#the fact that I analyzed things this much isn’t saying great things

[amongaesthetics]

I’ve found a super secret way to deal with RSD.

I used to feel like I was being annoying and that people only felt obligated to hang out with me, like they didn’t actually want to be friends with me. But, with “Screw It (RSD Version)” I just… text how often I want to, even just to say hi. With “Screw It” I realized there’s… not really a reason to consistently be texting or inviting someone you don’t like to hang out.

Even if it just sounds like they’re being polite in inviting you (“oh we’re going to the mall. You can come, if you want”) it isn’t necessarily saying they don’t really want you there. It’s actually a pretty basic “getting to know a friend group” activity? Like, if that’s the only way you’re invited to things, you don’t see them doing the same to others, and nobody’s talking to you outside of it, then maybe you’d be right. If you ask a favor or a slight delay in leave time and they refuse for obviously stupid reasons compared to you being able to go with them, then yeah, maybe think about it.

But people will stop courtesy inviting you if they know you’ll say yes AND they really don’t want you. So say “Screw It”, and go to figure out the vibes of the person/group you’re hanging with.

[hereforthehitsbaby]

Beca beca please please I’m begging you write smt w cooper x shy!plus size reader. Please please please😭😭😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

In The Now | Cooper Adams/Abbott x Plus Size F!Reader

Gif credit to @d-vient

Synopsis: Nightly walks by the fire station is a ritual, a way to clear your mind from the bullshit in your life. The firefighters do so much for your community, why not give them a little appreciation back? Though, only one remains, and he happens to be your favorite.

Warnings: Porn with Plot, Smut, Soft!Cooper, Shy!Reader, Mentions of weight (soft belly/tummy, grabbable thighs, soft flesh, ect.), Public Sex???, Oral F!Receiving, Floor Sex, Cooper Talks You Through It (Shh its canon,)

Word Count: 6.2k

Rating: M

Author’s Note: I hope I did your request justice.

Tagging: @rubyfruitjungle @cherryinterlude @lilly3434 @amethystblackkchaos @rosaleelovesdilfs @babygorewhore @dirtylittlefairytales @redpillbluepill @strangererotica

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Introvert; a typically reserved or quiet person who tends to be introspective and enjoys spending time alone. Shy; being reserved or having or showing nervousness or timidity in the company of other people. What do both have in common? You. Being shy and introverted is not a bad thing, no, in fact it is a great thing. It protects you from the horrors of the world, keeps you in line with other things in life so – you can get the full experience without the bullshit that comes with it. It is a better way to go through each day; You’re not naïve but careful. You don’t leave traces where you have been, but you garner experiences. You don’t remember conversations but, you remember names and faces. It is better that way; it is easier to be in the background of everyone else’s journey than to be at the forefront. Not being seen is good, it’s safe. You know where you are and cannot be touched. It’s better than whatever is going on locally.

Sure, Philadelphia isn’t the prime location for a job change but – it was better than one season states. At least in Philly you got to see the leaves change, sun to rain to snow, every element was prevalent each day. It was a step up from what you were used to, nothing could follow you here. Your past, your regrets – they stayed away, like they deserved to. You deserved and needed a fresh start – this was the best way to do it, this ensured that you could be seen with fresh eyes, over critical ones. You didn’t want to be in the spotlight, or in places where it wasn’t important. You wanted a name for yourself, but one that didn’t bring attention. Wallflower, that was what you wanted. Standing, listening, analyzing; You take inventory of a room and guess the life pattern for everyone, then be on your merry way. Quiet, demure, mindful.

Moving here was a dream come true – a great work opportunity that you couldn’t pass on. You would’ve been a fool to do so. Plus, a way to escape the realism of your hometown? Call it a win-win situation. It was what every reclusive person wanted; Fully remote, put up in a swanky condo across from the fire department – so you know you’d never lose power in snowstorms. It was good; Safe. It meant you were out of the public sights of the world, you could in passing say hi and move on – never commit to the names. They never mattered anyways. It was a great experience, a great road trip drive, and better yet – a dream come true to explore.

Ladder 49 in Philly is an exuberant bunch – always laughing and welcoming the neighbors in. Every Spring day they are drawing hopscotch with the kids. Every Summer they are playing basketball. Every Autumn they are carving pumpkins and delivering turkeys. Every Winter they are holding toy drives and shoveling people out. When they say they are community driven – they are not kidding. Years upon years of photos always sit in the forefront of the station, showing new and oldcomers alike how much they love giving back, how devoted they are to the community. It was the luck of the draw for you to be across from it, it was a match made in heaven. The first day you moved in was just a show of their kindness, their dedication. Especially when the fire chief came strolling over with a simple sentence: “Let me take those for you.” He didn’t even stutter or miss a step as he took the box out of your arms, and carried it inside. A leader of example, considering his men were quick to grab the rest. That was your first interaction with Cooper Adams, and sure as hell hoped it wasn’t going to be the last.

With the Summer cresting into Fall in Philly, shorts weather now became jeans and a sweatshirt weather. It felt better, not having to deal with chafing thighs and the constant sticky skin. The humidity was brutal this time of the year, but as it dried against you skin it felt nice. The second you could feel it on your back, your stomach, and your sides? It was AC for you. But with the Fall rolling through it just made things better. The air was crisper, the mood was starting to get that spooky feel – with Halloween on the way in. It was everything you wanted, everything you asked for. Everything that made the world feel alright again.

Your favorite things to do during this time were take late night strolls through the town, getting use to the city and seeing how places were starting to decorate. Headlamps lined the streets in Victorian era black steel, the orange glow of the lightbulbs inside caused a cozy feeling to overtake your body. It brought you solace and comfort, knowing everything would be orange and red soon – and the rain would move in sweetly. Pulling your coat tighter around your body, you wrapped your arms over your chest – enjoying the plush feel. Your boots scuffed at the newly paved sidewalk, bringing music to your ears. Laughter could be heard from around the corner, the park playground – as the smell of marijuana hung sweetly in the air. Inhaling the scent deeply, you let your eyes fall shut at the notion – swaying on your own two feet. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re already ready for Winter!” A cheery voice chimed from beside you, causing your eyes to slowly drift open. Turning your head to your right, you saw him sitting against the firehouse wall, spraying down his helmet with cleaner as he smiled at you. Him, the one you have been pining over for months since you arrived in Philly – the one to always strike up a conversation with you. Cooper Adams, fire chief, and resident DILF.

Ever since that first day of taking your boxes in, he never passes on the opportunity to strike up a conversation with you. It was sweet, it was also the highlight of your days. His long chestnut locks always falling into his face, sweeping them away with both hands – the way his ember eyes glittered against any type of lighting sent shivers down your spine. You grew to admire the golden flecks his irises always loved to send out, sparkling like Tiger’s Eye against the sun. He was beauty and grace wrapped into one, the All-American man. Everything you could see yourself wanting, Cooper was. To you it felt silly to have such a high-school crush on a man, clearly in his forties but, the body wants what it wants. The little lines around his eyes when he laughed made your heart grow softer, the way he always admired what you were wearing made your head fill with smoke. He is ethereal, and you never seized the opportunity to embrace that light he shone so brightly.

“Sshh! Don’t say that too loud or else we will get an early one,” you joked, feeling your heart race as your feet started to walk towards the firehouse entrance, leaning against the brick wall beside Cooper. Staring up at you, Cooper laughed so dreamily – music to your ears. He shook with his laughter, which you admired a lot. It wasn’t just a thoughtful reaction but, a mindless one. Everything was always so comical to Cooper, your talk backs and dad jokes. He admired them, and you loved the full body chuckle. Shaking his head, he slowly started to calm his laughter down as he leaned back into the steel chair, sighing out as he grabbed a rag from his side. Propping his helmet on his lap, Cooper started to wipe down the visor of soot from their last call uptown this morning, a two-alarm fire that thankfully no one was home for. Your eyes lost focus on Cooper’s face as he gripped his helmet hard – wiping in circular motions. His blue fire department shirt was rolled around the sleeves, highlighting the beautiful bulging of his biceps. It was soft yet hard; Easily bitable. You felt your mouth water at the thought, smirking inwardly at the idea of doing so.

“You’re fun, you know that?” Internally you cocked your eyebrow, not believing that in the slightest. Sure, you could have fun but, to the outside world? No way. That wasn’t reality. You were a wallflower, shy and quiet versus talkative and extroverted. No, this was only for Cooper – a side of yourself you never would’ve thought would come out as much as it did. Feeling your cheek heat from the compliment, you shied away in yourself for a moment, locking your eyes onto the ground by Cooper booted feet, loving to see the scuffs against the leather – proving how hard he was at work. In fact, you were so into the fantasy of him calling you fun and thinking about his boots, that you wondered what the leather would feel like rubbing against your cu-

“Ah, shit!” Cooper yelled out as he jumped out of his seat, causing you to jump back into reality. Stumbling backwards a bit from the scare, Cooper leaned forth to grab your arm – stopping you from falling. You didn’t quite understand what was happening at first when he grabbed you, but as your body evened out to the stumble, you noticed that the dark blue of Cooper’s shirt was now navy, soaked in liquid – the cleaner he was using. The pungent smell permeated your nostrils, making them flare slightly. Cooper ground his booted feet against the concrete floor, watching you intently as you caught your breath. But you could never bring your eyes to Cooper’s face, no, instead your eyes were fixated on Cooper’s chest. His sopping shirt clinging so well to his form. He was hard in some places, but soft in all the good spots. The soft pudge of his belly to the hardened contours of his sides made your mind go wild. That flush crept down your neck to your chest – suddenly causing your coat to feel too tight around you; Too warm. His nipples pebbled beneath the wetness as a cool breeze rolled through, causing him to shudder.

“Sorry about that, I hope I didn’t splash you,” Cooper spoke with remorse, grimacing at the idea of getting this stuff on you. Shaking your head as you cleared your throat – you closed your eyes momentarily. “Uhm, no…not that I could tell. I was too busy uh,” you began as you chuckled, waving your arms dramatically to signalize your almost fall. Cracking one eye open, you caught Cooper looking at you with a longing look – his head tilted to the side as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. The admiration in his eye lit you on fire, from the inside out. Those beautiful autumn night irises trailed up and down your body, focusing on your baren legs, then trailing up the expanse of your torso – flashing his teeth slightly with his lip bite. You could feel your fingers starting to shake at your side, the electricity between the two of you immaculate – ready to burst at the seams.

As Cooper’s eyes slid over your face, he came to the realization that you saw him check you out, causing his eyes to go wide for a moment before relaxing. A flush of pink tinged his cheeks cutely, causing that little color to make his eyes pop more. Letting go of his lip, he trailed his tongue over the puckered surface. He was holding something back; An internal fight with himself. God, you wanted him to just say it – to put an end to the pining. The tension, the quietness, it was too much. “I was planning on it being you that got me out of my shirt, not the cleaning products.” Cooper was nonchalant with how he spoke out, leaning against the lockers to the left of the firetruck. He used the tip of his elbow to click the garage switch – those giant doors starting to close now, putting the city away for the night so it was only you two. You were happy he did that, considering how loud the garage doors were going down, it masked the small moan you let out at his words.

You were in shock to say the least, not expecting sweet, delicate Cooper to say such a thing. I mean it was obvious you both have been playing the will they, won’t they card for months but – you thought it may have just been all in your head. “Excuse me?” You said quietly, keeping your eyes fixated on the concrete floor. You wouldn’t be able to control yourself if you looked up – your shy demeanor would fall since it was now just the two of you. There was a deeper side of yourself that was questioning all of this – if it was real, if it was in your head. It’s a fantasy to you, Cooper interested in you – a recently divorced man, bringing him back to his glory days. It wasn’t self-doubt or insecurity stopping you; You know you are beautiful, sexy, and hot – but you were afraid this was all a dream. A dream brought on by a fever or a daydream while you’re at work. But as you peered back up to meet Cooper’s attentive gaze, you knew this was real. “Honey, I wasn’t born yesterday.”

Cooper spoke so plainly, like nothing else in the world mattered within that moment. Only you did, only this moment did. “I could see it, still see it actually.” He used the rag in his hand to motion to your face in a circle, licking around the inside of his lip as he tried to find the next words. Slowly the gap between the two of you started to close, the air growing thicker and thicker as his body took up the empty space. The gentle pace at which he was going spoke measures, it was delicious – he was inevitable. “Your eyes speak the words you mouth will not.” Cooper brought his clean hand up to caress your cheek, rubbing his thumb over your soft skin. You couldn’t help but to lean in, letting the warmth of his palm envelop you. “That’s…very waxing poet of you.” Your words came out like it was never a question at all or have any hesitancy behind your words. They were true, cute, and most of all – funny.

The genuine belly laugh you got from Cooper caught you off guard - getting you off into a giggle fit. Hearing him let his true self out within that laugh made everything feel okay – the heavy sexual tension was blooming with free-spirited energy and such wholesome qualities; It made you feel so good. Bowing to you, he blew you air kisses as he slicked his hair back, nudging you with his shoulder. “Thank you,” he chortled, running a hand over his five o’clock shadow. The facial hair looked so good on him; Small specks of grey littered the edges, whilst his temple held all the rest. Grey looked so good on him; the color made him youthful in a way. “You know, I did major in poetry at school.” That was a shock to you; You never saw Cooper as the writer type but – more of an engineering background. The new tidbit of information made you question everything.

“Did you now?” You asked politely, crossing your arms over your chest. Biting his lip in your direction, Cooper leaned his arm directly above your head, looking down at you. Your eyes trailed up the inseam of his arm, seeing the light-colored veins under his skin, mixed with the intoxicating smell of his cologne. Your knees trembled the slightest bit as he stood over you, examining your face with precision. His gaze was intense, shifting from hazel to black almost immediately – his pupils taking up all the color. As he went to nod his head, he changed at the last second to a shake. “No, I went to a trade school but hey – I still dabble in a bit of Shakespeare.” He shrugged, doing the shrug smile with it. Rolling your eyes, you set your vision to the calendar hanging up on the other side of the fire station, trying to calm your heart rate from the proximity of Cooper.

He could tell your heart was racing, that your spine was growing tingling with emotion. To help quell the racing you were feeling, Cooper brought his hand back to your face, caressing your cheek as his lips were only a few inches from yours. “No, but seriously, though. I see the way you look at me.” He was so matter of fact with it, he wasn’t skating around anything anymore. He knew that he needed to speak the truth, to get across to you, because this would be the only chance he had while the guys were all playing pool downtown. “I don’t mean to be forward but, it feels good.” You made Cooper feel good, a feeling everyone deserves to have. You felt the pinprick of tears in the corner of your eyes as you smiled up at him, nudging your chin out for him to touch your lips. Cooper stayed where he was, not moving an inch, causing you to grow wanton. “Feeling wanted again.”

Deep seeded emotion found its way into his eyes, the glimmer of light reflecting off showcased the unshed tears he was holding back. With the way his Adam’s apple bobbed, you knew he was close to crying. But Cooper was not going to show that – no, instead he hissed as he pulled back, clearing his throat. A whimper slipped through his parted lips, which in turn caused you to clench your bare thighs together, swallowing down hard at the sound. You tried to be inconspicuous, so Cooper didn’t see; You were thankful his eyes were turned down. “Okay, yeah this is starting to burn,” he snickered out, grabbing at the end of his t-shirt with expert precision. Cooper whipped his shirt off quickly, small bits of chemical hitting the floor as it was removed. Your eyes went wide at the sight in front of you – showing off all the hard and soft parts of Cooper’s torso you saw earlier. This time his skin was pinkened by the exposure to the cleaner, but it didn’t take away from him at all. The happy trail leading right to his belt buckle; His chest hair spread across him in the sexiest way.

