#the fact that only about half the chain would have any depth perception...

[skyward-floored]

Thinking about the fic idea I had where all of Time’s successors lose the same eye he did

[dragon-overlord-yuu]

I hadn’t touched Mystic Messenger in years, but this brainworm came for me outta nowhere and won’t leave until I wrote it all out , so motherfuckin uhhh Another Story Persona 5 AU

MC is a Persona user investigating a string of disappearances which leads her to Mint Eye. Same shit happens where she meets Ray, who hooks her up to the RFA app, also meets Rika, and Jihyun tries to rescue her only to get captured and both of them need to be rescued by Seven.

Anyway, Jihyun is on his self sacrificing bullshit again, and out of curiosity, MC inputs Rika’s name into the Metaverse navigator. It’s a hit, of course. She would be surprised if someone like Rika didn’t have a Palace. Now she needs the place of distortion. An easy guess again: the Mint Eye compound. What’s left now is the distortion itself. But before MC could mull over it, Jihyun leaves their safe house, intending to offer himself to Rika in exchange for the RFA’s safety. MC manages to trail him all the way back to Mint Eye and stops him before he could do anything stupid. She pleads with Jihyun that there is another way. She can make Rika stop her crimes without the need for any bloodshed or sacrifice. It takes a while, but Jihyun finally relents, but only to hear MC out. She pulls out her phone and shows him a strange app with a glowing red icon and asks, “What does Rika think of Mint Eye?”

A little confused, Jihyun says he’s heard her call the place a “paradise”. But the app says there were no candidates found. Paradise is a pretty broad term, after all. They need to think inside the box. Mint Eye is a cult, so perhaps Rika thinks of it as some sort of religious establishment? Church? Temple? Hell, even synagogue for good measure. Still no hits.

MC mulls over the information she knows about Rika so far: she was engaged to Jihyun and she was the RFA party coordinator before her, but not much else. She remembers a pamphlet she saw at Mint Eye. “Attend the endless party”

Nervously holding her phone up to her lips, MC utters the words “party venue” into the microphone.

Candidate found. Beginning navigation.

The world warps around them. The dreadful looming presence of the mansion was now replaced by a delightful affair of glittering lights and laughter. V looks around, half in awe and half in confusion. The mansion looks mostly the same, except the outside was decorated with golden streamers and balloons. What’s more, MC’s clothes had somehow changed too, like a strange masquerade costume. He has so many questions, but MC beckons him to follow, promising an explanation once they’re somewhere safe. They sneak in, trying to blend in among the party guests and glittering chandeliers. MC fights some Shadows that manage to catch them, summoning a strange being called a Persona. But they eventually reach a safe room. Jihyun is now thoroughly confused, demanding answers and MC sits him down and calmly explains everything to him: they are in an alternate reality where Rika’s distorted desires have taken physical form, insinuating that the gentle, loving Rika he’s so desperate to bring back never existed in the first place, considering everything this disgustingly lavish party full of mindless, brainwashed guests is built on is created from her cognition. She further explains that if they steal Rika’s treasure, the core of this world, the Palace will collapse and Rika will feel remorse for her actions and confess her crimes. MC states this was her plan from the beginning and she will proceed with or without Jihyun.

Jihyun still has some doubts as he and MC traverse through the Palace, until he spots the other members of the RFA, all of them raving about an empty happiness. He panics, thinking Rika managed to indoctrinate them too, until MC assures him they’re merely cognitions, lifelike puppets created from Rika’s perception of them. Eventually, they bump into Rika’s Shadow, dressed in an extravagant white and gold dress fit for the goddess she thinks of herself as. By her side was a cognition of Jihyun, blindfolded and chained to Rika at all times, pathetically whimpering about his love for Rika. MC nearly vomits at the sight. Was this all Rika thought about Jihyun? Just another puppet that was endlessly devoted to her?

Jihyun questions Rika endlessly, who laughs in his face, gloating about the fact she never loved him. As a person, anyway. She was so obsessed with the feeling of being loved by someone at all. And now she’ll take away everything Jihyun held dear so that the only thing he had was her, starting with that little thief that dared to turn Jihyun against her. She then summons a bunch of Shadow minions to ambush them. MC tried her hardest to fight them off, but she quickly finds herself overwhelmed and outnumbered.

Upon realizing this was Rika’s true nature, a strange feeling welled up in Jihyun. What was it...? Anger? At who? Her? For manipulating him to the point he was a hollow shell of himself? Or himself for being so blinded by what he thought was love that he denied the monster she truly was? Or was it the realization that everything he gave up for her was for nothing?

No, he can’t keep making excuses for her anymore. He cannot be complacent if all Rika was going to do was hurt the ones he cares about.

“I see you‘ve made up your mind” a light, jovial voice calls from the depths of his subconscious. It’s the first time he’s heard it, but somehow it’s familiar. “You’ve allowed yourself to be blinded by a poisonous imitation of love. It’s time you take off those rose-colored glasses that clouded the truth before you. Shall we move on with the contract?”

A sharp pain shoots through Jihyun’s head, bringing him to his knees. He screams and writhes in agony as the voice continues speaking. “I am thou, thou art I.”

A white mask with intricate gold filigree appears on Jihyun’s face. It burned, like white hot iron. His hands flew up to grasp at it, feeling an intense need to remove it. With a few sharp tugs, he rips the mask off, his face bloody as he calls out to his other self, “Come, Eros!”

Jihyun is engulfed in blue flames, his clothes morphing into an elegant white suit with trimmings of gold. A white cape in the shape of wings flaps gently behind him. In his hand, a white cane with a deadly blade he knows is hidden in the handle. Running on pure adrenaline, Jihyun lunges forward, pulling out the blade from his cane and slashing at his cognitive double with ease, reducing it to black smoke.

“I’m sorry, Rika.” He says, his tone soft and apologetic as ever, despite the cold, menacing glare that was uncharacteristic of him. “The V that obsessed over you is dead now. I’m taking back everything you robbed me of!”

“Now tell me, what shall you do now?” The trickster god of love asks him, manifesting by his side.

Protect MC. Jihyun thought.

He hears Eros chuckle in response, as if he could read Jihyun’s thoughts as well “Very well. I lend you my power.”

(Idk might make a part 2 if I’m so inclined)

[forallyourikemensengokuneeds]

Secret Santa present

Title: The Gift of Forgetfulness

Fandom: IkeSen

Suitor: Masamune, Mitsunari and Yukimura

To: @yunohawkeye

From: @darkmindsthinktwistedthoughts

A/N: To my sweet lil’ Yuno I hope this tale finds you well and brings a smile to your face at this time of year.

---

Winter was here and with it came the long dark nights full of biting cold that had you wanting to curl up under blankets by a warm fire. The snow was falling once more, drifting through the air like frozen feathers until it blanketed the ground in a kind of pristine purity.

She found herself standing in her kitchen with her oversized mug in hand watching the outside world lazily. The steam rose from the hot tea in her hands in curls her eyes unfocused remembering the dream that woke her up a little earlier.

If you had asked her when it had happened, she would have been unable to answer you. Not long after setting out into the world alone she had acquired the lease on a great little apartment and then discovered she was living right next door to some of the most handsome men she had ever encountered outside of glossy tabloid pictures. To make it even more unbelievable they all seemed to take an interest in her.

-

Guy number one was tall with wild chestnut brown hair and piercing blue eyes… well, eye. He was rugged and charming with just a hint of danger that drew you in like a moth to a flame. He had helped her carry in some boxes from her car after she just arrived. He then made a comment about how she couldn’t possibly consider eating frozen microwave meals, insisting on having her joining him at his place for dinner with the rest of the guys.

It had been a strange turn of events after she had found herself agreeing happily to the rather pushy invite before realising what she had done. She then met guy number two. Silver hair that shone in the light but looked as soft as smoke if you were to touch it. Violet eyes full of intelligence scanned pages of thick intellectual books on topics she had never heard of with such ease you could be forgiven for thinking it was a comic book. When he was nudged and noticed her standing there nothing prepared her for that smile. The old saying of hearing music when talking to someone sprung to mind and she was a little worried she might have been staring at him, smiling like an idiot.

Dinner had been wonderful guy number one turned out to be a chef in training and damn that man had talent. The flavours were perfectly balanced and the skill he showed with a knife was mesmerising. She had allowed her gaze to linger on his hands a little longer than she realised, following those long fingers as they worked their magic. A shiver ran up her spine when she composed herself and prepared to leave.

She was just about to reach for the handle on the front door when she came face to chest with guy number three. Another brown-haired model type. Except this one looked a bit more of a rough, outdoorsy kind. He had a pair of chocolate brown eyes she could have drowned in. Too bad the illusion of charm was blown as soon as he began to ask who the wild boar was running out of the house.

Eventually, they had all fallen into a comfortable space where they could hang out together as friends. Still, she had not forgotten the times when the air had seemed tense between the men. Or how some of the looks had morphed into death glares in her presence. All things said and done this was what it was and no one seemed like they were going to make a move to change it. Their time together was growing short soon they would be going their separate ways for the holidays.

Her mind wandered. It wandered even more at night when she was alone and slipping into slumber. She found herself thinking about them. The sound of their voices, the warmth of their hands… the scent of their bodies. Yes, Winter was here but somewhere in her dreams, Spring was alive and well.

-

School was over for another semester and the holiday season was everywhere like a glitzy illuminated bomb in town. Streets lined with ornate lighting and store windows decked out in the traditional array of over the top festive magic. It had taken a while to get home as the public transport was suffering cancellations due to the bad weather.

She smiled to herself as she patted her messenger bag. When your world becomes full of clouds, she usually looked for the silver lining in them and had taken the opportunity to pick up three presents for her neighbours that had helped her since her move.

Masa was to be the recipient of a foreign cookbook that involved fusion cookery and science to create some intricate and unusual dishes. Yuki was going to get that selection box of foreign sweets and some new gloves that were waterproof, weatherproof and still allowed you to use your touch screen on your smartphone. Nari had been a little difficult. It felt strange considering that the guy would be happy with anything she had got for him but that was exactly what made choosing one so damnably hard.

He didn’t wear accessories; his fashion was simplistic and nothing at all designer. The only thing she had seen he might require after spending time with him helping her write her dissertation was something to help him find his glasses. A fine but strong silver chain was gift-wrapped and waiting to be slipped into his hand. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little nervous about giving them all their gifts. Still, the excitement and anticipation won out over the nerves and she found she was walking with a slight bounce in her step as she made her way home past the busy shopping district.

-

“Oh to Hell with it!” The impassioned response from Yuki came after he once more let go of his end of the garland only to see it drop to the floor. “How do you manage to get these things to stay put?” He glared over at Masa who had finished his half of the decorating and was stifling laughter. Seriously the guy has one eye and is challenged with depth perception constantly yet he can hang these things first time every time.

“There are hooks on them.”

“I know that idiot!” Yuki grumbled as he once more struggled to find the fabric loop that could attach to the nail in the wall.

“Masa are these alright?” Nari entered the room carrying a tray that was covered in cookies looking mildly worried. At least they were once more obvious cookies until he was left alone to decorate them and now it looked a little like a canon full of icing and sprinkles had taken over.

“They’ll be fine Lad not like anything you could do to them now will affect the flavour.” Masa chuckled and patted the younger man’s silver hair. At Masa’s words, Nari visibly seemed to brighten up and smile relieved to have been told he had done a good thing.

Finally attaching the decoration Yuki jumped down from the stool he had been standing on and joined the other two guys as they took in the now perfectly decorated home. It had taken all day and a fair amount of secretive planning to achieve this but they had all agreed it was one step closer to making the girl in their lives happier.

