#the first ts fic i ever wrote

[diamjem]

blame the champagne

pairing: sebastian sallow x f!mc

summary: sebastian sallow attends his ex’s engagement party and he is fine.

word count: 7.1k

warnings: angst, alcohol abuse (sort of), marriage is a prison, 19th century high-society, no y/n, sebastian ruins everything he touches

a/n: first fic i’ve ever posted on tumblr pls be kind im jus a girl (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) ANYWAYS i wrote this while listening to exile by ts over and over and over again so maybe give that a lil listen while you read if u wanna set the mood. can you tell by the end i was just excited to get it done with lols. also this is really far from my usual writing style (i mainly post on wattpad ik boooo) but here ya go. im well aware of how all of u eat up angst like it’s a happy meal YES THERE WILL BE A PART TWO. if the hyperfixation persists this might even be a longer series BUT god knows how many wips i already have pls have mercy on my poor soul

[ao3] [wattpad]

it was a nice party.

no, really. it was.

sure, there were some things sebastian could’ve done without—the awkwardly stiff ballroom, for one, with its velvet curtains that probably cost more than his entire wardrobe—but on the whole, he couldn’t deny credit where it was due.

the music was stimulating enough to have ballgowns spinning around endlessly on the dancefloor. food, exquisite; hors d'oeuvres that looked more like art than appetizers, but delicious nonetheless. and the decor? a tad too extravagant, maybe, with gold ribbons draped from every chandelier, catching the candlelight in a way that felt more like a royal procession than a social gathering. but who was he to judge? he was certainly drinking enough to blur any such distinctions, and there was more than enough champagne.

so, yeah, it was a really nice party.

well, save for the fact that it’s his ex’s engagement party to some guy from a prestigious pureblood family or whatever. sebastian still couldn't quite remember his name, though he’s pretty sure it starts with the letter h. he read the invitation, the fine lettering that seemed too fancy for its own good, but the moment he’d seen “engagement” paired with her name, his brain had short-circuited. he didn't need nor want the details. it was enough to know that she was moving on—and he, apparently, was not. but that's fine. he’s fine.

sebastian would have preferred to avoid the entire affair, but anne had insisted—no, berated him—into attending. "just be grateful she even thought to invite you to such a special day." she'd demanded.

ominis, bless him, had tried his best to offer some well-meaning, clumsy attempt to soften the blow, but when all was said and done, suggested sebastian defer to anne. there was no doubt (maybe a little) ominis was his best friend but he was also anne’s husband now. and a wife’s word, especially in the sallow family, was the law. infuriating, as if they haven't ganged up on him enough their whole lives.

speaking of those two, where the hell are they? sebastian was already this close to hexing them for dragging him here in the first place—much less leaving him alone in a crowd of polished, tight-lipped strangers. not that he hadn’t been to his fair share of these high-society events. as an established wizard, a decorated auror, top of his division no less, he had his place at these things, his duty even. in fact, somewhere deep down, part of him even liked the glitz and glamour. it was the sort of thing that would make most people feel important, like they were part of something larger, something better.

but this? this wasn’t his crowd at all. not when he had to stand there, watching the one that got away and her decorated hand clutch her husband-to-be’s arm. the sight of it churned something deep in his gut, like a bitter knot that wouldn’t untangle.

alright, maybe it’s time to admit it.

it was not a nice party at all.

the music? too stiff. too classic. she usually liked it loud and roaring. she used to love a ceilidh, for merlin’s sake. the food? too tiny. he could practically see her at the table, scarfing down a full plate before reaching for seconds, her stomach always growing faster than her appetite. the decorations? too gaudy. too excessive. then again, she never had a good eye for interior decor—at least, not according to the proper standards. her idea of decoration had been finding old furniture abandoned in the highlands and somehow hauling it back to their (now just his) flat in london.

salazar, this whole party is wrong. she never even cared for this kind of thing. she would always roll her eyes when he dragged her to some work event, muttering something about she’d much rather be laughing over a pint in the pub with him.

but it wasn’t just the party, was it? not the music or the food or the decorations. it was the fact that none of this felt like her anymore. it felt like she had become something else. something he wasn’t a part of.

sebastian watched her over the rim of his glass as he took a long swig of his drink.

now, the party may be no good, but the champagne? that's another thing. it was crisp, sharp, and cold, slipping down his throat with a tingle that almost made him forget where he was and who he was supposed to be celebrating. almost.

they were standing on the opposite side of the ballroom, where they were entertaining pompous-looking guests with what sebastian could only assume was ostentatious conversation. by they, he meant her and her fiancée (horace? henry?)—who, by the way, is the exact opposite of sebastian, with his raven hair, pale and freckle-free skin, and posture so impeccable that it even made sebastian straighten his own back.

she held out her hand to a lady she was talking to as if to flaunt her ring and sebastian crinkled his nose at the sight. he had to squint, but even from across the room, he could see that blinding diamond on her finger, catching the light like some cruel trick of the shadows. she’d always blabbered about how diamonds were too overrated, how emeralds were the only stones truly worth their weight. he never saw the appeal before, but now he did.

even her own hair wasn’t her. neater than usual, pulled up into that impossibly tight bun. it had always been free before, with that little curl by the side of her neck that always seemed to escape no matter how much she tried to tame it.

and that smile. it was perfect and even like it had been practiced for this very occasion. her real smile was never perfect. it was always a little crooked on the right side and it made her eyes squint into crescents.

pretentious. all of it. most of all, this engagement party. but at least, he had a drink in his hand and a healthy amount of champagne sloshing in it, which, at this point, was enough to blur the sharp edges of his cynicism.

or perhaps it wasn't his cynicism he’s been trying to drown in champagne all night but bitterness. who’s to say, though? certainly not sebastian—his pride would never let him admit that aloud, especially not when he’s supposed to be making merry with the very thing that made him bitter in the first place.

merlin, this engagement party is beginning to feel more and more like a funeral with every passing second, and he'd already dug himself a deep-enough grave just by showing up to this affair—by allowing himself to be here, in this strange limbo between the past he had to let go of and the future he no longer had any part in.

okay, funeral might be too near the knuckle. a stage play, now that's more fitting—complete with its flashy set, monotonous musical accompaniment, even the lead cast and audience. it all felt like a performance, and he, the unwilling spectator, had been cast in the worst role.

all that is to say, it really was not a nice party.

and it seemed he wasn’t the only one with grievances about the whole thing when just a few feet away, he caught the rasp of a shrill, hushed voice, rising above the ambient murmur of polite conversation like a knife through velvet.

“what a pity he's off the market. and to her, of all people. disagreeable little shrew of a witch, if you ask me.”

sebastian turned toward the source of the sound, narrowing his gaze. two women, dressed in garish, overly elaborate gowns were leaning in, exchanging what could only be described as venomous whispers. one of them, a woman with too much rouge on her cheeks, elbowed her companion, who, scandalized, raised a hand to her lips in mock surprise.

“an odd pairing, wouldn't you say?" the second woman chimed in, her voice betraying her amusement. “the hero of hogwarts and a pureblood heir. i wonder how they ever came to be.”

“if all the rumors about her past are to be believed, there has to be a conspiracy behind this. perhaps she slipped him an amortentia or, merlin forbid, blackmailed him.”

the second woman raised her glass in contemplation, her eyes gleaming with the sort of cruelty that only gossip seemed to nurture. “or maybe it’s for status,” she mused, “a marriage of convenience, perhaps? the hero marrying into a respectable family for a bit of security. a trade, if you will.”

he would have been inclined to agree—if only they hadn’t so thoughtlessly insulted the woman he once (still) loved. he could almost feel the heat rising to his face, the bitter sting of their insinuations making his hand ball into a fist at his side. but stepping in would be too over the line, even for sebastian. because she wasn't his to defend anymore. she’d made sure of that by giving her hand to some pureblood prick that wasn't him.

“well," the first woman continued, her voice turning sly, "whatever the case, she’s certainly fortunate. there aren’t many men left nowadays willing to be tied down, what with all the modern notions of ‘free love’ and 'unconventional living.' most prefer the arrangement where marriage is simply a word they needn't bother with. she’ll never want for anything, i suppose.”

“come to think of it, wasn't she in a long-term relationship just before this? witch weekly was quite abuzz about it. detailed how they’ve been together since their time in hogwarts and how everyone thought they'd be married by now, only for them to end in ruins all of a sudden.”

"oh, i think i remember that. though, as i recall, they never revealed the identity of her beau." the first woman pondered, tapping her fan against her cheek. "such a mysterious fellow, wasn't he? can you imagine what it must be like for him? finding out his beloved is to marry one of the wizarding world’s most eligible bachelors so soon after their parting?"

"oh, i’d be positively reeling," the second woman chimed in, a wicked grin playing at her lips. "i’d hardly be able to hold my glass steady."

that was it. he’d had enough eavesdropping for the night. no, scratch that—his whole life, actually.

this was precisely why he never engaged in gossip—not because he didn’t know it was often rooted in half-truths or outright falsehoods, but because on the off chance it was a truth, he couldn’t endure the sting of it especially when rubbed in his face. the incessant chatter, the giggling, the way their voices danced around his very existence like a cruel little game. it was as though they had found some perverse pleasure in prying open wounds that had barely even healed, turning them over in the light for sport.

but there was nothing like alcohol to cleanse the wound, so he had the snack steward pour him a fresh glass of champagne to flush out the muck that clung to the gash.

and it shouldn't even hurt in the first place. he was over this. he’d already accepted how things had come to be. hell, he wouldn't be here at this godforsaken party if he hadn't. this was not the time or place for this. he was a professional, damn it. he had been through worse than a half-forgotten heartbreak in his time, for merlin’s sake. this wasn’t about him, or what he thought he could have had. he was fine.

it was just the champagne. the party had so much damn champagne. it had clouded his head and muddled his thoughts. it made everything hurt more than it should. he just needed fresh air, something sobering, something to clear the fog.

so he excused himself without a word. before he knew it, he was standing on the balcony, the cool night air hitting his face with an almost brutal clarity.

as the cool breeze ruffled his hair, it felt like he was standing at the edge of a cliff, looking down into the chasm below. maybe that was the real feeling—falling. that's what it had always felt like with her. a leap into something that he couldn’t control. something that was already lost before he had the chance to catch it. he’d never been able to get his footing, never been able to catch the ground beneath him before it slipped away.

and tonight, he was just watching her from the bottom, wishing he could climb back up.

—

sebastian stood there, the cold seeping through his coat as the social raged inside. glass of champagne still clutched tightly in his hand since he excused himself—how long ago had that been? a while. he wasn’t sure. time had started to lose its meaning out here. the muffled hum of the party drifted through the heavy stone walls, but he didn’t have the energy to care anymore.

it was a dreadful party, anyway.

at least out here, in the chill, there was a kind of comfort in the solitude. even if it felt like he was slowly being frozen into the stone.

the sound of the balcony doors opening caught his attention, followed by a soft click as they closed behind whoever had dared to step out into the cold.

“oh, my apologies! i didn’t know someone was out here. i—sebastian. there you are.”

sebastian turned towards the commotion, and there she was. with her too-primped hair, too-tight smile, and too-bright ring.

his gaze met hers, and for a moment, there was something there—a flicker of recognition, of shared history, that made his breath catch, almost rivaling the buzz the champagne gave him.

“there you are,” he replied, his voice hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken in days. it was almost instinctive—like a beck and call he didn’t even realize he was still answering to.

she let out a breath, looking as if she had been holding it in for far too long. “sorry, i just needed an escape from all that.” her hand swept vaguely behind her, motioning to the pantomime behind the balcony doors.

