#the fact that this all finally processed in the brain yesterday. on valentine’s day. love loses!! lets gooo!!!!

[seaquestions]

i dont know how it took me this long to fully come to terms with it but. im literally just aro. or something to that effect.

[thesewordsareallihavetogive]

no body, no crime - allison argent x reader

(gif source)

Summary: When y/n disappears after confronting her husband about his affair, Allison takes matters into her own hands. Based on “no body, no crime (feat. HAIM)” by taylor swift [x]. You can find the mood board for this fic here

Word Count: 4.4k

Warnings: cursing, infidelity, implied kidnapping, implied murder, murder, alleged murder, alleged/implied death of reader, reader is married to a man with a j name 🤢

a/n: hi everyone! it’s been a hot minute since i posted a new fic & this is why. i’ve been working on this since late december of 2020, so this is the longest i’ve ever spent on a stand-alone work. i’ll include more gory details about the writing process at the end if you’re interested :)

dedicated to: elle (@demxters) for all of her help and ideas! this fic literally wouldn’t have gotten finished without her, send her some love <3

this is also dedicated to caoimhe (@free-pool-trash​) for not murdering me after i gave her a preview several weeks ago and then just ✨stopped writing✨

master list

Este's a friend of mine

We meet up every Tuesday night for dinner and a glass of wine

“Hey!” Allison greeted cheerily as she met y/n at their usual table tucked in the corner of their favorite restaurant. y/n returned the brunette’s smile as she stood up to hug her friend, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Allison saw through y/n’s facade and furrowed her eyebrows. “What’s wrong?” she asked as concern spread across her features.

“I think Justin is having an affair,” y/n admitted. The statement dropped like a bomb between the two women, causing Allison to nearly spew the wine in her mouth all over the table. She coughed a few times and drank some water to clear her throat before she composed herself enough to ask questions.

“What happened? Did you see something?” Allison asked hesitantly. Her mind was still reeling from the mere concept of y/n’s husband cheating on her. Sure, Justin had never been Allison’s favorite guy, but it was normal for girls to think that no guy would ever be good enough for their best friend. Right? 

Her husband's acting different and it smells like infidelity

She says, "That ain't my merlot on his mouth"

"That ain't my jewelry on our joint account"

y/n explained what had been going on over the past few weeks. Justin had been acting distant, which wasn’t too abnormal, but when he started coming home from work much later than his shifts ended and disappearing at odd hours of the night, y/n got concerned. The day that she had planned to approach him about everything and ask if anything was wrong, she got a call from her bank while driving home from work.

“Hi Mrs. y/l/n, this is Kathy from the bank. I’m calling to inform you that there have been a few large cash withdrawals from your joint account recently under your husband’s name, as well as a pretty expensive purchase yesterday at the jeweler,” the rest of Kathy’s words sounded muffled to y/n. It was nowhere near her birthday, Valentine’s day, or their anniversary, so y/n didn’t know what he could possibly be spending all their money on.

The next incident came a few days later when both y/n and Justin were home. y/n’s husband was in the shower and his phone buzzed with a new text message alert. Typically, y/n was never the type to snoop on her husband’s phone, but she figured she should check in case it was a work message. At least that’s how she justified it in her head. Justin had saved the sender’s number under the contact name “Spam Risk.” It was clever, y/n had to give him credit for that at least. Upon further inspection, y/n quickly realized that those texts weren’t sent from a telemarketer bot.

6:24 p.m.   I can’t wait to see you tonight, baby - Spam Risk

6:25 p.m.   Don’t keep me waiting too long ;) - Spam Risk

y/n thought the messages were strange, but the picture that followed the messages was definitely what threw y/n for a loop. There, on her husband’s text message thread, was a racy photo of a woman’s body that definitely wasn’t hers. y/n was quite literally stunned to silence as she dropped the phone back down onto the dresser. For the rest of the night, y/n was numb and quiet, not that Justin noticed. Then, like clockwork, he left the house at 11 p.m. with no explanation of where he was going or when he would be back.

By the end of y/n’s story, Allison’s mouth was open so wide she was sure her jaw would hit the table. 

“What are you going to do?” Allison whispered, still in shock. y/n grimaced before clearing her throat and speaking her next words with finality.

No, there ain't no doubt

I think I'm gonna call him out

Este wasn't there

Tuesday night at Olive Garden at her job or anywhere

“Hi, there should be a reservation for two under Allison Argent or y/n y/l/n for tonight,” Allison greeted warmly as she approached the hostess stand at their go-to girl’s night restaurant.

“Right this way, ma’am,” the hostess said with a smile as she grabbed two menus and led her towards their usual table. Two menus. That must mean that y/n wasn’t there yet? Allison thought it was strange, y/n almost always was the first of the two to arrive. Allison brushed off the thought as she thanked the hostess and sat down. She had intended to look over the menu, but the strangeness of it all wouldn’t leave her mind. y/n was late. She was never late. Allison pulled out her phone to text her best friend, and it then occurred to her that she hadn’t heard from y/n since last week. Allison had been away on a “work” trip with her dad for the past six days and had just gotten back into town. After 30 minutes of sitting at the table alone, half a dozen unanswered text messages, and even more calls sent straight to voicemail, Allison dropped a few bills on the table and left.

As Allison pulled out of the parking lot, she turned on the radio in a futile attempt to drown out some of her racing thoughts. Between songs the radio host took to the mic to make an announcement.

“Hello Beacon Hills, we now interrupt your regularly scheduled listening with an urgent message from the Sheriff's department. Speaking now is Sheriff Noah Stilinski,” the host trailed off before there was a brief crackle as the audio transitioned to the Sheriff’s press briefing. Allison turned up the volume as the Sheriff’s voice carried across the radio.