“I hope she likes it.” Nari spoke with an almost hushed whisper just as muffled footsteps could be heard by the front door. The handle turned and a hesitant head popped into view peeking around it as they entered.

“Hello?”

-

The lights were on when she eventually arrived at their place. Nari had said he was home today as the research centre was closed due to the weather but it was unusual for him to be aware enough of the growing darkness outside to remember to turn on the lights. Turning the ice-cold handle, she pushed it tentatively and looked inside. After calling out a greeting she became a little dumb stuck with the scene.

Shades of greens and reds covered the place in a garish seasonal display. Honestly, it was like walking right into a candy cane gingerbread house. Standing in the middle of the living room were the three guys she had been wanting to see and for the first time recently they were all standing so close it looked as if they were practically the same being.

“Welcome Home Kitten!” Masa cried out and came over to wrap her in a warm hug.

“I hope you didn’t have too much difficulty in coming home.” Nari went to move to join in with the embrace only to have Yuki snatch the forgotten tray from his hands at the last minute to prevent any possible disasters with the iced cookies.

“You finally made it then?”

“Sorry were you all waiting long?” Her voice was a little muffled as her face was being squished into a rather solid chest.

“Not long at all. Come on sit down there’s cookies and I’ll just go check on the mulled cider.” Masa practically shoved her into the sofa before bouncing out of the room to go to the kitchen.

“Cider?”

“He means apple juice. You know he can’t drink.” Yuki rolled his eyes and picked up a cookie from the tray that seemed to be one-quarter cookie three quarters tooth decay.

“I heard that!”

“You were meant to!”

The familiar friendly back and forth between the guys had her smiling and giggling. Ignoring the fact that Yuki had developed a slight redness to his cheeks after her outburst of joy she picked up a tree-shaped cookie and took a bite.

After settling in on the sofa with the hot drinks it felt as if the ice cold that had snuck into their bones without them noticing had finally decided to melt. Glancing around at the men before her she was reminded a little bit of her not so very innocent dreams and suppressed a shiver.

“So are you going to tell me why you did all this? I thought you were never home for the holidays and were always out at parties someplace else?”

“Not in the mood.” Yuki’s reply was so short it felt clipped as he took a sip from his cup.

“What?”

“What Yuki means Kitten is we decided to stay home this year. We all agreed we had a good reason to.”

“Reason?”

“You Princess.” Nari nodded in agreement with the other men.

“Me?”

“Would you prefer to be called a Parrot instead of a Wild Boar?”

“Of course I wouldn’t!” She knew Yuki meant well. He wasn’t exactly trying to get on her nerves but he did have a tendency to be a little to blunt and that sometimes rubbed her the wrong way. Pouting with an upset frown on her face she glared at the guy who in a slight panic placed his cup down on the coffee table and gracefully shifted to be closer to her side.

“Hey come on don’t pull that face I was only joking.” His large hands came up and drew her head to his shoulder as if he couldn’t bring himself to look at her face right now. Knowing Yuki this was probably partly true. In all the time she had known him he had never been able to handle when someone got a little emotional around him.Especially a female. “He’s right though we all decided to stay here this year and spend time with you.” His large weathered hand carded its way through her hair softly like he was stroking a small animal.

“I got plenty of food prepared it just needs heating up whenever you want it. We got the place decorated…” Masa began proudly, as he puffed out his chest slightly, listing off the things he had spent a long-time planning.

“I helped with the cookies!” Nari enthusiastically pointed to the plate on the table.

“Nari drowned the gingerbread.” Yuki muttered just low enough for her to hear him which resulted in a sudden burst of laughter falling into the nape of his neck. She felt his body tense and took a slight bit of satisfaction in knowing he was aware of her given how irritating he could be sometimes.

“And this is what you want?” She asked looking around the room.

“We want to see you happy Kitten.”

“He’s right, it's not much fun staring at someone looking mopey in the holidays. You should be grinning like an idiot.”

“Hey!” Swatting at Yuki’s arm she pulled back far enough to see everyone clearly. “Oh, that reminds me I got you guys some gifts.” Gathering up her bag from the floor she pulled out three wrapped parcels.

“Gifts…”

“Oh Hells!”

“I knew there was something else.”

All three men looked at the gifts in her hands their expressions morphing into looks of regret and remorse.

“What are you-?”

“Sorry Kitten we kinda forgot that bit.” Masa rubbed his neck sheepishly holding her gaze with his singular blue eye.

“You can keep your gifts if you like? No sense in us having them and you left without.” Yuki nodded making a little move to try to push her hand gently and get her to take them back.

“But that isn’t what it’s about. I don’t give them to get something in return. And you guys have already been so kind to me I just wanted to do something nice in return.” Stubbornly pushing on she placed each gift in the hands of the appropriate man.

“Still it does seem a little one-sided for the holidays.” Nari accepted knowing it to be bad manners to refuse otherwise. It was still clear he had his own misgivings about it all.

“I know Kitten.” Masa suddenly sounded a little brighter after being struck with a thought. “How about we give you what you want?”

“Excuse me!?”

“Yeah, whatever it is we’ll do it.” Yuki seemed very animated by the suggestion too as he quickly accepting the new plan.

“No request too big or too small we will be at your command Princess.” Nari declared beaming a smile that would not look out of place on a fairytale Prince.

This was all happening so fast and felt so surreal that it was difficult to tell if it was really happening. They were all willing to do whatever she said. Suddenly the dreams and reality overlapped and the rush of excitement that she had tried to suppress came in an overwhelming flood that began to consume her mind. Ribbons… bows… the glow of sweat-slicked skin bound in a design of her creation.

“And you won’t complain? You really will do whatever I say?” She subtly gave the inside of her arm a little pinch just to check this was really happening. The men nodded without hesitation. “This could be the best Christmas ever!”

[riftmeanewverse]

GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  MUN:

NAME : Ana NICKNAME :   annachibi FACECLAIM :  none PRONOUNS :  she/they HEIGHT :  5′6″ BIRTHDAY :  april 22nd AESTHETIC : bluey-purple & rainbow. overalls. baggy t-shirts. smiles. sitting in strange positions. sunsets. chillwave & synthpop. LAST  SONG  YOU  LISTENED  TO :  Moonrunner by Droid Bishop FAVOURITE  MUSE (S)  YOU’VE  WRITTEN : Sorren, Hopper, & Russel

GETTING  TO  KNOW  THE  ACCOUNT :

WHAT  INSPIRED  YOU  TO  TAKE  ON  THIS  MUSE : Since I talked about Hopper last time, I’ll talk about Sorren and Russel this time. So they originally came from message board RPs years ago. I was on a board run by a couple of friends and of course as I got to know them I started blabbing on about Rufus Sewell (who was the fc for the OC I had made there - Rhys, a grumpy half-selkie chain-smoker, kinda a proto-Sorren in a way). I became known for it, as I tend to do lol. So when they started up a new board with a medieval-ish original fantasy setting and I let them know that I would come along, they made a “canon” for me with Rufus as the fc and had him be “morally ambiguous” as per my request when I found out they were doing it. Basically, he had a few connections to other characters, a couple lines about his basic personality, and a last name. The rest was all up to me. In fact, I can actually grab the blurb yeah here it is:

“though technically more like an older brother than a father to his adopted sons, baron radvhet is a confusing man. one may think his intentions are good, but the next they believe him to be evil. he's raised the boys well to follow in his footsteps. the rest of his history and personality are UP TO THE PLAYER.” 

So yeah, that was it. I was honestly just inspired by Rufus’s acting and the depth he brings to even small roles. I think at the time I was mostly thinking about his Agamemnon and Tom Builder. I tried to make him... not really evil, but “ruthless” was a word that came up a lot. He had opinions and prejudices that were honestly xenophobic, but he sorta had to be that way in order to justify the role he played in his country’s court. I never got to play it out, but he tortured spies to extract information and dealt with poisons. At the same time, he had this side to him that really wanted to be a good father to his sons, despite the fact that he had a difficult time connecting with them emotionally. It was a real challenge to balance those two sides of him. At the heart of both of them was a fierce loyalty to country and family. And then, of course, that loyalty became challenged when he found out that the king was not the good man he thought he was...

Shit, I’m supposed to just be talking about inspirations, not going on a whole meta. XD Anyway, yeah, the other players loved him and sorta looked at him like a dad at first because I started off with a thread with one of his sons, so then I tried to switch it up and change their minds by having him get really angry with someone who accused his son of something (which he totally did, but Sorren didn’t know that) and getting into a sword fight over it at a peace conference which then basically turned into the beginning of a war. Sorren wasn’t bothered because he figured it had only been a matter of time before war broke out anyway so why not get it over with, but yeah... I don’t think I ever quite succeeded in getting them to think he was Not Good, but they did then consider him a badass lmao

So at that point, everybody on the board basically had this idea of Rufus tied to his usual kind of badass gruff characters, and when the creators of the board started up yet a new one (this time a boarding school with teachers) I wanted to turn the tables on their perception of Rufus completely. So I came up with Russel, based somewhat on Rufus’s character in Uncorked, the dorky, excitable, sweet cinnamon roll of an English teacher. I actually put a lot of myself in him, from his backstory to his interests. A lot of the other characters on the site had crazy names like Andromeda or yknow those kinds of names that sound cool but you don’t ever meet anyone named that in real life? So I tried to give Russel a really normal-sounding name along with the rest of him. I dunno, I just wanted to prove that 1. Rufus Sewell could be used as a fc for a total dork too, and 2. “regular people” characters without super tragic backstories are also interesting and likable!

So yeah, that’s how those two came about. I ended up changing Russel’s fc when I saw Hugh Dancy in Hannibal.

WHAT  ARE  YOUR  FAVOURITE  ASPECTS  OF  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  Sorren has sometimes taken on less of a morally ambiguous role since I made him, partly because it requires a good bit of plotting out beforehand and partly because I realized that no matter how “evil” I made him, there would always be someone who would see his motivations or his other "good” actions and overlook it in favor of thinking of him as a good guy, unfortunately. So if I want him to be confronted or punished or called out by other characters, I pretty much have to explicitly tell people that’s what I want, which kinda takes some of the fun out of it. WOW OKAY this was about my favorite aspects I am so off track omg! But that I guess used to be my favorite aspect of him, and now it’s... I dunno, it’s hard to choose, and it changes depending on my mood and what I want to emphasize. I guess I love that he’s just so multifaceted. I’ve had him such a long time and gotten to play with him so much that I know him like the back of my hand.

For Russel, it used to be that he was so “normal” in a sea full of OCs with heterochromatic eyes, tragic backstories, legendary weaponry, etc etc. I still do like that about him, because it really lets his quirks and his personality shine when he doesn’t have any of that fancy stuff to hide behind. He’s such a dork, and he has this depressive streak that can make him mopey and annoying, but I kinda love that about him too. He’s just so real, I guess. He’s a good person but he has his flaws, too. They’re nothing huge like being a torturer, but they’re there and he is always learning and trying to be a better person, even if nobody says he needs to work at that.

WHAT’S  YOUR  BIGGEST  INSPIRATION  WHEN  IT  COMES  TO  WRITING : Music, usually. Heck, I went off on a complete tangent and Russel came out full force because I found a song that made me think of his ex lol! When I write sad stuff, I usually try to find a song that will epitomize the mood I’m going for and listen to it on repeat while I’m writing. But my fcs can also inspire me, as I detailed above with Rufus. Okay, I say fcs but it’s usually Rufus. Rufus Sewell is my gatdang inspiration. There, I said it. The man is an amazing actor and plays such a wide variety of roles that I find myself thinking of gestures or expressions or ways of speaking that he’s done on camera and going “okay now how do I put that in words?” I do that with the others too, particularly David Harbour, but yeah.

