#the groundwork for future gaslighting

[bitacrytic]

There will never be a more iconic line in any bl than...

"Then Stop Me!!!!"

[aethelflaedladyofmercia]

Coming Soon - Absence of Words

Great news! The new Sawdust of Words fic is finally ready! I’ll be posting it some time this week (likely Friday, but I might manage to swing it sooner if I have a day where I’m not too exhausted after work).

“Absence of Words” will pick up shortly after the ending of “Finding the Words” - with Aziraphale and Crowley having freshly established that yes, they love each other, that can definitely be a thing going forward.

However, Crowley’s difficulties communicating (as discussed in “Finding the Words” and demonstrated in “Three Little Words”) quickly land them in trouble, as the miscommunication rapidly goes from “kind of amusing” to “annnnngst.”

I mean, it’s me. Was it ever going to be not angst?

The full fic will be a little over 13k. Excerpt below (2 scenes, one of which I posted an early version of...dang...more than a year ago?!)! Feel free to leave a comment/ask/private message with your thoughts!

(Note: because some people prefer to know what kind of ending to prepare themselves for, I’ll give a brief description after the excerpt, as well as CWs for the fic as a whole).

--

They walked for more than half an hour, hands still twined together.

Aziraphale spoke the whole time, more animated with every step, and Crowley drank it all in. He paid no attention to where they were, how far they walked, how late it was getting. All that mattered was they were here, they were together, really together.

They’d done it. They’d done everything.

Stopped the Apocalypse.

Fooled their sides.

Won their freedom.

And then, in the garden…Crowley’s lips still tingled, recalling the brush of Aziraphale’s. He almost couldn’t believe it had happened, couldn’t believe he’d dared. His breath caught in his throat every time he remembered that he now lived in a world where he had kissed Aziraphale. A world where nothing would come between them ever again. Each time Aziraphale’s eyes drifted over to him, Crowley was certain he’d discorporate on the spot.

The angel waved his arms as he talked. He pulled Crowley’s hand along with each gesture – sudden jerks ahead of them, tugs across his chest, complicated circles as if trying to draw what he described. More than once he nearly pulled Crowley off balance; Aziraphale didn’t know his own strength.

It would have been easier to let go.

He probably should let go – his palm was warm where it had been pressed against Aziraphale’s for half an hour, his fingers stiff and itching, longing to move again. The chills running up his arm, almost more than he could bear, were the most exquisite torture he’d ever suffered. Every time their palms shifted, finding a new position against each other, it pierced him like an arrow, tore through his heart, leaving it fluttering and juddering and palpitating like nothing else ever had. Crowley really, really needed to let go.

“Are you all right, my dear?” Aziraphale asked, glancing over.

“M’fine.” He gently squeezed the soft fingers locked through his, starting another wave of bliss that threatened to overwhelm him even before Aziraphale graced him with that smile…

Yeah. He wasn’t letting go any time soon.

--

Crowley’s hand was in his.

Aziraphale could hardly believe it had happened, hardly believe he’d dared. This seemed, somehow, the most momentous thing to have happened all weekend, though an outside observer would probably disagree. Well. That observer didn’t understand.

They’d started walking, the impulsiveness had come over him again and he – Aziraphale – the angel who dithered over every choice, every action – the angel who likely hadn’t taken the initiative on anything within living memory – he’d run his hand down Crowley’s arm and…

Well. Here they were.

They hadn’t spoken about it. Hadn’t really acknowledged it. But neither had let go.

Once he had his bearings, it shouldn’t have taken long to get back to his shop. But Aziraphale put it off as long as he could. They paused in front of dozens of shop windows, remarking on the pastries or clothing or sports equipment on display, but in truth Aziraphale was just looking at his own reflection, a fussy old angel, anxious and overeager, standing beside an exquisite demon radiating suave confidence. Quite the mismatched pair and yet, that’s what they were: a pair.

Perhaps even a couple.

Oh, dear, that seemed far too bold.

Aziraphale stumbled over whatever nonsense he’d been saying, and quickly turned away from the window. He glanced up to see if Crowley had noticed his distress, and oh, through those black lenses he could just catch a glimpse of golden slit-pupil eyes watching him directly, not just a glance from the corner of an eye. He’d been nodding along to everything Aziraphale said, that smirk hovering on his lips, threatening to turn into an actual smile. Crowley squeezed his hand, gently, as if to make sure it was still there, and it sent Aziraphale’s heart racing again.

Finally, after forty-five minutes, they ran out of detours and excuses and reached the last intersection: Soho to the left, Mayfair to the right.

His footsteps slowed as they approached. Aziraphale didn’t want to let go, not yet, didn’t want to relinquish the warmth, the feeling of the uneven heartbeat against his palm, the tiny shiver he felt whenever Crowley’s thumb brushed the back of his hand.

They paused at the corner, Aziraphale looking left, Crowley glaring straight ahead.

“Well.” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “I’ll see you in a few minutes.” He glanced down at their hands. Oh, dear. He didn’t seem to know how to let go.

“Nh,” Crowley said.

“Come now, dear fellow, you know this is the quickest way home for both of us. Twenty minutes. Fifteen, if you drive like you always do.”

“Nnnnnnh,” Crowley elaborated.

Aziraphale ordered his fingers to let go. Traitorous things, they only held on tighter.

“I could walk you back to the shop,” Crowley pointed out. “Or we could pick up the Bentley together, then drive over. Quicker that way. We can grab whatever you need…”

“What part of it’s a surprise are you having trouble with?” He meant it to be teasing, but Crowley’s lips went tight anyway. Aziraphale put a bit of extra cheer into his voice. “Look, as I understand, it’s proper etiquette for the individual with the car to pick up the other, when two people are…” He trailed off, considering in fascination all the words he could use to complete that sentence. “And…it wouldn’t hurt to have a moment to, I don’t know…”

He honestly didn’t know.

But the longer he stood in Crowley’s gaze, the more certain he was that he needed to step away. A thousand emotions were bubbling up inside him, and he needed space to process them, privately, before they burst out in the most unseemly—

“Aziraphale.” Crowley turned, and his fingers hovered by the angel’s face, as if not sure where to touch. “Do you…want to be alone right now?”

“That’s not…” He swallowed, finding he couldn’t look away from Crowley’s mouth. His lips. Did he want to kiss them again? Or be kissed? Both were terrifying. Both were tempting.

Crowley took his other hand, leaning closer.

“Yes. I do.”

Crowley went very still.

He thought his heart might burst; Aziraphale couldn’t tell one beat from the next. His hands started to tremble, and he stepped back, wiping them anxiously on his waistcoat, tugging it straight. “Don’t be – this isn’t about – it’s nothing like that.” He straightened his tie. “I just – perhaps I could use a few minutes, yes, and there’s nothing – nothing of note about that, I’m sure you could too, but all in all this is the simplest solution, that’s – that’s all there is to it.”

It could be very hard to read Crowley’s expression, but just now his lips twisted, his jaw went tight, and Aziraphale felt his heart begin to ache. The demon circled him, fingers jammed in his pockets, and started towards Mayfair as fast as his long legs would carry him.

“Wait! Crowley, don’t—”

“Fifteen minutes, Angel. Be ready.”

He watched the dark figure until it disappeared around a corner. And only then did Aziraphale realize he’d let go of Crowley’s hand

----

NOTES AND SPOILERS

CWs: Mentions of past abuse (physical and emotional, very brief/implied); emotional manipulation/gaslighting (from the POV of Aziraphale, still believing what he’d been told); anxiety (low-level but constant, and building across the fic); miscommunication, accidentally hitting another’s triggers. Very brief G-rated discussion of attraction. Swearing.

Ending: This will have a happy ending. Not all communication issues will be resolved in this story, but groundwork will be laid. Future stories will deal with developing healthy communication/trauma coping strategies.