“Thank you all for attending and tuning in. It is with great displeasure and a heavy heart that I inform you all that y/n y/l/n has been reported missing. Shortly after 8 a.m. this morning, we were informed by her husband that she didn’t show up for work yesterday morning and also didn’t come home last night,” Sheriff Stilinski continued speaking but it all began to sound like white noise to Allison. It took everything she had in her to focus on not veering off the road so that she could head to the Sheriff’s station and speak to Stilinski in person. 

Conveniently, her route took her right past y/n and Justin’s house. Allison didn’t know what to expect as she sped by their house, but the fact that Justin’s normally filthy truck had been cleaned and waxed definitely caught her eye. The truck and driveway were soon out of sight due to the speed she was driving at, but at first glance, it looked as though his tires and grill had been replaced.

He reports his missing wife

And I noticed when I passed his house his truck has got some brand new tires

About a week had passed since y/n had been reported missing. Allison wasn’t sure how many search parties had been held, but they all resulted in the same thing: nothing. There wasn’t a single trace of her best friend, in fact, everything in Beacon Hills looked completely unchanged and normal. Allison’s focus and appetite seemed to have left with her other half, try as she might to desperately hold onto them. Her marksmanship had even been affected, something that hadn’t happened since high school.

Allison started driving around town during her free time. She wasn’t headed anywhere in particular, she mostly did it to try to clear her mind, though most times she was unsuccessful. She’d been mindlessly taking right and left turns and before she realized where she was, she passed y/n’s house.

Allison hadn’t planned to slow down as she passed the house, it was a mindless act if anything. Seeing a moving truck backed up to the house while Justin and some unfamiliar blonde woman were unloading boxes ensured that her decision to park her car where it couldn’t be seen and spy on the pair wasn’t mindless. Despite her gut telling her not to, Allison decided to give Justin the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he needed a roommate now since y/n couldn’t pay her share of the rent? Allison tried her best to keep all of her judgments and suspicions at bay as she watched the otherwise uneventful event unfold while biting her fingernails. 

A few boxes later, Justin pulled the blonde in by her waist and kissed her with a fervor that would make most people blush. Allison’s eyes nearly popped out of her head as she sat there in shock with her mouth wide open. It took a while, mostly because the kiss lasted for an obnoxious amount of time, but Allison finally regained control of her body. It was like her brain had to go through a hard reset before she was able to face the reality of the situation.

y/n was right. Justin was cheating on her. Not only that, but Justin had cheated on y/n, spent less than a week grieving her disappearance, then allowed this to happen.

And his mistress moved in

Sleeps in Este's bed and everything

Allison found out that Justin Smith’s mistress’s name was Rebecca Baker. She was a few years younger than y/n and she worked at the same company as Justin. It didn’t take long for Allison to hack into both of their iCloud accounts. A few hours of scrolling later she was really regretting her decision, especially when she got to Justin’s messages to Rebecca about y/n.

2:47 a.m.  What about your wife? - Spam Risk

2:47 a.m.  What about her? - Justin

2:48 a.m.  Are you going to leave her or kick her out or something? - Spam Risk

2:48 a.m.  It’s been taken care of. - Justin

2:48 a.m.  Taken care of? Justin, what does that mean? - Spam Risk

2:49 a.m.  Justin??? - Spam Risk

Each new message ensured that bits of Allison’s fingernails had been gnawed off while her left hand fidgeted anxiously in front of her mouth. Allison decided that those messages were probably the most incriminating thing she’d find digitally, but the time and date stamps caught her eye. The texts were sent early Monday morning, the day that y/n allegedly left home and then didn’t show up for work or return home. 

A chill spread from deep within Allison’s bones up to the surface of her skin, making goosebumps appear. Allison didn’t know what exactly, but she knew something terrible had happened to y/n and Justin had something to do with it. She shut her laptop a little harder than necessary as a resolved look spread across her face.

No, there ain't no doubt

Somebody's gotta catch him out

Good thing my daddy made me get a boating license when I was fifteen

Allison regularly accessed her personal armory, whether it was to prepare for a job or pack for a trip to the shooting range, but it had been a while since a powerful and unforgiving feeling hung over her shoulders. Allison carefully ran her fingers over her custom silver arrowheads as she considered her options. Her father’s words from one of her adolescent archery lessons rung in her head.

“The type of bow and arrows you use doesn’t matter. As long as you use them right, you’ll be able to make any shot. Don’t get hung up on the technicalities.”

Not too long after, her bag was stocked with her essentials: a bow, her trusted black leather archery glove, as well as a handful of arrows, though these ones lacked the silver heads she typically reserved for more exotic expeditions.

The rare dark clouds in the California sky at sunset were reflected in Allison’s cold eyes. The drive to her target’s house was familiar, the turns she made were almost instinctual. Normally these roads reminded her of her coffee dates with y/n and nights they spent talking for hours until sunlight crept through the windows. Now, her mind was blank and her heart was devoid of all emotion.

Even though Allison had disabled her car’s GPS earlier, she parked her car about a mile away from his house. When she was done, there wouldn’t be any evidence that could be traced back to her. She memorized his schedule; at 5:00 p.m. his shift ended and recently he’d been getting home by 5:20. His girlfriend got home sometime between 5:30 and 5:45, but she would leave for her pilates class around 6:30 and wouldn’t get home until 7:45. Allison had just over an hour window to get the job done, but it wouldn’t take that long. If everything went according to plan, she’d be off the property within a few minutes of taking the shot.

When she arrived her target had just come home from work and was alone in the house. She waited patiently, hidden by the trees that the property backed up to. She watched as he moved around through the open curtains and then as his girlfriend entered the house and kissed him with a passion that made Allison’s stomach churn. She watched as they ate dinner together, as her target’s girlfriend got ready for her gym class, and watched as she got in her car and drove away. When Allison checked her watch it was only 6:25 p.m., she had far more time than she needed.

