#the fp feedback will probably be mixed. theres a lot of christians and transphobes

[justtogetthrough]

It'll be a week til I get the feedback forms from foster parents but my colleagues and upper management were THRILLED about my training today. I didn't finish it early enough to memorize so I was freaking out and so stressed out. My manager called me 30 mins before it this morning for the kind of pep talk she used to give me before meetings. Speak loud and strong, etc etc. Things i used to struggle with but haven't in a long time. I was so short with her bc I was anxious and trying to get another read through in before it began and she was wasting my time. So I let her speak for as long as I could tolerate before saying look, I'm busy preparing, is it okay if I let you go?

I ran out of time in the training which I wasn't expecting to (the script should have timed out well but again, not memorized, so) and I had to improvise a little. Missed the last couple slides but I can add to the follow up material being emailed out. I got through the academic part of it successfully though, IMO - this is the part I was most worried about losing people.

I had a foster parent and one of the managers text me during the break half way that they were LOVING IT and then after the training I had more staff reach out. What kills me though is the executive director herself called me after it all. I was so scared when she asked me to call her back so vaguely and sternly. She had to sit in on it because with any sensitive trainings that there's a chance people will be offended and complain, she ensures she is present for it to see what exactly is said. The last time we had a sensitive training it never even made it to the foster parents because of how rattled the white people on staff got. So I was very prepared for this to be deemed inappropriate or too upsetting and figured she was calling to be like yeah, pulling the plug on part 2. No more.

But... the ED called me and just absolutely raved about how amazing it was and how much I impressed her. We don't work together at ALL, ever, to the point where if I dye my hair she hasn't even recognized me lol. She *does* hear about me now and then through my manager in supervision and stuff, and the ED is kept abreast of me going on emergency medical leaves about once a year due to my mental health going into crisis and so I chronically worry she and my manager will decide I'm too unstable to be relied upon for this job. No reason really, I'm just scared bc of stigma and shit. And especially bc the ED doesn't know me at all, or see me doing my thing at work - so in my head I worry that all she sees me as is someone who's mentally unstable and unreliable lol.

So... I was absolutely freaked out that she'd be watching this training, my first run of a brand new training I literally only finished yesterday, and I was very worried because if extra people were gonna sit in (tons did) I wished it was the second or third run through not first. When she called she did explain that she wanted to be there primarily for liability purposes which makes way more sense at least, less judgey and more just back up in case ppl got mad.

But damn, the things she said. I cried. I covered my face because I was smiling so much it hurt - she had so much praise for me and she said she was so impressed at how I presented and handled the topic and just, how effective and warm and knowledgeable I was. She acknowledged she's never really seen me do anything in a professional capacity so she was extremely blown away, the way I carried myself and extended so much compassion and respect to our foster parents on a difficult and controversial topic she said exceeded her expectations and she wanted to personally congratulate me on a job well done.

It took me hours to recover emotionally from that honestly lol.

It was so nice.

This training is why I've been collecting things under the #trans tag for a year. It's been over a year of working on this training on gender identity. I present part 2 in December which is longer than I hoped for but meh. I have put so. much. work. into this. The feedback today has made it feel so worth it. Besides serving as the final thing that gets me my masters degree, which is itself huge, but these are non academic people. This is real world. Direct impact on people and their lives. It's so surreal.

I'm also just so glad to have this off my plate for now. The last 3 weeks of finishing it for todays deadline has been intense, it has taken up so much of my time. I work from 9-5 and then have been spending 6-10 or 11 preparing this training every single day. So stressful. To present the first half of it today and to have IMPRESSED so many people has been exhilarating. I'm so happy. It's been so wonderful.

I also really hope I get a good raise this summer now that my ED knows how awesome and skilled I am 😂 My talents are not exactly used to their fullest in my role, but my agency is really great about letting me do things like trainings and other forms of advocacy when I feel drawn to, especially when it comes to certain topics (especially queer stuff, but other things too), and it's a neat thing. My salary sucks balls but the work is so fulfilling and great for me in almost every other way.

But yeah this training preparation has been a big reason why I've been quiet lately. Spending all god damn day on my computer makes me really not wanna go on my phone at night once I'm in bed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway. That's a lil joy from my life today. A huge joy really. I cried from happiness and was euphoric for hours 🙂