Cooper grabbed a clean rag from his locker and doused it with a water bottle, groaning as the burning got more intense. The way the liquid was about to glide over his abs, made your eyes vibrate. You felt your demeanor slipping at an alarming rate, knowing you were about to cross a line you wouldn’t come back from. “Do you want me to hose you down?” Your joke was a tight delivery, considering you couldn’t stop watching Cooper run the wet towel down his stomach, soaking up any bits of the chemicals. You felt your eyes waver heavily as your arousal grew, which caused you to stare at Cooper. His own eyes were obsidian, black around all edges – a man pained with arousal. Smirking in such a sinister way, he nodded at you – flicking the wet cloth in your direction. “Depends, you going to show me what you have hiding under that coat?”

That was it for you – you knew you were never coming back. Cooper Adams metaphorically saw what you had underneath, that lacy red number you bought a while ago. You had nowhere to wear it, and no one to wear it for. But you didn’t care – it made you feel sexy, enticing, plus it was a little incentive for Cooper in hindsight. His red iPhone gave away his favorite color, and tonight he happened to be all alone. It wasn’t planned in the slightest but, you were hoping. When you saw Cooper sitting alone tonight, you hoped no one else was there. After an hour and no one, you knew it was your time to make the call. Twisting side to side in your spot, you moved forward into Cooper’s space, giving your best innocent eyes you could muster as Cooper placed his hand on your hip, smoothing the other down your arm. “You’re not as sneaky as you might think, love.” The whispered tone in which he spoke to you made your body shudder under his touch; His lips pressed sweetly to the shell of your ear, letting his plush skin rest easily against you. He could feel the tremor in your body as his lips laid a peaceful kiss to your ear, moaning slightly into you. “I wasn’t-“ you managed to start but, alas gave up halfway through.

“Oh you were, don’t be shy, darling.” His tone shifted from calm to desperate very quick – a little tease at the end to sweeten the deal. The hand that rested against your hip scooted around to your lower back, running a finger up and down your spine. The other hand resting against your arm snaked to the back of your neck, rubbing at the nape. Quickly you were pulled flush against Cooper, feeling his bulging jeans press firmly against your stomach, causing your breath to waver. His lips only inches from yours; If you tilted your head up, you would be able to just feel him and every dream he could give you. “You were hoping that tonight, of all nights, would be the time you finally got a taste of me.” He read you like a book, because this is exactly what it was. What it all looked like, it was exactly what you needed.

Cooper let both of his hands trail over your clothed body, bringing them around to your front. Each finger admired the curves on you, the soft and supple skin hiding beneath. All he could think about doing was sinking his teeth in and leaving his mark on you. The beige trench coat you wore was adorned in front by the belt – to which you had tied into a bow. Thick, calloused fingers made their way to the simple knot, gently tugging on the longer end, teasing you. Cooper’s eyes remained on your front; mouth ajar whilst the soft fabric started to sway with the tension. You had half a mind to pull yourself back, forcing him to undo it quicker but – where was the fun in that? Cooper wouldn’t have it either, no, he would make your life a living hell if you did that. This was all about the chase, never the end – but you knew it was going to be worth it.

As you were about to speak, the last of the knot fell out in front of you, leaving just the first loop around. Cooper’s agile fingers worked diligently to undo it, letting the belt fall to your side, brushing past your exposed thighs. Taking in the sight of you fully clothed, Cooper took a deep breath as he let his left-hand swing back your coat, now being able to see the glory underneath. The teddy lingerie you were wearing didn’t leave much to the imagination, in fact it gave Cooper the eyeful he had been dying for since day one. You caught his eye, being so adorable and shy, he knew he had to have you. Letting out a low wolf whistle, he took in the gorgeous sight in front of him. Breasts were uncovered due to the structure of the lingerie but held up just nicely due to the underwiring. A keyhole slit sat against the front of your stomach, highlighting its softened nature. Cooper though was drawn to the open slit between your legs where it would be covered, growing harder by the second knowing your cunt has been free this whole night.

“Well, you’d be right,” Cooper stated huskily, rubbing his thumb against the side of your breast. You gasped at the soft touch, shivering under his finger as the cold air of the firehouse nipped at your exposed skin. Everything in you broke, that small thin thread that had been holding you together – completely unraveled. Cooper didn’t waste another second as he leaned forth to capture your neck between his lips, greedily biting at your supple flesh. The moan that ripped from your throat caused Cooper to grow feral; Your back pushed against the lockers next to the firetruck, the cold in perfect contrast with your heated skin. Your hands tangled in Cooper’s soft hair, tugging at the root for him to move his lips upward. You could feel the heat of his bites against your neck, knowing you’d be wearing his mark for days.

Once your lips finally hit Cooper’s, everything you had been holding back on came to fruition. It was unlike anything you had experienced within a kiss. It wasn’t all lips, teeth, and spit like you were used to, it was primal yet possessive. It reminded of the first rainfall of Summer; The air slightly too thick as it crests, skies turning grey at the drop of a hat. But through all that muck and heat you feel it – the cold, crisp drops of rain against your bated skin, absorbing into you – becoming one. The smell around you amplifying the sensation; Goosebumps rising against your flesh as you cool from the inside out. Safe, you’re safe. You’re okay. You’re at peace. It wasn’t like a traditional kiss, it felt more. Cooper must’ve felt it too because his hands pushed you further against his lips, caressing your neck as the fingers of his left hand squeezed your breast lovingly.

He was a man on a mission, a man intoxicated by your touch, how you felt, and everything that encompassed you. He wanted to get drunk off you, and swim in that loving pool of your soul, and never surface again. For the last few months, he felt so unloved, unwanted, embarrassed because of how Rachel treated him. It made him feel insecure, like he wasn’t worthy of that kind of love. But that flew right out the window the second he got you in his hands, knowing that you weren’t going to leave – that you were going to be forever to him. It made you feel lightheaded the amount of passion Cooper was exuding towards you – like you were his lifeline in this cruel world. You brought your leg up around Cooper’s hip to get him further, wanting to feel the full, covered length of him Not wanting to tease you any longer, Cooper grabbed at your baren thigh and hiked it up higher, making sure to spread your pussy enough to feel the cold breeze.

“But I need to taste you first.” He finally spoke again, making you forget his earlier sentence. The thought of Cooper’s mouth on your cunt was enough to make you cry – you needed it bad; you needed him biblically. Nodding against his lips at his words, you placed one of your hands on his shoulder, wrapping your arm around him. Cooper grabbed at the plushness of your thigh, placing it gently onto the bench to your side as he maintained eye contact. Not once in his slow descent down did he ever look away – always keeping his eyes on you, watching how you shivered with delight. His thick fingers ran down your skin like he was starving – hungry for you and only you, bringing a part of his life back he thought was long gone.

As Cooper came face to face with your wet cunt, the reservations he had about going too fast slipped away – he was like a man starved, your folds were the only thing he needed to survive. Cooper’s mouth was only mere inches away from your cunt, his hot breath fanning over your soaked lips. Wasting not a single moment more, Cooper dove into your sweet cunt like a man starved, hungrily lapping at your puffy folds. You screamed out in pure bliss at the feeling, his tongue working your clit in harsh circles, using his two longest fingers to circle your entrance, never did he attempt to push them inside of you. It was only a mere distraction for the fact that he was sucking your clit as if it was a hard candy.

The harsh clash of his lips and the slight grazing of his teeth sent you into an overdrive. So many feelings were flooding through your body, as if ice water had been tossed all over you. It was a pure feeling nonetheless, something so brilliant and rough - you didn't want to give it up. You brought your hands up to rake through Cooper’s locks, yanking harshly at the root as your nails dug into his scalp. The growl he let out into your cunt was feral, yet animalistic. In this moment you both were not humans, but two animals in the jungle, fucking like the world was going to end. “God, you taste so fucking good.”

There was nothing soft or human-like about this, it was pure primal. Cooper’s tongue lapped and flicked over your clit like water, his eyes watching yours as your face turned up in pleasure, wails of pure bliss exiting your mouth. Cooper took you by surprise when he shoved three of his long, thick digits into the cavern of your wet cunt - plowing them in and out of you with wreck less abandon. You were not moaning anymore, you were fully screaming in ecstasy over the brutal fucking you were getting. “I’m here baby, no need for tears,” Tears fell down from your eyes with ease pass of his fingers over that spongy spot - spurring your orgasm on like it was nothing. “You’re safe. Fuck, you’re so beautiful. Come on princess, you can give it to me.”

It's then that your body jolted off of the lockers with a wail of pleasure, neck tightening as you tried too hard to remain in control. “That’s my good fucking girl, you’re squeezing the shit out of me.” Cooper’s brutal pace of his fingers and tongue did not let up, not until you were screaming the safe word. Just then he got a great idea; His fingers kept moving at a rapid speed but his mouth was replaced with his other hand - using them entire pad of his palm to rub your clit quicker. He had a better use for his mouth, placing it on the apex of your thigh, and clamping his teeth harshly around the skin. Not hard enough to break it but, enough to make a welt and bruise form. It was sexy, you've never seen a man like this. “You make me insane, you know that? I am fucking mad for you.” Cooper’s grunts - the sensation of pain mixed with pleasure as your orgasm never faded, instead only growing stronger. The flex of your lower belly came in tune with the vice-like grip of your cunt, your hands twisted smacked hard against the lockers behind you, eyes rolling into the back of your head. It was then, the floodgates broke.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop!” You screamed out, a new sensation to your orgasm came forth, sending you into a spiral of the unknown. It felt like a bubble burst deep within you, enough to make you scream. "That’s it babydoll, just let go." Cooper huskily let out, letting his hands work in tandem with each other. The rapid movements on your clit and g-spot made you sob into the open air, your orgasm causing your entire body to be jelly-like. “That’s a good girl, you’re so perfect. You’re everything to me.” Your brain was nonexistent, all you could hear was the sloppy wet sound of your cunt being wrung out, and Cooper’s primal growls. Looking down at Cooper, you watched as the thickness of his fingers disappearing inside of your cunt, your orgasm soaking not just his hands, but his chest and stomach - eyes black as the sky above. There were so many things you wanted to say, but could not get them out - you were too far gone to speak. Cooper saw that you were twitching aimlessly, and took it as a sign to spot. Abruptly pulling his hands from your core, Cooper shoved his fingers into his mouth, sloppily sucking them clean as you watched with fervor.

You were a mess, one you knew you weren’t going to be coming back from anytime soon. It was too much – everything that you had been wanting played out, and yet still so much more needed to be said. “Coop! Why are you still here, my dude!” The young voice brought you out of your high, causing your eyes to focus back in on Cooper’s face – the front of his chest soaked with your essence. The gentle laugh emanating from the back of the firehouse made you shy away, feeling you turn in on yourself. Cooper didn’t get what was happening at first, not until the heavy bootsteps started to come towards you, making him scramble up on cracking knees. “Shit!” He let out in a whisper, the silent scream obvious as he wasted no time to grab your jacket – holding it closed on you as the footsteps haltered. “Oh hey ma-“ The young firefighter started, looking up from his phone at the same time. What he was met with, was the image of Cooper’s front pressed against you, your face heating with arousal and nerves as you buried it into Cooper’s neck, smelling a hard days work on his skin. Cooper flashed his coworker a taut smile, waving with his freehand, hoping he wouldn’t say anything. “Oh my god did you get laid?!” He yelled out, smacking the back of his phone against his hand as you erupted into a fit of laughter. You shook in Cooper’s arms as he laughed out loud as well, realizing there was no point of hiding it now. Looking up at Cooper, you watched as he slowly nodded towards his coworker, a few unruly strands of hair falling into his face.

Without missing a beat, the firefighter came over and smacked Cooper on his bare shoulders, going to his locker directly next to you and grabbing out his backpack. “Cooper, you’re my fucking hero dude!” He yelled as he ran out through the side entrance, waving off his fire chief, leaving you both alone again. The giggle fit going through the both of you made for a fun way to decompress after having the best orgasm of your life. No man had ever made you cum so hard – so precisely as well. It was like Cooper took you apart, and rebuilt you over and over; Each wave being harder than the last. Cooper took a deep breath in as he pressed his heated forehead to yours, the flush on his cheeks working its way back. “Let’s finish this at my house. Riley and Logan are staying with their mom this weekend.” You weren’t going to pass on this opportunity – especially now that you learned the names of his kids. It was a weird feeling, for both of you. Cooper never disclosed information about his kids to anyone – only those who he deemed important. He knew you were, and were going to be in his life for a while. He could already tell by the way you carried yourself  - they were going to love you as much as he could.

Nodding your head against Cooper, you pecked him gently on the lips – lingering for a moment and just focusing on the feeling. “I’m down, let me pack a bag.” The snicker Cooper omitted at your sentence made you perk up, cocking an eyebrow in his direction. Running his warm fingers over your cheeks, he grasped your chin firmly, yet soft – peering down into your eyes. “Oh sweetheart, that’s cute,” he began, biting at his bottom lip. The swirls of colors in your eyes caused his to ignite, flecks of reds and golds flitting around in his irises. His lips grazed your lips as he smirked, licking at you while he continued. “You’re not going to need anything when I am done with you.” Cooper whispered sensually, causing your cunt to pulsate. A weekend without clothes, Cooper between your thighs – was the best way to ring in the fall.

[generalsdiary]

Ratio and Aventurine are Sherlock and Watson coded but not in the way you think. Where one might assume Ratio would be Sherlock because of his intellect and analytic approach to life and the comments he makes, allow me to switch the perspective. Aventurine is an addict. To what? To feeling like shit and endorsing it, to having low self-esteem, to rejecting everyone in a way so no one gets too close and realizes how vulnerable he is, how much he yearns for love. He hid it away so well that he himself isn’t aware anymore of how much he wants it. to be loved, appreciated, and seen as more than just his luck- much like Ratio wants to be seen for more than just his achievements (poor man ain’t aware of how much he wants it either). Aventurine plays this perfect little role of a charismatic, lucky, fun-to-be-around persona. And that’s all it is, a play, a stage act.

let us switch gears back to Sherlock and John. Sherlock is also an addict, depending on at which point in the timeline, it is nicotine, drugs, crime cases, and similar. Here is where the point lies. Who is the one that pulls Sherlock out of that shit, out of the drug den, to hide his cigarettes away? John. We think Sherlock functions fine… before John, sure. After John, after Mary dies; oh no, Sherlock is not well without him. He can barely function, (yes, Mary’s death comes also in account here, but I won’t get sidetracked), living in a mess, doing drugs again, smoking, treating himself like shit and like he is worthless. So, who reminds Sherlock of his worth, of his genius, of the fact that he is human and not just a performance act that he puts on of deducting others? John. Both Sherlock and Aventurine throw these spectacles, these performances, these acts of a grand image, they play it and they dance to the song that others sing, moving to the melody that strangers decide; playing into whatever image that is painted of them no matter how untrue it is, ex. Aventurine will play a gambling alcoholic as much as you wish although he is more than that, and Sherlock will play the killer, the crazy ‘psychopath’ that kidnapped those kids and poisoned them, and he is also more than that. The difference is that Sherlock performs his knowledge and analytic skills, unlike Aventurine who keeps those cards close to his chest- that is how he survives, that is how he survived, his instinct, his trauma making him aware of a lot of things in his surroundings and aware of everyone else; carefully analyzing everyone to ensure his safety. Aventurine is better with his tongue, knowing what to say and when to say it, with much better people skills- that is what got him this far after all; so, he performs with flashy promises, with fun games- gambling with his own life because what is it worth to him anyway anymore? it circles back to his ‘the only survivor trauma’. Sherlock was ready to gamble his own life (S1E1) and who stopped him? John. Well, more like who saved him. The drug addiction that Sherlock has is a bit downplayed and it always ends fast within the episodes, but in its own way, it is also his gamble, him not valuing his life as much as he should.

yes, in a way Ratio and Aventurine can both be Sherlock. But it is not about Sherlock, as much as it is about Watson. And exactly what Watson brings to the table, to their relationship. In the case of Johnlock, Ratio is very much Watson. The one to tell Aventurine his life matters, the one to go along with his plan of deceiving Sunday- because Aventurine had this great plan, a huge gamble. sound familiar? The usual thing about Sherlock with big plans, ex. exposing Mary after getting shot, going to Magnussen’s to sell Mycroft’s PC. And who follows along even when they don’t agree? John.

to take into account Johnlock in the later episodes/at least the second season, when they are closer- we are brought up to speed on where Aventio are. it is a well known fact that Aventio knew each other before the first scene in the hotel of them interacting. So, they have a history, and their period of getting familiar is over. They know each other. we only see John openly criticizing Sherlock later in the series, be it insulting him or calling him out on his bullshit. The same thing happens with Aventio, where Ratio is the one to openly state his thoughts and criticize. While yes, one may argue that that is in Ratio’s character to behave as such, if we recall the scene between Ratio and the MC, he doesn’t behave that way if unprovoked. And Aventurine wasn’t provoking him, hence the conclusion. As much as Ratio seems like the black sheep here, the odd one out (which he is don’t get me wrong), in this perspective it is Aventurine who is that. and yes, Ratio walks on eggshells around him, apologizing for his harsh words. these two aren’t the perfect puzzle pieces for Johnlock, they do differ in the way they walk in public and who leads the way, and of course the point of this isn’t to make them overlap, but to draw parallels. And while writing this, truly a lot of opposing things came to mind, where both couples differ in such vast ways, all four being complex, rich characters- it pained me that Aventurine and Veritas would be compared to Sherlock and John only in the way that the “genius” matched the “genius”. smh.

