#the guilt tripping parent ready to say just how badly you messed up

[therealraewest]

Jumping feet first into Moon Knight comics and I still have a lot of ground to cover but the difference between this in the 2014 run

Of Marc calling on Khonshu for a favor and him immediately complying vs the 2021 run

Calling out multiple times, with the same verbiage, but Khonshu only responding when he gets what he wants out of Marc (recognizing Khonshu as father) is just ugh

[husbandograveyard]

Hello!! Congratulations on 300!! Love your writing could I request Ace and #47? Hope you a nice day!!

Hiya! Thank you!!! Some freckly boi goodness for the final scenario of this event! Thank you for participating (and please check your PM for your giveaway prize) I hope you like this scenario!! Enjoy! 

4th time is the charm - Ace x Reader 

Cliche with bae prompt #47: “I have loved you for years” Character: Ace - Word count: 2k 

The first time you were children. A marine ship had come into town, and curiosity had taken over: the vice-admiral leading the ship had brought with him two young boys, his grandsons, who seemed less than impressed with the trip their grandfather took them on. You loudly heard them declare something about pirates and trying to sneak away from their grandpa. And you, a child on the island often running away and hiding, knew just the places to get the boys to! Only the eldest saw your motions and ditched his younger brother without a trace of doubt. 

You learned his name was Ace, the younger brother’s name was Luffy. Ace cared about Luffy, but like many brothers, he didn’t always show. “Besides, he’s got grandpa looking after him.” The two of you (and sometimes the three of you) always ended up playing together on the island for hours on end, oftentimes either their grandpa or your parents looking for you around dinnertime. When they eventually left the island, you hugged him tightly, telling him to visit again if his grandpa would come to the island again. You even cried a little after the ship disappeared from the horizon. 

The second time was when Ace had just become a pirate. You were both just teenagers, just starting to figure out what you wanted in life, but he was already so strong, so determined. He was traveling island to island, trying to recruit people for his crew. When you recognized him, you spent multiple days catching up. But at the end of his visit, he wouldn’t take you along on his travels. “You’re too weak y/n, I wouldn’t want you getting hurt because of the pirate life”. 

You were incredibly hurt, more than you thought you’d be. You asked him if he’d by come again if he would take you along when you were stronger. “You’ll have to prove your strength y/n”, he said, “but if you are strong enough, I’ll take you along.” That was enough to set your heart ablaze, and you wished that the hug goodbye would never end. It did, unfortunately, but you did not cry as he left the island this time. You were determined to get stronger.

And thus you trained every single day, no matter how sore you were from the day before. And you did get stronger. Became skilled with many weapons, started learning Haki. You were contemplating leaving the island to go look for a devil fruit. But you couldn’t really leave now, not when Ace might come by again and take you along on his travels.

Years went by and you kept an eye on the newspapers and saw how he became more and more notorious. He and his Spade pirates were making a name for themselves. He’d eaten a devil fruit and had even refused a position as a shichibukai, and even though it made your heart swell with pride and even maybe even a little love, it also made you worried. You were strong, but not that strong, and it had been years now. Maybe he’d never return at all. 

The third time you met was after he’d already joined the Whitebeard pirates and you had started traveling on your own. Tired of waiting for him, and half-convinced he was not going to show up anymore, you were now going from island to island, combining low-level bounty hunting with each and every little job you could find in order to keep in shape and earn money to support your travels and upgrade your weapons. You were not sure what your long-term goals were exactly, maybe you wanted to join a pirate crew eventually, but for now, you settled for exploring the world. You had seen amazing things already and you were sure there were plenty of adventures still to come.

When you heard a ruckus outside, you were pretty sure another pirate crew was on its way to the bar where you were working at the moment. It was one of the biggest in town, and you had seen your fair share of pirates. You just hoped they weren’t the angry types of drunks. Not that you couldn’t handle them, they were just a way bigger pain to deal with. 

When the door opened, you looked up smiling, ready to greet the new guests, but fell immediately speechless when the first thing you saw was the freckled face of the man you had been waiting for at home. He was just as surprised to see you as you were to see him, and long, firm hugs were exchanged, with plenty of unnecessary comments from his crew. You provided him and his friends with drinks and spent the entire night almost neglecting other customers in order to catch up with Ace. 

He apologized for not coming to get you and explained how he had found this crew, or family, as he’d like to call them. He told you of his adventures so far, and you told him about yours. Yours weren’t nearly as impressive as his were, but he still listened to you intently, asking questions and praising your strength and skilled that you had honed over the years. You didn’t dare tell him it was all for him, in hopes he’d take you along after that. You didn’t get to explain too much, somewhere halfway through one of your stories his head suddenly drooped and he fell asleep right then and there. The crew laughed and explained to you that it was quite a common occurrence and to just wait it out. 

By the time he woke up, it was nearing the morning, everyone leaving so you could close the bar for the night. Ace apologized profusely, and you told him he could make it up to you by meeting you again the next day. His ears were turning red and he looked positively embarrassed, but he did say yes, avoiding any and all eye contact before he waved you goodbye and followed the rest of the crew back to the ship. 

The next day he met you at the back of the bar, and you took him to one of the more quiet places on the island, enjoying the view together. There were no awkward silences, conversation flowed so easily and it had been as if you were talking for years on end, not these random faithful encounters that made your heart flutter every single time. You were wondering if you should tell him how you feel, but now that you were on your own adventure, it would not be as easy to keep up a relationship as it would have been all those years ago. Besides, he had his own family now, no use in trying to work your way into his world, which was always so different from yours.

You were sitting together for a while when he suddenly stopped talking, his head falling onto your shoulder, and because you weren’t prepared and flinched when it happened, slipped onto your lap. He was fast asleep again, in a position that didn't really seem comfortable. You tried to gently shake him awake but to no avail. You tried to move his body as much as you could to make him at least a little bit more comfortable and made sure his neck wasn’t bent in a funny way that could potentially hurt him when he woke up. Not wanting to move now that he seemed relaxed, and softly snoring, you settled for raking your hands through his hair. Although he was sleeping soundly, Ace seemed to lean into your touch a little. 

When you grew tired of curling his locks around your fingers -you didn’t want to mess his hair up too badly-, you settled for counting his freckles, softly tracing those on his shoulders. You felt him shift a little and pulled your hand back when you looked down and saw his eyes were open, something in between a gentle smile and a full-on grin on his face, mixed in with some embarrassment, out of all times to fall asleep, this wasn’t the best possible moment.  

A few moments of slightly uncomfortable silence and some insanely intense eye contact later, Ace sat up straight again and was on his feet. You followed suit, walking back, it had become quite late and he didn’t want to worry his crewmates. You understood but felt the pang in your heart as he said goodbye. You pulled him in for a hug, which he returned. When you let go, he still held onto your arms, as if he wanted to say something more, the words ready to roll off his tongue. And yet he seemed to swallow them. You couldn’t get yourself to spill your feelings either, so heartfelt goodbyes were all that was exchanged that night. 

You regretted not saying or doing anything from that moment on. The next morning the big ship was nowhere to be seen, and you had no idea when you’d ever see him again. With both of you actively traveling, the possibility of you running into each other again was insanely small. But you moved on nonetheless. 

The fourth and final time was when Ace was solo traveling as well, and you did not recognize him as you were sprinting to get the final spot in an overcrowded bar. You jumped onto the barstool only to bump right into a muscular chest who’d been just a little faster to claim that final spot for some drinks and dinner. You cursed loudly and were surprised when you heard someone call out your name. Ace. 

He quickly offered you the spot, and another evening of catching up ensued, and he told you all about how he was going after someone from his division that had killed another of his family. You listened intently as you saw the pain and guilt on his face when he blamed himself for not being able to catch this man. Your heart made all sorts of jumps when he placed his hand on yours and told you not to worry. You made up your mind right then and there. 

“I want to come along with you” “y/n… I don’t think..” “I won’t get in your way, I won’t fight if you tell me not to, and even if you say no, I’ll just be happening to travel in the same direction as you are.” You shrugged and he couldn’t help but laugh at that statement. “Don’t you have your own adventures to live?” “Oh Ace, I initially traveled to seek you out.” His smile faded as he looked at you confused. “I have been in love with you for years now. Please take me along, I cannot take another goodbye.” His mouth opened and closed a few times to say something, his brain obviously not catching up with what you had just said, and you made the bold move of leaning forward and softly pressing your lips to his in order to put some action behind your words. You were careful though, so he could still reject them in case you had completely misread the situation. 

You had not: once he got over the initial shock of the situation, he wrapped one arm around your waist, the other sneaking to the back of your head so he could deepen the kiss. You only pulled back when the bartender made a clicking noise, not the best place to share an intense kiss while other people were just trying to enjoy their meal. You both were blushing as you looked in each other’s eyes. 

“I thought I’d never get you to travel along with me. I love you y/n. Always have, for all these y-” His head slumped forward and you managed to catch it right in time before it landed in his plate. You giggled. Maybe it would be a good idea that someone came along on his travels.

[leigh-kelly]

I’m Saving All My Love For You

Some 80s AU

As much as Santana hates the snow, she thinks it’s possible that she hates the rainy winter even more. Everything is cold and damp and she feels like she just can’t get warm ever. The cold seeps into her bones and every night when she gets home from work, she crawls under as many blankets as possible, just trying to feel better. It’s been months since she’s spoken to her parents, her mother hasn’t tried to call her since the incident with Brittany and instead of feeling anxious about it, Santana is just calm. Her stomach doesn’t hurt thinking that they might call to stop over, her head doesn’t ache remembering the cruel words that have been said in her presence.

It’s one of those cold, rainy nights that January and February of 1985 seem to bring and Brittany is working late. Santana sits upstairs in the office, poring over her ledgers and sipping a glass of wine. The sound of rain in the roof is oddly comforting and she relaxes in her chair, feeling the most at peace that she has in a long time. When she hears footsteps downstairs, she smiles, knowing that Brittany is home, knowing that it’s Friday, knowing that they’ll have three days to spend together since Monday is President’s Day and the bank is closed.

“Hey.” Brittany peeks in the office door, hair dripping wet from the rain. It’s an odd sort of feeling, but suddenly, in that moment, Santana feels something shift in her very being. It’s just a ‘hey,’ it’s just a smile, but Santana feels this sense of knowing deep within her chest.

“Hi.” She smiles back, her eyes crinkling softly. “You’re home.”

It stays with Santana all through the weekend. She’s shaken by the feeling that the simplest thing, Brittany dripping wet and standing in her office doorway, brought out in her, but it’s there, and she knows that there’s no going back. So she plans. She thinks. She obsesses. She talks to Mercedes when she goes back to work on Tuesday and she knows that it’s going to happen. Mercedes agrees to meet her after work on Thursday at a store way out in Brooklyn, a store in a place where no one will know her and she can feel safe doing the biggest thing she’ll ever do in her life.

“So this is real?” Mercedes asks when Santana gets out of her cab.

“It’s really. It’s crazy, I know...and I don’t even...I don’t even know what she’ll say.”

“You know what she’s going to say, I think you’ve known it from the first day you met her.”

“The first day I met her, I never thought I’d do this. ‘Cedes, I didn’t even think I’d do this three months ago. It’s crazy.”

“You keep saying that it’s crazy.”

“It is, I know it is. It’s just like...everything us stacked against us.” Santana sighs. “My parents, the world. But all it does is make me want to do this even more.”

“You really love her.”

“She changed something in me. It’s like...my chemical makeup is different ever since I’ve known her. I’ve never known what joy was until she brought it into my life. She looks at me and the fear and the shame and the hate I feel for myself just fades away. When I’m with her, I feel whole in a way I never have before. And she just...she doesn’t ask for anything from me. She understands me and accepts that as much as I’d give her the world if I could, there are some things I just can’t. And she doesn’t expect I’ll ever do this, but that’s why I want to. I want her to know all that she means to me, I want her to have this one normal thing in a world of things that aren’t right and aren’t fair. I...I just want her.”

“Then let’s go do this.”

Though Santana is so nervous the whole time she’s in the store with Mercedes, the trip is a success and she breathes a sigh of relief on the cab ride home. Brittany is working late, she’s been teaching a 7:00 class and she won’t say no to doing it, wanting to give Carl every reason to promote her when her year is up. Santana goes home and she puts her purchase away before changing into her pajamas and settling in on the couch. She has some work to do, but she’ll leave it for another night. The day was emotional for her and she knows the next night will be even more so, so she just wants to veg and watch TV and get in bed with Brittany when she comes home.

“That was the longest day ever.” Brittany kicks off her shoes and leans back against the door. “I’m so glad to be home.”

“I’m glad you’re home too.” Santana smiles and moves over a little on the couch, knowing that Brittany will want to sit. “Charles in Charge is on.”

“Ugh, good.” She stops in front of the couch to kiss Santana’s lips, then sinks down beside her. “I’m all sweaty.”

“Do you want to shower and then relax or are you good?”

“I just want to hang out with you for awhile. I hate hating my job.”

“What can I do?”

“Build a time machine so the year goes faster?  No, but really, nothing. Just being with you makes me feel better.”

“I feel the same way, you know.”

“I do.” Brittany grins, resting her head on Santana’s shoulder. “And tomorrow is date night.”

“It is, and I’m really excited about it.”

“You’re cute, you know that?”

“Britt...”

“You are. I like looking at your face.”

“It’s not going anywhere...”

They spend the night relaxing and when Santana gets into bed, she feels butterflies in her stomach. Everything feels so big and intense and she just kind of breathes, trying to center herself. For the first time though, she doesn’t feel that throbbing in her stomach. The butterflies are good, they’re a reassurance that the way she feels is real. Brittany falls asleep first and Santana just watches her, loving the rise and fall of her chest, loving the sound of her breathing. It’s late when she finally falls asleep and she knows the next day will be long, but then it’s the weekend, then she’s with Brittany.

The next morning is rough. Hudson screws up big time and Santana spends hours fixing his mess. She wants to fire him so badly, but she’s scared. No, more than scared, she’s terrified. It haunts her that he might know something about her, might suspect by the way she defends Kurt. It’s an awful feeling, but there’s nothing she can do. Sometimes she wonders if she should ask Mike to come to a work function with her, draw away some suspicion , but she doesn’t know him well enough to ask something like that of him and...she feels like she would be betraying Brittany if she did.

It’s pouring again when Santana leaves work. She’s in a bad mood, but she doesn’t want to be. Once she sees Brittany, she’ll be better, she knows she will. Date night will be a quick dinner and a movie, that’s what Brittany said she wanted. Santana would have done something fancy, but she knows that Brittany prefers simple and that she’s been dying to see The Breakfast Club, so that’s what they’ll do. Brittany still isn’t home when Santana gets to the house but she sheds her work clothes and changes into jeans and a cashmere sweater. She wishes the rain would stop, give them one night of reprieve where they don’t have to fight for a cab, but it seems unlikely.

“I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!” Brittany cries out as she bursts into the house. “Give me ten minutes, I’ll take the fastest shower of my life.”

“It’s fine, Britt, the movie isn’t for two and a half hours, we’ll have plenty of time to eat.” Santana stands up and gently kisses her lips, feeling those butterflies again.

“Are you okay? You’re like...weirdly calm.”

“I’m good.” Santana smiles. “Go shower.”

Once Brittany is ready, they decide to just go to the diner. Santana is really in the mood for Chinese, but after Brittany’s stint at Chang’s, she hardly ever wants to eat it and Santana gets it. Brittany tells Santana that she’s half-starved and inhales her burger while Santana just smiles and eats her club sandwich. It’s a good kind of date night, Santana decides. It’s the kind where they’re just relaxed and comfortable and Santana thinks it’s a good lead up to later.

After the movie, Brittany is positively buzzing. Even Santana enjoyed it and since the rain stopped, they walk home. Santana feels a little like she’s going to throw up, but she knows she’ll survive. She’s with Brittany, everything is better with Brittany and she just keeps telling herself that as they walk.

“You’re weird tonight.” Brittany comments, echoing what she said earlier. “Did you have a bad day at work?”

“I’m fine, I promise. I’ve just been...thinking a lot. Mostly about how I acted at Mike and Artie’s wedding.”

“Santana, that was months ago. You don’t have to hold guilt in all this time.”

“It’s not guilt...it’s...just. I didn’t understand it, you know. I’ve spent my whole life listening to people talk about when I’m going to marry a man, when I’m going to have children, when I’m going to stay home from my job. My parents...marriage never looked like love to me. It looked like something you check off a list. Then I met you, and I finally knew what people were talking about when they talk about love. But the thing is, for the first time I could reconcile marriage and love, the whole world is against it. Britt, there’s a lot I can’t give you. I don’t think I’ll ever be out like you are and maybe that makes me a coward, but I can’t do it. I can’t give you children. I could give you the house in the suburbs, if you really wanted it, but I’d feel like we’d have to hide what we meant to each other even more. But there are some things I can. I can promise to love you for the rest of my life. I can be your greatest supporter, the one you lean on in good times and in bad. And I can give you what Mike and Artie had, I can stand up in front of my friends and promise to love you in sickness and in health. I can dance with you at Holly’s. I can give you this.” Santana reaches into her pocket and slides out the ring box, carefully opening it. “I can be everything to you that a wife should be, if you just say yes.”

“Santana.” Brittany gasps. “Are you...oh my God.”

“I’m asking you to marry me, Britt, because all I want is to spend the rest of my days with you.”

“You don’t have to do this...”

“I’m not doing it because I have to, I’m doing it because I want to. I don’t care if it’s legal or not, I want you to know that my heart is yours forever. But if you—“

“I want to. I so want to.” Brittany doesn’t even bother to wipe the tears from her eyes, she just lets them fall. “Yes, yes I will.”

Santana feels like she’s looking at the sun, looking into Brittany’s tear filled eyes and her heart flips in her chest. Right in front of her is the one thing she never thought she’d have, the thing she never thought she deserved to have. She knows she’ll spend all of her days trying to be good enough for Brittany, trying to prove that she’s worthy, but in this moment, everything feels good and right and real. She gently slips the ring onto Brittany’s finger and Brittany launches herself toward Santana, pulling her close and kissing her.

“I love you.” She whispers against Santana’s lips. “I love you.”

After Brittany spends a good ten minutes staring at her ring, she insists on taking Santana to bed. For Santana, everything feels different, good different, and afterwards, she lays with her head on Brittany’s chest just taking it all in.

“You okay?”

“I am.” Santana nods. “Just...hoping I’m enough for you.”

“You’ve always been enough, Santana. What I want most of all is for you to be enough for you. You’ve had so much hurt in your life, you deserve so many good things.”

“I’m not going to see them anymore, you know.”

“I won’t hold you back if you change your mind. I’d understand.” Brittany promises.

“I won’t. I’ve wanted them to love me for so long...”

“I think they love you, I think they just have a terrible way of showing it.”

“They love who they think I should be. And if they knew about us...I’m so scared all the time.”

“I know.” Brittany runs her hand through her hair and sighs. “I wish I could take that away.”

“Do you think it’ll ever be any different? Do you think there’ll ever be a day where I can just be me?”

“I...don’t know. If I could, I’d promise you that some day I could walk into a work party with you and you wouldn’t lose your job, or we could spend Christmas with your parents and they wouldn’t shun you. But I just don’t know. The one thing I do know though is that I’m always gonna be right here. When you have a bad day, I’ll hold you in my arms until you fall asleep. I’ll kiss you behind closed doors. I’ll love you until the end of time.”

“I never thought I was lucky until I met you. Everything I have, it came from hard work. I’m a Hispanic woman In a world of white men, but I’ve worked a hundred times harder to get where I am. But you...you made me think that luck exists because I’m so lucky to be with you, to know that you want us to last forever.”

“I don’t need a big spectacle, just so you know. If you wanted this to be it, for me to wear this ring and to know that we’re married, that’s okay. No one else has to watch.”

“No, Britt. You deserve more than that and I want more than that for both of us. We’ll make plans, we’ll have everyone here if that’s okay and we’ll stand up in front of them all and vow to love and cherish each other. It won’t be a wedding like my parents had, but it’ll mean so much more.”

When she falls asleep, Santana feels calm in a way she never has. Being in Brittany’s arms, touching her left ring finger, it just fills her up. She knows she’s not permanently cured from being terrified all the time, but in her home, she feels so much love that it makes all of the outside stuff feel bearable.

She’s so glad the next morning is Saturday so she can wake up and not rush out the door. Brittany is still sleeping so she gently kisses her forehead and slips out of bed. Because she can’t bear to stay in her pajamas, she washes up and gets dressed and she goes into the kitchen. She’s surprised to find Millie standing over the counter with a bottle of bleach in her hand, but then she remembers that she’d taken a day off earlier in the week and wanted to come in to finish up the house.

“Morning, sunshine.” Millie smiles, putting down her sponge. “I don’t think I’ve ever known you to sleep this late.”

“Millie, can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“If I had a wedding, would you come?”

“You know I’d be there with bells on.”

“Even if...”

“No matter who you were to marry, I’d be there.” She nods and Santana’s breath rushes out.

“I asked Brittany if she would marry me.” Santana whispers, knowing this is the first time she’d openly acknowledged it to Millie.

“That’s just wonderful. Come give the a hug.”

Millie opens up her arms and Santana steps in. Before she knows it, she’s crying in big ugly sobs and Millie just squeezes her a little tighter. It’s a cathartic release, she thinks, feeling that embrace after she’d confessed something that scares her so much, so she savors the physical contact and keeps right on crying.

“Are you alright, honey?”

“It’s just...you mean so much to me and to know that you support this. My parents...”

“They don’t deserve to be part of it if they don’t think you’re something real special.”

“When I was little, I used to play wedding with my grandma. I always thought when I got engaged, they’d be the first ones I told, but it’s you, you’re the one who’s always supported me.”

“Blood doesn’t necessarily make a family. The way you’ve been good to me and my Marley, I consider you like a second daughter.”

“Really?” Santana wipes her face and sniffles.

“Really. And if I can be frank, I think you and Brittany both got really lucky. I can’t imagine how hard it is.”

“It’s easier for her, I think. She is proud to be who she is and I’m just...everything is behind closed doors.”

“I don’t think there’s a right way to be you. I tell Unique this all the time. I know she has a hard time of it, having to pretend to be Wade all day, but until the world changes, you all have to do whatever feels right to survive.”

“Some times I feel like I couldn’t do it without Brittany. She came into my life just when I needed her most.”

“She’s good for you.” Millie nods. “She helps you relax a little. You were always so high strung and had every reason to be, but you’re softer now, like you feel safe.”

“That’s the thing, I do. I get to come home and feel like...I don’t know, I’m protected from the world. I don’t want to do anything to mess it up.”

“I know we’ve never talked about it before, but I can see by the way that girl looks at you that it’d be pretty hard for you to mess up.”

“Thank you, Millie. Just...thank you.”

“I’ll get everything done quick so I can be out of your hair.”

“It’s alright, stay as long as you want.”

By the time Brittany wakes up from their late evening, Millie is long gone but left Brittany’s favorite banana bread in her wake. Standing at the counter, Santana cuts two pieces and brings them over to the table with her fresh cup of coffee. Brittany is just marveling down at the diamond on her finger, twisting it in the light, and Santana can’t help but smile. Seeing Brittany so happy just makes her want to make her even happier every day for the rest of her life.

“Do you want a ring?” Brittany asks, looking up from her diamond. “I can’t afford something like this, but if you want something, I’ll get it.”

“I...” Santana bites her bottom lip, thinking hard on that. “I think when we’re married, I’d like some kind of simple band. Nothing that...I’m sorry...”

“Nothing that makes the people at work ask too many questions, I totally get it babe. And if you didn’t want to wear it out of the house, that’s okay.”

“I do. I’m going to be married to you. I don’t need to share my personal life with anyone. They can make their assumptions about the gender of the person I’m married to.”

“You’re really brave, I hope you know that.”

“I never feel brave.” Santana shakes her head. “I feel like a coward.”

“Don’t ever say that again.” Brittany frowns. “You’re not a coward, you’re practical and I get it. You have to keep yourself safe.”

“I’m so proud to be yours. I really just...need you to know that.”

“I do. I promise, I do.”

[imagining-supernatural]

The Work Call

Part 18 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary:  You call your boss to get some work to do in your free time and do a little flirting ;)

Word Count: 2,258

With Sebastian off in Georgia for a week, you felt like a teenager whose parents just left her home for alone for the first time. Suddenly, you could break all of the rules. Not that your rule-breaking was something that would get you in too much trouble…

Since the press seemed to have gotten it through their heads that you were off limits, you finally had your privacy and space back again. As a result, you were taking advantage of the last few weeks of autumn before the snow came. After your hospital appointments, you walked down the street to a cute little café and sat in one of the over-sized, plush chairs for a bit. You’d either bring a book or your laptop.

On Wednesday, the café cat apparently decided you were okay and hopped up into your lap, purring loudly as you read. You’d snapped a quick selfie and sent it off to Sebastian.

Me: [image attached] Don’t be surprised if you come home this weekend and I’ve catnapped ol’ Misty here

Sebastian: What if I’m allergic to cats?

Me: Sucks to be you, I guess

Me: The apartment’s lonely without you

You stared at the last text you’d sent, suddenly overthinking it. Sure, you were married. And, sure, you were wearing his ring now. But you two hadn’t really discussed what that meant, exactly. So was that last text too strong? Too forward?

Hell, you didn’t even know what you’d meant by it.

Sebastian: Don’t know how I feel about being able to be replaced by a cat

Sebastian: Maybe I need to up my game

Up his game?

Shit, it had been so long since you’d flirted with anyone. So long since you’d even considered a relationship. After your hellish life growing up, you’d put all of your focus into school. You were determined to set yourself up for a better life than the one you were born into. Then you graduated and worked hard to secure your place at your job. School only taught you so much, and you needed to be able to apply what you learned to real life.

Once you felt secure in your professional life and you were finally ready to start exploring a relationship, you found out you had cancer.

So to say you were woefully underprepared for this situation would be the understatement of the year.

Me: Luckily for you, I like Jenny’s coffee so much that I don’t want her to hate me for stealing her cat

Sebastian: You still thought a cat would replace me

Sebastian: That hurts, sweetheart

Sweetheart. In writing. 

Me: I’ll find some way to make you feel better this weekend

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Why did you never read over your texts before you sent them?

At least you hadn’t put a winky face emoji. Now that would have been a disaster.

Not that you didn’t want your relationship with Sebastian to keep going. You did. But there was a lot more pressure riding on this than there was back in high school when you went to the prom with Brad Trayton, or in college when you slept with the guy from your Chemistry 101 lab three times before having to break it off with him because he always smelled like bacon.

