#the first demo song void was wonderful too i really loved it. i loved the little staccato vocals in the beginning with the word satelite

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and you know ive been losing my mind over nyl's demo reel. first of all, really appreciate eclipsed sounds giving us raw samples before release, i love demo songs but i do also wanna hear what the vocal modes actually do unmixed so i can better picture what the final product will be like. second of all YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS THEY SOUND SO GOOOOOOOOOD

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I Choose Defeat

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Angst, Drama

Summary: Written for Gothtober 2020, Day 5. Prompt: “Killing Romance.”

When Gerard makes the decision to ‘kill’ My Chemical Romance, your hidden feelings for him, turn to despair. You’re crushed by the reality that he’s no longer your bandmate, but you try your best to move on. Four years later, you have a quiet life in New Jersey - and a child that isn’t is. But, when you get a call in the middle of the night, asking you to get the band back together, you find yourself jumping at the chance. 

You and the other members of My Chemical Romance, sat around a coffee table, at Reprise Records headquarters. You sipped from your mug anxiously, unsure why Gerard had called this meeting. 

Is this about the new studio space?, you wondered. He did say he wanted to build a new recording spot, on his property, so that we’ll have an easier time, putting together the rest of the new album. 

But, something in his melancholy expression, told you that he wasn’t here, to show off blueprints. His hazel eyes seemed to stare right through you.

You glanced at Frank on your right, and Ray and Mikey on your left. They seemed nervous, too, as they waited for Gerard to speak. The silence in the room was deafening. 

“So,” Gerard said finally, “I’ve decided I quit.” 

“What?” you blinked. 

“I no longer want to be the vocalist of My Chemical Romance,” Gerard spelled out. “I’m out.” 

Four jaws dropped in unison. The mug nearly fell right out of your hand. 

“That means that My Chemical Romance is….over with,” Mikey realized. “I mean, there’s no way in hell that we could continue the band without you.” 

This much was obvious - Gerard was the group’s leader. It’s visionary. A drummer, such as yourself? Potentially replaceable. But the vocalist, lyricist, and frontman? No way. If he was done, his departure would be a bullet between My Chemical Romance’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Gerard sighed. “I’ve been trying, to act like everything’s fine, and keep working on new songs with you guys. But….my heart’s just not in it anymore.” 

“What about the new album?!” Frank interjected. “The demos we’ve been working on so far….I thought those songs really had potential!” 

“The guitar parts you wrote were good, Frankie,” Gerard admitted. “If you want to take those melodies, and recycle them into a new project, at some point? You definitely have my blessing to do that.” 

“Frank might be fine forming some new band, with new people,” you said, tears forming in your eyes, “but, what about me? What am I supposed to do?” 

You had dropped out of school, years ago, when Gerard asked you to drum for his band. And the truth was, that you had nothing to fall back on. You’d spent the last decade of your life, focused on nothing, but being in My Chem. Now, that career was just….gone. 

“I was talking to Andy Hurley the other day,” Gerard said calmly. “He said, that when Fall Out Boy broke up, he became a touring drummer, for some other bands. Like, I think he went on the road with Earth Crisis for a while.” 

“Oh, so you just have all the answers, is that it?” you snapped. You didn’t think, he’d really given that much thought, to how this would affect you, at all. 

“Y/N, come on,” Ray intervened, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You have to admit….the last tour, was really hard on all of us.”

“He’s right,” Mikey sighed. “We were constantly jet lagged. I was eating No-Doz like candy, just to stay awake, during some of our shows.” 

“I...I never said being in this band was easy,” you stammered, “but that doesn’t mean you just give up!”

“I can’t force it, if the passion’s just not there anymore!” Gerard insisted. “Do you remember the last show we played?”

“Yeah, what about it?” you demanded. 

“I wasn’t even looking at the fucking crowd,” Gerard confessed. “Or at my mic. My head was somewhere completely else. I was looking at the sea, in the distance. I didn’t want to be on that stage. And I know that our performance suffered, because of that. It wasn’t my best work. If I can’t give the fans the show they deserve, I’d rather not do any more shows, at all.” 

“You didn’t feel happy at all, when you were playing with us?” you realized. 

“No,” Gerard said bluntly. “I felt nothing.” 

Your chest hurt, and your eyes welled up with tears. Nothing?

Being onstage with Gerard, watching him sing, from behind your drum kit, was euphoria to you. A high that no drug could match. Listening to the crowd sing along with him, as you played your heart out....those were always the best nights of your life. But, clearly, he didn’t feel the same way, that you did. 

You always thought you’d have more time with him. Whether it was in the studio, or on tour….you’d taken for granted, that you would have another opportunity, to tell him how you really felt. 

You’d had feelings for him, for a long time. To put it frankly, you were in love with him. 

I told myself, that as soon as we finished the record, I would confess my feelings to him, you recalled, your hands shaking. I didn’t want it to affect the work we were doing in the studio, so I was going to wait. But now the fifth MCR album, is never going to exist! 

Even if your fantasies of dating him never materialized, you thought you would always have him, as a bandmate. Even if we never became boyfriend and girlfriend….we would still travel the world together, as singer and drummer. That was something I thought I could always rely on! 

Now, everything you thought you’d have, was up in smoke. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under you. 

“Gerard, how could you?!” you cried, unable to stop the tears, from falling from your eyes. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be in any band, if it’s not with you!” 

“Y/N, I’m sorry…,” Gerard began, seeming taken aback, by how deeply, his words had wounded you. 

“Save it!” you barked. “I don’t want to hear it!” 

You grabbed your keys, and stormed out of the room. 

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard cried. 

His voice didn’t stop you. If nothing was what he felt, sharing the stage with you….then, nothing was exactly what you would be to each other, from this day on. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

FOUR YEARS LATER

You’d moved back to New Jersey, after the band broke up. Los Angeles held nothing for you anymore, but memories. All you wanted was to forget. 

You’d tried to fill the void in your heart, by blowing money on vinyls. You thought maybe, if you turned the volume all the way up, and made the whole house shake with sound, you wouldn’t be able to hear Gerard’s voice, in the back of your head. I felt nothing. 

Your time together had been special to you….but, clearly, you thought, it hadn’t been special to him. So, when the guy at the record store, had asked for your number, you’d given it to him. 

You thought you could get over Gerard, by jumping into bed with someone else. Patrick certainly wasn’t unattractive. And, he was never unkind to you. When he told you that he loved you, you said it back. 

But…..you didn’t mean it. Deep down in your heart, you knew you were still in love with Gerard. And the worst part was, Patrick knew it, too. So, the relationship failed. Of course it did.

But, it had left you with one good thing: a child. You loved your daughter, even though you didn’t love her father. Motherhood had given you a reason to get out of bed every day. Even if you felt like your life was in shambles, you still had a responsibility, to be there for her. 

She looked up at you, with innocent blue eyes, as you tucked her into bed. 

“Mommy need hug?” she asked, holding her teddy bear tightly. 

“No, sweetheart,” you sighed, ashamed that your mental state was so obvious, even to a toddler. “Mommy’s okay.”

You thought to yourself, as you kissed her goodnight, that she might be the only person in this world, to ever truly love you unconditionally. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You were sitting at the kitchen table, alone with your thoughts, and a glass of Pinot, when the phone rang. You wondered who it could be, at this hour. 

“Hey, Y/N,” said a familiar voice, when you picked up. 

“Frank?” you blinked. “What’s up?” 

“How are you doing?” your former bandmate asked gently. 

“Pretty good,” you lied. “It’s been a while.” 

“It has,” Frank admitted. “I just got done with a tour, not too long ago.” 

Right, you remembered. He’s got his own little solo project now. 

“What are you calling yourselves these days?” you asked. “The Cellabration?”

“No, it’s The Patience now,” Frank corrected. “Man, I really wish I could have convinced you to join us. You know you were my first pick, for a drummer.” 

“You found a better one,” you shrugged. “I bought a copy of your CD. It sounds like Matt Olsson is doing a hell of a job.” 

“I’ll tell him you said that,” Frank chuckled. “You been up to much, music wise?” 

“Nah,” you confessed. “I mean, I did a little production stuff, for an indie label, here in town. But mostly, I’ve just been living off royalties, and child support.” 

“Fair enough,” Frank replied. “How’s the little one doing?” 

“Lena‘s doing great,” you smiled. “She’s full of energy, like most three year olds are.” 

You heard Frank laughing. 

“What?” you asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“I still can’t believe,” Frank snickered, “that you named your daughter Helena.” 

“Of course I did,” you said wistfully. “Of all the songs we ever composed together, I think that was my favorite.” 

“Honestly, it’s one of my favorites, too,” Frank confessed.

“How are Lily and Cherry?” you asked. “And Miles?” 

“The twins just had their seventh birthday,” Frank said proudly. “God, they’re getting so big. And Miles just started kindergarten, he loves it.” 

“That’s great,” you smiled. “Lena and I, should come over and visit you guys soon.” 

“I’d really like that,” Frank agreed. “I mean, you’re right down the road, after all.”

It was true - Frank, was the only other former band member, who had returned to New Jersey, after things went south. 

“....That’s actually part of, what I wanted to talk to you about,” Frank said, after a moment. 

“What do you mean?” you wondered. 

“So….you and I, still hang out all the time,” Frank began. 

“...Yeah?” you nodded. Where was he going with this? 

“But, you also visited Ray not too long ago, right?” he asked. 

“Uh, yeah, last fall,” you recalled. “He invited me down to his house in California. He wanted me to play drums, for a track on Remember The Laughter.” 

It had been nice to see him again - and even nicer, to get out of the East Coast snow. 

“But, while you were in LA, you also hung out with Mikey, right?” Frank asked. 

“Yeah,” you confirmed. “He asked me to go to a Dodgers game with him, while I was in town. It was pretty fun. He was asking me for parenting advice the whole time, because Kristin was pregnant with Rowan.” 

All of the former members of My Chemical Romance were parents now….except one. But, you didn’t want to talk about him. To your chagrin, this was the exact person, whom Frank asked about next. 

“What about Gerard?” he demanded. 

“What about him?” you scoffed. Even after all this time, thinking about him, still hurt. 

“I was texting Gee last night,” Frank explained. “Y/N….he told me that you haven’t gone and seen him, even once, since the day the band broke up.” 

“It’s true,” you admitted. 

“Shit, man,” Frank swore. “It’s been four years. Do you really hate him, that much?” 

“I don’t hate him,” you said softly. 

“Could’ve fooled me,” Frank tutted. “Was it really necessary, to block his number?” 

“It was,” you insisted. “I have nothing to say to him.” 

“Well,” Frank revealed, “he had something, that he wanted me to say to you.” 

Your eyes widened. 

“What is it?!” you demanded. 

“Damn,” Frank teased. “You sound pretty eager, for someone who refuses to speak to him directly. For the record, it’s kinda childish, if you ask me! You and I are both in our thirties now - and he just turned fuckin’ forty. And I still have to be a go-between, for you two?” 

“Just tell me what he said, already,” you said impatiently. 

“Fine, fine,” Frank sighed. “I’ll get to the point.” 

“Well, what is it?” What could he possibly have to say, after all this time?

“He asked me,” Frank whispered, “if you would be interested, in getting the band back together.”

You dropped the phone in shock. It hit the tile floor, with a crash. You were lucky, that the noise didn’t wake Lena. You bit your lip. You wanted to scream, but you couldn’t. 

Was this real?! you thought, your hands shaking. Oh, god, please let it be real. 

You’d wanted to hear those words for so long. Despite all your anger and resentment towards Gerard….you wanted him, to miss you. You wanted him, to want to get onstage with you again. Because deep down….you still wanted, that, too. 

You picked the phone up off the floor, and pressed it to your ear again. 

“Damn, Y/N, what was that?” Frank gaped. 

“Sorry,” you mumbled. “I can hear you now. So….tell me again? Exactly what he said?”

“He said he wants to get all five of us in a room together,” Frank explained. “Just...try and jam for a little bit, and see where it goes from there.” 

“Where?” you asked. “LA, I’m guessing?” 

“Yeah….”

“Ok, when?” you interrupted. “I can try and find a sitter, to watch Lena for a weekend, so….” 

“Slow down!” Frank urged. “What the fuck, Y/N?” 

“What do you mean, what the fuck?” you asked, eyes narrowing. 

“You just told me, you haven’t said two words to Gerard, since 2013!” Frank reminded. “Now, all of a sudden, you’re chomping at the bit, to get on a plane, and go see him?” 

He had a point. You hated yourself for this. You’d spent the last four years, trying desperately to forget about Gerard. Now, as soon as he dangled the possibility of a reunion in front of you, you were wagging your tail like a dog for him. 

He still has me in the palm of your hand, you realized, cheeks burning. I hate it. 

“We weren’t sure,” Frank confessed, “if you would want to be part of the reunion at all. You guys didn’t leave things on the best of terms. Like...when you see him again, what the hell are you gonna say to him?” 

“I….I don’t know,” you realized. You thought about it for a moment. 

“One thing’s for sure,” you decided. “If My Chemical Romance is having a reunion, you’re sure as hell, not gonna have it without me.” 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You hesitated in the studio doorway, your hand shaking on the door handle. 

Come on, you told yourself. You’ve come all this way. The flight from La Guardia to LAX was seven hours long. You had all that time, to talk yourself out of doing this. But, you’re here now. You’ve decided this is what you want. 

Steeling yourself, you turned the knob, and entered the room. 

He was there, as soon as you walked in. His hair was a natural brown now - not the short blonde it had been, the last time you’d seen him. It had become streaked with grey - but, then again, so had yours. Despite the lines of middle age, that had now begun to crease his face, he was still so, breathtakingly handsome. 

“Hey, Y/N,” Gerard said, his voice melting you like butter. “You look great.”

You didn’t say so do you - even though it was true. 