[not-poignant]

That new FFS chapter killed me. I have never disliked Gwyn before but WOW I disliked Gwyn so much. I get it but still, it was jarring to see Gwyn's idea of Ef against the real Ef. It does make me curious about some things, like how Arden would react to Gwyn's idea of their relationship. As for Dr. Gary, how does he feel about Gwyn? Neutral in a professional way? Bitter? He recognizes Gwyn isn't healthy for Ef in a practical way, but I wonder if it ever gets a little personal for him

Dr Gary doesn’t like Gwyn being in Efnisien’s life at all. He strongly believes that Gwyn is a negative and detrimental influence on Efnisien’s life, and you can actually see Dr Gary trying to point this out in their first session together after Efnisien sees Arden for the first time. Efnisien misses Dr Gary’s point, but Dr Gary makes an effort to point out that the only reason Efnisien felt well enough to leave his house and buy a book (and meet someone) was because Gwyn cancelled.

While Dr Gary follows Efnisien’s lead re: whether Gwyn is in Efnisien’s life or not, he is really hanging out for the day when Efnisien realises that Gwyn is toxic and abusive towards him (which Gwyn is). Dr Gary is also waiting for Efnisien to realise that though he held the power as a predator in that household, Gwyn holds the power now, and uses it to lash out. Think of it this way: Efnisien is an extremely safe target for all of Gwyn’s rage towards his family and his experiences, and Gwyn exercises that rage on a regular basis towards Efnisien, with gaslighting, lack of empathy and compassion, now acephobia, active threats of violence (from someone who tried to beat Efnisien to death) and more.

I was kind of surprised at how many people thought Gwyn was ‘better’ in the last chapter because he literally showed the tiniest shred of care - but that care came at the cost of Efnisien being actively gaslighted, receiving acephobia, and having his privacy violated unapologetically. Gwyn behaves terribly to Efnisien, and none of it is justified now that we’re three years into the future. After all, if Gwyn genuinely believes he can’t trust Efnisien at all - then why is he visiting? He doesn’t get to have it both ways: He can’t believe his visits help Efnisien stay focused on his recovery, and then get to viciously undermine Efnisien’s attempts at recovery.

Gwyn does both freely, with zero consequence, and Dr Gary cannot wait for him to be gone. Dr Gary is aware that Gwyn is very much a victim, but he’s also aware that Gwyn was raised in that household, and has absorbed some abusive traits (which you can actually see throughout SOTS, it’s just they’re much easier to both forgive/tolerate when he’s a main character who you’re rooting for).

I’m not sure how personal it gets for Dr Gary. He tends to see a lot of situations as opportunities. For example, if Efnisien isn’t ready to push Gwyn away - he sees that as an opportunity to do more groundwork with Efnisien around subjects relating to self-respect or self-worth or boundary-setting. If Efnisien tries to push Gwyn away and it doesn’t work, Dr Gary will see that as an opportunity to talk about boundary-setting, or how it feels to not have your boundaries respected (which is important to talk to Efnisien about on a lot of levels).

He definitely doesn’t share Efnisien’s view that Gwyn is only a victim and can do no wrong ever and is basically like a saint for visiting every month for so long (though Efnisien is feeling this less as well). After all, Dr Gary met Gwyn very early on, in SOTS, and knows full well what Gwyn’s personality is like.

But yeah, no, Dr Gary has his like, feelings about what he’d prefer re: the health of his client, but I don’t think he’s sitting there feeling bitter about it or anything.

As to Arden... I think he’d very much be along the lines of ‘I can fight my own battles, man, leave us alone.’ But Efnisien has this habit of not sharing the names of people when he’s talking about them, especially if they’re very close to him. So Arden doesn’t know Gwyn as Gwyn, only ‘Efnisien’s cousin.’ And Gwyn doesn’t know Arden as Arden, only ‘my boyfriend.’

Which is a shame in a way, because Gwyn and Arden have known each other for years.

[traincat]

I’ve read Waid and Hickman’s FF runs and am currently reading Zdarsky’s 2 in One. I’m planning on eventually reading the Lee/Kirby run. Can I ask, what other runs would you recommend? Is Claremont’s good? Sorry for bothering.

I LOVE Waid and Hickman’s Fantastic Four runs, and Zdarsky’s Marvel Two-In-One was excellent to the point where one of my lingering disappointments is that Marvel brought the Fantastic Four back in a way that prematurely cut off Zdarksy’s 2n1. I know I said I wanted them back but wow did we all get monkey’s paw’d on that one. Zdarsky did really excellent stuff with both Ben and Johnny and the multiverse hopping was honestly fun and interesting. Lee/Kirby is also, in my opinion, just a really terrific run -- it lays the groundwork for not only the future of the Fantastic Four but a lot of big concepts for the Marvel Universe in general, and I think it holds up really well by modern day storytelling standards. Lee’s sense of humor works well with the retrofuturistic vibe and Kirby’s art is always wonderful. In particular I think it’s interesting to look back on The Galactus Trilogy (Fantastic Four #48-50) as the granddaddy of all event comics, for better or worse. 

Claremont -- okay, I love Claremont’s run, let me start off by saying that. Claremont’s run follows on what is in my opinion one of the worst periods of Fantastic Four canon, and I mean bad to the point where the literal canon at that point was that to get things back on track the Fantastic Four had to be put in a bubble universe. Claremont’s run kicks in one or two issues after their return to the main Marvel universe and it’s so fun. I think Fantastic Four is one of those series that kind of flourishes in adversity and Claremont’s run starts off with the Fantastic Four trying to regain their footing in a world that had assumed them dead, their Baxter Building gone, living in a warehouse property. Claremont, in my opinion, also has one of the best if not the best handle on characterization for a lot of key Fantastic Four figures, including Johnny, Reed, and Sue. His Ben is also very good, but I think Ben in particular tends to be an easier sell for a lot of comic book writers -- the outcast, the gruff man, the comic relief. He’s easier to identify with than Reed, the Smartest Man on Earth, or Johnny, defined by his youth and beauty and queercoded since the ‘60s, or Sue, by sheer factor of being a woman. So I think a lot of writers identify with Ben first and foremost and put the most love and care into his depiction, whereas the others are a little easier for them to leave by the wayside. Which isn’t a bad thing -- I love that one of the most beloved comic book characters is also one of Marvel’s few canonically Jewish characters, but there is a wealth of truly excellent Ben canon in comparison to the other three. Especially with Johnny, there’s no one else who has written for Fantastic Four who has put nearly as much thought and detail into Johnny’s relationship with his powers, both the positive and the negative, as Claremont has, even reworking the origin story from Lee and Kirby’s joyous scene of Johnny flaming on for the first time into a deeply traumatizing incident -- being sixteen and traumatized and bursting into uncontrollable flames. 

(Fantastic Four v3 #11) There’s also a lot of women in Claremont’s run! A valid criticism of Fantastic Four canon is that by its initial core team makeup it tends to be lacking in female characters compared to some other big Marvel staples, but Claremont brings in a ton, from Reed’s college friend and fellow genius Alyssa Moy (who has been done dirty by pretty much every other writer who’s ever touched her, including Waid and Hickman) to multiversal bounty hunter Bounty to the most platonic of Johnny’s gal pals Caledonia to Valeria Von Doom, a “time dancing” teenage incarnation of the baby Sue lost back in Byrne’s run, who sets up baby Val’s eventual return. Claremont is also king of Reed vs Doom setups -- if you haven’t read his Fantastic Four vs X-Men miniseries, I highly recommend it, and he brings a lot of the two sides of the same coin energy from that into his Fantastic Four run. 

The downside of Claremont’s run is that the plot is always there and always running and I could not explain half of it if you paid me. Things certainly happen! Like all the time! For seemingly no apparent reason! Stuff gets set up and then it’s not resolved and now we are in Latveria! I don’t think this is necessarily all that detrimental -- the run is still massively fun and the characterization is always fresh and interesting. It’s just that sometimes you have no idea what’s going on and you have to roll with it. And then sometimes you do know what’s going on but in the way where you know Claremont was just writing it because it’s his kink. Which is like, whatever. As authorial ids go, you can pretty consistently do worse than Claremont’s, I’ll give him that. So I do recommend on it the whole, as long as you’re not going into expecting the kind of plots either Hickman or Waid brought the book. Claremont’s is kind of like “stuff happens and it’s either weird or fun so just don’t pay too much attention to it.” 

