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halleywars · 7 years

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Introduction

There were balls everywhere. Many myths have been spun about god, but i am the chronicler, and i am here to dispel all bullshit creation stories once and for all. The story you are about to hear is not myth, however if it is easier for your feeble mind to take as such then so be it. Before all else, before women, before the earth and time and space, god created man , and to mankind he gave balls. To each man a flaw, and to each man a ball. Within these balls god gave each man what it took to become more god like, a key to unlocking his true potential. If you are of a foolish type you may be thinking that the balls are a metaphor for something more like a way of thinking, but i assure you the meaning is quite literal. These balls were dubbed the "element balls" and their manifestation in your world is quite physical. The truth behind the disappearance of your balls is the tale i spin today. This tale begins with a man following his own dreams, who would set into motion a chain of events that would fart in the face of the world. This is the tale, of the element balls.

The desert sun beat down on steven universe, the earth red and fucked surrounded him. It was the year 2048, and steven was pissed. He was quick to crack wise and his face showed it, however people did not put up with this shit on account of him being 50. Nowadays steven stuck mostly to his job as an archeologist. He tapped the fingerprint scanner on his space watch and the robot hologram on it informed him was almost 8 in egypt time, which was where he was at, egypt. He was digging in egypt, doing archeologist stuff, is what im trying to get across, also its the future. Steven looked up from his space watch to a lanky man standing above his dig site. The man stunk of cum and checkers hamburgers, his white and gold suit reflecting off the sun like something really bright white and gold. The man had a shit eating grin on his face as he chomped a big cigar like it was a gay dick that he was suckin'.

"Steven you cocksucker, its almost 8 o clock in egypt time! You really need to pack up your shit and hit the road, when it gets dark the giant scorpions come out."

Steven wiped the sweat off his brow and chuckled to himself while shaking his head. He continued digging as if he hadnt heard a word.

The suited man was pissed. "Steven you got egypt dirt in your ears? Did you perhaps forget im the money behind this trip? and i didnt pay millions of dollars to get a top archeologist out here in egypt so he can find nothing for three days and then get killed and buttfucked by giant desert scorpions? "

Steven chuckled and graced the angry man a response, "You wouldnt know shit about passion Lars, youve never worked a day in your life. Look bakery tits.. im not out here jerkin off... im gettin close to finding some info on those damned balls... i can feel it in my gut."

Lars was pissed because of the backtalk, but he knew what to expect from steven. He lit a cig, gayly. He had hired steven because he was a master of archeology, the backtalk was to be expected of someone who was the master of his craft. But Lars knew if anyone could dig up some information on the balls, it was steven. Lars looked back down at Steven and tightened his fancy white gloves. He held up one finger.

"Youve got until 1 o clock, any later and ill have the boys come out here and drag your ass out of the dirt. we clear?"

Steven hadnt taken his eyes off his work. "crystal" he shouted to the gay millionaire as he continued digging.

Lars noded his head and flicked his cig on the hot egypt dirt, it burst into flames. He whistled for his hoverboard and it flew over to him, Lars hopped on and flew away, leaving steven to continue his work in peace.

A Discovery

The sun was setting, and with it the insanity of Lars sprung forward. He took off the mask and looked for a long time in the mirror- at the scars. That day. That day when Ocean Smith burned it to the ground. I’ll never forget that day. Lars slammed his fist onto the counter top and screamed with rage. His bones, indeed his very existence was rattled. After some time he remembered. I’m bitter again. I’m angry again. Then he remembered his medication. He lit up the obama kush and inhaled deeply, feeling the tension evaporate off of his body. He had a curious mental condition indeed. A single thought warped his mind and sent him into a state of being not unlike that of a raging bull.

Chill dubstep was playing. He layed back onto the couch with the back of his neck curved around the top of the couch cusion, just staring. Thinking. About her. She was an angel.

Steven universe was toiling in the black of night with only a torch. These transcriptions are fucked up! I need to decode… ah yes. The emerald tablets of Thoth springing into being from the angelic horsemen? The….balls….into existence from the….source? What source? Lets read further into this mystery. The archaic….tomb of Xerxes….Ramses trine to the seventh equinox….on the first of May? Ah! And with these thoughts he realized it. He must go to the tomb of Xerxes to retreive the key, and then to the tomb of Ramses to put it in the lock! Then the mystery will be revealed.

Connie Maheswaran was eating grapefruit. Her house was luxurious, yet barren. Cold stones. She liked the stark reality of the stones. Jean Michel Jarre was playing on the speakers nearby. Connie’s eyes were closed, and she was in another world. Then the phone rang. It was Steven.

“Yo”

“Connie, you need to come to Egypt, right this minute.”

“Bro. I’m tryin to chill here. I was about to snort some Zaka.”

“Zaka is about as useless at this time as poop!”

“What’s all the racket?”

“The element balls…. I know how to get the element balls.”

“Still believe in the mystery school teachings? Come now.”

“The plane is paid for, my friend.”

“Well…. Money’s not an issue for me, but fuck it. I’ll snort a double and be there on the double.”

“Cya pal.”

“Cya.”

Connie was looking out the window, Arkansas below. Ah, the Ozarks. If only I had a log cabin out there. The lady beside Connie was eying her sternly.

“Are you on something?”

Connie looked her in the eye until she quickly turned her head in the other direction. That’s more like it, fat bitch.

Connie farted hard. Then the plane came to a halt. The fatass held her nose and Connie sneered. Hope the vacation’s fun, retard! Steven greeted her as she exited the plane. Before leaving, she waves bye to the pilot, who she gave some speed so he could stay awake.

Lapis Lazuli was in a hot tub. Smoking a joint, snorting zaka. I am so high.

Zaka

Lapis’ iPhone 4k rose out of the hot tub and started spinning. Lapis was pissed. She shouted.

“Siri who the fuck is disturbing me at this hour?”

“It is steven universe master”

Lapis raised an eyebrow

“Not a fucking prank i hope, if this is some mindless bullshit ill fly over there and shove my boot up his ass.”

“It appears to be urgent master”

“Shut the fuck up and put me on the phone with him robot voice.”

The phone flashed millions of different colors before displaying a hologram of steven universe, flashing his balls.

“You proud of those? They're about to be hung on my wall shrimp dick.”

