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akaashisbabygirl · 4 years

Text

Oikawa

sfw

s/o who has stretch marks on her thighs

cuddling s/o after a bad day at school

washing machine

comforting him after losing a game

begging

i love you so much

s/o who has relapsed

s/o with allergies

s/o who’s stressed

s/o who isn’t what they thought

comforting a s/o who feels inferior to others

out in public with a s/o who has autism + stims

s/o who isn’t motivated anymore

their crush is stressing over an exam

comforting their s/o after an emotional breakdown

s/o who’s a k-pop idol

s/o who can speak french

failing at making a product

sitting in his lap for a tik tok trend

s/o who has really bad stretch marks

s/o who just feels alone

their girlfriend proposing

burn scars

s/o who avoids their reflection

s/o being diagnosed with tourette syndrome

s/o who has strict parents

s/o who is really pissed off

s/o who gets migraines often

s/o who has suicidal thoughts

crushing on a volleyball captain

jealous

fluff hcs

having a crush on their manager

how they treat their s/o

tennis rival

seeing s/o all red

having a tall s/o

having a famous actress s/o

hearing that your best friend was talking shit about you

s/o who struggles with self harm

it’s three in the morning

s/o who is insecure about their skin tone

s/o with trust issues

s/o who has a happy trail

hurting himself during volleyball

having an activist s/o

s/o who is a homebody

s/o birthday

telling him that you can’t have kids

seeing someone flirt with their girlfriend

s/o who is very flexible

s/o who has abandonment and trust issues

seeing his sibling self harm

s/o dancing in the kitchen

s/o with a lot of tattoos

comforting s/o who had a rough upbringing

s/o who picks at their skin

what type of person he would be attracted to

how they woo a single parent

s/o feeling addressed

s/o having a really bad depression room

s/o who is in a music club

s/o who is very interested in music

nsfw

dressing up for them

theirs

seeing s/o with another guy

s/o being a cheerleader for a rival school

vibrator

food play

senpai kink

baby fever

oikawa trying to throw it back on s/o

ass or tit men

s/o experiencing a big sub-drop

threesome w iwa

needy for him

foursome

love making

hate sex

toys

s/o who has a dirty mind

asking s/o to sit on his face

s/o using the safe word

pull my hair, daddy

needy

s/o who doesn’t moan

who do you belong to

fuck buddies to lovers

Iwaizumi

sfw

comforting you with your mental health

calling them ‘dude’ or ‘bro’

ignoring girlfriend prank

i wont fight for love if you don’t meet me halfway

s/o who has the flu

washing machine

relationship with you

s/o with a drug addiction

hate comments

s/o who isn’t motivated anymore

s/o who’s parents are always fighting

s/o who has social anxiety

s/o who’s a k-pop idol

s/o who is too overwhelmed

s/o whose going through flashbacks

wear my jacket

s/o who relapses for self harm

s/o who has a lot of piercings

comforting reader after an attempt

s/o whose father is an alcoholic

s/o who isn’t able to sleep

we have to be quiet

s/o who wants to wait until marriage to have sex

s/o who is considered a bitch by people

s/o who wants to lose weight

s/o who is really pissed off

s/o who gets migraines often

s/o who has suicidal thoughts

getting caught making out

how they treat their s/o

comforting s/o during a panic attack

s/o sneezing during the deed

s/o who always falls asleep cuddling

hearing that your best friend was talking shit about you

i’m pregnant

wife who is suffering from postpartum depression after giving birth

smart s/o who is a dancer

i like you

s/o in need of affection and physical touch

s/o wanting to adopt a child

telling him that you can’t have kids

seeing someone flirt with their girlfriend

can you help me study

trying to calm reader down

girlfriend who is insecure about their weight

reader coming out as trans

don’t pretend you’re asleep

s/o who acts just like them

s/o who has back pains due to bad posture

nsfw

make me

boyfriend hcs

rough

truth or dare

sick of your voice

bend over

theirs

s/o being a cheerleader for a rival school

seeing someone hit on their s/o

s/o who’s short, quiet and shy

s/o birthday

vibrator

s/o who loves his muscles

food play

brat taming

seeing s/o with another guy

baby fever

ass or tit men

threesome w oikawa

s/o who has an innocent face but lewd expressions

s/o who can speak french

seeing their girlfriend in a sexy dress

teaching reader how to change the gears

s/o who is a shy moaner

secret

seeing s/o ass for the first time

giving him head

who can make you cum more

joining the mile high club

s/o with small breasts

their shy s/o being needy

Hanamaki

sfw

don’t pretend

period pain stimulator

make out sessions

s/o who isn’t motivated anymore

making out

how they treat their s/o

hearing that your best friend was talking shit about you

seeing someone flirt with their girlfriend

nsfw

mornings

ass or tit men

poly

Matsukawa

sfw

period pain stimulator

s/o who isn’t motivated anymore

its three in the morning

soft hcs

s/o who cries a lot for no reason

how they treat their s/o

hearing that your best friend was talking shit about you

seeing someone flirt with their girlfriend

nsfw

letting out frustration

beg

regret

saying the wrong name during sex

hard dom

face riding

going down on him

ass or tit men

homemade lingerie

s/o with an innocent face but lewd expressions

seeing their girlfriend in a sexy dress

poly

come over

s/o who has an oral fixation

Kunimi

sfw

period pain stimulator

cuddles

s/o who started self harming again

motivating his s/o before an exam

nsfw

face sitting

ass or tit men

s/o who’s a tattooist

Kindaichi

sfw

period pain stimulator

piggybacks

dating kageyama’s twin

nsfw

ass or tit men

Kyōtani

sfw

period pain stimulator

hate comments

s/o who started self harming again

getting upset

chubby s/o who likes to eat

helping s/o dye their hair

emotional girlfriend

s/o who acts just like them

secretly dating iwaizumi’s younger sister

nsfw

thigh riding

ass or tit men

s/o who gets very wet

who can make you cum more

spread your legs

right here

s/o who only whines and pants during sex

page two

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bxdbxdboy · 3 years

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Character Development

BASICS

Full Name: Luz Noceda

Alias: Apprentice

Nicknames: Bad Boy, (Luz Squad) B.Boy, (herself) Soft Boy, (Cottage) Baby Boy, (Eda) Nice Boy, (Sunny) Sweetheart (Bee)

Sex / Gender: Female, Nonbinary (she/her/hers, he/him/his, they/them/theirs ) .

Right or Left: Left

Age: 16.

Height: 5'6″.

Eye Color: dark brown

Hair Color: Dark brown

Distinguishing Marks: She has a raven tattoo over her scar she received trying to stop her villain in her timeline. She’s shaved her left eyebrow in the middle to match her friend’s scar.

Paragraph Of Physical Traits: She’s got a rather strong build which means she has no weak nerd arms and a significant amount of muscle to her arm. Her hair is slicked back like a wave and it’s always been like that it just has always naturally curled and folded over in that direction. When she sleeps it gets wavy or spikey sticking up like a parrot.

FAMILY / RELIGION

Parents / Guardians: Camilla Noceda

Siblings: n/a adopted Brother King.

Marital Status: Not married.

Significant Other(s): Bee (Amity-Bee), Blushy (Amity in her timeline)

Children: N/A.

Other Relatives: Many Many cousins, aunts and uncles and cousins on both sides of the family.

Pets: Bunga, (familiar, honey badger) Saturn, (familiar magical Owl) Calypso. (palisman Sable)

Friends: Cottage, Sunny, Iris, Bee, Lucky, Otter, Puppy, Gus, Willow.

Enemies: Emperor Belos.

Ethnicity: Latina

Religion: None.

Beliefs: N/A

Superstitions: black cats, broken mirrors. KARMA!

Languages: English. Spanish.

Diction / Accent: Spanish

SCHOOL / WORK / HOME

Education: Public School / High scool leverl/ Hexside

Degree(s): Not yet.

Occupation: Local Power washer for her boiling isles, Food delivery, Potion distributor.

Own or Rent: Neither.

Living Space: Eda’s home in the owl house, Her home in the human realm, and Magic Treehouse bedroom.

Work Space: N/A.

Main Mode of Transport: Skateboarding, Walking, running, or flying. Can drive, will learn, will drive without license.

PSYCHOLOGY

Fears: Being replaced / abandoned, her anger issues, her home getting concurred, loosing her friends, venomous snakes, possessed creatures, dark mimics. spiders, The deepest depths of the Ocean, Slender Man, Siren Head.

Secrets: A big softie just doesn’t want many who meet her to realize it.

IQ: Was never formally tested, but she may not be as intellectually gifted as the other Luz’s There’s a big jock mentally mindset to her as a whole.

Eating Habits: Ravenous Appetite, no matter how much she eats she’s always asking for more. She can put some food away if someone has something they’re saving it’s too late she’s already gotten to it.

Food Preferences: She enjoys Hot Wings they are her most favorite food besides Pizza coming around at a close second She likes a lot of junk food candy, cookies, chips of all kinds. On occasion she will eat something green though like some lettuce with taco meat or a green pepper. She’ll eat it all everything under the sun and even be adventurous eating a wide margin of other foods. She almost always has hot sauce on her there isn’t a single kind of meal she doesn’t love covered in the hot stuff.

Sleeping Habits: She sleeps well, for the most part, when she isn’t attempting to be a night owl she falls asleep relatively quick, even rivaling some of the younger Luz’s with how early she can fall asleep. It’s likely she has sleep apnea as she has tendency to snore so very loud and wakes up during the night in cold sweat, when she stops breathing from night terrors. She will oversleep until almost 2:00 in the afternoon if not monitored.

Book Preferences: She’s not a big egg-head book reader like the rest of the squad is the most Bad Boy read in school was “Animal Farm”, and The “Lord of the Flies”, in high school two books that peaked her interest a little bit. She also enjoys listening to Cottage read some horror books it’s the most she’ll really listen rather than use her eyes to read, in fact, one would say she struggles to read efficiently.

Music Preferences: Hip Hop, Rap, Dubstep, 80′s music, The Weekend, Various artists.

Leader or Follower: She likes to be the boss, but will occasionally follow if she doesn’t have to do much.

Planner or Spontaneous: Spontaneous! All of her ideas are never planned out she definitely does not look before she leaps. Her leaps are full of optimism and happy stupidity. The only time she tends to plan is when Bee holds her hand and forces her to take a step back.

Journal: Nope

Hobbies: Dancing, listening to music, training, watching videos / shows, exercising, roasting members of the Luz squad, doing dangerous stunts, skateboarding, basketball, baseball, (more so the batting range) Surfing (Prior), Deep woods exploring, practicing her magic, teaching her familiars, (Saturn and Bunga) Listening to music, Swooning Bee, Video games, Baking Pizza, Breakdancing, Beat Boxing, Collecting Hats, Serenading, Dancing, Snuggling King.

How Do They Relax: By listening to some calming beats privately, counting to 10, or at any point stroked by Bee she curls and becomes softer.

What Excites Them: Competitions, Wild magic, Magical Creatures, Parkour, Plane Crash videos, Unus Annus, Dogs! Kitties, Being in charge, Buffalo sauce, Food!, Flirting,

What Stresses Them: Bossy individuals, Strict Parents, Rude people, Being inside the Emperor Castle, Being the butt of the joke, Tests, Explosives. Needles.

Pet Peeves: Vegan food, Whining, losing games, Being accused of being a perv, mocking, people stealing her hat, Lucky sending her cursed images.

Prejudices: high horse, pretends not to be a trouble maker to stay in good graces, struggling to not be hostile towards her doppelgängers,

Attitudes: Closed off, Laid back, Aggressive, or chill and cool depending on who you are. Bad Boy appears to be the “scary” anger issues Luz that is liable to explode at any moment and when she does her face and ears can get as red as Bee’s. You’re either in good graces with her or your not, she’s not always easy to approach unless you have a good sense of humor than she cracks up with you about stupid jokes.

Obsessions: Her shoes and hats, her favorite music, lids, BEE

Addictions: Does addiction to sugary cereal count? because oh my god-!!

Ambitions: Defeat Belos in her timeline, find a way to get adopted as a sibling by Cottage Core, Have her own identity outside of Cottage and the Luz squad. Become a powerful witch, Make her mom proud.

ASTROLOGY / PHISIOLOGY

Birth Date: November 26, 2005.

Sign: Sagittarius

Traits Associated with Western Sign: loyal, smart, assertive, and compassionate personality

Chinese Zodiac Sign: The rooster

Traits Associated with Chinese Sign: active, amusing, and popular within a crowd. Roosters are talkative, outspoken, frank, open, honest, and loyal individuals. They like to be the center of attention and always appear attractive and beautiful.

Handwriting: It’s okay…; fairly sloppy.

Sexual History: N/A.

General Health: She takes pretty good care of herself as far as hygiene and having a good confident attitude. experiencing some struggles with her adhd, bad posture leaves her with some back pain.

Mental Disabilities: PTSD, ADHD, depression,

Allergies: Seasonal.

OBJECTS KEPT IN

Purse / Bag: Wallet, towel, water bottle, Treehouse keys key chain,

Wallet: Photo ID, Gold, Cash, rings, Brass knuckle,

Fridge: Chalked full of between meal and frozen pizza.

Medicine Cabinet: Bandages, Healing Potions, Icey-hot muscle rub,

Glove Compartment: Parking tickets, Trespassing tickets, concert tickets.

Junk Drawer: fidget spinners, gum, pens, sharpies, stress balls.

Backpack: Hats, Snacks, Mints, hair gel, Extra clothes, socks, pepper spray, hand sanitizer, suntan lotion, hair brush

Desk: Doodles, Paper Airplanes, Crumpled up Paper.