This was Sebastian Fucking Stan. And you were married to the guy. And you were in a literal life or death situation. If things went badly with him, that would make the rest of your cancer treatment very awkward, to say the least.

Sebastian: I’m sure you will…

Sebastian: I gotta go to a script reading rn. Skype tonight?

Me: Of course

You’d been Skyping with Seb at least twice a day since he left on Sunday night. It was almost like he never left, in that regard.

But with him gone, you found that you had a lot of free time on your hands. With your body starting to get used to the cancer treatment, you also had a bit more energy and nowhere to put that energy to good use.

So you called your old boss back home, dialing his direct extension to avoid getting his assistant. The press might have backed off, but thanks to the updates from Jasmin, people who knew you were still reeling over your marriage.

“Plathway.”

“Hey, Brendon, it’s Y/N.”

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, and you could just imagine him leaning back in his chair. Brendon Plathway was your mentor and had grown into a close friend. Of everyone in your life, you would say he was the closest thing to a good father figure you had. “How are you doing? I’ve seen your name on Facebook a few times.”

“I’m doing pretty good, all things considered. I’m in a clinical study in New York and the doctors are optimistic that it’ll work. They’re hoping I’ll get the tumor out sometime in February.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Brendon said. “And that husband of yours… he treating you well?”

“It’s not… it’s not quite like that. But yeah. He’s great.” It was a pretty decent segue into the reason for your call. “He’s actually out of town, shooting for a TV show. So I have a bit of time on my hands and was hoping—”

“Y/N Y/L/N?”

The unfamiliar voice interrupted you before you could finish. You looked up to see a guy about your age with a newsboy bag, notebook, and tape recorder.

A fucking journalist.

“I thought it was you. You mind if I ask you a few questions?” He didn’t say it like a question, nor did he give you time to respond before he sat on a stool beside you and set up shop on the small table. “If I could write an article on you, it would just—”

“I’m actually on a phone call right now.”

“Oh, I won’t take too long. I just can’t pass up this opportunity. You’re quite the enigma. No one’s gotten your side of the story.”

“And neither will you. I’m not going to answer any questions.”

He completely ignored you, flicked on the recorder, and put his pen to paper. “People have been saying that you planned your rendezvous with Sebastian Stan in Vegas. What do you say to that?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have no comment for you.”

“I thought you’d appreciate the chance to get your story out there. There are some nasty rumors spreading—”

You cut him off before he could continue. “I know my story and the people I care about know my story. I will not be answering any questions for you today.”

“Do you feel no guilt for being the reason Sebastian Stan’s reputation has taken a massive hit?”

“I’m going to give you one more chance to leave me the fuck alone before I call the cops.” He opened his mouth, but you spoke over him, voice lowering to a red-hot hiss. “And if you write a single word of this conversation or make any sort of insinuations that I said anything at all, I will slap you and whatever blog or magazine you work for with a libel lawsuit. Don’t even think about trying to manipulate your recording because you’re not the only one who has been recording this conversation. The phone call you interrupted was with my boss and it’s company policy to record all incoming and outgoing phone calls. He’s a witness that I repeatedly rejected your attempt to start an interview and anything else you say can be construed as harassment. Have I made myself clear?”

He stared at you, wide eyed. Guess he hadn’t expected a cancer patient to be so blunt. Nevertheless, he gathered his things and stood. Just before walking away, he muttered, “You didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Once he was gone, you groaned. “Sorry about that, Bren.”

“Is that something you have to deal with often? That’s horrible.”

“No. Not since I got sick because stupid reporters were sticking their germy microphones in my face and Seb threatened them with lawyers.”

Brendon hmphed. “Well, you sounded like you had that speech prepared. Sounded like you’d said it a few times.”

“Before he left, Seb made sure I knew how to threaten any reporters like that. Luckily this was the first time I’ve had to remember what he told me.” The reporter had shaken you, and it took a few deep breaths before you felt calm enough to continue with your conversation. “Anyway, back to my original reason for calling… Are there are projects I could jump on long distance? I’ll probably only be able to put in about ten to fifteen good hours of work a week, but it’d be nice to have something to do other than wait for new episodes of my shows to come on Hulu.”

“Let me poke around the office a bit. I know there’s a big one coming up next week. Rachel’s heading that one. You’ve worked with her before right? She’d probably appreciate your input. Trent is in the middle of one for a pharmaceutical company, but he’s not feeling too sure about it. I’ll see if he wants you to try and hack the system and find holes.”

“Anything. I’ve worked with both of them before and I think we work well together. I did quite a few initial proposals before I left for Vegas and I enjoyed those more than most people do.”

He promised he’d send any projects your way that he could. After a few more minutes of catching up, you ended the call and headed outside to wait for Sean in the chilly fall air.

“How was the reading?” you asked later that night. “Any juicy plot lines?”

“Not that I can tell you,” Seb replied. The phone in his hand shifted as he settled further into the hotel bed that Marvel was putting him up in. “But it was good. We’ll start shooting tomorrow.”

“Excited to lube up your arm?”

He laughed, head falling back against the headboard. “I take it you finally did some research on me?”

“A little. The hospital was running behind today, so I was there a bit longer than I planned and I fell down the YouTube abyss of interviews. Anthony seems like a fun guy to work with.”

Sebastian grinned. “He is. Speaking of work, did you call your boss?”

“Yeah.” The reminder of the phone call – or rather of the interruption – made your roll your eyes.

“Didn’t go well?”

“No, no. It did.” You knew your news was not going to go over well with Seb, so you took a minute to get settled into the bed. It had been a long day and laying down felt good. You turned your laptop on its side so your face would still be the right way on Seb’s phone. “Brendon’s gonna check around work and find some projects and work to throw my way. That’s all good.”

“Then what is it?”

With a deep sigh, you began. “While I was on the phone with him, some hipster reporter dude interrupted.”

“Son of a—”

“It took a minute to get it through his thick skull that I was not going to give him a story but he finally left. It just kinda took a bit out of me.”

“God, Y/N. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yeah, it’s not,” you agreed softly. “But you prepared me. I handled it. Then Sean made me eat dinner with him and his wife. She’s an amazing cook. Sometime when you’re home, they want to have both of us over. And when this is all over, we definitely need to think of a hell of a way to thank him for everything. He’s done so much more than a driver gets paid to.”

The two of you brainstormed for a bit about how to repay Sean for his kindness and friendship. Then your conversation moved on to different subjects, bouncing around for a bit until you yawned for the third time in five minutes.

“You seem more tired than usual. You doing okay?”

“I’m fine. I mean, I haven’t been sleeping well, but that’s your fault.”

“My fault?” he asked.

“Yeah. You made me sleep next to you for two weeks then you just up and leave me alone. It’s rude, Mr. Stan.”

Something in your words sparked something in his eyes that filled you with… excitement?

“Well, Mrs. Stan…” His words were accompanied by a wink that stopped your heart. Forget your brain tumor. Sebastian was going to be the source of your death. “You only have two more nights before I’m home for the weekend.”

Flirting? Were you flirting?

“Two nights with you and five nights without you is just not a fraction I like.”

My god, you were flirting.

“If you can convince Marvel to move their studios to New York, I’m all game. Until then, we’ll have to make the best of those two nights.”

“Make the best of them, hmm?”

“Yeah,” he said in a low voice. “Mackie’s commentary on The Voice isn’t as good as yours. I’ve been waiting to watch the new episodes until I’m with you.”

The unexpected twist made you laugh out loud. It didn’t escape your attention how his eyes crinkled at the sound, affection flooding his expression. “The Voice on Friday and Dancing With The Stars on Saturday?”

“I’ll pen it in my calendar, sweetheart.”

“Ooo. I’m pen-worthy. That’s so much better than pencil-worthy.”

“You’re white-out-worthy, baby. I’d white-out plans I have with someone else to pen in plans with you.”

Fucking hell. Baby was a new one.

If he’d put on half this much charm on you in Vegas when you were drunk, it was no wonder you’d married him.

“Then I guess I need to go erase the pencil plans I had for Saturday evening and make room for you. Maybe even buy a special pen just for you.”

“Maybe wait for tomorrow? You’ve had a long day. Seems like you need a good night’s rest.”

“You too, hun.” The pet name felt foreign on your tongue, but it somehow felt… right? “Shooting starts tomorrow. You need to be ready to keep up with Mackie’s energy.”

“He wants to meet’cha, you know. Apparently I haven’t shut up about you.’

“Gimme a few more weeks to get used to this treatment and maybe I can spend more than three seconds around him without needing a nap,” you joked. “Unless he only has that energy when there’s a camera on him…?”

Seb laughed. “That is him all the damn time.”

“Then I better let you go for the night. You’ve spent the last few weeks shlumping around with me. Gotta get your rest to keep up with him tomorrow.”

“And you gotta get your rest so you can hand out candy tomorrow.”

“I’m excited for that, actually. Trick or Treating really slowed down back in Utah lately. I think last year I got, like, maybe three groups of kids?”

“You’ll get your fill this year. A lot of the kids in the apartment complex go to every door. Just be careful, okay? I don’t want you getting sick.”

It took twenty more minutes before you were finally able to say your goodbyes and hang up. You stared at your phone for a moment before placing it on the side table beside Sebastian’s bed and turning off the light.  

Houston, we've got some flirting!!! Also can we just take a minute to appreciate how amazing Sean is? But things seem to be looking up!

CHAPTER 19: THE LONG DAY

[freckledmountain]

But I can try for your heart

By @freckledmountain for @kirbywritesstuff

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences 

Relationships:  Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, May Parker (Spider-Man)

Summary:  

“Tony becomes Peter´s guardian.

It doesn´t go as badly as Tony thought it would.”

Anthony Edward Stark´s life had looked at words like normal, nice, easy and said “how about no”.

For as long as he could remember, there´d always been something. Terrorists, kidnappers, giant worm alien things, gods, life seemed to throw in anything and everything in it, and he was left reeling every time. Domestic life? Heck if he knew her.

…and then existence did a 180 again, and gave him the one thing he´d thought he´d never have.

Someone to take care of.

He´d liked the kid, right from the start, but getting attached to him was definitely not an option for him at first. Tony swore Peter literally had cartoony stars in his eyes whenever he looked at him, as if Tony deserved even a tenth of that adoration.

He didn´t want to be there when the kid realized how much of a failure his idol really was, didn´t want to imagine the inevitable moment that brightness would leave his eyes forever.

But it just showed how he didn´t really know who Peter Parker was back then, or rather, how darn stubborn he could be. A few months later and he was running around rescuing the kid from every possible mishap, desperately trying to keep him safe, ready to do just about anything to make him smile.

He grew on him, scaled the 30 foot long walls around his heart with his endearingly dumb t-shirt puns, his incandescent enthusiasm for technology, his 3 am rants about how fluffy some cat he´d seen was, his willingness to go out there and do his damn best to help anyone who needed it. Because when life threw dirt at Peter he stared back and smiled, and grew kinder for it.

Maybe Tony´s universe wasn´t just some practical joke, waiting to see what would trip him up next. He was terrified of breaking Peter, but after a brief period of trying to drive him away he realized the kid would just keep coming back, worming his way gently but firmly into Tony´s life without even meaning to.

And honestly?  After dozens of frantic calls to Cho as he held an unconscious Peter in his arms, lazy saturday mornings spent laughing his head off as the kid tried to flip pancakes as high as he could (he ended up getting a little too enthusiastic but no one noticed the half cooked pancake stuck to the ceiling for three days anyway so-), he realized all his doubts could go screw themselves, because no matter how badly Tony messed up, that light in Peter´s eyes hadn´t left once.

Peter was just bright, and sweet, and kind and yeah, maybe Iron Man had a soft spot now, but he wouldn´t change it for the world.

Peter was worth every night spent worrying about him, every Star Wars marathon, every “borrowed” hoodie that never quite made it back to his closet, because the kid was good, and every time he smiled he made Tony want to make the world into something good too.

Life was way more nerve-wracking when you cared for a smaller human, but he couldn´t help but think maybe it wasn´t all that bad either. Peter would always be worth it.

 And then on a day like any other May Parker´s heart failed her, and without a single warning, both of them were hurled straight into the impossible.

 Grief was…

blurry.

It made everything around you fade into spots of either red hot pain or complete numbness, and whichever one it was, you couldn´t escape it some days. He would know.

Peter dealt with it a hell of a lot better than Tony himself had done when he was 21, but he could still see himself there, mad and lost and so achingly confused, filled with screaming questions no one could possibly give answers to.

Peter cried. He went out as Spiderman, returning later and later, screaming at Tony when he tried to get him to stay. He didn´t know what to do anymore, didn´t know how to get to him.

May´d loved her nephew above all things. If there was one thing Tony was absolutely certain of in this new swirling world of legal papers and sobs masked with yelling and mixed feelings, it was that from now on, he´d have to do the same.

He´d been sitting in that plastic chair for four hours, barely moving, when someone came barreling in.

He stood up quickly, knowing immediately who it was, trying to make enough sense of the half-finished speech at the tip of his tongue to say it out loud. “May.I´m-“

“Don´t.”

That shut him up.

Firm footsteps resonated on the tiled floor as she came up closer to him. He expected her to scream at him like she´d done all those months before when she´d found out about Spiderman, only now he´d gladly accept any other feeling that wasn´t the crippling guilt currently eating his insides. He´d fucked up, and Peter´d paid the price for it. He deserved every fragment of the storm coming his way.

Instead, May Parker stared at him for a long second, and the next she had her arms around him in a fierce hug.

“Thank you.”

Any coherent thought trying to find its way into his mind promptly disappeared after those two words. May spoke gently, but her stance was firm as she held him.

“You got to him in time. You saved him, and as soon as he gets better we´re going to go in and he´s going to see us and I´ll tell him off and it´s all going to be fine. Okay?”

“I didn´t-“

“You saved him. You did. I saw you running inside that building to get him, on the news. I know together you´ve got a guilt complex the size of Canada but Peter is going to be fine and what he needs right now is people who love him to be close, so we can save the misplaced sorry´s for when my nephew´s out of surgery, yeah?”

She pulled back slightly, and he could see his own fear mirrored in her eyes, but there was trust there too. And love. Love gentle enough to be all-encompassing. And for once, his guilt wasn´t enough to overpower how much he cared for the kid.

He loved Peter too.  

“How-how ‘do you even do this? How do you deal with wanting to protect him from everything, how do you just not- implode or something-?” He was a mess, but May just smiled through misty eyes and hugged him again.

“You learn. Welcome to parenthood with a teenager, where half of you wants to see him succeed and go further than you thought possible and then the other half thinks keeping him cooped up at home with fifty blankets and a gallon of ice cream is the best idea since ever”

Tony managed a short laugh at that. “But something tells me you´ll get the hang of it, Tony. Something tells me you´re going to love him no matter what, and that´s already the most important part done”

Those words came back to him whenever he felt he was doing more harm than good by deciding to adopt Peter.

It was a whole different level of delicate now, and his attempts at being a normal parent didn´t always end well, but Peter´s fierce hugs reminded him a little of someone else´s, and he held on to the hope everything could work itself out as long as they kept trying.

 Time runs strangely.

It can never quite mend the pain completely, but given it´s gentle enough, time can help.

The weird thing though, is how you can’t pinpoint the exact moment feeling okay doesn’t seem foreign to you anymore.

Maybe it starts when he takes the kid to school again and finds the note he packed in his lunch hung in Peter’s room a few days later.

Maybe it’s when he wakes up and realizes Peter slept through the night without a nightmare for the first time in weeks.

Or when he makes a particularly bad pun as he’s helping him with calculus homework and the kid laughs so much the tears running down his face don´t make him feel terrible for once.

…it could possibly be when Peter’s so sleep deprived one night he whispers a gentle “I love you” before drifting off, effectively making Tony blub like a baby once he´s sure the kid´s asleep.

And yes, there’re still bad days with screaming, and there’re still moments where he feels like the least capable human on earth for this job, but he just won’t give up, on either of them.

He vowed to try, didn´t he?  

It´s been 8 months since he took Peter in, and things he´d have never imagined doing are quickly becoming commonplace now. Packing lunches, helping with English essays, occasionally dragging his butt halfway across the city to save his kid from yet another weirdo in a tacky suit, not to toot his own horn, but he thinks he´s definitely getting the hang of it all now.

So it should all be chill when he finds out he´s going to attend the parent-teacher conference at Midtown in a few months, but oh look at that, he’s panicking.

As much as he tried sheltering Peter from it at first, word that Tony Stark had been seen with a teenager soon got round, and within a day every reporter in New York seemed just about ready to trade an arm and a leg for some more dirt on Ironman.

Fun.

Pepper´d dealt with the brunt of it, so it wasn´t as if the world didn´t know about Peter by now, but the thought of waltzing directly into the school when every pair of eyes would be fixed on both of them didn´t exactly make him want to skip in joy, see.

Then again, Peter was the smartest freaking kid in the whole school, and the thought of teasing him lightly in front of his teachers was…yeah, okay, he was pretty sure he could work something out.  

———————————————————————————

It was a beautiful Friday morning, they only had a few more teachers to go, and Tony was so glad he´d rescheduled three work meetings earlier this week to be here, because it was freaking glorious.

Peter was blushing bright red from all the compliments his teacher´s had told him all day. They were only allowed about 10 minutes to talk with each one, lots of kids and all that, but everyone had something positive to say about him.

Most teachers did a pretty good job of not letting a vein pop out of their forehead when they shook hands with Tony, but others seemed to have mini freak outs until they focused on Peter and regained their composure. He wasn´t at all surprised when they showed him Peter´s perfect grades, but God, he was proud.

He knew all the credit in raising Peter to be the wonder he was belonged to May and Ben, but he darn almost melted when Peter beamed at him as Mr. Del showed him a perfect test score in advanced chemistry for an exam he´d helped Peter study for a few months prior. Maybe he actually wasn´t screwing up at this parenting thing.

He knew the teachers were anxious when he asked questions (hey, he had no idea what a parent-teacher conference was like 3 months ago, he did his research), but they softened slightly whenever they turned to look at Peter.

He got it; the kid was pretty hard not to love.

Mr. Del was sitting across from them now, the man visibly nervous at being in front of Tony Stark, but smiling genuinely all the same as he talked about Peter´s work in class.

“There´ve been a few late assignments here and there, but nothing major in terms of academic development. I feel sleeping earlier could be a good idea though” Peter smiled sheepishly, probably remembering all the times Ned´ had to poke him awake in class after patrol got a little too long. Tony made a mental note to check up on it.

“His essay on analytical chemistry in an applicable field was particularly impressive” Mr. Harrington took out a thick cream folder, flipping through it until he came across Peter´s, “I showed it to some of my colleagues and it´s got some real potential. If you give some more thought to it, Peter, this could really make a difference.”

Peter´s ears were positively beetroot by now and he stuttered out a thank you, smiling. Tony felt about three seconds away from exploding with pride, but he just grinned at Peter, knocking their shoulders together gently. This, this right here was nice.

Peter´d worked hard for this, spending uncountable nights staying up late finishing projects or homework, studying for hours before an exam, still muttering formulas sleepily as Tony carried him up to bed.  

He might be Tony Stark´s adopted son (months of it and the word still made his heart go full on Speedy Gonzales when he thought about it, but in a nice way, in the best way), but he had no doubt in his mind Peter´s grades had definitely been earned by him fairly.

And later, when they´re having a celebratory pizza night/movie marathon, when he´s surrounded by a blanket fort and a kid that definitely does not have the right to make him feel as mushy as he does, he thinks back to when something like this seemed impossible, and smiles.

Life´s unexpected, alright.

Somehow, he thinks he loves it this way anyway.

(many virtual hugs to all of you!)

@friendly-neighborhood-exchange​

It´s also on my ao3

[singeramg]

Midnight: Chapter 14

Paring: Clark Kent/ Metahuman! Black! OFC

Rating: M

Warning: None other than some angst and maybe some tears if you are sensitive...

A/n: Hey everyone! I am back again! Did you all enjoy my last chapter? If you missed it check out my masterlist! 

Midnight: Chapter 14

Previously:

 “Are you blocking again Gia. You always block when you aren’t ready to hear the truth but this is it. You are absolutely right...about everything. I still don’t how I managed to mess everything up so badly between us, but I do know I will spend the rest of my life regretting it if it costs me you forever. Please Gia don’t walk away again. I can’t watch you leave when I shouldn’t have let you go the first time..”

 “What do you mean you shouldn’t have let me go the first time?”

 Currently:

 I felt my stomach drop but in a way that I couldn’t understand. Clark is staring at me, his blue eyes capturing me and I’m conflicted on whether to run into his rather large arms or slap him across his dumb handsome face, damn the wrist sprain I’ll suffer. 

   “I should have fought harder for you. I got cold feet about what we could have been and I stayed comfortable rather than trying something new. I messed up badly and all I’m asking for is the opportunity to make it right.”

 I roll my eyes and poke him in his chest. Feels like I am poking a wall but I don’t care. Clark doesn’t give any indication that I've poked him, only looks at me as softly as he did before.

  “Is this about your conscious? This feels like you are apologizing to get that guilt off your chest. Clark I told you a long time ago and just now that you don’t have to feel bad about loving Lois. She was a natural choice. She is gorgeous, red hair, soft eyes, driven, accomplished. Who wouldn’t want someone like that? It was okay that you loved her. You don’t need to apologize for that.”

 He laughs slightly and says

   “Yes Lois is all of those things. And Yes there was a time where I thought she was it for me. You, however are more than that, you always have been. Now, here you are, the mother of my child and all I want is you.”

 There it was.

 Clark didn’t want me truly, he just wanted the family. What the good ole’ Bible Belt told him he needed to do and be when you had a child. I shake my head in disbelief that he thought I would fall for something like this. That I would fall into his arms because of a child. Here I was about to foolish again, believing that there was anything for me in his heart. I step even further away, snatching up the pj’s that I pulled out and going over to the bathroom. I didn’t even have the heart to yell at him. I was tired of the yell and the explaining of myself and emotions to Clark fucking Kent. I didn’t feel like trying to re-program him and trying to make him see sense. If he didn’t understand my feelings weren’t for playing around and weren’t for him to call on for a ego boost by now, then he never would.

I had one child to raise, I didn’t need other in Clark’s teenaged behavior. I knew I would never not love him. It was clear as day, I never could forget this, but I also know if I didn’t put an end of this AGAIN then it would build until I felt like I could do was run away again. I would take Kalen and run and that would only make things harder for me and Clark to co-parent. It was a shitstorm of epic proportions that needed a conclusion.

   “Kal you can stay in the room with Kalen all you want. You two should bond, but as far as you and me goes. There isn’t a you and me. We can learn to be friends again, make that part work for the sake of Kalen. Goodnight Kal-El.”

 The kicked puppy look Clark shoots me, almost made me think he was serious. I knew Clark and he was just reeling from having gone down knowing he had an almost Fiancee to waking up and having her married to someone else. It had to be jarring for him and now he was looking for comfort in having a family, to feel normal again. He was willing to settle with me. 

I didn’t want his pity settlement/ entitlement.

I closed the door to my bathroom, listening for the door to my room to open and close. When I did I let out the breath I had been holding. He didn’t love me. Not in the way I still loved him...

 *Two days later*

 I watched with the rest of the world as trash and war ships were dumped back on the land, and I worried for my friend. Arthur wasn’t the type to keep a phone and considering he was spending most of his time in the water. He was unreachable, and I worried as the various news channels tried to identify him. The worry for Arthur helped take my mind off Clark as terrible as that sounded. 

I was avoiding him like the damn plague and that was because I didn’t trust myself around him. It was easy to avoid him when he radiates so much energy, and in case he tried to alter his emotions to get to me, I had them off every time I knew he was in the area.

I of course looked after Kalen but I made sure to stay clear of him, Ms. A doing her best to be a bumper between the two of us. I hated that she was leaving me. She had become the grandmother I never had, always being around to help and love on Kalen. It was for her own protection but as I sat on her bed, watching her pack the things Bruce purchased for her while Clark took Kalen to the farm with his mother, I was sad.

   “Pick up your face child, I’m moving not dying.”

 She jokes and folds a sweater away into the black suitcase.

   “Yes but California is far away Ms. Alphonse.”

   “Yes, but think about how you and Kalen can come visit me in the warm weather! My niece wants to meet you!”

I smile.

   “I want to meet her too. We will plan a trip soon, Kalen and I.”

   “And Clark.”

 I roll my eyes and huff.

   “I think he needs to stay around here, can’t solve crimes that far away.”

   “The man can fly, I don’t think that’s the problem. Oh and don’t think I haven’t been noticing you avoiding him. Always sending me in with Kalen when he is here. I’ve been going along with it, but you do know that is coming to an end right?”

   “Yes I realize that, but then I’ll just have Alfred do it.”

   “Gia. Why are you avoiding the man? Do you know he asks about you every time he sees me? Looks shattered when I tell him I don’t know.”

   “Long story short he thinks that a family will fix all of his abandonment issues. I decided a long time ago I was done with the wrangling of a superhero.”

 Ms. A laughs at me which makes me pout slightly.

   “Why is that a bad thing? If he wants to be a family with you...I mean you can’t get much better than Superman.”

   “That’s Just it. I’m just me, he is Superman. He can have any woman he wants. He is only trying this because Lois got married and his own upbringing says you should have a family together with your child’s mother. I know him, it’s only a matter of time before he realizes again that I’m not it. I’d rather avoid the heartbreak later by ending it now.”

 She comes back over to her bed, sitting next to me before pulling me into a hug.

  “Baby I know you’ve been through a lot in your life and I also know that when someone burns you you think the best thing to do is cut the head off. It’s like a Hydra it always grows back with two more heads. The real question is are you fixing it or hiding it away? I’m going to tell you right now that you are only hurting yourself.”

   “I need to hurt myself before someone else does.”

   “Gia baby that is no way to live...”

 *At work*

 I was at work again much to everyone’s chagrin, but Victor was on a remote babysitting duty tonight. I knew I was going to have to quit because of those people that had taken me before found my house so quickly, it would only be a matter of time before they tracked me down again, but in this case more time out of the house meant I was less likely to run into Clark. It was the middle of the week, meaning we had a few regulars but no large crowds which was good for me. I was washing out some tumblers and hand drying them for later use, when a throat cleared behind me. I turned around and almost dropped the glass I was cleaning when I found  Lois sitting at the bar. This was the last place I expected to see her but her face gave no indication as to why she was there.

   “Oh wow... Look Lois, if you are here to slap me then come on get it over with. I already feel like shit.”

  “Is that how you greet all your old friends?”

She says with a wry smile in my direction.