“i’ll take my leave if you like.” sebastian said, already moving to turn away.

her brows immediately shot up, her hands instinctively raised as if to stop him. “no, stay. please. i’d like some company that isn't somewhat of a stranger for once tonight. unless… you’d rather leave?”

“i’ll stay.”

the words slipped out before he had a chance to stop them, much to his chagrin. he could almost hear his own internal voice, the one that had always been a little too self-assured, a little too sure of himself, yelling at him for it. though he never really knew how to say no to her, he thought by now he’d learn to. maybe it’s because he’s out of practice, or maybe it’s just the champagne dulling his senses.

but then, a small, crooked smile curved on her lips—a smile so familiar, so raw, that sebastian swore it made his heart skip a few beats too many. it was a glimpse of the real her. the one without all the pretense. and gods, it hit him harder than any amount of champagne in the party—no, the entire world—ever could.

she lifted the hem of her skirt just enough to kick off her heeled shoes with a frustrated huff. “these shoes are killing me,” she muttered under her breath, her voice a touch more vulnerable than she probably intended.

sebastian watched her for a moment, his gaze lingering on the shoes she discarded with such finality, as if casting away a part of her carefully constructed image for a moment of relief. then stepped up next to him, leaning casually against the railing. she folded her arms across her chest, her gaze sweeping out over the city lights as if they held some unspoken truth.

the silence stretched between, but it felt oddly familiar—like the space between them had never really grown so wide. maybe he was just deluding himself, but for a moment, it felt like they hadn’t changed, like they could still slip back into those old rhythms. it wasn’t comfortable, not exactly, but it was natural in a way.

“congratulations, by the way. it’s a nice party,” sebastian said, his voice a little too casual. a lie. he knew it, she knew it. and yet, neither of them dared to say it aloud.

“the very picture of grandeur,” he added, lifting his glass in a half-hearted toast, as if the motion might somehow mask the gaucheness creeping into his tone.

she hummed in response, but it wasn’t in agreement. It was more like a sardonic chuckle, a sound that told him she saw through it all. “and then some,” she replied, her voice dripping with dry humor. “i think it’s quite over the top. but don't tell hector i said that, he’d have a fit.”

hector? oh, her fiancée. that must be his name.

for all his loquacious nature, sebastian didn’t quite know how to respond to that. there was a pang of something—jealousy, regret, resentment—that made the words catch in his throat. there was a part of him that wanted to ask how it felt, to ask if hector was everything she had dreamed of. but he knew he didn’t have the right. so, he stayed silent, letting the questions churn inside, only to swallow them down along with another gulp of champagne.

she smiled then, warm at first, but it quickly shifted into something more melancholic. “but i’m glad you’re here, sebastian,” she said, her voice gentle. “to be honest, i wasn’t sure if you’d come, considering, well, everything. if i were you, the last place i’d want to be is my ex’s engagement party.”

he shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. “i could be in worse places,” he said, the smirk tugging at his lips as he raised his glass. “and hey, what could be better than a party with an abundance of champagne?”

“i know you’re joking, but take it easy on the champagne, alright? you’re a lot more indulgent than you like to think.”

sebastian leaned back, giving her a sidelong glance. “ah, there it is. your trademark nagging. i’m already starting to feel sorry for hector.”

the words were flippant, but his chest tightened the moment they left his mouth. the thought of someone else being on the receiving end of her odd brand of shrewish affection gnawed at him more than he wanted to admit. he would have swallowed every word he'd ever said if it meant he could keep all that cavilling to himself again. but that's neither here nor there.

she scoffed. “oh, trust me, he does enough nagging for the both of us. quite the pedant, really. i don't know how you put up with me for as long as you did. might be a good idea to ask for your advice."

her words were wrapped in jest, but sebastian didn’t miss the small shift in her expression. the tiniest of pouts tugged at her bottom lip, and he caught it—just a flicker. it passed so quickly he almost convinced himself he hadn’t seen it. but he had. and it twisted something in his chest, a reminder of all the ways he used to know her. again, he found himself telling himself that it didn't concern him. not anymore.

“advice?” he said, his voice forced into a casual tone, but it cracked just a little. “you’re asking the wrong person, hen. i’m hardly an expert on relationships. evidently.”

the irony in his own words didn't escape him. no, what did escape him was just how much the slip of that term of endearment landed with weight.

her gaze flicked over to him, brow raised in mild surprise, the corner of her mouth twitching with amusement. “hen?” she echoed.

ah, of course. yet another symptom of too much champagne that also falls under a lack of control—the slip of the tongue.

“force of habit.” his excuse came, quickly trying to backpedal.

hen was a relic of their past, something he’d used to call her when things were simpler, before everything had gotten tangled and messy. she would always mock him for using such a twee nickname, but there was always something in her expression when he said it, a brief flicker in her eyes that made him wonder if, deep down, she didn’t mind it as much as she let on.

but to his surprise, she just smiled, the curve of her lips soft, almost fond. she didn’t mock him, didn’t even raise an eyebrow. no judgement. no laughter at his expense. there was a quiet in her gaze, one that lingered longer than usual. recognition, maybe. nostalgia. the kind of thing that shouldn’t have been there, but it was. and it echoed in his chest, so painfully familiar.

she hummed, the kind she used to make when she was content, and turned back to the night sky, as though the way she looked at sebastian didn't just send him reeling right then and there. as if she knew that that one look would make him more flustered than she would if she’d just mocked him.

“so, what’s been keeping you busy these days?" she asked, her voice softer now, a hint of genuine curiosity underneath her teasing tone. "the world’s still spinning, i presume?"

"ah, you know. work, as usual," he replied, his tone flat and yet cautious at the same time.

if it were anyone else, he'd have launched into a long-winded spiel of his latest case. after all, his work had become the one thing he clung to, the only thing that made getting out of bed in the morning feel necessary. but with her? the words didn’t flow so easily. even back then, it had become a touchy subject between them—something that both defined him and drove a wedge between them.

okay, so maybe it wasn't his work that drove them apart and more so his obsession to it. or rather, his obsession to prove himself. his obsession to be part of something larger, something better. but that was a thing of the past, and there's no point dredging it up now when they're supposed to be celebrating the future.

"of course, still married to your job, i see. i mean, i get it, you've always been a workaholic.” she nodded, a knowing yet bittersweet smile playing on her lips. "i even heard you took down yet another beast trafficking ring. well done, sebastian.”

sebastian's brow arched involuntarily. had she been keeping tabs on him? the idea that she might still be keeping track of him, that he’s still running around in that mesmerizing clutter of a mind of hers? he wouldn't dare say it out loud but it tickled him pink. it was both absurd and somehow thrilling. maybe she had asked around—natty, perhaps? he had worked on a handful of cases with her over the past few months—there was no reason natty couldn’t have mentioned something about the work they’ve been doing. or maybe she’d been watching him? he wouldn't put it past her to do such a thing, sly little witch she is.

“oh, would you wipe that look off your face?” came her voice, the playful edge in her voice obvious. “i know what you're thinking, and no. i just happened to read about it on the daily prophet.”

sebastian couldn’t help the slow, satisfied smile that crept across his face. she could feign ignorance as much as she liked, but the flush on her cheeks told a different story. and it sure as hell wasn’t just the rouge she wore. it spread slowly, a warm pink creeping up her neck, staining her cheek.

“is that so?” he said, trying to sound nonchalant, but it came out a little softer than he’d intended. “i guess i make the news more than i realized.”

“i’ll have you know the daily prophet reports on anything these days. they even had an article on what the best flavor of bertie bott’s beans is.” she rolled her eyes, her lips twitching with barely contained amusement. “beans, sebastian. on the very same page of your ring-busting article. i guess that's the kind of highly important news they decide to prioritize.”

“next thing you know, they're reporting on the right way to sneeze.” he added with a wry grin.

“oh, you’d better read that then,” she said, shaking her head, her eyes alight with a teasing sparkle. “merlin knows how many have suffered at the hands of your loud sneezes.”

“well, you know what the daily prophet won't be able to tell you? i adopted a cat.”

her eyebrows shot up, clearly surprised. "a cat?" she looked at him like he’d just announced he’d learned to juggle fire. “you? this happened when, pray tell?”

sebastian shrugged, his smile widening just a little. "oh, you know. a few weeks ago. felt i might do with some company that wasn’t a case file or a bottle of firewhisky.”

the glint in her eyes only told him she was intrigued, so he kept going. "yeah. you’d love her. she’s a restless bugger, but she can be so affectionate. she reminds me a lot of you, actually. it’s why i got her in the first place. i even named her hen after—”

he froze mid-sentence, his smile faltering as soon as he realized what he’d said. sweet merlin, is there any chance he could cast a shrinking charm on himself so he could be small enough to jump into his glass and drown in the champagne?

or maybe that’s just it. he’s had way too much champagne. it had messed with him already more times than he could count tonight, so it wouldn't be too far-fetched. but then again, he didn't really care enough to stop drinking. not when the alcohol made it easier to suppress the bitter feelings that threatened to spill.

she stared at him for a long moment, eyes wide with surprise, then a small, entertained twist of expression tugged at the corner of her mouth. if earlier hadn’t been enough to spark her teasing, then surely this would be.

“merlin, i’ve been replaced by a cat.” she tilted her head. “i don’t know whether to be offended, relieved, or touched.”

sebastian’s eyes narrowed, but the smile tugging at his lips betrayed his attempt to look disinterested. he rolled his eyes dramatically, though the teasing wasn’t lost on him. “oh, come off it,” he muttered.

“look at you,” she spoke again. her voice was soft, as if overflowing with a solemn pride. “sebastian sallow, slytherin’s finest, accomplished auror, and now, cat owner. everything you ever wanted to be.”

if one word could be used to describe sebastian, it would be amour propre. granted, that’s two words, but the point still stands: he’s everything he’s ever wanted to be, and he’s proud of it. hell, he’d sacrificed more than he cared to admit to get here, to prove himself, to show the world that he was enough.

but if so, why did her words feel like a punch to the gut?

because all he’d ever wanted was to be hers. that was the truth of it, buried beneath all the ambition, all the success, all the work that had consumed him. it had never been about the accolades or the recognition. it was all just smoke and mirrors, an illusion from what he truly wanted. to prove himself worthy of her hand.

and when his eyes landed on that diamond on her finger, he’d realized all of it was for nothing. true to sebastian sallow fashion, he became too focused on the end goal he’d lost sight of where it all began.

"and you?" he finally managed, voice rougher than he intended. "you’re becoming a... wife."

the words felt like lead in his mouth. he swallowed hard, as if trying to chase the bitter taste out of his throat.

she sighed softly, almost wistfully, and her hand moved to absently fiddle with the diamond ring on her finger. the band slid up and down, just a little too big for her, a subtle movement that made it seem like it didn’t quite belong.

"i know, right?" she said, a faint, almost bitter edge creeping into her voice. "everything i ever wanted to be..."

“do you ever wish things could have panned out differently, sebastian?” she asked the question softly after a beat, but there was a weight to it, like she already knew the answer.

sebastian tried to find the words, but only stayed silent. he would be lying if he said he didn’t—if he didn’t wish, deep down, that things had turned out differently. but he’d had a year to accept it. a year to make peace with the reality handed to him, to bury the gnawing what-ifs under layers of duty and time. he’d convinced himself he was moved on. convinced himself that this was what was meant to be.

but that was before today. before this party. before the sight of the ring—her ring—shining like a cruel reminder of everything he had lost.

well, what good was wishful thinking, really? what was it but a self-inflicted wound that only festered into regret? what was done was done. and what was done was them—two separate paths now, carved out by the choices of time.

