#the fucking bazinga killed me

[divinit1]

Rizz, chat my kin list is Like, concerning help.

[littleguypumpkinsheep]

Just had a bazinga moment about Spy’s character.

In that one comic where he has a kid kill someone. He treats the situation So fucking well. When I first read his response to the kid saying he was scared, “Mm. Perfectly reasonable to be scared. We're all in a lot of danger right now.” I laughed because it sounded a little blunt, but actually? I would want to be talked to that way if I was a young, scared child as well. If Spy had said something generically soothing like there was nothing to be afraid of, it would confuse and make the kid panic when he was still afraid later on, potentially making him back out on the plan in a crucial moment and getting everyone killed. It reminds me of the way that you treat little kids who got into a car accident, by telling them to see if they’re still breathing and to check their pulse. If they can’t feel it, then they’re dead. Which is really soothing in the moment, because it’s a constant reminder that You’re Alive when your brain might be thinking you’re not.

[charlesnoentertainmentcheese]

casually leaking top secret files: elliots quote book. our little poet.

“my faggot bench!”

“magnussy”

“blast off! 😄 Its party time!!!😃🎉”

“theres not bugs in my bagel i swear”

“im allergic to josh hutcherson”

“I am a minimim”

“Oh worm i accidentally spelled banana”

“ive run off to play musical chairs”

“FUCK NO NO NO NOT MY SCARY SOAGETI PHAZE”

“Also the djungelskog is immune to fire I decided”

“I dont get it”

“Oh. Oh i see.”

“The camera be darriens”

“Hehehehehehheheh”

“hold my hand NOW!!!!”

“I smell potato. Im gonna die”

“Horray”

“NEW STATEMENT. ......of Jonathan sims...... Regarding a spooky book”

“Sonbign”

“wait wjos mr blinkkin”

“TUMMY HUT”

“STOP”

“WUAT

“STOP ADDING THINGS”

“GRRRR”

“ABAHABABAHABABHHABBAHABBAB”

“.....boob.............”

“Shit”

“Fuck”

“Damn”

“C O C K”

“I bite all of my friends [and you]”

“[Runs away] OW MY KNEES”

"i have a corrupt government plan"

“what if he had big naturals but it was just his eyebrows”

“earful? what about buttcheek full?”

“THE 😭😭😭MAGNUS😭😭😭 ARCHIVES😭😭😭”

“for someone who hates being mean to people-you talk a lot of buttcheek.”

“can i just have a peice of cheese? hooray!!”

“i have acquired cheese”

“giggling”

“*dabs*”

“its boobs** carter.”

“Because theyre fucking stupid, elliot.”

“Respond to me you buttcheek”

“you say thats the fattest thing youve ever heard—- have you heard yourself?”

“NOT YEAG”

“wait you need to add the-hold on i have to find it”

“im not gay”

“but men though”

“finish the story first awnwgh”

“WHO SAID THAT”

“I'M NOT A hOmOsExUaL”

“god FORBID”

“i hate gay people so much. i hope they all burn for their sins ooooh my name is elliot and im oh so hateful and i avtuslly said thtid. this isnt other elliot typing this up in hopes he will be cancelled, this is me, Josh Hutcherson saying i hate gay people.”

“Thats upsetting.”

“Rhe beabtles”

“KILL YOURSELF”

“sonbign”

“No bazinga”

“No, bazinga”

“No? bazinga”

“No! Bazinga?”

“no not lmoa”

“Good lord.”

“SOBBIGN”

“do i need to doxx this guys entire friend group.”

“I mean i said fuck it we ball but still”

“Nothing i thought we were just sharing what we were eating and what we were thinking abt”

“I know what im gonna wear… MY KNEE BRACES”

“Also im going to murder the guy that asked you to prom”

“hey dipper, if your show gonna make big money i can show you how to do tax fraud. wink wink.”

“it doesnt matter how it started it matters how its going”

“Mitchell…… ‘who is Migchel’ ‘mitchell…’ Cultist ‘woah’ *ex cultist ‘whyd he stop ☹️’ He got burnt at the stake 🤪 ‘HWTAP’ elliot sometimes i wish i understood the out of pocket shit you say’ :3”

“my plaSTIC NOOOOO”

“Will wood😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭”

“You die”

“OH MY FUCK MY QUEEADESA”

“DONT DROP HIM”

“HE WOULD PROBABLY DROP YOU TOO IF HE HAD LONGER ARMS”

“what if i slide into your bounce house”

“Autismo…Dont you mean… AWESOMEO”

“Wee woo”

“Movie tim…”

“THIS IS NO LAUGHI G BATTER”

“i am going to drink airport water real quick”

“i’m italian and german, im on the wrong side of ww2”

“im gonna bite someone do dododododo”

“mmm… medical help..”

“No like velcro”

“Is there a larry the cucumber in my bag right now, elliot.”

“MARTIN. STOP trying to TOUCH the PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE. just PUT YOUR HANDS in YOUR POCKETS or SOMETHING-“

Its crude oil! “Called it”

“if theres a will — WILL WOOD!”

“larold”

“stop rizzing up larry the cucumber.”

“This is…. larry the cucumber..”

“chiropracting…. OOOOW”

“i’m magnussing!”