   “Only the ones that want to fight me.”

   “Well then pick a different greeting then because I am not here to fight you Gia.”

 I raised an eyebrow.

  “Really? You aren’t just saying that to get a drink on the house are you?”

I smile slightly and go to make the drink I always knew was her favorite. She takes a long sip.

  “This drink might actually be heaven great job. Now let’s cut the bullshit and get to why I am really here.”

She says to me and takes another sip.

  “There’s the Lois I know.”

  “Exactly. The Lois who is a friend or at least thought she was AND has a few questions.”

  “Okay break me down reporter.”

  “Clark told me about your son together. I have a few questions I need answered woman to woman.”

 I sighed, I knew the woman to woman talk was going to have to happen eventually.

   “Alright. How about you head over to the booth, I’ll take my break and we can talk.”

 She agrees and takes her drink, her camel colored mid length coat covering the nice clothes that clearly signified she came from work to talk to me. It didn’t bode well for me because that meant she has been thinking about this all day. She was going to chew me out and I was going to have to let her because let’s face it, I was the third in a duo whether I meant to be or not.

I signaled my coworker to watch the bar for me, even though there was only  a few patrons in at the moment. 

 I slide in across from her, a glass of water in front of me. I eye her nervously, surely picking up on her energy, but she is radiating a swirl of things the most prominent being nerves, confusion, sadness all tied together with happiness. 

Very unsettling considering everything 

     “So As I said Clark told me that you two have. Son together. He also told me about the timeline of his conception. I guess I can’t truly say that he cheated with you because he didn’t but in a odd way it kind of feels that way slightly. Like when he and I took that break it was because I wasn’t sure his heart was in it anymore, plus all that stuff with Bruce and I needed time to think. It hurt to think he was able to be with you so easily. I’ve made peace with that. What I really want to know is why you left? At the end of everything we were friends, you could have asked me for help.”

   “Lois yes we were friends but be real, if I had come to you immediately after Clark died and said ‘aye yo’ sis I know you loved him and everything, but he and I did the deed and now I’m carrying your dead boyfriend's child’ Lois I know you. You would have absolutely hated me and never believed that it was only the one time.”

 She had the grace to look ashamed.

   “Maybe at the beginning. I would have still understood and as I said you were my friend. I was more upset about you abandoning me once Clark died than anything. I thought we were better than that.”

 I looked at her saddened, somehow feeling more terrible than I had about anyone because she had been a good friend to me. 

   “We were. Maybe I shouldn’t have left, but I couldn’t handle you and Martha hating me. I already felt like an invasive species in your world.”

  “You weren’t and I’m sorry if I never expressed that you weren’t. Besides, I should have bowed out a while ago.”

I looked at her confused as she took another drink. I followed suit with my water.

    “Huh?”

    “Gia how long have you been in love with Clark?”

 I know I looked like a deer in headlights as I stared at Lois, who only had a small smirk on her face as she watched me panic. This had been one of my fears. That I would have to look her in the eyes and explain that had sat in her face smiling all the while loving her man. It was shady as fuck at best.

   “W..wwhat do you mean? I don’t love him.”

   “So now we are going to sit in each other’s faces and lie? Come on Gia, I am a Pulitzer Prize winning investigative  journalist and at the end of it all, I am a woman. I knew. I choose to ignore it because I was being selfish, trying to hold on to something that was never meant to last. Honestly, trying to keep up with a superhero? Knowing he was out facing evils and putting himself at risk? Knowing I had no way of stopping it? One of the reasons I needed to think without him was I was coming to the realization that I wasn’t cut out for feeling helpless. That’s never been me.”

 I still didn’t want to say it out loud.

   “Gia all I am asking for is a little honesty. Don’t let poor little ole me go into the world thinking I’m crazy, when I know I’m not.”

   “Fine. I guess it didn’t start that way and I know he was completely dedicated to you. I thought at first it was like me being young and dumb, you know that public figure crush that everyone gets when faced with an attractive public figure, then maybe I thought it was a whole bonding because of the trauma, then I don’t know what happened. And I tried not to feel that way. Honest Lois I did, because it was hopeless for me to feel that way. I was learning to be okay with being his friend. Then that night happened. It changed everything.”

   “And how did he tell you he was still going to be with me.”

   “After he disappeared on me for a week, he came by and told me that he and I shouldn’t be around each other.”

 I left out the part that I saw them together first, and until that moment I was holding out for him to come back to me.

  “Clark has always had foot in mouth syndrome. He is very intelligent but sometimes he just says the wrong thing.”

   “You can say that again, Jesus.”

 We laugh and somehow it gets serious again as awkwardness fills the room.

  “ That night that Clark died was certain about your feelings. I was grieving him but the way you grieved him was different. It almost felt intrusive to watch how you sat next him and just cried, your hand on his, literally trying to push energy into him, you don’t even realize you were begging him not to leave you, it was so quiet and heartbreaking that if I hadn’t been listening over his chest I wouldn’t have heard you at all. It was like a private moment that you shared with him, even in death.“

 I was shocked. Everything was such a blur that night. I didn’t remember asking Clark not to leave.

 “I felt even worse when I found the ring he had for me.”

 “It was a beautiful ring.” I noted.

 “I didn’t tell anyone when I found these.”

 She pulls out two envelopes. One with her name and the other one for me.

 She sides mine across the table, and I pick it up recognizing Clark’s neat writing, indicating that he took his time, because it was impossible to be that neat if he was rushing versus him taking his time.

  “I was upset when I read mine, but I never had any intention on not giving you yours. Like I said you disappeared.”

The paper feels heavy in my hand and I don’t want to open it. 

   “I never read it just an FYI. The letters were hidden in his stuff in the apartment. I actually found the ring a while before I found these. My letter basically said that he loved me and he always would but I didn’t deserve to be with someone who couldn’t give me their whole heart. He wished that he had the courage to say that to me, that our time together had made everything he’d done in his life worth it and hoped that someday we would be friends.”

 I looked at her shocked. Clark had actually planned on leaving her?

 “I..Lois..I don’t know what to say...”

 “There is nothing to say. Just read your letter.”

She shrugs and I open the slightly brown envelope. 

 Dearest Gia,   I am writing this letter to you because I’ve always been better with the written word than talking. The confidence I have in spades on a normal day disappears when I am around you. I want to say that I regret not staying with you. It’s not that I don’t love Lois but you walked out my life two weeks ago and I haven’t been okay since. It’s like you took all of my hopes, dreams and happiness with you. This is why I am breaking things off with Lois for good. I can’t love her that way now that I have experienced being with you. The mistake I made haunts me night after night and I can’t sleep, not without feeling you next to me. I’m not a creeper” as you would have called me, but most of the time I stay up watching your apartment and hoping you change your mind. Ask me to come back to you.    There are so many things I want to say to you and I can’t because you don’t want me... at least not the way I want you. You were perfectly okay with being my friend, and I ruined it by not being able to stop myself, because I had to have you. Even if it was for only one night, one night that you entrusted me to be with you and I ruined it as soon as I possibly could. This letter is the only chance I suspect I’ll ever have to tell you exactly how I feel, because if I know anything about you, once you dig your heels in about something then that’s it. That goodbye you spoke to me felt final, and I am not okay with that, but I can’t deny you from whatever you want from me.   However, I cannot let you leave my life without telling you that I love you. I know that you don’t feel that way for me and I selfishly wished you did because I could call you mine. Finally.    As I said in the earlier part of my letter I’ve never been good with voicing my feelings, especially around you. The feelings I have for you run deep and maybe someday when I see you married or with someone else’s child I’ll get over you, but  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over you.    This letter is getting long and I’ve probably taken your attention away from someone who has a chance with you. I won’t bother you again, but I do want you to know that  I’ll always listen for your voice,  I’ll always come when you call for me.   Yours,   Clark Joseph Kent

 I looked back up at Lois with my eyes and face wet.

   “I meant it when I said I should have bowed out a long time ago. I told you I never read your letter, but if it says what I think it does then my suspicions before i had a conversation with him were correct. The reporter in me wanted to read it, but my morals wouldn’t let me intrude on a private moment between the two of you, plus I honestly didn’t know how I would deal with reading if I had said something to you that I wasn’t ready to accept. If your letter was anything like mine then it was personal and I knew what it said.  Clark looked at me like I was the only woman in the world for him, but you Gia... Gia, he looked at you like you hung the moon. At first I didn’t understand why it wasn’t me, what was it about you besides the whole power thing? I realized that while I was Clark’s biggest cheerleader, he didn’t need a cheerleader, he needed a partner. Someone he can pass the ball to when it gets too tough for him mentally and in your case physically as well. I can be there for him and be proud of everything but I don’t think I won’t be able to fully understand what you all go through in your lives. I can write about hard decisions but I’ve never had to make them.”

 Her words hit me right in the chest as I felt her sadness. I could tell what she had just told me hadn’t been something easy to admit to herself much less another person. 

  “I am so sorry Lois.”

  “Don’t be sorry for me. I don’t need that. I met my husband Matthew not too long after that letter and it’s been a worldwide adventure and I realized that my hero can be a regular guy. Matt has been a saving grace more than I can count. If you two can make each other happy then just know that if it helps you have my blessing. All I am asking for is that even if you don’t want to be with Clark can you at least go see him? He is starting to emit a permanent aura of doom and gloom. I’m surprised you can’t feel it.”

   “I’ve kinda been blocking all incoming emotions anytime he is around. I didn’t want to have to feel the pity, the guilt, the complacency he would have to be with me. I didn’t know any better.”

 Lois shakes her head with a smile.

   “You two deserve each other because you are both impossible. Blind leading the blind.”

 I laugh with her and glance over at my coworker who is watching me as well and I realize how much of a mess I had to look like. He looked like he was going to come over any second but I shook my head no once we made eye contact. Lois looks over at him and offers him a head tilt and then looks back at me. She gets up and grabs her bag and coat that she took off once she sat down in the booth. Once prepared to leave she turns to me with a fixed yet soft stare and says

   “Please go and see him.”

   “I will.” I agree and try not to let it show how much I would like to leave at that very moment to tell him.

  “Good. Stay in touch Gia, I didn’t just come to be Clark’s wing...girl. I came to get my friend back.”

She offers me a hug and I take it. 

  “I’ve missed you Lois Lane.”

   “Oh don’t worry you won’t get rid of me now, because you are way too fucking hard to track down. Also let me tell you that I swear if you make me track you to a strip club again I will hurt you.”

 I sighed, and did my best to look nervous. The strip club had not been my finest hour, but the only saving grace was that I’d only been a bartender there too. However the people there were nicer than any other job I had ever had since then,  I didn’t think anyone could find out about that.

   “Alright alright already. Get out of here, I’m sure you are expected home by now.”

 She agrees with a laugh and goes on her way.

 At my return to the bar, my co-workers look at me nervously as if I was going to burst into tears again at any second. I ponder how quickly I can leave to go find Clark. 

   “I’m fine John. You can stop holding your breath. I won’t cry on you.”

 He visibly relaxes at my joke.

   “Damn all this time Tiffany,  I’ve been waiting to be a  shoulder for you to cry on.”

   “With those lines you will be waiting for a long time...”

with that I count down the time until I could leave to find Clark...

A/N: Does anyone need Kleenex? I did and I wrote it lol 

Good news is that Gia now knows exactly how Clark feels about her. Will they finally stop dancing around each other?

Thank You for reading and the taglist for this story is open. I appreciate every reblog and comment. I promise you I am going to do better with responding to the comment that I left because I really enjoy them and don’t want them to stop! 

TAGLIST:

@bloodyinspiredfuck​ @romyr4​ @p3nny4urth0ught5​

[somethingusernameworthy]

Hi. - WonHan [SEVENTEEN]

Title: Hi.

Pairing: Jeon Wonwoo & Yoon Jeonghan

Tags: Fluff. Established Relationship.

Length: 5.3k words

Summary:  Yoon Jeonghan gets swept away by work for the new year’s and is trying to search for the right words to greet his sick lover.

Also posted in AO3 as:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/22050919

Hope you like it!

________________________________________________________________

Hi. |

The cursor blinks in Jeonghan’s screen and he just stares at it. It’s way past midnight and Wonwoo’s already asleep, a little early for the new year’s but there’s nothing that can be done. His Wonu is sick and alone all the way back home because Jeonghan had to leave for work. He thinks it’s bad enough that he can’t spend the holidays with his lover, it’s just unfair that he can’t even take care of his man when he’s sick.

Jeonghan’s work as a photographer took him everywhere – from the busy parts of Changwon to Seoul and, on really lucky opportunities, even as far as New York. He and Wonwoo usually didn’t have problems about it. Wonwoo is an author who is now also dabbling in art. His parents own a bookstore and café in Changwon and on the holidays, he helps their family business breeze through the busiest times of the year while Jeonghan either stays or flies wherever his company sends him.

But this time was special for both of them. It’s their third year together and fifth year as friends so both Jeonghan and Wonwoo wanted to celebrate the holidays together for a change. Wonwoo already told his parents that he wasn’t working for the holidays this time around and Jeonghan has already informed his company months prior so he was sure they would not, at all cost, give him an assignment. He even kept on talking about their plans weeks before to guilt-trip their office in case they even try (and contrary to whatever Wonwoo would say, that is the true reason and not his excitement, thank you very much).

Still, shit happens, and plans can get ruined. Jeonghan was already dressed up in his ugly Christmas sweater and beanie, his bag packed and already waiting for Wonwoo by their door when his phone rang. (God, he should have known. He should have ignored it the moment it rang.) He was being called to the office at the last minute because one of their photographers was rushed to the hospital – in his rush to get there and support his wife in labor. It wasn’t anything serious, but the job required good motor skills and his co-worker couldn’t possibly make it to the job with a badly sprained foot (Soonyoung, that dumbass). All the other photographers have already been booked for a job or outside of the country.

Thus, Jeonghan being called to take his place.

Thus, Jeonghan having to grudgingly cancel his holiday plans with Wonwoo to which Wonwoo was surprisingly very understanding and okay about. He was even the one who convinced Jeonghan to take the job because – and to quote him - Soonyoung would do the same for them. Jeonghan countered that they will never be biologically capable of bearing children so Soonyoung couldn’t even if he wanted to. Still, he took the job because he understood what his partner meant.

This leads him back to the blinking cursor in his laptop. He glares at it menacingly, as if his glare can make it magically write words on its own. No such luck. He returns to typing.

Hi, it sucks that I’m here in Seoul while you’re all the way in Changwon and I can’t kiss you happy new year like we planned to. :( It sucks that you’re sick. :(

He deletes his words, chuckling a little. He can’t send that to Wonwoo. He’s whining again and even if he knows the boy doesn’t mind, he wants to write a touching and emotional love letter that will make that surprisingly romantic nerd boyfriend of his have company while he was away eat his words when he said Jeonghan wasn’t sweet at all.

He remembers his last gift to Wonwoo. He tried baking him brownies for his birthday. He and Jihoon thought of it on a whim, knowing that his partner preferred small celebrations than large ones and thinking that cakes are mainstream so the way to go is brownies. Homemade no-bake brownies. From scratch. They even got Chan to help.

It was a horror.

  --

  Jeonghan was already looking up pastry recipes online while he was waiting for Jihoon. The guy messaged him the night before, asking if he could swing by Jeonghan’s place in the afternoon. He said he hit a snitch in his thought process and needed to get out of his cave studio for inspiration; maybe Jeonghan’s place would work. It was something they usually did, hanging out and just talking for hours. But that was something back in college, now they just meet like this and pretend they’re working when all they do is catch up with their own lives.

When Jihoon arrived, he was unusually late. He had a very distracted gaze, as if looking at everything and nothing at the same time, and his eyes didn’t meet Jeonghan’s. He was wondering if Jihoon was worried about something – maybe another fight with Seungcheol? – he was willing to listen, but if Jihoon wasn’t saying anything, then neither was he. Yet. When Jihoon was ready, he’s sure they’ll talk.

He led the boy to the living room where his laptop and camera was set up on the coffee table. Jihoon settled down on the adjacent corner of the table, setting up his own laptop and portable equipment while blabbering about random things that happened on his way to Jeonghan’s place and something about his older brother buying him clothes. None of them were doing actual work and they talk about the randomest things that recently happened in their lives. He contributed to the conversation as much as possible while scrolling through brownie recipes. 

Finally, Jihoon ran out of things to fill the silence and peeked at his screen. “You’re making brownies?”

“I’m still thinking,” he answered, grinning. “It’s Wonwoo’s birthday soon and I wanted to make him something special this year.”

“Soon?” Jihoon perked up, remembering that Wonwoo’s birthday was indeed around this time of the month. “How soon?”

“Tomorrow soon,” Jeonghan chuckled guiltily. If he was being honest, he planned to make the brownies that day, but since Jihoon was coming over, he thought he could just go and buy the ingredients and then make the actual thing the next day. He’s meeting Wonwoo in the evening anyway. But since Jihoon already brought it up, Jeonghan was made to realize the absurdity of his plans. “Want to come buy ingredients with me?”

 They found themselves in the grocery store fifteen minutes later with Jihoon pushing the cart while Jeonghan tried to make sense of the ingredients. They’re halfway through the list when their cart bumped into Chan. Jeonghan insisted that it’s Jihoon’s fault for distracting him to which the younger would retort that it’s Jeonghan’s fault for being lost in a grocery store in his own neighborhood. Chan argued they’re both as bad as the other and decides to stick around to make sure they don’t mess up his Wonwoo-hyung’s birthday brownie cake.

“Okay, so it says here to sift the flour and cocoa,” Jeonghan read and put down his phone, preparing a cup each of flour and unsweetened cocoa. Jihoon then proceeded to sift the flour, “this is nice.”

“Hyung, let me try,” Chan said and gestured to accept the sift from Jihoon which the older boy lets him do. Jeonghan then checked the next procedure so he can prepare the next ingredients when he realized it only required half a cup of cocoa instead of one. “Wait, stop!” he told his friends of his mistake to which they answer that it’s no use as the cocoa has already been sifted with the flour. He urged them to scoop at least a tablespoon of cocoa out.

“Nah, it’s alright, hyung,” Jihoon said. “Just treat this as practice and make Wonwoo the right one later.”

Chan jived in, “Yeah! Then we can just eat whatever we make together.

“I don’t think I have time for that so we're just using this one and I’ll just let this slide,” Jeonghan decided after a while. “Though that’s the last time we’re saying ‘it’s alright!’” They nod.

It wasn’t the last time.

Because he was controlling the phone, Jihoon and Chan functioned as the extension of his hands, making the brownie. The problem was: they’re very uncooperative hands. Jihoon kept adding extra milk while they were cooking the batter, Chan kept on playing with the fire settings and both of them kept on reassuring, “it’s alright.’”

“It’s nooot!” Jeonghan would protest every time. “It’s not as if we’re the ones eating this! My boyfriend is!”

“Why can’t we just be the ones to eat this?” Jihoon suggested.

“Serves you right for having a boyfriend,” single-Chan dissed at the same time and they do a high five while Jeonghan palmed his face, all while still letting his dongsaengs handle the cooking.

More ‘it’s alrights’ and ‘it’s nots’ later, the batter had been transferred to a container and stored in the fridge. Jeonghan took a quick break from the world and heads for the couch, resting his back. He felt his dongsaengs follow, Jihoon returning to his spot on the floor and Chan replacing him in his. Both seemed to be just as tired as they engage in casual discussion while checking their phones. Jeonghan took this time to complain about his problems to Jisoo, his best friend from uni who already went back to the states for work.

He sent Jisoo photos of the successful looking brownie cake as well as photos of the pests who decided to infiltrate his home and sabotage his brownie for Wonwoo. “I’m so tired,” he shared. “But I’m glad I was able to put the brownies in the fridge right after we placed them in the container. You know, before these two could sabotage it more. Chan even wanted to put it in the freezer for faster chilling, can you believe these men?”

“Uh, Hannie,” Jisoo asked after a while.

“Yes?”

“Shouldn’t you let the brownies cool before putting them in?”

“What?”

   He found himself curled up in Wonwoo’s lap a few minutes after they’ve gone back home from a small dinner with Wonwoo’s parents. Wonwoo already lived separately, but they always found it a pleasure to visit and have meals with his parents especially since his mom was just so nice and sweet, and his dad so funny. They often joke they’d adopt Jeonghan because he’s such a sweeter boy than Wonwoo, but said guy paid no heed and instead goes for the kill. “He’ll be a part of the family soon, Ma, Pa. No need for adoption papers.” They did that joke again that night and although they’re both tired, Jeonghan went home with a lightness in his chest.  

With his arm loosely wrapped around the man’s neck and Wonwoo’s arms around his waist, he peppered the underside of said man’s chin with small, light kisses. “Happy birthday, love,” he said just loud enough for both of them to hear. Wonwoo smiled back and tilted his head down so he can meet Jeonghan’s small kisses with his own.

“Thank you,” Wonwoo says softly, each word punctuated with a press of his lips to Jeonghan’s. Jeonghan smiled and closed the day after his eyes, already relaxing in the embrace of his partner, the meeting of their lips leaving small chus across the room. He always loved moments like this – quietly holding each other on the couch, lips meeting softly, silently, with no rush or pressure at all. Even after so many years, Wonwoo still mde his heart flutter like the first time they touched.

He could have stayed there and kissed Wonwoo to sleep, but he was a man with a mission and his mission was to deliver his gift. He chased after Wonwoo’s lips one last time before sitting up properly, “Stay there.” He got up, but a confused Wonwoo pulled him back for another kiss and he stayed there straddling Wonwoo for a full minute, giving each other lazy kisses before Jeonghan finally got the strength to pull away. He playfully slapped Wonwoo’s shoulders and planted the guy’s palms down the couch. “Stay,” he said, pressing them down, “here. Okay?”

Wonwoo chuckled and nodded, but when Jeonghan turned his back to finally get the brownies, he inched forward and pulled Jeonghan back. “Looove,” Jeonghan protested as he found himself flopping back down the younger’s lap, a big stupid grin stuck on his face.

“It’s my birthday,” Wonwoo protested back, arms snaking around the older man’s waist once more. “Can’t we just stay here longer?” He lets Wonwoo steal a kiss.

Jeonghan thought it’s absolutely unfair for a man with such sharp features to be capable of pulling off puppy eyes, but he should have known he dug his own grave when he decided to date this guy. “Isn’t that my line?” He squinted, shaking his head at the absurdity of the situation. Here he was the guy who usually asks for a minute more to laze around is the one itching to get up.

Wonwoo shrugged, a coy smile on his face, “I don’t know, is it?”

He’s about to let Wonwoo pull them into lying lazily on the couch again when he stood up, this time pulling Wonwoo along with him. “You know what,” he decided, harnessing all of his self-control. There was no budging Wonwoo when he was like this. “Just come with me.”

 They don’t bother to turn the lights on as they made their way to the kitchen. He had a hand holding Wonwoo’s and the other covering his eyes. “What’s this?” Wonwoo laughed, trying to take Jeonghan’s hand off. “Serves you right for not letting me go alone,” he bit back, keeping his hands firm. The other just laughed him off with a “Yes, yes,” and shifted their position so Wonwoo could awkwardly wrap an arm around Jeonghan’s waist as they walked awkwardly to the kitchen, fingers laced.

“No peeking,” Jeonghan reminded him as Wonwoo ended up covering his own eyes on their way to the fridge. He briefly let go of Wonwoo and made him stay put by the kitchen counter before moving to get the brownies from the fridge and a small candle and a lighter from one of the kitchen drawers. He set them up nicely on the counter. “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

Wonwoo made a show of opening his eyes but keeping his hands on top of them. “Can I take the hands off too?”

He laughed and peeled them off himself, slipping a quick peck on his lips.

“What’s this?” Wonwoo asked with a little laugh that’s a mix of surprise and disbelief. “You made this for me?”

Jeonghan let out an excited squeal. “Yes!” He sliced them a piece and gave Wonwoo a fork. “I made it with Jihoon and Chan, so if anything’s wrong it, it’s their fault.”

Wonwoo laughed and tentatively looked at the sight before him. Jeonghan had to admit, he didn’t have much time to prepare. The brownies were still in the metal container they were frozen on, they weren’t sliced yet except for the part he gave Wonwoo and that means he hasn’t tasted the brownies himself either. He could have messed up and used salt instead of sugar and wouldn’t have a clue. He ended up very nervous and twiddled his fingers as he watched Wonwoo take a bite.

Please like it. Please like it. Oh, please like it.

But then Wonwoo’s hands flew to his mouth and he gagged.

“Shit! Was it salt?! Quick, spit it out!”

Wonwoo seemed to be taken aback by this response and laughed. He waved his hands and finished the whole bite before responding to him. “What do you mean, was it salt?” He laughed. “I was just kidding. It tastes great.”

Jeonghan let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t poison his boyfriend on his birthday, nice. But then it dawned on him that Wonwoo was playing with him and he slapped the guy on the shoulder. “That was so uncalled for!”

The birthday boy laughed and wrapped his arms around Jeonghan who pretended to put up a fight before wrapping his arms around the boy’s neck. “I’m sorry. The brownies were delicious.”

“Thank yo–”

“If they even were brownies-” Wonwoo earned another slap on the shoulder. “Kidding! I’m kidding! I loved them, thank you.” He tried to placate Jeonghan with a peck on the lips that Jeonghan did not dignify with a response, but they both knew it was working. “Now why don’t we go back to our bedroom so I can show you how thankful I am for this surprise?” Jeonghan allowed him to steal another kiss before returning the brownie cake in the fridge and letting himself be pulled away.

 He found out the day after that the brownies tasted raw and had Wonwoo – who was unfairly better at him in these things – bake them.

  --

  Of course, the guy is so much better at planning surprise birthday presents than him too.

  --

  His birthday that year started off already amazing.

He woke up with a little disappointment at not finding Wonwoo in bed with him but was immediately placated by the strong scent of waffles that made its way to their slightly ajar bedroom door. Excited, he made his way to their kitchen to see Wonwoo plating some waffles on the table and then returning to the kitchen to cook some eggs. “Oh,” Wonwoo said, looking back at him for just a moment, “I didn’t think you’d be up so early.”

Jeonghan slowly made his way to the kitchen and coudn’t help but notice the wild mix of food on the dining table. There was waffles with a can of whipped cream and a bowl of blueberries on the side, Japanese rice balls, a small serving of kimchi and an unfinished plating of bacon where he thought the eggs Wonwoo’s still making was going to go.

This was a strange arrangement for Jeonghan. Wonwoo wasn’t a fan of preparing different sets of food that wouldn’t normally go on the same table so he was trying to piece together what theme could be behind this morning’s breakfast when he realizes what day it is. It was his birthday. And these were all his favorite breakfast food.