“H-how you have been?” you asked, trying to hide your shakes. 

“I’ve been well,” Gerard smiled. “How’s Patrick?” 

“We’re divorced,” you said dryly. 

“....Oh,” Gerard gasped. “Oh, fuck, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You would, if you shot me an email, once in a while,” you snapped, remembering that you were supposed to ‘hate’ him. 

“Oh, so my number’s blocked, but an email’s fine with you?” Gerard huffed. “How am I supposed to know that? The telephone works both ways, you know.” 

“Guys!” interrupted the voice of the reason. “Can you not? Please?” 

“Ray!” you gasped, turning to face your frizzy-haired friend. “How are you? It’s so good to see you!” 

“It’s good to see you, too, Y/N,” Ray smiled. “I missed you.” 

“I missed you guys, too,” said another familiar voice, as Mikey entered the room. 

“Hey!” you smiled, walking over to greet him. “How’s the baby doing?”

“She’s beautiful,” Mikey said proudly. “How’s Helena?”

“Little Lena is getting bigger every day,” you smiled. “She’s adorable.” 

“You can compare baby pictures later,” joked another voice. “I’d win that contest, anyway. I have three cuties at home.” 

“Hi, Frank!” Mikey grinned. “How have you been, dude?” 

“Pretty good,” Frank smiled, setting down his guitar case. “Looks like the gang’s all here.”  

You looked around the room, scarcely believing it was true. But, you didn’t have to pinch yourself. It was real- all five members of My Chemical Romance, were together again.

“Are you ready to jam?” Ray grinned. 

“Absolutely,” you said, surprising yourself. 

“What should we play first?” Frank asked, taking his guitar out of its case, and hooking the strap over his shoulder. 

“Good question,” Gerard shrugged, walking over to the microphone stand, and adjusting it to his height. 

“What about ‘Helena’?” Mikey suggested, tuning his bass. 

“Sounds good to me,” you replied. You sat down, behind the drum kit, that the studio space owned. You still had your original kit - with the Danger Days “Exterminate” drum cover - in your basement, back home. 

You picked up your sticks. It had been so long, but holding them in your hands, felt so right, in a way that you couldn’t describe. 

“Ray, you wanna start us off?” Gerard asked. 

“Alright,” Ray nodded. “One, two, three, four…”

He began to play the opening notes, that you knew so well. 

“Long ago,” Gerard crooned, “just like the hearse you, died to get in again…”

Your cymbals joined him - and at just the right time, too. Like muscle memory coming back. 

“We are,” Gerard sang, “so far from you!”

Mikey and Frank’s parts kicked in, and you felt a wave of adrenaline, that hit you so fast, it almost made you miss the beat. 

“Burning on…,” Gerard continued, surprisingly in-key. 

“Just like a match you strike to incineraaaaate!” Ray harmonized, “the lives of everyone you knoooow!”

The two men sounded incredible together, given that the last time they’d performed this song, was 2012. It was like riding a bike, you realized. You guys had played this one together, so many times, that it only took being next to each other, to unlock it all again. 

You felt a wave of nostalgia, as the song continued:

And what's the worst you take (worst you take)

From every heart you break (heart you break)

And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)

Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight

So long not goodnight

“....Fuck, that sounded so good!” Gerard grinned, stopping after the chorus. “I thought we’d be really rusty!” 

“I know, right?” Ray laughed. 

Suddenly, Gerard’s smile faded, as he turned back, and looked at you. “....Y/N?”

“What?” you asked. “I agree, that was decent.” 

“Y/N….you’re crying,” Gerard said softly. 

“Huh?” you blinked. You set your drumstick down, and touched your finger to your eye. It came away wet. 

Fuck, you realized, he’s right. You hadn’t even noticed. Despite the sharp words you’d exchanged, when you walked in the door, playing together, had made your true feelings plain. You had missed this. You had missed this so much. 

“I….I think I need a smoke break,” you stammered, and headed for the door. 

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard called. It sounded just like deja vu. 

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

He found you outside, holding a cigarette in your shaking palm. You could barely see the lighter through your tears. The stupid flame wouldn’t catch. 

“You want me to get that?” Gerard offered. 

“No!” you sniffed. “Just, go away!” 

Ignoring you, Gerard took the lighter from your hand. 

“Here,” he said, and lit the cigarette for you. You took a drag. 

“....You want one?” you offered, awkwardly handing him the pack, as you wiped your eyes. 

“Nah,” Gerard shook his head. “I quit.”

“...Did you really?” you blinked, surprised. 

“Yeah, just this year,” Gerard nodded. “I figured, if we were gonna do this, I wanted to make sure, that my lungs were in good shape.” 

“....How long have you known, that you wanted to come back?” you wondered. 

“Not long,” Gerard confessed. “Honestly, I thought you would say no.”

“To you?” you laughed, bitterly. “Never.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gerard raised an eyebrow. “I thought you can’t stand me, these days.” 

“Gee,” you sighed. “Listen….I never hated you.” 

“Could’ve fooled me.” 

“It wasn’t hate, that kept me away,” you confessed. “It was love.” 

“Love?” Gerard repeated, confused. 

“You broke my heart,” you explained, “when you killed the band.”

“Yeah, all the guys were heartbroken, when I told them it was over,” Gerard acknowledged. 

“No,” you shook your head. “You don’t understand.” 

“Then, explain it to me!” Gerard demanded. “Nobody was happy with me with that day, but you’re the only one who cut off all contact afterwards! And I have spent every day, of the last four years, wondering why!” 

“Because I was in love with you, you idiot!” you cried. 

Gerard gasped, staring at you in shock. 

Fuck, you trembled. I can’t believe I said that out loud. 

“You….wanted to be with me?” Gerard asked, eyes wide. 

“Of course I did,” you said, beginning to cry again. “But, you didn’t even want me as a bandmate anymore - let alone a lover. You didn’t feel a thing - you gave up our life’s work, like it was nothing to you.” 

“Y/N, I was relapsing,” Gerard said softly, staring at his shoes. 

“You….you what?” 

“During the World Contamination Tour,” Gerard admitted, shame-faced. “The stress of being on the road, it was just too much for me. I was seven years sober, and I fell off the wagon. I hated myself for it. But I knew, if we started another album cycle, and went on another tour, after that….I was going to do it again.” 

“That’s why you wanted to quit the band?” you realized. “I never knew….” 

“You never let me explain myself!” Gerard reminded. “You just took off!” 

“B-but, I never noticed you drinking, when we were on tour….” you stammered. 

“I hid it well,” Gerard sighed. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. You thought I was such a great guy….I didn’t want you to see the truth about me.” 

“You are a great guy, Gee,” you assured him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t gotten so angry at you, for making the choice you made, if I had known how badly you were struggling, on the inside….” 

“It was kill the band,” Gerard revealed, “or fall back into the bad habits, that were going to kill me.”

“I….I don’t want you to get killed, Gerard,” you sobbed. “I would never, ever want that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for how I’ve treated you, this whole time….”

“I’m sorry, too,” Gerard said, reaching a gentle hand up, to wipe the tear from your eye. “I’m sorry, that I was so self-absorbed, that I never realized, how you felt about me.”

“I hid that well, too,” you confessed. 

“I would never have wasted the last four years of my life like this,” Gerard sighed, “if I had known, that my feelings were reciprocated.”

“Re…Reciprocated?” you repeated. No….could he mean….?

“After you went back to Jersey,” Gerard bared his soul, “I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And I didn’t know why. By the time I figured it out - by the time I was sober, and mentally stable again, and the type of man you actually deserved - goddamnit, Y/N, you were married to someone else!” 

“I only accepted Patrick’s proposal, because I was pregnant,” you admitted, embarrassed. “And I only slept with him, in the first place, to try and convince myself, that I was capable of wanting, somebody who wasn’t you.” 

“But….you and Patrick split up,” Gerard realized. “Fuck. Y/N. If I had known, that you two weren’t still together….I would have been on a plane to New Jersey, months ago, begging you for another chance.” 

“I don’t want him,” you cried. “I want you, Gerard. I always did. I wished Lena was yours, because the wanting never stopped. I want you still!” 

“Then, be mine, damnit!” Gerard cried, and took you in his arms. He kissed your tear stained face, and your sobbing finally stopped, as his lips crashed into yours. 

He tasted so sweet….everything you’d wanted, and more. It was like a dream come true. 

“The guys are waiting inside,” you reminded, “for us to go back in there, and play some more songs with them.”

“Let then wait,” Gerard shushed you, pulling you in again. “I’ve waited four years for this.” 

He kissed you, and you felt as if you could fly. All was, finally, right with the world again. 

[sinceileftyoublog]

Pearl Charles Interview: A Portal to Yourself

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Like looking into its title object, Pearl Charles’ new album Magic Mirror follows external observations to internal reflection, the journey from feeling the sparkling lights of a city to instead finding something within yourself. Out Friday via Kanine Records, the album has an arc that follows a similar move in Charles’ life, from Los Angeles where she was born to the desert of Joshua Tree. Don’t let the sparkling piano lines of opener “Only For Tonight” fool you--at its heart, Magic Mirror is very much a spacious and cosmically insular album, exploring the infinity of intrinsic motivations buoyed by artistic influences and inspirations. Throughout, Charles doesn’t pretend to know the answers but poses important questions nonetheless: Is having a creative identity really you, or just a persona? Who remembers us after we leave the earthly realm? Is love truly the end-all powerful entity we think it to be? Notably, she stylistically harks back to other pop singers and songwriters who have wondered the same things, from the longing nostalgia of ABBA to the breezy psychedelia of Todd Rundgren. 

Last month, I spoke to Charles over the phone from her new home in Landers where she and hey boyfriend and bandmate Michael Rault have just moved and are starting to build up into a studio. We talked about the different genres Magic Mirror encapsulates, the role weed and psychedelics play in Charles’ creative process, and why she doesn’t sleep on planes. Read the interview, edited for length and clarity, below.

Since I Left You: What about Magic Mirror is unique to you as compared to anything else you’ve released?

Pearl Charles: I think there are a couple specific points that are different. One, I used my band that I use on the road on this record. There were some members of my road band on the last record, but I used a lot of session musicians. I used some session musicians here, too, but overall, I feel like this band was my band for the last record’s tour cycle. We toured really hard on that last record. They really got to know me, and we got to work on the songs before we made a bunch of different demos and practice them live. We got to workshop them and figured out how they worked best. I also got to play them the type of music I love, and we really got to know each other, musically and as friends. Those guys really got me, and this record is very personal. Having those people who spent time with the material also spend time with me really comes across in the record. I feel like we achieved that.

SILY: It’s really stylistically diverse. Did you know going into the writing process the different aesthetics you wanted to explore, or did they come naturally?

PC: A little bit of both. Some of the songs were written really organically, and I didn’t know how they’d end up sounding. But I wrote a few songs with the producer [Lewis Pesacov], and at that point in the cycle, we already had a style that was emerging and revealing itself. So then we could ask, “What don’t we have that we can include, and what’s the theme, so that we can figure out what’s already there and how we can expand on that?” It’s diverse, but it’s music I love. I have diverse taste, and the music reflected that.

SILY: You’ve mentioned ABBA as an influence on the opening track “Only For Tonight”, and I definitely heard that as soon as it started. It’s a pretty bold move for an opening track!

PC: That was the first song we sat down to record, besides “Sweet Sunshine Wine” which was recorded separately to be released as a single last year, which we included on this record because it never got a vinyl release. You start thinking about the record sequence in your mind in the order of when you recorded things. And then you go back and kind of lose that order, a little bit. But since we started with it, it felt like such a big opener. And the story of the record is chronological: It starts out with that side of the story. It made sense to open up with going out on the town and having one-night stands, which turns into the reflection that comes later in the album and the following processes that occur.

SILY: The chronology stands out for sure. For instance, it’s immediately apparent that “Don’t Feel Like Myself” answers the questions and builds off the themes from “Imposter”. Were you trying to have the songs converse with each other?

PC: Not necessarily intentionally from when I was writing them, but I think they do that naturally because that’s what was going on with me in this process. It’s all tied together with my emotions. I’m very autobiographical in my writing, so the songs are definitely about what I’m experiencing. Another thing different from this record to the last record is that while the last record had a little introspection, it was more about what was happening to me in the external world. This album, I kind of focused more about how I was feeling about the things that were happening [in] me.

SILY: “Imposter” poses a key question that seems to be posed throughout the record, one about fostering a creative identity. Do you feel like you’ve done that on Magic Mirror just by presenting your different artistic inspirations?

PC: Yeah! I think so. I think it’s a lifelong pursuit of questioning the self, and the album is one step of that journey, but it is reflective of all of the things I was feeling at the time and the music I was listening to and what I was inspired by and continue to be inspired by, whether that’s music, spirituality, or literature.

SILY: So “Imposter” was written on mushrooms, and the title track has a weed reference. There’s also the line on the title track, “I keep trippin’ into you.” Am I reading into it or is that a double meaning, too?

PC: It’s totally a double meaning. They’re there throughout, and even on my last record, Sleepless Dreamer. That title means a lot of different things. [laughs] Also on “Only For Tonight”, the line “Sparkle fading, strung out on the town / Thought we were falling, we were just coming down.” Yes. You’re not mistaken. Those are all thinly veiled drug references. I mean, hey, I’m a rock ‘n’ roller. What can I say? [laughs] I definitely am a stoner. I smoke a lot of weed and I love psychedelics. They can be so inspiring and therapeutic and good for creativity. And for self-reflection. That’s really what I’m about. That’s why I love writing songs. It’s a great tool for that if you want to use it that way.

SILY: When writing “Slipping Away”, you were high in a different way, on a plane! When you fly, do you tend to reflect? You don’t just fall asleep on the plane?