“amongd us… what if amongst us?”

“i switch them out every other day” (referring to his collection of knees)

“dareiwn”

“FUCK ITS TOO LONG”

“😭🤣😭😭😭🧅😭so tried”

“His teerth aer nit skft😭😭😭😭😭”

“GOODFNINGET ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️”

“HOW DO YOU SAY MISSIPIPI”

“I’m serving cunt and ceaseless watcher”

“oh its my cult!”

“i was met with- BOOM TITTIES!!!”

“its a cult ritual ☝️”

“They crabs FUCK dude”

“Sigh. Faggot.”

“I love hole(s)”

“MISTER WHAT.”

“i wanna punt that kid into the sun. i want to make field goals with him, nevermind, i want to use him as the ball.”

“actually my mommy loves me very much”

“Booyah.”

“I love it when Mitski plays without my consent”

“Gerlad!!”

“Jaws the shart”

“THE REASON I KEEP GOING OFF SPEAKER IS BECAUSE I AM NOT SPEAKING I AN SCREAMING”

“I just perpetually hit the reblog button” (stuttering and on the verge of tears)

“They looked at tma and thought not gay enough”

“he suffers from white.”

“I didn't know your dog could bake”

“im not crying i swear i just have really wet autism eyes”

“What if. I forgot”

“Back in my day we didn't have no anti depressants. We just killed ourselves.”

“MAYcy”

“AAHHHH I KNOW THAT BALD HEAD ANYWHERE”

“THERE ARE COMMUNISTS IN MY FUNHOUSE”

“this is disgusting and i am going to be smearing it on my face”

“thats not charlie thats jesus hate to break it to you”

“im not crying okay? im batman.”

“THATS NOT ME ITS SHAKESPEARE, MODERN DAY SHAKESPEARE: HIS NAME IS WILL WOOD.”

“You look balder than usual.”

“asmr youre being eaten alive”

“THERES A TRAIN GOING ON BY MY HOUSE IM FUCKING TWEAKING I LOVE TRAINS SO MUCH”

“autism be damnked my boy can cook a bbq”

“autism win💀💀👻”

“Jonathermostat”

“let me give andrew the biggest, wettest, autism eyes ever.”

“hey bucko- hey FUCKo”

“yeah. take that POOKIE.”

“i do what i want BIETCH”

“am i so white that white face paint makes no difference “

“GOD. who needs that much food at once!! Slow down!!”

“The trout population will be affected.”

“i need a little baby rat— actually youre my little baby rat”

“balls blast? ohhh”

“the number of miles is i dont care—oh fuck”

“hashtag my tummy really hurts”

“*whispered after a long moment of silence* you should go on township…”

“would you like me to be your waiter.”

“thats a real knee-slapper— OW MY KNEES”

“balls”

hehehehehehehe hi its me elliot

JUDAS NOW

“I dont freeze Im too hot😎😎😎”

“i’d prefer not to have titties, thanks.”

you’ve been exposed @possiblyhenry

[simcardiac-arrested]

seeing you talk about russian literature is always so interesting to me because there’s not too much of it in polish schools. and i’m here like Damn what did i miss. maybe i shouldn’t have complained about mickiewicz

i did enjoy the few things they made us read, like crime and punishment or master and margarita.but hang in there for real o7

it’s like. the thing is it’s not even The Worst. it’s not downright unreadable and like i’m sure all of it is Classic(tm) for a reason and hell i even enjoyed reading some of it, like fathers and sons by turgenev. it’s just that when you’re forced to study the same 6 russian authors and over and over again it starts driving you MAD. like it is actually MADDENING. and after 11 years of studying a few 19th century russian novels you start to Get It: this shit is all the same. it’s literally allllll the fucking same u dont even gotta read it. Like i didn’t read crime and punishment OR war and peace (which is like THEEE russian novel) because i was too hyperfixated on my ocs to even Care About Checking Their Summaries. i didnt know anything. but u know what ? i just pulled things out of my ass and reached logical conclusions and literally just bullshitted my way through (They just let anyone graduate frfr) BECAUSE U KNOW WHAT? AFTER 11 YEARS ? U start to realize it’s alllllll the same fucking shit. it’s all the same shit no matter which russian novel u read. it’s always about how love good. OR NO ! love BAD. love HURTS and it KILLS. CHECK THIS OUT! CONVOLUTED LOVE TRIANGLE WHERE THE TWO MEN HAVE A STRANGELY CLOSE HOMOEROTIC RELATIONSHIP! no one is happy. Everyone is really depressed and wants to die. LOVE INTEREST ALERT! SHE IS EITHER GENUINELY 13 OR 18-20 BUT IS STILL DESCRIBED IN SUCH AN INFANTILIZING AND WEIRD WAY AND ACTS LIKE A GENUINE 13 YEAR OLD SO YOU WILL STILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE !! Love good tho. oh no sorry nvermind love makes everyone go insane and kill themselves. This character is on a perpetual downward spiral ! new generation GOOD. they have good ideas and they r smart and revolution good . Nvm i changed my mind new generation BAD because they care about NOTHING they invented NIHILISM and now don’t listen to adults. BAZINGA !!! ANOTHER CONVOLUTED ROMANCE WITH WEIRD UNDERTONES !!!!!!!! war bad. Did u know that ? war is bad. and scary. Unless we’re writing about how russia won LOL then war GOOD and SO EPIC !!!! AND THESE RUSSIAN DUDES WRECKED EVERYONE !!! but war bad ok ? promise u will remember war bad. Umm what else. oh! we’re killing ourselves again. ok. did u know the government is corrupt? did u? what if we wrote like 4037394 stories about just that . hold on what the FUCK this love interest is a ….. i cant even say it ……. p p p prostitute …..!!!!! MY GOD !!!!!!! THIS CANT BE HAPPENING !!!! SHE IS SO SICK AND IMPURE WE MUST KILL HER IMMEDIATELY. this character is steadily developing psychosis of some kind. Remember that new generation good unless they’re wrong then they’re bad. what’s the point of life ???? what’s the meaning ?????? let’s find out in this 500k word novel where the character falls in love wiyh a 13 year old and goes to war and then kills himself or something