A new level of fondness bubbled in his chest and he cooed at his cute chef. He wrapped his arms around Wonwoo’s waist. “Aw, sweetie,” he started, planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “You didn’t have to prepare all these for me.”

“Great, should I pack them all away?”

“No!” He laughed and playfully slapped Wonwoo on the arm when he sees the glint of humor in his eyes. “You’re such a meanie. Just admit that you prepared all this food for me and greet me happy birthday like a normal person.”

All he got was a laugh and a kiss on the lips as Wonwoo moved away to plate the scrambled eggs with the bacon. He pouted. He wasn’t getting a happy birthday, was he?

Once Wonwoo was done plating the eggs (which looked fantastic, by the way) and putting away the kitchenware, he made a grand gesture of pulling a chair for Jeonghan who curtsied and took it before they both laugh and Wonwoo took the empty seat beside him. That was their thing that started a few months after they started dating. They realized they were both more comfortable when the other was sitting beside them than in front of. They found it more intimate.

They talked about their lives and their plans for the day as they started eating. They both woke up too early for work so they took their time in their stories, even slipping in what little they could remember from their odds dreams that night. Of course, Jeonghan made sure to remind Wonwoo every so often that he made a wonderful breakfast and that he enjoyed every single bite of it to Wonwoo’s embarrassment/annoyance. He only stopped when Wonwoo threatened to not do it ever again. (Of course, Jeonghan slid an excited “There’s gonna be a next time?” before letting it go.)

By the time they finished doing the dishes and preparing for their individual days out, Jeonghan had given up on the idea that Wonwoo was ever going to greet him happy birthday like a normal person. He took his time putting his keys and phone in his bag as he remembered everything Wonwoo did for him that morning that were enough of a happy birthday for him than anything. Wonwoo was so sweet and thoughtful that what he lacked in normal people speak, he made up for in Wonwoo Secret Language. And Jeonghan wouldn’t have it in any other way.

They were both on their way out of the door (with Jeonghan trying to sneak a quick goodbye-before-we-go-separate-ways kiss to no avail) when Wonwoo started patting down his trousers and the pockets of his bag. “Hey, I think I left my phone in the bedroom. Hold on,” was all he said before running back to their bedroom. Jeonghan just laughed and shouted after him, “I’ll wait for you here!” before he turned his back, leaned on their doorframe and took out his phone to check the daily news. Or puppies on his Twitter feed.

He’s too absorbed in giggling at cute little puppies tripping over themselves as they try to climb the stairs when he heard Wonwoo call, “Found it!” behind his back.

“Great-” he started to say as he turned around and saw Wonwoo, who instead of holding his phone, was holding a huge bouquet of pink tulips – his favorite flower – and a small circle of red velvet cake – again, his favorite. “Wha-?”

“Happy birthday, stupid.”

Jeonghan could feel his eyes tearing up. He slowly pocketed his phone and put down his bag before reaching over to kiss Wonwoo on the lips. “Thank you, dum-dum.” He gave the guy another peck before accepting his gifts. “Best birthday gift ever.”

Or so he thought.

Wonwoo prepared the sweetest, most thoughtful gift for him that morning that he didn’t suspect there would be a sequel to it anymore after work. He was full of blissful energy that day that no petulant kid at the photo booth could ruin his day. His day wasn’t even ruined when Wonwoo texted him after work that he couldn’t pick Jeonghan up on time and he had to carpool with Soonyoung instead, if he could. He had enough happiness to last him a week.

So, when he opened the door for Soonyoung who asked if he could drop by for coffee, he didn’t expect a bunch of his friends from work and college to surprise him with confetti, a few drinks and food. He didn’t expect his indoor I-prefer-it-with-a-few-friends-over boyfriend to throw a whole party for his birthday. But that was the thing with him and Wonwoo. They were generally the same in their very core, but they had different preferences like how they both knew Wonwoo would have preferred a quiet time with just the two of them on his birthday and that Jeonghan liked being part of a crowd or overused cliché gifts like cake and flowers.

Jeonghan was so happy, he couldn’t erase the giddy smile from his face even as the guests have all left and they were both laying down on their comfy bed, arms wrapped around each other. “Thank you for this beautiful day, Woo,” he said, planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s lips.

He felt Wonwoo smile as he deepens their kiss, pulling Jeonghan closer, hand slowly creeping under Jeonghan’s shirt. They remain that way for a while, content and giggly, when all of a sudden Wownoo pulled away and smirked. “And that,” he plants a small kiss on Jeonghan’s lips, “is how you throw a proper birthday surprise.”

“HEY!” Jeonghan laughed as he pinched Wonwoo on the side and hugged him close.

  --

  Hi. |

He continues to struggle figuring out what to write for his sick boyfriend and decides to wing it. Typing whatever it is that comes to mind as if he was back at home, talking to Wonwoo and they were spending the holidays together. He lets in a few complains about their arrangement because, let’s face it, it’s not really a message from Jeonghan if he isn’t being a bitch honest about his feelings.

But if he’s being honest, there’s another reason behind his bitterness about the situation. This holiday trip is supposed to be extra special for both of them. He planned three different romantic places they could go to: a fancy schmancy restaurant that serves Wonwoo’s favorite food, a hotel that was near the baywalk so they could take a calm morning walk, just like how Wonwoo wanted, and a quiet day on a park with the most beautiful trail he’s ever seen.

He looks at the small red velvety box lying on top of his bedside table. These are all places he planned for them to go to so Jeonghan could propose to Wonwoo. He made sure he got three tries in case he chickens out or loses the timing. But now he couldn’t even get one chance and he’s stuck writing his sick boyfriend an email because the guy can’t muster up the strength to video chat him.

He manages to write the cheesy email and send it to his boyfriend a few hours after midnight, not that Wonwoo would be able to read it in his current state. But Jeonghan thinks it’s the thought that counts.

Over the next two days, Jeonghan busies himself with work. He calls Wonwoo every so often to check on him, too. Wonwoo is still sick and Jeonghan has the slightest idea that it’s because every time he’s about to get better, he overexerts himself, probably to finish another deadline, and ends up getting even more sick. He really can’t wait to get home so he can take proper care of his stupid boyfriend.

On the day Jeonghan is finally allowed to go back home, he drops by the bookstore and picks up a book he knows Wonwoo will like. He has it wrapped and write a quick cheesy note on top of it before putting it inside his bag and leaves for the airport.

The sun has just risen when he gets back to his home in Changwon and he quickly makes himself comfortable, putting his bags on his desk and taking a quick shower. He takes a peek at the lovely man sleeping on his bed (with a laptop beside him that just confirms Jeonghan’s overworking theory) and puts his hand on his forehead, checking Wonwoo’s temperature. He’s not that sick anymore, but Jeonghan takes this opportunity to cook him chicken soup for breakfast. It’s just around the time Wonwoo is about to wake up when he finishes the soup and rice. He makes his way to their bedroom carrying a small tray for Wonwoo’s breakfast in bed.

“Good morning, Woo,” he calls entering their room. Wonwoo starts to sit up, rubbing his eyes.

“Good morning. How was your flight?”

Oh, Wonwoo, ever the considerate guy. “It was great, thank you. I slept all the way here. Even on the taxi ride.” He sits down beside Wonwoo on the bed and sets up the tray. “I prepared you some breakfast.”

Wonwoo makes way for him on the bed. “At least you didn’t miss your stop,” he says. “Thank you for the breakfast, Han. You didn’t need to do this.”

“Oh, come on. I wanted to make up to you for being gone over the weekend.” He leans in to plant a kiss on the top of Wonwoo’s head.

Wonwoo smiles. “Thank you.” He takes a spoon and starts eating. They talk all the while, with Jeonghan telling ridiculous stories of the photoshoot he just had and Wonwoo sharing his own ridiculous stories with the people who came over to visit and take care of him. They laugh and eat and generally have a good time. Jeonghan is still contemplating about the right time to bring up the little velvet box he kept in his bag.

Right after Wonwoo finishes his food, Jeonghan takes the tray away and says, “Oh wait! Stay there! I got you something!” He rushes to leave the tray in the kitchen and heads over to his desk to pick up the wrapped book he got for Wonwoo. He takes the ring with him too, just for good measure. “Here you go,” he says as he hands Wonwoo the book.

“Gee, thanks!” Wonwoo says with a big smile when he unwraps the present. He looks through the pages, as if he can’t wait to read the book when Jeonghan remembers something.

“Hey, why didn’t you ever respond to my email?”

“What email?” Wonwoo asks a little confused. He puts down his book.

Jeonghan laughs. “And here I was wondering why I didn’t receive a snarky remark about my writing skills nor a quick thanks from you,” he jokes. He reaches over to pick up Wonwoo’s laptop and puts it on top the man’s lap. “Quick! Quick! Read it!”

And, with a laugh, Wonwoo does.

 Hi.

It sucks that I’m here in Seoul while you’re all the way in Changwon and I can’t kiss you happy new year like we planned to. :( It sucks that you’re sick. :(

But I know it must suck even more for you because you were really looking forward to this trip and it just proves how much of a good friend you are that you were willing to set this trip aside for our good friend (who should really be naming his firstborn after us because of this!)

You’re really a treasure, Woo. You give your best in everything and give your friends all the best things you can ever give. I’m sure I’m speaking for all of our friends when I say this, but we’re lucky to have you in our lives. You’re my treasure. And I plan on keeping you for as long as you’ll let me.

   Gosh, Woo, I’m really no good at this. You’re the writer here, don’t laugh at me! Anyway, my point is I’m glad to have met you for another full year and I hope you’d let me for even longer. I love you, Wonwoo. Always.

  Still wishing I could kiss you happy new year,

Jeonghan.

  “You can still kiss me happy new year now,” Wownoo says after reading, putting his laptop down.

Jeonghan pouts. “But it isn’t new year’s anymore.”

“Does it matter?” is all Wonwoo says before leaning forward and meeting his lips with Jeonghan’s. “Happy new year.”

Jeonghan smiles and thinks, this is it. Now’s the right time. “Hey, Woo,” he starts. “Cover your eyes.”

“What now? Don’t tell me you have more gifts?” Wonwoo complains but nonetheless closes his eyes.

Jeonghan pulls the velvety box from his pocket and opens it. “You can open them now.” The mix of joy, confusion and loss on the Wonwoo face confuses and brings giddiness to Jeonghan. “Will you marry me?”

They stay silent for a moment, both smiling with giddy faces as they look into each other’s eyes – before Wonwoo breaks contact and doubles over laughing.

“What? What? What did I do?” Jeonghan laughs, even more confused. Wonwoo doesn’t grace him with an answer and just reaches over to their bedside drawer, pulling an equally small, equally velvety black box. He opens it and Jeonghan is surprised to see another ring inside.

 “I should have known you were going to propose to me too,” is all Wonwoo offers for an explanation. “So, if I say yes, does this mean you’re saying yes to me too?”

Jeonghan just laughs and wraps his arms around Wonwoo’s neck. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

The sudden action makes his ring fall out of its box, jumping behind the headrest, and they both spend the entire morning trying to fish it from underneath the bed, but it doesn’t matter. He’s got a groom-to-be now and that’s enough happiness to last him a lifetime.

[miraculouslbfangirl]

4 - The weight of being the Guardian

AO3

1   2   3    5

Chapter 4 - Acceptance 

When Ladybug detransformed Tikki shared a sad look with Wayzz who nodded and headed to their personal space, both knowing that Marinette needed some time alone to process everything. She would talk when she was ready.

Marinette was grateful that the next day was Saturday and she didn’t have school because she was sure that sleep wasn’t on her agenda, and also that she wouldn’t have to see Adrien on the next two days.

She followed her nightly routine and settled in her bed facing the ceiling. Through the skylight, she could see the dark clouds covering the moon. As the first raindrops reached the glass she couldn’t hold back her tears. It was under the rain that she had fallen in love with him, and it was with the rain that she acknowledged how impossible that love was.

Usually, when Marinette made a mistake she did everything within her reach to correct it and learn from it. But she tried not to think so hard about them. Now, she had to face the fact that her biggest mistakes, the ones with great consequences, involved Adrien, in one way or another.

Volpina was the first. She had left her jealousy to speak louder and earned an enemy, on both sides of her mask. Lila’s actions almost got her akumatized twice. A shiver went down Marinette’s body as she remembered the last time that happened. She knew that as Marinette it would still be the same, she couldn’t just ignore her lies. However, as Ladybug things could have been different.

The events that led Marianne to get akumatized were also related to Adrien. If she hadn’t been so obsessed about his trip to England with Kagami, she wouldn’t have messed up and Hawkmoth wouldn’t have found out Master Fu’s name, nor his connexion with the woman he loved. It was also Adrien’s relationship with Kagami that led Ladybug to make the biggest mistake of all. Marinette had been trying to cope with the fact that it was her fault that Master Fu had to give up on the Guardian’s role, but tonight she couldn’t help the feeling of guilt.

A sob escaped her as she curled up on herself. Tikki, that had kept an eye on her chosen, landed beside her head and nuzzled her cheek. “You need to calm down, Marinette. Or Hawkmoth can send an akuma to you.”

Oh, right. She couldn’t even be human. Marinette sat up wiping the tears from her face, Tikki was just trying to help. “It’s just so unfair.” She whined.

“We know, Marinette.” Wayzz said. “But Tikki is right, we can’t risk you getting akumatized. You should talk with us.”

Marinette took some deep breaths to still herself. “I don’t deserve to be the Guardian. I mess up everything.” She dropped her gaze avoiding to look at the kwamis.

“Of course you deserve it. Master Fu had complete faith in you. You are the best miraculous holder that he had ever encountered, including himself.” Wayzz flew down to look Marinette in the eye. “You have no idea how special you are.”

“I made so many mistakes.” She sniffled.

“Everybody makes mistakes and you always fix yours,” Tikki reassured. “You are just confused. We knew you’d feel like that because of who Chat Noir is. That’s why we waited to tell you about the reveal.”

“My worst mistakes always involved Adrien. My feelings for him clouded my judgments so many times. I put Master Fu at risk twice because I was jealous of Adrien with Kagami. Not to mention Volpina.” Marinette shifted uncomfortably on the bed struggling to keep her voice low to not wake up her parents. “I made a bad choice when I gave him the snake miraculous.”

“You didn’t know that he was Chat Noir.” Tikki intervened.

“No, but if I had followed my instincts instead of my heart I would have given Luka the miraculous from the start. And then there’s the fact that I told Adrien that we didn’t need Chat Noir.” She ran her hand over her face “How could I do that? God, he tried so hard to not disappoint me. I hurt him so badly.” Marinette brought her knees to her chest and buried her face in them.

“Everything turned out fine, didn’t it?” Tikki said patting Marinette’s head.

“It still hurts him. The look in his face when he mentioned seeing me disappear over and over again…. I know he doesn’t have a photoshoot tomorrow. He made up an excuse to leave because he didn’t want me to see how upset he was. I know how it feels seeing your partner disappear and he had to go through that thousands of times. I…” she trailed off not knowing what else to say.

“Maybe you should talk to him about it.”

“Maybe…” Marinette lied down. “And then, there’s Chat Blanc… I will never know what happened.”

“You should try to sleep. With a fresh mind, you’ll think clearer.” Marinette just nodded to Wayzz that went back to his little bed.

Tikki nestled on her chosen’s hair, which Marinette accepted gladly. The conversation with her little friends didn’t solve her problems but soothed her enough to let her exhaustion take her to a dreamless sleep.

In the morning Marinette decided that there was no point in dwelling on her past mistakes. If her feelings for Adrien had been interfering with her decisions, perhaps now that she had that knowledge and she had accepted that they couldn’t be together she would focus more on her duties and be the Guardian that Master Fu was so confident she would be.

[thedeviltohisangel]

You Say It Softly//9//Drifting Closer

Jim runs into some ghosts from his past.

Smut Warning

more of these two at the link in my bio!

send me any thoughts about these two and ideas for future parts!

special thanks to @and-shes-not-even-pretty for her help on crafting the plot of this part

Leah was gently roused from sleep by the sound of the front door opening and closing, William’s infectious giggling echoing off the walls. She smiled. This was her favorite way to wake up. Her three-year-old as her alarm clock. Following his laughter was Jim trying to shush him at the same time as he was chuckling himself. They must have just gotten back from their morning walk with the two balls of white fluff that had recently come into their lives. The vet had said they were a Samoyed mix but of what, she couldn’t tell. Every morning, Jim and William would wake up and take the dogs for a walk. Sometimes they stopped for a little treat from the cafe that was along the route like a chocolate croissant and then on the weekends, they would stop at the food trucks along the beach and grab breakfast. The sound of foil rustling in the kitchen made her stomach grumble and she figured she should grace them with her presence.

“Did my little loves get breakfast all ready for me this morning?”

“Mommy!” William’s little feet carried him over to her quickly, jumping up and down in front of her as a signal that he wanted to be picked up. She did so, his arms wrapping around her neck and squeezing her tightly against him on impact. “Got you a ‘rito.” Leah chuckled at his pronunciation of the breakfast burrito she enjoyed so much from one of the food trucks.

“Why thank you, little prince.” He squirmed his way down from her hip, grasping her hand and leading her to the kitchen table where Jim was filling a sippy cup with apple juice and two mugs with coffee.

“Papa, I got her!” Jim looked up with a smile. It felt good to be happy. Having Leah in his life had always felt like a blessing he didn’t deserve but now adding William to the mix made him over the moon.

“Good morning, Papa,” she whispered as Jim pressed his lips gently against hers.

“Morning, Sugar.” Leah hummed with happiness as she let her hands drift around his waist and down to his butt where she took a generous squeeze. “Someone is in a good mood this morning.”

“I’m just so freaking excited for my burrito!” She pumped her fist into the air before sliding into the corner booth where William was already sitting and happily munching on some breakfast potatoes. “How were the doggies this morning?”

“Ollie pooped a lot,” William said as though it had been the most exhausting feature of his little life thus far.

“Our little prince picked it all up though,” Jim added. Leah motioned towards her chin to signal to him that he had egg yolk dripping off his.

“Daddy showed me how!” When Jim and William had come home with the two dogs in the middle of the night, Leah had been adamantly against keeping them. Maybe when William was older they could get a dog. She was certainly not ready to bring in two dirty, wet abandoned puppies for more than the time it took to get them cleaned and to the shelter. Not one to normally disagree with his wife, Jim put up a full court press to keep the puppies. He showed Leah how their son had already bonded with them and to lose them would break his heart. He explained how it would help make him a better person to have something to take care of. Something to have responsibility for. When one of them, now named Nana after the dog in Peter Pan, climbed into her lap and tucked itself onto her shoulder and promptly fell asleep, she acquiesced. But only with the condition that Jim and William handled the things that came out of the dog. Leah wanted nothing to do with it. And, so far, the two of them had been handling it swimmingly.

“That’s good, my love. The doggies love you so much,” she replied as she gently stroked his soft, brown curls.

“I love them too!” After all the talk of the dogs, William asked if he could go play with them. He ate his apple slices in record timing before slipping down the booth and under the table to go and see what they were up to in the living room.

“How did we get blessed with the sweetest little baby boy in the entire world?” Leah was peering over the top of the booth to see William doing a puzzle while resting his head on Ollie’s tummy.

“Cause he’s half sugar,” Jim teased as he closed the distance between them, pulling down the top of her robe so he could press kisses to her shoulder.

“You’re a little extra lovey today.” He had gotten a little handsy under the covers with her that morning before William had awoken and was ready to walk the dogs and get breakfast.

“Been feeling extra grateful for you lately.” The ebb and flow of Jim’s mood was natural, as it would be for any human being, but they tended to hit higher highs and lower lows than the average person. A few weeks ago had been a low for Jim. There were still days when he woke up and his mind tried to play tricks on him. Tell him that he would need a substance in order to get through. Therapy helped. Having Leah and William there helped. Even having the dogs was helping. Jim knew there was no cure for his addiction. Only management.

“I’m so proud of you, Jimmy.” Everyday. Leah tried to slip in how proud she was of her husband. He fought hard to be the husband and father that he was today. And he was damn good at both.

“Couldn’t be half the man I am today, Sugar, without you and our little prince.” She blushed and smiled as she always did when Jim offered her a compliment before cupping his cheek and leaning in for a kiss.

“He’s also half you, Sprinkles. The half of you is what makes him run down the beach butt naked. Your DNA makes him incapable of eating dessert without smearing it all over his cheeks.”

“That’s…” Jim struggled to find an argument against her point, “true.”

“If you want me to make that sweet potato hash tonight then we have to make a grocery store trip,” Leah said around a biteful of her breakfast.

“We?” Jim was shocked. Leah hated the grocery store more than anything. She loved baking and cooking but dreaded making the trip for the ingredients.

“Yes, we. I was home late like every night this past week. Today and tomorrow are family days.” He knew that she had been shouldering some guilt. A pediatrician at the local hospital was on maternity leave and Leah had been asked if she could cover some of her shift. It had meant missing bathtime and bedtime for a few nights. “I feel awful you’ve been having to do it all alone. I feel awful that William said he missed me the other night.” Jim hadn’t meant for that remark to hurt her feelings. He thought she would find it sweet that their son missed her.

“You’re helping other parents have more time with their bubs. Saving them and making them feel better. Me and William will always be here waiting for you. And maybe in the next year or so...another little one can be?” Jim thinks he had stronger baby fever than his wife. Nothing made him happier than being a dad. William started preschool soon and Jim was preemptively missing his presence around the house.

“I think another little one could make an appearance soon,” she whispered back as he dropped his forehead to hers.

“You gonna make a baby with me, Sugar?” The smile on his face was so wide it hurt. The days of Jim feeling inadequate and incapable were fewer and further between.

“Well, I do make beautiful babies and I have no other options currently for someone else to make them with…” Jim dug his fingers into her side for a tickle punishment. Her laughter echoed around the kitchen, William running in to see what all the commotion was about.

“Tickle monster?”

“He’ll get you too!” Jim roared as he moved to reach his son.

“No, Daddy! I have to-” William’s warning went unheeded as Jim’s fingers nestled into the perfect tickle spot. But he wasn’t laughing. Leah watched on in horror as her son’s eyes widened and then a dark spot bloomed on his blue shorts.

“Jim! Stop!” She pushed him aside, grabbing William under his arms and sprinted to the bathroom as fast as she could. He was now sobbing in her arms.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” William had been a natural at potty training. He was so excited for preschool and he knew that he needed to use the potty before he could go. This was a minor setback and it devastated him.

“It’s ok, bubba. Even Mommy pees a little when the tickle monster comes.” It was true. Who didn’t leak a bit in the throws of laughter? “How about we get in the shower and get all clean?” He nodded and sniffled in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. William was embarrassed. So badly he wanted to be a big boy for his mama and papa. Leah helped him get all cleaned up and wrapped in his hooded fish towel.

“Daddy! Special delivery!” he called with a smile. It was something they always did after bathtime. Whichever parent hadn’t bathed him, he would call to come and pick him up and whisk him to his room to put on clothes. Jim came in from where he was cleaning up the kitchen from the mess that had been made and quickly lifted his little bundle of love.

“Daddy is so sorry, little man. He should have been a better listener.”

“I love you, Daddy.” He pressed his little forehead to Jim’s neck, snuggling down as a way to accept his apology and express his love. Leah fell back onto the bathroom floor with a sigh as the two disappeared up the stairs to put on a different outfit for the day.

“Being a mother is exhausting.”

----

They listened to “Baby Shark” on repeat for the entire ride to the grocery store. William had a stuffed shark that Medina had given him not long after he was born and he said it was Sharky’s favorite song so they had to listen to it. Leah and Jim sang and danced the whole ride, Leah watching William move Sharky’s fins in time with the beat through her mirror.

“That song might be the death of me,” Jim mumbled under his breath as they got out of the car.

“I know. But it makes him so happy.” Long gone were the days of her and Jim sharing earbuds so he could play her a new indie song or sitting on the beach with his speakers and softly making out to The Neighbourhood. Now they were singing the Paw Patrol theme song.

“Can Sharky come?” William asked as Jim lifted him out of the car.

“Of course, buddy, just make sure he doesn’t let go of your hand.” Jim didn’t want to think about what would happen if Sharky got lost during the trip. They made their way over to the line of carts, William begging to use the one that looked like a car.

“Let me wipe it down first.” Leah reached into her bag and pulled out her emergency stash of Clorox wipes and meticulously cleaned the car. William looked up at his father with eyes that said she’s crazy. Jim just shrugged. “Okay. Disinfected and ready for a driver.” William slid in happily and then poked his head out to look at his father.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, pumpkin?”

“Buckle!” William had been trained to always ask for his seatbelt and to make sure he was always secure in any vehicle. Jim smiled, dropping to one knee and pretending to buckle in his boy. “Sharky too!” Jim leaned over and buckled in the stuffed shark.

“Ok now we are safe and ready to drive.”

----

Jim pushed while Leah had her arms looped through his. She was in charge of crossing things off the list as he put them into the cart. William was steering the car calmly at the end of each aisle, silently honking if someone was in front of him and making a ‘vroom vroom’ sound on occasion.

“Let’s see, all we have left is munchkin’s cereal, brown sugar and butter.”

“Baking aisle comes first so let’s-”

“Mommy? Daddy?” The cart paused as they both went around to the little car and peered inside. “I have to go potty.” Eager to never repeat the incident from this morning, Jim quickly scooped William and Sharky into his arms.

“Grab the cereal on your way back!” Leah called after them. She laughed at the image of her husband speed walking through the grocery store with her son and his stuffed shark. She meandered through the baking aisle, throwing in a bag of chocolate chips to munch on later, before making her way to the refrigerated section.

“Leah?” She looked in horror at the source of her name.

“Heather! Hi! How are you?” Maybe one of the last human beings she ever wanted to see again in her life. Jim’s ex. The girl who always blamed Leah for her life being ruined after their breakup. The girl who kept Jim at all those parties that almost killed him.

“I’m fine. Were all the normal carts taken out front?” She was pointing at the car attachment.

“No, my son-”

“Son? You have children?”

“Just one. You?”

“Not yet. We are trying though.” She flashed her hand so Leah could clearly see the two rings that sat on her finger. Leah looked down at her own hand and realized her rings weren’t on. She must have forgotten to put them back on after the impromptu shower that morning. “Not married?” Heather wore a smirk on her face. Like she had won.

“Actually I am. Just not wearing my rings right now.” Her hope was that she could end this conversation and run away before Jim found them. She didn’t know what seeing Heather would do to him and she didn’t want to find out.

“Did the whole doctor thing end up working out for you?”