The cackling of a hyena could be heard from the phone, but Lapis stayed stone faced and silent. The hologram spoke

“Long time no see Lapis”

“I’m assuming you called for more than to show off your shitty old balls?”

“You assumed right”

“This wouldn't have anything to do with those damned element balls you’ve been going on and on about would it?”

“I’m nearer than I’ve ever been. I need your help. Were on our way to Xerxes tomb.”

“I’m not much of an archeologist Steven.”

“This is big Lapis, I have a feeling whatever happens in the next 48 hours, you’re gonna wanna see first-hand.”

Lapis shook her head and sighed.

“I assume you’re on your way over here then. Fuck! You payin’ my way?!”

Bromos

“You’ve got the money!”

“Spent it all on Bromos.”

“Fine. Yup.”

“That’s more like it.”

Lapis ended the call and sunk back into the water with cool contemplation.

The three hoodlums were finally together again after long, long years. And they weren’t happy. They all went their own neurotic loner ways over the years, Connie always loved tracking what the government was up to, Lapis loved cool meditation and Bromos, and of course Steven was the obsessed one, the one who delved in research. They were all seated around a pretentious fire with spoiled faces. Connie simply stated, “I’m gettin’ bored here where are the balls of power?”

“I called you two here to ask for you assistance with possibly…. Dangerous ruins.”

“Mummies?”

“Very possibly.”

Connie leaned back into her lawn chair and sneered. A skeptic at heart indeed. Lapis was not amused. She was craving bromos.

“Remember that gay town on the east coast?!” Announced Lapis.

Steven replied, “Oh, yep. That was the dumbest town I’ve even seen in my life. What a gay selection of things to do.”

“Beach… City… Beach City… horrible ass place.”

“Oh I know.”

Lapis spoke, “What must we do to find the element balls? I would like to taste of them.”

“We must go to the Tomb of Xerxes to find the key. What this key is, I cannot say. I will have to read the transcriptions at the site.”

“And of Lars Barriga?”

“He’ll never find us again, that idiot.”

“Good, he’s a nuisance.”

Connie spoke up, “I don’t trust him. Don’t consider him merely a weakling. What if he’s hiding something? He walks with the air of chaos.”

Steven replied, “True, but we could kick his ass.”

“To that, my friend, a line of Zaka.”

A uniform AYE! Sounded between the group.

Three lines were laid out, and Connie became all the rage. Lapis became a mastermind of the void. Steven went crazy and kept on smacking himself on the ass. The three of them were violent, and farting at that. The three of them formed a sort of united dance. Waving, heaving, jumping, farting. Yelling, vomiting, flashing lights from the distant night formed in their vision. Their minds were like fireworks- the zaka was working.

It was the next morning. The sun seared the optic nerves of Lapis when she opened her eyes. She spit the sand from her mouth. Collapsed, still exhausted, and very thirsty. And also, unpleasantly surprised. His friends were missing.

“What in the fuck!”

Lapis’ mouth felt all the more like cotton when she spoke. She started to panic. It was just her now, him and the depressing, impractical ruins. Lapis was the practical sort- not particularly fond of jokes unless it meant making sport of another being. She started to truly panic, and felt a lump start to swell up in her throat, a lump that massaged the sand into his throat.

Egypt

Lapis looked up to see a devious grin spread across Steven’s face

“Still got bromos on the mind Lapis? Welcome back to the land of the living.”

“How long was I out?”

“All of last night and well... Its eight thirty at night now, didn’t know you of all people couldn’t handle your bromos”

Connie spoke up “that’s what you get for mixing your bromos with zaka. You shoulda known better”

Steven nodded in agreement, “yes bromos and zaka… the bromonium ions in the bromos binded to the tert butyl carbons in your blood stream. Mix that with the high levels of selenium in the zaka and…”

Lapis cut him off, once Steven got on a tangent he became more annoying than a school teacher named mrs scroggs. Fuck you ms scroggs im glad youre in jail you fucking moron pedo fucking dumb ass

“So then were at the tomb of xerxes correct?”

“Something like that, this is what’s open to the public, the true tomb is underneath”

Lapis raised an eyebrow, “underneath?”

Steven coolly smiled and instructed Connie to move away from the golden statue of xerxes she was leaning on.

“Observe”

Steven dusted off the statues dong area to reveal a golden dick. He jacked it off and sperm shot out of it onto Lapis’ face. Lapis was not amused. Suddenly the ruins started to shake and the floor spread open beneath them. Lapis slipped on the cum and fell on her ass.

“As if the hangover wasn’t bad enough!”

A laugh track played. The floor opened to reveal a set of stairs down a deep dark passage way.

“This way ladies” Steven squawked in his gay ass voice. He lit a torch with his vape pen and they headed down the tunnel. Steven looked back at Lapis and stopped, smiling.

“What?” Lapis inquired

“Like that?”

“Like what??”

“Xerxes ruins cum in your face”

Lapis delivered a quick blow to Steven’s face but Steven dodged it, laughing and dancing away down the stairs like some kind of fucked up jester. Anyways it was a long passageway, really long, nothing really happened on the way there. Anyways they got to the bottom and it was like, a egypt tomb. Hiro gliffs on the wall.

“Hmm…” Steven inspected the hiro gliffs

“These Egypt writings are telling me where the key is, everyone wait back there, and watch my back for mummies or something”

Lars and Jamie

Lapis, Connie and Steven woke up at about the same time in a dim torch-lit room in the tomb. Sleeping gas? They each thought of this as they rubbed their eyes, slightly bewildered. Then they writhed. With their hands tied behind them, and their legs wrapped with strong ropes, it seemed as if decisions were impotent.

Their timely plateau of panic was greeted by two gentlemen coming onto the scene. Steven could make out Lars, but not the other person.

“Hello Steven. Since you did not obey me, after I provided you with an opportunity to wet your scholarly appetite with translation, it would seem as though you’ve gotten yourself into a mess. Your role is not of your choosing. The time of so called “freedom”, “freewill”, and “staking your claim” is over. Humanity is advancing into the role of guardians, and leaving the previous title of beast behind. No longer do we compete! No longer are we individuals! Now we become us. The united. The one. Success is not real without contrast against other individuals. So this artificial and bloated man-made concept must be destroyed. So, any last words? Have you read the beloved, ‘A Cask of Amontillado’ from ages ago?”

Steven simply answered, “Do what you must, you fool.”