[imdoingsortagay]

Sub! Claire's headcanons

Warnings: smut, pet names, degrading, oral, strap-ons, voyeurism, Mommy kink, throat fucking.Smut so 18+

A/N: went to see glass onion and the thots just came rolling in so bazinga I give you this

Reblogs, likes, and comments are appreciated!!! Happy Reading!

She's a stressed-out mom (divorced) with a demanding job, of course, she'd want to give up control somewhere.

You met her at the end of your last year at college

she had come to your school as a means to get the word out and you had some time to kill in between classes

Claire was running for governor at the time and you had known her from seeing her at the local bar with her friends.

Her inviting you to her place when she has the house to herself for drinks

ends with you topping her

Claire being a good little dove for her and letting you take control sexually

Loves being called dove, kitten, or some degrading names if she's in the mood for that.

Sending her pictures of you working out to tease her

Claire being a massive tease when the both of you are not together but is good

" Liking what you seeing Daddy?"

Daddy or Ma'am is what she'll call you, depending on the mood

Loves when you fuck her throat with your fingers, strap, and a dildo, she loves it.

She loves giving head in your office <3

Going to visit her at her office only to fuck her over the desk if she's stressed.

" Look at you being such a good slut for me, I should fuck you like this more often"

One time getting caught by her campaign manager but you don't stop because she always had a thing for Claire

Fucking her from behind, so she can see Jen who's close to going feral at the sight.

When at home, she'll make sure to wear simple clothes for easy access

Claire cockwarming you on the couch.

It makes her feel so close to you

A soft moment with her during sex would be praising her while your fingering her from behind

" Such a pretty dove taking all my fingers, I could stay like this all day if I could

Aftercare with Claire is very soft

Calling her your Claire bear when she blissed is out

[deerabigailhobbs]

Youre stuck on a deserted island with your 5 favorite people and your 5 least favorite people. What goes down? Whos dying first? What order are you cannibalizing them in? /hj

Oh boy, what a question to get on a quiet Thursday evening! I think realistically, I'd be the first to go. I'm terrible at survival situations and plus, have an abhorrent resistance to hot weather. Anything above 15°c (59F) and I melt. So yeah, I'll be on the Barbie first.

But let's say that the powers that be grant me extra strength and heat resistance in these trying times...

I'm not sure whether you meant real or fictional people, but let's do a mix of both shall we?

Most favourite:

Abigail Hobbs (for reasons which are obvious)

My best friend (hi I know you're reading this)

Adam Stanheight (I love a man who looks pathetic)

My mum (love my mum <3)

Ashley Graham (the previous fictional woman I was obsessed with)

Least favourite:

Hannibal Lecter (for reasons which are obvious)

Rishi Sunak (fuck the tories)

Young Sheldon (it's a long story)

Next door neighbour (too loud)

The twat that humiliated me during sports day training (he was a twat)

Introductions out of the way, here's how it goes down:

Rishi Sunak dies first due to being unable to fuck over the British people, and therefore having no purpose in life. Also having to mingle with commneners? Yeah no, he exits the situation himself. We don't dare eat him, he may have been infected by absolute wanker-itis, which can be deadly.

This is followed closely by Young Sheldon, who is adamant he can find a way off this island. He creates a small makeshift boat (which is quite impressive) and sails out to sea. Unfortunately, the idiot forgot he doesn't know how to sail, so aimlessly drifts off, s shakey "Bazinga" the last thing to leave his lips.

Next up is Ashley Graham, who without Leon Kennedy to help her, dies from getting her foot stuck in a bear trap. What's a bear trap doing on a deserted island, I hear you ask? My answer; uhhhh, island bears. She is our first meal.

Alas, Abigail dies next because Hannibal just cannot help himself in making sure this poor girl is murdered. This is quickly followed by me killing him painfully and slowly with my two bare hands <3. I eat Abigail, because I won't let her go to waste unlike some people.

Best friend is next up on the chopping block. He realises that he missed the Hades 2 full launch, which causes him to go into a deep depressive state and die from sadness. Rip bestie, I made sure you were cooked with extra seasoning.

The twat that humiliated me dies from mysterious reasons. Wow, who knows what could have caused his death... We eat him and he's delicious.

