#the endless fucking spiral. i hate it i hatye it i hate it

[hymenoptera07]

when the mental illness hits so hard you feel nauseous . fucking hell

aand venting is gonna make me feel worse because my ocd always tries to convince me "hey if you vent because you feel bad youre manipulating people into caring for you and you're a bad person for forcing people to deal with you and your stupid fucking emotions" and it always makes me feel worse. and then i notice people talking about their own stuff literally anywhere and i get practically paralyzed and cant talk at all anywhere because i feel bad and i start truly believing everything i say is manipulative and even just saying "hi" is me manipulating everyone to get attention GOD WHY DO I ALWAYS WANT ATTENTION. I DONT NEED IT. I AM FINE. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET IN A WORSE MOOD SEEING OTHER PEOPLE DEALING WITH THINGS "WORSE" THAN ME. my problem isnt even that bad i shouldn't be fucking saying any of this goddamnit. and then im gonna post this and everyone's gonna see it and then theyre gonna feel like they have to give me attention and i dont want to force people to give me attention i dont need it i dont want to force people to do things to make me feelj better i need to shut UP