Aside from Claremont, I feel like I generally like far more Fantastic Four runs than I dislike -- but also I don’t hate Millar’s run, which is honestly bad, so it’s possible I’m just very forgiving with the Fantastic Four. I really like Robinson’s run, which is the last run before the Great Fantastic Four Drought of 2015-2018. It’s short, self-contained, and devoted entirely to one story, so it’s pretty tightly written, with good characterization and some very shiny art by Leonard Kirk. Straczynski’s run is decent enough for the fact that it intersects with Civil War -- I think he does his best to get into the heads of the characters re: their actions in Civil War -- and it leads directly into Dwayne McDuffie’s run, another brief one where Black Panther and Storm take over for Reed and Sue. Very fun. Marvel Knights 4 is also a fairly recent run that’s got some strong moments in it, although I feel it’s a little inconsistent in its handling of the characters. It’s still fun, though. For an older, longer run, I like Simsonson’s -- the art is very dynamic, even if the storyline kind of gets too involved with itself. 

(FF #337)

I recommend Byrne’s run with the caveat that there’s plenty to dislike about it and plenty of reasons to avoid it, not the least of it being Byrne himself as a creator and a person. It’s heavily sexist in how it deals with Sue, it retcons a huge age gap into Sue and Reed’s relationship, and Byrne’s early departure sets up my all time least favorite Fantastic Four story. (Though that one is Roger Stern and later Tom DeFalco’s fault.) It is historic as Fantastic Four runs go, though, and there’s a lot in later runs that’s built over it or references it or borrows from it. So it’s a rec with a lot of caveats and I also understand why people might give it a skip -- I think it’s more important for an understanding of the greater body of Fantastic Four canon and the impact it had than for the actual run itself. I do think Byrne has some very interesting subtext with Johnny, although it never come to fruition, and while his Sue falls victim to a lot of sexism, I really like what he does with the character of Frankie Raye, who like poor Alyssa Moy I don’t think has ever gotten really good treatment ever since.

I have mixed feelings on both Millar and Fraction’s runs, not in the least because I think they end very similarly -- and that Millar did it better, which doesn’t say great things. Millar’s run is kind of like a trashy popcorn flick version of Fantastic Four; it’s not actually good, but I can’t say I don’t like the terrible eldritch monster in Scotland Christmas arc (Fantastic Four #564-565) and I’m sort of into future Sue. Fraction, on the other hand, takes a space road trip and makes it boring, which is the greatest Fantastic Four sin of all. He’s one of the rare writers who I think actually writes a bad Ben Grimm -- not the least because his run goes out of its way to try and label it Ben’s own fault that he was transformed into a monster. I do really like his FF (just the initials) though. 

The only Fantastic Four runs I can say I really truly dislike are Tom DeFalco’s and Dan Slott’s, which sort of unfortunate because DeFalco’s is both long influential (I have no idea why because it’s honestly terrible like in terms of storytelling) and because Slott’s is happening right now. DeFalco comes onto the book on Fantastic Four #356 and stays on until Fantastic Four #416, at which point Marvel hit a literal retcon button to get out of the mess he’d made. (This leads into Fantastic Four v2, which is largely skippable -- it’s basically a mid-90s retelling of a bunch of early Fantastic Four stories that leads back into the FF heading back to the main universe.) DeFalco’s responsible for the Skrull retcon in the JohnnyAlicia marriage and for dragging that out for over 50 issues, the entirety of which feel like he was writing without a plan or outline or literally anything, and I have never felt like a comic book was attempting to gaslight me through its own incompetence or refusal to commit to things it set up itself as badly as I do with DeFalco’s run. (I like other non-Fantastic Four Tom DeFalco runs. I just hate this one.) Dan Slott’s run is just 25 issues and counting of badly written emotionless unfunny pages blandly stapled together and I so badly want Marvel to kick him off the book for its own good.

[itsbenedict]

Two-Faced Jewel: Session 11

Horse On First

A half-elf conwoman (and the moth tasked with keeping her out of trouble) travel the Jewel in search of, uh, whatever a fashionable accessory is pointing them at. [Campaign log]

Last time, our heroes made contact with the Deathseekers, and opted to accompany them back to Barley to take care of some unfinished business. While the high-level adventurers take care of the dragon, the party goes to deliver a book and pick up some clothes from the tailor. No drama here, probably!

In the morning, the party is woken by a visitor to the inn. Looseleaf... acquires a new bit of background thanks to an excellent History roll.

The maid is here to retrieve the party, as the Deathseekers are about to set out. One thing that's somewhat surprising is that the deathseekers aren't riding giraffes, like normal people- they're riding these weird, hulked-out short-necked hornless giraffes that- and there must be some mistake here- are apparently called "whoreses"? It's weird. The best their Nature rolls can get is that they sort of resemble an exotic striped creature called a "zebra", maybe.

Lady Greatholder is there, with two of her maids- one of whom is an elf, who's staring at Oyobi in undisguised horror. To non-elven eyes, Oyobi might look normal, dressed sort of sporty, even- but to an elf's keen sense of propriety, she might as well be wearing an ahegao t-shirt and hammer pants.

Traveling conversation is light.

Looseleaf: "What are these things, anyways? They look like recolored zebras." Benedict I. (GM): You must've misheard something, because Doon says "What, you've never seen a whores before?" Saelhen du Fishercrown: "...pardon me?" Looseleaf: "Is this- this is a pun, right? Like, I'm supposed to ask why you call them whores, and you'll answer, 'because we're riding them'? Is that the joke?" Saelhen du Fishercrown: Oh, god, this is an elaborate gaslighting prank. They are going to try to convince Saelhen to call this thing a whore, and then they will laugh, and she cannot even blame them, because that would be hilarious if she did it, probably. Benedict I. (GM): "Is there something wrong with the whoreses, ma'am?" the human girl asks. Looseleaf: "No, like, you're calling these animals whores, and despite the fact that I wasn't allowed to look at those magazines when I was younger, I'm relatively sure that the Common word 'whore' refers to a lady of ill repute of a brothel- I'm making this worse, aren't I." "I didn't learn the wrong word did I. Oh gods I totally learned the wrong word didn't I. The books that taught me Common were messing with me weren't they." Benedict I. (GM): Lady Greatholder and Doon absolutely lose their shit, as does Oyobi, who's been grinning ear to ear this whole time. Kevin speaks up. "Ah, no, it's- H-O-R-S-E. Hor-suh." "They're from up north." Saelhen du Fishercrown: Saelhen covers her faint smile (read: shit-eating grin). "How novel." Looseleaf: Looseleaf emits a quiet buzzing sound not unlike the sound previously emitted by John Human. This is moth for 'quiet screaming'.

The party doesn't really withhold any details about Arnie and the tower- they just make an appeal for Arnie to be treated with as much mercy as they can muster. Doon implies that he was in a similar place when Lady Greatholder found him, so she reluctantly agrees to stay the hand of JUSTICE.

On arriving in Barley, the Deathseekers go over their plan, in the broad strokes: they're going to post up in the tower, and lay a trap for the dragon using Arnie as bait. By Arnie's reckoning, it'll take a little over a week before the dragon's next visit, so the party has some time to kill in town.

Their first order of business is to visit Chitch, a local lizardfolk farmer who was kidnapped by Lumiere:

Chitch seems surprised that they didn't get kidnapped or tortured- and even more surprised when they claim to have information on his missing daughter's whereabouts.

They hand him CHOSS BOOK, the diary of the girl who was raised in Lumiere's tower as his apprentice. He starts reading it, and his tears of joyful disbelief turn to anger as he reads through the contents- which describe an evil torture wizard raising his daughter as his own, and using her as a test subject.

When he's about halfway through, he puts it down, grabs his pitchfork, and starts strapping on his armor- intent on heading for the tower to kill Lumiere. The party has to hastily explain the situation and exhort him to finish reading the diary, please- Lumiere is already dead, and Choss is safe in Wheat.

Chitch thanks them for the information, and presents them with a reward- apparently, before fleeing to Barley to settle down with his infant daughter, he was a lieutenant commander in the fleet of one Umidono Kaiden, an elven naval commander attempting to take control of the lawless Cutthroat Isles. He gives them his jeweled badge, which could sell for a decent chunk of cash or potentially be useful if they ever need to deal with Kaiden in the future. Orluthe is the one to pocket it, as the rest of the party hems and haws over accepting such a gift.