PC: In this world, there’s so much distraction. Being on the plane, I suppose you can get internet now if you pay for it, and you can choose to be connected, but it’s one of the last experiences where you can disconnect and go into your thoughts without tons of distractions. I also think a lot when I’m driving, and I know I’m actually the one driving the car and have to be focused on that, but it gives me a good opportunity to clear my head. I’m not looking at my phone, and I think that’s so crucial. Patti Smith said something about living in New York and taking the subway, and in that time, she would come up with a lot of her ideas because she’d let her mind wander. We live in a world where letting our mind wander is kind of a rarity. We’ve allowed ourselves to constantly fill the void because looking into the void can be scary. But that’s where the creativity is. It’s a beautiful thing even though it’s overwhelming.

SILY: When you find yourself looking into the void, do you ever have anything on in the background, like music?

PC: It depends. I’m a huge music freak. But if I’m writing, I need to be in my own zone. If I’m sitting back and reflecting, I love listening to music. It’s so emotional for me and can bring up and create all sorts of feelings.

SILY: The back half of the record seems to have a lot of unique arrangements and instrumentation. You mentioned “All The Way” is inspired by Todd Rundgren. The guitars really reminded me of George Harrison. Are you a big Beatles fan?

PC: I’m a super huge solo Beatles fan. I love The Beatles, too, but Wings is one of my favorite bands ever, and I love the George solo stuff. And I love the John solo stuff! And you know what? I even love Ringo’s solo stuff. Sue me, what can I say! I love the Traveling Wilburys, I love it all. I love 70′s sounds, styles, and instrumentation. I also think Todd Rundgren kind of reminds me of Carole King.

SILY: “Take Your Time” seems to be the most vocal-forward track on the record. How do you approach your voice in the mix of these songs in terms of how up front you want it to be?

PC: That’s a really hard decision. I feel like it’s a fine line whether you want to be a part of the band or whether you want to sit up front. I don’t really love to cloak my voice in reverb, because my voice and what I’m saying is the focal point of the songs. But it’s definitely a balance, and it’s more modern to put it more forward.

SILY: I think I can tell why you wanted to close the record with “As Long As You’re Mine”. On the surface, you might read the lyrical formula [“[insert world problem] doesn’t matter as long as you’re mine”] as apathetic, but looking closer, it comes across as “It doesn’t matter” not because these things don’t affect people with varying degrees of severity, but because the power of friendship and love can overcome. Can you talk about that theme and how you’ve come to terms with it?

PC: I wrote that song pre-pandemic, so there was no predicting how much worse things were gonna get. It’s a little tongue-in-cheek. Despite the fact that there are hard times now and in the future. Hopefully there’s some hope and positivity coming forward. “Times are gonna be tough, but we can get through it together,” is the point, but coming at it with a little bit of...what’s the word I’m looking for?

SILY: Facetiousness?

PC: Yeah, exactly. I wrote the song with my producer, who said, “Write a positive song!” and that’s what I came up with. My manager, I remember when we wrote it, I remember there was a fire happening, before all the fires this year, and he was like, “I don’t know, is this gonna offend people?” The whole thing has the potential to offend people if they’re gonna be offended by it, but it’s half a joke and half serious. It’s pointing out the fact that there are a lot of problems in the world that can be fixed, not to make light of them.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album art?

PC: I knew I wanted my friend Dana Trippe to do it. Sydney Costley did the hair and makeup. I found an image I really loved but didn’t know how to get in touch with the artist or license it for the cover. I told Dana the inspiration, that it was a portal with an archway where the outside was a blue sky and clouds and the inside a night sky with a shooting star. The album name came to me in a dream. I led it lead me where it wanted to go. The idea of a magic mirror as a portal to one’s self, through self-reflection or with psychedelics. It really made sense to me, and the image spoke to me, so we went for something cloud-oriented.

SILY: You’ve done some livestreams. How did you adapt these songs to a live performance?

PC: It’s been really hard because of COVID to balance when is safe to play music with people and when isn’t. We all wear masks except for me. It’s hard to translate the album because it’s a layered record. I really like this version of it because we're still able to have a 5-piece band with pedal steel, electric guitar, neon acoustic guitar, and bass and drums. The one thing we’re missing is keys, and the record is a keys-heavy record, but it’s fun to do this cosmic country version of the band that sounds like the Dead. It feels really good to play that rootsy, dirt in your veins kind of stuff in the desert.

SILY: The pedal steel for sure stood out to me on the record because it was juxtaposed with keys in a way you normally don’t hear them together.

PC: I love including it whenever I can. Michael [Rault], my boyfriend, plays guitar, and Catfish [Connor Gallaher], plays steel, including on the record. They’re both great at what they do. Getting to see them is a pleasure.

SILY: Have you thought about doing any socially distant live shows?

PC: I feel a little weird about ticket prices. Music should be accessible, and not only for the people that can afford a private show. It’s a weird time, for sure. I miss playing live and playing new music for people.

SILY: What else is next for you?

PC: I’m gonna do a side project band with my boyfriend, and because the record was finished pre-pandemic, I had the whole pandemic to write a bunch of new material. I’m ready to go with new songs, so hopefully they’ll be coming shortly thereafter.

SILY: What have you been listening to, watching, and reading lately?

PC: I’ve been listening to a lot of Mixcloud playlists. We finally got HBO Max, and it seems like they have a lot of really good content, like true crime, the Heaven’s Gate documentary about that cult. I’m really into cults. I love to go to the library and just returned Journey To The East by Herman Hesse, a book about Fleetwood Mac, which goes through all eras of the band, before Rumours, the Peter Green era, the Bob Welch era. There are so many different incarnations, and they’re all amazing. Fleetwood Mac is one of the best bands of all time, and I like to read rock books. Just keepin’ busy.

[doomedandstoned]

Gandalf The Green Returns with ‘A Billion Faces’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

Hailing from Leeds, England, this is GANDALF THE GREEN. The stoner-doom trio is one of a handful of younger bands comprised of members in their late-teens and early-twenties that have been impressing us lately, joining company with Montana's Wizzerd, Toronto's Horse Lung, Portland's SAOLA and Ape Cave, as well as Witchers Creed from Sweden.

Something interesting I've observed about what I'll dub the Dopesmoker generation is their affinity for large-scale compositions. Horse Lung shot for Bach-like complexity with their fugal composition Rattenkönig and have just released a pair of tracks clocking in at 18 and 28 minutes respectively on 'ἔσ��ατον' (2019). Likewise, Ape Cave released the massive double album, 'Language of the Earth' (2018), with Sleep producer Billy Anderson, who actually invited these kids to come in and record it after hearing their 2016 album Pillars of Evolution.

With Gandalf The Green's latest single, we find them similarly thinking on a grand scale. The near fourteen-minute epic "A Billion Faces" is the foretaste of the glory to come, as the band readies to release their full-length via APF Records this fall. Staged in three interlocking segments, the track is a real trip and holds up well to repeated listens. Execution-wise, Andrew Flint (guitar, vox), Jack Walker (drums, vox), and Danny Wrigley (bass guitar) have never sounded tighter as a unit. Compositionally, the fuzz-trippers show they can achieve balance and depth within a big-picture framework, without betraying flow or nuance. Fans of Slomatics and Conan will surely find this a joy to listen to from start to finish.

I think the band describes it best: "A 13-minute psych-infused stoner doom filth fest. All the tone. All the distortion. Titanic-sized knuckle-dragging gnarly riffs amped into pure oblivion through a Matamp rig of doom. We are excited for you to hear it." Look for "A Billion Faces" out Thursday, March 28th, as a digital download via APF Records, with artwork by Dominic Sohor Design.

Give ear...

An Interview with

    Gandalf The Green

For those new to Gandalf The Green, tell us about how you formed and your history.

It started with Andy writing a bedroom demo for 'The Right' in 2015, we'd previously been in a deathcore band together (we know, we were 16, cut us some slack) and knew we all liked slow and heavy music, so got in touch and we started rehearsing with ghetto equipment in Andy's bedroom in Huddersfield. The name came from a friend who'd just bought a Gandalf style pipe and we found the pun hilarious for a Stoner Doom band, so we used it. We released our Debut EP 'King of the Ashes' in September 2016 as a 4-piece band with two guitarists, though soon after we split with our drummer and put Jack behind the kit as a trio. After that things began moving properly. Since then, we've been gigging more, collecting more equipment, and worsening our tinnitus by turning up louder. In the last year or so we've finally started getting proper slots on festivals and local gigs, though we're still yet to play a headline show!

What music has influenced your sound, and who are your musical heroes?

Our philosophy is that we want to play stupidly low-tuned, crushingly heavy music, but not in a way that sounds too evil or miserable, then combine that with trippy, ambient cleans for a huge dynamic change. Someone once put it eloquently as 'The brutality of Mordor with the serenity of the Shire.'

From a writing perspective, our main influences are Conan, Sleep, YOB and Elephant Tree. Though with all the spacey ambient bits it's quite difficult to pin exactly where a lot of that comes from, mainly just going a bit nuts with effects and seeing what comes out.

AF: My musical idol is forever Dave Grohl, even if this band doesn't sound much like his stuff. My favourite guitar players are the ones for the bands listed, plus Tony Iommi, of course.

JW: We all listen to very varied stuff, so there’s all sorts, but for this genre my influences are, Yob, The Body, Elephant Tree, Khanate, Om, Weedeater, Windhand, BongCauldron. Musical heroes? Fenriz, Willie Nelson, Hank Williams III, Mike Scheidt.

DW: My influences change around a lot but probably The Body, Sleep, Conan, Thou and Full of Hell. As for heroes the first that comes to mind is Jordan Dreyer.

What’s been your favourite gig to play so far?

AF: I'd say Gizzardfest 2018 as it was our largest crowd, but one of my amps blew up during sound check so I was a bit miffed. Other than that, the Holy Spider Promotions show Terence Larkin booked at the Mulberry Tavern in Sheffield last year was brilliant. A tiny, sweaty venue crammed with people who were really digging the music.

JW: Yeah Gizzardfest was really cool, but for me I'd say that Sheffield gig, it was Mulberry Tavern with Khost, Oak, Ritual King, Regulus and Stonelung. When we went onstage the venue was rammed so the atmosphere was great for us, it WAS proper sweaty but that's the best way.

DW: Got to agree with Gizzardfest I was amazed by the amount of people there and the reception we got cancelled out the problems by a long shot for me.

King of the Ashes by Gandalf the Green

How do you look back on your 'King of the Ashes' EP two and a half years on?

We recorded it for £0 in Andy's bedroom with whatever mics we had on hand and did the drums with some University students. Other than 'The One Ring', it's not very representative of our sound these days though, as we were finding our feet and trying lots of writing styles, with speedier Stoner Rock tracks like 'King of the Ashes' and 'The Right', which we don't really play these days.

It's fun to see how the tracks have evolved for our live performances though, 'The One Ring' now screams with feedback, has reverb swells and washed out cleans, while 'Old Toby' has a massively slowed down outro riff and stereo panning oscillating delay at the beginning. If you enjoy the debut, definitely come check us out live to see how it's evolved.

AF: I'm still pretty happy with it and loved the super DIY bedroom recording. I felt the production quality came out great, given the circumstances. Seeing how I’ve changed my vocal style and tuned my guitar down so much lower makes comparing the new and old material interesting.

JW: I have a lot of fond memories from that time writing and recording, but since we were so new to it all it doesn't quite have as good sound quality as I'd like. It's alright, but we've grown as a band and the stuff we're writing now has a way more unique sound and is better in every way I can think of.

DW: I still listen to it a fair bit honestly. I think it still holds up, but I'm excited to start showing how we've developed over the past few years and how we come across out of a bedroom. What music are you digging right now?

AF: Right now I'm on a massive hype for the gnarliest, darkest stuff I can find, such as Grey Widow, Coltsblood, Ommadon, Bismuth, and Glasghote, and I imagine these bands are going to work into my writing style for our next release.

JW: I listen to a shit load of country, like every day, maybe even more than I listen to metal. Artists like Benjamin Tod, Willie Nelson, Hank Williams III, Jesse Stewart, Crywank, The Native Howl, etcetera. But for this genre the stuff on rotation right now is bands like Windhand, Grime, The Body, Yob, Bell Witch, Ommadon, Bismuth, Sloth Hammer, Primitive Man, Elephant Tree, Goblinsmoker, Tuskar.

DW: I've been binging on grindcore and hardcore recently, a lot of Full of Hell and Wormrot on repeat. Other than that the new Body Void EP has been blowing me away every time I listen.

You’ve recently signed with APF Records. Which bands on the label do you share an affinity with?

AF: The reason we approached APF to begin with is because we love so many bands on the roster, it's hard to pick out a few! Personally, I'd say BongCauldron, Battalions, and Under, though there really isn't a bad band on APF.

JW: BongCauldron, since they were the main influence on me (and I think the others too) when starting this band. They were one of the first bands to help me get into this kind of music, since I found them when Andy's old band supported them in Bad Apples years ago and through that found more doom/stoner bands.

DW: Yes, BongCauldron, for pretty obvious reasons. Also I've been listening to Under- Stop Being Naive a lot since seeing them at Gizzardfest they've got such a unique and crushing sound.

photo by aevjohnston

Tell us about "A Billion Faces" -- what’s it about, and how did the track come together?

AF: It was the first track I wrote after we tuned down to drop F and bought a bunch of new effects, so I was really playing with all the new toys and trying to make something with a big dynamic change from the gentle intro to when it kicks in. We've been performing it live for a while, so the song's evolved over time to include the sexy wah solo and, because Jack and Danny love noise music, we added the noise/screaming section in the outro. The original demo was only 9 minutes compared to the final 13!