“Yes-”

“Tossed Jim aside to be a doctor, right? That’s what I heard.” That caused Leah to take a visible step back from Heather. It was one thing to seem snide over her lack of rings but it was an entirely different beast to bring Jim into this. To imply that Leah had thrown him out with the trash after his overdose in order to pursue a material interest. Her heartbeat quickened and her fingers began to twitch at her sides with the urge to attack and protect. Jim was the man she loved. Would love forever. The man who had given her William, the most precious gift in the world.

“Whoever told you that was extremely mistaken.” Leah gripped the handle of the cart with white knuckles in the hopes it would stop her from lashing out any further. As soon as she made the move to leave the conversation, she heard Jim’s voice.

“Little man wanted the one with Spider-Man on the box, which are honey nut, but he promised me he would eat them.” William and Sharky were on his hip, Jim setting them down once he saw who was with his wife.

“Heather.” He looked as though he had seen a ghost. In a way, he had. She was a relic of his past. A past he had happily buried as soon as he left that rehab facility all those years ago. A past he hadn’t thought of since he had reunited in Stanford with Leah. It had been buried under the love he had for her and his son. The love he had for the potential of their future together.

“Hi, Jim. It’s so good to see you.” Leah wanted to throw up as Heather put on the fakest smile known to man and embraced Jim in a hug. “You’re even more handsome than I remember.” As if he was sensing the tension, William instinctively gripped Sharky a little closer and moved to hug his mother’s leg.

“Yeah you look...you look like you’re doing well.” Jim felt a cold sweat breaking out on the back of his neck.

“I am, thank you, but I guess not as well as you two.” There was venom in her voice as she said it. Like she had lost all hope upon seeing that the two of them were still together.

“We’re happy,” Leah replied stoically, her hand resting protectively on top of William’s head.

“And who are you?” Heather crouched down to be at the same level of the little boy.

“I’m William...and this is Sharky.” He held out the stuffed toy, offering her his fin to shake. Fortunately for her, she shook the shark’s hand and introduced herself to Sharky as if he was as human as the rest of them. Leah might have slight her throat by the butter if she had disrespected her son and his imagination in any way.

“We better get going,” Jim murmured as he urged William back into the car, “he normally naps soon and-”

“Of course. Hopefully I see you around again. It’s nice to see you’re doing so well...both of you.” Her expression had softened a bit. Heather couldn’t deny that the way Jim and Leah looked at each other was the stuff of fairytales. And William was the cutest little boy she had ever seen. Perhaps they were meant to be together.

“You okay?” Leah asked once Heather was out of ear shot. She wrapped her arms around Jim’s waist as he turned to face her, his hands lightly cupping her cheeks.

“I have you. I have William. There is nothing I miss about what she represents.”

“I love you so much, Sprinkles,” Leah whispered as she pecked his lips gently. Their little bubble was broken as Sharky came tumbling out the side of the car. Jim bent down and looked to see William asleep at the wheel. He chuckled and waved Leah over before taking out his phone to snap a cute picture.

“Guess we should head home.”

----

William was sound asleep on Jim’s shoulder as Leah pushed the cart out of the store to head back to the car.

“Daddy?” He looked down to see his little one blinking slowly as he was momentarily woken up.

“You can go back to sleep, munchie, Papa’s got you.”

“What’s that smell?” Jim sniffed his own nose at his son’s question, the smell of a cigarette registering quickly. He looked to the side to see where it was coming from and, for the second time that day, wished he had been anywhere else.

“Jim Mason. How crazy to see you here man.” It was Chad. He took one step towards the little family and then stumbled as if he had walked into a curb. Instinctively, Jim took a step back and put a protective arm in front of Leah.

“Leah, take William.”

“Jim-” The look in his eyes scared her. There was a flicker of the old Jim in it. She was worried that Chad was one step further into his past than Jim might be ready to handle.

“Go start the car. I’ll be right behind you.” He could tell that Chad was high or drunk or somewhere on the spectrum of both. First and foremost, he needed to protect his wife and son. Chad wouldn’t go anywhere near them. He wouldn’t let him threaten his happiness ever again.

“Damn. You’re still with Leah? Fucking wild.” Hearing her name come out of his mouth made him seethe. “Your son looks like you. Guess you can be sure she didn’t fuck someone else for him, am I right?” Jim clenched and unclenched his fists at his side. He ran through the quick mental exercises his therapist taught him when he felt his feelings boiling over into too much.

“Chad. If you ever see me, my wife or my son out in public ever again, do not speak to us. Do I make myself clear?” All that was returned to him was a blank stare. Jim felt haunted by the lack of life behind his eyes. How Chad looked like a dead man walking. He was struck by the idea that that had been him. He must have looked like Chad. Medina and Leah must have looked at him and seen that same hollow look on his face. It made him sick.

“Yeah, dude, I got it.”

“Chad? Jim? What’s going on?” He looked to see Heather exiting the store, her arms embracing Chad once she got close enough. It was as Chad’s ring caught Jim’s eye that he began to put the pieces together.

“You two are…” He thinks Heather looked ashamed for a brief moment. “Well, congratulations. I hope you’re happy.” Abruptly, Jim turned on his heels and tried to keep steady as he walked to join Leah and William in the car. The world was spinning ever so slightly but it was still dizzying.

“You okay?” she whispered. Leah had been sitting behind the wheel in case some sort of quick getaway was needed. William was sleeping peacefully in the back with his cheek resting against Sharky.

“Ready to go home,” he replied while his gaze stayed locked straight ahead. She could tell that the double encounter from his past had had an effect on him. Maybe more than either of them had ever been prepared for.

----

Jim carried a still sleeping William into the house, tucking him into bed before going to help Leah carry in the groceries and put them away in the kitchen.

“You got the rest of this? I think I need to make a phone call.” His knuckles were white around the circumference of his phone. Leah thinks he looked as though he was going to have a panic attack.

“Okay...okay...is everything okay? Are you okay?” She was gripping the new container of salt as tight as Jim was his phone.

“Just need a little reset, I think. Going to call Paul. See if he has a minute.” Dr. Paul Jackson was Jim’s therapist from back when he went to rehab after the night on the beach. Along the way he had become more than just a therapist to Jim. Had become a sort of father figure to him. A hybrid uncle and grandpa to William. Leah knew Paul would have more than a minute for Jim.

“Tell him I said hi,” she smiled softly. She kept the smile on her face until he was on the back porch with the door closed and then it dropped from her face. She couldn’t show that she was worried about him. That wouldn’t help anyone. But calling Paul meant that he was in need of some tough love and advice. That he had been shaken to his core enough to reach out for help. Leah decided to give him all the space he needed by heading upstairs to crack open a book.

----

She looked up as her husband walked into their room and set her book to the side. Jim collapsed onto his side of the bed and began to place kisses up her arm and across her collarbone and on the side of her neck.

“How was Paul?” she asked as her eyes closed with the bliss of Jim’s lips against her skin.

“Good. Said he misses William. Wants to get together for dinner soon.” He was methodically pressing kisses to every bit of her face, propping himself up over to get the right angle. If phase one of Jim bouncing back was a phone call with Dr. Paul, then phase two was trying to feel the love he and his wife shared in the most raw form possible. Leah reminded him that he was human. Allowed to have bad days and feel off and didn’t need to shoulder the burdens of the world on his own.

“Okay, we can plan that.” She moved upwards to make sure his lips landed home on her own and she took control of the kiss. “We don’t have much time. Little prince will be up soon.” William had a way of sensing when his parents were in bed together. His mind immediately went to snuggle time and there was nothing he loved more than snuggles.

“You’re right. Let’s get you naked.” Jim made quick work of Leah’s jeans and underwear, his own bottoms following suit. Since William had learned how to leave his room and open their door, they had taken to having sex half-clothed. Only when they were completely alone did all of it come off. Leah pumped Jim in her hand as they continued to kiss sloppily. She swallowed his moans hungrily and relished in the feeling of the tight grip he had on her hair.

“Gonna make you cum so fast,” she teased as she let go and went onto her knees, swinging one leg over his cock.

“Fuck, Sugar, you know what the sight of your ass does to me.” Reverse cowgirl was kryptonite for Jim Mason. The view of his wife’s perfect bottom bouncing on his cock, watching his length shine with each movement of her hips, set every nerve ending on fire for him. He was frozen with anticipatory bliss as he watched Leah guide his cock into her, the fit perfect and snug and the things epic poems were written about.

“Oh God you feel so good, Jimmy,” she gasped out as she began to move herself up and down. He rested both hands on her cheeks, squeezing and pulling them apart as she bounced on him. Teasingly, he pressed the pad of his thumb to her other entrance and gently massaged the area. He watched her shudder with a gleeful smirk on his face and her pace picked up at the added sensation.

“Fucking gorgeous. This beautiful ass is all mine.” Her head fell back her hair was cascading down, Jim sitting up and pulling it into a ponytail. He used his new leverage to expose her neck and began to suck hickies onto her skin the way he did when they were back in high school. “Going to cum so hard for you, Sugar.” Leah had known exactly what she was doing when she chose to ride him backwards. The first time they had ever done so, Jim had come within moments. He claimed the sight was too much for his mind, body and soul to handle. With the looming threat of William waking up down the hall, Leah had figured the quicker, the better.

“Fill me up with your cum...please,” she panted as she felt her own climax swelling within her. Jim thrusted up in time with her for the last view seconds and both of them stilled before falling forward slightly with desperate moans. He placed kisses to her back as she tried to catch her breath.

“Every time with you, Sugar, feels like the first time. I love you so goddamn much and I never want you to forget that.”

“Promise you I won’t,” she laughed as she fell backwards against his chest. The settled into a slow and lazy kiss when the door to their room was flung open.

“Mommy? Daddy? Snuggle without me?” William looked like he had just suffered the worst betrayal as he stood in their doorway with Sharky and his blanket. Leah opened her mouth to respond but couldn’t find the words. She could still feel Jim’s cum dripping down her inner thigh and she didn’t know how to get off of him and attend to her son without somehow scarring him for life.

“Baby, why don’t you go grab another blanket for mommy to snuggle under with you?” Jim said as he held Leah still. Any movement of her hips at this moment would surely coax a reaction out of him.

“Okay!” William happy ran off to the linen closet down the hall to grab their fluffy snuggle blanket.

“Move quickly!” Jim ordered as their toddler disappeared. Leah lifted herself off of him, running to the bathroom to pee and wipe herself down, Jim taking the washcloth after her and pulling back on his boxers.

“Daddy, I need help!” William called. He was grunting as he struggled to climb onto his parents bed.

“I’ll be there in one second buddy!”

“Hey,” Leah whispered as Jim made a step towards the door, “I love you.” The craziness of their life would never dampen the connection she felt to her husband. There was no one else on this planet she would rather be on this crazy ride with.

“I’m in love with you,” Jim whispered back as he placed the softest of kisses on her lips.

“Daddy!”

“Okay, okay,” Jim muttered as he went to the wiggling little boy and helped him up onto the bed.

“Yay!” William clapped as he fell back against the pillow and spread out two blankets on himself. “Mommy!” He made grabby hands in her direction as she joined them in bed.

“I love you so much, my little prince,” she said as she held him tight against her and placed quick kisses to the top of his head.

“Love you, Mama.” Jim rolled over so he was facing the two loves of his life, resting his hand on top of Leah’s and smiling widely. Everything felt right. His world was at peace.

----

“James Philip Mason!” Jim looked up from the slime he was making with William in horror at the tone his wife was using to call him from the upstairs.

“Uh oh, Daddy,” William said as he added more glitter to the concoction. William may be young but he was wise. He knew his father was in some sort of trouble.

“Keep mixing until I come back, okay?” He waited for William’s nod before he bounded up the stairs to see what he had done wrong. He took the stairs two at a time and found Leah standing in the bathroom with her hands on her hips.

“You remember when we talked a few days ago about having another baby?”

“Yeah?” His first thought was that she was going to backtrack on her decision now. Jim would be upset but he would understand. It was her body and her choice. He’d wait as long as it took for her to be ready. Even if she never wanted another kid, he’d be happy. He’d be okay.

“I know we said in a little bit…” she pulled something out from behind her back, “but how does nine months feel?” Jim was frozen for only a minute before he surged forward and wrapped his arms around her waist and spun her around.

“You make me so fucking happy. Nine months sounds perfect.”

“Mason, part of four, sounds perfect.” He nodded in agreement.

“Welcome to the tribe, little peanut.”

Tags:

@avesatanormalpeoplescareme @aveiangdon @ticklish-leafy-plant

@and-shes-not-even-pretty @langdonslove

[septic84]

The stranger who loved me.

Writing a book about our lives as Dan and Phil the YouTubers was surreal. I wasn’t sure how we pulled that off let alone the tour we were about to start. The Amazing Book Is Not On Fire sparked The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire and we were about to go on stage to perform our first show. Everything was going smoothly until it wasn’t. I saw Phil stumble, try to regain composure, then fall off of the stage.

   A03

“Oh shit,” my voice echoed over the microphone, I reached down to switch it off, waiting to see Phil come back up the stairs. When he didn’t, I hurried down to him.  

“Phil, are you okay?” I said approaching him. The crowd was whispering and talking hushed. Phil didn’t respond. “Phil?” When I looked down at him, he laid still, there was a pool of blood under his head. “Oh my God!” By this time our security team had already started to section off the area as the medical staff was making their way towards us. I leaned down and switched off Phil’s mic. “Hey, hang in there okay? Help is coming.” He didn’t move.  An announcement was made to the theater that there was an emergency and for everyone to stay seated. I heard people crying in the audience, I couldn’t blame them, I was almost in tears myself.  I knew when Phil was well again, he would feel really bad about making so many people so upset due to his clumsiness. He had finally managed to hurt himself badly due to his constant tripping over his own feet.    

When we got to hospital, a member of the security team was allowed to go with him and wait outside the door, I, however, was asked to stay in the waiting room. Nervously my knee bounced up and down as I wrung my hands and stared at my feet, I really wanted to be with Phil.  Not knowing what was going on was killing me.  It seemed like days had passed when A doctor came out to give us information.  

“Philip Lester?” I stood up and walked to the doctor.  

“Relation?”  

“He’s my,” I paused, “Best friend and flatmate. We were in the middle of our stage show when he fell.”  

He nodded, “Okay, come with me.” The doctor started to rattle off information too quickly for me to keep up. Several medical terms later I had sussed out that he had broken his nose, had swelling on his brain and was in a coma. “He is stable right now; we have a specialist coming in the morning to review his charts,”  

“Okay,” I said as we entered the room. Phil was hooked up to several machines and an IV. His head was wrapped in gauze, his eyes were both black from bruising.    

“I’ll leave you for now,” The doctor gave a sympathetic smile and left.    

I sat next to his bed, “Oh Phil,” I choked. I could hear the beeping of the monitors and machinery as I laid my head down on the bed, not able to contain it anymore, tears slid down my face. I was so scared, Phil looked too fragile and helpless. What was worse is I knew I couldn’t do anything for him. Not at all.    

I must have dozed off as I was startled awake by a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Martyn smiling down at me, sadly. “Hi,”    

“Hey. I would have let you sleep, but they say the specialist should be here soon,”    

I nodded, “How long have you been here?”    

He shrugged, “Few hours,”    

“I can’t believe he is laying here literally because he fell off of the stage. “  

Martyn chuckled humorlessly, “Leave it to Phil,”  

“The swelling is already going down,” the specialist said after she had his head scanned again.  “He should wake up in the next few days, granted he keeps making progress like this.” She looked at Martyn, then me, “It’s good news, boys.” She smiled, nodded and walked out.  

Three days later Phil woke up. I was making my way back to him from the bathroom when I heard him groan in pain and saw his eyes flutter open.  

“Hi there, Phily,” I said softly. He turned and looked at me, his face held the look of utter confusion, I laughed. “You fell off the stage, you absolute mess.”  

“I was on a stage?”  

“TATINOF?”  

“What?”  

I shook my head, “It’s okay Phil, take your time.  I will properly drag you and we can talk about all that when you are feeling better,” I smiled at him.  

“Well, that’s nice I guess,” he paused, “but I have no idea who you are.”  

“Haha, very funny,”  

“I wasn’t being funny,”    

“What?” I swallowed hard, “You don’t know who I am?”  

“No, am I supposed to?”  

I felt as though I was about to faint, “Yes!” I squeaked.  

“Mr. Lester, I see you are awake,” the nurse walked into the room. “How are you feeling?”  

“Sore, my head, and face really hurt,”  

“I’m sure,”  

“He can’t remember!” I blurted out, panicking.  

“Oh, “She said, what’s the last thing you remember?”  

“Being at uni.” I audibly gasped.    

“Let me go get the doctor,” she smiled as she left.  

Luckily, Martyn came in at the same time.  

“Martyn? Oh my god, I’m glad you’re here!” Phil’s face relaxed, but he was side-eyeing me.  

He laughed, “Why are you looking at Dan like that?”  

“He doesn’t remember who I am,” I said, sadly.  

Martyn’s face fell, “What? How is that possible?”  

“How am I supposed to know? I have no idea what's even happening,” Phil said.  

“Sorry,” I muttered.  The doctor came in and examined him, she ordered a series of brain scans to try to figure out Phil’s memory loss.  

“Phil, do you know what year it is?” she asked.  

“Well, no, but judging by how old Martyn looks I am assuming I am not in Uni anymore.”  

“Hey!” Martyn said.  

“You don’t remember why you’re here?”  

“No, I don’t even know where “here” is.  

“And you don’t remember Dan, at all?”  

“No,”  

This was a nightmare, I stepped out of the room and sat on a bench in the hall. I wasn’t sure what to do. After a few minutes the doctor came out, “He could remember everything eventually,” She clasped my shoulder. “Don’t give up.” I nodded.  

I overheard Martyn talking to Phil, “Dan. As in Danisnotonfire.”  

“I have no idea what that means?”  

“YouTube?”  

“Martyn, the last YouTube video I remember making is after I returned from Busch Gardens in America,”  

“Oh my god, when was that? So that means you don’t remember him like, at all?”  

“I take it Dan is important?”  

“Ah, yeah. He’s become like family to us.”  

“Us us, or like you and our parents?”  

“Phil, Dan is your flatmate,”  

“Oh,”  

“And your best friend.”  

“Oh,”  

“At least that’s what you tell people.”  

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  

I knocked on the door, “Excuse the interruption, I just thought I’d let you know I am going to get a hotel room,” I doubted Phil wanted me to sleep by his bedside anymore. “I’ll see you, I guess.”  

“Dan,” Martyn started, I waved him off  

“I’m really glad you are awake Phil,” I smiled, nodded and walked out. He had no idea who I was, the video he was referencing was before he even tweeted at me. I was a stranger to him. He didn’t know about the legacy we had built with YouTube, BBC radio 1, TABINOF or TATINOF. What the hell was I going to tell the internet?  A member of our security team took me to a hotel, they had agreed to stay around until Phil was released, just for precautionary measures. I had a set of Phil’s contacts in their pot in my pocket, his phone and I knew that his pillow and things from the dressing room were in the car.    

“Ready?”  

“Yeah,”  

Once I was checked in, I kicked off my shoes, took off my skinny jeans I had been squeezed into for days now, leaving me in my pants. My shirt came off next, grabbing Phil’s pillow I crawled into the bed. I inhaled Phil’s scent and fell asleep, crying into it.  

I woke up to my phone ringing. It had only been two hours, it was Martyn.  

“Hello?”    

“What hotel are you at?”  

“Why?”  

“Because I am coming over.”  

I groaned getting up to open the door when he had arrived.  

“You didn’t have to leave, Dan.”  

“He has no idea who I am, why would he want me there? If I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t want me there.” He said nothing, “See, exactly.”  

“What are you going to do about the tour?”  

“I have already emailed everyone to cancel it.”  

“You decided this on your own?”  

“Well, it isn’t like Phil cares, is it?”  

“He would if he knew.”  

“I know that but he doesn't, he can’t remember me, let alone our stage show.” I flopped down on the bed. “As far as the rest of it goes, what the fuck am I supposed to do?”  

“I’m not sure,”  

“Same. Do I pretend to be Phil? Tweet that he was hurt, but keep it vague? Do I tweet as me? Do we just ignore it? I know Phil wouldn’t want us to ignore it, at least not the one who knows and loves his fans, but,”  

“Dan, it doesn’t have to be figured out right now, you know, that right?”  

“I suppose you’re right.”  

“I want to ask how you are, but I’m sure I know. You overheard us.”  

“Yeah.” I swallowed. “I, just. He’s my best friend, he’s my only friend. He doesn’t know who I am.”  

“Still sticking with the “friend” label, huh?”  

I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. “He is also my business partner,”  

“I suppose you could let your manager and team handle it, but you would know what Phil would want, better than anyone. I won’t pressure you, but it has to be addressed.”  

“I know,” I looked up at him, “What if he never remembers me, Martyn?”  

“We can’t think like that,”  

“I can and I am. Look, I get it, but you will always have a place in his life. He knows who you are. What’s going to happen when they release him? Is he coming back to our flat? Will he go to yours? Your mums? Why would he want to live with me?”  

“Deep breaths,”  

“How did this happen? How is this fair, to anyone? This is like a terrible movie of the week.”  

“He hasn’t said much after I told him who you are, he just keeps repeating the same timeline he referenced before. In Uni.”  

“Our story doesn’t exist, Youtube Dan and Phil don’t exist.”  

“Not right now, they don’t. He has another brain scan tomorrow, they will be determining a treatment course, if he can go home or leave, I guess.”  

“Where are you staying tonight?”    

“I think I’ll stay at the hospital. The idea of him being alone really bothers me.” I felt the guilt stabbing in my gut. “I’m heading back then, so I’ll see you tomorrow?”  

“You think I should come back?”  

“Of course, you should Dan. Scans at 10:00.”  

“Okay,”  

“Try to stay positive, yeah? See you in the morning.”  

“Sure, see you.”  

Even though I was exhausted, I wasn’t able to sleep.  I was so damned scared that my life was over.  I was nothing without Phil, everyone knew that, and I was not the exception. If Phil didn’t remember me ever again, I had no idea what I was going to do.  I tried to resist a trip down memory lane, but that only lasted so long. As I panicked, I loaded a PINOF playlist, set an alarm and closed my eyes, listening to us laugh.  

My alarm went off and I pulled myself out of bed as the memories flooded through my mind. I showered, drank the disgusting hotel room coffee and brushed my teeth before I left for the hospital. I had no idea if Phil would even want me there, but I still went. I knocked on the frame of the door.  

“Hey, Dan,” Martyn greeted.  

“Hi,” I said, meeting Phil’s gaze.  

“Your hair is really curly today,” He said.  

I blushed; I had forgotten to straighten it, “Ah, yeah,”  

“Come sit, Dan.” Martyn motioned to the chair.  

I sat, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable that I was constantly shifting in the silence.  

“Well, this sucks,” Phil said casually, smiling. I laughed. “Is this as weird for you as it is for me?”    

“I can’t be sure, but it’s pretty fucking weird.”    

“Yeah, apparently we have known each other for years.”  

“Oh Phil,” We were interrupted by his mum, she had finally made it here. I wondered when she would arrive.  

“Hi, mum, this is Dan,”  

“Silly boy, I know who Dan is,” she turned to me and kissed the top of my head. “Hello, darling. How are you holding up?”  

“Fine,” I whispered. One of her fingers twisted in one of my curls as if to make a point, though she didn’t say anything else.  

“The doc will be here in a while to take him for another scan, we will know more then.”  

“He doesn’t remember Dan at all?”  

“He doesn’t remember a lot of things, not just me,” I said softly.  

“Oh, Dan,” She murmured  

“You know, I am right here; I was the one who got hurt, like actually. He didn't.”  

“If you remembered you wouldn’t be taking that tone with me, mister.”  

“Well, I don’t okay? It’s not like anyone is telling me much anyway.”  

“We don’t want to make it worse, Phil.” Martyn said, “The doctors haven't told us what we should and shouldn’t do yet.”  

The doctor came in before anyone else could say anything, “Ready for your scan?” Phil looked scared so without thinking I took his hand in mine. He jumped and I released it. “I’m sorry,” I muttered. I got up and walked out of the room so they could take him to his scan.  I watched in the hall as they wheeled him away for his procedure. Kath was suddenly pulling me into a hug.  

“Hey there, my strong lad,” she soothed “You’re okay.” I clung to her; I needed this comfort.  

“I just don’t understand how he doesn’t remember. What am I supposed to do? I mean he’s my best friend.”  

“Oh, we are still going with that are we?” Kath huffed. I pulled back and looked into her eyes, blushing. “He’s also your business partner,” She grabbed his shoulders, “Have you decided what you are going to do?”  

“I canceled the tour, other than that, I’m not sure what to do. Phil doesn’t remember anything since 2008,” I took a deep breath, “That means YouTube, BBC, the gaming channel, the book or the tour.”  

“Let’s see what the doctor says, we can work on it from there.”  

“I suppose you could call me; I doubt he wants me here.”  

“Well, I want you here. And I am hungry, let’s take Martyn and get some lunch, shall we?”  

“This is really a family matter, isn’t it?”  

“Daniel, you are family and you know it. Stop it.  Come.”    

The doctor explained that Phil’s brain was healing, but the amnesia was an unfortunate side effect. It was diagnosed as selective amnesia, which I thought was a stupid name, but as Phil remembered his mum, his brother, and his childhood, this seemed to be the best fit. The doctor couldn’t give us a time frame or confirmation that the last 7 years of his life would even return to him.  He was to rest, but also try to trigger his memories slowly.   They warned not to do too much too fast, but “they” remained hopeful that this would work. I wasn’t so sure.  They advised me to put things away that would cause him to ask too many questions,  and slowly reintroduce them.  

“We will be able to release you tomorrow,” she said, leaving the room.  

I took a deep breath, chewing on my lip.  

“Well, “Kath said, “We’ll get you back to London, back to your things and your bed.”  

“I live in London?”  

“Yes, you do.”  

“You live with me, “I said softly.  

“Oh,”  

“You’ve lived with Dan for several years,” Kath said, patting his shoulder. “If we want your memory to return, that is the best place for you.”  

Phil looked scared, I hated that. “Phil, you can stay with your mum or Martyn for a while, if it would make you more comfortable,” relief crossed his face.  

“Nonsense, all of his memories are in and at your flat. “  

“Mum,” Phil said.  

“This is what’s best for you, Philip. You need to go back to London.”  

“Look how scared he is,” I squeaked, “How could it be best for him?”  

