#the great purple giraffe man

[winterrose527]

Sharing the most adorable cover that @sugaredrhubarb made for And There They Are

[luveline]

Hii!!! This is a request for Steve zombie!au

I don’t know how you do it but this au (and everything you write honestly) ITS AMAZING!!!!

I read that you wanted to eventually write about Steve+reader having kids so I was wondering if maybe you could write something like them talking about what they think their future would look like or Steve seeing reader interact with children and it just warms his heart… idk

Again, your work is truly so so so good, I love it!!

Hope you have a beautiful day <3

hi! thank you 🥺 I hope this is what you mean!! steve zombie!au ♥︎ fem!reader

On a rare day where you have work to do in the community and Steve doesn't, he misses you like crazy. He'd complain profusely about this wicked scenario to Robin, if only Robin weren't on shift too. As it lies, Steve is alone, bored and restless with your pillow pulled against his chest. 

Steve is functional. Steve is a fully grown man, with hobbies, interests, and a personality outside of being with you. But Steve is in love, and he isn't ashamed to admit that his very favourite hobby is being with you. You are the most interesting thing around. 

It's cold today, though he wears two pairs of socks, denim jeans, a long-sleeved shirt and a loose hoodie under the thick layer of blankets you keep on the bed. 

You must be cold. 

Your jacket's right there on the door. You'd forgotten to take it with you to the kitchen. 

Steve doesn't feel proud of himself, per se, but he also doesn't feel ashamed when he ends up in the doorway of the cafeteria. School is in session, their makeshift teacher Sammy standing near the dishes trolly with a whiteboard and pen. She's drawn a huge diagram of a piece of paper with cuts missing, and a smaller one of that paper seemingly after the cuts are made, labelled Origami Giraffe. 

He's surprised to see you near immediately, sitting at one of the cafeteria tables with a bundle of the community's youngest children (babies and toddlers not included). 

You're snipping at a sheet of paper slowly, hands held up so the dark-haired girl to your right can reach the crayons in front of you. 

"Will you cut mine for me next, please?" a blonde headed boy asks him. He's pale, and as Steve draws closer he can see the little boy's brown eyes. 

He kind of looks like me, Steve thinks, startled.

"Of course I will," you say gently. "You're a great artist, honey, I love all these purples and greens you're using." 

"It doesn't look like the driraffe." 

His mispronunciation has you smiling. It's an expression Steve knows well, your guilty bemusement. 

"That's okay! Do you know how many drawings of giraffes there are? Millions and trillions, and I bet none of them are as brightly made or as creative as the one you've made." 

"What about mine?" the dark-haired girl asks. 

You pause your cutting to peek at her giraffe. "That's so cute, I love it," you praise. "Wow, I'm sitting with the next Picasso's and I didn't even know it." 

Your voice… Steve's barely ever heard you speak like that. So soft, and so loving. 

Not that you don't speak to him sweetly, half the time he thinks your words are more love than sense, but this is new. That's how parents talk to their kids, how sisters talk to younger siblings, and aunties talk to niblings. It's a familial, mellow sound.

It kind of drives him crazy. He tightens his hands in the fabric of your jacket, head racing with thoughts he hadn't stopped to think of before. You with kids. You with a family, his family. Kids that look like you, that carry your features and your sweetness around for you when you can't.

Kids that don't look a thing like you, or him.

You put down the scissors and hand over a freshly cut, stand-up giraffe to one of the kids. It looks great, and the kid says thank you with a clumsy ardency that you clearly adore. 

"You're welcome, Nina," you say. "I'll do yours next, Hal, if you're ready." 

The blonde boy passes you his giraffe. Before you take up the scissors again, you look at the boy's front, and you laugh kindly. "Baby, your buttons are all wrong. They're wonky, see?" 

"Oh," Hal says, looking down, "I don't know how to do them."

"I can help, if you want." 

He nods voraciously. You start to correct his buttons in silence, and Steve isn't afraid to admit to himself that it's the last straw. There is something endearing, hypnotising about watching you take care of others, he thinks the forbidden words — you would make the most beautiful mother. 

You giggle and straighten Hal's shirt when you're done. "Tada." 

"Thanks," Hal says, sounding pleased. 

"You're super welcome. Stevie?" 

It takes Steve a second to realise you're talking to him. You're looking up at him where he's frozen, concern knitting together your darling brows. "Is everything okay?" 

"I just– brought your jacket. It's cold." 

You stand up from the table and pat Hal on the shoulder, a frown twisting over your face. 

"You look pale," you say, taking your jacket. You pull it on one arm at a time, and tilt your head back as Steve dives in to zip it up. "How are you feeling?" 

"I'm fine," he says. I'm going insane, he thinks.

"You caught me slacking off." 

"This is slacking off?" 

You huff a laugh. "Well, yeah. I should be checking the dates on a box of cornflour right now." 

"You haven't mentioned this," —he gestures vaguely at the table of art's and crafts— "before. Do you come in here a lot?" 

You hum as you wrap your hands around his wrists. You pull his hands to your shoulders, and grin when he gets the memo and gives you a hug. 

"Thanks for bringing my jacket." 

His hand scrapes up your back, trying to pull you closer when you're as close as you can possibly be. "You know how busy my schedule is." 

"I know." Your sarcasm is biting. "My poor boy." Less so. 

You pull away and he still can't believe it. You have an air of content about you, a lightness he's always amazed to see. 

"Sammy asks me for arts and crafts help all the time. The uh, apocalypse kind of threw a spanner into the works for most of these kids. Some of them don't know how to write, or use scissors. And we all know they barely need me in the pantry, they could replace me with a well organised book." 

"Do you like helping out here?" he asks carefully. 

"Yeah, I do." 

His head is reeling. 

The future is a long way away and right here at the same time. You and Steve could make something. 

He doesn't know what you want. Maybe you don't want kids, maybe you won't be ready for another ten years, but the possibility isn't something Steve can ignore. 

"You can stay and help if you want to?" you ask.

He doesn't have control over his own body when he nods, a panging ache in his chest for the possible future. You beam and lead him over to the table of children, taking up your scissors as Steve settles in a chair a ways away from you. 

"Hi, guys, this is my boyfriend, Steve. I bet some of you have seen him before. He's gonna help us with the cutting out, okay?" 

Steve smiles at the gaggle of little faces that turn his way. "Hey, guys. I'm a way better cutter outer than Y/N, so if you want the best giraffe you gotta ask me." 

Some are old enough to understand his sarcasm, and some aren't. He's delighted when Hal, the blonde-haired, brown-eyed boy, turns to you to stroke your arm. "It's okay," he says, "I still think you're the best one." 

"Thank you, Hal." 

[p1nkshield]

Hello! Welcome to chapter nine! I hope you like it!

“Rocks.”

“Concrete.”

“Steel.”

“Rocks.”

“Concrete.”

“StE-”

Alfred took the plate Jason was holding before he once again phased through the floor.

Jason landed with all the grace of a newborn giraffe. He was just about to let a slew of expletives fly until he saw Stephanie. She was in the middle of wrapping the Batmobile in purple chrome.

“WOW! Timbers was not kidding about you dropping in every once and awhile!”

Oh no, if Jason garners the attention of Steph he’s never going to be able to met his goal.

“Do you want me to help?” Stephanie’s face only showed mischievous intent.

“No.” Jason got up and began cautiously shuffling his way back to where he was.

“Come on! I wanna help!” Steph followed him the whole way up.

“No!”

Danny has seen many a curious scene. A giant monster made of meat, an evil back shaver, a baby pirate, but this was both surprising and entertaining. One moment Jason was refusing the help of a person he’d never seen before and the next he was gone.

“Come on! oop!” Stephanie whipped her head around.

“No! Your help isn’t helpful!” Jason’s voice was coming from where he was a moment ago.

“Oh! You did it!” Danny exclaimed.

“Did what?” The interruption caused Jason to pop back into view.

Danny demonstrated with his own powers. “You turned invisible! Your whole body too! When I was starting out it was just my hands!”

Stephanie was too stunned to speak for a moment.

“So another thing I have to worry about doing on accident?” Jason said this exasperatedly as he began to sink.

“Hey umm.” Danny tried to point out the situation.

“Nonono! Solid thoughts! Tungsten, Kevlar! Granite! Steel!”

“Water in a sieve!” Steph recovered from her stunned state at the possibility for mischief.

Jason slipped through the floor again.

Danny stuck his head through the floor “You almost had it! Try to slow down your molecules next time!”

Bruce returned to his home to see his Batmobile in a glitter purple hue and his second oldest son falling through the ceiling then subsequently the Batmobile.

“Jason are you alright?”

A muffled “yep” came from under the bedazzled Batmobile.

This was the 24th time he’s fallen. he’s almost halfway through his bet and he just fell in front of the old man. Of all people this was the worst option. He really doesn’t want Bruce to see him like this.

“Jason?” Bruce couldn’t find him. Did the net fail? Is he somewhere in the crust of the earth? Was he on the other side of the globe?

“Yeah?”

Oh. Invisibility. Okay.

“Perhaps I could contact Martian Manhunter about dealing with intangibility?”

“Please.”

“Alright.”

Stephanie was laughing her way into the bat cave until she froze. “Sorry Jason I couldn’t pass up the opportunity-”

Bruce very quietly said a single word. “Stephanie”

Such a statement even silenced Danny who was also laughing at the Batmobile’s new exterior.

“And that’s my queue to leave! Goodnight everybody!” She said, scrambling for an exit.

“Wait for me! I don’t want to die again!” Danny followed.

“Great those two get along too swimmingly.” Jason said, clambering his way from under the purplemobile.

“I agree.”

@skulld3mort-1fan @addie-lover-of-stories @ivymala07 @nottmuchtopost @stargazer-luna a @icecweme @dontfightmecauseillcry @seraphinedemort @tinybrie @kyrianclawraith @spoopyspoony @joyfulcollectordreamland @luffyrose @nixthenerd @darkstarsapocalypse @lemccr @busterkeel @britcision @inthereellife @vythika96 @chrysanthemum9484 @blankliferain @sara0055 @pike-s @xye-chan @blackroselina @malice-of-the-sunrise @gin2212 @meira-3919 @undead-essence @onlyhereforthechaos @charcoalstainedbones @ectoradiation @persephoneblackrose @farmercale @claudiashq @boo-ghosties @56thingsinaname @insomniaxonline @thefanficcup @terzatheunderscorerima @wolfeyedwitch @mys-tia

[thygoddessouijathicc]

Gunshot (DSAF Fanfic)

(Disclaimer: I’ve not been doing great lately with keeping up with my fics, and I’m sorry this has taken so long because of that. There will hopefully be a mass upload soon. 

Also, I’m not a doctor so I don’t know exactly how this stuff works bare with me. I’m just a weirdo who likes DSAF, creative writing, and the occasional nice spot of gore. I did look at an article on first aid for this particular type of wound to keep it somewhat accurate, but it may be a little off. Feel free to murder me in the comments for my medical malpractice.)

It was a relatively normal day at the Fazbender’s pizzeria, although it didn’t feel that way. All day it had felt like something was off, like something bad was going to happen.

Everyone had felt it, even Matt seemed slightly uncomfortable, his smile less pronounced than usual. Which honestly was an improvement but it was still creepy.

Jack and Dave had spent most of the day hiding in the Saferoom playing Uno.

Of course phoney comes in to yell at them from time to time, but they just ignore him.

The two men were enjoying this day despite the sinister aura, of course they were, they were in the Saferoom which had a very particular lack of Matt.

