball the colours/values

24. Do your references include stock images

yessss, anything that helps me understand what i’m trying to draw!

25.  Something your art has been compared to that you were NOT inspired by

dark souls and castlevania goddamn it. they’re pretty but they’re not where i get my influences lmao

26. What’s a piece that got a wildly different interpretation from what you intended

some of my sfw stuff has been mistaken for p0rn before 😭😭

27. Do you warm up before getting to the good stuff? If so, what is it you draw to warm up with

less warm up and more do rly quick thumbnails of ideas i have so i don’t have to keep redoing my ideas :’))) if i’m drawing irl faces i usually do warmups bc i have less opportunities to be careless lol

28. Any art events you have participated in the past (like zines)

i’ve been in around 7 zines I think? one of them was my uni art club’s zine which just got delivered yesterday actually! i helped manage the zine project and the final product looked really good! i’ve also participated in secret santas and hopefully the one for wbn goes through as well! :D

29. Media you love, but doesn’t inspire you artistically

the elder scrolls. i love the series but it feels artistically bland T_T i do like the architecture of elsweyr and the black marsh though.

30. What piece of yours do you think is underrated

none i’m happy with any attention anything gets LMAO

[eviltiddyproductions]

Crash Course in Romance : Episode 4

‘Revolt of the Arithmetic Sequence’ it had a very adorable drawing next to it

Help what is this thumbnail. is the topper girl jealous of Hae-e because of a boy? I thought it was more academic rivalsy.

lmaoooo thankgod they didn’t kiss

he’s sleeping on the floor in his penthouse. 💀😭 random shooter when I catch you !!!

giggling with red cheeks going ‘this is the most physical affection I’ve had in years’ awww 🥹💗 ‘she’s going to be mortified as she sobers up’ truly 🤣

lmaooo she spat out her water

he’s so 💀 he’s eating this up

Chiyeol stop listening to conversations babe you’ll either hurt your head or heart

my girl Haeng is already drinking again 🤣

damn not just the girl, even the topper’s mom is a hater. like you can’t even stomach a compliment towards Ms Nam?

why are they all being so weird

my girl please get out of here 💀

LMAOOO love my baby’s friend’s down. they celebrate each other’s successes. even if it’s guessing an answer (she’s just like me)

they’re just fighting at the table lol

I mean the queen bee mother started it but she’s not wrong 💀✋ deadass said to her face ‘you contribute nothing ’ 😭

oh god it’s getting weird now

now why my girlie Ms Nam ended up getting injured NOO

oh I hate Sun Jae’s mom down didn’t even apologise to Ms Nam 💀✋

no way my girl was the only one who got hurt in this fight. I’ll fight everyone here

MY GIRL GOT LEVEL 1

awww Haengseon is cutting her fruit

no way she blames Hae-e for this lmaooo LOSERRRR BOOO

it was one question lol and you want to die. ugh that mom’s gonna ruin my girlies lives

this is so fucking fucked like she still won’t fuck with Sunjae or Sunjae’s mom. For that one dumbass question she’s going to fun for Hae-e

Ms Ban’s dinosaur T-shirt just gets more cuter, the more you stare at it. it’s got a patchwork of patterns

god give me 5% of the courage she carries I love her. she made some food and wondered if Chiyeol would want it and just texted him 🤣

slay sister. he even saved your contact!

enough to make him drop his coffee and smile

I’m going to go make me some though

Sunjae’s mom being real even if it’s for the sake of rules lol

Fuck Sua and her mom! Oh no she saw Sunjae and her walking. she’s going to say yes. just terrible. y’all suck so bad. fuck you !!!

Apparently everytime she makes something special he doesn’t get to eat it. Special extravagant lunch? ruined by overhearing colleagues. Special dinner packed by her? accused her of being a spy! now a new special dinner? she’s about to find out her daughter got kicked out 😭

nooooo my girls 😭😭😭

fuck sua and her mom so bad like I want y’all to suffer so much. maybe watching Vincenzo was a bad idea because the constant truck hitting doesn’t sound too bad now (for legal reasons, relax 🙏) I’m just mad 😭

this was actually so slay of chiyeol

it isn’t enough for sua to go after hae-e by cheating now she’s going to hit her with a dodgeball too OH I COULD FIGHT

now the director. she didn’t do shit !!! you were walking without looking. haeee and mama hold my hand

Chiyeol hearing another conversation again 💀

Aww he saved her from being arrested

arguing in the rain

my man losing his entire energy and strength oh no

at least weird jealous friend of chiyeol is a good teacher in a he understands the ice hockey student’s current situation way.

well that was a way to ask her to teach you. go off ice hockey boy. also no prop or moment is wasted in this show. she was drinking milk to drop that milk lol

oh my god how is chiyeol even standing. I hope he doesn’t collapse. 😭🙏

the guy who stole my girl’s seat has the audacity to be nasty to chiyeol lmaoooo

now he’s beefing with the teacher for getting kicked out? be fr 💀

oh god who is this hoodie person

oh isn’t that sun jae’s brother

bro just save my girlies and teacher from whatever this hoodie man is about to do to that’s nasty kid. 😭 also whatever happened to stalker girl

oh this was the beginning of the show !!! I thought it was years ago or something

oh no he just died ?

#mypeople save yourself 🙏

[minho-hoho]

“Pff, I'm better than them anyways”

❁ Genre⇛Fluff, established relationship

❁ Pairing ⇛Seungmin × GN!Reader

❁ Requested ⇛Yes

❁ Warning ⇛Jealousy?

❁ A/N ⇛Request are closed, tag list is open! I've always wanted to write for Seungmin (I mean he's my ult), first time I write fluff tho, so don't expect much lol. (It honestly sucks sksks).Anyhow, hope you have a fantastic day/evening/night ~!

MASTERLIST

Seventeen's Darl+ing teasers and concept photos came out recently and you were very excited as you were a huge fan of them. You had your fair share of albums and photocards, and you have gone to multiple of their concerts. But you usually kept this to yourself, or you just shared it with your fellow Carats, but never with your boyfriend. It was sort of weird how you managed to keep it as a “secret” for such a long time from him, not that you intended to but it just happened.

But this time, both of you were at home when the Darl+ing official teaser came out. You received the notification while you were both on the couch. As soon as you noticed it, you thought to yourself that why not watch in better quality on the TV, and that's exactly what you did.

“Hey, Seventeen's new official teaser just came out” You announced.

“Hm really? You're going to watch it?”

“Yeah, on the TV.” You answered as you took the remote. You plopped down on the couch as you were looking for the teaser on YouTube. You found it and little smile creeped up on your face as you looked at the thumbnail, you were quite excited. The teaser started and without you noticing your mouth was sort of running loose. A lot of praises and compliments were coming out of your mouth, you didn't even pay attention but Seungmin on the other hand as he was nodding and giving you short answers to the compliments coming out of your mouth was giving you the biggest side eye. But he was getting even more jealous when he saw how happy you were when your bias came on the screen. He was rolling his eyes so hard even though he knew you wouldn't notice. When the teaser finished you immediately turned yourself to face Seungmin to ask for his opinion and whatnot.

“Sooo... What did you think of it?” You asked, all giddy and waiting for his input.

“It was well made I guess yeah” He said fumbling a bit over his words and not looking up from his phone. You were quite underwhelmed by his reaction.

“What do you mean it was well-made? It's like a masterpiece!” He rolled his eyes again.

“Well I bet you're never like this when it's Stray Kids' teasers...” He mumbled in way that was barely understandable. But you still managed to somewhat understand him. It made you laugh, how cute he was when he was jealous.

“Someone's jealous?” You joked.

"Pfff, of course not, I'm better than them anyways. I'm the one who's your boyfriend not them. So why would I be jealous?" He answered trying to seem as confident as possible.

"Are you sure? Because you don't seem like it" You smirked. He looked adorable. He sighed.

"Well of course I am jealous! My own partner is fangirling like a schoolgirl over other men! I don't see you fangirling over me..." A pout started to form on his face. You giggled.

"You know I prefer you over them, right? And plus you're ten times more handsome and cuter than all of them combined. And just because you don't see me fangirling over you and StrayKids doesn't I don't. You can just ask my friends, they sure know how much I "fangirl like a schoolgirl" over you." You reassured him.

"Well now you sound like a creep." He joked too.

"Hey! I was trying to be nice!" You said, shocked by his comment;

"I know, I'm just fooling around don't worry."

"Yeah whatever" You huffed jokingly.

"But you still owe me something you know." He told you, a smile forming on the corner of his lips.

"What? And since when?"

"Since you decided to fangirl over Seventeen over me. I'll be nice, I just want a good cuddle session. That will do for this time." A full smile was now displaying on his face.

"Whatever you want jealous boy" You said as you threw yourself onto him.

Tag List! : @stacey-stonem

[thevioletjones]

10 & 59 for the fic prompt meme!

This is the longest ficlet yet. Lol. It’s also combined with similar requests from @yellowcerulean & @tarantula-teeth for an added 34 & 8. So I give you...

Criminal AU / I didn’t mean to turn you on / Mutual pining / Detective AU

Mickey shook his leg and bit his thumbnail, his agitation overwhelming all his senses. It felt like he was trapped beneath a tsunami and was never going to be able to breathe again. He was totally and completely fucked.

At least he wasn’t handcuffed at the moment, which was kind of strange, but he wasn’t about to question it. He just wished one of them detective dickheads would come question him already so he could ask for a lawyer, get charged, and be on his way to jail. Sitting around here in the interrogation room was too nerve-wracking. They all knew how this was gonna end, so he resented all the wasted time.

According to the clock on the wall, he’d been sitting there staring at the blank wall for 45 fucking minutes now. He knew they did that shit on purpose… like antsiness was supposed to loosen tongues. Really, it just made people more pissed off. Being held against one’s will already sucked enough.

Finally, some dude walked into the room, his red head down as he read a case file. The door closed heavily behind him as he took a seat across the table from Mickey, still not making eye contact.

“Mickey Milkovich. Long time, no see. How’s your sister?”

Mickey’s eyebrows shot up. “Huh?”

The cop looked up at him then, a lopsided smirk on his fuzzy face. “Mandy. I haven’t seen her in ages. She doing alright?”

Mickey shrugged. “Yeah, she’s fine. Why do you give a shit, pig?”