Now the way Ratio is Sherlock is very simple, he doesn’t consider himself human- more like, doesn’t allow himself to be human, to feel, to connect, to breathe; when he is too much of a human – and the main reason he wasn’t accepted into the genius society. Poor Ratio, cursed because he wants to help and spread knowledge, what a mean fate struck upon the burned out gifted autistic asexual kid. To switch to Sherlock (also very autistic asexual coded), he is the most human out of them all, (I believe Eurus calls him that but I don’t recall the exact quote, also pointed out by Mrs. Hudson, John, and Mycroft), trying to be this analytical machine when his caring bleeds through his skin, evaporating through his pores, his love for John and so many others making him pull himself apart and do anything to protect them, ex. killing Magnussen, giving himself to Smith to a guaranteed death, faking his own suicide to protect Lestrade, John, and Mrs. Hudson. Sherlock who, much like Ratio, wishes to be strict in his way of life, but cannot help wanting to explain and help others, and Ratio here differs by wanting to help everyone improve while Sherlock is willing to help only after the person has shown some amount of will, intelligence, proved themselves in some way (Irene Adler) or he so rarely happened to like them (ex. the kid that was at Mary’s wedding). Although, their shared way of calling others around them idiots is neat. I’d say this is their main connection and outside of it they are extremely different characters, which is why further comparison is pointless and shallow if you just want to compare characters because they are quote on quote the clever one.

Case in point, Aventurine is Sherlock because Ratio is John, and the one that saves him. The one that grounds him, and Aventurine NEEDS him. He needs Veritas. And Sherlock needs John. Therefore, Aventurine isn’t Sherlock without Ratio, much like there is no Sherlock (be it books, movies, or the show) without John. It is more about the relationships between them than the actual characters, and that, honestly, makes it even more beautiful.

[maxdibert]

Hello, I've been following you for some time and I love your posts and analyzes about Severus, I regularly update your blog hoping for more and I always wanted to send you something, but I never had the opportunity.

But recently I saw a video on TikTok, which I didn't pay much attention to, but I saw the comments and one of them talked about how if Harry was a woman and looked like Lily, Severus would be a pedophile and that that gave people the creeps. And I, personally, find this statement very funny, because as far as I remember, Snape never had inappropriate contact with any Hogwarts student, or with anyone, in fact. But people intentionally forget that the only person who had the opening to do this was Peter Pettigrew. Ron himself said that they slept together and, probably, Peter saw the boys, literal children, changing their clothes, but, obviously, it would be Snape who was the child predator.

Sorry if it wasn't very understandable, English isn't my first language and I'm using Google to help.

Hi! Thank you. I'm glad you like my rants and sometimes nonense lol

About your pint... Well, this is a very old story. If I had a penny for every time I’ve read someone spouting this nonsense, I wouldn’t be rich, but I’d have enough for a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant. It’s so absurd that I don’t even think it’s worth refuting, but just to clarify a few things:

Severus resents Harry for two main reasons, and neither of them has to do with being in love with Lily. It’s not something as childish as “uh, my crush married someone else.” No, there are several layers to it.

The first and most obvious is that, unfortunately, Harry is the spitting image of his father, who, unfortunately, was a jerk who spent his school years torturing people—specifically, and with great enthusiasm: Severus Snape. James spent seven years hunting him down and attacking him for sport, backed by his loyal ally Sirius Black and supported by his lackeys, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. While the latter two might not have physically assaulted Severus, they were there as enablers and complicit bystanders. Four against one, at the end of the day.

Severus never had the chance to heal from that abuse because, at 21, he was forced to return to the very place that had been hell for him. He had to teach students who were likely old enough to have witnessed some of those humiliations during his time as a student. A victim cannot heal in the place where they were consistently harmed.

Then Harry comes along, looking like an exact replica of James, and every time Severus sees him, it triggers him immensely. When he looks at Harry, he doesn’t see Lily’s son, nor does he see a child—he sees his abuser. And we all know Harry isn’t to blame for any of this, but the thing is, we can’t expect someone who isn’t acting rationally to be rational. Especially when we’re talking about someone who desperately needs therapy and probably medication, neither of which he’s ever had access to.

Then there’s another factor—a deeply emotional one—which is that Harry’s very existence is a painful reminder of Severus’s own role in Lily’s death. The fact that this kid is there, an orphan, is a constant reminder that Severus overheard a prophecy, reported it to Voldemort, and that Voldemort then chose to kill the most important person in Severus’s life because of it. It’s a perpetual mix of anger and guilt.

Looking at Harry forces Severus to relive his past as a victim, his most humiliating moments, as well as the terrible decisions he made because of them and their devastating consequences. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it does explain it quite well.

What I’m trying to say is that the reasons behind how he treats Harry are deeply tied to trauma. If Harry were a girl and resembled Lily, Severus would still feel deeply triggered every time he saw her. The only difference would be that instead of seeing James in her, he’d see Lily. I think, rather than anger, it would fill him with depression and guilt to such a degree that, instead of antagonizing her, he’d try to avoid her as much as possible. He wouldn’t want to get within ten miles of her because seeing her face would constantly remind him of the person he failed and indirectly condemned.

At no point do I imagine anything even remotely sexual crossing his mind. Especially when you consider that Severus never once confessed his feelings to Lily or behaved inappropriately toward her. I do think he’d act “softer,” but not because of her appearance specifically—more because Severus is always gentler toward women. I mentioned this in another post, but his more cordial relationships are almost always with female characters, and when he’s cruel, it’s typically far worse with men than with women.

People who lack even the most basic comprehension or analytical skills… Honestly, if they’re going to hate on him, the least they could do is come up with more convincing arguments. Sometimes it’s just exhausting to explain why their theories don’t make any sense.

[rollercoasterwords]

hi there! i saw a post you made ages ago about gender not necessarily being a static thing and being something that can change over a person’s lifetime.

excuse my ignorance in this but do you think that is something that applies to a person’s sexual orientation as well? i always appreciate your insight on these topics.

also, apologies if anything is worded strangely. english is not my first language.

no worries, i can understand u perfectly! and my short answer to ur question is yes

longer answer is i don’t think anyone is born w some innate metaphysical identity that they can unearth to discover their True Self; i think sex, gender, and sexuality are largely socially constructed, though obviously materially rooted. the comparison i sometimes make to explain this to students is to think about an accent—certain physical aspects influence accent (mouth shape, vocal chords, etc) but ultimately the accent a person has is almost entirely shaped by the world around them; babies aren’t born with some “true” accent they have to discover about themselves. but that doesn’t make a person’s accent any less real or “natural”!

i think where some people get defensive abt the idea that sexuality isn’t necessarily static or innate is that oftentimes conservative voices have used this specifically to say that being gay is a phase, etc. this is a very clever trick, in which heterosexuality is enshrined as “natural” and any sexuality departing from that is a phase, a choice, etc, such that many queer people have found themselves cornered into arguing that queerness is also natural and innate, just like heterosexuality. but the ‘born this way’ narrative will ultimately not lead to liberation, because it fails to question the basic premise that heterosexuality is natural and innate; in reality heterosexuality is just as constructed and contrived as any other form of sexuality, and in fact we often see the lengths that people must go to in order to hide this fact. kinda like the wizard of oz behind the curtain (the invention of heterosexuality by jonathan ned katz is a great book abt this!)

the other sticking point i think people often have with this concept is that they think saying sexuality isn’t innate means people can just pick & choose who they’re attracted to. but that’s not how social constructs work! again, going back to the example of accents, just because an accent is socially constructed/developed does not mean that people can just snap their fingers and get a new accent. this is because social constructs are grounded in material realities and have material effects; they’re not just playing make-believe. money is another good example of a social construct that has very real and tangible material effects; i can’t just take monopoly money to the store and buy something.

so…yeah. i think sexuality can be just as fluid as gender. maybe you’ll be attracted to something at one point in your life and that’ll change over time, or maybe you’ll identify with one sexuality and then later figure out a different label works better for you. when it comes to queer politics & queer communities, i really don’t see a point in trying to nitpick or analyze whether someone is REALLY x sexuality, or what the “correct” label is for someone to use, bc i find labels more useful for identifying shared struggles than for like. unearthing buried metaphysical truths about identity lol. i also have found that i personally am much happier not worrying about figuring out my “true” sexuality and just using whatever label best fits my experiences & how i’m perceived in the world

[dootznbootz]

As someone who is also really uncomfortable with the Zeus/Odysseus art trend, I completely understand where your coming from!

People’s treatment of Odysseus’s assaults in general makes me really upset. Just the other day I saw a comment on a post saying that “Odysseus wasn’t loyal to his wife yet expects her to be loyal to him” and not once in the replies did I see someone mention that he was literally assaulted. It’s absolutely gross and makes me hesitant to go deeper into the fandom.

I remember being so frustrated when the snippets of “There are Other Ways” came out because so many people were making Hamilton jokes and talking about how he always talks about his wife yet cheated. When in the song it was so clear he was being coerced which is yknow, not a form of consent. I couldn’t even listen to it because it made me so uncomfortable, and even now with the full version out the fandoms reaction to it overall have soured me to it. Which sucks, because I do think it’s a great song.

Also I don’t even think Epic completely erases Calypso’s assault? At least, I think it’s left ambiguous enough during the time jump that people can come to their own conclusions. Specifically when Calypso says “Soon into bed we’ll climb and spend our time” just really gives me the impression that something else happened.

I suppose in the snippets we’ve seen of “I’m Not Sorry For Loving You” it seems like Odysseus and Calypso are on slightly friendlier terms, but I don’t think that negates the fact she could’ve assaulted him. And I’ve always took that song as pretty manipulative on Calypso’s side, with Odysseus more so trying to placate her. But that’s going into theory territory.

And even if he isn’t SA’d in Epic it’s pretty clear he doesn’t want to be there!! Same with Homer’s Odyssey. It’s so infuriating to see the cheating narrative be so widely spread when that is just not what happened.

Anyway’s sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to say that it’s nice to see you take Odysseus’s SA seriously. It’s not something the fandom does enough.

It's okay for the long rant. Sorry I took a bit to get to it but I wanted some "soft chatters" for a bit before I tackled this one :)

"Just the other day I saw a comment on a post saying that “Odysseus wasn’t loyal to his wife yet expects her to be loyal to him” and not once in the replies did I see someone mention that he was literally assaulted. It’s absolutely gross and makes me hesitant to go deeper into the fandom."

I completely understand you with this stuff. ;~; I used to go through Odyssey tags often as I LOVE possibly finding new people to follow and fun things but too many times I would see shit that pissed me off. ;~; I've honestly kind of just stuck to my mutuals that I trust tbh. And honestly, there's soooo much shit of people just straight up not understanding the context/culture/meaning/etc. of the Epics and just taking it at face value and not understanding the meanings. :/ I'm no expert, but I also have analyzed and researched quite a bit on my own to try and get the full picture. I think in order to truly enjoy the Odyssey, you need to just... really soak shit in, you know?

When Calypso, that lovely goddess,  tried                           to keep me with her in her hollow cave, longing for me to become her husband,                                  or when, in the same way, the cunning witch Aeaean Circe held me in her home filled with a keen desire I’d marry her, they never won the heart here in my chest.

(Book 9, Johnston)

Odysseus tells this to the Phaecians. They are strangers that he will likely never see again and who are isolationists. Therefore his story that he told probably won't be "spread" to others so he can probably say whatever. So he doesn't have to worry about "Penelope hearing a different story than the one he told to her" if people wanna argue about how "Oh well, he didn't tell Penelope about the 'affairs'"(He tells her everything as well btw.)

He could literally say "Oh yeah, I had the time of my life!" but he doesn't because that's not true. Odysseus has no listed concubines, I just literally don't see him as the type of guy who's really into that.

And while yes, he would be devastated if she didn't "stay loyal", he does sound like he'd be understanding. He asks his mother in the Underworld if Penelope had gotten remarried to "the finest of Achaeans". And we all know of Odysseus' words of "when Telemachus has a beard, feel free to remarry". Even when first "rejected" by Penelope in that she didn't hug him when he sat across from her, he was incredibly hurt but asked for a separate bed. He literally could have had it where Penelope takes a different bed and he takes their luxurious/fancy one because he has the rest of the household on his side.

But he DOESN'T!

Because he adores her for fuck's sake!

Funny enough? I have the weird reaction of like, weirdly searching out "Good" animatics as it was a weird reassurance of "yes, people see that it's wrong." as while holy fuck. so many stupid, awful jokes about "Say No to This" in the comments (I have learned to just stay the fuck away from youtube comments on Odysseus shit. :') ) but like, seeing and HEARING how yes, this was fucked, was weirdly really nice for me. yeah, it took a lot of digging but there's a few "There Are Other Ways" that I love. Literally, both are unfinished wips and they're still my favorites. If you can, please give these two a watch and some love for the creator.

This was back before we heard the full song and it's still very good. How he's on guard until she "magics" him and the colors change. After that he kind of moves like a "puppet" but he's still resisting as best he can.

This one is literally still sketches but it's my absolute favorite. Oh my word. The body language, PENELOPE FLASHBACKS!!! Showing cute bits of Penelope's character and how awful this is for him. (Penelope is so cute. She puffs up her cheeks to make him laugh!) How he really is scared that he'll have to go through with this in order to save his friends until all his past trauma floods back and he just can't. It's lovely.

And yeah Idk how to feel about "I'm Not Sorry For Loving You" :/ I don't know how it'll be yet, maybe there's something in another song that shows Odysseus' real feelings or whatever.