The plan was simple, really. Under the cover of darkness, she’d flip the breakers, effectively cutting the power. When her target came out to investigate, she’d let him fumble around in the darkness for a while. He’d always been a paranoid individual, so it wouldn’t take much to get him on edge. A rustle in the bushes here, a small snapped tree branch there, and then something that would get his attention. Allison wanted his eyes to be on her when she took the shot.

Allison’s target was watching TV so he knew immediately when the power went out, plus the fact that the once illuminated house was suddenly bathed in darkness. The high-pitched yelp that escaped his throat almost made Allison laugh. She had to keep quiet though, at least for now. As expected, the dopey man scurried around to the side of the house where the breakers were located in no time. The batteries in the flashlight he held were on their last leg, that much was evident in the way the light beam flickered every few seconds.

Just as he opened the door to the circuit breaker panel, Allison moved. A rustle here. The sound practically echoed in the silence of the night, causing the man to whip around and shine his flashlight directly at the source of the noise. There was nothing there. It’s just the wind, he reasoned before getting back to work. After a few switches had been flipped - none of them for the outdoor lights - he heard another noise. This one was much louder than the last, a small snapped tree branch there. Again, the flashlight’s flickering light beam uncovered nothing, but it was enough to make all of the hairs on the back of Allison’s target’s neck stand up straight. He hastily flipped the rest of the breakers and the outdoor lights finally came on. 

When yellow light from the backyard fixtures flooded the area, both Allison and her target were revealed. Allison stood a considerable distance away from the man, but she was close enough to see the blood drain from his face and his Adam's apple bob. When his eyes darted to the bow hung by her side, realization dawned on his face. He began to turn away with the intention of running, but Allison’s voice held him frozen in place.

“Don’t move,” she ordered quietly without any aggression behind her tone. Her face wasn’t threatening, she just looked calm and focused. Allison’s smooth features and peaceful expression was what scared the man the most.

“I- I’m sorry- I didn’t-” he stammered out, his arms and legs beginning to tremble.

“Shh,” Allison chastised as she raised her bow, loading it with an arrow. Her fingers moved with precision, her muscles knew this routine well.

“Please don’t- no, you can’t, you can’t do this!” the man pleaded. He wasn’t above begging on his knees, but Allison wasn’t about to give him the chance. Her gaze was sharply focused on her target, the view of her tightly grasped bow in her peripheral vision.

“Nous chassons ceux qui nous chassent.”

When Allison’s fingers let go of the bowstring the arrow flew smoothly through the air. The only sounds heard were the arrowhead piercing skin and the man wordlessly falling to the ground. The arrow went straight through his heart. Maybe Allison’s shot landed right where she intended. Maybe there was a metaphor in there. Allison checked her wristwatch, the numbers 6:45 shining back at her. An entire hour to spare.

Time to take out the trash.

I've cleaned enough houses to know how to cover up a scene

The job didn’t take long at all and it was definitely one of Allison’s least challenging ones, but it still felt nice to take a hot shower and sit in front of her fireplace with a cup of tea. The fire served a dual purpose; the crackles of the burning wood soothed her like a lullaby while the flames licked around and destroyed her bloody clothes from earlier. All of her equipment had been cleaned and put away, positioned exactly as it had been before. Everything was the same, nothing changed or out of place. There was just one less heartbeat in the world that night.

Good thing Este's sister's gonna swear she was with me

On the second day of the trial,  Rebecca Baker’s lawyers were throwing whatever they could against the wall to see if something would stick. That morning they began to argue that Allison Argent might’ve abducted and murdered Justin Smith in retaliation for y/n’s disappearance. It was all speculation at best, but the theory unfortunately made sense to the jury. Before things could get too far, the prosecution called its first witness of the day to the stand.

“Mrs. Martin, where were you on the night of Mr. Smith’s suspected disappearance?” the prosecution lawyer questioned calmly. 

“I was with Allison at my house. We were having a girls night in, you can check my security cameras,” Lydia answered confidently. Lydia still had a pocketful of favors from her MIT days, so when the jurors were shown the clips from Lydia’s home security cameras, they saw exactly what they would’ve expected based on Lydia’s testimony. 

Truth be told, Lydia didn’t know anything about what happened that night; including Allison’s whereabouts and any details related to Justin’s alleged demise. All she knew was that Allison called and asked for a simple favor - an alibi for just a few hours. Lydia didn’t ask questions and Allison didn’t give answers.

Good thing his mistress took out a big life insurance policy

On the third day of the trial, Rebecca Baker took the stand. Her lawyers tried to help her as best they could, but the prosecution was ruthless. All of the evidence was circumstantial at best -  all parties, including the judge and jurors, knew that - but it was enough to make everyone reconsider the spotless image the defense had tried to create for Ms. Baker.

“Ms. Baker, is it true that you knowingly engaged in a romantic relationship while Justin Smith was married to and living with his wife?” another one of the prosecution’s attorneys began.

“Yes,” Rebecca replied meekly. Allison internally scoffed from her seat in the gallery. She found irony in the fact that Rebecca didn’t find any humility or shame in sleeping with another woman’s husband until she was under oath.

“Is it also true that within approximately a week of Mrs. y/l/n’s disappearance, you moved into Mr. Smith and Mrs. y/l/n’s house?”

“That is correct,” Rebecca said as she began to wring her hands together anxiously. The judge tapped his wrist watch and shot a stern look towards the prosecutor. The man nodded in response and continued to his final points.

“I’ll wrap up my questions for you, Ms. Baker. Can you confirm that shortly after moving in with Mr. Smith, multiple legal and financial arrangements and adjustments were made? And these new arrangements make you the sole beneficiary of Mr. Smith’s life issuance policy, assets, and investments?”

By the end of the prosecution’s final question, every jury member and spectator sat up straighter and waited to hear Rebecca’s response with bated breath. The blonde ball of nerves sighed defeatedly before turning to face the attorney directly as she answered his question.

“Yes, that’s true.”