“Why, I am simply shattered. What cold words. I must insist however; it is time for action.”

With that Lars and the other man started sealing Connie, Lapis, and Steven in the small room with bricks. Lapis decided to comment to the other man.

“You are Jamie, are you not?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I remember your theatre performance in Beach City. It really was retarded.”

Jamie was shaking with rage. He was brutally insulted, and as a result, accidentally knocked some bricks off the wall being built. Lars slapped him. Lars removed his mask and pressed his charred forehead against Jamie’s, staring him in the eye. Jamie was tearing up.

“You see my face? You are so stupid.”

Jamie was sobbing and screaming. His legs were shaking. And, in this amount of time Connie was able to free herself. She stared them both in the eye. She told them to fuck off.

Lars started sprinting, but Jamie was so shaky that he fell to the ground and started sobbing uncontrollably. Connie knocked down the bricks and started beating on Jamie’s face until he was unrecognizable.

Connie, Lapis and Steven were all aboard the Hawk, their space ship. Hawk was custom built and very fast. Jamie walked in the main hall from his healing tank. The threesome looked him over and said, almost at once, “What in the fuck?!” Jamie looked like a barbarian. He had to apologize. He told them that nobody ever gave him what he really needed in life, and asked if he could be the cook aboard the Hawk.

“Fine” said Connie. “As long as you do push-ups every day, and eat ghost peppers to keep the inner pussy in line.”

“Will do.”

Vengeance and Spirits

Connie and Lapis, high, retired to the “drunk tank” as they liked to joke about, were pissed off. The subject matter- the key that Lars has in his possession. Their faces somber and drunk, Lapis broke the silence.

“It’s simple really. We show up at his mansion and stomp his gay ass into the dirt.”

“Hmm.”

“Eh?”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking Steven?!”

“Come now, I’m the brains here.”

“That is off subject, but go ahead and ask what I’m thinking.”

“Eh?”

“I’m thinking we put steroids into Jamie. And, I’m thinking we get him to hate stomp Lars.”

“Ohoho!”

“Hehehehehehehe!”

Both of them rubbed their hands together, took two shots and lit a cig in that order. When they entered the main hall, they noticed Steven schooling Jamie in philosophy. “I’ve never heard a man drool that much.” proclaimed Connie. “Seen a man drool?” “No, his face is shaped fucked up from where I beat his ass. You can hear it slurp out like pouring water from a jug.” Steven slapped Jamie. And he proclaimed-

“I guess you don’t wanna be the cook, eh?”

“N-no. I mean yes. I do.”

Steven snapped his fingers together. “Ah!” Connie produced a ghost pepper. Jamie started twitching in anticipation. Connie was grinning, zooming slowly the pepper closer and closer to Jamie’s mouth, as he started to tear up. “It’s a plane! Open up, lad!” Connie started to laugh. Jamie held his mouth open like it was about to receive cock, but unfortunately for him this is bigger than any he’s ever encountered. The plane landed.

But it was a rough landing. Jamie was convulsing, crying. Snot exploded out of his face. The pressure blower was applied to remove the biological matter. Jamie is a fuckin fag. Steven spoke up-

“I thought you WANTED this chance. This chance- to be a part our team. Or maybe you didn’t know what you were getting into, boy. You still have some demons inside of you, eh? Either we wipe those out- the hard way- or you take care of them yourself much easier. We’ll even allow you to dip your feet in the water before you get in so to speak.”

Connie crammed another pepper down. At this point the lad looked like a fuckin’ frog. He even stopped making noise. I guess the threesome know a good pacifier, eh? Well that’s funny, a pepper pacifier to prevent pepper noise, but he talks to much anyway.”

It was morning, and the third day of Jamie’s training. His alarm clock? Need I say anything but the fact that he was an utter frog? But he was getting used to it- and he was gaining muscle since he was wearing an anabolic oxygen gas mask while he was designated to work out his shoulders for five hours. He was big, simple as that. Lapis gave him the look.

“You’re ready boy.”

“For what?”

“To beat Lars’s ass.”

“Ah. Will do.”

You see, normally Jamie would cry at that point- but the threesome also administered scolopomine for heightened suggestibility from Jamie. He was their thrall. Needless to say, he wasn’t ball material. Well, that’s a bit hasty- the threesome hasn’t got any balls yet. But Jamie’s got negative two balls.

“Colloso” from the Golden Sun soundtrack starts playing(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbOVd642FJo). The Hawk landed on top of Lars’s mansion. Laser beams commenced attack, but the hawk was too strong. Before two minutes were up, all of the puny soldiers were bleeds. Jamie was screaming- this time his pitch was UNDER 2000 hz. More like one. He was all hyped up on steroids, and jumped on Lars, flailing his arms and turning his already burnt face into a shit face. All while the threesome aboard were getting the same treatment- in a different way. They used a giant electromagnet to pull the key aboard from Lars’ pocket. Oops! It was in his back pocket. Tore a hole in the poor bastards gut. He was finished anyway. The ship left behind the two freaks. There was a vibe of, “I take my leave” in the air. The last the threesome saw was Jamie…. fucking Lars. What an ordeal.

We Can’t Believe the Psyche of Some Human Beings!

So now the threesome were telling jokes about Jamie fuckin’. It’s the seventh of May. Time for Ramses tomb. Can we skip all the, you know…. drugs- let’s fast forward to the tomb.

In the burial chamber. Long story short, Greg was inside of the coffin, unconscious. “What the fuck?!” They cast him aside. The keyhole- sorry, my consciousness is simple because I’m in character with the threesome, who are all intensely wasted. The keyhole and the key. Turn. Bright. Shimmering lights. Colors flashing in the face. The ball, in all of its glory. Lazuli addressed Steven-

“You did the translation. It’s for you, friend.”

“Don’t worry, there will be some for all of us eventually!”

“Agreed!”

Steven grabbed the ball as it absorbed into his skin. He started hovering over the ground.

Greg Ambassador, and his Apprentice

As the threesome were prodding along on the Hawk, they gazed upon quite the poor spectacle of a space merchant outpost. Steven was curious, the rest said fuck it. The spaceship rocked its way downward onto the platform provided, a spaceship parking lot. The threesome couldn't tell if it was brand new or just unused. The put on their suits, and entered the door to the shop.