And with just the whole cheating thing, yeah, it's really upsetting to call what is blatant assault "cheating". As wild as it sounds, Odysseus' story has been more relatable for me than any other stories like this, even modern ones. I've spoken a bit about it before but yeh, victim blaming at its finest. I find him and his story and his love for Penelope slkdfj very relatable. It's honestly really nice to write about in a sense..

(I'm pasting this from an old post of mine but yeh)

I have never had a story that felt like how it actually FEELS. The "aftermath" and "regaining life". It's hopeful and feels really good. It's been years since "everything" but it just felt nice to see "Everybody has the chance to get better." Even Nestor, Helen, and Menelaus, while still dealing with their traumas, are doing a lot better now. And after literal hell, Odysseus got to be with his family and loved ones again. He can start living again. It's why I'm just...idk passionate about this? I'm not a murderer or a war veteran but I see myself in him. Hopefully, y'all see me as nicer though!😂(plus, let's be honest, the Odyssey is romantic af and OdyPen is right up my alley as well >:D )

I really hate the whole "he's a guy so therefore ____" whether it's used as a "Boys will be boys. they can't help themselves" usually aimed at female victims or a "Men always want sex. they cannot be victims.". It's fucked up and used against ALL of us. :( Doesn't matter if it was history. People, no matter the era, should never be put through "Are you Victim™ enough?". He is one.

Idk the Odyssey means a lot to me. I hope it's okay I take some liberties with my fanfics as it's nice healing through him :D I AM kind of using my own experiences and ideas and it feels nice. I don't think Homer necessarily meant for this but eh, anything that helps is good :D He's a war criminal that I relate to.

[yuseirra]

More about 159~

hahaha XD aw, GOSH this comic is CRAZY, I think it would be fun if I read it as books and in volumes, it's because it's incomplete, and scattered eps that things feel so tense and awkward, I'm sure. It'd have more sense of flow as a volume.

I wrote a lot of things based on my stream of consciousness this morning (because well I draw hikaai and I DO care a lot about character portrayals and analysis) and I want to share it with you all! I reread it after the heat of the moment and I find it really funny,

If you want to feel assured about Ai and Hikaru (and perhaps ONK as a whole) or like the ship hikaai, I feel this is another post that could help you. Like I said in my ch 159 review, if this ain't it, I have no idea where this is going to head and I might as well take a break off from this piece for a bit and get some air. P3R episode Aigis is coming out on the 10th (great timing!) but I think I'm on the right track. I got so many things right since I picked this up thus far :D So for now, here we go again:

This is just my intuition and a piece mostly based on gut feelings.

Ha;; This morning, I saw someone extremely worried about Kamiki and Ai and couldn’t leave them feeling uneasy... I’m not in a position to calm others down, though!! I'm the one who needs to be calmed!! give me time to brace myself!!! I get tense because I care about where the story's gonna go too!!! I analyze characters and make fan works. I HAVE to look into the source material and make sense of things in order to do that o<-< I’m really stuck with this manga, aren’t I? What a ride... Okay I know the character looks a bit out of it. But listen, even if we criticize the character, we should wait for the next chapter before doing so. Come on, what would Kamiki even LIE about in the first place? Let’s sit down and think calmly. Let’s go over the facts.

Honestly, it would have been better for Kamiki if Ai wasn’t an idol. If Ai hadn’t been an idol, Ai wouldn't have had to die for deciding to keep her very kids with him!! Ai was murdered because she was an idol who had a boyfriend and kids(it's an absurd reason but to Ryosuke, that was his reason to go through with it). If she hadn’t loved Kamiki, she wouldn’t have died. This isn’t Kamiki’s fault, of course!! To add, if Ai weren’t an idol, they might not have broken up in the first place. Even if they had broken up, Ryosuke wouldn’t have tracked Ai down and killed her!! Things would have been so much better for this character if Ai hadn’t been an idol. His situation on the matter, It's totally the opposite of Nino and Ryosuke’s!

To Kamiki, Ai was certainly one-of-a-kind and irreplacable, yeah. But from Kamiki’s perspective, Ai was never a perfect, flawless figure that he found the need to idolize. She was someone who learned acting from him, who was clumsy and scattered, who needed his guidance in the beginning. She shared the same pain, opened up to him, understood him, accepted him, and loved him. Even though she gave him a deep wound and they parted ways, even when he thought she didn’t love him anymore, she remained precious to him to the point where he was willing to give his life for her. She was the person he wanted to marry. Ryosuke and Nino would kill her for not being perfect enough, but that’s not who Kamiki is. He’s actually the biggest victim of that incident only after AI herself. If Ai had survived, he might have been able to meet their children, reunite with Ai, clear up misunderstandings, and more importantly, Ai would still be alive. That alone would have made life more bearable for Kamiki than living in a world without her. I keep saying this but I'm sure he wouldn't have leaked the address to Ryosuke on purpose. I wrote many theories about this and I came to a conclusion that it must have been a mistake on his end, after getting drunk from sadness after Ai dumped him in the phone call. What kind of mastermind could he even be regarding this case? He was 19 at the time. It's total nonsense. There is no reason for him to try and attack Ai who tells him she has their children growing smart and healthy. He's lying about it to Aqua to make him feel better about avenging him because he believed that's what him and Ai's wanted.

What kind of grand conspiracy could a character like this possibly be behind? At least when it comes to Ai’s death, I don’t think he’s responsible. Even if he grew mad, I feel like that would have taken place after it happened. So what is it that this character wants? I’ve been curious about that too-

When I heard anime S2's opening, I immediately realized!! He wants to see Ai again! Would Aqua say something like,

Aqua has Ruby, Kana, and Akane. He’s not going to live just to get closer to Ai or live solely for her love. Maybe to fulfill Ai’s wishes, but that’s different.

“Without you, I cannot live anymore

I would sacrifice anything for you

I can’t get enough of your love

What should I use to fill in what’s missing?”

If Kamiki has any goal, it’s this: He's never been seen to have a desire for Ai to be the ultimate, perfect idol. He’s not twisted that way. If he’s twisted, it’s more like, “I’ll give anything for Ai.”

Think about it. If someone you love died, what would you want most? You’d want them to live again, right? You wouldn’t go around committing serial murders saying, “No one can surpass them!” You’d just want to see them again if there was even the smallest chance. That’s the most important thing. Nino and Ryosuke are twisted. They liked Ai as an idol, not as a person. But this person has two cute kids with Ai... even though they never got to see them properly. He says he has paternal love, and I believe that because there’s no reason for him to hate the kids. He was prepared to take responsibility, after all. Wouldn’t he be happy about having kids with Ai? Wouldn’t he find them adorable, especially since they look so much like him and the one he loves? Seeing how much he still cares for Ai, he’d probably love their kids too. He refers to them as "Yours(Ai's) and mine". He’d probably want to bring Ai back for the sake of the kids, if not for himself. He even believes Ai died because of him, so that would only add to his desperation and longing. When someone dies, they can’t come back, so that possibility doesn’t usually cross the mind-

However, It seems that the songs are saying there is some kind of hope for that becoming a reality even if the chances are very slim. To think Kamiki would have wanted to preserve Ai’s image as an idol and that's what's been driving him? No way. That’s exactly what killed Ai. He’d probably be sick of that... He just wants Ai to live. That’s his motive. He’s been hanging onto that.

As for the Hikaai ship, I had been holding off on judgment until Ai’s feelings came out. I felt like I won’t know until I hear from Ai herself how she feels about him so I waited out for quite long till the entirety of the movie arc, until it got its closure-

And it really occurs to me, people don’t seem to realize how much thought and conviction it takes for Ai to feel that strongly about a person.

Ai is scared, has a sensitive soul, overthinks things, is defensive, and gets wary. She’s afraid to love and get close to people because she doesn't want to get hurt.

But Ai couldn't give up Kamiki’s child because they were what she had with him, even while she was afraid it would be a burden to him!! Do you know how much certainty, affection, and love that takes? It doesn’t seem to resonate with people as much as it does for me, it's such a deep and strong feeling. That's what really got me. She was scared, but she still wanted them because they were theirs...and she protected their children with all her heart that point onward.

This kind of love is something that you might encounter just once in your lifetime, you might never get to meet someone like that at all.

So I thought, “Good for Ai. She found someone she loved that much.” Kamiki must have been a really precious person to Ai to make her feel that way.

In my opinion, for someone to make Ai feel like that, they would have to be the kind of person who would give out their every part of their organ, even their heart to her if that's necessary, and still think it’s not enough. And when you listen to the songs, the speaker does really seems to express that kind of emotion. That's why I thought 'Oh, this is definitely Ai's lover. This is Kamiki that's saying these things.'

You have to trust Ai’s judgment. Ai is serious about love, and she found someone to give it to. He's the one person she decided on. She wanted to live her life with him, worried about him until the end, named her children after jewels because they looked like the one she loved. Had her son who takes after his dad so much have the characters "love" and "longing" in his name. That’s how much she adored him.

What does that tell you? And when you look at the backstory, it seems Kamiki thought he loved Ai even more than she loved him.

Then that must mean he must have treated her really well. So, it’s not about whether Kamiki loved Ai or not anymore. That's totally just a given!! What’s important now is what he has done since Ai's death.

In chapter 155, he said he was "going to do what he could for Ai" and left. Then Aqua showed up near him in this chapter saying, “I need to save you.”

When you listen to the songs, the narrator keeps saying they don’t mind dying. This is a character who has already said they could die for Ai. So what will they do? I think they’re planning to die “for Ai.” But is offering something for Ai or dying for her really what Ai would want? No. Ai would want Kamiki to live and be happy, and they know that, but they’re lying to themselves. That’s the lie this character tells. It’s a self-sacrificing but self-satisfying kind of thing. That's why Aqua says the lies "are for his own sake". This also explains why Ai left a message asking to help Kamiki. This character is someone who could go to extremes "for Ai", but Ai didn’t want that, which is why Aqua is trying to stop it.

If this isn’t the case, then I won’t be able to make sense of this manga... Haha, the Persona 3 DLC will be out soon, so I’ll just go play that...

This feels right to me, though. If it’s not, I don’t know what else it could be;;

Maybe Kamiki's been possessed by an evil god? But even if that’s the case, the motive he has would probably still be about "saving Ai".

On another note, Kamiki was so gentle and kind in his tone when speaking to Aqua. He spoke really softly, didn’t he?

If he had been able to raise the kids with Ai, he would have been the type to pamper and spoil them... He'd have been a sweet dad. I feel like Ai really did choose a good guy to father her kids.

The way he speaks to Aqua feels quite similar to the last lines and atmosphere of the lyrics of Mephisto.. something about it will be brought up soon, I mean Aqua's wearing that same clothes.

To Kamiki, Aqua must be his and Ai’s cute son, right? But does he know Aqua’s soul is originally that of a 30-something-year-old doctor? If he’s possessed by an evil god, maybe he is aware of these things. But if he doesn’t, it might be a bit awkward. His son is almost the same age as him inside...

Aqua is Aqua, though? But that thought still made me laugh a little. I could imagine Kamiki suddenly speaking very formally towards Aqua upon figuring out he's actually the doc who aided Ai with delivering his children safely. Kamiki seems like the type to speak with a lot of courtesy... the way he speaks has been very polite. It depends on the character, but I think that is part of how he is originally.

[in-death-we-fall]

Murderdolls: Turning The Corner

By Tom Lindgren Photo: Frank White

Hit Parader 462 — March 2003 (drive link)

They say that lightning rarely strikes twice in the same place. But these days you’d have a hard time convincing Joey Jordison about the validity of such a claim. With the immediate, out-of-the-box success of the Murderdolls, Jordison has now played a vital role in helping two bands reach the apex of New Metal acclaim. And while the ‘Dolls have yet to attain the level of fame and fortune enjoyed by Jordison’s “other” band, Slipknot, this trash-’em, bash-’em glam metal unit seems well on their way to grabbing hold of rock and roll’s proverbial gold ring. On their debut disc, Beyond the Valley of the Murderdolls, Jordison and his bandmates— vocalist Wednesday 13, guitarist Acey Slade, bassist Erik Griffin and drummer Ben Graves— have proven that they’ve got what it takes to deliver the kind of high-impact, action-packed sound that a fast-growing legion of today’s fans crave to hear. With all this good stuff goin’ on, we figured what could be better than having a heart-to-heart chat with Jordison and Wednesday about all the positive things happening within their musical lives.

Hit Parader: How satisfied have you been by the kind of reaction that your first album has generated?

Joey Jordison: It’s been great. But one of the first things I learned with Slipknot is that you can’t let any sort of commercial expectations get in the way of what you’re doing. You’ve got to make the music you want to make and then let things just take their course. But since the music of the Murderdolls does have a very broad-based appeal, I would hope that a lot of people would get into it. This isn’t just another one of those records with the kind of depressing lyrics that you hear out there. This music is the polar opposite of that— in fact it’s the polar opposite of just about everything that I’ve heard played in the last decade.

HP: Do you include Slipknot in that assessment?

JJ: Absolutely! I’m not criticizing what we’ve done in that band in any way. But this band was designed to be different, and it is. If I wanted to make the kind of music we make in Slipknot, I just would have waited until we all went back into the studio. But I wanted to do something different. I play guitar here— not drums. There are no masks, and the music is about as fun and exciting as it can be. I’m not saying it’s better… only that it’s different.

HP: The band has received some criticism because of your lyrics. Was that something you anticipated?

JJ: It wasn’t something that surprised me because a lot of people take things on a very superficial basis. They don’t want to delve one inch under the surface because they might end up revealing the truth. Anyone who’s listened to our songs knows that on songs like Graverobbing U.S.A. and Kill Miss America we’re just having fun. That’s the main thing— this is great rock and roll music that is fun to play and fun to listen to. Don’t try to analyze it much more than that.

Wednesday 13: I’m one of those people who is a definite product of his environment. I grew up in North Carolina, which is a conservative place where there really isn’t that much to do. So I was forced to listen to a lot of music and watch a lot of horror movies. That’s the real inspiration for most of my lyrics. I loved movies like Night of the Living Dead and Friday the 13th, and some of the stuff we do plays off of that same kind of mentality. You just can’t take it too seriously.

HP: You’re (sic) sound is an amalgam of old and new. How would you describe the essence of what the Murderdolls are doing?

JJ: It’s rock and roll, that’s the best way that I can describe it. Rock music has lost so much of its edge over the last ten years. What was once this great outlet for rebellion and fun has become this sad-mouthed excuse for bemoaning everything. Our goal was to get rock and roll back on the right path. I like to say that the world needs us right now— that this is the right time for the Murderdolls to make their mark.

13: We’re taking all of our influences, everyone from Motley Crue and Twisted Sister to Alice Cooper and the Sex Pistols and just mixing them all together, shaking them up, and seeing what comes out. It’s just a blast. There’s an edge of craziness and danger to everything that spices it all up and makes it very exciting.

HP: Do you believe that it’s time for so-called “hair metal” to make a comeback?

13: I’ve never trusted any musician that looked too normal. I want my rock and roll heroes to be larger-than-life. Maybe today’s kids don’t know any better because that’s all they’ve been exposed to, but we’re here to show ‘em that you can look cool and sound cool too. It’s really sad that an entire generation of kids have grown up without seeing bands really lay it on the line on stage. I remember seeing the Plasmatics, and watching them destroy everything in their path. That was incredible… that was rock and roll!