FAVOURITE  TYPES  OF  THREADS : I love it when characters get to really connect with each other and emotions come out in their actions or words. I play characters who may not always say what they’re feeling, but if they’re feeling something, it’ll come out in other ways. Russel gets excited and happy about things. Sorren gets sad or defensive or evasive. Making him uncomfortable is hella fun. Hopper is also like that but I love how touchy-feely he is by nature, so I enjoy putting him in situations where he can express that. And I’ll mention my angry girl Phoenix on my sideblog because she is a bundle of emotion and I heckin love it. But yeah, make them feel something! Angst, fluff, humor, it can all lead to that.

BIGGEST  STRUGGLE  IN  REGARDS  TO  YOUR  CURRENT  MUSE :  HONESTLY I don’t know if it’s that I’m really active and reach out to people a lot or if Stranger Things and Hopper are just really popular or what, but I have a lot of threads. Don’t get me wrong, I love having something to reply to all the time, but it’s kind of a double-edged sword? Which kinda sucks because I actually want to RP with a ton more people than I already am?? THE STRUGGLE

TAGGED  BY : @aspecialprovidence

tagging: @tenacitybred @ambersrpblog @goxinsane @lovclyiism @playboytm @ridingwheeler @astra11 @mindslayed I’ve already done this once before so I don’t wanna re-tag people but also if you’re reading this and you wanna, do it!!

[stereksecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @Jennoasis!

Read on AO3

*****

Tattoo My Heart

Stiles was born with the phases of the moon tattooed down his spine. Most of the earliest pictures of his existence were of him laying on his stomach with his back on display. Sometimes he was on his father, sometimes on his mother, sometimes sleeping, sometimes not. As he grew older, he would wonder what it meant.

He would wonder whether his soulmate would be whimsical and free-spirited. Whether it meant his soulmate would be prone to pessimism and hopeless thoughts and contemplations about the vastness of the universe. Whether they would know all the constellations and prefer the darkness to light. Whether they would be brilliant in a soft, muted way, or ever-changing, or have the ability to make slow but constant impact on vast things, the way the moon affected the ocean.

Stiles would lay awake at night wondering.

Why the moon?

And when Scott got bitten, he laughed until he cried. And then laughed some more.

-

Derek grew up knowing his soulmate had an insatiable curiosity and an extremely short attention span.

Images flitted over his skin constantly.

Peter teased him about having a soulmate so entirely different from him. Someone capricious, that tended to lean toward dangerous things.

He howled with laughter when a wolf settled onto Derek’s skin, only to replaced by a panther the very next day.

Even if Derek were at all inclined to tell his uncle secrets the man hadn’t already figured out for himself, he still would never have explained that the wolf had simply moved from his bicep to curl up with its head on its paws just underneath his collar bone.

Peter found out anyway, because it was impossible for two wolves in the same pack to never see each other shirtless at the very least. Peter waited for the wolf to really disappear so he could tease, but had to content himself with mocking the way the wolf shrunk until it was just a small little thing in the pocket of Derek’s shoulder.

But his scathing comments barely registered to Derek, because it was what let him know that when his soulmate truly loved something they never let it go.

-

A cello appeared on Stiles. At first, it was a lovely instrument. The burnished teak color contrasted beautifully with his pale skin. The bow leaned gracefully against the cello, and one could almost hear the soft strains of soothing music.

And then one day, not that long after its first appearance, the instrument had snapped strings and warped wood. The hair of the bow lost its sheen and was cut in half to hang loosely. There were deep gouges.

Stiles didn’t realize they were claw marks until much, much later.

-

Derek had a sand castle on his skin. It looked like a child’s drawing of a sand castle mostly.

Did his soulmate love the beach? Did it represent a cherished memory?

Derek had the sense it had to be something specific. He felt that if it was about his soulmate loving the beach, he would be marked with something representing the ocean.

They seemed like that to him. Tempestuous and wild. Ever-changing. A chaotic surface and boundless depths. Peter said making assumptions about his soulmate would only lead to disappointment.

Still, Derek wondered if ocean waves ever appeared on his soulmate’s skin.

-

Siles had a basketball on him. He wondered whether his soulmate was on a team or whether they just liked the game. Did they play for their school? Was it something for fun, just to let loose?

What if they were more athletic than him? It wouldn't exactly be hard after all. Stiles could already tell he was going to grow up scrawny with barely any muscle at all. He wondered if his soulmate would laugh at how different they were.

-

“Your soulmate is so weird,” Laura murmured. Her eyes were on the picture of a brain scan that colored Derek’s skin.

Derek shrugged. He thought the same thing, though with much more fondness than Laura did.

Peter stared for a while, but didn’t say anything. Not even the slightest teasing comment.

Laura and Derek shared a glance.

“What is it?” Derek asked.

“Nothing,” Peter said with a casual shrug. “It’s probably not their brain.”

Laura’s spine went straight. She placed a hand on Derek’s shoulder. “What if it was?” she demanded to know.

Peter shook his head. “All I know is the colors are in the wrong places.”

Derek tried to convince himself that his soulmate was just learning something new, had found some new obsession to explore with their boundless curiosity. But the days passed by and the scan didn’t move or shrink or fade.

Derek was torn about how to feel.

Because if the scan didn’t belong to his soulmate, it certainly belonged to someone they loved dearly.

-

There was a necklace on a bed of purple flowers.

After research, Stiles figured out it was aconite.

Wolfsbane.

He didn’t really understand the necklace. But the wolfsbane made him wonder. Was his soulmate into mythical lore? Or was this some kind of oblique reference to being poisoned?

The way the necklace was settled into the petals, the subtle twist of the chain. It seemed intimate. Stiles thought of poison and how love could hurt. He thought of his obsession with wolves in the fifth grade. He wondered.

Stiles knew a lot about werewolves long before his best friend became one. And he wasn’t that surprised they existed. Not really.

-

There was a star on his skin. It appeared not long after the brain scan faded. It wasn't gone, but the colors had lost their luster in a way that made Derek think whoever it represented was gone forever.

The star was big, five pointed, and gold. It looked like a sheriff star from old western movies. Unlike most other things that appeared the star never grew smaller. It was in a strange minority with the brain scan and the sandcastle. In fact, sometimes the star would even grow bigger.

But it lost some of its brilliance over the years. It was difficult to explain how the image had its own overall vibrancy that stayed the same, and even grew at times, but the star itself got a bit dull. A bit scuffed, the points not as sharp.

Derek wondered if the star represented a person. If it was that person that was deteriorating. Or if his soulmate’s perception of them was becoming disillusioned.

-

Stiles woke up with a symbol on his chest one day. It was a triskele, he found. It seemed different than his other marks somehow. More vivid. A deep red in the center that faded to black. He would get caught up staring at it in the mirror.

He would think of the broken cello, the intimate poison, and this symbol pulsing blood red in the center like a weeping wound.

He knew his soulmate had been hurt. Was still hurting.

His dad caught sight of his chest one day and paused with wide eyes.

“There is something different about it!” Stiles exclaimed.

John checked his expression, but it was too late.

“Your soulmate got a tattoo,” he said.

Stiles blinked at him. “Tattoos show up?”

“Not always,” John said, “Not usually.”

Stiles stared at his father, trying to beam the full force of his curiosity out of his eyes.

John sighed. “Stiles, I told you to stop doing that. You look demented.”

Stiles shrugged. It worked to get him the information he wanted more often than not, so it was all good as far as he was concerned.

John studied his son. Stiles would only go look it up himself if John didn’t tell him. “Tattoos don't usually show up unless the bond is particularly strong.”

Stiles began to smile. It faded when he took a closer look at his dad’s expression.

“Isn’t that good?” he asked uncertainly.

John shook his head. “Intensity isn’t always a good thing when it comes to soulmate relationships.”

Stiles thought of the case descriptions that had trickled through to him over the years. Vicious abuse cycles. Codependency. Murders because of jealousy. Suicides because someone’s soulmate died.

He nodded at his dad to show he understood.

Intensity wasn’t always a good thing.

“Will it be on the same place on them?” he asked.

“Not necessarily,” John said. “It might not even be that color.”

Stiles rolled his eyes. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy.

Over time, he found out the triskele absolutely would not be the same color, since the outer edges seemed to change according to his soulmate’s most prevalent and constant mood.

The center always stayed that fresh-cut red.

-

Derek didn't like Stiles when they first met. He knew his own inability to protect people. He didn't want someone like Stiles involved in what was going on. Someone so pretty and fragile, with such wide innocent eyes.

He soon learned Stiles was beautiful like the ocean, and even less likely to be tamed.He had a steel spine, an iron will, and those innocent eyes sparked with fiery passion at the slightest provocation.

Derek knew the dangers of fire by now, knew how easy it was to get burned. And yet there he still was, drawn like a moth, fluttering at the edges of a light he knew he was not allowed to have. A light that would only deepen the darkness around him, in him, if it were ever to go out.

The most he would allow himself was a slight suspicion and a resolute indifference to confirmation.

-

Stiles suspected Derek Hale was his soulmate from that first time in the woods. Even though Derek clearly didn’t like him, everything about the man made Stiles hum. From his cheekbones to his hostile glare, his leather jacket to his surprisingly soft voice.

And then he thought Derek was a murderer and he was still pretty sure, but he was hoping he was wrong because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life hiding bodies.He would do it, and more, for his soulmate but he didn't actually want to.

Stiles would always be surprised at his own reaction when he found out for sure.

He saw the triskele first, right in the center of Derek’s back.

Stiles had the fleeting thought of how they would match up and maybe Derek preferred being the little spoon, before the wolf turned around.

Stiles caught sight of his mom’s brain scan and mentally noped the fuck out. He stayed mostly silent through the following interaction, as blank as he could possibly be out of sheer self-preservation.

He didn’t have a panic attack until he got home.

It was hours later when Scott called him to assure him that just because they both had triskeles didn’t mean Derek was Stiles’s soulmate. They weren’t even the same color or in the same place.

-

In the end it was Boyd who spilled the beans, though Jackson was the trigger.

“Shut the hell up, Stilinski. Who wants to listen to you? You can't even get your soulmate to look twice at you. You really think he doesn't know it's you? That he's not ignoring you on purpose because he would rather have anyone but you?”

Stiles went white. He stared at Jackson for a moment and then promptly left, pointedly not looking at anyone else in the room. Derek slowly turned to stare at Jackson with crimson eyes until the young wolf left also.

After a drawn out moment of silence, Boyd said, “You're the reason he can throw shit like that in Stiles’s face.”

Derek looked at him with wide eyes, the confirmation he hadn't wanted suddenly given to him.

But he had a different perspective of his reticence as selfishness now, and he couldn't bear the hurt he could clearly see he had caused his soulmate. The sense of embarrassment and shame lingered where Stiles had been standing.

-

Stiles made it home only to find Derek in his room waiting to command him to take his shirt off.

“Fuck off, Derek Hale. Get out of my room.”

“Stiles,” Derek said standing from where he was leaning against the window sill. He stared intently at the human boy. “Take off your shirt.”

Stiles wanted to argue. He wanted to demand an explanation for why Derek had come here, now, to order him to do this. He wanted to yell some more, tell Derek to get out and to not expect to see him for at least two weeks. But he was tired of knowing who he belonged to and knowing that person didn't want him back without getting to say anything at all about it. If Derek wanted to have it all out right here, right now, then that's what they would do.

So he took off his shirt. And he watched as Derek took in his own life and love and hurts on Stiles's skin. He could practically see Derek thinking, “It's true.” But he wasn't prepared for the wolf to just whip his own shirt off. He’d seen Derek shirtless before, but it was different now.