Returning to my hotel room, I sighed. Kath was not going to acquiesce my offer for Phil to stay with one of them for a while.  Tomorrow afternoon Phil and I would be back in our flat, alone. He had no idea who I was other than what people had told him.  I was headed back to our apartment shortly, to put away anything that was us.  I would put it all in the gaming room, I would have to buy and install a lock to keep him out. It was overwhelming, as I packed up my things, (and Phil’s) I forced myself not to cry.  It was not the time. It was shortly after three am and I had finally gotten the flat cleaned up to an acceptable level. Martyn and Kath would be dropping Phil off in the morning, I made sure his coffee mug and coffee were set out for him. The photos of us that were kept on the wall we never showed on any platform, all of our awards, plaques, and art that hinted to who we were, was now all locked away. Anything at all that made us, us.  I looked around at how empty the flat was, it mirrored how I felt. Making sure the gaming room was securely locked, I hid the key in my room, which also was now bare.  I was in my pants, laying numbly on my bed. This was going to be the hardest thing I have ever done; I wasn’t sure I was strong enough. It wasn’t like I had a choice.    

I woke up to keys in the lock, Phil’s voice then Kath’s. “Wow, this is a nice flat.”   “Yes, you and Dan have a nice place here,”  

I pulled some clothes on and walked out to greet them, yawning.  

“Sorry,” I muttered.  

“It’s okay, Dan,” Martyn said.    

“I’ll show you to your room,” I said, forcing the kindest smile I could muster.  

“Right, thanks.”   What he didn’t know is his room was actually our room, it had been for years now. I swallowed hard.  

“Here we are,”  

“Okay, thanks.” He walked in, looking around. “At least this looks the same,” He said, motioning to his duvet. I laughed softly.  I missed him so much, I just wanted to hug him.  After explaining to him where everything was, I excused myself.  

“I’ll let you get settled, then.” I went back to the lounge.    

“You can do this, Dan.” Kath pulled me into another hug.  

“Can I?”  

“Of course,” she lowered her voice “When you love someone, you would be surprised what you can do.”  

I didn’t even refute it, I just pulled back and nodded.    

“We’re off now, I will be staying in London for a time, just to make sure he gets settled.” she turned towards his room “Phil, we’re leaving.”  

Phil came out and hugged his mum. “I know you’re scared, it’s okay. I promise you; you are safe here. I wouldn’t leave if that were not the case.” He hugged Martyn next.  

“Dan really cares about you Phil, you’re fine.” He reassured.  

“Bye,” He said, his voice was timid and it made my heart clench.  

After they had left, we stood awkwardly. “Ah, I have things out for you to make your coffee if you’d like.” I motioned to the kitchen  

“Yeah, okay.”  

“If you need me, I’ll be in my room, which is the one just down the hall from yours.”  

“Thanks,”  

I didn’t know what the fuck I was supposed to be doing, I just wanted to be around him. I knew he must be feeling really strange too.  For the most part, he spent the day in his room, I hoped he had been resting, but I couldn’t be sure. After the pizzas I had ordered arrived, I knocked on his door.  

“Ah, yeah?”  

“I ordered us Pizza, I’m hungry, I figured you would be too.”  

He opened the door, “Yeah, I am, thanks.”  

“Did you want to eat with me or?”  

“Yeah, sure.”  

We were set up in the lounge, I wasn’t sure what we should watch, what would be too much or too confusing, so I put Buffy on. He smiled.  

“I love Buffy.”  

I smiled at him, “I know,” I remained quiet for most of it until Phil had sauce dripping off of his chin and I absent-mindedly grabbed a napkin and wiped it off. His face was still black and blue, I sucked in a breath. Then I caught his eyes, they were wide and uncomfortable.  

“Oh, god. I’m sorry.” I said quickly snatching my hand back.  

“It’s okay,” He said. “I take it we are close, but I just don’t know that.”  

“I know, I know.” I looked down  

“Your hair is cute curly, you know.” He said, eyes still on the screen.  

“Ugh, I hate it. I look like a hobbit.”  

He laughed out loud. “I see why we are friends, you’re funny.”    

“Yeah, yeah.”  

“So,” He turned towards me,  “We have lived together for years?”  

“Yes,”  

“How did we meet?”  

Was I supposed to tell him this soon? “Um,”  

“I mean, I don’t know do I?”  

“I’m worried to push you,”  

“Well, the whole reason I am here is so that I can remember you, isn’t it?”  

“Yeah, yeah it is. We met because of your Youtube channel.”  

“Really?”  

“Yes, really.”  

“Wow, that’s so cool.” He smirked.  

“Yeah, I Tweeted at you, a lot. I liked Muse, you liked Muse.  

“Do you watch my videos?”  

“Yes,” I smiled, “and then we met.”  

“Wow, when was that?”  

“2009.”  

He gasped, “Sorry, I keep forgetting it’s 2015.”  

“I’m sure this is hard for you.”  

“Yeah, I guess I graduated huh?”  

“You did,”  

“Good.” He yawned, “When am I allowed to go on the internet again?”  

“Oh,” I took a deep breath, “Let’s just give that some time. There is so much shit, now Phil.  I want you to be feeling better before you open that Pandora’s box.”  

“Is it that bad?” He said softly,  

“Some parts are, most are not. Are you tired?”  

“Yeah, I suppose I am.”  

“Okay, time for bed then,”  

“Dan?”  

“Yeah?”  

“I know this must be hard for you too,”  

“I’m okay, Phily, don’t worry about me.”  

“Phily?”  

“Yeah, ah, sorry.” I blushed.  

“Well, goodnight then,”    

“Goodnight.”  

In the coming days, Phil had asked a few common questions, but nothing too in-depth.  I was struggling and found myself face down in the hallway.  I literally did this all the time but Phil, of course, didn't know.     “Oh!”  He just happened upon me having a lie down on the floor, “Are you alright? Should I call someone?"    

I scoffed. "I'm fine this is a thing I do."  

"Why?"  

" That's the million-dollar question.”  

"Should I do something?"    

"Nope."    

"Okay then." Phil had discovered my existential crisis hallway, he probably thought I was insane. I took a deep breath and continued my spiral.  

“Dan?”  

“Ugh,” I groaned.  

“I don't mean to pry, but you've been laying on the floor for 3 hours, at least since the last time we spoke.” He crouched next to me, “I feel like I should do something,”  

I smirked, “Yeah this is how you were when it first started too.”    

“Well, that makes sense, since we're friends, right?”  

“Yeah, right.” We stayed in silence for a while, he eventually sat leaning his back against the wall, wrapping his arms around his knees.  

“You may not remember, “I chuckled, “but you sure act like the Phil I know.”  

“Does this happen a lot?”  

“More than it should, I suppose.” I sat up, “thanks for sitting with me.”    

He smiled, “I want you to tell me more about our life, I want to remember you.”  

“I'm not sure I can right now,”  

“Why does it seem like there's something really bad that's happened?”  

“There is a lot of things Phil, a lot.”  

“Why won't you just tell me, why is there a locked room upstairs?”  

“Because,” I stood up to leave, “I want you to remember and not just learn about it. I doubt you'd forgive me a second time.”  I walked into my room and shut the door, but he followed me.  I heard through the door “We're friends, of course, I will!”  

But we weren't just friends and that was the problem. Did I have it in me to show him that video? The one that everyone now refers to as the” v-day video.”  I was so mad when it posted, he was so embarrassed. There was so much backlash from that alone, but there was more.  What about the “I like vagina” posts, or all the “no, I'm not gay” posts?  Then there was the whole  "no homo Howell 2012," that whole year was a cluster fuck.  

“Well can you at least show me what shops I go to?  I need toothpaste.”  

I open the door and stepped out, “Yeah okay, we typically just order from Tesco. We don't go outside much, I mean we were going to, but then you fell.” I ordered a car.  

“Oh, sorry.”  

I smiled. “It's okay Phil, you didn't intend on this happening.”  

“You said I fell off the stage, why was I on a stage?”  

“Ah, don't you need toothpaste? Let's go.”    

“You can't put me off forever, you know, that right?”  

 “I know,” I noticed he was in a t-shirt, “I have your coat in my room, hang on, “  

He cocked his eyebrow when I returned.  “We share clothes?”  

I handed it to him.   “Yeah, sometimes We do.”  I guided him towards the door we got to the car    

“Wow, I can't believe I live in London. That's truly mental, why did we move here?”  

“For work mostly, we lived in Manchester before.”  

"We did?”  

“Yes, we did. I went to Uni there for a while. I know what you're doing, by the way.”  I was so tired of not talking to Phil, of feeling so alone, that I answered his questions. I got lost in thought and my leg was pressed into his. I realize the comfort it brought me, it seemed to do the same for Phil.    

“We're really touchy-feely friends, aren't we?”  

I blushed and laughed, “We are. Does it bother you?”  

“No, not really.”  

“Okay, good.”  

We had made it through Tesco fairly easily, thankfully not running into anyone we knew or any of our followers.  We were at the checkout and Phil looked exhausted, his face looked sickly as the dark purple bruises were now fading into browns and yellows.  

“Are you okay?”  

“Starting to get a headache,”  

“We're almost done.”  He seemed unsteady; I looked around and seeing no one was looking, I looped my arm around his waist. “Lean into me.”  

He snorted, “You clearly don't want to be touching me in public.”  

“You don't understand,”  

“Of course, I don't.”  He pushed my arm away. We didn't speak the entire way home; I wasn’t sure what to say. When we got home, I started to put groceries away in silence, I glanced at him. He looked miserable.  

“You should go lay down, I don't want you to get a migraine, you have that look on your face.”  

He sighed. “It's so frustrating that you know so much about me and I can't remember anything about you.”  

“I'm sorry, Phil,” He shook his head and walked away. There wasn’t much I could do to help that.  I missed him so much, the him that would allow me to be close to him at the right times, the one who understood why we needed to be careful of who saw us in public. I missed Dan and Phil, both professionally and personally. I missed my old life.  

I knew It was risky, but I snuck up to the gaming room. I needed to feel connected to my Phil to be able to help this Phil. I looked through our photos, our book, and his Twitter.  I even watched the “V-day” video. I needed to hear him say I love you. I haven't watched it since the accidental uploading, it was too painful.  But, now in the dark, with all things Dan and Phil surrounding me, I was glad I had it.  I watched it twice wiping my eyes,  I took a deep breath; it was time to pull myself together.  Standing up, I looked around the room one last time,  turned out the lights then shut and locked the door.  I met Phil at the bottom of the stairs.  

“Hey, are you feeling better?”  

“I guess so, I'm so bored." His eyes drifted up the stairs, “Are you okay?”  

I smiled at him, “Yes. We can play Sonic?”  

He looked at me suspiciously, but said, “Yeah, okay, thanks.”  Some time into the game, we were laughing and had made our way closer to each other on the sofa, our legs touched like they always did. When it was my turn, I noticed he was watching my face more than the game, I smirked.  

“You know I can see you staring at me, yeah?”  

“Ah,” he stammered, “sorry.”  

“Do I have something on my face?”  

“No, it's just,”  

“Just what?”  

“Nothing, never mind,” I pause the game setting the controller down.    

“What?”  

“It feels like we are or have been more than friends in the past,”  

I swallowed hard, “what?”  

“Oh,” he said, “I guess that means I’m not crazy?" I nodded in silence. “Why does everyone think we're just best friends then?”  

“It's complicated,”  

“My family even calls us best friends, why are we “best friends” if we are or were more?”  

I sighed, “More than one reason, mostly because of me.”  

Phil took a deep breath, “Are you embarrassed of me?” He looked down at his hands  

“No, no not at all Phil. It's nothing like that. Why would you think that?”  

“Well, look at you, then look at me.”  

“It has nothing to do with that, Phil. And that’s ridiculous.”  

“Wait, you’re not out yet, are you?”  

“No” I whispered “I’m not even sure what I am,”  

“When did we start being more than friends?”  

“2009.”  

He looked back up to my face. “Are we still more than friends now?”  

“We were, before, the accident I mean.  We didn't label anything and we didn't tell anyone. Something, well several things actually, happened. Things were really bad for a while, it almost destroyed us. Since then we are more than friends in private, but not in public.”  

“So, we didn't tell anyone, meaning I had to be closeted again?” I tightly pursed my lips. “Wow, I was so ashamed of myself.  I mean I struggled from 12-18 to come out,”  

My eyes became glossy. “I know, you're the first “out” person I’d met.”  

Phil looked around the flat, “you've hidden anything that may have hinted that we were together, haven't you?”  

“Yeah, I wasn't sure what to do. The doctors said it would be best.”  

“That’s what’s in the locked room?”  

“Yes, it is also our office.”  

“We work together, I know that, what do we do?”  

“Phil, now that you know, about us I mean,” I paused. “I think it’s time to know the rest,” I got up and got my laptop. Maybe this was too much too fast, but I couldn't dodge the questions any longer.  “If you remembered, you’d know how awful this is,” I pulled up “Hello Internet” and paused it before it could start.  

“Oh my god, you’ve always been cute,”  

“Shh, now, I won’t stay for this, I hate it.”  

“So, you’re a Youtuber too?”  

“Yes, I’ll be back in a few,” I came back after I knew enough time had passed.  “You were the “really good friends,”    

“Okay,”  

I loaded up PINOF, “Watch this playlist, come find me when you are done,” I pressed play and left the room, hearing my younger version of myself say “Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?” I went up to the gaming room, grabbed the copy of TABINOF, when to my room and laid down. I wasn’t sure how this was going to go. I was trying to take deep breaths to stave off the panic, in the process, I fell asleep.  

When I opened my eyes, it was dark. “Shit.” I walked out to Phil, he wasn't in the lounge, I knew where he was. I realized that I probably hadn’t locked the gaming room and that's where he would be. I found him, staring at a picture of us in Japan, me kissing his cheek.  

“Hey,”  

“You're cute when you sleep, you know.  Do you honestly think people believe we're just friends?  I mean I don't remember and I can tell how much you love me when you look at me in videos.”  

“What have you seen?”  

“All of PINOF, Day in the life, some Sims and the Halloween baking video. The way you look at me, people know, believe me. If you think otherwise, you're just fooling yourself.  Then I Googled, I saw Dailybooth, Formspring, then I made it up here the door was open. We have created a universe that is solely ours, haven't we?"  

"We have,"  

"I saw the "VDay" video, I had to after all the things I read. It wasn't a joke, was it?"  

"No, it wasn't. It was really a valentine. It was also a very dark time in our history, I said some very stupid things."  

"Yeah, I saw. Dan, are you afraid of your sexuality?"  

"I don't even know what my sexuality is, Phil." I looked him in the eyes, "What I do know is that we work."  

"You love me though, right?"  

"More than you know, you saved my life."  

"The stage I fell off of, that was our tour, right?"  

I nodded handing him the book, "First performance,"  

He thumbed through the book, "wow, we are very successful." He stood up and walked towards me. "This must be really hard for you,"  

I snorted out a laugh, "well, it's not been easy, but I'm kinda attached to you if you couldn't tell."  

"Yeah, I've gathered," he took my hands in his, "I know somewhere in here," he pointed at his head, "The Phil that knows you, misses you, very much."  

I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face, "I miss him so much,"  

"Please don't cry," he cradled my face with one of his hands, I leaned into his touch. "Dan, I know this may be weird, but can I kiss you?"  

I leaned forward and my lips met his. It was a strange sensation, my lips knew his lips, but the hesitation wasn't something I was used too. I wrapped my arm around him and he started to kiss me harder. I pulled back and rested my head on his shoulder.  

"I promise you, Dan. I will remember. I am so lucky that you love me,"  

"I've always been confused about why you stayed with me, after everything,"  

"Have you met you?"  

"That's my point."  

"Dan, I can't remember feeling what I did before, but I know already why I've stayed with you."  

"It's really a brain fuck, being this close to you and missing you at the same time."  

He nodded, "I'm pretty overwhelmed right now, I think I'll go to bed. This has been a lot."  

"Okay, Phil, get some rest, I would hate for you to get worse," he nodded and started down the stairs.    

Now that he knew everything, I didn't have to lock the gaming room anymore. He knew we were in love; that we were more than friends, he knew we were Dan and Phil, the iconic YouTuber Duo, and he knew that we also actually were best friends as well.  I realized how tired I was, this had been a lot for me too. I wondered what questions he would have for me after he processed all the videos, all the Google searches, and that kiss. As much as I missed Phil, this was the most progress we had made since the start of this whole ordeal. Smiling to myself, I finally had hope.  

I woke up to Phil groaning loudly. "Shit," I got up and walked to his room, his door was open. "Hey, are you okay?"  

"Dan, can you bring me coffee? I really don't want to get up." His arm was a crossed his face.    

"Do you have a headache?"  

"No, not really. Something feels off. My nose hurts."  

"I'm sorry, I'll be right back with some coffee."  

He moved his arm and looked at me suspiciously, "Really?"  

"Yeah, but don't do that again, okay?  You woke me up and I thought you needed my help."    

"Well, I do! Plus, you know If you make it, I won't steal your Shreddies."  

I scoffed, "Yeah, yeah. You and your cereal stealing," I had made it halfway to the kitchen before it dawned on me. "Oh my god," I ran back to his room.    

"What's wrong?"    

"Phil?" I asked tentatively.    

"What is it?" He had sat up.  

"You remember me?"    

"What's gotten into you? Of course, I," suddenly Phil froze, "Dan? Why are we at home? What happened? What about TATINOF?"  

I jumped on the bed pulling him into a quick hug and forceful kiss.    

"You remember."    

"Oh my God, I fell off the stage, didn't I?"    

"Yes, you nutter, you've caused quite the drama,"  

"What happened?"  

"You fell, broke your nose, cracked your head open. You couldn't remember me, us, YouTube, I mean at all Phil."  

"Really?" I nodded, "Are people mad?"    

"I've no idea, I haven't been online at all for a few weeks."  

"Weeks? It's been weeks?  I fell off a stage and had to be taken by ambulance to hospital and you haven't said anything to them? Oh my God, Dan."    

"I'm sorry, okay. I was dealing with my own shit, yeah? It felt like a lifetime to me, I had to explain everything to you, Phil, I mean everything. Us, the “vday” video, YouTube, all of it. I had to relive all that shit, so forgive me for being distracted. "  

He leaned over and kissed me and said, "I'm sure that must have sucked."    

"Yeah, it was difficult." I rubbed the back of my neck, "He, well you, I guess, asked me why we weren't, like why we were "just best friends."  

"Oh," he took my hand, "it's okay Dan,"  

"But it's not, not really. You pointed out that I had forced you back into the closet because I can't figure out my shit."    

"Did I say it like that?"    

"No, but you weren't pleased."  

"Dan, I don't care about that, you know that right?"  

"How could you not?"  

"I love you, Dan. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you. In the earlier years, after all of that stuff, I knew you weren't ready. I accepted it then."  

"Phil, that,"  

He continued, "I also accepted that you may never be ready, but having to act like you were only my "best friend" in front of people never bothered me. Okay, maybe a little, at first, but Dan, you are my best friend. You also are a person I get to hold and kiss and share my dreams with. No memory me didn't know everything when he made that comment, he didn't know how important privacy is to us, or what would happen even if you were ready to be out. He didn't have the whole story. I would never force you to come out for me, I don't have a right to. You come out when you're ready, it's no one else's business. Do it when you are ready."  

"I love you, Phil Lester "  

"I love you too, I'm sorry I forgot you, us, everything."  

“I'm just glad you remember now,"  

"Can we still do the rest of the tour?"  

"Ah, maybe, I canceled it."    

"What? Why?"    

"Phil, you thought it was 2008."  

"Oh, wow. I don't anymore though, I want to continue."  

"Do you think we should?"  

"Of course, we wrote a book and were going to tour it, I had an accident but I remember now, there’s no reason not to."    

"I'll call everyone later,"    

"Good. So, about that coffee?"  

“Get coffee yourself, you spoon, and stay out of my Shreddies.”   

Bingo Card:

Amnesia

TABINOF

Vday Video

[bellaelisabeth95]

Finding Us Chapter 1

A/N: Soooo I’m about to get a new laptop and I found this old story I wrote a whole bunch of chapters for years ago but never posted. Given what I spied last week about the Perfectionists through social media, I figured why not post it? This is a mostly canon story starting at 3x05 with the exception that Alison is really dead. Because honestly that was always the way I thought it should have been, even when I wrote this years ago and the ship wars hadn’t gotten out of hand. Rated M eventually. I found 10 chapters for this. Here’s the first one, and I’ll post more if you all are interested. I still don’t own pretty little liars (thankfully lol). Hope you enjoy!

  “You’ve been in a mean mood all day, Emily,” Hanna Marin complained as she, Spencer Hastings, Aria Montgomery, and Emily Field sat at their table in the cafeteria. Emily shot her friend a nasty look, even though she knew it was true. But she couldn’t help it. She had been trying to move on from Maya’s death, and yesterday she had finally gotten up the courage to ask Paige McCullers to see the Katy Perry movie with her. She had Paige had an……. Interesting history, and she had always felt like things between them were unfinished. She had never been happy with the way she had left them, yelling at Paige because she wasn’t ready to come out. How unfair had that been? She had been afraid to tell her own parents, and Paige’s parents were far more…… traditional than hers. She felt ashamed every time she thought about it, and she had always been meaning to set things right. Now felt like a better time than ever, and if it turned into something more, she thought she might finally be ready for that. Only there was one problem. Jenna Marshall was having her fake “I got my eyesight back” party at the Brew, and her boss was forcing her to work it. At the same time she and Paige were supposed to be going to their movie.   “Shut up, Hanna.”   “No, she’s right,” Spencer agreed. “What’s wrong?”   Emily huffed. She wasn’t sure she wanted to tell her friends. She knew Spencer hated Paige, and she didn’t feel like her friends dumping all over her right now.   “Jenna’s stupid party,” she started, and Aria snorted.   “I’m going. Just cause of Laurel Tuckman.”   “Well, my boss is making me work it. And I was supposed to go to a movie with Paige and I feel like a total loser bailing.”   “Paige?” Spencer shouted as Aria and Hanna gaped at her. “Like, crazy Paige? Who tried to drown you?”   “Will you lower your voice?” she snapped. The last thing she needed was for Paige to hear that. “She never tried to drown me. Stop blowing what happened out of proportion because you have your own issues with her.”   “Yeah, because she’s-.”   “Spencer, stop,” Aria cut in, and Emily looked at her gratefully. Aria always was the peacekeeper. “You’re not being fair. You know she wasn’t trying to drown anyone. Maybe if we got to know Paige, we’d like her. Emily’s disappointed about this and it doesn’t help to make her feel worse.”   “Thank you, Aria,” Emily replied, shooting a nasty look at Spencer. Spencer looked down.   “She’s right. I’m sorry.”   “Anyway, continue,” Hanna replied. “That’s why you’re cranky?”   “Yes! I always hated the way I left things. I always thought there was potential with us, and I…… I’m ready to move on. But she’s so….. Timid? She would barely look at me when I asked her the other day.”   “That’s weird,” Aria replied. “She’s obviously still so into you. She always has been.”   “She probably thinks I hate her,” Emily sighed. “I’ve been not so great to her.”   “I think that makes you two even,” Spencer sniffed. Hanna and Aria looked at her. “What?”   “Anyway,” Aria started. “I’m sure Paige will understand. I’m sure she was invited to Jenna’s party, too. Maybe she can come keep you company.”   “Yeah, that’s romantic.”   “Look, Em, she’ll understand,” Hanna told her. “Offer a rain check. Make it clear that you’re still interested.”   “Yes,” Aria agreed. “Make sure she knows you’re not just flaking.”   “Yeah, okay,” Emily agreed, sighing. “I’ll tell her after school.”   She glanced at Spencer, who was pretending to be very busy with the sandwich she was eating. If she did start dating Paige, what would happen between them? Would Spencer grow to like her? Or would the two of them drift apart?

*****

  To her relief, Paige was very understanding about the whole thing. Or, at least, she seemed to be. Emily took her friends’ advice and made it clear to Paige that she did still want to see her. When Paige came over after school, she even called the theater to ask if they could use the tickets next week instead. Luckily, they said yes.   “I’m so sorry,” Emily told her. “It’s so embarrassing that I made these plans with you and then I had to bail.”   “Em, it’s okay,” Paige replied, smiling. She looked so cautious, surely waiting for Emily to change her mind. Emily felt bad about that, but she didn’t blame her. She saw Paige in a different light than Spencer did. Spencer saw Paige as some horribly aggressive outcast. Maybe she was aggressive sometimes, but Emily knew there were other reasons for that. She saw Paige as an awkward girl still coming to terms with her sexuality. Someone who just wanted to be liked. “It will be just as fun next week.”   They looked at each other for a moment. Then Paige looked away.   “Anyway, I’ll still get to see you,” she continued. “I was kind of surprised Jenna invited me. We’ve never been friends, but…… I don’t know, I’m really happy for her.”   Emily bit her lip. Paige had no idea.   “I’m going to check the closet for another tie,” she sighed as she threw the clip on one onto her bed. “This isn’t working. Can you look in the drawer?”   “Sure,” Paige replied, seemingly glad to have something to do. Emily froze when she pulled the flask out, an excited look on her face. “What’s this?”   “Uh……..” The last time she had drank from that flask, nothing good had happened. “Take it. I don’t want it.”   “Cool,” Paige replied, looking at it with glee in her eyes. Emily bit back a chuckle. She figured it was probably pretty hard for a deacon’s daughter to sneak alcohol into the house.   “Listen, Paige…… I just want you to know that I really do want to spend time with you. I don’t want you to think……”   “I don’t,” Paige replied, but Emily knew she saw relief in her eyes. “I promise.”

*****

  Paige was feeling pretty good when she got back to her house. She hid the flask in her room and sat on the bed with her history book open, even though she was just thinking about Emily. She believed that Emily really wanted to give her another chance. And she would NOT screw it up this time. She promised herself that.   It seemed too good to be true that Emily Fields was giving her a second chance. How many nights had she cried over how badly she had messed things up last time? Emily noticing her at all had always been a distant dream, and she never stopped beating herself up for letting her slip away. She still felt guilty for trying to kiss her that one night, especially after Maya had turned up dead. And then there was that other night, when Emily had kissed her.   But did she even remember? At first Paige had thought she was ignoring her, but she realized Emily really didn’t remember. Especially because now she was making such an effort to reconcile. Maybe subconsciously, the night Emily had shown up at her house, she had wanted her. Or maybe that was too much to hope for.   She squirmed with guilt when she thought about that night right before school had started. She didn’t think Emily remembered showing up at her house and kissing her. She must have been that drunk. Paige didn’t know if she should tell her. Emily might hate her for it. But was it right to keep it a secret?   She didn’t know what to do. A year ago, she had never even dreamed of telling anyone her secret. But  Emily had been too irresistible. And losing her had encouraged Paige to come out to her parents so it would never happen again. Now she once again had a chance with her dream girl.   “Don’t mess it up this time,” she muttered to herself.