JJ: We’re trying to avoid being labeled in any way, but we know that’s asking for the impossible. We’d like everyone to just enjoy what we’re doing, but we know that a lot of people are gonna look at us, listen to the music and call us “glam”, “trash metal”, “hair metal”, whatever. It’s no big deal. We knew from the day we came up with all this, that the Murderdolls were going to shake things up. That’s all that matters. By now, we’ve heard it all, and it’s all okay. We’re presenting something that’s very aggressive, that’s got a definite attitude. We’re not trying to reinvent the wheel here. We’re just trying to make sure that the wheel runs as fast, as loud and as far as it possibly can. This is the kind of rock that I love— the kind of stuff I grew up listening to. The problem is that nobody is playing that kind of music these days. That’s why I keep saying that the Murderdolls are needed now more than ever before.

[death-in-a-handbasket]

One thing that bothers me about some ranpo fans is that they woobify him. Like, the mans kinda neurodivergent coded, and people tend to act like hes "baby" for those traits

my brother in christ, that is an adult man! He struggles with some things but that doesn't mean he wouldnt go to a sex shop or have kinks or whatever

YES SO TRUE 🙏

gonna go on a bit of a rant here because I have a great many feelings on this and honestly anon if you wanna dm me to go on a discussion spree I’d be all for it >:)

okay see, I get what they mean when they point out how immature and energetic he is, but at the same time every character has stupid and strong parts to them in different ways. Take even someone as serious as Fukuzawa, who tries offering fish to ever cat there is, or perhaps Dazai, who is one of the most complex characters in bsd, and yet is always knee deep in a prank of some kind

Ranpo is an immature shit but that’s because he wants to be as a sort of reclaiming of a childhood he was deprived of and because it makes things easier to be happy-go-lucky, but he’s still an adult and perfectly capable of acting like one, so seeing people baby him completely without acknowledging the fact that he’s seen dead bodies in all sorts of states and has knowledge on pretty much everyone’s personal beef at a glance, well it’s kind of a letdown from a fandom that has such pride in analyzing its characters. if y’all wanna be so smart as to make comparisons between Dazai, his irl counterpart, and the books he wrote, you can do the exact same with Ranpo and read all about eroguro (and the rabbit hole known as pink films I found on the side while researching)

innocent and baby. yeah sure LMAO

this isn’t to say they’re wrong for making him goofy, I just wish he was known as a whole and not just for certain parts, like have we forgotten he’s on par in intelligence with Dazai 😭 cmon now guys

I could spend all day sitting down and talking about the intricacies of his character and any bsd character for that matter, and as someone who is legit diagnosed autistic also with a baby face, just because someone is neurodivergent and silly in the face doesn’t stop them from from being absolutely vile on the down low, me and the majority of my friends are walking examples of this, and let me tell you the server convos get WILD

[petrichormore]

AND ONE MORE THING: DRAMATRIO IS FINE

(Also to be clear: I like analyzing these things. I enjoy “arguing” over these characters - it’s like enrichment to me, it’s fun, I’m never actually mad I just like writing long posts. And yeah the following is about the characters, not the CCs.)

I see a lot of people talking about how the election is tearing apart friendships - specifically the dramatrio and how Bad and Baghera don’t trust Forever anymore and yadda yadda

And to that I say: Are you sure?

(loooooong analysis below cut)

Are you sure? Because last I checked all three of them greet each other warmly. All three of them care deeply about each other and get along well. All three of them have repeatedly stated that they wouldn’t mind if one of the others became president - and that’s still true. They are at odds politically, maybe, but I think people are overestimating exactly how much they disagree. They argue about politics and they criticize each other’s points, yes, but that doesn’t mean they don’t trust each other or that they think anyone would “become a dictator.”

And I’m seeing that a lot too, on twitter and on tumblr: this idea that Bad and Baghera are convinced Forever and Cellbit will become dictators. And while I think it’s interesting… it isn’t true. I can only imagine this came from the debate where Bad and Baghera criticized insaneduo’s perceived embracing of centralized power? (So did Gegg/Slimecicle, btw) But once again, it’s not Forever and Cellbit that they distrust (well Cellbit maybe a little), it’s a position of centralized power that technically only has to listen to the Federation. Which is a valid ground on which to criticize an opponent’s platform, at least in my opinion. (I agree far more with socio-anarchy aka Bad’s position than a centralized government of any kind so I’m aware I’m biased on that.) But I’m not biased in saying that Bad and Baghera definitely don’t think Forever and Cellbit would become dictators, they’re simply wary of what the Federation could do, and also aware that absolutely power corrupts absolutely.

And before I get to how Bad and Forever are still clearly besties, I do want to hesitantly broach the idea that the position of president - as it’s presented by the federation - is not inherently democratic. In fact, I’d argue it’s kind of more similar to a dictator role, or maybe that of a monarch. The president is not required to listen to anyone, the president does not have to have the peoples’ agreement. The only force the president is actually required to answer to is that of the federation. Just because the president is called “the president” and the federation is making people vote for it doesn’t mean the position itself is democratic in nature - just the process by which the position is decided. You could call the president “king” or “ruler” and it would fit just as well.

Anyway.

Bad said just today that he thinks Forever would make a great president; his problem is not with Forever, his problem is with the Federation. In fact, Bad is still completely okay with Forever entering his and Dapper’s home, and if Bad really felt like Forever was a threat? I assure you that permission would be immediately revoked. And yet it hasn’t been.

Bad and Forever literally spent time with each other on stream today, and neither of them discussed politics because politics doesn’t matter in regards to their friendship. This has always been the case, and nothing has really changed. People claim Bad got more distrusting of his friends due to the election and I’d say he didn’t get more distrusting of his friends in particular - he just got more distrusting in general, because people were being secretive. He’s paranoid, and he’s right to be. Also I know Bad told Etoiles that he might (MIGHT) help Foolish kill other candidates (besides Gegg and Baghera) and I’m saying: He’s not serious. He’s not being serious. He’s a silly guy. Like try and picture Bad genuinely trying to help Foolish kill Forever. You can’t. I know you can’t. Because he’s not serious. If anything, he’d probably just want to watch Foolish get killed trying. This is the same guy who proposed a whale pit of death as a viable assassination method - he’s not actually out to kill anyone (except elquackity) he’s just messing around. He thinks it would be funny, and he’s right. If Bad actually kills a candidate (that’s not Elquackity) unprovoked I will be so so proud of him.

Because if Bad wanted Forever dead - if he truly thought he needed to kill Forever or Cellbit to save the island - they would be dead. And Bad would do it himself; he would do anything to protect the island’s inhabitants, and he’s fully capable of it (I recall Baghera getting upset with him specifically because he refused to promise not to, under any circumstances, kill her.) Bad will kill if he feels like he has to - he just honestly doesn’t really want to. It’s that shrimple.

[late-to-the-magnus-archives]

Corrupted, chapter 23: Getting Real - a TMA x Malevolent crossover

So, here they are: facing fear-gods, and a fucked-up eater of fear-gods, and a weird Welsh heritage, and a death sentence from the devil incarnate, and… they’re flirting about it.

He likes it.

He likes Hastur.

Oh. Oh, he's in over his head.

Corrupted, a TMA x Malevolent crossover featuring Tim Stoker and the King in Yellow, chapter 23.

AO3

-----------------

One of the challenges of an emotional eruption is the tendency to feel stupid after.

Objectively, Tim knows he’s not being stupid. He’s comforted loads of people (drunk and otherwise) who felt overwhelmed and out of control, and he’s aware nobody blames him, or thinks he’s overreacting.

Jon gets him tea. It’s pointless and silly and Tim feels so… moved.

Myrddin just lets him cry it out by walking away and giving him space. Again, Tim is moved; he wanted the space, but was uncomfortable asking for it.

Elias calls back. Yeah, no. Tim doesn’t answer that.

Tim. Tim, breathe.

Tim thinks that's an excellent idea. “I need some air,” he says, sounding nose-stuffed and weary.

“Is that… safe?” says Jon.

“My gut says yes, as long as I don’t go too far, I think.”

“Well, then by all means, don’t do that,” says Jon imperiously.

Tim quashes the urge to put Jon in his pocket and smiles instead. “I won’t. Thanks.” And not remotely in the mood for searching for a door, he climbs right through an open window and away.

#

The ocean goes on forever. He can’t even see the gray horizon-line out there in the fog.

He knows Wales is over there, but weather doesn’t permit visual confirmation, and all he can see is mist and wave and sky. It’s a weirdly lonely feeling. If not for the tower right behind them, it would easily feel like they were abandoned at the edge of the world.

Simon Fairchild, he thinks, would love the view. Then he remembers Junior’s thumb mutating the horizon for a moment, and he sways, dizzy.

Are you all right?

“Super,” says Tim, leaning on his thighs and taking a minute to breathe deeply.

Hastur sounds subdued. I'm sorry, Tim.

"You pronounced those pretty good without practice," says Tim, knowing he isn't making a ton of sense.

Hastur ignores the quip. All of this is so much to ask of a human. I'm sorry.

Tim stands. Swallows. He faces the fact that a god just apologized to him—and a narcissistic, dramatic, ridiculous god, at that. Then Tim faces the fact that if he has to stand up to horrible monsters and impossible magic, he doesn't want to do it alone.

No, it's not that he doesn't want to do it alone. He wants to do it with Hastur.

More than with Danny. More than with any friend. He wants to be with Hastur through this, and he is absolutely not ready to analyze that. “I appreciate that." It's too close, too vulnerable, too real, and Tim jukes left of subject. "All this isn't how I thought my life would end, that’s for certain.”

Tim… it isn’t ending. Not for sure. There may yet be a way to save you.

Tim scoffs. “Don’t you mean us? You better mean us.”

You will have the greatest story ever told when this is through. I expect you to elaborate on my greatness.

Oh, no, Hastur didn't mean us. “Well, sure. Gonna sell the rights to Bollywood, and live off the inevitable franchise money that comes from it.”

Why Bollywood?

“Because any film of my life needs to have gaudy fun, charisma, a good sense of humor, and some baller dancing."

Hastur laughs softly. Ah… I do like you, Tim.

There’s no regret in that statement anymore. There’s an eagerness, an expectation, a focus so intense it has weight. Of course, Tim goes with it. “Kind of impossible not to imagine degenerate things when you talk like that.”

If this works, you won’t have to imagine them anymore.

Hoo, boy. So, here they are: facing fear-gods, and a fucked-up eater of fear-gods, and a weird Welsh heritage, and a death sentence from the devil incarnate, and… they’re flirting about it.

He likes it.

He likes Hastur.

Oh. Oh, he's in over his head. Oh, this is a lot. Tim swallows. "Why didn’t you say ‘us,’ Hastur?"

I’m resigned, Hastur says.

“Resigned?” Tim tries to keep it light. “To what, Bollywood?”

I’ve had a really good run—far longer than I should—thanks to raw luck.

Tim clenches his fist. “Excuse me? You're quitting?”

Don't misunderstand. I'm saying I’ve decided if I have to die because of meeting you, then… the scales balance. That’s all.

Tim stops walking.

Water whispers against the shore, steady and patient. A bird of some kind screams overhead, unseen. The smell of baked bread wafts from the tower, luring. Tim swallows. “That’s a really big thing to say, Hastur.”

I’m aware.

Tim is shaking (because it's cold, he tells himself). “First off, no, I do not approve of you accepting death. Not allowed. Practically an HSE violation. Second, that’s… not something you want to joke around with. For any reason.”

I’m aware.

Tim shakes. He nudges a loose rock with his foot. He could walk the whole island in a few hours; see the weird churchyard where (supposedly) 20,000 saints were laid to rest. See the weird apples unlike any other in the world, immune to blight. See the lighthouse. He doesn’t move. “You’re telling the truth?”

I am.

Tim’s mouth is dry.

Don’t feel like you have to respond. I didn’t say it to get a response. I… just felt it should be said.

But that's such a big thing to say. “Hey. I have a question.”

Ask.

“Why didn’t I lose another body-part after we beamed ourselves here?” Tom says, following a gut instinct.

I chose not to take it.

Tim inhales slowly. “You could’ve before?”

I’m not sure. In both other cases, I was straining for independence, we were in the middle of something wild, and I just found myself with your eye, and your hand. This time… maybe because I had control of your body, briefly, I could feel a… Hastur considers. Like a breeze from an entryway you didn’t know was there. I knew I could follow it and something would happen. I chose not to.

Tim feels pale. Hastur means it. This thing Hastur said… he means it. “Why do the scales balance, Hastur?”

Silence.

“I’m just… that’s a really big thing to say.”

I'm aware.

Tim knows how he’d take a statement like that from a human. He knows what it would mean, emotionally. It sounds like love. 

On the other hand, it's coming from a narcissistic god in hiding who’s facing death by digestion or death by Cthulhu’s great-grand-uncle, all while trapped in a mortal body, and given this, Tim has no idea what it means.

Whatever it really means, it’s a vulnerable statement, and deserves a response. “I…”

Shhh. You don’t have to answer me. I’ve been around a long time and had many lovers, and I know what I said. I didn’t say that to obligate you. I just wanted you to know.

Holy shit. Holy shit. “We're not lovers, though.”

What a strange thing to say to the god seated deep inside you.

Tom chokes a laugh. “What the hell, Hastur? Foul beast. Get thee behind me.”

Oh, I’ll get behind you, all right.

Tim laughs again, and Hastur laughs, too—a deep and quiet sound that buzzes under Tim’s skin in places that shouldn't be possible with disembodied vocal cords, but does anyway.

Damn. They're really doing this. When had the goofy flirting become real?

It is real. This is real.

It's never been real for Tim before. It's worse than fear-gods, worse than some psycho cannibal chomping his way through history. This is real.

Spooked, Tim tries to make it silly again. “Many lovers, eh? How many of those lovers knew who and what you are?”

Hastur huffs. What does that have to do with anything?

Tim grins. “Just wondering what kind of skill level I’m going to be dealing with. You could be like the CEO who thinks he’s funny because his employees all laugh at his jokes.”

Ha! They enjoyed it. I’ll have you know there is no lover like me anywhere in the world.

“That’s not necessarily a positive,” Tim quips, because that was an opening. “And I’m sure they all told you that, right? Notarized and sealed in wax, or something.”

The responses I create cannot be faked.

Tim laughs again. This game is fun. “As far as you know, anyway. Seems to me you’d need a lover who doesn't, you know, worship you to get an honest opinion.”

Are you offering? says Hastur, all honey and whiskey and incorrigible god.

(This became real when did this become real—)

Tim folds his hands behind his back. “Just making an observation.”

Well. I'm glad I could— Hastur stops.

They both feel the change. It’s like a cold breeze, but cruel, moving with intent, and Tim spins toward the horizon. There: a darkness forming in the mist, large, growing, taking so long to resolve into a recognizable shape that the fear of it surges over them, making Tim shockingly aware yet again of how isolated he is on this beach right now, out of sight of land, away from everyone and everything he’s ever known in his life, and—

Hastur’s hand pinches his bicep hard enough to bruise.

“Ow!”

Focus. I'm here. You're not alone. He can’t make us alone.

Of course. Lukas.

Somehow, when Elias said “ship,” this image had not come to mind. It moors in the distance, and its details do not come clear. It is a ghost, a phantom, a rusted and silent hulk in the gloom like nothing else remains in all the world. “Fuck me,” Tim whispers.

I think we’d best go back inside.

“Yeah,” waits Tim weakly. “Hey. Is it okay if I run?”

What do we have to lose?

That was Hasturian for let’s fucking book it, and without another word, Tim turns and bolts.

#

Myrddin seems to dislike having Peter Lukas’ ship in sight of his home. He stands at the window, squishing a slice of bread into a little ball, considering.