They went inside and saw a dorito haired, short, leprechaun resembling woman behind the desk. She looked up and said in amazement- “Ah, customers. This is an engineering shop in case you’re looking to tweak your ship.” Connie and Steven, fans of ships, perked right up. Steven spoke up-

“We are looking to make the Hawk faster, better, and more destructive than all other spaceships.”

“I'll get my boss Greg then.”

An old bearded man with a Beach City tee shirt entered the room. He had a hollow glare and an agape mouth. To break the silence, Greg shouted-

“You want it, I make it! Now what's your offer?”

“We want the most powerful spaceship in the universe.”

“There's only one way to do that.”

“How?”

“You must have an unused element ball.”

“That can be arranged.”

“Ahahaha! Fools! Bring me an element ball and I'll sell ya my soul!”

“Don't give us ideas, now.”

“Lets not joke here. I'm not easily humored. Unless It's Kat Williams, I aint laughing.”

Steven Universe brought an Element Ball out of his pocket. Greg looked like a spooked raccoon, and licked his lips with a certain disbelief. Greg's long white hair was pushed in front of his face by the air conditioning, but when it receded he held an expression of determination.

“It's been a long time.” Greg said.

Steven replied, “You were once known as the inventor of real Bionicles using the balls, you brought automatons to life with the balls, correct?”

“Mmhmm, thats right. But hold on one sec-”

“You must, lest the universe as you know it ceases to exist.”

“As I know it? Go head and press the red button then.”

The Gay Peedee

“Alright Peedee… you can do this… deep breaths…”

Peedee struggled to hold the vape pen to his mouth, his hands were trembling.

“Deep breaths… theres nothing bad about this… nothing bad about this at all…. Its just gonna make me relax… its not illegal… ugh….”

Peedee put the purple dildo shaped contraption to his mouth and pressed the button on the side. He closed his eyes and took a big suck from the vape pen.

“My lungs are on fire!!! Some one help!!!!!!”

Peedee dropped the pen and began crying and coughing intensely. He fell to his knees and started gagging between sobs, he vomited up arbys on the carpet, and onto the vape pen, causing it to shortcircuit. The spark from the pen caught Peedees shirt on fire. In a panic he took off all his clothes and stomped them into the vomit. The door flung open, and Lars appeared.

“What are you doing?”

Chandler stood there in his underwear with boogers running down his nose, silent.

“Piss your pants?”

Chandler looked down, he had indeed, pissed his pants, his white underwear had turned a bright yellow. Chandler drank a lot of soda. He decided to speak up.

“I was… trying to vape….”

Lars raised an eyebrow and made a :I face with his mouth.

“Sorry…. I was trying to relax myself… it made me dissociate… i didnt know what was going on.”

“Its vape dude”

Strife With KillQuest

“God damn parts.” cursed Steven as his still unrefurbished ship glided forth. The crew was headed to the planet Azragath to mine some kind of special metal for the remake of the Hawk. “You sure this Greg figure isn’t some kind of fraud? Did that even occur to Y’all? What if he’s chuckling as we speak over this mess we’ve fallen for?” he went on. But Connie wouldn’t have it. “I know real when I see it. He’s an engineer. He’s got neutral eyes. Eyes that don’t see what they want to see. Eyes that see what appears in reality.” she parried. “Fine. Guess I’ll have faith.”

As the ship slowly landed, the threesome got a glimpse of the dense jungle below with feelings of elation. There’s nothing like the sight of a previously unseen alien world to the imagination. The ambience in their minds ever scintillating.

As they stepped from the ship, strange noises were heard. The alien lifeforms around them seemed to gawk. Then they noticed the men with long beards, five in total.

“What business have you with us?” the oldest looking among them asked in a grounded way.

“We are here for precious metals.” replied Steven.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVNkr6OAads starts playing.

“Well then, you have come to the right planet. Follow us.”

And so they traveled dirt roads of passion, lined with old stones and garnished by exotic fungi. The oldest wizard lit a joint and passed it around. The threesome never remembered being this stoned in their life. The sun was huge and glimmering. Their faces were animated. The wizards weren’t phased, but were reminded of their past. The threesome was told of the stroke of luck that the wizards experienced as boys, being taken into secret societies in their teenage years to resist the brainwashing of the media. Then Steven realized that he was being quiet from getting too entrenched in the joint and trance of life, so he asked the oldest wizard a mundane question.

“Hey man, what happens to be your name?”

“Just call me Weedo. Weedo Beerbeer Fourtwenty to be exact.”

“I’d guess you love beer and weed?”

“Oh bud.”

With that the five wizards chuckled. Weedo went on and on about the ‘old days’: “I was once naive enough in my youth to believe that one day a generation would come who would not even understand the lyrics to War Pigs. I once believed that peace was attainable, not in my lifetime, but a realistic goal nonetheless. I thought that war would one day be a foreign concept. Time has only spat in my face, proving me wrong time and time again. This, of course, does at least speak for the timeless nature of Black Sabbath. Speakers of truth, and they will continue to be so long after the original line-up has passed from this realm.”, “The Who were prophets. Every four years I'm reminded of ‘meet the new boss, same as the old boss.’ Sadly, what they got wrong was the "won't get fooled again" part!”, “Don't give in to apathy. Don't settle for jack shit. You're a human. You're worth something.”

Eventually the dense overgrowth of insanity parted and made way for an orderly forest of green. Marijuana plants far and wide, with trichomes apparent from any distance, reflecting the sun’s light. The wizards looked behind them to glance in our eyes. They were not surprised to see astonishment. They won’t fathom the experience they’re about to have thought the wizards. And so they walked through fields of joy. It seemed to go on for miles beyond, when another brain-splitting beam of astonishment caught them in a time rift. A temple was now before them, composed of blue shining rocks, many vertical Athenian grooves, some Japanese influence in various curved side overhangs, apparent Reptilian dome and cone roofing style, Grey alien ordered black windows checkered around the entire sanctum, and grey alien style spindly towers rising from the four farthest corners of the building which, if one averts his gaze up, apparently support a great porch in the clouds. Connie beheld this porch in astonishment, and requested words of description for it. One of the wizards simply exclaimed,

“You shall soon find out!”

Turns out the porch was bigger than the threesome thought, for though it appeared as though the towers holding it went straight upwards, they were designed specifically to appear as though they went straight upwards. These towers actually curved ever so gradually outward, and this porch was positively gargantuan, and blatantly in outer space. This porch is where the wizards go to smoke DMT.