My neighbour decides they haven't been shouting at the top of their lungs in a while, and does so during the middle of the night when the rest of the us survivors are asleep. Unfortunately the island isn't like back home, and their massive gob catches the sight of a massive eagle, which snatches them up by their shoulders and flies them away into the night sky.

Adam decides to explore the island deeper, and finds a cave which could be a great use of shelter. Unfortunately, he didn't move the massive boulder far enough away from the entrance, and it moves, sealing him away forever. He is left to starve in darkness.

I choke on a peanut.

My mum wins as she deserves to, found and taken away to a huge mansion where she lives the rest of her life in peace <3

[thecheezlord]

i am not lying when i say today’s episode TOOK ME OUT. we were five lines into the fic and i fucking fell against the wall and slid to the floor. i had been sniped. absolutely taken aback and killed and murdered. bazinga-ed even.

[krystalphantasm]

You know toon town? Or what about free realms? Dude, holy fucking shit I used to play so much free realms back when I was a kid I would go over to my aunts house and make a new account everytime and play until I hit the pay wall. That game was mediocre at best. You wanna know a good game? Project notherfucking zomboid (the title does not include motherfucking) you're just this dude who happens to be immune to an airborne strain of the KNOX VIRUS that has infected and zombified the rest of the population of mulduraugh, Westpoint, riverside, rosewood, phallus lake, and Louisville Kentucky. All the locations are based on real world locations in Kentucky (loosley) and there are thousands, hundreds of thousands of zeds, but oh no this ain't no run of the mill call of duty shoot em up, you ain't shit, you ain't even the shit on the bottom of the boot man, you're just a regular fucking dude facing an impossible apocalypse. You're outnumbered, resources are scarce, and every day survived is just a tick down in your limited time left on this wretched fucking planet. You're gonna face food shortages, water shortages, the electricity will shut off, the local area will become increasingly depleted of resources, forcing you to venture out of your safe zones to unfamiliar locations, and all of this of course if and only if you manage to not get your body turned into a zombie chew toy. Is this another survival crafting game? Yes and no. It's so much more than that, it is an immersive experience my friend just watch some game play if you're not sold. But speaking of being sold, that is not my purpose here today, I do not accosted you just to brag about my favorite video game (of which I have played countless) no, in fact, my purpose is much more sinister, evil, wretched, maybe a little bit pog champ. (A lot pog champ)

Basically, I want you to imagine the funniest thing you can possibly conjur up in your mind. Also now I'm going to be trite and demand that it be funnier, even funnier than you thought possible, I bet you can't do it. I bet you're struggling to make yourself laugh silly at the idea of how funny the thing you didn't think up is. Being pressured is hard. You know what else is hard? Making your way in the world today, it sure does take a lot. Wouldn't it be nice to get away? To somewhere where everybody knows your name? Trust me, I know the feeling. That's why I'm building an army, a force to be reckoned with. We're gonna split off from it all my friend, we're gonna make a whole new country probably in the middle of the ocean and we'll have lots of fresh fruit and fish and maybe some cows and chickens and you can bring your friends and family and pets and well all be on this island and treat nature with the respect that it deserves and everyone can have a robot limb and we won't even kill anyone to make it happen because the island will be protected by a force field that is impenetrable unlike your mom. Heyo, get owned. Anyway say bazinga, that's the cost of entry, the sole piece of paper you gotta fill out, trust me, it's worth it. Also if you don't you're be cursed by an ancient force I have no control over and that would suck for you gamer, that would suck so hard

you mentioned toontown and then immediately lost me with project zomboid >:C

[am-i-sans]

dnd adventure 16

we spent sometime talking about the logistics of fucking a talking sword

cam goes to eeby deeby and inferno comes out. undyne punches him in the face lol.

we let the mayor know we killed the dragon and he tells the town. mayors kid said theirs a beast of some sort in the woods so were gonna go kill it!

undyne,suzy, frog and tori got fuckin lost lol. dans and inferno corral them cause good lord undyne is punching trees.

2 shambling mounds? gotta free the person!

crit 31 damage from me FINALLY!

we STILL dont see frogs new dagger. dammit moss show meeeee!!!

tori keeps getting hit for rookie numbers lol.

undyne did 29 damage jebus. plus 12 to hit my ass.

frog can FINALLY use the dagger! the guitar solo from bohemian rhapsody? what? dagger of guitar solos?! wtf.

undyne finally kills viney! she saves the dude!

used my hammer to smack the other guy cause yay new weapon!

frogs dagger is now playing freebird help me.

tori learns! she moves out of the way of everyone to use lighting bolt! IT HAS LIGHTNING ABSORPTION YOU KILLED US!

i got hit! so did frog! bazinga. so i slapped it with my boomerang.