The ginger-beard just snickered. “Guess you don’t remember me then.” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “I was a lot scrawnier then, rounder face, kinda goofy looking, couldn’t sprout a whisker to save my life…”

Mickey just stared at him like he couldn’t give a fuck less.

“I’m Ian. Gallagher. Detective Gallagher, if you’re nasty.”

That made his mouth drop open in surprise. Holy shit. Gallagher? He definitely remembered the teen version. Him and Mandy had been attached at the hip for years back in high school. Mickey never talked to him much, but he was around their house an annoying amount of the time. He looked… very grown up. Too bad he was a fucking cop. And straight to boot.

“Yeah, whatever. I remember you. Can we get this shit over with? Makin’ me sit here all goddamn night is fuckin’ bullshit.”

“Fair enough,” said Ian, folding his hands together on top of the file. “You wanna give me your side of the story before I start asking specific questions?”

“Ain’t it pretty self-explanatory, man?”

“Not necessarily. You were caught in the raid, in flagrante, but there seems to be some confusion as to the extent of your involvement in the prostitution ring.”

“What the fuck does that mean? I ain’t a part of shit!”

“Look, we’re aware of the hand-whore brothel your dad used to run out of the Alibi some years back, as well as the connection between Terry and the Bartkowicz brothers running this ring. Obviously, we have your prior arrest records, which coincidentally all seem to be related to dear old dad, so… you see why we have questions now?”

Mickey slammed both his fist down on the tabletop and stood brusquely, knocking his metal chair to the floor. “This is fuckin’ bullshit! You can’t pin this shit on me!”

Ian stood tall and menacing. “Sit down, Mickey.”

“Fuck you! I ain't listenin’ to anymore of this!”

He tried to march straight to the door, but found himself running into a wall of built redheaded dick. Before he could think better of it, he pushed Ian forcefully, then suddenly found himself knocked sideways into the wall, and in no time he was pressed against it chest first, arm twisted painfully behind him, with a forearm against his neck.

“I’m gonna give you one more chance to sit here without the fucking cuffs on and answer my questions. You try something again, and I’ll get one of the bruisers that likes to bust heads in here to put ‘em on your hands and your feet. Got it?”

Shit. The only thing Mickey was getting was a damn killer of an erection. That would be the worst thing to let on given the circumstances, so he nodded vigorously as best he could.

“Yeah, yeah, man. Sorry.”

Ian's body moved away, and Mickey felt cold at the loss, turning around slowly with his hands up. Gallagher pointed at him, then to the chair he’d previously occupied, eyeing Mickey apprehensively.  Once he was seated again, the detective sat back down as well.

“Believe it or not, I’m trying to help you. For Mandy’s sake. I won’t be able to if you pull stunts like that. I know you wouldn’t rather be dealing with one of the other guys on the task force.”

Mickey sighed and sagged in his chair. “Whatever, man. I don’t know anything. And I ain’t actually just sayin’ that. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s it. I don't work for my piece of shit father anymore.”

Ian gave him an incredulous look, then re-opened the file on the table, thumbing through a few pages deep. Mickey watched as he read whatever the fuck was written there, and the way those orange eyebrows suddenly shot up, and Ian sent him a stunned look.

“What?” asked Mickey.

Ian cleared his throat and looked back at the page. “It says here that you weren’t busted with a woman.” Mickey gulped. “You were busted with a man.”

Mickey struggled to keep his cool, but quickly schooled his features. “So?”

“You’re gay?” Ian asked bluntly.

“Nah, I just like havin’ another guy’s dick in my ass.”

Ian’s mouth slowly lifted into an unreadable kind of smile. “Wait here.”

And just like that, Ian was gone, and Mickey was most definitely totally fucked. No way South Side cops were gonna go easy on the fag criminal son of a dude they all fuckin’ despised with a fiery passion. Gallagher had probably gone to get a whole squad to bash on him until they transferred him into gen pop.

He went back to shaking a leg and biting his nails, and it felt like fucking forever before Ian returned.

He was still alone, and he stood in the middle of the room for a moment and just stared at Mickey. After the dramatic pause, he said, “You’re free to go.”

Mickey’s jaw dropped yet again. He knew for a fact he’d been looking at about 30 days jail time, or at the very least, some hefty-ass fine for solicitation.

“What the fuck you mean I’m free to go?”

“Exactly what I said. You’re free to go.”

“How?” Mickey shouldn’t be glued to this fucking hot seat asking questions, but he couldn’t help it. It was like the damn Twilight Zone.

Ian shrugged. “I took care of it. From one queer on the DL to another.”

Mickey gasped. “You fuckin’ serious? Didn’t you used to date my sister?”

“I did. In a sense. She knew who I was from the beginning. Did me a favor. We protected each other. This is just an extension of that. Besides, I always kinda had a crush on your dirty, crude, thug ass. Even though you were always an asshole and never looked at me twice.”

If Ian kept shocking Mickey like this, he was gonna need a defibrillator to get his heartbeat back on the proper wavelength. What the actual fuck?

“Oh, I looked twice, Gallagher,” he replied, rising, “you just never caught me.”

Ian laughed. “Until now apparently.”

Mickey flipped him off and followed Ian out of the room. For some reason, he was escorted all the way to the station door.

“Stay outta trouble, Milkovich,” Ian called to him as he walked into the night.

Mickey smirked and turned around as he kept walking. “You know where I live if you got a problem, Gallagher.”

Seeing Ian’s reciprocal smile, he turned back around and pulled his cigarettes out. Definitely not how this night was supposed to go, but maybe Red would come see about him sometime.

[europeanguy]

Some Kind of Magic

Pairing: Shane x Platinum!MC (Veronica/ “Ronnie”)

Words: >2k

Rating: G, Fluff

Summary: Shane and Ronnie reminisce about 2006 and Shane is a being a big melt

A/N: many many thanks to @pixieferry for “beta-ing” this, without whom this drabble would be one huge yikes. Thank you for all your help and all the encouragement 💛 I forgot to ask you about titles so this will do HAHAHA

tagging @8im8the8one bc she ships this and has good taste LMAO

“Do I look okay?” Veronica turns to Shane, then turns back again to the mirror. She pouts and points at the nearly invisible dark circles under her eyes - even Shane couldn’t lie, no amount of concealer can hide the hours upon hours they spent awake brainstorming for her Christmas album. “God, I look like a zombie.”

“But a very pretty - albeit a little tired - zombie.” Shane snorts from his place on the bed from the other side of the room. But she did look pretty, with or without a scary professional stylist who micromanages her everyday clothing choices. “Did Zadie pick that out?”

“Yeah, oh my god, you should have seen her face when she saw me packing this skirt in an overnight bag.” Veronica smooths out her maxi skirt, then cuffs and uncuffs her sweater sleeves. “I can’t believe I kept you up all night writing lyrics with me.”

“I’ll be alright… I’m worried about you, though. Do your fake dates always have to be this early?”

“Dinner is kind of teetering in the danger zone, if you know what I mean.” Veronica winks at the mirror as she ruffles her brown bangs. A non-awkward silence slips in, seconds ticks by before they burst into laughter. “Fiona just said dinner is too romantic at this point, okay?”

“Riiight… we can’t have you munching on oysters in dim lighting with Raleigh Carrera, cause you just might jump him.” Shane bites his lip to stifle his laughter. He almost feels a sense of deja vu - as if they were eight again laughing under the pillow fort that they always build in her parent’s living room. It’s as if this has happened before, except now they’re older and miles away from home - still somehow together.

“Ugh!” Veronica groans in frustration and walks over to Shane’s bed, collapsing beside him. Her weight makes the mattress dip as she tries to find a comfortable position. She ends up squeezed next to him, arms crossed. “I don’t even like him like that.”

Shane nods, closing his eyes. “It does suck that your first relationship is with a hot famous guy, Ronnie.”

Veronica smirks and burrows her cold feet under Shane’s legs.

“Eeee!” Shane squirms away. “What’s that for?!”

“That was for sassing me,” Veronica shrugs. “Speaking of fake relationships, weren’t you my fake husband?”

Back then, it was for a little movie he was shooting with his dad’s camera. That was when Shane fully realized that he’s into the whole concept of telling stories through film, so it’s only obvious that the star of all his projects would be Veronica - who also happens to be the only actress he can find that’s willing to work for candy. Everett, Veronica’s older brother, promised to play the officiant role but bailed at the last second - so they had to be creative and use their teddy bears.

“Damn, you really upgraded.” Shane still remembers that summer and how upset Veronica was when she found out that Shane already ate his ring pop wedding ring.

“Not really,” Veronica shrugs. “I mean, I don’t think he’d re-tie my shoes for me for a whole month until I figured out how to do it myself.”

“Oh my god, you still remember that?” Shane covers his face in embarrassment. “I think you realized you had to do it yourself when I accidentally tied your shoelaces together and you landed flat on your face.”

“Accidentally.” Veronica makes air quotes, earning a scoff from him.

“I was four!”

“I miss that playground… not how the sand tastes though.” Veronica smiles. “Are you coming back home for Christmas?”

“I don’t know, honestly.” Shane sighs. “Mom and Dad are already bugging me about booking plane tickets. Apparently she needs my help to convert a bunch of home videos she found in our attic.”

“Please tell me I’m invited! I want to rewatch all our movies!” Veronica sits up.

“That’s already a given.” Shane stretches his arms then proceeds to feel around the bed for his phone. “Huh… mom just sent me a video.”

Dear Shane,

Dad and I figured it out, but you still have to come home, I know for a fact that you’re not eating well at your dorm… I can tell from your Pictagram pictures. Please tell Ronnie we miss her and we’d love for her to spend the holidays with us. Love you sweetie.

LOL,

Mom

Shane bursts out laughing at his mom’s use of LOL - and the fact that his mother follows him on Pictagram.

“What is it?” Veronica lies back, scooting closer to Shane so she could peek at his phone’s screen. “Aww, I miss your mom too.”

Underneath the message is an attachment of a video, with a slightly blurry, and hauntingly familiar, thumbnail.

“Is that-?”

“Oh god. Oh no. Oh my god-” Shane tries to scramble away but Veronica’s prying hands are too quick, and she snatches the phone away from him.

Veronica taps the play button and instantly, hundreds of voices and clapping meld together into unintelligible noise and the video slowly focuses on the stage as an older student shuffles to the microphone stand. 