SNext, they head to visit Kensa Kanthalga to pick up Saelhen's torn kimono- and after a lot of paranoid second-guessing re: heading directly for the Kanthalga house via the grass, go through the Temple of Diamode in front of it first, to update Malath on the situation.

They find her continuing to train the town militia in spearwork, in preparation for what she assumes is an impending assault from Wheat.

They... do not mention Arnie, because mentioning the culprit is Arnie could potentially fan the flames with Wheat. Instead, they mention that the murder weapon was found there, as was evidence of a dragon. Malath seems skeptical that a dragon would stealthily kill with a tiny weapon, and somewhat perturbed that Deathseekers are in town, but agrees to notify the town that the Deathseekers are at the tower handling the dragon issue, so no one does anything dangerous like going over there.

(Incidentally, Vayen has vanished, and Looseleaf's bugged medical kit has indicated that he's gone over to the tower. Hm.)

So, they pass through the temple and visit Kensa in her home. Kensa answers the door, wearing...

...ah.

See, Kensa assumed that after they went to the torture tower and didn't come back for several days, that they were dead or torture-enslaved- and like, the dead or torture-enslaved don't need a stylish kimono, right?

So she is suitably mortified when Saelhen shows up at her door, not dead in the slightest.

Benedict I. (GM): Kensa's down pretty quick, wearing the pink dress from before (if somewhat more disheveled), holding a folded kimono. To her credit, it looks very well-repaired- you can't even tell it was damaged. "I- my apologies! Here you are, ma'am!" Saelhen du Fishercrown: Saelhen takes it. "While I have you here, would you like to hear a secret about this dress?" Kensa Kanthalga: "I- er, of course! Thank you!" Saelhen du Fishercrown: "When I was of an age comparable to yours..." She leans in conspiratorially. "I hated this thing. I fell down in it in front of a ballroom full of people and I very honestly wanted to take a scissor to it." Kensa Kanthalga: "N-no way...!" Saelhen du Fishercrown: "I keep it because it was a gift and because I sometimes need it. But if it gives you pleasure to wear it, then it is accomplishing far more with you than it ever did for me." Kensa Kanthalga: Her eyes widen. "R-really?!" Saelhen du Fishercrown:"I do still need it, to be clear. I, ah, don't mean to get your hopes up." Kensa Kanthalga: "...Oh." "No, of course..." You totally got her hopes up. Looseleaf: Not only did you get her hopes up, you even got Looseleaf's hopes up. Saelhen du Fishercrown: To be fair, "prove that elves can be assholes too" is right there on her character sheet.

And as far as payment- Saelhen just implied that Kensa would be allowed to cut out a swatch or two of the silk during repairs, which Kensa immediately jumped on without discussing further payment. Except...

Then Saelhen... gives Kensa some advice.

Saelhen du Fishercrown: "Now, in your shoes, considering that I might have been still alive, what I would have done was this: cut out squares, maybe handkerchief-sized, here and here. 'One or two,' as I specified." The places Saelhen indicated on the kimono are... not great places for there to be handkerchief-sized holes. They would render it pretty much unwearable. "I didn't ever specify where the swatches should be cut out, true. And so you could certainly chalk up the issue to youthful enthusiasm and indiscretion." "A lady like myself could never do something so crass as ask you to pay for a dress you'd taken time out of your busy schedule to repair, working to the bone over long hours. And I certainly wouldn't have had use for something I couldn't wear or repair myself." Kensa Kanthalga: "I- wh...?" Saelhen du Fishercrown: "And so you would have had the swatches -- and, shortly, the entire dress with it." Benedict I. (GM): She is so confused. Is this lady trying to give her advice on how to grift her??? "That's- but that'd be...!" "I couldn't do that!" Looseleaf: oh my god is saelhen trying to recruit an apprentice is THAT what this is, Looseleaf thinks Saelhen du Fishercrown: "You could, dear."

Saelhen is trying to recruit an apprentice conwoman.

Saelhen retreats, at this point- they'll be staying for a week or so! There's time to lay groundwork!

Next time: some downtime in Barley, before the night of the dragon fight and the execution of Saelhen's master plan.

[bubbebruja]

On the Death of Sirius Black and Literary Gay Bashing in Harry Potter

In 2003, I was ten, straight, and positively obsessed with Hermione Granger.

If those last two things sound a little contradictory, it’s because they were. I do not mean I was “obsessed” in the sense that I wanted to dress up like her for Halloween, I mean “obsessed” in the sense that I literally blushed anytime my mom read her name aloud to my sister and I.

Queer. I was queer. I just didn’t know it yet.

Thus, I didn’t notice the Sirius/Remus romantic subtext as a child, drinking hot chocolate propped against my sister’s knees and listening enraptured as my mom read to us from the most recently released Harry Potter book. When Order of the Phoenix came out, I was far more interested in Angsty Harry™ and the evils of Delores Umbridge, and when Sirius died, I was not even all that upset. I didn’t really like him all that much, knew even at that age that he embodied too many of the stereotypically “masculine” traits I had already grown to hate with his pride and brooding and emotional immaturity. I didn’t much care, much less recognize that JK Rowling had done something rather unforgiveable.

But others did.

Seventeen years later, I get it.

By 2003, many older, wiser readers had long since clocked the queer subtext between Sirius and Remus. And, when I picked up the books earlier this year to re-read them for the first time since they were read to me as a child, I saw it too. (Notably, this was prior to JKR’s most recent round of blazing transphobia, after which I stopped reading.) And, okay, yes, I am the type of queer who reads queerness into many things. But y’all, I really didn’t have to try all that hard this time. If I were reading these books for the first time in the context of 2020, I would assume Remus and Sirius were canonically a couple, and JKR just wasn’t bashing us over the head with clear evidence of it. She doesn’t do that most of the time anyway. By Order of the Phoenix, in my opinion, the evidence (as movie Dumbledore says so awkwardly) is incontrovertible. The living together? The joint Christmas present? The “Sirius, sit down” scene early in the book? The confirmed HIV/AIDS metaphor, IN THE 90S?? THEY’RE FUCKING GAY TOGETHER.

And here’s the thing, (and I have no proof of this, so you’re just going to have to roll with it): I think it’s pretty clear that JKR became more conservative as time progressed. Money tends to do that to people, conveniently. What started as a series about the power young people hold to defeat evil and fight injustice eventually devolved into a flaccid epilogue where heterosexual nuclear families abounded and there were (still) no visibly queer characters in sight.

By the time the final book came out, I was a full-fledged teenager, and I, too, had abandoned fantasies of fighting evil and injustice for fantasies of settling down with “my perfect man” (L. O. L.) So, I get it. I get that priorities change for young people. But for adults, especially those recently drunk on the power of infinite amounts of money and fame? Nah. JKR knew what she was doing. JKR laid all the groundwork for a possible relationship between Remus and Sirius and then changed her mind. Or was told to change her mind. Or was forced to change her mind.

I have A Lot Of Feelings™ about Tonks and Remus’s relationship (most of which are about the way their canonical relationship plays into a lot of really awful tropes about disabled people which, no matter how you read him, Remus is). And I have a lot of feelings about Sirius Black as a character. I have a lot of feelings about Dumbledore, some related to his posthumous outing and some not. And, like most of us now, I have a lot of feelings about the entire franchise as a whole. But here’s what I know: It doesn’t actually matter, because JKR didn’t just change the explicit relationship dynamics between Sirius and Remus, she quite literally killed any chances of queer romance.

And she didn’t just kill Sirius. She killed Remus, too. And Tonks (who is a genderqueer butch and I will die on that hill). And Dumbledore. And the cute, squeaky house elf with a love for clothes and an obsession with Harry. And the young Gryffindor boy who followed Harry around, constantly asking for photos and autographs. And – you know what? Fuck it. – the person who lived INSIDE ANOTHER MAN’S BODY before returning to his bodily form, during which time he relied heavily on his male servant who cut off a literal body part to restore his master.