Clothes Pockets: Phone, Hot Sauce packets, hand warmers, stress ball.

OTHER

Halloween Costumes: A zombie, the cementary is hiring.

Talents: break dancing, beat boxing, fighting in close quarters, self defense, making Luz squad question their sanity, making jokes, flipping her hat. being annoying.

Politics: Nah.

Flaws: stand offish, moody, blunt and direct, vain, doesn’t like to be on the losing side indecisive, selfish,

Strengths: Her optimism, strong sense of personal integrity, avoiding the status quo, free spirited, confidence level, good sense of humor.

Drugs / Alcohol: N/A. No who invited?

Passwords: The most random shit.

Prized Possessions: Her hat passed down by her oldest cousin, her unus annus sweatshirt, a small wolf plushy named Akela

Time and Place: Currently, at the Treehouse interviewing new members of the Luz squad. She just got back from a trip and she has jet lag.

Special Places: The treehouse, her original house, The owl house, the forest where she goes to meet Blushy, The cliff by the Grom tree, the beach.

Special Memories: Meeting Eda and King then running into Cottage and Bee, Becoming friends with Cottage Core learning magic from them, Teasing Belos and Hunter with Cottage Core, Dancing with Bee at her Grom, becoming a polyamorous couple with Bee and Cottage. Being accepted into the Luz Squad.

Tagged by: Stole it from @witchesborn

Tagging: You, if you want to do it.

#hcs #the bad boy #;Bad Boy #long post #info dump #about b.boy

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cauldronofmorning · 4 years

Text

I just needed to get one more Piercintyre meta out. “How Season Three Broke Up Hawkeye and Trapper before Welcome To Korea Happened” under the cut:

Disclaimer that while I don’t know if the MASH writers knew that Wayne Rogers was officially leaving at the end of the season, this is based off the assumption that they knew where the wind was blowing. If not intentional, there’s enough connecting evidence here anyway.

In the first season, it takes them until Bananas Crackers and Nuts to have their first ten second fight, over being in surgery for too long to fill up the still. Even just a short spat upsets them because Hawkeye is the reigning champion of co-dependence (Trapper would like to pretend he’s not) and that leads to eventually exaggerating a mental health episode. They sit in each other’s laps, banter like a couple and Hawkeye makes even bigger heart eyes when Trapper can’t see him.

It starts going a little wrong at Mail Call. They’ve argued before, talked past each other and Trapper’s been worried about Hawkeye’s sanity, but after male wife adorableness where Hawkeye loves Trapper talking about his kids, Trapper starts family spiralling that BJ perfected to an art form and steadily gets more drunk/depressed about not getting to see them grow up. Hawkeye eventually finds him manically packing a bag to go AWOL (naturally he’s jokey-scared that he did something wrong because the man is already a mess) and internally falls apart when he realizes Trapper is serious. It ends up okay because laughing at Frank is a good distraction, but they don’t talk about it outside of ribbing over a hangover, and Hawkeye nervously locks the bag away.

A lot of good and a lot of foreshadowing happens in Check Up. For the good, they love each other so much. Hawkeye is delighted to make Trapper laugh at the end when he’s taking care of him like he did in Carry On Hawkeye, they do manage to talk at least a little; Hawkeye being brave and proving “I’m the only one who can handle him” in BCN as having a lot of truth to it, and Trapper wanting to stay because of Hawkeye.

But that last part is also Trapper’s problem, and what hurts Hawkeye later on (and in turn BJ). He can’t say in earshot that he wants to stay “with… with…” [joke about the camp to diffuse the tension], he can’t dance for real with Hawkeye only when it’s for a joke, he can’t actually be scared and worried for Hawk’s mental state to his face in Dr Pierce and Dr Hyde, and twice in Dear Dad and Aid Station, he reassures Hawkeye that there’s nothing to worry about and only lets the mask fall when Hawkeye is gone. Neither we or Hawkeye see the seventy two hours where Trapper and Radar try and contact him, so with all that, you can’t blame Hawkeye for having a (not the whole story) pattern of proof for thinking he wasn’t worth it.

Two episodes on, and after the homoerotic fever dream image of them riding a pony together, is Alcoholics Unanimous. Alcohol has already been the cause of some of their fights, the aforementioned Bananas, Crackers and Nuts, and the end of Iron Guts Kelly; where Hawkeye calls out Trapper for ignoring reality through booze, Trapper replies reality is up for grabs, and they both get distracted by nurses, which is really their problem summed up, but they end up going for the throat in more ways than one when alcohol gets taken away.

The first half of the episode is them being cute and co-dependent, well, alcoholics, but after the adorable boozing with Margaret and being left to their hungover, they start to feel claustrophobic with each other. It’s Hawkeye who starts being cruel first, as he often does when he’s trapped in a corner and wants to lash out (see the finale). He goads Trapper into a fight, casting himself as the girl again (borrowing Trap’s razor to shave his armpits) and digging in that Trapper is macho and boring for reading hunting and repair magazines.

Trapper eventually gets sick of him, and gives the attention Hawkeye’s been brattily aiming for. His problem is that Hawkeye’s never at a loss for words, something that Trapper has and will struggle with, and always the shot, always the needle. And after more needling, he loses his temper and gets shouty. When they’re about to throw breakable shit at each other (Hawkeye grabs Trapper’s ukelele that he’s been using to chill himself out this season) he’s the one that can stop and introspect a little that they might actually be alcoholics, while Hawkeye makes a crack about renting himself out to a firing squad if he thought that were true. Trapper either struggling or conflicted, while Hawkeye’s in denial or fine when he gets reassurance he needs, comes up a few times throughout the season.

They’re still fighting when it comes to Mulcahy’s sermon, to the joy of Margaret and Frank until it ends up with Frank getting hurt (and if you ever wanted to know who wins in a Trapper vs Hawkeye fight, it’s easily Trapper, though Hawkeye can flail his legs in interesting directions) and needing booze. Like Mail Call, Frank is a distraction both of them can use to not talk about what’s bothering them.

Next up is Adam’s Ribs. While they don’t fight in this one, it’s a much lighter version of Dr Pierce and Dr Hyde, with Hawkeye running around having a manic episode and both Trapper and Henry looking concerned in the background. They’re worried he’s losing it and they’re right; when they leave (Henry dying, Trapper having to go while Hawkeye is on R&R), a piece of Hawkeye is gone no matter how much he and BJ lean and love each other. “Trapper went home; they're still coming. Henry got killed and they're still coming. Wherever they come from... they'll never run out.”

But it’s not even just about the ribs. Hawkeye barely hides anything in this episode; the “I love her”/”it’s a him”/”I love him” without missing a beat, that he’s always been a hedonistic mess when Trapper is faintly disgusted with him, that he thinks letting a stewardess force him is an acceptable thing to just casually shrug about and definitely not being subtle about his interest in “Big John”. Like he often does when Hawkeye gets too serious, either in general or about their relationship, Trapper looks concerned when Hawkeye leaves.

Mad Dogs and Servicemen goes into mental illness again, and there’s a big contrast between Hawkeye; who while still having to administer the tough love approach that the not there Sidney advises, does that thing where you try and empathize but end up foreshadowing… I mean making it about your issues and not helping by talking about how many breakdowns he has a day, and Trapper. Trapper is both seconds away from killing Frank when he dismisses mental illness and only Hawkeye manages to calm him down, and also manages to get the soldier to open up about his trauma by letting him talk about Boston and sports. The macho less good with words-just being the rock thing that Hawkeye needles him about actually helps this time.

Trapper struggling comes up again in Bulletin Board. He knows how Henry is feeling when he talks about there’s no point distracting yourself if the war will kick you in the teeth later. He also writes a letter to his seven year old daughter (Becky), telling her a kid-friendly version of saving kids with frostbite. She’s complained that he never tells them what he gets up to and of course he can’t because how can you put your at home children through that? But it also proves he doesn’t just hide from Hawkeye, as unlike most who wrote letters to their family, he chooses the most secluded times possible, and he tells her all he can do is make the best of things before turning the record off and looking haunted.

Like Dear Dad in the first season, Aid Station has Hawkeye having to go to the front again. Klinger and Radar giggle over his dresses, Margaret doms Frank and tells him she’ll kill him if he goes out with other nurses, and it immediately goes to Hawkeye telling Trapper he should go out with other doctors. It eventually gets serious in the only way they know how: Hawkeye looking afraid of the reaction he might get, bringing up his will, and when the mood is down, making a joke about his sluttiness. When he has to go, Trapper again does his job of reassuring (like he will Radar and Henry later on) and then his face falls in worry. On the other end, by the episode’s finish, Hawkeye has a connection with Margaret that Frank and Trapper assume could only be sexual, so they get closer while both pairings drift off.

The last time they fight is Pay Day. Hawkeye is trying to have a date while also trying to not get arrested for supposedly stealing money, while Trapper is as usual losing badly on a game. Hawkeye can’t give him fifty dollars, even an appeal to their friendship doesn’t work, and so Trapper steals his watch for stakes. When Hawkeye finds out, they have a short but explosive yelling session, and in a rarity for them, they do kind of talk about it, ending the episode on Hawkeye proving to Trapper he’s bad at card games.

Then it’s Abysinnia Henry, the last time we see Trapper and Henry. Henry’s plane gets shot down before he manages to make it home, and Hawkeye and Trapper try desperately to contact each other while Hawkeye is on a bender of an r&r and before Trapper’s plane leaves Korea. Trapper can’t find the words for a note, leaves Hawkeye with a kiss, and Hawkeye never gets closure. A season of drifting and it ends like that.

#hawkeye pierce #trapper john mcintyre #piercintyre #mash

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soupwaffle · 3 years

Text

hello! another video game rant but this time it is about stardew valley!!

this isn’t very deep, because i like stardew So Much and I just want to talk about how much i appreciate it, not really analyzing it lmao

Ever since I was little, i’ve ALWAYS been a slut for farming and life simulation games, especially Harvest Moon. Those games were literally my SHIT i played every single one i could get my hands on, so discovering stardew when it came out was. So Fucking Delightful. Genuinely one of the best things to EVER happen to me.

The Harvest Moon games (like, all of them) were so delightful as well, but it sucked that you had to chose to buy the game with the female character or the male character, and you couldn’t just buy the one game and chose within it. And you could only marry bachelor/ettes of the opposite sex of your character. So i would always buy the male character game so i could marry the female characters (and i didn’t realize i was gay. I really thought that was Straight Girl activities). Anyway, stardew is the first of these types of games in which you could look gender neutral AND marry anyone no matter the sex of your character. I remember when I first discovered the game, i sobbed for hours after marrying Abigail because it made me so genuinely excited and happy that i could do that. It’s so fucking cool that something like this exists now for kids like me, who can see that love is so broad and you can love whomever you love. Makes me want to cry again just thinking about it.

Also, really dope that the game has SO MUCH TO IT, especially very realistic issues addressed, like shane’s mental health and alcoholism and the nightmare that is capitalism and the struggles that each and every individual in pelican town face that just make them so genuine and real. It’s so lovely to see and to be able to form connections with characters that have more to them than the surface level- they are so clearly written with love and care.

I’m too tired now to write anymore but fucking. I love this game so much

#stardew valley #stardew #syd video game rants

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nyx-9com · 4 years

Note

03 June 2000, Bradford UK, 23:22, Male. Would leave a reading

Capricorn ASC + Gemini Sun + Cancer Moon

4H Saturn + 5H Sun + 6H Moon

What a babe. I mean seriously, you must have a ton of admirers. Capricorn on the ascendant is said to give differing appearances with a lot of them veering toward the negative. I think this is based on the fact that Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, traditionally viewed as the Greater Malefic. He was revered and reviled around the time that Hellenistic astrologers were beginning to describe the countenance with the sign on the ascendant. In actuality, Capricorn on the ascendant tends to give dark hair, dark eyes, a paler range of complexion, and fantastic bone structure, particularly when Saturn is in good shape. Your Saturn is angular and exactly conjunct the Greater Benefic, Jupiter in the Venus-ruled sign of Taurus. I’m sure you’re quite handsome. You may not be as thin as your average Capricorn ascendant due to this conjunction in Taurus, but that just means there’s a little more of you to love. Weight may tend to creep up more as the years go by. As an aside, this means you were born during the last Great Conjunction. There’s going to be another Great Conjunction this year in the sign of Aquarius.

When I mention admirers, however, I’m not talking about strictly in terms of your appearance. Saturn as your ruling planet conjunct with Jupiter gives you shades of realistic optimism. You have ambition but are pragmatic. You want to make a positive impact on your environment and you’re absolutely capable of it. Sometimes you might bite off more than you can chew, and that can cause depression because you’re not used to failure, even under circumstances when most would fail. You love home and family, your roots are everything. You likely have a large family that is very serious when it comes to family values, this has given you a strong base in life. You’re a reliable, affable person- though you do very much like to have things your way. In fact, you may not give others much of an option with this. The way you go about it however, doesn’t usually provoke much opposition. This is all very apparent to others when you interact with them. Now I will say that there is an element of self-sabotage in you that probably don’t fully understand yourself. There is an element to your personality that you are out of touch with which is erratic, neurotic, anxious, and sometimes just fucks shit up purely to be disruptive. It’s like a short fuse that goes off every now and then, it gives others whiplash. This puts strain on you too, as you like to be seen as orderly, responsible, capable. Flying off the handle at completely unexpected intervals doesn’t really lend to that, but you return to regularly scheduled programming in a reasonable enough amount of time and stay that way long enough that others would probably only see you as ‘occasionally unpredictable’. The issue really is that your true nature is quite a bit more spontaneous than perhaps you’d like to be viewed. The repression of that spontaneity can result in an internalization of anxiety which effectively turns you into a pressure cooker. Gotta let the steam off somewhere, because if you don’t actively choose to vent this energy, it will explode. Unplanned and uncontrolled explosions rarely do anything productive in the scope of our lives, wouldn’t you agree?