When the DMT is smoked on the ground, the soul is taken to the center of the earth where clusters of souls old and young kindle in communion. When the DMT is smoked in outer space, one goes into a terrifically fast orbit around the earth, creating a charge in the body once bursts of spiritual energy catch up to the body and pierce through. The body is charged. The mind is on fire. The soul is in “freefall”, but never makes it. This trip lasts five days.

The threesome were transported to this porch in magnet boots and gas suits. The time was near. Once they felt ready- the DMT would be circulated in their space suits. They looked around and noticed the ambient blue, the darkness of space, and the feeling of helium flesh. They were ready.

Lapis’s Trip

Like glass, the image of the world shattered into hundreds of shards of glass, then into thousands of speckled stars, then into dust. Beyond reality, lay before her a castle of granite. Torch sconces lit with bizarre flames illuminated many goblins. The goblins were dancing and jumping, and their necks stretched and snapped back into place at a rhythmic pace. Lapis was swallowing over and over again bizarre psychedelic fluids. Her body was a soup, no, light. Her ululations were becoming to the goblins. Intrigued, they snapped themselves into place beside her, and started doing some sort of violent dance that made her euphorically cackle. Her mind afire, she joined the dance. She realized now that she was a God. She took pain to create objects with her mind. She kneeled into a ritualistic surf, and pulled suddenly a plasma sword from her throat. The bolt of energy protruding from the hilt waved like a snake. Lapis shouted like a warrior and stabbed the sky with her sword. A bolt of energy went into the atmosphere and broke it into glass shards once again. This time she was in the clouds, though clouds made with the divine, not base matter. What these clouds and air were made of was some sort of pure mathematics and infinity. Continuous, lacking discrete particles whatsoever. The Creator’s head sprang from the infinite reality of the moment onto the scene. In a single instant she flew information into Lapis’s brain.

Connie’s Trip

A pause. Then, suddenly, a dim screaming. It was the sound of humans in apathy. The chorus seemed to grow in both number and amplification. The chorus was growing. Once she heard strange interferences in the noise, rapidly changing and screaming in their own right, becoming in and of themselves entities, Connie crouched toward the ground. Oh pain! Give me pain so that I may learn! Then the noise ceased so abruptly that the comfort was almost painful. The cessation of noise was like the pain of a terrible orgasm, so intense and ear splitting that it causes apathy not through circumstance, but from an absolute perspective. Now she fell gently and slowly, an opiate. She could not see, nor hear, nor formulate a woman holding her, but she was. She was a goddess. Her consciousness ran towards the flesh of her tits. It was a delight, and all of her being was pounding through its limits, transcending to kiss her own soul. She was blue colored. She smiled as Connie’s eyes met hers. Her gentle womanhood turned into a determined, noble soul and she advanced. The moment touched upon eternity. Connie reached and grabbed her shoulder, and at this moment she looked her in the eye like a confused rodent. This Connie adored. “A poem first, my love.”

“Ah! Mmmm. Oh yeah baby!”

“What spheres, sisters of the moon, pull the tides of the soul?

What red dab indicated a violent tug from God’s brush?

Her eyes that do lull,

Her lips that so hush.

What mass of detail defiantly reached after her soul in sleep?

What domes of lust turn pink with ale?

Her hair that makes me weep,

Her cheeks that sacred burial mounds in comparison doth pale.

What meek little shape of flesh picks up the vibe?

What tender enunciation against the starry night?

Her nose that probes a gentle bribe,

Her neck that rises to tame my fight.

What globes hang from a mighty purse nailed to a wall of delight?

What poundcake quivers at the brush of my callused, evil hands?

Her breasts that caused my soul a light,

Her belly the great beast that shakes these lands.

I am but a fool compared to thee!”

With that they began violent sex. The whites of her eyes showed to her that eternity poured into her mind, through her stomach, through her eventually. She too began to look like a righteous zombie. Connie, out of breath, struggled to get out these words- “A poem to sex!-

The destruction of the earth is at hand!

A beam of light splits my mind in half!!

I am now righteous as your soul brings my body to sleep!!!

Cursed be nothingness!!!!

A light brings my brain...into...power!!!!!

I am Zablewgonad!!!!!!”

Connie started screaming. From her mouth, shockingly, arose the chorus of apathy heard earlier. But now it was welcomed. This time it was louder than reality, and brought her utter bliss. Infinity was at hand. Suddenly her heart sank. She was being ripped away by reality. She exclaimed, “Come back for me!!!!!!”

“I shall fuck you again!!!!!! Harder!!!!!!”

Steven’s Trip

Machines. Machines everywhere. Is this a dream? Suddenly a robot jumped into him. Steven was frightened. He was not controlling his body. Suddenly the scene of the great porch passed onto the right of him as the real Steven turned around. He was on the computer the whole time? Then who IS Steven? “He” scrambled around the room, fearful and sobbing. Suddenly the advanced computer room passed onto the right of him as he turned from the magnetic resonance brain signal interpreter. Steven was screaming. The scream destroyed reality, and his- soul he guesses- God knows what the hell anything means anymore- tumbled forward in a space that wasn’t space. Then this space spiraled into a mathematical point and inverted itself into the inverse world. He then sprang into reality, yet everything was reversed.

Connie got punched in the face by a cyborg. While she was seeing stars, and while Steven and Lapis were seeing empathic stars, the cyborg proclaimed, “I am Killquest, pleased to meet you.” KIllquest was approximately seven feet tall with a slight resemblance to the “Somewhere in Space” Edward, the Steel Maiden mascot- only meaner. As he looked steven in the eye in anticipation for a response, it was if his bionic eyebrow was raised. Then weedo sternly spoke up.

“What has happened while I was gone?!”

“None of your business old fart.”

“I guess you could say I’m proud of my old age; you see, half of you hasn’t even lasted, and how old might you be? Scarcely any older than forty, and you won’t last the rest of the night if you continue to compromise the safety of my colleagues.”

“You best hold your tongue you stale old Munchoe. Do you know who I am?”

“Yes. An immature and rambunctious fool.”

“Guess again.”

“A naive and annoying pest.”

“Wrong. I am Killquest. And I am here to kill you.”

“Who sent you?”

“Admiral Bloodborn.”

“Well he must not care about you.”