“why am I even asking? i’m sure you wouldn’t have it any other way.” her voice broke through his thoughts, laced with a softness that almost felt too painful.

“but... isn’t this what you wanted?” he forced himself to meet her eyes, though the words scraped his throat like nails. “to settle down, build a family?”

her eyes dropped to the ring again, the weight of it between them. she didn’t answer right away, as though she were trying to decide how to put it into words. the silence stretched thin before she spoke, her voice almost wistful, a quiet ache behind it.

“i… it is. just not like this.”

sebastian frowned, his brow furrowing deeper with confusion. not like this? what did she mean by that? was she implying that this—this life, this marriage, this future she was about to walk into—wasn’t what she had hoped for?

but he knew better than to be presumptuous. the last time he'd done that, he’d assumed she would be there, waiting, standing beside him until the end of time. and look where that had gotten him. he had learned, painfully, that hope could be a dangerous thing when it wasn’t tempered by reality.

and for all he knew, maybe she wasn’t so much regretting her choices as she was adjusting to them. the end of a decade-long relationship. the move from a cozy one-bedroom flat to a grand, unfamiliar manor that seemed more like a cage than a home. an engagement. the pressure of it. the weight of the new, the unfamiliar. it had to leave her feeling a little unmoored, a little lost. after all, hadn’t it left him feeling the same way when he was forced to step into a future he never wanted?

so instead of speaking, of pressing her for answers he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear, sebastian did what he’d become so adept at doing in the last year: he held his tongue. he let the silence stretch between them, a thin, fragile line neither of them seemed willing to cross.

but then, after a long beat, her voice broke through the quiet, softer than before, hesitant and unsure.

“i mean... i…” she hesitated for a fraction of a second, her fingers twisting slightly around the diamond ring. “i just miss going out on adventures, taking down bad guys, the daily prophet reporting about my adventures. i’m sorry, i know, i sound so green-eyed.”

“well, if it’s any consolation,” he said, trying to lighten the mood, “i think you were in a witch weekly article.”

she elbowed him lightly, her lips curling into a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “not a consolation. you know i don’t like being treated like a celebrity.”

“moot point when you’ve got a whole wingding for a marriage that hasn’t even happened yet.”

she rolled her eyes, a hint of exasperation creeping into her voice. “oh, hush. it wasn’t my idea. if anything, i was against this whole thing but a husband's word is the law.”

her words were casual enough, but there was something beneath them—a quiet fatalism that rang through her tone, as though she had long since stopped fighting against the roles others had set for her. it was so unlike her. the woman he had known would have never allowed herself to be so... tame. it made him wonder if, had she heard him say that, would she still have hexed him like how her normal reaction would have been?

she had always been a force in her own right—a woman who did things her way, consequences be damned. and for all his own reservations about this hector, sebastian couldn’t deny there was a certain respect in the way she spoke of him. no, not respect—submission. it was the resignation of someone who had, for better or for worse (pun unintended), accepted their fate.

well, if it had been him—if he had been the one to give her that ring—things would have been different.

oh. there it was again—champagne clouding his judgement, making him think of what-ifs. but really, how much longer could he hold onto the intoxicating delusion that things could still be different? and most of all, how much longer can one blame the champagne?

sebastian set his glass down on the railing, the crystal making a sharp, definitive clink that cut through the silence. the sound seemed to echo, as though marking a turning point in the conversation, a shift in the air between them.

“i ought to warn hector,” he said, the playful edge to his voice sharpening in the thick air. “you can be quite scary when things don’t go your way. i remember once, ominis asked you to stop breaking and entering into random homes, and what did you do? used a very advanced locking charm to lock him out of his own apartment. took him days to get back inside. perhaps i should share that delightful story with your fiancée.”

her eyes narrowed slightly, but the smile that tugged at her lips betrayed a knowing amusement. “oh, i’m sure hector would enjoy that just as much as he’d enjoy the scolding he'd give me after,” she said, her voice smooth but tinged with something heavier. “he’s a man of strong opinions—loves to hold court on matters of... propriety. and best believe, he doesn't sway easily.”

“ah, but you forget my irresistible charm. you were the most relentless person i know, and it worked on you, didn’t it?”

“more like it wore me down.”

“same thing.”

she laughed. actually, more like guffawed. the sound bubbled up from her chest and filled the space between them, louder and freer than he’d heard in ages.

for a moment, everything seemed to fall away—the lingering heartbreak of their separation, the party, the expectations, the wretchedness of it all. they were just two people, lost in the simplicity of shared history, the ease of old comfort.

her shoulder brushed his, the smallest of touches. sebastian hadn’t even realized how close they’d gotten, how their space had slowly shrunk until they were practically leaning into each other. he could feel the warmth of her next to him, the quiet rhythm of her breathing.

it made his head spin and he didn't know what to blame this time. was it the champagne he’d been nursing all night? or perhaps the party had made him stir crazy? maybe he’s gotten a cold from all this biting air? all he knew was that if she were any closer, he would surely die. but in that same breath, he didn’t want it to stop. he didn't want the dizzying rush of this feeling to end. to be this close to her, so near, so... alive—if this was what death felt like, he would die happy. hell, he'd beg for it.

and it seemed the universe, in all its cruel, whimsical glory, did indeed want him to die. because in the next breath, she moved again—just a slight shift, but it was enough. her head, soft and weightless, found its place against his shoulder, a gentle pressure that sent a shiver through him, down to his very bones.

it was a dangerous thing, this proximity. it made him ache for the things he couldn't have anymore. but for the first time in a long while, he didn’t mind the pain.

“i haven’t laughed this much in a while,” she said, her voice almost dreamy. “i forgot how easily you could do that.”

“you know for someone so talkative, you're awfully quiet today.” she added.

sebastian exhaled, trying to force a chuckle past the lump in his throat. “ah, well... it’s not every day i come to my ex’s engagement party."

the words were dry and brittle, a thin veil over the mess of feelings roiling beneath. he could feel the weight pressing down on him, his usual charm lost to the quiet ache that had been building ever since he’d walked into this damned party.

she looked up at him, her head leaving his shoulder. sebastian fought the urge to wince at the loss of contact. he hated how it made him feel—small, like a child caught in the act of wanting something he could never have. a pathetic little loser, lost in his own head.

“right. the party,” she said, her voice distant now, like she was already stepping away, back to the world she was now leashed to. “i should get back in there.”

sebastian could feel the words coiling in his throat, but he couldn’t make them come. the lump was too heavy, the ache too deep. he didn’t want to stop her, didn’t want to be the one to hold her in this fleeting moment, knowing it was already slipping away. so he simply nodded.

she nodded back, a small, quiet acknowledgment. and in that brief exchange, something shifted—like a subtle current pulling them together without either of them willing to fight it. they were both standing still, suspended in the space between them, as though the world around them had melted into a blur. neither could look away. their gazes locked, drawn together by the gravity of everything unspoken, everything left unresolved.

for a long moment, there was only the sound of their breathing, quiet and steady, as though time itself had momentarily paused. sebastian could see the subtle flicker of emotion in her eyes, the fragility of it. the distance between them was vast, but in that instant, it felt narrower than it ever had before. she wasn’t just the woman he’d lost; she was a stranger, yet also someone he knew more intimately than anyone else in the world.

her lips parted, but no words came. it was as though they were both afraid to break the fragile tension that hummed between them. they were too fixed on each other’s eyes, as if speaking would shatter something delicate, something that might never exist again.

but then the sound of the balcony doors opening broke the stillness. a shift in the air, sharp and unwelcome, as if the universe itself was demanding they face the reality neither of them wanted to acknowledge. the doors clicked shut behind the intruder.

“brother, i knew you’d be sulking out here,” came anne’s voice, sharp and too bright. sebastian turned, his jaw tightening at the sound of her footsteps.

her eyes caught the two of them, lingering just long enough to read the unspoken, heavy weight of the moment. then, her expression flickered, a mix of surprise and amusement, as if she were watching something she couldn’t quite comprehend.

“did i interrupt something?” anne asked, a sly edge to her words, as if she could see through the mask they both wore, but was too polite to say anything more.

before sebastian could even process a response, the woman in front of him beat him to it.

“oh, not at all,” she said quickly, brushing past him to put her shoes back on. her voice was light, but there was something strained about it now—an effort to keep her composure intact. as if she was already slipping back into the role she’d rehearsed for the evening. “i was just heading out.”

anne, ever the enigma, chirped with forced cheer. “oh, by the way, congratulations on your engagement!”

“thank you, anne,” she replied, her tone measured, smooth—too smooth.

with the speed at which her mask snapped back on, sebastian felt as if he'd just gone through the looking glass. the moment between them, that fragile flicker of rawness, shattered the second she spoke. the real her, the woman he’d known, was gone—swallowed by a perfect, polished version of herself. he could almost hear the click as the walls went back up, soundproof and impervious.

but just as she turned to leave, her eyes flicked back to sebastian, and for a split second, there was a crack in that mask. a fleeting moment of something raw, something unguarded. the way she looked at him made his chest tighten, the kind of look that carried a thousand unspoken words, a thousand regrets.

her lips parted as if she wanted to say something—anything—but she didn’t. the silence between them grew thick, heavy with all the things they never said and probably never would.

instead, he grabbed his champagne glass, fingers trembling just slightly as he raised it to his lips, swallowing the rest of it in one smooth, numbing gulp. anything to chase away the taste of the moment, anything to erase the feeling of her gaze and touch.

“excuse me,” she murmured, her voice soft and distant, as if this whole thing—this entire exchange—had already been written. she brushed past anne with the grace of someone who had long ago perfected the art of walking away, leaving sebastian with nothing but the bitter aftertaste of champagne and the cold, aching silence.

they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. but sebastian knew the truth. watching her walk away, the woman he had loved with everything in him, the woman who had been his world before it all crumbled—it didn’t make him stronger. it just made him feel dead. and drunk.

or maybe it was just the champagne.

[jiarkives]

the 1

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ summary — if your wishes came true, you wouldn’t have been blue.

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ character — rhysand ft. azriel (a court of thorns and roses)

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ content — angst ; talks of wing clipping ; reader is an illyrian ; written with fem!reader in mind

⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩 .𖥔˚ notes — welcome to my new series, the eras collection, where i write fics and drabbles based on taylor swift songs from different albums. you may request for this series with a certain TS song and a character! also, my hand was basically on autopilot as i wrote this so idk if it makes any sense lol 😵‍💫

~

You watched as your heart felt heavier and heavier with each second that passes and the bitter taste in your tongue grew more and more apparent.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. It certainly wasn’t theirs. It wasn’t their fault you fell in love with someone who wouldn’t ever look at you like how he looked at her, someone who was so close yet so far away.

You had always been Rhysand’s ride or die ever since he had saved you from getting your wings clipped in a camp. You had been by his side even before Azriel and Cassian became his brothers.

You didn’t mean to, but he made it too easy to fall in love with him. He was everything you had ever wanted, yet he never found himself to be deserving of love.

Then, everything changed after what happened Under the Mountain. He had come back a different male, far from who he was when he left. He was paler, thinner, quieter. He wasn’t the same Rhys who left. He was broken.