An effective way for you to vent this is through creative pursuits, hobbies (which you probably have a ton of, there may be several sports you are good at also), interacting with children, and romance. You’re actually a super romantic guy, although your attentions are numerous and probably quite fleeting. The 5th house Venus-Sun-Mars conjunction in Gemini shows someone whose identity is flirtatious and loves to spit game. You’re charming and others find you attractive, that’s just how it is. It’s just all-around fun for you to play the field and it takes a lot of mental engagement to hold your attention. You’re probably seen as someone who very actively pursues various interests, possibly at the same time. But that Cancer moon belies somebody who isn’t just a player. You’re a very sensitive, caring individual at your emotional core. Helping others gives you genuine satisfaction. You show others you care by helping them accomplish things and fussing over their health. You’re seen as a super caring employee—perhaps a bit too sensitive at times—but typically you are viewed as alert and intelligent. You could be prone to sulking when you don’t get your way. You may also be prone to ups and downs with your health and you probably have a touch more of hypochondria than most. Your health is dependent on minimizing your nerves and keeping your emotions level.

I had mentioned children before- they are likely to figure prominently in your life. You will probably have several- it’s (loosely) possible you will have twins. Ultimately, you pursue romance for the purpose of finding your soulmate. With your North Node in the 7th house, marriage may be the destiny (although the 7th house also has themes of working with the public, the law, contracts, etc… North Node in Cancer may also denote fame with the general public). With Cancer on the 7th she’s going to be a very feminine woman, someone to be the mother of your children. She will make you work hard for her affections and this will draw you in further and breed your respect for her. (In the case that you are not attracted to females, this will still manifest as a search for a nurturing, motherly partner. You will fulfil the more paternal role between the two of you.) Now it seems like I’m digressing from the ASC-SUN-MOON description here, but I mention all of this because this is paramount to your emotional makeup as your Moon sits in Cancer, ruling the 7th cusp from the 6th house. With the Moon owning this cusp and the North Node, it shows that this relationship alone will most likely provide you with the majority of your emotional sustenance.

But again, we have a disconnected element of the personality that is causing trouble at times while your conscious mind is elsewhere. You suck the wind out of your own sails and do not always actively pursue what you know would make you happy. It’s possible you may struggle with alcohol or drug use which sabotages your search for your partner. It could cause you to feel badly about yourself and think poorly of yourself. You may not understand why sometimes you slip into self-destructive habits wherein you make yourself appear to be less reliable than you truly are. You want your partner to want you for representing the ‘provider’ archetype. Strong, authoritative, reliable, a protector. And yet you choose to do things that don't allow you to represent yourself in this light at times. Alternatively, it could be the very fact that you pursue many interests—a romantic/sexual “addiction”, in effect—that is somewhat sabotaging your ability to find the type of partner you want. The type of partner you want is looking for someone committed, remember? Even if you are not in a relationship at the time, a potential partner witnessing an endless stream of romantic trysts could have them writing you off as effervescent and noncommittal; halting the possibility of a relationship before there was a chance for that possibility to truly exist.

This impulse is related to the very same disconnect as I indicated above: You are a deeply sensitive and empathic person, but your inability to consciously exert control on this aspect of yourself can cause it to wig out in detrimental ways. Your system can’t always handle the excess of emotional and environmental information it receives, for many this results in attempts to stave the flow. This is frequently achieved by pursuing illusion and numbing the senses with drugs, some can also overuse the physical senses as way to drown out empathetic reception. You should channel your deep sensitivity into affecting structural, societal transformations which will liberate others. I would point out too that right now others are very aware of your tendency to self-sabotage in both capacities I’ve mentioned- however when you manage to direct these energies effectively, you will cease to be seen this way. People will view you as humanitarian, idealistic, compassionate, transcendental, and revolutionary. It looks like that 7th house North Node really is about caring for the public, doesn’t it? I hope and pray that you choose to use your gifts, the world needs them!

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sierratheory · 5 years

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1/ I just wanted to write something about mental health (my personal experience). But before I get into that, firstly I would like to say that mental health comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. What may seem so small to one person may be the biggest, most detrimental aspect to another. Many factors affect mental health whether that be a bereavement, relationship (romantic or friendship; toxic or not), social aspects, media etc.

2/ You may have insecurities, you may be the most outgoing person, you may put your life online ‘pretending to be ok’, you may hide away. Point is: no one knows what is really going on with that person in reality. 3/Personally, I was in a toxic relationship to the point that I started to believe I was the issue (as my ex at the time made me feel like I was overreacting and I was causing drama) without going into too much detail but my ex was not a nice guy who played the blame game and did stuff to me in front of his mates for a joke etc. He would turn around and say I was overreacting etc when I defended myself. 4/ it got to the point where I became a shadow/weaker version of myself and the only way I knew how to cope was to fight back. I then was put on anti-depressants (and I did mix with alcohol etc). I was in a bad place and I needed to remove myself from that situation, but I had to do it. All my mates would say that I was a jolly, fun and outgoing person, but that was a front and I have deep insecurities which were worsened by how my ex (and more so how his mates) made me feel. 5/ I could deal with him tbf but then him and his mates started writing shit on social media, comparing me to memes regarding being crazy e.g. a side by side meme of Margot Robbie as herself and then as her Harlequin character with the caption when you first start dating her versus two months into the relationship. This become constant and my feelings and insecurities made me question whether I had some sort of defect. It was only when I removed myself things got better. Sorry going off topic

Thank you for sharing your story. We appreciate you coming to us and feeling safe enough to talk about your past. I’m sorry you had to go through this. I’m very happy and proud of you for living through it and for being so open about your struggles. I hope life only gets better for you. The fact that you could recognize a toxic environment and exclude yourself accordingly just shows how strong you are and how much potential you have. All my blessings and love is being sent to you, anon.

#ask #anon #Blue

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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years

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S/O to @iaintgotcontrol for finding a new survey! lol.

Looks and Personality

What do you look like? I have a face with freckles, brown eyes, a nose, and a mouth. I wear black rimmed glasses. I have long hair that goes past my butt. I naturally have dark brown hair, but I dye it red. I’m thin. Gangly. How often do you bathe? I don’t take baths, but I shower every 1-2 days. How do you wear your hair? In a pony tail.

What colours do you tend to wear? I have a lot of black and gray with pops of other colors. Do you have any tattoos? What, where and why? No.

What kind of clothes do you wear? Comfy, casual clothes. I’m always in leggings and a comfy shirt. I own a LOT of leggings and graphic T’s. What kind of jewellery do you wear? I haven’t worn any in years. I used to wear these 3 rings I have 24/7 until one day I took them off for some reason and just never put them back on since. That was probably like 5 years ago. I went through a phase where I was all about accessorizing and wore a ton of bracelets. I wore necklaces and earrings, too. Is there anything else you often wear? I’m always wearing socks. Would you say you had a “look”? I’ve gone through different phases like the preppy/girly and emo phase, but now I’m just very casual and comfy. When going out, do you dress up or down? My going out consists of going to the doctor, the movies, or Walmart. I don’t dress up for any of those things. What do you wear to bed at home? Those comfy, causal clothes I’ve been talking about. What do you wear to bed when your somewhere else? Same thing. Is there a place you keep any prized/secret things whilst you’re away? No. What’s your favourite food? Chicken tenders, boneless chicken wings (garlic parm), burritos, potatoes in various forms, eggs, spaghetti, meatballs, and pesto pasta. What’s your favourite drink? Coffee. What’s your favourite desert? Donuts, cupcakes, muffins. What’s your favourite type of food (e.g Mexican)? American, Italian, and Mexican. Do you have any mental problems? Yes. Do you have any phobias? What? Why do you think you have this/them? Yes. Why might somebody dislike you? Because I keep to myself these days and have been very distant and withdrawn from everyone outside of my immediate family. I’m very moody. I don’t put any effort into maintaining friendships anymore. Or any effort into much of anything. I haven’t been a good friend at all to the friends I used to have. What skill do you possess that you are most proud of? I don’t feel like I have any. What is your greatest strength (e.g. honest, loyal, brave)? I... don’t know. What’s your greatest shortcoming or flaw (e.g. cowardly, alcoholic)? I have a lot of those. Who do you most admire? My mom and younger brother. Who do you most love? My family. What three things do you look for most in a partner? Good sense of humor, understanding, patient. Do you like crowds? Nooo. I don’t well with crowds. What are your hobbies? Tumblr/surveys, watching YouTube, coloring, reading, watching TV. If you can’t get to sleep in the middle of the night, what do you do? So every night? At night I do my Bible study, watch YouTube, watch TV, and read. What is your favourite animal? Dogs and giraffes. What is your favourite colour? Pastels. If you could ask God (to athiests - IF there was one) one question, what? I mean, there’s a lot I’d like to know but some things we aren’t meant to know or are beyond our comprehension. Things will be revealed when they’re meant to, if they’re meant to be. Rate yourself on these traits from 0 to 10. 0 - do not possess this trait. 10 - you have great amounts of this trait. Calm temper Charm Cheerfulness Confidence Courtesy Curiousity Forgiveness Generosity Greed Helpfulness Honesty Loyalty Optimism Patience Self-sacrafice Wit Background Where were you born and raised? California. Briefly describe your family. Loving, supportive, encouraging, funny. You must choose one - your childhood was calm/peaceful or tragic/turbulent? Calm and peaceful out of these choices. I had obstacles and struggles with health related things, but honestly those aren’t what stick out the most to me. I was a very resilient, strong kid. I’m a very weak, scared adult. Did you have any rolemodels? My mom and grandma. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? I’d say the incident that made me a paraplegic at 7 months old takes home the trophy for that category. How did it affect you? In every single way from that day forward. Have you ever had any recurring nightmares or themes in nightmares? Yes. As a kid I remember one of the reoccurring nightmares I had was Ghostface chasing me with a knife. I was so scared of Scream for the longest, but I love the movies now. ha. What were they? Death and being chased. Do you currently have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Do you have any close friends? I have my family. Briefly describe your best friend: My mom is so strong-willed and hardworking. Very giving. Very outgoing and social. She’s also very funny and sarcastic. She loves her some ID (Investigative Discovery) and Game of Thrones. Any enemies? No. Who? What are they like? Would you risk your life for your best friend?(not lover or family member!) My best friend is a family member, though. And yes. With who was your most important romantic relationship? I haven’t had a serious relationship. Of what are you most proud? :/ Of what are you most ashamed? The person I’ve become over the last 4 years. I really hate this person I’ve become. Alignment, Ethics and Religion What is your religion? Christian. Where do you stand on abortion? Where do you stand on the death penalty? I’m on the fence. Where do you stand on wearing fur? I don’t wear fur or use real leather. Do you have a moral code that you follow? What? I mean, yes? Could you kill somebody? I can’t ever imagine myself being able to do that, but it’s something you don’t really know unless you find yourself in a situation that could lead to that. For what reason would you kill somebody? The only reason I could think of is self-defense, but even then I still can’t imagine killing someone. Would you SERIOUSLY CONSIDER killing anybody right now? No, sheesh. Do you trust easily, or not? Trust isn’t a big issue with me, I just have a hard time opening up and expressing myself to people and sharing my feelings. What are your political beliefs (anarchy, communism, democracy etc.)? What, if anything, WOULD you sacrifice your life for? If it meant saving a loved one. Would you ever, for any reason, abandon your friends in an hour of need? That’s what I’ve done over these last few years. :( Motivation

What are your dreams/ambitions/goals? That’s the problem... I don’t have any. How do you plan to reach them? How would your ideal partner look? Not say looks don’t matter at all, but I’m more concerned with personality.

Do you ever want to have a family someday? With children? I can’t see that happening. Who would you want to start this family with, or do you not yet know? What would stop you from reaching your goals (e.g. death, retirement fund)? My health. What do you see yourself doing next year? I have to take it day by day, hour by hour, man. What do you see yourself doing in twenty years? Yikes. Would you ever have an affair? No, I truly don’t think so. Would you ever have a one night stand? No. What are your greatest fears? Losing my loved ones. More information If you had a month of nothing (no work, no obligations) what would you do? That’s been my life for the past few years and it hasn’t been a good thing. It dug me in a deep hole for depression. How do you relax? Listen to ASMR. What one thing would you change in this world (free Tibet, abolish Sweden)? No more violence. Would you ever choose a career or job where your life was at risk? No. Why? How would you like to be remembered after your death? “When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.” Random questions Where you present at any major historical events (e.g. 9/11)? No. How did they affect you? Do you have any famous relatives? No. Do you have to try and live up to your family’s expectations? My family doesn’t put any ridiculous or impossible expectations on me. All they want is for me to be healthy and happy, but for some reason I can’t seem to get my shit together and take care of myself like I should. Are you a loyal member of any organizations? No. General Information Name: Stephanie. Age: 29. Date Of Birth: July 28th. Race: Caucasian, Mexican, and some Filipino that I know of. I really want to do one of those DNA tests to see exactly what I am. Height: I’d be about 5′4. Weight: Mid 70s (lbs). Are you happy with this? No. I need to put on some weight. Desired weight: I used to be mid 80s-low 90s. Sexual orientation: Straight. First language: English. Second/Third/Fourth etc. languages (if any): I’m only fluent in English. Why did you take this survey? I hadn’t taken it before and I wanted to do a survey.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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thelyonsempire · 6 years

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Once a Single Mom with a Dream, Taraji P. Henson is Now a Hollywood Headliner

Want to know what it feels like for a woman to be a commanding presence in a man’s world? Just ask Taraji P. Henson, who might be the greatest motivational speaker we ladies have at the moment.