Now it was to prove that they were made for each other. That they'd been marked by what made each other.

“Why didn't you say anything?” Derek asked.

“What was I supposed to say?” Stiles scoffed, “You didn't even like me when we first met.”

Derek looked away. Of course Stiles knew that.

“Plus, I thought you were a murderer,” Stiles added.

Derek raised an eyebrow. They both knew that point didn’t matter nearly as much as it probably should have.

“I love you,” Derek said.

Stiles scoffed at him again. He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling with pursed lips like he was trying to hold back laughter. Or tears. When he looked at Derek again, he was smirking, but his eyes were bleak.

“Because I’m your soulmate?”

“Because I love you.”

Stiles closed his eyes. This was too much.

“Derek,” he murmured brokenly. He opened his eyes and his soulmate was right there in front of him, close enough to touch.

Derek reached up and cupped his cheek.

“I love you, Stiles,” he said.

Stiles gave up fighting, and fell into his other half.

-

They found each other, and all their questions were answered.

[billehrman]

Looking Ahead

Paix et Prospérité’s success has been our ability to anticipate and react to change while keeping an eye towards the future. We structure our portfolios after in-depth top-down and bottom-up research and by being patient enough to profit as it all unfolds. We tend to buy early, anticipating a change in perception of the investment environment, and sell early when our perception becomes reality. Our actions since October clearly show that we have stuck to our disciplines and do what we say.

We went totally defensive last October fearing the Fed selling off most all of our economically sensitive stocks and buying defensive stocks (mostly drugs and consumer nondurables) while raising 35% cash along the way. Following the Fed’s about face in December, we quickly reversed our positions buying back the economically sensitive stocks and reducing our defensive names while going virtually all in. And as we became even more confident in March/April that U.S. economic activity along with corporate profits would be much stronger than we envisioned, we sold the remaining defensive stocks including all the drugs while adding to our economically sensitive and technology holdings as well as to some additional special situations. We only bought best in class with excellent managements, winning strategies, strong financials and above average dividends/cash flow. We remain fully invested today as we still believe that our economy has years to run especially if there are trade deals as we expect.

Our first quarter GNP forecast has risen from 1.5% four weeks ago to 2.4+% today. Real growth for the year will most likely surpass 2.7%. Stronger growth will translate into higher than expected profits as corporations entered 2019 lean and mean. We continue to favor investing in the U.S., and also in China, as growth will be better than expected while interest rates will remain subdued as inflationary pressures will stay muted along with capital inflow from abroad arbitraging lower rates overseas. Again, while investing in the Emerging Markets, Europe and Japan look so temping as valuations appear so cheap, we feel that the risks are too high if trade deals are not reached. The bottom line is that our market remains 10% undervalued today with many stocks having far more upside than the market. Active management should outperform passive management in this environment. We have for sure!

There’s no place like home.

Let’s look at the economic data points reported last week that support our view that economic activity has indeed accelerated in the U.S. and China while not yet in Europe and Japan.

1.) The United States economy continued to improve through over the last two months as evidenced by: the U.S. trade deficit narrowed in February to an eight-month  low of $49.4 billion reflecting a 1.1 percent rise in exports and only a 0.2% increase in imports; U.S. retail sales rose 1.6% in March, the largest gain since September 2017; chain store sales rose 5.0% last week; the Beige Book came out seeing slight-to-moderate growth across the U.S. with an improving housing market; and first-quarter earnings reported so far are exceeding forecasts.

On the other hand, February manufactures and trade inventories rose 0.3% from January while sales rose 0.1% so the Inventory/sales ratio rose slightly to 1.39. Industrial production fell 0.1% in March but has since rebounded in April.

Trade talks opened officially with Europe and Japan last week. It is interesting to note that France and Belgium were against new trade talks with the U.S. at this time. We continue to believe that reaching a trade deal with Europe will be difficult which will hurt Europe’s economy far more than ours. On a more positive note, it appears that trade talks with China are progressing well with a possible signing ceremony as soon as Memorial Day.

We expect that the U.S. economy will accelerate over the next few quarters and will get an added boost in 2020 once trade deals are implemented. Also, don’t count out the power of the Presidency to stimulate growth into the elections.

2.) China’s economy accelerated throughout the first quarter: GNP rose 6.4%, factory output jumped 8.5% in March, retail sales expanded 8.7% and investment was up 6.3%. The government is taking no chances so it is considering added stimulus to boost consumer demand to mitigate any threats posed by trade tensions with the U.S.. The government has already unveiled tax and fee cuts amounting to $300 billion while the Central Bank has cut banks’ reserve requirement rations five times over the last year to spur lending.

We expect China’s economy to expand by 6.5% for the year and better next year once trade deals are implanted removing business/consumer uncertainty that exists today.

3.) We remain concerned about prospects for the Eurozone until there are financial, economic, regulatory and trade reforms needed to better compete globally. The ECB can’t do it alone. While the Eurozone PMI rose slightly to 47.8 in April, it is still hovering at its second lowest level since April 2013 as output fell for the third month in a row. In addition, new orders were down for a seventh consecutive month; input buying has fallen and business hiring has stagnated. Certainly not a pretty picture. By the way, Germany, the engine of Europe, cut its economic forecast in half for 2019 to just 0.5%. The German government simply refuses to use its budget surplus to stimulate growth which would assist the whole region.

While we would expect trade deals to be a near term boost to Eurozone growth, it won’t be the long-term answer until the region faces its real imbedded problems.

4.) We expect the BOJ to cut its economic projections for Japan next week. Recent data for exports and production remain weak while consumer demand has been sluggish impacted by weak wage gains. Japan badly needs the U.S. ad China to reach a trade deal to be followed by a trade deal between the U.S. and Japan in order for growth to pick up. We would avoid investing in Japan until trade deals are reached as their economy is simply too reliant on exports.

Looking ahead, we have gained added confidence that our global economic and financial outlook is close to the mark. We continue to favor investing in the United States and China as growth has already accelerated while avoiding the Eurozone and Japan until trade deals are reached. We are monitoring all trade talks closely as deals will lead to an acceleration in global growth in 2020 and beyond. And, we do not expect much of a pick-up in inflationary pressures due to the competitiveness of globalization, rapid changes in technology and the rise of disruptors industry by industry pressuring prices.

How have we changed our portfolios over the last few weeks?

As we gained added confidence in our economic outlook and after listening to many first quarter earnings calls, it is clear that corporate profits will be higher than initially forecasted in 2019. Maybe it was a blessing that everyone turned pessimistic in the fourth quarter as it is obvious that corporations entered this year with a very conservative outlook therefore any positive economic surprises will rapidly translate into higher than expected earnings. Virtually all of the companies that we own in our portfolios that have reported so far have raised their forecasts for this year.

We want to make a brief comment on the drug stocks. Healthcare stocks went from 40% of our portfolios in October to 20% in January to virtually nil today. The primary reasons are that their valuations reached historical highs as safe havens in the fourth quarter, relative earnings growth was narrowing to more economically sensitive parts of the economy and the government was challenging health care pricing/costs/profits. One of our rules is to avoid areas where the government is in your face and own areas where the government is behind your backs. Clearly health care pricing will be a political football over the next two years so why swim upstream owning them until they get really cheap. Not yet!

We currently own global industrial and capital goods companies like HON; technology at a fair price to growth including the semis like INTC; cable with content like DIS; housing related to benefit from low interest rates like HD; low cost industrial commodity companies generating huge positive cash flow like RIO; global financials domestically domiciled like C; domestic steel and many special situations. We remain flat the dollar although we expect it to weaken once trade deals are reached and we believe that the yield curve will grudgingly steepen as growth accelerates.

Review all the facts; pause, reflect and consider mindset shifts; look at your asset mix with risk controls; do independent research and…

Invest Accordingly!

Bill Ehrman Paix et Prospérité LLC

[fluidsf]

Resonant Visions 1

공중도둑 (Mid-Air Thief): 무너지기 (Crumbling) (2018)

Album Cover by 신혜정

Reviewed format: Self-released Digital Album by 공중도둑 (Mid-Air Thief)

Welcome to the first in a new series of reviews on this blog focused on connecting graphic design, illustration, photography of music releases with the music contained within as well as reviewing both the artwork and music I select based on my personal taste. With this series I aim to showcase both quality release artwork as well as its effect on the perception of the music. Today I have for you this album by South Korean artist 공중도둑 (Mid-Air Thief) titled 무너지기 (Crumbling), this album was Self-released by 공중도둑 (Mid-Air Thief) in 2018. The download of this album features the Album Cover in good resolution as well as the 8 album tracks in 16-bit/44.1kHz CD quality audio, with total timing of 45 minutes. The Album Cover you can see above is by 신혜정 , I couldn't find any info on the artist online unfotunately with the name being very common in South Korea. The artwork has a very vintage kind of look to it, a grainy analogue photograph of a man fishing near the sea on a dark brown beach and with subdued blue sky conjurs up ideas of a retro sounding album of simple down to earth music. However the artist name and album title in multi-coloured silhouette like Korean characters in which the artist name is bended adds the element of Psychedelia to the vibe of the artwork, hinting at something subtly trippy inside. A really nicely minimal artwork design that puts the focus on the photograph but adds that spacey twist to the design with the character design. And indeed the album sounds quite like I imagined from looking closely to this cover, the music is K-folk with plenty of psychedelic elements in it, subdued vocals and a down to earth yet playful ambience to all the songs. Yet it's more experimental than I thought it'd be, so the character design's multi-colours do give away that there's in fact a lot of electronics and creative (lo-fi) effect experiments in the production of the songs and it's much trippier than I expected. So the album cover gives a good idea of the music but be ready to expect something quite different too.