But none of you commented on it. You helped him to get back up, to get back on his own feet. You let him come to you, let him speak about everything at his own pace.

Then, he did.

You thought you’d feel happy that he was finally opening up, and you were, but your heart broke further when he started telling you about her, his mate. Feyre Cursebreaker. The savior of Prythian.

You were happy for him, really, but you couldn’t help but feel envious, and angry, and hurt. But you didn’t blame them. You didn’t blame anyone else, not even the Mother, not even the Cauldron. After all, it was solely your fault for falling in love with someone who was never destined to be yours, who was destined to be with someone else.

Then you had met Feyre. And you wanted to scream as you watched how she had treated Rhys, and how he had let her.

You wanted to yell at him that you were there. You were right there as you had been the whole time, that you weren’t going to hurt him like that, that you weren’t going to treat him like she did, but you didn’t. You kept your mouth shut and swallowed the lump in your throat every time.

Then, everything had gotten better slowly. She had started getting along with him and the Circle. You weren’t being left out and pushed away in any means, but you couldn’t help but feel like you had been replaced.

It still wasn’t their fault, though. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but yours when you felt your heart breaking with each step they took away from the crowd and into somewhere more private.

When they were out of sight, you excused yourself and moved to another vacant balcony and leaned against railing as she watched as the bright stars crossed the horizon.

You sighed as you looked down at your clothes. It was blue, making you laugh at the irony.

Amren had always told you that your color was blue. At first, you thought she was talking about the clothes you were wearing at the time she told you, and so you agreed. The color blue did complement you well.

Now, you realized that she was still right. Your color was blue. It was not about your clothes, though. Maybe she was talking about how you had always felt blue as you watched Rhys, as you reminded yourself time and time again that he wasn’t yours, that he will never be yours. You had always felt blue as you watched him worm his way into and break through Feyre’s walls slowly.

Then, you felt a presence join you and you didn’t even have to turn to know who they were.

“Were you bored enough that you have decided to join me, Shadowsinger?” Your tone was light and teasing, a stark contrast to the heaviness you felt in your heart.

“Is it so wrong to keep a lady company?” He fired back, leaning against the railing.

“Maybe not, but it’s not quite like you, is it?”

Then, your eyes caught a flash of blue. His siphons. And you realized.

Maybe Amren wasn’t talking about your clothes or your emotions, but maybe she was right anyway. Maybe blue really was your color.

[collecting-stories]

Style - Sirius Black

Summary: you and Sirius enjoy a somewhat on-again, off-again relationship with each other. Marauders era, post Hogwarts.

A/N: The last Sirius fic I wrote was sort of angsty so I'm trying to remedy that with this.

TS Anthology Series | Harry Potter Masterlist

...could end in burning flames or paradise...

The letter came by owl on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, a crisp envelope, heavy, off-white, your name embossed in golden cursive so delicate it was breathtaking. You were careful not to tear the envelope when you opened it, pulling the card out, the same golden lettering inviting you to the wedding of Lily Evans and James Potter at their home in Godric's Hallow. It would be a summer soiree, a bit of information you knew from a visit there last week and not from the letter itself. Lily had asked you to play maid of honor, since Petunia had outright refused to be part of the wedding in any way at all.

"According to her, I've thrown away my entire identity for this hogwash and she won't play party to it any longer. I think it's just that Vernon she's married, he's a tosser. I hate to speak ill but...least I invited her to my wedding." Lily tapered off at the end as she took the kettle off the stove and poured two cups of tea. 

"Well I'll happily take her place," you said, accepting the cup of tea from her. 

Lily's kitchen was bright and colorful, with windows that felt as if the garden didn't end outside but instead stretched its vines into the house and breathed life into it. She'd never been much for herbology in school, or even basic gardening when she was home but since moving to the cottage in Godric's Hallow she'd found a new love for working outside with her hands. Like she was breathing life into everything around her. You always loved being there, the house was warm and welcoming and a far cry from the quiet of your flat in Cambridge, but your visits were scarce. Especially as of late, it had taken a summons by owl for you to agree to show up for afternoon tea. 

"You'll have to around then, for the rehearsal and the wedding you know? James wants to have a party sometime next week too, sort of an informal announcement that we're marrying. He wanted to just send word, I told him I would send out proper invitations," Lily said, 

"I know," you replied, taking a sip of your tea, "I'll be there. You say it like I'm so hard to come by when I'm a fireplace away. James sounds like he has the right idea, anyway. I'd throw a party and then just get married then. Or skip the party." You said, "and the wedding for that matter."

"Oh, I'm well aware that you'd skip the wedding," she laughed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You tried your best at sounding scandalized but it was empty, you knew what she was referring to but neither of you had ever actually gotten close to talking about it. It was something that everyone heard of secondhand, whoever had been the first to hear it from you or Sirius, no one could remember, but Lily had never directly discussed it with you and you had never told her exactly what happened. 

She shrugged, grinning rather mischievously as she did. She looked more like James than herself in that moment, "you know James is making Sirius his best man?"

"I know he is. I saw Remus last week and he mentioned the wedding." You replied. "Why?"

"You'll have to see him."

"Are we going to hash all this out right here over tea? I've got nothing against him, we get on perfectly fine," you said, unable to keep the defensive tone out of your voice. 

You had avoided any real discussion about the nature of your relationship with Sirius with any of your friends. They were all his friends too, after all, and it wasn't really any of their business to pry into what happened. Which wasn't really anything particularly astounding. 

"You rarely see each other lately," Lily pointed out. 

"Are you keeping tabs?" You joked, finishing off the tea and standing to take your cup to the sink. The kitchen door clattered open, James stamping his feet on the door mat before stepping over the threshold. They're behind him, Sirius, stepping into the small kitchen and closing the door behind him. In the three seconds it took him to realize that you were there by the sink, Lily had looked over at you with the sort of apologetic look meant to infer that she had no idea he would be coming through the door at all, let alone while you were here. 

"Speak of the devil," you joked, breaking the seconds of awkward silence and the four of you attempted to make out what protocol you were all meant to follow. "Sirius, Lily tells me you'll be walking me down the aisle."

"Sounds like a dream come true," he teased, recovering only a moment after you and flashing you the sort of smile that had made you weak in the knees everyday from 1st to 7th year. 

"Don't get any ideas, Petunia doesn't want to come to the wedding," you replied. 

"Sounds like you're saving me a very uncomfortable afternoon then."

"Did you both want to stay for dinner? I was just going to gather some veg for a salad and I've got some chicken and pasta to make," Lily offered, looking between the two of you. She'd stood up too and was holding her tea cup and saucer in a death grip. Her voice, on the other hand, remained calm, like nothing at all was bothering her. 

"Of course," you agreed, if only to prove that there really was nothing at all wrong and you didn't mind being around Sirius at all. In fact, you wanted to tell her, you hardly thought of him at all. There wasn't any space to tell her that though, and neither of you would have actually believed it at all. "I can grab the veg for you."

"Perfect," Lily nodded. 

The basket she used to collect vegetables and fruit from the garden sat atop the fridge and you grabbed it down, having to go up on your tiptoes to reach. From the corner of your eye, Sirius made a move toward you, as if to help, but then clearly thought better of it, shuffling away from the door instead and letting you manage the task yourself. 

At least the task of taking the basket out into the garden. It took only three short minutes for Sirius to slip out the kitchen door, closing it quietly behind him and walking to the row of raised beds where Lily had been growing lettuces and spinach. You were tearing arugula and placing it in a pile in the corner of the basket when he found you, standing on the other side of the bed to leave space between the two of you. 

"They're all loved up in there," he mentioned, looking back over his shoulder for a moment before he looked back to you, "what've you said to Lily?"

"What've you said to James?" You asked, not looking up as you moved onto some butter lettuce. 

"Nothing, he's talking about the wedding being a good time for...you know, for us seeing each other again." Sirius almost laughed when he said it, "figured you hadn't mentioned to Lily that we've been seeing each other."

"I just figured it'd be easier that way...in case we aren't when the wedding comes around." You pointed out. 

Sirius pouted at you, lower lip jutting out. What Lily knew was true, you and Sirius had broken up (not for the first time) and you weren't really seeing anyone. Not because you were hiding out or anything so petty, just because you were busy and, times being what they were, you didn't have time to sit around with your friends and eat ice cream and complain. Or whatever it was that Lily had told you would be cathartic. The part of it that she didn't know, that you hadn't told her when you'd mentioned seeing Remus the week prior, was that you'd seen Sirius too. They shared the flat in London after all and it was impossible to avoid seeing Sirius when you saw Remus. Your ex had been there and everything had been fine and then Remus had gone to work (probably knowing exactly what would come of him going to work and leaving the two of you alone) and you were suddenly no longer broken up. 

"Don't be such a cynic, it's not becoming," Sirius teased, grinning when you smiled despite yourself. 

"Your hair is getting long," you commented, changing the subject abruptly. 

"My hair is always long." 

"Longer than usual," you replied, reaching out to play with the end of a strand of wavy black hair. Sirius smile softened and his eyes fluttered closed for a moment before he opened them again, watching you pull your hand away and stand up. "Practically on your shoulders."

"You're very concerned about the length of my hair suddenly?" He asked.

"I was thinking about it this morning when we were brushing our teeth but my mouth was full of toothpaste so I couldn't say, and then you went to see James and so I've just thought it again when I looked at you. That your hair is getting long." You explained. 

"I appreciate the mention, thank you."

You shook your head at him and went back to choosing vegetables for the salad, moving to another raised bed. Tomatoes this time, you noted. You went for the smallest of them, cherry sized and yellow in color. Sirius followed after you, taking a few off a vine to eat for himself. 

"We should get a nice little place like this," he mentioned, looking around the garden. He wasn't sure he could picture the two of you in a garden together but something like it might be nice. Sirius wasn't really a cottage type, not like James and Lily, setting up a cozy little corner of the world where they dreamed of raising a family and cultivating a garden and having neighbors. He wasn't sure he wanted all those things, he felt he was supposed to want them, to dream of waking up on Christmas and coming down to a tree all decorated and lots of little versions of the two of you running about. 

"You wouldn't want that," you said, as matter of fact as he knew it to be true. "You would feel too suffocated somewhere like this, who wants to spend forever feeling like they're losing themselves."

"Is that how you thought you would feel?" Sirius asked, reaching for the basket and laying his hand over yours when you gripped the handle. 

"No," you smiled at him, lifting the gravity of his words, "it's how I knew you might feel...especially if you were hellbent on convincing yourself that this was what you wanted. Sirius Black tending a garden and going to markets on Sundays? I've known you too long, my love, you can't fool me quite as well as you fool yourself."

Sirius grinned, giving little away as to whether he was bothered by your words or not. He had grown up with you though, been friends long before you were lovers, and he knew that you could be blunt with your words. "Well, we wouldn't have to have this place," Sirius finally said, "we could have a nice little flat in London."

"I do have a nice little flat in London and you stay over quite a lot," you reasoned. You were tempted to add that enough of his belongings had made their way into your little flat that there was no way to ever truly expel him from your life. You hadn't even tried the last time, just left everything where it was like a relic of a passed life. 

"True," he agreed, going back to picking vegetables. 

"Do you want to tell James and Lily that we're seeing each other again?" You asked, taking up the basket as he tossed a couple cucumbers in. 

"Do you want to be seeing each other?" He replied. It was a foolish insecurity to have, especially for someone who had never experienced much insecurity in previous relationships (though he didn't really have many substantial relationships he could recall off the top of his head), but sometimes he thought that perhaps you were just bidding your time with him. 

