#the drowning children thing is also so extremely specific like

[thisloveforyourmom]

Everyone always reminds me that Stewjon was made up as a portmanteau of Jon Stewarts name as if that changes anything about the random ass 'canon' that came from absolutely nowhere 😭 like at least Stewjon existing is word of god, what is the collective hallucination of it being a Mandlorian planet with near-human inhabitants who ritually drown force-sensitive children in their infancy and is also somehow Scotland

[writers-potion]

Hi. I'm writing a novel in first person and my main character has some serious trauma around swimming, but I'm not quite sure how to write that fear or that reaction they would have. also having the same problem with a lot of fear-related subjects when writing in first person. any tips? thanks! :D

Hi, thank you for the question!

As someone who has a deep fear of drowning AND of swimming, I think I can testify for that particular fear in person. But before I dive in, here are some factors to consider:

Age of your character: A child or teen or adult?

Children are more likely to show fear by expressing dislike, or even being violent/throwing tantrums when they're made to confront it. Teens may try to hide it, or build creative (sometime extreme) methods to avoid it like hell. Adults, at least mature ones, will learn to build barriers around their fears: avoiding it as much as possible, but also learning to control their reactions when they come to contact with it.

One-time event or chronic?

Another thing to consider is how the trauma came to be in the first place. Here are two traumas from my personal life:

Fear of water: I nearly drowned in a wasterfall at age 2. At age 5, one of my friends pushed me into a pool unexpectedly. Age 10, my sister made me swim to the deep side of the pool and when I stopped to take a break, I couldn't stand up. Age 13, I had a horrible swimming teacher who expected everyone to be able to swim..etc.etc. I've had multiple near-death experiences in water and after that, even after I've learnt how to swim, I'll NEVER.

Fear of elevators: I was locked inside an elevator for over an hour during a powercut. When I managed to forced the door open to escape, I found myself staring at the abyss that smelled faintly of oil. I was stuck in between floors. + Around the same time, a delivery man in the same elevator grabbed and kissed me, then ran away. A couple of days later, he tried to force his way into our apartment when I answered the door. These two event alone was enough to compel me to take the stairs for the next seven months.

Usually when a trauma has been built over time, it's difficult to see the problem rationally even when time has passed.

Traumas caused by a large, one-off event, moving away from the specific location and getting rid of the situation more or less permanently is often enough to make the person see the situation rationally. It was that particular elevator, that delivery man. It's not going to happen again. It'll remain more like a fully healed scar that tingles once now and then.

The attitude of your character. Do they want to overcome the fear, and feel frustrated/angry at themselves when they inadvertently feel scared? Or are they highly defensive? Maybe they have no mental walls built, and simply run away at the slightest hint of the feared situation.

Tips for Writing Fears

It's easier to open up to strangers. It's easier to confess a fear to someone who doesn't know your personal history, since there's less chance you'll be judged.

Simulating isn't the same as actually confronting. Your character can find themselves dreaming about being able to swim perfectly, then feel their daydream shatter when they actually try to.

Extreme tension + crashing afterward. Whenever your character is exposed to swimming, they'll be at their wit's edge, being tense and paying extreme attention to their surroundings. Once they're home, they'll simply crash like how you'd hit the bed after a long, hard day (maybe feeling body pain, constricted chest, headache, loss of appetite from the sheer exhaustion).

Overly prepared vs. Avoiding. It's one or the other. Either your character brings a safety jacket, a donut tube, a rope, snorkling equipment, etc. or they don't bring a swimsuit at all so that they can say, "I can't swim in my skinny jeans and silk shirt, can I?" and avoid it altogether.

Saying "I'm okay!" repeatedly. More to themselve than to others as a form of desperate self-assurance.

Panic. At times when your character comes dangerously close to swimming, they'll just panic and make the situation worse for themselves. For example, if they just happen to slip inside water while sitting at the edge of the pool, they'll immediately start kicking and gasping as thogh they've already drowned. It almost becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They'll swallow water, strain all the muscles in their body, and sit extremely still covered in multiple swimming towels afterward, saying nothing and playing the moment over and over in their head.

Being nervous for the whole day if they know they have a swimming class (or something similar) later

Dreaming about drowning

Trying to learn swimming, but not progressing for months because they can't bring themselves to step out of their comfort zone (which is going to be very small)

Hope this helps! :)

[crayonverse]

details bout michael n eins dynamic. 2 me (cw physical/emotional abuse, cannibalism, suicide/suicidal idealizations, ableism, self-harm)

michael only refers to himself as eins father when he wants ein to do something, any other time hes just michael .

lets ein not refer to him as sir to make him feel more "special" .

after eins mom broke up w zack she sorta got a bit. out of it. she started neglecting ein and she became depressed. The First Step in ein distrusting others bc his mother stopped paying attention 2 him. michael used a small amount of his magic to control her and make her drown herself in the kitchen sink and then kidnapped ein, making it look like she had killed herself and ein had ran away. .

just as a small thing of me hcing ein as a transguy, michael named him ein bc the meaning of "ian" (which is what his name is just spelled weird) is "God is Gracious" as a constant reminder that michael "saved" ein. .

ein wasnt tested on w forever potions (in the early stages w the other kids) because michael absolutely could not let Zack know he had his other stupid kid. when ein found out about the testing he was extremely upset bc he wasnt "special enough" for it. picture ein 6 years old begging for medical malpractice to be used on him .

he was tested later but as a teen when michael got out, since he didnt have access to the other children. although he wasn't able to use the full potions since he didnt have access to emeralds at the moment, so he used diluted versions of the potions that weren't as powerful via syringes. ein gets a fear needles from it .

when michael n the other two idiots were locked in the pocket dimension ein went through a brief depressive period bc the One Guy he (thought) cared about him disappeared. when michael did get out he didnt tell ein immediately bc he . doesnt like ein but when he found out ein got arrested he told ein that he should stay in jail for a few months to "learn his lesson" .

slightly unrelated but when michael wanted him out of jail he also wanted ein to disappear off the radar so he faked eins death in jail. originally he wanted ein to die in like a riot but ein, sensing an opportunity, asked for it to say he killed himself instead. the opportunity being aphmau half way into her uni course looking up her old high school bullies to see what theyre up to and just finding out ein is Fucking Dead .

the potions michael uses on ein are mainly magic power related (like eins Green Laser) because he likes manipulating ein into doing things rather than using his magic because its "more fun" .

michael subconsciously views ein as his actual son (mcd travis) bc he feels like "this one is a better son" or whatever .

not a specific thing but mother knows best reprise from tangled is a Viewpoint on their dynamic 2 me .

ein is internally scared of michael but he never verbally says that and if anyone asks him if he is he denies it immediately bc he doesnt want pity. you can see it in his eyes though. elizabeth is really the only other person who mentions it but she mostly uses it to make fun of ein because she "doesnt think its that bad" (<- she is unaware) .

bc of michael ein absolutely hates unwarranted physical touch. he reacts violently if anyone grasps his shoulder from behind or touches his upper arms. the only touch he usually allows is people lightly touching his hair/head bc he still registers it as headpats (grabbing his hair usually results in him biting) .

michael usually physically threatens or abuses ein to reprimand him but sometimes he throws ein into the Metaphorical Torture Box for entertainment .

basically most of the things michael does to ein is for his own amusement .

he also heavily dehumanizes ein to convince him to do evil acts, rationalizing it to him as "you arent a person so is it really that bad??" ein does not view himself as an actual person at this point more so as a nameless soldier, a weapon, etc .

i used this for an old fic n stuff too but also michael makes ein commit cannibalism to forcibly dehumanize him more. he wants to make ein feel entirely disconnected from humanity (like michael feels for himself) so ein will basically be a "mini michael" .

ein also consciously copies michaels mannerisms/speech. only really elizabeth n zack notice it however and it just fucking freaks zack the hell out (elizabeth is also freaked out by it but mostly ignores it) .

theres just a general theme of a loss of control for ein in general. he gets a small allowance from michael and hes not allowed out overnight, all his communication is usually internally with the researchers or guardian forces. most of the time ein self isolates from them, viewing them as beneath him and michael. when they try to talk to him its a 50/50 whether he'll tell them to fuck off or he'll hiss at them .

another specific detail is pre s4 ein fucked up a potion and instead of his usual reprimand, michael used pliers to defang ein. in his head its the one thing ein can't rationalize about michaels actions (the one "seed of doubt" he has). he usually makes excuses for michael's actions towards him but being defanged is the only one he struggles with since he knows that michael knows how important his wolf side is to him .

pre s5 and just like at the end of s5 (when ein was seen on the bridge) he was going through another depressive episode bc he missed his ears and tail. he was mainly just going through the motions of his daily life but he was barely holding on. michael repeatedly discouraged ein from committing because the plan would be messed up because of it (michael said that directly to him) and he would imply that ein would be a traitor if he went through with it. .

michael actually flipped between discouraging and encouraging ein to commit to see what he would do. .

he's caught ein self-harming before, w ein attempting to either drown or smother himself. michael doesnt like doing this regularly but most of the time he lets ein hug him so he feels "comforted". other times michael just scolds him and tells him to not do it again. .

i also hc ein as a low empathy autistic (bc # me) and he used to stim very openly and loudly but michael disliked that part of him so he "trained" ein to not stim in public which just results in him being constantly overstimulated, a contributor to Ein being fucking mad all the time. hes like a hair trigger away from a meltdown at all times .

the only method of stimming ein can usually get away w is when he scratches his arms/scabs. unfortunately he doesn't trim his claws and it usually results in ein making himself bleed or reopening scars. michael has attempted to get him to stop doing this but its pretty much a compulsion for ein at this point.

[spiders-notagain]

Misc Headcanons

[Stuff I don't know how to make its own post]

legendary lost city buried under the sand somewhere; minecraft buried cities style

cliff cities- used to be a big fortress now just used for daily living

mostly specific monasteries

extremely good water recycling system- technology to make water out of hydrogen and oxygen in the air

if breakfasts are things that are easy to obtain then plomeek must be obtained regularly (e.g. grown throughout the year, incredibly hardy plants)

valley cities- alderaan style

shikahr historically very good land, less earthquakes and harsh conditions

large areas of the planet irradiated by radiation and theres not much they can do about it, no ones allowed to go there without special protection

some areas that are civilized have been ruined by their ancestors and are only just starting to restore its natural state

no birthdays but some places have a quincenera coming of age equivalent * sometimes in addition to the kahs-wan and taloth trials

Vulcans are pretty direct and so an acceptable form of making friends (although its really more like conversation partners) is to go up to a person and tell them that you share an interest and would like to talk about it. This is no guarantee youll ever interact again though.

Vulcan has a lot of jobs that are restricted to native citizens

Need mental contact to survive as babies the same way humans require touch

Tight knit families heralding from olden days. Almost mafia like in its web of connections. Additionally, alliances with certain clans meant status and power.

Alot of infighting between clans in the earlier days also

Similar to Ant colonies underground

Buildings have sections above and below ground

Above ground, buildings protected from sandstorms. Few windows, more doors. The less open to the elements the better.

Sehlats were tamed more recently than dogs, usually they would offer protection to the vulcans in exchange for food

Black and brown hair extremely common, genes for blond or red hair extremely rare

Early books made out of leather and a cotton-like fiber

later books made out of stone paper

Water very rare, lots of it is a sign of wealth.