Eventually the fun had to come to an end however, when Dave did something that he never could have known was anything but harmless; he complained about being hungry.

Jack had brought food today (that had been the deal, he brought food, Dave brought Uno), but they had long since run out. 

Initially Jack ignored Dave’s complaints as they didn’t have to wait much longer until their job was over and they could go home, but he wouldn’t stop. 

Eventually Jack accepted defeat and ordered a pizza (yes they were in a pizzeria, but even with both of them being nigh unkillable zombies they weren’t willing to risk consumption of the toxic waste Freddy’s tried to pass off as pizza.)

“When is it gonna get here! I’m dying!” Dave whines, “You’re looking more appetizing by the minute. If it’s not here soon we’re finally going to find out if you’re an orange or a tangerine.”

“Relax Aubergine, it’ll be here in 5 minutes, company guarantee. Also if you try it I’ll tase you.”

“I’ll eat your taser. I’ve done it before.”

“Pah! Empty threats I’d tase you till you fucking exploded.” Jack says, taking out the taser in question and activating it as a sort of threat. 

Dave was unperturbed, simply snatching the taser, and with a smug face, swallowing it whole, the object making for a strange outline travelling down his giraffe-like neck.

Jack’s face was one of fear, astonishment, slight arousal and annoyance.

“We were talking for about 5 minutes Sportsy, better go get that pizza~” Dave says, with a wide smile across his purple face.

Jack just sits there for a moment, staring blankly, Dave acting as if he didn’t eat a taser. Eventually he silently stands up and basically runs out of the room.

Dave lays back in his place (he had brought a pillow in, stolen from Jack’s house of course, so he wouldn’t have to lay on the filthy floor.)

A few minutes later he hears a gunshot. 

Dave just rolls his eyes, he doesn’t care if someone got shot.

He does however care that 12 minutes later his Sportsy isn’t back.

Suspecting that Jack had been caught by Phoney or abandoned him Dave stands up and for the first time that day, leaves the room.

It doesn’t take long to find Jack.

The orange man is laying in a pool of his own blood with a clear bullet wound visible on his chest staining his uniform a horrible crimson, the wall behind him has an indent in it for where the bullet impacted, seemingly having gone the whole way through. Fortunately the wound is on the right side so it didn’t hit Jack’s heart. Unfortunately it seems to have fully punctured his right lung as Jack now lays on the ground breathing shallow, and his frantic movements slowing.

He’s alive. Barely. And whoever did this got away.

Dave rushes to Jack’s side and grabs his shoulders. “HOLY FUCK OLD SPORT ARE YOU OK?!?”

Jack looks like he wants to say something but can’t. Probably because he’s now drowning in his own blood and that makes talking slightly difficult.

Dave has absolutely not dealt with something like this before. Sure he’s been shot, he recalls dying that way once, although he could be wrong because he was pretty high at the time he thinks it may have happened.

However being shot doesn’t exactly teach one what to do when someone else is shot. Especially when you either died from it and used borderline magic to shake it off, or happened to have a surgeon father figure who unfortunately for this situation never explained how to do any of this. Well Dave wasn’t exactly sure Henry was a surgeon, but he did say he was a doctor and had spoken about doing them before.

Although Dave mostly saw him as one because of a strangely vivid dream he had of waking up on an operation table with his chest open, his heart in Henry’s hand and when he panicked Henry injecting him with something that ended the dream.

Back to the matter at hand, Dave had absolutely no idea how to help Jack at all. Although at the very least he knew he couldn’t help him here and thus decided to pick up a barely conscious Jack and carry him back to the Saferoom.

Dave propped Jack up on the pillow he had brought.

Fortunately sitting up was exactly what Jack needed because now that he was no longer on his back he could let the blood escape his mouth.

The tangerine broke into a violent coughing fit as Dave watched in horror, and then, as if he had done it before, he shakily reached up to his mouth and shoved his fingers to the back of it, activating his gag reflex and prompting him to puke up massive amounts of blood on the floor.

“S-sport…” Dave manages to stutter out, most definitely not having expected Jack to do that.

“I’m pretty much immortal so I should be able to survive this.-“ Jack says between heavy coughing. There’s a strange hissing sound coming from his bullet wound. “Without treatment probably. I’ll… I’ll still probably need you to… help… so I don’t die now.” Jack’s voice is fading as he collapses on his side, breathing heavily.

Dave sits him back up again and Jack immediately repeats the same process as earlier, puking up the blood filling his lungs.

“How can I help ya?” Dave says, uncomfortable with seeing Jack in such a pathetic condition.

“…cover… holes…” Jack manages to choke out, visibly getting weaker.

Dave stands up, scanning around the room for something to cover up the bullet wounds with.

His eyes land on a roll of duck tape. He snatches the tape off the table and presents it to Jack. “Will this do Old Sport?”

“…yeah… just… shirt… off…” Jack seems to be fading faster by the minute. Jack is ALMOST immortal, but not quite. He’s still quite killable but can survive more. If Dave doesn’t act soon he’ll really be gone. Dave isn’t sure what he’d do in a world devoid of Sportsy, they’d been together so long that having him die on him… no it’s best not to think about the worst case scenario. Jack WILL survive. 

Dave strips off Jack’s shirt, noticing the blood around the wound foaming. He wipes it aside with his sleeve then starts to apply the duck tape over the bullet wounds, adding probably far more tape than he needed.

Jack hacks up a little more blood and then lays back, breathing deeply. 

“That was a fucking close one.” Dave comments. 

“I’ll say.” Jack says flatly, still recovering. “Is this my pillow that went missing?”

“…no.”

“Sure it’s not. Stop breaking into my house.

“I don’t want to~” Dave purrs. “The fuck happened anyway how did you get shot?”

“It was the Candy the cat fucker. He broke in again and I didn’t have my taser on me because SOMEONE ate it, so I couldn’t stop him. He shot me, and then bolted. I don’t think he realized the gravity of what he was doing until then.”

“Sorry Sportsy…”

“For what? You just saved my miserable life. Ok maybe I don’t like the fact that I’m alive upon further consideration but I doubt I’d prefer being dead.”

“If I hadn’t eaten your taser none of this would have happened.”

“Yeah well it was honestly pretty funny and it’s more of a mild inconvenience once the bullet wounds are covered.” Jack shrugs, before wincing in pain.

“Still…” 

“I promise you I’m not mad. You’re forgiven. You just need to buy me a new taser.”

“Well if you’re happy I’m happy. You still haven’t gotten me food. I’m not a patient man, Old Sport.”

“I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to…”

“Good then we can pick up some MacDongalds on the drive to your apartment.”

“…I take it that that’s your special way of inviting yourself to my home again?”

“Oh absolutely. I’ll never give up an opportunity to go home with my Old Sport, plus, you clearly can’t drive right now, and my home situation is… not one. I got evicted last week because all Fazbender’s pays is tokens and you shockingly can’t pay your rent in tokens.”

“Sure you can if you get a good landlord.”

“…Say Sportsy does that apartment building of yours have any places for sale?”

“Nope, looks like your stuck in the dumpsters Aubergine man.”

“):”

“Oh don’t be like that…”

“))))):”

“Fine you can stay in my apartment until you can get your own.”

“:D”

.

.

.

The two didn’t talk much on the drive to Jack’s apartment. They didn’t need to. Jack was resting, still shirtless, which Dave definitely didn’t mind- wait no, gay thoughts bad. Not right now. They both knew Dave wouldn’t need any directions to get to the apartment.

They stopped at McChungis where Jack ordered nothing but a small burger smothered in horseradish, and Dave ordered a truly unholy amount of fries and milkshakes. (McDangDangDanglds accepts fazcoin!)

Once they reached the apartment building and parked, Dave helped Jack limp up to the elevator, where they terrified a young woman with a child with both their mannerisms and Jack’s bullet wound.

They eventually get to Jack’s floor and find his room after some trial and error (Jack didn’t remember his room because it was a somewhat new place, he was running on adrenaline, and he was tired. Fortunately but creepily, Dave did.)

Once they get into the apartment, Jack sits down.

“So, what should we do now Spo-“ Dave is interrupted by the sound of Jack loudly snoring, now curled up on the couch.

Dave picks Jack up bridal style and brings him to his room, laying him down gently. 

Just as he’s about to walk away Jack pulls him back instinctively. Dave decides he’s tired anyway and he’s always up for anything that puts him closer to Jack, so he lays down beside him.

“I love you.” Dave mutters under his breath before falling asleep.

“I love you too…” Jack replies, it’s hard to say if he were awake or not.

(Note: Again, sincere apologies for this taking 100 years to make, please do give Reqs I’m just slow but I will get to them.

Well anyway I hope you enjoyed your Ouija brand Davesport with a side or bullet wounds!)

[infernalmechanic]

Tag Nine People You'd Like to Get to Know Better!

Tagged by: the lovely @justanothermultimuse !

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐑(𝐒): teal, wine red, various shades of blue & purple

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑(𝐒): vanilla, most/various curries, green apple, tomatoes, sesame, onions, strawberry, cranberry

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐈𝐂: all kinds of OSTs from various media (movies, shows, musicals, etc), Steam Powered Giraffe, Orville Peck, Bloodywood, The Hu, Miracle of Sound, Thomas B. Wild Esq., A Tribe Called Red/The Halluci Nation, etc

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆: "Song to the Sun: Dawning" by Jonathan Williams, from Horizon Zero Dawn

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐕𝐈𝐄(𝐒): the LOTR and Hobbit trilogies, RRR, Pacific Rim (not the sequel tho), the first 3 PotC movies, Magnificent Seven (2016), the del Toro Hellboy movies, The Book of Life, Promare, Stardust, Beauty & the Beast (the OG Disney one), Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Sea Beast

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐌𝐎𝐕𝐈𝐄: rewatch of the Fellowship of the Ring

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒: Tiger & Bunny, Netflix's Castlevania (OG & Nocturne), Transformers Prime, Our Flag Means Death, The Dragon Prince, Great British Baking Show, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Netflix's The Witcher, Binan High Earth Defense Club LOVE, Classicaloid, Mushi-shi, Hellsing (Ultimate)

𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒: the latest ep of Spy X Family

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆: youtube, RedBard's video on IzumiCon 2018

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆: The Black Count (a biography of Thomas-Alexandre Dumas, the well-known author's father who was the main inspiration for the Count of Monte Cristo story)

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐋𝐘 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐍: art! (for potentially another BG3 OC lmaoooo)

𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄𝐒: Horizon Zero Dawn/Forbidden West, Stray Gods, Hades, Baldur's Gate 3, Ghost of Tsushima, Final Fantasy 16, God of War Ragnarok, Persona 5 (& Strikers), Marvel's Spider-Man 2, most of the Steamworld games (Dig 1 & 2, Heist, Quest), the Yakuza series

𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄: none

Tagging: anyone who wants to tbh! [not sure who all's done this]

[gods-no-longer-tread-here]

#this show is so fucking good. im so fucking glad i took a chance#s2 DEFINITELY has more to say on this op!!! enjoy it!!!#centaurworld

@redandfranticfeelings THEY CERTAINLY DID AND PARDON ME WHILE I SCREAM ABOUT IT also hi everyone I have more feelings now that I have properly digested that finale.

okay first of all, Durpleton breaking the cycle of abuse in Hootenanny is like. So Fucking Important To Me. almost entirely because my parents also broke the cycle of abuse and it's So Beautiful to see this weird giraffe-man stand up for himself in the exact same way my mom and dad did (although less violent than my dad). I'm so happy that Stabby validated his decision, too, and said in no uncertain terms that he was doing a great fucking job. BECAUSE HE WAS DOING A GOOD JOB. (ignoring the fact that his "baby" was a literal fucking middle-aged soldier lkaghpaieshads I love you Stabby)

I read on the fanwiki that there was a deleted scene with Glendale's parents waiting for her and oh my GD I wept. I wept so hard. but she's grown up so well and started her own wellness cult and everything; she's passing on coping skills that help her, and teaching others to recognize what they're hiding from.