Am I reading too much queer subtext into each of these characters? Maybe. But, as this lovely article states, “close reading is queer culture, always has been.” And I can’t help but notice that the vast majority of the characters JKR didn’t kill off are, well, pretty fucking straight. (Drarry shippers, feel free to come at me. I’m sure there’s plenty of queer subtext there, too). They’re, for the most part, characters with a clear canonical history of heterosexual romance, as if only those with a possible future of a heterosexual, nuclear family are worthy of survival.

And I just don’t think this was an accident. I think it was the intentional plan of someone who started to feel like the world of inclusion she’d created was being read as far too inclusive.

To call this “literary gay bashing” is a pretty serious accusation with a pretty serious use of a very loaded term. But the thing is, I think we too often let people like JKR off the hook without recognizing what her words – both literary and non-literary – have done and can do. We too often dismiss it with statements like, “she’s entitled to her opinion”. Gay bashing is the intentional abuse or assault of someone perceived to be a member of the LGBTQIA2+ community, physically or verbally, that often results in lasting harm or death. And I use this term to describe JKR’s work particularly because it is sensationalizing, because it calls violence what it is: violence. Because, sure, she’s as entitled to her opinion as anyone else. But the second you create a world where anyone, especially children, are going to see themselves, going to feel safe, your “opinion” better do as little violence as possible.

When I saw the first Harry Potter movie, back in 2001, I refused to discuss it for months. I was furious. At the time, I couldn’t quite pinpoint why, but I now realize that I was heartbroken that Hermione Granger didn’t look like me. When JKR described a girl with wild, brown curly hair, I saw me. I saw my hair. And so, as children tend to do, I saw the rest of me, too. I saw tanned skin and dark brown eyes and full lips and high cheekbones (the ones people always told me made me look “Indian”, which I only partially am). I saw the quiet confidence that develops when you’re the brownest kid in your school, ready to strike but only when provoked. The pale, arrogant, racially unambiguous Hermione Granger I saw on the screen made me feel dirty, cast off, unworthy of representation. The self-hatred I felt when White Hermione Granger entered the film alongside White Harry Potter and White Ron Weasley and White Everyone Else was a kind of violence.

And when JKR killed off all of her queer-read characters, she took that violence to another level. Because they were there, we saw them, we did not imagine the romantic undertones between Remus and Sirius, or the way that a shape-shifting young woman with short, spiky hair reads an awful lot like a person uninterested in traditional gender. We saw ourselves in the most beloved franchise of all time. And then, she took away those possibilities, and she took away those characters.

And you know what? People die because they can’t see themselves in media. People die because that’s what they’ve watched everyone like them do on screen and in books. It’s not harmless, and it’s not victimless, and it’s violent.

There’s only one solution to literary gay bashing: To Bash Back. We can and do write ourselves into the stories, into the world, and refuse to settle for explanations that gaslight us into thinking we imagined things that were never there, or ask us to settle for tiny crumbs of useless representation.

I intended to finish my most recent story, “Come Healing”, with an ambiguous ending that left the possibility of Sirius’s death open to reader interpretation. But then, JKR kept going, and talking, and kept creating violence, and I got mad. And so, like so many queers before me, I rewrote the story and changed the ending, and created love and security and peace and life where the canonical author had created hopelessness and death. And in the world we live in right now, that is radical. It is bashing back.

It’s tiny, but it’s something. Every time we write a happy ending for a queer character, we create the possibilities of happy endings for queer people everywhere. And no one – no matter how hard she may try – can take that away.

[dear-mrs-otome]

I REACHED THE END AND JESUS GOD WHAT A TRIP

(Victor with the BDE)

In which I blather random thoughts and shit so SPOILERS:

- Victor what the FUCK. You’re my babe, I love you son, but jesus the gaslighting was awful and this was not your finest hour. You smothered MC and actively tried to keep her in the dark! Not cool man, not cool at all.

- That said, I do love the fact that Victor’s glaring flaws here are clearly just an extrapolation of his strengths gone too far. He’s protective and worries about her already to begin with, and the incident at the end of Chp 10 and his fear of losing her are just acting like amplifiers, jacking his terror and anxiety sky-high and making him less than rational. I appreciate that he did seem to realize by the end that he was overreacting, and as hard as it clearly was for him he worked on backing off. Does his fear have anything to do with the fact that I’ve read he was kidnapped himself as a kid? Maybe. Possibly. I’ll be interested to see if that is explored in the future.

- Also? Time + Space? Bad. Fucking. Ass.

- Gavin shone here, for once doing a 180 on his ‘I’m going to keep you innocent and protected’ schtick and being the one to try and bring her into the world of Evolvers properly. He was a more manageable degree of protective, and this was definitely one of his better appearances. I’ve heard from spoilers that his codename is Hermes and that makes a ton of sense - not only the flying thing, but that Hermes was able to cross between the boundaries and barriers that separate the realms so easily. Is that why he was able to move between the dimensions so confidently? WE SHALL SEE. Also those last couple of slides SHIT SON you can swoop in and save me anytime <3

- Lucien did not disappoint when he went FULL ARES, but he also didn’t disappoint in the ‘clearly conflicted’ department either. I am so in love with his loyalties being torn, and I cannot wait to see more of his shady ass try and dance a jig that pleases everyone as long as possible. Also those hints of his Evol just raise more questions than answers! And now I’m thinking of how at the very beginning of the game it was discussed that someone was teleporting people around the city, just like he did?? In addition to his barrier-making?? CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER

- Kiro baby, baby boy. His heart is so large, I’m so afraid of how well he’s going to survive whatever awful they’ve got in store for him. The fact that his Evol is bringing other people pain is clearly tearing him up inside, and I hope he can get some control over it. I’m looking forward to him being the ULTIMATE HACKER who doesn’t need a computer to interface with tech anymore, and can re-program people too?!? Helios is an apt code-name now, especially with his mutation, because he’s bright and warm like the sun but getting to close will only burn you.

- I am living for how they’ve set up, possibly, the groundwork for the boys to be on opposing factions? We have Gavin already a part of the STF, and Victor who was approached by Commander Leto - I’m assuming because he wants Victor to be apart of/cooperate with them. And now we have Lucien who’s firmly entrenched with Black Swan, and Kiro being drawn into their web. Those brief moments of Lucien vs. Victor made me practically vibrate, and I can’t wait to see them square off. PLEASE LET ME HAVE THIS ELEX PLEASE.

- Did anyone else notice that the guys powers seemed to go haywire only after hugging MC? I mean maybe I’m reaching there. maybe they’d all hug her on the regular anyways, but it definitely seemed like things hit more of a crisis point after that.

- Side side SIDE NOTE - I’m so incredibly gay for Hot Bad Girl here. *sweats in bi*

[vegankids]

Gaslighting is when you try and convince someone that their experience isn’t true.

When we try and force children to keep eating after they say they are full, or convince them they aren’t hurt when they are, or tell them that what they are crying about isn’t worth crying about, we are telling them that their experiences aren’t reality. When we gaslight our children, they begin to question their own judgment. They stop listening to their intuition. They lose their sense of security and self-confidence.

We can teach our children resilience, empathy, and compassion by modeling those behaviors with them.

And most importantly, we stop gaslighting them. We stop telling them to buck up. We stop telling them that they are overreacting, being too sensitive, or crying for no reason. Our intent might not be to harm them, but the impact is what is important in these situations.

We can stop gaslighting our children by changing our perspective.

Instead of shutting down emotions, we reach out and try to understand what they are experiencing. We ask if they are OK instead of telling them they are OK. We empathize with them often.

We empathize by saying, “I understand how you’re feeling. I would feel that way, too, if I were in your shoes.” Validating someone’s experience is a powerful show of compassion and understanding. It might seem counterproductive to let a child sob on your shoulder about a seemingly inconsequential moment, but by allowing this freedom of expressing very human emotions, we are giving them the practice that they need to have a mentally healthy life. This article lays the groundwork for raising children that are incredibly resilient and emotionally healthy.

The choices we make now definitely impact our children, but could impact our grandchildren and beyond. When we stop gaslighting and start validating the experiences of the most vulnerable in our society, the result is a cycle of abuse broken, and happier, healthier future generations.