(i am once again reminded i murdered the music bot on accident ;-;)

(also raz was so fuckin mad it didnt die in the big hit he did lol)

undyne finally kills it! freedom! LEVEL UP!

got a new spell poggers. frog learned eldrich blast ;-; and fireball xD

going back to tell the mayor that the monster is real!

im going to sell my shit. frog is doing band stuff. undyne and tori are going drinking and forcing inferno around. suzy is being secretive?!

inferno is gambling lol. and i got fuckin loaded selling my shit yeasssss like over a thousand gold *dab* inferno is doing blackjack. he won.

sharing some ale with undyne. inviting tori for some drinking. just some wholesome bonding. dans reassures tori and undyne hes not upset about what happaned. tori contemplates her lighting and hurting others. undyne works her anger out.

we notice suzy isnt back yet. dans passes notes to undyne and tori telling them about the money and to not tell inferno and then eats the notes.

susie found a cave where their family stayed when she was a kid. SUSIE LORE! we go visit the cave. its just a bare cave. her family was an actual pack of fuckin wolves. humans kidnapped her when she got near a town. she stole an axe and escaped. met a bear. lived with her. kidnapped by elves. joined hyenas but they sucked so she left. went solo. mt cave. (cam popped into chat in the middle of this lol) dragon lair. ate her whole. chewed her way out. stomped on its head until it died. met frog and tori and lived near the woods by them.

cams no longer in eeby deeby! and is fuckin freaked at suzys background. 'dragons can be killed?!' lol

we see a flyer about a festival in a city a few days travel away! midsummer festival! party! we get on soupnik!

we see a burnt down town! oh no! undyne was supposed to roll a history but got a 3 lol. tori ALSO knows this place hmmmm sus. thankfully frog calls tori out lol.

tori lore finally! she used to live here :( her mother made 'a poor decison' made a pact and got everyone killed. including her siblings. everyone hug the tori!

to be continued~

[willtasker]

It is September 2007, and the Big Bang Theory has begun. I take the Sig Sauer out of my mouth, but the taste of gun oil lingers. I realize that suicide is not the answer because this show would only follow me into Hell. Something like this does not descend from the afterlife but rises up out of open graves. It is populated by the unwilling, amusing only to the already deceased.

Now: The nerdy roommate who’s not a doctor is made fun of because he’s not a doctor while the other nerds make bad jokes about science that are also not accurate. It is not enough to hate a thing, but those things often do not die by death. They exist because Death is too afraid of its touch; that the soft grace would somehow kill Death its self by inventing a new dying. Death squared. The sort of fate people should wish on Ronald Reagan or anyone who explains details of last night’s dream.

It is September 2010. I am having rough sex with my girlfriend. I look up in the middle of the act, her voice cresting, when I hear the television we left on in the next room. The show is in repeats, and becoming unavoidable. A character I cannot identify but will never forget makes a reference to the physics of Warp Speed. I lose my erection immediately. She asks me what is wrong. I produce a pack of Indian Spirits from the dresser and begin to smoke, the first one I’ve had in 10 years. My hands are shaking. I look at them and think about strangling the writer’s room of The Big Bang Theory, one in each hand, a fury so passionate that the rest realize it is better to wait their turn than to try and flee.

“NO MORE!” is what I scream at the television. “DEAR GOD NO MORE!” But the episodes keep coming, marching like soldiers to the sea. An endless, undulating wave of dullness. Sunlight crushed behind rolling grey clouds. References to 80s movies and science and POP CULTURE ACTORS who are probably paid $10,000 to show up and say HONK IF YOU LOVE WILLIAM SHATNER and then have a weird punchline about particle physics. It is endless. The show’s broadcast signal goes off into the horizon and out into space, following Hitler’s hosting of the Olympics in 1936. An endless fucking current of the slime from a billion emptied septic tanks. It is not shit but what is left over from literal shit. The culmination caked to the inside of the tank walls.

“PLEASE JESUS GOD HOLY FATHER KILL ME AND TAKE ME AWAY” is what I cry into the night sky, and in reply, God looks down and in His mighty mercy says

BAZINGA.

It is September 2012. I stare blankly at a drop ceiling in a downtown hotel. I have not spoken to another person in days. The television is off but I hear it through the walls from the next room. BAZINGA. Again, that meaningless word. Trichottillomania rears it’s self, and I slowly begin pulling hair out of my head in handfuls. I feel nothing. There is no pain anymore. Nothing compared to that fucking word. And the laugh track that follows.

I remember I had a gun in my mouth when the TV series started and that I was afraid of the Hell that produced this show, would perpetuate this show. This THING. And now I am afraid that there is no Hell, and that if there was Satan couldn’t keep it away from his own doors. The characters enter the archway of the eternal Abyss, studio audience laughing.

BAZINGA says the awkward man who makes an attempt at a joke about Brownian Motion that’s actually fucking incorrect but haha he’s a nerd and there’s a STAR WARS reference in there and remember that time when the hot neighbor didn’t have money so he was like I HAVE MONEY IN MY SUPERMAN MODEL and holy fucking shit I’ve seen footage of inmates in blackout solitary for weeks on end that come out covered in cockroach bites that is more humane than the humor in that show.

Instead of an eternal lake of fire, or chained to a boiling floor, or forced to watch The Smurfs Presented by The Icecapades - there is BAZINGA. That word that both saturates my brain with an incommunicable suffering and emits a kidney stone’s discomfort from my very soul. The fact I have to share a time and place with The Big Bang Theory makes me want to consider bear hugging JJ Abrams, so I can do the one great good of a doomed life by dragging him into into the 8th Circle Of Hell with me.

I realize I am damned. The freedom of this is that I can now do what needs to be done.