“No further questions, your honor.” As the lead prosecutor returned to the plaintiff’s table, Rebecca’s attorney stood up to address the judge.

“Your honor, the defense would like to request a brief recess,” the defense attorney nearly pleaded. Though his poker face was much better than his client’s, it was clear that he was getting nervous.

“We’ll reconvene in 15 minutes,” the judge ordered with a stern glare cast towards Rebecca.

They think she did it but they just can't prove it

It soon became clear to Rebecca that the recess her legal team requested was nothing more than a “kiss your dignity goodbye” meeting. If she hadn’t been queasy before the recess was called, she definitely was upon re-entering the courtroom.

The rest of the trial seemed to move in slow motion for Rebecca. A few more witnesses were called to the stand, more lackluster evidence was presented, both sides made their closing arguments, and the jury left to discuss the verdict. After what felt like an eternity, the jury returned with an official decision.

Silence settled over the room as a single juror stood to address the court.

“The jury finds the defendant not guilty on count 1 of murder in the first degree based on lack of sufficient evidence. The jury finds the defendant not guilty on count 2 of kidnapping based on lack of sufficient evidence. The jury finds the defendant guilty on count 3 of insurance fraud based on…” 

The rest of the jurors’ statement sounded like white noise to Rebecca. She was just barely coherent enough to hear the judge deliver her punishment a few minutes later. $50,000 fine and 200 hours of community service.

Allison stuck around to the bitter end of the trial to hear the verdict in person. In all honesty, Allison didn’t want Rebecca to go to jail. It wouldn’t be right for her to serve time for a crime she didn’t commit, but Allison did find satisfaction in the fact that Rebecca would soon be picking up garbage in a fluorescent orange vest.

After the majority of the spectators had vacated the courtroom gallery, Allison leisurely gathered her things. Justice had been served to Justin, she personally made sure of that, and now justice had been served to Rebecca. The blonde and brunette women briefly locked eye contact as Allison made her way towards the exit. 

“You did this,” Rebecca whispered to Allison. Suddenly, it was like a flip switched within her. One moment she was numb, yet calm and collected, and the next moment she was screaming (literal) bloody murder and had to be held back by her lawyers.

“YOU DID THIS! YOU KILLED JUSTIN, YOU BITCH!” Rebecca cried, though her words fell on deaf ears. Allison exited the courtroom with her head held high as the courtroom deputy and defense lawyers did their best to calm the hysterical woman.

She thinks I did it but she just can't prove it

A week later the court case was still on Allison’s mind but the emotional scars had begun to scab. Healing was never a straight or smooth path, Allison had learned that the hard way over the years, but this was a start.

y/n’s landlord had been generous enough to allow Allison to gather y/n’s things before he cleaned out the house for new renters. As Allison walked through the home she once considered to be an extension of her own, she felt her throat dry out and tighten up. She hadn’t realized she was crying until she was wiping salty tears off of the picture frames she’d carefully picked up. Each photo unlocked a new memory, some even elicited a chuckle out of Allison amidst her tears.

A photo from y/n’s wedding day stood out among all the rest as Allison’s eyes jumped from frame to frame. It was a candid shot Lydia had taken while they were in y/n’s dressing room before the ceremony. y/n looked as beautiful as ever in her flowy white gown and Allison’s mulberry maid of honor dress complemented it well. As Allison put the final touches on y/n’s hair and makeup, y/n fastened the clasp of a custom necklace behind Allison’s neck. On a thin, medium-length chain hung an arrowhead from the first time Allison had ever tried to teach y/n how to shoot a bow and arrow. y/n failed miserably, but it was a cherished memory for both girls. Since that day, Allison had only taken the necklace off a handful of times.

Allison smiled bittersweetly at the memory and wiped a fresh tear off of the decorative frame before pulling her necklace out from underneath her shirt. She pressed a gentle kiss to the cool silver arrowhead and then to the photo frame, right above y/n’s styled hair. 

A feeling that Allison couldn’t quite explain flowed through her body just then; it was like taking a deep breath of fresh air after being stuck underwater or seeing the gentle rays of the sun for the first time after a hurricane, it felt like freedom. Allison felt almost as if y/n was right there next to her, with her head resting on Allison's shoulder and wrapping her arms around the brunette’s torso. In that moment, Allison somehow wordlessly knew with every fiber in her being that y/n was finally at peace. 

No, no body, no crime

I wasn't letting up until the day he died

a/n: AHHHH DID YOU LIKE IT? it was kind of a wild ride from start to finish and i definitely shed a few tears while i was writing it. please lmk what you think!

okay, now onto the writing process from hell: i started drafting ideas for the fic on dec. 21 or 22 of 2020, after i put together a mood board. i had written more than half of the fic when i decided i hated it and scrapped the whole thing on xmas eve (~3000 words 🤡). after that i was kinda in a rut and couldn’t decide how i wanted to end the fic so i ended up writing and deleting ~2500 words over the past month and a half. @demxters​ is an absolute GODDESS and helped me come up with the ending, so i am eternally grateful to her for that. if any of this seems a lil strange it’s probably because i finished writing it at 4:45 a.m. after working on it for 3ish hours straight. have a great day lovelies!

join my tag list!

@dashkana​ @rogershoe​ @basicbibitxh​ @sweetfairyprincess17​ @samkysnks​ @ellxpsismm​ @pure-ghost​ @lilyspells​ @ineedyourskulls​ @loveheathens​ @plq-cid @linkpk88​ @grace-wade-08​ @brithedemonspawn​ @fanfichoex​ @wistful-chaos​ @silveralma​ @malfoysadore​ @miss-i-ship-it​ @sonnydoesrandomshit​

[viastro]

chocolate hearts | lee chan

ミ★ synopsis: in which chan confesses to you on valentine’s day.

ミ★ genre: highschool!au, fluff, humor

ミ★ warnings: none!