Now onto the review of the actual songs on 무너지기 (Crumbling). The album's 8 tracks are mostly longer than an average folk song featuring expansive compositions in terms of vocal melodies and instrumental arrangements of the songs that often feature these curious and interesting psychedelic twists in their chord progressions as well as the aforementioned usage of synths, synth bass and sometimes electronic beats. This music has a very cinematic feel to it as well, with the story-telling through melodies and vocals (although I don't understand Korean unfortunately) combined with the many experimental details in the production as well as usage of a lot of shifting in the depth of the space the music is performed in, adding interesting acoustic effects to the music that put you as the listener inside the house (?) or room the music is performed in. First song 왜? (Why?) starts with some cool electronic filtered experimentation and then moves to the main part of the song. The male singer and female singer both sing in this warm tone over bright acoustic guitar. Apart from the musical content I especially like the lo-fi recording hiss and slightly fuzzy saturated sound the music on this album has, it gives it a great warm vintage sound (like the analogue photo on the cover) that still feels contemporary and authentic too however. On 왜? (Why?) the music moves from acoustic subtle parts to more intense synth layered fiery parts in which the vocals get accompanied by arpeggiated sharp high pitched synths and punchy compressed drums dancing around the room. A filter is also used to add interesting buildups in this piece created an ambience that subtly moves from bright to more subdued back again and the tuning of the synths is also different in the second half from the first which creates exciting new harmonies. The song feels pretty abstract in its melodies and rhythms too actually, this is catchy music but it's also more complex than your average folk song but if you keep vibing with this it definitely works. Then on 쇠사슬 (Ahhhh, These Chains!) we have a more acoustic oriented song which also features glockenspiel. The song moves in a waltz like tempo and features plenty of tinkling guitars through the stereo field, intense compressed drums punching through the mix pretty nicely as well as various synth elements creating a dense trippy atmosphere that is maybe a bit too maximalist to some people but I like this kind of excess, this is great. There's several great soloing on the acoustic guitar as well and a great instrumental outro part, really wild and fun Psychedelic Folk music. 감은 듯 (Gameun Deut) is a more conventional sounding K-folk song but it's definitely really fun with the dense sounding production almost drowning out the subtle male and female vocals but it works and the song feels full of joyful vibrant positive energy, the psychedelic harmonic twists and easy going Asian pop vocal melody styles feeling very pleasant and tasteful. The song also features a subdued musical / soundtrack like bridge part which sounds pretty old-school like from an old Korean drama film, very good. 곡선과 투과광 (Curve and Light) has a very cool funky sound to it with grooving drums, grinding (strings) bass and vibrant warm synths that also still sounds very Korean but with that pleasant hazy lo-fi filter over it and a quirky playful middle part which features only vocals and weird quirky synths as well as these cool mechanic clangs adding an unexpected Industrial element to the mix. This subtly moves to an intense second half with a half-step groove, flashing funky synths and jumpy electronic drums also featuring that nice Industrial clanging percussion. What is great about the vocals combined with the sometimes more fiery parts is that the male and female singer never really exaggerate their vocals but stay pretty calm singing them which adds a nice warm element of peace to the music, very nice. 함께 무너지기 (Crumbling Together) is the album's longest song at almost 10 minutes and it's exactly the right length. The songs moves into various directions melodically and arangement (and production) wise, the crumbling theme is put into music here through tinkling instruments, and the "broken" sound of the recording of the male vocals about two minutes into the song. This quite like a progressive Folk kind of song, subtly shifting progressing from ambience to more fully-fledged "crumbling" parts of tinkling and "falling" instrument clouds. Highlights in this song include the Middle Eastern strings at the start of the second half of the song as well as the sea field recordings added to the acoustic guitar and bell like instrument at the end, this sound directly feels like what the album cover looks like. 함께 무너지기 (Crumbling Together) feels like a great sweet subtle kind of story told through music moving into mysterious but also vibrant and rich directions but it all comes down to magical experiences in a calm place near the sea, peaceful living, that's what it feels like. 수호자 (Protector) is brighter and more explosive again, in a waltz like tempo the song features positive and "calmly excited" melodies and soothing vocals that then burst into explosive climaxes full of glistening synths, intense drums and bass as well as pleasant acoustic guitar as well. There are those sweet Middle Eastern strings here as well, this song feels quite a bit more Rock too, sweet piece. 흙 (Dirt) features some great trippy psychedelic melodies and synth twists and effects, male and female vocals and his this great kind of fairground twisted circus kind of vibe to it that the best of classic 60s psychedelic music has, very nice. It's very trippy and fun at times but also just as dynamic and varied in its progression and vocals as the other songs. Quite an experience. 무소식 (No Answer) continues the psychedelic theme from the previous song somewhat though with a less explosive sound, the song seems to continously build with a warm sweet atmosphere and some great synth and sound effects in the second half adding to the male and female vocals. The song does remind me a bit of MGMT in its sound actually, nice psychedelic folk kind of piece and a great closing song of this album, though at the end I wish there was more as it ends when you'd hoped it would continue, still a good song though.

무너지기 (Crumbling) by 공중도둑 (Mid-Air Thief) is an excellent South Korean Psychedelic Folk / Folktronica album with a sweet mellow but also often vibrant cinematic kind of peaceful introverted ambience. The songs are really well written and vocal and instrumental performances are great as well as the excellent top-notch productions. This is a great warm cozy but also adventurous listen of an album also for listeners who don't understand the lyrics and 신혜정's Album Cover matches the music rather well and is good invitation to listen. Recommended music for people looking for Korean folk music in a more independent, psychedelic minded direction with less of a mainstream / pop sound to it but sounding more local / experimental. Also definitely recommended for anyone looking for great independent music from Asia, this is one of my favourite reviewed releases of 2019 too. Recommended album.

Digital Album is available from the 공중도둑 (Mid-Air Thief) Bandcamp page here: https://midairthief.bandcamp.com/album/crumbling

[anthonianrhapsody-blog]

Whispering Thoughts

by Arielle Bustamante

Moving forward bit by bit to the edge of the tip of a mountain, she realized that she was being pushed by her own intention and was holding still with only one hope, but the grasp of embracing to the good side and half of it to the bad side. Falling down full of confusion and anxiety, she closed her eyes, feeling the warm kisses and the loving tenderness of a tight hug until she finally reached the extent of the depths of her despair, buried with the smell of rotten food. She sought her true self down to her true identity and the memories that were worth more than any of her possessions. Slowly breathing out all of her negativity, she calmed herself with a sweet voice that was heard through the slow tempo of a song, and opened her eyes. She knew that it was just a dream, but a dream that had been kept in her mind and in her heart, full of miseries. But the only thing that she remembered was her own name. Her name was Vinyl. Stretching every part of her body including her legs and arms, yawning with a wide stretch of her mouth with the sound of an exhausted person, she looked to the mirror and ended up saying three words that ran through her mind with desperation. Without even noticing, she spoke, “Who am I?” It still marked the dream that was unforgettable and a mystery in her full emotions and thoughts. Vinyl still didn’t know her true self, only her name. She even didn’t know how she ended up staying in a mansion that was quite peaceful perhaps on the outside but clueless on the inside. She imaged that she was just an empty container without anything inside, waiting to be filled up with something and expecting to useful somehow. Of all the things that she could think of, it was that she was living in the same world as the other people did but as she passed by the corridors of the mansion, she expected that she was known by all of the people, and yet the feeling of being rejected by the person you know will accept you even though you’re being as hard as metal that was hard to be broken. She accepted the fact that there was a missing piece that she couldn’t get through with and being clueless as it seemed. All she did was keep on doing the things that a rich person could possibly have and can do without even stopping them because all she thought was that she lived in a mansion with all the possessions and necessities that she could have. She had entered through all kinds of rooms, with different kinds of appearances and ambiances inside of a room, but it seemed that there was a room for her that she couldn’t even dare herself to enter because of the feeling of her rapid beating heart and breathing through her lungs. Even she had everything without even knowing where all of these things came from and with just a snap, it can also be wasted. She had it all but all of these were just temporary, temporary to make her happy and start again with her mindset of being all alone. 

She stopped being a spoiled brat to herself even though no one even cared about what she did, what she said, and what she decided for herself because all she knew was that she never existed as a person as she could possibly be. From the day that she woke up, starting to consume her with more than just a bucket of tears but also more than just a jar of thoughts, thoughts that hindered her to escape from the barricade and to see the reality behind those barriers. Vinyl was always that kind of person that always spoke to herself, saying, “Whatever happens, I know there is always a reason.” She kept on saying these lines everyday together with the ticking of a clock but to every dilemma that she could think of seemed that she couldn’t find the reason to make her satisfied with all of these.   On a Sunday morning, she heated up her boost of confidence through the warm heat of wood being lighted. Walking through a path, seeing the patch of blue skies and a harmonized sea, she encountered a good looking boy with a good sense of fashion and perhaps he didn’t look like he lived in this kind of place. Vinyl, out of a blue moon, suddenly felt that she already knew that boy with just a quick glance, gazing into his eyes and going deeper to who he really was. In the depths of seeing herself like an unusual self of an ordinary person was like being drowned by the dense of lies and floating of truth away from the land. Looking straight in the midpoint of the view she was focused on and rather not to strike her gaze upon the eyes of the only person she would not expect that he would be the one to give the surprise that would light up her day to suddenly that will pop up at the back of her mind to get back all of her memories. As the boy stepped on each of the tiles, getting closer to Vinyl, he brushed his hair with the arrogant perspective. Through the way, he straightened up his shirt, seeing a firm personality. “I can see the burdens which are buried down to your grave of your miseries, seeing that you have in mind that hinders you to tell to someone. Aren’t you?” he said. Vinyl focused her sight and listened to the voice of like a highly honored man, imagining that he was professional into something. “Look how certain you are to predict everything that the world would evolve around me. That wouldn’t happen,” she said. With an amusement like the fireworks touching the sky and hitting the bull’s eye in a dart, he said “Yes, I’m assured that I really know you, Vinyl, and I can assure you that coming from the smallest up to the biggest things that you equipped since the day that you have come to this world.” A horrific expression suddenly crossed the veins of Vinyl with cold chills and sudden sickness that was evident in her whole body. Even she kept on remembering that she had this feeling that he had been part of her life that accompanied her since she was kid throughout the stage of adulthood. She decided that she would travel around the world by following her sense of instinct, or the first thing that would come into her mind. And the place that came into her mind was Lincoln, Nebraska. She immediately packed her things with the hesitation if she would say her farewell to the people inside the mansion even if in their mindset, she never existed. She wrote a letter to those she really valued the most, even with their perception that she was nothing but a piece of a coin that would just be thrown away. She had known it all along that she didn’t belong to the place she wanted to belong to. Living like a plant that was supported with a specific need and died little by little when it couldn’t live like they used to be anymore. Living in the first 3 months in her migration in Lincoln, Nebraska to the starting point of her, to live in a new environment seemed  like she had already experienced all kinds of punishments that she didn’t perhaps deserve it. She met the first person that she didn’t expect and his name was Eros. By another chance and another opportunity to be a another person to the perspective of another’s eye, all things seemed to go to plan like what it looked like on the outside looks of her; she even looked like a Barbie doll that didn’t receive any direct sunlight because of her flawless skin. Vinyl thought comparing her outside looks first but when she accidentally bumped into her shoulder, she didn’t expect by any chance she’d been noticed by that girl. She introduced herself with the right diction. “I didn’t mean to bump you intentionally. Even I saw you that you were taking a sneak peek on me and I don’t know if there is something wrong with my looks or the way I act, but I just really want say that I’m sorry for bumping you because I didn’t think that you were supposed to go across the direction that I’m also going to. Perhaps let me treat you with a better meal,” Vinyl said, immediately in a stuttering voice, releasing her unexpected choice of words that first came into her mind. “I don’t even mind if you did it intentionally or even not. What really matters is that you are sincerely apologizing and I accept that. It’s okay. Also, thank you for the offer but I think I will pass. Hmm, maybe some other time...?” “Vinyl, you can call me just Vinyl.” “Oh, Vinyl. What a really unique name, do you have any nicknames or even a surname?” “To the back of my thoughts down to my deeper memories, I just can’t remember anything. All I know is just my name.” “I see. Well, I don’t want to force you to remember anything or even your name. It’s nice meeting you, just even knowing only your first name. Oh, and btw, I’m Venus Kelly. Don’t treat me like I’m the same with other people, being happy go lucky and being like they are all above other people, reigning to their own rules… well, before I used to be one of them but it goes around quite different this time. Anyway, I would be happy if I can be your friend.” “Sure, I would love to but aren’t you afraid of me? All along the way, I’m being just nobody but how you treated me, it’s different from what I expected.” “Why would I? You even have the urge to talk to me like this and I would greatly accept you for who you are. So just be yourself.” Being loved again and to the time has come for her waiting to an end. Going through a life long journey is on the middle of a journey in a dessert, going through hardships but the worth will come. They became friends, indeed like destined sisters going all through their ups and downs to their friendship, surviving their dilemmas, and coping with change. All they knew was that they didn’t need  anyone to complete them. Having each other was a chain that was unbreakable and locked since the day they met each other. After a year, everything seemed fine. Having a family or like a sister carried all the burdens since that day and changed the mindset into something new. Looking through the window with a cup of coffee, sipping the warm taste of dark coffee and the moisture of the heat going through another dimension of reality and out of nowhere, after a year, she saw Eros again with the same perspective and direction to where she was looking at. She immediately ran towards him to get the answer she’d been looking for since the day she met him. “Eros! I will not let this thing slip again. I would like to ask something about my past, my past memories. I bet I have so much things that I must know for myself.” “I really expected that you would come for me because you would like to ask those questions that run in your mind. Well, I’m willing to give you those answers since you’re being left behind and knowing your true self.”