Given the newness of logic, theyre not very good at it and struggle to apply it in day to day life. Additionally theyre good at lying to themselves about what emotion they may or may not have

Multiple different sects bc everyone has a different opinion on whats logical

Some are better adjusted than others because some try their absolute best to

Very preppy- high ego, strong social classes, pretentious, hide any faults, care alot about their reputation, fear being ostracized in their own community, many social rules

vulcans generally prefer to keep humans away from their sehlats because humans try to be overly affectionate with them and end up severely harmed

Vulcans get hit with winter depression even harder than other species but deal with it better. Their own ships are set up to have sun lamps all over the ship.

vulcans view mental illnesses with the same seriousness as physical ones.

not only can vulcans pass on mental disorders to their children but also strong phobias (and some philias) even those obtained through later trauma

typically mothers during pregnancy thought to occur during the mental bond

the prenatal mental bond can pass on memories as well but are typically suppressed till adulthood. its more of a folk wives tale thats corroborated enough that most people agree but technically had little proven evidence until recently

vulcans think murder by drowning is one of the worst most senseless murders ever

vulcans be like  🤓☝️well actually-

vulcan school systems dont have an above and beyond grade because the highest possible grade to get is by default you meeting the acceptable standards. that said, they do have extra awards given out for such behavior. although acceptable standards by vulcan standards is somewhat higher than is what is the case for human standards

vulcan kids still do the same 'kid logic' thing as humans because theyre trying to reason and understand the world using the logical reasoning skills being taught to them but they dont have enough information to make it accurate

Vulcan vegetables are bred to have a higher concentration of nutrients, a project that has been in development for the thousand some years since the awakening

passive cooling methods going back thousands of years; more advanced than human technologies

windcatcher like structures built to incorporate: the structure of the house, local weather, local geographical phenomena, etc.

heavily populated cities may have hybrid cooling systems that are integrated with modern technology to increase efficiency, this is less common in more rural areas where ppl are more likely to be 'if it aint broke dont fix it'. in most cases though they were so well designed that not much is needed aside from general maintenance

depending on the location, most vulcan homes are designed with the concept that a bedroom is exclusively for sleep and like wardrobe changing. you dont usually engage in hobby activities, doing those in a separate entertainment room or in the equivalent living room

like the rest of their society, vulcans incorporate more circles into their architectural designs than humans do and less squares than humans do

glass art is one of the oldest vulcan art forms. their planetary conditions work very well for it: lots of sand, high heat. and its an art that features alot of mathematically appealing shape language

ex. those curvy glass vases with the holes, floor mosaics with tinted glass, stained glass windows, suncatchers, etc.

in ancient times, betrothal jewelry (and other ceremonial purposes) were made partly with copper wire crafted from the blood of their enemies. some of these pieces (and spare wires) still exist. Vulcan clans that still practice this, obtain the blood ethically from dead animals (or in extremely rare occasions, consenting dead relatives)

STARSHIPS

Constructed so that every system is at max efficiency when used exactly perfectly how its meant to.

Its interlocking systems mean that it has millions of tiny unobtrusive glitches that can happen to the point where one can reasonably predict based on the type of glitch exactly what deeper system is failing and why

While it has normal passwords it mostly relies on each person to have their own special bioelectric pattern that is measured each time a user touches the console in order for them to input anything at all

They dont like outsiders on their ships as crew because they make tiny mistakes that while easily fixable, can mess up major systems

Sun lamps all over the ship as natural lighting, they gradually turn off according to the vulcan solar cycle and are replaced by a secondary lighting system that mimics candlelight. Although its kinda dark for humans its just fine for vulcans

Because of the size of their ships, they often have really large 'halls' that take up multiple decks and serve as visual space for the different wings connected to them

the vulcan warp rings compared to the human twin nacelles serve different attributes with the analogy being like a train versus a car. trains are faster but theyre also bulky, dont slow down well and arent designed to make quick on the spot diversions

[akimeowk]

Siren Goddess Reader Hcs

Y'all voted for this, sorry if it's bad

I don't write fanfiction often lol

Fem reader because i specified goddess and i don't think i'd be good at gender neutral

Warnings: some stalking, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of selling people, mentions of drowning

Enjoy!

Before i get into reader and freminet, i feel like some info about my ideas on sirens should be shared

Sirens come in the following three forms:

Shallow water:

These are the smallest sirens. They tend to stick near the surface and around islands, often have tanner skin. They feast on small fish and land animals. They closely resemble mermaids, except with sharp teeth to eat meat.

Open water:

These ones are longer than shallow water sirens. They swim in to deeper waters and don't go near land often. A little more blue in skin tone than shallow sirens. They swim way more than shallow sirens, so they have more fins to help them swim quickly. The fastest of the sirens, they hunt larger fish.

Deep water:

These sirens are HUGE. Because they live in the depths of the ocean, they can grow to extreme lengths. They don't often go to the surface, because of this their skin is unnatural shades of blue. They often have claws. They don't chase their prey, they evolved to swim at consistent speeds for longer distances. Their color allows them to blend in, stalking their prey silently.

Y/n is most like a Deep water siren, however she's not actually a specific kind of siren. She's technically a mix of all three.

Also some backstory

Y/n was friends with Egeria (hydro archon) before the archon war. The sirens used to all live in the dark sea, but frequent hunting caused them to seek shelter in Fontaine.

When the archon war began, Y/n knew she wasn't strong enough to become an archon. But she couldn't allow her daughters to die. So she asked for help from Egeria.

Egeria agreed to help, and sealed off a large underwater cavern so that only Y/n could allow people to enter and exit. The sirens all hid, and haven't been seen since.

But even queens surrounded by their children get lonely, so Y/n finally decided to take a trip into Fontaine.

Freminet just wanted to go for a beachside walk. He didn't expect to come back with a clingy fish lady.

How Y/n and Freminet met:

Y/n had been seen by some people in her half siren form, and they were trying to capture her to sell her. She was perfectly capable of defending herself, and was about to, but Freminet stepped in, thinking she was in danger.

Freminet had recognized her from an old fairytale.

One about hideous monsters disguised as beautiful sea women that lure sailors to their deaths. She fit the description of them, except the tail. He thought that maybe the fairytale had some truth, and that she was an endangered species, hence why he decided to help her.

In awe of how a human could care enough about a creature like her to fight his own kind, she decided "he's adorable. He's mine now."

She fully planned on keeping him in her domain, but when she picked him up and started walking away, he freaked out (he thought he was gonna be eaten), and convinced her to let him go home.

They ran into each other by "coincidence" (Y/n stalked him until the perfect time to reveal herself) later and had an actual chat. Freminet learned that no, she didn't plan on eating him. Y/n learned that it's actually morally wrong to stalk people and very creepy, along with what kidnapping is.

Human customs are so strange.

Y/n is already infatuated with him right away, but Freminet doesn't quite like her like that yet. At most its a simple "she's really interesting, i wanna get to know her better" kind of thing.

Though that starts to change as Y/n makes an effort to court him with sea related gifts and cute dates.

Also, she can carry him.

I think he'd just swoon over a lady who can literally sweep him off of his feet.

He's always trying to be strong for other people, he needs someone to be strong for him so he can lower his guard for once.

And who better than a giant sea goddess who's head over heels for him?

He'd have a wonderful time in her domain.

So many sirens... if only the looks they were giving him weren't ones of hunger and bloodlust...

At least the caverns are gorgeous.

He wouldn't be able to explore her domain on his own for a while. Too many sirens that have been deprived of their favorite food for too long.

Once they start to understand how attached their queen is to this human, they back off.

Back to Y/n being in Fontaine

Freminet (obviously) can't stay in the caverns forever. So he has to leave for long periods of time.

But without her favorite human to occupy her, Y/n quickly finds that the caverns are too boring.

The sirens are all big girls. They can handle themselves! At least until Y/n gets back.

Of course, she has to go about it differently than last time (Freminet banned her from exiting the caverns without him unless she disguised herself.) She forgot that sirens are nothing but a myth to humans now, so showing up in her semi-siren form will only attract unwanted attention.

The solution? Human form!!!

I think it'd be funny if her human form was a little bit shorter than Freminet. Amongst other sirens she's HUGE. But if she was scaled down like other sirens, nope. Below average length. Which is why her human form is on the shorter side.

The sirens find it hilarious. Y/n, not so much.

Of course we can't forget about our favorite twins (wonderful transition i know), Lyney and Lynette!

As funny as the whole iCarly smoothie scene is, i don't think they'd meet Y/n in her semi-siren form or her full siren form right away.

The house of hearth is in the middle of fontaine, Y/n is NOT sneaking past that many people.

Freminet also wanted to wait a bit before letting his siblings meet her. Y/n isn't exactly... caught up on human culture.

After a month of dating though, the twins get suspicious of all the "walks" late at night that he's been taking.

They immediately figure out he's been going on dates with someone, just haven't figured out who.

At this point, Freminet deems Y/n educated enough on modern Fontaine to only be slightly strange.

So the twins finally meet her in her human form.

But they know something is off.

It's uncanny valley for them. She looks human, acts human, talks human, but you just get that feeling that something isn't right.

Freminet doesn't seem to notice their discomfort. Or maybe he does, and he's just praying that the months worth of lessons he gave Y/n didn't go in one ear and out there other.

Lyney puts up a front. He doesn't trust Y/n one bit. But he doesn't have any reason to start a commotion. So he acts friendly and observes for now.

Lynette i think would be a bit conflicted.

She's like Lyney in the sense that she doesn't trust Y/n. However, Freminet is smiling and chatting happily with somone who isnt from the house of hearth or the traveler. He's opening up to someone without the help of his siblings.

She decides that as long as Y/n doesn't hurt Freminet, then there's no issue with her being human or not.

It's still gonna take some work for them to fully trust her.

They'd find out shortly afterwards that Y/n is a siren.

Lyney, wanting to learn more about this strange girl who just showed up one day, suggests that they follow her home.

Lynette finds it ridiculous at first, but she can't help but be curious as well.

So they follow Y/n and Freminet from a far.

I honestly don't think they'd be that surprised when they see Y/n shift into her half-siren form.

"You mean the random girl who's never been seen around fontaine before, has no records of existing EVER and has a strange fascination with trying to drown fishermen, is a siren? How shocking. :|"

Like, they're not surprised that she's not human. But the siren thing? A little shocking. Actually, Freminet spends 80% of his days in the water diving. So maybe they shouldn't be that surprised.

Y/n knew Lyney and Lynette were following them. She doesn't care. She may not be able to win in the Archon war, but she damn sure can keep two human magicians silent.

Unfortunately, now things are awkward. Lyney and Lynette know that their brother is dating a sea monster. Y/n is too smug for her own good.

Freminet is struggling. How did he get into this mess?

Whenever Freminet leaves to hang out with Y/n, Lyney tells him to "not let her eat him alive"

Most people think it's a joke. Freminet knows it's genuine advice.

--------------------------------------------------------

I think i'm running out of ideas.

Lyney and Lynette finding out that Y/n is a goddess would have to wait for another day

Feel free to request some things if you have any ideas! I think i'll only write for Freminet for now though

Thank you for reading and have a lovely day!!

[potatoesandsunshine]

hello! for the fic asks, this part from "like a wolf in the doorway":

 Percy takes a breath, looking at the inked veins and the scribbled notes in the margins, thinking of blood flow. “Oliver liked to climb trees.”

   Just saying it leaves him breathless. He can summon up the image clearly now, untainted by the dark cloud he now thinks was the demon, and it somehow hurts all the more to picture Ollie and Whitney running across the castle grounds, play-fighting in the spring air. There is no rage to catch him and put him back into motion; only a deep, aching emptiness remains.