“I feel like a boss bitch,” she says, flashing her megawatt grin. “I’m grabbing my nuts, like, ‘Yeah!’ ”

Could we consider this an apt metaphor for the current push-pull of power dynamics? Perhaps. As Henson knows, there’s no time to mince words anymore. From the #MeToo movement to the midterm elections, we’ve seen what happens when women stake their claim. Henson, a single mother from Washington, D.C., who has worked in the industry for over 20 years, is among those finally getting their due — and she’s not afraid to say it.

Her latest film, What Men Want, explicitly explores these themes. Out in February, it flips the script from the Nancy Meyers-directed What Women Want (2000), which starred Mel Gibson and Helen Hunt. Henson plays Ali Davis, a cocky (for lack of a better term) sports agent. After getting passed over for a big promotion, she visits a psychic (the singer Erykah Badu) who provides her with a special tea that allows her to hear men’s thoughts.

Henson stars and also serves as an executive producer. It’s the first time the 48-year-old actress — who has nailed every dramatic role that has come her way — is getting a chance to flex her musical-theater-trained muscles as the lead in a full-fledged comedy. And Henson is clearly in her element, engaging in the kind of “I’ll do anything for laughs” physical antics emblematic of her heroes Carol Burnett and Lucille Ball.

“I’ve always been the funny girl,” Henson says emphatically. “Not that I was pigeonholed. They were all great dramatic roles, but I’ve been dying. I just felt so honored and grateful to get a comedy where I could let it all hang out. My best friend was like, ‘Lord, they don’t know what they have unleashed.’ ”

“Taraji is old-school funny,” says someone who would know, her What Men Want co-star Tracy Morgan. “She is willing to take a pie to the face or stuff a bunch of candy in her mouth to get a laugh. She cuts the monster but doesn’t cut too deep because she knows we need the monster comedy.”

This past November Henson also voiced the animated character Yesss (which Henson pronounces as “Yesssssss” in her sweet drawl) in Ralph Breaks the Internet, Disney’s big-budget sequel to Wreck-It Ralph, which grossed over $400 million worldwide. It was another chance for her to show off her comedic chops, but this time for the kids. And after years of struggling to make it in Hollywood, she’s acutely aware of how doing a family film can help her bank account.

“You know, that’s [audiences buying] four tickets instead of two,” Henson says. “That’s generally going to be the largest-grossing film in anyone’s repertoire.”

To attend InStyle’s shoot, she took a 24-hour break from the Chicago set of Empire and her most significant character to date, the cutting and campy Cookie Lyon. Henson admits that the silver-tongued ex-con and matriarch of the Lyon family was the one who really put her on the Hollywood map. Despite all her successes — in the Oscar-nominated films Hidden Figures and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button — Henson has never had a movie studio bring her overseas to do press. But Cookie has.

“Hollywood executives would tell me that I don’t have fans all the way over there,” Henson says, shaking her head. “I said, ‘You’re lying because they can reach me any time. I’m a finger tap away, and they let me know every day.’ ” And while the international box office plays a big role in getting lead parts in feature films, it was Cookie who let Henson know she was appreciated. “Then we go to Paris [to promote Empire], and it’s standing room only in a room with 1,500 seats. I cried. If you believe what people tell you … you can’t let people tell you shit.”

Henson’s strong sense of self comes from her parents. She was an only child until she was 17 (her half sister, April, now works as her “a-sister-ant”). Her father, Boris, was a Vietnam War vet who battled PTSD and alcoholism throughout her childhood. Despite his mood swings, Henson says, he instilled in her a no-fear attitude that has stuck with her to this day. From her mother, Bernice, she inherited her endless drive and passion.

“I was like the Punky Brewster of the hood,” Henson says with a laugh. “I was a well-rounded kid, but I could also scrap if necessary. But I wasn’t that hard. I still had Strawberry Shortcake wallpaper in my room, and my friend Tracie and I were doing Shakespeare in the Park … and we were in the f—ing hood.”

Though it was clear from an early age that Henson was a natural-born performer, she spent her nascent college years attempting to follow in her father’s footsteps by studying engineering at North Carolina A&T State University. With her colorful outfits and spirited attitude, she earned the on-campus nickname Hollywood, yet it still took failing math classes for her to realize the sciences were not where she belonged. When she called Boris to tell him, he was not surprised.

“Good,” he said. “Get your ass back up to D.C. and enroll in Howard’s drama department. Do what you’re supposed to be doing.”

While attending Howard University, Henson became pregnant with her son, Marcell. After graduation the single mom and her baby boy moved to Los Angeles with $700 borrowed from family and friends so she could pursue her dreams. Between casting calls, there were stints as a substitute teacher for kids with special needs. Eventually she landed an agent, and guest spots on network television shows soon followed. But it was her roles in films such as Baby Boy and Hustle & Flow that really made Hollywood take notice.

Now that she’s got the mic, Henson is putting it to good use, choosing impactful projects like this spring’s The Best of Enemies, about civil-rights activist Ann Atwater and her unlikely friendship with C.P. Ellis (portrayed by Sam Rockwell), a former member of the Ku Klux Klan. She is also starring in and producing a movie about Emmett Till, the teenager who was lynched for allegedly whistling at a white woman in Mississippi in 1955.

“I don’t care if you’re young or old or what color you are, art is so powerful,” she says on the topic of representation. “You can show things to people you’ve never met and you broaden horizons. I don’t take for granted what I have, and I try to use it in any way I can, positively.”

The fact that Hollywood continues to preach about the importance of diversity but then casts predominately white males in lead roles is not lost on the actress. “Here’s the deal: When you talk about money, don’t you want to make money? I want every walk of life [in my films]. If I could put an alien in, I would. I want their money too. Come on, it’s what the world looks like. That’s what people want to see, representation. That’s all. You can make money doing it. It’s a no-brainer.”

She also recently established the Boris Lawrence Henson Foundation (named after her beloved father), which encourages African-Americans with mental-health issues to seek the help they need. “It was born out of necessity,” she says. “You know, traumatic stuff happened to me and my son. [Her ex-boyfriend, Marcell’s father, was murdered in 2003.] You can’t just pray it away. I don’t care how strong you are. It gets to you, and if you don’t deal with it, it manifests itself in ways you don’t even know.

“My white friends have standing appointments with their therapists,” Henson continues. “I was like, ‘Why aren’t we doing that?’ In our culture, it’s taboo.” The first people to sign on? Her male friends from the industry, all of whom wrote checks on the spot. “The black men stepped up. Snoop Dogg, Xzibit, Tracy Morgan, Chance the Rapper all stepped up. I called, they answered. Snoop told me, ‘Baby girl, that’s important. What you’re doing is important.’ Tyrese said, ‘You’re making it cool to seek help.’ ”

Another supportive figure is her fiancé, former NFL cornerback (and Super Bowl XLI winner) Kelvin Hayden. The two were quietly dating for three years before Hayden proposed last Mother’s Day. They are planning to wed this summer in a private, low-key affair, and though her designer friends are offering to make her a dress, Henson is opting for the most efficient route.

“I’m not going to go through 10,000 dresses,” she says. “How does it fit? How do I feel? Does it complement me well? Let’s just go with this one. I know what looks good on me. I’m not going to spend 10 hours on a fitting. I hate that.”

The wedding itself will probably take place in July, once Henson figures out if Empire is going to be picked up for a sixth season. Fortunately, it is filmed in Chicago, where she and Hayden reside with Marcell — now 24 and an aspiring rapper and music producer — and their miniature French bulldog, K-Ball, which was Hayden’s nickname when he played in the NFL.

Their life is a healthy one. Hayden runs his own gym, and she’s always cooking new vegan treats for her tribe. She made the jump to veganism after suffering massive stomach pains while filming The Best of Enemies this past summer. “It took a doctor in Macon, Ga., to say, ‘If you don’t change what you’re doing, you’re going to get stomach cancer.’ I said, ‘Say no more.’ So I switched everything up out of necessity. I want to live. Thank God, because I feel so much better.”

Now that she’s in love, at the top of her game, and clearly adored by the world at large, Henson is ready to expand her repertoire even further. “The older I get, I want to work smarter, not harder,” she says. She’ll answer that superhero hotline if it rings — “DC, Marvel, you all can call me!” — but for now she’s content being the funny girl.

“I want to show you this,” she says, grabbing her phone to play a video that was sent to her by What Men Want director Adam Shankman. It’s footage from an early screening, and the audience is roaring with laughter.

Henson admits to having goose bumps as she cradles the device like a proud mama: “Listen to them cackling!”

#taraji p. henson #InStyle magazine #interview

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kylieryanette · 3 years

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SELF LOVE BURIED

So, you've gotten through the beginning years! Buckle up, it gets worse from here. I will be getting into the more severe abuse from here on out, so this is a trigger warning for anyone who may have difficulties reading from here. The next few blogs will discuss years 6ish through my adolescent years and high school, how my self-love got buried under years of being told I was worthless, sexual assault, mental and emotional abuse, among other things.

After we left Wisconsin, my mother once again left Dirk, and we moved to Bloomfield, IA where we lived with my great-grandmother again, and Dirk moved to Omaha, NE, 3.5 hours away. During this time, Dirk started dating a lady named Sandy. My sister and myself went to visit Dirk in Omaha, and we met Sandy and went to Fuddruckers. At this time, I was approximately 8-9 and I was not dealing with Dirk dating another woman, so I called my mother bawling, wanting to go home. Little did I know that Sandy would be a permanent force in my parents marriage (she isn't the villain I made her out to be in my mind).

When my parents got back together, we moved to Glenwood, IA, a bedroom community of Omaha, and my parents were both working in LTL (less than truckload) sales, so they were gone all day, and once again, Dirk was gone on "business trips" all of the time. He was working for Midland Transportation at this time, and brought a couple of shady characters to our home, disguising them as "friends". It wasn't until later that I learned he was involved in a theft scheme with these gentlemen, but alas, he was never caught, only his partners.

There are many shady instances that I remember happening at this time, to include Dirk threatening a backhoe operator, who conveniently passed away less than one week later from "heart issues". I was 12 years old when this occurred, and I had the forethought at that age to walk away from the situation. When Dirk asked me later why I had walked away, I simply stated "because I didn't want to testify against you". Please tell me what 12 year old thinks that way, or has had to make that decision, well this 12 year old, as I knew he had a body count at this point, he used to brag about how no one would ever find the bodies. Something he has recently said about my mother and myself, which has caused us to get security cameras installed around our home. During this time, I also started experiencing disturbing and severe health issues, which were dismissed by Dirk and doctors for over 25 years, but I remained active and high achieving, as to not deal with the abuse at home if I did not perform at peak level at all times.

I remember one time sitting at the coffee table eating cereal from a pottery bowl. Dirk was going through my backpack (one of the rare times he actually gave a shit about what I was doing). I had gotten a B on a math test (I struggle with math), not the class itself, just a test. He proceeded to walk over to me, grab my bowl, and throw it against the wall, sending pottery fragments and cereal flying all over the living room. It was at this moment that I realized the only way I was going to make him happy was to be perfect, absolutely perfect, no mistakes, ever. You can imagine what that did to my 12 year old psyche. He would call me "half-assed Kylie" if things weren't done to his standard, which was unobtainable most of the time.

During this time, my parents fought incessantly. I would hear them at all hours of the night, Dirk telling my mother that he hated her, didn't love her and that he wouldn't have to have affairs if she were a better wife, even though she literally drove herself to the brink of insanity trying to make him happy. She was focused on us, her career and her weight, as Dirk covetted good looks and a slim, beautiful figure, anything short of that was embarrassing for him. This caused a lot of issues with not only my mother, but me and my baby sister as well. Both Kaitie and I had an unhealthy relationship with food; her, not wanting to eat and making sure she stayed slim, me, yo-yo dieting and making myself sick to keep that ideal. One of those instances where parents don't directly instill these ideals in their children, but through watching and listening, we learned. We also learned about alcoholism, extensively, during this time. large

I watched Dirk drink himself into oblivion every single night that he was home. He couldn't have a meal, including breakfast, without a drink. Johnny Walker Red and water was his drink of choice, although I knew how to make a mean screwdriver by the age of 10. If it wasn't hard liquor, it was Bud Light. If Dirk wasn't drinking, I was wondering what was wrong. He once got to drunk that he decided it would be a great idea to take my sister and I on a ride in our Porsche on the icy country roads, after having an argument with my mother, resulting in us losing control and spinning on the ice, something that gravely scared my mother as well as us. Scaring people was something he absolutely loved doing, and would talk about his intimidation tactics and whom he had used them on frequently, violence and intimidation were standard ways of dealing with issues. During this time I dealt with issues of self worth at school as well, trying to fit in and not really knowing where to turn.

My friends at this time consisted of a mixture of personalities. Most of the kids had their groups that they had since elementary school, but I had gone to 5 different elementaries, so I didn't have that core group of friends. I threw myself into basketball and school, trying to be the best at everything I did, not the best I could be, but the absolute best, because anything short of that, in my mind, was unacceptable. The basketball court was my happy place, and I spent every free minute I had at one of the basketball courts in town, playing pick-up games or one-on-one with my mother, which was always a tough game as she is an extremely talented ball player. I dealt with a lot of rumors and nasty comments as my mother was my coach and comments such as "you only start because your mom is the coach" were thrown at me almost daily. Comments like these stuck with me, making me work that much harder. I was constantly trying to outdo myself and my peers, just to feel some sense of worthiness.