As Vinyl put her ears on track and her eyes on focus, the numbness of her palm as the slow dropping of her sweat that might give her a jaw dropping result to her answers. “You still don’t know, don’t you? You don’t seem to notice that you are being neglected and rejected by people you try to reach out to, but the connection doesn’t seem to match to the way you want because you still don’t know the truth. Okay, let me start. You died Vinyl, yo…” “Do you expect me to believe you? To believe all those lies? I would rather not fall into your trap, Eros, not again.” “Well, I’m not also expecting you to believe me, I’m just here to tell you for the sake of those things that hinder you from doing things and to guide you to the right path where you belong to. So do you mind letting me continue?” “Go on.” “As I said, you died a long time ago, Vinyl, since that day you opened up your eyes and you felt the struck of your inexistence. You died because you have done an immoral sin in which you killed your own individuality that caused you to erase and forget all your memories that you most valued. It’s your own job and obligation to bring back all your memories if you know how to bring back your own self. Find that missing jigsaw puzzle and you can find the answer.” “But how come Venus can see me despite the other people who might think that she is talking to herself?” “Because she has the ability to connect with the other dimension in which she is the chosen one to help you with your mission to bring back yourself.” “But what will happen to myself and to Venus if we successfully find the missing piece? Will this be the cause of the breakage of our relationship and can this be the loss of the ability of Venus?” “Somehow, it might be the case of the reality of your world.” As Vinyl urged to release all her doubts and confusion, she pushed herself to reach the edge of her throat to say the things that she wanted to say but unfortunately, in one snap, she wasn’t able to come after Eros and he was gone. Containing in an isolated place where no one can reach the extent to it but only herself where she can put endlessly all she’s been thinking because she is the only one that has it. There was a purpose that destiny brought Vinyl back to Lincoln, Nebraska because there was a map to find the location of the missing puzzle pieces and to put it together in a destined place where all her memories could be back again. She never knew that one of the keys to unlocking the treasure was Venus wherein Eros said that she was the destined one to help Vinyl set free her miseries towards her to lose out of control of her immoral sin, that reason why she was still trapped in a never ending world she’d been into. She never opened her briefcase since the day she moved in to the place where Venus lived. When there was something that Vinyl bothered in which she is not herself when she did her packing. She opened it with a click of the lock and slowly dripping of her sweat down to the briefcase and she saw an old locket, a diary with a small keyhole on the side to be opened by a key, and an embroidered handkerchief with the initials “V & E.” All of these things marked in her mind that this was intended and on purpose to show Vinyl that there was a truth behind all of it, to bring back her memories. Started with an old locket in which there was a small picture of a woman that looked like her and man on a suit that somehow looked familiar to her. At the back of the locket, there were also initials which she had already seen on the handkerchief. To the diary in which there was a specific key that will unlock the diary. She tended to throw things out of sight just to find what she’d been looking for but as she was about to lose faith and give up, reflecting in the light of a shimmering glow inside the handkerchief where there were the embroidered initials, there she saw a silver key inside it. She placed it on the keyhole, slowly turning the key, and it fit to unlock the diary. She noticed that there were also initials in the diary, written on the side of it, “V & E.” It had been 3 days since she began reading every detailed parts of the life she was supposed to continue. But it ended up this way. It gave her the hint through one part of the diary. “To the person that I once loved,           I bet that in the perfect time, you will be better than the person who is writing this because you wouldn’t know that you can be my future self. I’ve put myself into a critical decision that I decided that it will be better than to live in the past that I’m living right now. Even though I will not anymore be around as myself, you can continue what you have started. But can you promise me that you won’t forget everything that I have kept, most especially to one of the chosen people that I really loved and valued the most.           Please keep in mind our father and our mother that even they abandoned me as their only child. I would keep in mind and in my heart that they have supported me and given an undying love that I don’t even deserve. To the person that I have loved and treasured the most up to my extent of my life, Eros. Please look after him and give him the most undying love, care, and support that I’d not given to him when I was still living. Make him happy and be yourself and don’t force yourself to be like me, my old self, because I know that when you live, you’re the right person that Eros would choose to love. To my most precious friend, Venus Kelly, I know she’s been suffering and down blaming herself for what happened to me. She might have a bucket of tears each day. Please let her feel that even in another persona, she may still feel my existence in you. Love her, all her ups and downs, and don’t let her be alone at times she needs you. And lastly, to the person that even I have suffered deeply with wounds every single day and pulling me to go to the wrong path that I’ve taken before and now I regret to what I’ve made and now to pass my responsibility into another persona. I trust you to my future self. I know that you can be better than me. I already predicted that this would happen because God has given me the extinct and the signs throughout all of this. I hope that you will not also regret the decision of putting you into this kind of situation and do not make the same mistake that I have done. I hope you can remember the key to your memories.                                                                                                      Your loving self,                                                                                                     Vinyl Hazeldine” It gave her the struck of her memories, flowing throughout her mind and recalling all the things that had happened but still no signs of feeling the same like the old Vinyl. Continuous flowing of tears through her crystal-like eyes gave so much pain in the heart of Venus like a needle slowly being pressed in her chest, seeing her friend able to remember everything but suffering with it. Venus gave Vinyl a very well deserved tight hug that she most needed as her voice slowly released, softly and swiftly. “You remembered everything, my friend. I’m waiting for you for a very long time, going back to this place and start again from beginning even it is not you anymore, even you are different.” “I may not anymore be the Vinyl that you knew before but I can still be the Vinyl that will keep all the memories that we have treasured and I will not anymore leave you just like what I did before, I promise.” “You still don’t remember that your parents aren’t living anymore?” “I can probably say so. To just what I have remembered, they died because of me.” “It’s not what you think, it is only what you thought before because of the wound that you’ve gained from then. But don’t blame yourself that it’s all your fault. They died because of a car accident. Based from the investigation of the police, they have evidences that the location that they were about to go to was your location where you died. Always remember that a parent will always be a parent. They cannot abandon their own responsibilities. It’s not because of their responsibilities that they came to you but because they love you, Vinyl. Even if they abandoned you as their daughter, they have given you so much love that a worth of money can’t level.” “The pressure inside me really motivates me to be a better Vinyl Hazeldine. I really must find the other missing puzzle pieces and I know that I’m almost there, to the end line.” Vinyl visited the grave of her parents. She prayed sincerely with wholehearted prayers and she apologized for the past mistakes that she had done. She left a bouquet of daffodils put into a vase and lit a rose-scented candle. While leaving the marks of her past through each path she passed, she had already conquered her fear to the reason and the place of miseries where she had died. Looking down with a down curve of her eyes, falling apart through her tears, and almost getting to the way of the fast phase of cars, a tight grip pulling her to the side street made her hug the guy that saved her life. When she looked straight upon the gazed eye contact of Eros, the twilight stars twinkling showed upon and her heart racing so fast, she remembered that this happened before and this feelings went back again. She was indeed in love again. “Are you alright? I have this feeling that you were gonna be in this kind of situation, and my intuition was right. We’ve all been waiting for you and this day was the right time you have gained your true self. And I’m also waiting for you, Vinyl, my love.” As Eros wiped the tears of joy of Vinyl, she just hugged him as a teddy bear and let him continue say the words that she’d been waiting for through the ambiance of their love. “I already knew from the start since, I saw you back then in front of the mansion, that you were not the Vinyl that I know before. I’ve always been following you because I miss you so much and I’m waiting for you to come back again. I still love for who you are even you are in different persona, you still have the existence of Vinyl Hazeldine. But there is one thing that you don’t know about me. I’m still Eros that you loved but I’m a God that gave you all of these burdens, sufferings, and realizations for you to remember again and to be reborn again as the better Vinyl. I didn’t do it on purpose or intentionally, it made me do it even the replacement is also to suffer because I want you for the better and I love you.” Vinyl felt the speed of her mind and heart in reaction to each line that Eros was saying. Blood flowwed rapidly in the hands of Vinyl as she eagerly wanted to do it. She slapped Eros with tears of disappointment flowing. “Why did you even do it? Do you know how painful it was for me to know that all of these came from you, Eros?!” “I knew it all along that you would react this way. Do you even know how it is hard to open up this serious topic because I want you to know everything? I don’t want to lie to you again and I want to end the painful memories that all of us are experiencing. I will grant a wish for you, Vinyl.” “What kind of wish that you think this will change the situation that I’m experiencing every single day? Do you even know that you were about to give me will change everything?’ “I can’t guarantee that will change everything into good place. But I must say that the decision is still up to you.” “Let me hear those words from you.” “I will make you live like a human again. I’m not abusing my powers as a God but it is the will of the highest God and to my decision that I wanted to make. But there is a condition.” “I will let you finish until I make my final decision.” “You will be reborn again as Vinyl Hazeldine but the memories that you have input into your mind for a lifetime will all be erased once again but to the people that you value the most will still be in existence and will remain all the memories in you.” “So do you want me to live again with the same sufferings and miseries? Is that what you intended to say?” “No, but I want you to live as a human being and not in spiritual presence. Also, it is not my intention for you to suffer again. One condition is also stated that all the happy moments of the people you treasured will remain and it will eradicate all their sufferings as well.” Recalling using her mind palace and her heart conspirating. The needle that Venus had experienced was occurring in the chest of Vinyl as it continued to put pressure on it and continue to bleed as the scars of the wound left behind but as she made the decision if this will make her live a peaceful and joyful life with butterflies flying in colors? “Yes, you heard it right. That I’ve made my decision and I want that wish to happen.” “I’m sorry but it’s only our choice and my choice to be with you once again and I don’t want to lose you again. It is not easy for me to do this but I must. But I have one favor. Please close your eyes and imagine that you are in an isolated place that is all white and think that you are in peace and this will lead you to…” As he was about to continue to what he is saying, Vinyl fell asleep and fell into the plan of Eros. “All white, nothing more and nothing less but it is only me. It is just me that feels the ambiance of love, hearing a bunch of voices with laughter and soft voices crying, and the smell of a sea being in silence and peace?” “Vinyl?” “Venus? If you’re here please let me see you. I want you here.” With a desperate voice and reaching the extent of her vocal chords, she cried in a stuttering voice. Venus hugged Vinyl tightly as she couldn’t possibly breathe. “Vinyl, do you know why we are here? Do you know what is this place?” “You probably know the reason. Aren’t you Venus?” “Yes, I am. We are in your mind palace, Vinyl. It is the only place that we can talk in a very long time than being in the reality world. As you can notice, as we lived together for about a year already, I couldn’t even touch you or even be with you for a long time because you are in spiritual presence, Vinyl, and I’m in human form. I have only this ability but it is only temporary that’s why Eros made this plan because you have made the decision and I understand you, Vinyl. I would still be your best buddy and your precious friend. I would never forget you and I will wait for you once again. I love you. Farewell, my friend, and see you soon on the other side.” Every gesture of her mouth while she spoke, single drop of her tears being in filtered into her happy moments of her life. As the view of Vinyl began to blur and the feeling of wanted to rest. She couldn’t anymore see anyone but her spirit was still active, she heard the voice like Eros. “I love you, my dear Vinyl. I will be waiting for you on the other side. Please forgive me for what I’ve done. I promise that this won’t happen anymore.”

[imsickoftheseshadows]

the college boys - revisited, 11/9

Midnight fog loomed wildly over the hillside, with winds as gentle as his damask rose kiss; a wavering sense of stability falling, falling, falling beneath our feet -- I held his flask to my bosom, in his hand, and matched his gaze. We embraced, then inexorably parted, as our cloak of intemperance would be lifted by daylight. That was my final memory of him -- B -- the other one, C, had fallen ill, and seemingly disappeared from my consciousness; but he had been there, too. I was sure of it.