   He drags in air, but he’s drowning.

   Pike isn’t in armor today. She moves carefully into his space—she does everything carefully—and catches his good hand in hers. Her skin is warm. When did he get so cold?

   “Thank you for telling me,” is all she says, and then she starts a long story about Grog, her great-great-grandfather, and a herd of perilously stubborn goats. By the time she reaches the punchline, he’s well enough to laugh.

   “We can do this today,” he says, looking at the parts and looking at her, a wild rush buoying him. “It’ll work, I know it.”

   And Pike, probably realizing that he’ll do it alone if she refuses, says yes.

    He comes to on the floor of the workshop with the soft golden veil of the Everlight’s power over his mind, dulling the memory—the length of soiled bandages peeled back, Pike holding his wrist down with furious strength as he tried to fit everything together, nothing to numb him and it was so, so bad, he’d shouted—it’s all fading quickly, and he doesn’t want to drag it back up. He can leave this pain here in this room. 

   His throat aches and Pike is inspecting his left hand, bending the fingers one by one to touch the smooth metal that sits where his palm used to be. There’s an empty socket there, but she doesn’t ask what he’s going to put in it.

   Percy smiles, a bright flash of teeth.

hi!!!!!!! thank you so much!!! i love talking about my fic and the tlovm oneshots project as a whole was a really fun experiment to do. i wanted to be a little more involved in the fandom as the show was coming out, and i set the ‘just try to write 1k about each episode’ bar intentionally low so that it couldn’t intimidate me. this was a pretty big success - i didn’t really manage to keep current with the release of the show, but it did keep me writing all through 2023 :) now about this passage specifically!!

“Oliver liked to climb trees.”

the older i get the sadder i get about the de rolo children. genuinely it is so so so sad.

There is no rage to catch him and put him back into motion; only a deep, aching emptiness remains.

i wanted this moment of really abrupt and painful vulnerability for percy - i feel like tlovm!percy is even worse at dealing with his emotions than campaign!percy, mostly due to the compressed nature of the adaptation - and what i want most with this character is to turn the rock over and see all of his metaphorical bugs wriggling around underneath. a huge part of this fic was me wanting to address the demon as a coping mechanism; i wanted it to feel worse to remember the good times once he could remember them clearly, because it comes with the pain of knowing he’ll never have those days again. sometimes smiling because it happened brings no comfort at all.

Pike isn’t in armor today. She moves carefully into his space—she does everything carefully—and catches his good hand in hers.

it was also a big priority for me that the characters sometimes get things wrong about each other in these oneshots! pike does not do everything carefully - but percy needs to think she does. it’s not that she’s being dishonest or anything, but he’s encountering her in an extremely specific context in this scene and he’s choosing to read that as a blanket statement about her personality. we’re pre-sunken tomb in this scene, but he’s already looking to put people on pedestals around himself; if he’s looking up, he doesn’t have to face the huge pit of grief inside. wow this fic is a downer!

“We can do this today,” he says, looking at the parts and looking at her, a wild rush buoying him.

THAT’S MY KING OF MOOD SWINGS!!!!! YOU CAN INVENT YOUR WAY OUT OF ANY TRAUMA IF YOU JUST INVENT HARD ENOUGH!

He comes to on the floor ... He can leave this pain here in this room.

it’s genuinely a minor miracle from pike that allowed this surgery to happen - a fun bit of irony, since percy really doesn’t put much stock in the divine. and i’m not being subtle in this paragraph; he can leave this pain here, but he’s carrying the rest of it with him forever. this whole pike scene is kind of... the relief of ripping off the scab if that makes sense? it might not be a good move in the long run, but at least you’ve done something with all of it in the moment.

Percy smiles, a bright flash of teeth.

this is a triumphant moment for him. i wanted to turn Diplomacy into a collaborative piece, to reflect the combo-move it was with vax later on in the show & because i love putting pike and percy in a room together. i wish it had happened more during the campaign, and i’m desperate for it in tlovm (though i don’t really expect to get it, there’s just not time). so he’s smiling, and he won, but he’s also always picking at scabs and becoming the architect of his own destruction. that’s the secret sauce for percy imo. he should always be building the next thing that ruins him, especially if that thing is himself.

[adhd-merlin]

unpopular opinion: arthur (as much as i like him as a character) was useless in terms of prophecy and liberation of the magic people. not just bc he never ended up lifting the magic ban but bc literally anyone sitting on the throne could have done that. i see no reason why it had to be arthur specifically. but the show liked to pretend like he was the only way to achieve a positive future bc the opprressed community cant simply help themselves that would be silly ig? no no they need to patiently wait that maybe one day their oppressor (whos literally continuing his fathers genocide even if less zealously) has a change of heart and they wont be hunted down like animals anymore. never mind the countless people that will have to die in the mean time. merlin can kill a bajillion people on screen and thats fine and for the greater good but if someone tries to kill One guy sitting on a fancy chair with a fancy hat suddenly thats too extreme. half the time it felt like the show was pointing to merlin as a poster child of how to act when oppressed. the fact that morgana growing bitter about uthers reign is framed as inherently bad and what directly lead to her becoming evil tm is particularly infuriating to me. the choice to create this very ya dystopian setting and then cast the oppressors as part of the main cast and the final solution is just very weird to me. i think it wouldve been objectively for the best if the magic community had overthrown arthur (or uther really but thats not really contested.. unless youre the bbc. this show is so british (derogatory))

in that vein: mordred has never done anything wrong in his entire life and that includes killing arthur

one more for the "arthur was a loser" folder

[ok but about the rest!! I have many thoughts about it. merlin as a member of an Oppressed Minority. his betrayal of his own kin. I'm putting it all under a cut bc you guys don't need to see me rambling about this and the disir again]

you make a good point — the way in which a story is framed, even the moment we choose as a "beginning", determines what characters we'll feel sympathy for, even when the facts at our disposal are the same.

I don't think the writers were trying to create any kind of deep social commentary btw. just so we're clear. merlin is the hero of the story and his mission is to keep arthur safe. we've got to root for them both.

to have a king with a hatred (fear) of magic gives us a convenient antagonist within the court. merlin having to defend the men that would have him killed for his magic is a great source of dramatic tension. it sort of follows that the people he has to fight against to defend the king/prince are other magic users, or magical threats. (it also keeps things interesting because there would be no challenge for merlin otherwise).

there isn't much of a point in exploring the motives and backstories of other characters with magic (with the exception of morgana, perhaps). They are only briefly touched upon — so these characters remain vaguely antagonistic for the most part. Neutrally aligned at best (see mordred).

We are shown that the druids are (mostly) aware of the prophecy that marks merlin/emrys as the saviour of their kind.

what I find fascinating are merlin's interactions with magic people who are either not aware of this prophecy (gilli) or have no faith in it (kara, possibly?) Because we're never given the chance or the time to see things from their perspective. To see merlin through their eyes.

When gilli says:

"It is time that someone struck a blow for the likes of you and me. And if you're too weak, then I will." (!!!)

It makes him sound like some kind of extremist, but really, when you think about it. isn't his anger kind of justified? I'm not condoning his violence, I'm just saying — it's understandable. uther has killed so many innocent people. literally drowned innocent children. and merlin's like "violence isn't the answer!" — and I can see his point!! but I can see gilli's just as well. and I find it so interesting that he's still addressing merlin as a brother ("the likes of you and me"), even when expressing disappointment in his actions and calling him weak. because they are the same. he's saying "you're deluded, and cozying up to the enemy won't save you"

this episode also contains what is (probably) my favourite dragon call. when merlin summons kilgharrah in other episodes, he's usually in the middle of some Urgent Situation. matters of life or death. there is nothing urgent here, really. yeah, it is arguably a matter of life or death, but nothing merlin couldn’t have stopped on his own. he really just called on kilgharrah to have a heart to heart with a friend — a member of his class.

("You are a creature of magic, and only a creature of magic could hope to understand.")

this episode is about merlin looking for kinship and still feeling isolated from his magic brethren. there's something tragic about the way the prophecy makes him unable to connect to some of the people who would be best placed to understand him.

and gilli plants a small seed of doubt in merlin's mind. "You've been pretending for so long now that you've actually forgotten who you are" (!!)

but kilgharrah reassures merlin that there's a golden age coming. so merlin does what he has to do — he saves uther once again. before gilli leaves, merlin reassures him that one day they will be free.

he tells mordred the same:

"It won't always be like this. One day we will live in freedom again."

and then, when he has the unique opportunity to use his influence on arthur to sway his opinion in the right direction. he fails.

he condemns himself, and the people he spoke to of freedom, to keep living in fear and in hiding — and what's even more upsetting, he does so while talking of a "just and fair kingdom"!

("You must protect the world you spent your life building, a just and fair kingdom for all." What an interesting choice of words. camelot isn't just and fair to all — as merlin knows well. he's lying to arthur, and possibly to himself.)

imagine being gilli or mordred and hearing him say that "there can be no place for magic in camelot." (!) What a slap in the face.

I've read meta suggesting that the disir were testing merlin just as much as arthur (or even more so than him). I'm inclined to believe it — I want to believe it. If anything because it makes the story all the more interesting and tragic. (I know what some are going to say — if mordred's destiny was to kill arthur, it would've happened anyway. but remember what else kilgharrah said — the future is never clear. there are many paths).

I understand why merlin did what he did, I really do. but for a moment, the fair and just kingdom he spoke of was within reach, and he failed to grasp it.

so was gilli wrong after all?

[and kara. I feel quite sympathetic towards her. we know arthur. she can't see him from our (merlin's) perspective. for her, he might as well be uther. magic people are still persecuted under camelot's law. she has spent her life on the run, she has seen people she loved be killed. and from our (arthur's) perspective, she looks like some kind of fanatic. but in reality. put yourself in her shoes. when arthur offers her a chance to save herself by "repenting" for her crime, she says she has nothing to repent for. "it is not a crime to fight for your freedom". that's the belief she's willing to die for. did she deserve to die for it?

(I also think there's an interesting parallel in merlin failing his kin in the disir, and arthur failing mordred in ep 5x11 by condemning kara to death. something about pinning all your hopes on someone who's going to fail you, and doom you both. idk idk.)]

sorry anon. you were saying

[backjustforberena]

Can you share just some headcanons you have about Rhaenys and Corlys?

Absolutely! Let's see what my brain comes up with...

Rhaenys told Corlys about her intention to arrive at their wedding on dragonback pretty much as soon as she got her grandfather's blessing that they could get married. Days before the event, Corlys presented her with a wedding present directly from him, which he gave to her in private. It was a saddle for her to use on their wedding day. Gold as hell, probably, with a heck of a lot of wealth spent on it because it was a statement as well as a gift - but he'd spent weeks secretly working with the craftsmen and the dragon-keepers to learn about the needs and the specificities of Meleys in particular. The ropes for the reins were handmade by Corlys himself (a skill picked up from his sailing). It's as close to ceremonial as a dragon's saddle can be. She loved it, and what it represented. It's kept in the halls of High Tide now, as she only used it during their wedding celebrations (which was a long and grand old time). But it did kick-start a habit of Corlys gifting her with dragon-saddles. So the one she uses on the show is from him as well.

Rhaenys basically picks their outfits when they need to coordinate. So the Velaryon entrance to the betrothal feast? All Rhaenys. She's the one who understands the politics and messaging of these things better than Corlys. He's happy to do whatever his wife says in that regard.