“I now have the pleasure of announcing the final act of the Winter Talent Show,” they start a little too loudly, sending feedback throughout the auditorium. “Please welcome Shane and Ronnie as they sing Way Back Into Love!”

The announcer runs offstage and the stage lights flicker on as the curtains open, revealing a ten-year-old Shane and Ronnie by his side - both terrified. Shane remembers that moment when Ronnie couldn’t let go of his hand. The auditorium is silent and whoever is taking the video sniffs.

“Look at us!” Veronica coos at the screen, and just in time the video zooms in to their faces as they step forward to the mic stand. The announcer runs back with a spare microphone and stand for Shane, gives the two kids an encouraging nod before awkwardly running off. Shane looks at Ronnie and they finally let go of each other’s hands to get in position.

The first few notes of the song starts in a soft piano instrumental, and little Ronnie closes her eyes as if to take a breath. She opens her eyes and looks at Shane for reassurance, the uncertainty slowly fading from her face. She sings, softly at first.

I’ve been living with a shadow, overhead. I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed. I’ve been lonely for so long, trapped in the past I just can’t seem to move on.

“Noooo, no no-” Shane grabs a pillow and buries his face in it, trying to drown out his own voice as he sings Hugh Grant’s parts in monotone.

“You weren’t that bad!” Veronica pokes his side as she continues to watch the video.

All I wanna do is find a way back into love.

Ronnie’s voice carries them throughout the whole performance, making both of them sound good.

“I still don’t know how you do that.” Shane tosses the pillow off his face, giving up and decides to watch the video again.

“Do what?” Veronica can’t stop smiling as she watches them finish the song and excitedly hug on stage as the crowd breaks into applause.

“That whole angelic voice thing.” Shane says oh-so-casually, hoping she doesn’t notice the tell-tale blush on his cheeks. 

As the video comes to an end, little Shane and Ronnie hold hands as they walk backstage amidst the applause. Her hands were cold and clammy from nerves, not that he ever cared if her hands were sweaty or sticky with candy. 

“That was so cute.” Veronica wipes her eyes, handing Shane’s phone over to him. “I love you, you know.”

Shane nods, trying not to put too much meaning in her words. “I know.”

“No, really,” Veronica sighs. “You didn’t really want to be on stage but it was my first time performing in front of a crowd that big, so when I asked you to sign up with me and you agreed, no complaints.”

“Well thanks to me we didn’t win, so.” Shane grins. A week after the talent show he gave Ronnie a trophy out of empty tissue rolls held together by glue. 

Veronica sighs exaggeratedly and chuckles. She shifts position, locking her eyes onto his. His mouth goes dry. Was his best friend, since they were four, making heart eyes at him? Nah, he must be hallucinating. 

He tries to squelch that weird flip-flopping in his stomach, whatever the hell it is. Tries to ignore the subtle scent of her shampoo, not quite masked by her perfume, and it takes him back to when they were ten with asters in their hair. Don’t stare at her soft lips - shit too late, too late. They’re inching closer, her breath is warm on his skin and everything’s tingling and

Riiiing!

Both of them nearly jump out of their skin when her phone starts ringing, cutting through the thick tension in the air. Veronica scrambles to get her phone and Shane’s cheeks ignite as he sits up to put some distance between them.

“Hank’s downstairs,” Veronica rolls her eyes and smiles, “Time to show up at fake brunch.”

“Duty calls!” Shane stands up and clears his throat, suddenly feeling awkward. Oh god. That was so unnatural just now. What’s wrong with you, Shane?  “So uh, I’ll walk you out?”

Veronica slips her socks on, quickly shuffling around the room to shove her stuff back into her bag. “Sure!”

“Wait, don’t forget this!” Shane fishes under his duvet for her lyrics notebook, then follows Veronica who’s already hurried out of his room. Shane spots something pink at the corner of his eye, but ignores it as he jogs down the stairs of their shared loft. After Veronica slips on her boots, Shane hands her the notebook.

“Oh my god, thank you.” Veronica takes the notebook and gives him a tight hug. “Hang soon, okay?”

“O-Okay!”

Shane watches as she rushes down the hall to the elevator. She flashes him an uncharacteristically shy smile while waiting for the elevator to reach their floor. It reaches them with a soft ding, and Shane’s stomach drops as his roommates step out - looking confused when they come face to face with Veronica. Veronica gives them a sheepish grin as she steps in the elevator, looking at Shane one last time before the doors close.

Tucker looks back at the closed elevator and back at Shane - who simply shrugs in innocence.

“That was… that was-”

“I thought you guys wouldn’t be home until Sunday?” Shane nonchalantly types a text to Veronica as he steps aside to let his roommates in.

You left your wig 😂😂😂

“Do not change the subject right now.” Tucker lugs his suitcase inside. “That person who obviously just came out of our place-”

“My friend-Ronnie? Yup.”

Shane’s phone pings with a text.

Looks like you have some explaining to do 😂

Another A/N:

1. Ronnie is my Open Heart MC’s (Everett) little sister, she’s 23 and he’s 27.

2. honestly that’s it my mind is already blanking its almost 2 HAHA

3. Oh YEAH I almost forgot to talk about that edit…

4. I feel like Shane turned out as a cute kid but man…. Ronnie was looking a lot more demonic in the previous versions (I used to ILITW MC kids + their faces, not unlike my TRR edit with the TE MCs + the gang)

5. anyway i know i said i quit writing but this just stemmed from me needing Shane x MC content and not finding any so I took it upon myself to just make them lol (also Way Back Into Love is kind of my recent song obsession)

6. I just love hugh grant okay

7. okay bye

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 1 & 2

[number1salesman1997]

Spachiel is going to over hear some tidbits of gossip passing by.

"Did you hear? A string of bad luck has been following Mark."

"No really? During holiday season? Isn't that the worst time for rumors to be running around?"

"Well, from what I heard, apparently a bunch of the contracts he had going for him fell through. Someone had apparently tipped them off about dirt he has on him? The whistleblower allegedly had proof."

"Man are you sure you should be talking about this? You could get hit with a fat fine if any of his lackeys caught wind...isn't it too soon to be assuming things?"

"Ehhh, fine whatever, we'll just check back on that in like a couple weeks, or maybe new years. Come on, you can't tell me that this isn't intriguing."

What an interesting thing to hear in passing.

Spamton immediately opens a window to view Mark @ Trenz's various social media accounts, surprised to see that since the last time he had thought to check on Mark, the addison had become some kind of social media personality and influencer. His nose wrinkles at the sleek minimalist design. At least all his thumbnails and titles on his videos were well-constructed clickbait, otherwise Spamton might have forgotten Mark was supposed to be an addison. Mark must be sitting pretty now off all those views, Spamton figures, then crunches a few numbers.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Mark still earns more money in a month than Spachiel does, even factoring in the cryptocurrency mining and the NFT scheme.

That's ok.

Spachiel totally does not kick a trash can into the side of somebody's house.

He combs his hair back into place and slinks off nonchalantly, his hands twitching over invisible keys. He does a little more looking into Mark.

Looks like a bunch of his sponsors dropped him recently. Damn. Sucks to suck. Unfortunately none of the articles say much off anything relating to what Mark did to warrant being dropped by so many potential business deals all at once, but the timing certainly made it seem like something MUST have happened. As far as Spamton could tell everyone was just throwing around baseless speculations.

1 new tweet

Lol why is everybody on my dick this week? 😂😂 So a few sponsors dropped me, that's their right. It's literally not as big a big deal as you all think. All these rumors about why are wild though! Some people need to touch grass~💖

Spamton smirks, seeing that pop up so soon. He's known this guy long enough to know he's probably fuming in real life.

He comments, "LOL" and closes the window.

[call-me-rei]

Chapter 3: Flashback to Us

***Disclaimer because apparently I didn't mention it when I started this story: This story is based on real events! Just about everything in this book actually happened with PTV and SWS, including the things in this chapter 😉***

September 17, 2011

I scrolled through my mentions amazed that I had so many. It wasn’t unusual that people would tag me or the band in their tweets. What was unusual was the nature of these mentions. Almost every day one of our accounts would be asked to work on music with other artists. Kids wanted us to make music with State Champs, All Time Low, or Mayday Parade. Little did they know we had things already in the works.

One of the weirdest mentions I was seeing had started in mid-June of this year. So many kids were asking for a specific feature with one specific person I’d never heard of before.

@piercetheveil can you please record with @kellinquinn? Omg @piercethevic and @kellinquinn together on a song would be AMAZING!!! Petition for @piercetheveil to have @kellinquinn on their next album. RT to sign

Who the hell was Kellin Quinn?

Almost every day for the last three months I’d been tagged in tweets asking if we’d make a song together. That was super awkward since I had no idea who this kid was, or why everyone was so obsessed with him.

“Bro, are you seeing this?” Mike asked me. “How many times are we gonna be asked to work with this dude?”

I shook my head. “No clue.” I wasn’t too interested in entertaining the tweets when the guys and I were supposed to be working on new music at that moment. We had hit a wall so we decided to take a break, which of course meant we were checking Twitter.

“I don’t know, maybe we should consider it.” We all looked to Jaime with questioning expressions on our faces. “I just mean that we wanna hit the studio soon and we only have a couple songs ready to be tracked. Maybe we could have this one with this guy.”

Jaime had a point. We were working toward a new record, and so far we had more demos than songs that were ready. We were trying to avoid writing songs in the studio but that was proving to be difficult.

“I don’t know…”

“C’mon Vic, we already reached out to Jason. What’s one more feature?” Mike was referring to me and our new label, Fearless Records, reaching out to Jason Butler of letlive. He had agreed to be featured on our new record and was going to send us some things we’d add into the song when we got to the studio.

“We don’t even know this kid. Have any of you listened to him before?” They looked at each other wondering if one of them would prove me wrong. “That’s what I thought.”

“Well, if a bunch of fans are saying it’ll be worth it then maybe it’ll be worth it.” I shot Tony a look to which he put his hands up. “Just give it a chance; that’s all I’m saying.”

I sighed. It was obvious that online peer pressure had gotten to my bandmates and they weren’t going to let this go. “Fine,” I huffed, “I’ll listen to his stuff. But if it sucks then no deal.” They didn’t care. They hi-fived each other at their accomplishment as if the feature was in the bag.

“Did you guys hear what I just said?”

“Yes, but we’re choosing to ignore your negativity.” Tony giggled at Mike’s reply.