Three seasons passed before the College Boys acknowledged my disappearance -- Perhaps they had blocked out reminiscences of our conversations about art for the sake of art; or failed to recollect that I had fallen from both of their beds, wearing remnants of night beneath my eyes. I assumed the mauve lipstick I had kissed them with had stained their ivory pillows. The days following our carouses, I would bathe, but I had suddenly ceased feeling cleansed -- it was never quite clear if I had consciously left, or been a novelty to them -- forgotten about with the passage of time.

Each party was the same: a revel for the sake of youth, and the perceived scarcity of such -- We could die tomorrow! But we had failed to understand that we would sooner cause our own deaths than prevent them.

C, whom I had known before the others, was the only one to contact me after I stopped coming to their parties -- I agreed to see him again, on the hillside, by the ocean, off of Mulholland Highway.

-------

My friend killed himself.

I was catching up with C when his new roommate silently walked into the kitchen, then climbed up onto a stool -- he was wearing a hoodie from some middle-American high school; his eyes were more carmine than cyan.

He said it nonchalantly -- he gaped at the floor, then anticipated our silence. The tone of the house rapidly soured; I had rehearsed a joke about something meaningless prior to his revelation. B walked in thereafter, and I began to gnaw at the inside of my cheek.

The new roommate soon introduced himself after I had crossed and uncrossed my legs a dozen times, half-listening to his story about this person he had known, but became numb to; half-feeling as though I should have stayed home.

His glassy stare became one of weariness, and he retired to his bedroom, leaving me to converse with B. I could not meet his eyes, after all of the time that had passed. I was so nervous -- I mispronounced “hedonistic.”

--------

Everyone knew I had changed -- they told me I looked older.

The bottles from Halloween were ripe with decay; the number of cigarettes strewn about the courtyard had doubled. I began to chain-smoke whilst I watched the new brothers begin to clean the mansion, as one of their fraternity’s pledge activities -- C and I sat outside, while B rushed up the spiral stairwell to seize his laptop.

He showed me the art film he had written and directed over the summer. It mimicked Donnie Darko in its score, though the rest of it was decidedly B -- I had loved the screenplay when he e-mailed it to me last year; I had loved him, all the same. The star of the film, an ocean-eyed brunette, resembled the women he slept with, but never dated.

It was still difficult to meet his stare.

It reminded me of when I first encountered him beneath the gazebo, last December; except this time, I was the one with the cigarette in hand, I was sitting between them, and not on the outskirts --

So, what now?

We went inside and talked about our futures, as we always did, though we found that our post-college dreams had transcended California. 

We all ended up hating Los Angeles, anyway -- we thought New York or Chicago would change the fact that cities are generally isolating, even with the universe seemingly at our feet. Alas, we were ignorant to think the skyscrapers would look different; we would be shackled to the characters we had seen in films, and the lives we thought we deserved to live.

No matter how many times we altered our perceptions, the outcome had always been the same -- we’d make love to ourselves, talking out our bright futures, then make love to each other, grasping for a depth that had not been explored by most of our peers.

---------

I turned over a new leaf, I laughingly told them. They took bong rips while talking over a love song I had listened to with my first boyfriend. The middle-American boys who talked like men with New York accents -- B, in particular, was from Hawaii.

He was only able to catch my gaze after his senses had been adequately dulled. A void of emotion, and the past, invited us to delve in.

Come up to my room -- I have a poem I want you to see.

I sat on his floor while he sprawled out next to me; we attempted to discuss our new “creative” ventures. I could tell that he wanted to touch me. The night we kissed beneath our friend’s fire escape flashed across his wilting visage as I finished my final sentence, and he grinned.

I had never even added his phone number to my contacts -- our attraction simply existed as it was. Ephemeral. It was electrifying, and I had been honest with him. When we met, he was taken, and I was intoxicated -- I slapped his face, and told him to slap me back -- hard -- which he did, and C fell on the floor as he watched our exchange. I left my twenty-first birthday party to be with him, solely to swap a cramped apartment for a two-seater car, in a laughable endeavor to escape our friends. I had been attracted to C too, but I loved them in disparate ways.

B’s bandana was his crucial accessory; he was perpetually in character, making his arthouse films, attending a university that looked more like a resort than a college, that stressed its devotion to God-- C went to the same school, wore vintage prep-school polos, wrote beautifully, and grew up in Georgia. I was from California, unlike the others, and was always self-conscious around university students, even though I was one, myself -- in my cynicism, I had thought we tried to be unique, but were cheap imitations of beat poets.

But tonight -- tonight was different from any other time I had spent time with the College Boys. It was past midnight; C had retired to bed, B and I stayed up to ponder on what I had asked -- So, what now? 

Three seasons, gone -- two seasons before it’s all over. I stood up, went to him, and kissed the inside of his elbow. 

Outside, the stars were dim in comparison to the moon; streetlights didn’t exist in their neighborhood. I knew that the freeway would be closed and under construction by the time I left, and I would have to take the scenic route home.

[wallythayer]

Cultivating Courage

On a beautiful summer evening in 2016, actress Christiana Clark was walking her dog in Ashland, Ore., where she was performing with the Oregon Shakespeare Festival (OSF). A man on a bicycle approached, and she pulled out her earbuds to hear him say, “It’s still an Oregon law — I could kill a black person and be out of jail in a day and a half. Look it up. The KKK is alive and well here.”

Clark, who is African American, was badly shaken. Carolyn and Daniel Verner, who live nearby, heard what sounded like someone being threatened and rushed outside. They asked Clark if she was being harassed and if she was all right, offering warmth and a welcome sense of safety in a deeply unsettling moment.

Clark spoke courageously about the incident the following week at OSF’s Juneteenth celebration. She later participated in a series of festival and city-sponsored forums on racism designed to strengthen Ashland’s commitment to justice and equality. In a Facebook video recorded after the incident, Clark vowed to “work hard to work this off and find love.”

Clark, the Verners, OSF, and the Ashland community all knew their decisions to confront racism carried some risks, but they each did it anyway.

That takes courage.

Clark could have made the under-standable choice to stay silent in the wake of the incident, or to lash out in anger. The Verners could have opted to stay in their home and not get involved. OSF and the Ashland community could have brushed the incident under the rug, fearful of risking the city’s reputation as a welcoming place.

Instead, they all acted in accordance with their values rather than their personal interests. In doing so, they transformed an encounter with hate into a reason for hope.

Choosing Courage

Whether it’s intervening in an act of bullying or harassment, defending our views at the family dinner table, or refraining from unkind gossip, standing up for ourselves and others takes guts.

It also takes heart. Best-selling author Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, has written and spoken extensively about courage — a term, she notes, that comes from the Latin word for “heart.”

Courage encompasses both the inner strength and the vulnerability required to authentically share ourselves and our experiences, good and bad. Some of us need to gather the nerve to speak up, while others may find it hard to resist the natural rush to anger, defensiveness, or aggression. In both cases, we suppress the vulnerability that true courage requires.

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional,” Brown writes in Daring Greatly. “Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage.”

Yet there are material reasons why some people are able to summon courage more easily than others.

“We’re cued by our environments and conditioning,” explains Brooke Deterline, CEO of Courageous Leadership, a research group that teaches ethical behavior to business leaders. “If we had a lot of role models early on who reacted with an open heart when stressed, then we’re lucky with our conditioning, not necessarily inherently better than someone who didn’t have those role models.”

Courage is something we can all learn, regardless of our conditioning. “Our brains are not our fault,” she says, “but they are our responsibility.”

Taking responsibility means being responsive to challenges, rather than reactive. “We often refer to courage as giving someone a piece of your mind,” says Deterline. “But courage is actually giving someone a piece of your heart. It’s staying open-hearted in conflict, and that is hard.”

Embracing Fear

Courage is defined not by lack of fear but by a willingness to experience it. Pema Chödrön, renowned Buddhist teacher and author of The Places That Scare You, points out that irritation, disapproval, indignation, inadequacy, guilt, and shame are all barriers we create to avoid feeling our fear of pain.

The courageous path, on the other hand, requires what she calls “tender-hearted bravery,” or a willingness to engage with that fear.

“The journey of knowing fear, moving closer to fear, is, in fact, the journey of courage,” she explains. “You actually can stay with [fear]; you actually can turn toward it; you actually can leap into it rather than having it set off this chain reaction.”

Recognizing when our hearts and minds begin to race is the first step toward interrupting this reaction, as expressed in this quote commonly attributed to Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”

Deterline’s workshops use Social Fitness Training, a cognitive-behavioral model that helps participants find that “space between stimulus and response” so they can reconnect with their values and act from their “ethical core.”

“With practice,” she says, “we can train our brains to override the natural fear response and act instead from our values.”

Whether we’re called upon to intercede in an act of harassment, voice our beliefs in a hostile environment, or resist unethical practices, these tips can help nurture deep moral courage.

Foster a Sense of Worthiness

Confidence and self-love facilitate courageous behavior. Yet, because of particular childhood experiences or cultural and social conditioning, many of us feel unworthy.

“[I used to] be so nice and so accommodating that no one would ever accuse me of anything bad,” says Chödrön. “It was a cover-up for that deep feeling that I wasn’t worthy.”

Many of us believe we’ll be fully deserving of love and belonging only when we meet certain external expectations — when we lose that 10 pounds or get that promotion. It’s an attitude that not only keeps us from living fully in the present moment, but it also undermines our ability to stand for our values. If we don’t believe our stance is worth fighting for, we won’t fight for it.

Yet each of us is born worthy; it’s not something we earn. “There are no prerequisites for worthiness,” says Brown.

When we understand our worth is innate, we extend that sense to others. We grasp that others matter, no more or less than we do.

So everyone benefits from developing a sense of self-worth — whether it’s by building confidence in a dance class or working with a therapist to uncover outdated beliefs.

Identify Your Patterns

Clammy hands, flushed face, pounding heart, tightness in the throat — the familiar signs of a stress reaction. These alarm bells signal that our bodies are preparing to confront a threat, whether that’s an argument with a spouse or a surprise encounter with a bear on a hiking trail. Learning to identify those sensations, as well as the habitual thought and behavior patterns that follow them (like freezing, fleeing, or lashing out), offers an opportunity to make a more clear-headed choice.

In Deterline’s workshops, participants create a personal “stress profile,” identifying and recording their automatic thoughts and behavioral patterns.

Through teamwork, “the stress-profile exercise creates a lot of empathy and compassion,” she says. “It helps people realize that everyone struggles with this same stuff.”

You can create your own stress profile simply by noticing how your body and mind respond to fear. Write it down, and carry the list with you so you can refer to it when you start to amp up; it may help give you the distance you need to diffuse a reaction.

Befriend Your Stress

A 2012 Harvard University study found that our view of stress can affect our physical and emotional health. Subjects who viewed stressful experiences in a positive light showed reduced artery constriction and returned more quickly to a calm baseline state.

This study illustrates how much perception matters, says psychologist Kelly McGonigal, PhD, author of The Upside of Stress. “What if you viewed [the physical signs of stress] as signs that your body was energized and was preparing you to meet this challenge?”

The ability to learn and grow from stress is built into the basic biology of the sympathetic nervous system, she explains. “For several hours after you have a strong stress response, the brain is rewiring itself to remember and learn from the experience. Stress leaves an imprint on your brain that prepares you to handle similar stress the next time you encounter it. Going through the experience gives your brain and body a stress vaccine.”