Social functions were a huge source of anxiety for me, as I was constantly second guessing the words that came out of my mouth. Something I still deal with daily, at the grocery store, church, wherever really. One school function will never leave my memory, unfortunately. I was at the Corn Festival dance in Glenwood with a bunch of my friends, and their parents who were chaperoning. Dirk had gone out with some of his friends and decided to come crash the kids dance. He came into the church, found me in the middle of the dance floor, and just starting screaming nonsense at me, in front of everyone, drunk, I was mortified. My friends mom jumped into action, shooing me away into the girls bathroom until they had successfully gotten him out of the building, to say I was embarrassed is an understatement. This wasn't the worst thing to happen in middle school though, that would come where I least expected it, and with zero support.

When we lived in Glenwood, a family with 3 young kids moved in across the street. The father befriended Dirk, and we all became family friends. I would babysit for them a lot when they would go out together, this was a very normal thing until one night. The mom was out of town, the oldest daughter at her father's house, and the dad out with his friends at the bars. I went to bed in the oldest daughters bed, waiting to fall asleep. Around 1 am, the dad came stumbling in, drunk as a skunk. He then proceeded to come into the room I was sleeping in, and crawl into bed. I told him that he was in the wrong room, he proceeded to say "I know", and continued to lay there. I was paralyzed, what was I supposed to do? I had been raised to be a people pleaser, how was I going to gracefully get out of this situation? He then proceeded to try to touch me, I finally came to my senses and jumped up and ran home. I cried all night long, waiting for Dirk to wake up so I could tell him. The time came, he woke up and I told him. He told me "He was just drunk and probably thought you were his wife." I was dumbfounded, his wife?! are you serious?! This bedroom was on the other side of the house! I felt worthless, dirty, and that my body didn't matter. This is not a lesson a little impressionable girl should learn. I learned more about sex, unhealthy sex, in the next few years than any young person should.

Ok, I promise I will get to the lighter, easier things, but the only way to get to that point, is to get through the hard stuff. Stick with me! You don't get to appreciate the beautiful light without trudging through the darkness :)

#self healing #trauma #mental health #growth #living with cptsd #bpd

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years

Text

Sanctuary -Chapter 19

Warnings: profanity

Tagging: @valkyrie-of-the-light, @alievans007, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @innerpaperexpertcloud

Nik has managed to arrange a private flight; a jet owned by a high-profile business big wig she's provided previous -and successful- services for. He has all the toys and all the connections: his own gulf stream, no checking of passports and baggage through either the small municipal airport in Telluride or the much larger one in Belfast, a flight manifesto with all fictitious names, and absolutely no contact with the general public. Normally Yaz would fly them in and out of extractions, but with many unknowns and the need for him to run point on the tech side of things in Ireland, a private flight had been the best and safest choice.

Tyler had taken the seat at the very back of the jet; preferring to space himself out from the other two passengers and the small flight crew. He'd needed a chance to clear his head; a stampede of thoughts surging through his already weary brain. Unable to get Millie's meltdown out of his mind, the way she'd become a child possessed and he'd had to physically restrain her. Heart still aching over the words she'd said: “I hate you”, “Don't come back. EVER.” Stunned by the vehemence and hostility that had just spewed from such a tiny, innocent body. The look of the utmost betrayal written all over her face.

And his wife. That heartbroken, lost, and haunted look in her eyes when she'd kissed him goodbye. The way she'd clung to him when the made love for the last time; her hands slowly moving over his body, as if committing every inch of him to memory. Of their desire to have another baby: the first and last. And how he hopes and prays that the news doesn't come while he's away.

His eyes are closed, arms folded over his chest, legs stretched out under the seat in front of him when he feels someone slip into the seat beside him. And he cracks open one eye just as McCann, a glass of whiskey in his hand, plops down next to him. Part of him wants to tell the guy to fuck off; after all, he's the main reason behind Millie's meltdown and harsh words and Esme's heartbreak. But his more logical and humane side reminds him that this is a man who genuinely needs someone to prop him up Who is going through quite possibly the worst shit a husband and a father could ever deal with.

“It's always hard saying goodbye,” McCann says, as he sips his drink.

Tyler nods. “My wife takes it pretty bad. She's been struggling with some things. Since Dhaka.”

“PTSD?”

“Undiagnosed. But yeah, I think so.”

He'd been so caught up dealing with his own issues and getting Ovi the help he needed, that her struggles had bee pushed to the back burner. And they've spent so much time, effort, and energy during their five years of marriage having a babies and raising them, that he's never really pressed the issue of her getting some kind of help. But he sees it. Every day. The way she struggles with her up and down moods; hyper and manic one moment, horrifically down and depressed the next. Her battle with self confidence since having Declan and being unable to lose the last ten pounds she is always obsessing about. The sleep issues. The days when she can't even get out of bed because the weight of the world is just wearing her down.

“How about your kids?” McCann asked. “How do they handle it?”

“The baby's too young to understand anything. The twins handled it pretty well. They're just disappointed that we didn't get to do all the things I promised we would when I got back last week. My daughter...” he sighs, leaning his head back against the seat. “...she didn't take it too well.” He leaves it at that. It's too painful to relive, and the man sitting beside him doesn't need to know every detail of what goes on behind closed doors.

“She's a daddy's girl?”

Tyler nods. “Well, she was. I'm not so sure about now.”

“Kids are resilient,” the other man reasons. “By tomorrow she'll have bounced back and all will be forgiven.”

“I hope so. She's a stubborn little thing. Like her mother. She doesn't forgive and forget easily. If at all. I've been on my wife's shit list a few times and the past and it felt like I was never getting off of it. She's amazing though,” he smiles. “She's put up with a lot. Keeps putting up with a lot. I haven't always been the best husband for her. I'm not an easy person to live with. Yet she keeps hanging in there and giving me chance after chance.”

While infidelity has never been an issue, his own struggles with mental health problems and substance abuse has caused a lot of angst within the last few years, as has his often volatile temper and his need for control and issues with seeing her as a possession instead of an actual person. But they've battled through it; a lot of fights, counselling, even a trial separation when the twins were only two.

They latter they'd kept a secret from everyone they knew. Friends and family alike. It had been the wake up call that he'd needed; living in a shitty hotel, relegated to seeing his kids once every two weeks, wanting so badly to beg and plead with her to just take him back yet his pride never actually allowing him to do it. For six months they'd lived like that. Barely speaking except for him he'd stop by to grab the kids or when he took them home. Never actually setting foot in the house, instead having to carry on awkward and tension filled conversations with her on the front porch. Until one night she'd called him and said she missed him. That she wanted him to come home.

After that he'd made it his mission to make up for all the bullshit he'd put her through.

“You're lucky,” McCann says. “That you found someone like that. Not many in the game manage to, you know. It's hard finding someone that gets it. That understands why we do what we do. It's a hard life. Not just for us, but for them too. Having to put up with us gone all the time, taking care of a house and a family all on their own. It's why so many people in this job never get married. Or if they do, it never lasts long.”

Tyler thinks about G. Finally meeting the love of his life and settling down, only to never get the chance to grow old and gray with his bride.

“Drink?” McCann offers. “I can wave the stewardess over.”

“I'm fine, mate. Thanks. I'm trying to stay clean for a couple of weeks. I've been going a little overboard lately and I need to slow down. For my family.”

“Battles with the bottle?”

Tyler hesitates on using the word 'alcoholic'. He's never felt that things have been that out of control. At least not within the past five years.

“I struggle from time to time,” he admits. “It's my weakness. I try not to let it beat me.”

“Must be hard. Seeing what you see. Doing the things you do.”

“It has it's moments,” he agrees.

“You know,” McCann downs the remains of his drink, the motions to the stewardess that he'd like another. “You didn't have to stay in a hotel. I've got enough room at my place. Why waste the money?”

“I'm not actually paying for anything. Nik takes care of all that. I appreciate the offer, but I work better on my own. When I have my own space and my own little bubble. I focus a lot better. Besides, the last time I stayed under the same roof as someone while doing a job, I ended up marrying them. And no offence, but you're just not my type.”

McCann laughs at that. “None taken. I can definitely understand why you'd prefer to stay under the same roof with her. I hear Nik has a little project she's working on. Starting up the business in North America.”

Tyler nods.

“She said she asked you to run it. You given it much thought?”

“If I had to give my answer now, it would be yes. But ask me in two weeks. It all depends on how things go while we're in Ireland. Things go nice and smooth, then I go for it. Things go to shit, then I just go home and keep doing what I'm doing now. I've already told Nik this is my last year. That I'd give her twelve months and than I was walking away. My family needs me. They deserve to have me home. And we're trying to have another baby, so...”

“Another one? Five all together? You're mighty brave. Both of you. Why not go for two? Make it an even half dozen?”

“I don't think my wife would go for that. Unless this one ends up being twins too. If I do take the offer from Nik, I'd be home more. Not so much time out in the field. And let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. My mind may say yes, but my body is very much telling me no. I don't know how much more I can put it through before it just gives out entirely.”

“I keep telling myself...and my wife...that I'm going to give it up,” the other man muses. “I've been saying it every year for the last six. But something always comes up and I just keep hanging in there. My wife's a lot like yours. Stubborn as all hell. Fiery temper. Likes to hold a grudge from time to time. But she keeps me around. Lord knows why. I've put her through a lot. Because of the job,”

“I guess we're both lucky then,” Tyler reasons. “We both managed to find that balance. Between the job and a real life. It's not easy. Far from it. But it's worth it. Every time she smiles at me. Every time my kids hug me or tell me they love me. It makes all the bullshit worth it.”

McMann nods in agreement, slowly sipping his drink. Contemplative now. Eyes dark. Lips set in a thin, firm line.

“We'll find them, mate,” Tyler assures him. “We'll find them, and we'll bring them home.”

“I've been thinking about what you said the other day. When you talked about why you didn't want to be the one to get the kids. About not wanting to have to choose between the two of them. If you knew you could only get one or the other.”

“I never should have said that. I was way out of line. I never...”

“You made a very valid point. As much as it hurt to hear you say it. What if you couldn't get both out at once? What if you knew there'd be no chance of going back to get the other? How would you decide? If you had to pick between your two sons. Your twins. Which one would you pick?”

“I wouldn't,” Tyler's answer comes easily. With absolutely no hesitation. There isn't a scenario that he hasn't run through his mind at least once or twice. A solution that he hasn't come up with. “If it came down to that, I’d make a deal. My life for both of theirs. If something like that were to happen, it would mean that whoever it is, is after me. They don't want my kids. Not really. They just know that taking my kids will bring me to them. I'd give them what they want. Me. As long as it means they let go of my kids.”

“And if they won't? Let them go?”

“Then they better make sure the first bullet is the one that kills me. Because I won't go down easily. I'll do whatever it takes to save my kids. Or my wife. So they better make sure they put me down permanently the first time because I'm going to just keep getting back up.”

McMann nods slowly, considering the words as he swirls the ice within his glass.

“If you're not willing to do that, what the hell are we even doing here, mate? If you're not willing to sacrifice yourself for your kids, so they can live and get home to their mother, why are you even bothering with all of this? You know it's you that they want. They're just using your family to get to you. If it comes down to it, are you willing to give yourself up so your kids will get back to their mom?”

“They have to have a mom to get back to you. That's your job.”

“And I'll do my job. I'll find your wife. I'll get her out of there. But I'm not worried about my end of things. I've got my shit under control. But if you're not willing to give up your life for your kids, this is all for nothing. You don't offer yourself up, they'll kill all of you. You pick one kid over the other and you'll kill yourself in the end. Because you'd never be able to look at yourself in the mirror again. You wouldn’t be able to live with yourself. So you better be ready for that, mate. To make that choice. Yourself or them. Because it's a damn good possibility that that's going to happen.”

McCann finishes his drink in one large gulp. Coughing as the whisky burns his throat. “And what if you've got a choice to make? When you find my wife? If they want your life for hers? What decision are you making?”

“It's simple,” Tyler says. “I'm going home to my family. And it's not going to be in a body bag.”

The other man blinks at the brutal honesty.

“Let's get one thing straight. I'm here to help you. I'm not here to die for you. For any of you. If it comes down between me and your wife, I'm being a selfish bastard and choosing me. Because I've got my own wife at home. I've got four kids. And I made a promise to all of them that I was coming home. Alive. And no one is going to stop that from happening.”

“Your family gets the money,” McCann reminds him. “If you don't make it, they still get the money. As long as my wife gets out of there.”

“I don't give a shit about the money. Five and a half years ago, when I had a death wish, I would have gladly gone in there and offered myself up for a complete stranger. Back then I wouldn't have given a shit. I was close to putting a bullet in my own head, so it wouldn't have mattered if someone did it for me. But now? I have way too much to lose. People that count on me. Depend on me. And as big of a dick as I sound for saying it, your wife's life is not worth more than mine.”

“I'm counting on you, Rake. I'm counting on you to get her out of there. To make those bastards pay. Don't fuck me over just because all of a sudden you can't take the heat or because you get a little squeamish.”

“I can take the heat. And I don't get squeamish. We're not buddies. We're not partners. So you better watch who you threaten. I'm not scared of you. Or your buddies in the IRA. You asked for my help. I could have easily just told you to fuck off and leave me alone. But I'm here. I'm on your side. And if you're the one that's planning to fuck me over, you better start thinking twice right about now.”