“Whatever,” I mumbled, “let’s get back to work.”

***

September 20

I finally had some free time for the first time all week. Granted, it was almost midnight and I was finally settling down. I wanted to pass out more than anything, but my brother had other plans for me.

Have you listened to Kellin yet?

That was the message Mike had sent me just as I was about to start relaxing. I rolled my eyes but responded anyway.

No but I’m going to

He replied quickly: Do it now! I’m tired of waiting for you!

I rolled my eyes again and chose not to respond. Instead, I got up from my position on my couch and went to my Macbook that was resting on my desk. If Mike was texting me so late then this was important to him, and I didn’t want to be on his bad side in the morning because I ignored his request.

Where would I even start with this? I guess with a Google search. I typed the name that had flooded my mentions into the search bar and watched the results pop up. Apparently Kellin was in a band called Sleeping With Sirens, and they had just released a record. That would explain why fans were so invested in them. A new record can bring a band an influx of obsessive fans.

I scrolled down the first page of results to see what I could learn about Kellin. According to Wikipedia he was the singer in the five-piece band. The band had just released their second album, Let’s Cheers to This, in May. Their first record, With Ears to See, and Eyes to Hear, came out in 2010, the same year our second album, Selfish Machines, came out. It seemed like we were on the same timeline.

There wasn’t much else about him besides the fact that many websites said he had a high-pitched voice. I wondered how high it was and if it would sound good with my band’s sound.

I read as much as I could about the guy before I switched over to YouTube. I searched Sleeping With Sirens and was met with so many videos. The first video was for a song called “If You Can’t Hang.”

Might as well, I thought and clicked on the thumbnail.

My ears were immediately met with guitar and drums. I watched as the black screen faded in and showed a water-covered floor. Black shoes walked up to a microphone, then the beat dropped.

Each of the five guys were jamming out to their own performance. It made me want to do the same. This Kellin kid was going crazy in his American flag shirt and black skinny jeans. The introduction to the song calmed down and the camera zoomed in on his face.

Kellin was actually a kid, a literal child! He had such a baby face with his chubby cheeks and black hair falling over his eyes. I couldn’t believe that our fans wanted us to work with a tween! He almost looked too young to be taken seriously.

I decided I shouldn’t judge and focused on his voice as he sang the first verse of the song. He did have a higher voice than most male singers, but it was so smooth and melodic that you moved past it. I studied his face as he sang. The eye contact he made with the camera made me feel like he was singing to me and me alone. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

This video really showcased his stage presence. He was intense when he needed to be and let loose when the song called for it. It was hard to believe that such a young kid had that much talent in that situation.

The bridge of the song surprised me. His voice went up and down the octave like it was nothing. It was impressive as hell, and I needed to hear more. So I went back to the search results when the song ended and found another one called “If I’m James Dean, You’re Audrey Hepburn.”

This song was different from the first one. The music behind the lyrics was much heavier and Kellin’s hair was much longer. His voice was higher in this one too. This video was released before the first one I watched so maybe puberty had finally caught up with him.

Wait, this kid could do unclean vocals? Interesting. His voice had so much range. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to do a song with him. The song ended and I was almost convinced, but I needed to hear one more song to be sure I was making the right decision. I went back to the search results and found one more music video. This one was for the title track of their first record.

This video showed a bunch of tour moments, many of them being on stage performances as well as moments with fans. Kellin seemed to do well in all of those situations. On stage he was energetic and passionate, and off stage he was goofy and smiling.

I couldn’t deny that this kid really had my attention. He also had a cute smile, but that was something I wasn’t going to dwell on.

I was convinced that doing a song with Kellin would be a great opportunity, but I couldn’t get over how young he was. He looked like he was barely out of high school. How much experience did this kid have with working with other bands?

I did another search of Kellin and his birthday. “He’s twenty-five?!” I shouted out loud. There was no way that he was only three years younger than me. Well, at least he wasn’t a child. That made this a little bit better.

Seeing that it had gotten later than I would have liked, I turned off my computer and stood from my desk. I made up my mind about Kellin. Feeling good about my decision, I got ready for bed all while figuring out what I’d say to everyone involved.

***

September 22

Hey Kellin, my name’s Vic. I think you’ve seen me mentioned in tweets

I probably could’ve started that message better, but whatever, what mattered was that I sent it. I finally bit the bullet and messaged Kellin. Yesterday I bought Sleeping With Sirens’ two albums so I could really study his voice, and damn, it was amazing. After taking that extra day to be sure that I wanted to work with him, I sent the message in the morning.

There was no doubt in my mind that Pierce The Veil was going to work with Kellin Quinn, so I sent him the message through direct message on Twitter. He replied a few minutes later.

Yeah I know about you. You’re all over my tl lol

So you know that our fans want us to work together? I asked.

Yup! It’s everywhere

I smiled softly. It was good that he had seen all of those fan requests. That made this a little less awkward.

Well I’ve listened to your stuff and I think it’s a good idea. If you’re down we can get together and make a hit!

He confirmed that he was interested. Apparently he had listened to us when the requests started and was excited to have the opportunity to work with our band. That message made me smile.

Ok I’ll talk to you once we have a plan for the song and we’ll get to work!

Sounds good!

***

October 18

I was sitting in a chair with my guitar against my body. Tony and my friends Curtis Peoples and Steve Miller were with me in a cabin in Big Bear. I needed to write for this song with Kellin and I had no idea where to start, so I went up to the cabin to get away. The other guys offered to come up to help.

“I’m just stuck,” I groaned. I wanted this song to be perfect, but I had no idea where to start.

“Well, what are you feeling right now? Whatever it is write it down and work with it.”

I took Curtis’ advice into consideration as I leaned back into my chair. How was I feeling? I was frustrated. I wanted this song with Kellin to be perfect since so many people were expecting it. We hadn’t revealed that we were working together, but I knew that once word got out the hundreds of fans on either side would be expecting something great. I didn’t want to let them down.

I also didn’t want to disappoint Kellin. He seemed so eager to work with me and I didn’t want to give him a bad impression of my song witting. There was too much riding on this one song; I thought I was going to go insane.

I ran my fingers through my hair and gripped it. There was too much weighing on my mind, putting too much pressure on me. I knew it was one song, but it was a song so many people were counting on. That made it even more important.

An idea occurred to me in that moment. I quickly turned to the face the desk I was sitting at and wrote my thoughts down – pressure, expectations, too many thoughts, pushed past breaking point.

“Vic? You good?”

I smiled brightly as I nodded. “I think our song has a theme.”

***

January 10, 2012

“I was thinking something like, ‘push me for the last time,’ or something like that.”

I nodded. “Yeah, that could work.” I leaned over to pick up my guitar. “We also added something to the instrumental. Check it out.” I played a progression that the band was thinking of adding to the beginning of the song.

“Dude, that sounds sick!” I smiled.

Kellin and I were on a FaceTime call working on our song. We’d been having video calls a lot lately. It was easier to bounce ideas on lyrics off of each other when we could see the other’s face and hear their voice.

“Oh dude, did you get my email? I sent it pretty late last night, but you know, when inspiration strikes.”

I chuckled in agreement as I went into my emails. “No, I get it. I’m the same way. Remember, last week I sent you one at two in the morning?”

He laughed. “Yeah, maybe we should stop doing that.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Kellin and I were getting to know each quite a bit with these video calls. We would talk for hours before realizing how long we were on the call. Of course, we’d start by working on the song, but then we’d get off track and chat like we were lifelong friends. It really felt like we were.

Kellin was very easy to get along with. He was a really nice guy, funny, and creative as hell. His energy worked well with mine, so we found ourselves working together almost every day.

“Yeah, I like what you have so far,” I said after reading through the lyrics Kellin had emailed me. “This is really good.”

He smiled brightly at me. “Thanks! I’m glad you like it!” I couldn’t help but smile back at him. His smile was infectious, and I think I liked it more than the lyrics he sent.

“Is there a title for it yet?”

I brought myself out of my thoughts and shook my head. “Not yet. We’re hoping to have one once the song is done.”

“Cool,” he said with a nod. “We’ve been on for a while so I think I’m gonna let you go. You’ve probably got things to record or something.”

“Something like that.” I tried really hard to hide the disappointment in my voice. Hopefully he didn’t notice.

“Alright, well I’ll send you another email when I have some more stuff.”

“And sometime in the next month I’ll send you the song demos.” The band was heading to New Jersey to record our third record in February. I figured sending Kellin studio demos would give us both an idea of where the song was and what else we needed to do.

He smiled again. “Awesome! I’m looking forward to it.” I smiled back. “I’ll see you later, Vic.”

“Seeya.” We ended the call, but I stayed sitting there thinking of his smile.

***

March 16

“How was that one?” I asked Kellin from my computer screen. We were once again on FaceTime.

“Hold on.” He typed on his keyboard then called out to someone off camera. Another minute passed and I could hear the recording I had sent him played through speakers in the room.

Kellin alternated between nodding his head along to the music and typing on his computer. When the recording was done he looked at me and smiled.

“Check your email,” was all he said. I did as he asked and read over the lyrics he had just sent.

“That’s it! That’s what we should use!” He gave me a heartfelt laugh and a bright smile.

“Great! Let me record this real quick before I forget.” Kellin had called me while he was in the studio. I asked if he was ready to hear the final master for our song from my end and he agreed. All that was left was for him to send us his master and for our producer to mix both and we’d have a completed track for our fans.

I sat back against the sofa in the studio and listened to Tony in the booth as he tracked his parts for our new album, Collide With The Sky. We had about another month in the studio booked and we were trying to get everything done so we could announce the release. This was an exciting one. We had features from so many of our friends on this upcoming record. Hopefully it would be received well.

“Okay, I’m done.” I looked back down to my computer just in time to see Kellin come back into view. “Give my producer about half an hour and I’ll send you the recording.”

“Sounds good,” I spoke with a nod. He sent me a bright smile, the same one that had been constantly making my heart skip a beat lately.

“Do we have a title for this baby yet?”

“Yeah. My brother said we should call it ‘King For A Day,’ you know, because we’re talking about wanting to overcome all this shit and feel like we’re above it all.”

He nodded along to my explanation. “That works. I can’t wait to hear the finished product.”

“Me too, but trust me, we’ve got a hit.”