*****

  The party was a disaster, Emily thought as she looked out into the darkened room in dismay. The party was as boring as she thought it would be. Jenna irritated the crap out of her. Nate wouldn’t leave her alone. And she suspected that had Paige pissed off. She seemed mad that she had gone to talk to Nate, when really, Emily just wanted to ask what the hell he was doing there. She found it strange that Jenna would invite him. But then again, none of them understood anything Jenna did. All she knew was everything was going exactly the way she didn’t want. She didn’t even have Aria to talk to, because she was running around doing her own secret thing that she hadn’t shared.   She hadn’t realized Paige had been drinking until she was standing next to Jenna, watching her jab her finger into a cupcake, lick it, and then jab it back in. Suddenly her angry behavior all night made a lot more sense.   “What is she doing?” Jenna asked angrily as they strode towards her. “What are you doing?”   “Looking for a coconut,” Paige replied, licking more frosting off her fingers. Emily stared at her in shock. “These vanilla ones are gross.”   “Stop it!”   “I’m not gonna stop til I find a coconut,” she replied indignantly. “These cupcakes taste like old pennies.”   “Can I get you some coffee?” Emily cut in. Paige glowered at her.   “Really? Finally, you have time for me?” she asked, her words slurred. Emily was surprised that her talking to Nate made her that jealous. Did it make Paige think she was hung up on Maya? That wasn’t it, but Paige was in no state for her to explain that. “Fine. Let’s dance.”   “I can’t dance. I’m working,” she replied. The look on Paige’s face told her that was the wrong thing for her to say.   “Fine. I’ll dance by myself.”   Emily watched helplessly as Paige twirled away from her, still sucking on her fingers. But then she tripped- just over her own feet since she was obviously wasted- and crashed to the ground, taking some statue with her. Emily was at her side in an instant, frantically asking if she was okay. Paige groaned in response, holding a bloody gash on her head. Suddenly Nate was there too, and Emily wanted to snap at him to just get lost, but she was too worried about Paige. So she let him help her up and lead her outside, glad that he could at least drive them to the hospital so she could sit with Paige in the backseat.

*****

  Paige wanted to thank Emily for being so nice to her as they rode to the hospital, but she was too tired and dazed to say anything. She felt so weird, and her head really hurt. She didn’t remember feeling like this the last time she had been drunk. She hadn’t even had that much tonight. Just a little from the flask she had brought with her. Why did she feel so awful?   She had surely done it this time. She wondered how she always managed to squander a great opportunity like this. Maybe it was in her DNA.   “We’re almost there, Paige,” Emily told her gently. “You’ll be okay.”   She closed her eyes as her stomach churned. She wanted to go home and get into bed.   “Em…..”   “Shhh,” she whispered. “We’re here. I’ll help you out.”   The sudden movement of getting out of the car sent an uncontrollable wave of nausea over her, and she vomited onto the sidewalk. Even with how bad she felt, she was mortified. Yeah, Emily would definitely be done with her now.   “That’s okay,” Emily told her. “Come on, they can give you something for your head.”   They went into the emergency room, where she was brought to a cubicle right away. She half wanted her mom, and half knew her dad would kill her when he found out. None of that would be worse than the fact that she had messed things up again with Emily.

*****

  Emily laid awake almost half the night, thinking about the fact that she had accidentally drugged Paige. That she had been drugged herself the night she had dug up Ali’s grave. Someone had done that on purpose. A, she was sure.   She jumped as her phone rang. Spencer. She debated not answering, because she was sure Hanna had gone running right to her after their conversation earlier. But against her better judgment, she did.   “Hello?”   “Emily. I heard about what happened before.”   “And?” she asked coldly.   “I’m not going to say anything mean. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Hanna told me about the drugs.”   “Yeah. A, I guess. I had no idea. And then I gave the flask to Paige, and…….”   “Is she okay?”   “Yeah. But when she finds out that the drugs were in my flask, she’ll probably think I drugged her.”   “She would never think that.”   “What do I tell her? I can’t tell her the truth.”   “No, I guess not. Maybe she won’t figure it out.”   “I don’t think that’s likely,” Emily replied sadly. “I made an attempt to move on, and I don’t think it’s going to work.”  

*****

Things with Paige were somehow even more awkward than they had been before Emily had asked her to the Katy Perry movie. They had talked a little in the hallway, but not much more than that. Emily was sure Paige was avoiding her. Who could blame her? Surely by now she had figured out where the drugs had come from. Did she think that Emily had done it on purpose? She guessed she couldn’t blame her if she did.   After talking a little with Nate (was he ever going to leave? Maybe it was just her paranoia, but she thought he cared a little too much for a cousin), she went to Paige’s house to talk to her before school. She found Paige in her backyard next to her pool, working on her bike. She didn’t look up even with Emily standing right there until she cleared her throat loudly.   “Em. Hi.”   “How are you feeling?”   “I felt bad for a while, but I’m better now,” she replied, standing up.   “I think we need to talk,” she started.   “No. We don’t,” Paige replied, sounding almost desperate.   “How about after school?” Emily asked/   “I can’t today.”   “Tomorrow then,” Emily replied firmly. She needed Paige to listen to her. Paige looked like she was debating in her head, and then sighed.   “Okay.”   “Good,” Emily replied, relieved. There was nothing else to say, so she left Paige there, feeling only slightly better. Sometimes it felt like the universe didn’t want them to work out.   “Where were you?” Hanna asked when she finally showed up to Aria’s locker with just five minutes to spare before homeroom.   “I got a late start,” she replied. “Didn’t hear my alarm.”   “Well, you missed half of my story about Caleb,” Hanna replied irritably, and the annoyance on Spencer’s face showcased how she felt perfectly.   “Sorry, Hanna. Aria can fill me in,” she replied, and Aria glared at her. Emily gave her an apologetic look.   “Well, anyway……”   Emily zoned out, not hearing a word she said. She had her own problems. Paige. A. Nate. Getting into Maya’s website. That was the only time she was interested in hearing Caleb’s name right now, as selfish as that sounded. She just desperately needed some stability in her life.   At lunch she tried to find Paige, but she didn’t see her. She tried not to feel too hurt that Paige was obviously avoiding her. Maybe, if she could explain, everything would be okay.

*****

  Her talk with Emily had gone exactly the way she had expected. Paige was crying by the time she got back to her house, glad that she was alone to just let her guilt and shame consume her. Emily had gone with her on a run, where of course, they had ended up talking about the flask. Paige had realized it had been the only way she could have been drugged. She had also known that it couldn’t have been Emily’s doing. She didn’t know who was responsible, but whoever it was had been trying to hurt Emily.   She had admitted the kiss to Emily. Which she felt even worse about now, since Emily had been drugged that night. She hadn’t been able to read Emily’s emotions. Disgust? Regret? Confusion? Paige hadn’t been surprised when she had walked away, and she wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to speak to her again. Why had she kissed her back that night? She knew something wasn’t right. She hadn’t in her wildest dreams imagined Emily was drugged, but she knew she wasn’t sober. It hadn’t been right to kiss her.   She sat on the chair by her pool, her head in her hands. She was too sad to move. Too disgusted with herself. She would just have to move on.   She couldn’t contain her surprise when later that night Emily came back. Paige looked at her, terrified of what she was going to say, as a gentle night breeze blew around them.   “I’m sorry,” she offered helplessly. The look on Emily’s face was surprisingly kind as she launched into a speech about that night, surely one that would end with her telling Paige she never wanted to see her again. But that wasn’t where it was going, and Paige was sure she was hearing wrong when Emily told her:   “I was looking for someone. And I came here.”   Paige looked down, embarrassed and overcome with relief. Emily didn’t hate her.   “Don’t look away,” Emily told her as she cupped her cheek, and when Paige looked back at her, they kissed. It was a glorious kiss, the most passionate, meaningful one they had ever shared. She never wanted it to end, and she lost track of how long they stood by the pool with their lips connected.   “Em….. are you sure?” she finally asked, and she screamed at herself internally, Don’t doubt, you moron!   “Of course I’m sure,” Emily replied, smiling as they gazed at each other. ���I always felt like we weren’t finished. I’m sorry for how I left things. I was unfair to you, shaming you for not coming out when you weren’t ready.”   “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-.”   “Let’s stop apologizing,” Emily cut in, still smiling. “This is a fresh start.”   “Okay,” Paige agreed. “Hey. Wanna swim?”   “Yes!” Emily exclaimed, and Paige could only stare for a minute, enchanted by her beauty. Emily Fields wanted to be her girlfriend. “This isn’t a dream, Paige. I’m here. I want you.”   She didn’t know what to say to that. She still couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that even after all her screw ups, Emily wanted her.   Not long after they were swimming in Paige’s pool, practically naked, stopping every few feet to kiss. Paige didn’t think she could ever get tired of feeling Emily’s lips on hers.   “I’m getting cold,” Emily told her after a while, and Paige realized her teeth were chattering. It was cold; she had just been too distracted to notice it.   “Oh, Em…… I’m sorry. Let’s get out.”   They were shivering violently all the way up to Paige’s house as the cool night breeze hit their wet bodies Paige was nervous having Emily in her house while her parents were away, but she knew tonight wouldn’t be the night. She knew, without them saying anything, that they would take it slower than that. As badly as Paige wanted Emily, she had never been with someone intimately before, and she still needed some time to get used to the idea that Emily wanted her.   As she looked at Emily, she didn’t think that she could be happier.

[fymoanstax]

Tell Me You Need Me

60. And 91. With wonho! Something angsty if you could! Love your writing!

This was extremely crappy and not angsty because I’m not good at angst. If the requester doesn’t like it please feel free to message me and I’ll try again! 

-Admin Ponyo 

“Are you going to talk to me?” There were no visible emotions on your face as you sat on the opposite end of the table from your husband. There were no words to be exchanged between the two of you anymore. Actions spoke louder than words and Wonho had been doing all the talking for months on end behind your back. You refused to speak another word to him. Instead you slowly slid the stack of papers in front of you across the table to him. The bold, italicised words written at the top of the first sheet made it all too real for Wonho.

Complaint for Divorce  

“So this is how it’s going to end? You’re not even going to let me explain myself? You’re walking out on our marriage. We love each other Y/N. I love you and I know you love me.” You wanted to scream and cry and hit him all at the same time. He was right though, you did love him and you always would. If you didn’t love him you wouldn’t have married him in the first place. God why did you have to think about it now. You remember your wedding day like it was yesterday.

“Are you ready, baby?” You turn away from the mirror to face your father with a nervous smile on your face.

“Do I look okay dad?” There are tears forming in your father’s eyes as you twirl slowly letting him get a full look at your dress. It nearly cost him an arm and a leg but seeing you so happy made it worth every penny. You were sporting a floor-length ball gown with a sweetheart neckline. The bodice was decorated with small diamonds that were scattered all over. It was a simple dress but it nearly made you cry on the spot when you tried it on and you knew it was the one. Your veil was short, attached to a small headpiece in the shape of a tiara. You weren’t going to tell anyone but under your dress you were wearing a pair of converse because you didn’t want to risk tripping while walking down the aisle. For the entire month before the wedding you went makeup free to avoid breaking out or dry skin on your big day. Only today did you opt for a natural make up look which was barely even noticeable. Everything looked perfect.

“There’s only one bride I’ve ever seen in my life that compares to how beautiful you look right now and that was your mother.” Kind of like she knew you were talking about her your mother waltzed into the room wiping away a few tears.

“I can’t believe my little girl is all grown up and marrying the love of her life. He better treat you right otherwise I’ll put him in his place just like I did with your father.” You always wanted to experience true love like your parents but you always thought something like that was unattainable. Until you met Wonho. He swept you off your feet in less than a week. You met in a movie theater that was completely empty except for the two of you. It was a horror movie that had been in theaters for a while now so it wasn’t very popular anymore and you just so happened to have reserved two seats right next to each other.

You were too embarrassed to admit it but you were scared. It was only when a jump scare happened and Wonho jumped, spilling his entire tub of popcorn in the process, that you finally spoke up. The two of you decided to leave halfway through the movie and get some dinner instead. It all seemed to move quickly from there. One date turned into multiple dates. Official titles of boyfriend and girlfriend came soon after. He ended up meeting your parents. You dated for 3 years before he popped the question and wedding planning took you a year. Now here you were, arm linked with your father as he walked you down the aisle to the man of your dreams.

Your hands were sweating as your father handed you off to Wonho but thankfully his palms were equally as sweaty as yours. It seemed like everyone that looked at you today was on the verge of tears. Wonho mouthed how stunning you looked and you couldn’t help but blush and return the compliment by whispering that he looked absolutely dashing in his all black suit. You were so happy that day. So sure that your marriage would last forever and that it was you and Wonho against the world until death do you part.

But now you were here waiting for the man that you fell in love with even more every time you looked at him to sign divorce papers. Wonho didn’t even pick up the stack of papers. He wanted nothing to do with them. All he wanted was his family to remain where they belonged which was together in this house that they had made a home.

“Hoseok. You need to sign the papers so I can go. I told the babysitter I would only be gone for an hour and it’s already been 45 minutes.” Oh fuck how it hurt him to hear you call him by his actual name.

“Please don’t call me that. I’m Wonho. Your Wonho. Your husband. We can work through this. I’ll never do it again. Don’t do this to our family.” You scoffed right in front of him. You had done nothing but what was best for you and your child. He was the one that ruined it all and now he was trying to play the victim? Trying to guilt trip you? Not on your watch.

“I didn’t ruin anything. It was all you. You are the one that decided I wasn’t enough for you anymore! You made the decision to go and sleep with any woman that offered you sex on a silver platter. I was here raising our child and being a loyal wife. You’re right about one thing though. You’ll never do it again but only because I won’t give you the chance to. If you really cared about us you would sign the papers.”

Wonho skims over the first few pages in the pile, stopping to read whatever catches his eye. One part in particular stands out to him, something you secretly hoped he wouldn’t notice.

“Y/N...what does this say? Something about an u-unborn child. Are you pregnant? I-Is it mine?” Your first reaction is to wrap your arms around yourself protectively. Of course Wonho wouldn’t hurt you but any mention of your baby immediately had you in protection mode.

“Of course the baby is yours. I’m not you. I don’t sleep with other people while I’m married.” Wonho visibly recoils at the mention of his worst mistake.

“I’m not signing the papers. I’m gonna be here for you and for our little girl Sohee and for this baby. I want to be in my childrens lives and nobody, not even a judge in a courtroom, can take that away from me.”

“It’s all in the papers Wonho. We do joint custody I get weekdays and you can pick Sohee up from preschool on Friday and keep her the entire weekend. We switch off every year on holidays and long breaks. I’ll send you ultrasound pictures and you can be present at the birth. The baby will get your last name but that is it. That’s the best I can offer you. Take it or leave it.” Wonho is growing frustrated by the second. This isn’t how things are supposed to be. He’s supposed to be there for you and your children. He can’t stand the idea of not being there for major milestones.

Bringing Sohee home from the hospital was a dream come true. Wonho now had a family of his own and he would do everything in his power to make sure no harm ever came to either one of you. He thought back to the painstakingly slow 14 hours you were in labor. Hearing the cries of his little girl as she came into the world. You were somehow still beautiful and glowing after hours of pain and pushing. He was there for everything. The first bottle feeding, diaper change, bath, steps, and words. To know he wasn’t going to experience that with his second child was heartbreaking.

“Please think about what you’re doing Y/N. you’re taking two children away from their father. If you do this you’re no better than I am. You’re a bad mother.” Wonho regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth.

“Don’t you think I know that already? Don’t you think I asked myself what I could have done so wrong that you had to go out and have sex with other women? I had to think about it every night you didn’t come home. I was reminded of it whenever you walked through the door smelling like another woman.” Wonho approached you slowly. How badly he wanted to comfort you, hold you, and tell you how you were absolutely enough for him. You would never let him get that close to you again though. He broke your heart and you weren’t foolish enough to let it happen again.

“I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t mean it. I messed up. I slept with other women when I had the perfect one waiting for me at home. I’m so sorry I did this to you. I never meant fo this to happen. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m s-sorry.” By the end of his apology Wonho had tears streaming down his face and as much as it hurt you to see that you felt like he deserved to feel miserable just like all the times you felt the same way when he didn’t come home after work.

“You’re not sorry that it happened Hoseok. You’re just sorry you got caught.” It was true. If he had continued sleeping with other women behind your back for months who knows if it would’ve stopped if it weren’t for you catching him in the act. You had already had your suspicions so you told him you’d be spending a few days in a nearby city with your parents so that they could spend time with Sohee. Wonho had been taking on longer shifts at his job so he told you he would have to stay behind. You did take Sohee with your parents but you also headed home early by yourself. You hadn’t even walked 2 feet into your home when your suspicions were confirmed. The undeniable sound of a woman moaning Wonho’s name and your own husband praising how good she felt around him and how her body was perfectly made for him made your blood boil.

You marched your way right up to the bedroom you shared with your husband every night the first few years of your marriage. The bedroom right across the hall from where your child slept. Did he have no shame? Pleasuring another woman in the same bed where both of your children were conceived and where you shared countless nights of romance together. He was so lost in the pleasure that he didn’t even notice you in the doorway of the bedroom. It wasn’t until both him and the woman he was cheating on you with had come down from their sex induced high that he saw you there. Tears in your eyes and a hand over your mouth. You felt nauseated, maybe it was from your pregnancy or maybe it was the sight of your husband in bed with another woman. You weren’t going to stick around long enough to let him see you in an even more vulnerable and weak state than the one you were already in.

You left and you didn’t look back. You didn’t stop even when he started chasing after you or when he started calling out your name on the busy sidewalk. It was over for him the minute you walked in the door.

“I’ll sign the papers. If you really want me to do it I will. But I want to hear you say you love me.” You look up from the ground straight into Wonho’s eyes. Of course you loved him. He’s the father of your children. Your husband. The love of your life.

“Just one more time.” The look of pain and guilt reflected in his eyes nearly made you break down on the spot.  

“I-I love you so much.” Wonho signed the papers immediately. Let the waterworks begin. You couldn’t hold your tears back anymore. Your marriage was over. Your whole body was wracked by sobs and then but only then did Wonho envelop your entire body in an embrace. The warmth radiating off his body made you feel safe and protected but all you could think of was all the other women that had felt this same embrace.

“I knew what I was doing when I asked you to sign those papers but why does it f-feel so bad.” Would you ever forgive him for what he did? No. Did he deserve another chance? Maybe.

“I know it hurts right now but you’re strong and you’ll get through it for our kids. If you feel like you can’t do it anymore I’m always here. It’s you and me against the world remember? That’ll never change.” You nod your head slowly and wipe your tears away before stepping away from him. The pile of papers sit idly on the table until you grab them and head for the front door without another word. You have your hand on the door knob and you’re so close to just getting out of there. Don’t look back. Don’t look back. You’re weak. Your hand falls at your side and you turn around. There’s a glimmer of hope and so much love in Wonho’s eyes when you look back at him. It’s the same way he looked at you while you walked down the aisle to him.

“T-Tell me you need me.” Your grip on the divorce papers is so tight that the knuckles on both hands turn white.

A/N: Kind of an open end I guess,,,,,,,,,,,,Sorry it was bad.

[mitchmarnier]

say it right

summary: Working side by side with somebody for nine hours a day was bound to end in some sort of friendship. Eddie will continue to tell himself and anybody who asked this until he’s blue in the face. Because that’s all it is, and all it will ever be.

[or: Eddie and Richie work together in book cafe, and Richie is determined to turn Eddie into a coffee drinker by making him the perfect drink. And if Eddie happens to fall in love with him in the process, well then that’s just an added bonus.]

chapter count: 5/7

[1] [2] [3] [4] [Read Full Story on AO3]

Radio silence. That was the only way that Eddie could describe his current status with Richie.

It had been almost quarter to eight before Eddie had responded to the texts from Richie, the feeling of guilt in his gut and something much more painful in his chest completely overwhelming him.

To Richie Tozier @ 7:43: Richie I am so so sorry

To Richie Tozier @ 8:03: If you want we could go grab coffee or something and talk about this please

To Richie Tozier @ 8:09: I know I deserve to be ignored but please let me know that you’re okay Richie

Eddie had the next two days after his skipped date with Richie and he nearly wore a path in his living room flooring, and ignoring at least four phone calls and texts from Bill demanding to know how his date with Richie had gone. It made Eddie want to throw up, just the idea of talking to Bill and telling him what he’d done, how he’d hurt Richie. It broke Eddie down, wanting to walk down to the Brewstore and see Richie, corner him and try to talk to him or even just make sure he was okay but he everytime he got close to leaving his apartment, the burning anxiety of fear towards a fight with Richie had him running back to the safety of hiding under the blankets in bed.

Eddie almost called into work on Tuesday morning but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to afford that kind of behaviour. It seemed, of course, that he didn’t need to be afraid of anything when he caught sight of Ben opening the store. “Did I get the schedule messed up, are you supposed to open today?”

“No.” Ben said shortly, a simple, detached tone that was so different from the usual warmth in Ben Hanscom’s voice.  Eddie’s stomach churned and he fidgeted with the tips of his fingers. “I’m opening for Richie.”

Eddie swallowed harshly. “Is Richie… Where’s Richie?”

Ben shot Eddie a look over his shoulder that for most people would be expressionless, but in two months of working with Ben Hanscom… Eddie knew it was a dirty look. “He went home to visit his parents. His dad picked him up two days ago.”

“He’s… gone?” Eddie asked, his own voice barely coming out. An uncomfortable expression came over Ben’s face, almost as though he was contemplating something. He looked Eddie over once, twice, three times before sighing.

“He’s not gone gone. He’ll be back.” Ben said, tone not exactly friendly but quite a bit warmer than before. “He put in emergency vacation for the week. He still has school stuff anyway.”

Eddie nodded, and followed Ben into the building. He watched Ben move towards the coffee counter but reached out to grab him on a reflex. “Ben I… I know you know what I did. I just wanted to say…”

“I like you, Eddie,” Ben interrupted, shaking his head so slightly that he might not have even been aware that he was doing it. “I think you’re a good guy, I really do, but Richie is my best friend. We have been through so much shit together, for years. And you hurt him, Eddie. You hurt him so bad he went home to his parents. He hasn’t done that since…” A dark look came over Ben but Eddie could simply tell that it wasn’t directed at him. Ben cleared his throat. “I don’t think you meant to hurt him so badly and I don’t doubt that you had your reasons. But I don’t care about those reasons- I can’t care about those reasons. The only thing I have time to care about right now is Richie and making sure that Richie is okay.”  

Eddie swallowed hard and forced back the tears. “You’re a really great guy, Ben.”

Ben smiled softly. “You are, too, Eddie. And Richie will give you another chance, probably three or four of them if needed, when he’s ready. See to it that you only need one, or I won’t try to stop Bev from hurting you.” Eddie laughed, a sad and wet sound, and Ben’s smile dipped down in slight concern. “Stop looking like a kicked puppy when I’m trying to convince myself that you’re the bad guy. Please.”

“I can’t help it that I’m pathetic.” Eddie whined tearfully, wiping at his face frantically as the tears started to fall. “I’m just so pissed at myself for hurting Richie, I just… I just didn’t want anybody to get hurt so I thought it would be easier if we didn’t start dating at all but then I didn’t go and he got hurt and knowing I hurt him just hurts so fucking bad, you know? Because like Richie… he’s the like the first guy that I’ve really and I… and you said you didn’t want to know my reasons and here I am spilling them out to you anyway like a fucking idiot I’m so sorry I…” Eddie got caught off by Ben coming forward and wrapping Eddie up into his arms. Ben held him there for a long moment, slightly rocking them. Eddie let out a shaky laugh. “Has anybody ever told you that you give great hugs, Ben Hanscom?”

Ben laughed, too. “Richie, at least once a day. Bev, too, actually.” Eddie tucked his head deeper into Ben’s neck and he felt more than heard Ben sighing. “Alright, Eddie… I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt for like one second and you’re going to pretend that I didn’t.”

Eddie pulled away slightly, frowning at Ben. Ben glanced around, almost though making sure that there was nobody around despite the knowledge that it would be only Ben and Eddie working for at least the next three hours. “Richie will definitely be back by Saturday night because that’s when his group has to put on their play. Richie may not seem like somebody who takes this seriously-”

“I’ve never thought that,” Eddie interrupted on a reflex, and an odd expression came over Ben’s face.

“I just…” Ben ran fingers through his hair. “Richie takes his theatre stuff really really seriously. He’d never miss a show, and he’s really intense about this one. I thought Mike was going to beat him by the end of it, but I know it’s going to be amazing.”

“What are they doing?” Eddie asked, fighting off the urge to crack his knuckles.

“They have to adapt some sort of novel and make it a musical,” Ben said, a small smile coming over his face. “Bev put up a big fit about doing some Stephen King book, even though Mike told her a hundred times how hard it’ll be to re-create telekinesis on a stage. But anyway…” Ben shook his head, getting off track and knowing it. “We all have tickets and backstage access because all our friends are in the play and wrote it. And… because I’m giving you the stupid benefit of the doubt… you’re coming, too.”

Eddie’s eyes blew wide. “Wait, no, Ben, I really shouldn’t. Richie is definitely mad at me and I’ve never read or seen Carrie and..”

“This may come as a surprise to you, Eddie,” Ben chuckled. “But the play will definitely tell you enough about the storyline from beginning to end that you won’t need to read the book. Actually, you know, it tells you everything. It re-creates the story.”

Eddie flushed. “Yes, okay, I know that but Richie…”

“If I know anything about Richie Tozier, he’s not mad at you.” Ben shook his head. “To be honest, Richie would just usually shrug something like that off completely but on top of all the other stuff this year, I think it was just too much. Not to let you off the hook for standing him up, because that was still crappy, Eddie-“ Ben shot him a small glare and Eddie felt himself flush again. “But the rest of that stuff isn’t your fault and Richie wouldn’t blame it on you, either. So come to the show and talk to him.”

Eddie nodded, giving Ben a soft smile. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. And if it goes bad, I’m not the one who invited you.”

-

Eddie spent the rest of the week missing Richie and trying to read Carrie. It was surprisingly hard, Eddie finding himself getting stuck at the same point near the beginning over and over.

To Billy <3 @ 7:55am: Carrie is a terrible book

From Billy <3 @ 9:21am: Most Stephen King books are. Don’t know how anybody can read that crap.