[sumrallmind]

Alright blew through the first two mspa adventures

First we have Jailbreak, or as I like to call it, “Moon logic pumpkin gaslight simulator” it’s an odd journey to be sure. I beleive this was back when the fandom was pretty small and it was much more manageable to have fans enter commands for people to do. As we venture into problem sleuth and especially homestuck, this will become much less viable. But, you can see how Huss has a pretty good grasp of old point and click adventure game logic and how to fuck it up in a fun way. This lays the groundwork for the future projects. Up until a long way into HS, Jailbreak doesn’t have an ending. It has a lot of unexplained moments that your are meant to shrug at an continue, accepting that its just weird. On the Subject of Weird, this is also where What Pumpkin becomes a running gag throughout the rest of the works. We also see some things like the pumpkin appearifier show up here.  Here’s quick shout out to the other things that appear later, mainly the pony, the stump with a gun, elves, and of course, gay porn.

Overall, this one is weird, but easy to follow and has some neat gags. Also some stuff didnt age well, but thats to expected for the time period it was written, and also for huss’s writing in general.

Bard Quest I think was the first real attempt at a choice your own adventure but it fizzes out pretty quick. The main takeaway is the codpiece. Overall its fine. it did give us this tho

  >Next for me is the Big One. No not that big one, the first Big One, Problem Sleuth. Fandom gets a little bit bigger here. Which. Good and bad, I suppose.

[socialattractionuk]

As curfews and lockdowns loom, cuffing season will be ‘curfing season’ for 2020

Do you actually want to be together, or are you just lonely? (Picture: Getty)

Every year the same tweets and Facebook posts start around this time: ‘Need a cuddle partner now the weather’s cold’ or ‘Who wants a partner for Winter Wonderland?’

Like the first leaves dropping in the autumn, these thirsty posts signal a season; cuffing season.

It’s the time of year where people are done flirting with Wayne Lineker at Ocean Beach Ibiza and spending every weekend in a beer garden and want the metaphorical cosy thermal PJs of a stable relationship.

Expect this year to see cuffing season to go into overdrive since – as we all know – things are up in the air more than they’ve ever been in our lifetimes.

We’re calling it ‘curfing season’, with reports of curfews and lockdowns prompting people to step up their cuffing game and ensure they don’t spend the festive season lonely as well as indoors.

According to figures from dating app Happn, 54% of singles are eager to find a new partner in the near future, so much so that two thirds said they’d change their lifestyle and download more apps to push things forward.

The difference between curfing season and standard old cuffing season is that you’ll probably smell a lot more desperation in the air – and those you’re talking to will likely want to fast-forward on the early stages and make things official much quicker.

Dating app comparison site Datingroo have seen a 91% surge in Google searches for ‘dating app reviews’, which they believe shows that people are keen to give themselves the best chance to find someone to share the lockdown blues with. 

Do you actually like each other or just hate being lonely? (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Alexander Patall, Dating Expert at Datingroo calls it catalyst dating, saying: ‘Since talks of a second wave, we’ve seen a huge surge in catalyst dating – as no one wants to do another quarantine solo!

‘Serial dating app users are on it all day, every day making sure they’re giving themselves the best chance to find a lockdown buddy to cling onto ahead of time.

‘It’s not human nature to spend extensive periods of time alone, and this only gets worse through uncertain times such as the current pandemic. Having a companion through isolation will provide comfort and more importantly a bit of fun!’

The only danger of this is that things will go so fast that you could end up locked down with someone new without really knowing (or truly liking) them.

Because we’ve heard so many stories come out of the first lockdown of couples who’d moved in after a short time or made things official with great results, it’s easy to assume this will be the same for everyone.

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However, without proper boundaries and communication, things might not be so rosy.

As yourself if you really want to be with this person and if this person wants to be with you before entering into anything serious. Are you both just looking for comfort and companionship in a difficult time, or is there a genuine connection that could grow?

Try, too, to have something of a ‘truth-telling amnesty’ early on. Perhaps there are major parts of their personality or lifestyle that don’t align with yours, so getting together and getting all baggage out in the open can ensure no skeletons are left in the closet.

There’s nothing like a global pandemic to make you reassess your priorities and decide that love is all you need.

Just make sure that it’s actual love you’re looking for, and not a replacement for that hoarded toilet roll in the corner to keep you company over winter.

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

  Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch at MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk.

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[socialattractionuk]

What is wokefishing and how can you spot it?

Have you been wokefished? (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

If you’re someone who’s comfortable being described as ‘very online’, you’ll have heard of catfishing, kittenfishing, blackfishing, and maybe even hatfishing.

But what about wokefishing?

You might not know what wokefishing means, but if you’re currently single and actively dating, you’ve likely come across it.

In the same way that catfishing is masquerading as another person and kittenfishing is using old and edited photos to present yourself in a more flattering way, wokefishing, too, is a form of deception that’s doomed to cause disappointment.

Coined by Serena Smith for Vice, wokefishing describes when someone pretends to hold progressive – or ‘woke’ views to lure another person into dating them.

They seem lovely at first, but the problem arises when you learn that their ‘wokeness’ is only for appearances – beneath the surface, they really don’t care.

A wokefisher might proudly declare themselves a feminist, add #BlackLivesMatter to their Tinder bio, or say all the right things when you talk about, say, trans rights, improving accessibility for disabled people, or providing free healthcare. They’re all about saying the ‘right’ thing to make themselves seem like caring, unproblematic people.

But once you get to know them, they’re actually sexist, racist, or hold deeply problematic views.

Perhaps they claim they’re proudly feminist, but are quick to slut-shame women who they decide have committed a terrible crime by enjoying sex. Maybe they’ll post a black square on Instagram, but casually use racist slurs when they’re with their friends.

If their words don’t line up with their actions, ask questions (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

When you prod just a little below the surface, a wokefisher will reveal that they don’t actually share your views or relate to your values, they were just saying what they needed to get into your life.

It’s difficult to call them out, though, because often they believe they really are as woke as they proclaim. How can you call them sexist when they constantly praise their working mum? How dare you say they’re racist when they dated a Black woman once?

You can spot a wokefisher by keeping an eye and ear out for those times their words and actions don’t reflect their initial claims. Don’t dismiss those discrepancies – yes, someone’s opinions can change and grow, but if it’s starting to feel like they’ve hopped on a hashtag or label for woke points but don’t actually do anything beyond calling themselves anti-racist/feminist/pro trans rights, listen to your gut.

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What is wokefishing and how can you spot it?

‘If it seems too good to be true, it usually is,’ Dr Carmen Harra tells Health. ‘Being honest from the beginning helps avoid mistakes that were made in former relationships,. It will save you much time if you come to the conclusion that this person doesn’t hold the same values as you. Allow yourself to be led by your intuition.’

In those instances, it’s important to know when the time comes to cut your losses and ditch the relationship. It’s tempting to try to educate someone, but if a person chooses to misrepresent their views and doesn’t even try to see your way of thinking – or constantly plays devil’s advocate – they’re probably not someone you want to dedicate all your energy to.

As Maya Angelou said: ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them.’

We’d like to add to the end of that: ‘and get the hell out of there’.

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

  Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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[socialattractionuk]

Life in lockdown has made us more open to virtual dating and long distance relationships

Will you continue to date over video chat once lockdown ends? (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Long after lockdown is lifted, some after-effects of the coronavirus pandemic may linger.

Our experiences in the last few months will likely have an impact on how we date, as one example, from FOMU (that’s fear of meeting up) in the short term to cosy nights in cocktail bars no longer being the go-to date.

New research from the dating app Plenty of Fish looks at just how the pandemic will affect how we form romantic relationships, by surveying 850 users about how they’re feeling about dating right now.

Turns out it’s not all doom, gloom, and an overwhelming fear of physical contact – our experiences in lockdown may actually change our approach to dating for the better.

66% of those surveyed said they now value deeper conversations more than they did pre-pandemic, likely because lockdown has meant dating takes place through lengthy conversations over phone calls rather than rushing into the physical stuff.

The survey points to daters becoming more open to connecting in new ways.

Seven in ten (71%) of those surveyed said they’d be happy to go on a virtual date once lockdown is over, while 33% would now be open to a long distance relationship. Months apart has allowed many of us to realise we can form strong bonds from a distance.

This is a trend echoed by the team over at Badoo, who told us video dating have become so prevalent in lockdown that a virtual date ‘will become a natural step in the dating process before meeting face to face’.