Ched is confirmed gay and trans and a victim of hatecrimes and therefore I will protect him with my Life even though he's mean to Horse. also like. he used his tulip-stepping skills in battle and beat the shit out of a dozen guys 500x his size??? incredible. A+ 10/10 no notes.

I ship Stripes-on-Stripes, Zulius and Splendib deserve to be fabulous together and become the hottest models in Centaurworld. They're Best Friends. They're Vicious Rivals. They're In Love. They are my new favorite Gay Old Men Who Fight With Parasols. GIVE ME MY ZULIUS SPINOFF SERIES.

also like. I didn't like the beartaur. he was a dick. but he's also a good friend, supportive of Human Princess, and willing to break into an evil dude's lair with her. Heartbreaking: Second-Worst Person In The Show Is A Loving Friend.

he is second worst because the General is the most evil character. the elk started creating monsters because he wanted a herd! he wanted a family!! he wanted to feel whole and like he belonged!!! the thing that caused him to kill was going mad with grief--and from the start to the end, the Nowhere King was always willing to repent, if only to his beloved. he was ready to be destroyed. the Nowhere King was a shell, a skeleton, and he still just wanted the suffering he caused his love to end. (he was still evil. he did evil things. but he submitted to her wholly, twice. he is slightly less evil than the General.)

I'm glad the elktaur was made whole before the princess killed him. it was good, to make both parts of himself feel guilt, and grief. to be told to his single face that she would have loved him completely the way he was. it probably broke his heart. it probably made him feel shame. that's a good thing. he died knowing that he was wrong, and that's more than the General would've felt.

and I continue to believe it was perfect for the princess to be the one who killed him. he'd already killed himself for her. she finished the job. she deserved that certainty. that knowledge that he could never hurt anyone in her name again.

ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT RIDER'S PURPLE FLOOF-HAIR, SHE MATCHES HORSE NOW!!!!!

I still have so many feelings about the trauma in Centaurworld s1.

the tree shamans couldn't bring back Wammawink's herd, because what she needed wasn't for the dead to rise, but to heal. bringing back her family would not have fixed the trauma of knowing they were dead--murdered brutally and torched. necromancy isn't therapy.

the Be Best Competition is focused on appearances and distraction. there is talent on display, but you're not rewarded for artistry or passion, only novelty--or appealing specifically to the particular taste of one person (Johnny Teatime). And you don't even get to enjoy being the winner, because tomorrow you have to compete again if you want to keep the sash. You wake up in the morning and have to choose between being a cut-throat performer who will tear down their friends and loved ones to be closer to fame, or being an audience member--a nobody, because you aren't Performing hard enough. (or you can be normal like David and considered a joke)

the beartaur is definitely a fatphobic stereotype, but also he's a fucking asshole because he see the very real pain and death caused by the war as something Fun To Look At; he's not processing his grief, he's using the grief of others as toys. like the middle class white dudes who obsess over the Vietnam war or collect N*zi "memorabilia" instead of maybe dissecting the fact that their grandfather was a cruel, evil man because he obeyed orders to torture and murder other human beings, and it fucked up his brain chemistry.

the whale shaman herself is a metaphor for suicide, addiction, any form of unhealthy coping mechanism that relies on numbing yourself to everything--not just the hurt. she thinks she's helping (like the people who offer you drugs when you're grieving to "take your mind off things"), but all she does is deprive. I'm really glad she changes, by the way. it is so important that people realize you do not have to disappear from the world. you can stay. you MUST stay.

the human woman's boyfriend turned evil so she locked him in the void and... what, expected everyone else in two entire universes to just never wonder at the Rift and maybe find another way to open it? she expected everyone to share her shame and despair, and lose the ability to hope or fight for those they loved? she let the knowledge of the very real danger fade from everyone's minds, because she personally didn't feel like she could do anything?

I'm almost definitely going to add to this after I finish s2

[bunnyywritings]

what the hell is going on?

masterlist - next chapter

word count: 1k

[a/n: i lied...i started writing and it just felt right so uh surprise!! this is a shoji x reader fic...the agenda continues. anyways, i apologize for the quality, i’m trying to get back into the groove of writing. well, enjoy chapter 1 of this mess.   -yours truly, bunnyy  -`ღ´- ]

“You know what, that is a great question Denki...that seems like a question for your Hero Laws professor.” Midnight clasped her hands together awkwardly, quickly muttering,”I’m sure Shota would love that.”

You snickered from beside Kaminari and elbowed his side.

“Anyways! That’s it for today class. Please make sure to turn in your ethics case study by tonight. I’ll probably be up till 2am, so that’s your deadline. Now get out of here.” She grinned as everyone started to pack their things. 

“Hey! Sero, Mina, and I were gonna grab some coffee before English. Wanna come with?” Denki looked up at you from his seat as you situated your laptop in your bag and tossed it onto your shoulders. 

“Uhh yeah, sure.” He glanced down at his watch. “I’m pretty sure Shinsou is still on his shift anyways.” 

So the both of you waited by the quad fountain until a familiar head of pink har came into view. 

“You know...when you say ‘be there in 5 minutes’, it’s usually overcompensation for ‘I’m literally right around the corner.’ Not ‘I’m halfway across campus!” You scoffed, all in good fun. 

“We were not ‘halfway across campus!” She rolled her eyes, using over dramatic air quotes. “It literally took us-” She paused to look down at her phone. “Three extra minutes to get here!” 

“Yeah, three whole minutes (Y/n)!” Sero joined in. 

You hooked your arm around Mina’s,“Well let’s go then!” 

“What’s the rush? We have like half an hour before Mic’s class?” Sero asked as he fell in step with Denki. 

The blonde smirked.

“It’s because a certain someone is working at the cafe today!” He watched in amusement as a blush burned your cheeks. 

“Oh shut up Kami!” 

“REALLY?!” Mina gasped. “WHO IS IT?” 

“It’s no one, really-!” You clambered to come up with a response. 

“Ohh my god! It’s Shoji, right?” Sero smacked Denki’s arm. “It has to be! Aizawa basically scolded her for drooling all over him!” 

“I did not drool, Sero!” 

“Then why are you so red right now!” Mina squealed in laughter. 

“I-It’s hot today...that’s all.” 

“Sweetheart, it’s about 55 degrees today. It drizzled this morning and you’re wearing a jacket. There’s absolutely no way you're hot right now.” Sero sneered, 

“No, no. She is hot.” 

“Denki don’t even-” 

“Hot for Shoji!” 

“Ugh screw all of you!” You pouted, placing your palms over your cheeks in a desperate attempt to cool off. 

The topic quickly changed over to Midnight’s Ethics essay. 

“It’s been a week, how have you not started?” 

“I find I work best under pressure.” Denki shrugged ‘matter of factly.’ 

You scoffed in disbelief. 

“Yeah, and I’m a giraffe with a unicorn horn.” 

The four of you entered the campus cafe, the warmth making your nose feel a little fuzzy. 

“Hey guys! Welcome in!” Kirishima flashed a toothy grin as he waved at you all. On bar, just behind the counter, you could make out a familiar head of purple hair. Shinsou looked up from the milk he was frothing and made quick eye contact with Denki before focusing his attention to the pitcher in his hand. What you didn’t miss was the faint blush on his cheeks. 

As you all approached, you could also see Midoriya making a few drinks as well. 

“Hey uh, where’s Shoji?” Sero leaned against the counter, wiggling his eyebrows at you. 

“Oh Shoji? He just went to grab some ice.” Kirishima gestured to the door that probably led to the back of the cafe but, as if on cue, Shoji walked out with the bucket in hand. Seemingly noticing all the eyes on him he paused and waved with his free arm. 

“Hey everyone, how’s it going?” 

“Good, just chillin’. Ya know?” Denki answered slyly. 

“Sounds good.” He nodded before he made eye contact with you. “Hey! You’re usual, right?” 

You just stared, wide eyed before Mina reached over and tugged on your sleeve. 

“Oh right! Uhh hey!” A nervous grin found its way to your lips. “Uhm yes, yes my usual would be great...t-thanks.” 

“Great! I’ll get right on it.” And with that, he turned to continue whatever he was doing. 

After we all paid, we sat at a table to wait for our drinks. 

“Oh man, he’s whipped.” Sero shook his head. 

“Can we not start this again?” You facepalmed. 

“I’m just saying.” He raised his hands up in surrender. “He didn’t know anyone else's usual, and we’re all here about the same amount. Just admit it.” 

“I-” You were cut off by your phone ringing. Frowning, you pulled it out of your pocket, quickly answering it. “Hey Iida, what’s going on?” 

“Are you anywhere with a tv?”  Glancing around, your eyes landed on the tv a few feet away from the table. 

“Yeah, why?” 

“Turn it on, go to channel 6.” Then he ended the call. 

“Oop, okay...bye?” 

“What’s up with Iida?” Mina quirked an eyebrow. 

“I uhm, I’m not sure. Hold on.” 

Getting up, you made your way to the counter. 

“Hey Eiji, do you have the remote for the tv?” 

“Huh?” He looked up at you before glancing under the counter. “Yeah. Knock yourself out.” 

“Thanks.” You muttered, taking the remote from his outstretched hand. 

“What’s going on?” Denki was visibly tensing up at the worry clearly on your face. 

Ignoring his question, you got a little closer to the tv and turned it on, skipping channels until finally finding number six. 

“A news channel?” You muttered, confusion deepening. 

“-multiple cases of violent cannibal attacks spreading throughout Seoul last night. Authorities are still baffled at what could possibly cause these attacks. The public has been informed to be vigilant and stay calm for the time being-” 

The reporter was cut off by the emergency broadcast playing through the speakers, colored bars replacing the broadcast. 

“Attention students, this is headmaster Nezu speaking. Please stay calm and stay in doors. If you are not inside a building, please enter the nearest one and enter the safety of a classroom. If you are in the dormitories, please lock your doors and stay in your rooms until further notice.” 

You could feel the anxiety rise through your body, fingertips shaking, heart beating, cold sweat starting to form on your brow. The tense atmosphere grew when screams could be heard outside. 

Everyone’s head snapped to one of the wall length windows, a student had just tackled another to the ground and...tore a chunk of their neck….with their teeth...

There was blood everywhere. 

“What the fuck was that?!” Denki covered his mouth in shock. 

Without missing a beat, Shoji and Kirishima ran to the doors and locked them. Bringing down the metal security gate and securing it in place.   

“What the hell is going on?!” 

The remote fell from your hand and clattered to the floor. Your knees giving out and meeting with the hard tiled floor. Hands buried in your hair as the panic gripped your lungs, squeezing all the air from them.  

Yes Mina, what the actual hell is going on?

[unsupervisedpanda]

Not according to plan

Liam Dunbar x Reader

This is a one shot where you are Scott's little sister and the pack saves you, and you bond with Liam. I know stupid but hey.

"Y/n hurry up!" Scott hollered up the stairs to his sister, you.

"I'm coming! Coming coming!" You hollered back quickly pulling your sneakers on.