We were approached by a friend of a friend (Alex Tune, assisted by Jake Bonnett) who needed a band to record for his University coursework, it seemed mutually beneficial, and we'd get to record in the gorgeous Phipps Hall and borrow a bunch of Huddersfield Uni's Matamp equipment for free to use with ours, so we took him up on it. We live recorded the track in December 2018 and mixed and mastered the track ourselves, so again got away with paying £0 for the release. It sounded lovely in the room, but we really didn't expect the final product to sound quite as good as it did. Lyrically, the track is about parallel universes and how, if they exist, every different possible version of you exists somewhere in a big infinite tree of possible yous, experiencing the best and worst things all at once. I was wondering where I'd be if I'd taken a different turn in life and moved to a different city, and I realised that there'd be a version of me in a parallel universe where I did move there, wondering right now where he'd be if he took the turns I did. We're both thinking about each other amongst a billion different versions of ourselves, but unable to know who the other is and what their life is like.

The song comes with a cracking video. How did that come about?

A friend of the band, and vocalist/guitarist in Andy's other band, Andrew Johnston (he uses the moniker 'AEVJohnston' for music) offered to help. We thought it'd be a crime to not get video footage of us performing in such a beautiful venue, so he came along free of charge, brought his fancy lighting rig, bathed the room in green light, rented a couple of cameras from the University, and filmed us while we recorded. We edited the footage ourselves cut from various different takes we did. Again, we paid nothing for the video because we're cheap (do you see a theme?).

JW: Shout out Johnston for being a sick bloke, nice one mate it turned it really well, thank you. Sadly though, I don't think the video shows just how beautiful that room really was. Like the video is great, don't get me wrong, but actually being stood in that room with that lighting rig made it look gorgeous. Such a great atmosphere for it. Again, cheers Johnston, that was a huge help, I think the video of it really brings this release together.

What’s your plans for the rest of 2019?

We're working on our next release, of which we have over half an hour written already. Andy is busy with University, and the other two of us with real life things. Put simply, in 2019 we want to push to play more gigs and write more music. Hopefully we'll have another release done or out by the end of the year. We're aiming not to fuck about as much for it as we did for this one, because it took a long time to get going.

If your house was on fire and you could grab one thing from it before it burned down, what would that be?

AF: My Green Matamp GT1 amplifier, it's like my child.

JW: My bong, it's like my child.

DW: My cat, it's like my child.

Finally: anything to declare?

JW: Yeah, we just want to say how much we appreciate everything that's happened to us since finishing the single. We love every one of you who's checked us out or gave us a chance. Big shout out and lots of love to Andrew Field for signing us to APF, to every promoter for putting us on and every one of you for listening. It means the world to us, thank you.

AF: We also love all the sound guys who keep telling us to turn down on stage, even if you don’t love us.

☮

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[thesinglesjukebox]

CHARLI XCX FT. CARLY RAE JEPSEN - BACKSEAT [6.57] Charli, Carly Rae and PC Music? Nah, that's not really in our wheelhouse.

Ryo Miyauchi: The humming synths and the ghost harmonies of "all alone" resemble the static heard when the radio dial is adjusted perfectly to pick up a feed from two FM channels. Both broadcasts play independent from another, each scene unique to the singer who sings them: Charli's escape from hell via partying turns self-destructive while Carly Rae Jepsen's LA hallucination finds two cold souls together in bed. And just when the two stories see eye to eye, this metallic black hole of a noise swallows them whole. [6]

Austin Brown: It's a never-ending source of fascination for me to watch artists like Charli and Carly navigate the pop industry, invested in the artistic potential of transcendent escapism but resistant (to varying degrees) to its dominant tropes and business practices. Lines on "Backseat" like Charli's "I want it all, even if it's fake" and Carly's "I got a thirst for distraction I can't take back" are declarative to this effect, as is the mushmouth muttered repetition of "all alone" in the chorus. In opening the Pop 2 mixtape, it serves as a mission statement of sorts for Charli. "Backseat" isn't nearly as confrontational as Vroom Vroom, which eschewed melody entirely at points and suffered as a result, but it's not full-on bubblegum either, warping Charli's voice and discovering decay and regret in its more grating corners. One point off for letting Carly show her up in the lyrics department, but it's not like she had a choice in that matter. [7]

Anthony Easton: That this starts and ends with melodic noise, and that the subtle metal grinding throughout the rest of the track keeps asking the questions: how do we make pop, nad what does the form of pop mean now, outside of the populist? It's a lonely, almost toxic song, and that it is written and performed by two great pop performers who (with the exception of one or two singles) do not sell well, makes it a fascinating example of formalist expansion, a kind of pop for pop's sake, which would all seem so academic, if it wasn't so fantastic to listen to. [9]

Alfred Soto: They belong together: figures who inhabit pop, approximate stars, scoring the occasional hit. The haze through which this song emerges has the texture of L.A., its smog and the way pop stars, approximate and otherwise, create cogs in the machinery. Because they hesitate about going for the jugular, "Backseat" takes a back seat to even itself. This is why Carly Rae Jepsen and Charli XCX remain approximate pop stars. [6]

Eleanor Graham: In How To Be A Woman, Caitlin Moran describes "How Soon Is Now" as the sound of The Smiths "speeding past us, light-decked and vast, like the Millennium Falcon." "Backseat" is the daughter and heir of that big, spacey nothing-in-particular. Against the synthy void, light bounces off the industrial clanks and screeches, like a city collapsing in slow motion. The opening lines speak to the cinematic kind of glamour that acknowledges its own hollowness but revels in itself anyway, for a lack of anything else. The parties with strangers won't help you figure it out, but you can look out the window in the backseat and imagine that the neon lights are falling on your face in exactly the way you want them to, imagine yourself as violet-coloured and monumental and extra-planetary as the chorus. [7]

Leah Isobel: Given the overlap in Charli and Carly's audiences and their similar places in the modern pop pantheon, it makes demographic sense that they'd collaborate eventually, though sonically their music isn't all that similar; Charli is all neon-bright pop hook, while Carly is more of a singer-songwriter type. "Backseat" does an admirable job of blending their separate worlds into one as Charli integrates fully into her femmebot act and Carly tugs on the high notes with so much, um, emotion that she runs away with the song, at least until the final third explodes the whole thing in a haze of electronic shrapnel. The secret overlap that makes this all work is that both singers have an intimate knowledge of pop-as-machine, if from different angles. They sing to each other from across an impossible divide, the cyber girl and the real girl, able to comfort each other but not to heal. Pop 2 has bigger and better pop songs, but none sketch out the album's psychodrama quite as thoroughly as this one. [7]

Maxwell Cavaseno: Charli XCX's fans insist that her brand of pop does more than the pop she constantly proves she's incapable of writing consistently -- not because she hasn't tried, but because frankly people who aren't captivated by the thought of Charli XCX don't care. The same could apply to Carly Rae Jepsen, the apparent genius of the straight ahead anthem who can't manage to convince so-called 'stupid normies' she's even made a song since "Call Me Maybe." "Backseat" sounds as uncomfortably unabashed as people who cannot separate their philias from their feelings, as the duo rapturously claw at the neon and chrome slidings like half-magpie half-harpies sounding less like a song and more like jarringly reductive fetish art for so many who've singed their corneas by refreshing their Tumblrs a few too many times, and maybe that's the point. Maybe this is the fitting result for the hyperconnectivity of the 'alt-pop' stars who can't succeed at bridging past the voracious net addicts who enshrine them as stars before they actually soar; their relationship becomes a specific kind of fan-service as tether, and in their desperate symbiosis do their damnedest to ensure that this isn't just fantasy, but that it really matters. [1]

Will Rivitz: A word to the wise: if a song is to arrive at a triumphant moment of climax most of the way through, it needs to merit that high. That is precisely what "Backseat" does, smokily snaking through neon rubble until it soars into the sky with its gorgeous trapdoor bass while the voices of Charli and Carly diffuse into the ether. It's the most gorgeous pop song in a very long while, and it grows and glows so perfectly that every moment feels earned. [9]

Sonia Yang: This is a perfect marriage of my perception of each of their thematic tropes; Jepsen's dreamy pining undercut by Charli's wryness. Even the music seems to echo this: smooth 80s-inspired production characteristic of the former's songs marred just the right amount by darker, more dissonant synths from the latter's work, almost in conjunction with when each vocalist makes her entrance. The true beauty is how distinct their voices sound even under layers of autotune; Jepsen floats and flutters while Charli errs sharp and sardonic. "Backseat" sparkles but isn't saccharine, it's melancholy but not weighty. And like a fever dream, it ends almost as quickly as it began. [8]

Katherine St Asaph: Charli ft. Carly, singing about love and, better yet, the solipsistic swooning of getting lost in songs in cars at night alone -- music-geek fanfic of such a high degree I'm shocked it wasn't previously an Archive Of Our Own category. A. G. Cook still can't quite shake the bratty/saccharine dichotomy through which PC Music tends to cast its singers, but "Backseat" is about as well-executed as it gets. It helps that Charli and Carly push their respective roles into the uncanny -- the former's voice has seldom been so robotically narcotized, the latter approaches Nicola Hitchcock levels of vocal shiver. Extra point for playing their respective accents on "half" off each other; I kinda hope it wasn't planned. [9]

Stephen Eisermann: This is the most compelling I've ever found Carly and it's on a track she's only featured on! The production does wonders for her normally nasally tone and the ethereal production and blend of these two lovely voices is entrancing. The lyrics touch on lost love and a wanting for more, nothing too out of ordinary for either artist, but here it feels especially poignant -- probably due to the production. Plus, the addition of the synths and sparkles towards the end of the song are perfect -- if one could ever turn Carly and Charli's voices into sound effects, it would be that starry/sparkly sound. It's all so... magical. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: PC Music-minded catharsis wherein processed vocals and attention-seeking production turn the humanness of the song into something uncanny, revealing something even more human about our desire to escape a reality that overwhelms us. "Backseat" reaches that blissful headspace in its final chaotic stretch, but it renders the rest of the song a slog in comparison. Even so, Carly's vocals are too clean and (ineffectively) awkward for the track, distracting too much from achieving the same goals that define easyFun and A.G. Cook's other tracks. "I want it all, even if it's fake" sings Charli. I do too, but I'm not convinced they believe it. They're in the back seat... shouldn't they be taking the wheel? [4]

Will Adams: I've made peace with the fact that Charli seemingly has no interest in making an actual album in favor of mixtapes that pour on the feature credits for maximum OMG (hi Carly). But I still can't get past my recent revelation that her current aesthetic is really not far from that of her early mixtapes, only sullied by the PC Music touch: Auto-Tune purée, flat synths and hokey car screeches. [5]

Joshua Copperman: Charli's music leaking (down to her unfinished demos) has become something of an in-joke on Reddit and other sites. If someone told me this was one of the demos, I would believe them. There are some stirring melodies and some nice ear candy moments, but it sounds like AG Cook and co. put so much time into the vocals that they forgot to flesh out the backing track. As a result, not much elevates this above Charli's previous kiss-offs (or Carly's kiss offs.) The biggest letdown is the breakdown at 3:15; there was nothing to actually strip back in the first place, and the synth arpeggio feels like it was obtained from a P.C. Music Synth Presets folder. "Backseat" is still good enough, but frustrating in how close it is to being great. [6]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ that’s right, i’m a coward.

date: march 2020, the morning after showing youngjoo woo ah.

location: ash’s apartment

word count: 1,825 words, not including lyrics.

summary: n/a.

triggers: self-hate and fleeting mentions of vomiting and alcohol as recollections, but that’s about it.

notes: creative claims verification. mentions of youngjoo.

he wakes somewhere in the void of time, throat burning and face damp from the spray of the still-running shower that has now turned icy, and the acidic taste of humiliation on his tongue.

(later, the sound of the running shower lingers in his mind until there’s no way out but to lay it into a track. it will be a peephole into his own psyche only he’ll truly understand. there’s no way he’ll be telling anyone how dark he’d gotten the night before, pushed over the edge by one too many cups of his most loyal friend.)

time ticks by as ash wallows on the stone cold coating on top of the rock bottom he’s hit before he finds the last ounce of power lingering in his muscles to sit up.

it’s ultra slow motion that ash crawls into the freezing waterfall of the shower and cleanses himself, but it happens, and by some miracle, he ends in his kitchen with fresh clothes and dark bags under his eyes to find that he’d abandoned his cellphone on the kitchen island the night before, an unsent text still hanging precariously unsent under the red-letter heading of ‘joo 🌹’:

you have no idea how much i care.

ash considers the words for a moment, anxiety building in his stomach as his finger hovers over that treacherous blue arrow.

sense floods him and he clears the message box, typing out a replacement instead: sorry about last night, before he deletes that too and leaves the conversation, only to find his inbox flooded with messages from his manager.

he was supposed to meet up with him this morning to go over his upcoming promotion schedules. it’s now a full hour after they were supposed to meet and ash is just surprised he hadn’t been woken up by the man banging down his door one minute past their designated meeting time. tolerance for wavering punctuality isn’t one of his manager’s more prominent traits, but it only really becomes a problem on mornings like this

rough night. i overslept. i’m sorry. can we do this tomorrow morning before i go in to rehearse with the dancers?

the reply comes almost instantaneously.

you need to stop with the rough nights. you said you were holding off on the drinking when you have schedules.

ash’s throat closes up and he has half a mind to try to send his phone down the garbage disposal like he’d seen in a movie once. it’s nothing short of embarrassing that he’s being called out as clear as day. has his decay become so predictable?

it’s not that!

the man doth protest too much.

i’ve got a song in the works. i’ll send a demo in tomorrow to prove it! this won’t happen again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

he hadn’t been lying. not entirely.

call him a masochist, but he’d knows he needs to write as soon as he has enough distance from the hard, cold rock bottom he’d hit to reflect on it without his mind crumbling apart.

it’s a letter to her he never intends to send, but that he wishes he would so it could be the apology she deserves from him. writing it, he doesn’t know if he ever intends anyone else to hear it either. writing has become work now. work he enjoys, but work nonetheless, and the thought of writing something without the goal of it having worth in the form of a release is one his entire body rejects, so he doesn’t think about it. instead of thinking, he writes because thought only gets in the way.

he starts it out like a letter on notebook paper, her name at the top as if she’ll ever see it. it won’t add anything to the song. it won’t even make it into the lyrics, but it’s what he needs in the moment and he gifts himself the small indulgence of feeling like he’s writing something worth reading. it’s selfish catharsis to do so, and he doesn’t want to remind himself that he can’t ever name her so forwardly in his lyrics. lying by omission is the bread and butter of idoldom and that is a truth he’d long ago accepted, but he has been regressing lately. this is yet another way he’s moved backwards.

you have no idea how much i care.

the unsent words are the first he writes down after addressing the letter to her. the afterimage of the letters typed out on his phone screen are imprinted in his wrinkles of his brain and writing them down might be the only way to wipe away the stain.

i keep getting smaller and smaller compared to you who is getting bigger i want to hide somewhere when i see myself but i have to endure it so that you won’t know

he doesn’t know how to explain to her the weakness within himself that he’s so afraid of letting her see, but he tries, in this letter she’ll never read. in this confession he’ll never make.

i realized that it’s not the fact that my heart isn’t going the way i want it to...

despite what ash may have convinced himself when he’d let his stupid idealism peak through writing that stupid song, what he feels for her isn’t love. as much as love is a feeling, it’s also an act and they aren’t in the act of love. won’t be ever again. can’t be. he could love her again, the feeling, if he let himself. falling would be as easy as the first time if he was willing to take the first step off the cliff, but instead he’s tied knot after knot in the rope around his waist so that he can venture off the edge with the safety net of being able to come back where he started.

it hasn’t even crawled up his throat to his tongue, but the word love leaves a bittersweet taste in his mouth and he mourns the days love had been the most pure thing in his body.