Our experiences in lockdown have changed the way we approach dating and relationships (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Badoo’s UK Brand Marketing Director Natasha Briefel told Metro.co.uk: ‘t’s a great way to get to know somebody beyond messaging, and it also means you can make sure they are who they say they are!’

All those virtual dates and socially distanced strolls may have changed what we look for in a date, perhaps as we’re no longer able to overlook personality clashes by searching for a physical spark.

18% said being socially distanced from dating has made them open to romance with someone who’s not their usual type, while 35% said they now deem looks less important than before.

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The most popular qualities people look for in a date (on Plenty of Fish, at least. People on other dating apps might still be superficial) are humour, shared interests, and authenticity – all important if you’re planning to have lengthy conversations, over Zoom or otherwise.

Shannon Smith, Dating and Relationship expert for Plenty of Fish, says: ‘Lockdown and self-isolation has clearly had an impact on how we date, but it hasn’t stopped singles from looking for love.

‘There are so many ways to get to know someone, and once you spark that initial connection, why not try a virtual video date? It’s clear from our findings that no matter how you’re dating, the best way to find love is to be authentic and true to yourself.’

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

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[socialattractionuk]

From isolationships to flu-merangs – here are the lockdown dating terms you need to know in 2020

Virtual dating is where it’s at (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

The pandemic has changed many aspects of our lives, including how we date.

In lockdown, we’ve said goodbye to one-night-stands, late night drinks or any form of real life interaction (though there are reports of some people sneaking out for a shag or not-so-socially-distanced date).

For the better part of 2020 so far, dating has been virtual – with phone and video calls galore.

Naturally, with a new dating culture comes new dating terms, and yes, the trends that they represent are just as awful as the ones we already know.

Through a recent survey, the dating website Match.com, has revealed some interesting findings, including that nearly half of all participants (45%) are ‘date-piling’ (stockpiling dates) for when lockdown, so they can meet people instantly after.

Visit our live blog for the latest updates: Coronavirus news live

Others (31%) are already in an ‘isolationship’ – they are exclusive with someone they are dating virtually but haven’t met yet.

Meanwhile, boredom in lockdown is also causing us to behave differently as 27% of participants report a so-called ‘flu-merang’ – being contacted by exes during the pandemic.

Others are experiencing ‘left on read rage’, as matches and dates are taking forever to reply to them, even though none of us have anything to do right now.

Ouch, that’s harsh.

Date-piling: Lining up real-life dates so you’re ready for when restrictions lift and can go on dates straight away.

Iso-boasting: Showing off your partner’s mad domestic skills during lockdown on social media.

Isolationship: A relationship that you’ve started with someone you virtually met during lockdown (you haven’t met IRL yet).

Locktail-hour: Having drinks video with a date you met online.

Quaran-teasing: Basically being a big tease and flirting with someone you don’t like just because you’re bored in lockdown.

Flu-merangs: An ex that comes out of the woodworks during the pandemic.

Pen-demic pal: An online match that you’re continously messaging with but haven’t had a phone or video date with yet.

Left on ‘read’ rage: the anger at a message being left on ‘read’ for an unacceptable amount of time, even though everyone is in lockdown and there’s nothing else to do.

Social-kisstancing: trying to flirt after lockdown when you have forgotten how to do it.

Ditching-hour: A clean-up of all your online dating matches because the conversation has dried up or they weren’t what you expected on the first video date.

Quarrel-tines: Arguments caused by miscommunication when dating apart, with messages ‘lost in isolation’ (being interpreted in the wrong way) .

OK, dating is hard – but it’s not as doom and gloom as it might seem.

The survey also showed that 12% of singles are now more determined to find a long-lasting relationship, and 40% have a stronger desire for love and affection.

‘Every aspect of our lives has been affected by the pandemic and our dating habits are no exception,’ said Hayley Quinn, Match’s dating expert.

‘We’re seeing singles use this time to approach online dating with a renewed vigour and putting in to practice new habits that they intend to take forward as social distancing measures ease and real-world dates resume.

‘With virtual dates becoming more common, singles have even more opportunities to meet their potential match and embark on the committed relationship they’ve been looking for.’

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From isolationships to flu-merangs - here are the lockdown dating terms you need to know

These aren’t the only new dating terms to come out of lockdown.

The language learning app Babbel has also released some lingual gems like Zumped (being dumped via Zoom) and Coronalingus (dirty talk, lockdown-style) and more.

Want to know more about how coronavirus is changing the dating game?

You’re in luck, we’ve created an entire guide on it.

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

  Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

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[socialattractionuk]

All the lockdown dating terms and trends you need to know about

Are you up to date on your lockdown lingo? (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

The coronavirus pandemic has dramatically changed what dating looks like.

A boozy post-work meetup has been replaced with a just-as-boozy video chat, breaking up over a phone call is suddenly acceptable (because you can’t exactly do it in person), and you can’t rush into getting physical because, well, that’s impossible to do with social distancing measures in place.

With those changes come new terms to describe the state of dating right now.

Language learning app Babbel has rounded up the new lockdown loving terms you should know about, all defind below.

Zumped: To zump someone is the dump them over a Zoom chat. This sounds callous, but it’s actually a pretty kind alternatie to the other options available: ghosting (far easier now they can’t come over and see you) or ditching with a single text.

Coronalingus: Dirty talk happening under lockdown, AKA the main form of sex in a pandemic.

Zoombombing: This one’s got multiple meanings. It can refer to someomne nefariously adding themselves to a Zoom chat (lock your calls, people), but it can also describe those awkward moments your live-in partner accidentally strolls into the background of a personal or professional call.

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On-nomi: Over in Japan there’s a term for drinking with your pals over video chat – which, of course, is now also our version of a date.

Quarantationship: A relationship formed in lockdown, whether that’s entirely over digital forms of communication or with whoever you happened to share a household with when lockdown came into place.

Quaran-teams: These are couples, often celebrities, who are embracing isolation together. Although spending so much time together can put a strain on any relationship, it may bring the quaranteam closer together. However, the most vocal quaranteams on social media are in danger of accusations of smugsolation – the flaunting of enviable lockdown locations online.

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

  Do you have a story to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

Share your views in the comments section below.

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[socialattractionuk]

Essential tips for online dating in lockdown (and the pandemic dating trends to watch out for)

Embrace the joy of getting to know each other from a distance (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Being single and actively looking for love in lockdown is strange… mostly because you can’t actually leave the house and meet anyone.

Physical intimacy isn’t a possibility (unless you smooch your housemates), but you can still date amid the coronavirus pandemic – just go to your usual online dating spots and build up the chat until you can meet IRL.

This new normal comes with its own hurdles. There are new dating trends to look out for, new challenges to overcome, and all the emotions of living in a crisis will have an impact.

We chatted to Rachael Lloyd, the relationship expert at eharmony, to get her wisdom on how to navigate these new choppy waters of dating in a pandemic.

Here are her essential tips.

Get creative

No, you can’t just go for after-work drinks or do dinner and a film.

But you can still do proper dates – just think outside the box.

‘Virtual dates don’t have to be boring,’ says Rachael. ‘Use technology to visit a virtual gallery, join a virtual book club or simply watch your favourite Netflix flick together.

‘These activities will be a good barometer for compatibility further down the line and give you the chance to show off a bit of personality ahead of meeting IRL.’

We’ve written a handy guide to a great video date, so do read that before booking in that FaceTime sesh.

Beware the pandem-ex

Rachael says: ‘One in five Brits (21%) have been contacted so far by a former love, a pandem-ex, during lockdown – but it’s best to resist temptation and see the approach for what it is.

‘There’s often a valid reason relationships break up, from a fundamental lack of compatibility to shifting priorities or betrayal.

‘So, if an ex comes virtually knocking stay true to yourself first.’

Video calls are a must (Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro.co.uk)

Embrace being able to get to know each other

Don’t think too much about what you’re missing out on (physical touch). Instead, embrace one of the benefits of dating in lockdown: you pretty much have to get to know each other on a deeper level before you get swept up in snogging each other’s faces of.