Rhaenys and Corlys have been separated a lot by the fact that Corlys goes to sea quite a lot. So much so that they have a routine almost. She actually wakes and breakfasts alone as Corlys gets up at the crack of dawn (the fluffy stuff happens the night before), due to his restlessness (blaming the call of the sea idk), and will head straight down to the docks to help his men. He's a bit possessive that way and likes to see it all being done. Rhaenys will not rush. As much as this is preparing him to go away, she is also preparing to rule Driftmark in his absence. She gets dressed up to the nines, always. The perfect image. The last thing he always does is to kiss her hand.

Corlys has a lot of practical skills from his voyages. When he's frustrated or annoyed at the Small Council or politics, he will go and make rope or sand something or build a boat. Sans all the finary of a lord, he's just in a shirt and trousers and boots. It's as common as he will ever look. Rhaenys finds this incredibly attractive and always knows where to find him when she knows he's in a mood. She'll sit with him, and they'll talk. He will get rid of his explosive energy and she will come up with a solution or a way forward.

Rhaenys knows the stories of the artefacts of High Tide just as well as Corlys now. He told them to her when she was courting, told them to their children, told them to visiting lords. She knows them inside out and backwards. She also knows when he embellishes them a little bit, to intimidate (especially to visiting merchants or influencers) and if she's smiling it's because she's proud not because she knows her husband is making a power play.

One of their first "dates" was Corlys taking Rhaenys out on a boat. Funnily enough, the boat could only fit two, so Rhaenys had to dismiss the guard that wanted to insist on coming with... she did joke (to the guard) that if the Lord of the Tides did want to drown her, he could have come up with a stealthier plan.

They both have pretty low opinions of knights and tourneys. Corlys actually isn't knighted, though, obviously, they are both extremely proud of Laenor when he gets knighted. Perhaps the only time they touch one another in public is when Laenor is participating in a tourney.

When it comes to the Queen That Never Was title, Corlys loves it. Rhaenys loathes it. Constantly and consistently, it is Rhaenys asking for cooler heads to prevail.

Both of them feel incredibly more at home at Driftmark than at King's Landing. But they met and courted at King's Landing whilst High Tide was being constructed at Driftmark. Midway through construction, Corlys realised that all of his plans had been slightly slanted to incorporate Rhaenys's tastes and he wanted her good opinion only. The Lady of Driftmark position that he was envisioning morphed from a corporal figure, an assumption, to simply be Rhaenys. He would have no other.

They talk a lot. At the fireplace in the Hall of Nine, at Corlys's workshop or whatever it might be, when walking along the coast, in their chambers, in their bed. About anything and everything and this was as it was from the time they met. They engage one another.

Rhaenys feels freest on Meleys's back. She feels safest in Corlys's arms. Corlys has a protective streak a mile wide when it comes to his wife and also his holding her waist or her hips will give you a good indicator of how he's feeling.

[ryttu3k]

Durge asks, After the Nautiloid edition by @plethomacademia! I've actually got this far, at least, so I can do this for Tavias. Spoilers for the whole game, including everything with Withers.

1. How does your character figure out their class/subclass? Is it different than how they were before losing their memories?

"Okay, I a) have scales and horns and b) can set stuff on fire. I'm gonna assume Draconic Bloodline Sorcerer, then." Y'know. Once he remembered what a) dragons and b) sorcerers are.

2. Does your Dark Urge use a name? Is it one they remember or do they have to adopt a new one?

His name is Tavias. It's the first thing he remembers. He doesn't remember the surname he grew up with... nor that the one he used from age eleven onwards was 'Bhaalson'. 'Tavias', though - that one, he remembers, and it's the one thing he took from his foster family to the cult and onwards.

3. How does your character handle having allies?

"omg friends 🥺" There's this deep-seated loneliness that he always suppressed pre-Nautiloid; when he wakes up, he remembers the loneliness but not why, so as soon as someone shows a teeny bit of kindness - or, like, not immediate mutual attempted murder - or maybe a little attempted murder but that's okay he's sure Astarion was just stressed - he latches on like a puppy.

4. How is Gale doing right now? What drove your Dark Urge to put him in that state?

He's doing well! Tavias helped stablise the portal and pulled him out. Currently he's enjoying swapping notes on magic with him and giving him minor existential crises by pointing out, dude, you're totally a sorcerer. What you're doing? That's sorcery, because you're a sorcerer. They're close friends. Gale has an unrequited crush on Tavias, who's picked up on it and feels guilty about it, but also ensures he tells Gale that he really values their friendship.

5. How does your Dark Urge react to their urges in general? Are there specific urges that they have a strong reaction to?

They goddamn terrify him. He doesn't even want to acknowledge them - he'll have the reaction then immediately start yelling "ABSOLUTELY NOT" to them in his brain to try and drown them out. He's most horrified by urges to harm children or animals, so he was quite grateful when Gale talked to the squirrel in the Grove, because it meant the onus wasn't on him to respond, and was able to suppress his urge to get Arabella to try and - futilely - run.

He feels a lot of guilt about them, which has manifested in heroics to the point of recklessness, even if it'll cause him harm. He's borderline suicidal, although not necessarily consciously - it's more like he thinks that if he dies, well, that may not be such a bad thing.

6. The one urge you cannot avoid in the game is killing Alfira. Does that event have a particular impact on your character or do they take it in stride?

Traumatic as hell. He reacted extremely poorly and has pretty much been spending most of the game since then in a state of terror. It's been particularly bad since meeting Isobel a day or two ago (playtime-wise) and is going to be even worse when Sceleritas tells him to kill Astarion.

7. Does your character try to confide in any of their allies about their urges? Which ones?

He didn't until Alfira's death, and then he sort of… admitted that he has violent thoughts, that he's been trying his hardest to suppress them, and he doesn't know why that failed with Alfira but he genuinely wasn't cognizant of his actions and to maybe. Be careful around him :(

8. Are there any points in the game that you see as branching points for your dark urge? For example, are they torn between goblins/tieflings? Or are they clearly on one path or another?

He's sticking as closely as he can to Neutral Good (he's not quite Lawful). So like, he might have had vivid and satisfying images of the tieflings being massacred, but would immediately go, "ABSOLUTELY NOT" and work against them. Generally, it'd go 'violent imagery' -> 'immediate positive emotional response' -> 'active denial' -> 'deliberately work against violent image'.

9. What's the general vibe of your Dark Urge outside of their urges? If someone didn't know about their urges, what would they think of your character?

Sweet dragon boy sorcerer. He tries to be pleasant, helpful, and, well, sweet as much as he can be, which is why the images disturb him so much. He wants very much to be liked. He wants to be normal. Or, well, as normal as a golden-eyed, golden-scaled, horned dragon-blooded sorcerer who can set things on fire with his mind can be.

10. How does the appearance of Sceleratis influence your Dark Urge? Do they feel better knowing that something might explain what's happening or does it make it worse?

He knows that Something Fucky is going on now, has no idea what it is, and is scared shitless of what it might be. He doesn't suspect the actual truth, but I feel as soon as he hears the name 'Bhaal' he's going to start remembering, and be simultaneously relieved to know why he has the urges, but also terrified that he may not be able to escape them. When he does learn, he's going to ask Jaheira for advice, which I think would help a lot, and Withers Doing The Thing is going to be... literally life-changing/life-saving.

(Ultimately, he's going to end up as Jergal's Chosen, working to eliminate all traces of the Dead Three from Faerûn along with Astarion, who Withers resurrected as a mortal elf, then made immortal again via being one of his Chosen as well. This was Tavias' one big condition to agreeing to be Jergal's Chosen - that Astarion could, too.)

[rewritingtrauma]

Toxic Shame

***Trigger Warnings***

It's like a gross, oily monster who lives in and on you - translating every word and interaction into something darker, more sinister, undermining of your self hood. At night, as you drift off to sleep, the monster drops filthy, oozing piles of the stuff from the ceiling - spattering your pillow with unpleasant moments from your past, words spoken or written, now embalmed in the suffocating slime of it. It ties you up in oily knots, prevents you from leaving the house. It turns small things into world-ending events, it sucks you in to the bog of eternal stench, it haunts your dreams, nightmares, waking world. It tells you it knows you, it sees right inside you: it knows that you aren't good enough, that you don't deserve anything, that you will never amount to anything. It is quick to tell you how you don't measure up to your peers, to expectations, to standard. Sometimes, it wells up and bursts forth like a geyser: You may be doing something banal and everyday like taking a shower or putting away the laundry when suddenly it's choking you, bursting out of your mouth, filling your vision with oily darkness. My partner has learnt to identify those moments when shame spontaneously explodes "out of nowhere you squeak or make little animal sounds" he tells me. It's the sounds of a small person, a child or an animal, drowning in it.

Toxic shame is a consequence of the damage done to our perception by early trauma, often and specifically, by shame itself: either direct, indirect (shame by proxy), or through neglect. Toxic shame colors everything - it effects how we see and understand ourselves, other people, the world, reality. It is a big factor in what leads many survivors of childhood trauma to substance abuse, OCD, eating disorders, poverty, self harm, and suicide. For me, shame has been the biggest factor in all of this, and so much more.

The Clinical Social Worker and Childhood Trauma specialist Patrick Teahan describes shame as existing on a spectrum, where healthy shame exists in the middle; a useful, natural, and reasonable response to our making mistakes; while too much (toxic) shame hovers at one end of the spectrum; and too little (or no) shame at the opposite end. Often people who experience toxic shame had a parent(s), or caregiver(s) who had unhealthy relationships with shame themselves - expressing/experiencing too much, too little, or oscillating between extremes. Unfortunately, apart from in the very rare instance where those parent(s) or caregiver(s) were willing and able to undertake extensive therapy (or family therapy), this unhealthy manifestation of, and reactions to, shame remain unaddressed and pass on to their children, effecting not only the child's development but usually continuing in to their adult lives. In learning how to rewrite my own trauma, and to heal not only the mental, emotional, and social wounds but also the physical/nervous system damage I am experiencing through Chronic Health conditions, I have come to realize that I have some big and extensive work to do with the shame monster...

What follows here is my "Homework" which Patrick Teahan sets in part two of this video series: he basically invites you to give examples of where the three types of shame (direct, indirect and by neglect) manifested in your childhood, then to write about how one of these would have been different with a healthy parent, and lastly, to write about how this type of shame effects your beliefs and reactions now. I don't expect you to keep reading, in fact this in itself is a big shame trigger but a part of me senses it is important, too, as this is the work of rewriting trauma, of rewriting shame not as us, as reality but as a consequence of harms done to us. Hopefully, in doing this work (and by "this work" I don't just mean this piece of homework, but all of it) we can take ownership of our healing and rewriting our futures. If any of this resonates, I invite you to watch the videos and consider trying your own homework, too.

Here if you want to talk.

With love and solidarity,

Iris x

Patrick Teahan's Shame Homework - 09.10.23

Direct Shame

Write in detail (3 to 4 examples) where you were directly shamed and/or blamed by your parents unfairly (remember that kids need guidance from birth to age 20/21 to establish healthy experiences of shame).