You looked almost confused, eyebrows furrowing as you looked at him, "course. I'd see you all the time if I could." 

"Well," Sirius grinned, almost visibly inflating at your words, "who can blame you for that?"

"Alright, let's get inside before your head gets too big to fit through the kitchen door," you teased, grabbing the sleeve of his shirt and tugging gently so that he would follow you. 

Walking back into the kitchen was like breaking a spell, James was taking the basket from your hands and asking if the two of you wanted some wine from a bottle that "a neighbor gave us last week, not sure exactly where they got it, or if they made it themselves, Lily was convinced that they poisoned it but I said that was silly,". 

"Poisoned?" Sirius asked, taking the green glass bottle and uncorking it. He leaned over the bottle and sniffed as if he'd detect whether it was foul or not. "Doesn't smell poisoned."

"Oh can you smell the poison?" You laughed, grabbing a knife from the block on the counter and laying out the vegetables. 

"I have an excellent sniffer, I'll have you know," he argued, "though I will say it's a bit easier to sus out a poison in my furrier form."

"Do not transform yourself into a dog in my kitchen Sirius," Lily snapped, "you never want to put your clothes back on."

"That's got nothing to do with the dog," you commented and James laughed. 

"Didn't realize I'd been invited to dinner just to endure all this abuse." Sirius grumbled though there was a smile threatening to break across his face, letting you know that he wasn't nearly as upset as he was playing at. 

     You sat beside Sirius for dinner, Lily sending you suggestive looks whenever she thought he was too engrossed in conversation with James to notice (though you knew Sirius better than most and were sure that he had most definitely noticed). Dinner at Lily and James' was like always, fun and lighthearted, conversation steering away from anything too troubling (no talk of the coming darkness) until you were all a little more than tipsy and you'd taken to openly leaning against Sirius when the party moved to the living room. 

He was first to take his leave, though he announced that you were going with him, "think we'd best get home, this one's got work in the morning," were his exact words and the way he said 'home' as if it belonged to both of you made your wine drunk heart skip a beat. You were warm from the alcohol and the fire and hugs goodbye but you still managed to wrap yourself in Sirius' arms as you walked down the sidewalk in Godric's. 

"You know, I think it would be quite nice to have a little flat somewhere, we could decorate it together and have all our friends round for dinner parties and we could go all over the world on holidays." You suggested, the grey of his eyes especially haunting as he measured your words. 

"Sounds lovely," he agreed, though whether that was because it did sound lovely or because he was placating you, even he wasn't positive. 

You both went home and the spell of Godric's Hollow was lifted and when the envelope arrived by owl a week later, Sirius was gone again. Back to his shared flat with Remus and you were back to pretending all the pieces of him that he'd left behind didn't hurt. Remus had assured you, when you'd blubbered rather unattractively over the phone with him two days after things turned sour, that it was just the way things worked between the two of you ("eventually one of you, or both of you, god willing, will mature enough to commit to the relationship you both so desperately crave"). The advice was not what you wanted to hear, to no one's surprise, and you resigned yourself instead to the knowledge that you would not have to see Sirius until the wedding, or rehearsal dinner or whatever Lily had planned. You could stay in the flat in Cambridge that was once again, only yours, and Sirius could go about his own life doing whatever it was that he did when you were taking time away from each other. 

By your own determination and Lily's unwavering devotion to you as a friend, there were no run-ins until the rehearsal dinner, which Sirius was late to. He arrived looking somewhat frazzled, on a flying motorcycle of all things, and apologizing profusely to Lily and James for his tardiness. You were standing with Remus, who'd been tasked with walking beside you until Sirius arrived, watching him greet the jovial couple.

"My mum told me that if I would only stop fooling around with Sirius I might find some nice bloke and settle down," you whispered to Remus when he nudged you gently with his elbow. 

"That sounds very uncharacteristic for you," he replied, "do you plan on taking her advice?"

"Unfortunately, for myself and for her, I really don't," you finally tore your gaze away from your sometimes companion (just as he looked your way) to meet Remus' amused gaze, "I always think I will but then he shows up somewhere and I know I won't." 

"Remus, I see you've taken your rightful place as best man," Sirius teased, wedging himself into the nonexistent space between the two of you. If it wasn't so obvious that you and Remus harbored no feelings for each other, someone might have supposed that Sirius was jealous of his friend receiving your attention. 

"I already told James I didn't want it when he asked me first," Remus joked, moving over a step to accommodate his friend. 

"Did you really?" Sirius called, looking around the small crowd for James and then settling on him, "you asked Remus first?"

"Second best again Padfoot," you teased. 

He looked at you with mild surprise before gasping dramatically and clutching at his chest, "my best friends...all this time and it seems all of my best friends prefer Remus over me?"

"Sorry mate," Remus laughed, clapping a hand on Sirius shoulder. 

He waved him away, "it's alright there Moony, I would probably choose you too."

"I was only teasing anyway Sirius," he promised. 

Lily managed to reign the boys in again, one more walk down the aisle with the correct partners, as she so explained, already walking to her place at the end of the pews. She had on a short white dress with a lace overlay that made her look like something out of a magazine. The absolute picture of beauty with her long ginger hair and bright green eyes. You were almost envious as you watched the way James watched his soon to be bride smiling at him from the other side of the small church. But then you moved your gaze down the row of gathered groomsmen, not having to go very far to find Sirius stood beside James, watching you the same way his best friend watched Lily. 

You held his gaze the whole way down the aisle and you thought that your resolution not to let him back into your life would be all for naught. You'd be surprised if he didn't come home with you tonight. 

"I heard he's been out recently," Dorcas whispered, disrupting your dreamlike fantasy and you turned your head, drowning out Lily and James rehearsal vows so that you could hear your friend's gossip better. 

"Who with?"

"I didn't get specifics, Marlene knows though. She's the one that told me." She replied.

"Yeah well, she's the one he was out with last time." You replied. 

"You act like it doesn't bother you." 

You shrugged at the suggestion, "I've been out to."

When you turned back, in time to follow the fake married couple down the aisle, Sirius was extending his arm and staring at you with mild interest. The sort that said he wanted to know what it was you were talking about because of course he had noticed you talking to Dorcas. You only offered a smile though, letting him lead the both of you down to the back of the church where Lily was slipping her feet out of her heels. 

"These blasted shoes, I tried to charm them to be comfortable and it's just been rubbish." She complained, bending to pick them up.

"Ask Mary, she's good at all those nonsensical charms," you offered, ignoring the look Sirius was still giving you. He was standing so close he was hovering and when you continued to ignore him in favor of saying goodbye to Peter and Dorcas, he pinched at your sides. "Would you stop it?"

"Would you pay attention to me?" 

"I pay plenty of attention to you, if I paid you anymore I would go broke," you huffed, turning to look at him. The pinching stopped and he placed his hands on your waist instead, keeping you close enough that he could whisper and no one would overhear the conversation. 

"What did Dorcas say?"

"About what?"

"About...you know what." He replied.

"Ah," you smiled, "about you sleeping around?"

"I'm not sleeping around! Is that what she said? A date or two but not sleeping around, god." He huffed, seeming personally offended by Dorcas' comment.

"Oh stop, I told her it wasn't a bother to me." You replied, "besides, I imagine I know where you'll be sleeping tonight." 

Sirius grinned, "is that an invitation?" 

You nodded, looking over his shoulder to the front of the church, already decorated for the wedding tomorrow morning. "Maybe we should get married?"

"Would you like that?" He asked, pinching at your side once more.

"Stop it!" You laughed and swatted away his hands, "and to answer your question, I wouldn't mind it one bit. Though I'm opposed to taking your last name only, perhaps a hyphen?" 

"Oh god, how about I take yours instead?" He suggested, "forget Black altogether."

You nodded, "we could have our own little flat?"

"Go on lots of holidays." He replied. 

"Oh but I'd feel awful leaving Remus alone in your old place," you pointed out, envisioning a very sad Remus home alone. 

"I really wouldn't mind," the actual one cut in, having overheard his name in the conversation. 

"Nonsense Moony, they could move into ours."

"I don't actually like your flat though Sirius," you replied.

"How could you not like it?"

"Are you three coming?" James called, looking over at your small party. "We're heading out for drinks."

Sirius took your hand, "we shall discuss the logistics later," he promised, pulling you toward the exit of the church where Remus had already joined James and Lily. 

"I look forward to it."

[droumack]

i love love love ur most recent fic. if you do decide to continue (which no pressure ofc) I predict there’ll be some angst bc nates still young & douchey & since they have to keep their relationship private he might just make Jo feel like a hookup. jo also gets self conscious bc he feels like Nate’s using him to understand his sexuality & since he’s the projected top draft pick “hot girls” keep throwing themselves at nate (ofc no ones more beautiful than Jo).

also I noticed in the fic nate said he wanted to “fuck” jo, not rlly be in a relationship & he didn’t express too many feelings. ofc emotionally stunted pre sports psychologist nate probs wouldn’t have been great at expressing feelings but I wonder if you left that a little vague on purpose…

also I notice a lot of players will have girlfriends at the draft (& then will break up just a few months later). but maybe nate feels pressured to have a girlfriend as the draft comes up which only hurts Jo more. thinking of sweet baby nerd Jo being heartbroken actually makes me want to cry I never want to see him hurt ever hes too precious.

a heartbroken jo who already struggles with anxiety & his self esteem with an emotionally stunted nate whose still dealing with his anger results in a fight where Nate says some things he regrets & they break it off. also the part where nate gets a hat trick when jo comes to the game vs no points when Jo isn’t there so maybe jo feels like nate never even liked him & was just using him as one of his strange hockey superstitions. that combined with his low self esteem & internalized homophobia I just… (I’m not very articulate thus why I don’t write but yk, Jo’s not doing well).

maybe right after Jo’s distraught but he eventually takes the time to heal & Nate is “fine” at first but then after the high of the draft & immediately starting in the nhl as a rookie he rlly starts to process the break up & realizes he was in love with jo & misses him BAD. maybe he to stalk Jo on instagram & he’s now in his freshman yr at college & he’s had a bit of a “glow up” (still adorable nerd Jo but yk) & there are tagged pictures of him with other guys who are pretty touchy and look VERY interested. ofc pre sports psychologist angry Nate spirals a bit & has to hold himself back from flying to Jo’s college town & murdering any guy who looks at him.

nate & jo do end up together again but only AFTER jo makes nate work for it for a long time. also jo’s still navigating his low self worth when Nate first tries to get back with him & there’s a break Nate’s heart when he says something like “every time I look at you I feel worthless.”

also I do love the idea of Nate helping jo pay tuition (esp bc he wants to go to college in the US & as a senior in college rn ts is so expensive😭). maybe he does it secretly. like jo is on one of those “special” scholarships (like the fancy ones with a name for students who most exemplify certain qualities, idk im just on financial aid) but then an anonymous donor has added like $10k more for the next 5 yrs. Also 5 yrs so the school doesn’t get suspicious ab why this donation is only for Jos years there.

ok wait I just realized how much I wrote and you ABSOLUTELY DO NOT have to write this I promise this isn’t like a request ur recent fic just inspired me so much. sorry if this all nonsensical I’m not the best writer😭 you can literally just leave this in ur inbox I totally get it but love you bruinss!! can’t way for ur next fic or even just ur next tumblr post I love when u update even if it’s just a reblog!!