...the fact that it never goes my way it’s difficult laughing it off like it’s nothing more and more

the act of love would be letting himself fall and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever give himself the freedom to feel the wind in his face again. it’s arrogance to take the dive when he knows it only ends with his face scarred from meeting the rough pavement at the bottom. he’s already felt the sting of what lies at the bottom of the ravine he and youngjoo’s peaks can create and there’d been no pleasure in the head injury such an impact caused.

so he wants nothing more than what they have.

so they are nothing more than what they have.

i softly bring my head down to hide from your expressions the shadow of you that i can slightly see secretly overlaps my shadow it won’t work out, it won’t work out

he’s a messy landfill of a man. he’d never wanted her to see him torn about and rummaged through by his own despair. there’s no path forward for them from where they stand. they’ve hit the end of the trail, as far as they can go, and it’s only man’s arrogance that makes him think he can pave forward through the thick trees ahead. it’s for her sake, he swears, not his own, that he keeps his distance even when he’s so close to bleeding out on the floor in front of her.

but it is for his sake and no amount of throwing his stomach up or drowning his sorrows in alcohol can make him less aware of that when the hangover sets in. his head pounds with the aftermath of the night before and the self-awareness of his own cowardice.

i’m fine, just watch me from far away even if you just look at me like that and your chest is overflowing don’t tell me anything like that

he doesn’t want to know if she feels the way he does, if mornings with her in his arms feel as right for her as for him. like comfort, like safety, like the dawn of so much time ahead of them instead of the months they’ve left behind. 

yeah, that’s right, i’m a coward i’m not thinking about how to enter your heart no, actually, i can’t do that

at the end of it all, what is he but a hopeless coward?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the track itself is simple.

he already has the guitar sample laid down with some effects on it. at the time, he’d abandoned it because the feeling hadn’t been right for anything he was writing despite how quickly he’d fallen for the shimmering chords, but now he hears a sadness to the notes he hadn’t heard before. he ponders the turn for dramatic irony he’s taken, to find renewed interest in a draft he’d once been so taken by but had left in the recesses of his files (his memory) because it hadn’t been right at the time. isn’t it funny, the artist being expressed no longer in his art, but, as if the universe is cruelly mocking him, in the creation of the art itself?

the only indication of the time passing is the four little numbers in the corner of his computer screen, but as day bleeds into night, he forgets the sting of how low he’d gotten last night. instead, he fixates on the moment right before he’d fallen off the cliff.

there’s no advice sought out from anyone as he works. three of his producer friends text him, but by the third time his phone lights up, he sets it to airplane mode and tosses it onto the couch on the other side of the studio.

the couch. it hits him again like a flashback, the hesitation he’d felt sitting on the couch before she’d arrived, wondering if it was wise to show her the song, if he could get away with saying he’d only been able to write it because of her, if she’d run the second he stepped over the invisible laser line between what they are and what they could be that he’s still aimlessly throwing sand in the direction of, simultaneously too eager and too afraid to find out where it is.

he bottles that feeling in his mind and heats and cools it until it reshapes into sliding synths and notes ascending up the keyboard on the right only to plunk back down on the right. it’s more about the atmosphere than it is about the musicality and ash doesn’t have to stop and remind himself that that’s okay because he can’t imagine it any other way. instead of a composition mapped out on the lines of a staff, it’s a soundscape in the form of a dark, wide horizon and each element is placed on a different plane of the expanse until constellations are formed.

recording it comes almost as thoughtlessly as writing it does. there’s no overthinking about delivery or new techniques to integrate and it only takes a few takes for him to nail down the demo vocals.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

when he returns to the song in two months’ time to lay down the final vocals, he finds time has made it harder. how does one connect themselves in the same way to a moment they’d once been in that they now know they need to move on from?

he sings take after take into the microphone and it’s like there’s a fishing line tugging at the core of him, unable to bring its catch to the surface now that the bait’s been cast out. but the catch is still there, under the water, still an easy victim to that wriggling worm.

his cowardice isn’t gone, and the way the steady beat of the song syncs with the beating inside his chest reminds him of that.

[nuclearblastuk]

Anthrax, Paradise Lost, Enslaved, Sepultura, Overkill And More Celebrate 30 Years of Nuclear Blast!

'30 YEARS OF NUCLEAR BLAST - THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION' - OUT NOW

It's time to celebrate! To coincide with the label’s 30th anniversary, Nuclear Blast have released 7 vinyl albums in a premium box and a CD/DVD box set featuring classic cuts from NIGHTWISH, SABATON, DIMMU BORGIR, BLIND GUARDIAN, SLAYER, ACCEPT, KREATOR, AVANTASIA, PARADISE LOST, SEPULTURA, ENSLAVED, IN FLAMES, ANTHRAX, BLUES PILLS and many more. You will find timeless anthems, current neck breakers and epic hymns in this journey through 3 decades of the label's history. Some of our bands are helping us celebrate by telling us about their favourite NB releases. Watch the video featuring some of these quotes, here: https://youtu.be/v26QcoUU8jg Order '30 Years Of Nuclear Blast - The Ultimate Collection': Limited Edition Green Vinyl box set:  http://bit.ly/NuclearBlast30th Limited Edition CD/DVD box set:  http://bit.ly/NB30thCDDVD​ Speaking about the label's anniversary, ANTHRAX stalwart Scott Ian commented: "Nuclear Blast's 30th! Wow. Thirty years of supporting this music through thick and thin. I'm proud to say that Anthrax and Nuclear Blast have been working together for almost eighteen years now. That's by far the longest we have ever worked with any label. It's rare in the music biz to have such a successful marriage, and much like with a real marriage, both partners have to remember why they got married in the first place. That initial spark that lit the flame that turned into a raging inferno. For me that initial spark was Markus Staiger's love for metal - how big of a fan he was/is. That's why I wanted to work with Nuclear Blast, because I believed Markus loved Anthrax. And all these years later he still does. Thank you to everyone that's kicked ass for us over the last almost two decades and it's an honor to be a part of this 30th anniversary celebration." Speaking about their favourite NB releases: “Behemoth, gave a new slant on the death / black metal scene, a very convincing heavy album and probably the first extreme album I've managed to listen to all the way through from start to finish in a very long time!” - Nick Holmes from PARADISE LOST discusses ‘The Satanist’ by BEHEMOTH "My favourite Nuclear Blast release is “ObZen” by Meshuggah. Like those stars packing unbelievable amounts of matter compared to their size, this album just contains way too much raw, masculine energy compared to what should be possible just in “music”. Also fascinating is the constructive nature of the music on this album (masculine energy tends to be that); this is music for building and preserving. While screaming your lungs out, that is. The piece de resistance itself is “Bleed”; a song that needs to go down in music history as the definition of “powerful music”. They say using music with your workout increases intensity by 15%, but then you haven’t tried with “Bleed” blasting, have you? I’d say 115% easily. A dangerous album in the wrong hands. I love it!" - Ivar Bjørnson, ENSLAVED “Kreator have always been one of my favourite bands, the real deal, period. Not to mention my German cousins. Phantom Anitchrist, released in 2012 forged not only the past with the present but that of what would come. I am UNITED IN HATE!” - Bobby ‘Blitz’ Ellsworth, OVERKILL "I really like the Sylosis album Monolith, which came out a few years ago. It has such wonderful dark atmospheres in the slower sections in contrast to the power that follows. Not a bad guitar player either. Now I am looking forward to hearing Nuclear Blast albums for the mighty My Dying Bride too in that kind of style!" - Karl Groom, THRESHOLD "We met Peter Tätgtren the first time on a German festival and he convinced us with his euphoric enthusiasm to produce our comeback album ‘All Hell Breaks Lose“ in 1999/2000. Since then we became close friends and I became a big fan of his work. THE ARRIVAL is the best sounding HYPOCRISY records for me as a musician. I know many fans love the older and more raw albums but this one sounds as massive as a steamroller. It is a role model and shows that Death Metal can also sound brutal when it is nicely produced. Also the song ERASER is a Death Metal Anthem ‘par excellence’ - for me one of the best and  the most catchy songs Peter has ever written for HYPO. I also remember well how excited he was when the album was mixed, like a little kid in the candy store. This excitement is an important part of success - it was a big step forward for him as a producer and songwriter. Out of all Swedish Death Metal this is still my favourite record till now!" - Schmier, DESTRUCTION & PÄNZER "Well since it’s obviously not the easiest of all things picking a favourite out of all Nuclear Blast releases, but 'The Living Infinite’ became an instant personal classic for me from the day i picked it up. I’m a big fan of swedish melo dm bands in general but the diversity of this mean beast holds a special place for me. Of course it has the super fast and punchy stuff on it but at the same time there’s this melancholic feel to the songs that holds it all together so well, being a double album. Just listen to the opener and closing track from disc one. It’s typical for the genre of course but they forge those elements together so well here and haunt you with those melodies that you can’t get out of your head. And then when you think you know the deal they jump at you with an almost rock n rollish riff like in 'Long Live the Misanthrope’, it’s so cool! I just rediscovered it lately and it hasn’t lost on bit of intensity!" - Jonas Wolf, ELUVEITIE “I would have to pick one of your old school releases, Dismember's "Like an Ever flowing Stream".  A great album that truly represented the early Swedish Death Metal scene.  Dismember was a band that we were in touch with in the late 1980's.  I was pen pals with Fred Estby back then, so we were trading Immolation demos and shirts for Dismember 's demos and shirts.  We were huge fans and friends and actually got to meet them back in those early demo days when we visited Sweden back in 1989.” - Ross Dolan, IMMOLATION “One of my favourites NB releases is the Death album The Sound of Perseverance. It’s the last Death album and is the best work from Chuck Schuldiner as a composer, the guitar work is phenomenal and to this day it sounds very actual, very modern. It is an album that showed a new exciting way to heavy music, truly a classic.” - Andreas Kisser, SEPULTURA “There really is no doubt that Soilwork’s 'Stabbing the Drama' has become the most important Nuclear Blast release to me. That album basically gave me the taste for the heavy metal genre and the albums that followed ended up being one of my biggest musical influences to this day. Being an actual member of this band 12 years after is beyond anything I ever imagined and an accomplishment that I'm truly proud of.  I’m still amazed by the level of musical content that Nuclear Blast puts out.” - Bastian Thusgaard, SOILWORK “It’s hard to choose your favourite NB release over the last 30 years but mine would have to be Dark Passion Play by Nightwish - and it is a serious contender for my favourite album of all time. I cannot begin to explain the journey that this musical masterpiece takes me on at every listen. The power, the melody, the anger, the beauty, it just engages my every sense, pure genius. It was this album that got me into this amazing band and showed me just what I had been missing. So, thank you Nightwish for Dark Passion Play! And thank you Nuclear Blast for 30 years of amazing music!!” - Glynn Morgan, THRESHOLD Nuclear Blast 30 Years box set Trailer:  https://youtu.be/T41chwbtKZs