Most days from around the age of 9 or 10 and every day from the age of 16 my dad used to tell me that I was "fat", "stupid", "a waste of space", and/or "deserved to die". He would always do this when we were alone - either when I had just got back from school or, from age 16, when I was in the car with him as he picked me up from college. It was often accompanied by him shouting/screaming, drinking and smoking weed, often terrifying/terrorising me with the threat of death (to the point that I started to wish for it/will it to happen to end the suffering and protect my mum and sister from him). On one particular instance, I think I was 17 but maybe 16, he drove us a long way off the route home - 10's of miles out of Cumbria and into the Scottish Borders - to an unfamiliar pine forest. He started driving very slowly then, scanning the forest. He didn't say anything but I knew what he meant and believed he was planning on killing me and finding a spot to dispose of my body. Something similar happened to me a couple of years later when I was living in Derry (aged 19) and a taxi driver who had picked me up from my job at Altnagelvin Hospital drove me right out into the countryside beyond Derry (miles and miles out of the way). The driver didn't say anything, but his message was the same - as an English person in Derry, I deserved to die.

After our dad left, and while I was briefly living back at the house we grew up in with my mum, she used to work herself up into a furore every morning before she drove us to work and college: she wouldn't be able to find her keys or glasses and would blame me, every time. It became like a horrible ritual. She would never apologise after finding her belongings and the implication was always the same - it was my fault.

Whilst this became a joke between my sister and me as young adults, it was really painful as a child because I was the scape goat for almost everything that went awry or went missing in our house. One specific time which stands out to me is when I was about 15 my mum had made some sloe gin and it all got drunk. She immediately blamed me and so did my dad, metering out the punishment . I swore blind I hadn't taken it but no one believed me and it was brought up, frequently, as a reason to shame me/make me do things - to atone for my guilt in this theft. Years later, someone (an adult neighbour) told my mum that my dad had brought the gin to a party at their house and they had all drunk it. My mum never apologised. My dad (no surprises) never apologised. The neighbour (no surprises) never apologised.

When my sister was 3 and I was 5 our mum fell down the stairs and shattered her leg. We were sent away to our grandparents for a fortnight after. When we came home, we were at home with our mum and expected to do a lot of things around the house. One day, the library van came to the village and our mum asked us to get her "four or five books to read". I don't know what informed our decisions - probably a combination of what the covers looked like and whether we could reach the books on the shelves or not but we proudly came back to her with our selection. When she saw the books she was furious and screamed and shouted at us for being so stupid. We didn't know what we had done wrong but the pain of that still sits like a hot stone on my chest.

When my sister and I were very young (from as early as I can remember until my early teens) our family was incredibly poor and always struggling with money. It meant there was a real emphasis on the value of the things that we did have or were given. One Christmas, aged either 7 or 8, I was given an automatic camera. It was a joint gift from my grandparents and parents. I was so pleased and I loved the camera but I was constantly being told off for the pictures I took (mainly of toys, animals, nature) and what a waste of money it was. Once, when we were on holiday, I accidentally left the camera in a public toilet and my dad went ballistic at me in public. Thankfully, we were surrounded by lovely strangers who helped me get back to the toilets and retrieve my camera.

Write out how one of these situations would have gone down differently with a healthy parent

With a healthy parent, they would have picked me up from college, asked me how my day was, shown some curiosity about what I had done or learned, maybe even asked to see/read what I was working on. They may have had gentle affirmations to make for the things I was learning, the books I was reading, how hard I was working. They might have told me about their days, or made plans for the weekend. With a healthy parent, those car journeys could have been a positive ritual, an affirming time, a time of building relationships and getting to know one another. It might have been a chance to share dreams/hopes/thoughts or even just silence. Perhaps they could have even been an opportunity to offer support and advice with the tricky stuff of teenage relationships and figuring out who you are in the world/what you want to do with your life.

How does being directly shamed and blamed in childhood effect you shame beliefs and reactions now?

I always feel I am wrong, that I am a failure, that I cannot amount to anything. I feel like the whole world looks at me and judges me critically. I feel like I don't know who I am - that the thin sense of myself and the evidence contradict one another: people (not just my parents) so often tell me (according to my shame) that I am worthless, stupid, unworthy of love, opportunities, attention. I find it hard to do anything because I start out on a project and see the errors, the faults, don't believe I can finish/do it, and so I don't. It was stupid to imagine I ever could. I am stuck in a perpetual freeze. When I hear criticism, it feels like the world is ending. When a partner or friend pulls away, goes cold or silent, I feel like I am the most abhorant thing in the world. My shame is out of control. Often, especially at times when I am physically incapacitated, it runs the show. I have often had a tendency to burn bridges because red flags are not merely signs of danger they are danger - because of the cascade of shame which is to follow. I feel ugly to the point of wanting to cover myself up entirely. I feel guilty to the extent that I would sometimes rather die than live - because it makes no sense for someone as pointless as me to exist in the world, using resources that would be better left. I have gone through a long list of jobs and quit almost all of them because either I feel like I can't do them well or because the people in charge have some sinister motivations to their behaviour. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. Almost as soon as I meet a new 'crew' I drop out of it (usually slamming the door behind me) because I come into conflict with their opinions of me (or their perceived opinions of me). I can't bear to be in the same room as a lot of middle class people (and most artists are middle class) because of the echoes of shame I feel about being poor, poorly turned out, because I don't speak their language, because I can't afford new clothes, new shoes, or a haircut. I don't go to events, or accept opportunities because I am ashamed of all of this and more.

Indirect Shame

Write in detail (3 to 4 examples) when indirect shame (shame by proxy) came up for you

Our dad's unpredictable behaviour, rages and drinking/smoking meant that our house was not a place we could invite friends to. I felt a lot of shame on the occasions when friends did come: two times in particular stand out: once at my sisters birthday party (I think it was maybe her 5th birthday?) when our dad appeared in a gorilla suit and scared all the children to tears, another time, when in front of my friend Rose-Ellen he dragged me through the house by my hair. Basically, by age 12, I couldn't invite friends to our house at all. When my sister invited her friends over I always felt incredibly embarrassed.

In contrast, it was always a massive source of shame when I (on the very rare occasion) went to other kids' houses and they were really nice, well fed, and looked after by their parents. The shame in not having money, food, nice things, safety, live, and stability.

Our mum used to make a lot of comparative assesments between my sister and me - kind of creating identities for us according to what we "could" and "could not" do, by what we were "good" at and "not good" at. For instance, growing up my sister was the one who was "good" at dance, performance, and socializing (which I wasn't) while I was "good" at school and drawing. It wasn't until my mid twenties that I ever danced and it wasn't until her mid twenties that my sister really understood her talents in academia and creativity.

Our dad was a drug dealer and often dealt to kids our age at school. There was a lot of shame in being tied up with this element of chaos but also the way our dad was (directly and indirectly) interfering with our lives and social landscapes. So many of our relationships with our peers were not our own - they were colored, conditioned, or influenced by our dad.

Rewrite the biggest of the shame by proxy instances as it would have been like with a healthy parent

With healthy parents, our home would have been a place we could have invited friends to visit and stay. Even if we were poor, it still could have been a place where we could be ourselves and let friends get to know us a little. My sister and I would have had a better relationship because we were not living under such tyranny and shame. Home would have been a place of safety, growth, play, and connection. With healthy parents, I may not have been so isolated - I may have made some lasting friendships, or have learned the healthy ebb and flow of relationships. With healthy parents I would not have lived with dread every day, sleeplessness many nights, and anxiety the rest of the time. If our home had been a stable place I would not have acted out in many of the ways I did: I would not have been so inclined to drink and take drugs to intoxication at an early age, I would have been less likely to engage in behaviours like self harm; I may have been more trusting of people and able to form positive, open relationships. I may have looked forward to going home, rather than dreaded it. With healthy parents, I would have made better decisions about my future living situations and the people I share my space with.

How does shame by proxy still effect your beliefs or shame responses now?

I am incredibly ashamed of my own home: when I am well, I cannot have people stay unless it is tidied and cleaned to the nth degree (which it rarely is) and at the moment, because I cannot do this work, I simply don't have people come and visit. I feel gross and ashamed of the damp, the bad carpets, the shit curtains, the peeling wallpaper. I never invite people over for dinner, even though Josh and I are great cooks and always make enough to feed a family, because I feel too ashamed of our mess and clutter and the lack of a dinner service (it's made up of lots of second hand and inherited bits and bobs). I hate it when people turn up unannounced and when delivery people need to put things in the house (rather than leave them outside) - it makes me feel like I'm naked. I feel constantly exhausted and overwhelmed by the house and garden, which further effects my stress and energy levels (which are poor with the Long Covid/CFS).

Shame by Neglect

Examples of shame by neglect might be setting impossible expectations for a child, parents not wanting to be bothered or a substance abusing parent.

Reflect on how shame by neglect came up for you, give 3 or 4 specific examples. What was the truth about those situations? Were you terrible at X, Y, Z, or did you have no healthy parental guidance to help you though those things?

As a child and young person, sex and sexuality in our family were such a taboo that I experienced a lot of shame and shaming around these things. I started engaging in sexual activities at a really young age (14) because I had literally no guidance or a safe person to tell me about these things. When my mum accidentally found out that I was having sex at 15, she didn't speak to me about it but passed on the information to my dad who then used it as material to bribe/shame/coerce me. At the same time, there were a lot of shady sexual things going on with my dad but I didn't have the tools/insights/understanding/or even a safe person to contrast these behaviours to (let alone speak to).

I used to go out clubbing from age 15 but couldn't afford the taxi fare home so would often walk the 18 miles home at night on my own. It was a dangerous thing to do and there were several occassions where I put myself at risk, either by other people, the weather, and/or exposure. On several occassions I slept on benches or in train stations. On one occassion I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted. If my parents had known any of this they would have said it was me "being bad" or "misbehaving".

When I was 16 I left school and went to art college instead. Because of where we lived and the inaccessibility of the only bus, I had to get lifts home with my dad. He would often forget me and leave me stranded in Carlisle with no way to get home. On the times when he would eventually remember and come and get me, he would be furious and blame me. Sometimes I would be able to get a bus home or a friend to stay with but, being early in the mobile phone days, often had to try and remember where people lived and just knock on their doors or set off walking and hope for the best.

When I was doing my G.C.S.E.s my parents decided to convert the old stairs to the attic into a safer, proper set of stairs. This meant cutting my bedroom in half to put in a staircase. I spent my G.C.S.E revision weeks and months in a neighbours house, just going home to eat, make tea, and sleep under dust sheets. My parents even took the money that I had earned and saved in my weekend waitressing job (which I was saving for university) to pay for some of the work. My dad called it pay back for board and food.

Pick one of those examples and rewrite how it would have gone down with a healthy parent

With healthy parents, I would have received guidance on love, sex, and sexuality. I would not have been shamed for my own sexuality and would have had models, means and examples by which to understand what positive, healthy, and safe sex and sexuality can look like. I might have been more in touch with my own sexuality, to be empowered rather than frozen, and been better able to accept the person I was, and am today. With healthy parents offering good guidance, I may have enjoyed life and relationships better. I may have even had safer, more expansive relationships, have experienced less abuse and sexual trauma. When they knew I was engaging in sexual activity at an early age, healthy parents would have stepped in. They would have intervened. Healthy parents would have talked to me about it or, if they felt they could not, they could have found someone else who could talk to me about it (a doctor, therapist, mentor, or psychologist, for example).

How does being neglected in childhood effect your shame beliefs in the present? e.g. self-blame, craving attention but believing you don't deserve it...

I blame myself for literally everything. When meeting her for the first time, my partners' and my couples therapist said "You apologize a lot for your existence, don't you?" which made me cry because she hit the nail on the head.