“You don't trust me?”

“I don't trust anyone. It isn't personal. If I find out there's any hidden agenda or something you're not telling me, you better run and hide. Run far. Find the darkest, deepest hidden place you can. I will come for you. If I get to Belfast and this was all some kind of bullshit to get me away from my family...to make me vulnerable...there isn't going to be a place I can't find you.”

McCann smirks. “Now you're threatening me?”

“That's not a threat. That's a promise. Don't fuck me over. I'm warning you right now. Because if I come for you, you better have a goddamn army to help you out. All those stories you've heard? The things I've done? The people I've killed. They're all true. Bigger and better than you have tried to put me down. And I'm still here. So if this is some kind of game...”

“This is all true. Every word of it. The videos you saw. All real. This isn't some kind of ploy to get you into a strange place and catch you off guard. This is exactly what it is. A job. I need your help. No games. No bullshit.”

“Fair enough,” Tyler says, once more leaning his head back against the seat and closing his eyes. Hoping the other man will take the hint and leave him alone.

“You just do your job, Rake. You get my wife out of there and you make those bastards pay. In whatever way you have to. I need you to give me your word. That you won't leave her there. That you won't just drop her off in the middle of nowhere or leave her in the street. At least give me that. At least give me your word that you'll do whatever it takes. That you'll make them pay.”

He sighs and opens his eyes, seeing the hand that is being offered.

“You have my word,” he says, and they shake on it.

*****

While not exactly five star, the hotel in Belfast is a far cry from the one he’d stayed at in Dhaka. Clean. Spacious enough for two queen sized beds. Fresh carpet and paint; no unusual or concerning stains lingering on the walls. No weird smells. No obnoxious noise from the street below. Running water -hot water at that- and a normal shower and tub. A toilet that flushes.

There’s two closets. The first one he uses to stash his clothes and personal effects. The second he uses for the ruck sack filled with weapons; using an abnormally large and powerful combination lock looped through the handles on the doubles door to keep it safe and secure. He removes the holster from his right hip; setting both it and the Glock in the top drawer of the nightstand that separates the two beds.

He hangs the Do Not Disturb sign on the outside of the hotel room door, then sets both the locks; deadbolt and flimsy chain. Toes his boots off and leaves them in front of the closet that holds the weapons. The SAT phone he uses to send a message to Nik that he’s arrived and to expect a call soon from her brother, then he places it in the drawer next to the Glock. There’s an unlocked mini bar in the far corner; next to the dresser and the wall mounted TV. Locating the remote, he turns the latter on and selects a local news channel, volume on low as he grabs a travel bottle of scotch from the bar and cracks open the seal. He doesn’t even consider grabbing a glass from the small kitchenette, taking a long pull straight from the bottle as he stands in front of the sliding glass door that leads out onto the small balcony. The room overlooks the downtown area, much cleaner than the market area in Dhaka. Less populated. White mini lights strung up in the trees that line the curbs, shops with illuminated closed signs, flashing neon advertising which bars and restaurants are open to patrons.

His stomach growls. Prompting him to make a mental note to order room service.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he places the bottle of scotch on the floor and his elbows on his knees, running his hands over his weary face, then clasping his hands together and closing his eyes. Contemplating his first moves when the new day breaks. He has to wait for Yaz to get some information; even the smallest tidbit that will send him in the right possible direction. Wandering aimlessly through town will only draw unnecessary attention. People will find who he is and what he’s there for when the time is right.

He opens his eyes, meeting his own reflection in the glass. His beard needs a trim. He already needs to take the clippers to the shortest parts of his hair.

He’ll do that in the morning.

Taking another swig of scotch, he stands up; wincing as his knees crack noisily. He finds his cell phone in the inside pocket of the flack jacket that he’d worn from the airport and now hangs in the unlocked hall closet. Hitting the second number on speed dial as he slides open the patio door and steps outside. The air is crisp and fresh; an unusually cool evening for summer in Ireland, he’d been told by the desk clerk. And he takes a seat on one of the patio chairs just as the call reaches the fourth ring and someone finally answers.

“Hey,” he greets, his heart immediately feeling a hundred pounds lighter at the familiar sounds of his ‘normal’ life in the background; the dog barking, the kids squabbling, the baby giggling and attempting speech.

“Hey,” he can hear the relief in her voice. He knows she’s smiling. “Did you just get in?”

“About half an hour ago.”

“What time is it there?”

“Eight thirty. PM.” He does the math in his head. He’s seven hours ahead. Making it one thirty, her time.

“How was the flight?”

“Long. No issues though. I don’t know who this guy is that Nik knows or what she has on him that he’s so willing to cough up his private jet, but I’m not going to complain.”

‘Maybe they’re friends. Special friends. If you catch my drift.”

He grins. “Maybe. I’m sure she has a lot of special friends.”

“You sound tired.”

“I am. Tired. Sore. Hungry.”

“Well make sure you eat. I know how you get when you start throwing yourself into something. You won’t do anyone any good if you’re trying to run on an empty tank.”

He smirks. “Worrying about me from even thousands of miles away, huh?”

“It’s what I do, Tyler. I worry. I try to take care of you. It would be a lot easier if you weren’t so damn stubborn. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he picks the bottle of scotch up off the ground and takes a swig. “You okay?”

“I guess. As good as I can be. The first couple of days are the worst. But I manage.”

“The kids?”

“They’re doing okay. They get sad and weepy every now and then. Tyler is grumpy as all hell. He is so much like you. He even has the same facial expressions when he’s mad or irritated. I see so much of you in him. Tanner is really stepping in to help him through things. He’s an old soul, that one. He’s just so sensitive and so intuitive. Such a big heart in such a tiny body.”

“Like his mom. All the best stuff he got from you.”

“Oh I don’t know about that. He got some pretty amazing things from you, too.”

He smiles at that. “And Millie?”

“She’s pretty bitchy. I’ve had to send her to her room twice already today. She’s just snapping at everything and taking it out on her brothers. She’s stronger than she looks. She almost beat the living shit out of Tyler because he looked at her the wrong way. And you know how strong and tough he is. Your daughter does not take shit from anyone. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, at least we know she’ll be able to handle herself when she gets older if some asshole tries anything with her. But at the same time, she should not be beating the crap out of her brothers. She even goes after the baby. And all he’s doing is baby things.”

“I’ll talk to her tomorrow. If she’ll talk to me, that is.”

“She’ll be fine, Tyler. She’ll be happy to hear your voice. She’s already asked about you. Three times. If you’d gotten to Ireland yet and if you’d called to say you were okay. I know she feels bad. For what she said to you. Please don’t let it bother you. She’s a little girl. She just worries about you and misses you. She didn’t mean what she said. Don’t hold it against her.”

“I don’t. I just thought I had a lot of years to go before she said something like that. Like when I started scaring potential boyfriends off. I swear to God, if she brings home some guy with weird hair and tattoos…”

“You basically just described yourself,” his wife laughs.

“You like my hair.”

“I love your hair. You know she’s going to bring someone home that you just despise, right?”

“I’m going to despise all of them. Not just one of them. All of them. None of them will be good enough for her. Not a single damn one.”

“I’m sure someone will come along that you like. Maybe someone like you. A military guy.”

“Uh, yeah, no. That’s definitely not what I want for her.”

“I don’t know, you’re a pretty good catch. And you’re ex military. So…”

“Ex. You hit the nail on the head. Ex. Look what I do now. Is that really what you want for our daughter? This kind of life?”

“I think you’re overreaching. There’s a big difference between her finding a military guy and her finding a mercenary. And where would she ever find one of those?”

“You found me,” he points out.

“Only because I was already in the job. Our paths would never have crossed if I hadn’t had been. I doubt that is going to be a lifestyle that she choice. She’s beautiful and smart and…”

“So are you.”

“…and we’ll do our best to get her on a different path. That’s years away, Tyler. Why stress about it now? And why talk as if this is the worst possible life to have? It isn’t. I know you get down on yourself and you think you’re a failure as a husband and a father. You think that I hate you and that I hate this life. But I’ve never once hated you. Ever. And I don’t hate this life. It’s not my most favourite thing and it’s hard. But I walked into this. Willingly. I fell in love with you. I chose you. And I don’t regret that. So please don’t ever think I do.”

Silence falls between them as he considers her words; the power of them both comforting and overwhelming. And he closes his eyes against the hot, bitter tears that threaten.

“Tyler?”

He clears his throat noisily. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he assures her. “I miss you.”

“Already?” he can practically hear the grin on her face. “That was quick.”

“I missed you the second I got on the plane,” he admits.

“I miss you too, baby. It was hard this morning. Waking up and not having you there. With your messy hair and your sleepy little grin. The way you kiss me awake. And the way you do other things to wake me up.”

He grins at that.

“Most of all, I just miss you. I miss your smell. The sound of your voice. Your smile. The way it crinkles the corners of your eyes. I miss all those things.”

He can hear the emotion in her voice; the way it chokes at her. And he can’t hold back the tears any longer; allowing them to flow freely down his cheeks and the sides of his nose.

“Please be safe,” her voice is barely above a whisper. “Because if anything happens to you…”

“I’ll be fine,” he assures her, and uses the back of his hand to wipe the tears away. “You know how you said you didn’t trust McCann? That something about him just doesn’t feel right? And I said you were probably just on edge? Well I’m starting to think you’re right.”

The line crackles as she moves the phone from one ear to the other. “What’s happened?”

“Just a conversation we had on the plane. The other day when we first met, he wanted me to be the one that goes for the kids. I told him that I couldn’t do it. That I wouldn’t do it. That I didn’t feel confident that I’d be able to safely get three of us out. One kid was enough in Dhaka. And he was a teenager. Not a little one. I told him that he should be the one to get his kids. That I’d deal with the wife.”

“Makes sense. I mean, they might panic if they saw you. A complete stranger all dressed up like he’s going to war. That would just make things worse if they got scared and freaked out. They won’t do that if it’s their dad.”

“Exactly what I thought. It just makes more sense. I brought up what would happen if I could only get myself and one of them out of there. How would I make that kind of decision? About which kid lives or dies?”

“Tyler…” she sighs. “…don’t do this…”

“He threw it back in my face on the plane. He asked me how I would choose. If it came down to the twins. If I knew I could only get one of them out alive. Which one would I pick?”

“Tyler…”

“I told him I wouldn’t. That I’d make a deal. My life for both of theirs. It’s me someone would want. Not them. They’d just be using the kids to get to me.”

Silence from the other end.

“Esme?”

“I’m here,” the sadness hangs heavily in her voice. “Tyler, why are you…?”

“I would do it. In a heartbeat. Offer myself up for them. For any of my kids. For you.”

“I know. But…”

“It was weird. How he responded to that. Like he wasn’t on the same page. What father wouldn’t do that for their kids? Especially when he knows that he’s the one they want? What father wouldn’t give himself up to save his children? I can’t wrap my head around that. Then he asked me I’d do if it came down to saving myself or his wife.”

“And you said…”

“I told him that her life isn’t worth more than mine. That I have my own wife and my own family and I’m going home to them. And it’s not going to be in a body bag. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a selfish prick now.”

“It’s not selfish. It’s smart. It’s self preservation.”

“There’s something not quite right about this guy. I didn’t like the way he acted when I talked about how he might have to sacrifice himself for his kids. He was reluctant. He wasn’t willing to make that choice. And that’s fucked up. To me, anyways. It should be an easy decision to make. At least in my eyes.”

“Be careful, Tyler. Watch your back. Even more so than you usually do. Something isn’t right here. And I think you’re beginning to think that way too.”

“Yeah…” he finishes off the scotch. “…I am. I miss you,” he says once more. “I miss you so fucking much.”

“I miss you too. Be safe, okay? Come home in one piece.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Go and get something to eat. And try to get some sleep. You’ve got a big job ahead of you. I’m proud of you, just so you know. I’m so proud of you, Tyler. For doing the things you do. For other people. I know it’s not easy on you. But you still do it. You still put people ahead of yourself. Even knowing the consequences. Even knowing the ending might be horrible. You’re the strongest person I know. And the bravest. Whether you want to hear that or not. Whether you want to admit it. Ovi was right. When he said you were brave for rescuing people. You are.”

“I love you,” he manages through another wave of tears. “Just know that I love you. That I always have, I always will.”

“Please don’t talk like that. It sounds so…final.”

“I just want you to hear it. I just want you to remember it. Just in case.”

“I love you too. I’ve loved you right from the beginning. I meant it. When I said it to you on that bridge. I know it was way too soon. It shouldn’t have made any sense. But I meant it. I love you and I can’t wait for you to come home. Please be careful.”

“I will. I’ll call you tomorrow. Hug and kiss the kids for me. Tell them I love them. That I miss them. That I’ll be home soon.”

“I will,” she promises. “And eat, Tyler. Get something in your stomach. And then get some sleep. Or try to at least.”

“I love you,” he says one last time.

“I love you, too. We’ll talk soon.” And with that, she disconnects the call.

Sighing, he places his cell phone on the ground beside the empty bottle of scotch and runs his hands over his face. Unable to shake the feeling that he’s walking straight into hell.

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fiction #tyler rake fan fic #extraction #sanctuary #chris hemsworth character

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verlysgaminglife · 7 years

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hi everyone

it’s been ages since I have updated you all on my life and what has been going on. for quite a while I really haven’t had much energy to do much of anything. I’ve played a few visual novels here and there to keep myself from going crazy (literally) but other than that. All I’ve really done is stay in my room and sleep, stare at my computer blankly and just go through the motions to get through each day.