OH WOW HELLO ANON thank you for this gorgeous wall of text, I love all your thoughts

while this would be fun, this is not the direction I have my high school fic going in!

that said I highly encourage to you write your own natejo high school fic because i would devour a plot based on the above

[pagodazz]

Dudeee i fr didnt know people publicly like wrote nsfw shit on like tiktok comments about the cast of emh and im so glad I never saw that like i only ever saw stuff like “I can fix him” “writing abt him in my diary and kicking my feet” 😭 like the wildest thing I saw was probably like. Edits w mildly sexual audios!!!

I think most ppl posting these comments and commenting r like kids?? But Jesus it’s so insane it’s so easy for younger ppl to pull ts bc today u have suchhhh an easy access online :// like idc if u write/read fanfics but I gotta say when ppl start writing abt like rape n shit it makes me queasy so I can’t imagine the actors learning abt that, hope ur doing well tho!! Thank you for bringing awareness to this!!! I think people always go too far w actors like fine write fan fictions of the character but actors is wild

Ranted so much I’m so sorry omg I’m so sorry no one I talk to know my niche interests 💔💔

IM DOING WELL I hope u are too!!!

and I'm honestly very happy that so many people are seeing my post about this situation, because it's just starting to get worse especially since some of these edits are getting 20k+ likes from people who DO NOT KNOW THE MEDIA AS WELL... it's so aughh,,,

The actor of Vinnie was just so upset when the fics w rape started to be written, since he was VERY active in the fandom, I mean he even used to answer DMS and shit for questions but. do you see him anymore 😭😭😭 no bc... he had minors being predatory towards him?? it's so. wild.

I try to post about this topic again and again and this is the FIRST time one of my posts has actually gotten alot of attention, I think it might be do to the fact I felt just so frustrated when I wrote it. I had delt with seeing multiple TikToks in a row with sexual audios and videos talking about how big a characters ass his and how they wanna have sex with them and it's just. AUGH. like 😭😭😭⁉️⁉️⁉️ keep that to ur DMS.

and don't be sorry about ranting !!!!!!! I don't mind being a space to dump some thoughts sometimes!!!! if you ever have emh questions or wanna share some of ur thoughts my asks are open!!!! I'll always try my best to answer them,,, it may take me awhile since I've got alot going on in this head of mine, but!!!!!!! I love hearing people talk about things they enjoy!!!

[separatist-apologist]

I once went to one of their inbox to tell them to please stop tagging elucien if their posts is just about bashing elriel and they basically told me to f*ck off and they can "do what they want" or whatever. I swear, these are the same little sh*ts that would complain about Elriels tagging elucien.

It's the fact that it's always the same 5 people that have literally no hobbies but complain about Elriels. They're lurking in the gwynriel tag too. They're covering the sweet content we're looking for with their bullshit posts.

"Look what these Elriels say-" NO I DON'T WANNA LOOK CAUSE I DON'T CARE! WHY ARE YOU STALKING THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE???

I don't want to see the hurtful stuff they say about Lucien and Elucien, nor do I care about their theories and Interpretation. I blocked the elriel tag and some elriels so that I won't have to see their posts. Heck, I'm avoiding acotar content on Tik tok and Twitter just so I won't see anything elriel and anti elucien related. If I wanted to see anti elriel content, I'd go to the anti elriel tag. It's that simple.

The thing is, I also tried to be more open to the Elriel ship. I'm very confident in Elucien, but should Elriel be endgame then I want to be okay with it. However, these little shits that constantly shove statements from toxic elriels to my face make it very difficult for me. It brings me back to "Elriels are so toxic" thoughts.

Sry for the long rant. It just angers me.

Babe, I once told people to stop taking the bait and they told me to get off my high horse so I feel you on that. Is it getting on a high horse to say that not everything on the internet is made in good faith and by answering obvious trolls...you give them the fight they want? Wow you sure showed them.

But at its core, LB said it best. It's not a bipartisan system and you actually can't tell anything about a person based on the ship they like. If some folks had any self awareness they'd realize they are literally no better than the people they claim to hate and for every one person hyping them up, 8 others feel discouraged and burned out from all the negativity. A fandom can't sustain itself on pure spite- you need people who passionately love the series enough to draw art, write fic, create headcanons etc etc, and to that end you have to let go of the utter boring obsession with what is and is not canon.

I took screenshots of that post, and one person said "the author wrote it that way for a reason???" and to that I'd say, she wrote enough to make elriel a very popular ship, too. Are we picking and choosing? Are we saying you're not allowed to ship something if it isn't canon? No more Neris, no Rhysta, no Casslain, no Azris? And who gets to decide what is and is not canon? Someone on that post was discussing what "true" eluciens are, which excludes me along with a vast swath of other people.

I didn't elect any of these people to decide what I was allowed to write about or commission art for- Like the cherry picking so people can be faux outraged and then take screenshots of one of the most popular artists in the fandom, with a VERY distinct style to create a victim narrative that allows them to feel good about bullying is just overdone and boring at this point.

Anyway, I'll always advocate for blocking people and creating spaces that feel good. And I'll continue saying that if you hate something that much, you should stop engaging with it. No one is ever going to change my mind about elucien, I'm confident in my choices and even if SJM doesn't go that direction, I'll still be writing elucien like idgaf. The constant looking each other up to talk shit reeks of insecurity and boredom. Couldn't be me.

[poolboyservice]

hello :33 🧙‍♂️👽 for the anon ask game (＞Д＜)

all of this is /pos btw!!!

you give me INSANE pastel green hair w a party-poison-kinda-undercut vibes. idk why

I can very clearly see u wearing midwestern emo kinda fashion,,, like flannels,, band tees and ripped jeans n all that and absolutely SLAYING it may I add

people mistake u for a vampire at least twice a day 🫶

you either have the most icy blue eyes known to man or beautiful /p brown orbs.

you def carry around a sketchbook w the cutest lil doodles in it ever . but one page could be that and the next would be the most well crafted piece of fic writing, literature masterpiece anyone has ever read and you'd just shrug it off because ur so chill like that

for some reason I feel like u would smell like vanilla/jasmine flavoured perfume

AND FINALLY. rough guess but your fave doki is either Monika or Sayori

OOOHHHHH I LOVE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!

i actually have a hairstyle kind of similar to Party's (I say kind of cuz its grown out and it was meant to be a wolfcut), although i js have red hair </3 nothing special, though !!! I may have a go at a similar-ish color of bright teal, kinda like gerard's roots, or vaya from the killjoys comics

i need to ask though, HOW DID YOU GUESS MY CLOTHING STYLE. HOW. TELL ME. only thing i can say is different is that my jeans ARENT ripped, but outside of that I do have a few band ts I basically wear weekly (1 mcr t shirt, 2 misfits t shirt, and although not a shirt, 1 ramones sweater). i may draw yesterday and 2 days ago's fits to kinda show you what I tend to wear when the sun isn't strangling me, and some other fits. i rlly like them and they kinda remind me of like . those mcr college AUs, idk why. i may just take a picture of my fits on the floor though because I DONT feel like drawing the t shirts i have <//3

YOU WERE SPOT ON WITH THE SKETCHBOOK THING !!!!! Not even kidding, the journal I have holds a lot of lil shitposts n sketches, but the literal first page of said sketchbook is a love story to an angel-like being that's a metaphor for being trans and what people deem a monster. Aint even the first time either, I also wrote poems that literally made people cry in my notebooks and I'm like ??? its not THAT good guys :'[

you were just dead on w the vanilla scent and the monika being my fave <//3 assigned monika by god itself really /j

can't believe you exactly guessed my eyes though . they are ICY blue, like bert mccracken blue kinda shit. i've been told i look like a gerbert lovechild cuz of that, which . i can never confirm nor deny.

[that-was-anticlimactic]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by my beloved @zukkaoru & @lesmiserablol <333

tagging (with no pressure): @beachytablecloth, @fabro-de-omres, & @milf-harrington (so sorry if you've already been tagged!)

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

69 which... is honestly more than i was expecting? i think it helps that my goal is to post a fic once a month mostly bc that's my motivation to keep writing even when i'm busy/stressed!

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

396,183 - omg i am SO CLOSE to 400k ahhhhhhhhh

3. what fandoms do you write for?

uhhhhhhh many??? right now, it's a lot of bsd/bnha, but it's always a plethora of things, haha! my first was prolly ninjago tbh

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

hey, little songbird, give me a song

you never quite say (but i hear)

lost in love and lost in feelings

Deeper Than Words

for a new world to begin, the old one must fall

okay the #1 for that is honestly so real that is one of my absolute favorite things i've written EVER lol, same with #2! the rest are... idk #4 is AWFUL - like one of my first atla fics and also my first time writing a ts fic (i have gotten SO MUCH BETTER AT IT NOW)

*note: i started this in like nov or early dec, and #5 changed! it was the zukka goose fic but now it's actually one of my favorites iugytfyhujiko

5. do you respond to comments

i used to be good at it. then i got stressed bc of school. and then i was suddenly like "uhhhh idk How to respond???" i think the thing that got me was i didn't know how to reply to the distressed comments on my sokka falling fic so i just. accidentally stopped.

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

oh here in the garden (let's play a game) 100% rip to sokka sorry babes ilysm hate to do it to ya, love the angst tho <333 rip to everyone who missed the major character death tag lol. well... that or a spring and summer song, too brief rip to geto in the +1 oops... oh shoot... it could also be take me where my soul can run... hm...

7. what is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

this was hard, but imma go with i was a child and she was a child bc it's based on one of my favorite childhood memories! rip to zuko and his ice cream tho :/ but azula is VIBING the whole time oiuygfcgyhuij

8. do you get hate on fics?

not really? i did once have someone try to correct me and say that i wrote sokka with ocd instead of tourette's but it was in the bookmarks and it made me laugh lol. i also got this comment on my kubokai kaidou with ts fic: ".. the self projection is heavy in this one ... -_-" so idk if that counts lol

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

nope :)

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

uhhhh not really? i wrote ninjago equestria girls crossover oneshot in middle school but i never finished it and it SUCKED lol

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of?

12. what's the longest you've spent working on a fic? and the shortest?

uhhh i wrote a 7,600 word fic in three hours while i had covid? that's prolly the shortest? i count that as shorter than anything i may have finished faster bc i had covid lol but longest? ummmm over a year? multiple years? idkkkkkk the jay with ts fic i posted was something i wrote in 2019 and i edited it (a lot) and posted it in 2022 so??? that maybe?

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

uhhh i did with friends in middle/high school, but those never left the docs! also grace and i have. very many much so aus lol

14. what's your all-time favorite ship? from all fandoms?

RARIJACK!!! it was one of my first hardcore ships, and also was my introduction to queer ships!!! renga is a close second, but rarijack just is really important and special to me for sentimental reasons that put it above renga and others! i am also on a seroroki kick right now. it's not my all-time favorite, but the brain rot seems never ending right now lol

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

GOD SO MANY i have a folder in gdocs just for ninjago fics and there are folders within the folder for different types of wips i'll never finish - i have That many: "no substance", "baby girls", "drafts"... etc...

16. what are your writing strengths?

uhhhhhhhhhh ngl i'm in a place right now where i feel like the answer is Nothing (writer's block has been Bad recently), but i think something i'm good at in a very specific way is making readers feel the discomfort of characters? like idk i've been told that the way i write ts and tics (specifically tic attacks) makes the readers feel uncomfortable in like a "wow i didn't know it felt this way" kind of way??? i like to think i'm good at characterization??? idkkkk

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

ummm setting and scenery & connecting parts of a story, especially if they're parts that i'm stuck on/transitions are prolly my biggest ones???