***

April 20

“You ready?” Jaime asked me. I chewed on my bottom lip nervously as I read over the potential post once more.

“Dude, it’s fine, just post it,” Mike said in annoyance. I took a breath. He was right, everything was the way it should be.

We had finished recording our record a couple weeks ago and had gotten the masters back. Everything was to our liking so now it was finally time for us to announce the release of our third album.

“Post it!” Tony said excitedly. I nodded at him and hit the button that sent the post to the world.

New album “Collide With The Sky” out JULY 17th! We are very excited to announce that our new album “Collide With The Sky” will be released this Summer on July 17th! We can’t wait to show you the new songs! Till then please spread the word #CollideWithTheSky

Love ya!

-PTV :)

“It’s out there,” I said with a relieved sigh. As soon as I finished speaking my phone buzzed with a new text message.

Congrats dude! I get the first copy right?

I smiled at Kellin’s message. Of course!

“Who are you texting?” I tore my eyes away from my phone to look at Mike.

“Oh, it’s just Kellin.”

“You mean your boyfriend?”

I rolled my eyes. Mike had been teasing me lately about how much time I had spent talking to Kellin in the last few months. That was necessary though; we were writing a song together. Even though I explained that to him he still found moments to make jokes. I didn’t understand why since Kellin and I were just friends. Sure, I may have found him to be adorable, but friends can think that about their friends, right?

“Kellin’s just my friend.”

Mike smirked at me. “Sure, whatever you say.”

***

May 25

“Okay boys, we need a single for this record.”

We were sitting in an office at Fearless Records with our manager and PR representative. Collide had been announced a month ago and hype was starting to slow down. We needed to keep everyone as excited about this record as possible.

“How about ‘King’?” I suggested. “We could finally reveal that we worked with Kellin, and we’d have another fanbase behind us.”

Everyone in the room looked at each other and nodded. “That’s fine with me,” our manager said. “Let me get in touch with Kellin’s people and-”

“I already did.” Jaime looked over to me with an expression I couldn’t make out. I shrugged it off and continued. “It was Kellin’s idea, actually. His management brought it up and asked him to ask me.”

“Oh,” was the only response I got.

Was it weird that Kellin and I had talked about this? No, right? That was just one of our many conversations about the song. Of course, we had talked about other things besides that, but that was our focus.

“Okay, well let’s plan for a release date.”

Once we talked everything over I sent a confirmation text to Kellin. He agreed to our plan without hesitation. I wrote out the Tumblr post shortly after.

Your boy Vic here! We’re very stoked to announce that due to the crazy amounts of requests and tweets that we’ve both been receiving, Kellin Quinn from Sleeping With Sirens and I recorded a new song together! The song is called “King For A Day” and it will be officially released and available for download on June 5th! But for those impatient souls that can’t wait that long, we will be dropping a clip of the song this Wednesday May 30th. You asked us to make it happen and we did it just for you! This song is 100% for fans of PTV and SWS! Thank you so much, can’t wait for you to hear it!

-Vic

“King For A Day” will be found on our upcoming album Collide With The Sky. Pick it up on July 17th!

We left the office feeling very proud of ourselves. This was sure to make the fans even more excited about Pierce The Veil, Sleeping With Sirens, and Collide. I wanted to ride this high forever.

Dude this is exciting! I can’t wait to release this shit! Everyone’s gonna freak the fuck out!!!

Kellin’s text made the smile on my face grow.

Hell yeah! 🤘

He sent a quick message back. This isn’t the end for us right?

Of course not! Not even close. This is just the beginning!

Good! I’d be bummed if you said yes

Maybe it was the feeling of accomplishment that I was still riding on, or the thought of Kellin still wanting to hang out with me even after the song was out. Or maybe it was the message he’d just sent that made my heart flutter. Whatever the reason, it was at that moment that I knew I’d do anything to keep Kellin in my life.

[thewalkingdeadimaginings]

No Regrets Part 9

Ahhhhhh I’ve been away for so long what’s that about?! I’ve been very bad. Very, very bad. And I’m very sorry for the lack of posts. I suck, I’m the worst hahahaha! But I’m back with part 9 and honestly, if I could just update this story and Don’t Look Back all the freaking time I would haha. I absolutely love Mia and Daryl. I’ve grown attached to Mia…help. LOL

No Regrets Part 9

The next few weeks were amazing. Daryl still wasn’t all that great at communicating or showing much emotion but he was getting better at it. He was at least trying. He had been spending the night at Mia’s house quite a bit lately, just wanting to be around her as much as he could. And Mia loved having him around like this.

For the first time in a long time, Mia woke up that morning completely forgetting for a moment that the world had ended. The sun shone through the window, lighting up the entire room, birds chirped, and a light breeze blew through the trees. She was wrapped up in Daryl’s strong arms, his steady breathing almost relaxing her back to sleep. But she forced herself to sit up, waking Daryl in the process.

Daryl rubbed his eyes, squinting as he turned his head to look out the window. He groaned and stretched, “What time is it?”

“Early by the looks of it,” Mia replied, “So, what’s on the agenda today?”

“Nothin’ until tomorrow,” Daryl said, “Tomorrow Aaron and I are gonna go recruiting. What about you? Doin’ anything today?”

“Not really,” Mia said, “Looks like we’ve got this day to ourselves, right? What do you wanna do?”

Daryl shrugged, “I dunno. What do you wanna do?”

“If only there was more to do for fun around here,” Mia sighed, “Can’t exactly go out to dinner or dancing, can we?”

Daryl smirked, “You’d never see me dance.”

“Oh, really?” Mia giggled, sitting up in bed, “Well, we’ll just have to see about that. I’ll tell you what, I’ll go down to the pantry and grab some stuff to make us some dinner later tonight. You wanna come with me or do you wanna stay here and wait for me?”

“I’ll hang back,” Daryl replied as he got out of bed and picked his shirt up off the floor, “You can surprise me with whatever you’re gonna make.”

“Perfect,” Mia said, “Maybe I can find some more wine since you seemed to enjoy it last time.”

“Tryin’ to get me drunk again?” Daryl said teasingly, grabbing Mia’s hand before she could get too far. She squealed as he pulled her to him, his firm chest pressed against hers, “Could work out pretty good for ya this time.”

“Or you could just get really, really sleepy and goofy again,” Mia giggled. She kissed him before he could respond and she pulled away, grabbing her shoes on the way out, “I’ll be back in a few minutes!”

Mia was in luck today as Daryl and a few others had recently gone out hunting and there was some meat Mia could use for dinner. It was mostly squirrel or possum but Mia wasn’t exactly expecting there to be a bunch of chickens or cows running around the woods. She grabbed some meat, a can of green beans, a few spices, and the best part of it all in her opinion, some rice. She had discovered a rice cooker in her house when she first arrived in Alexandria but never had an opportunity to use it. Until today at least.

As Mia carried her basket of supplies back home, she heard footsteps running up to her. She turned a bit to see Spencer catching up to her but she still wasn’t happy with him for the way he’d behaved a few weeks ago so instead of stopping, she kept right on walking.

“Oh come on, Mia!” Spencer exclaimed, “Wait up!”

“Spencer, I’m not in the mood,” Mia muttered, “And I haven’t exactly forgiven you for the stuff you said about Daryl before.”

“You’re still with him,” Spencer remarked as the two of them approached Mia’s house. He chuckled, following her up the steps, “But you guys were kinda rocky for a bit, right?”

Mia rolled her eyes, “Yes, Spencer. It was just a misunderstanding that we fixed and now we’re together.”

“Living together?”

“Not really,” Mia replied, “Sometimes he stays here, sometimes I stay there. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this. It’s really none of your business, Spencer.”

“Come on, we’re friends,” Spencer argued, “We used to get personal all the time, remember?”

“My friends don’t say the nasty things you said,” Mia shot back, “And they don’t pry like this. Look, I’ve gotta get inside and put this stuff away. Just go.”

“I just gotta know,” Spencer continued, “What do you see in him? What does he have that I didn’t have?”

Mia sighed, rubbing her eyes. She was that person who insisted that men and women could be friends without there being anything sexual or romantic going on. And she thought Spencer was that kind of person too. But apparently, he was just like most men she’d known in her life, “Thank you, Spencer for feeding into that stereotype that men and women can’t just be friends.”

“Don’t act like you weren’t feeding into it too,” Spencer said.

“Stop,” Mia retorted, holding her finger up, “I have never seen you in a romantic way in the slightest. You were always my friend. At least I thought you were. For the last time, Daryl is a good man and I really like him and I care for him. And he likes me too.”

“Daryl and his group don’t belong here,” Spencer blurted out, “The priest that came with them, he told my mom about that group. They’re bad people, the things they’ve done.”

“It doesn’t shock me that they’ve done some drastic things,” Mia said, “Sometimes desperation and fear make you do crazy things. And I know in my heart that Daryl isn’t an evil person and neither is his group. I don’t know what that priest told your mom or why he decided to turn against his own group, but I don’t care. There’s nothing you can do to convince me.”

“Dammit, Mia!” Spencer shouted, throwing his arms up in frustration, “You’re too goddamn trusting of people. He’s gonna get you killed!”

The front door opened and Daryl stepped out, narrowing his eyes when he saw Spencer, “What’s goin’ on out here?”

“Nothing,” Mia said, her voice softening as she smiled at Daryl and extended her arm with her basket dangling in her hand, “Can you take this inside for me, please?”

Daryl ignored her, taking a step forward, shortening the space between her and Spencer, “What were you sayin’ just now? Wanna say it to my face?”

“Yeah,” Spencer replied, pointing his finger at Daryl, “I’m not gonna just stand by and watch while you get Mia killed.”

“You think I can’t keep her safe?” Daryl said, “What the fuck have you done hiding behind these walls? You go on the road, see how far ya get!”

“Daryl please,” Mia murmured, placing her hands on Daryl’s chest, “Let’s go inside.”

“You’re nowhere near good enough for Mia,” Spencer said, “She could do way better than you but I guess she wanted to try something new.”

Daryl tensed and Mia felt him slightly tremble but he wouldn’t break. But his silence just allowed Spencer to continue, “You’re just redneck trash, Daryl. I don’t know what the fuck you did to get Mia’s attention that no one else could do but it got you laid so you did something right!”

Mia whipped her body around without a second thought and slapped Spencer across the face. She started shoving Spencer, dropping her basket on the porch, “Get out! Get away from me I never want to see you ever again you son of a bitch!”