With that, weedo started casting telepathy spells at the cyborg. It was a strange experience for Weedo to overpower the mechanical side of his enemy using only the biological. Is Killquest’s brain also part robot? To this Weedo was certain. Weedo started sending messages of sadness, depression, and doubt into Killquest.

I am a big idiot! What am I doing on this planet all by myself! This wizard is too powerful for me! BEWARE OF MALFUNCTION. COMPUTE. FIND LIMITS IN THE TARGET. Computation is growing too difficult for me! I used to get bullied in school! THOSE DAYS ARE GONE. FOCUS NOW. OBEY ADMIRAL BLOODBORN. Why does Admiral Bloodborn treat me like a dog? Am I only a slave to him?! ONLY A LITTLE LONGER AND YOU CAN PLEASE ADMIRAL BLOODBORN INTO COMPLACENCY. THEN STRIKE HIM WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT AND TAKE HIS ELEMENT BALLS TO HEAL YOUR BODY.

In reading the robotic thoughts, Weedo got a cunning idea. But this spell would be difficult. In essence, Weedo would have to send whole memories into Killquest’s head of him killing the entire party and completing his mission. Killquest would then perhaps kill Admiral Bloodborn. Weedo did so, but the spell was so powerful that he remotely ejaculated upon its completion.

Powerful Lust

Weedo was in his study. He smelled fresh weed, then he remembered he was smoking weed. He remembered an article from earlier that morning. “Government declares weed has no medicinal value yet again. Suck my dick!” he said aloud to himself. “You give someone more time than they give you? Why? Whatever hole is in your life, those people sure as fuck ain't gonna fill it. Shit on them! Stop waiting for something to happen! Cut out all the pieces of shit who are sucking you dry… It's called give and take. Some people only TAKE. So tell them to fuck off! It wasn't until I split with my first wife that I realized Led Zeppelin II is more than just one of the hottest batches of thick, sexy blues rock put to record. It's a concept album. Hear me out, lovers of all things rock - the prevailing theme throughout each track is being a fucking man and making your own way. Not depending on anything or anyone for your happiness except your goddamn self. Some two-timing gal broke your heart? You let it happen, bud. You keep on ramblin'. Through times both good and bad, you gotta keep searching. Searching for love, happiness, prosperity, knowledge - Zep were seekers. They might have sold their souls to black magic and heroin in the end, but in their fresh days they were wide-eyed lads with an insatiable hunger. They set out to take over the world, and they fucking did it. Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love…” Weedo continued, to himself. He didn’t know that Connie was listening. Weedo turned to her, alarmed. Connie quickly said, “No worries bud. I feel your pain.”

“Hmm.”

“I just came to request apprenticeship on the ways of your psychic ability”

Weedo paused.

“Answer exactly as your gut would have it.”

“You just said it.”

“What?”

“You just learned the ways of magic. You just need a way of polishing…”

“Forgive me. I simply don’t ‘get it’”

“Simply get it! Just… ah um.”

Connie slapped herself in the head. Her first lesson began.

Peedee gets a dildo

Lars straightened his tie.

“Peedee, I need you to run some numbers for me”

“What is it sir?”

“The element ball, the ones those men procured, how far has it traveled?”

Peedees fingers typed like, uh, like a race horse.

“Lars… it appears their ship… well… no this cant be right….”

“Out with it you fucking cock sucker bitch”

Peedee turned the his computer monitor to show Lars. A puzzled look came across Lars’ face. He cleaned his glasses on his shirt and took a closer look, as if he couldnt believe what he was seeing.

“I cant believe what im seeing!”

“Me neither Dr. Lars… it is… perplexing…”

“This much be a glitch… Peedee have you defragmented the solid state magnets?”

“Of course sir… like i do every morning… i even took apart and cleaned out the dust inside the cyber cube battery.”

“Wow really? … then theres no way this can be wrong….”

“I keep refreshing the page and it stays the same.”

“If what were reading is true….then their spaceship is…. Right above us?”

“That appears to be correct… let me see if turning the computer on and off again fixes it”

Lars scratched his chin and walked to the window. Frustrated, he opened the window and took a look outside, finding it hard to believe the element ball could be right over his head. As he craned his neck out the window, the spaceship crashed into Peedees office, ramming itself right up his ass. Connie stepped out of the ship, element ball in one hand, laser gun in the other.

“Looking for this? :y”

Lars was furious, and Peedee was screaming in pain.

“You fools would be smart to turn over what doesnt belong to you!”

“Ok”

With that, Connie threw the ball really hard and hit Lars in the nuts.

“Hows that for element ball lol”

Lars was doubled over in pain holding his nuts, and Connie took a shit on Lars’ head. Then she shot him.

“Thatll teach that bastard”

Connies attention was drawn to a scream coming from where they had landed their ship.

“Oh sorry, looks like we got our ship up your ass”

“Please... help….”

“Hmm… steven… Lapis… little help here?”

The three tried their hardest to pull Peedee free, but they couldnt, because it was too far up his butt hahahah

“Oh well, leave him there, it looks kind of funny lol”

And with that they left.

Silent Hills

“All done. How do you feel?” asked Greg. Peedee was rigged with an oxygen machine and an intestine redirection. He was now in fusion with the Hawk, a literal figurehead of the ship. BADLY was the text that appeared on the Hawk communications screen. Greg waved his hand as a gesture to waft away the negativity. “All done boys. You’re welcome.” But Greg saw a look of malcontent on their faces as they stood at the ship’s entrance. “What… what’s wrong.”

“Why in the hell is there biological muck on the inside of our ship.”

“That’s a natural consequence of keeping Peedee alive. His lifeforce spread throughout the ship. His guts are stuffed in the boiler room, out of your way. You’ll literally be inside him, you see. He will consume asteroids of his own accord.”

“We are not happy with this business.”

“Because you are ignorant. Where’s the fuel tank?”

“We don’t know. Good fucking point. What have you done to our ship?!”

“‘Your ship’? Oh bud, that’s Peedee. He says he’ll go by Hawk Peedee. And as I was saying, now asteroids are all that’s needed to refuel. Now, about that ball…”

“Enough Greg.”

Steven was typing away on the computers keyboard, familiarizing himself with the ships new consciousness.

“Enough?!”

Greg was incredulous.