Being neglected in childhood has meant, even today, I feel a lot of shame around my sexuality, my lack of sexuality, the shape, color and flavor of my sexuality, mostly while I know in an intellectual way what my sexuality is and needs, I feel utterly cut off from it. It's like there's a whole massive piece of me that's attached but dead because it was cut off at the roots. I feel jealous when people express their sexuality and sexual identities with pride, and then I feel guilt and shame for my jealousy.

...There it is. I think I've run out of steam. That was some big homework... Time to get outside and blow away some of the shame feels...

[staringdownabarrel]

You know, thinking back on the Riftwar cycle, one of the surprising things is how few children most people have. This is a slightly niche thing that most people who see this probably won't be super interested in, so the rest is under the cut.

Much like in the modern day, it seems like most people in Midkemia are perfectly fine with stopping after two or three kids. This is true of the nobility like most of the characters, but it's also true of the rank and file citizens of the Kingdom.

In the Serpentwar Saga specifically, Roo was an only child, and Erik effectively was despite having noble half-brothers. Later on in the Conclave of Shadows trilogy, I believe Talon had been an only child as well, and I forget if he ever had more than one child. None of these examples are ever commented on as being particularly remarkable.

This is quite a contrast to how things work in real life. I mean, in real life, the fertility rate has generally been decreasing over time. Here in Australia, the fertility rate in 1800 was something like 6.5, but now it's below replacement levels, and this is hardly a rarity in the developed world. In a world like Midkemia which is very loosely based on medieval Europe, you would expect smaller families with 1-3 children to be the rarity rather than the exception.

The other surprising thing is that this seems to be true across the board. It's true in fairly peaceful parts of the Kingdom, and it's also true in more dangerous areas where family members could potentially be conscripted or die in a cross-border raid. While this is never explicitly stated, it's certainly implied by the fact that when main characters from other parts of the Kingdom are heading through the Vale of Dreams where this sort of thing really is common, they aren't struck by how much larger families in this part of the world are.

From this, we can draw three conclusions. The first is that infant mortality is likely to be very low, to the point where it'd probably be comparable to what it is today in the real world, only without the benefits of our modern medicines.

The second is that industrial accidents must also be extremely rare. This generally tracks with how there generally aren't characters who are introduced with disfigurements they got from working the fields or anything like that. Usually, if someone's disfigured, it's a combat related injury. Nobody's ever mentioned to have lost a parent to an industrial accident, either.

This contrasts sharply with what happened in the real world. If you were a European peasant in the fourteenth or fifteenth centuries and you survived early childhood, the next most likely reasons you'd die are either giving birth (if you were a woman/were female presenting), from a work accident in the fields, or drowning.

So while the average Midkemian doesn't seem to have access to anything resembling modern medicine and rarely has access to a wizard who can fill the gap, they're still less likely to die young anyway. This probably means that either safety precautions in manual labour are more common, that the average piece of farm equipment is safer to use, or some combination of the two.

The third is that major wars really are a rarity. That's explicitly the case anyway, given how delicate the balance of power is and how everyone goes out of their way to avoid upsetting it too much, and given how major wars are talked about when they do happen. Even in the Chaoswar trilogy when Kesh actually did try to do that, it was only under duress, and the common reaction to what was actually a fairly well thought out invasion route was, "They wouldn't actually do that, would they?"

Besides the fact that major wars seem to only ever be started by otherworldly powers, it also seems like the low-level conflicts really are low level conflicts. Beyond the disputed border between the Kingdom of the Isles and the Empire of Kesh, there's also the regular/semi-regular goblin raids against the fortifications along the Teeth of the World, and before the start of Magician, the threat of the Dark Brotherhood in the Green Heart. All of these are probably low level to the point that combined, it'd be a particularly deadly year if their combined deaths hit the triple digits.

The fourth conclusion I'd draw from this is that famine is rarer, too. There's only one famine known to have occurred on Midkemia (in the Far Coast province during the Serpentwar saga), and it was a big enough event that the powers that be were trying to keep it quiet. The stated reason was that they didn't want to cause panic.

Given that this is the same approach they took to the ongoing war preparations for an upcoming major invasion and that wars on that kind of scale are a rarity, then it could be taken to mean that famines are a rarity, too.

I think this is on shakier grounds, though. This is something I want to get into separately in a different post, but I think there might be some other mitigating factors as to why famine seems to be such a rare thing in these books. The very short reason is that I think the urbanised population of Midkemia is probably a smaller percentage than what the urbanised population in Europe in the Middle Ages was, so chances are there was more of a chance to stockpile grain. Maybe famine was more common but the effects were more easily mitigated.

When I read A Kingdom Besieged, one of the things that sorta got me going from a world building perspective was that Crydee's population was mentioned to have only risen around 10% from the time of the Riftwar. This struck me as odd because the thing is that given the only major disasters that directly impacted Crydee in that 100 or 120 year period seem to have been the Riftwar itself and the famine fifty-ish years later.

However, now I think a lot of it can be explained by two things. One is a particularly high death rate from the war and the famine, and the other is a fairly slow birth rate. I think it needed to be both, and there is some tenuous canonical evidence to suggest the average family size probably was quite low throughout the series.

The one big trouble with all of this is that it also seems like the population of the Western Realm can jump back fairly easily despite a low birth rate and the occasional major war that lowers the population. I think the mitigating factor here is that three of the major wars detailed over the course of the saga were followed by fairly large migration waves: thousands of Tsurani settled around Yabon after the Riftwar, a large chunk of the Emerald Queen's army likely settled around Krondor after the Serpentwar, and a large number of Keshians around Crydee after the Chaoswar.

I think over the long term, the population effects of these migration patterns probably did spread out. The general pattern of migration in the Kingdom seems to be people heading out further west, so chances are there probably were other people who got sick of living in the Eastern Realm for whatever reason who decided to fuck off out west.

So while it would seem like the Kingdom's overall population should be on a decline, those migration waves were probably enough to at least keep at an overall static level. This is oddly true to life, because migration really is the thing keeping the population of most developed countries rising.

The thing with that is that if you take a broader view of that, it probably would require that the Eastern Realm to have a higher birth rate. It is known that the East traditionally does have a higher population than the Western Realm. There isn't really enough canonical evidence to say whether or not this is still true in the period the Riftwar cycle takes place in, but it probably was true in the period just before it.

Beyond just raw imperial ambition, this actually could have been a factor in why the Kingdom expanded westward to begin with. There could have been a view that the extra population would eventually need somewhere else to live, even though the East was still extremely empty. Having to massively increase the size of the country seems like an excessive move for that, but it could be explained by being a cultural hangover of a country that was initially limited to one island.

My gut feeling is that while there probably was a point in time when the population of the Eastern Realm was rapidly increasing, that probably wasn't as much the case once the Riftwar cycle started. Some of that was probably just because a huge chunk of the population had already moved westward, but I think it would have been changed cultural concerns, too. While in the period before the expansion westward, the implicit cultural concern would have been making sure there was enough people to defend the country if the Keshians invaded, afterwards that didn't matter because the vast size of the Kingdom and the ongoing issues in the Keshian Confederacy was the defense.

Still, the core thing that started this--how few children people on Midkemia seem to have--is something I wonder if Feist ever actively thought about when he was writing the books. I get the impression he was mostly trying to write about a country that was, on the whole, the nicest possible country you could live in in this sort of setting, and the way he did that was to carry a lot of modern/then-modern American cultural and legal norms over to the Kingdom--they have the fantasy versions of the First and Thirteenth amendments at the very least, for example.

The thing with this though is that this sorta requires the Kingdom to have gone through a very different cultural evolution. Because the birth rate resembles a modern industrialised country's (or at least attempts to), it means there was very little disease, very little war outside of the occasional blowout, and less religious pressure to go forth and multiply. Because there were elements of what we'd recognise to be democratic freedoms but apparently no real civil rights movement outside of that for even further reforms, there probably was an almost unnaturally complacent population Kingdom-wide.

Stuff like this really does make me wonder how much of this Feist planned outside of the overall main plot of the cycle and how much of it really did just work out that way. I'd like to think most of it was planned to be picked up on at least in passing, however I suspect that once you get out of the broad strokes of the story arc, it probably is mostly just how things turned out with the series.

[fazscare87]

Fazbear World: Remnant (4/?)

What is, Remnant?...

William, at first wasn’t quite sure what Remnant was or what it did to his body, he tried to research it, but he couldn’t find anything on it, and he of course wasn’t going to ask or tell anyone about it of course, so, he decided to make his own research. He found that Remnant is connected to the human soul. It can either be seen as a wisp-like shape, or a liquid, but most of the time it was seen as a wisp/orb-like shape. Remnant, like the soul, is invisible to the human eye, but not to William. Not only can he perfectly see it, but he can also interact with it, or more specifically, take them. While others that were born on the same day as William when the eclipse happened, they could see them too when someone died, but rarely went towards it, let alone kill someone or go towards their corpse to get it, and after some time they’d lose the ability to see the Remnant, but William never did. William learned over time that it’d give him miraculous abilities. He could inherit someone’s lifespan and it’d add to his, extending his life. He particularly found that remnant from children was the best result for him, mainly because a child had so long to live. It could grant him a heightened intelligence, though he’d only use it when he was planning things out, as he already saw himself as intelligent. Still, it did help him create outstanding things. Things that would be considered “futuristic” at the time and even today, one of them being an “Illusion Disk”, a small device that can alter the appearance of whatever it was attached to. There were a few more side effects of the remnant in William’s body, like enhanced strength, not superhuman strength or anything like that mind you, but still pretty strong despite his appearance, enhanced durability, and enhanced eyesight and hearing. But William’s favorite side-effect of Remnant was its rapid healing ability, able to heal him of any injury, no matter how severe or “fatal” it was, and as stated, it healed fast, cut himself? The scar is gone and healed in an instant, broke a bone? It’ll reconstruct itself quickly and the pain will heal in about a week with no aid whatsoever, cut off a finger? It’ll just reattach itself like nothing. He also realized it granted him near “immortality”, meaning even if someone was to shoot him in the head or stab him in the heart he won’t die, albeit if the wound is deep or severe enough it’ll leave scars behind. On top of being able to see remnants, William also had the ability to see and hear ghosts/souls, mediumship in a way. None of them could physically interact with each other of course, but he could still hear and see them, William considered it more of a nuisance than anything since if it was the ghost of a victim they might nag him or linger around him. At first he was distraught and even disturbed by this especially since he was the only one that could see and hear them, but after some time, he found their presence to be very irritating, he eventually found a way to drown them out and stop seeing them altogether, other than that William saw no other setbacks to the remnant. But there was one thing that could kill him, fire.