It is now August 11, 1971. I’ve made a time machine and traveled ten years prior from my date of birth to murder my father so I won’t ever exist and hear that FUCKING WORD Bazinga. I’ve decided to use a woodman’s axe to blunt my rage across time because my soul will not be satisfied unless I cease to exist in the most sure way possible. The blows land, a dull thud made wetter with each hit. I must make sure. This isn’t personal. This is just what must be done so I can undo that which cannot be undone.

I can feel myself fading from existence. This post will be my last. Everything is fading. All will be well. I smile in relief at a sky so blue it’s all you can do but wonder at it. Peace lovingly brushes past my cheek with a mother’s pity.

On the horizon, glowing in a blue outline, I see a pale man with a bad hairline wearing a fucking DC comics tshirt, smilingly thinly at me because - you see - he’s pleasantly awkward and doesn’t understand humor and his girlfriend is named Penny. ITS BEEN 45 SECONDS - HERE COMES ANOTHER TOLKIEN REFERENCE FOR THE PEOPLE AT HOME.

I scream. I cover my eyes but cannot unsee the truth shimmering between my locked fingers. My soul launches through the fire of time. Nothing can stop him. He follows me, smiling that trademark smile: only with his teeth but without moving his mouth. His skin stretches taught, his eyes afire. The studio audience, now and forever a chorus of faceless harpies, wings beating, their laughter wounds me like swallowing a box of straight razors fresh with grease.

I do not exist now. I do not remember my name. My parents never met and my soul is scattered on the winds beyond winds, to an everlasting personal horizon that no one will ever know. I do not remember who I was, what I was, or what I did to end up here. I am a ghost without a grave, a soul without an afterlife to turn to. But I do remember him. And I do remember…

BAZINGA.

[intrn37]

LOOK AT WHAT THE FUCKING CAT DRAGGED IN THIS TIME GAMERS, its a dead bird, again. I really wish cats would drag something else in, like would it kill them to oh no they accidentally stole a guys wallet full of twenty dollar bills? I dont think so, it probably wouldnt anyway. Ya know what i mean? Im just saying, and hear me out, we train cats to be little mischievous thieves like the monkeys in like thailand or whatever, and boom profit. Its fool proof it really is i swear. You know what else though, we do need one more thing for this plan to work o just remembered ok so hear me out we do all the same shit as I have so kindly and previously supplied, and also you say bazinga so i know youre cool. Up to you, bazinga pill or lameo pill. You take the lameo pill and you wake up in your bed thinking it was all a dream, you take the bazinga pill, and you see just how deep the coolness goes.

Ummm.. Bazinga I guess? 

Also yeah, I kinda wish cats dragged other things besides dead animals and complaints into the house XD

[tarot15]

Lemme beat you to your own punch here: who the fuck are you? Alright, now that we've got the small talk out of the way it's time to get serious. Serious as a shark attack. Less serious than a planet killing phenomenon created entirely by human action. That's global warming by the way, global warming is real, just in case anyone out there needs to hear it. I know I'm probably not the best spokesperson for this but Holy shit seriously can we please stop actively stabbing the big blue ball we call home in the stomach with a rusty tire iron that would be great thank you. But, serious realness on the horizon coming into view as I ramble: when's the last time you said bazinga? Huh? Go ahead, think about it. I'll wait. Please pull up a video of the jeopardy theme and allow the entire length of it to play put before continuing to read further, thank you. Did you do it? Cause I was serious about giving you time OK. I don't want to rush your response. OK I assume you did it now. Listen pal. I don't give a fuck when the last time you said bazinga is because you should say it now. Just in case. You never know when something bad is gonna happen because you didn't say it. This is not a threat by the way, this is a warning, there are forces beyond either of our controls, forces that should not be tampered with, forces that can only be held at bay. Many before you have thought that they were stronger, many before you have failed. Eons. Eons of death and decay, and war and famine, of lies and theft. The world as we know it may be on the precipice of great change (global warming too). Why delay? Why endanger yourselves and others? Please, if not for yourself, than for me. Say bazinga

uhhh... Bazinga?

[xxxdragonfucker69xxx]

LARCENY

Death-Cheating Deception: When you die, don't, and immediately join battle and gain some motes to help you get away safely and secetly.

Relics Justly Claimed: When you steal something, immediately use it, "looting from its soon-to-be tomb"

LINGUISTICS

Fear Not the Grave: Cup Boils Over... 2!!! Extinguish fear of death, granting them resolve against threats but also allowing them to take stupidly risky actions

Enthralling Scriptorial Perfection: People fall in love with your words... or perhaps just envy?

Gospel of Oblivion: Corrpt a character's ties towards despair or death. Jesus christ i hate the bishop

LORE okay i will read all of lore. since you are so polite

Crypt Bolt Attack!!!! the fucing og!!! can be upgraded with Accursed Radiance Empowerment to be an icy wind, a blinding darkness, pyreflame blast, ghost curse, soul-eating doom....... fuck me im so excited!!!

A Lesson In Sorrow: when you introduce a fact you can also bazinga everyone into despair, or maybe rage

Fatal Flaw Scrutiny: Scrutinize a bitch. For their fatal flaw

Teaching Incomprehensible Truths: The whispers teaching charm. Old faithful.