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i mean go for it as long as it's respectful and like... you tried making sure it's accurate?

19. first fandom you wrote for?

uhh rainbow fairy/a-z mysteries... but that was like very briefly on paper. first time like... for Realsies was ninjago

20. favorite fic you've written?

oh 100% hey, little songbird, give me a song. it's just really special to me and writing it helped me cope with a new tic i had. but one that i wrote more recently is fantasies i'm not sure that i'm worthy of which is a ritsu-centric fic and is prolly tied as my favorite fic i wrote in 2023. the other one would be sun comes streaming through the window (& i can't sleep anymore) which is my 21k word kenji-centric fic lol but that one is like... i'm more proud of it than anything, which is what puts it up there.

[smaller-comfort]

Writing Game!

3.       Name a fanfic/story you are particularly proud of writing.

10.   What frustrates you the most as a writer?

15.   What made you start to write fanfiction/stories?

3 something you're proud of

I'm still pretty proud of Loser Takes All, even if I still haven't fixed the tomato reference. Idk, at this point do I just link to my ao3 account? I still like most of what's up there.

Wait, no, the shits and giggles answer- I'm actually still quite proud of To Carthage, Burning, which is a post-Kakashi Gaiden Naruto fic that I wrote twenty years ago. It has everything- a gratuitous TS Eliot title reference, weird nonsensical hallucinations that could be manifestations of guilt or could be actual ghosts. ...I guess it really just has those two things. But I, a person who stopped following Naruto after the first timeskip, still feel it holds up pretty well. But you can't find it anywhere except on ff.net, so good luck with that, I guess.

10 What frustrates you as a writer?Currently? No electricity. I know I'm prone to vociferous complaining at the slightest inconvenience, and things could have been *so* much worse, but ohhhhh my god. Sleeping without even a fan on is making me lose my mind, and it's putting a damper on my desire to do fuck all, never mind writing. I guess it's that disconnect between my brain wanting to produce words, and the rest of me being unable to, for various reasons. Not a fan of that feeling.

Oh, also my tendency to rely overly on semicolons, I guess. I'm not going to stop or anything. But sometimes I feel like I get a little out of hand.

15. What made you start writing fanfiction/stories?

I was always writing and daydreaming as a kid; the first real fanfic I ever wrote was some ffvii self insert stuff when I was twelve. I had a geocities website, and later a writing blog, because that's what everybody else had back in those days. I was mostly a lurker in fandoms for years, though; the bulk of my writing was original sff stuff. I usually only write fanfic when something digs its claws too hard into my brain for me to ignore it. The thing that *keeps* me writing at the moment is all of you, though. Small fandoms are pretty great.

[bonerot19]

okay so first of all I haven’t read the newest chapter of sigh no more but I wanted to say that the way you interwove the poetry and jason’s rescue was incredible. I now want to read more of these works because genuinely. So haunting.

and then the next chapter :(( it’s so difficult to try and heal someone who can’t really let themselves heal. it’s such a messed up state where there’s not really a clear path to take and the hurt still remains. it’s like everyone is at fault but nobody is to blame if that even makes sense 😢

and then last, I was wondering abt your feelings on reverse robins? Usually I don’t really care about it but ik you’re a steph jason enthusiast (as you should and so am I tbh) and an au where Steph is Red Hood and Jason is Spoiler is so chef’s kiss to me. Like not only does that fit with them, they have the similar kind of righteous anger and desperate love and want to save and change the world because of how it failed them but also they would be bffs too.. my little guys <33

🥹🥹🥹🥹

I'm sooo glad you like it. I wrote that chapter one night when I couldn't sleep and felt like I was losing my mind and thought it would be a good time to write Jason feeling like he was losing his mind. also the Hollow Men by TS Eliot is a masterpiece

it's hard to let people help you when all they’ve ever done is let you down

as for reverse robins - its not usually my thing (it usually involves Tim as Red Hood and I respect that the concept might work sometimes but generally I don't like it. like, the whole reasoning behind Red Hood doesn't work with Tim imo) BUT I do think it could possibly work with Steph

my issue is, i don't like giving the attributes of the robins to each other and giving them each others back stories? like, the reason Steph is Spoiler is directly bc her dad is cluemaster. the reason Jason is the Red Hood is specifically bc of how he grew up, being taken in Bruce, and then dying like he did, waking up in his grave, the league, etc

if Steph was red hood instead, it would, in my mind, involve taking her and putting her in Jason's story and assuming she would make the same decisions

I know I'm thinking about it too hard and I genuinely don't want to bash reverse robins fics cause I think really interesting things can be done with them

I'd be more interested in something about Steph where she died as BG at the hands of Black Mask and then woke up, dug her way out, was found by the league, trained, escaped, came back

I could see her coming back as something Hood-esque and wanting to punish Bruce for firing her, for not saving her, for not realizing she was alive and saving her from the league

and then, if this was an age reversal au, maybe the Steph that comes back saves Jason, who is Robin. or even finds him trying to be his own vigilante, Spoiler-esque, and doesn't want this kid to die so she starts mentoring him (I do love a good Red Hood mentors Spoiler fic)

[narastories]

20 questions for fic writers!

Thank you @septemberskye for tagging me <3

I'll tag @nijinskys @viole-n-ts @brotherhoodoftheblade and anyone who would like to do this.

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 98! (The same formatting thing happened to me too lmao) I can't believe it's almost 100. It's especially fun because it's Yuletide season and the fic authors won't get revealed until January. Which means it will probably be impossible to tell exactly which one counts as my 100th fic and somehow I like that.

2. What's your total AO3 word count? For a second I thought I would have to add it up manually. Phew. It's 457,682.

3. What fandoms do you write for? The Fetch Phillips Archives, The Dresden Files, and the Lord John Series (Outlander). Sometimes a fic here and there for other fandoms.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos? the hero's prize, A bed and a penny, whatever this may be, over the edge and out of sight, Love your enemy The popularity of a fandom or a ship + the age of the fic will always have a bigger impact on your statistics than the quality of your writing. Don't swear it too much.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes, almost always. I found many friends this way.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably "so cold". A short ficlet but it hurt lol

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?  I usually write happy endings so I can't choose ^^"

8. Do you get hate on fics? Luckily I wouldn't say I do. I've gotten some annoying grammar corrections, and deliberate misunderstandings about a ship, but nothing I would call outright hate in the comments. Oh, and there was that one guy who got their panties in a twist because I've written a male character as a witch. That was fun.

The silver lining in writing for small fandoms, rarepairs, and niche topics is that you don't get many eyes on you so you just statistically catch fewer dumbasses. But if you are getting hate, just remember: don't feed the troll. Eat the troll ;)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Yes, I write all kinds of smut. Usually, my kind of smut is: - There is extensive set-up. I like to set the mood first, so unless it's a very short fic, there isn't any smut in the first 30% I would say. Even if I consider it a PWP there is usually some kind of set-up. - There are usually feelings involved. I like to focus on that, even if it's just a hook-up. - It's usually kinky. Not always, but I do write a lot of ships with inherent power dynamics or morally grey characters. And I'm happy to go all out there with the kinkyness lol

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written? No. It's not my thing. But never say never because I actually have one idea for a fun little crossover...

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? OMG yes! Three of my ficlets from the Harry/Nic OTP challenge got translated to Russian and I'm so honored <3

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?  No... that idea gives me anxiety....

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? I can't answer this either. There are just too many ships that are too close to my heart. Especially since there are several rarepairs where I published either the first or most of the fics on AO3 for that ship... I simply can't choose.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I have one unfinished WIP on AO3, "over the edge and out of sight" which I know I will never continue (but I don't even want to so I don't think it counts as an answer). After that, I've stopped putting WIPs on AO3 in general ^^" From my WIP folder, there are several that I would love to finish, but I don't think I will: - I started a translation of my super old BJR/OC (Outlander) fic but I had a really hard time getting over the embarrassment of reading my old fic - I have a few snippets of a continuation for the J/J/J series (Outlander) and it would be very fun but I'm not sure if I'll ever be in the mood to finish it - I also started a modern Enjou/Aether fic (Genshin Impact) that would be super cute but it's probably too much work compared to my investment in that fandom

16. What are your writing strengths? POV. I think I'm good at showing the POV character's personality. And I sink my teeth into that deep POV and don't let go. You won't catch me slipping into a different POV in the next paragraph, and I'm sort of proud of that.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Plot? lmao It's complicated for me. I can't come up with an intricate plot before I start writing. I need to start writing and then halfway through move the puzzle pieces around. It's difficult for me to wrap my head around it. I also think that sometimes I get so focused on setting something up that I don't realize that the reader might think I'm setting something else up if that makes sense. That's definitely an area I could improve on.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I don't like it. I'm fluent in 3 languages and I've written fic in 2. But I don't like writing or reading dialogue in another language in a fic because I think it disrupts the flow of reading. For me, it's less about the fear of making a mistake in a language that isn't my native tongue (because this one isn't, for example, lol) and it's more about worrying that it won't be enjoyable for someone who doesn't speak that language. Even if you provide translations it's just a lot of effort to scroll back and forth.

A word here and there is fine for me, or if you can cleverly convey language barriers by adding a few sentences. But otherwise, I would just rather write what language they are supposed to be speaking in.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Uh I think HP, back in high school. But that just shows my age lol

20. Favorite fic you've ever written? That is so difficult to answer. It's either "put my heart in your pocket" or "moral compass for hire".

[swiftlythebest]

hi!

i’m here to be annoying, I am a heartstopper swiftie too.

The first time I heard Electric Touch I looked at my best friend and was like oh this is Nick and Charlie’s song. I was already so excited because I also LOVE LOVE LOVE FOB.

I have 3 Tay songs on my playlist “I love liking you”

It’s Nice To Have A Friend - this is so them, i can not get into all the ways, if Taylor told me she read Heartstopper and then wrote that I’d believe it

Begin Again - Such a fitting song for the way Ben treated Charlie to the insufferable infatuation Nick has for him

and Dress- for the line “I don’t want you like a best friend” but I think I need to switch it to Electric Touch now.

(also i share the love you have for peace and it’s so cool to see someone else appreciate an otherwise underrated song)

Hiiiiiiii! Sorry for the delayed response, I wanted to make sure I had time to properly respond to your lovely message!

Electric Touch IS a Nick and Charlie song and I have like a third of a fic written that’s inspired by it. I’ve loved FOB since middle school and was SO EXCITED to see them featured on a vault track from my favorite album. I love their performance with Taylor from the VS Fashion Show a while ago and think they just work well together musically!

Okay, cutest playlist name ever. You wanna know what I called my most recent playlist? “A new playlist.” I’m revolutionary.

INTHAF is SUCH a Nick and Charlie song!! I titled my first N/C fic after that song because it IS THEM. Like, Taylor could have. HS was alive and thriving when Lover was made and released. Also, her approving seven in the new season makes me wonder how much of the show she’s seen. Like, did she watch that scene and move on with her life? Or did she watch more because the beauty of that scene intrigued her?! I need to know.

Ugh, Begin Again works SO WELL. Charlie, my beloved, I’m so glad you found someone who actually cares about you and is nice to you and loves all your little quirks. Let’s get these boys into a cafe on a Wednesday!

Dress is the ultimate friend to lovers song for obvious reasons. I also think the “secret moments in a crowded room” is very N/C even if they are far less subtle than they think they are. Say my name and everything just stops but it’s Char. Like, that works very well.