To Billy <3 @ 9:22am: They can’t all be that bad.

From Billy <3 @ 9:22am: They are. Have you ever read the demon clown/acid trip turtle book?

To Billy <3 @ 9:30am: Uh

Saturday night came rolling around and anxiety was deep in Eddie’s chest, reaching out and threatening to suffocate him. He called Bill three hours before he needed to head out and reached a very unimpressed best friend on the other end of the line.

“No, Eddie.” Bill said in replacement of a hello. “You’re going to the fuh-fucking show and you’re going to uh-auh-apologize to that loud boy from your work. Then muh-maybe make out with his fuh-face.”

Bill hung up and Eddie stared at his phone in betrayal.

-

Eddie showed up outside the school’s large theatre and found Ben and Stanley both standing outside waiting for him. He was wearing the same sweater and jeans he’d worn when meeting Richie and the others at the bar that night that had felt like years earlier.

Ben smiled warmly as he approached, and Stan reached out to pat him on the shoulder. “Richie got back into town like an hour ago and looked like death ran him over twice,” Stanley said in that straight forward fashion of his. Eddie frowned deeply and Ben closed his eyes. “Don’t worry, Eddie, I’m sure it’s not because you left him standing at the side of the road for an hour. It’s probably because he hates his parents and just spent a week with them. Because you left him standing at the side of the road for an hour.”

“Are you done?” Ben asked, raising a brow. Stan smiled almost sarcastically and gestured towards the door. Not for the first time, Eddie wondered if he underestimated the friendship between Richie and Stan. They moved into the front row and took their seats, Eddie on one side of Ben and Stanley on the other. The lights came on the very scene that Eddie had deeply struggled getting back while reading the book began. Admittedly, it was a little hard to recreate a shower scene when you couldn’t have running water on a stage but Eddie almost didn’t notice.  

The play moved on swiftly and Eddie found himself getting into it when Beverly came out and stood center stage. He’d noticed her several times, playing on the biggest leads in the play, but he was suddenly floored looking at her in her 70s style clothes and deep red hair. She shot the crowd a half smirk and opened her mouth to sing.

“Guess what, ever since the world began. Same plot. Everyone’s been dumping on their fellow man.”

Eddie’s eyes widened and looked over to Ben and Stan, whom were both staring up at their friend with similar looks of dazed adoration. “I’m straight now,” he whispered to them both. “Richie who?”

“Right?” Ben said, waggling his brow while Stan shook his head slightly. “He’s dating the girl playing Sue.” Eddie crinkled his brow, remembering the statements Richie had made about Mike and Stan, and the things he’d seen himself. Ben nodded, and patted Eddie on the wrist. “Life is complicated.”

Richie was playing the male antagonists, Beverly’s boyfriend, and he looked so good in his badboy attire that Eddie’s breath hitched in his throat every time Richie came on the stage. He watched the scene where Richie and Bev were beginning to plan their methods of harassing Carrie White and Eddie had to clasp a hand over his mouth as Richie began to belt out his lyrics with an air of douchebaggery that Eddie wouldn’t have thought possible in the huge nerd he was falling so hard for.

“You always amaze me with the way that you think… If I were your daddy, I would buy you a shrink.”

Eddie watched the rest of the show with his tongue heavy in his mouth and he stood along with Ben and Stan to applaud once it was over. As Ben rushed to the back of the stage to greet his friends, Eddie began to step back slowly. Stan reached out and clasped his wrist.

“Where are you going?” Stan asked, narrowing his eyes at him. “You’re coming with us, Eddie. We sat in the front row, there’s no way Richie didn’t see you. If you just leave right after, you might as well kiss every chance you have of making up with him goodbye.”

Eddie let out a shaky sigh and nodded. He followed Stan back to where the cast and their friends were all throwing their arms around each other. At the sight of them, Richie let out an excited noise and Eddie’s stomach dropped out his ass at how good he looked. The distance between the stage and Eddie’s seat hadn’t done him justice, Eddie now staring at the closeness of Richie’s dark eye makeup and sweaty, shiny face. A million thoughts, most dirty, ran through Eddie’s face until he truly thought he was going to forget how to breathe altogether.

Richie tossed his arms around Stan and pulled him in, the pair of them slapping each other on the back as they hugged. Richie stepped away from, grinning widely and his eyes fell to Eddie. The grin faltered just slightly, something deep in Richie’s eyes bringing that horrible feeling of guilt back to Eddie’s stomach. “Heya, Eds. Like the show?”

“You were amazing,” Eddie said earnstely, nodding. His eyes met Mike and Beverly, and he smiled wider. “You all were. Really.” Beverly blew him a kiss and Eddie was pretty sure if he was even the slightest bit heterosexual he would have melted right into the floor and died in that moment.

“You guys are coming back to Mike and Richie’s for the party, right?” The pretty girl who’d played Sue said from her spot pressed in Stanley’s side. Eddie’s heart leapt in his chest and he felt Richie’s eyes burning into the side of the his face.

“Yeah,” Ben said from where he was- for whatever unnecessary reason- feeling Mike’s biceps and blushing. “We’re all coming. Right, Eddie?”

Eddie looked up, eyes meeting Richie. Richie gave him a soft smile. “Yeah. Yeah. We’re all coming.”

-

Eddie had been sitting awkwardly on Richie Tozier’s couch for two hours, pressed between Mike and Stanley for the panic that had been twisting his gut all night really started to get the better of him. Richie hadn’t looked or spoken to him once since they’d left the show and Eddie didn’t know how much longer he could deal with this.

Excusing himself quickly, Eddie jumped gave a poor excuse of getting another drink from the kitchen and fled. He gripped onto the counter, brain running wild as he squeezed his tearing up eyes shut. He could see Richie that first morning at the BrewStore, tired and sitting on the counter. Promising to find a coffee drink that Eddie would love, implying that Eddie would fall in love with Richie himself. Richie in his beanie outside the bar. Richie with his busted lip but bright smile. The feeling of Richie’s hand in his when Richie asked with a shaking, nervous voice if he wanted to go out.

Eddie let out a single sob, and slapped a hand over his mouth.

“Hey, Eddie, if you don’t like the-” Richie’s voice carried over to him as he came into the kitchen before stopping. His voice went through at least three emotions as Eddie wiped quickly at his damp cheeks. “Why are you crying? What happened?”

“I…” Eddie inhaled deeply. “I’m sorry, Richie. I shouldn’t be huh-here. I already messed every-everything up. I’ll just…” Eddie moved to walk past him but Richie’s hand came out and curled around his wrist.

“Come on the balcony with me, okay? I think… I think we have somethings we need to say to each other.”

[abethemouse]

To the men who ruined men for me:

When I was young, you were younger. You showed yourself to me and told me to have sex with you. I panicked. The fear I felt that day stopped all words from forming but I managed to shakily text for help as I sobbed uncontrollably. I felt shame, an immense amount of shame and embarrassment. Not just because of the situation but because you were younger and I felt weak and gross, because of who you were.

I was young, you were older. You encouraged me to be vulnerable with you and manipulated me. I opened up about my fears to you and trusted you and you took advantage of my naivety. I first self harmed after my experience with you.

I was an adult, so were you. I loved you. You broke up with me the day before Valentine’s Day over the phone and I told myself I was better off. I knew it was because I wasn’t ready to have sex, because I was scared. Because when you were on top of me I shoved you off and you slammed your head on the nightstand. You built me up to be to comfortable and confident but never truly respected me. I cut all my hair off a week later.

You were my manager. We went out once and messed around in your car. You cried a lot over your depression but then told me to go to the gym because I didn’t have a nice body and when I went with you I was embarrassed with you commenting aloud on the lack of butt I had. When I got mad you would cry about it. You tried to fuck me in your parents house while watching that shitty shark movie with Blake Lively and your tiny dog staring at us in the corner. I quit that job.

You made me feel good about myself, we went on one date. I drove because you had been in an accident and broke your car. I then took you to your AA meeting. We kissed. Your girlfriend confronted me the next day.

You asked for my number, I gave it to you. You immediately started texting and calling about meeting on the side of the road at midnight. I blatantly told you I was uncomfortable and you tried to make me feel like a shitty person by giving me flowers.

We went on one date, you were polite, ignored personal space but otherwise very nice. Then you told me you had a felony for statutory rape. I told you I wasn’t comfortable dating and you took me home. You showed up at my work the next day. You threw money at me and ran around the store saying you owned me and I had no right to turn you down. You had to be escorted out of the building. Your mother contacted me a week later and told me you were arrested.

You were older, significantly older. We were in a coworker group chat and that’s how you got my number. You bombarded me with messages about taking me out. You started bringing me things at work and leaving notes. You got mad if I didn’t speak with you before leaving. I quit my job.

You were my new supervisor. Super weird guy but intriguing. My roommate got serial killer vibes. You added me on Facebook then deleted and blocked me immediately. You told me at work you couldn’t be friends with me because we were coworkers. You started messaging me anyway. Conversations were good, you were childish and it made me feel free. I didn’t like you as a boss and asked to switch supervisors and you cried. I let you guilt trip me into staying in my position. I had a giant breakdown and quit my job. You cried and asked me to stay and I said no. You blocked me on everything.

We went on two dates. We had known each other for over a year. I felt good about you. The second date was good but you tried to kiss me and basically ate my face and I got really uncomfortable. I told you I didn’t think we should be together but you were a wonderful friend. You didn’t like that. You started harassing me. You threatened to show up at my house on Christmas. I told you I would call the police. You stopped harassing me then would message me randomly that I made you “hot and heavy”. You told me you could “help” me. I blocked you on everything. You left a bookcase on my driveway with your own hoodie that smelled strongly. You also left a card with an iTunes gift card and a badly rolled joint (that I will not smoke). You showed up at my work. Today.

I have battled with my sexuality and gender identity for a long time. I told myself that I’m asexual because I have such a hard time with intimacy, I’m transgender because I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin. I look back at all of you and I question who I am. I don’t have a problem with intimacy. I have a problem with trust.

I don’t know who I am, but I know that it’s not up to anyone else to shape me. You all suck.

To the guys I love, thanks.

To the women I love, literally I have no horror stories. All of you were/are incredible.

[avatarxfrozen-blog]

For The Best

Okay, so I’m pretty nervous about this. I’ve posted this on fanfiction.net already, but Tumblr’s a whole different ball game. That, and I’m new to Tumblr and still trying to get the hang of it. Well, I’ll give it a shot and hope it doesn’t suck too bad. This story starts when Elsa’s around 12 and goes until her parents leave. I may or may not add on to this, I haven’t decided yet. 

It’s for the best, that’s what my father says, and what I’ve begun to say myself. It’s for the best that they don’t get close to me, for I’m a monster in the making. It’s for the best that I shut them out. But in the end, is it really?

"I'm scared!" I cried, turning from the ice-covered corner and facing my parents, looking at my hands in confusion. Why weren't the gloves working? "It's getting stronger!"

"Getting upset only makes it worse," Father said, voice gentle but stern at the same time. "Calm down."

I looked up and realized he had come closer. I instinctively drew back, clutching my hands-my dangerous hands-to my chest. "No, don't touch me!" Mother's hands flew to her mouth in shock, eyes shining with worry. Father just looked at me, equally taken aback. "Please," I pleaded, voice breaking. "I don't want to hurt you."

Mother stepped forward, putting her hand on Father's shoulder, but stopped there. She looked at me with sad, helpless eyes. They both did. I sighed and turned around, hugging myself. "I'm sorry," I choked, tears running down my cheeks.

It was silent for a few moments, then I heard quiet sighs of defeat and footsteps as they walked to the door. "We'll figure this out," Father said, voice uncharacteristically weak. It made my stomach churn. He was the King, nothing could tear him down. He was like the castle itself, strong and solid. At least, that's what I thought. I guess maybe I was the weakness.

The door clicked shut and I fell into the wall and slid to the floor, sobs overtaking me, as did the ice.

I somehow managed to fall asleep in the corner, surprising since I usually have trouble falling asleep. I stumbled to my feet and went to my dresser and looked in the mirror. I was a mess, my face blotchy and red and hair falling out of my braid. I undid my braid and brushed my hair and re-braided it, and tried to straighten my clothes. The sun was setting, so I must have missed dinner.

A white object by the door caught my attention. I walked over and picked it up. A note from Gerda, telling me to come to the kitchen when I was ready, adding that Anna would be busy and the rest of the staff dismissed after 7:00. I looked at my clock: 7:15. Five hours I had been asleep.

My stomach growled, for I had missed lunch as well, so I decided to go ahead and get some food. Once couldn't hurt, right?

Despite her assurance that I would be left alone, I was still cautious when I left. Though I never was as clumsy as my sister, in the years since our separation I learned how to move in the shadows like a ghost, which was basically what I was, pale and quiet and flitting in the background of the castle and my sister's life.

When I reached my parents' room, I heard loud talking inside. Not quite yelling, but close. I intended to ignore it and keep going, but then I heard my name. I paused and hesitantly stepped closer to the door so I could hear better.

"Agdar, it can't stay this way. It's obvious it's not working. And Anna's growing suspicious."

"What else would you have me do, Idun?" He sounded stressed and defeated. "We can't just let things go back to the way they were!"

"Did you not see our daughter?!" Mother's voice broke. "She is falling apart! She wouldn't let us touch her! Things have gone too far, something has got to change!"

"Anna almost died! They cannot be together again!" I gasped quietly, though thankfully they were too occupied to hear. I always knew part of him blamed me, even if he never specifically said so.

"It was an accident! They were just children! Elsa would be more careful, I know she would!"

"If she doesn't have control, it doesn't matter how careful she tries to be. I know it hurts to say it, and believe me when I say I don't want to, but we have to accept it: Elsa is dangerous."

Tears dripped off my chin. He was right, of course, but it still hurt.

"Elsa is not a monster!"

"I never said she was a monster, Idun. I know she's not doing it on purpose. But," he sighed wearily. "If she doesn't control it, and soon, she may unconsciously become one."

I didn't hear Mother's reply. I drew back and hit the wall in shock. A monster. My own father thought I was going to be a monster. I suddenly didn't feel hungry as I rushed back to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me and falling against it and sliding to the floor. I looked at my gloves hands, the word 'monster' echoing through my mind.

I curled into a ball and I cried. And cried. I had been doing that a lot lately. The already dreary future ahead of me looked even more hopeless, and those thoughts came back. Maybe everyone would be better off without me. All this pain, all this fear, it began because of me. I'm making our world colder, how long can it survive? Should I kill the monster before it takes full control? If I die, will Anna be free to live a normal life? Will the gates open?

Anna's sunny face filled my mind, teal eyes sparkling and her smile bright. For a reason unknown to me, she still loved me. How would it affect her? It wouldn't be fair for me to dump every responsibility on her. And what of my parents? I know my mother already feared I would attempt something like this, I had heard her tearful prayers outside my door when she thought I was asleep.

No, I couldn't do it. Not yet, anyway. But I couldn't let them be close to me, for their own safety. Anna was already separated by my door, but my parents...it wasn't enough to just not touch them anymore.

Talking was the only way we could be close, but even it was too much. I had to stop giving them hope. I knew what I had to do.

As my father once told me, it's for the best.

I was always shy growing up, and even when I was with my family I was usually content to let Anna talk. I was never really talkative, so at first, nobody noticed. I just nodded yes or no or shrugged when Gerda asked me questions. She gave me an odd look, for I suppose it was a little rude, but she didn't say much else.

During my lessons, I didn't talk. Thankfully, I usually didn't have to with these particular subjects, so it went unnoticed.

But when my parents came to visit, it became complicated.

"Good afternoon, Elsa," Father said as he and Mother entered the room. I nodded politely, looking at the floor. "How were your lessons?" I nodded again, finally looking up at them. Father raised a brow.

"Elsa, dear, are you alright?" Mother asked. I nodded again. Her and Father glanced at each other.

"Not in a talkative mood, I suppose," he murmured. "We'll come back later." He gave me a look as he left, one that warned me to tread carefully.

After they left I went and sat on my bed, picking up my stuffed puffin. "Oh, Sir Jorgenbjorgen, I don't want to do this," I spoke softly and played with the orange hairs at the top of his head. "But I have to. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt them, so I don't have a choice." I looked at him with determination. "I will not be a monster if I can help it."

As they promised, Mother and Father came back later. Still, I did not talk. By the end, Father was frustrated and Mother was worried, but I still did not speak. They tried this a few times over the next few days, but still, nothing. It was emotionally taxing on all of us, but I tried to hide it. Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show.

Finally, at the end of the day, Father had had it. "Elsa, this has gone on long enough!" He slammed his fist on the desk, making me cringe and ice the chair where I gripped it. "I don't know what you're trying to prove, but this is not appropriate behavior for the crown princess!"

"Agdar!" Mother hissed. She looked at me. "Elsa, what's going on? What's wrong?" Her eyes were wide and pleading, and I felt bad. While Father ignited frustration and anger, Mother eroded with guilt. I knew I was hurting her, and it hurt me. I wanted so badly to just give in, say sorry and that I love her, that I'll do better. But I was a hopeless case, and this was the only way to make it better.

"Answer your mother," he growled. I fought back a grimace, avoiding his gaze. He could still be scary when he was mad.

Without warning, he reached out and grabbed my wrist, hard. I yelped in panic and pain, ignoring his words, and stood and yanked myself away, but in the process I tripped and fell, hitting the table and cutting my forehead. Blood dripped down and splattered on the ice that had shot up everywhere. I held my hand to my head, ignoring the sticky feeling of blood, and gasped through my sobs and struggled back as Mother approached me, trying to calm me. Father stayed behind in shock and stared at me.

As she drew closer, I whimpered and shook my head. 'Please,' I begged. 'Mama, please, just go. I don't want to hurt you.'

As if she could read my mind, she stopped. Tears welled up and ran down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Elsa," she choked. "I'll send Gerda...with first aid supplies."

I nodded and looked away, curling in on myself further when Father tried to approach. "Elsa..."

I shook my head and turned away from him, refusing to meet his gaze. He crossed a line. We all knew it. And even though I brought this on myself, I couldn't help but feel betrayed.

When they left, I stumbled to my bed, keeping pressure on my forehead. When Gerda showed up, I refused to let her bandage it and did it myself. My head ached and my heart ached, and I fell asleep on my bed on top of the covers. The next morning, though, I was covered with a blanket and the blood had been wiped from my face.

They left me alone for a few days. Mother came and checked on me, but didn't force me to speak. I knew it was her that tucked me in last night, but she said nothing of it, so I made no sign that I knew.

Father never showed up.

It wasn't until a week later that they tried again.

"Elsa, sweetheart, please," Mother pleaded, reaching for my hand, but pausing when I pulled it back. "Please, talk to us."

I looked back mutely, keeping my expression neutral. I glanced at Father, who looked at me in defeat. He knew. I looked back at Mother. She knew, too, but she didn't give in. At least, not until now. She whimpered and her head dropped into her hands, her shoulders began to shake with sobs.

My eyes stung and guilt clawed at my stomach. 'I'm sorry,' I thought. 'I don't want to hurt you.'

But as Father always said, it's for the best.

As the years passed, I didn't say a word to hardly anyone. Not to my parents, not to Anna, not to Gerda...anybody I was close to, I didn't speak to them. Only in my lessons when I absolutely had to did I speak, and I knew that Anna and my mother both sat outside the door and listened. Sir Jorgenbjorgen was the only other thing to hear my voice. I whispered and cried to him late at night, for now, I was utterly and completely alone. I had effectively shut out everyone.

When I was eighteen, my parents had to leave on a two-week trip. I met them at the bottom of the stairs as they prepared to go. 'Do you have to go?' I thought, looking at them with pleading eyes, trying to convey my message.

I think they got it. "You'll be fine, Elsa," Father said, Mother smiling sadly beside him. I yearned so badly to hug them and touch them, say goodbye and tell them I love them.

But I didn't.

It's for the best.

Two weeks later, we received news that their ship had been caught in the storm. There were no survivors. I would never get the chance to speak to them or make things right.

I put Sir Jorgenbjorgen in my trunk in the attic and still did not talk to Anna, even though I wanted to. I didn't go to the funeral.

And through it all, I began to wonder.

Was it really all for the best?

I was starting to have my doubts.

[themalhambird]

Richard/Aumerle for the "send me a ship" meme :D

Who s physically stronger?Aumerle. Richard is faster though.

Who is more likely to break a bone?Between the “fight me” reaction to everything and a certain amount of natural clumsiness, Aumerle.

Who knows best what to say to upset the other?Aumerle, actually. If Richard says something horrible to Aumerle he’s more likely to be lashing out because he’s upset with someone else, so it wont have been specifically calculated to hurt. Wheras Aumerle knows all of Richard’s weaknesses and insecurities and could shatter him with a single sentence. He wont though.

Who is more likely to hurt the other?Richard- see aforementioned lashing out. One one level Aumerle accepts Richard isnt mad at him and doesnt mean it, but that doesnt always mean he can shrug off what’s said.

Who is emotionally stronger.?Richard breaks down more quickly, but finds it easier to pull himself together and mask his distress even if he doesnt move past it. Aumerle can cope with more but once he snaps it takes a while to pick up the peices.

Who is more likely to apologize first after an argument?Richard. Mainly because Richard is more likely to have started it and Aumerle is very firm about not apologizing when it’s Richard who’s in the wrong. He’s perfected the art of giving the king of England the cold shoulder without breaching ettiquette- vanishing behind a wall of formality is will normally win him an apology within 48 hours.

Who treats who’s wounds more often?That’s what the royal physician is for. Richard hovers more though- Aumerle will stay out of the way while the doctor’s working unless asked to do otherwise.

Who is in constant need of comfort?Richard. He tries not to dump it all on Aumerle, but there’s only so many people he feels he can be open and honest and vulnerable with and….Aumerle is pretty much all of them. He might find Isabelle if he’s just generally sad or tired and hope for a distraction, and he has Carlisle for more spiritual matters, but apart from that it’s only Edward- which can be pretty draining on Aumerle at times.

Who gets more jealous?Richard, actually. Aumerle is prety much resigned to the face that loving Richard means sharing him; Richard, oth, makes it very clear that Aumerle is HIS and York’s suggestion that maybe its really time for Edward to marry is not welcome through the power of the Plantagenet Glare. (Though if Edward did happen to fall in love with someone else, Richard would support him fully)

Who’s more likely to walk out on the other?Etttiquette prevents Aumerle leaving without permission, and Richard will never relinquish his right to be in whichever room of his palace he pleases to be in so he wouldnt leave because of an argument. He might order Aumerle out, whether Ned obeys or tells him to call the guards to drag him out depends on whetger he thinks Richard is more likely to calm down or get worse if left tk his own devices.

Who will propose?In canon-era they cant marry so the question’s mute, though Richard probably slios a ring on Aumerle’s finger one night while they’re lying in bed together in a sort of symbolic gesture

In a modern au where Richard and Anne never met, Edward proposes, quite possibly at a completely random moment where he was watching Richard do something adorable like Swear Vengence Upon The Heads Of His Enemies, think “I’m going to marry that idiot” and say “marry me” almost at once. If Richard had lost Anne, though, Ned would be a lot more cautious about proposing so it would probably be left to Richard accidentally introducing Edward as his husband because that’s how he’s come to see him, having a complete freak out when he realises what he’s done including a guilt trip about being disloyal to Anne’s memory and probably ends with Edward holding Richard while they come to an agreement that they will get married, but they’ll hold off on even thinking about planning any arrangements until Richard is ready and proposes properly.

Who has the most difficult parents?That’s another

one which depends on au- in canon Richard's parents are dead and even if they weren't, Edmund Duke of Execute My Son For Treason He's Probably A Bastard Anyway wpuld have them beat. In everyone lives and Richard keeps adopting random kids au oth, I can see Edward being more difficult because he loves his son, is painfully aware Gaunt and Gloucester would happily trample on him to get to power ( Richard's relationship with his older brother the prince of wales is a little strained) and can remember all to well what happened to his grandfather. So he'd probabky attempt to split them up, at least until Joan swats him over the head and tells him to leave them alone, they're sweet together, and York points out that Sending Aumerle away will be seen as confirmation of the affair which could make matters worse.Who initiates hand holding in public?The King of England does not hold hands, and Aumerle needs his free in case he needs to tear a glove off and fling it in someone's face. Aumerle will sometimes give Richard's arm a light touch meaning calm the fuck down you moron.Who comes up for the other all the time?They both move heaven and earth for each other, as far as they're able. Richard is aware he's not the easiest lover and tries to make up for it by granting any request Edward might make of him.Who gets more sad? Richard, especially on dates conjected with Anne-her death, of course, but also her funeral, her birthday, and their anniversary. Other times depression just kicks in for no obvious reason. Aumerle is very firm on those days- Richard had to get out of bed, break his fast, and go for a walk I the gardens if the weather's good, or o the battlements if its not. If he doesnt feel up to anything more than that, they can go back to bed, but generally Richard carries on with the day once he's been made to start it.Who' better at cheering the other up?Aumerle. Richard panics when Aumerle's upset and fumbles around trying to work out what to do, not realising that all Aumerle wants is to be held by him and have a sympathetic ear. He's learning, though- once Aumerle tells him thats the best thing he can do he does it, and he prioritizes it over everything else.Who's the one who playfully slaps the other for silly jokes.Neither. Richard used to roll his eyes and threaten Aumerle with banishment for assulting his ears, but stopped when he exiled Bolingbroke for real.Who is more streetwise/wise Neither, they're both useless. Next?Who's the shyest?Aumerle. It isnt too obvious, but he gets very nervous at social events and he replays every interaction in his head a million times, over analysing it and convincing himself he messed up. Richard takes care to murmer some variation of "youre doing really well im so proud of you" to him at some point during the evening, and has a standing arrangement with Bolingbroke that Henry will keep an eye on Ned and go rescue him if he needs to- its been in place ever since Ned first came to court and Henry actually sticks to it even more rigidly now its become clear that his cousins' bedsharing is no longer platonic. the way henry sees it The only person allowed to be mean to his baby cousin is him.Who boasts about the other more?...they dont actually tend to boast about each other? Defend each other to the death if the occasion arises, sure, but Richard would rather they be an open secret than open knowledge, it seems...safer, after how badly things went wrong with Robert, who Richard would enthuse about to anybody who would listen.Who sits in who's lap.Richard sits on Aumerle's. Its not the easiest of manouvers because Richard's ridiculously long limbs get in the way, but if he's feeling particularly tired he'll climb on to Aumerle's lap and nestle his head beneath Aumerle's chin in the hopes of getting his hair stroked.Ll