Nuclear Blast 30 Years anniversary Vinyl box

LP 1 Side A 01. Dimmu Borgir – Mourning Palace 02. Hypocrisy – Roswell 47 03. Children Of Bodom - Morrigan 04. Behemoth – Ov Fire And The Void 05. Immortal - Hordes To War 06. Benediction - The Grotesque Side B 01. Carcass - Unfit For Human Consumption 02. Kataklysm - In Shadows & Dust 03. Memoriam - Memoriam 04. Soilwork - As We Speak 05. Cradle Of Filth - Blackest Magick In Practice 06. Equilibrium - Born To Be Epic   LP 2 Side A 01. Slayer - Repentless 02. Lamb Of God - Still Echoes 03. Testament - More Than Meets The Eye 04. Overkill - Ironbound 05. Exodus - Salt The Wound 06. Death Angel - Sonic Beatdown Side B 01. Kreator - Gods Of Violence 02. Anthrax - For All Kings 03. Machine Head - Killers & Kings 04. Destruction - Thrash Till Death 05. Tankard - A Girl Called Cerveza 06. Die Apokalyptischen Reiter - Unter Der Asche   LP 3 Side A 01. Accept - Teutonic Terror 02. Blind Guardian - Fly 03. Helloween - Lost In America 04. Primal Fear - Seven Seals 05. Threshold - Staring At The Sun 06. Rage - The Devil Strikes Again Side B 01. Sabaton - To Hell And Back 02. Edguy - Superheroes 03. Battle Beast - Over The Top 04. Metal Church - Killing Your Time 05. Doro - Raise Your Fist In The Air 06. Black Star Riders - Heavy Fire 07. Hammerfall - Hearts On Fire   LP 4 Side A 01. Nightwish - Élan 02. Avantasia - Mystery Of A Blood Red Rose 03. Amorphis - Silver Bride 04. Eluveitie - Omnos 05. Sonata Arctica - The Wolves Die Young 06. Luca Turilli’s Rhapsody - Rosenkreuz Side B 01. Therion - To Mega Therion 02. Epica - Never Enough 03. Twilight Force - Powerwind 04. Symphony X - Without You 05. The Kovenant - New World Order LP 5 Side A 01. In Flames - The End 02. Fear Factory - Dielectric 03. Pain - Call Me 04. Devil You Know - Shattered Silence 05. Mantar - Era Borealis 06. Grand Magus - Triumph And Power Side B 01. Meshuggah - Future Breed Machine 02. Hatebreed - Honor Never Dies 03. Sepultura - I Am The Enemy 04. Killer Be Killed - Wings Of Feather And Wax 05. Discharge - Infected 06. Agnostic Front - The American Dream Died 07. Soulfly - We Sold Our Souls To Metal 08. Madball - Hardcore Lives 09. Rise Of The Northstar - Samurai Spirit LP 6 Side A 01. Blues Pills - Lady In Gold 02. Kadavar - Last Living Dinosaur 03. Witchcraft - It’s Not Because Of You 04. Graveyard - The Apple & The Tree 05. Crobot - Legend Of the Spaceborne Killer 06. Orchid - Wizard Of War 07.Scorpion Child - Polygon Of Eyes Side B 01. Opeth - Sorceress 02. Enslaved - One Thousand Years Of Pain 03. Avatarium - The Girl With The Raven Mask 04. The Doomsday Kingdom - Never Machine LP 7 Side A 01. Suicide Silence - Doris 02. The Charm The Fury - Down On The Ropes 03. Forever Still - Miss Madness 04. Fallujah - The Void Alone 05. Fleshgod Apocalypse - In Aeternum 06. Aversions Crown - Ophiophagy Side B 01. Thy Art Is Murder - Holy War 02. Carnifex - Drown Me In Blood 03. Despised Icon - Beast 04. Rings Of Saturn - Inadequate 05. All Shall Perish - There Is Nothing Left 06. Bury Tomorrow - Earthbound

Nuclear Blast 30 Years anniversary DVD + 4 CD CD

CD 1 (1992 - 2003) 01. Gorefest – State Of Mind 02. Benediction – I Bow To None 03. Meshuggah – Terminal Illusions 04. Hypocrisy – Roswell 47 05. Dimmu Borgir – Mourning Palace 06. Hammerfall - Trailblazers 07. Sinner – Devil‘s River 08. Destruction – The Butcher Strikes Back 09. Sinergy – The Bitch Is Back 10. Primal Fear – Angel In Black 11. Soilwork - Needlefeast 12. Kataklysm – Manipulator Of Souls 13. Immortal - Tyrants 14. Anthrax – What Doesn’t Die 15. Die Apokalyptischen Reiter – Ride On 16. Helloween – Hell Was Made In Heaven CD 2 (2004-2007) 01. Exodus - Blacklist 02. Edguy - Mysteria 03. Death Angel – Thrown To The Wolves 04. Nightwish – Wish I Had An Angel 05. Wintersun – Winter Madness 06. Sonata Arctica - Wildfire 07. Agnostic Front – So Pure To Me 08. Gotthard – Anytime Anywhere 09. Therion – To Mega Therion 10. Subway To Sally - Sieben 11. Deathstars - Blitzkrieg 12. Rage – Turn My World Around 13. Threshold – This Is Your Life 14. Sonic Syndicate - Denied 15. Samael – Ave! 16. Nile – As He Creates So He Destroys CD 3 (2007 – 2011) 01. Avantasia – Another Angel Down 02. Eluveitie – Inis Mona 03. Testament – More Than Meets The Eye 04. Equilibrium - Snüffel 05. Pain – Monkey Business 06. Amorphis – Silver Bride 07. Epica – Burn To A Cinder 08. Overkill - Ironbound 09. Immolation – A Glorious Epoch 10. Blind Guardian – Ride Into Obsession 11. Accept – Pandemic 12. Forbidden - Hopenosis 13. Graveyard – No Good, Mr Holden 14. Sepultura - Spectrum CD 4 (2012 - 2017) 01. Slayer – Repentless 02. Sabaton – The Lion From The North 03. Kreator – Your Heaven, My Hell 04. Enslaved - Veilburner 05. Hatebreed – Nothing Scars Me 06. Kadavar – Doomsday Machine 07. Carcass – Noncompliance To ASTM F899-12 Standard 08. Behemoth – Blow Your Trumpets Gabriel 09. Killer Be Killed – Wings Of Feather And Wax 10. Blues Pills - Jupiter 11. Machine Head – Now We Die 12. Cradle Of Filth – The Vampyre At My Side 13. Lamb Of God - 512 14. Thy Art Is Murder – Holy War 15. Opeth – Will O The Wisp 16. Paradise Lost – From the Gallows DVD 01. Slayer – Repentless 02. Nightwish – Élan 03. Sabaton – Uprising 04. Accept – Teutonic Terror 05. Machine Head – Now We Die 06. Anthrax – Safe Home 07. Testament – Native Blood 08. Doro – Love’s Gone To Hell 09. Battle Beast – King For A Day 10. Avantasia – Lost In Space 11. Black Star Riders – Dancing With The Wrong Girl 12. Blind Guardian – A Voice In The Dark 13. Metal Church – Reset 14. Kreator – Civilization Collapse 15. Dimmu Borgir – Progenies Of The Great Apocalypse 16. Cradle Of Filth – Heartbreak And Seance 17. In Flames – The End 18. Meshuggah – Bleed 19. Fear Factory - Dielectric 20. Children Of Bodom - Transference 21. Carcass – Unfit For Human Consumption 22. Kataklysm – Elevate 23. Soilwork – Death In General 24. Death Angel – Truce 25. Hypocrisy – End Of Disclosure 26. Epica – Never Enough 27. Sonata Arctica – Flag In The Ground 28. Twilight Force – Flight Of The Sapphire Dragon 29. Amorphis – Sacrifice 30. Avatarium – Pearls And Coffins 31. Eluveitie – Omnos 32. Equilibrium – Blut Im Auge 33. Rise Of The Northstar – Samurai Spirit 34. Suicide Silence – You Can’t Stop Me 35. Soulfly - Archangel 36. Exodus – Blood In Blood Out 37. Tankard – A Girl Called Cerveza 38. Grand Magus – Steel Versus Steel 39. Blues Pills – Lady In Gold 40. Graveyard – Hisingen Blues 41. Hell – On Earth As It Is In Hell 42. Korpiklaani – Rauta 43. Pain – The Great Pretender 44. Deathstars – All The Devil’s Toys

[jeonminhao]

Something To Lean On [ All BTS Members ]

BTS MEMBERS | 1519 WORDS  | ANGST, FLUFF

Pieces of You Drabble Series

12.  “This bar table. This bathroom walls. Even without you, I have things to lean on.”

Send a request for the drabble! :)

a.n. i’m sorry Jimin

 One day after Jimin packed up his bag and left, she found herself curled up in her bed, snuggled under thick layers of blanket, crumpled tissues scattered all around her. Her eyes were swollen and red after hours of crying and the tears had dried up, leaving salty tracks on her cheeks and the pain was too much she could no longer feel it. She felt numb and dehydrated and she should’ve probably go out of her room and drink some water to relieve her from the headache. But she stayed rooted on her spot on the bed, trying her best to ignore the pounding headache and her sore throat. She reached out her hand to the other side of the bed, finding it empty and cold, a reminder of what happened last night. Jimin had been waiting for her to come home from work just to tell her about his plan to leave her, and her first reaction was to laugh. It took her a few minutes to realized he was serious, another minute to muttered the word, ‘why’, and the next ten minutes to stood in front of the doorway, watching Jimin packed up his stuff into the brown duffle bag. She didn’t cry when he whispered more apologies for broken promises and for falling out of love with her and for falling in love with another person. She didn’t cry when he said his goodbye and left the apartment, the sound of the closing door reverberating through the room. The tears started to fall down her cheeks once she snapped out of her thoughts, finally realizing how empty the apartment was. She crumbled to the floor like a rag doll, struggling to breathe between her sobbing.

Taehyung was the one who barged into her apartment hours later and found her sitting on the wooden floor of her bedroom, her lap covered with old pictures of Jimin and her.

“He told you.” It was a statement. Taehyung bit his lips and nodded, face void of any other emotion other than sympathy.

“I’m sorry.” Taehyung tried to smile.

“It’s not your fault.”

A long silence passed before he grabbed her arms and helped her up, the photos left ignored on the floor. She was too tired to pull away and let him dragged her to the bathroom. He washed her face with cold water and helped her brush her teeth, lips pressed into a thin line when she turned to him with hollow eyes. 

. 

One week after Jimin left, [Y/N] found herself sitting on the café she used to go to with Jimin, a cup of hot coffee on the table. She was lost in her thoughts when she heard someone settled on the empty chair in front of her. Startled, her eyebrows crinkled in confusion at the sight of her childhood friend, Yoongi, who was supposed to be in Los Angeles, composing a song for a famous artist.

“How’s the song going?” She asked him, wondering if he finished his work earlier than scheduled.

“I’m Min Yoongi.” He replied, as if his name was enough of an answer. She smiled, her first genuine smile since her break-up.

“Guess they fired you.” She joked, earning a glare from her friend. “Did you get me anything?”

“Does me stealing your mixtape and showing them to a famous producer count as a present?” Yoongi grinned, enjoying the way her jaw dropped and eyes widened in surprise.

“What?”

“They love it and they want to know if you want to do collaboration with them.” Yoongi explained. He held up his hand before she could protest. “I know you were too scared to send your demo to music companies and I’m sorry for stealing them. But you know you’ll never send it on your own and I want people to know my best friend is a genius lyricist and has a beautiful voice.”

He brushed back his platinum blonde hair and gave her a small smile. “You deserve more, [Y/N].”

She looked away when the fondness in his eyes became too much for her, eyes brimming with fresh tears.

“Please don’t cry. They’re gonna think I’m an asshole.” Yoongi groaned.

“You are, though.” She pointed out, lips curled into a small smile when Yoongi got up from his seat and moved his seat next to hers. She let Yoongi pulled her into a hug, sighing in relief at the familiar warmth. Yoongi always knew how to make her feel less like shit despite his lack of comforting words.

“Thank you.” She mumbled against his shirt.

.

One month after the breakup, Hoseok and Jin dragged her to a newly opened club near their place with a promise of fun night and lots of dancing. She thought it would be a great idea to forget the dull pain in her heart. So she put on her nicest clothes and left the apartment with Jin and Hoseok who looked excited to have her out of the apartment. She ended up drinking too much alcohol and throwing up in the bathroom of the club, hands clutching the toiled seat like her life depended on it. Jungkook, who arrived after his work ended, held her hair and rubbed her back gently.

“That’s disgusting.” He commented as he led her out of the toilet stall to wash her face on the sink.

“No one asked you to be here, Kookie.” She retorted, earning a small chuckle from Jungkook.

“I don’t feel so good.” [Y/N] mumbled as she sat on the marble floor, eyes glazed with remnants of alcohol in her system. Jungkook moved to sit next to her, letting her rest her head on his shoulder.

“You’re gonna have a nasty hangover tomorrow.”

“My heart still hurts.” She said quietly as she played with the hem of her blouse. Jungkook took her hand and use the other hand to pat her hair.

“You have us.” Was all he said.

They sat in the bathroom floor for another half an hour before Hoseok and Jin stormed inside with worries plastered all over their faces. The four of them ended up sitting on the floor for a good hour, making weird jokes and ignoring the irritated looks from other people, before someone came and kicked them out of the club.

.

One year after Jimin said he found someone else, Yoongi barged into her apartment with two envelopes in his hand, eyes filled with newfound anger when he mentioned his name.

“Are you going to come?”

“Maybe.” She shrugged, eyes still fixed on the beautiful cursive words on the page.

‘We request the honor of your presence at the marriage of Park Jimin and …..’

“Do I have to come too?” Yoongi childishly mumbled as he made himself comfortable in the messy living room.

“Everyone is coming, Yoongi.”

“Is he going to come as your plus one?” He asked as his anger slowly vanished, the displeasure in his voice replaced by amusement at the sight of her slightly flushed cheeks. She shrugged and put the invitation on the table.

“He will, if you don’t drag him to the studio to work on a new song.” Yoongi grinned at her answer and leaned back on the couch.

A month later, [Y/N] found herself sitting on a white wooden pew, gazed fixed on the couple standing in front of the altar. The dull pain in her heart had been reduced to almost nothing. Sometimes she could still feel it, the little twist in her heart, but the pain was bearable and she could go on with her day without breaking down in tears. It was like the scar on her knee that never really went away and became a slight inconvenience.

“I’m hungry.” A voice beside her whispered. She turned and found Namjoon grinning down at her.

“Shut up, Namjoon.” She muttered back, lips curled into a smile when Namjoon started to play with her hand.

“We should get burgers later.”

“Pizza’s better.”

“Rock, paper, scissors and winner gets to choose?”