Spencer seemed almost hurt and confused by Mia’s rage but he complied and hurried away. When Mia turned around to face Daryl once more, he was gone. Mia sighed, her shoulders slumped as she picked her basket up and took it inside. Daryl was sitting on the windowsill, chewing on his thumbnail. Mia shut the door behind her which made Daryl turn his head to look at her. He spared a quick glance before turning back to the window.

“I’m sorry I let it get to that,” Mia mumbled, “I should’ve forced him to leave sooner.”

Daryl shrugged, “Not your fault. Nothin’ I ain’t heard before.”

“But that’s not fair to you,” Mia said, setting the basket down on the coffee table. She took a seat beside him on the windowsill, grabbing his shoulders, “Because none of it is true. I’ve never once seen you as a ‘redneck’ or you’re certainly not trash.”

“It’s okay, Mia,” Daryl said, “Really.”

“No, it’s not,” Mia argued, “You did catch my eye the moment we met but it wasn’t the way you dressed or your background or any of that. There was something in your eyes that made me notice you. You don’t say a lot but your eyes speak more than your mouth does. There was something there that drew me to you. And my instincts were right. Because I don’t wanna be here without you.”

Daryl grunted, “Yeah.”

“I know it sounds unbelievably stupid and corny,” Mia said, placing a kiss on his shoulder, “And I know it makes you uncomfortable so I’ll stop. I just need you to know that Spencer is wrong.”

Mia stood up and picked up her basket once more to put her supplies away in the kitchen. As she reached the hallway that led to the kitchen, Daryl stopped her, “Hey, it’s…it’s not stupid. Thanks, Mia.”

The smile that spread on Mia’s delicate lips made Daryl’s heart flutter. All he ever wanted in this life was to see that smile on her face. He told Spencer that he could keep Mia safe but it seemed that she was the one that made him feel safe. Maybe it was okay to be saved once in a while. Maybe this was the way relationships were supposed to be. He still had a lot to learn but at least he wasn’t alone. He knew Mia was still figuring things out too. He had her and suddenly Spencer’s bullshit didn’t matter anymore. It was comforting to know that it never mattered to Mia. He was hers and she was his right from the start.

[trendingnewsb]

How President Trump Has Ruined Comedy

My name is Daniel O’Brien. I’ve had sex in over two different countries and engaged in some light, patriotic hand stuff in four. I used to write a weekly column for the comedy website Cracked Dot Com, and now I am its Creative Director of Video and Content Development, because ever since my boss left, there has been no one around to stop me from adding words to my title, which I do all the time and without warning.

On the day that I started writing this article, I count seven pieces of content on the front page of Cracked which are explicitly political, and two which directly mention President Trump in the title and feature him in the thumbnail. In 2017, under my leadership as the Creative Director of Video, Content Development, and Espionage, we launched two new shows to cover the current administration: the short-lived After The Trump and the still-living Some News. We have always (always) talked about politics on this site, but we did not have equivalent content during either the Obama or Bush administrations. That is definitely true. On that score, we have changed.

A lot of people say they appreciate the political coverage we’ve done, but a few have expressed that they’d rather we avoid politics, and have done so in tones ranging from politely respectful to … less so.

Twitter

Some people tweet or reach out to us to say “I miss when Cracked was just funny” or “I came here to get AWAY from politics” or “Bring back The Daily Nooner” or

“You should just stick to comedy.”

Here’s the thing: I completely agree with you.

I also wish I could just do stupid fucking jokes again. Honestly, I think I’m better at them than I am as a contributor to Some News or shrieking about voter fraud. As important as that topic is to me (very, please go to Let America Vote to learn how you can help), I’d much rather it be covered by someone smarter than me while I focus on what I’m better at (which would be, gun to my head, 1,500 words of dialog-driven nonsense starring a fictionalized version of myself who can’t spell and is also a war criminal).

And is that a surprise to you? Haven’t you followed me? Don’t you think I’d rather be talking about Spider-Man and my stupid, stupid dick? I would!

I don’t want to cover Hillary Rodham Clinton substantively; I want to make jokes like “The ‘Rodham’ in her name is short for “‘Rodney Hampton.'” That’s as political as I’d like to be, but the realities of our world make it sort of impossible to stay out of politics, so I bought her friggin’ book instead. A few years ago, you could ask me about comics. Today I’m ready to host a boring conference on What Happened, Giant Of The Senate, The Devil’s Bargain, and whatever that piece of shit Ben Sasse called his piece-of-shit book. And I hate that about me.

You have to understand something. When we accidentally gave a flailing, possum-faced, rotting egg the most important job in the world, the people at Cracked didn’t say, “Aha! Finally an opportunity for us to pivot away from nonfiction comedic list articles and strange personality-driven columns to focus on our true love: a thoroughly researched topical news show about Nazis, Antifa, the works of Jean Paul Sartre, and the troubling ways those three things intercept in our increasingly terrifying world. Haw!” I don’t want to do that. None of us want to do that. We want to walk around the office pronouncing it “Jean Paul Star Trek” and then write videos about a man who got confused and had sex with a pumpkin at an adult pumpkin-carving party, which isn’t even a thing that exists.

You’ve no doubt seen a similar call to keep politics out of sports over the last few weeks. An historically unprecedented amount of football players and (lol) owners are kneeling or engaging in some other kind of protest to oppose either the president generally or the shooting of unarmed black men by police. (It’s not super clear at this point. It certainly began with the latter and seems to be getting hijacked by the former.) “I support the idea of the protest, but keep your politics out of sports,” is a sentiment you’ve no doubt seen.

They want us to stick to jokes, and I would LOVE to stick to jokes. I don’t know any professional football players personally, but I bet they’d also prefer to just play football. I bet they also long for a time when their Sundays were spent running and hitting and throwing and catching as hard as they can without the added stress of figuring out where they fit into a national, historical movement. It would be easier for them if there was no politics in football, because before there were politics in football, they didn’t have to think about kneeling or not, and they didn’t have to deal with the booing if they did. But now they have to consider it. As Jason pointed out months ago, even keeping politics out of sports (or pop culture or writing) is itself a political move.

(Also, we should, uh, probably cancel football. Goddammit I hate my growing awareness and responsibility!)

Politics is everywhere and everything is political. Which sucks for me, because I’m an idiot. I’m not some politics guy, I’m Deany O’Beanz, Cracked.com’s Creative Director of Upside-Down Sex Stuff. Believe me, when Wendy’s unveiled their new Bacon Mozzarella Burger last year, I wanted to write a parody song of the opening number to Hamilton, changing the lyrics from “Alexander Hamilton” to “Mozzarella Hamburger,” but our president told us all to boycott Hamilton, so now even mentioning it feels like a political statement.

…

The two dolla’, flavor-hauler with fresh garlic/

is a steal, darlin’, they are for real chargin’/

a measly two dollas. I am a food scholar.

Believe me, this shit is Delicious Incarnate.

I mean, you get it, that’s airtight, you love it, this shit would have been glorious.

I miss doing pointless jokes like that. I would rather be writing columns about dumb internet stuff and other weird things that used to occupy my brain. I miss doing jokes making fun of bad websites. I would still be making fun of bad websites if we had a better president. Like John Mayer’s haunted fucking nightmare self-indulgent dream wall. Look at this child’s sandbox of a website:

John Mayer

If you move the cursor around, John Mayer’s stupid eyes follow you all over town.

Nice website, dickface. Does the strap around your stupid head featuring vaguely Native American imagery represent your plan to appropriate another culture with your music? Your album’s called Search For Everything. Do you actually find anything, or is it mostly going to be a bunch of songs about fucking on a Sunday or whatever and realizing for the first time at 23 years old that the girls you have sex with will eventually turn into the mothers you won’t? You’ve got a bunch of dumb spinny art on your website. You, uh … suck. Hahahahaha.

That was just off the top of my head. If this were three years ago, I’d have squeezed, no joke, 6,000 words out of this website. But things being what they are, I only went to this website after John Mayer posted a surprisingly cogent argument for gun control in the wake of the tragic mass shooting in Las Vegas a few weeks ago.

Uproxx

Dammit! That’s where I’m at! Global Source of Ridicule and Professional Annoying Guy at a Party John Mayer only made his way to my radar because he was talking about sensible gun control.

All I want to do is talk to you all about The Property Brothers, a show I’m obsessed with. For those who don’t know, Property Brothers is a reality show allegedly about identical twin brothers, but in actuality they’re clones of the same cursed person and the only difference is that one of them does magic but the show doesn’t mention it, and I guess they flip, fix, build, or sell houses, depending on their mood. (I say “mood” instead of “moods” because, like their heart and dreams, they both share one mood at all times.) It’s the most compelling and unsettling TV I’ve ever seen. I’ve been working on an unauthorized novel about being the Property Brother who “got out” of the family, but I had to put it on hold because I need to remember to call my representatives about either the newest needlessly cruel healthcare bill or insidious attempts at gerrymandering or whatever the fuck haunted puppet Jefferson Fucking Beauregard Fucking Sessions the Fucking Third is up to when I can’t see him — which is often, because he’s only allowed to come out when innocent people are asleep.

One time I showed Jeff Sessions a missing child’s picture on the back of a milk carton, and he said, “That doesn’t look like much of anything to me.” His favorite TV show is “the weather,” and his least-favorite cartoons are the ones where two different kinds of animals are friends. He eats applesauce for every meal, and every night before prayers, he doesn’t have sex with a glass of warm milk — he just puts his dick in it, leaves it there for a while, and hums a little song about bugs to himself.

One time I met Jeff Sessions at a party and said, “Why are you so racist and awful?” and he took one of his teeth out and put it in my palm and said “Shh,” and then winked like “I’ll never tell,” but legit he is the most dangerous person in America right now. Anyway, that tooth sprouted legs and sprinted to Charlottesville and Sessions is gunning for Nazi MVP and I hate that most of my time is spent tracking Sessions when I used to just do jokes about movies.

This is going to feel like an abrupt transition, but I promise it’s related. The new It is the biggest movie in the world right now, shattering records constantly, and I would love to talk about it. But do you want to know what my over-thought, Daniel O’Brien, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder-esque observations are?