Scott stated that you were coming with him to a pack meeting. Apparently you could be in danger if he left you alone. You sprinted down the stairs slipping down three before catching yourself.

"I'm ready let's go!" You hollered grabbing your backpack and sprinting out the door.

Scott quickly followed you and you both hopped into Stiles' Jeep.

Driving to Derek's didn't take as long as you thought, but his home was pretty isolated and creepy.

"Scott you have some weird friends..." You said taking in the whole houses' appearance. Scott just shrugged and walked up to the porch knocking on the door.

"Derek, it's Scott!" He hollared. A tall man came to the door glaring, and if looks could kill you would so be dead.

"Oo someone is cranky." You teased.

He growled at you. Literally growled. Before you could say or do anything Scott interjected.

"Derek, this is my little sister y/n. Y/n this is Derek." Derek had a look of understanding and then he smirked.

"So you're the little runt Scott and Stiles were talking about! The one that couldn't protect herself!" He looked smug as your face turned red.

Oh yeah you were really pissed, even so you smiled.

"And you sir must be the sour wolf I'm told about who doesn't know when to pull his head out of his ass!" You grinned smugly.

Derek looked pissed but just glared.

"Anyway let's get inside. The pack meeting needs to be started. Immediately." Scott growled a little annoyed.

"Right." Derek grunted turning and walking inside your brother, Stiles, and you following close behind.

"They're here." Derek stated leaning against one of the walls.

"Y/n! It's so nice to see you again!" Lydia shrieked.

You smiled.

"Hey Lyds. Where's Ali?" You inquired tilting your head. It took all she had not to squeal.

"She couldn't make it today but I promise I'll let her know you said hi." You were about to respond when Derek interrupted.

"Listen girls this isn't a reunion. This is serious. So stop jabbing, sit down, and listen." You growled at him your eyes changing from sweet and innocent to ready to kill.

"Look mutt I suggest you don't tell me what to do." You smiled once again and sat down.

The mood change surprised everyone in the room, including your brother, except for one. Liam. He'd seen that side of you before. When a girl was being bullied, you stood up for her. The guys had run away with piss streaming down their legs. He would've laughed had he not known why. He was terrified himself and he was pretty far away.

"Alright! Calm down guys we need to figure out this whole thing. There is something targeting out friends and families and we need to stop them." Scott interrupted Liam's thoughts.

"Right, but do you have any idea what you are looking for or are you just fishing for ideas?" You inquired.

Everyone looked to you and then down slightly shameful.

"Great! You morons were planning on just going in blind and hoping for the best! That wouldn't work and it's reckless and stupid." You exclaimed.

Honestly if they do this all the time how the hell are they still alive and not trying to kill each other?

"Look runt you are only here for your safety so shut your yipping trap." Derek growled obviously pissed you were giving an opinion.

"Okay hot shot what's your big plan then?" you crossed your arms glaring.

He opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it.

"Exactly. None of you have a plan. How do you plan to protect your friends and family like that?" You sighed.

They had no answers.

"Okay guys don't pout about it. Work on it. Let's get to work!" You smiled softly, giving everyone a little nudge in the right direction, and a light of hope.

~Le time skip to an hour later~

"Everyone got that?" Scott asked as he looked at everyone in the room.

Soon everyone agreed and knew what to do.

"Great let's hope this works. Y/n let's go." Scott grabbed your backpack handing it to you.

"K Scotty~" you sang skipping out to the Jeep.

"She's cute." Derek grunted to Scott.

"And smart." Lydia added walking out the door.

"Yeah. I'm sure she'd be a great asset to the pack Scott. Keep her safe and close." Derek stated.

Scott nodded and went outside to meet with you and Stiles.

"Let's go home guys." Scott smiled.

Once you arrived at the house it was around 9:00 so you went up to your room and watched some YouTube. Just random videos and somehow you had ended up on a how to talk to giraffes video. You laughed uncontrollably for a while until you heard something at your window making you stop. You looked at your alarm clock. 11:23pm. Where did the time go?

You walked towards the window and looked out your phone gripped tightly in your hand. A snarling something jumped at you from outside scaring you terribly. You fell backwards and your heart raced. Your breathing became labored and you quickly crawled into the hallway.

"Scott! Scott the thing is here and wants to eat me!" Your voice quaked as you slipped into your brothers room.

You looked around but didn't see him. You quickly grabbed the baseball bat in the corner and hid in his closet calling your idiot brother. Bzzz! Bzzz!

"Hello? Y/n?"

"Scotty I swear to God if you don't get your ass here now-" You were cut off by glass shattering in your room.

"Y/n oh my god are you okay? Y/n!?" Scott asked his voice full of brotherly worry.

"Does it sound like I'm okay!? Please hurry!" You trembled.

Scott was about to answer when snarls filled the house. You hung up on your brother and held your mouth trying not to cry. Everyone had agreed to stay in pairs but here you were. All alone.

"Guys! We've got to go! This thing is after y/n! This was a decoy!" Scott yelled.