“Guys, you need to shut the fuck up before the priest kick you out of the church.” Yoongi hissed from behind them.

“I vote for burgers.” Taehyung excitedly whispered from her left.

“Pizza for me.” Hoseok added, followed by Jungkook, who looked like he had been starving for days.

“I was planning on taking her only.” Namjoon scowled.

“Like a date?” Yoongi raised his eyebrows.

“Maybe.”

[Y/N] turned to him with flushed cheeks and watched the latter squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.

“I love you but you have the shittiest timing, Joonie.” Jin finally added his two-cents.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Excuse me, can you please keep it down?” A sudden angry whisper broke their hushed discussion and everyone’s attention quickly went back to the couple who were in the middle of reciting their vows. [Y/N] slowly reached out to her right and took Namjoon’s hand, ignoring Namjoon’s stare.

“Yes.” She mumbled, voice almost inaudible for Namjoon to hear. But he did and the smile he gave her in return was worth the burgers and stomach ache she got the next day.

[jenroseyokel]

Just Plain Hard to Get

Some poets come when they're needed. They're never late, never early, always right on time, like a wizard or a prophet. And some are a little too early, a little too ahead of their time, or... no, that's not right. Perhaps the hearers are the ones running late, and someday the words will circle back around, and cut straight through bone, ligament, heart, and soul.



Rich Mullins was that kind of poet for me. 


Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of his death, and my Facebook feed has been filled with tributes, stories, and his songs. Beautiful songs, some I'd never heard, others that have sunk deep, deep into my soul over the past 20 years. 

I love to see my people, so many of them, paying tribute to this ragamuffin poet without romanticizing him. Some of them knew him and have stories to tell. Others only met him briefly. Still others, like me, discovered him too late, too young to know what a gift his words were to the world.

I. We are frail, we are fearfully and wonderfully made...



I was 14, and it was a typically humid Friday morning when I heard the news. It had only been a week since I'd learned a wad of aluminum foil and just the right angle on my oversized boombox antenna could open a world of new music that didn't disrupt my passionate, fragile teenage faith. My new favorite radio station was playing, and the morning hosts announced, with shaky, cracking voices, that Rich Mullins had tragically died in a car crash. They followed it up by playing the song "Awesome God" in his honor.



I hadn’t heard the name before, but I knew that song. In 4th grade, my Christian school music teacher — the cool one that let us listen to CCM — drilled us until we could sing it perfectly for our weekly chapel service. For the first time, we were allowed to add some dramatic flourishes to our normally conservative performances.

Stomp forward for “thunder in his footsteps.” Clench fist and raise it high for "lightning in his fist.” Return to standing politely, hands clasped in front of my skirt.



So I “met” Rich in his songs. A few weeks after hearing the news, my family bought his Songs compilation, and there I found something far different from the clean and shiny pop artists I usually listened to. "Awesome God" and "Sing Your Praise to the Lord" made perfect sense to my understanding of God. 

"We Are Not as Strong as We Think We Are" and "Hold Me Jesus," not so much. I had yet to know the feeling of “shaking like a leaf.” In those fiery teenage years, I was a lot more confident I could walk on water without “stumbling on the waves.”

For a little while, I was obsessed with this larger than life personality, reading a biography and a book of his essays and The Ragamuffin Gospel with his picture on the cover. But eventually the fascination waned, and I moved on to the next relatable pop group. The worship music trend was coming into full swing. I jumped up and down at concerts in packed megachurches, and I wandered my way into the Christian music industry via that same radio station I loved (now big enough that I could listen without the aluminum foil).

Still, though I didn’t know it, Rich’s songs had taught me a new language. I just wouldn’t need to speak it for a while.

II. Well I memorized every word you said...



"Hard to Get," from 1998′s posthumous release The Jesus Record, is one of my favorite Rich Mullins lyrics. It feels a little off in places, a little unpolished, like maybe, if given more time, he would have refined the poetry some more. The demo is raw as they come: a tape recorder, an out of tune piano, an empty church.

And the words? They cut like an accusation, daring God to explain himself.

Do you remember what it's like down here where we all scrape to find the strength to ask for daily bread? Did you forget about us after you had flown away?



Fourteen year old me wondered if you were allowed to talk to God like this. Fourteen year old me never had a reason to talk to God like this. I was alight with confidence. I wanted to slay dragons and save the world.

But with time, faith gets shaky. The world gets messy. No matter how good life seems to be going, pain can blindside you, doubt can overtake you, and suddenly you don’t need confidence, but lament.

“Hard to Get” taught me how to lament.

Well I memorized every word you said. Still I'm so scared and holding my breath While you're up there just playing hard to get.

Did I ever have a faith crisis? I'm not sure, honestly, because it's never made sense not to believe. But I know there was a time in my twenties when I felt twinges of doubt.


There's a darkness that comes when you feel numb, when you listen for a voice that's gone silent, when you wrestle with a sadness you can't name. It's something like depression, something like acedia. It's vague, and you float through it by day, only to fight it into the night. 



One night during a time of numbing doubt, I dug through my CD collection until I found my long un-played copy of The Jesus Record. I didn't listen to it... instead I took out the liner notes and hand copied all of the lyrics of "Hard to Get” into my journal. Word by word, letting them sink in. A soundless prayer, repeated into the void.



And I know I'm only lashing out at the one who loves me most But after all I figured this, somehow
 All I really need to know  Is if you who live in eternity 
 Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time...

When I didn't have words, I let Rich sing them for me. When I needed a lament, when I wasn’t sure I believed or wasn’t sure how to handle the vague cloud over my head, those words echoed back across the years.

It was like the smallest flicker of light. But it was enough to see the next steps forward.

We can't see what lies ahead, 
and we cannot be free of what we've left behind.
 I’m reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
 All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret And I can't see how you're leading me unless you've led me here Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led And so you've been here all along I guess It's just your ways and you're just plain hard to get...



Someday, I hope you you'll read a poem or hear a song that doesn't make sense to you in the moment. I hope you disagree, feel a little offended. And I hope someday, it resurfaces for you, slips into the cracks in your soul, and lets some light start shimmering through.

That was the gift Rich Mullins gave to me. Permission to be lost… lost enough to let myself be led.

[patricksilvrrozartistry]

Current Music Obsessions: January 16 - 31, 2017

I got a pretty long list for these two weeks. I came across A LOT of songs and purged my watch later playlist sooooo yeah lol.

Here are the honorable mentions.

The Silent Wedding - A Dream of Choises feat. Tom Englund (Evergrey) Cinq Element - Destiny öOoOoOoOoOo - Bark City (A Glimpse Of Something) Shoot the Girl First - God's Gift (Your Violence) Vetrar Draugurinn - Bleak Earth (demo) Mechina - The Synesthesia Signal Melrose - Hurricane Marcela Bovio - Stars Dark Lunacy - Howl Crystal Gates - Wild Sons of the Earth Terra Tenebrosa - Where Shadows Have Teeth The CNK - Dinner is Ready Hollower - Awakened Seven Kingdoms - Stargazer Class Actress - Bienvenue Hark - Disintegrate Diabulus in Musica - River of Loss She Must Burn - Eclipse Solarus - Shattered Skies On Letting Go - Soul Searching Space Unicorn on Fire - Broken Lose End of Aeon - Endless Agony

So let’s get into the main list now, shall we?!

1) Narwhal Tusk - Making Monsters

I discovered this band a while back through Unknown Power Metal YT and have been quite interested in them since. They’re a female fronted symphonic metal band (so different for me, I know) and I really like their sound so far. This song has more of a power metal feel to it than the last song I heard of theirs (Holding You Deep Inside). Really looking forward to what else these guys bring.

2) The Rinn - I Will Wake 

This is one of those songs you come across expecting one thing, but get something completely different. I originally thought I was going to be listening to some cinematic/emotive/theatrical orchestral stuff like Two Steps From Hell, Globus or Paulo J. Mendes, but no! This is a symphonic power metal band! The cover art threw me right the fuck off! It’s a really great track and I can’t wait to hear more from them, because so far, I’m loving what I’m hearing.

3) Stoneman - Mord ist Kunst 

This song was a random discovery for me. I just saw it in the recommended videos and decided to give it a listen and I really enjoyed it. It’s really hard to find bands the fuse industrial metal and have a good symphonic element that actually sounds good, and this song is just that! It’s also hard (for me that is) to find industrial metal bands from Germany that don’t sound as if they’re trying to be/sound like Rammstein or Oomph!, so it’s a breath of fresh air finding rather different.

4) Lord of the Lost - Liberty in Death feat. Nina Jiers (Neopera) 

I came across this song originally about a year ago, but thanks to my Facebook memories, I was able to rekindle my love for this song. I’m not that much of a fan of LotL, but this song is pretty epic. Once again, it’s an industrial metal band that has a really good symphonic element (or at least to this song) that is done right; and the fact that Nina has more than a line or a verse is really nice. Also, if you guys haven’t done so already, go listen to her band Neopera. Such an EPIC symphonic, gothic metal band that features a tenor on lead vocals! Think of them like a blend between Epica and Therion. HIGHLY recommend them!

5) Jetta - I’d Love to Change the World 

I came across this song while watching the Sense8 Christmas special earlier in January. The version they had in the show was a remix, but I wound up not liking it too much. But this version, the original, is BEYOND amazing! So beautiful and slightly dramatic. Yes. So much yes.

6) Starkill - Piece of Paradise 

Starkill is a symphonic, melodic death metal band with hints of power metal that have started creeping their way into my list of favorites. This song is definitely one of several standouts on the Shadow Sleep album, and it just might be my favorite off it. It’s so beautiful, lovely and slightly catchy. Parker and Sarah’s voices blend so beautifully together on this song. So good. So good.

7) Earthside - A Dream in Static feat. Daniel Topkins (Tesseract) 

I came across this song through Facebook one day. I can’t remember if it was a sponsored ad that popped up because it saw that I liked Tesseract or if Tesseract shared it on their Facebook page. I can’t remember, but I decided to give it a listen and it’s a wonderful song. Beautiful melodies and instrumentals. Such a lovely song to chill out to.

8) Obscure Sphinx - Memories of Falling Down 

This is one of the standout tracks for me on Epitaphs. It’s the true embodiment of post metal: ambient and aggressive/heavy. This song has creeped its way into one of my favorites by them (up in the ranks of Waiting on the Bodies Down the River Floating and Nastiez). It’s great to chill to and starts out very soft and ambient, but then explodes into an aggressive track halfway through and just when you get close to vegging out. If you haven’t done so, check out Epitaphs. It’s not as great as Void Mother in my opinion, but it’s still a great listen.

9) Shattered Skies - The End and the Rebirth 

This is another song that I discovered a while back and rekindled my love for. I was browsing through the Prog playlist I put together for myself a while back and came across this song and fell back in love with it. It’s very proggy, almost dkenty even. It’s a great song to jam out and just really great. And if I’m not mistaken, they just dropped a new song with their new singer. I can’t remember how I felt about it, but just know that they got something new out lol.

10) Divitius - Serpent Skin 

This band is quickly proving to be one of the best bands to come out in a long time. They’re a female fronted djent/progressive metal band from Portland and I am LOVING everything that they are releasing so far. Their music is just so epic, bombastic, but still can get really atmospheric (just listen to Lucid if you want something VERY atmospheric). This song is so epic and powerful and dramatic. I can’t wait to see what else these guys bring, because so far, they are making me lose my shit!

11) Transpherics - Tempus Edax Rerum 

This was a song that I came across on Facebook randomly one day and decided to give it a listen and holy tits is this epic. It’s intense progressive metal, but it’s just cleans. I LOVE it when bands do songs like this. They get so very intense and dramatic without getting very intense and dramatic with vocals and/or instrumentals. Can’t wait to hear more from these guys.

12) Malacoda - The Wild Hunt

Ritualis Aeterna was an EPIC EP (it did make my top 10 favorite EP’s of 2016 after all), but this song definitely takes the cake for being my favorite off it. If you like dark symphonic, power metal bands like Kamelot, you will LOVE these guys. Like it has the perfect blend of darkness, aggression and symphonic, power metal and it’s wonderful. DEFINITELY give these guys a listen!

13) Rave the Reqviem - Azalea

I’ve been a fan of these guys for a few years now, but The Gospel of Nil was the first full length album of theirs I listened to all the way through. It’s really impressive album with intense riffs, a kinda strong symphonic element and all while still being an industrial metal band. From the other songs I’ve heard of theirs that they previously released, this album definitely turned up the metal, and this song is pure proof of that! It’s so epic and intense and not at all what I was expecting from them and I LOVE it! This song is definitely my favorite off the album.

14) Teodasia - Two Worlds Apart feat. Chiara Tricarico (Temperance) and Fabio Polo (on violin) 

Metamorphosis is Teodasia’s first full length album featuring their new lead singer Giacomo (whom is also now Rhapsody of Fire’s new front man) and it’s a pretty solid album. But this song is definitely the stand out track on the album. It’s the ballad and is absolutely BEAUTIFUL. The chorus is everything. It’s so beautiful and elegant and I just can’t handle the beauty. Giacomo and Chiara’s voices blend so beautifully together. And the low notes Giacomo hits. Gurl. Yes. LISTEN TO THIS AND LOVE IT.

15) The Hardkiss - Closer 

This song was just an honorable mention in last month’s video for CMO, but this time a round it’s a full blown obsession. About two weeks into January, this song got stuck in my head and wouldn’t leave for about a week. It’s so good. I mean, The Hardkiss are one of my favorites. I’m also am really liking the slightly more heavy direction these guys are going in. It is a bit odd, considering that they are progressive pop band, but it’s giving them so much more dimension and I am loving it.