ミ★ word count: 1,430

ミ★ pairings: chan x female reader

ミ★ notes: at first i didn’t like this at all, then i kept writing it and now it’s kinda grown on me. or maybe’s it’s cause i’m whipped for chan. it’s not even valentine’s day why am i writing about it?! oh god. anyways... i hope you guys like it!

“Why are we even making chocolates for Valentine’s day? You know this whole,” you pause to make air quotes with your fingers, “holiday is a marketing tactic right? And you’ve just fallen victim to capitalism.” Chan giggles at you, nudging you with his shoulder as he pours the melted chocolate into the heart shaped mold. 

“You could’ve asked like, I don’t know, Mingyu to make these with you. He’s the better chef out of your whole group. Why me?” Chan huffs, placing the empty bowl that once held chocolate back on the counter after finishing pouring it into the molds. He swipes a part of the bowl, getting chocolate on his finger. He turns to you, a mischievous grin on his face.

“Don’t you dare.”

He rubs chocolate on your nose anyways. 

“You kept complaining when all you did was melt the chocolate. I was the one who poured the chocolate into the molds and set up the box it’ll be placed in.” You smile, leaning down and rubbing your nose onto his shirt, making him cry out, “Yn! I just washed this!”

“You know I hate Valentine’s day, yet you shoved it in down my throat by making me make chocolate with you. What’s your motive here Channie?” You squint and he shrugs, turning around and placing the molds into the fridge. 

“I’m going to confess to someone tomorrow.” He says, and you squeeze the counter tightly until your knuckle turns white, feeling oddly unhappy with that revelation.

“Oh? I didn’t know you had a crush.”

“Well the only time we talk is at lunch when we eat in the stairwell like losers. Hard to update you on my life in that short thirty minutes.” Chan comments as he begins cleaning the surface of the kitchen. 

“Okay first of all, you totally could’ve told me in those thirty minutes. Second of all, you’re not even close to being a loser. You have girls falling for you left and right. Literally! I saw three girls fall to their knees after you smiled back at them in the hallway today. I truly don’t understand how you have so much power…” You mutter the last part, seriously thinking about how many girls and guys love him. 

“Are you gonna help me clean or what yn?” Chan changes the subject, turning around with a smile on his face, showing that he holds no annoyance in his words. 

“Only if you let me try a piece of chocolate.” You bargain and he rolls his eyes, shaking his head at you.

“If you don’t help me clean I won’t make you that grilled cheese you want.” Chan threatens and your eyes widen, hopping off the counter and making your way to the unwashed dishes. 

“Can’t believe you threatened me with grilled cheese and it worked.” You joke, letting out a laugh when Chan rolls his eyes at you.

You fail to notice the fond look on Chan’s face as you laugh. 

 “Chan came to school with chocolates today! And it’s Valentine’s day! Who do you think he’s gonna confess to?” You hear the girls gossip in the seat behind you, and you let out a small sigh. Turning the page in your book, aiming your focus towards english.

“I don’t even know who it could be. He hardly spends time with girls, only does so when he needs to in class. I’m really curious as to who swooned him, I thought he was like... untouchable.”

You chuckle under your breath, “untouchable my ass.” 

“Yn!” Your eyes immediately widen at the all too familiar voice. You slowly turn around in your seat to find Chan standing at the doorway of your classroom. He has a shy smile on his face, and you only notice the chocolates you both made yesterday in his hands when the girls start whisper-screeching.

“Chan… what are you doing here? I told you I can’t eat lunch with you today.” Those around you start whispering even more, making you realize that you just outed the fact that you and Chan have lunch together everyday.

am absolutely stupid luv

“Oh my GOD they have lunch together everyday?”

“How come we’ve never seen them?!”

“I had a feeling about her…”

“A feeling? Are you sure it wasn’t your dick twitching you horny bastard-” 

Chan coughs into his sleeve to get everyone to hush, which works incredibly well because everyone quite literally pauses. He smiles as he walks over so that he’s right in front of you, still holding the beautifully wrapped chocolates that you both decorated. You tied the bow and added stickers as a way to make up for you only melting the chocolate.

“I know but it’s Valentine’s day.” You raise an eyebrow at his response, causing him to let out a shaky laugh once he realizes you don’t understand at all what he’s trying to do.

“And you know that we spent a lot of time on these chocolates.” Chan continues and you nod your head slowly. You’re still confused as to why he’s in your classroom right now during lunch when you specifically told him that you were going to work on English homework.

“Yeah… you said you were going to give them to your crush today.” You say and he nods his head, now feeling embarrassed at the fact that you truly cannot comprehend what he’s trying to do and that your whole class is watching this go down.

“Yes… do you see where I’m going with this?” 

“No? Oh my god wait, is your crush in my class?”

“Jesus Christ yn-”

“No seriously like, is it Jisoo? Cause I don’t blame you! she’s really pretty-” 

“Yn it’s you.” Chan says and you pause. The rest of the room does a collective gasp, and the whispers begin once again. You feel warmth flood your face as you direct your eyes towards the chocolates, refusing to look anywhere else as your brain processes the fact that Chan just confessed to you.

“I like you, yn. You’re very precious to me and I cherish the time I get to spend with you. I thought it would be even nicer to be able to spend more time together as a couple.” Your eyes widen at the compliment, continuing to not look at Chan while he pours his heart out to you. It’s not until he bends down so that his face is in your point of view, and his big smile overcomes his features. 

“Why is my best friend hiding her face from me?”

“Shut up.” You mutter, looking away and covering your cheeks with each hand to try and cool them down. Chan places the chocolates on his desk and gives you his signature mischievous smile.

“You’re so cute.” Chan gushes, softly removing your hands from your cheeks just so he can squeeze your face. He coos and you roll your eyes at him, slapping his hands away. You take the box of chocolates, holding it carefully in your hands, and finally a small smile graces your features.