Everyone looked at him and finished their fights with the decoys, then sprinted to their cars and sped to the McCall's house.

~~~Back to you~~~

The snarling thing soon came to Scott's room sniffing you out. You were terrified. You gripped the wooden bat tighter ready to swing. Soon the closet door which you locked from the inside began to shudder. This thing was trying to get in!

"Oh my god." Your voice broke.

The shuddering immediately stopped. You were tempted to step out, but you'd seen the movies and that never ended well.

"Scott, please hurry." You whispered.

Just as your heart was beginning to calm down the closet door flew off the hinges and that 'thing' stared down at you. Your throat closed, leaving you gasping for air. The creature had spikes surrounding it's body, beady red eyes, rows and rows of teeth, clawed hands, a large hunched over body with a small, boney, skeletal skull. You quickly grabbed the bat and swung. It's head went flying off into a corner of the room. You expected the creature to fall dead, instead it walked over to it's head and picked it up, and placed it back onto it's body, a cracking sound filling the room.

You screamed loudly and ran out of Scott's room, bat still in hand. You rushed down the stairs slipping down them. All of them. Your breath was taken out of your lungs, but you quickly stood up and ran outside. No, you were not going to die like this.

You turned around and looked into the house. The creature was on the roof, beady eyes never blinking at you. Your breath caught in your throat as you quickly turned and sprinted into the woods. As if your luck wasn't bad enough the creature chased after you. That being said you were thankful Scott and Stiles insisted on teaching you how to run and dodge during a chase.

"H-holy hell!" You screamed.

This thing had to be 7 or 8 feet tall. You looked for an escape but saw none except for trees and a highway up ahead. A highway. You ran faster and hoped your judgement was right. As you sped onto the road you saw headlights. The car stopped immediately, but it wasn't any car it was a Jeep.

"Y/n!? What the hell are you doing!?" Stiles exclaimed.

"Running!" You yelled back as you quickly jumped into the back seat.

"Drive. Turn this thing around and DRIVE!" You screamed as the thing came out of the woods after you.

"Holy crap!" Stiles yelled hitting the gas. Scott was sitting in front quickly turned around to face you.

"Y/n, are you okay? How the hell did you out run that!?" He exclaimed as Stiles sped away from what ever that 'thing' was.

"I just ran! It came into the house and tried eating me! I hid in your closet with your bat, and-"

Stiles cut you off.

"Seriously do any of you play baseball!?" You and Scott glared at him.

"No." You both answered with deadpan expressions.

"Anyway! The thing IS STILL FOLLOWING US!" You shrieked as you looked behind you and on to the road.

Stiles took a sharp turn and headed towards the high school.

"Y/n! Does this thing have any weaknesses you could find!?" Scott inquired.

You looked at him your e/c eyes wide in shock.

"None. I knocked it's head off and it just walked over and put it back on." You stated still watching the 7 to 8 foot tall beast follow.

Once you were at the high school you ran to the lacrosse field, Scott and Stiles close behind.

"What the hell! Y/n are you okay?" Lydia quickly checked on you and soon gasped.

"Oh my god." She whispered.

Everyone was looking and you began to panic.

"What? What is it?" You stammered.

"Y/n did the thing touch you at all?" Derek questioned glaring at your back and side.

"No. Not at all I wouldn't let it get close enough." You answered.

"Then why do you have scratches and bruises?" He asked again as if you were guilty of something.

"I-i fell down the stairs. All of them. And also ran through the woods...?" You answered hoping it would satisfy him and his prying eyes.

" Right." You soon realized why everyone was gasping.

In the little time you had fallen your whole back and your ribs were blue and purple and red.

"Ouch!" You yelped when Lydia pressed on your spine.

"Look we don't have time for this the thing is-" you were cut off by a screetching. Everyone turned and saw the spiked beast.

"Still out there." You finished your voice soft.

"Liam! Get y/n out of here! Now." Scott ordered as they all went in for the attack.

Liam grabbed your hand dragging you to the locker room.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?" He whispered checking you over himself.

"I- I am fine. Promise." You smiled.

In all honesty your back hurt like a bitch and you were worried about your brother. You were also terrified the thing would kill everyone you cared about and then would eat you making you suffer.

"You know I can tell when you are lying." Liam smirked at you softly.

You looked at him and rushed into his arms wrapping your arms around his neck sobbing into his shoulder. He was right you were lying, but after what you had been through who wouldn't be terrified?

Soon Stiles came in for both of you but found you both asleep on the floor in Liam's lap. He reported it to Scott, but they both knew you guys had a home to be too. Scott picked you up and took you to the Jeep, and Stiles woke Liam. Everyone was just ready to go home.

A/n

Soooo whatcha think? Good? bad? Anyway I hope you enjoyed this story! Have a magnificent time you unsupervised critters! 🐾💞

[panickypansexual]

Tag Game! :D

Relationship Status: Loved and cherished

Favorite colors: I like all colors, actually, but I like purple the most!

Favorite foods: I love sweets, medium rare (on the rarer side) steak, plain cheese pizza, spaghetti, or just a plain bowl of rice. When it comes to fruit I am rather picky and prefer tart stuff like cherries, apricots, and strawberries. I eat vegetables on occasion but not nearly enough (I enjoy leafy greens, broccoli and carrots). I have a lot of other favorites in general. Believe it or not, I like food.

Song stuck in my head: Shiny Smiley Story (Holocure’s menu music). Tends to be a side-effect of streaming it for 4 hours, but totally worth it. It’s so catchy!

Last interesting thing I googled: Essential Expressions Chart 

Dream Trip: Brain says Okinawa at the moment, but I’d like to visit a lot of places. Unfortunately, traveling is very stressful for me, even when it’s fun. 

Time: 9:02pm 

Last book I read: No clue. Nowadays I just read Wikipedia articles and fics mostly. I need to get back to doing more reading; it’s relaxing.

Book I enjoyed reading: It was from awhile back, but I really like Sing Down The Moon for some reason. I don’t think I’ve read it as an adult before, though. Same with stuff like the White Giraffe. I have great memories of ‘em though! I ought to reread them sometime soon. Maybe before bed.

Book I hated reading: legitimately drawing a blank on this one. It’s been a while since I’ve read anything, and I tend to forget about the stuff I didn’t like reading that much and lost interest in. 

[Bonus!]

Favorite thing to cook: Do not trust me in the kitchen whatsoever. I want to learn how to cook at least the basics one day, though. Currently I only know a few things, and it’s mostly just boiling noodles.

Favorite drink: Water when I’m dehydrated in the morning. Hits different, man. I also could really go for some kool-aid right now. In general I love juice and capri suns.

Fandom pet peeve: I only like spending time in small circles, preferably isolated ones. I want serotonin, not drama. I write/read fics and enjoy fanart, but otherwise I try not to wander. It’s just not worth the stress for me. I adore my current circle though. 

Day or Night Person: I am a night owl, though my sleep schedule is currently completely inverted and even I hate that. Cross your fingers for me. I need to fix it, lol.

People I wanna get to know better: I tag @officialmollymauktealeaf ,  @theawkwardqueerturtle , @mr-brightside-is-a-chick  and @tugboatcaptain 

....as well as anyone who would like to fill this out, but it’s optional of course. 

[mommagranate]

Alphabetized lists of ACNH Bugs and Fish, with no extra text or photos, for model collectors making checklists! Just paste the lists into your notes or word app and convert to checklist style.

Agrias Butterfly

Ant

Atlas Moth

Bagworm

Banded Dragonfly

Bell Cricket

Blue Weevil Beetle

Brown Cicada

Centipede

Cicada Shell

Citrus Long-horned Beetle

Common Bluebottle

Common Butterfly

Cricket

Cyclommatus Stag

Damselfly

Darner Dragonfly

Diving Beetle

Drone Beetle

Dung Beetle

Earth-boring Dung Beetle

Emperor Butterfly

Evening Cicada

Firefly

Flea

Fly

Giant Cicada

Giant Stag

Giant Water Bug

Giraffe Stag

Golden Stag

Goliath Beetle

Grasshopper

Great Purple Emperor

Hermit Crab

Honeybee

Horned Atlas

Horned Dynastid

Horned Elephant

Horned Herucles

Jewel Beetle

Ladybug

Long Locust

Madagascan Sunset Moth

Man-faced Stink Bug

Mantis

Migratory Locust

Miyama Stag

Mole Cricket

Monach Butterfly

Mosquito

Moth

Orchid Mantis

Paper Kite Butterfly

Peacock Butterfly

Pill Bug

Pondskater

Queen Alexandra's Birdwing

Rainbow Stag

Raja Brooke's Birdwing

Red Dragonfly

Rice Grasshopper

Robust Cicada

Rosalia Batesi Beetle

Saw Stag

Scarab Beetle

Scorpion

Snail

Spider

Stinkbug

Tarantula

Tiger Beetle

Tiger Butterfly

Violin Beetle

Walker Cicada

Walking Leaf

Walking Stick

Wasp

Wharf Roach

Yellow Butterfly

--------------------

Anchovy

Angelfish

Arapaima

Arowana

Barred Knifejaw

Barreleye

Betta

Bitterling

Black Bass

Blowfish

Blue Marlin

Bluegill

Butterfly Fish

Carp

Catfish

Char

Cherry Salmon

Clown Fish

Coelacanth

Crawfish

Crucian Carp

Dab

Dace

Dorado

Football Fish

Freshwater Goby

Frog

Gar

Giant Snakehead

Giant Trevally

Golden Trout

Goldfish

Great White Shark

Guppy

Hammerhead Shark

Horse Mackerel

Killifish

King Salmon

Koi

Loach

Mahi-mahi

Mitten Crab

Moray Eel

Napoleonfish

Neon Tetra

Nibble Fish

Oarfish

Ocean Sunfish

Olive Flounder

Pale Chub

Pike

Piranha

Pond Smelt

Pop-eyed Goldfish

Puffer Fish

Rainbowfish

Ranchu Goldfish

Ray

Red Snapper

Ribbon Eel

Saddled Bichir

Salmon

Saw Shark

Sea Bass

Sea Butterfly

Sea Horse

Snapping Turtle

Soft-shelled Turtle

Squid

Stringfish

Sturgeon

Suckerfish

Surgeonfish

Sweetfish

Tadpole

Tilapia

Tuna

Whale Shark

Yellow Perch

Zebra Turkeyfish

[librarianbusdriver]

Ted: Okay, where was I? You were telling us how you met mom. In excruciating detail. Right. So, back in 2005, When I was 27, My two best friends got engaged, And it got me thinking, maybe I should get married.

*Sigh*

And then I saw robin. She was incredible. I just knew I had to meet her. That's where your uncle barney came in. I suggest we play a little game I like to call Wait, no, no, no. We're not playing "have you met ted?" Hi. Have you met ted? So I asked her out. But after just one date, I was in love with her Which made me say something stupid. I think I'm in love with you. What?! Oh, dad. So then what happened? Nothing. I mean, I'd made a complete fool of myself. So, a week went by, and I decided not to call her. So you're not gonna call her? You went from, "I think I'm in love with you"

Trapped, the same hollow, dull story repeating again, and again, and again all around me. No way to change its course. No way to do anything but just... watch.

To "I'm not gonna call her"? I wasn't in love with her, okay? I was briefly in love with the abstract concept Of getting married. It had absolutely nothing to do with robin. Robin. Hi. Look who I ran into. Since when do you guys know each other? Oh, since about... Here. Lily recognized me From the news and... Hello, sailor! They just got engaged. Well, I should get back to the station. See you, guys. Nice seeing you, ted. Yeah, you, too. Thanks. What? Damn it! I'm in love with her. As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse. You blew it, it's over, move on. I don't know, I just have this feeling She's the future mrs. Ted mosby. ( Lily squeaks) Lily, you squeaked? She said something about me, didn't she? Come on, spill it, red! Fine. So, what do we think of ted? ( Iaughs) Ted's something else. Huh. I'm gonna spin that as good. Lots of guys are something, I'm something else. Comes on a little strong. But, that's part of my charm. But, that's part of his charm. Oh, totally. I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, He's just looking for something A little bit more serious than I am. I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual. This just stays between us, right? Are you kidding? This flapper? Fort knox. Oops. She wants casual. Okay, I'll be casual. I'm going to be a mushroom cloud of casual. Cause it's a game... I want her to skip To the end and do the whole happily-ever-after thing. But you don't get there unless you play the game. So, are you going to ask her out? Yeah... No! I can't ask her out, Because if I ask her out, I'm asking her out. So, how do I Ask her out without asking her out? Did you guys get high? I got it. I don't ask her out. I invite her To our party next Friday. We're having a party next Friday? We are now. Casual. Like inviting a hundred people over just to mack on one girl. Oh, and lily, that's my leg. You waited five minutes to tell me that? All right, so call her up. No, calling's not casual. I just got to bump into her somewhere. Now, if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter. That's great, ted... you'll be the most casual stalker ever. Put that ring on her finger, lily had been, Well, extra affectionate. ( chuckling ): Baby, no. I have a 25-page paper on constitutional law due Monday. Hey, I'm just sitting here, wearing my ring,

Wallachia, how I miss you.