“You know how much it costs to reroute a mans nervous system into-“

In one swift motion Steven pulled a test tube from his pocket and dangled it in front of Greg face, almost as if to taunt him.

“This is what you wanted right? Bromos?”

Greg was mesmerized by the glowing bluish purple gas in the test tube. His man breasts hung as he watched the gas swirl around the test tube. However to Greg, if there’s one thing more important than bromos, its money to get more bromos. He shook his fat face to snap himself out of the trance and looked Steven in the eye.

“Th-the deal was!-“

“The deal was we get you bromos in exchange for ship repair.”

“That’s not how I remember it! You specifically stated an unused element ball!!! And connecting a man to your ship goes far beyond a simple pit stop! This isn’t a gas station! Ive got mouths to feed!”

“Your green bromo addicted Apprentice? Maybe you should learn how to share your food better… you seem to not be going hungry…”

Steven chuckled and poked Greg in his man tits to taunt him. Greg slapped away stevens hand and got red in the face.

“Ive got a gland disorder!”

“Oh?”

“And besides that! You specifically stated an unused element ball!”

“And whats a man of your health going to be doing absorbing an element ball? The thing would tear you to shreds.”

“I… I don’t intend to absorb it! I simply want to… rel-“

At this steven laughed

“Don’t tell me… relocate? Youre planning on selling something this powerful to the highest bidder? For what? So you can spend it on pizza and bromos? “

“Youre telling me you never intended on paying me?!”

Greg had tears in his eyes. Steven sighed and shook his head.

“You failed the test Greg. You blew it, from the start I thought you might be in this for selfish reasons but… well, it was disappointing to be proven right. I was hopeful that you had some greater plans for an unused element ball but… I guess that’s what I get for being optimistic.”

“B-but…”

“Connie… please escort this man off the ship… Peedee keeps sending me pain signals… Greg is… heavy…”

Connie put her hand on Greg’s shoulder. Greg’s disappointment turned to anger as he turned around and pushed Connie away.

“You wont get away with this!!”

Steven simply shook his head and turned away. Connie punched Greg in the back of the head and began to drag him off the ship.

“Oh and Connie, don’t forget his payment.”

“Ah”

Connie picked up the bag of bromos and took it with her. Steven turned to the monitor as the doors shut behind Connie.

“Now… lets get you talking..”

With a few quick keystrokes Steven downloaded a voice synthesis program from the space internet and loaded it into Peedees mainframe.

“How’s that work for you Peedee, can you hear me?”

A robotic voice came from the speakers.

“It hurts…”

“In pain? Wonder if there’s a way to shut that off… hmm no… you shouldn’t be feeling anything Peedee, your nerve endings are off right now.”

“My ass… my ass hurts…. “

Steven chuckled

“Nonsense, its all in your head, a phantom pain. Should go away after you get used to this, sucks but hey, it just lets you know you’ve got a bit of your humanity left.”

“What do you mean? Humanity? Where am I? Where is Lars?”

“Lars is dead, you’ve been transformed into a… cyborg… of sorts…”

“Cyborg?”

“Well… you’re more of a decoration for our ship… you’ve not got much control, but for all intents and purposes, you’re our ship now.”

“I see…”

“Welcome aboard… Hawk Peedee…”

“Jesus Christ.... Is this even real?!”

“Yes sir. Reality is painful.”

The Pains of Reality

Connie looked particularly miffed. She spoke up. “Peedee won’t stop sobbing!”

“He’s undergone a rough transformation…” said Steven.

“Ah yes. He’ll never have a life, a wife, or kids.”

“Actually… Greg arranged for his children, as a passing gesture of kindness. A wife however? She’d be quite bizarre… But hey! Remember that girl from psychology class that was in love with the Eiffel Tower?”

“I see where you’re going with this…”

“Yep. Wanna find Peedee a wife?”

“Strangely, yes.”

“Ok, lets find an asylum planet.”

So off the threesome, ah yes, foursome went. To Zherghaba-z. They conversed with many women there… many rejections, yet they found a girl called Sadie. Sadie was surprisingly hot, and she didn’t care that Peedee was a spaceship at all. She was what the asylum committee called “too smart and radical for her age.” And her age was 20, a lucious lass indeed. She also suffered from “chronic sexual compulsions.” Long story short, she had to use a dildo in her cell over 20 times a day. Good thing there was a console in the back with Peedee’s dick intact, on a pedestal in fact.

Peedee vibrated the ship from then on, 10 times a day, shivering with ecstasy from having his sensory modules amplified. The other 10 times was split unevenly between the threesome. Needless to say, the ship started to reek of hormones. The whole crew started smoking cartons of cigarettes to cope with the smell of fish and wet dog. And the crew noticed tumors welling up on the inside of the ship as a result of this- although Peedee barely noticed since we was too busy shivering in ecstasy. He couldn’t quite maintain his dignity-

“You guys are the best! Did I ever get laid in a body? Nope! Who needs one?”

“That’s the spirit Peedee. We must improvise in life. A bit of this and a bit of that. A bit of Bromos, a bit of cigarette.”

The whole crew was looking more and more disheveled. They couldn’t quite discern what kind of trance they were in, but they were surely in one. Here’s a hint, dear reader- this was no ordinary girl. She seemed to suck the life out of the crew- for at a glance they were looking more and more negligent. What they didn’t know is she used to be a parapsychology specialist… and she hungered for the balls. No, the other ones.

Giant Rodophontaleus and the Escape to Ghondalob

Sadie finished swallowing. Peedee recited a poem for the descent from the heights of ecstasy.

“Bulbous protrusions brush my insides

Tickled with the faint footsteps

Of an angel.

Lips of Dionysus wreak havoc on the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Breasts that springly leap

From the squeeze of the latex zipped shirt.

As you ready the saddle of your monumental moment of naive prodding image

The ship at space rocks with chaos.”

Lapis started sarcastically clapping and walking in on the scene. She was not happy. She sensed something amiss.

“A bit of privacy, Lapis?”

“Privacy? Ridiculous.”

“Hmm?”

“I am inside you.”

“Ah yes.”

“Sadie, I’ve got my eyes on you.”

This distressed Sadie. Does he know?

The Golobranchielios

I pooped my pants. My name is Golobranchielios. I come from Ziergobrehliebrieskielos. I’m a poor man, but what I make is well-earned. What do I do for a living, you ask? I sell bromos. Shh, don’t tell nobody. I’m about to sell to Connie and Lapis. But this bromos is poisoned. I’m getting big money for this.