PEACE IS ONE OF THE BEST SONGS SHE’S EVER MADE. I will sing the praises of that song forever and have no idea why it’s so underrated.

Thank you so much for this message, it was very fun to talk TS/HS!!

[nandysparadox]

thanks for the tag :D

When did you post your first fanfic?

can't say exactly but 2017! it was a short little thing i posted on amino but it counts XD

First Character you wrote for:

it was an undertale au fic so. frisk i suppose?

Main character(s) you're currently writing for:

roman <333 although i do write from patton and remus' pov often enough 😆

Character(s) you haven't written about before but plan on writing about soon

no current plans in regard to that, I've written about all the sides before i think so all there's left is ts shorts characters

Fandom(s) you're currently writing for:

sanders sides (i might do more for roleslaying with roman in the future though if the mood strikes me)

Platonic pairing(s) you currently write for:

platonic moceit and moxiety are everything to me 💖

Romantic pairing(s) you currently write for:

royality and dukexiety gdkkd im not opposed to writing more ships in the future though, i just haven't got ideas for them (anxceit is the exception 👀)

Your top three tags on AO3 (if you post your works on AO3):

Fluff, Alternative Universe - Human, Hurt/Comfort (same hat !👒)

Your current platform where you post your works:

ao3 and on tumblr !

Snippet of A WIP you're currently working on:

here's a sneak-peek of the next chapter ;)

You’d think that if he’d get one thing right it would be his job, but here they were. Yet again he led Thomas to unachievable goals, chasing dreams he couldn't fulfill. But he supposed that was his role — dreaming, wanting. Falling when unable to reach it, heat on his fingertips when he nearly touched it, ever the Icarus. After all, it was human nature to want, and he’d made up that part.

No pressure tags: @vinbee631, @creativia10, @typically-untypical

❦ ➷ get to know your fellow fanfic writers better ༊ ✧.*

I had fun doing this! ♡

when did you post your first ever fanfic?

January 2017, I think. wow, it’s been 6 years! (no, I’m not giving you my Wattpad username)

first character you wrote for:

Joker. it was during my Wattpad era. I have zero regret, but I’m not giving the link lol

main character(s) you’re currently writing for:

Daniel Harrow & Henry Creel (as in separate fics that aren’t crossover, but wouldn’t it be nice if I wrote a crossover with these two…)

character(s) you haven’t written about before but plan on writing about soon:

Henry Morgan (from Forever tv) !! also, I’d love to write more about Captain Jack Sparrow

fandom(s) you’re currently writing for:

Harrow & Stranger Things

platonic pairing(s) you currently write for:

Daniel Harrow & Simon Van Reyk (Harrow), Henry Creel & Eleven (Stranger Things)

romantic pairing(s) you currently write for:

I know it’s been more than a year since my last update so I can’t say currently, but Loki/Mobius. other than that the more recent one is Will Byers/Mike Wheeler but even then, it’s still rare. so I guess I focus more on writing platonic relationships lately (honestly it just depends on the characters whom my hyperfixation is on and whether their relationship with the other characters is romantic or platonic.)

your top 3 tags on AO3 (if you post your works on AO3):

whump, hurt/comfort & angst

your current platform where you post your works:

tap HERE for my AO3

snippet of the wip you’re currently working on:

should be posted hopefully within the next few days!

But Harrow forced a smile as he greeted Simon with a hug. And when he hugged Simon, his smile became real. And for a moment Harrow could forget the guilt and the shame he carried with him. For a moment, he could really breathe, knowing that Simon was safe. In his arms.

* aka a fix-it fic where Simon lives.

🏷️ no pressure tags at random: @foodiewithdahoodie @queereldritch @bebataylor84 @ohfallingdisco @eddiemunsons-missingnipple @sillylittlerock @jcbbby @maladaptive-jcb @highwarlockofphilly @can-of-pringles @mirilyawrites @chaos-monkeyy @harringroveera @medium-rare-bimbo @deliaqbower @ripcreel @rins-love-wins @okilokiwithpurpose @lokisgoodgirl @loki-is-my-kink-awakening @daddiesdrarryy @loki-hargreeves @zodiyack @cha-melodius @insert-witty-user-name-here @dewdropreader @blackbirdofasgard @mimisempai @underwhelmingalchemist @excusemefangirlhere @abitofboth @worstloki @littlekinng @andiwriteordie @cluelessbees @suzieburself @waroftheposes @drop-of-infinity @bookinit02 @bizarrelittlemew @ghostalservice @pilkingtonian @thefatedthoughtofyou @brbsoulnomming @spooky-brakers @cosmicanamnesis @cranberrymoons @onirislanding @thefreakandthehair @thisapplepielife — if I didn’t tag you and you’d like to join, please do! everybody is welcome

[darklingduke]

Why can't I just write a fic again?

Like the same fic, just... again?

[eugeniedanglars]

it’s in your nature to fear what is natural (22.4k, oneshot, Steve/Bucky)

Bucky feels an acidic bite of curiosity. “Dames, plural?” he asks, his voice pleasantly neutral. “I thought it was just Marlene from your art class.”

The tips of Steve’s ears go sweetly pink. “Helen Kominsky let me feel her up under her skirt last month,” he admits.

Bucky resists the urge to say that everyone and their grandfather’s felt up Helen Kominsky under her skirt.

“Do you reckon it was a mistake?” Steve asks.

“What, feelin’ up Helen Kominsky? Not if you washed your hands afterwards.”

remember that self-indulgent captain america fic i mentioned i was writing a few days ago? well, it’s up on ao3!

[whataboutmyfries]

Wildest dreams (come to life)

Right, so i understand why you'd think this was a paraphrased/mutilated taylor swift song used to hint at a TS songfic but I can promise that this is not that. Instead, have an un-betaed fic that I wrote in multiple fits of midnight/way-too-early-morning fits of inspiration. a wee bit nsfw but no actual explicit-ness

This is, of course prompt number nine (!!!) from this prompt list! the whole collection can also be found on Ao3 here! enjoy!

9. unbuttoning your lover's shirt, pressed against the wall

~

Remus grinned at his husband, wine-drunk and laughing as they stumbled out of the cab, drunkenly waving at the man driving away. Remus could scarcely believe how incredibly happy he was, married to the love of his life, and his best friend (though Lily would kill him if she ever found out. Remus repeatedly promised her she was a very close second, almost tied for first, and she just laughed, elbowing him in the ribs) 

“Thank you, mister Taxi man! You’re the best!” 

Remus laughs, slipping his hand into Sirius’s, twining their fingers together, stealing his husband’s (husband’s) warmth. Sirius turned, the streetlights bringing out the midnight-blue tones in his hair. Remus’s heart did funny things in his chest at the sight of those devastating dimples flashed in his direction. He grinned right back, his knees going a little weak and his heart taking to fluttering happily, thumping unsteadily at the thought that he got to bring this stunning man home (to their home)

Sirius’s wink was all the warning he got before he yanked Remus into his side, his strong arm coming to catch Remus around the waist, the two of them laughing and stumbling (just a little) to the front door, Remus doubling over in laughter when Sirius dropped the keys (twice).

Sirius glared at him, bending over to get the key into the keyhole, his tongue peeking out of the corner of his mouth as he squinted at the handle. 

Remus, meanwhile, was far too preoccupied observing the delicious curve of his husband’s (Husband!!!!) arse. He grinned, his face scrunching up with joy as he gently patted Sirius’s ass through his jeans. 

“Hmmmmm” Sirius stood up triumphantly, having finally gotten the door open. He turned to look at Remus, stumbling just a little with how quickly he spun on his heel. 

“Remus John Lupin-Black, did you just hum and pet my arse like it’s some sort of absurd…..cat-creature?” Sirius chuckled at the end of his sentence, awfully pleased with himself at his little joke. 

Remus shrugged, leaning forward to wrap his hands around Sirius’s shoulders (damn, his husband had some nice shoulders.), “Well, it’s a very nice arse. It’s not like I could just stop myself.” 

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’s waist, trying and failing to hide the amusement in his voice as he pulled his husband closer. 

“Oh, you just couldn’t stop yourself, huh? My mistake then, carry on.” 

Remus grinned, tipping his head to lean closer into Sirius’s space, their lips brushing as he said, “Ask nicely, and maybe I will.” 

Sirius’s eyes heated, the hands at Remus’s waist gripping tighter as his heart raced, his breath hitching at the fire in Remus’s words. 

Remus cocked an eyebrow, grinning against his husband’s lips as Sirius tugged him into their house, kicking the door shut behind them (and pinning Remus against it), never parting their lips for so much as a second while he devoured Remus like a man starved. Remus grinned devilishly, exceptionally pleased with the effect he had on his husband; Sirius bit playfully at his lip in return and Remus groaned into the kiss, scrambling to un-tuck the half of Sirius’s shirt that was still tucked neatly into the (sinfully, delightfully, deliciously) fitted trousers he’d worn for the special occasion. Sirius caught on, and Remus let out a debauched moan as Sirus’s head dropped to his neck, sucking at where his pulse ratcheted against his husband’s positively sinful mouth. 

“Bedroom, darling?” Remus gasped out as Sirius did unholy things‌ to his neck and collarbones, his warm hands finding their way up Remus’s shirt, nimble fingers tracing the dips in his spine. 

Sirius just hummed, tracing a path up Remus’s neck only to capture his lips in a devastating kiss, his weight pinning Remus to the door as his nimble fingers made quick work of the buttons of Remus’s shirt, warm hands eagerly shoving the fabric off of warm skin to let Sirius mouth at the newly exposed skin. 

Remus couldn’t help his choked moan as Sirius mouthed a trail down his body, stopping only when Remus’s head thunked gently against the door. 

Mercury eyes met hazel, and Sirius smirked. 

“Eyes on me Lupin” 

(Holy fucking mother of god fucking CHRIST motherfucking fucking god how is he so ho—) 

Remus could have sworn his brain fused out when he saw Sirius on his knees, looping up at him as he unfastened Remus’s trousers. He took a second to marvel at how gorgeous his husband looked like this; utterly debauched, his shirt hanging open on his (positively edible) shoulders, the tie he’d untied and slung around the back of his neck brushing against his muscled torso as he looked up at Remus (he was on his knees. For Remus. Formeformehe’sallmineforever)

Remus’s heart burst into a thousand shimmering pieces as Sirius pressed reverent kisses to his thighs, pausing only to suck bruises into the muscle of Remus’s v-line and Remus groaned, already imagining how pretty they’d look the next day. His hips thrusted involuntarily as Sirius bit gently at the spot he’d just licked and Remus twined his fingers through Sirius’s hair, tugging him up to kiss him desperately. 

“Bed. Definitely bed.” 

Sirius laughed, the sound pressed into the soft skin of Remus’s shoulder. For just a second, Remus could have sworn he could feel it fill him up with a glowing warmth, spreading from Sirius’s lips all the way into his very soul. 

“Bed it is.” 

Remus let out a choked gasp as Sirius picked him up in one smooth motion, Remus’s legs going around his waist almost on instinct. Sirius smiled, pulling Remus impossibly closer as he reached up for a soft, slow kiss. 

“Happy five years, mister Lupin-Black” 

Remus looked down at the face of his most fantastic dreams come to life. He smiled, incandescently happy as he cupped Sirius’s face in his hands to kiss him again. 

“Happy five years, mister Black-Lupin”

~

Comments and reblogs are stored in a jar on a shelf to help bring this author joy and glee when the motivation runs dry :))