My beautiful ring. ( Typing) Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kind of don't want to wear my shirt anymore. Or... My underwear. That's right, I'm not wearing any. ( Sighs ) No underwear? Not even slightly. Ted: Guys. Boundaries. Robin ( on tv ): Thanks, bill. I'm reporting from the razzle dazzle supermarket On 75th and columbus... 75th and columbus. Game on! Where four-year-old leroy ellenberg has climbed Inside a grab-a-prize machine and gotten stuck. ( Panting ) And, all in the pursuit of a stuffed, purple giraffe. For metro news 1, I'm robin trubotsky. Engineer: We're clear. Robin: Thanks, don. Whew. Ted. Robin, wow! What are the odds? Oh, you know, just, uh, shopping for, uh, dip. I love dip. I mean, I don't love dip, I like dip... ( chuckles ) so, uh, hey, you, uh, Reporting a news story or something? Yeah, kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news. Wow. Kid in a crane machine. Mm-hmm. You just had to have that toy, didn't you? Couldn't play the game like everyone else. You're all sweaty! Cute kid. Um, you know, It's so funny I should run into you. We're, uh, we're having a party next Friday, If you feel like swinging by. But, you know, whatever. Oh, I'm going back home next weekend. It's too bad it's not tonight. It is... It's tonight. This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Sorry, I guess I've been saying next Friday all week. But, yeah, it's tonight, the, uh, the party's tonight. But, you know, whatever. ( Phone rings) Hello? Hey, am I interrupting anything? No, no, I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books. Yeah, well, you and lily Might want to put some clothes on. We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye. What are you gonna do when robin shows up? Okay, I got it all planned out. She steps through the door... and where's ted? Not eagerly waiting by the door. No, I'm across the room at my drafting table, Showing some foxy young thing all my cool architect stuff. So, robin strolls over, and I casually give her one of these: "hey, what's up?" She says, "hey, nice place, et cetera, et cetera." And then, I say, "well, make yourself at home." And, I casually return to my conversation. Then, an hour later... "oh, you're still here?" I say, like I don't really care, But it's a nice surprise. And then, very casually: Both: The roof! Get her up to the roof, And the roof takes care of the rest. What's so special about the roof? Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline. You can't not fall in love on that roof. We do it up there, sometimes. Solid plan, my little friend. But, may I suggest one little modification. Barney: That foxy young thing you were chatting up, Take her up to the roof and have sex with her. Crazy monkey style... That's not the plan. Barney: Well, it should be the plan. I mean, look at her. Ted, look at her. She's smoking! Thank you! Yeah... But, she's not robin! Exactly! Ted, let's rap. Statistic: At every new york party, There's always a girl who has no idea Whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, And you will never see her again. Do you see where I'm going with this? Barney, I don't think so. ( groans ) Scoping.

I miss it all. The childhood spent in that bountiful castle, the beauty of those rolling green fields...

( Imitates sonar beeping ) Scoping. Man, you're a dork. ( Accelerates beeping sound ) Target acquired! Now it's time we play a little game I like to call "have you met ted?" oh, come on, not this. Hi. Have you met ted? No. Hi. Hi. Do you know marshall? Lily? Woman: No. Hmm. Do you know anyone at this party? I work with carlos. Excuse me. Anyone know a carlos? No. No. On a silver platter. Bon appétit. I don't think so. Your loss, her gain. Excuse me. Can I show you the roof? It's magical up there. Sure. Ted: Wait, wait. Hey, hey, I got that roof reserved. Dude, robin's not coming. Hey, she's going to show up! She'll show up. Ted: She didn't show up. At least it was a great party. I ate, like, four whole cans of dip. You always know what to say, old friend. ( Phone ringing ) It's robin. No, no, not right away... got to seem casual. ( Ringing continues ) Hello? I'm so sorry I missed your party. Who is this? Meredith? Robin. Oh, robin! Hey! Yeah, I, uh, guess you never showed up, did you? No, I got stuck at work. But, they finally got that kid out of the crane machine. Did he get to keep the purple giraffe? Yeah, they let him keep all the toys. He was in there a long time, And little kids have small bladders. ( Chuckles ) robin: I wish your party Was tonight. It is... the party's tonight. Yeah, uh... It's a two-day party, 'cause that's just how we roll. Uh, so, if you want to swing by, you know, it's casual. See ya. So, that was robin. What are you Doing to me, man?! I got a paper to write! I know! Sorry! It's terrible! I'll buy more dip! Ted! Ted, wait! Get french onion! Can you believe this guy? I got a paper to write. Okay, fine. But, it's got to be, like, super-quick, And no cuddling after. I'm the luckiest girl alive. You were so right about the roof! The roof! The roof is on fire, ted! That girl from last night... I took her back to my place, Spun her around a couple times and sent her walking. She will never find her way back, and there she is. How did she get here? Did you invite her? I have no idea who that is. She said she works with carlos. Who's carlos? I don't know any carlos. ( Frustrated groan)

The conquests... the blood of my enemies spilled, and villages burnt to the ground in my name.

Hi, you! You're back! I sure am. Mmm. Come on, sweetie, I need a drink. "Sweetie"? Really? ( Barely audible ): Help. Whoa! Whoa, rabbits! Come on, I got that roof reserved. All right. So, it's over between me and works-with-carlos girl. Whoa! That was fast. Yeah. I was trying to think, What's the quickest way to get rid of a girl you just met? I think I'm in love with you. What?! Thanks, bro. Glad I could help. What the... No, no, no. Come on. Sorry, ted. Great. What am I going to do when robin shows up? She'll show up. She didn't show up. All right. We threw two parties. Everybody had fun. Everybody wanged, everybody chunged. Now, the kid has got to get to work, And the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me. I will not have sex with marshall. Both: I will not have sex with marshall. ( Phone ringing ) It's robin. Hello? Hi, ted. Amanda? Oh, denise! Sorry, you totally sounded like amanda. It's robin. Oh, robin. Hi. I totally wanted to come. I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there. I'm sorry I missed your party, again. Hey, ain't no thing but a chicken wing, mamacita. Who am I? I guess there's no chance your two-dayer Turned into a three-dayer? It did, indeed. The party continues tonight. Yeah. Uh, last night, people were like, "keep it going, bro. Party trifecta." Wow! Okay, well, I'll be there. Great! See you tonight. So, that was robin. So, I threw a third party for robin... On a Sunday night. Well, this is lame. Lame... Or casual? Lame. Or casual? Hey, law books. Ready for a little 15 minute recess? Sorry, baby, I got to work. I need all my blood up here. Has anybody seen an introduction to contract tort And restitution statutes from 1865-1923? Anybody seen a big-ass book? All ( muttering ): No. Woman: Hello, barney. Of course. You look well. Is it weird they invited both of us? Who? Who invited you? No one even knows who you are! I understand you're hurt, but you don't have to be cruel. Carlos was right about you. Who is carlos?! Hey, where the hell is my...? Oh...! Okay... An introduction to contract tort And restitution statutes from 1865-1923 Is not a coaster! Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw not one, Not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met Who's probably not even going to show up! I mean, where is she, ted, huh? Where's robin? Hi. Hi, robin. Wow. So, you threw all these parties for me? No. Oh, you thought that... No! I... Okay, yes. You got me. One of the reasons I threw these parties Was so that I could introduce you To, um, this guy. Uh, I figured, you know, Since it didn't work out between us And now we can just laugh about it... ( laughs weakly) Anyway, robin, this is... Carlos. Oh! Oh! She's still talking to carlos. I can still win this. I-it's not over. Okay, buddy. Time for the tough talk. Robin seems great, but let's look at the facts. You want to get married. And right now, There's a million women in new york Looking for exactly you. But robin ain't one of them. She's not just one of them. She's the one. Yeah, well, the one is heading up to the roof. What are you going to do? Nothing. It's a game. I got to just keep playing it. ( Rock music playing ) Ted... Hey, carlos, can you give us a minute? Hey, no sweat, hombre. See ya. Robin...

Will I ever be freed of this damnable place?

Look, I didn't throw this party To set you up with carlos, Or the one before that, or the one before that. I threw these parties because I wanted to see you. Well, here I am. There's something here, look, unless I'm crazy. You're not crazy. I don't know, ted. I mean, we barely know each other And you're looking at me with that look. And, it's like... Like, "let's fall in love and get married And have kids and drive them to soccer practice." I'm not going to force sports on them Unless they're interested. ( Iaughing ) It's a great look. But you're looking at the wrong girl. No, I'm not. I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever. I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you Or break your heart, and... I just couldn't do either of those things. Just like you can't turn off the way you feel. Click. Off. Let's make out. What? What? That was the off switch. And I turned it off. I mean, look, sure, yes, I want to fall in love, get married, blah, blah, blah. But, on the other hand... You, me, the roof. There's no off switch. There is an off switch. And it's off. No, it's not. Yes, it is. No, it's not. Yes... It is. No, it's not. You're right. There's no off switch. God, I wish there was an off switch! Me, too. ( Both laughing ) ( both muttering nervously ) What do we do now? We could be friends. Oh... I know it sounds insincere when people say that, But... We could. I don't know, robin. I've made such a jackass of myself here. We start hanging out, every time I see you It'll be like, "oh, that's right. I'm a jackass." You're not a jackass. Look, I'm sorry. I only moved here in April and I'm always working And I just haven't met a lot of good people so far. But I understand. Well, uh, maybe in a few months, After it's not so fresh, We could all, uh, you know, get a beer. Yeah. That sounds good. I'll see you, ted. Or, you know, now. We could all get a beer now. I'd like that. My friends are going to love you... Like you, you know, as a friend. Jackass. Unbelievable. That's just a recipe For disaster. They work together! Are you jealous? Oh, please. What does carlos have that I don't? A date tonight. All: Oh! Stop the tape. Rewind. ( Imitates tape rewinding ) a date tonight. All: Oh! I'm not sure I like her. Hey, don't you have a paper to write? Dude, you're talking to the kid. I'm going to knock back this beer. I'm going to knock back one more beer. I'm going to write a 25-page paper. I'm going to hand it in and I'm going to get an "a." My name is rufus and that's the trufus. ( Iaughter ) Ted: He got a b-minus. But still, 25 pages in one night, b-minus? The kid was good. At least let me buy you a beer. Come on, I'll buy everyone a beer. I'll help carry. You know something, ted? What? You are a catch. You're going to make some girl very happy. And I am going to help you find her. Well, good luck. I mean, maybe new york's just too big a town. I mean, there's millions of people in this city. How, in all this mess, Is a guy supposed to find the love of his life? I mean, where do you even begin? Hi. Have you met ted? ( Music rises over dialogue )

I do not know if I can, but I must.

[STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB]

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUUU-

[infernobot]

TEETH?

Teeth?

By InfernoBot

I had just finished recording, and was carrying my dog in from the office, when my mom handed me an envelope. Once I had my sweet pupper nestled into a blanket, I joined her on the couch and slit open my mysterious delivery. Inside was no note, just a brochure to something called ‘Furnal Equinox’ and an accompanying plastic badge bearing the image of a anthropomorphic dog, (maybe it was a wolf), wearing a graduation cap and gown.

As my eyes scanned the glossy pages, my excitement grew; some lovely person had sent me a weekend pass to a furry convention! This was my big chance to make a video detailing my adventures through a mass gathering of one of the internet’s most maligned and misunderstood subcultures. Over the coming weeks, I studied the brochure, read up on the panelists online, noted every question about the furry fandom that popped into my head. My itinerary for the whole weekend was mapped out. 

Super chats and KoFi tips managed to cover the cost of a bottom-barrel airline ticket, and I got a great deal on an Air B&B from a charming indiginous woman named Semide, whose sisters had enrolled in college and left their rooms vacant. She was even kind enough to include meals as part of the deal. The weekend of the con finally rolled around; I threw my things in a bag and I was off to Toronto.

Eighteen hours and three layovers later, I was sitting at my host’s kitchen table with a warm towel draped over the back of my neck, sipping a cup of coffee. It turned out Semide was a naturopathic healer and knew some kickin’ remedies for aches, pains and jet lag. I don’t put much stock in essential oils, but damn if I didn’t wake up feeling fresh and ready to face the day the next morning. The convention was being held on the waterfront about nine blocks from Semide’s place, not too bad for a walk, and I reckoned I could make the trek each day. 

I left late in the morning, well after the con had opened. No sense waiting in line, I figured. It was three blocks from the Westin Harbor Castle, when I saw the first fursuit. 

There was no explaining the rush of exhilaration I felt. This was real. This was happening. I was gradually being surrounded by dozens of people decked out in bright, elaborate costumes. Some that couldn’t afford full suits wore just heads and gloves, giving a ghoulish Frankenstein’s monster appearance to their character. Or the wolf-man caught mid transformation after being bitten by a neon fox in a rainbow pride shirt. The less daring, or particularly destitute, settled for headbands with animal ears and strap-on tails. 