Waking Nightmare Inspiration

Broken World Understanding: Who made this and how do I break it?

Night-Horror Summons: bring a nightmare into the real world???? holy fuck??? with a later charm you can reveal that you did so last night and the nightmare is here right now

Nightmare-Carving Murmur: I don't care that much but wyld shaping technique was like five pages with all its upgrades and now its like one. Btw filling the area with monstrosities is free

Endeavor-Dooming Prognostication: Tell someone how their shit's gonna be fucked. Then fuck it

Promised Nightmare Unleashed: God-King's Shrike.... 2!!! but now it has actually nice structure

MEDICINE

Life-Mocking Assembly: zombies but bespoke.

Necrotic Graft Technique: fuck yeah

Foetid Earth Miasma: "The Abyssal taints a region by interring the corpses of seven victims who died at her hand to mark its boundaries. This ritual must be performed at night..." and in exchange you get to blast the area with plague and blight. You can fix it if you give the corpses proper burial rites tho

MELEE

oh my god melee is so long

Soul-Drinking Blade: suck a soul into your blade when you kill htem, drinking motes and having them there to interrogate with corpse-questioning technique etc. also theyre tutors for you

soul-cleaving woooound

Apocalypse Blade Unbound: overdrive motes.... 2!!!

OCCULT

i have to read all of occult. i have to

Howling Silence Meditation: beef up those whispers!

Screaming In Silence: now you are the whispers. send psychic messages

spirit-devouring appetite: oh my god they fixed carnal spirit whatever. eat a spirit for eclipse charms and mutations

Death of Miracles: when you see spirit magic or a spell, introduce a way for that magic to be undone, or for workings to be suppressed, etc. hot damn

God-Scourging Wail: Psychic scream that hits dematerial spirits and inflicts whispers as well as regular pain. With Life-Annihilating Susurrus you can keep screaming and your range grows longer as you do

Soul Domination Method: you know how everoyne complains there arent enough things to exorcize? now you can invade a soul to rifle through memories, fight with possessing demons, etc

and a bevy of necromancy-enhancing charms that solars are just green with envy about

PERFORMANCE

Tormented Artist Propaganda: this name just cracks me up. when artists perform something you composed, you know, and you can use Morbid Fascination style to keep anyone from interrupting or leaving

Thousand Corpses Waltz: move through battle like a dance. notably, if your dance ebats their resolve, you get surprise attacks, they're too busy watching your dance

Witness the End: Your audience sees the world as if it had ended, overwhelmed by sorrow and forced to trudge through an imaginary wasteland

Wicked Stagecraft Expertise: all the persona charms, in a very easy package

PRESENCE

Heartstring-Severing Adoration: seduce someone into falling in love, and then weaken all tehir other ties

Killing Words Technique: it literally hurts to resist

Soul-Flaying Gaze: not only tat, but they may gain obsession or paranoia as they crack under the pressure

Soul-Consuming Pyreflame Baptism: turn someone into a pyreflame apostle, holy hsit

theres a lot more presence charms i only skimmed because i am so sleepy

The Abyssals crowdfunding campaign closes in about 24 hours.

I did not get to hourinblack all their charms. As penance, I am going to skim just the end of each charmtree, and tell you about the biggest, coolest power of each tree. I am also going to do this for necromancy because i am a necromantic slut.

ARCHERY:

World-Wounding Darkness: Shoot a hole in the world, leaving a black hole that sucks people in. This isn't actually near the end of the tree but it caught my eye and I was like holy fuck.

Heart-Numbing Spike: When you shoot someone, wound their ability to care about things.

Last Days Portent: Shoot out the fucking sun. Kills the lights over the battlefield. If you're being goth about it, kill the lights for miles around.

ATHLETICS

Mountains Become Dust: Physical scale is no longer a limit on feats of scale or destruction.

Light-Killing Stride: Move faster than someone. Didn't ask how fast they moved, you move faster than them.

Temple-Shattering Ruination Curse: Destroy a building to curse the land, making it shadowy and blighted and supernaturally scary. if you were being intense about it, it becomes an abyssal demesne, a permanent upwelling of goth energy

AWARENESS

All-Seeing Overlord's Lair: Extend your senses throughout your stronghold, you can't be surprised inside and your ghostly sentinels (you know, the wraiths you cast to patrol for you) can roam throughout

Morbid Inspiration Witness: Find inspiration in " the morbid, the eerie, or the darkly beautiful: an albatross dropping dead in flight, three  black cats crossing the same street in sequence, lightning striking a distant temple." That inspiration grants you bonuses on various projects, and also makes you care deeply about it. This is enhanced by further charms like Fervent Caprice Fever and Unrelenting Obsession Genius

Piercing Gaze of the Unmaker: Pick a place within, like 20 miles. You see it like it's your lair and you're there. Or maybe you want to cast your gaze on your rival instead? they are going to feel a crawling sensation up their spine from your gaze through <3

BRAWL

Illustrative Overkill Technique: When you kill or incapacitate a guy, it's so fucked up you can use it to threaten anyone else. Or like blow up a building or whatever

Explosive Gore Eulogy (!!): When you do that ^ you can also use their corpse as a weapon. Jesus christ.