The Rage

Connie took a sniff from the bag. Her eyebrow perked up. She stared into the bag for a period of time which distressed Golobranchielios. She impulsively sniffed it again. This caused Golobranchielios to wince and act ahead of himself, so he yelled out, “I said, that will be fifty galaxos!” This was just the que Connie needed. She knew something was very wrong. But she has a plan to take out two birds with one bromos.

“Sadie!” yelled Connie.

“Yes, babe?”

“I’ve got a salesman here, wantin’ more than we’re willing to give. But we’re willing to trade.”

“Oh please! Don’t do this! I love Peedee!”

“Oh, Sadie. Please. I meant sex. I thought you spoke one language alone!”

“Ah. That’s more like it.”

But one look at Golobranchielios and she thought it was more hate it. He’s an ugly bastard.

“But, Sadie, the great threesome only sells used goods. Golobranchielios, would you please excuse us?”

“I-I don’t even know what’s going on. Do what you’re gonna do.” replied Golobranchielios.

Connies face was close to the budding rose. It smells of the faintest sea breeze. Then he sailed the seas of vitality. She groaned as he and she felt groan through their bodies. The ache of destruction grabbed their muscles and squeezed the lemon. The nerf hit the target, and the subtle sound of a pig barn roared through the ship. The moment of the first vital drop of black coffee hitting the bottom of the pot. The fresh influx of messengers through the body when greeted by the morning cold. Then Connie exploded. And the ship disembarked. In an instant, the earth, and cares, were delicate and spindly. As they should be.

Connie came back out, and everybody turned around as if they were waiting. Golobranchielios had his finger on his chin as if he was trying to stop himself from distressing. Connie poofed the edge of his tuxedo. He felt swag.

“The whore is used. Your turn. But first, I think you should know that there is but one condition for Sadie to have sex with a stranger. She always wants to get both fucked in the anus and vagina at the same time. And considering that there is none here willing to partake, besides maybe yourself, a “dildo” will do just fine, would it not?”

“Fine, I just want to cum!” Golobranchielios was getting a feeling of exponential bizarrity.

“Ok, good. Let me show y’all to your dildo. You get the ass, by the way.”

“I prefer anus!” Connie raised her brow.

Connie pointed to Peedee’s dick. She then whispered to Sadie, “I’m counting on you.”

While Sadie, Peedee and Golobranchielios were fucking, Connie injected bromos, which acts as a potent aphrodisiac as a side effect, into the walls of the Hawk while sporting a devilish grin. Peedee became so massive that he crushed Golobranchielios, who bled to death soon afterwards. Then Peedee, in turn, exploded. As for Sadie, she was basically elastic. Though Steven later commented on the length of her neck… So, Connies plan of taking out two birds with one stone was a success. Peedee knew about the plan, and being tired of his inability for a real relationship, had Connie use artificial insemination. He wanted to pass on his legacy. And that, dear readers, no doubt will happen.

Greg Peedee

“Wahhh.”

“I’m so glad I have a son. I hope he doesn’t look down on his father.”

Sadie, holding young Greg, looked up at the speaker.

“Surely not, Peedee. You’ve had… quite a legacy.”

“That’s right, now that you mention it… Say, why don’t we rename this ship… “The Legacy!”

Devil Dick

Zaga was pooping. He heard a knock on his door.

“Dont come in, im pooping”

The door opened anyways.

“Zaga, weve recovered Jamie, youre going to want to see this.”

Zaga squeezed out his shit and left the bathroom without wiping his ass. He opened the door to find a gay looking man in a wheelchair wearing a stern expression. It was his subordinate, the infamous Lars Lars.

“Sorry, i was pooping. Whats this then?”

“Jamie sir, hes alive”

Zaga raised an eyebrow and began to walk down the hallway with Lars.

“I sure hope you’ve been wise enough to wipe his brain Lars. I dont want to end up in a wheelchair like you.”

Lars looked down as flashbacks of getting fucked by jamie shook him to his core. The beast had been let loose on Lars for an element ball scam gone wrong, his own coworker turned against him, fucking him in the ass for a whole day before Lars was able to get the upper hand and shoot Jamie in the chest. He was lucky to be alive, however the accident had left Lars paralyzed.

“Restraints were… ineffective once we pieced his brain together and he regained full consciousness Lord Zaga... “

“Regained consciousness? Isn’t that what we have sedatives for?”

“He was metabolizing them at an alarming rate, doctors say he was pissing it out as they pumped it in”

“My god.”

“Indeed. It really begs the question…”

“What the fuck were they doing to him on that ship? Running experiments on him?”

“Not likely sir, the crew aboard the hawk appears to only specialize in engineering, they're not stupid but I certainly wouldn’t call them biologists.”

“Then what the fuck happened to him?”

“Based on old intel on the crew sir, the answer appears to be… LOTS of drug parties, also some sort of training regiment…”

“You mean to tell me jamie became this monster out of sheer willpower? What the hell did you find in his blood? Any type of steroids or…”

“No sir. Nothing in his blood but large amounts of bromohydrin. Also an intense amphetamine known as… zaka… you uh, you snort it….”

“No doubt that played a role in his “training”, but still… zaka alone doesnt make a man into this…”

“Thats all we found sir… aside from habanero seeds in his stool….”

Lord Zaga was pissed and frustrated. He stopped to ponder what kind of men he was up against and punched a wall because he was so pissed.

“God damnit Lars! If these men are anything like Jamie… FUCK!”

“I agree sir. Were fucked.”

“And these men have the majority of the element balls?”

“We’re simply not sure. Theres a good chance they have at least one.”

“Jesus Lars…. At least one?”

“I know sir I know… the damage they could cause…”

The two arrived to the cell where Jamie was being kept. He was naked and rubbing his shit on the walls. His head was bandaged up and covered in specks of poop and blood. Jamie noticed the two men from the window and made a face similar to that of an angry chimpanzee. He pounded the ground with his fists and began to charge at the window and beat on the glass. His loud screams penetrated the thick walls of his containment cell.

“How the fuck are we supposed to get any information out of this thing?”

Just then, Lars’ phone rang, and zaga grabbed it from him.

“Who is this?”

“It is I, killquest.”

Zaga dropped the phone.

#steven universe #fanfic

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