I didn’t want to bring anyone down with my lousy mood so I didn’t bother blogging. With this blog prominently being about gaming I didn’t really have much to say at the time. At times I did, but I just didn’t know how when my feelings were all a jumbled mess.

but things are changing both around here and somewhere else as well.

a very, very extremely long post after this cut. but, I wanted to give a full update of where in the heck I’ve been

I recently received some news the shook my whole world. one of the major events in addition to the low self-esteem I already had from my childhood though my mid-twenties was the two year relationship I had with a narcissistic man who wrecked my self image even more in the brief period of time. (someone who always “encouraged” me to change my appearance and just about everything about myself with backhanded compliments) and was unbenounced to me cheating behind my back. I was a fiance one moment and within six months I had been replaced with someone he had gotten pregnant.

I should have been able to put this behind me since it happened back when I was 25 (i’m 42 now) but between the years he would either email or pop up randomly at my family’s business to “say hello and catch up on things) he was married with children by then and I of course wanted nothing to do with him.

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression before I met him, but being with him and then after ending things having to deal with not knowing if he was going to turn up or randomly email me once in a while was stressful and I felt horrible for his wife as well. I knew that if he was doing this on occasion that there HAD to be at least somebody else that was not turning him down and I felt sick.

The last time I heard from him was before my family sold our business. he and his wife were ending things. (shocker she finally had had enough) but he had this *brilliant* idea that I was going to apparently drop everything I was doing and be a live in nanny to the children that he didn’t want to have with me. yeah, he not only wanted to hurt his wife he suggested something that was a twisted knife in the gut for me as well. and he asked with such a calm carefree look on his face like he hadn’t said the most terrifying thing I had ever heard in my life.

I looked at him, opened my mouth to respond and this series of “no’s started pouring out of my mouth. “no, no no, oh, no. no, no, no, no” He looked at me in shock, and I was even kind of shocked. and i’m like,. “ uh, sorry, but I can’t do anything like that. do you understand that what we had was an abusive relationship? I am having problems standing next to you right now. you’re constant negative opinion and criticism of me still causes emotional scarring to this day. there is no way I can go back to that kind of situation again. “

well, since that day I’ve never heard from him again. he was moving to another state. my family and I had soon after that sold our business and moved within the same city, but out of town onto our own property. I had put my facebook on private so that only people on my friendslist could see my profile and with my agoraphobia acting up I don’t really leave my house all that much so running into him was not going to be an issue.

as some of you know and have played many games over those 4 years. I was working on a master’s degree when I first started this blog and FINISHED IT! woo hoo! for the first time in my life I finally started to get real professional help about my mental health and I was finally diagnosed with the conditions that I have always suffered from. I have now been on proper medication for two years now and I feel much better. (I’d rather be ON my medication when I go through a rough period like I have recently then what I struggled with most of my life)

but in the midst of all of this I was always worried about doing too much online because I was afraid of attracting attention from him. I was on here sharing my gaming experiances and my playthroughs with photos and it had crossed my mind a time or two that it would be fun to do it on youtube, but anytime I thought of it I’d be frightened out of it by the thought of my phone ringing again.

well, at the beginning of the month I received a very surprising email. It was from his wife who I noticed was still using his last name. She had told me that she was looking through some things and due to her own emotional response to whatever she found..she thought of me and wanted to know how I was doing.

so, I replied that I was very shaky because I never thought that I’d here from her or him ever again. and she said well you do know he’s no longer here it’s just me and the boys now.

and I was like, yeah. I knew you guys were not together anymore. and then she sent me the most shocking story I will probably ever receive in my life. the reason she left him is because apparently he had upped his abusiveness after me and it finally became physical. they had 3 kids together. she was not only worried for herself but her kids as well. when he beat her she finally left. the cheating was bad enough, but she endured that for the sake of the kids, but she put the safety of them ahead of everything when he turned violent. On top of that. he came to see me and I let him know that OUR relationship was also an abusive one as well because verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. when I left that relationship behind I had always recollected that if he would have hit me I would have recognized it as abuse. I shiver at the thought of how lucky I was to get out of that, but I, just as I told her, in no way at all feel good about her having to suffer after me. and she was with him for much much longer. I recognized that with her as we communicated for a bit.

but there’s more. sadly, when he was confronted with the story’s back to back of how much he was an abusive asshole, he drank more alcohol than he probably ever had in his entire life at that point and shot himself.

There really were things about the guy that are admirable. I wouldn’t have dated him for two years if I didn’t see that and she wouldn’t have been married to him if she hadn’t seen it as well. we both said the same thing. what we mourned the most was that we both saw the same great potential he had because he was truly brilliant.

but the thing is, i’m not going to sit here and wax poetically over a guy that abused me (and his wife) and then practically stalked me (or at least made me feel that way) because I NEVER knew when he was going to contact me. especially because his wife sweetly asked me not to contact him.

the only time I did (and she was aware of it) is that I got the best part of our ended relationship. our dog. Max was such a great dog. When he finally passed away since Max was originally his dog I thought it was appropriate to let him know. My mom and I had sighed with relief at the time because as sad as we were we had thought that the last link between the two of us would be gone and he’d leave me alone.

I was in a mixed state of emotions for the first week that I heard the news. sadness, hurt, loss, pain, but over all of that was this overwhelming sense of relief. I will never be ok that he committed suicide. when I said I wanted him out of my life I never believed it would be this way. I’m crying again at the thought. so don’t misunderstand when I say I feel relief.

I always had this creeping feeling. like someone was always hovering over my shoulder. watching everything I type and If I became too visible with what I was doing I kept thinking...well... I’m trying to be open with the gaming community..but... on my about me page I’ve added my link to my origin, steam even my flight rising account. what am I going to do if he starts his shit again? and there is no way in hell I could do youtube no matter how much I think it would be fun and no matter how much think talking out loud would be good for my mental and emotional health.

yes, this is a long rambling post not only to update you on some horrible news, but to also let you all know that in the upcoming months I am indeed going to start what I had been wanting to do for many years now.

I sure hope your still here because this is the big news!

I’m going to have a youtube channel that’s called the same thing as my blog Verly’s Gaming Life. The idea for the channel is that it is partly about my obsession with video games and how that balances out my GAD (generalized Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia, and Agoraphobia.

I’m only going to play games that I have completed and love. There is no way I can do a first reaction video (not good for my anxiety) I am also a completionist gamer because it is one of the only situations in my life that I can control. it’s really one of the reasons that I love gaming in general. I can finally control something in my life. This is also why I never get too deeply involved within the game. like I get attached to the story hardcore, but I never become the character. I also make sure to keep an emotional distance from romantic characters in games.

I feel that people online seem to get, like, seriously overly attached to fictional characters. (and I say this with Penny and Thane still headlining my blog) they headline my blog because I’ve yet to find a story, that has captivated my heart like those too. but even so, I know that Thane was not a real person. I knew when people were going crazy online about the ending and I had to step away from BSN leaving some of my close personal friends behind while they were having a very very difficult time. I felt so tremendously bad for them, but I emotionally couldn’t do that.

with my anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia, I just couldn’t be more than painfully sad that my favorite character had died in a video game and than I added that painfulness to my story of how Penny would handle that. I won’t get into it because It’s not my story to tell, but there was a real important reason I personally wanted Penny to go into a relationship with Thane with her eyes open understanding that he didn’t have long to live and accepting that from the moment they started their relationship. that they cherished each day as they came and she tried to live like a drell so they could stay in her memories. That’s the story I wanted.

This is what I mean. I guess, when someone has a life living with mental illness we see the world in a different way and I want to share that experience with others.

Two days a week (monday and tuesday probably) I’m going to be playing my favorite rpgs (you all know what those are. lol) I’m going to start with the Mass Effect Trilogy and yes, I’m going to be playing Penny’s story.

on thursday and friday (casual friday) I plan to play my favorite visual novels and casual games that I’ve discovered over the past couple years. I really hope you check those out as well. Some have some amazingly deep stories and some are just cute. some of these games are just as involving and long as the rpgs are with stat raising, romances, an amazing female protagonist, some have complete voice acting (except for the MC which will be voiced by me anyway) and others do not. I even played one that had a base for the character, but let the person change the skin, eye and hair color of her. I thought that was pretty cool.

but in the midst of all of this on windsay I plan to upload, I guess a personal/progress diary of my mental/emotional health. because video games really are a huge part of my life the games I play can sometimes trigger an emotional response out of me. it might even trigger a painful memory. I might mention it while i’m filming that particular game of course, but I’ll be alaborating my feelings and how i’m doing on my weekly updates.

This is also a chance for my family and friends that don’t really understand me, heck, some of them haven’t even seen me in a long time because I’m so closed off in my room at times. I’m hoping the channel by me having to face a camera (yep, i’ve decided if i’m going to do this I might as well go all the way) will help me confront some of the issues I know I have get better.

no, I don’t plan to “make it big” this is really about my mental health. I no longer have the reason I was avoiding it to hold me back anymore. as sad as that reason is.

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ingridgovaninsights · 7 years

Text

Drink Up- A Short Story

Here I am, alone, stark naked in my one-bedroom apartment in the middle of the downtown core. I always preferred to be naked, for many reasons. The first reason was simply because I just got too hot all the time wearing so many layers. Another reason is that I just don’t understand why people get so embarrassed about showing their “bits”- everyone has ‘em, albeit some a little stranger looking than others, but at the end of the day they’re just body parts. Maybe I can’t really understand the concept of being embarrassed about my body, because I’ve always been relatively confident in the way I looked. It’s not like I was smoking hot by any means; I just never had an issue with accepting myself the way I was.

Well, physically, that is. I guess I should be more precise. Maybe if I had always been confident in myself emotionally and spiritually too, I wouldn’t be here now. But I suppose there’s nothing I can do about it now- it happened. All of it happened, whether I like it or not. Mostly not. All I can do is make the most of what I’ve got going for me, and I’ve got an okay body so I’m going to rock it.

I stood up from my rickety wooden kitchen chair and started making some coffee. It wasn’t the best tasting shit, but the off-brand was all I could afford. I used to put a splash of Bailey’s in my coffee every morning, but then it just turned into a bad habit. I didn’t see it then, but looking back now I was definitely going down a really slippery slope. Like, winter roads in Canada slippery. But hindsight’s twenty-twenty, isn’t it?

Pouring myself a tall mug of black coffee, I realized I was replacing alcohol with caffeine, which was definitely a hell of a lot better but it just seemed to be one addiction after the other. I thought back fondly to my high school days where I was absolutely addicted to World of Warcraft- my parents yelled at me constantly to go do something else, to get my homework done, to go outside into the real world for Christ’s sake, but I remained strapped to my office chair, eyes bloodshot, knocking back energy drinks and staying up well past four in the morning every night. It went on this way until my mom unplugged my desktop in the middle of a gaming session- I lost my mind, screaming and knocking shit off of my desk... until I had a moment of clarity in the middle of that outburst. I was going insane. All of this over a game?

I never played World of Warcraft again.

I took my mug of hot coffee back to my chair and looked out the window at the city. I was strategically placed where I could see people passing by, but they couldn’t see naked ol’ me. As I enjoyed my people-watching session, a song by the country band Midland came on the radio, loud and proud:

People say I got a drinkin’ problem

That ain’t no reason to stop

People saying that I hit rock bottom

Just cause I’m living on the rocks

It’s a broken hearted thinkin’ problem

So pull another bottle off the wall

People say I got a drinkin’ problem

But I got no problem drinkin’ at all

Three years ago, I’d like to think I was drastically different than I am now. I don’t identify with that man, the man that struggled for money but still scrounged up enough cash to buy cheap beer and get hammered night after night. I was the man that denied any sort of relationship I had with another man, because I was raised to think that was some kind of sin- I know, it’s as ridiculous as thinking lefties are the devil, or whatever the hell those crazy people went on about back in the day. These notions are so retro, so nonsensical, with no evidence to back them up. Homosexuals are committing a sin- ha, that’s as ridiculous as saying smoking is good for your health. Why did I give others’ opinions so much weight? I believed them, or at least I pretended to believe them, while deep down I was saddened that I had to live a lie and so I drank to gobble up that sadness.

It started off innocently enough- I was twenty-three and I had just graduated college, and what young college student didn’t have too much to drink from time to time? I told myself that every time I got drunk- I was just acting like the young demographic, and if other people did it, I would surely be fine. But as it turns out, I wasn’t drinking just for fun on the weekends like most of the college students were doing, which was considered a lot more reasonable than what I was doing, but I justified it to myself because I needed a reason to continue. I think the biggest thing was, there became a point where I wasn’t drinking for fun anymore, it was simply to numb myself from the fact that I was living in a homophobic neighborhood as an in-the-closet homosexual man.

My drinking spiraled out of control for a couple of years. My family tried to reach out to me, but I wasn’t listening. Drinking was far too important at the time. My moment of clarity happened when I was at a friend’s twenty-fifth birthday party, and all I really wanted to do was drink myself to sleep. Everyone around me was having a good time- the music was blasting, everyone was laughing, reminiscing about old times. I was somewhere else, mentally. Somewhere far, far away. Everyone else could so seamlessly be themselves- a man wrapping his arms around a woman; nobody saw anything strange about that. But even in the year 2018, you see two men or two women embracing one another and you do a double take.

At least, a lot of you do. Like “the homosexual” is some rare, endangered species. Well, maybe they wouldn’t be so endangered if the environment wasn’t so hostile.