“Kinda need that ship,” says Tim, “in case you were, you know, thinking of scuttling it, or something. I don’t fancy trying to portal myself to wherever we’re going.”

“Mm,” Myrddin says.

“I mean, unless you have another way to get there,” says Tim.

“Oh, I do,” says Myrddin, “but I’d rather eat my own foot than go near the destination, to be perfectly honest. Not my cup of tea.” He shivers.

Well, if the wizard’s being that dramatic, then it can’t be that serious. “Not that we both don't know this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but I’ve got a promise to keep.”

“And many miles before you sleep?” prompts Myrddin.

“These woods don't quite have the lovely part down.”

“Dark and deep, though,” Myrddin says.

“You're not wrong.”

Beside them, Jon shivers, staring out the window.

Tim wonders if he sees something they don’t. “Maybe it’s a better idea if you stay behind.”

“No,” says Jon.

He’s using you somehow, little priest, says Hastur. Elias is doing something. You’re walking right into it.

“I don't care,” Jon snaps. “I have to… I can't… you don’t understand.”

“So help me do that?” says Tim, all too aware that a spooky lifeboat with a spooky shape that’s probably Lukas in the bow is coming their way. “Because right now, I'm seeing you taking a big risk, popping along with me, and I don’t have a reason why.”

Jon sighs. “Look. I don’t know what Elias’ role in this is, but I'm not doing any of it for him. You don’t understand. I need to know. I need to. I need see the truth with my own eyes.”

“Right, but why?” Tim frowns. “You’re not telling me something.”

Jon looks positively caught. “I am not.”

“Yeah, that’s a double-negative, boss, so you just admitted you are,” says Tim, just to be a contrary.

Jon reddens. “I swear on my honor I will swim after the blasted boat if you try to leave me behind.”

Tim is not laughing. Nope. Not at all. “You got a lot of practice swimming?”

Jon is too skinny to do a puffy kitten impression, but he manages, anyway. “I grew up in Bournemouth. I’ll have you know I am an adequate swimmer.”

Hastur laughs. Adequate!

“Perfectly satisfactory!” says Jon.

“All right, all right,” says Tim, raising his hands. “You can come on the scary ghost ship. On your head be it if it’s properly spooky and answers nothing.”

“I’m not—” John begins, and then comes a knock at the door.

Myrddin takes Tim’s hand. “I'm glad to have met you," he says. "Don’t die, hm? We can talk when you get…” And he pauses. Blinks. “Oh, my,” he says, and turns away.

“When I what?” Tim blurts. “Get back? Why would you interrupt that?”

Myrddin opens the door instead of replying. A man stands there, and he is not Peter Lukas. He is short, heavyset, with a thick, black beard and dark skin made darker by the sun. He wears a nondescript pea coat, and around his neck hangs the unique, trumpet-like shape of a boatswain’s whistle.

That whistle gives Tim the heebie-jeebies. A whistle has never given him the heebie-jeebies before.

“Well, well, well,” says Myrddin. “Tadeus. That’s where you disappeared to?”

And the man, the boatswain judging by his whistle, looks through Myrddin like the wizard isn’t there, and tilts his head toward Tim in the barest acknowledgment.

Tim feels like his eyes are very wide. "Okay, sure. Yeah, let's go."

Myrddin touches his shoulder. "Good luck," he says softly. "I think you’ll be glad in the end you made the choices you did. Yes. You will.” And he tucks something into Tim’s pocket and pushes him toward the door.

The guy—Dahl, apparently—has already turned, walking back towards that tiny boat.

Jon gulps audibly. “Thank you for your hospitality, sir.”

“Of course, of course,” says Murddin with great and sudden cheer. “We’ll talk more when you get back.”

“When he gets back?” squawks Tim, but he already knows he won’t get an answer.

Dahl isn't waiting. They both hurry after.

Myrrdin stands in the door, smiling, waving a handkerchief like a black-and-white recording of some old-timey embarkation.

Tim shakes his head. “This might as well happen,” he murmurs.

That’s an amusing reaction to horror.

“Sort of logical, really,” says Tim, hunching his shoulders against the sudden cold as he follows this Dahl. “It’s really one of those days, you know? Not much we can do about it. So this might as well happen.”

His left hand shifts slightly out of his pocket and strokes his stomach. Pragmatic. But you're not doing it alone.

Tim swallows.

Jon jogs at his heels, too close, already spooked and shit at hiding it.

They wouldn't get anything out of drowning us, would they? Tim thinks, trying not to add to the spookification.

Only Elias’s displeasure, probably, says Hastur.

“What?” says Jon. “What displeasure?”

Tim forgot Jon could hear Hastur now. “Oh. They won’t do anything nefarious to us, is all I'm saying.”

Jon looks a little pale. “Only if we actually die. There are a lot of things they could do that don't involve death."

Tim makes a face. “Well, sure, if you want to get ridiculously technical, sure.”

You can still back out, little priest.

“Look, will you just call me Jon, please?” Jon snaps. “It's my blasted name.”

Hastur chuckles. As you wish. Jon. He does something to the name, makes it intimate, magical, maybe even a little invasive.

Jon trips.

“Hastur,” chides Tim, steadying him.

What? He wants me to use his name! Names are intimate.

Tim rolls his eyes. “Sorry. Some people can't behave, apparently.”

“Fine,” mutters Jon. “It’s fine. I asked.”

Don’t go making me jealous, now, Tim thinks, still chiding.

Don’t give me reason to, says Hastur.

So.

Tim thinks two things as they follow the silent Dahl onto the rowboat. One, he's right, and their relationship is changed. It is real. Serious. They both feel it, and they really need to talk out some boundaries ASAP.

Two (speaking of boundaries), Hastur is apparently jealous of Jon?

Why?

Well. That would be one of the things they discuss. Soon.

Dahl is strong. He kicks them off the rocky shore and hops in, weirdly graceful, and begins rowing them toward that distant dark shape.

But Tim knows what he saw before. The boat moved itself. Dahl is doing this for show, and Tim can’t imagine why. Though come to think of it, there’s a weird isolation to sitting in a boat, silent, rowed by a man a;sp sitting in silence, who ignores them as completely as if they didn't exist.

[rocketboots564]

Analyzing my Teen Wolf Arch-Nemesis

Okay so… I’ve put this off for a while, but I want to desperately analyze my nemesis of Season 1 of Teen Wolf

KATE MOTHERFUCKING ARGENT

I hate her, I HATE HER SO MUCH. Despite that, I love the way she’s written… because she’s such a genially flawed and vile character (I DO NOT CONDONE HER ACTIONS. Also heads up: mentions of SA)

So, Kate is a fantastic, EVIL villain for multiple reasons.

1. Her dynamic with Chris Argent is great. They’re distant, they get onto each other, and they act like siblings would when you’re both part of a traumatized, toxic family of werewolf hunters. It’s giving a more toxic, diet version of Sam and Dean. Which is good, because she’s a villain. She’s constantly pushing her more straight forward, cruel, and violent intentions, which clashes with Chris and his loyalty to the code and his own morals.

2. I don’t know if this is meant to be hinted at…. but like, she 100% sa’d Derek. I don’t know if this is a hot take or not… but, am I crazy for thinking that? Like I said, I DO NOT condone her actions. But, the fact that she was so determined to wipe out the Hale’s that she manipulated the Chem teacher, AND SLEPT WITH DEREK?! What kind of Griffith shit are you ON KATE?

3. Next up, perhaps one of my favorite things to analyze: her dynamic with Alison, and the perfect twist on the “cool aunt” trope. Ooooh I love to analyze this because it’s so good. A big portion of the tension between Chris and Kate is what they think is “best” for Alison. Kate wants to push her into the life of the Hunters as soon as possible, because she thinks she’s ready. Kate sees potential in Alison, and in a sense sees herself in her.

But in all honesty, she couldn’t be further from the truth. Alison is beyond different, in multiple ways too. They both rebel against their fathers, but for different reasons. Kate is manipulating, malicious, and has evil intent from the beginning. And there’s more to it as well. Kate talks on and on how boys should be basically crawling for Alison. She’s incredibly promiscuous, and wants to push that high-energy, hormonal teenager behavior that Kate herself had as a teenager and even as an adult. But, Alison isn’t like that. She only really has eyes for Scott, even when Jackson tries to enter the picture.

Kate despite how much Kate outwardly says she wants to give Alison power, it’s not really about that. Kate doesn’t want Alison to become her own kind of person or hunter by exposing herself to the hunting world, she wants to make another Kate. She doesn’t truly care about Alison’s feelings, what she wants is weapon, so used to the killing that the hunt becomes the only thing about them (KINDA LIKE GERARD)

Seriously, what does Kate have outside of hunting? What, seducing guys? Reminiscing in the past?

She may love Alison as a niece, but she doesn’t truly have her best interests in mind. Like how she uses the chemistry teacher and Derek to the Hales, she’s spent so long manipulating others for her own selfish desires that she ends up nearly doing the same for Alison, even if she doesn’t fully realize what she’s doing.

All in all I HATE THAT BITCH! But god… if she isn’t a fun villain to analyze

[depressed-teacup-inc]

Ok what was that play

Ok hi everyone, episode 24 out (yes I’m aware episode 23 isn’t out so we lack a whole bunch of fucking context) but let’s try to analyze this anyways.

So. Let’s try to take this a little bit at a time.

Episode starts, and Adrien is in London (probably happened in episode 23) and clearly had a bad falling out with marinette, courtesy of abuse mcbusive dad. Great.

Listen Adrien this episode was a mixed bag for me, because on one side I’m so happy that he finally got to stand up to his dad and tell him shit as it is (especially considering what happens in the season 5 finale which I will not spoil for those who didn’t see the leaks, but let’s just say he doesn’t get the chance to ever stand up to that man again) but the fact that all of that eventually boils down to “I’m done with you because you won’t let me be with marinette” is kinda upsetting?

And that’s really my biggest disappointment with Adrien’s character this season! Adrien was always a compelling and sweet protagonist that beyond romance, held friendship and support above everything, and craved freedom to live his own life, but all of this is kinda gone? He’s just a reward for marinette to win and save now, and everything he does (rebelling for his freedom) is only because of marinette.

If Gabriel decided to suddenly approve of Marinette or Marinette grew up to become just as bad as Gabriel (which frankly, considering the dynamic ladybug has with Chat Noir, where she constantly screamed at him until he became her yes man is unfortunately likely), Adrien would let it be, because he and marinette can be together! He would let himself be abused because he never actually grew as a person! If anything, he was downgraded by the show to purely Marinette’s love interest and it’s just such a disappointment because I genuinely enjoyed Adrien’s character (for all his flaws and bad writing in the show).

Anyways Adrien tangent aside, marinette goes looking for him during the end of year party (which just sidenote, a trampoline on the Eiffel Tower sounds super dangerous, and Marinette’s dress? Ugly as hell, for the dress that’s supposed to represent how much she’s grown and her talent in capturing people’s hearts with her designs, it is really bad, and I would have just put her in that concept art gown they had for her with the butterflies and warm pink gradient) and ends up in the art room of her school, where Felix and Kagami reveal to her the entire truth about the Agreste family!

…ok so several notes on this entire situation:

1. I’m sorry but for the life of me I couldn’t take this fucking play seriously. The masks and the poor props (the pillow for the baby bump) and Felix and Kagami’s super stiff abstract acting made me lose my shit and laugh, they could have literally just used the camera amok to make something with a bit more of a budget and an interesting art style, and had Felix and Kagami be the narrators instead of this shit

2. The sheer absurdity of this show to reveal all the biggest plot points and the entire catalyst for this story (if Emilie never made the sentibabies she would have lived and peacock miraculous wouldn’t have been broken, hence Gabriel wouldn’t be Hawkmoth) through a fucking play is beyond me and shows how little care the writers put into the plot of this show that doesn’t revolve marinette and true love, we should have figured this out not from two side characters but rather through Gabriel himself (bonus points IF ADRIEN GETS TO KNOW THE FUCKING TRUTH RATHER THEN HAVE MARINETTE KNOW IT AND CONTROL ADRIEN)

3. Felix and Kagami’s motives

Ok so this is a bit of a longer point, so let’s break this down. So I don’t understand Felix and Kagami’s motive change at all? I thought Felix all this time was working towards getting the peacock miraculous and stealing all the rings from the abusive parents because it was a moral thing for him? Like he is a sentimonster and he knows Adrien is a sentimonster, and therefore he keeps fighting to protect and save his cousin?

BUT APPARENTLY THATS NOT THE SITUATION ANYMORE??? So apparently Kagami is a sentimonster too (tho she never before season 5 gave that impression at all? If anything she seems very headstrong and independent, and her mom was never villain levels abusive, BUT I GUESS SHE IS NOW?!) and Adrien is not (this I believe is purely Felix being misinformed and not having the full picture, because there’s no way in hell this show would literally use the same visuals they used on Adrien to describe Felix being controlled by the ring without wanting people to draw a connection, but I thought Felix knew? I mean he was saying how he did all of this in hopes of freeing his dear cousin, so I assumed Felix knew all this time)

And because of that? Felix’s motive? True loveeeee.

…ok listen I don’t hate Felix and Kagami together but holy shit I hate that motive

Cuz it’s not like Felix can have a compelling motive for doing less then ok things because of devotion to family and protecting someone who’s the same as him (tho I will concede Kagami and Felix are apparently in love for being sentikids together and they are a cute dynamic so good for them) NO YOU GUYS WE NEED A HETEROSEXUAL ROMANCE, AND SCREW FELIX TAKING DIRECT ACTION TO SAVE ADRIEN AND TELLING HIM THE TRUTH, LETS JUST TELL MARINETTE EVERYTHING AND SHE’LL SAVE ADRIEN WITHOUT TELLING HIM ANY OF THE TRUTH BECAUSE SHES MARINETTE!

…but yeah I thought that entire debacle was a lot.

Also the way they removed akuma alerts this episode so Marinette can just not go to battle and be justified for chasing Adrien crazily, because otherwise she would have looked like a hypocrite? They literally had to remove something they had from day one of this show (an emergency alert for akumas) just to justify the fact marinette didn’t go to battle and chased Adrien so she wouldn’t seem like an awful person (and the way she’s literally not even feeling bad about missing a whole battle, and Chat Noir was berated for missing battles for not being able to escape his civilian life, BUT YEAH YOU GUYS ITS FINE LETS NOT THINK ABOUT THE DOUBLE STANDARD TOO MUCH)

Also Natalie’s hair going white to show she’s dying was kinda weird (was it supposed to show how she’s so sick she’s not even dyeing her hair red anymore?) and Gabriel’s akuma design was ugly as fuck.

But yeah I’m dreading the finale as I already know what is happening there and im fucking scareddd

(P.S. can everyone calm down saying Kagami and Felix are fucked up for how they got Marinette’s attention? They literally did the one thing they knew she’d care about aka she’s obsessed with Adrien she’d follow if Adrien is involved, this isn’t bringing up her trauma settle down girlies)

[hms-no-fun]

I hope this ask doesn't come off as rude at all-- and I apologize if it does!-- but as an aspiring writer, I'm honestly really confused by some of the early choices in Godfeels, and I'm curious if I'm just not "getting it". I saw some posts about it pop up in the tag (and they WERE very shitty and rude about it :/), but I'd love to hear your explanation/take on June's big character change immediately post-realization, and especially the... "Trickster Arc", I guess it could be called? The former I get to some extent, but I'm really curious about the choice to do all THAT so early in the story with the trickster candy.