Schedule in some proper chat sessions (eharmony has a new video dating function for exactly this, but you could also use Zoom, FaceTime, HouseParty, or even the humble phone call) where you can talk for an hour or more.

Enjoy that oldschool thrill of flirty messages and talking all night. It’s kind of lovely to just talk.

‘While conversation should flow if you have chemistry, don’t be afraid to plan a few conversation topics in advance,’ Rachael recommends. ‘Not only will this help you avoid any awkward silences but allow you to find out exactly what you would like to know about a potential new match.’

Remember it’s okay to be single

If you’re not in the mood to date, don’t force it. Lockdown can be the perfect opportunity for solo time.

Rachael says: ‘Bear in mind being in a relationship isn’t the be all and end all and just because you have extra time on your hands, doesn’t mean you need to be having four virtual dates a night.

‘Instead, a bit of self-reflection may well make you realise that you have been chasing the wrong people, or could actually do with a bit of time on your own.

‘Take things at your own pace and trust your instincts.’

Ditch comparison

You know full well that comparison is the thief of joy, but the temptation to measure your experience up against others’ highlights on social media is even stronger in lockdown.

Remember that for every cutesy date night you see on Instagram, there’s an argument borne out of desperately needing some space from a significant other.

‘Don’t beat yourself up because you see friends or family in happy relationships,’ says Rachael. ‘This will only give rise to more feelings of pressure and dent your confidence.

‘The pandemic has impacted relationships too; couples who have only recently just met have had to move in together with no prior warning and many established couples are getting cabin fever.’

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

  Do you have a story of love in lockdown? Get in touch to share it by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.

Share your views in the comments section below.

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[socialattractionuk]

Now Christmas is over, prepare yourself for the miserable dating trend of snowglobing

Are you being snowglobed? (Picture: Metro.co.uk)

Now Christmas is over and we transition from a diet of leftover cheese and chocolate oranges to being properly functioning adults, it’s time to keep your wits about you.

No, not in the sense of starting the New Year fresh and full of vim and vigour.

Instead you must brace yourself for the risk of a cruel and unusual dating trend that threatens to drag you right out of the warm and fuzzy festive time into the cold, harsh reality of a post-Christmas winter.

Prepare for snowglobing.

The term, created by the good people over at Cosmpolitan, describes the occurrence of dating someone and having a wonderful time over Christmas, only to be dumped the moment January hits.

It’s snowglobing because for the brief time you’re dating, the person creates a cosy little festive cocoon in which everything is wonderful.

Inside the globe of their own creation, all the cutesy festive things take place.

They take you ice skating, you go to Winter Wonderland, you even exchange gifts. You’re lulled into a false sense of security, thinking that if you’ve been doing all this romantic stuff you must be on track for a longterm relationship.

Then, just as you’re preparing yourself to get back to work and back to reality, you’re dumped.

Your visions of a relationship smash into tiny pieces, like a snowglobe being chucked at the floor.

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The existence of snowglobing makes sense when you think about it. Consider the leadup to Christmas, cuffing season, making everyone think they want to be coupled up. Ponder all the Christmasssy things that are portrayed as best enjoyed in a relationship.

Then as you enter the New Year, you start to take stock and consider whether this bond is really worth taking into 2020, or if it’s best left as a fond festive memory.

Couples therapist Gary Brown says people tend to snowglobe because they either don’t want to be alone over the holidays, or they’re embarrassed to be single when everyone else is being cute and cuddly.

Our advice? Just be glad you got a present (and avoided getting scrooged).

After all, you’re far better off without someone who’s only with you because the Christmas spirit has made them feel romantic. Leave them in this decade and move forward free of the nonsense.

Dating terms and trends, defined

Blue-stalling: When two people are dating and acting like a couple, but one person in the partnership states they're unready for any sort of label or commitment (despite acting in a different manner).

Breadcrumbing: Leaving ‘breadcrumbs’ of interest – random noncommittal messages and notifications that seem to lead on forever, but don’t actually end up taking you anywhere worthwhile Breadcrumbing is all about piquing someone’s interest without the payoff of a date or a relationship.

Caspering: Being a friendly ghost - meaning yes, you ghost, but you offer an explanation beforehand. Caspering is all about being a nice human being with common decency. A novel idea.

Catfish: Someone who uses a fake identity to lure dates online.

Clearing: Clearing season happens in January. It’s when we’re so miserable thanks to Christmas being over, the cold weather, and general seasonal dreariness, that we will hook up with anyone just so we don’t feel completely unattractive. You might bang an ex, or give that creepy guy who you don’t really fancy a chance, or put up with truly awful sex just so you can feel human touch. It’s a tough time. Stay strong.

Cloutlighting: Cloutlighting is the combo of gaslighting and chasing social media clout. Someone will bait the person they’re dating on camera with the intention of getting them upset or angry, or making them look stupid, then share the video for everyone to laugh at.

Cockfishing: Also known as catcocking. When someone sending dick pics uses photo editing software or other methods to change the look of their penis, usually making it look bigger than it really is.

Cuffing season: The chilly autumn and winter months when you are struck by a desire to be coupled up, or cuffed.

Firedooring: Being firedoored is when the access is entirely on one side, so you're always waiting for them to call or text and your efforts are shot down.

Fishing: When someone will send out messages to a bunch of people to see who’d be interested in hooking up, wait to see who responds, then take their pick of who they want to get with. It’s called fishing because the fisher loads up on bait, waits for one fish to bite, then ignores all the others.

Flashpanner: Someone who’s addicted to that warm, fuzzy, and exciting start bit of a relationship, but can’t handle the hard bits that might come after – such as having to make a firm commitment, or meeting their parents, or posting an Instagram photo with them captioned as ‘this one’.

Freckling: Freckling is when someone pops into your dating life when the weather’s nice… and then vanishes once it’s a little chillier.

Gatsbying: To post a video, picture or selfie to public social media purely for a love interest to see it.

Ghosting: Cutting off all communication without explanation.

Grande-ing: Being grateful, rather than resentful, for your exes, just like Ariana Grande.

Hatfishing: When someone who looks better when wearing a hat has pics on their dating profile that exclusively show them wearing hats.

Kittenfishing: Using images that are of you, but are flattering to a point that it might be deceptive. So using really old or heavily edited photos, for example. Kittenfishes can also wildly exaggerate their height, age, interests, or accomplishments.

Lovebombing: Showering someone with attention, gifts, gestures of affection, and promises for your future relationship, only to distract them from your not-so-great bits. In extreme cases this can form the basis for an abusive relationship.

Microcheating: Cheating without physically crossing the line. So stuff like emotional cheating, sexting, confiding in someone other than your partner, that sort of thing.

Mountaineering: Reaching for people who might be out of your league, or reaching for the absolute top of the mountain.

Obligaswiping: The act of endlessly swiping on dating apps and flirt-chatting away with no legitimate intention of meeting up, so you can tell yourself you're doing *something* to put yourself out there.

Orbiting: The act of watching someone's Instagram stories or liking their tweets or generally staying in their 'orbit' after a breakup.

Paperclipping: When someone sporadically pops up to remind you of their existence, to prevent you from ever fully moving on.

Preating: Pre-cheating - laying the groundwork and putting out feelers for cheating, by sending flirty messages or getting closer to a work crush.

Prowling: Going hot and cold when it comes to expressing romantic interest.

R-bombing: Not responding to your messages but reading them all, so you see the 'delivered' and 'read' signs and feel like throwing your phone across the room.

Scroogeing: Dumping someone right before Christmas so you don't have to buy them a present.

Shadowing: Posing with a hot friend in all your dating app photos, knowing people will assume you're the attractive one and will be too polite to ask.

Shaveducking: Feeling deeply confused over whether you're really attracted to a person or if they just have great facial hair.

Sneating:When you go on dates just for a free meal.

Stashing: The act of hiding someone you're dating from your friends, family, and social media.

Submarineing: When someone ghosts, then suddenly returns and acts like nothing happened.

V-lationshipping:When someone you used to date reappears just around Valentine's Day, usually out of loneliness and desperation.

You-turning: Falling head over heels for someone, only to suddenly change your mind and dip.

Zombieing: Ghosting then returning from the dead. Different from submarineing because at least a zombie will acknowledge their distance.

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