Life-Annihilating Castigation: Pyreflame your attack and multiply (!!) damage by your opponent's wound penalty. If you get their ass they explode with pyreflame from within, and if it kills them their ghost burns up on the spot

Void Avatar Embodiment: Now with 0% prana! Envelop yourself in the void, dealing aggravated damage on touch and withering ranged attacks away. Also you're as close to death as you want to be <3

BUREAUCRACY

Hateful Scorn Panopticon: when you use Accursed Overlord Authority to inspire hatred in your followers, you can sense when any of them encounter your enemy, and where.

Rotting Palace Proclamation: Reveal that you embedded a traitor in a rival organization. Or was it someone we knew all along?

Iron Tyrant Reign: When you do that Accursed Overlord thing, if it's a Defining Principle you can carve it into the world as an Old Law: everyone who hears or reads it must follow, words bleed through coverings or hover like fire in the air, the mindless dead automatically obey

Suffer No Betrayal: When you do the Panopticon, you can also count people who've broken your laws as enemies. You can immediately gain Defining Hatred... and possibly carve that as an old law with Iron Tyrant Reign? That isn't in the charm im just reading between the lines

CRAFT

Malicious Mechanism Mastery: Jesus this one is a cartoon supervillain bit. Reveal that an enemy has stumbled into your trap! If it's a corpse-based trap, it's worse!

Fivefold Malice Curse: Lay a curse on something you make, for instance if its bearer breaks an oath or acts against one of your principles. and if they trigger the curse they get blasted by your Bleak Expiations, aka Abyssal Limit Break aka You Cannot Escape The Goth

Soul-Tarnishing Treasure: Instead of an overt curse you can cause it to inspire vice, a sword demanding bloodshed or a chalice inspiring drink. You can't be totally free of this unless you give the object up

Drawn to Death's Beauty: When you use Magnificent Cenotaph Allure to imbue something with emotion, you can also fill it with the mesmerizing lure of death, so that people wander towards it like a will o wisp and cant look away

Betrayal-Spurring Gifts: Annatar their shit socially if you've given them something you've made. &btw cursing that shit is free

DODGE

Hanging Shrike Focus: Dodge up into the air and float back down, or fall on your enemies maybe

Queen of Killers Pirouette (!!): dodge so good you turn it back on them, like fucking zelda's neutral-B in smash

Tenebrous Cloud Dissolution: DRACULA FOG its fucking dracula fog

Breath-Seizing Mist: Hey how would you like it if dracula fog was inside your lungs

Icy Sepulcher Entombment: When you cause someone to despair at hitting you the ice literally grows around your heart and then freezes them over. The freezing stuff is actually pretty early in the tree but this is setup for

In Awful Glory Crowned: When you bring them to despair with Frozen Fears Blossom you can also drain their Willpower, and if you drain it all they become obedient to you. Unless they're unimportant in which case they might just fall over dead, turn into a ghost, and then be obedient to you

INTEGRITY

Freedom In Chains: If forced to act against death's chivalry or your principles, brood about it, then break free

Clarity in Hatred: Shaping defense if you're mad enough

Immortal Malevolence: If you've enshrined an intimacy with Eternal Enmity Approach, you can care so much that you simply do not die. Wake up the next sunset completely healed, but you can't use that intimacy again

INVESTIGATION

Heart-Haunting Condemnation: Scrooge a bitch. Nightmares and omens reinforce your accusations.

Bleak Justice Malediction: If your victim of the above draws on Ties to resist giving in to your accusations, the haunting spreads to those people and things too. If they die they haunt your victim. You can fully Book Of Job somebody here.

Omniscient Spymaster's Web. Know something. Your people told you. You think anyone can keep a secret from you?

[alicenthightower]

Broad City S04E02

[alongtidesoflight]

.

[snackzimmerman]

Inky i dont know if you need to hear this or not but you are loved, you are loved by the people in your life, you are very important to them and they appreciate you im sure of it ok? Dont let no snot nosed no bitches havin zero social cred dripless mouth breathers ever get up inside your head cause you dont deserve that shit ya hear? Thats right, this is the positivity arc shoefuck is all about positivity these days! Ill tell ya what inky, lil inky inker you, im gonna give it to ya straight ok, i dont know you, for all i do know you could fucking hate waffle house and i dont think i would be cool with that but its a risk im willing to take. Inky lets get married, lets show up to the courthouse and get married so we can get in on that sweet sweet tax bracket and also commit felonies while not needing to snitch on one another by law, think about inky, me and you we can assasinate elon musk and jeff bezos and maybe even alex jones together we can do it its the perfect plan i have really big manly hands that i will choke them with but also to clarify cause youre probably thinking it no i do not intend to choke you and or steal your organs i just think if we got married and you said bazinga for your vows then i said zooweemama for mine that shit would be a fucking riot lmao anyway lemme hear the pilot of it just in case say bazinga for me

this is so romantic. let's put cats in padded laundry baskets. let's kill our enemies and cry over their corpses. let's make enemies out of laundry basket cats - fiends of our own making - and cry because we won't kill them. let's pre-lick envelopes and claim it as volunteer work. i think it's better that we don't know each other - are we not then blind to all flaws? for now, you may be the symbol of perfection. let's bazinga.