“Do you accept my feelings?” He asks, and you glance up at him. Chan’s staring at you with a hopeful expression on his face, a pink tinge to his cheeks. His blonde hair is slightly curly, giving him a softer appearance along with his uniform. 

“Yeah, I do Channie.” You answer, and your heart warms as a big smile forms on his face. He nods his head, now placing his hands behind his back in a way to try and prevent himself from wrapping his arms around you.

“Good.”

“Great.”

“Wonderful.”

“Fantastic.” Chan raises his eyebrow at you and you stick your tongue out at him. He gives you a smile, glancing at the time he realizes he has to head back to class before lunch is over.

“I’ll see you later?” You nod your head, face still embarrassingly warm as you do so. He grins, before turning around and heading out of the room. You turn your head to shoot glares at all your classmates who are still staring, and they immediately look away and start up their own conversations again. 

You move to sit down in your seat when you hear a loud, “WOOOO! YES!” come from the hallway. You easily recognize Chan’s voice, making you giggle at the prospect of him cheering at you returning his feelings. You shake your head, opening up the box of chocolates to reveal a sticky note.

sorry for making you help me make your own chocolates ! at least i know you like the packaging since you decorated it hehe. i hope this helps you enjoy valentine’s day a bit more yn <3

p.s. i stole a piece :p

yours, channie

[silenceandpatiencepining]

overshare time (because literally all of my friends and family and twitter followers are so sick of hearing about this) re: my ex that’s not my ex because we never actually dated

Okay so we met in middle school at our church youth group and became friends in what was basically high school Sunday school (for confirmation), and then our senior year we both volunteered to help run the middle school youth group where we’d first me. Almost every week after youth group we would walk out to our cars together or around the same time and end up talking in the parking lot for an hour or longer, just laughing, shootin the shit. I’d liked him for a while but like really caught feelings that year. We stayed friends when I went off to college out of state and I would send him honest to god handwritten letters in the mail. He got super flaky and sucked at texting me back and eventually I was like, listen, I’m not gonna put up with this. And he was like, you’re one of the only people that would actually call me on my shit and I appreciate that, and then for a while he actually got better. Then right around Valentine’s Day I admitted my feelings after sending a super heartfelt gift in the mail and he responded by saying he felt like we should just be friends, he didn’t feel the same way, and we shouldn’t talk for a while. So we didn’t, for like 6 months. He had a minor mental breakdown and realized he had shitty friends. I was sad about things but studied abroad and had the time of my life traveling. Then right before I went back to college he said he missed me. We reconnected and talked things though and said that we could get past this whole me liking him thing. I had gotten over my romantic feelings by then and truly just wanted my friend back. So we said we’d go back to friendship as it was. And then things were basically back to normal. We would call and text and when I was back home during breaks and stuff, we would hang out but it was lowkey like coupley activities sometimes. Like there was the usual friend hang outs like going to the movies and grabbing food and playing board games and shopping for records and stuff, but he like also took me to an Alice and wonderland themed tea house, and we went antique shopping, and picked out crazy things together at thrift shops, and picked out picture frames to gift to his grandma for her birthday, and adopted some plants and he let me name them. Anyway, things were totally normal and then one year during Fourth of July week he said he was gonna call at a certain time and then didn’t. And I literally never heard from him again. At first I thought it was just a scheduling thing or timing but I kept messaging as usual and even invited him to go on a cheap last minute trip with me at the end of the summer before I went back to school and nothing. Just nothing. Not like a ‘hey sorry I forgot to call’ or ‘I’m not really interested’ or ‘maybe we can’t be friends after all’. Like, that one forgotten call after things had been going so well for so long, and then just bam, ghosted. And that was over a year and half ago!

It was so confusing when this first happened and I kept waiting for him to call or text back but then he just didn’t and I went through all the stages of grief and I deleted him from everything and was just so sad and mad. He had been flaky before and I always just thought that he would reply eventually. And then more time kept passing with nothing. I hadn’t seen or heard anything for so long I legit thought he could’ve died and I just wouldn’t know. I sent him a Christmas present. No response. A few months later, I sent him a birthday present, because every year I’d pick out a quirky/niche book. Again, no response. I gave things some time and didn’t reach out for a while. More nothing. Tried checking in to ask if something went wrong. Nothing. Apologized even though I didn’t do anything. Nothing. Gave things more time and then tried to be like hey, it’s been a while let’s catch up. Still nothing. Added him back on social, he accepted the follow request but didn’t follow back. Uh okay. I respond to his insta stories, left on seen.

It’s literally such a mindfuck. And what I hate is that even though this has just shown me that he doesn’t give a shit about me, and even though I know that there is nothing he can say that would fix the hurt I felt for the past almost two years, I still can’t completely get him out of my head. I thought I was finally really starting to move on and then a couple weeks ago I randomly had a dream about him and us making up and then I got confused and started missing him again. And anyway, now we are here. Me, still ghosted and still thinking about things.

I KNOW closure doesn’t exist but I hate hate hate the feeling of him holding the power in this situation. Like I could process him saying “I never want to talk to you again” or “I thought you still had feelings and thought it was easier to cut things off” or “I outgrew our friendship” —anything really, but the fact that he just disappeared makes it feel so impossible to just leave this in the past. It feels like it never ended.

Anyway, today (yesterday bc it is now 4am) was the anniversary of an album that super important to both of us for such a long time and I tagged him in a post and again NOTHING.

I was in love with him, and then he was a close friend, and now there’s just nothing. It would almost be easier if we bitterly split up but he really just walked out on something like 7 years of friendship without so much as a call or text.

Sooo basically I’m just thinking about things again, rehashing every memory, thinking about where I went wrong, but mostly wondering why it’s so hard to forget him.

I used to think of him when I’d sing IFTYE but now I am painfully aware that he still exists and I hate my brain for remembering him so well.