Waiting to cross the last street, I was elbow to elbow with a giant Sonic the Hedgehog and a seven-foot tall purple giraffe sporting a quadruple-XL adult diaper. Something told me before the weekend was over, that particular garment would get filled. Before I could contemplate the logistics further, the light changed and the extremely polite, if curiously dressed herd moved into the street and we sorted into a semblance of a line being steadily processed through the doors into the main convention hall. I was in.

The lead-up to the main event hadn’t prepared me for what lay inside. A teenage girl in a ‘volunteer’ shirt thrust an opaque plastic bag into my hands before Big The Cat shoved me aside and began professing his undying love for her beauty. I stumbled into the row of booths on the main floor, further progress blocked by an electric green armadillo strumming an acoustic guitar with a stuffed fish tucked in the strings. 

This was it, I weaved my way between con-goers and took it all in. Clip-on LED cat ears. A custom-fit fang booth. Stacks of comics focused on humanoid animals. Racks upon racks of faux-leather collars and leashes. The waifu pillows. I pulled my phone from my pocket and approached the nearest open booth.

Time for an interview, I thought.

Eight hours, two energy drinks and a box of granola bars later, I was dead on my feet. There was no way of knowing how many people I’d talked to as the day progressed. Or just how strange my conversations had become. I think I spoke at length with Cool Cat about the merits of various vape pens, despite the fact I don’t smoke. But it hadn’t all been nonsense. 

Before I had degenerated into a gibbering wreck, I had chanced to be standing beside a fountain near the food court and heard a familiar warbling voice behind me. To my great delight, when I turned around I found a young woman with jet black hair, a hawaiian shirt and a black & yellow long-Furby draped over her shoulders; I instantly recognized her as Teya from Strange Aeons. After she’d finished speaking to her friend, I politely tapped her on the arm and introduced myself. She turned out to be super cool, excited to meet another youtube creator, and talked to me for about ten minutes as her girlfriend went off to wait in line for the bathroom. 

While most of our conversation centered around videos and our special boy Greg, my eyes kept getting drawn back to Thursday Plurbonym Boyporridge. His black and yellow checkered belly, his luxurious black fur, those piercing green eyes; it was all so captivating. I couldn’t quit looking at the charm necklace below his little yellow beak spelling out his name; Thursday. Eventually, I complimented her on her videos and her handsome long-son one last time and we parted ways. It had been a pleasant break, but even here, the persistent strains of Insane Clown Posse that permeated the space were grating on my nerves. 

When the time had come for all the furry folk to close up shop and head home, I staggered out into the street with all the lingering con-goers. Despite the initial culture shock, most of the people I’d met had been great. I could stand here, elbow to elbow with ponies, foxskies, giant pomeranians and adorable cat girl maids on the steps of Westin Harbor Castle, and just enjoy the last moments of the sun setting over Toronto. That is until the moment was shattered by an obnoxious voice that sounded more like it belonged outside a Patriots game accompanied by the echo of shattering beer bottles. 

“Now that the party’s over, we can get down to the afterparty at my place; which of you bitches wants to come home with me?”

My head swiveled like a tank turret toward the source of the voice, my face bearing the expression which must have read did this motherfucker just?

A man-child wearing a My Little Pony t-shirt that had been stretched over his prodigious girth, a pair of denim jorts hanging past his knees and sweat-stained socks encased in mandles, slid his oily bulk up behind a group of teenage girls dressed as some kind of anime cat maids. He leaned his acne-studded face in close to them and said, “Since you’re dressed as maids, how about I take you home and make you change my cumm-y bedsheets after a night of passionate love-making.” 

The overly-polite locals may have been in shock, but I knew a neckbeard when I saw one and knew immediately what to do.

“How ‘bout you back the fuck off bro, they’re kids.”

Maybe he wasn’t expecting resistance, but he seemed genuinely taken aback by someone speaking up. Once he got a look at me, he re-adjusted his fedora and stared me down. I admit, I might not look terribly intimidating; bulky, but not muscular, with my hair dyed bright teal and swept to one side. At least I had on a Pink Floyd t-shirt, that felt a little like a layer of protection against his fed-aura. He drew in a snot-choked breath and continued,

“They’re dressed as the maids from Painappuru No Oshiri, they’re harem girls that’re totally thirsty for the main character. Each maid is eager to bend over and present their ripe ruby star-fruit to their master. They’re, like, practically advertising how much they want it in the ass.”

“Why don’t you leave them alone, fuckmuppet?” I retorted. “You look like you're forty and they’re a bunch of teen girls.”

He was not pleased with my argument. The group of cat-maidens had shaken off their surprise and closed ranks. But they weren’t ready when he lunged forward and grabbed at the petticoat of the red cat-maid on the outside, lifting her skirts up to expose the shorts underneath.

“It’s not even a chick, it’s a dude. Chill out.”

A glance at the cosplayer’s face revealed a mask of burning red embarrassment, fear and confusion. Their friends were moving to grab at the neckbeard’s hand, but I was quicker. I swatted his arm like I was chopping down the internet itself and pushed right up in his face. Practically nose-to-nose, I couldn’t avoid the stench of fermented funyuns rolling off his breath.

“Keep. Your. Fucking. Hands. Off of them.”

His chins quivered slightly. 

“Oh, you wanna start something, Rainbow Brite? I bet you like it in the ass, prancy-boy.”

“For a supposedly straight guy, you sure are obsessed with getting your dick in a guy’s butt.”

The flab of his cheeks reddened to match his acne.

“You’re gonna regret that. I’m a man with a very particular set of skills…”

I cut him off; I didn’t have the patience for a real-life copy pasta.

“Is one of your skills getting punched by me? Cause if you keep talking, you’re going to be teaching a master class.”

I could feel that neckbeardy-bravado wavering. Perhaps he could sense the crowd around us had turned against him, moving to shield the cat-maids and staring daggers into his lumpy flesh. With one last snotty huff, he turned and stormed away; the sound of his mandles slapping on the concrete echoed off the face of the convention center. 

A group of several of the more adulty-er people had ringed the victims and were doing their best to calm them down. I shuffled over and started to apologize for the beardo’s behavior, when the red cat-maid began thanking me profusely and asked for a hug. Apparently, this was not the first time their group had been approached at the convention. We stood around chatting for a while, and they promised to check Evangelion when they got home. Once the cat-maids were safely in their Lyft, I waved them goodbye and turned to make my journey home for the night.

I started back up the street I'd taken this morning, but as I approached the doorway to a grimey building, I became aware of a fully-suited Yogi Bear propositioning a man dressed like Linda-Carter-era Wonder Woman. I was pretty wiped out and didn’t have it in me to process an altercation like this if they noticed me and instead took an abrupt right turn down an alley, intending to zig-zag back to my Air B&B. 

I was nearly out the other side when my ears picked up the slapping of mandles on pavement rushing up behind me. A searing pain burst into existence in my lower back, like someone put a cigarette out on my spine. 

I went down, hard. 

The mylar swag bag I’d been swinging around all day splashed into a puddle off to one side. I was barely able to heave myself over onto my back to get a look at my attacker. It was him. The Neckbeard. He stood over me, grinning, his yellowed teeth visible in the night. The little black box in his hand flickered with a blue spark as he triggered the taser again.

“Heh heh. You like that, princess? I aimed a little high so I wouldn’t damage your sweet ass.”

“Fuck….you….” I gasped out through the pain. My muscles were cramping like someone had dug a burning fork into my lower back and twisted it up like a plate of spaghetti. 

“Heh. You’re the one taking it in the ass, rainbow bitch.” He stepped over me, squatting like a linebacker, bringing the taser close to my face. “Maybe I’ll push this in your eyeball and see if I can make it boil.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of movement between his legs. Something thin and dark darted up from the shadows, toward his exposed back. He let out a cry of surprise, and shot upright, swinging his arms wildly behind him, grabbing at something. He hopped wildly from foot-to-foot across the alley, the tail hanging from the back of his pants swaying wildly with the movement. I thought it was weird I hadn’t noticed the tail before, especially with how long it was, practically sweeping the ground. The fuzzy black appendage was moving...wrong. It kept curling up and twisting out of his hands as he grasped at it, almost as if it were...alive. 

“Oh Goddamnit!” He screamed. “What the fuck, dude?!” 

He dropped the taser and got a grip on the tail with both hands, tugging on it. A ripping sound echoed through the alley as the seat of his pants tore out. The thing was, the tail wasn’t attached to his pants, it was going in through his pants, nestled between his prodigious posterior cheeks like one of those fetish plugs. As he violently jerked it side-to-side, it was ripping at the fabric of his trousers, the same went for his less-than-tidey whiteys. 

“Get this fucking thing off of me!” He howled. 

He grunted as the tail slipped his fingers and wriggled another foot inside him. Tears were welling up in his eyes and he collapsed back against a green dumpster. Like a man who had gambled on a street taco truck and lost, he bit his knuckle and gripped his abdomen through his stained t-shirt. It might have been a trick of the light, but I swear I could see his belly distend and squirm; the words ‘Friendship Is Magic’ bulging as something rolled under them. 

His mandles dug into the alley grime as he feebly kicked his legs, and I could only watch in disgust as the rest of the fuzzy, black, thing slithered up inside him, forcibly dilating his leather cheerio. It was incredible. I could actually see its progress as it wormed its way through his body. He blubbered something about God and Jesus as his hand clawed frantically at his own belly, before his voice abruptly went silent. 

There was a long, drawn-out wheezing sound, like one of those novelty rubber chickens, as the bulk of the thing moved up his throat. I don’t know how his flesh distended and deformed without bursting, but it reached his mouth and his jaw opened wide. First one small black, fuzzy ear lined with black and yellow plaid popped up, then another, followed by the crown of this thing’s head, pushing his teeth outward like flower petals blooming. 

It rose before me, straight up from his mouth, its black and yellow belly slick, but not stained by his juices. His dislodged teeth clung to its matted fur like an obscene necklace. It swayed slightly in the moonlight, a pair of luminous green eyes fixed on mine, and its beak opened. With the rising inflection of someone asking a question, it uttered one word: 

Teeth?

[babysizedfics]

okay okay please write a hc post about Roman and Virgil managing Thomas's romance life together and it being another one of Their Things, that Logan and Patton barely really participate in? Like I can see them all happy and excited to do this, and Roman reassuring Virgil constantly that he's okay and that they can do this? like idk man I wanna see your thoughts on this. - 🐇

okokokokokokokokok i LOVE this ask thank u!!! i actually ran away with this a lot im sorry but im just LOVING THIS EPISODE SO MUCH so here is the l/b rendition of what happens after!!

so roman and vee actually cant talk coherently for a whole day after they are just so happy!! squealing and giggling! and logan and patton are so shocked by how excited they are but like in the surprised laughter way, they see their boys jumping up and down and rambling and smiling so big and it makes them so happy to see!!

for that evening ro and vee are just ECSTATIC and virgil gets so excited that he loses his voice and goes mute and can only happy flap and squeak and laugh and hum and roman gets so excited that he has WAY TOO MUCH energy and goes for an hour long impromptu run - which logan joins him on because he is worried roman will get so excited he will run off track and get lost !!

and while lo and ro are running and logan is marvelling at how roman manages to run for five mins straight AND not stop talking the whole time, patton is with vee and vee cant talk he can only bounce and squeal and so patton just bounces with him!! they hold hands and jump! he hardly knows what theyre so excited about but of course hes gonna catch the excitement its so contagious!! so they bounce and giggle and pretty soon vee regresses into the most playful excitable little baby

and logan and roman return and roman is still excitedly rambling and logan is chuckling through his breathlessness because actually it was pretty hard to keep up with roman - then ro sees that vee has regressed and INSTANTLY goes into kiddo mode and they have the most fun filled excited happy evening where the boys are just so so so giggly and theres lots of games and bouncing and tickling

the next day they manage to calm down a bit and think and roman realises that maybe flirting and romance hasnt worked in the past bc he was mainly working alone and it is a big job to handle for just one side and it has such a big effect on thomas' mental state that maybe he needs some assistance