Seriously love your work, your narration is honestly a big inspiration to me in terms of how meta it gets and how close it gets to communicating directly with both the main character AND the audience!

no rudeness detected at all! this is a great question, in fact it’s one i’ve been kinda hoping someone would ask because i’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot these last few months. but i get the sense that you’re at least a little new here, so uh, yeah, hello, when people ask me interesting questions i tend to answer at great length. so strap in for that after the break lmao. also as a note, there will be some spoilers for all of godfeels here but please don’t let that scare you away, they’re all contextless and, if anything, might honestly make the rest of the story *more* enjoyable as a result.

as far as "getting it" goes, i've talked at length about the how & why of the violence in godfeels in multiple places so i'll try to avoid rehashing that too much here. but one thing i want to emphasize right off the bat is that i never intended godfeels to be an ongoing thing. you talk about the trickster arc happening “so early in the story” but when i wrote godfeels 1 i didn’t plan on writing more. i didn’t even plan on making john trans! my idea of what the sum total of godfeels 2 would be when i started writing it wound up being completely different from the finished work. i didn’t plan to make this thing so long. i didn’t plan for june to accidentally on purpose kill her friends while drunk and then retcon it. i didn’t plan on turning the whole thing into a space opera. it all just happened to me, man. i kept writing because i kept finding more interesting things to say. and it’s important to specify that when i started gf1 i hadn’t written fiction in years. i think if you jumped ahead to godfeels 3 part 1 chapter 8, no matter how you feel about the content we’d at least be able to agree that in the years since 2019 i’ve become a much much better writer. if you want more insight into how my process has evolved, i’ve written so so so much about it, too much maybe even, in the #sarahposts tag.

anyway, now i want to talk about june's "big character change." the extent to which her trickster arc makes sense or feels in character seems to vary wildly from person to person. what always bugs me about "ooc" as a criticism is that godfeels starts six years and change after the end of homestuck. let's remember that the protagonists of homestuck were sixteen when the comic ended. now i want you to ask yourself if you as you were at 16 would think that you as you are now was "in character." or vice versa! probably not, right? it doesn’t even have to have been six years. i was STILL sixteen when i started to get embarrassed of who i was at sixteen!

that should be all i need to say, but it isn’t. and it doesn't really get to the core of the issue anyway. i am not nor have i ever been interested in writing "a sequel to homestuck,” even though it has kind of just become that anyway. godfeels has always been about the meaty existential drama you can tease out through the complicated character dynamics of these fucked up traumatized gods. godfeels has always been my way of analyzing the themes and ideas of homestuck, the existential ramifications of the mechanics of SBURB and the classpects and retcon (let’s remember that i wrote godfeels around the same time that i took over hosting duties on the perfectly generic podcast). godfeels has also always been about me and my trauma. i even used to joke that june was my self-insert character, though i've seen that line repeated unironically by enough people who haven't read godfeels that i've stopped saying it. because it's not true! june is very, very different from me... i just happen to see my life reflected in her eyes.

to immediately rehash what i said i wouldn't, june eg8ert arose out of my frustration with most versions of the june egbert headcanon particularly in the summer of 2019. let's call her "hairclips june." hairclips june is always smiling, usually with smiling friends, she's wearing hairclips and has nonzero tit and is A Woman Now. as i said in my video, while i don't begrudge anyone their comfort food, this simply was not my experience with coming out as a trans woman. and of all the characters, i’d always identified most with john. also i thought, you know, these kids are SERIOUSLY messed up, every single one of them has died multiple times, they've seen things and done things no one should ever have to. and retcon! god, what a mindfuck retcon is.

those are the primal ingredients of godfeels. what if june came out and everyone wasn't chill about it? some folks say that's out of character and, idk, i guess that's arguably true. but i had friends who were very vocal trans allies who’d been in queer relationships who still stopped talking to me after i came out. let me tell you i spent a lot of time fucked up in the head over how "out of character" that was for them, to the extent that i blamed myself for their reaction because surely they couldn't be so out of character. to which one might respond, well, why do this as a homestuck fic then? why not just do my own original thing instead?

and i guess the answer is that i didn't want to and i still don't, really. it's not just about the characters for me. i like the rules of the homestuck universe. i find it interesting how it mechanically reflects being a fictional narrative. and, you know, maybe it's easier for me to process violent intrusive thoughts through a character who is capable of acting on those thoughts and then immediately undoing them consequence-free. retcon is, in fact, sort of the perfect mechanism for exploring violent intrusive thoughts because it lets us play out the fantasy without lasting diegetic harm, such that we can just focus on the existential and moral questions of the phenomenon itself. and like, yeah, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. but isn’t it still just as valid a topic to explore in fiction as anything else?

like em or not, people have intrusive thoughts. people have violent impulses. sometimes they even act on them. the unpleasantness of a phenomenon shouldn’t dictate whether it is acceptable to depict in fiction-- if anything, we ought to take our instinctive desire to look away as an urgent invitation to look closer instead. as i’ve been wont to say for years and years now, “problematic” implies a problem to be solved. that which is human is inherently complicated. to pretend it’s all good or bad excises humanity from the equation, or at least flattens the range of acceptable humanity. all of which is my extremely soapboxy way of saying (as i’ve said a million times by now), yes, godfeels june is problematic. that is in fact what godfeels is about.

there's an extent to which i think this can be blamed on how rooted we are IN june's perspective in gf1 and 2. i don't think people really appreciate the fact that godfeels 1 is john threatening to commit suicide and almost going through with it. that's the context in which her friends react poorly to her coming out; i mean, she's literally sleeping on rose's couch because everyone's so worried about her! i think that, by being completely within june's perspective for all of these events, we don't really get a good sense of the interpersonal dynamics at play (probably because i didn't even really understand them myself until later). instead we just see people who should know better acting like dicks.

i think whether or not june’s trickster arc is canonically palatable to you depends very much on whether or not you've had a dear friend disappoint you so much that you're no longer on speaking terms.

but if we want to reel this back from the abstract philosophical, maybe it’s enough to say that we just have different interpretations of these characters? they’re not monoliths, you know. different people see different things in different characters. some folks get a lot out of hairclips june and that’s okay. maybe i was a bitch about other people’s headcanons back in 2019 when redditors were calling me and my friends abusive pedophiles for liking vriska, but i gave up that fight when the redditors got what they wanted (to harass a group of queer creators offline and out of their jobs). if someone wants to woobify gamzee, whatever man, go right ahead. that ain’t my cup of tea and i personally don’t think that’s very in character either, but that’s why i don’t read it. it ain’t for me and that’s fine. i like homestuck BECAUSE these characters can mean so many things to so many people. is this variability not precisely the thing that makes the postcanon era so interesting?

i have my idea of who these characters are based on who they were in the comic and i work very hard to keep them in character, but i also don't want them to be trapped in amber. i want them to grow and change and become different people, because homestuck itself is obsessed with inescapable absolute archetypes (ie the ultimate self, or the captchalogue system) and i enjoy troubling that. i enjoy swimming in a sea of weird problematic dilemmas. that’s what’s fun about fiction for me, you can think about and write about all the most difficult and even fucked up things you like, and it definitionally cannot cause real material nonconsensual harm to another human being. and yet we get so tied up in the question of harm anyway! maybe that makes sense when talking about marvel movies, but this is fanfiction we’re talking about. this is HOMESTUCK fanfiction. if i were to go on twitter right now and post “homestuck is good” i’d end the day with at least five comments saying “lol no it’s not.” SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL HAVE HOMESTUCK AVATARS. there are few things as cringe as liking homestuck even among people who like homestuck, so who cares? i like homestuck, i like the epilogues, i like hs2, and i think a pretty gargantuan majority of this fandom are subliterate babies. that’s why i don’t engage with them or make much of an attempt to bridge the gap. i think godfeels and its cool little fandom is all the better for how much work it requires of the reader to “get it” as it were. i wish more people would give it a chance, or at the very least not immediately throw me and a lot of my friends under the bus at every possible opportunity, but what can you do? i just write. people will react how they will react. what matters to me is that it stays true to itself as a work, and that it grows with me and my audience and my collaborators. trying to backpedal or soften the edges would just ruin the whole thing, likely alienate my current readers and inevitably invite even more bad faith readings. no thanks!

some folks stop reading godfeels after june's trickster arc, and i can respect that. if you get to that part of the story and don't like it, chances are you're not gonna like the rest of it! and in that sense, i guess you could say i “chose” to have june’s trickster arc happen so “early on” as a litmus test for the reader. as annoying as it can be feeling like i’m constantly having to address this exact issue, i vastly prefer it to a bunch of people hate-reading something that wasn’t made for them. but again, i didn’t know this was “early on” when i wrote it, because i didn’t plan it to happen. i didn’t intend for june to go on a killing spree, she just did it and i as writer decided, you know what? this is way more interesting than what i had planned. and then dirk became the antagonist because, oops, june coming out fucked up all the schemes he has that play out in the homestuck epilogues. and i guess in THAT sense, the palatability of godfeels depends on whether or not you liked and/or tolerated the homestuck epilogues and homestuck^2. these, too, are not for everyone. but godfeels is not a replacement for them, as some folks like to claim (god bless them). i’m not interested in rewriting homestuck or fixing its sequels. ok well that’s not entirely true, i think the epilogues did jake REAL dirty and that’s become a big focus of mine going forward. but even then, i don’t pretend the epilogues didn’t happen. in fact if you’ve read all of 3.1, you know just how cosmically important they end up being.

but this is, i guess, kind of the crux of the issue for me. june’s trickster arc happens very early on in the story, yes, and that’s deliberately challenging on a lot of levels. june spends a great deal of time being challenged by it herself! but folks who stop there (if they even make it that far) often act like the whole story is grimdark wish-fulfillment violence or me airing out my irrational hatred of Boys (????), and that's just not true. i don’t give a shit about that. we get to june's trickster arc at around the 25,000 word mark, out of the current grand total of over 400,000 words. her violence is functionally the prologue, and she spends the entire rest of this story suffering the consequences of those actions. so if i am frustrated with this line of questioning, a lot of it comes down to the fact that if you just read the rest of the story you’d see that i have in fact had all of the same thoughts you’ve likely had. i know people who think i did dirk dirty in gf2, and i actually kind of agree! which is why dirk comes back and has a difficult, complicated relationship with his past self. people complain about certain characters being ooc, which i can certainly understand because when i started godfeels i really did not have a great grasp on them! but also, if you kept reading godfeels you’d know that the tension of whether or not someone is cosmically “in character” is a huge running theme of this story. june’s friends react poorly to her coming out in part because it seems out of character for her! hell, phenomenologically how *could* june be in character after coming out when she barely even knows who she is yet? her whole thing in gf1 is that she doesn’t know who she is anymore! just realizing that you’re trans changes you, changes how you see the world, how you relate to other people. or it did for me, anyway. risk, dare, X, angel dirk, and silverbark are all sorts of caught up in this question. and if you’ve gotten to the end of 3.1 you’ll know about the concept of denexustic radiation:

and that’s just the tip of the metaphysical iceberg. all of which is to say that this is a feature, not a bug. so it’s always very funny to me when people drop out so early on only to complain about the very same problematics that i’ve spent three years and 400,000 words exploring.

BUT. but. yeah godfeels 1 and 2 are messy. the gf3 prologue is very messy. it’s a serial narrative that has changed shape multiple times over the years, and barring a bit of polish on gf1 around when i started writing gf3 i generally refuse to go back and rewrite things. there’s a lot i would do differently today, but if i had done it differently then the story as it is today would not exist. and i love this story! i might look back on gf2 and feel like it’s rushed and messy, but i know that it was the best i could do at the time. it’s a reflection of who i was as a writer then. i live with the ramifications of that for the same reason i don’t delete the old videos on my channel from before i came out/learned what communism was: because i don’t like to pretend that the present was always present. i’m a different person now, a different writer. i made mistakes, i learned, and i changed. i will continue this process for the rest of my natural life, as will you.

ultimately i guess my answer here is that godfeels is a flawed work written by a flawed person, and the extent to which readers relate to it seems to have a lot to do with how much their flaws overlap with mine. i get lots of people telling me my characters are in character. i get people telling me they’re more in character than some canon! and it’s not that i weigh those comments as more valuable, i just see it as an indication of who my audience is. i’m not writing for people who want more hiveswap, and i’m certainly not writing for people who dismissed hs^2 out of hand. i’m just writing for myself and my friends, and it just so happens that some people seem to get a lot out of it.

i’m gonna close out here by actually finally directly addressing your question with what i think you were ultimately hoping for: some writing advice.

the rules don’t exist. there are things that can make some art better or some art worse but they are not universal. the rules are fake and if you hold every story you touch to those rules, you’re gonna have a bad time. a story is not static and it is never truly yours. you discover it. sometimes you can expand it or alter it in ways but, at least in my experience, doing so more often than not just kills the whole thing-- or at least demands a complete reconceptualization. all of which takes time, and we live in a world where taking time to get in touch with and hone your craft is considered sort of a bad economic decision. but art is what it is and it does what it does and we can either play with it or we can put it in a cage.

what i like about making art is that i am not entirely in control. i have my plans, my schemes, my ideas, but the fun of writing is just putting a bunch of characters in a room together and seeing what they do. quite often they do things i would never expect, that are far truer to their character than i anticipated. my experience has always been that the more you outline a story before you write it, the harder it is to actually write that story. when i know everything that’s gonna happen on a moment to moment level, the whole thing falls dead on the page. but obviously you need to know SOME things! and i’ll say that from the inception of gf3 back in december 2019 to now, very very few of the broad strokes of my plans have changed. if you’ve read all of 3.1 you know there’s a very specific timeline at play in the backstory of a group of characters we’ll be spending a lot of time with in 3.2. there are no questions or mysteries or whatever else i’ve introduced to this story that i did not have at least the sense of an explanation for. but these are simply bullet points that dictate the endpoint of a path and suggest something of the moral/philosophical/emotional arc that needs to occur in order to get there. the real meat of it comes out in the act of writing itself, and that’s what i’m here for. it’s a gamble that doesn’t always pay off, and it does mean that i have almost 80,000 words of material i ended up rewriting or cutting sitting in a doc somewhere, but that’s worth it for me.

if art is to be relevant, it must have the capacity to make an audience uncomfortable. if art is to be essential, it must have the capacity to demand a strong reaction (positive or negative) from everyone who sees it. if art is to be true, it must have the capacity to reflect the disquiet contradictions of simple existence that we desperately wish to ignore in our daily lives. that doesn’t mean everyone has to or should read difficult art, or like it, or make it. but it has always existed and it will always exist, and i think it is essential for writers and critics alike to learn to stop themselves from mistaking a common storytelling method for THE storytelling method. and frankly, most of the art i love most in this world is art that i didn’t particularly like the first time we crossed paths.

and lastly, never forget the inarguable truth that the audience bears quite a lot of responsibility in this equation. you are never, as a writer, inflicting anything on your reader, because your reader can always opt out at any moment they wish. if something doesn’t work, yeah, that’s a problem you can fix. art is a conversation in that way, or at least ought to be. but at the same time, art has no obligation to be perfect, or smooth, or easy to consume. the rules are fake. they exist to be broken. the pursuit of perfection is a dead end. just make shit

okay this one has gone on QUITE long enough lmao i hope there’s something useful in there for you somewhere and uhhhh i hope you enjoy the rest of godfeels if you haven’t already read it!

[tenebraevesper]

Analyzer - Félix & Emotion, Part 1 (Miraculous Ladybug)

So, now that Season 5 of Miraculous Ladybug has finally ended (and left us with an abysmal conclusion), I’m here to deliver my thoughts on how Félix was handled this Season. I have heard all kinds of reactions and opinions, but I’m here to present you my unfiltered thoughts in regards to him and his actions.