16) Temperance - Fragments of Life 

This song right here. Such a wonderful track off the new album. It’s so beautiful! They did really well with the new album, so many great tracks, but this one definitely stands out to me, and I’m not even sure why. It’s not the most eye catching song of theirs, but it’s the execution of it. Somehow they made a rather simple song into such a beautifully epic track.

17) Diabulus in Musica - Marble Embrace 

I about died while listening to Dirge for the Archons. Such an epic album! They definitely outdid The Wanderer (my favorite album of theirs) and turned it the fuck out! So many epic tracks, but this one definitely got stuck in my head the most, which is what makes it an obsession. There’s something about this song that is just so addictive. Such a great song. It’s not my favorite off the album, but it’s definitely an epic one.

18) Diabulus in Musica - St. Michael’s Nightmare (live) 

This version of St. Michael’s Nightmare is a bonus track on Dirge for the Archons and is beyond better than the original (which was already beyond epic). I’m not sure where this performance happened and if they had a live orchestra and choir, but those bits sound beyond spectacular. This version needs to be listened to on blast and with headphones in. Just let the choirs and orchestrations engulf your soul and send you into another dimension. So much yes. HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS!

19) Army of Lovers - Crucified 

I originally discovered this song several years ago through Atargatis’ cover it. They did a REALLY great job with it and made it into this symphonic power metal masterpiece. But the day that I found out that the original was done by this group, I had to give it a listen and see where it all started. Gurl. This shit is EPIC! I LOVE the campiness of the music video and the lip syncing. It’s just, UGGGHHHHHH, so good! Definitely listen to this!

20) Visionatica - Imprinting Lies 

I’ve known of this band for a little while now and found them back when She Wolf was just a simple single and didn’t have a music video. Then when they released Certainty of Benevolence, I knew I had to listen to their debut album Force of Luna. This song right here is probably my second favorite off the album (right behind Certainty of Benevolence). It’s so epic and beautiful and exactly what you want to hear from a symphonic, power metal band on their debut release to get you into them.

21) Omnimar - Out of My Life 

I came across this song in the recommended videos one day and fell in love. I’m not entirely sure if I should label this as industrial or dark electronic music, but what I can say is that it is amazing. There’s something about this simple song that is just beyond beyond. The video for it is also really great. Just give this a listen and watch the video too, you’ll love it.

22) Noveria - Acceptance 

Noveria is a progressive power metal band that I came across a few years ago, and when I saw they were releasing a new album in 2016, I needed to listen to it. This song is definitely one of my favorites off Forsaken. It’s so great and powerful.

23) Aphyxion - Nature of Mankind 

Aphyxion are a melodic death metal band that I came across in the recommended videos one day. At first, I really wasn’t too interested in listening to their new album, Aftermath, but after hearing and seeing the music video for Same Kind of Different, I had to give it a listen! This song is one of my favorites off Aftermath and it’s all because of the bridge. The breakdown with those synths just SLAYS me! Such an epic song and band.

24) Psyborg Corp. - Synthesize

I’ve been a huge fan of these guys since they made their debut a few years ago (The Mechanical Renaissance is one of my favorite EBM albums), so you can understand my shock when I came to find out that they released a synthwave track. I’m not complaining at all, I LOVE synthwave and retrowave, it just threw me off is all since these guys have been releasing harsh EBM for six years and then out of nowhere they drop a synthwave track. It’s the same Psyborg Corp. vocals with some epic synthwave instrumentals happening and is a wonderful song to chill out to.

25) Pryapisme - A la Zheuleuleu 

I have a feeling this band is going to become a new favorite of mine or that their new album is going to be a favorite of 2017. I came across these guys one day when their record label, Apathia Records, dropped some of their new tracks. This song is completely instrumental and is fantastic. It’s almost as if nintendocore (yes, it’s a real thing) and avant-garde metal came together and had this bizarre, seizure inducing arcade music baby and I love it!

26) The Autist - Age of Leviathan feat. Chiara Tricarico (Temperance) 

This band has quickly become a new favorite of mine. With each single they’ve released for their upcoming album, The Coldest Sun, I become more and more hyped for it! This song is nothing simple, but a complete ball buster when it comes to progressive, symphonic metal. Like holy tits, this song is beyond epic. I’m beyond excited to hear this new album, because everything I’ve heard so far is so good. AND they’re going to be releasing a new music video soon featuring Polina Psycheya and Alina Lesnik and I can’t fucking wait!

That’s it for these past two weeks! I know that was A LOT, but like I said, I purged my watch later playlist and got through a lot of shit. Now I just need to purge my list again and also listen to the last albums on my list of 2016 releases. So be prepared for long lists in again in February. I hope you guys enjoy all these songs as much as I did!

[mattbrothersscriptwriter]

Once Upon A Time

I’d like to have a little ramble and shout into the void about a truly unique, life affirming and heartfelt movie. Not because any of this hasn’t been covered before - I’d bet my guitar case full of coins it has. Not as a review or a hot take or a think piece, though perhaps it’s a little of all of those things. But because I recently rewatched the 2007 musical drama Once (dir: John Carney) and it reminded me how much this movie makes me fucking feel… which is also the hardest thing for me to eloquently put down into words but hey, I’ll try.

Once tells the simple story of Guy (Glen Hansard), a busker in Dublin who lives with his Dad and works in his hoover repair shop. He’s a talented musician but is still living in the shadow of a long since broken relationship, something that evidently both haunts and drives him. This inner conflict has inevitably kept him stranded in the same place – possessing the skills and the ambition to transform his passion into a career but lacking the courage and the heart to truly see it through. That is until he meets Girl (Markéta Irglová), a Czech immigrant who gets by selling flowers and the Big Issue. She’s a keen pianist and the unlikely pair quickly form a unique friendship, bonding over songwriting, heartbreak and Dublin itself.

Shot for next to nothing in three weeks, it’s a film so raw (and perfectly suited to that style) that just a single step in either direction would shatter the illusion. Too glossy and the magic is somehow lost. Any more ramshackle and there probably wouldn’t be a finished film to even worry about. Cillian Murphy was supposed to play Guy but dropped out, making way for director John Carney to convince Hansard, who was already set to write the music, to take the natural next step and just play the role himself.

It’s a story that manages to exist in the moment like nothing else I’ve really seen, thanks in part to the guerrilla style production but also thanks to its immense, bittersweet heart and commitment to bottling the ‘life as it happens’ feeling. It’s how we all experience life after all and it’s only afterwards that we may look back on certain memories as feeling like scenes from a movie: those perfectly captured instances where decisions have huge consequences and it feels like some higher power is writing you into a cruel plot twist or inevitable turning point. Its one thing to physically make a movie feel so grounded but to write and perform it that way too shows a real understanding of the tone they were aiming for – and absolutely nailing in the process.

It’s a joyful movie but an effortlessly melancholy one too. Like I said, it’s bittersweet. Anyone who has ever had a dream, ever been in love or ever wished for something more, you can understand and feel all of that through one look at Hansard’s exhausted face. Avoiding saccharine movie tropes and clichés, he’s simply a bloke who rides the bus with his guitar. Who chases thieves stealing his busking money. Who exists in our world. We probably see him every day, out on the streets or hunkered away in a corner of the tube. His or her music echoing through crowds, ignored by most but probably connecting to more people than we might think.

Guy never seems more vulnerable than when he’s hiding behind a forced smile or his sad, puppy dog eyes and watching this mask of happiness slowly blossom into something genuine is where the film really hits me. It reminds us that we have to seek change – or allow change to happen to us – to move from where we are to where we want to be.

I love how Guy is a thirty something pessimist whilst Girl, despite living with just as much of an uncertain, unstable future as Guy, is a ray of sunshine in comparison. She’s a stubbornly joyful extrovert, happily striking up conversations with strangers - a comically recurring trait that rewards her with casual piano practice in the music shop, helps to secure a bank loan for the recording session AND score a reduced charge for the studio hire later on. It’s the ‘if you don’t ask, you won’t get’ mentality, utilised by someone with no ulterior motives; a real pure soul who finds happiness in what she has, not what she’s lacking.

She speaks her mind, unconcerned with any risk of social awkwardness. Her abrupt “I have to go now” way of announcing she’s leaving becomes something of a catchphrase and it works wonderfully in establishing not just the generational difference between the two characters but the cultural one as well. I really love how we first meet her in the film – when she is drawn to Guy performing his most emotionally raw song (the amazing ‘Say it to Me Now’) all alone, in the middle of the night. This exorcism of his repressed feelings, expressed only through his music, is in fierce contrast to Girl’s happy go lucky outlook and she wastes no time in probing him for the truth.

This film is one of the most genius, underplayed and natural musicals ever – essentially doing the ‘bursting into song’ thing whilst remaining firmly in reality, never quite breaking that thinly veiled fourth wall that all other musicals do. Here, it’s in a beautifully captured song-writing-on-the-fly sequence (‘Falling Slowly’) or a late night jam session between family and acquaintances (‘Gold’) or in a great sequence where Girl sings lyrics to an instrumental track given to her by Guy whilst on a walk back from the corner store to buy batteries (’If You Want Me’). It’s so relatable; from the street kids watching her go past to her fluffy slippers to the clunky portable CD player in her hand. Who hasn’t done something like that? A more traditional musical might have been tempted to convert the pedestrians to background singers, cooing harmonies over her shoulder or snapping their fingers in a dance routine through the street but this film shows that life can be full of ‘movie-adjacent’ moments and not feel cheaply earnt whilst portraying them.

This movie is something of an Irish, folksy Before Sunrise – except Guy is probably in the period of his life where he’s actually living in Before Sunset (jaded, wondering what could have been) whilst Girl is firmly in Sunrise (open to new connections, optimistic about the present). They’re on different paths and perhaps even swap roles throughout, with Guy becoming more enlightened and eager for new experiences whilst we learn that Girl is caring for a small child who is product of her past. These two never really come to any real conflict themselves. The closest they maybe get is when Guy makes an awkward, kinda sad pass at her one night – but it’s practically all forgiven and forgotten by the next day. That’s real life too and I’m glad a moment like that is addressed in the story but promptly resolved. It doesn’t need to be this instance of overly contrived setup/payoff, it’s just a misunderstanding that the characters are aware enough to acknowledge and put aside. In fact, so much of this narrative goes against the grain. Guy never gets ‘the Girl’. He chooses to chase down a woman who is probably bad for him. And Girl ends up giving her husband another shot – a character we’ve never met and have barely heard about. Again, just because we aren’t aware of a person’s backstory doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or that we’re responsible for making any grand change to the way things pan out. Here, a kind gesture of purchasing a piano for a kindred spirit is more than enough… if a little unpractical.

So much of this movie acts as a mirror to the lives of the people making it. The struggling artist narrative is straight out of Hansard’s life, even recording the demo tape in the same studio as he once did. The ex-girlfriend who moved to London is right out of Carney’s own past. All of this helps blur the line between fact and fiction, The scene where Girl tells Guy that she loves him, unprompted and ingeniously unsubtitled, is perhaps the most quietly powerful moment in the film – because the line between performance and truth is shattered as we, like Guy AND Hansard, perhaps can’t tell who’s saying what anymore – the character or the actor. In reality, it may have been both. And it’s captured right there on screen. Lightning in a bottle.

Arguably, this film is set in the last era of when a story like this could be romantic – or at least romanticised. If it was made today, in 2018, Guy would be recording in his bedroom, uploading to Soundcloud, plugging his Patreon page and filling a Youtube account with cover songs sang directly to his webcam. There’s no doubt that the advancements in technology has added an artifice to the whole struggling artist thing and it means something very different in this day and age. Here, in the far flung days of the mid 00s, there’s no real social media presence (Myspace was sort of at its peak but was more of a Facebook precursor than the platform for music it slowly morphed into) and Guy ends the movie with a handful of CDs to show for his time in the studio. Ah physical media, how I miss thee… sometimes…

This is definitely one of those movies that is firmly lodged in my brain. Despite only having watched it twice, three times at most, I’ve had the soundtrack on rotation for ten years and the time I caught Glen Hansard himself in concert (at the Shepherd’s Bush Empire in 2015, natch) was legitimately one of the most memorable gig experiences I’ve ever been to. Everything from the setlist to the showmanship to the intimacy to the grandeur, it was just incredible. An unplugged encore starting with Say It To Me Now up on a balcony in the crowd through to Falling Slowly on piano? Woop woop! 

But I digress… this is a film that is firmly time-stamped in my memory. I watched it on the very same night that I first properly met someone who ended up becoming a huge part of my life. Nearly ten years ago to the day, me and some friends - energised by both the movie and the hazy summer evening - trekked across town to a housewarming party. This was a decision which would inevitably change the very direction of my life, which is insane when you really sit down and think about it… and being able to pinpoint the origin of such a huge personal crossroads is kinda what Once is all about so it really does resonate.

And I think this rewatch really did resonate, because I now saw myself more as the cynical, pessimistic person Guy is at the start of the film – just trying to keep on keeping on and push himself out of his comfort zone. To achieve something special or worthwhile. Without getting too personal, I can be my own worst enemy and while 2008 mostly feels more like a lifetime ago, there are times when it feels like it was just yesterday and I blinked and went from then to now in a flash. And we all have these moments. Be it meeting someone influential, deciding to move house, to travel to a new country, to quit that job and take that risk; they can be scary or freeing or even traumatic but they’re an element of life that movies strive to replicate… and this one just does so by downplaying the weight of these moments rather than draw attention to them in an artificial manner.

John Carney has said that the title of the film is in reference to other talented musicians and artists that he knew, who always said ‘once I do this and once I do that, then I’ll pursue my passion’ etc, referring to the realities (and the safety nets) of life that can sometimes stop people from taking the plunge and chasing their dreams. I’ve definitely felt the same way and have constantly had that conversation inside my own head: that once I get these things sorted then these things lined up then I’ll do such and such and how in the end, time just keeps on moving regardless… so you have to act. 

This film is about making that choice to act.