1. This movie resonated with so many people because the concept of an overtly, undeniably evil force emerging in a hugely visible way after being hitherto concealed right beneath an allegedly safe town’s surface for so long is striking a chord with a lot of people who are just waking up to the fact that the systemic and institutionalized issues of real racism which we thought we conquered a hundred times are still here, still strong, and still evil. We thought Derry was safe, but no, the monster was waiting in the shadows for the right time to pop out. We had civil rights and elected a black president, so we thought everything was cool … until actual Nazis who lived next door suddenly stopped being too ashamed to admit they were Nazis the whole time.

2. Pennywise is such an effective monster for a lot of modern Americans who can relate to the idea of an evil clown who only exists because (and indeed, gets stronger when) we give it attention.

I used to talk about how Luke Skywalker was probably a virgin. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m incapable of not finding parallels to our current political situation. Show me an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants from 2001 today, and I guarantee you I’ll find a link between Steve Bannon and Plankton, and what’s weirder is that I will completely believe it because I see politics everywhere now.

I want to spend too much time over-analyzing the latest Spider-Man movie, because as Cracked’s Creative Director of Video with a Minor in Spider-Man and a Concentration in International Hot-Tubbing, people expect me to have an informed take on all things Spider-Man. Instead I’ve spent six months researching the fucking Mercer family, a clown car cabal of rich maniacs who can singlehandedly control the results of an election and make the Koch Brothers seem tame by comparison. Please get excited about my next book, I Used To Make Jokes Until I Realized The Corrupt And Insane Mercer Family Will Buy Our Next Four Presidential Elections, due sometime in 20-never, because I’ll be too sad to write it.

I can’t stay out of politics, because politics is everywhere. When the president yells about Saturday Night Live, the NFL, the NBA, the Emmy Awards, Facebook, and a dozen other things in the same 30-day period, my even mentioning those things means whatever I’m talking about is political in some way.

At Cracked, we come into work every day to brainstorm ideas for content, and consistently the most important thing that’s happening in the world at any given time has been related to our president. I mean, there was one day a few months ago when a five-star idiot was like, “I bravely love my fucking big fat wife so much, you guys should give me a medal,” and we all had some tremendous apolitical fun with that for about 24 hours, but otherwise it’s been the Trump show, all day, every day.

(God, I miss that golden idiot who thought grabbing a big ass should make him mayor.)

I can’t keep politics out of my work on Cracked because I can’t keep it out of my own private life. When I visit my family, we’ll catch up and talk about recent movies we’ve seen, and eventually the conversation will end up like, “Yeah, work’s going great, I’ve been golfing more, I went to the Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time, the New York Football Giants are fucking garbage, it’s a shame about Puerto Rico, and did you hear what outrageous thing the president said about [X]?” If you’re catching up with your family, how do you NOT mention the most recent thing our president did?

Or I’ll be on a first date with someone, exchanging totally normal basic, casual first date conversation stuff (“Do you think Big Boi should be considered an elite rapper?” or “When was the first time in your life you interacted with someone of a different race from you?”), and without fail, one person will bring up the latest antics of our president. These are the kinds of conversations I have on a date with a new person:

Person: So what do you do in your free time?

Daniel: I like to run, I hang out with my dog, I read a bunch. But I guess most of my time is spent staring at Axios, Twitter, and The Week to stay up to date on our increasingly warlike tensions with North Korea.

Person: We can’t listen to “Rocket Man” anymore!

Daniel: I KNOW, HE TOOK IT FROM US!

Or:

Daniel: So, you like your job?

Person: I do. I like the people I work with, the hours are good, it’s challenging, the benefits are decent.

Daniel: …

Person: Of course, all of our benefits may change if this new GOP healthcare bill gets rammed through.

Daniel: Without a proper CBO score.

Person: Right.

Daniel: Do we know where the votes stand now?

Person: Paul is definitely a ‘No,’ we’re still waiting on Murkowski and Collins because they haven’t officially declared yet.

Daniel: It’s still too close.

Person: Pack of bastards.

Daniel: Pack of halfwit bastards.

Daniel O’Brien, Cracked’s Creative Director of Video and Slam Dunk Czar.

I know I’m more informed today than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and that’s probably good, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m so fucking bummed about the amount of senators I know the names of. Seven years ago, if someone asked me to name ten senators, I’d say, “Like, government senators or the old baseball team the Senators? Either way, I don’t know, maybe two? At any rate, I’m not going to answer your question because the series finale of Lost is about to air and it’s gonna be perfect, babyyyyy, gonna answer all of Deany’s questions, babyyyyyy! ‘California Gurls’! Angry Birds! It’s still okay to like Louis C.K.! ‘Magic’ feat. Weezer! it is two thousand teeeeeeeeeeen!”

The president wants us to boycott the NFL, the Golden State Warriors, most news, Facebook, SNL, the Emmys, uh … Puerto Rico, I guess. I can’t keep politics out of Cracked because I can’t keep it out of anything, and I don’t know how anyone does. If I showed up in a town and the mayor was like, “Oh, we don’t talk about politics here, we don’t even pay attention to it,” I’d think “Wow, you’re going to miss some pretty intense shit. One time at work I went to the bathroom for a full 20 minutes, and when I got back to my desk, Reince Priebus had resigned and Scaramucci’s wife had filed for divorce and Eric Trump’s pubes turned see-thru and we probably loosely declared war on someone.”

And again, I also wish I could go back to doing dumb jokes. And I’m not weaving in political stuff because I feel some journalistic obligation; I’m doing it because I don’t think it’s possible to talk about anything without the framework of politics. Or I guess I can talk about football through the framework of how we should stop watching it because of CTE? Would that be better? Like, it’s a bummer that Colin Kaepernick doesn’t have a job while some barely sentient mannequin gets paid millions to throw for the Bears, but maybe it’s ultimately a good thing, because it lowers the chance that Kap will get the hot new murder brain damage that’s sweeping the sports nation? Is that … better?

Daniel O’Brien is Cracked’s Strongest Intern and the author of How to Fight Presidents and the children’s book adaptation, Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team, both of which you can buy wherever you want. He also wasn’t lying about that Property Brothers book. He will be releasing it for free one chapter at a time and you can get it if you subscribe to his newsletter right here.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out 8 Less Known Trump Stories That’d Derail Any Other Campaign and How Half Of America Lost Its F**king Mind.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see what other kinds of trouble Trump’s brain-worms have gotten up to in A Brief History Of Donald Trump’s Many, Many, Many Lawsuits, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

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Want to know how to go mano-a-mano with a president? Daniel O’Brien can help with How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country.

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[trendingnewsb]

How President Trump Has Ruined Comedy

My name is Daniel O’Brien. I’ve had sex in over two different countries and engaged in some light, patriotic hand stuff in four. I used to write a weekly column for the comedy website Cracked Dot Com, and now I am its Creative Director of Video and Content Development, because ever since my boss left, there has been no one around to stop me from adding words to my title, which I do all the time and without warning.

On the day that I started writing this article, I count seven pieces of content on the front page of Cracked which are explicitly political, and two which directly mention President Trump in the title and feature him in the thumbnail. In 2017, under my leadership as the Creative Director of Video, Content Development, and Espionage, we launched two new shows to cover the current administration: the short-lived After The Trump and the still-living Some News. We have always (always) talked about politics on this site, but we did not have equivalent content during either the Obama or Bush administrations. That is definitely true. On that score, we have changed.

A lot of people say they appreciate the political coverage we’ve done, but a few have expressed that they’d rather we avoid politics, and have done so in tones ranging from politely respectful to … less so.

Twitter

Some people tweet or reach out to us to say “I miss when Cracked was just funny” or “I came here to get AWAY from politics” or “Bring back The Daily Nooner” or

“You should just stick to comedy.”

Here’s the thing: I completely agree with you.

I also wish I could just do stupid fucking jokes again. Honestly, I think I’m better at them than I am as a contributor to Some News or shrieking about voter fraud. As important as that topic is to me (very, please go to Let America Vote to learn how you can help), I’d much rather it be covered by someone smarter than me while I focus on what I’m better at (which would be, gun to my head, 1,500 words of dialog-driven nonsense starring a fictionalized version of myself who can’t spell and is also a war criminal).

And is that a surprise to you? Haven’t you followed me? Don’t you think I’d rather be talking about Spider-Man and my stupid, stupid dick? I would!

I don’t want to cover Hillary Rodham Clinton substantively; I want to make jokes like “The ‘Rodham’ in her name is short for “‘Rodney Hampton.'” That’s as political as I’d like to be, but the realities of our world make it sort of impossible to stay out of politics, so I bought her friggin’ book instead. A few years ago, you could ask me about comics. Today I’m ready to host a boring conference on What Happened, Giant Of The Senate, The Devil’s Bargain, and whatever that piece of shit Ben Sasse called his piece-of-shit book. And I hate that about me.

You have to understand something. When we accidentally gave a flailing, possum-faced, rotting egg the most important job in the world, the people at Cracked didn’t say, “Aha! Finally an opportunity for us to pivot away from nonfiction comedic list articles and strange personality-driven columns to focus on our true love: a thoroughly researched topical news show about Nazis, Antifa, the works of Jean Paul Sartre, and the troubling ways those three things intercept in our increasingly terrifying world. Haw!” I don’t want to do that. None of us want to do that. We want to walk around the office pronouncing it “Jean Paul Star Trek” and then write videos about a man who got confused and had sex with a pumpkin at an adult pumpkin-carving party, which isn’t even a thing that exists.

You’ve no doubt seen a similar call to keep politics out of sports over the last few weeks. An historically unprecedented amount of football players and (lol) owners are kneeling or engaging in some other kind of protest to oppose either the president generally or the shooting of unarmed black men by police. (It’s not super clear at this point. It certainly began with the latter and seems to be getting hijacked by the former.) “I support the idea of the protest, but keep your politics out of sports,” is a sentiment you’ve no doubt seen.

They want us to stick to jokes, and I would LOVE to stick to jokes. I don’t know any professional football players personally, but I bet they’d also prefer to just play football. I bet they also long for a time when their Sundays were spent running and hitting and throwing and catching as hard as they can without the added stress of figuring out where they fit into a national, historical movement. It would be easier for them if there was no politics in football, because before there were politics in football, they didn’t have to think about kneeling or not, and they didn’t have to deal with the booing if they did. But now they have to consider it. As Jason pointed out months ago, even keeping politics out of sports (or pop culture or writing) is itself a political move.