[secludedmoonnn]

This morning has been hard. Not only has Tuna been a giant pain in my ass since about 6am, my back (especially) and my stomach have been in so much pain since about then too. I’m going to probably be using my massager all day. I also had another dream of you. This time, it was vivid. We were in my room, and you were saying your goodbyes to me, but you wouldn’t let me go. You wouldn’t stop kissing me, then Tuna woke me up. And I’m frustrated that she did because I at least still get to enjoy your sweet kisses in my dreams. I miss them incredibly. And with this pain that I am experiencing today, I really wish I could have you here telling me it’s gonna be okay and you’re here for me and have you hold me and comfort me as I try to get through the day with this. But you’re not here, and I can’t have you. I have to do it on my own and it sucks. Today is the first day that my mom is back to work since this happened and I’m sad and alone. I can’t just go upstairs and talk if I want to distract my mind. I have to just deal with it. And it sucks so fucking much. I can’t keep my mind from wandering. I keep thinking about everything that has happened since January and wondered if u felt anything for me at all. If it was all just a lie. If nothing was real. I can’t stop. I want to, but can’t. Did you isolate yourself for more than 2 weeks in your house back in January because you started having these thoughts and feelings?? I’ll never know. Did you just try to fake your feelings when Valentines Day came around and we got that Air BnB? I’ll never know. All that time we spent in my room, all that love and intimacy I felt, did you feel nothing? What was the point?? Cause you know, there’s been a lot of good fucking memories during the past few months, but I can’t help thinking if any of it was good for you. Like when I moved my bed in front of the TV, and when I almost cried at climax. That was such a weird fucking experience for me, but it was because I felt so much all at once that I don’t think my brain knew what to do. It felt so much love and so much pleasure that all it could do was cry. There are so many random little memories that come into my head. Like when we would sit in your car and get stoned and just listen to music. 2 songs stick out to me so much: Can I Call You Tonight and Drugs. During those times, you made me feel so loved and special, and like I fucking meant something. Because it felt like I was going to have this love for the rest of my life, and I yearned for it for so long, that I finally let that wall down because it felt real. Like it was really going to happen. And I was wrong. I was wrong and I’m mad. I’m mad at myself for ever letting that wall down. For not protecting my heart. But I truly felt like for the first time, I had someone that wouldn’t break it. Wouldn’t hurt it. I’m so mad. At so much. I fucking punched my wardrobe from being so upset and frustrated the other day, because I looked at myself in the mirror, and I saw you behind me. Kissing me and hold me and turning me around and dancing with me. I thought of when we play wrestled for over an hour. I want it back. I want I all back. What happened???

The only thing I’m truly mad at in all of this, is that you let me believe everything was fine and wonderful. I didn’t have a fucking clue???? I wish you were just honest with yourself and with your emotions enough that you could have told me. I cherish these memories, but I also question them. A lot. Do you hold on to the same memories as me? Have you just been pretending? And as much as I adore the memories that I have of us, the ones that I have since January, I can’t help but question them. Question if it was fake. The emotions you showed me or the love you gave to me. I wonder if you have just been waiting for the perfect time to tell me but there hasn’t been one. I don’t know. But I can’t stop myself from asking all these questions. I feel like all these memories are just filled with fake love. I wish you told me sooner, because these memories are so dear to me, and I hate myself because I can’t stop these questions. I can’t stop the feeling if it was real. If any of this was real. And I hate it. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I almost wish that I didn’t have any of these memories. Because I wouldn’t be questioning them this intensely. But at the same time, the months that you were here before you left, we’re the best ones. Because we finally got to spend more time together. Some quality fucking time. And I’m so mad because I only had for 2 and a half months and I don’t know if any of it was real. AND IM SO MAD. I don’t want to be alive right now, or I at least wish I was numb instead. All of this, all at once is just too much. I’m screaming and I’m crying right now because I can’t handle it. I can’t handle these emotions. I can’t handle the fact that I don’t know how you’ve been feeling. I can’t handle the thought that all of this was just a lie. I’m so broken. And I’m so scared. I’m so so scared to start this online therapy. I’m scared because I don’t know where to start. I’m scared that I’m gonna have to go through so much on top of all this that I’m already feeling. I’m scared to have to go through all of this alone. Instead of having my partner there for me to help me through those bad days. That’s what partners are supposed to do. Not tell their loved one that they need to do it by themselves. I get that this is something I need to do for me, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want your support. Didn’t need your support. Levi I’m so scared of having to go through life alone. Of not having my person to talk to. Of not having you in my life anymore. You are so special to me. And I adore the shit out of you and I love you so FUCKING much. Just the thought that you might never come back, makes me so nauseated and dizzy. You might not have always said what I wanted to hear, but you were always there when I needed a friend. When I needed a shoulder to cry on. This shit is just too fucking much. I’m taking this one day at a time and today just isn’t a good one. I don’t know how to process this because I don’t know what happened. What happened for you to just fall out of love with me. And I don’t know how to handle or cope with being alone. With being completely by myself. Because everyday I’ve had a distraction and today is the first day I’m truly alone. I don’t know how to handle this. And I want to run to you. Into your arms. I want to cry to you. I just want to feel my feelings with you there.

I’m so frustrated because I’m going through such a rollercoaster of emotions. Yesterday, I felt at peace with our situation. Today, I’m a god damn fucking mess. A mess that can’t even get out of bed to clean up her room and shower. I don’t want to be awake. I just want to sleep until I feel better. I don’t want the ups and the downs. I just want to be okay. I’m mad cause I’ve been lied to for months, and I fucking hate lying. I hate lying so fucking much. And I’ve been lied to, if not since January, then at least since March. Since you left. Because you ran. You didn’t tell me the truth, you thought you could just run away, without any consequences. But the biggest consequence, is the mess you left me in. Having to deal with all this knowledge and all this pain for me got have to deal with alone.