and he approaches virgils room and finds him laying face down on his bed with his face in a pillow - roman would be worried that he was crying but he could see virgil was kicking his feet against each other too and roman smiles and 'still thinking about it?'

virgils head pops up from the pillow with the BIGGEST smile and says 'DUH of course i am!'

'me too!!' roman giggles and jumps onto virgils bed beside him to lie down and kicks his feet against the mattress excitedly 'ahhhhh!' he squeals

'ahhhh!!' virgil echoes

after a trifle more gay screaming they calm and are sat shoulder to shoulder against the headboard and virgil is shaking jiji in his hands to help stim and roman is stroking a little giraffe plushie vee has and roman brings it up that he is planning on texting nico this morning

virgil smiles bigger and clutches the toy to his cheat 'oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh yes go for it please please please-'

'hang on!' roman giggles 'im telling you because i thought maybe you would wanna help!'

for the first time since they left the mall yesterday virgils smile drops

'virgil' roman starts, but vee so quickly cuts him off

'i can't, im gonna mess it up! whenever im in charge of somthing i just panic and ruin everyth--'

'you wont be fully in charge, we'll share that role!'

'i-' virgil hesitates 'i dunno...'

roman sighs, then a determinstion comes over him and he sits taller and asks 'who pushed thomas to chase after nico?'

the tiniest little smile twists the corner of virgils mouth, but he scratches his cheek to hide it and when his hand lowers its gone 'that wasnt even a-'

'who pushed thomas to chase after nico?' roman repeats, smiling and poking virgils shoulder

vee bites his lip and pulls jiji up to hi chin 'mmnmn'

'i cant hear it' roman insists, twisting on the bed to face virgil directly. he makes a bold move and even reaches out to gently push virgils chin up so he looks at him. theres happiness dancing in virgils eyes WHICH ARE SURROUNDED BY GLITTERY PURPLE EYESHADOW IN CASE ANYONE FORGOT

'i did' virgil mumbles, followed by a muffled giggly because holy moly he actually did that!!

'and thats why youre my new romantic coworker' roman says very proudly, beaming ear to ear, though he hastily adds 'if you want to!'

virgil considers it, bites his lip, strokes jiji, then his smile practicaly lights up the whole room 'yes!'

and they learn a lot from each other by working together! in this au virgil and patton are the only ones who dont have designated working days, their work is reactionary more than anything, they dont have to create ideas or file information like the others, they just react as and when needed dependeing on what thimas experiences. but working with roman is virgils first experience having a sort of routine with work - every tuesday is romance planning!

they leave it flexible of course on account of both of their neurodivergency and allowing room to push the day back if one or both of them are little, but the predictability is actually something that virgil rlly appreciates and looks forward to every week!

and roman learns ways of reeling in his more extreme ideas and being able to apply a sense of realism to his plans! plus it helps him a ton to be able to talk about ideas and get them out, it helps organise them in his mind - and virgil constantly telling him how great he is at what he does does absolute wonders for romans self esteem too

shoot im out of words bc i just got excited about the episode again ahhhhhh gonna tag this as to be continued!!!!

[incorrecttonks]

I'd love to see a sirius and tonks brother-sister relationship??? Also would mind writing a little drabble on these two but marauders era AU?? Love you as always!

Thanks for reaching out! I had a little idea revolving around Andromeda asking Sirius and his friends to babysit (which of course goes horribly wrong) so here it is.

* 17-year-old Sirius Black was excited to spend the day with his friends. He saw James every day because he lived with him, but seeing Remus and Peter would be a nice change of scene. Unfortunately, all of his plans came to a screeching halt when he got an emergency owl from his cousin, Andromeda.*

Andromeda’s letter: Dear Sirius, 

I know you had plans with your friends today, but I really need your help. Ted had a family emergency and I need you to watch Dora for the day. It would also be amazing if you could take her to the zoo. We’ve been planning this for weeks and she’s been so excited. I’ll send you 5 tickets and I’ll pay you. Please respond ASAP.

Your cousin,

Andromeda. 

Sirius: Hey James, my cousin needs me to babysit her daughter Nymphadora today, but she said she’ll send us 5 tickets to go to a muggle zoo today if we agree.

James: How old is Nymphadora? 

Sirius: She’s four. 

James: Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. I’ll tell the guys that there’s been a change of plans. You write back to your cousin and tell her we’ll do it. 

* The boys meet Andromeda at the zoo. Nymphadora runs up and hugs Sirius excitedly.*

Nymphadora: Sirius! 

Sirius: *mussing her hair* Well hey there, squirt! Are you ready to have a fun day at the zoo with me and my friends?

Nymphadora: Yuh-huh! This is gonna be the bestest day ever! 

Andromeda: *Handing Sirius the tickets and a stroller.* This stroller is here just in case she gets tired. I put ten galleons for each of you in the pocket plus some muggle money for food and souvenirs. Thanks again, you’re a real lifesaver. I really owe you one. 

Sirius: It’s really no problem. 

Andromeda: Okay, we’ll meet you at the front gate at around 1800 (6pm). 

*They get their tickets checked and enter the front gate.*

Remus: OK, where to first?

Nymphadora: I want to see the dwaffs. 

Peter: The what?

Sirius: We’re right by the rain forest exhibit, and according to this map the zoo is pretty much a loop, so we should be able to hit every exhibit. 

Remus: Sounds like a plan. 

James: Let’s go. 

* They visit the rain forest exhibit, the nocturnal house, and the reptile house. After that, they go see the camels and a few other exhibits.*

Sirius: We should probably get lunch soon. 

Peter: There’s a food stand right over there. 

Nymphadora: When are we going to see the dwaffs? 

Remus: The what?

Nymphadora: The DWAFFS! You know, dwaffs. 

James: Padfoot, what is a dwaff?

Sirius: I have no clue. 

*They all get lunch. after that, they visit a few more exhibits and decide to get ice cream. *

Sirius: Moony, Wormtail, you get the ice cream. Prongs, can you watch Dora while I use the bathroom? 

James: I’m on it. 

*When Sirius comes out of the bathroom, his cousin is nowhere to be found.*

Sirius: James, where’s Nymphadora?

James: She’s right here. Merlin’s pants! Where’d she go? 

Sirius: Moony! Wormtail! James lost the kid! 

* Remus and Peter get out of line and run over.* 

Remus: How are we going to find her? 

Peter: She’s been talking about seeing something called “dwaffs” all day. Maybe she went there.

Sirius: I don’t know what a dwaff is!

Remus: Let’s ask around if anyone has seen her. 

Sirius: *to a random guy* Excuse me, sir. Have you seen my cousin? She’s about this tall, four years old, and very hyper.

Random guy: What does your cousin look like?

Sirius: You know, that’s a great question. 

Remus: She’s wearing a purple dress with a cat on it, black leggings, and brown boots. Have you seen her?

R.G.: What color hair does she have?

James: It varies from moment to moment.

*He walks away.*

Peter: If we can’t describe her, there’s no way we can find her.

Sirius: Hey! I think I’ve figured it out. Dwaff sounds an awful lot like giraffe, don’t you think? 

*Sure enough, she was by the giraffe exhibit. They found her talking to a biker gang. The only difference to when they lost her was that she was now wearing a tiny leather jacket.*

Sirius: Nymphadora! Thank goodness. 

Biker one: What kind of a name is Nymphadora anyway?

Sirius: I have no idea. Her mom is my cousin and my cousin is kind of weird. 

Biker two: I hope you don’t mind that we gave her a jacket. She walked up to us and we thought she was just the sweetest, so we made her an honorary member.

Sirius: No, I’m just glad she’s safe. 

Biker three: Have you ever ridden a motorcycle, young man? 

Sirius: No, but I would love to try.

Biker three: You should. It’s liberating.

*Later, at the front gate to the zoo.*

Andromeda: *to Sirius* Thank you again. *to Nymphadora* Did you have fun today? 

Nymphadora: Yeah! I went and saw the dwaffs all by myself and I made friends with a biker gang! They gave me this cool jacket! 

Andromeda: *Glaring at Sirius* You what? All by yourself? 

[thisfits]

3 Great Sales This Weekend: $99 Sportcoats at Spier & Mackay, 60% Off at MR PORTER, Todd Snyder x L.L. Bean

Spier & Mackay: Sportcoat Liquidation, starting at $99

Oof. As I wrote to This Fits newsletter subscribers last year, Spier & Mackay is a business I love that I’m worried for as we continue to slog through this pandemic. Their sportcoats are already an amazing value at full retail; I can’t imagine how they’re hurting with these kinds of discounts. Hopefully the sale generates critical cash flow and frees up space in their warehouse for spring arrivals.

The deepest discounts are for their cotton and linen spring/summer jackets, but the sale includes wear-now options from this past fall’s releases, like this stunning Neapolitan Cut Cerruti blue/brown check, and this Neapolitan cut houndstooth (note the cool patch ticket pockets!).

Note that all liquidation sales are final, so no returns, exchanges, or refunds.

BUY: Spier & Mackay Sportcoats, starting at $99 (from as much as $$448)

MR PORTER: Further Reductions in Sale, Up to 60% Off

This is the second round of discounts for this season’s MR PORTER sale. One of the things I appreciate about the site is that they have dedicated pages for items that are New to Sale and items with Further Reductions.

Notable New to Sale: Sid Mashburn, including these crazy giraffe print pants.

Notable Further Reductions: APC, Aimé Leon Dore, Albam, Alex Mill, Bigi, Blue Blue Japan, AMI, Chimala, Common Projects, Drake’s, E. Marinella, Engineered Garments, George Cleverley, Golden Bear, Howlin’, Inis Meáin, J.Press, John Smedley, Kingsman, Lock & Co., MAN 1924, MR P., OrSlow, Private White V.C., Ralph Lauren Purple Label, Reigning Champ, RRL, Rubinacci, Schott, Sid Mashburn, Valstar, Viberg (phew!).

BUY: MR PORTER Sale, Up to 60% Off

Todd Snyder: New Additions to Sale and Further Reductions, Up to 70% Off

Use code SALE30 For an extra 30% most sale items. As with the GOODBYE2020 sale, all sales are final. The most notable addition to this sale are items from Todd Snyder’s well-received collaboration with L.L. Bean.

There are also some of their Dylan suede truckers in bolder colors (Brass and Eucalyptus), and a few things from my post a week ago about the Todd Snyder sale.

BUY: Todd Snyder Sale, Up to 70% Off

I may earn a commission if you buy through a link in this post. Learn more here about my stance on affiliate links, sponsorships, and product reviews.

[crossing-stuck]

July Bugs (Northern Hemisphere)

🦋 Tiger Butterfly ⌚4 AM - 7 PM 💰 240

🦋 Common Bluebottle ⌚4 AM - 7 PM 💰 300

🦋 Paper Kite Butterfly ⌚8 AM - 7 PM 💰 1000

🦋 Great Purple Emperor ⌚4 AM - 7 PM 💰 3000

🦋 Emperor Butterfly ⌚5 PM - 8 AM 💰 4000

🦋 Agrias Butterfly ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 3000

🦋 Rajah Brooke's Birdwing ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 2500

🦋 Queen Alexandra's Birdwing ⌚8 AM - 4 PM 💰 4000

🦋 Moth ⌚7 PM - 4 AM 💰 130

🌲 Atlas Moth ⌚7 PM - 4 AM 💰 3000

🦋 Madagascan Sunset Moth ⌚8 AM - 4 PM 💰 2500

🦗 Long Locust ⌚8 AM - 7 PM 💰 200

🦗 Grasshopper ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 160

🌼 Mantis ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 430

🌼 Orchid Mantis ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 2400

🐝 Honeybee ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 200

🌲🕸 Wasp ⌚ All Day 💰 2500

🌲 Brown Cicada ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 250

🌲 Robust Cicada ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 300

🌲 Giant Cicada ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 500

🌲 Evening Cicada ⌚4 AM - 8 AM & 4 PM - 7 PM 💰 550

🌲 Cicada Shell ⌚All Day 💰 10

🐝 Darner Dragonfly ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 230

🐝 Banded Dragonfly ⌚8 AM - 5 PM 💰 4500

💧 Pondskater ⌚8 AM - 7 PM 💰 130

💧 Diving Beetle ⌚8 AM - 7 PM 💰 800

💧 Giant Water Beetle ⌚7 PM - 8 AM 💰 2000

🌼 Stinkbug ⌚ All Day 💰 120

🌼 Man-faced Stink Bug ⌚7 PM - 8 AM 💰 1000

🦗 Tiger Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 1500

🌲🪓 Jewel Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 2400

🌲🪓 Citrus Long-horned Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 350

🌲🪓 Rosalia Batesi Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 3000

🌴 Blue Weevil Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 800

🦗 Earth-boring Dung Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 300

🌲 Scarab Beetle ⌚ 11 PM - 8 AM 💰 10000

🌲 Drone Beetle ⌚ All Day 💰 200

🌴 Goliath Beetle ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 8000

🌲 Saw Stag ⌚ All Day 💰 2000

🌲 Miyama Stag ⌚ All Day 💰 1000

🌲 Giant Stag ⌚ 11 PM - 8 AM 💰 10000

🌲 Rainbow Stag ⌚ 7 PM - 8 AM 💰 6000

🌴 Cyclommatus Stag ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 8000

🌴 Golden Stag ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 12000

🌴 Giraffe Stag ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 12000

🌲 Horned Dynastid ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 1350

🌴 Horned Atlas ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 8000

🌴 Horned Elephant ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 8000

🌴 Horned Hercules ⌚ 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 12000

🌲 Walking Stick ⌚ 4 AM - 8 AM & 5 PM - 8 AM 💰 1350

🦗 Walking Leaf ⌚ All Day 💰 600

🌲🕸 Bagworm ⌚ All Day 💰 600

🦗🧄 Ant ⌚ All Day 💰 80

🦗🏖 Wharf Roach ⌚ All Day 💰 200

🐝🗑 Fly ⌚ All Day 💰 60

🦟 Mosquito ⌚ 5 PM - 4 AM 💰 130

🐱 Flea ⌚ All Day 💰 70

🐌 Snail ⌚ All Day 💰 250

🌲🕸 Spider ⌚ 7 PM - 8 AM 💰 600

🦂 Scorpion ⌚ 7 PM - 4 AM 💰 8000