(Also, we should, uh, probably cancel football. Goddammit I hate my growing awareness and responsibility!)

Politics is everywhere and everything is political. Which sucks for me, because I’m an idiot. I’m not some politics guy, I’m Deany O’Beanz, Cracked.com’s Creative Director of Upside-Down Sex Stuff. Believe me, when Wendy’s unveiled their new Bacon Mozzarella Burger last year, I wanted to write a parody song of the opening number to Hamilton, changing the lyrics from “Alexander Hamilton” to “Mozzarella Hamburger,” but our president told us all to boycott Hamilton, so now even mentioning it feels like a political statement.

…

The two dolla’, flavor-hauler with fresh garlic/

is a steal, darlin’, they are for real chargin’/

a measly two dollas. I am a food scholar.

Believe me, this shit is Delicious Incarnate.

I mean, you get it, that’s airtight, you love it, this shit would have been glorious.

I miss doing pointless jokes like that. I would rather be writing columns about dumb internet stuff and other weird things that used to occupy my brain. I miss doing jokes making fun of bad websites. I would still be making fun of bad websites if we had a better president. Like John Mayer’s haunted fucking nightmare self-indulgent dream wall. Look at this child’s sandbox of a website:

John Mayer

If you move the cursor around, John Mayer’s stupid eyes follow you all over town.

Nice website, dickface. Does the strap around your stupid head featuring vaguely Native American imagery represent your plan to appropriate another culture with your music? Your album’s called Search For Everything. Do you actually find anything, or is it mostly going to be a bunch of songs about fucking on a Sunday or whatever and realizing for the first time at 23 years old that the girls you have sex with will eventually turn into the mothers you won’t? You’ve got a bunch of dumb spinny art on your website. You, uh … suck. Hahahahaha.

That was just off the top of my head. If this were three years ago, I’d have squeezed, no joke, 6,000 words out of this website. But things being what they are, I only went to this website after John Mayer posted a surprisingly cogent argument for gun control in the wake of the tragic mass shooting in Las Vegas a few weeks ago.

Uproxx

Dammit! That’s where I’m at! Global Source of Ridicule and Professional Annoying Guy at a Party John Mayer only made his way to my radar because he was talking about sensible gun control.

All I want to do is talk to you all about The Property Brothers, a show I’m obsessed with. For those who don’t know, Property Brothers is a reality show allegedly about identical twin brothers, but in actuality they’re clones of the same cursed person and the only difference is that one of them does magic but the show doesn’t mention it, and I guess they flip, fix, build, or sell houses, depending on their mood. (I say “mood” instead of “moods” because, like their heart and dreams, they both share one mood at all times.) It’s the most compelling and unsettling TV I’ve ever seen. I’ve been working on an unauthorized novel about being the Property Brother who “got out” of the family, but I had to put it on hold because I need to remember to call my representatives about either the newest needlessly cruel healthcare bill or insidious attempts at gerrymandering or whatever the fuck haunted puppet Jefferson Fucking Beauregard Fucking Sessions the Fucking Third is up to when I can’t see him — which is often, because he’s only allowed to come out when innocent people are asleep.

One time I showed Jeff Sessions a missing child’s picture on the back of a milk carton, and he said, “That doesn’t look like much of anything to me.” His favorite TV show is “the weather,” and his least-favorite cartoons are the ones where two different kinds of animals are friends. He eats applesauce for every meal, and every night before prayers, he doesn’t have sex with a glass of warm milk — he just puts his dick in it, leaves it there for a while, and hums a little song about bugs to himself.

One time I met Jeff Sessions at a party and said, “Why are you so racist and awful?” and he took one of his teeth out and put it in my palm and said “Shh,” and then winked like “I’ll never tell,” but legit he is the most dangerous person in America right now. Anyway, that tooth sprouted legs and sprinted to Charlottesville and Sessions is gunning for Nazi MVP and I hate that most of my time is spent tracking Sessions when I used to just do jokes about movies.

This is going to feel like an abrupt transition, but I promise it’s related. The new It is the biggest movie in the world right now, shattering records constantly, and I would love to talk about it. But do you want to know what my over-thought, Daniel O’Brien, Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder-esque observations are?

1. This movie resonated with so many people because the concept of an overtly, undeniably evil force emerging in a hugely visible way after being hitherto concealed right beneath an allegedly safe town’s surface for so long is striking a chord with a lot of people who are just waking up to the fact that the systemic and institutionalized issues of real racism which we thought we conquered a hundred times are still here, still strong, and still evil. We thought Derry was safe, but no, the monster was waiting in the shadows for the right time to pop out. We had civil rights and elected a black president, so we thought everything was cool … until actual Nazis who lived next door suddenly stopped being too ashamed to admit they were Nazis the whole time.

2. Pennywise is such an effective monster for a lot of modern Americans who can relate to the idea of an evil clown who only exists because (and indeed, gets stronger when) we give it attention.

I used to talk about how Luke Skywalker was probably a virgin. Are you fucking kidding me? I’m incapable of not finding parallels to our current political situation. Show me an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants from 2001 today, and I guarantee you I’ll find a link between Steve Bannon and Plankton, and what’s weirder is that I will completely believe it because I see politics everywhere now.

I want to spend too much time over-analyzing the latest Spider-Man movie, because as Cracked’s Creative Director of Video with a Minor in Spider-Man and a Concentration in International Hot-Tubbing, people expect me to have an informed take on all things Spider-Man. Instead I’ve spent six months researching the fucking Mercer family, a clown car cabal of rich maniacs who can singlehandedly control the results of an election and make the Koch Brothers seem tame by comparison. Please get excited about my next book, I Used To Make Jokes Until I Realized The Corrupt And Insane Mercer Family Will Buy Our Next Four Presidential Elections, due sometime in 20-never, because I’ll be too sad to write it.

I can’t stay out of politics, because politics is everywhere. When the president yells about Saturday Night Live, the NFL, the NBA, the Emmy Awards, Facebook, and a dozen other things in the same 30-day period, my even mentioning those things means whatever I’m talking about is political in some way.

At Cracked, we come into work every day to brainstorm ideas for content, and consistently the most important thing that’s happening in the world at any given time has been related to our president. I mean, there was one day a few months ago when a five-star idiot was like, “I bravely love my fucking big fat wife so much, you guys should give me a medal,” and we all had some tremendous apolitical fun with that for about 24 hours, but otherwise it’s been the Trump show, all day, every day.

(God, I miss that golden idiot who thought grabbing a big ass should make him mayor.)

I can’t keep politics out of my work on Cracked because I can’t keep it out of my own private life. When I visit my family, we’ll catch up and talk about recent movies we’ve seen, and eventually the conversation will end up like, “Yeah, work’s going great, I’ve been golfing more, I went to the Aquarium of the Pacific for the first time, the New York Football Giants are fucking garbage, it’s a shame about Puerto Rico, and did you hear what outrageous thing the president said about [X]?” If you’re catching up with your family, how do you NOT mention the most recent thing our president did?

Or I’ll be on a first date with someone, exchanging totally normal basic, casual first date conversation stuff (“Do you think Big Boi should be considered an elite rapper?” or “When was the first time in your life you interacted with someone of a different race from you?”), and without fail, one person will bring up the latest antics of our president. These are the kinds of conversations I have on a date with a new person:

Person: So what do you do in your free time?

Daniel: I like to run, I hang out with my dog, I read a bunch. But I guess most of my time is spent staring at Axios, Twitter, and The Week to stay up to date on our increasingly warlike tensions with North Korea.

Person: We can’t listen to “Rocket Man” anymore!

Daniel: I KNOW, HE TOOK IT FROM US!

Or:

Daniel: So, you like your job?

Person: I do. I like the people I work with, the hours are good, it’s challenging, the benefits are decent.

Daniel: …

Person: Of course, all of our benefits may change if this new GOP healthcare bill gets rammed through.

Daniel: Without a proper CBO score.

Person: Right.

Daniel: Do we know where the votes stand now?

Person: Paul is definitely a ‘No,’ we’re still waiting on Murkowski and Collins because they haven’t officially declared yet.

Daniel: It’s still too close.

Person: Pack of bastards.

Daniel: Pack of halfwit bastards.

Daniel O’Brien, Cracked’s Creative Director of Video and Slam Dunk Czar.

I know I’m more informed today than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and that’s probably good, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m so fucking bummed about the amount of senators I know the names of. Seven years ago, if someone asked me to name ten senators, I’d say, “Like, government senators or the old baseball team the Senators? Either way, I don’t know, maybe two? At any rate, I’m not going to answer your question because the series finale of Lost is about to air and it’s gonna be perfect, babyyyyy, gonna answer all of Deany’s questions, babyyyyyy! ‘California Gurls’! Angry Birds! It’s still okay to like Louis C.K.! ‘Magic’ feat. Weezer! it is two thousand teeeeeeeeeeen!”

The president wants us to boycott the NFL, the Golden State Warriors, most news, Facebook, SNL, the Emmys, uh … Puerto Rico, I guess. I can’t keep politics out of Cracked because I can’t keep it out of anything, and I don’t know how anyone does. If I showed up in a town and the mayor was like, “Oh, we don’t talk about politics here, we don’t even pay attention to it,” I’d think “Wow, you’re going to miss some pretty intense shit. One time at work I went to the bathroom for a full 20 minutes, and when I got back to my desk, Reince Priebus had resigned and Scaramucci’s wife had filed for divorce and Eric Trump’s pubes turned see-thru and we probably loosely declared war on someone.”

And again, I also wish I could go back to doing dumb jokes. And I’m not weaving in political stuff because I feel some journalistic obligation; I’m doing it because I don’t think it’s possible to talk about anything without the framework of politics. Or I guess I can talk about football through the framework of how we should stop watching it because of CTE? Would that be better? Like, it’s a bummer that Colin Kaepernick doesn’t have a job while some barely sentient mannequin gets paid millions to throw for the Bears, but maybe it’s ultimately a good thing, because it lowers the chance that Kap will get the hot new murder brain damage that’s sweeping the sports nation? Is that … better?

Daniel O’Brien is Cracked’s Strongest Intern and the author of How to Fight Presidents and the children’s book adaptation, Your Presidential Fantasy Dream Team, both of which you can buy wherever you want. He also wasn’t lying about that Property Brothers book. He will be releasing it for free one chapter at a time and you can get it if you subscribe to his newsletter right here.

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