Fire and extreme heat weaken Remnant, causing it to rapidly lose its effect, this would actually kill William no matter how much Remnant he has in him. Here’s how it works, Remnant is sensitive to heat, and essentially “evaporates” from the body, no matter how much Remnant someone has inside them, it won't save them. Now, the Remnant can still be "saved" within a person if they keep moving or able to put themselves out, but if the host is burning to death, the Remnant will boil and "disintegrate" away from within the body, and if anything it makes it hurt even worse due to its reaction and with it keeping you alive for just a few moments longer. It still heal a burn wound depending on the severity, 1st-degree burns, the remnant can heal with no problem. 2nd Degree burns might take a bit, and it actually hurts to heal unlike any other wound, but it'll still do its job fairly well. 3rd-degree burns, depending on how serious it is, the Remnant would struggle to heal the burn, it might be healed and fully functional but it could be left disfigured and leave permeant scars the remnant can never heal, and just like 2nd-degree burns, it will hurt to heal, but the pain could be even more severe. 4th degree burns, there is nothing the Remnant can do. This is because if an area is badly burned, it actually prevents the Remnant from getting the entirely since it's almost like cauterizing. In fact, normally with a severed limb, the Remnant will reattach the limb from the blood, and reconnect the flesh, muscle, bone and all, making it fully functional. But if you were to lose a limb and the wound was fully cauterized before the remnant could heal it, that limb is permanently lost and can never be recovered, even if you got desperate and made an incision, the remnant can't help. With this knowledge, William gained a fear of 2 things ever since. Fire, though it should be noted he’s fine around fireplaces and bonfires, but a bit careful around bonfires, The other fear, was going to Hell because knew he was going straight there when he died, and there wasn’t a thing he could do to save himself, he already damned himself. It should be noted that each time he used the remnant/its powers, some of it faded, over time he’d slowly lose the remnant, or when he used it, dying especially takes a huge portion of Remnant. It should that there aren’t any withdrawal like syndromes from a Lack of Remnant of William feels low on it, there was no voices telling him to kill anyone, and no mental illnesses, William was fully aware of his actions, the consequences, and how it affected others around him, he knew that he never had to take this path, and knew he’d burn in Hell if he ever died. He did it all anyway, with no remorse or intentions to change whatsoever, not because he knew there was no going back, he did it just for the Hell of it, not to mention his sadistic enjoyment.

[tallmantall]

#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHealth – What Are The Different Kinds Of #Anxiety?

And how do they affect #children? Writer: Rachel Ehmke Clinical Expert: Dave Anderson, PhD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VES1qzNbkc&t=2s - #Socialanxietydisorder - #Selectivemutism - #Generalizedanxietydisorder - #Panicdisorder - #Obsessivecompulsivedisorder - #Specificphobia We all feel anxious sometimes, but some #children experience #anxiety that is so serious that it can be diagnosed as a disorder. A #child may have an #anxietydisorder if their #anxiety is: - Unrealistic - Doesn’t go away - Makes them start avoiding everyday things #James Donaldson notes:Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticleOrder your copy of James Donaldson's latest book,#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy   www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Here are some different kinds of #anxiety that #children may be diagnosed with. #Separationanxietydisorder #Children with #separationanxiety become extremely upset when they are separated from their caregivers. The distress that they feel is unusual for their age. Some signs include: - Worrying about #parents getting sick or dying - Worrying about getting lost or kidnapped - Not wanting to go to #school #Socialanxietydisorder #Children with #socialanxietydisorder are very self-conscious. They can find it difficult to hang out with peers or participate in class. Some signs include: - Avoiding social situations - Feeling panicky during social situations. Older kids may shake, sweat, or be short of breath. Younger #kids may have tantrums or cry. - Worrying people will judge them for being anxious #Selectivemutism #Children with #selectivemutism have a hard time speaking in some places, like at #school. Their #anxiety goes beyond typical shyness. Kids with SM can’t speak even when they badly want to. Some signs include: - Feeling “frozen” with #anxiety and unable to speak - Being able to speak in some places but not others (like #school or around certain people) #Generalizedanxietydisorder #Children with #generalizedanxietydisorder (#GAD) worry about lots of everyday things. #Kids with GAD are often particularly worried about how they are doing in #school. Some signs include: - Being a perfectionist - Feeling “out of control” #anxiety about many different things - Having trouble sleeping #Panicdisorder #Children with #panicdisorder have a history of panic attacks. Panic attacks are a scary and very sudden surge of symptoms that can make #kids worry they are dying or “going crazy.” Some signs include: - Racing heart - Sweating - Shaking - Dizziness - Shortness of breath - Nausea #Obsessivecompulsivedisorder #Children with #OCD experience unwanted thoughts, worries or impulses called obsessions. They often also develop repetitive actions — called compulsions — to calm the #anxiety caused by their obsessions. Some signs include: - Fear of doing something “bad” - Repeatedly asking for reassurance - Repeatedly washing hands or making things even Specific #phobia #Children with specific #phobia have extreme fears about a particular thing. These things aren’t typically considered dangerous but seem very scary to the #child. There are five common kinds: - The animal type, or avoiding animals and bugs - The natural environment type, or avoiding things like storms, heights or water - The blood-injection-injury type, or avoiding things like seeing blood or getting a shot - The situational type, or avoiding things like flying, tunnels and bridges - The other type, or avoiding things like loud sounds, choking, vomiting and costumed characters Read the full article

[marypsue]

Listen, normally I am not about 2edgy theories about cartoons meant for children, but the facts of OTGW are this:

It's explicitly stated in the text that the whole thing takes place after the protagonists fall down a very steep hill, onto train tracks, almost get struck by a train, and end up drowning in deep water.

All the scenes that take place in the Unknown, which, again, is a place explicitly stated to be outside of life and at least on the border with death and dreaming, have a soft-focus blur all around the edges of the frame.

This blur is not present during the single flashback episode where we get the story of how Wirt and Greg found themselves in the Unknown in the first place. That episode takes place entirely in the 'real', living world.

This blur, however, is present in the final episode, after Wirt and Greg supposedly 'wake up' back in 'the real world'. It doesn't go away.

The show also ends with a scene of the woodsman's daughter alive and well, though she is explicitly stated earlier in the text to be dead and lost forever.

The show is bookended with the lyrics "the loveliest lies of all" and "if dreams can't come true, then why not pretend?". The implication being that at least some of what we've seen on the screen is a fabrication, which is most likely just a meta callout meant to disquiet the viewer. 

But if that's the case, it's interesting that it refers specifically to "the loveliest lies", when so much of what happens in the show is Extremely Upsetting -

Except the ending.

Like, I don't want to be the one to say it, but...whether Wirt and Greg actually survived that Halloween is at the very least not certain, in my mind.

[astrologgeek]

⚠️ I do not give any permission to anyone reading this post to re-post my content nor plagiarize it. This content belongs to me and myself only @astrologgeek ⚠️

My ✨astro✨ notes

Part 1.

This is my first post on tumblr, I've been learning astrology for over a year now - and I have finally succeeded and wrote my own personal astrology notes! ⚠️these are my own personal observations and notes, which means that whatever I'm saying here isn't 100% astrology accurate & approved by any professional astrologer⚠️ hope you enjoy I guess <3 (BTW: if anyone wants to repost or anything pls tag me, and don't steal pls!! I've worked so hard on these.)

• Taurus risings have 2 types of luaghter: crying-like laugh because of their 3rd house cancer or a smirky / deep-like laugh because of their capricorn 9th house. As a taurus rising I approve this message.

• speaking of taurus risings: gemini 2nd house ppl may joke a lot about their self worth. They also have a very big vocal range - whether they can sing or not, they can be great at dubbing.

• Neptune in the 2nd house have dreamy voices / amazing singing abilities or they may sound like a someone that does drugs / smoke / just high.

• having your mars in the 10th house can indicate a modeling career, especially if your MC is in good aspects with your ASC.

• virgo 9th house people have the most provocative sense of humor, they are also a "know-it-all". Yet, they are extremely loyal, so passionate and devoted to their duties.

• whichever house your pluto is in explains your deepest fears and where there is true chaos in your life (I'll make a post about it!)

• having your pluto in libra - as pluto being the planet of our generations - means that these people have always tried to fit into norms and into society, to not stand out, to be the most basic they can try. I believe that if they had a catchfraze it would be: "fake it 'till you make it".

• whatever house you have libra in is an area in your life that tries to fit in norms / society / normality (libra 11th house: have friends that are normal & basic / you try to to fit in society to make friends)

• aries rising's facial expressions are IMMACULATE (aries rules the face, so it's fitting that their face and facial expression will be very dominant)

• if your lilith conjuncts your saturn then solving the dark and hidden parts of you will help your career life grow and evolve as well.

• Mars-neptune aspects makes your anger blurry - like you don't know when your angry or how to feel / express your anger. Bonus points if the moon has contact with mars.

• There are 2 houses that rule the feeling of not belonging: the 11th house (not belonging because ur special, unique, weird, not normal) and the 12th house (not belonging because of your lonely energy, your blurry energy that makes you feel drifted from everyone automatically)

• Parent & children 🤝 not understanding each other's generation. Why, you may ask? Most if the time the age gap between children & their parents is 25 - 40 years, now if pluto is changing it's sign every 12 (mostly) - 31 years it means that the gap of the signs is creating a square! Example: gen z (pluto in sag) & boomers and karens (pluto in virgo), yet gen z (pluto in sag) & gen of pluto in leo (our grandparents) are creating a trine aspect (good relationship between generations).

• Capricorn stelliums are the most impatient people ever, time just moves with their own schedule and they are the ones that are always perfectly in time. Why? Saturn, which is ruled by capricorn: is ruling time.

• 12th house placements in general but especially 12th house NN & chiron 10th house people have a hero complex, that we must help everyone and save everyone. It's because the 12th house is about selflessness and empathy.

• Sagittarius rising feel so intimate and private, like no one really knows them - because of their 12th house scorpio, which makes their intimate side hidden, and makes them a mystery.

• Your 7th house sign is also the sign you have celebrity-crushes & obsessions on.

• You can know leo's even without them having a sun, moon or rising in leo. They are just SO noticeable! Their energy is just IMMACULATE

• I think that 12th house people are very intersted in prisons, mental hospitals, illusions and parties actually! Now all of them are understood because of our natural will to search for the unkown and the mystery and the unrealistic stuff in our lives, stuff that makes your soul change.

But why parties? Parties may be a place filled with people and noise which 12th house ppl won't like but the thing is parties are a fun illusion, with the lights changing all the time and the music that makes our body adapt to an entirely different environment because of it - it makes u very much aware of everything within the noise and loudness and madness.

• Talking about parties and 12th house people - I have noticed that they have 2 options of how they act:

1. They sit in the corner and analyze literally anything or just drown in their own thoughts or distract themselves from "all of the eyes looking at them".

2. They try to dance and get involve in the party but they're or getting to carried away and then feel embarrassed af and isolate themselves or immediately regrets it and goes to isolate themselves.

• 10th house transits for ppl who haven't graduated high school / university yet will be manifesting in their school life because it's where you're "supposed" to find your career path.

• In my opinion, the co-ruler of fun (which is ruled by leo) is sagittarius. Why? Leo rules entertainment and sagittarius is the ruler of jupiter, which resembles happiness, optimism (, expansion, growth) which is like the soul purpose of fun and entertainment.

• Even tho communication and the social media are a mercury - thing, I actually think that specific parts have 2 or even 3 rulers. For example: articles are ruled by gemini, virgo and aquarius (gemini to represent the creativeness and flowing speech in the article (also gossip if included), virgo to represent the order and wording of the article and how it's represented and brought to the readers and aquarius is for the fact that articles always talk about new, innovative or unusual things that are happening currently [little bit of cap right here lol] in the world, which also bring awareness (def an aqua theme).

• As the 8th house representing secrets, intimacy and shared resources - it must mean that people with this stellium or placements LOVE gossip. gossip is the combination of shared resources (media - which related to my last note - so gossip pages are gemini scorpio thing), intimacy and secrets.