McGonigal’s research reminds us not to let a stress response keep us silent or still. These reactions may mean that your body registers the moment as important. What’s more, it will remember the experience so you’ll be able to handle it with less fear the next time around.

Own Your Power

It’s easier to act courageously when we believe our actions can make a difference. “We often think power is just political or military might,” says University of California, Berkeley, psychology professor Dacher Keltner, PhD, author of The Power Paradox. But social behavior is contagious, and this can make our individual actions surprisingly powerful.

“I have a lot of influence in my community as I move through the day, just through kind practices,” Keltner says. “Any act you engage in, no matter how disconnected from power you might feel, ripples out and influences others.”

Knowing that our behavior is contagious can empower us to interrupt escalating anger or aggression. “In the midst of an argument, if we give people a different option — say, ‘I’m sorry; you sound really afraid’ — it can dramatically change the response we get back,” says Deterline. “It takes courage to not mirror what you’re getting, but it can dramatically change the outcome.”

Likewise, awareness allows us to take advantage of our innate tendency to mirror each other. “If you’re aware of how people’s conformist tendencies operate, you can try to harness them for good,” notes Elizabeth Svoboda, author of What Makes a Hero? The Surprising Science of Selflessness.

In one famous experiment, researchers showed participants a picture of a line and asked them to choose which of three other lines equaled it in length. When other people around them chose the wrong answer, the subjects often agreed. Svoboda cites a variation on the experiment in which people were far less likely to follow the crowd’s lead when just one other person chose the correct line length.

“When you speak out about injustices happening in front of you, you can help tip the social balance toward truth,” she writes.

Find Allies

We’re not meant to change the world alone. Acting with others who share our values and beliefs is a time-tested tactic for bolstering our courage and amplifying the power of each member of the group.

“One person standing up is honorable, but not always effective,” says Deterline of her observations in the business world. “One ally is better, and two allies start to represent an organizational point of view, giving the individuals more leverage in changing group dynamics and systems.”

Practice and Prepare

Like pilots and doctors who train in simulated high-stress circumstances, we can prepare ourselves to respond skillfully under pressure.

Deterline recommends practicing courageous conversations or interactions, such as an unplanned altercation on the street, a scheduled meeting with a colleague, or a tough talk with a family member or friend.

“Speak in front of a mirror,” she says. “Watch yourself doing it. It can change your thinking, help you hone what you’re trying to say, or clarify who the appropriate person is to have that conversation with.”

Better yet, find a friend who can practice that challenging conversation with you (yet another benefit to having allies).

Self-defense workshops and mediation training sessions also provide ample opportunity to rehearse difficult encounters. Think of it as practicing your free throw on the basketball court or training for a long race. You’re teaching your body to know what to do — even when your mind goes blank.

Deterline also has her work-shop participants formulate a personal support statement they can recite when they feel their courage faltering. She asks them to think of a time when they were uncomfortable but spoke up anyway, and to identify what they said to themselves in that moment.

“For some, it’s ‘No matter what happens, I am my father’s daughter,’ or ‘I want to be an example for my kids,’” she says. “You can see people’s bodies change when they tap into their supportive statement. It grounds them in remembering that even in the face of unwanted consequences, it’s still worth it to them to act from their core values.”

Know Thyself

Kristen Renwick Monroe, PhD, a political science and philosophy professor at the University of California at Irvine, interviewed dozens of “little-known heroes” for her book The Heart of Altruism, including a Czech businessman who rescued more than 100 Jews in Nazi Germany and a woman who, armed only with her cane, saved a young girl who was being raped. She’s learned from her subjects that people do good in the world “not because there’s a payoff for it — a better spot in paradise, if you will,” she says. They do it because they’ve learned that standing up for others is deeply rewarding in the here and now. “You do it for yourself,” she says. “Nothing else matters in the end.”

Get the full story at https://experiencelife.com/article/cultivating-courage/

[24hoursoftrump-blog]

Day 20: ...and already POTUS tweets about family business.

Trump blasts retailer Nordstrom, raising new concern on business ties

Amid deep partisan rancor, Senate confirms Sessions for attorney general

Inform yourself

Voters’ perceptions of crime continue to conflict with reality

Mr. Chairman and Members of the Committee:

Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to express my strong opposition to the nomination of Jefferson Sessions for a federal district judgeship for the Southern District of Alabama. My longstanding commitment which I shared with my husband, Martin, to protect and enhance the rights of black Americans, rights which include equal access to the democratic process, compels me to testify today.

Civil rights leaders, including my husband and Albert Turner, have fought long and hard to achieve free and unfettered access to the ballot box. Mr. Sessions has used the awesome power of his office to chill the free exercise of the vote by black citizens in the district he now seeks to serve as a federal judge. This simply cannot be allowed to happen. Mr. Sessions' conduct as a US Attorney, from his politically-motivated voting fraud prosecutions to his indifference toward criminal violations of civil rights laws, indicated that he lacks the temperament, fairness and judgment to be a federal judge.

The Voting Rights Act was, and still is, vitally important to the future of democracy in the United States. I was privileged to join Martin and many others during the Selma to Montgomery march for voting rights in 1965. Martin was particularly impressed by the determination to get the franchise of blacks in Selma and neighboring Perry County. As he wrote, "Certainly no community in the history of the Negro struggle has responded with the enthusiasm of Selma and her neighboring town of Marion. Where Birmingham depended largely upon students and unemployed adults to participate in non-violent protest of the denial of the franchise, Selma has involved fully 10 per cent of the Negro population in active demonstrations, and at least half of the Negro population of Marion was arrested on one day." Martin was referring of course to a group that included the defendants recently prosecuted for assisting elderly and illiterate blacks to exercise that franchise. In fact, Martin anticipated from the depth of their commitment twenty years ago, that a united political organization would remain in Perry County long after the other marchers had left. This organization, the Perry County Civic League, started my Mr. Turner, Mr. Hogue, and others, as Martin predicted, continued "to direct the drive for votes and other rights." In the years since the Voting Rights Act was passed, black Americans in Marion, Selma and elsewhere have made important strides in their struggle to participate actively in the electoral process. The number of blacks registered to vote in key Southern states has doubled since 1965. This would not have been possible without the Voting Rights Act.

However, blacks still fall far short of having equal participation in the electoral process. Particularly in the South, efforts continue to be made to deny blacks access to the polls, even where blacks constitute the majority of the voters. It has been a long, up-hill struggle to keep alive the vital legislation that protects the most fundamental right to vote. A person who has exhibited so much hostility to the enforcement of those laws, and thus, to the exercise of those rights by black people should not be elevated to the federal bench.

The irony of Mr. Sessions' nomination is that, if confirmed, he will be given life tenure for doing with a federal prosecution what the local sheriffs accomplished twenty years ago with clubs and cattle prods. Twenty years ago, when we marched from Selma to Montgomery, the fear of voting was real, as the broken bones and bloody heads in Selma and Marion bore witness. As my husband wrote at the them, "it was not just a sick imagination that conjured up the vision of a public official, sworn to uphold the law, who forced an inhuman march upon hundreds of Negro children. Who ordered the Rev. James Bevel to be chained to his sickbed, who clubbed a Negro woman registrant, and who callously inflicted repeated brutalities and indignities upon nonviolent Negroes peacefully petitioning for their constitutional right to vote."

Free exercise of voting rights is so fundamental to American democracy that we cannot tolerate any form of infringement of those rights. Of all the groups who have been disenfranchised in our nation's history, none has struggled longer or suffered more in the attempt to win the vote than black citizens. No group has had access to the ballot box denied so persistently and intently. Over the past century, a broad array of schemes have been used in attempts to bloc the black vote. The range of techniques developed with the purpose of repressing black voting rights run the gamut from the straightforward application of brutality against black citizens who tried to vote, to such legalized frauds as grandfather clause exclusions and rigged literacy tests.

The actions taken by Mr. Sessions in regard to the 1984 voting fraud prosecutions represent just one more technique used to intimidate black voters and thus deny them this most precious franchise. The investigations into the absentee voting process were conducted only in the black belt counties where blacks had finally achieved political power in local government. Whites had been using the absentee process to their advantage for years, without incident. Then, when blacks, realizing its strength, began to use it with success, criminal investigations were begun.

In these investigations, Mr. Sessions, a US Attorney, exhibited an eagerness to bring to trial and convict three leaders of the Perry County Civic League including Albert Turner, despite evidence clearly demonstrating their innocence of any wrongdoing. Furthermore, in initiating the case, Mr. Sessions ignored allegations of similar behavior by whites, choosing instead to chill the exercise of the franchise by blacks in his misguided investigation. In fact, Mr. Sessions sought to punish older black civil rights activists, advisers and colleagues of my husband, who had been key figures in the civil rights movement in the 1960's. These were persons who, realizing the potential of the absentee vote among blacks, had learned to use the process within the bounds of legality and had taught others to do the same. The only sin they committed was being too successful in gaining votes.

The scope and character of the investigations conducted by Mr. Sessions also warrant grave concern. Witnesses were selectively chosen in accordance with the favorability of their testimony to the government's case. Also, the prosecution illegally withheld from the defense critical statements made by witnesses. Witnesses who did testify were pressured and intimidated into submitting the "correct" testimony. Many elderly blacks were visited multiple times by the FBI who then hauled them over 180 miles by bus to a grand jury in Mobile when they could more easily have testified at a grand jury just twenty miles away in Selma. These voters, and others, have announced they are now never going to vote again.

I urge you to consider carefully Mr. Sessions' conduct in these matters. Such a review, I believe, raises serious questions about his commitment to the protection of the voting rights of all American citizens and consequently his fair and unbiased judgment regarding this fundamental right. When the circumstances and facts surrounding the indictments of Al Turner, his wife, Evelyn, and Spencer Hogue are analyzed, it becomes clear that the motivation was political, and the result frightening -- the wide-scale chill of the exercise of the ballot for blacks, who suffered so much to receive that right in the first place. Therefore, it is my strongly-held view that the appointment of Jefferson Sessions to the federal bench would irreparably damage the work of my husband, Al Turner and countless others who risked their lives and freedom over the past twenty years to ensure equal participation in our democratic system.

The exercise of the franchise is an essential means by which our citizens ensure that those who are governing will be responsible. My husband called it the number one civil right. The denial of access to the ballot box ultimately results in the denial of other fundamental rights. For, it is only when the poor and disadvantaged are empowered that they are able to participate actively in the solutions to their own problems.

We still have a long way to go before we can say that minorities no longer need be concerned about discrimination at the polls. Blacks, Hispanics, Native Americans and Asian Americans are grossly underrepresented at every level of government in America. If we are going to make our timeless dream of justice through democracy a reality, we must take every step possible to ensure that the spirit and intent of the Voting Rights Act of 1965 and the 15th Amendment to the Constitution is honored. The federal courts hold a unique position in our constitutional system, ensuring that minorities and other citizens without political power have a forum in which to vindicate their rights. Because of this unique role, it is essential that the people selected to be federal judges respect the basic tenets of our legal system: respect for individual rights and a commitment to equal justice for all.

The integrity of the courts, and thus, the rights they protect, can only be maintained if citizens feel confident that those selected as federal judges will be able to judge with fairness others holding differing views.

I do not believe Jefferson Sessions possesses the requisite judgment, competence and sensitivity to the rights guaranteed by the federal civil rights laws to qualify for appointment to the federal district court. Based on his record, I believe his confirmation would have a devastating effect not only on the judicial system in Alabama, but also on the progress we have made everywhere toward fulfilling my husband's dream that he envisioned over twenty years ago. I therefore urge the Senate Judiciary Committee to deny his confirmation. I thank you for allowing me to share my views.

-Coretta Scott King

Make me feel better.