But, before I start, I’ll preface this with saying that I’ll be splitting this analyzer into three parts: Pre-Emotion, Emotion & Post-Emotion, mainly because of the shift that happened in that very episode.

So, let’s start the party!

Last we left off, I talked about Félix in Season 4 and basically praising him for being an unapologetic gremlin who causes chaos anytime he appears. Given how I felt nothing for the heroes in the Season 4 Finale, I frankly couldn’t care less about Félix’s “betrayal”. The only thing that annoyed me were the idiots who clowned on Maribug for somehow not having the ability of mind reading and realizing Félix was cosplaying as Adrien.

We’re starting off with Episode 2: Multiplication. There isn’t much to say, aside from the fact that Maribug has figured out that Flairmidable was Félix, while Adrichat was stewing in his own jealousy over Maribug having a team of heroes to help her to figure that one out. Not to mention, even after Adrichat mentions how Félix and Monarch might be connected, he completely forgets not only that Félix was interested in sticking around at the Agreste mansion, but that he found a spy glass which should’ve hinted that Félix was investigating something or someone - namely Gabriel. Great start!

So, here’s where we learn a bit more about Félix,... and why does he have a Wikipedia page? Also, I thought his surname was Graham de Vanily, but it appears he has retained his father’s surname rather than taking his mother’s.

Anyways, we find out that Félix is the son of the American billionaire Colt Fathom, who died the previous year, and his mother, Amelie, is actually the aristocrat Lady Graham de Vanily. He’s also a triple kung fu and horse riding medalist, chess prodigy and England’s youngest graduate. He’s also the only one who has any braincells in this show.

Skipping over the boring stuff, we learn that Amelie had been covering up for Félix, pretending that her son was not at home so Maribug and Adrichat wouldn’t search for him.

Behold, the only parent in the Rich Kids Club who actually cares about her child. Gabriel, Tomoe, André and Audrey could never!

We can already tell from the scene that Félix is up to something, with Duusu wondering if he’s her new holder and Félix responding with: “I’m much more than that, Duusu.” This is what we like to call “foreshadowing”.

Skipping ahead to Episode 18: Emotion, we finally learn what Félix’s plan is. To quote Red: “It’s murder. The plan is murder.” Ooops!

The episode itself starts off with an Adrinette scene and I’m gonna skip over this, because honestly, I couldn’t care less about the Love Square since it feels more forced than 8-year-old me mashing a Barbie and Ken doll against each other while shouting “Now, kiss!’’

Anyways, we see Félix, once again cosplaying as Adrien as the Diamond Dance and spotting a ring on Kagami’s hand.

Don’t worry, I’ll get to that. First of all, how do I know this is Félix and not Adrien? Because there is no way Mr. Oblivious himself would have such reaction to a ring on Kagami’s hand. Second, where the hell is Adrien even? I sincerely doubt he agreed to Félix’s idea of pulling another switcheroo. Did Félix kidnap him or something?

Anyways, Félix has a sudden realization about Kagami that I will address a moment later, while Kagami just glares at him. The tension is then broken up when Amelie barges into the building, yelling at Gabriel about how Félix is still missing.

Amelie Graham de Vanily: (struggles to make her way in through the guards) Gabriel! My son Félix has been missing for weeks now! (storms towards them) Not only have you and your friends been no help with the search! But now I'm not even invited to the ball?! You haven't been the same since my sister Emilie disappeared! Why are you rejecting us?

Parent of the year! No, seriously, even if she’s only acting, her giving a verbal smackdown to Gabriel is always pleasing to hear. Hell, she even questions Nathalie why the hell she’s still working for Gabriel despite his obvious cruelty.

Anyways, moving on to the actual Diamond Dance, which really is just a party for snobby rich kids (as established by Chloé, who has been really done dirty this season, turning her into a caricature of herself, because Astruc apparently can’t stand the thought of people being fond of her). 

We spot Félix and Kagami talking to each other, with Kagami still believing that the person next to her is Adrien. I have to say, while probably a bit awkward, I do like the interaction between them, especially how Kagami calls Félix more assertive and braver, and being willing not to go between “Adrien” and Marinette, because Marinette is her friend. Wait, wasn’t she gunning for Adrien in Season 3 regardless of the fact that Marinette is her friend?

Eh, who cares, because the writers certainly don’t.

Félix doesn’t care either, as he’s here to just play his role as Adrien, at least until the right opportunity. Kagami continues telling him how they don’t have to play as the puppets for their parents, and Félix counters with their parents still be the ones controlling them. Kagami replies that she, being a descendant of Samurai women, obeys orders because she wants to, which makes me wonder whether any of the writers ever did research on samurai. They didn’t obey orders because they wanted to, it was because they had to, even if it caused the samurai or their family to suffer. In fact, the word “samurai” means “one who serves”. Yeah, the implications are a huge “yikes” given what is revealed in this episode.

Félix, ever the charmer, dares her to leave the party, leaving a protesting Kagami stunned when he tells her that he can do that. Once again, pure cunning and gremlin attitude coming from him. Not to mention, Kagami is visibly excited about the idea of just getting away.

So, if all that’s needed for her to fall for a guy is for the guy in question to be rebellious, I’m seriously wondering why the hell she ever fell for Adrien, who has the spine of a wet noodle? I suppose she thought he was similar to her, a lonely rich kid who dreamed of freedom and would grow a spine and escape the expectations Gabriel put on him. That, or it’s because the writers said so.

Anyways, Kagami changes her mind, with Félix being disappointed.

Félix!Adrien: See? You're not as free as you claim. Don't you think we should be able to decide our future?

Keep in mind that conversation about freedom. It’s kinda fascinating.

So, before they can open up the ball with a dance, Marinette runs towards Félix, rambling about how “Adrien” could’ve told her how he went to the dance even tho he didn’t want to go to it... and seriously, couldn’t you send him a text message or call him to tell him that? Because you know what this is? This is more unnecessary drama to make fun of Marinette being “oh, so in love with her boyfriend” because no one in this show knows how to write actual romance unless it’s accidental. Honestly, what is with the writers’ obsession to clown on her every damn episode?

It did serve a purpose to Félix’s story, though. After all, Félix only knows Marinette as that one girl who sent Adrien a love confession on the anniversary of his mother’s disappearance/death/whatever. Now, he saw a girl who was willing to break into a high society party to tell her “boyfriend” she loves him. That’s some crazy dedication. After a little nod from Kagami, he starts dancing with her.

It gets even more interesting with this piece of dialogue:

Félix!Adrien: All eyes are on you.

Marinette: They're looking at me like I'm a monster.

(Adrien's face turns sour.)

Félix!Adrien: Look closer, Marinette. (stops dancing, and whispers in her ear) They're the monsters.

Honestly, this is leading to some really interesting characterization in regards to Félix, but I’ll get to that in a moment. Marinette figures out this guy isn’t Adrien, with Félix giving her a devious smirk.

I just love this little gremlin. Félix then proceeds to transform...

...in front of everyone? Has he not learned that, if your identity is revealed, your Miraculous will be taken away? Unless you’re one of Marinette’s classmates and not named Chloé, because screw Chloé.

I gotta say, the transformation is quite short, if snappy. Furthermore, Argos outfit is miles above Flairmidable. I suppose Félix spent the previous 16 episodes coming up with an outfit for his big reveal.

Now, here’s where I have to clown on Marinette. This girl sees Félix using the Peacock Miraculous to transform into Argos, a Miraculous she knows was last held by Mayura and then Shadow Moth. She also knows that Félix was the one who either gave the other Miraculous to Monarch or had them taken away. Yet, she still doesn’t put two and two together and ask Félix about what he knows about Monarch. Admittedly, she may have more pressing matters to deal with, given how Argos reveals the solution to all of his problems.

It’s murder. The solution is murder.

Long story short, Argos creates a Sentimonster named Red Moon and then uses it to Thanos-snap everyone he doesn’t care about out of existence - including Gabriel!

Argos: Good evening, uncle! You can call me Argos now. Gabriel: How dare you! I will never allow you to— Argos: Oh, I think you will, uncle! It's time for someone to finally put an end to your endless 'trying to control people'. Adrien, my mother, me; turn us into whatever you want us to be! I'm freeing us from you! (Argos snaps his fingers and Gabriel disappears into thin air.)

Wooo, end the episode right there! That bastard Gabriel is finally dead! Félix/Argos saved the day! Let’s break out the good stuff and party!

Yeah, considering how this wasn’t the finale of Miraculous Ladybug (too bad), it’s obvious Gabriel will be brought back, but let me enjoy the moment.

Anyways, I’ll end Part 1 of the Analyzer at this moment, and discuss instead Félix’s character up to now. In Season 3, we saw him being very reserved, showing disdain for Adrien and his friends, and willing to go so far to sabotage him. Season 4 showed more of Félix’s cunning side, as he was the only one to figure out that Gabriel is Hawk Moth/Shadow Moth, being willing to confront him even though Gabriel threatened his life. Not only that, but he also achieved his goal of taking possession of the Peacock Miraculous, fooling the heroes and making a fool of Gabriel.

It is established that Félix is a very morally grey character. He’s observant and self-serving, looking out mainly for his own safety, with there only being a few people he genuinely cares about, like his mother and Adrien. As shown in Season 5, he clearly cannot stand the people around him, save for Kagami and Marinette, calling everyone else monsters and desiring to be freedom, not only for himself, but for others as well, and even resorting to make everyone vanish to achieve that.

I know people consider Félix a villain, but I don’t think he can be called one. The title of Anti-Hero actually fits his character more. He’s selfish, having put the safety of Paris in danger by giving Gabriel all of the Miraculous, but here he just snaps him out of existence, ending the reign of Monarch once and for all, and Gabriel cannot do anything about it. Technically, he saved Paris, and he did it because he had enough of Gabriel being a controlling bastard.

Félix continues being awesome in his own way, and while the rest of the episode explorers who he is as a person, I’m afraid that his is the peak of his awesomeness.

Links:

#Analyzer - Félix & Emotion, Part 2 (Miraculous Ladybug)

#Up Ladybug (Masterlist)

[thygoddessouijathicc]

The Jack Empathy Essay

So I was writing another essay and it wasn’t great, but there was one thing that I feel like I do want to talk about, Jack Kennedy and his supposed lack of empathy.

Why does Jack not really care too much about his siblings, why does he ally with Henry in the bad route of the third game, and most importantly (shockingly not kidding) why is his relationship with Dave the key to all of this.

Spoilers ahead!

So let’s get this out of the way. Jack does not lack empathy, contrary to the title this essay aims to prove he DOES have it, just not towards most people.

You may be saying I’m crazy right now, of course he lacks empathy, why else would he be this way? Well I’d actually argue Jack just doesn’t COMPREHEND empathy or understand fully how to naturally show it to people he doesn’t know.

Here is my thesis: The Jack in the games is not Jack, he’s something else inhabiting Jack’s body which has his mind in there, but in a sort of fuzzy retrospective way. He knows everything the real Jack knew but he doesn’t understand it. There’s a communication error in his Jack memories to his mind which causes him to not fully grasp anything other than a general sense of the concepts of what he should be doing and feeling.

This is a weird take to say the least, but it’s not like it makes no sense with what we’re given. In fact almost everything in the games seems to support this. When Blackjack declares himself the true Jack, he doesn’t disagree, at all. He knows he isn’t Jack, he never could be. He’s not even really human. Like at all. 

Jack has slitted pupils, I’ve analyzed before the glowing eyes, but I focused on how they dilated and why Dave has such weird ones. I never really gave Jack’s weirdly inhuman cat eyes another thought, but thinking of it now, with this idea in mind and the fact Henry, who is stated to be human, doesn’t have this, it looks weird. These eyes prove that whatever he is, he’s not just an undead human, there’s something in there, it’s not a soul, or at least probably isn’t, but it’s something. 

Now let’s talk about family. 

Jack doesn’t care about them. Well he DOES, but only surface level caring. He cares in a way that feels like he just thinks he’s supposed to. Jack cares because real Jack cared. He doesn’t know why beyond that they are family, and he has and will gladly sacrifice all of them. Not because he can’t have empathy, but because in his mind, he at least subconsciously knows that they’re strangers. 

Ok, you say, but how does this prove he CAN care. Well for that, let’s take a look at the good end to the third game. Jack lies to his family, it hurts sure, but he doesn’t really have a serious moral panic doing it, but then he gets to Dave, and he can’t lie. Jack can’t bring himself to lie to Dave for one reason or another. Not only does he ONLY tell Dave the truth, but he also basically declares his love and gives Dave “his” soul. Some think Jack wanted Dave to tell, but it doesn’t feel that way, it feels like he didn’t overly care if the others knew, only if Dave knew. Dave is the only one he wanted to know the truth. Jack can and does show empathy. 

Why Dave though? Why not his family? Well as I said, his family are glorified strangers that he feels obligated to like without truly understanding why… Dave… isn’t. Jack genuinely knows and has a relationship with Dave, platonic or otherwise, he’s the only one he shows empathy because unlike the others, liking Dave doesn’t feel like an obligation. It’s an actual relationship he had and developed that he knows fully and fully comprehends. 

Now let’s talk about Henry. Why does Legacy take his side? It’s the same reason he doesn’t care more than a surface level about his family and does care about Dave. Jack knows he’s supposed to hate Henry but doesn’t feel a full motivation to beyond that he’s a bad person who killed the original Jack as well as Dee. He hates him, but not to an extreme level. So if he hates Fredbear, is ok with murder, wants a legacy, and doesn’t have more than a surface level hatred of Henry, well, if Henry talks to him he becomes super easy to manipulate because almost all their goals and opinions line up, to him, he doesn’t know Henry, not really, so it’s really not hard to side with him, he does the same with Dave who he knows was involved in his sister’s death so he’s done this before. 

So if this is the case, what about the fight with Henry? Well, in that case, he opposes all his beliefs and goals, and cares about morals so he hates him, when he finds out everything fully and sees it’s effects on others, probably especially Dave given as I’ve said, he ONLY cares about Dave truly, so the faux hatred becomes real hatred.

The only characters without prompting from others he’s ever hated (besides Matt) are Steven and Fredbear. And this actually makes a lot of sense. Steven is mean to him, and thus he doesn’t like him, even understanding the complexities of phone guy’s he still dislikes him by default because as stated, Jack only cares if it happened to him in his life, he never truly shows a distaste for phone guys as a concept without player prompting, so it’s fair to say he’s neutral on them or might not even fully understand. He doesn’t care why Steven is like this, only that he was mean.

Next is Fredbear, and why he hates him in the bad route is clear, Fredbear could solve all of this himself but doesn’t, and instead revives a rotting corpse in this weird state to do it for him. Blackjack did in a day what Fredbear failed to do in years, and Jack feels like he’s a casualty who suffers because Fredbear simply doesn’t want to do things himself.

Now let’s talk about the murdered kids. Does he care? No. Jack understands he should and generally why, but it feels more like an inconvenience to him, if not something he wants to indulge in himself. Yet another case that hints to Jack not really understanding the world around him.

I’d say Jack is like an adult man with the moral understanding of an 8 year old. He knows right from wrong but he doesn’t understand right from wrong. He’s very much an adult but has this weird thing where it’s almost like he were never actually taught good vs bad beyond that people think it exists, he doesn’t know what the words mean, just one is liked, one isn’t. So he has no qualms about doing bad things because he doesn’t know what bad means.

Now I may be, and probably am really off base. At the very least this theory is around the same weirdness level of Lizard Dave, maybe even Frogry. But I think it makes some sense.

And hey, at the very least it makes a cool fanfic concept.

Essay over, begone.