• I have a theory - vehicles, as all materials and machines - are ruled by earth signs, so here are each vehicles rulers in my opinion:

virgo rules the air-vehicles (plains, helicopters etc.) Because that's a mutable sign that's adaptable of change the most out of every earth sign, and because the sky is so unpredictable and there's infinite courses of ways to reach ur destination - virgo fits the most to it.

capricorn rules the sea-vehicles (ships, boats, submarines etc.) Because that's a cardinal sign, an initiator that doesn't wait for things to happen, but makes sure every sudden change has a stable solution, also the sea is such an exotic place - fitting for a Capricorn's rich taste in views and life. Other than that, water may be unpredictable as well, but less than the open air and sky. Capricorns are the sea goats for a reason ;)

And last but not least - taurus rules the earth-vehicles. As The most stable, grounded, stubborn & down to earth sign it's kind of fitting for the vehicles that moves through the earth to have taurus as it's ruler. As cars, motorcycles etc. Have roads, so does taurians have their own, only path. They depend on the only thing they trust and any sudden change will make chaos. It's also the most comfortable - the thing taurians are craving for most.

I HOPE U ENJOYED my astro-notes :) I'll def try to keep them coming lmao if y'all would want to. Hope y'all Have a nice day 💕

[iscarioted]

Anderson & The Trio || HC

Okay so, heres a really long headcanon that I have about Anderson mentoring the trio. Largely based in my interpretation of Anderson not being comfortable indoctrinating children into Iscariot as like... A common thing, neither do I believe that the orphanage does so as a whole. Feel free to disagree and think otherwise, I do admit it would make sense and I can still honestly see it myself--- it's just not something that reconciles with my developed interpretation of Anderson. It isn't something he'd do on a whim or be easily convinced of.

The fact he mentored them for Iscariot at all is still... bad, I won't argue that, but what was required to convince him and the way he went about it (per my hcs) arguably makes it... not as bad... as it could be? It's up for debate. Just clarifying I don't believe that my convoluted idea about the whole thing makes it all okay and I formulated this with intent to morally clear Anderson.

NOTE: this features parts of my own personal headcanon that the process of becoming a Regenerator has a high mortality rate and is unknown why some people successfully survive while others do not. Also, I'm sure other personal headcanons not directly stated are in here too, like Anderson's childhood I gave him. I think too much about Anderson, y'all. That's it.

If this needs any TWs, please tell me.

With how I've developed Anderson beyond the canon, coupled with my own comforts, a big part of my interpretation is: Anderson cares a lot about all children, even more for his orphans, and it's his #1 weakness he actively indulges to an extreme. His childhood traumas made him queasy over children not being handled right and he has a short-fuse triggering rages to protect innocent souls. It's the one thing he's allowed to become almost equal to his loyalty to Iscariot--- where he can choose the obligations he has to children over Iscariot, if there's reason and atonable from. Big deal when Iscariot drowned Anderson (still does) in religious brainwashing, and expects full compliance (though we know he's bad at that).

The most concerning thing we see from Anderson towards children is telling two fighting kids that violence won't get them into Heaven... unless you're "rowdy with demons and heathens". Some of his Iscariot nature is leaking through, but these kids aren't scarred. Anderson knows kids aren't ultra fragile things some people freak out insisting. They can hardly read at their age, they're not gonna understand the origin of some of the things he says. It's not wholly appropriate though, but I feel is fitting to his character--- he's not a normal person by any means and while I headcanon he's the most normal with children, he's still... Anderson.

On his own, Anderson would not consciously influence a child so they're tailored to serve Iscariot once an adult. It's not a standard duty of Iscariot. Ferdinand Lukes isn't a secret Iscariot operation. Anderson isn't priming on a whim. Anderson wouldn't know if Iscariot does indoctrination to children as the elites absolutely know he'd wig the fuck out. Anderson is their best weapon and that gives him a lot of privileges akin to the highest elite without their title, but he's not told everything on purpose without them controlling the introduction. They've studied Anderson for years and know what'll make Iscariot lose Anderson as an asset.

However, the elites and the person who preceded Maxwell did deem it safe to suggest the idea to Anderson, methodically precise that it technically wasn't an order Anderson's thinks he has to follow and get stressed over following orders vs. his personal morals as a caretaker. Their wording of the proposal was selected specifically to make it sound as minimally bad it could be twisted into. It's well understood Anderson is God's wild card at heart, very fond of intense mood swings fixated on making a corpse when it comes on. Not a problem when the dead are nobody the Vatican cares about. Good riddance. Not Catholic??? They had it coming.

Suddenly a terrifying crisis when Anderson looks at fellow peers with the same lethality. This has happened only a few times but Anderson made it clear he will kill anyone if he thought the Lord was speaking His will through him.

Iscariot posed it as an experiment to see if there's a positive payoff worth more being lost by having someone like Anderson, who is a precious asset always available to drop what he's currently doing to heed the call, reducing his time spent on missions in the present to focus on specially mentoring someone to match the ideal profile of an Iscariot agent. In theory, they'd embody what makes Anderson so uniquely valuable and unlike anyone else... besides the obvious reason being he's the only Regenerator we know of.

The discussion involves the hypothesis that the secret to surviving the Regenerator trials is a compatible inner spirituality (as part of religion, spirit is quantifiable and tangible to them). Greater than zealous faith, beyond self-confidence, and only understood as hard to find since it's so undefinable. Anderson may impart this spirit he's carrying in him if he is a proper idol to someone youthfully impressionable. The window of time open where someone can be bestowed the spirit could be a window that snaps shut with maturity.

If anything happens to Anderson, the Vatican is exposed to supernatural threats only a Regenerator could deal with. Any lowly thug from Hell is going to slink out of the shadows when the untouchable Vatican is left unguarded. There's been Regenerators before Anderson but not another one after his trial. Iscariot is mighty desperate when the corpses of failed trials pile high with nothing to show as worth it.

Clever really. Remind Anderson of the brewing emergency and get him to agree that can't happen to the Vatican, consciously unaware that he's also agreeing unusual risks should be taken for the sake of the Vatican. Like the one he's being talked into taking.

To Anderson's offense he has to Not Show, the elites would say they could even get all the goods of Anderson without his "flaws" (said vaguely ominous) if it was done right. That's the general gist of Iscariot's presentation, also doubling as why I'd think it HAS to be Anderson for this, Iscariot is bothering to put in all this effort, and not ask the hundreds of other people who would do it even if described wretchedly awful. Iscariot has the security of the detailed psychological profile of Anderson and the want to duplicate special traits unique to Anderson. They wouldn't risk upsetting Anderson by poking at his precious relationship with children if there wasn't a gain from it they're blindly praying for.

Anderson is still uncomfortable with the idea. They're asking Anderson to force miracles from a child. He doesn't like it, a lot can go wrong and make the end result a scarred innocent. All prayers unanswered. Imagining someone he raised himself going through the trauma of the Regenerator Trials and dying because they were wrong... He isn't sure if he can handle that.

He doesn't say no. But he's not saying yes. The elites were prepared for this. They tell Anderson to think on it. In fact, they will let him be the one deciding who is his apprentice and the way they will be mentored. Anderson can do what feels the mostly godly to him. The Lord will guide him. Keep an eye out to the souls around him to be witness a spark if there is one.

By this time, he knew the trio to already be special to him in a way the rest of the other orphans he cared for weren't. They are all his children, he is a father to every kid that passes through the orphanage, but for those three... It was more real. He's not like a father to them, he IS their father. He can't make it official on paper due to being a priest. Yet this doesn't demean the connection in the slightest.

If asked what part of them made them dearer to him than others, Anderson wouldn't be able to say. It was fated, the Lord works in mysterious ways. He takes what was given to him without needing to understand why he was chosen. The trait all three share is they arrived in Ferdinand Lukes with serious behavioral issues that challenged Anderson's skill as a healing caretaker, creating situations leading to a resulting deep bond between them and Anderson. But many of the orphans come traumatized, Anderson is specialized in caring for traumatized children, which is why it's a matter of destined fate.

They were who Anderson should've thought of first as potential apprentices, that is purely logical sense. This didn't occur to Anderson though, for a long time. Their dearness to him blinded him, since he'd never want misfortune to come to them.

Until one day, as he monitored the three playing together, the realization struck like lightning enlightening him that they're who he wanted in an apprentice. He found them.

Anderson went straight to Iscariot with their names, vouching that he knows they are destined for greatness and Iscariot has place in this. Iscariot approves Anderson's choice despite only wanting him to have picked one person. They compromised since Anderson indecisively stalled so long, they didn't want him to be conflicted any longer than he has.

The trio I headcanon are real close in age which is fundamental to how Anderson mentored them for Iscariot. They were around ~13 when he started to pay closer attention to the way they were maturing. They were ~14 when Anderson began to very subtly bring up topics that weren't typical to the normal teaching of Catholicism. How they reacted to it was crucially important, he was seeing how they felt about certain ideas (e.g. did it scare them or did they engage in nuanced discussion with Anderson) and their opinions on the subject. Anderson wasn't overt in that there's a reason for the conversation originating from dark secrets kept from the major population.

At ~15, it became more direct. Anderson clued them on that this isn't something he should be talking about with them. Are they uncomfortable with that, do they squirm being told they can't talk about these things with other childrens and even adults that aren't Anderson?

This is the part that Anderson struggled with most. It felt ... Wrong. This is when he thought about backing out the most. During this time, he pays immense attention to how they're reacting, processing, and are discomforted. All and any signs that he needs to cease taking them down this path. He isn't going to force them into something he thinks would be too much for them to handle or don't really want. No. He won't do that to them and not even Iscariot can force that.

He dumps a lot of one-on-one personal time with them, giving special lessons exclusive to them. He teaches them how to defend themselves, getting them comfortable enforcing what can be seen as violence. How to properly make a fist to throw a punch, the stance their feet should be in, the vulnerabilities in physical bodies they can use to gain ground against someone stronger. There's scenarios to use this knowledge in, he'll tell them what kinds. They move onto gun safety. The mechanics of a gun, the dos and dont's, how to hold a gun to account for recoil. He takes them to shooting ranges.

I don't have an exact age in mind for when Anderson sits them down and tells them about Iscariot finally. Bestowing the secret that the Vatican has secret divisions, the people of these sections following words of God that aren't in the Bible. They're given the privilege to break the normal customs of Catholicism so they can do what must be done to facilitate God's true will and be the vanguards of the Vatican unpraised by the majority. Anderson is one of these people, it's why he goes on so many "business trips" that don't make sense, don't have traceable details. He's a hunter of monsters, the firstline fighter against heathens and demons no mere human could ever hope to withstand let alone conquer. He performs miracles, magic is real and his is holy.

It won't be easy, but they're readier to join the Iscariot family than believe. Do they have the resolve to go down this hellish path for the sake of the greater good? This is it, the final test before the pearly gates open for them. It's up to them.

As the story goes, the three do wonderfully. Maxwell is the greatest gain for Iscariot, despite not having the qualities of being a hunter, that made the experiment a success. Maxwell makes up for Yumiko and Heinkel winding up mundane agents, clear in how Maxwell scaled ranks to become Iscariot's new guiding star.

Anderson forbade Yumiko and Heinkel as participants in the Regenerator Trials until it was do or die for the Vatican. Crisis or not, Anderson will be damned before they let Anderson care so deeply, work so hard on them, only for them to die young in agonizing pain for no reason. Anderson will fight it, he swears to the sacred elites, and they quiver with fear knowing better than to take a threat lightly from The Judas Priest with new Judases of his own.

It takes decades but in the end, Iscariot gets what they wanted. Heinkel survives the Trials and is another Regenerator the Vatican prayed for with crimson palms.