Anyways. A couple of hours into the birthday party, I was already quite drunk. By that time my tolerance had gone up substantially, and so I needed to drink a hell of a lot to get to the point of being noticeably drunk. Looking back, it makes me quite sad. It was like a cry for help, really. I didn’t realize how much I was drinking until it was too late- one moment I was staggering around, chatting with old friends, and the next I was on the floor. Someone had to call for an ambulance. That was the last of the night I remembered.

I woke up in a hospital bed with my mom on one side and my dad on the other. My dad informed me that I had alcohol poisoning last night, and I had needed my stomach pumped. They said it had been quite bad; my blood alcohol level was dangerously high. I could’ve died.

It was time to stop.

I broke down and cried in front of my parents, and my mom wrapped me up in a hug and my dad awkwardly rested a hand on my shoulder. I told them I was gay, and I told them I desperately needed to move to a different neighbourhood. They said nothing for the longest time; I think they were confused.

For the first time in several years, I asked explicitly for their help. They helped me get into a treatment centre, where I vowed to get better. And I did, slowly but surely. That’s how I ended up drinking like six cups of coffee a day- sure, it was better than copious amounts of alcohol, but I’d eventually have to cut down on that, too. Soon enough.

After my treatment program was finished, I got my new apartment downtown. I warmed up to the neighbours, and I made friends. Hell, I even met a couple of cute guys, and as time went on I got more and more confident about being myself around them. Things would get better; they had to.

So I sat around my apartment naked, because why the hell not? Why not flaunt what you’ve got?

I smiled like an idiot, and gave a toast to my imaginary friends. To new beginnings. And so I drank up, that black coffee tasting like victory.

I’d be all right.

#writing blog #short story #creative writing #aspiring author #mental health blog #mental illness #addiction #alcohol addiction #end the stigma #lgbt writing #writing #story writing #young adult fiction #realistic fiction #canadian author

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the-traumaa · 5 years

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I’m gonna complain here because I can’t express things in any other form except telling strangers

I’ll delete this later but I would rather broadcast to the world than hurt myself so have my life story:

Tw: self harm, drug use, dissociation, possible mental illness, alcohol, nicotine, abusive father, overdoses, suicidal thoughts, cocsa

Alright so I’ve really gone through it the past 4 months.

I developed a pill problem, broke up with my gf a week before prom because I realized I didn’t actually like her and I didn’t want to put her through my drug and mental health issues, had a depressive episode. Overdosed and had a seizure the day after prom and had to intricately lie to my mom who barely believes me. Fell when I overdosed and bashed my head on cement, got really bad whiplash and started the shift in my friend group which caused 50% of us to stop being friends. Blamed myself for everyone, felt like I shouldn’t be alive, felt suicidal and numb, apologizes for being alive, for almost dying, for scaring the people there. I reminded myself of my father who’s a heroin addict. He gave me a good amount of trauma from constant overdosing snd being high and emotionally abusive, I convinced myself I traumatized the people who witnessed it happen and was crying every few minutes. Couldn’t do anything without crying. Cut myself a ton. Felt really worthless and undeserving.

Never dealt with any of this, everyone just kinda forgot about it. Made a slightly new friend group, talked about it once or twice. Old friend who was horrible to me for years say I have no morals or life goals after I stopped talking to her. Just trying to live. Friend who gave me the pills told me I didn’t actually overdose and I was overreacting. While I was texting everyone convinced I was dying, she told me “get up and play uno with everyone!” All my friends are playing blame game and fighting and I just want to feel like I deserve to live. That never really went away.

Now I have cocsa trauma, drug addict father trauma, poverty trauma, and almost dying trauma. Fun, great.

Every time friends hang out without me because I’m working I genuinely convince myself they despise me and would rather do anything else than see me. Pick a suicide date, write suicide notes. Tuck them away for a later date. Smoke a lot of weed. Drink a lot of alcohol. Start smoking cigarettes with a friend. Steal your moms cigarettes. Start smoking alone because feeling sick is all you deserve. Smoke a cigarette just to go to sleep.

Develop a habit of viewing the world in a dreamy state. Logic brain knows this is real life but anxious brain thinks I’m in a dream or I’m watching a movie and no one can see me. Sit there, disssociate, panic. Convinced I’m dying and no one can see it. Fleeting thought that I schizophrenic and my mom paid everyone in my life to go with my delusions. Believe it. Fleeting thought that this is The Truman Show and everyone is pretending to love and care about me. Believe it.

Be so constantly tired that I fall asleep sitting up. Barely get through a six hour work day. Cry in front of the Boss. Cry in front of co workers. Tell your co workers about your overdose. Spend all your money the second you get it because you don’t see a future for yourself.

Realize that if you stay alive the rest of your life is going to be trying to break the cycle of poverty and you’ll have to work your ass off just to breathe. Cry in the car in front of your mom who calls you lazy. Felt numb for an entire week and decided to stop talking to friends because they matter too much and it hurts when they aren’t with you every second of every day. Understand that’s not possible but be overwhelmingly upset anyway. Accidentally express it with anger.

Work at a theatre camp. The kids put on a show every Friday. Invite friends because you’re proud of kids. Friend talks about how much they want to go and then ditch on Friday. Act understanding. Have an episode every time they ditch. They ditch four weeks in a row. There’s only six weeks of camp. Mom ditches.

Be a half hour late for work because your mother (who has started dating and leaves you alone every night to go sleep with her boyfriend) let your heroin addicted emotionally manipulative physically abusive homeless father sleep on your brothers bedroom floor and he overdosed even though the rule was no drugs in the apartment. Wake up to police and EMT’s in the House. Haven’t seen him since. That was five weeks ago. Blame yourself for his homelessness even though he spent all your families money on drugs and made you all homeless twice prior. He refuses to stop doing drugs and tells Social Services “I’ll see my kids when they’re 18.” Feel the pit in your stomach. Hear your mother talk shit with your aunt, who is your fathers drug dealer. Don’t understand how people can do that to their own family. Chold protective Services opens our case again. This is upwards of the 8th time.

Have your brother tell you that your Father hasn’t done anything to you because “he never hit you” Invalidate your own emotional abuse. Remember that he threw ty into a wall and would hold you down and scream an inch away from your face. Remover when he was high and tried to pee on your bed. Remember. Remember. Remember. Decide it’s best not to bring that up to a 12 year old. Go in your room and cry.

So, that’s who runs this account. Props to you in you read it. I’m struggling :/

#really fuckinf long im sorry #sad #personal #actuallyabused #actuallytraumatized #vent #trauma #drug use #abuse #poverty

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drinkyourfuckingmilk · 8 years

Note

Do you have any particular documentaries you like ?

yes I have a list!!! I’ll copy and paste an old one I’ve used and updated recently. though a lot of the documentaries I watch are crime/psychology related so some of these are going to be morbid, just a heads up.

the crime/psychology list

- Making a Murderer: this one is on netflix, looks at possible police corruption, wrongful imprisonment and analyses a current murder trial. it’s pretty damn popular and it’s brilliantly well done (though frustrating on a lot of levels) so check it out. it’s about a current case too so there’s still new information to look up.

- There’s Something Wrong with Aunt Diane: a family tries to investigate what really happened the day diane schuler fatally drove into oncoming traffic with 6 children in her car. this one haunts me for some reason, not a lot of it makes sense in terms of her character.

- Dear Zachary: A Letter to His Son About His Father: very tragic story but good insight into how the justice system and child protective services need constant reevaluation and scrutiny, and the story also features probably the bravest and most supernaturally compassionate and strong couple I’ve ever seen like if you want just an example of two incredible human beings then pay attention to the mother and father.

The Boy Who Should Have Lived: looks at the story of a boy with a mental illness, his parents struggle to get him help and how the system utterly fucking failed him.

The 9/11 Faker: a woman who got away with pretending to be a survivor of 9/11 and the aftermath of her actions within the survivor group she totally fooled.

The Imposter: amazing documentary on a man who pretended to be a long lost missing child and disturbingly fooled a lot of people. I didn’t even think this one was real until the end.

- Back From the Edge: documentary on borderline personality disorder that interviews people living with the disorder (women AND men which is good, because borderline can seem like it presents quite differently in either gender).

- Boy Interrupted: about a boy named evan who suffered from bipolar disorder from a very young age. it looks at the genetic influences, how it affected the family in the aftermath, and it’s heartbreaking to see how the illness manifests itself in such a young child.

- Just Melvin, Just Evil: this one is centered around a large extended family and how child sexual abuse has affected its members. it’s got very triggering content for abuse survivors so avoid it if that’s a problem for you, but it’s actually a really important insight into how abuse contributes to poverty, alcoholism, dysfunction, self-harm, mental health issues and how that cycle is perpetuated)

- Child of Rage: looks at the rehabilitation of a child suffering from reactive attachment disorder which is when a child fails to develop emotional attachment or empathy for others (sometimes being the foundation of sociopathy/psychopathy), in this case due to sexual abuse and neglect. it involves recordings of therapy sessions with a young girl who experienced this and how she is treated for the disorder.

- Interview with Expert FBI Criminal Profiler: basically just an interview with one of my role models John Douglas who probably has one of the most extensive careers as a criminal profiler and conducted a huge body of research that contributed to the most effective methods of catching killers and preventing crime.

Love Crimes of Kabul: follows several women in a Afghanistan prison and their stories of what “crimes” had them imprisoned (just dont look through the comment section. this applies to all videos obviously but this one in particular).

History of the Capital Punishment: kinna self explanatory but really awesome because crime AND history.

Broadmoor: documentary on a psychiatric facility in Britain that contains violent offenders who suffer from mental illness, and looks at the rehabilitation process and at the morality of treating or punishing the patients/offenders)

India’s Daughters: documentary on the issue of rape culture in India and the sociopolitical aftermath of the rape and murder of a medical student, Jyoti.

Thin: follows several women in a treatment facility for eating disorders.

and if you’re just interested in crime and profiling etc then you can find most good 30 - 40 min crime documentaries on youtube from Crime Investigation Channel but keep in mind these can be quite full-on since some of them have “dramatic reenactments” of crime (and tbh some of them go over the top to the point where I feel like it can get disrespectful)

some history yaaaayyyy

Nanking: an interesting documentary that revolves around the foreigners who stayed behind in Nanking to create a Safety Zone for 200,000 chinese residents fleeing from the atrocities committed by the invading japanese military. It uses narration by actors and interviews with actual witnesses and survivors of the time.

Sorrowful Homecoming: a korean documentary (with subtitles) that follows a japanese journalist Takashi Ito who has been interviewing and advocating for korean survivors used as “comfort women” during wartime by japanese soldiers. this one is very upsetting and has a lot of sexual violence described so keep that in mind before you watch it.

The Romanov Dynasty: mini documentary series about each tsar and tsarina who ruled during the 300 year long romanov dynasty. IT’S SO WELL DONE and was made with so much love.

Marie Antoinette Documentary: one of the best documentaries on the historical bae who has always been grossly misunderstood and misrepresented even in modern history classes.

Mystery of the Romanovs: looks into the discovery of the remains of the Romanovs, insight into what happened the night they were murdered and investigation into the potential survival of Anastasia and/or Alexei.

Catherine the Great: the title says it all, gurl was great. amazing leader who knew exactly how to play the political/royal game and told all the men who tried to oppress or abuse her to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up y’all best recognize.

Servants: The True Story of Life Below Stairs: really cool little doco series on the people who served the upper class in the UK back in the day (Victorian, Edwardian eras etc) and what their daily lives were like and what kind of people they were.

And Man Created Dogs: how wolves/dogs evolved and bonded with us and became the natural BFFs of humans like god bless the power of evolution and oxytocin.

less morbid documentaries in general

- Babies: this is a lovely documentary (FOR A CHANGE). it doesn’t use interviews or voice overs, it just follows the development and differing parenting of four babies from four different nations: Japan, America, Namibia and Mongolia. it’s really interesting and excruciatingly cute.

- My Heart Belongs to My Dad: looks at 3 men doing their best to raise their children as single parents.

Nomadic Tribes of the Sahara: basically the title sums it up! the narrator is kind of annoying but it’s a really awesome look at how the tribes of the sahara adapt to live in such a scorching climate.

- Poor Kids: follows children in the UK who live below the poverty line and how their family’s make do from day to day

Search For Habitable Planets: because space is hella and maybe one day we’ll end up on one of these bad boys like not in my lifetime at least but hey.

An Astronaut’s Guide to Life in Space: mini videos about Chris Hadfield doing adorable and informative shit in space

Cosmos: everything you’ve ever wanted to know about everything that hurts your brain to even think aka the entire universe brought to you by Carl Sagan

Killing Us Softly 3: absolute favourite look into how advertising and the sexual objectification of women creates a horrible climate of low self-esteem, eating disorders, and violence etc against them

Planet Earth: if you haven’t seen david attenboroughs planet earth series then holy sHIT get on that because it’s so beautiful and the footage of the animals and landscapes and how he explains all of it is just perfect seriously I’ve watched this series more times than I can count.

The Union: Business Behind Getting High: super entertaining doco on the history and politics of weed and how we would benefit if it was legalized and how we should be goDDAMN USING HEMP AS A HUGE NATURAL RESOURCE.

and obviously if you haven’t checked out any of louis theroux’s documentaries then GET ON THAT

- list of some of his doco’s

youtube channels with more awesome documentaries

- Real Stories

- 20/20

- BBC History Documentaries Playlist

[some of the links might be broken as youtube is want to remove every good video from existence but just do a new search in youtube/google and you’ll probably find all of these]

#here ya go #Anonymous

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