There is still so much in my head that I can’t get out because there’s just so much to process. So much fucking shit to process. I’ve calmed down a bit, thankfully. But I’m still sad. I’m still thinking of you. I’m still wanting to call you. I’m still wishing that you could be beside me and we could just talk this out. But I know that just isn’t how it’s gonna be. No matter how badly I want it to be so. I’m so scared to go through this online therapy alone. I’m so beyond fucking scared. I’m scared I’m scared I’m scared. I haven’t been truly alone in a long fucking time. And I’m scared because I don’t know how to go through this amount of emotions and trauma without self harming. The last time I went through this bad of emotions, I was still self harming. And it’s how I dealt. It wasn’t healthy at fucking all. But it’s how I dealt. I’m not going to hurt myself. Don’t worry. I made a promise in 2012 and I’ve only had one slip up back in 2015. I’ve been clean for 4 1/2 years. And I don’t want to ruin that because I’ve been so proud of myself for that. It has been such an achievement for me. But it’s been really hard to deal with this amount of emotions, especially since every part of my body reminds me of you. The love you gave to me. The gentleness and kindness you showed me. I feel sick when I look at myself. Cause I imagine you kisses. Your hands that used to be there. Holding me and loving me for who I am. I don’t know what to do without you. You’d always say to me: “an independent woman who don’t need no man, but got one”. And I am, or at least I’m trying to be, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want you there with me.

I’m so scared, that by the end of this, the way you view me, will change. You seeing any of these notes, these letters, will change how you see me. I’m scared that you’re just not gonna want me ever again. And I’m scared you’re gonna love somebody else. That the person you finally let in, isn’t gonna be me. That I’ll just become a lost distant memory. And I’ll just be here. I will never find somebody like you. You are so different. So unique. You are one of a kind, and I’m not saying that as a saying. I’m saying that as a true statement. Your soul and heart. EVERYTHING about you is so special. And the love you give, and the way you gave it to me, it’s never going to leave me. The way you made me feel will never leave me. I will always remember how special and delicate you were with me. I want to fight for this and I want to be given a second chance because I feel like we both deserve it. I really hope you keep your end of the promise. I don’t wanna have this hope for nothing. I can’t seem to stop my brain from focusing on the negatives today. I haven’t stopped crying in 2 hours. Every time I think I’m okay, I think of something else and I’m a mess all over again. I think about those 2 anxiety attacks in High River back in January. And how those might have contributed to how you started to feel. With you falling out of love with me. Some days are worse. So much worse. Especially in winter. And you left me alone that one day. You didn’t know how to deal with it. With me. But you didn’t even try either. I wish you at least asked me what you could have done for me. I wished that you stayed by my side as I felt. As I went through those emotions I didn’t want to be feeling. I woke up that day feeling sad. So sad. And I didn’t know how to process it because it was sudden and I didn’t want them. Not while we were with your family, but it happened and I had to deal. But you left me all alone to deal with it by myself. And I’m sorry if I took you away from enjoying time with your mom because I know how excited you were to see her then. It’s not like I fucking asked for this. Like I asked for those anxiety attacks. But you act like I did. Like they were 100% in my control. We both handled that situation poorly. And I don’t think we ever talked about it afterwards. I want to call you SO BAD and ask how you felt during that time and how we both could have handled a situation like that better. I’m frustrated because you hid from me after that. For weeks. Instead of talking it out. I so wish we could have talked it out Levi. I never wanted any of this anxiety. I never asked for these fucking illnesses. I may not have had the best ways of coping, but I managed. You make it seem like I should have it under control. Like I should have had this shit under control. You know, even with the proper coping mechanisms and proper treatment, be it therapy, medication, both, more, less. Bad days are still going to happen. And it seems like every single time, that I had one, which were only a handful, you distanced yourself from me and I had to be all alone. My partner left me all alone to deal with something I never wanted. Something I wish I could throw away. A partner is supposed to be there with you to help ease the pain as we go through those bad days and you just never did. I knew you needed your own space so I never asked to see you more than once a week. Even though I so desperately wanted to see you more often than that. But I pushed my selfish wants back and let you have your space. I just wish that when I really needed you, you were there. Instead of distancing yourself completely from me. I wish we BOTH handled everything differently. I know I need help. I’ve known for a long time, but I have self destructive tendencies, which I know is a problem, but that’s besides the point. But when you care for someone, and you see that. You see them suffering, why didn’t you voice it to me that you didn’t like seeing me like that.? Why didn’t you voice to me that you think that I should get help because I deserve it. I deserve to be happy?

I don’t understand any of my feelings. I don’t understand any of this. This WHOLE FUCKING POST. It’s just rambling. Rambling as I fucking feel. Rambling as everything just comes to mind. I’m mad. I’m sad. And I love and miss you so dearly and so much. I just want to hold you. I wish that none of this happened. Your 26th birthday is coming up and I am so sad because I couldn’t spend it with you last year. And I wasn’t supposed to this year either because of the concert and I felt bad but I thought we had more. But it got cancelled and I was thinking about driving down there to surprise you. Because I wanted to see you on that day. And I won’t be doing that. I can’t even wish you a happy birthday because I don’t know if you’d wanna hear from me. Or if it would be too hard or too much. And I think about how you didn’t get to be here for my birthday last year either. And how I was excited for this year. To spend it with my boy. Especially since last year, I had a really rough day. There’s so much that I was looking forward to. Like spending our summer days outside together. Hanging out with your animals and your mom. THERE WAS JUST SO MUCH. and I feel so unfair. This post is just too much and too long. It’s just my fucking spiderweb mess of emotions. And I need to go shower and eat. And just get out of this bed before I go crazy. I’m sorry if you see any of this. I’m sorry that you had to deal with so much. I’m just sorry. I’m just so so sorry. I love you and I miss you so much. So much that words will never be able to describe. I hope you’re having a better day than I am.